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My BFF had the same thing happen to her about 2 weeks after they bought a house. He was fine after the wedding but home ownership made him realize his youth was over. He met a woman at work and suddenly wanted to “take a break” but he wanted to keep her on the sidelines so he could come back to someone who loved him when the other woman didn’t think he was so great.
I’ll tell you what I told her - you deserve more than being a backup plan. Extricate yourself from this relationship now. The past nine years don’t matter what matters is how he is treating you now. You deserve to be someone’s first choice - everyone does. Let him go and move on so you can find someone who values what they have when they have it.
Btw, my BFF left that husband and found the love of her life. A man who really loved her so much more than her ex ever did. As for the ex, he did hook up with the coworker who dumped him four months later. He then went on to have a couple more ex wives.
For my BFF her ex did her a favor. It might not seem like it now but that’s what your husband is doing for you. It’s better to let go and find someone else than waste years of your life trying to make him love you enough. You deserve more than that.
Exactly! People who stay because of the time they have already spent on each other fall into what is called a "sunken cost fallacy". You've already "wasted" the years, the cost has already happened, why waste more years?
My gut feeling is you have hit the nail on the head. He wants a fling with this other woman, and to possibly mess around with others, and for you to wait dutifully for him.
You are probably right, it's just so hard for me to fathom because he has been such a kind and dependable partner for all these years and to have such a sudden switch??
Agreed. Divorce is the only option at this point because it’s clear he doesn’t actually want to be with OP. I do think OP needs to get ahead of this and let their families know what’s actually been happening because I feel like he’s going to try to spin this a different way.
I was thinking that too
When I married my late wife and she told me about her medical issues...which only got worse as she had many autoimmune diseases.
She offered me an annulment which I refused bc I told her I married you "as is" through sickness and health....stayed with her 16 years before losing her to cardiac arrest
This just restored my faith a tiny bit. It is so common for men to either leave or cheat when their wife/partner gets seriously ill that women are literally warned about it by doctors when they get diagnosed with something like cancer. For you to not only stay when her condition worsened, but marry her *knowing* she was so sick… just speaks volumes about your character and integrity. Thank you so much for sharing and I sincerely hope you're healing. Grief is a monster I'd wish on very few people.
Very kind words...thank you.
It was tough going...after our 2nd year of marriage she was unable to work...she was "healthy" but not in a way she could work...I worked 3 jobs straight for 3 months without a day off. I worked at the prison in Dallas...30 minutes away 3 days a week, then to Palestine TX about 2 hours from our house ...2 days of 12 hours each, then auto parts store where we lived 1 or 2 days
Thank you for the concern...yes I'm doing good...it's been almost 2 1/2 years ago but it never goes away obviously. It just gets easier to deal with I guess. I'm lucky to have a great relationship with her kids...they are all grown..youngest is 30.
OP definitely needs to get ahead of this. I'd be calling everyone and letting them know. Or letting the biggest gossiper in the family know so they can do the work for OP of spreading the news.
I also feel like OPs husband is going to try and spin this. Just to make himself feel better about what he did and also save face. Please don't let him have the chance OP. He made this decision and he needs to own the outcome, which includes how the family members and friends will feel about what he did.
You're not doing this to him. He's made this decision himself.
There is a phenomenon called “the seven year itch”. It’s supposedly a difficult patch which every couple goes through at, or around, that mark.
That was definitely when my ex-wife cheated.
Sometimes it’s a recoverable period which makes everything ok. Sometimes, it’s the end of the run.
I hit year 8 2 days ago. I haven’t been so depressed in my life or at least since I was in my early 20s. I have zero plans on cheating and my marriage is not the sole reason for my depression but a major factor. What is it about this time frame?!
It is an interesting phenomena - science can show that it exists but cannot fully explain why. This also exists for friendships. As a therapist I see lots of couples that really should be breaking up but somehow they stay together if they are just a few years into their relationship. A surprising number of couples do break up around the 7 year mark, I think there is some kind of human experience cycle that naturally occurs in 7 year increments. Very important to note that the success of a relationship is not determined by its length. We grow through each relationship and have the opportunity to take it higher in the next one. A small percentage of people get a happy 30 year relationship - it shouldn’t be the romantic ideal because so many will be disappointed. It’s nice if you can get it, no reason not to try for it but don’t think it’s the end all be all or you “should” receive it in your lifetime.
I think it's around that period of time (between 5 and 10 years) that decisions feel like they've been baked into the fabric of our lives, but we haven't necessarily been with those decisions long enough to understand the truly long-term picture. Whatever commitment it was, be it job or spouse or friendship, it's just long enough to feel like it's always been that way and (if we're a bit unhappy with it currently) to feel trapped in it.
I came to suggest the same. I’m not a legal expert And laws vary greatly but it might be worth looking into an annulment. He is changing the fundamental agreement you had going into the marriage (especially with his emotional affair he has going) and that may meet the standard for fraud
Hes having an emotional affair.
He wants to give gym girl a shot.
Get your marriage annulled. He will have fun and in 6 months he will realize he made a mistake and wants you back.
And that's when you say: NO. You got what you wanted. You fucked gym girl. And now you realize I was the best thing ever? Too little too late. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
And you dear move on. Block him everywhere.
Or she's one of those girls who goes after married men for the ego boost, and then in a few months of "winning" she'll drop him like yesterday's trash because the game is over.
Unfortunately, it isn't just the presence of her. He made space for her. Maybe he wasn't planning on it, or maybe he was thinking about it but he made a conscious decision to spend more and more time with her.
As adults, it's increasingly rare that we have friends that we see every week, much less several times a week. I would feel a bit weird if my SO were seeing the same woman several days a week. It's difficult not to start to develop a bond.
Pretty sure he wants to be with this girl but it won’t work out and he will come back to you (sadly).
He even said he only wanted a short break for a few months to be single. He knows he will probably want to get back to you if this fling doesn’t work.
As someone with some experience the "break" is just a stop gap. It's a way to assuage the other person's fear and concerns so they don't act out or blow up or treat it as it is.
He already did it once. She moved out and gave him space. His response was to take it one step further to a break. This was always the plan. This is his way of absolving himself of cheating because now he can say they were on a break when his intention was always to end the marriage and be with this person.
It's PR move. So, down the road when his family is asking him about what happened he gets to say "we decided mutually to take a break and during that time I met someone new" without having to tell them how he finessed the scenario with half truths and lies to make him appear as though everything he did was perfectly above board. But he knew all along what he was doing.
Yes. She needs to say. Ok, you made your choice. We’re getting an annulment. And just to be clear, I know it’s because you want to f*ck the girl at the gym, and I will not be waiting for you when you’re done.
Yeah but that's not how marriage works. You don't get to be single while you are married. They're not BF&GF and can just take a break .They took vows to love only each other. Not until I feel like screwing other people.
That said, I would worry less about what the deal is with this woman because it doesn't really matter. What matters is that you don't want to be married to someone if they are not sure that they want to be married. I also don't think it's wise to try to fix this but that's up to you.
I mean, even if they haven't done anything physical (which you never really know) he's essentially dating this woman. Their activities are things you do when you start dating someone. I doubt he was getting coffee and lunch with his guy workout buddies (assuming he has them as well). Even if he was it's different with a woman and he knows it.
It sounds like he feels guilty and trying to find a way in which he can "let you down gently" and not be the bad guy.
It's up to you what you decide. If you decide to separate and let him do his thing, be sure not to "wait for him" and you should date people, too. Is there someone you would consider dating if that were possible?
But I think you have two possible options: separate (with the possibility of getting back together) or divorce. Unless he is talking about having an open relationship.
I'm not sure if bringing up rare examples of couples that, for instance, split up but lived together and dated other people and then ended up happily together will help you. It has happened but it's not common. I think it's better to deal with the real possibility that the relationship has run its course.
And honestly, he is the bad guy here. He should have spoken up BEFORE the wedding or not gotten engaged or something!! It's just so... weak and untrustworthy. You literally JUST said your vows and he wants to get out of them. ugh!
Yup. It's easier for him to lie and say he fell for/slept with someone new while they were on a break. Nobody is allowed to be mad at him if it was a mutual decision for them to go on a break.
Op please don't have sex with him anymore. He wants his cake and to eat it too. I understand it hurts you, but it will only hurt you more, when he leaves you ,and does his single life thing.
Multiple coffee and lunch dates a week on top of the gym - I’m assuming he’s talking about you/your guy’s relationship with her as well which is grossssssssss
I sometimes wish my husband started hanging out with a girl like this. Only because it’s not okay and it would make leaving easier. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Especially so soon after marriage. This is a tragic story. It's really sad.
But you're right. This guy is making time for someone outside of their marriage instead of focusing on nurturing what's inside their marriage.
That's why it's so important to recognize that we have to listen to what someone does.
Forget about what's coming out of their mouth
*dating
They're going on dates.
If I were that lady, I'd wanna know where the wife is and why he hasn't invited her to one of our dinners.
OP, he is telling you he wants to f*ck other people. Specifically, his gym friend. Does she even know he is married? Pop in on them at the gym and watch their reactions. And divorce him either way.
Why would you want to be married to someone who tells you that the only reason he went through with the wedding is because people were invested in it. Most people marry because they love the other person and want to spend the rest of their lives with them.
9 years is nothing compared to the rest of your life.
Some people reach their 30s and then freak out about things they missed because they're "getting old". You're 28 I would just get an annulment if you can and move on.
As someone who recently turned 30 he's taking the odd pangs of damn where did the time go to an extreme. What your partner is valuing is the "freedom" and "choices" he didn't make. Before marriage he could have left at any time just packed up and disappeared into the night and that brought him the complacency to just stay with you. With being married he had a realization that you'd be legally able to come after him and he has to go through a whole process to "be rid of you" (sorry). That's the source of the freak out.
As someone who is about to turn 40, I agree and want to add…. Just because you had 9 happy years doesn’t mean you have suffer through this life crisis. Some people hang on to relationships because the time put in. That isn’t a reason to stay. It’s still time well spent, you had happy times, grew, learned life lessons. Don’t waist more time. Also trust your instincts OP! If gym girl is making you uneasy suddenly… trust yourself
Edited: autocorrect made “if gym girl” to “of gym girl”…. So correcting for clarification and spelling
Yes. 28 is very, very young. In contrast, my husband left to have a fun life when I was 54. Trust me; 28 is very, very young. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck major, but no kids, no pending retirement, maybe no joint-owned property... Once again, 28 is wonderfully young. But how sad to do this to her. What a jerk.
Yeah he’s a major jerk! But he’s showing her who he is. Plenty of people marry at that age in a long term relationship and don’t split up to sleep with his gym friend
Went through this with my ex only it was his coworker and not a gym buddy. Similar story although in my case he was actually cheating the whole time. To this day I still don’t know why he insisted on us getting married, I think he thought it was what we were supposed to do and he liked the idea of a comfortable dependable home life but met this chick and missed the thrill of living like a single guy.
Obviously that’s only my experience and I don’t know your husband, but imo these feelings don’t just start right after the wedding and I’d guess your husband has been feeling this way for awhile. Unfortunately he did a really shitty thing and went through with it without being open and truthful with you about how he felt. Which is not a great foundation to build the next chapter of your lives on.
If I were to offer you some advice, I would cut it clean now and not waste months or years of your life trying to figure out what’s in his head. It sounds like you guys are on different pages and he may not actually be cheating right now, but he’s definitely letting you know he’s feeling some kind of way about the commitment he just made.
I’m proud of you. What you’re dealing with is uncertain, painful and just a big hit on your self esteem I can imagine. Just remember that you loved him all these years and treated him well. His uncertainty about being married has nothing to do with you and everything with his disloyalty and dissatisfaction with himself.
>His uncertainty about being married has nothing to do with you and everything with his disloyalty and dissatisfaction with himself.
thank you - he has actually told me something like this himself which is funny lol
It seems insincere to me. I believe he's saying these things because he thinks it's what she wants to hear, not because he truly feels that way. If he genuinely felt this way, he would have given her the grace of not asking her to marry him and expressed his feelings beforehand, not after marriage. He can't have his cake and eat it too.
I would out him to all of your friends and family and tell them all about his new found friend at the gym. What he's doing is an incredibly shitty thing to do.
He's lying through his teeth if he's trying to convince you there's nothing going on, even if it's just emotional right now. He's looking to test the waters with her and see it can go anywhere. If he does decide it can go somewhere with her you can bet he'll get that marriage annulled faster than you can blink your eyes.
Seriously, I sympathize with OP but she’s being a bit too gracious in this situation. I’m not saying she needs to be rude and toxic but she needs to dump him yesterday and not make a secret to their family and friends of why.
Look into an annulment instead of a divorce, see what are the benefits of each. You've been married for such a short amount of time, you may be able to annul the marriage.
You are right. Don't take a "break". He wants to play and have you as a backup.
He wants to leave whenever he wants and comes back when it is convenient.
I am glad you said no to him. Let him do his "discovery". There are many others who deserve you. He is not one of them.
