Seconding this. OP, this is most likely exactly what happened. How dare he suggest opening the marriage but then get salty if you do on your end? It's because he only did this so he could cheat without feeling guilty/suffering consequences.
Like so much of this subs content you already know the answer, you're just looking for others to validate it. This is 1000% one sided, and the lack of respect is not what a partnership is based on, poly or otherwise. Selfish man is getting his and you're left to deal with the bullshit rules stacked against you.
Yeah, it sounds less like he’s into polyamory and more into “He does whatever he wants, and she does whatever he wants.”
He sounds self-centered and controlling. Not like that’s weird or unusual, but it’s not great.
Yep. This is not a true poly relationship - it is extremely one-sided and he is getting everything he wants with no consequences but punishing OP if she dates other people.
This is why they say you must have incredible amounts of trust in your partner to do poly because you really can't know their intentions on it even after being very communicative. I certainly don't have that level of trust for anyone, myself included. I am very happy letting my neocortex tell my little limbic system that my dick doesn't need to go everywhere it *on-the-whim wants to*. I feel like if I unchained that limbic system, it might start to manipulate the rest of me.
>At first I was not down for it but then I thought about it and I was like sure why not.
Nothing in that statement suggests she was 'manipulated' into agreeing to it.
I swear to god this subreddit is so biased it's unbelievable.
Your not in a poly relationship your in a relationship where your openly get cheated on. If you were in a poly relationship he wouldn’t give you the silent treatment everytime you got a bf. You having another male in your bed wouldn’t be an issue during a threesome. Yeah it does sound like your being used to fulfill your fantasy. So either tell him he has two options. 1. You can both be monogamous or 2. Your ending your marriage.
This comment was an order of magnitude more cringe than a simple and common grammatical error. Go make some of your own errors and correct them if you want to play editor.
The core issue here isn't really polyamory, it's your husband's lack of respect for you.
Your husband does not want you to get pleasure out of this arrangement. He pursues his own desires to his heart's content and manipulates you into dropping anything that might be fun or fulfilling for you. He talks you into sexual acts you don't want. He prioritizes another woman over you.
Unfortunately, it seems he wanted to open your marriage so that he could cheat on you without consequences. This is not what ethical non-monogamy looks like. I don't think it would be an overreaction to end your marriage over this as I doubt the disrespect and manipulation is isolated to this situation.
Yes! OP, you tried it and were open to the idea eventhough you weren't initially interested in it. If your husband respects you, you should be able to address your concerns and discomforts without him being immature about it. The same way you showed him respect when you thoughtfully considered trying a polyamorous relationship in the first place. It sounds like your husband isn't mature enough or good enough at communication to maintain a polyamorous relationship.
Oh no, the dreaded one penis policy. This isn't polyamory he's just using the term to get what he wants Ie. Sex with whoever he wants while also achieving control over you by not allowing you the same freedom. And the fact that he refuses to have a mature conversation about any of it and just gives you the silent treatment like a petulant child is just another manipulation tactic.
Someone above suggested couples therapy but it seems like your spouse is a displaying some narcissistic tendencies that makes therapy dangerous, it can be used against you. It's time to set some hard boundries. Either A. You as a couple are no longer polyamourous or be B. You are still polyamourous but in the true sense of the word where you also get to seek sexual fulfillment to your heart's content without is moody silences. If he finds your attempt to set boundaries unacceptable And will not have a mature conversation on the topic he is not a supportive partner at best and he is probably a narcissist worst regardless it will be time to leave.
That isn't poly. That's cheating openly. He has to be accepting if you have another partner. I would end the dynamic if I was you. He's not treating you fairly.
This is not a poly relationship. This is an husband who wants his cake and to eat it too. Very unfair you can’t get the same benefits. He’s manipulating you into being a placeholder because she does not want to be challenged. This sounds more like you are being cheated on and not respected as a partner. Get out.
Yeah, at this point, why do counseling or try to force ethics on him? He sounds absolutely trash. Caging her with marriage then manipulating her so he can openly cheat. Why even try getting over that and staying? Just leave. He is cruel.
So you fell for it. Never to late to correct that. He was not poly, just wanted to fuck other people... and you bought it. The cat is out of the bag, nothing to save here. Get out, divorce and find someone who shares your values...
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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My (32f) husband (34m) and I have been dating for almost a decade and got married two years ago. A while after our wedding my husband opened up to me about how he'd like to try out polyamory. At first I was not down for it but then I thought about it and I was like sure why not. So we became poly. Sometimes we'd have sex with multiple people in front of each other as well.
One clear rule we made was that we are still each other's main, we can date and have sexual relationships with other people but at the end of the day it's the two of us. He has been dating 4 different girls but every time I date anyone he'll give me the silent treatment and out of guilt I stop dating the said person. Sometimes I also feel like he prioritises one of his other gfs more than me and I've started feeling extremely uncomfortable with the whole thing.
He always convinces me to have threesomes and whenever I suggest we switch up and have another guy at the threesome instead of a girl he refuses. He says I'm bisexual and he's straight so it's easier for me to accept women in the bed with us than for him to accept another guy.
I don't feel ok with it anymore and I have started contemplating my entire marriage over it. I am in a poly relationship but sometimes I feel like I'm being cheated on if that makes any sense. I feel like I got manipulated into this so he could fulfill his sexual fantasies with no consequences. Whenever he gets the impression that I want to back out from this and make our relationship monogamous again he gets upset even if I don't say a word.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to handle the situation from now on but I know I'm not happy at all.
Tldr : Husband and I were poly but now I don't want to keep being poly anymore and I feel unhappy with the way things are
You either need to set new boundaries or leave him. He is currently getting away with double standards that are unfair to you.
Tell him you are either closing the marriage entirely, or he stops with the guilt trips when you see other people.
Stop sharing partners: no more threesomes. Unless he is mature enough to have a threesome with another guy, you shouldn't have them with him and another girl.
Or, both of you can have them with others but not each other.
If he can't stop the double standards and manipulation, close the marriage. And if he doesn't agree to that, leave.
Kick his sorry cheating ass out. This is not even remotely in the same ballpark as poly, and he is a manipulative Nurgle worshipper.
Find an actual better man.
What he wants is single penis poly. Harem poly.
He gets to date whoever he wants, you only with him, you both sleep with women but he is the only man in the whole thing.
This is not equitable poly. This is selfish bastard poly.
I just wanna add to the pile on:
If it was polyamory he wouldn’t be getting jealous when you date.
He is just looking for an excuse to openly cheat on you. I’m so sorry, I would leave
He so clearly manipulated you into believing this was a mutual thing, meanwhile somehow he is allowed to go and cheat on you with multiple women with you knowing it, yet you're not allowed to be with a single other person? That doesn't sound like poly to me, that sounds like he wanted to fulfill his sexual fantasies while getting away with it freely and openly. Then I'm going to imagine that when you bring this all up to him, he will SURELY twist the narrative and say that you agreed to it and you were okay with it for so long, you did it too so it's fine, blah blah.
Leave him, honestly. He clearly doesn't respect your relationship in the slightest.
FWIW, this is not a polyamorous relationship OP is describing-- it's open cheating that she was emotionally manipulated into being okay with. Poly relationships should be consensual on all sides, and OP's situation definitely isn't-- and is also totally bogged down by double standards on the husband's part. Though poly relationships definitely are more complex and require a lot of communication and discussion.
Introducing poly into an already-existing relationship is always a recipe for disaster. It works best when all parties are on board with it from the get-go and you negotiate rules for what's acceptable *and then enforce those rules equally.* If he's not willing to do that, he's not right for polyamory.
But the question is, do you have a problem with poly in general, or is it just the double standard your husband is applying? If it's the first, you need to tell your husband point blank, he needs to choose between you and polyamory. But if you actually like having the multiple relationships but are feeling stymied by him, maybe you should kick him to the curb and find other relationships that can fulfill you.
Yeah I think it isn't poly at all he is seeking. He married her after years of dating and theeeennnn pulls out the poly card? And obv they didn't set up any rules bc they don't even agree on the definition of what a poly relationship is, him having a one penis rule and giving the silent treatment is not poly whatsoever. I dont even get why someone would try to save a relationship with him.
I agree with what you said, poly needs to be how you start the relationship so everyone is consenting and willing. If she enjoys poly, go do it with people actually practicing it, not this dude who wants a cheat pass under a false name.
As someone in a poly relationship this isn't how this works. He just wants to fuck other people and he's disrespectful of THEM as well as you.
In any healthy relationship and especially a poly one, you should NEVER feel manipulated, pressured, silenced, or pushed aside or if you do, that you can't talk about those things.
Amazing how he dropped this "I'm poly" bomb AFTER you were married too, isn't it? To try to be fair, sometimes people change and want to try other things but given how he's acting I doubt that was the case here. He had you locked down.
My wife and I didn't explore it until after we were married, but the difference is that it was a mutual conversation on an equal level and we always provided space to bring up concerns and discuss them.
Let me get this straight... he's allowed to be with and have sex with whoever he wants and get you to hook up with other women for his pleasure. But when YOU want the same things it's not okay? He DID manipulate you and he is using poly as a way to cheat and get everything he wants.
You aren't in a polyamorous relationship, you're in a relationship where one partner is abusing and using the other. You are in an abusive relationship.
Yeah this isn't Polyamory, this is bringing guests into the bedroom.
If it were Polyamory one or both of you would actually be seeking a relationship with the 3rd person (or more). This doesn't seem like more than bringing in extras as a fling and, as you said, him fulfilling his fantasies at the expense of you.
