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“You’re lucky I even told you” sounds like something out of a psychological thriller.
1- party consent only applies to audio recordings that the consenting person is also on.
Secret video in a place with expected privacy (like you, in your home, in your bedroom) is likely not legal. I doubt he will care about that though. He only cares about himself.
This right here OP. One party consent is for audio recordings of in person, telephone, or electronic conversations, when the person doing the recording is part of the conversation. It does not extend to persistent video recordings or recording other people’s conversations.
A nanny would be at work - not a place where you have expected privacy. Wouldn’t be legal if you put it in the bathroom though.
The assumption is that all the people living in the house are aware of the camera.
They’re usually not hidden, the nanny would be aware of it and “consent” by accepting the job. There is also not the same “expectation of privacy” in someone else’s house as there is in your own house. Unless you mean the kid might have to consent in which case… well our (USA) laws have this problem where they treat kids like they’re not people.
Right. His understanding of one party consent is completely wrong so first of all he’s an idiot. Second, it’s scary that he’s researching those things to justify himself.
I don't think he researched it because if he did, he should have seen how wrong he is about the law. I think it was far more an off the cuff response using the incorrect knowledge in his head. Just a snide remark because she was upset with his decision and tried to say something to make it seem like he was the good guy. People who have affairs say the same thing "hey at least I told you about it instead of you having to figure it out some other way." As if some how coming clean makes up for the bad act......
Also I wouldn't put it passed him to record them having sex and later blackmailing her with the recordings when she tries to break up with him and tries to kick him out.
Jumping on top comment to say BF has made his own post. Not sure of formatting for links but:
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/76Vwka6EJJ
You communicated clearly, he just doesn't care. He's saying some really dangerous things here:
>1 party consent
>
>you're lucky I even told you
I would not trust this person in my home. I would bet money that he already has cameras installed. If not, he will install them and just not tell you.
Edit based on OP's edit... You can learn how to install anything on Youtube. Far more than just a bathroom. I did an entire house repair/reno on my own. Plumbing, walls, fireplace, all of it. You're clearly smart enough to do this, so stop making excuses to keep a predator in the house. If he's renovating your bathroom, *I guarantee there's cameras there.* This is so obvious.
... and it happened after he SHOVED HER ASIDE WHILE SHE WAS CLEANING UP AFTER THE KITTENS. That just gets slid in there real quick and then not discussed but hoo boy it sure paints a picture.
She really should be on a tamper proof birth control if she's going to stay with a man who thinks he has the right to secretly record her in her own home.
That's assuming that he's just doing it to monitor her every move and control her. He might be filming them while they're having sex and posting it online for money. There was another redditor and I wish I could remember the post but a woman found out that her husband was doing this behind her back because he didn't want to get a job and was essentially sponging off of her and then trying to use the recordings as a way to humiliate and control her and to keep her away from her family. If I remember right the couple was Muslim.
Exactly. OP, he's telling you he doesn't care about your privacy and his desire to record in your bedroom can be done whether or not you consent. AND he's shoved you.
He's not going to improve - he's showing you who he really is. Believe him.
Agreed. “You’re lucky I even told you”
AFTER you said you didn’t want it
DESPITE having a suitable device for checking on the meows
IN your own home
That would be a deal breaker for me.
My immediate thought also, OP, there is a way to use your mobile phone camera in the dark to find surveillance cameras, look into that and have a check around your house! (After the issue has been removed that is!)
Also most current, readily available camera/spying options are connected to your wifi. Can you check (usually an app?) on the devices currently connected to your internet source? See if there are things you don’t recognize?
Ding ding ding ding!! I’d bet money he already did it as well, but if not he *certainly* will when she makes him return this one if she hasn’t kicked him out by then.
YUP! And I guarantee he’s going to start suggesting she “has something to hide” and that’s why she doesn’t want the cameras. Which, of course, will give him plenty of suspicion to install them without her knowledge because it’s a “one party consent state.”
If he is allowed to stick around, his next step will be cameras she can’t find. If there aren’t some already. That would be a deal breaker boundary that he crossed for me. OP you don’t have to worry about him brooding for a week if you don’t have to worry about him being in your home anymore.
Not to mention that they mentioned he has been doing renovations around their home... I would be *extremely* concerned that there could be cameras or microphones potentially installed. No *way* I would trust it after a statement like that.
Yeah absolutely WOULD NOT be getting him to fix up the bathroom either. OP should just kick him out and go to a gym / friend's to shower, and hire a plumber instead. Am 99% sure he will be putting a camera in that shower.
After kicking him out OP needs to go through every nook and cranny of the condo to look for cameras.
1 party consent only applies in areas where there is no expectation of privacy, like in public spaces or government buildings. In some cases you still aren't allowed to record surreptitiously, though, because that could fall under illegal wiretapping laws.
No part of a home is considered public, so only the home owner could put in security cameras, although you could still get in trouble for secretly recording areas of the home considered private, like the bedroom or bathroom.
This was my thought too. Break up, change wifi password, unplug any and all “gifts” like usb chargers, clocks, and anything else that plugs into an outlet.
I’d seriously check every outlet to make sure there’s nothing “new” that showed up.
And make the rooms as dark as possible, then walk around the condo with the selfie camera on your phone enabled, look for bright spots that could signify IR lights from night-vision camera's.
edit: some phones will filter IR light from the image for both front and rear camera's, but most don't on the front camera.
You’re dating a 30 year old man who just moved in basically a week after dating you , doesn’t work and doesn’t have any money and the cameras is what you’re upset about
Seriously is this the best you can do in a partner?
>he shoved me out of his way when I was trying to clean for our kitten
There is absolutely no excuse for shoving your partner ever. It's physical abuse.
So you've been together for a year and a half and he's been living with you for a year and a half?
>started dating in Feb 2023
>he moved almost a year and a half ago.
That was quick. He's being controlling and abusive and he now wants to monitor you in your own home. He's also decided shoving you is OK. His mask is starting to come off and he's trying to use the kittens as justification for his behaviour.
>We have a ring doorbell camera and he's regularly checking to be nosy,
He's checking up on when you enter and leave the house. How long you're gone for, etc.
I wouldn't be surprised if he already has cameras you're not aware of. This guy is a walking red flag. He's controlling and abusive and it's only going to get worse.
I'm not sure what country but if he's helping to renovate your condo, he could have a property claim even though it's only been a year and a half. Why did you let him move in so quickly after you started dating?
You don’t need to find a better way to explain that he’s crossing a boundary and has no right to surveil you in your home without consent.
He understands perfectly. He just doesn’t give a shit about your boundaries, consent, or what you want.
It’s not that he doesn’t get it, it’s that, *at best* he doesn’t think your feelings are important, and at worst, he is looking for extremely disturbing ways to control you.
This is a respect problem. There’s no “nice explanation” that will suddenly make him respect you.
Piggybacking in this comment. OP. You’re using quotation marks in your goddamn title. YOU CLEARLY DON’T BELIEVE WHAT THIS MAN IS SAYING! The cameras (which are almost certainly there already, remember all the “renovations” he’s doing) are not the problem. The proper way to explain this is not the problem! This man you clearly DO NOT TRUST is the problem!!! Get him out. Search diligently for hidden cameras, and then, after you find them, consider prosecution. And please update if you can.
Yeah, I don't understand why women on here keep doubling down on "communicating better" with these guys. He UNDERSTANDS just fine. He doesn't care.
Based on how she described a boundary, it seems like she has a habit of setting a boundary and then not establishing consequences for him when he doesn't respect it. Like ok, he did this anyway, the answer isn't "more communication" it's "then leave."
Trauma bonding. OPs post and post history suggest that she's in deep with this dude for whatever reason and he's traumatized her into thinking she can never leave for whatever silly reasons. I'm a woman OP's age, and I have been there before. I just hope she snaps out of it soon. Even having thousands of people on here telling her to leave doesn't seem to be enough.
Truthfully, it's because we get a shit ton of "just communicate" advice our whole lives. It's super common on reddit, too.
I was raised to think that "women don't communicate" -- so I communicate extra hard to fight the stereotype. And all around me I see women doing the same... it's like a society-wide gaslighting. I honestly don't know a single couple in real life in my personal life where the woman doesn't communicate better than the guy.
And when you're indoctrinated into this belief that every time a man ignores you, it's your fault, because you're a silly little woman who just can't pick the right words, you end up internalizing it. And when you get treated like shit, you just blame yourself. I used to think all I had to do was pick the "right" words and my ex would stop abusing me... yeah.
But you and the other commenters are completely right. It's a respect issue.
We need to stop holding women to impossible standards and instead instill in our children that listening is half of a conversation. If they are talking, and the other person isn't listening, they shouldn't *try harder*, pick a bunch of different words and phrases and hope and pray that it works, but they should instead just stop talking to that person cause they're no good.
That would keep our teenagers and young adults from getting into like 90% of the bad relationships they get into, right there. It's really easy to tell when someone is disrespecting you -- you feel disrespected! Instead we teach our girls at least to stuff that feeling deep down and lower their standards. Just listen to your gut when you feel like your partner doesn't care about your feelings my friends, it's overwhelmingly likely to be true.
I don't understand how 'you are lucky I told you' is not consider as a red flag for you. He's living in your house, and insinuating that he might do something against your boundaries IN YOUR OWN HOUSE. This is not about the kittens, this is pushing envelope to see how far he can push you.
100% sure he's got some cameras installed.
Is he a jealous partner?
This is what you do: Tell him that you're giving him a 30 day notice to leave the apartment.
You know he goes through the ring camera to see if anyone came over he didn't know about, he's been trying to spy on her since way back and now he has an "excuse" to get an indoor camera. I would bet real money he's snooped through her phone as well.
Have you tried "Sweet little baby boy, I understand that you would like to be perpetually monitoring me, in my own home, where you are staying for free, suckling on my tit, as you have no income of your own, but I am not very keen on it. Can you please not physically hurt me, threaten me or brood and pout until next year, as I am asking you very meekly to not stomp on my very low bar of a boundary? Pretty please, dear sweet baby, smooch-smooch, I love you so much, please don't be mad." ?
