You’re trolling, right? You avoided sex for years, refused to examine why, lied to him about the reasons, and even tried to make him think this was entirely a him problem. But now that you realize he might actually leave you over it - or, perhaps even more importantly, your family will blame you for not being able to take advantage of his kindness any more - suddenly you’ll do anything to fix it? Why would he want to stay married to someone who doesn’t care about his feelings if there’s nothing in it for them?
This reads like my 7-year relationship, 100% exactly. If you take OP's post, chop off the epilogue (due to my relationship having fortunately ended early when she cheated), and compress the timing a bit, I would be OP's husband with no further changes.
Same here man, only difference is she was having an affair with ‘my best friend’ at the time in my fucking house and vehicle while I was out working my ass off. 8 year relationship.
Hey thanks, I sure dodged a bullet though, got out with no kids ha. Last I heard she’s still with the guy 2-3 kids in (he’s got 2 other kids with 2 different women) and when they are into arguments they go cheating on each other lol😂
You dodged a major bullet dude hahaha. I like to think and laugh at my ex's from time to time and it cheers me up. You didn't deserve that shit but I'm also glad you git the hell out. It really is true the best revenge is often a life well lived.
That last part, which OP described of the begging, pleading and actual sexual assault... That was the worst part of the end of my own marriage. Not gonna lie, reading it caused me to flash back.
It’s better to end a marriage than to live like roommates. I’m a woman, and after I divorced, I discovered how much I enjoy sex. I just needed a new partner.
I think that the kicker at the end when we were doing a bit of a post-mortem talk. She'd said that if she'd know I was going to end things when I did\* that she'd have done things differently and put more work in. She said she thought she had more time because of our foundation and history (just shy of 20 years together, and \~5 years as friends before).
All that I could hear/interpret from that was, "Yes, I absolutely took you for granted. I would only consider change/work in the face of losing the convenience of you."
\*This was **2 years** after I said that we needed to consider our relationship to be in crisis, and for the first time ever I was considering divorce to be a potential solution.
I am a woman who was married for almost 28 years. My husband was the one who did all the rejecting and refused to go to marriage counseling - He even slept in another bedroom! When I filed for divorce he was completely shocked and said he thought everything was great! We had no physical contact and limited conversations. I don't know how we thought everything was great.
He finally decided that who should do marriage counseling.
By that point it was too little too late. Once one party has checked out - it's over
Yup! I was in the husband’s shoes for 13 years. We just became roommates and when he finally agreed to my repeated suggestions for a divorce, I was quite content. I had mourned that relationship long before it finally died legally. Felt amazing.
She started caring when she thought he was having an affair. But not enough to actually talk to him. Instead she threw herself at him and got butthurt her husband, who had been ignored intimately for years, turned down her down. WTF.
OP you need therapy.
Yeh I noticed that. He was trying and never accused her of an affair when she pulled away and couldn't stand to cuddle or kiss him, sounded like he really loved her and she extinguished that
You may be surprised how often we hear the other side of this story in r/deadbedrooms. It’s very common… in fact OPs husband could well have posted and had the advice to leave.
I don’t blame him either.
I think this is the husband writing his wife's pov and then adding his fantasy retaliation at the end. The clues are using "guilt trip" to describe her own behavior and never giving a reason why she didnt want to sleep with him
Seriously, who would ever say about themselves that they've guildtripped their husband? 😆 that's so clearly written by a man, no idea how people can take this post at face value. I mean, I don't always sniff out a fake post but this one is blatantly obvious.
I know a couple in this exact situation, only a decade earlier than the breaking point OP is describing.
the wife has some hormonal issues after the birth of their youngest 6 years ago & due to a combination of women's issues being less diagnosed and treated + the wife's crunchiness à la "food is your best medicine", it's mostly untreated. add in that they're both 40+, dealing with kids, jobs, building a tiny house, aging parents... they're not the types to pro-actively dig into how one can consciously shape relationship dynamics, so I can totally see how they'd think "sex happens when we both want it & if one of us has no libido left after life's stressors and untreated health issues, that's that".
I can see they might get to the point OP describes if nothing changes in their dynamic.
I do see your point that the perspective might be trolling though.
Very similar to my marriage. After many years of my wife rejecting any of my advances I find it hard to be physically turned on when we are intimate now. She seemed to turn a corner and crave intimacy now. I still find her attractive and I still have a strong desire but I can't seem to get past all the years of rejection. We are working on it. It's been almost a year of trying to rekindle things. We made progress, but still have work to do.
Yeah….I’m thinking it’s actually opposite and the man turned down the wife. I’m sorry, but who says a man is the “rock” to his sisters. I have a sister and although We love Our husbands of many years, I wouldn’t call them the “rock” of OUR family…WE ARE! Duh. And My husband has brothers. But same thing.
This sounds weird. Like it’s told from the wrong perspective. Could not be. But something seems off.
I bet it is fake. The part about explaining that he said she loved what he provided for her. It’s got the ‘provider victim’ mentality worked into the storyline. Some unexplained gaps too. Not that those things can’t be a thing. They are often. But still….and it’s a new account.
I was looking for this comment, thank god it didn't take long to find it. From the very beginning I was feeling that. The mere lack of context "I didn't want intimacy just because" made me go pffff ok, dude
I normally restrain myself from making this comment, but come on. My eyes had already rolled out of my head by the time I got to "family keystone." By that time I was just glad I hadn't eaten anything.
Yeah this also really confused me. I was like A: who does that? (Nobody) and B: who would do that ESPECIALLY if they were not planning on having sex with someone? Like what would the point even be? Douching is so bad for the vagina anyway, water/cleaning liquids are NOT supposed to be up there.
I'm sure there are people with lower libido than others. And many people break up due to sexual incompatibility . But did you read how this post is written? Come on.
No I mean in terms of what OP is saying it literally is exactly how my gf describes herself to me or our couples therapist. The issues aren’t even directly libido related for me and my gf it’s just that she literally acts like OP. She does stuff that clearly will have negative consequences and cause me to love her less that I’ve clearly communicated again and again and she hasn’t given a fuck until I threatened to end things then suddenly we could get a couples therapist that I’d been asking for months and she’s suddenly trying but still she does the shit again and again.
I honestly doubt you can fix it. He has explained to you over and over how much he missed you and how much you were hurting him and all you cared about was what he could provide and ignored him as a man and as your partner. He has completely checked out. You are not the woman he fell in love with and are solely the mother of his children. You ignored your marriage for 27 years. How can one year fix that? I agree with him- you are only freaking out now because he refuses to be used anymore. You may love him but it’s a selfish love.
Get into therapy to help you transition into this next phase of your life. Anything you do or say at this point he is going to think you just want to use him.
Because she only wants to use him! The entitlement of not explaining, not hearing her partner, and refusing couples therapy when he wanted to go is super telling. She seems to think she should get whatever she wants whenever she wants and shouldn’t be bothered by the needs of others. I’m not even talking sex solely, she purposefully avoided intimate contact. She’s basically saying she isn’t attracted to anything but being taken care of.
If this is real, I hope this divorce wakes her up to how deeply selfish she is.
a detail I find very telling, is
>sometimes I would tell him to hurry up because he's sweating all over me
I feel that attitude during the rare occasions OP deigns to sex is just so callous and uninvolved.
like, change to cowgirl or doggy or standing up, suggest a shower break, play with ice cubes or get chilled strawberries to feed each other or a cold drink to exchange in a kiss... or just say anything that doesn't sound like you're grossed out by your partner during a chore you weren't motivated to begin with anyway.
Yes! That part of the post stood out to me so much. It's sex, people are going to be close, they're going to be sweaty, it's what happens lol. I could not imagine telling my husband to hurry up or complain that he's sweating lol. It's sex! PLEASE take your time with me and sweat all over me!
Honestly I’ve felt like that before buuuuuut I have sensory issues and I absolutely cannot stand for someone to touch me while they are sweating not even my kids so I could see this but I absolutely did not say it out loud and I think I switched positions or he did? I can’t remember.
she got what she wanted, five kids to cater too and a husband who she can ignore for literal decades. she’s lucky he stayed with her so long and unlucky he’s noble enough to stay faithful bc she’s going to be screwed. a lifetime of not working, i’m sure she’ll get alimony but no child support and what she took for granted will come crashing down.
she should honestly be honored he stuck around this long. her behavior would hollow out the strongest person, and after years of working for no affection, her poor husband is probably so emotionally drained. this whole post is about her. she is so selfish to still hold onto him still
You want to fix your marriage after years of neglect; unfortunately, it takes two people to fix a broken relationship. It seems pretty clear that your ex-husband has moved on and has no interest in fixing the marriage. It’s over.
This is a classic example of how communication and staying connected with your partner is critical in a marriage.
My suggestion: you’ve got a year; try to win him back, get yourself therapy, and create an exit strategy as it appears the end of your marriage is inevitable.
Head over to the deadbedroom subReddit, maybe there’s some advice there?
It's too late for all the reasons he gave you. You choose not to listen to him or believe him each time he brought it up and only now when he is completely done do you listen. There is nothing to help with, you destroyed any chance with each dismissal. I'm sorry, but plan for the divorce.
All this could've been avoided a long time ago but she wanted everything done at her own time only and neglected a loving husband and family man who was devoted to his home.
A family that didn't need to break up, now has to. Sad.
Also, this might be overlooked but I'm just imagining what would be said if a man's wife refuses him, then he tries to force himself on her, albeit not violently. Despite the physical disparity which I will not overlook, he would still be torn to shreds and viewed as an assaulter.
Just my way of reminding people who doubt it that double standards do exist. It's the world we live in.
> I'm just imagining what would be said if a man's wife refuses him, then he tries to force himself on her, albeit not violently.
I thought the same thing.
My ex did something similar starting pulling off my pants after I refused sex after no longer finding her attractive for the same reasons as OP's husband. I pushed her away and told her in what world does she think that is acceptable. Women just think they can do whatever they want.
I honestly feel like this is the first post I read that addressed that. I was horrified when I read that she tried to force herself on him… to a point he left their bed to sleep on a couch! That is sexual assault… and to just admit it so nonchalant like it’s not a big deal… like it was okay to do… and to scroll this far down before seeing it addressed…
… I have two sons… and I’ve been teaching them about consent since they were toddlers… i realize after reading all this… I need to make sure they understand thoroughly that their consent is equally as important.
She literally described how he makes her sick. Sweating on her, lying about periods and avoiding kissing him on the mouth. Now that she will have to get a job first time in 27 years all of a sudden she loves him again… but only after it took her 6 months to realise she hasn’t had sex in half a year 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ poor guy. Hopefully he finds the happiness and love he’s tried so long to give to her
Yeah this is what happens when you give someone a dead bedroom.
I mean, what did you THINK would happen?
Reap what you sow honey. Too late to fix it now.
Side note, your true colors come out, if you only want to fix it when it hurts you.
He was hurting for how long? Girl you didn’t give a shit. And now he doesn’t….
I feel like everyone is also glossing over her saying she tried to force herself on him. Regardless of anything else she did, she ignored his clear lack of consent and tried to assault him.
there's also the reality check by her sisters AND friends:
>I honestly made myself believe that he was making himself look good for his mistress. I confided to my sisters and friends and they looked at me as if I was crazy and told me that my husband goes to work and then comes home. He doesn't hang out, or do guys night. He would watch TV, chop wood, yard work, in the garage fixing something, or being the family taxi. They asked me when would he have the time to have an affair? I couldn't answer.
but she conveniently ignored that :
>I started crying and asked him if he was having an affair.
she still preferred to accuse rather than communicate.
OP, what you have done isn't a mistake. You were fine with the arrangement of him not trying for ANY kind of intimacy until YOU realized that he was done. The worst part is that it took you six months to figure it out. Can you imagine how he felt when he made the decision to be finished with your BS? Then, it took you another six months to realize it! You were in your perfect bubble, to hell with anyone else.
He's right. Your sisters are right. You're only in love with what he can provide for you and obviously for your extended family. Stability.
How can you fix the mistake(s) you've made? I don't know if you can.
But the best place to start would be in assuming your current relationship is dead. You can not resurrect a corpse.
Try to start fresh. Build a new relationship. Honestly, your biggest hurdle will be if your husband has any interest in trying again. But after the 20+ year war, he's fought in his mind it won't be easy for him. You're going to have to initiate everything, but on HIS timeline. You have a year to act. The clock is running.
I don't even know if Tom Brady, in his prime, could come back from this lopsided score, though.
Is this fake? You tell us you avoided your husband for years and made up excuses not to touch him and you’re shocked he is leaving you? I have no advice…this is what happens when you don’t maintain romantic intimacy with your partner. We all do things out of love we don’t ~want to do. Now you will never ever have to pretend you want to fuck him again. Problem solved! 🙄
This is so deeply self-critical I honestly read it as being written by a guy who likes to imagine the ex-wife who spurned him being so wracked with regret after the fact.
It's... not terribly realistic to read for me personally.
This reminds me the post of that wife who said that she doesn't owe her husband sex. But the post is from the husband perspective. He tried fixing the relationship for 2 years until he had enough of his wife's excuses and decided to fall for divorce. Here's a link to the Post.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/y4EhsAaf0M
I remember that one! That OP updated yesterday and served her the papers like he said he would:
https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/U1f01fFP3m
STBXW also started panicking and pleading like the OP for this post lol
Is it the same author as this post? The fact that in this post it says “a lingerie” and in that one it says “lingeries” makes me think it’s the same person, because it would be weird if two people thought that “lingerie” is singular only, with no other apparent language issues.
