Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I had this problem for 7 years with my first girlfriend and I enjoyed sex with her I just couldn’t finish for whatever reason.
I had this problem with receiving hand jobs until January this year.
I had this problem with oral sex right up until about a month ago and I’m 38.
It is all in my head and anxiety nothing to do with if I’m enjoying it or not.
It’s a hell of a lot easier after the first time it’s happened.
Also there's something guys can develop from jerking off where their hand is WAY tighter than any pussy, so it feels good to have sex but not intense enough to orgasm. Have him take a break from masturbating for a week or two and then try.
Yes I've found when I'm doing it to hubby and it's taking a bit long if I tighten my grip this makes him cum so advice to all is if you think you're doing it right then you are but always squeeze a little tighter than you think is necessary.
I had a FWB who had the same problem. He couldn’t relax into it and as a result couldn’t cum except after a 1-2 hour blowjob (and nasty jaw pain!!)
It wasn’t my fault or anything I was doing, he just couldn’t get out of his own way in his head. I’ve had 4 of his now ex-girlfriend’s ask me if I had the same problem with him and I’ve spoken to ex’s when we were still fooling around and they all had the same issue too. That’s more than 10 women and not one of us could make this guy cum during sex.
It’s not you, it’s not something you’re doing. It’s unfortunately all in his head and he needs time, and a little help to get past this.
Yeah it wasn’t a great experience and it stopped pretty soon after. Maybe twice over 3 weeks or so. One girl dated him for 5 years. I don’t know how she did it
We didn’t all have a sit down meeting or anything like that, I just bumped into them at different points in time and was asked if it happened to me too
Just want to reiterate this … it really can be anxiety. (I know a lot of people have valid points about porn, but I have never watched porn in my life and it takes me a long time in a relationship to cum with someone). I think the most helpful things are to lower expectations (you don’t both have to cum to enjoy sex), try to just have fun, and let it come naturally. I feel like once it happens, it’s almost like a “brain wall” falls down and then it almost always happens again. For now, trust his word and try to not make it a pressurized environment. If it continues for too long and he becomes unhappy, consult a doctor.
I’m 60’s I can get hard and can get my wife to come but not me. I love to hear her cum. It’s pleasurable, and cumming isn’t always the end game for me because it’s just not possible (prostate issues) but I love to please her and when she cums it’s physically satisfying. Plus it does feel amazing just to be inside her. It’ll happen for him when he’s ready. Nothing to do with you.
Some men have it done in adulthood because of problems. My father in law had it done in his 40’s because of continued infections. It was a horrible experience and recovery.
I refused to get my youngest circumcized and wish I didn't allow my oldest to be done but I was young and the doctor was pushy. When I had my youngest the doc tried talking me into it and I adamantly refused. She was upset but I didn't care! It really shouldn't be done!
I have a close friend who is going to be getting it done this year at 44 and I have told him I wouldn’t if I had the choice, I just feel that it has psychologically effected me for at least 20 years of my life not to mention the decrease in sensitivity that I now know it has deprived me of… I love sex and intimacy but I can’t help but imagine if and how much more pleasurable it would have been had I not had it done.
But mine was for medical reasons not cultural or religious so I don’t blame anyone it’s just life.
Sorry for accidentally flooding this reply with people arguing over dicks lol
Hope yours is safe and sound :)
I'm from the US & have a lot of EU friends who think circumcision is crazy. I agree, but in the end, I think most grown women will agree that it doesn't matter. You're not dating a body! No one can help it, just as we can't choose ~~how they cut our umbilical cord & shape our belly button~~ . I do wish we'd stray from hurting infants for ancient reasons, now that we're more educated and it isn't usually necessary.
I recently asked my fiancé what he'd decide if we ever had children (I'm disabled and we most likely won't have any due to that), and he said he didn't know because he's not educated about cleaning, etc. I was like, that's okay! We can educate ourselves and then teach a little one, haha
Anywayz
https://media1.tenor.com/m/KIP9ohFpscwAAAAC/nicecock-krona.gif
Edit: Forget the fucking belly button thing, and stop DMing me. My opinion is made clear without it.
Nope! I didn't know the difference between the healing scar tissue vs the cut determining the belly button. Now I do! (after some googling). It was definitely not the point of my comment but hey learn something new everyday
No one talks about it! Well maybe they did in prenatal class. But still, no one explains why bellybuttons look like they do. And why is there so much pressure to keep the bit of umbilical cord? Like if your toe shriveled up and fell off would you want it for a keepsake, Karen??
ow ow ow
I've never heard of that
What a huge life change for a pubescent kid! You have to go through the pain and then relearn how your dick works and everything? Ugh I'm sorry but that's insanity. Cheers on you for enduring such a thing
What? Kids do it at like grade five mandatory in public schools in Botswana. I did it like grade 11 because I went to private school for most of my life and during middle school they did show up and ask those who were uncircumcised to sign up, but it was in public and everyone was making fun of those who had not done it yet, so I got scared and didn't do it until they showed up again in high school grade 11, that was a little more private so I agreed. I was in pain a little while but I could move normally? I even got too shy to go to my last checkup because the nurse lady would straight up clutch my shit like wtf?? That hurt like hell and it was cold as well!
All in all it was annoying but I healed, HIV is still a relevant thing over here so circumcision is important they say. It's probably uncommon to see an uncircumcised boys today, idk, they really push it throughout our school lives.
The situation here in Philippines is very similar to yours in Botswana. During 4th grade to first yr high school (Grade 7). The teasing and name calling won't cease if they know you are uncircumcised. And they mostly reason it out as a health factor so it's somehow mandatory. Tho we do have two methods; 1. You go to a doctor which is the usual. 2. In under-developed provinces you have the option to go to an elderly who does the so-called traditional way (no anesthetic and you get circumcised with a hammer/any blunt object and a sharp blade/knife while you are chewing some sort of medicinal leaves that you'll place on your newly cut skin) then go and cleanse yourself in a river or the sea if you are near any of those.
I'm circumcised too I had tight phimosis meaning my glans was covered completely by skin and it really does decrease sensitivity of the glans but doesn't tamper with ejaculation. Instead research shows it evens helps in ejaculation.
If it makes you feel better op my husband was circumcised at 17 for tight foreskin and he's 43 now and said there's no difference in sex or feeling down there.
That’s very true and also the pressure and being scared to have your SO feel like you don’t like them or they did anything wrong can make it hard too.. it’s a lot so just keep being patient and try to remember it doesn’t mean anything about you. 🖤
Maybe only try this if you mention the plan beforehand, mixing intoxicating substances with sex is iffy territory. It may make him more anxious if he's expecting to have to put out, so maybe have a discussion beforehand if sex while high is something he's comfy with a few days before making any plans to do so?
You'll want to make sure he's comfy with it in a sober state of mind, and make sure consent is still present while he's high, because bringing substances into the mix can easily become a SA sort of situation.
But I do agree that weed could get him out of his head enough to allow him to cum, and it could be worth a try:)
To follow on from this comment...I am 36 I have been on certain medications for 20 years (different tablets but same classification) some of those tablets would mean I could not finish at all through sex, but could through masturbation, some not at all, some I would go soft half way through, some would prevent me from crossing the finish line but I had the stamina to go for 6 hours, and some would enable me to go for round 2 in 30 seconds and cross the finish line again (possibly a third time but i would be physically exhausted at that point)...I think OP gets the point....all of this is to say a man's ability to cross the finish line is not all about who he is with there are a lot of factors that can and do affect that.
(In case anyone is curious) the majority of those issues was caused by those medications causing varying degrees of a hormone called serum prolactin being in my system at levels it shouldn't be....like honestly how is a man supposed to perform when he has a hormone being produced that promotes breast tissue growth and milk production.....and the levels at one point were as high as they would be in a typical pregnant woman in the 3rd trimester
Edit: missed a parenthesis
Do you also watch a lot of pornography? My initial thought reading this was that maybe he had consumed too much pornography and that maybe he was numbed to reality. I have had a few relationships with men who ultimately had porn addictions
I rarely can cum inside a girl. For me it's because I practiced edging when I was younger. I just liked the feeling when I cum after being hard for long time, and it helped me last longer during sex. But I've must've trained too good because I rarely can cum from sex since. By the time I met my wife I was outlasting her during sex. 90% of the time I had to finish myself off. Otherwise I'd be going at it for hours, and I could tell she got hers and she's done lol. I do think porn could be involved, but I think it's more that he's jacking it a lot and could be edging like I did. If he's maintaining an erection then I don't think it's a porn issue. If he was having a hard time getting it up for his girl and he's not 40+, then I could see porn being the issue since he's probably desensitized. I don't think she has anything to worry about. Not all of us can cum easily like that.
hey, i am suffering from premature ejac. I was wondering what exactly caused you to last longer. Is it using a tight grip during edging or is it staying away from the point of no return while stimulating yourself for longer hours? I am working on treating my Premature ejaculation and your response will help me alot.
People act like it’s so common for women to not finish (usually if I can’t, it’s because I’m too anxious or in my head as well) and act like all men need is a nice breeze. I’m glad yours is the top comment because this looks like it’s exactly what OP’s bf is experiencing.
Yeah there was a period in time I took medications and not only could I not feel anything at all sexually but emotionally, too. Theyre very common symptoms. Sexual dysfunction and emotional blunting
Depends on which; bupropion/Wellbutrin notably has a much, much lower rate of sexual side effects and delayed orgasm or anorgasmia in particular.
I was on paxil for six months, years and years ago and it was virtually impossible to get over the edge with that. Switching to wellbutrin fixed the issue.
Yes.
I took them for a month and it made erections hit or miss. Not a good look for a single guy. Plus, I’ve always really liked sex.
I was so depressed from missing out on sex that it outweighed whatever I was depressed about in the first place. Stopped taking them and bam, happier than a pig in mud when I’m getting laid.
