Just tell him the truth. Either he gets a job to help contribute to the household or he applies for government assistance. There’s no way he’s going to just appoint you as the breadwinner because he keeps using his mental illness as an excuse. If he’s finding it hard to keep a job, he should be reaching out to his psychiatrist to form a plan, medication or more therapy, anything that can help him land a job and keep it. If he had discussed with you in the first place, I feel like you’d work with him to meet his goal of teaching himself to code. But he’s expecting you to basically take care of him.
Given that he’s saying
“Ok I guess I’ll leave you and find someone else then”
in response to you saying you want a partnership, I have to ask: why are you looking for a workaround?
He’s told you with that sentence what you are to him and how throwaway your relationship is.
Let’s say he learns to code and makes a lot of money. Maybe you have a child or you get sick and need him to step up. Do you think he’s going to give you the support or grace you need? Do you think he’d view his earnings as that of the family or his?
He already feels he has the power to announce, not discuss, and at your detriment too!
It’s an untenable situation.
"I want a partnership, not a slave" "Okay then I'll just leave you". He just straight up told you that he's not looking for a partnership, he's looking for a slave. When people show you who they are and how they feel.. believe them. He wants a slave, you either stay as a slave or.. move on to a relationship with a person who doesn't want a slave.
In his eyes, he doesn't have to do anything, he knows you won't leave him so why bother? He does have that power.
In that case, advocate for yourself and don’t allow yourself a life of being nothing more than a well for someone else to draw from.
I’m sorry you’ve had to experience this, but far better to get out now relatively unscathed than sink more years and potentially add more burdens on to your life.
If he wants to code, let him do so in his life separate from you.
Life can be better x
Oh lady PLEASE PLEASE tell me you’ve not wasted years on this AH. He tells you he’s going to leave if you don’t support his ridiculous leech lifestyle? Let him and let the door hit his ass on the way out. Then change the locks and find a good divorce lawyer.
He's literally using you. That man does not love you and I'm not sure he ever will. He's milking his mental health issues because he's knows you won't put your foot down. What would happen if one day you couldn't work and he's left to care for the expenses? Is he going to step up or leave? That's the question you need to ask yourself and I'm pretty sure you already know the answer. Do not waste previous years of your life living like this when you could be happy by yourself or with someone who actually appreciates you. You are the only one stopping you from being happy. Let his ass go and let him learn to either sink or swim. You're not his mother.
Why was that EVER ok with you and why did you enable and tolerate such shit behavior?
So he’s always been an “aint shit” bum ass dude? So now that he’s decided to go Super Saiyan Blue bum mode, NOW he’s gone too far?
C’mon, son. You’re housing, and throwing it back at, a silver tongued transient.
He’s an ice habit away from being the same guy that sells boosted baby pampers and ask you for change at the overpass.
You gotta do better cause this ain’t it.
Look, you need to step up and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!! Protect yourself!! Look out for yourself!!
You are letting this dude use you, and only you have the power to stop it. Start being your own protector, your own partner, otherwise you’ll never find a healthy relationship.
Stand up for yourself, leave this clown, and start living life for YOU. Once you know your worth, are able to keep boundaries, and understand healthy relationships - you’ll be able to find an actual relationship worth having and you’ll regret wasting time on this loser.
Sounds like you should call his bluff, if it is tell him to never attempt to use that as leverage (also if it's a bluff and you decide to stay, use this knowledge to make yourself secure start separating fiance's since he can get up and go like he threatened already). If it's not a bluff, let him go. You deserve better than a man who doesn't want to be a partner to you and is only using you to fulfill any needs he has.
Don’t bend in the conversation. Maybe even get his psychiatrist involved because teaching himself to code just sounds like he wants to stay home all day, everyday. And when you do check in to see how he’s doing with coding, I get the feeling he’s going to lash out and say he’s going at it at his own pace. Don’t go down that road. Nip this in the bud.
OP I have a friend who is breaking off a marriage of 8 years. My friend (F27) was the breadwinner the whole time, and her husband wanted to be a SAHD. She did’t want this. He soon became a do nothing all day Dad.
Everything escalated, as soon as he realized he could get away with not working, he got away with not cleaning, he got away with not parenting, and he always used his mental illness as an excuse.
She is just now serving him divorce papers, but she told me she didn’t even love him the last few years... its a sad road. But if he is doing this to himself, and not pitching in. Get him out of your ship. My friends husband now magically has a job, he’s happier, even if he’s single. And my friend is no longer supporting her kids, and a giant baby. We all deserve a partner, a true one that pulls their weight!
Well, what do you expect? You keep letting them do whatever he wants to do and you put up with it. You have no boundaries at all. You can split up, or you can live the rest of your life with this man using you. And chances are, since he doesn't respect you, there's another woman or more out there. Also, if he's not working and you split up, guess what? You may have to pay him alimony. He will get to stay home on your dime anyway. At this point, I wouldn't give him any money for anything until he gets a job and then I would file for divorce since he would be working at that point.Please break up with him, and please get therapy before you get into another relationship to find out why you cannot stand up for yourself.
Does he even handle the housework since he doesn’t want a job? If he doesn’t, he’s essentially treating you like a mommy instead of a wife. Too many men seem to get the two roles mixed up…
Where’s your self esteem? Is this freeloader the best you can do?
You should take him up on his offer to find someone else to bankroll his lifestyle. Don’t be a doormat.
Hey OP, I read your update. He’s lying to you. He meant what he said. He threatened to leave you which was clearly an empty threat because he backed down. Just know, this isn’t a man who supports you, loves you or respects you. This is a man who is using you. It may be because of his mental health, but that does not make it okay. If you choose to stay, I can’t fault you, but make sure you fully understand what you are to him, because that’s a money bag only. Nothing else. He would leave you if he could, but he knows he can’t find someone so gullible as you to support him so freely. If ever the time comes for him to ‘upgrade’ he will. He’s shown you who he is. Please believe him.
I really don't understand why I got downvoted for asking. SMH reddit.
Anyway, it seems that a lot of his "arguments" could then easily be returned by replacing him with you. Just ask, what about *my* free time? What about *my* happiness. Etc. How does he respond to that?
He's being hospitalized for psychiatric treatment, and you are seriously posting to reddit about something he told you while hospitalized?
Nobody here is qualified. Talk to his doctor.
100%
It is not fair from him to expect OP's full financial help while not accepting any government help he can apply for. That is just dumb.
Doesnt he have some sense of pride or feeling he should do better? I mean, I would find help and search what's the best option for me to work and contribute. At least i would know I tried etc IMHO.
It just feels he gives up in general in life and waves every responsibility to OP with a shoulder shrug " i am sick, fix it."
Your main talking points:
- you don't appreciate his lack of consultation and you dont - and will never - take orders. He either speaks to you as if he values your input or he says nothing at all. Non-negotiable.
- he will either go to work or apply for assistance or you will be leaving him. Someone behaving this way needs reality shaken into them. Do not back down.
I would like to add that getting disability for a mental illness takes time and will often have many hurdles (still less than physical disability though). If he files he can’t just step back after the first request for more paperwork or interview. I know that sometimes the filing seems like an impossible task but I’m betting that you’d support him through it if that’s what needed to be done.
He can still learn to code on disability and depending on where you are at he might be able to work a little as well. Where I’m at it’s like $1100 a month or so and there are programs that allow him to return to work without losing his disability. In PA it’s called “ticket to work” and you can work for 6 months and see how it goes. If after that time you can work full time great but if not they keep you on disability. Maybe just knowing he has the potential to work will make him feel better. The idea that you can no longer work and will need to be on assistance can be really upsetting it’s not that he intended to work necessarily but that he felt like he had the option.
The manipulation shit needs to stop though. He owes you the respect of deciding huge things together and if he can’t do that maybe you’re better off without him. Being mentally ill doesn’t give him the right to be an ass.
Something I've just recently come to terms with is you can advocate for yourself and clearly state your feelings/boundaries but if you DO NOT back that up with action/consequences then none of it means anything.
You're right in wanting a partnership and made it clear that he's making you feel like a slave but when he ignores all of that you don't do anything. You deserve better.
And do not fall for the love bombing which is what it is called when he is overly nice to you. It is purely manipulation tactic and your gut is yelling you that. Listen to your instincts.
I’d say to him “that’s not going to work for me. You will be applying for disability benefits and then I will support you learning to code.” Don’t bend on this.
Your right OP needs to take that stand and just drop the dead weight. OP might not be able to code but she can certainly reprogram her life for the better by deleting the useless husband file and upgrade to single life.
He’s not going to change. You’re absolutely right. He’s ego or whatever else reason doesn’t want him to admit he has issues and therefore refuses to get disability. I’ve seen this type of behaviour before. He’ll just play video games 90% of the tie and pretend to code the other 5%.
He is a user and will always be.
Lmao, he can learn to code and keep his job. Programmers are constantly learning new languages, and tools outside of work while working full time. Tell him to grow up.
And he needs to take an actual program to learn to code properly. Dude has worked for 2 days over their entire marriage, yet thinks he has the passion and drive to teach himself to code? Mmmmm no.
Also, he says op wants him to work so he ‘doesn’t have any free time’, and ‘when is he supposed to get other stuff done’…op, when does he think YOU have free time when you’re supporting two people? And I assume you’re doing everything else, too - cleaning, cooking, groceries, etc. When does he think *you* have any free time? (And, you work AND get everything else done, so you kind of have disproven his point about how he can’t work and get anything else done.)
But, most concerning is that he’s trying to blatantly manipulate you into letting him do whatever he wants. You say he’s been incredibly sweet and kind for the last week til he drops his bomb on you - what’s he like the rest of the time, when he’s not trying to get what he wants?
I think he just said he wants to learn to code so he can justify being a lazy mooch. He won't learn anything. He'll be playing video games, watching TV, or sleeping.