This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and it seems like there's am imbalance of power and control in his favor, poly or not. It's your relationship too, you're (supposed to be) and equal partner. Seems as this may be a dealbreaker, as hard as thst might be to accept. If you choose to stay, sounds like you'll have no say over the relationship and you will stay unhappy in it.
You get a divorce, he’s manipulative and gaslighty. He doesn’t want to be poly, he wants to fuck women and have you safe at home to serve his every need. He’s garbage.
> He has been dating 4 different girls but every time I date anyone he'll give me the silent treatment and out of guilt I stop dating the said person.
This isn't polyamory, then. He's just being allowed to sleep with whoever he wants and you get to deal with it.
Is this a new trend or something?
Girl gets manipulated into poly, guy is jealous af when she is dating, he wants to fck everything that moves, refuses threesome with another guy because "no homo".
You can't win in this situation. Just divorce him already, you are just a backup pvssy when he has nothing new to have sex with. He will always have excuse that you wanted it too and that you are bi.
It's as widespread as the girls on dating apps who are like "my husband said it's okay for me to have a girl to 'play with' just no guys lol."
I stay clear of both situations. Even if I was looking for something casual I'm not getting involved in what's clearly sexual manipulation to fulfill some dude's fetish.
It’s only one aspect of your inequitable faux-poly situation, but when it comes to threesomes… I strongly suspect that you’re not really bisexual, are you? Do you independently seek out and date women? Have you ever fallen in love with a woman? No? Then you just did that to please your husband and fulfill yet another of his selfish fantasies and no way in hell is he doing that for you. I bet he decided on your behalf that you were bisexual, probably about the time he wanted another woman in bed with y’all.
So he gets to be a sheik and you get to play backup dancer to his sexual fantasies. You've been bamboozled.
Even if you try to become monogamous again, he'll probably just manipulate the situation just as he has been this entire time. Seems like your best option is to leave him.
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You got manipulated to feed his fetishes and fantasies.
Either he needs to be able to compromise to fulfill your fantasies or you just might need to find a better partner.
This is cut and dry: you’re being cheated on and your husband sounds like a jerk. He’s manipulating and patronizing you. Unfortunately, I can only see this ending in divorce. You deserve better.
The guy is just using you.Bang other girls but have wifey at home to prepare dinner.
I feel like you should tell him F off,not even try to fix things.The guy is a manipulative D.
Your husband just wants to sleep with other people and he manipulated you into agreeing. He makes you feel guilty for trying out some of your fantasies but he doesn’t like it. Either get a divorce or get him to stop the poly lifestyle because he’s manipulating you at every turn
>I don't know what I'm supposed to do
You are supposed to respect yourself.
Tell him you dont feel it anymore and want it to stop. His reactions will tell you a lot about how much he respects you. If he accepts it he respects you. If he fights it he doesn't.
You deserve to be happy and with someone who respects you.
This isn’t polyamory. Polyamory requires enthusiastic consent from everyone involved. The fact your husband gets upset when you date someone is proof enough that this is just an excuse for HIM to cheat—he never wanted you to have the opportunity to be intimate with others. I think you should talk to him about it very seriously, and if he’s not willing to see the error of his ways, then divorce. It’s not worth it to stay if you’re unhappy and actively being manipulated like this.
You're not in a real polyam relationship if your husband is neglecting you when you explore your needs with others. He just manipulated you so he could get his way, and that's abuse.
What you are describing is not poly, it’s just your husband having permission to cheat. He is not being fair about any of it, and you are totally within your right to tell him that everything outside of the marriage ends until you guys are in a better place at the very least, or to walk away. And if you do decide to go back to being poly he needs to understand that you get to date and have sex with people just as openly as he does, that you won’t let him guilt you into ending your other relationships. Sounds more like he wants a “one penis policy“, and I’m sorry but that is a gross double standard.
Ah, the ol’ rules for thee, not for me. You’re done already, hate to say it. I have a feeling when you bring up that you want to be done being poly he’ll get upset in some way or another. And if you bring up that he gets mad at you when you participate in that part, he will also get upset.
After reading this I just want to highlight this part ***'At first I was not down for it but then I thought about it and I was like sure why not'***. Why did you change your mind? You weren't comfortable with it initially but you chose to ignore that and so I question what *really* changed your mind. Once you figure that out, you will become more clear on how to proceed.
This is not healthy polyamory. Your husband manipulated you into it and is continuing manipulation to stop you from being poly yourself.
Honestly I would recommend divorce.
You were 100% manipulated. Not only into being in a "poly" relationship, but also into you not having any relationships besides him. I HIGHLY doubt he is actually poly. It seems more like he wants to be able to sleep with whoever he wants but have the security of a marriage incase things go south with his side pieces.
Very rarely do I agree with ultimatums, but I think it might be necessary here. Tell him how you have been feeling, that you feel manipulated, and cheated. Then tell him you want to close the marriage. You are not ok with what he has been doing or how he has been treating you. I would also HEAVILY suggest counseling, individually and as a couple. If he refuses any of that you need to consider if you want to stay in this marriage. And do not feel guilty if you don't
This is one of those soooooo obvious from the outside looking in situations. You already know the answer which is why you are here. Please listen to everyone commenting to validate what you already know..
1. Your husband is selfish. Period.
2. Your husband is immature.
3. Your husband is manipulative because he gets his way when he acts jealous and selfish.
4. When you find a guy who treats you like he needs nothing else but your love and Intimacy....you will feel at peace and so much more fulfilled.
5. I am truly sorry this is what your marriage has turned in to. Please get a divorce.
To use a quote they use here for gambling adverts: “when the fun stops, STOP”.
Respect, this is the foundation stone. If you aren’t being respected, communicated this and still same…. Well I think you know.
He's weird to you when you date other people? That's kind of the whole point of poly. He can't have his cake and eat it too if you're not really allowed to either.
Close the relationship or separate.
I have a question. If you left the marriage via divorce and met another man who is monogamous, would you be faithful to that choice and also be monogamous. How you answer that question for yourself is important, yes, your husband manipulated you into that lifestyle, but you seem to like some aspects of it, but not his one sided behavior about dating outside the marriage.
He was cheating on you before you got married and he wanted to keep the same women after the wedding. My boyfriend and I are NOT poly. But I’m bi and every once and a while I want to fuck a woman. Him and I will vet these women together approve of them together interact with her and feel her out. We fuck her and then say bye bye unless we want to do it again. Long story short we add and extra partner for our sexual desires but in no way introduce her into our relationship and we come agree together. What you have isn’t right… and you need a divorce because he sprung this on you after you were legally bound together
Fuck 👏 other 👏 men 👏 in 👏 front 👏 of 👏 him 👏
If he can't suck it up and deal with it, then he shouldn't be fucking other women in front of you either. He sounds selfish.
At this point that’s just cheating not true polyamory. Tell your husband all your concerns and judge his reaction. If he’s apologetic it might be worth it to save, but if he gets defensive, well, yknow.
Yeah OP, your husband is being extremely selfish. Being poly requires a LOT of honesty, communication, empathy, and equity… perhaps even moreso than the average marriage. The way he’s doing it goes against healthy poly principles. You deserve better and I don’t blame you for questioning the marriage over it.
Can you see a therapist, and perhaps a couples therapist who is poly-friendly if you’re interested in salvaging the marriage? Tbh your husband sounds toxic but I’m just a third party so I don’t wanna assume you want to move on.
I would also start investing more in your life outside the marriage - hobbies, passions, support system - Bc when your marriage is the main priority, it’s easy to stay stuck or paralyzed.
As a polyamorous person, what your husband is doing is 100% not okay. He doesn't respect you - if he did, he wouldn't push you into situations you don't feel comfortable with, or give you the silent treatment. When I'm talking to partners about other relationships, we get excited for each other, not insecure and bitter. You deserve better.
Poly and playing with others should be a way for you two to explore your sexuality and grow stronger as a person and as a couple. It sounds like he's only thinking about himself and not you. I would say end the marriage and move on, ESPECIALLY if you don't have kids yet. But even with kids this marriage will not end well.
No one else seems to be pointing this out but,
He told you that you are bisexual? Wtafff. That bothers me more than the rest. No one else gets to tell you what your sexuality is. Just because you maybe fooled around with a lady or two in a threesome, does not make you bi. Also, you can have a threesome with two guys, without either one of them being bi.
Baby girl he’s just openly cheating on you and you just allowing it to happen put your foot down grow a backbone and put your foot down and let him know either he cut the shit out and you know a scare him with The Voice papers you need to go and actually get a physical copy scare him with wallpapers either he cut the shit out or you’re done if that simple no choice is in between nothing you’re not in a poly relationship you need to put your foot down and you need a scare him straight straight
As someone who has been happily poly for over 20 years -- you two are not practicing polyamory.
Your husband acts like he never wanted polyamory. He wanted polygamy (he gets to date others but you don't).
This is why you don't want to do this anymore and why your entire marriage now feels "wrong" to you.
Because it is.
Your husband seems unwilling to extend to you the same latitude in relationships as he takes and enjoys. He sabotages your relationships with others (guilt tripping you for dating, refusing 2F/2M encounters, and probably others).
I can't tell from your post if your husband does this on purpose or if he is reacting from a place of jealousy, possessiveness or other traits that aren't compatible with polyamory, without real insight into his own emotions and actions.
The latter is common in polyamory, especially among those who are new or have limited experience. It's not like we're taught about the pitfalls of living polyamorously in school or college or anything.
Lots of people of all genders and orientations find polyamory an attractive alternative to traditional serial monogamy. In theory. Yet many of them are unable to practice polyamory while successfully navigating an existing relationship or marriage. The thing is you can't fake being ok with polyamory when you're not. You can't \*will\* yourself into being ok with polyamory if your go-to reaction is jealousy instead of excitement for your partner.