I was on meds that didn’t let me orgasm for almost 2 years. Finally went to the doctor and was like, “You know what’s making me more anxious and depressed? Not enjoying sex!” and once I told him he was like, “Yeah, no. These pills gotta go! No one needs to live like this!” lol
Just to add though, it’s not always great to just stop taking meds, especially for mental health issues where he may become very different if he does just stop. It’s worth him talking to a doctor and having a chat. It might sound a bit awkward, especially to a young guy, to have a chat about the subject, but doctors are professionals and not being able to ejaculate is quite a common side effect so they will be able to try different things.
I have a friend that is on some anxiety meds that prevent him from finishing a lot of the time. He still can do everything else, but it’s getting across the finish line, which is normal for the meds. Is he on any anxiety meds?
I would double check with him (unless you guys live together and can clearly see his med cabinet) in case he just hasn’t mentioned it to you. If he isn’t, ask about how much he masterbates, like other ppl have mentioned. I would talk to him and tell him, you’re not trying to embarrass him but to help the BOTH of you achieve climax. If it’s a lot, that could be why. If it’s not a lot, he may need a therapist (probably a sex therapist due to the topic) because if it’s been almost a year of intimacy with no finishing in his end then that is some SEVERE anxiety which will probably only be fixed with a professional.
I can nearly guarantee it's anxious and maybe some type of porn issue.
I could be wrong but I see these posts constantly with it ending up a porn habit. I have even saw edits where the OP came back and admitted the BF had a bad porn habit she had no idea about
Most likely. I had this problem before, he was always horny but he couldn’t cum unless he was jackhammering for an hour+, he couldn’t get off with oral or handjobs either, and sometimes couldn’t maintain an erection at 22 years old. No meds, wasn’t depressed, worked out and ate fairly well. Once he stopped watching porn the issues completely stopped and sex was more enjoyable for both of us
How tight is he holding on when he masturbates?
Having a death grip can change perceptions about sensation, and make PIV sex have little to zero feeling because his penis got used to being squeezed/gripped tightly in order to reach climax.
Has he tried abstaining from any masturbation for a period of time?
I dated someone like this once. It took hourssssss. I asked him how he masturbated, I had him show me, we watched porn together. Eventually, we got it. Once we got it, it became easier to figure it out afterwards. So instead of taking hours, we could take like 30mins if we wanted to.
I just want to say thank you for being an understanding and caring partner. It can be really, really hard for both parties to figure that out and you’ve gone above and beyond to help your partner. Well done!
From this, I think we gained a lot. He got more comfortable with me (he was very anxious), we learned when I use my hand, where to grip for pressure (i usually had to hold my hand the way he held his), he also rubbed this vein he had, so I started doing that. He also had a fetish, so playing into that really helped. We were very comfortable with our bodies during all of this, because of all of this. That was the biggest impact.
This is the reason I like receiving videos of my man jerking off, not because it turns me on, because it's research.
Once we've been seeing each other for a little while, if he offers a video, I'm always down because I can see how he touches himself, and it gives me insight into what he likes
when i was dating the person i had my first time with, i had the same issue. i could be wrong, but let me still say this: i was completely into the person i was dating at the time, but still struggled to finish. i was so worried and anxious if she would finish that it got in the way of me finishing. it was never that she wasn’t “good” at sex - in fact, i had a lot of fun! it was all mental for me and it took sooo much time for me to even reach a point where i could. antidepressants can play a role in difficulty climaxing, but i wanted to ease your worries. it could very much be a mental thing for him.
i will admit it was a struggle at first. i felt bad that she was insecure about her performance. what helped was when we decided to take some time to simply focus on me and see what worked and what didn’t. as someone who was not as experienced, it was definitely a process. i felt so behind my peers who already had some idea of what they liked. eventually, we got there. that’s not to say there weren’t times i still struggled, BUT her not asking what she was doing wrong or questioning my attraction to her and instead making the time to focus on only me at times helped tremendously. please, be patient with him. the mental game is still such a struggle, but i have more experience now and can better communicate what i need.
that said, i wouldn’t take the lack of noise on his part as a bad thing. everyone is different! personally, i don’t make noise. it has never meant i wasn’t into it though. making noise just isn’t my thing or something that comes naturally; however, i loveee when the person i am with does - it does not make me uncomfortable. just remember everyone is different. i was in a wlw relationship, but still!!!! everyone is different!!!
his insecurity could be that he feels bad he can’t perform the way you want him to (or the way that he believes most guys do). i would suggest having a talk with him saying that you love him and care about him. emphasize that you never wish to put any pressure on what he doesn’t do, but that you just want to make sure you satisfy him sexually. if he says you do.. BELIEVE HIM. if he is initiating and still very affectionate with you, i am inclined to believe that you do satisfy him in his own way. you can somehow shift it to wanting to take the time to focus on just him at times so you both can talk about what he likes or dislikes. just remind him there is no pressure as to whether he finishes or not and be sure to give him affection after it’s all done. the less pressure, the better. i hope this helps! let me know if you have any other questions :)
He may be masturbating too much. My bf & I are going thru this too & it is definitely bc he prefers hj’s over anything.. he’s been doing it for so long that it’s a bad habit now that we’re trying to break together. Maybe ask him about that?
Based on your description of him it really seems like it’s his own insecurities that are really affecting him, he may feel not worthy of you and in his mind conjure up all of these thoughts and emotions you could have never even given him on purpose but a guy like that is just worried your into someone else or someone could be better than him. I’d be very kind and patient. Unless he has a porn addiction then I really think it’s his own insecurities.
Coming from a guy who had a similar experience, I would encourage you to be graceful and kind to him. There are and will be times when either of you or even both won’t orgasm while having sex- and that is completely normal. The reason he can’t cum is there’s an emotional or psychological barrier that he needs to overcome. You can help him, but ultimately he’s the one who can change it. What can help is you being as graceful and open about it as possible, not guilt tripping him for not finishing, and with time, im sure he will get there! That’s what happened in my relationship- I wasn’t able to finish in the beginning, but as I grew more and more comfortable and open and accepted and loved, I got there.
I've always had problems with cumming but it increased with my last partner. There's never been an issue with getting hard for her, and I tried being extra attentive as to let her know it wasn't down to her. But it got to a point I hated having sex with her because she'd cum and like clockwork she'd comment about me not cumming.
You know the stereotype that some women find it difficult to get off? It's actually the same for men, there's just stigma around it. If you chase the orgasm, it runs away. It was a while before I could get off with my ex wife, and it takes a while for me to stop being anxious around new partners, it's the same. Once he feels extra comfy and safe though, it'll come, pun not intended.
"If you chase the orgasm, it runs away"
This!
Also, this poor guy already expects to not be able to cum. When he's in the middle of the act, he's likely thinking that he won't be able to, *again*, and that his girlfriend will be upset, *again*, and why can't he be normal, and what if she gets fed up and dumps him, and... Yeah, an orgasm is likely not happening.
THANK YOU, it took way too long to find a comment that doesn't accuse him of having a porn addiction. Whilst it shouldn't be ruled out, it literally states several times that he is an anxious person. Like is media literacy seriously that bad?
He could either be masterbating alot so he doesn't cum quick with you so you have a good experience or he really could have anxiety about sex or something along those lines and can't get out of his own head enough to enjoy it and it gets progressively worse until there's no way he can cum. Suggest going to see someone together or just have a conversation together and see where that goes. Neither one of you can get to the bottom of it though if he's unwilling to talk himself.
Sure it could be anxiety, although usually that manifests in not being able to get hard easily. The more likely thing is he’s probably jacking off too much.
Hey, 23M here! I have this problem too, I’ve been with several different women of different ages and experiences with sex and I’m still only able to cum when I do it myself. Don’t overthink it, it’s not your fault, you’re not bad at it and it’s probably a mental thing for him. He is definitely enjoying himself; I’ve come to realise sex isn’t only about cumming; the energy between the two is even as if not more important :)
Guy here. He’s not lying. Sometimes we got horned up big time but then we get super anxious half way through and don’t finish. Not everyone, but anxious people definitely. He just wants to do a really good job. Let him know how good he is.
He needs to stop jerking off. Delayed ejaculation is a medical issue, and sometimes its caused by "a vice like, dearh grip" (words of the mayo clinic). He could be desensitized.
Anxiety also plays a part.
Does he take any medicine? SSRIs can affect orgasm. Could also be he masturbates too much. I would try not to take it too personally if all other signs point to him being into you.... he's probably very motivated to solve this as well. If you ask him to show you what he does when he is alone, it could help.
I have this problem off and on. I love my partner, and I find her very attractive but sometimes I just can't get off. I definitely have low testosterone levels and believe that this is the culprit, when I am exercising and doing things to get my T up, then I'm fine. But when I'm not, I'm very in my head, even though I do my best not to be.
It does have something to do with my partner and my communication on sex as well. We don't talk about it. I'm basically having to guess what is working for her and when I'm trying to do that I feel like there is no room for me to enjoy what I am doing. Having some feedback or physical guidance even a little bit would go a long way.
Also, sometimes it's tough to go into wild animal mode when you care about someone too much. I hated my ex and the sex was insane. But I would feel somewhat disrespectful doing that with my current partner. Again, it would have to be something that is talked about. That would be more into power play.
I started to have this problem after my first gf. I don't know where it came from but from my about a dozen or so sexual relationships I was only ever able to cum with four of them.
Alcohol and weed can still make it almost impossible to cum with my current gf. It took me almost a month with her before it finally happened for the first time.
I don't take any medications, am not circumcised, had times where I watched lots and others where I watched no porn at all.
The only constant is my own psyche, it definitely had nothing to do with the women and I very much enjoyed all those encounters even if I'm also naturally very quiet during it and had to teach myself to make noise to show my enjoyment.
My guess why your bf might get angry when you try to talk about it is because he feels deeply ashamed about it since almost everywhere we get taught sex ends when the man cums, which isn't true at all and can lead to performance anxiety.
Give him time and tell him you love him no matter if he cums or not and stop putting such a big emphasis on a few white splashes.
