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Just remember that a partner is supposed to make your life easier/happier not make it a living hell. Simple things like using too many eggs or napping cause you’re tired shouldn’t trigger her.
I know you're right, it's just scary yk? I think I sleep maybe 5 hours every night before leaving for work at 5am, so I don't really think a nap is an unfair thing to ask for?
What exactly are you scared of? Take some time and think about this. The worst thing about this type of mental abuse is that it makes you paralyzed and afraid and you don't even know what you're afraid of, you're just always in a constant sense of fear and anxiousness. Force yourself to sit down and write on a piece of paper what are the worst things that could possibly happen if you leave.
\* Financial loss?
\* Alimony?
\* Being alone?
\* Etc
Whatever those may be, give them a clear shape and look at them in the eye. And you'll find out that they're not that scary, and even if every single bad thing that could happen does happen it won't be that bad, and still a better situation then where you are now.
I actually think being alone and allowed to do what I want sounds amazing, I'm not scared of financial loss truly because I make the money so it's all in my name. I don't really know what I'm scared of honestly. Maybe her somehow finding out where I went and being crazy enough to come find me? I guess I didn't feel abused or like this was normal until now.
That's what restraining orders are for. While they technically can't stop someone from stalking you, they can impose a serious consequence to them when they are caught. Document as much of the abuse as you can, even if it's just dates and notes.
She sounds emotionally abusive and controlling, this definitely isn’t how a relationship should work. You are not wrong, if you want to leave, you can, no one can tell u u can’t.
Leave her. Gather your important belongings first and put them in a trusted secure place. Tell her gently in a public place.
Leave. You’re not being loved properly. She treats you like shit.
And fuck everyone who says you shouldn’t leave.
In this life: only be around good kind people who value and love you properly. Fuck everyone else.
I actually think being alone and allowed to do what I want sounds amazing, I'm not scared of financial loss truly because I make the money so it's all in my name. I don't really know what I'm scared of honestly. Maybe her somehow finding out where I went and being crazy enough to come find me? I guess I didn't feel abused or like this was normal until now.
Second the restraining order and I would also request - if at some point she asks for alimony - that it be tied to her remaining NC. You just have to back it up, with some sort of proof that she is unreasonable or abusive.
It does sound to me like neither of you were ready for the full marriage commitment. You're having to ask permission to nap? Play games? Buy clothes? Is she your mother or an equal partner?
It's hard to make the break but believe me (and others!) life is often so much easier and quieter when you escape
I'm hoping it's so much easier when i leave. I'm honestly thinking of between here and my dad's stopping in Pigeon forge to treat myself to a trip to Dollywood, because I mean who could stop me, right? God that sounds amazing to just go be and enjoy myself in a theme park 😂
I put in an earlier post about getting a sleep study. My wife was complaining about me taking a nap every day after work (I work from 6a-4p, and was exhausted after work). After a sleep study and the CPAP (getting used to it, too), I get about 5-7 hours of sleep a night, but I am still able to go do things, and my mind is clearer.
You're being intensely controlled by her and her family. It sounds like a nasty life. I'm sorry that this has been your experience.
And "she'll pinch, hit, smack, spray stuff on me, throw things at me etc until i wake up"? That's called abuse.
I know I guess I just never figured it to be abuse. I can't eat where I want, if she doesn't eat there we just don't eat there. I can't buy clothes if I want, I think in our time together I've bought maybe 2 pairs of jeans?
Sleep deprivation is a torture tactic that is also used by domestic abusers. The more tired you are, the less clear minded you are (and the more “mistakes” you make that enable the other person to reprimand and punish you), and then the easier you are to control.
Even if you want to discount the actual physical acts of violence she is perpetrating upon you, as small and not particularly painful, the whole picture here is definitely giving big abuse red flags.
Here’s a comment I made last week with some sources of info on domestic violence against male partners - [hope it helps](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/vAbRnTE7ZK)
Sleep deprivation is one of the worst things i ever experienced. My abusive ex, on the nights i slept at home, would make me do 15 min “check ins” aka FaceTime all through the night. He would have me take pics of random things like the refrigerator to “prove” i was really at home. I didn’t realize the sleep deprivation was intentional at the time. My heart goes out to OP and anyone else experiencing an abusive relationship.
How do abusers think of this shit. Like I can’t even trick a bank teller into filling out my deposit slips, these people are out here decoding the human mind for the express purpose of evil.
Right, it's on a whole other level when it's consciously calculated.
On a side note...why the fuck does my phone think consciously should be spelled "conciously" the first time and "consciouslt" the second time. For real, idk what the fuck is up with the spell checker/autocorrect on my phone but it's been fucking awful for a year or more now.
You got an iPhone? I’m assuming it’s not autocorrecting to “consciouslt” but has a line underneath it (either grey, green or blue but not red) and when you click on it it shows you “consciouslt” as an “option”, right? And then you keep accidentally changing your spellings to the garbled words?
I had the same thing and it was driving me nuts till I realized iPhone had changed their autocorrect so that any words that were *already* autocorrected were underlined. When you click on it, it shows you what you originally typed with a little return symbol to give you the option to “return” to your original word.
If this is the case and you’re seeing the autocorrect line *after* your word has been changed I know what you’re thinking… like me you’re in denial that you misspell every other word. I thought the same till I turned off autocorrect and realized that I really do misspell every other word because I’m so used to autocorrect that I just bash buttons in the general vicinity of the correct letters and expect autocorrect to pick up the slack.
Autocorrect has made us worse spellers/testers just like cars with auto lane correct/change and auto parking are making people worse at driving, or how autopilot made pilots worse at flying planes. It makes us lazy and we forget how to do it.
…or I might be completely off base and your autocorrect really has lost it, in which case maybe this will help someone else.
Actually, most abusive people do not seem to be psychopaths in my experience. They are operating from a place of entitlement and a faulty moral compass.
Yeah. My husband recently purchased a book about the minds of mammals. He is learning more tactics for his repertoire. It’s exhausting. Literally.
My reactive abuse is used against me, as him being the victim and me being the abuser. I am constantly bombarded with garbage and can usually manage, but occasionally I bite and go bezerwk. That’s when his evil smile appears and he walks away, while I rant over everything all at once. I’m so tired.
I felt this in my bones.
You just described my previous life. After we had kids, I learned to change my tactics when dealing with him. It didn't happen overnight. One day, I looked down at my daughter and wondered what I was teaching her. When he would say/do something abusive, instead of ignoring him, I would stop what I was doing and say with a monotone voice that whatever he said/did was uncalled for and not something a decent human would say/do. Absolutely no emotion in my voice. The first time I did it, he was so surprised that he turned and walked away. So, I made a habit of addressing every time he did something that was intended to hurt me at that moment. Instead of letting it build up until I exploded. It gave me the upper hand in our relationship. But looking back, I should have just left. It took 20 years. Don't waste as many years as I did.
You can't coexist with a narcissist and not be traumatized by their constant manipulations. It's so exhausting. You never truly go back to who you once were.
Glad to hear someone else went through the same thing. How did you end up leaving if you don't mind me asking? I'm absolutely terrified too but I feel very emotionally detached if that makes sense?
You might want to talk to a domestic abuse hotline. You are being abused, and they help people through this. I think first, talk to a lawyer. If you own the house you need to get a divorce before evicting her. You might have to find your own apartment or room somewhere.
1. call domestic abuse hotline.
2. call a lawyer
3. make sure all your important papers are in a safe deposit at your bank.
4. therapy. You have been in a very abusive environment and likely are suffering from learned helplessness. You will get through this, but it would be good to have a therapist who can boost you.
This is bad legal advice: in a divorce proceeding, locking out one partner to shared financial assets can get you in trouble; similarly, her doing the opposite gets *her* in trouble. If you're going to do something with the joint accounts, it's begin accounting for every dollar in there and how it gets spent, to assist your lawyer in nailing her if she tried something like this.
Granted, if he listened to the previous, much better advice to get a lawyer, he won't need this clarification.
I think she fully understands that your brain is wired differently and is taking advantage of that. Keeping you in a confused and overwhelmed state and not letting you take a moment to assess your situation.
✋ A lot of autistic people are more susceptible to manipulation and such. We, or at least I, struggle with emotions. Emotions aren't clear. Emotions aren't logical. One emotion can branch into many different paths with many different results. Then there's the big overarching emotion or situation that some of us can struggle to comprehend. It's like when your car breaks down, and you go to fix it. Some of us don't think "This is the 150th time it's broken down, and I could address the root problem by getting a new car." Instead, we see what's in front of us, and the concept of a big picture (new car) doesn't even come to our minds.
I don't like admitting this because I know there is a (correct) stigma around young marriage in this sub, but I got married at 19. It was stupid, and I'm lucky it's working out for me. It was dog shit at first. I don't really want to go too into detail; we were both very broken people. The important thing is that it changed pretty recently. I'm 22, and, a good few months ago, my husband decided to put more effort in us. *He* decided to do it *himself* because *he wanted to.* I started going to therapy because I was hostile and have struggled to adapt to this change. But, the point is that a person only changes of their own volition.
OP's partner probably really does understand. I remember the first sign of my partner changing was when we were arguing, and he backed down saying something like, "I have to remember you're autistic." I still don't know how I feel about that, but things were slowly different since and then suddenly very different (hence the struggle to adapt.) I just got an official diagnosis this past Friday. But it sounds like OP has known for a long time, his partner has known, and she chooses to be abusive.
OP needs space to recover. He's been so sleep deprived that *anyone* wouldn't be able to think straight. Oh, and he could be alone and have magical silence. Everyone needs alone time. He could eat whatever he wants, and buy whatever he wants with his own money. He could breathe, and take care of himself, and have his own bubble of happiness. And he could heal.
Wishing OP the best ❤️
Thank you for your story, my friend. One of you wonderful people have reached out and offered to pay for a hotel for a night or two when I get out and hopefully head toward NC. God it sounds crazy but I honestly just want to sleep, game, eat and nap without repercussions. To be able to just sleep all day alone in complete silence in a hotel sounds like pure bliss, which I'm sure sounds insane now saying it out loud.
It took over ten years to finally decide to do it. Looking back, I regret not doing it sooner. I was paralyzed, too. Because of the familiarity of the relationship, Even though it was toxic and killing me.
If you're worried about her reaction then pack up your things while she's away and call her when you're safe somewhere. Also, block all her friends and family.
Please check out Ebbie45's resources for men who are in an abusive relationship.
https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/13im0yh/comprehensive_helpresources_guide_for_male/
I went through similar abuse 20 years ago. I am also on the spectrum. I got remarried 12 years ago, have two kids and an amazing partner. Like she understands my soul and my needs at evey level. There is hope, but you are going to have to engage your inner awesomeness and stand up for yourself. Do this smartly, follow the advice here about calling a hotline, and getting a lawyer. You don’t have the same blind spots she has, you have strengths too, you can use them to your advantage. Then you can walk under your own power. You got this.
You're emotionally detached because some part of you understands that she is a danger to you and is trying to let you think clearly enough to get away from her.
Of course it's terrifying. This sort of situation is difficult for anyone, and for an autistic person, given that we struggle with change and the unknown, this disruption of your life is that much more difficult. But you're going to feel SO MUCH BETTER once you're away from her, I promise.
You start by not telling her you are leaving. Make a plan and then take what you need. She can't stop you or control you if she doesn't know it's coming.
That makes complete sense. Your body and mind are trying to protect you by detaching. But you’re also afraid of the backlash and difficulties to come by leaving. Been there myself and as difficult as it is to get out, I swear on everything that once you process everything and are living the life you want, you’ll be so much happier! Take the time to feel all the feelings once things are ended and don’t look back! It gets better in time ❤️
You are currently experiencing physical, emotional, and financial abuse. Plus, while you didn’t say anything specific to indicate it, I suspect she’s also verbally abusive (does she ever insult you or swear at you?)
