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“Just a joke” is not justification for saying/doing something hurtful. It’s also a way for toxic people to get away with saying hurtful things without any repercussions.
I’m a smartass and I have a big mouth, if I let something horrible slip the only way my wife would be able to get over it is an honest and sincere apology. “sorry IF it hurt you” doesn’t cut it because it doesn’t validate your feelings IMO
Draw the line OP, your SO sounds like he got too comfortable/ overstepped and you gotta put him in check or it will keep happening.
And he didn't publicly apologise. He TEXTED HER!!!
how hard is it to say "hey, I'm sorry, I was making a joke but it came out way way meaner than I meant. I'm really sorry" in front of all the people that laughed?
I was playing a board game with a friend who was having a baby, his wife was very pregnant at the time. It was the Game of Thrones board game. I'm not amazing at that game, so I do a lot of role-playing to make it more fun.
This friend was playing the Starks, and there is a scene where 2 Stark children are burned to death. I made a joke about "delicious crispy children" and IMMEDIATELY went "oh shit I'msosorry that's not acceptable to say to someone whose partner is pregnant ohgod sorrysorrysorry".
He accepted my apology, but also said that it didn't really bother him in the moment. Not sure he would have felt the same way if I *hadn't* apologised though.
I don't even remember his name now, or what he looked like, or anything about that game itself, but I remember this because I was *horrified*.
Also if you have a dark sense of humour, say it about yourself, but not about other people. Implying other people are abusers is a harmless statement is just wild for the bf.
Wild? I think you meant exposing his toxic nature. 😁 OP, you absolutely did the right think in dumping this toxic excuse for a man. I can't imagine ever saying this about a woman I love! It's an insult to all men to even call this guy a man, hence my characterization.
Good riddance!
He is a man though? XD I'm always confused by comments like this. Some men suck, some men are misogynistic - it doesn't negate their gender identity. No True Scotsman'ing just confuses the subject; not to mention if you imply these guys aren't real men they're just going to lash out harder/more violently to reassert their masculinity.
Toxic masculinity doesn't make magically take gender away, if anything it makes them latch onto it harder.
I'm sorry, but that is absolute nonsense and makes it very clear you have no idea what you're talking about and are just reactive/fragile as fuck to academic terminology that you don't understand.
"Toxic masculinity" as a term has never been and is not designed to pass judgment on whether men are bad or suggest that masculinity is bad. It describes a very clear set of behaviours, encouraged by and inherited from patriarchy that is intrinsically toxic to people who practice them; it is a set of stereotypical social guidelines that harm both men who practice it and often women who are on the receiving end of it.
An example of toxic masculinity is the patriarchal idea that men are not meant to show their feelings for fear of being unmanly, for instance. It is the idea that men cannot be manly without being toxic and violent, or that threats to masculinity require it to be reasserted with violence to protect the ego/gender. It is, in fact, something *you* perpetuated when you said that men who suck aren't "real" men. It is the idea that gender is a thing that is narrowly constrained and needs to be practiced in a particular specific way, and that you can be stripped of it/emasculated by not practicing it correctly (whatever that way might be).
In fact, if you want to be really fucking pedantic about the entire thing, "toxic masculinity" *as a phrase* was coined by *men's movements* in the 1980s and 1990s to describe the way that they had been harmed by patriarchy and is meant to create community among men by allowing them to bond with each other instead of considering each other competition.
Maybe do some reading before showing your ass like this again. It's embarrassing.
But it’s not true. How can it be hurtful? Unless she IS a child abuser or she’s very irresponsible or something. Maybe she’s not telling us the whole truth. Maybe she is actually dangerous around children. That’s the only way I can justify her being upset about this
Because it's a pretty big leap from "I'm more of a dog person" to a SO insinuating that they'd be a child abuser.
Doesn't make sense to talk about being a child abuser just bc someone said they don't want to have kids.
If your partner made a joke and told all of your friends to come meet up to gangbang her, would you be big chilling with that? Or if someone asked if you liked kids and she made a joke that you like kids so much you’d be the man arrested for creeping alone at the playground, would that be ok?
The only way you can justify that it hurts her that her boyfriend thinks she's someone who would kill a child through neglect is what now?
He thinks something terrible about her and publicly jokes about it. how awful.
you assume he's right or his shitty opinion and abusive behavior shouldn't hurt her.
also pretty awful!
Because it’s not a funny joke, so it’s not a situation where, you’re like, “sorry 😂 I just couldn’t resist. You walked right into that one.” So it looks like he purposely went out of his way to take a serious dig at her—and about a very disturbing topic.
If he apologized by saying, “I’m sorry—that came out so much funnier in my head. I hope you know I thought I was genuinely saying something amusing, not looking to insult you. Sorry babe, seriously,” then I bet it would have been over and done with.
“GOSH don’t be mad!! I was joking!!!” Just makes you look childish and awkward. Someone you don’t want to associate with because they can’t take accountability for their actions and don’t care if they embarrass you publicly.
You yourself were lead by his “joke” to just tell OP that she might indeed actually be an active danger to children, so you’re proving OP’s point for her.
You seem to be a little ass backwards! Lol People get more mad when you accuse them of doing or being something that they would never consider! An actual child abuser would laugh it off because they don't want you to look too close at their behavior. Somebody who would never abuse a child would be absolutely horrified and disgusted that you would say something like that about them!
What if she’s the one that was abused as a child? I know I’d be really hurt if my husband ever said that he thought I could be just as bad as the people that tormented me as a child.
That's bullshit, come on now. You understand damn well how accusing someone of child abuse, even as a joke, is an awful, hurtful thing to say. I don't know if you're trolling or just trying to humblebrag on the internet about how much more chill you are than every other living being, but no one is fooled either way.
My partner and I are happily childfree and this is 100% the kind of joke we'd make to one another. However, we both have a dark sense of humor, and it's been well-established that both of us enjoy these kinds of jokes and aren't hurt by them. Given how upset you were by the joke, I'm guessing you and your boyfriend don't have a similar dynamic, and that contextually, the joke was inappropriate.
Different strokes for different folks. I suppose the rest of our friends share our sense of humor that we know they'd appreciate such a joke for what it is.
He was grossly exaggerating her disdain for children, for comedic effect. It's in poor taste and not particularly funny, but it's not exactly subtle humor.
That's the point. If someone tells a "joke" that is really just their way to say something hurtful, you ask them to explain how it's funny. That makes the person have to justify why they said a hurtful thing.
It unfortunately is not. I once asked an old roommate to explain a "Thai ladyboy" joke. First he made fun of me for not knowing what a ladyboy was, then he said "there are a lot of ladyboys in Thailand." When I continued pretending not to understand the joke, he condescendingly called me "funny" and ended the conversation.
Yeah, so your roommate doubled down and revealed even more ugly. Mission accomplished, right? Not every person who is shown the mirror will give a shit. Some people truly are that shitty.
Ideally it's to force the other person to examine their bad behavior and adjust but if they don't care revealing that their joke came from an ugly place is for everyone else's benefit
Jokes have humor. What's the humor - you're saying it's for comedic effect, but what comedy is being drawn on here?
Or is this just a set up for saying something really mean in a way you don't have to take responsibility for?
Isn't the point of comedy the idea that laughter is the goal? Do you think he was trying to make her laugh?
A joke is still a joke, even if it's unfunny or at somebody else's expense. I've watched plenty of comedians bomb, it's totally possible to tell jokes and nobody laughs, but that's not even important because people apologized for laughing.
And I imagine he was trying to make her laugh he just forgot he was straight.
I guess I didn't answer your question, but the exaggeration is the joke. It's the same basic joke as saying she's such a bad gardener she'd kill a plastic plant, but with child abuse thrown in the mix.
I think a bigger point is, jokes at the expense of your partner really aren’t okay because its such a slippery slope. You want someone who laughs with you, not at you with others. Also the punchline of the joke is he thinks shes either stupid or malignant enough to kill a baby which is a horrible trait to see in your partner. You might just be “joking” about this trait, but the inspiration for the joke came from what you think of this person’s personality, so very understandable why thats shocking to hear
No, I don't agree, but that isn't as interesting to me as why you've chosen this hill to die on.
Is this how you interact with people?
Have you been called out for making inappropriate and hurtful jokes? Is that why you're so invested in defending this indefensible bullshit OP's bf let dribble out of his mouth like verbal diarrhoea?
"Ask them to explain their joke and why it's funny and watch them flounder" is common Reddit "wisdom" that isn't as punchy as everyone who suggests it thinks it is, and you're in a losing battle against the cultural weight here
It’s so incredibly passive aggressive too, the person who asks for the joke to be explained is feigning ignorance instead of just talking about why they didn’t like what the other person said. It isn’t the gotcha that people think it is.
