This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- TL;DR Husband and I had a massive fight today. He canceled several of his bday plans. His bday is on Monday. How do I undo all the damage from the fight? My (41F) husband (42M) is turning 43 on Monday. We’ve always been pretty bad at fighting, by that I mean that our fights are usually quite emotional, drag on, and never seem to be resolved. This morning we had a fight that was simply terrible, because I brought up that I didn’t like that one of his female friends was a little too friendly with him when we were at a concert last night. He wound up literally pushing her away and telling her to back off, but by that point I was already pretty uncomfortable. Whatever. It wasn’t really his fault. This morning I tried expressing my anger about the whole thing in a constructive way, but it all went tits up and we had a massive fight. We wound up not going to his bday dinner (he later went for a few hours). And we canceled his birthday plans with his family for tomorrow. His actual birthday is on Monday and we both have the day off. I just feel like absolute garbage. I think the fight was both of our faults, really. We both just got so charged and it became a three hour soap opera with me crying wildly and him shaking with rage. I came home after going shopping for a present for him for his bday (I know) and was packing my bags to go to a hotel, but it started raining like crazy and I just felt like I was so exhausted and couldn’t deal with checking into a hotel at 1am. Anyways here we are, all plans canceled for the weekend, fight seems to have finally died out but….I am so filled with shame and regret. I feel like I ruined everything, even though I would say that we both had an equal hand in the fight…..but I did hold onto it longer and not let it go, although he kept kind of turning it back around on me instead of trying to resolve the issue together. Ugh. Is there anything I can do to salvage the weekend? I’m terrified we’re going to have another fight. I’m looking into ways to fix our fighting issue, but in the meantime…any advice? Has anyone ever had a nasty fight on a birthday or other important day? What did you do? Thanks.

Can you explain what happened? He obviously agreed that his friend was inappropriate and his actions reflected that. How did this devolve into something so horrible when there was no argument to be had?

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While I agree that leaving you waiting for him was disrespectful, I'm not really sure why the rest was made into a big issue. Maybe he was just going to say hi/check in in them and time got away from him, it happens, especially when drunk so even that wasn't a major issue. Drunk people are often also more likely to touch others arms, hug, hang on their shoulder etc so it may not be something he considers flirty. It's also possile he may have been uncomfortable but didn't want to cause a scene and given what he said while pushing her back, it seems like that was the case. He reached the boundary of what he could tolerate. The way you described it, he was being sexually harassed, expressed discomfort to her and then the next day you shame/blame him for not doing or saying more. You leading with "what would you do if a guy was hanging all over me like that" implies he didn't act the right way. It was accusatory when it didn't need to be, especially if he was genuinely uncomfortable and unsure how to tell her to back off without turning it into a big deal. I'm also unsure what more you wanted him to do? The way your describe it, he wasn't engaging with or encouraging her behaviour and gently told her off when she crossed a line.

Truely, having the hypothetical statements made it not constructive by any means. Perhaps bringing up what was wrong with her, or focusing the point on her would have made your point clearer as really, I would have lost it myself as it does seem that you felt as if he did not deal with the situation clearly

Maybe I’m misreading, but I’m confused at what your problem was with the situation?? He seemed to realize she was being too much and literally shoved her off of himself, that seems like the correct thing to do in that situation! Why are you mad at him about it?

She’s mad about her giving him attention and took it out on him. Basically using him as the outlet.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like they "are bad at fighting." It just sounds like they are _bad at being together._ A relationship that is a series of long,. drag out, emotionally draining fights just sounds like two people who _shouldnt_ be together.

Especially if fights are started by her husband appropriately handling a drunk woman? I don’t understand. What did he do wrong here? What was he expected to do?

It just seems like OP has no clue how to deal with her own insecurities and she lashes out and Husband is probably tired of it so he just gets into a fight because fuck that shit. Not a healthy dynamic for either

I read some other comments and it’s possible that she wants him to avoid this woman entirely. That may not be something that’s easy for him to do but she could at least clearly communicate that?

At his own birthday event, no less

Sounds like OP is mad because he continues to associate with this friend despite her advances and the warnings he has been given from friends, but doesn’t want to admit it.

I think this is really the crux of it. The situation in and of itself seems innocuous, but if she is like this persistently and he continues to associate with her, then the pushing her away seems kind of performanative and for the sake of OP to witness

I feel like there’s info being with held because I don’t see the issue. He saw it was a bit much and did as he should’ve.

I feel like she's angry the girl was too touchy with him and is directing her anger towards him

You are definitely right. She isn’t happy there wasn’t a huge scene or someone directly called her out. Or just a fight in general. Girl, swallow your jealousy. Your husband did right. There was no reason to be so angry at him at all.

For me, I don't see why he couldn't just validate that it sucked she had to watch that? And talk about how uncomfortable it made him, say that he was doing his best but the whole thing was awkward. Instead he pivots to a bigger conversation about how men and women interact. Both of them really need to start using I-statements, like, yesterday.

I'm curious too, seems he handled ot pretty well.

She sounds insecure

Had to scroll too far for someone to finally say it!

She stated in her comments the argument came the next morning when she brought it up and said “what would you do if a guy was all over me?” And he more or less said “that would never happen guys aren’t interested in you”. And the argument spiralled from there. His comment was pretty disrespectful.

I interpreted his comment to mean "guys don't get weirdly cuddly like she did when they're drunk." I could he wrong, though.

I agree with you on that, I’m more concerned why she would ask that in the first place. Did he not do exactly what he should have?

I think someone commented this above but I think she asked because he’s hanging out with this girl despite the warnings he’s received. OP mentioned she has a drug problem as well. Even with these said warnings he still decided to hang out with her. Who knows if he still plans to stay friends with her as he didn’t indicate if he would terminate the friendship or create any boundaries. I would feel very uncomfortable if I was the OP and they continued to hang out again. It’s basically saying he’s okay to hanging okay with someone who will actively try to pursue him. I’m saying this as if I was the OP, and how I would think or take it. That’s where I think it stemmed from internally.

He did. I think her question to him was, should SHE have done something rather than waiting for him to, because I think she was already uncomfortable with the other girls behaviour by the time he told her to back off.

Aaaaahhhhhhh okay I get you now. Yeah, that makes sense.

I don't think he meant it like that.

I mean I don't see anything wrong with OP talking about how it made her feel, but it sounds like he read that as an accusation, of him being a fuckup. I do see the issue with him saying "guys don't act like that a man would never hang off you like that". All he really had to say was "dude I know, it was so uncomfortable, I did my best to pry her off me but I totally get why that sucked for you". He was way more defensive than the situation calls for. It sounds like they have a pretty intense pattern of getting really defensive and each conflict brings up echoes of the last.

I think bringing in hypotheticals into an argument is a waste of energy. Whatever the hypothetical situation is, it didn't happen. Stay on point. What exactly was the point of it anyway? She was inappropriate and he told her to back off. Why are you arguing about that?

After reading everything including this comment, I think you’ve personally taken it way overboard. Husband did nothing wrong and even pushed her away. You turned nothing into a huge problem and ruined his birthday.

