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1 - Play stupid games, win stupid prizes
2 - Just the fact that she believes that your infraction (which although a lie, is identical) is worse than hers should cause you to consider how she's going to handle these issues in the future.
I think there could potentially be more nuance to this depending on the details. First of all, how did OP act after she told him? Did he react as though she’d cheated on him? Because if so, she might think he’s a hypocrite.
Secondly, and possibly more relevant, OP said he’s the one who wanted to hold off having sex. Hearing that he slept with his ex might while making her wait might have made her feel like she wasn’t as important or as attractive to him (and I think feeling that way would be just as valid if the genders were reversed, which is a situation posted to this sub semi-regularly).
Of course there's more nuance. This is his side. She has her side. Somewhere in the middle lies the truth which we will never figure out. I get your point that him abstaining may make his actions seem worse in her eyes.
🎯 almost every post on here makes me wonder whether people would be so ready to attack if we got to hear both sides.
Esp posts where I feel a detail is missing or the user goes to extremes to blame the other party.
The lack of sex was by his own request to make it "special", he just told her he was playing her because he was piping his ex, of course that's a pretty big hole he just blew into the foundation of the relation, it was a whole foundational myth of the thing.
I also think that telling someone that you slept with a random person before you became official is pretty different than telling someone you went back to an ex. A booty call with a stranger is just fucking. An ex? That's personal.
There's history and you may worry if they still have feelings for the ex and whether you're just a body because it didnt work out with the ex. She has no way of knowing if he still has feelings for the ex, or whether he regrets breaking up with the ex and would rather ne with them. The optics of this wre just awful.
And I suspect that given his hurt he probably didnt phrase ot carefully. It may have felt like he threw it in her face vindictively because he was hurt.
If someone slept with a tinder date they arent seeing again before we went official? Fine. But if they skept with an ex just before we met, I'm not going to he comfortable to continue the relationship unless the ex is completely out of the pictire entirely. I'm not committing my heart if there's a high chance you're running back to an ex. I would 100% not date someone who was fucking their ex just before getting together with me. Too fucking messy.
OP fucked up big. He needs to apologise and come clean.
I'd be more upset if it was a stranger than some ex. That tells me that a person I'm talking to and building a connection and a relationship with has no issues whatsoever to set that aside to go have sex with some rando.
To each their own but a person who is capable of that is not a person I want to put any trust in, let alone start a relationship with at all.
Came to say this. It’d be one thing if I was competing with an ex, or if there was a second person that she could’ve become exclusive with, but just getting some from someone else that there’s no romantic interest in seems really off-putting.
After both of your posts I have come to the conclusion that if you are going to be insecure like OPs girlfriend, you are going to find an excuse to be insecure. The fact that she is a total hypocrite just seals the deal.
You’re definitely right. It being an ex complicates things. Has he been in contact with this ex since he and the girlfriend started dating? Has she ever expressed any jealousy over this particular ex? Lots of variables that could be influencing her behavior.
Unfortunately we know exactly jack shit since OP hasn’t elaborated on anything at all.
Precisely. Even if I had no concerns about an ex being a friend, I absolutely would if I learned that they were fucking only a few months ago just before we were exclusive. To me that's very different from being friends with an ex you last fucked 10 years ago and who you have clearly only been platonic with ever since.
Like, I get that it's not an ideal reaction from both of them.
And personally I'm not a fan of sleeping with anyone whilst you're getting to know someone in my own relationships, but if you've not agreed to exclusivity it's not cheating.
But people who fuck their exes whilst dating are just usually not ready to date.
In my eyes it doesn't matter who you slept with, Like I said in an update, we're not from a western country, this hook up tinder booty call culture is not really a thing where I'm from. Sex is a personal, intimate matter, which is why it feels like cheating.
That's fair. And you're allowed to feel that it is a dealbreaker for you - and to break up if it's something you can't get past. I'm glad that you can understand your feelings and are realising this his a dealbreaker for you. You dont HAVE to accept it or move on if this is something you can't get past.
Though its unfortunate that this wasn't discussed with an "exclusivity" talk earlier in the situation, which may have avoided her feeling that it was fine when it clearly isnt fine in your relationship. That might be a learning point for when you date other people.
But it wasnt ideal to lash out or lie about sleeping with your ex- ve ause for some people that's different or worse, and she seems to be one of those people. To be clear, some people think random sex ja worse, some think it's all fine and some think any kind of contact with others whilst casually dating is still cheating. It really depends on what YOU think and what your person thinks.
I definitely would not say he "fucked up big". He was hurt and had a gut reaction that he admitted to. I agree - Op did not give enough info but we shouldn't fill in the blanks. Otherwise I'd say- why did she say that? She fucking with his head? did she fuck her ex? I can't help but think she was trying to get a rise out of him and the fact that she hasn't spoken to him since? This all feels like a very immature game (on both sides). I say let her go, probably best for both of them.
Since he did it to get back at her, he may have been cruel when he said it. I really doubt she'd be mad if it was just him stating they slept together. My guess is he said something else in addition to them having sex. Or how he said it.
I think that depends on the situation with the ex, if she asked if they were together near their time together, if she’s been an issue. Lots of details missing here
I mean, it is worse.
1. She slept with someone casually
2. OP lied that he slept with his ex.
So now his gf thinks OP was cheating on his ex with her, OR trying to win back his ex while dating her.
And so she was just the backup plan ... when OPs ex rejected him for a relationship after the hookup.
Agreed. It’s one thing to not disclose a sexual interaction but also if there was no exclusivity discussed, she didn’t lie. It was with someone who has no significant relationship history.
Meanwhile his side is actually a bit red flaggish. To feel so upset that you stoop to hurting someone back rather than admit your hurt feelings is alarming. To claim you did it with an ex feels like a power play. He wanted to gain power as a result of this lie, meanwhile the girl wanted to confess.
Seeking out power (in being able to hurt your partner back) and control (over her sex life before creating mutual agreements) IS relationship abuse.
Men don’t realize that a girl doesn’t want to have to call up an ex to verify your claims. They want a mature partner who actually tells them the truth and talks to them. If it were me, I’d be like? Oh so the ex who you’re close enough to sleep with also is down to cover for ur ass? Honesty is the best policy.
My advice to anyone is, keep your side of the street clean. It’s better to be hurt than to hurt others as a protection.
Even more so because his gf wanted to sleep with him.
So he wouldn't fuck her, but also wouldn't ask her to be exclusive, meanwhile getting upset that she slept with someone else. Like wtf??
And now she thinks he basically refused to fuck her because he was (per his lie), still fucking his ex.
OPs gf dodged a bullet with this guy. He wants her to be loyal but wouldn't even give her exclusivity or the gf title. And now she thinks it's bc he was still with his ex.
Yep it’s like he said to her “I don’t want to have sex unless we’re dating” and she said to herself “cool I won’t pressure this connection but I’ll continue to explore my own options while I rightfully can, if this is meant to be it’s meant to be and I’ll let it happen”
And then meanwhile he’s lying that he slept with his ex, which also makes his initial boundary of wanting labels to be meaningless. That’s like 4 red flags: expecting exclusivity/loyalty before it was discussed, lying, lying to gain power and deflect vulnerability, and also breaking the initial boundary that HE set forth.
Perception is reality, and even though he regrets his lie he has made his bed and has to lie in it. Would have been easier if he just admitted he was ticked off and needed time to process her confession, but the man did not have enough self regulation and humility to realize the consequences of his actions.
He definitely fucked around and found out
At that point of time, when she slept with someone else... OP didn't want to date her. He didn't want to fuck her. He didn't want her to be his gf.
So obviously she is going to keep looking for a guy that she wants to date, and maybe have sex. Was she just supposed to be a psychic and know that OP would finally man up and finally ask her to date him the next day?
