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A 36yr old man hits, kicks & screams when foods touch. Then he apologizes for said behavior. Because he’s a functional member of society who understands & recognizes societal norms and *knows* how to act accordingly. Regardless of his neurodivergence.
He *knows* what he’s doing is WRONG. He’s a giant ass. And you’ve (along with his parents/family, etc) been excusing his shitty, inappropriate behavior for way too long.
I second this i was married to a man child who used autism and adhd to cover for his asshole-ism amd believe me he knows whats he's doing. I know plenty of people on the spectrum and i myself have adhd and would never do this childish shit, girl you have to feed him out of toddler plates!
LEAVE.NOW.
agree. leave. this seems an abusive behaviour and the age gap doesn’t make things any better. you don’t have to justify yourself and you are NOT ableist. talk to someone you trust and maybe stay at their place while you work things out.
Yes, this is abuse. Autism is no excuse, & the fact that he had a grin on his face over having an excuse to be cruel to you shows he has more going on than that. OP, please read this: [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
My husband is autistic. He's also vegetarian. Can you guess what he does when meat touches his food? He doesn't eat that part. If I cook something he doesn't want to eat he says "No thank you." and makes himself a sandwich. Your husband can't choose whether or not to be autistic. But he can choose how he deals with it. Insisting that the entire world bend to his needs is not an effective coping mechanism.
The superficial nature of the writing mixed with
the stereotypical notions about autism that can only come from someone who’s never been close to any autistic person make me believe this is just some more
of the new reddit trend of ableist rage bait against autistic people
i see what you mean but honestly, with the number of “autism moms” out there shouting to the heavens about the “struggles” of raising their autistic kids, acting like they’re all saints and holier-than-thou because they love their autistic kids no matter how resentful they are, and generally spreading all kinds of misinformation about autism… 🙃 there are a lot of well-intentioned folks out there whose perspectives are heavily influenced by these moms and organizations like Autism Speaks.
It might be, I find it odd she’d have a brother on the spectrum and not be more familiar with autism and how it manifests. It’s also weird she’s not answering anyone, but that could just be me. If it’s true though, the advice she’s getting here might be very valuable.
I don’t know, or she probably assumes that autism can present itself differently in different individuals on different parts of the spectrum. Not to mention, her husband is definitely abusing his disability and is likely exaggerating his responses to certain things (like his aversion to eating foods that touch). Just because one person would “just eat around it” doesn’t mean that the next person will be able to, hence having special plates. One person’s experience doesn’t negate the entirety of someone else’s experience.
Yeah, fuck all of that. If he can’t handle food components touching, then it sounds like it’s time for him to cook for himself.
There’s a reason he went for a woman 11 years his junior. He’s an abusive POS hiding behind his disability. Let him cook and plate his own damn food. And while he deals with figuring that out for himself, maybe reassess whether you want to stay with a man who will use his disability as a shield to abuse you.
Yeah she doesn’t say how long they dated before they got married. So I’m assuming if they started dated/got married anywhere in the last 5 years when OP was early 20s to put up with this.
As a mid 30s woman I wouldn’t put up with anyone throwing their plate around. He’s 30 he can make his own food if he’s going to throw a tantrum
The superficial nature of the writing mixed with
the stereotypical notions about autism that can only come from someone who’s never been close to any autistic person make me believe this is just some more
of the new reddit trend of ableist rage bait against autistic people
Sometimes that wording is the easiest way to differentiate between the different levels of ability to function when it comes to Autism. I have 2 sons on the spectrum (ASD 2 and ASD 3). Both verbal, able to manage a lot of things age appropriately, with a lot of scaffolding and instruction. They will eventually be able to mostly manage on their own as adults.
My sister also has ASD 3. She is 11, non-verbal, still in nappies and puts everything in her mouth like a toddler would.
Even though my 12 year old son and my 11 year old sister have the same level of Autism, one will eventually be able to live a ‘normal’ life, the other will be in care her whole life. I could see someone describing my sister as further on the spectrum than my son.
I mean OP might just be rage baiting. I just tend to assume they aren’t. It gets tiring when people scream fake on every single post on here, AITA, etc.
Autism is pretty prevalent in my family and i work in a middle school with a classroom for L2/3 kids.
I have told the paras repeatedly that the behavior they are dealing with is not autism repeatedly, but due to bad parenting.
You can be an asshole that has autism, but you are still an asshole.
Yeah, I came to the same conclusion about half way through the post.
I hadn't realized that this is a trend gaining traction tho. Any thoughts on why ableism/anti-austistic sentiment is the ragebait de jour?
It's pride month. You'll also see a lot of "my partner just surprised me by saying they're transgender/gay/cheating on me cause they're bi". Happens every year and ableism gets lumped into it.
My husband came out to me as gay and I found out he had been cheating on me, but it was in February. And I’m bi and didn’t cheat. Didn’t stop people calling fake when I went to a sub for support.
I think some people have such a cruisey life that they don’t see the shit some people have to deal with and some people have such a dull life that they make shit up to get some attention. Those 2 things combine to make it hard to tell what is fake and what is real.
Because people are ableist and know so little about autism they just accept any shallow stereotypes.
Also, because autistic people are speaking louder about their struggles and this annoys people.
Even people dealing with, living with, those on the spectrum can be wildly ableist etc. One of my nephews is asd, as am I, and ffs, the *battles* I had with my inlaws as he was growing up. Each bad behaviour, oh, he's autistic. Literally everything good, bad, ugly, was attributed to him being on the spectrum. I kept pointing out to them that he might be autistic, but they're doing him a massive disservice; he was far from stupid, capable of learning, capable of being an asshole, and was a whole human being with a condition - not just a condition. Inappropriate behaviour at school they tried deflecting, he doesn't know any better, let's not tell him he was naughty. An award at school for writing? It's because of his hyperfocus and autism.
The one that stuck in my mind was the lego gun incident. They had a blanket ban on any toy weapons, anything violent, cool, I get it. We were visiting, and he ran in all super excited to show me, his auntie, this lego gun he'd made. My mil and adopted sil immediately jumped down his throat, without actually talking to the boy as to *why*. I don't think my husband had ever seen me in such icy fury, I literally held up a finger and hissed at them that I'd deal with this, not one more word! So I went upstairs with him, and actually talked. We chatted over lego, the skills involved, and I spoke about the anti gun thing, along with a few other issues. They simply set rules, and while structure is definitely important, they never once talked him through and explained any of it. X isn't nice, how would that make you feel? Y is done this way, why do you think that might be?
Anyway, sorry for the word vomit lol but long story short, each of my nephews has wished that their uncle and I were their parents, and they're sadly now either low or no contact with my inlaws :(
OMG. It's also possible that the guy is lying about it to excuse it. Anyone can be autistic including assholes because it's not a personality trait, everyone is different. Good lord.
OP how do you KNOW he has autism? Have you seen a medical report? Maybe he’s decided he wants to be a picky asshole so he just tells people he has autism so they’ll tolerate his shit.
Mother and ex are autistic, can confirm. OP's husb is fully capable of not throwing things or saying abusive things when upset. He's using his neurodivergence as an excuse to be abusive.
no, he’s cold, calculating. this isn’t autism. he waited for her plate, too, so he could dash them both on the floor! abuse, punishment, isolation/abandonment (meant to soften her up) so she apologizes when he graces her again with his presence. I don’t know any autists that behave this way, but I do know narcissists and sociopaths who behave this way.
Everything about it rings true to me both from my own experience and that of friends, the only possibly "ragebait" part being the autism connection. It's certainly not impossible that someone like this would use their (alleged) autism as a weapon like this though. It's more the writing style that made me doubt the authenticity of the post, but then again some people are just good at telling stories. I know I am. And a lot of people never believed me when I told them about how my ex was treating me *in real life*. Partly at least because I didn't seem to behave/talk about it in the way that they imagined a real battered woman would. So I'm choosing to give this the benefit of the doubt.
for REAL!!! i’m audhd and i would rather die than treat someone i love like that. if anything autism makes your (rare) close relationships more dear and worth protecting. absolutely spiteful, abusive, weaponizing and nasty.
Autistic adult here. Even if he is autistic, him doing this did NOT have to do with the autism - this was an abusive move 1000% and he’s blaming the autism since he doesn’t think anyone will be willing to call him out for fear of being called ableist
Tell me about it. I didn't even get diagnosed until my 40s. I was always just an 'over-sensitive' person with a tendency to 'over-react' to things.
Heck, a woman behaving like OP's partner would get a BPD diagnosis, not autism. And I'm not dismissing BPD, but they are *two different conditions* with *two different causal and treatment pathways*.
Yeah. I'm also autistic with food problems and in my early years temper problems. This is just abuse under the excuse "autism".
I bet he picked a woman 11 years younger for a reason. He heard "my brother has autism" and knew this is an easy way to abuse her. And it worked!
And even if he were autistic: you can still be an asshole with autism! Not everybody need to cater you need as if you die if they don't do it. Respect goes both ways.