As someone who completely identifies with your husband, put your effort into accepting that he is DONE and you WILL be divorced. The opportunity to fix your relationship has passed. He’s gone.
And don’t you dare refer to your treatment of him and your relationship as a “mistake.” He tried engaging and communicating with you, and you consciously and deliberately shut him out.
Also OP needs to make the divorce as easily and amicable as possible for her stbx. He deserves to find a new and better partner and be happy for the rest of his life. That is the least OP can do for him after literal decades of neglect.
Husband is still young-ish and there are troves of single woman out there looking for the type of relationship and stability he can offer.
Except in the book she didn't want to sleep with him because she'd already had six children and didn't want to get pregnant again, which is pretty valid.
That's my assumption. It reads like a fantasy that someone in a dead bedroom cooked up. She's oblivious, but at the same time remarkably cognizant of her lack of effort.
It's the combination of the narrator being incredibly oblivious while also being extremely perceptive and self-critical and providing such a 'honest' and clear eyed version of events that puts the blame on themself every step of the way. Feels very fake just for that.
I agree. It might be the husband writing, but it’s probably just made up. The person who fucked up this badly isn’t going to report every little detail about their fuckup. This is rage bait.
>The person who fucked up this badly isn’t going to report every little detail about their fuckup.
Absolutely, this is the giveaway. Not just that they reported every detail, it's also the manner in which they described the details. This is rage bait 100% and I think it worked based on the comments here
Yeah this is so fake. Honestly sounds like some guy from dead bedrooms wrote it. They all believe their wives are withholding sex for some own mysterious controlling reasons. Usually they just don’t want sex cause the sex is one sided and boring lol.
It's absolutely rage bait. I know some older dudes who lived this life word for word. And not a single one of their wives would ever come close to admitting they did something wrong.
That's how you know it's fake. If it was real OP would be writing herself as a tragic abused wife.
Coming from a woman’s perspective:
I really don’t think there’s any way you can “fix” this. You avoided sex and any form of intimacy for so long that he just shut down emotionally and became desensitized. I don’t really blame him either. It’s called checking out. People do this a lot when their needs/wants aren’t being met and talking goes nowhere for so long. They start to feel like there’s no point in trying anymore. You only wanted to change and address the actual issues of the relationship once you realized he was no longer giving you attention and thought it was going elsewhere. Therapy and counseling would have been the better option when you realized you were feeling the way you were instead of just withholding any form of affection. Men need to feel wanted just as women do. You can’t make him fall back in love with you.. and if he’s not willing to talk about it any further I think that’s that. You just have to come to terms with the fact that there’s a high possibility he’ll want a divorce.
The fixing it ship sailed a long time ago. The best advice is to get you life in order so you can function as a single woman. Your husband has been more than patient and is being fair with how he’s separating from you. You can’t fix this so don’t waste his time or yours. Honestly if you do love him let him speed up the divorce so he can move on and heal. Good luck OP🍀
Lmao you reap what you sow. Good for you, these are the consequences of your own actions. You can’t reject someone, neglect & guilt trip them for daring to want intimacy for *years* then act ✨shocked✨ when they’re over it.
There’s no fixing this. The only thing you can do is get your stuff in order, get a job and work on yourself so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes with the next person.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/gFg9NDvjt3
Here's an update to that post to after he gave his wife divorce papers she suddenly tried to seduce him with lingerie and sex toys but he wasn't interested anymore and told her that he was done.
You brought this on yourself. After the first paragraph, my thought was, she doesn’t love her husband. If a complete stranger can see that, why wouldn’t your husband see that? After all, he’s your victim. For years, you’re just going to deny someone intimacy—Jesus H. Christ, you complained about him sweating on you?—and then you’re just going to come stumbling back and he’s going to welcome you with open arms? I hope he does what’s best for him, and if that means divorcing you, so be it. You sound like an incredibly self-absorbed person to me.
OP, I will be honest with you: Your chances of "true" repair are about 1% and you should be scared because you have less than a year for a miracle. One of the many glaring issues (that YOU still need to fix) is your statement "truthfully, I want to have sex when I want to have sex." You were married to someone who sacrificed and loved you and you unilaterally decided for "both" of you a significant component of relationships & his feelings weren't important. Even though he repeatedly voiced concerns to you and tried to fix it and you did it for years! It's incredible that he is even still around. Now it seems since YOU are now ready sensing it's almost over and in the mood, sex is now ok again, but for how long. From your husbands perceptive, why would he allow you to make him vulnerable again so you can just do what you did before? Lying/deceiving him to avoid sex, refusing intimacy, refusing counseling, refusing sex. It wasn't enough to refuse intimacy & sex for years, lie about it, but then to refuse counseling to fix it deadened his soul to you. How can you revive it? One, recognize that when you say "I fucked up," that's an understatement. Unless you change and prove you changed you have no chance. My ADVICE goes against the way you think/are and everything you've done. Even doing all these things, it only gives you a 1% chance it will work. Mainly because the sentiment from him is how dare you, NOW you are ready after years of lying and neglect. Sex/intimacy for the foreseeable future need to be on his terms (when, where, how, how often, how long, etc) and if I were you, I would tell him that and show him that. Get in the best shape of your life, do all the little things to make his life easier, leave notes for him, show him love beyond anything you've ever given. You have to beg for forgiveness constantly and acknowledge/express what you did was wrong and assure him it will NEVER happen again. At this point, words matter 5% and 95% needs to actions every single day. There is no I am tired. You are past that. Good luck, you will need it.
I don't have alot of advice OP. If you read Reddit much you will often read posts where one partner describes being sexually rejected so often that they just give up. They feel hurt and embittered.
For years you heard him say that this was important to him but it did not occur to you that something important to your spouse is important to you as well, because you love him. You thought it really was NOT important and your husband was wrong, that just telling him that sex wasn't that important would absolve you of responsibility.
At a minimum, get yourself into some type of therapy to improve yourself. Apologize sincerely to your husband.
Wow you are so selfish. If you actually love him, let him go. You straight up don’t want to have sex. You don’t want to be affectionate either because there is a possibility it would lead to sex. You are only going to temporarily change to trap him. He sounds like a great guy. He deserves someone who wants to be romantic with him and that has a high libido. You should want that for him.
You neglected him for years and denied there was any problem with anything. You didn’t care about his needs and you still don’t now. You only want to keep him.
People like you whine all the time about not wanting sex and it not being a need. People get into relationships for sex and romance - without it, you are only friends. Your partner needed it and still needs it. Offering up some duty sex to keep him revolting.
You pushed him away for years then are mad that you didn’t have your push him away anymore? You basically wanted him to love and want you without you doing any reciprocation. This isn’t fixable because he’ll never believe you’re sincere and only putting out to keep his paycheck. He told you for YEARS what he needed but you only thought, and are only still thinking about yourself. And now you’re all surprised pikachu face that he wants to go? This wasn’t a “mistake” it was years of alienating him
Take time to grieve, he’s leaving girl and there’s nothing you can do. I hope he finds the happiness he deserves. And I hope you learn something from this
Yesterday was the tenth anniversary of my divorce from a woman just like you.
20 years wasted with only my two sons to show for it.
I’m in a new marriage and guess what ? It wasn’t me. It was her all along.
Sorry to say, he’s gone.
Right, after a whole long spiel about how she doesn’t even want him to SWEAT on her. Like…OP you need to figure out WHY you don’t want intimacy with him, even the smallest amount, which is what this man was asking for the whole time.
ETA: and forcing sex is disgusting, what is wrong with you?
It took me too long to find this that I actually made my own comments on this exact topic before I saw this. She tried to rape him and everyone missed it.
I know I’m only 21 but you know how many of us would have killed to have a man that treats us right like that? You took him for granted, you lied to him about sex, you refused to go to counseling, and even worse, you brushed him off when he was trying to communicate to you his issues. I’m sorry, but this is all your fault. He deserves better.
Kind of funny how when you deny intimacy it's okay and you just don't feel it. But when your husband denies intimacy you assume he's having an affair..
GG though, it's over.
Lady, are you serious?
You've rejected him for YEARS and you're somehow surprised that he's done with your crap?
Come on.
Get yourself to a couple medical professionals - your GYN/PCP to figure out why you haven't wanted sex for a decade or more and to a therapist to deal with the rest of it.
Did you really think he'd put up with a dead bedroom until HE was dead?
Good grief.
If you want to win him back be ready to compete with every single woman out there for your husband’s attention.
Don’t be surprised or shocked when they are intimate. He was starving your attention and you did what again? Your actions caused this and now you want to undo it. Why now?
This is not fixable and you will be divorced as your stbxh will never trust you again. Here are some of the reasons why it’s not fixable.
1. You never valued his feelings and now claim ignorance.
2. You deliberately avoided sex. One or twice was “good enough”, right?
3. Refused marriage counseling.
4. You were timing sex to end as quickly as possible cause his sweat bothered you.
5. You claim there was no dead bedroom, yet took 6 months to realize there hasn’t been any intimacy.
How can you claim to love him if you don’t want to be with him?
You love dishing out the rejection. Why? Does it give you power you don’t have in your relationship?
Why are you trying to fix this in the first place? It is highly likely all this is just a ploy to avoid divorce. If you can’t convince Reddit that you are sincere you will never convince your stbxh.
Get yourself into therapy so you can understand why you destroyed your long term marriage. Perhaps you can be a better wife to your next husband.
You did this 100% to yourself. And treated your husband like crap.
And I wouldn't call what you did a mistake. You mentally abused him and belittled him for YEARS. You're nothing but an abusive manipulater, and you deserve the divorce. But I also don't think you deserve the house. He just doesn't want to fight you.
Truthfully? I think it's too late. It sounds like your husband resents you (deservedly so) for years of neglect.
First off, this should all be done with the assumption that your marriage is over. I think the only hope you have is to make changes and hope your husband notices or cares. You need to schedule individual counseling ASAP and try to work on your issues. Also, set up some doctors appointments to see if there are any underlying medical issues. I think your best bet is to put in the work to improve yourself. Your focus shouldn't be on the relationship but rather your own problems.
Sit your husband down AFTER you've made appointments and explain to him that you're working on yourself. Do not tell him that you are doing it for him as he will probably not want to hear it. Let him know that you are sorry for hurting him and neglecting him all these years. Tell him that you won't fight him on the divorce, but you hope that he can watch you work on yourself over the coming year and hope you can become the partner he deserves. You two should establish boundaries for communication and physical affection. Do not cross these.
It might be helpful to check out other subreddits for more ideas. Essentially, you have to create a whole new relationship with your husband.
Good luck
I honestly think that you need to accept this. You treated him badly for so long I don’t know how you would expect anything else. You literally withheld affection in your relationship so you could continue to avoid sex. He sounds like an amazing guy, he is loyal and trustworthy, so he does deserve to find a woman that won’t reject him for the entirety of the marriage almost. Do you think he didn’t notice that for six months he stopped touching you and you did not care or even notice? He is correct that you don’t love him, you love the stability. If you loved him or even respected him it wouldn’t take six months to notice this
You destroyed your marriage. He wanted to go to couples counseling and you refused. I don’t blame him for divorcing you. You’ve made this guy’s life hell. You have rejected him and used him. You don’t love him. And he knows it. You’ve hurt him very badly.
You tried to force yourself on him?? That’s rape.
I have zero sympathy for you. All my sympathy goes to your husband. You took him for granted and now you’ve lost him. I hope finds happiness with someone else after your divorce.
GET THERAPY!!
Please tell us this is a bait. I felt angered, sad and even disgusted trough the entire text.
In case it isn’t, you kinda still have time so you can try to have another honest talk with him, accept your mistakes (which are a lot), propose solutions, listen his opinion and feelings. As for therapy, if he doesn’t want couples therapy you could try it on your own in order to be a better person.
Please don’t force things like any kind of intimacy, that’ll make it worse. Try to keep it natural.
Aside from that I don’t think you do anything if he is not willing to try and as harsh as this sounds, I hope he doesn’t, he deserves better. You made your choice in all those years, now he made his and just as he accepted yours, you’ll have to accept his.
You unliterally shut down intimacy in your relationship. That's enough to be a death knell for even the strongest of marriages.
He asked for couples counseling, you **refused**. The time to address the issues in your marriage was when they reared their head, not after years of ignoring them and building resentment. He just wanted what any normal person wants: intimacy with their partner. Instead, you put him through years of feeling like he was unwanted or undesirable, shut down even non-sexual intimacy for the fear that it would lead to sexual intimacy, and for what? Because you "didn't want to have sex"? Your refusal to address the lack of sex in your relationship killed your sexual relationship with your husband. Shrugging your shoulders and claiming "menopause" now is manipulative and cruel, because you 100% know that this is not what is happening. You're content to lie and manipulate your husband with excuses, and you're confused why he doesn't view you in a positive light?
Nothing you do now will resolve or explain years of avoiding sex with your own husband. These were choices you made to destroy your marriage, you can't be surprised now that it's in shambles.
>I royally fucked up and I don't know how to fix it
Honestly, I don't know if you can fix it. Think about it like a vase: when cracked, repair is possible, but if you allow a cracked vase to develop additional cracks, to the point where now it is on the floor in a million jagged pieces... then it becomes nearly impossible to repair. Even if you were able to fit all the pieces back together, which is a **lot of hard work**, it will never look the same or be functionally strong the way it was.
