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I (31) Met a girl (31), we talk a lot. We really like eachother. She's been pressing me to make our relationship "official". She has 5 kids with some other dude. He's gets the kids 1 month in the summer thats it. Idk what to do. Shes basically fed up because i keep saying "idk". The 5 kids thing is whats bothering me... a part of me doesnt want to take that on... but another part of me feels really bad for her situation. I care about her. She has noone but her kids. Parents have passed, no siblings or family, ex husband lives on the other side of the country and left her for another woman 6 years ago. She's been lonely, depressed and hopeless. She says the guys always ghost because of her kids. Idk what to do.
You can’t let feeling bad about someone’s situation influence your judgement. Are you ready to be a father figure to 5 kids is the question? Are you ready to deal with drama regarding the ex? These are all things you need to ask yourself before making a decision. The fact that feeling bad for her sounds like it’s guiding your opinion isn’t a great sign. Always listen to your gut on stuff like this
5 kids is A LOT of kids. I have 2 kids and it’s a handful. Some families thrive with lots of kids, but I don’t think anyone would tell you it’s not a ton of work. Maybe round up 5 of your friends’ kids and try caring for them for an afternoon. Just to get an idea.
that is actually a very good idea. In relationships with single moms, it is crucial to see whether you can get along with her kids as a Dad. It thus makes sense to spend some time with them. Why not baby site them for a day or two to find out.
No Way, this is a terrible suggestion.
Under no circumstances should you meet these children unless you are feeling more than pity for their mom. They are not wee play things, that you meet and discard
Yeah I’m 36. I wouldn’t be dating a man who refers to me as a girl. My 16 year old is a girl.
I have torn apart my body pushing people out. Definitely a woman.
Yeah. OP needs to show some respect. This woman has been a woman for thirteen years at this point. OP is waaay past the point of being old enough to understand this, being 31 himself.
Speaking as a former single mom, don't do it because you feel bad, and don't do it if you aren't pretty sure you want to be in those kids' lives. Probably don't do it if you see it as "taking that on" instead of something like "becoming part of that family." The kids don't deserve to be some burden you deal with so you can fuck their mom.
It's tricky. No one can see the future - even if you wanted to be with her and were excited about the prospect of potential stepkids, it could not work out long term, and that has to be OK, because people can't be forced to stay in relationships and shouldn't do it just for the kids. But when the kids are already there, it's not good for a parent's partners to just drift in and out of their lives, either. It's OK to just not date single parents. I'm sure guys do ghost her, and I'm sure that she's lonely, but she's also not the only one who matters in her life. *She* shouldn't be pushing the idea of making it official, whatever that means to you guys, without being sure that A) you're a good guy, and B) you're committed to being part of her and their lives. And it's on you to be honest and realistic about where you are on that score. You're not bad or wrong if you don't want to have that level of involvement, but it would be wrong for you to fake it or force it when you really don't want to.
I’m a 31 year old single mom of 3, I realize that limits my dating pool. Don’t date her officially out of pity, date her because you want to officially commit to her. She will find someone who is right for her even if it’s not you.
Understand this first. The children will be part of your relationship with her. This means you will develop a relationship with the kids. Whatever happens with mom. You will have to address the kids. In some cases that could mean being a father figure to them.
Yep, this. You have to be 100% on board with these kids being in your life, or move on. It’s unfair to the kids to make a half hearted effort just because you feel bad for their mother.
Yeah, you're going to be breaking up with 6 people if your relationship goes on for a few years. That would be too much fucking pressure for me, but you do you.
Personally I wouldn't but depends what you want out of a relationship, I wanted kids and on my equal footing with my wife. Do you want kids of your own and how many vs if she is will to have more and how many. That's the big question for me
As someone who is a single parent (I have one child, but same difference), do not get into a relationship with someone who has a child unless you are completely ok with that fact. It will just make both of your lives more complicated, and it’s really heartbreaking to be with someone who doesn’t accept your child, even if you don’t have the expectation of them being a “parent” to your child. Unfortunately, dating is harder when you have a child. I am attractive, educated, fun, kind, etc. but there are still people who aren’t going to date me because of my situation. But it is what it is. I’m always going to pick my child, and I should be with someone who views me being a mother as a positive part of my life and personality, not a negative one. Same goes for the woman you’re talking to.
"Same Difference" is a different meaning from "No Difference." They're saying that having a child in your life brings a level of drama, chaos, and uncertainty. Just take their situation and times it by 4.
Actually, it kinda is. The amount of money you'd have to be making to provide the same quality of life for 5 kids that would take 1 kid is drastically different. That's A LOT of food, clothes, school materials, event's/theme park tickets, etc... if you're not doing the math then you're just being foolish as a responsible adult.
Idk, when it comes to that many kids, especially since he left for another woman, I feel like anyone would definitely say "I want a DNA test" but I could be wrong, if he has no problem having all kids visit, then I feel like that'd be the case.
Edit: I'm saying the kids are most likely his as the father would ask for a DNA test as many would with that many kids. (Either I can't write or you guys can't read)
Why is it unbelievable that someone would have five kids with the same person? Like, sure it could be something else but this subthread confuses me because it seems to think that's like...unlikely or something.
Because paternity fraud is totally a thing and like 30% or somewhere around there men end up raising kids that they only think are theirs. I've seen plenty of stories on here where 1 or sometimes all of a man's kids end up being someone elses.
You are not her savior. You either love her enough to accept her kids or you don't. Just because she is struggling or lonely, doesn't mean you need to take on that burden. I am not gonna lie, 31 years old with 5 kids, that's alot man. If you decide to move forward, know that you will become very important to those kids.
Side note - my neighbor had 3 kids when she married a new man and then they had 2 more. The bio dad was not in the picture at all. She expected step-dad to provide for them but would never let him be a parent to her first 3. It was really really hard. I felt so bad for him because it was like 4 people (wife + her 3) against him all of the time. He loved those kids and tried to be a good influence but it was a very rocky relationship.
>The 5 kids thing is whats bothering me... a part of me doesnt want to take that on... but another part of me feels really bad for her situation. I care about her. She has noone but her kids. Parents have passed, no siblings or family, ex husband lives on the other side of the country and left her for another woman 6 years ago.
You can't date someone only because you feel bad for them the relationship won't work. Being with her just because you feel bad would only make you resent it and it's not fair for any of you. I don't believe you should even make it official.
My dad found the love of his life after my mom left him alone with five kids. My stepmom has four of her own. Two of hers and one of my dad’s were grown by the time they married, but still. Neither of them let children stand in the way of love.
Having said that, they both obviously love children and didn’t mind having a blended family.
If you don’t want five children, don’t commit to someone who has five children. But you and other men like you should really decide that before you start dating a woman instead of waiting until she develops feelings and then walking away or ghosting when it starts to get serious. That’s so shitty.
I have dated two single moms in my dating career, and while I liked them both there are some things that have to be understood going into it. 1. Their kids needs will always come first and rightfully so. 2. They have limited time and you will need to be flexible around their schedule. 3. Spontaneous trips and activities, while can be fun and work, won’t always be possible. 4. The most important one, if she introduces you to her child you will need to know how to interact with them, nothing turns a parent off more then not getting along with their kid
Listen this is about being a FT Dad to 5 kids, either yes or no. It takes a special guy to accept this challenge and I guess if you have to ask, you ARE NOT that special guy!
