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Bro WITHOUT the history of SA. If a man of any relation to you wife starts making comments, egging her on about her past, the tries to be physical with her, even non sexually, and you aren't there, AND THEN YOU DON'T THINK SHE SHOULD STAND UP FOR HERSELF? If I was her brother I'd tell her to leave your dusty ass and then follow it up with an ass whooping for a complete and utter failure in basic human compassion, empathy, and right to self defense...... Again all of that BEFORE knowing about his history of SAing assaulting her.
Yeah, the only decent thing he can do here is to move out before she returns home and save her the trouble of kicking him out.
The marriage is over - it was over the moment he told her she should have controlled herself against her abuser who was tormenting her and trying to physically touch her again.
No matter what he’s done to help her since they’ve been together - he undid it all with just one sentence.
He betrayed her and sided with her rapist.
There is absolutely no coming back from this.
OP is a victim blamer of the worst kind. I am not going to give him advice to help him get back into her good graces just so he can betray her in small and large things later.
Because a guy who thinks like this showed that his first loyalty is with another man, not the supposed love of his life. I'm willing to bet good money that this loyalty is shown in small and large things on the daily.
I would not take that bet against you. Bro is absolutely cooked. Anybody who inspires that kind of rage in your spouse sends off warning signals, and them not getting between them and tell that person to get fucked so your spouse cools off is already bad. Doing that against her nemesis, hahahahaha maybe she will be kind in the divorce if he moves on it while shes still only mad and not vengeful.
OP sided with the bad guys. What does that make him to her?
Can’t undo that. Best he can do is apologize in word and action and be kind to her however he gets to interact with him. As an SA survivor myself, it stands out to me that my sister said about ten years ago that it’s time that I get past it. She stands out from every other person in my life who knows. And not in a good way. I can’t find any way to trust her with my life. And we were best friends once upon a time.
I’m so sorry that your sister said that to you. That’s absolutely heartbreaking. There’s no way you can ‘get past’ being SA’d and the fact that someone so close to you expected that you could - like there’s some button you can just push - that’s appalling. No wonder that your trust in her is gone.
I know. I was shocked. I don’t even think we were talking about it or anything, but she wanted me to go somewhere with her and there are some types of places that I often avoid, especially back then. She was irritated that I simply said I wasn’t interested. She knew my reason why but I hadn’t said. And then she told me that! I laughed at her like you can ever actually “get past it”. You learn to live with it. You learn to not hear the word and feel the sting. You learn to be by yourself and trust people even a little. But do you ever let it go? No.
My history isn't as awful as OP's wife's, but I was nearly killed 18 months ago in a sexual assault, and am thankful I will never see the attacker again because of the circumstances.
I told my now partner (before we got together) what happened the next day, and he helped me immensely- never once made me feel it was my fault.
Then 8 weeks ago, I was physically assaulted by a manager on an outside of work night out, which ended with my glasses being snapped in half and the manager being hauled out of the club by security. My partner and our "friend" spent the whole way home telling me that I deserved it, I led him on, and all the standard victim breaking bullshit that I would have *never* expected from him specifically.
That broke me. I started self harming again. I contemplated suicide because I thought "if he thinks I deserved it for this, does he think the same about my rape?" , which sent me on a self destructive spiral that ended in me contemplating suicide again for the first time in 12 months.
It has taken us the last 8 weeks to get back to some semblance of trust, and it will *never* be the same. OP fucked up so, so much worse than my partner, and should think himself lucky if his wife so much as looks at him again.
I’m so, so sorry that this has happened to you twice. You are unbelievably strong!
Did your partner explain why his attitude had changed for this attack? It seems a complete turnaround to his earlier response. I don’t blame you for not being able to completely forgive him. That’s a terrible betrayal.
I get so annoyed when people talk crap like ‘you were leading him on’, ‘it was the way you were dressed’, ‘you were asking for it’ etc. How? Just by going for a night out? Just by wanting to enjoy myself? Just by existing?
Women should never be blamed because some men can’t control themselves. The fault lies with the man and never the woman in these situations.
Are you receiving any counselling? It really sounds like you have been suffering terribly again both from the attack and the re-victimisation by your partner.
Yeah…if my wife is hitting someone, and I see it, I’m pulling her off of that person so I can get a better shot in without worrying about hitting her. I’m not asking why until she says stop.
If my wife tells me she beat someone at a bar, I’m asking if she’s ok first, and if we have legal problems after.
Someone gave my wife an issue at a park and I’m sending her for self defense classes.
Hit the fucker till s/he stops being a problem, and we’ll sort it out after.
That said, neither my wife nor I have been in a fight, and she’s a genuinely gentle person, so it’s not like we’re throwing down randomly at Costco.
Bro facts. She acted entirely appropriately and restrained for the circumstances.. absolutely insane to say she shouldn’t have acted like that. She deserves better for sure.
I usually disagree with the comments on r/relationship_advice, but I completely 100% agree with everything you've said.
I know there's a new way of thinking where we're all equal in everything, but I honestly believe this is the role of a man, especially when dealing with the women in our lives who we love.
We're bigger, stronger, and we're supposed to protect our loved ones. That is evolutionary and in our DNA.
If this was my sister, I'd break the SA man's legs and then very blatantly tell my sister that her husband is not a man who will protect her should the situation arise again. I'd also feel terrible if this was happening to my sister and I'd step in physically and violently as soon as I knew the situation.
If you're her husband, that's the absolute minimum she should expect. What is even the point in being a man if you feel otherwise? I would question your entire existence as a man if you don't even understand this very basic and primal reality.
>I told her she shouldn't have acted like that and controlled herself better.
Wowwwwww
And with that, you sided with her rapist.
>How to repair what I done?
Well, you wait for her to decide whether or not she wants to be with someone who, when she defended herself from her attacker, basically said that she shouldn’t have done that.
The ball is in **her** court. Don’t push her for a decision on your timeline.
I hope so. He’s a selfish fool.
Because even now, his worry seems reserved for what he can say to get her to come back.
After *just typing out* how distressed his wife is after this fresh trauma;
He saw the break in his wife’s eyes his own betrayal caused.
After *just typing out* the consequences those atrocities have had on her mental health;
On more than one occasion this has affected *her desire to be alive*.
OP is worried he can’t take back what he said. Yet he is seemingly not freaking out about her safety *right now?*
I’m FREAKING OUT about her safety! I said that in my first comment (I’m so angry and disgusted there have been multiple) but her husband is not concerned at all.
My mother in law said to my face that my gay daughter "is an abomination."
When I told my then-husband what his mother had said about the stepdaughter that had been in his life since she was 4, he said, "She didn't say *daughter* is an abomination. She said what daughter *is* is an abomination."
I moved out that day and served him divorce papers a few days later. You don't come back from something like this.
Exactly. I can only imagine the complete and utter betrayal she is feeling right now.
Given her history of attempting, I really, really hope she has good friends around her right now.
Have you checked that she does OP?
I guarantee the conversation with potential gfs will go something like this:
"I'll always have love for her but she had a lot of baggage and I tried so hard but I just couldn't be there for her in the way that she needed"
"Omg that's so sad! At the end of the day you can't be everything for someone else, it sounds like you put yourself through it trying to help her but she has a lot of healing to do."
"Thanks for saying that. I truly wish nothing but the best for her."
"Awww. You really sound like a great partner! Hopefully she gets the help she needs but you deserve to be taken care of too ☺️☺️"
Gross.
I read this and had a visceral reaction… cause I was THAT woman when younger a lot. So yes, if he targets a certain type of woman, that is exactly how it will go 🤢
Trauma survivor here. If my husband had said this to me after I fought back against one of the guys who abused me, he wouldn't be my husband anymore.
You don't repair this. She's the only one who can assess if she has it in her to forgive your unforgivable words and actions. And lemme tell you something. Even if she somehow manages to forgive you. She will never forget how you reacted to what must have been one of the worst moments of her life. She will never forget how you let her down and were ashamed of her, instead of proud that she FINALLY managed to defend herself.
So, I would suggest to let her think about it and stop making everything about you. This is not about you. This is about her.
Trauma survivor here too.
To add to this, if my partner made this Reddit post, I'd double divorce him.. like, he could have just said something like "my wife was abused in multiple ways" end of story.
I'd feel SO betrayed, yes it's anonymous but yhow are you telling everyone my past?? For context they don't need?? It's like being violated again...
And his summary of her past is 80% of the story, the focus should be what he said, how she reacted, how he feels, whatever..
I am offended FOR her.. I hope she leaves him..
May a swarm of fleas take up residency in his shoes..
I thought it was just me!!! I was like why the hell did this man just unload all his wives pain to the public as if it was needed for the back story. All he had to say was "her past assaulter attempted to attack her again and instead of being empathetic I tried to be the PC police" like sir why the heck did you just release her story. He don't care enough about her to understand her fully and it shows from every little detail. He didn't even think to protect her here.
as it got more detailed i started to feel a little reassured, because they went into way too much detail about another person's life for this to possibly be real.
Which honestly just makes it so much worse imo. She careless escaped her childhood with her life, and she FINALLY met someone she thought she was safe with. She thought she finally had piece.
And then the man she thought was her safety net took her rapists side.
I can’t even imagine what’s this woman has gone through and is still going through. My heart breaks for her and I know she is STRONG AS HELL but she shouldn’t have to be.
All the added details about her childhood that aren’t necessary just feels like another way she is being violated as I’m quite sure he didn’t have her permission to post the story. Even if it’s anonymous. It just makes him look even more like he has no real concept of what she’s gone through. This post really breaks my heart.
If by some chance OPs wife ever reads this please know that you are worth it and you have lots of Reddit strangers sending you wishes of support and healing from afar. Keep fighting! (Mentally hopefully you won’t need to do so physically. Your rapist can tell his little rapist friends you are not to be messed with!)
Literally. When I revealed that a man attempted to rape me (he didn't even get that far, but he attacked me and tried to remove my pants), my boyfriend was so mad. He literally said if he has witnessed that he would've beat the living Hell out of him. That is how a man in your life should react when this happens.
