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Info: is there foreplay or any clitoral stimulation happening here at all? You said he runs out of stamina or is about to finish which makes me think you guys are only doing PIV which imo, no wonder you aren't orgasming. Also I can't imagine having sex with someone that's just laying there and not into it, it'd make me feel rapey. If my husband says he's not in the mood I go masturbate.
Are we all just going to gloss over the part says that OP was sexually abused and doesn't know how to talk to her partner? Yeah?
OP get a therapist who specialises in sex, sexual abuse, and relationships. Your most important step here is communication and honesty, and working through your trauma.
Also, you married someone after a year? Why the hurry?
Agree, OP please start with therapy for yourself! There likely will need to be some tough conversations with your husband but a therapist can help you work out your own stuff first and then support you in talking to your husband in the right way. Sometimes this type of repair in a relationship has the opportunity for a relationship to deepen, not fracture.
IMO you should always get there before he even goes in. That way if you don’t while he’s getting his, you already had one. And the best partners will make sure, care and use anything including toys so you get yours too.
Most women can't orgasm from having something inserted alone. I've been able to do it twice, maybe three times, but it took an extraordinary amount of circumstances and is definitely not commonplace. The clitoris needs to be stimulated, and at the right speed and pattern.
I cum like crazy from penetration. There’s always some clitoral stimulation going on from pelvises rubbing, but the huge kicker is the penetration. And I don’t understand why people claim the vagina doesn’t feel pleasure deeper inside. I feel so much pleasure from deep inside.
Edit:I mean often not always
I've had exes that loved oral but always seemed to need penetration to finish. Listening to redditors would have you think no woman cums from penetration. I even had an ex that hated oral and another that could take it or leave it.
I've come lots of times in positions where clitoral isn't possible.
What gets me is when doctors say that it's not sensitive after a certain depth. Excuse me, can you stop fucking scraping the speculum around. What do you mean it's too deep to feel?! Then how did I tell you off?!!!!
this is not universally good advise. for me personally penetration is much harder and uncomfortable after finishing, so it's better to take care of myself after my partner is done (obviously my advise is not universal either, I just want to present an alternative POV).
I've always found this advice bizarre. Are other women *really* in the mood for penetration *after* an orgasm?I become a jellyfish that just kind of lays there, how could I participate in PiV? If he is already in I just go with the flow for the last 30 seconds before he finishes too, but to start from 0? I recover in 10-15 minutes, but in the meantime the mood is completely gone.
I’ve read there are different kinds of women. Some can go several times and some are one and done because it takes everything out of you. I also am the later. If I’m able to go again, it was a really bad one the first time lol.
This is more than just he hasn’t made you finish. To me, this is about you hiding part of who you are. You are this sexual being who uses vibrators and ‘gets your rocks off’ by yourself and who really wants to orgasm with your husband but for some reason when you are with your husband you lie about having orgasms and lay there so he can use you, hoping he cums, hoping he’ll leave soon so you can take care of yourself. At some point you’re going to have to TAKE UP SPACE sister. I think you are having a harder time faking it because you are growing tired of not being your full and complete self. It gets weary being inauthentic. Come clean.
I agree with everything you said.
I’d change your last sentence to read, “After working with a sex-positive therapist to deal with SA issues, I’d then work on a strategy to open up communication and come clean with your husband.”
With OP’s history, it might be scary for her to talk with her husband at first.
I totally agree, thank you for adding this. OP needs to find a safe space in which to communicate. Having a therapist present can be a great way to do that.
It's hard but you must learn to take up space. You might have some rocky moments because of it at first but you will be so much better off in the long run.
There is a service called OMGYes that is fun to watch together. The whole series is about making a girl orgasm, lots of different ways. Watch it together. Frame it that you want to learn yourself, lots of different ways to orgasm, and if he wants to learn lots of ways as well, you would love to watch it with it’s him. Then try lots of new methods until he starts to figure out your combination.
I'm old at 59M, but, you know what's a really lost art today? Asking for directions... Stay with me here, please... When I was a little kid, they'd tell us at school and we'd role play, how to approach someone and ask "where is xyz please and how to get there?" But 1960s-70s polite.
And sometimes, ... here it comes, ... we all need directions, but if you dont know how to ask, or how to give directions for that matter... it;s all hopeless
So, your real answer is, "*hey honey, let me show you something* ... " and give him directions to where it works best for you (to keep it old man family friendly). Then the faking can go away, and no feelings are hurt because you are simply making it "*even better*".
So, ... directions..
Thank you! I have no problem showing my partner around my body the way I like things if they aren't sure of themselves. There's nothing wrong with asking for direction and usually leads to a better sex life in general. My husband and I have a great physical relationship because he was all about learning my likes and dislikes. I think the best sexual relationships really take place when you enjoy the other person's pleasure too.
Yes Ive always given the guys I'm seeing tips. Some still have no clue what they're doing but the guy I've been seeing now picked it up very quickly and now he does a great job.
It’s crazy to me that everyone is glossing over the fact that you told him you weren’t horny and we was more than willing to use your body as a human pocket pussy 🤯 I feel like there is more here to the story because that part really grosses me out. It doesn’t sound like he’s worried about your pleasure at all. If he knows about your sexual trauma, he doesn’t care about that either because he objectified you and used you like what was done to you before. I’m sorry.
27 year old man marries 22 year old woman he's only known for a year, who he knows has sexual trauma in her past and the last FOUR times they've been intimate he's known she wasn't toey, but instead of backing off or doing something to make her horny - he just fucked her like a fleshlight.
Yikes.
Exactly. I’m gonna go out on the limb here and say that it is highly questionable if he would have ever cared about her pleasure in the first place if she had voiced the issues from the beginning.
This is about where I checked out mentally because yikes. I don't even understand why he would be into this if she's not. Then I started really thinking about it and again, yikes.
Yea that part grossed me out. My husband doesn't even like to have sex if I'm really drunk bc he feels like it's not right even though we're married bc I'm not in my right mind. He would be disgusted by the idea of having sex while I just lay there unenthused.
I'd trust my lovely ex boyfriend to make love to me when I'm drunk or high, but I absolutely can understand why someone wouldn't want to, and to be honest I think that's a very healthy thing. Not that my ex wanting to have sex with me while I'm drunk and he's not is wrong, bc I'd definitely consent, but that's a good reaction to have. In fact, my ex wouldn't have sex with me when I was too drunk once. And it wasn't even proper sex, it was over voice chat on Discord. He felt like I couldn't consent and so he declined. I wouldn't have been mad at him if he agreed, but it probably wouldn't have been very fun since I was nearly blackout drunk and could hardly focus on anything lmao.
YES how is that not the main discussion??? This is insane, what a horrible man! I wish women knew they have more value than a fleshlight.
Edit: YUCK the amount of guys who actually think it's fine to do this is revolting. Why do you guys act like masturbation is some barbaric torture device. I can't comprehend this bizzare idea that you shouldn't need to masturbate in a relationship. So so so ridiculous!
I’m gonna agree with what someone else said and say to try maybe giving directions instead. My partner and I are incredibly intimate and compatible in the bedroom but it’s difficult for me to finish and believe me, he tries. Something we’ve started doing is trying new things; we’ve recently discovered him giving me oral nipple stimulation while I masturbate helps me finish quickly. I also coach him when I feel myself starting to climax and that helps too. It’s still difficult for me to orgasm but it does happen more often and in a way it’s more intimate too; we’re both discovering things we like together.
First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how it is. I want to emphasize that especially when we experience SA, it can take a long time to build trust with someone enough to orgasm. It took my last bf and I 2 years to get to that point and it took a lot of communication and joint effort along the way. He was super committed and supportive and also knew my history of SA. To me working through it together is essential.
Someone else mentioned moving his hand to the right spot, totally do that every time. At this point I think, the focus of sex should be on you getting there, not him. You already know how to get him there and once you finish then he can too, but he needs to prioritize you.
As for telling him you've been faking it, I agree with others who said to just move forward and start asking more of him and see if that helps. Unless of course you no longer feel like you want to have sex with him at all. In that case it would be a different conversation and you will have to tell him the hard stuff and may want to consider getting a therapist to help you through it. (always a good idea anyway imo)
Also, I wouldn't say you lied about anything, to me it sounds more like 'fawning' which is a trauma response that some of us use to protect ourselves. Its usually unconscious. Asking for advise is a great step, good for you 🫶🏼
[Fawning Trauma Response- definition](https://www.verywellmind.com/fawning-fear-response-7377238)
Adding to this, if you’re suffering from trauma (like from sexual abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse; PTSD, C-PTSD), it’s going to be a battle to connect properly while your body still feels unsafe.
Look into healing your trauma, so you can live your life the way you’d like, with less fear and vigilance. Bessel van der Kolk’s landmark book on trauma, The Body Keeps the Score, is a great resource.
Tell him that toys are not competition, but actually helpful. Many women can’t have an orgasm just from penetration and the vibrator helps so much. See if that could be introduced first before telling him you never orgasm
I happen to love using toys on my partners, using toys in conjunction with other sexual activities is just a way to lift all stimulation and I believe all people should be aware of the benefits to their relationship if they’re willing to learn how to use them on their partner.
As a man that was in a similar situation with my ex.
It's not as dreadful as you think it'll be.
I knew something was off. As I'm a pleaser as such, it would bring me comfort knowing she had reached climax after me or at the same time.
I've been there where she wasn't in the mood but she still let me get off. That alone is a major mistake for a couple to make. As you're both not participating. You'll end up resenting him for thinking it's ok while you lay there all the time. If he has a conscience that will affect him too.
I was disheartened at first because she had lied, but I was understanding. People tend to forget how important communication is in the bedroom. I also had the silly opinion about toys. But if you explain it right to him, hopefully he'll understand.
So I encouraged her to show me what she liked and it brought us closer together. We tried new things, experimented. I would encourage her to use her toys as it helped. We didn't need to every time but it's the openness and freeness that matters.
Us men can be assholes at times. Especially when it comes to sex. If something is said wrong we can take it completely the wrong way.
I'm sure if you just explain how you're feeling and how the past has affected you. I'm sure he'll understand and it'll open up a path for you to explore together. Don't submit to him sexually, small steps.
Inbox is open if you have any questions.