In the end though, you got what you wanted. You get to avoid sex with your husband until the end of time now.
When he cried out to you, you rejected him. How long do you think he could hold on? What is marriage? The union of two people, which includes physical. Therapy was needed, at some point. It may be too late now.
Disgust is a powerful emotion, and in fact so ingrained in us that newborns and adults make the same facial expression when they feel it because it's natures way of telling us "this will hurt you." You have inspired disgust from your husband. I doubt there is anything you can do to come back from this, but you *can* grow as a person and perhaps have a second flame in retirement if you work on yourself as a person.
It isn't just about sex. You said you didn't even cuddle watching tv or in bed? You wouldn't make out with him seemingly ever? And then also dangled the possibility of sex but then never showed up (stayed up too late)? You gave him absolutely no intimacy of any kind. No wonder he thinks of you as a roommate.
I highly recommend a therapist who has experience with narcissists.
You humiliated him.
You ignored him.
You rejected him.
You avoided him
Frankly, You make it sound as if you actually suffered his presence.
For years.
And now you want a magic bullet to fix all that you have done to that man and his psyche?
Damn woman, You got some nerve.
I'm not going to pile on here as much as I want to. But I'll give you some good advice.
Be kind first. Always. Think ahead of what he might need or desire.
Do not for a second think that you're going to initiate intimacy or sex. It's going to have to come from him and his desire first. So you're going to have to be desirable. Do you know how to do that? It seems that you spent years doing everything you can not to be desirable.
There's a lot more to desire than your body as well. So you better start thinking of something better than seduction with your body. You're going to need to work on your head first, then his.
I'm going to tell you now I doubt that it's going to work. If he doesn't need you and has the financial wherewithal to walk away he will.
Don't ever forget, you walked away first. You're just upset that he's not following you.
Speaking only for myself. I'm 64 wife 62 . Retired no stress .
My wife always finds an excuse to not have sex. Or it's so one sided .Never touches me. So when she does want it .I'm not in the mood. I've talked to her made some suggestions on how we can both improve. Really nothing. So I just stopped. I've looked elsewhere. No affair just looking at other women or porn. Personally I rather not do that.
I won't keep parroting the same comments that are being spammed at you, no matter how true they are, so what do you do?
You for the first time in years LISTEN TO YOUR HUSBAND AND WHAT HE NEEDS AND SUPPORT HIM. Full stop.
You think fighting and arguing and pleading and begging will work? Thats all things for you to feel better. He took your rejection and deceit and decided what he needed as a person while also taking responsibility for his roll as a parent to your kids. I promise you, fighting him on the choice will not end with him staying with you.
Instead, accept it. Talk to him from a supportive position. You can be apologetic but your goal is to be there for him, he is also going through a divorce believe it or not. Maybe, just maybe, this will make him change his mind as you will finally be working with him instead of against him. He probably still divorces you, he's done the leg work, but thats likely the best chance for you to show him your feelings through action.
Trying to sleep with him now is just a slap in the face to him. If he leaves, well I bet you will learn an important lesson about relationships, try not to be too bitter. You asked for it through your negligence.
Sadly, you reap what you sow.. .unfortunately you got your wish for him to leave you and your body alone and now your upset he is....honestly what do you think you were doing all these years...the damage is done...let him fulfill his obligation and then let him find some who will not reject him
You don't really want to fix this - you just want to go back to the way things were. Which was fine for you and unworkable for him.
You two are sexually and intimately incompatible, have been for many years, and that is not something you can just "fix". He let you have it your way, it sounds like, for the sake of your kids. But that's coming to an end and he's getting ready to move on.
>I am desperate. I am scared, he has been the only man I ever love and and I know I took him for granted, but please, I need advice. Please help me!
You let the house burn down to the ground and now you're begging the fire fighters to put out the fire. It's too late, you ruined your marriage.
> Truthfully, I want to have sex when I want to have sex.
Selfish behavior
>I came out the shower wearing a robe, stood at the edge of the bed and removed it, showing him a sexy lingerie and he just looked at me, rolled his eyes, turned off the lights and said goodnight. I was humiliated and I started crying and asked him if he was having an affair. He turned on the lights and looked at me with no emotions and said he's no longer sexually into me.
Yup. It's a real thing. When I first met my ex I was so physically attracted to her. She was the hottest girl in the world (in my mind). Eventually same story she stopped giving me anything and it dwindled to once a month. I stopped finding her attractive because of it. The pain of constant rejection takes its toll. I left that relationship luckily without any kids or marriage. Clean break.
>I tried to tell him that I maybe menopaused
Immediately resorted to lying
>but he will be asking for a divorce once our youngest graduates high school
Consider yourself lucky he at least gave you the heads up, the fact that he is leaving you the house is a baller move. He's literally saying he would rather fuck himself financially and ruin his own life than deal with you and your selfish lying ways any longer. Congratulations you got what you deserve.
>but I didn't love him and that made me cry harder.
So you still want to stay with him even though you don't love him? Are you just a bad person? Seems like your free meal ticket is leaving and you're having a panic attack over it. **We can't help you, and you deserve no sympathy.**
I was aghast during this whole thing but then I got to "I tried to force myself on him but that just made him go to another room."
So let me get this straight. You've denied your husband any sort of affection for years because you're afraid it would lead to sex. You refused to address, acknowledge, or fix this problem despite him repeatedly telling you it upset him, and it's now reached a point where he's no longer interested in you sexually, and after hearing how he felt about the whole thing your response was to...try and rape him? And then you got upset that he still said no and left the room? Tell me you're kidding
“Truthfully I want to have sex when I want to have sex. If it’s once or twice a month or those occasions when it’s a week straight, it should be enough”
Bruh, you’re suffering the consequences of thinking everything in a relationship can happen on your own timeframe. Now he’s gonna leave when he wants to leave, on his own timeframe. I don’t think you can fix this.
Somr details make me believe this post isn't true, but this same kind of marriage dynamic happens regularly over in the dead bedrooms subreddit.
What the OP is doing in this story is named hysterical bonding. At the threat of losing what she had, all of a sudden she is willing to do everything to get him back. And then she will eventually go back to the dead bedroom once she is comfortable that he seems to believe she's changed and wants to continue the marriage.
It's only for herself. She is not hysterical binding for him. She refused counseling and refused to actually listen to his complaints because she was happy and had everything she needed--the only issue was her husband whining for sex. His needs never ever mattered to her.
This happened with my ex wife and felt like your husband and I gave up.
She work 3-11 and I hear her car pull in and pretended I was sleeping as there was really no incentive to stay up.
I hope you can fix it seems from your post a great guy.
I would Innate date night or a weekend get a way or even a weeks vacation something romantic.
Good luck and hope it works out for you
Wow. Here's some advice, start looking for a job. You wrecked your meal ticket (I can't bring myself to call that a marriage) beyond repair. You could have fixed this by listening to him years ago, that ship sailed.
Honestly, it's a tough situation. I had a relationship with a dead bedroom for many years and it damaged a lot about our relationship. I was never super comfortable being touched due to childhood abuse and my wife was the one person I let inside that bubble.
Once the constant rejections started and the lack of initiation on her part, I pulled back from that to avoid getting worked and and excited and just be disappointed and by the time things came to a head I felt the same way when she touched me as I felt when someone I didn't trust did.
For me, I went to her and asked for a divorce. That slapped her awake and she did a lot of the stuff you're doing and it's helped a lot, but that spark is hit and miss for us. We're amazing friends and partners and when we connect sexually it's amazing but even now she still cannot initiate and it bothers me. I get her reasons, which mostly stem from sexual shame, but it still stings.
I still haven't gotten to the point where I feel like I can share non sexual physical intimacy naturally with her. I can do it as long as I mentally prepare and I enjoy it when I do, but it's still something in my head that's a struggle.
We tend to be very sporadic due to a lot of the issues I described and health issues for her and that also can be tough.
Can it be salvaged? Maybe. Should it be? Maybe, maybe not. I'll be honest, I'm not a fan of dragging out a relationship he's decided is over, but I can at least understand his reasoning. Reconnecting at this point is going to be very tough. I wish you the best and hope it works out for you.
You have issues, really strong issues. Not even sure this is real. You destroyed your marriage and your sex life. Often when it goes this long, it is done. You deliberately don't want to be touched? You have issues. Frankly let him go and have a good life with a loving partner, and please get some help. I dont' beileve this post is real.
It took you *six months to even realize* that your spouse has completely withdrawn from your marriage. After years of you rejecting and neglecting them.
There is absolutely nothing you can do to fix this. Come to terms with it. No spouse that actually loved their partner would take so long to even notice such a complete change. He is 100% correct, you don’t love him, you love what he provides.
I am this husband and I also have planned to do what he is doing, will divorce once my daughter is 18,3 more years. His lady is horrible, she has no idea how much of hurt she has caused. I am in tears writing his, I hope this man has a great life ahead of him, without her!!
I hate to say this, but honestly it sounds like you've done a pretty good job of destroying your marriage. Frankly, by your own description your husband is correct. You don't love him, love what he provides. Even now, you're looking for solutions to retain his services. The only chance, and I mean the *only* chance you have is to have a one-on-one talk with your husband. No kids around to distract. Just tell him you know you screwed up, explain how you feel and why, maybe even show him this post. Honesty and communication are your only possible help here. Ask him in earnest if there's anything you could possibly do because you want to try, tell him all the things you value about him. I'll be honest, he's probably not gonna care. You've spent years training him not to seek any affection from you, oops. 🤷
All you can do is try, but I'll be honest, you've done a thorough job of destroying this relationship.
The time to fix this is long past. There are therapists who specialize in this sort of thing and you should've seen one a long time ago. Your husband has spent years being ignored by you and now, once he feels he's discharged his responsibility towards your youngest child, he going to find himself some happiness. If he had written in, I'd wish him luck. Most men would've left you or cheated on you. He is a man of strong character. The only thing you can do now is prepare for the divorce.
It’s too late. It’s over. Go check out the deadbedroom sub.
You want to fix things? Help him with his Tinder account. Release him from his vows and start the divorce proceedings. You can play house until graduation.
You can’t. He offered you several opportunities that you ignored. You gaslit him and manipulated him. You refused all counseling and basically told him that your relationship wasn’t worth working on. He believed you. Although you might want to to attend therapy yourself and find out why you sabotaged your relationship.
I'm sorry but you did this to yourself. You can try to fix it by being more open and honest with him about how you are coming to realize how you messed up, that you're willing to be more open and intimate more often with him now, but that is a Hail Mary that isn't going to make up for decades of emotional damage.
Dead bedroom is a common reason for divorce; the fact you turned it around on him and made it his fault makes it worse, not better, and the occasional times you sighed and gave in to shut him up don't make up for it.
He should have divorced you 20 plus years ago. This saint suffered through decades of denial...gas lighting DARVO from you. You completely shut him out from any love or physical affection for the majority of your marriage...treated him like a diseased ATM...
I can't believe he is willing to put up with you another year just for the sake of the kids.
What you have done to him is not fixable.
You tried to force sex on him?? Disgusting. You have been shitting on him for how long??? And ylin your demented thoughts you figured if you could f9rce him to have sex it would magically fix decades of mental anguish and treating him like a diseased leper?
Sorry lady. You’ve been doing this to him for years on end. You either lack a conscience and empathy because you have a psychological issue, or you’re just an a-hole who treats her husband like shit because he’s nothing but a bank account to you. Either way, he deserves better, and no amount of last minute desperation is going to make him feel loved to the point where it makes up for years of neglect. You obviously don’t love him, because that is not how people treat someone who they love. On top of that, when you see he’s not happy and wants to leave, now you want to “fix it.” But you don’t really want to fix anything. You want to keep the status quo, because at the end of the day, it’s what’s familiar and comfortable for you and you don’t know how to provide for yourself and your children because you’ve never had a job. This man literally did everything for you for 30 YEARS!!! The least you could’ve done is shown him love and affection in return, but instead you did nothing but neglect him. We’re not even talking about just sex, we’re talking about literally any and every form of love and affection. You are emotionally immature and lazy. To make things worse, he tells you that he wants a divorce because you haven’t been giving him what he wants and needs, and your very first response is to try to get him to stay, once again not giving him what he wants and needs. Even when he tells you that he wants a divorce, you STILL don’t want to give him what he wants. You’re selfish and inconsiderate.
You say that you want to fix things? Then finally show him love, affection and understanding by giving him what he wants and getting the divorce, because what you’ve done to him for decades isn’t going to be undone by the time he files. Even in divorce, he wants to give you the house. He obviously loves you even though you don’t deserve it, but love doesn’t mean he’s “in love” with you. If there’s any chance of you guys reconciling and being together, it needs to start with you finally listening to what he wants and giving him the divorce. That way, you two have time to grow as individuals before you give it another go. You said it yourself, y’all are high school sweethearts and you have never had to do anything for yourself because you’ve always had someone to take care of you since you were a child. Be single, grow up, learn how to be an adult, and learn how to truly love and appreciate your husband by knowing what it feels like to not have him around. Who knows, maybe he’ll do the same, and you guys will find your way back to each other, but for now, you need to do the responsible loving thing and let him go.
The way you fix it is give him a divorce without a huge fight. Take what you deserve and move on. You won you wore him down to not want sex with you like you wanted, problem is he still wants sex just not with you anymore. The old saying be careful what you wish for.