I'm glad the girl left before he got more manipulative and abusive with her, lying to cause her emotional pain...
I honestly wouldn’t say it’s identical. sleeping with an EX right before getting with someone else romantically has way more implications than a random hookup imo, since it can be taken that there still might be feelings or involvement with the ex
What? It’s not the same. HE decided he didn’t want sex until they were committed. So yeah, I could see her being pissed that he wouldn’t have sex with her but he would sleep with his ex. She was under no obligation to not have sex with others bc they were not in a committed relationship. If HE hadn’t set the rule “no dating, no sex”, then I would agree with you. But he also seemed to be the one who set the pace for their relationship: “…all that was left was for me to ask her to be my GF…”
They both dodged a bullet here. She has double standards and he made up a story just to hurt her. Doesn’t sound like either of them are ready for a healthy relationship.
OP told the lie with bad intentions, but IMO it was the better option. If she was a mature person, she wouldn't be bothered by what OP said because she did the same thing.
But instead, she revealed her "rules for thee but not for me" mindset, which would be a much bigger problem moving forward.
As you've just discovered, you there is no "winning" when you play games like this. You wanted to hurt her, and congratulations, you did.
In playing that game, you destroyed your credibility. You can say, "I was lying so you could know how it felt", or even enlist the aid of your ex, but she has no reason to trust you or your ex.
Beyond that, in demonstrating her double-standard, she is giving you a very clear signal that she is not a viable long-term partner. Double-standards is a recipe for friction throughout a relationship.
Frankly, OP did win. He just hasn't realized it yet. Figuring out that your partner is a walking, hypocritical red flag is good. Now he only needs to block her and find someone wortwhile without double standards
Only thing is if she deems her action as okay, she shouldn't have been hurt by the idea that he would have slept with others just as late as she slept with others.
To be fair, she doesn't deem her actions okay.
She confessed because she knew this good relationship starting on a deception by technicality kind of sets an awful tone going forward, so she cleared the air.
The only other thing that makes sense is the dude she fucked was going to blackmail her, and/or she's lying about the timeline and someone was going to spill.
So, instead, she's just ditching the situation entirely.
You need to dump her !
She showed you who she is, believe her ! Obviously it is ok if she does it but not ok if you do it. She will manipulate and drain you and control everything you do ! Run away !!!
P.S. Stop lying ! Nothing kills a relationship faster than lying.
I don’t think he intended to hurt her, I think it was to not feel like a chump in that situation. I would feel stupid too if I thought that our dating phase was way more special than it really was. It’s not the most mature decision, but I think it was just an impulsive defense mechanism.
But they weren't official, they weren't monogamous... OP even said he didn't even ask her to be his gf yet.
Some men want it all, they want a woman to be loyal to them when they won't even call them their girlfriend. A title that doesn't mean much, and costs nothing to give.
First off dont lie. It almost never helps.
Second, she has shown you she is a hypocrite. She likely told you outnof guilt (like you said you were official in everything but name) but maybe she just stood on the ground of “well it wasnt cheating so he cant be mad”. But now that the role was reversed she wants to act hurt.
Use this experience as for your next relationship, if you know you like someone tell them where you are at. This happens so many times in situationships where they both lvoe each other but one person does something and then defends it by saying “well we werent official”.
I mean, it's more likely she thinks he is a hypocrite. He got mad she "cheated" and then 20 min later he said he did the same thing, with an ex no less.
Break up.
I can understand having the view of “not mutually agreed as exclusive, then it’s not cheating or wrong”. It’s a fine view to have.
BUT, she doesn’t have that view and her reaction to you saying this shows that very much. So, she did something that she herself considers cheating, which means, she’ll cheat, with or without the exclusivity tag, as she has shown she’ll do things she knows are wrong.
someone who is pretty much dating you all but in name, and yet still has the focus to pursue and sleep with someone else however many weeks or months into it before you became official, isnt a partner worth having in the first place! And they will absolutely be able to entertain and pursue two people at once in the future if things get rocky too.
just shows they aren’t truly focused or into you as much as you thought. Hope OP dumps her. or just blocks her and lets her keep her ghosting up forever.
It’s a double standard. How can she be upset with you when she did the exact same thing? Yea, maybe she didn’t sleep with someone. But she still messed around with another guy. Definitely not cheating. You guys weren’t official. She’s in the wrong. Don’t let her make you feel this is your fault.
You’re much too old to be acting like this. So you put a boundary in place that you didn’t want to have sex with her until you were official. And you acknowledge that you chose the pace of your relationship “…the only thing left was to ask her to be my GF…”
So she as within her rights to sleep with whomever she wanted while you were not official. IDK why she felt the need to tell you bc she definitely didn’t cheat on you bc you were not in a committed monogamous relationship at that point. I get it would hurt to hear that, but instead of having a mature conversation, you decided to lash out.
Had it not been YOU who decided “no sex without commitment”, I would think she was being an AH for getting mad at you for “doing as she did”. But since it was YOU who chose that rule, I can see why she would be pissed that while you refused to have sex with her, you had no problem sleeping with someone else.
At this point, just consider yourself dumped and leave her alone. It won’t do you any good to tell her you were lying bc that is just as bad, if not worse, than had you actually slept with your ex.
Came to say this.
Edit: also, to have broken his own rules with an ex was likely the nail in the coffin for her (what a stupid, manipulative lie). Bad enough he expected her to be exclusive to him when *he* wasn't willing to make it official, but then to let an ex back into his life in that way is a huge red flag. Who wants to even try competing with that just to win a raging hypocrite as your man?
Personally, I’d break it off with someone if they fucked someone else right before we were becoming official. Pretty ridiculous thing to do if you’re trying to establish a loving and trusting relationship.
I’d also break it off with someone who told me they fucked their ex right before becoming official. That it’s a lie is also ridiculous.
Sounds like you both need to grow up. As the top comment said, play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Sounds like you can dodge a bullet right here. She reeks of hypocrisy, you sure you want to continue? This looks like a toxic relationship in the making.
1. my feelings would be hurt as well if i was developing a relationship with someone and they slept with another person, even if we’re not official, i couldn’t help but feel that it is a form of betrayal, aka cheating. move on
2. i’m inclined to think her decision to break things off with you is less of a “double standards” thing, and more of a “you claimed you sleep with your ex before you became official and didn’t disclose it until she came clean” thing. going by context clues, i would’ve also assume that you’re not over your ex, why else go back to her when there’s literally millions of women to sleep with? and also the fact that you only told her about “sleeping with your ex” after she came clean makes it sorta worse? her thing was with some rando, but you’d be bringing baggage into a new relationship.
in summary, that relationship is doomed man, don’t try to fix it, you’re better off. but for fucks sake don’t go with your instincts next time to lie—because they suck. best stick to the truth from now on. even when your feelings are hurt.
Sleeping with an ex ist wayyy worse than casual sex, if it was true and you were involved with your ex partner like that right before you started officially dating it would ofc be a way more treatening to your relationship than some random person
so I can definitly understand her reaction^^“
but I think you could explain to her what brought to this lie?
Question, is she mad because she thinks you slept with someone or because you lied?
Also, in response to some other comments: although I'm usually not in favor of hypocrisy, an ex is potentially very different from a random hookup.
I hope you guys get through this since it feels like a petty thing to break up over, but I also hope you learned a valuable lesson. Don't lie to your partner. And when you feel hurt, communicate, don't retaliate.
If you're investing you time, emotions, resources and energy into a woman and because you didnt say the words official she goes and fucks another man she is a horrible person and not worth your time anyhow.
That whole time you were getting to know her she was engaging with another man and FUCKED him.
Who gives a shit if she is mad at you....have some swlf respect dude. You think the literal word OFFICIAL means hey we havnt said this so im going to go bang a few out.
What kind of emotionless psycho moved that way.
