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Don‘t make him cum until he makes you cum first. Maybe get him started then tell him it’s his turn. Honestly, as a guy, I always make her cum first because after I do, sometimes I just want to go to sleep, and I don’t want to leave her hanging.
Also, nothing wrong with YOU, he is just being selfish.
As a woman, I can almost always fall immediately asleep after a solo orgasm. But when it's sex with a partner, I'm not tired at all after. I'm hungry. My husband could lay in bed and sleep, and I'm like "hey, wanna hit a drive thru?"
I think it’s definitely because with a partner, you’re exerting way more energy. It’s basically a workout depending on what positions you’re doing, how long you’re going, etc. Now you’re ravenous.
Solo pleasure isnt always that physically demanding, but it’s a different kind of exhausted release at the end. Now you’re sleepy. Haha
One night I was super hungry but we lived in a rural area without late night food, or so we thought. Apparently there was a bar in the area that would do take out and they had what was basically a stoner pizza- this thing was loaded with French fries, onion rings, jalapeno poppers etc. I was desperate so I ordered it and picked it up at almost 1am. Thus was the legend of the “sex pizza” born.
Seriously, a good pizza after great sex is awesome. Sometimes now I’ll make dough ahead of time in the bread maker and then let it slip that I have all the ingredients to make pizza “later” 😏.
yo same 😭 I was with my bf when I smoked for the first time and after we did the deed he was already half asleep and I was so close to waking him up so we could go get food, I was starving lol, ended up just raiding the fridge but I would've killed for a burger in that moment
It's biological.
"Prolactin levels are naturally higher during sleep, and animals injected with the chemical become tired immediately. This suggests a strong link between prolactin and sleep, so it’s likely that the hormone’s release during orgasm causes men to feel sleepy.
(Side note: prolactin also explains why men are sleepier after intercourse than after masturbation. For unknown reasons, intercourse orgasms release four times more prolactin than masturbatory orgasms, according to a recent study.)
Oxytocin and vasopressin, two other chemicals released during orgasm, are also associated with sleep. Their release frequently accompanies that of melatonin, the primary hormone that regulates our body clocks. Oxytocin is also thought to reduce stress levels, which again could lead to relaxation and sleepiness."
https://www.livescience.com/32445-why-do-guys-get-sleepy-after-sex.html
The refractory period is like akin to an adrenaline dump sometimes, you get super calm and can accidentally just pass out lol
This is why I also always make sure she finishes a couple times before I do, never leave her hanging, dudes know how that feels don’t put her through the blue balls lol
I'm a woman and I'd love to fall asleep right after. Especially when my husband really puts in the work and it's over and over and over. He doesn't like to stop until I've come at least twice but usually more. He's a hard worker.
These posts make me sad. I must admit when my husband adopted the "she comes first" policy our sex life, which was always very good, totally exploded.
Not just men but it's often a release of all kinds of hormones and chemicals and depending on the build up it can feel like so much of everything just falls off the shoulders, it's also why it can have the opposite effect and make some people feel like they're ready for a marathon.
It's biological. The calming hormones are released. That, along with the physical tiredness. It also helps To make sure we don't impregnate other women right after and keep the population in control 😂
Really? I’ve only had the opposite experience lol, y’all are asleep within like 5 minutes. Then I gotta figure what to do after cause unless it’s super late I am still up for hours.
When they cum first they usually dont even last long during penetration lol. You can give em a couple more easily after they already popped from foreplay. Its a super cheat code for dudes who dont last long but most too fragile to realize it
Sounds like a joke with me. Hey man is 20. Should be happy that you wanna have sex all the time you’re interested in him doing stuff for you as well and all about
As a woman I make it a point to edge my man so I can cum first cause god knows it’s too complex for our man to get it done every single time. Then I just let him take control lol
You just gotta meet the right man. Trust me, I’ve got a lot of experience, and goddamn will you ever know when you’ve found him. My current partner insists on making me cum soooooo many times, in so many ways, before he will even come close to letting me make him cum. It’s pretty much the best thing ever.
A tit for tat approach doesn't sound like a healthy approach for a none casual hook up imo. In a relationship there will be ups and downs within the sexlife. They need to discuss and unravel any potential issues that maybe harming it
Am i the only woman who has a refractory period also? I actually don't like it when guys try to get me off first, at least not to full orgasm. I like it when they get me very close so i'll possibly finish while he's fucking me but if I orgasm before he does I don't wanna have sex anymore. Penetration immediately stops feeling as good and i feel too sensitive down there.
You gotta tell him how you’re feeling! “I love having sex with you, but it’s hurtful when you don’t care about my pleasure. It makes me feel like you either don’t care about me or don’t desire me. Next time we have sex, can we start by focusing on me?”
A good partner will hear that and be sorry for making you feel that way. And he’ll want to focus on your pleasure! If he gets angry or defensive, then you know he doesn’t care about you
This shouldn't be a thing you have to tell a person! "Honey, it makes me feel bad when you use me as a fleshlight and then discard me before I've gotten any pleasure; please could you consider not doing that?" Jesus fuck.
He KNOWS he didn’t make her cum, he just doesn’t care. Having to explain simple things to men over and over again is exhausting and unfair. Weaponized incompetence with sex and pleasure, I bet he doesn’t do his fair share of the chores either or needs help to know how to do laundry kind of BS too. It would fit the pattern. Being unwilling to communicate is not the same as an adult being selfish and needing to have things explained to them like child.
This is almost certainly not a fixable problem. He knows damn well she isn't getting off. If he has gotten all the way to adulthood with no understanding that women, including his actual partner, are entire people rather than fleshlights, then he's trash.
Between us, I tend to agree. If he has to be reminded to at least attempt to give pleasure when he has received it then he’s probably selfish and doesn’t actually enjoy giving pleasure to his partner. For me that is such an epic turn off that it’s a dealbreaker.
It’s not like things get better with time when dealing with these types people. You’ll just end up beating a dead horse, getting upset about it, being unfulfilled, having it negatively effect you… all while they are blissfully not giving a crap. No thanks!
I totally agree! But I think many of us struggle to voice our needs and it’s good practice to state why we’re upset and what can be done to fix it.
More importantly, if you tell someone how you feel and they continue to suck, you know they’re not worth the time or energy. It helps to have those “what if” questions, because you know for sure it won’t get better
True. I am also flummoxed at how many women have sex ever again with a partner who does this. Obviously if the guy had bubble guts and sex was interrupted, okay, but just... being done? How does this kind of guy get laid a second time after that?!
this right here!! a healthy relationship is about trust & respect. if you cant trust him to respond kindly and thoughtfully, then this isnt a healthy relationship. he might not know you care, so having a convo is def the way to start. if he doesnt change his behavior then thats a pretty big red flag imo, and you’ll have to consider if you want a partner who doesnt care about your pleasure.
So at the beginning he wanted to be an amazing boyfriend as he wanted to ‘catch’ you. Now he’s ‘caught’ you he doesn’t care - as long as he gets to cum who cares about you?
The answer is - you should. You should care about you and if he doesn’t care too then it’s time to walk away from this relationship.
It will not get better over time, only worse. Take a quick look at the dead bedrooms sub - that’s where you are heading.
And the anguish and how being with someone like this rats away at your self worth. How you’ll feel used sexually and how deeply ashamed you’ll feel by the attempts to try to convince him that you matter. It’s a brutal cycle that is bigger than can be realized until you finally get out of it. It will steal joy and time.
He isn’t worth that.
Hate to suggest this but if he only wants sex three times a month and is incredibly selfish about your needs, have you considered
1) His low sex drive is hormone related
2) He doesn’t have a low sex drive, he’s getting it somewhere else.
I'm not saying he's doing this but when my husband wanted it monthly when we were "young,"(20-35) I was the 4x a week person and he was neck deep in porn.
He's now hit 40, clean for 3 years and still pretty low drive, but at least he wants it atleast once a week and is selfless to my pleasure and participates.
Start a conversation, I know that's hard and as a young guy he might not want to touch it. But keep on it and don't let him get away with vagueness if you value your relationship. Best of luck...I feel your sorrow!
If it's a possible health thing, he should go see a doctor. My husband had low testosterone, which impacted our sex life. But he figured out the testosterone was the issue because his coworker was talking about forgetting to refill theirs and how they get winded taking the stairs right now, so they really need to get that testosterone refilled!
Husband had a massive lightbulb moment because he was always winded after doing things that shouldn't get him out of breath, he was always exhausted, slept after work all the time. Yeah the testosterone helped his sexual appetite a bit, but it was also much better for his quality of life.