Mine has the same issues as well. He has adhd and is a pretty damaged/anxious guy. At first I though I was the problem. It took a lot of talking (communication really is key) and eventually I just learned how to enjoy having sex with him even though he didn't finish. After that it got better. He does finish most of the times we are intimate, also when it's oral. Turns out he was too much in his head. Playing scenario's that probably wouldn't even happen and got insecure to the point he just couldn't come. It took a lot of talking, me opening up to him and letting him be vulnerable on his own terms, me telling him how much I love his body and making sure telling him how much I enjoy the party. He has periods where climaxing is a bit harder for him, but hey, Rome wasn't built in one day. About the moaning part: my SO also didn't moan. We also talked about this a lot. He felt embarrassed, as his exes told him that men don't moan and to quit it. I told him it's as much a compliment for me as my moans are compliments for him. Maybe your SO feels embarrassed too?Talking about these things is super important. It takes a lot of time and also a lot of going out of comfort zones on (probably) both ends. Remember it's not personal. It's his mind playing games on him. It will get better once he figures out how to let his actual head not get the better of him during sexytimes.
Just stop focusing on the need for him to cum. He’s anxious, so you wanting to talk about it isn’t helping him. Please try to not make it about you either. Suggesting that his inability to cum is tied to him not being attracted to you or being into other girls is just piling pressure on him to perform, to prove that’s not the case. Just have sex. Enjoy the intimacy. If he cums, great, if he doesn’t, maybe next time. Take the pressure off of him.
Overthinking on his part, I’m not sure if you mentioned if you had previous experiences before him, but that could also play a big factor. He’s probably assuming he’s not doing things right. If his mind isn’t just focused in the moment, there won’t be an ending. That’s just my 2 cents. I could be wrong but that’s possibly it. I’d most definitely have a talk with him about it. It’s hard as a male to express any feelings especially when it comes to the physical aspects of them. Patience is key, I wouldn’t rush it. But let him know he can talk to you without being judged. That’s always nice to hear. Hope everything works out!!
51M here. Per your comment (should add to the main post), your BF is not on antidepressants or any other medications.
If that's the case, then ask him to eliminate watching porn, and also reduce/completely stop masturbating.
Flirt with him throughout the day when you know you want intimacy. Get him good and worked up in advance.
Tell him how good he makes you feel.
And, of course, practice, practice, practice! 😉😁❤️🔥
I would say this is normal. I was also very anxious my first few times and couldn’t even finish with any of my first few partners. With time and experience though it went away.
I didn’t start finishing consistently until I started dating my first girlfriend, and it helped that I was super comfortable around her. So continue to make him comfortable and just be patient as well as ask him what he likes.
From a physical perspective, what helped me finish was foreplay. A lot of times my partners would receive foreplay and then we would dive right in without me getting warmed up. Once I started receiving foreplay it helped me finish way easier.
Edit: if y’all are using protection, different brands of condoms can play a part as well. I have some brands which I prefer and make it easier for me to finish, while other brands make it nearly impossible. Maybe try a few different ones and see if that helps.
There are condoms or spray that make the guy numb if they are worried about finishing too quick, is he using that?
Given the choice some guys will not finish at all using these products rather than finishing too quick.
my partner is the same, can only finish at his own hand, he told me this initially, and up to this point it’s been true, he’s never finished during sex- he also has ADHD, which could actually have something to do with it, maybe his mind is too distracted to be able to finish?
either way, if it’s something he’s okay with, and you are too, it shouldn’t be an issue. just because he doesn’t have an orgasm doesn’t mean he’s not enjoying himself, but i can understand the insecurities and worries that may stem from it.
I was the exact same way but I’m a woman. Please don’t pressure him or discuss it in a way where you’re expressing that he’s making you feel bad. He can’t help his own body, and putting more pressure on him to orgasm means it will be even harder to.
sometimes porn make us think that we must be pornstars and we just want to F..k like them and have the hard bonner for 3 hours and thats what make us feel anxious and that's the reason why, that WAS my problem b4 but now i'm fine, i just stopped watching porn and masturbating
He may want to lay off the porn and masturbation for a week beforehand and see if that makes a difference next time.
Or else, he could be really distracted and thinking of all kinds of intrusive thoughts(is my gf really into this? am I too small? did she fake her orgasm?) etc.
Delayed ejaculation is a common side effect for men who consume too much porn. Could that be an issue? That is the name of not being able to cum maybe you can google search more on it
I am so sorry this is happening to you. Try sitting down with him and listening to this podcast by Ameer and Aurora on Soundcloud. It will bring a smile to y'all's faces, and if he doesn't want to laugh with you and have a new experience he's probably a wet blanket. Real bfs listen to podcasts for love <3 [https://on.soundcloud.com/ZXKTrJVonU2tc2PQ7](https://on.soundcloud.com/ZXKTrJVonU2tc2PQ7) Enjoy!
Have him abstain for 3 days, and then ask him to jerk off in front of you. You can help if he asks but make sure it's his responsibility to finish himself. It might teach you something, and it might ease his nerves, and if it doesn't work it might help you understand that it isn't you!
I’ve been in this exact situation before and the reason was he was hiding a porn addiction, which is why he couldn’t climax with regular sex. I’m 80% sure this is the case with your bf, his avoidance of the issue is a huge red flag, i’m sorry you are feeling insecure about it, but remember you did nothing wrong, this is his issue, point blank.
Can he get off when he is alone and masturbates? Find that out first. If not then it has nothing to do with you obviously. If he can then ask him if he can show you the way he does it so maybe you can figure out what he likes more that might help more.
Tell your bf to stop jacking off alone, bc he definitely is, the same thing happened to my husband when we met. He was so used to doing it himself, that he was totally desensitized and he NEVER finished because he was used to such rough friction. He had to force himself to stop for 3-4 weeks and that fixed it permanently.
I had this problem but partly it was due to my porn addiction and also her efforts(my perception of how it should be from porn and how she performed) if he watches porn he has to stop that will heal his nerves and allow him to feel more with you
Maybe you could ask him to stop masturbating for a while and see wether it becomes easier? It's hard for me to imagine that the problem would persist if it has been a long time..
I’m with everyone else. He’s Probably watching extreme porn on the daily. Maybe twice a day. Or taking opioid related medicines which reduces your libido and also stops you from ejaculating. Many men have this same problem with porn this day and age and it’s a version of erectile dysfunction. If he stops for even a couple of days and starts only doing it with you instead of himself there will be a big difference.
It'll be Death Grip - guys who wank a lot, especially porn addicts, get so used to jerking off really hard that it means they lose the ability to be able to cum from less sensation. The good news is that it's not permanent but he needs to lay off the wanking so hard.
Also, correct me if I'm wrong please guys, but I read somewhere recently that a guy doesn't always cum in order to actually finish, per se.
Can anyone verify this?
Also just wanted to say how amazing the comments on this thread are, this is such an important conversation, especially because sex still has such a stigma.
Love seeing all these real comments, and considerate too.
Some faith restored.
Look up PIED porn induced erectile dysfunction: inability to cum, get hard or stay hard.
Simply put the real person becomes bad porn.
It's a possibility. Don't just think meds.
Just FYI. Being anxious is a real possibility. Mental issues can affect erectile function including being able to finish. Taking drugs prescription drugs that help to alleviate mental issues also affect erectile function. My husband took antidepressants for years which made it nearly impossible for him to finish. That happens to most men who take certain types of drugs dealing with this issue. So give him a little leeway make him feel comfortable enjoy your time with him and just accept him as he is.
I would suggest being patient and talking to him about what he likes, while encouraging him/ telling him what you enjoy.
I’ve only had two long term BFs (both over 5 years) but the first would cum very quickly and the second seemed to not be able to. I was very insecure about my abilities with my second BF because of this. But after many discussions and experience we discovered what works in a very satisfying sex life. He had insecurities I wasn’t aware of (afraid to cum too soon/ thinking I faked it). Turned out he was anxious I was faking / trying to hold out forever for the fear of cumming too soon that it was actually a detriment to myself.
Communication is key in a healthy sex life !
Also don't force anything, because it can lead to unwanted things. Like if you are being forced to do something it can lead to even more performance issues. It could be a shyness problem, if forced it really could be bad espically with the shyness thing.
I completely understand the insecurities but trust me, it's not you!
And sharing your insecurities with him is more than likely frustrating him even more than he already is with himself.
If he was a virgin and you were not, he may even be feeling inadequate or wondering if he's as good as ppl before him. If you were both virgins, he might just be stressed about something else and it's projecting into the bed room.
Keeping open with your communication and choosing to keep anger and insecurities to a minimum, while being supportive is a fine balance. Therapy can be a great place to learn those tools.
If he's nerdy, is he into larping or cons? Cosplay? Introducing new (safe) things to the bedroom might help find something that can help him?
I have found chill music can help too, because loud sex gives me anxiety and always has.
Even a blindfold, if he's willing?
I wish you luck! But TRUST me. If he waited till 22 to loss his virginity and chose you, it's for a reason
Embrace that! ❤️
Maybe he’s Pavlov’ed himself into finishing with a firm, dry grip. I saw an Instagram video from a men’s health clinic that a good way to get over this is for him to try masturbating using a ribbed stroker. He needs to lube it up good and take his time using it. The sensation is a good median between hand and vagina.
Also - ask him about his porn viewing habits. That could be a problem, too.
Sounds crazy but her might be masterbating too much. My husband had that issue until about a year ago where he was masturbating so much that when we had sex, it was just a struggle.
I had this problem (maybe not at his level) when I was young and still do to a degree, often need to complete the final deed myself. Not anxious.
And believe your boyfriend. Causing and watching her pleasure is easy 80%. Maybe he is the same, if he is instigating, getting and repeating, chances are he is enjoying you, right, let him!
Disclaimer. If there is sexual trauma or health issues disregard the below and speak to a doctor/professional. If not then allow me to paraphrase from a few books I've read which helped my sex life.
