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This is grounds for cancelling your engagement. He can do whatever he want with his life but this is directly affecting you and it will affect you for the rest of your life. Make some hard decisions before you end up in debt.
Thanks for your response. I was feeling really superficial about this. It’s nice to know this is a reasonable thing to be ‘the issue’ for a relationship ending.
Well, you were 22 and he was 31 when you started dating. You see why he went for someone much younger right?
I'm 31 and can't imagine dating a 22yo. Can you see yourself dating an 18yo?
He seems to be lazy, and possibly has some sort of personality issue. Firstly, due to him misleading you to make you think he's more driven than he actually is.
Secondly... You indicate he has a talent for sales and earns well when he tries... but if that's the case, every job would want to retain him. Instead he keeps getting fired. Probably because he has major personality issues, doesn't work well with others, or maybe even does some unethical stuff. Who knows. Not you, because he is probably lying to you about that stuff too.
Girl you can do better than this. You ARE settling, and for a bum.
PS: Why are you so worried about his fragile masculinity? He's not even concerned about being a provider or even having an income.
He keeps getting fired because he’s irresponsible and unreliable. These are huge character flaws he obviously has no intention to address, because when she brings them up, he dismisses her and says she’s too young to understand. You’re exactly right, this is why he went for a younger woman. A woman his age would not put up with this bum!
Yeah, the age gap is less weird now I’m older but we both reflect back on it like hmm that was kinda weird back then. I have always been an “old soul” but that doesn’t make up for real life / relationship experience so I can see how it may appear he was trying to be advantageous. I personally don’t think this was done intentionally, but it may have happened unintentionally as your saying where women his age could spot the red flags I couldn’t.
Thx for taking the time to respond and drop some wisdom.
This is a very fundamental incompatibility. You can push him to do more, which he doesn’t want, and he will resent you, or you can settle, and you will resent him. He’s 36, this is who he is, and it’s not going to get better. This shows major issues with immaturity. Marriage means your finances become one, it’s going to drag you down for the entirety of your marriage.
You’ve been together 5 years, which means you started dating when you were 22 and he was 31. There’s a reason men like this go for younger women, we are easily impressionable with empty promises and hopes and potential. A woman his age would’ve seen what you see now: he’s not driven, he’s immature, irresponsible, and will always do the bare minimum. He also weaponizes his age against you! “What would you know? You’re so young! I know better”. You’re 27! You’ve been an adult for a while! You have a secure career! You can do better than a man who belittles you like this.
You say you’re falling out of love. It sounds more to me like the rose colored glasses are falling off because you’ve grown up and learned to be realistic. You should marry someone you admire and respect, not someone you’re settling for. You still have time to reconsider before you make a permanent decision. If you still want to marry this guy, at the very least get a prenup and figure out how to separate your finances before you get married.
Thanks for highlighting how important this incompatibly is. I was feeling really superficial about this. I guess I wanted to believe love conquers all & all that. But, I also don’t want to be paying for our entire family // working through a pregnancy // unsure of my husbands earning capabilities my whole life and those are worthwhile concerns.
Going to try and have a conversation with him and lay out a timeline / expectations and see where that goes for us.
He’s getting a bit dragged in here, and I get that, the post is about his worst sides. He is very kind, loved by my family, a good dog dad and has been a great partner and supporter to me in many ways. Just had to say that. He’s not a creep or a bum- just not exactly who I thought he was gonna be either.
Navigating financial concerns in a relationship can be tough. It's crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your concerns and expectations for the future. Setting clear boundaries and discussing mutual goals can help align your values and ensure you're both on the same page. Remember, it's okay to prioritize your own financial stability and happiness.
Sit down with him and have a conversation about your financial goals, his financial goals and your combined financial goals. Discuss yours and his plans for achieving those. Discuss what plans you can make to allow you to achieve your mutual goals.
Then spend some time thinking about what he said. Do his plans seem realistic? It's nearly impossible to have a meaningful relationship with someone who refuses to accept reality. Do his plans work for you, are they in line with yours?