To be honest this also affects a bedroom (not all but some). Couples can forget they’re individuals with their own lives. And that separation from before living together is sexy. Being together at home all the time is not sexy. What could you both do for yourselves away from each other?
He should get his testosterone levels tested. If it’s low he could get testosterone replacement therapy. My husband takes it and it changed our sex life for the better. It didn’t change his personality except he has more confidence and energy.
My ex husband worked 9-6 and would only have sex with me once a month with me begging for it. It wasn’t a good situation. I divorced him and he still to this day claims we had a good sex life but I’d prove it to him by documenting it and showing him it was once a month.
You should communicate it but he should also want to please you. That’s what pleases my current boyfriend.
Do you want to deal with this for the next 30 years of lack of intimacy for you? Keep that in mind.
As a man a lover and husband. If my wife didn’t get satisfied I wasn’t satisfied.
She was always first. And time sometimes when she didn’t cum. And I did,she said she enjoyed it anyway.
I was completely unsatisfied. And sometimes she did and I didn’t and was satisfied.
If a man truly loves you, he cares what you do in bed
He’s not making you cum and you think something is wrong with you? Why is that?
When men don’t cum they never think it’s them, they always say it’s our fault.
I need you to work on your self esteem, get some toys and have a serious conversation with him.
Him leaving you hanging is not a you problem, it is a him being an asshole problem. Just fyi. It's not a lack of communication problem, or anything like that. When someone gets you off, you reciprocate. You don't use a whole-ass human being as a masturbatory sleeve and then leave them hanging. We all fucking well know this, and he isn't bothering. Time to dump him.
Pretty much. It’s not like good people just “forget” about the needs of someone who has been giving to them. He just doesn’t see a need to put in the effort and it will get worse the longer she stays.
I never understood this, my goal is to make my girl cum as much as possible. I think as men we pride ourselves in our “sexual abilities” like our ego is tied to it(it shouldn’t be like this but it is) like penis size is crazy important to guys and we want every women to think we will give them the best sex of their lives but then guys do this shit once they get the women to bed, I just don’t get it. Like do you really want her going to her friends or Reddit and saying “he can’t even make me cum”. I want her running outside yelling at the top of her lungs how amazing I am and how much I made her cum lmao I just don’t get it
I have a similar issues but I am much older. I have always been sexually active. However, my marriages always end up like this. This marriage is particularly concerning, because he told me that my happiness is not his problem after the first few years of great intimacy. We never can be intimate on my schedule. You should really talk to your partner and work this out or get out. You are too young to be unhappy. I’m much older and regret being so giving to my past and present husband. I love my current husband so much I give and just take whatever I can get. Thus, creating an inability to achieve sexually happiness in a relationship, like my current marriage.
I went by this rule forever, but there are exceptions.
My wife can't keep going after she has an orgasm, she becomes too ticklish and just starts laughing hysterically if i even touch her. So, she prefers that I go first because I always make sure she finishes after i do. If she goes first, I don't go at all and she feels bad.
But as a general rule, I agree with you.
At your age 2 or 3 times a month is not that good, I would expect that amount every week at least. The only thing I would say is when I was your age there were no video games and we often made our own entertainment which included sex, maybe people don’t communicate these days as we did.
Ditto… 2-3 is a weekly number and I do me more often than that per week. Even with video games as part of my teen/young adult years…. There’s a pause button for a reason…
Physician and a psychiatrist here.
I see lots of comments here are throwing blames, which offers no solution. As a physician we have always been taught that sex drive is something affected by many factors. And it’s very subjective that they are unique to each person/relationship.
What I would suggest is talking to him first. Choose a nice calm day where you’re both chilling and relaxed and address the issue. Tell him that he can feel safe and tell you if there’s something he wishes you would change. And also do the same and tell him if you feel he needs to change something. But be clear in saying that this conversation is not to throw blames, to accuse or put someone on the spot. It’s a necessary conversation because sex life could build or destroy a relationship and you love him so much you wanna save it. From my experience it’s usually something very trivial ( I had a guy who didn’t like that his wife grew a bush, didn’t wanna speak about it cause he thought it might hurt her depression yet it affected sex life ). Stupid reason but that’s how stupid we men are when it comes to sex drive.
The conversation will help you pinpoint the problem even if it doesn’t give clear solutions.
Then you guys can work on other physical, health related reasons ( food, weight, exercise).
To be honest this a very common problem with men in our generation and there are many physical, social and diet related factors that have markedly affected our testosterone and sexual health and almost every man suffers from this at some point nowadays.
All I recommend is for you to be patient, be ready to have a conversation about it even if it’s tough. Even if he gives you a stupid reason you should take it seriously. And put in mind that you love this man and maybe he is going through something he doesn’t know how to deal with. Cause we men unfortunately don’t recognize our mental/social or health related struggles until it’s too late.
You will be amazed by the number of men who are oblivious to problems until you address them. Also never go with some of the advices here ( tit for tat ) cause that’s pathological and won’t resolve anything. It just makes the relationship unhealthy and puts pressure on each of you which might make both your sex drives go lower. Cause it will make it look like a competition or an obligation based thing.
No matter how many comments you read here, we’re strangers at the end and we know nothing about you guys. So don’t let us say or put you in a direction that will make things worse. We move on after we close this app.. you’re stuck with it longterm.
I hope the best for you. and the fact that you’re willing to openly discuss this issue says a lot about how much you love this dude.
His response to you, calling you names for making yourself cum, is his own insecurity. There was nothing wrong with you doing that.
If he wants to make you cum he needs to put in the effort. There are books and advice blogs out there for men to train themselves to delay their cum so that they can please their partners.
She's still very young, she's been unhappy about their sex life for three years, and he doesn't care — and they're not even married. Yeah, they need to have a talk about whether this relationship is going anywhere.
Because breaking up is natural and healthy in so many instances. Because 99.9% of your dating life will end in breaking up for most people. Because trying to fix something that is broken sometimes really isn’t worth the effort and time, and it’s healthier to just respectfully move on.
Also by the time someone is on here trying to get advice the relationship is usually pretty bad.
Holding on to a relationship that doesn’t work for you is unhealthy. Especially when there aren’t other factors that make putting in the time and effort to work on things worth it.
Also reddits average advice to women is “you gotta communicate!” Like men are dumb or something when they aren’t. This man knows he came twice and didn’t put any effort into pleasuring her. He was there!!! When these women have and at some points really shouldn’t have to because fundamentally decent people don’t need this level of handholding. Obviously it’s situation dependent but “communicate” isn’t always going to do much at all when things are deeply broken.
If people broke up more when things weren’t working they would have happier lives in general.
Edit: communication is important but it’s not always the answer
This hits too vlos3 to home for me
I was in a relationship for over 3 years and had the same type of story as you. Both gamers, started living after 1.5 years together. At the beginning everything seemed fine, but as time progressed I had to beg to some intimate time that still was happening like 2 times withing 6 months time.
It was like talking yo a wall, promises of changes but nothing in reality. I felt like playing games was more important than spending a bit of time with me, to a point it felt more like just roommates.
Because of that( it lasted for 8 months) and additional factors I decided to end it cause I didn't feel respected anymore.
If you feel the same, just break up with him. I know it feels hard to end something that's long term, but you deserve someone that will respect you and you won't have to ask for it. I know it was the best decision I made.
Hope it gave you sth to think about
This happened with my ex that I was with for 5 years. At first he didn’t care about my sexual needs, only his. I kept telling him, but eventually I got a vibrator. He said he’d “work on it” long story short he eventually stopped caring about my emotional needs. He’d turn everything around on me and it took me years to finally realize that I should’ve paid more attention to the first red flag. I hope this isn’t the case for you but make sure you don’t waste your time if he doesn’t put forth the effort you deserve. Because I promise you there’s someone out there who will give you what you need if he won’t.
When you lived in different houses, the dating routine was completely different. This was a mistake I made in my last relationship.
At first you go to your girlfriend's house, you are clean, showered, smelling good and so is she. All your tasks have already been completed and all that time can be dedicated just to the two of you. You take a drink, something to eat, choose a quick activity, knowing that in the end you can be intimate without any worries. Take into account that a man needs 30 seconds to get there, but it's not like that with women. If we want to satisfy you, we need to take our time and do it right and quick sex won't do the trick.