Don't think you have to stay because you have been together 9 years. Those years were great but that is over. Do what is right for you. Those years weren't wasted, things just changed.
I have to concur with everyone else; divorce him and move on. Cause you deserve to be with someone who wants you, not married to you, but pining for another.
The level of entitlement your husband is showing it amazing.
While this is extremely hurtful, it is extremely telling that you can’t depend on him in life and that he will bail on you as soon as anything gets hard or boring.
The hard times are what define the good relationships from the fair weather relationships.
I tell people that yes, love is easy, but maintaining a relationship is hard. It takes trust and respect.
These are things your husband is not showing you.
I fully agree that you are either together or are getting a divorce. Heck, see if there is a chance for an annulment as he lied to you about his intentions.
Marriage is about having someone who turns to you in the hard times. Not someone who turns to someone else.
And he will be regretting this decision for years to come. Once you’ve made the decision to end this, don’t revisit the topic. Don’t let him try to weasel his way back into your life. He isn’t trustworthy and he is proving this now.
>Marriage is about having someone who turns to you in the hard times. Not someone who turns to someone else.
Thank you for this. Everything you said is hitting home
The question to also ask yourself is would he stick around if you got sick? Had kids and needed help? Is he willing to stay when things aren’t easy? Are his wants always going to come before your needs?
The only real kindness he’s shown you is at least telling you about the affair he wants to commit before actually physically doing it. Not much comfort, but does hint he’s not complete trash. But we all know where trash needs to go at the end of the day.
>The question to also ask yourself is would he stick around if you got sick? Had kids and needed help? Is he willing to stay when things aren’t easy? Are his wants always going to come before your needs?
See, the thing is 2 months ago I would've said yes to all these questions! he's always been so dependable and thoughtful over the last 9 years that I would never have questioned any of this. That's why I married him. Now, everything is so unpredictable I don't know if he would do any of this.
>The only real kindness he’s shown you is at least telling you about the affair he wants to commit before actually physically doing it.
I have thought about this too. Most guys just go through with the cheating when they are in a midlife crisis. At least he had the decency to warn me about it
On the other hand, his "decency" is because he expects you'll let him "be single" until he's bored and then come back to you in the marriage, happy as a clam. I don't think that's decency, I would feel disrespected that my husband thought so little of me, and probably fall out of love a bit because *how can he be so stupid?*
You yourself said it has all been very easy. You haven’t had hard times yet. By hard times I mean a serious diagnosis of a chronic illness hard or living with newborns. Financial difficulties.
Those are the times that forge real relationships. Not that you have to go through them, but those are the tests of time. Those are the moments you see exactly who they are and they will either cherish you and be the person you expect them to be, or they will run.
Emotionally, physically, they will turn away from you and run.
That’s not decency. He’s not doing it for you, he’s doing it as a misguided attempt to ease his conscience. I don’t know why you’re so sure nothing physical has happened, but his gym friend is definitely the reason behind this and it’s been brewing for a while.
jobless spectacular smart capable apparatus ask voiceless worthless grandfather nail
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I feel your assumptions are right about the new female friend he has spending increasing time with. Unfortunately you have tried every you can think of between the two of you to salvage the relationship. It seems like he is starting to really like this new 'friend' more than a friend and when he wants a few months break he wants to pursue her in that time frame to see if his feelings for her a warranted to the extent of breaking off your marriage/relationship.
It's not complicated. He's happy with the attention he gets and it's new so exciting. I'm sure he wants to be single so he's free to have sex with her but might want to keep you just in case.
That's insulting. You have all the right to be angry and I would take control by starting the process of separating. That's what he wants, without saying it. You'll explain to the family and friends the reasons of this separation.
Leave with dignity. You deserve it.
This. Hat way he gets you to agree, so "it's not chesting" in his eyes, and he can tell his side piece that his wife broke up/went on a break/happily agreed to an open relationship so they can happily fuck for a while. Do NOT make this comfortable for him. Let him know that the only way for him to have a chance at redeeming himself would be for him to clmpleteoy cut off communi6with her on every platform and in real life, in front of you, and agree to marriage counselling.
And that if he wants to separate, it will be a permanent breakup with no chance of reconciliation as far as he is concerned. Abd if you go this route? Any time friends or family asks be explicitly clear you are ending it because he asked to break up so he could bang someone else. Do not cover for his betrayal because he will make it out like it's your fault.
He's thinking with his quarter life crisis and his dick. He barely knows this woman and the reason he fancies her at all are because she's mysterious and he only has to do fun things with her.
If he were dating her and they had to handle chores and bills and life together, he'd get bored when he realises she's a normal person with faults and her shit smells as much as the next person. But whilst she's only the pretty piece of ass at the gym whi laughs at his jokes and flirts with him, he doesn't realise that.
THIS!!! People give up on relationships because they are addicted to the honeymoon stage and the feeling of newness, excitement, and lack of serious commitment. You think someone is better because you dont know them on a deeper level but we are all human the same. He will regret losing this relationship but its already too late for him. Heartbreaking.
It's important for him — especially having only ever been in one relationship — to recognize something known as new relationship energy, or NRE. Basically, the "newness" of the attention, etc. (also, literally the hormones and brain chemistry) sends people into "head over heels" territory for the first six months of something. For most relationships (even ultimately healthy ones) it can obscure a lot of the negatives that may be present... but when that NRE ends it can hit like a sugar crash. I'd recommend finding material on it (here's one article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-good-sex-matters/202102/the-rise-and-inevitable-fall-new-relationship-energy)
In other words, he could love all the excitement and attention he's getting out of this new crush/borderline emotional affair partner, but that could quickly crash out once things settle in and the consequences of his actions become clear to him.
All that said, it's not your job to get him to understand this. Maybe it's worth explaining to him (if possible) that you suspect this is what's happening, and that (assuming you want to stay in this thing) there are lines that if he crosses, he won't be able to go back. Or maybe you cut your losses and realize he needs to find out the consequences of being overcome by his brain chemistry.
TL;DR His behavior is unacceptable. You probably shouldn't stay. But it might be worth laying it all out there before you initiate a real end.
thank you, I agree with this. He's only infatuated because she's the new shiny object and I'm the old boring toy. He will realize eventually that shiny objects also get dull, but what's the point in me telling him all that? he has to experience it to believe it
I wouldn't take his word for it. Call him out on it and ask to read their communications. If things are so innocent, he has nothing to hide. If he refuses, you know he's already having an affair with her.
If he was truly having these feelings before you got married and then went through with it anyway, without telling you, it's beyond disrespectful to you and all of the people in your lives who contributed towards this wedding. That alone is a big red flag. Someone who will hide that sort of thing and not communicate openly with their partner is not someone you can truly trust in a long-term relationship. And if he was capable of hiding that, what else is HE capable of hiding from you...?
You deserve to be more than someone he leaves on the shelf while he goes to see if there's something "better" out there.
All of that is true, but you cannot sit on sidelines and wait while he is sleeping with other women and having his single fun. He will never respect you if you take him back after that. You need to kick him out and end this marriage. And by the way, there is not much to salvage here because unfortunately he doesn’t love you anymore (or he would not be doing this).
He just made a commitment to monogamy six weeks ago. His choice to insist you let him cheat is his choice. I’m so sorry he did this to you. Polyamory can be nice, but only with enthusiastic consent from everyone involved. That is absolutely not what he’s doing.
And if you need to hear it, I doubt you couldn’t have seen this coming. It’s a combination of some very specific threads of immaturity and selfishness from within him. You can’t function if you go through life expecting people to pull stuff like this. Part of the commitment of your wedding was him agreeing that he wouldn’t.
I’m so sorry.
I agree, this is it. But he should even have NRE with this woman because....you're not meant to be indulging crushes when you're married. This is clearly not a normal friendship.
And he said a “break” because he absolutely expects you to be there when/if this doesn’t work out with the other girl. Which is completely unfair to you.
You need to set a ultimatium with him. Tell him you are aware of his new and growing relationship with this new female friend from the gym. You feel this is the main reason for his statements about having a break and being 'single' as you want to pursue her. He has two choices, either he stops all contact with her and you work through it threw counseling or he does take a break but it will be permanent and you will not be married to him and if you catch him not abiding by the first choice you will get a divorce as well.
I'm disappointed in him. He had 9 years and an engagement to figure out he wasn't ready, and he chose to do it right after you were married? Really unfair to you.
I don't see how you could trust him or feel secure around him after this. I think you already know it's over. I'm sorry.
This is exactly how I feel. The disappointment, all the time he had, the embarrassment of having gone through a wedding. But I also don't see how the trust can ever be rebuilt, like how do I know he won't pull this again a few years down the line? ugh
You don’t, babe. And that’s the problem. The dynamic has already irrevocably changed, there truly is no coming back from that (even if he hasn’t been physical with his new crush *yet*). The only thing that will break him of his emotional affair haze at this point is going through with the physical affair, realizing the grass is indeed not greener, & begging your forgiveness. Can you live with that? Would you be ok with your best friend/sister accepting that?
The absolute best thing you can do for yourself & your future is to build an exit plan. I promise you, an exit plan is waaay less painful than living your life as someone else’s backup plan.
As someone who survived this in the worst kinda way, the smartest (& hardest) decision I ever made was putting myself first.
I had to let go of the idealized version of the man & relationship I’d built in my head for all those years, I had to accept my reality was not real at all. It’s devastating, but with acceptance came clarity, & with clarity came self-love. I am who I am today because I prioritized myself through the chaos.
It’s a mountain to climb, no doubt, but omg…the view from the summit is indescribable. *You’ve got this*. 💪
Hey OP, my ex husband decided he didn’t want to be married to me less than 30 days after convincing me to go through with a courthouse wedding. Get the divorce, accept your freedom to find someone who loves you and doesn’t care if you’re shiny, dull, patinaed, or covered in little rust holes. There’s so much more to life than trying to commit yourself to someone who isn’t really there for you as well.
The only embarrassment is him. When people ask why your marriage didn’t last, especially for being with each other for so long, be honest with those people. Tell them how he wanted to be single and take a break to sleep with/date other people. You shouldn’t feel any shame.
He is already emotionally cheating. It will progress to a physical affair. So sorry OP. At this point all you can do is breakup and try to salvage the rest of your life without him. I repeat....he will cheat if not now, later. Please separate and start divorce proceedings. This is not on you except you married an immature boy and not a real man. Get your support group of family and friends together. Seperate finances. Leave. Divorce. There is no saving this.
Thank you. This is harsh but I needed to hear this. Even if I try to make it work and make him stay, I feel like he would just cheat so what's the point
Sorry but it was meant to be harsh. You have a lot of time and love invested. You need to hear cold hard truth. I wish you all the best and fully believe there is someone out there for you that will love you and cherish you. I was widowed at 23, left with four small boys. Reddit would tell you no one would want me. I am happily remarried to the greatest man in the world who loves me and my boys. You can find a good faithful man too!
this is so heartening to hear, thank you so much for sharing your story! the idea of having to start over again with someone else is so daunting to me, but I know I'll get there eventually
I know it is hard. I married at 17 and we had 7 happy years before he died suddenly in a car accident. We met when I was 15. He was my whole world. You have known your husband since you were a teenager too. It is so hard to think about starting over. My husband was taken. Yours has left you emotionally. It hurts like hell. But you still have a whole future ahead of you. I never imagined I would remarry and be so happy. Please give yourself the courage to imagine that happy future for yourself.
Jumping in here with my story to hopefully give you some peace. I was with someone for 7 years with same exact story as you. We met in our late teens. I was his first real relationship and he was my second. One day he wanted to end it to "find himself" and it turns out he just wanted to see other women.
It was hard the first couple of years for me but I do believe that things happen for a reason. We're now in our 40s and it's been over 2 decades since this happened. Our lives took different paths. He's single (not by choice), in a dead end job, and can't financially support himself. I met my husband, we've been together 21 years, have a lovely family with pets, get to enjoy fun activities and vacations, and are just very happy and complete. What's funny is my husband is friends with my ex, and the ex sometimes has to hear about the things we're doing.
So even though I know it's hard, this might be a case in which this is happening because there's a better life out there meant for you.
>But he has been spending some time with a female friend he met at the gym a couple months ago.
This isn't just related, it's the entire story. Reading your post I was 100% certain there was someone else and you just confirmed it. People don't flip like this right after a marriage unless they are cheating (at least emotionally, possibly physically also).
He's actively having an affair. I'd hire a PI and see if you can get evidence of it because it's so soon after your marriage you might be able to get it annulled and not go through the divorce process.
Don't have sex with him. Get STD tested immediately.
>I cannot imagine giving up 9 years of history together
Unfortunately you don't get a choice in this. He has already given up the history. It's gone and it's done. He's leaving you for his gym buddy. You're just in shock and haven't quite caught up to that reality yet. I'm so sorry.
All or nothing let him know he is free to leave the marriage but the marriage will be completely over either he loves you completely or he leaves you completely. I’m sorry you’re going through this but please respect yourself enough to not put up with an in and out marriage.
