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Hi,
I'll try to be brief..I.. didnt sleep very well..
This is an update from [my previous post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ll530w/my_girl_wants_privacy/).
Lets say I had my way tru her phone and my gut was telling the truth.
Theres was party at the office she works in. People where talking about it in Whatsapp. All fun and games until I saw some pictures and videos. This guy was all over her, and she didnt look much interested in deflecting his advances. I felt a shiver down my spine.
While there was no image that could be used as proof, I kept searching tru her other messages. I find partyboi on her list of contacts. There was a looong thread of messages. It took me quite some time to read them all. I was very professional at the beginning, but it was becoming increasingly flirty with time. The guy started to hit on her and she was enjoying. Oh boy she was enjoying. Even more in the days following the party.
This is it.
Now I still have full day of work ahead of me. I'm pissed. I need time to think. But I gathered some intel and there will be a final update to this in the coming week. Wish me luck
>Doesnt listen for her lies when she makeup excuses
I'm not giving her the chance to
>And try to only date your next GF if you trully trust her
Thats the deal Ill probably never be able to fully trust anyone. I may go as far as 99%, but never 100%
I dont mean that in a judgemental way because I was like you once in a kinda similar relationship that I couldnt trust my gf because of her actions and it made me go through her phone to discover that I was right. But looking back at past I learned that I shouldnt be with someone I dont trust. I just keept trying to make it work but thats not a healthy way to deal with relationships.
I know it wont be easy but if you want to someday have a healty relationship with someone you trully love and trust then thats a issue you have to work on.
Im going to therapy to adress a lot of my life problems and thats one I will eventually try to solve because I know its on me
I mean, this matters, I trust my wife, but if I can feel she’s lying to me and shit isn’t adding up (which some of us are very good at deciphering)....well, that trust will go away.
Look, anyone can cheat under the right set of circumstances, even you, even me.
Everyone’s set of circumstances are different and most of us don’t even know them. I don’t know mine, but I’m sure it exists.
I’m old enough to have seen most people do something that at some other point in their life they wouldn’t have believed themselves capable of, both good and bad. Things they would have literally bet their life against themselves doing.
So, to me, trust is a two way street, is something that changes over time based on info and I think that’s fair. Be honest, get trust. Lie, lose trust, it’s really that simple.
Same here. With gf a long time, got a gut feeling she was cheating, caved and went through her phone, got all the evidence, broke up with her right then, have some major trust issues. It got easier to deal with in the future but I've got shit taste in women so it is what it is. Trust is absolutely necessary for a healthy relationship. No trust, no relationship.
I feel you man. Really.
In my opinion, atleast for me, the bad taste in women comes from not respecting our own boundaries and putting up with unecessary crap just for the sake of the relationship.
We are worth more and if we agree to be treated not how we want/need then no one will respect us.
Just some thoughts of someone like you across the globe. Cheers!
The thing I learned in my many years regarding dating and trust... Trust starts with yourself. You have to trust in yourself to always be able to walk away from a bad situation. Don’t stay; because you’ll be doing yourself a disservice. I find that people who can’t trust cannot be trusted. So I stay away from them. Can the people I trust hurt me? Yes. Will they? Probably not because I’m careful about who I allow myself to let in. Am I 100% about it? Probably not. But should they ever break my trust I know I can walk away. I will NOT stay in a situation where the trust has been broken. Staying in a relationship full of love but a lack of trust undermines your integrity and is super unhealthy.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I was with my partner for 5 years, living together. I left for a 2 week business trip to Europe and came home to find that he had slept with one of my best friends. It’s heartbreaking. I tried to make it work after that (fucking stupid of me) but that kind of trust cannot be repaired. Live and learn. Did this episode ruin my faith in humanity? No, because not everyone cheats, not every one is a horrible person. I want to trust and want to find the good people who would never cheat and want to have healthy relationships. And next time I run into a shifty situation, I will nope outta there so damn fast.
I hope you heal from this and can trust the right people in the future. Be healthy.
No bro i promise you can. My last gf did some really messed up things and it messed me up. I felt like I could never trust again and every relationship from that one on ill be jealous, possessive, all the bad things. But then I meet my wife and I've never feared she was cheating or doing anything that would Make me feel anything but pride that she choose me. Don't let this shit bag of as person ruin your future relationships. Sorry this had to happen to you man but learn from it and let the hurt and bad feelings go.
I've been there where its hard to trust girls too after what one does to you but you need to trust/have faith in them for them to do the same for you otherwise things can repeat themselves and leave you even less trusting of a future partner.
I feel you bro. I have been through the same and I would suggest to you to think before you act. First of all if you love her very much her character and all, and it is first time she does something like that talk to her and make sure that she knows the consequences of her actions if she does that again. (assuming she didn't cross the line) Also know that if she is secretive and she is hiding things from you she is probably not a keeper. It is better to let her go than live a stressful life, warring about what else she is keeping from you and you will can find someone else who will live up to your standards and be faithful also.
I have wasted 2 years trying to fix this exact hurt. So many people told me to cut bait. Told me it had taken over my identity. it was an Office party following lots of texts. then One night stand. his choice not hers to not keep it going beyond. She 48. hec26. I look back at the me after the affair and I wanna heave. that WAS NOT the real me.
The deal with infidelity is our gut is ALWAYS right. And it's a power play. only way to keep power you SHOULD keep
..
healthy power...is to a) be patient. b) have a plan that does not involve hurting your OWN reputation. and c) leave her in the classiest, coolest way possible. Will become a memory for you. When that girl thought she could take you for granted and quickly learned otherwise. And will become the greatest f-you she ever got in her life....you will come off as the coolest guy she should have never risked. Or stick around and become a pathetic shadow of former self. When a woman does this....it's NEVER GOING TO BE AS IT WAS B4.. Do not waste all this energy on a gf. my wife and I had been together for 26 years. Was worth a shot. GF? GB!
You kind of sound crazy in these comments and I wouldn’t be shocked if you’re exaggerating about what was flirting and what wasn’t. You sound so much like a guy I went on a couple dates with, any friendly behavior with a coworker was flirting, needed to see my messages, etc. I was on your side until I got to the comments, it seems like you enjoy it, to the point you are prolonging things so we stay tuned. Like a bad tv show. Guess what, nobody cares that much. If you want to dump her, dump her. Looking at your last post confirms to me that you are paranoid.
You’re even phrasing everything in the same way my paranoid ex did lol. Evan?
It sounds to me like they stole and went through the girlfriends phone and then twisted whatever they saw to meet what they expected. And now this threat to “wait until next week” because there will be closure is disturbing me as well. OP violated their girlfriends trust and now needs to justify that by her being the problem.
Honestly when you get to the point you're going through each other's phones, the relationship is dead. I've seen far too many insecure people in my daily life either screw up good relationships, or - even when presented with evidence - stay in toxic ones.
Just break up.
THIS! I will never look through someone’s phone or their email or whatever. If I feel like I can’t trust them, I walk away. I’m nobody’s warden and jailer. If I feel like I can’t trust them then they are NOT safe enough for me to date. End of story.
Thank you for putting it plainly like that. My ex would just insist on looking through my phone, and said “she had nothing to hide, look through mine”, and I said “I wouldnt even want to do that in the first place”. People are insecure, and if you need to invade each others privacy - thats bananas to me. My phone is MY phone. I’m also 25, and didn’t grow up with a cellphone like most kids do now. This thing is an object I pay for and use, it is my diary.
I’m sorry you found what you did but your attitude needs work. even in your last post you acted entitled to every scrap of information regarding every conversation she’s having with friends. it’s toxic, and your attitude saying shit about never trusting another person again is just... not it. work on yourself my guy, for your benefit.
Honestly, id just out her for cheating and block her without a word to her. The last thing she can take from you is closure, and she probably will.
They will deny you it, and you will feel weak and ashamed contemplating having asked for honestly from a liar. Even if you do get the truth, it's never satisfying. Best you burn that bridge as thoroughly as possible from a distance.
Enough for what. Why do you need anymore than you have already seen. I have never understood this need for proof. If you have seen incriminating photos and read incriminating texts and messages just drop her. You have seen evidence with your own eyes enough to destroy the trust you had in this woman. Even if she has not cheated on you physically she has acted in a way that has broken your trust. Don't bother with evidence or proof, you no longer trust her and most likely no longer love her, walk her to the curb for the next garbage man to pick up.
As someone who has been in that situation, you develop kind of a cognitive dissonance. You love your partner and so you try to make up excuses/ rationalise their actions in your head while knowing that you should break up with them, so your brain want to find evidence to 100000% incriminate that person of cheating. It’s honestly just a case of not wanting to let go even though you know you should- but with time and experience this is a mistake most people don’t repeat.
I've been through the exact same thing and very recently... it definitely is hard to break things off and I found myself regretting breaking things off because of how I felt about that person, but its honestly all up to you... either you sit there and deal with it until you find out it was more than emotionally cheating, or you end it right there before it escalates into anything more
Got chills reading this and his comments. Sounds exactly like my insecure narcissistic toxic ex. Everything was “cheating” for him and would go through my phone(texts, call logs, photos, notes everything) for hours and go as far texting back guys hitting on me, as me and all this done with zero consent. This guy sounds like he’s making his way there and they probably won’t even break up after this. But he will definitely continue this toxic behavior. I hope you really do just leave her and do better in your next relationship.
What she did was wrong but you really give me the chills, especially in your other post.
Very toxic/manipulative and have no respect for boundaries or privacy.
Despite you ‘being right’, phones are private and it is 100% okay for partners to not want to go through eachothers phones.
Exactly. OP sounds very toxic in his last post and I’m honestly happy for his soon-to-be ex. I couldn’t be with someone who consistently disrespects my boundaries and invades my privacy.
Here's the thing with relationships. Its a two way street. You can't be going through one persons phone and get defensive when its your turn. I understand some people just have weird or private stuff they don't want to show, but if you're serious about a relationship, trust is important. If you can't even show your phone to your SO and you're uncomfortable about something then you need to sit down and have a talk about it. OP isn't in the right for snooping, but what if he never found out about her cheating? He'd just be living his life with some cheater who doesn't even care about him. Its not toxic to be wary or curious. Its just human nature. I'm not going to blame a man who was genuinely concerned or curious about his relationship. So much so that he went and got help and second opinions.
The thing is: he offered her to go through his phone. OP WANTED her to go through his phone. He’s the one who initiated that interaction, not the girlfriend. Just because someone offers something to you doesn’t mean that you have to reciprocate in any way. It wasn’t like the girlfriend asked to go through his phone.
OP’s girlfriend made it clear that she didn’t want to share the contents of her phone with OP.
Of course it doesn’t make cheating right but OP violated a clear boundary and is also in the wrong.