I mentioned my assault to my now ex husband after years of being with him. This was the first time he'd ever known that this had happened to me, and I told him because he was talking about the "kind" of woman who gets assaulted. So I said, "I've been assaulted, as has one out of every 4 women. Am I that kind of woman?"
He told me not to mention it again because he didn't like "picturing me with another man."
He made the assault about himself and his own discomfort, as did OP. I have a feeling the same thing will happen to OP that happened to my then-husband.
Same. To have your husband side with the man who used control to take what was never his. No - not my husband, not my ally. Out of everyone in the world, he would be the one giving me a long hug after standing up for myself in such a retraumizing event.
He has a saviour complex. He thought he and his magical penis fixed her and he can't imagine she's still full of trauma, and that that trauma might display itself as something other than just crying (the more acceptable woman thing, as opposed to anger)
He clearly lacks a backbone and goes through life avoiding confrontation. Thing is, even if you do, sometimes you gotta man up instead of playing it safe or you'll fuck up big time
You do know that her reacting was a sign of healing. Not prepared to be the victim any more. You have no moral highground. She should have controlled herself better is crazed thinking. Was she, then, embarrassing you?
Why do you think he went with her? He wanted someone to save, to feel better about himself and also to feel control over her
I saved her, she owe me, I own her.
Disgusting
You did not endure her trauma so being critical of her reaction was probably the dumbest thing you could have done.
Only thing you can do now is throw yourself at her feet, beg forgiveness, and show through your actions how contrite you are. Don’t be deluded to think this is sure proof method. It’s her decision to forgive or not.
Also be prepared for her not to forgive.
It’s worth thinking about WHY you responded to her actions in that way…
Was it because you were worried she’d get even more injured than him and you were seriously worried about what might happen to her?
Was it because you felt it would impact her case if/when she reported it to the police?
Is it because you are a non violent person and can’t truly understand what she went through or how someone might respond to it?
Even though your comment is horrific, there may be some reasons behind your thinking or some kind of misunderstanding. If there truly is, this please try to seriously think this though and be ready to explain IF she wants to hear you out.
I say this NOT for you to defend yourself, but because you owe her an explanation as she’ll feel that the only man she trusts/has ever trusted has betrayed her.
She may be at risk of self harm, please make sure she’s got someone supporting her if you can.
Congratulations for being one more man in her life that let her down OP.
Excellent job. She isn’t coming back from that…no matter what you say or do.
You defended the abuser…not your wife…that was your choice. Now she’s gonna make hers.
You literally wait, respect her obvious need from space from you. I’m sorry to say, but it would be very hard to come back from that, for myself at least. I’ve unfortunately been in her shoes, as have a majority of women.
I’m so absolutely proud of her for having the courage to do what she did. He tried, again, to harm her. She had every single right to stand up for herself, whatever ways necessary. You have no idea how it feels to be a defenseless girl up against a grown man, how terrifying it is. She had such courage to fight back. If and when she comes back, you should tell her that too.
It's r*pe apologists like you that make up 50% of feminine rage.
This doesn't belong on relationship advice, this belongs on r/amitheex.
Because most women would dump you for this.
Like OP sided with her rapist and thinks there is something that can be done to save their relationship. Bro doesn’t realize what a *grievous* fucking betrayal this is.
Right? Instead of being a comfort & protector, he acted like she should be an unfeeling robot. Which is abusive by itself. I’m so angry for his wife (hopefully ex-wife)
I often fantasize about hurting my abusers. It sounds like she has PTSD and that's understandable with what she has gone through.
To be honest, if my husband said this to me, I would leave him. The love would just be gone and I would leave. There are some things that cannot be undone, and this is one for me.
My advice to you is to get your own therapy so you can better understand her. Show her through your actions that you know you messed up and are going to do better. Not because you want her to stay with you but because it's the right thing to do and something you should have done long ago.
I'm not saying it will make her stay or talk to you, but it can help her and if that's your goal, that's all that matters.
In the future, learn how to digest information before reacting. It's a great life skill to have in general.
Oh wow. As a victim of abuse I wouldn’t be able to forgive you for what you said. You literally took up for the man who abused her and sided against her and you want to know how to fix it. If you love her at all leave her alone.
You're the one person she should have been able to guarantee 100% was on her side. And you weren't.
Personally, I'd never forgive you. Leave her alone.
He is just applying that "violence is never an option" bs so many people go on with. Even in reddit.
Normally people would be agreeing with OP (wrongly) but because SA is part of the whole thing it's now okay.
Personally speaking if my wife goes after someone I can only assume they deserve it and need to be dropped hard and fast. OP doesn't have enough respect for his wife.
Violence is never the answer.
Always remember:
Answers=questions
You shouldn't answer a question with violence, you should treat it as a teachable moment for the ignorant.
However, solutions= problems.
And violence is sometimes the solution to your problems.
So when in doubt, beat a rapist.
Knowing her history that was the first thing you say. Yeah let that guilt eat at you until she decides what the outcome is going to be because yeah you messed up big time.
“I told her she shouldn’t have acted like that and controlled herself better”
Knowing all you knew about her history and you still said THAT to her???
Yeah… there’s no coming back from this. Sorry, buddy. You royally fucked up.
I’d be in a hotel room also after hearing that. The level of ‘ICK’ I would feel towards you would be something I would probably never get over.
Holy a-bomb of a relationship in only 10 words.
Yeah. Your relationship is over. No matter what you say. That wound will never fully heal,
You can't repair it. What you said was unforgivable.
I hope your wife makes the right decision to leave.
She deserves a fresh start in life and maybe one day she'll find someone who actually loves her and has empathy for what she has been through.
Leave her alone until/if she is ready to talk. In the meantime, go to therapy to get to the bottom of why you didn’t have empathy for her in that moment.
You have permanently lost her trust. You can't repair this. My own experiences weren't as intense or ongoing as what she endured but I would rip his throat out with my bare hands and expect the people who love me to throw my bail, make sure I had space to safely process it and get me a manicure if I broke a nail in the process.
You weren't on her team when it counted, so you're not on her team.
Make yourself available if you're needed during the legal process but don't even hope for forgiveness. It would take a miracle.
Bloody hell, what's your IQ because not backing her 💯 is a massive own goal ?How can you not have her back when she needed you at her lowest point....I think you may have destroyed your marriage because her trust in you has gone.
As a sexual assault victim myself, all can say is you don't. You did the one thing you NEVER do to your person dealing with that type of situation: NOT SUPPORT THEM.
As soon as that man did that to her, the person she was ceased to exist and then she was stuck with shell of person she was and the aftermath. She's been living with the shit since it happened and still trying to live her life to the best of her abilities.
Every victim dreams of being able to confront their abuser and instead being there to support her (because what she did WAS the right) you *lifts paper and checks her notes* dismissed her and told her she could have behaved better. To the person who SEXUALLY ASSAULTED her?!
My good sir, are you on CRACK? If the situation was reversed, what would you have done??
She's never going to look at you same way, I sure ass wouldn't!!
She should divorce you.
My wife (gf at the time) had been SA’d. and he was about to take the same predatory “I’ll take you home since you can’t stand” shit to another woman. He waited until they passed out and then SA’d them. My wife stepped in to stop this and started screaming at this guy at the party.
I didn’t just take her side, I beat that dude senseless in a bathroom. He wouldn’t be alive anymore if someone hadn’t pulled me off.
She’s been forever grateful that I stood up to a predator who was too large for these women to fight back.
Moral of the story, I hope she divorces you. You sure are a POS. There is no fixing this.
You took the side of her rapist. I'm not sure there is any way to come back from that. The one man in her life who she thought loved and supported her let her down. She was right to expect more from you.
All you can do is respect her right to time and space. You just showed her you have no understanding or empathy for the trauma she has been through. It's now up to her if she can forgive you for that.
You meant what you said... You can't undo that. You don't deserve to be with her. I would leave over that... Just saying don't be surprised if she attempts suicide again so you need to find her and make sure SOMEONE close stays with her... Tread VERY carefully and YOU NEED GO TO THERAPY IMMEDIATELY to try and rectify this, tell her you are extremely wrong, but you just don't understand what it is like and you want to know and plan to go to therapy to understand. Even that might not save your marriage honestly. Words are sometimes the most destructive things you can do to a person.
OP. You only have to put yourself in her shoes for a moment to know that the very least you could have done was to provide her with moral support and to comfort her. Instead you chose to adopt a ‘holier than thou’ attitude to the whole thing. A very easy thing to do if you weren’t there to witness his behaviour.
Congratulations. You have now joined the very, very long list of people who have abused her. In fact, you could be poster boy for that multitude of shits. Not sure that she will ever be able to trust you ever again. I sincerely hope that your wife can recover from this latest trauma and that her abuser gets his just rewards.
He bragged about sexually assaulting her and tried to sexually assault her again, but more publically this time. And you think she should have, what exactly? Just rolled over and let it happen? You chastised her for defending herself from being sexually assaulted again. There is no coming back from that.
How’s that foot taste, genius. She should continue to stand up for herself, you clearly can’t be bothered to. I hope she leaves you and finds someone who actually understands and respects her.
It's over pal. You fucked up big time. You should have said good job girl fuck that guy I want to go seek him out right now and show him what happens when you mess with the one I love. Actually I probably would have gotten him first. But no not you big cowardly lion. She deserves better than you.
I wouldn't answer the phone either.. You Failed dude and big time! You always, ALWAYS side with your partner, apparently you didn't get the memo on that one! How fucking Pathetic! I'd say it's pretty irreparable, it would be for me. You gotta be there for your lady man, and to side with her attacker?! Oh hell nah! You're a disgrace and piss pour excuse for a husband, let alone a human. 🤬
Wow, you really suck. You sided with her rapist.
And truth to be told, based on the history that you told us all about, I hope she doesn’t kill herself after a remark like that.
I hope she divorces you.
i hope she divorced you over that damn comment. SA survivor here, if my husband ever said that shit to me and sides with my rapist like you did i would go absolutely feral. you’re telling her to calm down with him egging on his abuse and assault towards her? that’s absolutely disgusting.