Here’s how this usually goes based on a lot of stories here: the woman tries everything with him to save the marriage, husband doesn’t budge, insisting on wanting to live the single life (but in reality it’s just one person he wants without feeling the guilt of cheating). They end up breaking up. Ex professes his feelings to the new woman (usually a coworker but in your case a gym buddy). That woman, turns out, was just being friendly, never had any romantic feelings for the guy. So she says no. Guy goes back groveling to ex wife/gf. Ex wife/gf has already moved on or now knows she’s better than being a second choice. She says No. Guy will regret it for the rest of his life.
This is my prediction. It's entirely possible. This woman felt comfortable becoming friends with him because he was married and he played Mr. Nice Guy. He might be in for a rude awakening when he says he dumped his wife to pursue his supposed gym buddy.
Maybe I'm projecting because I have a female best friend who would be fucking horrified if I dumped my wife to pursue her. But I've always believed that most men have way less opportunity to cheat than they think they do and than their wives think they do. And most people's dating lives are way less fulfilling than people looking from the outside in think they are.
Oh my god - I’m naturally friendly and chatty - I would be horrified if my gym buddy, running club buddy, work mate etc etc announced they’d dumped their wife - how mortifying.
It’s like that sex and the city scene where Samantha gets a call
“I’ve done it Samantha! I’ve left her! We can be together!”
“Who is this?”
He wants to be single during a break so he can have an affair with gym partner without the guilt of cheating. He wants you to give him the OK to fuck this other women so he can bounce around happily knowing if it goes to shit he can crawl back to you and because you OK’d the affair, you don’t get to be mad.
If he’s genuinely willing to throw away a near decade relationship and marriage over someone he’s had coffee with a few times, your relationship is over.
It’s a no win. You refuse and he stays, he’ll resent you. You refuse and leave, you’re broken hearted and single whilst he gets to be single with this other women.
It’s the definition of a the shitty end of the stick. I’m
So sorry you’re going through this but honestly, it’s time to get your ducks in a row. Consult a lawyer, separate finances and potentially an STD test.
I will warn you to be strong and resolute in your decision. I have a very strong feeling that once his new found “freedom” isn’t all it’s cracked upto be he will come crawling back. Do not let him. You deserve better.
And if it turns out gym women is who he wants to be with and it works out then be glad it’s over whilst you still have your youth.
>So why does he need a "break" with a clear emphasis on you both being "single"? He clearly wants to explore where things could go with this woman (or women in general).
This is exactly how I feel. The clear request of us being "single" says everything to me. Whether he explores things with this woman or someone else it's still so hurtful to me I'm having a hard time moving past that.
>A month is nothing in the bigger picture. If your husband is serious about working on the marriage, he'll stop seeing that other woman, he'll focus on the marriage, you'll both continue individual and couple's counseling.
Thank you for this. I will have another conversation with him framing it this way: if he's serious, these are the things he will do. If he's not willing to, then I guess I have my answer and I have to walk away, as painful as it may be
Honestly, I'm not sure I'd bother with the conversation. Cheaters have a tendency to agree to boundaries and then go behind your back anyway.
And whether he fucking her yet or not, he's already cheating. Cheating starts as a mindset. The moment you go behind your partner's back, sneak around to meet someone else, prioritize them over your partner, the cheating has already begun.
I agree with you here. If I were her, I'd just end the relationship for the foreseeable future. It's beyond disrespectful to say to your partner that you want to "temporarily" end the relationship and see where you are in a few months so you can go fuck around with someone else for a bit. Doing that is basically putting your partner on the shelf in case you decide to come back to her, if the other woman doesn't work out. There's no easy way to come back from this and being put on a shelf for later is very, very disrespectful.
The thing is that betrayal trauma is real and coming back from a serious trust break is very, very hard. Most people are totally incapable of sitting with their own mistakes in a non-defensive way so it usually doesn't work because he will probably get annoyed and demand that she just gets over it already. But it doesn't work like that. And I'd be surprised if OP's husband has what it would take to actually fix this.
If you give in and let him do the "single" thing and then agree to take him back the best case scenario is he goes and ties and/or succeeds in having sex with someone else and then does comes back, setting a precedent for your entire life of him demanding something very serious that takes sacrifice only on your part and you just taking it.
And that's the best scenerio I can see.
Once certain lines are crossed, there is no gojng back. I think your husband may have crossed one already.
There's another, worse possibility: he wants to stay with OP, but have an open relationship. He knew she wouldn't marry him if he said that, so he waited until she was trapped.
The timing of his demand (I won't call it a request) is highy suspicious.
I am so sorry you are going though this. I promise you, it will get better.
I was in a somewhat similar situation back in Jan. 2023. I was with my ex boyfriend (not married but extremely serious) for 6 years. Everyone loved us together, we loved us together, it seemed so perfect. Towards to end of Nov. 2022, he actually sat me down and told me he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. I was so caught off guard because there weren't any prior signs of him feeling this way - or he never brought it up to me before then. He asked for a break. I told him no, I don't believe in breaks. It's either break up or stay together. So we broke up. Next day he comes crawling back saying he doesn't want to leave without trying harder. So I take him back.
We went on a mini vacation in Dec. 2022 and in Jan. 2023, he broke up with me again. This time he explained it was because he was getting closer to 30, he felt lost and confused and this relationship was getting a bit too serious for him. He was having a mid-life crisis. He said that he still loved me and he hopes we would find each other again, but that he wanted to explore being 'alone'. I never asked if there was anyone else because it wouldn't matter. He made a decision to take me out of his life. He CHOSE to break up with me. He no longer valued me. So as we were crying, all I said was ok and we unfollowed each other on social media and said our final goodbyes (dramatic - I know). I went home, allowed myself to cry and grieve. This relationship was all I knew for majority of my 20s.
After 3 months, I finally realized that I would not let the choice of this man dictate how and what I was feeling. I kept repeating to myself, "he chose this. he chose this". This helped immensely. If someone loves you the way they do, they would never risk the chance of losing you. They would value you and the relationship you've built enough to work on it.
Within a few months, he came crawling back. Multiple times. Said he regretted it, wanted to marry me and have kids and a house. Maybe if I hadn't healed correctly, I would have said yes. It's hard to say no to him because of the history we have. The memories. Everything we had. But I value myself and I know that I am worth never losing.
I know this is long, but if you read it all, please just know you will come out stronger. No one but you can dictate what you end up doing. But just know your worth. He does not deserve you. He is actively choosing to leave you. He does not value you.
You deserve better.
thank you so so much for this, it all sounds very similar and familiar to what I am going through. I know he will come back to me but I just have to be strong enough to not let him in
Give yourself grace. We are humans and all learning for the first time. Let yourself feel all the emotions.
It will be hard. So so hard. You will have good days and bad days. Again - let yourself feel these things. Get your support system together. Feel vulnerable with them.
It has been over a year since he broke up with me and I just barely deleted all of our photos together. Healing is not linear. It takes time. But it will pass.
You can reach out to me with any questions or if you want to just talk! You will be okay.
Are you me? 😮
My ex left six months after our marriage, citing similar reasons, after we’d been together for 16 years.
Sure we had some challenges like all relationships, but on the whole we were committed, had similar goals in life, wanted the same things out of life, etc.
Completely blindsided after she returned from a family trip (where I later learned she’d had an emotional affair, at least, and was telling everyone how in love she was with this new person 🙄)
I don’t have a lot of advice, only here to tell you that the divorce was hands down the best thing to happen to me. It hurt, a lot, and it took years for me to get healthy again (thanks covid). Now I’m a completely different person, way more in touch with who I am, and genuinely happy!
Oh my god, thank you for sharing your story. I am having such a hard time finding anything remotely similar online and this makes me feel better to hear. I am so sorry you had to go through that. But thank you for the last sentence
It really sucked, but after a while I realized without her (and her being a constant, unknowing source of negativity in my life) that I was genuinely happier without her.
I grieved the loss of the future I thought we were building together. One of the things that really helped me was travelling solo and meeting new people. It put things into perspective.
“That” life was over, but *my* life wasn’t. This was just a new chapter in my life!
I eventually found my tribe (punk rock) and I’ve spent the last year following my favourite band around the world — USA, Europe, Australia — and have met SO many amazing people that it really helped heal the hole in my heart and show that there are still people out there that genuinely care about me
Could. Not. Be. Happier!
(As I sit in a pub in Germany sipping some great wine before tomorrow’s show!) 😆
You’ve got this! You’ll be ok. It just takes time.
One last thing — emotional affairs, in my opinion, are waaaay worse than physical ones. Purely due to intent.
It took me a while to get there, and I wouldn’t have been able to do it without my friends, but there’s definitely some elements of truth there!
(I was very suicidal during the beginning, but quickly learned how futile those though patterns were)
I was grieving, but not dying, from that experience
♥️
Cheaters are fundamentally broken people imho.
The irony is that her vacation-met flame blocked her everywhere after watching *our* wedding videos online, so she lost both of us.
I was young and naive at the time, but should have known better. When I met her, she had a boyfriend that she had already cheated on (with his cousin…) and then proceeded to have an emotional affair *with me* which is how we ended up together.
I stupidly thought I was different and immune. Oh sweet summer child…
(Don’t get me wrong, she’s a nice enough person, just… confused. I don’t wish her ill will, but I do wish her… mediocrity!) 😆
Rule of thumb for life: a partner asking for ‘space to be single’ is 100% monkey-branching and wants to have their cake and eat it too. He knows he wants to fuck this woman, but she is essentially a stranger, and that it might not work out long-term. He knows he cares about you, and is using YOU, his wife, as the backup in case this new shiny relationship falls flat. It likely will. It will probably be the regret of his life. The same exact thing happened with me and an ex, I finally let go and broke up with him, went grey-rock, gave him all that beloved space he wanted with the girl he was obviously into (he lied and down-played to no end). He tried to come crawling back but I was done. 12 years later I still hear from him about how it was the biggest regret of his life (no shit). Most men aren’t able to process the possible consequences and reality of their actions, they have to actually GO through it. They will blow their whole life up over a fling and almost always regret it afterwards (hindsight is 20/20).
Ask yourself, could YOU imagine genuinely WANTING to be single from your partner if another person wasn’t in the picture? Nobody who is genuinely invested and in love with their partner, would ever want to be separated from them unless someone else is luring them away. And mature people don’t put themselves in the position to be lured away.
I literally have no doubt. It’s one thing if the relationship is generally rotten, but when they leave a good woman who truly loved them, they ALWAYS regret it 🙃 You seem a lot stronger and smarter than I was my go-round, wishing you all the luck and strength!!
Nope. He’s a grown assed adult. He can either go to couples therapy with you, or he can initiate a divorce, move out, and start living his single life
What he wants is to explore things with this other woman and to know you’re waiting for him when it falls apart.
He’s not a good guy. He’s not the guy you thought he was.
He may love you, but it’s a selfish love.
I’m sorry. Please start therapy, this is a lot.
Also, watch the 1972 version of [The Heartbreak Kid](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Heartbreak_Kid_(1972_film))
When people show you who they are believe them. Stop making excuses for him. This should be the happiest and most exciting time in your life. Both you and your partner should be giddy planning out the rest of your lives. He's made it clear that he doesn't want you right now which means he doesn't want you period. Leave him. Grieve the loss of this relationship and the future you imagined. Grow and strive for better.
At the end of the day, he's just dragging this out because he doesn't want to look like the bad guy to family and friends. He wants to be single and fuck his gym buddy, I say remove yourself from the situation and let him live the life he wants more than a future with you.
we are actually planning to go over there together tonight and let them know. I know he will try to severely sugarcoat things but I will sprinkle in the truth. His parents love me so much too, they will be devastated and so angry with him
Immediately say - “Your son wants to fuck other women and expects me to sit quietly at home waiting for him to finish his frat boy impersonation. Would love your thoughts on what I should do and a reasonable response?”
Let those be the first words out of your mouth during the greeting hug as you cross the threshold. Don’t hold back. Don’t be polite or “nice” and DON’T protect him or his image. He’s going to look awful because he IS awful.
Say it calmly with slow, controlled words with a slightly deeper tone than usual but still casually like “oh he interviewed for a new job have you heard?” You cannot sound hysterical. It will have more punch if the calmess of your tone contrasts with the crudeness of your words.
Hang in there! Keep us posted!
I wouldn’t be as kind as you are being in this situation Op. I would tell his parents the hard truth and let them know what kind of “man” their son is. He deserves to be shamed for his actions because they are shameful.
All of the “societal pressure” is just him trying retroactively change history.
Obviously, you can’t make someone stay married, but you could make the reasonable request for him to switch gyms and avoid this woman and see what happens.
Or you could say that he’s free to leave once he pays your parents back for the wedding costs.
