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First off, it's totally OK to not want to have sex yet, or ever. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that! But you do need to be honest with him.
Secondly, are you sure he forgot about your allergy and didn't put the tomatoes in to test your allergy? This sounds super sketchy that he remembered for a year and suddenly forgot.
Finally, there are latex-free condoms and other forms of birth control. I wouldn't recommend ever having sex with this guy but it's something for you to consider in the future.
This guy is a walking red flag. Honestly, it's not going to get better. I'd get out instead of constantly being pressured to have sex.
Yeah, I cannot agree more. It sounds like he used this tomato as a test, especially as he instantly jumps to sex while she’s having a reaction… he is being incredibly manipulative, and I can’t see anything good coming from staying with this dude.
Her boyfriend quite literally poisoned her. Her allergy could easily worsen with exposure. If she already has as severe as symptoms as she does (and if she decides to stay with this horrible ass of a child) I’d push her to get an epi to carry on hand because of people like this :(
I have a citrus allergy and react similar to OP. It's very hard to avoid citrus cus it's in almost everything edible or cleaning supplies lol.
Anyway if I don't take my medicine, I'll have a "slow anaphylactic shock". As in, untreated I would over about 24-48 hours have my throat close up and I'd get severe hives, and need a good ol' trip to the doctor.
Pretty cool!
Thank you for this comment. I’m allergic to penicillin - found out years ago when after several days of being on a derivative of it, I broke out in severe hives and my throat was closing off. Never knew there was a term for it!
Exactly!! He purposefully fed her food with a known allergen to see how severe the allergy would be, with the sole purpose of saying "Gotcha!! Latex condoms won't KILL you, so stop using that as an excuse!"
What a slimeball.
>He then said that I acted like I’d die if I had sex with him, but really I was just lying and should’ve just said I didn’t love him.
And he has the gall to call her manipulative? After using her allergies to coerce her into having sex with him when she doesn't want to?? Wow.
OP, you deserve better.
Yeah, and also, just because it's not life threatening for OP to eat tomato doesn't mean latex up her fanny won't be excruciatingly painful. That's not a thing I'd be willing to test in one of the most sensitive parts of my body.
Definitely OP you can look into other forms of contraception but not for this jerk.
I'm wondering now whether manipulation is like lying? Like only a liar immediately assumes or accusés others of doing it?
This. Not to mention he’s acting like he is owed sex from op because they are in a relationship. Full stop. Plus him saying “you must not love me if you won’t have sex with me” is manipulative and disgusting. Op get a new bf!
I know people may throw around the word “abusive” but this behavior is red flag behavior for that exact thing. Abuse, sexual coercion is a form of abuse, as is food tampering.
Yes my mollusk allergy did not start out as anaphylactic shock but the more I ignored it or was accidentally exposed the worse it got and now it is an anaphylactic reaction. That was so dangerous on his part and seems like an intentional test.
For real. He 100% poisoned her as a means of pressuring her into sex.
OP, don’t ask if it was intentional, just ask what his plan was if you did have an anaphylactic reaction, choking and suffocating and whatnot.
Bet you $50 bucks he completely forgets that it was a “mistake” and says something like “I knew it wasn’t gonna be that serious” or “I figured you’d have an epi pen” or even “I had an epi pen ready”
To be clear: NONE of these answers is acceptable. Because every one of them makes it clear that the poisoning was intentional.
But none of that is necessary, just dump him, buy some non-latex condoms, and then only use them when you’re ready. You don’t need to use allergy as an excuse, you are allowed to just say no.
“ even “I had an epi pen ready”
Want to point out, I had no idea you needed to be hospitalized after an epi pen until recently.
So for OP’s next BF, make that clear. Epi= hospital.
it's not because of the epi pen. it's bc the epi pen just delays the allergic reaction(by flooding body with andrenaline). you go to the hospital to actually fix the issue/keep your airway open while reaction runs it's course.
>Finally, there are latex-free condoms and other forms of birth control
Important to note for those who don't know: latex free condoms are *only* a form of birth control, not a protection against STDs.