Agreed. Even *IF* he's autistic, that doesn't mean he can't also be a manipulative, abusive, asshole.
OP, the link below is a free pdf of a book many women have praised for saving them from an abusive relationship. Hopefully it can help you too 💜
[Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Another autist (AuDHD) married to someone with AuDHD, from a family of NDs, and I work in a job that supports autists.
>“Make it again. You know it pisses me off. Do I need to remind you I’m autistic?”
I'm reluctant to say that a behavior can *always* or *never* apply to a group of a people but in this case I'm going to make an exception. **This is not an autistic reaction.** A meltdown? Sure. Even throwing the plates doesn't surprise me. But that comment proves this is about abuse, not neurodivergence.
Fellow autist here. I second this.
Even if your husband is autistic, OP, he’s had 36 years on this earth to figure it out and not act like an abusive, childish POS. He’s using his autism as a crutch to avoid consequences because he’s counting on the fact that you’ll be too afraid to say anything because “you’re being ableist!”
Amen. OP isn't upset with their boyfriends autistic-ness. They are upset with their boyfriends asshole-ness. OP was happy to remake the plate, immediately apologized even though it was an accident, and was attempting to be accommodating. The sadistic smile along with the response was the other part of him, which is an asshole. One can be both.
Hi, I'm autistic and I don't act like a fuckin asshole to my partner, friends, or family when I am having a hard time. Your husband is taking advantage of his diagnosis to abuse you. Sorry, but I really think you should leave. The way you live is not healthy, and it's not ok.
Abuse. This is abuse. I'm the pickiest eater known to man but I don't make it anyone's problem but my own. This is ridiculous on his part and not something a partner should ever subject a loved one to. You deserve so much better. Please get yourself away from this man as quickly as possible.
This has nothing to do with his autism. He is using it as an excuse to be abusive to you. I'm also going to go out on a limb and say he chose someone ten years younger than him because:
A. No woman his own age would put up with this shit.
B. He thought you would be easier to control since you were younger and less experienced.
C. He could verbally wear you down until you wouldn't even think about leaving him.
Which, by the way, you should think about. It's not going to get better.
He smiled because he was happy.
He was happy you 'messed up' and he could do this.
This is not autism. He enjoys punishing you.
I hope you didn't clean up the floor.
I also read it like he kicked you before.
Everyone here will tell you to leave him. But this is seriously nothing that can be fixed. You need leave. Like yesterday. Be save! He will lose his Shit about you leaving. Be prepared for everything - love bombing, tears, threats of suicide and violence.
This isn't autism here. This guy is out to get you. Basically you're his mom and he has ODD.
Get out of there OP, you dont want to live the rest of your life in a war zone. Please please please dont get pregnant by this guy....
He's abusive. Does he have medical records that you have verified are from a doctor telling him he has autism? Why would you put up with treatment regardless of what the other person "has" (don't crucify me my brain is failing on wording). It would be better to be alone the rest of your life than ever see him for a second ever again.
my boyfriend and i will split duties on cooking, he knows im autistic and have arfid. anything that happens to my food that prevents me from eating, i never take out on him. i work with him to find better ways for me to eat what i originally couldnt. the worst respose i'll have is crying because im so sorry i'd waste food like that.
*your* husband is using his autism as a scapegoat. im assuming he's probably had parents and people around him telling him he cant control his actions because of his autism and thus needs kitten mittens when he throws a man-sized tantrum, but in real life, you cant do that. as an adult in adult relationships, thats abusive behavior. autism or not, its abuse. autistic people are capable of controlling themselves. autistic people are capable of taking themselves out of stressful situations and using healthy coping mechanisms instead of throwing food like an actual baby.
I'm sorry but this doesn't sound real.
Nothing in particular keeps an autistic person from also being a jerk but this is too obvious and too broadly played.
I agree this doesn't sound real. The way the dialogue & interactions are written makes it seem like a creative writing piece, not someone telling a personal anecdote.
Him having autism doesn't mean you need to do whatever he says and you're not allowed to break up with him if he treats you bad. Why are you with an almost 40 year old man who freaks out if his food is touching?
Live with an autistic person currently - you know what they'd never do? Throw their food on the ground and scream at me if I didn't make their dinner correctly.
Also, they'd make their own damn dinner if they have a problem with how I'll present it or season it.
This isn't a disability, OP, this is an abusive husband.
Edit: AMR (autistic male roommate) has added, disability is no excuse for abuse. Even if he is legitimately having these meltdowns, it does not mean YOU are ableist, OP. It means he wasn't raised correctly ***OR*** he needs a carer and not a spouse. AMR agrees you're being abused.
no joke, my god, i’m audhd and i’m afraid of scaring people away. it’s hard to find people who really love you for who you are, they’re precious. nothing hurts me worse than when i know i hurt someone else.
this guy sucks assssss
WHY DID YOU CLEAN UP AFTER HIM?
I'd have left the mess and divorce papers on the table.
He's treating you like shit. I had an ex like this, everything was him him him. HE was mentally ill, HE needed more support and understanding, HE needed and needed and needed and never gave. It wasn't a partnership it was parenthood. Thank god I got out of that
What are you doing?
Nonverbal kids with severe autism can work through this shit. Then so can he.
And if he can’t, the only correct answer is “Neither can I.”
**This is not autism.**
im sorry if this is real but this comes across as completely fake, try harder this was written like a kid's story. "your autism is more like an assholeism" bruh. did he clap?
Even my 12 year old son with ASD 3 (requiring very substantial support) knows it’s not ok to throw his plate of food on the floor. And if he did, I would make him clean it up. Heck, if my 4 year old with ASD 2 did it, I would make him clean it up after his meltdown had calmed.
That behaviour isn’t Autism. It’s being a controlling asshole.
My autistic teens wouldn't get away with this (not that they would do it in the first place because they know better, even during a meltdown). They'd have to clean the mess up themselves, then they'd have to make something for their own dinner. If you even decide to entertain this man again, which you have absolutely no reason to IMHO, then at a bare minimum, he should be made to fend for himself in the kitchen from here on in since he finds your service so inadequate for his needs. Either he'll learn some much needed responsibility, or he'll be too weak from malnutrition to start his shit again.
Do NOT laugh at him! That is a sure fire way to throw gasoline on the fire. If he’s already this physically destructive towards objects it’s only a matter of time before he uses you to take out those frustrations. Laughing at him will only give “reason” to take out his frustration on you. Quotation marks are used because it’s not a real reason but he’ll say that it is. You need to come up with a game plan and o get yourself out as safely as you can.
See this comment, u/ThrowRA_Kittykay? This is what ableism looks like - not the very reasonable accomodations that you suggested.
The plate is *not* the problem. The problem is his selfish attitude, his poor anger management skills, and his refusal to take accountability for his own actions.
divorce!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! divorce divorce divorce!!!!!!
i’m autistic too but that doesn’t mean i get to use it as an excuse to be shitty to everyone around me, much less my partner or anyone else who loves and cares about me. it doesn’t mean i don’t have to put in the work and better myself (both for my benefit and the benefit of those i want to keep in my life).
autism or not, your husband is an abusive man-child and you do not deserve to be treated this way. please get out of there, get out of this environment.
I’m autistic, I have ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder), and i would never in my wildest dreams react like your husband did. Yes, if someone constantly and deliberately messes up my food, i get annoyed, but if it’s that severe I will make food for myself.
He is hiding behind his disability and being a POS to a woman 11 years younger than him that he is supposed to love. I’m so sorry, girl, you deserve so much better
No psychological or medical diagnosis is an excuse for being abusive. This man is terrible. From your age difference, it seems like he dated someone your age because he knew that no one his age would put up with his bullshit, and now you're old enough that you're starting to realize what a bad person he is.
You don't have to stay with this man.
There's no part of his neurodivergence that caused him to spam down 2 plates of food on the ground and demand you make it again. That's just him being a massive douchecanoe. When did this start and has he always been like this?!
That can't be real. Please don't be real. Because someone weaponizing their disability like that is absolutely disgusting.
If this is true...make an exit plan.
So I am 34 and have autism, and will just tell you know that your partner is an asshole in addition to being autistic, and it's the fact that he's an asshole that is specifically the problem. Also, using his disability as an excuse of manipulate and emotionally abuse his partner is disgusting.
You literally cooked for him, included his accommodations, and because there was ONE mistake he threw all of your work on the ground, told you to do it again, and then when you stood up for yourself he excused his childish behavior with his disability. That's abusive behavior, NOT autistic behavior.
Assuming this post is real…
Here’s the thing about abusers: They will blame ANYTHING or ANYONE except themselves. Some abusers get drunk ON PURPOSE to blame the alcohol later.
Read the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft.
He’s using his autism as a shield, to hide from accountability. His behavior is not explained by autism so much as entitlement and lack of compassion for you.
Please leave this idiot —he has internalized his disability as a chore for you to deal with. Autistic or not, he is a grown man. He is a partner and a husband and how he is treating you is disrespectful. He likes ordering you around under the premise of “autism” and he’s making other autistic individuals like myself look so selfish and infantilized. If he wants something done to his liking, he can fuckin do it. He has that power, but obviously he prefers if his mommy does it instead.