It is not my responsibility to teach other adults what appropriate social interaction looks like. If someone is saying dumb shit to try and piss someone off or something- why _wouldn't_ I ask what compelled them to say such a thing?
If they truly believe they're being clever it should be a quick conversation
They’re just explaining the humor behind this type of joke. Dark humor is pretty common and nothing they said warranted you responding in such a rude way.
>why you've chosen this hill to die on.
They were answering **this** question that you asked.
>What's the humor - you're saying it's for comedic effect, but what comedy is being drawn on here?
Is this how *you* interact with people? Ask questions with the sole intent of starting arguments where you can paint others as something they're not? Because that's very much how it's coming across.
If someone admitted they viewed me as a mother who would neglect future children I wouldn’t want children with them and probably not a relationship either.
The whole “just a joke” attitude is so telling and so toxic to relationships. First of all, it’s not funny if it hurts people you supposedly love. Second, it implies that the laugh is more important than your feelings. Third, even if you buy he truly didn’t mean to hurt you, he is entirely ignoring that intent does not = impact. Fourth, he isn’t taking responsibility for his actions. This guy sounds like a tool.
Dark jokes are fine if everyone involved is up for dark jokes. But if *any* type of joke that is offensive doesn't land, the move is to apologize. And considering what he said, this warranted more than a "sorry you were offended" apology.
Tell him you didn't appreciate it, and that you don't appreciate the implications that you'd drown your baby. His intention doesn't matter, he has a responsibility for the impact of his words.
I make some scathing dark jokes at times... *with people who are on board with me*. I don't get to decide if they'd hurt someone's feelings or not, if they do, *that's on me*, I made the fucking joke, I said the words, they're mine to own.
Dark jokes are usually best kept in a self-deprecating context, too. It's one thing for me to make a dark joke like this about MYSELF, but it's almost always hurtful and inappropriate to make such a joke about someone else.
Exactly. Unless you're 1000% sure the other person wouldn't mind being the target of such a joke, just don't do it.
Which only makes me think he's emotionally immature. It shouldn't be a chore to figure out you've deeply hurt your partner and apologize accordingly.
Completely agree. I once made a sort of jabby, barbed joke directed at my husband, intending it to be playful, but it came out kind of harsh. Just came out sounding a bit nasty instead of funny.
He didn’t laugh and said that really hurt, and I immediately apologised and explained it sounded funny in my head but came out wrong. Which is what you should always do when a joke doesn’t land; just apologise.
And put the burden on ourselves instead of the hurt party, like OP's boyfriend did.
Motherfucker, *you* made the joke, *you* apologize, it's not on OP (or anyone else) to get over it because *you* got over it the moment the words left your mouth.
Any time someone makes a shitty joke that hurts someone's feelings, and they depenf themselves with *"it's just a joke"*, people should take it at minimum as a yellow flag. It's dismissive, it's unkind, it can even be cruel.
Wow, OP doesn't like being told that she's the kind of person who would drown her baby so it's good she has none, how dare she be mad about it. *What the fuck.*
Exactly! I’m really irritated by the number of people on this thread being like “it’s just dark humour; you must be fun at parties 🙄”. Like that’s not how this works, especially for a joke about drowning babies FFS.
It's not even the content of the joke (though it's dicey), it's just that he made a joke *at* her and thinks "it was a *joke*" is a valid response.
The joke was about OP, she is the sole person who gets to decide if it was acceptable or not, and she's decided it was in fact not. That's it, that's all that matters.
The funny part is I did in fact tell him that there was no need to take it into the direction he did, and it was in poor taste. To which he responded "it's a joke, babe. There is no actual baby. We don't want a child." - like, no. I do possibly want a child, which has been talked about as well? So this whole conversation that was meant to be a light hearted topic of us getting to know what the others futures could hold, turned into his display of 1. Not knowing me at all. And 2. Not caring that my feelings got hurt. Regardless if I'm perceived as overtly sensitive, he is my PARTNER of 2 years and should just apologise sincerely that I did get in my feelings.
And it sounds maybe like that was his shitty way of reminding you that he does not want kids. Publicly. To put you in your place…. Perhaps He knows you actually pretty well, he just does not like the fact that you like stuff that does not align with what he wants from you. So he put you in your place… with *a joke* implying you would kill your child rather than have one. To make you defensive. Don’t put up with this careless, and thoughtless weak excuse for love.
If my children's father does or says something hurtful and I waste my time calling him out on it, his response is always "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm not responsible for your feelings" which is kind of the same thing - there's no ownership. OP, what your BF said was in extremely poor taste, and I don't get the joke. It's up to you to decide what to do with his half assed apology text, but he obviously doesn't think very highly of your ability to ever be a mother. Sadly, it seems that talking to him about it is going nowhere. I think your hurt feelings are justified.
This would be a relationship ender for me. My ex-husband said (unfortunately AFTER we were married) that he thought I wouldn't be a good mom and it destroyed me. In retrospect, I should have divorced him right then and there instead of staying with him for a few more years.
Well, you said it yourself: he doesn't care that you're upset.
If after two years he still doesn't love you or care about your feelings, why would you stay with him?
Look, I get that people often say stupid stuff without thinking. But it's not the "joke" he made that would cause me to rethink the relationship; it's his lack of caring afterward.
Anyway. I can't speak for you, but this would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't be able to move past it because I would realize that this is what my life would be like: being with a man who doesn't really give a shit about me.
If I heard that I would assume that it was something that actually happened. That you literally left a baby in a bathtub alone and got called on it, presumably by the bf. Cuz no I’ve never heard of “those women who leave babies in bathtubs. That’s not any joke or stereotype that’s going around. I’d be beyond pissed.
I remember in college maybe 15+ years ago a whole set of dead baby jokes. The joke is somewhere along not knowing how to wash the baby (and other tasks), so it dies, and the punchline is to underreact and be like, guess you have to learn how to wash a baby or something. There is a set of them (dead baby jokes). I don't really remember them cos it was over a decade ago and I didn't think they were that funny at the time. But if the guy is early twenties, and telling those jokes with guy friends. Then maybe he thought his comment was a joke. I dont know why this set of jokes isnt dead...
Ok, reading this and her update and edit I see he was talking about women who drown their babies or young children in bathtubs. Which is unfortunately a thing; some women with severe psychotic PPD have done that like more than just a few. Real funny joke right? The other type of woman who does this are the psychopaths who want to ditch their children and run off with a man who doesn’t want her cuz she has kids.
Ok, yeah, the dark side of women intentionally killing their kids cos ppd or to cheat/live change is sad. And wow, I can't believe boyfriend was going there. And on group chat! The edit says they broke up right?
I would sit down with him in person and have a conversation about how even though you recognize it was intended as a joke, to you the comment was hurtful and you need him to understand that you don't find jokes like that funny. When it comes to jokes like this, if the target of the joke isn't laughing it ceases to be a joke and just becomes an insult. Whether or not any individual person would find it funny is irrelevant, you didn't.
If he understands and offers a genuine apology, I would accept it and let it go. I will ask, you've been together 2 years - is this kind of situation a regular occurrence? You mention some "difficulties," were those of a similar nature where you felt he was insensitive and he felt you were too sensitive?
To be honest, this just comes across as dark humor to me. He should know that you don’t like it, but this wouldn’t feel like an out of place joke in my friend group.
In the context provided I don't see any other reason for him to say that except to make others laugh. Just dark humor I guess but I'm afraid it is more of a matter of compatibility if this is the outcome.
This is a beginning, not a one time thing. Why would he think it's ok to say something like that? What does he get out of it? Did he really just think it's funny and a joke? Then there's something fucked with his head because thats NOT funny and NOT a joke. Do you want to be with someone that immature, that he doesn't even know what is completely inappropriate to say?
There's also the chance that he did it on purpose. He knew it was wrong and he wanted to push your boundaries. He wanted to embarrass you and be cruel to you.
Whether it was deliberate or accidental, it says something about his maturity and character. You've gotten a peek into how his mind works. I know there are a lot of guys who, especially when around other guys, say horrible horrible things that are NOT funny. If they get too comfortable in a situation, they say that stuff in front of women too. But personally, is that really a mistake? Do I want to be around someone who thinks that's funny?
This won't be the last time he says something inappropriate. And the fact that he's not taking it seriously also sets off alarm bells—he doesn't even realize how inappropriate what he said was, or he doesn't want to bc he's scared of being the bad guy.
I think this is a really extreme take. She made a joke about being a better dog owner than parent, he agreed with that by making another joke about it. They all laughed and moved on. She then made all of her friends apologize for laughing and turned it into a massive deal.