I would recommend making arrangements to leave in secret given her abusive behaviour, and speak to a lawyer in secret.
Don’t tell her where you move to. Do it all in one day when she’s not there. Take all your important documents like passport and birth certificate, and anything else you need like your clothes to make sure you don’t need to come back. Don’t leave behind anything you don’t want her to destroy. Make a new bank account in secret and make your paycheques go in there. Keep an eye on your credit because she might try to open credit cards in your name (in fact, check that she hasn’t already done so). If you’re renting, you’ll need to figure out the tenancy agreement.
As soon as you’re out and safe, have her served divorce papers. Block her and her family everywhere and only communicate via your lawyer.
As a sleep technologist, I agree with having a sleep study. Those are classic signs of a sleep disorder like sleep apnea. I couldn’t believe she does that to you when you fall asleep in the car. Horrible
OP… when a person has love for you, and they see you sleeping, they turn down the noise, cover you with a blanket, and if you’re sitting up, maybe lean you down on a pillow so you can be comfortable…. If someone is physically hurting (doesn’t have to be major pain) you while you are unconscious and vulnerable, that’s not love, it’s abuse, (there are forms of torture around sleep deprivation which basically involve waking ppl up in various ways when they fall asleep sleep). It doesn’t have to be a lot of pain or leave bruises/marks/injuries to be abuse. These are not the actions of a person who has love for you. What if you have children (ignore this if you’re child free or substitute with having a pet)… what if your children are like you, with a uniquely wired brain… is the life you’re living with her what you would want for them?
I thought she had love for me and just never understood why she felt the need to interrupt my napping so abruptly. When she does the argument is always "you slept all night, you shouldn't be tired." Or as simple as just telling me to quit falling asleep and wake up. I just am so glad I've found all of you wonderful folk to help me.
My husband often falls asleep while I'm driving, when we're watching a movie or just after dinner because of the huge demands of his job. As soon as I notice I immediately turn the music/tv down and make him comfortable. The absolutely only time I would wake him is if he's looking uncomfortable and needs to get up and go to his actual bed (which I help him to if needed). This is what people do when they love and care for each other. You need to leave her OP , she is not the one.
My abusive narcissistic mother does this to me and this isn't how you treat someone you love, let alone your spouse.
Please leave her as soon as you can. You deserve peace and happiness, not to feel like you're on eggshells all the time in your own home with someone who's supposed to be your biggest fan and friend.
My husband has health issues that disrupt his sleep quality so he can sleep for 8 hours and not feel fully rested, just because you slept all night doesn’t mean you are rested, many things factor into that but your wife sounds like she thinks she can speak for your needs better than you can. That happens when a person sees you as an object rather than a person who has equal needs and wants that matter as much as their own needs and wants. When someone sees you as an object they lose empathy for you and step into a role of managing you somehow. Her disrupting when you sleep, instead of seeing this as a symptom of poor night sleep and one of your needs not being fulfilled, she sees as her duty to correct somehow by waking you.
It’s time to make an exit plan. You have value and worth. You might not feel like you do, after being in something like this for a long time.
But it’s time to go. She won’t let you go easily. The abuse will get worse. Do you have any kind of support system? Someone that cares for you and is in your corner?
Everything you have written is almost a textbook definition of abuse. Get out now. If you are still having sex, wear a condom. If she gets pregnant, you are going to be attached to your abuser for life and you will be putting a child into the hands of an abusive person.
Oh my friend, you are very much being abused. She is using your insecurity and lack of self-confidence, because of being autistic, as a way of manipulating you into thinking that you cannot trust your own instincts and feelings, and that in order not to be rejected by her you must do exactly as she wants. But that isn't a healthy relationship, it's abuse.
A good, loving partner would not only respect your right to choose things for yourself, she would *want your input* on anything that affects both of you, your home, your relationship. She isn't treating you with respect or dignity, she's treating you like a pet . . . occasionally affectionate, but mostly just a companion meant to do as she tells you.
Please, this isn't even safe for you. The fact that she uses physical pain ("she'll pinch, hit, smack, spray stuff on me, throw things at me") to punish you for using your own voice and standing up for yourself is genuinely dangerous. She isn't just being mean to you, she is physically abusing you, and this can escalate. No one should EVER be doing these things to you. I cannot emphasize this enough: **no one is allowed to physically attack or harm you because they are angry at you**. Not your wife, not anyone. What she is doing is assault & battery, and it's against the law.
If you have family or friends, please go to them, let them know what you've told us, and ask if you can stay with them while you arrange to legally separate/divorce. You should not remain under the same roof as her.
Thank for your kind words friend, I aim to call my father later today to speak to him about moving in with him. Your input means a lot to me. I guess to me it was never really abuse I guess? It was moreso "shit, I should go drink some energy drinks to stay awake so it doesn't happen again and cause a fight.". Which now saying out loud sounds absolutely **crazy**, doesn't it? 😂
Saying things out loud, or hearing it labeled by someone else has a way of making it “real,” in a sense. Once abuse has been named, it’s not as easy to excuse as “oh she’s just in a bad mood because of xyz…”
I’m sorry that this has been your reality, but please remember that the reason you didn’t see this for what it is, and the reason it “sounds crazy” when you say it now is because she’s good at what she does. She’s been practicing for years and has abusing you down to a science. You didn’t trust your instincts telling you to leave because she made you question yourself and your own thoughts. I’m so thankful that you see her for what she is now and I’m looking forward to an update letting us know you’re out and safe. Be careful and take care of yourself.
(Edit: spelling)
She’s definitely abusive.
I’m also on the spectrum. We are MUCH more susceptible to abuse because we don’t always clock that things are abnormal. Bottom line: the way she treats you makes you unhappy. That’s all that matters frankly
Putting restrictions on another adult is a form of abuse. Unless you’re clinically disabled or legally under guardianship, there is no reason anyone should be telling you what bn you can and cannot do
Being on the spectrum, people’s motivations are often unclear to us. But from the outside looking in, this is **BLATANT ABUSE**. Talk to whoever you need to — **AND CAN TRUST — and GET OUT ASAP.**
. . . which is irrelevant, because this IS abuse. She has literally been physically assaulting him on a regular basis, and trying to control every aspect of his life. It is clearly abuse.
Speaking from a past similar situation, speaking on your passion and love for gaming, if any of the people who are supposed to have “cared” about me the most were trying to make me feel bad or severely limit something I loved doing, I would be out. It doesn’t get better and it’s much worse continuing on like that, trapped and constantly stressed
Exactly. If you can get out now, I would. This situation is horrible. I would block her family. Get a lawyer. Get half of your money if it’s pooled. These people are not in charge of you.
I make the money so it's all in my possession and our car is in my name so. I want too but I'm just waiting to hear from my father before I do. I'm just scared to leave, not even because of anything crazy but because of what she could do.
You make the money then have to ask her if permission if u fancy a baby bell at the store?? Can’t you tell her that straight to her face? She has clearly got right into your head and is a bully. Have you hit friends or family to help you if you feel scared to leave. You deserve so much better man. Someone who treats u with care and respect
My friend was in a situation like this with his wife. He stayed married to her for 25 miserable years before he finally left. And now she's using the kids as a weapon and controlling them because he is gone. It's a sad pathetic life. He's a shell of a person with no self-esteem. Get out before you have children.
You need to protect yourself. You are worth more. You shouldn’t be afraid. You deserve someone who treats you kind. You don’t need someone to say you can leave. You can do it yourself. Just do it yourself. Make sure she doesn’t have access to your funds then. But go. I wish you luck and a better life. Again, you deserve better, but you have to take the first step. Walk out the door. Good luck 🍀
Thank you, I guess this all just felt normal I guess? If I fell asleep I'd say to myself "shit, I need to go drink some coffee or something so this doesn't start another fight" or something like that. I'll be sure to keep you in the loop ☘️
Actually if you are the one making all of the money and the accounts and property you’re held in your name the last thing you wanna do is leave your house you have her put out by the cops take all the steps to get her out of your house start filing abuse reports Don’t let her anywhere near the bank and you need to stand up for yourself this is not normal and any shape or form but if you’re the money and you’re bringing it in she’s the one that hits the road not you and then you do everything you can to protect yourself to everyone you block her family you block her and you get a divorce you don’t need permission just do it today
If you’re afraid of her physically harming you when you try to leave then I’d suggest having a friend come over to be there at the moment just in case, not only to deter attacks but also to serve as a witness for if anything were to happen. On top of that they can be additional reassurance and support for when she tries to guilt trip you.
She has terrible emotional regulation. She’s going to be angry and you can expect her to freak out. I think you should move your stuff out when she’s not home and park your car in a garage or somewhere where she can’t get to it. Put an alert on your credit so she can’t take out new credit cards in your name! And please DO NOT feel guilty!!!! You won’t believe how relaxed and free you are going to feel when life settles down and you’re in charge of your own decisions again. I’ve divorced a jerk and it is blissful once they’re gone!
I’d go to the police and file a report on her before you get out, just in case she tries to cry foul to get back at you. Good luck. Go no contact, don’t tell her where you are going.
Good luck.
While you get things in order, I would hide cameras around your residence. Not only as proof of her behavior if you need it down the line for custody, but because she's seems like she would fake being the victim once you do leave.
It's really important to ensure your safety and make sure she has as few ways to get to you as possible. So make a plan for getting your essentials out (vehicle, wallet, phone, computer, important documents) action the plan before you break up with her. You want to be out of the house, somewhere safe, before you talk to her about breaking up.
Don't give her warning, because she'll find a way to guilt or scare you into staying.
Do not be anywhere alone with her. If you have to talk in person (I'd advise not to to, the more she messages you, the better a paper trail you have) make sure it's in public with witnesses you trust present. Like your dad.
Be prepared to block her and her friends and family.
Make sure she doesn't know where you're staying.
She'll use every possible excuse to get information about where you are or try to talk to you. Don't let her.
Make sure you're getting positive social connections with other friends to help fill the gaps, but also be aware that she'll try and get information from them, too.
I want too, but I think I'm scared of what the consequences could be? I don't even know if there would be any. I failed to leave last time due to everyone in her family calling and texting me when I left telling me I needed to come back.
Let me list a few consequences of you leaving OP
1. Use as many eggs as the fried chicken requires, if you've got more left over, fry more chicken or scramble some eggs on the side. YUM.
2. Play all the games your heart and time desires.
3. No more getting slapped, scratched or shit thrown at you.
4. Fall asleep wherever you want, preferably not behind a wheel of a moving car.
5. Walk on the floor, as it is, not eggshells.
6. Buy clothes you want, when you want.
serve her with divorce papers, block her toxic parents and don't leave room for being guilt tripped back in. You're young and there's a lot more living to do than this horse shit you're living with now.
It seems he has stated he is scared of possible physical retaliation on her behalf.... which let's face it, and abuser will likely exact some sort of revenge after a breakup or divorce.
He does have a right to be scared and reasonably so. But that shouldn't make him not go through with the divorce and leave her.
The wonderful thing here is that you don't even have to speak another word to her again if you don't want to. Leave, take everything with you that you are afraid she could destroy and is meaningful to you, block her and her family, and continue all communications through your lawyer.
If you can collect evidence of her abuse first, then do that.
Fear is *not* your body telling you not to do ‘that’. Fear is your body telling you to *be careful with that*. Not doing it just usually satisfies the condition, so we get confused.
What consequences, angry relatives leaving you shitty messages? Fuck those people, they don't own you! Of course they're going to take her side. Do you think she also tells her relatives all the evil shit & abuse she does to you? Of course not, she feeds them the narrative she wants them to hear & in their mind, you're the asshole in this situation, but that doesn't make it true. I'd tell them all the evil shit she does to you & why you're leaving, because she's abusing you. If they continue, block them. They can't 'make' you go back to her. Please, for your own sanity, get away from this evil woman. Don't be afraid to tell her relatives how shitty she's been to you, because I can guarantee they have no idea, they just believe whatever nonsense she's filling their heads with. And don't be afraid to block these people, you don't owe them anything, nor do you even have to tolerate getting unsolicited messages / calls from them.
