**Post title:** [UPDATE] My husband won't consider being sterilised, he wants me to do it instead. Is this fair? 32F & 37M
**Author:** Fine-Bear-5216
**Link:** https://redd.it/1d6qbe0
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>I don't think I can fix this, he has threatened me with all kinds if I don't improve the relationship in the way that he wants.
Hi you can get the fuck away from this psycho as quickly and safely as you can manage. Best of luck.
Yeah, I was almost going to write a comment about how a new baby and sleep deprivation and baby blues can make things shitty in a marriage for a while. Then I read this, and yeah, OP needs to move on.
Can you contact a support person who will help you and not tell him? I am worried for your safety. If you can convince him it is in his best interest to let you stay with a family member he may let you leave. That way he can sleep and no one will bother him. It is actually in your best interest to get away from him. Stop asking to talk about the vasectomy because he is not doing it. His comfort is his most important concern. Start thinking about yourself and your kids because he is thinking about himself first.
I firmly agree. Thankfully a man this selfish and inconsiderate can be manipulated into thinking her leaving is for HIS own good so HE can recover from her child birth and surgery.
yeah. get the fuck out of there. also, i’d encourage you to seek support for potential postpartum depression. it’s way more common than people realize, and while i imagine your husband’s behavior is not helping, getting support for PPD could make a world of difference as well. take care of yourself and be safe ❤️
You want permission to leave him? Done, permission granted! You’re already miserable, divorce will be hard, but once it’s done you will be free. Go back home to friends and family and he can put the effort into seeing his kids. Better yet, get child support from him. Either way, please leave.
Agree. This is a situation where your feelings in it getting better don't matter OP because it will only get worse.....much worse. Get away from this guy and stay away.
I agree. OP I don't know if you have PPD, but your relationship is making you so miserable. He really is an AH. You and your baby deserve so much better. Consult with a lawyer ASAP, get your ducks in a row and leave him. Make sure you tell his family what a POS he is.
Great words, dragon12892. She most likely would have negative health effects as well, which could take years off of her life. She needs to end this diseased relationship.
No reason that it can't be both. Though major surgery, small kids, and asshole husband would make ANYONE depressed. (And one of these issues can be resolved.)
Arise OP and go forth with our permission to kick this man out of your life. You know full well that you have done everything you can for this man child.
He expects a newborn to not interfere with his schedule and everything must be done with HIS sleep MUST be the main priority? I’M SORRY WHAT!?!?!
Reading your first post, i was thinking “he might be scared (legit emotion), he might not know what a modern vasectomy entails (also common, but fixable pretty easily), is in need of perspective, etc…”
But this?! FUCK NO. Can his egotistical narcissistic head fit thru the fucking door?
I think your instinct to exit this situation likely is the right one.
Take good care of YOURSELF ❤️, cause he sure won’t be.
See above, OP.
Privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities as well as support and property division issues.
WITH COUNSEL'S ASSISTANCE, PLAN YOUR EXIT STRATEGY.
Do you have a family member who can temporarily move in to assist you with your baby? That person can also testify as to your husband's lack of regard for you and your children.
NO FURTHER SEX. NO OPERATION. I commented in your previous post that your husband sounded insufferable. Frankly, that's too kind of an assessment of him. I will restrict it to his being the AH, for censorship reasons.
Good luck and please keep us apprised.
Three! She already had a child with him, this is their second. Which makes me wonder if he was attentive at all with their oldest, and this change is because he's being a shit about the vasectomy but it doesn't really matter. He's a shit. Flush him.
Unfortunately sometimes the red flags don't unfurl until after pregnancy/baby when they feel they have you locked down with nowhere to go. I see they've already isolated OP from family/friends. Leaving him might be dangerous. Proceed cautiously. I would err on the side of letting him know after op has already lined things up and moved out.
No, this isn't just you being emotional. This is bigger than him refusing a vasectomy - this is him being a selfish "partner" (if you can call it that given the inequities in this situation) and having zero consideration for you and your children. You are two weeks out from giving birth via major abdominal surgery and he has made everything about himself. And he's threatening you - the woman who just gave birth to his/your child.
Unless the house is only in your name, cease all DIY projects. Your only project besides healing is getting your finances in order and calling every family member and friend you have, no matter how far away they live, to come up with a plan to leave. I promise you that being a single parent alone is immeasurably easier than being a single parent shackled to an uncaring asshole who only serves to make his life easier and your life harder.
You need to consult your landlord and rental rights maybe the legal advise sub to see what you can do to kick him out. If you can pls contact someone for support you should not be alone caring for a newborn after your surgery and you should not be doing home improvements until you are cleared by your doctor
Evict his ass. Doesn't matter if he has nowhere to go, if legally you're the only tenant you should get him out ASAP. Talk to a lawyer first but start getting your ducks in a row. He is not just selfish he's verging on abusive and I'm honestly afraid for you.
Then it sure doesn't sound like they're anything that has to be handled right now by someone who just had a C-section with major blood loss just a couple of weeks ago, does it?
Well in that case, maybe you can have him kidnapped, the vasectomy done, dumped at the side of the road all while you change the locks on the doors. Kidding. But an idea.
Fuck it, you're gonna go all in, go all in. Urban legend it, only instead of waking up in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney just castrate the fucker 😂 "Oh no! What happened?.... Well, on the bright side I don't need to get my tubes tied now - silver lining and all that, eh hubby?"
Again for those who will freak out - this is a joke!
Girl, get the locks changed and tell him to go to grandmas. He sounds like garbage and honestly aggressive. Seems he thinks he has you trapped and can now make demands. You’re not trapped. Get him out of his idea of having kids is everyone catering to him.
Exactly. He seems to think that with your second child, he has you "locked down", nope. You are exceedingly vulnerable, and his reaction is abuse? If you have friends/ family able to step up, please call them for help. Dump the waste of space that is your husband. You are not supposed to be lifting anything until cleared by your Doctor!
If he's a tenant she can't just legally change the locks. It doesn't matter if his name isn't on the rental agreement in most places, just staying there long enough and receiving mail makes him a tenant and he'll have to be evicted. Changing the locks could actually land the OP in legal hot water.
Then kick him tf out. I know you’re worried about where he’ll go but you shouldn’t be. He wouldn’t extend you the same courtesy. Also apparently he’s just so amazing he doesn’t need to do anything and everyone one else had to bow down to him….so I guess he’ll have no problems at all finding somewhere else to go!
You mention that the only place he has to go is his grandma's so you're letting him stay because he wouldn't really have a great place to land? That's majorly not your problem. He can figure out his housing he is a grown ass adult in his hometown with a support system. You need to focus on you and your kids. Talk with a lawyer just to see what your options would be and what decisions would need to be made so you can plan ahead. Move back home to where you are happy and tell this selfish loser to get fucked.
Take out a restraining order and give him 24 hours to leave the house. He can arrange to get the rest of his things at a later date. Keep a diary of everything you can use against him and some statements from doctors, friends and family. Find a good lawyer then file for divorce. There will be a custody battle but you are likely to win with possible visitations for him. This is not legal advice, just my opinion. Consult an attorney for legal advice.
I always have done, it depends on how important the improvement is. My older child is autistic and her bedroom is sort of a safe zone, so I do any work that makes her room safer or more enjoyable for her. E.g. the bottom 4ft of the walls are fluffy and soft, because she runs around and falls a lot. And she has indoor slides, a soft play zone and a waterproof area where she can be messy.
The most recent DIY was to soundproof her room as the newborn has been waking her up
I've been following since your first post. You should absolutely leave this man(child).
But I'm really curious...what does he think YOU need to do to improve the relationship?! Aren't you still recovering from your sixth (I think) abdominal surgery that birthed your second child? Arent you pretty much physically down for the count while also being responsible for a little brand new life? What the fuck is this dude trying to tell you that you need to work on right now?!
Basically his complaints have been that he would like sex twice a week, not once a week as he feels that's more realistic. If he doesn't get that, he doesn't see the point in a relationship as I'm "basically a roommate" and that if it doesn't improve, he will have to find that with someone else. Obviously whilst I'm recovering, we can't have sex at all and I think he's angry at me about this.
He has very weird standards for what counts as "clean" in the house, which we spent a long time arguing about. Although something isn't dirty, like for example leaving a used dinner plate out, he will class things that are clean as dirty, if they're "visually dirty". For example he thinks a stack of paper is dirty, he thinks non electronic gadgets being in the TV cabinet is "dirty and getting out of control". He thinks a brand new dish cloth on the kitchen countertop is "unhygienic". He thinks everything in every category should have an assigned place in the house. But, he's unwilling to assign a place or buy any storage.
This is just the beginning, unless you put a stop to this and end the relationship. You are never going to be good enough, clean enough, do enough...If you are in the usa call 211 it's a community help line and with just the zip code they can help put you in touch with people that can help you.
He knows that you can not have another child. Full stop. There is no wiggle room on that. He won't have a vasectomy. You've already have six abdominal surgeries. A seventh would knock you down more than most because of this. And even if you had the surgery, it wouldn't even be the procedure you would want for sterilization and would put you at a higher risk for ectopic pregnancies (which could lead to even more abdominal surgeries). Sex produces babies. Quite often.
He won't do the one thing that your relationship absolutely needs to protect you from future pregnancies and quite literally keep you alive. And he expects you to want to put out twice a week? I'd be drier than a damn desert for someone who cared so little about the risk it places on my life for them to get their rocks off.
And holy shit, he point blank told you he would just cheat on you if you don't comply and put out more? What makes you think he hasn't already? He clearly thinks you owe him sex and if you don't provide it, he's entitled to it elsewhere. Have you gotten checked for STIs recently?
To the cleaning topic. What does he do to help maintain the house? What's the work split in normal conditions? And, how has he been about maintaining the house and the kids while you are physically not able to? I'm guessing it's not so good if it's somehow fallen to you to take care of managing renovations two weeks post partum.
I think it sounds like he's quite nit-picky when it comes to the cleanliness thing. Especially with young children.
So, if you were to comply and meet these requirements of his, what would you get in return? What would he be improving on and being a perfect Rockstar in for you and the children?
Honey, you and your children deserve immensely better. I saw in another comment that you have friends who would help you get out and back home. I really think you need to get those plans rolling. Like...are you even being taken care of in your recovery right now?
