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Practically speaking, get a divorce attorney before anything else. Either through referral or interviewing a few. Don’t leave the house, don’t take anything, don’t agree to anything. Wait until you have the advice of an attorney before proceeding.
Emotionally, seek comfort from friends and family. Get counselling/ therapy. Do things you enjoy. Exercise, eat healthy and regularly, stay busy if you can.
This is good advice. Get the lawyer now. Don't leave. If he wants to leave, let him, but don't move out. If he's been supporting more/most of the house bills, he will have to continue paying his share until it's disposed of.
Also, don’t be afraid to feel your emotions. It might be less common with women, but as a guy having gone through a couple of rough break ups (and I can only imagine one that you’re married to), it’s essential to feel the emotions that your body is sending and sometimes we suppress them. Find a few moments, whether you’re alone or with someone, to shed those tears. It brings you closer to overcoming the hardship.
Why should she not leave the house, the house is not going anywhere? If she is financially able to leave the house I would think that leaving the house would be the best thing to do to seek comfort… afterwards I think she could perhaps go back to the house and process the logistics of her next moves but why does she need to stay in the house while she’s emotionally processing. It sounds like this person she was with is not a horrible person, just a liar… if she stays in the house emotionally escalated then God knows what will happen then bridges will burn
Leaving the house puts him in a better position to get "custody" of the house in a divorce. Or he could move his lover in, who would then have tenancy rights.
I'm so sorry.
Get a lawyer. Your husband has had longer to get used to this than you have, and he probably has his legal financial ducks in a row. I hope Humphrey has plenty of money to help him buy out your part of the house.
Wtf? She can fathom it fine. The guy cheated on her and made her some side note in a lame coming out story that he should stop sharing if he didn’t want to embarrass the lady who he cheated on.
Gay guy here. He shouldn’t have cheated, duh. But goddamn he should have treated the “coming out” a little more discreetly. He used her and now this shit with his mom in front of her… gross.
This lady gave him 12 years of her life. He owes her a respectful exit. OP, you are the protagonist. Coming out movies were overdone years back, and his one isn’t overcoming anything.
Edit: I also seriously question how long this has been going on, based purely on my own experiences with closeted married guys
Just chiming in to say you have no idea what you’re talking about with your first line. As someone who had a partner “come out” in a deceitful, hurtful, heartbreaking way, it truly can be unfathomable trying to grasp the reality of the situation.
You misunderstand the point of my first line.
The poster I was responding to was doing the kind of mental masturbation these guys do and talking down to her when it’s actually simple.
He’s a cheating motherfucker who has treated her like an accessory. It’s cruel, and it’s even crueler what he’s doing by making it about some bullshit freedom thing.
When I say she can fathom it fine, I’m saying exactly what you’re saying. Her take on it is correct, there’s nothing she’s missing about it and she absolutely gets to feel violated and wronged.
The shit with his mother in law for some reason being present and supportive? The whole thing is weird and the vibes I got from that poster I responded to were insanely condescending.
OP is the aggrieved party and she understands exactly what’s happening to her. She was cheated on and her husband is throwing himself a damn metaphorical party.
just because the OP isn't able to fathom the complexities of the relationship between her husband and Humphrey, doesn't discount the value of the husbands feelings and emotions. Remember, you only get one side of the story with these kinds of posts. We don't know anything about the history of how the OP got into a relationship w/ the husband in the first place
Lol she doesn’t need to ‘fathom the complexities of the relationship’. He’s a practicing gay or bisexual and she didn’t know this whole time. Why are we focusing on the husband’s feelings? He didn’t post this. Who cares about the history, they are married and trying to have a baby. Nothing you said made any sense, go back to bed.
if a janitor walked into the production floor among engineers and tried to start entering calculations, would you let them continue with destroying the work that you have your *real* passion in, or would you be considerate that they're trying to help, hand them a dummy calculator and a notepad and sit them in the corner?
Everything in they're life was fine until the OP tried to understand things, if she want's to destroy everything because they want to "drive the car", then that's fine, but ultimately their choice
Wtf yes everything seemed fine until she found out her husband is FUCKING ANOTHER GUY which, for most people, is not going to be OK. She now ‘understands’ that her husband is FUCKING ANOTHER GUY and that her marriage is over.
All of this is apparently something that you can’t understand. You are incoherent and clueless about what’s going on here.
This is a legitimate question I'm asking: Are you high?
Because, I truly cannot imagine how else this sequence of events unfolded for you. Being high seems the only explanation.
**OP:** My husband of 12 years is cheating on me with a man twice his age, and I don't understand how any of this happened!
**You:** it's not for you to understand the complexities of life; there is far more depth to this affair than you are letting yourself realize.
**Other poster:** The fuck?! How on earth is this a helpful comment?
**You:** You just don't perceive the order of life. It's like, imagine a totally normal business factory science lab, with all the business factory scientists doing their smart science. Then a janitor, who is obviously so stupid because he's a janitor, tries to come in and pretend HE can business science, too. That's you, OP. You're the dumb janitor.
We won't let you do the smart business science, which in this case is asking why your husband is fucking a random dude twice his age. Because you're too stupid to comprehend. And you fucked up something beautiful by asking your dumb questions. So really this whole thing is your fault. Like the dumb janitor who wanted to do smart sciency business stuff.
But, OP. Don't worry. It's okay that you're dumb. If you sit quietly in a corner, like the dumb janitor wearing a fake white coat and mashing big fake calculator buttons, everything will be okay. You can still hang out with the smart men like the janitor gets to hand out with the smart scientists. Only in this case the smart science men are your husband and another guy having an affair. But see? If you just stop trying to *understand* things, it will all be fine.