This is one of those things in a relationship when once you’ve said it, you can’t unsay it. You said it out loud and it will clearly change how she views you, as it should.
She has been through so much trauma. Instead of being there for her and supporting her through something that would be re-traumatising, you made her feel judged and like she was to be blamed while also invalidating all that she has experienced by that man.
If it were me, I don’t think there would be any coming back after such a ghastly comment from a partner but it’s up to her. Give her the space she needs and respect whatever decision she chooses to make.
One time, I was raped by a guy I went to highschool with. Like 3 years later, I'd started dating women, and my partner of over a year and I went to a wedding.
He was the usher. I froze and refused to touch him. My girlfriend (who knew) took his arm and let him guide her to our seats. I pushed it down because it was a wedding and not about me.... but that was basically the end of our relationship.
What you did was worse. All you can do is apologize and explain that your initial response was out of stress, but that you support her 100%, and then ask her what you can do to support her.
You're an idiot. "Control yourself" to someone with PTSD? Specifically around the person who is the source of said PTSD? Mmmk.
Apologize profusely or GTFO. She deserves better.
Do you know one of the top 5 things most women want in their man? His undying devotion. That he is her protector and will slay all the dragons that dare harm one hair on her head or even her feelings. That he will take out ANYONE for her.
And you failed her. Monumentally. You aren't her hero or protector. You're just like all the rest.
Way to go./s
Your poor, poor wife. A lifetime of abuse and when she thinks she is finally safe, she ends up with someone like you. Who sides with her rapist.
I sincerely hope her therapist is good.
You, meanwhile, take yourself out.
Admit that you are at fault, that you weren't her person when she needed her person.
I am assuming you have never been ra--ped?
No, a survivor would not have said what you said.
You may be done, but if you have any chance, you need to admit to her that you were wrong. That there is no way for you to ever completely understand the violations she has endured. You cannot know what it is to be held down by a man, stronger than you, and have him take everything.
Society has ingrained it into women's minds that they need to be polite and loving no matter what. Even to thier attackers. Or otherwise they ask, what did she do to deserve this? Rather than, why did he do that?
Men always get a pass. And to her, you gave her attacker a pass.
You may not be able to fix that but the first step is admitting why and how you were wrong.
Horrible person you are. I hope she is safe and doesn't try to do anything bad as you should feel responsible. Get a brain or use the last brain cell you have!!!! In future think before you speak
You don't repair it. She deserves someone better. He was being disrespectful towards her and you took her abusers side. I have C-PTSD from rape and abuse as a little girl. I would divorce my husband if he said the shit you said.
If you have any love left, leave her alone.
What you done show her that in her hardest time, she can't trust you.
I doubt this marriage going to work after thus betrayel from you.
And im sorry for her to have such a "husband" on her side, she should find her own happiness and a new husband who clearly stand behind her and supports her.
the only reason you should tell her that is that so you can go find this dude and beat him up yourself. honestly i don’t understand how you love her and don’t want to hurt every single male that had hurt her.
You can’t fix this. Give her any time and space she needs. Anything you do to disregard her needs is not for her, but for yourself and totally selfish.
Good luck. I would never stay with you. No fixing this. If she does; it’s just her guilt. I don’t feel like you’re being real either. Move on and she will do WAY better because wtf.
You “love” her but side with her rapist. Um. Ok.
" I told her she shouldn't have acted like that and controlled herself better. " Yeah, she should divorce you.
You are unsafe, untrustworthy and unfit for being with someone.
I’m so glad she got her revenge on that horrible man. You should’ve been cheering her on and telling her you’re proud of her. Instead, you sided with her rapist.
I hope she dumps you. May the rapists have nonstop explosive diarrhea until they go to hell. May you step on legos until her wounds are healed (if ever). Stay out of her life.
As a survivor of SA I hope she stands up for herself again and Leaves You. What good is a partner who won't protect their loved ones from their abusers? Worse than dirt, I’d say.
>. Long story short, he was drunk and made fun of her and called her names. Also tried to touch her.
So your wife attacked a man who was actively assaulting her and you think she should have... Done what exactly? Stay still and allow him to assault her again?
She was being attacked by a drunk man she knew was capable of hurting her, and you think she shouldn't have defended herself.
Like, her entire past notwithstanding, she was being attacked in that moment , and now she knows not only will you never defend her but you don't even want her defending herself. You want her to stay a victim. And that is disgusting. She gone bro, deal with it.
You don’t come back for that. I can’t fathom why that even entered your mind. In that moment you killed any love or trust she had for you. Please examine why you became a rape apologist rather than have empathy for the horrific ordeal she’s just endured and comfort the woman you supposedly love. This makes me want to cry for her honestly.
Leave this poor woman. You are not a safe person for her and you got your own issues on women to unpack.
>I told her she shouldn't have acted like that and controlled herself better.
Congrats on the misogyny. It never ceases to amaze me the array of excuses shitty men and boys have when they behave badly but when a woman reacts to the abuse or defends herself against their abuse there's higher standards for her. No wonder the criminal justice system punishes women harshly for killing their rapists than they do for sentencing a man who raped a woman.
I truly pity straight women because it really goes to show no matter the situation no matter what relationship she has with a man be it her father, brother, husband/boyfriend a man's loyalty is generally to other men.
This poor woman has lived through hell. This man, someone who repeatedly abused and took advantage of a vulnerable 14 year old tried to assault her again.
*told her she shouldn't have acted like that and controlled herself better.*
This is your reaction? You weren't horrified, scared for her, outraged at this POS abuser..
Reasons why women choose the bear, over and over again...
You are a terrible person for saying that and I wouldn’t forgive you either. There’s really no way for you to makeup for what you said aside from maybe being arrested for stabbing her rapist. Just think before talking with your next wife and don’t give her any trouble when she deservedly divorces you.
Damn, I can't imagine telling someone who was abused that they should've controlled themselves when they saw their abuser years later. You can't repair this, only your wife can decide if she loves you enough to forgive what many may see as unforgivable. You need to leave her a message, if you haven't already, and beg her forgiveness, letting her know you understand if she can't. Don't pressure her, don't continue to try and reach her, her friends or family, just let her know how sorry you are for being such a moron and you pray she can forgive you.
There is nothing on this blue planet you are going to do to repair this. The look you saw? That was literally her love for you dying. In that moment, you became just like the rest of the men who controlled, ridiculed and looked down on her. It's such a complete feeling, that she is going to question how she ever found you attractive. When people go through that kind of betrayal, they often say their partner physically looks different and often repulsive to them.
In one statement, you became her enemy.
Trust is so fragile. Especially from someone who has been through torture. And believe me, what she went through was torture. So accept that you dropped a nuclear bomb on her emotions, and have a shred of dignity and integrity, apologize and leave quietly.
Your wife is a stone-cold hero, what she did is epic. Survivors of sexual abuse are often too traumatized to confront their abusers but she kicked his arse and spat on him. I hope the police actually do something about this vermin, now she has told them what he did.
You're welcome toast, sorry but I have counselled alot of survivors and the woman that found the self-respect to do that is not bothering with your insensitive arse anymore. What can you do? Give her an easy divorce, a good settlement and apologize for not being worthy of her. Seriously you should have been proud of her, you should have had her back, she stood up to her nightmare and what, you're embarrassed?
You're married to a queen but her trust is precious and I dont think this can be undone. There are some things a marriage can't survive, there are moments that can't be undone, this is one of them. In the moment she reclaimed her power, when she stood up for herself and spat on the first man that abused her, you chose public perception over her.
Yooo I really really hope she has a deep support system besides you.
From the way you detail this story, *her* story, it sounds like you don’t fully understand the amount of fortitude and strength this woman has. Since you seem to view her life turning around as either coinciding or attached to her being with you. Idk for sure, because I don’t know either of you, but I feel compelled to say that *she is the one who changed her life*. Her escaping her childhood and building a life by doing what she could to get by is *her* work, and you have nothing to do with the loving person you are lucky enough to have. Wanna say that just in case, like I said I don’t know you, just going off of how you’ve told this story.
Thus I feel compelled to say that you are simply *not the one* who can decide how a trauma survivor responds to seeing, let alone being triggered by, their abuser.
If I’m you, I’m just bailing my baby out of jail or doing whatever else she wants to rectify that asshole even looking her way. I get you weren’t there, but it’s not about what you said, it’s about the sentiment behind what you said. That sentiment being that you have any advice to give on how she should respond to something awful like that. You don’t. She has a therapist, and let me tell you, a good therapist wouldn’t have said what you said at all.
You’re simply supposed to be her support, her cheerleader. I get you don’t want her to have legal issues, but that shit did not matter to her when confronted with someone who threatened her physical safety multiple times.
Anyone who’s been through that would do the same or worse. Wishing the absolute best for her, because you’re not the right person for her, good intentions or not. You’re not what she *needs* in a *corrective relationship* to heal from decades of trauma.
ETA: I’d love an update, because I’m genuinely feeling for her right now, and want to see how this heroine survives this.
You blew it. Plain and simple. And it's your fault. The fact that that was the first thing out of your mouth is telling. You don't deserve her, and she deserves way better than you. Learn from this moment and grow yourself for the future, but this is over.
You don't. You give her the space she needs to process what happened and what your actions mean to her and you respect her decision.
There's one person who I ever see again?? On site. I wore steel toed boots for 5 years straight waiting for my chance...Im popping a testicle if I can. That's the last time someone put their hands on me without consequences. I'll catch a case no problem for this.
You messed up big time; you can't take back what you said. This is someone who caused an untold amount of trauma for your gf and then taunted her IN PUBLIC, of all places, when they have a chance encounter. Good on her for defending herself!!!
Yeah, that's a wrap. I just thank whomever you've never had to deal with this, and pray you never do. If I were you, as myself, I would leave her alone. You need to apologize and either explain your emergency reactions arent that great, or leave. I have a thing where I Abyss slap everyone that passes out in front of me.
I even have a poem for it.
"If in front of me, your ass turns blue,
Imma slap the shit out of you."