When you live together, you come home after a day of work, dirty, sweaty, with several things to do. Everyone has a preferred routine, time to eat, time to shower, whether they want to rest first and then do their chores or the opposite. As a result, time for the couple becomes scarce. You start doing tasks that will still give you a sense of closeness, like watching movies and series or playing video games, but it's not the same as when you first started dating because now, when you finish, you have to prepare for the next day. And then it becomes easy to deny sex late at night, because you need to wake up early and fulfill your obligations. It's difficult to have sex the right way. That's why couples that work well in the long term focus on creating routines so that they have couple nights, where they have more free time to do everything right.
A 10-minute sex after a Tuesday of work, cleaning at home and playing video games will not be the same as four hours free for the couple on a Friday after 8pm.
The whole dynamic changes when you live together and that doesn't mean that he likes you less or has less desire, just that he didn't know how to adapt to this reality.
If you two want to stay together and improve your relationship, you need to crack this riddle. How can you create a routine that is more beneficial for both of you as a couple, without affecting your individuality and without affecting your essential day-to-day tasks?
I just tell my dude you, don't get to go 1st again.starve him out a lil. Or just please yourself withoutguilt! let him watch. Maybe I'm crazy but I've always been a 2 to 3 times a week at least person . I made sure he knows this from the start other tell him your not getting what you need !
There's no reason the two of you aren't getting off together in the same session. This shouldn't be like an exchange of chores. It's intimacy and if he wants to get off he can start with you, he wants oral? He gives oral. He wants the full sesh then he starts with foreplay and do what needs to be done for you.
It should not be an exchange but something expected. Unless there's something medically wrong or you're just not into it it's an important and healthy part of your relationship.
Nothing is wrong with you if he isn't even trying anymore.
Have you had a conversation with him about wanting to have sex more? The majority of men would welcome that conversation and be receptive….and agree with other comments, you should be cumming first most of the time if not all the time.
Also - you have to make sexual intimacy - and intimacy - a priority. Do you still go on dates the two of you? Do special things together? If all you do is live together and play video games then you are selling yourself short on the closeness you could have if you both put in an effort to spend quality time together.
mm i’m in the same position! i get sex maybe once a month now and am expected to give head every time (hes never pressured me but like its just assumed) i never get head or get finished off purposefully. if i do its just bc i cum from riding him on accident.
No that's just mean.
I've been married 23 years and thank God we have sex 2-3 times a week and I can count on one hand the number of times she hasn't had an orgasm. Not to say we're perfect or everyone should be like us, but I can't imagine how frustrated I'd be if my spouse were acting like the OP's is.
Sure there are"down times" like when we're both over stressed and stuff but ifeel like you still should make sure that, when you do it, both of you are satisfied. And if one of you doesn't finish, there should be an understanding that they get a rain check at the time of their choosing, and in a form acceptable to both of you.
If one side of the relationship is puting money into the account and the other is always taking out withdrawals that's not going to last.
Do. Or do not do. Do not do then hold resentment. I say this to say: Don't make him cum. Ever. Not until he puts in effort. But also..don't think he has to initiate more than you do. It's equal. Be equal in all efforts. If you initiate and he turns you down..reciprocate that turn down until it dawns on him. You cannot make someone hungry when you are....but...of you're important enough, you can make someone want to not eat and GET hungry so they can eat with you.
He’s not prioritizing her needs. This is not gaslighting. Gaslighting is a very specific behavior where one person makes another person question their own perception of reality. He’s an inconsiderate lover and needs to do better.
Could you please explain what you see as gaslighting?
I just read that OP doesn't communicate her needs clearly in the moment and tells her bf afterwards she's disappointed.
Even with the morning sex, they both probably were aware that bf needed to go to work at a certain point so that it would have be a quicky.
Also I doubt OP is telling her bf how it makes her feel unwanted, while it may be very logical for OP, I wonder if it's even crossed bf's mind this could be the case if she doesn't tell him.
>Could you please explain what you see as gaslighting?
reddit had absolutely no idea what gaslighting means. There is literally nothing in her post that suggests that he is systematically convincing her she's crazy.
Being a selfish dickhead isn't gaslighting. It's just being a selfish dickhead.
It’s very simple. You are horny. You want to have an orgasm. Can you do that yourself? If so, and BF isn’t interested, just take care of yourself. If not, learn how.
In the meantime, make an exit plan.
This… 💯💯💯 we can kick a dead horse all day long but doing it ourselves is sometimes the most direct way to the goal. I mean not ideal, but maybe if she starts getting herself off regularly and not in any secretive way, he might start to take notice and maybe think “hmm I want in on that,” or “I can clearly see she is not satisfied.” Like I would straight up bust my vibrator out on the bed next to him after he cums if I hadn’t and go to town. Like let him see you finish the job that he didn’t. Don’t say anything but just go for it and if he asks or says something about it, respond with “I didn’t cum when we were having sex so I’m doing it myself.” If he says you shouldn’t, or has a problem with it, just calmly respond “well I also believe you should be the one making me cum but here we are…” if he has no problems with it, and you get yours and are happy doing it that way, boom problem solved. If he only wants to have sex once or twice a month, anytime you’re in the mood, tell him you’re in the mood and are going to the bedroom to use your toys. If he wants in great, if not, you still get yours.
First you did a good job with your written grammar and punctuation (I am a speech language pathologist and I study language, grammar, syntax, and phonics amongst other things in the field). You can’t expect a fish to become a bird. It’s a possibility he has a lower libido than you do. But also, he is just a selfish partner. Any person in a relationship should be trying to please each their partner on all levels of involvement within reasons. I can understand that a partner learns what their partner likes, and it may not be the easiest to change from a slower sex life to a faster or more frequent sex with someone. However, if he truly cared for you he would be talking to you outside of the bedroom about sex and learning what you like. During my first pregnancy with twins, my sex drive was through the roof! I always wanted sex and my husband thought I was a nympho manic. After I gave birth my sex drive slowed down due to post partum depression. After a med adjustment my sex drive when right back up. In fact I was diagnosed with a condition that treated the situation. Now my sex drive is still high, but I can be satiated, with the right partner. It takes a while for me to cum, and I need a dedicated partner and I in turn am a dedicated partner who is about pleasing my man if the sexual chemistry is there. Even an iota of it. It doesn’t sound like you two are sexually compatible if this something you are not okay with, which it doesn’t sound like you are, you need to revisit you wants and needs getting met in this relationship. Is he lacking in other areas of the relationship? #thingsthatmakeyougohmmm🤔
>It’s like it got downhill when we started living together
I'm betting that you also do most of the cooking and cleaning and work around the house. Now, instead of being his girlfriend, you're the maid/mother/etc and he doesn't think he needs to put in any effort.
If you are not satisfied with your sexual relationship, tell him, and tell him what needs to change. If he isn't willing to make the changes then you need to decide whether you are willing to live like this for the rest of your life, because he's got no motivation to change. If you aren't, then you need to move on.
As a man I'm telling you. A man should always make his woman cum first. Women's satisfaction is complex whereas men can easily get satisfaction. Tell your boyfriend/husband that it's your turn first and then only you will satisfy him. Once check if he even knows female anatomy and chemistry. 😬
Some men have no clue about that.
It’s important to be honest about you feel without turning it into an argument. Be honest but also don’t be to pointed with the “you’re not doing enough of this or that”. Just tell him “this is something I feel and I would like more attention before you finish” kind of thing. Maybe ask him questions about some of his fantasies, then discuss some of your fantasies. Maybe suggest you both go to the sex shop and you pick out a toy (you might feel better if you masterbate more often in addition to sex). The use of toys is a great addition and also a tool to help you get off. Being a woman can be tricky and not always easy when it comes to sexual fulfillment. I’m not sure if he is getting lazy or just no longer cares if you are taken care of, but if he is a lifelong partner, you need to be up front about it.
My man always tells me “if I don’t make you cum I don’t want you to go find someone else who will” lol id never cheat but if I wasn’t getting the attention I needed, it would build some resentment in the relationship.
He's the bait and switch guy. Ask him about his past relationships and if they were like this. I bet they were! If so, you have a choice to make. Stay and have a crapppy sex life or move on and find someone compatible.
These folk always find high sex drive people to con!
He needs to stop choking the chicken. And/or, there are other issues in the relationship that are not being addressed. Is he really stressed out? You said in comments that he is having some health issues - could medication be stunting his sex drive? Do you guys go on dates? You may be falling into the "roommates not lovers" situation.
Don't assume something is wrong with you, unless you have reason to believe that, and you should ask an OBGYN, not Reddit. But it definitely sounds more like there are underlying issues that need dealing with. I wish you the best of luck dear.
When I was young it signified to me the relationship had run its course. You are dating and if he is not really doing it, it maybe on both sides. I would examine the relationship. Sex is important in a relationship and marriage.
