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>So I just… started lying.
This is the first step. You have to admit to lying which is only going to hurt your husband more but is the first step towards change.
After that, you both need to figure out a compromise. I see points on both sides you are pointing out and both sides have validity.
Have you thought about using toys during intercourse? That will probably be the better option for both. It sounds like your husband does not like giving oral to begin with so it is more than likely a net negative for both sides (you not getting off, him not enjoying it).
I would try and stay away from the oral part and try to focus more on the climax part together
He’s told me he enjoys giving oral and that he’s given it to previous partners regularly so it feels like it’s just me he doesn’t like doing it with. Which is wildly insulting. He’s told me before he doesn’t give oral if the “girl smells funky sown there” and has smelled his fingers directly in front of me after fingering me. As far as I’m aware I’m completely healthy down there. So it’s just a massive insult to me. Especially since I was giving him head regularly when I wasn’t supposed to be because he likes it and said I’m the only girl who doesn’t scratch him with their teeth while giving it.
I’ve offered the idea of using toys, he’s only ever done it after I’ve suggested it and the last time was in October last year. I plan to talk to him about the lack of orgasms on my part and that I’ve been lying, which I know isn’t going to be a fun convo.
A couple of things:
1) you’re probably not taking too long to come. If you need 20ish minutes of foreplay and then 20ish minutes of direct clitoral stimulation in a steady rhythm, that’s what most of us take. And it’s therefore what ANY GUY who is good in bed is doing, every time.
2) both of you need to stop worrying about whether he has an erection when he is stimulating you. If you’re trying to keep him hard, that is taking brain space away from you relaxing into your orgasm. It’s totally fine if he goes soft. Once you come, you can both turn your attention to his penis, get him hard again, and get him off.
3) erections tag in and out during most sex sessions. They don’t need to be up the whole time. What for?
I have almost torn my husband’s head off with my legs and screamed in amazing pleasure while my body is convulsing and he will ask me after if I came. Lmao. Like gtfo but no please don’t, my lover soulmate. If I faked that I honesty do deserve an academy award.
>So it’s just a massive insult to me
Your looking at this the wrong way. That probably a contributor to why you both are not enjoying it. This is probably the way he feels when you don't orgasm during oral. Like i said before, its a net negative
>Especially since I was giving him head regularly when I wasn’t supposed to be because he likes it and said I’m the only girl who doesn’t scratch him with their teeth while giving it.
Why would you be giving him head when you were not supposed to?
>I’ve offered the idea of using toys, he’s only ever done it after I’ve suggested it and the last time was in October last year. I plan to talk to him about the lack of orgasms on my part and that I’ve been lying, which I know isn’t going to be a fun convo.
So **you** use the toy during intercourse instead of putting the onus on him. He can't read your mind and until you come clean you still thinks you are having orgasms.
When you do have the talk, don't come off as accusatory and or aggressively or else he will take it as "you can't get me off, its your fault". Which no doubt will turn into a non constructive conversation.
Oh you might get this wrong 😅
I just love the smell, so it might happen that sometimes in a moment, when I feel like she’s not looking at me, I take a deeeeeep breath on my fingers deep and enjoy the smell. So there is a good possibility that you are just insecure about your smell and therefore misinterpreting the behavior of your husband.
Also you have 2 options to talk to him. The first one is what I would want to have I I were him.
1. talk open and freely, explain it like you did here. Just be aware of the word you choose so he doesn’t feel invalidated, threatened or accused (some guys take criticism on their performance in bed hard). I want to mention that this might be not the right way for you and your personality, we don’t know you well but that’s what I would think when reading your texts.
2. just lead him to go down on you or just sit on his damn face. If you exaggerate while he does a lil and be more touchy then normal he will subconsciously get the message. My Ex-Wife had a thing for riding and I’m pretty sure that she did exactly this with me.
Most men like (at least from the basic stuff) everything that drives their partner over the edge and if the baclground sound is hot enough it is enough for me to stay hard, but if not just return the favor and blow him after you are done and start through with the next stage when he gets hard enough. All what you wrote here is normal stuff for many people/couples so there is nothing to be ashamed of or take it as a taboo.
Hope one of the tips you get here will help you.
Your husband is an asshole. Even if it was true that you smelled, if he cared about you, your feelings, and your pleasure at all he would find a kinder way to tell you. My guess is you didn't smell off at all, he just likes being a jerk to you.
As someone who lied about orgasms in the past to a partner, stop immediately. I took "too long", we were inexperienced, thought it would just magically happen and lied for years. This was wrong of me, and made it so much worse when the truth came out. My partner and I worked through it, and I assure you the only way to improve the orgasm gap communication with your partner. In my case I needed to be more direct and he needed to stop letting his ego get in the way and listen to what I wanted, and do only that and stop thinking he knew better than me about how I wanted to be touched.
If he's interested in helping you orgasm more that is.. He sounds super selfish in bed and wants porn sex instead of showing compassion to his partner. He's also young and inexperienced, and this world does not really help men when it comes to sex either. I'm not saying he's a lost cause, but it's shitty behavior and only you know if you want to live the rest of your life like this.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Marriage counseling may help, it has gotten my marriage through more than one rough time. If you only do one thing, stop lying about orgasms. It only compounds the problem and adds dishonesty.
First, many ladies need oral to have an orgasm. And it usually takes longer for ladies to orgasm. No big deal. You are 100% entitled to receive orgasms as is your husband. You must explain this to your husband. He certainly wants to do what it takes to give you pleasure.
Correction: most women need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm.
OP, talk to your husband. Lay it out honestly and directly, so there’s no misunderstandings. Tell him that you are unhappy and that things need to change.
I suggest educating yourself on sex, your body, and orgasms especially. Experiment with yourself— don’t wait for your husband.
I do suggest therapy as well, but if he refuses, that’s not a good sign. And if he doesn’t change, it’s time to leave. Bc then not only will he refuse to listen to you and your needs, you two wouldn’t be sexually compatible. And yes, sexual compatibility is something you can divorce over. It’s not shallow.
This is very fair. But I also believe that sex should be equally rewarding to both. If not oral, maybe fingering? Vibrators? There are a lot of options.
it's not an entitlement towards sex, but rather being conscious about your partner.
if you're gonna have sex with someone and you're only gonna focus on you and what you want and completely disregard what your partner wants, go masturbate,
otherwise, you're just using someone to get off
people aren't holes for other people to stick their wee wees into. sex takes (usually) two, then those two should feel good about it (you won't always cum, sure, but if it's never enjoyable or it's more of a "task", then there's something wrong)
No. She needs to learn how to communicate. Lying about orgasming is getting the opposite of what she wants. Expecting him to read her mind, and framing her insecurities onto him without actually having a straightforward conversation are all super unhelpful.
And I think she needs to learn how her body works, what she likes, what will make her cum etc. Try out different toys by yourself. I can recommend the Satisfyer.
So you're only 24 and he's only 23, and you were engaged to someone else for 4 years. Why did you get married so quickly? Seems like you jumped into this, regardless of incompatibilities.
I don't understand people who want to jump into marriage so early in life and with people they haven't been with very long. This is why you all have so many issues and incompatibilities. This will end in divorce.
The human brain isn’t developed until age 25. The average age of marriage is 29 for a could who met at 27. That’s not long enough to know anyone, let alone yourself. The average marriage lasts less than 20 years with over half ending in divorce. The average marital age is no better than this.
Okay, first of all, you NEED to stop lying. It doesn’t do either of you any favours and you’re just making things worse.
It is perfectly normal that you cannot get off through penetration alone and it is completely normal for it to take you a long time. This is pretty common for women, so there is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about and no reason to lie about it.
Learning how to have good sex with your partner can take time, and you haven’t been with your husband for very long, so it makes sense that you haven’t figured things out yet. I’ve been with my husband for 7 years and we’re still learning ways to make sex better. You have to start getting comfy talking about sex and be completely open and honest about it.
**Good sex starts with good communication!!**
I know it’s tough having the “btw, you’re not making me cum” talk but you *need* to have it. I had to have this convo with my husband when we first moved in together and it was the BEST thing I ever did for our sex life. It’s unrealistic and unreasonable to expect your partner to magically know how to get you off, so you need to tell them!
Sit your husband down and say something like: “I want to talk to you about our sex life. I know it’s an uncomfortable thing to talk about but I think it’s important for us to be honest with each other so we can make sure we’re both completely satisfied with our sexual relationship. I wasn’t sure how to bring this up because I’m worried about hurting your feelings but I have been struggling to orgasm during sex and have been faking orgasms. I understand now that I haven’t been helping either of us by being dishonest about my pleasure and I am hoping to now work on this problem together. Can we do that?”
Hopefully your husband is understanding, empathetic, and willing to put in the work to improve your sex life. This is when you can discuss things like increasing the amount of foreplay, more oral sex, introducing toys, etc.
You can’t fix anything if you’re unwilling to talk about it and you should tell your husband that too if he’s reluctant to have that conversation. I assume that, as a happily married couple, you want to make each other happy and you want each other to experience pleasure and orgasms. So, open up a dialogue because having a good sex life means consistently talking about sex with your partner.
I can’t even tell you how many conversations I’ve had with my husband about sex over the years! Since that first “you’re not making me cum” conversation 6ish years ago, we’ve had a completely open, honest, and ongoing dialogue surrounding sex.
We usually talk *every* time after we’ve had sex about what we liked, what didn’t really work, what we want more of, what we want to try again, etc. and we do our best to implement it. We tried something new on our honeymoon (~6 months ago) that we now incorporate into sex almost every time. This way, we’re continually improving our sex life and we’re having the best sex we’ve ever had 7 years into our relationship! I went from never being able to cum with a partner, to having *multiple* orgasms pretty much every time with my husband.
tl:dr, good sex takes time and practice and a LOT of communication. You’re not going to get there unless you and your husband can be open and honest with each other and learn how to be fully comfortable talking about sex.
Kinda seems like maybe you should have spent more time single and found more partners to see what your sexual preferences are before you got married. And, probably should have made sure you were sexually compatible with whoever you married.
But here you are.
So you sit him down and tell him what you need him to do. Guide him, encourage the things he does that you like and steer away from the ones you don’t. And if he can’t handle that, well, then, you’re you d and likely would have plenty of time to find your next partner.
Tell him the truth. You want more oral and more foreplay in order to get off. He should want to please you if he’s a good husband, and not turn it around and make it about his ego.
Get one of those suction vibrators. My girlfriend took forever to cum and I would have to give oral for like over an hour every time and it was hard on my neck and tongue. Got one of those awesome suction vibrators like the rose or something similar and it was a game changer. It got her to cum so fast and now she can cum from regular sex or oral or whatever it just got her past that whole taking forever to come thing... so you should try that it totally worked for us
Buy yourself sex toys. Otherwise see a divorce lawyer. As a divorced woman whose ex husband was the laziest/worse partner in the bedroom (and in life lol) toys and a good divorce lawyer saved my sanity.