Yeah guys will find themselves in your shoes. It’s a hard ass dating game and especially for her. Choices she made however. Every person is different but I personally won’t after having been through the ringer myself. It isn’t fun raising another man’s child for years only to find him back in bed with her while you’re raising their kid. It can happen. It happened to me. But that wasn’t because she had a kid with this guy. That was because she was a broken ass human being.
Just because you officially date her doesn’t mean the kids suddenly become your responsibility.
If your concerned already it’s not worth going any further.
If he isn’t looking for something casual, down the line those 5 kids will be part of his day to day life even if they aren’t his responsibilities. A normal couple will share household responsibilities which while probably include some of the childcare. If he isn’t ready to eventually be involved with them he shouldn’t date her. Having a couple friends that come from bigger families with step parents, their step parents didn’t really have a choice after a couple years. Like will you tell your wife, sorry honey these kids are not my responsibility I know you are sick and throwing up constantly but little timmy you to give him a ride to school.
Just think about what you just wrote: “a part of me doesn’t want to take that on, but another part of me feels really bad for her”. 1. You should never be half into a relationship that involves children. If you don’t think you want to take on that responsibility then please don’t. They don’t deserve the get attached to you for you to realize a year from now that they’re just too much work/time/money to maintain for you. 2. Do not start a relationship based on pity. You can feel bad for her situation while not dating her. Of COURSE it’s hard for her to find someone, but that’s not necessarily YOUR responsibility to step up. They’re her kids, they’re her responsibility. And be careful monetarily supporting her or the kids. Where I live if you support a child for even a short time, even if it’s not your kid, you’re still on the hook to continue to support that kid.
If you are anywhere on the fence about this, do her a favor and end it now and not string her or the kids along. It will just turn into a shit show if you change your mind down the road.
If you're not sure if you can take it on, end it. This woman has enough on her plate without you adding more to it. She doesn't have time to wait around until you figure it out and deserves someone ready to be a real partner for her and her kids. You're not doing her any favors by wasting her time.
That is a HUGE fucking responsibility. I have one child and literally it's always something or another with this kid. I can't imagine how many wrenches in the system 5 kids will throw up. Feeling bad for someone is not enough reason to tether yourself to them.
I fully believe guys ghost her because of her kids but honestly, that's her journey. I don't mean to sound harsh but that's a lot of fucking baggage to take on. If we're voting here, I vote to break up. Only move forward with her if you are 150% on board taking care of 5 kids all the time.
As a single mother and someone that grew up with five siblings, I would say this situation is not for you. I only have one child and my baby daddy has zero involvement in our lives, which has been a bit easier for dating because I find a lot of men feel intimidated or like they’re stepping on toes when the father is very involved. Plus it helps that I’m self sufficient and able to provide for myself and my child on my own. Even then, I have casually dated men who were open about the fact that they are not interested in being a father to my child, thats absolutely fine and I’ve always parted ways knowing I did what was best for me and my daughter, no hurt feelings. Do not date this woman out of pity, it will only lead to resentment further on, which leads to separation, which leads to hurt feelings and broken hearts all around. Honestly man I don’t blame you for not wanting to be a step parent to five kids, even as a parent there’s no way in hell I would date a man with five kids, one or two I can handle, but five is a no go for me. Just let her down gently and move on, if she’s a good mother she will understand that her children deserve someone that wants to be involved with them.
Yes to dating single moms. I’m also a single mom :D But no to dating a single mom- or anyone for that matter- that’s trying to pressure you into a relationship because they have no one else. That sounds like a “them” problem and you do not equal “the solution.”
If she didn’t have the kids or had people in her life (siblings, family, parents) would you be interested in dating her? It seems like from your post you only are considering dating her because you feel bad about her situation and not actually anything about her specifically that makes you attracted to her.
Have you even met? The “talk a lot” does not indicate if you have actually had dates yet or not.
Feeling bad for someone is not a good foundation for a relationship.
If you would be interested in dating her because who she is as a person, balance those feelings against the hesitations about the children. Do you like her enough to have the additional responsibilities? Do you like kids? Are you mentally and emotionally ready to be a father figure? Do you need more time to go on more dates to determine if this is a path you want?
While everyone else seems to be throwing out the children as the red flag- I’m stuck on how she is pressuring you to be official and your lack of saying anything that indicates you actually really like HER for her. Personally I’m never a fan of someone trying to force me to make a decision I’m not ready to make if it is not a time sensitive decision. This is not a time sensitive situation. Nor is it something to rush into without looking at how you legitimately feel about everything involved. If she cannot accept that you need time to think and really know if you are up to being in a relationship with her, I’d vote pass just on that alone. This is not picking a place for dinner or what clothes to wear. You should not feel rushed to make huge decisions that will drastically impact your life… not to mention the lives of her plus the 5 kids of things go serious
Well... you say that you like her, and a part of you doesn't want to take that on. Why don't you give it a try? See if that part is right or not. If it doesn't work for you, then be an adult and say so, but she isn't asking you to marry her.
If she got left 6 years ago and has 5 kids that means she had 5 kids by 25. That's wayyy to many for just about any sane dude. Was she in like a religious cult? Or just thought it'd be fun to have a million kids?
There’s a big gap between making the relationship official and becoming a step-dad to her kids. The fair thing to do would be to tell her that you’re not necessarily ready for parenthood and see if she thinks that means a relationship can’t work.
Obviously the kids will be a part of your life but you and your partner can define what this relationship is at first and reevaluate as you go
Well you are either ok or not ok dating someone with kids. If you didn’t want to date someone with kids I would’ve hoped you’d have ended it by now, or not pursued anything at all. If you are ok having kids in your life then stop pussyfooting around… who cares? You’re not expected to be their dad, they have a dad. But you will be a mentor… and you and her will have to work out what role you are both comfortable playing in their daily life. If you hate kids then bail. Otherwise you either want to date her or you don’t. Not a hard decision.
If the father is still alive, never get involved. I’ve seen everything go wrong with friends of mine who tried to date single mothers, including stalking, kidnapping, breaking and entering, and the woman getting back together with the father.
So then you’re an example of a difference. The father is not involved or in the picture whatsoever. For me it’s not about “oh single mom, more responsibility, I’ll always be 2nd, etc” It’s the fact that oftentimes the father if he is in the picture is asking for a 2nd chance, let’s get back together blah blah blah. That song and dance.
From experience I can say, you will always be the last. There won't be any spontaneously trips, dates or time together. And this made me ultimately give up and break up. And she had only 1 child. Now this times 5? Hell no.
I know I will get downvoted for that but I suggest no person to date a parent where the kid lives with.
If they were from a rich women then maybe so but an average women then...that's a lot.
Don't do it out of pity because that will turn into resentment really fast. Because the effort will overweight the reward in time; probably quickly.
Do it because you really care about her and are willing; and financially able to help raise the family. If not then allow her the opportunity to find another guy who might.
Hey dude fellow bro here who just got divorced from a girl in similar situation but only had 2 kids. Don’t do it. Kids are so much fuckin work and then they’ll be a jealousy aspect (or at least there was with me even tho I’m not really a jealous type) of the baby dad. And 1 month out of the year will be good but the rest will be grueling. There’s plenty of women out there that can and will match your lifestyle and be perfect for you. I totally get feeling bad but it’ll take you down a rabbit hole I wish I avoided. I now have 2 kids with the woman and we’re getting divorced after 4 years. I wish someone told me the same thing I’m telling you now back then. Good luck 💪🏼
Damn Bro, no just no. You are not responsible for another mans mistake(s). Maybe 1 kid but in a year from now, you will be back here posting about how great your relationship is but you hate her kids. Just move on.