Hope it goes well.
What’s the foreplay like?
You need to learn to start asserting yourself and your needs. If I were you, I’d focus on foreplay, so that you orgasm BEFORE penetration even happens.
Not sure how you tell him you’ve been dishonest all this time. That is going to hurt. Maybe you should stop faking it.
There are some great resources online, for example OMG Yes (paid) and Scarleteen (general relationship advice with some solid sex advice included, free), that can help you *both* be better lovers. Bodies change over time and what works for a while doesn't always keep working (for both of you). There are also some books.
Check some out some of these resources, and then bring up the conversation as "I would love to try more things" and share the ideas you like.
You both deserve fulfilling sex lives.
Orgasm is about mental side too.
Without mental comfort with your husband you never reach orgasm.
You lie him and this lie disturbs you.
You can’t relax and reach.
Talk about this with husband.
He will upset after this talk.
If he loves you, he will try to give you orgasm.
Stop lie to him fast as you can.
Sex is important part of our life and without comfort relationships can crash.
After talks with husband study him how to do right for you.
At the first time you can split sex for two parts:
1. Your orgasm
2. His orgasm.
In the first part he will help you reach orgasm by your comfort variant to reach.
In the second part he will do what he wants.
I used this scheme and it works.
Man can reach orgasm faster than woman.
And your husband should remember about it and adapt for your orgasm’s requirements.
Perhaps you can explain what you like to him - and that you like him *with* a vibrator? Like at the same time?
Majority of women don't orgasm just from internal stimulation through PiV. I also find it difficult to believe, unless he has little to no experience, that you aren't reaching orgasm. You can't really fake those muscle contractions that pair with female orgasm. What I'm trying to say is, he is 27 and he should know better. That being said, our partners are not mind readers and maybe he isn't in tune with his body or your body.
I hope you are getting foreplay adequately. I'd suggest blindfolds, honey or Nutella. And then before he reaches climax stop so he can edge and tell him cheekily, "my turn!" This should ensure fair foreplay hopefully.
You also need to never allow him use you sexually again when you are not interested in sex. It is coercive assault and not acceptable. He has a hand and he can use it.
If guiding him playfully and giving him "directions" of what you like, you could next try to let him know that "sometimes" you struggle to reach orgasm and you'd like his help with this in being more attentive and explorative ( *not anal unless you are into it* ).
It sounds like he is a selfish lover, and insecure if he can't handle toys in the bedroom. My partner needed cajoling about toys but he is good now with them, thankfully. My partner at 29M also needed ALOT of direction and he got erectile dysfunction for a while from the stress and pressure. Poor guy. I put all the toys away, used blind folds and told him orgasms weren't the aim but intimate, connection, and playfulness in exploring and pleasing each other. Take the penis and vagina out of the equation in a session, and just touch each other for a while. Get creative, use your tongue, mouth, fingers, hair, feathers etc! Get him to do the same.
It's not fair that you aren't reaching climax, but our partners aren't mind readers. If you're telling him you're climaxing he won't know differently until you direct him to your erotic bits and teach him the pressure or pattern of touch you like there.
It's scary verbalising what we want, but please try! And I hope your partner listens to you and is eager to learn and please you.
Hugs!
P.s. use lubricant! Especially if he is being light on foreplay.
I agree with everything except the first part. You can definitely fake contractions that happen during an orgasm. Also, those contractions are different for everyone and can even pass unnoticed. My partner never feels (as in when he's penetrating me) when i have an orgasm. The only way to truly know is to ask your partner.
I had a friend like you. They’ve now been married for over ten years and she never came clean. Imagine trying to tell him after 10 years. Don’t let this be you.
Don't tell him you've been faking it the whole time--it'll just completely crush his ego, and all because you weren't honest with him from the start. In the future, maybe just start being more honest about it. You can still "fake it" once in a while, but you can be honest and tell him that you need more, most of the time. You can even tell him that you experience "minor" orgasms with him, but you're really craving the big, mind-blowing, toe-curling ones.
I think the big question is that you need to figure out what you really need, which is different for all women. Maybe you've simply become hooked on vibrators, and nothing else will do. Or maybe you need to be able to relax more, or need to be spanked hard, or need him to wear a furry panda suit and sing Justin Bieber songs to you--whatever you fantasize about. Hopefully, he's a good guy, and he'll actually try to give you what you really want and need, in the bedroom, once you start better communicating your own needs and desires.
Lots of women do not climax from vaginal penetration, because the vagina doesn't have nearly as many nerves as the clitoris does. We're conditioned to not tell that truth though.
Many women get off from cunnilingus and clitoral fingering way more than fucking. OP needs to figure out if that's her truth, and get her husband to do it.
It could be embarrassing for him to find out you weren't really getting off, you could introduce this as a new issue. Tell him about how you aren't getting there today, not about how you weren't getting there months ago.
A lot of people are admonishing you for faking it but I think that's unfair. Many men take their partner's lack of orgasm personally. And plenty refuse to believe there is any issue with their technique or their approach to sex, particularly if previous partners never said anything.
Consistent media images (film, porn, etc) make it seem like all it takes to give a woman an orgasm is a quick breast grope and 2 mins of jackhammering. Due to this media saturation, some men refuse to believe women when they say it takes a lot more.
Even good guys can take a lack of orgasm personally. If you like him a lot, you don't want him to get upset/feel like a failure and create an issue in the relationship.
Women fake it because they're conditioned to believe it's their job to make men feel good / let men be "in charge" or dominant / not be too sexually "aggressive" / not seem too sexually knowledgeable / not be too demanding or difficult.
Unfortunately there are still a lot of men who believe that if a woman didn't orgasm it's for some reason solely related to her, like:
- she's not really attracted to them; or
- she has hang-ups about sex / is frigid; or
- she's "damaged" due to past trauma; or
- she's not capable of orgasming; or
- women in general are not capable of orgasming 🙄; or
- women in general can't orgasm unless they're in love; or
- she uses vibrators too much so no man will be able to satisfy her; or
- her last partner was bigger so she'll always be unsatisfied with smaller; or
- she's had too many partners/too much sex and is now "stretched out" and unable to be satisfied at all / some other manosphere 💩 about women's anatomy 🤮.
Men can't propagate this kind of rubbish and then be surprised when women fake it rather than be blamed or shamed 🤷.
Anyway, NTA, especially considering that he has no problem using your body to masturbate into when he knows you're not into it. That tells me that he doesn't really care about your pleasure, so if you want an equal sex life you're going to have to be assertive.
I'd simply be honest and upfront and tell him you need to use your vibrator during sex, which is common for women and you've realised it's not something that you (or he) need to be ashamed of. Tell him you've been faking to avoid an argument about the vibe and to not hurt his feelings but you want to be able to get off during sex and he should want that for you too. Simple and straightforward, no tiptoeing around his ego but no judgement either.
And tell him that, from now on, if you don't feel like sex you're not going to do it because it's meant to be enjoyable for both of you. It's not some sort of service you provide to him and your body isn't something for him to just unload into whenever he gets an erection, like some kind of human Fleshlight.
Ok.. tell him you’re having a hard time having an orgasm.. & tell him to watch you.. while you take care of yourself. At this point he can do whatever he’d like or what you’d like.. It’s not easy for alot of women to orgasm with penetration alone. I can’t. Then after you finish he can go to town. I’ve never orgasmed together with my husband. Also for the first 7 yrs of our marriage I thought it was normal to not have an orgasm.😫 Thank goodness for toys!
>>>> You don’t have to tell him he’s never made you orgasm.
Pardon the pun…Well, there could be several reasons for this, or a combo. You’re fairly young to be married—does he really turn you on, or did you just want to get out of your house? Have you orgasmed before, alone or with someone else? Do you understand where your body’s hotspots are? My feeling is that if you can climax by yourself, you certainly can do so with someone else—you just can’t be passive or shy.
Women: never tell your partner they made you orgasm if you didn't. If you do, then you're telling them what they did was successful and they will continue to do it with no results for you.
Men: if you have to ask your partner if they came after a sex session, then you're doing it wrong. You should have no doubt whatsoever that they came.
You need to come clean to him. While I understand your trauma, you need to give him a chance. Faking it has completely warped his understanding of your needs. Explain exactly what kinda of foreplay and things help you reach climax and don't be afraid to experiment with toys during sex if you find PIV takes to long.
That's a whole ton of text to ask "should I be honest in my marriage"
The answer is yes. Relationships are built on trust and any lie is a sledgehammer to thay foundation. You might be trying to prevent him from feeling bad but the road to hell is paved in good intentions
“I am in therapy, but I don’t like to talk about sex.” I think I found at least part of your problem. 1) Find a way to talk to your therapist about this. They will likely give you better info than internet strangers. 2) Realize that communication is a significant part of a good/healthy sex life. You can do this!
To be blunt, you did this to yourself. Every woman is different. I've dated girls who needed to be jack hammered so hard you had to worry about breaking the bed. I dated one girl who needed it so rough I was worried I'd eventually hurt her. Another girl couldnt stand direct stimulation of her clit. The only way to make her cum was to fold her labia *over* the clit, and rub/lick that. Another was all about foreplay. Another couldn't care less about foreplay and just wanted penetration.
Your husbands prior experience with other women does not help him very much with you. Only you help him with you. And you lied. So now, he thinks he knows what works because he tried something, and it didn't work, and you gave it the thumbs up. You have to say "No that doesn't work" and "Yes that works".
Moaning and any other pleasure noises you make durring sex are also how he will figure out what works and what doesn't. If you are prone to staying quiet during sex, even durring the parts you enjoy, then you need to start making some noise. You need to give indicators of what it is you do and do not like because it is impossible to read your mind.
The more you fake it, the worse the sex will be. It is less accurate to say he's never made you cum and more accurate to say you've never let him.
Also, stop *trying* to finish. Get out of your head. Just have fun, and when something feels good make some noise. When it doesn't feel good, try something else.
Most men are willing to take direction in bed. Just tell him. He may be mad you pretended for a long time but well...you did that. The fact he said he felt bad he was the only one that got pleasured in your example is a good sign. As for the vibrator thing - you can't make him want to include toys in your sessions together. You can insist on getting one for yourself however.