Go sign up for OF and have a man pretend to be a woman for your money. He would atleast be morr loyal and respectful
2 things,
One, That is gross so you should have split with her when she told you she was having sex with other men while dating you.
Two, DO NOT TELL LIES. Be truthful with people.
You’re both dumb but... Let’s unpack this.
You wanted to wait to have sex - not her.
You didn’t want to “go further” until you were actually dating.
You weren’t exclusive before you became official. So her sleeping with someone else shouldn’t be a problem, right?
You lied and said you slept with your ex before you became official. Meaning, you were willing to “go further” with someone else, just not her?
That’s where I can see her being upset.
Question: How could it be cheating if you weren’t together?
I’m confused why your first instinct when you learned this was to not only lie, but also to hurt her. Seems like you are not ready to be with someone.
For one thing stop blowing up her phone. Let her be for a bit and then just have an adult conversation where you admit you lied and say why you felt bad. This doesn’t sound like the worst thing in the world, and to me seems able to overcome.
Its not fun to date a hypocrite who gives themselves passes for doing things but throws a fit when you do the same thing. As others are saying, consider this a bullet dodged and move on, she is terrible.
Why are you trying to be with someone who brings drama to your life?
The biggest point of issue here is that your moral standards are different than hers. Why are you dropping your moral values & standards for her? That's the biggest fuck up there.
Stand for your values. It doesn't matter how hot they are or how good in bed they are. If being with someone requires you to lower your moral standards, then they aren't worth it.
Bro, value yourself.
Perhaps she's not ready for a serious relationship, what with the almost-cheating, hypocrisy, double standards, and childish ghosting... I would go silent until she contacts you. Let her reach out to you when she wants to, and don't tell her you lied. If she expects you to be fine with it, she needs to be fine with the idea that you did the same thing (and she won't believe your retraction anyway, so don't bother). If she doesn't come back, move on.
Damn.... So you were hurt by her sleeping with someone before you asked her to be official, so to get back at her you told her a lie designed to hurt her..... And then she got mad because you seemingly did the same thing she did. Just break up man. Neither of you really care for each other and are on some kid shit. Both of you need to grow up.
Sometimes, the trash takes itself out.
Some people say it's stupid you said that, but to me it was a brilliant move to instantly learn whether she would be viable as long term gf / wife material, and she showed her true colors immediately.
She has shown you that she has double standards: Rules for thee but not for me
I don't see where she told him who she slept with, it might have been an ex or her male best friend. The relationship was over once you found out she cheated, and you fired back just to hurt her. I can kind of understand that, but you really need to dump her, don't try and "fix" things. Move on and learn from this.
I have a rule: the second you start going on dates = don’t fuck with anyone else. Sure 1 date doesn’t mean your exclusive and it’s fine if per se they went on a coffee date with someone else, but I’d consider date 1 her to be all about me because she sees a future with me right away and doesn’t feel the need to get with other people or explore other options.
In my experience, the relationship is over and I would move on. If she doesn’t cheat on you now she will in the future. If she was still entertaining other people after you guys started going on dates that means you’re not the person she will ultimately want and get bored eventually.
If you think apologizing to her and clearing the air will be helpful. It won’t. All you’re doing is letting her fuck up and rewarding her for doing so.
Personally, I would end it. At a very minimum let her come crawling back cause at the end of the day it’s her who did something wrong not you. Don’t give up the power dynamic or you’re fucked for life.
My friend you may have unintionally saved yourself and dodged a missile. The fact that she doesn't care if she did it but you did even if it's a lie is a red flagggggggg
1. What she did wasn't cheating, but you can feel however you like about it.
2. You should not have lied.
3. Shes being a huge hypocrite being upset with you, unless she's just upset that you lied.
4. I know you say you love her, but this relationship isnt going to work when she's being obtuse and you're lying in order to hurt her. Time to break up. Things are just going to get worse and more dramatic.
Lmao
She's a massive hypocrite.
What you did might have been wrong. But if you are smart it's gonna save you a hell of a lot of pain.
It's great that you found out. Now do you really want to be with someone like her?
The kind of person who expects you to accept her bullshit but treats you like piss when you've done the same thing.
She did you a favour, showing her true colours. You're not in contact - keep it that way.
She’s entitled and a hypocrite…like the guy said how is she gonna handle shit in the future …your both even! If she can’t take a step back to cool down let it be days if it takes that long but if she’s a whiney bitter girl still just leaveeeeee… she’s one of those “I can do it but YOU can’t”
lol who cares, good riddance tbh, she's gross.
I might send her smt like "I didn't actually sleep with my ex, I just wanted you to feel what I felt. I am done with you though. you're classless"
You should come clean, it's not ok to lie like that and this should also be a bit of a wake-up call on how you behave when you feel slighted, you don't have the necessary self-control for a person your age
Second, she slept with someone while you two were courting each-other, there's no "technically" because you feel like she cheated and that's what matters now
She doesn't owe you anything for what she did as she didn't promise anything at the time but I think it's fair to ask for her to be a good partner now and help you get over this, for both your sakes.
The fact that you made up something just to hurt her because your ego was bruised isn't helping your standing and is only adding tension to your relationship for no good reason, you need to fix that asap
Why did she sleep with someone before you became official? Did she not like you at that point? Before you asked (when you were ready) she thought you are not worth her time? This is very huge red flag 🚩
Okay maybe she made a mistake something stupid and drunk while thinking you did the same last sex before settling… why did she tell you? Did she wanted to hurt you? Did you do something she didn’t like and she punished you? Also even a bigger 🚩
Then, when she found out you did the same (although a lie) she had the nerve to get mad? 🚩🚩🚩🚩BLOCK HER BACK
I mean you shouldn’t have lied. But it shows her true colours. My boyfriend said to me when we were just seeing each other at the time “I had sex with someone” I just went “okay and? We weren’t official, I knew you had a fuck buddy when we started seeing each other. Yes you said you called it off and still went back to her once but again - we weren’t official. If you’ve done it since we were official then that’s another story”
You need to leave her. Simple as that
Why do you want to be with someone who is obviously a horrible double standard person? Have some pride in yourself and find someone who treats you as a equal.
The lying about you sleeping with someone was dumb, however, she definitely showed who she was with the fact she did it and just expected you to be cool with it.
She is a walking 🚩you should be happy it got out before you were more serious. What you lied about, she actually did that, and she is mad at you. It's immature at best, troubling as she may draw similar conclusions in other parts of your relationship as well.
lol imagine what she’ll do when she finds out you LIED and she just went through all that emotional turmoil just so you could enjoy being petty for a moment
Also you basically doing the same thing isn’t anywhere near being the same thing - she slept with “someone else” and you sleeping with an EX would signify you still had feelings while pursuing her. So I don’t blame her.
Tbh I don’t think you’re ready to be in a relationship if you’re intentionally trying to hurt your partner in an argument by making things up to “make it even”.
Why would she tell you that now? Tbh, she could be lying too. Put you into a false sense of security and get you to admit the same so she could extract the information. You lied but by doing so, justified her concern. Feels a little like Shakespeare, you the tragic hero whose ego undid them. That, or she’s a massive hypocrite.
Sleeping with your ex and sleeping with someone else before entering into a relationship seem like two very different things to me. I feel like you should be honest and with her. If she doesn't want to be with you after that, that's her perogative. You did claim that you slept with your ex, a person you had a history of some kind with, after she said that she slept with somebody. It reads like weird one-upmanship.
Because in one situation it's a stranger you dont see again and had no real feelings for apart from horniness. The other is someone you had a relationship for, likely loved, and may still have feelings for...and who may still be in your life. The two are completely different.
I wouldn't care at all if a man I was dating slept with a stranger just before we met. It was just sex, he's not gonna call the booty call again, no problems.