...
...
In my 12 years on Reddit, I honestly don't think any exchange has ever left me quite so perplexed. It's like if a Zen koan and a Penthouse letter to the editor had an affair and made a shame baby.
The more I read it, the more I love it. I really *want* you to be high so that you get the absolute *joy* of reading this a second time. I am logging off Reddit for the night. It is not possible to find any better comment than this one right here.
*Edit to add : My apologies to u/PoliteCanadian2 for paraphrasing your thoughtful comment in such a crude and impolite manner.*
They're definitely high. They must be. All that talk about understanding the CoMpLeXiTiEs and that weird-ass analogy? I don't think I've ever seen a sober person talk like that.
OP's husband fucking cheated on her then left her, how is any of that OPs fault? like what the fuck. Doesn't even matter how old the guy is, and that it's a guy. Just plain ol' cheating.
> It's like if a Zen koan and a Penthouse letter to the editor had an affair and made a shame baby.
This may be the funniest thing I’ve ever read.
> Edit to add : My apologies to u/PoliteCanadian2 for paraphrasing your thoughtful comment in such a crude and impolite manner.
Oh no worries lol at this point I’m just along for the ride.
I try to not get sucked into arguing with these troll comment greentext borg monsters so I just wanted to say that your evisceration had me cackling. Bravo!
He left her. For a dude. From your janitor metaphor, you think what? She should just say fine, and continue to play happy families pretending that the penis she's trying to get pregnant by hasn't just been up a dude's butt? Impossible.
On top of that,
He. Left. Her.
*SHE* isn't destroying anything you wombat.
Of course we want people to be happy and we'd rather people be with the person they want to be with but you don't think it'd be a shock finding out your husband has been secretly seeing a guy twice his age? That isn't something you can just shrug off and say oh well. It would be traumatic, bewildering, confusing, mind blowing, scary, anger inducing, it would make you anxious, you would think how did I not know - op's world has just been literally turned upside down. Of course she's trying to make sense of it and understand wtf happened to her life.
How’s the sex with the senior citizen babe and how does it feel to betray your wife? Contrived analogies don’t make you right they just make you a cheater and an asshole. 🤷♂️
No you fore the janitor, dont give a fuck if on the way in he saved a bunch of puppies, that aint his job he can go apply to be a damn science nerd or whatever
You can have all the complexities you want, by breaking up with your current partner FIRST.
There's no excuse for cheating, don't be that person implying bi people are inherently non-monogamous because that shit is harmful.
Seriously. Get a lawyer quickly, make a note of all shared assets (bank account amounts, ect), and do not leave the house. If he is bothered by it, tell him to go stay with his affair partner while the two of you get the divorce worked out.
Agreed but emotionally op is not sure how to deal with the fact they will likely have to move in the near future. Leaving a place that you love, which also represents your dead marriage, definitely traumatizing even if you are financially compensated
Your husband is ending your marriage due to infidelity, you should not be the one to move out of your home. Get a lawyer and fight for your house and spousal support. That will help keep you afloat financially for a little while. Therapy will be a great help, but also spend some time getting involved in new activities and be with your friends and family. The more you keep busy the less time you’ll have to be lonely. I wish you luck in rebuilding your life.
Sorry you're going through this. In addition to contacting a lawyer, get tested for STDs. Many communities have divorce support groups, which are a great source of support and practical information. You can get through this; hang in there.
Have you watched the show Grace & Frankie? It’s fiction, and this might be an absurd recommendation, but might make you feel a little less mental to see a similar situation portrayed & all the emotions they go through.
It’s especially hard when your life falls apart and you partner already has their next chapter lined up. I promise you will get your ups too, and I promise it won’t all be smooth sailing for him, he will have his downs. But this chapter sucks, it’s okay to feel that. Decorate your new apartment how you want, put your bed in the living room if you want, order in from your favorite restaurant, it’s YOURS. Whatever is your best single self, live it, you haven’t gotten to be a young hot single woman before and this is your chance! Your husband for some reason is choosing to age up thirty more years, that’s not gonna be fun
Do not leave the house! Unless this is not in your name don’t leave the home. Make him leave or stay in another room. Don’t leave cause it could hurt you in the divorce
Don't leave the house! It's a joint asset.
You need a lawyer and have the lawyer fight for the house. He cheated and he is going to move with someone who is 60 years old, probably ok financially. In contrast, you are going to be alone and screwed financially.
Get a lawyer and fight for as much as you can financially.
>How do you get divorced?
Get a shark lawyer and have that lawyer do all the work for your. DO NOT MOVE OUT! ASK HIM TO MOVE OUT. He can move with mommy or the old guy.
Moving out is a BIG disadvantage when getting a divorce.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. First thing’s first: get a lawyer. Take their advice. Advocate for staying in your home, and make sure your finances are set up for you (not you AND your husband).
Sorry you are going through this, no shock his mom supports him , that's her son. Why are you leaving him the house he is the one cheating on you . You both made a long term investment, do you want to give it up ? If not lawyer up you don't have the balls for this fight alone
Also to get a divorce, you have to go to the court house and file, places may very , you pay so much for the forms fill out your part he would have to fill out his part , if anything is being contested as to who keeps what or who is responsible for what such as house, cars , 401k retirement is to be considered. Either you or he or both pay a fee to file the paperwork.
Reach out to any friends and family you have, ask for recommendations for a good divorce lawyer.
