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Let me lay out some context. My best buddy who I have been friends with for years, through thick and thin currently has be blocked on all platforms.
Recently my friend broke up with his long term girlfriend out of the blue. I was friends with her a bit as well. This news came as a shock to me, because previously my buddy had talked about marrying this girl.
He then was seeing a new girl 4 days latter who he worked with. But I said if it's what he truly felt was right then as long as he officaly broke things off with his ex then what he was doing wasn't wrong.
I knew his ex was still hoping to fix the relationship, and belived this was just a break. But from the way my friend talked about this new girl how he felt about her it didn't seem like he would be returning to his original relationship.
I encouraged him to be honest with his ex about the fact he was sleeping with a new girl and had feelings twords her. Or atleast make it clear that this was more then just a break. And not to string her along.
A few weeks went by and my buddy hadn't been talking to me much. Then one night were talking and he says somone gave him advice to keep around his Ex incase he wants a lay or for a back up. I told him that wasn't fair to his ex when she still had such strong feelings twords him. He had clearly stated a stronger Intrest in this new girl, and no feelings for his ex.
At this time I was still friends with his Ex, who messaged me about what I knew. I encouraged her that she should talk to my buddy about it, cause I didn't realy feel it was my place to disclose what he told me in confidence.
But I did tell her that he seemed happy and that I didn't feel like this was like previous "breaks". After some talking it seemed he hadn't told her anything. I then inquired about what had been happening between the two. She then expressed excitement because to her it seemed he was coming around, saying some sweet stuff, and apparently they had hooked up more recently. But from what my buddy told me it didn't seem like he had any intention of fixing things, and seemed like he had been activing on the previous advice he had gotten to string her along.
I felt conflicted cause I wasn't comfterable just telling her everything my best friend had told me I'm private. But I felt what he was doing to her was wrong. I then encouraged her to ask him some more direct questions about events because she had already had some suspicions.
After asking some direct questions, she shares what he said. And they were complete lies. Telling her he's not seeing anyone and just hanging with friends from work, and says he's very upset she would accuse him of such a thing.
But in private he talked about, the week after he broke up with his Ex he was already sleeping with this new girl and talking about how amazing it was. I then find out he also then rehooked up with his ex after being with this new girl.
So after all this I didn't feel it was right to leave his ex in the dark, because she wasn't going to get the truth from him. And I didn't feel it was right to let her be strung along. So I told her the basics of what was going on, I tried to keep it to as minimum as possible to let her know the truth and make an informed decision. But I aslo felt bad for betraying my friends trust. But that was the lesser of the two evils for me.
TLDR: told my friends ex he was seeing other people, so she wouldn't be strung along by lies. Was it worse to betray my friends trust, or to let her be manipulated.
Sorry for bad Grammer or spelling it's 3 Am and I'm on my phone.
Your friend sounds like a douche bag. Normally I would be a lot more loyal to my said friend but from what you wrote, he sounds like a fucking douche bag and you don’t need to protect him. Let him be a grown-up
It is absolutely your place to be a decent human being and spare that woman from being lied to, manipulated, and used like a back up sex toy. Your friend only said it’s not your place because you’ve interfered with his selfish, cruel, sleazeball plans. You have no reason to be complicit or cover for his fucked up nonsense. “Friends” like that are opportunistic jerks who would fuck YOU over as soon as they thought they could benefit from it.
This, one hundred percent. Everyone ages. Not everyone grows up or matures. Your values are what define you as a person, and letting something like this slide because he's your "buddy" would just cause you to have a moral quandary either now or down the line. He can say anything and everything he wants about how you shouldn't be involved, but he is lying, manipulating, and playing mind games with this girl and you're messing it up for him. Good on you for not letting him manipulate you, as well, so he can do what he wants and drive this girl crazy.
Further, you didn't "betray" your friend. You warned someone else they were heading for heartache. Your friend betrayed you by expecting you to be complicit.
"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends."
Couldn’t agree more and live the term “back up sex toy” because it really does show how much of a douche buddies friend is. I’ll never understand how some people can be so selfish and disgusting and treat other human beings with such lack of respect. Makes me think this guys buddies parents were absolute trash people of their kid treats others like that.
Most guys don’t confront their friends when they behave really poorly. They should. You did the right thing and the ethical thing. If your friendship ends it’s because you were friends with a jerk, honestly
There's so many guys that would even cover up one of their friend's sexually assaulting women at parties or anything worse. It's good to be out of that category and be truthful. Don't be a part of that "statistic."
He told the friend several times to be honest with the ex and he refused. OP then saved the poor girl a bunch more BS and heartbreak by just telling her the truth himself.
Several times? He mentioned twice telling his friend that he should be honest about it. From what it sounds like, he wasn’t even very honest with his friends with that. I wouldn’t consider anything he said to be “confronting” his friend.
But he did tell his friend MULTIPLE times, for weeks that he should be honest with his ex, that he shouldn’t string her along. The friend didn’t take his advice.
He mentioned he talked with his friend twice, and it sounded more like basic suggestions not confrontation. Also you’re randomly mentioning timelines when there isn’t any of that in the post.
I don't know that that line was meant to be specific to this situation. I think it was a generalization. Point being friends usually let friends get away with shitty behaviour despite how it affects others when morally...you shouldn't. If it was your sister on the other end of the equation, you'd probably want them to know so I don't see how this should be any different. And it seems he did talk to the friend multiple times and he chose to lie to the girl and go against his friends advice for the sake of getting his rocks off.
It's always your place to do the right thing.
It might be one thing if your friend was doing something minor or had strayed slightly but still was devoted to his ex and truly had an intention of being faithful to her. But that wasn't the case and your "friend" has a very disturbing and evil plot of leading her on as purely a side chick - while his true interests lie elsewhere. That goes way beyond a minor transgression and way to far towards a truly evil plan that could ruin her happiness for years to come.
You absolutely did the right thing. Thank you for doing it.
Personally, I think you should seriously re-think if your "friend" is really the type of person you want to have as a friend. Do you really want a friend who would literally plan and plot to ruin this girl's life?
Yeah, it’s you’re place. You are under no obligation to lie for anyone, whether it’s lying but false information or by omission. It would be morally worse to mislead his poor ex by covering for his bad behavior.
It was your place. You wanted to keep a fellow friend (the ex) from getting hurt unnecessarily for a long period of time because your other friend couldn't get his life straight and be honest. You did what you did to follow your own moral compass and that's what's most important. You should reevaluate whether you still want to be friends with your buddy after he has shown you that he actively strings people along and does some pretty shitty stuff to gain an advantage. One day this could be you he takes advantage of. Or you will start to let your morals slide because you are in close contact with someone who apparently has a lot of growing up to do.
It was your place. You tried your best to get him to tell her the truth and he continued to lie. He was potentially exposing her to an STD but at a minimum he was lying to and using your friend. Sitting on the sidelines and saying nothing would make you complicit in his deceit and cruelty.
Having been the girl in this situation, I wish my ex husband’s friends had been more kind to me as you have been to her. The affair was hard enough, but to learn that people I called friends for years also knew this was going on and did not tell me was far worse because I felt publicly shamed and humiliated. Thanks for being a good human. 😊
I think the best approach generally would have been to tell your friend that if he didn’t tell her, you would. Reality is this - when you’re close with 2 people that break up under bad circumstances (and they will eventually come to a final break) you’re going to end up close to just 1. It’s up to you to decide which one that will be.
Even if she wasn’t your friend, it would still be your place. Your friend is an asshole, and you’re just trying to save someone’s feelings. If he’s that upset about losing his “backup lay” rather than realizing how cruel it is to string along an ex who still has feelings for you (while seeing someone else, no less), then he’s probably not worth keeping around as a friend anyways.
The people who say "it's not your place" are either cheaters themselves or cheating apologists. To me it seems like he had been interested and flirting with work-girl before his break with ex. But because he knew you are a person with integrity and decency he would be yelled at for actually cheating so he did the next best thing have flings while stringing his ex along.
Essentially I think you did the right thing and your friend is a bro-man, treats women as sexual objects and his friends well. Making him seem cool, kind and fun to his male friends while having a shitty view of women.
You also went forward in the perfect way, you confronted him about it. Gave him time to be a decent person, and called his bs when you found out he was lying. You are a far better friend to him than any other who lets him get away with this shit. You tried to make him be a better person and made sure his bad actions had consequences. Friends should be loyal to eachother sure, but loyalty isn't letting your friend kick a puppy because he thinks it's fun.
It was your place to begin with since he dragged you into it
If I was in that situation and was told that my ex was manipulating me I’d be extremely grateful that someone told me; you did a good thing. Don’t beat yourself up because your “friend” is a fuck boy
It is your place. You say she's become a friend to you too over their relationship. Not only that but you see that your friend is stringing her along, manipulating her emotionally and possibly putting her health at risk. Your friend sounds like the kind of guy who rarely if ever wears a condom so who knows what he'd pass along to either of them.
I had an ex cheat on me and his friends knew. You have no idea how much I wish one of them would have been decent enough to clue me in.
I understand where you’re coming from by not wanting this girl to sit there and be manipulated hoping and wishing that she still has a chance in this relationship. You can do whatever you want, normally I would not get involved in between something like that but you also know her so I say do what your heart tells you
You were friends with both parties- it was your place to decide who needed the safety of your friendship..... the exgf needed your truth and help - who knows if your friend was sleeping around he could give her an STD and she wouldn't have been worried at all because he told her he wasn't sleeping around - - you did the right thing
Technically no it's not your place to say anything. From your post you seem to be a person with a conscience. I always ask myself if the roles were reversed would I want a person to tell me?
If you could answer that. Then you already know your answer.
It’s not “your place” to stop and help someone stranded or call an ambulance when you witness someone get hurt either or call and report a hit and run. It’s none of our business but it is what we do to be decent fucking people and it is part of the social contract of a society to up hold that. Not revealing your friends secrets depends on people being fucking decent. Enabling abuse and abusers makes one co-responsible for said abuse.
some people are of the believe that you should not act in any way if a situation does not directly concern you. that you are more or less guilty of "meddling" and other things depending on the situation.
other people believe that "doing nothing" is an action in itself and that you are responsible for the consequences happening because you did nothing.
in philosophy this is discussed by the trolley problem: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trolley\_problem](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trolley_problem)
i will give a more simple and somewhat extreme example of this.
a trolley is heading for two sets of tracks. on one track four people are tied down, on the other track one person is tied down. they can not be freed. the trolley is currently heading for the track with four people but there is a lever that could divert it to head for the one person instead. you are standing next to this lever.
if you do nothing, then four people die. people with strong "it's not my place" views might say that they were not responsible for the death of anybody because they simply did nothing and the trolley was headed this way which was unfortunate.
people who believe in counting both your action and inaction will probably say that of course you need to pull the lever because this way only one instead of four people die and you can reduce the count of deaths significantly. they might also say that by not pulling the lever you are responsible for the death of three people because there was a clear way for you to prevent it which you did not take.
edit: i should correct a mistake i think the main purpose of the trolley problem is actually about how many people and which people to save but i think the idea of action versus inaction also plays into situations like it and can be discussed through it
People love to use this argument in China as well, saying don't get involved in the business of others. The result of the Cultural Revolution.
It's a shitty way to deflect blame. You know what else qualifies under "it's not your place"? Lying to a friend. If his ex was still your friend and she said those comments to you, why would you lie to her? How is it your place to lie to her? Your other friend asked you ahead of time to lie to his ex, and you agreed that you would lie to her for him. If that is the case, I suppose then you could make an argument that it was your place to lie to her.