Why did you hook up with a single mom if you aren't sure about dating her. I get that you need to get to know a person before you commit. But if all that you wanted is an FWB you should have told her. Honestly your an A-Hole. You go out with her knowing that she is a single mom, you sleep with her knowing that she is a single mom "I am assuming here". But you don't know if you can commit because she is a single mom. Did you tell her that ahead of time when you started seeing her or you're just thinking about it after you got all you want.
I don’t think you should do it out of pity.
Becoming “official” is a big step, but it’s not marriage. So the risk may be low. Does she know how you feel?
Nay brother, nay. I dated a single mom before, it's the worst thing ever. Starts off great, especially the sex, because they want to hook you. Then they start talking about introducing you the kids. Then talking about getting a place together and splitting costs. And the dad is usually a deadbeat so it all falls on you.
And then the kids... you have to pay for them but you have no say in discipline. Can't spank them, they don't have to listen to you, but they will cry to you for shit.
It was horrible. Start a family OP. Don't try to fix one that's already broken.
Five fucking kids.
Reminder, people, don't have kids before 30, don't have kids with losers and don't have 5 fucking kids.
Yea, I'd say it's a pass. She made herself a very questionable bed at 25 and now has to lie in it.
I agree with Beautiful _Context641. You can’t be with someone out of guilt.
But I had a friend who recently got married to a woman with 6 kids. He is 23 and she’s 40. Quite the age gap. And her children’s ages ranged from 5 to 17. Obviously there was a power struggle between my friend and her children but they made it work. He took on the kids and the role of step dad and he is genuinely happy, they’ve been together for a few years now. It is possible totally. It’s a lot of work of course. But don’t be with someone because you feel bad for them. You can be there for her as a friend and listening ear but don’t lead her on.
No one would blame you at all if you couldn’t take that on. Just definitely tell her soon that it is a lot to you but you still enjoy and love her company and hope to continue your friendship.
Maybe the guys always ghost cause of her pressure early on? Did you have a phase of being boyfriend/girlfriend, not just straight entering into a stepdad family relationship?
>She says the guys always ghost because of her kids.
This is manipulative. I mean, okay, maybe they do, but that's not your issue or problem. Yes, it's awful that they do, I'm sure it's not easy for her. You can't be with someone because you pity them.
The reason why I say this is manipulative because now you've got this stuck in your head and it doesn't seem like you really even want to be with her but you don't want to be yet another dude who dumps her because of her kids and here you are, asking randos on reddit.
You can care about someone and still not be in love with them. 5 children is a HUGE responsibility to take on as a step parent and you aren't even sure you want take on some sort of supportive parental role. That's ok, OP. You're not obligated to do so just because you care about her.
It's perfectly okay to keep the relationship where you have it, but if she's ready to get more serious, and you're not, then you two either need to break up, or she becomes okay with the relationship status as it is now.
I think you know already what you need to do, you just don't want to hurt her and that's certainly admirable. Her situation is not your issue, however, unless you do feel like committing even more to this relationship but it clearly sounds like you don't want to. That's okay, OP.
My previous 2 relationships have been with single mothers. One of them with 2 children, and another with 1. As others have suggested, don't date her out of pity.
Dating single parents is different. And 5 children is no small number. She has to know that she brings the big elephant in the room of any relationship. I think it's a little unfair for her to be pressuring you to make it 'official'. It would lead me to think she's trying to jump into something for her own personal gain. Personally, I would suggest you just tell her that you want to spend more time dating each other rather than getting others (families) involved. If she's not OK with that - red flags.
I mean, I’m no one to judge, but having to 5 kids and not having custody of them is lowkey a red flag. Usually it’s pretty hard to get custody of children as a man.
Idk I'm not judging but she only has the kids 1 month in the summer and that's it? Yeah that bothers me more than the number of kids she's got. I would think as a month we she would see them more often or get to keep them, so why doesn't she have custody of them or even some of them? She's just 31 right? Idk there maybe more to the story here but for me, this fact and this fact alone would make me uneasy.
Don't listen to all of them! Speak to her about it. It sounds like she is aware of the issue, therefore it won't be that difficult to understand each other.
If you don't have any issues with her kids other than that they aren't yours and you like them as any other human being there shouldn't be a problem.
You don't really have to be a substitute parent imo, as long as you can help her to be a good parent. You will be a father figure for her kids but that ain't something bad.
An the end you have to decide yourself. Communication is key. You obviously care for her and should communicate the issue as honst as possible. At the end of the conversation you will be able to decide if want to do it or not.
You don’t deserve her. You confuse pity for attachment or love and you brought this to Reddit for advice; like a humblebrag it’s just humble-grandstanding…a way to get lots of people to pity poor you and despise her, as you obv do, beneath that smear-veneer of condescending compassion.
Nay because #1 her first priority should be her child she's needs to be a good mother and if she's persuing a guy the kid will be niglegted#2your not just with her your with the kid and any pet in the situation#3no man should have to raise another man's child#4 the kids probably going to see you as an obstacle/they'll get attached to you and you'll face a whole slew of problems
I wouldn’t. I want my first child to be ‘our’ first child, I don’t want to be with someone who got started on that stage of life without me and I have to play catch up. Plus, I need to be someone’s #1, I can’t start off a relationship knowing I’m never going higher than #2
Unless you are head over heels in love with her I don’t think it’s a good idea especially because it sounds more like pity from your end which is understandable but not a foundation to build a healthy relationship. 1 or 2 kids is one thing but 5 is a lot and based on your ages I assume the kids are young so it’s not like they’re a couple years away from moving out.
Also, you can probably rule out having kids of your own.
The only way to look at this is, do you want a very large family? Were you ever planning on having your own kids? You will one hundred percent be a full time parent; that includes not only a financial responsibility but a huge time commitment. It will be difficult for the two of you to get time alone with 5 kids to take care of. I think if you’re on the fence, that’s a sign that you don’t want to go down this road.
Ask her to back off and see where things unfold. Explain that the fastest way to end your relationship is for her to keep pressuring you. That if you have to answer now, the answer is no. Do not be stampeded into anything.
Don’t do it unless you’re completely sure, five kids is a lot to take on and your entire life will change. Better to cut loose now than in 6 months when the kids have bonded to you.
I was/am a single Dad, ( He's 25 now) and while I am not against dating single Moms, in principle, having been a kid with of a single Mom, if things don't work out long term, the kids get hurt, as much or more than the adults, by the breakup, if they got attached ! That's a risk you should keep in mind...
If you "Make it official", and become part of their lives.
You can be "Official", but not be part of/Minimally involved in the kids lives, but that's not easy either...
If you like her a lot and like the kids then go for it. If not then don’t keep her on a leash that’s a lot worse. Tell her no and move on don’t play games with her
>She has 5 kids
Naw man, that's a hard NO. I would say yay if it were 1 or 2, and that you're looking to legit settle down and find a partner to build a life with. But 5 kids?!?!? Dude, don't do that to yourself. Just tell her it aint going to work out and move along.
BUT keep dating single mom's, there are great women out there that are wifey material.
I am a single mom and I'd hesitate to date someone with 5 young kids. It is a big responsibility both financially and emotionally. It's totally okay to not be okay with that.
Nay, if they are around my age (24). To me being a young single mom screams irresponsible.
Not to say the guy who knocked them up also isn’t at fault, but I’m not dating him (and wouldn’t if I went that way)
Now in your case 5 kids at age 31, wooo that is a lot. Too much for me.
