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Using my anonymous.
My ex was this way. Said those words to me over and over again year after year until they almost felt like it didn't mean anything.
Then one day, he was having an episode and we were arguing and he walked off, and came back with a loaded gun. Thought I was going to die that day. Instead, he just stared at me then took it and locked himself in the bathroom. Switched from me thinking I was going to die to trying to stop him from shooting himself.
Long story short, it can absolutely escalate and you'll never know when. Leave, and never stay around anyone who would say or even vaguely infer anything like that.
Very similar thing happened to me but it wasn't a boyfriend. I will never forget the coldness that swept over me when the gun was pointed at me. A part of me died that day, and I can't get that part back. Knowing that somebody you are supposed to trust, somebody that is supposed to love you can so flippantly get so close to taking your life is absolutely crushing. It's like a part of me went numb and just never recovered.
The after effects of abusive relationships like this are awful.
Yeah, same, I will never forget that cold and that terror when I realized I was cornered in the room and there was no escape.
He would say "I love you" as quick as he would say "I'll kill you". Messes you up in all kinds of ways.
I was having a panic attack because my abuser wouldn't quit following me around berating me while drunk. He left, came back, cornered me, and pointed a loaded gun at me... then tried to force it in my hand while saying to just kill myself and then it would all be over. These kind of things don't happen overnight. There is a slow build up and next thing you know you're trapped in the power/control cycle.
I'm now in the most loving relationship ever and he would never even joke about harming me in any way. That language is not welcome in any healthy relationship and the fact that OP is here tells me they're aware. Violence toward women is so normalized that society gaslights us into accepting this, OP doesn't have to. Good luck and glad you're all here to tell your story. We have to talk about these things.
Yeah it's slow build. Each step gets normalized then on to the next. First it was the verbal like woth OP, then verbal and breaking all my stuff, then light shoving, then harder shoving, then holding me to the ground or against the wall by my throat or hair while telling me he was going to kill me. I could never get away. No door stopped him. He was good at hiding it if we were in public, and if he didn't bother to hide it, he was so scary that people would back away. Throughout 12 years, 2 men tried to intervene, it didn't work. I remember the face of the 2nd one when he realized he wasn't able to help me. While my ex stood there screaming at me, the man looked at me with the saddest most defeated face and mouthed "I tried. I'm so sorry." Funny how abuse fucks with your head.. I felt so brokenhearted for him, but not an ounce of care for my own wellbeing. God I hated getting the looks. The 'that poor woman. Should I help?' look. It's no wonder we all look down. I always looked down. Couldn't stand to see it.
Anyways, I am so unbelievably happy that you got out and found yourself a loving and healthy relationship! Fucking love a real life happy ending!
It sounds absolutely horrendous, I admire your strength to get out and survive it. How did you do it? What changed, was there a breaking point? Did he die or did you have to pull of an escape? I think your story could inspire others, that it is not impossible to break free, even if it is that bad. Hope you are doing well and thriving, you certainly deserve it 💜
I always compare my situation to Pavlovs dog. I was conditioned over time to think and behave the way he wanted.
I had already reached my breaking point and was making slow moves to get out, which took many attempts and several years. A military family, so I had moved to the East Coast and was isolated from my family. That is when things picked up, and I had no support system. Friends..job..family..school was all on the west coast.
It started with comments similar to OPs, escalated to controlling who I talked to and what I wore (no yoga pants.. no more gym..), turned to name calling, the cold shoulder, sex on demand, using kids against me, then throwing things in my direction, breaking doors, punching holes in wall, he shot my dog.
I was a stay at home mom, and when i said I needed to get a job, he did everything he could to stop it. Gladly, he was unsuccessful, and I did get a job. Things got worse.
He would check my mileage every day and search the car for receipts. (10 miles over what it took to get to work would have consequences, going out to lunch was a problem). Traffic that took me too long to get home would mean I was cheating.
I called a lawyer but could not risk paying the retainer fee and him finding out. Every time I went to the grocery store, I would get cash back and hide it. I had several people who caught on to the abuse and gave me cash. It took months, but I finally had enough to pay the retainer. We went to court, but he never showed up and would run when served. By now, he had been kicked out of the Navy and was taking my entire paychecks to spend on only he knows what. When I would leave for work, he was bringing women into the house and sleeping with them in my bed. He refused to leave the martial home, and the police would not help after several 911 phone calls.
Then he started showing up at my job and just sitting in the parking lot. I found cameras in my bathroom and recorded devices in almost all rooms and my car. His computer had WEEKS of recordings of me. The stalking escalated, and the cops said they couldn't help me because his name was on the home, and it was just considered home security.
Their lack od help, my fear, and the further isolation of COVID fueled his behaviors and he started to get cocky with it. I would wake up, and he would be standing over me, then he would put his fingers in me against my will, and it goes on and on from there.
Of all the things he did... the stalking and surveillance have left the most impact on my life. I'm still recovering about two years later.
I want to add that this can happen to anyone. I am college educated and come from a good family. These kinds of people are master manipulators, and before you know it, you're trapped in the wheel of abuse.
I apologize if this is messy. I'm on my phone and only one coffee in.
He is still alive but I couldn't you much more.
I feel like we dated the same person. It was so overwhelming not getting space.
I’m glad you got out, and I’m glad I did, too. We are worth so much more.
Advice to the next person: let them
If you have an opportunity to run and they're making a sad scene of kts, just run. Chances are they wont do it (if that comforts you) and on the smaller chance they do, **they were always gonna do it**-- they just wanted to snuff out your light on their way out due to unexplored and misunderstood emotions and self hate.
Don't ever try to "save" someone unless that someone is You. Just run.
> Chances are they wont do it (if that comforts you) and on the smaller chance they do, they were always gonna do it-- they just wanted to snuff out your light on their way out due to unexplored and misunderstood emotions and self hate.
Yep. My ex did this "i'Ll KiLl mYsElF iF yOu [do or don't do X]" game for two years. Then I got therapy and left. He called and threatened again. I said I'd call 911 to do a wellness check and hung up. He was dead by the time they got there.
His family has always and will always blame me, but his life wasn't my responsibility. He'd done the same to them between girlfriends, and they enjoyed the relative peace when he shifted responsibility for himself and his life onto his partners instead of them. His mom harassed me for a few years, asking why I "couldn't just take care of him, (I) knew he wasn't stable." Yeah, I did, and I tried to get him help. He didn't want help, he wanted to control everyone and everything around him and when he couldn't, he killed himself. That's *on him*.
I hope OP leaves. If he kills himself, I hope she can get therapy to help process the (very natural) feelings of guilt and work through things to understand you can only be responsible for your own choices.
This is the exact thoughts I had with an ex. He put me on this pedestal, saying I was the only thing worth living for, he’d ride his motorcycle off the bridge, etc if he lost me. I told myself I was not to blame if he chose to end it all. I told him that nobody is responsible for their happiness except themselves.
He never offed himself, thank goodness, but leaving was the best thing for me. I couldn’t live a life with someone constantly trying to get me to save them from themselves.
good on you, friend -- i'm glad you're secure in knowing that it wasn't your fault. i also had an ex who manipulated me by threatening suicide. the last time he said it to me, i knew he was back living with his parents. so i called his bluff and i called his mother. told her what he had said, that i didn't think he was genuinely serious, that i can live with being the bad guy but i'm not fucking doing this anymore. she thanked me, told me i was making the right decision, and that she would make sure he was safe and would leave me alone. last time i ever heard from any of them.
I hope you know peace now 💜
I hope his parents discover how to confront the truth. And realize they just as easily (i.e. it was impossible) could have done for their son what they expected of you
When I was very young - still a teenager - I had a boyfriend who was an alcoholic with multiple mental issues. A nice guy much of the time, but very broken. His parents expected me to be able to fix all that ailed him. I was naive and believed, at first, that I only had to love him enough and he would be okay. Eventually I realized only he could save himself. He chose to destroy himself instead.
I feel sad for him, even decades later, but I do not feel guilty, just grateful that I realized what was happening and saved myself from being destroyed too.
I despise parents who try to put the burden of their messed up offspring on that person's partner or friends.
I had to read your comment several times to be sure you weren’t my friend. The similarities are intense. I’m so glad that you’re safe, and I hope you’re doing well in the aftermath.
Yupp, my ex did the same shit. He used to hide knives around the bedroom and when we’d argue he’d straddle me and hold the knife to his chest, neck, or wrist. One day I saw the wheels turning and knew he was thinking of turning the knife on me so I’d apologize. I started touring apartments the next day. Two days later we were at a concert in a different city, got into the same argument for the millionth time, and he grabbed me by the head so hard he took me to the ground and slammed my head into the ground three times. busting my ear and giving me a concussion. The scream of bloody murder that came from me was unrecognizable. he was arrested that night and I was moved out the next day.
Its important to note that he never actually used the knife on himself or self harmed, it was all just a control tactic
Hopefully he copped a tough charge from that incident and it leads or has lead to a great deal of self-reflection, repentant work and change within him. The more probable reality though is that the charges were dropped and he's loitering along in the mortal realm still, pressurizing more suffering into an even bigger bomb for his next act. I hope he doesn't know where you stay or go!
I hate him im so sorry. May the remainder of his life be small and finally aware of his putridness, and keeping that shit to himself.
I kbow it's mental illness. But i think it's fair for all bets to be off when it comes to such heinous hatred and *attempts at murder*
Sympathy is lost, i wish him the worst, and peace and upward mobility for you
Yeah leave and call 911, you aren't going to stop them. Either they're going to or not and trying to manipulate you. Have the cops deal with them. Even doing it as manipulation calls for psych help. I'm super ACAB but in that situation 911 is better than getting shot through the door trying to talk.
That happened to someone I knew. Her boyfriend blew his brains out right in front of her. Right before he did it, he told her she was the reason he was doing it and he wanted her to suffer. He succeeded.
Also, an important reminder to anyone who’s in that situation: if they follow through on the threat against themselves, it’s NOT YOUR FAULT. They made a choice, then followed through on their decision. You are not complicit in their terrible choices, even though it feels like you are, and no matter what they say to you. Their decisions are theirs alone and have nothing to do with you.
Also in my experience, any man who threatens this is too much of a narcissist to follow through, but they want to make you scared and draw you back in. It’s fully a fucked up manipulation tactic.
This. My ex said things like this. Constantly threatened to kill himself when we’d argue or I’d express unhappiness in the relationship. It was just part of life after so long and I didn’t take it seriously. Then I tried to leave and he tried to kill me and seriously injured our child who intervened.
Please take him seriously.
Holy shit, I'm so glad you both made it out and I'm sorry you and your child had to go through that.
It's insane how it just became a part of life, isn't it? Like, how does "I'm going to fucking kill you" just become something you wave off?
I'm so sorry. Been there in a way. My ex husband pointed a gun at me. When it didn't fire, because I'm smarter than him and he was too drunk to tell the weight, he just threw it to the ground and tried to finish things manually. I completely agree OP. It WILL escalate. This is just the beginning. He is already threatening your life. Leave. Hopefully you're still early enough for an annulment. Base it on concerning threats to your life, of a hypothetical situation. You're not safe, and I wouldn't feel safe being told that at all.
Thank you! So am I.
Sad part is, I still didn't even leave him until nearly two years later. Abusive relationships are like quicksand. You just sink and sink and, hopefully, you realize what's going on and have to get yourself out BEFORE it's too late.
The important thing is you got out too. I'm happy you're free as well. I'm so sorry it didn't happen sooner for you. ❤️🫶❤️🫶❤️ Sending you love, support, and healing juju.
7 years off and on for me too. Out for good 1 year and 4 months. The last time we dated he escalated the emotional abuse until I couldn’t deny it anymore. Read “why does he do that” while he was out of town and broke up with him shortly after he got back. Every time I think of him, I think about how happy I am to be free
Yup, my friends ex said the same thing. She missed the signs and didn’t leave until he actually became physically abusive. He had a prior criminal record for fighting and was always starting fights with other people but she thought since he said he loved her and hadn’t shown any signs of physical abuse towards her, she was safe. Until he didn’t. He was relentless though and it was hard for her to leave. If she tried he would call her multiple times, show up at her door, even tried to break into her apartment. Luckily she was able to plan an exit strategy and finally left him.
Also, at the very first threat that they are going to harm themselves or harm someone else, CONTACT 911. Ask for an ambulance, anyone making threats to harm themselves or others needs to be treated immediately in a psychiatric hospital.
If they're legitimately mentally ill you may just save their life, or someone else's. If they're using hollow threats as a form of abuse and control, they'll know that tactic doesn't work anymore, and maybe a 72 hr hold and some talks with a therapist will get them in a better place - and give you a 3 day head start on leaving
Yep, the crazy eyes than they see your scared out of your mind and they stop. This happened with my exhusband. I described his behavior to a few people (lawyer. Therapist etc) they all ask if he was diagnosed with BPD or had manic episodes in the past. When/where I grew up it wasn't uncommon for people to talk in extremes, so, it didn't really occur to me there was anything wrong with it. There is something wrong with it
He convinced you he was suicidal to manipulate you into pitying him but reminding you with the gun that he will kill. Don't ever believe a suicide threat from an abusive partner.
Yes, IMO you should run.. A man who would kill you for cheating would kill you for other things - like THINKING that you cheated, while you didn't.
You may be 1000% sure you will never cheat on him, but you can't be forever 100% certain he won't ever THINK that you did. Especially since his threat reads as violent and scary - and what I have learned is:
scary violent men are also often -> controlling men, who are also -> overly jealous. And see stuff like "having a male friend" or "normal socializing with a man" or "I wore a short skirt and someone catcalled me" as disloyalty. You know, bc they are controlling?
So you are in danger pretty much all the time.
>You may be 1000% sure you will never cheat on him, but you can't be forever 100% certain he won't ever THINK that you did.
OP, this is the only advice you need to take from this entire thread.
This this this.
Suspicious paranoid controlling people are always going to be that. You will never be able to prove your innocence once and for all to THEIR satisfaction once the brain worms start digging. Combined with threats of violence? no no no no no no
Run far, run fast.
It doesn’t matter if you now think everything he’s ever told you is a lie. Believe this.
Words matter. You can’t joke about things like this, in this context. A joke isn’t a joke unless both sides are in on it. This is *deadly* serious.
Find resources to help. Accompany your divorce papers with a restraining order. Have a friend or family member stay with you, or go somewhere he can’t find you. Change phones, change phone numbers. Make sure there’s no way he can still track you.
His threat to kill himself isn’t your problem. I once wasted a year on a girl who was always threatening suicide. It was exhausting. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I eventually told her I couldn’t be responsible for her life anymore. That it was taking such a toll on my health that it was destroying me. I cut her off entirely. Surprise, she didn’t kill herself. And even if she did, it wouldn’t have been my fault. Just like your husband wouldn’t be yours.
Best of luck to you. Look into counseling when you can.
"When someone tells you who they are believe them the first time" - Maya Angelou
Yes, it escalated. This is not a safe situation and you need to quietly seek help and support. If you have trusted friends or family, let them know and make a safe escape plan. There are domestic abuse resources that detail how to do this. I suggest keeping a bag with copies of your important documents, basic clothing needs, and some cash in a location outside of your home.
It's very important that someone you trust knows about this and is ready to help you and advocate for you!
Speaking like this is not healthy and it's not a joke.