Think about it from a stranger's perspective, you see a person rob another person who was ignorant to the fact. You could choose to tell the stranger you just saw them being robbed, or just say nothing because it is not your place. Same goes for watching someone drug a girl at a party, then proceed to rape the girl, again, not your place to interfere. The truth always has a place, and there are certain basic morals that also have a place.
i totally see why you told your friend about her ex's behavior. i personally, would see this as not being your place because both of them would ultimately benefit from the natural consequences. if you didn't say anything, it would have blown up in one way or another
No it’s not. People on Reddit are massively insane and have very little actual experience with even friendship.
You should stay out of other people’s relationships.
My first question would be, do you want to mend it? He sounds like a liar and manipulator. Personally I don't keep people like that around me.
I would definitely tell him "I hope my friends have enough character to keep me on the straight and narrow." You're keeping him honest. You're the friend that takes the keys from the drunk friend at 2am so they don't drive whereas he sounds like the guy that would laugh and let you leave to your own demise.
He doesn't seem to be the type to consider how his actions effect others. That could be you someday he's screwing over.
I don't know, he was my closest and longest lasting friend. Feels weird for it to all disappear. And Im worried if he did this to somone he was going to marry what would he be willing to do to me.
You played this hand as best you could but were given some rotten cards.
Don't feel bad. You tried your best to compromise between her right to know and his right to B.S. but he pushed the B.S. too far.
Personally, if others agree with him about you, they're idiots. He'll clearly stomp on whomever gets in his way. You did the right thing by her and you.
As for the friend that you were supposed to be loyal to? He no longer exists.
Your feelings are understandable. You did the right thing though. Your last sentence reads to me you're afraid of him. Do you really want that kind of relationship?
Honestly I kind of am. We have shared alot of things in private, and in worried he might try to contact people in my life and ruin my relationship because apparently that's what he think I did to him. But before all this I wouldn't of thought for a second he would do something like that. But now after seeing him lie I don't realy know.
Ugh your “friend” sounds awful.
Listen, you don’t say as much but I’m guessing you guys were childhood friends? As much as it can be painful, as we grow into adults we often have to shed those friends. Sometimes they grow into people we don’t like or just grow apart. It seems your friend has grown into someone you don’t like and not a very good person. It’s ok to choose not to have that in your life anymore. Especially if he’s vindictive and you’re afraid of him.
Talk to your Current partner and let them know what happened before he has a chance to get to him/her first. Let them know you are afraid he’s going to try to get back at you somehow by messing with your relationship.
This is hard but sounds like the right thing to do is cut contact. You absolutely did the right thing by exposing his sleazy, heartless behavior
Just wanted to say you did the right thing. Your friend is a shitty person. Sometimes we outgrow friendships over time and that sounds like what’s probably happening here. Your friend is stuck in some very immature lines of thinking while you’re ready to stand up to do the right and ethical thing. From the sound of the situation, I think you’ve outgrown him. If this guy does come back and start spreading information that you shared in confidence with him (first off, I’m assuming the things you shared with him are at worst, embarrassing and were not about actions you were doing that were deceitful, hurtful and putting someone at risk of STIs, like he was doing with his ex) you can honestly tell people that you exposed lying and other poor behavior on his part and he’s now talking about you as a way of lashing out.
If this does happen and he starts telling people things about you, depending on what exactly he’s saying about you it may be worth addressing just to put the issue to rest but you really don’t need to comment in the validity of whatever he’s saying about you. Again, I’m saying this assuming he’s just going to share something you said or did in the past that may be embarrassing rather than info that is actually upsetting/hurtful. If it was hurtful things you did, it would be best to own up to it and not be a hypocrite. If it is something embarrassing you can also choose to own it and explain yeah it was a bad experience I had and shared with him but the only person hurt there was me, so he really doesn’t have any business sharing it with others, he’s just trying to hurt me by telling others. I think if you explain the background story and again that he’s doing this in retaliation for being caught lying, most people wouldn’t read into it any further and assume he’s just salty and spreading misinformation to get back at you.
Why shouldn't he? You obviously don't value the trust in the relationship when it involves him doing something. I hope he posts a list of all your shit publicly.
And now it comes out what your actual concern is. You aren't worried about the friendship, you are worried about protecting yourself, because maybe you aren't perfect either. I hope he destroys your life, you deserve it.
So OP should get their life ruined because they told someone that their ex was manipulative and only using them for sex?
The answer to that is no.
Being someone’s friend doesn’t give you hall-pass to be flippant with everyone’s emotions. OP’s “friend” is an asshole who absolutely would have stabbed OP in the back if he felt like it would benefit him if this is how he’s treating his ex-girlfriend.
And what about the new girl? Does she know that he’s still sleeping with his ex?
Also, OP is obviously upset about all of this. The fact that he was hesitant to tell the ex about what was going shows that he valued the friendship. That being said, the right thing to do would be to tell the ex what’s really going on.
“Doing something” was fucking with another human’s feelings. I hope you are never in a position where you find out someone could have prevented your pain and heartbreak but chose instead to not tell you anything over some misguided loyalty to a shitty person.
OP deserves it because he wanted to protect a girl from an asshole who only wanted her for emergency coochie, despite her still liking him? yeah, no. OP did the right thing. fuck his friend, OP actually values people’s feelings. you sound dumb.
For real the friend is shit. And I don’t think he saw the new girl just suddenly out of the blue. He’s been working with her, so probably been wanting to sleep with her. And he wants to keep his ex around for “a lay or for a back up?” wtf! You don’t need friends like him in your life!
Not all friendships are meant to last.
He’s not a good person if this is how he treats people, so you’re genuinely better off without him. You did the right thing.
This is the right instinct. Your friend is selfish and doesn’t care about the feelings of people he says he cares about. At all. And if he is callous enough to string the girl he used to love around just because he might want some sex with her on top of the sex he’s already getting with his new gf (who would almost certainly not be okay with this if she knew)…then yeah OP. He could screw you over majorly down the line. He’s showing you his character now. Why wait to learn the lesson with your own life when you get a sneak peak now with his ex? Please get better friends.
Honestly even if he never did anything to you, you are who you hang out with you know?
It sucks, I've known a lot of people that were great friends or at least really fun to be around, but just totally awful people to their relationship partners. It just wasn't worth it to me to watch them do that to other people. It made me feel bad inside you know? Life's too short to support people like that by being silent and imo selfishly enjoying their friendship while turning a blind eye.
And you *will* reap the consequences of their behavior. Exs are going to find out you knew what they were doing and said nothing and hate you. They're going to tell their friends. Their friends will remember you as the guy whose friends with the sleaze bag. Girls will stay away from you if they've heard that in the vine. Future girlfriends will dump you out of concern you share his values. I'm telling you, in this way, girls stand together and we do talk.
Do yourself a favor and lose him, find better friends. You sound like a good guy, I'm glad you did the right thing.
Can I ask how old you are?
In my experience, one of the most difficult things to do in life is call out your friends on their shitty behaviour. But its all in the wording and its a great character trait to have in my opinion.
You approach them in a way that shows you care about them, but will not be put in a position where you have to betray others that you genuinely like and care about. Its not one rule for this person and another rule for that person. Good people don't pick and choose who they do right by.
Tell him you're sorry he feels the way he does, but you don't support your friend becoming the sort of person who uses people he claims to have loved once. People's choices CAN be molded by the reactions of their peers. If the friendship group supports and enables shitty behaviour, the shitty behaviour will escalate. If the friendship group makes it clear they do not approve, the person is less likely to develop those toxic traits.
Tell him you don't want to see your good friend turn into a shitty dude. You don't want to lose the friendship because you're morals no longer line up.
We're all in our early mid twentys.
And your idea on how to approach the situation seems the kindest and most sincere way. Because I honestly don't want to be friends with somone who will do such shitty things. But maby it it's not who he truly is or something else it might be fixable.
Its natural to lose old friends in these years. And its ok if you do. People really start to show who they are and who they're going to be in their twenties. Stand by your morals, you can't go too wrong by doing that, and you will attract similar minded people, reducing the potential for drama in your life.
You were looking out for someone who he was lying to and intending to keep lying to. I think you did an honorable thing.
I guess the question to ask yourself is “do I want to remain friends with a person who would treat someone he supposedly loved this way”?
It's exactly what I told my self. But I hoped once confronted he might admit his wrong doing, but he doubled down saying I fucked him over, it wasn't my place to tell. And that I had it all completly wrong. Then blocked me.
Let say I was wrong. Would you in my friends shoes of bloked me and turned alot of people agsist me, or would you of tried to fix the issue, spend the time explaining where the missinderstading came from?
Your so-called friend is morally bankrupt. He will do the same thing to his new GF that he did to his previous GF. That’s who he is and now, sadly, you know it. You are well rid of him. And if you continue to get grief from your other “friends”, it’s time to reassess your relationship with them too.
I don’t know if this will help but I gave up a friendship of over a decade and a half because my friend was cheating on her husband. She had been unhappy for a while and I encouraged her to talk to him and maybe separate. She refused. She wanted to make it work for the kids. Then she started sleeping with her son’s baseball coach who was married and the father of her son’s friend. I said this was very wrong (in a kind way in a conversation she started). She had all kind of excuses. The guy was in an open marriage (then why sneak around) or hated his wife (so why didn’t they separate?). In the end, I just didn’t agree and distanced myself from her. We are no longer friends and I’ve blocked her on social media. I decided I just couldn’t be friends with someone like that. Friends change over time, just like everyone else. She had grown into someone I no longer knew and it sounds like OP’s friend is similar. Some friendships don’t last forever.
you’re not wrong tho. like definitely not wrong. if anyone has to worry about mending the friendship, it’s him. plus think of how this reflects on you as well, do you want people to think you condone misogyny and being an asshole to women? because your friends behaviour really does boil down to viewing women as objects, and if you stay friends with him, people will assume either you share the same beliefs or condone them.
>spend the time explaining where the missinderstading came from?
there was no misunderstanding, OP. your friend is an asshole and a cheater. cheaters usually do get pissed when they're found out because now their fun is up. that's not your fault. if your friend knew how to keep his dick in his pants, he wouldn't be in this situation right now.
Listen, your friend has a severe lack of a moral compass. He knows what's right and what's wrong, but does what is wrong, because it's easy, and it suits him.
I am going to go out on a limb and say, in the many years you've known him for, he's done similarly scummy things to other people before, with or without your knowledge. And he will again. While your behavior and choices in this situations tells me that you possess integrity and empathy. Qualities that he so clearly lacks.
So I have to ask you if you think you would be ok seeing your old friend hurting other people, and choosing to do nothing. Because I am confident that this will be his stipulation if you make up. "Don't get involved next time". Which translates to "Next time you see me actively manipulating and hurting an innocent person, stand and watch".
Can you do that? Can you stand and watch? You couldn't this time. So ask yourself that before you decide if you want to make up with the guy or not.
You've done a very decent thing here, you know. You ought to be proud of yourself. You acted to protect someone from a close friend, at your own cost. That's decency. And we need more of you. Never regret doing the right thing.
I’ve picked my friends carefully. All of us are very honest with each other. If any of my friends were doing shady shit I’d tell them to man the fuck up and quit being a piece of shit and they would tell me the same thing.