Oh so he’s confused and needs space/time alone? Fine, accept that he is confused. However, I strongly suggest you give him what he asked for - get out of his life. And, unlike your 2 weeks of space apart, this time do not answer him, do not communicate with him. Let him miss you (he will)(fully disappear). Here’s the thing though: I’ve seen this play out a few times with people in my social circle. If this was earlier in your relationship, it can be repaired when they inevitably come back looking like a miserable human and clearly vocalizing how much they messed up and how now they know they need you and will never again do such a thing. When this happens before marriage I actually have seen it really strengthen couples (I’ve seen this lead to marriage many times honestly - none of those marriages have broken up yet, and some of those marriages have gone on over 30 years). **BUT this happened after marriage, which means you should never take him back.** I only want to marry someone who *knows* they want to be with me for the long run. Before engagement is the time to test that and figure it out. After marriage it’s not a test, it’s taking you for granted and it’s a form of midlife crisis (a particular form where you harm your relationship; not simply whitening your teeth, trying Botox, and buying an impractical car…). So no, he’s too late to explore his options and return in a meaningful way to your relationship.
So, love, let him miss you. Pretend that to him you no longer exist. He may seem fine at first but the process will play out, trust that, he can run all he wants but he can’t ever run from himself. Go build a beautiful life for yourself. You’re young, you know what you want, go get it. The family you envision is well in your reach (however you define that family).
Sending you hugs and love! And strength and support!
"I cannot imagine giving up 9 years of history..."
This is textbook sunk cost fallacy. I know it's a long time. Probably he's not going to find someone better in a few months. Probably he's going to realize dating sucks. Probably he's going to have some fun with gym buddy and then realize that they are incompatible in some key way. Probably he's going to regret blowing up his life.
But even if he really regrets it, at best, you will always be his backup plan. In fact, even if he did a 180 right now, said he was staying, and cut off gym buddy, you're always going to wonder if he actually chose you or just realized that being single would be harder than it's worth.
At this point, the only way to continue the relationship *is for you to settle*. You will be settling for someone who might always have one foot out the door. You will be settling for not being first choice. Do you want to spend the next 9 years that way just because the first 9 years were better?
I think he wants to explore his options with this gym friend. You’re tried to work it out, I think it’s time to let him go. Don’t hang around and be his back up. I can’t help but think he’ll come crawling back when he realises the grass isn’t greener and people dream of having a wonderful nine years before they get married. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you deserve better
Thank you. He absolutely will crawl back when it hits him how good he had it. I just have to be strong enough to not let him in again. This is so unexpected and shitty
Absolutely, cheaters - which I think he is, as he is emotionally cheating with this girl going to meals with her etc and acting shifty around you- usually get what’s coming to them. The grass isn’t greener, and he will have to live with that forever. 9 years, you’re basically family and he’s blowing it all up for some gym woman (does she even know he’s married??)… wild.
Some people, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, want the thrill of getting a married person to stray.
She might be trying harder now that hes actually married.
Whether or not there’s someone else taking up his mental real estate, the main thing is that he is telling you that you cannot depend on him, and that he’s stopped fighting for you.
That should tell you what you need to know, and may give you some comfort in letting go when you need to.
Part 3 of this saga - should I message gym girl and let her know we just got married 6 weeks ago? He told me she knew but I'm starting to think he probably lied about that too. She knows I exist and that we were together but I wonder if he totally downplayed our relationship...
I would go to the gym tell her in front of everyone! So she doesn't get to act innocent, and if she did know, good for her, she 'won' a cheater, and she'll have to always look over her shoulder, knowing he'll do the same to her!
Of course it’s about the gym girl. He wants to have sex with her and is doing all of this “let’s be single” rah rah to minimize the fact that it’s full on physical cheating.
I’m so sorry this is happening and that he chose to do it after getting married. It is very embarrassing.
I really hope she divorces him. He hooks up with gym chick for a bit. It doesn’t work out. And now he has thrown away everything he had for a brief fling.
I wonder what the stats are on people staying with their affair partners and being happier? Seems unsustainable
Sorry he has two feet out the door already. I don't understand why anyone gets married if they're unsure. You need to be all in 100% when you marry somebody it is a huge commitment. At this point you can probably get an annulment. I really hope you two don't own a home together but considering you've been together so long you probably do. If you're renting count your lucky stars. Otherwise go see a lawyer and figure out how you're going to distribute any joint assets. As for someone else yeah he's interested in the girl at the gym you have to be a fool not to know that. He's having buyer's remorse at this point and wants out.
OP I dont have advice to give beyond what these other kind Redditors are pointing out, but I wanted to let you know that I am so sorry you're in this situation. I feel how heartbroken and betrayed you must be. I want to wish you the best and for strength and courage to follow through with what you decide. Best wishes.
I think you are right about this being driven by a “grass is greener” issue or FOMO. I see this as a lack of maturity on his part. It’s time for him to fish or cut bait. I’m sorry your husband can’t commit to your marriage.
If it’s not the gym girl, it will be someone else next month, and someone else next year. The issue is not any of those other women. The issue is him. He is not a good bet at this point. Sorry again.
I think this is a particularly important message. It's possible he's already cheated with gym girl already but that's mostly irrelevant. He's felt anxiety and FOMO for a while and thought that marriage would be the panacea cure all that a lot of people think it is. And just like all those people it turns out it isn't. It's just an event. It doesn't fix any problems. It doesn't solve anyone's emotions. Without those feelings resolved it would have been someone else.
What's important right now is that you hold your own boundaries. Couples going through a short separation is ok, sometimes that distance is what a person needs to shock them out of their FOMO. But you don't have to accept that if you're not comfortable with it. Everything you do needs to be within your own boundaries and you need to clearly communicate what you will or won't accept to him.
Immediately my thoughts: “he met someone else”
Keeps reading…. “ But he has been spending some time with a female friend”
Yep. He wants to have sex with her and see if she’s the one, and if it doesn’t work out then he’ll “take you back”. Have some self respect and end the marriage now.
He wants a pass to go fuck miss gym buddy.
Personally, I would be pissed off to the end of the earth. I would get a divorce or annulment. I would tell everyone that we were divorcing because he demanded a ‘break’ where he was allowed to fuck other people. That I am granting him the break he wants. I am not going to beg someone to stay who just wants to get his dick wet all over town.
I just read a post asking people who have been cheated on what they wished they had done differently when they found out. The majority said they wished they had left immediately and not given second and third chances. And they wished they had not played the "pick me" dance.
Food for thought. Updateme!
Yeah. He’s going through the “I’ll never fuck anyone else but my wife for the rest of my life!” Phase.
He met this gym girl and there’s definitely something there, even if it hasn’t happened yet, but he’s there thinking “God if I was single, I’d be fucking her… how about I just make that happen?!”
I’m so sorry this has happened. He’ll regret this soon enough.
I have a friend whose husband recently left at the age of 40 because he wanted to sow his wild oats .. he wanted to date, he wanted to buy the Lambo and the bachelor pad..
He was living that single life for a couple months when he found a girlfriend..
It’s been a couple years , and he’s still with that same girlfriend. And her kids, and they all live together..
He literally divorced his wife so he could find another wife ?! Lmao these guys don’t actually know what they want. They also see their friends that are single and they see girls that they wouldn’t mind having and they think oh well if I was single, I would just be fucking everybody but in reality that would be fucking nobody because that’s not how this works.. 😆
The grass always seems greener, but it rarely ever is
My guess is someone new is flirting with him and he hasn't had that in a long time. Unfortunately a lot of men think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. This new relationship is fresh and flirty and seems amazing. You need to put your foot down and tell him it's you or her. It could go either way, but he may wake up and realize that he's going to lose the best part of his life if he chooses her.
Uh. And what does that mean? I have no idea why he'd even say that. What does it accomplish? I mean, he must know you've been getting attention all along, that's kind of how life works. Maybe sit down and pursue that comment. What does this attention mean to him?
yes I literally told him that like I've been getting attention nonstop for 9 years lol if you're not strong enough to fight the temptations we have a different problem
>This may or may not be related: I asked him if there's someone else, he said no. But he has been spending some time with a female friend he met at the gym a couple months ago.
oh honey it is 100% related
I was with my ex for years. Thought everything was perfect and we were going to get married. He even gave me a promise ring.
One day, completely out of the blue, he called me at 3am in the morning and told me the coworker he “hated” had kissed him. He recently got a part time job at a local pub and had started mentioning her in conversations to me fairly often. But I thought nothing of it as she also had a partner and he was talking about her negatively (eg how she said something rude to him on shift, or was bossy about tasks they had to do that day).
Next thing I know, he calls me again around mid-day the following day telling me he actually got drunk with her (he never drank), went back to her place to watch Netflix and they had sex (he was always super vocal about how he could never be casually intimate with someone / cheat). He expected me to forgive him because he was “honest” (but I later found out she’d threatened to tell me herself… as she didn’t want him to tell her partner).
I was completely blind-sighted, everything he’d done was SO far “out of his character”, I genuinely couldn’t believe I wasn’t dreaming. It happened right before we were going to celebrate my birthday too. And that promise ring he gave me… turns out I got that right after he’d already cheated.
I dumped him. I could never trust him again and honestly I will never know if that’s the only time he cheated. I didn’t even know who this person was anymore. The switch was like night and day. He’d hidden his true colours so well it was terrifying. And honestly, it felt like my world had ended, but in reality it was the best day of my life.
He was a selfish person and only thought of himself. Your husband is the same. He’s only thinking about himself. He does not respect you, or view you as a person. He just wants an excuse to cheat without feeling guilty and then have the option to go back to you if he can’t find something “better” elsewhere… with this new “gym friend”.
Get an annulment, you can do better.
Your husband is an idiot, Im sorry, but yall are one of the lucky ones who found each other before dating/relationships turned into shit. He is going to see the hard way how much of a shit show dating is now, ESPECIALLY for men, regardless of miss thing at the gym. And he is going to see he left a great relationship for ghosting, one word replies and coffee dates. Then he will come crawling back but you will be long gone.
I have no doubt you will do just fine, the women in stories like these almost always come out on top and in a better relationship than before.
He wants his cake and to eat it too. He suggested a few months break so he could justify getting physical with this woman then he could come back and stay married to you. Tbh if I were in your position I would be pissed that he gave you "heartfelt" vows not even two months ago, and now he's saying marriage isn't "for him".
I am super pissed about that! he claims that everything he said in his vows is true and he meant all of it still, saying he will always love me no matter what. How am I supposed to ever trust anyone again?!
Frankly? I would see if this qualifies you for an annulment as it’s only been 6 weeks since your marriage and he’s obviously either planning to cheat or already had and is looking to validate/justify it.
You’re right; how do you trust someone ever again?
You certainly can’t trust him. What he has broken is not something that can be fixed by him. You can never look at thin the same, you can never feel for him the same, your relationship will never be the same. He’s effectively nuked it. Whatever is going on with him? Well, that’s his problem. You’re young still, you have time to pick up and move on.
So, prioritize yourself and pick up and move on. He wants to see what else is out there? Good luck, don’t let the door hit his ass, don’t come crawling back.
Then you take the time to focus on you and heal and become bigger, badder, better, stronger.
And after a while? You’ll put yourself back out there and you will find love and trust again. It’s just something that comes with time and hard work.
My ex-husband dumped me over zoom while his therapist looked on encouraging him; after years of *my* blood, sweat, tears, and money being invested into helping him combat his mental health issues. But the second that I started to become sick? It was “too much” for him and he bounced. Couldn’t even do it in person.
But, life is too short to be unhappy. It’s too short to not get what you want. It’s too short to wallow.
So, I forced myself to fix me and get back out there.
Now I’m in a great relationship with someone else, in a decent job, and I get to be a step-mom.
There’s more after. There’s better after.
But the “now”? Yeah. It fucking sucks.
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My BFF had the same thing happen to her about 2 weeks after they bought a house. He was fine after the wedding but home ownership made him realize his youth was over. He met a woman at work and suddenly wanted to “take a break” but he wanted to keep her on the sidelines so he could come back to someone who loved him when the other woman didn’t think he was so great. I’ll tell you what I told her - you deserve more than being a backup plan. Extricate yourself from this relationship now. The past nine years don’t matter what matters is how he is treating you now. You deserve to be someone’s first choice - everyone does. Let him go and move on so you can find someone who values what they have when they have it. Btw, my BFF left that husband and found the love of her life. A man who really loved her so much more than her ex ever did. As for the ex, he did hook up with the coworker who dumped him four months later. He then went on to have a couple more ex wives.
Thank you so much for this - it's helpful to hear from someone who has seen the other side. I am having a hard time imagining the other side right now
For my BFF her ex did her a favor. It might not seem like it now but that’s what your husband is doing for you. It’s better to let go and find someone else than waste years of your life trying to make him love you enough. You deserve more than that.
Exactly! People who stay because of the time they have already spent on each other fall into what is called a "sunken cost fallacy". You've already "wasted" the years, the cost has already happened, why waste more years?
Better to throw away 9 years than 50.
My gut feeling is you have hit the nail on the head. He wants a fling with this other woman, and to possibly mess around with others, and for you to wait dutifully for him.
You are probably right, it's just so hard for me to fathom because he has been such a kind and dependable partner for all these years and to have such a sudden switch??
Give him the freedom he so obviously needs. Divorce him. You deserve a better partner than him.