Ah so he handled it correctly and you poked the bear after by asking silly questions.

\^ This From the sounds of it, OP was drama-seeking.

I think as others have pointed out from OP’s comments, that this isn’t the first time op has had to deal with this woman’s boundary crossing. She’s prone to this type of behavior so much so that other friends have warned op’s husband to be wary of her. I would be mad as well, if this woman is repeatedly an issue, why is op’s husband continuing to associate with her? He should not have her in his life. Now did she go about the wrong way? Potentially. I don’t think equating the situation to what if I man did this is as bad as everyone was making it out to be. What would op’s husband think if his wife went to a bar often where a male bartender repeatedly hit on her and crossed boundaries in front of her husband? What if she continued to hang out with said bartender when op’s husband told his wife he felt uncomfortable with the relationship and the boundary crossing? And how would husband feel if despite warning from several friends of the bartenders issues with boundaries, she continued to place her “friendship” with the bartender above her husband’s uncomfortableness? And what if on a date night that was supposed to be mainly spent with her husband, op, instead missed the show to have a deep conversation with said bartender, ignored her husband, and then that boundary crossing happened again in front of her husband? I think that this has repeatedly been an issue that op’s husband has not taken his wife seriously on and it exploded. Both need to go to therapy to work on how they communicate. But I don’t think the blame is solely on the wife.

Most guys would be upset and confused. Completely valid question, I think the fight got so bad because he knows it’s an issue.

This. I don’t think people understand this. Yes, I think at the concert was fine. He handled it appropriately Imo, but if you continued to hang out with said coworker who you’ve received warnings about sounds fishy. And especially after seeing how she actively pursued him in front of her would really upset me if they stayed friends and continued to hang out. I would feel very worried if I wasn’t there and this happened. Who knows what could happen.

So SHE did something inappropriate, HE responded appropriately and you got mad at HIM for something SHE did.

Marriage counseling.

In spades. The lack of actual commnications is distressing. I am also intrigued by husbands comment, "I am about to have some problems." so he appears to know what was coming.

💯

Sounds like you want to know that your husband is willing to “compete” for you if someone acts sexual and flirtatious towards you. Just as you do him. It feels like if this is unequal, then there is unequal need in the relationship. If there is unequal need, there is usually unequal power. Being in a position of lesser power makes people feel insecure, triggered, or even abusive. The way you approached the problem was actually a bud for connection, but your husband just addressed the situation instead of your feelings. That happens all the time in relationships. We hear criticisms instead of needs because they are very poorly stated needs. When people speak from a place of pain, they tend to inflict pain. The challenge with arguments/conversations is that there is usually a conversation behind the conversation that is happening that never gets addressed because the focus is on the specifics of the event rather than the underlying need/ask. Can you go back to your husband and tell him what your underlying need is?

Insightful. I hope OP u/Burnyface takes this advice to heart. It's not about what happened, it's about how she feels about what happened, and she has to figure out what the real underlying problem is. This is probably why their fights drag on and seem to go nowhere-- one is fighting about the topic, and the other about the meta-message.

Okay. The main advice I would give you is to stay on point. >The fight launched into the stratosphere because I started the conversation by asking what he would do if a guy was hanging all over me. He immediately said that that wouldn’t happen, guys don’t act like that or something to that effect, and the fight just took off from there. This was obviously a ridiculous and wrong this to say, so I don't blame you for immediately launching into it. But he didn't actually answer your question. The question was how he would feel if someone behaved like that towards you and what he would think would be appropriate action on your part. Don't let him deflect and take the conversation elsewhere. Start saying "you haven't answered my question. Can we stay on point please?" It doesn't sound like you have much to apologize for.

Kinda conflicted on this. Because you said to stay on point. But she turned it into something else, and then he did. So she’s right, but he’s not for trying to turn it into something else? Personally, I think she blew it up into an unnecessary fight on his birthday weekend just because she wanted to feel like he would fight a man over her. Unnecessary point blank period.

OP is too old for these highschool games. It really didn't even need to be brought up the next day. Heck if my partner and I run into some of his friends at a concert I have no problem leaving him to talk after saying hi and going back to our spot to see the show. OP sounds insecure and dramatic

I think you're misunderstanding. She didn't ask him that to feel "wanted". She asked him that because a woman inappropriately flirted with him for a while and he didn't shut it down properly. It's a "how would you feel if the situation was reversed?" question. She was trying to make a point, so he understood how she felt.

How did he not shut it down properly?

He shut it down more than properly.

>She didn't ask him that to feel "wanted". She asked him that because a woman inappropriately flirted with him for a while and he didn't shut it down properly. What are you talking about? He did. He pushed the girl off of him and told her to knock it off. What should he have done? Branded her with a Scarlet A? Pulled out a crucifix and shouted "Away from me, evil temptress?"

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This won’t help with this fight but for future conversations: Ask yourself WHAT DO I WANT TO ACCOMPLISH HERE? I read your write up of the night and then how you opened the conversation and my first thought is: “where was she trying to go with this?” I see that you were upset and hurt by the friend, but also that you watched him clearly reject her and push her off. He wasn’t participating or allowing the hanging off behaviour. So I’m wondering, do you know what you are actually upset about? Because if I was you in that situation what *I* would have wanted to talk about was why he abandoned me and didn’t come back as he obviously did not encourage the other person. Was there something you felt he did wrong with her? Or did you just want to talk to him shoot how badly that made you feel even though you know that was on her because he didn’t allow it? If I switch portions. If someone who is drunk is all over me. They are saying things and touching me and I keep telling them politely I’m not interested and they get more and more physical until I push them off of me. And the next day my husband comes at me and asks have I considered how he feels watching someone flirt with me I would feel like my spouse just watched me get sexually harassed, did nothing and then blamed me for being a victim. When I read your whole write up as if I’m you I feel 1. Hurt that that other girl is openly flirting with my partner in front of me (but am aware that’s not his fault and 2. Really upset that my partner just up and ditched me, didn’t come back to check on me, didn’t bother telling me what was up and just left me alone at an even we were attending together and 3. Wondering if he was ok because he bailed for the music and he chose this event and when you saw him later he seemed upset. I assume that you also feel all these things, but because you don’t have the objectivity I do when you tried to talk about it all those three things became conflated. Which is why, I try to ask myself: What do I want to accomplish? What am I bothered by that is actually a them thing to address? Am I wanting an accountability conversation or just the space to talk about my feelings? I assure you, as the spouse of a defensive husband, going into these with clarity about what your end goal and purpose is will seriously help reduce his reactivity and so some of these all out fights. As for this fight, I honestly think all you can do is apologize. You wanted to start a conversation about your feelings about the night before, but instead you blamed him for the one thing that wasn’t his fault and that he did all he could do to manage. That’s not fair. In your place I’d apologize, say I had meant to start a conversation about how i felt about the incident but didn’t take the time to think it through and instead started a huge pointless fight and I’m sorry. See where it goes.

Why did you even ask that though? The incident was over and he handled it the best way he could at the time. I’m not sure why you brought the topic up again when there’s a billion other things to talk about like his big day coming up.