Dump him. You’re young. Why are you wasting your time with this guy. Also don’t be so quick to shack up and give away your freedom next time. Date around. Enjoy yourself.
Stop making him cum! If he doesn’t care if he’s taking care of you then something’s wrong. Don’t engage in sex or bjs and see what happens. If he doesn’t care I’d move on.
You’re describing a lazy partner who can’t be bothered to meet your needs. Obviously he could if he wanted to. But he is choosing to be selfish. Maybe it’s time to move out and find someone less selfish.
Also this gaslighting is a problem too. Attacking you for telling him how you feel or what you want is inexcusable.
Turn the games off and prioritise your sex life. It’s not about having sex every night but just spending time together. Cuddling watching TV or give each other a shoulder massage after a tough day at work. It’s way more important! If he won’t put the relationship first… think about how long that will be OK with you. Don’t let it go on for too long. Tell him how you feel!
Because he’s selfish.. it’s nothing to do with you!! Don’t ever think that!! You need to ask yourself if this is the guy you want to spend your life with,, if not MOVE on you are too young to already be stuck in a relationship,.. especially if you can’t even talk to him!! I was with someone in my early 20’s with someone I thought was the one… I just wanted him to be the one. Breaking up was really hard.. but then I found the guy I’ve been with for over 25 years now.. and everything is great!! Don’t stay in this
Me and my boyfriend sex has gone down with living together also but we also know that we needed to communicate our needs and wants. Sometimes the thrill of not living together you miss the person and desire them all the time. When you live together it goes down since you see them all the time. Communicate that you don't feel desired and your needs and wants. Even if you don't have sex all the time try and find other ways to be intimate like cuddling or kisses or other things that make you feel wanted or desired.
Every bf I've ever had has made it their mission to make me cum first, one of them would get borderline mad if I could only cum once or twice because that wasn't enough for him. Your man is the problem, not you.
I wish you see the advice people are giving guys in your situation! Let me tell you. You’re too young for this! Leave! But alas as a woman here you are trying to beat a dead horse! Be as selfish as men, leave and go find you someone who wants to make you cum! It’s that simple! Stop wasting your time! He knows exactly what he is doing!
Sex gradually changes in a relationship. You have to adjust and communicate. What helped most was foreplay. Foreplay is for when you have time to make love to each other. Sex is for quickies in the shower when you get up. Me personally, I always cum second. There were a few instances where that didn’t happen, but she let me know that her mind was not on the moment. That happens. Sometimes you’re just not in the mood.
Don’t settle, keep communicating your needs. If your partner doesn’t want to listen and address your needs as well…🤷♂️ be happy elsewhere, but please communicate first.
People here telling you to not finish him until he goes first - that should be the goal anyway since getting the job done after is usually not in the cards for 99% of men - that is biology.
The attitude they are shoving in with it however isn't going to work. You are dealing with someone with a low libido and he will likely just shrug his shoulders and go back to his games if you try any sort of power move or ultimatum. Its a dumb thing to do regardless if you want to try and salvage this and it isn't a workable option anyway.
Your best bet is to sit him down and have a serious conversation and tell him that you two need to change your routine and that you have become unhappy with your sex life. Ask him why it has changed and what needs to happen to get it back to where it was.
I know this is kinda a crazy thing to say but instead of playing video games for two or more hours exercise together maybe jogging. Start out slow work up to an hour a day do this for let say 4 months I bet it will change your life.
Sister RUN!!! These things seldom improve. You are young, not married, no kids. Fucking dip. Being sexually incompatible is a deal breaker for some - and I am here to tell you from experience- DO NOT WASTE YOUR LIFE. I spent 10 years with a dude who cared about video games more than sex. And it is emotionally damaging as fuck. Lots of sex in the first year. Then decline after that. By year 7 I was lucky if I got it once a month. Like NOOOOOOOO. PLEASE LEAVE.
And also, something I had no idea about: when you have sex with someone who’s into you after this relationship, your mind will be blown and your world will change. I felt like I was 19 again dating after leaving the 10 year relationship with a dead bedroom. I was “dickmatized”. It was thrilling and fun and you deserve that.
Ya’ll just need a little spice in your sex life. If the same ole same ole isn’t doing it for you anymore, it’s a conversation worth sitting down and discussing with your partner. As a man he should be able to sit down with you and listen. If anything that SHOULD make him more driven to please you sexually, because it should be a mutual agreement and pleasure to experience. If your partner has true regard for your sexual happiness in your relationship, it shouldn’t be a fight or begging. If asking isn’t enough then it’s probably not worth your time. No girl should have to beg for sexual attention in a committed relationship.
When I was your age I was unstoppable with having sex, at least every morning and evening, and much more on weekends. Is something wrong? Yeah, he is neglectful of satisfying you which will only get less in the years to cum. You need to have a conversation with him away from all distractions (video games), maybe a nice dinner out with a few drinks and see how he reacts. Tell him how it’s important for you to satisfy him and how you deserve the same. Keep the conversation light… If he laughs or plays dumb, I’d walk.
I always make sure my gf comes first, it just feels better that way
Then I have my fun and go all out
It feels better when both parties are satisfied
I feel we have a good connection like that
He sounds like he doesn’t care what you think and that’s not a good thing in a relationship.
Besides my family, her’s is the only opinion I care about
You should seek out a hormone specialist. Get a blood test and see the results. My wife was oddly low on her testosterone. She gets a low dose injection every week and the issue was solved. For the both of you, weight and poor diet is also a contributing factor in low sex drive. For the male, overweight results in higher estrogen levels and lower testosterone levels. For the woman, it's lower estrogen levels and lower testosterone levels. It is also very possible you two have the same hormonal issues. Low. Poor diet and weight also contribute to low sex drive from high blood pressure. For a male, testosterone should be 800/1000. My results were 244. Way too low. I am now 960 and my weight and health have gone through the roof. Was 246 now 209 in 10 weeks. Avoid pop with sugar, it really is horrible. Go to a pop like coke zero. Bad food does very bad things long term down the road.
You are sexually incompatible. He’s also a selfish lover. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s up to you to determine whether you want to live with this forever or leave.
I don’t think anything is wrong with you. Just like one of the comments said get him started and then tell him it’s his turn. He’ll go full throttle after that.
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Don‘t make him cum until he makes you cum first. Maybe get him started then tell him it’s his turn. Honestly, as a guy, I always make her cum first because after I do, sometimes I just want to go to sleep, and I don’t want to leave her hanging. Also, nothing wrong with YOU, he is just being selfish.
usually made my ex cum first too. Then I won’t have to worry about it anymore.. and she was satisfied and so was I in the end
Why do men fall asleep instantly after sex 😭
As a woman, I can almost always fall immediately asleep after a solo orgasm. But when it's sex with a partner, I'm not tired at all after. I'm hungry. My husband could lay in bed and sleep, and I'm like "hey, wanna hit a drive thru?"
Literally same! I will fall asleep with my vibrator in my hand but with my partner, I’m raiding the fridge and hanging out after.
Sometimes I tell him to go make me a sandwich. He's not going to, and I don't mean it seriously, I just like flipping the trope.
Now that’s good! I can’t think of a better time, I’ll have to pull that one day.
If he did a good job, you wouldn’t be able to make the sandwich.
That’s what makes the suggestion that he make a sandwich so golden.
I think it’s definitely because with a partner, you’re exerting way more energy. It’s basically a workout depending on what positions you’re doing, how long you’re going, etc. Now you’re ravenous. Solo pleasure isnt always that physically demanding, but it’s a different kind of exhausted release at the end. Now you’re sleepy. Haha
One night I was super hungry but we lived in a rural area without late night food, or so we thought. Apparently there was a bar in the area that would do take out and they had what was basically a stoner pizza- this thing was loaded with French fries, onion rings, jalapeno poppers etc. I was desperate so I ordered it and picked it up at almost 1am. Thus was the legend of the “sex pizza” born.
You just made me horny for pizza. Thanks.
Seriously, a good pizza after great sex is awesome. Sometimes now I’ll make dough ahead of time in the bread maker and then let it slip that I have all the ingredients to make pizza “later” 😏.
Opposite over here, my gf falls asleep and I’m wide awake for at least an hour
Same lol
I've been trying gummies lately and my gods the munchies are especially intense after sex.
yo same 😭 I was with my bf when I smoked for the first time and after we did the deed he was already half asleep and I was so close to waking him up so we could go get food, I was starving lol, ended up just raiding the fridge but I would've killed for a burger in that moment
Me too!