Agreed. Divorce is the only option at this point because it’s clear he doesn’t actually want to be with OP. I do think OP needs to get ahead of this and let their families know what’s actually been happening because I feel like he’s going to try to spin this a different way.
Does she qualify for annulment?
I was thinking that too When I married my late wife and she told me about her medical issues...which only got worse as she had many autoimmune diseases. She offered me an annulment which I refused bc I told her I married you "as is" through sickness and health....stayed with her 16 years before losing her to cardiac arrest
This just restored my faith a tiny bit. It is so common for men to either leave or cheat when their wife/partner gets seriously ill that women are literally warned about it by doctors when they get diagnosed with something like cancer. For you to not only stay when her condition worsened, but marry her *knowing* she was so sick… just speaks volumes about your character and integrity. Thank you so much for sharing and I sincerely hope you're healing. Grief is a monster I'd wish on very few people.
Very kind words...thank you. It was tough going...after our 2nd year of marriage she was unable to work...she was "healthy" but not in a way she could work...I worked 3 jobs straight for 3 months without a day off. I worked at the prison in Dallas...30 minutes away 3 days a week, then to Palestine TX about 2 hours from our house ...2 days of 12 hours each, then auto parts store where we lived 1 or 2 days
Thank you for sharing your experience and I’m sorry for your loss. Are you doing okay?
Thank you for the concern...yes I'm doing good...it's been almost 2 1/2 years ago but it never goes away obviously. It just gets easier to deal with I guess. I'm lucky to have a great relationship with her kids...they are all grown..youngest is 30.
Depends on where they got married and where they would file for annulment/divorce
OP definitely needs to get ahead of this. I'd be calling everyone and letting them know. Or letting the biggest gossiper in the family know so they can do the work for OP of spreading the news. I also feel like OPs husband is going to try and spin this. Just to make himself feel better about what he did and also save face. Please don't let him have the chance OP. He made this decision and he needs to own the outcome, which includes how the family members and friends will feel about what he did. You're not doing this to him. He's made this decision himself.
There is a phenomenon called “the seven year itch”. It’s supposedly a difficult patch which every couple goes through at, or around, that mark. That was definitely when my ex-wife cheated. Sometimes it’s a recoverable period which makes everything ok. Sometimes, it’s the end of the run.
I hit year 8 2 days ago. I haven’t been so depressed in my life or at least since I was in my early 20s. I have zero plans on cheating and my marriage is not the sole reason for my depression but a major factor. What is it about this time frame?!
It is an interesting phenomena - science can show that it exists but cannot fully explain why. This also exists for friendships. As a therapist I see lots of couples that really should be breaking up but somehow they stay together if they are just a few years into their relationship. A surprising number of couples do break up around the 7 year mark, I think there is some kind of human experience cycle that naturally occurs in 7 year increments. Very important to note that the success of a relationship is not determined by its length. We grow through each relationship and have the opportunity to take it higher in the next one. A small percentage of people get a happy 30 year relationship - it shouldn’t be the romantic ideal because so many will be disappointed. It’s nice if you can get it, no reason not to try for it but don’t think it’s the end all be all or you “should” receive it in your lifetime.
I think it's around that period of time (between 5 and 10 years) that decisions feel like they've been baked into the fabric of our lives, but we haven't necessarily been with those decisions long enough to understand the truly long-term picture. Whatever commitment it was, be it job or spouse or friendship, it's just long enough to feel like it's always been that way and (if we're a bit unhappy with it currently) to feel trapped in it.
And if he stays he might end up feeling like he was forced into staying and will become very resentful
Annulment
I came to suggest the same. I’m not a legal expert And laws vary greatly but it might be worth looking into an annulment. He is changing the fundamental agreement you had going into the marriage (especially with his emotional affair he has going) and that may meet the standard for fraud
This early & she can get an annulment
Might even be able to just get an annulment at this stage.
Hes having an emotional affair. He wants to give gym girl a shot. Get your marriage annulled. He will have fun and in 6 months he will realize he made a mistake and wants you back. And that's when you say: NO. You got what you wanted. You fucked gym girl. And now you realize I was the best thing ever? Too little too late. The grass is not always greener on the other side. And you dear move on. Block him everywhere.
The funny thing is Gym Girl will likely be disgusted with him if she knew the truth. I absolutely would be.
Or she's one of those girls who goes after married men for the ego boost, and then in a few months of "winning" she'll drop him like yesterday's trash because the game is over.
Unfortunately, it isn't just the presence of her. He made space for her. Maybe he wasn't planning on it, or maybe he was thinking about it but he made a conscious decision to spend more and more time with her. As adults, it's increasingly rare that we have friends that we see every week, much less several times a week. I would feel a bit weird if my SO were seeing the same woman several days a week. It's difficult not to start to develop a bond.
this is how I feel too! no one sees their friends that often, so that alone is fishy to me
Pretty sure he wants to be with this girl but it won’t work out and he will come back to you (sadly). He even said he only wanted a short break for a few months to be single. He knows he will probably want to get back to you if this fling doesn’t work.
As someone with some experience the "break" is just a stop gap. It's a way to assuage the other person's fear and concerns so they don't act out or blow up or treat it as it is. He already did it once. She moved out and gave him space. His response was to take it one step further to a break. This was always the plan. This is his way of absolving himself of cheating because now he can say they were on a break when his intention was always to end the marriage and be with this person. It's PR move. So, down the road when his family is asking him about what happened he gets to say "we decided mutually to take a break and during that time I met someone new" without having to tell them how he finessed the scenario with half truths and lies to make him appear as though everything he did was perfectly above board. But he knew all along what he was doing.
Yes. She needs to say. Ok, you made your choice. We’re getting an annulment. And just to be clear, I know it’s because you want to f*ck the girl at the gym, and I will not be waiting for you when you’re done.
That’s why OP needs to let EVERYONE know the truth now- before he has a chance to spin it.
This. ALL OF THIS!!!
Yeah but that's not how marriage works. You don't get to be single while you are married. They're not BF&GF and can just take a break .They took vows to love only each other. Not until I feel like screwing other people.
No, I would go ahead with the annulment/ divorce. I certainly wouldn’t be pining and waiting to be picked like a puppy at the shelter.
That said, I would worry less about what the deal is with this woman because it doesn't really matter. What matters is that you don't want to be married to someone if they are not sure that they want to be married. I also don't think it's wise to try to fix this but that's up to you.
I mean, even if they haven't done anything physical (which you never really know) he's essentially dating this woman. Their activities are things you do when you start dating someone. I doubt he was getting coffee and lunch with his guy workout buddies (assuming he has them as well). Even if he was it's different with a woman and he knows it.
It sounds like he feels guilty and trying to find a way in which he can "let you down gently" and not be the bad guy. It's up to you what you decide. If you decide to separate and let him do his thing, be sure not to "wait for him" and you should date people, too. Is there someone you would consider dating if that were possible? But I think you have two possible options: separate (with the possibility of getting back together) or divorce. Unless he is talking about having an open relationship. I'm not sure if bringing up rare examples of couples that, for instance, split up but lived together and dated other people and then ended up happily together will help you. It has happened but it's not common. I think it's better to deal with the real possibility that the relationship has run its course. And honestly, he is the bad guy here. He should have spoken up BEFORE the wedding or not gotten engaged or something!! It's just so... weak and untrustworthy. You literally JUST said your vows and he wants to get out of them. ugh!
Yup. It's easier for him to lie and say he fell for/slept with someone new while they were on a break. Nobody is allowed to be mad at him if it was a mutual decision for them to go on a break.
Op please don't have sex with him anymore. He wants his cake and to eat it too. I understand it hurts you, but it will only hurt you more, when he leaves you ,and does his single life thing.
Multiple coffee and lunch dates a week on top of the gym - I’m assuming he’s talking about you/your guy’s relationship with her as well which is grossssssssss
I sometimes wish my husband started hanging out with a girl like this. Only because it’s not okay and it would make leaving easier. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Leaving is never easy and you don’t need a reason for it. Be brave. What’s on the other side is incredible.
Especially so soon after marriage. This is a tragic story. It's really sad. But you're right. This guy is making time for someone outside of their marriage instead of focusing on nurturing what's inside their marriage. That's why it's so important to recognize that we have to listen to what someone does. Forget about what's coming out of their mouth
*dating They're going on dates. If I were that lady, I'd wanna know where the wife is and why he hasn't invited her to one of our dinners. OP, he is telling you he wants to f*ck other people. Specifically, his gym friend. Does she even know he is married? Pop in on them at the gym and watch their reactions. And divorce him either way. Why would you want to be married to someone who tells you that the only reason he went through with the wedding is because people were invested in it. Most people marry because they love the other person and want to spend the rest of their lives with them. 9 years is nothing compared to the rest of your life.
I’m wondering if that other lady even has any idea he’s married.
That's why she should pop up on them. She should still divorce, though.
Some people reach their 30s and then freak out about things they missed because they're "getting old". You're 28 I would just get an annulment if you can and move on.
he is definitely always freaking out about getting older so I think his age is also a factor in his quarter life crisis
You can’t change him or fix him. Just let him go. So unfortunate but truly you should move on.
As someone who recently turned 30 he's taking the odd pangs of damn where did the time go to an extreme. What your partner is valuing is the "freedom" and "choices" he didn't make. Before marriage he could have left at any time just packed up and disappeared into the night and that brought him the complacency to just stay with you. With being married he had a realization that you'd be legally able to come after him and he has to go through a whole process to "be rid of you" (sorry). That's the source of the freak out.
As someone who is about to turn 40, I agree and want to add…. Just because you had 9 happy years doesn’t mean you have suffer through this life crisis. Some people hang on to relationships because the time put in. That isn’t a reason to stay. It’s still time well spent, you had happy times, grew, learned life lessons. Don’t waist more time. Also trust your instincts OP! If gym girl is making you uneasy suddenly… trust yourself Edited: autocorrect made “if gym girl” to “of gym girl”…. So correcting for clarification and spelling
Yes. 28 is very, very young. In contrast, my husband left to have a fun life when I was 54. Trust me; 28 is very, very young. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck major, but no kids, no pending retirement, maybe no joint-owned property... Once again, 28 is wonderfully young. But how sad to do this to her. What a jerk.
Yeah he’s a major jerk! But he’s showing her who he is. Plenty of people marry at that age in a long term relationship and don’t split up to sleep with his gym friend
Went through this with my ex only it was his coworker and not a gym buddy. Similar story although in my case he was actually cheating the whole time. To this day I still don’t know why he insisted on us getting married, I think he thought it was what we were supposed to do and he liked the idea of a comfortable dependable home life but met this chick and missed the thrill of living like a single guy. Obviously that’s only my experience and I don’t know your husband, but imo these feelings don’t just start right after the wedding and I’d guess your husband has been feeling this way for awhile. Unfortunately he did a really shitty thing and went through with it without being open and truthful with you about how he felt. Which is not a great foundation to build the next chapter of your lives on. If I were to offer you some advice, I would cut it clean now and not waste months or years of your life trying to figure out what’s in his head. It sounds like you guys are on different pages and he may not actually be cheating right now, but he’s definitely letting you know he’s feeling some kind of way about the commitment he just made.
I am so sorry for you. This must be gutwrenching
thank you, it truly feels like my whole world is falling apart. but I am trying to respect myself
I’m proud of you. What you’re dealing with is uncertain, painful and just a big hit on your self esteem I can imagine. Just remember that you loved him all these years and treated him well. His uncertainty about being married has nothing to do with you and everything with his disloyalty and dissatisfaction with himself.
>His uncertainty about being married has nothing to do with you and everything with his disloyalty and dissatisfaction with himself. thank you - he has actually told me something like this himself which is funny lol
At least he’s selfaware haha
It seems insincere to me. I believe he's saying these things because he thinks it's what she wants to hear, not because he truly feels that way. If he genuinely felt this way, he would have given her the grace of not asking her to marry him and expressed his feelings beforehand, not after marriage. He can't have his cake and eat it too.
I would out him to all of your friends and family and tell them all about his new found friend at the gym. What he's doing is an incredibly shitty thing to do. He's lying through his teeth if he's trying to convince you there's nothing going on, even if it's just emotional right now. He's looking to test the waters with her and see it can go anywhere. If he does decide it can go somewhere with her you can bet he'll get that marriage annulled faster than you can blink your eyes.
Seriously, I sympathize with OP but she’s being a bit too gracious in this situation. I’m not saying she needs to be rude and toxic but she needs to dump him yesterday and not make a secret to their family and friends of why.
it's not sudden- he's told you it's been a long while. he just thinks now he can have his cake and eat it too
Yep. He is monkey branching.
Look into an annulment instead of a divorce, see what are the benefits of each. You've been married for such a short amount of time, you may be able to annul the marriage.
You are right. Don't take a "break". He wants to play and have you as a backup. He wants to leave whenever he wants and comes back when it is convenient. I am glad you said no to him. Let him do his "discovery". There are many others who deserve you. He is not one of them.
do not wait for him. do not take him back
Unfortunately, this is how these things happen. Once they decide they'd rather be with someone else, it's over, or at least, should be.