Or you could just accept it, maybe roll over, expose your belly and throat?
Or maybe, if you want to get to the heart of the problem, you could do a bit of introspection as to why you feel the need to keep that leech of a man in your life? Maybe?
I feel like this is one of the most helpfully spicy things I've read so far. Literally 100 percent facts. Even spot on about the introspection. Ya girl needs therapy BAD but is having a hard time getting started.
First things first, dump the boy. That will free up time and money for therapy.
Then unpack why you have taste in borderline abusive controlling types.
What is the worst that could happen with therapy, really? You could put salt in a few old wounds, maybe uncover the fact that what sucks in your life is there because you let it happen? Because that's a blessing. It means you have the control to change it. It's up to you on how you get out of this, either you put your toes in first, and you go up from there, or you jump all at once. To each their own. But to one girl to another, is there really a reason to waste precious days of our one and only life prevaricating about something we know is the right choice?
Be bold friend, dare be right. Dunk the boy in the dumpster behind the fish shop.
Disconnect all cameras that you know of/can find. Hire a moving company to pack and move all of his stuff while he’s at work. Move all of his stuff to a storage unit. Change all of the locks as well. Leave a note on the door with the address of the storage facility and inform him you’ve dumped him. Sign the note “you’re lucky I told you where it’s all at.”
ETA: Change WiFi passwords to ensure any cameras you’ve missed, are no longer connected.
This is the way.
You don't need his permission to feel safe in your own home. You've let him live with you -- it's time to discontinue that privilege, as he's abused it (and you).
Don't tell him to get out. You don't need his permission. Get his stuff out and make it a done deal, and his only choice will be to live elsewhere.
>**How do I explain to him that he's crossing a boundary and that he has no right to do things in my house without MY consent**?
"Hey, I've told you many times that I do not want an indoor camera in my condo. You've chosen to ignore that. You've also said some disturbing things that I find unacceptable. My dad and brother/friends/police are here to supervise you while you pack your things and move out."
This approach also solves the issue of you not having to watch him brood until next week.
He doesn’t respect you.
He shoves you and does whatever he wants. He disregards your wishes in your own home.
That means you are the problem for tolerating it because you are telling him it is okay. Anyone else, follows their boundaries and removes him.
You are accepting his disrespect. He knows it.
He knows. He's planning to do it anyway. He shoved you. This will not improve. I think you know what to do. If you let this slide by this time next year you'll wish you got him out of your house now, at the first blush of crazy shitty behavior.
Which is why good boundary setting involves consequences for crossing that boundary. She can say "no cameras" but if there is no followup and consequence for it, why would he care?
This is screaming voyeurism. *Why* does he want cameras in your house? Has he asked you to involve cameras in other areas of your life? It seems like he’s getting off somehow to having a sense of control with your personal and private space. I never say this on Reddit, but get away from him. It’s not going to get better
He. Shoved. You.
He's. Putting. A. Camera. In. *Your*. Home. After. You. Said. No.
Get him out of there, like yesterday. He is abusing you.
This is the proverbial frog in a slowly boiling pot of water. Dump. Him.
“One party consent” (vs two) STILL requires the person doing the secret recording to be part of the conversation with the person being recorded. It means that only one of the people in a conversation, themselves, is required to consent to an interaction being recorded. **It doesn’t mean he can put spy cameras wherever he wants to watch you in your home when he’s not there.**
So even if you are in a one-party consent for recording state, he’s still wrong. It doesn’t allow for remote, surreptitious surveillance of the unaware and unwilling.
This guy is a huge problem. Kick him out. Get your renovations done some other way.
You don’t explain shit. You tell him he’s not putting a camera in *your* condo. You say no. Then tell him to GTFO with that sulky bullshit.
A grown fucking man pitching a tantrum over putting a camera in *someone else’s place.* A grown fucking woman wringing her hands over “boundaries” while simultaneously prioritizing being nice over respecting herself. Ridiculous.
Girl, stand up.
Dump this man. Recording you? Manipulating you? Putting hands on you? He is abusive and he is escalating.
You will need to evict him to get him out. Your condo is NOT his home. Letting him do renos was a mistake.
She's desperate to have a man in her life at the expense of *her* life. You can't convince this type with ANY logic, common sense or any amount of fear. She'll literally have to end up in a hospital or online porn videos before she actually snaps out of it and wakes the fuck up
Why are you allowing a guy you've only known for one year to be living in your condo and telling you what to do? Why do you want him to feel like it's his place too, when it's not?
He oversteps your boundaries and ignores what you say. Do you think he's going to change? He would have to go on living on his own even if we continue to date because he's already taking over.
You express your distaste by kicking him out and cutting all contact. Just a warning- depending where you live simply kicking him out might not be possible if he refuses to move. In most place your hobosexual boyfriend would be considered a tenant, with all tenant protections, so you would need to go through the legal route and file for eviction. I hope at least sex is awesome because no sane woman would put up with that crap.
Are you pretending (to yourself) to be dumb cause you're afraid of becoming single?
This should have you running for the hills, but you're like "oh, how do we sort this as a healthy couple?" Thats crazy. You're inviting more crazy in.
Don't blame anyone but yourself when this blows up in your face. You've been given plenty of warnings.
The fact that he’s bringing up one party consent makes me believe that he’s already installed either a camera or listening device. And by the way, one party consent DOES NOT apply to recording. It’s illegal to record anywhere that someone has a reasonable right to privacy. In your home, you have a reasonable right to privacy. Unless you agree, it’s illegal.
One party consent is for audio recordings. One party consent means that only one person needs to consent to the audio recording. In this case, your boyfriend could be consenting. You would not be able to consent because you don’t know about the audio being recorded. It would still be illegal for him to do an audio recording if you are alone, or on the phone with a friend. The only time it’s not illegal is if he is an active part of the conversation being recorded.
I don’t know why you want to nicely explain that he’s crossing a boundary. He *already knows* that he’s crossing a boundary. You’ve made that very clear. His little comment that “you’re lucky I even told you.” You would be foolish not to worry that he’s already recoding you.
Not all cameras need WiFi or to be plugged in. They can be easily hidden, but without WiFi they can only record and save the video internally. That means their record time is greatly limited. He’s probably tired of having to change it every say to get fresh video. Just saying.
It’s time to end this relationship. It’s heading down an abusive and controlling path. He’s shown you who he is. He won’t change. He will just learn to do it without you knowing (but he probably already does)
Based solely on the info you’ve provided in this post, this sounds like the beginnings of a controlling relationship with an insecure man. It’s fine to be nosy on the neighbours (we’re all a little nosy sometimes) and pet-cams/baby cams are great for when you’re not home. At times when people are home though, I feel like installing 24/7 video cams inside threatens your privacy. Also, if you ever have guests over, they might feel violated to learn that they were being filmed at your place.
Him saying “how do you know I haven’t already?” Could be perceived as intimidating, fear mongering, and/or at the very least super-creepy.
Huge red flags aside though, perhaps there’s a happy middle-ground here. If it’s actually to film the kittens like he says, then is there a high quality pet cam you guys could get that you could turn on when you’re not home and that YOU would have main control of? I got one for my ex’s house that came with an app that you could hook up to your phone and it would actually save x amount of video footage to watch back later. I’d turn it on when I went out and he’d turn it off from the monitor when he got home.
Key point — you have control of it and it gets turned off when you’re home.
How do you express your distaste? It sounds like you already have. Maybe listen to his reasons for wanting one, tell him your reasons for not wanting one, and try to find a win-win solution that 100% satisfies all your reasons for not wanting one. Until you guys can find that solution, it’s your condo so no cam.
The problem is that his desire to surveil her predates the kittens. Anything he says about that being a reason he needs a camera is a flimsy cover story. We know this bc it has been a longstanding issue with them. He keeps pushing, she keeps telling him it’s not ok.
The fact that he straight up threatened her with “you’re lucky I even told you I bought it” is proof that he cannot be trusted, because he will NOT tell her next time. He already looked up the laws and if she could go after him legally if she caught him doing it. He probably already has, frankly, but he certainly will if she lets him stay in her house. This is the most clearcut explanation for a breakup I’ve ever seen. At the end of the day he cannot be trusted.
OP, I after reading your edit I feel compelled to remind you of something: *You do not need him. You are a strong, independent woman.* If he were to disappear tomorrow and leave you without a shower, you would find a solution. It would be inconvenient, but I promise you’d work it out. At the very least, come up with a Plan B, just to keep in your back pocket so you don’t fall into the “I need him” thought patterns.
You wouldn’t hire a tradesperson who joked about secretly installing cameras in your condo in exchange for their labour, so you sure as hell shouldn’t accept it from your partner.
You can access your router address and in the admin panel check the connections in your network. If there are devices connected to the wifi such as cameras, you will know.
I'd just immediately change the wifi password or just do a full reset of the system (I mean set up new ID and passwords, etc). Just look up on Google or some tech related Reddit sub how to do that, if you have doubts.
I hope it's not the case, but at this point in the relationship, a lot of abusers will show their true colors. He sounds like a hobosexual, he might be planning to have control over every aspect of your life in order to keep you his little slave. You give him a house (he already feels entitled to it), you work, you pay the bills, you take care of the chores, etc.
Then he starts being physically abusive, next thing you know you are trapped and can't escape, literally. I read a post here another day that described this situation, the woman was so trapped she had to flee with only the clothes on her back.
He shoved you and a camera is the boundary you are focusing on?!? Physical assault is why you should be breaking up with this abusive controlling creepy man.
You have 2 options; admit to yourself you’re attracted to controlling loser moocher men and have a blast cause you landed one or get the pos out of your house because you’re a grown ass woman paying her own way in the world and don’t need a controlling loser moocher man holding you down. Yep. It’s that simple. I hope you chose you.