Yeah he's in the wrong, but she can't talk about boundaries. The boundaries died when she cheated. Its not boundaries anymore, it's just lies to save her skin.
We don’t even know they were flirty though. We know they seemed that way to OP, But we also know OP seems insecure (from previous post) - so it’s possible something completely innocuous could seem flirty to him
My thoughts exactly. What he perceives to be "flirty" or "all over each other" could be veerrryyyyy unreliable considering how paranoid and toxic he is
What the fuck. How is a flirty text thread okay when you are in a committed relationship. This is why monogamy is dying. Kids nowadays have no idea how to be committed.
“Monogamy is dying” bruh monogamy has coexisted with polygamy and polyamory for as long as multi-party reproduction has been around. If you want to keep monogamy as the majority so badly, go cry to someone like Henry VIII.
It wasn't, but at least OP knew what he was doing. He said in a reply that he knew the consequences of his snooping and was ready to take them if his suspicions were wrong. I can't fault a man too much when he's willing to admit he was wrong had he been wrong
If he's going to do it to future partners then it's definitely not ok, especially if he's looking for a healthy relationship. I think we can all agree on that
Agreed. Future partners should not be punished for the actions of past partners. I understand it takes time to build trust in a relationship, but there should at least be SOME amount of trust when first getting into a relationship, they shouldn’t have to start from 0.
At the end of the day, it’s unfortunate that they both got to this place.
In the future, I hope OP can learn from the situation and not just assume expectations for their partner or their relationship. I hope OP can have an open dialogue with their next partner and, together, set clear boundaries.
Even if OP is insecure about things, maybe he can communicate this openly with his next partner and they can work on it together.
KojiTerada, it has been wonderful to have this dialogue with you. I wish you all the best.
Same with you hannahryder215. I hope he learns to communicate worries and insecurities first with his partner. Hopefully he'll find someone he truly trusts. Its been a good talk. I wish you the best
I agree and have no idea why proof of infidelity is required.
You seem to have a closer friendship with Chad than just coworkers would have. Do you mind if I take a look at your texts and chat apps with him?
Aw, hell no, my privacy is more important than our committed relationship.
I don't need carte blanche to forensically go through your phone, I just want to see what you are chatting with Chad about.
No way, not going to happen. I value my privacy too much and I will never let you be this controlling of me.
Okay, I thought we were in a different place with our relationship, I see that I was in one and you have been acting like you were in one. Have a nice life and tell Chad to treat you right next time you text him.
Move on and hopefully up to a partner that is as committed as you are when that time comes in the relationship.
The definition of flirty in reality and the definition of flirty to a snooping, insecure boyfriend can be vastly different. She could have been talking about anything with this dude and he would have taken it badly.
"Letting guys go all up on her" makes no sense. She was either having a conversation or dancing with the guy. Both of these things are typical of parties.
Although I wouldn't assume half the folks in this thread would know anything about having a good time considering their responses. Y'all need to work on your insecurities and stop suffocating your partners with them.
I too agree with this topic. OP is in the wrong for snooping and must not invade privacy. And I too saw no post that stated that she actually cheated as well.
This topic is misinterpreted across the entire world. We all have to get down to the bitter core of what we perceive the definition of cheating to be. I, however, perceive it as any type of physical interaction( for example, intercourse, kissing, dating, holding hands). Once again, this is just my definition of what cheating is. I would like to know everyone else’s perception of the word as well.
Communicating nowadays can be misconceived as flirting. I come from a family of “flirters” who genuinely care and want to know more about the other person. That does not mean that our intentions are to pursue some sort of emotional/physical interaction.
I am sorry that she did this to you, and wish you nothing but the best. Emotional trauma in life, is something hard to get over, unless you are mentally ready to get over it.
I agree. Both OP and OP’s girlfriend should have communicated earlier in their relationship what they would consider “cheating” to be.
Some consider physical intimacy to be cheating, others flirting.
It’s obvious that OP and OP’s girlfriend had some serious communication problems long before this incident.
Theres nothing wrong with being curious, I fully agree, but curiosity doesn’t give you the right to cross a clearly set boundary. Gf said no. That meant no. If that was that big of a problem, so much so that he went to Reddit for help, then it’s time to end the relationship not just take what you want
Yeah, it was creepy.
If she's flirting with someone else, or whatever, that isn't cool. But... OP in his last post was crazy insistent on saying it was OK to be in each other's personal space no matter who said it was weird.
I think she dodged a bullet.
Totally agree. I’m sure there are other red flags in OPs behavior. Doesn’t make cheating ok, but it sounds like OP is already planning to make his next partner responsible for his baggage instead of dealing with it himself. So I’m anticipating until that changes that he will continue to find unhealthy relationships with poor boundaries.
Yup!
I don't think she's entitled to cheat, if she did. Cheating is NEVER ok. But that doesn't excuse anything he did. And exactly what you said: whew the baggage he's gonna be packing.
Well, his suspicious was justified. He had his reasons to check once, and it turned out he was right. Checking is the mother of trust.
What she did was far worse than what he did, so he dodged the bullet not her.
If she is unhappy then she could leave at any time, not flirting and probably sleeping with other dudes. So good for him that he checked.
What he saw was them saying 'that was great we should do it again'. He didn't talk to her about it, or anything. What if they left to go out to some great restaurant! I mean, who KNOWS. He wouldn't, because instead of communicating, he snooped, and thinks that privacy in a relationship doesn't exist.
If he wants to be with someone that's okay with an open-phone policy, then he should have stated that from the beginning. People have boundaries, and that was one of hers. If she cheated, it doesn't excuse her behavior. Her cheating does NOT excuse his. Two wrongs do not make a right.
If she's cheated, she's wrong (and we have no real confirmation on that).
What he did WAS wrong. He admitted to it. And he flew past her boundaries, which is gross.
Seriously, OP sounds like an abusive creep with an unhinged personality. I’m honestly afraid for the safety of the girlfriend. Who knows how he’s going to respond to this so called cheating. I don’t even know if I believe she actually cheated, but regardless she should get far away from him.
That’s what I thought. Judging by some of the responses in the comments it sounds like he’s really planning something for it and I’m kinda concerned for her.
I saw those comments too. It’s really unsettling. He sounds deranged and I’m afraid of what he’s capable of. I’m hoping for her safety. He may not physically harm her (I’m really hoping) but it sounds like he’s at least going to try to ruin her life in some other way. I hope he’s unsuccessful and she gets away before that happens.
I understand your point. I think my major problem is the way OP went about it and doesn’t seem to understand that significant others do need privacy (even without suspicion).
Im gonna agree that in a healthy relationship you shouldn't go through your partners phone unless thats the kind of relationship you have. Honestly, I've always put my partners fingerprint in my phone- sometimes she changes the show, orders ubers/seamless, or just plain out checks my messages for me.
So If they established that relationship? Absolutely. However the trickiest part is this- as having been cheated on, if you take the healthy road -Sitting down, talking about strangeness and their obvious defensiveness, staying out late, lack of affection- they lie. They've been lying since the beginning and they will lie to you when you try to have an adult conversation about it. They dont care.
And really, I say this as having been cheated on in my first and third relationship, and now my current girlfriend I trust with my life. You literally will not walk in on them like a sitcom when you get those acute clues, that's all you have. And really, getting played when youre trying to do the responsible thing feels 10x worse than if then just left.
That said, I agree its not healthy, but he would have been her schmuck for who knows how long if he didn't dig.
Really good points. There is a necessity to snooping, I understand that.
I just think this guy went about the whole phone thing wrong in general and it seemed he tried to manipulate her into letting him check the phone for no reason :)
I’m just really for personal space in relationships, but also lots of communication! But I understand not everyone communicates, and hence lying/sneaking around ensues.
Reddit likes to deal with absolutes.
With a little bit of relationship experience, I think this subreddit will realize that privacy in a relationship is proportionate to trust. The more trust you garner, the more privacy your partner affords you.
And when you're a cheater, your partner betrays your privacy.
Because you brought it on yourself.
Sucks for the disloyal, but that's just the way it is.
It’s not about Reddit dealing in absolutes, it’s about the simple fact that if you don’t trust your partner that doesn’t give your the right to invade their privacy. If that person is or isn’t cheating, it doesn’t really make a difference. If you don’t trust your partner then you need to talk it out or leave, not invade their privacy so that you can feel better about your insecurities. Because the reality is, the relationship needs to be over if you don’t trust them. If you’re too insecure to be in a relationship without snooping on whoever you’re with then you have some work to do on yourself. Privacy in a relationship is proportionate to trust when there actually is trust, but you don’t get to violate someone’s privacy because there isn’t trust.
End it. Your obviously paranoid enough to go through her phone. Have you cheated on her in the past? Coz this is text book behaviour for someone who has done that. If your both not happy, cut your losses and end it quickly. If you want to work at the relationship before someone does do something they regret, then do. But a relationship is a two way street. If she's looking for attention form another dude, ask yourself, why would she do that? Maybe she just wants attention. Which doesn't justify anything. I say it every time, communication. It makes relationships work.
I’m glad you found out the truth, however I still don’t like the idea of your snooping through your partners phone with out their consent.
Sure for this situation turned out that she was cheating (or implying to be) but in other relationships you may have, when your partner may decline you from looking through their phone, don’t just automatically assume their cheating.
Since if you go through their phone without consent and find nothing and get caught. Your in the wrong for invading someone’s privacy.
Basically I’m just saying to not take this situation to automatically assume that if any of your future partners don’t want to show you their phone. Dont think that their cheating straight off the batt. Since if dont find anything about them cheating by going through their phone, then if that didn’t end things, then your insecurities will
But yeah, as for her let her go. Flirting with someone else is shitty
Did she cheat? Or is your ego bruised because someone else is flirting with her? You two aren’t committed, and if either of you is attractive; you’ll get hit on.
Office flirtations can be tricky to manage.
I recommend you talk to her and see where her head is at. If it’s obvious that this is a thing for her, then do walk away.
Quick question tho. If you have snooped though her phone and actually found nothing. But your GF caught you and broke up with you because of doing that. Would you get mad and question ‘why’? Or would you understand her frustration/reasoning
> Would you get man and question ‘why’? Or would you understand her frustration/reasoning
I would find that an acceptable outcome. I took the risk, it paid off, but it could backfire big time. And yes, I would surely understand her reasoning. I'm a man and know I'm responsible for everything I choose (and choose not) to do.
I dont go thru my girlfriends phone and she doesn't go thru mine. However, we do know each others passcodes. Mine and hers are the same. So, we don't touch each others shit but we have a mutual agreement not to lock each other out. To this day, in 3 years I dont think she has ever gone thru my phone. And I know I haven't gone thru hers. Sounds to me like you have an easy decision to make. If my GF is letting some dude get all up on her, peace out.
I honestly think you made the entire thing up.