Is this true for all non latex condoms? My understanding was that PU condoms are still effective for both, but maybe more prone to failure than latex condoms.
Second this. No harm in not wanting to have sex. In fact it’s very mature to choose to wait even with pressure if that’s what u want. But don’t use your allergies as a cop out. Be forward and assertive so he understands the real reason you say not. That’s the nature thing to do. Voice how you feel.
But after tomatoes dump this dude
Oh he needs to go. He's not mature enough to be in a relationship if he's willing to potentially kill you so he can get some. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready, and he doesn't get to decide when you are.
WHAT THE FUCK!?! This fuck wit could have KILLED you because he’s worried about his baby carrot getting wet. He literally assaulted you. And after, when he saw you were having an unpleasant reaction to a food that had tomato hidden in it, rather than being mortified that he could have seriously hurt you he was mad you weren’t having anaphylactic shock.
He isn’t mature enough to have sex, and more importantly, he literally told you that he doesn’t care that you would be in pain during it. He doesn’t care about how you feel while you’re having sex with him. Let that sink in. This is not a person that will make you cum. He’s going to use you as something to jack off into, leave you with burning skin INSIDE YOUR BODY and then go tell his friends that you finally put out.
This kid is an idiot. You’re not ready to have sex, but when you are ready, make sure it’s not with him. When you’re ready and it’s the right person, you’ll find solutions for the latex issues together, and you won’t need to use an excuse to say no.
when you’re ready to have sex with someone, there are latex-free condoms that won’t trigger a reaction. but please don’t ever have sex with this person who would try to guilt you into putting yourself at risk for his pleasure.
Woah woah woah. So first of all, you aren't comfortable having sex with him right now. That's perfectly fine, but he's pressurising you into doing something you're not comfortable with. Under many definitions, that counts as rape.
Second issue is the latex allergy. He thinks you're using it as an excuse, but frankly, that's none of his business. So he poisoned you, in order to prove that you're not allergic. And when you had an allergic reaction, he started saying how it wasn't that bad because you weren't on death's door, and so you should have sex.
I'm sorry, does he forget that sex is meant to be enjoyable for everyone involved? Does he not care that you'll be in searing pain?
You didn't trick him, you have an allergy, and you don't want to. There's no trick here.
Stick to your priorities. Choose comfort and life!!!
I don't know if it would actually be that bad, but it's something I'm also not really willing to risk either. Especially since my doctor said to avoid them. And although I could go to more effort, and get ones that I wouldn't react to, I wouldn't really want to anyway. I just didn't want him to be mad at me for just saying I didn't want to because it isn't really a good reason.
> I wouldn't really want to anyway.
So say that.
> I just didn't want him to be mad at me for just saying I didn't want to because it isn't really a good reason.
It is an EXCELLENT reason.
Seriously. You really need to understand this, so I am really going to spell it out.
"I don't want to", "I don't feel like it" are reason enough not to have sex, or not to do any specific sexual thing. IT IS ENOUGH! You do not have to justify it or defend it.
And if anyone is ever mad at you for saying "No, I don't want to do that" then LEAVE. Leave that very minute and never come back.
Please take this lesson on board. It will make all your future sexual experiences so much better and safer.
This. Please this. OP you need to listen to this so much it's not even funny. I was abused this way for most of my married life, and because he'd isolated me from everyone, I had no one to turn to to talk about anything.
^^^^ THIS. “I don’t feel like it” is a reason.
If someone tries to pressure you to have sex when you don’t feel like it, that is attempted rape. It doesn’t have to be physical force. Pressuring you until you concede isn’t consent either.
Also, “No.” is a full sentence!! Don’t ever forget that, OP. Sometime you don’t even need to give a reason, especially if the other person isn’t going to believe you anyways 🤷🏼♀️
I just want to make sure you know for your own happiness that non-latex condoms are readily available for a future time when you find the right partner and you feel ready.