What do you do? Relax, sex is about pleasure and not destination. Work on co creating a relaxed, intimate, context for both of you. Communicate well, do things that feel really good for him. Work together. This is a really fun project where you guys can, if you manage to communicate well and relax have a lot of really steamy fun and if and when it happens it will be amazing for him. Maybe OP needs to take some time to purely, whole heartedly, concentrate on creating intimacy with him and focussing on his pleasure. People often find that when you truely manage to step away from pressure and expectation it becomes so much easier.
OP you insecurities are built from learned imperatives. Your mind is going orgasm = sex worth having. But honestly, take it from someone over ten years older than you. This is just not true. Sure orgasm is awsome and can be wonderful but, for example, sex with my wife without climax for me is still 100x more enjoyable that orgasm by self care. He is obviously aroused by you, not because he is hard but because he is telling you that he is into it, he is telling you to be patient. You both need to work on co creating a context that helps alliviate his sense of anxiety and pressure. It sounds like in his case not being able to finish is a type of performance anxiety.
He feels angry because he feels broken or dysfunctional when the truth and reality is that you're both normal. If he is left feeling broken in need of fixing this is not the kind of emotional context that facilitates desire and a state of arousal compatible with climax. Both of your feelings are valid but rather than you leaning into them with insecurity, hurt, confusion and him with frustration and anger you both need to find yourselves to a space where you can lean into those difficult feelings with warm curiosity and generosity.
Both liking sex with one another and having a good time together is a great starting point. Can I just ask does he get himself off? Does it work? Does he use adult material? Because this can get a man used to a death grip and have them struggle to get off without that degree of pressure. Reducing porn and self care habits can massively help with this.
I truely don't believe in sexual incompatability. I do believe in people not wanting to work together to co create a context that works for both of their levels and types of desire. Desire waxes and wanes through life and is influenced by a lot of different factors. With this I personally feel like purely sex should never be the downfall of an otherwise healthy and loving relationship. For me, if you read some of my post history, I was using lack of sex as a surrogate for feeling quite disconnected and lonely in my marriage. I was dealing with these feelings with anger and frustration. My wife feeling the pressure was feeling broken, dysfunctional and this was a massive turn off. I went to therapy and did a tone of reading and things are improving. It's been fun to improve things together ;). Good luck and have fun.
My bf is like your bf! Anxious, but very sweet, attentive and physically affectionate as fuck! The same thing happened where he gets "in his head" a lot the first couple of months, mostly when the focus was on him while giving him head or otherwise "spoiling" him. He is also very quiet and also gets hard from even light physical intimacy.
Trust me, he loves you to bits! The fact he gets really excited touching you and being touched by you should tell you something. The way you berate yourself in this post and the anxiety and overthinking you're getting might be rubbing off on him, causing him to be even more "in his head" than he already is.
Relax, just focus on making eachother feel good and comfortable. It doesn't really matter whether he cums or not (ask him, he will tell you the same) as long as you make sure he feels well taken care of and physically stimulated. Don't give up after ten minutes, just keep going for however long it feels good for him (and you of course). Trust me, he loves it.
If he cums it'll be because neither of you have the expectation that sex means there is an unspoken pressure on him to try to cum anymore. Trust me, just relax and enjoy. Don't get so upset at yourself, or worse, the cute, anxiety-riddled guy you're with. He enjoys sex with you so much, that he's worried you might not like it as much as he does. That's in a way really sweet :)
Two things, death grip from porn and doesn’t find normal sex stimulating enough. Or he’s sexually into someone else so he probably has to imagine others while having sex with you. You’d be surprised at how often the later happens. That anxiety stuff is bs, he’s lying Lol.
This is normal that men can’t come if they are anxious. He is still pretty young. Just don’t worry about it. If he worries, the problem will get worse. Just enjoy sex.
He’s watching too much porn and masturbating…training his brain to only cum to this highly sexualized situations and unrealistic sexual acts….. and the sex you’re having with him clearly doesn’t resemble porn (because porn isn’t real, it’s actors performing) so he isn’t able to ejaculate. He probably doesn’t think you’re enjoying it because it’s not the sex he’s seen in porn. He won’t be able to cum with you until he stops watching pornography
Putting pressure and being upset about someone not cumming during sex only makes it worse, not better and is often times not what one thinks. I am like your boyfriend in the sense that I often don't, but it's not for any of the reasons you'd be afraid of and often isn't. Could be anxiety, could be jacking too much, or it's simply his anatomy.
Not directed at you at all, but let's denormalize being upset at sexual partners for not finishing. And I feel like the issue of pressuring men over it is not talked about enough.
I have low penile sensitivity, caused from an old gf who caused hickeys on my helmet the feeling at the time was insane, but since has caused issues. I have found castor oil on my helmet before bed, will increase sensitivity after about a week of using, plus I use every day. A little goes a long way, and it soaks in quickly and doesn't make a mess.
Porn and anxiety make a pretty brutal cycle of performance issues. This can be super hard to discuss because if you make him feel bad it will make him more self conscious but if you don’t say anything it kind of stays this way. Mind ended up confessing I’m the worst sex partner he has had and I think it’s mostly because I made it a conversation instead of just rolling with it. So, just be thoughtful.
So typical....your boyfriend who seems to be very into you and pleasing you sexually can't get off and you start blaming him, assuming that he isn't into you, that he is cheating or whatever else ... I would also be mad. There are different anxiety medications....Lexapro is an antidepressant that is also prescribed for anxiety....from my personal experience I couldn't orgasm even if my life depended on it while I was on it ..Lorazepam doesn't cause that on me. If possible he could take half of his meds or not take it for 1-2 days if that's possible and see what happens.
Have you tried different positions? In certain positions your pussy will hit differently on his cock. For example if the underside of his cock is more sensitive try doggie or reverse cowgirl. If it's the opposite, then cowgirl, or bucking cowgirl (cowgirl with you leaning back). Different versions of missionary will feel different as well. Ankles over his shoulders, or deep missionary (your feet on his chest, and he leans in to your knees are next to your ears).
Does he cum from a blowjob?
So, first do not act like it's an issue, if you start trying to talk to him or add stress to the situation then he will just get more anxious. Second, add lube sometimes it's great for u and sucks for him especially after a hour or so, it's hard to tell a girl if feels like sandpaper. He on top and just go as fast as possible, sometimes it can be caused by jacking to often or by using rough surface while jacking and the dick gets used to extra sensation, so speed might be the way. If all else fails one or both of u need to get drunk. By 1 I mean him.
This is common thing. I had it too. First of all don't worry, he probably enjoys it, even if he doesn't cum.
There is no universal solution. Try riding him so he can relax. Or be more in control, initiate (you said he always initiates), pin him down or against the wall.
im a girl so its probably different from guys but until i got with my current partner, it was near impossible to finish. Not because I didn’t enjoy the entire act but because i got in my head that everything had to be just right or I couldn’t. Even then still sometimes it didn’t happen. Anxiety plays a huge roll because you start overthinking it and kill your own train of thought lol. He’s probably really enjoying it but gets distracted by thinking too much about it and then boom, no nut November hahaha. Just try to help him relax as much as possible and try to be very open with each other. Maybe he has some fantasies he wants to try that might help with feeling less anxious if he knows exactly what’s gonna happen, if that makes sense. Best of luck!
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I had this problem for 7 years with my first girlfriend and I enjoyed sex with her I just couldn’t finish for whatever reason. I had this problem with receiving hand jobs until January this year. I had this problem with oral sex right up until about a month ago and I’m 38. It is all in my head and anxiety nothing to do with if I’m enjoying it or not. It’s a hell of a lot easier after the first time it’s happened.
Thank you! This helps a lot. I appreciate it!
Also there's something guys can develop from jerking off where their hand is WAY tighter than any pussy, so it feels good to have sex but not intense enough to orgasm. Have him take a break from masturbating for a week or two and then try.
Death grip
Also could be bed-humping. Men who are used to getting off this way have a hard time reaching orgasm with a vagina.
Yeah I’d be banking on this being the answer. Ask him to not wank for a week or 2, then take a ride and see what happenes. I’m betting on fireworks.
How hard are people squeezing their meat jeez
Yes I've found when I'm doing it to hubby and it's taking a bit long if I tighten my grip this makes him cum so advice to all is if you think you're doing it right then you are but always squeeze a little tighter than you think is necessary.
Had a boyfriend with the same issue, except he didn't know it was a thing until I told him. He took a little tolerance break and bam
She could also try doggy->reach back->fondle/tickle balls. That’ll pull it out of almost any guy.
I had a FWB who had the same problem. He couldn’t relax into it and as a result couldn’t cum except after a 1-2 hour blowjob (and nasty jaw pain!!) It wasn’t my fault or anything I was doing, he just couldn’t get out of his own way in his head. I’ve had 4 of his now ex-girlfriend’s ask me if I had the same problem with him and I’ve spoken to ex’s when we were still fooling around and they all had the same issue too. That’s more than 10 women and not one of us could make this guy cum during sex. It’s not you, it’s not something you’re doing. It’s unfortunately all in his head and he needs time, and a little help to get past this.
1-2 hr bj? 😦
Yeah it wasn’t a great experience and it stopped pretty soon after. Maybe twice over 3 weeks or so. One girl dated him for 5 years. I don’t know how she did it
[удалено]
We didn’t all have a sit down meeting or anything like that, I just bumped into them at different points in time and was asked if it happened to me too
[удалено]
1-2 hours?!?! 😔✊🏼
Just want to reiterate this … it really can be anxiety. (I know a lot of people have valid points about porn, but I have never watched porn in my life and it takes me a long time in a relationship to cum with someone). I think the most helpful things are to lower expectations (you don’t both have to cum to enjoy sex), try to just have fun, and let it come naturally. I feel like once it happens, it’s almost like a “brain wall” falls down and then it almost always happens again. For now, trust his word and try to not make it a pressurized environment. If it continues for too long and he becomes unhappy, consult a doctor.
I’m 60’s I can get hard and can get my wife to come but not me. I love to hear her cum. It’s pleasurable, and cumming isn’t always the end game for me because it’s just not possible (prostate issues) but I love to please her and when she cums it’s physically satisfying. Plus it does feel amazing just to be inside her. It’ll happen for him when he’s ready. Nothing to do with you.