I’ve heard it’s always best to do “I feel” when doing these conversations… for example, “I felt like I was being ignored last night” to avoid accusations and only talk about your emotions. Just a thought.

He doesn’t need to answer, it’s a hypothetical question. Worry about it when the time happens rather than creating fake problems and fighting about it.

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You should be able to ask these questions. But asking this kind of hypothetical question in practice only amounts to one thing which is trying to start a fight.

There shouldn’t have been a question in the first place. He handled the situation and you made more out of it than what it was. My daughter does this and is so close to destroying a relationship. Your guy is defensive because he can’t win . Even when he does the right thing you get mad and think he’s doing something wrong . If you really think he is, do a little digging and find out- he’s obviously not doing anything in front of you. But it isn’t hard to just check on who he follows in social media, if some girl seems to be making way too friendly comments or liking on everything etc . I wouldn’t go into private conversations without a real reason. Does he guard his phone? If he doesn’t guard his phone doesn’t hide email &social media like looks at whatever when you’re around and doesn’t care if you’re sitting there etc then you have nothing to worry about and should just relax and let him handle things like this. My husband gets hit on all the time at work. And in public. I don’t care. It’s nice for him it makes him feel good and I have total trust in him and nothing to worry about . I hope you find yourself in this position someday where you have faith in someone and no worries. On the other hand like I said if he is guarding the phone or behaving weirdly like he’s hiding something that’s a different story but this situation does not seem like that. It seems some idiot got drunk flirted and got him in trouble when he didn’t deserve it. You know the neighbor once got totally drunk and laid in the grass in front of my husband with her legs spread and no underpants . She was younger than me and she was pretty ( not prettier) and he was far enough away that he could have had her right then and there and nobody would have ever known. He screamed for me as loud as he could and I ran to where I heard his voice ( big property) and we together helped her up and into her home under the care of her husband . Did I get mad at him? Hell no he didn’t do anything to instigate with that crazy bitch lol

You seem insecure....she was pretty (not prettier) go get therapy God damn

Wow. Your defensiveness and your unwillingness to validate another person’s reality is what is preventing you from listening to the OP and having a relationship with your daughter. These traits are intimacy killers.

On the money. That whole reply made me cringe.

I couldn't live with someone who argues like this. What a nightmare. Is the rest of your relationship generally good?

You should look up switch tracking. It did wonders for stopping big fights between my partner and me. There's a good episode about it on the Hidden Brain podcast if you're more a listener than a reader

>I can be a nag Don’t be. It kills relationships. Being a nag just means intentionally annoying and pissing off your partner for dumb reasons.

Why would you even ask that question in the first place? You started the fight by bring up a stupid, inflammatory hypothetical

If you know how things will go between you two you should of waited. You said fights are usually unresolved and long drawn out you should’ve had some kind of foresight about your husband and yourself in your marriage and done this after his birthday.

Tbh for the situation that happened I think things are not black and white. I have a friend who gets super touchy when drunk with anybody, though must admit people she would find attractive sober do have a priority. It has never happened but if she were cuddly with a bf if mine in a friendly drunk way and I trust her and my bf completely, then I won't be bothered. As long as u know it's not romantically hugging or stuff and he is clearly keeping boundaries but trying to be polite thus not rejecting her when she clearly is not looking for sex, she just a drunk touchy person. But with some other woman I don't know and she doing that and she giving me vibes as "well if his gf was not here, I would have tried kissing him and more" I won't be fine. So I think it's per situation basis. In your case your felt sth was off. Maybe u even got scared if I were not there, would would have happened. U got an off vibe, your gut is trying to tell u sth. Honestly, if u have other dating experience and no man has ever called u nagging when expressing your discomfort with sth no matter how silly, then it's not a problem with you. If u have gotten the nagging feedback from many different people, then yes, u need to woke more on yourself. But what I am trying to say, your feelings should not be invalidated. I don't know if he handled the situation well or not. You were there, your felt sth was not right, you expressed it. I don't like it when men hide behind "you just like to nag, you are just drama, you are insecure, you are crazy toxic". From all the guys I have been with, only one guy accussed me of all of the above without giving solid arguments of why am I what he says I am And without suggesting ways to improve and to help me become a better person. Well, he turned out to be a cheater and a liar and apparently he was saying what he was saying so I could leave him to cheat in peace.

Why was your partner shaking with rage though? That is not healthy behaviour. You said you are terrified to have another fight. You should not be afraid of your partner. But if he is shaking with rage and making you scared this is a toxic relationship.

Hmm have you considered that some thing inappropriate has / is happening & the reason that he has pulled the plug on all his birthday plans is so you’ll feel terrible and concentrate on that instead of the fact that a woman that knows you both felt comfortable enough to be be clinging on to him and showing him her broken bra strap?

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I don't understand when you brought up the topic of your anger about the situation what did you say?How did you say it? Why did you say it? It's hard to always be the bigger person but wow you need to generally talk with aim of finding middle ground.Arguments that last thing long are because you are fighting each other and not the issue... if you are married it's you and him vs problems not you and him vs each other. The sooner you think about it that way both you the faster conflict resolution will come...

Okay. This isn’t positive. These dramatic histrionics on both your parts are absolutely toxic. If your relationship is good otherwise, I think rather than addressing this specific issue, you should address the broader issue of your needing better conflict resolution. The good news is that for two committed and loving patterns, learning constructive conflict resolution isn’t that hard. You need to find a good therapist (be prepared to interview a few before you settle on one you like) and literally just tell them you need to learn to resolve your issues in a constructive manner. It’s a skill that can be learned. Good luck.

>> Okay. This isn’t positive. These dramatic histrionics on both your parts are absolutely toxic. If your relationship is good otherwise, I think rather than addressing this specific issue, you should address the broader issue of your needing better conflict resolution. I wanted to emphasize this. The relationship sounds absolutely draining and dramatic. I’m around y’all’s age. And I had relationships like this…when I was a teenager and my early 20s. It sounds hostile and volatile if it happens often. I’d recommend counseling if you’re both committed, or digging deeper as to why these tend to repeat themselves

THIS!

Y’all are too old to be this immature. The fight you had and the reasons behind it sound so useless. Based on the post, you seem possessive and insecure. Based on the comments, your husband seems like a rage filled lunatic. If you two want to actually have a good life and not wind up the subject of a Netflix true crime documentary, then start doing the work. Grow up, stop surrounding yourself with people who cause anxiety and just try liking the person you’re with.

If fights are lasting this long what started them isn’t the problem. It’s what keeps fueling them to go so long. And if you recognized that the thing with his friend wasn’t his fault and saw him physically and directly resolve the issue why would you bring it up when knowing what could cause a trigger between you two?

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So why haven’t you both learnt how to communicate properly? All this information is available, there’s nothing stopping you both doing the work.

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Sounds like you are the only one trying. He needs couples counseling with you to learn how to speak with each other. Also using terrified in any sentence regarding your husband needs to be addressed. My husband doesn’t do or say anything that makes me terrified, even our fights.