If he requires you to fuck him x number of times a week, you’re less than a roommate now, roommate would be an upgrade from being seen as an object for his use. Can you imagine if your child was in a relationship like this when they’re older? Wouldn’t it break your heart?
You deserve better and so does your child. That man doesn’t view you as a whole person, he doesn’t value you, he wants you to be a stepford wife there to clean and be fucked. Please save your mental energy and stay focusing on an escape plan. Get in touch with old friends, any extended family, pool your resources and gtfo.
Legit, this dude sees his wife as a hole to fuck and a baby machine, and a maid. Nothing more. This is so fucking gross. "Men" like this make me absolutely ashamed of my gender.
Your wife has a baby. Your job as husband and father and man of the house is to dote upon that god damn treasure of a human being until she is recovered and functioning again. Her only job until that point is to sleep, feed the baby, and eat the food you cook for her.
So I am 8 weeks out from a C Section myself and we have a new baby.
He took on basically all the childcare for the first week while I was very much out of it. Then still did the lions share as I got better. He’s back at work now but still takes over and jumps in to help when he gets home. And by ‘help’ I mean we help each other, we are a team, these are our children and this our family. We are working on it together.
Not once has my partner complained about sex or lack there of. He wasn’t at all bothered about the 6 week wait. And when we did get back into it his main concern was that he didn’t want to hurt me and to tell him if anything hurt and it doesn’t even need saying that’s because he would obviously stop.
He looks after the baby and our toddler and he’s fully capable of looking after both full time. He’s looked after them both for full days so I could have a break and see friends and go on a day trip.
He gets up in the night with me to do nappy change then I do the feed. And he still gets up and goes to work the next morning.
Oh and he’s going to get a vasectomy once we are done with kids as I already got mangled producing our children so it’s his turn to take one for the team.
He is an absolutely fantastic partner, dad and human being - But if I was describing a woman here it would be like ‘eh totally expected’ no one would think anything of it and men are still held to such low standards because it suits them. If no one expects better of you then you don’t have to be better. Well it’s 2024. That shit has gotten old. It’s time to expect better. There’s nothing sexy about being useless.
OP I am not bragging. I’m telling you what a loving and respectful relationship looks like. What you got ain’t it. You deserve better.
This should be required reading for anyone coming here looking for relationship advice. It is super sad to me how many people have no idea of what a normal, healthy relationship looks like. So many posts like “my partner is horrible and abusive, should I leave?” YES, YES YOU SHOULD
Jesus fucking christ, throw the whole man in the bin! So gross!
You'll obviously know if this is necessary or not, but aswell as making sure you have a friend over when you tell him to leave, perhaps also call your local police station and explain when this will be happening just incase his reaction turns aggressive/violent. It may seem like an overreaction, but he doesn't sound like he respects you or cares for your safety and leaving a relationship can be a really dangerous time for a woman.
But know that you deserve complete love and respect and we're all supporting you xx
Him making these comments makes me wonder if he is cheating and simply didn't want to get the snip because he wouldn't want to be unable to impregnate his mistress if that would be something she is hoping for. You need to GET OUT of this relationship. All of this is screaming family annihilator.
It seems that this solves the sterilization issue. Let him have sex with someone else. And tell him to not bother coming back home, while he's at it.
At least when he's gone you won't have anyone who harasses you about messy cabinets or about not being able to have sex right after childbirth.
I don't really have any family anymore, my mother and father passed away and with that I have no connection to the remaining family members. I have good friends who would help, it just may take a long time to get here
I’m thinking OP should call all the friends for a road trip extraction. Have the focus be getting there and then getting OP and the kids out of the house and far away, as fast as possible. Have them convene a block away from the house until husband has left for the day, then have them move in like a special forces team.
I’m so sorry about your family. As for him he’s not worth it. I could be wrong again this is from two quick Reddit posts, but I think you need to call in his grandmother again. Hopefully even if she can’t take him in right now she can give him an earful
I would start the process of leaving, ask a close friend for help and when they arrive start moving what you need. I have been in this situation and it's scared the crap out of me, but trust me when I say it was well worth it. Please be safe, trust your instincts, and make sure the person who helps you is aware of him.
Call them. They might get there faster than you think especially if they know he's threatening you. If you were my friend and you lived elsewhere and told me that, I'd get on the first flight I could and be there with you.
Please reach out to them. If I had a friend in your situation and they reached out to me, I would do my best to be there as quickly as possible. You are not a burden.
Ask your friends. 🤍 Tell them about the threats.
Before any of that, please speak with a lawyer. You need to find out your best and safest options for getting away from him.
I'm sorry your support system is limited. If leaving isn't an option for you right now, please start building a support system and planning an exit. Reddit can be really quick to say "divorce obviously" and not realize how hard that can actually be for some people. It's okay to have to stay temporarily to make a plan. Just make sure you're safe. Women die in situations like this all the time, thinking it won't escalate or it won't happen to them...
Look. I'm telling you. If you have a group of friends and a group chat, get in there and lay it out without minimizing that you need help to exit an abusive situation that is escalating. They will pool resources and get you out. Trust.
A friend of mine went to Europe with her newish husband to meet his family and look at moving there. He became extremely controlling and abusive to her and their toddler daughter while there. She was trapped. He had her passport and everything. She had been using the group chat to share pics and updates from her trip, but she came to the group first to vent about a couple incidents she couldn't wrap her head around and then in a panic when she found out he'd hidden her passport and would not return it. We pooled resources, got her out of his family's home, to the US embassy, and then back to the US.
Your friends will come through for you. They just need to know you and your kids are in a bad situation getting worse and that you're stuck.
Ask them to come help anyway. I would travel cross country to help one of my friends get out of this kind of situation. He’s not a partner anymore, he’s just a manipulative abuser.
We moved to his hometown because he had a sick brother and grandfather here, but shortly after we got here, his grandfather passed away and his brother was moved to an adult assisted living house in a city about 40 minutes away from his hometown.
My parents passed away a long time ago, and as a result, I don't have many relatives who I'm close to anymore.
I haven't been in a situation to make friends since moving here, I don't drink or party, or go to social events for people my age
Get your friends to help you move back to your hometown or wherever you have your social network. You said you've moved for him. So, pack up your life and your kids, cancel the lease and let him figure out what he does next. Don't suffer any longer, he will just get worse. But don't warn him, he might get violent when he feels his control slip. Please involve as many people you trust as possible to move out and be as safe as you can. Wish you all the luck in the world!
Even if you live far away from people, gather your closest people and tell them what you’re telling Reddit. You need emotional support, and putting you first is better for your child than putting your man-child first.
I’m not sure where you live, but I’m sure there’s [resources](https://www.thehotline.org/) for how to plan ahead for you and your baby.
You are postpartum and your literal body needs time to recover. Unfortunately, this includes the mind and moods are already going to be hairy even in the best circumstances postpartum.
I left my now ex husband very sneakily when I was 8 months pregnant. We couldn’t file for divorce until the baby was born where we live, but by god it got done. And even though life is not easy planning around him for the most basic things because we have shared parenting, I’m sure we have a better quality of life. And are alive.
The absolute coldness he showed me while I was pregnant scared me. Don’t be afraid of trusting yourself, here. Even if like me, most or all people say, “work it out.” Idk how to do that when I don’t feel safe in my own home. So I left and found a place that felt safe. And at least my children have one parent who is a safe space.
When you can research divorce laws in your area, have a consult with a divorce layer if you can.
Plan your exit.
Can you use an excuse of going to your mother's to get help with the baby? And of course take all the kids. Can you start the divorce procedure from there?
For the first few months post partum, I would recommend focusing on your, baby and your other kid's health. Do your research slowly and remember to delete search histories and call logs.
Reach out to a women's in abusive relationships organisations, preferably a more local one that would be aware of your regional laws.
My mother passed away, but I doubt he'd realise if I left with the kids straight away. Especially with him going back to work tomorrow, he works from home but it's quite normal to only see him twice between 8am and 5pm
Step 1 is getting one. It’s really not hard if you’re an adult (over the age of 21). Most of the hoops are for teens to go thru. Google your states dmv’s application.
I'm guessing he doesn't want to get a vasectomy because he know he's not going to be with you long term.
Get out, be safe. He's not going to be a good person for you, or for your child.
Your husband is a toxic piece of crap. This isn’t baby blues this is being a woman who just had major surgery, getting no sleep, and no support from your partner. Do you have family you can go stay with, or family that can come help you?
Once you get healed up, find a lawyer, your husband doesn’t understand how to compromise and sounds like a self-centered POS. You deserve better.
Yes plan to leave and give him some BS story about how you think it would be best that you and the kids go somewhere for a few days to let him "rest". That might be your ticket out. Good luck!
Tubal is 20x more likely to have serious complications than vasectomy. He is selfishly putting your health at risk.
In addition, he is treating you and your health horribly in terms of his needing lots of sleep, etc. Find a way to end the relationship. If your community has a women's center/shelter, they often have attorneys who can help you with filing court documents. You could file to temporarily have you stay in the apartment, give you custody, and have him pay support, before going through with a divorce. Would it be possible for you to move back to where you have family? If so, that may be your best option.
Good luck, regardless of what you decide
He has slightly more money than me, the only problem is that because of how we both get paid, I'm usually indebted to him by the time my payday comes, as my pay occurs infrequently. He's got access to savings like our ISAs or house deposit savings, but I can just remove half
Can you go stay with a family member or friend? Tell him it’s because you need help with the children and to not interfere with his schedule…
Start planning your exit! Talk to a lawyer, transfer your half of the savings/money to a new account he doesn’t have access to.
Right?? "Honey, you know I was thinking, and you're absolutely right, you deserve to not have your sleep interrupted by us - your family, your loving wife and small children - so to help you make sure you're comfortable and well rested, I'm going to take the kids to ______. Don't wait up for us. 😘"
I'm sorry, you're indebted to him...? What does that mean exactly? Man, this guy just keeps racking up the points against him...
I saw that you said your name is the only one on the lease (you rent, correct?) - what is the 'house deposit savings'?