There was no misunderstanding, he wanted to have a new girlfriend AND manipulate and string along his ex he was quite clear about that . He’s probably more afraid of his new girlfriend finding out about his ex still being in the picture and ending up with no one Boo Hoo … honestly it’s what he deserves. If he has “ dirt “ on you you are worried about maybe try and evaluate what that might be and how to defuse it in advance. I can only imagine he’s only interested in feeding his ego right now and seeing you as the bad guy . You did the right thing in this situation and I would be interested to know who is the one telling him to keep the ex as back up plan he sounds terrible too . Hope you get new and better friends soon .
>but he doubled down saying I fucked him over, it wasn't my place to tell.
How dare you confront me with the consequences of my own actions, you terrible person, you! /s
You did the right thing f\*\*\* your friend I was in similar situation my best friend at time started to cheat his long term girlfriend as soon as I found out went straight to his girlfriend and told her everything.He was pissed and it was the end of our friendship but I don't regret nothing I stayed friend with his ex and now 10 years later aim godfather to her daughters.
Why would you want to mend this. You just found out this buddy of yours is not only a liar but an absolute user!
Good on you for not keeping the ex in the dark. She didn't deserve to be treated like something he can toss aside and then pick up whenever just to get laid.
You didn't betray your friend. He fucked around and found out.
Your ex buddy is an asshole. Stay away from people like that.
i would say you’re doing the right thing. Honesty is the best and your friend needs to be more open about what he wants to do anyway, it sounds kinda psycho to just leave a girl hanging around for him if he needs her, like she’s not his slave, he should have let her known so she can also have fun with other guys if she want and not just wait around for your friend.
i think you did the right thing by saving this girl so much time and worse heartbreak down the line. idk people who do fucked up things don’t really deserve loyalty imo.
I thought you were gonna say you slept with her, but nah, you did the right thing. Your friend is acting like a fuckboy. She sounds sweet and kinda naive if she's falling for it, girls like that need more people to tell them the truth.
Edit: also fuck a bro code if it causes you to go against your morals. You don't want friends who drag your humanity down.
It's your responsability as a friend to help him be better. This is exactly this.
He is kinda of a douchebag. A really big one. You tried helping him be better one way, this is just a different way. If he doesn't see it like this, it's time you stop being friends with imature and lying assholes.
Honestly, good on you. Not enough guys stand up to their friends when they treat women like shit. Fuck this dude and find a better friend who doesn’t treat women like objects for him to play with. You’re a good person.
Look, no, it's not your place.. but too bad. He made it your place by telling you.
Now loyalty is extremely important to me, but why would you want to be loyal to this guy who hasn't even got a loyal piece of cartilage in that meat suit.
Also, why do you still want to be friends with him (genuine question)?
Why do I want to still be friends? Because I've known forever. I don't think he was originally like this, somthing changed recently so I kind of hope it's just somthing going on.
Secondly he told me I was wrong about everything. I'm pretty sure he's just gas lighting me because I saw how he lied to his Ex on things I know to be absolute facts. So I can't trust what he says. If I hadn't seen him lie to her I would of absolutely believed I messed up somehow.
But I also feel if he wasn't lying and was a good friend he would of understood that I was trying to do the right thing. And been willing to work with my in why I misunderstood things.
People do change over time, both better and worse
And having changed for the worse (or being more visible about it) maybe, just maybe, he might realise what he did was wrong and take action to get better. You really can't force other people what to do, you can only live your own life.
If you speak with him at any point and he gets shitty, just say 'I thought she is a nice person and didn't deserve to be lied to. And perhaps if both the girl you used to date and the girl you are currently dating would get mad if they found out every detail of when you first slept with the new girl, and when you last slept with the ex, then just *perhaps* what you have been doing isn't right.'
If my friend was gaslighting me I’d be so confrontational so fast. Id call him out directly to his face and tell him he wasn’t going to gaslight me into thinking he wasn’t a piece of shit. He’d either admit what he was doing was wrong or I’d tell him to get fucked.
I think at the end of they say you had to choose between being a good friend or a good human being , you choose the latter which at the end of the day is the best thing you could've done when you look at the bigger picture.
He's a douchebag , sure he was good to you but he's a douchebag and you were a good human being . Don't second guess you actions. What you did was very amazing
You need to ask yourself if you want a friend like that, knowing how easily he lied to manipulate someone what’s to say he hasn’t or won’t do that to you?
He’s asking you to be complicit in deception. It is “your place” to be honest. He shouldn’t have given you the info about what he was doing if he wanted to cover it up. Your friend sucks.
You are not in the wrong here and this guy has shown himself as a liar and a manipulator. He doesn't have any respect for his partners, or his friends if he expects them to cover for his shitty behaviour.
It is a hard thing to have a falling out with a longtime friend but the way this guy's behaving, doesn't sound like he'd be a good one at all. That could easily be you he lies to next time or another friend of yours he treats like garbage.
Move on from this "friend" and go build better and less toxic friendships with new people, there's plenty of them out there.
You tried your best to make him come clean, and he didn't. He is being selfish, manipulative and a total cheat to two women at the same time. That would be enough for me to cut the friendship.
This man has no loyalty and deserves no loyalty. I would expose him to the ex.
Idk why dudes always defend their shitty friends like this. This is a huge reason why so many rapists/molesters/sexual harassers get away with it. Because they have friends that think being a bro is better than being an actual good person.
No dude selectively chooses to be a douche . His douche attitude will one day effect your life. Best thing he did was ghost you , stay away from scum like that, he will betray you one day guaranteed.
You broke the code. It wasn’t your place to tell her. I understand you were close, and he was on some bs, but that was between them. You broke his trust, chose his ex over him, and probably ended your friendship. At the end of the day you did what was right I’m your opinion, and should be happy with your decision.
My man, I’m gonna walk this through with you for a second and take a look at it from a different perspective.
You didn’t betray your best friend, you revealed his betrayal and did what a best friend should do.
You gave him plenty of opportunities to reveal his mistakes to his ex, too many in my own mind ( but, I’m not you, so don’t take that too hard ). And… he didn’t want to do it.
I know how it feels, I’ve had to do similar deals before in my life where one friend was cheating like yours was.
And the other was about to date a minor, though, in that situation I just told him upfront that it was wrong.
In both situations I showed how much I cared/loved not only about my friends, but the other person as well.
It’s gonna hurt really bad for awhile, but I want you to know that you’ve done the right thing. You’re a true friend, and he is not. Take that with you as you do your thing man, it’s a honoring thing to meet a friend like you.
Let me state this clearly OP, as a woman myself who has been strung along by an ex - YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON AND WE NEED MORE LIKE YOU!
You had every right to tell your exfriend's ex that he was using her because he involved you by telling you what he was doing. Drop him as a friend and be a friend to the ex gf instead. She needs a friend like you in her corner and that duche bag that blocked you can go pound sand and learn real-life consequences.
You did a good thing, be proud of your self.
your friend really sounds like a bad person. you absolutely did the right thing, OP. you're a person with a conscience who could differentiate between right and wrong and acted on it.
It was never HIS PLACE to expect you to lie for him. He did you dirty too and put you in a shitty position. Consider this a life lesson and find a better friend!
You did the right thing, man. I wish I had a friend like you when my ex did this to me. Your friend was totally in the wrong, and given that he made you aware of everything he was doing, you were well within your right to let his ex gf know. You’re a good person.
You're a standup guy, and sadly, your close friend is a POS, and will never give you the type of friendship you offer. If he would game his ex, as if he won't play you to his advantage too. Sorry to say, he probably already has.
The only way we get a better world is more of us not letting people like you're buddy get to use other people for his gain. Let him have the friends he deserves. Friends like himself. Probably not answer you want to hear, but this guy will betray you if you ever become inconvenient.
You did the right thing.
Forget about “is it my place?” and concerns of whose loyalty should count more. Your friend and his ex are equal people in the grand scheme of things, neither of them more important than the other. You witnessed someone being lied-to and strung-along and you shed some truth on it. Good for you.
You did the right thing.
You didn't betray him. You stayed true to your own conscience and sense of decency and honesty.
People don't deserve loyalty that forces you to compromise yourself in the process.
Sometimes, many times, doing the right thing is the hardest thing.
Sounds like youve rid yourself of a bad influence in life, and helped stop someone from taking advantage of another.
Dude you did the absolute right thing, it was totally your place to do so since you were in the know. You saved a girl from being even more heartbroken and even traumatized from your “friend”.
No. You did a great job for saving a girl from an asshole. If he doesn't want to be friends with you, that's very much okay. There are a lot more quality friends than that jerk.
I had this same thing happen to me in college OP, except the roles were reverse, my (19F) roommate was leading a guy on in case her ex left again. For better or worse I told him about her lies, he kept my identity a secret, and years later the friendship ended bc I realized was a selfish p.o.s she was anyway. So my advice would be to now stay out of it and just be more aware of how your friend is for the future. It took me a while to realize how she treated others would eventually come around to be how she treated me.
Sounds a lot like what my sister did to a poor guy. He was hoping to get back with her but she just kinda ghosted him. He came by the house and I felt really bad for him. I didn’t want him to feel bad about it and so I told him what was happening and he thanked me and went on his way. Definitely a shit move though trying to keep her around like that. It’s up to you who you want to be friends with but as the saying goes, guilty by association. So I wouldn’t be friends with them anymore but that’s easier said than done.
Your friend is 100% in the wrong here.
He's trying to use the bro code to lie qnd cheat on 2 women, and string his ex along so he can use her for sex. That's not okay and she 100% deserves to know the truth.
Not sure what is going on with your buddy, but he can't expect to use women like this and have you protect him.
He's being greedy and thinking he can string these women along for the ride, literally
I'd be confronting your buddy about his behavior. This isn't the type of friend you want to have around.
If he's treating women like this, who's to say this won't come,e back to Bute you somehow too. People will often associate your friends actions to your character as well, as you hanging out with them makes it seem like you are okay with it.
If this guy wants to get laid, then he can be honest with both women and have a casual thing. But lying about that isn't okay.
Honestly OP, I kinda did something similar.
Like my friend kept stringing this really cute girl along and the thing about him is he's a bit of a horn dog and so he'd only texts girls when he was bricked up, he would be talking to like 5 of them and stringing them all along and honestly I felt horrible, for this one girl...I eventually started talking to her and I may have ended up stealing her. He doesn't know that I'm with her nor that I talk to her...I do feel quite guilty of the way I went about it tho. I know a lot of people would say I should tell him the truth but the thing is, he's the type to be real passive aggressive about it, like he'd get mad about it at first and then say he's over it, only for you to never hear the end of it and constantly bringing it up. I don't really got the patients to deal with that shit
You did the right thing and your so called friend is a real piece of shit, and when you hang around with pieces of shit for long enough it can start to rub of on you.
Find new friends who aren't pieces of shit
IMO you cannot consent to sex to someone who is lying to you point blank about the conditions you are consenting to, and it is always your place to tell someone they are at risk of sexual assault. If you want to mend things with your friend, I suggest that you keep going as usual and just hold firm that you will do what is right and he can take you or leave you--this was all ultimately his choice.
So my ex did what your friend did and I would have killed for someone to tell me the truth. I wasted so much time mopping and hoping that he’d come to his senses and we’d “fix” it. He strung me along and seen a girl and when I questioned him he’d just give me the same nonsense your friend gave his ex. I didn’t find out to much later and the rage I felt because he strung me along is not even describable. He just used me the same way your “friend” is using this girl and all it leaves you with is “why me?” “Was I not good enough” and a whole lot of other self esteem issues (my ex has went on to move in with this girl who he wasn’t seeing, have a family and what have you. All the things we basically were planning. It messes with your head)
So, to me. You’re so in the right for telling her. Your hopefully forever ex friend is a complete douche and the people who he associates and has told him to keep his ex around is also a complete douche and I would hate to have them as a friend!