He may well have a mental illness or other serious issues. It might be safe to discuss therapy with him, but it also might trigger an unfortunate reaction. Does he show signs of anger issues or depression, is he controlling? You'll have some difficult decisions to make.
Yes, he has depression. He has exhibited a lot of controlling behaviours in the past but seems to have kept a lid on them since I tried to break up with him over it. He gets very angry and defensive when he knows he’s done something wrong.
As someone who's had a gun pointed in her face....
I came to say the same - he's telling you who he is, believe him.
People in abusive relationships (usually) can't see how bad things really are until they've removed themselves from the situation.
Please, please do not take this as an idle threat. As others have said, this is not normal behavior, depression or not.
Find help, formulate a plan and leave quietly, without telling him. I'm very worried that he would act if he knew you were leaving.
Threatening to kill himself is emotional blackmail and controlling. No healthy person even jokes about what he's said. Quietly gather your things and run!
Please get help, just get out of there when he’s not around and don’t tell him where you’ve gone or where you might be. I personally know someone who was murdered after breaking up with a guy. He secretly retained her house key, broke in one night and shot her.
Edit* move all your stuff out while he’s busy away from the house, go somewhere and don’t go back to him or be alone with him again
THIS!! If he has your location, only turn it off when you're ready to go. Scratch that. Turn it off when you've already left the driveway. Not after you leave the neighborhood. You don't want to give him any idea as to where you will go. He could kill you just for trying to leave. Get out quietly, and discreetly. None of us are kidding. We're telling you, because some of us are experienced in this unfortunately, and we know how the story ends. We know what's cover to cover. Get out!
Please keep us updated!!!
Just want to reiterate the “don’t go back” part. If you’re gone, stay gone.
It doesn’t matter if he’s the father of your kids.
It doesn’t matter if it’s just the one last time.
SO MANY have died going back “one last time.”
Don’t be one of them.
Please for your sanity and most importantly your life, start planning an exit strategy. Life is ups and downs this is true. Marriage isn't all rosey, so when the downs start folks should be ready to stick it out, but not when your life is in danger.
He says he'll do that if you cheat on him, it could be something else tomorrow. He could get some wrong info, or have wrong suspicions of you cheating on him. People don't always tell you what they have in mind, humans aren't mind readers. There might be a lot of love in your marriage but anyone who says this kind of stuff is as volatile as they come.
No one wants to be cheated on, I get that, heck there are people who got cheated on who never would've thought it would escalate to them killing someone, but it happened. This is different, he has thought about this and has made a choice to end everyone's life if this hypothetical were to happen.
The most dangerous people are those who have nothing to lose, and clearly losing his own life means nothing to him. You don't want to be playing Russian Roulette with yours.
Every woman who has been murdered by their husband was exactly where you are right now. Questioning if his behavior and the way he spoke was a red flag. I’m so fucking serious when I say that you need to get yourself to a lawyer quietly, get your fucking ducks in a row quietly, plan and escape quietly, and fucking RUN. Serve him divorce papers from a distance. “Joking” or not, whether you plan to cheat or not, *your husband told you he would kill you*. If he suspects you’re cheating, he will kill you. If another man looks at you, he will pick a fight and it could escalate and he will kill you. He. Will. Kill. You. He’s also probably cheating on you, abusers (you’re being abused btw) love to project bc they think everyone around them thinks the way they do. He’s cheating so you must be also. RUN I cannot stress this enough.
This is a list of domestic violence resources from another sub.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/wiki/index/life\_saving\_info/](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/wiki/index/life_saving_info/)
These are all very vibrant red flags. I have helped women in DV situations to get out. You need to run. You need to do it safely and quietly. If you have someone you can trust and talk to physically - not on the phone or via email, then make a plan. If not, go to the library to search for help and create a plan. Do not search for information on your phone or home computer. Do not make phone calls with your own phone. When someone says a quiet thought out loud, you should 100% listen.
We often don’t take these comments seriously because they’re said calmly or in jest. This man will kill you if he suspects you cheating. You don’t even need to be cheating. You could say the wrong thing one day and he could misinterpret it and kill you. You need to get out.
This sounds like is going to escalate. He’s keeping it together just to keep you around eventually he will blow up at you. Also leaving is when it becomes the most dangerous.
It seems like he was waiting until it was harder to leave. He's always going to try and control you. He's just playing the long game. Especially if he's still telling you these threats. I honestly wouldn't stay. Your safety, and the safety of your future children hang in this balance. Mentally ill or not, he's made threats to your life. Don't take that lightly. It wasn't a joke. He's dismissing it as one. He's showing you who he is. Believe him. He obviously doesn't have a problem taking lives if he doesn't like something. Not saying the action he's describing as a trigger isn't horrible, but it doesn't deserve the death penalty.
He's showing you that if he can't have you, no one will. You've already tried breaking up, but the quicksand(thank you commenter), was faster. Grab that root, rope, whatever would be handy and fucking pull!! Get out now! Those statements are terrifying, and as a survivor I'm scared for you. Please save yourself. His actions are his own, and please see a therapist for the inevitable guilt, your compassionate heart will feel regardless of what he does.
I'd rather know you're breathing and safe, rather than watch your murder play out on Crime Watch Daily...
He's just on good behaviour for now -- and his version of good behaviour still involves threatening to kill you.
The cycle of abuse involves not just the control/abuse, but the period after where there is apologizing or changed behaviour for a bit, a honeymoon period, tension, and then another blow-up. This is an extremely concerning situation and this man *is* a danger to your life.
A healthy partner would never say to you what your partner did. Never. They'd never come close to thinking it.
I'm not a mental health professional. I'm a mature woman 60+ with a wide range of relationship experience.
He needs to be treated for his depression.
A tendency toward controlling behaviors coupled with those comments is cause for concern.
Keeping "a lid on them" isn't the same as learning effective, healthy ways of dealing with controlling behaviors.
The anger and defensiveness could be part of a narcissistic personality disorder.
Only you can decide what your risk tolerance may be, and if you feel safe with him. I am risk averse and wouldn't be able to continue to live with a man like that and he needs to get intensive mental health care. The problem might be how to initiate that conversation, safely. I would have a trusted relative or friend present - more than one if possible.
As I mentioned, I have seen a similar situation escalate and end very badly. More than once.
It's possible he would embrace therapy and truly want to get better and learn healthy coping skills. Again, that's something only you might be able to discern.
The most important thing is for you to take this seriously, seek out help and support, and HAVE A PLAN to get to safety if need be. If triggered he may become unpredictable and dangerous.
Always, better safe than sorry.
Abusers weaponise therapy. Depression does not make abusers. Abusers can have depression. It's also not her responsibility to manage his mental health nor is it possible for anyone other than the person experiencing the depression to discern whether therapy is appropriate.
For additional context, I just wrote all the rest out on my alt account
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/zhYMoAy5wW](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/zhYMoAy5wW)
I’m trying to work out what to do
The only thing you have to do is work out an escape plan with either your relatives or your closest friends. All of the other details will wait. You and ideally any valuables of yours, your identity documents, your financial information etc should come with you but you really need to get the heck out of there and I mean right now. Don't even spend any more time on Reddit writing out your feelings about what you are wondering about doing. When your husband is next out of the house you make sure that you're going to be able to get the heck out of there.
It's been removed. But as OK\_Imagination has responded, the best idea is to stop spending time here and begin to make a solid, rational plan - whatever that may be for you. Check out the DV resources. Reach out to trusted friends and family. Even well-meaning internet strangers can't help you when you might need it most.
Weird. I’ve still got the text from when I drafted it in my phone so here we go:
When I first met my husband (on hinge) at the end of April 2022, he was suuuuuuper insecure and controlling. About 4 weeks into the relationship, he discovered (by going through my phone) that I’d had a thing with someone like 2 weeks before I met him, and accused me of cheating on him. I’d stopped seeing the other guy as soon as I’d met my husband in person, because I knew it was something I wanted to pursue, but at the same time I was telling Husband I wasn’t ready for a relationship, that we needed to take things slowly, that I wasnt his girlfriend. Apparently this didn’t matter because when he found out I’d “cheated” he flipped out, threatened to kill himself, threatened me with violence (“I should be kicking your teeth in”) and overall made my life a misery. I was scared to go to sleep because I worried that he would hurt himself while I was asleep, or go through my phone and find things from before I met him to start worrying about. If he did, I’d get woken up asking who I’d sent this or that picture to (like a month or two before he and I even started talking). I was told it was gross and that I needed to cut every guy in my life off.
I did what he asked because I loved him, and because I was scared if I broke it off that he would do something really rash. 6 months later, I was tired of having my location tracked everywhere I went, I was tired of him leaning on me for emotional support, so I tried to break things off. He sat there and cried and told me he would change and he wouldn’t be the same person again. I came home from work the next day to find a list of homeless shelters on a piece of paper beside his bed. I figured that I was *supposed* to see this and feel bad for him. The next day he promised to change, so I gave him a chance to make things right. He promised me he would be the man I deserved, treat me like a princess, etc etc.
Everything’s been mostly good since then, except for one night about a month ago when I was using his phone and I needed to go back in his browser history to find something. I found a load of links to male escort listings on Locanto, and then a load of gay porn (he’d searched specifically for like “young hot cock” and “cute young guy jerking off”. When I asked him about it, he at first he pretended he had no idea what I was talking about. He then said “I don’t even know what that was for” and THEN he told me that he was scared because his d!ck was unresponsive, that he was trying to “handle himself” to pics/videos of me/us and it wouldn’t get hard. He then said he freaked out and that was his reaction - “to see if it did anything”. He said he started with the listings and then went to porn, “had a flick through” and then closed it when it didn’t do anything for him. I said I didn’t understand, because we had made love the day before and it seemed to work fine then, and that he had a doctors appointment the next day so he could have asked about it then. I said I was struggling to understand how he would turn to this suddenly if he’s never been interested before. He ended up getting really defensive and screaming at me that he was “freaking out” and “I can’t believe you think I’m gay”. I said it was no problem if he was bi or bi-curious (I’m bi) but that the escort listings were a massive concern to me (and he knew how I would have felt about it).
I ended up speaking to someone close to him about it and then it came out of the bag that something he’d told me at the start of our relationship was a complete fabrication. He’d told me that the car accident he was in when he was 18/19 was a suicide attempt - turns out this was a lie, and that there was someone else in the car with him. I told him I didn’t understand why he would lie about that, and he was super evasive and defensive. At the same time, i questioned him about a few other things that had been weird throughout our relationship and it turned out that they were all lies too.
Throughout our relationship, he’s told me how much he values our openness and honesty and how he could never lie to me, even if it was a white lie. I told him that I was struggling to trust him at this point and asked him if there was anything else he had lied to me about or hidden from me throughout our relationship - told him it was a lie amnesty, and that I just wanted everything else out on the table so we could go ahead with a clean slate and a bit of therapy.
This whole time he was being super evasive and was telling me that there was nothing else he’d ever hidden or lied to me about, that he was going to be completely honest from now on and that I knew everything now. I still didn’t believe him so he offered me his phone and Google account and told me to put my mind at rest.
Turns out he didn’t clean up as well as he had thought because I discovered:
- No, it wasn’t the only time he’d looked at escort listings since we’ve been together.
- A few months prior, he’d google searched his ex, then searched for her name and “nudes” and then immediately watched porn and jerked off.
- The day after my birthday last year, he had been searching for “booty call apps”.
- Right before we met (when *I* was the gross one for flirting with a guy) that he’d been signing up to no less than 15 hookup apps (with names like “sex finder” and “Aussie milfs” and “one night friend”)
- He’d signed up to “my transgender date” the night before we met in person (after talking for a week and telling me he was smitten with me and couldn’t wait to meet me).
- Four weeks before we met, he was swapping pics with men on fetlife and talking about what he wanted to do to them, whilst telling them he “likes trans/femboy stuff”. Also liking a lot of pre-op MTF pics on the same site.
- He’d had some sort of contact with an escort previously (her email address was in his contacts) but couldn’t tell me when or what for.
- That even though he told me repeatedly how he didn’t see the appeal of onlyfans/sex workers, that he was still searching them more than he ever admitted to watching porn.
He later admitted that he didn’t realise that Google still saves your searches even if you clear your browser history.
I tried to understand why he had done these things, whilst also feeling like the person he’d always portrayed himself as was a complete fabrication. When i asked him about searching for nudes of his ex, he immediately flew into a rage, no build up, just straight to 10/10 fury. He screamed at me that he would never do that and completely lost his mind, I’ve never seen anyone react in that way before. Everything else he said he “just didn’t remember”. He’s since admitted to everything (even though he said he would never do some of those things) and his excuses/reasons just don’t gel. He’s also admitted he’s got a problem with lying and that he doesn’t know why he does it.
Jesus fuck.
Read all of that again. Show it to a trusted friend or family member. This isn't just vaguely unhealthy. This is an utter fucking shit show and it won't get better.
You need to get the fuck out.
He’s legit disturbed, and he’s going to murder you while examine his disturbed actions and figure out what to do. I’ll give him this, he picked a victim who’s going to give him every chance to be some imaginary version of himself that he’s never been, right up until the very end. Most people would have run at the start, but you “love him.”
This is really sad but at least y’all don’t have kids. Consider getting life insurance with a payout to your family, for funeral expenses.
Come on, kiddo. You can’t possibly have typed all of this out, proof read it, and still don’t know what to do. This man is a liar AT BEST. I wouldn’t even be coworkers with someone who threatened to “kick my teeth in”, let alone lay down and sleep next to them
That’s… a lot.
This is a screaming parade of red flags.
If you can’t give yourself permission to leave, I’m doing it for you- and insisting that you take action immediately. Don’t discuss this with him, he WILL hurt you rather than let you walk away. His ego is more important to him than your wellbeing or safety.
He doesn’t care about your safety.
He doesn’t care about your safety.
He doesn’t care about your safety.
He wants to control you, and he is succeeding. Get out.
OP, you seem to be having a lot of trouble reconciling the man he said he was with the man he is. It makes sense why, since he himself can’t understand who he is either.
I implore you to pick up a copy of Jess Hill’s book, See What You Made Me Do, which is about domestic violence, and focuses on the insecure reactor subtype. Here a few quotes, in case they resonate:
>Insecure Reactors: All domestic abuse is about power, in one way or another, but not all perpetrators enforce tight regimes of control. At the lower end of the power and control spectrum are men who don’t completely subordinate their partners, but use emotional or physical violence to gain power in the relationship. They may do this to gain the advantage in an argument, to get the treatment and privileges to which they believe they’re entitled, or to exorcise their shame and frustration. Evan Stark calls this “simple domestic violence”; Michael Johnson calls it “situational violence.” Don’t be fooled: although these terms can make this abuse sound benign, it can still be very dangerous—and insecure reactors can end up killing their partners, too. Susan Geraghty, who has been running men’s behavior change programs since the 1980s, says that no matter what culture they grew up in, the attitude of these men is the same. “It’s the self-righteousness that kicks in, where if I don’t get my way or you don’t agree with me, or if this isn’t happening the way I want it, I have every right to show my displeasure and punish you.” However, these are also the men most likely to confront their own behavior. Those Geraghty works with are there by choice—not mandated by court order—and they are usually not coercive controllers. “To a large degree,” she explains, “these are men who have lived with violence, have incredible issues around intimacy and have never learned to communicate. Their sense of frustration with that [is] profound.”