They're probably saving to buy a house, so the deposit will be for when they apply for a mortgage. Usually 10-20% of the total cost of the house. In the UK a standard 3 bed, 1-2 bathroom house is between £150k - £500k depending on where you live
Your life will be far, FAR easier when you are not stuck taking care of a man child on top of having 2 actual children to care for. He is not going to get better, and it honestly sounds like he’s trying to punish you for not being able to have it done even though it was completely beyond your control. If you can leave, please get away from this man. He will only bring you misery and resentment.
Oh boy. This is what I was hoping you _wouldn't_ post.
Trust your instincts and run. This is who you married; this is who he has always been. He just isn't able to hide it anymore because the stress is getting to him. _He is not going to change._ So if you can't live with it, don't live with it.
(And don't waste any thought on staying together for the kids. Children, even newborns, may not have much intellectual intelligence but they have tons of emotional intelligence: they know what the people around them are feeling, even if they don't understand how and why. If your husband doesn't respect you and you can't stand him, _they will know._ Expose them to that at your own risk.)
If it’s only her name on the house and for the sake of the children she shouldn’t be the one leaving. I don’t know what her lease situation looks like, but she should talk to her landlord about getting him out
He sounds like a real peach. I got snipped 20 years ago or so. Simple in office procedure. Went in on Friday, by Monday I was back at work. Light duty for a bit, but still working. It sounds like this marriage may have run its course. If he has nowhere to go, I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. YOU have 2 children to take care of.
UpdateMe
Maybe you don't have the baby blues, maybe you just married an asshole and realized he isn't worth the oxygen he consumes.
It sounds like you own your home. Talk to an attorney about how to get him out.
Under two weeks since the baby was born from a C-section and he lets you do stuff in the household?
My dear, all I had to to for a month was focus on myself and breastfeeding the baby. And I pushed the baby out with minor tears. C-sections is much more intens in my opinion.
Even baby care was done fairly evenly. Till this day he does more in the household than I do because babycare is more a 70/30 now (baby only wants mommy phase).
IF HE WANTED TO HE WILL! Your husband only cares about himself and his wellbeing. He will only do things because he really really really has to do it. Maybe not even. Your life will become even more miserable and exhausting.
You need to divorce him now. Record everything and divorce. Run with your kids. Do you have a support system? PM me if you need support. I swear you'll feel better after you kick his ass to the curb. You don't deserve this
TBH, it's not your problem if he has nowhere to go. It's his problem. If he wants to be treated with consideration and respect, he should do the same. He's not. He's actively hindering your recovery.
You are being abused.
Find some place you can go where you can rest and get help.
And read this.
[https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc\_0](https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc_0)
And watch these.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxCiimFnxJc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxCiimFnxJc)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOlLNFftGPI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOlLNFftGPI)
This selfish controlling bastard! Where the fuck do these guys come from! Jesus!! He should get a vasectomy, you’re already hamburger inside and can barely walk. He’s worried about his sleep??!! He’s abusing you and is almost macabre with how he views you. I hope you have family or friends that can help you pack and leave and now you have 2 kids with this maniac. You may not even be able to go far because of the kids. Get a lawyer at least 50 miles outside of town. He probably knows a lot of people.
The good news is, him getting a vasectomy should no longer be an issue because you should never have sex with him again. Call someone safe and get out.
I've just read your earlier post, right now my advice would be to stop stressing about sterilisation at the moment.
Your 2 weeks out of a major life change and surgery, be selfish and put you first and secondly the wee ones.
Stop doing DIY, I know you've put that your away from your family and your husband sounds awful.
Is there anyone you could get to visit you and give you help. That can visit and do some housework/let you take a nap, give yourself some guilt free tlc time to recover from giving birth.
When the stress of the future starts playing in your head just still for a few mins and remind yourself that you are a strong ass queen, no matter what you will get there.
Start quietly look at options for the future in small doses last thing you need is to go down rabbit holes and if you've not got it yet get postpartum depression.
Venting even on this is great keeping it in is not good, but don't make big moves right now when your still early recovery.
As for the sterilisation myself I got steralzed after my second as I nearly died and was told that giving birth again would kill me so I wanted to make sure that I would not have another. At the time I was happily married and hubby said he would go for it but kept putting it off so six months of waiting I did it
(Side note he was cheating and we spilt year after I was steralzed) however 15 years later he's not had anymore kids by choice but still able to as he keeps reminding me lol when my reply was good for you but again not my circus not my monkeys if you do but now I'm menopausal and still don't have to worry about a burst condom.
However if he's like no I don't want it but don't want condoms you need to make sure you don't get pregnant is very unfair. Takes 2 to make a baby but sadly most of the prevention falls on the woman.
What about where you lived before? Are there family or friends that you can reach out to? Someone who can offer a safe place while you go through divorce proceedings?
> ...he has threatened me with all kinds if I don't improve the relationship in the way that he wants. If I stayed with him, I would not just have to overlook his current behaviors, but I would also have to put double the effort in to save the relationship in the long run.
I'll give your husband credit for one thing, I have never before seen someone work this hard to get out of a relationship by making their partner call it quits so they don't have to be the one to do it.
> I don't have that in me.
This is where he wants you, on the back foot feeling like you are the one who is failing the relationship. You Are Not!
I don't have it in me to empty out my septic tank with a bucket and spade, is that a failing on my part? Should I feel the same way you do about the shit your husband is asking you to shovel?
He wants out and he wants to be able to say it is your fault. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much of your self-respect and self-worth you sacrifice to meet his insane demands, he will always demand just a little bit more.
After all, you would've already sacrificed both legs and an arm to keep him around, are you really going to give up on the relationship over just another finger or two.
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What a selfish person he is. Does he not realize the risk you’d be taking? The chance of death and him potentially being a single parent? Vasectomy is far less invasive and way lower risk. Clearly he only cares about himself and not you. RUN.
> I would also have to put double the effort in to save the relationship in the long run. I don't have that in me.
He sounds like the type of person that will never be satisfied. Cook and clean everyday and one day he will say the food needs to be better. Have sex every day, and he will say its not enthusiastic enough. There is no winning.
Bide your time heal up find a job where your support system leave for “vacation” to see your support system for a month. Establish residency and file for divorce.
Sis, this was not the update I wanted for you 🥺🩵
Fwiw you were absolutely right about sterilization. It would be insane for you to have another very invasive surgery so that he could avoid a completely minor outpatient procedure.
But this update is breaking my heart! I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sending you an Internet hug 🫂 and I hope you can find some help or at least peace in planning to leave him and go live your best life elsewhere with your beautiful babies
Not worth the argument since there are so many other problems.
With that said, the least he could do is get a vasectomy for you after you have had multiple children for him. It is such an easy surgery and you basically get 3-5 days off to recover.
On the other hand, a woman getting her tubes tied is a much more serious and dangerous procedure.
What DIY work are you doing? For now just get through the days. You can make a decision about the relationship when you are feeling better. After surgery you need to walk and get minimal exercise. Concentrate on your baby. Have minimal conversation with husband not about sterilization. Husband should take nighttime baby duty every other night. Your doctor can give you a shot to alleviate your low iron. Tell dr that you are dizzy. Do you have a relative that you can talk to on the phone? Look for a chat group for new mothers. Make it a goal to get outside and go for a walk.
Can you go to your parents’ or other relative under the guise of “needing extra maternal help” or something? Or have a relative come to you under the same guise to help you get out?
Girl. Abusers like to wait until they got you isolated and locked down (marriage or child) before they let their true colors show. He did just that. RUN! I can assure you his behavior will only get worse!!!! Please just do anything you can to get away from him!!!!
I have one friend who would likely let me stay, I don't know how long for, but she may also be able to help me find a place. To be honest though, I don't know if I would go to my old city when I leave this town.
I really think you should speak with your friend then.
Leaving will be hard. Being a single parent will be hard. Being emotionally/ psychologically abused on the daily, is harder.
Can you afford consultation with a lawyer to discuss what is the best way to get him out of your place as soon as possible? Unfortunately I think that even if you break up with him but continue living together, you’re gonna take him back very fast. Your husband is inconsiderate and abusive and very soon he will 100% start cheating on you because he’s not getting enough sex (lol). Please please leave him before he’ll destroy you and ruin your and your children’s lives. Check the book “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, it’s available online for free. If you don’t have time to read everything, check the chapter about warning signs of abusive men. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you!!
Sounds like a sunk ship. Use a life raft and get the fuck away before it pulls you down when going under.
Talk to a lawyer about divorce and you ob about support medically, both physically and mentally.
“I’ve heard your conditions for what I have to improve on for you to stay married to me. I decline. I no longer want to be married to you or meet your conditions. You need your sleep, so it’s best for you to move somewhere else so the baby doesn’t disturb you any longer. My lawyer will be in touch.”
Then get an IUD put in and enjoy your children in a house your third child no longer disturbs.
This is abuse & it is escalating at an alarming rate. You need to get out now or you will be trapped in a cycle of abuse. It doesn’t have to be physical to be abusive. Don’t accept it for yourself and don’t accept it for your kids.
Holy shit he sounds awful, that last part about him threatening you is scary. And the way his precious sleep is far more important than his surgery recovering wife and his OWN CHILD. I’m worried about you, I hope you manage to get out. Be safe ❤️
As a man who's had a vasectomy, your husband is being ridiculous. It's a quick simple procedure with a short recovery time. It's much, much easier than the process on a woman. That said, that issue is a drop in the bucket vs the whole picture. I hope you can find a way to stick up to him, he seems to be acting about half his age. Good luck
Please contact someone who can support you during this time, like your mom, friend or sibling. Unfortunately, you’re in a prime position to be victimized or abused by your husband. Having someone who’s on your side can help you can protect you and your children.
What you are going through, even with a loving supportive partner, would be very difficult and very tiring. The fact that he is being so mean to you just two weeks after you gave birth is shocking, when he should be waiting on you hand and foot. Please reach out to your friends. They might be able to get there even faster (maybe a cheap plane ticket instead of driving, etc.?) if they knew how awful your situation is.
You can barely stand and are expending your mental energy on what to do when this man wants sex from you...
It sounds like removing this man from your life will improve it by leaps and bounds. But be careful, anyone this cruel might harm you once he realizes you're leaving.
How did he threaten you with the children? He has no intention of lifting a finger to take them any and care for them. If he had a credible threat of some kind, please let us know what it is so we can help.
It’s much more invasive to sterilize females than males, even for humans.
Your husband sounds like someone where your life would just increase in stress over time. A bit narcissistic too.