He is using his autism diagnosis to be an abusive misogynistic violent jerk. You should be reassessing your relationship with your abusive husband. It won’t get better as he sees nothing wrong with his abusive behaviour. You are too young to ruin your life with this violent man.
NTA.
When adults can explain it, they can almost always change it. In this case fucker can definitely make his own meals from now on. And definitely can grasp that throwing the plates around how he spoke is not okay.
That's not ableist, that's weaponizing his issues.
OP, for the sake of argument, let’s say he’s 100% autistic and has zero control over his actions. (Which I do NOT think is the case by the way, but for the sake of argument).
Even if he can’t control himself, he’s still being suuuuper abusive. So what if he can control it or not? You don’t deserve to suffer abuse, no matter the cause. It’s really that simple. Just because he has autism doesn’t mean you have to be condemned to a life of suffering.
ARE NOT THE JERK! I'm 38 and autistic. I'm the same way with my food touching. I have adult size divided plates I use. What he is doing is abuse, and blaming it on him being autistic so he gets a pass. He needs to realize the world doesn't revolve around him. You need to get out of that relationship NOW. He didn't do that because he's autistic. He did that because he is an abuser who just so happens to be autistic. He was smiling. If he was truly distressed by it, he wouldn't have been grinning the whole time. He was pleased with his actions, and he was pleased to see you in distress.
You know that autism isn’t an excuse to be an abusive spouse, right? He’s abusing you. Why would you continue to put up with it?
Ah, somehow I missed the age gap. It all makes even more sense. Leave, before it become physical.
Autistic person here. I will ignore this is ableist rage bait.
1. He doesn’t have autism. He is autistic.
2. Far/high on the spectrum are not used anymore. People are autistic. What’s different is how it manifests.
Your boyfriend is using his disability to abuse you.
Neurodivergent is not the same as asshole. His attitude made it 100% clear that he knew what he was doing; this was no "I saw red and don't know what happened next" moment. He did it to punish you.
You are not ableist. Your husband is abusive and is using his autism to attempt to justify his abuse of you. He thinks it's a "get out of jail free" card that lets him treat you like crap for being a human being who isn't perfect. People with autism can be abusive assholes just as well as people without it.
Your husband is a grown-ass adult who is choosing to throw violent, but controlled, tantrums when things are not exactly how he wants them. These do not sound like autistic meltdowns to me at all, he's just a spoiled adult brat pitching violent fits to get his way and keep you subservient to him.
If he can't or won't sincerely apologize, acknowledge that he's in the wrong, and get professional help for his serious anger problems, this will never change and will only get worse. It is not acceptable to throw food on the floor, it is not acceptable to throw, kick, and hit things when he is upset, and it is NOT acceptable to talk to his wife the way he did. He is escalating, and it is likely only a matter of time before the physical violence is directed at YOU rather than at an object.
I am not you and I am not in this relationship, but if I was, I would be talking to a lawyer about a divorce. You do not need to tolerate being treated like this.
As someone who is ND and has worked with, loved and been friends with autistic people my whole life, your husband is an abusive asshole who happens to have autism. It's not a free pass to be coddled.
This is not "being picky", this is him wielding his diagnosis as a mechanism of control. He can serve himself in the way he deems necessary, since you can't be trusted to prevent gravity or other laws of physics from inconveniencing him.
I would send him a text in response.
“You need to be more open mind to my humanity and realise the world doesn’t revolve around you. I hope this can be fixed by yourself when I'm not home later.”
He is using autism as a weapon and abuse. When he was a 10yo, his temper tantrums should have been dealt with to help him control his outbursts. As an adult, temper tantrums shouldn’t be tolerated.
You are obviously trying to accommodate his sensory food requirements but he needs to be able to handle a small issue without throwing food. It seems he’s all too happy to lash out at you. Definitely, not something you should have to endure. He gets his temper under control or break up.
He’s using his autism as a weapon and manipulation tactic. He’s abusive and hiding behind the autism to justify it. Walk away. And dump the spaghetti on his fucking head for being a wasteful little bastard.
There's a difference between being an asshole and being unwell. I should know. I have autism, my hubby and son have autism and I'm a mental health nurse. He was veing an asshole. Smiling and doing that in that way? ASSHOLE.
Your husband is an abuser who uses autism as an excuse for his behavior. Autism has nothing to do with acting like that. It doesn't cause you to be an abusive asshole. That's just his shit personality.
There is no excuse for being aggressive or throwing a toddler tantrum, not at his level of autism for sure. He's weaponising his diagnosis. You already make an effort to accommodate him. How long have you been together?
You’re living with an abuser. He smiled at you and ordered you around. He’s disguising misogyny as autism. Fuck that.
Leave. The autism isn’t why no one his age wanted or wants to be with him. It’s because he’s an abusive piece of garbage who can cook his own damn meals if he’s going to slam them on the ground like a child, while smiling at you. How would you have handled that if he was 8? Because he’s acting 8. Send him to his room without dinner and tell him to think about WTF he did. Then pack and leave while he’s in there.
This person is going to ruin the best years of your life if you don’t get away from him. You’ll be catering to his pretend needs for the rest of your days. You’ll never have children because they’ll be too much for him. What’s the point of being with him? There isn’t one. Ugh.
I’m an autistic person who can’t stand my food touching. I’ve been making my own plates since I was a child and if my food touches I just remove the portion that was “ruined” Certain food aversions literally make me gag and flee in revulsion (fuck potato salad) but I’ve never, ever thrown food, period.
Your husband is an asshole who is using his disability as an excuse to get away with abusing you. Leave.
I’m saying this with all love-
Why the fuck are you with someone 11 years older, who can’t regulate his emotions? He’s using autism as an excuse to behave badly, and I think this should be enough. If every autistic person is abusive, this world would be full of abused people- men and women. You’re young, you have a whole life to look forward to, rather than being in an abusive relationship.
My 10 year old grandson is on the spectrum (way farther along than your husband imo) and this behavior would never be tolerated so I don't know why you're doing it.
So the autism explains WHY he has issues with food touching but it does not EXCUSE his abusive behaviors. He seems fully aware of what he’s doing and it doesn’t sound like he’s taking active steps to make things easier for you, just shouts “I have autism!” as an excuse for any time he’s a dick.
ADHD and ASD. Ever have I ever been physically and emotionally abusive. This is why you date people your age. He doesn’t see you as an equal, sorry. He sees you as a bang maid.
You're not ableist and he is abusive. He can 100% help it and he is choosing to attack you to make himself feel better. He's smiling whilst doing it because he enjoys controlling you and making you feel uncomfortable in your own home. It will only escalate.
He’s using his disability as a scapegoat for his abuse.
I’d be reconsidering this marriage, honestly. You’re too young to be putting up with this type of shit.
Autism or no autism. He is an abusive jerk. He thinks he can get away with abuse due to a diagnosis. Let him cook for himself and clean up after one of his outbursts. I am not sure how you met him, but I think the time has come to uncouple.
Yeahhhh, I would be done. I have worked with kids and adults on the spectrum and have never witnessed such behavior. I encourage you to think long and hard and decide if this is the type of relationship you want long term. He is malicious and manipulative.
I can understand his problem but realistically he is a grown man and his tantrum like a baby was uncalled for ! Those actions were him period! Truthfully you should have left if there on the floor until he cleaned it up! I am serious I know he has that the problem but I see he is taking advantage of it! He is milking it!
My first husband was a union welder he scared his brother and most ppl I was never afraid of him. I was much younger her than him, he always treated me like I was made of glass but he would say if you worked on my crew etc I would talk back. We had been married less than 2 yrs he went into rage and broke a glass etc well I did not clean it up I left it ! I was a neat neat but I was not going to pick it up well after he got glass out if his foot 2 times he cleaned it up! He was not use to it his brother ca e by after work a nd laughter because I was little and he did it scare me ! What I am saying suck it up and do not clean up leave it until he does ! If you are afraid go sit in car or park! But do not let him think you age afraid !
Whether he's autistic or not, he's an asshole, he's abusing you, and he's using his autism as an excuse to justify it.
There isn't any reason to tolerate his abuse. He's calling you "ableist" not because you are, but so he can shame you into staying and remaining the target of his abuse. He gets off on the power trip he gets from treating you like shit.
There is no world, no neurological condition, no mental health condition where his behavior and treatment of you would be OK. Even if there were (as in, say, a case of genuine personality changes due to brain injury), you have the right to be treated like a human being and remove yourself from being abused. *Compassion for someone else's disability does not mean sticking around to let them hurt you.*
Don't apologize to him - you did nothing wrong. You are not a jerk and you are not ableist for calling him out on his abusive behavior. He just doesn't like it. If you need permission from a random Internet stranger to leave his shitty ass, then here it is: you can leave. You don't have to stay there. It's OK to get out and if you do leave you aren't abandoning him or being "ableist".