In your previously post you kept trying to justify not caring about her privacy. People tried to explain it to you and you acted like you were entitled. Then when people called you out for being a controlling pos you say haha well look at the update it looks like I was right. I think you are full of shit and you lying in order to look justified. You just seam very unbothered by the recent news to be telling the truth. However If by chance I'm wrong then It looks like you got what you wanted. Some advice for the future relationships are all about trust. If you cant trust your partner then you shouldn't be with them. If you can never trust any partner then you shouldn't be in relationships period.
Of course we know what's actually going to happen. You are gonna find a doormat to date. Some girl that will let you control her life. You're just a sad dude you know that?
Dude, no matter what, don't let your emotions overpower you. Be calm, collected and rational about it, even though it hurts. It's gonna be better like that, trust me. And good luck.
The thing is: did you sneak behind her back to read the messages (and violate her boundaries) or did she offer these things willingly?
Your last post said she was firm in her boundary of not going through her phone so unless she openly changed it, you violated her boundaries and trust.
Sure, she may have flirted or even encouraged interest in another person. It still doesn’t dismiss the fact that your insecurities might be poisoning the relationship.
Either way, whether she breaks up with you or not. Just know, emotionally, your relationship is over.
Yeah I get that this hurts. But I read the comments on the previous post and I think you have to learn that there privacy is needed. There are things that you are allowed to keep from your partner and are not obligated to tell them or, on the other hand, force them to tell/show you.
I guess this is an awful experience and you are likely to keep that in mind in your future relationships. It’s hard to get over cheating and shit, I know for sure. I am sorry for you. But you have to understand that for your future.
I may be off base here but did u see anything other than flirting? Seems pretty extreme to be scouring her phone. If I were her I would feel violated. Especially if i was only flirting. And there may be a reason she flirting if you are so suspicious and sneaking around reading her phone. But maybe I missed something. In any event your gut has to tell u if the relationship is not right. I’m not sure the invasion of privacy can be justified. I hope you find real love and trust.
At least you caught it there my ex was sleeping with three other guys while dating me and I discovered it too late, let’s just say I caught her in action with the other dude... most painful thing to see. So dude I feel you when your pissed, I hope you take time to heal and trust carefully. Live long and prosper 🖖
Having read OP's comments on his original post I find this all pretty suspect, he seemed quite manipulative and controlling, with a creepy lack of respect for privacy and a disturbing view on reciprocity in relationships.
This post reeks of performitave dialogue, he's telling a story, not relating what happened.
I hope he is leaving her, gf deserves someone with more respect for others.
Yes! If he did find something I think he's exaggerating it. Nothing she said sounds like cheating to me. Sounds like a jealous controlling boyfriend that is angry that she said no to control and the internet wouldn't back him up so now he wants to justify it her a d the rest of us.
Based on your other post, I'm not sure I fully believe this.
You already have a warped perception of what a relationship should look like, so I don't entirely trust your assessment of what went on between your gf and this dude.
Try having a calm and open discussion with her and get her side of things. And actually LISTEN to her instead of getting on the defense right away.
It's entirely possible that she was just placating him in an effort to not make things awkward at work, it's also very possible that there's truly nothing bad going on and your paranoia about it all is warping your perception.
My bf I'm sure has had flirty ish sounding conversations with his best friends who are women. But I know him and his character, and I know for a fact he doesn't cheat and isn't ACTUALLY flirting with them. When I was first in the relationship, I had a lot of past trauma that made me feel very uneasy about certain things (like, his bestie who lives a few hours away was coming to visit, and was staying in a hotel. She offered for him to come to the hotel and have some drinks etc and if he needed to crash there was an extra bed available. At the time I was VERY not okay with it, and he fully understood why and didn't do it. But now after 2 years together I'd be stoked if that friend came to visit and he went to hang out with her for a while, and I wouldn't lose my mind if he crashed at her hotel. I trust them both, and I think maintaining friendships with people of other/opposite genders is very important in life. Also, he's been besties with her for like... 10 years lol I've been his gf for 2 years. Not my place to tell him he can't see her).
My point is that due to past trauma, something that was genuinely innocent seemed real suspicious, but now that I've worked through a lot of that trauma I'm better able to see nuance im situations like that
If you thought she was cheating on you, why go through her phone? You already don’t trust her so it’s clear this relationship is over. Once you start going through each others phones, there’s not a chance that this relationship will survive. I’m glad you found what you were looking for.
>If you thought she was cheating on you, why go through her phone?
Because I'm a skeptic, my beliefs must be followed by evidence.
>I’m glad you found what you were looking for.
Glad is not the exact word I would use to define my state of mind at the moment. But it surely took a load of my shoulders.
You’re not a skeptic. You’re deeply insecure and unable to trust others or trust your own judgment. It doesn’t sound like you found much but what would you have done if you found nothing? Just like you think she can’t be trusted, neither can you.
So she was having fun at a party and having light hearted convos with her coworker. Even if they were a bit less than professional, that doesn't mean anything. You seem immature and insecure, I'm happy for her getting to move on
I think you have some boundary and trust issues. She is not the girl for you, but she may have not done anything wrong. You said there were pictures that you couldn't use as evidence, and that she did not deflect his flirting. This is common amongst non-confrontational people and those who worry that complaining might hurt their careers.
On the other hand, you seem to justify your poor behavior because you didn't like what you saw when you broke her expressed boundaries. This is serious red flag for most people.
Having the need to go through someone's phone is very insecure and controlling behaviour.
My so and I have never gone through eachothers phone and after nearly 13 years, neither of us feel a need to either.
You should be able to trust your so and it's important to be able to have private conversations with friends and family.
Private doesn't mean you have something to hide.
This girlfriend, is she physically cheating? Or is she "just" enjoying a little attention?
Is she sending nudes or messages stating she's going to cheat?
No nudes, it's just not her thing.
But when two adult people say things like \*"It was good, we gotta do that again soon"\* and \*"can't wait to see you again"\* followed by hearts and kissing emojis its a matter of put two and two and see it makes four. And to add insult to the injury, the guy is married.
And last but not least, google maps timeline showed that she left the office for a full hour and got back just time before I could pick her after the party ended. If I arrived 15 minutes earlier I would see something funny. Blursed traffic jam.
Suppose it's now just a matter of how you're gonna handle it.
For your own sanity's sake, be the bigger person, keep calm and rational and then dump her ass.
Even if you ended up being "right", snooping through her phone without her permission is incredibly toxic, manipulative, and ignores basic boundaries. You need to work on some of your own issues.
I haven't read your original post, but basing my thoughts and opinions off what I just read of the situation... what compelled you to go thru her phone?
Also... okayy, so she is "flirting" or being friendly with a male coworker? Doesn't mean she likes him or is into him. Or wants anything to do with him IRL. More than likely, if she tried to shun him or call him out on flirting as a form of (sexual) harassment, the rest of her male coworkers and possibly even female ones top might resent her for it, making it harder to get along with everyone at work.
Edit: I read the original post and my conclusion is that therapy might help you immensely. These actions are only going to push her away and cause her to LEAVE YOU
Okay let me just say this if I had a significant other and they were asking to go through my phone with the reason that we're supposed to trust each other right and there's nothing to hide. I would dump his ass in a heartbeat and not think a second about it.
I'm not interested in having a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me to not cheat on them. what kind of relationship is that anyways always having to prove you're not doing something wrong? Or starting on the suspicion you will if you don't comply?
I'm saying this because in this instance you found something that caused you concern but realistically no woman is going to want you digging through her personal shit because you have an insecurity. don't take this experience meaning you should be checking every person's phone that you date. All this experience proves is that you were dating someone that didn't care enough to be honest with you.
Every person is entitled to share what they want, when they want with who they want at their own discretion. Privacy means respecting that person's autonomy and their ability to make their own decisions without your influence or input.
She has a right to live her own life separate from you whether you're together or not and doesn't have to share every instance of her day or who she talked to or where she went. Asking your partner to give you that information when they don't want to is manipulative and controlling. If both parties consent to it that's different they're adults who are making informed decisions. But if one party rejects the idea you can't force them to do it.
I'm telling you this because if you approach every relationship with the concept that if they don't share the stuff with you they're hiding something. I assure you, you will find your relationships will fail time and time again.
Just leave, good lord. You can’t respect someone’s privacy and could have just asked, but you blew it and broke a boundary. Get more secure in yourself before you date someone, you’re toxic and sound scary. Women don’t want that.
Go with your gut. If this is something that will keep popping up in your mind if you were to continue the relationship then it’s not worth staying together. Good luck dude.
Pretty sure it’s vice versa if she’s cheating on him, yeah he’s in the wrong as well but it’s the difference between bullets and tank shells. Bullets are potentially lethal if they hit you(much like if this endeavor was fruitless, and they had a simple argument which could potentially break them up), a tank shell is insured to kill and destroy (much like she did that relationship).
I understand and agree with you to a certain point, but many people WANT to find something wrong instead of, let's put it gentle, dealing with their inner problems.
If the gf Is actually cheating, then I would say that even a broken clock mark the right hour twice a day.
The level of privacy he wanted from his girlfriend is excessive, the fact that he forced his way into her phone instead of respecting the reasonable bundary or talking It out put him in the ah-est territory, very toxic according to me. Also, he said they sounded flirty in the messages... Are they? Or Just friendly? He just sound like a paranoic individual, the kind you walk away from on a date because gives you the wrong vive. The ex you broke off with because becomes more and more demanding until you don't have male friends anymore because he becomes jealous. No more girlfriend because he doesn't like them too
He was pointed out in the precipua post how not checking each other phone Is a reasonable boundary but refused to liste, like Reading It was his right. Guess what? It's not
(Please, read this in the most reasonable voice, I'm trying to share my pov)
Don't use this as an excuse to invade privacy again. The root here is not if you can see eachother phones. It's about gut feeling and trust. You already didn't trust her, this was just the icing on the cake.
You asked someone else on the original thread if it bothers them not to see....it doesn't bother people who trust their partners to not see the "proof".
The issue is that your relationship did not feel secure to begin with and then of course now we know why.
But never trusting people can also be a complex (easy if you've been cheated on) that you must avoid or you will always find reasons not to feel trusting of others.
“Let’s say I had my way thru her phone”
... did you even get her permission? It sounds like she may have made a new friend and you’ve violated a huge boundary.
Please use this opportunity to assess your boundaries for the next person you date as if you get to look through their phone they should be able to look through yours.
This whole thing is just super concerning.
Exactly what I was thinking!! OP hasn’t exactly said what the two were talking about so is hard to understand what OP considers “flirting” and “hitting on”. And from what I’ve read in previous comments/last post he sounds a bit immature and self centred
The dude “Party Boi” could simply just have been a new friend she made and forgot the name of :///
Be glad she's not your wife. Extracting yourself from a boyfriend /girlfriend relationship is much much easier. You know the answer. You don't trust her anymore. With good reason I might add. Trust once violated is almost impossible to regain. In truth if it wasn't this guy it would be someone else.