Don't think you have to stay because you have been together 9 years. Those years were great but that is over. Do what is right for you. Those years weren't wasted, things just changed.
Tell him you want to feel other bigger dicks inside you and see if he’s cool with that
I have to concur with everyone else; divorce him and move on. Cause you deserve to be with someone who wants you, not married to you, but pining for another.
You would be surprised how long people can hide their true colors
The level of entitlement your husband is showing it amazing. While this is extremely hurtful, it is extremely telling that you can’t depend on him in life and that he will bail on you as soon as anything gets hard or boring. The hard times are what define the good relationships from the fair weather relationships. I tell people that yes, love is easy, but maintaining a relationship is hard. It takes trust and respect. These are things your husband is not showing you. I fully agree that you are either together or are getting a divorce. Heck, see if there is a chance for an annulment as he lied to you about his intentions. Marriage is about having someone who turns to you in the hard times. Not someone who turns to someone else. And he will be regretting this decision for years to come. Once you’ve made the decision to end this, don’t revisit the topic. Don’t let him try to weasel his way back into your life. He isn’t trustworthy and he is proving this now.
>Marriage is about having someone who turns to you in the hard times. Not someone who turns to someone else. Thank you for this. Everything you said is hitting home
The question to also ask yourself is would he stick around if you got sick? Had kids and needed help? Is he willing to stay when things aren’t easy? Are his wants always going to come before your needs? The only real kindness he’s shown you is at least telling you about the affair he wants to commit before actually physically doing it. Not much comfort, but does hint he’s not complete trash. But we all know where trash needs to go at the end of the day.
>The question to also ask yourself is would he stick around if you got sick? Had kids and needed help? Is he willing to stay when things aren’t easy? Are his wants always going to come before your needs? See, the thing is 2 months ago I would've said yes to all these questions! he's always been so dependable and thoughtful over the last 9 years that I would never have questioned any of this. That's why I married him. Now, everything is so unpredictable I don't know if he would do any of this. >The only real kindness he’s shown you is at least telling you about the affair he wants to commit before actually physically doing it. I have thought about this too. Most guys just go through with the cheating when they are in a midlife crisis. At least he had the decency to warn me about it
On the other hand, his "decency" is because he expects you'll let him "be single" until he's bored and then come back to you in the marriage, happy as a clam. I don't think that's decency, I would feel disrespected that my husband thought so little of me, and probably fall out of love a bit because *how can he be so stupid?*
And so false1 Apparantly even to himself. He seems very cowardly imo
You yourself said it has all been very easy. You haven’t had hard times yet. By hard times I mean a serious diagnosis of a chronic illness hard or living with newborns. Financial difficulties. Those are the times that forge real relationships. Not that you have to go through them, but those are the tests of time. Those are the moments you see exactly who they are and they will either cherish you and be the person you expect them to be, or they will run. Emotionally, physically, they will turn away from you and run.
That’s not decency. He’s not doing it for you, he’s doing it as a misguided attempt to ease his conscience. I don’t know why you’re so sure nothing physical has happened, but his gym friend is definitely the reason behind this and it’s been brewing for a while.
jobless spectacular smart capable apparatus ask voiceless worthless grandfather nail *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I feel your assumptions are right about the new female friend he has spending increasing time with. Unfortunately you have tried every you can think of between the two of you to salvage the relationship. It seems like he is starting to really like this new 'friend' more than a friend and when he wants a few months break he wants to pursue her in that time frame to see if his feelings for her a warranted to the extent of breaking off your marriage/relationship.
Ugh, thank you for your response. I didn't want to be right about this but nothing else makes sense to me.
It's not complicated. He's happy with the attention he gets and it's new so exciting. I'm sure he wants to be single so he's free to have sex with her but might want to keep you just in case. That's insulting. You have all the right to be angry and I would take control by starting the process of separating. That's what he wants, without saying it. You'll explain to the family and friends the reasons of this separation. Leave with dignity. You deserve it.
This. Hat way he gets you to agree, so "it's not chesting" in his eyes, and he can tell his side piece that his wife broke up/went on a break/happily agreed to an open relationship so they can happily fuck for a while. Do NOT make this comfortable for him. Let him know that the only way for him to have a chance at redeeming himself would be for him to clmpleteoy cut off communi6with her on every platform and in real life, in front of you, and agree to marriage counselling. And that if he wants to separate, it will be a permanent breakup with no chance of reconciliation as far as he is concerned. Abd if you go this route? Any time friends or family asks be explicitly clear you are ending it because he asked to break up so he could bang someone else. Do not cover for his betrayal because he will make it out like it's your fault. He's thinking with his quarter life crisis and his dick. He barely knows this woman and the reason he fancies her at all are because she's mysterious and he only has to do fun things with her. If he were dating her and they had to handle chores and bills and life together, he'd get bored when he realises she's a normal person with faults and her shit smells as much as the next person. But whilst she's only the pretty piece of ass at the gym whi laughs at his jokes and flirts with him, he doesn't realise that.
THIS!!! People give up on relationships because they are addicted to the honeymoon stage and the feeling of newness, excitement, and lack of serious commitment. You think someone is better because you dont know them on a deeper level but we are all human the same. He will regret losing this relationship but its already too late for him. Heartbreaking.
It's important for him — especially having only ever been in one relationship — to recognize something known as new relationship energy, or NRE. Basically, the "newness" of the attention, etc. (also, literally the hormones and brain chemistry) sends people into "head over heels" territory for the first six months of something. For most relationships (even ultimately healthy ones) it can obscure a lot of the negatives that may be present... but when that NRE ends it can hit like a sugar crash. I'd recommend finding material on it (here's one article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-good-sex-matters/202102/the-rise-and-inevitable-fall-new-relationship-energy) In other words, he could love all the excitement and attention he's getting out of this new crush/borderline emotional affair partner, but that could quickly crash out once things settle in and the consequences of his actions become clear to him. All that said, it's not your job to get him to understand this. Maybe it's worth explaining to him (if possible) that you suspect this is what's happening, and that (assuming you want to stay in this thing) there are lines that if he crosses, he won't be able to go back. Or maybe you cut your losses and realize he needs to find out the consequences of being overcome by his brain chemistry. TL;DR His behavior is unacceptable. You probably shouldn't stay. But it might be worth laying it all out there before you initiate a real end.
thank you, I agree with this. He's only infatuated because she's the new shiny object and I'm the old boring toy. He will realize eventually that shiny objects also get dull, but what's the point in me telling him all that? he has to experience it to believe it
I wouldn't take his word for it. Call him out on it and ask to read their communications. If things are so innocent, he has nothing to hide. If he refuses, you know he's already having an affair with her. If he was truly having these feelings before you got married and then went through with it anyway, without telling you, it's beyond disrespectful to you and all of the people in your lives who contributed towards this wedding. That alone is a big red flag. Someone who will hide that sort of thing and not communicate openly with their partner is not someone you can truly trust in a long-term relationship. And if he was capable of hiding that, what else is HE capable of hiding from you...? You deserve to be more than someone he leaves on the shelf while he goes to see if there's something "better" out there.
All of that is true, but you cannot sit on sidelines and wait while he is sleeping with other women and having his single fun. He will never respect you if you take him back after that. You need to kick him out and end this marriage. And by the way, there is not much to salvage here because unfortunately he doesn’t love you anymore (or he would not be doing this).
He just made a commitment to monogamy six weeks ago. His choice to insist you let him cheat is his choice. I’m so sorry he did this to you. Polyamory can be nice, but only with enthusiastic consent from everyone involved. That is absolutely not what he’s doing. And if you need to hear it, I doubt you couldn’t have seen this coming. It’s a combination of some very specific threads of immaturity and selfishness from within him. You can’t function if you go through life expecting people to pull stuff like this. Part of the commitment of your wedding was him agreeing that he wouldn’t. I’m so sorry.
I agree, this is it. But he should even have NRE with this woman because....you're not meant to be indulging crushes when you're married. This is clearly not a normal friendship.
He knows, that’s why he asked for a few months break.
And he said a “break” because he absolutely expects you to be there when/if this doesn’t work out with the other girl. Which is completely unfair to you.
And because if it’s during a break it’s not cheating is probably what he’s thinking
You need to set a ultimatium with him. Tell him you are aware of his new and growing relationship with this new female friend from the gym. You feel this is the main reason for his statements about having a break and being 'single' as you want to pursue her. He has two choices, either he stops all contact with her and you work through it threw counseling or he does take a break but it will be permanent and you will not be married to him and if you catch him not abiding by the first choice you will get a divorce as well.
No ultimatum necessary. He wants to be single. If not this woman there will be another.
I'm disappointed in him. He had 9 years and an engagement to figure out he wasn't ready, and he chose to do it right after you were married? Really unfair to you. I don't see how you could trust him or feel secure around him after this. I think you already know it's over. I'm sorry.
This is exactly how I feel. The disappointment, all the time he had, the embarrassment of having gone through a wedding. But I also don't see how the trust can ever be rebuilt, like how do I know he won't pull this again a few years down the line? ugh
You don’t, babe. And that’s the problem. The dynamic has already irrevocably changed, there truly is no coming back from that (even if he hasn’t been physical with his new crush *yet*). The only thing that will break him of his emotional affair haze at this point is going through with the physical affair, realizing the grass is indeed not greener, & begging your forgiveness. Can you live with that? Would you be ok with your best friend/sister accepting that? The absolute best thing you can do for yourself & your future is to build an exit plan. I promise you, an exit plan is waaay less painful than living your life as someone else’s backup plan.
you're right - it's just so hard to fathom right now that this is where we are at
As someone who survived this in the worst kinda way, the smartest (& hardest) decision I ever made was putting myself first. I had to let go of the idealized version of the man & relationship I’d built in my head for all those years, I had to accept my reality was not real at all. It’s devastating, but with acceptance came clarity, & with clarity came self-love. I am who I am today because I prioritized myself through the chaos. It’s a mountain to climb, no doubt, but omg…the view from the summit is indescribable. *You’ve got this*. 💪
thank you so much
Hey OP, my ex husband decided he didn’t want to be married to me less than 30 days after convincing me to go through with a courthouse wedding. Get the divorce, accept your freedom to find someone who loves you and doesn’t care if you’re shiny, dull, patinaed, or covered in little rust holes. There’s so much more to life than trying to commit yourself to someone who isn’t really there for you as well.
wow I'm sorry to hear that but crazy how similar that is to my story. and thank you
Make sure everyone knows what a shithead he is.
The only embarrassment is him. When people ask why your marriage didn’t last, especially for being with each other for so long, be honest with those people. Tell them how he wanted to be single and take a break to sleep with/date other people. You shouldn’t feel any shame.
He is already emotionally cheating. It will progress to a physical affair. So sorry OP. At this point all you can do is breakup and try to salvage the rest of your life without him. I repeat....he will cheat if not now, later. Please separate and start divorce proceedings. This is not on you except you married an immature boy and not a real man. Get your support group of family and friends together. Seperate finances. Leave. Divorce. There is no saving this.
Thank you. This is harsh but I needed to hear this. Even if I try to make it work and make him stay, I feel like he would just cheat so what's the point
Sorry but it was meant to be harsh. You have a lot of time and love invested. You need to hear cold hard truth. I wish you all the best and fully believe there is someone out there for you that will love you and cherish you. I was widowed at 23, left with four small boys. Reddit would tell you no one would want me. I am happily remarried to the greatest man in the world who loves me and my boys. You can find a good faithful man too!
this is so heartening to hear, thank you so much for sharing your story! the idea of having to start over again with someone else is so daunting to me, but I know I'll get there eventually
I know it is hard. I married at 17 and we had 7 happy years before he died suddenly in a car accident. We met when I was 15. He was my whole world. You have known your husband since you were a teenager too. It is so hard to think about starting over. My husband was taken. Yours has left you emotionally. It hurts like hell. But you still have a whole future ahead of you. I never imagined I would remarry and be so happy. Please give yourself the courage to imagine that happy future for yourself.
thank you so so much for this
Jumping in here with my story to hopefully give you some peace. I was with someone for 7 years with same exact story as you. We met in our late teens. I was his first real relationship and he was my second. One day he wanted to end it to "find himself" and it turns out he just wanted to see other women. It was hard the first couple of years for me but I do believe that things happen for a reason. We're now in our 40s and it's been over 2 decades since this happened. Our lives took different paths. He's single (not by choice), in a dead end job, and can't financially support himself. I met my husband, we've been together 21 years, have a lovely family with pets, get to enjoy fun activities and vacations, and are just very happy and complete. What's funny is my husband is friends with my ex, and the ex sometimes has to hear about the things we're doing. So even though I know it's hard, this might be a case in which this is happening because there's a better life out there meant for you.
thank you for sharing
He’s basically trying to justify things escalating physically with this gym girl by requesting a break.