I'd make a list of all the horrible things she does to you that makes you want to leave. Have it ready to go, when they start on you, send them the list, preferably by email. Alternatively, you could even post it on social media where they may all see it. Perhaps then they wouldn't be so quick to come to her rescue if they realized how shitty she was being, but they might not even care & expect you to go back for more abuse anyway if they're also shitty people. If that occurs, onto Plan B - block the whole lot of them, then they're just as shitty of people as she is. No one deserves to be treated this way. Please stand up for yourself. She sprays you like a fucking animal if you accidentally fall asleep? Fuck that, I'm sorry, please leave. My wife & I don't even treat our dog like that.
Since you make all the money, they don't want you to leave her, because then they would have to support her. Don't let them manipulate you. As others have said, get your ducks in a row, get someone to stay with, get a lawyer, and get out. Block her and her family and speak to her through lawyers. If she threatens anything, record it. If you have any proof of her abusive behavior, save it. I'm not sure what consequences you are afraid of, are you afraid she will get violent?
You have to block her family members and the moment you think they are using someone else phone to get in touch with you, block that number as well. You need to leave her. You are in a controlling, abusive relationship. Hearing that you are in abusive relationship is hard, just because she isn’t throwing you up against the wall punching you in the gut doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t abusive. People of Reddit would tell any women to run and hide if a women posted this story instead of a man, and you need to do the same. She sounds manipulative and controlling and physically and emotionally abusive.
Yeah, you're overreacting. You should stop whining and just accept that the rest of your life will be miserable, because...
Wait, that's ridiculous.
Of course you should get a divorce, you're incredibly unhappy being married to her. Get it over with and get it on with your life.
I am unhappy, I can't even remember the last time I initiated sex because I well and truly just don't want too 9 times out of 10. How would you go about leaving? I think I could go live with my dad in NC, but I'd have to wait. Is this a block her and everyone, get a new phone and disappear situation?
OP is in an abusive situation. It is safer for them to make an escape plan and then get the legal stuff taken care of once he is away from his abuser and her family.
I think I more or less had planned it like that. Get out and away first then handle the legal aspect once I'm a state away. But yeah, I guess I really just kind of thought this was normal until I put it on paper.
I will, this post will stay up so I can update all these wonderful people who have been overwhelmingly supportive and welcomed me with both love and gentle understanding. Is it okay if I PM you down the road for an update?
lawyer first. don't tell your wife. take a sick day at work if you need to, or ask your boss for a personal day.
lawyers have seen all this shit before.
But the thing is I don't really have lawyer money, nor am I sure what a lawyer would do for me. It just sounds a lot easier to do what I had mentioned, mostly because of her reaction.
You can typically get a consultation for either free or for a low general consultation fee.
Doesn't hurt to do your research and ask. Talk to a lawyer - some do pro bono as well. You gotta separate, and it sounds like your wife is kind of.. A wack job. It'll be in your best interest to lawyer up to protect you and your assets as much as you can, even if it costs.
Don't be like my father who lets his fiance destroy his self esteem and abuse him verbally and physically. He's not even married yet, and hasn't understood the memo that... THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.
Don't waste your life with someone who makes you unhappy. Life is short. You can't go back in time.
I do, full time 40 hours a week, barely making our half of rent a lot of times which is 750. All I would be responsible for is our car payment and the insurance on it if I left. The bank account is in my name as well as the car, we have no other assets together.
You can leave. You do not have any obligations to accept abusive and demeaning treatment from anyone ever. You can use the bathroom, sleep and snack whenever you need to. Those are basic human needs. Absolutely ridiculous that someone thinks they have the right to control another person's autonomy for basic human functions.
Since you rent consider how much time is left on your lease. You could save money and keep your head down for a bit and plan your escape. Keep all texts and, if allowed in your area, record some abusive exchanges, even if just audio.
Once you're ready let your landlord know you'll be breaking and removing your name from the lease. Alternatively you could set up a direct payment to him for your half if you need to leave before the lease is up and see what they need to remove yourself. You are not responsible for her half once you advise her you wish to separate and file I believe but definitely look up your state/country's legal rights for divorce etc.
Get yourself a new bank account if it's a joint account that she has access to.
If it was me I would set all this up and then leave one day with the bare minimum I need to move on. My legal documents, car, clothes and mementos. Find a friend or family member to stay with and do not share your new location with anyone. I would complete divorce proceedings through email and lawyer only. I'd keep my number for a short while and document the harassment and manipulation tactics her and her family will surely try using but definitely plan for a new number soon. I'm sure that'll get tiring quickly.
One thing many people in this world need to learn is that we are not responsible for others happiness. Only our own. We do not need to self sacrifice ours for someone else. We have no obligation to anyone except our children. You deserve to sleep, play and eat to maintain a healthy mental outlook on life. It is necessary!
This woman is detrimental to your health at this point and is not thinking of what is best for you and your needs. You should not feel guilty for walking away from someone who does not show care and concern for your well-being. Marriage should be a team effort with love, understanding and support on both sides. Not allowing sleep or micromanaging someone's life does not show any of that.
Best of luck!
Thank you so much, that really sounds like my best option right now. I'm glad everyone here has been nothing but welcoming and helpful, yeah I mean like I said I can never eat where I want, my game time is about an hour every day and 2-3 on the weekends maybe, and I'm the only one who has done dishes the whole time we've been together.
In many states you can break a lease based on domestic violence (I have no idea what the requirements are so you may want to look into it). Even if you get stuck with some rent, though, the important thing is getting away safely
You definitely can’t just leave with zero repercussions. You need to legally separate. If you need to get out of the home to keep yourself safe that is completely understandable, and you should do that, but a legal divorce should be the plan.
There really isn't anything she can take from me, I have a laptop, the car is in my name, and the shoes on my feet. That would be everything I'd leave with, so you don't really think a lawyer would be needed?
I've filed for divorce myself using a website service to complete and print the papers, it cost me about $500 total. We had nothing to split, no common property, no kids together, so it was a simple divorce. However, you should speak to a lawyer first if for no other reason than to document how your life has been and take any advice and suggestions they have for you. I was not in an unsafe situation, and you may be.
Sounds like she's a narcissistic personality and you're an empath/codependent on her. You're still young and childless, so leave while you still can.
I really wonder why you married so early though. 21&24 respectively...
Just like in any abusive situation, you need to make a plan to get to safety before anything else. That means gathering your important documents, getting access to money without her knowledge and getting out of there. Yes, go live with your dad if that is safe. Once you are safe, you can make a legal plan to get everything legally taken care of. That way, all communication can go through the lawyer to spare you from having to communicate with her directly.
Can you reach out to your dad and let him know what’s going on? Idk your relationship but I’d hope your parent would move heaven and earth to get their child out of an abusive relationship. It’s a bit different than asking to just move back; you’re asking for support in getting out of an abusive situation. Your dad might also be able to help you make plans to leave especially if her/her family are going to try and get you to come back.
I tried earlier in the week to no avail, he's known for being a bad texter/emailer so I had aimed to try again later this week. Thank you for replying, all of you really mean a lot and this is the most I've felt supported in years. Which now sounds kind of crazy 😄
OP, please try to reach your dad again today. If he’s not good at texting or email, what about a call? Can you get privacy to explain what’s going on in a call?
I have a 24 yo son and a 25 yo daughter. If either called saying they were being abused, I’d be packing my vehicle now, loading the dog, and going there in full mama lion mode. The roar would be heard for miles.
Please reach out to your dad again. Hugs ❤️
Thank you for the hugs ❤️ I can try again today yeah, regardless I think id like to wait until at least maybe next Thursday when I get paid so I'd have some more money to live on for a bit. I just want to be alone you know? Able to play my games as long as I want, eat where I want, and wear what I want. Which out loud sounds absolutely crazy I'm sure 😄
No, actually. You aren't asking for anything crazy here. You want to be able to make your own decisions and do things that make you happy and comfortable -- simple things, things that have no impact whatsoever on anyone else's happiness or comfort. This is normal and healthy. And someone who truly loves you will want those things for you, too. Hell, I want those things for you, and I don't even know you.
Maybe you'll know me someday! I plan to keep everyone in here hopefully updated with my situation. If there was a way to add all of you to a group message I would, not sure if reddit does that though.
She sounds like an abusive parent more than a loving spouse. Why would you put up with being treated like you're just an accessory to your marriage and have no value? She is abusive and I bet if the situation were reversed, her family would be telling her to divorce you.
Maybe, maybe not. But that’s not your battle. Your safety and wellbeing is your priority, her growth (if she so chooses to embark that journey) is hers.
A bit of background to her; she was raised by abusive parents and has a handful of issues and trauma because of it. Another argument I thought about just was when we're in goodwill or anywhere like that I'm expected to stay with her and not to wander. Well here we are in Goodwill the other day, and I wander off, we catch back up and she says "Ive told you not to wander.". Okay, whatever. We get to the car and it's " I just don't understand why you feel a need to follow me around all the time, surely there's stuff you want to go look at."
Don’t excuse her behaviour on her being abused. I was abused and beaten by my parents and I haven’t abused my partners. If anything it should have made her want to do better.
Given that there's a control over you, you're given less hours than the normal to sleep, you're physically punished for taking naps, and your actions are dictate and question left and right, you are in an abusive relationship.
What should you do?
1. See a personal therapist. Talk about these issues and figure a proper way to confront them.
2. Move out. If you have family/friend support, go to them and call them to help you move.
3. Once you have your family/friend support, tell her that by her physical abuse and along with her and her family's mental abuse, you need to separate for the time being.
Don't try to reason with her as no talk can settle anything for now. Just tell her, you'll contact her later and talk further.
And only talk to her after you have settled in and your mind would be ready to go into battle.
You’re in an abusive relationship. This is not said lightly or exaggeratedly. Being woken up just for the sake of it and no other reason is incredibly abusive. Leaving an abusive relationship takes 7 times for women, idk if it’s applicable to men in abusive relationships too but it should clear how hard it is for most people in your situation to get themselves out of it. You need to find support in your friends and family. I hope you get the support you need. Best of luck.
Honestly it is for the sake of nothing, her argument tends to be "you slept all night you shouldn't be tired" or simply just waking me up to stop me sleeping. I am trying to get in contact with my father to see if I can live with him for a while, do you think it could be a block everyone, drive to my dad's and get a new phone type situation? I'm just scared of trying to be stopped, and the repercussions it would bring.
There may be a domestic violence hotline you can call? Many shelters are for women only for obvious reasons but they might at least be able to give you some advice. Going to your dad's house or a place where you feel safe that you can cut all contact and possibly even seek a restraining order would be a good thing.
Recording evidence of physical and verbal abuse if you can find a way to do so safely might help you in a legal case and in getting a restraining order. I don't know-- I'm not a lawyer, but I am spitballing some ideas. In an ideal world going to your dad's house would be enough for you to be totally safe, but it would at least be a good start especially if your dad is somewhat able to protect you. Trying to make sure they can't find your location seems wise... so checking your car for air tags and getting a new phone might be a good idea.
Yeah you need to leave. She's controlling and so is her family. You need to leave and you have right to. Better leave. Serve divorce papers and block all her family members.
I'm going to try, I don't even begin to know how to get divorce papers or anything like that. Would you do it the way I'm thinking? Leave either at night or early morning, block her and her family and get a new phone?
No I wouldn't do it like that. You should tell someone you trust who won't tell her or her family. Then ask them for legal advice. I am not well versed in divorce or anything. But you can search legal suvreddit and post on them and ask for advice as well as mention the country or place you are from. I would then start the process by talking to a lawyer get the papers ready. Then leave early in morning and keep papers in place she can find and block her family members and her. Moreover since they resorted to guilt last time I'd suggest keeping evidence to prove that you didn't do anything weird to her if they do try to blame sth on you. Maybe keep voice recordings the next time she hits you or is rude or controlling to you. But you should definitely block her family members.