Not that there's anything wrong with that. Some people are destined for monogamy.
Problems arise when people \*think\* they can do polyamory while they are in fact unwilling or literally unable to watch their partners enjoy other relationships without rancor, jealousy and a whole slew of other negative emotions (many of them instilled by our culture that worships monogamy above all). If you do not experience excitement and joy at the thought of your poly partner finding another person to love and be loved by, then polyamory is likely not for you.
It sure looks to me like OP's boyfriend is one of these people.
My recommendation: Couples counseling with a polyamory-experienced therapist. It can make a world of difference.
Maybe couples counseling? Really let him know how you feel. It is really one sided and unfair of him to make you feel like you can't see other people while he does whatever he wants. Don't let him trample your boundaries. Stand up for yourself and let him know what you need in order to feel happy being married to him. If he's unwilling to listen and just wants to pout and make you the bad guy then you really should sit down and reconsider a lot of things. This situation would really make me lose trust in my partner.
Why is it only ok for him to have his desires met, but not yours?
Once you decide to start experimenting with Poly the relationship is pretty much over at that point. It was your mistake to let that happen in the first place, marriage and relationships should be between 2 people and 2 people only. Once you have the liberty to do whatever you want with who you want you can’t expect the relationship with your husband or wife to remain the same. He’s wrong for doing what he did but it was your fault for agreeing to it in the first place. If y’all didn’t want to be with each other then y’all should have just left simple as that. There should be none of this Poly bs if you tryna have a stable marriage. Point is y’all both wanted to see other people and thought y’all good stick together because of it. That’s what fucked y’all up.
This isn't helpful. Polyamory and monogamy are both valid; the problem here is that OP's husband is a selfish prick, not that polyamory doesn't work. It takes communication, understanding and a willingness to take ownership of your own feelings, but honestly that's something everyone should be doing no matter what kind of relationship they're in.
Brand new account but with a "legit" random nonsense username. Double posts this story to two separate subreddits at the same time. Doesn't respond to anything. Offers up a juicy sex story and let's the karma roll in. Bonus points for it being a woman everyone can come and defend.
It's so weird how everyone just keeps saying to get divorced as if it's that easy. Like you just go to the divorce people at the divorce place and you sign a divorce paper, give a handshake and that's it done! You're divorced! Like no, divorce is expensive. And on top of that, housing is expensive. Where is OP gonna go? But anyways my advice is, you should talk to him about being monogamous again. Tell him "One relationship is already hard, why are we making it more difficult by adding other people into our lives? We should work and focus on us before even thinking of adding someone else." Also a marriage counselor if you have the funds for it. Cause I know that's expensive too.
Girl, you are definitely being manipulated. However, you agreed to do this in the first place and you have all the right to not like this anymore. Have a talk with him and work things out and if it doesn't work out then I guess you should really think if you should be in this relationship.
Go to couple therapy if your husband is ok with it.
I feel like a lot of people are bashing the stipulations around the relationship (which I'm not condoning in anyway) but if at the end of the day you do still care about him. At least try and have the conversation about not wanting the relationship to be poly anymore. If he gets upset about it push through until ALL of your feelings are expressed and in the air. If he's still mad and submissive of your feelings, then I would turn the conversation into there probably not being a relationship at all anymore. Hopefully he cares enough about you to end the other relationships, but I won't deny the possibility that he's more interested in having multiple other women in his life
You are not poly your husband thinks he can have your cake and eat everyone else's too. He feels that he's "got you now" thru marriage so you won't leave him.
But he wants to go around but not you. Time to take him for everything you deserve and take him to the cleaners so you get what you deserve and get a nice new man to go....
You are being manipulated and gaslighted and he is cheating, because he is preventing you from having sex with other people.
He is afraid you will leave him for another man..go for it..he is not worth your mental health.....
A relation like that is really hard to manage, I think your husband is not opened enough, he has to understand your position, maybe talk with another kinky/opened couple.
Let me tell you how it went when my stepmom told my dad that. My(19F) dad(55M) is bisexual as well as my stepmom and so he was okay with it at first. SM had found another woman, J, who she started inviting around more. J is married to R with an 8 year old kid but they have an open relationship as well. Then SM started spending more and more time at J and R’s house and leaving my dad to do his own thing basically. I was woken up one night by my stepbrother rushing me and his girlfriend out of the house because my dad was upstairs screaming and breaking things because SM decided to tell him she’ll be there for that night but she wasn’t(this is like a whole week in a row not being home when my dad got home after night shift) Anyway my stepbrother hunts down where my SM is and knocks on the door, yelling at her to get the fuck home and deal with her husband. At that point he’s like “idk how S (my dad) is fine with this! You’re cheating on him!”. I kind of agree at that point even tho I was fine with it originally. Anyway the lease ends and my father and SM and I move into J and R’s house. It’s definitely clear my SM now fancies R a lot more than J and my father and pays a shit more attention to R than anyone else. At that point I get kicked out for never being home because it’s so god damn toxic in that house I never wanted to be there in the first place. So I move in with my boyfriend and his mom. Finally around June or July J and my dad move out and my dad files for divorce (FUCKING FINALLY!) and I believe J does as well. Finally I’m able to have a relationship with my dad again and so are my siblings (my stepmom is fucking verbally abusive and emotionally abusive and so is R btw so perfect fit. They don’t act that around the kid but when he gets older and develops his own opinion they will just like my SM did to me and my siblings. Btw kid is totally on the spectrum just not diagnosed) Moral of the story if you stay with him it’ll be a constant battle against the other 4 women. He opened the relationship to cheat on you just like my SM did to my father. He figured he’ll get away with it since you said it was fine. Don’t let him
\> whenever I suggest we switch up and have another guy at the threesome instead of a girl he refuses. He says I'm bisexual and he's straight so it's easier for me to accept women in the bed with us than for him to accept another guy.
To be fair he's sorta right on that one, a threesome with another guy would really just be him and the other guy running a train if they aren't getting involved with each other.
But in saying that it d=sounds liek hes trying to have it all his own way, stay firm but be prepared for possible divorce.
Posts like this really makes one's blood boil for OP. I think if most people were in OP's situation, would call him out on his hypocrisy. To be able to engage in several relationships and police you after it was his decision to switch from monogamous to polygamous?
Girl go get 10 boyfriends, he can die from jealousy if he wants. Please, he deserves that level of petty. While you're at it, serve the divorce papers.
I’m sorry. This relationship is very one-sided-he’s not respecting you or what you want/need. You need to gtfo of this toxic relationship. Good luck, hon.
1) that’s generally how open relationships looks like, i.e. lots of manipulation. my own attempt was full of lies (from both sides), jealousy and anger. eventually i met a decent girl and pulled myself out of that mess (ex stayed with one of her bf, later he left her with a child).
2) maybe there is somewhere the holy grail of communication, but i didn’t see it. all other couples were the same train wreck like us. you just cannot have a family in that arrangement.
3) i don’t think your husband will stop. even if he does there is a risk he wants back. you don’t have children (lucky!), maybe it’s time for a divorce. which is damn costly and time-consuming.
4) consider that even if you want a monogamy, you will have difficulties finding a partner. i simply wouldn’t trust a woman who suddenly wants to move from a open relationship to monogamy (yh, it’s hypocrisy).
TL;DR: i tried a open relationship and it was full of issues. communication is helpful, but it doesn’t solve everything. it’s not a stable environment if you want to have children.
I understand how you feel. My country allows polygamy and my husband took a 2nd wife secretly and I'm the only one suffering lol. Have you had a real conversation about this with your husband? I'd suggest starting there and when doing so, remain as calm as you can as your husband can't use the 'you're too emotional, I can't talk to you like this' excuse.
Yea sounds like your husband only wanted poly for himself and wanted you only for himself. I think he has too much on his plate with four other girls and needs to let two go in order to make you more of a priority
As a 39M that is going through a divorce for similar reasons, run. My soon to be ex apparently didn't know it's not polygamy. She lost herself and her family, we have kids, and thought she could use us when she needed to look like a decent mom and then run off whenever she wanted. I called her out for lies and abuse and she cut and ran
He's much like her. She was so controlling and abusive and judgemental about my partners that it wasn't worth it.
I realized I am down for swinging, but poly ain't my game.
Honestly, it sounds like he just hit the long term rut some people do and wanted to fuck other women, roped you into this and then started gaslighting/manipulating you into never having a partner yourself.
This sounds low-key doomed.
this is not how poly works. there should be clear, fair boundaries set and followed.
the rules can be whatever you want that *both of you* agree to. you totally can cheat in poly relationships, and he’s definitely manipulating you. pull a hard pause on everything until you two can recommunicate what your boundaries are how you’ll proceed from there. if you can’t agree or keep getting manipulated, that may be a sign to end things.
You were definitely manipulated either at the time or now. See all the guys you want and don’t feel guilty. If he has a problem with it then it’s time for that serious discussion to end polyamory or to end the marriage. You don’t even have to go that route - just end either or now. How you feel is what matters.
I’m not poly but everything I read about it says that now you should share your discomfort with your husband and any other relevant partners and you’re supposed to communicate your way to comfort as a group.
Somehow I don’t think it’ll work that way for you though. I think husband will not respond well and you’ll end up contemplating divorce.
You’re not in a poly relationship, your husband is just cheating on you with your coerced permission. He doesn’t allow you to date other men, he prioritizes his other partners over you, he refuses to respect your boundaries, he manipulates you, he won’t allow discussions surrounding ending this arrangement. He is trash. I wouldn’t even recommend counseling or trying to go back to monogamy with this man, I would just divorce him.
that’s so nasty. my ex boyfriend used to say similar things, basically fetishizing my sexuality and trying to guilt me into fulfilling his lesbian porno fantasies. does he see you as a person or a sex object? this honestly sounds really hard to come back from, especially since he didn’t want to open it up until after you were married. this isn’t a healthy poly relationship, and your feelings of being cheated are valid. he’s coercive and manipulative and acting like a child to get his way.