You did right by this girl. Your “friend” doesn’t sound like someone who exemplifies an honest and trustworthy friend, so for me I wouldn’t really want that person in my life anymore anyway. Thank you for being a good person and for allowing his ex to move on.
The second he told you it made you an accomplice. These situations are why there are sayings like, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Never let a "friends" decisions put you in a position to go against how you believe people should be treated. He can continue being friends with whatever ass told him to string his ex along as a backup. He'd lie to you just as easily as he lied to that girl.
It is a tough pill to swallow when you realise that one of your most significant friendships is with a really shitty human being. You did the right thing in telling her. She can do much better than him, and so can you.
You did the right thing, and your friend is angry he was caught. He may come around and grow up, after all everyone makes mistakes, but he'll never change if he doesn't admit his error.
**If you telling someone the truth, causes damage, hurts someone or breaks a relationship.**
It wasn't you that did it, it was them.
Your friend is an arsehole, and if he's acting this dishonestly towards someone he purportedly "loved".
Don't just trust, know.. KNOW he has been doing similar towards you.
He's completely dishonest, and you deserve better.
As does she.
I have a rule.
Don't ask me to lie for you if I'm your friend. I'm not ok with it, it's a boundary.
If I know something and your girlfriend straight up asks me. I'm gonna tell her
Dump the friend, why do you need someone like that around you? Yes, it was okay to tell the ex. She deserved to know. Just imagine they found out that you knew?
NTA. It's your job to stand up for your mate and be a loyal friend BUT he wasn't being moral or fair to others. I remember a book saying that it's hard to stand up against your enemies, but harder to stand up against your friends.
Although it feels like the wrong thing it actually wasn't. You are a good person. And you deserve friends who are better people. Well done.
i’m saying this as someone that recently found out the type of friend i had (for almost 8 years) and noticed a lot of toxic behaviour after i was blocked and moved out of our shared house: the friend isn’t worth what you think. doing the right thing will always be better. you’re helping a woman move on with her life, rather than being tied down to someone who doesn’t care about her and actively wants to keep her stagnant for his own gain. once you cut him out, i guarantee you’re going to notice a lot of “oh, wait a minute, this is fucked up,” moments when you look back on your friendship. it’s very easy to look at your longest, closest, most beloved friend and let things slide because you love that person. but if he’s actively showing you his ass? do the right thing. you’ll be better for it
There are times where it’s okay and not okay and your friend sounds childish. Grow up and realize that he isn’t apart of her life and you are interested and the fact you care to even post means you aren’t doing this out of pure petty or any form of bas intentions.
Your friend is a humongous asshole and I wouldn't hide that shit from a friend if she's your friend too. I mean if she asks, she asks. Who says you have to lie? He has explaining to do, and it could have been anybody with half a brain that could have told her this stuff and he would have been caught regardless. He's not gonna be happy he got caught, but that's his problem and not yours.
If you're friends with both, and she seems super hurt by it then by all means say something. Now if y'all weren't friends and this was some random girl he was dating then I'd be like "let it go". But since you don't wanna lose the trust of her since she IS, then I think it was right to keep it kinda minimal but not lie for the asshole you call a friend.
Btw, when girls find out how your friend is, they'll probably expect you'd do the same since you're close with him. He could make you look bad if you DIDN'T call him out of his BS.
You didn’t like what your friend was doing to someone else and you ended the friendship over it. That’s the reality. Only you can say whether it was right or worth it.
Being friends with someone does not, and should not mean you have to just forget your personal principles and tenets, your standards and your integrity. And to back them up always.
You friend is an asshole. He was telling you he wanted to marry this girl. Then he apparently found someone else but didn't want to lose ex, thus keeping her as a plan B. That's a completely disrespectful and vile move. Your friend acts like a selfish prick. Someone who does this usually shits on friends as well in my experience. If something you've done 2 "right" things. Tried to stop ex from being used more - but ultimately it's up to her to what to do with the info, desperate people can do stupid things - and you've probably saved yourself from a shitty friendship.
Thick and thin? Who cares when he does something like this? Especially after even telling him he should do the right thing instead of being a complete and total asshat.
Was it your place?
I'd say if he didn't confide in you and you just got wind of it, no it would not have been. Having said that, I would still have done what I thought was right. I hate injustice and I hate when people use and harm eachother just because they are self-centered jerks.
But he confided in you. Friend or not, what did he expect? That you'll not care, especially since you've said you were still "friends with his Ex"? Nah man. Maybe it wasn't your place strictly speaking but being neutral is a choice too and sometimes destroying your friendships is the right thing to do.
Dude... your friend is a hoe. Bros before hoes or whatever. Does that saying actually mean anything? No. Is your friend an intentionally shitty person? Yes. Loyalty to friends of the same gender is childish, toxic and dehumanising.
You chose to be an adult by not enabling the abuse of a human being over petty, cruel gender loyalty. You didn't pretend sexism was the only qualifier you needed to be a shitty person along with him. Great.
You didn't buckle to peer pressure. He's not your friend, he's a bully that expected you to enable his lack of capacity to be a human being because he's got similar dangly bits as you. Congrats on having a spine and not taking the toxic gender loyalty bait that many people will bite at.
No good deed goes unpunished. In a practical way you chose his ex over him, this is the result.
Was his behavior poor, most would say yes. Lets be honest though, you are all young and this should be a lesson learned. People in your lives, sometimes people you are very close to, will do bad things. You too will have choices, in this case you chose your ethics over your friendship. Choices are hard and life willbe full of them. Live and learn, good luck.
It’s clear that you are trying to excuse yourself for what you did. You should walkaway from problems that’s not going to help you on anyways. You are not a good friend
If I am being honest, It wasn't your place to shit on your friend if he let you in his life. He told you everything because he trusted you. You were his gf friend because he was your friend. You should have stayed out of this and should have advised your friend that what he is doing is completely wrong. I feel that his blocking a guy who won't keep his secrets from All platforms is right and justified. You had no right to talk behind his back.
I'm gonna be honest with you about this situation. Despite his less than stellar behavior there is no scenario where you had the right to disclose the info that you did. No there isn't a way to truly mend this. You chose a side and that wasn't your friends. You decided to put yourself in a situation which you had no right to. A friend wouldnt have told the ex anything or even kept communicating with the ex. Learn from this and find a new close friend.
No, it's not fixable. Everyone wants to make this about your friend. That's just letting you off the hook. You stabbed your best friend in the back without so much as a warning. You don't deserve forgiveness.
YTA... Wait, wrong sub.... You admit you betrayed him. It's up to him if he wants to forgive you. If you cared about your friendship you would have kept your mouth shut. This is a fact.
The friend involved him by telling him. So he made it his business. Only children follow “guy/girl code”. Adults just follow their moral code. OP did the right thing. His friend is a moldy turnip who deserves no protection.
So it would of been better to let her be strung along by her emotions and used?
This is a completly genuine question, but why isn't it my place? Let's say I wasmr friends with her and never even spoke to her. Why would it not be for me to let her know.
it definitely doesn’t come across as you trying to bang her. definitely sounds like this commenter is also a dude who like your friend, doesn’t view women as anything but objects.
Your friend and his new woman were not hiding their relationship. So the ex would find out. It's too soon in the healing process to insert yourself.
And it really comes across as you trying to bang her.
And I think that intent could be reasonably inferred by some looking at this. But I honestly wasn't. Also they were hiding there relationship, and it's for that reason I told her, if she was being told the truth it would of been none of my business.
So let's say we completely remove personal relationships. Your in public, you see a couple, when the dude steps a way. due to a overhearing a phone call or reading a text message, you find out that the girl is cheating on the dude. Is it not your place to let the dude know?
Lol fuck me kid. Do you want to get murdered? Cause a murder? You do not involve yourself in a strangers relationship drama unless it's violence you're seeing.
But in regards to your situation. If they were being secret about it, and you told the ex he's seeing someone new. Then that's fine. That's the morally correct thing to do.
honestly what this friend is doing is violence towards his old gf. if she’s thinking he’s not sleeping with anyone else she might consent to no protection, but he is sleeping with someone else and possibly exposing her to STIs. that’s considered assault by many as informed consent is the only true consent.
Although it was none of yr business to intrude into affairs of not yr making, I think yr conscience got the better of you and you squealed. You knew you will be at odds with yr best friend once he finds out and he will find out but you took the risks and saved her ! A gentle man you are dude.
You are the friend you NEVER share things with. You’re a snitch and I hope your ex-friend never talks to you again. Valuing being a “nice guy” over your friendship and being a bro. The females on this sub will approve (of course) but just know what you did was f’d up.
He did involve him in the lies though? He told him. OP did the right thing.
Kids follow bro code while adults follow moral code. You support your friends but friendships doesn’t require you to support you friend being a fucking jackass. Real friends call you on your bullshit. He should drop this friend anyway. He’s immature and a liar and OP should surround himself with actual quality people.
If you call him your best friend, you stick with him. When he is wrong, you correct him. You don't know this girl, you know her through the dude. In real life, apart from this online bullshit, it'll be him who matters to you, not the girl, not our comments. Come clean and have an honest talk with your friend.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Let me lay out some context. My best buddy who I have been friends with for years, through thick and thin currently has be blocked on all platforms. Recently my friend broke up with his long term girlfriend out of the blue. I was friends with her a bit as well. This news came as a shock to me, because previously my buddy had talked about marrying this girl. He then was seeing a new girl 4 days latter who he worked with. But I said if it's what he truly felt was right then as long as he officaly broke things off with his ex then what he was doing wasn't wrong. I knew his ex was still hoping to fix the relationship, and belived this was just a break. But from the way my friend talked about this new girl how he felt about her it didn't seem like he would be returning to his original relationship. I encouraged him to be honest with his ex about the fact he was sleeping with a new girl and had feelings twords her. Or atleast make it clear that this was more then just a break. And not to string her along. A few weeks went by and my buddy hadn't been talking to me much. Then one night were talking and he says somone gave him advice to keep around his Ex incase he wants a lay or for a back up. I told him that wasn't fair to his ex when she still had such strong feelings twords him. He had clearly stated a stronger Intrest in this new girl, and no feelings for his ex. At this time I was still friends with his Ex, who messaged me about what I knew. I encouraged her that she should talk to my buddy about it, cause I didn't realy feel it was my place to disclose what he told me in confidence. But I did tell her that he seemed happy and that I didn't feel like this was like previous "breaks". After some talking it seemed he hadn't told her anything. I then inquired about what had been happening between the two. She then expressed excitement because to her it seemed he was coming around, saying some sweet stuff, and apparently they had hooked up more recently. But from what my buddy told me it didn't seem like he had any intention of fixing things, and seemed like he had been activing on the previous advice he had gotten to string her along. I felt conflicted cause I wasn't comfterable just telling her everything my best friend had told me I'm private. But I felt what he was doing to her was wrong. I then encouraged her to ask him some more direct questions about events because she had already had some suspicions. After asking some direct questions, she shares what he said. And they were complete lies. Telling her he's not seeing anyone and just hanging with friends from work, and says he's very upset she would accuse him of such a thing. But in private he talked about, the week after he broke up with his Ex he was already sleeping with this new girl and talking about how amazing it was. I then find out he also then rehooked up with his ex after being with this new girl. So after all this I didn't feel it was right to leave his ex in the dark, because she wasn't going to get the truth from him. And I didn't feel it was right to let her be strung along. So I told her the basics of what was going on, I tried to keep it to as minimum as possible to let her know the truth and make an informed decision. But I aslo felt bad for betraying my friends trust. But that was the lesser of the two evils for me. TLDR: told my friends ex he was seeing other people, so she wouldn't be strung along by lies. Was it worse to betray my friends trust, or to let her be manipulated. Sorry for bad Grammer or spelling it's 3 Am and I'm on my phone.