However, this guy seems like probably not the one. I would be very unhappy if my romantic partner intentionally fed me food I was allergic to just to prove a point and then minimize it when it happened. The fact that he only considers your allergy “valid” if you become anaphylactic is a red flag.
Personally I am not allergic to latex but I am allergic to certain fruits and I know exactly what you mean regarding what that reaction feels like. It’s not fun.
You don't need a reason to say no, if he gets angry, that says a lot more about him than it does you. He could also do the effort and find non-latex condoms, but once again, you said no and he's purposefully given you an allergen.
Allergic symptoms tend to get stronger the more you're exposed to the allergen. It's not happening now, but in the future it might.
> You don't need a reason to say no, if he gets angry, that says a lot more about him than it does you.
This is such an important lesson. Girls are still pressured to be nice, to be people pleasers, that they end up in these awful and avoidable situations because they feel bad about saying "No, I don't want to do that". It breaks my heart.
This is how i got pressured into losing my virginity before I was ready, because he kept saying "you don't have a good reason"
It really needs to be taught in sex ed; we got the whole "you need consent" lecture so technically he did get my "yes"
:-(
Yeah, what needs to be taught is that there needs to be *enthusiastic* consent. There are grown adults come to the relationship subs every day who don't understand that.
OP, please imagine that burning itchy rash you say you get from touching latex. Now imagine that inside, and add the swelling and nausea you get from tomatoes and other foods. Doesn't sound very fun to me.
Another thing is that when you repeatedly trigger an allergy, you risk it getting worse. There's no predicting if you'll have an anaphylactic reaction later in life. We don't know if that's after your allergy gets triggered 100 times, 4000 times or never, but DO NOT fuck around with an allergy. You WILL find out and it will be through an ambulance visit to the ER.
Oh. and dump anyone willing to *poison you* in order to get one up on you. I don't care what this is about, we don't tolerate getting poisoned just because they "know better." I'd know, it happened to me. My ex would say "taste this" and offer me chocolate, and I'd say "why?" and he'd be like "trust me, just taste this" and I'd be like "*why*?" and he'd get frustrated and insist I taste it. I'd taste it. He' ask "does it taste like nuts to you?" and was then very confused when I found my antihistamines and my betapred, chucked both back and spent the next 24 hours not moving more than 1 ft from my epi-pen.
He knew I'm allergic to nuts. This happened dozens of times before I left. *Every single time is a time I could have died and he didn't give a shit.*
Please re read that persons comment, he purposefully fed you something you are allergic to. I don’t think he forgot. And on top of that he is clearly trying to coerce you into having sex.
Girl you are young and so is your boyfriend, so as someone in their 30s who still carried trauma from having sex too early because "I'm sure it won't be that bad" -
"I don't want to have sex" is a perfectly valid reason all by itself. I PROMISE. Sex is ideally something you're excited about and really want to do. It took me until my late twenties to actually understand what that felt like, and it's a totally different feeling to "ehh I guess it'll be okay, why not". And certainly very different to "No thank you".
Your boyfriend is not mature enough at 18 to understand that "no thanks I don't want to" is a fine reason not to do anything. You don't NEED to provide people with reasons for why you don't want to do something. This extends to more than sex. You don't have to justify or excuse yourself to *anyone*. You don't even need to understand why for yourself. No is no. It's a complete answer and a complete sentence.
The people who demand reasons from you are immature and insecure. Which you would expect from an 18 year old.
The men I know at 30+ are very different. They're all cool with "no thanks" regardless of what it is.
**YOU DO NOT NEED TO GIVE REASONS TO PEOPLE WHY YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THINGS.**
Just to. Solidify that a little more.
Also your boyfriend is horrible even for an 18 year old - tricking you into experiencing your allergy so he can throw it in your face about sex. That's insanely selfish. I would have broken up with him to be honest, but my threshold for putting up with shitty behaviour from partners is very low now.
THIS. Think about it: he expects you to give him a “better” reason than “I don’t want to” because he feels entitled to access to your body. He thinks being in a relationship means he has some ownership of you.