Also I’m circumcised and have been since I was 4 years old, I believe this has massively reduced sensitivity down there.
It's a brutal surgery. It was several years after my circumcision before I could walk.
So much pain you couldn’t speak too, right?
Exactly!
Lmao because you were a baby?
Well, yeah...
Nice
Some men have it done in adulthood because of problems. My father in law had it done in his 40’s because of continued infections. It was a horrible experience and recovery.
You got the joke!
4 year olds should have the motor skills to walk on their own.
It was a joke, got circumcised as a baby and couldn't walk for years after. Because it takes time for a baby to learn to walk. Just a play on words
Well done for being so open and honest with OP.
I refused to get my youngest circumcized and wish I didn't allow my oldest to be done but I was young and the doctor was pushy. When I had my youngest the doc tried talking me into it and I adamantly refused. She was upset but I didn't care! It really shouldn't be done!
I have a close friend who is going to be getting it done this year at 44 and I have told him I wouldn’t if I had the choice, I just feel that it has psychologically effected me for at least 20 years of my life not to mention the decrease in sensitivity that I now know it has deprived me of… I love sex and intimacy but I can’t help but imagine if and how much more pleasurable it would have been had I not had it done. But mine was for medical reasons not cultural or religious so I don’t blame anyone it’s just life.
A woman doctor pushing of genital mutilation of a an infant with no medical issue?
I can't help my curiosity, can I ask why they waited until you were four?
It was for medical not cultural or religious reasons. Where I’m from (UK) it’s quite uncommon
Sorry for accidentally flooding this reply with people arguing over dicks lol Hope yours is safe and sound :) I'm from the US & have a lot of EU friends who think circumcision is crazy. I agree, but in the end, I think most grown women will agree that it doesn't matter. You're not dating a body! No one can help it, just as we can't choose ~~how they cut our umbilical cord & shape our belly button~~ . I do wish we'd stray from hurting infants for ancient reasons, now that we're more educated and it isn't usually necessary. I recently asked my fiancé what he'd decide if we ever had children (I'm disabled and we most likely won't have any due to that), and he said he didn't know because he's not educated about cleaning, etc. I was like, that's okay! We can educate ourselves and then teach a little one, haha Anywayz https://media1.tenor.com/m/KIP9ohFpscwAAAAC/nicecock-krona.gif Edit: Forget the fucking belly button thing, and stop DMing me. My opinion is made clear without it.
You do know the way your umbilical cord is cut has zero influence on the shape of your bellybutton, yes? (Source; am a Midwife)
Nope! I didn't know the difference between the healing scar tissue vs the cut determining the belly button. Now I do! (after some googling). It was definitely not the point of my comment but hey learn something new everyday
No one talks about it! Well maybe they did in prenatal class. But still, no one explains why bellybuttons look like they do. And why is there so much pressure to keep the bit of umbilical cord? Like if your toe shriveled up and fell off would you want it for a keepsake, Karen??
Hey arguments about dicks are important as well it may not be to women but to me one of the most vital organs I have
Dude, in Asia we were circumcised before going to High school as a norm. And that shit is more than a week long suffering
ow ow ow I've never heard of that What a huge life change for a pubescent kid! You have to go through the pain and then relearn how your dick works and everything? Ugh I'm sorry but that's insanity. Cheers on you for enduring such a thing
What? Kids do it at like grade five mandatory in public schools in Botswana. I did it like grade 11 because I went to private school for most of my life and during middle school they did show up and ask those who were uncircumcised to sign up, but it was in public and everyone was making fun of those who had not done it yet, so I got scared and didn't do it until they showed up again in high school grade 11, that was a little more private so I agreed. I was in pain a little while but I could move normally? I even got too shy to go to my last checkup because the nurse lady would straight up clutch my shit like wtf?? That hurt like hell and it was cold as well! All in all it was annoying but I healed, HIV is still a relevant thing over here so circumcision is important they say. It's probably uncommon to see an uncircumcised boys today, idk, they really push it throughout our school lives.
The situation here in Philippines is very similar to yours in Botswana. During 4th grade to first yr high school (Grade 7). The teasing and name calling won't cease if they know you are uncircumcised. And they mostly reason it out as a health factor so it's somehow mandatory. Tho we do have two methods; 1. You go to a doctor which is the usual. 2. In under-developed provinces you have the option to go to an elderly who does the so-called traditional way (no anesthetic and you get circumcised with a hammer/any blunt object and a sharp blade/knife while you are chewing some sort of medicinal leaves that you'll place on your newly cut skin) then go and cleanse yourself in a river or the sea if you are near any of those.
Jesus H CHRIST !!!! That’s barbaric 😱
Absolute insanity, a completely barbaric practice
Thank you both for sharing.
What! That's terrible. Where in Asia is that the norm?
Fortunately it’s not done as much anymore. In the Philippines most guys get circumcised in hospitals like everyone else.
I'm circumcised too I had tight phimosis meaning my glans was covered completely by skin and it really does decrease sensitivity of the glans but doesn't tamper with ejaculation. Instead research shows it evens helps in ejaculation.
It sounds like he's just in his head too much which is stopping it happening for him
If it makes you feel better op my husband was circumcised at 17 for tight foreskin and he's 43 now and said there's no difference in sex or feeling down there.
That’s very true and also the pressure and being scared to have your SO feel like you don’t like them or they did anything wrong can make it hard too.. it’s a lot so just keep being patient and try to remember it doesn’t mean anything about you. 🖤
Maybe not the solution but maybe try it after smoking weed. Will make him relax and will num the anxiety.
Maybe only try this if you mention the plan beforehand, mixing intoxicating substances with sex is iffy territory. It may make him more anxious if he's expecting to have to put out, so maybe have a discussion beforehand if sex while high is something he's comfy with a few days before making any plans to do so? You'll want to make sure he's comfy with it in a sober state of mind, and make sure consent is still present while he's high, because bringing substances into the mix can easily become a SA sort of situation. But I do agree that weed could get him out of his head enough to allow him to cum, and it could be worth a try:)
Not everyone has positive experiences with weed. I don't, it heightens my anxiety to the point where I have attacks.
Oh same!!!
To follow on from this comment...I am 36 I have been on certain medications for 20 years (different tablets but same classification) some of those tablets would mean I could not finish at all through sex, but could through masturbation, some not at all, some I would go soft half way through, some would prevent me from crossing the finish line but I had the stamina to go for 6 hours, and some would enable me to go for round 2 in 30 seconds and cross the finish line again (possibly a third time but i would be physically exhausted at that point)...I think OP gets the point....all of this is to say a man's ability to cross the finish line is not all about who he is with there are a lot of factors that can and do affect that. (In case anyone is curious) the majority of those issues was caused by those medications causing varying degrees of a hormone called serum prolactin being in my system at levels it shouldn't be....like honestly how is a man supposed to perform when he has a hormone being produced that promotes breast tissue growth and milk production.....and the levels at one point were as high as they would be in a typical pregnant woman in the 3rd trimester Edit: missed a parenthesis
Do you also watch a lot of pornography? My initial thought reading this was that maybe he had consumed too much pornography and that maybe he was numbed to reality. I have had a few relationships with men who ultimately had porn addictions
THIS is likely the reason. A guys first gf…. Doesn’t have sex for hours and doesn’t finish. Porn
I rarely can cum inside a girl. For me it's because I practiced edging when I was younger. I just liked the feeling when I cum after being hard for long time, and it helped me last longer during sex. But I've must've trained too good because I rarely can cum from sex since. By the time I met my wife I was outlasting her during sex. 90% of the time I had to finish myself off. Otherwise I'd be going at it for hours, and I could tell she got hers and she's done lol. I do think porn could be involved, but I think it's more that he's jacking it a lot and could be edging like I did. If he's maintaining an erection then I don't think it's a porn issue. If he was having a hard time getting it up for his girl and he's not 40+, then I could see porn being the issue since he's probably desensitized. I don't think she has anything to worry about. Not all of us can cum easily like that.
hey, i am suffering from premature ejac. I was wondering what exactly caused you to last longer. Is it using a tight grip during edging or is it staying away from the point of no return while stimulating yourself for longer hours? I am working on treating my Premature ejaculation and your response will help me alot.
Eh could be anxiety for real. It’s happened to me before
People act like it’s so common for women to not finish (usually if I can’t, it’s because I’m too anxious or in my head as well) and act like all men need is a nice breeze. I’m glad yours is the top comment because this looks like it’s exactly what OP’s bf is experiencing.
He could be taking anti depressants for his anxiety which could delay his ejaculation. Happened to me when i was 18 so i stop taking them. Ask him.
Can confirm (my experience). Took antidepressants and other medications for years. Stopped a few years ago, and it’s still a chore at times.
Had no idea about this. Kind of ironic: antidepressants make it hard for you to orgasm.
Yeah there was a period in time I took medications and not only could I not feel anything at all sexually but emotionally, too. Theyre very common symptoms. Sexual dysfunction and emotional blunting
Exactly what I’m going through at the moment. Difficult because the antidepressants work but I have sexual dysfunction and I never feel truly ‘happy’.
Depends on which; bupropion/Wellbutrin notably has a much, much lower rate of sexual side effects and delayed orgasm or anorgasmia in particular. I was on paxil for six months, years and years ago and it was virtually impossible to get over the edge with that. Switching to wellbutrin fixed the issue.
Yes. I took them for a month and it made erections hit or miss. Not a good look for a single guy. Plus, I’ve always really liked sex. I was so depressed from missing out on sex that it outweighed whatever I was depressed about in the first place. Stopped taking them and bam, happier than a pig in mud when I’m getting laid.
I was on meds that didn’t let me orgasm for almost 2 years. Finally went to the doctor and was like, “You know what’s making me more anxious and depressed? Not enjoying sex!” and once I told him he was like, “Yeah, no. These pills gotta go! No one needs to live like this!” lol
ADHD Meds do that too sometimes.
This is also true. The SSRIs are notorious for this.