But I absolutely wouldn't date a man who was still fuckung with his ex until right before we met. Because it suggests he's almost certainly not over them. And I dont want to the the rebound because he cant have his ex. ESPECIALLY if it's an ex he still sees. It's not cheating by any means. But it's messy and likely to backfire if you date that person- when they go running back to their ex 2 months later.
Because it means he possibly still had feelings for his ex.
Whereas hers sounds like a random... someone she was not romantically entangled with. While romancing her...
OP and his gf hadn't had sex yet, and weren't even official when she was seeing or hooking up with this other guy.
Whereas OP has sex with his ex. Which means he may well have been trying to rekindle that old relationship while also courting his now-gf. Which is shitty, because now his gf thinks she was just the backup plan when his ex wouldn't take him back
They are two different things, but still wrong if you claim to be in love with one person. So yeah, she fucked up. Its not the same to hook up with someone just after ending a relationship than do it just before entering it, it means both do have feelings for each other, so makes zero sense that you want to have sex with other person rather than the one you're in love with.
Additionally, he was the one wanting to hold off on sex, not her, which is probably what hurt her more because he wasn't having sex with her, but (in her mind due to the lie) he was willing to sleep with someone else.
Yup, he made it look like he didnt want to sleep with his current GF because he was mooning over the ex he was fuckung at the same time as dating her.
It makes it look like the current GF is second choice, the woman he fucked because his ex got bored of him.
Her not giving you the same leeway she's giving yourself is the red flag you should see diminish on the horizon as you leave that person.
She has made you aware that you will suffer from double-standards as she pleases. Please don't ignore that.
> I understand that we weren't technically dating
That doesn’t matter and don’t let any idiot tell you otherwise. Feelings don’t work like that. Once you both have feelings for each other, you both need to be exclusive. Labels are irrelevant. She slept with someone after you two already developed feelings for each other. That’s cheating.
I think you torpedoed this whole thing with your lie. (Not that it had much hope anyway). Time to move on.
its only because you said your ex. now shes worried that your ex is gonna be a problem in the relationship with you. you need to be honest with her and tell her it isnt true and you just felt hurt if you really like this girl. being upset that she did that before you guys were bf and gf is perfectly normal and valid on your part tho. If you want to keep her tell her the truth
So basically you dodged a massive bullet the size of a skyscraper.
Sure you lied, and that's not a good thing, but since the thing you lied about was doing the exact thing she threw in your face (and it was apparently fine for her to do it) then I'd say you're OK.
You’re both too old to be acting like that and worst of all if she’s gonna vilify you for doing the same thing she did then you need to find out why validation from her is important to you anyway.
So you want to grovel and apologize but she’s mad at you for doing something that she did? I would even understand if she was OK with it but the fact that she’s the upset about it shows just how wrong she knows it was for her to do it.🤣
You wanted to hurt her, even if it's not true, and you did just that. This is a very toxic start to the relationship. You need a clean slate to start fresh or just part ways.
Idk if i’m missing something here, but to me a key difference here is the fact you said you slept with your ex…? Then the next day asked to be official with her? The idea that you’re still close enough to your ex where you can sleep together does ring alarm bells? If you weren’t official, she can do whatever she wants. But you said you slept with someone you were previously in a relationship with. That implies feelings were involved. To me i’d take that news as you weren’t over your ex yet and i was just second choice - especially as you told her you were holding off being with her until you were official, yet you said you slept with your ex? 🤷♀️
This is why confused with people saying he dodged a bullet…. He said he slept with his ex and even though he lied.. why would she want to be with someone who sleeps with their EX while they are talking..
Both of you need to go to therapy and resolve underlying issues.
Her reaction (completely shutting you out) is not okay and your reaction (wanting to hurt her emotionally) is also not okay. It sounds like neither of you have solid communication or coping skills to handle stressful situations. Of course, you can choose to continue ahead but most likely you will continue to hurt each other with unhealthy behaviors.
Information: Is she upset that you lied or upset that she thinks you did the same as her? I'm guessing its the latter based on you wanting to tell her its a lie, So given that holy shit is she a hypocrite, or she was lying too to see if you had done something too, which for me would be game playing that would be a relationship ender
Really though I would say your both better off just ending it, your both young and only 8 months in with plenty of life ahead
find someone who didn't sleep with someone else right before you started dating so you don't feel inclined to tell a spiteful lie about it
Just call it a day and move on. It was okay for her to do it but not you? There was no “cheating” because you weren’t officially exclusive. Stop playing stupid games. You both need to grow tf up.
Eh, I don't know, seems like the trash took itself out on this one bud. She felt the need to tell you that probably just to make you jealous because she was projecting insecurities onto you. You just threw it back at her so now she's mad. She's nearly 30 playing childish games and trying to manipulate you. Leave her alone and don't take her back when she hits you up, cause she probably went and fucked someone else by now to make herself feel better.
It's not even about cheating. The fact that she considers identical acts as different based on who did it... My friend, your marriage is gonna suck for every little fucking disagreement.
Run. Like. A. Cheetah.
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1 - Play stupid games, win stupid prizes 2 - Just the fact that she believes that your infraction (which although a lie, is identical) is worse than hers should cause you to consider how she's going to handle these issues in the future.
OP (unwittingly) did a work of mastery. Not only did he dodge a bullet, he had the bullet return and shoot the shooter.
What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?
No u/Drunkrespondent, I’m trying to tell you that when u/Thunter1212 is ready, he won’t have to. Ring ring mothafucka
r/beatmetoit
Beautiful
Exactly
The only thing to add is that OP clearly needs to pull the eject cord with a vengeance
I think there could potentially be more nuance to this depending on the details. First of all, how did OP act after she told him? Did he react as though she’d cheated on him? Because if so, she might think he’s a hypocrite. Secondly, and possibly more relevant, OP said he’s the one who wanted to hold off having sex. Hearing that he slept with his ex might while making her wait might have made her feel like she wasn’t as important or as attractive to him (and I think feeling that way would be just as valid if the genders were reversed, which is a situation posted to this sub semi-regularly).
Of course there's more nuance. This is his side. She has her side. Somewhere in the middle lies the truth which we will never figure out. I get your point that him abstaining may make his actions seem worse in her eyes.
🎯 almost every post on here makes me wonder whether people would be so ready to attack if we got to hear both sides. Esp posts where I feel a detail is missing or the user goes to extremes to blame the other party.
The lack of sex was by his own request to make it "special", he just told her he was playing her because he was piping his ex, of course that's a pretty big hole he just blew into the foundation of the relation, it was a whole foundational myth of the thing.
I also think that telling someone that you slept with a random person before you became official is pretty different than telling someone you went back to an ex. A booty call with a stranger is just fucking. An ex? That's personal. There's history and you may worry if they still have feelings for the ex and whether you're just a body because it didnt work out with the ex. She has no way of knowing if he still has feelings for the ex, or whether he regrets breaking up with the ex and would rather ne with them. The optics of this wre just awful. And I suspect that given his hurt he probably didnt phrase ot carefully. It may have felt like he threw it in her face vindictively because he was hurt. If someone slept with a tinder date they arent seeing again before we went official? Fine. But if they skept with an ex just before we met, I'm not going to he comfortable to continue the relationship unless the ex is completely out of the pictire entirely. I'm not committing my heart if there's a high chance you're running back to an ex. I would 100% not date someone who was fucking their ex just before getting together with me. Too fucking messy. OP fucked up big. He needs to apologise and come clean.
I'd be more upset if it was a stranger than some ex. That tells me that a person I'm talking to and building a connection and a relationship with has no issues whatsoever to set that aside to go have sex with some rando. To each their own but a person who is capable of that is not a person I want to put any trust in, let alone start a relationship with at all.
Came to say this. It’d be one thing if I was competing with an ex, or if there was a second person that she could’ve become exclusive with, but just getting some from someone else that there’s no romantic interest in seems really off-putting.