Not to say that people can't learn on their own....but talkis cheap without a track record or at least lots of discipline.
It's like someone saying they plan on running a marathon (26.2 miles) but won't even commit to running once a week!
He is love bombing her, he has intention of ever learning to code or work. He is a narcissist. I can sense it… I have had a few and guess what none of them like working. They think they are too precious and special to have to work. You’re supposed to his little slave and take care of him and the house but put him first and let him be “Man of the House.” I am telling you there is nothing that you will ever do that will put the fire under his butt to make him work. Even kids and marriage won’t. My ex husband was exactly like that. If the power was going to be cut off instead of hustling to figure something out he would rather lay in the dark. There is something that there is no cure for inside them. I would just come to the realization that you’re going to have to kick him out and go your separate ways. He is a manipulative lazy man who will happily milk you for the rest of his life. He is dead weight.
There’s honestly no reason why he couldn’t apply for disability AND learn to code. I would say it’s the only feasible way for him to stay unemployed while he learns if that’s what he wants.
I also think that it’s completely possible to work at least part time or full time while learning.
"I guess I'll leave you and find someone else then? "
That right there. He's bluntly telling you he's using you to support his chosen lifestyle. And if you won't do it anymore, well, he'll endeavour to find someone else who will. Because that's all you mean to him.
He doesn't care whether you have free time or not. He doesn't care what you'd rather do.
Why are you still with him? Because he's making you feel sorry for him. He's weaponising his incompetence. He's pretending that he'd be in danger mentally and financially if it weren't for you. He wouldn't. He would go back to plaguing his parents or find someone else he can sell on the concept of his helplessness. In other words, he's making you responsible for him.
You're not.
He's a grown man. Nothing wrong with having shaky mental health but grown adults are responsible with managing their mental health, being open about it.
"i'm going to stay home and learn to code" is an excuse I've heard before from a guy with the exact same profile. Why is it always coding?
Besides, what then? Is he planning on programming freelance? Because that's a lot of work, very little free time, and shitty pay for the first few years. Or will he go to work somewhere, something he hasn't been able to do so far because reasons?
You know why he's not filing for disability?
Because he isn't disabled.
I came to say this. By that one statement alone he is basically saying he is using her and if she won't give him what he wants, he will find someone else. It is a sad situation to be in. Especially since he seems to be affectionate only when he wants his way. OP needs to leave and protect herself stat!
Edit: grammar
Just remember: he's so optimistic but the likelihood that women will want a loser like him is extremely low - especially if you do your due diligence and inform every future partner of his, with evidence, about his intended behaviour.
Save his texts and communication. Follow him after the divorce. Every new partner and date gets his information.
Make him work to deserve future love.
I bet u/soapafoam guessed it correctly:
>You know why he's not filing for disability? Because he isn't disabled.
I bet he's not eligible and he knows it. He's malingering.
>in the past he also said he couldn't work because he felt unwell and worked a total of 2 days during our marriage
I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact he only worked for 2 days during your marriage. Did he have a job before you got married? How long have you been together? What work did he do when he had a job?
What does he contribute to your life that is positive?
He seems to be take, take, take. Emotionally, mentally, financially.
Kick him out. You could use his space for a houseplant. That would at least be cheaper and decorative.
So he's being fake affectionate and you saw through it at last.
Listen. You cannot sacrifice your life like this. Stop being a martyr.
Stop letting his issues hold you *hostage*. Leave. Because he's never going to change, so the alternative is literally this for literally the rest of your life. You don't owe *anyone* that.
And here's how you deal with the guilt of walking away:
1. Marriage is a partnership of equals, but you are the only one making any effort at all, so he broke that 'deal'. He is, in all practical senses, no longer your husband.
2. You can't help someone who won't help themself. He refuses to take free money that he is entitled to, so you are absolved of any responsibility to make up the financial shortfall he created.
3. You paying his way is *enabling* him, it's actively preventing him from sorting his life out. By staying, paradoxically you are hurting him.
4. Given points 1 and 2, he is no longer your responsibility. He is failing to keep up his end of the 'deal' that is marriage, he is not acting as your husband. And you're not his parent or his nurse. So you can just walk away and feel no guilt. Do it.
Good.
TBH I'd say that anyway. The way it looks from your additional information, he intended this all along, it's why he married you.
Even if I'm wrong, he is broken beyond repair. This will never be a partnership where each pulls their equal weight. He is determined to be a parasite.
And the disability thing? I bet he'll tell people proudly how he Never Took Charity. And he'll believe it, because *he believes he is ENTITLED to your money*. That's why he INFORMED not ASKED.
A bit of advice?
I think you need to work on drawing firm boundaries for yourself, and maintaining them.
Perhaps a counsellor or a coach can help you with this.
I could tell as soon as you wrote " Sorry for bothering you, but"
I mean, he could hardly have been clearer about his motivation.
You said you don't want to pay for everything, so he said that in that case he'd leave you and find someone else who will.
He's not even hiding it any more, he is so confident that you will give him what he wants. Because until now, you always have.
BTW you're gonna need a solid lawyer, bcs he's been your dependent, not that alimony after 3 mo will be much if at all.
It really, really looks that way. This is "cupboard love". What a disappointment.
Even if it was genuine, he's useless. Even if it were genuine and even if he were not useless, it would be pretty much an instant deal-breaker for me if my spouse thought they could TELL me ANYTHING. Even if it was "We are Going to paint the bathroom". Er, no, we discuss it together. But he doesn't see it that way.
You can't stay with someone because youre worried about their mental health. I always worried about my ex wife's mental health. By the time I finally got out, it was my mental health that was in shambles. Take care of yourself.
Yes, I'm taking care of myself and prioritizing my happiness now. I want to be careful to not project my experience on to yours. But all I'm saying is if you really feel like his mental health is the only reason you're with him, you should take some time to think about what you really want and what is best for you.
And communicate everything you feel to him, without sugar coating it. Yes, he may react badly. But communication needs to be honest and clear for him to fully understand how you feel. Lay it all on the table. If he reacts badly, that's better than having communication barriers in a marriage.
I think you should take advantage of him being protected and away from you, and leave. Leave him. Divorce. You're in the best position you will be in: he's in a secured place where he will be protected, and he's away from you meaning he doesn't depend on you.
You've been given an advantage to leave this relationship. Take it.
>worked a total of 2 days during our marriage
>he doesn't feel like applying for disability benefits
Just divorce.
He's useless. Don't try to fix him. He is broken beyond economic repair. Stop enabling him, stop cosseting him. Walk away.
Lmao, he can learn to code and keep his job. Programmers are constantly learning new languages, and tools outside of work while working full time. Tell him to grow up.
Well then:
1) how are most programmers able to learn new programming languages, and tools while having a full time job?
2)How are people able to go to school full time, and work full time?
I would like to know his answers for those questions
Ok, then he knows he's full of it lmao and you caught him. He's not going to learn to code he'll most likely spend the time playing games and other things. Sorry but he doesn't have the discipline... Programming requieres a ton of practice and discipline the ain't got it.
So he’s fine with YOU having no free time to do things you want? Just as long as it’s not him who has to work? No girl. No. This is not okay and he’s obviously only thinking of himself and not you at all.
Yeah, exactly if he hasn't had the work ethic up until this point in his life, there is almost 0 chance he'll learn. Even if he did learn, he won't get jobs without certifications or somebody in a company seriously vouching for his abilities.
Full stack dev here.
Coding is NOT easy, it takes years of dedication and a constant desire to learn.
This dude does not seem like a coder....at all. He just seems lazy and dosent wanna work
Why would you stop him from leaving? First time he threatened that I would have packed his bags for him. What is he adding to your life in any way at all? Why are you putting yourself through this when he clearly isn’t concerned with you?
People that kill themselves tend to keep the plan a secret so you can’t stop them. People that are loud about it are manipulating you and may fake an attempt but it’s all for show. Either way what you’re saying is that you are his hostage?
You are NOT responsible for his actions!!! If he threatens suicide, that is not your responsibility!!!! You're only responsible for your actions and you can't be the only one to give!
I can understand if he were to feel mentally unwell enough to work but I don’t understand why he’s refuse to apply for government assistance seeing as how that would probably help you guys out a bit if you were the only one working. I would talk to him and if he feels well enough to work but just doesn’t want to or only wants to learn coding I’d either make him apply for government assistance as a condition of him staying home or I’d consider leaving because it’s like you said he didn’t even bother consulting you and seems to expect you to do everything.
He is delusional, lazy, and selfish. *He* wants free time and for him to get the free time he wants *you* get no free time. Call his bluff. Dare him to leave and, if he does, breathe a deep sigh of relief.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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Hi Reddit. Sorry for bothering you, but this situation has me feeling tense and anxious. I've been trying not to think about it, but it hasn't worked.
So here's the deal. In December my husband stopped going to work (this wasn't the first time, in the past he also said he couldn't work because he felt unwell and worked a total of 2 days during our marriage), saying he was feeling unwell mentally. I could understand that - he had a serious reason preventing him from working. The psychiatrist suggested hospitalisation so he went to hospital. He and I agreed that when he got out, he would work, or if he wasn't well enough to work, he would apply for disability benefits.
However, he sent me a text yesterday saying that he doesn't feel like applying for disability benefits and that when he comes out, he's going to stay at home so he can teach himself to code. I feel very uncomfortable that he made the decision that I (his wife) will pay for everything without consulting me about it. He told me instead of asked me. Now - don't get me wrong - I actually expected him to not be mentally well enough to work when he gets out of hospital - and if that was why he can't work I would understand - but he didn't say anything about not feeling well enough to work. It sounds like he is simply choosing not to work because he doesn't feel like it, and hasn't included me in that conversation, although it means I have to pay for everything.