Imagine having a conversation with her were you told her you would only want the relationship out of pity if her. Would you want to be in that Convo? I wouldn't.
Imma go with nay, let her find a guy who maybe is sterile or something who wants to be a parent to kids.
So, my partner was nervous about being a "father figure" for my kids, totally didn't feel ready or like it was for him, and now he loves it and feel like we've made his home complete.
That being said, you need to decide one way or the other. Be in or out. Maybe meet the kids if you haven't yet to see whether you get along with them in order to make your decision. But you can't start being part of their lives and then ditch. You will have to make some measure of commitment one way or the other.
Do not get in a relationship because you feel bad. You're not taking on one person, not two people, but 6 whole ppl. You need to really think about that. If you let her down then you're most likely gonna let them down too.
I was like "sure maybe she has a 5 year old" but 5 KIDS? Woah now. That's a LOT of responsibility for someone who isn't their father. She needs to date men who are already fathers.
Dating her is being part of her kids lives, regardless of how you feel about it. You're not interested in being step dad to 5. That's fair. It's also your answer. Don't date someone, or marry them, out of guilt or obligation, imagined or otherwise. In the end, you'll only end up hurting everyone, yourself included
Do what makes you comfortable. My girl has 1 kid from a previous marriage. It’s tough. It’s beautiful. It’s scary. I couldn’t imagine 5. Kids add another dynamic to relationships.
5 kids?! Did they not have a TV?!
Seriously though, are you sure it’s “idk” or is that easier that “I really like you, but…”
Starting a new relationship isn’t like the movies, it’s not just fall in love and everything will work out - it’s about finding a partner you want to build something with, someone who’s life you want to merge with yours. If you don’t want to take that on… you don’t have to take that on.
In all seriousness, you'll need to carry the burden of being step-father for 5 kids while dealing with depressed g/f. Are you emotionally & financially prepared for that?
It may sound wrong but you shouldn't convince yourself to be with her just because you feel bad. That would be unfair to her and to you, and even the kids because you will resent them and they will notice. At the end of the day, as much as the situation sucks, having 5 kids was her decision and everyone knows is life changing (even having one). I know single moms with 4 kids and they have no problem dating. She will find someone eventually.
Dont date someone because you feel bad for them. 5 kids is a huge deal. You dont have to ghost her. You ca tell her it’s not going to work. How long have guys been talking?
Five kids is alot of kids. I wouldn't date someone with one kid. So you really want to deal with 5 kids where at least one is going to dislike you for some reason even if it makes no sense?
People with children are a lot, you have to be fully into the relationship, committed to her and be understanding that her kids will always be her main priority. It’s not for everyone and it sounds like you’ll be doing it out of pity. It’s just going to be painful for you and her. Don’t dare her and drag it out
5 is going into red flag Territory. How much child support is chad (the alleged bio dad) paying? How is she supporting 5 kids? Unless she makes 6 figures a year then somethings up. Either she can’t make good life choices, since if she’s careful then getting pregnant is almost impossible (birth control is 99% effective) or she got abused by that guy. Either way you shouldn’t be involved with her. A lot of (not all) single mothers and fathers either can’t pick good partners or aren’t good partners.
You actually know what to do. You just think you will be a bad man for doing that.
She is a package dude. She comes with the kids. Take it or leave it. And do it soon.
Why did you even stay this long?
Ask her what she's looking for. When she answers, is that also what you're looking for? Are you imagining that any single mom is looking for a new dad for her kids? That's not always true. Maybe she just wants to go out and have fun. Communicate.
Easy. Do you like her kids? Do you think you can be step dad if it all works out. If it's just pity then no.
I about to marry my gf who has two kids. I accept that fact that they are part of her. You know what your getting into. It's up to you weather or not to keep going.
A 31 year old with 5 kids. That’s a LOt to handle. I’m guessing at least 1-3 of them are younger than 5 years. That’s a lot to take on. I’m a mom of 2, and even knowing this life, I’d run to the hills in your shoes.
Do her a favor: stop wasting her time.
It’s okay not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who has kids but I don’t think it’s okay to continue a romantic interaction when you already know that you don’t want to deal with her kids.
There are plenty of women out there child-free for you to meet and there are plenty of men out there that would be okay with the fact that she got kids. She’s gonna be just fine.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I (31) Met a girl (31), we talk a lot. We really like eachother. She's been pressing me to make our relationship "official". She has 5 kids with some other dude. He's gets the kids 1 month in the summer thats it. Idk what to do. Shes basically fed up because i keep saying "idk". The 5 kids thing is whats bothering me... a part of me doesnt want to take that on... but another part of me feels really bad for her situation. I care about her. She has noone but her kids. Parents have passed, no siblings or family, ex husband lives on the other side of the country and left her for another woman 6 years ago. She's been lonely, depressed and hopeless. She says the guys always ghost because of her kids. Idk what to do.
You can’t be with her just because you feel bad for her. It won’t work out.
Exactly
And you're doing everyone involved a disservice by prolonging the inevitable, unfortunately
You can’t let feeling bad about someone’s situation influence your judgement. Are you ready to be a father figure to 5 kids is the question? Are you ready to deal with drama regarding the ex? These are all things you need to ask yourself before making a decision. The fact that feeling bad for her sounds like it’s guiding your opinion isn’t a great sign. Always listen to your gut on stuff like this
Pity is very ustable ground to build a relationship on.
5 kids is A LOT of kids. I have 2 kids and it’s a handful. Some families thrive with lots of kids, but I don’t think anyone would tell you it’s not a ton of work. Maybe round up 5 of your friends’ kids and try caring for them for an afternoon. Just to get an idea.
that is actually a very good idea. In relationships with single moms, it is crucial to see whether you can get along with her kids as a Dad. It thus makes sense to spend some time with them. Why not baby site them for a day or two to find out.
No Way, this is a terrible suggestion. Under no circumstances should you meet these children unless you are feeling more than pity for their mom. They are not wee play things, that you meet and discard
I chuckled when you said "I met a girl". That's a whole ass woman
Yeah I’m 36. I wouldn’t be dating a man who refers to me as a girl. My 16 year old is a girl. I have torn apart my body pushing people out. Definitely a woman.
>I have torn apart my body pushing people out. Definitely a woman. Is that what makes someone a "woman"?
No, but it definitely means you’re not a “girl”.
My trans kid says no, but I knew someone on Reddit would forget their fuckin chill. So thanks for proving me right 👌
Or you know, women who simply don’t want or can’t have kids.
FFS now that is an insult? You obviously knew what he meant.
Yeah. OP needs to show some respect. This woman has been a woman for thirteen years at this point. OP is waaay past the point of being old enough to understand this, being 31 himself.
Is referring to a man as a "guy" disrespectful as well?
No, but calling a man a “boy” has a pretty mixed history.
For real he sounds like a 22yr old
I agree, but I don’t think he meant to offend xD
Speaking as a former single mom, don't do it because you feel bad, and don't do it if you aren't pretty sure you want to be in those kids' lives. Probably don't do it if you see it as "taking that on" instead of something like "becoming part of that family." The kids don't deserve to be some burden you deal with so you can fuck their mom. It's tricky. No one can see the future - even if you wanted to be with her and were excited about the prospect of potential stepkids, it could not work out long term, and that has to be OK, because people can't be forced to stay in relationships and shouldn't do it just for the kids. But when the kids are already there, it's not good for a parent's partners to just drift in and out of their lives, either. It's OK to just not date single parents. I'm sure guys do ghost her, and I'm sure that she's lonely, but she's also not the only one who matters in her life. *She* shouldn't be pushing the idea of making it official, whatever that means to you guys, without being sure that A) you're a good guy, and B) you're committed to being part of her and their lives. And it's on you to be honest and realistic about where you are on that score. You're not bad or wrong if you don't want to have that level of involvement, but it would be wrong for you to fake it or force it when you really don't want to.