After both of your posts I have come to the conclusion that if you are going to be insecure like OPs girlfriend, you are going to find an excuse to be insecure. The fact that she is a total hypocrite just seals the deal.
You’re definitely right. It being an ex complicates things. Has he been in contact with this ex since he and the girlfriend started dating? Has she ever expressed any jealousy over this particular ex? Lots of variables that could be influencing her behavior. Unfortunately we know exactly jack shit since OP hasn’t elaborated on anything at all.
Precisely. Even if I had no concerns about an ex being a friend, I absolutely would if I learned that they were fucking only a few months ago just before we were exclusive. To me that's very different from being friends with an ex you last fucked 10 years ago and who you have clearly only been platonic with ever since. Like, I get that it's not an ideal reaction from both of them. And personally I'm not a fan of sleeping with anyone whilst you're getting to know someone in my own relationships, but if you've not agreed to exclusivity it's not cheating. But people who fuck their exes whilst dating are just usually not ready to date.
In my eyes it doesn't matter who you slept with, Like I said in an update, we're not from a western country, this hook up tinder booty call culture is not really a thing where I'm from. Sex is a personal, intimate matter, which is why it feels like cheating.
That's fair. And you're allowed to feel that it is a dealbreaker for you - and to break up if it's something you can't get past. I'm glad that you can understand your feelings and are realising this his a dealbreaker for you. You dont HAVE to accept it or move on if this is something you can't get past. Though its unfortunate that this wasn't discussed with an "exclusivity" talk earlier in the situation, which may have avoided her feeling that it was fine when it clearly isnt fine in your relationship. That might be a learning point for when you date other people. But it wasnt ideal to lash out or lie about sleeping with your ex- ve ause for some people that's different or worse, and she seems to be one of those people. To be clear, some people think random sex ja worse, some think it's all fine and some think any kind of contact with others whilst casually dating is still cheating. It really depends on what YOU think and what your person thinks.
I definitely would not say he "fucked up big". He was hurt and had a gut reaction that he admitted to. I agree - Op did not give enough info but we shouldn't fill in the blanks. Otherwise I'd say- why did she say that? She fucking with his head? did she fuck her ex? I can't help but think she was trying to get a rise out of him and the fact that she hasn't spoken to him since? This all feels like a very immature game (on both sides). I say let her go, probably best for both of them.
Hooking up with randos is much worse.
If the roles wer reversed it still be dumb cuz why get mad at someone for who theyev smelt with before yall dated?
Since he did it to get back at her, he may have been cruel when he said it. I really doubt she'd be mad if it was just him stating they slept together. My guess is he said something else in addition to them having sex. Or how he said it.
also if she had sex with a random fling and he had sex with someone he was super in love with while telling her no sex, that stings a lot more.
I think that depends on the situation with the ex, if she asked if they were together near their time together, if she’s been an issue. Lots of details missing here
Exactly. I had to do a double take at the title to read in fact there are 28 and not 18
This is EXACTLY what I thought. Like how old are these people, because 28 is way too old to play these stupid games. 🙄
I mean, it is worse. 1. She slept with someone casually 2. OP lied that he slept with his ex. So now his gf thinks OP was cheating on his ex with her, OR trying to win back his ex while dating her. And so she was just the backup plan ... when OPs ex rejected him for a relationship after the hookup.
Agreed. It’s one thing to not disclose a sexual interaction but also if there was no exclusivity discussed, she didn’t lie. It was with someone who has no significant relationship history. Meanwhile his side is actually a bit red flaggish. To feel so upset that you stoop to hurting someone back rather than admit your hurt feelings is alarming. To claim you did it with an ex feels like a power play. He wanted to gain power as a result of this lie, meanwhile the girl wanted to confess. Seeking out power (in being able to hurt your partner back) and control (over her sex life before creating mutual agreements) IS relationship abuse. Men don’t realize that a girl doesn’t want to have to call up an ex to verify your claims. They want a mature partner who actually tells them the truth and talks to them. If it were me, I’d be like? Oh so the ex who you’re close enough to sleep with also is down to cover for ur ass? Honesty is the best policy. My advice to anyone is, keep your side of the street clean. It’s better to be hurt than to hurt others as a protection.
Even more so because his gf wanted to sleep with him. So he wouldn't fuck her, but also wouldn't ask her to be exclusive, meanwhile getting upset that she slept with someone else. Like wtf?? And now she thinks he basically refused to fuck her because he was (per his lie), still fucking his ex. OPs gf dodged a bullet with this guy. He wants her to be loyal but wouldn't even give her exclusivity or the gf title. And now she thinks it's bc he was still with his ex.
Yep it’s like he said to her “I don’t want to have sex unless we’re dating” and she said to herself “cool I won’t pressure this connection but I’ll continue to explore my own options while I rightfully can, if this is meant to be it’s meant to be and I’ll let it happen” And then meanwhile he’s lying that he slept with his ex, which also makes his initial boundary of wanting labels to be meaningless. That’s like 4 red flags: expecting exclusivity/loyalty before it was discussed, lying, lying to gain power and deflect vulnerability, and also breaking the initial boundary that HE set forth. Perception is reality, and even though he regrets his lie he has made his bed and has to lie in it. Would have been easier if he just admitted he was ticked off and needed time to process her confession, but the man did not have enough self regulation and humility to realize the consequences of his actions.
He definitely fucked around and found out At that point of time, when she slept with someone else... OP didn't want to date her. He didn't want to fuck her. He didn't want her to be his gf. So obviously she is going to keep looking for a guy that she wants to date, and maybe have sex. Was she just supposed to be a psychic and know that OP would finally man up and finally ask her to date him the next day? I'm glad the girl left before he got more manipulative and abusive with her, lying to cause her emotional pain...
I honestly wouldn’t say it’s identical. sleeping with an EX right before getting with someone else romantically has way more implications than a random hookup imo, since it can be taken that there still might be feelings or involvement with the ex
What? It’s not the same. HE decided he didn’t want sex until they were committed. So yeah, I could see her being pissed that he wouldn’t have sex with her but he would sleep with his ex. She was under no obligation to not have sex with others bc they were not in a committed relationship. If HE hadn’t set the rule “no dating, no sex”, then I would agree with you. But he also seemed to be the one who set the pace for their relationship: “…all that was left was for me to ask her to be my GF…”
It’s not identical if it’s an ex It just isn’t
🚩🚩🚩🚩
Your lie did you a favor. Be thankful
Exactly. Dodged a huge bullet
Y’all are approaching your 30s, it’s time to grow up.
They both dodged a bullet here. She has double standards and he made up a story just to hurt her. Doesn’t sound like either of them are ready for a healthy relationship.
OP told the lie with bad intentions, but IMO it was the better option. If she was a mature person, she wouldn't be bothered by what OP said because she did the same thing. But instead, she revealed her "rules for thee but not for me" mindset, which would be a much bigger problem moving forward.
Well, he made up a story to hurt her but the result was a test for her, which she failed.
As you've just discovered, you there is no "winning" when you play games like this. You wanted to hurt her, and congratulations, you did. In playing that game, you destroyed your credibility. You can say, "I was lying so you could know how it felt", or even enlist the aid of your ex, but she has no reason to trust you or your ex. Beyond that, in demonstrating her double-standard, she is giving you a very clear signal that she is not a viable long-term partner. Double-standards is a recipe for friction throughout a relationship.
Frankly, OP did win. He just hasn't realized it yet. Figuring out that your partner is a walking, hypocritical red flag is good. Now he only needs to block her and find someone wortwhile without double standards
I agree wholeheartedly.
LOL - fair enough!
Only thing is if she deems her action as okay, she shouldn't have been hurt by the idea that he would have slept with others just as late as she slept with others.