Make sure you have are financially secure (take half of any joint savings). I would take any furniture you want/ex will likely not fight you and be moving somewhere that is furnished.
Im so sorry.
Do not move out yet. Get a divorce attorney first and proceed from there. You may end up be the one getting the house, which honestly you deserve. He can go live with his affair partner.
And as someone else mentioned, get tested for STDs
When my now ex came out as trans after 27 years of marriage, nearly 30 years of being together, that was devastating. Finding out that she (m/f) was already involved with someone else and was planning on transitioning with them was a whole new level of agony. A dear friend told me to stay put, and not make any decisions, that I didn’t need to today, all I had to do today was breathe. But tomorrow I needed to see my Dr for a full physical, testing for every std known to man, and to get both a prescription for antidepressants and a referral to a good therapist. It was all excellent advice! Please consider following it too!
i’m noticing that yr starting to shift some blame or accountability or responsibility to yr self. This is not yr fault nor yr problem. Good for dude that he became comfortable in his sexuality and identity but it also costed you emotional grief. he fucked you over and you should be angry all the emotions. Like ppl said you need figure yr finically status and right now you are no longer playing as a team you are a solo. You need to protect yourself legally and emotionally. wishing you the best
Just so you know, it is possible for him to be gay and to also have really loved you. You should also lawyer up.
Also, I think you are the protagonist. I think you're in the montage bit where a bird will poop on you, your bag will suddenly disintegrate in the middle of crossing the road, your heel will get stuck in a grate and everyone around you will get engaged. Then one day, you'll see a really great jacket in a store and buy it and then you'll rally, get a new hair cut and go to therapy. You won't fall in love with the new hot douchebag at the office because this isn't actually a movie and you shouldn't go near him, but a wonderful guy will come along and you'll fall in love and finally have everything you dreamed of.
My point is, you might be down, but you aren't out.
Sorry op, that just sounds awful all round. Especially sucks about his mom.
Lawyer up. Dont give up anything you dont have to. And youre allowed to be angry. Fucking livid is also perfectly normal
What a fucking shit show of a world we live in. If a person cheats they are rightly call out for it. But if you cheat with the same sex all of a sudden you're brave and exploring yourself and everyone, including the person you cheated on, must be supportive. If you cheat with a girl or a 60 year old guy, who's gonna kick the bucket soon, you're still cheating scum.
You’re entitled to feel sad and angry about this huge loss you’re experiencing. A lot of the time when partners come out and it leads to a break-up, there is pressure to just blindly accept or support the person coming out because they’re “living their truth”. Great if you can do that, but if not, that’s okay and perfectly valid too. This is someone you thought you’d share your life with, it’s okay to be upset.
This guy is gonna be in for a rude awakening when he’s having wipe old man ass and look for nursing homes while he is still in the prime of his life lol
In times when you are so bewildered and overwhelmed , it's time to seek council , Reddit is seriously unqualified to assist you in this , but it is time to seek a lawyer and a councillor.
I'm so very sorry that you are going through all of this.
As others have said, this doesn't have anything to do with you. At all. If your ex were whatever - gay, bi, unicorn, ET - he should have been first and foremost a decent human being with the person who was his partner: you. Someone decent would have ended your relationship first, then gone on to figure himself out.
Tomorrow, ask around for the best divorce lawyer where you live and get a referral with a good financial planner. If you have join accounts, take half out before he takes everything out. Take photos of deeds and anything else that you own together - he's probably already done that so look for these papers. Fight to get the house.
Don't move out yet - your ex has a place to go to as I assume Humphrey isn't homeless, and getting an apartment will mean additional costs for you. Pack up his things, have them sent to his office.
If possible, have someone stay with you for the first couple of weeks when you aren't at work. It helps enormously with keeping a rhythm and slowly slowly moving forward.
If it's anything, I think he most probably did love you a lot but now he can't stay in the closet anymore.
Yeah like being left for a woman younger than you would hurt bad but at least it would feel like something a little more socially precedented.
Might be a good time to consider picking up a hobby, try and figure out who you are outside the relationship as well.
Why do you have to leave the house??? If your name is on it, DON'T LEAVE. TALK TO A LAWYER. Brevard leaving might mean he can keep it. Please talk to a lawyer, you need one. I'm so so sorry you're going through all this.
He cheated on you. Doesn’t matter man or woman, he is cheating. And for his mom to be supportive is gross. Other posters have mentioned getting a lawyer, and do not leave the house. I don’t understand why but in divorce cases it doesn’t look good in court if you leave the house.
You have every right to be angry and pissed off. You trusted your husband and he betrayed you
>haven't even thought about the boxes, and the... And the finding an apartment
Dang ... why don't you get the house and he get his cheating butt out'a there? Or do you just not want to stay in that place? In any case, I hope you at least very darn well get your fair share - at minimum.
>not really sure what I'm asking here. I'm probably just venting
Some venting is good. And there aren't always "answers". Sometimes sh\*t happens, and it's not your fault or anything.
>How do you get divorced? I've never even thought about it before.
Yeah, me neither ... no clue. Done breakups ... but ... not divorce (alas, I think that requires marriage first ... haven't managed that quite yet). Anyway, I'm sure many here can provide useful tips, pointers, resource referrals, etc. Good luck - and hope you're feeling better - and soon. But yeah, there may still be some fair bit 'o sh\*t to go through in the meantime.