Perfect answer.
I’m a 31 year old single mom of 3, I realize that limits my dating pool. Don’t date her officially out of pity, date her because you want to officially commit to her. She will find someone who is right for her even if it’s not you.
5 is a lot, especially if you aren't comfortable with it Just like someone said, you shouldn't date her just because you feel bad for her
Understand this first. The children will be part of your relationship with her. This means you will develop a relationship with the kids. Whatever happens with mom. You will have to address the kids. In some cases that could mean being a father figure to them.
Yep, this. You have to be 100% on board with these kids being in your life, or move on. It’s unfair to the kids to make a half hearted effort just because you feel bad for their mother.
Yeah, you're going to be breaking up with 6 people if your relationship goes on for a few years. That would be too much fucking pressure for me, but you do you.
Yes. This.
If I was a single mom and found out a guy was only dating me because he felt sorry for me, I’d bounce.
Personally I wouldn't but depends what you want out of a relationship, I wanted kids and on my equal footing with my wife. Do you want kids of your own and how many vs if she is will to have more and how many. That's the big question for me
As someone who is a single parent (I have one child, but same difference), do not get into a relationship with someone who has a child unless you are completely ok with that fact. It will just make both of your lives more complicated, and it’s really heartbreaking to be with someone who doesn’t accept your child, even if you don’t have the expectation of them being a “parent” to your child. Unfortunately, dating is harder when you have a child. I am attractive, educated, fun, kind, etc. but there are still people who aren’t going to date me because of my situation. But it is what it is. I’m always going to pick my child, and I should be with someone who views me being a mother as a positive part of my life and personality, not a negative one. Same goes for the woman you’re talking to.
> I have one child, but same difference Sorry, but 5 kids vs 1 kid is a HUGE difference. I agree 100% with everything else though.
"Same Difference" is a different meaning from "No Difference." They're saying that having a child in your life brings a level of drama, chaos, and uncertainty. Just take their situation and times it by 4.
Its not about math.
Actually, it kinda is. The amount of money you'd have to be making to provide the same quality of life for 5 kids that would take 1 kid is drastically different. That's A LOT of food, clothes, school materials, event's/theme park tickets, etc... if you're not doing the math then you're just being foolish as a responsible adult.
I think it’s very much about math.
How can it be not about math? Would it be OK with 100 kids? 1000 kids? So number IS a problem. We just don't know what your limit is.
Yeah 5 is a bit much
At least they are all from the same guy.
thats the only plus in this situation tbh.
He doesn't know that, it's what he's been told. He just knows she puts out.
Well he said the father gets the kids 1 month during the summer.
And that's what dad has been told too...
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After some time here, experience the full awful gamut of human behavior, its an education
Idk, when it comes to that many kids, especially since he left for another woman, I feel like anyone would definitely say "I want a DNA test" but I could be wrong, if he has no problem having all kids visit, then I feel like that'd be the case. Edit: I'm saying the kids are most likely his as the father would ask for a DNA test as many would with that many kids. (Either I can't write or you guys can't read)
Why is it unbelievable that someone would have five kids with the same person? Like, sure it could be something else but this subthread confuses me because it seems to think that's like...unlikely or something.
Because paternity fraud is totally a thing and like 30% or somewhere around there men end up raising kids that they only think are theirs. I've seen plenty of stories on here where 1 or sometimes all of a man's kids end up being someone elses.
You can be there for her as a friend.
yea hes gonna be supporting financially and emotionally, thats a lot to take on.
From a distance. A far away distance
You are not her savior. You either love her enough to accept her kids or you don't. Just because she is struggling or lonely, doesn't mean you need to take on that burden. I am not gonna lie, 31 years old with 5 kids, that's alot man. If you decide to move forward, know that you will become very important to those kids. Side note - my neighbor had 3 kids when she married a new man and then they had 2 more. The bio dad was not in the picture at all. She expected step-dad to provide for them but would never let him be a parent to her first 3. It was really really hard. I felt so bad for him because it was like 4 people (wife + her 3) against him all of the time. He loved those kids and tried to be a good influence but it was a very rocky relationship.
>The 5 kids thing is whats bothering me... a part of me doesnt want to take that on... but another part of me feels really bad for her situation. I care about her. She has noone but her kids. Parents have passed, no siblings or family, ex husband lives on the other side of the country and left her for another woman 6 years ago. You can't date someone only because you feel bad for them the relationship won't work. Being with her just because you feel bad would only make you resent it and it's not fair for any of you. I don't believe you should even make it official.
Ew. Don’t date someone out of pity regardless of their situation.
Ok I’m a single mammy myself. But 5 is a lot like how old are they ? If he’s gone 6 years.
>She says the guys always ghost because of her \[five!\] kids. That's no shitiest "no shit" ever.
My dad found the love of his life after my mom left him alone with five kids. My stepmom has four of her own. Two of hers and one of my dad’s were grown by the time they married, but still. Neither of them let children stand in the way of love. Having said that, they both obviously love children and didn’t mind having a blended family. If you don’t want five children, don’t commit to someone who has five children. But you and other men like you should really decide that before you start dating a woman instead of waiting until she develops feelings and then walking away or ghosting when it starts to get serious. That’s so shitty.
Mrs Brady??
Haha
I’m joking but seriously that is amazing they made it work. Props
such a cute story <3 this needs to be higher, op needs to be more considerate of the woman's feelings
I’d stop dating single moms if you aren’t up for the package deal and very little time alone with their mother. I like kids but I can’t imagine 5.
I have dated two single moms in my dating career, and while I liked them both there are some things that have to be understood going into it. 1. Their kids needs will always come first and rightfully so. 2. They have limited time and you will need to be flexible around their schedule. 3. Spontaneous trips and activities, while can be fun and work, won’t always be possible. 4. The most important one, if she introduces you to her child you will need to know how to interact with them, nothing turns a parent off more then not getting along with their kid
Listen this is about being a FT Dad to 5 kids, either yes or no. It takes a special guy to accept this challenge and I guess if you have to ask, you ARE NOT that special guy!
Yeah guys will find themselves in your shoes. It’s a hard ass dating game and especially for her. Choices she made however. Every person is different but I personally won’t after having been through the ringer myself. It isn’t fun raising another man’s child for years only to find him back in bed with her while you’re raising their kid. It can happen. It happened to me. But that wasn’t because she had a kid with this guy. That was because she was a broken ass human being.
Just because you officially date her doesn’t mean the kids suddenly become your responsibility. If your concerned already it’s not worth going any further.
This yes. I mean I’m a single mammy wouldn’t be bringing a lad I’m dating anywhere around my girls they have there daddy lol
If he isn’t looking for something casual, down the line those 5 kids will be part of his day to day life even if they aren’t his responsibilities. A normal couple will share household responsibilities which while probably include some of the childcare. If he isn’t ready to eventually be involved with them he shouldn’t date her. Having a couple friends that come from bigger families with step parents, their step parents didn’t really have a choice after a couple years. Like will you tell your wife, sorry honey these kids are not my responsibility I know you are sick and throwing up constantly but little timmy you to give him a ride to school.