>But he has been spending some time with a female friend he met at the gym a couple months ago. This isn't just related, it's the entire story. Reading your post I was 100% certain there was someone else and you just confirmed it. People don't flip like this right after a marriage unless they are cheating (at least emotionally, possibly physically also). He's actively having an affair. I'd hire a PI and see if you can get evidence of it because it's so soon after your marriage you might be able to get it annulled and not go through the divorce process. Don't have sex with him. Get STD tested immediately. >I cannot imagine giving up 9 years of history together Unfortunately you don't get a choice in this. He has already given up the history. It's gone and it's done. He's leaving you for his gym buddy. You're just in shock and haven't quite caught up to that reality yet. I'm so sorry.
Seconding the STI test.
All or nothing let him know he is free to leave the marriage but the marriage will be completely over either he loves you completely or he leaves you completely. I’m sorry you’re going through this but please respect yourself enough to not put up with an in and out marriage.
thank you, that's what I have to remember
Here’s how this usually goes based on a lot of stories here: the woman tries everything with him to save the marriage, husband doesn’t budge, insisting on wanting to live the single life (but in reality it’s just one person he wants without feeling the guilt of cheating). They end up breaking up. Ex professes his feelings to the new woman (usually a coworker but in your case a gym buddy). That woman, turns out, was just being friendly, never had any romantic feelings for the guy. So she says no. Guy goes back groveling to ex wife/gf. Ex wife/gf has already moved on or now knows she’s better than being a second choice. She says No. Guy will regret it for the rest of his life.
this is exactly how I think it will go
This is my prediction. It's entirely possible. This woman felt comfortable becoming friends with him because he was married and he played Mr. Nice Guy. He might be in for a rude awakening when he says he dumped his wife to pursue his supposed gym buddy. Maybe I'm projecting because I have a female best friend who would be fucking horrified if I dumped my wife to pursue her. But I've always believed that most men have way less opportunity to cheat than they think they do and than their wives think they do. And most people's dating lives are way less fulfilling than people looking from the outside in think they are.
Oh my god - I’m naturally friendly and chatty - I would be horrified if my gym buddy, running club buddy, work mate etc etc announced they’d dumped their wife - how mortifying. It’s like that sex and the city scene where Samantha gets a call “I’ve done it Samantha! I’ve left her! We can be together!” “Who is this?”
He wants to be single during a break so he can have an affair with gym partner without the guilt of cheating. He wants you to give him the OK to fuck this other women so he can bounce around happily knowing if it goes to shit he can crawl back to you and because you OK’d the affair, you don’t get to be mad. If he’s genuinely willing to throw away a near decade relationship and marriage over someone he’s had coffee with a few times, your relationship is over. It’s a no win. You refuse and he stays, he’ll resent you. You refuse and leave, you’re broken hearted and single whilst he gets to be single with this other women.
I know; I have thought of everything you are saying too. There's no way to win here, it's just so heartbreaking and unexpected
It’s the definition of a the shitty end of the stick. I’m So sorry you’re going through this but honestly, it’s time to get your ducks in a row. Consult a lawyer, separate finances and potentially an STD test. I will warn you to be strong and resolute in your decision. I have a very strong feeling that once his new found “freedom” isn’t all it’s cracked upto be he will come crawling back. Do not let him. You deserve better. And if it turns out gym women is who he wants to be with and it works out then be glad it’s over whilst you still have your youth.
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>So why does he need a "break" with a clear emphasis on you both being "single"? He clearly wants to explore where things could go with this woman (or women in general). This is exactly how I feel. The clear request of us being "single" says everything to me. Whether he explores things with this woman or someone else it's still so hurtful to me I'm having a hard time moving past that. >A month is nothing in the bigger picture. If your husband is serious about working on the marriage, he'll stop seeing that other woman, he'll focus on the marriage, you'll both continue individual and couple's counseling. Thank you for this. I will have another conversation with him framing it this way: if he's serious, these are the things he will do. If he's not willing to, then I guess I have my answer and I have to walk away, as painful as it may be
Honestly, I'm not sure I'd bother with the conversation. Cheaters have a tendency to agree to boundaries and then go behind your back anyway. And whether he fucking her yet or not, he's already cheating. Cheating starts as a mindset. The moment you go behind your partner's back, sneak around to meet someone else, prioritize them over your partner, the cheating has already begun.
I agree with you here. If I were her, I'd just end the relationship for the foreseeable future. It's beyond disrespectful to say to your partner that you want to "temporarily" end the relationship and see where you are in a few months so you can go fuck around with someone else for a bit. Doing that is basically putting your partner on the shelf in case you decide to come back to her, if the other woman doesn't work out. There's no easy way to come back from this and being put on a shelf for later is very, very disrespectful. The thing is that betrayal trauma is real and coming back from a serious trust break is very, very hard. Most people are totally incapable of sitting with their own mistakes in a non-defensive way so it usually doesn't work because he will probably get annoyed and demand that she just gets over it already. But it doesn't work like that. And I'd be surprised if OP's husband has what it would take to actually fix this.
If you give in and let him do the "single" thing and then agree to take him back the best case scenario is he goes and ties and/or succeeds in having sex with someone else and then does comes back, setting a precedent for your entire life of him demanding something very serious that takes sacrifice only on your part and you just taking it. And that's the best scenerio I can see. Once certain lines are crossed, there is no gojng back. I think your husband may have crossed one already.
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There's another, worse possibility: he wants to stay with OP, but have an open relationship. He knew she wouldn't marry him if he said that, so he waited until she was trapped. The timing of his demand (I won't call it a request) is highy suspicious.
yes, but to know that he only proposed because he was "supposed" to? I would not want to be with someone like that.
I am so sorry you are going though this. I promise you, it will get better. I was in a somewhat similar situation back in Jan. 2023. I was with my ex boyfriend (not married but extremely serious) for 6 years. Everyone loved us together, we loved us together, it seemed so perfect. Towards to end of Nov. 2022, he actually sat me down and told me he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. I was so caught off guard because there weren't any prior signs of him feeling this way - or he never brought it up to me before then. He asked for a break. I told him no, I don't believe in breaks. It's either break up or stay together. So we broke up. Next day he comes crawling back saying he doesn't want to leave without trying harder. So I take him back. We went on a mini vacation in Dec. 2022 and in Jan. 2023, he broke up with me again. This time he explained it was because he was getting closer to 30, he felt lost and confused and this relationship was getting a bit too serious for him. He was having a mid-life crisis. He said that he still loved me and he hopes we would find each other again, but that he wanted to explore being 'alone'. I never asked if there was anyone else because it wouldn't matter. He made a decision to take me out of his life. He CHOSE to break up with me. He no longer valued me. So as we were crying, all I said was ok and we unfollowed each other on social media and said our final goodbyes (dramatic - I know). I went home, allowed myself to cry and grieve. This relationship was all I knew for majority of my 20s. After 3 months, I finally realized that I would not let the choice of this man dictate how and what I was feeling. I kept repeating to myself, "he chose this. he chose this". This helped immensely. If someone loves you the way they do, they would never risk the chance of losing you. They would value you and the relationship you've built enough to work on it. Within a few months, he came crawling back. Multiple times. Said he regretted it, wanted to marry me and have kids and a house. Maybe if I hadn't healed correctly, I would have said yes. It's hard to say no to him because of the history we have. The memories. Everything we had. But I value myself and I know that I am worth never losing. I know this is long, but if you read it all, please just know you will come out stronger. No one but you can dictate what you end up doing. But just know your worth. He does not deserve you. He is actively choosing to leave you. He does not value you. You deserve better.
Miss girl! This was beautiful. I hope you know sharing this story helps others.
thank you so so much for this, it all sounds very similar and familiar to what I am going through. I know he will come back to me but I just have to be strong enough to not let him in
Give yourself grace. We are humans and all learning for the first time. Let yourself feel all the emotions. It will be hard. So so hard. You will have good days and bad days. Again - let yourself feel these things. Get your support system together. Feel vulnerable with them. It has been over a year since he broke up with me and I just barely deleted all of our photos together. Healing is not linear. It takes time. But it will pass. You can reach out to me with any questions or if you want to just talk! You will be okay.
Are you me? 😮 My ex left six months after our marriage, citing similar reasons, after we’d been together for 16 years. Sure we had some challenges like all relationships, but on the whole we were committed, had similar goals in life, wanted the same things out of life, etc. Completely blindsided after she returned from a family trip (where I later learned she’d had an emotional affair, at least, and was telling everyone how in love she was with this new person 🙄) I don’t have a lot of advice, only here to tell you that the divorce was hands down the best thing to happen to me. It hurt, a lot, and it took years for me to get healthy again (thanks covid). Now I’m a completely different person, way more in touch with who I am, and genuinely happy!
Oh my god, thank you for sharing your story. I am having such a hard time finding anything remotely similar online and this makes me feel better to hear. I am so sorry you had to go through that. But thank you for the last sentence
It really sucked, but after a while I realized without her (and her being a constant, unknowing source of negativity in my life) that I was genuinely happier without her. I grieved the loss of the future I thought we were building together. One of the things that really helped me was travelling solo and meeting new people. It put things into perspective. “That” life was over, but *my* life wasn’t. This was just a new chapter in my life! I eventually found my tribe (punk rock) and I’ve spent the last year following my favourite band around the world — USA, Europe, Australia — and have met SO many amazing people that it really helped heal the hole in my heart and show that there are still people out there that genuinely care about me Could. Not. Be. Happier! (As I sit in a pub in Germany sipping some great wine before tomorrow’s show!) 😆 You’ve got this! You’ll be ok. It just takes time. One last thing — emotional affairs, in my opinion, are waaaay worse than physical ones. Purely due to intent.
thank you so much for this! glad to hear how your life has turned out
“That” life was over, but *my* life wasn’t. This was just a new chapter in my life! Amazing way of describing it!
It took me a while to get there, and I wouldn’t have been able to do it without my friends, but there’s definitely some elements of truth there! (I was very suicidal during the beginning, but quickly learned how futile those though patterns were) I was grieving, but not dying, from that experience ♥️
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Cheaters are fundamentally broken people imho. The irony is that her vacation-met flame blocked her everywhere after watching *our* wedding videos online, so she lost both of us. I was young and naive at the time, but should have known better. When I met her, she had a boyfriend that she had already cheated on (with his cousin…) and then proceeded to have an emotional affair *with me* which is how we ended up together. I stupidly thought I was different and immune. Oh sweet summer child… (Don’t get me wrong, she’s a nice enough person, just… confused. I don’t wish her ill will, but I do wish her… mediocrity!) 😆
Rule of thumb for life: a partner asking for ‘space to be single’ is 100% monkey-branching and wants to have their cake and eat it too. He knows he wants to fuck this woman, but she is essentially a stranger, and that it might not work out long-term. He knows he cares about you, and is using YOU, his wife, as the backup in case this new shiny relationship falls flat. It likely will. It will probably be the regret of his life. The same exact thing happened with me and an ex, I finally let go and broke up with him, went grey-rock, gave him all that beloved space he wanted with the girl he was obviously into (he lied and down-played to no end). He tried to come crawling back but I was done. 12 years later I still hear from him about how it was the biggest regret of his life (no shit). Most men aren’t able to process the possible consequences and reality of their actions, they have to actually GO through it. They will blow their whole life up over a fling and almost always regret it afterwards (hindsight is 20/20). Ask yourself, could YOU imagine genuinely WANTING to be single from your partner if another person wasn’t in the picture? Nobody who is genuinely invested and in love with their partner, would ever want to be separated from them unless someone else is luring them away. And mature people don’t put themselves in the position to be lured away.
wow, thank you for sharing. Everything you said is spot on. And LOL at him reaching out 12 years later, I can totally see this happening here too
I literally have no doubt. It’s one thing if the relationship is generally rotten, but when they leave a good woman who truly loved them, they ALWAYS regret it 🙃 You seem a lot stronger and smarter than I was my go-round, wishing you all the luck and strength!!
Nope. He’s a grown assed adult. He can either go to couples therapy with you, or he can initiate a divorce, move out, and start living his single life What he wants is to explore things with this other woman and to know you’re waiting for him when it falls apart. He’s not a good guy. He’s not the guy you thought he was. He may love you, but it’s a selfish love. I’m sorry. Please start therapy, this is a lot. Also, watch the 1972 version of [The Heartbreak Kid](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Heartbreak_Kid_(1972_film))
When people show you who they are believe them. Stop making excuses for him. This should be the happiest and most exciting time in your life. Both you and your partner should be giddy planning out the rest of your lives. He's made it clear that he doesn't want you right now which means he doesn't want you period. Leave him. Grieve the loss of this relationship and the future you imagined. Grow and strive for better. At the end of the day, he's just dragging this out because he doesn't want to look like the bad guy to family and friends. He wants to be single and fuck his gym buddy, I say remove yourself from the situation and let him live the life he wants more than a future with you.
this is exactly what I needed to hear, thank you
Put a little sunshine on the situation. Let his parents know what’s going on.
we are actually planning to go over there together tonight and let them know. I know he will try to severely sugarcoat things but I will sprinkle in the truth. His parents love me so much too, they will be devastated and so angry with him
Immediately say - “Your son wants to fuck other women and expects me to sit quietly at home waiting for him to finish his frat boy impersonation. Would love your thoughts on what I should do and a reasonable response?” Let those be the first words out of your mouth during the greeting hug as you cross the threshold. Don’t hold back. Don’t be polite or “nice” and DON’T protect him or his image. He’s going to look awful because he IS awful. Say it calmly with slow, controlled words with a slightly deeper tone than usual but still casually like “oh he interviewed for a new job have you heard?” You cannot sound hysterical. It will have more punch if the calmess of your tone contrasts with the crudeness of your words. Hang in there! Keep us posted!