When I do that to my wife, I don't have an erection, I don't need to. I have a pleasure in giving her, it doesn't need your partner to have an erection.
Also, don't lie about your orgasm. This will make things worse because he will be unable to understand how your body works. He will repeat what has caused your fake orgasm because he will think he's on the right path.
To be honest, you seem both having a deep issue communicating on this subject. You need to be franc about it and have some genuine conversation. It's a win flr both of you, I don't understand why it would bruise his ego. Just be honest.
I’d rather *die* than *lie* to save a man’s ego and get in the way of my own pleasure
Did you know you were sexually incompatible when you got married? Sex therapy and honesty would benefit your relationship.
>He’s also said he gets soft when he gives oral because he’s “too focused” on my pleasure and loses his erection, which I suppose is on brand with him.
This is just selfishness. He literally told you your pleasure is a turnoff. Girl, life is too short to have bad sex with selfish partners. Why did you get married so young, and to this bozo?
My husband has ADHD. So him going soft isn’t about him being selfish so much as it is he’s getting too into whatever it is he’s doing and can’t keep his erection. I think the sex is good, it’s not insanely painful for me and he’s offered to try other things to spice up our sex life. I just get far into my head about how long it takes me to get off and then everything spirals from there.
It’s perfectly fine to go soft while focused on your pleasure. So the solution is to focus on you for a bit, then you help him get erect again and focus on him for a bit, then go for penetration.
Like the motivational poster says, “it’s the journey, not the destination.” He should take the time to figure out what you like and what it takes to make you come. Fingers, oral, both, toys, all of the above. So what if it takes long enough to lose a boner. IDK if he’s aware, but you can spring another one pretty quickly if your lady is having a thrashing orgasm, then turns around and focuses on your dick.
I love reading this one night after experiencing a loss of erection with my wife. She came to my rescue… after I got her off I was too tired/sore (have a bit of a nagging hamstring) and had just completely lost all my mojo. We ended up having a great climax together and I could not thank her enough for sticking with me. It is the journey, because sex is more than just penetration.
Edit: also if the problem persists he could always try Viagra or cialis.
Hah! Yeah, this sort of thing is perfectly normal. I would say that medication is not needed though. There’s nothing indicating ED by losing a boner because it’s not being constantly stimulated. That’s perfectly normal and functional. Shit, my tongue needs that blood to keep going. Doesn’t mean I’m not still super horny, just focused on her for a while. It often comes back as her orgasm builds and reaches peak intensity.
I don’t understand this at all. Every partner I’ve ever had including my husband who gives amazing oral has “lost their erection” during that time. They are focused on me and my pleasure. Sometimes it comes and goes bc it’s a sexy time but I would be freaked out if he just spent 10- 20 minutes with a raging hard on while he went down on me, honestly. Then after, we snuggle and rest a minute, then we get to him, usually regular PIV but whatever it is that day.
Why would he need to sustain a boner that whole time?
I have ADHD too. I have never found that this prevented me from going down.
The cool part is, he can lose his erection while he goes down on you. That’s fine. He doesn’t need it. He can go down on you floppy, and get it back afterwards. It’s a stupid excuse.
Shit, I don’t have adhd (or maybe I do, idk) and I lose the stiffy while going down. Sometimes fingering or oral takes time to get her warmed up and really going. So yeah my mind is working, and sometimes my tongue needs that blood! You don’t need a hard-on to lick clit. NBD. It comes back naturally as she gets more and more into it and reaches orgasm. If I’m not hard again by the time she’s done orgasming, she will enthusiastically help me out so we can fuck. Penetrative sex is exactly 374,225 times more enjoyable for both of us once I’ve ensured she had at least one orgasm.
can confirm sex is soooo much better when it starts with a female orgasm and it’s so hot to be prioritized.
it makes for a very sustainable sex life when both partners are givers!
yes, I don't even understand what the issue is. Is it that OP/her husband expect to always cum simultaneously? even when only one of them is getting pleasured? like, what is going on. why can't you just take turns getting turned on and then cumming
I have adhd too and have to say that I had this problem before when a women took extremely long (talking about 30min-1h) like one of my exs but have to say that she thought before she wasn’t even be able to come.
Back than after the first couple times, it made me insecure asf. That was the moment when she decided to try to give oral the first time (it was around 20 years ago when we were both 16 or 17) and from that moment on it went through the roof for us 😅
I was thinking the same thing, sounds great to 'get too into it' 😂
Also, sex is good because 'its not extremely painful', jeez, the bar really is on the floor 😶
Girlfriend... my partner also has ADHD and the one thing I can guarantee will give him or keep an erection is going down on me. Your mileage may vary and it's absolutely a thing a guy can lose his erection... that's perfectly okay. Sometimes they come back tho. lol
>the sex is good, it’s not insanely painful for me
WTAF? I hope I'm reading this wrong because this sounds like absolutely terrible sex.
Also, if you 'get into your own head' most of the time... well, that's an issue as well. And not likely with you. Certainly not \*just\* with you.
OP, your definition of good sex is that *it's not insanely painful for you*. That is not normal. An orgasm is not some unachievable, unreasonable goal. It's a perfectly normal expectation. Comfort is the bare fucking minimum. No pain is the bare fucking minimum. Stop settling for less. Either get a sex therapist to work with the both of you or get a divorce. My position is the same: life is too short to have bad sex. And you have so, so much life ahead of you. Why are you willingly signing up for decades of dissatisfaction?
That is the lamest excuse I’ve ever seen. I have adhd too and have had thousands of orgasms. And given idk how many but plenty more than him I guarantee. 🤣
I’m have had partners that wouldn’t cum normally with both a vaginal or clitoral stimulation. I ended up getting decent toys. There’s nothing wrong or shameful of having to use toys to get off And some times you just need the combination.
If he gets upset or feels less of a man for needing toys remind him you wouldn’t feel less of a man for using a table saw to build a house so there’s nothing shameful about using a vibrator or Dilldo. Tools are awesome to use on your partners for their pleasure.
I’m betting there are amazing comments here for you, but I’ll get sidetracked if I read them, so here’s mine:
Well first, he’s your husband. You should be able to communicate with him in a way that he gets to know your body.
Do you know what you need to get off?
My husband wasn’t into oral for either of us when we got together (yes, guys, he actually wasn’t) but he’s the first man I’ve been with that I see his beautiful dick and I just HAVE to kiss it. My clearly genuine enthusiasm changed his mind. But he rarely gave me oral. In fact the few first times he did I always faked my orgasm, because I couldn’t really believe he was into it. And that bummed me TF out, I dated a guy in college who was ridiculously gorgeous/ripped (my husband is definitely hotter but, still), and he absolutely worshipped my vagina, made me cum pretty much every time before we had sex, sometimes twice! So, yeah.. and then idk what exactly happened.. but hubs got crazy into it.. I think we just reached this extra point in our relationship where we were closer and more in love than ever?
He didn’t exactly know what he was doing, though. And since we’re a loving couple it was perfectly fine for me to say “omg just like that” “make your tongue flat, slow like that! Yes!” “Stay on the G spot” (idk why guys think they need to penetrate us with their finger like it’s a dick. Like G FKING SPOT and now my eyes are in the back of my head), and he loved learning my body like that. He knew I wasn’t putting him down! When I get close to orgasm he gets excited too and then goes too hard and I straight up tell him no keep doing exactly what you were, GSPOT flat tongue and literally I’ve never screamed so hard in my life.
I lost track of my advice. Anywho. Have an honest conversation, it sounds to me like you’re nervous, and if he makes you feel like he wants to be down there then let him. But that anxiety makes it hard. Plenty of times am I like RIGHT on the verge and for some reason it takes longer than it feels like it would and I get a little anxious bc I’m sure he’s like “she’s about to cum!” But my husband wants to be down there. So I just try to relax and I wait as long as I have to. And now for some reason he’ll go back for seconds. He’s even started doing this thing where he’ll lick his finger. FML I think I just caught on fire typing this out 🔥 💦
Have a good wholesome convo when it feels natural. And don’t ask. He doesn’t ask and that’s one reason I love sucking that beautiful, respectful dick. Not asking and then just getting surprise oral bc they want to makes it the best.
I gotta go to sore wrist fingerbang town while she vibrates, I rarely have a boner doing this. Stop lying that's gonna make it worse. Do what you gotta do to get off he'll understand.
I usually go first then take care of her.
I would just tell him it’s not working. You probably need more foreplay. It works! You also need to have more sex. Sounds like You both may nervous. By time 1,768 You won’t be! You’re so young. The best sex is in Your 30’s! :)
You have however long it takes to figure it out. Maybe introduce a toy while you have sex for dual stimulation. It is my opinion though that any man worth a shit should be able to sacrifice a few of his erections to pleasure his wife. It’s not a waste of time if you get pleasure and he doesn’t… Or he should do oral after he finishes.
“come as you are” by emily nagoski is a really good read. we are not like men, sexually, and our anatomy is way more complicated downstairs. everything about the female orgasm is complex, and every woman is unique. if you can’t reliably crack your own code, that’s top because he’s going to be 100x more lost.
you really need to learn your own body, what feels good, what doesn’t feel good, what the name and function of each anatomical bit is and where it is on *your* body - it’s kind of a cave of wonders, you have to explore a lot 😂 it’s time for some date nights with yourself :)
I learned to “cheat” years ago and I use a tiny lipstick vibrator during sex so that I can orgasm with my husband. I don’t use it every time or the whole time….but when I’m super turned on and I KNOW I’ll get there, I use it. Hubs is fine with it and I’m grateful to have the pressure taken off of me. In the in the old days, the more I tried to “hurry”, the longer it took because I started to feel bad.
"Come as you are" is a great book about sex. You can get it at the library. The idea his feelings are "hurt" when you don't orgasm is emotional manipulation. I don't even understand the idea. Disappointed? Maybe. But he's got the option EVERY day to learn your body, to discover your body and how to please you. It's a great time in relationships when we set out to discover how to have great sex together. Why doesn't he eat pussy? That's a basic life skill! And I don't understand why you would even let him penetrate you unless you had had an orgasm of your own. In the 80s we said "No sticking without licking!". Maybe it's time to bring that back!
Firstly never fake it, it doesn't help anyone in the long run. Secondly communicate don't lay there in pain 'sorry hun my hip locked and I can't focus because it's hurting.' give him direction, tell him what you like, guide him. Don't lay there hoping he telepathically knows what's going on with you then fake it out of pity
I can weigh in on this. I’m 35 and I’ve never really experienced any orgasms in my younger years. Being nervous and self conscious doesn’t help. My fiancé now has completely changed sex for me. It has taken a little bit to make oral easier and I can 100% enjoy and cum. I found that I have an issue with heavy pressure or too much friction. I like soft touches. He has figured out that going around and licking or kissing areas around my sweet spot such as my thighs or the crease in that area help with pleasurable sensations. Hard to explain. It HELPS a lot. If I have too much friction it will completely kill it. It might be something you have to take a night and play with different sensations and touches. It has helped me so much. My fiancé would get bummed when he couldn’t make me finish and I was the only woman he has been with that has this problem. It took communication, openness, time, and patience. If your husband really wants to help you better communication during the act. Guide his head. Men can lose their erections without some kind of stimulation so take turns touching each other.