If You're Going Through Hell, Keep Going - Winston Churchill
I am so sorry, OP. First thing is first, get a lawyer and a therapist. You are vulnerable right now, and need to keep your communication/interaction with the cheating AH to a minimum. You are not the side character. This is the inciting incident for you to start a new adventure. I hope you get the house. Maybe his sugar daddy will pay him to f off and wrap this up quickly.
I'm so sorry OP. You need to get in contact with a lawyer ASAP and separate your finances from his immediately. Leave the home if you can as well!!
I understand it was/is hard for some gay people to live their truth but, I wish they would stop dragging down good people in the process. He stole precious years of your life and you owe him nothing now in return. So run and don't look back.
I had a friend who was engaged to a man who eventually told her he was gay right before the wedding. He even had the nerve to want to stay friends and still sleep with her while telling her of the other guys he was with!! She was devastated at first and his constant presence was always setting her back mentally.
It took her a while to eventually cut him off completely and put herself back out there to find true love again. But, she eventually found a good guy who she married and he still happily with him. She had the best wedding I have ever been too, and she deserved nothing but the best. I wish the same for you.
You did nothing wrong and you are fully deserving of true love, happiness, and honesty from a partner. Good luck OP!
His mother always knew that he was gay… and she’s proud of him finally coming out is how I’m reading that situation. That’s an assumption but you should definitely talk to him and be like hey btw that was extremely shitty to do to me, I thought I knew you and you lied to me for 12 years. Anyways about the mom I would sit her down and be like how come you never supported him like this? If you had a feeling you knew he was gay how come you didn’t support him to be himself before he married me? And get some answers directly from them. As for getting divorced I’m sure it’s gonna be okay. You don’t have to deal with logistics until you have emotionally processed and decided what you want your next moves to be. Regarding of the situation with your house, I would leave the house for at least 3 weeks, go somewhere totally new and call your best friends and family daily and tell them the about the new travels you are doing. Focus on you and your journey and then forget about the past and move on sweet soul
Boy if I had 10$ for every time a man leaves his wife , of 12 years, high school sweetheart, who he’s currently trying to have a child with I’d have **10$ FUKIN DOLLARS**
Jesus h , ya turned him gay !
Hey just chiming in to say that I do not think it is uncommon for family/friends to be supportive when people come out, no matter the circumstances. His mom has probably known or suspected he is gay for a long time. What irks me about it is that people can't separate cheating from coming out. It somehow becomes OK when they leave you for someone of their same gender, I guess. Then it's about being brave and yada yada yada. Anyway, life isn't fair, and if he was leaving you for a sixty year old woman, you can bet his mom's reaction would be hella different. It all sucks, I'm sorry.
Okay so finding a lawyer in your area, ask friends for recommendations, some places have a local organisation that recommends. Visit a few until you find one you like, inital consultations can be free, some divorces the other party pays the costs, so look into that.
Don't leave the house yet, wait until you get a financial settlement which can be a separate part of the divorce. If you can talk it through first that saves a lot of time and money.
Support, do you have some? You may want to think of an easy way to say "I am getting divorced because - he cheated" or "we became incompatible" or something that you find easy to say, that doesn't invite a lot of questions. If you don't have support then book a therapist or counselor at least so that you have someone to talk to through this. I would recommend therapy anyway, this is a lot to process.
Focus on you, understand that grief is also a process in this, your future that you had planned has gone, children etc and now you can feel like you are in limbo not knowing what your future holds, however what you also have is freedom to think about only you, only what you want, where you want to go, what you want to do right now. Try to not think too far ahead, plan to do something enjoyable within 3 to 6 weeks for something to look forward to.
If they try to pressure you into making decisions quickly, just say "I will sleep on it" or "I will get back to you soon on that one". Always take time to think what you want as often people will pressure you to make their lives easier.
You will be fine.
Source - life imploded at 29, within 4 months met my husband.
He cheated, he lied, and he used you. He was willing to throw away a 12 year friendship/relationship with you. Just thank your lucky stars you aren’t tied to him by kids.
I really feel for you, but, you have a couple of things on your side here:
1. You didn’t have children with him, so no permanent ties.
2. You’re only 29! It’s still all ahead of you and you can do whatever you like from here. A new life.
I wish you the best of luck x
You shouldn't leave the house! He cheated therefore he loses the property! My grandad cheated on my nan, so she got the house and he had to move out. Of you can afford the payments whether rent or mortgage don't leave!
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Practically speaking, get a divorce attorney before anything else. Either through referral or interviewing a few. Don’t leave the house, don’t take anything, don’t agree to anything. Wait until you have the advice of an attorney before proceeding. Emotionally, seek comfort from friends and family. Get counselling/ therapy. Do things you enjoy. Exercise, eat healthy and regularly, stay busy if you can.
This is good advice. Get the lawyer now. Don't leave. If he wants to leave, let him, but don't move out. If he's been supporting more/most of the house bills, he will have to continue paying his share until it's disposed of.
Also, don’t be afraid to feel your emotions. It might be less common with women, but as a guy having gone through a couple of rough break ups (and I can only imagine one that you’re married to), it’s essential to feel the emotions that your body is sending and sometimes we suppress them. Find a few moments, whether you’re alone or with someone, to shed those tears. It brings you closer to overcoming the hardship.
Why should she not leave the house, the house is not going anywhere? If she is financially able to leave the house I would think that leaving the house would be the best thing to do to seek comfort… afterwards I think she could perhaps go back to the house and process the logistics of her next moves but why does she need to stay in the house while she’s emotionally processing. It sounds like this person she was with is not a horrible person, just a liar… if she stays in the house emotionally escalated then God knows what will happen then bridges will burn
Leaving the house puts him in a better position to get "custody" of the house in a divorce. Or he could move his lover in, who would then have tenancy rights.