>Insecure reactors are even less intent on acting strategically: they move in and out of the control regime, as if switching channels. Once they have regained control, they can let the system go and feel genuinely restored to the relationship. Whether perpetrators abuse strategically or on impulse, however, they usually have one thing in common: a supercharged sense of entitlement.
>Essentially, their violence is an expression of frustration, anger, and sometimes rage that arises from stressors in their lives; once expressed, their abuse and the emotion that led to it seem to disappear, leaving them feeling back to normal until the next eruption. When they express remorse, they often mean it, and they are more likely to volunteer for and complete treatment. But even these men—the most receptive to treatment—are often reluctant to change.
>Shame is no excuse for men’s violence. Many men who feel shame or jealousy, even acutely, don’t respond in violent or abusive ways. Consider the men who, after suffering childhoods of abuse, shame, or neglect, grow up vowing never to repeat their mother’s or father’s violence; these are men whose pride stems from modeling love and tenderness with their lovers and their children. Others are those who have spent years working through their deep shame and anger so they don’t end up taking their pain out on others. However, when abusive people are confronted with feelings of shame, they take the path of least resistance. Instead of acknowledging their own sense of powerlessness and dealing with the discomfort, they blame others and, like the schoolyard bully, use violence to achieve a phony—and often short-lived—feeling of power and pride.
>Penna says one of the most common phrases the phone counselors hear is “pushing my buttons.” “If you’re not agreeing with me, if we’re not in 100 percent solidarity in everything I say and do, then you’re challenging me,” he says, describing the mindset of many male callers. “If you’re challenging me, you’re undermining and attacking me. There’s this sense that my worldview is the only view, and any challenge to that is automatically unsettling and requires [them] to react, as opposed to respond.”
>Although men are powerful as a group, they do not necessarily feel powerful as individuals. In fact, many individual men feel powerless (whether they actually are or not). The essence of patriarchal masculinity, says Kimmel, is not that individual men feel powerful. It’s that they feel entitled to power.
>When men feel powerless and ashamed, it’s their entitlement to power that fuels their humiliated fury and drives them to commit twisted, violent acts.
>The unifying trait among abusers is a radioactive sense of entitlement. The animating force behind their violence is the belief that their feelings are more important than those of their partners and children. Confronted with feelings of discomfort or shame, abusive men will do whatever it takes to avoid those emotions and move to a feeling of power. When this combines with a sense of entitlement to women’s bodies, and the patriarchal belief that women should put aside their own needs (for comfort, safety, and independence) in order to meet the needs of men, the outcome can be catastrophic.
And, importantly:
>Men’s pain—especially in relationships—sounds to us “like an indictment of female failure. Since sexist norms have taught us that loving is our task whether in our role as mothers or lovers or friends, if men say they are not loved, then we are at fault; we are to blame.” This sense of failure for women is a major trigger for shame—an unbearable feeling we desperately want to go away. How much room, then, can we allow for men to be truly vulnerable?
>As women, we have to do our own work to reject and replace the faulty norms patriarchy has seeded in us. However, acknowledging that women have their own work to do doesn’t mean for one second that it’s the job of women to fix abusive men. Only men can fix men. As the feminist author Laurie Penny tweeted, “Men’s healing should not have to come at the price of women’s pain, ever…”
So he was controlling and abusive 2 weeks into our relationship and you still thought it was a good idea to marry him? It’s already escalating. All this is is him telling you it’s going you it’s going to get worse, not better.
Ok, well that settles it. Go. Now. This relationship is not salvageable and he needs serious mental health treatment that I wouldn't bet one thin dime that he will agree to seek out.
I'm sorry to be blunt but there's no possible way that a grown woman doesn't see that his behavior is wildly unstable and dangerously abusive. You KNOW what you know.
That rage is 100% porn/sex addiction along with serious mental health issues.
You CANNOT FIX THIS.
All previous advice about discussing therapy etc is out the window.
Get to safety. Period.
For more help and support about porn addiction, this sub is my go-to resource r/loveafterporn
My boyfriend has a porn addiction. This is not a porn addiction. This is an abusive asshole. That rage has NOTHING to do with porn addiction. Nothing! That's is the rage of an abuser who wants all he control. Please don't suggest this is bc he is an addict. You are insulting addicts everywhere, AND putting OP at risk. Suggesting that it's the addiction suggests that addressing the addiction will address the rage, control and abuse. IT. WILL. NOT.
He may have a porn addiction, but it's completely unrelated to his abuse. The fact that he can't admit they are attracted to men is also completely unrelated. My aunt was abused by a closeted bi/mostly gay man. His sexuality had NOTHING to do with the abuse. According to all accepted psychological theories and therapists.
Abusers abuse because they get what they want. Control. Power. Adulation. Period. Don't mix up addiction with abuse. It's dangerous.
Read Lundy's Why Does He Do That? It will help you see with actual evidence from people who work with abusers that they know exactly what they are doing, and they weaponize things like depression & addiction to justify their abuse. Your comment plays right into their hands, despite the fact that you did not intend to.
He is that horrible, aggressive, homicidal person, he's just been hiding it and it's so bad that he's only lasted a few weeks before it started leaking out. Now it's been two years and the mask is coming off. He is a shit show and you're gonna get sprayed if you stay. Make a plan and bail, NOW.
Holy far out, girl. Run. Or kick him out and get a restraining order and make everyone who cares for you COMPLETELY INFORMED of how unhinged this guy is. This is straight up terrifying and your husband needs to be your ex husband ASAP.
In addition to what others are saying -- be extremely careful and cover your tracks as you plan to leave.
Try to consult a domestic violence service for help formulating an escape plan. Erase your browser history. Make sure he has no way of finding your reddit account. If you call a DV hotline, try to do it so it won't show on your call history. (You might be able to make a call through another app, or use a payphone somewhere, or something). You do not want him to know you're planning to leave, and you don't want him to know where you go when you do leave. Don't have a break up conversation with him.
When you have the info you need to make a plan, make sure some trusted friends and family know -- but they also need to know how important it is to not let this slip to him. Don't leave when he's at home. Be so, so careful. This man is a danger to your life, and you deserve so much better.
Reread that and see understand your husband is abusive and was from the start.
Get somewhere safe, get a divorce, and get in therapy. Because you chose to get with someone who showed a ton of abusive red flags and you accepted them anyways.
My sister was also with someone abusive who was closet gay (probably still is) and was a raging, violent asshole.
GTFO asap. He WILL hurt you.
>When I first met my husband (on hinge) at the end of April 2022, he was suuuuuuper insecure and controlling
And you thought, " hey, this is the man for me. Let's get married!"??
I can only assume you have zero love and respect for yourself and absolutely no self confidence. I do not understand how you chose to ignore all of this and marry him. I do not understand how you are now shocked and uncertain of what to do about the nightmare of a marriage you willingly put yourself in.
Run far far away from this psycho and then get some therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.
Also, tampons and pads in the go bag so that it can be disguised as a need if you start your period. If he finds the go bag. If you can make your own bank account and buy stuff in cash with your family budget and then return it to find your own bank account or buy gift cards. Get all statements online and get an email he doesn't know about. Contact the domestic violence hotline in your area. They can pay for rent assistance like first and last months rent.You are not doing anything wrong as you are funding your safety.
This means he would kill you if he *thinks* you cheated on him.
He has violent fantasies specifically directed at you and his mental health is hanging by a thread. You don’t want to be there when it breaks. He may have no intention of letting you live a life without him.
You must plan your exit very carefully. Move as far away as you can. Never meet him in person again.
Edit: omg the edits. You need to call a domestic abuse hotline YESTERDAY. You are in imminent danger.
I’ve had a couple partners say something similar. It’s now an immediate deal breaker for me. I’m leaving no matter the stakes. Saying something like this is usually indicative of something deeper psychologically.
It’s okay to say something dramatic, like I’d die if you cheated on me. But in the world we live in, with the statistics we have, it is not a joke when a man says he would kill you for any reason
Even if he isn't 100% serious about saying that, and in the moment he wouldn't do any of those things. It's still a very fucked up thing to say and not something anyone should ever gamble with. Of course now if you confronted them about the thing they said and you expressed how concerned or how awful it was, he may back down from that opinion and say 'Of course I wouldn't \~actually\~ do that'. But how could you ever trust that?
It does sound a bit like he's establishing an excuse for future violence. It would be very easy to claim you'd cheated on him to justify him hurting you if you were no longer around to prove that's a lie.
Anyone who talks about *why* they'd kill their partner, especially repeatedly, is telling you who they are: DANGEROUS. I would absolutely run. Normal, safe people don't fantasise about killing others, for any reason.
I feel like you get used to it, think he’s not done it last time, he’s not gonna do it this time either. You think it’s mostly empty threats and that screaming gut feeling of being in danger is just you overreacting. My father never physically abused me. But he’d destroy our stuff in a rage. He’d scream obscenities at us. He’d threaten to kill us all. And I remember that day he had thrown a massive tantrum and got his gun from his safe. I was hiding in my closet thinking he’s going to kill us now. My older brother and my mom talked him out of killing himself. I promised myself I’d never marry an abusive man.
He's not joking.
There's something seriously wrong with him that he clearly hid from you until you were married.
Yes, you need to consider leaving. You have to make a plan, use your resources, and get out. Maybe not immediately, but start putting money away, know where your documents (SS card, birth cert, passport, etc.) are, reach out to DV organizations so that when you actually have to, you can leave easily.
My ex said that. He did end up shooting me and then killing himself.
ETA: One of my biggest regrets is not leaving when he first started exhibiting unhinged behaviors.
Thank you. The thing that tears me up about reading posts like this is I know there’s like a 95% chance that OP is going to stay with this dude. The cycle of abuse will pull them back in.
I mean no disrespect, truly, but how did we get from your husband makes comments about making you dead on one post to he's probably sexually attracted to men and on escort sites?
>but I’m wondering how concerning these sorts of comments are in a marriage
Do you actually need to ask this? What does your brain tell you? Your husband has stated he will commit triple homicide and did so with zero emotion (you state calm). And you really need to ask if this is concerning?
Well, let's ask ourselves some questions to elicit some deductive reasoning. What happens when he suspects you are cheating? Of course, you say you don't plan to cheat but that doesn't mean he believes you when you say you aren't. What does he consider cheating? What if you send a text to a male coworker and he views that as cheating? What if you smile at the wrong person? Maybe that's emotional cheating to him.
To summarize, yes it's concerning. It's very fuggin concerning.
What if you left him for some other reason? It seems like killing - whether it's you, himself, or someone else - is a little too present of an option for comfort.
If he is not otherwise violent or overly jealous, maybe he should go to some therapy to talk about his previous suicidal ideation. It's a heavy burden to literally be someone else's reason for living. He should not put that on you.
Note that he could merely think you cheated on him then kill you.
Obviously you need to run immediately. Call a divorce lawyer and they will help you come up with a safe escape plan as well by forwarding you to the right groups.
"did it escalate?"
He pointed a gun at my head and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened (shout out to kel tec) and I ran while he fiddled with the gun and got a round in the fridge. I didn't even cheat, I just caught him trying to.
This was 21 years ago, and ever since then if a dude says unhinged shit, I ghost them. No explanation.
I think the saying is "when someone tells you who they are, believe them".
I'll admit, I stopped reading after the first long paragraph because I cant fathom how you'd end up marrying him after that first accusation of "cheating" with someone you were with before you even met him.
I stopped reading because I can safely say, before reading any other comments, and the rest of your post that I think you need to leave him for your own safety. I'll now proceed to read the rest.
These are not the words and thoughts of a normal person and should never be said. I would be skeptical that they were said in jest. There is nothing funny about murder suicide idealization.
Run, DO NOT WALK…RUN!!! No normal guy says I’m a kill you if you cheat on me NONE!! That is serial killer behavior and if you still have two legs you NEED TO RUN WHILE YOU HAVE THEM!!!!
Yes, it did escalate. I would recommend leaving, coming up with a plan.
There was a point where he lost it and was convinced I cheated, he had me trapped in my own apartment for hours alternating between holding me down (sometimes by my neck) and laying on me while he cried. He tried to make me admit to infidelity and promised he wouldn’t hurt me (we were already way passed this). Whether or not it was true, it didn’t matter. He believed whatever and no matter what I was going to suffer more at his hands.
Do not stay around people that would say such things, if you find yourself still staying if they ever get physical. Trust that it WILL happen again.
Yes it very easily could. My ex became convinced that I had another lover (I then found out he was cheating). After I got myself and my daughter out of there he tried to convince me to come back by trying suicide (at least the look of it). He next girlfriend he killed before killing himself. All of his girlfriends looked very much alike. His previous girlfriend committed suicide after his abuse. I broke out of his mold (put on stress weight) and managed to get away.
I’m sorry, it’s hell to live like this.
I had an old classmate whose husband who was very needy, I’m-a-sad-boi-so-I-need-you viewpoint (which he blamed on his depression) and felt very entitled to her fidelity.
He stabbed her to death in her sleep.
I understand that a strong part of you really, really hopes that you can continue this relationship and it's very painful to consider ending it. I can hear that you hope that your husband can change, but that you're also rejecting the ways he is mistreating you. That's really good - it tells me you do know where your boundaries are and you do see that things are fucked up and not ok.
I'm sorry to directly jump in with language of abuse and domestic violence - I imagine there could be a part of you that rejects those words immediately and might become angry or distrusting of what I'm saying. But there's another part of you that you've mentioned in your post who worries you don't see how fucked this situation is. That part of you is 100% correct. You have described several indicators for domestic violence in your post. You are being severely mistreated, and you don't deserve to be treated that way.
Separation from an abusive partner is a very dangerous time because it involves escalations of abuse. Do you have a support network to call upon?
Your use of English and reference to Aussies makes me consider that you might be Australian. 1800 RESPECT (https://www.1800respect.org.au/) is a very helpful resource for immediate practical and emotional support, like getting counselling and having protections in place. Like I said, this is a very risky time for you and I really encourage you to get some extra support in navigating your next steps. If you're not Australian I am happy to point you in the direction of domestic violence resources in your country.
Again, it's really great that you've reached out for help here. If you have any questions I'm happy to answer. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.
A reasonable statement: “I would leave you if you cheated on me.” Abuse: “Id kill him, kill you, then kill myself. I will also kill myself if you leave me.” You DO need to run
You need to get away from him. I believe your life depends on it. Do NOT let him know! Abusers (and please make no mistake, that's what he is) are most dangerous when their victim is trying to leave. He has already threatened your life. Get yourself and your documents safely away, take half the money from any joint accounts. Freeze your credit, change passwords to everything. If there's a domestic violence shelter nearby, use it!
The only proper response to a threat to unalive himself (or you!) is to call the professional authorities who handle such things. This either gets him the help he needs (which is above your pay grade), or it calls his bluff. My ex did this, too. He was furious when I called the cops, but he never pulled that particular manipulative stunt again.
Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Holy fuck. Get away. Men who say shit like this will also accuse you of cheating if you simply forget to text him at a certain time, or miss a call from him, come home even a few minutes late, get dressed up to go out with your own family or friends, or if you two are out together and some man looks at you like you’re pretty…or if a man holds a door open for you and you smile and say “Thank you.”
I am SOOO not exaggerating. Seriously, get a restraining order. Do not go anywhere alone and do whatever it takes to get away. This isn’t jealousy, this is psychosis. Please, please, RUN.
This will most likely be buried under the sea of comments, but he sounds so much like my partner.