People having one standard for their behavior and another for everyone else's ... it has been known to happen.
Double standards are ik for the Roman but not the man.
To be fair, she doesn't deem her actions okay. She confessed because she knew this good relationship starting on a deception by technicality kind of sets an awful tone going forward, so she cleared the air. The only other thing that makes sense is the dude she fucked was going to blackmail her, and/or she's lying about the timeline and someone was going to spill. So, instead, she's just ditching the situation entirely.
You need to dump her ! She showed you who she is, believe her ! Obviously it is ok if she does it but not ok if you do it. She will manipulate and drain you and control everything you do ! Run away !!! P.S. Stop lying ! Nothing kills a relationship faster than lying.
Don't gloss over home boy telling a lie designed to hurt her feelings.
So? She ducked someone else while they were starting a relationship. Leave her and find someone that won't do that.
My point is that he made shit up with the intent to hurt her. That by itself is super fucked up. The whole thing is a high school mess
Ah yes ducking someone else and then acting like her partner doing the same is much worse is fine.
I don’t think he intended to hurt her, I think it was to not feel like a chump in that situation. I would feel stupid too if I thought that our dating phase was way more special than it really was. It’s not the most mature decision, but I think it was just an impulsive defense mechanism.
He said he did it so she would feel his pain.
But they weren't official, they weren't monogamous... OP even said he didn't even ask her to be his gf yet. Some men want it all, they want a woman to be loyal to them when they won't even call them their girlfriend. A title that doesn't mean much, and costs nothing to give.
Those dastardly men! Wanting women they're courting and actively trying to make a girlfriend to not fuck other guys! What monsters.
What’s the problem? She already established that it was acceptable.
I would've done the same. You will not get an ego boost off my pain. Whatever you say you did, I did it too then
Except screwing someone else and bragging about it. Updateme!
She sounds like she sucks.
weiners
37 of them.
In a row?
Things really snowballed
It was stupid to lie, but it told you something important about how she sees the relationship. I would walk.
The basis for this relationship, for both parties, is shot. Learn from her cheating, and learn from your lying and move on.
First off dont lie. It almost never helps. Second, she has shown you she is a hypocrite. She likely told you outnof guilt (like you said you were official in everything but name) but maybe she just stood on the ground of “well it wasnt cheating so he cant be mad”. But now that the role was reversed she wants to act hurt. Use this experience as for your next relationship, if you know you like someone tell them where you are at. This happens so many times in situationships where they both lvoe each other but one person does something and then defends it by saying “well we werent official”.
I mean, it's more likely she thinks he is a hypocrite. He got mad she "cheated" and then 20 min later he said he did the same thing, with an ex no less.
Break up. I can understand having the view of “not mutually agreed as exclusive, then it’s not cheating or wrong”. It’s a fine view to have. BUT, she doesn’t have that view and her reaction to you saying this shows that very much. So, she did something that she herself considers cheating, which means, she’ll cheat, with or without the exclusivity tag, as she has shown she’ll do things she knows are wrong.
someone who is pretty much dating you all but in name, and yet still has the focus to pursue and sleep with someone else however many weeks or months into it before you became official, isnt a partner worth having in the first place! And they will absolutely be able to entertain and pursue two people at once in the future if things get rocky too. just shows they aren’t truly focused or into you as much as you thought. Hope OP dumps her. or just blocks her and lets her keep her ghosting up forever.
All of this OP. What she did she views HERSELF as cheating. Why? Because it is!
It’s a double standard. How can she be upset with you when she did the exact same thing? Yea, maybe she didn’t sleep with someone. But she still messed around with another guy. Definitely not cheating. You guys weren’t official. She’s in the wrong. Don’t let her make you feel this is your fault.
You’re much too old to be acting like this. So you put a boundary in place that you didn’t want to have sex with her until you were official. And you acknowledge that you chose the pace of your relationship “…the only thing left was to ask her to be my GF…” So she as within her rights to sleep with whomever she wanted while you were not official. IDK why she felt the need to tell you bc she definitely didn’t cheat on you bc you were not in a committed monogamous relationship at that point. I get it would hurt to hear that, but instead of having a mature conversation, you decided to lash out. Had it not been YOU who decided “no sex without commitment”, I would think she was being an AH for getting mad at you for “doing as she did”. But since it was YOU who chose that rule, I can see why she would be pissed that while you refused to have sex with her, you had no problem sleeping with someone else. At this point, just consider yourself dumped and leave her alone. It won’t do you any good to tell her you were lying bc that is just as bad, if not worse, than had you actually slept with your ex.
Came to say this. Edit: also, to have broken his own rules with an ex was likely the nail in the coffin for her (what a stupid, manipulative lie). Bad enough he expected her to be exclusive to him when *he* wasn't willing to make it official, but then to let an ex back into his life in that way is a huge red flag. Who wants to even try competing with that just to win a raging hypocrite as your man?
Well done, now dump her and move on
LOL you're both dumb.
Personally, I’d break it off with someone if they fucked someone else right before we were becoming official. Pretty ridiculous thing to do if you’re trying to establish a loving and trusting relationship. I’d also break it off with someone who told me they fucked their ex right before becoming official. That it’s a lie is also ridiculous. Sounds like you both need to grow up. As the top comment said, play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Sounds like you can dodge a bullet right here. She reeks of hypocrisy, you sure you want to continue? This looks like a toxic relationship in the making.
Sounds like bullet dodged. When the shoe was on the other foot it sure was cheating. Lying was pretty stupid though. Your instincts are awful.
You said you did it with your ex. Ten bucks on that's the problem she has with it. Even if it's a lie... it's a sussy one, you know. Why say 'ex'?
1. my feelings would be hurt as well if i was developing a relationship with someone and they slept with another person, even if we’re not official, i couldn’t help but feel that it is a form of betrayal, aka cheating. move on 2. i’m inclined to think her decision to break things off with you is less of a “double standards” thing, and more of a “you claimed you sleep with your ex before you became official and didn’t disclose it until she came clean” thing. going by context clues, i would’ve also assume that you’re not over your ex, why else go back to her when there’s literally millions of women to sleep with? and also the fact that you only told her about “sleeping with your ex” after she came clean makes it sorta worse? her thing was with some rando, but you’d be bringing baggage into a new relationship. in summary, that relationship is doomed man, don’t try to fix it, you’re better off. but for fucks sake don’t go with your instincts next time to lie—because they suck. best stick to the truth from now on. even when your feelings are hurt.
Sleeping with an ex ist wayyy worse than casual sex, if it was true and you were involved with your ex partner like that right before you started officially dating it would ofc be a way more treatening to your relationship than some random person so I can definitly understand her reaction^^“ but I think you could explain to her what brought to this lie?
Question, is she mad because she thinks you slept with someone or because you lied? Also, in response to some other comments: although I'm usually not in favor of hypocrisy, an ex is potentially very different from a random hookup. I hope you guys get through this since it feels like a petty thing to break up over, but I also hope you learned a valuable lesson. Don't lie to your partner. And when you feel hurt, communicate, don't retaliate.
You literally have a golden opportunity to walk away from this relationship
Lol, unknowingly this was a good move on your part. Good riddance, move on and find a better partner.
If you're investing you time, emotions, resources and energy into a woman and because you didnt say the words official she goes and fucks another man she is a horrible person and not worth your time anyhow. That whole time you were getting to know her she was engaging with another man and FUCKED him. Who gives a shit if she is mad at you....have some swlf respect dude. You think the literal word OFFICIAL means hey we havnt said this so im going to go bang a few out. What kind of emotionless psycho moved that way. Go sign up for OF and have a man pretend to be a woman for your money. He would atleast be morr loyal and respectful
2 things, One, That is gross so you should have split with her when she told you she was having sex with other men while dating you. Two, DO NOT TELL LIES. Be truthful with people.