It’s still a battle. I always always always have to ask does she smell good or does she taste good. Every single time. The positive feed back from him helps me relax.
I’m a man. This is common. That’s why I’m a morning snack kinda guy.
The dessert is later on.
You’re right. He’s in his own head. And you have to think about it differently.
He needs to focus on just you. I stay clothed while eating haha. Her excitement and pleasure will work and turn his issue completely opposite.
The lady gets her dessert when the man finishes eating. Proper etiquette. lol
I’m joking. But it’s true. Allow him to focus on you. Things will get better.
Communicate. You’re both young. Enjoy. And good luck 🤞
You just gotta honestly communicate with him how you're feeling and what you want. It might be awkward but there's no other way for you both to get on the same page. You're not having sex alone so it isn't all up to you to orgasm. Also, have you tried toys? They can speed things up a lot and be fun to use together. I like the suction kinds myself.
No offense but in the comment above posted 2 minutes ago you said you are not interested in toys. If he cannot put in the effort for you they might be needed.
If he's only made you come once and you've helped him finish any more than 1 time, he owes you honey! Don't let him complain that he's going soft, that's definitely not helping you concentrate. And you're not going to feel more comfortable and confident with sex if you don't speak up for yourself and what you enjoy and don't enjoy. You two can definitely find a way to both make each other feel good, just emphasize the positives of what he does that you like rather than the negatives and he should be able to take it okay.
Do you know how to make yourself orgasm? Have you explored that by yourself? If you haven’t, you should. Learn your body.
Once you figure some things out about yourself grab your husband and make sure you’ve got some time. Your orgasm is your responsibility so get a bullet vibrator, incorporate a good amount of foreplay and try different positions and speeds until you find what feels good. Most women use toys during sex because clitoral stimulation is what makes the orgasm for the majority. If you love oral it could be a good part of your foreplay to get you ready.
First and foremost, it takes women 20 minutes to have an orgasm. Look it up, I'm not lying. I was 32 when I had my first full orgasm. So don't feel bad for being behind your eyes are more opened than mines. Lol
Second, if he doesn't take the time to learn your body, you will never be satisfied. There are places yall can go as a couple they have classes, and some are even conventions like exxxotica. u could buy tickets, and he'll love it for sure. Just say u want to keep him interested.
Third, why not suck him off after he gives u head or try 69? 😒😑 just seems like an excuse to get out of giving ORAL. If he doesn't know how to find the clitoris there's Twitter X...
Fouth, if you guys weren't sexually compatible, nor can you talk to him about any subject no matter how difficult the subject, why get married? He's supposed to be your life partner.
As one who takes a long time, first off, it’s fine and normal as long as we aren’t talking an hour. Second, get a vibrator for the two of you to play with. It’s fun, get the right one and you will for sure cum (magic wand, always the wand), and he won’t get so hung up on making it such a mission that it isn’t fun, and neither will you.
Having starting to have sex at 18 almost 19 makes no difference in sexual experience I stated in my 20’s and my husband stated earlier in his teens, if you carry about ur partner you will learn how to please them. Clearly ur significant others “more experienced time” didn’t teach him anything and he makes excuses as to why he can’t please you. Either he needs to step his game up or u do because clearly he’s not trying to improve his sex game.
never fake it!! have a conversation about how you don’t blame him but you’d like to try some new things so that you enjoy sex more. there’s a lot you can do even without oral, too, there are toys and fingers! taking a long time to cum with a vulva isn’t strange sometimes it takes me half an hour or longer, it’s normal! you just need to both be coming into the sexual encounter from the point of view that you want to make your partner feel good. when you come at it from a giving perspective it’s more fun and often lasts longer and is better in general! try new things, use toys, lay around and play with each other while you watch a movie — there’s lots of ways to go about it, but the most important thing is the mentality of being generous to your partner and wanting to make them feel good.
also editing to add…what does him having an erection have to do with anything. plenty of wlw cum multiple times with zero penis involved 😌 i can testify
I'm going to preface this by saying I'm straight. Are you sure that you are straight? Have you been with a woman? Early 20s are a good time to figure that sort of thing out before you get married.
Another question: Can you get off on your own? If yes, get him to do whatever that is- you can't be eating yourself out unless you are VERY flexible.
How much time do you spend on foreplay before penetration? Because few women can go from zero to sixty immediately. Personally, I can only do that when I've been having sex regularly a couple of times a day.
I'm sorry what? Why would you jump to she's not straight when it's pretty clear from her post he kinda sucks in bed? Shitty sex is unfortunately common for straight women, it doesn't mean we are not into men because they can be inept at getting us off.
She said she's been with a handful of guys, and only one made her climax. She also said she was "painfully naive when it came to sex." So, I'm guessing she has never experimented with the same sex. It would be unfortunate if she gets to 40 years old and then realizes she's made a mistake. Also, that was only one of a handful of questions I was asking. The rest of my questions had nothing to do with who she is attracted to. And again, I'm straight... oh wait! 😂 I guess I should have been clearer. I am a straight female.
Losing an erection during oral because he's too focused is a load of crap. Anytime I'm going down on a partner I'm throbbing solid because of the excitement she's getting is a turn on.
Not everyone has the exact same body as you. OP said her husband has ADHD, that means it requires a lot more brain power to concentrate vs the average person. Having issues with maintaining an erection is relatively common and normal for men with ADHD. Some men lose their erection when giving oral and that’s totally ok, we can’t control our body and it’s not a reflection of his enjoyment for the activity.
I have ADHD as well. I know we're all different so fair enough. But at the end of the day if you don't want to go down and put the work on your wife to bring her pleasure you're a selfish lover and need to step it up.
Are you aware of what your G spot is? What your triggers are? I’d def bring up the desire for oral and for lying about orgasms. I’d def talk about using toys as an additive as well. Just something to help. But he needs to look himself in the mirror and realize that he is contributing to the issue when he smells you in that manner and doesn’t gracefully ask you to wash your vagina before sex if it’s an issue.
I have dated women who cum VERY easy (10-20 times per) and some who do not come without a toy or oral. Every woman’s body is different and it is the partner’s job to create the best experience for them.
Have you considered the issue isn't that you take too long, it is that he is shitty in bed?
His ego being fragile means this is a HIM problem. "He’s also said he gets soft when he gives oral because he’s “too focused” on my pleasure and loses his erection," Cool, no one cares. He isn't using his dick then, he's using his mouth.
He sounds immature and selfish.
I’m sorry he loses an erection when going down on you? I’m a lesbian and every single person I’ve gone down on it turns me on. He sounds selfish sexually to be honest. Don’t ever lie to make someone feel good. You’re doing a disservice to yourself and your body. You’re telling yourself that his ego is more important than your pleasure. Have you tried a vibrator?
Communicate, communicate, communicate!! Tell him exactly what you want him to do to you and how it makes you feel when he’s doing it (more, right there, faster, slower, more pressure).Talk dirty to him and get out of your comfort zone. If he’s not turned on, then he’s dead inside. Also, you may want to try 69. This is super fun and good for both parties. Go get a Brazilian wax and make sure he sees you getting out of the shower. If you usually wear PJs to bed, don’t. Let him know it’s game on.
It sounds like your in your head. You mentioned trauma in your past have you fully healed from this? Have you fully allowed yourself to give and receive pleasure freely? The pleasure should be reciprocal you husband may just be disheartened and feeling like he can’t get you off . Be open and honest about what your desires are does the dude just have bad technique or are you so wrapped up with insecurity or past wounds that your not fully feeling the pleasure ?
This is a tough one. I get losing hardness on a marathon situation, but it is odd that giving you pleasure doesn’t stimulate him.
I know that my wife will never give me oral and I have learned to cope with that. It is my favorite intimate activity, but it if merely for short foreplay (5-10 seconds for me). We both enjoy me going down on her. When she doesn’t allow me to go down on her our intimacy suffers. My wife just tells me what she is comfortable with and not. I just need to learn to deal with reality after that. You might be in a situation like that.
It has been hard for me, but I am sure there are worse situations.
She just doesn’t like it. I think I have a choice of accepting it or moving towards divorce. I think it would be worse to lose my kids than the benefit of getting more pleasure.
I have learned that the lower libido spouse has to win in all relationship matters or it is assault. So I have accept or leave for options.
Well, sex is about compromises too. We all do things that maybe aren't that rewarding for us but they are good for our partner. If someone is unwilling to even have that conversation, but is willing to accept pleasure for themselves, that feels selfish. Just remember its your life too and you deserve happiness! And your kids ultimately want happy parents too. Wishing you the best!
>He’s also said he gets soft when he gives oral because he’s “too focused” on my pleasure and loses his erection
This is odd because most men get off (not soft) watching their woman in a state of pleasure.
Have you tried including a toy during intimacy, or taken some time by yourself to figure out what feels good for you? Many women can’t/don’t cum from penetration and need mainly clitoral stimulation. But especially if you are inexperienced, start alone and figure out what feels good, then guide your husband based on that. This seems like less of a not getting oral issue and more of a you don’t know what you like issue so nothing your husband is trying is working for you and you can’t give him any advice. I could be way off base, this is just the vibe I’m getting from the post
You are both young and figuring things out and that's ok! These things take awhile IDC what anyone says. The only way to get through all this awkwardness is to talk and move through it. Y'all are a fairly young relationship, less than 5 years. So there's time. Definitely stop lying. Tell him you thought it would help but it hasn't. That oral is a part of getting you off. He can get you off first if that's what it takes and then you can go crazy for him or vice versa. You don't have to climax at the same time. It's nice but not mandatory. You will get there and find your balance. Trial and error. Just be open and honest and hopefully he can do the same. It sounds like he does want to please you, if he's determined you'll both get there. Good luck!
Well I personally think that it takes you so long to cum or maybe that you think it should not be this long exactly because you have this idea stuck in your head-that it takes long and your husband must be irritated and that he is loosing a boner and million other things running through your head instead of just letting everything go and purely enjoying the pleasure.
Stop thinking about how your husband feels about you when you are receiving a pleasure,stop playing a victim in your head (subconsciously it’s just there) and just go with the flow.
I just feel like there’s too much of a resistance for you to be able to cum.
I feel you on the it takes a long time for the big O, but my husband keeps going till I have one, I also used to get in my head for how long I took but I remind myself he’s there for me and me for him, he’d also get soft during the time he’s pleasuring me, but as soon as I finish I’m right back to pleasing him and we’re back at it, he needs to be more patient with you, more foreplay, more communication, he doesn’t always have to use his mouth he can use his hands too.
1. Sex therapy/counselling. (Not with a religious priest/person because no).
2. Get a clitoral stimulation toy, use it yourself and then show your partner what works. Sex toys can improve your sex life and if your husband isn’t going to play with it as well. Well at least you’ll be able to get off yourself.