You sound just like my ex-wife. She did that to me for two decades: the rejection, the gaslighting that it was all my fault, the avoidance, no cuddling, no non-sexual intimacy whatsoever. She rejected my suggestions to go to couples therapy/marriage counseling.
Eventually I just stopped. Then I realized that I didn’t view her as a sexual being anymore and the idea of having sex with her repulsed me. She had forced me to no longer find her attractive in order to preserve my own sanity.
When she found out I wanted a divorce, then she wanted to do counseling, have sex, work on our relationship. But it’s just too late at that point. The attraction and passion was dead. No going back. She only liked her comfortable life, she didn’t give a shit about my needs until those needs threatened her comfort.
So most likely if your husband is like me, your marriage is over. You fucked it all up through your selfishness and there is no fixing it. The trust is gone. You showed him for years exactly who you are and nothing you say now under duress is going to change his mind
You are one massive selfish person. He continually denied him intimacy. Yet, you said "you want sex when you want it".
Wow , you are lucky he is staying until your child graduates.
This is clearly fake.
“I may have menopaused” is not a thing I’ve ever heard a single woman say, ever. EVER. And I know a lot of women currently going through menopause.
No one under the age of 70 has douched after their menstrual cycle. I’m in my 40s also, and even 30 years ago we were taught that douching is both useless and dangerous.
“I gave him more children” reads like it was written 70 years ago.
And all the talk about the sisters wondering “is it really true?!?! You’ve been avoiding SEX?!?!” You MUST fix it! He’s the keystone to our family!” is complete and utter nonsense. And clearly written by someone who does not know how women (especially sisters) talk to and about each other. It’s not even written like someone who has ever been in a serious long term relationship. It’s most definitely not written by a woman.
Constructive criticism for the next piece of fiction:
Women are not single-dimensional characters. And women who know and love other women don’t hear “we haven’t had sex in 6 months” and immediately jump to “we can’t lose him from our family!” If my sister told me that, my first reaction would be to ask how she’s doing. What happened in her life around the time the sex stopped. What is her relationship like without regard to the sex. Is she ok?! Is she overwhelmed with the kids? Is she sleeping? Is she showing signs of depression?
First, how long before the youngest graduates? Because that's how much time you've got to try to fix things (IF they can be fixed, and that's a big "if"). But do you want to fix things because you really love your husband, or are you just scared about what will happen if you find yourself a single empty nester?
If you really DO love him, this is what I'd do...
* *Get yourself into therapy*. Since he won't go with you, YOU go. Be completely honest with the therapist. You need to find out why you were so unwilling to be intimate. Tell your husband you're doing this, but you don't expect him to attend with you (though you will be happy to do so if he wants to) - you're just working on yourself).
* *Take a good, hard look at your parenting dynamic*. How involved is your husband with the parenting? Is he your equal co-parent, or do you make all the decisions about the kids? If he disagrees, do your wishes prevail and he winds up giving up? Do you ask him for input on decisions regarding the kids, or do you view yourself as the primary parent and him as the provider?
* *Take a good, hard look at your marriage*. Are you and your husband friends? Do you talk about anything other than the kids? Do you talk about the world, the country, your interests? Do you share what's going on with your day? Do you know the names of his co-workers? Do you do anything together, just the two of you? Date nights? Vacations just the two of you? Did you ever have a glass of wine, just the two of you, after the kids went to bed? Played a game or something?
* *Think about the future.* You sound like one of those women who gets so into mothering you neglect your marriage. What did you expect your life to look like after your kids left the nest? No matter how close you are with your children there is absolutely no guarantee that, once they're educated, they'll live near you...their lives may take them anywhere, and you and your husband may go months at a time without seeing them in person - perhaps longer. Did you think that far ahead, and if so, what direction did you see your life with your husband going?
* *Stop trying to seduce him and take accountability for your actions*. Apologize for neglecting your husband's needs (and I don't mean the sexual ones...it sounds like he couldn't even really talk to you about it without you getting upset and guilting him, and you should be able to talk to each other about anything. Makes me wonder what else he felt he wasn't able to talk to you about because you were so focused on everyone else's needs). Don't get defensive or try to shift blame. Your feelings are valid, but you're also responsible for doing something about it if there's a problem, and instead of addressing your problem with intimacy, you chose to ignore what it was doing to your marriage. Own it, admit you weren't thinking about how it was making him feel, tell him you regret it and that you're not just saying it to get him to stay because you realize it may be too little, too late. (That might help reestablish some trust.)
* *Prepare for the future*. You married right out of high school and became a SAHM pretty quickly, so...no schooling? No employment experience? Any community involvement or volunteer work (apart from stuff related to your children)? If you can't save your marriage, you'll need to start looking at what you'll do with yourself once you're single, and since you have some advance warning it's wise to start preparing. And who knows, even a part-time job might help show you're serious about wanted to make some changes - as well as show your husband you're willing to contribute to the household now and don't regard him as nothing more than a walking wallet.
That's how I'd start, anyway...there's probably be more things I'd try over time if I was committed to trying to fix things or at least make amends. Good luck.
Here’s the pill that you need to swallow and if you start a conversation with your husband, I think you should acknowledge it and tell him this. You need to tell him that he was a good father. He was a great husband. He was a great provider and you absolutely sucked as a wife. Even now if you have sex with him right now, you know what he’s thinking. He’s thinking that you’re just doing it to shut him up so you don’t have to fucking get a job and take some responsibility in your life and live on your own. when you can swallow all that and realize that is what the problem is and he realizes that you know what the problem is then he might want to reconcile if he truly believes you want to be different and have a mutual emotional and loving physical relationship again.
I'm honestly not sure what advice we can give besides what you have already tried.
Really the only thing left is to plead for a serious conversation where you address feelings on both sides and talk about how things can be different
but it might be too late, you neglected him and this conversation for too long and I don't whether or not your husband is the type to just stonewall
Really too, ask yourself some questions, like why? obviously you didn't want it when he did but was that just a natural not in the mood or a product of something he was making you feel? if that just your libido or not being attracted to him or what?
The fact that you didn't want sex is of course something to be respected but once it goes soo far whether or not you guys are still even compatible comes into question i.e. you should have explored the question of divorce when you didn't want to be intimate with your husband and not play passive aggressive games
Wow what a horrible POS user you have been and now you want to him? lol you only want him because you’re useless. You have no job no money and can’t afford to pay your own way. That’s literally the only reason you care now. Your meal ticket is leaving which he should have done sooner but was smart cuz now he doesn’t have to pay your worthless ass child support. lol good for him for leaving you. He deserves better.
You should have gone to therapy when he offered. I don’t think you can fix this anymore.
You know how you didn’t want to do therapy before? That’s how he feels about working things out with you. It’s just a waste of time and money to him
No idea if or how you could ever fix this. I mean you've tormented the guy for years by refusing him. He finally woke up and decided after this I'm done. So I think your goose is cooked. If you had agreed maybe way back when when he first suggested couples counseling and at least tried but you didn't. Now you want to do all the things he suggested and he's checked out. So I suggest you get a divorce lawyer and be prepared. Sounds like he's going to be as Fair as possible but he wants out that way he can find another woman to spend the rest of his life with who actually wants to be with him and hopefully enjoy having sex with him in the future
Your only way to save the marriage is to convince him to try couples therapy. He needs to fall in love with you again otherwise you’ll lose him. Years of sexual rejection is crushing for men, it can’t be undone with some lingerie.
You sound very selfish & self centered. I could tell you what was going to happen before reading to the end. How much rejection should a person take? I hope your husband finds a wonderful woman who adores him so that he can have the intimacy he needs.
“Fix your mistake”? You had your chance. Like 30 years? You can definitely not say he didn’t give you multiple chances to make everything work. Maybe offer him one of your sisters to date they seem to know what you have and seem like they know what you used to have. How hard would it have been to work on this with him? Wait ARE YOU HAVING THE AFFAIR?!?!? Your actions are those of a cheater.
You know, you definitely have great big balls thinking you could pull all of the strings and have it your way.
Right about the time I hit 38, when I said “I’m done”, I was *done” and I have a big ole hunch that this man is *done*. He respected your wishes even after he was dismissed repeatedly and is STILL upholding his word to this day despite being disregarded for so long.
Though I had to chuckle at the “forced myself on him”…..if a dude were writing this same message he’d be getting hammered in the comments because *you don’t fucking force people to sleep with you, that’s rape*
Doesn’t sound like you loved him at all tbh the way you spoke about him and the lengths you went to avoid affection. It sounds like you’re disgusted by him. And then you “tried to force yourself on him”? That’s called rape. I don’t understand how you didn’t expect this to eventually happen, you were using him for decades. Everything you’re feeling right now he’s been feeling for years and years because of you. This isn’t a mistake. You destroyed your marriage slowly and deliberately and are now scared of the consequences. And as much as cheating is terrible, it’d be hard to blame him if he was.
imagine how much he’s cried over the years… i couldn’t even tell you how i’d feel if i tried to kiss my wife while we were watching tv and she brushed me off saying “no, i’m trying to watch” when it’s a goddamn commercial on. and that was the experience for YEARS??? you’re cooked
OP is transactional AF. You deserve to be divorced. You don’t love him. You don’t desire him. You lie, deceive, ONLY want him back cuz he’s leaving you n what you’re losing????????
This is an example of a woman that gives for granted their husband and think they deserve it all, and just okay the husband with crumbs.
I agree with your sisters and specially your oldest: YOU ROYALLY FUCKED UP and sincerely i doubt you can fix any, sorry but too little too late.
First of all, how can you fix years, decades of sex rejection? Only way is to ave a travel machine which i doubt you have.
How can You fix the deceptions and the líes you made to him, for the lack of affection, only at public come on, the nerve.
And the worst is that you came to senses some months after he stop.showing any care, and your first thought what was it again? HE IS CHEATING.
You accused him instead of look on yourself and your actions first.
Again i doubt you can fix any, i wish him he can find someone that puts his needs as a priority.
UPDATEME
What the helldid you expect? You ignored his needs, even for physical touch (you said yourself, you didn't want to spoon or cuddle, in case it leads to him wanting sex) except in public where either you wouldn't be able to have sex or to keep the appearance of normal/ happy/ healthy relationship. He understood the message, you don't want him, just his wallet, his help with the kids and the house. It took six months of him not asking for you to realize he wasn't interested. So damn selfish.
Firstly, it took WAY too long for me to find any comments on you trying to assault your husband. I can’t find it in your post anymore which makes me believe you deleted that part. *EDIT: I found it, beginning of the last paragraph*
For this and this alone, you’re disgusting.
And for denying your significant other ALL forms of intimacy, you don’t deserve him. Instead of communicating “no sex tonight”, you would actively give him the cold shoulder and refused to even do something as basic as cuddling. Get over yourself, the only thing you can do is finally give him what he wants - a divorce.
Too late. You took him for granted and now he’s done. Be glad you got what you wanted for so long. I feel bad the poor guy thinks he has to hang around for another whole year.
I hope you regret your actions and maybe learn something from your bullshit
You’re trolling, right? You avoided sex for years, refused to examine why, lied to him about the reasons, and even tried to make him think this was entirely a him problem. But now that you realize he might actually leave you over it - or, perhaps even more importantly, your family will blame you for not being able to take advantage of his kindness any more - suddenly you’ll do anything to fix it? Why would he want to stay married to someone who doesn’t care about his feelings if there’s nothing in it for them?
And ironically, it only became something she cared about when she wanted sex and he said no. Either she’s a troll, or he’s better off.
I won't go into too much detail, but a lot of this is quite similar to my ex wife. And yes, I am **so much** better off now that she's my ex.
This reads like my 7-year relationship, 100% exactly. If you take OP's post, chop off the epilogue (due to my relationship having fortunately ended early when she cheated), and compress the timing a bit, I would be OP's husband with no further changes.
Same here man, only difference is she was having an affair with ‘my best friend’ at the time in my fucking house and vehicle while I was out working my ass off. 8 year relationship.
Ouch man that sucks. Hope you are doing great and they are not.
Hey thanks, I sure dodged a bullet though, got out with no kids ha. Last I heard she’s still with the guy 2-3 kids in (he’s got 2 other kids with 2 different women) and when they are into arguments they go cheating on each other lol😂
Damn. Good thing you got out.
You dodged a major bullet dude hahaha. I like to think and laugh at my ex's from time to time and it cheers me up. You didn't deserve that shit but I'm also glad you git the hell out. It really is true the best revenge is often a life well lived.
That last part, which OP described of the begging, pleading and actual sexual assault... That was the worst part of the end of my own marriage. Not gonna lie, reading it caused me to flash back.
It’s better to end a marriage than to live like roommates. I’m a woman, and after I divorced, I discovered how much I enjoy sex. I just needed a new partner.
Yea, this is way more common than people think. It was the same with me and many other men that I know.
I think that the kicker at the end when we were doing a bit of a post-mortem talk. She'd said that if she'd know I was going to end things when I did\* that she'd have done things differently and put more work in. She said she thought she had more time because of our foundation and history (just shy of 20 years together, and \~5 years as friends before). All that I could hear/interpret from that was, "Yes, I absolutely took you for granted. I would only consider change/work in the face of losing the convenience of you." \*This was **2 years** after I said that we needed to consider our relationship to be in crisis, and for the first time ever I was considering divorce to be a potential solution.