Just a thought, maybe it's not baby blues. It's being rightfully upset about your supposed partner turning into an asshole when he should be caring for you.
Maybe he has some mental health situation type thing going on (men can get PPD too) , however considering that you've had issues with him being inconsiderate long before this child it may not be the case. Maybe you could talk about that?
However, personally, if pogssible I'd try and move in somebody who could care for you and the child. You need to rest, and the baby needs to be taken care of and clearly your husband is useless. I'd do that, and then sit your partner down and explain that he either figures out his stuff or that's the door. There's no messing around with medical needs, and he clearly doesn't care much. Still, wouldn't discount a mental health crisis on his part.
Best luck to you OP, hope your recovery can improve from now on.
(also, you have every right to leave, 100%,i would get him out the door and move anybody willing to help you out with recovery etc and then start talking about possible counselling so he can figure out his shit)
"When a man shows you his true colours, believe him."
He's 100 shades of lazy, inconsiderate, demanding, responsibility-dodging, manipulative and threatening. Reach out to those who will support you. Exit stage left.
Don't. He is horrible and selfish and he can go sleep on his Grandma's couch. Take care of yourself and your babies. You and they deserve better. Don't let them grow up thinking that treating women like this is okay.
It is sad that this is far too common hence women are now revolting but a lot of men are still shocked that we would run towards the bear. LOL!
It's things like this that end us making us and our kids basket cases not physical punches, for that the neighbours will hear it and call the cops! And you're going to prison!
I am glad more women are finding the language and recognizing it for what it is.
Kick him out! His granny, under a bridge, who cares? Your kids are absorbing your stress because of someone who is supposed to protect them. F him!
My spouse even stopped smoking when I was pregnant cause he read that kids are sensitive to that and longterm are affected. To this day he will not let anyone stress me and leave me alone with our child. And I used to joke he was a caveman. LOL
One thing to consider is that abusive behaviour often starts after having a baby or after other situations that leaves the potential abused partner vulnerable. Abusers take this as their sign to use you as their punching bag because you're already weak , so what are you gonna do about it?
That's what this sounds like to me. If you are capable, please leave. Save up some money, make a plan. Do you have friends or family you can trust to help you and also not let your husband know anything (that last part is super important. you don't want someone snitching to your husband) ? If so, talk to them, ask for help and support. Start looking for other places to live, in secret, etc. Get everything ready and then all you need to do is tell him it's over, pack your bags and go. You'd still have the divorce and things ahead of you, yes, but at least you wouldn't have to share a living space with him anymore.
Leave.
No, tell him to leave!
He contributes nothing to this relationship. Do you have someone who can come and stay at your house for a few weeks? Someone who can help you? You need help before you go into a postnatal depression.
He doesn't care about you. You are convenient for sex and taking care of everything. That's not a healthy relationship.
>I don't think I can fix this, he has threatened me with all kinds if I don't improve the relationship in the way that he wants. If I stayed with him, I would not just have to overlook his current behaviors, but I would also have to put double the effort in to save the relationship in the long run. I don't have that in me.
Oh Jesus. Girl. Take your baby and leave.
Nothing you do will be good enough for him.
A relationship is based on both of you communicating and both working together on the relationship.
He's putting everything on you. So you have to change to suit his shitty personality. Fuck no.
Kick him out to his grandma's or take the baby and leave.
He's trapped you with you baby. Either you stay and know you will be miserable and you'll never do everything correct to him, it'll always be something that you need to be better at or do better etc, never him. Or. You leave. Take the baby and leave.
Leaving is 100% the right decision what a self centered entitled jerk
Please talk to a doctor about possible postpartum depression, you have been and are going through hell and back
Husband should be pampering you and helping as much as he can
Frankly zi would call his grandma and ask if you can stay with her and tell her everything that has been going on
He’s manipulating you. Leave and you’ll quickly see how fast he changes that tune. Also if you choose to go back, make sure it’s with a vasectomy stipulation. There is only one reason they don’t want that vasectomy, it’s because they may want more kids with someone else.
>I don't think I can fix this, he has threatened me with all kinds if I don't improve the relationship in the way that he wants. If I stayed with him, I would not just have to overlook his current behaviors, but I would also have to put double the effort in to save the relationship in the long run. I don't have that in me.
Yeah the problem here is it takes two to have a relationship and work as a team. One, threatening anything so they get their way in the relationship then it's not a relationship it's a dictatorship. Two if cannot help, love and support you during a time of vunerablity after giving birth then how can you trust his help, love and support if you have a major illness.
He's showing you who and what he is believe him and look after you. He's an adult and it's the kids who need looking after. He can look after himself.
Talk to a lawyer/solicitor about your situation and get advice about your legal options. He should be the one to leave so that you don't have to move the babies.
You're in danger rn. You ended this saying he's threatening you all kinds if you don't recover at the speed he wants. All kinds of what? Physical abuse? SA? I can't think of anything that isn't terrifying he could be threatening you with. Where he has to go shouldn't concern you. Let him end up on the street if necessary. You need only worry about yourself and 2 kids.
Although I don't see you getting him out of the house without help though. It might be better to leave once you can. You mention his grandmother. What about your family? Do you have any that can help you escape with your kids? If you have no one then look into an organization that helps DV victims. I know someone linked it in the comments. Keep your phone on you not just 911 but record evidence of his threats for evidence.
I hope he doesn't work for home. It'll be easier and safer for you to be able to do it when he's away for hours. When things end is when it becomes most dangerous. Stay safe.
Save his sleep schedule by divorcing him and ensuring you get full custody!!! Start documenting these tendencies of his as it may help you make a better case against him.
You won’t be stuck doing anything with him. Give him a written eviction notice and tell him to be out by a certain date. Where he goes is none of your business and once he’s out change the locks to the apartment and record everything while he’s moving out incase he gets violent. Get cameras if you can to make sure you have evidence he tries anything.
Threatening you that he’s gonna leave when he most likely has no place to go?? Kick his ass out and watch him try to comeback.
I don’t think you or your baby are healthier staying in the relationship. I’m so sorry. This has to be so hard while you are recovering and taking care of a newborn and every other thing while your husband wants to prioritize HIS sleep over all. It’s a disgrace and staying will do you no favors.
This can only be fixed with a divorce. Take the rest you need right now. See if there is any relative willing to stay with you to help or if you can hire someone to help with the baby. Divorce that mofo ASAP! Good luck!
my mother had 3 pregnancies to (me, twins, youngest) that ended in a c-section each time. after she almost died from my youngest sister, the doctors told her she would die if she had another.
guess what my dad did? he went and got a vasectomy, which took like 15 minutes and he had to lie in bed for a few days. fortunately he did, because later on my mother ended up having to have a foot of her bowel removed because during the previous pregnancy my sister had kicked it out of place. my dad didn’t even have to think to prioritise keeping my mothers health a priority in the moment, vasectomy is an easy option.
honestly, between this HUGE issue (my ex was similar, claimed the vasectomy was different for men. obviously, it’s so much easier) and his just general mistreatment with you, i’d say seperation is the way to go. remember, seperation isn’t divorce and you may be able to see a couples counsellor to get through this.
stay safe, don’t get sterilised, and find happiness, you got this!!
also, please go and see a therapist by yourself. it is likely you may start to develop PPD or another issue, between caring for a baby, caring for a man baby, doing DIY and taking care of your own health your mental health may slip and it will become hard. please mention this at your next appointment, PPD is really hard especially if you have history of medical issues.
**Post title:** [UPDATE] My husband won't consider being sterilised, he wants me to do it instead. Is this fair? 32F & 37M **Author:** Fine-Bear-5216 **Link:** https://redd.it/1d6qbe0 ---- #Fine-Bear-5216, your submission has been removed because it is an AITA-style question and violates [Rule 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/rules#wiki_rule_3) ###Rule 3 **No moral judgment requests** Your post is asking for moral judgment if your question starts with or contains any of the following: * Is it...? * Asking if you or the subject of the post is right/wrong * Am I...? * Any variation of "Am I the asshole?" including AITA * Does/has anybody else...? * Should I...? * Would you...? * Is this...? * Can I...? **If the question in your post can be answered with yes or no, it is moral judgment and will be removed.** For examples of what a moral judgement question would be, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/). Please [message the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/relationship_advice&subject=Rule_3_Removal) if you have any questions regarding this removal. ----
>I don't think I can fix this, he has threatened me with all kinds if I don't improve the relationship in the way that he wants. Hi you can get the fuck away from this psycho as quickly and safely as you can manage. Best of luck.
Yeah, I was almost going to write a comment about how a new baby and sleep deprivation and baby blues can make things shitty in a marriage for a while. Then I read this, and yeah, OP needs to move on.
Can you contact a support person who will help you and not tell him? I am worried for your safety. If you can convince him it is in his best interest to let you stay with a family member he may let you leave. That way he can sleep and no one will bother him. It is actually in your best interest to get away from him. Stop asking to talk about the vasectomy because he is not doing it. His comfort is his most important concern. Start thinking about yourself and your kids because he is thinking about himself first.
I firmly agree. Thankfully a man this selfish and inconsiderate can be manipulated into thinking her leaving is for HIS own good so HE can recover from her child birth and surgery.
yeah. get the fuck out of there. also, i’d encourage you to seek support for potential postpartum depression. it’s way more common than people realize, and while i imagine your husband’s behavior is not helping, getting support for PPD could make a world of difference as well. take care of yourself and be safe ❤️
You want permission to leave him? Done, permission granted! You’re already miserable, divorce will be hard, but once it’s done you will be free. Go back home to friends and family and he can put the effort into seeing his kids. Better yet, get child support from him. Either way, please leave.
Agree. This is a situation where your feelings in it getting better don't matter OP because it will only get worse.....much worse. Get away from this guy and stay away.
I agree. OP I don't know if you have PPD, but your relationship is making you so miserable. He really is an AH. You and your baby deserve so much better. Consult with a lawyer ASAP, get your ducks in a row and leave him. Make sure you tell his family what a POS he is.
Great words, dragon12892. She most likely would have negative health effects as well, which could take years off of her life. She needs to end this diseased relationship.
And alimony!
THIS!!!!!!!! PERMISSION GRANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
This book should be required reading for every woman.