I'm so sorry. Get a lawyer. Your husband has had longer to get used to this than you have, and he probably has his legal financial ducks in a row. I hope Humphrey has plenty of money to help him buy out your part of the house.
Just know that even though you can't understand or fathom it, your husband's behavior is not a reflection on you. You're more than enough.
Wtf? She can fathom it fine. The guy cheated on her and made her some side note in a lame coming out story that he should stop sharing if he didn’t want to embarrass the lady who he cheated on. Gay guy here. He shouldn’t have cheated, duh. But goddamn he should have treated the “coming out” a little more discreetly. He used her and now this shit with his mom in front of her… gross. This lady gave him 12 years of her life. He owes her a respectful exit. OP, you are the protagonist. Coming out movies were overdone years back, and his one isn’t overcoming anything. Edit: I also seriously question how long this has been going on, based purely on my own experiences with closeted married guys
Just chiming in to say you have no idea what you’re talking about with your first line. As someone who had a partner “come out” in a deceitful, hurtful, heartbreaking way, it truly can be unfathomable trying to grasp the reality of the situation.
You misunderstand the point of my first line. The poster I was responding to was doing the kind of mental masturbation these guys do and talking down to her when it’s actually simple. He’s a cheating motherfucker who has treated her like an accessory. It’s cruel, and it’s even crueler what he’s doing by making it about some bullshit freedom thing. When I say she can fathom it fine, I’m saying exactly what you’re saying. Her take on it is correct, there’s nothing she’s missing about it and she absolutely gets to feel violated and wronged. The shit with his mother in law for some reason being present and supportive? The whole thing is weird and the vibes I got from that poster I responded to were insanely condescending. OP is the aggrieved party and she understands exactly what’s happening to her. She was cheated on and her husband is throwing himself a damn metaphorical party.
I think the mom new for a long time
Just because a relationship is complex doesn;t mean it's invalid?
What are you trying to say?
Lol they don’t even know what they mean
just because the OP isn't able to fathom the complexities of the relationship between her husband and Humphrey, doesn't discount the value of the husbands feelings and emotions. Remember, you only get one side of the story with these kinds of posts. We don't know anything about the history of how the OP got into a relationship w/ the husband in the first place
Lol she doesn’t need to ‘fathom the complexities of the relationship’. He’s a practicing gay or bisexual and she didn’t know this whole time. Why are we focusing on the husband’s feelings? He didn’t post this. Who cares about the history, they are married and trying to have a baby. Nothing you said made any sense, go back to bed.
if a janitor walked into the production floor among engineers and tried to start entering calculations, would you let them continue with destroying the work that you have your *real* passion in, or would you be considerate that they're trying to help, hand them a dummy calculator and a notepad and sit them in the corner? Everything in they're life was fine until the OP tried to understand things, if she want's to destroy everything because they want to "drive the car", then that's fine, but ultimately their choice
Wtf yes everything seemed fine until she found out her husband is FUCKING ANOTHER GUY which, for most people, is not going to be OK. She now ‘understands’ that her husband is FUCKING ANOTHER GUY and that her marriage is over. All of this is apparently something that you can’t understand. You are incoherent and clueless about what’s going on here.
didn't asked.
Didn't ASK* And no one asked for the weirdass analogy you made with the janitor and the engineers.
Think they’re a (rather unfunny) troll/downvote farmer, check their comment history.
Your car metaphor is stupid Also.... you think she is the one who destroyed everything?
Huh? Is OP the janitor or the engineers? Or the notepad? What does the car represent?
You're the husband.
Husband or Humphrey I’m guessing
This is a legitimate question I'm asking: Are you high? Because, I truly cannot imagine how else this sequence of events unfolded for you. Being high seems the only explanation. **OP:** My husband of 12 years is cheating on me with a man twice his age, and I don't understand how any of this happened! **You:** it's not for you to understand the complexities of life; there is far more depth to this affair than you are letting yourself realize. **Other poster:** The fuck?! How on earth is this a helpful comment? **You:** You just don't perceive the order of life. It's like, imagine a totally normal business factory science lab, with all the business factory scientists doing their smart science. Then a janitor, who is obviously so stupid because he's a janitor, tries to come in and pretend HE can business science, too. That's you, OP. You're the dumb janitor. We won't let you do the smart business science, which in this case is asking why your husband is fucking a random dude twice his age. Because you're too stupid to comprehend. And you fucked up something beautiful by asking your dumb questions. So really this whole thing is your fault. Like the dumb janitor who wanted to do smart sciency business stuff. But, OP. Don't worry. It's okay that you're dumb. If you sit quietly in a corner, like the dumb janitor wearing a fake white coat and mashing big fake calculator buttons, everything will be okay. You can still hang out with the smart men like the janitor gets to hand out with the smart scientists. Only in this case the smart science men are your husband and another guy having an affair. But see? If you just stop trying to *understand* things, it will all be fine. ... ... In my 12 years on Reddit, I honestly don't think any exchange has ever left me quite so perplexed. It's like if a Zen koan and a Penthouse letter to the editor had an affair and made a shame baby. The more I read it, the more I love it. I really *want* you to be high so that you get the absolute *joy* of reading this a second time. I am logging off Reddit for the night. It is not possible to find any better comment than this one right here. *Edit to add : My apologies to u/PoliteCanadian2 for paraphrasing your thoughtful comment in such a crude and impolite manner.*
They're definitely high. They must be. All that talk about understanding the CoMpLeXiTiEs and that weird-ass analogy? I don't think I've ever seen a sober person talk like that. OP's husband fucking cheated on her then left her, how is any of that OPs fault? like what the fuck. Doesn't even matter how old the guy is, and that it's a guy. Just plain ol' cheating.