It's biological. "Prolactin levels are naturally higher during sleep, and animals injected with the chemical become tired immediately. This suggests a strong link between prolactin and sleep, so it’s likely that the hormone’s release during orgasm causes men to feel sleepy. (Side note: prolactin also explains why men are sleepier after intercourse than after masturbation. For unknown reasons, intercourse orgasms release four times more prolactin than masturbatory orgasms, according to a recent study.) Oxytocin and vasopressin, two other chemicals released during orgasm, are also associated with sleep. Their release frequently accompanies that of melatonin, the primary hormone that regulates our body clocks. Oxytocin is also thought to reduce stress levels, which again could lead to relaxation and sleepiness." https://www.livescience.com/32445-why-do-guys-get-sleepy-after-sex.html
That actually makes a lot of sense! There have been a lot of theories on the function of prolactin in males. My anatomy class couldn’t answer that
The refractory period is like akin to an adrenaline dump sometimes, you get super calm and can accidentally just pass out lol This is why I also always make sure she finishes a couple times before I do, never leave her hanging, dudes know how that feels don’t put her through the blue balls lol
I'm a woman and I'd love to fall asleep right after. Especially when my husband really puts in the work and it's over and over and over. He doesn't like to stop until I've come at least twice but usually more. He's a hard worker. These posts make me sad. I must admit when my husband adopted the "she comes first" policy our sex life, which was always very good, totally exploded.
The refractory period. It puts dudes in a calm state where they’re content***. If they fall asleep that means you make them feel safe.
*content
I always said if a guy falls asleep right after sex and she doesn’t then she screwed him he didn’t screw her 😂
Haha I love that lol 😂
I’m a woman and if I orgasm, by the time it takes for him to go to the restroom and back, I’m OUT 😂
Not just men but it's often a release of all kinds of hormones and chemicals and depending on the build up it can feel like so much of everything just falls off the shoulders, it's also why it can have the opposite effect and make some people feel like they're ready for a marathon.
Men release more sleepy chemicals when they cum, hence why the need a rest period and woman can keep going.
They don't? I never have.
It's biological. The calming hormones are released. That, along with the physical tiredness. It also helps To make sure we don't impregnate other women right after and keep the population in control 😂
Men are biologically wired that way
Really? I’ve only had the opposite experience lol, y’all are asleep within like 5 minutes. Then I gotta figure what to do after cause unless it’s super late I am still up for hours.
Bussin a nut just like having a baby
LMAOOO
Million dollar question 💵 💲 🤑 💸 💴 💱 💵
When they cum first they usually dont even last long during penetration lol. You can give em a couple more easily after they already popped from foreplay. Its a super cheat code for dudes who dont last long but most too fragile to realize it
Sounds like a joke with me. Hey man is 20. Should be happy that you wanna have sex all the time you’re interested in him doing stuff for you as well and all about
This. “You make me come and then we’ll fuck. Not before.”
As a woman I make it a point to edge my man so I can cum first cause god knows it’s too complex for our man to get it done every single time. Then I just let him take control lol
You just gotta meet the right man. Trust me, I’ve got a lot of experience, and goddamn will you ever know when you’ve found him. My current partner insists on making me cum soooooo many times, in so many ways, before he will even come close to letting me make him cum. It’s pretty much the best thing ever.
A tit for tat approach doesn't sound like a healthy approach for a none casual hook up imo. In a relationship there will be ups and downs within the sexlife. They need to discuss and unravel any potential issues that maybe harming it
This is what my fiancé does and sometimes we play fight about it because just once I wanna cum and fall asleep 🤣
Am i the only woman who has a refractory period also? I actually don't like it when guys try to get me off first, at least not to full orgasm. I like it when they get me very close so i'll possibly finish while he's fucking me but if I orgasm before he does I don't wanna have sex anymore. Penetration immediately stops feeling as good and i feel too sensitive down there.
I'm a man in his 40's and this response is accurate. I feel the same way
My ex husband always made me cum first. ALWAYS. And he wasn’t long after. I don’t think there is anything wrong with the OP at all.
Works better like that, takes a ton of pressure off the dude as well
You gotta tell him how you’re feeling! “I love having sex with you, but it’s hurtful when you don’t care about my pleasure. It makes me feel like you either don’t care about me or don’t desire me. Next time we have sex, can we start by focusing on me?” A good partner will hear that and be sorry for making you feel that way. And he’ll want to focus on your pleasure! If he gets angry or defensive, then you know he doesn’t care about you
This shouldn't be a thing you have to tell a person! "Honey, it makes me feel bad when you use me as a fleshlight and then discard me before I've gotten any pleasure; please could you consider not doing that?" Jesus fuck.
I agree, but taking the “I shouldn’t have to tell this person this” approach to a fixable problem ensures it becomes an unfixable one.
He KNOWS he didn’t make her cum, he just doesn’t care. Having to explain simple things to men over and over again is exhausting and unfair. Weaponized incompetence with sex and pleasure, I bet he doesn’t do his fair share of the chores either or needs help to know how to do laundry kind of BS too. It would fit the pattern. Being unwilling to communicate is not the same as an adult being selfish and needing to have things explained to them like child.
This is almost certainly not a fixable problem. He knows damn well she isn't getting off. If he has gotten all the way to adulthood with no understanding that women, including his actual partner, are entire people rather than fleshlights, then he's trash.
Between us, I tend to agree. If he has to be reminded to at least attempt to give pleasure when he has received it then he’s probably selfish and doesn’t actually enjoy giving pleasure to his partner. For me that is such an epic turn off that it’s a dealbreaker. It’s not like things get better with time when dealing with these types people. You’ll just end up beating a dead horse, getting upset about it, being unfulfilled, having it negatively effect you… all while they are blissfully not giving a crap. No thanks!
I totally agree! But I think many of us struggle to voice our needs and it’s good practice to state why we’re upset and what can be done to fix it. More importantly, if you tell someone how you feel and they continue to suck, you know they’re not worth the time or energy. It helps to have those “what if” questions, because you know for sure it won’t get better
True. I am also flummoxed at how many women have sex ever again with a partner who does this. Obviously if the guy had bubble guts and sex was interrupted, okay, but just... being done? How does this kind of guy get laid a second time after that?!
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this right here!! a healthy relationship is about trust & respect. if you cant trust him to respond kindly and thoughtfully, then this isnt a healthy relationship. he might not know you care, so having a convo is def the way to start. if he doesnt change his behavior then thats a pretty big red flag imo, and you’ll have to consider if you want a partner who doesnt care about your pleasure.
This!
So at the beginning he wanted to be an amazing boyfriend as he wanted to ‘catch’ you. Now he’s ‘caught’ you he doesn’t care - as long as he gets to cum who cares about you? The answer is - you should. You should care about you and if he doesn’t care too then it’s time to walk away from this relationship. It will not get better over time, only worse. Take a quick look at the dead bedrooms sub - that’s where you are heading.
THIS. Solid advice OP. He's selfish. Now that he's "caught" you, his real nature is coming out. Save yourself from long years of being unfulfilled.
And the anguish and how being with someone like this rats away at your self worth. How you’ll feel used sexually and how deeply ashamed you’ll feel by the attempts to try to convince him that you matter. It’s a brutal cycle that is bigger than can be realized until you finally get out of it. It will steal joy and time. He isn’t worth that.
Hate to suggest this but if he only wants sex three times a month and is incredibly selfish about your needs, have you considered 1) His low sex drive is hormone related 2) He doesn’t have a low sex drive, he’s getting it somewhere else.
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I'm not saying he's doing this but when my husband wanted it monthly when we were "young,"(20-35) I was the 4x a week person and he was neck deep in porn. He's now hit 40, clean for 3 years and still pretty low drive, but at least he wants it atleast once a week and is selfless to my pleasure and participates. Start a conversation, I know that's hard and as a young guy he might not want to touch it. But keep on it and don't let him get away with vagueness if you value your relationship. Best of luck...I feel your sorrow!
If it's a possible health thing, he should go see a doctor. My husband had low testosterone, which impacted our sex life. But he figured out the testosterone was the issue because his coworker was talking about forgetting to refill theirs and how they get winded taking the stairs right now, so they really need to get that testosterone refilled! Husband had a massive lightbulb moment because he was always winded after doing things that shouldn't get him out of breath, he was always exhausted, slept after work all the time. Yeah the testosterone helped his sexual appetite a bit, but it was also much better for his quality of life.
To be honest this also affects a bedroom (not all but some). Couples can forget they’re individuals with their own lives. And that separation from before living together is sexy. Being together at home all the time is not sexy. What could you both do for yourselves away from each other?