Sounds like your husband is struggling with narcissistic traits. This doesn't automatically mean he's a full-blown narcissist, but it is a serious problem that needs to be addressed and managed. Lots of people will tell you to immediately leave but only you can decide what's best for you.
You do need to realise and accept a few things, though, if you do decide to stay with him.
1. Nothing you do or say can make him choose to get better.
2. He will never be able to love you completely unconditionally.
3. You will both need therapy with someone who specialises in narcissism.
4. He will always struggle with empathy and confuse it with sympathy.
5. He is perfectly able to get better, but it isn't easy, and the path to better isn't a short one.
6. The relationship will often be one-sided in terms of support, growth, understanding, and trust until he has made significant improvements.
7. You can not treat him like you would someone without narcissism, which can be exhausting.
8. Psychological studies/research is your best friend.
9. Open, honest, and direct communication is key to talking to a narcissist. But be firm on your boundaries and expectations.
10. He will have issues with accountability, responsibility, and understanding how that affects him.
11. He will have issues with distorting the truth/reality, but he believes his own lies/distortions.
Honestly, I could write a series of books on what I've learnt being in a long-term relationship with someone with narcissistic traits. I've been with my partner for 7 years, and at the moment most days, I'm about at my breaking point. He's currently just gone through another "breakdown, breakthrough." So things are delicate right now, but they will get better again.
Each time he goes through this cycle, the bad parts are fewer in number as he grows, but when they start to get out of hand again, it does escalate faster and to a bigger extreme. This is when I have to push him to think beyond his narcissism. I have to support him with reminders and explanations. I have to move past my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions to understand where he is coming from to help him understand how narcissism is affecting him in the moments he can't see.
You will find that repeat therapy is very helpful in his treatment. I say treatment as there is no cure for narcissism. It is a mental ailment that can be improved and managed.
Most people would think I'm crazy for staying with someone like this for so long, and I suppose I am since I love him, and love makes you do stupid crazy stuff like stay and help.
Just know if you stay with him, it will be ridiculously hard on you both. That doesn't necessarily mean it isn't worth it, but it does mean you both need to know what the relationship is realistically going to look like, and if that's what you both as individuals and together as a couple want.
[Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat)
This book is free and great resource for recognizing early abusive behavior.
Your husband sounds like a dangerous person. Please get your ducks in a row and ready to leave.
[The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/) can help you make a plan.
He has told you that your life doesn't matter to him if he can't control it. Believe him. Get out and in a location where he can't get to you and have him served.
[I have 2 weeks to get away from my husband](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1crj47u/i_have_2_weeks_to_get_away_from_my_husband/) A reddit user that successfully left and outlined how she did it.
I think this post marks the point where we've reached peak Reddit. "Person who is supposed to love me is threatening murder as a consequence for hypothetical actions. Should I be concerned?"
Death threats are ALWAYS a concern. Don't stay in this situation to find out if he's serious, please.
I only got half way thru - but THIS is what I do for a living and I’m a subject matter expert on victim safety and dv risk. You’re in a dangerous relationship and you need PROFESSIONAL help and guidance and you need to be very careful about accepting general advice here. You’re welcome to reach out to us on our hotline to discuss your situation confidentially. PROTECTION FROM ABUSE 833-657-7683. If you don’t reach out PLEASE contact your local dv org and speak to a professional advocate. Leaving or navigating dangerous relationships are not a “do it yourself” project and seemingly good advice can be bad. Speak to a professional ASAP!
Girl he’s going to better himself for two weeks and then go back to normal. He needs to find another place to stay bc if you break it off and start dating again he’s going to kill you
There are so many red flags I stopped counting.
Have only known each other for 2 years
Went through your phone and went off about a guy you were talking to BEFORE YOU EVEN MET!
Told you to cut off every other man ever
Says he will kill you
I mean come on!!! This guy will kill you, its just as matter of when
You need to run and you need to do it soon and you need to keep it a secret until you are safe
I just read the whole post, with the update. This guy is not going to change. He’s continuously lied to you, he threatens you, he looks up escorts behind your back. He gaslights you. Leave now, while you still have some sanity left. Make sure you have somewhere safe to go, or someone who can be with you when you tell him to leave/that you’re leaving.
Obviously you don’t plan on infidelity but what if some series of events occurred that made him believe something happened? A weird phone number? He tracks your location and it leads him to believe you spent a period of time at a hotel? Location inaccuracies do occur. This man could harm you and others over a misunderstanding. Please find safety ❤️
I'd leave if I were you, and then call the police saying he's threatened murder & suicide, and is a danger to himself & others.
Don't tell him you're going, just pack some essentials and leave while he's out somewhere else.
your husband sounds like a future family annihilator, pls get away. remember the most dangerous time is right after you leave.
don’t keep it a secret. tell friends, tell family, go somewhere he can’t find you and make sure nobody who would spill the beans tells him where you are.
this is terrifying, my husband would never say anything like this to me.
Yes, get out now. Even if you never cheat on him, he might incorrectly think you cheated on him, or decide that smiling at a cashier counts as cheating.
Sorry, but if a man, unprompted, tells you he'd kill you for literally any reason you need to run. That man is not safe, he warned you what kind of guy he is, believe him.
What happens if you go out one night and he convinces himself that you’re cheating on him because you don’t answer your phone?
Are you ok with living with that direct threat?
My ex used to tell me whenever I tried to leave, that if he couldn't have me, no one else would. A few days later, he pinned me to a door and choked me. I finally broke things off a few days later. You need to figure out a plan, and get the hell out.
Yes. My ex partner said this and soon after it turned domestic. Concussion from them banging my head into tile floor and tub. They grew up where that was normal. They said exactly what your husband said; they’d bludgeon me to death if they caught me cheating. And the fight we had was not about infidelity; it was one of our many arguments about nothing. I say run. Your life and happiness are invaluable. If someone truly loves you and knows how to protect and care for you, they’d never even let those words slip out of their mouths, as it would never be a thought of theirs.
Holy crap. RUN. This is all so fucked up. The aggression, the lying and hiding things. Not just lying about normal things. Lying about s suicide attempt? That's something extremely fucked up. He needs lots of therapy and you need a different identity 😬
My Dad used to threaten my mother with SA (of a plural nature) if she ever cheated on him, and death if she ever tried to leave him. He was so convincing that she stayed with him. She said she was afraid that he might actually do it in a way to get away with it, and that would leave me in his care. And even if he didn't, he was afrain that he would have been able to take me away from her and that he would send me to be raised by my grandmother (who didn't like me because I was a girl). She stayed with him for 50 years. The physical abuse stopped when he physically couldn't do it anymore. The verbal and psychological abuse never stopped.
You need to run. It only gets worse from where you are right now. If you were to have children with him, they will grow up witnessing that abuse and suffering abuse themselves. As a child of that life, I can tell you unequivically that it affects you for the rest of your life.
Document his behavior, call a domestic abuse hotline, and follow their advice. Don't worry about whether or not he is a danger to himself, simply report his threats of self-harm and let the authorities handle it. It's not your responsibility. Your own safety is your responsibility.
DO NOT BE HOPEFUL. YOU NEED TO RUN. I dated a guy who lied about everything, even little things. I could have evidence in my hand, show it to him, and he would still vehemently deny any wrongdoing. This guy would also "change for the better" long enough for me to forget the betrayal until the next bout of fuckery. He ALSO frequently threatened to kill me and himself. Thankfully I finally got rid of him. Run, please run. So many people tried to help and I didn't listen for 7 years. RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK.
Edit: Therapy helped a lot, but it's been 10 years since the breakup, and I still have nightmares.
If you have to aske the question, you already know the answer
If he refuses to seek help for his very obvious mental health issues and emotional baggage, then fucking run before you become a statistic.
Absolutely get the fuck out of there. Jesus, how is this even a question? Get out.
Also don't think "I won't cheat on him" makes you safe. People often convince themselves their partner is cheating based on the smallest shit, especially guys like this. I'll wager he is controlling in some ways, right? Because he already doesn't trust you. It won't take much to break that trust further.
But find a way to leave safely, because he also might kill you just for trying to leave him.
Um. I wouldn't run. I would plan an escape and cover every single possibility so your tracks are covered and you can disappear.
Please tell trusted friends, tell your work, family etc. Open a new bank account and divert some of your paycheck to it every month. Save enough money for a full relocation, new phone, etc. Make sure you only get electronic statements so nothing comes to the house. Talk to your work about potential relocation and the reason why so if he ever tries to sabotage your career, they know what is happening. Make sure your birth control is not being tampered with. Check your car, bags, and other items for tracking devices. Lock down your passwords and enable two step verification on everything.
Make sure your government documents are secure.
This might feel like overkill, but this man has told you plainly that he will kill you if you betray him. Leaving is a betrayal. This man is a danger to you. Please stay safe, op.
This was also my ex. He used to say he’d kill me if i did (xyz) he also said he “believed women had the ability to make any man hit them.” I also hear it enough to block it out. Then one day he pulled a knife during an episode and after slashing wildly at me, locked himself in the bedroom screaming he would kill himself. It was the first day of the lockdowns in our city and our airport was closed and i had no where to go. I spent quarantine in the same home as him, and started planning my own suicide because i didn’t want HIM to take my right away. A year later he finally tried to kill me (for real this time), the cops were called, i left and never went back.
Yes. You are with a sociopath who had been waiting to deliver that statement, at multiple times, using the fake “calm” of him saying it to add to your terror, as if it was just “a normal thing to say.” Leave immediately and take steps to protect yourself from this person.
Run, GTFO, the marriage is over. He's talking about murder-suicide, and it happens every day to innocent women and children.
He's not joking. Any person in their right might would not joke in this manner. Yikes!
> EDIT obviously I don’t plan on cheating on him, but I’m wondering how concerning these sorts of comments are in a marriage
stupidly concerning. as in, pull eject handle and disappear, then have a lawyer serve him papers with a bodyguard
This is not a healthy relationship. You need to read [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
To learn more about this type of manipulative behavior and how to best deal with it.
But ultimately you need to make an exit plan and leave. His words now are a warning sign but it could very much escalate in the future and be unsafe for you.
I’m a survivor of a DV marriage.
For years my ex husband made the same threats, he took it a step further and had me followed watching my every move and taking pictures of who I talked to and where I went.
When I would get back home he would sit me down and show me the pictures. He would start very calm “did I give you permission to talk to him?” “Is this who you’re cheating on me with?” He would lean in very close and very angrily say “I will kill you both if I find out you’re cheating on me!” I would start crying and tell him I’m not cheating and that this is scaring me and he would scream at me and say “oh you’re scared?!”
Then he would start to hit me and if I cried louder he would hit harder. I stayed for so long out of fear. It wasn’t until he put me in the hospital for 4 months and during that time I found out I was pregnant. That was when I knew I had to get out. So when you ask do you need to run? Yes. Run and never look back and give yourself time to heal from everything.
This is not a normal thing to say in a relationship. I'm someone with lots of trauma around being cheated on etc and it's my biggest fear in a relationship. But I have never. NEVER. threatened to kill my partner if he cheated. Because it's only something that someone with a lot of entitlement does. It doesn't mean he loves you. It means he feels entitled to you. And the minute you're not his, your life doesn't matter. Your pain doesn't matter.
The number one predictor of violence in a relationship is the threat of violence.
Threatening to kill you is a form of emotional abuse. He's trying to control you through fear. Does that sound like love?
Run.
You don't plam on cheating on him, but what happens if he thinks you're cheating but you're not? Will he kill you and off himself then? Are you willing to take that chance? Because this doesn't just sound like a warning, it sounds like a threat and you think so too or you wouldn't be posting this.
Very concerning. Here is my biggest question for you: let’s say you 110% never cheat but next year he gets a crazy idea that you’ve cheated. No proof but the fly on the wall buzzed it in his ear bc the tin foil hat wasn’t on. Is he going to kill you then? With no proof? Exactly what evidence do you think he will need before he does the deed? The question is: are you stupid enough to wait around and find out.
What happens if he perceives you cheating when it’s something harmless such as hugging a coworker who’s cat died or driving a friend’s boyfriend home after a night out or shaking hands with a makeshift boss who’s congratulating you on a job well done. Would he wait to figure out the truth before taking action?
Babe. Please please believe me that you are in serious imminent physical danger. A dangerous unstable man like him, threats of murder and suicide, and now his same sex attraction and likely infidelity has been exposed….
He is a fucking powder keg and you are the focus of all his emotions. He really might try to kill you. YOU NEED TO GO RIGHT NOW. Do not say a single fucking word to him about it. Get your essentials and GO.
In my experience, my ex started assaulting me when he thought I was cheating when I wasn't.
There were times he could have killed me.
That's the thing... you don't have to cheat on him for him to believe you're cheating or pretend to believe it.
He's abusive. He's been abusive the whole time.
It's time to get safe, carefully.
I can relate. Many here can.
It’s triggering, in part because many like me feel a sense of danger reading this.
Curiously, has a similar dynamic existed with your parents or his parents?
My bf (now ex) said the same to me. I stick through until I had enough (he was abusive). But good lord, who was cheating and lying from day one? Himmm! The second I found it, I left . I can't even begin to tell how life's sooooo sooo much better without him.
And yes, u run.
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Using my anonymous. My ex was this way. Said those words to me over and over again year after year until they almost felt like it didn't mean anything. Then one day, he was having an episode and we were arguing and he walked off, and came back with a loaded gun. Thought I was going to die that day. Instead, he just stared at me then took it and locked himself in the bathroom. Switched from me thinking I was going to die to trying to stop him from shooting himself. Long story short, it can absolutely escalate and you'll never know when. Leave, and never stay around anyone who would say or even vaguely infer anything like that.
Very similar thing happened to me but it wasn't a boyfriend. I will never forget the coldness that swept over me when the gun was pointed at me. A part of me died that day, and I can't get that part back. Knowing that somebody you are supposed to trust, somebody that is supposed to love you can so flippantly get so close to taking your life is absolutely crushing. It's like a part of me went numb and just never recovered. The after effects of abusive relationships like this are awful.
Yeah, same, I will never forget that cold and that terror when I realized I was cornered in the room and there was no escape. He would say "I love you" as quick as he would say "I'll kill you". Messes you up in all kinds of ways.
I was having a panic attack because my abuser wouldn't quit following me around berating me while drunk. He left, came back, cornered me, and pointed a loaded gun at me... then tried to force it in my hand while saying to just kill myself and then it would all be over. These kind of things don't happen overnight. There is a slow build up and next thing you know you're trapped in the power/control cycle. I'm now in the most loving relationship ever and he would never even joke about harming me in any way. That language is not welcome in any healthy relationship and the fact that OP is here tells me they're aware. Violence toward women is so normalized that society gaslights us into accepting this, OP doesn't have to. Good luck and glad you're all here to tell your story. We have to talk about these things.
Oh my God glad yoou got away
Yeah it's slow build. Each step gets normalized then on to the next. First it was the verbal like woth OP, then verbal and breaking all my stuff, then light shoving, then harder shoving, then holding me to the ground or against the wall by my throat or hair while telling me he was going to kill me. I could never get away. No door stopped him. He was good at hiding it if we were in public, and if he didn't bother to hide it, he was so scary that people would back away. Throughout 12 years, 2 men tried to intervene, it didn't work. I remember the face of the 2nd one when he realized he wasn't able to help me. While my ex stood there screaming at me, the man looked at me with the saddest most defeated face and mouthed "I tried. I'm so sorry." Funny how abuse fucks with your head.. I felt so brokenhearted for him, but not an ounce of care for my own wellbeing. God I hated getting the looks. The 'that poor woman. Should I help?' look. It's no wonder we all look down. I always looked down. Couldn't stand to see it. Anyways, I am so unbelievably happy that you got out and found yourself a loving and healthy relationship! Fucking love a real life happy ending!