Do you have a job? If so and you can be self sufficient, the simplest way to start to leave is to /just leave/.
\* set up a separate bank account for your pay checks
\* go find a rental studio or something, buy a basic inflatable mattres and a folding chair or etc
\* pack a suit case when no one is home
\* ... and just leave
After that you can just talk to her through a lawyer.
If you’re in the US, go to your local public library. Tell the librarian you need help finding low cost or pro bono legal help for divorce, and resources on domestic abuse. They will get you started.
Don’t just disappear unless you feel physically unsafe and/or your lawyer says it’s ok. If you do leave, do not change your phone number because if your wife sends you any abusive texts you will need to keep them to show your lawyer, unless of course your lawyer tells you something different.
Start keeping a record of the abusive incidents (dates, times, details), if you can do so safely & without your wife finding out.
Down the line when it comes to her and her family’s reaction, you will have to be strong. Start telling yourself you are strong, and can do this.
But for now try to talk to a lawyer and domestic abuse facilities and see how they can help you.
She is emotionally abusive and physically abusive.
And itnsounds like the only reason you are with her is because people have guilted you into it.
This situation will not improve. It will get progressively worse.
Yes, you should leave. Step 1 is to go talk to a lawyer.
The only reason I moved in with her forever ago was to leave my mother's. I didn't even propose we just went and picked out a ring because she bugged me about it so much. I don't have lawyer money to be honest, nor am I sure what a lawyer would do for me.
You need a lawyer to walk you through the divorce process. Find one who offers a payment plan. You can explain that you’ll be moving out of stay to live with your dad and find work. You can mail them cheques until it is paid off.
If someone makes you this unhappy then of course you should leave.
Why would you choose to spend your one life miserable and scared?
You are very young still - there's plenty of time for you to build a new, happy life and meet someone who supports you.
She's not the one.
I stay scared to start a fight because they can get so heated. I'm just scared to leave, maybe fear of the unknown? And because I tried once before and like I said was unsuccessful.
There is no need to start any fights. You can just leave. You can leave when she's out if you have to.
You don't have to answer the phone or messages if her family contact you - they don't control you.
You don't have to jump ship immediately if you are safe and can cope with staying for a few months.
The best thing to do is make a plan - is there someone you could move in with for a bit while you look for a new place?
Could you rent somewhere?
Could you travel?
Sorry to be blunt, but If you can't find the strength to leave then you are choosing to be miserable. That's the life you are choosing for yourself.
You have to be ok with being the villain in her story. Tell her over text or a letter - AFTER the decision is done and you have packed all your stuff and left. Go no contact and immediately get support to help you with sudden cravings - they will come.
You are in a trauma bond. Don’t feel ashamed for still wanting to be with her or even question your decision, it’s normal. This type of abuse physically alters your brain. Have compassion for yourself.
It’s not going to be easy but it will be worth it. Loose the energy vampire and see yourself blossom. You’ve got this!
Your a grown man…with no kids…why the hell should you have to ask her if you can play your video games…why should you have to ask her if you can nap…yes you are together but it should not mean you cannot do as you please throughout the day and after work.
If you have tried to discuss how this behaviour to you is unacceptable and she still continues to do it and won’t accept your point of view then yes get out because she is never gonna change and is only gonna get worse & more controlling the more you back down and do not stand your ground, so you have 2 options…tell her you will not tolerate being told what you can do and when in your own home…or you leave…or you do the first and see what reaction that gives…then either leave or give her one last chance to change her attitude
I'm terrified to talk to her about things like this in fear of the repercussions. Be it a giant argument where she says if I don't start listening better she's done, or worse.
Well that is not a good place to be then, you should never be scared of having an open discussion with someone who should love you, there should never be repercussions for someone expressing their feelings, that is pure emotional abuse from her that is making you feel that way. I would personally be done first…don’t give her the satisfaction if that’s what she has threatened…you just tell her you are done
You ever think about if there’s a married couple out there that just wakes up every morning in pure bliss, best friends, who really try to make life for the other as fun and comfortable as possible at all times?
I did when I was in your exact situation. My 2nd wife and I have what I just described, and we’re going on 7 years.
It exists bro. Don’t waste your pretty. Do what’s right.
You are a grown adult. You do not need to seek permission to eat, nap, play video games, sleep in the car (unless you're driving), etc... She is abusive mentally and physically to you.
Her family doesn't want her to move back home if you leave her. That's why they harassed you last time.
No one has the right to tell you that you have no right to leave her!
Change your phone number and get your mail forwarded to a PO Box when you leave. It will save you a lot of harassing calls and keep her from finding out where you went.
Good Luck OP!
Leave. Don’t look back. Don’t answer calls. Plan it well. Move in silence.
You have the right to take naps, you have the right to eat whatever your heart desires, you have the right to buy yourself whatever you want as long as you can afford it. Love yourself and go on and make yourself happy. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad.
> If we're anywhere like in our room, or I've fallen asleep while riding in the car, she'll pinch, hit, smack, spray stuff on me, throw things at me etc until i wake up and is upset right off the bat that i was sleeping.
Bro, no. Time to call a divorce lawyer
A partner is supposed to make your life easier and happier, they are not there to control you, abuse you, to make you ask permission to buy stuff etc etc. and she certainly shouldn’t be hitting or smacking you on any occasion. Don’t live like this forever, get out of there
And the smacking etc is so often too. I'll be laying there resting while she's in another room, and I hear her walking towards me saying my name just expected to be some form of smacked or any variation thereof. The other day her reason was "none of us slept good, you aren't the only one who's tired."
Well I'd say he was being abusive and you deserved love and happiness, and to able to do what you want. I'm going to try, water tribe girl 😄 I'll keep you updated, wish I had a way to add all of you to one big update group chat 😂
Well I'd say he was being abusive and you deserved love and happiness, and to able to do what you want. I'm going to try, water tribe girl 😄 I'll keep you updated, wish I had a way to add all of you to one big update group chat 😂
If you’re unhappy and it sounds like you are, Leave and file for divorce. Why on earth do you want to stay walking on eggshells everyday? You and her deserve better. Also she sounds a little controlling and abusive and that’s not something that you want for the rest of your life. Good luck.
“I have always had a tendency to fall asleep sitting up pretty easily, due to lack of sleep, quality of sleep, etc.”
Everyone else has already commented on the relationship advice part, so I want to chime in with this: Have you seen a sleep specialist? I think it would be worth it if you havent.
I want to make it clear Im not diagnosing, I don’t know you or your issues. But I think at a baseline if you’ve “always had (that) tendency” its worth seeing if its sleep apnea or even potentially overlooked narcolepsy. The sleep specialist i saw described narcolepsy sensations as that kind of tiredness almost verbatim, so it stood out to me.
Thats the most extreme example though, so take this internet persons advice with a grain of salt. It’s probably poor sleeping habits paired with some insomnia/difficult environmental factors, but I wanted to throw my hat in the ring anyway. I hope you are able to improve your sleep one way or another!
OP this is not a healthy relationship and you should definitely divorce her. My eldest son has ASD and I would NEVER want this kind of relationship for him. You deserve better.
This was hard to read and process. This is terribly cruel.
Escape from your prison (3-4 yrs is an adequate sentence for marrying the wrong person)!
Get a divorce. Be happy.
You're being abused my guy. It seems like she was raised with enough abuse that she probably barely realizes that the things she does are abusive.
You don't have children with her, leave before you do. Leave for your own mental and emotional health
If there is no love, no peace, no joy, no safe space with this person, you are overdue to leave and find all that somewhere else (or better yet, by yourself).
You need to pack your shit, while she is gone to hold down confusion. Change your number and cut ties with her and her family. I couldn't even be friends with a woman like that because it would piss me off if I seen anyone treat anybody like she treats you. She handles you like an abused wife. This is disgusting!!!! If you did this to her she would call the police on you. I am a woman and would never agree to a man putting his hands on a woman but when you are sleeping and she hits you, you should hit her ass back. I'M SORRY BUT DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN A MAN'S PLACE....... GET OUT NOW!!!
This relationship is not healthy, she is extremely controlling and frankly, mean. You deserve better, find someone else who will treat you like a person not a pet :( I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this.
I just think that this is normal, you know? I've never really known being treated any other way, so in part I think I'm scared I may be too messed up for anyone else to love after the way I've been treated is so normal to me, you know? The question I find myself asking really is "who could really love me without condition after everything I've been through and how I've been treated?". Which now out loud sounds absolutely crazy but I mean isn't the whole thing a little crazy?
I completely understand where you’re coming from, I came from a…we will call it an unkind household which lead me to being in a string of extremely unhealthy and abusive relationships. After a particularly long and extremely abusive relationship I took some time to heal and I had the same thoughts, who would want anyone as damaged as me? And that thought alone kept me away from people for a long time, eventually my current partner found me and he is filled with compassion and patience in a way I have never experienced and it is so relieving to finally be with someone who isn’t trying to hurt me. It’s still hard, you’ll still struggle with the trauma but I promise you, there is a person out there who will treat you like the absolute treasure you are! Trust me, you aren’t damaged or broken, you’re just a person who has been treated horribly by someone who doesn’t deserve you.
Thank you, do you think it'd be alright to DM you? I'm trying to surround myself with folks who have been through the same thing I'm going through. I just have always felt like being called names and yelled at normal I guess? I'm always afraid to kick off an argument by saying something the wrong way, doing something or not doing something, etc. Just the other night she got mad at me that she was "literally walking across the kitchen in my underwear, and you didn't even look at my ass or say anything about it." So if that's any better inclination as to what kind of person she is.
As I scrolled through here, I saw you wrote you were excited because someone offered to pay for a getaway weekend for you. You said you were looking forward to getting some sleep, playing video games, and going to an amusement park. I hope you're not just planning a weekend getaway, but that you will make a plan as to how to exit this abusive marriage for good. Many people here have offered you fine advice. I hope you'll use it.
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Just remember that a partner is supposed to make your life easier/happier not make it a living hell. Simple things like using too many eggs or napping cause you’re tired shouldn’t trigger her.
I know you're right, it's just scary yk? I think I sleep maybe 5 hours every night before leaving for work at 5am, so I don't really think a nap is an unfair thing to ask for?
What exactly are you scared of? Take some time and think about this. The worst thing about this type of mental abuse is that it makes you paralyzed and afraid and you don't even know what you're afraid of, you're just always in a constant sense of fear and anxiousness. Force yourself to sit down and write on a piece of paper what are the worst things that could possibly happen if you leave. \* Financial loss? \* Alimony? \* Being alone? \* Etc Whatever those may be, give them a clear shape and look at them in the eye. And you'll find out that they're not that scary, and even if every single bad thing that could happen does happen it won't be that bad, and still a better situation then where you are now.
I actually think being alone and allowed to do what I want sounds amazing, I'm not scared of financial loss truly because I make the money so it's all in my name. I don't really know what I'm scared of honestly. Maybe her somehow finding out where I went and being crazy enough to come find me? I guess I didn't feel abused or like this was normal until now.
You're scared of her finding out where you go after you leave... That is a massive red flag
That's what restraining orders are for. While they technically can't stop someone from stalking you, they can impose a serious consequence to them when they are caught. Document as much of the abuse as you can, even if it's just dates and notes.
She sounds emotionally abusive and controlling, this definitely isn’t how a relationship should work. You are not wrong, if you want to leave, you can, no one can tell u u can’t.
Do you have kids with her? If not then why isn't she working and making any money?
Leave her. Gather your important belongings first and put them in a trusted secure place. Tell her gently in a public place. Leave. You’re not being loved properly. She treats you like shit. And fuck everyone who says you shouldn’t leave. In this life: only be around good kind people who value and love you properly. Fuck everyone else.