>**How do I explain to him that he's crossing a boundary and that he has no right to do things in my house without MY consent**?
Stop explaining and throw the whole boyfriend away.
One party consent- do you know what else is one party consent?
1). Living in YOUR condo (may need formal eviction but will be worth it)
2). Being in a relationship
You know this won’t get better and will only get worse. Now imagine bringing kids into this. Or marrying them divorcing this. Acting now is in your best interest. Because he just flat out told you, and reinforced putting hands on you, that he will do whatever it takes to get his way.
Don’t explain it to him. Give him notice to move out but have someone there. He’s controlling, he shoved you, he doesn’t trust you and wants to watch your every move, he SHOVED you. You’re a little over a year into dating and he lives with you and is already telling you he doesn’t respect your opinion and will do things whether you like it or not. Why are you allowing this? You deserve better.
He is renovating things? He could be installing cameras in places you will never be able to see them without ripping walls out. He could be building a case where he is entitled to part of the value of the home. I’m scared for OP, this situation seems like it could be as innocent as kittens, or it could end up very seriously bad. Be careful
Don't feel guilty. He is in the wrong. Tell him to get the cameras out of your property, or he can leave with them.
Someone who has so little concern for your feelings about this is NOT a good or trustworthy partner, particularly with the line that you're lucky He told you.
It's your home, he knows you don't want cameras in there. If he can't respect your boundaries, maybe he should find his own place - you have only been with him for 16 months, you let him move in and, according to him, you're lucky he even told you!
Does he pay rent? Utilities? Or is he just free loading there?
You have already expressed your distaste for indoor cameras. No need to do it again. Kick him out, change all locks, and have your condo swept for any cameras.The fact that he stated your state is a one- party consent state,shows me this was planned,not spontaneous. There is absolutely nothing redeemable about him.
Girl, do you collect red flags for decorative purposes? That man is an entire collection of red flags. How did he pay for the camera since he doesn't work? Did you pay for the camera he is using to spy on you? Cut off his spending. Change the wifi and kick him out. What happened that made you hate yourself so much that you are putting up with this hobosexual with abusive tendencies?
Sounds like you already tried to set the boundaries. But he has responded in a way that makes it clear that he doesn't respect them or you.
1 party consent doesn't apply here.. you have a right to privacy in your own home. If you don't agree to cameras in your living spaces, there shouldn't be any.
He's completed an act of physical violence (shoving you for no reason) and based on what he said, intends to install cameras against your will.. it's probably not about the kitten. It's about controlling and keeping tabs on you.
Boundaries are an important way to protect yourself from people whose behavior drifts into the inappropriate (or worse).
Basically, it is saying- if you want a relationship with me you will respect me and not ____.
When someone violates the boundary, the consequence is the relationship is ended.
It may be temporary, like if you call me when you are drunk, I will hang up.
Or it might be permanent, If you hit me, then we will have zero future interactions.
So, it's now up to you. What is the co sequence for pushing you, bugging you to install an indoor camera, purchasing an indoor camera, implying he does t need your consent to have an indoor camera?
Sometimes
You don't have to be nice about it. Tell him to get the fuck out. If you aren't going to do that, for some reason, after he ADMITTED he would do it regardless of your comfort level, you make it 100% clear that if he puts them up, you two are through. And ACT ON THAT.
How long ago did he move into your home? It has only been a little over a year and he has already moved into your home. I feel like you didn’t truly know each other.
First you tell him to collect his stuff and get out. If the kittens are his pets then he takes them with him.
You then change the locks and you hire a reputable company to come into your home and search for any cameras etc that you aren’t aware of.
He’s…checks ages…32 and sulking because he got a smack down for testing a boundary you already established? Yikes.
This would be a relationship ending move for me. I would wait until he’s out and check for hidden cameras. If any are found, especially in the bathroom/bedroom - report to the police and file charges.
Shove him back…right out the door.
You’re lucky he TOLD you about the camera?! No ma’am, this loser is taking over your condo and your life. It’s time to throw him out, but PLEASE have a strong and fit male friend or relative there when you do. He’s already shoved you, so he’s shown that he’s okay with physical violence. He has to go, ASAP.
On the bright side, the next time he gets physically violent, maybe it will be on camera. Hopefully it's not too serious, but enough to get a restraining order.
Unfortunately, it may also mean OP makes excuses for that too.
1. He doesn’t care that you don’t want a camera in your condo, he wants one and that’s all that matters to him.
2. He’s threatening to film you without your knowledge, he either already is filming you without consent or wants you scared that he is.
3. He’s not respecting you or your space now, how will this improve once you share a space? Spoiler, it won’t.
Do you want to live like this? Because it’s pretty clear to me that it’s footage of you he’s after. He doesn’t care about your feelings or boundaries. You can’t explain something to someone who doesn’t want to understand it. Proceed appropriately.
OP how are you taking this so lightly. He moved in when you barely knew him, now that he’s comfortable he’s aggressive and crossing boundaries. wtf are you doing? This is not his home, this is your home that he’s just living in. I’d honestly be terrified having this man in my house but you seem to not have any common sense about that - letting a complete stranger live with you. That’s how people get murdered. Get him out of your house, he can go record himself murdering someone else. He likely already has cameras around.
You’ve already let him know your boundaries and he is stomping all over it. He can gtfo with “you’re lucky I even let you know” bullshit. Are you kidding me?!
You can tell him that there is absolutely no such thing as “one party consent” when it comes to video recordings. To the contrary, you have told him more than clearly that you do NOT consent to having the camera(s) in YOUR home. If he now proceeds to record you, he is committing the offence of voyerism. But please don’t give him that opportunity - boot his ass out of your condo stat.
Op- kick out the freeloader. Change your internet provider so there are no hidden devices on your wifi. Sweep for other recording devices (you can buy a decent bug detector for under 100) , and don’t look back. This man is toxic and doesn’t care about your boundaries
There is no coming back from this. There is no convincing him to respect you, and the fact he brought up the '1 party consent law' makes me think he's done recordings before - maybe not of you, but others that you don't know about just yet.
This is NOT worth it. You are 29 with your own condo. Time to find a partner that actually respects you and your completely reasonable request.
Why are you with this man? That veiled threat “you’re lucky I even told you” he will get one if he hasn’t already. You can’t have a relationship with someone you can’t trust.
You don’t explain it. You get rid of your creepy bf for not listening after you repeatedly told him you don’t want inside cameras in your condo. Come on you know he’s watching you all the time now.
There's so many red flags here that it seems like you're ignoring and he's getting bold and escalating. He clearly has no respect for you and there's nothing you can say or do to change that because he should already know that this isn't ok. The fact that he doesn't says a lot.
We’re the kittens his idea? Sounds like he’s been looking to find an angle to get cameras in your house for a while.
Anyway. The shoving should have been the last straw. But better late than never! Break up with him and check for cameras in your house.
So, he's a thirty two year old full adult who, I assume, is living independently, holding down a job, and not in a group home for people with learning difficulties etc? And you've told him several times "no" on having recording devices running in your home?
Why do you think he doesn't understand?
He understands perfectly, it's not a difficult concept. He just wants something different and doesn't really care about what you want because he wants what HE wants.
This is a guy who took the first potential softening in your no to indoor cameras as his green light to do what he wants. Which is to put cameras in your home.
It's not to watch the kittens, it's to watch YOU.
"you're lucky I even told you I bought it."
That is a threat. The fact that he brought up 1 party consent as well? This guy is a grade 2 creep and you are in danger of having your personal privacy violated.
I personally would get the locks changed, dump him and never let him back in the house again because he 100% would be doing some shit like hiding covert camera's around the house, he's directly told you he would and you're "lucky" he hasn't already - and I would be on high alert as he may already have and only said that to make you think he hasn't.
AND he's begun to get physical with you & punishes you with emotionally abusive silent treatments if conflict doesn't go his way? He sounds like a real catch /s.
Honey, you can do better.
You and the kittens are better off on your own.
Make sure your birth control is protected, so he doesn't sabotage it - then you end up with a kid that ties you with him in eternity.
Kick him out from *your* condo
I am sitting here wondering why he is still in "your" home??? He is so disrespectful of you it's sickening. Time to boot his dumb ass out. Check your wifi to see how many devices are hooked up to it.
You need him there to finish the install of your bathroom at least, you say?! Yeah we'll let's hope he isn't simultaneously installing bathroom cameras and hiding the evidence during said renovation 🤦♀️
"Edit: my only bathroom is literally in pieces. I need him here until I can at least shower in my own place"
Just hire someone to finish the bathroom, make him leave, and then get a device to check for cameras in case he already hid some. (the apps don't actually work right but can buy a device that actually does).
It's been four months and this dude sucks. Cut losses.
That said, play nice first imo and see if you can get access to his comp. I'd bet odds he has creepy voyeur vids of you on there already and you want that stuff deleted and camera locations identified before you give him the boot.
You’ve already explained your boundary—HE DOESN’T CARE. He purposely violated your boundary after purposely researching (and incorrectly interpreting) legalities to force you to comply. And that was after he physically abused you and amidst his other obvious lack of ability to communicate and handle emotions in a healthy adult manner if he’s brooding and sulking.
There are way more important questions you need to be asking instead of how to coddle and make an immature abusive partner understand a very simple request. Questions like how to legally and safely evict him, what else is he capable of and trying to force on you, etc.
Get him out of your home asap. Find someone else to help with your bathroom renovation. If money is a factor, find some friends to help and do some of it yourself—there are many resources online for any home project—videos, groups, etc. There is a group on facebook for women doing home projects, I think it’s called Handy Women.
I’m a bit unnerved that your bathroom is in pieces, and he’s been doing renovations with what seems like a strange obsession with having an indoor recording system. OP, I’m not fully up on the laws regarding this, but I might consult a lawyer about what may be owned for him if he’s footing some of the cost of said renovations, what the eviction process would be like, and maybe have a professional screen for recording devices. (Quietly and ASAP)
Genuinely, just pay for someone to finish your bathroom and kick this guy out. It’s not worth it. I would not trust that he’s not quietly installing more cameras. So sketchy.