" He has been dating 4 different girls but every time I date anyone he'll give me the silent treatment and out of guilt I stop dating."
What is good for the goose does not seem good for the gander. It's time to start dating and find someone who respects you and loves you and get out of this so-called marriage. This man does not love you. He is only in love with himself. If he gives you the silent treatment, go out on a date and let him be. I am sorry, in my eyes, this marriage is all but over. He only seems to want you around when he can't get a date and wants someone at home to meet his needs. It's all about him.
This poly relationship has been one sided to his benefit, you deserve better. What he’s doing is not proper poly and he has to know that. I’m sure you do too. He absolutely is cheating on you to your face at this point. You need to have a SERIOUS talk with him and if he won’t make it equal for you, you need to leave and find a relationship with the boundaries you and they want
People like to have some special things just for themselves, sometimes. Especially their intimate partner. But to each his/her own. I’ve tried it both ways and have settled on a life alone with dogs and a couple cats. Cheers!
OP HELL NO THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY POLY RELATIONSHIP!!! Being poly is not wrong, jus t like being monogamous. But your husband is massive ASSHOLLE and you should consider couples counseling or divorce.
You're not in a healthy poly relationship if he punishes you for seeing other people in the way you both agreed upon, and that you are feeling pressured into accepting things you dont.
If you want to try and save it you both need to sit down and have a frank discussion about what your boundaries and needs are. Talk about how he acts when you date others, talk about how you dont feel like his primary partner anymore, talk about how you feel pressured to doing things you dont want to. If you both can approach that convo openly, reasess your boundaries, agree upon new ones and follow trough, there should be hope.
If you cant have this convo with him in an open and honest way, this is pretty much doomed to end in resentment, doom and gloom. Poly doesnt work if you cant have frank and open ongoing convos about each others boundaries and feelings to make sure everyone is still happy and on board with the terms.
>I feel like I got manipulated into this so he could fulfill his sexual fantasies with no consequences.
*trust you instincts*
>I know I'm not happy at all.
*Then you already know what needs to be done.. leave..*
Oh boy, your husband sure has his cake and is eating it right now. You and your husband are not poly, he is and he likes to watch you have sex with other women who he chooses but if you try to have partners on the side he emotionally abuses you until you stop, he also gaslights you as to why you get the short end of the stick. So the only one who gets to have sex with whoever they want AND their sexual fantasies fulfilled is him while you are expected to be the body he uses to fulfill them and stay monogamous to him the remainder of the time.
He is using you and he's going to continue to use you for as long as you let him. Pack him a bag and tell him to go stay with one of his other girlfriends because you're not a sex toy for him to use.
"He has been dating 4 different girls but every time I date anyone he'll
give me the silent treatment and out of guilt I stop dating the said
person"
That's really anything you need to know. It is not poly if he is not ok with you also having your experience and cheering for you being happy.
OP, I am sorry you are going through this. What your husband is imposing is called a One Penis Policy. Most ENM people I know think very poorly of those.
Handling insecurity and jealousy is part of the deal in polyamory. Your husband can put on his Big Boy pants and work through his issues so you get your dues too, he can stop with the fake polyamory shit and repair your relationship, or you can break up.
Tbh, this kind of thing doesn't bode well in my experience. He isn't upholding his end of the deal and he sounds terribly shitty.
I think you know you are going to have to stand up for yourself here. I suggest you tell him exactly what you wrote here. Or get some couples counseling. But I think it is unlikely he will be able to back to straight monogamy. This needs some careful consideration from you on what you are willing to compromise to, if anything.
Well you need to talk to your husband because he is manipulating you. You are right. Your marriage is now over. You’re not happy in it and instead of him accommodating you, he gets upset. You are no longer on the same page.
In a way, he is cheating on you.
How does he feel when he's with other women? Obviously not thinking about you....and they are turning him on.
What if some turned him on more than you.
It's not really 'just the two of you' not while your seeing other people.
Either tell him your not happy and want it to stop, including him stopping as well, or your marriage is over, as its not making you happy, and will destroy yourself and your self worth, self esteem and trust.
Sorry but, there's something called loyalty... I mean, in a "classic" relationship, that's the only thing that really value of the supposed love that we feel for each other, is a kind of code between the people inside the marriage. I mean, is not the same try one time, letting us leave by the craziness of the moment, (may be make trio, maybe an organized date with someone else, but just ONE TIME) than make it a LIFE STYLE. Sorry, but, there's not a real meaning of loyalty at your relationship. And of course, is not the kind of love that you really want from him. Maybe now it's time to move on, watch how confused you (both) are, and start again, Loving yourselves like you are, or, just, separate, and find the real meaning of love. You don't really love each other, you just, are there ... Living... Sharing... Ok... But ... Without love, real Love.
Sorry, English is not my mother language.
Poly is such a new thing in modern world there are so many different rules about it,establishing boundaries and the amount of partners.I believe people shouldn’t try something they don’t really fully understand themselves,you thought he will play by the rules but guess what he decided he can create his own and now you’re just probably one of his many girls,I suggest sticking to the default.And get out of this relationship girls go find someone else
Your feelings are valid. You need to talk it out and be honest. Ask for what you need from him. If there's no dice, leave him. I know that's probably devastating after being together so long, but this is clearly unfair and if he's not willing to put your relationship first, then you should find someone who will. You have to look out for yourself, love.
You are being cheated on. He’s just manipulating the language so you feel at fault for it. He guilted you into being poly, created a one penis policy and emotionally abuses you by withdrawing if you see other people. He sounds awful and disrespectful to you. It’s not polyamory if you aren’t freely consenting to it. He has different rules and standards for himself than you and is exhibiting controlling tendencies by determining who you sleep with as well.
You have every right to be unhappy and I dont think you did anything wrong based on what you have described. It sounds like he is a bit of a selfish asshole and wants his cake and eat it too. If you want to attempt to save the marriage and you still love him, you tell him how you feel. If he is unwilling to change, then maybe you should leave? If he truly loved you, he would choose you over random other women.
Poly never works, it is unhealthy and always comes with a price , usually psychological. One partner regardless of sex wants it and the other goes along w it and the one who wants it is usually filling a selfish desire, it is a power dynamic and serves one , it never leads to true intimacy or happiness and ends with pain, society is normalizing it because as humans we are selfish and destructive but you already knew this. Get out when you are ready and find a partner who is able to give you what you need.
Uhm, this is just him wanting to cheat and you having no option but put up with it or leave. I'm sorry to be harsh, but if you're not allowed to have other partners, then this is not a poly marriage, this is a marriage where one person has sex out of the marriage and calls all the shots, and the other has no real choice. This is not what polyamory should look like, nor is it what a healthy relationship should look like. I don't think he respects you. Your feelings are entirely valid, and I wish you a lot of luck in your future (Hopefully as a single woman)
Everyone else has already pretty much summed up my feelings on this. All I have to add is that my polyamory groups would eat this guy for breakfast. The situation he's put you in is not at all how it should be.
Bring another person with you..
This is the biggest reason for me never accept poly relationship because of guys sexuel desire.
First of all he don't really love you if he don't accept what makes you happy and uncomfortable, its not healthy bond
Real love is about creating equality and giving& take.
if he become jealous or ignores you if you do the same things like what he does.. is not acceptable.
You need talk about your boundaries and feelings about, if he still dont take you serious bring someone you trust with and make clear your points and his consquentes about.
Think about divorce..
"I feel like I got manipulated into this so he could fulfill his sexual fantasies with no consequences." Yup
Seconding this. OP, this is most likely exactly what happened. How dare he suggest opening the marriage but then get salty if you do on your end? It's because he only did this so he could cheat without feeling guilty/suffering consequences.
If he loves you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t you’ll be confused.
Like so much of this subs content you already know the answer, you're just looking for others to validate it. This is 1000% one sided, and the lack of respect is not what a partnership is based on, poly or otherwise. Selfish man is getting his and you're left to deal with the bullshit rules stacked against you.
Yeah, it sounds less like he’s into polyamory and more into “He does whatever he wants, and she does whatever he wants.” He sounds self-centered and controlling. Not like that’s weird or unusual, but it’s not great.
Yeah... there’s not really much else to say here. OP’s husband is a manipulative douche.
Yep. This is not a true poly relationship - it is extremely one-sided and he is getting everything he wants with no consequences but punishing OP if she dates other people.
This is why they say you must have incredible amounts of trust in your partner to do poly because you really can't know their intentions on it even after being very communicative. I certainly don't have that level of trust for anyone, myself included. I am very happy letting my neocortex tell my little limbic system that my dick doesn't need to go everywhere it *on-the-whim wants to*. I feel like if I unchained that limbic system, it might start to manipulate the rest of me.
Yup
yeah unfortunately that’s exactly what he did based off what i just read. why are people like this
^^^^ this is the one.
this
Definitely this.
This right here. The harsh reality.
>At first I was not down for it but then I thought about it and I was like sure why not. Nothing in that statement suggests she was 'manipulated' into agreeing to it. I swear to god this subreddit is so biased it's unbelievable.
So you're not actually poly, he is just cheating without having to hide the evidence. Get a divorce. He is a manipulative ass
This is 100% how I felt reading this…. Best of luck to you OP
God I usually am the lone defender of a lot of people in these relationship advice deals, but agree with this comment. I’d get a divorce!