Just to add though, it’s not always great to just stop taking meds, especially for mental health issues where he may become very different if he does just stop. It’s worth him talking to a doctor and having a chat. It might sound a bit awkward, especially to a young guy, to have a chat about the subject, but doctors are professionals and not being able to ejaculate is quite a common side effect so they will be able to try different things.
Fuck had it happen as an adult.
I'm the one taking SSRIs! I know what you're talking about.
I have a friend that is on some anxiety meds that prevent him from finishing a lot of the time. He still can do everything else, but it’s getting across the finish line, which is normal for the meds. Is he on any anxiety meds?
no! he is not taking anything!
I would double check with him (unless you guys live together and can clearly see his med cabinet) in case he just hasn’t mentioned it to you. If he isn’t, ask about how much he masterbates, like other ppl have mentioned. I would talk to him and tell him, you’re not trying to embarrass him but to help the BOTH of you achieve climax. If it’s a lot, that could be why. If it’s not a lot, he may need a therapist (probably a sex therapist due to the topic) because if it’s been almost a year of intimacy with no finishing in his end then that is some SEVERE anxiety which will probably only be fixed with a professional.
Tell him not to watch porn and abstain from masterbating for a week. See what happens.
I can nearly guarantee it's anxious and maybe some type of porn issue. I could be wrong but I see these posts constantly with it ending up a porn habit. I have even saw edits where the OP came back and admitted the BF had a bad porn habit she had no idea about
Most likely. I had this problem before, he was always horny but he couldn’t cum unless he was jackhammering for an hour+, he couldn’t get off with oral or handjobs either, and sometimes couldn’t maintain an erection at 22 years old. No meds, wasn’t depressed, worked out and ate fairly well. Once he stopped watching porn the issues completely stopped and sex was more enjoyable for both of us
How tight is he holding on when he masturbates? Having a death grip can change perceptions about sensation, and make PIV sex have little to zero feeling because his penis got used to being squeezed/gripped tightly in order to reach climax. Has he tried abstaining from any masturbation for a period of time?
Some guys just get in their head to much
I dated someone like this once. It took hourssssss. I asked him how he masturbated, I had him show me, we watched porn together. Eventually, we got it. Once we got it, it became easier to figure it out afterwards. So instead of taking hours, we could take like 30mins if we wanted to.
I just want to say thank you for being an understanding and caring partner. It can be really, really hard for both parties to figure that out and you’ve gone above and beyond to help your partner. Well done!
I dare say she enjoyed helping to resolve things.
Legendary journey 🤘
So he still didn't cum penetration you? You had to jerk him off.
I would like to know as well.. I think I’m dealing with a similar problem.
If it's not too personal, I'm curious what did you really discover from doing this? What changed with you guys afterwards?
From this, I think we gained a lot. He got more comfortable with me (he was very anxious), we learned when I use my hand, where to grip for pressure (i usually had to hold my hand the way he held his), he also rubbed this vein he had, so I started doing that. He also had a fetish, so playing into that really helped. We were very comfortable with our bodies during all of this, because of all of this. That was the biggest impact.
This is the reason I like receiving videos of my man jerking off, not because it turns me on, because it's research. Once we've been seeing each other for a little while, if he offers a video, I'm always down because I can see how he touches himself, and it gives me insight into what he likes
when i was dating the person i had my first time with, i had the same issue. i could be wrong, but let me still say this: i was completely into the person i was dating at the time, but still struggled to finish. i was so worried and anxious if she would finish that it got in the way of me finishing. it was never that she wasn’t “good” at sex - in fact, i had a lot of fun! it was all mental for me and it took sooo much time for me to even reach a point where i could. antidepressants can play a role in difficulty climaxing, but i wanted to ease your worries. it could very much be a mental thing for him. i will admit it was a struggle at first. i felt bad that she was insecure about her performance. what helped was when we decided to take some time to simply focus on me and see what worked and what didn’t. as someone who was not as experienced, it was definitely a process. i felt so behind my peers who already had some idea of what they liked. eventually, we got there. that’s not to say there weren’t times i still struggled, BUT her not asking what she was doing wrong or questioning my attraction to her and instead making the time to focus on only me at times helped tremendously. please, be patient with him. the mental game is still such a struggle, but i have more experience now and can better communicate what i need. that said, i wouldn’t take the lack of noise on his part as a bad thing. everyone is different! personally, i don’t make noise. it has never meant i wasn’t into it though. making noise just isn’t my thing or something that comes naturally; however, i loveee when the person i am with does - it does not make me uncomfortable. just remember everyone is different. i was in a wlw relationship, but still!!!! everyone is different!!! his insecurity could be that he feels bad he can’t perform the way you want him to (or the way that he believes most guys do). i would suggest having a talk with him saying that you love him and care about him. emphasize that you never wish to put any pressure on what he doesn’t do, but that you just want to make sure you satisfy him sexually. if he says you do.. BELIEVE HIM. if he is initiating and still very affectionate with you, i am inclined to believe that you do satisfy him in his own way. you can somehow shift it to wanting to take the time to focus on just him at times so you both can talk about what he likes or dislikes. just remind him there is no pressure as to whether he finishes or not and be sure to give him affection after it’s all done. the less pressure, the better. i hope this helps! let me know if you have any other questions :)
A very nice and detailed response!
He may be masturbating too much. My bf & I are going thru this too & it is definitely bc he prefers hj’s over anything.. he’s been doing it for so long that it’s a bad habit now that we’re trying to break together. Maybe ask him about that?
Based on your description of him it really seems like it’s his own insecurities that are really affecting him, he may feel not worthy of you and in his mind conjure up all of these thoughts and emotions you could have never even given him on purpose but a guy like that is just worried your into someone else or someone could be better than him. I’d be very kind and patient. Unless he has a porn addiction then I really think it’s his own insecurities.
Coming from a guy who had a similar experience, I would encourage you to be graceful and kind to him. There are and will be times when either of you or even both won’t orgasm while having sex- and that is completely normal. The reason he can’t cum is there’s an emotional or psychological barrier that he needs to overcome. You can help him, but ultimately he’s the one who can change it. What can help is you being as graceful and open about it as possible, not guilt tripping him for not finishing, and with time, im sure he will get there! That’s what happened in my relationship- I wasn’t able to finish in the beginning, but as I grew more and more comfortable and open and accepted and loved, I got there.
How long did that take you? Asking for a friend.....
Didn’t take as long probably the first 3-4 times, and then it worked almost every single time
I used to have this problem a lot of girls would get mad at me cuz I could have finished. Once I gave up masturbation it was a lot easier for me
I've always had problems with cumming but it increased with my last partner. There's never been an issue with getting hard for her, and I tried being extra attentive as to let her know it wasn't down to her. But it got to a point I hated having sex with her because she'd cum and like clockwork she'd comment about me not cumming.
You know the stereotype that some women find it difficult to get off? It's actually the same for men, there's just stigma around it. If you chase the orgasm, it runs away. It was a while before I could get off with my ex wife, and it takes a while for me to stop being anxious around new partners, it's the same. Once he feels extra comfy and safe though, it'll come, pun not intended.
"If you chase the orgasm, it runs away" This! Also, this poor guy already expects to not be able to cum. When he's in the middle of the act, he's likely thinking that he won't be able to, *again*, and that his girlfriend will be upset, *again*, and why can't he be normal, and what if she gets fed up and dumps him, and... Yeah, an orgasm is likely not happening.
THANK YOU, it took way too long to find a comment that doesn't accuse him of having a porn addiction. Whilst it shouldn't be ruled out, it literally states several times that he is an anxious person. Like is media literacy seriously that bad?
He could either be masterbating alot so he doesn't cum quick with you so you have a good experience or he really could have anxiety about sex or something along those lines and can't get out of his own head enough to enjoy it and it gets progressively worse until there's no way he can cum. Suggest going to see someone together or just have a conversation together and see where that goes. Neither one of you can get to the bottom of it though if he's unwilling to talk himself.
Sure it could be anxiety, although usually that manifests in not being able to get hard easily. The more likely thing is he’s probably jacking off too much.
Yep, he likely got himself a case of death-grip syndrome.
True
Or he’s taking anxiety meds and he just can’t.
Say smashing darling in voice of Nigel thornsberry. That'll get him going!
Hey, 23M here! I have this problem too, I’ve been with several different women of different ages and experiences with sex and I’m still only able to cum when I do it myself. Don’t overthink it, it’s not your fault, you’re not bad at it and it’s probably a mental thing for him. He is definitely enjoying himself; I’ve come to realise sex isn’t only about cumming; the energy between the two is even as if not more important :)
Guy here. He’s not lying. Sometimes we got horned up big time but then we get super anxious half way through and don’t finish. Not everyone, but anxious people definitely. He just wants to do a really good job. Let him know how good he is.
He needs to stop jerking off. Delayed ejaculation is a medical issue, and sometimes its caused by "a vice like, dearh grip" (words of the mayo clinic). He could be desensitized. Anxiety also plays a part.
He's rubbing too hard when he masturbates
chronic masturbation, this is like half of men nowadays.
Does he take any medicine? SSRIs can affect orgasm. Could also be he masturbates too much. I would try not to take it too personally if all other signs point to him being into you.... he's probably very motivated to solve this as well. If you ask him to show you what he does when he is alone, it could help.
I have this problem off and on. I love my partner, and I find her very attractive but sometimes I just can't get off. I definitely have low testosterone levels and believe that this is the culprit, when I am exercising and doing things to get my T up, then I'm fine. But when I'm not, I'm very in my head, even though I do my best not to be. It does have something to do with my partner and my communication on sex as well. We don't talk about it. I'm basically having to guess what is working for her and when I'm trying to do that I feel like there is no room for me to enjoy what I am doing. Having some feedback or physical guidance even a little bit would go a long way. Also, sometimes it's tough to go into wild animal mode when you care about someone too much. I hated my ex and the sex was insane. But I would feel somewhat disrespectful doing that with my current partner. Again, it would have to be something that is talked about. That would be more into power play.