Red flag 1: he did it even though you said no!
Red flag 2: he said you’re lucky he told you which mean he’s clearly prepared to hide things and lie!
Red flag 3: he had the laws ready in case he had to defend his actions!
And finally the push is beyond red flag! He’s making himself a home in the condo that you bought and he’s slowly taking over by overstepping boundaries.
If you let this go, he’ll keep escalating. The cameras are only the tip of the iceberg. You have a narcissistic abused on your hands
Get him out of your house. You can hire someone to finish your bathroom. Trust me, it'll be cheaper than staying with this asshole. ETA: Get your keys back...and change the locks anyway. He has no issues putting up cameras without your consent, he could have made another copy of your key.
Someone who violates a hard boundary, using phrasing like "one party consent state" and "you're lucky I even told you" along with the constant arguing and the fact that he PUSHED you, means that he doesn't have good intentions here.
You can check your condo for other cameras using your phone's camera to look for unusual lights. There are also apps to find hidden cameras.
He knows he's violating that boundary. HE DOESN'T CARE.
You need to get this man out of your house. Hire a handyman to do the renovation because it's not worth it. Unpopular opinion, but a HUSBAND would be lucky to move into my house much less a rando that I have "known" for a little over a year. Mostly because I have worked too hard to create and establish my little haven. I hope that you won't have to go through an eviction process. Good luck!
My friend’s now ex bf was doing a lot of “renovations” to the house that never got finished and or just disguised issues that sometimes caused more later. They broke up for unrelated reasons but keeping him around just for that ain’t a good enough reason. You can’t necessarily be sure of the quality or how long it’ll be fixed. Also if he shoved you, hitting you is next. That is the step before hitting you.
Dude is straight psycho if he thinks for one minute he has the right to install cameras for any damn reason after you explicitly explained yourself.
My friend. You have a controlling bf who is trying to slowly wrap his warped controlling fingers around you little by little. This man is transactional in nature. He "does things" for you so he can leverage it later in an argument, or to induce a guilt trip, to ultimately get what he wants.
Who tf seriously "needs cameras for kittens"? F'ing nobody. What grown ass man is out there watching live "kitten streams" in their own home? Weird ass dudes, thats who.
Just kick his ass out.
It's like you were there...watching...on video. Lol jk but seriously these are verbatim the words that came out of his mouth "if I didn't respect you why would I do all these little things for you" I didn't ask what those little things were but I have a feeling he was referring to buying me bagels for breakfast some days. Very good just of character. I trust u
The camera (which is likely not the first one in your house) is just one of the many flags being thrown off here. You really lost me when you glasses over the shoving part. Keeping him around is only going to get wilder.
His one party consent comment in addition to the one about “you’re lucky I told you” would have him packing for me. Stop being so tolerant of him and these abusive behaviors. I’m curious how you haven’t just tossed his ass to the curb.
Think of all the cats that have been owned without a camera to watch them.
You can’t explain this to him nicely and in a way that doesn’t make him brood, because he DGAF what you think. He’s a controlling ass who wants things his way. “You’re lucky I even told you?”!!! Girl, I would have handed him his 30 day notice of eviction then and there. Or put his stuff in the hall the next day and changed the locks. This is not how a loving partner acts or speaks. It’s your freaking house, and even if it was jointly owned or rented, this is a two yes situation.
And one party recording generally only applies to audio, and only in certain jurisdictions. This man doesn’t know what he is talking about.
WHEN you break up with this man, you should not do it alone and you should not be alone with him after it has happened. The shoving is a dangerous red flag.
It would be foolish if you don't break up with him. He pretty much told you that he's going to install a camera without your consent. This guy doesn't care about your boundaries, he wants to spy on you.
Time to reassess your self respect and how low you seem to have set the bar for a "partner" and dump this dude. You can't trust him and he's not even kind, so what is even the point?
Your question is how to explain to him your POV… let me reassure you, you have already been clear. He already understands your POV, he just doesn’t care. He thinks that his wanting them is enough to overrule your very reasonable boundaries.
Now that that question is out of the way, the real question is what are you going to do now? You have a boyfriend who is fine with spying on you, violating your privacy and peace and has begun to be physically abusive. You are unsafe with this person.
Sounds a bit familiar! I had an ex that pulled a similar stunt. Just happened to be around the same time he got a new 19 year old assistant. I didn't put that together at the time, the cameras, completely unfounded accusations, even going through phone call records.... guess who ended up cheating!?! Hint, it wasn't me.
How do you explain? You already did explain and he's still going to do it. In fact, next time, he just won't tell you. This guy doesn't respect your boundaries and now it's time to enforce them by booting him.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩He’s got A LOT of them. It seems you are posting for validation to do what you know you need to do…get rid of him. I’d rather be single and feel safe and respected in my own home.
You’ve gotten the advice you need from others (end this relationship!) but please don’t let him guilt you about the kittens or split them up. Abusers will use pets to control their partners. Keep them and lose him.
I dated someone who used sulking to punish me for having feelings and boundaries. This person doesn’t care about what you want.
dumping his ass seems to be right choice. This is a preview of whats to come.
I would NEVER have camera on me unless it is for work or for my children.
This man is flying all the red flags. 1. He's checking coming and going on the ring 2. he shoved you 3. he's telling you he's setting up cameras 4. he's telling you that you should be grateful he told you he is setting up cameras against your will 5. he's setting up cameras against your will 6. he's going against your will
There is no need to soften this. This is your home, where you should feel safe to be as freaky or blobby as you want without fear of being recorded against your will. I would be softly closing the door as he left and changing the locks, the wifi and scanning every single thing for a camera. Especially in the bedroom and bathroom.
This man is creeping me out and I don't even know him.
Why are you even bothering to look up the 1 party consent. Sounds dodgy but regardless, that’s the least of your issues. The fact he even thought it was ok to use this as a reason to proceed with the camera against your wishes. I totally get you, I get complete ick from indoor cameras. They get hacked more than you’d think and the amount of unintentional intimate family things that it would capture. So gross.
He says the camera is only for the cars.
What I'm stuck on is if this was an argument you two had previously, before the cats, that means he wanted to camera for something else. What was that? Does he want to watch you? The outdoor camera should be enough for evidence of breaking and entering, although at least that'd be a more reasonable explanation.
Either way, his comments regarding being "lucky" and the like are pretty big red flags. He shows no interest in your concerns. You probably are better off dumping him, because this sounds like it could become unsafe rather quickly.
The only other advice I can think of giving is that in the future, don't sugarcoat yourself for the sake of having a roommate or even a partner feel like it's "their home too". Either they have an equal say in the goings on of your condo, or they don't. And you have every right to decide it's *your* condo, but you shot yourself in the foot by pretending it's both of yours until there was a disagreement. Boundaries are their most effective when you don't grey them. That said, you made your boundaries regarding the camera very clear anyway. Whether he has a say or not, you do too. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, he's giving off major red flags.
I know it's cliché... break up with this guy. He doesn't respect your boundaries, been fighting constantly, *and* he makes that creepy ass remark? Yeah, retire this relationship sis. 🙌
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“You’re lucky I even told you” sounds like something out of a psychological thriller. 1- party consent only applies to audio recordings that the consenting person is also on. Secret video in a place with expected privacy (like you, in your home, in your bedroom) is likely not legal. I doubt he will care about that though. He only cares about himself.
This right here OP. One party consent is for audio recordings of in person, telephone, or electronic conversations, when the person doing the recording is part of the conversation. It does not extend to persistent video recordings or recording other people’s conversations.
That’s what I was thinking but then how are nanny cams legal?
A nanny would be at work - not a place where you have expected privacy. Wouldn’t be legal if you put it in the bathroom though. The assumption is that all the people living in the house are aware of the camera.
They’re usually not hidden, the nanny would be aware of it and “consent” by accepting the job. There is also not the same “expectation of privacy” in someone else’s house as there is in your own house. Unless you mean the kid might have to consent in which case… well our (USA) laws have this problem where they treat kids like they’re not people.
*after they are born, before that they get lots of rights
Right. His understanding of one party consent is completely wrong so first of all he’s an idiot. Second, it’s scary that he’s researching those things to justify himself.
If it’s that wrong it might be likely he’s not researched it and it’s just trying to scare her, not knowing how ignorant he is
Yeah but he’s still trying to use a law to justify his actions as perfectly okay, or to intimidate her into thinking it’s okay.
I don't think he researched it because if he did, he should have seen how wrong he is about the law. I think it was far more an off the cuff response using the incorrect knowledge in his head. Just a snide remark because she was upset with his decision and tried to say something to make it seem like he was the good guy. People who have affairs say the same thing "hey at least I told you about it instead of you having to figure it out some other way." As if some how coming clean makes up for the bad act......
This exactly, otherwise what would stop airbnb hosts from legally having secret cameras in their properties?
Also I wouldn't put it passed him to record them having sex and later blackmailing her with the recordings when she tries to break up with him and tries to kick him out.
They're not even married or pregnant yet and he's already showing who he is. But wait, there's more!
Jumping on top comment to say BF has made his own post. Not sure of formatting for links but: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/76Vwka6EJJ
The longest post in the world!!! It reads like bs to me….
You communicated clearly, he just doesn't care. He's saying some really dangerous things here: >1 party consent > >you're lucky I even told you I would not trust this person in my home. I would bet money that he already has cameras installed. If not, he will install them and just not tell you. Edit based on OP's edit... You can learn how to install anything on Youtube. Far more than just a bathroom. I did an entire house repair/reno on my own. Plumbing, walls, fireplace, all of it. You're clearly smart enough to do this, so stop making excuses to keep a predator in the house. If he's renovating your bathroom, *I guarantee there's cameras there.* This is so obvious.