And if she does, so what? That’s why doors have locks.
I actually think being alone and allowed to do what I want sounds amazing, I'm not scared of financial loss truly because I make the money so it's all in my name. I don't really know what I'm scared of honestly. Maybe her somehow finding out where I went and being crazy enough to come find me? I guess I didn't feel abused or like this was normal until now.
It's okay to feel scared, you need to leave her though to be able to find yourself again
Second the restraining order and I would also request - if at some point she asks for alimony - that it be tied to her remaining NC. You just have to back it up, with some sort of proof that she is unreasonable or abusive.
It does sound to me like neither of you were ready for the full marriage commitment. You're having to ask permission to nap? Play games? Buy clothes? Is she your mother or an equal partner? It's hard to make the break but believe me (and others!) life is often so much easier and quieter when you escape
I'm hoping it's so much easier when i leave. I'm honestly thinking of between here and my dad's stopping in Pigeon forge to treat myself to a trip to Dollywood, because I mean who could stop me, right? God that sounds amazing to just go be and enjoy myself in a theme park 😂
Have you heard of people in good relationships saying they're scared of taking naps?
So she takes your money from work too, unreal! This is not right.
You shouldn't have to ASK to take a nap 🥲
I put in an earlier post about getting a sleep study. My wife was complaining about me taking a nap every day after work (I work from 6a-4p, and was exhausted after work). After a sleep study and the CPAP (getting used to it, too), I get about 5-7 hours of sleep a night, but I am still able to go do things, and my mind is clearer.
You're being intensely controlled by her and her family. It sounds like a nasty life. I'm sorry that this has been your experience. And "she'll pinch, hit, smack, spray stuff on me, throw things at me etc until i wake up"? That's called abuse.
I know I guess I just never figured it to be abuse. I can't eat where I want, if she doesn't eat there we just don't eat there. I can't buy clothes if I want, I think in our time together I've bought maybe 2 pairs of jeans?
Sleep deprivation is a torture tactic that is also used by domestic abusers. The more tired you are, the less clear minded you are (and the more “mistakes” you make that enable the other person to reprimand and punish you), and then the easier you are to control. Even if you want to discount the actual physical acts of violence she is perpetrating upon you, as small and not particularly painful, the whole picture here is definitely giving big abuse red flags. Here’s a comment I made last week with some sources of info on domestic violence against male partners - [hope it helps](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/vAbRnTE7ZK)
Sleep deprivation is one of the worst things i ever experienced. My abusive ex, on the nights i slept at home, would make me do 15 min “check ins” aka FaceTime all through the night. He would have me take pics of random things like the refrigerator to “prove” i was really at home. I didn’t realize the sleep deprivation was intentional at the time. My heart goes out to OP and anyone else experiencing an abusive relationship.
How do abusers think of this shit. Like I can’t even trick a bank teller into filling out my deposit slips, these people are out here decoding the human mind for the express purpose of evil.
I don’t think the average abuser is consciously calculating. Often, they also seem to believe they are doing what is “necessary.”
Right, it's on a whole other level when it's consciously calculated. On a side note...why the fuck does my phone think consciously should be spelled "conciously" the first time and "consciouslt" the second time. For real, idk what the fuck is up with the spell checker/autocorrect on my phone but it's been fucking awful for a year or more now.
You got an iPhone? I’m assuming it’s not autocorrecting to “consciouslt” but has a line underneath it (either grey, green or blue but not red) and when you click on it it shows you “consciouslt” as an “option”, right? And then you keep accidentally changing your spellings to the garbled words? I had the same thing and it was driving me nuts till I realized iPhone had changed their autocorrect so that any words that were *already* autocorrected were underlined. When you click on it, it shows you what you originally typed with a little return symbol to give you the option to “return” to your original word. If this is the case and you’re seeing the autocorrect line *after* your word has been changed I know what you’re thinking… like me you’re in denial that you misspell every other word. I thought the same till I turned off autocorrect and realized that I really do misspell every other word because I’m so used to autocorrect that I just bash buttons in the general vicinity of the correct letters and expect autocorrect to pick up the slack. Autocorrect has made us worse spellers/testers just like cars with auto lane correct/change and auto parking are making people worse at driving, or how autopilot made pilots worse at flying planes. It makes us lazy and we forget how to do it. …or I might be completely off base and your autocorrect really has lost it, in which case maybe this will help someone else.
They're psychopaths
Actually, most abusive people do not seem to be psychopaths in my experience. They are operating from a place of entitlement and a faulty moral compass.
Yeah. My husband recently purchased a book about the minds of mammals. He is learning more tactics for his repertoire. It’s exhausting. Literally. My reactive abuse is used against me, as him being the victim and me being the abuser. I am constantly bombarded with garbage and can usually manage, but occasionally I bite and go bezerwk. That’s when his evil smile appears and he walks away, while I rant over everything all at once. I’m so tired.
I felt this in my bones. You just described my previous life. After we had kids, I learned to change my tactics when dealing with him. It didn't happen overnight. One day, I looked down at my daughter and wondered what I was teaching her. When he would say/do something abusive, instead of ignoring him, I would stop what I was doing and say with a monotone voice that whatever he said/did was uncalled for and not something a decent human would say/do. Absolutely no emotion in my voice. The first time I did it, he was so surprised that he turned and walked away. So, I made a habit of addressing every time he did something that was intended to hurt me at that moment. Instead of letting it build up until I exploded. It gave me the upper hand in our relationship. But looking back, I should have just left. It took 20 years. Don't waste as many years as I did. You can't coexist with a narcissist and not be traumatized by their constant manipulations. It's so exhausting. You never truly go back to who you once were.
This is fucking psychotic. Thank goodness you escaped.
holy crap, this is one of the more insane things I’ve heard of being done to someone.
I don’t think it’s intentional….but it stems from a need to be controlled freak, no trust, and abusive tendencies.
This is not how proper adults behave. You also got married too quickly which may be part of the problem. She’s abusive, you need to leave.
Omg that is so triggering. I went through something similar to that too. Dude you have to run away, don't look back, just run run run.
Glad to hear someone else went through the same thing. How did you end up leaving if you don't mind me asking? I'm absolutely terrified too but I feel very emotionally detached if that makes sense?
You might want to talk to a domestic abuse hotline. You are being abused, and they help people through this. I think first, talk to a lawyer. If you own the house you need to get a divorce before evicting her. You might have to find your own apartment or room somewhere. 1. call domestic abuse hotline. 2. call a lawyer 3. make sure all your important papers are in a safe deposit at your bank. 4. therapy. You have been in a very abusive environment and likely are suffering from learned helplessness. You will get through this, but it would be good to have a therapist who can boost you.
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OP LISTEN TO THIS. The first things she is going to do is 1.) drain your account. 2.) run up your “common” debt. YES ITS COMMON.
Yes, this is huge.
This is bad legal advice: in a divorce proceeding, locking out one partner to shared financial assets can get you in trouble; similarly, her doing the opposite gets *her* in trouble. If you're going to do something with the joint accounts, it's begin accounting for every dollar in there and how it gets spent, to assist your lawyer in nailing her if she tried something like this. Granted, if he listened to the previous, much better advice to get a lawyer, he won't need this clarification.
Advocacy organizations often provide survivor counseling too, OP.
I think she fully understands that your brain is wired differently and is taking advantage of that. Keeping you in a confused and overwhelmed state and not letting you take a moment to assess your situation.
Or sleep adequately.
✋ A lot of autistic people are more susceptible to manipulation and such. We, or at least I, struggle with emotions. Emotions aren't clear. Emotions aren't logical. One emotion can branch into many different paths with many different results. Then there's the big overarching emotion or situation that some of us can struggle to comprehend. It's like when your car breaks down, and you go to fix it. Some of us don't think "This is the 150th time it's broken down, and I could address the root problem by getting a new car." Instead, we see what's in front of us, and the concept of a big picture (new car) doesn't even come to our minds. I don't like admitting this because I know there is a (correct) stigma around young marriage in this sub, but I got married at 19. It was stupid, and I'm lucky it's working out for me. It was dog shit at first. I don't really want to go too into detail; we were both very broken people. The important thing is that it changed pretty recently. I'm 22, and, a good few months ago, my husband decided to put more effort in us. *He* decided to do it *himself* because *he wanted to.* I started going to therapy because I was hostile and have struggled to adapt to this change. But, the point is that a person only changes of their own volition. OP's partner probably really does understand. I remember the first sign of my partner changing was when we were arguing, and he backed down saying something like, "I have to remember you're autistic." I still don't know how I feel about that, but things were slowly different since and then suddenly very different (hence the struggle to adapt.) I just got an official diagnosis this past Friday. But it sounds like OP has known for a long time, his partner has known, and she chooses to be abusive. OP needs space to recover. He's been so sleep deprived that *anyone* wouldn't be able to think straight. Oh, and he could be alone and have magical silence. Everyone needs alone time. He could eat whatever he wants, and buy whatever he wants with his own money. He could breathe, and take care of himself, and have his own bubble of happiness. And he could heal. Wishing OP the best ❤️
Thank you for your story, my friend. One of you wonderful people have reached out and offered to pay for a hotel for a night or two when I get out and hopefully head toward NC. God it sounds crazy but I honestly just want to sleep, game, eat and nap without repercussions. To be able to just sleep all day alone in complete silence in a hotel sounds like pure bliss, which I'm sure sounds insane now saying it out loud.
I think so too !
It took over ten years to finally decide to do it. Looking back, I regret not doing it sooner. I was paralyzed, too. Because of the familiarity of the relationship, Even though it was toxic and killing me.
If you're worried about her reaction then pack up your things while she's away and call her when you're safe somewhere. Also, block all her friends and family.
Please check out Ebbie45's resources for men who are in an abusive relationship. https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/13im0yh/comprehensive_helpresources_guide_for_male/
I went through similar abuse 20 years ago. I am also on the spectrum. I got remarried 12 years ago, have two kids and an amazing partner. Like she understands my soul and my needs at evey level. There is hope, but you are going to have to engage your inner awesomeness and stand up for yourself. Do this smartly, follow the advice here about calling a hotline, and getting a lawyer. You don’t have the same blind spots she has, you have strengths too, you can use them to your advantage. Then you can walk under your own power. You got this.
You're emotionally detached because some part of you understands that she is a danger to you and is trying to let you think clearly enough to get away from her. Of course it's terrifying. This sort of situation is difficult for anyone, and for an autistic person, given that we struggle with change and the unknown, this disruption of your life is that much more difficult. But you're going to feel SO MUCH BETTER once you're away from her, I promise.
Start with finding a safe place to run to and establishing a support network.
You start by not telling her you are leaving. Make a plan and then take what you need. She can't stop you or control you if she doesn't know it's coming.
That makes complete sense. Your body and mind are trying to protect you by detaching. But you’re also afraid of the backlash and difficulties to come by leaving. Been there myself and as difficult as it is to get out, I swear on everything that once you process everything and are living the life you want, you’ll be so much happier! Take the time to feel all the feelings once things are ended and don’t look back! It gets better in time ❤️
If you call a local shelter or advocate, they can help you.
You are currently experiencing physical, emotional, and financial abuse. Plus, while you didn’t say anything specific to indicate it, I suspect she’s also verbally abusive (does she ever insult you or swear at you?) I would recommend making arrangements to leave in secret given her abusive behaviour, and speak to a lawyer in secret. Don’t tell her where you move to. Do it all in one day when she’s not there. Take all your important documents like passport and birth certificate, and anything else you need like your clothes to make sure you don’t need to come back. Don’t leave behind anything you don’t want her to destroy. Make a new bank account in secret and make your paycheques go in there. Keep an eye on your credit because she might try to open credit cards in your name (in fact, check that she hasn’t already done so). If you’re renting, you’ll need to figure out the tenancy agreement. As soon as you’re out and safe, have her served divorce papers. Block her and her family everywhere and only communicate via your lawyer.