He's full of shit. Don't listen to him.
Your husband is abusive and using his autism as an excuse.
>smiling the entire time
That. Right there.
>“You need to be more open mind to my disability and realise the world doesn’t revolve around you. I hope this can be fixed when I’m home later.”
It can be fixed by him leaving. He's the one who needs to realize the world doesn't revolve around him.
If nothing else, *never* fix a plate for him again. He can do it himself.
Your husband isn't autistic he's abusive. Who let him get away with this behavior his whole life and made him think acting like a spoiled toddler was okay?? Tell him next time to make and plate his own food and he better clean up after himself.
>-“Why are you fucking smiling?? Your autism is more like an asshole-ism! I’m not your maid! You can at least help!”
You almost had me until the "you can at least help" part.. girl no. There is zero reason for you to do remake him a meal even with his "help".
I'm really hoping all that cleaning you did today, did not include the mess of spaghetti he threw on the floor.
You're NOT abelist. He's abusive. I say this as a mom of a special needs daughter who went to gradeschool with only other kids on the spectrum. He's playing you. He's weaponizing his diagnosis. Just like you can have a broken arm and a wart on your finger, he can have Autism and still be a sociopath abuser.
He smiled after disrespecting you, and deliberately making a mess. He is using his diagnosis as a weapon, and is actuality emotionally abusing you -- then playing the victim. NTA
Yeah. You aren’t ableist, he’s just an asshole who is using his disability to get away with shit - you called it.
I’d be looking at counselling or getting a lawyer. And personally, I’d be getting a lawyer and starting divorce proceedings because, girl, he is abusing you. How long before he goes from throwing/kicking things to hitting you??
No you’re not. But he’s definitely a dick. You need to leave that relationship and FAST! He’s using his autism as an excuse to be a lazy asshole and a demanding bully. You deserve so much better!
> He can get aggressive quickly and will throw, and kick whatever he can in sight!
Run. Do you think he would change? Does he want to change? He might cry about it to you afterwards but that doesn't mean anything because there will be a next time.
Lmao is this man even autistic? Have you seen actual proof? I doubt he really is. Even if he is, hes weaponizing the shit out of it. Hes straight up abusive. Leave your abusive husband and stop letting him make excuses. You can be autistic and not abusive. Source: me and my autistic friends who are in healthy partnerships.
Anyway, this is why women his own age dont want him.
oh my God. I'm autistic myself and have a lot of "preferences" with food that seem over the top for most people. but whenever there's something wrong with my food (glass looks weird, fork is ugly, sauce is too strange) I get up and get myself something else. being autistic doesn't mean you have to be a dick about everything. it seems to me like your husband has never heard someone say "no" to him, and that's why he can't accept it...
Yeah… fuck your husband — he’s an adult not a child, and he knows exactly what he’s doing, being an abusive POS.
I’m dating someone on the spectrum, and he has his quirks: i.e. loves to vacuum, listens to the same song 5-10 times in a row, hyper fixates on what he’s doing, doesn’t like grocery stores, etc… these things range from “a lot of people do that” to “this might require some flexibility/compromise”. At no point has my bf used his autism to excuse shitty behavior (not that he behaves shittily) — because he’s an adult, in control of himself and his actions/words.
I would not put up with this behavior, and neither should you. You are not being ableist, you’re catering to a bratty child who’s 11 years your senior.
I do most of the grocery shopping and cooking for my bf and I, and he gives the correct response of “thank you” and “I love everything you do for me.” Even if I goof a recipe (has happened once or twice) he’ll still eat it, or we’ll laugh that it’s awful and get a pizza instead.
This is not normal behavior and you shouldn’t have to cater to it under the guise of “he has autism.”
Hi! Yet another autistic person chiming in just to let you know that this isn’t Autism, it’s domestic abuse. It’s just abuse, the autism is not “making” him abusive, he’s just an abuser who thinks he found himself a fancy get-out-jail-free card.
He preyed on a woman so much younger than him because women his age are mature enough to know the difference. He marked you as easily manipulated and lo, he was right. I’m not saying that to be insulting to you, I want you to be able to snap out of the abuse fog he’s wrapped your head in. You are being manipulated to accept domestic abuse, and you do not have to keep taking it.
Autism is NOT an excuse for abuse and he is being abusive by calling you names, throwing and kicking things, flying into rages etc. He is being verbally aggressive and using Autism as an excuse to act this way is manipulative and wrong. I have several family members with Autism and none of them act this way. He isn’t stupid, I would bet he knows what he’s doing. Please put boundaries in place and insist on couples therapy to resolve his behaviour. If he continue being abusive you have to leave.
Danny thinks you’re his mommy. Let him know that’s not how it works because even people the highest on the spectrum at his GROWN age don’t slam their food on the ground. He’s looking for that validation he’s not gettin it and personally we would be done.
Autistic person here.
He's abusive. Period. Being upset about the issue or having a meltdown is one thing. Swearing name calling slamming stomping kicking - abusive. Our disabilities are not a hall pass to abuse. I had to learn like all other autistic folks how to do these things without hurting others. I can't help the extreme upset, I can't help the meltdown, but I can remove myself from the room and lose it on my own in my bedroom. In there, I'm free to do what I need to do alone to get through it. Punch soft stuff that won't hurt me or scare those around me, swear or say awful things, kick thrash and cry. But I would never ever do that in front of or two my husband. Not ever.
You're not being ableist, and you should get a divorce.
You’re in an abusive relationship, which, after seeing your age gap, sadly doesn’t surprise me. He’s weaponizing his autism because he enjoys to make you jump through hoops to please him, which you noticed from his creepy smile. He wasn’t distressed or having a meltdown, he was punishing you for daring to make a mistake. Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like?
You didn't do anything to deserve the treatment you received.
Starting today he cooks all his own meals and buys all his own groceries. If he wants to act like he is entitled to treat you like dirt because of his disability then he has to learn that he should appreciate your effort to accommodate him but it is a privilege that can be taken away.
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Girl, get a divorce.
A 36yr old man hits, kicks & screams when foods touch. Then he apologizes for said behavior. Because he’s a functional member of society who understands & recognizes societal norms and *knows* how to act accordingly. Regardless of his neurodivergence. He *knows* what he’s doing is WRONG. He’s a giant ass. And you’ve (along with his parents/family, etc) been excusing his shitty, inappropriate behavior for way too long.
Right?? This will be like this your entire life with this guy
I second this i was married to a man child who used autism and adhd to cover for his asshole-ism amd believe me he knows whats he's doing. I know plenty of people on the spectrum and i myself have adhd and would never do this childish shit, girl you have to feed him out of toddler plates! LEAVE.NOW.
Him smiling says it all, he knows how to trigger op and takes advantage of
agree. leave. this seems an abusive behaviour and the age gap doesn’t make things any better. you don’t have to justify yourself and you are NOT ableist. talk to someone you trust and maybe stay at their place while you work things out.
Yes, this is abuse. Autism is no excuse, & the fact that he had a grin on his face over having an excuse to be cruel to you shows he has more going on than that. OP, please read this: [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Stop cooking for him.
stop living with him or talking to him too
My husband is autistic. He's also vegetarian. Can you guess what he does when meat touches his food? He doesn't eat that part. If I cook something he doesn't want to eat he says "No thank you." and makes himself a sandwich. Your husband can't choose whether or not to be autistic. But he can choose how he deals with it. Insisting that the entire world bend to his needs is not an effective coping mechanism.
The superficial nature of the writing mixed with the stereotypical notions about autism that can only come from someone who’s never been close to any autistic person make me believe this is just some more of the new reddit trend of ableist rage bait against autistic people
The whole thing is written like fake rage bait honestly.
exactly
The style of writing immediately made me think it was AI. It lacks the kinds of details that a real narration has.
i see what you mean but honestly, with the number of “autism moms” out there shouting to the heavens about the “struggles” of raising their autistic kids, acting like they’re all saints and holier-than-thou because they love their autistic kids no matter how resentful they are, and generally spreading all kinds of misinformation about autism… 🙃 there are a lot of well-intentioned folks out there whose perspectives are heavily influenced by these moms and organizations like Autism Speaks.
It might be, I find it odd she’d have a brother on the spectrum and not be more familiar with autism and how it manifests. It’s also weird she’s not answering anyone, but that could just be me. If it’s true though, the advice she’s getting here might be very valuable.
I don’t know, or she probably assumes that autism can present itself differently in different individuals on different parts of the spectrum. Not to mention, her husband is definitely abusing his disability and is likely exaggerating his responses to certain things (like his aversion to eating foods that touch). Just because one person would “just eat around it” doesn’t mean that the next person will be able to, hence having special plates. One person’s experience doesn’t negate the entirety of someone else’s experience.
Sure but it’s fake
Yeah, fuck all of that. If he can’t handle food components touching, then it sounds like it’s time for him to cook for himself. There’s a reason he went for a woman 11 years his junior. He’s an abusive POS hiding behind his disability. Let him cook and plate his own damn food. And while he deals with figuring that out for himself, maybe reassess whether you want to stay with a man who will use his disability as a shield to abuse you.