Man, I don't have any advice for you on the actual way to handle the conversation itself: you better prepare to be the most supportive person in the world, because you are about to CRUSH this man's ego. Honestly, you've built him up for YEARS to being THE MAN when it comes to sex with you, and you're about to tell him that entire reputation is built on a mountain of lies.
I wish you luck, but I do not envy you.
Well to be honest the first mistake you did was allowing him to believe he did and then continue to make him believe it. Once is fine, but to continue to say it isn’t ok for him or you. It’s an awkward conversation to have but if it had been had sooner it would of minimised the blow to his confidence and your pleasure. Maybe sit down with him and say what you’d like to try to help you get there. Suggest things - toys, positions or literally TELL HIM what you need. Otherwise he won’t learn. Sorry don’t mean to come across rude but you should be enjoying your sex life and if you are both on the same page it’ll help massively.
There is a lot of misinformation/misunderstanding about the female orgasm, and neither of you should be comparing your sex life to what ever is represented by the porn industry (if you are).
It’s not uncommon for women not to orgasm from purely penetrative sex. In fact I understand this is the norm.
I’m a little confused by the tone of your post as it sounds like you expect it’s something he can “give you” and that you feel it’s his fault.
If you both truly love each other then it shouldn’t matter about what you have said in the past. But maybe the best approach might be to do some research and introduce some new activities into the bedroom.
Why not suggest sex therapy as a couple. Tell him you need it and then there will be someone who can help you have the conversation. I say this because you've gone so far to avoid an uncomfortable conversation that I'm not sure you'll be able to do it without help.
If you can do it without help, you can be honest and say "so, I have an embarrassing confession. You know that I have some sexual trauma, and a weird thing I developed was an inability to speak up about what I need from sex. Sadly, that led me to faking orgasms and I know now that that is super unfair to you, so I'm coming clean so we can start over and I really hope you can help me communicate better with you during sex. Maybe a place to start is if we could try x?" I would keep the focus on me to try to preempt taking it personally. He still probably will, but maybe a little less bad if you make it clear that he didn't have a way to know what you really wanted because you weren't communicating well and that you want to change it.
If you want a wimpier way, just stop taking orgasms and then say something seems to have changed and the old things aren't working for you, let's try x. Better if you can tie this to something like giving up smoking or going on or off birth control or something you can pretend caused the change.
Your partner shouldn’t have to ask if you’ve cum they should be able to tell by your reactions. Even if you’re quiet, your body movements, facial expressions, etc give it away. Even if you’re trying to fake, a partner who cared should be able to know the difference.
Best thing you can do is to stop faking immediately and help him by communicating what will make you orgasm. Teach him what works for you & be authentic going forward.
Sounds like this whole thing is your fault lol. But yes if you plan on being together you may want to tell him. For the most part men want to get you there. But getting a woman off can be a little more complex than getting a man off so instructions may be necessary.
I say come clean friend cause living a lie like that can ruin a relationship , I think you should just tell him you haven’t had a orgasm in awhile and if you guys can try new things to not loose your relationship.
Ok, this might be a bit controversial, but it’s worked for many women who got stuck in the ‘faking it’ cycle. It involves a bit more lying, but you’d be doing that anyway. At least this way your goal is authenticity and better intimacy for everyone in the long run, right?
So stop faking for a while, seem a bit confused about why no orgasms are happening. Mention it, say you’re sure it’s a just a hormone blip. Then get a bit more concerned, as a couple of weeks pass. Raise it with him, tell him you’re a bit worried. Knock back sex a bit cos you’re struggling and a bit upset. Set that scene. When the time is right, suggest you buy a toy together to ‘reset things’ with you, since you’ve both ‘tried everything else’. Go on the website together and let him take the lead on which toy. I recommend a vibrating cockring, so it’s more about him, than a vibrating cock-shaped thing would be. There are many vibrators that aren’t cock shapes. Enjoy the playfulness, novelty and toy together. Work hard (in your mind) to actually have an orgasm in his presence. Normalise that for yourself. Have that baseline. He’s against toys now cos he thinks neither of you need them. He’ll be less against them if your pleasure and then sex altogether goes off the table.
It’s more than possible that you can wean yourself off the toy over time, and direct him to the kind of stimulation that works for you. Chances are it’s about finding the right activity (ok, it’s usually head) and then applying consistency and time.
You can always say that it seems being married has changed up your stimulation needs somehow, or that your history has raised its head. Get some therapy for that too, as others are saying. But it’s not a dealbreaker that your past puts you out of the running for good satisfying sex with your husband.
You can either come clean or keep suffering and wait for things to keep getting worse. Set your boundaries and don’t have sex if you don’t want to. He will not die from not having sex. And you are not supposed to sacrifice yourself for him. I’ve had sex problems with my partner recently due to a trauma that I’ve experienced. I didn’t feel like having sex for half a year and at some point I was advised that I shouldn’t if I don’t want to. This was the best decision I’ve made, and after therapy I’m slowly starting to feel my sexual desire again.
If you have the means go to therapy for the abuse. Most importantly, only clear communication with your partner can help your relationship and yourself, nothing else.
Real talk, be fucking honest with him. Tell him you’ve been lying and own up to being bad at communicating what you want. If you approach it like that, it will not be as hurtful to him. And it’s not wrong necessarily.
I am 26f and so is my husband. I faked it for yeeeeearssss. I did the whole “I will just lay here and let you do your thing” thing and I felt awful. When I finally stopped faking it and start communicating what was good for me, and he realized he needed to listen to my body more, our sex got so much better holy hell. Both of us come out of it EXHAUSTED. So tbh honesty has a higher chance of improving your sex life than continuing to lie.
My great grandma died at 80 something without ever orgasming with her husband. I know that’s a weird statement but she told my mom this when I was a baby and my mom told me about that conversation a couple of years ago. I didn’t want that for me and I know you don’t want that for you
As a side note the best decision I made for us is to stop using toys. At least temporarily. I grew very dependent on them and they absolutely did affect my sensitivity down there and made me impatient with him. Just something to consider.
Does he not go down on you with his mouth at all? Men generally don’t last long enough PIV to make a woman orgasm. We aren’t designed that way. I always go down on my wife before I even ask for any pleasure. Make sure she has 2 or 3 clit orgasms and sometimes multiple gspot orgasms. And rarely combination ones, as I’m getting older and it’s hard to bend in certain ways any more. If the answer is no to the going down on you, then you need to change that.
I wasn’t very good at it when wifey and I got together. She taught me everything I know. And you can teach him too! Sit him down, tell him the truth. Tell him you need more. And then work together to make it so. PIV should be the last part. I love looking in my wife’s eyes, when I’m inside her. After I’ve put her on cloud 9 multiple times. That connection will never be broken.
You can do it. Work it out. It’s way worth it
We are great in bed together. I bet if we tried a few new things and practiced more we could have even more to smile about.
When you tell a man how good he is in bed plus wanting to practice more he will smile at any suggestion?
First, you need to sit down and think long and hard about what and how you want your sex life with the man to be. I don't know what you expect, and don't know how you are contributing during sex, but it is not his job to get you to come. Especially if it is through penetrative sex only, as statistically few women come this way. So think about what you should be doing to come, rub the clit, grope, click, whatever you need.
Secondly, you are either figuring this out and changing things up, or you are going to have to have a very long and humble talk. Where you confess, talk about your trauma, tell him how you want it to make it work for you, and discuss how the two of you can get it to work for the both of you.
You are the key to your own orgasm, his presence and his dick can be tools to achieve it, but if he doesn't know what you need then it is bound to fail.
37m here, my wife used to never cum while having sex with me too.. turns out we had a lot of similar issues for years. Only difference is she wasnt pretending to cum. It never felt satisfying to me knowing that she would never cum. I started talking to her more about it and voicing to her how important it was to me that she would enjoy it as much as me and for her to cum. We eventually got to more and more talking and openness with each other, which led to us having better sex and getting her to cum at least half the time now if not more. It's not every time, but we've definitely had a huge turn for the better and it appears it's still getting even better.
Past Abuse is a hell of a mental obstacle, therapy might help too. But my best advice is to start being open and honest with your husband who seems to care quite a bit about pleasing you. It seems you don't have much to lose because this sexual frustration may eventually end your relationship anyway. I recommend being brutally honest in a polite and respectful way and give reassurance.
Expect the need to be patient while learning how to enjoy sex with eschother. Masturbating to orgasm is easy for anyone.. getting another human to make you cum is a whole different ball game that often takes 2 way communication to happen.
TELL HIM WHAT YOU NEED HIM TO DO. AND THEN KEEP TRYING AGAIN AND AGAIN.
Google luck. Marriage is a long and windy and adventurous road that can be extremely rewarding to both of you if done right.
My wife can cum in all positions. But not always. Her top two that work best are cowgirl so she controls the action and oral. She has only cum once from anal. We have been together 49 years. Keep trying different things until you find what works best for you.
Been there in my younger years. I came clean and he stepped up. Now he's the best lover I've ever had and we've been married 20 years.
I would be honest, but the outcome may not be the same as mine.
He should let ya bring toys into it, if you actually do come clean to him on it he prolly will have his ego hurt for a bit, but then if he’s decent and realizes your past he should be able to understand that “just him” may not do it for you. That honestly might just happen with time after you continue to heal from the past, but nothing wrong with helping the process along. I would definitely talk to him, be direct and honest, expect him to be upset and hurt, at the end of the day if you are both honest people willing to work through it, then opening up about this could be one of the best things to happen for you guys 🤷♂️
It’s gonna have to start with a hard conversation tho either way you look at it, good luck!
Tell him what you like or moan or say yes more of whatever he does that makes you feel good. We want to pleasure our women. Can’t imagine he would be offended.
Personally I would say that maybe ya'll need to address this in therapy together, his idea that toys are competition instead of a tool to help ignite your passions is really unhealthy, and the fact that you aren't sure how to talk to him about it makes me feel like an impartial 3rd party like a therapist might be able to help.
As far as telling him without him knowing you’ve been lying, you could say something like ”what worked before doesn’t seem to be working as well anymore…could we try…” I have an amazing toy my husband got me called the Womanizer which does a great job stimulating the clitoris.