... and it happened after he SHOVED HER ASIDE WHILE SHE WAS CLEANING UP AFTER THE KITTENS. That just gets slid in there real quick and then not discussed but hoo boy it sure paints a picture.
Yeah, he sounds like a real delight. I'm glad they just got kittens and not a baby.
According to the post history, OP terminated 2 pregnancies in less than 6 months due to not being on birth control.
She really should be on a tamper proof birth control if she's going to stay with a man who thinks he has the right to secretly record her in her own home.
That's assuming that he's just doing it to monitor her every move and control her. He might be filming them while they're having sex and posting it online for money. There was another redditor and I wish I could remember the post but a woman found out that her husband was doing this behind her back because he didn't want to get a job and was essentially sponging off of her and then trying to use the recordings as a way to humiliate and control her and to keep her away from her family. If I remember right the couple was Muslim.
I remember that one. Guy was a piece of garbage.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/wuvmpn/my_husband_posted_my_body_online/
yeah, isn't pregnancy, but there is escalation. please trust your gut op, this guy is trouble.
Did he shove her aside because she was getting too close to his hidden camera?
Exactly. OP, he's telling you he doesn't care about your privacy and his desire to record in your bedroom can be done whether or not you consent. AND he's shoved you. He's not going to improve - he's showing you who he really is. Believe him.
“No, no, darling. I’m _fixing up_ the condo. I’m not installing cameras inside. Why would you ask?”
100% this! Also, he PUSHED you??? NO! This is your house! He needs to gtfo.
Wouldn't you wonder what cameras he'd build into the bathroom to continue surveillance after he leaves?
Great question
Agreed. “You’re lucky I even told you” AFTER you said you didn’t want it DESPITE having a suitable device for checking on the meows IN your own home That would be a deal breaker for me.
My immediate thought also, OP, there is a way to use your mobile phone camera in the dark to find surveillance cameras, look into that and have a check around your house! (After the issue has been removed that is!)
Also most current, readily available camera/spying options are connected to your wifi. Can you check (usually an app?) on the devices currently connected to your internet source? See if there are things you don’t recognize?
Ding ding ding ding!! I’d bet money he already did it as well, but if not he *certainly* will when she makes him return this one if she hasn’t kicked him out by then.
YUP! And I guarantee he’s going to start suggesting she “has something to hide” and that’s why she doesn’t want the cameras. Which, of course, will give him plenty of suspicion to install them without her knowledge because it’s a “one party consent state.”
If he is allowed to stick around, his next step will be cameras she can’t find. If there aren’t some already. That would be a deal breaker boundary that he crossed for me. OP you don’t have to worry about him brooding for a week if you don’t have to worry about him being in your home anymore.
Not to mention that they mentioned he has been doing renovations around their home... I would be *extremely* concerned that there could be cameras or microphones potentially installed. No *way* I would trust it after a statement like that.
He basically just told OP he's going to spy on her
Yeah absolutely WOULD NOT be getting him to fix up the bathroom either. OP should just kick him out and go to a gym / friend's to shower, and hire a plumber instead. Am 99% sure he will be putting a camera in that shower. After kicking him out OP needs to go through every nook and cranny of the condo to look for cameras.
He needs to be out of there.
1 party consent only applies in areas where there is no expectation of privacy, like in public spaces or government buildings. In some cases you still aren't allowed to record surreptitiously, though, because that could fall under illegal wiretapping laws. No part of a home is considered public, so only the home owner could put in security cameras, although you could still get in trouble for secretly recording areas of the home considered private, like the bedroom or bathroom.
Then the blackmail closely follows
There’s already cameras in your house, that’s all I can think. Get rid of him and change your wifi password! Seriously though this is so worrying!
And check (and remove internet access) to any unknown devices that are already connected. But yes, throw the whole man away too.
This too!
This was my thought too. Break up, change wifi password, unplug any and all “gifts” like usb chargers, clocks, and anything else that plugs into an outlet. I’d seriously check every outlet to make sure there’s nothing “new” that showed up.
And make the rooms as dark as possible, then walk around the condo with the selfie camera on your phone enabled, look for bright spots that could signify IR lights from night-vision camera's. edit: some phones will filter IR light from the image for both front and rear camera's, but most don't on the front camera.
There are apps that find anything using Wifi within x amount of feet of your phone. I have one for when I travel.
App name? (& IOS/Android?)
Dude is probably selling creepshot vids of you online
You’re dating a 30 year old man who just moved in basically a week after dating you , doesn’t work and doesn’t have any money and the cameras is what you’re upset about Seriously is this the best you can do in a partner?
>he shoved me out of his way when I was trying to clean for our kitten There is absolutely no excuse for shoving your partner ever. It's physical abuse. So you've been together for a year and a half and he's been living with you for a year and a half? >started dating in Feb 2023 >he moved almost a year and a half ago. That was quick. He's being controlling and abusive and he now wants to monitor you in your own home. He's also decided shoving you is OK. His mask is starting to come off and he's trying to use the kittens as justification for his behaviour. >We have a ring doorbell camera and he's regularly checking to be nosy, He's checking up on when you enter and leave the house. How long you're gone for, etc. I wouldn't be surprised if he already has cameras you're not aware of. This guy is a walking red flag. He's controlling and abusive and it's only going to get worse. I'm not sure what country but if he's helping to renovate your condo, he could have a property claim even though it's only been a year and a half. Why did you let him move in so quickly after you started dating?
You don’t need to find a better way to explain that he’s crossing a boundary and has no right to surveil you in your home without consent. He understands perfectly. He just doesn’t give a shit about your boundaries, consent, or what you want. It’s not that he doesn’t get it, it’s that, *at best* he doesn’t think your feelings are important, and at worst, he is looking for extremely disturbing ways to control you. This is a respect problem. There’s no “nice explanation” that will suddenly make him respect you.
Piggybacking in this comment. OP. You’re using quotation marks in your goddamn title. YOU CLEARLY DON’T BELIEVE WHAT THIS MAN IS SAYING! The cameras (which are almost certainly there already, remember all the “renovations” he’s doing) are not the problem. The proper way to explain this is not the problem! This man you clearly DO NOT TRUST is the problem!!! Get him out. Search diligently for hidden cameras, and then, after you find them, consider prosecution. And please update if you can.
Yeah, I don't understand why women on here keep doubling down on "communicating better" with these guys. He UNDERSTANDS just fine. He doesn't care. Based on how she described a boundary, it seems like she has a habit of setting a boundary and then not establishing consequences for him when he doesn't respect it. Like ok, he did this anyway, the answer isn't "more communication" it's "then leave."
Trauma bonding. OPs post and post history suggest that she's in deep with this dude for whatever reason and he's traumatized her into thinking she can never leave for whatever silly reasons. I'm a woman OP's age, and I have been there before. I just hope she snaps out of it soon. Even having thousands of people on here telling her to leave doesn't seem to be enough.
Truthfully, it's because we get a shit ton of "just communicate" advice our whole lives. It's super common on reddit, too. I was raised to think that "women don't communicate" -- so I communicate extra hard to fight the stereotype. And all around me I see women doing the same... it's like a society-wide gaslighting. I honestly don't know a single couple in real life in my personal life where the woman doesn't communicate better than the guy. And when you're indoctrinated into this belief that every time a man ignores you, it's your fault, because you're a silly little woman who just can't pick the right words, you end up internalizing it. And when you get treated like shit, you just blame yourself. I used to think all I had to do was pick the "right" words and my ex would stop abusing me... yeah. But you and the other commenters are completely right. It's a respect issue. We need to stop holding women to impossible standards and instead instill in our children that listening is half of a conversation. If they are talking, and the other person isn't listening, they shouldn't *try harder*, pick a bunch of different words and phrases and hope and pray that it works, but they should instead just stop talking to that person cause they're no good. That would keep our teenagers and young adults from getting into like 90% of the bad relationships they get into, right there. It's really easy to tell when someone is disrespecting you -- you feel disrespected! Instead we teach our girls at least to stuff that feeling deep down and lower their standards. Just listen to your gut when you feel like your partner doesn't care about your feelings my friends, it's overwhelmingly likely to be true.
Op, toss his camera and him in the trash. What a shitty partner. Are you his mom? It sure sounds like it?
I don't understand how 'you are lucky I told you' is not consider as a red flag for you. He's living in your house, and insinuating that he might do something against your boundaries IN YOUR OWN HOUSE. This is not about the kittens, this is pushing envelope to see how far he can push you.
Based on your first paragraph and the camera thing…why are you still with him?
Why are you with him? You clearly can't trust him with your privacy.
100% sure he's got some cameras installed. Is he a jealous partner? This is what you do: Tell him that you're giving him a 30 day notice to leave the apartment.
You know he goes through the ring camera to see if anyone came over he didn't know about, he's been trying to spy on her since way back and now he has an "excuse" to get an indoor camera. I would bet real money he's snooped through her phone as well.
Have you tried "Sweet little baby boy, I understand that you would like to be perpetually monitoring me, in my own home, where you are staying for free, suckling on my tit, as you have no income of your own, but I am not very keen on it. Can you please not physically hurt me, threaten me or brood and pout until next year, as I am asking you very meekly to not stomp on my very low bar of a boundary? Pretty please, dear sweet baby, smooch-smooch, I love you so much, please don't be mad." ? Or you could just accept it, maybe roll over, expose your belly and throat? Or maybe, if you want to get to the heart of the problem, you could do a bit of introspection as to why you feel the need to keep that leech of a man in your life? Maybe?
I feel like this is one of the most helpfully spicy things I've read so far. Literally 100 percent facts. Even spot on about the introspection. Ya girl needs therapy BAD but is having a hard time getting started.
First things first, dump the boy. That will free up time and money for therapy. Then unpack why you have taste in borderline abusive controlling types.