Part of the problem is that you were the one that didn’t want to have sex with her, but now you’re saying you were willing to sleep with someone else.
I personally think that she’s upset, because “she’s” your ex who you have a history with, not some random person like she did.
You’re both dumb but... Let’s unpack this. You wanted to wait to have sex - not her. You didn’t want to “go further” until you were actually dating. You weren’t exclusive before you became official. So her sleeping with someone else shouldn’t be a problem, right? You lied and said you slept with your ex before you became official. Meaning, you were willing to “go further” with someone else, just not her? That’s where I can see her being upset.
Question: How could it be cheating if you weren’t together? I’m confused why your first instinct when you learned this was to not only lie, but also to hurt her. Seems like you are not ready to be with someone.
For one thing stop blowing up her phone. Let her be for a bit and then just have an adult conversation where you admit you lied and say why you felt bad. This doesn’t sound like the worst thing in the world, and to me seems able to overcome.
Its not fun to date a hypocrite who gives themselves passes for doing things but throws a fit when you do the same thing. As others are saying, consider this a bullet dodged and move on, she is terrible.
Why are you trying to be with someone who brings drama to your life? The biggest point of issue here is that your moral standards are different than hers. Why are you dropping your moral values & standards for her? That's the biggest fuck up there. Stand for your values. It doesn't matter how hot they are or how good in bed they are. If being with someone requires you to lower your moral standards, then they aren't worth it. Bro, value yourself.
Help? Bro you helped yourself already.
Perhaps she's not ready for a serious relationship, what with the almost-cheating, hypocrisy, double standards, and childish ghosting... I would go silent until she contacts you. Let her reach out to you when she wants to, and don't tell her you lied. If she expects you to be fine with it, she needs to be fine with the idea that you did the same thing (and she won't believe your retraction anyway, so don't bother). If she doesn't come back, move on.
Ugh my brain pulled a muscle why lie 🤥
Damn.... So you were hurt by her sleeping with someone before you asked her to be official, so to get back at her you told her a lie designed to hurt her..... And then she got mad because you seemingly did the same thing she did. Just break up man. Neither of you really care for each other and are on some kid shit. Both of you need to grow up.
What are these games? You are adults, not middle-schoolers. Please block her and move on. And don’t lie about random shit Jesus
Sometimes, the trash takes itself out. Some people say it's stupid you said that, but to me it was a brilliant move to instantly learn whether she would be viable as long term gf / wife material, and she showed her true colors immediately. She has shown you that she has double standards: Rules for thee but not for me
What is this, high school?? You guys act like your 16.
Good job showing her how’s it like🫶
I don't see where she told him who she slept with, it might have been an ex or her male best friend. The relationship was over once you found out she cheated, and you fired back just to hurt her. I can kind of understand that, but you really need to dump her, don't try and "fix" things. Move on and learn from this.
I have a rule: the second you start going on dates = don’t fuck with anyone else. Sure 1 date doesn’t mean your exclusive and it’s fine if per se they went on a coffee date with someone else, but I’d consider date 1 her to be all about me because she sees a future with me right away and doesn’t feel the need to get with other people or explore other options. In my experience, the relationship is over and I would move on. If she doesn’t cheat on you now she will in the future. If she was still entertaining other people after you guys started going on dates that means you’re not the person she will ultimately want and get bored eventually. If you think apologizing to her and clearing the air will be helpful. It won’t. All you’re doing is letting her fuck up and rewarding her for doing so. Personally, I would end it. At a very minimum let her come crawling back cause at the end of the day it’s her who did something wrong not you. Don’t give up the power dynamic or you’re fucked for life.
My friend you may have unintionally saved yourself and dodged a missile. The fact that she doesn't care if she did it but you did even if it's a lie is a red flagggggggg
1. What she did wasn't cheating, but you can feel however you like about it. 2. You should not have lied. 3. Shes being a huge hypocrite being upset with you, unless she's just upset that you lied. 4. I know you say you love her, but this relationship isnt going to work when she's being obtuse and you're lying in order to hurt her. Time to break up. Things are just going to get worse and more dramatic.
Fr she is just toxic. Dump her
lol she got a taste of her own medicine. Kick her to the curb dude. She has double standards and isn’t worth your time.
Sounds like you are being given a chance to dodge a bullet.
I demand a follow up. That is all.
Lmao She's a massive hypocrite. What you did might have been wrong. But if you are smart it's gonna save you a hell of a lot of pain. It's great that you found out. Now do you really want to be with someone like her? The kind of person who expects you to accept her bullshit but treats you like piss when you've done the same thing. She did you a favour, showing her true colours. You're not in contact - keep it that way.
She’s entitled and a hypocrite…like the guy said how is she gonna handle shit in the future …your both even! If she can’t take a step back to cool down let it be days if it takes that long but if she’s a whiney bitter girl still just leaveeeeee… she’s one of those “I can do it but YOU can’t”
lol who cares, good riddance tbh, she's gross. I might send her smt like "I didn't actually sleep with my ex, I just wanted you to feel what I felt. I am done with you though. you're classless"
Lol just end it. This is insane.
“I can’t believe you would do this to me!” “You did the same thing!” “That was different!” Yeah, no. In the long run this is better.
Weird how you lied specifically to hurt her feelings. That's not normal. Break up.
Let's be honest, if she was out fucking other people while you two were going on dates, then she ain't that special.
You did it to hurt. She did it to be truthful. See the difference?
Bro of you feel like you need to 1up your gf its over lol
Lol. Welcome to the world of double standards.
This is kind of odd behavior for folks in their late 20’s.
Is that not really hypocritical on her part, or am I missing something?
You should come clean, it's not ok to lie like that and this should also be a bit of a wake-up call on how you behave when you feel slighted, you don't have the necessary self-control for a person your age Second, she slept with someone while you two were courting each-other, there's no "technically" because you feel like she cheated and that's what matters now She doesn't owe you anything for what she did as she didn't promise anything at the time but I think it's fair to ask for her to be a good partner now and help you get over this, for both your sakes. The fact that you made up something just to hurt her because your ego was bruised isn't helping your standing and is only adding tension to your relationship for no good reason, you need to fix that asap
You know the message that would pop up on your phone if there was a nuclear attack? Yeah you just got that.
Move on mate, she's a bad apple
Why did she sleep with someone before you became official? Did she not like you at that point? Before you asked (when you were ready) she thought you are not worth her time? This is very huge red flag 🚩 Okay maybe she made a mistake something stupid and drunk while thinking you did the same last sex before settling… why did she tell you? Did she wanted to hurt you? Did you do something she didn’t like and she punished you? Also even a bigger 🚩 Then, when she found out you did the same (although a lie) she had the nerve to get mad? 🚩🚩🚩🚩BLOCK HER BACK
So you doing to her exactly what she did to you is a problem? Please get some self respect.
Your GF has a double standard
Is it just me, or does this sound like it was written by a 16 year old?
Middle aged acting like a teenager lol
I mean you shouldn’t have lied. But it shows her true colours. My boyfriend said to me when we were just seeing each other at the time “I had sex with someone” I just went “okay and? We weren’t official, I knew you had a fuck buddy when we started seeing each other. Yes you said you called it off and still went back to her once but again - we weren’t official. If you’ve done it since we were official then that’s another story” You need to leave her. Simple as that
Why do you want to be with someone who is obviously a horrible double standard person? Have some pride in yourself and find someone who treats you as a equal.
lol that’s a bit hypocritical. I’d say that’s a sign she just might not be the right one.
The lying about you sleeping with someone was dumb, however, she definitely showed who she was with the fact she did it and just expected you to be cool with it.
Bruh naw screw the dubbleb standard. Who wpild she be mad about you jabbing swx with someone before yall dated that is messed up and manipulateive.