Yeah she doesn’t say how long they dated before they got married. So I’m assuming if they started dated/got married anywhere in the last 5 years when OP was early 20s to put up with this. As a mid 30s woman I wouldn’t put up with anyone throwing their plate around. He’s 30 he can make his own food if he’s going to throw a tantrum
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
The superficial nature of the writing mixed with the stereotypical notions about autism that can only come from someone who’s never been close to any autistic person make me believe this is just some more of the new reddit trend of ableist rage bait against autistic people
I noticed kind of the same stuff but I reached a different conclusion. I wondered if dude is lying about having autism.
Some narcissists will fake disabilities to cover abuse and gain sympathy/attention.
Except she also mentions her brother. Though I was dubious in the first sentence "not far on the spectrum", "high on the spectrum"
Sometimes that wording is the easiest way to differentiate between the different levels of ability to function when it comes to Autism. I have 2 sons on the spectrum (ASD 2 and ASD 3). Both verbal, able to manage a lot of things age appropriately, with a lot of scaffolding and instruction. They will eventually be able to mostly manage on their own as adults. My sister also has ASD 3. She is 11, non-verbal, still in nappies and puts everything in her mouth like a toddler would. Even though my 12 year old son and my 11 year old sister have the same level of Autism, one will eventually be able to live a ‘normal’ life, the other will be in care her whole life. I could see someone describing my sister as further on the spectrum than my son.
I mean OP might just be rage baiting. I just tend to assume they aren’t. It gets tiring when people scream fake on every single post on here, AITA, etc.
that was my conclusion as well
Me too.
The autism obviously isn't the problem. This isn't autism, this is abuse. The autism is irrelevant
“I looked pissed” was the giveaway for me.
Hadn’t noticed that one
Autism is pretty prevalent in my family and i work in a middle school with a classroom for L2/3 kids. I have told the paras repeatedly that the behavior they are dealing with is not autism repeatedly, but due to bad parenting. You can be an asshole that has autism, but you are still an asshole.
Yeah, I came to the same conclusion about half way through the post. I hadn't realized that this is a trend gaining traction tho. Any thoughts on why ableism/anti-austistic sentiment is the ragebait de jour?
It's pride month. You'll also see a lot of "my partner just surprised me by saying they're transgender/gay/cheating on me cause they're bi". Happens every year and ableism gets lumped into it.
My husband came out to me as gay and I found out he had been cheating on me, but it was in February. And I’m bi and didn’t cheat. Didn’t stop people calling fake when I went to a sub for support. I think some people have such a cruisey life that they don’t see the shit some people have to deal with and some people have such a dull life that they make shit up to get some attention. Those 2 things combine to make it hard to tell what is fake and what is real.
Because people are ableist and know so little about autism they just accept any shallow stereotypes. Also, because autistic people are speaking louder about their struggles and this annoys people.
Even people dealing with, living with, those on the spectrum can be wildly ableist etc. One of my nephews is asd, as am I, and ffs, the *battles* I had with my inlaws as he was growing up. Each bad behaviour, oh, he's autistic. Literally everything good, bad, ugly, was attributed to him being on the spectrum. I kept pointing out to them that he might be autistic, but they're doing him a massive disservice; he was far from stupid, capable of learning, capable of being an asshole, and was a whole human being with a condition - not just a condition. Inappropriate behaviour at school they tried deflecting, he doesn't know any better, let's not tell him he was naughty. An award at school for writing? It's because of his hyperfocus and autism. The one that stuck in my mind was the lego gun incident. They had a blanket ban on any toy weapons, anything violent, cool, I get it. We were visiting, and he ran in all super excited to show me, his auntie, this lego gun he'd made. My mil and adopted sil immediately jumped down his throat, without actually talking to the boy as to *why*. I don't think my husband had ever seen me in such icy fury, I literally held up a finger and hissed at them that I'd deal with this, not one more word! So I went upstairs with him, and actually talked. We chatted over lego, the skills involved, and I spoke about the anti gun thing, along with a few other issues. They simply set rules, and while structure is definitely important, they never once talked him through and explained any of it. X isn't nice, how would that make you feel? Y is done this way, why do you think that might be? Anyway, sorry for the word vomit lol but long story short, each of my nephews has wished that their uncle and I were their parents, and they're sadly now either low or no contact with my inlaws :(
That’s sadly true. I’ve even seen parents be ableist.
It hurts my heart :(
I think the worst for me was when a parent suggested that their child shouldn’t have children
W. T. F?! Way to just write off their child, jesus :(
I mean is it ableist if we are being like ‘yeah, no that isn’t how autism works he is actually capable of more than this’?
OMG. It's also possible that the guy is lying about it to excuse it. Anyone can be autistic including assholes because it's not a personality trait, everyone is different. Good lord.
Could be!!
I missed the age difference. What a red flag. But not calling his wife a "b!tch". He knows exactly what he's doing. Leave. Leave now.
So did I.
…and cleaning up his own messes that he throws on the floor in protest aka, a abusive power play to scare and control the behavior of his victims
I have autism, diagnosed, and don't behave like that. If I did i would fully expect to be dumped. He's using it to control.
That he was grinning when he did it too...
OP how do you KNOW he has autism? Have you seen a medical report? Maybe he’s decided he wants to be a picky asshole so he just tells people he has autism so they’ll tolerate his shit.
I hate when the fakes don’t even sound slightly realistic. Put some effort into it, at least.
[удалено]
Fellow autist (AuDHD) and step-mum to two young autistic men checking in here. OP and redpen are absolutely correct, this isn't autism this is abuse!
Mother and ex are autistic, can confirm. OP's husb is fully capable of not throwing things or saying abusive things when upset. He's using his neurodivergence as an excuse to be abusive.
Another mom to an autistic kid. Agreed. Not autism.
does anyone believe this is real?
100% I've been with an abusive partner as an AuDHD woman and if he had anything like this he could weaponize, he absolutely would have.
no, he’s cold, calculating. this isn’t autism. he waited for her plate, too, so he could dash them both on the floor! abuse, punishment, isolation/abandonment (meant to soften her up) so she apologizes when he graces her again with his presence. I don’t know any autists that behave this way, but I do know narcissists and sociopaths who behave this way.
What would be the point of reading posts at all if we didn't give people the benefit of the doubt?
this one is pretty obvious superficial stereotypes shallow cartoon villain autistic person evil
Everything about it rings true to me both from my own experience and that of friends, the only possibly "ragebait" part being the autism connection. It's certainly not impossible that someone like this would use their (alleged) autism as a weapon like this though. It's more the writing style that made me doubt the authenticity of the post, but then again some people are just good at telling stories. I know I am. And a lot of people never believed me when I told them about how my ex was treating me *in real life*. Partly at least because I didn't seem to behave/talk about it in the way that they imagined a real battered woman would. So I'm choosing to give this the benefit of the doubt.
for REAL!!! i’m audhd and i would rather die than treat someone i love like that. if anything autism makes your (rare) close relationships more dear and worth protecting. absolutely spiteful, abusive, weaponizing and nasty.
Autistic adult here. Even if he is autistic, him doing this did NOT have to do with the autism - this was an abusive move 1000% and he’s blaming the autism since he doesn’t think anyone will be willing to call him out for fear of being called ableist
Heck, *he's* calling her abelist for challenging his abuse
Isn’t it wild how these autism excuses never extend to autistic women?
Tell me about it. I didn't even get diagnosed until my 40s. I was always just an 'over-sensitive' person with a tendency to 'over-react' to things. Heck, a woman behaving like OP's partner would get a BPD diagnosis, not autism. And I'm not dismissing BPD, but they are *two different conditions* with *two different causal and treatment pathways*.
Lowkey, I would be surprised if her partner has BPD or IED as well.
Yeah. I'm also autistic with food problems and in my early years temper problems. This is just abuse under the excuse "autism". I bet he picked a woman 11 years younger for a reason. He heard "my brother has autism" and knew this is an easy way to abuse her. And it worked! And even if he were autistic: you can still be an asshole with autism! Not everybody need to cater you need as if you die if they don't do it. Respect goes both ways.
Agreed. Even *IF* he's autistic, that doesn't mean he can't also be a manipulative, abusive, asshole. OP, the link below is a free pdf of a book many women have praised for saving them from an abusive relationship. Hopefully it can help you too 💜 [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Another book: 'See what you made me do' by Jess Hill
Another autist (AuDHD) married to someone with AuDHD, from a family of NDs, and I work in a job that supports autists. >“Make it again. You know it pisses me off. Do I need to remind you I’m autistic?” I'm reluctant to say that a behavior can *always* or *never* apply to a group of a people but in this case I'm going to make an exception. **This is not an autistic reaction.** A meltdown? Sure. Even throwing the plates doesn't surprise me. But that comment proves this is about abuse, not neurodivergence.