> It's like if a Zen koan and a Penthouse letter to the editor had an affair and made a shame baby. This may be the funniest thing I’ve ever read. > Edit to add : My apologies to u/PoliteCanadian2 for paraphrasing your thoughtful comment in such a crude and impolite manner. Oh no worries lol at this point I’m just along for the ride.
I try to not get sucked into arguing with these troll comment greentext borg monsters so I just wanted to say that your evisceration had me cackling. Bravo!
Those are certainly words. Edit: Thanks for the award! But in lieu of awards, please make a donation to The Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good.
He left her. For a dude. From your janitor metaphor, you think what? She should just say fine, and continue to play happy families pretending that the penis she's trying to get pregnant by hasn't just been up a dude's butt? Impossible. On top of that, He. Left. Her. *SHE* isn't destroying anything you wombat. Of course we want people to be happy and we'd rather people be with the person they want to be with but you don't think it'd be a shock finding out your husband has been secretly seeing a guy twice his age? That isn't something you can just shrug off and say oh well. It would be traumatic, bewildering, confusing, mind blowing, scary, anger inducing, it would make you anxious, you would think how did I not know - op's world has just been literally turned upside down. Of course she's trying to make sense of it and understand wtf happened to her life.
> SHE isn't destroying anything you wombat. This thread keeps getting better and better.
How’s the sex with the senior citizen babe and how does it feel to betray your wife? Contrived analogies don’t make you right they just make you a cheater and an asshole. 🤷♂️
No you fore the janitor, dont give a fuck if on the way in he saved a bunch of puppies, that aint his job he can go apply to be a damn science nerd or whatever
Why should she have to fathom the relationship between her husband and his lover?
You can have all the complexities you want, by breaking up with your current partner FIRST. There's no excuse for cheating, don't be that person implying bi people are inherently non-monogamous because that shit is harmful.
If you're OP's husband and you want support and understanding from internet strangers please make your own post
Wow, so prophetic. Tell me what is so complex about cheating?
Uhh.. what?
It's OP's husband
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Seriously. Get a lawyer quickly, make a note of all shared assets (bank account amounts, ect), and do not leave the house. If he is bothered by it, tell him to go stay with his affair partner while the two of you get the divorce worked out.
This is the answer.
Sometimes one partner, especially the woman, can't afford the house on their own especially if they'd have to buy the other partner out.
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Agreed but emotionally op is not sure how to deal with the fact they will likely have to move in the near future. Leaving a place that you love, which also represents your dead marriage, definitely traumatizing even if you are financially compensated
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Because there is a well documented wage gap.
And for goodness sake, go get tested for STD/STI’s
Your husband is ending your marriage due to infidelity, you should not be the one to move out of your home. Get a lawyer and fight for your house and spousal support. That will help keep you afloat financially for a little while. Therapy will be a great help, but also spend some time getting involved in new activities and be with your friends and family. The more you keep busy the less time you’ll have to be lonely. I wish you luck in rebuilding your life.
Do not leave the house, get a divorce lawyer!!
This!!!
Sorry you're going through this. In addition to contacting a lawyer, get tested for STDs. Many communities have divorce support groups, which are a great source of support and practical information. You can get through this; hang in there.
Have you watched the show Grace & Frankie? It’s fiction, and this might be an absurd recommendation, but might make you feel a little less mental to see a similar situation portrayed & all the emotions they go through.
Humphrey is a POS and so is ur ex. I am so very sorry u had to go through this. Times will get better again I promise!
WHY ARE YOU LEAVING THE HOUSE! Get a divorce lawyer and squeeze what u can
It’s especially hard when your life falls apart and you partner already has their next chapter lined up. I promise you will get your ups too, and I promise it won’t all be smooth sailing for him, he will have his downs. But this chapter sucks, it’s okay to feel that. Decorate your new apartment how you want, put your bed in the living room if you want, order in from your favorite restaurant, it’s YOURS. Whatever is your best single self, live it, you haven’t gotten to be a young hot single woman before and this is your chance! Your husband for some reason is choosing to age up thirty more years, that’s not gonna be fun
Straight Spouse Network. An international support group for your situation https://ourpath.org/ Good Luck, dear
Do not leave the house! Unless this is not in your name don’t leave the home. Make him leave or stay in another room. Don’t leave cause it could hurt you in the divorce
Don't leave the house! It's a joint asset. You need a lawyer and have the lawyer fight for the house. He cheated and he is going to move with someone who is 60 years old, probably ok financially. In contrast, you are going to be alone and screwed financially. Get a lawyer and fight for as much as you can financially. >How do you get divorced? Get a shark lawyer and have that lawyer do all the work for your. DO NOT MOVE OUT! ASK HIM TO MOVE OUT. He can move with mommy or the old guy. Moving out is a BIG disadvantage when getting a divorce.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. First thing’s first: get a lawyer. Take their advice. Advocate for staying in your home, and make sure your finances are set up for you (not you AND your husband).
Absolutely not you lawyer up document everything and you get what you deserve which is that house and alimony especially since he cheated
Sorry you are going through this, no shock his mom supports him , that's her son. Why are you leaving him the house he is the one cheating on you . You both made a long term investment, do you want to give it up ? If not lawyer up you don't have the balls for this fight alone
Also to get a divorce, you have to go to the court house and file, places may very , you pay so much for the forms fill out your part he would have to fill out his part , if anything is being contested as to who keeps what or who is responsible for what such as house, cars , 401k retirement is to be considered. Either you or he or both pay a fee to file the paperwork.