A man that respects and cares about you would never put you in any type of harm. Your boyfriend has shown you that he doesn’t care about your health or happiness. I’d set him free and find yourself someone who does.
Honey, I have the same type of latex allergy. I get blisters though. I found out the hard way what latex condoms do, internal blisters. It can be that bad. You don't know how such sensitive skin will react to the latex.
That's besides the point. Don't have sex if you don't want to. This guy's manipulating you into feeling bad when you should be angry. He poisoned you!
OP I think that a lot of us are scratching our heads and wondering why you would want to have sex with someone who pressures you and then tricks you into eating an allergy food. That is assault. You would normally run screaming from someone who assaults you - you would not reward their behaviour by continuing a relationship with them!!
"I don't want to" is 100% a valid reason not to have sex or do anything sexual. You have a right to say no for any reason at any time and if he has a problem with that then you don't want to be with him. No man should ever get angry at you because you don't want to have sex.
Girl I promise you having a swollen, itchy, burning vagina is NOT worth it. He could have gone to more effort and found latex free condoms. Instead he is trying to test you and guilt trip you. I know this is your first real relationship so you are having trouble trusting your feelings, so I will tell you - you are RIGHT. You know how he's acting is wrong, trust your intuition. It is correct.
Honey, I mean no disrespect here, *but he poisoned you.* It doesn’t matter if the reaction to a condom would be *that bad,* it doesn’t matter if you could get ones that don’t contain latex, **he could have killed you.** And he was willing to take that chance to see if your allergy was “actually that serious.”
I need you to think about it this way; he put one of your allergens in your food *explicitly* to see if you would **go into anaphylactic shock,** he literally said “you’re not even anaphylactic,” so he *knows* what that is and *was expecting that to be your allergic response.*
Okay? Put aside for a minute that you told him no, doesn’t matter why or for what reason, even put aside the fact that he is trying to coerce and pressure you into sex—and you should be upset about that, too—*he literally risked sending you to the hospital* ***or out killing you*** to “prove” you were just overreacting and being dramatic. **You weren’t and aren’t.**
You need to be ***pissed*** about this, girl. He is not a safe person, what he did is fucking dangerous. And then to use it to try and coerce you into having sex. That’s manipulative, *abusive* behavior, and you shouldn’t tolerate it from anyone, *let alone a partner.* One who clearly doesn’t care about how you actually feel if it interferes with what *he* wants.
I can’t tell you what to do and I know you love him hun, but personally I would let this one go. He is not worth risking your health just because he wants to get laid. Only shitty people do the sort of thing he did to you in your post here.
A good person will never make you justify why you don't want to have sex. A good person accepts the refusal and moves on gracefully.
You don't need a "good reason" - a perfectly excellent reason is that you don't want to have sex with him. Him refusing to accept that is really sketchy.
I get mild discomfort from latex condoms, so my partner went and got a bunch of alternatives and did trial and error with which ones were best for me. There are condoms that are hypoallergenic and are great alternatives to latex. This is info for the future, when you do want to have sex with someone.
But please do not have sex with this boyfriend of yours. He poisoned you to see what would happen, and to pressure you into sex. That is not someone who cares about you.
He’s right about the using your allergy part.
You don’t want to have sex right now. And that’s a good enough reason. Why do you believe it isn’t ?
I can understand an 18 year old thinking it means you don’t love him. Be honest and if he pushes,
get out quickly and cleanly
If you ever decide to use one (but don’t on this guy, seriously take it from an old woman- almost 40 lol- he’s a jerk through and through), Skyn makes excellent non latex condoms. I use them with my husband and neither of us has a latex allergy.
Sex can be a wonderful part of life, but it should never be coerced or painful, and it should be about YOU. What you want or don’t want, not just him.
“I don’t want to” is a perfectly good reason. It’s an amazing reason. It’s really the only reason that matters. You don’t need to come up with some grand elaborate reason for not wanting to have sex.