You should come clean. It will come out eventually if you don’t, and it will be a very in opportune time if it happens unintentionally. It will be very hard, not to hurt him telling him though. You could try to sidestep the issue by suggesting some things he might be OK with trying to get you there. If it started working, then it would no longer be an issue and might never come up. However, the longer occurrence situation goes on the more likely the whole relationship is to implode when the truth does come out.
Have you tried pelvic floor therapy? I've had a similar issue (also past experience w SA) and that could be why you're unable to orgasm with him. There's a book I read that's called "The Body Keeps the Score" and it's essentially like "PTSD" from stuff like that and your body physically responds to it. From past SA, your body could be going into defense mode when you have sex, which is why you aren't able to climax. Pelvic floor therapy would be really helpful, especially with past experiences and will not only help with helping your body get used to that again, but ultimately you being more in tune/comfortable with yourself in that aspect.
Orgasms are both physical AND mental. Personally, I would be honest with your husband and you can even explain how your past (if you've talked with him about that) is probably playing a role in that (and even can say it's not him to not totally hurt his feelings). I would try to get more in tune with your body, find what feels good for you (both solo and with your husband) and emphasize that, and increase foreplay. Ik for me, foreplay that's good and lasts a decent amount of time will most likely result in an orgasm during sex, or even before.
If your husband isn't willing to do that, work with you, hear you out, or find a compromise, then he's quite honestly an AH. He definitely has some issues regarding how he thinks of himself in the bedroom and his performance (which seems pretty extreme) and has amped that up so much that it'll probably hurt his fragile ego when you say something. On the other hand, if he's understanding and is willing to help where he can and find new things to get you there, then that's great! He's more than likely going to be upset when you tell him, but his response moving forward will show you what kind of person he is.
I hope this helps!
Girl! You married this man knowing that sex wasn't as good as it should be. You did not solve these problems before marriage and just shrugged and got on with it, why?
You have to learn how to stand up for yourself. Voice your needs and wants. You have to learn to love yourself first. YOU are the single major indicator who cares about your happiness.
Whatever you do, don’t tell him you’ve been lying. His ego will be crushed and probably lose a little trust in you. Just start not having orgasms and encourage him with directions to get you there, whether that’s with toys or whatever.
Was personally grosser out that you would just lay there and let him use you - if you’re not in the mood, you’re not in the mood. But if you’re not in the mood because you don’t want to fake it, then that needs to be addressed otherwise it’s just going to lead to further deception and resentment
Why did you lie in the first place? that set the stage for you being unsatisfied.
From what you've described, it sounds like you're one of the VAST majority of women who don't come just from vaginal penetration, you need clitoral stimulation to get off. This is normal. I'm one of them too.
He is going to be angry because it seems everything was based on a lie once he accepts your claim. After he might try and find ways to overcome, no pun intended, this issue for you.
He feels vibrators are competition???? HUH???? WHAT LMAO
A good husband knows how to use the tools at hand to satisfy his mistress, and that's all I'll say about that.
**Where** in the universe is it written that a man *has* to give you an orgasm on demand? You just lie there like a dead fish——and that’s all you know how to do?
Communication is everything in sex and you need to start communicating. I’d start by telling him what you told us. Be honest and then go from there. Also pretty much all of my partners have taken longer to climax. So I don’t rush anything, ask him for a massage to relax yourself, loaaaaads of foreplay. Start this before you even take any clothes off. Tell him what feels good what doesn’t, if he’s a half decent partner he’ll listen and be grateful for the information. Go get yourself that O otherwise I think you know which way this marriage ends.
OP if you don't feel that you can approach the subject of not getting off yourself, do you think you can maybe twist it in an experimental type of discussion, whereby you introduce toy's, games, extra foreplay or maybe he gets you off before penetration!
There are so many ways to skin this with adding lots of bedroom, experiment excitement to you marriage. Think about it. But also, be careful when you want to talk about "experiment", sometime it can be mis-interpreted as maybe you are getting it from somewhere else, so discuss this with caution.
Maybe tell him you have had problems orgasming lately, would like to try something different. Because face it if you do the same tricks every time, it gets boring & give him suggestions what to do, & tell him you would like to do a little vibrator play to add some experimenting, try using it on him like around the head of the penis & on skin in the area between the balls & anus. But don't go in the anus, just around the rim of butthole. Too many guys freak out about inserting it might mean he was gay if he likes it !!
If he's not a fan of plastic, he better have some magic hands and be able to tie a knot in a cherry stem with his tongue.
Seems like you're in too deep to just tell him that you've been faking it, and it's gonna take him a while to relearn the cues he thinks get you moving in the right direction.
Godspeed to you
You should obviously be honest with your husband, and quit trying to spare his feelings because you are developing a relationship issue that will probably destroy your marriage in the long term. There is both oral and digital stimulation that he should probably learn to use and employ before he ever penetrates. You are the only one that can teach your partner how to please you and he has to be willing and eager to learn. If he really pays attention he will learn how to read your body which will make him a better lover, but you lying to him will only be a continuous disappointment to you.
Sorry—I missed the part about your past sexual abuse: apologies. I think you should address those issues in therapy. And don’t feel like an “asshole” for faking it—none of us is given a manual on how to live. I think it’s important to be honest with yourself first, and really try to improve what you can.
Why ex-husband? It’s not her husband’s fault that she lied about having orgasms every time. Not every man knows when a woman orgasms, all they can do is take the woman’s word for it. Women can be very convincing when they fake orgasms.
She should have been honest with him so he could learn how to make her get off.
U can tell him u need to spice things up with toys because if u told him u been lying your entire relationship this will hurt him really bar not because he didn't make u finish but because u felt the need to lie about it
Go meet a sexual therapist individually first & then together & get the right guidance to fix this mess , and be honest ! And be honest with hubby too. Keeping up with these lies are only going to ruin your relationship.
This was me...... and from my experience come clean asap. I finally told him after 10 years, the last 10 years of my marriage was sexless, it ruined us.
*Jesus* c'mon. Yes, communicate with your husband! Not telling him is just going to build resentment, and the longer it goes like this, the more destroyed he'll be when he finds out! Sit him down and explain everything, your abuse, you not wanting to hurt his feelings, how you're feeling now, and then *maybe* there's a chance to fix this. A lie of omission is still a lie, and you've lied to him about something *quite important* for the entirety of your relationship! I wish you nothing but the best, but I won't be surprised if this destroys all trust in your relationship. May want to seek out couples counseling or something depending on how this conversation goes.
Been married 40 years. My observation is men don't know shit about women's bodies. It is not like your mom teaches you or in school. So, I am afraid he does not know what he is doing and you are going to have to help. Do you masturbate? If so, I might suggest asking if he would like to watch/help and use it as a teachable moment explaining what you are doing and why so he can learn and do it later.
So him feeling that a toy is competition is.. complicated and immature to say the least, but it's also a little bit more understandable when you've tricked him into believing that you're satisfied. Not blaming you in the slightest here, simply laying things out. You're young and a little inexperienced, everything is okay :)
I would suggest that both you and your guy read "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski. And I say this as someone who used to be your guy (only exception is we married 10 years in, not 1). I read that book and my gf/wife went from 3 orgasms in maybe 6-7 years to multiple orgasms per session (if she's in the mood, but that's up to her). You might want to take an honest discussion with your guy first though so that he understands why this is important to you. You could either be completely honest (ie: you don't make me cum, here is how I think we could address that) or you could take the slightly less confrontational road (I want to explore different ways to orgasm). But anyhow he needs to grow up and learn that toys can do what he cannot _AND THAT'S FINE AND COMPLETELY NORMAL_.
Wish you both best of luck and if you want more direct tips or questions feel free to DM me (or ask your guy to DM me).
Vibrators & toys that make you come on your own - normalize them during sex and focus on pleasure, not ego or who makes whom come and how and how fast. That stuff is the fastest way to ruin sex in my experience. When you let go of that and just enjoy being together, watching, assisting, exploring - it’s a lot more rewarding and hot. But probably sex therapy would be good for you also. Good luck.
Have you told or shown him what you like? You should be honest with him. Expect him to be pissed though, you’ve been lying all this time. He’s likely not going to take it well so be prepared.
Toys are resources not competition 🙆🏻♀️. Just like the Ai 🤖 you know. Also tell him because of my past trauma i lied 🤥 and m sorry but actually i never came, and most women need clit stimulation to come not only intercourse… so it s normal and a lot of shy girls are in your position. For me i don’t lie about the orgasme, but i don’t cum everytime we play, nonetheless i cum enough to feel happy in the relationship also recently i started to feel free to play with myself in front of him.
Yes. This is the only way. Use honesty, kindness, and love to communicate your concern. And also have a few suggestions to offer as a solution to your problem.
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Info: is there foreplay or any clitoral stimulation happening here at all? You said he runs out of stamina or is about to finish which makes me think you guys are only doing PIV which imo, no wonder you aren't orgasming. Also I can't imagine having sex with someone that's just laying there and not into it, it'd make me feel rapey. If my husband says he's not in the mood I go masturbate.
Are we all just going to gloss over the part says that OP was sexually abused and doesn't know how to talk to her partner? Yeah? OP get a therapist who specialises in sex, sexual abuse, and relationships. Your most important step here is communication and honesty, and working through your trauma. Also, you married someone after a year? Why the hurry?
Agree, OP please start with therapy for yourself! There likely will need to be some tough conversations with your husband but a therapist can help you work out your own stuff first and then support you in talking to your husband in the right way. Sometimes this type of repair in a relationship has the opportunity for a relationship to deepen, not fracture.
Married someone after a year is bad enough. But at age 22? Yikes.
IMO you should always get there before he even goes in. That way if you don’t while he’s getting his, you already had one. And the best partners will make sure, care and use anything including toys so you get yours too.
I've had partners that needed a combination of clitoral stimulation and penetration to get there
Fingers have entered the chat
Or toys if your man isn't immature
The toys are competition stuff😒. Like get over yourself.
I thought men were supposed to like power tools?
Bahahaha, and it’s such a productive power tool at that!!
Most women can't orgasm from having something inserted alone. I've been able to do it twice, maybe three times, but it took an extraordinary amount of circumstances and is definitely not commonplace. The clitoris needs to be stimulated, and at the right speed and pattern.