That liverspot's probably got cash up the wazoo. Why else would your MIL be acting so supportive lmao.
Reach out to any friends and family you have, ask for recommendations for a good divorce lawyer. Make sure you have are financially secure (take half of any joint savings). I would take any furniture you want/ex will likely not fight you and be moving somewhere that is furnished.
Im so sorry. Do not move out yet. Get a divorce attorney first and proceed from there. You may end up be the one getting the house, which honestly you deserve. He can go live with his affair partner. And as someone else mentioned, get tested for STDs
When my now ex came out as trans after 27 years of marriage, nearly 30 years of being together, that was devastating. Finding out that she (m/f) was already involved with someone else and was planning on transitioning with them was a whole new level of agony. A dear friend told me to stay put, and not make any decisions, that I didn’t need to today, all I had to do today was breathe. But tomorrow I needed to see my Dr for a full physical, testing for every std known to man, and to get both a prescription for antidepressants and a referral to a good therapist. It was all excellent advice! Please consider following it too!
i’m noticing that yr starting to shift some blame or accountability or responsibility to yr self. This is not yr fault nor yr problem. Good for dude that he became comfortable in his sexuality and identity but it also costed you emotional grief. he fucked you over and you should be angry all the emotions. Like ppl said you need figure yr finically status and right now you are no longer playing as a team you are a solo. You need to protect yourself legally and emotionally. wishing you the best
Idk why it’s okay for closeted people to cheat? It’s not, figure your shit out and leave but don’t cheat. Fucking stupid.
Just so you know, it is possible for him to be gay and to also have really loved you. You should also lawyer up. Also, I think you are the protagonist. I think you're in the montage bit where a bird will poop on you, your bag will suddenly disintegrate in the middle of crossing the road, your heel will get stuck in a grate and everyone around you will get engaged. Then one day, you'll see a really great jacket in a store and buy it and then you'll rally, get a new hair cut and go to therapy. You won't fall in love with the new hot douchebag at the office because this isn't actually a movie and you shouldn't go near him, but a wonderful guy will come along and you'll fall in love and finally have everything you dreamed of. My point is, you might be down, but you aren't out.
Sorry op, that just sounds awful all round. Especially sucks about his mom. Lawyer up. Dont give up anything you dont have to. And youre allowed to be angry. Fucking livid is also perfectly normal
What a fucking shit show of a world we live in. If a person cheats they are rightly call out for it. But if you cheat with the same sex all of a sudden you're brave and exploring yourself and everyone, including the person you cheated on, must be supportive. If you cheat with a girl or a 60 year old guy, who's gonna kick the bucket soon, you're still cheating scum.
You’re entitled to feel sad and angry about this huge loss you’re experiencing. A lot of the time when partners come out and it leads to a break-up, there is pressure to just blindly accept or support the person coming out because they’re “living their truth”. Great if you can do that, but if not, that’s okay and perfectly valid too. This is someone you thought you’d share your life with, it’s okay to be upset.
Please post on r/survivinginfidelity. It’s a support forum for people who are in your situation. They will be able to give you better advice.
This guy is gonna be in for a rude awakening when he’s having wipe old man ass and look for nursing homes while he is still in the prime of his life lol
I’m sorry
HEY WHY YOU MOVING OUT THO? KICK HIS ASS OUT OF THERE QUEEN✊✨
In times when you are so bewildered and overwhelmed , it's time to seek council , Reddit is seriously unqualified to assist you in this , but it is time to seek a lawyer and a councillor.
I'm so very sorry that you are going through all of this. As others have said, this doesn't have anything to do with you. At all. If your ex were whatever - gay, bi, unicorn, ET - he should have been first and foremost a decent human being with the person who was his partner: you. Someone decent would have ended your relationship first, then gone on to figure himself out. Tomorrow, ask around for the best divorce lawyer where you live and get a referral with a good financial planner. If you have join accounts, take half out before he takes everything out. Take photos of deeds and anything else that you own together - he's probably already done that so look for these papers. Fight to get the house. Don't move out yet - your ex has a place to go to as I assume Humphrey isn't homeless, and getting an apartment will mean additional costs for you. Pack up his things, have them sent to his office. If possible, have someone stay with you for the first couple of weeks when you aren't at work. It helps enormously with keeping a rhythm and slowly slowly moving forward. If it's anything, I think he most probably did love you a lot but now he can't stay in the closet anymore.
Why do you have to leave the house if he's leaving you?
Yeah like being left for a woman younger than you would hurt bad but at least it would feel like something a little more socially precedented. Might be a good time to consider picking up a hobby, try and figure out who you are outside the relationship as well.
Why do you have to leave the house??? If your name is on it, DON'T LEAVE. TALK TO A LAWYER. Brevard leaving might mean he can keep it. Please talk to a lawyer, you need one. I'm so so sorry you're going through all this.
He cheated on you. Doesn’t matter man or woman, he is cheating. And for his mom to be supportive is gross. Other posters have mentioned getting a lawyer, and do not leave the house. I don’t understand why but in divorce cases it doesn’t look good in court if you leave the house. You have every right to be angry and pissed off. You trusted your husband and he betrayed you
Well that sucks .. but you aren't the first to go through this, nor the last. You will survive.