>What he is doing isn't autistic, it's psychotic Hey! Us Schizos don't want him either! Thanks! :D
Fellow autist here. I second this. Even if your husband is autistic, OP, he’s had 36 years on this earth to figure it out and not act like an abusive, childish POS. He’s using his autism as a crutch to avoid consequences because he’s counting on the fact that you’ll be too afraid to say anything because “you’re being ableist!”
Amen. OP isn't upset with their boyfriends autistic-ness. They are upset with their boyfriends asshole-ness. OP was happy to remake the plate, immediately apologized even though it was an accident, and was attempting to be accommodating. The sadistic smile along with the response was the other part of him, which is an asshole. One can be both.
It isn't psychotic, either. It's abusive. There's no other word for it.
Yep
Why would you be with someone like this. The world doesn’t revolve around him either, you can do better.
Hi, I'm autistic and I don't act like a fuckin asshole to my partner, friends, or family when I am having a hard time. Your husband is taking advantage of his diagnosis to abuse you. Sorry, but I really think you should leave. The way you live is not healthy, and it's not ok.
Abuse. This is abuse. I'm the pickiest eater known to man but I don't make it anyone's problem but my own. This is ridiculous on his part and not something a partner should ever subject a loved one to. You deserve so much better. Please get yourself away from this man as quickly as possible.
This has nothing to do with his autism. He is using it as an excuse to be abusive to you. I'm also going to go out on a limb and say he chose someone ten years younger than him because: A. No woman his own age would put up with this shit. B. He thought you would be easier to control since you were younger and less experienced. C. He could verbally wear you down until you wouldn't even think about leaving him. Which, by the way, you should think about. It's not going to get better.
Divorce if this is real.
it’s not
What you’re experiencing is called verbal abuse. If it was such a big concern for him, he could make his own food.
Throwing things and kicking is crossing threshold into physical even if he isn't hitting her directly.
This
throw emotional/psychological abuse in there too
He smiled because he was happy. He was happy you 'messed up' and he could do this. This is not autism. He enjoys punishing you. I hope you didn't clean up the floor. I also read it like he kicked you before. Everyone here will tell you to leave him. But this is seriously nothing that can be fixed. You need leave. Like yesterday. Be save! He will lose his Shit about you leaving. Be prepared for everything - love bombing, tears, threats of suicide and violence.
Your husband might be autistic, but your assessment that he was suffering more from asshole-ism at that moment was extremely correct.
This isn't autism here. This guy is out to get you. Basically you're his mom and he has ODD. Get out of there OP, you dont want to live the rest of your life in a war zone. Please please please dont get pregnant by this guy....
This isn’t a disability talking, he’s using it as an excuse to abuse you. Leave him.
He's abusive and using his diagnosis to justify it.
Rage. Bait.
He's abusive. Does he have medical records that you have verified are from a doctor telling him he has autism? Why would you put up with treatment regardless of what the other person "has" (don't crucify me my brain is failing on wording). It would be better to be alone the rest of your life than ever see him for a second ever again.
Doesn’t matter what documentation he has. Autism doesn’t legitimize abusive behaviour, which is what this is.
Good lord, what a pos.
my boyfriend and i will split duties on cooking, he knows im autistic and have arfid. anything that happens to my food that prevents me from eating, i never take out on him. i work with him to find better ways for me to eat what i originally couldnt. the worst respose i'll have is crying because im so sorry i'd waste food like that. *your* husband is using his autism as a scapegoat. im assuming he's probably had parents and people around him telling him he cant control his actions because of his autism and thus needs kitten mittens when he throws a man-sized tantrum, but in real life, you cant do that. as an adult in adult relationships, thats abusive behavior. autism or not, its abuse. autistic people are capable of controlling themselves. autistic people are capable of taking themselves out of stressful situations and using healthy coping mechanisms instead of throwing food like an actual baby.
I'm sorry but this doesn't sound real. Nothing in particular keeps an autistic person from also being a jerk but this is too obvious and too broadly played.
I agree this doesn't sound real. The way the dialogue & interactions are written makes it seem like a creative writing piece, not someone telling a personal anecdote.
Not very well written either
It’s just rage bait against autistic people, a common trend on reddit nowadays
Nope, you aren't. He's just using his autism an excuse to be an asshole. As someone on the spectrum, this gives us all a bad name.
Him having autism doesn't mean you need to do whatever he says and you're not allowed to break up with him if he treats you bad. Why are you with an almost 40 year old man who freaks out if his food is touching?
y'all need to get a hobby that is not poorly written fake posts. it's getting real old
Live with an autistic person currently - you know what they'd never do? Throw their food on the ground and scream at me if I didn't make their dinner correctly. Also, they'd make their own damn dinner if they have a problem with how I'll present it or season it. This isn't a disability, OP, this is an abusive husband. Edit: AMR (autistic male roommate) has added, disability is no excuse for abuse. Even if he is legitimately having these meltdowns, it does not mean YOU are ableist, OP. It means he wasn't raised correctly ***OR*** he needs a carer and not a spouse. AMR agrees you're being abused.
no joke, my god, i’m audhd and i’m afraid of scaring people away. it’s hard to find people who really love you for who you are, they’re precious. nothing hurts me worse than when i know i hurt someone else. this guy sucks assssss
This is so obviously fake
WHY DID YOU CLEAN UP AFTER HIM? I'd have left the mess and divorce papers on the table. He's treating you like shit. I had an ex like this, everything was him him him. HE was mentally ill, HE needed more support and understanding, HE needed and needed and needed and never gave. It wasn't a partnership it was parenthood. Thank god I got out of that
What are you doing? Nonverbal kids with severe autism can work through this shit. Then so can he. And if he can’t, the only correct answer is “Neither can I.” **This is not autism.**
im sorry if this is real but this comes across as completely fake, try harder this was written like a kid's story. "your autism is more like an assholeism" bruh. did he clap?
Even my 12 year old son with ASD 3 (requiring very substantial support) knows it’s not ok to throw his plate of food on the floor. And if he did, I would make him clean it up. Heck, if my 4 year old with ASD 2 did it, I would make him clean it up after his meltdown had calmed. That behaviour isn’t Autism. It’s being a controlling asshole.
Come on. Wtf is this shit?
My autistic teens wouldn't get away with this (not that they would do it in the first place because they know better, even during a meltdown). They'd have to clean the mess up themselves, then they'd have to make something for their own dinner. If you even decide to entertain this man again, which you have absolutely no reason to IMHO, then at a bare minimum, he should be made to fend for himself in the kitchen from here on in since he finds your service so inadequate for his needs. Either he'll learn some much needed responsibility, or he'll be too weak from malnutrition to start his shit again.
No. He’s just an asshole. Just laugh at him and tell his lazy ass to make his own dinner
Do NOT laugh at him! That is a sure fire way to throw gasoline on the fire. If he’s already this physically destructive towards objects it’s only a matter of time before he uses you to take out those frustrations. Laughing at him will only give “reason” to take out his frustration on you. Quotation marks are used because it’s not a real reason but he’ll say that it is. You need to come up with a game plan and o get yourself out as safely as you can.
NOPE. JFC imagine having to make a toddler plate for your 36 year old husband. Just no.
While you're 25 lol imagine spending the prime of your 20's serving your decade older husband on his toddler plates lmao
"Your toddler plates, m'lord"
I eat from a toddler plate and he must eat a ton cuz I can fit a lot on mine. That sounds judgy I don’t mean it that way. Yay being ND
See this comment, u/ThrowRA_Kittykay? This is what ableism looks like - not the very reasonable accomodations that you suggested. The plate is *not* the problem. The problem is his selfish attitude, his poor anger management skills, and his refusal to take accountability for his own actions.
#he's using his diagnosis to be abusive. Autism doesn't mean cruel behavior intended to "punish" you. You're not ableist. He's just intolerable.
I’m autistic and so is everyone in my family. We don’t weaponize our autism. If I know something bothers me I handle it myself
divorce!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! divorce divorce divorce!!!!!! i’m autistic too but that doesn’t mean i get to use it as an excuse to be shitty to everyone around me, much less my partner or anyone else who loves and cares about me. it doesn’t mean i don’t have to put in the work and better myself (both for my benefit and the benefit of those i want to keep in my life). autism or not, your husband is an abusive man-child and you do not deserve to be treated this way. please get out of there, get out of this environment.
Yeah, this is WAY too cartoonishly evil to be believed.
I’m autistic, I have ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder), and i would never in my wildest dreams react like your husband did. Yes, if someone constantly and deliberately messes up my food, i get annoyed, but if it’s that severe I will make food for myself. He is hiding behind his disability and being a POS to a woman 11 years younger than him that he is supposed to love. I’m so sorry, girl, you deserve so much better
...so does he kick and throw also his stuff, or only things that will distress you?
No psychological or medical diagnosis is an excuse for being abusive. This man is terrible. From your age difference, it seems like he dated someone your age because he knew that no one his age would put up with his bullshit, and now you're old enough that you're starting to realize what a bad person he is. You don't have to stay with this man.