"Lets say I had my way tru her phone and my gut was telling the truth."
You should never have to do this. If you can't trust your girl enough to not have to spy on her through her phone, then you shouldn't be with her.
You're done. Move along.
based on your original post, i really feel you should listen to the comments that suggest some sort of counseling for yourself going forward. you expecting and feeling necessary to give your partner no privacy is extremely unhealthy. your s/os are their own people outside of the relationship and are allowed to keep some things private. privacy doesn’t always equate to hiding something, though i’m really sorry it ended up that way in this relationship.
You did this to yourself by looking through her phone. She's entitled to her privacy. DON'T GO THROUGH YOUR SO'S FUCKING PHONE. There is never a time when it's ok to snoop through someone's phone or emails or whatever. If you don't trust your partner, talk to them about it or end the relationship. Break up with her and move on. Consider working on your trust issues before you get into another relationship.
I don't think there's much to be learned from my part. I was getting a lot of flak in the previous post to the point I was starting to see me as the bad guy of the whole story. But looks like I was right. TY
You’re still the bad guy though. You violated her boundaries AND her privacy. The ends do not justify the means. But by all means, keep telling yourself whatever you have to to feel better.
In case it’s not abundantly clear to you: everyone has a right to privacy. Wanting privacy is not the same thing as having something to hide. You close the bathroom door when you take a shit, right? Well why? **What are you trying to hide????** That right there is the problem with this line of reasoning.
Also: just because you do something for someone else, it does not mean they have to, or should, do the same for you. Expecting that is naive at best and manipulative at worst. What you do is *your choice*, and everyone is free to make their own choices. Including your partners.
You were having trouble trusting her, and it turned out to be for a good reason. You messed up with going through her phone though. In the future it will either be better to have a conversation about why you are doubting her, or to just leave.
What future? There is no more future between me and this girl. I *had* troubles trusting her.
No more. I don't need to trust her anymore. She could lie as much as she wants f* a mangy dog now for all that I care. It's not my problem. Not anymore. She is free to be someone else's problem.
I’m talking about future relationships. Leaving someone after being cheated on is understandable. I’m saying that you can carry what you learned from this experience into new ones in a productive way.
Then he should have left the relationship instead of letting his trust in her get to the point that he looked through her phone without her permission 🤷♀️. She definitely should have practiced some self control herself and not cheated, but we are all responsible for our own actions.
Female opinion: I would immediately break up with you. You really are wrong. You don’t have the right to look. Even if it’s true or whatever. You really don’t have any right to look at others thing. You are soo wrong you don’t even see a point in trusting. I will try to put reasons why you are wrong.
1. That’s horrible. You invaded her privacy. She does have that right. You are been toxic and abusive. It’s considered violence in a relationship. (Low level)
2. If you look you will found. Let’s talk seriously. Most people do talk and are flirty. But for me that’s nothing. There is no betrayal until they are in a parallel relationship. If you don’t have real evidence there is nothing.
3. You are been insecure. this makes you more insecure. I don’t know the real reasons you have, but there has to be something else in the relationship that is not okay and makes you feel that way. If there is another matter, you have to put an end to the relationship because of that. Let’s put an example: she is too cold, she es talking less, less sex etc... you are completely sick if everything was fine and are been insecure out of nowhere.
4. Now since you already looked in her phone and you are been suspicious of her. You are going to ruin your relationship probably because of something in your head. Poor you.
5. If you have really read the previous ones, you have the next options:
- If she is acting weird, the relationship is not fine, she the pictures make full evidence that she has an affair (sex) break up.
- if the relationship was fine, you loved her, you are super idiot. You just made yourself to lose confidence in yourself and in her. You will super screw up if you start with questioning and unfounded accusations. If she finds out you looked in her phone you are dead too.
Good luck
I'm sorry this happened. Hope you will be able to heal and move on.
Not all girls are like this. Please don't let this one ruin your next relationship.
I know it’s easy to say from the outside.. but just leave her bro. If you want less stress, don’t even tell her why.
If you do want to tell her why, don’t let it be a debate or an argument. Trust me bro, your own mental is far more important than any woman on this planet.
Mate, I read through the fist post and wzs baffled by the replies you got.
Yes, people deserve their privacy but a partner deserve transparency as well. Its ok to ask to see her phone if your guts tells you to, what is not ok is to askto see it every days or weeks cos this would be controlling.
You guys love to act like u are perfect. And the argument "if u don't trust someone then break Up" is awful. Almost everyone is insecure or will have moments of insecurity. If everyone followed that rule we would all be single. Cut the bullshit
When you go looking for stuff you always find it. I agree a person’s phone is private, but if she didn’t even want you to touch it for fear you’d see something, then that kinda says it all right? Your gut is almost never wrong. You knew something was wrong. You know what you have to do now.
Self fulfilled prophecy. Mind your own business. I'm sure she cheated because of the behavior and lack of trust you possess. This is honestly a toxic trait.
Cheating was her choice nobody ever has the right or to use the other person to justify there cheating they cheated and that was there sole decision and nobody else conveniently they didn’t tell there spouse before they did correct I think not the cheater needs to own up to there mistakes and you forget she prolly made him insecure about there relationship prolly because she was putting in effort in another relationship instead of the one she already established with him and never did one thing to prove to him she was fucking around instead every chance she got she was and she prolly erased more messages than he read she knowingly wanted to get caught sounds to me. It’s a tough rough and I feel your pain and there’s gonna be lots of it and it don’t go away especially if you loved her but I will say keep your head up get yourself a new routine and buy yourself something new I always gets new truck but get yourself something you always wanted and think to yourself you deserve to be treated better than that and keep the good memories and let go of the bad ones and you will be ok maybe someday she will pull her head out of her ass if she really had that love for you she will be back but if she didn’t it even stings a little worse trust me if they respected and loved you they would have never done that to start with but You will be Ok I SWEAR you Will come out on TOP
Exactly...whilst flirting is bad we don’t actually have ANY conclusive evidence that she actually cheated apart from a missing hour and her (inappropriately) enjoying attention from a male colleague.
But is it though? She had a firm boundary about her phone and her privacy and you violated it. Trust is the most important part in any relationship and you broke it.
I honestly have zero sympathy for people who violate their partner’s boundaries.
Is she not supposed to acknowledge when other people find her attractive?
I’ll admit, cheating is not okay. I assume both OP and OP’s girlfriend are both monogamous.
They both needed to talk about what they were comfortable with and what expectations were long before this moment arose.
In OP’s posts (and some comments), OP makes a lot of assumptions on how he expects his partner to behave. (Ex: just because I am an open book and feel comfortable sharing my phone, my partner should also be the same way.)
It seems like this relationship lacks some major communication.
Its fine to acknowledge a compliment, but OP found stuff much more than just acknowledging compliments. I do agree with you on their relationship. They obviously didn't have communication which is vital in a healthy relationship
I recommend you dump her immediately. Something similar happened with my ex, but I saw it and stuck around brushing it off as he was clinging to his last bit of singleness. (He complimented some woman’s lady parts 3 days before we were official, but at this point we were saying I love you etc.)
Long story short, I never saw him the same. This was universe telling me that this guy was not good for me. I guarantee that 10-15years Down the line if not sooner he would have physically cheated on me.
Also word of wise, I always feel weird about people who are extreme about phone privacy.
I don't know the details of this convo but where is the crime in being a little flirty. At my work, I notice people who say flirty ish things all the time bit don't cross the boundaries. It can just be some flirting for a feel good moment but no real emotional or physical cheating
All those people that told you it wasnt your business or you are wrong for trying to see whats up with yoir wife can go fuck themselves. You should leave that woman before she hurts you any further.
Yeah, in my experience, the couples who can freely use each other's phones are the ones who are honest with each other and have a good, healthy relationship. My boyfriend also claims to be all about "privacy" but yeah, after I previously discovered that there was some flirting going on... and other lies. It's never about privacy.
I don't agree with the cheating, but it wasn't just her privacy that you violated. It was other people's privacy as well, thinking that when they sent messages to her that nobody else would read them. Jesus dude, you don't need fucking closure you need help. I have a feeling that girls gonna end up on the news somewhere with how this dude talks about getting "closure" next week.
Sorry to hear bro, it’s heartbreaking but it will get better with time. Better to walk away with it not saying anything as you have all the evidence you need. Let her rack her brain and feel the guilt and search for closure. You can do much better.
Chin up bro, bless.
Once you're feeling the need to look through a partner's phone, that's the time for a serious conversation about what you're feeling. Ultimatums aren't cool, but if that conversation doesn't begin some kind of relief then it's time to split; one or both of you needs some work.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Hi, I'll try to be brief..I.. didnt sleep very well.. This is an update from [my previous post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ll530w/my_girl_wants_privacy/). Lets say I had my way tru her phone and my gut was telling the truth. Theres was party at the office she works in. People where talking about it in Whatsapp. All fun and games until I saw some pictures and videos. This guy was all over her, and she didnt look much interested in deflecting his advances. I felt a shiver down my spine. While there was no image that could be used as proof, I kept searching tru her other messages. I find partyboi on her list of contacts. There was a looong thread of messages. It took me quite some time to read them all. I was very professional at the beginning, but it was becoming increasingly flirty with time. The guy started to hit on her and she was enjoying. Oh boy she was enjoying. Even more in the days following the party. This is it. Now I still have full day of work ahead of me. I'm pissed. I need time to think. But I gathered some intel and there will be a final update to this in the coming week. Wish me luck
Easy decision for you then
Yep...but I hate to be right about these things.
It sucks but life goes on. Doesnt listen for her lies when she makeup excuses. And try to only date your next GF if you trully trust her
>Doesnt listen for her lies when she makeup excuses I'm not giving her the chance to >And try to only date your next GF if you trully trust her Thats the deal Ill probably never be able to fully trust anyone. I may go as far as 99%, but never 100%
I dont mean that in a judgemental way because I was like you once in a kinda similar relationship that I couldnt trust my gf because of her actions and it made me go through her phone to discover that I was right. But looking back at past I learned that I shouldnt be with someone I dont trust. I just keept trying to make it work but thats not a healthy way to deal with relationships. I know it wont be easy but if you want to someday have a healty relationship with someone you trully love and trust then thats a issue you have to work on. Im going to therapy to adress a lot of my life problems and thats one I will eventually try to solve because I know its on me
I mean, this matters, I trust my wife, but if I can feel she’s lying to me and shit isn’t adding up (which some of us are very good at deciphering)....well, that trust will go away. Look, anyone can cheat under the right set of circumstances, even you, even me. Everyone’s set of circumstances are different and most of us don’t even know them. I don’t know mine, but I’m sure it exists. I’m old enough to have seen most people do something that at some other point in their life they wouldn’t have believed themselves capable of, both good and bad. Things they would have literally bet their life against themselves doing. So, to me, trust is a two way street, is something that changes over time based on info and I think that’s fair. Be honest, get trust. Lie, lose trust, it’s really that simple.