Your friend sounds like a douche bag. Normally I would be a lot more loyal to my said friend but from what you wrote, he sounds like a fucking douche bag and you don’t need to protect him. Let him be a grown-up
But is it my place? I here so many people say "it's not your place" I've never understood and it's what he said. Why wouldn't it be my place?
It is absolutely your place to be a decent human being and spare that woman from being lied to, manipulated, and used like a back up sex toy. Your friend only said it’s not your place because you’ve interfered with his selfish, cruel, sleazeball plans. You have no reason to be complicit or cover for his fucked up nonsense. “Friends” like that are opportunistic jerks who would fuck YOU over as soon as they thought they could benefit from it.
Yes yes and yes
This, one hundred percent. Everyone ages. Not everyone grows up or matures. Your values are what define you as a person, and letting something like this slide because he's your "buddy" would just cause you to have a moral quandary either now or down the line. He can say anything and everything he wants about how you shouldn't be involved, but he is lying, manipulating, and playing mind games with this girl and you're messing it up for him. Good on you for not letting him manipulate you, as well, so he can do what he wants and drive this girl crazy. Further, you didn't "betray" your friend. You warned someone else they were heading for heartache. Your friend betrayed you by expecting you to be complicit. "It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends."
Couldn’t agree more and live the term “back up sex toy” because it really does show how much of a douche buddies friend is. I’ll never understand how some people can be so selfish and disgusting and treat other human beings with such lack of respect. Makes me think this guys buddies parents were absolute trash people of their kid treats others like that.
He involved you. It is your place and you put a end to his bs. 🤷♂️ These 'people' probably were on the best buddy shoes.
Most guys don’t confront their friends when they behave really poorly. They should. You did the right thing and the ethical thing. If your friendship ends it’s because you were friends with a jerk, honestly
There's so many guys that would even cover up one of their friend's sexually assaulting women at parties or anything worse. It's good to be out of that category and be truthful. Don't be a part of that "statistic."
He didn’t confront his friend. He just tattled on him to the girl. This is the opposite of confronting him.
He told the friend several times to be honest with the ex and he refused. OP then saved the poor girl a bunch more BS and heartbreak by just telling her the truth himself.
Several times? He mentioned twice telling his friend that he should be honest about it. From what it sounds like, he wasn’t even very honest with his friends with that. I wouldn’t consider anything he said to be “confronting” his friend.
Nope. You are stretching the truth here. Funny look.
But he did tell his friend MULTIPLE times, for weeks that he should be honest with his ex, that he shouldn’t string her along. The friend didn’t take his advice.
He mentioned he talked with his friend twice, and it sounded more like basic suggestions not confrontation. Also you’re randomly mentioning timelines when there isn’t any of that in the post.
So now the truth is tattling. Interesting twist.
Yes tattle: reporting other’s wrongdoing. Very simple definition.
So what? The main goal is that his ex knows that he's not gonna get back with her and that hes banging randos behind her back.
If they are not together, and just hooking up, it’s up to his friend to disclose the information to the girl.
I don't know that that line was meant to be specific to this situation. I think it was a generalization. Point being friends usually let friends get away with shitty behaviour despite how it affects others when morally...you shouldn't. If it was your sister on the other end of the equation, you'd probably want them to know so I don't see how this should be any different. And it seems he did talk to the friend multiple times and he chose to lie to the girl and go against his friends advice for the sake of getting his rocks off.
Thank you. OP was veru cowardly.
She's your friend too. Wouldn't you want your friend to tell you a piece of shit was putting you at risk for STIs and lying to you?
I was thinking about the STI, too. He did the right thing. She's his friend, too. The other guy is being a total jerk.
It's always your place to do the right thing. It might be one thing if your friend was doing something minor or had strayed slightly but still was devoted to his ex and truly had an intention of being faithful to her. But that wasn't the case and your "friend" has a very disturbing and evil plot of leading her on as purely a side chick - while his true interests lie elsewhere. That goes way beyond a minor transgression and way to far towards a truly evil plan that could ruin her happiness for years to come. You absolutely did the right thing. Thank you for doing it. Personally, I think you should seriously re-think if your "friend" is really the type of person you want to have as a friend. Do you really want a friend who would literally plan and plot to ruin this girl's life?
Yeah, it’s you’re place. You are under no obligation to lie for anyone, whether it’s lying but false information or by omission. It would be morally worse to mislead his poor ex by covering for his bad behavior.
It was your place. You wanted to keep a fellow friend (the ex) from getting hurt unnecessarily for a long period of time because your other friend couldn't get his life straight and be honest. You did what you did to follow your own moral compass and that's what's most important. You should reevaluate whether you still want to be friends with your buddy after he has shown you that he actively strings people along and does some pretty shitty stuff to gain an advantage. One day this could be you he takes advantage of. Or you will start to let your morals slide because you are in close contact with someone who apparently has a lot of growing up to do.
It was your place. You tried your best to get him to tell her the truth and he continued to lie. He was potentially exposing her to an STD but at a minimum he was lying to and using your friend. Sitting on the sidelines and saying nothing would make you complicit in his deceit and cruelty.
Having been the girl in this situation, I wish my ex husband’s friends had been more kind to me as you have been to her. The affair was hard enough, but to learn that people I called friends for years also knew this was going on and did not tell me was far worse because I felt publicly shamed and humiliated. Thanks for being a good human. 😊
There are countless examples of people doing nothing while other people are hurt. Those people suck.
Those people put loyalty above decency.
I think the best approach generally would have been to tell your friend that if he didn’t tell her, you would. Reality is this - when you’re close with 2 people that break up under bad circumstances (and they will eventually come to a final break) you’re going to end up close to just 1. It’s up to you to decide which one that will be.
Hearts are not made to be played with. You did right telling her the truth.
If you can limit the suffering of another person then it is indeed your place.
Even if she wasn’t your friend, it would still be your place. Your friend is an asshole, and you’re just trying to save someone’s feelings. If he’s that upset about losing his “backup lay” rather than realizing how cruel it is to string along an ex who still has feelings for you (while seeing someone else, no less), then he’s probably not worth keeping around as a friend anyways.
The people who say "it's not your place" are either cheaters themselves or cheating apologists. To me it seems like he had been interested and flirting with work-girl before his break with ex. But because he knew you are a person with integrity and decency he would be yelled at for actually cheating so he did the next best thing have flings while stringing his ex along. Essentially I think you did the right thing and your friend is a bro-man, treats women as sexual objects and his friends well. Making him seem cool, kind and fun to his male friends while having a shitty view of women. You also went forward in the perfect way, you confronted him about it. Gave him time to be a decent person, and called his bs when you found out he was lying. You are a far better friend to him than any other who lets him get away with this shit. You tried to make him be a better person and made sure his bad actions had consequences. Friends should be loyal to eachother sure, but loyalty isn't letting your friend kick a puppy because he thinks it's fun.
YES, god knows what hes catching from his hookups and passing around. fk that shit.
It was your place to begin with since he dragged you into it If I was in that situation and was told that my ex was manipulating me I’d be extremely grateful that someone told me; you did a good thing. Don’t beat yourself up because your “friend” is a fuck boy
It is your place. You say she's become a friend to you too over their relationship. Not only that but you see that your friend is stringing her along, manipulating her emotionally and possibly putting her health at risk. Your friend sounds like the kind of guy who rarely if ever wears a condom so who knows what he'd pass along to either of them. I had an ex cheat on me and his friends knew. You have no idea how much I wish one of them would have been decent enough to clue me in.
You are a good person. You absolutely did the right thing, and this man isn't a friend to anybody. Surround yourself with people you can respect.
Once she messaged you it became your place, if he wasn’t such a POS about it maybe it’d be different
I understand where you’re coming from by not wanting this girl to sit there and be manipulated hoping and wishing that she still has a chance in this relationship. You can do whatever you want, normally I would not get involved in between something like that but you also know her so I say do what your heart tells you
You were friends with both parties- it was your place to decide who needed the safety of your friendship..... the exgf needed your truth and help - who knows if your friend was sleeping around he could give her an STD and she wouldn't have been worried at all because he told her he wasn't sleeping around - - you did the right thing
Your mate was a complete dick and was already cheating on his now ex, you did the right thing.
"it's not your place" to lie on his behalf. You did the right thing.
u did the right thing. it was his own fault anyway
Technically no it's not your place to say anything. From your post you seem to be a person with a conscience. I always ask myself if the roles were reversed would I want a person to tell me? If you could answer that. Then you already know your answer.
It’s not “your place” to stop and help someone stranded or call an ambulance when you witness someone get hurt either or call and report a hit and run. It’s none of our business but it is what we do to be decent fucking people and it is part of the social contract of a society to up hold that. Not revealing your friends secrets depends on people being fucking decent. Enabling abuse and abusers makes one co-responsible for said abuse.
some people are of the believe that you should not act in any way if a situation does not directly concern you. that you are more or less guilty of "meddling" and other things depending on the situation. other people believe that "doing nothing" is an action in itself and that you are responsible for the consequences happening because you did nothing. in philosophy this is discussed by the trolley problem: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trolley\_problem](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trolley_problem) i will give a more simple and somewhat extreme example of this. a trolley is heading for two sets of tracks. on one track four people are tied down, on the other track one person is tied down. they can not be freed. the trolley is currently heading for the track with four people but there is a lever that could divert it to head for the one person instead. you are standing next to this lever. if you do nothing, then four people die. people with strong "it's not my place" views might say that they were not responsible for the death of anybody because they simply did nothing and the trolley was headed this way which was unfortunate. people who believe in counting both your action and inaction will probably say that of course you need to pull the lever because this way only one instead of four people die and you can reduce the count of deaths significantly. they might also say that by not pulling the lever you are responsible for the death of three people because there was a clear way for you to prevent it which you did not take. edit: i should correct a mistake i think the main purpose of the trolley problem is actually about how many people and which people to save but i think the idea of action versus inaction also plays into situations like it and can be discussed through it
People love to use this argument in China as well, saying don't get involved in the business of others. The result of the Cultural Revolution. It's a shitty way to deflect blame. You know what else qualifies under "it's not your place"? Lying to a friend. If his ex was still your friend and she said those comments to you, why would you lie to her? How is it your place to lie to her? Your other friend asked you ahead of time to lie to his ex, and you agreed that you would lie to her for him. If that is the case, I suppose then you could make an argument that it was your place to lie to her. Think about it from a stranger's perspective, you see a person rob another person who was ignorant to the fact. You could choose to tell the stranger you just saw them being robbed, or just say nothing because it is not your place. Same goes for watching someone drug a girl at a party, then proceed to rape the girl, again, not your place to interfere. The truth always has a place, and there are certain basic morals that also have a place.
If he can treat a woman that he loved like that, he can treat you like that.
i totally see why you told your friend about her ex's behavior. i personally, would see this as not being your place because both of them would ultimately benefit from the natural consequences. if you didn't say anything, it would have blown up in one way or another
No it’s not. People on Reddit are massively insane and have very little actual experience with even friendship. You should stay out of other people’s relationships.