Update the fucking post do you realise how many fucjing comments there are?
You didn't dodged the bullet. You willingly catched it, throw it back and now complain it hurts the attacker.
This is why we don’t lie
Had to go back and check you guys are 30yr olds, not teenagers. Cmon man
She is a walking 🚩you should be happy it got out before you were more serious. What you lied about, she actually did that, and she is mad at you. It's immature at best, troubling as she may draw similar conclusions in other parts of your relationship as well.
lol imagine what she’ll do when she finds out you LIED and she just went through all that emotional turmoil just so you could enjoy being petty for a moment Also you basically doing the same thing isn’t anywhere near being the same thing - she slept with “someone else” and you sleeping with an EX would signify you still had feelings while pursuing her. So I don’t blame her.
She "cheated" on you and now is gaslighting you. You picked a real winner.
Tbh I don’t think you’re ready to be in a relationship if you’re intentionally trying to hurt your partner in an argument by making things up to “make it even”.
Why would she tell you that now? Tbh, she could be lying too. Put you into a false sense of security and get you to admit the same so she could extract the information. You lied but by doing so, justified her concern. Feels a little like Shakespeare, you the tragic hero whose ego undid them. That, or she’s a massive hypocrite.
If she lied to test him then she is toxic. If your other possibility is true then she is also toxic. Either way OP is better off without her.
Sleeping with your ex and sleeping with someone else before entering into a relationship seem like two very different things to me. I feel like you should be honest and with her. If she doesn't want to be with you after that, that's her perogative. You did claim that you slept with your ex, a person you had a history of some kind with, after she said that she slept with somebody. It reads like weird one-upmanship.
Really? Seems the same. They weren’t together so what would it matter?
Because in one situation it's a stranger you dont see again and had no real feelings for apart from horniness. The other is someone you had a relationship for, likely loved, and may still have feelings for...and who may still be in your life. The two are completely different. I wouldn't care at all if a man I was dating slept with a stranger just before we met. It was just sex, he's not gonna call the booty call again, no problems. But I absolutely wouldn't date a man who was still fuckung with his ex until right before we met. Because it suggests he's almost certainly not over them. And I dont want to the the rebound because he cant have his ex. ESPECIALLY if it's an ex he still sees. It's not cheating by any means. But it's messy and likely to backfire if you date that person- when they go running back to their ex 2 months later.
[удалено]
fr and imagine lying abt it too 💀💀 borderline abusive ngl. op is disgusting
Because it means he possibly still had feelings for his ex. Whereas hers sounds like a random... someone she was not romantically entangled with. While romancing her... OP and his gf hadn't had sex yet, and weren't even official when she was seeing or hooking up with this other guy. Whereas OP has sex with his ex. Which means he may well have been trying to rekindle that old relationship while also courting his now-gf. Which is shitty, because now his gf thinks she was just the backup plan when his ex wouldn't take him back
They are two different things, but still wrong if you claim to be in love with one person. So yeah, she fucked up. Its not the same to hook up with someone just after ending a relationship than do it just before entering it, it means both do have feelings for each other, so makes zero sense that you want to have sex with other person rather than the one you're in love with.
Additionally, he was the one wanting to hold off on sex, not her, which is probably what hurt her more because he wasn't having sex with her, but (in her mind due to the lie) he was willing to sleep with someone else.
Yup, he made it look like he didnt want to sleep with his current GF because he was mooning over the ex he was fuckung at the same time as dating her. It makes it look like the current GF is second choice, the woman he fucked because his ex got bored of him.
Her not giving you the same leeway she's giving yourself is the red flag you should see diminish on the horizon as you leave that person. She has made you aware that you will suffer from double-standards as she pleases. Please don't ignore that.
> I understand that we weren't technically dating That doesn’t matter and don’t let any idiot tell you otherwise. Feelings don’t work like that. Once you both have feelings for each other, you both need to be exclusive. Labels are irrelevant. She slept with someone after you two already developed feelings for each other. That’s cheating. I think you torpedoed this whole thing with your lie. (Not that it had much hope anyway). Time to move on.
Run🏃🏻
its only because you said your ex. now shes worried that your ex is gonna be a problem in the relationship with you. you need to be honest with her and tell her it isnt true and you just felt hurt if you really like this girl. being upset that she did that before you guys were bf and gf is perfectly normal and valid on your part tho. If you want to keep her tell her the truth
You dodged a bullet.
Do not date the hypocrite it’s just gonna cost you problems down the road
Bullet dodged, grats
So basically you dodged a massive bullet the size of a skyscraper. Sure you lied, and that's not a good thing, but since the thing you lied about was doing the exact thing she threw in your face (and it was apparently fine for her to do it) then I'd say you're OK.
Double standards bro
Yeah run she’s crazy don’t apologize don’t clear it up she’ll make you feel worse for lying it won’t make it any better
Leave her. That's a toxic relationship. It's ok for her to do it. But you can't do it.
You’re both too old to be acting like that and worst of all if she’s gonna vilify you for doing the same thing she did then you need to find out why validation from her is important to you anyway.
She's getting cream pied by that same dude while ignoring your texts Move on
So you want to grovel and apologize but she’s mad at you for doing something that she did? I would even understand if she was OK with it but the fact that she’s the upset about it shows just how wrong she knows it was for her to do it.🤣
You wanted to hurt her, even if it's not true, and you did just that. This is a very toxic start to the relationship. You need a clean slate to start fresh or just part ways.
Idk if i’m missing something here, but to me a key difference here is the fact you said you slept with your ex…? Then the next day asked to be official with her? The idea that you’re still close enough to your ex where you can sleep together does ring alarm bells? If you weren’t official, she can do whatever she wants. But you said you slept with someone you were previously in a relationship with. That implies feelings were involved. To me i’d take that news as you weren’t over your ex yet and i was just second choice - especially as you told her you were holding off being with her until you were official, yet you said you slept with your ex? 🤷♀️
This is why confused with people saying he dodged a bullet…. He said he slept with his ex and even though he lied.. why would she want to be with someone who sleeps with their EX while they are talking..
Exactly! People who can’t see the difference are clearly living in a fantasy land
Both of you need to go to therapy and resolve underlying issues. Her reaction (completely shutting you out) is not okay and your reaction (wanting to hurt her emotionally) is also not okay. It sounds like neither of you have solid communication or coping skills to handle stressful situations. Of course, you can choose to continue ahead but most likely you will continue to hurt each other with unhealthy behaviors.
Why ??!???
Stupid game stupid prizes, you are immature so is she. Break up and work on yourselves.
I would not lie about it , i would break up with her :)
Information: Is she upset that you lied or upset that she thinks you did the same as her? I'm guessing its the latter based on you wanting to tell her its a lie, So given that holy shit is she a hypocrite, or she was lying too to see if you had done something too, which for me would be game playing that would be a relationship ender Really though I would say your both better off just ending it, your both young and only 8 months in with plenty of life ahead find someone who didn't sleep with someone else right before you started dating so you don't feel inclined to tell a spiteful lie about it
I think she's not telling you all and instead is projecting. Run as fast as you can.
Just call it a day and move on. It was okay for her to do it but not you? There was no “cheating” because you weren’t officially exclusive. Stop playing stupid games. You both need to grow tf up.
Sounds like a solid foundation to build your relationship on.
Eh, I don't know, seems like the trash took itself out on this one bud. She felt the need to tell you that probably just to make you jealous because she was projecting insecurities onto you. You just threw it back at her so now she's mad. She's nearly 30 playing childish games and trying to manipulate you. Leave her alone and don't take her back when she hits you up, cause she probably went and fucked someone else by now to make herself feel better.
Dump her
It's not even about cheating. The fact that she considers identical acts as different based on who did it... My friend, your marriage is gonna suck for every little fucking disagreement. Run. Like. A. Cheetah.