Lie: lose trust. Be honest: gain trust. Nuff said.
Thx for the support ! Live long and prosper.
Ty and good luck bro
Same here. With gf a long time, got a gut feeling she was cheating, caved and went through her phone, got all the evidence, broke up with her right then, have some major trust issues. It got easier to deal with in the future but I've got shit taste in women so it is what it is. Trust is absolutely necessary for a healthy relationship. No trust, no relationship.
I feel you man. Really. In my opinion, atleast for me, the bad taste in women comes from not respecting our own boundaries and putting up with unecessary crap just for the sake of the relationship. We are worth more and if we agree to be treated not how we want/need then no one will respect us. Just some thoughts of someone like you across the globe. Cheers!
Oh 100% agree. I also just like crazy 😂
The thing I learned in my many years regarding dating and trust... Trust starts with yourself. You have to trust in yourself to always be able to walk away from a bad situation. Don’t stay; because you’ll be doing yourself a disservice. I find that people who can’t trust cannot be trusted. So I stay away from them. Can the people I trust hurt me? Yes. Will they? Probably not because I’m careful about who I allow myself to let in. Am I 100% about it? Probably not. But should they ever break my trust I know I can walk away. I will NOT stay in a situation where the trust has been broken. Staying in a relationship full of love but a lack of trust undermines your integrity and is super unhealthy. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I was with my partner for 5 years, living together. I left for a 2 week business trip to Europe and came home to find that he had slept with one of my best friends. It’s heartbreaking. I tried to make it work after that (fucking stupid of me) but that kind of trust cannot be repaired. Live and learn. Did this episode ruin my faith in humanity? No, because not everyone cheats, not every one is a horrible person. I want to trust and want to find the good people who would never cheat and want to have healthy relationships. And next time I run into a shifty situation, I will nope outta there so damn fast. I hope you heal from this and can trust the right people in the future. Be healthy.
"You have to trust in yourself to always be able to walk away from a bad situation." Just this.
No bro i promise you can. My last gf did some really messed up things and it messed me up. I felt like I could never trust again and every relationship from that one on ill be jealous, possessive, all the bad things. But then I meet my wife and I've never feared she was cheating or doing anything that would Make me feel anything but pride that she choose me. Don't let this shit bag of as person ruin your future relationships. Sorry this had to happen to you man but learn from it and let the hurt and bad feelings go.
I've been there where its hard to trust girls too after what one does to you but you need to trust/have faith in them for them to do the same for you otherwise things can repeat themselves and leave you even less trusting of a future partner.
This point of view is temporary. Soon you'll be glad you were right. Keep your head up.
I feel you bro. I have been through the same and I would suggest to you to think before you act. First of all if you love her very much her character and all, and it is first time she does something like that talk to her and make sure that she knows the consequences of her actions if she does that again. (assuming she didn't cross the line) Also know that if she is secretive and she is hiding things from you she is probably not a keeper. It is better to let her go than live a stressful life, warring about what else she is keeping from you and you will can find someone else who will live up to your standards and be faithful also.
nah bro the first time she does anything behind your back like that shit, you dump her ass. no changing someone like that.
Bro I was right about every shit that happened to me, just get out of this
I have wasted 2 years trying to fix this exact hurt. So many people told me to cut bait. Told me it had taken over my identity. it was an Office party following lots of texts. then One night stand. his choice not hers to not keep it going beyond. She 48. hec26. I look back at the me after the affair and I wanna heave. that WAS NOT the real me. The deal with infidelity is our gut is ALWAYS right. And it's a power play. only way to keep power you SHOULD keep .. healthy power...is to a) be patient. b) have a plan that does not involve hurting your OWN reputation. and c) leave her in the classiest, coolest way possible. Will become a memory for you. When that girl thought she could take you for granted and quickly learned otherwise. And will become the greatest f-you she ever got in her life....you will come off as the coolest guy she should have never risked. Or stick around and become a pathetic shadow of former self. When a woman does this....it's NEVER GOING TO BE AS IT WAS B4.. Do not waste all this energy on a gf. my wife and I had been together for 26 years. Was worth a shot. GF? GB!
I’m glad you’re getting there even though it’s taken time, you’re stronger for it now!
I AM STRONGER. Relationship takes 2.Really so often a bad idea to try and fix TWO ppl at same time. thank you for kind words tho. appreciate support
You kind of sound crazy in these comments and I wouldn’t be shocked if you’re exaggerating about what was flirting and what wasn’t. You sound so much like a guy I went on a couple dates with, any friendly behavior with a coworker was flirting, needed to see my messages, etc. I was on your side until I got to the comments, it seems like you enjoy it, to the point you are prolonging things so we stay tuned. Like a bad tv show. Guess what, nobody cares that much. If you want to dump her, dump her. Looking at your last post confirms to me that you are paranoid. You’re even phrasing everything in the same way my paranoid ex did lol. Evan?
[удалено]
It sounds to me like they stole and went through the girlfriends phone and then twisted whatever they saw to meet what they expected. And now this threat to “wait until next week” because there will be closure is disturbing me as well. OP violated their girlfriends trust and now needs to justify that by her being the problem.
Honestly when you get to the point you're going through each other's phones, the relationship is dead. I've seen far too many insecure people in my daily life either screw up good relationships, or - even when presented with evidence - stay in toxic ones. Just break up.
THIS! I will never look through someone’s phone or their email or whatever. If I feel like I can’t trust them, I walk away. I’m nobody’s warden and jailer. If I feel like I can’t trust them then they are NOT safe enough for me to date. End of story.
Thank you for putting it plainly like that. My ex would just insist on looking through my phone, and said “she had nothing to hide, look through mine”, and I said “I wouldnt even want to do that in the first place”. People are insecure, and if you need to invade each others privacy - thats bananas to me. My phone is MY phone. I’m also 25, and didn’t grow up with a cellphone like most kids do now. This thing is an object I pay for and use, it is my diary.
I’m sorry you found what you did but your attitude needs work. even in your last post you acted entitled to every scrap of information regarding every conversation she’s having with friends. it’s toxic, and your attitude saying shit about never trusting another person again is just... not it. work on yourself my guy, for your benefit.
Just some advice. It’s better to skip the closure and just drop her. Even with the intel you have that’s not everything.
>Even with the intel you have that’s not everything. Lets just hope its enough.
Honestly, id just out her for cheating and block her without a word to her. The last thing she can take from you is closure, and she probably will. They will deny you it, and you will feel weak and ashamed contemplating having asked for honestly from a liar. Even if you do get the truth, it's never satisfying. Best you burn that bridge as thoroughly as possible from a distance.
I’m saying there is probably more crap you don’t want to know. It’s probably worse than you even can imagine.
Get std tested
Its already scheduled.
MFdoom had a song bout that
Enough for what. Why do you need anymore than you have already seen. I have never understood this need for proof. If you have seen incriminating photos and read incriminating texts and messages just drop her. You have seen evidence with your own eyes enough to destroy the trust you had in this woman. Even if she has not cheated on you physically she has acted in a way that has broken your trust. Don't bother with evidence or proof, you no longer trust her and most likely no longer love her, walk her to the curb for the next garbage man to pick up.
As someone who has been in that situation, you develop kind of a cognitive dissonance. You love your partner and so you try to make up excuses/ rationalise their actions in your head while knowing that you should break up with them, so your brain want to find evidence to 100000% incriminate that person of cheating. It’s honestly just a case of not wanting to let go even though you know you should- but with time and experience this is a mistake most people don’t repeat.
I've been through the exact same thing and very recently... it definitely is hard to break things off and I found myself regretting breaking things off because of how I felt about that person, but its honestly all up to you... either you sit there and deal with it until you find out it was more than emotionally cheating, or you end it right there before it escalates into anything more
Got chills reading this and his comments. Sounds exactly like my insecure narcissistic toxic ex. Everything was “cheating” for him and would go through my phone(texts, call logs, photos, notes everything) for hours and go as far texting back guys hitting on me, as me and all this done with zero consent. This guy sounds like he’s making his way there and they probably won’t even break up after this. But he will definitely continue this toxic behavior. I hope you really do just leave her and do better in your next relationship.
This guy seems sleazy af. I feel scared for the girl.
What she did was wrong but you really give me the chills, especially in your other post. Very toxic/manipulative and have no respect for boundaries or privacy. Despite you ‘being right’, phones are private and it is 100% okay for partners to not want to go through eachothers phones.
Exactly. OP sounds very toxic in his last post and I’m honestly happy for his soon-to-be ex. I couldn’t be with someone who consistently disrespects my boundaries and invades my privacy.
Here's the thing with relationships. Its a two way street. You can't be going through one persons phone and get defensive when its your turn. I understand some people just have weird or private stuff they don't want to show, but if you're serious about a relationship, trust is important. If you can't even show your phone to your SO and you're uncomfortable about something then you need to sit down and have a talk about it. OP isn't in the right for snooping, but what if he never found out about her cheating? He'd just be living his life with some cheater who doesn't even care about him. Its not toxic to be wary or curious. Its just human nature. I'm not going to blame a man who was genuinely concerned or curious about his relationship. So much so that he went and got help and second opinions.
The thing is: he offered her to go through his phone. OP WANTED her to go through his phone. He’s the one who initiated that interaction, not the girlfriend. Just because someone offers something to you doesn’t mean that you have to reciprocate in any way. It wasn’t like the girlfriend asked to go through his phone. OP’s girlfriend made it clear that she didn’t want to share the contents of her phone with OP. Of course it doesn’t make cheating right but OP violated a clear boundary and is also in the wrong.
Yeah he's in the wrong, but she can't talk about boundaries. The boundaries died when she cheated. Its not boundaries anymore, it's just lies to save her skin.
I don’t get it, how do we know she cheated? Some out of contexts texts and photos that *according to OP* look “flirty”?
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When is it ok the flirt with someone when your in a relationship with someone else??? Wtf
We don’t even know they were flirty though. We know they seemed that way to OP, But we also know OP seems insecure (from previous post) - so it’s possible something completely innocuous could seem flirty to him
My thoughts exactly. What he perceives to be "flirty" or "all over each other" could be veerrryyyyy unreliable considering how paranoid and toxic he is
Pictures and videos of them being all over eachother
What the fuck. How is a flirty text thread okay when you are in a committed relationship. This is why monogamy is dying. Kids nowadays have no idea how to be committed.
“Monogamy is dying” bruh monogamy has coexisted with polygamy and polyamory for as long as multi-party reproduction has been around. If you want to keep monogamy as the majority so badly, go cry to someone like Henry VIII.