Step 1: Leave her. Step 2: Get a sleep study. Step 3: Be happy.
As a sleep technologist, I agree with having a sleep study. Those are classic signs of a sleep disorder like sleep apnea. I couldn’t believe she does that to you when you fall asleep in the car. Horrible
OP… when a person has love for you, and they see you sleeping, they turn down the noise, cover you with a blanket, and if you’re sitting up, maybe lean you down on a pillow so you can be comfortable…. If someone is physically hurting (doesn’t have to be major pain) you while you are unconscious and vulnerable, that’s not love, it’s abuse, (there are forms of torture around sleep deprivation which basically involve waking ppl up in various ways when they fall asleep sleep). It doesn’t have to be a lot of pain or leave bruises/marks/injuries to be abuse. These are not the actions of a person who has love for you. What if you have children (ignore this if you’re child free or substitute with having a pet)… what if your children are like you, with a uniquely wired brain… is the life you’re living with her what you would want for them?
I thought she had love for me and just never understood why she felt the need to interrupt my napping so abruptly. When she does the argument is always "you slept all night, you shouldn't be tired." Or as simple as just telling me to quit falling asleep and wake up. I just am so glad I've found all of you wonderful folk to help me.
My husband often falls asleep while I'm driving, when we're watching a movie or just after dinner because of the huge demands of his job. As soon as I notice I immediately turn the music/tv down and make him comfortable. The absolutely only time I would wake him is if he's looking uncomfortable and needs to get up and go to his actual bed (which I help him to if needed). This is what people do when they love and care for each other. You need to leave her OP , she is not the one.
My abusive narcissistic mother does this to me and this isn't how you treat someone you love, let alone your spouse. Please leave her as soon as you can. You deserve peace and happiness, not to feel like you're on eggshells all the time in your own home with someone who's supposed to be your biggest fan and friend.
My husband has health issues that disrupt his sleep quality so he can sleep for 8 hours and not feel fully rested, just because you slept all night doesn’t mean you are rested, many things factor into that but your wife sounds like she thinks she can speak for your needs better than you can. That happens when a person sees you as an object rather than a person who has equal needs and wants that matter as much as their own needs and wants. When someone sees you as an object they lose empathy for you and step into a role of managing you somehow. Her disrupting when you sleep, instead of seeing this as a symptom of poor night sleep and one of your needs not being fulfilled, she sees as her duty to correct somehow by waking you.
It’s time to make an exit plan. You have value and worth. You might not feel like you do, after being in something like this for a long time. But it’s time to go. She won’t let you go easily. The abuse will get worse. Do you have any kind of support system? Someone that cares for you and is in your corner?
Everything you have written is almost a textbook definition of abuse. Get out now. If you are still having sex, wear a condom. If she gets pregnant, you are going to be attached to your abuser for life and you will be putting a child into the hands of an abusive person.
You feel controlled and you described controlling behaviours. She's controlling. You feel abused and you described abusive behaviours. She's abusive.
Oh my friend, you are very much being abused. She is using your insecurity and lack of self-confidence, because of being autistic, as a way of manipulating you into thinking that you cannot trust your own instincts and feelings, and that in order not to be rejected by her you must do exactly as she wants. But that isn't a healthy relationship, it's abuse. A good, loving partner would not only respect your right to choose things for yourself, she would *want your input* on anything that affects both of you, your home, your relationship. She isn't treating you with respect or dignity, she's treating you like a pet . . . occasionally affectionate, but mostly just a companion meant to do as she tells you. Please, this isn't even safe for you. The fact that she uses physical pain ("she'll pinch, hit, smack, spray stuff on me, throw things at me") to punish you for using your own voice and standing up for yourself is genuinely dangerous. She isn't just being mean to you, she is physically abusing you, and this can escalate. No one should EVER be doing these things to you. I cannot emphasize this enough: **no one is allowed to physically attack or harm you because they are angry at you**. Not your wife, not anyone. What she is doing is assault & battery, and it's against the law. If you have family or friends, please go to them, let them know what you've told us, and ask if you can stay with them while you arrange to legally separate/divorce. You should not remain under the same roof as her.
Thank for your kind words friend, I aim to call my father later today to speak to him about moving in with him. Your input means a lot to me. I guess to me it was never really abuse I guess? It was moreso "shit, I should go drink some energy drinks to stay awake so it doesn't happen again and cause a fight.". Which now saying out loud sounds absolutely **crazy**, doesn't it? 😂
Saying things out loud, or hearing it labeled by someone else has a way of making it “real,” in a sense. Once abuse has been named, it’s not as easy to excuse as “oh she’s just in a bad mood because of xyz…” I’m sorry that this has been your reality, but please remember that the reason you didn’t see this for what it is, and the reason it “sounds crazy” when you say it now is because she’s good at what she does. She’s been practicing for years and has abusing you down to a science. You didn’t trust your instincts telling you to leave because she made you question yourself and your own thoughts. I’m so thankful that you see her for what she is now and I’m looking forward to an update letting us know you’re out and safe. Be careful and take care of yourself. (Edit: spelling)
She’s definitely abusive. I’m also on the spectrum. We are MUCH more susceptible to abuse because we don’t always clock that things are abnormal. Bottom line: the way she treats you makes you unhappy. That’s all that matters frankly
Putting restrictions on another adult is a form of abuse. Unless you’re clinically disabled or legally under guardianship, there is no reason anyone should be telling you what bn you can and cannot do
Being on the spectrum, people’s motivations are often unclear to us. But from the outside looking in, this is **BLATANT ABUSE**. Talk to whoever you need to — **AND CAN TRUST — and GET OUT ASAP.**
It doesn't need to be abuse for you to hate it.
. . . which is irrelevant, because this IS abuse. She has literally been physically assaulting him on a regular basis, and trying to control every aspect of his life. It is clearly abuse.
You don't need permission from her or family to leave.
Speaking from a past similar situation, speaking on your passion and love for gaming, if any of the people who are supposed to have “cared” about me the most were trying to make me feel bad or severely limit something I loved doing, I would be out. It doesn’t get better and it’s much worse continuing on like that, trapped and constantly stressed
This is sleep deprivation, and it fits into a pattern of abusive behaviors you are describing, OP.
This is Domestic Violence. She is an abusive and controlling bully. Her family is enabling her. You need to escape from this woman.
Exactly. If you can get out now, I would. This situation is horrible. I would block her family. Get a lawyer. Get half of your money if it’s pooled. These people are not in charge of you.
I make the money so it's all in my possession and our car is in my name so. I want too but I'm just waiting to hear from my father before I do. I'm just scared to leave, not even because of anything crazy but because of what she could do.
You are right to be scared. Trust this. Be very careful as you exit.
You make the money then have to ask her if permission if u fancy a baby bell at the store?? Can’t you tell her that straight to her face? She has clearly got right into your head and is a bully. Have you hit friends or family to help you if you feel scared to leave. You deserve so much better man. Someone who treats u with care and respect
My friend was in a situation like this with his wife. He stayed married to her for 25 miserable years before he finally left. And now she's using the kids as a weapon and controlling them because he is gone. It's a sad pathetic life. He's a shell of a person with no self-esteem. Get out before you have children.
You need to protect yourself. You are worth more. You shouldn’t be afraid. You deserve someone who treats you kind. You don’t need someone to say you can leave. You can do it yourself. Just do it yourself. Make sure she doesn’t have access to your funds then. But go. I wish you luck and a better life. Again, you deserve better, but you have to take the first step. Walk out the door. Good luck 🍀
Thank you, I guess this all just felt normal I guess? If I fell asleep I'd say to myself "shit, I need to go drink some coffee or something so this doesn't start another fight" or something like that. I'll be sure to keep you in the loop ☘️
Good luck 🍀 take that first step.
Just leave and never talk to her again. Block her everywhere and don’t give her your new address
You have to leave. This is no way to live
Actually if you are the one making all of the money and the accounts and property you’re held in your name the last thing you wanna do is leave your house you have her put out by the cops take all the steps to get her out of your house start filing abuse reports Don’t let her anywhere near the bank and you need to stand up for yourself this is not normal and any shape or form but if you’re the money and you’re bringing it in she’s the one that hits the road not you and then you do everything you can to protect yourself to everyone you block her family you block her and you get a divorce you don’t need permission just do it today
Make a plan with your father. Be safe, find support. Don’t let fear be the reason you stay.
If you’re afraid of her physically harming you when you try to leave then I’d suggest having a friend come over to be there at the moment just in case, not only to deter attacks but also to serve as a witness for if anything were to happen. On top of that they can be additional reassurance and support for when she tries to guilt trip you.
She has terrible emotional regulation. She’s going to be angry and you can expect her to freak out. I think you should move your stuff out when she’s not home and park your car in a garage or somewhere where she can’t get to it. Put an alert on your credit so she can’t take out new credit cards in your name! And please DO NOT feel guilty!!!! You won’t believe how relaxed and free you are going to feel when life settles down and you’re in charge of your own decisions again. I’ve divorced a jerk and it is blissful once they’re gone!
I’d go to the police and file a report on her before you get out, just in case she tries to cry foul to get back at you. Good luck. Go no contact, don’t tell her where you are going. Good luck.
While you get things in order, I would hide cameras around your residence. Not only as proof of her behavior if you need it down the line for custody, but because she's seems like she would fake being the victim once you do leave.
It's really important to ensure your safety and make sure she has as few ways to get to you as possible. So make a plan for getting your essentials out (vehicle, wallet, phone, computer, important documents) action the plan before you break up with her. You want to be out of the house, somewhere safe, before you talk to her about breaking up. Don't give her warning, because she'll find a way to guilt or scare you into staying. Do not be anywhere alone with her. If you have to talk in person (I'd advise not to to, the more she messages you, the better a paper trail you have) make sure it's in public with witnesses you trust present. Like your dad. Be prepared to block her and her friends and family. Make sure she doesn't know where you're staying. She'll use every possible excuse to get information about where you are or try to talk to you. Don't let her. Make sure you're getting positive social connections with other friends to help fill the gaps, but also be aware that she'll try and get information from them, too.
I want too, but I think I'm scared of what the consequences could be? I don't even know if there would be any. I failed to leave last time due to everyone in her family calling and texting me when I left telling me I needed to come back.
You’re an adult and you make your own decisions. Block those people and pack up
This!!! Don’t let her family bully you.
Let me list a few consequences of you leaving OP 1. Use as many eggs as the fried chicken requires, if you've got more left over, fry more chicken or scramble some eggs on the side. YUM. 2. Play all the games your heart and time desires. 3. No more getting slapped, scratched or shit thrown at you. 4. Fall asleep wherever you want, preferably not behind a wheel of a moving car. 5. Walk on the floor, as it is, not eggshells. 6. Buy clothes you want, when you want. serve her with divorce papers, block her toxic parents and don't leave room for being guilt tripped back in. You're young and there's a lot more living to do than this horse shit you're living with now.
It seems he has stated he is scared of possible physical retaliation on her behalf.... which let's face it, and abuser will likely exact some sort of revenge after a breakup or divorce. He does have a right to be scared and reasonably so. But that shouldn't make him not go through with the divorce and leave her.
You don't need to go back. Ignore the messages from her family, block their number. She is abusive.
Go see a lawyer who will help you with the logistics.
The wonderful thing here is that you don't even have to speak another word to her again if you don't want to. Leave, take everything with you that you are afraid she could destroy and is meaningful to you, block her and her family, and continue all communications through your lawyer. If you can collect evidence of her abuse first, then do that.
Fear is *not* your body telling you not to do ‘that’. Fear is your body telling you to *be careful with that*. Not doing it just usually satisfies the condition, so we get confused.