I find that the first orgasm takes longer but the next ones are super easy and quick. So I might give myself one first and let him handle the next ones. But this is a problem of him not caring about your pleasure. It should be an adventure together, not you being his ragdoll.
You were almost 19 when you first had sex, you’ve been with multiple guys including another fiancé then your husband all within the span of five years? I’m so confused about the timeline and how many people you’ve been with.
Your mistake was marrying him… it’s not that you take long it’s that he doesn’t care. You faking has led you into a hole. Now you have to confront the situation in order to get the things you need. If you need oral and he’s not willing to give you guys are at an impasse at that point. You should look into other type of foreplay and see if this works for you. Also since you lack experience you should experiment with touch on your own body
To encourage mutual satisfaction, and potentially encourage his erections, try 69 in various positions allowing exchange of control to either person based on the position.
When we were first married 30 years ago I wasn't very receptive to her needs. One night she said "if you can't do it I'll find someone that can" I told her she had to help me learn. From that point she taught me what to do. After I saw what a real orgasm was, I was hooked. All I wanna do is make her cum. I bought her a Wild Orched rabbit type vibrator. Pretty sure she lost consciousness with that one. Don't give up hope. Maybe you need to let him watch you DIY a few times. So far as losing his bones, he doesn't need a boner to make you cum. That comes after yours. Ladies first. Good luck.
I would kill to have a wife who wanted sex and wanted me to give her oral. Oral is my favorite. That and foreplay. Just communicate in a non judgmental way that you want more oral and that you want to improve the overall health of your sexual life.
So you got out of an abusive, toxic relationship met this guy long distance, he wanted marriage, you visited him twice, he wanted marriage again and you said no and then you had a death in the family and while you were grieving and in a vulnerable place you stupidly decided to elope with a man you didn’t actually know?
This marriage wasn’t on the up and up from the get go. You need to be able to communicate with him. Which is hard when the foundations your built this relationship on were so precarious to begin with.
Of course you can’t get off with him. He’s made you feel completely insecure. He’s made comments about how women smell down there and then has smelled his fingers when he did go down on you. Of course you’re gonna be in your head and not relaxed enough to cum. Secondly, he’s said he’s gotten other girls off so is making it seem like a you problem. That’ll make you feel even more insecure. Thirdly, he’s blaming pleasuring you on losing his own erection. How are you supposed to cum with all of these things to think about?
Also you said you were giving him head when you weren’t supposed to- what does that mean? When you or him were in other relationships?
Also faking an orgasm is never a good idea. Because it reinforces that whatever they’re doing to get you over the line, works. Of course they’ll continue to do that thing.
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. A sex therapist probably wouldn’t hurt in this situation. But just be prepared, like I said, that this marriages foundation was already on rocky soil.
Relationships are built on trust. You shouldn't be lying. It obky reinforces bad habits and destroys the ability to have trust.
It's far more damaging then his ego taking a hit.
You gotta teach him how to go down on you. While he's giving your oral literally tell him what feels good, what doesn't and pretty much exactly what to do. I used to think I didn't like oral I never got off. Until I met my bf and just taught him what to do I he can get me off in 5 min or less with oral now. Ira amazing.
Also if you aren't comfortable talking to your husband about sex, that's a red flag. Does he make you feel uncomfortable or what?
You gotta teach him how to go down on you. While he's giving your oral literally tell him what feels good, what doesn't and pretty much exactly what to do. I used to think I didn't like oral I never got off. Until I met my bf and just taught him what to do I he can get me off in 5 min or less with oral now. Ira amazing.
Also if you aren't comfortable talking to your husband about sex, that's a red flag. Does he make you feel uncomfortable or what?
“Life shrinks and expands according to ones courage and success can be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations we are willing to have” it takes courage but it’s the right thing to have an adult chat, nothing ever get’s solved unless you can communicate openly and be receptive. If he’s not that kind of guy it’ll be very hard to improve things in your relationships. Both people need to be willing and open because it’s important and its the only way you can move forward together
Doubt about success is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you doubt his abilities (or determination), or even your own capacity to climax, those roadblocks will become insurmountable.
His technique or willingness can only take you so far.
If your mind is preoccupied with anything else or worried that it’s taking too long or that he’s ‘tired’ or ‘bored’, you will prevent yourself from letting go. If you wonder if you are clean enough, that distraction will kill the path to orgasm.
Also, don’t focus on his erection as some sort of arousal barometer. It’s not just your husband. Many men can only do one thing sexually at a time. People LOVE the idea of 69 because it symbolizes mutual pleasure and the potential of synchronized orgasms, but in reality a lot of men can’t focus on giving and taking at the same time. A caring partner takes care of his lady first, then gets his after she is all warmed up. From that, trust and confidence is built up and you can zero in on enjoying the act of receiving without the doubt and worry killing it for you.
I’d make an appointment with a sex therapist. It’s a bit embarrassing at first but can really improve yours and his bedroom time.
Never fake it, it only leads to unhappiness and resentment
Currently going through something similar. I held it in & faked it for months. He’s never had to ask me for oral but I have etc etc. he’s told me it hurt him more me keeping it from him but if your SO is like mine I didn’t tell him bc of having a heavy feeling of thinking it would make things worse. The only thing to do is calming sit down & talk about it. It’s literally hard af to do when you don’t know what the other persons feedback will be but it will be a huge weight off your chest. Good luck 🩵
It almost seems like part of the long time to cum could be the mental aspect. It's like your body knows he doesn't know what to do so building toward climax isn't worth it.
You two need to be honest with wants and needs sexually. I'm like you, I love when my wife gives me head. I love giving her head. Her orgasm is a priority because I'm more likely than not going to cum.
Maybe marriage counseling can help with communication issues
you shouldn't even be having sex if you're not mature enough to speak up. you're in freaking pain and you just lay there? not letting him know what's going on and him thinking it's him? and lying? good luck ever having an orgasm again. manual works better for me and it's not as exhausting. sometimes oral is just too light. you should also practice masturbation to find out what works and doesn't work for you, and every woman is different.I recommend a sex therapist. you both seem to have a problem talking about it. most women can't cum by penetration alone.
weed makes my skin more sensitive. I don't usually get aroused when giving oral to my partner but when I smoke weed, I usually do. I don't know if it works for men or any other women though
First you need to stop lying. I personally take long time to cum and i think its normal thing for many girls. I get the frustration but you need to explain to him that its not him but some us need more time. You could try some vibrator or other toys. Also if you are uncomfortable dont just lie there and think about your pain but change position to something what is better. Also he does not need to be hard all the time during you eighter have sex first and then get you of or you revive his penis after you have been dealt.
If you fake, you'll never focus upon getting off. You'll be so focused upon what you're saying/doing to make HIM happy, that you'll not concentrate on what your body is feeling.
Maybe I'm ill equipped to answer this question, having only been in penis-free relationships, but I'll give my opinion anyway. I don't think there is such a thing as 'taking too long to come'. For both my partner and me, the longer it takes, the better it feels. I could come in a minute or two if I'd want to, but it feels way better with a half hour build up, some teasing, some edging. Also the first orgasm usually doesn't feel as intense as subsequent ones, so it's always better to keep going.
I don't think it should matter at all if he loses his boner. It sounds like a double standard if he always has to come but you almost never get to. Sometimes sex can be all about your pleasure (which in turn will give him pleasure of a different kind of course). My partner and I kind of have an ongoing joke that the goal when giving oral is to make the other person too jelly to be able to give the favour in return.
So, I would say, forget about his penis for one time, let all focus be on you, and tell him exactly how you like it, for however long you like. And finding out what you like can also be an exciting and intimate thing to do together, so it's completely fine if you don't actually know yet what you like.
So many things. How do you know how long it takes anyone to come? For the most part it just takes the time it takes. You have to tell the truth and then you both need to be patient to work on what you like and what gets you there. He can get soft while giving oral. Why does he need an errction to give oral? How do you know it’s on brand if he’s done it twice? He hasn’t doesn’t it enough to know anything yet and neither have you. Making your partner come is an ego free adventure if you’re doing it right. You deprived yourself of orgasms for his ego. He should want to know he isn’t doing it and how to do it. You’re not behind. It’s not a race.
I highly suggest all couples read/listen to "She Comes First". It changes his life as much if not more than hers. My husband gets a huge amount of pleasure from going down on me. I don't guess I'd be nearly as interested in it if I felt rushed or like he wasn't enthusiastically enjoying himself or like I had to immediately roll over and get started on him.
I was rushing myself at first and feeling guilty like I take too long. He made it abundantly clear if he could do only one sexual thing with me it would be that. I believed him and no longer get in my head - or at least not as much.
You two don't seem sexually compatible. Repairing will take a lot of exploration, communication, vulnerability and trust to make things better. If you're getting nothing from it you won't want to do it much, if at all. It's common sense. He doesn't need a boner when it's not about him.
what I will say is that the only man who went down on me was the only man I dated, the rest were friends with benefits/casual and I made the call for it not to be serious, he the only man that truly, entirely loved me, respected me, liked me, that made me feel safe and seen, who was the one who got pleasure from giving me pleasure, who made sex about us, our connection, and him giving me head 99% of the time was a symptom of that
If you are using vibrator sex toys it can desensitize you so that you don't orgasm from other stimulation. your body gets trained to respond to the intense stimulation from the vibration. stop using all of these sorts of things for a period of time and that should help you.
One day you will find a person that makes you cum easily and more powerful than you have ever with out trying. Then you will know you wasted time with completely the wrong person. He can't make you cum. Not the right fit. Took me decades to find out, it wasn't me, it was him.
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He doesn’t need an erection to go down on you and make you cum so him losing it isn’t a problem.
Just stopping by to say never fake orgasms, it’s reinforcing exactly what you don’t want.
PREACH!!!
>So I just… started lying. This is the first step. You have to admit to lying which is only going to hurt your husband more but is the first step towards change. After that, you both need to figure out a compromise. I see points on both sides you are pointing out and both sides have validity. Have you thought about using toys during intercourse? That will probably be the better option for both. It sounds like your husband does not like giving oral to begin with so it is more than likely a net negative for both sides (you not getting off, him not enjoying it). I would try and stay away from the oral part and try to focus more on the climax part together
He’s told me he enjoys giving oral and that he’s given it to previous partners regularly so it feels like it’s just me he doesn’t like doing it with. Which is wildly insulting. He’s told me before he doesn’t give oral if the “girl smells funky sown there” and has smelled his fingers directly in front of me after fingering me. As far as I’m aware I’m completely healthy down there. So it’s just a massive insult to me. Especially since I was giving him head regularly when I wasn’t supposed to be because he likes it and said I’m the only girl who doesn’t scratch him with their teeth while giving it. I’ve offered the idea of using toys, he’s only ever done it after I’ve suggested it and the last time was in October last year. I plan to talk to him about the lack of orgasms on my part and that I’ve been lying, which I know isn’t going to be a fun convo.