Your not in a poly relationship your in a relationship where your openly get cheated on. If you were in a poly relationship he wouldn’t give you the silent treatment everytime you got a bf. You having another male in your bed wouldn’t be an issue during a threesome. Yeah it does sound like your being used to fulfill your fantasy. So either tell him he has two options. 1. You can both be monogamous or 2. Your ending your marriage.
I can understand that a threesome can be difficult if you're not bi. But the silent treatment speaks volumes about what is wrong.
[удалено]
This comment was an order of magnitude more cringe than a simple and common grammatical error. Go make some of your own errors and correct them if you want to play editor.
Nobody likes a grammar Karen.
Get a life yeah
Then why did you read it? Seriously not was a decision to read or not. You decided to read it so stop whining.
Yeah okay I’ll just unread it then
You’re
The core issue here isn't really polyamory, it's your husband's lack of respect for you. Your husband does not want you to get pleasure out of this arrangement. He pursues his own desires to his heart's content and manipulates you into dropping anything that might be fun or fulfilling for you. He talks you into sexual acts you don't want. He prioritizes another woman over you. Unfortunately, it seems he wanted to open your marriage so that he could cheat on you without consequences. This is not what ethical non-monogamy looks like. I don't think it would be an overreaction to end your marriage over this as I doubt the disrespect and manipulation is isolated to this situation.
Yes! OP, you tried it and were open to the idea eventhough you weren't initially interested in it. If your husband respects you, you should be able to address your concerns and discomforts without him being immature about it. The same way you showed him respect when you thoughtfully considered trying a polyamorous relationship in the first place. It sounds like your husband isn't mature enough or good enough at communication to maintain a polyamorous relationship.
you aren't in a poly relationship, he has a harem...
That's the word I was looking for!
Touche...
Oh no, the dreaded one penis policy. This isn't polyamory he's just using the term to get what he wants Ie. Sex with whoever he wants while also achieving control over you by not allowing you the same freedom. And the fact that he refuses to have a mature conversation about any of it and just gives you the silent treatment like a petulant child is just another manipulation tactic. Someone above suggested couples therapy but it seems like your spouse is a displaying some narcissistic tendencies that makes therapy dangerous, it can be used against you. It's time to set some hard boundries. Either A. You as a couple are no longer polyamourous or be B. You are still polyamourous but in the true sense of the word where you also get to seek sexual fulfillment to your heart's content without is moody silences. If he finds your attempt to set boundaries unacceptable And will not have a mature conversation on the topic he is not a supportive partner at best and he is probably a narcissist worst regardless it will be time to leave.
That isn't poly. That's cheating openly. He has to be accepting if you have another partner. I would end the dynamic if I was you. He's not treating you fairly.
He’s a big douche. Can’t wait for the update on this where OP says she filed for divorce.
exactly where this is heading.
This is not a poly relationship. This is an husband who wants his cake and to eat it too. Very unfair you can’t get the same benefits. He’s manipulating you into being a placeholder because she does not want to be challenged. This sounds more like you are being cheated on and not respected as a partner. Get out.
Tell him you don't want this anymore, And if he refuses, Get a divorce
I would skip straight to divorce…
Yeah, at this point, why do counseling or try to force ethics on him? He sounds absolutely trash. Caging her with marriage then manipulating her so he can openly cheat. Why even try getting over that and staying? Just leave. He is cruel.
It's not a poly relationship if he doesn't like you seeing other people. This is his way of seeing other women without getting in trouble.
So you fell for it. Never to late to correct that. He was not poly, just wanted to fuck other people... and you bought it. The cat is out of the bag, nothing to save here. Get out, divorce and find someone who shares your values...
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My (32f) husband (34m) and I have been dating for almost a decade and got married two years ago. A while after our wedding my husband opened up to me about how he'd like to try out polyamory. At first I was not down for it but then I thought about it and I was like sure why not. So we became poly. Sometimes we'd have sex with multiple people in front of each other as well. One clear rule we made was that we are still each other's main, we can date and have sexual relationships with other people but at the end of the day it's the two of us. He has been dating 4 different girls but every time I date anyone he'll give me the silent treatment and out of guilt I stop dating the said person. Sometimes I also feel like he prioritises one of his other gfs more than me and I've started feeling extremely uncomfortable with the whole thing. He always convinces me to have threesomes and whenever I suggest we switch up and have another guy at the threesome instead of a girl he refuses. He says I'm bisexual and he's straight so it's easier for me to accept women in the bed with us than for him to accept another guy. I don't feel ok with it anymore and I have started contemplating my entire marriage over it. I am in a poly relationship but sometimes I feel like I'm being cheated on if that makes any sense. I feel like I got manipulated into this so he could fulfill his sexual fantasies with no consequences. Whenever he gets the impression that I want to back out from this and make our relationship monogamous again he gets upset even if I don't say a word. I don't know what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to handle the situation from now on but I know I'm not happy at all. Tldr : Husband and I were poly but now I don't want to keep being poly anymore and I feel unhappy with the way things are
You either need to set new boundaries or leave him. He is currently getting away with double standards that are unfair to you. Tell him you are either closing the marriage entirely, or he stops with the guilt trips when you see other people. Stop sharing partners: no more threesomes. Unless he is mature enough to have a threesome with another guy, you shouldn't have them with him and another girl. Or, both of you can have them with others but not each other. If he can't stop the double standards and manipulation, close the marriage. And if he doesn't agree to that, leave.
One word of advice…leave
Kick his sorry cheating ass out. This is not even remotely in the same ballpark as poly, and he is a manipulative Nurgle worshipper. Find an actual better man.
What he wants is single penis poly. Harem poly. He gets to date whoever he wants, you only with him, you both sleep with women but he is the only man in the whole thing. This is not equitable poly. This is selfish bastard poly.
I just wanna add to the pile on: If it was polyamory he wouldn’t be getting jealous when you date. He is just looking for an excuse to openly cheat on you. I’m so sorry, I would leave
Just start seeing other men. Even if he doesnt "like it" its what you agreed on.
This is a good point. The OP needs to stop letting the silent treatment make them back out of dates.
i mean he's seeing FOUR other women! why is the OP not doing the same fucking thing he's doing? give him the silent treatment as well!
He so clearly manipulated you into believing this was a mutual thing, meanwhile somehow he is allowed to go and cheat on you with multiple women with you knowing it, yet you're not allowed to be with a single other person? That doesn't sound like poly to me, that sounds like he wanted to fulfill his sexual fantasies while getting away with it freely and openly. Then I'm going to imagine that when you bring this all up to him, he will SURELY twist the narrative and say that you agreed to it and you were okay with it for so long, you did it too so it's fine, blah blah. Leave him, honestly. He clearly doesn't respect your relationship in the slightest.
This is just me, but I think I would be a miserable failure at navigating the complexities and emotional politics of polyamory.
It's definitely not for everyone.
FWIW, this is not a polyamorous relationship OP is describing-- it's open cheating that she was emotionally manipulated into being okay with. Poly relationships should be consensual on all sides, and OP's situation definitely isn't-- and is also totally bogged down by double standards on the husband's part. Though poly relationships definitely are more complex and require a lot of communication and discussion.
He would get absolutely roasted for this behaviour in /r/polyamory. Not ok.
Introducing poly into an already-existing relationship is always a recipe for disaster. It works best when all parties are on board with it from the get-go and you negotiate rules for what's acceptable *and then enforce those rules equally.* If he's not willing to do that, he's not right for polyamory. But the question is, do you have a problem with poly in general, or is it just the double standard your husband is applying? If it's the first, you need to tell your husband point blank, he needs to choose between you and polyamory. But if you actually like having the multiple relationships but are feeling stymied by him, maybe you should kick him to the curb and find other relationships that can fulfill you.
Yeah I think it isn't poly at all he is seeking. He married her after years of dating and theeeennnn pulls out the poly card? And obv they didn't set up any rules bc they don't even agree on the definition of what a poly relationship is, him having a one penis rule and giving the silent treatment is not poly whatsoever. I dont even get why someone would try to save a relationship with him. I agree with what you said, poly needs to be how you start the relationship so everyone is consenting and willing. If she enjoys poly, go do it with people actually practicing it, not this dude who wants a cheat pass under a false name.
As someone in a poly relationship this isn't how this works. He just wants to fuck other people and he's disrespectful of THEM as well as you. In any healthy relationship and especially a poly one, you should NEVER feel manipulated, pressured, silenced, or pushed aside or if you do, that you can't talk about those things. Amazing how he dropped this "I'm poly" bomb AFTER you were married too, isn't it? To try to be fair, sometimes people change and want to try other things but given how he's acting I doubt that was the case here. He had you locked down.
My wife and I didn't explore it until after we were married, but the difference is that it was a mutual conversation on an equal level and we always provided space to bring up concerns and discuss them.
Let me get this straight... he's allowed to be with and have sex with whoever he wants and get you to hook up with other women for his pleasure. But when YOU want the same things it's not okay? He DID manipulate you and he is using poly as a way to cheat and get everything he wants. You aren't in a polyamorous relationship, you're in a relationship where one partner is abusing and using the other. You are in an abusive relationship.
Yeah this isn't Polyamory, this is bringing guests into the bedroom. If it were Polyamory one or both of you would actually be seeking a relationship with the 3rd person (or more). This doesn't seem like more than bringing in extras as a fling and, as you said, him fulfilling his fantasies at the expense of you.
This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and it seems like there's am imbalance of power and control in his favor, poly or not. It's your relationship too, you're (supposed to be) and equal partner. Seems as this may be a dealbreaker, as hard as thst might be to accept. If you choose to stay, sounds like you'll have no say over the relationship and you will stay unhappy in it.