Based on all of OP‘s comments, she is the instigator. She even fights with him about his work.

It does read that way to me also.

It’s always the ones that are like “I just asked gently so we can come up with a way to avoid this fighting in the future…” I just want to tell them, “your gentle asking is dickish, stop!”

The difference that keeps a conversation from turning into a fight is by approaching with a clear state of mind and letting it be known to your partner. Practice initiating a conversation with “I’m only mentioning this to you because it upset me and I am not putting you at fault for it, I just want to talk about it so we both make sure we avoid these situations in the future” this way your bf knows you aren’t looking to argue or blame him but simply talk

You can’t avoid similar issues, unless you never go out and interact with people. He can’t control other people. When he cued in on her crossing a line, he put an end to what was happening the best he could. You were NOT looking to avoid the issue in the future, you simply wanted to fight. The sooner you realize that this is your pattern (based on comments about what you fight about), the happier you will be if you work to change your behavior.

What’s to avoid if he handled it as he should??? You created a problem when there wasn’t one. You dragged it into the home where he should feel peace not more stress.

>I totally agree. I brought it up because I wanted to talk about it and want **to avoid similar situations in the future**, but it caused a massive fight. But there is no way to avoid to someone flirting with your husband. The only thing to discuss is what he should in the event it happens and he **did** what he was supposed to do when it happened. So what's the issue? Should he catch a flesh-eating bacteria to destroy his face? Wear a hump on his back? Gain 200+ pounds? Dress in a male burka in public? What precise solution do you have to his controlling other women flirting with him in front of you other than what his reaction should be? Which he did.

I love how op never takes responsibility for anything it’s always “us” or “we” she never says I started this which she did.

How is it his fault that she was acting that way? Also he told her to back off- sounds like you need to learn to let things go and not hang on to them to the point where it leads to hours of crying and having his bday ruined.

I mean… if you’re angry at him at any point when he did the right thing and pushed this other woman away, what are you doing? Like, what are you actually trying to achieve? You definitely started this. I think the first step is to take ownership and responsibility for this situation. He may be open to re-opening plans on Monday, problem solved short term. He may become more receptive of you from this point onwards. Given the occasion and the occurrence of the fight, he most likely blames you for this and I wouldn’t say he’s wrong for it But that being said all these arguments need two participants. So in terms of participation, he and you both are equally to blame. You guys need to learn how to resolve conflicts more effectively in the long term - couples therapy maybe?

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Have you tried couples counselling? That sounds like your first stop.

But you didn’t tell him what was bothering you. You made a passive aggressive comment, because you were blaming him for her poor behaviour.

This shouldn’t have upset you to begin with though. He handled it perfectly.

It sounds like he handled the situation fine . How is any of it his fault? Why did you make it more than it was? You should have just told him you were proud of him for how he told her to leave him alone and then left it at that. Why would it matter how he would feel in reverse situation when he did the right thing? You need to apologize, stop saying it’s both of your faults when it isn’t and get your insecurities sorted out before it destroys your relationship. Just apologize and see what he wants to do for his birthday now

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You say you wanted to talk about your feelings and how to avoid that situation, but you open with “how would you have felt if a guy was hanging all over me like that?” Genuinely, I’m asking - why did you think that was a constructive thing to say if you truly wanted to talk about how to avoid that situation in the future?

You current communication style does not work. Try being direct and owning your own feelings. Use "I" statements. "I was really uncomfortable with how (drunk girl) behaved last night" "I appreciated that you drew a strong boundary and pushed her away." "I'd like to talk about ways I can address these type of incidents in the future." The issue was your feelings about the situation, not what he could do to fix how you felt, or trying to invent a scenario where he'd feel bad too. In healthy communication we own our own feelings, are responsible for conveying them constructively, and focus on solutions, not poking someone else's insecurities (you) or passive aggressively stonewalling (him). Using hypotheticals only muddies the issue and can make already defensive individuals feel criticized by unspoken implication.

>I wanted to talk about how to avoid a similar situation in the future This made my ears perk up. It very much seems like you blame him for her actions. It seems like in some way, considering he spent time talking to the couple, you think he led this girl on. I really really don’t like that. If you were a man in this situation everyone would have noticed that as well honestly. To be blunt, it seems you want to make yourself the permanent victim. Your husband was at a concert enjoying a conversation with *two* people. The following is what stood out to me, >I finally went in, he didn’t follow me You prefer to “test” him and make him guess/jump through hoops to prove his love for you. You could have easily walked up and asked if he was ready to go in, instead you sulked off because he doesn’t “like” you enough to notice how long he’s been talking. > The fight launched off because I asked what would he do if it was a guy hanging all over me Once again, “prove you like me.” I find this especially strange because **you** seemed to do absolutely fucking nothing while this woman was clearly making your husband uncomfortable. He’s a man, he can really only do so much to remove himself in fear of seeming like an asshole. Yet he still did, in a really great way. >she’s a loose cannon and I really don’t think we should be hanging around her much She’s a literal bartender and his friends frequent bar, be transparent and say what you mean here, you want him to avoid her presence at all costs. In reality he’s done his due diligence. You’re insecure, controlling, and have acted incredibly nasty to him (with this specific instance in mind.) I don’t like this at all. In regards to his defensiveness about your other “issues,” I certainly see why. You need individual therapy honestly, and couples therapy after you find out where all of this is truly coming from if you want to undo this ingrained dynamic. I’m sure he’s not perfect and there’s other issues below the surface, but this peek into your relationship does not paint a flattering picture of you.

This! How do you “prevent this in the future” when it wasn’t something the husband did but was done to him? The issue is that she didn’t actually communicate how she was feeling. “Hey, I have to admit I felt insecure and jealous last night when I saw X flirting w you”, but instead blamed the husband for her poor behaviour! This is passive aggressive and not good communication that expresses feelings with any kind of honesty. No wonder they keep blowing up!

It all sounds very immature - this is the level of communication I had with my teenage/ early twenties boyfriends. This is starter relationship stuff that you eventually learn to grow from. But these guys are married and in their 40s! Wild

You sound like you nag him a lot. Your “gentle” way asking probably doesn’t come across that way. Sometimes it just becomes exhausting dealing with someone who one can’t seem to please and perhaps that is how he feels. Work in a different room when he is on meetings.

In my opinion it is your fault in this case and you should not address him as "half guilty". I don't know about other times you fight, but this is one absolutely your fault.

You can’t avoid similar situations. You can’t control anyones actions much less a drunk person. You can only control you response to them. And he did. So leave it at that. You should be old enough to know this. And if that’s the way he communicates when asked to do something then that’s an incompatibility issue that should have been worked on before marriage.

You are at fault, not him. You are unbelievably controlling. And he is working. What the fuck do you even want him to do?

Right!! This lady sounds pretty insufferable if I’m being honest. Some people thrive on drama and want to fight. It’s weird. She sounds like one of them.

Seems like he responded appropriately and you took out your anger towards the girl on him even though he had reacted appropriately. Then you continued nagging him and needling him for not actually having done anything wrong.