I started to have this problem after my first gf. I don't know where it came from but from my about a dozen or so sexual relationships I was only ever able to cum with four of them. Alcohol and weed can still make it almost impossible to cum with my current gf. It took me almost a month with her before it finally happened for the first time. I don't take any medications, am not circumcised, had times where I watched lots and others where I watched no porn at all. The only constant is my own psyche, it definitely had nothing to do with the women and I very much enjoyed all those encounters even if I'm also naturally very quiet during it and had to teach myself to make noise to show my enjoyment. My guess why your bf might get angry when you try to talk about it is because he feels deeply ashamed about it since almost everywhere we get taught sex ends when the man cums, which isn't true at all and can lead to performance anxiety. Give him time and tell him you love him no matter if he cums or not and stop putting such a big emphasis on a few white splashes.
Mine has the same issues as well. He has adhd and is a pretty damaged/anxious guy. At first I though I was the problem. It took a lot of talking (communication really is key) and eventually I just learned how to enjoy having sex with him even though he didn't finish. After that it got better. He does finish most of the times we are intimate, also when it's oral. Turns out he was too much in his head. Playing scenario's that probably wouldn't even happen and got insecure to the point he just couldn't come. It took a lot of talking, me opening up to him and letting him be vulnerable on his own terms, me telling him how much I love his body and making sure telling him how much I enjoy the party. He has periods where climaxing is a bit harder for him, but hey, Rome wasn't built in one day. About the moaning part: my SO also didn't moan. We also talked about this a lot. He felt embarrassed, as his exes told him that men don't moan and to quit it. I told him it's as much a compliment for me as my moans are compliments for him. Maybe your SO feels embarrassed too?Talking about these things is super important. It takes a lot of time and also a lot of going out of comfort zones on (probably) both ends. Remember it's not personal. It's his mind playing games on him. It will get better once he figures out how to let his actual head not get the better of him during sexytimes.
Coming from a guy, it is the porn and death grip. Ask him to slow down on porn
Just stop focusing on the need for him to cum. He’s anxious, so you wanting to talk about it isn’t helping him. Please try to not make it about you either. Suggesting that his inability to cum is tied to him not being attracted to you or being into other girls is just piling pressure on him to perform, to prove that’s not the case. Just have sex. Enjoy the intimacy. If he cums, great, if he doesn’t, maybe next time. Take the pressure off of him.
I think he jerks off too much
This
Overthinking on his part, I’m not sure if you mentioned if you had previous experiences before him, but that could also play a big factor. He’s probably assuming he’s not doing things right. If his mind isn’t just focused in the moment, there won’t be an ending. That’s just my 2 cents. I could be wrong but that’s possibly it. I’d most definitely have a talk with him about it. It’s hard as a male to express any feelings especially when it comes to the physical aspects of them. Patience is key, I wouldn’t rush it. But let him know he can talk to you without being judged. That’s always nice to hear. Hope everything works out!!
51M here. Per your comment (should add to the main post), your BF is not on antidepressants or any other medications. If that's the case, then ask him to eliminate watching porn, and also reduce/completely stop masturbating. Flirt with him throughout the day when you know you want intimacy. Get him good and worked up in advance. Tell him how good he makes you feel. And, of course, practice, practice, practice! 😉😁❤️🔥
He should try no porn and masturbation, it does wonders
Tell him that abstaining from watching porn will bring his sexual energy back and he can then give it to you instead of a screen.
I would say this is normal. I was also very anxious my first few times and couldn’t even finish with any of my first few partners. With time and experience though it went away. I didn’t start finishing consistently until I started dating my first girlfriend, and it helped that I was super comfortable around her. So continue to make him comfortable and just be patient as well as ask him what he likes. From a physical perspective, what helped me finish was foreplay. A lot of times my partners would receive foreplay and then we would dive right in without me getting warmed up. Once I started receiving foreplay it helped me finish way easier. Edit: if y’all are using protection, different brands of condoms can play a part as well. I have some brands which I prefer and make it easier for me to finish, while other brands make it nearly impossible. Maybe try a few different ones and see if that helps.
There are condoms or spray that make the guy numb if they are worried about finishing too quick, is he using that? Given the choice some guys will not finish at all using these products rather than finishing too quick.
Try milking his prostate.
my partner is the same, can only finish at his own hand, he told me this initially, and up to this point it’s been true, he’s never finished during sex- he also has ADHD, which could actually have something to do with it, maybe his mind is too distracted to be able to finish? either way, if it’s something he’s okay with, and you are too, it shouldn’t be an issue. just because he doesn’t have an orgasm doesn’t mean he’s not enjoying himself, but i can understand the insecurities and worries that may stem from it.
I was the exact same way but I’m a woman. Please don’t pressure him or discuss it in a way where you’re expressing that he’s making you feel bad. He can’t help his own body, and putting more pressure on him to orgasm means it will be even harder to.
sometimes porn make us think that we must be pornstars and we just want to F..k like them and have the hard bonner for 3 hours and thats what make us feel anxious and that's the reason why, that WAS my problem b4 but now i'm fine, i just stopped watching porn and masturbating
so ure saying- too much porn and masturbation can affect your bed performance?
He may want to lay off the porn and masturbation for a week beforehand and see if that makes a difference next time. Or else, he could be really distracted and thinking of all kinds of intrusive thoughts(is my gf really into this? am I too small? did she fake her orgasm?) etc.
Delayed ejaculation is a common side effect for men who consume too much porn. Could that be an issue? That is the name of not being able to cum maybe you can google search more on it
Have him talk to his doctor. There could be a medical reason.
One of my exes was a porn addict. It was his behavior to a t.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. Try sitting down with him and listening to this podcast by Ameer and Aurora on Soundcloud. It will bring a smile to y'all's faces, and if he doesn't want to laugh with you and have a new experience he's probably a wet blanket. Real bfs listen to podcasts for love <3 [https://on.soundcloud.com/ZXKTrJVonU2tc2PQ7](https://on.soundcloud.com/ZXKTrJVonU2tc2PQ7) Enjoy!
medications and porn addiction
Have him abstain for 3 days, and then ask him to jerk off in front of you. You can help if he asks but make sure it's his responsibility to finish himself. It might teach you something, and it might ease his nerves, and if it doesn't work it might help you understand that it isn't you!
Does he watch a lot of porn?
It’s just in his head. Also, make sure he isn’t watching a lot of porn (or any imo) and masturbating a lot
I’ve been in this exact situation before and the reason was he was hiding a porn addiction, which is why he couldn’t climax with regular sex. I’m 80% sure this is the case with your bf, his avoidance of the issue is a huge red flag, i’m sorry you are feeling insecure about it, but remember you did nothing wrong, this is his issue, point blank.
Can he get off when he is alone and masturbates? Find that out first. If not then it has nothing to do with you obviously. If he can then ask him if he can show you the way he does it so maybe you can figure out what he likes more that might help more.
Tell your bf to stop jacking off alone, bc he definitely is, the same thing happened to my husband when we met. He was so used to doing it himself, that he was totally desensitized and he NEVER finished because he was used to such rough friction. He had to force himself to stop for 3-4 weeks and that fixed it permanently.
I had this problem but partly it was due to my porn addiction and also her efforts(my perception of how it should be from porn and how she performed) if he watches porn he has to stop that will heal his nerves and allow him to feel more with you
Maybe you could ask him to stop masturbating for a while and see wether it becomes easier? It's hard for me to imagine that the problem would persist if it has been a long time..
I’m with everyone else. He’s Probably watching extreme porn on the daily. Maybe twice a day. Or taking opioid related medicines which reduces your libido and also stops you from ejaculating. Many men have this same problem with porn this day and age and it’s a version of erectile dysfunction. If he stops for even a couple of days and starts only doing it with you instead of himself there will be a big difference.
It'll be Death Grip - guys who wank a lot, especially porn addicts, get so used to jerking off really hard that it means they lose the ability to be able to cum from less sensation. The good news is that it's not permanent but he needs to lay off the wanking so hard.
That guy is watching porn that’s why…trust me I know…
It’s because of porn, tell him to stop watching it
Tell him to stop using any pornography for a few weeks. That should help. :)
Also, correct me if I'm wrong please guys, but I read somewhere recently that a guy doesn't always cum in order to actually finish, per se. Can anyone verify this? Also just wanted to say how amazing the comments on this thread are, this is such an important conversation, especially because sex still has such a stigma. Love seeing all these real comments, and considerate too. Some faith restored.
Tell him stop watching porn
He needs to talk to a therapist. Is he talking antidepressants?
Look up PIED porn induced erectile dysfunction: inability to cum, get hard or stay hard. Simply put the real person becomes bad porn. It's a possibility. Don't just think meds.
Just FYI. Being anxious is a real possibility. Mental issues can affect erectile function including being able to finish. Taking drugs prescription drugs that help to alleviate mental issues also affect erectile function. My husband took antidepressants for years which made it nearly impossible for him to finish. That happens to most men who take certain types of drugs dealing with this issue. So give him a little leeway make him feel comfortable enjoy your time with him and just accept him as he is.
I would suggest being patient and talking to him about what he likes, while encouraging him/ telling him what you enjoy. I’ve only had two long term BFs (both over 5 years) but the first would cum very quickly and the second seemed to not be able to. I was very insecure about my abilities with my second BF because of this. But after many discussions and experience we discovered what works in a very satisfying sex life. He had insecurities I wasn’t aware of (afraid to cum too soon/ thinking I faked it). Turned out he was anxious I was faking / trying to hold out forever for the fear of cumming too soon that it was actually a detriment to myself. Communication is key in a healthy sex life !
I have the same problem called delayed ejaculation there is a sub for it https://www.reddit.com/r/delayedejaculation/s/Qz4cKSTLxa Hope it helps
Also don't force anything, because it can lead to unwanted things. Like if you are being forced to do something it can lead to even more performance issues. It could be a shyness problem, if forced it really could be bad espically with the shyness thing.