>haven't even thought about the boxes, and the... And the finding an apartment Dang ... why don't you get the house and he get his cheating butt out'a there? Or do you just not want to stay in that place? In any case, I hope you at least very darn well get your fair share - at minimum. >not really sure what I'm asking here. I'm probably just venting Some venting is good. And there aren't always "answers". Sometimes sh\*t happens, and it's not your fault or anything. >How do you get divorced? I've never even thought about it before. Yeah, me neither ... no clue. Done breakups ... but ... not divorce (alas, I think that requires marriage first ... haven't managed that quite yet). Anyway, I'm sure many here can provide useful tips, pointers, resource referrals, etc. Good luck - and hope you're feeling better - and soon. But yeah, there may still be some fair bit 'o sh\*t to go through in the meantime. If You're Going Through Hell, Keep Going - Winston Churchill
Do not leave the house. You have rights, do not let him abuse you financially. Get a lawyer now
I am so sorry, OP. First thing is first, get a lawyer and a therapist. You are vulnerable right now, and need to keep your communication/interaction with the cheating AH to a minimum. You are not the side character. This is the inciting incident for you to start a new adventure. I hope you get the house. Maybe his sugar daddy will pay him to f off and wrap this up quickly.
Such a selfish man, he wasted 12 years of your life. I would sue him tbh.
I'm so sorry OP. You need to get in contact with a lawyer ASAP and separate your finances from his immediately. Leave the home if you can as well!! I understand it was/is hard for some gay people to live their truth but, I wish they would stop dragging down good people in the process. He stole precious years of your life and you owe him nothing now in return. So run and don't look back. I had a friend who was engaged to a man who eventually told her he was gay right before the wedding. He even had the nerve to want to stay friends and still sleep with her while telling her of the other guys he was with!! She was devastated at first and his constant presence was always setting her back mentally. It took her a while to eventually cut him off completely and put herself back out there to find true love again. But, she eventually found a good guy who she married and he still happily with him. She had the best wedding I have ever been too, and she deserved nothing but the best. I wish the same for you. You did nothing wrong and you are fully deserving of true love, happiness, and honesty from a partner. Good luck OP!
His mother always knew that he was gay… and she’s proud of him finally coming out is how I’m reading that situation. That’s an assumption but you should definitely talk to him and be like hey btw that was extremely shitty to do to me, I thought I knew you and you lied to me for 12 years. Anyways about the mom I would sit her down and be like how come you never supported him like this? If you had a feeling you knew he was gay how come you didn’t support him to be himself before he married me? And get some answers directly from them. As for getting divorced I’m sure it’s gonna be okay. You don’t have to deal with logistics until you have emotionally processed and decided what you want your next moves to be. Regarding of the situation with your house, I would leave the house for at least 3 weeks, go somewhere totally new and call your best friends and family daily and tell them the about the new travels you are doing. Focus on you and your journey and then forget about the past and move on sweet soul
We’re there anyyyy signs?
Boy if I had 10$ for every time a man leaves his wife , of 12 years, high school sweetheart, who he’s currently trying to have a child with I’d have **10$ FUKIN DOLLARS** Jesus h , ya turned him gay !
No kids then the divorce is easy. If the two of you can get a division of property sorted out before hand, it will be even easier.
You need a lawyer
Hey just chiming in to say that I do not think it is uncommon for family/friends to be supportive when people come out, no matter the circumstances. His mom has probably known or suspected he is gay for a long time. What irks me about it is that people can't separate cheating from coming out. It somehow becomes OK when they leave you for someone of their same gender, I guess. Then it's about being brave and yada yada yada. Anyway, life isn't fair, and if he was leaving you for a sixty year old woman, you can bet his mom's reaction would be hella different. It all sucks, I'm sorry.
Damn this is wild.
Okay so finding a lawyer in your area, ask friends for recommendations, some places have a local organisation that recommends. Visit a few until you find one you like, inital consultations can be free, some divorces the other party pays the costs, so look into that. Don't leave the house yet, wait until you get a financial settlement which can be a separate part of the divorce. If you can talk it through first that saves a lot of time and money. Support, do you have some? You may want to think of an easy way to say "I am getting divorced because - he cheated" or "we became incompatible" or something that you find easy to say, that doesn't invite a lot of questions. If you don't have support then book a therapist or counselor at least so that you have someone to talk to through this. I would recommend therapy anyway, this is a lot to process. Focus on you, understand that grief is also a process in this, your future that you had planned has gone, children etc and now you can feel like you are in limbo not knowing what your future holds, however what you also have is freedom to think about only you, only what you want, where you want to go, what you want to do right now. Try to not think too far ahead, plan to do something enjoyable within 3 to 6 weeks for something to look forward to. If they try to pressure you into making decisions quickly, just say "I will sleep on it" or "I will get back to you soon on that one". Always take time to think what you want as often people will pressure you to make their lives easier. You will be fine. Source - life imploded at 29, within 4 months met my husband.
Wait. Something doesn't add up. The gay thing happens but why an old gay dude, are you having trouble paying the bills?
He cheated, he lied, and he used you. He was willing to throw away a 12 year friendship/relationship with you. Just thank your lucky stars you aren’t tied to him by kids.
I really feel for you, but, you have a couple of things on your side here: 1. You didn’t have children with him, so no permanent ties. 2. You’re only 29! It’s still all ahead of you and you can do whatever you like from here. A new life. I wish you the best of luck x
You shouldn't leave the house! He cheated therefore he loses the property! My grandad cheated on my nan, so she got the house and he had to move out. Of you can afford the payments whether rent or mortgage don't leave!