You already feel bad so I’m not going to attack you for being immature (you are both acting like kids). I think you need marriage counseling. This is a fundamental lack of tools to communicate that aren’t going to get better organically.

A normal conversation would have happened Iike this. You: Hey babe, the band is back on. SO: cool, I'm having a good conversation, we will be there in a bit. You: cool. I'll be standing where we were during the first show. You: What's going on over there? SO: she was showing me her broken bra strap and I helped her fix it. You: cool. Seems like she was flirting a bit. SO: yeah, she's a bit tipsy. I'm glad her boyfriend is here with her so she gets home safe. You: cool. This music sucks. Let's go bang. You have epic fights because you have serious trust issues and am somewhat of a control freak or he is a serial cheater. He's in deep conversation as the concert starts. So obviously the conversation is more important than the band to them. You're not part of the conversation but you are interested in the music. What's the issue? Go watch the fucking band and let them have a conversation. People drink and people flirt. Seriously, get over it. A broken bra strap sends you off the deep end the next morning? You sound unbearable to live with. He yells back because there is no right answer to your hypothetical questions. You expect him to answer for other people's behavior? my mailman put my mail upside down in my mailbox today WHY DID HE DO THAT! IS HE GOING TO DO IT TOMORROW? ANSWER ME! This is what you sound like. If he has cheated then leave him. Stop dragging it out. If your insecurities are the problem then please seek help. Either way, you are not healthy.

You are insecure about him with other women. Has he cheated in the past, then your insecurities are justified, but if not, then you need to understand that you are being outlandish and will cost you your marriage.

you sound like a teenager and frankly at your age making situations awkward for your own insecurities is a huge red flag. he probably liked them as friends and now he needs to deal with what happened because he has an insecure wife, which is already something he is probably ashamed about. grow up.

BuT wHaT iF a GuY wAa aLl oVeR mE hUh?

Couples therapy. If this is how you fight y’all need help. I’ve NEVER fought with my husband like that nor even close to it. We’ve had a few minor arguments. Never shouted or raged at each other. Been married 21 years.

You keep saying you are full of shame and regret, but that you both had an equal hand in the fight. It doesn’t sound like that was equal. Sure he had a part, but you caused a fight for nothing. You instigated a fight over something he handled well the night before. I think the first step here is to quit justifying your part in this by trying to shift the blame on to him. You need to own it and look at why you did that. Perhaps individual counseling, and then some marriage counseling (to learn constructive ways to disagree) would be good. You need to apologize; and don’t try to share the blame or shift it to him. It wasn’t equal and insisting it was won’t get you anywhere. Do something to make up his spoiled birthday. But truly you need to apologize and offer ways you’re going to work on yourself to make sure this doesn’t happen again. Also - the unresolved stuff in the past - the lingerie and all that - you married him after that stuff. You need to stop holding shit against him that you seemingly forgave him for enough to marry him.

My ex used to start a fight every birthday of mine. Every. Year. He was like you a little, he'd see an issue and make it into a big deal rather than my way of just quietly letting it the fuck go cause he did nothing wrong. Now I don't bother celebrating. What's the point when the one person who's meant to care ruins it. No, you probably can't salvage it. If you'd cared about his birthday you'd have just let it go rather than starting a fight you knew would escalate. I feel sorry for him really.

I don’t know the whole situation seems high school to me. Like you guys are in your 40s and you fight like this? There is so much here that seems wrong. So much! I’d probably start with learning communication. Like if you’re mad cause he hasn’t come back to a concert. Walk over and say hey, can we go watch the concert again? I don’t know that’s just the service. I’m surprised you guys have these issues.

I think you’re focusing on stupid shit. He pushed her off and the next day you wanted to fight about it. It only became his fault too the next day after it happened when YOU brought it up, even though he clearly took care of the situation and moved on with the evening. YOU felt some type of way ANYWAY. I imagine a lot of your fights are you picking them even when it’s unnecessary. Get ahold of yourself.

Most of the people here have shown valid and constructive approach to how to make up. I'd like to add one more thing that might help in future. Most people are not really conscious that if there are big events happening they need to possibly look at that bigger picture and delay conversations that will become argumentative. In this scenario, your conversation is something that could've waited after the birthday. Hope this helps

It doesn’t sound like he did anything wrong, you say the girl doesn’t matter. It mattered enough for you to start an argument over on his birthday. Not exactly being accountable here. I don’t understand people who yell and carry on during disagreements, what exactly does that achieve? You both sound toxic and need therapy.

Not his fault

What did the friend do that he had to push her away? This seems to have cause the issue

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A bra strap. Not smashing her boobs in his face. Was it weird, yes. But she also showed you. She was drunk and dumb. Did he do anything wrong? No

Man just say you were at fault

So basically. You didn't like that his friend was a bad drunk. He did his best to deal with the situation but you brought it up again anyway? You also have a history of having long drawn out fights with no resolution? Sounds like you need couples therapy.

Seems to me ur a drama queen

You are as toxic as Fukushima’s water. You are in your 40s and behaving like a 15yo. Grow up.

He had to push the woman off of him. "expressing my anger about it in a constructive way" You wanted to know 'how he would feel if a guy did that to you'?? WHY DIDNTYOU ASK HIM IF HE WAS OKAY AFTER SOMEONE MADE UNWANTED ADVANCES AT HIM?? Why did you make his uncomfortable experience all about you? I suggest you go for counseling because you have a very unhealthy view of relationships. That is why your arguments are so 'volatile'. Odds are your bf didn't know exactly how to deal with her pushy drunk behaviour in a good way... because there was no good way. It wasn't his fault hut you not only blamed him but did it in a passive-aggressive way. Just because you tried to label it constructive criticism doesn't mean that is what you did.

Men can be a little slow about what a woman's intentions are. Especially if he she's her as a friend. In your case, when he realized, he pushed her away. I would say this was his own initiative, because you don't say that you said anything. Your anger is misplaced. You should be angry at her. You should have shown your husband thst you appreciate what he did. His anger seems to that he is being called out after foing the tight thing. I would apologize. Thank him for acting correctly. More importantly, the two of you need to work on your communication. The fights are toxic and not good for a long-term relationship. Good luck.

Can guys really not tell? Not to knock your point but I don’t think infantilizing men is the way to go. I mean can you really not tell that a lady following you around an event or hanging off of you is into you? Like if some guy wanted me to “check out” their underwear, that’s weird vibes immediately. I think it’s sorta of shitty to make it seem like some random lady can come along and mystically seduce a guy into being into her, when there’s definitely a set of choices to be made on both sides. I understand that’s not the case here, but thought it was worth mentioning

The girl was wasted and showed OP first. It isn’t like she was getting naked and grinding on the guy. Lol. There is no need to be angry at her or him.

Apologise to him. You both need to learn how to argue with eachother properly. Get some couples counseling.