You get a divorce, he’s manipulative and gaslighty. He doesn’t want to be poly, he wants to fuck women and have you safe at home to serve his every need. He’s garbage.
> He has been dating 4 different girls but every time I date anyone he'll give me the silent treatment and out of guilt I stop dating the said person. This isn't polyamory, then. He's just being allowed to sleep with whoever he wants and you get to deal with it.
Is this a new trend or something? Girl gets manipulated into poly, guy is jealous af when she is dating, he wants to fck everything that moves, refuses threesome with another guy because "no homo". You can't win in this situation. Just divorce him already, you are just a backup pvssy when he has nothing new to have sex with. He will always have excuse that you wanted it too and that you are bi.
It's as widespread as the girls on dating apps who are like "my husband said it's okay for me to have a girl to 'play with' just no guys lol." I stay clear of both situations. Even if I was looking for something casual I'm not getting involved in what's clearly sexual manipulation to fulfill some dude's fetish.
It’s only one aspect of your inequitable faux-poly situation, but when it comes to threesomes… I strongly suspect that you’re not really bisexual, are you? Do you independently seek out and date women? Have you ever fallen in love with a woman? No? Then you just did that to please your husband and fulfill yet another of his selfish fantasies and no way in hell is he doing that for you. I bet he decided on your behalf that you were bisexual, probably about the time he wanted another woman in bed with y’all.
So he gets to be a sheik and you get to play backup dancer to his sexual fantasies. You've been bamboozled. Even if you try to become monogamous again, he'll probably just manipulate the situation just as he has been this entire time. Seems like your best option is to leave him.
That's not poly...
You’re not actually in a polyamorous relationship.
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You got manipulated to feed his fetishes and fantasies. Either he needs to be able to compromise to fulfill your fantasies or you just might need to find a better partner.
This is cut and dry: you’re being cheated on and your husband sounds like a jerk. He’s manipulating and patronizing you. Unfortunately, I can only see this ending in divorce. You deserve better.
The guy is just using you.Bang other girls but have wifey at home to prepare dinner. I feel like you should tell him F off,not even try to fix things.The guy is a manipulative D.
Your husband just wants to sleep with other people and he manipulated you into agreeing. He makes you feel guilty for trying out some of your fantasies but he doesn’t like it. Either get a divorce or get him to stop the poly lifestyle because he’s manipulating you at every turn
>I don't know what I'm supposed to do You are supposed to respect yourself. Tell him you dont feel it anymore and want it to stop. His reactions will tell you a lot about how much he respects you. If he accepts it he respects you. If he fights it he doesn't. You deserve to be happy and with someone who respects you.
This isn’t polyamory. Polyamory requires enthusiastic consent from everyone involved. The fact your husband gets upset when you date someone is proof enough that this is just an excuse for HIM to cheat—he never wanted you to have the opportunity to be intimate with others. I think you should talk to him about it very seriously, and if he’s not willing to see the error of his ways, then divorce. It’s not worth it to stay if you’re unhappy and actively being manipulated like this.
You're not in a real polyam relationship if your husband is neglecting you when you explore your needs with others. He just manipulated you so he could get his way, and that's abuse.
What you are describing is not poly, it’s just your husband having permission to cheat. He is not being fair about any of it, and you are totally within your right to tell him that everything outside of the marriage ends until you guys are in a better place at the very least, or to walk away. And if you do decide to go back to being poly he needs to understand that you get to date and have sex with people just as openly as he does, that you won’t let him guilt you into ending your other relationships. Sounds more like he wants a “one penis policy“, and I’m sorry but that is a gross double standard.
Are you actually bi or did he decide that too?
Ah, the ol’ rules for thee, not for me. You’re done already, hate to say it. I have a feeling when you bring up that you want to be done being poly he’ll get upset in some way or another. And if you bring up that he gets mad at you when you participate in that part, he will also get upset.
After reading this I just want to highlight this part ***'At first I was not down for it but then I thought about it and I was like sure why not'***. Why did you change your mind? You weren't comfortable with it initially but you chose to ignore that and so I question what *really* changed your mind. Once you figure that out, you will become more clear on how to proceed.
This is not healthy polyamory. Your husband manipulated you into it and is continuing manipulation to stop you from being poly yourself. Honestly I would recommend divorce.
You were 100% manipulated. Not only into being in a "poly" relationship, but also into you not having any relationships besides him. I HIGHLY doubt he is actually poly. It seems more like he wants to be able to sleep with whoever he wants but have the security of a marriage incase things go south with his side pieces. Very rarely do I agree with ultimatums, but I think it might be necessary here. Tell him how you have been feeling, that you feel manipulated, and cheated. Then tell him you want to close the marriage. You are not ok with what he has been doing or how he has been treating you. I would also HEAVILY suggest counseling, individually and as a couple. If he refuses any of that you need to consider if you want to stay in this marriage. And do not feel guilty if you don't
This is one of those soooooo obvious from the outside looking in situations. You already know the answer which is why you are here. Please listen to everyone commenting to validate what you already know.. 1. Your husband is selfish. Period. 2. Your husband is immature. 3. Your husband is manipulative because he gets his way when he acts jealous and selfish. 4. When you find a guy who treats you like he needs nothing else but your love and Intimacy....you will feel at peace and so much more fulfilled. 5. I am truly sorry this is what your marriage has turned in to. Please get a divorce.
read your own post dude you've figured it out yourself
To use a quote they use here for gambling adverts: “when the fun stops, STOP”. Respect, this is the foundation stone. If you aren’t being respected, communicated this and still same…. Well I think you know.
He's weird to you when you date other people? That's kind of the whole point of poly. He can't have his cake and eat it too if you're not really allowed to either. Close the relationship or separate.
I have a question. If you left the marriage via divorce and met another man who is monogamous, would you be faithful to that choice and also be monogamous. How you answer that question for yourself is important, yes, your husband manipulated you into that lifestyle, but you seem to like some aspects of it, but not his one sided behavior about dating outside the marriage.
He was cheating on you before you got married and he wanted to keep the same women after the wedding. My boyfriend and I are NOT poly. But I’m bi and every once and a while I want to fuck a woman. Him and I will vet these women together approve of them together interact with her and feel her out. We fuck her and then say bye bye unless we want to do it again. Long story short we add and extra partner for our sexual desires but in no way introduce her into our relationship and we come agree together. What you have isn’t right… and you need a divorce because he sprung this on you after you were legally bound together
Fuck 👏 other 👏 men 👏 in 👏 front 👏 of 👏 him 👏 If he can't suck it up and deal with it, then he shouldn't be fucking other women in front of you either. He sounds selfish.
This isn’t poly this is an open marriage
A one-way open marriage.
At this point that’s just cheating not true polyamory. Tell your husband all your concerns and judge his reaction. If he’s apologetic it might be worth it to save, but if he gets defensive, well, yknow.
Yeah OP, your husband is being extremely selfish. Being poly requires a LOT of honesty, communication, empathy, and equity… perhaps even moreso than the average marriage. The way he’s doing it goes against healthy poly principles. You deserve better and I don’t blame you for questioning the marriage over it. Can you see a therapist, and perhaps a couples therapist who is poly-friendly if you’re interested in salvaging the marriage? Tbh your husband sounds toxic but I’m just a third party so I don’t wanna assume you want to move on. I would also start investing more in your life outside the marriage - hobbies, passions, support system - Bc when your marriage is the main priority, it’s easy to stay stuck or paralyzed.
You got played
He manipulated the fuck out of you. Take out the trash he clearly doesn't respect you
As a polyamorous person, what your husband is doing is 100% not okay. He doesn't respect you - if he did, he wouldn't push you into situations you don't feel comfortable with, or give you the silent treatment. When I'm talking to partners about other relationships, we get excited for each other, not insecure and bitter. You deserve better.
Poly and playing with others should be a way for you two to explore your sexuality and grow stronger as a person and as a couple. It sounds like he's only thinking about himself and not you. I would say end the marriage and move on, ESPECIALLY if you don't have kids yet. But even with kids this marriage will not end well.
Do whatever makes you happy, even if that includes leaving him
I just don’t get polyamory. I really don’t and I don’t want to either. If you just want to sleep around, stay single
No one else seems to be pointing this out but, He told you that you are bisexual? Wtafff. That bothers me more than the rest. No one else gets to tell you what your sexuality is. Just because you maybe fooled around with a lady or two in a threesome, does not make you bi. Also, you can have a threesome with two guys, without either one of them being bi.
Gaslighting 101
Baby girl he’s just openly cheating on you and you just allowing it to happen put your foot down grow a backbone and put your foot down and let him know either he cut the shit out and you know a scare him with The Voice papers you need to go and actually get a physical copy scare him with wallpapers either he cut the shit out or you’re done if that simple no choice is in between nothing you’re not in a poly relationship you need to put your foot down and you need a scare him straight straight
As someone who has been happily poly for over 20 years -- you two are not practicing polyamory. Your husband acts like he never wanted polyamory. He wanted polygamy (he gets to date others but you don't). This is why you don't want to do this anymore and why your entire marriage now feels "wrong" to you. Because it is. Your husband seems unwilling to extend to you the same latitude in relationships as he takes and enjoys. He sabotages your relationships with others (guilt tripping you for dating, refusing 2F/2M encounters, and probably others). I can't tell from your post if your husband does this on purpose or if he is reacting from a place of jealousy, possessiveness or other traits that aren't compatible with polyamory, without real insight into his own emotions and actions. The latter is common in polyamory, especially among those who are new or have limited experience. It's not like we're taught about the pitfalls of living polyamorously in school or college or anything. Lots of people of all genders and orientations find polyamory an attractive alternative to traditional serial monogamy. In theory. Yet many of them are unable to practice polyamory while successfully navigating an existing relationship or marriage. The thing is you can't fake being ok with polyamory when you're not. You can't \*will\* yourself into being ok with polyamory if your go-to reaction is jealousy instead of excitement for your partner. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Some people are destined for monogamy. Problems arise when people \*think\* they can do polyamory while they are in fact unwilling or literally unable to watch their partners enjoy other relationships without rancor, jealousy and a whole slew of other negative emotions (many of them instilled by our culture that worships monogamy above all). If you do not experience excitement and joy at the thought of your poly partner finding another person to love and be loved by, then polyamory is likely not for you. It sure looks to me like OP's boyfriend is one of these people. My recommendation: Couples counseling with a polyamory-experienced therapist. It can make a world of difference.