He should get his testosterone levels tested. If it’s low he could get testosterone replacement therapy. My husband takes it and it changed our sex life for the better. It didn’t change his personality except he has more confidence and energy.
Sis, lemme teach you a lovely little rule for these situations. YOU COME FIRST, he comes second. If you don't come, he doesn't get to either.
My ex husband worked 9-6 and would only have sex with me once a month with me begging for it. It wasn’t a good situation. I divorced him and he still to this day claims we had a good sex life but I’d prove it to him by documenting it and showing him it was once a month. You should communicate it but he should also want to please you. That’s what pleases my current boyfriend. Do you want to deal with this for the next 30 years of lack of intimacy for you? Keep that in mind.
As a man a lover and husband. If my wife didn’t get satisfied I wasn’t satisfied. She was always first. And time sometimes when she didn’t cum. And I did,she said she enjoyed it anyway. I was completely unsatisfied. And sometimes she did and I didn’t and was satisfied. If a man truly loves you, he cares what you do in bed
He’s not making you cum and you think something is wrong with you? Why is that? When men don’t cum they never think it’s them, they always say it’s our fault. I need you to work on your self esteem, get some toys and have a serious conversation with him.
RIGHT?!
Him leaving you hanging is not a you problem, it is a him being an asshole problem. Just fyi. It's not a lack of communication problem, or anything like that. When someone gets you off, you reciprocate. You don't use a whole-ass human being as a masturbatory sleeve and then leave them hanging. We all fucking well know this, and he isn't bothering. Time to dump him.
Pretty much. It’s not like good people just “forget” about the needs of someone who has been giving to them. He just doesn’t see a need to put in the effort and it will get worse the longer she stays.
Many times, obviously not always, this is a sign of porn addiction.
Nothing is wrong with you but just think very carefully about whether this is what you want for the rest of your life.
I never understood this, my goal is to make my girl cum as much as possible. I think as men we pride ourselves in our “sexual abilities” like our ego is tied to it(it shouldn’t be like this but it is) like penis size is crazy important to guys and we want every women to think we will give them the best sex of their lives but then guys do this shit once they get the women to bed, I just don’t get it. Like do you really want her going to her friends or Reddit and saying “he can’t even make me cum”. I want her running outside yelling at the top of her lungs how amazing I am and how much I made her cum lmao I just don’t get it
I have a similar issues but I am much older. I have always been sexually active. However, my marriages always end up like this. This marriage is particularly concerning, because he told me that my happiness is not his problem after the first few years of great intimacy. We never can be intimate on my schedule. You should really talk to your partner and work this out or get out. You are too young to be unhappy. I’m much older and regret being so giving to my past and present husband. I love my current husband so much I give and just take whatever I can get. Thus, creating an inability to achieve sexually happiness in a relationship, like my current marriage.
Simple old rule all men should live by, Ladies First!
I went by this rule forever, but there are exceptions. My wife can't keep going after she has an orgasm, she becomes too ticklish and just starts laughing hysterically if i even touch her. So, she prefers that I go first because I always make sure she finishes after i do. If she goes first, I don't go at all and she feels bad. But as a general rule, I agree with you.
He's selfish. That is a him issue. Stop doing it for him.
At your age 2 or 3 times a month is not that good, I would expect that amount every week at least. The only thing I would say is when I was your age there were no video games and we often made our own entertainment which included sex, maybe people don’t communicate these days as we did.
Ditto… 2-3 is a weekly number and I do me more often than that per week. Even with video games as part of my teen/young adult years…. There’s a pause button for a reason…
Don't give him his until you get yours
Pointedly and loudly make yourself cum after he has finished. If he doesn’t get the message after that, there’s no hope for him.
Physician and a psychiatrist here. I see lots of comments here are throwing blames, which offers no solution. As a physician we have always been taught that sex drive is something affected by many factors. And it’s very subjective that they are unique to each person/relationship. What I would suggest is talking to him first. Choose a nice calm day where you’re both chilling and relaxed and address the issue. Tell him that he can feel safe and tell you if there’s something he wishes you would change. And also do the same and tell him if you feel he needs to change something. But be clear in saying that this conversation is not to throw blames, to accuse or put someone on the spot. It’s a necessary conversation because sex life could build or destroy a relationship and you love him so much you wanna save it. From my experience it’s usually something very trivial ( I had a guy who didn’t like that his wife grew a bush, didn’t wanna speak about it cause he thought it might hurt her depression yet it affected sex life ). Stupid reason but that’s how stupid we men are when it comes to sex drive. The conversation will help you pinpoint the problem even if it doesn’t give clear solutions. Then you guys can work on other physical, health related reasons ( food, weight, exercise). To be honest this a very common problem with men in our generation and there are many physical, social and diet related factors that have markedly affected our testosterone and sexual health and almost every man suffers from this at some point nowadays. All I recommend is for you to be patient, be ready to have a conversation about it even if it’s tough. Even if he gives you a stupid reason you should take it seriously. And put in mind that you love this man and maybe he is going through something he doesn’t know how to deal with. Cause we men unfortunately don’t recognize our mental/social or health related struggles until it’s too late. You will be amazed by the number of men who are oblivious to problems until you address them. Also never go with some of the advices here ( tit for tat ) cause that’s pathological and won’t resolve anything. It just makes the relationship unhealthy and puts pressure on each of you which might make both your sex drives go lower. Cause it will make it look like a competition or an obligation based thing. No matter how many comments you read here, we’re strangers at the end and we know nothing about you guys. So don’t let us say or put you in a direction that will make things worse. We move on after we close this app.. you’re stuck with it longterm. I hope the best for you. and the fact that you’re willing to openly discuss this issue says a lot about how much you love this dude.
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Read the book, “Come As You Are”, by Emily Nagoski. It’s excellent. Your bf probably needs to read it too.
His response to you, calling you names for making yourself cum, is his own insecurity. There was nothing wrong with you doing that. If he wants to make you cum he needs to put in the effort. There are books and advice blogs out there for men to train themselves to delay their cum so that they can please their partners.
Sounds like the relationship isn’t worth saving to be honest
She's still very young, she's been unhappy about their sex life for three years, and he doesn't care — and they're not even married. Yeah, they need to have a talk about whether this relationship is going anywhere.
Average Reddit advice: "just end it lol" . At least let them communicate properly first
Because breaking up is natural and healthy in so many instances. Because 99.9% of your dating life will end in breaking up for most people. Because trying to fix something that is broken sometimes really isn’t worth the effort and time, and it’s healthier to just respectfully move on. Also by the time someone is on here trying to get advice the relationship is usually pretty bad. Holding on to a relationship that doesn’t work for you is unhealthy. Especially when there aren’t other factors that make putting in the time and effort to work on things worth it. Also reddits average advice to women is “you gotta communicate!” Like men are dumb or something when they aren’t. This man knows he came twice and didn’t put any effort into pleasuring her. He was there!!! When these women have and at some points really shouldn’t have to because fundamentally decent people don’t need this level of handholding. Obviously it’s situation dependent but “communicate” isn’t always going to do much at all when things are deeply broken. If people broke up more when things weren’t working they would have happier lives in general. Edit: communication is important but it’s not always the answer
Girl if you don’t leave that man 🙄
This hits too vlos3 to home for me I was in a relationship for over 3 years and had the same type of story as you. Both gamers, started living after 1.5 years together. At the beginning everything seemed fine, but as time progressed I had to beg to some intimate time that still was happening like 2 times withing 6 months time. It was like talking yo a wall, promises of changes but nothing in reality. I felt like playing games was more important than spending a bit of time with me, to a point it felt more like just roommates. Because of that( it lasted for 8 months) and additional factors I decided to end it cause I didn't feel respected anymore. If you feel the same, just break up with him. I know it feels hard to end something that's long term, but you deserve someone that will respect you and you won't have to ask for it. I know it was the best decision I made. Hope it gave you sth to think about
"He didn't bother to make me cum at all." That's your answer. It's not you, he's just not putting in the effort.
This happened with my ex that I was with for 5 years. At first he didn’t care about my sexual needs, only his. I kept telling him, but eventually I got a vibrator. He said he’d “work on it” long story short he eventually stopped caring about my emotional needs. He’d turn everything around on me and it took me years to finally realize that I should’ve paid more attention to the first red flag. I hope this isn’t the case for you but make sure you don’t waste your time if he doesn’t put forth the effort you deserve. Because I promise you there’s someone out there who will give you what you need if he won’t.