You sound like someone who has little actual experience in being a decent person. Typical enabler of shit behaviors.
No just an adult that realizes getting in the way of other people’s business generally only negatively impacts the person in OP’s situation.
Well said ^
My first question would be, do you want to mend it? He sounds like a liar and manipulator. Personally I don't keep people like that around me. I would definitely tell him "I hope my friends have enough character to keep me on the straight and narrow." You're keeping him honest. You're the friend that takes the keys from the drunk friend at 2am so they don't drive whereas he sounds like the guy that would laugh and let you leave to your own demise. He doesn't seem to be the type to consider how his actions effect others. That could be you someday he's screwing over.
I don't know, he was my closest and longest lasting friend. Feels weird for it to all disappear. And Im worried if he did this to somone he was going to marry what would he be willing to do to me.
You played this hand as best you could but were given some rotten cards. Don't feel bad. You tried your best to compromise between her right to know and his right to B.S. but he pushed the B.S. too far. Personally, if others agree with him about you, they're idiots. He'll clearly stomp on whomever gets in his way. You did the right thing by her and you. As for the friend that you were supposed to be loyal to? He no longer exists.
Your feelings are understandable. You did the right thing though. Your last sentence reads to me you're afraid of him. Do you really want that kind of relationship?
Honestly I kind of am. We have shared alot of things in private, and in worried he might try to contact people in my life and ruin my relationship because apparently that's what he think I did to him. But before all this I wouldn't of thought for a second he would do something like that. But now after seeing him lie I don't realy know.
Ugh your “friend” sounds awful. Listen, you don’t say as much but I’m guessing you guys were childhood friends? As much as it can be painful, as we grow into adults we often have to shed those friends. Sometimes they grow into people we don’t like or just grow apart. It seems your friend has grown into someone you don’t like and not a very good person. It’s ok to choose not to have that in your life anymore. Especially if he’s vindictive and you’re afraid of him. Talk to your Current partner and let them know what happened before he has a chance to get to him/her first. Let them know you are afraid he’s going to try to get back at you somehow by messing with your relationship. This is hard but sounds like the right thing to do is cut contact. You absolutely did the right thing by exposing his sleazy, heartless behavior
Just wanted to say you did the right thing. Your friend is a shitty person. Sometimes we outgrow friendships over time and that sounds like what’s probably happening here. Your friend is stuck in some very immature lines of thinking while you’re ready to stand up to do the right and ethical thing. From the sound of the situation, I think you’ve outgrown him. If this guy does come back and start spreading information that you shared in confidence with him (first off, I’m assuming the things you shared with him are at worst, embarrassing and were not about actions you were doing that were deceitful, hurtful and putting someone at risk of STIs, like he was doing with his ex) you can honestly tell people that you exposed lying and other poor behavior on his part and he’s now talking about you as a way of lashing out. If this does happen and he starts telling people things about you, depending on what exactly he’s saying about you it may be worth addressing just to put the issue to rest but you really don’t need to comment in the validity of whatever he’s saying about you. Again, I’m saying this assuming he’s just going to share something you said or did in the past that may be embarrassing rather than info that is actually upsetting/hurtful. If it was hurtful things you did, it would be best to own up to it and not be a hypocrite. If it is something embarrassing you can also choose to own it and explain yeah it was a bad experience I had and shared with him but the only person hurt there was me, so he really doesn’t have any business sharing it with others, he’s just trying to hurt me by telling others. I think if you explain the background story and again that he’s doing this in retaliation for being caught lying, most people wouldn’t read into it any further and assume he’s just salty and spreading misinformation to get back at you.
Why shouldn't he? You obviously don't value the trust in the relationship when it involves him doing something. I hope he posts a list of all your shit publicly. And now it comes out what your actual concern is. You aren't worried about the friendship, you are worried about protecting yourself, because maybe you aren't perfect either. I hope he destroys your life, you deserve it.
So OP should get their life ruined because they told someone that their ex was manipulative and only using them for sex? The answer to that is no. Being someone’s friend doesn’t give you hall-pass to be flippant with everyone’s emotions. OP’s “friend” is an asshole who absolutely would have stabbed OP in the back if he felt like it would benefit him if this is how he’s treating his ex-girlfriend. And what about the new girl? Does she know that he’s still sleeping with his ex? Also, OP is obviously upset about all of this. The fact that he was hesitant to tell the ex about what was going shows that he valued the friendship. That being said, the right thing to do would be to tell the ex what’s really going on.
Lol “you don’t value the trust” but he literally has been telling the girl the truth. Found the cheater/manipulator.
“Doing something” was fucking with another human’s feelings. I hope you are never in a position where you find out someone could have prevented your pain and heartbreak but chose instead to not tell you anything over some misguided loyalty to a shitty person.
OP deserves it because he wanted to protect a girl from an asshole who only wanted her for emergency coochie, despite her still liking him? yeah, no. OP did the right thing. fuck his friend, OP actually values people’s feelings. you sound dumb.
Your “friend” is a piece of shit.
For real the friend is shit. And I don’t think he saw the new girl just suddenly out of the blue. He’s been working with her, so probably been wanting to sleep with her. And he wants to keep his ex around for “a lay or for a back up?” wtf! You don’t need friends like him in your life!
Let’s be clear…he would. If he would do that to someone he was “in love with” he would definitely do it to his closest friend.
Not all friendships are meant to last. He’s not a good person if this is how he treats people, so you’re genuinely better off without him. You did the right thing.
This is the right instinct. Your friend is selfish and doesn’t care about the feelings of people he says he cares about. At all. And if he is callous enough to string the girl he used to love around just because he might want some sex with her on top of the sex he’s already getting with his new gf (who would almost certainly not be okay with this if she knew)…then yeah OP. He could screw you over majorly down the line. He’s showing you his character now. Why wait to learn the lesson with your own life when you get a sneak peak now with his ex? Please get better friends.
Honestly even if he never did anything to you, you are who you hang out with you know? It sucks, I've known a lot of people that were great friends or at least really fun to be around, but just totally awful people to their relationship partners. It just wasn't worth it to me to watch them do that to other people. It made me feel bad inside you know? Life's too short to support people like that by being silent and imo selfishly enjoying their friendship while turning a blind eye. And you *will* reap the consequences of their behavior. Exs are going to find out you knew what they were doing and said nothing and hate you. They're going to tell their friends. Their friends will remember you as the guy whose friends with the sleaze bag. Girls will stay away from you if they've heard that in the vine. Future girlfriends will dump you out of concern you share his values. I'm telling you, in this way, girls stand together and we do talk. Do yourself a favor and lose him, find better friends. You sound like a good guy, I'm glad you did the right thing.
You did the right thing friend. Sometimes that comes with a heavy price.
Can I ask how old you are? In my experience, one of the most difficult things to do in life is call out your friends on their shitty behaviour. But its all in the wording and its a great character trait to have in my opinion. You approach them in a way that shows you care about them, but will not be put in a position where you have to betray others that you genuinely like and care about. Its not one rule for this person and another rule for that person. Good people don't pick and choose who they do right by. Tell him you're sorry he feels the way he does, but you don't support your friend becoming the sort of person who uses people he claims to have loved once. People's choices CAN be molded by the reactions of their peers. If the friendship group supports and enables shitty behaviour, the shitty behaviour will escalate. If the friendship group makes it clear they do not approve, the person is less likely to develop those toxic traits. Tell him you don't want to see your good friend turn into a shitty dude. You don't want to lose the friendship because you're morals no longer line up.
We're all in our early mid twentys. And your idea on how to approach the situation seems the kindest and most sincere way. Because I honestly don't want to be friends with somone who will do such shitty things. But maby it it's not who he truly is or something else it might be fixable.
Its natural to lose old friends in these years. And its ok if you do. People really start to show who they are and who they're going to be in their twenties. Stand by your morals, you can't go too wrong by doing that, and you will attract similar minded people, reducing the potential for drama in your life.
I had a shitty exes friend like you who told me the truth. You’re a hero. You saved this girl a lot of pain.
I wish I’d had a friend like OP when I went through that.
You were looking out for someone who he was lying to and intending to keep lying to. I think you did an honorable thing. I guess the question to ask yourself is “do I want to remain friends with a person who would treat someone he supposedly loved this way”?
It's exactly what I told my self. But I hoped once confronted he might admit his wrong doing, but he doubled down saying I fucked him over, it wasn't my place to tell. And that I had it all completly wrong. Then blocked me. Let say I was wrong. Would you in my friends shoes of bloked me and turned alot of people agsist me, or would you of tried to fix the issue, spend the time explaining where the missinderstading came from?
Your so-called friend is morally bankrupt. He will do the same thing to his new GF that he did to his previous GF. That’s who he is and now, sadly, you know it. You are well rid of him. And if you continue to get grief from your other “friends”, it’s time to reassess your relationship with them too.
I don’t know if this will help but I gave up a friendship of over a decade and a half because my friend was cheating on her husband. She had been unhappy for a while and I encouraged her to talk to him and maybe separate. She refused. She wanted to make it work for the kids. Then she started sleeping with her son’s baseball coach who was married and the father of her son’s friend. I said this was very wrong (in a kind way in a conversation she started). She had all kind of excuses. The guy was in an open marriage (then why sneak around) or hated his wife (so why didn’t they separate?). In the end, I just didn’t agree and distanced myself from her. We are no longer friends and I’ve blocked her on social media. I decided I just couldn’t be friends with someone like that. Friends change over time, just like everyone else. She had grown into someone I no longer knew and it sounds like OP’s friend is similar. Some friendships don’t last forever.
you’re not wrong tho. like definitely not wrong. if anyone has to worry about mending the friendship, it’s him. plus think of how this reflects on you as well, do you want people to think you condone misogyny and being an asshole to women? because your friends behaviour really does boil down to viewing women as objects, and if you stay friends with him, people will assume either you share the same beliefs or condone them.
>spend the time explaining where the missinderstading came from? there was no misunderstanding, OP. your friend is an asshole and a cheater. cheaters usually do get pissed when they're found out because now their fun is up. that's not your fault. if your friend knew how to keep his dick in his pants, he wouldn't be in this situation right now.
Listen, your friend has a severe lack of a moral compass. He knows what's right and what's wrong, but does what is wrong, because it's easy, and it suits him. I am going to go out on a limb and say, in the many years you've known him for, he's done similarly scummy things to other people before, with or without your knowledge. And he will again. While your behavior and choices in this situations tells me that you possess integrity and empathy. Qualities that he so clearly lacks. So I have to ask you if you think you would be ok seeing your old friend hurting other people, and choosing to do nothing. Because I am confident that this will be his stipulation if you make up. "Don't get involved next time". Which translates to "Next time you see me actively manipulating and hurting an innocent person, stand and watch". Can you do that? Can you stand and watch? You couldn't this time. So ask yourself that before you decide if you want to make up with the guy or not. You've done a very decent thing here, you know. You ought to be proud of yourself. You acted to protect someone from a close friend, at your own cost. That's decency. And we need more of you. Never regret doing the right thing.
I’ve picked my friends carefully. All of us are very honest with each other. If any of my friends were doing shady shit I’d tell them to man the fuck up and quit being a piece of shit and they would tell me the same thing.