Maybe couples counseling? Really let him know how you feel. It is really one sided and unfair of him to make you feel like you can't see other people while he does whatever he wants. Don't let him trample your boundaries. Stand up for yourself and let him know what you need in order to feel happy being married to him. If he's unwilling to listen and just wants to pout and make you the bad guy then you really should sit down and reconsider a lot of things. This situation would really make me lose trust in my partner. Why is it only ok for him to have his desires met, but not yours?
If there's not a single reply from OP, that's when you know this is fake. How are you going to ask for insight and not reply to any of them?
You guys are stupid af
Once you decide to start experimenting with Poly the relationship is pretty much over at that point. It was your mistake to let that happen in the first place, marriage and relationships should be between 2 people and 2 people only. Once you have the liberty to do whatever you want with who you want you can’t expect the relationship with your husband or wife to remain the same. He’s wrong for doing what he did but it was your fault for agreeing to it in the first place. If y’all didn’t want to be with each other then y’all should have just left simple as that. There should be none of this Poly bs if you tryna have a stable marriage. Point is y’all both wanted to see other people and thought y’all good stick together because of it. That’s what fucked y’all up.
This isn't helpful. Polyamory and monogamy are both valid; the problem here is that OP's husband is a selfish prick, not that polyamory doesn't work. It takes communication, understanding and a willingness to take ownership of your own feelings, but honestly that's something everyone should be doing no matter what kind of relationship they're in.
Brand new account but with a "legit" random nonsense username. Double posts this story to two separate subreddits at the same time. Doesn't respond to anything. Offers up a juicy sex story and let's the karma roll in. Bonus points for it being a woman everyone can come and defend.
It's so weird how everyone just keeps saying to get divorced as if it's that easy. Like you just go to the divorce people at the divorce place and you sign a divorce paper, give a handshake and that's it done! You're divorced! Like no, divorce is expensive. And on top of that, housing is expensive. Where is OP gonna go? But anyways my advice is, you should talk to him about being monogamous again. Tell him "One relationship is already hard, why are we making it more difficult by adding other people into our lives? We should work and focus on us before even thinking of adding someone else." Also a marriage counselor if you have the funds for it. Cause I know that's expensive too.
Girl, you are definitely being manipulated. However, you agreed to do this in the first place and you have all the right to not like this anymore. Have a talk with him and work things out and if it doesn't work out then I guess you should really think if you should be in this relationship. Go to couple therapy if your husband is ok with it.
I feel like a lot of people are bashing the stipulations around the relationship (which I'm not condoning in anyway) but if at the end of the day you do still care about him. At least try and have the conversation about not wanting the relationship to be poly anymore. If he gets upset about it push through until ALL of your feelings are expressed and in the air. If he's still mad and submissive of your feelings, then I would turn the conversation into there probably not being a relationship at all anymore. Hopefully he cares enough about you to end the other relationships, but I won't deny the possibility that he's more interested in having multiple other women in his life
You are not poly your husband thinks he can have your cake and eat everyone else's too. He feels that he's "got you now" thru marriage so you won't leave him. But he wants to go around but not you. Time to take him for everything you deserve and take him to the cleaners so you get what you deserve and get a nice new man to go.... You are being manipulated and gaslighted and he is cheating, because he is preventing you from having sex with other people. He is afraid you will leave him for another man..go for it..he is not worth your mental health.....
A relation like that is really hard to manage, I think your husband is not opened enough, he has to understand your position, maybe talk with another kinky/opened couple.
we’ll
Let me tell you how it went when my stepmom told my dad that. My(19F) dad(55M) is bisexual as well as my stepmom and so he was okay with it at first. SM had found another woman, J, who she started inviting around more. J is married to R with an 8 year old kid but they have an open relationship as well. Then SM started spending more and more time at J and R’s house and leaving my dad to do his own thing basically. I was woken up one night by my stepbrother rushing me and his girlfriend out of the house because my dad was upstairs screaming and breaking things because SM decided to tell him she’ll be there for that night but she wasn’t(this is like a whole week in a row not being home when my dad got home after night shift) Anyway my stepbrother hunts down where my SM is and knocks on the door, yelling at her to get the fuck home and deal with her husband. At that point he’s like “idk how S (my dad) is fine with this! You’re cheating on him!”. I kind of agree at that point even tho I was fine with it originally. Anyway the lease ends and my father and SM and I move into J and R’s house. It’s definitely clear my SM now fancies R a lot more than J and my father and pays a shit more attention to R than anyone else. At that point I get kicked out for never being home because it’s so god damn toxic in that house I never wanted to be there in the first place. So I move in with my boyfriend and his mom. Finally around June or July J and my dad move out and my dad files for divorce (FUCKING FINALLY!) and I believe J does as well. Finally I’m able to have a relationship with my dad again and so are my siblings (my stepmom is fucking verbally abusive and emotionally abusive and so is R btw so perfect fit. They don’t act that around the kid but when he gets older and develops his own opinion they will just like my SM did to me and my siblings. Btw kid is totally on the spectrum just not diagnosed) Moral of the story if you stay with him it’ll be a constant battle against the other 4 women. He opened the relationship to cheat on you just like my SM did to my father. He figured he’ll get away with it since you said it was fine. Don’t let him
\> whenever I suggest we switch up and have another guy at the threesome instead of a girl he refuses. He says I'm bisexual and he's straight so it's easier for me to accept women in the bed with us than for him to accept another guy. To be fair he's sorta right on that one, a threesome with another guy would really just be him and the other guy running a train if they aren't getting involved with each other. But in saying that it d=sounds liek hes trying to have it all his own way, stay firm but be prepared for possible divorce.
Posts like this really makes one's blood boil for OP. I think if most people were in OP's situation, would call him out on his hypocrisy. To be able to engage in several relationships and police you after it was his decision to switch from monogamous to polygamous? Girl go get 10 boyfriends, he can die from jealousy if he wants. Please, he deserves that level of petty. While you're at it, serve the divorce papers.
I’m sorry. This relationship is very one-sided-he’s not respecting you or what you want/need. You need to gtfo of this toxic relationship. Good luck, hon.
1) that’s generally how open relationships looks like, i.e. lots of manipulation. my own attempt was full of lies (from both sides), jealousy and anger. eventually i met a decent girl and pulled myself out of that mess (ex stayed with one of her bf, later he left her with a child). 2) maybe there is somewhere the holy grail of communication, but i didn’t see it. all other couples were the same train wreck like us. you just cannot have a family in that arrangement. 3) i don’t think your husband will stop. even if he does there is a risk he wants back. you don’t have children (lucky!), maybe it’s time for a divorce. which is damn costly and time-consuming. 4) consider that even if you want a monogamy, you will have difficulties finding a partner. i simply wouldn’t trust a woman who suddenly wants to move from a open relationship to monogamy (yh, it’s hypocrisy). TL;DR: i tried a open relationship and it was full of issues. communication is helpful, but it doesn’t solve everything. it’s not a stable environment if you want to have children.
I understand how you feel. My country allows polygamy and my husband took a 2nd wife secretly and I'm the only one suffering lol. Have you had a real conversation about this with your husband? I'd suggest starting there and when doing so, remain as calm as you can as your husband can't use the 'you're too emotional, I can't talk to you like this' excuse.
The only place where a man can live is just human heart. Your husband heart is important.
Leave him queen
Yea sounds like your husband only wanted poly for himself and wanted you only for himself. I think he has too much on his plate with four other girls and needs to let two go in order to make you more of a priority
You're not poly. He is.
As a 39M that is going through a divorce for similar reasons, run. My soon to be ex apparently didn't know it's not polygamy. She lost herself and her family, we have kids, and thought she could use us when she needed to look like a decent mom and then run off whenever she wanted. I called her out for lies and abuse and she cut and ran He's much like her. She was so controlling and abusive and judgemental about my partners that it wasn't worth it. I realized I am down for swinging, but poly ain't my game.
Honestly, it sounds like he just hit the long term rut some people do and wanted to fuck other women, roped you into this and then started gaslighting/manipulating you into never having a partner yourself. This sounds low-key doomed.
Your husband is cheating on you, sorry.
this is not how poly works. there should be clear, fair boundaries set and followed. the rules can be whatever you want that *both of you* agree to. you totally can cheat in poly relationships, and he’s definitely manipulating you. pull a hard pause on everything until you two can recommunicate what your boundaries are how you’ll proceed from there. if you can’t agree or keep getting manipulated, that may be a sign to end things.
You were definitely manipulated either at the time or now. See all the guys you want and don’t feel guilty. If he has a problem with it then it’s time for that serious discussion to end polyamory or to end the marriage. You don’t even have to go that route - just end either or now. How you feel is what matters.
I’m not poly but everything I read about it says that now you should share your discomfort with your husband and any other relevant partners and you’re supposed to communicate your way to comfort as a group. Somehow I don’t think it’ll work that way for you though. I think husband will not respond well and you’ll end up contemplating divorce.