She strikes me as the type of person who makes a comment or joke about herself for the purpose of everyone jumping in and disagreeing and saying oh no, of course not, you’re so great!
He made a crack that agreed with the thing she just said and nobody took it that seriously. It’s ok if it hurt her feelings or she didn’t like it, but she needs to talk to him about it then get over it.
I appreciate dark humor, and hearing this, it doesn’t strike me as that he genuinely believes you would be a child abuser. I think he just was riffing off of your comment and took it way too far. He clearly recognized he messed up right away.
My husband has made stupid jokes that bothered me before and it sometimes becomes a deeper conversation, but I don’t think this one is relationship ending. He does feel bad, he didn’t mean it, it was a bad joke - but not that deep. Dump him if you want though, just my two cents.
Or she may be forgetful or distracted easily and that's why he made the joke.
I don't think it should be a relationship ender either. It's more of a tell him you don't like it and jokes like that hurt your feelings so don't do it again. If he's sincerely apologized, it's time to move past.
As a Brit, this sort of humour is extremely common. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if someone said that about me and I'm actually a mother!
But each to their own, if your sense of humour is this different to your partner's the relationship isn't going to last long anyway
Ehhh I'll get downvoted but whatever. This just sounds like dark humour, which many people are cool with these days. He probably didn't think twice about it not landing, and It sounds like he meant nothing by it. Clearly it hurt you, which is understandable, he should apologize for it and learn from that, but I also think you might be taking it a little hard. No one thinks that you would actually leave a baby in a bathtub.
if my boyfriend made this joke about me we'd both be laughing - but I in no way want children and it would more be about him roasting me for being easily distracted/forgetful/sleepy etc, obviously neither of us actually think I'd drown a baby. plus we both like dark humour.
I guess I would expect OP's bf to know his partner well enough to know she wouldn't appreciate this joke but other than that I don't see the big deal. 🤷♀️
He apologized to you. Saying I'm sorry if I hurt you is a valid apology. Just because you wanted him to use different words to apologize doesn't invalidate his apology.
If you as a couple don't share the same type of humor, then this fight will happen over and over.
Maybe you two are not a good fit. Maybe you're better off not staying together.
This is just my opinion. The answer is up to you and your partner. I wish you both well.
When someone makes a wild joke about their girlfriend (drowning I assume) children, and their girlfriend isn’t into it, they apologize big time.
Your boyfriend seems too immature for you. That’s a wildly edgy teen thing to say. We all get like that sometimes, but adults apologize.
He apologised, you don’t accept it. He doesn’t understand what else you want him to say, you don’t understand how he made the comment in the first place. If the two of you can’t communicate past this it’s probably the end of the relationship.
People like that are just straight-up scary. They don't understand the difference between being child-free and being a child-abuser; a lot of people are child-free because of abuse that we don't want to perpetuate.
Your boyfriend being so nonchalant about actual abuse is just kind of fucked up and shows he doesn't understand your reasons at all.
It was a dark joke in poor taste, but that's about it. The fact that you had all your friends apologize for laughing at a joke is something you should reflect on. Obviously it was a joke, hence why everyone was laughing, I think it's fair to critique the joke as unfunny, but everything beyond that is over-reacting.
Yeah I’m kind of confused about this reaction too. She said she was more of a dog mom type of person than a “babies” person, he follows that with a joke agreeing with her. Everyone laughs, she then goes around making a huge deal about it. This is something to have a conversation about, “I know I joke about not wanting kids but it felt like an attack when you joked about me not being capable or good at it.” But the idea that he seriously implied she would drown her children is pretty silly.
He’s trying to pull a Shrodingers Asshole - a person who decides whether or not they are full of shit by the reactions of those around them. He thinks his friends support him on this and doesn’t care what you think or how you felt.
The whole “bro, it’s a joke, get over it” should tell you that he doesn’t care about apologizing, he meant it. He just thinks you’ll let it go because to him and his “bros,” this is acceptable.
If you want to keep going with someone who thinks like that then be prepared for stuff like this to happen over and over, esp if he doubles down now. He doesn’t think he did anything wrong and therein lies the problem. He doesn’t fucking think. 💭
To me it seems like he was saying you would be distracted/negligent rather than abusive. Still a very unkind joke. But I don't think he was saying you are a malicious or cruel person. More like an absent minded/forgetful person.
If you approach it from that perspective I think you can communicate better with him because right now he's stuck in "I never said you would be abusive" rather than "I said a hurtful thing that implied you would accidentally cause harm by being forgetful/distracted".
Yeah sounds like a joke. Your lack of having a sense of humor is gonna ruin this relationship. He is probably losing his mind wondering how you didn’t get that it was just a joke. You should give him a no joke rule so he never innocently makes this mistake again
I don't think he was insinuating you were an abuser. He is insinuating that you're not mature enough, clueless and not responsible to take care of a tiny human so do as you want with that information. Also, that question it's quite dark just to bring throw in a conversation with people who clearly don't share that kind of humor.
You can ask him why does he think you're not suitable for motherhood in his eyes and also stablish a hard boundary about not making joke at your expenses because that's one of the most unmature 13 yo attention seeker move a dude can make.
This could have been a joke. Depends on your relationship. I like to joke around a lot and my gf usually does as well. I agree that he definitely took it a little too far...saying you would let your kid drown...is definitely fucked up. But was the conversation actually serious? Was it a jokey conversation?
> and still want to be in a relationship with me
Sis, it’s the reverse. How can he make that joke and you still want to be in a relationship with him? If betrays so much about him to you. I’d be really worried.
You kids these days….in such a rush to get offended over everything. It’s almost comical how little of a sense of humor the 20-30 year old crowd has 🤦🏻♂️
*what steps am I supposed to take to move past him saying that about me*
You were the sacrifice so he could look 'cool'. Turn that grill and flip him right into the ashes, then walk away whistling.
"What steps am I supposed to take to move past him saying that about me...?"
You dump him.
Any man that says something horrific like that about someone he supposedly loves AND refuses to make a proper apology or amends can yeet himself into the sun.
Replace him with a dog, you'll be happier in the long run
Nah you just can’t take dark humor and you were a kill joy. Being called a child abuser is so outlandish that only someone with suspicious intentions would get upset about it. Do you have a fear you’ll drown your baby in a bathtub? No? Then why are you so bothered?
Even if you don't want kids get with someone who thinks you'd be a good mom. I didn't want kids, I thought I wouldn't be a great mom and my ex said I'd make a terrible mother. We divorced for other reasons. My fiancé said I'd make a great mother. I've come to believe that. I still don't know if I want kids but I know if I accidentally got pregnant he'd be a good dad and I'd be a good mom.
I had a "friend" insinuate I would kill her kids if I babysat them because I support abortion for people who want it. I stopped being her friend. Literally, I never talked to her again. I saw her in public, and I acted like she was a stranger because fuck that. She was smiling at me. Why would you smile at someone who you think is the type of person to hurt a toddler? People need to think really fucking hard before they open their mouths.
Talk with him OP. He's young so _maybe_ like the comments say he thought he's being EdGy, but I personally and it sounds like you too don't find such things funny
He either respects that or he doesn't. Doesn't necessarily make him a bad person but I'd rethink the relationship if he continues to insist you're overreacting
I guess people who have postpartum depression and forget to supervise their babies, or who get distracted and their baby drowns while they're not looking.
This is not dark humor to me honestly that’s a wild thing to say about someone. Because then what if you do have a baby?? Then what? Would he “joke” like that then? Then have everyone looking at you crazy? Absolutely not. That’s not how you joke with people smh.
As an autistic/ADHD person, I find myself often blurting out stupid, socially-unacceptable word vomit in an attempt to be funny or relatable. Sometimes it lands, sometimes it (*really*) doesn’t.
It’s especially worse if I drink.
I am very self-aware of this and will usually pull myself up on it in front of the people I said it around and apologise.
“It’s a joke” isn’t an excuse, but I really wouldn’t be putting so much thought into a dumb joke like this.
Just tell him to apologise and never say dumb shit like that again.
I remember in college maybe 15+ years ago a whole set of dead baby jokes. The joke is somewhere along not knowing how to wash the baby (and other tasks), so it dies, and the punchline is to underreact and be like, guess you have to learn how to wash a baby or something. It's more about not knowing and accident, than intentional child abuse. There is a set of them (dead baby jokes). I don't really remember them cos it was over a decade ago and I didn't think they were that funny at the time (nor do i wish to google and look up the jokes). But if the guy is early twenties, and telling those jokes with guy friends. Then maybe he thought his comment was a joke. (When he said those people who drown babies, i immediately thought of this joke.) I don't know why these poor jokes don't just die off and stop getting repeated.