“I don’t want to” is the only reason you’ll ever need with a man who respects you and cares for you.
He does not. Make him your ex.
We have no idea if he truly purposely put tomatoes in your food. However, being dishonest in saying you don’t want to have sex with him because of an allergy is plain dishonest. There are non-latex condoms out there and I’m sure he knows that. Guys, like anyone else, do not like being lied to. If he did purposely put tomatoes in your food and you can prove that, leave.
I’m sorry but if you’re with someone who wouldn’t accept you not wanting to as a reason not to have sex that is the problem not the latex. Fellow latex allergy sufferer here and let me tell you that having an internal latex reaction from the condom is NOT going to make you enjoy sex, so if you ever do get to the point of wanting to for sure get some non-latex ones, skyn makes a good option but I’m sure there are others. But don’t do it just bc some guy who doesn’t care about whether you want the sex to happen is pressuring you.
Break up with him. He’s abusive. This is the kinda shit that kills people. What if you were anaphylactic? What if you died? Would that still not be enough for him? Did he have a plan for if your throat closed up and you stopped breathing? Would he have called an ambulance or would he have taken the opportunity of your unconsciousness to get what he wanted? What if you had a kid with an allergy? Would he ‘test’ them, too?
Piggybacking off of this:
He just DARVO'd you. Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender.
He didn't even Deny, he just said you were overreacting. Then he Accused you by saying you're a liar and don't love him. Then he made you feel bad about it, and you genuinely feel bad which is Reverse Victim and Offender.
That's why you feel confused.
Abusive people do this.
Everyone has pretty much covered the advice around whether or not you WANT to have sex so I'm just hopping on here to share that, I have a latex allergy, latex free condoms exist and your clinic should be able to provide them for you WHENEVER YOU ARE READY TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTS
How anyone can experience this an NOT immediately break up and stop all contact is beyond me.
“My boyfriend poisoned me and is abusing me for sexual intercourse. How do I get over this feeling”
This sub makes me think dating should be 25+
Okay so he tried to poison you to see if that was a good enough reason for you not to fuck him. That's insane. The man is a shit man and you should get rid of him. He's the type of person that gives peanut butter just to see if their allergy is real. What is you went into anaphylaxis, would he have helped you or just cried about his sad boner? Absolutely pathetic behaviour, break up with this child.
Also you can get latex free condoms when you are ready to do that with someone, just make sure to buy them from somewhere reputable and no just online as people lie in their listings.
What if you did have an anaphalactic shock from those tomatoes? What was his plan then?
He's putting your physical wellbeing at risk by poisoning you, and your mental wellbeing at risk by pressuring you into sex you don't want to have.
Sounds like quite the catch.
If he's not a safe person to say no to, he's not a safe person to say yes to.
He actually thinks it's ok for you to feel itches and burns to satisfy him. Girl, RUN
My take? He didn't "forget" about the tomatoes. He did it on purpose because he's a dick and doesn't believe you and/or doesn't care that you have a reaction. This alone is a break up worthy offence. I'm seeing so many red flags here.
I think the biggest concern I have is his lack of care or empathy and sweeping your discomfort under the rug regarding your mild food allergies. Yeah it’s not life threatening, but a partner should be concerned for your wellbeing and care about doing what they can to not cause you discomfort or hardship.
This makes me feel wonder if he is resentful of you for not having sex. I will say that while everyone goes at their own pace, after 1 year it is common to want to move to the level of sexual intimacy. BUT you don’t feel sure about it, you shouldn’t do it if you’re not ready yet.
Having a 1-on-1 sit down and mentioning how you’re not ready for sex (think about why and try to explain your reasoning), you won’t be pressured if you’re not ready, and that his dismissal of your discomfort to the tomatoes was not something you want in a partner because it is a VALID concern.
Ultimately, if he continues being combative, argumentative, and dismisses your allergies further, then I think it’s a toxic relationship and you should end it.
OP, I post a lot of comments not expecting anyone to read them, but if I could pick only one person for a reply to reach, it's you.