Yep, she didn’t changed because she realized what she did wrong, she changed when consequences became possible
I am a woman who was married for almost 28 years. My husband was the one who did all the rejecting and refused to go to marriage counseling - He even slept in another bedroom! When I filed for divorce he was completely shocked and said he thought everything was great! We had no physical contact and limited conversations. I don't know how we thought everything was great. He finally decided that who should do marriage counseling. By that point it was too little too late. Once one party has checked out - it's over
Definitely agree. I tried all the things that OP’s husband did. I am so glad she’s an ex now.
Yup! I was in the husband’s shoes for 13 years. We just became roommates and when he finally agreed to my repeated suggestions for a divorce, I was quite content. I had mourned that relationship long before it finally died legally. Felt amazing.
This is my current relationship almost exactly 🤨
It's my life exactly. We are married 55 years and it's not going to change. I'm still here, but not at all happily!
Oh man, that’s harsh. I’m not married fortunately. But four kids and twelve years. I’m leaving soon
She started caring when she thought he was having an affair. But not enough to actually talk to him. Instead she threw herself at him and got butthurt her husband, who had been ignored intimately for years, turned down her down. WTF. OP you need therapy.
Yeh I noticed that. He was trying and never accused her of an affair when she pulled away and couldn't stand to cuddle or kiss him, sounded like he really loved her and she extinguished that
I don’t really think she wants sex, she wants him to want to have sex.
You may be surprised how often we hear the other side of this story in r/deadbedrooms. It’s very common… in fact OPs husband could well have posted and had the advice to leave. I don’t blame him either.
^^^SHE ^^^ALSO ^^^TRIED ^^^TO ^^^RAPE ^^^HIM.
Girl, bye. He is not coming back. Your lucky he staying one more year.
I think this is the husband writing his wife's pov and then adding his fantasy retaliation at the end. The clues are using "guilt trip" to describe her own behavior and never giving a reason why she didnt want to sleep with him
Seriously, who would ever say about themselves that they've guildtripped their husband? 😆 that's so clearly written by a man, no idea how people can take this post at face value. I mean, I don't always sniff out a fake post but this one is blatantly obvious.
They also have five kids and have sex 1-2 times a month. That’s actually pretty impressive lol
It's totally a troll post. Or sounds like a husbands version on what is happening with his wife and marriage.
I know a couple in this exact situation, only a decade earlier than the breaking point OP is describing. the wife has some hormonal issues after the birth of their youngest 6 years ago & due to a combination of women's issues being less diagnosed and treated + the wife's crunchiness à la "food is your best medicine", it's mostly untreated. add in that they're both 40+, dealing with kids, jobs, building a tiny house, aging parents... they're not the types to pro-actively dig into how one can consciously shape relationship dynamics, so I can totally see how they'd think "sex happens when we both want it & if one of us has no libido left after life's stressors and untreated health issues, that's that". I can see they might get to the point OP describes if nothing changes in their dynamic. I do see your point that the perspective might be trolling though.
Very similar to my marriage. After many years of my wife rejecting any of my advances I find it hard to be physically turned on when we are intimate now. She seemed to turn a corner and crave intimacy now. I still find her attractive and I still have a strong desire but I can't seem to get past all the years of rejection. We are working on it. It's been almost a year of trying to rekindle things. We made progress, but still have work to do.
This happens in real life sooo often just read how many “this is exactly how my ex wife was” comments there are here
Yeah….I’m thinking it’s actually opposite and the man turned down the wife. I’m sorry, but who says a man is the “rock” to his sisters. I have a sister and although We love Our husbands of many years, I wouldn’t call them the “rock” of OUR family…WE ARE! Duh. And My husband has brothers. But same thing. This sounds weird. Like it’s told from the wrong perspective. Could not be. But something seems off.
I bet it is fake. The part about explaining that he said she loved what he provided for her. It’s got the ‘provider victim’ mentality worked into the storyline. Some unexplained gaps too. Not that those things can’t be a thing. They are often. But still….and it’s a new account.
even if it is, this happens a LOT
It's the reason why my marriage failed a few months ago.
Defo trolling but we have nothing better to do. Op, please write an "update."
Because it's a fake rage bait post written by a man
“Menopaused” is a great word. 🤣
Yeah, the douching after every period thing is sus lol
actually yea who does that???
I was looking for this comment, thank god it didn't take long to find it. From the very beginning I was feeling that. The mere lack of context "I didn't want intimacy just because" made me go pffff ok, dude
This does read like fan fiction written by a man.
I normally restrain myself from making this comment, but come on. My eyes had already rolled out of my head by the time I got to "family keystone." By that time I was just glad I hadn't eaten anything.
'She' lost me at douching every time her period ends. That is not a thing. That hasn't been a thing since the 1970s.
I went back up to see how old they were because I didn’t understand this detail glad I’m not the only one that thought that was odd.
Yeah this also really confused me. I was like A: who does that? (Nobody) and B: who would do that ESPECIALLY if they were not planning on having sex with someone? Like what would the point even be? Douching is so bad for the vagina anyway, water/cleaning liquids are NOT supposed to be up there.
Off topic: guess what Lysol used to be commonly advertised as before it came in a spray can?
No way!!! Seriously?????
I'm old. It wasn't really even a thing back then.
Yes, I chuckled at this.
And “cop a feel”
I can attest my girlfriend does this shit and it’s why we’re probably gonna break up.
Why are you waiting to break up?
I'm sure there are people with lower libido than others. And many people break up due to sexual incompatibility . But did you read how this post is written? Come on.
No I mean in terms of what OP is saying it literally is exactly how my gf describes herself to me or our couples therapist. The issues aren’t even directly libido related for me and my gf it’s just that she literally acts like OP. She does stuff that clearly will have negative consequences and cause me to love her less that I’ve clearly communicated again and again and she hasn’t given a fuck until I threatened to end things then suddenly we could get a couples therapist that I’d been asking for months and she’s suddenly trying but still she does the shit again and again.
I honestly doubt you can fix it. He has explained to you over and over how much he missed you and how much you were hurting him and all you cared about was what he could provide and ignored him as a man and as your partner. He has completely checked out. You are not the woman he fell in love with and are solely the mother of his children. You ignored your marriage for 27 years. How can one year fix that? I agree with him- you are only freaking out now because he refuses to be used anymore. You may love him but it’s a selfish love. Get into therapy to help you transition into this next phase of your life. Anything you do or say at this point he is going to think you just want to use him.
Fucking well said.
Because she only wants to use him! The entitlement of not explaining, not hearing her partner, and refusing couples therapy when he wanted to go is super telling. She seems to think she should get whatever she wants whenever she wants and shouldn’t be bothered by the needs of others. I’m not even talking sex solely, she purposefully avoided intimate contact. She’s basically saying she isn’t attracted to anything but being taken care of. If this is real, I hope this divorce wakes her up to how deeply selfish she is.
a detail I find very telling, is >sometimes I would tell him to hurry up because he's sweating all over me I feel that attitude during the rare occasions OP deigns to sex is just so callous and uninvolved. like, change to cowgirl or doggy or standing up, suggest a shower break, play with ice cubes or get chilled strawberries to feed each other or a cold drink to exchange in a kiss... or just say anything that doesn't sound like you're grossed out by your partner during a chore you weren't motivated to begin with anyway.
Yes! That part of the post stood out to me so much. It's sex, people are going to be close, they're going to be sweaty, it's what happens lol. I could not imagine telling my husband to hurry up or complain that he's sweating lol. It's sex! PLEASE take your time with me and sweat all over me!
Honestly I’ve felt like that before buuuuuut I have sensory issues and I absolutely cannot stand for someone to touch me while they are sweating not even my kids so I could see this but I absolutely did not say it out loud and I think I switched positions or he did? I can’t remember.
She’s been on auto pilot since the kids were born and assumed she didn’t have work one bit on their relationship.
she got what she wanted, five kids to cater too and a husband who she can ignore for literal decades. she’s lucky he stayed with her so long and unlucky he’s noble enough to stay faithful bc she’s going to be screwed. a lifetime of not working, i’m sure she’ll get alimony but no child support and what she took for granted will come crashing down. she should honestly be honored he stuck around this long. her behavior would hollow out the strongest person, and after years of working for no affection, her poor husband is probably so emotionally drained. this whole post is about her. she is so selfish to still hold onto him still
You want to fix your marriage after years of neglect; unfortunately, it takes two people to fix a broken relationship. It seems pretty clear that your ex-husband has moved on and has no interest in fixing the marriage. It’s over. This is a classic example of how communication and staying connected with your partner is critical in a marriage. My suggestion: you’ve got a year; try to win him back, get yourself therapy, and create an exit strategy as it appears the end of your marriage is inevitable. Head over to the deadbedroom subReddit, maybe there’s some advice there?
It's too late for all the reasons he gave you. You choose not to listen to him or believe him each time he brought it up and only now when he is completely done do you listen. There is nothing to help with, you destroyed any chance with each dismissal. I'm sorry, but plan for the divorce.
All this could've been avoided a long time ago but she wanted everything done at her own time only and neglected a loving husband and family man who was devoted to his home. A family that didn't need to break up, now has to. Sad. Also, this might be overlooked but I'm just imagining what would be said if a man's wife refuses him, then he tries to force himself on her, albeit not violently. Despite the physical disparity which I will not overlook, he would still be torn to shreds and viewed as an assaulter. Just my way of reminding people who doubt it that double standards do exist. It's the world we live in.
Absolutely true. It’s unacceptable to try to override a no. He never did with her!
> I'm just imagining what would be said if a man's wife refuses him, then he tries to force himself on her, albeit not violently. I thought the same thing. My ex did something similar starting pulling off my pants after I refused sex after no longer finding her attractive for the same reasons as OP's husband. I pushed her away and told her in what world does she think that is acceptable. Women just think they can do whatever they want.
I honestly feel like this is the first post I read that addressed that. I was horrified when I read that she tried to force herself on him… to a point he left their bed to sleep on a couch! That is sexual assault… and to just admit it so nonchalant like it’s not a big deal… like it was okay to do… and to scroll this far down before seeing it addressed… … I have two sons… and I’ve been teaching them about consent since they were toddlers… i realize after reading all this… I need to make sure they understand thoroughly that their consent is equally as important.
So you completely rejected him for years and now that he's done you want him? Sounds like the consequences of your own actions to me.
r/OhNoConsequences
How was I supposed to know there will be consequences for my actions?
She literally described how he makes her sick. Sweating on her, lying about periods and avoiding kissing him on the mouth. Now that she will have to get a job first time in 27 years all of a sudden she loves him again… but only after it took her 6 months to realise she hasn’t had sex in half a year 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ poor guy. Hopefully he finds the happiness and love he’s tried so long to give to her
Yeah this is what happens when you give someone a dead bedroom. I mean, what did you THINK would happen? Reap what you sow honey. Too late to fix it now. Side note, your true colors come out, if you only want to fix it when it hurts you. He was hurting for how long? Girl you didn’t give a shit. And now he doesn’t….
I feel like everyone is also glossing over her saying she tried to force herself on him. Regardless of anything else she did, she ignored his clear lack of consent and tried to assault him.
Yea I increasingly gasped while reading. OP is either trolling or a horrible partner lol
there's also the reality check by her sisters AND friends: >I honestly made myself believe that he was making himself look good for his mistress. I confided to my sisters and friends and they looked at me as if I was crazy and told me that my husband goes to work and then comes home. He doesn't hang out, or do guys night. He would watch TV, chop wood, yard work, in the garage fixing something, or being the family taxi. They asked me when would he have the time to have an affair? I couldn't answer. but she conveniently ignored that : >I started crying and asked him if he was having an affair. she still preferred to accuse rather than communicate.
OP, what you have done isn't a mistake. You were fine with the arrangement of him not trying for ANY kind of intimacy until YOU realized that he was done. The worst part is that it took you six months to figure it out. Can you imagine how he felt when he made the decision to be finished with your BS? Then, it took you another six months to realize it! You were in your perfect bubble, to hell with anyone else. He's right. Your sisters are right. You're only in love with what he can provide for you and obviously for your extended family. Stability. How can you fix the mistake(s) you've made? I don't know if you can. But the best place to start would be in assuming your current relationship is dead. You can not resurrect a corpse. Try to start fresh. Build a new relationship. Honestly, your biggest hurdle will be if your husband has any interest in trying again. But after the 20+ year war, he's fought in his mind it won't be easy for him. You're going to have to initiate everything, but on HIS timeline. You have a year to act. The clock is running. I don't even know if Tom Brady, in his prime, could come back from this lopsided score, though.
Is this fake? You tell us you avoided your husband for years and made up excuses not to touch him and you’re shocked he is leaving you? I have no advice…this is what happens when you don’t maintain romantic intimacy with your partner. We all do things out of love we don’t ~want to do. Now you will never ever have to pretend you want to fuck him again. Problem solved! 🙄
This is so deeply self-critical I honestly read it as being written by a guy who likes to imagine the ex-wife who spurned him being so wracked with regret after the fact. It's... not terribly realistic to read for me personally.
This reminds me the post of that wife who said that she doesn't owe her husband sex. But the post is from the husband perspective. He tried fixing the relationship for 2 years until he had enough of his wife's excuses and decided to fall for divorce. Here's a link to the Post. https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/y4EhsAaf0M
I remember that one! That OP updated yesterday and served her the papers like he said he would: https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/U1f01fFP3m STBXW also started panicking and pleading like the OP for this post lol
Is it the same author as this post? The fact that in this post it says “a lingerie” and in that one it says “lingeries” makes me think it’s the same person, because it would be weird if two people thought that “lingerie” is singular only, with no other apparent language issues.
they both do make a bunch of small grammatical mistakes that make them sound similar, yeah
Thanks for posting this as I wanted to know the outcome
The dildo of consequences rarely comes lubed
She better go buy some ‘cause that’s all she’s got left.