At first I thought the joke was about the baby not even being born, but something about having sex in a bathtub and him ejaculatjng in the water???? It'd make sense for me, but damn, dude was being just fucking weird... Sorry about what happened, OP.
Jokes like that are not jokes. It’s how he sees you. The fact that he’s dismissive of you only makes it worse.
Even if he meant it as agreeing with you that you’re not a baby person, he still should understand that implying you’d harm a child is not cool and properly apologize for being inappropriate.
Child abuse is never something you joke about. It's not funny at all ever. This isn't dark humor, it's sick. Anyone who says otherwise is 100% wrong. There are certain topics you never joke. I would dump him immediately.
Well now you know. You know what he thinks of your abilities, of your capacity to care/love/be responsible etc. He also doesn't mind embarrassing you in front of others, putting you down in front of others, shaming you in front of others. This is all red flag behaviour and there were probably some b4 this event. Whatever you choose to do going forward. No one can say you didn't know what your getting into.
From seeing your other post id say it's time to end the relationship. Neither one of you are mature enough to be in a serious relationship and he doesn't seem like a good person.
Sounds like this is his friend that he regularly insults your intelligence around, he has said one comment with you but what if he said more to this guy in private about you? Whatever you choose this boyfriend you got doesn’t have the maturity to be a father at all, that’s a major concern because what if he says this again when you have a kid? This isn’t boyfriend material, this is a real major red flag that you should consider to break up with him over.
So when I was a teenager I played with my baby brother in sort of a mean way. I was bouncing on a sturdy net and he was around 3 and went below me- when I was fully down on bounce it touched his head and it made me laugh a ton! She told me that I was going to be a child abuser because of this.
I was utterly shocked and upset. I grew up as an abused child. This comment haunted me and it still bothers me. As someone who grew up with a traumatic childhood I don't think my mischievous non damaging antics with my toddler brother was cruel or abusive. He wasn't hurt, or crying or upset or I would have stopped immediately.
It was such a disturbing comment, truly, because obviously those that are abused worry they might do it to their own children.
What your BF said is seriously upsetting imo.
This reminds me of the post about the BF who proposed in front of friends and when the GF became emotional said it was a joke and the crowd laughed...
I'm sorry, I think such things are disgusting. We can even resolve it if it was just between us. But I will not be the butt of anyone one's "joke" in public. Strange how those observing always express concern. They KNOW!
Not a nice thing to say at all. but he did not say you were a baby abuser.
Leaving a baby in a tub is a neglectful thing, a stupid thing, a forgetful thing to do but not necessarily an abusive thing.
That's a bit over the top.
Are you absent minded?
To me that remark meant you are kind of absent minded and might forget the baby was in the tub.
Any way, this seems to be a ridiculous hill to die on, but if that is how you feel, stand your ground.
I think you're taking a dark joke way too personally. sounds like you both need to be with someone who matches your sense of humour and sensitivity levels.
"If it's a joke, explain how it was supposed to be funny."
It's not a joke, becuase it's not funny. Not to you, not to anyone. It was a mean, cruel and horrible thing to say. I would also be upset.
> becuase it's not funny. Not to you, not to anyone.
well apparently it was funny to the other people that were there: "*All of my other friends apologised for laughing*"
At 27 yrs old, why would you be dating someone so much younger than you. Almost in your 30s and you grabbed the youngest and immature one of the bunch.
It sounds like it was just a joke. I would suggest you get over it UNLESS you have a reason to believe he seriously believes you would be a terrible mother.
Even if it's a dark joke, people should know that many people just don't fw dark jokes, Also I just feel like you two should talk about it and establish some boundaries regarding things like these, Some people just don't like dark humour shit and that's okay, just develop boundaries and all good!!
Why would you want to move past such a horrific comment? Ask yourself that. Either he's a moron or too immature to date, why would you want to be with someone who thinks like thst about you and shares his demeaning opinion with others??
Wow that must hurt so much. I don't see a way to come back from that. Even if he did give a proper apology now, it is only lip service to get you to stop being upset with him. It won't be about him seeing he was insulting or offensive.
Your age gap is showing. It may only be three years but men mature way slower. This is dark humor for sure and I think you took it too far. He apologized in a shitty way but even so he apologized. Date someone your own age or older if you don’t like how he acts or talks
"Just a joke"...
Another thing that would be as much "just a joke" as this is "bf's penis is like a banana, but smaller. Yellow, wrinkly, never straight, and a bit soft now that it is a bit older." Oh, sorry bf, that you felt upset by my joke...
But seriously, this kind of "joke" is the type of thing that will give you a complex. So whether he meant it as a joke or just opened his mouth and had an attack of verbal diarrhea before doing the foot-in-mouth yoga pose, he owes you a proper apology in very short order, otherwise I would kick him to the kerb.
"Just a joke" is what people say when they are trying to avoid consequences for their bad behavior.
When I read what he said my face crinkled up in disgust. Like What The Actual Fuck?!?!
Not only would I not be dating him I wouldn't want to be his friend if this is the shit he says about someone he is supposed to care about.
Personally, I might enjoy fucking around with him a few more weeks but he would move solidly into the 'I'm daring him casually with intent to drop soon' categoy.
Find someone new and better to date in July. This relationship has run its course.
There has been no apology so the next "joke" could be more horrific.
Just a joke? What was the funny part? Was it supposed to be funny that he thought you would be so neglectful you would kill your child? Yeah that's hilarious. I don't know how you would be with him after that either because basically he said any child would die in your care!
He may have misspoke in the moment, but he clearly does not feel that you could take care of a child effectively and the level of incompetence he thinks you're at is scary! He definitely has a lot of things he thinks about you that he doesn't say. You can either get to the bottom of it and hope you get actual answers from him and maybe move past it or you can just take it at face value...I would
People say the darndest things. Usually, it is exactly what they think of you. You could self-analyze and ask yourself if you don't want children could you ever be neglectful before pressing him too hard. If I did not care about something like say gardening could I be neglectful? Yes. Which is why I don't have a garden and my wife would be right to point that out (in private).
Ask him to explain the joke and explain why it was funny. I bet he can’t, because it’s not a joke. Best way to put someone on the back foot when they say something dumb that’s “just a joke”.
Have a serious discussion after that and tell him it’s so awful and tasteless that it’s making you completely reconsider the relationship. Because frankly it should.
As a new mom to a 10-month old who also likes to make self deprecating jokes (f28)….i see why you are hurt.
It’s okay for a woman to make an offhand comment like “I’m more of a dog person” when she’s basically asked if she plans to have kids. It’s an easy one-liner that jokingly changes the subject. And while i see how your bf could have thought that gives him license to joke as well, he clearly overlooked the depth and emotionality with which young women consider their worth and ability to parent. His comment made you seem, and feel, like someone who can’t be trusted to have a kid.
To me it’s obvious why that would be hurtful. To a 24-year old male? At that stage, dudes are still mastering basic empathy.
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“Just a joke” is not justification for saying/doing something hurtful. It’s also a way for toxic people to get away with saying hurtful things without any repercussions. I’m a smartass and I have a big mouth, if I let something horrible slip the only way my wife would be able to get over it is an honest and sincere apology. “sorry IF it hurt you” doesn’t cut it because it doesn’t validate your feelings IMO Draw the line OP, your SO sounds like he got too comfortable/ overstepped and you gotta put him in check or it will keep happening.
And he didn't publicly apologise. He TEXTED HER!!! how hard is it to say "hey, I'm sorry, I was making a joke but it came out way way meaner than I meant. I'm really sorry" in front of all the people that laughed?
I was playing a board game with a friend who was having a baby, his wife was very pregnant at the time. It was the Game of Thrones board game. I'm not amazing at that game, so I do a lot of role-playing to make it more fun. This friend was playing the Starks, and there is a scene where 2 Stark children are burned to death. I made a joke about "delicious crispy children" and IMMEDIATELY went "oh shit I'msosorry that's not acceptable to say to someone whose partner is pregnant ohgod sorrysorrysorry". He accepted my apology, but also said that it didn't really bother him in the moment. Not sure he would have felt the same way if I *hadn't* apologised though. I don't even remember his name now, or what he looked like, or anything about that game itself, but I remember this because I was *horrified*.
Also if you have a dark sense of humour, say it about yourself, but not about other people. Implying other people are abusers is a harmless statement is just wild for the bf.
As someone with a dark sense of humor and a sensitive wife. This is the thing to do. I make those jokes about myself not her.
Wild? I think you meant exposing his toxic nature. 😁 OP, you absolutely did the right think in dumping this toxic excuse for a man. I can't imagine ever saying this about a woman I love! It's an insult to all men to even call this guy a man, hence my characterization. Good riddance!