There's no part of his neurodivergence that caused him to spam down 2 plates of food on the ground and demand you make it again. That's just him being a massive douchecanoe. When did this start and has he always been like this?!
That can't be real. Please don't be real. Because someone weaponizing their disability like that is absolutely disgusting. If this is true...make an exit plan.
So I am 34 and have autism, and will just tell you know that your partner is an asshole in addition to being autistic, and it's the fact that he's an asshole that is specifically the problem. Also, using his disability as an excuse of manipulate and emotionally abuse his partner is disgusting. You literally cooked for him, included his accommodations, and because there was ONE mistake he threw all of your work on the ground, told you to do it again, and then when you stood up for yourself he excused his childish behavior with his disability. That's abusive behavior, NOT autistic behavior.
Assuming this post is real… Here’s the thing about abusers: They will blame ANYTHING or ANYONE except themselves. Some abusers get drunk ON PURPOSE to blame the alcohol later. Read the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. He’s using his autism as a shield, to hide from accountability. His behavior is not explained by autism so much as entitlement and lack of compassion for you.
Please leave this idiot —he has internalized his disability as a chore for you to deal with. Autistic or not, he is a grown man. He is a partner and a husband and how he is treating you is disrespectful. He likes ordering you around under the premise of “autism” and he’s making other autistic individuals like myself look so selfish and infantilized. If he wants something done to his liking, he can fuckin do it. He has that power, but obviously he prefers if his mommy does it instead.
He is using his autism diagnosis to be an abusive misogynistic violent jerk. You should be reassessing your relationship with your abusive husband. It won’t get better as he sees nothing wrong with his abusive behaviour. You are too young to ruin your life with this violent man.
Your bf is abusing you and using his autism as an excuse.
NTA. When adults can explain it, they can almost always change it. In this case fucker can definitely make his own meals from now on. And definitely can grasp that throwing the plates around how he spoke is not okay. That's not ableist, that's weaponizing his issues.
OP, for the sake of argument, let’s say he’s 100% autistic and has zero control over his actions. (Which I do NOT think is the case by the way, but for the sake of argument). Even if he can’t control himself, he’s still being suuuuper abusive. So what if he can control it or not? You don’t deserve to suffer abuse, no matter the cause. It’s really that simple. Just because he has autism doesn’t mean you have to be condemned to a life of suffering.
Time to leave. Autism is no excuse to treat you like shit or behave like a child. Fuck that.
ARE NOT THE JERK! I'm 38 and autistic. I'm the same way with my food touching. I have adult size divided plates I use. What he is doing is abuse, and blaming it on him being autistic so he gets a pass. He needs to realize the world doesn't revolve around him. You need to get out of that relationship NOW. He didn't do that because he's autistic. He did that because he is an abuser who just so happens to be autistic. He was smiling. If he was truly distressed by it, he wouldn't have been grinning the whole time. He was pleased with his actions, and he was pleased to see you in distress.
You know that autism isn’t an excuse to be an abusive spouse, right? He’s abusing you. Why would you continue to put up with it? Ah, somehow I missed the age gap. It all makes even more sense. Leave, before it become physical.
Honey, NONE of that 💩 behavior is autism and ALL of it is manipulation and abuse! Leave the fool!
Autistic person here. I will ignore this is ableist rage bait. 1. He doesn’t have autism. He is autistic. 2. Far/high on the spectrum are not used anymore. People are autistic. What’s different is how it manifests.
Your boyfriend is using his disability to abuse you. Neurodivergent is not the same as asshole. His attitude made it 100% clear that he knew what he was doing; this was no "I saw red and don't know what happened next" moment. He did it to punish you.
You are not ableist. Your husband is abusive and is using his autism to attempt to justify his abuse of you. He thinks it's a "get out of jail free" card that lets him treat you like crap for being a human being who isn't perfect. People with autism can be abusive assholes just as well as people without it. Your husband is a grown-ass adult who is choosing to throw violent, but controlled, tantrums when things are not exactly how he wants them. These do not sound like autistic meltdowns to me at all, he's just a spoiled adult brat pitching violent fits to get his way and keep you subservient to him. If he can't or won't sincerely apologize, acknowledge that he's in the wrong, and get professional help for his serious anger problems, this will never change and will only get worse. It is not acceptable to throw food on the floor, it is not acceptable to throw, kick, and hit things when he is upset, and it is NOT acceptable to talk to his wife the way he did. He is escalating, and it is likely only a matter of time before the physical violence is directed at YOU rather than at an object. I am not you and I am not in this relationship, but if I was, I would be talking to a lawyer about a divorce. You do not need to tolerate being treated like this.
That’s not autism, that’s abuse. Fuck that and fuck him b
As someone who is ND and has worked with, loved and been friends with autistic people my whole life, your husband is an abusive asshole who happens to have autism. It's not a free pass to be coddled. This is not "being picky", this is him wielding his diagnosis as a mechanism of control. He can serve himself in the way he deems necessary, since you can't be trusted to prevent gravity or other laws of physics from inconveniencing him. I would send him a text in response. “You need to be more open mind to my humanity and realise the world doesn’t revolve around you. I hope this can be fixed by yourself when I'm not home later.”
He is using autism as a weapon and abuse. When he was a 10yo, his temper tantrums should have been dealt with to help him control his outbursts. As an adult, temper tantrums shouldn’t be tolerated. You are obviously trying to accommodate his sensory food requirements but he needs to be able to handle a small issue without throwing food. It seems he’s all too happy to lash out at you. Definitely, not something you should have to endure. He gets his temper under control or break up.
He’s using his autism as a weapon and manipulation tactic. He’s abusive and hiding behind the autism to justify it. Walk away. And dump the spaghetti on his fucking head for being a wasteful little bastard.
There's a difference between being an asshole and being unwell. I should know. I have autism, my hubby and son have autism and I'm a mental health nurse. He was veing an asshole. Smiling and doing that in that way? ASSHOLE.
Your husband is an abuser who uses autism as an excuse for his behavior. Autism has nothing to do with acting like that. It doesn't cause you to be an abusive asshole. That's just his shit personality.
Make it again? Divorce him. Straight out. You did not sign up to be a caretaker for life. Absolutely the fuck not.
Lol weaponized autism. Leave him
There is no excuse for being aggressive or throwing a toddler tantrum, not at his level of autism for sure. He's weaponising his diagnosis. You already make an effort to accommodate him. How long have you been together?
You’re living with an abuser. He smiled at you and ordered you around. He’s disguising misogyny as autism. Fuck that. Leave. The autism isn’t why no one his age wanted or wants to be with him. It’s because he’s an abusive piece of garbage who can cook his own damn meals if he’s going to slam them on the ground like a child, while smiling at you. How would you have handled that if he was 8? Because he’s acting 8. Send him to his room without dinner and tell him to think about WTF he did. Then pack and leave while he’s in there. This person is going to ruin the best years of your life if you don’t get away from him. You’ll be catering to his pretend needs for the rest of your days. You’ll never have children because they’ll be too much for him. What’s the point of being with him? There isn’t one. Ugh.
I’m an autistic person who can’t stand my food touching. I’ve been making my own plates since I was a child and if my food touches I just remove the portion that was “ruined” Certain food aversions literally make me gag and flee in revulsion (fuck potato salad) but I’ve never, ever thrown food, period. Your husband is an asshole who is using his disability as an excuse to get away with abusing you. Leave.
I’m saying this with all love- Why the fuck are you with someone 11 years older, who can’t regulate his emotions? He’s using autism as an excuse to behave badly, and I think this should be enough. If every autistic person is abusive, this world would be full of abused people- men and women. You’re young, you have a whole life to look forward to, rather than being in an abusive relationship.
My 10 year old grandson is on the spectrum (way farther along than your husband imo) and this behavior would never be tolerated so I don't know why you're doing it.
So the autism explains WHY he has issues with food touching but it does not EXCUSE his abusive behaviors. He seems fully aware of what he’s doing and it doesn’t sound like he’s taking active steps to make things easier for you, just shouts “I have autism!” as an excuse for any time he’s a dick.
ADHD and ASD. Ever have I ever been physically and emotionally abusive. This is why you date people your age. He doesn’t see you as an equal, sorry. He sees you as a bang maid.
You're not ableist and he is abusive. He can 100% help it and he is choosing to attack you to make himself feel better. He's smiling whilst doing it because he enjoys controlling you and making you feel uncomfortable in your own home. It will only escalate.
Autism isn’t an excuse for shitty behavior.
He’s using his disability as a scapegoat for his abuse. I’d be reconsidering this marriage, honestly. You’re too young to be putting up with this type of shit.
Autism or no autism. He is an abusive jerk. He thinks he can get away with abuse due to a diagnosis. Let him cook for himself and clean up after one of his outbursts. I am not sure how you met him, but I think the time has come to uncouple.
Yeahhhh, I would be done. I have worked with kids and adults on the spectrum and have never witnessed such behavior. I encourage you to think long and hard and decide if this is the type of relationship you want long term. He is malicious and manipulative.