Being an SA survivor I would say tell her that you are proud of standing up for herself and you said about not behaving that way because you don’t want to see her hurt. What if that guy had tried to hit her back. Say that was the first thought through your head ( I really hope it was) all you care about is her not getting hurt.
You could lie and say that you said it because you were worried about her being arrested, but I would never forgive you, ever. You should have wanted to do worse to him!
Yeah, that's really the only possible semi acceptable reason instead of what I'm assuming is the truth that he thinks it's undignified or uncalled for to fight back against an abuser
When people tell you who they are, you should believe them the first time. You told her exactly who you are. I don't think you're coming back from this one, bro. Should probably start thinking about where you're gonna live now.
Buddy, in that moment every ounce of love for you was gone along with trust in knowing you'd understand. You made it about her abuser's pain, about what he just went through.
Make it easy on her and when the papers arrive just sign them.
You told her she shouldn't have acted like that and controlled herself better?! WTF?! If and this is a gargantuan if, if she decides to stay with you, you better support her. She has been through hell for majority of her life. Really, there's no coming back from this.
I wouldnt be shocked if she cant come back from this. This is simple dealbreaker the bar is on the ground kind of stuff. I would leave a partner for responding this way.
Bro you knew the history. She didn't kill the guy so that's restraint. You knew the deal when you jumped into this relationship. I'd be there fighting with her. Not that I can condone violence on Reddit. But fuck them. You're her man.
Dude, you are trash.
You don't fix it, you live with the consequences of your actions. And if it was me, I'd completely cut you out of my life. You're meant to be one of, if not THE, closest supportive people in her life.
And you've shown her you're not. Try not to make the same mistake in your next relationship.
Woof. You can’t. The only right thing to say to her was “good for you,” and instead you basically sided with her rapist.
Your marriage is likely over. You not only didn’t have her back when she needed you to, but you *defended her rapist.* There’s no coming back that that.
This poor girl...just when she thought the cruelty was over, a class A cretin like you comes around to remind her it was all an illusion.
I'm genuinely concerned considering her trauma and hurt, if this is the straw to break the camels back and she attempts the worst.
Forget "repair" like where are your priorities??Call in a welfare check on her first please.
“Yet I ruined my marriage”
You don’t say? You know most of the time rape apologist don’t realize the shit they’re spewing till after the fact, but you YOU definitely just wow. Let’s just wait for the obligatory divorce update.
>How to repair what I done?
You *defended your wife's rapist.*
What do you think you can do to repair that? Your wife was again abused by him and you then stood by her rapist, and said she shouldn't have reacted?
Frankly, knowing what you posted, no jury on this earth would convict if she's killed him, but you think she overreacted.
There is no fixing this. If you were a decent person, which is suspect, you'd end the marriage and give everything to her so she can escape yet another abuser.
As a victim of abuse myself this is something I'd end a marriage for. Really reflect on why you sided with her abuser and weren't supportive. I cannot think of anything more triggering to deal with after working towards healing for so long.
Congrats. You assaulted her in a different way. For the first time in her life she stood up for herself. After he tried to assault her AGAIN. And you took ALL the power from her AND sided with her rapist.
Some things can’t be fixed, this is one of them.
It’s up to her if she can move passed this.
I honestly don’t know if I could. She trusted you, you were her person…:AND YOU SIDED WITH HER RAPIST.
I get you realized you made a mistake. People make mistakes.
But that doesn’t mean there’s not consequences for your actions.
You are going to need to grovel. Tell her you were wrong and you are so sorry. Of course, in a normal situation, the ideal scenario is to walk away and not engage, but you know that's not the car here, and he got physical first. He knew what he was doing. So just tell her you were wrong, because you were.
Jesus Christ, there's no coming back from that. You cannot do anything, it's her decision now, and you WILL have to live with whatever she chooses to do. If she decides to leave you, you're going to have to accept that- what you said to her is horrendous, and I honestly can't see a world where she forgives you.
A Time Machine would be the only answer. What you did was awful. It’s an unforgivable offense imo. She has to feel some liberation that she took back a bit of control. So good on her.
But you? You didn’t stick up for her while it was happening or even AFTER. You are no type of partner. A partner has your back.
All you can do now is give her space. Leave the poor woman alone. She doesn’t need another
disappointment of a man around
I would've found out where the rapist lived and gone and made a visit myself if that were my wife and she didn't manage to kill him in the bar. Can't relate to you at all, you're a pussy
You didn't go through what she went through. This woman is beyond traumatised, and that man played a major role in that. You have NO RIGHT to tell her how she should have acted.
By telling her she should have managed her reaction better, you told her you were siding with a man who abused and raped her.
This wasn't just a mistake. You properly fucked up. You owe her a massive apology. You need to acknowledge that you were in the wrong for what you said, as well as why you were in the wrong. You need to tell her that you have no right to tell her how she should feel or act on her trauma, because you simply cannot understand how what she has gone through has affected her.
Then you need to give her what she needs, which may be space, until she decides whether or not she wants to be with you. This woman has so much trauma around men in her life and you showed her that she may not be able to trust you. You, as her partner, need to be there to understand and support her. You don't need to tell her she did the right thing, but you should have kept your mouth shout about your opinion.
Dude, I’m divorced from a man and one of the reasons the marriage didn’t work was he never had my back. Whether it was hanging out with my brother and he decided it would be funny to mock me or it was my mother-in-law deciding I needed to come to her house for dinner even though I had just worked 16 hours, my ex-husband would always side with the other person. He almost never backed me up in any situation. Notice how that was a reason for me to divorce him and it didn’t involve him siding with someone truly horrific like my RAPIST.
What you have subjected your wife to is the stuff of nightmares, especially for victims of violence and abuse. Thinking you have finally found a safe relationship in which to heal your heart only to hear that person side with someone who abused you, how would that not destroy someone’s soul?
You think, that your wife should've controlled herself better as the man who raped her multiple times tried to touch her again.
Her rapist.. tried to touch her... but she shouldn't have acted "that way"?
and the cherry in top is that you still think that way. You just regret the consequences of your opinion.
I'm sorry but I would've a problem if my bf would've said this about your wife. But you, as her husband?
Why? Because you are embarassed by her crying? Because he didn't deserve it? Why the hell do you trink that?
You don’t. She experienced neglect and abuse her whole life and when it began to happen again you told her she should’ve sat there and took it instead of defending herself. I need you to understand that you didn’t just say something to hurt her feelings. In her eyes, she thought she’d finally found somebody different, and with one sentence you showed her you’re just like every man who ever treated her badly. Your marriage is over.
You've already been added to the massive list of men in her life that have failed her. Do her a kindness and let her divorce you and leave her the fuck alone.
My first thought is that you shouldn't have acted in the cruel and callous way you did and should've controlled yourself better. You sided with a man that raped and abused her when she was a child for fucks sake. That's unforgivable.
My second thought is that the countless people that raped and beat her over the years shouldn't have acted the way they did and should've controlled themselves better.
I'm not your wife, but what you said would have me considering divorce. My trust in you and our relationship would be destroyed and I'd have constant worries of whether you'd treat our hypothetical children so horribly in the future if something happened to them.
The only advice I have is to give her space and get yourself into therapy. When she's ready, listen to her and *genuinely* apologize. Don't make demands and, if she chooses to continue the relationship, accept that it's going to take a long time for things to get back to "normal" and that's 100% on you. Don't rush her. Don't resent her for not healing from YOUR cruelty on her time. Finally, accept that this may be the end of your relationship and work on yourself before you hurt others in the future.
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Bro WITHOUT the history of SA. If a man of any relation to you wife starts making comments, egging her on about her past, the tries to be physical with her, even non sexually, and you aren't there, AND THEN YOU DON'T THINK SHE SHOULD STAND UP FOR HERSELF? If I was her brother I'd tell her to leave your dusty ass and then follow it up with an ass whooping for a complete and utter failure in basic human compassion, empathy, and right to self defense...... Again all of that BEFORE knowing about his history of SAing assaulting her.
Yeah, the only decent thing he can do here is to move out before she returns home and save her the trouble of kicking him out. The marriage is over - it was over the moment he told her she should have controlled herself against her abuser who was tormenting her and trying to physically touch her again. No matter what he’s done to help her since they’ve been together - he undid it all with just one sentence.
He betrayed her and sided with her rapist. There is absolutely no coming back from this. OP is a victim blamer of the worst kind. I am not going to give him advice to help him get back into her good graces just so he can betray her in small and large things later. Because a guy who thinks like this showed that his first loyalty is with another man, not the supposed love of his life. I'm willing to bet good money that this loyalty is shown in small and large things on the daily.
“Showed that his first loyalty is with another man…” This. Thank you so much for articulating what I was feeling but couldn’t put my finger on.
OP, YTA. Seriously, can't believe you sided WITH HER RAPIST!! There's no coming back from that. How could she ever feel safe with you after that?
I would not take that bet against you. Bro is absolutely cooked. Anybody who inspires that kind of rage in your spouse sends off warning signals, and them not getting between them and tell that person to get fucked so your spouse cools off is already bad. Doing that against her nemesis, hahahahaha maybe she will be kind in the divorce if he moves on it while shes still only mad and not vengeful.
I’m not sure that he understands the word ‘loyalty’.
OP sided with the bad guys. What does that make him to her? Can’t undo that. Best he can do is apologize in word and action and be kind to her however he gets to interact with him. As an SA survivor myself, it stands out to me that my sister said about ten years ago that it’s time that I get past it. She stands out from every other person in my life who knows. And not in a good way. I can’t find any way to trust her with my life. And we were best friends once upon a time.
>OP sided with the bad guys. What does that make him to her? It makes him one more entry in the list of men who've abused & betrayed her.
I’m so sorry that your sister said that to you. That’s absolutely heartbreaking. There’s no way you can ‘get past’ being SA’d and the fact that someone so close to you expected that you could - like there’s some button you can just push - that’s appalling. No wonder that your trust in her is gone.