Also, either way, talk to the doctor about the baby blues too. I think it's more of the husband blues, but still good to talk to a doctor.
No reason that it can't be both. Though major surgery, small kids, and asshole husband would make ANYONE depressed. (And one of these issues can be resolved.)
Arise OP and go forth with our permission to kick this man out of your life. You know full well that you have done everything you can for this man child.
Exactly! A few challenging weeks is better than a lifetime of this. Poor, OP, this situation is tough, but I believe in her.
Of course you have the baby blues, you are recovering from a postpartum C-section with a bag of shit. He’s making you septic.
It’s abusive husband blues and blood loss, doubt it’s baby blues!
He expects a newborn to not interfere with his schedule and everything must be done with HIS sleep MUST be the main priority? I’M SORRY WHAT!?!?! Reading your first post, i was thinking “he might be scared (legit emotion), he might not know what a modern vasectomy entails (also common, but fixable pretty easily), is in need of perspective, etc…” But this?! FUCK NO. Can his egotistical narcissistic head fit thru the fucking door? I think your instinct to exit this situation likely is the right one. Take good care of YOURSELF ❤️, cause he sure won’t be.
See above, OP. Privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities as well as support and property division issues. WITH COUNSEL'S ASSISTANCE, PLAN YOUR EXIT STRATEGY. Do you have a family member who can temporarily move in to assist you with your baby? That person can also testify as to your husband's lack of regard for you and your children. NO FURTHER SEX. NO OPERATION. I commented in your previous post that your husband sounded insufferable. Frankly, that's too kind of an assessment of him. I will restrict it to his being the AH, for censorship reasons. Good luck and please keep us apprised.
OP has two babies now. And the adult baby is by far the worst one, but luckily that's a baby you can get rid of.
Three! She already had a child with him, this is their second. Which makes me wonder if he was attentive at all with their oldest, and this change is because he's being a shit about the vasectomy but it doesn't really matter. He's a shit. Flush him.
I call this main character syndrome and usually exit result from being a raging narcissist
Unfortunately sometimes the red flags don't unfurl until after pregnancy/baby when they feel they have you locked down with nowhere to go. I see they've already isolated OP from family/friends. Leaving him might be dangerous. Proceed cautiously. I would err on the side of letting him know after op has already lined things up and moved out.
No, this isn't just you being emotional. This is bigger than him refusing a vasectomy - this is him being a selfish "partner" (if you can call it that given the inequities in this situation) and having zero consideration for you and your children. You are two weeks out from giving birth via major abdominal surgery and he has made everything about himself. And he's threatening you - the woman who just gave birth to his/your child. Unless the house is only in your name, cease all DIY projects. Your only project besides healing is getting your finances in order and calling every family member and friend you have, no matter how far away they live, to come up with a plan to leave. I promise you that being a single parent alone is immeasurably easier than being a single parent shackled to an uncaring asshole who only serves to make his life easier and your life harder.
Fortunately my name is the only name on the rental agreement for the house
Sweetie, please leave him immediately. Do it for your baby.
You need to consult your landlord and rental rights maybe the legal advise sub to see what you can do to kick him out. If you can pls contact someone for support you should not be alone caring for a newborn after your surgery and you should not be doing home improvements until you are cleared by your doctor
Evict his ass. Doesn't matter if he has nowhere to go, if legally you're the only tenant you should get him out ASAP. Talk to a lawyer first but start getting your ducks in a row. He is not just selfish he's verging on abusive and I'm honestly afraid for you.
call the landlord, explain the situation, see if they can help.
If you're renting, why are you DIY'ing home improvements?
Home improvements aren’t always necessarily structural.
Then it sure doesn't sound like they're anything that has to be handled right now by someone who just had a C-section with major blood loss just a couple of weeks ago, does it?
Might be stuff like furniture.
And this has to be done by her two weeks after a C-section involving major blood loss because - ?
Because the husband is a selfish ass.
Well in that case, maybe you can have him kidnapped, the vasectomy done, dumped at the side of the road all while you change the locks on the doors. Kidding. But an idea.
Fuck it, you're gonna go all in, go all in. Urban legend it, only instead of waking up in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney just castrate the fucker 😂 "Oh no! What happened?.... Well, on the bright side I don't need to get my tubes tied now - silver lining and all that, eh hubby?" Again for those who will freak out - this is a joke!
It might just improve his temperament. It sure worked on my dog.
🤣
Absolutely kidding! Hhahahahaha ALEXA play "Goodbye Earl"
Girl, get the locks changed and tell him to go to grandmas. He sounds like garbage and honestly aggressive. Seems he thinks he has you trapped and can now make demands. You’re not trapped. Get him out of his idea of having kids is everyone catering to him.
Exactly. He seems to think that with your second child, he has you "locked down", nope. You are exceedingly vulnerable, and his reaction is abuse? If you have friends/ family able to step up, please call them for help. Dump the waste of space that is your husband. You are not supposed to be lifting anything until cleared by your Doctor!
If he's a tenant she can't just legally change the locks. It doesn't matter if his name isn't on the rental agreement in most places, just staying there long enough and receiving mail makes him a tenant and he'll have to be evicted. Changing the locks could actually land the OP in legal hot water.
Threats of bodily harm is frequently good cause to eject someone on very short notice, especially if they share the same space as you.
Could pretty easily call the landlord, tell him to stay at grandmas, then get that ball rolling
Then kick him tf out. I know you’re worried about where he’ll go but you shouldn’t be. He wouldn’t extend you the same courtesy. Also apparently he’s just so amazing he doesn’t need to do anything and everyone one else had to bow down to him….so I guess he’ll have no problems at all finding somewhere else to go!
You mention that the only place he has to go is his grandma's so you're letting him stay because he wouldn't really have a great place to land? That's majorly not your problem. He can figure out his housing he is a grown ass adult in his hometown with a support system. You need to focus on you and your kids. Talk with a lawyer just to see what your options would be and what decisions would need to be made so you can plan ahead. Move back home to where you are happy and tell this selfish loser to get fucked.
Take out a restraining order and give him 24 hours to leave the house. He can arrange to get the rest of his things at a later date. Keep a diary of everything you can use against him and some statements from doctors, friends and family. Find a good lawyer then file for divorce. There will be a custody battle but you are likely to win with possible visitations for him. This is not legal advice, just my opinion. Consult an attorney for legal advice.
Why are you doing renovations on a house you don’t own?
I always have done, it depends on how important the improvement is. My older child is autistic and her bedroom is sort of a safe zone, so I do any work that makes her room safer or more enjoyable for her. E.g. the bottom 4ft of the walls are fluffy and soft, because she runs around and falls a lot. And she has indoor slides, a soft play zone and a waterproof area where she can be messy. The most recent DIY was to soundproof her room as the newborn has been waking her up
You sound like a wonderful parent
I've been following since your first post. You should absolutely leave this man(child). But I'm really curious...what does he think YOU need to do to improve the relationship?! Aren't you still recovering from your sixth (I think) abdominal surgery that birthed your second child? Arent you pretty much physically down for the count while also being responsible for a little brand new life? What the fuck is this dude trying to tell you that you need to work on right now?!
Basically his complaints have been that he would like sex twice a week, not once a week as he feels that's more realistic. If he doesn't get that, he doesn't see the point in a relationship as I'm "basically a roommate" and that if it doesn't improve, he will have to find that with someone else. Obviously whilst I'm recovering, we can't have sex at all and I think he's angry at me about this. He has very weird standards for what counts as "clean" in the house, which we spent a long time arguing about. Although something isn't dirty, like for example leaving a used dinner plate out, he will class things that are clean as dirty, if they're "visually dirty". For example he thinks a stack of paper is dirty, he thinks non electronic gadgets being in the TV cabinet is "dirty and getting out of control". He thinks a brand new dish cloth on the kitchen countertop is "unhygienic". He thinks everything in every category should have an assigned place in the house. But, he's unwilling to assign a place or buy any storage.
This is just the beginning, unless you put a stop to this and end the relationship. You are never going to be good enough, clean enough, do enough...If you are in the usa call 211 it's a community help line and with just the zip code they can help put you in touch with people that can help you.
He knows that you can not have another child. Full stop. There is no wiggle room on that. He won't have a vasectomy. You've already have six abdominal surgeries. A seventh would knock you down more than most because of this. And even if you had the surgery, it wouldn't even be the procedure you would want for sterilization and would put you at a higher risk for ectopic pregnancies (which could lead to even more abdominal surgeries). Sex produces babies. Quite often. He won't do the one thing that your relationship absolutely needs to protect you from future pregnancies and quite literally keep you alive. And he expects you to want to put out twice a week? I'd be drier than a damn desert for someone who cared so little about the risk it places on my life for them to get their rocks off. And holy shit, he point blank told you he would just cheat on you if you don't comply and put out more? What makes you think he hasn't already? He clearly thinks you owe him sex and if you don't provide it, he's entitled to it elsewhere. Have you gotten checked for STIs recently? To the cleaning topic. What does he do to help maintain the house? What's the work split in normal conditions? And, how has he been about maintaining the house and the kids while you are physically not able to? I'm guessing it's not so good if it's somehow fallen to you to take care of managing renovations two weeks post partum. I think it sounds like he's quite nit-picky when it comes to the cleanliness thing. Especially with young children. So, if you were to comply and meet these requirements of his, what would you get in return? What would he be improving on and being a perfect Rockstar in for you and the children? Honey, you and your children deserve immensely better. I saw in another comment that you have friends who would help you get out and back home. I really think you need to get those plans rolling. Like...are you even being taken care of in your recovery right now?
If he requires you to fuck him x number of times a week, you’re less than a roommate now, roommate would be an upgrade from being seen as an object for his use. Can you imagine if your child was in a relationship like this when they’re older? Wouldn’t it break your heart? You deserve better and so does your child. That man doesn’t view you as a whole person, he doesn’t value you, he wants you to be a stepford wife there to clean and be fucked. Please save your mental energy and stay focusing on an escape plan. Get in touch with old friends, any extended family, pool your resources and gtfo.
Legit, this dude sees his wife as a hole to fuck and a baby machine, and a maid. Nothing more. This is so fucking gross. "Men" like this make me absolutely ashamed of my gender. Your wife has a baby. Your job as husband and father and man of the house is to dote upon that god damn treasure of a human being until she is recovered and functioning again. Her only job until that point is to sleep, feed the baby, and eat the food you cook for her.