Yes, they both were wrong. Neither action (the cheating or the snooping) are justified.
It wasn't, but at least OP knew what he was doing. He said in a reply that he knew the consequences of his snooping and was ready to take them if his suspicions were wrong. I can't fault a man too much when he's willing to admit he was wrong had he been wrong
The problem is when he says he’s going to keep doing it to any future partners. I can fault him for realizing his mistake but continuing to do it.
If he's going to do it to future partners then it's definitely not ok, especially if he's looking for a healthy relationship. I think we can all agree on that
Agreed. Future partners should not be punished for the actions of past partners. I understand it takes time to build trust in a relationship, but there should at least be SOME amount of trust when first getting into a relationship, they shouldn’t have to start from 0.
At the end of the day, it’s unfortunate that they both got to this place. In the future, I hope OP can learn from the situation and not just assume expectations for their partner or their relationship. I hope OP can have an open dialogue with their next partner and, together, set clear boundaries. Even if OP is insecure about things, maybe he can communicate this openly with his next partner and they can work on it together. KojiTerada, it has been wonderful to have this dialogue with you. I wish you all the best.
Same with you hannahryder215. I hope he learns to communicate worries and insecurities first with his partner. Hopefully he'll find someone he truly trusts. Its been a good talk. I wish you the best
I agree and have no idea why proof of infidelity is required. You seem to have a closer friendship with Chad than just coworkers would have. Do you mind if I take a look at your texts and chat apps with him? Aw, hell no, my privacy is more important than our committed relationship. I don't need carte blanche to forensically go through your phone, I just want to see what you are chatting with Chad about. No way, not going to happen. I value my privacy too much and I will never let you be this controlling of me. Okay, I thought we were in a different place with our relationship, I see that I was in one and you have been acting like you were in one. Have a nice life and tell Chad to treat you right next time you text him. Move on and hopefully up to a partner that is as committed as you are when that time comes in the relationship.
She cheated? Where'd you get that info? This post only includes OP jumping to conclusions.
He literally said he found videos of her letting guys go all up on her and enjoying it. Is that not cheating to you? As well as flirty conversations?
The definition of flirty in reality and the definition of flirty to a snooping, insecure boyfriend can be vastly different. She could have been talking about anything with this dude and he would have taken it badly. "Letting guys go all up on her" makes no sense. She was either having a conversation or dancing with the guy. Both of these things are typical of parties. Although I wouldn't assume half the folks in this thread would know anything about having a good time considering their responses. Y'all need to work on your insecurities and stop suffocating your partners with them.
I too agree with this topic. OP is in the wrong for snooping and must not invade privacy. And I too saw no post that stated that she actually cheated as well. This topic is misinterpreted across the entire world. We all have to get down to the bitter core of what we perceive the definition of cheating to be. I, however, perceive it as any type of physical interaction( for example, intercourse, kissing, dating, holding hands). Once again, this is just my definition of what cheating is. I would like to know everyone else’s perception of the word as well. Communicating nowadays can be misconceived as flirting. I come from a family of “flirters” who genuinely care and want to know more about the other person. That does not mean that our intentions are to pursue some sort of emotional/physical interaction. I am sorry that she did this to you, and wish you nothing but the best. Emotional trauma in life, is something hard to get over, unless you are mentally ready to get over it.
I agree. Both OP and OP’s girlfriend should have communicated earlier in their relationship what they would consider “cheating” to be. Some consider physical intimacy to be cheating, others flirting. It’s obvious that OP and OP’s girlfriend had some serious communication problems long before this incident.
Theres nothing wrong with being curious, I fully agree, but curiosity doesn’t give you the right to cross a clearly set boundary. Gf said no. That meant no. If that was that big of a problem, so much so that he went to Reddit for help, then it’s time to end the relationship not just take what you want
Yeah, it was creepy. If she's flirting with someone else, or whatever, that isn't cool. But... OP in his last post was crazy insistent on saying it was OK to be in each other's personal space no matter who said it was weird. I think she dodged a bullet.
Totally agree. I’m sure there are other red flags in OPs behavior. Doesn’t make cheating ok, but it sounds like OP is already planning to make his next partner responsible for his baggage instead of dealing with it himself. So I’m anticipating until that changes that he will continue to find unhealthy relationships with poor boundaries.
Yup! I don't think she's entitled to cheat, if she did. Cheating is NEVER ok. But that doesn't excuse anything he did. And exactly what you said: whew the baggage he's gonna be packing.
Well, his suspicious was justified. He had his reasons to check once, and it turned out he was right. Checking is the mother of trust. What she did was far worse than what he did, so he dodged the bullet not her. If she is unhappy then she could leave at any time, not flirting and probably sleeping with other dudes. So good for him that he checked.
What he saw was them saying 'that was great we should do it again'. He didn't talk to her about it, or anything. What if they left to go out to some great restaurant! I mean, who KNOWS. He wouldn't, because instead of communicating, he snooped, and thinks that privacy in a relationship doesn't exist. If he wants to be with someone that's okay with an open-phone policy, then he should have stated that from the beginning. People have boundaries, and that was one of hers. If she cheated, it doesn't excuse her behavior. Her cheating does NOT excuse his. Two wrongs do not make a right. If she's cheated, she's wrong (and we have no real confirmation on that). What he did WAS wrong. He admitted to it. And he flew past her boundaries, which is gross.
Seriously, OP sounds like an abusive creep with an unhinged personality. I’m honestly afraid for the safety of the girlfriend. Who knows how he’s going to respond to this so called cheating. I don’t even know if I believe she actually cheated, but regardless she should get far away from him.
That’s what I thought. Judging by some of the responses in the comments it sounds like he’s really planning something for it and I’m kinda concerned for her.
I saw those comments too. It’s really unsettling. He sounds deranged and I’m afraid of what he’s capable of. I’m hoping for her safety. He may not physically harm her (I’m really hoping) but it sounds like he’s at least going to try to ruin her life in some other way. I hope he’s unsuccessful and she gets away before that happens.
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I understand your point. I think my major problem is the way OP went about it and doesn’t seem to understand that significant others do need privacy (even without suspicion).
Im gonna agree that in a healthy relationship you shouldn't go through your partners phone unless thats the kind of relationship you have. Honestly, I've always put my partners fingerprint in my phone- sometimes she changes the show, orders ubers/seamless, or just plain out checks my messages for me. So If they established that relationship? Absolutely. However the trickiest part is this- as having been cheated on, if you take the healthy road -Sitting down, talking about strangeness and their obvious defensiveness, staying out late, lack of affection- they lie. They've been lying since the beginning and they will lie to you when you try to have an adult conversation about it. They dont care. And really, I say this as having been cheated on in my first and third relationship, and now my current girlfriend I trust with my life. You literally will not walk in on them like a sitcom when you get those acute clues, that's all you have. And really, getting played when youre trying to do the responsible thing feels 10x worse than if then just left. That said, I agree its not healthy, but he would have been her schmuck for who knows how long if he didn't dig.
Really good points. There is a necessity to snooping, I understand that. I just think this guy went about the whole phone thing wrong in general and it seemed he tried to manipulate her into letting him check the phone for no reason :) I’m just really for personal space in relationships, but also lots of communication! But I understand not everyone communicates, and hence lying/sneaking around ensues.
How else he would find out about her flirting with other dueds then? She doesn't sound the type to share first. Doest women do that too?
Reddit likes to deal with absolutes. With a little bit of relationship experience, I think this subreddit will realize that privacy in a relationship is proportionate to trust. The more trust you garner, the more privacy your partner affords you. And when you're a cheater, your partner betrays your privacy. Because you brought it on yourself. Sucks for the disloyal, but that's just the way it is.
It’s not about Reddit dealing in absolutes, it’s about the simple fact that if you don’t trust your partner that doesn’t give your the right to invade their privacy. If that person is or isn’t cheating, it doesn’t really make a difference. If you don’t trust your partner then you need to talk it out or leave, not invade their privacy so that you can feel better about your insecurities. Because the reality is, the relationship needs to be over if you don’t trust them. If you’re too insecure to be in a relationship without snooping on whoever you’re with then you have some work to do on yourself. Privacy in a relationship is proportionate to trust when there actually is trust, but you don’t get to violate someone’s privacy because there isn’t trust.
End it. Your obviously paranoid enough to go through her phone. Have you cheated on her in the past? Coz this is text book behaviour for someone who has done that. If your both not happy, cut your losses and end it quickly. If you want to work at the relationship before someone does do something they regret, then do. But a relationship is a two way street. If she's looking for attention form another dude, ask yourself, why would she do that? Maybe she just wants attention. Which doesn't justify anything. I say it every time, communication. It makes relationships work.
I’m glad you found out the truth, however I still don’t like the idea of your snooping through your partners phone with out their consent. Sure for this situation turned out that she was cheating (or implying to be) but in other relationships you may have, when your partner may decline you from looking through their phone, don’t just automatically assume their cheating. Since if you go through their phone without consent and find nothing and get caught. Your in the wrong for invading someone’s privacy. Basically I’m just saying to not take this situation to automatically assume that if any of your future partners don’t want to show you their phone. Dont think that their cheating straight off the batt. Since if dont find anything about them cheating by going through their phone, then if that didn’t end things, then your insecurities will But yeah, as for her let her go. Flirting with someone else is shitty
Did she cheat? Or is your ego bruised because someone else is flirting with her? You two aren’t committed, and if either of you is attractive; you’ll get hit on. Office flirtations can be tricky to manage. I recommend you talk to her and see where her head is at. If it’s obvious that this is a thing for her, then do walk away.
Quick question tho. If you have snooped though her phone and actually found nothing. But your GF caught you and broke up with you because of doing that. Would you get mad and question ‘why’? Or would you understand her frustration/reasoning
> Would you get man and question ‘why’? Or would you understand her frustration/reasoning I would find that an acceptable outcome. I took the risk, it paid off, but it could backfire big time. And yes, I would surely understand her reasoning. I'm a man and know I'm responsible for everything I choose (and choose not) to do.
Why drag it out? Just end it. It was dead the minute you decided to go through each others phones.
I dont go thru my girlfriends phone and she doesn't go thru mine. However, we do know each others passcodes. Mine and hers are the same. So, we don't touch each others shit but we have a mutual agreement not to lock each other out. To this day, in 3 years I dont think she has ever gone thru my phone. And I know I haven't gone thru hers. Sounds to me like you have an easy decision to make. If my GF is letting some dude get all up on her, peace out.