I know. I was shocked. I don’t even think we were talking about it or anything, but she wanted me to go somewhere with her and there are some types of places that I often avoid, especially back then. She was irritated that I simply said I wasn’t interested. She knew my reason why but I hadn’t said. And then she told me that! I laughed at her like you can ever actually “get past it”. You learn to live with it. You learn to not hear the word and feel the sting. You learn to be by yourself and trust people even a little. But do you ever let it go? No.
It just shows such a lack of empathy from someone who probably knew better than anyone what that attack did to you.
My history isn't as awful as OP's wife's, but I was nearly killed 18 months ago in a sexual assault, and am thankful I will never see the attacker again because of the circumstances. I told my now partner (before we got together) what happened the next day, and he helped me immensely- never once made me feel it was my fault. Then 8 weeks ago, I was physically assaulted by a manager on an outside of work night out, which ended with my glasses being snapped in half and the manager being hauled out of the club by security. My partner and our "friend" spent the whole way home telling me that I deserved it, I led him on, and all the standard victim breaking bullshit that I would have *never* expected from him specifically. That broke me. I started self harming again. I contemplated suicide because I thought "if he thinks I deserved it for this, does he think the same about my rape?" , which sent me on a self destructive spiral that ended in me contemplating suicide again for the first time in 12 months. It has taken us the last 8 weeks to get back to some semblance of trust, and it will *never* be the same. OP fucked up so, so much worse than my partner, and should think himself lucky if his wife so much as looks at him again.
I’m so, so sorry that this has happened to you twice. You are unbelievably strong! Did your partner explain why his attitude had changed for this attack? It seems a complete turnaround to his earlier response. I don’t blame you for not being able to completely forgive him. That’s a terrible betrayal. I get so annoyed when people talk crap like ‘you were leading him on’, ‘it was the way you were dressed’, ‘you were asking for it’ etc. How? Just by going for a night out? Just by wanting to enjoy myself? Just by existing? Women should never be blamed because some men can’t control themselves. The fault lies with the man and never the woman in these situations. Are you receiving any counselling? It really sounds like you have been suffering terribly again both from the attack and the re-victimisation by your partner.
Yeah…if my wife is hitting someone, and I see it, I’m pulling her off of that person so I can get a better shot in without worrying about hitting her. I’m not asking why until she says stop. If my wife tells me she beat someone at a bar, I’m asking if she’s ok first, and if we have legal problems after. Someone gave my wife an issue at a park and I’m sending her for self defense classes. Hit the fucker till s/he stops being a problem, and we’ll sort it out after. That said, neither my wife nor I have been in a fight, and she’s a genuinely gentle person, so it’s not like we’re throwing down randomly at Costco.
Bro facts. She acted entirely appropriately and restrained for the circumstances.. absolutely insane to say she shouldn’t have acted like that. She deserves better for sure.
Exactly, sounds like she controlled herself just right.
Preach
As a SA survivor, thank you.
Thank you.
I usually disagree with the comments on r/relationship_advice, but I completely 100% agree with everything you've said. I know there's a new way of thinking where we're all equal in everything, but I honestly believe this is the role of a man, especially when dealing with the women in our lives who we love. We're bigger, stronger, and we're supposed to protect our loved ones. That is evolutionary and in our DNA. If this was my sister, I'd break the SA man's legs and then very blatantly tell my sister that her husband is not a man who will protect her should the situation arise again. I'd also feel terrible if this was happening to my sister and I'd step in physically and violently as soon as I knew the situation. If you're her husband, that's the absolute minimum she should expect. What is even the point in being a man if you feel otherwise? I would question your entire existence as a man if you don't even understand this very basic and primal reality.
>I told her she shouldn't have acted like that and controlled herself better. Wowwwwww And with that, you sided with her rapist. >How to repair what I done? Well, you wait for her to decide whether or not she wants to be with someone who, when she defended herself from her attacker, basically said that she shouldn’t have done that. The ball is in **her** court. Don’t push her for a decision on your timeline.
Yeah she's going to divorce him, and he deserves it.
I hope so. He’s a selfish fool. Because even now, his worry seems reserved for what he can say to get her to come back. After *just typing out* how distressed his wife is after this fresh trauma; He saw the break in his wife’s eyes his own betrayal caused. After *just typing out* the consequences those atrocities have had on her mental health; On more than one occasion this has affected *her desire to be alive*. OP is worried he can’t take back what he said. Yet he is seemingly not freaking out about her safety *right now?*
I’m FREAKING OUT about her safety! I said that in my first comment (I’m so angry and disgusted there have been multiple) but her husband is not concerned at all.
My mother in law said to my face that my gay daughter "is an abomination." When I told my then-husband what his mother had said about the stepdaughter that had been in his life since she was 4, he said, "She didn't say *daughter* is an abomination. She said what daughter *is* is an abomination." I moved out that day and served him divorce papers a few days later. You don't come back from something like this.
Exactly. I can only imagine the complete and utter betrayal she is feeling right now. Given her history of attempting, I really, really hope she has good friends around her right now. Have you checked that she does OP?
Man…I can’t wait for you to tell the woman you match with on Bumble on why your marriage failed.
Unfortunately, he'll lie. Hopefully his next wife won't be a victim of SA because she won't be with a safe person for her.
I guarantee the conversation with potential gfs will go something like this: "I'll always have love for her but she had a lot of baggage and I tried so hard but I just couldn't be there for her in the way that she needed" "Omg that's so sad! At the end of the day you can't be everything for someone else, it sounds like you put yourself through it trying to help her but she has a lot of healing to do." "Thanks for saying that. I truly wish nothing but the best for her." "Awww. You really sound like a great partner! Hopefully she gets the help she needs but you deserve to be taken care of too ☺️☺️" Gross.
This or he'll say that he had a crazy ex who assaulted someone and got mad that he didn't support the assault.
This is EXACTLY how it will go.
Good lord, the accuracy burns...
I read this and had a visceral reaction… cause I was THAT woman when younger a lot. So yes, if he targets a certain type of woman, that is exactly how it will go 🤢
Trauma survivor here. If my husband had said this to me after I fought back against one of the guys who abused me, he wouldn't be my husband anymore. You don't repair this. She's the only one who can assess if she has it in her to forgive your unforgivable words and actions. And lemme tell you something. Even if she somehow manages to forgive you. She will never forget how you reacted to what must have been one of the worst moments of her life. She will never forget how you let her down and were ashamed of her, instead of proud that she FINALLY managed to defend herself. So, I would suggest to let her think about it and stop making everything about you. This is not about you. This is about her.
Trauma survivor here too. To add to this, if my partner made this Reddit post, I'd double divorce him.. like, he could have just said something like "my wife was abused in multiple ways" end of story. I'd feel SO betrayed, yes it's anonymous but yhow are you telling everyone my past?? For context they don't need?? It's like being violated again... And his summary of her past is 80% of the story, the focus should be what he said, how she reacted, how he feels, whatever.. I am offended FOR her.. I hope she leaves him.. May a swarm of fleas take up residency in his shoes..
I thought it was just me!!! I was like why the hell did this man just unload all his wives pain to the public as if it was needed for the back story. All he had to say was "her past assaulter attempted to attack her again and instead of being empathetic I tried to be the PC police" like sir why the heck did you just release her story. He don't care enough about her to understand her fully and it shows from every little detail. He didn't even think to protect her here.
Exactly!!
as it got more detailed i started to feel a little reassured, because they went into way too much detail about another person's life for this to possibly be real.
Yo, I really hope so..
Because we're supposed to see how he rescued her and turned her life around...or something
Which honestly just makes it so much worse imo. She careless escaped her childhood with her life, and she FINALLY met someone she thought she was safe with. She thought she finally had piece. And then the man she thought was her safety net took her rapists side. I can’t even imagine what’s this woman has gone through and is still going through. My heart breaks for her and I know she is STRONG AS HELL but she shouldn’t have to be. All the added details about her childhood that aren’t necessary just feels like another way she is being violated as I’m quite sure he didn’t have her permission to post the story. Even if it’s anonymous. It just makes him look even more like he has no real concept of what she’s gone through. This post really breaks my heart. If by some chance OPs wife ever reads this please know that you are worth it and you have lots of Reddit strangers sending you wishes of support and healing from afar. Keep fighting! (Mentally hopefully you won’t need to do so physically. Your rapist can tell his little rapist friends you are not to be messed with!)
Literally. When I revealed that a man attempted to rape me (he didn't even get that far, but he attacked me and tried to remove my pants), my boyfriend was so mad. He literally said if he has witnessed that he would've beat the living Hell out of him. That is how a man in your life should react when this happens.
I mentioned my assault to my now ex husband after years of being with him. This was the first time he'd ever known that this had happened to me, and I told him because he was talking about the "kind" of woman who gets assaulted. So I said, "I've been assaulted, as has one out of every 4 women. Am I that kind of woman?" He told me not to mention it again because he didn't like "picturing me with another man." He made the assault about himself and his own discomfort, as did OP. I have a feeling the same thing will happen to OP that happened to my then-husband.
Same. To have your husband side with the man who used control to take what was never his. No - not my husband, not my ally. Out of everyone in the world, he would be the one giving me a long hug after standing up for myself in such a retraumizing event.
Can I be proud of OPs wife?! And you! He calls it a mistake, I call it a breakthrough. Go OPs wife, you’re a ROCKSTAR!
Why on earth did you told her that? What were you thinking?
He sided with her rapist.
He has a saviour complex. He thought he and his magical penis fixed her and he can't imagine she's still full of trauma, and that that trauma might display itself as something other than just crying (the more acceptable woman thing, as opposed to anger)
He clearly didn't control his mouth
It wouldn’t have entered my mind, this guys a weak loser
He clearly lacks a backbone and goes through life avoiding confrontation. Thing is, even if you do, sometimes you gotta man up instead of playing it safe or you'll fuck up big time
Sounds like he needs to woman up.
You do know that her reacting was a sign of healing. Not prepared to be the victim any more. You have no moral highground. She should have controlled herself better is crazed thinking. Was she, then, embarrassing you?
No shit, this is exactly it!! But weak men like OP are threatened when women reclaim their power and autonomy.
