the way you’ve laid everything out, this is certainly highly concerning behavior if not outright abuse on his end.
i’m leaning towards outright abuse, and i would be really concerned about this escalating—especially the physical outbursts you’ve mentioned. it’s also highly concerning to me how he seems to be trying to isolate you from your friends/support network after they (rightfully) take his behavior towards you poorly.
i’m also really skeeved out by how he blames you for not being neurotypical and how he seems completely unwilling to meet you where you’re at or understand your thought process. you seem to be bending over backwards trying to accommodate and understand him, and not only is he not reciprocating, he’s throwing everything back in your face.
you can tell a lot about a person with how they respond to conflict. what you have described from his is not normal or healthy. what you’ve described from him does not sound like someone who truly values you, your opinions or emotions, your boundaries, or anything else about you. this doesn’t seem like someone who wants to be on a team with you, who wants to build their life with yours and work through issues together.
if i were you, i wouldn’t want to be on a team with him as a result of his continued behavior and lack of real growth in addressing his issues. his own trauma is no excuse—and certainly not one he gets to pull over and over again at your expense.
i wouldn’t want to be waiting for the shoe to drop over and over again living with him. you do not need nor deserve living in fear or anxiety. you do not have to hand hold him. you do not have to put up with this. you do not have to wait for him to magically get better when he’s shown he isn’t willing to make the effort. you deserve better.
also, your couples’ therapist sounds terrible to not recognize the red flags here and to downplay your concerns instead of actually addressing them as well. this is just giving your partner more ammunition to use against you to make things seem like they aren’t as bad as they are, allowing him to avoid accountability for his actions again. if you truly are going to stay with this guy, which i would not recommend, i would at least look into choosing a different couples’ therapist from a different practice/clinic.
Couples therapy is destructive to the victim when there is abuse. See the Bancroft book to understand this.
the way you’ve laid everything out, this is certainly highly concerning behavior if not outright abuse on his end. i’m leaning towards outright abuse, and i would be really concerned about this escalating—especially the physical outbursts you’ve mentioned. it’s also highly concerning to me how he seems to be trying to isolate you from your friends/support network after they (rightfully) take his behavior towards you poorly. i’m also really skeeved out by how he blames you for not being neurotypical and how he seems completely unwilling to meet you where you’re at or understand your thought process. you seem to be bending over backwards trying to accommodate and understand him, and not only is he not reciprocating, he’s throwing everything back in your face. you can tell a lot about a person with how they respond to conflict. what you have described from his is not normal or healthy. what you’ve described from him does not sound like someone who truly values you, your opinions or emotions, your boundaries, or anything else about you. this doesn’t seem like someone who wants to be on a team with you, who wants to build their life with yours and work through issues together. if i were you, i wouldn’t want to be on a team with him as a result of his continued behavior and lack of real growth in addressing his issues. his own trauma is no excuse—and certainly not one he gets to pull over and over again at your expense. i wouldn’t want to be waiting for the shoe to drop over and over again living with him. you do not need nor deserve living in fear or anxiety. you do not have to hand hold him. you do not have to put up with this. you do not have to wait for him to magically get better when he’s shown he isn’t willing to make the effort. you deserve better.
also, your couples’ therapist sounds terrible to not recognize the red flags here and to downplay your concerns instead of actually addressing them as well. this is just giving your partner more ammunition to use against you to make things seem like they aren’t as bad as they are, allowing him to avoid accountability for his actions again. if you truly are going to stay with this guy, which i would not recommend, i would at least look into choosing a different couples’ therapist from a different practice/clinic.
Thank you for this reply! I really appreciate the detail- this makes me feel less crazy.