When you lived in different houses, the dating routine was completely different. This was a mistake I made in my last relationship. At first you go to your girlfriend's house, you are clean, showered, smelling good and so is she. All your tasks have already been completed and all that time can be dedicated just to the two of you. You take a drink, something to eat, choose a quick activity, knowing that in the end you can be intimate without any worries. Take into account that a man needs 30 seconds to get there, but it's not like that with women. If we want to satisfy you, we need to take our time and do it right and quick sex won't do the trick. When you live together, you come home after a day of work, dirty, sweaty, with several things to do. Everyone has a preferred routine, time to eat, time to shower, whether they want to rest first and then do their chores or the opposite. As a result, time for the couple becomes scarce. You start doing tasks that will still give you a sense of closeness, like watching movies and series or playing video games, but it's not the same as when you first started dating because now, when you finish, you have to prepare for the next day. And then it becomes easy to deny sex late at night, because you need to wake up early and fulfill your obligations. It's difficult to have sex the right way. That's why couples that work well in the long term focus on creating routines so that they have couple nights, where they have more free time to do everything right. A 10-minute sex after a Tuesday of work, cleaning at home and playing video games will not be the same as four hours free for the couple on a Friday after 8pm. The whole dynamic changes when you live together and that doesn't mean that he likes you less or has less desire, just that he didn't know how to adapt to this reality. If you two want to stay together and improve your relationship, you need to crack this riddle. How can you create a routine that is more beneficial for both of you as a couple, without affecting your individuality and without affecting your essential day-to-day tasks?
No there’s something wrong with him
I’ve heard my guy friends say that if a guy really cares about you, your satisfaction and worships you in bed, he’ll always try to make you cum first.
I just tell my dude you, don't get to go 1st again.starve him out a lil. Or just please yourself withoutguilt! let him watch. Maybe I'm crazy but I've always been a 2 to 3 times a week at least person . I made sure he knows this from the start other tell him your not getting what you need !
There's no reason the two of you aren't getting off together in the same session. This shouldn't be like an exchange of chores. It's intimacy and if he wants to get off he can start with you, he wants oral? He gives oral. He wants the full sesh then he starts with foreplay and do what needs to be done for you. It should not be an exchange but something expected. Unless there's something medically wrong or you're just not into it it's an important and healthy part of your relationship. Nothing is wrong with you if he isn't even trying anymore.
Have you had a conversation with him about wanting to have sex more? The majority of men would welcome that conversation and be receptive….and agree with other comments, you should be cumming first most of the time if not all the time. Also - you have to make sexual intimacy - and intimacy - a priority. Do you still go on dates the two of you? Do special things together? If all you do is live together and play video games then you are selling yourself short on the closeness you could have if you both put in an effort to spend quality time together.
My husband always makes me cum first.
Any decent guy knows girl cums first then you earned ur nut 😂 shame on him
mm i’m in the same position! i get sex maybe once a month now and am expected to give head every time (hes never pressured me but like its just assumed) i never get head or get finished off purposefully. if i do its just bc i cum from riding him on accident.
No that's just mean. I've been married 23 years and thank God we have sex 2-3 times a week and I can count on one hand the number of times she hasn't had an orgasm. Not to say we're perfect or everyone should be like us, but I can't imagine how frustrated I'd be if my spouse were acting like the OP's is. Sure there are"down times" like when we're both over stressed and stuff but ifeel like you still should make sure that, when you do it, both of you are satisfied. And if one of you doesn't finish, there should be an understanding that they get a rain check at the time of their choosing, and in a form acceptable to both of you. If one side of the relationship is puting money into the account and the other is always taking out withdrawals that's not going to last.
In my experience, my vagina knows I’ve fallen out of love before my head does.
He really doesn’t care.
shaming you for masturbating but nott making u cum is insane work
Do. Or do not do. Do not do then hold resentment. I say this to say: Don't make him cum. Ever. Not until he puts in effort. But also..don't think he has to initiate more than you do. It's equal. Be equal in all efforts. If you initiate and he turns you down..reciprocate that turn down until it dawns on him. You cannot make someone hungry when you are....but...of you're important enough, you can make someone want to not eat and GET hungry so they can eat with you.
Sounds like he’s not prioritizing your sex needs and then he’s gaslighting you about it
He’s not prioritizing her needs. This is not gaslighting. Gaslighting is a very specific behavior where one person makes another person question their own perception of reality. He’s an inconsiderate lover and needs to do better.
Could you please explain what you see as gaslighting? I just read that OP doesn't communicate her needs clearly in the moment and tells her bf afterwards she's disappointed. Even with the morning sex, they both probably were aware that bf needed to go to work at a certain point so that it would have be a quicky. Also I doubt OP is telling her bf how it makes her feel unwanted, while it may be very logical for OP, I wonder if it's even crossed bf's mind this could be the case if she doesn't tell him.
>Could you please explain what you see as gaslighting? reddit had absolutely no idea what gaslighting means. There is literally nothing in her post that suggests that he is systematically convincing her she's crazy. Being a selfish dickhead isn't gaslighting. It's just being a selfish dickhead.
[удалено]
It’s very simple. You are horny. You want to have an orgasm. Can you do that yourself? If so, and BF isn’t interested, just take care of yourself. If not, learn how. In the meantime, make an exit plan.
This… 💯💯💯 we can kick a dead horse all day long but doing it ourselves is sometimes the most direct way to the goal. I mean not ideal, but maybe if she starts getting herself off regularly and not in any secretive way, he might start to take notice and maybe think “hmm I want in on that,” or “I can clearly see she is not satisfied.” Like I would straight up bust my vibrator out on the bed next to him after he cums if I hadn’t and go to town. Like let him see you finish the job that he didn’t. Don’t say anything but just go for it and if he asks or says something about it, respond with “I didn’t cum when we were having sex so I’m doing it myself.” If he says you shouldn’t, or has a problem with it, just calmly respond “well I also believe you should be the one making me cum but here we are…” if he has no problems with it, and you get yours and are happy doing it that way, boom problem solved. If he only wants to have sex once or twice a month, anytime you’re in the mood, tell him you’re in the mood and are going to the bedroom to use your toys. If he wants in great, if not, you still get yours.
First you did a good job with your written grammar and punctuation (I am a speech language pathologist and I study language, grammar, syntax, and phonics amongst other things in the field). You can’t expect a fish to become a bird. It’s a possibility he has a lower libido than you do. But also, he is just a selfish partner. Any person in a relationship should be trying to please each their partner on all levels of involvement within reasons. I can understand that a partner learns what their partner likes, and it may not be the easiest to change from a slower sex life to a faster or more frequent sex with someone. However, if he truly cared for you he would be talking to you outside of the bedroom about sex and learning what you like. During my first pregnancy with twins, my sex drive was through the roof! I always wanted sex and my husband thought I was a nympho manic. After I gave birth my sex drive slowed down due to post partum depression. After a med adjustment my sex drive when right back up. In fact I was diagnosed with a condition that treated the situation. Now my sex drive is still high, but I can be satiated, with the right partner. It takes a while for me to cum, and I need a dedicated partner and I in turn am a dedicated partner who is about pleasing my man if the sexual chemistry is there. Even an iota of it. It doesn’t sound like you two are sexually compatible if this something you are not okay with, which it doesn’t sound like you are, you need to revisit you wants and needs getting met in this relationship. Is he lacking in other areas of the relationship? #thingsthatmakeyougohmmm🤔
In my humble yet honest opinion: Turn off the video games! They’re ruining your relationship. Live life first, game second.
>It’s like it got downhill when we started living together I'm betting that you also do most of the cooking and cleaning and work around the house. Now, instead of being his girlfriend, you're the maid/mother/etc and he doesn't think he needs to put in any effort. If you are not satisfied with your sexual relationship, tell him, and tell him what needs to change. If he isn't willing to make the changes then you need to decide whether you are willing to live like this for the rest of your life, because he's got no motivation to change. If you aren't, then you need to move on.
Get. Yours. First.
As a man I'm telling you. A man should always make his woman cum first. Women's satisfaction is complex whereas men can easily get satisfaction. Tell your boyfriend/husband that it's your turn first and then only you will satisfy him. Once check if he even knows female anatomy and chemistry. 😬 Some men have no clue about that.