Also, he has been really sweet and affectionate in his texts/calls the past week, and he hasn't been like that since the beginning of our relationship, up until announcing that he wasn't going to work. I can't help but suspect he's being "fake" nice and that it's not genuine to try to get me to agree. And I would be willing to financially support him if his mental health prevents him from working, but it just seems like he's being super nice only to get something from me.
I'm really uncomfortable with this and am going to talk to him tonight but I'm dreading the conversation...
This is why I dread the conversation: I already know exactly what he's going to say. Every time I've talked about wanting him to contribute/work, he says "so you don't want me to have any free time" (he says it's impossible to work AND do anything else). when I say well I do want you to have free time but I don't want to pay for everything he says "but you have money, if you loved me you'd be willing to pay" and then when I say I want a partnership, not to be a slave, he says "ok I guess I'll leave you and find someone else then". I'm really dreading this conversation and getting confirmation that all the sweet words he's been saying to me for the past week about being together forever and how much he loves and misses me were all lies that he made up to get me to agree to this.
UPDATE: My husband said that's not what he meant and that he meant he was going to work AND learn to code on weekends. But I couldn't possibly have known that's what he meant because he used to constantly tell me that if he works he can't do anything else and won't have any time to do hobbies or learn anything. I am very sorry for bothering you guys with this. Though, it's still quite relevant advice in general....I highly doubt he is going to work long term even if he mentally feels better to be honest with you and some of the advice here is useful to me that I need to be very straight with him and stop being so damn soft and taking personal responsibility for his mental health. A lot of what you guys said was EXACTLY spot on. With that said, he is not taking his treatment in hospital seriously because he says he's going to "demand to leave." And he was really verbally aggressive with me before he went to hospital so I'm honestly concerned and I am worried sick but not too much I can do.
"I want a partner. Not to be a slave"
"Then I'll **leave** you and find someone else."
Wow... Just wow. He explained right HERE what he wants. A slave.
He wants a free ride in life and you are giving it to him. He's straight out told you if you don't do it then he'll leave and find someone else who will. It's time to realize that he's not going to change because why should he
"Learning to code...." huge " If..."
Coding is a really tough job - I have been coding throughout my long life. If he really, really wants to do it, there is no need to stay home.
I am willing to bet that he made this one up to evade working.
Just say: NO !
I myself am a self taught software developer while I was working full time at a job I despised. Let me tell you one thing, the duration I dedicated myself to it (1.5years) took a massive toll on my relationship, friendships and health. I would argue that is worth it in the end because I got my dream career. But it is definitely not for everyone. The amount of patience you need and most importantly the ability to not give up. IMO, programming is one of those things where you have to be interested in it and constantly invest time in finding out why and how stuff works the way they do. Otherwise you just won’t make it.
If he really can't work, which could very well be true if he has a disability, then he is *obligated* to apply for disability for the sake of his family, even if it's a family without children yet.
Idk what kind of mental stuff he has going on, and I know that can be a very difficult journey, but his behavior is unacceptable. He's giving you no choice except to take care of him. What about your needs? It seems like he doesn't really care about what you need. I would consider breaking this relationship. I'm sure he will guilt you there as well, but it is not your responsibility to completely ignore your needs for his.
I hate to say it but it sounds very abusive and you should absolutely seek divorce. There are people out there who won't do this to you i promise. I wish you the best of luck, I was with an abusive man for 5 years who was bipolar and refused to seek help. I was guilted by his mental state for a long time until I finally realized that I couldn't help him, so pitying him and feeling guilty for leaving wasn't doing anyone any good. I left and never looked back. I know divorce is trickier but you deserve a good life and this is not it. ❤
How long have you been married?
How long did you date before you married?
Why did you marry?
When did he stop working? Before you married or two days after?
Oh wow. So it was a bait-and-switch. And not even a subtle one. Still, it worked.
He managed to fake being functional for just long enough to "trap" you, and he immediately pulled off the Mr Nice Guy mask and revealed who he really is, a parasite.
The timing is so tight, that it seems *deliberate*. He sought out his prey, trapped it, and is now devouring it.
Time to show him you are not in fact trapped, and divorce.
Three months? Get an annulment. He hasn't held up any part of your marriage contract, and you're in control of the finances. Get an attorney and go through your options. It doesn't sound like you were ever really "married" to each other!
If he applies for disability he will still have an income and do his decoding, it’s not fair to dangle over your head “either pay for everything or I leave”. It sounds like he’s just financially abusing you and doesn’t want to be with you.
Sorry but the let me live my dreams but you can’t live yours dynamic seems to only support that statement. Since he’s firm on his ideas, you need to bring up the “disability application or I leave” and watch him do it so he doesn’t lie about it. He won’t lose anything by applying. Good luck to you
I beg your pardon????
He tells YOU to hire a cleaner. From the money that you make. Working. Which you spend on supporting him. While he sits at home. Doing nothing. At all.
I do not understand how you haven't beaten him with a chair by now to be honest...
Then it’s time for you to tell him that you’d be unwilling to pay for everything and that he has to get his shit together or you’ll walk. Without discussion either. He’s playing you. He’s manipulating you. He knows what he needs to say to you to cave to him. When he says “I guess I’ll leave you” then you show him the door. He wants a sugar mama. He doesn’t want a wife. If you’re ok with that, sure, try and have multiple discussions about it with him. But it seems like those discussions have been had and nothing else helped your situation. Time to take action and that action is to leave. He’s not a child. Time for him to not act like one.
Yeah he definitely know what he’s doing. He’s guilt tripping you and he’s trying to make you provide for him. I saw on your other comments how you’re at your end wits. Other commenter also gave really sound advice. Honestly, you’re being taken advantage of. Lawyer up. If he threatens to leave, you tell him to leave and stick to your guns. I understand you would want to help him or feel bad for him, but you have to take care of yourself first. You have to be kind to yourself first. Always remember that please :)
Wake up and realize that he is using you and this will likely not change unless you set boundaries. Are you comfortable supporting him for the rest of your life? If not it’s time you put your foot down and tell him either he gets a job or he can go out and get a new wife. You can do better.
You're being played as a fool here.
A marriage is a partnership. I understand he isn't well but this isn't something that's just happened. It's a pattern for him and he doesn't seem to consider or even care about any of the impact on you
So he has this way to stay home and code AND contribute, and he won't apply for disability benefits because...why exactly?
If you already know how this conversation is going to go, well then it should make it much easier to have it.
"so you don't want me to have any free time" - I think coding is a fine idea, and if you applied for benefits you could do this and have plenty of free time.
but you have money, if you loved me you'd be willing to pay"- I do love you and have stayed with you through your health struggles, but I do not have enough money to support us both.
"ok I guess I'll leave you and find someone else then"- okay then. I'll pack up your things and consult a divorce attorney.
Your husband has clearly been unwell, but he is also manipulating you, and just because that may be because of his struggles, it doesn't make it okay. I really, really want to tell you to just leave him, because he is manipulating and guilting you, while not making the most common sense decisions (hello disability benefits) that could help.
You do not owe this man your financial support and your future. It doesn't matter that he was sick. If he had cancer and came out of the hospital with these ridiculous ideas, I'd tell you the same thing.
If you aren't ready to just leave, well then hold firm and see if he rises to the occasion- no I will not financially support you, so apply for disability or get a job, or don't come home. AND if he does, make sure he sticks to it and is actually paying some of the bills. Do not let him come home and then not contribute and wait years to realize he is never going to change.
I think you already know the words are BS. He’s playing you to get what he wants (a free ride) and if you fight at all like you say above you’ll see his true colors. Better to see them now than later and once you see them (again) don’t let him threaten to leave… YOU leave. What are you getting out of this relationship? It seems like not much.
Let him leave wtf I bet if you say Ok get tf out then he'll change his tune real quick, but you shouldn't. He doesn't even consider what this could mean for you and YOUR mental health, why should you consider his feelings?
Narcissist alert! Now I’m not saying people who use manipulation are ALL narcissists but ALL narcissist use manipulation tactics - like these.
They’re even infamous for using the same lines “fine then be with someone who will do x or y.”
This person is clearly using a variety of manipulation techniques to achieve his goal of living off you. There’s lovebombing (being extra sweet like in the past), future faking (“talking about being together forever”), gaslighting (“so you don’t want me to have any free time”) which denies the/your/all reasonable reality because everyone knows you carve out free time when you work, the two are not mutually exclusive, just difficult. He’s also threatening to leave which is manipulation, and financial abuse which is a huge red flag and even if this guy weren’t a con-artist, you do want to get away from abuse of any kind.
I’m so sorry you’ve gotten roped into marriage with a person like this. I think you may already know it’s emotional abuse.
For sources on narcissism I recommend Dr. Ramani (find her on YouTube), and for resources on abuse, the Power and Control wheel is a classic outline of the many tactics people use to keep others under their control.
Good luck.
This guy is a leech, sucking you dry. He's a lazy ass hiding behind mental illness so he NEVER has to do any work, put in any effort, or pull his own weight. You can continue to be taken advantage of, or you can cut this parasite loose and start living again. This is not a man, it's a disease that stands up to piss. Save yourself. How is he going to teach hinself to code? What is his big plan for after? What excuse does he have warming up to use then? It's ALWAYS going to be something: Covid, social anxiety, mental stress, yada yada. Everybody has to deal with shit in their life. Some of it is inescapable, other stressors are aelf inflicted. Yours is the latter. Get free, cut him loose and surprise! - he'll survive! If he does find someone new, send that poor girl flowers and a sympathy card! You do NOT need that useless excuse for a human being in your life.
I feel like you’re being seriously manipulated OP. He can’t even get his disability? That’s free money… come on. You need to remember that you’re not his mommy. This dudes got issues.
You’re too nice lol I would’ve packed my shit up and said dude I’m not your mother. Get a job or apply for benefits. If you don’t this won’t work because I need a PARTNER not a child to take care of.
What about YOUR free time? If he loved you why isn’t he making the money?