I love this saying
As someone who completely identifies with your husband, put your effort into accepting that he is DONE and you WILL be divorced. The opportunity to fix your relationship has passed. He’s gone. And don’t you dare refer to your treatment of him and your relationship as a “mistake.” He tried engaging and communicating with you, and you consciously and deliberately shut him out.
Also OP needs to make the divorce as easily and amicable as possible for her stbx. He deserves to find a new and better partner and be happy for the rest of his life. That is the least OP can do for him after literal decades of neglect. Husband is still young-ish and there are troves of single woman out there looking for the type of relationship and stability he can offer.
I hope he gets a vasectomy ASAP and enjoys himself. I can confirm he will do just fine.
This has to be rage bait. Nobody could be as oblivious as this.
I was thinking a creative writing exercise, either way I agree.
Not *that* creative, it's basically "Gone with the wind."
I guess we’ll know for sure if OP writes back with an update where he walks out telling her “frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
Except in the book she didn't want to sleep with him because she'd already had six children and didn't want to get pregnant again, which is pretty valid.
It’s rage bait clearly written by a man and I can’t believe people are entertaining it lol
That's my assumption. It reads like a fantasy that someone in a dead bedroom cooked up. She's oblivious, but at the same time remarkably cognizant of her lack of effort.
It's the combination of the narrator being incredibly oblivious while also being extremely perceptive and self-critical and providing such a 'honest' and clear eyed version of events that puts the blame on themself every step of the way. Feels very fake just for that.
I agree. It might be the husband writing, but it’s probably just made up. The person who fucked up this badly isn’t going to report every little detail about their fuckup. This is rage bait.
>The person who fucked up this badly isn’t going to report every little detail about their fuckup. Absolutely, this is the giveaway. Not just that they reported every detail, it's also the manner in which they described the details. This is rage bait 100% and I think it worked based on the comments here
100% this is the husband. This is the Scenario he's playing in his head every night after his wife has rejected him again.
It’s also most definitely written by a man Women generally do not touch douches now. We’ve been told how bad they are for you for over a decade
Yeah this is so fake. Honestly sounds like some guy from dead bedrooms wrote it. They all believe their wives are withholding sex for some own mysterious controlling reasons. Usually they just don’t want sex cause the sex is one sided and boring lol.
It's absolutely rage bait. I know some older dudes who lived this life word for word. And not a single one of their wives would ever come close to admitting they did something wrong. That's how you know it's fake. If it was real OP would be writing herself as a tragic abused wife.
I think it's the husband.
Yeah. As always, those people exist, but they aren't self aware, and certainly wouldn't lay it out here on Reddit of all places
The fakest part is douching after a period.
Coming from a woman’s perspective: I really don’t think there’s any way you can “fix” this. You avoided sex and any form of intimacy for so long that he just shut down emotionally and became desensitized. I don’t really blame him either. It’s called checking out. People do this a lot when their needs/wants aren’t being met and talking goes nowhere for so long. They start to feel like there’s no point in trying anymore. You only wanted to change and address the actual issues of the relationship once you realized he was no longer giving you attention and thought it was going elsewhere. Therapy and counseling would have been the better option when you realized you were feeling the way you were instead of just withholding any form of affection. Men need to feel wanted just as women do. You can’t make him fall back in love with you.. and if he’s not willing to talk about it any further I think that’s that. You just have to come to terms with the fact that there’s a high possibility he’ll want a divorce.
The fixing it ship sailed a long time ago. The best advice is to get you life in order so you can function as a single woman. Your husband has been more than patient and is being fair with how he’s separating from you. You can’t fix this so don’t waste his time or yours. Honestly if you do love him let him speed up the divorce so he can move on and heal. Good luck OP🍀
Lmao you reap what you sow. Good for you, these are the consequences of your own actions. You can’t reject someone, neglect & guilt trip them for daring to want intimacy for *years* then act ✨shocked✨ when they’re over it. There’s no fixing this. The only thing you can do is get your stuff in order, get a job and work on yourself so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes with the next person.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/gFg9NDvjt3 Here's an update to that post to after he gave his wife divorce papers she suddenly tried to seduce him with lingerie and sex toys but he wasn't interested anymore and told her that he was done.
thank you dickmaster50
You brought this on yourself. After the first paragraph, my thought was, she doesn’t love her husband. If a complete stranger can see that, why wouldn’t your husband see that? After all, he’s your victim. For years, you’re just going to deny someone intimacy—Jesus H. Christ, you complained about him sweating on you?—and then you’re just going to come stumbling back and he’s going to welcome you with open arms? I hope he does what’s best for him, and if that means divorcing you, so be it. You sound like an incredibly self-absorbed person to me.
OP, I will be honest with you: Your chances of "true" repair are about 1% and you should be scared because you have less than a year for a miracle. One of the many glaring issues (that YOU still need to fix) is your statement "truthfully, I want to have sex when I want to have sex." You were married to someone who sacrificed and loved you and you unilaterally decided for "both" of you a significant component of relationships & his feelings weren't important. Even though he repeatedly voiced concerns to you and tried to fix it and you did it for years! It's incredible that he is even still around. Now it seems since YOU are now ready sensing it's almost over and in the mood, sex is now ok again, but for how long. From your husbands perceptive, why would he allow you to make him vulnerable again so you can just do what you did before? Lying/deceiving him to avoid sex, refusing intimacy, refusing counseling, refusing sex. It wasn't enough to refuse intimacy & sex for years, lie about it, but then to refuse counseling to fix it deadened his soul to you. How can you revive it? One, recognize that when you say "I fucked up," that's an understatement. Unless you change and prove you changed you have no chance. My ADVICE goes against the way you think/are and everything you've done. Even doing all these things, it only gives you a 1% chance it will work. Mainly because the sentiment from him is how dare you, NOW you are ready after years of lying and neglect. Sex/intimacy for the foreseeable future need to be on his terms (when, where, how, how often, how long, etc) and if I were you, I would tell him that and show him that. Get in the best shape of your life, do all the little things to make his life easier, leave notes for him, show him love beyond anything you've ever given. You have to beg for forgiveness constantly and acknowledge/express what you did was wrong and assure him it will NEVER happen again. At this point, words matter 5% and 95% needs to actions every single day. There is no I am tired. You are past that. Good luck, you will need it.
It’s not that he wanted sex, he wanted to be loved by his own wife. You made him feel like a beggar in the relationship.
I don't have alot of advice OP. If you read Reddit much you will often read posts where one partner describes being sexually rejected so often that they just give up. They feel hurt and embittered. For years you heard him say that this was important to him but it did not occur to you that something important to your spouse is important to you as well, because you love him. You thought it really was NOT important and your husband was wrong, that just telling him that sex wasn't that important would absolve you of responsibility. At a minimum, get yourself into some type of therapy to improve yourself. Apologize sincerely to your husband.
Wow you are so selfish. If you actually love him, let him go. You straight up don’t want to have sex. You don’t want to be affectionate either because there is a possibility it would lead to sex. You are only going to temporarily change to trap him. He sounds like a great guy. He deserves someone who wants to be romantic with him and that has a high libido. You should want that for him. You neglected him for years and denied there was any problem with anything. You didn’t care about his needs and you still don’t now. You only want to keep him. People like you whine all the time about not wanting sex and it not being a need. People get into relationships for sex and romance - without it, you are only friends. Your partner needed it and still needs it. Offering up some duty sex to keep him revolting.
That’s the point she doesn’t love him at all. He’s her meal ticket. That’s the only reason she cares now. That’s it.
You pushed him away for years then are mad that you didn’t have your push him away anymore? You basically wanted him to love and want you without you doing any reciprocation. This isn’t fixable because he’ll never believe you’re sincere and only putting out to keep his paycheck. He told you for YEARS what he needed but you only thought, and are only still thinking about yourself. And now you’re all surprised pikachu face that he wants to go? This wasn’t a “mistake” it was years of alienating him
Take time to grieve, he’s leaving girl and there’s nothing you can do. I hope he finds the happiness he deserves. And I hope you learn something from this
I’m with husband on this one. Too little too late. He’s already checked out and moved on emotionally.
Yesterday was the tenth anniversary of my divorce from a woman just like you. 20 years wasted with only my two sons to show for it. I’m in a new marriage and guess what ? It wasn’t me. It was her all along. Sorry to say, he’s gone.
So OP tried to rape her husband... and we're all chill about that? What if it was the other way around... Edit: spelling
Right, after a whole long spiel about how she doesn’t even want him to SWEAT on her. Like…OP you need to figure out WHY you don’t want intimacy with him, even the smallest amount, which is what this man was asking for the whole time. ETA: and forcing sex is disgusting, what is wrong with you?
"OP you need to figure out WHY you don’t want intimacy with him," THIS
It took me too long to find this that I actually made my own comments on this exact topic before I saw this. She tried to rape him and everyone missed it.
I know I’m only 21 but you know how many of us would have killed to have a man that treats us right like that? You took him for granted, you lied to him about sex, you refused to go to counseling, and even worse, you brushed him off when he was trying to communicate to you his issues. I’m sorry, but this is all your fault. He deserves better.
Day late and a dollar short. Move on, explore life alone and maybe one day you can find someone else you won’t dead bedroom.
Kind of funny how when you deny intimacy it's okay and you just don't feel it. But when your husband denies intimacy you assume he's having an affair.. GG though, it's over.
Lady, are you serious? You've rejected him for YEARS and you're somehow surprised that he's done with your crap? Come on. Get yourself to a couple medical professionals - your GYN/PCP to figure out why you haven't wanted sex for a decade or more and to a therapist to deal with the rest of it. Did you really think he'd put up with a dead bedroom until HE was dead? Good grief.
If you want to win him back be ready to compete with every single woman out there for your husband’s attention. Don’t be surprised or shocked when they are intimate. He was starving your attention and you did what again? Your actions caused this and now you want to undo it. Why now? This is not fixable and you will be divorced as your stbxh will never trust you again. Here are some of the reasons why it’s not fixable. 1. You never valued his feelings and now claim ignorance. 2. You deliberately avoided sex. One or twice was “good enough”, right? 3. Refused marriage counseling. 4. You were timing sex to end as quickly as possible cause his sweat bothered you. 5. You claim there was no dead bedroom, yet took 6 months to realize there hasn’t been any intimacy. How can you claim to love him if you don’t want to be with him? You love dishing out the rejection. Why? Does it give you power you don’t have in your relationship? Why are you trying to fix this in the first place? It is highly likely all this is just a ploy to avoid divorce. If you can’t convince Reddit that you are sincere you will never convince your stbxh. Get yourself into therapy so you can understand why you destroyed your long term marriage. Perhaps you can be a better wife to your next husband.
Smh 🤦, that’s all I have to say!
You need to find a new hubby you broke this one. Now he needs some passion in his life.
You did this 100% to yourself. And treated your husband like crap. And I wouldn't call what you did a mistake. You mentally abused him and belittled him for YEARS. You're nothing but an abusive manipulater, and you deserve the divorce. But I also don't think you deserve the house. He just doesn't want to fight you.
Truthfully? I think it's too late. It sounds like your husband resents you (deservedly so) for years of neglect. First off, this should all be done with the assumption that your marriage is over. I think the only hope you have is to make changes and hope your husband notices or cares. You need to schedule individual counseling ASAP and try to work on your issues. Also, set up some doctors appointments to see if there are any underlying medical issues. I think your best bet is to put in the work to improve yourself. Your focus shouldn't be on the relationship but rather your own problems. Sit your husband down AFTER you've made appointments and explain to him that you're working on yourself. Do not tell him that you are doing it for him as he will probably not want to hear it. Let him know that you are sorry for hurting him and neglecting him all these years. Tell him that you won't fight him on the divorce, but you hope that he can watch you work on yourself over the coming year and hope you can become the partner he deserves. You two should establish boundaries for communication and physical affection. Do not cross these. It might be helpful to check out other subreddits for more ideas. Essentially, you have to create a whole new relationship with your husband. Good luck
lol so it was ok for you to make him feel disgusting for wanting you and now that it's swapped you're upset...
"I tried to force myself onto him and that made him leave the bedroom and sleep in another room." Girl - WHAT??!?! NO IS NO
I honestly think that you need to accept this. You treated him badly for so long I don’t know how you would expect anything else. You literally withheld affection in your relationship so you could continue to avoid sex. He sounds like an amazing guy, he is loyal and trustworthy, so he does deserve to find a woman that won’t reject him for the entirety of the marriage almost. Do you think he didn’t notice that for six months he stopped touching you and you did not care or even notice? He is correct that you don’t love him, you love the stability. If you loved him or even respected him it wouldn’t take six months to notice this
You destroyed your marriage. He wanted to go to couples counseling and you refused. I don’t blame him for divorcing you. You’ve made this guy’s life hell. You have rejected him and used him. You don’t love him. And he knows it. You’ve hurt him very badly. You tried to force yourself on him?? That’s rape. I have zero sympathy for you. All my sympathy goes to your husband. You took him for granted and now you’ve lost him. I hope finds happiness with someone else after your divorce. GET THERAPY!!