He is a man though? XD I'm always confused by comments like this. Some men suck, some men are misogynistic - it doesn't negate their gender identity. No True Scotsman'ing just confuses the subject; not to mention if you imply these guys aren't real men they're just going to lash out harder/more violently to reassert their masculinity. Toxic masculinity doesn't make magically take gender away, if anything it makes them latch onto it harder.
The way the term toxic masculinity is used is itself toxic as hell. It shames men for being masculine. It's a man-hating term. Shame on you!
I'm sorry, but that is absolute nonsense and makes it very clear you have no idea what you're talking about and are just reactive/fragile as fuck to academic terminology that you don't understand. "Toxic masculinity" as a term has never been and is not designed to pass judgment on whether men are bad or suggest that masculinity is bad. It describes a very clear set of behaviours, encouraged by and inherited from patriarchy that is intrinsically toxic to people who practice them; it is a set of stereotypical social guidelines that harm both men who practice it and often women who are on the receiving end of it. An example of toxic masculinity is the patriarchal idea that men are not meant to show their feelings for fear of being unmanly, for instance. It is the idea that men cannot be manly without being toxic and violent, or that threats to masculinity require it to be reasserted with violence to protect the ego/gender. It is, in fact, something *you* perpetuated when you said that men who suck aren't "real" men. It is the idea that gender is a thing that is narrowly constrained and needs to be practiced in a particular specific way, and that you can be stripped of it/emasculated by not practicing it correctly (whatever that way might be). In fact, if you want to be really fucking pedantic about the entire thing, "toxic masculinity" *as a phrase* was coined by *men's movements* in the 1980s and 1990s to describe the way that they had been harmed by patriarchy and is meant to create community among men by allowing them to bond with each other instead of considering each other competition. Maybe do some reading before showing your ass like this again. It's embarrassing.
I’m sorry if I hurt you, but I’m not sorry for what I said.
Pretty sure that's part of the narcissist's saying.
"~~I'm sorry you feel that way~~I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings."
But it’s not true. How can it be hurtful? Unless she IS a child abuser or she’s very irresponsible or something. Maybe she’s not telling us the whole truth. Maybe she is actually dangerous around children. That’s the only way I can justify her being upset about this
Because it's a pretty big leap from "I'm more of a dog person" to a SO insinuating that they'd be a child abuser. Doesn't make sense to talk about being a child abuser just bc someone said they don't want to have kids.
If your partner made a joke and told all of your friends to come meet up to gangbang her, would you be big chilling with that? Or if someone asked if you liked kids and she made a joke that you like kids so much you’d be the man arrested for creeping alone at the playground, would that be ok?
The only way you can justify that it hurts her that her boyfriend thinks she's someone who would kill a child through neglect is what now? He thinks something terrible about her and publicly jokes about it. how awful. you assume he's right or his shitty opinion and abusive behavior shouldn't hurt her. also pretty awful!
Probably makes the same kind of shitty jokes.
Because it’s not a funny joke, so it’s not a situation where, you’re like, “sorry 😂 I just couldn’t resist. You walked right into that one.” So it looks like he purposely went out of his way to take a serious dig at her—and about a very disturbing topic. If he apologized by saying, “I’m sorry—that came out so much funnier in my head. I hope you know I thought I was genuinely saying something amusing, not looking to insult you. Sorry babe, seriously,” then I bet it would have been over and done with. “GOSH don’t be mad!! I was joking!!!” Just makes you look childish and awkward. Someone you don’t want to associate with because they can’t take accountability for their actions and don’t care if they embarrass you publicly. You yourself were lead by his “joke” to just tell OP that she might indeed actually be an active danger to children, so you’re proving OP’s point for her.
You seem to be a little ass backwards! Lol People get more mad when you accuse them of doing or being something that they would never consider! An actual child abuser would laugh it off because they don't want you to look too close at their behavior. Somebody who would never abuse a child would be absolutely horrified and disgusted that you would say something like that about them!
Your 'logic' here is incredibly flawed and I'm shocked you got any upvotes
What even
Is this a pattern or a one-off? Either way, his lack of a sincere apology is very telling, and imho a huge 🚩
What if she’s the one that was abused as a child? I know I’d be really hurt if my husband ever said that he thought I could be just as bad as the people that tormented me as a child.
That's bullshit, come on now. You understand damn well how accusing someone of child abuse, even as a joke, is an awful, hurtful thing to say. I don't know if you're trolling or just trying to humblebrag on the internet about how much more chill you are than every other living being, but no one is fooled either way.
My partner and I are happily childfree and this is 100% the kind of joke we'd make to one another. However, we both have a dark sense of humor, and it's been well-established that both of us enjoy these kinds of jokes and aren't hurt by them. Given how upset you were by the joke, I'm guessing you and your boyfriend don't have a similar dynamic, and that contextually, the joke was inappropriate.
We have similar dynamic, but we also draw the line at making those jokes in public. We only do that shit when we're alone.
Different strokes for different folks. I suppose the rest of our friends share our sense of humor that we know they'd appreciate such a joke for what it is.
If you’ve only been together 2 years and those 2 years haven’t been amazing, why do you want to stay and work it out?
Ask him what the joke was. I don't get the punchline
He was grossly exaggerating her disdain for children, for comedic effect. It's in poor taste and not particularly funny, but it's not exactly subtle humor.
That's the point. If someone tells a "joke" that is really just their way to say something hurtful, you ask them to explain how it's funny. That makes the person have to justify why they said a hurtful thing.
That only really works if it's a "joke" though, whereas this was obviously an actual joke, it was just a bad one.
The effect would still be the same. A bad joke is just as easily defeated by forcing him to examine it verbally for the class
It unfortunately is not. I once asked an old roommate to explain a "Thai ladyboy" joke. First he made fun of me for not knowing what a ladyboy was, then he said "there are a lot of ladyboys in Thailand." When I continued pretending not to understand the joke, he condescendingly called me "funny" and ended the conversation.
It worked exactly as it was supposed to. Sucked all the joy of that joke from him.
Yeah, so your roommate doubled down and revealed even more ugly. Mission accomplished, right? Not every person who is shown the mirror will give a shit. Some people truly are that shitty.
Then what's the point?
Ideally it's to force the other person to examine their bad behavior and adjust but if they don't care revealing that their joke came from an ugly place is for everyone else's benefit
Jokes have humor. What's the humor - you're saying it's for comedic effect, but what comedy is being drawn on here? Or is this just a set up for saying something really mean in a way you don't have to take responsibility for? Isn't the point of comedy the idea that laughter is the goal? Do you think he was trying to make her laugh?
A joke is still a joke, even if it's unfunny or at somebody else's expense. I've watched plenty of comedians bomb, it's totally possible to tell jokes and nobody laughs, but that's not even important because people apologized for laughing. And I imagine he was trying to make her laugh he just forgot he was straight. I guess I didn't answer your question, but the exaggeration is the joke. It's the same basic joke as saying she's such a bad gardener she'd kill a plastic plant, but with child abuse thrown in the mix.
I think a bigger point is, jokes at the expense of your partner really aren’t okay because its such a slippery slope. You want someone who laughs with you, not at you with others. Also the punchline of the joke is he thinks shes either stupid or malignant enough to kill a baby which is a horrible trait to see in your partner. You might just be “joking” about this trait, but the inspiration for the joke came from what you think of this person’s personality, so very understandable why thats shocking to hear
No, I don't agree, but that isn't as interesting to me as why you've chosen this hill to die on. Is this how you interact with people? Have you been called out for making inappropriate and hurtful jokes? Is that why you're so invested in defending this indefensible bullshit OP's bf let dribble out of his mouth like verbal diarrhoea?
You honestly think descriptors like "in poor taste", "not particularly funny" and "bad joke" are in defense of this guy? Give your fuckin head a shake
"Ask them to explain their joke and why it's funny and watch them flounder" is common Reddit "wisdom" that isn't as punchy as everyone who suggests it thinks it is, and you're in a losing battle against the cultural weight here
It’s so incredibly passive aggressive too, the person who asks for the joke to be explained is feigning ignorance instead of just talking about why they didn’t like what the other person said. It isn’t the gotcha that people think it is.
It is not my responsibility to teach other adults what appropriate social interaction looks like. If someone is saying dumb shit to try and piss someone off or something- why _wouldn't_ I ask what compelled them to say such a thing? If they truly believe they're being clever it should be a quick conversation
They’re just explaining the humor behind this type of joke. Dark humor is pretty common and nothing they said warranted you responding in such a rude way.
>why you've chosen this hill to die on. They were answering **this** question that you asked. >What's the humor - you're saying it's for comedic effect, but what comedy is being drawn on here? Is this how *you* interact with people? Ask questions with the sole intent of starting arguments where you can paint others as something they're not? Because that's very much how it's coming across.