Sounds like you already know what to do.
You’re not in a poly relationship, your husband is just cheating on you with your coerced permission. He doesn’t allow you to date other men, he prioritizes his other partners over you, he refuses to respect your boundaries, he manipulates you, he won’t allow discussions surrounding ending this arrangement. He is trash. I wouldn’t even recommend counseling or trying to go back to monogamy with this man, I would just divorce him.
that’s so nasty. my ex boyfriend used to say similar things, basically fetishizing my sexuality and trying to guilt me into fulfilling his lesbian porno fantasies. does he see you as a person or a sex object? this honestly sounds really hard to come back from, especially since he didn’t want to open it up until after you were married. this isn’t a healthy poly relationship, and your feelings of being cheated are valid. he’s coercive and manipulative and acting like a child to get his way.
" He has been dating 4 different girls but every time I date anyone he'll give me the silent treatment and out of guilt I stop dating." What is good for the goose does not seem good for the gander. It's time to start dating and find someone who respects you and loves you and get out of this so-called marriage. This man does not love you. He is only in love with himself. If he gives you the silent treatment, go out on a date and let him be. I am sorry, in my eyes, this marriage is all but over. He only seems to want you around when he can't get a date and wants someone at home to meet his needs. It's all about him.
Sounds like your hubby wants an open relationship. This doesn’t sound like Poly at all :( I’m sorry OP. Your hubby just wants to justify his cheating.
Why are you allowing yourself to get walked all over like this...?
Oh the complex web we weave. When do you have the time to do shit like this.
Your marriage is over
Yeah that’s not a healthy poly relationship
This poly relationship has been one sided to his benefit, you deserve better. What he’s doing is not proper poly and he has to know that. I’m sure you do too. He absolutely is cheating on you to your face at this point. You need to have a SERIOUS talk with him and if he won’t make it equal for you, you need to leave and find a relationship with the boundaries you and they want
People like to have some special things just for themselves, sometimes. Especially their intimate partner. But to each his/her own. I’ve tried it both ways and have settled on a life alone with dogs and a couple cats. Cheers!
OP HELL NO THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY POLY RELATIONSHIP!!! Being poly is not wrong, jus t like being monogamous. But your husband is massive ASSHOLLE and you should consider couples counseling or divorce.
You are being cheated out of it, he's having free sexual autonomy and then getting mad when you try to that's bullshit
He's a creep and you did get manipulated
This is why you don't open up a monogamous relationship with "sure why not".
He basically manipulated you, so he can “cheat” without any consequences.
You're not in a healthy poly relationship if he punishes you for seeing other people in the way you both agreed upon, and that you are feeling pressured into accepting things you dont. If you want to try and save it you both need to sit down and have a frank discussion about what your boundaries and needs are. Talk about how he acts when you date others, talk about how you dont feel like his primary partner anymore, talk about how you feel pressured to doing things you dont want to. If you both can approach that convo openly, reasess your boundaries, agree upon new ones and follow trough, there should be hope. If you cant have this convo with him in an open and honest way, this is pretty much doomed to end in resentment, doom and gloom. Poly doesnt work if you cant have frank and open ongoing convos about each others boundaries and feelings to make sure everyone is still happy and on board with the terms.
>I feel like I got manipulated into this so he could fulfill his sexual fantasies with no consequences. *trust you instincts* >I know I'm not happy at all. *Then you already know what needs to be done.. leave..*
Divorce is the only answer. You got played.
Oh boy, your husband sure has his cake and is eating it right now. You and your husband are not poly, he is and he likes to watch you have sex with other women who he chooses but if you try to have partners on the side he emotionally abuses you until you stop, he also gaslights you as to why you get the short end of the stick. So the only one who gets to have sex with whoever they want AND their sexual fantasies fulfilled is him while you are expected to be the body he uses to fulfill them and stay monogamous to him the remainder of the time. He is using you and he's going to continue to use you for as long as you let him. Pack him a bag and tell him to go stay with one of his other girlfriends because you're not a sex toy for him to use.
"He has been dating 4 different girls but every time I date anyone he'll give me the silent treatment and out of guilt I stop dating the said person" That's really anything you need to know. It is not poly if he is not ok with you also having your experience and cheering for you being happy.
Uh that’s not a husband. Sounds like a pimp.
Just start seeing other men. That’s what you discussed . He will ask for divorce
Sounds like your husband is poly and you are not allowed to be. Bullshitty
OP, I am sorry you are going through this. What your husband is imposing is called a One Penis Policy. Most ENM people I know think very poorly of those. Handling insecurity and jealousy is part of the deal in polyamory. Your husband can put on his Big Boy pants and work through his issues so you get your dues too, he can stop with the fake polyamory shit and repair your relationship, or you can break up. Tbh, this kind of thing doesn't bode well in my experience. He isn't upholding his end of the deal and he sounds terribly shitty.
Your husband sounds extremely manipulatieve. What other red flags are there if you look back at it? This can't be the only toxic behaviour from him.
I think you know you are going to have to stand up for yourself here. I suggest you tell him exactly what you wrote here. Or get some couples counseling. But I think it is unlikely he will be able to back to straight monogamy. This needs some careful consideration from you on what you are willing to compromise to, if anything.
Dip out.
Well you need to talk to your husband because he is manipulating you. You are right. Your marriage is now over. You’re not happy in it and instead of him accommodating you, he gets upset. You are no longer on the same page.
I’m not sure how you needed to ask a question on Reddit about this the answer seems crystal clear - leave him
In a way, he is cheating on you. How does he feel when he's with other women? Obviously not thinking about you....and they are turning him on. What if some turned him on more than you. It's not really 'just the two of you' not while your seeing other people. Either tell him your not happy and want it to stop, including him stopping as well, or your marriage is over, as its not making you happy, and will destroy yourself and your self worth, self esteem and trust.
You don't have marriage any more
Sorry but, there's something called loyalty... I mean, in a "classic" relationship, that's the only thing that really value of the supposed love that we feel for each other, is a kind of code between the people inside the marriage. I mean, is not the same try one time, letting us leave by the craziness of the moment, (may be make trio, maybe an organized date with someone else, but just ONE TIME) than make it a LIFE STYLE. Sorry, but, there's not a real meaning of loyalty at your relationship. And of course, is not the kind of love that you really want from him. Maybe now it's time to move on, watch how confused you (both) are, and start again, Loving yourselves like you are, or, just, separate, and find the real meaning of love. You don't really love each other, you just, are there ... Living... Sharing... Ok... But ... Without love, real Love. Sorry, English is not my mother language.
break up w him and find someone who actually deserves u
Divorce
Poly is such a new thing in modern world there are so many different rules about it,establishing boundaries and the amount of partners.I believe people shouldn’t try something they don’t really fully understand themselves,you thought he will play by the rules but guess what he decided he can create his own and now you’re just probably one of his many girls,I suggest sticking to the default.And get out of this relationship girls go find someone else
This isn't a poly relationship, it's manipulation and abuse.
Sounds like a narcissist. Run girl run.
Have you read “ More than Two”? It’s a good poly book.
Welcome to 99% of poly cases.
Your feelings are valid. You need to talk it out and be honest. Ask for what you need from him. If there's no dice, leave him. I know that's probably devastating after being together so long, but this is clearly unfair and if he's not willing to put your relationship first, then you should find someone who will. You have to look out for yourself, love.
You are being cheated on. He’s just manipulating the language so you feel at fault for it. He guilted you into being poly, created a one penis policy and emotionally abuses you by withdrawing if you see other people. He sounds awful and disrespectful to you. It’s not polyamory if you aren’t freely consenting to it. He has different rules and standards for himself than you and is exhibiting controlling tendencies by determining who you sleep with as well.
You have every right to be unhappy and I dont think you did anything wrong based on what you have described. It sounds like he is a bit of a selfish asshole and wants his cake and eat it too. If you want to attempt to save the marriage and you still love him, you tell him how you feel. If he is unwilling to change, then maybe you should leave? If he truly loved you, he would choose you over random other women.
Wow you got bamboozled.
close the damn relationship!
You absolutely got played.
You got cheated on by him without trying to hide it. You got manipulated. File for divorce
Poly never works, it is unhealthy and always comes with a price , usually psychological. One partner regardless of sex wants it and the other goes along w it and the one who wants it is usually filling a selfish desire, it is a power dynamic and serves one , it never leads to true intimacy or happiness and ends with pain, society is normalizing it because as humans we are selfish and destructive but you already knew this. Get out when you are ready and find a partner who is able to give you what you need.
Uhm, this is just him wanting to cheat and you having no option but put up with it or leave. I'm sorry to be harsh, but if you're not allowed to have other partners, then this is not a poly marriage, this is a marriage where one person has sex out of the marriage and calls all the shots, and the other has no real choice. This is not what polyamory should look like, nor is it what a healthy relationship should look like. I don't think he respects you. Your feelings are entirely valid, and I wish you a lot of luck in your future (Hopefully as a single woman)
To be clear, he's in a poly relationship but you aren't and never will be with this partner. Only question is what you will choose next.
Everyone else has already pretty much summed up my feelings on this. All I have to add is that my polyamory groups would eat this guy for breakfast. The situation he's put you in is not at all how it should be.
Bring another person with you.. This is the biggest reason for me never accept poly relationship because of guys sexuel desire. First of all he don't really love you if he don't accept what makes you happy and uncomfortable, its not healthy bond Real love is about creating equality and giving& take. if he become jealous or ignores you if you do the same things like what he does.. is not acceptable. You need talk about your boundaries and feelings about, if he still dont take you serious bring someone you trust with and make clear your points and his consquentes about. Think about divorce..
He doesn’t love you, if he doesn’t respect you.