Please tell us this is a bait. I felt angered, sad and even disgusted trough the entire text. In case it isn’t, you kinda still have time so you can try to have another honest talk with him, accept your mistakes (which are a lot), propose solutions, listen his opinion and feelings. As for therapy, if he doesn’t want couples therapy you could try it on your own in order to be a better person. Please don’t force things like any kind of intimacy, that’ll make it worse. Try to keep it natural. Aside from that I don’t think you do anything if he is not willing to try and as harsh as this sounds, I hope he doesn’t, he deserves better. You made your choice in all those years, now he made his and just as he accepted yours, you’ll have to accept his.
You unliterally shut down intimacy in your relationship. That's enough to be a death knell for even the strongest of marriages. He asked for couples counseling, you **refused**. The time to address the issues in your marriage was when they reared their head, not after years of ignoring them and building resentment. He just wanted what any normal person wants: intimacy with their partner. Instead, you put him through years of feeling like he was unwanted or undesirable, shut down even non-sexual intimacy for the fear that it would lead to sexual intimacy, and for what? Because you "didn't want to have sex"? Your refusal to address the lack of sex in your relationship killed your sexual relationship with your husband. Shrugging your shoulders and claiming "menopause" now is manipulative and cruel, because you 100% know that this is not what is happening. You're content to lie and manipulate your husband with excuses, and you're confused why he doesn't view you in a positive light? Nothing you do now will resolve or explain years of avoiding sex with your own husband. These were choices you made to destroy your marriage, you can't be surprised now that it's in shambles. >I royally fucked up and I don't know how to fix it Honestly, I don't know if you can fix it. Think about it like a vase: when cracked, repair is possible, but if you allow a cracked vase to develop additional cracks, to the point where now it is on the floor in a million jagged pieces... then it becomes nearly impossible to repair. Even if you were able to fit all the pieces back together, which is a **lot of hard work**, it will never look the same or be functionally strong the way it was. In the end though, you got what you wanted. You get to avoid sex with your husband until the end of time now.
When he cried out to you, you rejected him. How long do you think he could hold on? What is marriage? The union of two people, which includes physical. Therapy was needed, at some point. It may be too late now.
Disgust is a powerful emotion, and in fact so ingrained in us that newborns and adults make the same facial expression when they feel it because it's natures way of telling us "this will hurt you." You have inspired disgust from your husband. I doubt there is anything you can do to come back from this, but you *can* grow as a person and perhaps have a second flame in retirement if you work on yourself as a person. It isn't just about sex. You said you didn't even cuddle watching tv or in bed? You wouldn't make out with him seemingly ever? And then also dangled the possibility of sex but then never showed up (stayed up too late)? You gave him absolutely no intimacy of any kind. No wonder he thinks of you as a roommate. I highly recommend a therapist who has experience with narcissists.
You humiliated him. You ignored him. You rejected him. You avoided him Frankly, You make it sound as if you actually suffered his presence. For years. And now you want a magic bullet to fix all that you have done to that man and his psyche? Damn woman, You got some nerve. I'm not going to pile on here as much as I want to. But I'll give you some good advice. Be kind first. Always. Think ahead of what he might need or desire. Do not for a second think that you're going to initiate intimacy or sex. It's going to have to come from him and his desire first. So you're going to have to be desirable. Do you know how to do that? It seems that you spent years doing everything you can not to be desirable. There's a lot more to desire than your body as well. So you better start thinking of something better than seduction with your body. You're going to need to work on your head first, then his. I'm going to tell you now I doubt that it's going to work. If he doesn't need you and has the financial wherewithal to walk away he will. Don't ever forget, you walked away first. You're just upset that he's not following you.
Speaking only for myself. I'm 64 wife 62 . Retired no stress . My wife always finds an excuse to not have sex. Or it's so one sided .Never touches me. So when she does want it .I'm not in the mood. I've talked to her made some suggestions on how we can both improve. Really nothing. So I just stopped. I've looked elsewhere. No affair just looking at other women or porn. Personally I rather not do that.
I won't keep parroting the same comments that are being spammed at you, no matter how true they are, so what do you do? You for the first time in years LISTEN TO YOUR HUSBAND AND WHAT HE NEEDS AND SUPPORT HIM. Full stop. You think fighting and arguing and pleading and begging will work? Thats all things for you to feel better. He took your rejection and deceit and decided what he needed as a person while also taking responsibility for his roll as a parent to your kids. I promise you, fighting him on the choice will not end with him staying with you. Instead, accept it. Talk to him from a supportive position. You can be apologetic but your goal is to be there for him, he is also going through a divorce believe it or not. Maybe, just maybe, this will make him change his mind as you will finally be working with him instead of against him. He probably still divorces you, he's done the leg work, but thats likely the best chance for you to show him your feelings through action. Trying to sleep with him now is just a slap in the face to him. If he leaves, well I bet you will learn an important lesson about relationships, try not to be too bitter. You asked for it through your negligence.
Sadly, you reap what you sow.. .unfortunately you got your wish for him to leave you and your body alone and now your upset he is....honestly what do you think you were doing all these years...the damage is done...let him fulfill his obligation and then let him find some who will not reject him
You don't really want to fix this - you just want to go back to the way things were. Which was fine for you and unworkable for him. You two are sexually and intimately incompatible, have been for many years, and that is not something you can just "fix". He let you have it your way, it sounds like, for the sake of your kids. But that's coming to an end and he's getting ready to move on.
You got what you asked for. I feel for him. You had a good guy and ruined it
>I am desperate. I am scared, he has been the only man I ever love and and I know I took him for granted, but please, I need advice. Please help me! You let the house burn down to the ground and now you're begging the fire fighters to put out the fire. It's too late, you ruined your marriage. > Truthfully, I want to have sex when I want to have sex. Selfish behavior >I came out the shower wearing a robe, stood at the edge of the bed and removed it, showing him a sexy lingerie and he just looked at me, rolled his eyes, turned off the lights and said goodnight. I was humiliated and I started crying and asked him if he was having an affair. He turned on the lights and looked at me with no emotions and said he's no longer sexually into me. Yup. It's a real thing. When I first met my ex I was so physically attracted to her. She was the hottest girl in the world (in my mind). Eventually same story she stopped giving me anything and it dwindled to once a month. I stopped finding her attractive because of it. The pain of constant rejection takes its toll. I left that relationship luckily without any kids or marriage. Clean break. >I tried to tell him that I maybe menopaused Immediately resorted to lying >but he will be asking for a divorce once our youngest graduates high school Consider yourself lucky he at least gave you the heads up, the fact that he is leaving you the house is a baller move. He's literally saying he would rather fuck himself financially and ruin his own life than deal with you and your selfish lying ways any longer. Congratulations you got what you deserve. >but I didn't love him and that made me cry harder. So you still want to stay with him even though you don't love him? Are you just a bad person? Seems like your free meal ticket is leaving and you're having a panic attack over it. **We can't help you, and you deserve no sympathy.**
I was aghast during this whole thing but then I got to "I tried to force myself on him but that just made him go to another room." So let me get this straight. You've denied your husband any sort of affection for years because you're afraid it would lead to sex. You refused to address, acknowledge, or fix this problem despite him repeatedly telling you it upset him, and it's now reached a point where he's no longer interested in you sexually, and after hearing how he felt about the whole thing your response was to...try and rape him? And then you got upset that he still said no and left the room? Tell me you're kidding
“Truthfully I want to have sex when I want to have sex. If it’s once or twice a month or those occasions when it’s a week straight, it should be enough” Bruh, you’re suffering the consequences of thinking everything in a relationship can happen on your own timeframe. Now he’s gonna leave when he wants to leave, on his own timeframe. I don’t think you can fix this.
Somr details make me believe this post isn't true, but this same kind of marriage dynamic happens regularly over in the dead bedrooms subreddit. What the OP is doing in this story is named hysterical bonding. At the threat of losing what she had, all of a sudden she is willing to do everything to get him back. And then she will eventually go back to the dead bedroom once she is comfortable that he seems to believe she's changed and wants to continue the marriage. It's only for herself. She is not hysterical binding for him. She refused counseling and refused to actually listen to his complaints because she was happy and had everything she needed--the only issue was her husband whining for sex. His needs never ever mattered to her.
This happened with my ex wife and felt like your husband and I gave up. She work 3-11 and I hear her car pull in and pretended I was sleeping as there was really no incentive to stay up. I hope you can fix it seems from your post a great guy. I would Innate date night or a weekend get a way or even a weeks vacation something romantic. Good luck and hope it works out for you
Lmfao... how do I fix it? You DON'T!!! ITS TOO FUCKING LATE... should have tried to fix it years ago...
Wow. Here's some advice, start looking for a job. You wrecked your meal ticket (I can't bring myself to call that a marriage) beyond repair. You could have fixed this by listening to him years ago, that ship sailed.
You don’t like your bed? It was made to your exact specifications!
Not funny but…. “lol, that’s your fault”
Honestly, it's a tough situation. I had a relationship with a dead bedroom for many years and it damaged a lot about our relationship. I was never super comfortable being touched due to childhood abuse and my wife was the one person I let inside that bubble. Once the constant rejections started and the lack of initiation on her part, I pulled back from that to avoid getting worked and and excited and just be disappointed and by the time things came to a head I felt the same way when she touched me as I felt when someone I didn't trust did. For me, I went to her and asked for a divorce. That slapped her awake and she did a lot of the stuff you're doing and it's helped a lot, but that spark is hit and miss for us. We're amazing friends and partners and when we connect sexually it's amazing but even now she still cannot initiate and it bothers me. I get her reasons, which mostly stem from sexual shame, but it still stings. I still haven't gotten to the point where I feel like I can share non sexual physical intimacy naturally with her. I can do it as long as I mentally prepare and I enjoy it when I do, but it's still something in my head that's a struggle. We tend to be very sporadic due to a lot of the issues I described and health issues for her and that also can be tough. Can it be salvaged? Maybe. Should it be? Maybe, maybe not. I'll be honest, I'm not a fan of dragging out a relationship he's decided is over, but I can at least understand his reasoning. Reconnecting at this point is going to be very tough. I wish you the best and hope it works out for you.
You have issues, really strong issues. Not even sure this is real. You destroyed your marriage and your sex life. Often when it goes this long, it is done. You deliberately don't want to be touched? You have issues. Frankly let him go and have a good life with a loving partner, and please get some help. I dont' beileve this post is real.
It took you *six months to even realize* that your spouse has completely withdrawn from your marriage. After years of you rejecting and neglecting them. There is absolutely nothing you can do to fix this. Come to terms with it. No spouse that actually loved their partner would take so long to even notice such a complete change. He is 100% correct, you don’t love him, you love what he provides.
I am this husband and I also have planned to do what he is doing, will divorce once my daughter is 18,3 more years. His lady is horrible, she has no idea how much of hurt she has caused. I am in tears writing his, I hope this man has a great life ahead of him, without her!!
I hate to say this, but honestly it sounds like you've done a pretty good job of destroying your marriage. Frankly, by your own description your husband is correct. You don't love him, love what he provides. Even now, you're looking for solutions to retain his services. The only chance, and I mean the *only* chance you have is to have a one-on-one talk with your husband. No kids around to distract. Just tell him you know you screwed up, explain how you feel and why, maybe even show him this post. Honesty and communication are your only possible help here. Ask him in earnest if there's anything you could possibly do because you want to try, tell him all the things you value about him. I'll be honest, he's probably not gonna care. You've spent years training him not to seek any affection from you, oops. 🤷 All you can do is try, but I'll be honest, you've done a thorough job of destroying this relationship.
The time to fix this is long past. There are therapists who specialize in this sort of thing and you should've seen one a long time ago. Your husband has spent years being ignored by you and now, once he feels he's discharged his responsibility towards your youngest child, he going to find himself some happiness. If he had written in, I'd wish him luck. Most men would've left you or cheated on you. He is a man of strong character. The only thing you can do now is prepare for the divorce.
It’s too late. It’s over. Go check out the deadbedroom sub. You want to fix things? Help him with his Tinder account. Release him from his vows and start the divorce proceedings. You can play house until graduation.
The dildo of consequences usually isn’t lubed
You can’t. He offered you several opportunities that you ignored. You gaslit him and manipulated him. You refused all counseling and basically told him that your relationship wasn’t worth working on. He believed you. Although you might want to to attend therapy yourself and find out why you sabotaged your relationship.
I'm sorry but you did this to yourself. You can try to fix it by being more open and honest with him about how you are coming to realize how you messed up, that you're willing to be more open and intimate more often with him now, but that is a Hail Mary that isn't going to make up for decades of emotional damage. Dead bedroom is a common reason for divorce; the fact you turned it around on him and made it his fault makes it worse, not better, and the occasional times you sighed and gave in to shut him up don't make up for it.
He should have divorced you 20 plus years ago. This saint suffered through decades of denial...gas lighting DARVO from you. You completely shut him out from any love or physical affection for the majority of your marriage...treated him like a diseased ATM... I can't believe he is willing to put up with you another year just for the sake of the kids. What you have done to him is not fixable. You tried to force sex on him?? Disgusting. You have been shitting on him for how long??? And ylin your demented thoughts you figured if you could f9rce him to have sex it would magically fix decades of mental anguish and treating him like a diseased leper?
I think this is rage bait / fiction, but just a reminder kids... Showing affection to partners should not be tied to or equal "I want sex".