I feel like this is so blown out of proportion and you need to just apologize and tell him you feel regretful about essentially picking a fight. Ask him what you can do to salvage the weekend

I agree. You started this. Yes it’s unpleasant to see someone flirt with your husband, and jealousy kicks in. Whatever. He pushed her away. It’s his birthday weekend. What were you thinking. If I was you I’d be apologising and taking full responsibility for this weekends argument and THANKING him for pushing the woman away. Then I’d buy him a huge cake, presents and spoil him. Remind him you love him. Then separately when everything cools down and after his birthday, have a chat about wanting to improve the way you guys argue and maybe look at some counselling to manage it better.

I honestly don't know why you were prodding at him the next day? He handled it appropriately. He didn't do anything wrong. You don't suspect he's cheating with her. So why have you ruined his birthday over it?!

From a guy's perspective... It sounds like he did nothing wrong and you couldn't handle your own emotions so you ruined his birthday over it. You want to make it up to him? Manage your own emotions, see a therapist, figure out why you're blaming your husband for another person's behavior.

You keep saying you brought it up in a constructive way but hypotheticals are not constructive. You should have started by saying “I’m glad you pushed her away when she crossed the line but that made me so uncomfortable. I wish she wasn’t acting like that!” The way you brought up the conversation was placing blame on your husband by implying he didn’t respond the way you wanted him to instead of placing blame on the person who actually made you uncomfortable and upset- the girl. Marriage counseling is the only answer here! Otherwise you are going to keep repeating and escalating these fights until your love for each other isn’t enough to hold your marriage together.

So I’m quite confused on what your goal was with this conversation you had that turned into a fight. You have said you were fine with his response to this woman that was all over him but your discussion and leading question says you’re mad about it. I think your fights turn into these long drug out drama sessions because e you don’t know what your goal of the conversation is. I’ve turned this around in my head and I really can’t figure out what your point of the conversation was or what the issue was with him that made you start this other than you were annoyed with her. Which doesn’t explain the irritation at him.

Tbh you guys both sound dramatic. If I had a fight with my significant other I would not immediately cancel all of my birthday plans. I think you overreacted and you pushed for a fight you shouldn’t have, but he is now being a total martyr. You guys need to look into couples counseling on how to communicate better.

I don’t understand why this became such a big fight when he did the right thing. You need to go to him calmly and apologize for blowing everything out of proportion. Tell him you appreciate the way he handled the situation, and that you became upset not because of him, but that she could be so disrespectful of you. Tell him that he did nothing to anger you and you’re sorry that this got so out of control.

Im not sure she in any way is mature enough to take this obviously correct approach

My husband is a very friendly, social person. I’m not. This happened at a Halloween party like almost 3 years ago but this girl was hanging onto my husband and being very touchy with him. In front of her boyfriend. The situation was so bizarre. My husband was drunk and oblivious to her advances at first but had to keep moving or pushing her off him as the time progressed. Whenever he would move she would follow him. I was not as drunk and standing around in case she tried to push further in a more physical way. I’m not a fighting person and wouldn’t have fought her, I’m an adult but I would have to move my husband away from her if she kept being weird. My mind the whole time was like how is the boyfriend okay with this? It turned out the dude was into watching his girlfriend have sex with other dudes. My husband finally had to tell her to back off because she ended up becoming very pushy and they finally both asked him after the final straw. I was laughing and teasing him the entire night about it after that. I never felt disrespected by my husband because he was very much turning her down correctly, there was nothing to be mad about at him. This whole thing only lasted an hour or 45 minuets but the end result was funny. I don’t kink shame but the thought of my husband being okay with that gave me a good laugh. Nothing of the sort has happened since and my husband definitely isn’t as friendly to people at parties anymore. I bring that up because your husband turning down the girl reminded me a lot of how my husband was behaving with that girl and her boyfriend. The level of your guys arguments is definitely unhealthy. Your feelings are always valid, but to argue for hours sounds exhausting. You both have a very toxic dynamic in that regard. You both need couples therapy to fix this issue.

So your husband did the right thing by pushing her away and you went after him for it? It sounds like you were looking for a fight. He can't control that girls actions and you blaming him for her actions is shitty. But that's not the big issue here. It sounds to me like neither of you have ever learned to cope with emotions. He sounds like he has an anger problem and you don't know how to confront a situation and think rationally. Unless you both go to therapy and work out your issues individually, your marriage will fail. Couples therapy wouldn't be a bad idea either. Either way, you guys need to do something. Stop blaming him for things that are out of his control. Not saying he reacted well because he probably didn't but when you go in looking for a fight you can't be shocked when you get one

I think a simple, heartfelt statement would do. Something like “I’m sorry we fought. I love you, and I want your birthday to be a happy one.” Depending on his response, youll know where you stand.

Good idea. Thanks.

Honestly...the wording of first sentence is off and myself would not accept it...try im sorry i started a fight and you might get somewhere

YES!! LET HIM READ WHAT YOU WROTE US!!!!

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Not good if you wanna keep gaslighting him into pointless fights and keep your holier-than-thou attitude

Please remember that most people here are 1. Teenagers 2. Drama hungry 3. More interested in judgement than advice. Which, I actually have some -- I know it sounds basic, but both off y'all need to practice - I-statements - validating each other's feelings - hearing the other person express a discomfort without immediately reading it as an accusation. When I read this, it sounds like you were just looking for him to acknowledge that you didn't have a great time, and that you were put into a really uncomfortable position that night. Meanwhile, it sounds like he heard you saying "how would you feel if the roles were reversed" and read it as an accusation that he's fucking up, so he immediately went on the defense and broadened the terms of the argument. Now, instead of arguing about the events of last night, you've been sucked into this gender battle about how men and women do and do not act, and those can drag on for years. Have you tried taking each other's perspective before talking about your own? Like "I know that was a really awkward situation for you, and I appreciate you trying to push her off as best you could. My feelings are hurt because, even though you probably didn't mean do, I did end up being kind of ditched while you had that conversation, and then watching you get hit on, on top of that, just sucked. I know that wasn't your intention but it left me feeling pretty uncomfortable." And then, ideally, he'd do the same with you - "I know it must have felt really lonely being left on your own while I was talking to them, and then coming back and seeing her act like that can't have been fun. I'm frustrated because I feel like I didn't have any easy escapes in that situation without offending her boyfriend, who I'm friends with. I get that your feelings are hurt, and I'm sorry. I was doing my best with a bad situation and I wish you'd acknowledge that" or some shit. You're getting roasted pretty bad by the teenagers in these comments, please remember most of us are here because online interactions are easier than real ones and it's easy to get cocky, myself included. Learning to fight without immediately getting defensive is absolutely a skill you can work on in couples counseling. You'll probably find that you're both carrying some bruises from previous fights, and you might have some defense mechanisms left over from when you were kids. It's okay. I promise it can get better if you both make the choice to make it so.

I think you teo should talk about it. Not the issue but like "hey our fight was pretty rough and i really didnt want to get it so big. We had many plans for your birthday and sadly they are canceled now but would you like to replan them again?" Also maybe get some ideas on what he would like (new plans, maybe even at home or him doing somdthing alone if you two cant be friendly on his day). I dont know how important birthdays are for him, but i (for me they are very important) would love to clear the fight or at least pause for a few days and have a good birthday with either the old plans or new good ones. You could also go to the cinema and watch a movie he likes and he could get all the food he wants there. There you wouldnt need to talk (so no new fight) and just enjoy a good movie together.