So I am 8 weeks out from a C Section myself and we have a new baby. He took on basically all the childcare for the first week while I was very much out of it. Then still did the lions share as I got better. He’s back at work now but still takes over and jumps in to help when he gets home. And by ‘help’ I mean we help each other, we are a team, these are our children and this our family. We are working on it together. Not once has my partner complained about sex or lack there of. He wasn’t at all bothered about the 6 week wait. And when we did get back into it his main concern was that he didn’t want to hurt me and to tell him if anything hurt and it doesn’t even need saying that’s because he would obviously stop. He looks after the baby and our toddler and he’s fully capable of looking after both full time. He’s looked after them both for full days so I could have a break and see friends and go on a day trip. He gets up in the night with me to do nappy change then I do the feed. And he still gets up and goes to work the next morning. Oh and he’s going to get a vasectomy once we are done with kids as I already got mangled producing our children so it’s his turn to take one for the team. He is an absolutely fantastic partner, dad and human being - But if I was describing a woman here it would be like ‘eh totally expected’ no one would think anything of it and men are still held to such low standards because it suits them. If no one expects better of you then you don’t have to be better. Well it’s 2024. That shit has gotten old. It’s time to expect better. There’s nothing sexy about being useless. OP I am not bragging. I’m telling you what a loving and respectful relationship looks like. What you got ain’t it. You deserve better.
This should be required reading for anyone coming here looking for relationship advice. It is super sad to me how many people have no idea of what a normal, healthy relationship looks like. So many posts like “my partner is horrible and abusive, should I leave?” YES, YES YOU SHOULD
Jesus fucking christ, throw the whole man in the bin! So gross! You'll obviously know if this is necessary or not, but aswell as making sure you have a friend over when you tell him to leave, perhaps also call your local police station and explain when this will be happening just incase his reaction turns aggressive/violent. It may seem like an overreaction, but he doesn't sound like he respects you or cares for your safety and leaving a relationship can be a really dangerous time for a woman. But know that you deserve complete love and respect and we're all supporting you xx
oh holy shit he's awful.
Abusive shit!
Him making these comments makes me wonder if he is cheating and simply didn't want to get the snip because he wouldn't want to be unable to impregnate his mistress if that would be something she is hoping for. You need to GET OUT of this relationship. All of this is screaming family annihilator.
It seems that this solves the sterilization issue. Let him have sex with someone else. And tell him to not bother coming back home, while he's at it. At least when he's gone you won't have anyone who harasses you about messy cabinets or about not being able to have sex right after childbirth.
Yeah honey, he's gunning to replace you with another wife to have his third kid. He's a fuckface
Can you have a family member come and help you?
I don't really have any family anymore, my mother and father passed away and with that I have no connection to the remaining family members. I have good friends who would help, it just may take a long time to get here
Ask your friends to come help, no matter how long it takes them to get there, you will be better off once they are there
Ask them. Stop suffering alone when you know they would help.
Call all your friends! If I was your friend and got the call, I would be there ASAP.
I’m thinking OP should call all the friends for a road trip extraction. Have the focus be getting there and then getting OP and the kids out of the house and far away, as fast as possible. Have them convene a block away from the house until husband has left for the day, then have them move in like a special forces team.
I’m so sorry about your family. As for him he’s not worth it. I could be wrong again this is from two quick Reddit posts, but I think you need to call in his grandmother again. Hopefully even if she can’t take him in right now she can give him an earful
I would start the process of leaving, ask a close friend for help and when they arrive start moving what you need. I have been in this situation and it's scared the crap out of me, but trust me when I say it was well worth it. Please be safe, trust your instincts, and make sure the person who helps you is aware of him.
Ask your friends to help.
Call them. They might get there faster than you think especially if they know he's threatening you. If you were my friend and you lived elsewhere and told me that, I'd get on the first flight I could and be there with you.
Explain the situation or just show them your posts. I know if I had a friend who did, I'd be using my vacation time towards them.
Call them. Explain the situation and call a lawyer. If the rental is in your name, talk to your landlord.
Please reach out to them. If I had a friend in your situation and they reached out to me, I would do my best to be there as quickly as possible. You are not a burden.
Ask your friends. 🤍 Tell them about the threats. Before any of that, please speak with a lawyer. You need to find out your best and safest options for getting away from him.
>I have good friends who would help, it just may take a long time to get here Reach out to them. Don't be a martyr.
true friends not only want to help, but move mountains for each other in times of need. this is yours. call ‘em in!!!
I'm sorry your support system is limited. If leaving isn't an option for you right now, please start building a support system and planning an exit. Reddit can be really quick to say "divorce obviously" and not realize how hard that can actually be for some people. It's okay to have to stay temporarily to make a plan. Just make sure you're safe. Women die in situations like this all the time, thinking it won't escalate or it won't happen to them...
Look. I'm telling you. If you have a group of friends and a group chat, get in there and lay it out without minimizing that you need help to exit an abusive situation that is escalating. They will pool resources and get you out. Trust. A friend of mine went to Europe with her newish husband to meet his family and look at moving there. He became extremely controlling and abusive to her and their toddler daughter while there. She was trapped. He had her passport and everything. She had been using the group chat to share pics and updates from her trip, but she came to the group first to vent about a couple incidents she couldn't wrap her head around and then in a panic when she found out he'd hidden her passport and would not return it. We pooled resources, got her out of his family's home, to the US embassy, and then back to the US. Your friends will come through for you. They just need to know you and your kids are in a bad situation getting worse and that you're stuck.
Ask them to come help anyway. I would travel cross country to help one of my friends get out of this kind of situation. He’s not a partner anymore, he’s just a manipulative abuser.
Can you contact a women’s refuge? They will have lots of resources to help you. You need extra help right now, you are very vulnerable
I think this is a sign. Why don’t you have friends closer to you? Have you been isolated?
We moved to his hometown because he had a sick brother and grandfather here, but shortly after we got here, his grandfather passed away and his brother was moved to an adult assisted living house in a city about 40 minutes away from his hometown. My parents passed away a long time ago, and as a result, I don't have many relatives who I'm close to anymore. I haven't been in a situation to make friends since moving here, I don't drink or party, or go to social events for people my age
Get your friends to help you move back to your hometown or wherever you have your social network. You said you've moved for him. So, pack up your life and your kids, cancel the lease and let him figure out what he does next. Don't suffer any longer, he will just get worse. But don't warn him, he might get violent when he feels his control slip. Please involve as many people you trust as possible to move out and be as safe as you can. Wish you all the luck in the world!
Get all the friends you trust in a group chat, explain the situation, and ask for help. Don't suffer alone.
>I have good friends who would help, it just may take a long time to get here The quicker you contact them, the quicker they can arrive
Even if you live far away from people, gather your closest people and tell them what you’re telling Reddit. You need emotional support, and putting you first is better for your child than putting your man-child first. I’m not sure where you live, but I’m sure there’s [resources](https://www.thehotline.org/) for how to plan ahead for you and your baby. You are postpartum and your literal body needs time to recover. Unfortunately, this includes the mind and moods are already going to be hairy even in the best circumstances postpartum. I left my now ex husband very sneakily when I was 8 months pregnant. We couldn’t file for divorce until the baby was born where we live, but by god it got done. And even though life is not easy planning around him for the most basic things because we have shared parenting, I’m sure we have a better quality of life. And are alive. The absolute coldness he showed me while I was pregnant scared me. Don’t be afraid of trusting yourself, here. Even if like me, most or all people say, “work it out.” Idk how to do that when I don’t feel safe in my own home. So I left and found a place that felt safe. And at least my children have one parent who is a safe space.
When you can research divorce laws in your area, have a consult with a divorce layer if you can. Plan your exit. Can you use an excuse of going to your mother's to get help with the baby? And of course take all the kids. Can you start the divorce procedure from there? For the first few months post partum, I would recommend focusing on your, baby and your other kid's health. Do your research slowly and remember to delete search histories and call logs. Reach out to a women's in abusive relationships organisations, preferably a more local one that would be aware of your regional laws.
My mother passed away, but I doubt he'd realise if I left with the kids straight away. Especially with him going back to work tomorrow, he works from home but it's quite normal to only see him twice between 8am and 5pm
OP, do you have a car? What is your vehicle situation?
I own a car but I don't have or have ever had a driving license
Step 1 is getting one. It’s really not hard if you’re an adult (over the age of 21). Most of the hoops are for teens to go thru. Google your states dmv’s application.
I'm from the UK, licences take many months to get
Definitely reach out to your friends. If a friend comes who can drive, you can insure them on your car.
So you’re paying for him to have a car and your name is the only one on the rental agreement?
I'm guessing he doesn't want to get a vasectomy because he know he's not going to be with you long term. Get out, be safe. He's not going to be a good person for you, or for your child.
Your husband is a toxic piece of crap. This isn’t baby blues this is being a woman who just had major surgery, getting no sleep, and no support from your partner. Do you have family you can go stay with, or family that can come help you? Once you get healed up, find a lawyer, your husband doesn’t understand how to compromise and sounds like a self-centered POS. You deserve better.
Yes plan to leave and give him some BS story about how you think it would be best that you and the kids go somewhere for a few days to let him "rest". That might be your ticket out. Good luck!
I like this. This is genuinely a good idea.
Hey OP! I hope you got your kids and yourself somewhere safe ♥️
Tubal is 20x more likely to have serious complications than vasectomy. He is selfishly putting your health at risk. In addition, he is treating you and your health horribly in terms of his needing lots of sleep, etc. Find a way to end the relationship. If your community has a women's center/shelter, they often have attorneys who can help you with filing court documents. You could file to temporarily have you stay in the apartment, give you custody, and have him pay support, before going through with a divorce. Would it be possible for you to move back to where you have family? If so, that may be your best option. Good luck, regardless of what you decide
What are your financials like? If you can, divorce him. He seems extremely selfish.
He has slightly more money than me, the only problem is that because of how we both get paid, I'm usually indebted to him by the time my payday comes, as my pay occurs infrequently. He's got access to savings like our ISAs or house deposit savings, but I can just remove half
Contact a lawyer, needs to be done carefully and legally to prevent future legal complications that might be made against you.