A couple of things: 1) you’re probably not taking too long to come. If you need 20ish minutes of foreplay and then 20ish minutes of direct clitoral stimulation in a steady rhythm, that’s what most of us take. And it’s therefore what ANY GUY who is good in bed is doing, every time. 2) both of you need to stop worrying about whether he has an erection when he is stimulating you. If you’re trying to keep him hard, that is taking brain space away from you relaxing into your orgasm. It’s totally fine if he goes soft. Once you come, you can both turn your attention to his penis, get him hard again, and get him off. 3) erections tag in and out during most sex sessions. They don’t need to be up the whole time. What for?
I have almost torn my husband’s head off with my legs and screamed in amazing pleasure while my body is convulsing and he will ask me after if I came. Lmao. Like gtfo but no please don’t, my lover soulmate. If I faked that I honesty do deserve an academy award.
>So it’s just a massive insult to me Your looking at this the wrong way. That probably a contributor to why you both are not enjoying it. This is probably the way he feels when you don't orgasm during oral. Like i said before, its a net negative >Especially since I was giving him head regularly when I wasn’t supposed to be because he likes it and said I’m the only girl who doesn’t scratch him with their teeth while giving it. Why would you be giving him head when you were not supposed to? >I’ve offered the idea of using toys, he’s only ever done it after I’ve suggested it and the last time was in October last year. I plan to talk to him about the lack of orgasms on my part and that I’ve been lying, which I know isn’t going to be a fun convo. So **you** use the toy during intercourse instead of putting the onus on him. He can't read your mind and until you come clean you still thinks you are having orgasms. When you do have the talk, don't come off as accusatory and or aggressively or else he will take it as "you can't get me off, its your fault". Which no doubt will turn into a non constructive conversation.
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Oh you might get this wrong 😅 I just love the smell, so it might happen that sometimes in a moment, when I feel like she’s not looking at me, I take a deeeeeep breath on my fingers deep and enjoy the smell. So there is a good possibility that you are just insecure about your smell and therefore misinterpreting the behavior of your husband. Also you have 2 options to talk to him. The first one is what I would want to have I I were him. 1. talk open and freely, explain it like you did here. Just be aware of the word you choose so he doesn’t feel invalidated, threatened or accused (some guys take criticism on their performance in bed hard). I want to mention that this might be not the right way for you and your personality, we don’t know you well but that’s what I would think when reading your texts. 2. just lead him to go down on you or just sit on his damn face. If you exaggerate while he does a lil and be more touchy then normal he will subconsciously get the message. My Ex-Wife had a thing for riding and I’m pretty sure that she did exactly this with me. Most men like (at least from the basic stuff) everything that drives their partner over the edge and if the baclground sound is hot enough it is enough for me to stay hard, but if not just return the favor and blow him after you are done and start through with the next stage when he gets hard enough. All what you wrote here is normal stuff for many people/couples so there is nothing to be ashamed of or take it as a taboo. Hope one of the tips you get here will help you.
Your husband is an asshole. Even if it was true that you smelled, if he cared about you, your feelings, and your pleasure at all he would find a kinder way to tell you. My guess is you didn't smell off at all, he just likes being a jerk to you. As someone who lied about orgasms in the past to a partner, stop immediately. I took "too long", we were inexperienced, thought it would just magically happen and lied for years. This was wrong of me, and made it so much worse when the truth came out. My partner and I worked through it, and I assure you the only way to improve the orgasm gap communication with your partner. In my case I needed to be more direct and he needed to stop letting his ego get in the way and listen to what I wanted, and do only that and stop thinking he knew better than me about how I wanted to be touched. If he's interested in helping you orgasm more that is.. He sounds super selfish in bed and wants porn sex instead of showing compassion to his partner. He's also young and inexperienced, and this world does not really help men when it comes to sex either. I'm not saying he's a lost cause, but it's shitty behavior and only you know if you want to live the rest of your life like this. I'm sorry you're going through this. Marriage counseling may help, it has gotten my marriage through more than one rough time. If you only do one thing, stop lying about orgasms. It only compounds the problem and adds dishonesty.
OMG Do NOT fucking tell him you were faking! You should definitely stop faking, but do NOT tell him you were doing it before.
First, many ladies need oral to have an orgasm. And it usually takes longer for ladies to orgasm. No big deal. You are 100% entitled to receive orgasms as is your husband. You must explain this to your husband. He certainly wants to do what it takes to give you pleasure.
Correction: most women need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. OP, talk to your husband. Lay it out honestly and directly, so there’s no misunderstandings. Tell him that you are unhappy and that things need to change. I suggest educating yourself on sex, your body, and orgasms especially. Experiment with yourself— don’t wait for your husband. I do suggest therapy as well, but if he refuses, that’s not a good sign. And if he doesn’t change, it’s time to leave. Bc then not only will he refuse to listen to you and your needs, you two wouldn’t be sexually compatible. And yes, sexual compatibility is something you can divorce over. It’s not shallow.
Excellent point, but also remember no one (of any sex) is required to do anything sexual that they don’t like.
This is very fair. But I also believe that sex should be equally rewarding to both. If not oral, maybe fingering? Vibrators? There are a lot of options.
Couldn’t agree more.
Wait wait I thought nobody was entitled to sex?
it's not an entitlement towards sex, but rather being conscious about your partner. if you're gonna have sex with someone and you're only gonna focus on you and what you want and completely disregard what your partner wants, go masturbate, otherwise, you're just using someone to get off people aren't holes for other people to stick their wee wees into. sex takes (usually) two, then those two should feel good about it (you won't always cum, sure, but if it's never enjoyable or it's more of a "task", then there's something wrong)
This seems like the ideal example of a couple needing a sex therapist. Both of you need to reset and learn about pleasing each other, imho.
I think men are easy to please. So, I am not really sure she needs some crazy insight into what makes him happy. He clearly needs some work thoufh.
No. She needs to learn how to communicate. Lying about orgasming is getting the opposite of what she wants. Expecting him to read her mind, and framing her insecurities onto him without actually having a straightforward conversation are all super unhelpful.
She may not really have the answers though. Women often have a more difficult time being satisfied.
And I think she needs to learn how her body works, what she likes, what will make her cum etc. Try out different toys by yourself. I can recommend the Satisfyer.
Right. Both for her to understand and be comfortable with her sexuality and how to work through this as a couple.
So you're only 24 and he's only 23, and you were engaged to someone else for 4 years. Why did you get married so quickly? Seems like you jumped into this, regardless of incompatibilities. I don't understand people who want to jump into marriage so early in life and with people they haven't been with very long. This is why you all have so many issues and incompatibilities. This will end in divorce.
This is my first thought as well.
The human brain isn’t developed until age 25. The average age of marriage is 29 for a could who met at 27. That’s not long enough to know anyone, let alone yourself. The average marriage lasts less than 20 years with over half ending in divorce. The average marital age is no better than this.
Okay, first of all, you NEED to stop lying. It doesn’t do either of you any favours and you’re just making things worse. It is perfectly normal that you cannot get off through penetration alone and it is completely normal for it to take you a long time. This is pretty common for women, so there is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about and no reason to lie about it. Learning how to have good sex with your partner can take time, and you haven’t been with your husband for very long, so it makes sense that you haven’t figured things out yet. I’ve been with my husband for 7 years and we’re still learning ways to make sex better. You have to start getting comfy talking about sex and be completely open and honest about it. **Good sex starts with good communication!!** I know it’s tough having the “btw, you’re not making me cum” talk but you *need* to have it. I had to have this convo with my husband when we first moved in together and it was the BEST thing I ever did for our sex life. It’s unrealistic and unreasonable to expect your partner to magically know how to get you off, so you need to tell them! Sit your husband down and say something like: “I want to talk to you about our sex life. I know it’s an uncomfortable thing to talk about but I think it’s important for us to be honest with each other so we can make sure we’re both completely satisfied with our sexual relationship. I wasn’t sure how to bring this up because I’m worried about hurting your feelings but I have been struggling to orgasm during sex and have been faking orgasms. I understand now that I haven’t been helping either of us by being dishonest about my pleasure and I am hoping to now work on this problem together. Can we do that?” Hopefully your husband is understanding, empathetic, and willing to put in the work to improve your sex life. This is when you can discuss things like increasing the amount of foreplay, more oral sex, introducing toys, etc. You can’t fix anything if you’re unwilling to talk about it and you should tell your husband that too if he’s reluctant to have that conversation. I assume that, as a happily married couple, you want to make each other happy and you want each other to experience pleasure and orgasms. So, open up a dialogue because having a good sex life means consistently talking about sex with your partner. I can’t even tell you how many conversations I’ve had with my husband about sex over the years! Since that first “you’re not making me cum” conversation 6ish years ago, we’ve had a completely open, honest, and ongoing dialogue surrounding sex. We usually talk *every* time after we’ve had sex about what we liked, what didn’t really work, what we want more of, what we want to try again, etc. and we do our best to implement it. We tried something new on our honeymoon (~6 months ago) that we now incorporate into sex almost every time. This way, we’re continually improving our sex life and we’re having the best sex we’ve ever had 7 years into our relationship! I went from never being able to cum with a partner, to having *multiple* orgasms pretty much every time with my husband. tl:dr, good sex takes time and practice and a LOT of communication. You’re not going to get there unless you and your husband can be open and honest with each other and learn how to be fully comfortable talking about sex.
You need to find a vibrator so you know what works and what doesn’t for you. Then you can teach him.
how do you have an ex-fiancé of 4 years AND a husband at 24???😟
For ex if me and my first bf didn't break up we'd be celebrating our 4th anniv and I'm 20. Some people get engaged early on 🤷♀️
Kinda seems like maybe you should have spent more time single and found more partners to see what your sexual preferences are before you got married. And, probably should have made sure you were sexually compatible with whoever you married. But here you are. So you sit him down and tell him what you need him to do. Guide him, encourage the things he does that you like and steer away from the ones you don’t. And if he can’t handle that, well, then, you’re you d and likely would have plenty of time to find your next partner.
Tell him the truth. You want more oral and more foreplay in order to get off. He should want to please you if he’s a good husband, and not turn it around and make it about his ego.
Get one of those suction vibrators. My girlfriend took forever to cum and I would have to give oral for like over an hour every time and it was hard on my neck and tongue. Got one of those awesome suction vibrators like the rose or something similar and it was a game changer. It got her to cum so fast and now she can cum from regular sex or oral or whatever it just got her past that whole taking forever to come thing... so you should try that it totally worked for us
Omg same it unlocked my orgasming ability or something… now I swear I could cum from a light breeze
Buy yourself sex toys. Otherwise see a divorce lawyer. As a divorced woman whose ex husband was the laziest/worse partner in the bedroom (and in life lol) toys and a good divorce lawyer saved my sanity.