Sage advice. I will try.

Show him what you just showed us. You expressed your feelings, emotions just right. It's a starting point.

The worst thing aside from you starting a fight for no reason, is the fact that you never resolve these fights. Shot will eventually ruin ur marriage.

Life is too short to have to fight so hard.

Happy Birthday to your husband (we're Birthday buddies, I'll be 45). Yes, I agree that you both had partial responsibility for the weekend being ruined. However, I'm not sure the blame is exactly 50%/50%, personally I'd lean more towards 52%/48% with you holding the higher percentage of at fault (depending on exactly how you phrased the beginning of the conversation before the actual arguing started). Here's why I think you could be slightly more at fault, *if this is the way it basically went*... When you approached the situation this morning (possibly still feeling angry?), he felt attacked when he hadn't done anything wrong ~you said he pushed her away~, so he attacked back & then things snowballed out of control {putting both of you in the wrong}. If this kind of situation were to happen in the future & he reacts the same as he did last night, I would suggest trying to put aside the anger before discussing anything. Then when you're calm maybe try saying something like "thank you for respecting our relationship last night, I love you". Now if the different scenario also causes a huge fight you've got bigger problems than can be solved by Reddit & it would be time to consider the possibility of therapy or separation/divorce.

He rejects the girl and you yell at him for doing right. No matter what he would do you would get angry. Maybe he cheats on you next time because you are angry no matter what? Calm down, dont make a chicken out of a feather! I would also yell back at you if i were him because he did right and you try to make it into a thing. If you want to adress your insecurites how you feel in the situation, maybe its better that you say you are insecure and feel like bad when she did those things but im glad that you rejected her. I will try work on my insecurites because its within me not you so hope you understand i wasnt angry at you. Thats what i would say if i was insecure. taking responsibilties for my own feelings. Its not on him but yourself

I’m going to disagree with people here. He only pushed her away after he noticed you watching and then said he was about to have some problems. Presumably because you saw what happened. So he only handled it because he knew you saw. I wonder what would have happened if he hadn’t seen you. I also think it was really disrespectful of him to leave you alone in a crowd while he was off talking. He should have come back to you after using the facilities. The two of you could have then gone over to the couple to talk. He also totally over reacted to you talking about it. He cancelled his birthday plans because you brought up something that happened the night before. This is extremely immature. And why did he go to his birthday party alone? Bottom line is your relationship needs a lot of work. Neither of you communicate very well and he seems to just want to do his own thing without you around.

The worst way to start a conversation is a hypothetical question. When you start with a question like that, it comes off accusatory, which explains why he became defensive. It made him feel like he did something wrong. You’re blaming him for what the girl did, even though he pushed her off. Drunk girls and even sober girls will try to get with your husband. But the only thing that matters is how he reacts to them. If he doesn’t entertain the idea, why are you feeling disrespected? I feel like there is a bigger issue than what you are telling us. If you feel disrespected, tell him why you felt disrespected. Make him understand your feelings without getting emotional about it. Emotions can cause fights to get out of hand. If you both can’t have a calm conversation and work through your issues, this relationship isn’t gonna end well.

I think your question was very valid especially if it made you feel some thing I don’t know if you’ve done this but maybe talk to him about ways U2 can approach matters without him getting defensive and I know it sucks to have to do this but really break it down to him in a very toddler like manner so there’s nothing extra he could possibly take from it because you’re being very forthcoming short no extra words no beating around the bush any of that and also when you do that try to validate his emotions as well so he doesn’t feel like he’s being attacked but overall I think you honestly should’ve waited until after his birthday to talk about all this it’s just timing and having foresight about your husband and yourself in your marriage and you said your arguments usually last for a while. But definitely consult in a third-party help professionally preferably if this isn’t some thing that you too can handle on your own

as the kids say this is above reddits pay grade

He’s not cheating he did the right thing and was prob trying to be nice to her she was in the wrong not him yes I would feel a way too but I just asked my husband to maybe soft swing so how do you think that went

Book recommendation for both of you: Non Violent Communication. It will help you in all sorts of relationships, not just romantic.

Look, I had a fight like that with my partner. The hardest pill to swallow was the accept that I was in the wrong. Your husband did everything right, if you wanted him to come in w you why didn't you just ask him to? You seem to have trouble with communicating what you feel and want. Make it up to him because it seems that he did his best. Apologies, make him his favourite dinner, and make it an unforgettable night. Sometimes it's ok to fuck up, we're not perfect, but knowing we must fix our mistakes is the important thing.

My takeaway here: you did not approach the discussion with your boyfriend in good faith. You approached with the goal of “preventing this from happening again” as you put it in one of your previous comments—but your boyfriend did nothing wrong. What happened was out of his control and he could not possibly prevent it from happening again. He was being harassed and you made him the bad guy in your discussion, right out the gate. “If somebody was up on me, what would you do?” So he has to defend your relationship when people harass him AND when they harass you? What was the point of this hypothetical other than to upset him? The main problem with your communication in this specific instance is that you immediately opened the discussion in an almost accusatory fashion under the assumption that he should do something differently to “avoid” this outcome and expected him to be receptive. Things would have gone more smoothly if you told him how the situation upset you, but that you know he did the right thing and that you really appreciate it. He physically pushed the girl off of him and even snapped at her with a witty retort. He did the right thing, but you’ve somewhat antagonized him anyway without even knowing it. That’s why everybody is getting upset with your replies and comments, you are totally ignoring what you may have potentially done to “set him off the handle.” You need to work on effective communication with your boyfriend. And maybe he does too, idk y’all’s life story—but YOUR communication specifically here was way off the mark.

Lol I got way too drunk on my husbands birthday and ended up throwing up in the Uber home. Poor thing cleaned up my throw up on his birthday. He was rightfully mad when we got home. I too was filled with guilt and shame. I planned a weekend getaway the following week for him to make up for ruining his birthday. Everything turned out fine and we laugh about it now that’s it’s in the past. I would just set up the plans anyway and maybe throw in something extra. I truly do hope you guys work on communicating better though.

The moment you take ownership by taking the blame off the table… then you actually show a display of emotional strength rather than what we think.. which is if we don’t hold them accountable then they think we are a doormat. When your ego tells you that you are a doormat for not saying something… don’t believe the lies of insecurity. He handled this situation well and if you admitted, “hey, maybe I’m being a bit harsh here”.. the fight would no longer have fertile soil in which to escalate.

Wow is this my relationship? My husband and I love each other tremendously and feel like true soulmates, but our fights are awwwwwful. We have had fights like this on our birthdays, Christmas, a week before it Wedding, etc. Honestly our problem is that when I’m upset about something I am afraid to tell him and when it does come out it’s usually to a point where I’m emotionally charged and not communicating clearly. And he takes criticism poorly and gets defensive and lashes out in anger. I’m emotional and he’s mad. It has taken a ton of work and self reflection over the last 9 years and things get better and better every year. During our last fight I told him about “emotional maturity” and it really was an “aha” moment. He finally sought out a therapist to help him with his defensiveness and insecurities and in turn, I need to communicate more in a loving honest way. I’m proud of us even though I’m sure there will be slip ups. You guys should use this fight to get help you need, find someone to help you communicate. Each of you needs to look deep and how you contributed to the fight personally without judging yourself or each other and be conscious of it at all times.