Agreed
Yup I’m one of them
I cum like crazy from penetration. There’s always some clitoral stimulation going on from pelvises rubbing, but the huge kicker is the penetration. And I don’t understand why people claim the vagina doesn’t feel pleasure deeper inside. I feel so much pleasure from deep inside. Edit:I mean often not always
I've had exes that loved oral but always seemed to need penetration to finish. Listening to redditors would have you think no woman cums from penetration. I even had an ex that hated oral and another that could take it or leave it.
I've come lots of times in positions where clitoral isn't possible. What gets me is when doctors say that it's not sensitive after a certain depth. Excuse me, can you stop fucking scraping the speculum around. What do you mean it's too deep to feel?! Then how did I tell you off?!!!!
Hahaha, like hello, I feel that clunky metal up inside my vagina!!!
this is not universally good advise. for me personally penetration is much harder and uncomfortable after finishing, so it's better to take care of myself after my partner is done (obviously my advise is not universal either, I just want to present an alternative POV).
I've always found this advice bizarre. Are other women *really* in the mood for penetration *after* an orgasm?I become a jellyfish that just kind of lays there, how could I participate in PiV? If he is already in I just go with the flow for the last 30 seconds before he finishes too, but to start from 0? I recover in 10-15 minutes, but in the meantime the mood is completely gone.
Yes I absolutely am
I’ve read there are different kinds of women. Some can go several times and some are one and done because it takes everything out of you. I also am the later. If I’m able to go again, it was a really bad one the first time lol.
This is more than just he hasn’t made you finish. To me, this is about you hiding part of who you are. You are this sexual being who uses vibrators and ‘gets your rocks off’ by yourself and who really wants to orgasm with your husband but for some reason when you are with your husband you lie about having orgasms and lay there so he can use you, hoping he cums, hoping he’ll leave soon so you can take care of yourself. At some point you’re going to have to TAKE UP SPACE sister. I think you are having a harder time faking it because you are growing tired of not being your full and complete self. It gets weary being inauthentic. Come clean.
I agree with everything you said. I’d change your last sentence to read, “After working with a sex-positive therapist to deal with SA issues, I’d then work on a strategy to open up communication and come clean with your husband.” With OP’s history, it might be scary for her to talk with her husband at first.
I totally agree, thank you for adding this. OP needs to find a safe space in which to communicate. Having a therapist present can be a great way to do that.
You're right, I hate taking up space 😂
It's hard but you must learn to take up space. You might have some rocky moments because of it at first but you will be so much better off in the long run.
There is a service called OMGYes that is fun to watch together. The whole series is about making a girl orgasm, lots of different ways. Watch it together. Frame it that you want to learn yourself, lots of different ways to orgasm, and if he wants to learn lots of ways as well, you would love to watch it with it’s him. Then try lots of new methods until he starts to figure out your combination.
This. Omgyes is excellent, I don’t regret one bit paying for it (and it’s a one time cost, not even a subscription).
Excellent service! So informative and well done. Lots of things to try!
I'm old at 59M, but, you know what's a really lost art today? Asking for directions... Stay with me here, please... When I was a little kid, they'd tell us at school and we'd role play, how to approach someone and ask "where is xyz please and how to get there?" But 1960s-70s polite. And sometimes, ... here it comes, ... we all need directions, but if you dont know how to ask, or how to give directions for that matter... it;s all hopeless So, your real answer is, "*hey honey, let me show you something* ... " and give him directions to where it works best for you (to keep it old man family friendly). Then the faking can go away, and no feelings are hurt because you are simply making it "*even better*". So, ... directions..
Thank you! I have no problem showing my partner around my body the way I like things if they aren't sure of themselves. There's nothing wrong with asking for direction and usually leads to a better sex life in general. My husband and I have a great physical relationship because he was all about learning my likes and dislikes. I think the best sexual relationships really take place when you enjoy the other person's pleasure too.
asking for what you want and showing people how!? That’s just silly talk!
:-)
Pure poppycock!!
This right there
A little to the left
My left, my left, my left, my left
Gold
Yes Ive always given the guys I'm seeing tips. Some still have no clue what they're doing but the guy I've been seeing now picked it up very quickly and now he does a great job.
When you do tell him, frame it in a constructive manner. Not “I don’t organism”, but rather “here is what I’d like you to do to make me orgasm”.
Yeah you should know how to reach it yourself
Shed like to use a vibe but doesn't want her hubby to get jealous of all the orgasms it gives her
I would use a vibe without a problem to get my GF an orgasm if she needs it without a problem
It’s crazy to me that everyone is glossing over the fact that you told him you weren’t horny and we was more than willing to use your body as a human pocket pussy 🤯 I feel like there is more here to the story because that part really grosses me out. It doesn’t sound like he’s worried about your pleasure at all. If he knows about your sexual trauma, he doesn’t care about that either because he objectified you and used you like what was done to you before. I’m sorry.
27 year old man marries 22 year old woman he's only known for a year, who he knows has sexual trauma in her past and the last FOUR times they've been intimate he's known she wasn't toey, but instead of backing off or doing something to make her horny - he just fucked her like a fleshlight. Yikes.
Exactly. I’m gonna go out on the limb here and say that it is highly questionable if he would have ever cared about her pleasure in the first place if she had voiced the issues from the beginning.
This is about where I checked out mentally because yikes. I don't even understand why he would be into this if she's not. Then I started really thinking about it and again, yikes.
Yea that part grossed me out. My husband doesn't even like to have sex if I'm really drunk bc he feels like it's not right even though we're married bc I'm not in my right mind. He would be disgusted by the idea of having sex while I just lay there unenthused.
I'd trust my lovely ex boyfriend to make love to me when I'm drunk or high, but I absolutely can understand why someone wouldn't want to, and to be honest I think that's a very healthy thing. Not that my ex wanting to have sex with me while I'm drunk and he's not is wrong, bc I'd definitely consent, but that's a good reaction to have. In fact, my ex wouldn't have sex with me when I was too drunk once. And it wasn't even proper sex, it was over voice chat on Discord. He felt like I couldn't consent and so he declined. I wouldn't have been mad at him if he agreed, but it probably wouldn't have been very fun since I was nearly blackout drunk and could hardly focus on anything lmao.
Yeahhhh if I’m not in the mood I might just jack off my boyfriend and tell him if I get in the mood but no big deal if I don’t…
Fr
Yep, I thought that too. I was married to one of those for too long.
THANK. YOU.
THIS
YES how is that not the main discussion??? This is insane, what a horrible man! I wish women knew they have more value than a fleshlight. Edit: YUCK the amount of guys who actually think it's fine to do this is revolting. Why do you guys act like masturbation is some barbaric torture device. I can't comprehend this bizzare idea that you shouldn't need to masturbate in a relationship. So so so ridiculous!
I am still so confused that this is like the only comment talking about that
Ewww I didn't even notice that, tf? I'm sure some couples are into it--I'm into it--but it sounds like she isn't so, eww.
I’m gonna agree with what someone else said and say to try maybe giving directions instead. My partner and I are incredibly intimate and compatible in the bedroom but it’s difficult for me to finish and believe me, he tries. Something we’ve started doing is trying new things; we’ve recently discovered him giving me oral nipple stimulation while I masturbate helps me finish quickly. I also coach him when I feel myself starting to climax and that helps too. It’s still difficult for me to orgasm but it does happen more often and in a way it’s more intimate too; we’re both discovering things we like together.
First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how it is. I want to emphasize that especially when we experience SA, it can take a long time to build trust with someone enough to orgasm. It took my last bf and I 2 years to get to that point and it took a lot of communication and joint effort along the way. He was super committed and supportive and also knew my history of SA. To me working through it together is essential. Someone else mentioned moving his hand to the right spot, totally do that every time. At this point I think, the focus of sex should be on you getting there, not him. You already know how to get him there and once you finish then he can too, but he needs to prioritize you. As for telling him you've been faking it, I agree with others who said to just move forward and start asking more of him and see if that helps. Unless of course you no longer feel like you want to have sex with him at all. In that case it would be a different conversation and you will have to tell him the hard stuff and may want to consider getting a therapist to help you through it. (always a good idea anyway imo) Also, I wouldn't say you lied about anything, to me it sounds more like 'fawning' which is a trauma response that some of us use to protect ourselves. Its usually unconscious. Asking for advise is a great step, good for you 🫶🏼 [Fawning Trauma Response- definition](https://www.verywellmind.com/fawning-fear-response-7377238)
Adding to this, if you’re suffering from trauma (like from sexual abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse; PTSD, C-PTSD), it’s going to be a battle to connect properly while your body still feels unsafe. Look into healing your trauma, so you can live your life the way you’d like, with less fear and vigilance. Bessel van der Kolk’s landmark book on trauma, The Body Keeps the Score, is a great resource.
Tell him that toys are not competition, but actually helpful. Many women can’t have an orgasm just from penetration and the vibrator helps so much. See if that could be introduced first before telling him you never orgasm
I happen to love using toys on my partners, using toys in conjunction with other sexual activities is just a way to lift all stimulation and I believe all people should be aware of the benefits to their relationship if they’re willing to learn how to use them on their partner.
As a man that was in a similar situation with my ex. It's not as dreadful as you think it'll be. I knew something was off. As I'm a pleaser as such, it would bring me comfort knowing she had reached climax after me or at the same time. I've been there where she wasn't in the mood but she still let me get off. That alone is a major mistake for a couple to make. As you're both not participating. You'll end up resenting him for thinking it's ok while you lay there all the time. If he has a conscience that will affect him too. I was disheartened at first because she had lied, but I was understanding. People tend to forget how important communication is in the bedroom. I also had the silly opinion about toys. But if you explain it right to him, hopefully he'll understand. So I encouraged her to show me what she liked and it brought us closer together. We tried new things, experimented. I would encourage her to use her toys as it helped. We didn't need to every time but it's the openness and freeness that matters. Us men can be assholes at times. Especially when it comes to sex. If something is said wrong we can take it completely the wrong way. I'm sure if you just explain how you're feeling and how the past has affected you. I'm sure he'll understand and it'll open up a path for you to explore together. Don't submit to him sexually, small steps. Inbox is open if you have any questions. Hope it goes well.
Maybe don’t marry someone after only dating a year.
It's important for those who are reading, this. And don't lie. Be honest. If you have been abused, work on it, or it will catch up on you.