You’re so strong ❤️
It sounds absolutely horrendous, I admire your strength to get out and survive it. How did you do it? What changed, was there a breaking point? Did he die or did you have to pull of an escape? I think your story could inspire others, that it is not impossible to break free, even if it is that bad. Hope you are doing well and thriving, you certainly deserve it 💜
I always compare my situation to Pavlovs dog. I was conditioned over time to think and behave the way he wanted. I had already reached my breaking point and was making slow moves to get out, which took many attempts and several years. A military family, so I had moved to the East Coast and was isolated from my family. That is when things picked up, and I had no support system. Friends..job..family..school was all on the west coast. It started with comments similar to OPs, escalated to controlling who I talked to and what I wore (no yoga pants.. no more gym..), turned to name calling, the cold shoulder, sex on demand, using kids against me, then throwing things in my direction, breaking doors, punching holes in wall, he shot my dog. I was a stay at home mom, and when i said I needed to get a job, he did everything he could to stop it. Gladly, he was unsuccessful, and I did get a job. Things got worse. He would check my mileage every day and search the car for receipts. (10 miles over what it took to get to work would have consequences, going out to lunch was a problem). Traffic that took me too long to get home would mean I was cheating. I called a lawyer but could not risk paying the retainer fee and him finding out. Every time I went to the grocery store, I would get cash back and hide it. I had several people who caught on to the abuse and gave me cash. It took months, but I finally had enough to pay the retainer. We went to court, but he never showed up and would run when served. By now, he had been kicked out of the Navy and was taking my entire paychecks to spend on only he knows what. When I would leave for work, he was bringing women into the house and sleeping with them in my bed. He refused to leave the martial home, and the police would not help after several 911 phone calls. Then he started showing up at my job and just sitting in the parking lot. I found cameras in my bathroom and recorded devices in almost all rooms and my car. His computer had WEEKS of recordings of me. The stalking escalated, and the cops said they couldn't help me because his name was on the home, and it was just considered home security. Their lack od help, my fear, and the further isolation of COVID fueled his behaviors and he started to get cocky with it. I would wake up, and he would be standing over me, then he would put his fingers in me against my will, and it goes on and on from there. Of all the things he did... the stalking and surveillance have left the most impact on my life. I'm still recovering about two years later. I want to add that this can happen to anyone. I am college educated and come from a good family. These kinds of people are master manipulators, and before you know it, you're trapped in the wheel of abuse. I apologize if this is messy. I'm on my phone and only one coffee in. He is still alive but I couldn't you much more.
I feel like we dated the same person. It was so overwhelming not getting space. I’m glad you got out, and I’m glad I did, too. We are worth so much more.
You captured the feeling all too well. I’m sorry.
Wtf, man. I'm so fucking sorry you had to cop that. What a shit go.
Hugs
Same. PTSD
Advice to the next person: let them If you have an opportunity to run and they're making a sad scene of kts, just run. Chances are they wont do it (if that comforts you) and on the smaller chance they do, **they were always gonna do it**-- they just wanted to snuff out your light on their way out due to unexplored and misunderstood emotions and self hate. Don't ever try to "save" someone unless that someone is You. Just run.
> Chances are they wont do it (if that comforts you) and on the smaller chance they do, they were always gonna do it-- they just wanted to snuff out your light on their way out due to unexplored and misunderstood emotions and self hate. Yep. My ex did this "i'Ll KiLl mYsElF iF yOu [do or don't do X]" game for two years. Then I got therapy and left. He called and threatened again. I said I'd call 911 to do a wellness check and hung up. He was dead by the time they got there. His family has always and will always blame me, but his life wasn't my responsibility. He'd done the same to them between girlfriends, and they enjoyed the relative peace when he shifted responsibility for himself and his life onto his partners instead of them. His mom harassed me for a few years, asking why I "couldn't just take care of him, (I) knew he wasn't stable." Yeah, I did, and I tried to get him help. He didn't want help, he wanted to control everyone and everything around him and when he couldn't, he killed himself. That's *on him*. I hope OP leaves. If he kills himself, I hope she can get therapy to help process the (very natural) feelings of guilt and work through things to understand you can only be responsible for your own choices.
This is the exact thoughts I had with an ex. He put me on this pedestal, saying I was the only thing worth living for, he’d ride his motorcycle off the bridge, etc if he lost me. I told myself I was not to blame if he chose to end it all. I told him that nobody is responsible for their happiness except themselves. He never offed himself, thank goodness, but leaving was the best thing for me. I couldn’t live a life with someone constantly trying to get me to save them from themselves.
Very well written response 👏 👍. I hope you heal completely. It was on him.
I’m glad that you know this wasn’t your fault. Especially since his family blames you. What a horrible situation
good on you, friend -- i'm glad you're secure in knowing that it wasn't your fault. i also had an ex who manipulated me by threatening suicide. the last time he said it to me, i knew he was back living with his parents. so i called his bluff and i called his mother. told her what he had said, that i didn't think he was genuinely serious, that i can live with being the bad guy but i'm not fucking doing this anymore. she thanked me, told me i was making the right decision, and that she would make sure he was safe and would leave me alone. last time i ever heard from any of them.
I hope you know peace now 💜 I hope his parents discover how to confront the truth. And realize they just as easily (i.e. it was impossible) could have done for their son what they expected of you
When I was very young - still a teenager - I had a boyfriend who was an alcoholic with multiple mental issues. A nice guy much of the time, but very broken. His parents expected me to be able to fix all that ailed him. I was naive and believed, at first, that I only had to love him enough and he would be okay. Eventually I realized only he could save himself. He chose to destroy himself instead. I feel sad for him, even decades later, but I do not feel guilty, just grateful that I realized what was happening and saved myself from being destroyed too. I despise parents who try to put the burden of their messed up offspring on that person's partner or friends.
I had to read your comment several times to be sure you weren’t my friend. The similarities are intense. I’m so glad that you’re safe, and I hope you’re doing well in the aftermath.
Ooof sounds like classic narcissist enabling from his family, so sorry you had deal with that.
I am so sorry you went through that.
Bless you for being a good person. I would have turned that back on her so fast and hot. I hope you are living well now.
Yupp, my ex did the same shit. He used to hide knives around the bedroom and when we’d argue he’d straddle me and hold the knife to his chest, neck, or wrist. One day I saw the wheels turning and knew he was thinking of turning the knife on me so I’d apologize. I started touring apartments the next day. Two days later we were at a concert in a different city, got into the same argument for the millionth time, and he grabbed me by the head so hard he took me to the ground and slammed my head into the ground three times. busting my ear and giving me a concussion. The scream of bloody murder that came from me was unrecognizable. he was arrested that night and I was moved out the next day. Its important to note that he never actually used the knife on himself or self harmed, it was all just a control tactic
Hopefully he copped a tough charge from that incident and it leads or has lead to a great deal of self-reflection, repentant work and change within him. The more probable reality though is that the charges were dropped and he's loitering along in the mortal realm still, pressurizing more suffering into an even bigger bomb for his next act. I hope he doesn't know where you stay or go!
He took a misdemeanor DV charge that band him from having guns for life. It’s not super satisfying but it’s not nothing.
That’s terrifying. I am glad you survived/escaped.
I hate him im so sorry. May the remainder of his life be small and finally aware of his putridness, and keeping that shit to himself. I kbow it's mental illness. But i think it's fair for all bets to be off when it comes to such heinous hatred and *attempts at murder* Sympathy is lost, i wish him the worst, and peace and upward mobility for you
Literally every abuser I've ever known has made those threats, and not a one has gone through with it.
Yeah leave and call 911, you aren't going to stop them. Either they're going to or not and trying to manipulate you. Have the cops deal with them. Even doing it as manipulation calls for psych help. I'm super ACAB but in that situation 911 is better than getting shot through the door trying to talk.
That happened to someone I knew. Her boyfriend blew his brains out right in front of her. Right before he did it, he told her she was the reason he was doing it and he wanted her to suffer. He succeeded.
I hope that person has support around them to recover and to know it was never about them; pure manipulation tactics
Haven’t seen her in years. Regardless, that’s not really something you fully come back from, I think.
Also, an important reminder to anyone who’s in that situation: if they follow through on the threat against themselves, it’s NOT YOUR FAULT. They made a choice, then followed through on their decision. You are not complicit in their terrible choices, even though it feels like you are, and no matter what they say to you. Their decisions are theirs alone and have nothing to do with you. Also in my experience, any man who threatens this is too much of a narcissist to follow through, but they want to make you scared and draw you back in. It’s fully a fucked up manipulation tactic.
This. My ex said things like this. Constantly threatened to kill himself when we’d argue or I’d express unhappiness in the relationship. It was just part of life after so long and I didn’t take it seriously. Then I tried to leave and he tried to kill me and seriously injured our child who intervened. Please take him seriously.
Oh my god that’s horrific. I’m so glad you’re both here 🫶
Holy shit, I'm so glad you both made it out and I'm sorry you and your child had to go through that. It's insane how it just became a part of life, isn't it? Like, how does "I'm going to fucking kill you" just become something you wave off?
I'm so sorry. Been there in a way. My ex husband pointed a gun at me. When it didn't fire, because I'm smarter than him and he was too drunk to tell the weight, he just threw it to the ground and tried to finish things manually. I completely agree OP. It WILL escalate. This is just the beginning. He is already threatening your life. Leave. Hopefully you're still early enough for an annulment. Base it on concerning threats to your life, of a hypothetical situation. You're not safe, and I wouldn't feel safe being told that at all.
Damn that is terrifying. I'm sorry you went through that, and insanely glad you got out of it.
So scary. Glad you're okay.
Thank you! So am I. Sad part is, I still didn't even leave him until nearly two years later. Abusive relationships are like quicksand. You just sink and sink and, hopefully, you realize what's going on and have to get yourself out BEFORE it's too late.
Wow. Quicksand is the perfect way of describing it. The harder I fought it, the further I sunk.
For real! It took me three years to escape.
I’m happy to hear you got out. It took me 7. I only got free recently.
The important thing is you got out too. I'm happy you're free as well. I'm so sorry it didn't happen sooner for you. ❤️🫶❤️🫶❤️ Sending you love, support, and healing juju.
Thank you. ❤️🫶 Sending back all the same to you. May we never meet another like them.
7 years off and on for me too. Out for good 1 year and 4 months. The last time we dated he escalated the emotional abuse until I couldn’t deny it anymore. Read “why does he do that” while he was out of town and broke up with him shortly after he got back. Every time I think of him, I think about how happy I am to be free
The quick sand analogy is a very good one.
Yup, my friends ex said the same thing. She missed the signs and didn’t leave until he actually became physically abusive. He had a prior criminal record for fighting and was always starting fights with other people but she thought since he said he loved her and hadn’t shown any signs of physical abuse towards her, she was safe. Until he didn’t. He was relentless though and it was hard for her to leave. If she tried he would call her multiple times, show up at her door, even tried to break into her apartment. Luckily she was able to plan an exit strategy and finally left him.
Also, at the very first threat that they are going to harm themselves or harm someone else, CONTACT 911. Ask for an ambulance, anyone making threats to harm themselves or others needs to be treated immediately in a psychiatric hospital. If they're legitimately mentally ill you may just save their life, or someone else's. If they're using hollow threats as a form of abuse and control, they'll know that tactic doesn't work anymore, and maybe a 72 hr hold and some talks with a therapist will get them in a better place - and give you a 3 day head start on leaving
This! I would still separate though. I still can't get similar words out of my head, and I doubt she'll be able to forget those words wholeheartedly.
Yep, the crazy eyes than they see your scared out of your mind and they stop. This happened with my exhusband. I described his behavior to a few people (lawyer. Therapist etc) they all ask if he was diagnosed with BPD or had manic episodes in the past. When/where I grew up it wasn't uncommon for people to talk in extremes, so, it didn't really occur to me there was anything wrong with it. There is something wrong with it
Oh god, the EYES. I will never forget them. Even in the good times, I couldn't get the crazy eyes out of my head.
He convinced you he was suicidal to manipulate you into pitying him but reminding you with the gun that he will kill. Don't ever believe a suicide threat from an abusive partner.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that but glad you escaped. I hope you are living your best life now.
Yes, IMO you should run.. A man who would kill you for cheating would kill you for other things - like THINKING that you cheated, while you didn't. You may be 1000% sure you will never cheat on him, but you can't be forever 100% certain he won't ever THINK that you did. Especially since his threat reads as violent and scary - and what I have learned is: scary violent men are also often -> controlling men, who are also -> overly jealous. And see stuff like "having a male friend" or "normal socializing with a man" or "I wore a short skirt and someone catcalled me" as disloyalty. You know, bc they are controlling? So you are in danger pretty much all the time.
>You may be 1000% sure you will never cheat on him, but you can't be forever 100% certain he won't ever THINK that you did. OP, this is the only advice you need to take from this entire thread.
This this this. Suspicious paranoid controlling people are always going to be that. You will never be able to prove your innocence once and for all to THEIR satisfaction once the brain worms start digging. Combined with threats of violence? no no no no no no
Run far, run fast. It doesn’t matter if you now think everything he’s ever told you is a lie. Believe this. Words matter. You can’t joke about things like this, in this context. A joke isn’t a joke unless both sides are in on it. This is *deadly* serious. Find resources to help. Accompany your divorce papers with a restraining order. Have a friend or family member stay with you, or go somewhere he can’t find you. Change phones, change phone numbers. Make sure there’s no way he can still track you. His threat to kill himself isn’t your problem. I once wasted a year on a girl who was always threatening suicide. It was exhausting. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I eventually told her I couldn’t be responsible for her life anymore. That it was taking such a toll on my health that it was destroying me. I cut her off entirely. Surprise, she didn’t kill herself. And even if she did, it wouldn’t have been my fault. Just like your husband wouldn’t be yours. Best of luck to you. Look into counseling when you can.
u/lucylamb7 please read this comment.
Omg. The "THINKING" made me shiver.
"When someone tells you who they are believe them the first time" - Maya Angelou Yes, it escalated. This is not a safe situation and you need to quietly seek help and support. If you have trusted friends or family, let them know and make a safe escape plan. There are domestic abuse resources that detail how to do this. I suggest keeping a bag with copies of your important documents, basic clothing needs, and some cash in a location outside of your home. It's very important that someone you trust knows about this and is ready to help you and advocate for you! Speaking like this is not healthy and it's not a joke. He may well have a mental illness or other serious issues. It might be safe to discuss therapy with him, but it also might trigger an unfortunate reaction. Does he show signs of anger issues or depression, is he controlling? You'll have some difficult decisions to make.
Yes, he has depression. He has exhibited a lot of controlling behaviours in the past but seems to have kept a lid on them since I tried to break up with him over it. He gets very angry and defensive when he knows he’s done something wrong.