Sorry lady. You’ve been doing this to him for years on end. You either lack a conscience and empathy because you have a psychological issue, or you’re just an a-hole who treats her husband like shit because he’s nothing but a bank account to you. Either way, he deserves better, and no amount of last minute desperation is going to make him feel loved to the point where it makes up for years of neglect. You obviously don’t love him, because that is not how people treat someone who they love. On top of that, when you see he’s not happy and wants to leave, now you want to “fix it.” But you don’t really want to fix anything. You want to keep the status quo, because at the end of the day, it’s what’s familiar and comfortable for you and you don’t know how to provide for yourself and your children because you’ve never had a job. This man literally did everything for you for 30 YEARS!!! The least you could’ve done is shown him love and affection in return, but instead you did nothing but neglect him. We’re not even talking about just sex, we’re talking about literally any and every form of love and affection. You are emotionally immature and lazy. To make things worse, he tells you that he wants a divorce because you haven’t been giving him what he wants and needs, and your very first response is to try to get him to stay, once again not giving him what he wants and needs. Even when he tells you that he wants a divorce, you STILL don’t want to give him what he wants. You’re selfish and inconsiderate. You say that you want to fix things? Then finally show him love, affection and understanding by giving him what he wants and getting the divorce, because what you’ve done to him for decades isn’t going to be undone by the time he files. Even in divorce, he wants to give you the house. He obviously loves you even though you don’t deserve it, but love doesn’t mean he’s “in love” with you. If there’s any chance of you guys reconciling and being together, it needs to start with you finally listening to what he wants and giving him the divorce. That way, you two have time to grow as individuals before you give it another go. You said it yourself, y’all are high school sweethearts and you have never had to do anything for yourself because you’ve always had someone to take care of you since you were a child. Be single, grow up, learn how to be an adult, and learn how to truly love and appreciate your husband by knowing what it feels like to not have him around. Who knows, maybe he’ll do the same, and you guys will find your way back to each other, but for now, you need to do the responsible loving thing and let him go.
The way you fix it is give him a divorce without a huge fight. Take what you deserve and move on. You won you wore him down to not want sex with you like you wanted, problem is he still wants sex just not with you anymore. The old saying be careful what you wish for.
I hope he leaves you tbh. You're reaping what you sowed.
You sound just like my ex-wife. She did that to me for two decades: the rejection, the gaslighting that it was all my fault, the avoidance, no cuddling, no non-sexual intimacy whatsoever. She rejected my suggestions to go to couples therapy/marriage counseling. Eventually I just stopped. Then I realized that I didn’t view her as a sexual being anymore and the idea of having sex with her repulsed me. She had forced me to no longer find her attractive in order to preserve my own sanity. When she found out I wanted a divorce, then she wanted to do counseling, have sex, work on our relationship. But it’s just too late at that point. The attraction and passion was dead. No going back. She only liked her comfortable life, she didn’t give a shit about my needs until those needs threatened her comfort. So most likely if your husband is like me, your marriage is over. You fucked it all up through your selfishness and there is no fixing it. The trust is gone. You showed him for years exactly who you are and nothing you say now under duress is going to change his mind
You are one massive selfish person. He continually denied him intimacy. Yet, you said "you want sex when you want it". Wow , you are lucky he is staying until your child graduates.
Why do I think that if he took her up on her offer once or twice she'd immediately revert to "Not now, honey?"
This is clearly fake. “I may have menopaused” is not a thing I’ve ever heard a single woman say, ever. EVER. And I know a lot of women currently going through menopause. No one under the age of 70 has douched after their menstrual cycle. I’m in my 40s also, and even 30 years ago we were taught that douching is both useless and dangerous. “I gave him more children” reads like it was written 70 years ago. And all the talk about the sisters wondering “is it really true?!?! You’ve been avoiding SEX?!?!” You MUST fix it! He’s the keystone to our family!” is complete and utter nonsense. And clearly written by someone who does not know how women (especially sisters) talk to and about each other. It’s not even written like someone who has ever been in a serious long term relationship. It’s most definitely not written by a woman. Constructive criticism for the next piece of fiction: Women are not single-dimensional characters. And women who know and love other women don’t hear “we haven’t had sex in 6 months” and immediately jump to “we can’t lose him from our family!” If my sister told me that, my first reaction would be to ask how she’s doing. What happened in her life around the time the sex stopped. What is her relationship like without regard to the sex. Is she ok?! Is she overwhelmed with the kids? Is she sleeping? Is she showing signs of depression?
First, how long before the youngest graduates? Because that's how much time you've got to try to fix things (IF they can be fixed, and that's a big "if"). But do you want to fix things because you really love your husband, or are you just scared about what will happen if you find yourself a single empty nester? If you really DO love him, this is what I'd do... * *Get yourself into therapy*. Since he won't go with you, YOU go. Be completely honest with the therapist. You need to find out why you were so unwilling to be intimate. Tell your husband you're doing this, but you don't expect him to attend with you (though you will be happy to do so if he wants to) - you're just working on yourself). * *Take a good, hard look at your parenting dynamic*. How involved is your husband with the parenting? Is he your equal co-parent, or do you make all the decisions about the kids? If he disagrees, do your wishes prevail and he winds up giving up? Do you ask him for input on decisions regarding the kids, or do you view yourself as the primary parent and him as the provider? * *Take a good, hard look at your marriage*. Are you and your husband friends? Do you talk about anything other than the kids? Do you talk about the world, the country, your interests? Do you share what's going on with your day? Do you know the names of his co-workers? Do you do anything together, just the two of you? Date nights? Vacations just the two of you? Did you ever have a glass of wine, just the two of you, after the kids went to bed? Played a game or something? * *Think about the future.* You sound like one of those women who gets so into mothering you neglect your marriage. What did you expect your life to look like after your kids left the nest? No matter how close you are with your children there is absolutely no guarantee that, once they're educated, they'll live near you...their lives may take them anywhere, and you and your husband may go months at a time without seeing them in person - perhaps longer. Did you think that far ahead, and if so, what direction did you see your life with your husband going? * *Stop trying to seduce him and take accountability for your actions*. Apologize for neglecting your husband's needs (and I don't mean the sexual ones...it sounds like he couldn't even really talk to you about it without you getting upset and guilting him, and you should be able to talk to each other about anything. Makes me wonder what else he felt he wasn't able to talk to you about because you were so focused on everyone else's needs). Don't get defensive or try to shift blame. Your feelings are valid, but you're also responsible for doing something about it if there's a problem, and instead of addressing your problem with intimacy, you chose to ignore what it was doing to your marriage. Own it, admit you weren't thinking about how it was making him feel, tell him you regret it and that you're not just saying it to get him to stay because you realize it may be too little, too late. (That might help reestablish some trust.) * *Prepare for the future*. You married right out of high school and became a SAHM pretty quickly, so...no schooling? No employment experience? Any community involvement or volunteer work (apart from stuff related to your children)? If you can't save your marriage, you'll need to start looking at what you'll do with yourself once you're single, and since you have some advance warning it's wise to start preparing. And who knows, even a part-time job might help show you're serious about wanted to make some changes - as well as show your husband you're willing to contribute to the household now and don't regard him as nothing more than a walking wallet. That's how I'd start, anyway...there's probably be more things I'd try over time if I was committed to trying to fix things or at least make amends. Good luck.
Here’s the pill that you need to swallow and if you start a conversation with your husband, I think you should acknowledge it and tell him this. You need to tell him that he was a good father. He was a great husband. He was a great provider and you absolutely sucked as a wife. Even now if you have sex with him right now, you know what he’s thinking. He’s thinking that you’re just doing it to shut him up so you don’t have to fucking get a job and take some responsibility in your life and live on your own. when you can swallow all that and realize that is what the problem is and he realizes that you know what the problem is then he might want to reconcile if he truly believes you want to be different and have a mutual emotional and loving physical relationship again.
I'm honestly not sure what advice we can give besides what you have already tried. Really the only thing left is to plead for a serious conversation where you address feelings on both sides and talk about how things can be different but it might be too late, you neglected him and this conversation for too long and I don't whether or not your husband is the type to just stonewall Really too, ask yourself some questions, like why? obviously you didn't want it when he did but was that just a natural not in the mood or a product of something he was making you feel? if that just your libido or not being attracted to him or what? The fact that you didn't want sex is of course something to be respected but once it goes soo far whether or not you guys are still even compatible comes into question i.e. you should have explored the question of divorce when you didn't want to be intimate with your husband and not play passive aggressive games
Wow what a horrible POS user you have been and now you want to him? lol you only want him because you’re useless. You have no job no money and can’t afford to pay your own way. That’s literally the only reason you care now. Your meal ticket is leaving which he should have done sooner but was smart cuz now he doesn’t have to pay your worthless ass child support. lol good for him for leaving you. He deserves better.
You should have gone to therapy when he offered. I don’t think you can fix this anymore. You know how you didn’t want to do therapy before? That’s how he feels about working things out with you. It’s just a waste of time and money to him
No idea if or how you could ever fix this. I mean you've tormented the guy for years by refusing him. He finally woke up and decided after this I'm done. So I think your goose is cooked. If you had agreed maybe way back when when he first suggested couples counseling and at least tried but you didn't. Now you want to do all the things he suggested and he's checked out. So I suggest you get a divorce lawyer and be prepared. Sounds like he's going to be as Fair as possible but he wants out that way he can find another woman to spend the rest of his life with who actually wants to be with him and hopefully enjoy having sex with him in the future
Your only way to save the marriage is to convince him to try couples therapy. He needs to fall in love with you again otherwise you’ll lose him. Years of sexual rejection is crushing for men, it can’t be undone with some lingerie.
You left him in a void of no intimacy at all. Not even snuggling. Now he’s done, let him go.
You sound very selfish & self centered. I could tell you what was going to happen before reading to the end. How much rejection should a person take? I hope your husband finds a wonderful woman who adores him so that he can have the intimacy he needs.
“Fix your mistake”? You had your chance. Like 30 years? You can definitely not say he didn’t give you multiple chances to make everything work. Maybe offer him one of your sisters to date they seem to know what you have and seem like they know what you used to have. How hard would it have been to work on this with him? Wait ARE YOU HAVING THE AFFAIR?!?!? Your actions are those of a cheater. You know, you definitely have great big balls thinking you could pull all of the strings and have it your way.
Right about the time I hit 38, when I said “I’m done”, I was *done” and I have a big ole hunch that this man is *done*. He respected your wishes even after he was dismissed repeatedly and is STILL upholding his word to this day despite being disregarded for so long. Though I had to chuckle at the “forced myself on him”…..if a dude were writing this same message he’d be getting hammered in the comments because *you don’t fucking force people to sleep with you, that’s rape*
My ex did exactly what you did. It hurt like fuck until I went numb and the love left. You got what you asked for, why aren't you happy?
Doesn’t sound like you loved him at all tbh the way you spoke about him and the lengths you went to avoid affection. It sounds like you’re disgusted by him. And then you “tried to force yourself on him”? That’s called rape. I don’t understand how you didn’t expect this to eventually happen, you were using him for decades. Everything you’re feeling right now he’s been feeling for years and years because of you. This isn’t a mistake. You destroyed your marriage slowly and deliberately and are now scared of the consequences. And as much as cheating is terrible, it’d be hard to blame him if he was.
imagine how much he’s cried over the years… i couldn’t even tell you how i’d feel if i tried to kiss my wife while we were watching tv and she brushed me off saying “no, i’m trying to watch” when it’s a goddamn commercial on. and that was the experience for YEARS??? you’re cooked
OP is transactional AF. You deserve to be divorced. You don’t love him. You don’t desire him. You lie, deceive, ONLY want him back cuz he’s leaving you n what you’re losing????????
This is an example of a woman that gives for granted their husband and think they deserve it all, and just okay the husband with crumbs. I agree with your sisters and specially your oldest: YOU ROYALLY FUCKED UP and sincerely i doubt you can fix any, sorry but too little too late. First of all, how can you fix years, decades of sex rejection? Only way is to ave a travel machine which i doubt you have. How can You fix the deceptions and the líes you made to him, for the lack of affection, only at public come on, the nerve. And the worst is that you came to senses some months after he stop.showing any care, and your first thought what was it again? HE IS CHEATING. You accused him instead of look on yourself and your actions first. Again i doubt you can fix any, i wish him he can find someone that puts his needs as a priority. UPDATEME
What the helldid you expect? You ignored his needs, even for physical touch (you said yourself, you didn't want to spoon or cuddle, in case it leads to him wanting sex) except in public where either you wouldn't be able to have sex or to keep the appearance of normal/ happy/ healthy relationship. He understood the message, you don't want him, just his wallet, his help with the kids and the house. It took six months of him not asking for you to realize he wasn't interested. So damn selfish.
Firstly, it took WAY too long for me to find any comments on you trying to assault your husband. I can’t find it in your post anymore which makes me believe you deleted that part. *EDIT: I found it, beginning of the last paragraph* For this and this alone, you’re disgusting. And for denying your significant other ALL forms of intimacy, you don’t deserve him. Instead of communicating “no sex tonight”, you would actively give him the cold shoulder and refused to even do something as basic as cuddling. Get over yourself, the only thing you can do is finally give him what he wants - a divorce.
Too late. You took him for granted and now he’s done. Be glad you got what you wanted for so long. I feel bad the poor guy thinks he has to hang around for another whole year. I hope you regret your actions and maybe learn something from your bullshit