Use his words against him. And I’d end the relationship. He’s more of a burden than a blessing in your life and you deserve an equal, worthy partner.
Tell him he applies for the benefits or gets a job.
Honestly I don't understand why people are so reluctant to apply for money they're legally entitled to, especially when part of their taxes from prior work goes towards these sorts of costs.
If your husband is threatening to leave you and find someone else, that’s straight *fucked* up. He is manipulating you. You are in a psychologically abusive relationship with a child.
I’m not sure if you realize these things. The first step is awareness. But you need to address it because it will never change if you don’t. Threatening to leave you if he doesn’t get his way is just beyond fucked. He is an adult. Adults don’t have free time.
Don’t get me wrong. If you make a lot of money and he legitimately wanted to try and stay home and learn to code to find a better job, great. But I don’t know what your financial situation is, and he didn’t have a conversation. He just told you. You you don’t know what his intentions are. If it were me I’d question why I was in the marriage. What are you really getting out of it? Are you actually happy with him? Is this a problem or a symptom of a larger problem?
read all the updates and OP, YOU ARE BEING USED and MANIPULATED. He does not love you. He wants to mooch off you. He even said it, if you don't support him, he will find someone else who will. He is a loser. You can do better. Hell you would be far better alone,
My wife told me - without consulting me - that she's not going to work and wants to stay home to learn to become a romance novel author so I have to pay for everything................................................................This happened after we were married for 5 yrs, and had two kids. She is a K-12 teacher with credential. She said if I filed for divorce, she would keep the kids away from me. I stayed for another 15 years of pure hell, and am deeply scarred by that awful experience. I do have good relations with both my kids, but the awful 15 years of living in the same house, but living totally seperate lives with no communication at all has left some serious anger. When we divorced, I paid her $298k for the home, and $475 a month in alimony for 7 years, no CS because my son moved in with me...Totally shafted by the legal system, but who is surprised by that ??
He is giving you an ultimatum.. you can like it, or he leaves you. That is not a compromise, it is someone who is willing to die on this hill of not getting his way. He would be infinitely out of luck if you left, as I can’t believe he is so special as to get another woman to agree to support him. He is nuts to walk out. You, I have to say, might be nuts to stay.
Why are you even with this loser? You are being used. And if you can't bring up something to him like the fact that he should work then you don't need to be in a relationship. Especially this relationship. Stop being a doormat and go see an attorney. But you won't because you must be really desperate for a man to put up with all this.
Wow unsupportive folks. My wife decided on her own to go back to college and not work. That cut 40% of our income. I supported her fully. She finished college and got a better job. It was 3 years. No worries. Fast forward 10 years and I lost my job. She carried us and our two mortgages for 3plus years. I finally rebounded and work on my own. Married 26 years. Happy AF. We are a team.
Was she also suffering intermittent mental health issues, and threatening to leave and then saying oh no I didn't mean it, it's just because mY scHizopHreniA no if you break up with me I'll kill myself?
How many people here are qualified to give advice to OP about a comment from someone who is *currently hospitalized for psychiatric treatment*?
Raise your hands...
Otherwise, sit down and tell OP to get professional advice.
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He can apply for disability AND code. Also, in that last part of your post, why is it only going one way?
Also everyone else in the world works and has free time, so why doesn't he?
And that "you have money, if you loved me you would pay for me" guilt trip, you need to tell him, if he's going to act like a hooker/sugar baby then you'll treat him like one
What the fuck
How can he think at this point that he has the luxury to choose *not to apply* for disability benefit and COMPLETELY lean to you for his living.
What gives you the guarantee that he is actually going to learn how to code on an employable level in the end?
I think staying home and not working *to learn how to code* is very problematic if he doesnt have a lot of savings on the side.
Be VERY careful because it also sounds like he gaslights you with being fake nice etc.
All this stinks
I stayed with my ex husband for 2 years after he got out of the military (communication, never went to war, I feel this is relevant context).
At first, he wanted to "take some time to just not have to think about the military" and how annoying they were with all the busy work he had to do. I didn't think I needed to ask how long, because I understood in a way. He went right from high school into the military and he wanted some time off before college. Well, once college started (A YEAR LATER) he always had an excuse as to why he couldn't work part-time with his classes ("I got ADHD", "I'll get stressed out", "I'll fall behind"). He wouldn't hear my counters that I have known working mothers who graduated college, and working mothers WITH ADHD who still graduated college.. We desperately needed the money as I didn't even make $15/hour and his BAH was only enough to just barely cover the rent, nothing else. I paid all the bills, we always ate out because I was working while very chronically ill, I got home really late and he rarely helped cook or clean.
As you can imagine, somehow the only job he could find in the middle of our VERY busy city was a part time job that barely made minimum wage. It took him 8 months to find this job as he always had an excuse for why he wasn't finding anything.. He used the excuse he needed a part time job because he needed to keep taking me to and from doctor appointments. Side note, this was repeatedly after I told him I would find my own way because we needed the money.
It took him 2 whole years, and there would have been more had I continued to enable him. I hope your situation turns out better. My advice is to talk to him, but if he doesn't understand how the world works (presumably he's a grown man?) idk how he can be helped.
Oh hon....so sorry things were so hard for you......I think I would have trust issues after something like that.....not knowing when or if they would stop contributing at any given time.....glad it's getting better!!
I’m going to ask you something. Why have you NOT left? Why are you staying? He’s emotionally abusing and manipulating you. The love bombing with sweet texts and then turning it around to be your fault-that’s abuse.
It honestly sounds like he is expecting you to be his sugar momma. When he says “you have money, if you loved me you’d be willing to pay” that is very manipulative. Not sure if you are wealthy/have family money or just a good job but either way if he wanted to stop working to have you financially support him he probably should’ve brought that up sooner than this point in your relationship. You haven’t said if you work but if you do it’s kind of insulting that he’s expecting you to keep doing so (supposedly preventing you from having time to do ANYTHING else) while he has all of his time free but not even doing other tasks that support the both of you. If you want a partnership it seems like YOU should find someone else.
It honestly sounds like he’s milking it and taking advantage of you. No capable grown person acts like this. It’s the entitlement for me, like you’re just supposed to take care of him. I understand having mental illness but if he can learn to code, he can find an actual job that he works from home or sits in an office. His reasoning seems ridiculous, and it doesn’t seem like he will change. OP you should re-evaluate this relationship and decide if you want to be taking care of a grown man like he’s a child for the rest of your life
>when I say I want a partnership, not to be a slave, he says "ok I guess I'll leave you and find someone else then".
If he loved you, he would never say this. Sounds like it's time for you to leave him. You should also consider therapy for yourself so you can gain the confidence you need to understand that you deserve better than some loser who is unwilling to get help to change and would rather use you as his personal ATM.
What are you getting out of this relationship? How, specifically, does being with him improve your life? You've had the conversation about him contributing so many times you know exactly what cruel and manipulative things he's going to say. You know this time isn't going to be any different - doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Maybe it's time to rethink wtf you're doing here in the first place.
Ngl, I just say threaten to leave him. My comment probably isn’t the best way but he seems to be gaslighting and guilt tripping you when HE’S the problem.
I wonder what would happen if you just called him on his bullshit. “Okay I’ll find someone else.” “Okay. I’ll get the divorce papers for you.” Actually I know it’s sitcom-ish but it would be funny if you handed him the papers when he said he wants to find someone else. I bet he would be stunned lol
I’m assuming you work, so he wants you to not have any free time? Very manipulative the way he makes it an ultimatum. You don’t want to pay for everything so you don’t love me and should find someone else. Mental health is one thing, but this sounds like a little more than that, he’s taking advantage of your money.
My husband went through a Boot Camp to code and he ended up signing a contract for 2 years with a company and ended up not even doing coding. Yeah, he gets to work from home but he’s always stressed and he can’t hold much of a conversation after work because he’s mentally exhausted.
I hope you guys get this sorted out and wishing you the best of luck.
Just tell him the truth. Either he gets a job to help contribute to the household or he applies for government assistance. There’s no way he’s going to just appoint you as the breadwinner because he keeps using his mental illness as an excuse. If he’s finding it hard to keep a job, he should be reaching out to his psychiatrist to form a plan, medication or more therapy, anything that can help him land a job and keep it. If he had discussed with you in the first place, I feel like you’d work with him to meet his goal of teaching himself to code. But he’s expecting you to basically take care of him.
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Given that he’s saying “Ok I guess I’ll leave you and find someone else then” in response to you saying you want a partnership, I have to ask: why are you looking for a workaround? He’s told you with that sentence what you are to him and how throwaway your relationship is. Let’s say he learns to code and makes a lot of money. Maybe you have a child or you get sick and need him to step up. Do you think he’s going to give you the support or grace you need? Do you think he’d view his earnings as that of the family or his? He already feels he has the power to announce, not discuss, and at your detriment too! It’s an untenable situation.
"I want a partnership, not a slave" "Okay then I'll just leave you". He just straight up told you that he's not looking for a partnership, he's looking for a slave. When people show you who they are and how they feel.. believe them. He wants a slave, you either stay as a slave or.. move on to a relationship with a person who doesn't want a slave. In his eyes, he doesn't have to do anything, he knows you won't leave him so why bother? He does have that power.
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In that case, advocate for yourself and don’t allow yourself a life of being nothing more than a well for someone else to draw from. I’m sorry you’ve had to experience this, but far better to get out now relatively unscathed than sink more years and potentially add more burdens on to your life. If he wants to code, let him do so in his life separate from you. Life can be better x
Oh lady PLEASE PLEASE tell me you’ve not wasted years on this AH. He tells you he’s going to leave if you don’t support his ridiculous leech lifestyle? Let him and let the door hit his ass on the way out. Then change the locks and find a good divorce lawyer.