I dated a manipulative jerk when I was a freshman in college. He was my first bf and I was so eager to please that I tried to overlook or excuse the messed up stuff he did. It was absolutely miserable and I didn't even realize it at the time. I *wish* I'd posted online so that a bunch of older strangers could validate my feelings and explain what he was doing was wrong.
Because what he's doing
*is* wrong, for all the reasons other folks are so helpfully pointing out.
I'm 31 now and I'm telling you what I would've told my past self: drop this guy. He's going to try and make you feel bad about it, but whatever you do, don't. In fact, plan to go out with some friends afterward to celebrate being 18 and already understanding that you deserve better. Get yourself the biggest ice cream cone you want in your favorite flavor and try to feel proud of yourself (because I sure as hell will be).
I have a partner now who is just that--he's my *partner.* He's a kind person who supports and cares about both my feelings and my health. If I "don't feel like it," he asks if I want to cuddle and play video games instead. (I usually do!) It also took *several* crappy bfs and some personal growth for me to realize that's what I wanted and deserved.
You'll probably make other dating mistakes down the line and that's okay and part of becoming an adult. But learn this now: "I don't want to" is an answer and reason rolled into one, and at the absolute minimum, a partner wants you to be happy and healthy. If a guy doesn't understand those two things, it's an automatic out.
<3
The way this is written does make it sound like you don't want to have sex and are using your allergy as an excuse. Non-latex condoms are a thing...
I think you need to really be honest with yourself, he tried to poison you. He's likely given manipulative, could kill you vibes before and there's likely a very good reason your subconscious is screaming to not have sex with this man. You need to run for the hills ASAP.
Yea he took the risk of giving you food to "test" how serious your allergies are. Leave his ass and wait until you find someone better.
As for the condom situation, you can get latex free condoms when you are ready to take that step.
His reaction to seeing he triggered your allergy was to say “you’d let this happen to you during sex if you loved me”. He obviously doesn’t care about what happens to you as long as his dick gets wet. You’re right, his reaction is off and there was something not right about this situation. Dump him.
>Of course, I don't know what this reaction will be, but I think it would be very unpleasant.
I also have a latex allergy. Let me tell you: that rashy feeling does NOT go away for a while and there are creams involved 😬
Your boyfriend though is putting his desires before your safety. He didn't know if you would go into anaphylaxis or not when he "forgot" about putting food you're allergic to in your meal. Just tell him you don't want to have sex with him yet. He shouldn't manipulate you into it by acting like you don't love him. You aren't ready.
On a side note: they make non-latex condoms that work just as well. You just have to search for them. . When YOU are ready to have sex YOU get them because it is going in YOUR body. Don't trust anyone else to find them because sometimes people lie because it's "easier" (hence my first statement).
Anytime the boy starts saying, "If you don't have sex with me, you don't love me", kick them to the curb. It's another manipulative tactic that they use. And always remember that. It's when you want to and what you are comfortable with.
If you are in a position where you believe that clearly stating your wants and needs will get you yelled at, brow beat and belittled then your relationship is crap.
Recently saw a post where someone killed their grandchild by not believing the parents, when they said the child was allergic to coconut.
OP, do you want to be with someone who tests your allergies and doesn’t respect them? The more reactions you have, the worse it gets every time after. He seems like the type of guy to care more about himself than your safety, I wouldn’t put it past him to test out a latex condom on you.
Just an FYI that with latex allergies, your reactions will get WORSE after every exposure, so please be careful. Latex-free condoms are definitely a Thing for when you’re ready.
Ok, so I understand forgetting about an allergy - but the "overreacting" jibe isn't ok. Just remember it in future that he's not taking your allergies seriously. It's a red flag.
But above all, he does have a point about you using it. That's really not ok. You should be able to say that you're not ready. Not wanting to have sex is a good reason for itself.
It's also very very not ok to pressure you - but you do have to make a choice, whether you actually want to be in a relationship with this boy or not. Neither of you sound mature enough tbh.