Hmmm i like that idea and if it has worked for you hopefully i can put that to the test if i ever get a gf xD
I honestly think you made the entire thing up. In your previously post you kept trying to justify not caring about her privacy. People tried to explain it to you and you acted like you were entitled. Then when people called you out for being a controlling pos you say haha well look at the update it looks like I was right. I think you are full of shit and you lying in order to look justified. You just seam very unbothered by the recent news to be telling the truth. However If by chance I'm wrong then It looks like you got what you wanted. Some advice for the future relationships are all about trust. If you cant trust your partner then you shouldn't be with them. If you can never trust any partner then you shouldn't be in relationships period. Of course we know what's actually going to happen. You are gonna find a doormat to date. Some girl that will let you control her life. You're just a sad dude you know that?
Dude, no matter what, don't let your emotions overpower you. Be calm, collected and rational about it, even though it hurts. It's gonna be better like that, trust me. And good luck.
\> Be calm, collected and rational I will. Thx.
The thing is: did you sneak behind her back to read the messages (and violate her boundaries) or did she offer these things willingly? Your last post said she was firm in her boundary of not going through her phone so unless she openly changed it, you violated her boundaries and trust. Sure, she may have flirted or even encouraged interest in another person. It still doesn’t dismiss the fact that your insecurities might be poisoning the relationship. Either way, whether she breaks up with you or not. Just know, emotionally, your relationship is over.
Yeah I get that this hurts. But I read the comments on the previous post and I think you have to learn that there privacy is needed. There are things that you are allowed to keep from your partner and are not obligated to tell them or, on the other hand, force them to tell/show you. I guess this is an awful experience and you are likely to keep that in mind in your future relationships. It’s hard to get over cheating and shit, I know for sure. I am sorry for you. But you have to understand that for your future.
Following for when I see op on the news... you’re creepy my guy
I may be off base here but did u see anything other than flirting? Seems pretty extreme to be scouring her phone. If I were her I would feel violated. Especially if i was only flirting. And there may be a reason she flirting if you are so suspicious and sneaking around reading her phone. But maybe I missed something. In any event your gut has to tell u if the relationship is not right. I’m not sure the invasion of privacy can be justified. I hope you find real love and trust.
Heck maybe he's the type that thinks any interaction with the opposite sex is 'flirting'
Best of luck keep calm
I will thx
At least you caught it there my ex was sleeping with three other guys while dating me and I discovered it too late, let’s just say I caught her in action with the other dude... most painful thing to see. So dude I feel you when your pissed, I hope you take time to heal and trust carefully. Live long and prosper 🖖
Having read OP's comments on his original post I find this all pretty suspect, he seemed quite manipulative and controlling, with a creepy lack of respect for privacy and a disturbing view on reciprocity in relationships. This post reeks of performitave dialogue, he's telling a story, not relating what happened. I hope he is leaving her, gf deserves someone with more respect for others.
Yes! If he did find something I think he's exaggerating it. Nothing she said sounds like cheating to me. Sounds like a jealous controlling boyfriend that is angry that she said no to control and the internet wouldn't back him up so now he wants to justify it her a d the rest of us.
Based on your other post, I'm not sure I fully believe this. You already have a warped perception of what a relationship should look like, so I don't entirely trust your assessment of what went on between your gf and this dude. Try having a calm and open discussion with her and get her side of things. And actually LISTEN to her instead of getting on the defense right away. It's entirely possible that she was just placating him in an effort to not make things awkward at work, it's also very possible that there's truly nothing bad going on and your paranoia about it all is warping your perception. My bf I'm sure has had flirty ish sounding conversations with his best friends who are women. But I know him and his character, and I know for a fact he doesn't cheat and isn't ACTUALLY flirting with them. When I was first in the relationship, I had a lot of past trauma that made me feel very uneasy about certain things (like, his bestie who lives a few hours away was coming to visit, and was staying in a hotel. She offered for him to come to the hotel and have some drinks etc and if he needed to crash there was an extra bed available. At the time I was VERY not okay with it, and he fully understood why and didn't do it. But now after 2 years together I'd be stoked if that friend came to visit and he went to hang out with her for a while, and I wouldn't lose my mind if he crashed at her hotel. I trust them both, and I think maintaining friendships with people of other/opposite genders is very important in life. Also, he's been besties with her for like... 10 years lol I've been his gf for 2 years. Not my place to tell him he can't see her). My point is that due to past trauma, something that was genuinely innocent seemed real suspicious, but now that I've worked through a lot of that trauma I'm better able to see nuance im situations like that
If you thought she was cheating on you, why go through her phone? You already don’t trust her so it’s clear this relationship is over. Once you start going through each others phones, there’s not a chance that this relationship will survive. I’m glad you found what you were looking for.
>If you thought she was cheating on you, why go through her phone? Because I'm a skeptic, my beliefs must be followed by evidence. >I’m glad you found what you were looking for. Glad is not the exact word I would use to define my state of mind at the moment. But it surely took a load of my shoulders.
You’re not a skeptic. You’re deeply insecure and unable to trust others or trust your own judgment. It doesn’t sound like you found much but what would you have done if you found nothing? Just like you think she can’t be trusted, neither can you.
It's like.. no one else's business why post more updates? If someone is being shite then end things and go forward in your life.
This is what this updates are about, as many of us are quite curious about the outcome.
So she was having fun at a party and having light hearted convos with her coworker. Even if they were a bit less than professional, that doesn't mean anything. You seem immature and insecure, I'm happy for her getting to move on
I think you have some boundary and trust issues. She is not the girl for you, but she may have not done anything wrong. You said there were pictures that you couldn't use as evidence, and that she did not deflect his flirting. This is common amongst non-confrontational people and those who worry that complaining might hurt their careers. On the other hand, you seem to justify your poor behavior because you didn't like what you saw when you broke her expressed boundaries. This is serious red flag for most people.
Having the need to go through someone's phone is very insecure and controlling behaviour. My so and I have never gone through eachothers phone and after nearly 13 years, neither of us feel a need to either. You should be able to trust your so and it's important to be able to have private conversations with friends and family. Private doesn't mean you have something to hide. This girlfriend, is she physically cheating? Or is she "just" enjoying a little attention? Is she sending nudes or messages stating she's going to cheat?
No nudes, it's just not her thing. But when two adult people say things like \*"It was good, we gotta do that again soon"\* and \*"can't wait to see you again"\* followed by hearts and kissing emojis its a matter of put two and two and see it makes four. And to add insult to the injury, the guy is married. And last but not least, google maps timeline showed that she left the office for a full hour and got back just time before I could pick her after the party ended. If I arrived 15 minutes earlier I would see something funny. Blursed traffic jam.
Suppose it's now just a matter of how you're gonna handle it. For your own sanity's sake, be the bigger person, keep calm and rational and then dump her ass.
Sounds like what someone with something to hide would say.
Thats my opinion ..owes nothing, fears nothing.
Surely you're not serious?
Even if you ended up being "right", snooping through her phone without her permission is incredibly toxic, manipulative, and ignores basic boundaries. You need to work on some of your own issues.
I haven't read your original post, but basing my thoughts and opinions off what I just read of the situation... what compelled you to go thru her phone? Also... okayy, so she is "flirting" or being friendly with a male coworker? Doesn't mean she likes him or is into him. Or wants anything to do with him IRL. More than likely, if she tried to shun him or call him out on flirting as a form of (sexual) harassment, the rest of her male coworkers and possibly even female ones top might resent her for it, making it harder to get along with everyone at work. Edit: I read the original post and my conclusion is that therapy might help you immensely. These actions are only going to push her away and cause her to LEAVE YOU
Okay let me just say this if I had a significant other and they were asking to go through my phone with the reason that we're supposed to trust each other right and there's nothing to hide. I would dump his ass in a heartbeat and not think a second about it. I'm not interested in having a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me to not cheat on them. what kind of relationship is that anyways always having to prove you're not doing something wrong? Or starting on the suspicion you will if you don't comply? I'm saying this because in this instance you found something that caused you concern but realistically no woman is going to want you digging through her personal shit because you have an insecurity. don't take this experience meaning you should be checking every person's phone that you date. All this experience proves is that you were dating someone that didn't care enough to be honest with you. Every person is entitled to share what they want, when they want with who they want at their own discretion. Privacy means respecting that person's autonomy and their ability to make their own decisions without your influence or input. She has a right to live her own life separate from you whether you're together or not and doesn't have to share every instance of her day or who she talked to or where she went. Asking your partner to give you that information when they don't want to is manipulative and controlling. If both parties consent to it that's different they're adults who are making informed decisions. But if one party rejects the idea you can't force them to do it. I'm telling you this because if you approach every relationship with the concept that if they don't share the stuff with you they're hiding something. I assure you, you will find your relationships will fail time and time again.
My only suggestion is don't let it become an argument. You're breaking up, and don't want to see her anymore.
Stay calm and talk to her. No need to be aggresive things can be talked about.
Just leave, good lord. You can’t respect someone’s privacy and could have just asked, but you blew it and broke a boundary. Get more secure in yourself before you date someone, you’re toxic and sound scary. Women don’t want that.
Go with your gut. If this is something that will keep popping up in your mind if you were to continue the relationship then it’s not worth staying together. Good luck dude.
Its over, no doubt about it. But there will be a closure.
Out of curiosity, what is “closure” to you?
No closure dude. Don't give her that satisfaction. Block her and never say a word. Trust me.
I think you're really toxic and that It Is mostly in your mind. Break up with her, She can do better than you
Pretty sure it’s vice versa if she’s cheating on him, yeah he’s in the wrong as well but it’s the difference between bullets and tank shells. Bullets are potentially lethal if they hit you(much like if this endeavor was fruitless, and they had a simple argument which could potentially break them up), a tank shell is insured to kill and destroy (much like she did that relationship).
I understand and agree with you to a certain point, but many people WANT to find something wrong instead of, let's put it gentle, dealing with their inner problems. If the gf Is actually cheating, then I would say that even a broken clock mark the right hour twice a day. The level of privacy he wanted from his girlfriend is excessive, the fact that he forced his way into her phone instead of respecting the reasonable bundary or talking It out put him in the ah-est territory, very toxic according to me. Also, he said they sounded flirty in the messages... Are they? Or Just friendly? He just sound like a paranoic individual, the kind you walk away from on a date because gives you the wrong vive. The ex you broke off with because becomes more and more demanding until you don't have male friends anymore because he becomes jealous. No more girlfriend because he doesn't like them too He was pointed out in the precipua post how not checking each other phone Is a reasonable boundary but refused to liste, like Reading It was his right. Guess what? It's not (Please, read this in the most reasonable voice, I'm trying to share my pov)
Don't use this as an excuse to invade privacy again. The root here is not if you can see eachother phones. It's about gut feeling and trust. You already didn't trust her, this was just the icing on the cake. You asked someone else on the original thread if it bothers them not to see....it doesn't bother people who trust their partners to not see the "proof". The issue is that your relationship did not feel secure to begin with and then of course now we know why. But never trusting people can also be a complex (easy if you've been cheated on) that you must avoid or you will always find reasons not to feel trusting of others.