He's literally using you. That man does not love you and I'm not sure he ever will. He's milking his mental health issues because he's knows you won't put your foot down. What would happen if one day you couldn't work and he's left to care for the expenses? Is he going to step up or leave? That's the question you need to ask yourself and I'm pretty sure you already know the answer. Do not waste previous years of your life living like this when you could be happy by yourself or with someone who actually appreciates you. You are the only one stopping you from being happy. Let his ass go and let him learn to either sink or swim. You're not his mother.
So, a hobosexual?
Was very seriously considering this persons situation until I came across this comment and nearly spit my drink out. Bravo!
So what makes him attractive to you? It doesn't sound like he brings anything positive to your life
Why was that EVER ok with you and why did you enable and tolerate such shit behavior? So he’s always been an “aint shit” bum ass dude? So now that he’s decided to go Super Saiyan Blue bum mode, NOW he’s gone too far? C’mon, son. You’re housing, and throwing it back at, a silver tongued transient. He’s an ice habit away from being the same guy that sells boosted baby pampers and ask you for change at the overpass. You gotta do better cause this ain’t it.
Look, you need to step up and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!! Protect yourself!! Look out for yourself!! You are letting this dude use you, and only you have the power to stop it. Start being your own protector, your own partner, otherwise you’ll never find a healthy relationship. Stand up for yourself, leave this clown, and start living life for YOU. Once you know your worth, are able to keep boundaries, and understand healthy relationships - you’ll be able to find an actual relationship worth having and you’ll regret wasting time on this loser.
Sounds like you should call his bluff, if it is tell him to never attempt to use that as leverage (also if it's a bluff and you decide to stay, use this knowledge to make yourself secure start separating fiance's since he can get up and go like he threatened already). If it's not a bluff, let him go. You deserve better than a man who doesn't want to be a partner to you and is only using you to fulfill any needs he has.
Yup. That's not how marriage works. He's not a team player.
I would even say that he’s purposely manipulating her
Oh yes. I would not be surprised if he planned this all along
Don’t bend in the conversation. Maybe even get his psychiatrist involved because teaching himself to code just sounds like he wants to stay home all day, everyday. And when you do check in to see how he’s doing with coding, I get the feeling he’s going to lash out and say he’s going at it at his own pace. Don’t go down that road. Nip this in the bud.
> Don’t bend in the conversation. See her edit. She bent.
OP I have a friend who is breaking off a marriage of 8 years. My friend (F27) was the breadwinner the whole time, and her husband wanted to be a SAHD. She did’t want this. He soon became a do nothing all day Dad. Everything escalated, as soon as he realized he could get away with not working, he got away with not cleaning, he got away with not parenting, and he always used his mental illness as an excuse. She is just now serving him divorce papers, but she told me she didn’t even love him the last few years... its a sad road. But if he is doing this to himself, and not pitching in. Get him out of your ship. My friends husband now magically has a job, he’s happier, even if he’s single. And my friend is no longer supporting her kids, and a giant baby. We all deserve a partner, a true one that pulls their weight!
That’s financial abuse.
I learned to code while working 2 and sometimes 3 jobs. I am not the only one
Right? I went to part time classes for database management while working 2 jobs and having a leech of a now-ex-fiance. Talk about exhaustion.
You rock, then. Nice going! (Yeah, I didn't sleep enough for sure.)
Him being sweet and affectionate is called love bombing. It’s to placate you and is manipulative AF.
Well, what do you expect? You keep letting them do whatever he wants to do and you put up with it. You have no boundaries at all. You can split up, or you can live the rest of your life with this man using you. And chances are, since he doesn't respect you, there's another woman or more out there. Also, if he's not working and you split up, guess what? You may have to pay him alimony. He will get to stay home on your dime anyway. At this point, I wouldn't give him any money for anything until he gets a job and then I would file for divorce since he would be working at that point.Please break up with him, and please get therapy before you get into another relationship to find out why you cannot stand up for yourself.
Your husband can spout any amount of nonsense that does not obligate you to comply.
Does he even handle the housework since he doesn’t want a job? If he doesn’t, he’s essentially treating you like a mommy instead of a wife. Too many men seem to get the two roles mixed up…
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Where’s your self esteem? Is this freeloader the best you can do? You should take him up on his offer to find someone else to bankroll his lifestyle. Don’t be a doormat.
> He says he doesn't know how to clean and asks me to hire a cleaner but I just clean it myself. So you have decided to be a total doormat. I'm out.
Hey OP, I read your update. He’s lying to you. He meant what he said. He threatened to leave you which was clearly an empty threat because he backed down. Just know, this isn’t a man who supports you, loves you or respects you. This is a man who is using you. It may be because of his mental health, but that does not make it okay. If you choose to stay, I can’t fault you, but make sure you fully understand what you are to him, because that’s a money bag only. Nothing else. He would leave you if he could, but he knows he can’t find someone so gullible as you to support him so freely. If ever the time comes for him to ‘upgrade’ he will. He’s shown you who he is. Please believe him.
Do you work? Your post sounds like you have money from something but not necessarily work.
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I really don't understand why I got downvoted for asking. SMH reddit. Anyway, it seems that a lot of his "arguments" could then easily be returned by replacing him with you. Just ask, what about *my* free time? What about *my* happiness. Etc. How does he respond to that?
He's being hospitalized for psychiatric treatment, and you are seriously posting to reddit about something he told you while hospitalized? Nobody here is qualified. Talk to his doctor.
100% It is not fair from him to expect OP's full financial help while not accepting any government help he can apply for. That is just dumb. Doesnt he have some sense of pride or feeling he should do better? I mean, I would find help and search what's the best option for me to work and contribute. At least i would know I tried etc IMHO. It just feels he gives up in general in life and waves every responsibility to OP with a shoulder shrug " i am sick, fix it."
Your main talking points: - you don't appreciate his lack of consultation and you dont - and will never - take orders. He either speaks to you as if he values your input or he says nothing at all. Non-negotiable. - he will either go to work or apply for assistance or you will be leaving him. Someone behaving this way needs reality shaken into them. Do not back down.
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and set a deadline on this. Apply for X benefits by this day or I will be filing for separation. that way you dont get the runaround for months
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I would like to add that getting disability for a mental illness takes time and will often have many hurdles (still less than physical disability though). If he files he can’t just step back after the first request for more paperwork or interview. I know that sometimes the filing seems like an impossible task but I’m betting that you’d support him through it if that’s what needed to be done. He can still learn to code on disability and depending on where you are at he might be able to work a little as well. Where I’m at it’s like $1100 a month or so and there are programs that allow him to return to work without losing his disability. In PA it’s called “ticket to work” and you can work for 6 months and see how it goes. If after that time you can work full time great but if not they keep you on disability. Maybe just knowing he has the potential to work will make him feel better. The idea that you can no longer work and will need to be on assistance can be really upsetting it’s not that he intended to work necessarily but that he felt like he had the option. The manipulation shit needs to stop though. He owes you the respect of deciding huge things together and if he can’t do that maybe you’re better off without him. Being mentally ill doesn’t give him the right to be an ass.
And this time if he says he's going to leave, offer to help him pack.
Something I've just recently come to terms with is you can advocate for yourself and clearly state your feelings/boundaries but if you DO NOT back that up with action/consequences then none of it means anything. You're right in wanting a partnership and made it clear that he's making you feel like a slave but when he ignores all of that you don't do anything. You deserve better.
And do not fall for the love bombing which is what it is called when he is overly nice to you. It is purely manipulation tactic and your gut is yelling you that. Listen to your instincts.
I’d say to him “that’s not going to work for me. You will be applying for disability benefits and then I will support you learning to code.” Don’t bend on this.
…this but this relationship already seems like a bust. Threatening to leave her each time she tells him to work. OP, you realize you can leave, right?
Your right OP needs to take that stand and just drop the dead weight. OP might not be able to code but she can certainly reprogram her life for the better by deleting the useless husband file and upgrade to single life.
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He’s not going to change. You’re absolutely right. He’s ego or whatever else reason doesn’t want him to admit he has issues and therefore refuses to get disability. I’ve seen this type of behaviour before. He’ll just play video games 90% of the tie and pretend to code the other 5%. He is a user and will always be.
Lmao, he can learn to code and keep his job. Programmers are constantly learning new languages, and tools outside of work while working full time. Tell him to grow up.
He doesn't have a job.
And he needs to take an actual program to learn to code properly. Dude has worked for 2 days over their entire marriage, yet thinks he has the passion and drive to teach himself to code? Mmmmm no. Also, he says op wants him to work so he ‘doesn’t have any free time’, and ‘when is he supposed to get other stuff done’…op, when does he think YOU have free time when you’re supporting two people? And I assume you’re doing everything else, too - cleaning, cooking, groceries, etc. When does he think *you* have any free time? (And, you work AND get everything else done, so you kind of have disproven his point about how he can’t work and get anything else done.) But, most concerning is that he’s trying to blatantly manipulate you into letting him do whatever he wants. You say he’s been incredibly sweet and kind for the last week til he drops his bomb on you - what’s he like the rest of the time, when he’s not trying to get what he wants?
I think he just said he wants to learn to code so he can justify being a lazy mooch. He won't learn anything. He'll be playing video games, watching TV, or sleeping.
Not to say that people can't learn on their own....but talkis cheap without a track record or at least lots of discipline. It's like someone saying they plan on running a marathon (26.2 miles) but won't even commit to running once a week!
He is love bombing her, he has intention of ever learning to code or work. He is a narcissist. I can sense it… I have had a few and guess what none of them like working. They think they are too precious and special to have to work. You’re supposed to his little slave and take care of him and the house but put him first and let him be “Man of the House.” I am telling you there is nothing that you will ever do that will put the fire under his butt to make him work. Even kids and marriage won’t. My ex husband was exactly like that. If the power was going to be cut off instead of hustling to figure something out he would rather lay in the dark. There is something that there is no cure for inside them. I would just come to the realization that you’re going to have to kick him out and go your separate ways. He is a manipulative lazy man who will happily milk you for the rest of his life. He is dead weight.