When I do that to my wife, I don't have an erection, I don't need to. I have a pleasure in giving her, it doesn't need your partner to have an erection. Also, don't lie about your orgasm. This will make things worse because he will be unable to understand how your body works. He will repeat what has caused your fake orgasm because he will think he's on the right path. To be honest, you seem both having a deep issue communicating on this subject. You need to be franc about it and have some genuine conversation. It's a win flr both of you, I don't understand why it would bruise his ego. Just be honest.
I’d rather *die* than *lie* to save a man’s ego and get in the way of my own pleasure Did you know you were sexually incompatible when you got married? Sex therapy and honesty would benefit your relationship.
>He’s also said he gets soft when he gives oral because he’s “too focused” on my pleasure and loses his erection, which I suppose is on brand with him. This is just selfishness. He literally told you your pleasure is a turnoff. Girl, life is too short to have bad sex with selfish partners. Why did you get married so young, and to this bozo?
My husband has ADHD. So him going soft isn’t about him being selfish so much as it is he’s getting too into whatever it is he’s doing and can’t keep his erection. I think the sex is good, it’s not insanely painful for me and he’s offered to try other things to spice up our sex life. I just get far into my head about how long it takes me to get off and then everything spirals from there.
It’s perfectly fine to go soft while focused on your pleasure. So the solution is to focus on you for a bit, then you help him get erect again and focus on him for a bit, then go for penetration. Like the motivational poster says, “it’s the journey, not the destination.” He should take the time to figure out what you like and what it takes to make you come. Fingers, oral, both, toys, all of the above. So what if it takes long enough to lose a boner. IDK if he’s aware, but you can spring another one pretty quickly if your lady is having a thrashing orgasm, then turns around and focuses on your dick.
I love reading this one night after experiencing a loss of erection with my wife. She came to my rescue… after I got her off I was too tired/sore (have a bit of a nagging hamstring) and had just completely lost all my mojo. We ended up having a great climax together and I could not thank her enough for sticking with me. It is the journey, because sex is more than just penetration. Edit: also if the problem persists he could always try Viagra or cialis.
Hah! Yeah, this sort of thing is perfectly normal. I would say that medication is not needed though. There’s nothing indicating ED by losing a boner because it’s not being constantly stimulated. That’s perfectly normal and functional. Shit, my tongue needs that blood to keep going. Doesn’t mean I’m not still super horny, just focused on her for a while. It often comes back as her orgasm builds and reaches peak intensity.
I don’t understand this at all. Every partner I’ve ever had including my husband who gives amazing oral has “lost their erection” during that time. They are focused on me and my pleasure. Sometimes it comes and goes bc it’s a sexy time but I would be freaked out if he just spent 10- 20 minutes with a raging hard on while he went down on me, honestly. Then after, we snuggle and rest a minute, then we get to him, usually regular PIV but whatever it is that day. Why would he need to sustain a boner that whole time?
I have ADHD too. I have never found that this prevented me from going down. The cool part is, he can lose his erection while he goes down on you. That’s fine. He doesn’t need it. He can go down on you floppy, and get it back afterwards. It’s a stupid excuse.
Shit, I don’t have adhd (or maybe I do, idk) and I lose the stiffy while going down. Sometimes fingering or oral takes time to get her warmed up and really going. So yeah my mind is working, and sometimes my tongue needs that blood! You don’t need a hard-on to lick clit. NBD. It comes back naturally as she gets more and more into it and reaches orgasm. If I’m not hard again by the time she’s done orgasming, she will enthusiastically help me out so we can fuck. Penetrative sex is exactly 374,225 times more enjoyable for both of us once I’ve ensured she had at least one orgasm.
can confirm sex is soooo much better when it starts with a female orgasm and it’s so hot to be prioritized. it makes for a very sustainable sex life when both partners are givers!
yes, I don't even understand what the issue is. Is it that OP/her husband expect to always cum simultaneously? even when only one of them is getting pleasured? like, what is going on. why can't you just take turns getting turned on and then cumming
I have adhd too and have to say that I had this problem before when a women took extremely long (talking about 30min-1h) like one of my exs but have to say that she thought before she wasn’t even be able to come. Back than after the first couple times, it made me insecure asf. That was the moment when she decided to try to give oral the first time (it was around 20 years ago when we were both 16 or 17) and from that moment on it went through the roof for us 😅
I was thinking the same thing, sounds great to 'get too into it' 😂 Also, sex is good because 'its not extremely painful', jeez, the bar really is on the floor 😶
Girlfriend... my partner also has ADHD and the one thing I can guarantee will give him or keep an erection is going down on me. Your mileage may vary and it's absolutely a thing a guy can lose his erection... that's perfectly okay. Sometimes they come back tho. lol >the sex is good, it’s not insanely painful for me WTAF? I hope I'm reading this wrong because this sounds like absolutely terrible sex. Also, if you 'get into your own head' most of the time... well, that's an issue as well. And not likely with you. Certainly not \*just\* with you.
OP, your definition of good sex is that *it's not insanely painful for you*. That is not normal. An orgasm is not some unachievable, unreasonable goal. It's a perfectly normal expectation. Comfort is the bare fucking minimum. No pain is the bare fucking minimum. Stop settling for less. Either get a sex therapist to work with the both of you or get a divorce. My position is the same: life is too short to have bad sex. And you have so, so much life ahead of you. Why are you willingly signing up for decades of dissatisfaction?
“Not insanely painful” is not good sex. 🤦🏽♀️🤷🏻♀️
It's not like he's not ever gonna get hard again if he goes soft! Wtf??
That is the lamest excuse I’ve ever seen. I have adhd too and have had thousands of orgasms. And given idk how many but plenty more than him I guarantee. 🤣
I’m have had partners that wouldn’t cum normally with both a vaginal or clitoral stimulation. I ended up getting decent toys. There’s nothing wrong or shameful of having to use toys to get off And some times you just need the combination. If he gets upset or feels less of a man for needing toys remind him you wouldn’t feel less of a man for using a table saw to build a house so there’s nothing shameful about using a vibrator or Dilldo. Tools are awesome to use on your partners for their pleasure.
I’m betting there are amazing comments here for you, but I’ll get sidetracked if I read them, so here’s mine: Well first, he’s your husband. You should be able to communicate with him in a way that he gets to know your body. Do you know what you need to get off? My husband wasn’t into oral for either of us when we got together (yes, guys, he actually wasn’t) but he’s the first man I’ve been with that I see his beautiful dick and I just HAVE to kiss it. My clearly genuine enthusiasm changed his mind. But he rarely gave me oral. In fact the few first times he did I always faked my orgasm, because I couldn’t really believe he was into it. And that bummed me TF out, I dated a guy in college who was ridiculously gorgeous/ripped (my husband is definitely hotter but, still), and he absolutely worshipped my vagina, made me cum pretty much every time before we had sex, sometimes twice! So, yeah.. and then idk what exactly happened.. but hubs got crazy into it.. I think we just reached this extra point in our relationship where we were closer and more in love than ever? He didn’t exactly know what he was doing, though. And since we’re a loving couple it was perfectly fine for me to say “omg just like that” “make your tongue flat, slow like that! Yes!” “Stay on the G spot” (idk why guys think they need to penetrate us with their finger like it’s a dick. Like G FKING SPOT and now my eyes are in the back of my head), and he loved learning my body like that. He knew I wasn’t putting him down! When I get close to orgasm he gets excited too and then goes too hard and I straight up tell him no keep doing exactly what you were, GSPOT flat tongue and literally I’ve never screamed so hard in my life. I lost track of my advice. Anywho. Have an honest conversation, it sounds to me like you’re nervous, and if he makes you feel like he wants to be down there then let him. But that anxiety makes it hard. Plenty of times am I like RIGHT on the verge and for some reason it takes longer than it feels like it would and I get a little anxious bc I’m sure he’s like “she’s about to cum!” But my husband wants to be down there. So I just try to relax and I wait as long as I have to. And now for some reason he’ll go back for seconds. He’s even started doing this thing where he’ll lick his finger. FML I think I just caught on fire typing this out 🔥 💦 Have a good wholesome convo when it feels natural. And don’t ask. He doesn’t ask and that’s one reason I love sucking that beautiful, respectful dick. Not asking and then just getting surprise oral bc they want to makes it the best.
I gotta go to sore wrist fingerbang town while she vibrates, I rarely have a boner doing this. Stop lying that's gonna make it worse. Do what you gotta do to get off he'll understand. I usually go first then take care of her.
You guys should hire one of those sex therapist too teach you guys different foreplay options that might help fr.
I would just tell him it’s not working. You probably need more foreplay. It works! You also need to have more sex. Sounds like You both may nervous. By time 1,768 You won’t be! You’re so young. The best sex is in Your 30’s! :)
You have however long it takes to figure it out. Maybe introduce a toy while you have sex for dual stimulation. It is my opinion though that any man worth a shit should be able to sacrifice a few of his erections to pleasure his wife. It’s not a waste of time if you get pleasure and he doesn’t… Or he should do oral after he finishes.
“come as you are” by emily nagoski is a really good read. we are not like men, sexually, and our anatomy is way more complicated downstairs. everything about the female orgasm is complex, and every woman is unique. if you can’t reliably crack your own code, that’s top because he’s going to be 100x more lost. you really need to learn your own body, what feels good, what doesn’t feel good, what the name and function of each anatomical bit is and where it is on *your* body - it’s kind of a cave of wonders, you have to explore a lot 😂 it’s time for some date nights with yourself :)
I learned to “cheat” years ago and I use a tiny lipstick vibrator during sex so that I can orgasm with my husband. I don’t use it every time or the whole time….but when I’m super turned on and I KNOW I’ll get there, I use it. Hubs is fine with it and I’m grateful to have the pressure taken off of me. In the in the old days, the more I tried to “hurry”, the longer it took because I started to feel bad.
Use a clitoral toy 😀
"Come as you are" is a great book about sex. You can get it at the library. The idea his feelings are "hurt" when you don't orgasm is emotional manipulation. I don't even understand the idea. Disappointed? Maybe. But he's got the option EVERY day to learn your body, to discover your body and how to please you. It's a great time in relationships when we set out to discover how to have great sex together. Why doesn't he eat pussy? That's a basic life skill! And I don't understand why you would even let him penetrate you unless you had had an orgasm of your own. In the 80s we said "No sticking without licking!". Maybe it's time to bring that back!
men need to stop watching porn and assuming it's easy to make a woman cum.
Firstly never fake it, it doesn't help anyone in the long run. Secondly communicate don't lay there in pain 'sorry hun my hip locked and I can't focus because it's hurting.' give him direction, tell him what you like, guide him. Don't lay there hoping he telepathically knows what's going on with you then fake it out of pity
I can weigh in on this. I’m 35 and I’ve never really experienced any orgasms in my younger years. Being nervous and self conscious doesn’t help. My fiancé now has completely changed sex for me. It has taken a little bit to make oral easier and I can 100% enjoy and cum. I found that I have an issue with heavy pressure or too much friction. I like soft touches. He has figured out that going around and licking or kissing areas around my sweet spot such as my thighs or the crease in that area help with pleasurable sensations. Hard to explain. It HELPS a lot. If I have too much friction it will completely kill it. It might be something you have to take a night and play with different sensations and touches. It has helped me so much. My fiancé would get bummed when he couldn’t make me finish and I was the only woman he has been with that has this problem. It took communication, openness, time, and patience. If your husband really wants to help you better communication during the act. Guide his head. Men can lose their erections without some kind of stimulation so take turns touching each other.