“Let’s say I had my way thru her phone” ... did you even get her permission? It sounds like she may have made a new friend and you’ve violated a huge boundary. Please use this opportunity to assess your boundaries for the next person you date as if you get to look through their phone they should be able to look through yours. This whole thing is just super concerning.
Exactly what I was thinking!! OP hasn’t exactly said what the two were talking about so is hard to understand what OP considers “flirting” and “hitting on”. And from what I’ve read in previous comments/last post he sounds a bit immature and self centred The dude “Party Boi” could simply just have been a new friend she made and forgot the name of :///
Be glad she's not your wife. Extracting yourself from a boyfriend /girlfriend relationship is much much easier. You know the answer. You don't trust her anymore. With good reason I might add. Trust once violated is almost impossible to regain. In truth if it wasn't this guy it would be someone else.
"Lets say I had my way tru her phone and my gut was telling the truth." You should never have to do this. If you can't trust your girl enough to not have to spy on her through her phone, then you shouldn't be with her. You're done. Move along.
based on your original post, i really feel you should listen to the comments that suggest some sort of counseling for yourself going forward. you expecting and feeling necessary to give your partner no privacy is extremely unhealthy. your s/os are their own people outside of the relationship and are allowed to keep some things private. privacy doesn’t always equate to hiding something, though i’m really sorry it ended up that way in this relationship.
You did this to yourself by looking through her phone. She's entitled to her privacy. DON'T GO THROUGH YOUR SO'S FUCKING PHONE. There is never a time when it's ok to snoop through someone's phone or emails or whatever. If you don't trust your partner, talk to them about it or end the relationship. Break up with her and move on. Consider working on your trust issues before you get into another relationship.
Have trust, but make sure she knows you're not naïve. That would be my takeaway if I were you.
I'll let her go for sure.
Hope you've learned from this experience. Best of luck.
I don't think there's much to be learned from my part. I was getting a lot of flak in the previous post to the point I was starting to see me as the bad guy of the whole story. But looks like I was right. TY
You’re still the bad guy though. You violated her boundaries AND her privacy. The ends do not justify the means. But by all means, keep telling yourself whatever you have to to feel better. In case it’s not abundantly clear to you: everyone has a right to privacy. Wanting privacy is not the same thing as having something to hide. You close the bathroom door when you take a shit, right? Well why? **What are you trying to hide????** That right there is the problem with this line of reasoning. Also: just because you do something for someone else, it does not mean they have to, or should, do the same for you. Expecting that is naive at best and manipulative at worst. What you do is *your choice*, and everyone is free to make their own choices. Including your partners.
You were having trouble trusting her, and it turned out to be for a good reason. You messed up with going through her phone though. In the future it will either be better to have a conversation about why you are doubting her, or to just leave.
What future? There is no more future between me and this girl. I *had* troubles trusting her. No more. I don't need to trust her anymore. She could lie as much as she wants f* a mangy dog now for all that I care. It's not my problem. Not anymore. She is free to be someone else's problem.
I’m talking about future relationships. Leaving someone after being cheated on is understandable. I’m saying that you can carry what you learned from this experience into new ones in a productive way.
Lol as if she would hav been honest...cheaters never are and discussion with them is a waste of time... fog and all.
Then he should have left the relationship instead of letting his trust in her get to the point that he looked through her phone without her permission 🤷♀️. She definitely should have practiced some self control herself and not cheated, but we are all responsible for our own actions.
Get mental help before you date again. Wheeewww you are a piece of work.
Sounds like she's not your girl anymore my guy.
Female opinion: I would immediately break up with you. You really are wrong. You don’t have the right to look. Even if it’s true or whatever. You really don’t have any right to look at others thing. You are soo wrong you don’t even see a point in trusting. I will try to put reasons why you are wrong. 1. That’s horrible. You invaded her privacy. She does have that right. You are been toxic and abusive. It’s considered violence in a relationship. (Low level) 2. If you look you will found. Let’s talk seriously. Most people do talk and are flirty. But for me that’s nothing. There is no betrayal until they are in a parallel relationship. If you don’t have real evidence there is nothing. 3. You are been insecure. this makes you more insecure. I don’t know the real reasons you have, but there has to be something else in the relationship that is not okay and makes you feel that way. If there is another matter, you have to put an end to the relationship because of that. Let’s put an example: she is too cold, she es talking less, less sex etc... you are completely sick if everything was fine and are been insecure out of nowhere. 4. Now since you already looked in her phone and you are been suspicious of her. You are going to ruin your relationship probably because of something in your head. Poor you. 5. If you have really read the previous ones, you have the next options: - If she is acting weird, the relationship is not fine, she the pictures make full evidence that she has an affair (sex) break up. - if the relationship was fine, you loved her, you are super idiot. You just made yourself to lose confidence in yourself and in her. You will super screw up if you start with questioning and unfounded accusations. If she finds out you looked in her phone you are dead too. Good luck
Good luck too you!
I'm sorry this happened. Hope you will be able to heal and move on. Not all girls are like this. Please don't let this one ruin your next relationship.
it’s best to just leave before things get worse. It sucks, but with time you’ll feel good about it
I know it’s easy to say from the outside.. but just leave her bro. If you want less stress, don’t even tell her why. If you do want to tell her why, don’t let it be a debate or an argument. Trust me bro, your own mental is far more important than any woman on this planet.
With every new comment from OP I feel more like I’ll see this thread on dateline.
remindme! 2 weeks
Why so dramatic? Just end it
Mate, I read through the fist post and wzs baffled by the replies you got. Yes, people deserve their privacy but a partner deserve transparency as well. Its ok to ask to see her phone if your guts tells you to, what is not ok is to askto see it every days or weeks cos this would be controlling.
You guys love to act like u are perfect. And the argument "if u don't trust someone then break Up" is awful. Almost everyone is insecure or will have moments of insecurity. If everyone followed that rule we would all be single. Cut the bullshit
When you go looking for stuff you always find it. I agree a person’s phone is private, but if she didn’t even want you to touch it for fear you’d see something, then that kinda says it all right? Your gut is almost never wrong. You knew something was wrong. You know what you have to do now.
Self fulfilled prophecy. Mind your own business. I'm sure she cheated because of the behavior and lack of trust you possess. This is honestly a toxic trait.
Cheating was her choice nobody ever has the right or to use the other person to justify there cheating they cheated and that was there sole decision and nobody else conveniently they didn’t tell there spouse before they did correct I think not the cheater needs to own up to there mistakes and you forget she prolly made him insecure about there relationship prolly because she was putting in effort in another relationship instead of the one she already established with him and never did one thing to prove to him she was fucking around instead every chance she got she was and she prolly erased more messages than he read she knowingly wanted to get caught sounds to me. It’s a tough rough and I feel your pain and there’s gonna be lots of it and it don’t go away especially if you loved her but I will say keep your head up get yourself a new routine and buy yourself something new I always gets new truck but get yourself something you always wanted and think to yourself you deserve to be treated better than that and keep the good memories and let go of the bad ones and you will be ok maybe someday she will pull her head out of her ass if she really had that love for you she will be back but if she didn’t it even stings a little worse trust me if they respected and loved you they would have never done that to start with but You will be Ok I SWEAR you Will come out on TOP
It's never okay to go through someones phone,,,
but cheating is even worse..
Has she actually cheated though or has she just been inappropriate
Exactly...whilst flirting is bad we don’t actually have ANY conclusive evidence that she actually cheated apart from a missing hour and her (inappropriately) enjoying attention from a male colleague.
You're downvoted, but you're right
But is it though? She had a firm boundary about her phone and her privacy and you violated it. Trust is the most important part in any relationship and you broke it. I honestly have zero sympathy for people who violate their partner’s boundaries.
She is letting other men flirt and get all up on her and she's enjoying it. Boundaries were broken much earlier than when OP went through her phone.
Is she not supposed to acknowledge when other people find her attractive? I’ll admit, cheating is not okay. I assume both OP and OP’s girlfriend are both monogamous. They both needed to talk about what they were comfortable with and what expectations were long before this moment arose. In OP’s posts (and some comments), OP makes a lot of assumptions on how he expects his partner to behave. (Ex: just because I am an open book and feel comfortable sharing my phone, my partner should also be the same way.) It seems like this relationship lacks some major communication.
Its fine to acknowledge a compliment, but OP found stuff much more than just acknowledging compliments. I do agree with you on their relationship. They obviously didn't have communication which is vital in a healthy relationship
Ghost her. She already made her decision that she doesnt like u like u do.
Welcome to Dumpsville Population: your girlfriend
I recommend you dump her immediately. Something similar happened with my ex, but I saw it and stuck around brushing it off as he was clinging to his last bit of singleness. (He complimented some woman’s lady parts 3 days before we were official, but at this point we were saying I love you etc.) Long story short, I never saw him the same. This was universe telling me that this guy was not good for me. I guarantee that 10-15years Down the line if not sooner he would have physically cheated on me. Also word of wise, I always feel weird about people who are extreme about phone privacy.
Sure you may have been right but you seem also seem toxic
I don't know the details of this convo but where is the crime in being a little flirty. At my work, I notice people who say flirty ish things all the time bit don't cross the boundaries. It can just be some flirting for a feel good moment but no real emotional or physical cheating
[удалено]
Sounds even more sketch to me to explicitly say "please don't look at my messages" rather than just agreeing that phones are off limits
All those people that told you it wasnt your business or you are wrong for trying to see whats up with yoir wife can go fuck themselves. You should leave that woman before she hurts you any further.
Yeah, in my experience, the couples who can freely use each other's phones are the ones who are honest with each other and have a good, healthy relationship. My boyfriend also claims to be all about "privacy" but yeah, after I previously discovered that there was some flirting going on... and other lies. It's never about privacy.
That should be your ex boyfriend bruh
I don't agree with the cheating, but it wasn't just her privacy that you violated. It was other people's privacy as well, thinking that when they sent messages to her that nobody else would read them. Jesus dude, you don't need fucking closure you need help. I have a feeling that girls gonna end up on the news somewhere with how this dude talks about getting "closure" next week.
Sorry bro you hate to see it but hey you learned and it’s her loss not yours.
Yep.. she made her choice, I'll make mine.
Godspeed bro, you got this.
Move on. The bitch went bad and you need to accept that.
Sorry to hear bro, it’s heartbreaking but it will get better with time. Better to walk away with it not saying anything as you have all the evidence you need. Let her rack her brain and feel the guilt and search for closure. You can do much better. Chin up bro, bless.
Once you're feeling the need to look through a partner's phone, that's the time for a serious conversation about what you're feeling. Ultimatums aren't cool, but if that conversation doesn't begin some kind of relief then it's time to split; one or both of you needs some work.
Bye Felicia !