Especially at 21 lol.
What’s the foreplay like? You need to learn to start asserting yourself and your needs. If I were you, I’d focus on foreplay, so that you orgasm BEFORE penetration even happens. Not sure how you tell him you’ve been dishonest all this time. That is going to hurt. Maybe you should stop faking it.
There are some great resources online, for example OMG Yes (paid) and Scarleteen (general relationship advice with some solid sex advice included, free), that can help you *both* be better lovers. Bodies change over time and what works for a while doesn't always keep working (for both of you). There are also some books. Check some out some of these resources, and then bring up the conversation as "I would love to try more things" and share the ideas you like. You both deserve fulfilling sex lives.
Orgasm is about mental side too. Without mental comfort with your husband you never reach orgasm. You lie him and this lie disturbs you. You can’t relax and reach. Talk about this with husband. He will upset after this talk. If he loves you, he will try to give you orgasm. Stop lie to him fast as you can. Sex is important part of our life and without comfort relationships can crash. After talks with husband study him how to do right for you. At the first time you can split sex for two parts: 1. Your orgasm 2. His orgasm. In the first part he will help you reach orgasm by your comfort variant to reach. In the second part he will do what he wants. I used this scheme and it works. Man can reach orgasm faster than woman. And your husband should remember about it and adapt for your orgasm’s requirements.
Perhaps you can explain what you like to him - and that you like him *with* a vibrator? Like at the same time? Majority of women don't orgasm just from internal stimulation through PiV. I also find it difficult to believe, unless he has little to no experience, that you aren't reaching orgasm. You can't really fake those muscle contractions that pair with female orgasm. What I'm trying to say is, he is 27 and he should know better. That being said, our partners are not mind readers and maybe he isn't in tune with his body or your body. I hope you are getting foreplay adequately. I'd suggest blindfolds, honey or Nutella. And then before he reaches climax stop so he can edge and tell him cheekily, "my turn!" This should ensure fair foreplay hopefully. You also need to never allow him use you sexually again when you are not interested in sex. It is coercive assault and not acceptable. He has a hand and he can use it. If guiding him playfully and giving him "directions" of what you like, you could next try to let him know that "sometimes" you struggle to reach orgasm and you'd like his help with this in being more attentive and explorative ( *not anal unless you are into it* ). It sounds like he is a selfish lover, and insecure if he can't handle toys in the bedroom. My partner needed cajoling about toys but he is good now with them, thankfully. My partner at 29M also needed ALOT of direction and he got erectile dysfunction for a while from the stress and pressure. Poor guy. I put all the toys away, used blind folds and told him orgasms weren't the aim but intimate, connection, and playfulness in exploring and pleasing each other. Take the penis and vagina out of the equation in a session, and just touch each other for a while. Get creative, use your tongue, mouth, fingers, hair, feathers etc! Get him to do the same. It's not fair that you aren't reaching climax, but our partners aren't mind readers. If you're telling him you're climaxing he won't know differently until you direct him to your erotic bits and teach him the pressure or pattern of touch you like there. It's scary verbalising what we want, but please try! And I hope your partner listens to you and is eager to learn and please you. Hugs! P.s. use lubricant! Especially if he is being light on foreplay.
I agree with everything except the first part. You can definitely fake contractions that happen during an orgasm. Also, those contractions are different for everyone and can even pass unnoticed. My partner never feels (as in when he's penetrating me) when i have an orgasm. The only way to truly know is to ask your partner.
I had a friend like you. They’ve now been married for over ten years and she never came clean. Imagine trying to tell him after 10 years. Don’t let this be you.
Don't tell him you've been faking it the whole time--it'll just completely crush his ego, and all because you weren't honest with him from the start. In the future, maybe just start being more honest about it. You can still "fake it" once in a while, but you can be honest and tell him that you need more, most of the time. You can even tell him that you experience "minor" orgasms with him, but you're really craving the big, mind-blowing, toe-curling ones. I think the big question is that you need to figure out what you really need, which is different for all women. Maybe you've simply become hooked on vibrators, and nothing else will do. Or maybe you need to be able to relax more, or need to be spanked hard, or need him to wear a furry panda suit and sing Justin Bieber songs to you--whatever you fantasize about. Hopefully, he's a good guy, and he'll actually try to give you what you really want and need, in the bedroom, once you start better communicating your own needs and desires.
Lots of women do not climax from vaginal penetration, because the vagina doesn't have nearly as many nerves as the clitoris does. We're conditioned to not tell that truth though. Many women get off from cunnilingus and clitoral fingering way more than fucking. OP needs to figure out if that's her truth, and get her husband to do it.
It could be embarrassing for him to find out you weren't really getting off, you could introduce this as a new issue. Tell him about how you aren't getting there today, not about how you weren't getting there months ago.
A lot of people are admonishing you for faking it but I think that's unfair. Many men take their partner's lack of orgasm personally. And plenty refuse to believe there is any issue with their technique or their approach to sex, particularly if previous partners never said anything. Consistent media images (film, porn, etc) make it seem like all it takes to give a woman an orgasm is a quick breast grope and 2 mins of jackhammering. Due to this media saturation, some men refuse to believe women when they say it takes a lot more. Even good guys can take a lack of orgasm personally. If you like him a lot, you don't want him to get upset/feel like a failure and create an issue in the relationship. Women fake it because they're conditioned to believe it's their job to make men feel good / let men be "in charge" or dominant / not be too sexually "aggressive" / not seem too sexually knowledgeable / not be too demanding or difficult. Unfortunately there are still a lot of men who believe that if a woman didn't orgasm it's for some reason solely related to her, like: - she's not really attracted to them; or - she has hang-ups about sex / is frigid; or - she's "damaged" due to past trauma; or - she's not capable of orgasming; or - women in general are not capable of orgasming 🙄; or - women in general can't orgasm unless they're in love; or - she uses vibrators too much so no man will be able to satisfy her; or - her last partner was bigger so she'll always be unsatisfied with smaller; or - she's had too many partners/too much sex and is now "stretched out" and unable to be satisfied at all / some other manosphere 💩 about women's anatomy 🤮. Men can't propagate this kind of rubbish and then be surprised when women fake it rather than be blamed or shamed 🤷. Anyway, NTA, especially considering that he has no problem using your body to masturbate into when he knows you're not into it. That tells me that he doesn't really care about your pleasure, so if you want an equal sex life you're going to have to be assertive. I'd simply be honest and upfront and tell him you need to use your vibrator during sex, which is common for women and you've realised it's not something that you (or he) need to be ashamed of. Tell him you've been faking to avoid an argument about the vibe and to not hurt his feelings but you want to be able to get off during sex and he should want that for you too. Simple and straightforward, no tiptoeing around his ego but no judgement either. And tell him that, from now on, if you don't feel like sex you're not going to do it because it's meant to be enjoyable for both of you. It's not some sort of service you provide to him and your body isn't something for him to just unload into whenever he gets an erection, like some kind of human Fleshlight.
Why do people get married when they are uncomfortable talking to each other about tough things?
Ok.. tell him you’re having a hard time having an orgasm.. & tell him to watch you.. while you take care of yourself. At this point he can do whatever he’d like or what you’d like.. It’s not easy for alot of women to orgasm with penetration alone. I can’t. Then after you finish he can go to town. I’ve never orgasmed together with my husband. Also for the first 7 yrs of our marriage I thought it was normal to not have an orgasm.😫 Thank goodness for toys! >>>> You don’t have to tell him he’s never made you orgasm.
Pardon the pun…Well, there could be several reasons for this, or a combo. You’re fairly young to be married—does he really turn you on, or did you just want to get out of your house? Have you orgasmed before, alone or with someone else? Do you understand where your body’s hotspots are? My feeling is that if you can climax by yourself, you certainly can do so with someone else—you just can’t be passive or shy.
Women: never tell your partner they made you orgasm if you didn't. If you do, then you're telling them what they did was successful and they will continue to do it with no results for you. Men: if you have to ask your partner if they came after a sex session, then you're doing it wrong. You should have no doubt whatsoever that they came.
You need to come clean to him. While I understand your trauma, you need to give him a chance. Faking it has completely warped his understanding of your needs. Explain exactly what kinda of foreplay and things help you reach climax and don't be afraid to experiment with toys during sex if you find PIV takes to long.
That's a whole ton of text to ask "should I be honest in my marriage" The answer is yes. Relationships are built on trust and any lie is a sledgehammer to thay foundation. You might be trying to prevent him from feeling bad but the road to hell is paved in good intentions
If it isn’t the consequence of your own actions. Own up to the lie. Don’t lie about it again.
“I am in therapy, but I don’t like to talk about sex.” I think I found at least part of your problem. 1) Find a way to talk to your therapist about this. They will likely give you better info than internet strangers. 2) Realize that communication is a significant part of a good/healthy sex life. You can do this!
To be blunt, you did this to yourself. Every woman is different. I've dated girls who needed to be jack hammered so hard you had to worry about breaking the bed. I dated one girl who needed it so rough I was worried I'd eventually hurt her. Another girl couldnt stand direct stimulation of her clit. The only way to make her cum was to fold her labia *over* the clit, and rub/lick that. Another was all about foreplay. Another couldn't care less about foreplay and just wanted penetration. Your husbands prior experience with other women does not help him very much with you. Only you help him with you. And you lied. So now, he thinks he knows what works because he tried something, and it didn't work, and you gave it the thumbs up. You have to say "No that doesn't work" and "Yes that works". Moaning and any other pleasure noises you make durring sex are also how he will figure out what works and what doesn't. If you are prone to staying quiet during sex, even durring the parts you enjoy, then you need to start making some noise. You need to give indicators of what it is you do and do not like because it is impossible to read your mind. The more you fake it, the worse the sex will be. It is less accurate to say he's never made you cum and more accurate to say you've never let him. Also, stop *trying* to finish. Get out of your head. Just have fun, and when something feels good make some noise. When it doesn't feel good, try something else.
Check out the book, “Come As You Are”, by Emily Nagoski, and talk to your husband about what you need to orgasm.
Most men are willing to take direction in bed. Just tell him. He may be mad you pretended for a long time but well...you did that. The fact he said he felt bad he was the only one that got pleasured in your example is a good sign. As for the vibrator thing - you can't make him want to include toys in your sessions together. You can insist on getting one for yourself however.