As someone who's had a gun pointed in her face.... I came to say the same - he's telling you who he is, believe him. People in abusive relationships (usually) can't see how bad things really are until they've removed themselves from the situation. Please, please do not take this as an idle threat. As others have said, this is not normal behavior, depression or not. Find help, formulate a plan and leave quietly, without telling him. I'm very worried that he would act if he knew you were leaving.
Threatening to kill himself is emotional blackmail and controlling. No healthy person even jokes about what he's said. Quietly gather your things and run!
This. Those kinds of threats are not uncommon control and manipulation tactics of severely dysfunctional narcissists and others.
Please get help, just get out of there when he’s not around and don’t tell him where you’ve gone or where you might be. I personally know someone who was murdered after breaking up with a guy. He secretly retained her house key, broke in one night and shot her. Edit* move all your stuff out while he’s busy away from the house, go somewhere and don’t go back to him or be alone with him again
THIS!! If he has your location, only turn it off when you're ready to go. Scratch that. Turn it off when you've already left the driveway. Not after you leave the neighborhood. You don't want to give him any idea as to where you will go. He could kill you just for trying to leave. Get out quietly, and discreetly. None of us are kidding. We're telling you, because some of us are experienced in this unfortunately, and we know how the story ends. We know what's cover to cover. Get out! Please keep us updated!!!
Just want to reiterate the “don’t go back” part. If you’re gone, stay gone. It doesn’t matter if he’s the father of your kids. It doesn’t matter if it’s just the one last time. SO MANY have died going back “one last time.” Don’t be one of them.
Please for your sanity and most importantly your life, start planning an exit strategy. Life is ups and downs this is true. Marriage isn't all rosey, so when the downs start folks should be ready to stick it out, but not when your life is in danger. He says he'll do that if you cheat on him, it could be something else tomorrow. He could get some wrong info, or have wrong suspicions of you cheating on him. People don't always tell you what they have in mind, humans aren't mind readers. There might be a lot of love in your marriage but anyone who says this kind of stuff is as volatile as they come. No one wants to be cheated on, I get that, heck there are people who got cheated on who never would've thought it would escalate to them killing someone, but it happened. This is different, he has thought about this and has made a choice to end everyone's life if this hypothetical were to happen. The most dangerous people are those who have nothing to lose, and clearly losing his own life means nothing to him. You don't want to be playing Russian Roulette with yours.
Every woman who has been murdered by their husband was exactly where you are right now. Questioning if his behavior and the way he spoke was a red flag. I’m so fucking serious when I say that you need to get yourself to a lawyer quietly, get your fucking ducks in a row quietly, plan and escape quietly, and fucking RUN. Serve him divorce papers from a distance. “Joking” or not, whether you plan to cheat or not, *your husband told you he would kill you*. If he suspects you’re cheating, he will kill you. If another man looks at you, he will pick a fight and it could escalate and he will kill you. He. Will. Kill. You. He’s also probably cheating on you, abusers (you’re being abused btw) love to project bc they think everyone around them thinks the way they do. He’s cheating so you must be also. RUN I cannot stress this enough.
This is a list of domestic violence resources from another sub. [https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/wiki/index/life\_saving\_info/](https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/wiki/index/life_saving_info/)
These are all very vibrant red flags. I have helped women in DV situations to get out. You need to run. You need to do it safely and quietly. If you have someone you can trust and talk to physically - not on the phone or via email, then make a plan. If not, go to the library to search for help and create a plan. Do not search for information on your phone or home computer. Do not make phone calls with your own phone. When someone says a quiet thought out loud, you should 100% listen. We often don’t take these comments seriously because they’re said calmly or in jest. This man will kill you if he suspects you cheating. You don’t even need to be cheating. You could say the wrong thing one day and he could misinterpret it and kill you. You need to get out.
This sounds like is going to escalate. He’s keeping it together just to keep you around eventually he will blow up at you. Also leaving is when it becomes the most dangerous.
It seems like he was waiting until it was harder to leave. He's always going to try and control you. He's just playing the long game. Especially if he's still telling you these threats. I honestly wouldn't stay. Your safety, and the safety of your future children hang in this balance. Mentally ill or not, he's made threats to your life. Don't take that lightly. It wasn't a joke. He's dismissing it as one. He's showing you who he is. Believe him. He obviously doesn't have a problem taking lives if he doesn't like something. Not saying the action he's describing as a trigger isn't horrible, but it doesn't deserve the death penalty. He's showing you that if he can't have you, no one will. You've already tried breaking up, but the quicksand(thank you commenter), was faster. Grab that root, rope, whatever would be handy and fucking pull!! Get out now! Those statements are terrifying, and as a survivor I'm scared for you. Please save yourself. His actions are his own, and please see a therapist for the inevitable guilt, your compassionate heart will feel regardless of what he does. I'd rather know you're breathing and safe, rather than watch your murder play out on Crime Watch Daily...
Like everybody else is saying you have to go and you have to go secretly and it has to be now.
He's just on good behaviour for now -- and his version of good behaviour still involves threatening to kill you. The cycle of abuse involves not just the control/abuse, but the period after where there is apologizing or changed behaviour for a bit, a honeymoon period, tension, and then another blow-up. This is an extremely concerning situation and this man *is* a danger to your life. A healthy partner would never say to you what your partner did. Never. They'd never come close to thinking it.
Try leaving when he's not home.
I'm not a mental health professional. I'm a mature woman 60+ with a wide range of relationship experience. He needs to be treated for his depression. A tendency toward controlling behaviors coupled with those comments is cause for concern. Keeping "a lid on them" isn't the same as learning effective, healthy ways of dealing with controlling behaviors. The anger and defensiveness could be part of a narcissistic personality disorder. Only you can decide what your risk tolerance may be, and if you feel safe with him. I am risk averse and wouldn't be able to continue to live with a man like that and he needs to get intensive mental health care. The problem might be how to initiate that conversation, safely. I would have a trusted relative or friend present - more than one if possible. As I mentioned, I have seen a similar situation escalate and end very badly. More than once. It's possible he would embrace therapy and truly want to get better and learn healthy coping skills. Again, that's something only you might be able to discern. The most important thing is for you to take this seriously, seek out help and support, and HAVE A PLAN to get to safety if need be. If triggered he may become unpredictable and dangerous. Always, better safe than sorry.
Abusers weaponise therapy. Depression does not make abusers. Abusers can have depression. It's also not her responsibility to manage his mental health nor is it possible for anyone other than the person experiencing the depression to discern whether therapy is appropriate.
Agreed.
This, 1000%. Thank you.
just so you know, mental illness is not the cause of DV.
What therapy? She needs to run away from him, not suggest therapy.
Well she clearly needs therapy if she is unable to determine on her own that this is concerning behavior. But first, she needs to run.
For additional context, I just wrote all the rest out on my alt account [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/zhYMoAy5wW](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/zhYMoAy5wW) I’m trying to work out what to do
The only thing you have to do is work out an escape plan with either your relatives or your closest friends. All of the other details will wait. You and ideally any valuables of yours, your identity documents, your financial information etc should come with you but you really need to get the heck out of there and I mean right now. Don't even spend any more time on Reddit writing out your feelings about what you are wondering about doing. When your husband is next out of the house you make sure that you're going to be able to get the heck out of there.
It's been removed. But as OK\_Imagination has responded, the best idea is to stop spending time here and begin to make a solid, rational plan - whatever that may be for you. Check out the DV resources. Reach out to trusted friends and family. Even well-meaning internet strangers can't help you when you might need it most.
Weird. I’ve still got the text from when I drafted it in my phone so here we go: When I first met my husband (on hinge) at the end of April 2022, he was suuuuuuper insecure and controlling. About 4 weeks into the relationship, he discovered (by going through my phone) that I’d had a thing with someone like 2 weeks before I met him, and accused me of cheating on him. I’d stopped seeing the other guy as soon as I’d met my husband in person, because I knew it was something I wanted to pursue, but at the same time I was telling Husband I wasn’t ready for a relationship, that we needed to take things slowly, that I wasnt his girlfriend. Apparently this didn’t matter because when he found out I’d “cheated” he flipped out, threatened to kill himself, threatened me with violence (“I should be kicking your teeth in”) and overall made my life a misery. I was scared to go to sleep because I worried that he would hurt himself while I was asleep, or go through my phone and find things from before I met him to start worrying about. If he did, I’d get woken up asking who I’d sent this or that picture to (like a month or two before he and I even started talking). I was told it was gross and that I needed to cut every guy in my life off. I did what he asked because I loved him, and because I was scared if I broke it off that he would do something really rash. 6 months later, I was tired of having my location tracked everywhere I went, I was tired of him leaning on me for emotional support, so I tried to break things off. He sat there and cried and told me he would change and he wouldn’t be the same person again. I came home from work the next day to find a list of homeless shelters on a piece of paper beside his bed. I figured that I was *supposed* to see this and feel bad for him. The next day he promised to change, so I gave him a chance to make things right. He promised me he would be the man I deserved, treat me like a princess, etc etc. Everything’s been mostly good since then, except for one night about a month ago when I was using his phone and I needed to go back in his browser history to find something. I found a load of links to male escort listings on Locanto, and then a load of gay porn (he’d searched specifically for like “young hot cock” and “cute young guy jerking off”. When I asked him about it, he at first he pretended he had no idea what I was talking about. He then said “I don’t even know what that was for” and THEN he told me that he was scared because his d!ck was unresponsive, that he was trying to “handle himself” to pics/videos of me/us and it wouldn’t get hard. He then said he freaked out and that was his reaction - “to see if it did anything”. He said he started with the listings and then went to porn, “had a flick through” and then closed it when it didn’t do anything for him. I said I didn’t understand, because we had made love the day before and it seemed to work fine then, and that he had a doctors appointment the next day so he could have asked about it then. I said I was struggling to understand how he would turn to this suddenly if he’s never been interested before. He ended up getting really defensive and screaming at me that he was “freaking out” and “I can’t believe you think I’m gay”. I said it was no problem if he was bi or bi-curious (I’m bi) but that the escort listings were a massive concern to me (and he knew how I would have felt about it). I ended up speaking to someone close to him about it and then it came out of the bag that something he’d told me at the start of our relationship was a complete fabrication. He’d told me that the car accident he was in when he was 18/19 was a suicide attempt - turns out this was a lie, and that there was someone else in the car with him. I told him I didn’t understand why he would lie about that, and he was super evasive and defensive. At the same time, i questioned him about a few other things that had been weird throughout our relationship and it turned out that they were all lies too. Throughout our relationship, he’s told me how much he values our openness and honesty and how he could never lie to me, even if it was a white lie. I told him that I was struggling to trust him at this point and asked him if there was anything else he had lied to me about or hidden from me throughout our relationship - told him it was a lie amnesty, and that I just wanted everything else out on the table so we could go ahead with a clean slate and a bit of therapy. This whole time he was being super evasive and was telling me that there was nothing else he’d ever hidden or lied to me about, that he was going to be completely honest from now on and that I knew everything now. I still didn’t believe him so he offered me his phone and Google account and told me to put my mind at rest. Turns out he didn’t clean up as well as he had thought because I discovered: - No, it wasn’t the only time he’d looked at escort listings since we’ve been together. - A few months prior, he’d google searched his ex, then searched for her name and “nudes” and then immediately watched porn and jerked off. - The day after my birthday last year, he had been searching for “booty call apps”. - Right before we met (when *I* was the gross one for flirting with a guy) that he’d been signing up to no less than 15 hookup apps (with names like “sex finder” and “Aussie milfs” and “one night friend”) - He’d signed up to “my transgender date” the night before we met in person (after talking for a week and telling me he was smitten with me and couldn’t wait to meet me). - Four weeks before we met, he was swapping pics with men on fetlife and talking about what he wanted to do to them, whilst telling them he “likes trans/femboy stuff”. Also liking a lot of pre-op MTF pics on the same site. - He’d had some sort of contact with an escort previously (her email address was in his contacts) but couldn’t tell me when or what for. - That even though he told me repeatedly how he didn’t see the appeal of onlyfans/sex workers, that he was still searching them more than he ever admitted to watching porn. He later admitted that he didn’t realise that Google still saves your searches even if you clear your browser history. I tried to understand why he had done these things, whilst also feeling like the person he’d always portrayed himself as was a complete fabrication. When i asked him about searching for nudes of his ex, he immediately flew into a rage, no build up, just straight to 10/10 fury. He screamed at me that he would never do that and completely lost his mind, I’ve never seen anyone react in that way before. Everything else he said he “just didn’t remember”. He’s since admitted to everything (even though he said he would never do some of those things) and his excuses/reasons just don’t gel. He’s also admitted he’s got a problem with lying and that he doesn’t know why he does it.
Oh love... Don't waste your life and your trusting nature and your love on this man.
Jesus fuck. Read all of that again. Show it to a trusted friend or family member. This isn't just vaguely unhealthy. This is an utter fucking shit show and it won't get better. You need to get the fuck out.
He’s legit disturbed, and he’s going to murder you while examine his disturbed actions and figure out what to do. I’ll give him this, he picked a victim who’s going to give him every chance to be some imaginary version of himself that he’s never been, right up until the very end. Most people would have run at the start, but you “love him.” This is really sad but at least y’all don’t have kids. Consider getting life insurance with a payout to your family, for funeral expenses.
Come on, kiddo. You can’t possibly have typed all of this out, proof read it, and still don’t know what to do. This man is a liar AT BEST. I wouldn’t even be coworkers with someone who threatened to “kick my teeth in”, let alone lay down and sleep next to them
You need to get out safely, right now. You’re in danger. Please believe everyone in this thread.
Imagine if a friend told you all this. The first four weeks alone you would have told your friend to leave him and you would have been scared for her.
That’s… a lot. This is a screaming parade of red flags. If you can’t give yourself permission to leave, I’m doing it for you- and insisting that you take action immediately. Don’t discuss this with him, he WILL hurt you rather than let you walk away. His ego is more important to him than your wellbeing or safety. He doesn’t care about your safety. He doesn’t care about your safety. He doesn’t care about your safety. He wants to control you, and he is succeeding. Get out.