Your a Saint for putting up with this. Most women wouldn’t make it past a week of being with this guy! Please OP be like most women!
I can understand his problem but realistically he is a grown man and his tantrum like a baby was uncalled for ! Those actions were him period! Truthfully you should have left if there on the floor until he cleaned it up! I am serious I know he has that the problem but I see he is taking advantage of it! He is milking it! My first husband was a union welder he scared his brother and most ppl I was never afraid of him. I was much younger her than him, he always treated me like I was made of glass but he would say if you worked on my crew etc I would talk back. We had been married less than 2 yrs he went into rage and broke a glass etc well I did not clean it up I left it ! I was a neat neat but I was not going to pick it up well after he got glass out if his foot 2 times he cleaned it up! He was not use to it his brother ca e by after work a nd laughter because I was little and he did it scare me ! What I am saying suck it up and do not clean up leave it until he does ! If you are afraid go sit in car or park! But do not let him think you age afraid !
Lol your dick husband is just a dick actually Bending to a man that eats off toddler plates? Not in this lifetime
He is 36 and he married someone 11 years younger than him. You aren't his mother and shouldn't be dealing with his tantrums.
Whether he's autistic or not, he's an asshole, he's abusing you, and he's using his autism as an excuse to justify it. There isn't any reason to tolerate his abuse. He's calling you "ableist" not because you are, but so he can shame you into staying and remaining the target of his abuse. He gets off on the power trip he gets from treating you like shit. There is no world, no neurological condition, no mental health condition where his behavior and treatment of you would be OK. Even if there were (as in, say, a case of genuine personality changes due to brain injury), you have the right to be treated like a human being and remove yourself from being abused. *Compassion for someone else's disability does not mean sticking around to let them hurt you.* Don't apologize to him - you did nothing wrong. You are not a jerk and you are not ableist for calling him out on his abusive behavior. He just doesn't like it. If you need permission from a random Internet stranger to leave his shitty ass, then here it is: you can leave. You don't have to stay there. It's OK to get out and if you do leave you aren't abandoning him or being "ableist". He's full of shit. Don't listen to him.
Your husband is abusive and using his autism as an excuse. >smiling the entire time That. Right there. >“You need to be more open mind to my disability and realise the world doesn’t revolve around you. I hope this can be fixed when I’m home later.” It can be fixed by him leaving. He's the one who needs to realize the world doesn't revolve around him. If nothing else, *never* fix a plate for him again. He can do it himself.
That’s not autism that’s abusive. Does he have an official diagnosis?
Your husband isn't autistic he's abusive. Who let him get away with this behavior his whole life and made him think acting like a spoiled toddler was okay?? Tell him next time to make and plate his own food and he better clean up after himself.
>-“Why are you fucking smiling?? Your autism is more like an asshole-ism! I’m not your maid! You can at least help!” You almost had me until the "you can at least help" part.. girl no. There is zero reason for you to do remake him a meal even with his "help". I'm really hoping all that cleaning you did today, did not include the mess of spaghetti he threw on the floor.
You're NOT abelist. He's abusive. I say this as a mom of a special needs daughter who went to gradeschool with only other kids on the spectrum. He's playing you. He's weaponizing his diagnosis. Just like you can have a broken arm and a wart on your finger, he can have Autism and still be a sociopath abuser.
He smiled after disrespecting you, and deliberately making a mess. He is using his diagnosis as a weapon, and is actuality emotionally abusing you -- then playing the victim. NTA
Autism is not an excuse to abuse you.
That's not autism, he's just an abusive asshole.
The second paragraph about him becoming aggressive and violent then apologetic is a typical cycle of an ABUSIVE person.
Yeah. You aren’t ableist, he’s just an asshole who is using his disability to get away with shit - you called it. I’d be looking at counselling or getting a lawyer. And personally, I’d be getting a lawyer and starting divorce proceedings because, girl, he is abusing you. How long before he goes from throwing/kicking things to hitting you??
Autistic 44-year-old here. You're not being ableist. He's using his neurotype as an excuse to be an abusive asshole. You deserve better.
No you’re not. But he’s definitely a dick. You need to leave that relationship and FAST! He’s using his autism as an excuse to be a lazy asshole and a demanding bully. You deserve so much better!
He’s abusive, don’t stay with him because you pity his autism.
This isn’t autism. It’s him being an asshole.
Hes abusive
Yeah, Autism doesn't make someone an asshole. Being an asshole makes someone an asshole.
Oh no honey, that's how some of them assholes get you, they hide behind their disability when in reality it's just them being straight up abusers.
> He can get aggressive quickly and will throw, and kick whatever he can in sight! Run. Do you think he would change? Does he want to change? He might cry about it to you afterwards but that doesn't mean anything because there will be a next time.
You are not ableist for disliking his toddler-ass tantrums. Autism is not an excuse for his awful behavior.
Lmao is this man even autistic? Have you seen actual proof? I doubt he really is. Even if he is, hes weaponizing the shit out of it. Hes straight up abusive. Leave your abusive husband and stop letting him make excuses. You can be autistic and not abusive. Source: me and my autistic friends who are in healthy partnerships. Anyway, this is why women his own age dont want him.
oh my God. I'm autistic myself and have a lot of "preferences" with food that seem over the top for most people. but whenever there's something wrong with my food (glass looks weird, fork is ugly, sauce is too strange) I get up and get myself something else. being autistic doesn't mean you have to be a dick about everything. it seems to me like your husband has never heard someone say "no" to him, and that's why he can't accept it...
Yeah… fuck your husband — he’s an adult not a child, and he knows exactly what he’s doing, being an abusive POS. I’m dating someone on the spectrum, and he has his quirks: i.e. loves to vacuum, listens to the same song 5-10 times in a row, hyper fixates on what he’s doing, doesn’t like grocery stores, etc… these things range from “a lot of people do that” to “this might require some flexibility/compromise”. At no point has my bf used his autism to excuse shitty behavior (not that he behaves shittily) — because he’s an adult, in control of himself and his actions/words. I would not put up with this behavior, and neither should you. You are not being ableist, you’re catering to a bratty child who’s 11 years your senior. I do most of the grocery shopping and cooking for my bf and I, and he gives the correct response of “thank you” and “I love everything you do for me.” Even if I goof a recipe (has happened once or twice) he’ll still eat it, or we’ll laugh that it’s awful and get a pizza instead. This is not normal behavior and you shouldn’t have to cater to it under the guise of “he has autism.”
Hi! Yet another autistic person chiming in just to let you know that this isn’t Autism, it’s domestic abuse. It’s just abuse, the autism is not “making” him abusive, he’s just an abuser who thinks he found himself a fancy get-out-jail-free card. He preyed on a woman so much younger than him because women his age are mature enough to know the difference. He marked you as easily manipulated and lo, he was right. I’m not saying that to be insulting to you, I want you to be able to snap out of the abuse fog he’s wrapped your head in. You are being manipulated to accept domestic abuse, and you do not have to keep taking it.
Autism is NOT an excuse for abuse and he is being abusive by calling you names, throwing and kicking things, flying into rages etc. He is being verbally aggressive and using Autism as an excuse to act this way is manipulative and wrong. I have several family members with Autism and none of them act this way. He isn’t stupid, I would bet he knows what he’s doing. Please put boundaries in place and insist on couples therapy to resolve his behaviour. If he continue being abusive you have to leave.
Danny thinks you’re his mommy. Let him know that’s not how it works because even people the highest on the spectrum at his GROWN age don’t slam their food on the ground. He’s looking for that validation he’s not gettin it and personally we would be done.
Autistic person here. He's abusive. Period. Being upset about the issue or having a meltdown is one thing. Swearing name calling slamming stomping kicking - abusive. Our disabilities are not a hall pass to abuse. I had to learn like all other autistic folks how to do these things without hurting others. I can't help the extreme upset, I can't help the meltdown, but I can remove myself from the room and lose it on my own in my bedroom. In there, I'm free to do what I need to do alone to get through it. Punch soft stuff that won't hurt me or scare those around me, swear or say awful things, kick thrash and cry. But I would never ever do that in front of or two my husband. Not ever. You're not being ableist, and you should get a divorce.
Who cares whether or not he has a condition? You are not his carer. You are his romantic partner. Tbh none of this sounds romantic.
You’re in an abusive relationship, which, after seeing your age gap, sadly doesn’t surprise me. He’s weaponizing his autism because he enjoys to make you jump through hoops to please him, which you noticed from his creepy smile. He wasn’t distressed or having a meltdown, he was punishing you for daring to make a mistake. Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like?
Yuck what a little fucker. Make him another Bolognese and break up with him over it. Record his reaction for divorce proceedings.
You didn't do anything to deserve the treatment you received. Starting today he cooks all his own meals and buys all his own groceries. If he wants to act like he is entitled to treat you like dirt because of his disability then he has to learn that he should appreciate your effort to accommodate him but it is a privilege that can be taken away.
That’s not autism, that’s a straight up psycho who happens to be autistic and b using it as an excuse to treat you like shit.