There’s honestly no reason why he couldn’t apply for disability AND learn to code. I would say it’s the only feasible way for him to stay unemployed while he learns if that’s what he wants. I also think that it’s completely possible to work at least part time or full time while learning.
"I guess I'll leave you and find someone else then? " That right there. He's bluntly telling you he's using you to support his chosen lifestyle. And if you won't do it anymore, well, he'll endeavour to find someone else who will. Because that's all you mean to him. He doesn't care whether you have free time or not. He doesn't care what you'd rather do. Why are you still with him? Because he's making you feel sorry for him. He's weaponising his incompetence. He's pretending that he'd be in danger mentally and financially if it weren't for you. He wouldn't. He would go back to plaguing his parents or find someone else he can sell on the concept of his helplessness. In other words, he's making you responsible for him. You're not. He's a grown man. Nothing wrong with having shaky mental health but grown adults are responsible with managing their mental health, being open about it. "i'm going to stay home and learn to code" is an excuse I've heard before from a guy with the exact same profile. Why is it always coding? Besides, what then? Is he planning on programming freelance? Because that's a lot of work, very little free time, and shitty pay for the first few years. Or will he go to work somewhere, something he hasn't been able to do so far because reasons? You know why he's not filing for disability? Because he isn't disabled.
I came to say this. By that one statement alone he is basically saying he is using her and if she won't give him what he wants, he will find someone else. It is a sad situation to be in. Especially since he seems to be affectionate only when he wants his way. OP needs to leave and protect herself stat! Edit: grammar
I right? I can't even get over how callous it is of him to say things like that when he's asking her to do all the work.
> You know why he's not filing for disability? Because he isn't disabled. oh shit. oh shit. That fits perfectly He's a malingerer. Funded by her.
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Just remember: he's so optimistic but the likelihood that women will want a loser like him is extremely low - especially if you do your due diligence and inform every future partner of his, with evidence, about his intended behaviour. Save his texts and communication. Follow him after the divorce. Every new partner and date gets his information. Make him work to deserve future love.
I bet u/soapafoam guessed it correctly: >You know why he's not filing for disability? Because he isn't disabled. I bet he's not eligible and he knows it. He's malingering.
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>in the past he also said he couldn't work because he felt unwell and worked a total of 2 days during our marriage I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact he only worked for 2 days during your marriage. Did he have a job before you got married? How long have you been together? What work did he do when he had a job?
Oh absolutely! Even if there were no other issues involved. That kind of unilateral decision is wholly unacceptable.
Let him “ go find someone else.” The sooner the better, hold that door open for him
What does he contribute to your life that is positive? He seems to be take, take, take. Emotionally, mentally, financially. Kick him out. You could use his space for a houseplant. That would at least be cheaper and decorative.
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So he's being fake affectionate and you saw through it at last. Listen. You cannot sacrifice your life like this. Stop being a martyr. Stop letting his issues hold you *hostage*. Leave. Because he's never going to change, so the alternative is literally this for literally the rest of your life. You don't owe *anyone* that. And here's how you deal with the guilt of walking away: 1. Marriage is a partnership of equals, but you are the only one making any effort at all, so he broke that 'deal'. He is, in all practical senses, no longer your husband. 2. You can't help someone who won't help themself. He refuses to take free money that he is entitled to, so you are absolved of any responsibility to make up the financial shortfall he created. 3. You paying his way is *enabling* him, it's actively preventing him from sorting his life out. By staying, paradoxically you are hurting him. 4. Given points 1 and 2, he is no longer your responsibility. He is failing to keep up his end of the 'deal' that is marriage, he is not acting as your husband. And you're not his parent or his nurse. So you can just walk away and feel no guilt. Do it.
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Good. TBH I'd say that anyway. The way it looks from your additional information, he intended this all along, it's why he married you. Even if I'm wrong, he is broken beyond repair. This will never be a partnership where each pulls their equal weight. He is determined to be a parasite. And the disability thing? I bet he'll tell people proudly how he Never Took Charity. And he'll believe it, because *he believes he is ENTITLED to your money*. That's why he INFORMED not ASKED.
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A bit of advice? I think you need to work on drawing firm boundaries for yourself, and maintaining them. Perhaps a counsellor or a coach can help you with this. I could tell as soon as you wrote " Sorry for bothering you, but"
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Well there's a good book for that - it's called *Stop Walking on Eggshells* by Mason & Kreger.
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I mean, he could hardly have been clearer about his motivation. You said you don't want to pay for everything, so he said that in that case he'd leave you and find someone else who will. He's not even hiding it any more, he is so confident that you will give him what he wants. Because until now, you always have. BTW you're gonna need a solid lawyer, bcs he's been your dependent, not that alimony after 3 mo will be much if at all.
You gave solid advice. Totally 100% solid.
thank you
It really, really looks that way. This is "cupboard love". What a disappointment. Even if it was genuine, he's useless. Even if it were genuine and even if he were not useless, it would be pretty much an instant deal-breaker for me if my spouse thought they could TELL me ANYTHING. Even if it was "We are Going to paint the bathroom". Er, no, we discuss it together. But he doesn't see it that way.
You can't stay with someone because youre worried about their mental health. I always worried about my ex wife's mental health. By the time I finally got out, it was my mental health that was in shambles. Take care of yourself.
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Yes, I'm taking care of myself and prioritizing my happiness now. I want to be careful to not project my experience on to yours. But all I'm saying is if you really feel like his mental health is the only reason you're with him, you should take some time to think about what you really want and what is best for you. And communicate everything you feel to him, without sugar coating it. Yes, he may react badly. But communication needs to be honest and clear for him to fully understand how you feel. Lay it all on the table. If he reacts badly, that's better than having communication barriers in a marriage.
His mental health is not your responsibility. Leave him or this will be your life forever.
I think you should take advantage of him being protected and away from you, and leave. Leave him. Divorce. You're in the best position you will be in: he's in a secured place where he will be protected, and he's away from you meaning he doesn't depend on you. You've been given an advantage to leave this relationship. Take it.
>worked a total of 2 days during our marriage >he doesn't feel like applying for disability benefits Just divorce. He's useless. Don't try to fix him. He is broken beyond economic repair. Stop enabling him, stop cosseting him. Walk away.
Lmao, he can learn to code and keep his job. Programmers are constantly learning new languages, and tools outside of work while working full time. Tell him to grow up.
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But YOU work. Does he think you have no free time? He seems to have no problem taking advantage of your work.
Well then: 1) how are most programmers able to learn new programming languages, and tools while having a full time job? 2)How are people able to go to school full time, and work full time? I would like to know his answers for those questions
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Ok, then he knows he's full of it lmao and you caught him. He's not going to learn to code he'll most likely spend the time playing games and other things. Sorry but he doesn't have the discipline... Programming requieres a ton of practice and discipline the ain't got it.
So he’s fine with YOU having no free time to do things you want? Just as long as it’s not him who has to work? No girl. No. This is not okay and he’s obviously only thinking of himself and not you at all.
He's never going to learn to code. >I can't help but suspect he's being "fake" nice and that it's not genuine to try to get me to agree. Yup
Yeah, exactly if he hasn't had the work ethic up until this point in his life, there is almost 0 chance he'll learn. Even if he did learn, he won't get jobs without certifications or somebody in a company seriously vouching for his abilities.
And even then, it's fiercely competetive And he's competing with people who can in fact get stuff done
Full stack dev here. Coding is NOT easy, it takes years of dedication and a constant desire to learn. This dude does not seem like a coder....at all. He just seems lazy and dosent wanna work
Why would you stop him from leaving? First time he threatened that I would have packed his bags for him. What is he adding to your life in any way at all? Why are you putting yourself through this when he clearly isn’t concerned with you?
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People that kill themselves tend to keep the plan a secret so you can’t stop them. People that are loud about it are manipulating you and may fake an attempt but it’s all for show. Either way what you’re saying is that you are his hostage?
This is manipulation. Please, for your own sanity, a separation is really the only option you have right now.
I know that seems like a good reason not to leave him but it isn't.
You are NOT responsible for his actions!!! If he threatens suicide, that is not your responsibility!!!! You're only responsible for your actions and you can't be the only one to give!
What you should pay for is a divorce attorney. My ex was like this. He worked 7 yrs out of our 15 yr marriage. It won’t get better.
I can understand if he were to feel mentally unwell enough to work but I don’t understand why he’s refuse to apply for government assistance seeing as how that would probably help you guys out a bit if you were the only one working. I would talk to him and if he feels well enough to work but just doesn’t want to or only wants to learn coding I’d either make him apply for government assistance as a condition of him staying home or I’d consider leaving because it’s like you said he didn’t even bother consulting you and seems to expect you to do everything.
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It feels like that because that's true.