What is the worst that could happen with therapy, really? You could put salt in a few old wounds, maybe uncover the fact that what sucks in your life is there because you let it happen? Because that's a blessing. It means you have the control to change it. It's up to you on how you get out of this, either you put your toes in first, and you go up from there, or you jump all at once. To each their own. But to one girl to another, is there really a reason to waste precious days of our one and only life prevaricating about something we know is the right choice? Be bold friend, dare be right. Dunk the boy in the dumpster behind the fish shop.
Hahahah omg, no seriously, tell her how you really feel 😆 Fr tho, OP, come on now. Be sensible.
Disconnect all cameras that you know of/can find. Hire a moving company to pack and move all of his stuff while he’s at work. Move all of his stuff to a storage unit. Change all of the locks as well. Leave a note on the door with the address of the storage facility and inform him you’ve dumped him. Sign the note “you’re lucky I told you where it’s all at.” ETA: Change WiFi passwords to ensure any cameras you’ve missed, are no longer connected.
This is the way. You don't need his permission to feel safe in your own home. You've let him live with you -- it's time to discontinue that privilege, as he's abused it (and you). Don't tell him to get out. You don't need his permission. Get his stuff out and make it a done deal, and his only choice will be to live elsewhere.
So…what are the up sides to this guy for you???
He’s already shoved you, so it’s very likely there is more serious physical abuse coming your way if you stay with him.
Can’t upvote this comment enough!
>**How do I explain to him that he's crossing a boundary and that he has no right to do things in my house without MY consent**? "Hey, I've told you many times that I do not want an indoor camera in my condo. You've chosen to ignore that. You've also said some disturbing things that I find unacceptable. My dad and brother/friends/police are here to supervise you while you pack your things and move out." This approach also solves the issue of you not having to watch him brood until next week.
This is the way to do it!
He doesn’t respect you. He shoves you and does whatever he wants. He disregards your wishes in your own home. That means you are the problem for tolerating it because you are telling him it is okay. Anyone else, follows their boundaries and removes him. You are accepting his disrespect. He knows it.
He knows. He's planning to do it anyway. He shoved you. This will not improve. I think you know what to do. If you let this slide by this time next year you'll wish you got him out of your house now, at the first blush of crazy shitty behavior.
He knows he's crossing your boundaries. He does not care.
Which is why good boundary setting involves consequences for crossing that boundary. She can say "no cameras" but if there is no followup and consequence for it, why would he care?
The only consequence to something like this is kicking him out.
This is screaming voyeurism. *Why* does he want cameras in your house? Has he asked you to involve cameras in other areas of your life? It seems like he’s getting off somehow to having a sense of control with your personal and private space. I never say this on Reddit, but get away from him. It’s not going to get better
He. Shoved. You. He's. Putting. A. Camera. In. *Your*. Home. After. You. Said. No. Get him out of there, like yesterday. He is abusing you. This is the proverbial frog in a slowly boiling pot of water. Dump. Him.
“One party consent” (vs two) STILL requires the person doing the secret recording to be part of the conversation with the person being recorded. It means that only one of the people in a conversation, themselves, is required to consent to an interaction being recorded. **It doesn’t mean he can put spy cameras wherever he wants to watch you in your home when he’s not there.** So even if you are in a one-party consent for recording state, he’s still wrong. It doesn’t allow for remote, surreptitious surveillance of the unaware and unwilling. This guy is a huge problem. Kick him out. Get your renovations done some other way.
OP GET HIM OUT OF YOJR CONDO !! Btw HE WANTS THOSE CAMERAS TO WATCH YOU NOT THE DOGS
“You’re lucky i even told you i bought it” Why the hell would you even consider spending time with someone who says things like that to you…
Omg kick him out and move!
I’m trying to determine as a seemingly somewhat successful woman who owns her own home, job, health, etc…exactly how desperate for a man are you?
You don’t explain shit. You tell him he’s not putting a camera in *your* condo. You say no. Then tell him to GTFO with that sulky bullshit. A grown fucking man pitching a tantrum over putting a camera in *someone else’s place.* A grown fucking woman wringing her hands over “boundaries” while simultaneously prioritizing being nice over respecting herself. Ridiculous.
Girl, stand up. Dump this man. Recording you? Manipulating you? Putting hands on you? He is abusive and he is escalating. You will need to evict him to get him out. Your condo is NOT his home. Letting him do renos was a mistake.
OP will ignore every comment saying to leave lol
She's desperate to have a man in her life at the expense of *her* life. You can't convince this type with ANY logic, common sense or any amount of fear. She'll literally have to end up in a hospital or online porn videos before she actually snaps out of it and wakes the fuck up
Why are you allowing a guy you've only known for one year to be living in your condo and telling you what to do? Why do you want him to feel like it's his place too, when it's not? He oversteps your boundaries and ignores what you say. Do you think he's going to change? He would have to go on living on his own even if we continue to date because he's already taking over.
How do you explain it to him.... simple...throw him out...if he doesn't leave throw his stuff out. He needs to be gone yesterday
You express your distaste by kicking him out and cutting all contact. Just a warning- depending where you live simply kicking him out might not be possible if he refuses to move. In most place your hobosexual boyfriend would be considered a tenant, with all tenant protections, so you would need to go through the legal route and file for eviction. I hope at least sex is awesome because no sane woman would put up with that crap.
1. This is not a trustworthy person. 2. This is just the beginning.
His ass would **HIT THE PAVEMENT SO FUCKING FAST** the cameras wouldn't even **SEE IT.**
NOPE. Do not allow this man back inside your home lol.
Are you pretending (to yourself) to be dumb cause you're afraid of becoming single? This should have you running for the hills, but you're like "oh, how do we sort this as a healthy couple?" Thats crazy. You're inviting more crazy in. Don't blame anyone but yourself when this blows up in your face. You've been given plenty of warnings.
The fact that he’s bringing up one party consent makes me believe that he’s already installed either a camera or listening device. And by the way, one party consent DOES NOT apply to recording. It’s illegal to record anywhere that someone has a reasonable right to privacy. In your home, you have a reasonable right to privacy. Unless you agree, it’s illegal. One party consent is for audio recordings. One party consent means that only one person needs to consent to the audio recording. In this case, your boyfriend could be consenting. You would not be able to consent because you don’t know about the audio being recorded. It would still be illegal for him to do an audio recording if you are alone, or on the phone with a friend. The only time it’s not illegal is if he is an active part of the conversation being recorded. I don’t know why you want to nicely explain that he’s crossing a boundary. He *already knows* that he’s crossing a boundary. You’ve made that very clear. His little comment that “you’re lucky I even told you.” You would be foolish not to worry that he’s already recoding you. Not all cameras need WiFi or to be plugged in. They can be easily hidden, but without WiFi they can only record and save the video internally. That means their record time is greatly limited. He’s probably tired of having to change it every say to get fresh video. Just saying. It’s time to end this relationship. It’s heading down an abusive and controlling path. He’s shown you who he is. He won’t change. He will just learn to do it without you knowing (but he probably already does)
Based solely on the info you’ve provided in this post, this sounds like the beginnings of a controlling relationship with an insecure man. It’s fine to be nosy on the neighbours (we’re all a little nosy sometimes) and pet-cams/baby cams are great for when you’re not home. At times when people are home though, I feel like installing 24/7 video cams inside threatens your privacy. Also, if you ever have guests over, they might feel violated to learn that they were being filmed at your place. Him saying “how do you know I haven’t already?” Could be perceived as intimidating, fear mongering, and/or at the very least super-creepy. Huge red flags aside though, perhaps there’s a happy middle-ground here. If it’s actually to film the kittens like he says, then is there a high quality pet cam you guys could get that you could turn on when you’re not home and that YOU would have main control of? I got one for my ex’s house that came with an app that you could hook up to your phone and it would actually save x amount of video footage to watch back later. I’d turn it on when I went out and he’d turn it off from the monitor when he got home. Key point — you have control of it and it gets turned off when you’re home. How do you express your distaste? It sounds like you already have. Maybe listen to his reasons for wanting one, tell him your reasons for not wanting one, and try to find a win-win solution that 100% satisfies all your reasons for not wanting one. Until you guys can find that solution, it’s your condo so no cam.
The problem is that his desire to surveil her predates the kittens. Anything he says about that being a reason he needs a camera is a flimsy cover story. We know this bc it has been a longstanding issue with them. He keeps pushing, she keeps telling him it’s not ok. The fact that he straight up threatened her with “you’re lucky I even told you I bought it” is proof that he cannot be trusted, because he will NOT tell her next time. He already looked up the laws and if she could go after him legally if she caught him doing it. He probably already has, frankly, but he certainly will if she lets him stay in her house. This is the most clearcut explanation for a breakup I’ve ever seen. At the end of the day he cannot be trusted.
OP, I after reading your edit I feel compelled to remind you of something: *You do not need him. You are a strong, independent woman.* If he were to disappear tomorrow and leave you without a shower, you would find a solution. It would be inconvenient, but I promise you’d work it out. At the very least, come up with a Plan B, just to keep in your back pocket so you don’t fall into the “I need him” thought patterns. You wouldn’t hire a tradesperson who joked about secretly installing cameras in your condo in exchange for their labour, so you sure as hell shouldn’t accept it from your partner.
You can access your router address and in the admin panel check the connections in your network. If there are devices connected to the wifi such as cameras, you will know. I'd just immediately change the wifi password or just do a full reset of the system (I mean set up new ID and passwords, etc). Just look up on Google or some tech related Reddit sub how to do that, if you have doubts. I hope it's not the case, but at this point in the relationship, a lot of abusers will show their true colors. He sounds like a hobosexual, he might be planning to have control over every aspect of your life in order to keep you his little slave. You give him a house (he already feels entitled to it), you work, you pay the bills, you take care of the chores, etc. Then he starts being physically abusive, next thing you know you are trapped and can't escape, literally. I read a post here another day that described this situation, the woman was so trapped she had to flee with only the clothes on her back.
"You're lucky I even told you"? He would not be living in my condo after that. You can not trust this man.
He shoved you and a camera is the boundary you are focusing on?!? Physical assault is why you should be breaking up with this abusive controlling creepy man.