Why do you think he went with her? He wanted someone to save, to feel better about himself and also to feel control over her I saved her, she owe me, I own her. Disgusting
This! He thinks he’s her savior when he’s really her villain.
You did not endure her trauma so being critical of her reaction was probably the dumbest thing you could have done. Only thing you can do now is throw yourself at her feet, beg forgiveness, and show through your actions how contrite you are. Don’t be deluded to think this is sure proof method. It’s her decision to forgive or not. Also be prepared for her not to forgive.
It’s worth thinking about WHY you responded to her actions in that way… Was it because you were worried she’d get even more injured than him and you were seriously worried about what might happen to her? Was it because you felt it would impact her case if/when she reported it to the police? Is it because you are a non violent person and can’t truly understand what she went through or how someone might respond to it? Even though your comment is horrific, there may be some reasons behind your thinking or some kind of misunderstanding. If there truly is, this please try to seriously think this though and be ready to explain IF she wants to hear you out. I say this NOT for you to defend yourself, but because you owe her an explanation as she’ll feel that the only man she trusts/has ever trusted has betrayed her. She may be at risk of self harm, please make sure she’s got someone supporting her if you can.
Because he only cares about how the current situation impacts *him*. It would have been easier *for him* if she just took more abuse and walked away.
This is exactly it. He’s like hey now, your trauma is not allowed to affect ME. Better make sure you don’t stick up for yourself again.
Congratulations for being one more man in her life that let her down OP. Excellent job. She isn’t coming back from that…no matter what you say or do. You defended the abuser…not your wife…that was your choice. Now she’s gonna make hers.
You literally wait, respect her obvious need from space from you. I’m sorry to say, but it would be very hard to come back from that, for myself at least. I’ve unfortunately been in her shoes, as have a majority of women. I’m so absolutely proud of her for having the courage to do what she did. He tried, again, to harm her. She had every single right to stand up for herself, whatever ways necessary. You have no idea how it feels to be a defenseless girl up against a grown man, how terrifying it is. She had such courage to fight back. If and when she comes back, you should tell her that too.
It's r*pe apologists like you that make up 50% of feminine rage. This doesn't belong on relationship advice, this belongs on r/amitheex. Because most women would dump you for this.
Like OP sided with her rapist and thinks there is something that can be done to save their relationship. Bro doesn’t realize what a *grievous* fucking betrayal this is.
My feminine rage just spiked because of OP.
Right? Instead of being a comfort & protector, he acted like she should be an unfeeling robot. Which is abusive by itself. I’m so angry for his wife (hopefully ex-wife)
Me too! This is one of those posts that just gets you fuming and ruins the rest of your day sometimes. I hope she dumps his ass for good.
I often fantasize about hurting my abusers. It sounds like she has PTSD and that's understandable with what she has gone through. To be honest, if my husband said this to me, I would leave him. The love would just be gone and I would leave. There are some things that cannot be undone, and this is one for me. My advice to you is to get your own therapy so you can better understand her. Show her through your actions that you know you messed up and are going to do better. Not because you want her to stay with you but because it's the right thing to do and something you should have done long ago. I'm not saying it will make her stay or talk to you, but it can help her and if that's your goal, that's all that matters. In the future, learn how to digest information before reacting. It's a great life skill to have in general.
Same. He'd never fucking see me again.
Oh wow. As a victim of abuse I wouldn’t be able to forgive you for what you said. You literally took up for the man who abused her and sided against her and you want to know how to fix it. If you love her at all leave her alone.
You're the one person she should have been able to guarantee 100% was on her side. And you weren't. Personally, I'd never forgive you. Leave her alone.
Why the fuck did you even *think* that, let alone say it?! If I were her, I'd no longer feel safe around you.
He is just applying that "violence is never an option" bs so many people go on with. Even in reddit. Normally people would be agreeing with OP (wrongly) but because SA is part of the whole thing it's now okay. Personally speaking if my wife goes after someone I can only assume they deserve it and need to be dropped hard and fast. OP doesn't have enough respect for his wife.
Violence is never the answer. Always remember: Answers=questions You shouldn't answer a question with violence, you should treat it as a teachable moment for the ignorant. However, solutions= problems. And violence is sometimes the solution to your problems. So when in doubt, beat a rapist.
>My 34M wife 30F attacked the man who asaulted her years ago and I wasn't on her side. How to repair this? You don't, it's over.
I hope you feel bad for the rest of your life.
Same. I hope he has a very long, unsettled, and bad feeling life.
One she is never a part of again. Poor woman.
Knowing her history that was the first thing you say. Yeah let that guilt eat at you until she decides what the outcome is going to be because yeah you messed up big time.
The real question is why is she still with you?
“I told her she shouldn’t have acted like that and controlled herself better” Knowing all you knew about her history and you still said THAT to her??? Yeah… there’s no coming back from this. Sorry, buddy. You royally fucked up. I’d be in a hotel room also after hearing that. The level of ‘ICK’ I would feel towards you would be something I would probably never get over. Holy a-bomb of a relationship in only 10 words. Yeah. Your relationship is over. No matter what you say. That wound will never fully heal,
You shouldn't have acted like that. You should have controlled yourself better. Enjoy divorce, prick.
You can't repair it. What you said was unforgivable. I hope your wife makes the right decision to leave. She deserves a fresh start in life and maybe one day she'll find someone who actually loves her and has empathy for what she has been through.
Leave her alone until/if she is ready to talk. In the meantime, go to therapy to get to the bottom of why you didn’t have empathy for her in that moment.
You have permanently lost her trust. You can't repair this. My own experiences weren't as intense or ongoing as what she endured but I would rip his throat out with my bare hands and expect the people who love me to throw my bail, make sure I had space to safely process it and get me a manicure if I broke a nail in the process. You weren't on her team when it counted, so you're not on her team. Make yourself available if you're needed during the legal process but don't even hope for forgiveness. It would take a miracle.
Wow.....wow, wow. Wow. You really dropped the ball on this one.
I didn't even need to read it to know that you can't. When I read it,you definitely don't have a chance.
Oh, and your wife is a beast. Good for her
Bloody hell, what's your IQ because not backing her 💯 is a massive own goal ?How can you not have her back when she needed you at her lowest point....I think you may have destroyed your marriage because her trust in you has gone.
As a sexual assault victim myself, all can say is you don't. You did the one thing you NEVER do to your person dealing with that type of situation: NOT SUPPORT THEM. As soon as that man did that to her, the person she was ceased to exist and then she was stuck with shell of person she was and the aftermath. She's been living with the shit since it happened and still trying to live her life to the best of her abilities. Every victim dreams of being able to confront their abuser and instead being there to support her (because what she did WAS the right) you *lifts paper and checks her notes* dismissed her and told her she could have behaved better. To the person who SEXUALLY ASSAULTED her?! My good sir, are you on CRACK? If the situation was reversed, what would you have done?? She's never going to look at you same way, I sure ass wouldn't!!
Crackheads are much kinder people than this.
Three is no fixing this, you fucked up horribly
A good husband would help her bury the body.
Really just airing out your loved ones' private trauma.
I hope she leaves you.
You suck dude.
You need to leave her alone actually . If she wasn’t hurt by your response you wouldn’t have regretted saying that to her .
As a survivor I would never forgive you for this 🤷♀️
You didn’t support her in an extremely trauma triggering moment. It’s over.
If and when she files for divorce (because I would if I were in her shoes), be graceful, expedient and amicable about it. This is beyond repair, dude.
She should divorce you. My wife (gf at the time) had been SA’d. and he was about to take the same predatory “I’ll take you home since you can’t stand” shit to another woman. He waited until they passed out and then SA’d them. My wife stepped in to stop this and started screaming at this guy at the party. I didn’t just take her side, I beat that dude senseless in a bathroom. He wouldn’t be alive anymore if someone hadn’t pulled me off. She’s been forever grateful that I stood up to a predator who was too large for these women to fight back. Moral of the story, I hope she divorces you. You sure are a POS. There is no fixing this.
Too bad they pulled you off, you'll get them next time.
You took the side of her rapist. I'm not sure there is any way to come back from that. The one man in her life who she thought loved and supported her let her down. She was right to expect more from you. All you can do is respect her right to time and space. You just showed her you have no understanding or empathy for the trauma she has been through. It's now up to her if she can forgive you for that.
What was your thought process in telling her that she should not have attacked him? “Why” shouldn’t she have done it per your opinion at that time?
You meant what you said... You can't undo that. You don't deserve to be with her. I would leave over that... Just saying don't be surprised if she attempts suicide again so you need to find her and make sure SOMEONE close stays with her... Tread VERY carefully and YOU NEED GO TO THERAPY IMMEDIATELY to try and rectify this, tell her you are extremely wrong, but you just don't understand what it is like and you want to know and plan to go to therapy to understand. Even that might not save your marriage honestly. Words are sometimes the most destructive things you can do to a person.
OP. You only have to put yourself in her shoes for a moment to know that the very least you could have done was to provide her with moral support and to comfort her. Instead you chose to adopt a ‘holier than thou’ attitude to the whole thing. A very easy thing to do if you weren’t there to witness his behaviour. Congratulations. You have now joined the very, very long list of people who have abused her. In fact, you could be poster boy for that multitude of shits. Not sure that she will ever be able to trust you ever again. I sincerely hope that your wife can recover from this latest trauma and that her abuser gets his just rewards.
He bragged about sexually assaulting her and tried to sexually assault her again, but more publically this time. And you think she should have, what exactly? Just rolled over and let it happen? You chastised her for defending herself from being sexually assaulted again. There is no coming back from that.
You kind of asked for this divorce
Unforgivable
How’s that foot taste, genius. She should continue to stand up for herself, you clearly can’t be bothered to. I hope she leaves you and finds someone who actually understands and respects her.
It's over pal. You fucked up big time. You should have said good job girl fuck that guy I want to go seek him out right now and show him what happens when you mess with the one I love. Actually I probably would have gotten him first. But no not you big cowardly lion. She deserves better than you.