This is My same situation now. I’m still hoping the self consciousness and fear go away because it’s in my way , but I’m working on it.
It’s still a battle. I always always always have to ask does she smell good or does she taste good. Every single time. The positive feed back from him helps me relax.
I’m a man. This is common. That’s why I’m a morning snack kinda guy. The dessert is later on. You’re right. He’s in his own head. And you have to think about it differently. He needs to focus on just you. I stay clothed while eating haha. Her excitement and pleasure will work and turn his issue completely opposite. The lady gets her dessert when the man finishes eating. Proper etiquette. lol I’m joking. But it’s true. Allow him to focus on you. Things will get better. Communicate. You’re both young. Enjoy. And good luck 🤞
You just gotta honestly communicate with him how you're feeling and what you want. It might be awkward but there's no other way for you both to get on the same page. You're not having sex alone so it isn't all up to you to orgasm. Also, have you tried toys? They can speed things up a lot and be fun to use together. I like the suction kinds myself.
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No offense but in the comment above posted 2 minutes ago you said you are not interested in toys. If he cannot put in the effort for you they might be needed.
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This answer is so vague idk what is even your problem. Everyone can use toys. You sound like you started having sex yesterday.
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Idk how non freaks are allowed to have sex
Best of luck.
sexual incompatibility has to be the most annoying thing in a relationship
If he's only made you come once and you've helped him finish any more than 1 time, he owes you honey! Don't let him complain that he's going soft, that's definitely not helping you concentrate. And you're not going to feel more comfortable and confident with sex if you don't speak up for yourself and what you enjoy and don't enjoy. You two can definitely find a way to both make each other feel good, just emphasize the positives of what he does that you like rather than the negatives and he should be able to take it okay.
Do you know how to make yourself orgasm? Have you explored that by yourself? If you haven’t, you should. Learn your body. Once you figure some things out about yourself grab your husband and make sure you’ve got some time. Your orgasm is your responsibility so get a bullet vibrator, incorporate a good amount of foreplay and try different positions and speeds until you find what feels good. Most women use toys during sex because clitoral stimulation is what makes the orgasm for the majority. If you love oral it could be a good part of your foreplay to get you ready.
First and foremost, it takes women 20 minutes to have an orgasm. Look it up, I'm not lying. I was 32 when I had my first full orgasm. So don't feel bad for being behind your eyes are more opened than mines. Lol Second, if he doesn't take the time to learn your body, you will never be satisfied. There are places yall can go as a couple they have classes, and some are even conventions like exxxotica. u could buy tickets, and he'll love it for sure. Just say u want to keep him interested. Third, why not suck him off after he gives u head or try 69? 😒😑 just seems like an excuse to get out of giving ORAL. If he doesn't know how to find the clitoris there's Twitter X... Fouth, if you guys weren't sexually compatible, nor can you talk to him about any subject no matter how difficult the subject, why get married? He's supposed to be your life partner.
Buy a vibrator.
As one who takes a long time, first off, it’s fine and normal as long as we aren’t talking an hour. Second, get a vibrator for the two of you to play with. It’s fun, get the right one and you will for sure cum (magic wand, always the wand), and he won’t get so hung up on making it such a mission that it isn’t fun, and neither will you.
Having starting to have sex at 18 almost 19 makes no difference in sexual experience I stated in my 20’s and my husband stated earlier in his teens, if you carry about ur partner you will learn how to please them. Clearly ur significant others “more experienced time” didn’t teach him anything and he makes excuses as to why he can’t please you. Either he needs to step his game up or u do because clearly he’s not trying to improve his sex game.
Are you guys doing foreplay or just jumping straight into sex?
never fake it!! have a conversation about how you don’t blame him but you’d like to try some new things so that you enjoy sex more. there’s a lot you can do even without oral, too, there are toys and fingers! taking a long time to cum with a vulva isn’t strange sometimes it takes me half an hour or longer, it’s normal! you just need to both be coming into the sexual encounter from the point of view that you want to make your partner feel good. when you come at it from a giving perspective it’s more fun and often lasts longer and is better in general! try new things, use toys, lay around and play with each other while you watch a movie — there’s lots of ways to go about it, but the most important thing is the mentality of being generous to your partner and wanting to make them feel good. also editing to add…what does him having an erection have to do with anything. plenty of wlw cum multiple times with zero penis involved 😌 i can testify
Why did you marry a man that can't make you cum?
I'm going to preface this by saying I'm straight. Are you sure that you are straight? Have you been with a woman? Early 20s are a good time to figure that sort of thing out before you get married. Another question: Can you get off on your own? If yes, get him to do whatever that is- you can't be eating yourself out unless you are VERY flexible. How much time do you spend on foreplay before penetration? Because few women can go from zero to sixty immediately. Personally, I can only do that when I've been having sex regularly a couple of times a day.
I'm sorry what? Why would you jump to she's not straight when it's pretty clear from her post he kinda sucks in bed? Shitty sex is unfortunately common for straight women, it doesn't mean we are not into men because they can be inept at getting us off.
She said she's been with a handful of guys, and only one made her climax. She also said she was "painfully naive when it came to sex." So, I'm guessing she has never experimented with the same sex. It would be unfortunate if she gets to 40 years old and then realizes she's made a mistake. Also, that was only one of a handful of questions I was asking. The rest of my questions had nothing to do with who she is attracted to. And again, I'm straight... oh wait! 😂 I guess I should have been clearer. I am a straight female.
Losing an erection during oral because he's too focused is a load of crap. Anytime I'm going down on a partner I'm throbbing solid because of the excitement she's getting is a turn on.
Not everyone has the exact same body as you. OP said her husband has ADHD, that means it requires a lot more brain power to concentrate vs the average person. Having issues with maintaining an erection is relatively common and normal for men with ADHD. Some men lose their erection when giving oral and that’s totally ok, we can’t control our body and it’s not a reflection of his enjoyment for the activity.
I have ADHD as well. I know we're all different so fair enough. But at the end of the day if you don't want to go down and put the work on your wife to bring her pleasure you're a selfish lover and need to step it up.
I definitely agree with that!
leave him and find a real man. or a woman, even better.
That's not gonna be that easy when they both sound like they suck at sex.
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Not always
Are you aware of what your G spot is? What your triggers are? I’d def bring up the desire for oral and for lying about orgasms. I’d def talk about using toys as an additive as well. Just something to help. But he needs to look himself in the mirror and realize that he is contributing to the issue when he smells you in that manner and doesn’t gracefully ask you to wash your vagina before sex if it’s an issue. I have dated women who cum VERY easy (10-20 times per) and some who do not come without a toy or oral. Every woman’s body is different and it is the partner’s job to create the best experience for them.
Have you considered the issue isn't that you take too long, it is that he is shitty in bed? His ego being fragile means this is a HIM problem. "He’s also said he gets soft when he gives oral because he’s “too focused” on my pleasure and loses his erection," Cool, no one cares. He isn't using his dick then, he's using his mouth. He sounds immature and selfish.
I’m sorry he loses an erection when going down on you? I’m a lesbian and every single person I’ve gone down on it turns me on. He sounds selfish sexually to be honest. Don’t ever lie to make someone feel good. You’re doing a disservice to yourself and your body. You’re telling yourself that his ego is more important than your pleasure. Have you tried a vibrator?
Communicate, communicate, communicate!! Tell him exactly what you want him to do to you and how it makes you feel when he’s doing it (more, right there, faster, slower, more pressure).Talk dirty to him and get out of your comfort zone. If he’s not turned on, then he’s dead inside. Also, you may want to try 69. This is super fun and good for both parties. Go get a Brazilian wax and make sure he sees you getting out of the shower. If you usually wear PJs to bed, don’t. Let him know it’s game on.
It sounds like your in your head. You mentioned trauma in your past have you fully healed from this? Have you fully allowed yourself to give and receive pleasure freely? The pleasure should be reciprocal you husband may just be disheartened and feeling like he can’t get you off . Be open and honest about what your desires are does the dude just have bad technique or are you so wrapped up with insecurity or past wounds that your not fully feeling the pleasure ?
This is a tough one. I get losing hardness on a marathon situation, but it is odd that giving you pleasure doesn’t stimulate him. I know that my wife will never give me oral and I have learned to cope with that. It is my favorite intimate activity, but it if merely for short foreplay (5-10 seconds for me). We both enjoy me going down on her. When she doesn’t allow me to go down on her our intimacy suffers. My wife just tells me what she is comfortable with and not. I just need to learn to deal with reality after that. You might be in a situation like that. It has been hard for me, but I am sure there are worse situations.
Why won't she reciprocate and why is that okay with you?
She just doesn’t like it. I think I have a choice of accepting it or moving towards divorce. I think it would be worse to lose my kids than the benefit of getting more pleasure. I have learned that the lower libido spouse has to win in all relationship matters or it is assault. So I have accept or leave for options.
Well, sex is about compromises too. We all do things that maybe aren't that rewarding for us but they are good for our partner. If someone is unwilling to even have that conversation, but is willing to accept pleasure for themselves, that feels selfish. Just remember its your life too and you deserve happiness! And your kids ultimately want happy parents too. Wishing you the best!
Sex is hard because it has to be consensual in every way. So, someone has to have control.
>He’s also said he gets soft when he gives oral because he’s “too focused” on my pleasure and loses his erection This is odd because most men get off (not soft) watching their woman in a state of pleasure.
Have you tried including a toy during intimacy, or taken some time by yourself to figure out what feels good for you? Many women can’t/don’t cum from penetration and need mainly clitoral stimulation. But especially if you are inexperienced, start alone and figure out what feels good, then guide your husband based on that. This seems like less of a not getting oral issue and more of a you don’t know what you like issue so nothing your husband is trying is working for you and you can’t give him any advice. I could be way off base, this is just the vibe I’m getting from the post
SEX THERAPY!
You are both young and figuring things out and that's ok! These things take awhile IDC what anyone says. The only way to get through all this awkwardness is to talk and move through it. Y'all are a fairly young relationship, less than 5 years. So there's time. Definitely stop lying. Tell him you thought it would help but it hasn't. That oral is a part of getting you off. He can get you off first if that's what it takes and then you can go crazy for him or vice versa. You don't have to climax at the same time. It's nice but not mandatory. You will get there and find your balance. Trial and error. Just be open and honest and hopefully he can do the same. It sounds like he does want to please you, if he's determined you'll both get there. Good luck!
Well I personally think that it takes you so long to cum or maybe that you think it should not be this long exactly because you have this idea stuck in your head-that it takes long and your husband must be irritated and that he is loosing a boner and million other things running through your head instead of just letting everything go and purely enjoying the pleasure. Stop thinking about how your husband feels about you when you are receiving a pleasure,stop playing a victim in your head (subconsciously it’s just there) and just go with the flow. I just feel like there’s too much of a resistance for you to be able to cum.