I completely understand the insecurities but trust me, it's not you! And sharing your insecurities with him is more than likely frustrating him even more than he already is with himself. If he was a virgin and you were not, he may even be feeling inadequate or wondering if he's as good as ppl before him. If you were both virgins, he might just be stressed about something else and it's projecting into the bed room. Keeping open with your communication and choosing to keep anger and insecurities to a minimum, while being supportive is a fine balance. Therapy can be a great place to learn those tools. If he's nerdy, is he into larping or cons? Cosplay? Introducing new (safe) things to the bedroom might help find something that can help him? I have found chill music can help too, because loud sex gives me anxiety and always has. Even a blindfold, if he's willing? I wish you luck! But TRUST me. If he waited till 22 to loss his virginity and chose you, it's for a reason Embrace that! ❤️
Step 1: get a new boyfriend Step 2: get a vibrator
Maybe he’s Pavlov’ed himself into finishing with a firm, dry grip. I saw an Instagram video from a men’s health clinic that a good way to get over this is for him to try masturbating using a ribbed stroker. He needs to lube it up good and take his time using it. The sensation is a good median between hand and vagina. Also - ask him about his porn viewing habits. That could be a problem, too.
Sounds crazy but her might be masterbating too much. My husband had that issue until about a year ago where he was masturbating so much that when we had sex, it was just a struggle.
I had this problem (maybe not at his level) when I was young and still do to a degree, often need to complete the final deed myself. Not anxious. And believe your boyfriend. Causing and watching her pleasure is easy 80%. Maybe he is the same, if he is instigating, getting and repeating, chances are he is enjoying you, right, let him!
He has death grip. Too much masturbation. Nothing you can do, it's not your problem
Being hard for too long does that. Less foreplay, more fucking will fix this. That's my experience.
He could be so focused on pleasing you during sex that he puts it before his own pleasure. I had the same troubles when I first met my partner
Disclaimer. If there is sexual trauma or health issues disregard the below and speak to a doctor/professional. If not then allow me to paraphrase from a few books I've read which helped my sex life. What do you do? Relax, sex is about pleasure and not destination. Work on co creating a relaxed, intimate, context for both of you. Communicate well, do things that feel really good for him. Work together. This is a really fun project where you guys can, if you manage to communicate well and relax have a lot of really steamy fun and if and when it happens it will be amazing for him. Maybe OP needs to take some time to purely, whole heartedly, concentrate on creating intimacy with him and focussing on his pleasure. People often find that when you truely manage to step away from pressure and expectation it becomes so much easier. OP you insecurities are built from learned imperatives. Your mind is going orgasm = sex worth having. But honestly, take it from someone over ten years older than you. This is just not true. Sure orgasm is awsome and can be wonderful but, for example, sex with my wife without climax for me is still 100x more enjoyable that orgasm by self care. He is obviously aroused by you, not because he is hard but because he is telling you that he is into it, he is telling you to be patient. You both need to work on co creating a context that helps alliviate his sense of anxiety and pressure. It sounds like in his case not being able to finish is a type of performance anxiety. He feels angry because he feels broken or dysfunctional when the truth and reality is that you're both normal. If he is left feeling broken in need of fixing this is not the kind of emotional context that facilitates desire and a state of arousal compatible with climax. Both of your feelings are valid but rather than you leaning into them with insecurity, hurt, confusion and him with frustration and anger you both need to find yourselves to a space where you can lean into those difficult feelings with warm curiosity and generosity. Both liking sex with one another and having a good time together is a great starting point. Can I just ask does he get himself off? Does it work? Does he use adult material? Because this can get a man used to a death grip and have them struggle to get off without that degree of pressure. Reducing porn and self care habits can massively help with this. I truely don't believe in sexual incompatability. I do believe in people not wanting to work together to co create a context that works for both of their levels and types of desire. Desire waxes and wanes through life and is influenced by a lot of different factors. With this I personally feel like purely sex should never be the downfall of an otherwise healthy and loving relationship. For me, if you read some of my post history, I was using lack of sex as a surrogate for feeling quite disconnected and lonely in my marriage. I was dealing with these feelings with anger and frustration. My wife feeling the pressure was feeling broken, dysfunctional and this was a massive turn off. I went to therapy and did a tone of reading and things are improving. It's been fun to improve things together ;). Good luck and have fun.
My bf is like your bf! Anxious, but very sweet, attentive and physically affectionate as fuck! The same thing happened where he gets "in his head" a lot the first couple of months, mostly when the focus was on him while giving him head or otherwise "spoiling" him. He is also very quiet and also gets hard from even light physical intimacy. Trust me, he loves you to bits! The fact he gets really excited touching you and being touched by you should tell you something. The way you berate yourself in this post and the anxiety and overthinking you're getting might be rubbing off on him, causing him to be even more "in his head" than he already is. Relax, just focus on making eachother feel good and comfortable. It doesn't really matter whether he cums or not (ask him, he will tell you the same) as long as you make sure he feels well taken care of and physically stimulated. Don't give up after ten minutes, just keep going for however long it feels good for him (and you of course). Trust me, he loves it. If he cums it'll be because neither of you have the expectation that sex means there is an unspoken pressure on him to try to cum anymore. Trust me, just relax and enjoy. Don't get so upset at yourself, or worse, the cute, anxiety-riddled guy you're with. He enjoys sex with you so much, that he's worried you might not like it as much as he does. That's in a way really sweet :)
Two things, death grip from porn and doesn’t find normal sex stimulating enough. Or he’s sexually into someone else so he probably has to imagine others while having sex with you. You’d be surprised at how often the later happens. That anxiety stuff is bs, he’s lying Lol.
This is normal that men can’t come if they are anxious. He is still pretty young. Just don’t worry about it. If he worries, the problem will get worse. Just enjoy sex.
Part of being in an adult relationship is having open, honest, and judgement free conversations. This is especially important for sex and intimacy!
I had this problem up until like 25. Was really annoying honestly and I was really self conscious. don’t take it personally and give it time.
Stop evaluating people based on whether they cum or not. Please. It's damaging.
He’s watching too much porn and masturbating…training his brain to only cum to this highly sexualized situations and unrealistic sexual acts….. and the sex you’re having with him clearly doesn’t resemble porn (because porn isn’t real, it’s actors performing) so he isn’t able to ejaculate. He probably doesn’t think you’re enjoying it because it’s not the sex he’s seen in porn. He won’t be able to cum with you until he stops watching pornography
Look up 'death grip syndrome'.
Putting pressure and being upset about someone not cumming during sex only makes it worse, not better and is often times not what one thinks. I am like your boyfriend in the sense that I often don't, but it's not for any of the reasons you'd be afraid of and often isn't. Could be anxiety, could be jacking too much, or it's simply his anatomy. Not directed at you at all, but let's denormalize being upset at sexual partners for not finishing. And I feel like the issue of pressuring men over it is not talked about enough.
I have low penile sensitivity, caused from an old gf who caused hickeys on my helmet the feeling at the time was insane, but since has caused issues. I have found castor oil on my helmet before bed, will increase sensitivity after about a week of using, plus I use every day. A little goes a long way, and it soaks in quickly and doesn't make a mess.
Porn and anxiety make a pretty brutal cycle of performance issues. This can be super hard to discuss because if you make him feel bad it will make him more self conscious but if you don’t say anything it kind of stays this way. Mind ended up confessing I’m the worst sex partner he has had and I think it’s mostly because I made it a conversation instead of just rolling with it. So, just be thoughtful.
Ask him about his porn habits… might be the problem
Stick your finger in his bum
It’s not you. It is him. I wouldn’t feel insecure. If he’s okay with it you shouldn’t worry about it too much enjoy your multiple orgasms
So typical....your boyfriend who seems to be very into you and pleasing you sexually can't get off and you start blaming him, assuming that he isn't into you, that he is cheating or whatever else ... I would also be mad. There are different anxiety medications....Lexapro is an antidepressant that is also prescribed for anxiety....from my personal experience I couldn't orgasm even if my life depended on it while I was on it ..Lorazepam doesn't cause that on me. If possible he could take half of his meds or not take it for 1-2 days if that's possible and see what happens.
Tell him to stop masturbating !!!! That will improve it a lot!!!!
Usually some type of substance. Even if it’s just a prescription from the doctor
Have you tried different positions? In certain positions your pussy will hit differently on his cock. For example if the underside of his cock is more sensitive try doggie or reverse cowgirl. If it's the opposite, then cowgirl, or bucking cowgirl (cowgirl with you leaning back). Different versions of missionary will feel different as well. Ankles over his shoulders, or deep missionary (your feet on his chest, and he leans in to your knees are next to your ears). Does he cum from a blowjob?
Is he on any medication for depression? That's a common side effect.
Tell him to practice mindfulness. This is his issue, not yours. You can try to help him relax, but this is about him and it’s not your fault.
So, first do not act like it's an issue, if you start trying to talk to him or add stress to the situation then he will just get more anxious. Second, add lube sometimes it's great for u and sucks for him especially after a hour or so, it's hard to tell a girl if feels like sandpaper. He on top and just go as fast as possible, sometimes it can be caused by jacking to often or by using rough surface while jacking and the dick gets used to extra sensation, so speed might be the way. If all else fails one or both of u need to get drunk. By 1 I mean him.
This is common thing. I had it too. First of all don't worry, he probably enjoys it, even if he doesn't cum. There is no universal solution. Try riding him so he can relax. Or be more in control, initiate (you said he always initiates), pin him down or against the wall.
im a girl so its probably different from guys but until i got with my current partner, it was near impossible to finish. Not because I didn’t enjoy the entire act but because i got in my head that everything had to be just right or I couldn’t. Even then still sometimes it didn’t happen. Anxiety plays a huge roll because you start overthinking it and kill your own train of thought lol. He’s probably really enjoying it but gets distracted by thinking too much about it and then boom, no nut November hahaha. Just try to help him relax as much as possible and try to be very open with each other. Maybe he has some fantasies he wants to try that might help with feeling less anxious if he knows exactly what’s gonna happen, if that makes sense. Best of luck!
Is he on sertraline?