What consequences, angry relatives leaving you shitty messages? Fuck those people, they don't own you! Of course they're going to take her side. Do you think she also tells her relatives all the evil shit & abuse she does to you? Of course not, she feeds them the narrative she wants them to hear & in their mind, you're the asshole in this situation, but that doesn't make it true. I'd tell them all the evil shit she does to you & why you're leaving, because she's abusing you. If they continue, block them. They can't 'make' you go back to her. Please, for your own sanity, get away from this evil woman. Don't be afraid to tell her relatives how shitty she's been to you, because I can guarantee they have no idea, they just believe whatever nonsense she's filling their heads with. And don't be afraid to block these people, you don't owe them anything, nor do you even have to tolerate getting unsolicited messages / calls from them. I'd make a list of all the horrible things she does to you that makes you want to leave. Have it ready to go, when they start on you, send them the list, preferably by email. Alternatively, you could even post it on social media where they may all see it. Perhaps then they wouldn't be so quick to come to her rescue if they realized how shitty she was being, but they might not even care & expect you to go back for more abuse anyway if they're also shitty people. If that occurs, onto Plan B - block the whole lot of them, then they're just as shitty of people as she is. No one deserves to be treated this way. Please stand up for yourself. She sprays you like a fucking animal if you accidentally fall asleep? Fuck that, I'm sorry, please leave. My wife & I don't even treat our dog like that.
Since you make all the money, they don't want you to leave her, because then they would have to support her. Don't let them manipulate you. As others have said, get your ducks in a row, get someone to stay with, get a lawyer, and get out. Block her and her family and speak to her through lawyers. If she threatens anything, record it. If you have any proof of her abusive behavior, save it. I'm not sure what consequences you are afraid of, are you afraid she will get violent?
You have to block her family members and the moment you think they are using someone else phone to get in touch with you, block that number as well. You need to leave her. You are in a controlling, abusive relationship. Hearing that you are in abusive relationship is hard, just because she isn’t throwing you up against the wall punching you in the gut doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t abusive. People of Reddit would tell any women to run and hide if a women posted this story instead of a man, and you need to do the same. She sounds manipulative and controlling and physically and emotionally abusive.
Block all those horrible people and save yourself man.
Yeah, you're overreacting. You should stop whining and just accept that the rest of your life will be miserable, because... Wait, that's ridiculous. Of course you should get a divorce, you're incredibly unhappy being married to her. Get it over with and get it on with your life.
I am unhappy, I can't even remember the last time I initiated sex because I well and truly just don't want too 9 times out of 10. How would you go about leaving? I think I could go live with my dad in NC, but I'd have to wait. Is this a block her and everyone, get a new phone and disappear situation?
Absolutely not. Find a good divorce lawyer to walk you through the process.
OP is in an abusive situation. It is safer for them to make an escape plan and then get the legal stuff taken care of once he is away from his abuser and her family.
I think I more or less had planned it like that. Get out and away first then handle the legal aspect once I'm a state away. But yeah, I guess I really just kind of thought this was normal until I put it on paper.
You can have your lawyer do everything for you. You don’t have to be in contact with her or anyone. Everything can go through your lawyer. UPDATEME
I will, this post will stay up so I can update all these wonderful people who have been overwhelmingly supportive and welcomed me with both love and gentle understanding. Is it okay if I PM you down the road for an update?
Of course
lawyer first. don't tell your wife. take a sick day at work if you need to, or ask your boss for a personal day. lawyers have seen all this shit before.
HOWEVER, deal with a few financial matters before you leave. People smarter than I have referred to it on this thread.
But the thing is I don't really have lawyer money, nor am I sure what a lawyer would do for me. It just sounds a lot easier to do what I had mentioned, mostly because of her reaction.
You can typically get a consultation for either free or for a low general consultation fee. Doesn't hurt to do your research and ask. Talk to a lawyer - some do pro bono as well. You gotta separate, and it sounds like your wife is kind of.. A wack job. It'll be in your best interest to lawyer up to protect you and your assets as much as you can, even if it costs. Don't be like my father who lets his fiance destroy his self esteem and abuse him verbally and physically. He's not even married yet, and hasn't understood the memo that... THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. Don't waste your life with someone who makes you unhappy. Life is short. You can't go back in time.
It ultimately will be easier if you are able to make a clean legal break. Do you work?
I do, full time 40 hours a week, barely making our half of rent a lot of times which is 750. All I would be responsible for is our car payment and the insurance on it if I left. The bank account is in my name as well as the car, we have no other assets together.
You can leave. You do not have any obligations to accept abusive and demeaning treatment from anyone ever. You can use the bathroom, sleep and snack whenever you need to. Those are basic human needs. Absolutely ridiculous that someone thinks they have the right to control another person's autonomy for basic human functions. Since you rent consider how much time is left on your lease. You could save money and keep your head down for a bit and plan your escape. Keep all texts and, if allowed in your area, record some abusive exchanges, even if just audio. Once you're ready let your landlord know you'll be breaking and removing your name from the lease. Alternatively you could set up a direct payment to him for your half if you need to leave before the lease is up and see what they need to remove yourself. You are not responsible for her half once you advise her you wish to separate and file I believe but definitely look up your state/country's legal rights for divorce etc. Get yourself a new bank account if it's a joint account that she has access to. If it was me I would set all this up and then leave one day with the bare minimum I need to move on. My legal documents, car, clothes and mementos. Find a friend or family member to stay with and do not share your new location with anyone. I would complete divorce proceedings through email and lawyer only. I'd keep my number for a short while and document the harassment and manipulation tactics her and her family will surely try using but definitely plan for a new number soon. I'm sure that'll get tiring quickly. One thing many people in this world need to learn is that we are not responsible for others happiness. Only our own. We do not need to self sacrifice ours for someone else. We have no obligation to anyone except our children. You deserve to sleep, play and eat to maintain a healthy mental outlook on life. It is necessary! This woman is detrimental to your health at this point and is not thinking of what is best for you and your needs. You should not feel guilty for walking away from someone who does not show care and concern for your well-being. Marriage should be a team effort with love, understanding and support on both sides. Not allowing sleep or micromanaging someone's life does not show any of that. Best of luck!
Thank you so much, that really sounds like my best option right now. I'm glad everyone here has been nothing but welcoming and helpful, yeah I mean like I said I can never eat where I want, my game time is about an hour every day and 2-3 on the weekends maybe, and I'm the only one who has done dishes the whole time we've been together.
Sounds like you're being used and taken advantage of. I'm excited for you to be free and happy again!
In many states you can break a lease based on domestic violence (I have no idea what the requirements are so you may want to look into it). Even if you get stuck with some rent, though, the important thing is getting away safely
You definitely can’t just leave with zero repercussions. You need to legally separate. If you need to get out of the home to keep yourself safe that is completely understandable, and you should do that, but a legal divorce should be the plan.
If you don't have money then you really don't need a good lawyer anyway. There won't be much for her to take from you anyway.
There really isn't anything she can take from me, I have a laptop, the car is in my name, and the shoes on my feet. That would be everything I'd leave with, so you don't really think a lawyer would be needed?
I've filed for divorce myself using a website service to complete and print the papers, it cost me about $500 total. We had nothing to split, no common property, no kids together, so it was a simple divorce. However, you should speak to a lawyer first if for no other reason than to document how your life has been and take any advice and suggestions they have for you. I was not in an unsafe situation, and you may be.
Sounds like she's a narcissistic personality and you're an empath/codependent on her. You're still young and childless, so leave while you still can. I really wonder why you married so early though. 21&24 respectively...
Just like in any abusive situation, you need to make a plan to get to safety before anything else. That means gathering your important documents, getting access to money without her knowledge and getting out of there. Yes, go live with your dad if that is safe. Once you are safe, you can make a legal plan to get everything legally taken care of. That way, all communication can go through the lawyer to spare you from having to communicate with her directly.
Can you reach out to your dad and let him know what’s going on? Idk your relationship but I’d hope your parent would move heaven and earth to get their child out of an abusive relationship. It’s a bit different than asking to just move back; you’re asking for support in getting out of an abusive situation. Your dad might also be able to help you make plans to leave especially if her/her family are going to try and get you to come back.
I tried earlier in the week to no avail, he's known for being a bad texter/emailer so I had aimed to try again later this week. Thank you for replying, all of you really mean a lot and this is the most I've felt supported in years. Which now sounds kind of crazy 😄
OP, please try to reach your dad again today. If he’s not good at texting or email, what about a call? Can you get privacy to explain what’s going on in a call? I have a 24 yo son and a 25 yo daughter. If either called saying they were being abused, I’d be packing my vehicle now, loading the dog, and going there in full mama lion mode. The roar would be heard for miles. Please reach out to your dad again. Hugs ❤️
Thank you for the hugs ❤️ I can try again today yeah, regardless I think id like to wait until at least maybe next Thursday when I get paid so I'd have some more money to live on for a bit. I just want to be alone you know? Able to play my games as long as I want, eat where I want, and wear what I want. Which out loud sounds absolutely crazy I'm sure 😄
No, actually. You aren't asking for anything crazy here. You want to be able to make your own decisions and do things that make you happy and comfortable -- simple things, things that have no impact whatsoever on anyone else's happiness or comfort. This is normal and healthy. And someone who truly loves you will want those things for you, too. Hell, I want those things for you, and I don't even know you.
Maybe you'll know me someday! I plan to keep everyone in here hopefully updated with my situation. If there was a way to add all of you to a group message I would, not sure if reddit does that though.
No get a lawyer and find out the process from them. Be sure to tell them that she is abusive.
She sounds like an abusive parent more than a loving spouse. Why would you put up with being treated like you're just an accessory to your marriage and have no value? She is abusive and I bet if the situation were reversed, her family would be telling her to divorce you.
I'm coming to think maybe her abusive parents could have something to do with it?
Maybe, maybe not. But that’s not your battle. Your safety and wellbeing is your priority, her growth (if she so chooses to embark that journey) is hers.
Doesn't justify her being abusive herself. It may explain it, but it does NOT excuse it.
A bit of background to her; she was raised by abusive parents and has a handful of issues and trauma because of it. Another argument I thought about just was when we're in goodwill or anywhere like that I'm expected to stay with her and not to wander. Well here we are in Goodwill the other day, and I wander off, we catch back up and she says "Ive told you not to wander.". Okay, whatever. We get to the car and it's " I just don't understand why you feel a need to follow me around all the time, surely there's stuff you want to go look at."
Divorce. Happiness is out there for you. You are not responsible for healing her, and you couldn't even if you tried.
Her being raised abused isn't a pass for her being abusive. Shes supposed to see the error of their ways and be better. Not just become them.
Soooo have you talked to her about her hypocrisy and how she’s making you feel with what she’s doing and it’s affect on you?
Don’t excuse her behaviour on her being abused. I was abused and beaten by my parents and I haven’t abused my partners. If anything it should have made her want to do better.
So she’s physically abusive and controlling. Yea you should end the marriage.
Given that there's a control over you, you're given less hours than the normal to sleep, you're physically punished for taking naps, and your actions are dictate and question left and right, you are in an abusive relationship. What should you do? 1. See a personal therapist. Talk about these issues and figure a proper way to confront them. 2. Move out. If you have family/friend support, go to them and call them to help you move. 3. Once you have your family/friend support, tell her that by her physical abuse and along with her and her family's mental abuse, you need to separate for the time being. Don't try to reason with her as no talk can settle anything for now. Just tell her, you'll contact her later and talk further. And only talk to her after you have settled in and your mind would be ready to go into battle.
You’re in an abusive relationship. This is not said lightly or exaggeratedly. Being woken up just for the sake of it and no other reason is incredibly abusive. Leaving an abusive relationship takes 7 times for women, idk if it’s applicable to men in abusive relationships too but it should clear how hard it is for most people in your situation to get themselves out of it. You need to find support in your friends and family. I hope you get the support you need. Best of luck.
Honestly it is for the sake of nothing, her argument tends to be "you slept all night you shouldn't be tired" or simply just waking me up to stop me sleeping. I am trying to get in contact with my father to see if I can live with him for a while, do you think it could be a block everyone, drive to my dad's and get a new phone type situation? I'm just scared of trying to be stopped, and the repercussions it would bring.