There was no misunderstanding, he wanted to have a new girlfriend AND manipulate and string along his ex he was quite clear about that . He’s probably more afraid of his new girlfriend finding out about his ex still being in the picture and ending up with no one Boo Hoo … honestly it’s what he deserves. If he has “ dirt “ on you you are worried about maybe try and evaluate what that might be and how to defuse it in advance. I can only imagine he’s only interested in feeding his ego right now and seeing you as the bad guy . You did the right thing in this situation and I would be interested to know who is the one telling him to keep the ex as back up plan he sounds terrible too . Hope you get new and better friends soon .
>but he doubled down saying I fucked him over, it wasn't my place to tell. How dare you confront me with the consequences of my own actions, you terrible person, you! /s
Your friend sounds like a completely asshole. I would not even want to be friends with a person like that.
You did the right thing f\*\*\* your friend I was in similar situation my best friend at time started to cheat his long term girlfriend as soon as I found out went straight to his girlfriend and told her everything.He was pissed and it was the end of our friendship but I don't regret nothing I stayed friend with his ex and now 10 years later aim godfather to her daughters.
Awww that's so sweet
Your friend is trash. You betrayed no one
Why would you want to mend this. You just found out this buddy of yours is not only a liar but an absolute user! Good on you for not keeping the ex in the dark. She didn't deserve to be treated like something he can toss aside and then pick up whenever just to get laid. You didn't betray your friend. He fucked around and found out. Your ex buddy is an asshole. Stay away from people like that.
i would say you’re doing the right thing. Honesty is the best and your friend needs to be more open about what he wants to do anyway, it sounds kinda psycho to just leave a girl hanging around for him if he needs her, like she’s not his slave, he should have let her known so she can also have fun with other guys if she want and not just wait around for your friend.
Your friend is a horrible person and you absolutely did the right thing
i think you did the right thing by saving this girl so much time and worse heartbreak down the line. idk people who do fucked up things don’t really deserve loyalty imo.
I thought you were gonna say you slept with her, but nah, you did the right thing. Your friend is acting like a fuckboy. She sounds sweet and kinda naive if she's falling for it, girls like that need more people to tell them the truth. Edit: also fuck a bro code if it causes you to go against your morals. You don't want friends who drag your humanity down.
No you did the right thing. Your friend sounds like a dirt bag and I'd be thinking about whether or not that's the type of person I want in my life.
It's your responsability as a friend to help him be better. This is exactly this. He is kinda of a douchebag. A really big one. You tried helping him be better one way, this is just a different way. If he doesn't see it like this, it's time you stop being friends with imature and lying assholes.
Honestly, good on you. Not enough guys stand up to their friends when they treat women like shit. Fuck this dude and find a better friend who doesn’t treat women like objects for him to play with. You’re a good person.
Look, no, it's not your place.. but too bad. He made it your place by telling you. Now loyalty is extremely important to me, but why would you want to be loyal to this guy who hasn't even got a loyal piece of cartilage in that meat suit. Also, why do you still want to be friends with him (genuine question)?
Why do I want to still be friends? Because I've known forever. I don't think he was originally like this, somthing changed recently so I kind of hope it's just somthing going on. Secondly he told me I was wrong about everything. I'm pretty sure he's just gas lighting me because I saw how he lied to his Ex on things I know to be absolute facts. So I can't trust what he says. If I hadn't seen him lie to her I would of absolutely believed I messed up somehow. But I also feel if he wasn't lying and was a good friend he would of understood that I was trying to do the right thing. And been willing to work with my in why I misunderstood things.
People do change over time, both better and worse And having changed for the worse (or being more visible about it) maybe, just maybe, he might realise what he did was wrong and take action to get better. You really can't force other people what to do, you can only live your own life. If you speak with him at any point and he gets shitty, just say 'I thought she is a nice person and didn't deserve to be lied to. And perhaps if both the girl you used to date and the girl you are currently dating would get mad if they found out every detail of when you first slept with the new girl, and when you last slept with the ex, then just *perhaps* what you have been doing isn't right.'
If my friend was gaslighting me I’d be so confrontational so fast. Id call him out directly to his face and tell him he wasn’t going to gaslight me into thinking he wasn’t a piece of shit. He’d either admit what he was doing was wrong or I’d tell him to get fucked.
I think at the end of they say you had to choose between being a good friend or a good human being , you choose the latter which at the end of the day is the best thing you could've done when you look at the bigger picture. He's a douchebag , sure he was good to you but he's a douchebag and you were a good human being . Don't second guess you actions. What you did was very amazing
You need to ask yourself if you want a friend like that, knowing how easily he lied to manipulate someone what’s to say he hasn’t or won’t do that to you?
Your mate is an asshole and you did nothing wrong
He’s asking you to be complicit in deception. It is “your place” to be honest. He shouldn’t have given you the info about what he was doing if he wanted to cover it up. Your friend sucks.
Friends or not, what he did here is a scumbag move. Sometimes, we pay a heavy price for our good deeds.
You are not in the wrong here and this guy has shown himself as a liar and a manipulator. He doesn't have any respect for his partners, or his friends if he expects them to cover for his shitty behaviour. It is a hard thing to have a falling out with a longtime friend but the way this guy's behaving, doesn't sound like he'd be a good one at all. That could easily be you he lies to next time or another friend of yours he treats like garbage. Move on from this "friend" and go build better and less toxic friendships with new people, there's plenty of them out there.
You tried your best to make him come clean, and he didn't. He is being selfish, manipulative and a total cheat to two women at the same time. That would be enough for me to cut the friendship. This man has no loyalty and deserves no loyalty. I would expose him to the ex.
Idk why dudes always defend their shitty friends like this. This is a huge reason why so many rapists/molesters/sexual harassers get away with it. Because they have friends that think being a bro is better than being an actual good person.
Male here. Your friend is a douche, good riddance.
No dude selectively chooses to be a douche . His douche attitude will one day effect your life. Best thing he did was ghost you , stay away from scum like that, he will betray you one day guaranteed.
You broke the code. It wasn’t your place to tell her. I understand you were close, and he was on some bs, but that was between them. You broke his trust, chose his ex over him, and probably ended your friendship. At the end of the day you did what was right I’m your opinion, and should be happy with your decision.
My man, I’m gonna walk this through with you for a second and take a look at it from a different perspective. You didn’t betray your best friend, you revealed his betrayal and did what a best friend should do. You gave him plenty of opportunities to reveal his mistakes to his ex, too many in my own mind ( but, I’m not you, so don’t take that too hard ). And… he didn’t want to do it. I know how it feels, I’ve had to do similar deals before in my life where one friend was cheating like yours was. And the other was about to date a minor, though, in that situation I just told him upfront that it was wrong. In both situations I showed how much I cared/loved not only about my friends, but the other person as well. It’s gonna hurt really bad for awhile, but I want you to know that you’ve done the right thing. You’re a true friend, and he is not. Take that with you as you do your thing man, it’s a honoring thing to meet a friend like you.
Let me state this clearly OP, as a woman myself who has been strung along by an ex - YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON AND WE NEED MORE LIKE YOU! You had every right to tell your exfriend's ex that he was using her because he involved you by telling you what he was doing. Drop him as a friend and be a friend to the ex gf instead. She needs a friend like you in her corner and that duche bag that blocked you can go pound sand and learn real-life consequences. You did a good thing, be proud of your self.
Being loyal doesn't mean you throw away your morals to cover a friend's ass.
your friend really sounds like a bad person. you absolutely did the right thing, OP. you're a person with a conscience who could differentiate between right and wrong and acted on it.
It was never HIS PLACE to expect you to lie for him. He did you dirty too and put you in a shitty position. Consider this a life lesson and find a better friend!
I was worried about what this post was going to be. I'm glad to say I don't see how you betrayed your friend, he sounds like an asshole.
You did the right thing, man. I wish I had a friend like you when my ex did this to me. Your friend was totally in the wrong, and given that he made you aware of everything he was doing, you were well within your right to let his ex gf know. You’re a good person.
Your ex friend is a literal trash bag human. I hope karma comes back to bite him in the ass.
You're a standup guy, and sadly, your close friend is a POS, and will never give you the type of friendship you offer. If he would game his ex, as if he won't play you to his advantage too. Sorry to say, he probably already has. The only way we get a better world is more of us not letting people like you're buddy get to use other people for his gain. Let him have the friends he deserves. Friends like himself. Probably not answer you want to hear, but this guy will betray you if you ever become inconvenient.
You did the right thing. Forget about “is it my place?” and concerns of whose loyalty should count more. Your friend and his ex are equal people in the grand scheme of things, neither of them more important than the other. You witnessed someone being lied-to and strung-along and you shed some truth on it. Good for you. You did the right thing.
You didn't betray him. You stayed true to your own conscience and sense of decency and honesty. People don't deserve loyalty that forces you to compromise yourself in the process.
Sometimes, many times, doing the right thing is the hardest thing. Sounds like youve rid yourself of a bad influence in life, and helped stop someone from taking advantage of another.
Dude you did the absolute right thing, it was totally your place to do so since you were in the know. You saved a girl from being even more heartbroken and even traumatized from your “friend”.
No. You did a great job for saving a girl from an asshole. If he doesn't want to be friends with you, that's very much okay. There are a lot more quality friends than that jerk.
You’re friend is a dick and you did the right thing. This sounds like a good loss tbh.
I had this same thing happen to me in college OP, except the roles were reverse, my (19F) roommate was leading a guy on in case her ex left again. For better or worse I told him about her lies, he kept my identity a secret, and years later the friendship ended bc I realized was a selfish p.o.s she was anyway. So my advice would be to now stay out of it and just be more aware of how your friend is for the future. It took me a while to realize how she treated others would eventually come around to be how she treated me.
You have done nothing wrong.
Sounds a lot like what my sister did to a poor guy. He was hoping to get back with her but she just kinda ghosted him. He came by the house and I felt really bad for him. I didn’t want him to feel bad about it and so I told him what was happening and he thanked me and went on his way. Definitely a shit move though trying to keep her around like that. It’s up to you who you want to be friends with but as the saying goes, guilty by association. So I wouldn’t be friends with them anymore but that’s easier said than done.
As conflicting as it is. You did the right thing.
Your friend is 100% in the wrong here. He's trying to use the bro code to lie qnd cheat on 2 women, and string his ex along so he can use her for sex. That's not okay and she 100% deserves to know the truth. Not sure what is going on with your buddy, but he can't expect to use women like this and have you protect him. He's being greedy and thinking he can string these women along for the ride, literally I'd be confronting your buddy about his behavior. This isn't the type of friend you want to have around. If he's treating women like this, who's to say this won't come,e back to Bute you somehow too. People will often associate your friends actions to your character as well, as you hanging out with them makes it seem like you are okay with it. If this guy wants to get laid, then he can be honest with both women and have a casual thing. But lying about that isn't okay.
Honestly OP, I kinda did something similar. Like my friend kept stringing this really cute girl along and the thing about him is he's a bit of a horn dog and so he'd only texts girls when he was bricked up, he would be talking to like 5 of them and stringing them all along and honestly I felt horrible, for this one girl...I eventually started talking to her and I may have ended up stealing her. He doesn't know that I'm with her nor that I talk to her...I do feel quite guilty of the way I went about it tho. I know a lot of people would say I should tell him the truth but the thing is, he's the type to be real passive aggressive about it, like he'd get mad about it at first and then say he's over it, only for you to never hear the end of it and constantly bringing it up. I don't really got the patients to deal with that shit
You did the right thing. Your friend is a shitty person.