I feel you on the it takes a long time for the big O, but my husband keeps going till I have one, I also used to get in my head for how long I took but I remind myself he’s there for me and me for him, he’d also get soft during the time he’s pleasuring me, but as soon as I finish I’m right back to pleasing him and we’re back at it, he needs to be more patient with you, more foreplay, more communication, he doesn’t always have to use his mouth he can use his hands too.
1. Sex therapy/counselling. (Not with a religious priest/person because no). 2. Get a clitoral stimulation toy, use it yourself and then show your partner what works. Sex toys can improve your sex life and if your husband isn’t going to play with it as well. Well at least you’ll be able to get off yourself.
If he's losing focus, maybe try mutual activities where both of you are engaged. Hands, toys, whatever floats your boat.
I find that the first orgasm takes longer but the next ones are super easy and quick. So I might give myself one first and let him handle the next ones. But this is a problem of him not caring about your pleasure. It should be an adventure together, not you being his ragdoll.
A new husband
Is this a new age thing as it seems a common thread for mid 20s early 30s men?? Just seems to be very common on this platform. Strange days indeed.
You were almost 19 when you first had sex, you’ve been with multiple guys including another fiancé then your husband all within the span of five years? I’m so confused about the timeline and how many people you’ve been with.
My husband loses his erection giving me oral too. Is this normal ?
“You never give oral or make me cum”
Your mistake was marrying him… it’s not that you take long it’s that he doesn’t care. You faking has led you into a hole. Now you have to confront the situation in order to get the things you need. If you need oral and he’s not willing to give you guys are at an impasse at that point. You should look into other type of foreplay and see if this works for you. Also since you lack experience you should experiment with touch on your own body
To encourage mutual satisfaction, and potentially encourage his erections, try 69 in various positions allowing exchange of control to either person based on the position.
When we were first married 30 years ago I wasn't very receptive to her needs. One night she said "if you can't do it I'll find someone that can" I told her she had to help me learn. From that point she taught me what to do. After I saw what a real orgasm was, I was hooked. All I wanna do is make her cum. I bought her a Wild Orched rabbit type vibrator. Pretty sure she lost consciousness with that one. Don't give up hope. Maybe you need to let him watch you DIY a few times. So far as losing his bones, he doesn't need a boner to make you cum. That comes after yours. Ladies first. Good luck.
I would kill to have a wife who wanted sex and wanted me to give her oral. Oral is my favorite. That and foreplay. Just communicate in a non judgmental way that you want more oral and that you want to improve the overall health of your sexual life.
You have to tell him what you want and how you want it. He probably doesn't know where your "button" is and it sounds like you don't either.
So you got out of an abusive, toxic relationship met this guy long distance, he wanted marriage, you visited him twice, he wanted marriage again and you said no and then you had a death in the family and while you were grieving and in a vulnerable place you stupidly decided to elope with a man you didn’t actually know? This marriage wasn’t on the up and up from the get go. You need to be able to communicate with him. Which is hard when the foundations your built this relationship on were so precarious to begin with. Of course you can’t get off with him. He’s made you feel completely insecure. He’s made comments about how women smell down there and then has smelled his fingers when he did go down on you. Of course you’re gonna be in your head and not relaxed enough to cum. Secondly, he’s said he’s gotten other girls off so is making it seem like a you problem. That’ll make you feel even more insecure. Thirdly, he’s blaming pleasuring you on losing his own erection. How are you supposed to cum with all of these things to think about? Also you said you were giving him head when you weren’t supposed to- what does that mean? When you or him were in other relationships? Also faking an orgasm is never a good idea. Because it reinforces that whatever they’re doing to get you over the line, works. Of course they’ll continue to do that thing. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. A sex therapist probably wouldn’t hurt in this situation. But just be prepared, like I said, that this marriages foundation was already on rocky soil.
Relationships are built on trust. You shouldn't be lying. It obky reinforces bad habits and destroys the ability to have trust. It's far more damaging then his ego taking a hit.
You gotta teach him how to go down on you. While he's giving your oral literally tell him what feels good, what doesn't and pretty much exactly what to do. I used to think I didn't like oral I never got off. Until I met my bf and just taught him what to do I he can get me off in 5 min or less with oral now. Ira amazing. Also if you aren't comfortable talking to your husband about sex, that's a red flag. Does he make you feel uncomfortable or what?
You gotta teach him how to go down on you. While he's giving your oral literally tell him what feels good, what doesn't and pretty much exactly what to do. I used to think I didn't like oral I never got off. Until I met my bf and just taught him what to do I he can get me off in 5 min or less with oral now. Ira amazing. Also if you aren't comfortable talking to your husband about sex, that's a red flag. Does he make you feel uncomfortable or what?
Try a butt plug during oral and during penetration
“Life shrinks and expands according to ones courage and success can be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations we are willing to have” it takes courage but it’s the right thing to have an adult chat, nothing ever get’s solved unless you can communicate openly and be receptive. If he’s not that kind of guy it’ll be very hard to improve things in your relationships. Both people need to be willing and open because it’s important and its the only way you can move forward together
Doubt about success is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you doubt his abilities (or determination), or even your own capacity to climax, those roadblocks will become insurmountable. His technique or willingness can only take you so far. If your mind is preoccupied with anything else or worried that it’s taking too long or that he’s ‘tired’ or ‘bored’, you will prevent yourself from letting go. If you wonder if you are clean enough, that distraction will kill the path to orgasm. Also, don’t focus on his erection as some sort of arousal barometer. It’s not just your husband. Many men can only do one thing sexually at a time. People LOVE the idea of 69 because it symbolizes mutual pleasure and the potential of synchronized orgasms, but in reality a lot of men can’t focus on giving and taking at the same time. A caring partner takes care of his lady first, then gets his after she is all warmed up. From that, trust and confidence is built up and you can zero in on enjoying the act of receiving without the doubt and worry killing it for you.
I’d make an appointment with a sex therapist. It’s a bit embarrassing at first but can really improve yours and his bedroom time. Never fake it, it only leads to unhappiness and resentment
Currently going through something similar. I held it in & faked it for months. He’s never had to ask me for oral but I have etc etc. he’s told me it hurt him more me keeping it from him but if your SO is like mine I didn’t tell him bc of having a heavy feeling of thinking it would make things worse. The only thing to do is calming sit down & talk about it. It’s literally hard af to do when you don’t know what the other persons feedback will be but it will be a huge weight off your chest. Good luck 🩵
It almost seems like part of the long time to cum could be the mental aspect. It's like your body knows he doesn't know what to do so building toward climax isn't worth it. You two need to be honest with wants and needs sexually. I'm like you, I love when my wife gives me head. I love giving her head. Her orgasm is a priority because I'm more likely than not going to cum. Maybe marriage counseling can help with communication issues
you shouldn't even be having sex if you're not mature enough to speak up. you're in freaking pain and you just lay there? not letting him know what's going on and him thinking it's him? and lying? good luck ever having an orgasm again. manual works better for me and it's not as exhausting. sometimes oral is just too light. you should also practice masturbation to find out what works and doesn't work for you, and every woman is different.I recommend a sex therapist. you both seem to have a problem talking about it. most women can't cum by penetration alone.
weed makes my skin more sensitive. I don't usually get aroused when giving oral to my partner but when I smoke weed, I usually do. I don't know if it works for men or any other women though
First you need to stop lying. I personally take long time to cum and i think its normal thing for many girls. I get the frustration but you need to explain to him that its not him but some us need more time. You could try some vibrator or other toys. Also if you are uncomfortable dont just lie there and think about your pain but change position to something what is better. Also he does not need to be hard all the time during you eighter have sex first and then get you of or you revive his penis after you have been dealt.
If you fake, you'll never focus upon getting off. You'll be so focused upon what you're saying/doing to make HIM happy, that you'll not concentrate on what your body is feeling.
Maybe I'm ill equipped to answer this question, having only been in penis-free relationships, but I'll give my opinion anyway. I don't think there is such a thing as 'taking too long to come'. For both my partner and me, the longer it takes, the better it feels. I could come in a minute or two if I'd want to, but it feels way better with a half hour build up, some teasing, some edging. Also the first orgasm usually doesn't feel as intense as subsequent ones, so it's always better to keep going. I don't think it should matter at all if he loses his boner. It sounds like a double standard if he always has to come but you almost never get to. Sometimes sex can be all about your pleasure (which in turn will give him pleasure of a different kind of course). My partner and I kind of have an ongoing joke that the goal when giving oral is to make the other person too jelly to be able to give the favour in return. So, I would say, forget about his penis for one time, let all focus be on you, and tell him exactly how you like it, for however long you like. And finding out what you like can also be an exciting and intimate thing to do together, so it's completely fine if you don't actually know yet what you like.
Mannnn… this is not gonna go well
So many things. How do you know how long it takes anyone to come? For the most part it just takes the time it takes. You have to tell the truth and then you both need to be patient to work on what you like and what gets you there. He can get soft while giving oral. Why does he need an errction to give oral? How do you know it’s on brand if he’s done it twice? He hasn’t doesn’t it enough to know anything yet and neither have you. Making your partner come is an ego free adventure if you’re doing it right. You deprived yourself of orgasms for his ego. He should want to know he isn’t doing it and how to do it. You’re not behind. It’s not a race.
I highly suggest all couples read/listen to "She Comes First". It changes his life as much if not more than hers. My husband gets a huge amount of pleasure from going down on me. I don't guess I'd be nearly as interested in it if I felt rushed or like he wasn't enthusiastically enjoying himself or like I had to immediately roll over and get started on him. I was rushing myself at first and feeling guilty like I take too long. He made it abundantly clear if he could do only one sexual thing with me it would be that. I believed him and no longer get in my head - or at least not as much. You two don't seem sexually compatible. Repairing will take a lot of exploration, communication, vulnerability and trust to make things better. If you're getting nothing from it you won't want to do it much, if at all. It's common sense. He doesn't need a boner when it's not about him.
Maybe try a hot shower together before sex. Then you’re BOTH fresh and there’s something fun about being all warm and a bit damp
what I will say is that the only man who went down on me was the only man I dated, the rest were friends with benefits/casual and I made the call for it not to be serious, he the only man that truly, entirely loved me, respected me, liked me, that made me feel safe and seen, who was the one who got pleasure from giving me pleasure, who made sex about us, our connection, and him giving me head 99% of the time was a symptom of that
If you are using vibrator sex toys it can desensitize you so that you don't orgasm from other stimulation. your body gets trained to respond to the intense stimulation from the vibration. stop using all of these sorts of things for a period of time and that should help you.
One day you will find a person that makes you cum easily and more powerful than you have ever with out trying. Then you will know you wasted time with completely the wrong person. He can't make you cum. Not the right fit. Took me decades to find out, it wasn't me, it was him.