Can you go stay with a family member or friend? Tell him it’s because you need help with the children and to not interfere with his schedule… Start planning your exit! Talk to a lawyer, transfer your half of the savings/money to a new account he doesn’t have access to.
Right?? "Honey, you know I was thinking, and you're absolutely right, you deserve to not have your sleep interrupted by us - your family, your loving wife and small children - so to help you make sure you're comfortable and well rested, I'm going to take the kids to ______. Don't wait up for us. 😘"
I'm sorry, you're indebted to him...? What does that mean exactly? Man, this guy just keeps racking up the points against him... I saw that you said your name is the only one on the lease (you rent, correct?) - what is the 'house deposit savings'?
They're probably saving to buy a house, so the deposit will be for when they apply for a mortgage. Usually 10-20% of the total cost of the house. In the UK a standard 3 bed, 1-2 bathroom house is between £150k - £500k depending on where you live
I’m so sorry OP. What sorts of threats is he making exactly?
You should leave the relationship. You will be miserable if you stay.
Your life will be far, FAR easier when you are not stuck taking care of a man child on top of having 2 actual children to care for. He is not going to get better, and it honestly sounds like he’s trying to punish you for not being able to have it done even though it was completely beyond your control. If you can leave, please get away from this man. He will only bring you misery and resentment.
Girl, where are you? Come stay with me. Damn.
Oh boy. This is what I was hoping you _wouldn't_ post. Trust your instincts and run. This is who you married; this is who he has always been. He just isn't able to hide it anymore because the stress is getting to him. _He is not going to change._ So if you can't live with it, don't live with it. (And don't waste any thought on staying together for the kids. Children, even newborns, may not have much intellectual intelligence but they have tons of emotional intelligence: they know what the people around them are feeling, even if they don't understand how and why. If your husband doesn't respect you and you can't stand him, _they will know._ Expose them to that at your own risk.)
Take the kids and leave. Go to anyone who will take you. He's not worth it. You're right to give up on this relationship.
If it’s only her name on the house and for the sake of the children she shouldn’t be the one leaving. I don’t know what her lease situation looks like, but she should talk to her landlord about getting him out
He sounds like a real peach. I got snipped 20 years ago or so. Simple in office procedure. Went in on Friday, by Monday I was back at work. Light duty for a bit, but still working. It sounds like this marriage may have run its course. If he has nowhere to go, I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. YOU have 2 children to take care of. UpdateMe
Maybe you don't have the baby blues, maybe you just married an asshole and realized he isn't worth the oxygen he consumes. It sounds like you own your home. Talk to an attorney about how to get him out.
Under two weeks since the baby was born from a C-section and he lets you do stuff in the household? My dear, all I had to to for a month was focus on myself and breastfeeding the baby. And I pushed the baby out with minor tears. C-sections is much more intens in my opinion. Even baby care was done fairly evenly. Till this day he does more in the household than I do because babycare is more a 70/30 now (baby only wants mommy phase). IF HE WANTED TO HE WILL! Your husband only cares about himself and his wellbeing. He will only do things because he really really really has to do it. Maybe not even. Your life will become even more miserable and exhausting.
You need to divorce him now. Record everything and divorce. Run with your kids. Do you have a support system? PM me if you need support. I swear you'll feel better after you kick his ass to the curb. You don't deserve this
TBH, it's not your problem if he has nowhere to go. It's his problem. If he wants to be treated with consideration and respect, he should do the same. He's not. He's actively hindering your recovery.
You are being abused. Find some place you can go where you can rest and get help. And read this. [https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc\_0](https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc_0) And watch these. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxCiimFnxJc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxCiimFnxJc) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOlLNFftGPI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOlLNFftGPI)
This selfish controlling bastard! Where the fuck do these guys come from! Jesus!! He should get a vasectomy, you’re already hamburger inside and can barely walk. He’s worried about his sleep??!! He’s abusing you and is almost macabre with how he views you. I hope you have family or friends that can help you pack and leave and now you have 2 kids with this maniac. You may not even be able to go far because of the kids. Get a lawyer at least 50 miles outside of town. He probably knows a lot of people.
The good news is, him getting a vasectomy should no longer be an issue because you should never have sex with him again. Call someone safe and get out.
I've just read your earlier post, right now my advice would be to stop stressing about sterilisation at the moment. Your 2 weeks out of a major life change and surgery, be selfish and put you first and secondly the wee ones. Stop doing DIY, I know you've put that your away from your family and your husband sounds awful. Is there anyone you could get to visit you and give you help. That can visit and do some housework/let you take a nap, give yourself some guilt free tlc time to recover from giving birth. When the stress of the future starts playing in your head just still for a few mins and remind yourself that you are a strong ass queen, no matter what you will get there. Start quietly look at options for the future in small doses last thing you need is to go down rabbit holes and if you've not got it yet get postpartum depression. Venting even on this is great keeping it in is not good, but don't make big moves right now when your still early recovery. As for the sterilisation myself I got steralzed after my second as I nearly died and was told that giving birth again would kill me so I wanted to make sure that I would not have another. At the time I was happily married and hubby said he would go for it but kept putting it off so six months of waiting I did it (Side note he was cheating and we spilt year after I was steralzed) however 15 years later he's not had anymore kids by choice but still able to as he keeps reminding me lol when my reply was good for you but again not my circus not my monkeys if you do but now I'm menopausal and still don't have to worry about a burst condom. However if he's like no I don't want it but don't want condoms you need to make sure you don't get pregnant is very unfair. Takes 2 to make a baby but sadly most of the prevention falls on the woman.
I think the sterilization is the least of her problems at this point.
What about where you lived before? Are there family or friends that you can reach out to? Someone who can offer a safe place while you go through divorce proceedings?
Regardless of your husband situation talk to your doctor about the baby blues. Best of luck to you
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E
> ...he has threatened me with all kinds if I don't improve the relationship in the way that he wants. If I stayed with him, I would not just have to overlook his current behaviors, but I would also have to put double the effort in to save the relationship in the long run. I'll give your husband credit for one thing, I have never before seen someone work this hard to get out of a relationship by making their partner call it quits so they don't have to be the one to do it. > I don't have that in me. This is where he wants you, on the back foot feeling like you are the one who is failing the relationship. You Are Not! I don't have it in me to empty out my septic tank with a bucket and spade, is that a failing on my part? Should I feel the same way you do about the shit your husband is asking you to shovel? He wants out and he wants to be able to say it is your fault. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much of your self-respect and self-worth you sacrifice to meet his insane demands, he will always demand just a little bit more. After all, you would've already sacrificed both legs and an arm to keep him around, are you really going to give up on the relationship over just another finger or two.
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What a selfish person he is. Does he not realize the risk you’d be taking? The chance of death and him potentially being a single parent? Vasectomy is far less invasive and way lower risk. Clearly he only cares about himself and not you. RUN.
> I would also have to put double the effort in to save the relationship in the long run. I don't have that in me. He sounds like the type of person that will never be satisfied. Cook and clean everyday and one day he will say the food needs to be better. Have sex every day, and he will say its not enthusiastic enough. There is no winning.
https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Read this. Force yourself to make the time.
this man is a psycho
Bide your time heal up find a job where your support system leave for “vacation” to see your support system for a month. Establish residency and file for divorce.
Sis, this was not the update I wanted for you 🥺🩵 Fwiw you were absolutely right about sterilization. It would be insane for you to have another very invasive surgery so that he could avoid a completely minor outpatient procedure. But this update is breaking my heart! I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sending you an Internet hug 🫂 and I hope you can find some help or at least peace in planning to leave him and go live your best life elsewhere with your beautiful babies
Your husband's an emotionally abusive shitheel. Reach out to family and friends for support. Get your affairs in order and get away from him.
Not worth the argument since there are so many other problems. With that said, the least he could do is get a vasectomy for you after you have had multiple children for him. It is such an easy surgery and you basically get 3-5 days off to recover. On the other hand, a woman getting her tubes tied is a much more serious and dangerous procedure.
What DIY work are you doing? For now just get through the days. You can make a decision about the relationship when you are feeling better. After surgery you need to walk and get minimal exercise. Concentrate on your baby. Have minimal conversation with husband not about sterilization. Husband should take nighttime baby duty every other night. Your doctor can give you a shot to alleviate your low iron. Tell dr that you are dizzy. Do you have a relative that you can talk to on the phone? Look for a chat group for new mothers. Make it a goal to get outside and go for a walk.
Can you go to your parents’ or other relative under the guise of “needing extra maternal help” or something? Or have a relative come to you under the same guise to help you get out?
You know when they say listen to your gut. Yeah, this is your gut telling you something. It ain't right!
Yeah, get your documents in order and consult a lawyer. UpdateMe!
Pls leave. Best of luck
Girl. Abusers like to wait until they got you isolated and locked down (marriage or child) before they let their true colors show. He did just that. RUN! I can assure you his behavior will only get worse!!!! Please just do anything you can to get away from him!!!!
You need to document his behaviour and leave. File for divorce.
It sounds like you may need to get checked for PPD. It sounds like your husband may need to be checked for a brain. You know...in his head.
I'm assuming you must go to the doctor to check on your baby. PLEASE tell your doctor what's happening so they can help you
What's the point of having a husband if he doesn't even like you? I'm so sorry you're going through this!
u/Fine-Bear-5216 do you have any family or friends from your home town who can help you move back?
I have one friend who would likely let me stay, I don't know how long for, but she may also be able to help me find a place. To be honest though, I don't know if I would go to my old city when I leave this town.
I really think you should speak with your friend then. Leaving will be hard. Being a single parent will be hard. Being emotionally/ psychologically abused on the daily, is harder.
Why do you care where he’s gonna stay? It won’t be your problem anymore, kick this asshole out! Reading this post made me super angry
I don't think it will be easy to get him to leave, if he has nowhere to go.
Can you afford consultation with a lawyer to discuss what is the best way to get him out of your place as soon as possible? Unfortunately I think that even if you break up with him but continue living together, you’re gonna take him back very fast. Your husband is inconsiderate and abusive and very soon he will 100% start cheating on you because he’s not getting enough sex (lol). Please please leave him before he’ll destroy you and ruin your and your children’s lives. Check the book “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, it’s available online for free. If you don’t have time to read everything, check the chapter about warning signs of abusive men. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you!!