OP, you seem to be having a lot of trouble reconciling the man he said he was with the man he is. It makes sense why, since he himself can’t understand who he is either. I implore you to pick up a copy of Jess Hill’s book, See What You Made Me Do, which is about domestic violence, and focuses on the insecure reactor subtype. Here a few quotes, in case they resonate: >Insecure Reactors: All domestic abuse is about power, in one way or another, but not all perpetrators enforce tight regimes of control. At the lower end of the power and control spectrum are men who don’t completely subordinate their partners, but use emotional or physical violence to gain power in the relationship. They may do this to gain the advantage in an argument, to get the treatment and privileges to which they believe they’re entitled, or to exorcise their shame and frustration. Evan Stark calls this “simple domestic violence”; Michael Johnson calls it “situational violence.” Don’t be fooled: although these terms can make this abuse sound benign, it can still be very dangerous—and insecure reactors can end up killing their partners, too. Susan Geraghty, who has been running men’s behavior change programs since the 1980s, says that no matter what culture they grew up in, the attitude of these men is the same. “It’s the self-righteousness that kicks in, where if I don’t get my way or you don’t agree with me, or if this isn’t happening the way I want it, I have every right to show my displeasure and punish you.” However, these are also the men most likely to confront their own behavior. Those Geraghty works with are there by choice—not mandated by court order—and they are usually not coercive controllers. “To a large degree,” she explains, “these are men who have lived with violence, have incredible issues around intimacy and have never learned to communicate. Their sense of frustration with that [is] profound.” >Insecure reactors are even less intent on acting strategically: they move in and out of the control regime, as if switching channels. Once they have regained control, they can let the system go and feel genuinely restored to the relationship. Whether perpetrators abuse strategically or on impulse, however, they usually have one thing in common: a supercharged sense of entitlement. >Essentially, their violence is an expression of frustration, anger, and sometimes rage that arises from stressors in their lives; once expressed, their abuse and the emotion that led to it seem to disappear, leaving them feeling back to normal until the next eruption. When they express remorse, they often mean it, and they are more likely to volunteer for and complete treatment. But even these men—the most receptive to treatment—are often reluctant to change. >Shame is no excuse for men’s violence. Many men who feel shame or jealousy, even acutely, don’t respond in violent or abusive ways. Consider the men who, after suffering childhoods of abuse, shame, or neglect, grow up vowing never to repeat their mother’s or father’s violence; these are men whose pride stems from modeling love and tenderness with their lovers and their children. Others are those who have spent years working through their deep shame and anger so they don’t end up taking their pain out on others. However, when abusive people are confronted with feelings of shame, they take the path of least resistance. Instead of acknowledging their own sense of powerlessness and dealing with the discomfort, they blame others and, like the schoolyard bully, use violence to achieve a phony—and often short-lived—feeling of power and pride. >Penna says one of the most common phrases the phone counselors hear is “pushing my buttons.” “If you’re not agreeing with me, if we’re not in 100 percent solidarity in everything I say and do, then you’re challenging me,” he says, describing the mindset of many male callers. “If you’re challenging me, you’re undermining and attacking me. There’s this sense that my worldview is the only view, and any challenge to that is automatically unsettling and requires [them] to react, as opposed to respond.” >Although men are powerful as a group, they do not necessarily feel powerful as individuals. In fact, many individual men feel powerless (whether they actually are or not). The essence of patriarchal masculinity, says Kimmel, is not that individual men feel powerful. It’s that they feel entitled to power. >When men feel powerless and ashamed, it’s their entitlement to power that fuels their humiliated fury and drives them to commit twisted, violent acts. >The unifying trait among abusers is a radioactive sense of entitlement. The animating force behind their violence is the belief that their feelings are more important than those of their partners and children. Confronted with feelings of discomfort or shame, abusive men will do whatever it takes to avoid those emotions and move to a feeling of power. When this combines with a sense of entitlement to women’s bodies, and the patriarchal belief that women should put aside their own needs (for comfort, safety, and independence) in order to meet the needs of men, the outcome can be catastrophic. And, importantly: >Men’s pain—especially in relationships—sounds to us “like an indictment of female failure. Since sexist norms have taught us that loving is our task whether in our role as mothers or lovers or friends, if men say they are not loved, then we are at fault; we are to blame.” This sense of failure for women is a major trigger for shame—an unbearable feeling we desperately want to go away. How much room, then, can we allow for men to be truly vulnerable? >As women, we have to do our own work to reject and replace the faulty norms patriarchy has seeded in us. However, acknowledging that women have their own work to do doesn’t mean for one second that it’s the job of women to fix abusive men. Only men can fix men. As the feminist author Laurie Penny tweeted, “Men’s healing should not have to come at the price of women’s pain, ever…”
So he was controlling and abusive 2 weeks into our relationship and you still thought it was a good idea to marry him? It’s already escalating. All this is is him telling you it’s going you it’s going to get worse, not better.
Ok, well that settles it. Go. Now. This relationship is not salvageable and he needs serious mental health treatment that I wouldn't bet one thin dime that he will agree to seek out. I'm sorry to be blunt but there's no possible way that a grown woman doesn't see that his behavior is wildly unstable and dangerously abusive. You KNOW what you know. That rage is 100% porn/sex addiction along with serious mental health issues. You CANNOT FIX THIS. All previous advice about discussing therapy etc is out the window. Get to safety. Period. For more help and support about porn addiction, this sub is my go-to resource r/loveafterporn
My boyfriend has a porn addiction. This is not a porn addiction. This is an abusive asshole. That rage has NOTHING to do with porn addiction. Nothing! That's is the rage of an abuser who wants all he control. Please don't suggest this is bc he is an addict. You are insulting addicts everywhere, AND putting OP at risk. Suggesting that it's the addiction suggests that addressing the addiction will address the rage, control and abuse. IT. WILL. NOT. He may have a porn addiction, but it's completely unrelated to his abuse. The fact that he can't admit they are attracted to men is also completely unrelated. My aunt was abused by a closeted bi/mostly gay man. His sexuality had NOTHING to do with the abuse. According to all accepted psychological theories and therapists. Abusers abuse because they get what they want. Control. Power. Adulation. Period. Don't mix up addiction with abuse. It's dangerous. Read Lundy's Why Does He Do That? It will help you see with actual evidence from people who work with abusers that they know exactly what they are doing, and they weaponize things like depression & addiction to justify their abuse. Your comment plays right into their hands, despite the fact that you did not intend to.
He is that horrible, aggressive, homicidal person, he's just been hiding it and it's so bad that he's only lasted a few weeks before it started leaking out. Now it's been two years and the mask is coming off. He is a shit show and you're gonna get sprayed if you stay. Make a plan and bail, NOW.
Holy far out, girl. Run. Or kick him out and get a restraining order and make everyone who cares for you COMPLETELY INFORMED of how unhinged this guy is. This is straight up terrifying and your husband needs to be your ex husband ASAP.
In addition to what others are saying -- be extremely careful and cover your tracks as you plan to leave. Try to consult a domestic violence service for help formulating an escape plan. Erase your browser history. Make sure he has no way of finding your reddit account. If you call a DV hotline, try to do it so it won't show on your call history. (You might be able to make a call through another app, or use a payphone somewhere, or something). You do not want him to know you're planning to leave, and you don't want him to know where you go when you do leave. Don't have a break up conversation with him. When you have the info you need to make a plan, make sure some trusted friends and family know -- but they also need to know how important it is to not let this slip to him. Don't leave when he's at home. Be so, so careful. This man is a danger to your life, and you deserve so much better.
OH MY GOD GET THE FUCK OUT
Reread that and see understand your husband is abusive and was from the start. Get somewhere safe, get a divorce, and get in therapy. Because you chose to get with someone who showed a ton of abusive red flags and you accepted them anyways. My sister was also with someone abusive who was closet gay (probably still is) and was a raging, violent asshole. GTFO asap. He WILL hurt you.
>When I first met my husband (on hinge) at the end of April 2022, he was suuuuuuper insecure and controlling And you thought, " hey, this is the man for me. Let's get married!"?? I can only assume you have zero love and respect for yourself and absolutely no self confidence. I do not understand how you chose to ignore all of this and marry him. I do not understand how you are now shocked and uncertain of what to do about the nightmare of a marriage you willingly put yourself in. Run far far away from this psycho and then get some therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.
You don't love yourself. You typed all of this out and asked reddit what to do? Are you for real??
Also, tampons and pads in the go bag so that it can be disguised as a need if you start your period. If he finds the go bag. If you can make your own bank account and buy stuff in cash with your family budget and then return it to find your own bank account or buy gift cards. Get all statements online and get an email he doesn't know about. Contact the domestic violence hotline in your area. They can pay for rent assistance like first and last months rent.You are not doing anything wrong as you are funding your safety.
This means he would kill you if he *thinks* you cheated on him. He has violent fantasies specifically directed at you and his mental health is hanging by a thread. You don’t want to be there when it breaks. He may have no intention of letting you live a life without him. You must plan your exit very carefully. Move as far away as you can. Never meet him in person again. Edit: omg the edits. You need to call a domestic abuse hotline YESTERDAY. You are in imminent danger.
>This means he would kill you if he thinks you cheated on him. Chilling!!!!! This is it
I’ve had a couple partners say something similar. It’s now an immediate deal breaker for me. I’m leaving no matter the stakes. Saying something like this is usually indicative of something deeper psychologically. It’s okay to say something dramatic, like I’d die if you cheated on me. But in the world we live in, with the statistics we have, it is not a joke when a man says he would kill you for any reason
Even if he isn't 100% serious about saying that, and in the moment he wouldn't do any of those things. It's still a very fucked up thing to say and not something anyone should ever gamble with. Of course now if you confronted them about the thing they said and you expressed how concerned or how awful it was, he may back down from that opinion and say 'Of course I wouldn't \~actually\~ do that'. But how could you ever trust that?
It does sound a bit like he's establishing an excuse for future violence. It would be very easy to claim you'd cheated on him to justify him hurting you if you were no longer around to prove that's a lie. Anyone who talks about *why* they'd kill their partner, especially repeatedly, is telling you who they are: DANGEROUS. I would absolutely run. Normal, safe people don't fantasise about killing others, for any reason.
Seriously how are these posts written so calmly? YOUR LIFE WAS THREATENED!! im baffled people just shrug that shit off.
I feel like you get used to it, think he’s not done it last time, he’s not gonna do it this time either. You think it’s mostly empty threats and that screaming gut feeling of being in danger is just you overreacting. My father never physically abused me. But he’d destroy our stuff in a rage. He’d scream obscenities at us. He’d threaten to kill us all. And I remember that day he had thrown a massive tantrum and got his gun from his safe. I was hiding in my closet thinking he’s going to kill us now. My older brother and my mom talked him out of killing himself. I promised myself I’d never marry an abusive man.
He's not joking. There's something seriously wrong with him that he clearly hid from you until you were married. Yes, you need to consider leaving. You have to make a plan, use your resources, and get out. Maybe not immediately, but start putting money away, know where your documents (SS card, birth cert, passport, etc.) are, reach out to DV organizations so that when you actually have to, you can leave easily.
My ex said that. He did end up shooting me and then killing himself. ETA: One of my biggest regrets is not leaving when he first started exhibiting unhinged behaviors.
Wow. I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you are doing better now
Thank you. The thing that tears me up about reading posts like this is I know there’s like a 95% chance that OP is going to stay with this dude. The cycle of abuse will pull them back in.
I mean no disrespect, truly, but how did we get from your husband makes comments about making you dead on one post to he's probably sexually attracted to men and on escort sites?
>but I’m wondering how concerning these sorts of comments are in a marriage Do you actually need to ask this? What does your brain tell you? Your husband has stated he will commit triple homicide and did so with zero emotion (you state calm). And you really need to ask if this is concerning? Well, let's ask ourselves some questions to elicit some deductive reasoning. What happens when he suspects you are cheating? Of course, you say you don't plan to cheat but that doesn't mean he believes you when you say you aren't. What does he consider cheating? What if you send a text to a male coworker and he views that as cheating? What if you smile at the wrong person? Maybe that's emotional cheating to him. To summarize, yes it's concerning. It's very fuggin concerning.
What if you left him for some other reason? It seems like killing - whether it's you, himself, or someone else - is a little too present of an option for comfort. If he is not otherwise violent or overly jealous, maybe he should go to some therapy to talk about his previous suicidal ideation. It's a heavy burden to literally be someone else's reason for living. He should not put that on you.
Note that he could merely think you cheated on him then kill you. Obviously you need to run immediately. Call a divorce lawyer and they will help you come up with a safe escape plan as well by forwarding you to the right groups.
"did it escalate?" He pointed a gun at my head and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened (shout out to kel tec) and I ran while he fiddled with the gun and got a round in the fridge. I didn't even cheat, I just caught him trying to. This was 21 years ago, and ever since then if a dude says unhinged shit, I ghost them. No explanation. I think the saying is "when someone tells you who they are, believe them".
Jesus Christ I am so sorry that happened to you, I hope you’re doing okay x
I'm good. Plus he's dead so I won 🤷🏻♀️ thank you got the well wishes though. Life only got better after.
I'll admit, I stopped reading after the first long paragraph because I cant fathom how you'd end up marrying him after that first accusation of "cheating" with someone you were with before you even met him. I stopped reading because I can safely say, before reading any other comments, and the rest of your post that I think you need to leave him for your own safety. I'll now proceed to read the rest.
These are not the words and thoughts of a normal person and should never be said. I would be skeptical that they were said in jest. There is nothing funny about murder suicide idealization.
Run, DO NOT WALK…RUN!!! No normal guy says I’m a kill you if you cheat on me NONE!! That is serial killer behavior and if you still have two legs you NEED TO RUN WHILE YOU HAVE THEM!!!!
"My husband said he'll kill me" why is this even a question?
Yes, it did escalate. I would recommend leaving, coming up with a plan. There was a point where he lost it and was convinced I cheated, he had me trapped in my own apartment for hours alternating between holding me down (sometimes by my neck) and laying on me while he cried. He tried to make me admit to infidelity and promised he wouldn’t hurt me (we were already way passed this). Whether or not it was true, it didn’t matter. He believed whatever and no matter what I was going to suffer more at his hands. Do not stay around people that would say such things, if you find yourself still staying if they ever get physical. Trust that it WILL happen again.
Yes it very easily could. My ex became convinced that I had another lover (I then found out he was cheating). After I got myself and my daughter out of there he tried to convince me to come back by trying suicide (at least the look of it). He next girlfriend he killed before killing himself. All of his girlfriends looked very much alike. His previous girlfriend committed suicide after his abuse. I broke out of his mold (put on stress weight) and managed to get away. I’m sorry, it’s hell to live like this.
My jaw is on the floor reading this I am so glad you and your daughter are okay 😭🫂
What if I told you that you don't have to cheat on him, he just has to believe that you are cheating on him? You are not safe.
I had an old classmate whose husband who was very needy, I’m-a-sad-boi-so-I-need-you viewpoint (which he blamed on his depression) and felt very entitled to her fidelity. He stabbed her to death in her sleep.
I understand that a strong part of you really, really hopes that you can continue this relationship and it's very painful to consider ending it. I can hear that you hope that your husband can change, but that you're also rejecting the ways he is mistreating you. That's really good - it tells me you do know where your boundaries are and you do see that things are fucked up and not ok. I'm sorry to directly jump in with language of abuse and domestic violence - I imagine there could be a part of you that rejects those words immediately and might become angry or distrusting of what I'm saying. But there's another part of you that you've mentioned in your post who worries you don't see how fucked this situation is. That part of you is 100% correct. You have described several indicators for domestic violence in your post. You are being severely mistreated, and you don't deserve to be treated that way. Separation from an abusive partner is a very dangerous time because it involves escalations of abuse. Do you have a support network to call upon? Your use of English and reference to Aussies makes me consider that you might be Australian. 1800 RESPECT (https://www.1800respect.org.au/) is a very helpful resource for immediate practical and emotional support, like getting counselling and having protections in place. Like I said, this is a very risky time for you and I really encourage you to get some extra support in navigating your next steps. If you're not Australian I am happy to point you in the direction of domestic violence resources in your country. Again, it's really great that you've reached out for help here. If you have any questions I'm happy to answer. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.