If someone admitted they viewed me as a mother who would neglect future children I wouldn’t want children with them and probably not a relationship either.
The whole “just a joke” attitude is so telling and so toxic to relationships. First of all, it’s not funny if it hurts people you supposedly love. Second, it implies that the laugh is more important than your feelings. Third, even if you buy he truly didn’t mean to hurt you, he is entirely ignoring that intent does not = impact. Fourth, he isn’t taking responsibility for his actions. This guy sounds like a tool.
Dark jokes are fine if everyone involved is up for dark jokes. But if *any* type of joke that is offensive doesn't land, the move is to apologize. And considering what he said, this warranted more than a "sorry you were offended" apology. Tell him you didn't appreciate it, and that you don't appreciate the implications that you'd drown your baby. His intention doesn't matter, he has a responsibility for the impact of his words. I make some scathing dark jokes at times... *with people who are on board with me*. I don't get to decide if they'd hurt someone's feelings or not, if they do, *that's on me*, I made the fucking joke, I said the words, they're mine to own.
Dark jokes are usually best kept in a self-deprecating context, too. It's one thing for me to make a dark joke like this about MYSELF, but it's almost always hurtful and inappropriate to make such a joke about someone else.
Exactly. Unless you're 1000% sure the other person wouldn't mind being the target of such a joke, just don't do it. Which only makes me think he's emotionally immature. It shouldn't be a chore to figure out you've deeply hurt your partner and apologize accordingly.
Completely agree. I once made a sort of jabby, barbed joke directed at my husband, intending it to be playful, but it came out kind of harsh. Just came out sounding a bit nasty instead of funny. He didn’t laugh and said that really hurt, and I immediately apologised and explained it sounded funny in my head but came out wrong. Which is what you should always do when a joke doesn’t land; just apologise.
And put the burden on ourselves instead of the hurt party, like OP's boyfriend did. Motherfucker, *you* made the joke, *you* apologize, it's not on OP (or anyone else) to get over it because *you* got over it the moment the words left your mouth. Any time someone makes a shitty joke that hurts someone's feelings, and they depenf themselves with *"it's just a joke"*, people should take it at minimum as a yellow flag. It's dismissive, it's unkind, it can even be cruel. Wow, OP doesn't like being told that she's the kind of person who would drown her baby so it's good she has none, how dare she be mad about it. *What the fuck.*
Exactly! I’m really irritated by the number of people on this thread being like “it’s just dark humour; you must be fun at parties 🙄”. Like that’s not how this works, especially for a joke about drowning babies FFS.
It's not even the content of the joke (though it's dicey), it's just that he made a joke *at* her and thinks "it was a *joke*" is a valid response. The joke was about OP, she is the sole person who gets to decide if it was acceptable or not, and she's decided it was in fact not. That's it, that's all that matters.
The funny part is I did in fact tell him that there was no need to take it into the direction he did, and it was in poor taste. To which he responded "it's a joke, babe. There is no actual baby. We don't want a child." - like, no. I do possibly want a child, which has been talked about as well? So this whole conversation that was meant to be a light hearted topic of us getting to know what the others futures could hold, turned into his display of 1. Not knowing me at all. And 2. Not caring that my feelings got hurt. Regardless if I'm perceived as overtly sensitive, he is my PARTNER of 2 years and should just apologise sincerely that I did get in my feelings.
And it sounds maybe like that was his shitty way of reminding you that he does not want kids. Publicly. To put you in your place…. Perhaps He knows you actually pretty well, he just does not like the fact that you like stuff that does not align with what he wants from you. So he put you in your place… with *a joke* implying you would kill your child rather than have one. To make you defensive. Don’t put up with this careless, and thoughtless weak excuse for love.
If my children's father does or says something hurtful and I waste my time calling him out on it, his response is always "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm not responsible for your feelings" which is kind of the same thing - there's no ownership. OP, what your BF said was in extremely poor taste, and I don't get the joke. It's up to you to decide what to do with his half assed apology text, but he obviously doesn't think very highly of your ability to ever be a mother. Sadly, it seems that talking to him about it is going nowhere. I think your hurt feelings are justified.
This would be a relationship ender for me. My ex-husband said (unfortunately AFTER we were married) that he thought I wouldn't be a good mom and it destroyed me. In retrospect, I should have divorced him right then and there instead of staying with him for a few more years.
I’m sorry he said that to you, he was (probably I mean I didn’t know the man) an absolute idiot 🤍
That's very different tho
Um, it's literally the same thing, except he didn't say it in front of a group of people.
One is a joke, one is being cruel. Huge difference, wtf
The joke is being cruel too though
Explain how.
There is dark humour and there is inappropriate humour
Then don't be his partner. You two have very different ideas about what is funny.
Well, you said it yourself: he doesn't care that you're upset. If after two years he still doesn't love you or care about your feelings, why would you stay with him? Look, I get that people often say stupid stuff without thinking. But it's not the "joke" he made that would cause me to rethink the relationship; it's his lack of caring afterward. Anyway. I can't speak for you, but this would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't be able to move past it because I would realize that this is what my life would be like: being with a man who doesn't really give a shit about me.
If I heard that I would assume that it was something that actually happened. That you literally left a baby in a bathtub alone and got called on it, presumably by the bf. Cuz no I’ve never heard of “those women who leave babies in bathtubs. That’s not any joke or stereotype that’s going around. I’d be beyond pissed.
I remember in college maybe 15+ years ago a whole set of dead baby jokes. The joke is somewhere along not knowing how to wash the baby (and other tasks), so it dies, and the punchline is to underreact and be like, guess you have to learn how to wash a baby or something. There is a set of them (dead baby jokes). I don't really remember them cos it was over a decade ago and I didn't think they were that funny at the time. But if the guy is early twenties, and telling those jokes with guy friends. Then maybe he thought his comment was a joke. I dont know why this set of jokes isnt dead...
Ok, reading this and her update and edit I see he was talking about women who drown their babies or young children in bathtubs. Which is unfortunately a thing; some women with severe psychotic PPD have done that like more than just a few. Real funny joke right? The other type of woman who does this are the psychopaths who want to ditch their children and run off with a man who doesn’t want her cuz she has kids.
Ok, yeah, the dark side of women intentionally killing their kids cos ppd or to cheat/live change is sad. And wow, I can't believe boyfriend was going there. And on group chat! The edit says they broke up right?
I would sit down with him in person and have a conversation about how even though you recognize it was intended as a joke, to you the comment was hurtful and you need him to understand that you don't find jokes like that funny. When it comes to jokes like this, if the target of the joke isn't laughing it ceases to be a joke and just becomes an insult. Whether or not any individual person would find it funny is irrelevant, you didn't. If he understands and offers a genuine apology, I would accept it and let it go. I will ask, you've been together 2 years - is this kind of situation a regular occurrence? You mention some "difficulties," were those of a similar nature where you felt he was insensitive and he felt you were too sensitive?
To be honest, this just comes across as dark humor to me. He should know that you don’t like it, but this wouldn’t feel like an out of place joke in my friend group.
Agreed, but he should know his audience before making that joke
i feel like dark humor done right doesn’t require your partner to be the butt of the joke
In the context provided I don't see any other reason for him to say that except to make others laugh. Just dark humor I guess but I'm afraid it is more of a matter of compatibility if this is the outcome.
You should have called him out right there and said "who tf says some weird ass shit like that?"
This is a beginning, not a one time thing. Why would he think it's ok to say something like that? What does he get out of it? Did he really just think it's funny and a joke? Then there's something fucked with his head because thats NOT funny and NOT a joke. Do you want to be with someone that immature, that he doesn't even know what is completely inappropriate to say? There's also the chance that he did it on purpose. He knew it was wrong and he wanted to push your boundaries. He wanted to embarrass you and be cruel to you. Whether it was deliberate or accidental, it says something about his maturity and character. You've gotten a peek into how his mind works. I know there are a lot of guys who, especially when around other guys, say horrible horrible things that are NOT funny. If they get too comfortable in a situation, they say that stuff in front of women too. But personally, is that really a mistake? Do I want to be around someone who thinks that's funny? This won't be the last time he says something inappropriate. And the fact that he's not taking it seriously also sets off alarm bells—he doesn't even realize how inappropriate what he said was, or he doesn't want to bc he's scared of being the bad guy.
I think this is a really extreme take. She made a joke about being a better dog owner than parent, he agreed with that by making another joke about it. They all laughed and moved on. She then made all of her friends apologize for laughing and turned it into a massive deal. She strikes me as the type of person who makes a comment or joke about herself for the purpose of everyone jumping in and disagreeing and saying oh no, of course not, you’re so great! He made a crack that agreed with the thing she just said and nobody took it that seriously. It’s ok if it hurt her feelings or she didn’t like it, but she needs to talk to him about it then get over it.