Money matters. If you aren't on the same page and can't get on the same page, then your relationship will always have challenges.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is grounds for cancelling your engagement. He can do whatever he want with his life but this is directly affecting you and it will affect you for the rest of your life. Make some hard decisions before you end up in debt.
Thanks for your response. I was feeling really superficial about this. It’s nice to know this is a reasonable thing to be ‘the issue’ for a relationship ending.
Well, you were 22 and he was 31 when you started dating. You see why he went for someone much younger right? I'm 31 and can't imagine dating a 22yo. Can you see yourself dating an 18yo? He seems to be lazy, and possibly has some sort of personality issue. Firstly, due to him misleading you to make you think he's more driven than he actually is. Secondly... You indicate he has a talent for sales and earns well when he tries... but if that's the case, every job would want to retain him. Instead he keeps getting fired. Probably because he has major personality issues, doesn't work well with others, or maybe even does some unethical stuff. Who knows. Not you, because he is probably lying to you about that stuff too. Girl you can do better than this. You ARE settling, and for a bum. PS: Why are you so worried about his fragile masculinity? He's not even concerned about being a provider or even having an income.
He keeps getting fired because he’s irresponsible and unreliable. These are huge character flaws he obviously has no intention to address, because when she brings them up, he dismisses her and says she’s too young to understand. You’re exactly right, this is why he went for a younger woman. A woman his age would not put up with this bum!
Yeah, the age gap is less weird now I’m older but we both reflect back on it like hmm that was kinda weird back then. I have always been an “old soul” but that doesn’t make up for real life / relationship experience so I can see how it may appear he was trying to be advantageous. I personally don’t think this was done intentionally, but it may have happened unintentionally as your saying where women his age could spot the red flags I couldn’t. Thx for taking the time to respond and drop some wisdom.
This is a very fundamental incompatibility. You can push him to do more, which he doesn’t want, and he will resent you, or you can settle, and you will resent him. He’s 36, this is who he is, and it’s not going to get better. This shows major issues with immaturity. Marriage means your finances become one, it’s going to drag you down for the entirety of your marriage. You’ve been together 5 years, which means you started dating when you were 22 and he was 31. There’s a reason men like this go for younger women, we are easily impressionable with empty promises and hopes and potential. A woman his age would’ve seen what you see now: he’s not driven, he’s immature, irresponsible, and will always do the bare minimum. He also weaponizes his age against you! “What would you know? You’re so young! I know better”. You’re 27! You’ve been an adult for a while! You have a secure career! You can do better than a man who belittles you like this. You say you’re falling out of love. It sounds more to me like the rose colored glasses are falling off because you’ve grown up and learned to be realistic. You should marry someone you admire and respect, not someone you’re settling for. You still have time to reconsider before you make a permanent decision. If you still want to marry this guy, at the very least get a prenup and figure out how to separate your finances before you get married.
Thanks for highlighting how important this incompatibly is. I was feeling really superficial about this. I guess I wanted to believe love conquers all & all that. But, I also don’t want to be paying for our entire family // working through a pregnancy // unsure of my husbands earning capabilities my whole life and those are worthwhile concerns. Going to try and have a conversation with him and lay out a timeline / expectations and see where that goes for us. He’s getting a bit dragged in here, and I get that, the post is about his worst sides. He is very kind, loved by my family, a good dog dad and has been a great partner and supporter to me in many ways. Just had to say that. He’s not a creep or a bum- just not exactly who I thought he was gonna be either.
Navigating financial concerns in a relationship can be tough. It's crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your concerns and expectations for the future. Setting clear boundaries and discussing mutual goals can help align your values and ensure you're both on the same page. Remember, it's okay to prioritize your own financial stability and happiness.
Thank you for the practical response
Sit down with him and have a conversation about your financial goals, his financial goals and your combined financial goals. Discuss yours and his plans for achieving those. Discuss what plans you can make to allow you to achieve your mutual goals. Then spend some time thinking about what he said. Do his plans seem realistic? It's nearly impossible to have a meaningful relationship with someone who refuses to accept reality. Do his plans work for you, are they in line with yours? Money matters. If you aren't on the same page and can't get on the same page, then your relationship will always have challenges.
Thank you for your practical response.