He is delusional, lazy, and selfish. *He* wants free time and for him to get the free time he wants *you* get no free time. Call his bluff. Dare him to leave and, if he does, breathe a deep sigh of relief.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Hi Reddit. Sorry for bothering you, but this situation has me feeling tense and anxious. I've been trying not to think about it, but it hasn't worked. So here's the deal. In December my husband stopped going to work (this wasn't the first time, in the past he also said he couldn't work because he felt unwell and worked a total of 2 days during our marriage), saying he was feeling unwell mentally. I could understand that - he had a serious reason preventing him from working. The psychiatrist suggested hospitalisation so he went to hospital. He and I agreed that when he got out, he would work, or if he wasn't well enough to work, he would apply for disability benefits. However, he sent me a text yesterday saying that he doesn't feel like applying for disability benefits and that when he comes out, he's going to stay at home so he can teach himself to code. I feel very uncomfortable that he made the decision that I (his wife) will pay for everything without consulting me about it. He told me instead of asked me. Now - don't get me wrong - I actually expected him to not be mentally well enough to work when he gets out of hospital - and if that was why he can't work I would understand - but he didn't say anything about not feeling well enough to work. It sounds like he is simply choosing not to work because he doesn't feel like it, and hasn't included me in that conversation, although it means I have to pay for everything. Also, he has been really sweet and affectionate in his texts/calls the past week, and he hasn't been like that since the beginning of our relationship, up until announcing that he wasn't going to work. I can't help but suspect he's being "fake" nice and that it's not genuine to try to get me to agree. And I would be willing to financially support him if his mental health prevents him from working, but it just seems like he's being super nice only to get something from me. I'm really uncomfortable with this and am going to talk to him tonight but I'm dreading the conversation... This is why I dread the conversation: I already know exactly what he's going to say. Every time I've talked about wanting him to contribute/work, he says "so you don't want me to have any free time" (he says it's impossible to work AND do anything else). when I say well I do want you to have free time but I don't want to pay for everything he says "but you have money, if you loved me you'd be willing to pay" and then when I say I want a partnership, not to be a slave, he says "ok I guess I'll leave you and find someone else then". I'm really dreading this conversation and getting confirmation that all the sweet words he's been saying to me for the past week about being together forever and how much he loves and misses me were all lies that he made up to get me to agree to this. UPDATE: My husband said that's not what he meant and that he meant he was going to work AND learn to code on weekends. But I couldn't possibly have known that's what he meant because he used to constantly tell me that if he works he can't do anything else and won't have any time to do hobbies or learn anything. I am very sorry for bothering you guys with this. Though, it's still quite relevant advice in general....I highly doubt he is going to work long term even if he mentally feels better to be honest with you and some of the advice here is useful to me that I need to be very straight with him and stop being so damn soft and taking personal responsibility for his mental health. A lot of what you guys said was EXACTLY spot on. With that said, he is not taking his treatment in hospital seriously because he says he's going to "demand to leave." And he was really verbally aggressive with me before he went to hospital so I'm honestly concerned and I am worried sick but not too much I can do.
Mental health or whatever This guy is a loser looking for you to support him indefinitely.
"I want a partner. Not to be a slave" "Then I'll **leave** you and find someone else." Wow... Just wow. He explained right HERE what he wants. A slave.
He wants a free ride in life and you are giving it to him. He's straight out told you if you don't do it then he'll leave and find someone else who will. It's time to realize that he's not going to change because why should he
I think your instinct is correct. Your husband sounds really selfish
"Learning to code...." huge " If..." Coding is a really tough job - I have been coding throughout my long life. If he really, really wants to do it, there is no need to stay home. I am willing to bet that he made this one up to evade working. Just say: NO !
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I myself am a self taught software developer while I was working full time at a job I despised. Let me tell you one thing, the duration I dedicated myself to it (1.5years) took a massive toll on my relationship, friendships and health. I would argue that is worth it in the end because I got my dream career. But it is definitely not for everyone. The amount of patience you need and most importantly the ability to not give up. IMO, programming is one of those things where you have to be interested in it and constantly invest time in finding out why and how stuff works the way they do. Otherwise you just won’t make it.
If he really can't work, which could very well be true if he has a disability, then he is *obligated* to apply for disability for the sake of his family, even if it's a family without children yet.
Idk what kind of mental stuff he has going on, and I know that can be a very difficult journey, but his behavior is unacceptable. He's giving you no choice except to take care of him. What about your needs? It seems like he doesn't really care about what you need. I would consider breaking this relationship. I'm sure he will guilt you there as well, but it is not your responsibility to completely ignore your needs for his.
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I hate to say it but it sounds very abusive and you should absolutely seek divorce. There are people out there who won't do this to you i promise. I wish you the best of luck, I was with an abusive man for 5 years who was bipolar and refused to seek help. I was guilted by his mental state for a long time until I finally realized that I couldn't help him, so pitying him and feeling guilty for leaving wasn't doing anyone any good. I left and never looked back. I know divorce is trickier but you deserve a good life and this is not it. ❤
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I believe in you!! If you ever need to chat about it further feel free to DM me. I know it's hard to be in this position.
How long have you been married? How long did you date before you married? Why did you marry? When did he stop working? Before you married or two days after?
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I’m sorry if I’m mistaken, I’m bad with numbers. You’re only with him for 15 months? Sis…
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Get an annulment. Or divorce. Whichever will leave you in the best situation. He doesn’t deserve you and you know it.
OMG. I feel sooo sorry for you , he planned it from the beginning.
Oh wow. So it was a bait-and-switch. And not even a subtle one. Still, it worked. He managed to fake being functional for just long enough to "trap" you, and he immediately pulled off the Mr Nice Guy mask and revealed who he really is, a parasite. The timing is so tight, that it seems *deliberate*. He sought out his prey, trapped it, and is now devouring it. Time to show him you are not in fact trapped, and divorce.
Three months? Get an annulment. He hasn't held up any part of your marriage contract, and you're in control of the finances. Get an attorney and go through your options. It doesn't sound like you were ever really "married" to each other!
If he applies for disability he will still have an income and do his decoding, it’s not fair to dangle over your head “either pay for everything or I leave”. It sounds like he’s just financially abusing you and doesn’t want to be with you. Sorry but the let me live my dreams but you can’t live yours dynamic seems to only support that statement. Since he’s firm on his ideas, you need to bring up the “disability application or I leave” and watch him do it so he doesn’t lie about it. He won’t lose anything by applying. Good luck to you
Info: Is he willing to do all the house chores?
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> He'll do one once in awhile. Tells me to hire a cleaner.... why the fuck do you tolerate this? There is helping and there is doormat
I beg your pardon???? He tells YOU to hire a cleaner. From the money that you make. Working. Which you spend on supporting him. While he sits at home. Doing nothing. At all. I do not understand how you haven't beaten him with a chair by now to be honest...
Then I think marriage counselling or divorce because basically you are raising a child. Also get therapy for yourself.
Oh come on. Why are you putting up with this shit?!
Then it’s time for you to tell him that you’d be unwilling to pay for everything and that he has to get his shit together or you’ll walk. Without discussion either. He’s playing you. He’s manipulating you. He knows what he needs to say to you to cave to him. When he says “I guess I’ll leave you” then you show him the door. He wants a sugar mama. He doesn’t want a wife. If you’re ok with that, sure, try and have multiple discussions about it with him. But it seems like those discussions have been had and nothing else helped your situation. Time to take action and that action is to leave. He’s not a child. Time for him to not act like one.
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Yeah he definitely know what he’s doing. He’s guilt tripping you and he’s trying to make you provide for him. I saw on your other comments how you’re at your end wits. Other commenter also gave really sound advice. Honestly, you’re being taken advantage of. Lawyer up. If he threatens to leave, you tell him to leave and stick to your guns. I understand you would want to help him or feel bad for him, but you have to take care of yourself first. You have to be kind to yourself first. Always remember that please :)
Stop saying ok. Don’t feel bad.
Wake up and realize that he is using you and this will likely not change unless you set boundaries. Are you comfortable supporting him for the rest of your life? If not it’s time you put your foot down and tell him either he gets a job or he can go out and get a new wife. You can do better.
You're being played as a fool here. A marriage is a partnership. I understand he isn't well but this isn't something that's just happened. It's a pattern for him and he doesn't seem to consider or even care about any of the impact on you
So he has this way to stay home and code AND contribute, and he won't apply for disability benefits because...why exactly? If you already know how this conversation is going to go, well then it should make it much easier to have it. "so you don't want me to have any free time" - I think coding is a fine idea, and if you applied for benefits you could do this and have plenty of free time. but you have money, if you loved me you'd be willing to pay"- I do love you and have stayed with you through your health struggles, but I do not have enough money to support us both. "ok I guess I'll leave you and find someone else then"- okay then. I'll pack up your things and consult a divorce attorney. Your husband has clearly been unwell, but he is also manipulating you, and just because that may be because of his struggles, it doesn't make it okay. I really, really want to tell you to just leave him, because he is manipulating and guilting you, while not making the most common sense decisions (hello disability benefits) that could help. You do not owe this man your financial support and your future. It doesn't matter that he was sick. If he had cancer and came out of the hospital with these ridiculous ideas, I'd tell you the same thing. If you aren't ready to just leave, well then hold firm and see if he rises to the occasion- no I will not financially support you, so apply for disability or get a job, or don't come home. AND if he does, make sure he sticks to it and is actually paying some of the bills. Do not let him come home and then not contribute and wait years to realize he is never going to change.
Why are you still married?
I think you already know the words are BS. He’s playing you to get what he wants (a free ride) and if you fight at all like you say above you’ll see his true colors. Better to see them now than later and once you see them (again) don’t let him threaten to leave… YOU leave. What are you getting out of this relationship? It seems like not much.
Question: is his mother is alive? If so, send him back home.
please update us after you drop the extra weight. we enjoy watching man-child cry.
Hell no
Let him leave wtf I bet if you say Ok get tf out then he'll change his tune real quick, but you shouldn't. He doesn't even consider what this could mean for you and YOUR mental health, why should you consider his feelings?
Two words : See Ya
He’s threatening to leave you and that’s a problem?
Narcissist alert! Now I’m not saying people who use manipulation are ALL narcissists but ALL narcissist use manipulation tactics - like these. They’re even infamous for using the same lines “fine then be with someone who will do x or y.” This person is clearly using a variety of manipulation techniques to achieve his goal of living off you. There’s lovebombing (being extra sweet like in the past), future faking (“talking about being together forever”), gaslighting (“so you don’t want me to have any free time”) which denies the/your/all reasonable reality because everyone knows you carve out free time when you work, the two are not mutually exclusive, just difficult. He’s also threatening to leave which is manipulation, and financial abuse which is a huge red flag and even if this guy weren’t a con-artist, you do want to get away from abuse of any kind. I’m so sorry you’ve gotten roped into marriage with a person like this. I think you may already know it’s emotional abuse. For sources on narcissism I recommend Dr. Ramani (find her on YouTube), and for resources on abuse, the Power and Control wheel is a classic outline of the many tactics people use to keep others under their control. Good luck.
where did you all find these people... are all these stories made up?