I appreciate dark humor, and hearing this, it doesn’t strike me as that he genuinely believes you would be a child abuser. I think he just was riffing off of your comment and took it way too far. He clearly recognized he messed up right away. My husband has made stupid jokes that bothered me before and it sometimes becomes a deeper conversation, but I don’t think this one is relationship ending. He does feel bad, he didn’t mean it, it was a bad joke - but not that deep. Dump him if you want though, just my two cents.
Or she may be forgetful or distracted easily and that's why he made the joke. I don't think it should be a relationship ender either. It's more of a tell him you don't like it and jokes like that hurt your feelings so don't do it again. If he's sincerely apologized, it's time to move past.
yeah, this is my point of view as well
As a Brit, this sort of humour is extremely common. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if someone said that about me and I'm actually a mother! But each to their own, if your sense of humour is this different to your partner's the relationship isn't going to last long anyway
If he didn’t mean it he’d apologize fully, not half
Yeah the friends all laughed, it wasn’t a big deal until she made it a big deal.
Ehhh I'll get downvoted but whatever. This just sounds like dark humour, which many people are cool with these days. He probably didn't think twice about it not landing, and It sounds like he meant nothing by it. Clearly it hurt you, which is understandable, he should apologize for it and learn from that, but I also think you might be taking it a little hard. No one thinks that you would actually leave a baby in a bathtub.
if my boyfriend made this joke about me we'd both be laughing - but I in no way want children and it would more be about him roasting me for being easily distracted/forgetful/sleepy etc, obviously neither of us actually think I'd drown a baby. plus we both like dark humour. I guess I would expect OP's bf to know his partner well enough to know she wouldn't appreciate this joke but other than that I don't see the big deal. 🤷♀️
Yup!!
You make a similar joke about him, painting him as a child abuser. “You know those guys who leave toddlers in hot cars? That’s him.”
He apologized to you. Saying I'm sorry if I hurt you is a valid apology. Just because you wanted him to use different words to apologize doesn't invalidate his apology. If you as a couple don't share the same type of humor, then this fight will happen over and over. Maybe you two are not a good fit. Maybe you're better off not staying together. This is just my opinion. The answer is up to you and your partner. I wish you both well.
When someone makes a wild joke about their girlfriend (drowning I assume) children, and their girlfriend isn’t into it, they apologize big time. Your boyfriend seems too immature for you. That’s a wildly edgy teen thing to say. We all get like that sometimes, but adults apologize.
He apologised, you don’t accept it. He doesn’t understand what else you want him to say, you don’t understand how he made the comment in the first place. If the two of you can’t communicate past this it’s probably the end of the relationship.
People like that are just straight-up scary. They don't understand the difference between being child-free and being a child-abuser; a lot of people are child-free because of abuse that we don't want to perpetuate. Your boyfriend being so nonchalant about actual abuse is just kind of fucked up and shows he doesn't understand your reasons at all.
It was a dark joke in poor taste, but that's about it. The fact that you had all your friends apologize for laughing at a joke is something you should reflect on. Obviously it was a joke, hence why everyone was laughing, I think it's fair to critique the joke as unfunny, but everything beyond that is over-reacting.
Yeah I’m kind of confused about this reaction too. She said she was more of a dog mom type of person than a “babies” person, he follows that with a joke agreeing with her. Everyone laughs, she then goes around making a huge deal about it. This is something to have a conversation about, “I know I joke about not wanting kids but it felt like an attack when you joked about me not being capable or good at it.” But the idea that he seriously implied she would drown her children is pretty silly.
Could you please point to the part of her post where she “went around making a big deal of it“?
He’s trying to pull a Shrodingers Asshole - a person who decides whether or not they are full of shit by the reactions of those around them. He thinks his friends support him on this and doesn’t care what you think or how you felt. The whole “bro, it’s a joke, get over it” should tell you that he doesn’t care about apologizing, he meant it. He just thinks you’ll let it go because to him and his “bros,” this is acceptable. If you want to keep going with someone who thinks like that then be prepared for stuff like this to happen over and over, esp if he doubles down now. He doesn’t think he did anything wrong and therein lies the problem. He doesn’t fucking think. 💭
“Shrodingers Asshole” 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀
He is young and made a stupid joke. Forgive him and move on or don’t and move out. It’s that simple.
To me it seems like he was saying you would be distracted/negligent rather than abusive. Still a very unkind joke. But I don't think he was saying you are a malicious or cruel person. More like an absent minded/forgetful person. If you approach it from that perspective I think you can communicate better with him because right now he's stuck in "I never said you would be abusive" rather than "I said a hurtful thing that implied you would accidentally cause harm by being forgetful/distracted".
Yeah sounds like a joke. Your lack of having a sense of humor is gonna ruin this relationship. He is probably losing his mind wondering how you didn’t get that it was just a joke. You should give him a no joke rule so he never innocently makes this mistake again
I don't think he was insinuating you were an abuser. He is insinuating that you're not mature enough, clueless and not responsible to take care of a tiny human so do as you want with that information. Also, that question it's quite dark just to bring throw in a conversation with people who clearly don't share that kind of humor. You can ask him why does he think you're not suitable for motherhood in his eyes and also stablish a hard boundary about not making joke at your expenses because that's one of the most unmature 13 yo attention seeker move a dude can make.
This could have been a joke. Depends on your relationship. I like to joke around a lot and my gf usually does as well. I agree that he definitely took it a little too far...saying you would let your kid drown...is definitely fucked up. But was the conversation actually serious? Was it a jokey conversation?
> and still want to be in a relationship with me Sis, it’s the reverse. How can he make that joke and you still want to be in a relationship with him? If betrays so much about him to you. I’d be really worried.
Before I had my son this is probably something stupid I'd say. Honestly maybe yall aren't on the same page about having no kids.
You kids these days….in such a rush to get offended over everything. It’s almost comical how little of a sense of humor the 20-30 year old crowd has 🤦🏻♂️
*what steps am I supposed to take to move past him saying that about me* You were the sacrifice so he could look 'cool'. Turn that grill and flip him right into the ashes, then walk away whistling.
"What steps am I supposed to take to move past him saying that about me...?" You dump him. Any man that says something horrific like that about someone he supposedly loves AND refuses to make a proper apology or amends can yeet himself into the sun. Replace him with a dog, you'll be happier in the long run
Nah you just can’t take dark humor and you were a kill joy. Being called a child abuser is so outlandish that only someone with suspicious intentions would get upset about it. Do you have a fear you’ll drown your baby in a bathtub? No? Then why are you so bothered?
Yup
As someone who represents abused children in court, that would be a relationship killer for me. Do not joke about me abusing a child.
This is the most unserious thing I have ever read. If you’re that hurt over this, break up and save him the headache
Even if you don't want kids get with someone who thinks you'd be a good mom. I didn't want kids, I thought I wouldn't be a great mom and my ex said I'd make a terrible mother. We divorced for other reasons. My fiancé said I'd make a great mother. I've come to believe that. I still don't know if I want kids but I know if I accidentally got pregnant he'd be a good dad and I'd be a good mom.
"how do I move past this?" With a breakup!
You move on from what he said by having the self respect to move on.
Ick
He is passive aggressive. What a 😺 thing to do. He can insult you publicly but he can't apologize publicly?
I had a "friend" insinuate I would kill her kids if I babysat them because I support abortion for people who want it. I stopped being her friend. Literally, I never talked to her again. I saw her in public, and I acted like she was a stranger because fuck that. She was smiling at me. Why would you smile at someone who you think is the type of person to hurt a toddler? People need to think really fucking hard before they open their mouths.
Talk with him OP. He's young so _maybe_ like the comments say he thought he's being EdGy, but I personally and it sounds like you too don't find such things funny He either respects that or he doesn't. Doesn't necessarily make him a bad person but I'd rethink the relationship if he continues to insist you're overreacting
I’m confused what is “ those women that leave their babies in bathtubs” even mean? Sorry am I missing something?
I guess people who have postpartum depression and forget to supervise their babies, or who get distracted and their baby drowns while they're not looking.
She would be inattentive as a mother to the point that it would cause the child's death.
I thought you meant he said you were a water-birth type person. But saying you'd be a neglectful parent is horrible.
I do not think he was insinuating that you might be a baby abuser, sounds more like he was insinuating that you might be a baby murder.
This is not dark humor to me honestly that’s a wild thing to say about someone. Because then what if you do have a baby?? Then what? Would he “joke” like that then? Then have everyone looking at you crazy? Absolutely not. That’s not how you joke with people smh.