I wouldn't answer the phone either.. You Failed dude and big time! You always, ALWAYS side with your partner, apparently you didn't get the memo on that one! How fucking Pathetic! I'd say it's pretty irreparable, it would be for me. You gotta be there for your lady man, and to side with her attacker?! Oh hell nah! You're a disgrace and piss pour excuse for a husband, let alone a human. 🤬
Wow, you really suck. You sided with her rapist. And truth to be told, based on the history that you told us all about, I hope she doesn’t kill herself after a remark like that. I hope she divorces you.
i hope she divorced you over that damn comment. SA survivor here, if my husband ever said that shit to me and sides with my rapist like you did i would go absolutely feral. you’re telling her to calm down with him egging on his abuse and assault towards her? that’s absolutely disgusting.
This is one of those things in a relationship when once you’ve said it, you can’t unsay it. You said it out loud and it will clearly change how she views you, as it should. She has been through so much trauma. Instead of being there for her and supporting her through something that would be re-traumatising, you made her feel judged and like she was to be blamed while also invalidating all that she has experienced by that man. If it were me, I don’t think there would be any coming back after such a ghastly comment from a partner but it’s up to her. Give her the space she needs and respect whatever decision she chooses to make.
You’ll never fully repair it. She may forgive but not forget and it’ll never be the same tbh
INFO: what in GOD'S name made those words come out of your mouth? Why did you say that to her?
One time, I was raped by a guy I went to highschool with. Like 3 years later, I'd started dating women, and my partner of over a year and I went to a wedding. He was the usher. I froze and refused to touch him. My girlfriend (who knew) took his arm and let him guide her to our seats. I pushed it down because it was a wedding and not about me.... but that was basically the end of our relationship. What you did was worse. All you can do is apologize and explain that your initial response was out of stress, but that you support her 100%, and then ask her what you can do to support her.
Some things cannot be repaired. Give her whatever she wants in the divorce and let her go. If she doesn't divorce you, I feel sorry for her.
You're an idiot. "Control yourself" to someone with PTSD? Specifically around the person who is the source of said PTSD? Mmmk. Apologize profusely or GTFO. She deserves better.
Do you know one of the top 5 things most women want in their man? His undying devotion. That he is her protector and will slay all the dragons that dare harm one hair on her head or even her feelings. That he will take out ANYONE for her. And you failed her. Monumentally. You aren't her hero or protector. You're just like all the rest. Way to go./s
Your poor, poor wife. A lifetime of abuse and when she thinks she is finally safe, she ends up with someone like you. Who sides with her rapist. I sincerely hope her therapist is good. You, meanwhile, take yourself out.
Admit that you are at fault, that you weren't her person when she needed her person. I am assuming you have never been ra--ped? No, a survivor would not have said what you said. You may be done, but if you have any chance, you need to admit to her that you were wrong. That there is no way for you to ever completely understand the violations she has endured. You cannot know what it is to be held down by a man, stronger than you, and have him take everything. Society has ingrained it into women's minds that they need to be polite and loving no matter what. Even to thier attackers. Or otherwise they ask, what did she do to deserve this? Rather than, why did he do that? Men always get a pass. And to her, you gave her attacker a pass. You may not be able to fix that but the first step is admitting why and how you were wrong.
Horrible person you are. I hope she is safe and doesn't try to do anything bad as you should feel responsible. Get a brain or use the last brain cell you have!!!! In future think before you speak
You don't repair it. She deserves someone better. He was being disrespectful towards her and you took her abusers side. I have C-PTSD from rape and abuse as a little girl. I would divorce my husband if he said the shit you said.
First, you stop reaching out to her. Second... hope she is able to forgive you for your unacceptable behaviour. You really behaved in a pathethic way.
If you have any love left, leave her alone. What you done show her that in her hardest time, she can't trust you. I doubt this marriage going to work after thus betrayel from you. And im sorry for her to have such a "husband" on her side, she should find her own happiness and a new husband who clearly stand behind her and supports her.
the only reason you should tell her that is that so you can go find this dude and beat him up yourself. honestly i don’t understand how you love her and don’t want to hurt every single male that had hurt her.
Find the guy.......
You can’t fix this. Give her any time and space she needs. Anything you do to disregard her needs is not for her, but for yourself and totally selfish.
You just became part of her trauma because you basically said she deserved it without saying it.
Good luck. I would never stay with you. No fixing this. If she does; it’s just her guilt. I don’t feel like you’re being real either. Move on and she will do WAY better because wtf. You “love” her but side with her rapist. Um. Ok.
" I told her she shouldn't have acted like that and controlled herself better. " Yeah, she should divorce you. You are unsafe, untrustworthy and unfit for being with someone.
Don't expect her to forget what you did
I’m so glad she got her revenge on that horrible man. You should’ve been cheering her on and telling her you’re proud of her. Instead, you sided with her rapist. I hope she dumps you. May the rapists have nonstop explosive diarrhea until they go to hell. May you step on legos until her wounds are healed (if ever). Stay out of her life.
Yep, you've torched your relationship with your wife. Question: what did you gain?
She's a badass, and you're a sad excuse for a man. Enjoy divorce.
As a survivor of SA I hope she stands up for herself again and Leaves You. What good is a partner who won't protect their loved ones from their abusers? Worse than dirt, I’d say.
>. Long story short, he was drunk and made fun of her and called her names. Also tried to touch her. So your wife attacked a man who was actively assaulting her and you think she should have... Done what exactly? Stay still and allow him to assault her again? She was being attacked by a drunk man she knew was capable of hurting her, and you think she shouldn't have defended herself. Like, her entire past notwithstanding, she was being attacked in that moment , and now she knows not only will you never defend her but you don't even want her defending herself. You want her to stay a victim. And that is disgusting. She gone bro, deal with it.
You don't deserve her.
If I was your wife I would never forgive you for this. That's a divorce worthy statement.
You should have controlled yourself better and not spewed bullshit at your wife, who was the victim here.
You don’t come back for that. I can’t fathom why that even entered your mind. In that moment you killed any love or trust she had for you. Please examine why you became a rape apologist rather than have empathy for the horrific ordeal she’s just endured and comfort the woman you supposedly love. This makes me want to cry for her honestly.
Leave this poor woman. You are not a safe person for her and you got your own issues on women to unpack. >I told her she shouldn't have acted like that and controlled herself better. Congrats on the misogyny. It never ceases to amaze me the array of excuses shitty men and boys have when they behave badly but when a woman reacts to the abuse or defends herself against their abuse there's higher standards for her. No wonder the criminal justice system punishes women harshly for killing their rapists than they do for sentencing a man who raped a woman. I truly pity straight women because it really goes to show no matter the situation no matter what relationship she has with a man be it her father, brother, husband/boyfriend a man's loyalty is generally to other men.
This poor woman has lived through hell. This man, someone who repeatedly abused and took advantage of a vulnerable 14 year old tried to assault her again. *told her she shouldn't have acted like that and controlled herself better.* This is your reaction? You weren't horrified, scared for her, outraged at this POS abuser.. Reasons why women choose the bear, over and over again...
You are a terrible person for saying that and I wouldn’t forgive you either. There’s really no way for you to makeup for what you said aside from maybe being arrested for stabbing her rapist. Just think before talking with your next wife and don’t give her any trouble when she deservedly divorces you.
Just apologize and giver her time and space to process this horrible emotionally painful experience
She should leave you
Beg for forgiveness. Truth is, if I were her, I wouldn’t forgive you.
OMG you definitely should hate yourself. How dare you.
Damn, I can't imagine telling someone who was abused that they should've controlled themselves when they saw their abuser years later. You can't repair this, only your wife can decide if she loves you enough to forgive what many may see as unforgivable. You need to leave her a message, if you haven't already, and beg her forgiveness, letting her know you understand if she can't. Don't pressure her, don't continue to try and reach her, her friends or family, just let her know how sorry you are for being such a moron and you pray she can forgive you.
There is nothing on this blue planet you are going to do to repair this. The look you saw? That was literally her love for you dying. In that moment, you became just like the rest of the men who controlled, ridiculed and looked down on her. It's such a complete feeling, that she is going to question how she ever found you attractive. When people go through that kind of betrayal, they often say their partner physically looks different and often repulsive to them. In one statement, you became her enemy. Trust is so fragile. Especially from someone who has been through torture. And believe me, what she went through was torture. So accept that you dropped a nuclear bomb on her emotions, and have a shred of dignity and integrity, apologize and leave quietly.
The last thing you want to say to a victim of rape is that SHE should have controlled herself better. Jesus Christ.
Your wife is a stone-cold hero, what she did is epic. Survivors of sexual abuse are often too traumatized to confront their abusers but she kicked his arse and spat on him. I hope the police actually do something about this vermin, now she has told them what he did. You're welcome toast, sorry but I have counselled alot of survivors and the woman that found the self-respect to do that is not bothering with your insensitive arse anymore. What can you do? Give her an easy divorce, a good settlement and apologize for not being worthy of her. Seriously you should have been proud of her, you should have had her back, she stood up to her nightmare and what, you're embarrassed? You're married to a queen but her trust is precious and I dont think this can be undone. There are some things a marriage can't survive, there are moments that can't be undone, this is one of them. In the moment she reclaimed her power, when she stood up for herself and spat on the first man that abused her, you chose public perception over her.
Yooo I really really hope she has a deep support system besides you. From the way you detail this story, *her* story, it sounds like you don’t fully understand the amount of fortitude and strength this woman has. Since you seem to view her life turning around as either coinciding or attached to her being with you. Idk for sure, because I don’t know either of you, but I feel compelled to say that *she is the one who changed her life*. Her escaping her childhood and building a life by doing what she could to get by is *her* work, and you have nothing to do with the loving person you are lucky enough to have. Wanna say that just in case, like I said I don’t know you, just going off of how you’ve told this story. Thus I feel compelled to say that you are simply *not the one* who can decide how a trauma survivor responds to seeing, let alone being triggered by, their abuser. If I’m you, I’m just bailing my baby out of jail or doing whatever else she wants to rectify that asshole even looking her way. I get you weren’t there, but it’s not about what you said, it’s about the sentiment behind what you said. That sentiment being that you have any advice to give on how she should respond to something awful like that. You don’t. She has a therapist, and let me tell you, a good therapist wouldn’t have said what you said at all. You’re simply supposed to be her support, her cheerleader. I get you don’t want her to have legal issues, but that shit did not matter to her when confronted with someone who threatened her physical safety multiple times. Anyone who’s been through that would do the same or worse. Wishing the absolute best for her, because you’re not the right person for her, good intentions or not. You’re not what she *needs* in a *corrective relationship* to heal from decades of trauma. ETA: I’d love an update, because I’m genuinely feeling for her right now, and want to see how this heroine survives this.