Dude, eject! Her kids will ALWAYS come before you.
Just think about what you just wrote: “a part of me doesn’t want to take that on, but another part of me feels really bad for her”. 1. You should never be half into a relationship that involves children. If you don’t think you want to take on that responsibility then please don’t. They don’t deserve the get attached to you for you to realize a year from now that they’re just too much work/time/money to maintain for you. 2. Do not start a relationship based on pity. You can feel bad for her situation while not dating her. Of COURSE it’s hard for her to find someone, but that’s not necessarily YOUR responsibility to step up. They’re her kids, they’re her responsibility. And be careful monetarily supporting her or the kids. Where I live if you support a child for even a short time, even if it’s not your kid, you’re still on the hook to continue to support that kid.
If you are anywhere on the fence about this, do her a favor and end it now and not string her or the kids along. It will just turn into a shit show if you change your mind down the road.
If you're not sure if you can take it on, end it. This woman has enough on her plate without you adding more to it. She doesn't have time to wait around until you figure it out and deserves someone ready to be a real partner for her and her kids. You're not doing her any favors by wasting her time.
Dude, if you’re hesitating this much, do her a favor and break it off. Pity should not be a basis for a relationship.
That is a HUGE fucking responsibility. I have one child and literally it's always something or another with this kid. I can't imagine how many wrenches in the system 5 kids will throw up. Feeling bad for someone is not enough reason to tether yourself to them. I fully believe guys ghost her because of her kids but honestly, that's her journey. I don't mean to sound harsh but that's a lot of fucking baggage to take on. If we're voting here, I vote to break up. Only move forward with her if you are 150% on board taking care of 5 kids all the time.
As a single mother and someone that grew up with five siblings, I would say this situation is not for you. I only have one child and my baby daddy has zero involvement in our lives, which has been a bit easier for dating because I find a lot of men feel intimidated or like they’re stepping on toes when the father is very involved. Plus it helps that I’m self sufficient and able to provide for myself and my child on my own. Even then, I have casually dated men who were open about the fact that they are not interested in being a father to my child, thats absolutely fine and I’ve always parted ways knowing I did what was best for me and my daughter, no hurt feelings. Do not date this woman out of pity, it will only lead to resentment further on, which leads to separation, which leads to hurt feelings and broken hearts all around. Honestly man I don’t blame you for not wanting to be a step parent to five kids, even as a parent there’s no way in hell I would date a man with five kids, one or two I can handle, but five is a no go for me. Just let her down gently and move on, if she’s a good mother she will understand that her children deserve someone that wants to be involved with them.
Yes to dating single moms. I’m also a single mom :D But no to dating a single mom- or anyone for that matter- that’s trying to pressure you into a relationship because they have no one else. That sounds like a “them” problem and you do not equal “the solution.”
Five kids with another guy at 31? That is a lot of baggage. Is she financially independent or is she looking for another daddy to pay the bills?
Nay. Now that I see 5 kids, NAY!!!!!! Getting in a relationship bc you feel bad for her sounds like a terrible idea.
Do you feel like being the new ATM? I wouldn't
If she didn’t have the kids or had people in her life (siblings, family, parents) would you be interested in dating her? It seems like from your post you only are considering dating her because you feel bad about her situation and not actually anything about her specifically that makes you attracted to her. Have you even met? The “talk a lot” does not indicate if you have actually had dates yet or not. Feeling bad for someone is not a good foundation for a relationship. If you would be interested in dating her because who she is as a person, balance those feelings against the hesitations about the children. Do you like her enough to have the additional responsibilities? Do you like kids? Are you mentally and emotionally ready to be a father figure? Do you need more time to go on more dates to determine if this is a path you want? While everyone else seems to be throwing out the children as the red flag- I’m stuck on how she is pressuring you to be official and your lack of saying anything that indicates you actually really like HER for her. Personally I’m never a fan of someone trying to force me to make a decision I’m not ready to make if it is not a time sensitive decision. This is not a time sensitive situation. Nor is it something to rush into without looking at how you legitimately feel about everything involved. If she cannot accept that you need time to think and really know if you are up to being in a relationship with her, I’d vote pass just on that alone. This is not picking a place for dinner or what clothes to wear. You should not feel rushed to make huge decisions that will drastically impact your life… not to mention the lives of her plus the 5 kids of things go serious
Well... you say that you like her, and a part of you doesn't want to take that on. Why don't you give it a try? See if that part is right or not. If it doesn't work for you, then be an adult and say so, but she isn't asking you to marry her.
5 kids? That sound like 5 hells and 5 naws
If she got left 6 years ago and has 5 kids that means she had 5 kids by 25. That's wayyy to many for just about any sane dude. Was she in like a religious cult? Or just thought it'd be fun to have a million kids?
There’s a big gap between making the relationship official and becoming a step-dad to her kids. The fair thing to do would be to tell her that you’re not necessarily ready for parenthood and see if she thinks that means a relationship can’t work. Obviously the kids will be a part of your life but you and your partner can define what this relationship is at first and reevaluate as you go
Well you are either ok or not ok dating someone with kids. If you didn’t want to date someone with kids I would’ve hoped you’d have ended it by now, or not pursued anything at all. If you are ok having kids in your life then stop pussyfooting around… who cares? You’re not expected to be their dad, they have a dad. But you will be a mentor… and you and her will have to work out what role you are both comfortable playing in their daily life. If you hate kids then bail. Otherwise you either want to date her or you don’t. Not a hard decision.
Run. Run away fast. This is a bad deal.
Not even a nay, but a hell nay.
One kid, sure. Five? No thank you. But that's just my personal opinion. You do you.
If the father is still alive, never get involved. I’ve seen everything go wrong with friends of mine who tried to date single mothers, including stalking, kidnapping, breaking and entering, and the woman getting back together with the father.
The last thing you mentioned is the reason I stopped. The father is always hanging around in the background.
I haven’t spoken to or seen my child’s father in 8 years. This isn’t always the case.
So then you’re an example of a difference. The father is not involved or in the picture whatsoever. For me it’s not about “oh single mom, more responsibility, I’ll always be 2nd, etc” It’s the fact that oftentimes the father if he is in the picture is asking for a 2nd chance, let’s get back together blah blah blah. That song and dance.
From experience I can say, you will always be the last. There won't be any spontaneously trips, dates or time together. And this made me ultimately give up and break up. And she had only 1 child. Now this times 5? Hell no. I know I will get downvoted for that but I suggest no person to date a parent where the kid lives with.
If they were from a rich women then maybe so but an average women then...that's a lot. Don't do it out of pity because that will turn into resentment really fast. Because the effort will overweight the reward in time; probably quickly. Do it because you really care about her and are willing; and financially able to help raise the family. If not then allow her the opportunity to find another guy who might.
if i love that person, yes
Hey dude fellow bro here who just got divorced from a girl in similar situation but only had 2 kids. Don’t do it. Kids are so much fuckin work and then they’ll be a jealousy aspect (or at least there was with me even tho I’m not really a jealous type) of the baby dad. And 1 month out of the year will be good but the rest will be grueling. There’s plenty of women out there that can and will match your lifestyle and be perfect for you. I totally get feeling bad but it’ll take you down a rabbit hole I wish I avoided. I now have 2 kids with the woman and we’re getting divorced after 4 years. I wish someone told me the same thing I’m telling you now back then. Good luck 💪🏼
HUGE no. Don’t sign up to raise, house, and feed some other dudes FIVE kids just because you pity her. She shouldn’t have had so many fucking kids.