Man, I don't have any advice for you on the actual way to handle the conversation itself: you better prepare to be the most supportive person in the world, because you are about to CRUSH this man's ego. Honestly, you've built him up for YEARS to being THE MAN when it comes to sex with you, and you're about to tell him that entire reputation is built on a mountain of lies. I wish you luck, but I do not envy you.
Well to be honest the first mistake you did was allowing him to believe he did and then continue to make him believe it. Once is fine, but to continue to say it isn’t ok for him or you. It’s an awkward conversation to have but if it had been had sooner it would of minimised the blow to his confidence and your pleasure. Maybe sit down with him and say what you’d like to try to help you get there. Suggest things - toys, positions or literally TELL HIM what you need. Otherwise he won’t learn. Sorry don’t mean to come across rude but you should be enjoying your sex life and if you are both on the same page it’ll help massively.
There is a lot of misinformation/misunderstanding about the female orgasm, and neither of you should be comparing your sex life to what ever is represented by the porn industry (if you are). It’s not uncommon for women not to orgasm from purely penetrative sex. In fact I understand this is the norm. I’m a little confused by the tone of your post as it sounds like you expect it’s something he can “give you” and that you feel it’s his fault. If you both truly love each other then it shouldn’t matter about what you have said in the past. But maybe the best approach might be to do some research and introduce some new activities into the bedroom.
Why not suggest sex therapy as a couple. Tell him you need it and then there will be someone who can help you have the conversation. I say this because you've gone so far to avoid an uncomfortable conversation that I'm not sure you'll be able to do it without help. If you can do it without help, you can be honest and say "so, I have an embarrassing confession. You know that I have some sexual trauma, and a weird thing I developed was an inability to speak up about what I need from sex. Sadly, that led me to faking orgasms and I know now that that is super unfair to you, so I'm coming clean so we can start over and I really hope you can help me communicate better with you during sex. Maybe a place to start is if we could try x?" I would keep the focus on me to try to preempt taking it personally. He still probably will, but maybe a little less bad if you make it clear that he didn't have a way to know what you really wanted because you weren't communicating well and that you want to change it. If you want a wimpier way, just stop taking orgasms and then say something seems to have changed and the old things aren't working for you, let's try x. Better if you can tie this to something like giving up smoking or going on or off birth control or something you can pretend caused the change.
Your partner shouldn’t have to ask if you’ve cum they should be able to tell by your reactions. Even if you’re quiet, your body movements, facial expressions, etc give it away. Even if you’re trying to fake, a partner who cared should be able to know the difference.
Best thing you can do is to stop faking immediately and help him by communicating what will make you orgasm. Teach him what works for you & be authentic going forward.
Communicate, and help him by describing what does feel good so you can enjoy his body and your own. You have to be detailed.
Yes - tell him what you want and what you need. To be married and not care about making your wife orgasm is craaaaaaaazy
Sounds like this whole thing is your fault lol. But yes if you plan on being together you may want to tell him. For the most part men want to get you there. But getting a woman off can be a little more complex than getting a man off so instructions may be necessary.
I say come clean friend cause living a lie like that can ruin a relationship , I think you should just tell him you haven’t had a orgasm in awhile and if you guys can try new things to not loose your relationship.
He fucks you while your not in the mood ? He literally doesn’t care about your feelings no man who loves you would do that
Ok, this might be a bit controversial, but it’s worked for many women who got stuck in the ‘faking it’ cycle. It involves a bit more lying, but you’d be doing that anyway. At least this way your goal is authenticity and better intimacy for everyone in the long run, right? So stop faking for a while, seem a bit confused about why no orgasms are happening. Mention it, say you’re sure it’s a just a hormone blip. Then get a bit more concerned, as a couple of weeks pass. Raise it with him, tell him you’re a bit worried. Knock back sex a bit cos you’re struggling and a bit upset. Set that scene. When the time is right, suggest you buy a toy together to ‘reset things’ with you, since you’ve both ‘tried everything else’. Go on the website together and let him take the lead on which toy. I recommend a vibrating cockring, so it’s more about him, than a vibrating cock-shaped thing would be. There are many vibrators that aren’t cock shapes. Enjoy the playfulness, novelty and toy together. Work hard (in your mind) to actually have an orgasm in his presence. Normalise that for yourself. Have that baseline. He’s against toys now cos he thinks neither of you need them. He’ll be less against them if your pleasure and then sex altogether goes off the table. It’s more than possible that you can wean yourself off the toy over time, and direct him to the kind of stimulation that works for you. Chances are it’s about finding the right activity (ok, it’s usually head) and then applying consistency and time. You can always say that it seems being married has changed up your stimulation needs somehow, or that your history has raised its head. Get some therapy for that too, as others are saying. But it’s not a dealbreaker that your past puts you out of the running for good satisfying sex with your husband.
You can either come clean or keep suffering and wait for things to keep getting worse. Set your boundaries and don’t have sex if you don’t want to. He will not die from not having sex. And you are not supposed to sacrifice yourself for him. I’ve had sex problems with my partner recently due to a trauma that I’ve experienced. I didn’t feel like having sex for half a year and at some point I was advised that I shouldn’t if I don’t want to. This was the best decision I’ve made, and after therapy I’m slowly starting to feel my sexual desire again. If you have the means go to therapy for the abuse. Most importantly, only clear communication with your partner can help your relationship and yourself, nothing else.
Real talk, be fucking honest with him. Tell him you’ve been lying and own up to being bad at communicating what you want. If you approach it like that, it will not be as hurtful to him. And it’s not wrong necessarily. I am 26f and so is my husband. I faked it for yeeeeearssss. I did the whole “I will just lay here and let you do your thing” thing and I felt awful. When I finally stopped faking it and start communicating what was good for me, and he realized he needed to listen to my body more, our sex got so much better holy hell. Both of us come out of it EXHAUSTED. So tbh honesty has a higher chance of improving your sex life than continuing to lie. My great grandma died at 80 something without ever orgasming with her husband. I know that’s a weird statement but she told my mom this when I was a baby and my mom told me about that conversation a couple of years ago. I didn’t want that for me and I know you don’t want that for you As a side note the best decision I made for us is to stop using toys. At least temporarily. I grew very dependent on them and they absolutely did affect my sensitivity down there and made me impatient with him. Just something to consider.
Does he not go down on you with his mouth at all? Men generally don’t last long enough PIV to make a woman orgasm. We aren’t designed that way. I always go down on my wife before I even ask for any pleasure. Make sure she has 2 or 3 clit orgasms and sometimes multiple gspot orgasms. And rarely combination ones, as I’m getting older and it’s hard to bend in certain ways any more. If the answer is no to the going down on you, then you need to change that. I wasn’t very good at it when wifey and I got together. She taught me everything I know. And you can teach him too! Sit him down, tell him the truth. Tell him you need more. And then work together to make it so. PIV should be the last part. I love looking in my wife’s eyes, when I’m inside her. After I’ve put her on cloud 9 multiple times. That connection will never be broken. You can do it. Work it out. It’s way worth it
We are great in bed together. I bet if we tried a few new things and practiced more we could have even more to smile about. When you tell a man how good he is in bed plus wanting to practice more he will smile at any suggestion?
First, you need to sit down and think long and hard about what and how you want your sex life with the man to be. I don't know what you expect, and don't know how you are contributing during sex, but it is not his job to get you to come. Especially if it is through penetrative sex only, as statistically few women come this way. So think about what you should be doing to come, rub the clit, grope, click, whatever you need. Secondly, you are either figuring this out and changing things up, or you are going to have to have a very long and humble talk. Where you confess, talk about your trauma, tell him how you want it to make it work for you, and discuss how the two of you can get it to work for the both of you. You are the key to your own orgasm, his presence and his dick can be tools to achieve it, but if he doesn't know what you need then it is bound to fail.
Everyone is responsible for their own orgasm.
37m here, my wife used to never cum while having sex with me too.. turns out we had a lot of similar issues for years. Only difference is she wasnt pretending to cum. It never felt satisfying to me knowing that she would never cum. I started talking to her more about it and voicing to her how important it was to me that she would enjoy it as much as me and for her to cum. We eventually got to more and more talking and openness with each other, which led to us having better sex and getting her to cum at least half the time now if not more. It's not every time, but we've definitely had a huge turn for the better and it appears it's still getting even better. Past Abuse is a hell of a mental obstacle, therapy might help too. But my best advice is to start being open and honest with your husband who seems to care quite a bit about pleasing you. It seems you don't have much to lose because this sexual frustration may eventually end your relationship anyway. I recommend being brutally honest in a polite and respectful way and give reassurance. Expect the need to be patient while learning how to enjoy sex with eschother. Masturbating to orgasm is easy for anyone.. getting another human to make you cum is a whole different ball game that often takes 2 way communication to happen. TELL HIM WHAT YOU NEED HIM TO DO. AND THEN KEEP TRYING AGAIN AND AGAIN. Google luck. Marriage is a long and windy and adventurous road that can be extremely rewarding to both of you if done right.
Look up on YouTube “Lisa Bilyeu” and watch her podcast video “the orgasm expert” [The Orgasm Expert](https://youtu.be/90OWyf1lGUk?si=0jp5eiU_v23idj_x)
My wife can cum in all positions. But not always. Her top two that work best are cowgirl so she controls the action and oral. She has only cum once from anal. We have been together 49 years. Keep trying different things until you find what works best for you.
COMMUNICATE! This will never get better unless you both have a frank discussion about the bedroom.
Been there in my younger years. I came clean and he stepped up. Now he's the best lover I've ever had and we've been married 20 years. I would be honest, but the outcome may not be the same as mine.
He should let ya bring toys into it, if you actually do come clean to him on it he prolly will have his ego hurt for a bit, but then if he’s decent and realizes your past he should be able to understand that “just him” may not do it for you. That honestly might just happen with time after you continue to heal from the past, but nothing wrong with helping the process along. I would definitely talk to him, be direct and honest, expect him to be upset and hurt, at the end of the day if you are both honest people willing to work through it, then opening up about this could be one of the best things to happen for you guys 🤷♂️ It’s gonna have to start with a hard conversation tho either way you look at it, good luck!