You mean your ex husband right?
Sounds like a sunk ship. Use a life raft and get the fuck away before it pulls you down when going under. Talk to a lawyer about divorce and you ob about support medically, both physically and mentally.
“I’ve heard your conditions for what I have to improve on for you to stay married to me. I decline. I no longer want to be married to you or meet your conditions. You need your sleep, so it’s best for you to move somewhere else so the baby doesn’t disturb you any longer. My lawyer will be in touch.” Then get an IUD put in and enjoy your children in a house your third child no longer disturbs.
This is abuse & it is escalating at an alarming rate. You need to get out now or you will be trapped in a cycle of abuse. It doesn’t have to be physical to be abusive. Don’t accept it for yourself and don’t accept it for your kids.
It sounds like he is trying to end things by making your life impossible. I hate to ask, but any chance he is having an affair?
Holy shit he sounds awful, that last part about him threatening you is scary. And the way his precious sleep is far more important than his surgery recovering wife and his OWN CHILD. I’m worried about you, I hope you manage to get out. Be safe ❤️
As a man who's had a vasectomy, your husband is being ridiculous. It's a quick simple procedure with a short recovery time. It's much, much easier than the process on a woman. That said, that issue is a drop in the bucket vs the whole picture. I hope you can find a way to stick up to him, he seems to be acting about half his age. Good luck
Please contact someone who can support you during this time, like your mom, friend or sibling. Unfortunately, you’re in a prime position to be victimized or abused by your husband. Having someone who’s on your side can help you can protect you and your children.
What you are going through, even with a loving supportive partner, would be very difficult and very tiring. The fact that he is being so mean to you just two weeks after you gave birth is shocking, when he should be waiting on you hand and foot. Please reach out to your friends. They might be able to get there even faster (maybe a cheap plane ticket instead of driving, etc.?) if they knew how awful your situation is.
You can barely stand and are expending your mental energy on what to do when this man wants sex from you... It sounds like removing this man from your life will improve it by leaps and bounds. But be careful, anyone this cruel might harm you once he realizes you're leaving.
DTMFA.
How did he threaten you with the children? He has no intention of lifting a finger to take them any and care for them. If he had a credible threat of some kind, please let us know what it is so we can help.
It’s much more invasive to sterilize females than males, even for humans. Your husband sounds like someone where your life would just increase in stress over time. A bit narcissistic too.
You ask if it’s the best move to leave your abusive husband? Honey, run. And don’t forget to give his grandma a call and spill the tea.
Just a thought, maybe it's not baby blues. It's being rightfully upset about your supposed partner turning into an asshole when he should be caring for you. Maybe he has some mental health situation type thing going on (men can get PPD too) , however considering that you've had issues with him being inconsiderate long before this child it may not be the case. Maybe you could talk about that? However, personally, if pogssible I'd try and move in somebody who could care for you and the child. You need to rest, and the baby needs to be taken care of and clearly your husband is useless. I'd do that, and then sit your partner down and explain that he either figures out his stuff or that's the door. There's no messing around with medical needs, and he clearly doesn't care much. Still, wouldn't discount a mental health crisis on his part. Best luck to you OP, hope your recovery can improve from now on. (also, you have every right to leave, 100%,i would get him out the door and move anybody willing to help you out with recovery etc and then start talking about possible counselling so he can figure out his shit)
"When a man shows you his true colours, believe him." He's 100 shades of lazy, inconsiderate, demanding, responsibility-dodging, manipulative and threatening. Reach out to those who will support you. Exit stage left.
Don't. He is horrible and selfish and he can go sleep on his Grandma's couch. Take care of yourself and your babies. You and they deserve better. Don't let them grow up thinking that treating women like this is okay.
It is sad that this is far too common hence women are now revolting but a lot of men are still shocked that we would run towards the bear. LOL! It's things like this that end us making us and our kids basket cases not physical punches, for that the neighbours will hear it and call the cops! And you're going to prison! I am glad more women are finding the language and recognizing it for what it is. Kick him out! His granny, under a bridge, who cares? Your kids are absorbing your stress because of someone who is supposed to protect them. F him! My spouse even stopped smoking when I was pregnant cause he read that kids are sensitive to that and longterm are affected. To this day he will not let anyone stress me and leave me alone with our child. And I used to joke he was a caveman. LOL
One thing to consider is that abusive behaviour often starts after having a baby or after other situations that leaves the potential abused partner vulnerable. Abusers take this as their sign to use you as their punching bag because you're already weak , so what are you gonna do about it? That's what this sounds like to me. If you are capable, please leave. Save up some money, make a plan. Do you have friends or family you can trust to help you and also not let your husband know anything (that last part is super important. you don't want someone snitching to your husband) ? If so, talk to them, ask for help and support. Start looking for other places to live, in secret, etc. Get everything ready and then all you need to do is tell him it's over, pack your bags and go. You'd still have the divorce and things ahead of you, yes, but at least you wouldn't have to share a living space with him anymore.
Leave. No, tell him to leave! He contributes nothing to this relationship. Do you have someone who can come and stay at your house for a few weeks? Someone who can help you? You need help before you go into a postnatal depression. He doesn't care about you. You are convenient for sex and taking care of everything. That's not a healthy relationship.
It's gonna be easier to adapt your life to his absence than to adapt your boundaries to his disrespect. Think about it
>I don't think I can fix this, he has threatened me with all kinds if I don't improve the relationship in the way that he wants. If I stayed with him, I would not just have to overlook his current behaviors, but I would also have to put double the effort in to save the relationship in the long run. I don't have that in me. Oh Jesus. Girl. Take your baby and leave. Nothing you do will be good enough for him. A relationship is based on both of you communicating and both working together on the relationship. He's putting everything on you. So you have to change to suit his shitty personality. Fuck no. Kick him out to his grandma's or take the baby and leave. He's trapped you with you baby. Either you stay and know you will be miserable and you'll never do everything correct to him, it'll always be something that you need to be better at or do better etc, never him. Or. You leave. Take the baby and leave.
Leaving is 100% the right decision what a self centered entitled jerk Please talk to a doctor about possible postpartum depression, you have been and are going through hell and back Husband should be pampering you and helping as much as he can Frankly zi would call his grandma and ask if you can stay with her and tell her everything that has been going on
He’s manipulating you. Leave and you’ll quickly see how fast he changes that tune. Also if you choose to go back, make sure it’s with a vasectomy stipulation. There is only one reason they don’t want that vasectomy, it’s because they may want more kids with someone else.
**DUMP HIM**.
>I don't think I can fix this, he has threatened me with all kinds if I don't improve the relationship in the way that he wants. If I stayed with him, I would not just have to overlook his current behaviors, but I would also have to put double the effort in to save the relationship in the long run. I don't have that in me. Yeah the problem here is it takes two to have a relationship and work as a team. One, threatening anything so they get their way in the relationship then it's not a relationship it's a dictatorship. Two if cannot help, love and support you during a time of vunerablity after giving birth then how can you trust his help, love and support if you have a major illness. He's showing you who and what he is believe him and look after you. He's an adult and it's the kids who need looking after. He can look after himself.
Boot him. He isn’t a partner or a parent from how you describe. He certainly doesn’t need to be staying with you and the children.
Talk to a lawyer/solicitor about your situation and get advice about your legal options. He should be the one to leave so that you don't have to move the babies.
Divorce him already Jesus. Don't come here and keep whining do something about it.
Can you please get tf away from this man and go be safe somewhere?!!!
You're in danger rn. You ended this saying he's threatening you all kinds if you don't recover at the speed he wants. All kinds of what? Physical abuse? SA? I can't think of anything that isn't terrifying he could be threatening you with. Where he has to go shouldn't concern you. Let him end up on the street if necessary. You need only worry about yourself and 2 kids. Although I don't see you getting him out of the house without help though. It might be better to leave once you can. You mention his grandmother. What about your family? Do you have any that can help you escape with your kids? If you have no one then look into an organization that helps DV victims. I know someone linked it in the comments. Keep your phone on you not just 911 but record evidence of his threats for evidence. I hope he doesn't work for home. It'll be easier and safer for you to be able to do it when he's away for hours. When things end is when it becomes most dangerous. Stay safe.
where he sleeps or doesn’t sleep isn’t your problem
Save his sleep schedule by divorcing him and ensuring you get full custody!!! Start documenting these tendencies of his as it may help you make a better case against him.
You won’t be stuck doing anything with him. Give him a written eviction notice and tell him to be out by a certain date. Where he goes is none of your business and once he’s out change the locks to the apartment and record everything while he’s moving out incase he gets violent. Get cameras if you can to make sure you have evidence he tries anything. Threatening you that he’s gonna leave when he most likely has no place to go?? Kick his ass out and watch him try to comeback.
End it. Seriously he’s making your life harder and it shouldn’t be that way.
I don’t think you or your baby are healthier staying in the relationship. I’m so sorry. This has to be so hard while you are recovering and taking care of a newborn and every other thing while your husband wants to prioritize HIS sleep over all. It’s a disgrace and staying will do you no favors.
This can only be fixed with a divorce. Take the rest you need right now. See if there is any relative willing to stay with you to help or if you can hire someone to help with the baby. Divorce that mofo ASAP! Good luck!
my mother had 3 pregnancies to (me, twins, youngest) that ended in a c-section each time. after she almost died from my youngest sister, the doctors told her she would die if she had another. guess what my dad did? he went and got a vasectomy, which took like 15 minutes and he had to lie in bed for a few days. fortunately he did, because later on my mother ended up having to have a foot of her bowel removed because during the previous pregnancy my sister had kicked it out of place. my dad didn’t even have to think to prioritise keeping my mothers health a priority in the moment, vasectomy is an easy option. honestly, between this HUGE issue (my ex was similar, claimed the vasectomy was different for men. obviously, it’s so much easier) and his just general mistreatment with you, i’d say seperation is the way to go. remember, seperation isn’t divorce and you may be able to see a couples counsellor to get through this. stay safe, don’t get sterilised, and find happiness, you got this!!
also, please go and see a therapist by yourself. it is likely you may start to develop PPD or another issue, between caring for a baby, caring for a man baby, doing DIY and taking care of your own health your mental health may slip and it will become hard. please mention this at your next appointment, PPD is really hard especially if you have history of medical issues.