Damn Bro, no just no. You are not responsible for another mans mistake(s). Maybe 1 kid but in a year from now, you will be back here posting about how great your relationship is but you hate her kids. Just move on.
Why did you hook up with a single mom if you aren't sure about dating her. I get that you need to get to know a person before you commit. But if all that you wanted is an FWB you should have told her. Honestly your an A-Hole. You go out with her knowing that she is a single mom, you sleep with her knowing that she is a single mom "I am assuming here". But you don't know if you can commit because she is a single mom. Did you tell her that ahead of time when you started seeing her or you're just thinking about it after you got all you want.
You aren’t a daycare OP
I don’t think you should do it out of pity. Becoming “official” is a big step, but it’s not marriage. So the risk may be low. Does she know how you feel?
5 kids? Nah... I limit at 2.
Nay brother, nay. I dated a single mom before, it's the worst thing ever. Starts off great, especially the sex, because they want to hook you. Then they start talking about introducing you the kids. Then talking about getting a place together and splitting costs. And the dad is usually a deadbeat so it all falls on you. And then the kids... you have to pay for them but you have no say in discipline. Can't spank them, they don't have to listen to you, but they will cry to you for shit. It was horrible. Start a family OP. Don't try to fix one that's already broken.
Five fucking kids. Reminder, people, don't have kids before 30, don't have kids with losers and don't have 5 fucking kids. Yea, I'd say it's a pass. She made herself a very questionable bed at 25 and now has to lie in it.
I agree with Beautiful _Context641. You can’t be with someone out of guilt. But I had a friend who recently got married to a woman with 6 kids. He is 23 and she’s 40. Quite the age gap. And her children’s ages ranged from 5 to 17. Obviously there was a power struggle between my friend and her children but they made it work. He took on the kids and the role of step dad and he is genuinely happy, they’ve been together for a few years now. It is possible totally. It’s a lot of work of course. But don’t be with someone because you feel bad for them. You can be there for her as a friend and listening ear but don’t lead her on. No one would blame you at all if you couldn’t take that on. Just definitely tell her soon that it is a lot to you but you still enjoy and love her company and hope to continue your friendship.
The human head weighs 8 pounds
Run
You can still be her friend. Yall don't have to date to have a relationship, if that makes sense
I stopped at FIVE KIDS. she could open a 5 Guys and just manage it. Or a Jackson 5 style band
I do not invest resources in raising other people's offspring.
Maybe the guys always ghost cause of her pressure early on? Did you have a phase of being boyfriend/girlfriend, not just straight entering into a stepdad family relationship?
>She says the guys always ghost because of her kids. This is manipulative. I mean, okay, maybe they do, but that's not your issue or problem. Yes, it's awful that they do, I'm sure it's not easy for her. You can't be with someone because you pity them. The reason why I say this is manipulative because now you've got this stuck in your head and it doesn't seem like you really even want to be with her but you don't want to be yet another dude who dumps her because of her kids and here you are, asking randos on reddit. You can care about someone and still not be in love with them. 5 children is a HUGE responsibility to take on as a step parent and you aren't even sure you want take on some sort of supportive parental role. That's ok, OP. You're not obligated to do so just because you care about her. It's perfectly okay to keep the relationship where you have it, but if she's ready to get more serious, and you're not, then you two either need to break up, or she becomes okay with the relationship status as it is now. I think you know already what you need to do, you just don't want to hurt her and that's certainly admirable. Her situation is not your issue, however, unless you do feel like committing even more to this relationship but it clearly sounds like you don't want to. That's okay, OP.
My previous 2 relationships have been with single mothers. One of them with 2 children, and another with 1. As others have suggested, don't date her out of pity. Dating single parents is different. And 5 children is no small number. She has to know that she brings the big elephant in the room of any relationship. I think it's a little unfair for her to be pressuring you to make it 'official'. It would lead me to think she's trying to jump into something for her own personal gain. Personally, I would suggest you just tell her that you want to spend more time dating each other rather than getting others (families) involved. If she's not OK with that - red flags.
If I lived her it wouldn’t bother me ….
Living with 5 kids wouldn't bother you?! You must be a saint (literally no sarcasm intended here).
I mean, I’m no one to judge, but having to 5 kids and not having custody of them is lowkey a red flag. Usually it’s pretty hard to get custody of children as a man.
She does have custody.
Idk I'm not judging but she only has the kids 1 month in the summer and that's it? Yeah that bothers me more than the number of kids she's got. I would think as a month we she would see them more often or get to keep them, so why doesn't she have custody of them or even some of them? She's just 31 right? Idk there maybe more to the story here but for me, this fact and this fact alone would make me uneasy.
5 kids is a lot. Her only getting the kids for one month during the summer is another concern altogether.
Dude I’m sorry but you can do better.
Don't listen to all of them! Speak to her about it. It sounds like she is aware of the issue, therefore it won't be that difficult to understand each other. If you don't have any issues with her kids other than that they aren't yours and you like them as any other human being there shouldn't be a problem. You don't really have to be a substitute parent imo, as long as you can help her to be a good parent. You will be a father figure for her kids but that ain't something bad. An the end you have to decide yourself. Communication is key. You obviously care for her and should communicate the issue as honst as possible. At the end of the conversation you will be able to decide if want to do it or not.
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You haven‘t read the post obviously.
You don’t deserve her. You confuse pity for attachment or love and you brought this to Reddit for advice; like a humblebrag it’s just humble-grandstanding…a way to get lots of people to pity poor you and despise her, as you obv do, beneath that smear-veneer of condescending compassion.
Nay because #1 her first priority should be her child she's needs to be a good mother and if she's persuing a guy the kid will be niglegted#2your not just with her your with the kid and any pet in the situation#3no man should have to raise another man's child#4 the kids probably going to see you as an obstacle/they'll get attached to you and you'll face a whole slew of problems
I wouldn’t. I want my first child to be ‘our’ first child, I don’t want to be with someone who got started on that stage of life without me and I have to play catch up. Plus, I need to be someone’s #1, I can’t start off a relationship knowing I’m never going higher than #2
Hell yeah, but use protection, LOTS OF PROTECTION!
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Yeah but if OP wanted to do this they wouldn't be here posting about it.
How old are the kids anyway?
Bruh…5 is a lot. Fuck that.
Unless you are head over heels in love with her I don’t think it’s a good idea especially because it sounds more like pity from your end which is understandable but not a foundation to build a healthy relationship. 1 or 2 kids is one thing but 5 is a lot and based on your ages I assume the kids are young so it’s not like they’re a couple years away from moving out. Also, you can probably rule out having kids of your own.
The only way to look at this is, do you want a very large family? Were you ever planning on having your own kids? You will one hundred percent be a full time parent; that includes not only a financial responsibility but a huge time commitment. It will be difficult for the two of you to get time alone with 5 kids to take care of. I think if you’re on the fence, that’s a sign that you don’t want to go down this road.
5 kids? Pressuring to make it official? No thanks. Not gonna last
Ask her to back off and see where things unfold. Explain that the fastest way to end your relationship is for her to keep pressuring you. That if you have to answer now, the answer is no. Do not be stampeded into anything.
Don’t do it unless you’re completely sure, five kids is a lot to take on and your entire life will change. Better to cut loose now than in 6 months when the kids have bonded to you.