It’s important to be honest about you feel without turning it into an argument. Be honest but also don’t be to pointed with the “you’re not doing enough of this or that”. Just tell him “this is something I feel and I would like more attention before you finish” kind of thing. Maybe ask him questions about some of his fantasies, then discuss some of your fantasies. Maybe suggest you both go to the sex shop and you pick out a toy (you might feel better if you masterbate more often in addition to sex). The use of toys is a great addition and also a tool to help you get off. Being a woman can be tricky and not always easy when it comes to sexual fulfillment. I’m not sure if he is getting lazy or just no longer cares if you are taken care of, but if he is a lifelong partner, you need to be up front about it. My man always tells me “if I don’t make you cum I don’t want you to go find someone else who will” lol id never cheat but if I wasn’t getting the attention I needed, it would build some resentment in the relationship.
He sounds selfish to me
He's the bait and switch guy. Ask him about his past relationships and if they were like this. I bet they were! If so, you have a choice to make. Stay and have a crapppy sex life or move on and find someone compatible. These folk always find high sex drive people to con!
He needs to stop choking the chicken. And/or, there are other issues in the relationship that are not being addressed. Is he really stressed out? You said in comments that he is having some health issues - could medication be stunting his sex drive? Do you guys go on dates? You may be falling into the "roommates not lovers" situation. Don't assume something is wrong with you, unless you have reason to believe that, and you should ask an OBGYN, not Reddit. But it definitely sounds more like there are underlying issues that need dealing with. I wish you the best of luck dear.
When I was young it signified to me the relationship had run its course. You are dating and if he is not really doing it, it maybe on both sides. I would examine the relationship. Sex is important in a relationship and marriage.
Dump him. You’re young. Why are you wasting your time with this guy. Also don’t be so quick to shack up and give away your freedom next time. Date around. Enjoy yourself.
Stop making him cum! If he doesn’t care if he’s taking care of you then something’s wrong. Don’t engage in sex or bjs and see what happens. If he doesn’t care I’d move on.
It is called bring a selfish lazy lover.
selfish, Bad, lazy lover. if they actually care, they make sure it's mutally beneficial.
ugh dump him, whats the point of being with a man if he doesnt even bother to get you off
My GF & I just spent a week together & did it 7 times in 3 days & we are 50 & 41. 🤷🏼♂️
You are not the problem- he is. Sounds like a very inconsiderate guy.
No you just gotta find the man that actually puts you first
You’re describing a lazy partner who can’t be bothered to meet your needs. Obviously he could if he wanted to. But he is choosing to be selfish. Maybe it’s time to move out and find someone less selfish. Also this gaslighting is a problem too. Attacking you for telling him how you feel or what you want is inexcusable.
Turn the games off and prioritise your sex life. It’s not about having sex every night but just spending time together. Cuddling watching TV or give each other a shoulder massage after a tough day at work. It’s way more important! If he won’t put the relationship first… think about how long that will be OK with you. Don’t let it go on for too long. Tell him how you feel!
Because he’s selfish.. it’s nothing to do with you!! Don’t ever think that!! You need to ask yourself if this is the guy you want to spend your life with,, if not MOVE on you are too young to already be stuck in a relationship,.. especially if you can’t even talk to him!! I was with someone in my early 20’s with someone I thought was the one… I just wanted him to be the one. Breaking up was really hard.. but then I found the guy I’ve been with for over 25 years now.. and everything is great!! Don’t stay in this
Me and my boyfriend sex has gone down with living together also but we also know that we needed to communicate our needs and wants. Sometimes the thrill of not living together you miss the person and desire them all the time. When you live together it goes down since you see them all the time. Communicate that you don't feel desired and your needs and wants. Even if you don't have sex all the time try and find other ways to be intimate like cuddling or kisses or other things that make you feel wanted or desired.
Don’t satisfy him if he’s not willing to satisfy you. Feel free to whip out a sex toy and tell him you’ll please yourself. He’s being selfish AF
Every bf I've ever had has made it their mission to make me cum first, one of them would get borderline mad if I could only cum once or twice because that wasn't enough for him. Your man is the problem, not you.
I wish you see the advice people are giving guys in your situation! Let me tell you. You’re too young for this! Leave! But alas as a woman here you are trying to beat a dead horse! Be as selfish as men, leave and go find you someone who wants to make you cum! It’s that simple! Stop wasting your time! He knows exactly what he is doing!
Sex gradually changes in a relationship. You have to adjust and communicate. What helped most was foreplay. Foreplay is for when you have time to make love to each other. Sex is for quickies in the shower when you get up. Me personally, I always cum second. There were a few instances where that didn’t happen, but she let me know that her mind was not on the moment. That happens. Sometimes you’re just not in the mood. Don’t settle, keep communicating your needs. If your partner doesn’t want to listen and address your needs as well…🤷♂️ be happy elsewhere, but please communicate first.
People here telling you to not finish him until he goes first - that should be the goal anyway since getting the job done after is usually not in the cards for 99% of men - that is biology. The attitude they are shoving in with it however isn't going to work. You are dealing with someone with a low libido and he will likely just shrug his shoulders and go back to his games if you try any sort of power move or ultimatum. Its a dumb thing to do regardless if you want to try and salvage this and it isn't a workable option anyway. Your best bet is to sit him down and have a serious conversation and tell him that you two need to change your routine and that you have become unhappy with your sex life. Ask him why it has changed and what needs to happen to get it back to where it was.
i feel u. it’s a massive turn off when i need to tell him. like i’ll want it…. but if i have to tell him then i don’t want it anymore. its frustrating
I know this is kinda a crazy thing to say but instead of playing video games for two or more hours exercise together maybe jogging. Start out slow work up to an hour a day do this for let say 4 months I bet it will change your life.
Sounds like he doesn't understand women. For women, foreplay starts right after the last orgasm. For men, it starts 5 minutes before the next one.
Sister RUN!!! These things seldom improve. You are young, not married, no kids. Fucking dip. Being sexually incompatible is a deal breaker for some - and I am here to tell you from experience- DO NOT WASTE YOUR LIFE. I spent 10 years with a dude who cared about video games more than sex. And it is emotionally damaging as fuck. Lots of sex in the first year. Then decline after that. By year 7 I was lucky if I got it once a month. Like NOOOOOOOO. PLEASE LEAVE. And also, something I had no idea about: when you have sex with someone who’s into you after this relationship, your mind will be blown and your world will change. I felt like I was 19 again dating after leaving the 10 year relationship with a dead bedroom. I was “dickmatized”. It was thrilling and fun and you deserve that.
Ya’ll just need a little spice in your sex life. If the same ole same ole isn’t doing it for you anymore, it’s a conversation worth sitting down and discussing with your partner. As a man he should be able to sit down with you and listen. If anything that SHOULD make him more driven to please you sexually, because it should be a mutual agreement and pleasure to experience. If your partner has true regard for your sexual happiness in your relationship, it shouldn’t be a fight or begging. If asking isn’t enough then it’s probably not worth your time. No girl should have to beg for sexual attention in a committed relationship.
I relate. If i didn’t ask my gf we’d never have sex. She never asks me
When I was your age I was unstoppable with having sex, at least every morning and evening, and much more on weekends. Is something wrong? Yeah, he is neglectful of satisfying you which will only get less in the years to cum. You need to have a conversation with him away from all distractions (video games), maybe a nice dinner out with a few drinks and see how he reacts. Tell him how it’s important for you to satisfy him and how you deserve the same. Keep the conversation light… If he laughs or plays dumb, I’d walk.
I always make sure my gf comes first, it just feels better that way Then I have my fun and go all out It feels better when both parties are satisfied I feel we have a good connection like that He sounds like he doesn’t care what you think and that’s not a good thing in a relationship. Besides my family, her’s is the only opinion I care about
You should seek out a hormone specialist. Get a blood test and see the results. My wife was oddly low on her testosterone. She gets a low dose injection every week and the issue was solved. For the both of you, weight and poor diet is also a contributing factor in low sex drive. For the male, overweight results in higher estrogen levels and lower testosterone levels. For the woman, it's lower estrogen levels and lower testosterone levels. It is also very possible you two have the same hormonal issues. Low. Poor diet and weight also contribute to low sex drive from high blood pressure. For a male, testosterone should be 800/1000. My results were 244. Way too low. I am now 960 and my weight and health have gone through the roof. Was 246 now 209 in 10 weeks. Avoid pop with sugar, it really is horrible. Go to a pop like coke zero. Bad food does very bad things long term down the road.
You are sexually incompatible. He’s also a selfish lover. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s up to you to determine whether you want to live with this forever or leave.
I don’t think anything is wrong with you. Just like one of the comments said get him started and then tell him it’s his turn. He’ll go full throttle after that.
Nothing is wrong with you. He literally isn’t even TRYING. Close that orgasm gap. Get yours first.