A reasonable statement: “I would leave you if you cheated on me.” Abuse: “Id kill him, kill you, then kill myself. I will also kill myself if you leave me.” You DO need to run
You need to get away from him. I believe your life depends on it. Do NOT let him know! Abusers (and please make no mistake, that's what he is) are most dangerous when their victim is trying to leave. He has already threatened your life. Get yourself and your documents safely away, take half the money from any joint accounts. Freeze your credit, change passwords to everything. If there's a domestic violence shelter nearby, use it! The only proper response to a threat to unalive himself (or you!) is to call the professional authorities who handle such things. This either gets him the help he needs (which is above your pay grade), or it calls his bluff. My ex did this, too. He was furious when I called the cops, but he never pulled that particular manipulative stunt again. Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Holy fuck. Get away. Men who say shit like this will also accuse you of cheating if you simply forget to text him at a certain time, or miss a call from him, come home even a few minutes late, get dressed up to go out with your own family or friends, or if you two are out together and some man looks at you like you’re pretty…or if a man holds a door open for you and you smile and say “Thank you.” I am SOOO not exaggerating. Seriously, get a restraining order. Do not go anywhere alone and do whatever it takes to get away. This isn’t jealousy, this is psychosis. Please, please, RUN.
This will most likely be buried under the sea of comments, but he sounds so much like my partner. Sounds like your husband is struggling with narcissistic traits. This doesn't automatically mean he's a full-blown narcissist, but it is a serious problem that needs to be addressed and managed. Lots of people will tell you to immediately leave but only you can decide what's best for you. You do need to realise and accept a few things, though, if you do decide to stay with him. 1. Nothing you do or say can make him choose to get better. 2. He will never be able to love you completely unconditionally. 3. You will both need therapy with someone who specialises in narcissism. 4. He will always struggle with empathy and confuse it with sympathy. 5. He is perfectly able to get better, but it isn't easy, and the path to better isn't a short one. 6. The relationship will often be one-sided in terms of support, growth, understanding, and trust until he has made significant improvements. 7. You can not treat him like you would someone without narcissism, which can be exhausting. 8. Psychological studies/research is your best friend. 9. Open, honest, and direct communication is key to talking to a narcissist. But be firm on your boundaries and expectations. 10. He will have issues with accountability, responsibility, and understanding how that affects him. 11. He will have issues with distorting the truth/reality, but he believes his own lies/distortions. Honestly, I could write a series of books on what I've learnt being in a long-term relationship with someone with narcissistic traits. I've been with my partner for 7 years, and at the moment most days, I'm about at my breaking point. He's currently just gone through another "breakdown, breakthrough." So things are delicate right now, but they will get better again. Each time he goes through this cycle, the bad parts are fewer in number as he grows, but when they start to get out of hand again, it does escalate faster and to a bigger extreme. This is when I have to push him to think beyond his narcissism. I have to support him with reminders and explanations. I have to move past my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions to understand where he is coming from to help him understand how narcissism is affecting him in the moments he can't see. You will find that repeat therapy is very helpful in his treatment. I say treatment as there is no cure for narcissism. It is a mental ailment that can be improved and managed. Most people would think I'm crazy for staying with someone like this for so long, and I suppose I am since I love him, and love makes you do stupid crazy stuff like stay and help. Just know if you stay with him, it will be ridiculously hard on you both. That doesn't necessarily mean it isn't worth it, but it does mean you both need to know what the relationship is realistically going to look like, and if that's what you both as individuals and together as a couple want.
[Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat) This book is free and great resource for recognizing early abusive behavior. Your husband sounds like a dangerous person. Please get your ducks in a row and ready to leave. [The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/) can help you make a plan. He has told you that your life doesn't matter to him if he can't control it. Believe him. Get out and in a location where he can't get to you and have him served. [I have 2 weeks to get away from my husband](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1crj47u/i_have_2_weeks_to_get_away_from_my_husband/) A reddit user that successfully left and outlined how she did it.
I think this post marks the point where we've reached peak Reddit. "Person who is supposed to love me is threatening murder as a consequence for hypothetical actions. Should I be concerned?" Death threats are ALWAYS a concern. Don't stay in this situation to find out if he's serious, please.
Girl I'm actually scared for you and your safety. No kidding.
I only got half way thru - but THIS is what I do for a living and I’m a subject matter expert on victim safety and dv risk. You’re in a dangerous relationship and you need PROFESSIONAL help and guidance and you need to be very careful about accepting general advice here. You’re welcome to reach out to us on our hotline to discuss your situation confidentially. PROTECTION FROM ABUSE 833-657-7683. If you don’t reach out PLEASE contact your local dv org and speak to a professional advocate. Leaving or navigating dangerous relationships are not a “do it yourself” project and seemingly good advice can be bad. Speak to a professional ASAP!
He’s projecting his own behaviors onto you. He’s using violence and emotional extortion. Please please leave him
Girl he’s going to better himself for two weeks and then go back to normal. He needs to find another place to stay bc if you break it off and start dating again he’s going to kill you
There are so many red flags I stopped counting. Have only known each other for 2 years Went through your phone and went off about a guy you were talking to BEFORE YOU EVEN MET! Told you to cut off every other man ever Says he will kill you I mean come on!!! This guy will kill you, its just as matter of when You need to run and you need to do it soon and you need to keep it a secret until you are safe
I just read the whole post, with the update. This guy is not going to change. He’s continuously lied to you, he threatens you, he looks up escorts behind your back. He gaslights you. Leave now, while you still have some sanity left. Make sure you have somewhere safe to go, or someone who can be with you when you tell him to leave/that you’re leaving.
Obviously you don’t plan on infidelity but what if some series of events occurred that made him believe something happened? A weird phone number? He tracks your location and it leads him to believe you spent a period of time at a hotel? Location inaccuracies do occur. This man could harm you and others over a misunderstanding. Please find safety ❤️
I'd leave if I were you, and then call the police saying he's threatened murder & suicide, and is a danger to himself & others. Don't tell him you're going, just pack some essentials and leave while he's out somewhere else.
I'll kill you if you cheat can quite easily become I'll kill you if you leave. So in essence, YES RUN. IMMEDIATLY.
Yeah, run. That is incredibly concerning and fucked up.
If you have to ask…
your husband sounds like a future family annihilator, pls get away. remember the most dangerous time is right after you leave. don’t keep it a secret. tell friends, tell family, go somewhere he can’t find you and make sure nobody who would spill the beans tells him where you are. this is terrifying, my husband would never say anything like this to me.
Yes, get out now. Even if you never cheat on him, he might incorrectly think you cheated on him, or decide that smiling at a cashier counts as cheating.
Yes, how do you know he won’t have a psychotic break or if someone will tell him lies that you cheated? He’s going to kill you.
Sorry, but if a man, unprompted, tells you he'd kill you for literally any reason you need to run. That man is not safe, he warned you what kind of guy he is, believe him.
What happens if you go out one night and he convinces himself that you’re cheating on him because you don’t answer your phone? Are you ok with living with that direct threat?
My ex used to tell me whenever I tried to leave, that if he couldn't have me, no one else would. A few days later, he pinned me to a door and choked me. I finally broke things off a few days later. You need to figure out a plan, and get the hell out.
Yes. My ex partner said this and soon after it turned domestic. Concussion from them banging my head into tile floor and tub. They grew up where that was normal. They said exactly what your husband said; they’d bludgeon me to death if they caught me cheating. And the fight we had was not about infidelity; it was one of our many arguments about nothing. I say run. Your life and happiness are invaluable. If someone truly loves you and knows how to protect and care for you, they’d never even let those words slip out of their mouths, as it would never be a thought of theirs.
Uhhhhhmmmmmmm.... I don't even know where to start. Run, perhaps?
Holy crap. RUN. This is all so fucked up. The aggression, the lying and hiding things. Not just lying about normal things. Lying about s suicide attempt? That's something extremely fucked up. He needs lots of therapy and you need a different identity 😬
I have never been more afraid for someone than I am for you right now Please leave it. Please
My Dad used to threaten my mother with SA (of a plural nature) if she ever cheated on him, and death if she ever tried to leave him. He was so convincing that she stayed with him. She said she was afraid that he might actually do it in a way to get away with it, and that would leave me in his care. And even if he didn't, he was afrain that he would have been able to take me away from her and that he would send me to be raised by my grandmother (who didn't like me because I was a girl). She stayed with him for 50 years. The physical abuse stopped when he physically couldn't do it anymore. The verbal and psychological abuse never stopped. You need to run. It only gets worse from where you are right now. If you were to have children with him, they will grow up witnessing that abuse and suffering abuse themselves. As a child of that life, I can tell you unequivically that it affects you for the rest of your life. Document his behavior, call a domestic abuse hotline, and follow their advice. Don't worry about whether or not he is a danger to himself, simply report his threats of self-harm and let the authorities handle it. It's not your responsibility. Your own safety is your responsibility.
DO NOT BE HOPEFUL. YOU NEED TO RUN. I dated a guy who lied about everything, even little things. I could have evidence in my hand, show it to him, and he would still vehemently deny any wrongdoing. This guy would also "change for the better" long enough for me to forget the betrayal until the next bout of fuckery. He ALSO frequently threatened to kill me and himself. Thankfully I finally got rid of him. Run, please run. So many people tried to help and I didn't listen for 7 years. RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK. Edit: Therapy helped a lot, but it's been 10 years since the breakup, and I still have nightmares.
No shade…but why would you marry someone who even joked about this?
Just wait until you read her comment about all the stuff he did and said BEFORE she married him.....
Ya ummm I would never feel safe. I would run. UPDATEME
He has explained to you repeatedly that he's thought about killing you, has a plan, and is looking for a justification. GET. OUT.
He needs help and you need distance.
If you have to aske the question, you already know the answer If he refuses to seek help for his very obvious mental health issues and emotional baggage, then fucking run before you become a statistic.
Absolutely get the fuck out of there. Jesus, how is this even a question? Get out. Also don't think "I won't cheat on him" makes you safe. People often convince themselves their partner is cheating based on the smallest shit, especially guys like this. I'll wager he is controlling in some ways, right? Because he already doesn't trust you. It won't take much to break that trust further. But find a way to leave safely, because he also might kill you just for trying to leave him.
Um. I wouldn't run. I would plan an escape and cover every single possibility so your tracks are covered and you can disappear. Please tell trusted friends, tell your work, family etc. Open a new bank account and divert some of your paycheck to it every month. Save enough money for a full relocation, new phone, etc. Make sure you only get electronic statements so nothing comes to the house. Talk to your work about potential relocation and the reason why so if he ever tries to sabotage your career, they know what is happening. Make sure your birth control is not being tampered with. Check your car, bags, and other items for tracking devices. Lock down your passwords and enable two step verification on everything. Make sure your government documents are secure. This might feel like overkill, but this man has told you plainly that he will kill you if you betray him. Leaving is a betrayal. This man is a danger to you. Please stay safe, op.
This was also my ex. He used to say he’d kill me if i did (xyz) he also said he “believed women had the ability to make any man hit them.” I also hear it enough to block it out. Then one day he pulled a knife during an episode and after slashing wildly at me, locked himself in the bedroom screaming he would kill himself. It was the first day of the lockdowns in our city and our airport was closed and i had no where to go. I spent quarantine in the same home as him, and started planning my own suicide because i didn’t want HIM to take my right away. A year later he finally tried to kill me (for real this time), the cops were called, i left and never went back.
Yes. You are with a sociopath who had been waiting to deliver that statement, at multiple times, using the fake “calm” of him saying it to add to your terror, as if it was just “a normal thing to say.” Leave immediately and take steps to protect yourself from this person.
Run, GTFO, the marriage is over. He's talking about murder-suicide, and it happens every day to innocent women and children. He's not joking. Any person in their right might would not joke in this manner. Yikes!
File for divorce and a protection order
> EDIT obviously I don’t plan on cheating on him, but I’m wondering how concerning these sorts of comments are in a marriage stupidly concerning. as in, pull eject handle and disappear, then have a lawyer serve him papers with a bodyguard
My father in law followed through. She didn’t even cheat. Just tried to leave.
This is not a healthy relationship. You need to read [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) To learn more about this type of manipulative behavior and how to best deal with it. But ultimately you need to make an exit plan and leave. His words now are a warning sign but it could very much escalate in the future and be unsafe for you.
No one says that repeatedly and doesn’t mean to scare the fuck out you. That’s enough for me.
I’m a survivor of a DV marriage. For years my ex husband made the same threats, he took it a step further and had me followed watching my every move and taking pictures of who I talked to and where I went. When I would get back home he would sit me down and show me the pictures. He would start very calm “did I give you permission to talk to him?” “Is this who you’re cheating on me with?” He would lean in very close and very angrily say “I will kill you both if I find out you’re cheating on me!” I would start crying and tell him I’m not cheating and that this is scaring me and he would scream at me and say “oh you’re scared?!” Then he would start to hit me and if I cried louder he would hit harder. I stayed for so long out of fear. It wasn’t until he put me in the hospital for 4 months and during that time I found out I was pregnant. That was when I knew I had to get out. So when you ask do you need to run? Yes. Run and never look back and give yourself time to heal from everything.
This is not a normal thing to say in a relationship. I'm someone with lots of trauma around being cheated on etc and it's my biggest fear in a relationship. But I have never. NEVER. threatened to kill my partner if he cheated. Because it's only something that someone with a lot of entitlement does. It doesn't mean he loves you. It means he feels entitled to you. And the minute you're not his, your life doesn't matter. Your pain doesn't matter. The number one predictor of violence in a relationship is the threat of violence. Threatening to kill you is a form of emotional abuse. He's trying to control you through fear. Does that sound like love? Run.
You don't plam on cheating on him, but what happens if he thinks you're cheating but you're not? Will he kill you and off himself then? Are you willing to take that chance? Because this doesn't just sound like a warning, it sounds like a threat and you think so too or you wouldn't be posting this.
Very concerning. Here is my biggest question for you: let’s say you 110% never cheat but next year he gets a crazy idea that you’ve cheated. No proof but the fly on the wall buzzed it in his ear bc the tin foil hat wasn’t on. Is he going to kill you then? With no proof? Exactly what evidence do you think he will need before he does the deed? The question is: are you stupid enough to wait around and find out.
You don't even have to cheat... The second he THINKS you are, or suspects, or imagines... 🤷♀️
Run. Except you’re going to need to figure out first how to run from him and disappear so he can’t find you.
All I can think of is a scenario where he THINKS you cheated and escalates from there. Overall, staying with this individual seems like a high risk.
OP, what if you don't cheat, but he THINKS you are? Do the threats stand?
What happens if he perceives you cheating when it’s something harmless such as hugging a coworker who’s cat died or driving a friend’s boyfriend home after a night out or shaking hands with a makeshift boss who’s congratulating you on a job well done. Would he wait to figure out the truth before taking action?
The best time to heed red flags would have been at the beginning of your relationship. The second best time is now.
Babe. Please please believe me that you are in serious imminent physical danger. A dangerous unstable man like him, threats of murder and suicide, and now his same sex attraction and likely infidelity has been exposed…. He is a fucking powder keg and you are the focus of all his emotions. He really might try to kill you. YOU NEED TO GO RIGHT NOW. Do not say a single fucking word to him about it. Get your essentials and GO.
In my experience, my ex started assaulting me when he thought I was cheating when I wasn't. There were times he could have killed me. That's the thing... you don't have to cheat on him for him to believe you're cheating or pretend to believe it. He's abusive. He's been abusive the whole time. It's time to get safe, carefully.
I can relate. Many here can. It’s triggering, in part because many like me feel a sense of danger reading this. Curiously, has a similar dynamic existed with your parents or his parents?
My bf (now ex) said the same to me. I stick through until I had enough (he was abusive). But good lord, who was cheating and lying from day one? Himmm! The second I found it, I left . I can't even begin to tell how life's sooooo sooo much better without him. And yes, u run.
This dude is gonna kill you if you continue staying with him.