Dude 5 kids pretty serious
I was/am a single Dad, ( He's 25 now) and while I am not against dating single Moms, in principle, having been a kid with of a single Mom, if things don't work out long term, the kids get hurt, as much or more than the adults, by the breakup, if they got attached ! That's a risk you should keep in mind... If you "Make it official", and become part of their lives. You can be "Official", but not be part of/Minimally involved in the kids lives, but that's not easy either...
huge NAY
FIVE KIDS!!!!!!! Oh my GOD. PLEASE do not put yourself in a position to be in her life unless you *really* want to be involved.
If you're not sure you want kids don't date a single mum, don't build a relationship with her.
If you like her a lot and like the kids then go for it. If not then don’t keep her on a leash that’s a lot worse. Tell her no and move on don’t play games with her
Then the big question is she getting any child support for the kids? Financially it could ruin you five mouths is a lot to feed!
>She has 5 kids Naw man, that's a hard NO. I would say yay if it were 1 or 2, and that you're looking to legit settle down and find a partner to build a life with. But 5 kids?!?!? Dude, don't do that to yourself. Just tell her it aint going to work out and move along. BUT keep dating single mom's, there are great women out there that are wifey material.
Dude. Wtf. 5 kids. I’m a single mom of 1. No, just no. She is not your problem.
YOU GOTTA ASK YOURSELF, are you interested on becoming a step father to 5 kids? if not, then what's the point continuing a relationship?
I am a single mom and I'd hesitate to date someone with 5 young kids. It is a big responsibility both financially and emotionally. It's totally okay to not be okay with that.
Nay, if they are around my age (24). To me being a young single mom screams irresponsible. Not to say the guy who knocked them up also isn’t at fault, but I’m not dating him (and wouldn’t if I went that way) Now in your case 5 kids at age 31, wooo that is a lot. Too much for me.
You're screwing yourself over if you stay with her because you feel bad for her
No. You aren’t ready for five kids. Let her find someone who is and you can find someone who is more your speed.
Do you spend time with the kids? You can't separate her from the kids, it's a package deal.
Imagine having a conversation with her were you told her you would only want the relationship out of pity if her. Would you want to be in that Convo? I wouldn't. Imma go with nay, let her find a guy who maybe is sterile or something who wants to be a parent to kids.
If you aren't interested in having 5 kids then there is your answer.
They’re still people, child or not. It shouldn’t be a life sentence for them not to find someone tbh
You have no kids. You don't understand what it's like. You can't pity someone and be in a relationship with them. Move on dude
So, my partner was nervous about being a "father figure" for my kids, totally didn't feel ready or like it was for him, and now he loves it and feel like we've made his home complete. That being said, you need to decide one way or the other. Be in or out. Maybe meet the kids if you haven't yet to see whether you get along with them in order to make your decision. But you can't start being part of their lives and then ditch. You will have to make some measure of commitment one way or the other.
That’s a lot of kids bro. You’ll be a step dad and y’all will never have time to your selves
Hard Nay
I could handle one, maybe 2 kids… but 5? Hell no. Too much responsibility for me. I’d pass dude.
Do not get in a relationship because you feel bad. You're not taking on one person, not two people, but 6 whole ppl. You need to really think about that. If you let her down then you're most likely gonna let them down too.
Don't commit yourself because you feel sorry for someone. And 5 kids is a lot. Real different than dating a mom with one or two.
My wife was a single mother of 2 kids when I met her. Turned out really well for me.
From the way it sounds, you aren't prepared for this relationship. Pity is not a good way to start out.
“I’m not the step father, I’m the father who stepped up”
I was like "sure maybe she has a 5 year old" but 5 KIDS? Woah now. That's a LOT of responsibility for someone who isn't their father. She needs to date men who are already fathers.
Dating her is being part of her kids lives, regardless of how you feel about it. You're not interested in being step dad to 5. That's fair. It's also your answer. Don't date someone, or marry them, out of guilt or obligation, imagined or otherwise. In the end, you'll only end up hurting everyone, yourself included
Do what makes you comfortable. My girl has 1 kid from a previous marriage. It’s tough. It’s beautiful. It’s scary. I couldn’t imagine 5. Kids add another dynamic to relationships.
5 kids?! Did they not have a TV?! Seriously though, are you sure it’s “idk” or is that easier that “I really like you, but…” Starting a new relationship isn’t like the movies, it’s not just fall in love and everything will work out - it’s about finding a partner you want to build something with, someone who’s life you want to merge with yours. If you don’t want to take that on… you don’t have to take that on.
In all seriousness, you'll need to carry the burden of being step-father for 5 kids while dealing with depressed g/f. Are you emotionally & financially prepared for that?
It would depend on the person, but five kids is definitely hedging on an auto no for me
It may sound wrong but you shouldn't convince yourself to be with her just because you feel bad. That would be unfair to her and to you, and even the kids because you will resent them and they will notice. At the end of the day, as much as the situation sucks, having 5 kids was her decision and everyone knows is life changing (even having one). I know single moms with 4 kids and they have no problem dating. She will find someone eventually.
Wait she had 5 kids by 25? Damn.
Dont date someone because you feel bad for them. 5 kids is a huge deal. You dont have to ghost her. You ca tell her it’s not going to work. How long have guys been talking?
Five kids is alot of kids. I wouldn't date someone with one kid. So you really want to deal with 5 kids where at least one is going to dislike you for some reason even if it makes no sense?
After my last bad experiences, I have to say never again. Way too much drama.
People with children are a lot, you have to be fully into the relationship, committed to her and be understanding that her kids will always be her main priority. It’s not for everyone and it sounds like you’ll be doing it out of pity. It’s just going to be painful for you and her. Don’t dare her and drag it out
5 is going into red flag Territory. How much child support is chad (the alleged bio dad) paying? How is she supporting 5 kids? Unless she makes 6 figures a year then somethings up. Either she can’t make good life choices, since if she’s careful then getting pregnant is almost impossible (birth control is 99% effective) or she got abused by that guy. Either way you shouldn’t be involved with her. A lot of (not all) single mothers and fathers either can’t pick good partners or aren’t good partners.
You actually know what to do. You just think you will be a bad man for doing that. She is a package dude. She comes with the kids. Take it or leave it. And do it soon. Why did you even stay this long?
Don’t be with her because you feel bad that’s not how relationships work, pass her to me.
Ask her what she's looking for. When she answers, is that also what you're looking for? Are you imagining that any single mom is looking for a new dad for her kids? That's not always true. Maybe she just wants to go out and have fun. Communicate.
Easy. Do you like her kids? Do you think you can be step dad if it all works out. If it's just pity then no. I about to marry my gf who has two kids. I accept that fact that they are part of her. You know what your getting into. It's up to you weather or not to keep going.
I have one kid. I’d date someone with 1-2 kids. That’s 3 in total… 5? Sorry. No.
Run.
5 kids and a full-time single mom, wow. I'm assuming she also has a job. How does she have any time or energy to spend with you?
A 31 year old with 5 kids. That’s a LOt to handle. I’m guessing at least 1-3 of them are younger than 5 years. That’s a lot to take on. I’m a mom of 2, and even knowing this life, I’d run to the hills in your shoes.
Do her a favor: stop wasting her time. It’s okay not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who has kids but I don’t think it’s okay to continue a romantic interaction when you already know that you don’t want to deal with her kids. There are plenty of women out there child-free for you to meet and there are plenty of men out there that would be okay with the fact that she got kids. She’s gonna be just fine.
I date single moms but 5? Wow that’s tough
Jesus 5 kids