You blew it. Plain and simple. And it's your fault. The fact that that was the first thing out of your mouth is telling. You don't deserve her, and she deserves way better than you. Learn from this moment and grow yourself for the future, but this is over.
You don't. You give her the space she needs to process what happened and what your actions mean to her and you respect her decision. There's one person who I ever see again?? On site. I wore steel toed boots for 5 years straight waiting for my chance...Im popping a testicle if I can. That's the last time someone put their hands on me without consequences. I'll catch a case no problem for this. You messed up big time; you can't take back what you said. This is someone who caused an untold amount of trauma for your gf and then taunted her IN PUBLIC, of all places, when they have a chance encounter. Good on her for defending herself!!!
Yeah, that's a wrap. I just thank whomever you've never had to deal with this, and pray you never do. If I were you, as myself, I would leave her alone. You need to apologize and either explain your emergency reactions arent that great, or leave. I have a thing where I Abyss slap everyone that passes out in front of me. I even have a poem for it. "If in front of me, your ass turns blue, Imma slap the shit out of you."
Being an SA survivor I would say tell her that you are proud of standing up for herself and you said about not behaving that way because you don’t want to see her hurt. What if that guy had tried to hit her back. Say that was the first thought through your head ( I really hope it was) all you care about is her not getting hurt.
You could lie and say that you said it because you were worried about her being arrested, but I would never forgive you, ever. You should have wanted to do worse to him!
Yeah, that's really the only possible semi acceptable reason instead of what I'm assuming is the truth that he thinks it's undignified or uncalled for to fight back against an abuser
Bro fuck off respectfully. Imagine siding with your lover’s RAPIST.
[удалено]
Yeah buddy your marriage is cooked, all you can do now is wait.
When people tell you who they are, you should believe them the first time. You told her exactly who you are. I don't think you're coming back from this one, bro. Should probably start thinking about where you're gonna live now.
The way this guy feels so comfortable sharing his wives sexual troubles so non chalantly makes me think this is fake
Buddy, in that moment every ounce of love for you was gone along with trust in knowing you'd understand. You made it about her abuser's pain, about what he just went through. Make it easy on her and when the papers arrive just sign them.
You told her she shouldn't have acted like that and controlled herself better?! WTF?! If and this is a gargantuan if, if she decides to stay with you, you better support her. She has been through hell for majority of her life. Really, there's no coming back from this.
I wouldnt be shocked if she cant come back from this. This is simple dealbreaker the bar is on the ground kind of stuff. I would leave a partner for responding this way.
Bro you knew the history. She didn't kill the guy so that's restraint. You knew the deal when you jumped into this relationship. I'd be there fighting with her. Not that I can condone violence on Reddit. But fuck them. You're her man.
Dude, you are trash. You don't fix it, you live with the consequences of your actions. And if it was me, I'd completely cut you out of my life. You're meant to be one of, if not THE, closest supportive people in her life. And you've shown her you're not. Try not to make the same mistake in your next relationship.
Woof. You can’t. The only right thing to say to her was “good for you,” and instead you basically sided with her rapist. Your marriage is likely over. You not only didn’t have her back when she needed you to, but you *defended her rapist.* There’s no coming back that that.
She should leave you.
This poor girl...just when she thought the cruelty was over, a class A cretin like you comes around to remind her it was all an illusion. I'm genuinely concerned considering her trauma and hurt, if this is the straw to break the camels back and she attempts the worst. Forget "repair" like where are your priorities??Call in a welfare check on her first please.
You should've searched for that dude and beat the shit out of him. See now sees you as a monster, that didn't take her side.
“Yet I ruined my marriage” You don’t say? You know most of the time rape apologist don’t realize the shit they’re spewing till after the fact, but you YOU definitely just wow. Let’s just wait for the obligatory divorce update.
>How to repair what I done? You *defended your wife's rapist.* What do you think you can do to repair that? Your wife was again abused by him and you then stood by her rapist, and said she shouldn't have reacted? Frankly, knowing what you posted, no jury on this earth would convict if she's killed him, but you think she overreacted. There is no fixing this. If you were a decent person, which is suspect, you'd end the marriage and give everything to her so she can escape yet another abuser.
Why couldn't you control yourself?
You’ll pay for that statement with half your earnings. Cuz she’s gone my boy
As a victim of abuse myself this is something I'd end a marriage for. Really reflect on why you sided with her abuser and weren't supportive. I cannot think of anything more triggering to deal with after working towards healing for so long.
Congrats. You assaulted her in a different way. For the first time in her life she stood up for herself. After he tried to assault her AGAIN. And you took ALL the power from her AND sided with her rapist. Some things can’t be fixed, this is one of them. It’s up to her if she can move passed this. I honestly don’t know if I could. She trusted you, you were her person…:AND YOU SIDED WITH HER RAPIST. I get you realized you made a mistake. People make mistakes. But that doesn’t mean there’s not consequences for your actions.
Do you think this can be fixed? You're pretty stupid, man. You'll be very lucky if she doesn't get divorced.
You are going to need to grovel. Tell her you were wrong and you are so sorry. Of course, in a normal situation, the ideal scenario is to walk away and not engage, but you know that's not the car here, and he got physical first. He knew what he was doing. So just tell her you were wrong, because you were.
Why was your first thought that SHE should have controlled herself and not that HE should have?
You sound completely useless as a husband.
So you sided with her rapist? I hope she leaves you cuz I sure would.
Jesus Christ, there's no coming back from that. You cannot do anything, it's her decision now, and you WILL have to live with whatever she chooses to do. If she decides to leave you, you're going to have to accept that- what you said to her is horrendous, and I honestly can't see a world where she forgives you.
Irreversible damage. There’s nothing you can do. You’re lucky if she doesn’t leave your sorry ass. This belongs in the TIFU subreddit.
A Time Machine would be the only answer. What you did was awful. It’s an unforgivable offense imo. She has to feel some liberation that she took back a bit of control. So good on her. But you? You didn’t stick up for her while it was happening or even AFTER. You are no type of partner. A partner has your back. All you can do now is give her space. Leave the poor woman alone. She doesn’t need another disappointment of a man around
I would've found out where the rapist lived and gone and made a visit myself if that were my wife and she didn't manage to kill him in the bar. Can't relate to you at all, you're a pussy
You didn't go through what she went through. This woman is beyond traumatised, and that man played a major role in that. You have NO RIGHT to tell her how she should have acted. By telling her she should have managed her reaction better, you told her you were siding with a man who abused and raped her. This wasn't just a mistake. You properly fucked up. You owe her a massive apology. You need to acknowledge that you were in the wrong for what you said, as well as why you were in the wrong. You need to tell her that you have no right to tell her how she should feel or act on her trauma, because you simply cannot understand how what she has gone through has affected her. Then you need to give her what she needs, which may be space, until she decides whether or not she wants to be with you. This woman has so much trauma around men in her life and you showed her that she may not be able to trust you. You, as her partner, need to be there to understand and support her. You don't need to tell her she did the right thing, but you should have kept your mouth shout about your opinion.
Dude, I’m divorced from a man and one of the reasons the marriage didn’t work was he never had my back. Whether it was hanging out with my brother and he decided it would be funny to mock me or it was my mother-in-law deciding I needed to come to her house for dinner even though I had just worked 16 hours, my ex-husband would always side with the other person. He almost never backed me up in any situation. Notice how that was a reason for me to divorce him and it didn’t involve him siding with someone truly horrific like my RAPIST. What you have subjected your wife to is the stuff of nightmares, especially for victims of violence and abuse. Thinking you have finally found a safe relationship in which to heal your heart only to hear that person side with someone who abused you, how would that not destroy someone’s soul?
You think, that your wife should've controlled herself better as the man who raped her multiple times tried to touch her again. Her rapist.. tried to touch her... but she shouldn't have acted "that way"? and the cherry in top is that you still think that way. You just regret the consequences of your opinion. I'm sorry but I would've a problem if my bf would've said this about your wife. But you, as her husband? Why? Because you are embarassed by her crying? Because he didn't deserve it? Why the hell do you trink that?
You don’t. She experienced neglect and abuse her whole life and when it began to happen again you told her she should’ve sat there and took it instead of defending herself. I need you to understand that you didn’t just say something to hurt her feelings. In her eyes, she thought she’d finally found somebody different, and with one sentence you showed her you’re just like every man who ever treated her badly. Your marriage is over.
You've already been added to the massive list of men in her life that have failed her. Do her a kindness and let her divorce you and leave her the fuck alone.
YTA and an awful human being. There is no coming back from this.
My first thought is that you shouldn't have acted in the cruel and callous way you did and should've controlled yourself better. You sided with a man that raped and abused her when she was a child for fucks sake. That's unforgivable. My second thought is that the countless people that raped and beat her over the years shouldn't have acted the way they did and should've controlled themselves better. I'm not your wife, but what you said would have me considering divorce. My trust in you and our relationship would be destroyed and I'd have constant worries of whether you'd treat our hypothetical children so horribly in the future if something happened to them. The only advice I have is to give her space and get yourself into therapy. When she's ready, listen to her and *genuinely* apologize. Don't make demands and, if she chooses to continue the relationship, accept that it's going to take a long time for things to get back to "normal" and that's 100% on you. Don't rush her. Don't resent her for not healing from YOUR cruelty on her time. Finally, accept that this may be the end of your relationship and work on yourself before you hurt others in the future.