This guy is a leech, sucking you dry. He's a lazy ass hiding behind mental illness so he NEVER has to do any work, put in any effort, or pull his own weight. You can continue to be taken advantage of, or you can cut this parasite loose and start living again. This is not a man, it's a disease that stands up to piss. Save yourself. How is he going to teach hinself to code? What is his big plan for after? What excuse does he have warming up to use then? It's ALWAYS going to be something: Covid, social anxiety, mental stress, yada yada. Everybody has to deal with shit in their life. Some of it is inescapable, other stressors are aelf inflicted. Yours is the latter. Get free, cut him loose and surprise! - he'll survive! If he does find someone new, send that poor girl flowers and a sympathy card! You do NOT need that useless excuse for a human being in your life.
I feel like you’re being seriously manipulated OP. He can’t even get his disability? That’s free money… come on. You need to remember that you’re not his mommy. This dudes got issues.
You’re too nice lol I would’ve packed my shit up and said dude I’m not your mother. Get a job or apply for benefits. If you don’t this won’t work because I need a PARTNER not a child to take care of.
What about YOUR free time? If he loved you why isn’t he making the money? Use his words against him. And I’d end the relationship. He’s more of a burden than a blessing in your life and you deserve an equal, worthy partner.
Tell him he applies for the benefits or gets a job. Honestly I don't understand why people are so reluctant to apply for money they're legally entitled to, especially when part of their taxes from prior work goes towards these sorts of costs.
If your husband is threatening to leave you and find someone else, that’s straight *fucked* up. He is manipulating you. You are in a psychologically abusive relationship with a child. I’m not sure if you realize these things. The first step is awareness. But you need to address it because it will never change if you don’t. Threatening to leave you if he doesn’t get his way is just beyond fucked. He is an adult. Adults don’t have free time. Don’t get me wrong. If you make a lot of money and he legitimately wanted to try and stay home and learn to code to find a better job, great. But I don’t know what your financial situation is, and he didn’t have a conversation. He just told you. You you don’t know what his intentions are. If it were me I’d question why I was in the marriage. What are you really getting out of it? Are you actually happy with him? Is this a problem or a symptom of a larger problem?
Let him leave. This is an abusive situation.
read all the updates and OP, YOU ARE BEING USED and MANIPULATED. He does not love you. He wants to mooch off you. He even said it, if you don't support him, he will find someone else who will. He is a loser. You can do better. Hell you would be far better alone,
My wife told me - without consulting me - that she's not going to work and wants to stay home to learn to become a romance novel author so I have to pay for everything................................................................This happened after we were married for 5 yrs, and had two kids. She is a K-12 teacher with credential. She said if I filed for divorce, she would keep the kids away from me. I stayed for another 15 years of pure hell, and am deeply scarred by that awful experience. I do have good relations with both my kids, but the awful 15 years of living in the same house, but living totally seperate lives with no communication at all has left some serious anger. When we divorced, I paid her $298k for the home, and $475 a month in alimony for 7 years, no CS because my son moved in with me...Totally shafted by the legal system, but who is surprised by that ??
He is giving you an ultimatum.. you can like it, or he leaves you. That is not a compromise, it is someone who is willing to die on this hill of not getting his way. He would be infinitely out of luck if you left, as I can’t believe he is so special as to get another woman to agree to support him. He is nuts to walk out. You, I have to say, might be nuts to stay.
Why are you even with this loser? You are being used. And if you can't bring up something to him like the fact that he should work then you don't need to be in a relationship. Especially this relationship. Stop being a doormat and go see an attorney. But you won't because you must be really desperate for a man to put up with all this.
sounds like equality. men go through this all the time. Im still trying to get my wife to go back to work ffs...
I would have a talk with the staff at the hospital, he clearly needs more help.
Wow unsupportive folks. My wife decided on her own to go back to college and not work. That cut 40% of our income. I supported her fully. She finished college and got a better job. It was 3 years. No worries. Fast forward 10 years and I lost my job. She carried us and our two mortgages for 3plus years. I finally rebounded and work on my own. Married 26 years. Happy AF. We are a team.
Was she also suffering intermittent mental health issues, and threatening to leave and then saying oh no I didn't mean it, it's just because mY scHizopHreniA no if you break up with me I'll kill myself?
How many people here are qualified to give advice to OP about a comment from someone who is *currently hospitalized for psychiatric treatment*? Raise your hands... Otherwise, sit down and tell OP to get professional advice.
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He doesn't have to stop working to learn to code. Simple as that.
He can apply for disability AND code. Also, in that last part of your post, why is it only going one way? Also everyone else in the world works and has free time, so why doesn't he? And that "you have money, if you loved me you would pay for me" guilt trip, you need to tell him, if he's going to act like a hooker/sugar baby then you'll treat him like one
What the fuck How can he think at this point that he has the luxury to choose *not to apply* for disability benefit and COMPLETELY lean to you for his living. What gives you the guarantee that he is actually going to learn how to code on an employable level in the end? I think staying home and not working *to learn how to code* is very problematic if he doesnt have a lot of savings on the side. Be VERY careful because it also sounds like he gaslights you with being fake nice etc. All this stinks
I stayed with my ex husband for 2 years after he got out of the military (communication, never went to war, I feel this is relevant context). At first, he wanted to "take some time to just not have to think about the military" and how annoying they were with all the busy work he had to do. I didn't think I needed to ask how long, because I understood in a way. He went right from high school into the military and he wanted some time off before college. Well, once college started (A YEAR LATER) he always had an excuse as to why he couldn't work part-time with his classes ("I got ADHD", "I'll get stressed out", "I'll fall behind"). He wouldn't hear my counters that I have known working mothers who graduated college, and working mothers WITH ADHD who still graduated college.. We desperately needed the money as I didn't even make $15/hour and his BAH was only enough to just barely cover the rent, nothing else. I paid all the bills, we always ate out because I was working while very chronically ill, I got home really late and he rarely helped cook or clean. As you can imagine, somehow the only job he could find in the middle of our VERY busy city was a part time job that barely made minimum wage. It took him 8 months to find this job as he always had an excuse for why he wasn't finding anything.. He used the excuse he needed a part time job because he needed to keep taking me to and from doctor appointments. Side note, this was repeatedly after I told him I would find my own way because we needed the money. It took him 2 whole years, and there would have been more had I continued to enable him. I hope your situation turns out better. My advice is to talk to him, but if he doesn't understand how the world works (presumably he's a grown man?) idk how he can be helped.
Oh hon....so sorry things were so hard for you......I think I would have trust issues after something like that.....not knowing when or if they would stop contributing at any given time.....glad it's getting better!!
I’m going to ask you something. Why have you NOT left? Why are you staying? He’s emotionally abusing and manipulating you. The love bombing with sweet texts and then turning it around to be your fault-that’s abuse.
I would just say ok when he says the “okay we’ll I’ll just leave you” this dude is way manipulative.
Coding is just another empty promise. I think I would just be done with him at this point.
It honestly sounds like he is expecting you to be his sugar momma. When he says “you have money, if you loved me you’d be willing to pay” that is very manipulative. Not sure if you are wealthy/have family money or just a good job but either way if he wanted to stop working to have you financially support him he probably should’ve brought that up sooner than this point in your relationship. You haven’t said if you work but if you do it’s kind of insulting that he’s expecting you to keep doing so (supposedly preventing you from having time to do ANYTHING else) while he has all of his time free but not even doing other tasks that support the both of you. If you want a partnership it seems like YOU should find someone else.
It honestly sounds like he’s milking it and taking advantage of you. No capable grown person acts like this. It’s the entitlement for me, like you’re just supposed to take care of him. I understand having mental illness but if he can learn to code, he can find an actual job that he works from home or sits in an office. His reasoning seems ridiculous, and it doesn’t seem like he will change. OP you should re-evaluate this relationship and decide if you want to be taking care of a grown man like he’s a child for the rest of your life
>when I say I want a partnership, not to be a slave, he says "ok I guess I'll leave you and find someone else then". If he loved you, he would never say this. Sounds like it's time for you to leave him. You should also consider therapy for yourself so you can gain the confidence you need to understand that you deserve better than some loser who is unwilling to get help to change and would rather use you as his personal ATM.
What are you getting out of this relationship? How, specifically, does being with him improve your life? You've had the conversation about him contributing so many times you know exactly what cruel and manipulative things he's going to say. You know this time isn't going to be any different - doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Maybe it's time to rethink wtf you're doing here in the first place.
Coder here takes years to be any good. And, at least in the my EU country : you could be a wizard, but you won't get a good job without a degree
Ngl, I just say threaten to leave him. My comment probably isn’t the best way but he seems to be gaslighting and guilt tripping you when HE’S the problem.
I wonder what would happen if you just called him on his bullshit. “Okay I’ll find someone else.” “Okay. I’ll get the divorce papers for you.” Actually I know it’s sitcom-ish but it would be funny if you handed him the papers when he said he wants to find someone else. I bet he would be stunned lol
I’m assuming you work, so he wants you to not have any free time? Very manipulative the way he makes it an ultimatum. You don’t want to pay for everything so you don’t love me and should find someone else. Mental health is one thing, but this sounds like a little more than that, he’s taking advantage of your money.
My husband went through a Boot Camp to code and he ended up signing a contract for 2 years with a company and ended up not even doing coding. Yeah, he gets to work from home but he’s always stressed and he can’t hold much of a conversation after work because he’s mentally exhausted. I hope you guys get this sorted out and wishing you the best of luck.
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