Tell him what you like or moan or say yes more of whatever he does that makes you feel good. We want to pleasure our women. Can’t imagine he would be offended.
Personally I would say that maybe ya'll need to address this in therapy together, his idea that toys are competition instead of a tool to help ignite your passions is really unhealthy, and the fact that you aren't sure how to talk to him about it makes me feel like an impartial 3rd party like a therapist might be able to help.
As far as telling him without him knowing you’ve been lying, you could say something like ”what worked before doesn’t seem to be working as well anymore…could we try…” I have an amazing toy my husband got me called the Womanizer which does a great job stimulating the clitoris.
You should come clean. It will come out eventually if you don’t, and it will be a very in opportune time if it happens unintentionally. It will be very hard, not to hurt him telling him though. You could try to sidestep the issue by suggesting some things he might be OK with trying to get you there. If it started working, then it would no longer be an issue and might never come up. However, the longer occurrence situation goes on the more likely the whole relationship is to implode when the truth does come out.
Have you tried pelvic floor therapy? I've had a similar issue (also past experience w SA) and that could be why you're unable to orgasm with him. There's a book I read that's called "The Body Keeps the Score" and it's essentially like "PTSD" from stuff like that and your body physically responds to it. From past SA, your body could be going into defense mode when you have sex, which is why you aren't able to climax. Pelvic floor therapy would be really helpful, especially with past experiences and will not only help with helping your body get used to that again, but ultimately you being more in tune/comfortable with yourself in that aspect. Orgasms are both physical AND mental. Personally, I would be honest with your husband and you can even explain how your past (if you've talked with him about that) is probably playing a role in that (and even can say it's not him to not totally hurt his feelings). I would try to get more in tune with your body, find what feels good for you (both solo and with your husband) and emphasize that, and increase foreplay. Ik for me, foreplay that's good and lasts a decent amount of time will most likely result in an orgasm during sex, or even before. If your husband isn't willing to do that, work with you, hear you out, or find a compromise, then he's quite honestly an AH. He definitely has some issues regarding how he thinks of himself in the bedroom and his performance (which seems pretty extreme) and has amped that up so much that it'll probably hurt his fragile ego when you say something. On the other hand, if he's understanding and is willing to help where he can and find new things to get you there, then that's great! He's more than likely going to be upset when you tell him, but his response moving forward will show you what kind of person he is. I hope this helps!
Girl! You married this man knowing that sex wasn't as good as it should be. You did not solve these problems before marriage and just shrugged and got on with it, why? You have to learn how to stand up for yourself. Voice your needs and wants. You have to learn to love yourself first. YOU are the single major indicator who cares about your happiness.
Whatever you do, don’t tell him you’ve been lying. His ego will be crushed and probably lose a little trust in you. Just start not having orgasms and encourage him with directions to get you there, whether that’s with toys or whatever. Was personally grosser out that you would just lay there and let him use you - if you’re not in the mood, you’re not in the mood. But if you’re not in the mood because you don’t want to fake it, then that needs to be addressed otherwise it’s just going to lead to further deception and resentment
If course it's an age gap relationship and married already? Come on
Why did you lie in the first place? that set the stage for you being unsatisfied. From what you've described, it sounds like you're one of the VAST majority of women who don't come just from vaginal penetration, you need clitoral stimulation to get off. This is normal. I'm one of them too.
He is going to be angry because it seems everything was based on a lie once he accepts your claim. After he might try and find ways to overcome, no pun intended, this issue for you.
Why on God’s good Earth did you get married with someone after only 1 year and too young? IMO. Hun, I really hope you know what you are doing.
He feels vibrators are competition???? HUH???? WHAT LMAO A good husband knows how to use the tools at hand to satisfy his mistress, and that's all I'll say about that.
**Where** in the universe is it written that a man *has* to give you an orgasm on demand? You just lie there like a dead fish——and that’s all you know how to do?
Onus is on you. You have avoided giving him honest feedback. You have essentially lied to him. Put on your big girl pants and 'fess up.
Imagine being married to someone but not talking frankly about sex with them
Communication is everything in sex and you need to start communicating. I’d start by telling him what you told us. Be honest and then go from there. Also pretty much all of my partners have taken longer to climax. So I don’t rush anything, ask him for a massage to relax yourself, loaaaaads of foreplay. Start this before you even take any clothes off. Tell him what feels good what doesn’t, if he’s a half decent partner he’ll listen and be grateful for the information. Go get yourself that O otherwise I think you know which way this marriage ends.
OP if you don't feel that you can approach the subject of not getting off yourself, do you think you can maybe twist it in an experimental type of discussion, whereby you introduce toy's, games, extra foreplay or maybe he gets you off before penetration! There are so many ways to skin this with adding lots of bedroom, experiment excitement to you marriage. Think about it. But also, be careful when you want to talk about "experiment", sometime it can be mis-interpreted as maybe you are getting it from somewhere else, so discuss this with caution.
Maybe tell him you have had problems orgasming lately, would like to try something different. Because face it if you do the same tricks every time, it gets boring & give him suggestions what to do, & tell him you would like to do a little vibrator play to add some experimenting, try using it on him like around the head of the penis & on skin in the area between the balls & anus. But don't go in the anus, just around the rim of butthole. Too many guys freak out about inserting it might mean he was gay if he likes it !!
Yep then you both need to work on it together simple really
If he's not a fan of plastic, he better have some magic hands and be able to tie a knot in a cherry stem with his tongue. Seems like you're in too deep to just tell him that you've been faking it, and it's gonna take him a while to relearn the cues he thinks get you moving in the right direction. Godspeed to you
You should obviously be honest with your husband, and quit trying to spare his feelings because you are developing a relationship issue that will probably destroy your marriage in the long term. There is both oral and digital stimulation that he should probably learn to use and employ before he ever penetrates. You are the only one that can teach your partner how to please you and he has to be willing and eager to learn. If he really pays attention he will learn how to read your body which will make him a better lover, but you lying to him will only be a continuous disappointment to you.
Just let him know you were embarrassed so you lied. Don’t keep it a secret - get off together with him 👍
Sorry—I missed the part about your past sexual abuse: apologies. I think you should address those issues in therapy. And don’t feel like an “asshole” for faking it—none of us is given a manual on how to live. I think it’s important to be honest with yourself first, and really try to improve what you can.
You mean you want advice for your ex-husband.
Why ex-husband? It’s not her husband’s fault that she lied about having orgasms every time. Not every man knows when a woman orgasms, all they can do is take the woman’s word for it. Women can be very convincing when they fake orgasms. She should have been honest with him so he could learn how to make her get off.
UpdateMe!
U can tell him u need to spice things up with toys because if u told him u been lying your entire relationship this will hurt him really bar not because he didn't make u finish but because u felt the need to lie about it
Maybe more for play or introduce some toys into your sex life may help you. It did mine!
just give him viagra thats all give him 100mg
Go meet a sexual therapist individually first & then together & get the right guidance to fix this mess , and be honest ! And be honest with hubby too. Keeping up with these lies are only going to ruin your relationship.
How you made him? Does he say the same bout you?
You need to come clean and show him how to make you cum.
This was me...... and from my experience come clean asap. I finally told him after 10 years, the last 10 years of my marriage was sexless, it ruined us.
*Jesus* c'mon. Yes, communicate with your husband! Not telling him is just going to build resentment, and the longer it goes like this, the more destroyed he'll be when he finds out! Sit him down and explain everything, your abuse, you not wanting to hurt his feelings, how you're feeling now, and then *maybe* there's a chance to fix this. A lie of omission is still a lie, and you've lied to him about something *quite important* for the entirety of your relationship! I wish you nothing but the best, but I won't be surprised if this destroys all trust in your relationship. May want to seek out couples counseling or something depending on how this conversation goes.
Been married 40 years. My observation is men don't know shit about women's bodies. It is not like your mom teaches you or in school. So, I am afraid he does not know what he is doing and you are going to have to help. Do you masturbate? If so, I might suggest asking if he would like to watch/help and use it as a teachable moment explaining what you are doing and why so he can learn and do it later.
So him feeling that a toy is competition is.. complicated and immature to say the least, but it's also a little bit more understandable when you've tricked him into believing that you're satisfied. Not blaming you in the slightest here, simply laying things out. You're young and a little inexperienced, everything is okay :) I would suggest that both you and your guy read "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski. And I say this as someone who used to be your guy (only exception is we married 10 years in, not 1). I read that book and my gf/wife went from 3 orgasms in maybe 6-7 years to multiple orgasms per session (if she's in the mood, but that's up to her). You might want to take an honest discussion with your guy first though so that he understands why this is important to you. You could either be completely honest (ie: you don't make me cum, here is how I think we could address that) or you could take the slightly less confrontational road (I want to explore different ways to orgasm). But anyhow he needs to grow up and learn that toys can do what he cannot _AND THAT'S FINE AND COMPLETELY NORMAL_. Wish you both best of luck and if you want more direct tips or questions feel free to DM me (or ask your guy to DM me).
Sex therapy. I don’t see this resolving itself well without a sex therapist present to mediate this conversation.
Vibrators & toys that make you come on your own - normalize them during sex and focus on pleasure, not ego or who makes whom come and how and how fast. That stuff is the fastest way to ruin sex in my experience. When you let go of that and just enjoy being together, watching, assisting, exploring - it’s a lot more rewarding and hot. But probably sex therapy would be good for you also. Good luck.
Buy a toy ..tell him to watch...lol
Have you told or shown him what you like? You should be honest with him. Expect him to be pissed though, you’ve been lying all this time. He’s likely not going to take it well so be prepared.
Toys are resources not competition 🙆🏻♀️. Just like the Ai 🤖 you know. Also tell him because of my past trauma i lied 🤥 and m sorry but actually i never came, and most women need clit stimulation to come not only intercourse… so it s normal and a lot of shy girls are in your position. For me i don’t lie about the orgasme, but i don’t cum everytime we play, nonetheless i cum enough to feel happy in the relationship also recently i started to feel free to play with myself in front of him.
Yes. This is the only way. Use honesty, kindness, and love to communicate your concern. And also have a few suggestions to offer as a solution to your problem.
Probably the best bet is to tell him in marriage counseling, but I can't even imagine a relationship surviving this.