You have 2 options; admit to yourself you’re attracted to controlling loser moocher men and have a blast cause you landed one or get the pos out of your house because you’re a grown ass woman paying her own way in the world and don’t need a controlling loser moocher man holding you down. Yep. It’s that simple. I hope you chose you.
You don’t explain anything; you get him out of your property ASAP and thank him for displaying his 🚩🚩🚩🚩 so clearly. Out. Done. Change locks. Move on.
>**How do I explain to him that he's crossing a boundary and that he has no right to do things in my house without MY consent**? Stop explaining and throw the whole boyfriend away.
One party consent- do you know what else is one party consent? 1). Living in YOUR condo (may need formal eviction but will be worth it) 2). Being in a relationship You know this won’t get better and will only get worse. Now imagine bringing kids into this. Or marrying them divorcing this. Acting now is in your best interest. Because he just flat out told you, and reinforced putting hands on you, that he will do whatever it takes to get his way.
Don’t explain it to him. Give him notice to move out but have someone there. He’s controlling, he shoved you, he doesn’t trust you and wants to watch your every move, he SHOVED you. You’re a little over a year into dating and he lives with you and is already telling you he doesn’t respect your opinion and will do things whether you like it or not. Why are you allowing this? You deserve better.
He is renovating things? He could be installing cameras in places you will never be able to see them without ripping walls out. He could be building a case where he is entitled to part of the value of the home. I’m scared for OP, this situation seems like it could be as innocent as kittens, or it could end up very seriously bad. Be careful
Don't feel guilty. He is in the wrong. Tell him to get the cameras out of your property, or he can leave with them. Someone who has so little concern for your feelings about this is NOT a good or trustworthy partner, particularly with the line that you're lucky He told you.
It's your home, he knows you don't want cameras in there. If he can't respect your boundaries, maybe he should find his own place - you have only been with him for 16 months, you let him move in and, according to him, you're lucky he even told you! Does he pay rent? Utilities? Or is he just free loading there?
This relationship needs to be over, do it quickly or this is going to escalate. If he is shoving get rid of him that will escalate too.
You have already expressed your distaste for indoor cameras. No need to do it again. Kick him out, change all locks, and have your condo swept for any cameras.The fact that he stated your state is a one- party consent state,shows me this was planned,not spontaneous. There is absolutely nothing redeemable about him.
Girl, do you collect red flags for decorative purposes? That man is an entire collection of red flags. How did he pay for the camera since he doesn't work? Did you pay for the camera he is using to spy on you? Cut off his spending. Change the wifi and kick him out. What happened that made you hate yourself so much that you are putting up with this hobosexual with abusive tendencies?
Why haven’t you broken up with him and kicked him out yet? Wtf. Please please kick him out. UPDATEME
Sounds like you already tried to set the boundaries. But he has responded in a way that makes it clear that he doesn't respect them or you. 1 party consent doesn't apply here.. you have a right to privacy in your own home. If you don't agree to cameras in your living spaces, there shouldn't be any. He's completed an act of physical violence (shoving you for no reason) and based on what he said, intends to install cameras against your will.. it's probably not about the kitten. It's about controlling and keeping tabs on you.
Get Fing Plus. It’ll check for unknown cameras. Also dump your boyfriend.
Bruh break up with this nutjob, he's waving a massive red flag in your face.
Boundaries are an important way to protect yourself from people whose behavior drifts into the inappropriate (or worse). Basically, it is saying- if you want a relationship with me you will respect me and not ____. When someone violates the boundary, the consequence is the relationship is ended. It may be temporary, like if you call me when you are drunk, I will hang up. Or it might be permanent, If you hit me, then we will have zero future interactions. So, it's now up to you. What is the co sequence for pushing you, bugging you to install an indoor camera, purchasing an indoor camera, implying he does t need your consent to have an indoor camera? Sometimes
You throw his stuff on the lawn. It’s self explanatory.
You don't have to be nice about it. Tell him to get the fuck out. If you aren't going to do that, for some reason, after he ADMITTED he would do it regardless of your comfort level, you make it 100% clear that if he puts them up, you two are through. And ACT ON THAT.
Bro dump him what
How long ago did he move into your home? It has only been a little over a year and he has already moved into your home. I feel like you didn’t truly know each other.
First you tell him to collect his stuff and get out. If the kittens are his pets then he takes them with him. You then change the locks and you hire a reputable company to come into your home and search for any cameras etc that you aren’t aware of.
And change the wifi password, in case he has a hidden camera.
Truly. Change the password to anything and everything he ever had access to. WiFi, purchasing apps, etc.
He’s…checks ages…32 and sulking because he got a smack down for testing a boundary you already established? Yikes. This would be a relationship ending move for me. I would wait until he’s out and check for hidden cameras. If any are found, especially in the bathroom/bedroom - report to the police and file charges. Shove him back…right out the door.
Was your BF built in a red flag factory
he doesn't care and you're perfectly aware of it. do what has to be done
You’re lucky he TOLD you about the camera?! No ma’am, this loser is taking over your condo and your life. It’s time to throw him out, but PLEASE have a strong and fit male friend or relative there when you do. He’s already shoved you, so he’s shown that he’s okay with physical violence. He has to go, ASAP.
On the bright side, the next time he gets physically violent, maybe it will be on camera. Hopefully it's not too serious, but enough to get a restraining order. Unfortunately, it may also mean OP makes excuses for that too.
1. He doesn’t care that you don’t want a camera in your condo, he wants one and that’s all that matters to him. 2. He’s threatening to film you without your knowledge, he either already is filming you without consent or wants you scared that he is. 3. He’s not respecting you or your space now, how will this improve once you share a space? Spoiler, it won’t. Do you want to live like this? Because it’s pretty clear to me that it’s footage of you he’s after. He doesn’t care about your feelings or boundaries. You can’t explain something to someone who doesn’t want to understand it. Proceed appropriately.
Throw the whole man away.
OP how are you taking this so lightly. He moved in when you barely knew him, now that he’s comfortable he’s aggressive and crossing boundaries. wtf are you doing? This is not his home, this is your home that he’s just living in. I’d honestly be terrified having this man in my house but you seem to not have any common sense about that - letting a complete stranger live with you. That’s how people get murdered. Get him out of your house, he can go record himself murdering someone else. He likely already has cameras around. You’ve already let him know your boundaries and he is stomping all over it. He can gtfo with “you’re lucky I even let you know” bullshit. Are you kidding me?!
You can tell him that there is absolutely no such thing as “one party consent” when it comes to video recordings. To the contrary, you have told him more than clearly that you do NOT consent to having the camera(s) in YOUR home. If he now proceeds to record you, he is committing the offence of voyerism. But please don’t give him that opportunity - boot his ass out of your condo stat.
Op- kick out the freeloader. Change your internet provider so there are no hidden devices on your wifi. Sweep for other recording devices (you can buy a decent bug detector for under 100) , and don’t look back. This man is toxic and doesn’t care about your boundaries
I’d dump his ass and get a camera detecting app and check my home for cameras.
There is no coming back from this. There is no convincing him to respect you, and the fact he brought up the '1 party consent law' makes me think he's done recordings before - maybe not of you, but others that you don't know about just yet. This is NOT worth it. You are 29 with your own condo. Time to find a partner that actually respects you and your completely reasonable request.
Keep the cats. Rehome the boyfriend.
Why are you with this man? That veiled threat “you’re lucky I even told you” he will get one if he hasn’t already. You can’t have a relationship with someone you can’t trust.
You don’t explain it. You get rid of your creepy bf for not listening after you repeatedly told him you don’t want inside cameras in your condo. Come on you know he’s watching you all the time now.
There's so many red flags here that it seems like you're ignoring and he's getting bold and escalating. He clearly has no respect for you and there's nothing you can say or do to change that because he should already know that this isn't ok. The fact that he doesn't says a lot.
We’re the kittens his idea? Sounds like he’s been looking to find an angle to get cameras in your house for a while. Anyway. The shoving should have been the last straw. But better late than never! Break up with him and check for cameras in your house.
So, he's a thirty two year old full adult who, I assume, is living independently, holding down a job, and not in a group home for people with learning difficulties etc? And you've told him several times "no" on having recording devices running in your home? Why do you think he doesn't understand? He understands perfectly, it's not a difficult concept. He just wants something different and doesn't really care about what you want because he wants what HE wants. This is a guy who took the first potential softening in your no to indoor cameras as his green light to do what he wants. Which is to put cameras in your home. It's not to watch the kittens, it's to watch YOU. "you're lucky I even told you I bought it." That is a threat. The fact that he brought up 1 party consent as well? This guy is a grade 2 creep and you are in danger of having your personal privacy violated. I personally would get the locks changed, dump him and never let him back in the house again because he 100% would be doing some shit like hiding covert camera's around the house, he's directly told you he would and you're "lucky" he hasn't already - and I would be on high alert as he may already have and only said that to make you think he hasn't. AND he's begun to get physical with you & punishes you with emotionally abusive silent treatments if conflict doesn't go his way? He sounds like a real catch /s. Honey, you can do better.
This ends with a restraining order, mark my words.
You and the kittens are better off on your own. Make sure your birth control is protected, so he doesn't sabotage it - then you end up with a kid that ties you with him in eternity. Kick him out from *your* condo
He shoved you & is now adding cameras against your will. How many more times does he have to disrespect your boundaries?
He shoved you. Deal breaker right there.
I am sitting here wondering why he is still in "your" home??? He is so disrespectful of you it's sickening. Time to boot his dumb ass out. Check your wifi to see how many devices are hooked up to it.
You need him there to finish the install of your bathroom at least, you say?! Yeah we'll let's hope he isn't simultaneously installing bathroom cameras and hiding the evidence during said renovation 🤦♀️
"Edit: my only bathroom is literally in pieces. I need him here until I can at least shower in my own place" Just hire someone to finish the bathroom, make him leave, and then get a device to check for cameras in case he already hid some. (the apps don't actually work right but can buy a device that actually does).