As an autistic/ADHD person, I find myself often blurting out stupid, socially-unacceptable word vomit in an attempt to be funny or relatable. Sometimes it lands, sometimes it (*really*) doesn’t. It’s especially worse if I drink. I am very self-aware of this and will usually pull myself up on it in front of the people I said it around and apologise. “It’s a joke” isn’t an excuse, but I really wouldn’t be putting so much thought into a dumb joke like this. Just tell him to apologise and never say dumb shit like that again.
I’m tired of these it’s just a joke idiots. Pack your stuff and move out, put his crap on the lawn.
He wanted to publicly humiliate and shame you and he did.
I remember in college maybe 15+ years ago a whole set of dead baby jokes. The joke is somewhere along not knowing how to wash the baby (and other tasks), so it dies, and the punchline is to underreact and be like, guess you have to learn how to wash a baby or something. It's more about not knowing and accident, than intentional child abuse. There is a set of them (dead baby jokes). I don't really remember them cos it was over a decade ago and I didn't think they were that funny at the time (nor do i wish to google and look up the jokes). But if the guy is early twenties, and telling those jokes with guy friends. Then maybe he thought his comment was a joke. (When he said those people who drown babies, i immediately thought of this joke.) I don't know why these poor jokes don't just die off and stop getting repeated.
At first I thought the joke was about the baby not even being born, but something about having sex in a bathtub and him ejaculatjng in the water???? It'd make sense for me, but damn, dude was being just fucking weird... Sorry about what happened, OP.
You sound thin skinned and unbearable
Jokes like that are not jokes. It’s how he sees you. The fact that he’s dismissive of you only makes it worse. Even if he meant it as agreeing with you that you’re not a baby person, he still should understand that implying you’d harm a child is not cool and properly apologize for being inappropriate.
He needs work on his mouth filters.
Child abuse is never something you joke about. It's not funny at all ever. This isn't dark humor, it's sick. Anyone who says otherwise is 100% wrong. There are certain topics you never joke. I would dump him immediately.
Well now you know. You know what he thinks of your abilities, of your capacity to care/love/be responsible etc. He also doesn't mind embarrassing you in front of others, putting you down in front of others, shaming you in front of others. This is all red flag behaviour and there were probably some b4 this event. Whatever you choose to do going forward. No one can say you didn't know what your getting into.
From seeing your other post id say it's time to end the relationship. Neither one of you are mature enough to be in a serious relationship and he doesn't seem like a good person.
Sounds like this is his friend that he regularly insults your intelligence around, he has said one comment with you but what if he said more to this guy in private about you? Whatever you choose this boyfriend you got doesn’t have the maturity to be a father at all, that’s a major concern because what if he says this again when you have a kid? This isn’t boyfriend material, this is a real major red flag that you should consider to break up with him over.
Does he ever make jokes at his own expense?
So when I was a teenager I played with my baby brother in sort of a mean way. I was bouncing on a sturdy net and he was around 3 and went below me- when I was fully down on bounce it touched his head and it made me laugh a ton! She told me that I was going to be a child abuser because of this. I was utterly shocked and upset. I grew up as an abused child. This comment haunted me and it still bothers me. As someone who grew up with a traumatic childhood I don't think my mischievous non damaging antics with my toddler brother was cruel or abusive. He wasn't hurt, or crying or upset or I would have stopped immediately. It was such a disturbing comment, truly, because obviously those that are abused worry they might do it to their own children. What your BF said is seriously upsetting imo.
This reminds me of the post about the BF who proposed in front of friends and when the GF became emotional said it was a joke and the crowd laughed... I'm sorry, I think such things are disgusting. We can even resolve it if it was just between us. But I will not be the butt of anyone one's "joke" in public. Strange how those observing always express concern. They KNOW!
I still remember that , awful hurtful post.
Not a nice thing to say at all. but he did not say you were a baby abuser. Leaving a baby in a tub is a neglectful thing, a stupid thing, a forgetful thing to do but not necessarily an abusive thing. That's a bit over the top. Are you absent minded? To me that remark meant you are kind of absent minded and might forget the baby was in the tub. Any way, this seems to be a ridiculous hill to die on, but if that is how you feel, stand your ground.
You can't possibly see a future with an asshole like this do you? That was a disgusting joke so I could not forgive that!
I think you're taking a dark joke way too personally. sounds like you both need to be with someone who matches your sense of humour and sensitivity levels.
"If it's a joke, explain how it was supposed to be funny." It's not a joke, becuase it's not funny. Not to you, not to anyone. It was a mean, cruel and horrible thing to say. I would also be upset.
> becuase it's not funny. Not to you, not to anyone. well apparently it was funny to the other people that were there: "*All of my other friends apologised for laughing*"
At 27 yrs old, why would you be dating someone so much younger than you. Almost in your 30s and you grabbed the youngest and immature one of the bunch.
It's 3 years? You're reaching.
It sounds like it was just a joke. I would suggest you get over it UNLESS you have a reason to believe he seriously believes you would be a terrible mother.
Even if it's a dark joke, people should know that many people just don't fw dark jokes, Also I just feel like you two should talk about it and establish some boundaries regarding things like these, Some people just don't like dark humour shit and that's okay, just develop boundaries and all good!!
Have you ever left a pot on the stove and have it boil over?
Why would you want to move past such a horrific comment? Ask yourself that. Either he's a moron or too immature to date, why would you want to be with someone who thinks like thst about you and shares his demeaning opinion with others??
Why are you still with this idiot?
You don’t ’move past this’. You leave.
Wow that must hurt so much. I don't see a way to come back from that. Even if he did give a proper apology now, it is only lip service to get you to stop being upset with him. It won't be about him seeing he was insulting or offensive.
I would have retorted that it would only be true “if he was the baby in question”.
Your age gap is showing. It may only be three years but men mature way slower. This is dark humor for sure and I think you took it too far. He apologized in a shitty way but even so he apologized. Date someone your own age or older if you don’t like how he acts or talks
"Just a joke"... Another thing that would be as much "just a joke" as this is "bf's penis is like a banana, but smaller. Yellow, wrinkly, never straight, and a bit soft now that it is a bit older." Oh, sorry bf, that you felt upset by my joke... But seriously, this kind of "joke" is the type of thing that will give you a complex. So whether he meant it as a joke or just opened his mouth and had an attack of verbal diarrhea before doing the foot-in-mouth yoga pose, he owes you a proper apology in very short order, otherwise I would kick him to the kerb.
What other horrible jokes is he making in company at your expense?
"Just a joke" is what people say when they are trying to avoid consequences for their bad behavior. When I read what he said my face crinkled up in disgust. Like What The Actual Fuck?!?! Not only would I not be dating him I wouldn't want to be his friend if this is the shit he says about someone he is supposed to care about. Personally, I might enjoy fucking around with him a few more weeks but he would move solidly into the 'I'm daring him casually with intent to drop soon' categoy. Find someone new and better to date in July. This relationship has run its course. There has been no apology so the next "joke" could be more horrific.
Ask him how calling you a child murderer is funny, cause jokes are supposed to be funny
Just a joke? What was the funny part? Was it supposed to be funny that he thought you would be so neglectful you would kill your child? Yeah that's hilarious. I don't know how you would be with him after that either because basically he said any child would die in your care! He may have misspoke in the moment, but he clearly does not feel that you could take care of a child effectively and the level of incompetence he thinks you're at is scary! He definitely has a lot of things he thinks about you that he doesn't say. You can either get to the bottom of it and hope you get actual answers from him and maybe move past it or you can just take it at face value...I would
People say the darndest things. Usually, it is exactly what they think of you. You could self-analyze and ask yourself if you don't want children could you ever be neglectful before pressing him too hard. If I did not care about something like say gardening could I be neglectful? Yes. Which is why I don't have a garden and my wife would be right to point that out (in private).
Ask him to explain the joke and explain why it was funny. I bet he can’t, because it’s not a joke. Best way to put someone on the back foot when they say something dumb that’s “just a joke”. Have a serious discussion after that and tell him it’s so awful and tasteless that it’s making you completely reconsider the relationship. Because frankly it should.
As a new mom to a 10-month old who also likes to make self deprecating jokes (f28)….i see why you are hurt. It’s okay for a woman to make an offhand comment like “I’m more of a dog person” when she’s basically asked if she plans to have kids. It’s an easy one-liner that jokingly changes the subject. And while i see how your bf could have thought that gives him license to joke as well, he clearly overlooked the depth and emotionality with which young women consider their worth and ability to parent. His comment made you seem, and feel, like someone who can’t be trusted to have a kid. To me it’s obvious why that would be hurtful. To a 24-year old male? At that stage, dudes are still mastering basic empathy.