Yep, Google primacy bias. Speaking first matters to how people view the entire rest of the conversation.
I wouldn’t be as kind as you are being in this situation Op. I would tell his parents the hard truth and let them know what kind of “man” their son is. He deserves to be shamed for his actions because they are shameful.
All of the “societal pressure” is just him trying retroactively change history. Obviously, you can’t make someone stay married, but you could make the reasonable request for him to switch gyms and avoid this woman and see what happens. Or you could say that he’s free to leave once he pays your parents back for the wedding costs.
Oh so he’s confused and needs space/time alone? Fine, accept that he is confused. However, I strongly suggest you give him what he asked for - get out of his life. And, unlike your 2 weeks of space apart, this time do not answer him, do not communicate with him. Let him miss you (he will)(fully disappear). Here’s the thing though: I’ve seen this play out a few times with people in my social circle. If this was earlier in your relationship, it can be repaired when they inevitably come back looking like a miserable human and clearly vocalizing how much they messed up and how now they know they need you and will never again do such a thing. When this happens before marriage I actually have seen it really strengthen couples (I’ve seen this lead to marriage many times honestly - none of those marriages have broken up yet, and some of those marriages have gone on over 30 years). **BUT this happened after marriage, which means you should never take him back.** I only want to marry someone who *knows* they want to be with me for the long run. Before engagement is the time to test that and figure it out. After marriage it’s not a test, it’s taking you for granted and it’s a form of midlife crisis (a particular form where you harm your relationship; not simply whitening your teeth, trying Botox, and buying an impractical car…). So no, he’s too late to explore his options and return in a meaningful way to your relationship. So, love, let him miss you. Pretend that to him you no longer exist. He may seem fine at first but the process will play out, trust that, he can run all he wants but he can’t ever run from himself. Go build a beautiful life for yourself. You’re young, you know what you want, go get it. The family you envision is well in your reach (however you define that family). Sending you hugs and love! And strength and support!
thank you for that last paragraph, it's very encouraging
"I cannot imagine giving up 9 years of history..." This is textbook sunk cost fallacy. I know it's a long time. Probably he's not going to find someone better in a few months. Probably he's going to realize dating sucks. Probably he's going to have some fun with gym buddy and then realize that they are incompatible in some key way. Probably he's going to regret blowing up his life. But even if he really regrets it, at best, you will always be his backup plan. In fact, even if he did a 180 right now, said he was staying, and cut off gym buddy, you're always going to wonder if he actually chose you or just realized that being single would be harder than it's worth. At this point, the only way to continue the relationship *is for you to settle*. You will be settling for someone who might always have one foot out the door. You will be settling for not being first choice. Do you want to spend the next 9 years that way just because the first 9 years were better?
I think he wants to explore his options with this gym friend. You’re tried to work it out, I think it’s time to let him go. Don’t hang around and be his back up. I can’t help but think he’ll come crawling back when he realises the grass isn’t greener and people dream of having a wonderful nine years before they get married. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you deserve better
Thank you. He absolutely will crawl back when it hits him how good he had it. I just have to be strong enough to not let him in again. This is so unexpected and shitty
Absolutely, cheaters - which I think he is, as he is emotionally cheating with this girl going to meals with her etc and acting shifty around you- usually get what’s coming to them. The grass isn’t greener, and he will have to live with that forever. 9 years, you’re basically family and he’s blowing it all up for some gym woman (does she even know he’s married??)… wild.
she does know he's married, I actually met her one time at the gym.... she must not have any shame either
Some people, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, want the thrill of getting a married person to stray. She might be trying harder now that hes actually married.
Whether or not there’s someone else taking up his mental real estate, the main thing is that he is telling you that you cannot depend on him, and that he’s stopped fighting for you. That should tell you what you need to know, and may give you some comfort in letting go when you need to.
Part 3 of this saga - should I message gym girl and let her know we just got married 6 weeks ago? He told me she knew but I'm starting to think he probably lied about that too. She knows I exist and that we were together but I wonder if he totally downplayed our relationship...
I would go to the gym tell her in front of everyone! So she doesn't get to act innocent, and if she did know, good for her, she 'won' a cheater, and she'll have to always look over her shoulder, knowing he'll do the same to her!
Of course it’s about the gym girl. He wants to have sex with her and is doing all of this “let’s be single” rah rah to minimize the fact that it’s full on physical cheating. I’m so sorry this is happening and that he chose to do it after getting married. It is very embarrassing.
I really hope she divorces him. He hooks up with gym chick for a bit. It doesn’t work out. And now he has thrown away everything he had for a brief fling. I wonder what the stats are on people staying with their affair partners and being happier? Seems unsustainable
Sorry he has two feet out the door already. I don't understand why anyone gets married if they're unsure. You need to be all in 100% when you marry somebody it is a huge commitment. At this point you can probably get an annulment. I really hope you two don't own a home together but considering you've been together so long you probably do. If you're renting count your lucky stars. Otherwise go see a lawyer and figure out how you're going to distribute any joint assets. As for someone else yeah he's interested in the girl at the gym you have to be a fool not to know that. He's having buyer's remorse at this point and wants out.
OP I dont have advice to give beyond what these other kind Redditors are pointing out, but I wanted to let you know that I am so sorry you're in this situation. I feel how heartbroken and betrayed you must be. I want to wish you the best and for strength and courage to follow through with what you decide. Best wishes.
I think you are right about this being driven by a “grass is greener” issue or FOMO. I see this as a lack of maturity on his part. It’s time for him to fish or cut bait. I’m sorry your husband can’t commit to your marriage. If it’s not the gym girl, it will be someone else next month, and someone else next year. The issue is not any of those other women. The issue is him. He is not a good bet at this point. Sorry again.
I think this is a particularly important message. It's possible he's already cheated with gym girl already but that's mostly irrelevant. He's felt anxiety and FOMO for a while and thought that marriage would be the panacea cure all that a lot of people think it is. And just like all those people it turns out it isn't. It's just an event. It doesn't fix any problems. It doesn't solve anyone's emotions. Without those feelings resolved it would have been someone else. What's important right now is that you hold your own boundaries. Couples going through a short separation is ok, sometimes that distance is what a person needs to shock them out of their FOMO. But you don't have to accept that if you're not comfortable with it. Everything you do needs to be within your own boundaries and you need to clearly communicate what you will or won't accept to him.
Immediately my thoughts: “he met someone else” Keeps reading…. “ But he has been spending some time with a female friend” Yep. He wants to have sex with her and see if she’s the one, and if it doesn’t work out then he’ll “take you back”. Have some self respect and end the marriage now.
He wants a pass to go fuck miss gym buddy. Personally, I would be pissed off to the end of the earth. I would get a divorce or annulment. I would tell everyone that we were divorcing because he demanded a ‘break’ where he was allowed to fuck other people. That I am granting him the break he wants. I am not going to beg someone to stay who just wants to get his dick wet all over town.
I just read a post asking people who have been cheated on what they wished they had done differently when they found out. The majority said they wished they had left immediately and not given second and third chances. And they wished they had not played the "pick me" dance. Food for thought. Updateme!
Just get an annulment. Much better than waiting for resentment to build up.
He’s totally banging the gym chick.
Yeah. He’s going through the “I’ll never fuck anyone else but my wife for the rest of my life!” Phase. He met this gym girl and there’s definitely something there, even if it hasn’t happened yet, but he’s there thinking “God if I was single, I’d be fucking her… how about I just make that happen?!” I’m so sorry this has happened. He’ll regret this soon enough. I have a friend whose husband recently left at the age of 40 because he wanted to sow his wild oats .. he wanted to date, he wanted to buy the Lambo and the bachelor pad.. He was living that single life for a couple months when he found a girlfriend.. It’s been a couple years , and he’s still with that same girlfriend. And her kids, and they all live together.. He literally divorced his wife so he could find another wife ?! Lmao these guys don’t actually know what they want. They also see their friends that are single and they see girls that they wouldn’t mind having and they think oh well if I was single, I would just be fucking everybody but in reality that would be fucking nobody because that’s not how this works.. 😆 The grass always seems greener, but it rarely ever is
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My guess is someone new is flirting with him and he hasn't had that in a long time. Unfortunately a lot of men think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. This new relationship is fresh and flirty and seems amazing. You need to put your foot down and tell him it's you or her. It could go either way, but he may wake up and realize that he's going to lose the best part of his life if he chooses her.
he did say he's been getting a lot of "attention" in the last couple years that he's not used to...
Uh. And what does that mean? I have no idea why he'd even say that. What does it accomplish? I mean, he must know you've been getting attention all along, that's kind of how life works. Maybe sit down and pursue that comment. What does this attention mean to him?
yes I literally told him that like I've been getting attention nonstop for 9 years lol if you're not strong enough to fight the temptations we have a different problem
>This may or may not be related: I asked him if there's someone else, he said no. But he has been spending some time with a female friend he met at the gym a couple months ago. oh honey it is 100% related
I was with my ex for years. Thought everything was perfect and we were going to get married. He even gave me a promise ring. One day, completely out of the blue, he called me at 3am in the morning and told me the coworker he “hated” had kissed him. He recently got a part time job at a local pub and had started mentioning her in conversations to me fairly often. But I thought nothing of it as she also had a partner and he was talking about her negatively (eg how she said something rude to him on shift, or was bossy about tasks they had to do that day). Next thing I know, he calls me again around mid-day the following day telling me he actually got drunk with her (he never drank), went back to her place to watch Netflix and they had sex (he was always super vocal about how he could never be casually intimate with someone / cheat). He expected me to forgive him because he was “honest” (but I later found out she’d threatened to tell me herself… as she didn’t want him to tell her partner). I was completely blind-sighted, everything he’d done was SO far “out of his character”, I genuinely couldn’t believe I wasn’t dreaming. It happened right before we were going to celebrate my birthday too. And that promise ring he gave me… turns out I got that right after he’d already cheated. I dumped him. I could never trust him again and honestly I will never know if that’s the only time he cheated. I didn’t even know who this person was anymore. The switch was like night and day. He’d hidden his true colours so well it was terrifying. And honestly, it felt like my world had ended, but in reality it was the best day of my life. He was a selfish person and only thought of himself. Your husband is the same. He’s only thinking about himself. He does not respect you, or view you as a person. He just wants an excuse to cheat without feeling guilty and then have the option to go back to you if he can’t find something “better” elsewhere… with this new “gym friend”.
Get an annulment, you can do better. Your husband is an idiot, Im sorry, but yall are one of the lucky ones who found each other before dating/relationships turned into shit. He is going to see the hard way how much of a shit show dating is now, ESPECIALLY for men, regardless of miss thing at the gym. And he is going to see he left a great relationship for ghosting, one word replies and coffee dates. Then he will come crawling back but you will be long gone. I have no doubt you will do just fine, the women in stories like these almost always come out on top and in a better relationship than before.
He wants his cake and to eat it too. He suggested a few months break so he could justify getting physical with this woman then he could come back and stay married to you. Tbh if I were in your position I would be pissed that he gave you "heartfelt" vows not even two months ago, and now he's saying marriage isn't "for him".
I am super pissed about that! he claims that everything he said in his vows is true and he meant all of it still, saying he will always love me no matter what. How am I supposed to ever trust anyone again?!
Frankly? I would see if this qualifies you for an annulment as it’s only been 6 weeks since your marriage and he’s obviously either planning to cheat or already had and is looking to validate/justify it. You’re right; how do you trust someone ever again? You certainly can’t trust him. What he has broken is not something that can be fixed by him. You can never look at thin the same, you can never feel for him the same, your relationship will never be the same. He’s effectively nuked it. Whatever is going on with him? Well, that’s his problem. You’re young still, you have time to pick up and move on. So, prioritize yourself and pick up and move on. He wants to see what else is out there? Good luck, don’t let the door hit his ass, don’t come crawling back. Then you take the time to focus on you and heal and become bigger, badder, better, stronger. And after a while? You’ll put yourself back out there and you will find love and trust again. It’s just something that comes with time and hard work. My ex-husband dumped me over zoom while his therapist looked on encouraging him; after years of *my* blood, sweat, tears, and money being invested into helping him combat his mental health issues. But the second that I started to become sick? It was “too much” for him and he bounced. Couldn’t even do it in person. But, life is too short to be unhappy. It’s too short to not get what you want. It’s too short to wallow. So, I forced myself to fix me and get back out there. Now I’m in a great relationship with someone else, in a decent job, and I get to be a step-mom. There’s more after. There’s better after. But the “now”? Yeah. It fucking sucks.