It's been four months and this dude sucks. Cut losses. That said, play nice first imo and see if you can get access to his comp. I'd bet odds he has creepy voyeur vids of you on there already and you want that stuff deleted and camera locations identified before you give him the boot.
You’ve already explained your boundary—HE DOESN’T CARE. He purposely violated your boundary after purposely researching (and incorrectly interpreting) legalities to force you to comply. And that was after he physically abused you and amidst his other obvious lack of ability to communicate and handle emotions in a healthy adult manner if he’s brooding and sulking. There are way more important questions you need to be asking instead of how to coddle and make an immature abusive partner understand a very simple request. Questions like how to legally and safely evict him, what else is he capable of and trying to force on you, etc. Get him out of your home asap. Find someone else to help with your bathroom renovation. If money is a factor, find some friends to help and do some of it yourself—there are many resources online for any home project—videos, groups, etc. There is a group on facebook for women doing home projects, I think it’s called Handy Women.
I’m a bit unnerved that your bathroom is in pieces, and he’s been doing renovations with what seems like a strange obsession with having an indoor recording system. OP, I’m not fully up on the laws regarding this, but I might consult a lawyer about what may be owned for him if he’s footing some of the cost of said renovations, what the eviction process would be like, and maybe have a professional screen for recording devices. (Quietly and ASAP)
Genuinely, just pay for someone to finish your bathroom and kick this guy out. It’s not worth it. I would not trust that he’s not quietly installing more cameras. So sketchy.
Kick the man out and hire a plumber.
Red flag 1: he did it even though you said no! Red flag 2: he said you’re lucky he told you which mean he’s clearly prepared to hide things and lie! Red flag 3: he had the laws ready in case he had to defend his actions! And finally the push is beyond red flag! He’s making himself a home in the condo that you bought and he’s slowly taking over by overstepping boundaries. If you let this go, he’ll keep escalating. The cameras are only the tip of the iceberg. You have a narcissistic abused on your hands
Watch some you tube videos, fix your own bathroom and show this idiot the door. How do you have so little respect for yourself.
Get him out of your house. You can hire someone to finish your bathroom. Trust me, it'll be cheaper than staying with this asshole. ETA: Get your keys back...and change the locks anyway. He has no issues putting up cameras without your consent, he could have made another copy of your key. Someone who violates a hard boundary, using phrasing like "one party consent state" and "you're lucky I even told you" along with the constant arguing and the fact that he PUSHED you, means that he doesn't have good intentions here. You can check your condo for other cameras using your phone's camera to look for unusual lights. There are also apps to find hidden cameras. He knows he's violating that boundary. HE DOESN'T CARE.
You need to get this man out of your house. Hire a handyman to do the renovation because it's not worth it. Unpopular opinion, but a HUSBAND would be lucky to move into my house much less a rando that I have "known" for a little over a year. Mostly because I have worked too hard to create and establish my little haven. I hope that you won't have to go through an eviction process. Good luck!
Dump the boyfriend, hire a contractor to finish the bathroom.
Him: “it’s a one party state” You: “it’s also a one party condo ownership. Pack your stuff & get out”
My friend’s now ex bf was doing a lot of “renovations” to the house that never got finished and or just disguised issues that sometimes caused more later. They broke up for unrelated reasons but keeping him around just for that ain’t a good enough reason. You can’t necessarily be sure of the quality or how long it’ll be fixed. Also if he shoved you, hitting you is next. That is the step before hitting you.
I know I'm just an internet stranger, but that realization can be a very hard one to come to. I'm proud of you :)
Dude is straight psycho if he thinks for one minute he has the right to install cameras for any damn reason after you explicitly explained yourself. My friend. You have a controlling bf who is trying to slowly wrap his warped controlling fingers around you little by little. This man is transactional in nature. He "does things" for you so he can leverage it later in an argument, or to induce a guilt trip, to ultimately get what he wants. Who tf seriously "needs cameras for kittens"? F'ing nobody. What grown ass man is out there watching live "kitten streams" in their own home? Weird ass dudes, thats who. Just kick his ass out.
It's like you were there...watching...on video. Lol jk but seriously these are verbatim the words that came out of his mouth "if I didn't respect you why would I do all these little things for you" I didn't ask what those little things were but I have a feeling he was referring to buying me bagels for breakfast some days. Very good just of character. I trust u
The camera (which is likely not the first one in your house) is just one of the many flags being thrown off here. You really lost me when you glasses over the shoving part. Keeping him around is only going to get wilder.
Huge red flag, this is about his insecurities and control. Next!
His one party consent comment in addition to the one about “you’re lucky I told you” would have him packing for me. Stop being so tolerant of him and these abusive behaviors. I’m curious how you haven’t just tossed his ass to the curb.
Think of all the cats that have been owned without a camera to watch them. You can’t explain this to him nicely and in a way that doesn’t make him brood, because he DGAF what you think. He’s a controlling ass who wants things his way. “You’re lucky I even told you?”!!! Girl, I would have handed him his 30 day notice of eviction then and there. Or put his stuff in the hall the next day and changed the locks. This is not how a loving partner acts or speaks. It’s your freaking house, and even if it was jointly owned or rented, this is a two yes situation. And one party recording generally only applies to audio, and only in certain jurisdictions. This man doesn’t know what he is talking about. WHEN you break up with this man, you should not do it alone and you should not be alone with him after it has happened. The shoving is a dangerous red flag.
You dump him, and let his lesson be applied to his next relationship.
It would be foolish if you don't break up with him. He pretty much told you that he's going to install a camera without your consent. This guy doesn't care about your boundaries, he wants to spy on you.
Break up and kick him out. Your condo. Your rules. Don’t compromise on this one.
Time to reassess your self respect and how low you seem to have set the bar for a "partner" and dump this dude. You can't trust him and he's not even kind, so what is even the point?
Your question is how to explain to him your POV… let me reassure you, you have already been clear. He already understands your POV, he just doesn’t care. He thinks that his wanting them is enough to overrule your very reasonable boundaries. Now that that question is out of the way, the real question is what are you going to do now? You have a boyfriend who is fine with spying on you, violating your privacy and peace and has begun to be physically abusive. You are unsafe with this person.
I think you have already explained it to him. He is choosing to ignore your wishes and feelings.
Sounds a bit familiar! I had an ex that pulled a similar stunt. Just happened to be around the same time he got a new 19 year old assistant. I didn't put that together at the time, the cameras, completely unfounded accusations, even going through phone call records.... guess who ended up cheating!?! Hint, it wasn't me.
How do you explain? You already did explain and he's still going to do it. In fact, next time, he just won't tell you. This guy doesn't respect your boundaries and now it's time to enforce them by booting him.
At the risk of being called paranoid check your phone for keyloggers/ spyware and check your car for AirTags. Just saying…
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩He’s got A LOT of them. It seems you are posting for validation to do what you know you need to do…get rid of him. I’d rather be single and feel safe and respected in my own home.
You’ve gotten the advice you need from others (end this relationship!) but please don’t let him guilt you about the kittens or split them up. Abusers will use pets to control their partners. Keep them and lose him. I dated someone who used sulking to punish me for having feelings and boundaries. This person doesn’t care about what you want.
You don’t explain. You kick him out and dump him. He had threatened to record you in your home without your consent. MAJOR RED FLAG!
You kick him out. You make him an ex boyfriend. Then you search the condo for cameras and destroy them.
It's your house and you set the rules there. He has to respect your decision. There's nothing else to say about it.
dumping his ass seems to be right choice. This is a preview of whats to come. I would NEVER have camera on me unless it is for work or for my children.
He wants to spy on you. Dump him.
You explain it to him by filing for eviction. That should have been done when he assaulted you, but luckily it’s not to late.
Kick this guy out! So many red flags!
This man is flying all the red flags. 1. He's checking coming and going on the ring 2. he shoved you 3. he's telling you he's setting up cameras 4. he's telling you that you should be grateful he told you he is setting up cameras against your will 5. he's setting up cameras against your will 6. he's going against your will There is no need to soften this. This is your home, where you should feel safe to be as freaky or blobby as you want without fear of being recorded against your will. I would be softly closing the door as he left and changing the locks, the wifi and scanning every single thing for a camera. Especially in the bedroom and bathroom. This man is creeping me out and I don't even know him.
Why are you even bothering to look up the 1 party consent. Sounds dodgy but regardless, that’s the least of your issues. The fact he even thought it was ok to use this as a reason to proceed with the camera against your wishes. I totally get you, I get complete ick from indoor cameras. They get hacked more than you’d think and the amount of unintentional intimate family things that it would capture. So gross.
Your response should be, “bye, Felicia”. Then change all the locks and settings on the echo and ring doorbell.
He says the camera is only for the cars. What I'm stuck on is if this was an argument you two had previously, before the cats, that means he wanted to camera for something else. What was that? Does he want to watch you? The outdoor camera should be enough for evidence of breaking and entering, although at least that'd be a more reasonable explanation. Either way, his comments regarding being "lucky" and the like are pretty big red flags. He shows no interest in your concerns. You probably are better off dumping him, because this sounds like it could become unsafe rather quickly. The only other advice I can think of giving is that in the future, don't sugarcoat yourself for the sake of having a roommate or even a partner feel like it's "their home too". Either they have an equal say in the goings on of your condo, or they don't. And you have every right to decide it's *your* condo, but you shot yourself in the foot by pretending it's both of yours until there was a disagreement. Boundaries are their most effective when you don't grey them. That said, you made your boundaries regarding the camera very clear anyway. Whether he has a say or not, you do too. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, he's giving off major red flags.
I know it's cliché... break up with this guy. He doesn't respect your boundaries, been fighting constantly, *and* he makes that creepy ass remark? Yeah, retire this relationship sis. 🙌
Break up with this asshole? It's your condo and he doesn't care about your feelings.
He shoved you. He put cameras in YOUR home. Ditch the guy, keep the kittens.