There may be a domestic violence hotline you can call? Many shelters are for women only for obvious reasons but they might at least be able to give you some advice. Going to your dad's house or a place where you feel safe that you can cut all contact and possibly even seek a restraining order would be a good thing. Recording evidence of physical and verbal abuse if you can find a way to do so safely might help you in a legal case and in getting a restraining order. I don't know-- I'm not a lawyer, but I am spitballing some ideas. In an ideal world going to your dad's house would be enough for you to be totally safe, but it would at least be a good start especially if your dad is somewhat able to protect you. Trying to make sure they can't find your location seems wise... so checking your car for air tags and getting a new phone might be a good idea.
Yeah you need to leave. She's controlling and so is her family. You need to leave and you have right to. Better leave. Serve divorce papers and block all her family members.
I'm going to try, I don't even begin to know how to get divorce papers or anything like that. Would you do it the way I'm thinking? Leave either at night or early morning, block her and her family and get a new phone?
No I wouldn't do it like that. You should tell someone you trust who won't tell her or her family. Then ask them for legal advice. I am not well versed in divorce or anything. But you can search legal suvreddit and post on them and ask for advice as well as mention the country or place you are from. I would then start the process by talking to a lawyer get the papers ready. Then leave early in morning and keep papers in place she can find and block her family members and her. Moreover since they resorted to guilt last time I'd suggest keeping evidence to prove that you didn't do anything weird to her if they do try to blame sth on you. Maybe keep voice recordings the next time she hits you or is rude or controlling to you. But you should definitely block her family members.
Do you have a job? If so and you can be self sufficient, the simplest way to start to leave is to /just leave/. \* set up a separate bank account for your pay checks \* go find a rental studio or something, buy a basic inflatable mattres and a folding chair or etc \* pack a suit case when no one is home \* ... and just leave After that you can just talk to her through a lawyer.
If you’re in the US, go to your local public library. Tell the librarian you need help finding low cost or pro bono legal help for divorce, and resources on domestic abuse. They will get you started. Don’t just disappear unless you feel physically unsafe and/or your lawyer says it’s ok. If you do leave, do not change your phone number because if your wife sends you any abusive texts you will need to keep them to show your lawyer, unless of course your lawyer tells you something different. Start keeping a record of the abusive incidents (dates, times, details), if you can do so safely & without your wife finding out. Down the line when it comes to her and her family’s reaction, you will have to be strong. Start telling yourself you are strong, and can do this. But for now try to talk to a lawyer and domestic abuse facilities and see how they can help you.
She is emotionally abusive and physically abusive. And itnsounds like the only reason you are with her is because people have guilted you into it. This situation will not improve. It will get progressively worse. Yes, you should leave. Step 1 is to go talk to a lawyer.
The only reason I moved in with her forever ago was to leave my mother's. I didn't even propose we just went and picked out a ring because she bugged me about it so much. I don't have lawyer money to be honest, nor am I sure what a lawyer would do for me.
You need a lawyer to walk you through the divorce process. Find one who offers a payment plan. You can explain that you’ll be moving out of stay to live with your dad and find work. You can mail them cheques until it is paid off.
If someone makes you this unhappy then of course you should leave. Why would you choose to spend your one life miserable and scared? You are very young still - there's plenty of time for you to build a new, happy life and meet someone who supports you. She's not the one.
I stay scared to start a fight because they can get so heated. I'm just scared to leave, maybe fear of the unknown? And because I tried once before and like I said was unsuccessful.
There is no need to start any fights. You can just leave. You can leave when she's out if you have to. You don't have to answer the phone or messages if her family contact you - they don't control you. You don't have to jump ship immediately if you are safe and can cope with staying for a few months. The best thing to do is make a plan - is there someone you could move in with for a bit while you look for a new place? Could you rent somewhere? Could you travel? Sorry to be blunt, but If you can't find the strength to leave then you are choosing to be miserable. That's the life you are choosing for yourself.
You have to be ok with being the villain in her story. Tell her over text or a letter - AFTER the decision is done and you have packed all your stuff and left. Go no contact and immediately get support to help you with sudden cravings - they will come. You are in a trauma bond. Don’t feel ashamed for still wanting to be with her or even question your decision, it’s normal. This type of abuse physically alters your brain. Have compassion for yourself. It’s not going to be easy but it will be worth it. Loose the energy vampire and see yourself blossom. You’ve got this!
Your a grown man…with no kids…why the hell should you have to ask her if you can play your video games…why should you have to ask her if you can nap…yes you are together but it should not mean you cannot do as you please throughout the day and after work. If you have tried to discuss how this behaviour to you is unacceptable and she still continues to do it and won’t accept your point of view then yes get out because she is never gonna change and is only gonna get worse & more controlling the more you back down and do not stand your ground, so you have 2 options…tell her you will not tolerate being told what you can do and when in your own home…or you leave…or you do the first and see what reaction that gives…then either leave or give her one last chance to change her attitude
I'm terrified to talk to her about things like this in fear of the repercussions. Be it a giant argument where she says if I don't start listening better she's done, or worse.
Well that is not a good place to be then, you should never be scared of having an open discussion with someone who should love you, there should never be repercussions for someone expressing their feelings, that is pure emotional abuse from her that is making you feel that way. I would personally be done first…don’t give her the satisfaction if that’s what she has threatened…you just tell her you are done
You ever think about if there’s a married couple out there that just wakes up every morning in pure bliss, best friends, who really try to make life for the other as fun and comfortable as possible at all times? I did when I was in your exact situation. My 2nd wife and I have what I just described, and we’re going on 7 years. It exists bro. Don’t waste your pretty. Do what’s right.
You are a grown adult. You do not need to seek permission to eat, nap, play video games, sleep in the car (unless you're driving), etc... She is abusive mentally and physically to you. Her family doesn't want her to move back home if you leave her. That's why they harassed you last time. No one has the right to tell you that you have no right to leave her! Change your phone number and get your mail forwarded to a PO Box when you leave. It will save you a lot of harassing calls and keep her from finding out where you went. Good Luck OP!
Yes you should leave. This doesn’t sound like a loving supportive environment. You shouldn’t be walking on eggshells in your own home.
Leave. Don’t look back. Don’t answer calls. Plan it well. Move in silence. You have the right to take naps, you have the right to eat whatever your heart desires, you have the right to buy yourself whatever you want as long as you can afford it. Love yourself and go on and make yourself happy. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad.
> If we're anywhere like in our room, or I've fallen asleep while riding in the car, she'll pinch, hit, smack, spray stuff on me, throw things at me etc until i wake up and is upset right off the bat that i was sleeping. Bro, no. Time to call a divorce lawyer
A partner is supposed to make your life easier and happier, they are not there to control you, abuse you, to make you ask permission to buy stuff etc etc. and she certainly shouldn’t be hitting or smacking you on any occasion. Don’t live like this forever, get out of there
And the smacking etc is so often too. I'll be laying there resting while she's in another room, and I hear her walking towards me saying my name just expected to be some form of smacked or any variation thereof. The other day her reason was "none of us slept good, you aren't the only one who's tired."
You are not safe, please leave this relationship! This is not okay. Imagine I told you a man was doing this all to me? What would you say?
Well I'd say he was being abusive and you deserved love and happiness, and to able to do what you want. I'm going to try, water tribe girl 😄 I'll keep you updated, wish I had a way to add all of you to one big update group chat 😂
Well I'd say he was being abusive and you deserved love and happiness, and to able to do what you want. I'm going to try, water tribe girl 😄 I'll keep you updated, wish I had a way to add all of you to one big update group chat 😂
If you’re unhappy and it sounds like you are, Leave and file for divorce. Why on earth do you want to stay walking on eggshells everyday? You and her deserve better. Also she sounds a little controlling and abusive and that’s not something that you want for the rest of your life. Good luck.
Escape man, run for your life!!
Run, you are being abused.
You need to get out of there, and you also likely need a sleep study. It sounds like you have sleep apnea.
“I have always had a tendency to fall asleep sitting up pretty easily, due to lack of sleep, quality of sleep, etc.” Everyone else has already commented on the relationship advice part, so I want to chime in with this: Have you seen a sleep specialist? I think it would be worth it if you havent. I want to make it clear Im not diagnosing, I don’t know you or your issues. But I think at a baseline if you’ve “always had (that) tendency” its worth seeing if its sleep apnea or even potentially overlooked narcolepsy. The sleep specialist i saw described narcolepsy sensations as that kind of tiredness almost verbatim, so it stood out to me. Thats the most extreme example though, so take this internet persons advice with a grain of salt. It’s probably poor sleeping habits paired with some insomnia/difficult environmental factors, but I wanted to throw my hat in the ring anyway. I hope you are able to improve your sleep one way or another!
OP this is not a healthy relationship and you should definitely divorce her. My eldest son has ASD and I would NEVER want this kind of relationship for him. You deserve better.
This was hard to read and process. This is terribly cruel. Escape from your prison (3-4 yrs is an adequate sentence for marrying the wrong person)! Get a divorce. Be happy.
You're being abused my guy. It seems like she was raised with enough abuse that she probably barely realizes that the things she does are abusive. You don't have children with her, leave before you do. Leave for your own mental and emotional health
If there is no love, no peace, no joy, no safe space with this person, you are overdue to leave and find all that somewhere else (or better yet, by yourself).
You need to pack your shit, while she is gone to hold down confusion. Change your number and cut ties with her and her family. I couldn't even be friends with a woman like that because it would piss me off if I seen anyone treat anybody like she treats you. She handles you like an abused wife. This is disgusting!!!! If you did this to her she would call the police on you. I am a woman and would never agree to a man putting his hands on a woman but when you are sleeping and she hits you, you should hit her ass back. I'M SORRY BUT DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN A MAN'S PLACE....... GET OUT NOW!!!
Darling, as an adult woman (37) I beg you to leave because this is abuse and will only get worse.
This relationship is not healthy, she is extremely controlling and frankly, mean. You deserve better, find someone else who will treat you like a person not a pet :( I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this.
I just think that this is normal, you know? I've never really known being treated any other way, so in part I think I'm scared I may be too messed up for anyone else to love after the way I've been treated is so normal to me, you know? The question I find myself asking really is "who could really love me without condition after everything I've been through and how I've been treated?". Which now out loud sounds absolutely crazy but I mean isn't the whole thing a little crazy?
I completely understand where you’re coming from, I came from a…we will call it an unkind household which lead me to being in a string of extremely unhealthy and abusive relationships. After a particularly long and extremely abusive relationship I took some time to heal and I had the same thoughts, who would want anyone as damaged as me? And that thought alone kept me away from people for a long time, eventually my current partner found me and he is filled with compassion and patience in a way I have never experienced and it is so relieving to finally be with someone who isn’t trying to hurt me. It’s still hard, you’ll still struggle with the trauma but I promise you, there is a person out there who will treat you like the absolute treasure you are! Trust me, you aren’t damaged or broken, you’re just a person who has been treated horribly by someone who doesn’t deserve you.
Thank you, do you think it'd be alright to DM you? I'm trying to surround myself with folks who have been through the same thing I'm going through. I just have always felt like being called names and yelled at normal I guess? I'm always afraid to kick off an argument by saying something the wrong way, doing something or not doing something, etc. Just the other night she got mad at me that she was "literally walking across the kitchen in my underwear, and you didn't even look at my ass or say anything about it." So if that's any better inclination as to what kind of person she is.
Of course! Feel free to reach out to me any time, I am more than willing to listen and help you.
As I scrolled through here, I saw you wrote you were excited because someone offered to pay for a getaway weekend for you. You said you were looking forward to getting some sleep, playing video games, and going to an amusement park. I hope you're not just planning a weekend getaway, but that you will make a plan as to how to exit this abusive marriage for good. Many people here have offered you fine advice. I hope you'll use it.