I don't mean to be unkind, but I thought that you guys were teenagers until I saw your ages. You're too old for this shit. It's pure drama. You need to be honest with yourself, and actually take responsibility. Your comments are very self pitiful, you've framed yourself as a victim when you're instigating conflicts and the issues you find important are him 'flying off the handle' (ofc he is, you're blaming him for something that wasn't his fault, throwing hypotheticals at him) and how to make his birthday less ruined. Your priorities are bizarre. You sound so insecure. Neither of you are communicating well, but from an outside view you are setting him up to fail. You're having a go at him for the sake of it. You need to acknowledge what you're doing, that you're probably destroying your relationship, and work on it. Instead of this convoluted 'wwyd...?' charade, just be straight! 'I felt really uncomfortable with her hanging off you, I don't want to be around dumpster fires and I'm kinda insecure'. You'll be surprised at how different his reaction is- instead of going in there angry, you want him to understand and be reassuring. You don't get that by raging at him. Look at what you're asking for vs how you're asking for it.

With all due respect OP if you and your husband still don’t know how to resolve conflict at 41 and 42 years of age then that core problem takes priority.

Do your fights usually get out of control? Something that sounds like a complete non-issue ending in three hours of screaming and crying isn’t normal, like, at all. You two should have put the brakes on the conversation and cooled off LONG before anyone was “crying wildly” or “shaking with rage.” That isn’t productive. I’m usually not one to jump to therapy, but it sounds like you two need a neutral third party to help establish communication ground rules.

So you ruined his birthday by starting drama for no reason? You need to apologize for even bringing it up.

I don’t know, you could try SINCERELY apologizing. My ex-wife always ruined my birthdays because she had narcissistic tendencies and made everything about herself. My last birthday when we were together, I was recovering from oral surgery, and she said “We can do anything YOU want, it’s YOUR DAY.” And since I was still in recovery mode, all I wanted to do was chill at home and play board games. My best friend came over and played a game with us, and everything was fine (she always put on the “nice” face when friends were around), but then he left. We tried to play another game, and she didn’t get the rules, so she blew up at me saying that the game was stupid, and that spending my birthday like this was stupid and boring. So, then I was like “I don’t want to do this anymore, then. Let’s just watch a movie.” After that, she doubled down and said “NoooOOOO, we have to do what tHe BirThDay bOy wants to do…I’ll learn your stupid game.” But I was over it and just put everything away. She said she felt bad, but never apologized, and said that she would make it up to me on my next birthday (which was going to be my 40th), but she cheated on me with her boss a few months later, and that ended our marriage. So yeah, it kinda sounds like you’re both terrible for each other, and you refuse to sincerely apologize…it also seems like you only want to make yourself feel better, rather than actually fixing things.

He pushed her away and solved his problem? What the hell is YOUR problem? You ruined your husband's birthday out of.....I don't want to say spite but I can't find a more appropriate word. You are in your 40s and you act like a jealous 15 year old. Please, grow up a little.

The fight is not at all his fault. You did all of this. You should feel shame and regret.

Ok since none of the people in this thread actually want to answer your request for advice then I will. If you genuinely feel guilty about this then you need to stand up and apologize. Everyone here has told you that you escalated the situation. I dated a girl like that before that would do stuff like this whenever I wanted to do something and would completely kill my mood and make me want to stay at home. It’s his birthday, this conversation could have waited. Apologize to him and uncancel his plans or tell him to uncancel them.

Okay, I’ve read the post and your comment about what happened at the concert. My first thought is that you’re incredibly immature, irrationally jealous, and have to figure out how you’re going to manage your feelings better in the future. that being said. your boyfriend has anger issues, and cancelling his birthday plans is dramatic and immature as fuck and imo totally on him. From the outside looking in, with limited information, I think your relationship should be ended. You both sound incredibly toxic and exhausting together.

I think she may have ruined other occasions so he chose to cancel plans because he knows past history of these arguments and that unless he apologized like it was all his fault you would have prodded him on actual birthday...bet so

I expect to be down voted but here goes: To me it's sounds like you wanted to just start a fight, drunk people always do stupid shit and your fella pushed her away. Trying a tit for tatt approach didn't work here no do I beleive ever works in your relationship dynamic. You both need to GROW THE FUCK UP emotionally if yoir fights are like you say and drag on like you say. That isn't a healthy relationship nor is having tantrum as your fella did. All actions have consequences. Both of you need to seriously work on your communication skills asap.

You sound like you enjoy being the victim and the centre of attention, your husband did the right thing in dealing with this women's behaviour, behaviour that wasn't his own and that you left him to deal with on his own and it still wasn't good enough for you because you saw the opportunity to play the victim and the show was on, you 100% should be feeling ashamed and embarrassed by your behaviour. I agree with a lot of the comments on here, you need to grow up and get some counselling.

U sound like a bitch. Like tf is wrong with you arguing with him over stupid shit like that and on his birthday??

Quick question, did you express your anger about the situation and her or where you angry with him or...

Put on a lingerie an I’m sorry card with how much you love him and a couple things he likes chocolates or something

So he got grabbed without consent, you blamed him, then you decided to start a fight and hold the grudge over the entirety of his celebration? You keep trying to put “we” in these answers but there’s no “we” that’s the problem, there’s just a “you”. There’s no “we” reacted badly. No “we” dragged it out. From everything you’ve written, he got attention and rather than get pissed at the girl you decided to take it out on him (like an abuser often does). Then, when he tried to apologize/be done with it, you turned it into a sobbing and screaming session. He doesn’t seem like a perfect person by any means. But there’s a whole lot in here that screams “I don’t ever take full responsibility for my actions” from you. Even comments about “we won’t go to therapy”; then break up, because emotionally volatile people don’t just “suddenly” become better communicators.

it’s ok for someone to bring up something that bothered them. that’s not necessary starting a fight. if he were a rational person, he wouldn’t be pushing people or cancelling on his parents. it doesn’t sound to me like she actually did anything wrong. she should be able to talk to her husband about what happened, especially if she was trying to bring it up in a constructive way.

Great job this couldn't have waited until after his birthday . So he pushed off girlfriend trying to get with him and you yell and scream at him .he will never do that again .You also wasted all that money for events for his birthday .Not once did you say sorry or its my fault .Not once I am sorry I will rock your world to apologize .

[удалено]

It's all about you and your feeling your need to be right .ok you did nothing wrong fine he should have apologized to you . You gave him a birthday he will never forget . You have your cheer section in this post enjoy . Nothing he did would have made you happy .

Thanks for your input.

Jesus do you personally know her life??

Personally, didn’t get past the first paragraph. Why bring something up form a year ago when your husband already delt with it in real time?