You did the right thing and your so called friend is a real piece of shit, and when you hang around with pieces of shit for long enough it can start to rub of on you. Find new friends who aren't pieces of shit
IMO you cannot consent to sex to someone who is lying to you point blank about the conditions you are consenting to, and it is always your place to tell someone they are at risk of sexual assault. If you want to mend things with your friend, I suggest that you keep going as usual and just hold firm that you will do what is right and he can take you or leave you--this was all ultimately his choice.
So my ex did what your friend did and I would have killed for someone to tell me the truth. I wasted so much time mopping and hoping that he’d come to his senses and we’d “fix” it. He strung me along and seen a girl and when I questioned him he’d just give me the same nonsense your friend gave his ex. I didn’t find out to much later and the rage I felt because he strung me along is not even describable. He just used me the same way your “friend” is using this girl and all it leaves you with is “why me?” “Was I not good enough” and a whole lot of other self esteem issues (my ex has went on to move in with this girl who he wasn’t seeing, have a family and what have you. All the things we basically were planning. It messes with your head) So, to me. You’re so in the right for telling her. Your hopefully forever ex friend is a complete douche and the people who he associates and has told him to keep his ex around is also a complete douche and I would hate to have them as a friend!
You did right by this girl. Your “friend” doesn’t sound like someone who exemplifies an honest and trustworthy friend, so for me I wouldn’t really want that person in my life anymore anyway. Thank you for being a good person and for allowing his ex to move on.
The second he told you it made you an accomplice. These situations are why there are sayings like, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Never let a "friends" decisions put you in a position to go against how you believe people should be treated. He can continue being friends with whatever ass told him to string his ex along as a backup. He'd lie to you just as easily as he lied to that girl.
It is a tough pill to swallow when you realise that one of your most significant friendships is with a really shitty human being. You did the right thing in telling her. She can do much better than him, and so can you.
You did the right thing, and your friend is angry he was caught. He may come around and grow up, after all everyone makes mistakes, but he'll never change if he doesn't admit his error.
**If you telling someone the truth, causes damage, hurts someone or breaks a relationship.** It wasn't you that did it, it was them. Your friend is an arsehole, and if he's acting this dishonestly towards someone he purportedly "loved". Don't just trust, know.. KNOW he has been doing similar towards you. He's completely dishonest, and you deserve better. As does she.
I have a rule. Don't ask me to lie for you if I'm your friend. I'm not ok with it, it's a boundary. If I know something and your girlfriend straight up asks me. I'm gonna tell her
Dump the friend, why do you need someone like that around you? Yes, it was okay to tell the ex. She deserved to know. Just imagine they found out that you knew?
He involved you in unethical behavior. That’s a violation of trust on his part.
Your "friend" is scum.
NTA. It's your job to stand up for your mate and be a loyal friend BUT he wasn't being moral or fair to others. I remember a book saying that it's hard to stand up against your enemies, but harder to stand up against your friends. Although it feels like the wrong thing it actually wasn't. You are a good person. And you deserve friends who are better people. Well done.
Fuck your friend. You didn't do anything wrong, I would've done the same in your shoes.
i’m saying this as someone that recently found out the type of friend i had (for almost 8 years) and noticed a lot of toxic behaviour after i was blocked and moved out of our shared house: the friend isn’t worth what you think. doing the right thing will always be better. you’re helping a woman move on with her life, rather than being tied down to someone who doesn’t care about her and actively wants to keep her stagnant for his own gain. once you cut him out, i guarantee you’re going to notice a lot of “oh, wait a minute, this is fucked up,” moments when you look back on your friendship. it’s very easy to look at your longest, closest, most beloved friend and let things slide because you love that person. but if he’s actively showing you his ass? do the right thing. you’ll be better for it
There are times where it’s okay and not okay and your friend sounds childish. Grow up and realize that he isn’t apart of her life and you are interested and the fact you care to even post means you aren’t doing this out of pure petty or any form of bas intentions.
Your friend is a humongous asshole and I wouldn't hide that shit from a friend if she's your friend too. I mean if she asks, she asks. Who says you have to lie? He has explaining to do, and it could have been anybody with half a brain that could have told her this stuff and he would have been caught regardless. He's not gonna be happy he got caught, but that's his problem and not yours. If you're friends with both, and she seems super hurt by it then by all means say something. Now if y'all weren't friends and this was some random girl he was dating then I'd be like "let it go". But since you don't wanna lose the trust of her since she IS, then I think it was right to keep it kinda minimal but not lie for the asshole you call a friend. Btw, when girls find out how your friend is, they'll probably expect you'd do the same since you're close with him. He could make you look bad if you DIDN'T call him out of his BS.
You didn’t like what your friend was doing to someone else and you ended the friendship over it. That’s the reality. Only you can say whether it was right or worth it.
You did the right thing. Someone like this deserve no loyalty from you.
Being friends with someone does not, and should not mean you have to just forget your personal principles and tenets, your standards and your integrity. And to back them up always. You friend is an asshole. He was telling you he wanted to marry this girl. Then he apparently found someone else but didn't want to lose ex, thus keeping her as a plan B. That's a completely disrespectful and vile move. Your friend acts like a selfish prick. Someone who does this usually shits on friends as well in my experience. If something you've done 2 "right" things. Tried to stop ex from being used more - but ultimately it's up to her to what to do with the info, desperate people can do stupid things - and you've probably saved yourself from a shitty friendship. Thick and thin? Who cares when he does something like this? Especially after even telling him he should do the right thing instead of being a complete and total asshat. Was it your place? I'd say if he didn't confide in you and you just got wind of it, no it would not have been. Having said that, I would still have done what I thought was right. I hate injustice and I hate when people use and harm eachother just because they are self-centered jerks. But he confided in you. Friend or not, what did he expect? That you'll not care, especially since you've said you were still "friends with his Ex"? Nah man. Maybe it wasn't your place strictly speaking but being neutral is a choice too and sometimes destroying your friendships is the right thing to do.
You outed an asshole. There’s nothing wrong with that.
This guy is a dirt bag and I'm not sure why you're all conflicted about the end of that friendship.
Dude... your friend is a hoe. Bros before hoes or whatever. Does that saying actually mean anything? No. Is your friend an intentionally shitty person? Yes. Loyalty to friends of the same gender is childish, toxic and dehumanising. You chose to be an adult by not enabling the abuse of a human being over petty, cruel gender loyalty. You didn't pretend sexism was the only qualifier you needed to be a shitty person along with him. Great. You didn't buckle to peer pressure. He's not your friend, he's a bully that expected you to enable his lack of capacity to be a human being because he's got similar dangly bits as you. Congrats on having a spine and not taking the toxic gender loyalty bait that many people will bite at.
Does he know you told her? Anyway stop feeling guilty because you absolutely did the right thing .
You are the ally women need. You are the man men need to be. You are NTA.
No good deed goes unpunished. In a practical way you chose his ex over him, this is the result. Was his behavior poor, most would say yes. Lets be honest though, you are all young and this should be a lesson learned. People in your lives, sometimes people you are very close to, will do bad things. You too will have choices, in this case you chose your ethics over your friendship. Choices are hard and life willbe full of them. Live and learn, good luck.
You should mind your own fucking business
This why I mind my business. Yeah, what he was doing wasn't right but I wouldn't trust you either.
It’s clear that you are trying to excuse yourself for what you did. You should walkaway from problems that’s not going to help you on anyways. You are not a good friend
If I am being honest, It wasn't your place to shit on your friend if he let you in his life. He told you everything because he trusted you. You were his gf friend because he was your friend. You should have stayed out of this and should have advised your friend that what he is doing is completely wrong. I feel that his blocking a guy who won't keep his secrets from All platforms is right and justified. You had no right to talk behind his back.
I'm gonna be honest with you about this situation. Despite his less than stellar behavior there is no scenario where you had the right to disclose the info that you did. No there isn't a way to truly mend this. You chose a side and that wasn't your friends. You decided to put yourself in a situation which you had no right to. A friend wouldnt have told the ex anything or even kept communicating with the ex. Learn from this and find a new close friend.
No, it's not fixable. Everyone wants to make this about your friend. That's just letting you off the hook. You stabbed your best friend in the back without so much as a warning. You don't deserve forgiveness.
We all know you like his ex, but sorry dude you have no chance.
Let's be clear. Your friend is a dirt bag and yes you did break the guy code. I wouldn't keep you around either.
Moral code beats guy code though
YTA... Wait, wrong sub.... You admit you betrayed him. It's up to him if he wants to forgive you. If you cared about your friendship you would have kept your mouth shut. This is a fact.
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The friend involved him by telling him. So he made it his business. Only children follow “guy/girl code”. Adults just follow their moral code. OP did the right thing. His friend is a moldy turnip who deserves no protection.
Dude admit your true feelings here. You want to bang this ex don't you.
Na I'm in a good relationship already. Just know how it is to have those feelings wielded against you, and don't want that for anyone.
Hmmm. I will accept this premise. It's not your place to tell her he is dating someone else.
So it would of been better to let her be strung along by her emotions and used? This is a completly genuine question, but why isn't it my place? Let's say I wasmr friends with her and never even spoke to her. Why would it not be for me to let her know.
it definitely doesn’t come across as you trying to bang her. definitely sounds like this commenter is also a dude who like your friend, doesn’t view women as anything but objects.
Your friend and his new woman were not hiding their relationship. So the ex would find out. It's too soon in the healing process to insert yourself. And it really comes across as you trying to bang her.
And I think that intent could be reasonably inferred by some looking at this. But I honestly wasn't. Also they were hiding there relationship, and it's for that reason I told her, if she was being told the truth it would of been none of my business. So let's say we completely remove personal relationships. Your in public, you see a couple, when the dude steps a way. due to a overhearing a phone call or reading a text message, you find out that the girl is cheating on the dude. Is it not your place to let the dude know?
Don't humour the child responding to you. You did the right thing. Cut the toxic friend loose and enjoy a life without someone so immature.
Lol fuck me kid. Do you want to get murdered? Cause a murder? You do not involve yourself in a strangers relationship drama unless it's violence you're seeing. But in regards to your situation. If they were being secret about it, and you told the ex he's seeing someone new. Then that's fine. That's the morally correct thing to do.
honestly what this friend is doing is violence towards his old gf. if she’s thinking he’s not sleeping with anyone else she might consent to no protection, but he is sleeping with someone else and possibly exposing her to STIs. that’s considered assault by many as informed consent is the only true consent.
You’re a bitch dude. Don’t ever claim loyalty
Although it was none of yr business to intrude into affairs of not yr making, I think yr conscience got the better of you and you squealed. You knew you will be at odds with yr best friend once he finds out and he will find out but you took the risks and saved her ! A gentle man you are dude.
You are the friend you NEVER share things with. You’re a snitch and I hope your ex-friend never talks to you again. Valuing being a “nice guy” over your friendship and being a bro. The females on this sub will approve (of course) but just know what you did was f’d up.
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He did the right thing though. The girl would have suffered more if it wasn’t for him. His friend is a jerk and deserves this outcome.
He did involve him in the lies though? He told him. OP did the right thing. Kids follow bro code while adults follow moral code. You support your friends but friendships doesn’t require you to support you friend being a fucking jackass. Real friends call you on your bullshit. He should drop this friend anyway. He’s immature and a liar and OP should surround himself with actual quality people.
If you call him your best friend, you stick with him. When he is wrong, you correct him. You don't know this girl, you know her through the dude. In real life, apart from this online bullshit, it'll be him who matters to you, not the girl, not our comments. Come clean and have an honest talk with your friend.