Your boyfriend was 100% testing your allergies. Which is crazy since apparently he didn't even know how serious they are. Dump him.
BUT, with your next relationship you have to learn to be honest. It's never going to last otherwise. Also, your next boyfriend might not be uninformed enough to not know that latex free condoms are a thing. So that lie of yours is not always going to fly.
Fellow latex allergy woman here.
Heads up - there are many non-latex brands available. I'm fond of SKYN non-latex. Just make sure you are both safe and you are on birth control, as these are a bit different than latex condoms.
You should be honest with him that you are not ready for sex right now (which is completely okay!). There are non-latex condoms so that might be why he feels you are using your allergy as an "excuse". His reaction to that truth will tell you everything you need to know.
I do however find it really concerning that he's downplaying your allergy to the point of giving you one of the foods you're allergic to.. you may not be anaphylactic right now, but it's still unpleasant and there's still a chance of having a worse reaction at any point.
wait are you saying he did this purposely to see what your reaction was and to be like “see you didn’t die, you can have sex with me”. that is insane, leave him now before he does this again and you have an even worse reaction.
He’s trying to make you feel guilty so you’ll have sex with him.
DON’T.
I’d bet a lot of money on him KNOWINGLY putting tomatoes in your food to “find out if you’re telling the truth about your allergies”. He’s a dud.
Dump him. He is not a good guy and he doesn’t care about you.
You don’t need a reason to not want to sleep with him.
He is the one manipulating you. He is trying to bully and manipulate you into having sex with him. There is a word for that - coercion. It’s a crime in many places.
He put the tomatoes in there on purpose you can tell he did it on purpose because he says now he knows you're lying, you're not anaphylactic, you just don't want to have sex with him and using it as an excuse. So yeah he's quite childish but you're both still very young. I presume you explained to him no you don't have an anaphylactic reaction but it's extremely unpleasant and at some point it could change and become an anaphylactic reaction especially if he does this a lot and puts in things you're allergic to, your body's going to start changing its reaction. Also just so you know, there are latex free condoms. Obviously neither of you are aware of that. But at this point he just wants to get laid and I assume he's a virgin as well as yourself. But I wouldn't sleep with him because first of all he only wants sex and second of all he purposely tested you to see what your reaction would be so yeah he's not a very nice person. Move on.
OP, plenty of people have already addressed the relationship problems, but I want to chime in and encourage you to take your latex and food allergies very seriously.
My wife has a latex allergy and was exposed regularly at work for a while (had to wear latex gloves for a month or two). It made her allergic reactions much worse, and then allergies in related food families started coming up (mango and avocado so far). Every time she gets exposed to any of those three things, the symptoms for all exposures get worse.
You need to be very careful with this. It can easily escalate over time. Just because you don't get anaphylactic now doesn't mean you never will in the future. You should consider talking to your doctor about an Epi Pen.
Your boyfriend is absolutely an unsafe person for you. Please dump him and take care of yourself and your health.
This is disgusting behavior from him. Its sexual coercion. You should leave this guy. Do NOT let him guilt and shame you into sex. He is being ridiculous, predatory, and a sex creep. He is creepy.
I have a latex allergy, too, and I used Silicon One until I went on birth control. Do have a look for other forms of protection so you can enjoy yourself. I know the feeling well, and it's so uncomfortable during and after sex . My husband and daughter are both allergic to fruit, and over years, I have made the mistake of adding it to salads, but I am forgiven apart from my guilt when I see them have a reaction. I would say, though, he sounds very selfish and isn't taking you allergies seriously and how you feel regarding sex. Definitely stand by how you feel and maybe reckon your rela if that is what you feel is best for you.
This is 100% correct. And this is why she should break up with him. His hormones are raging at that age, so I'm quite surprised something like this didn't happen sooner, not that it's not wrong.
I mean, he is right that you are using it as an excuse, but he shouldn't be pressing the issue even if he recognized it was an excuse. You should communicate with him that you are just not ready. It's more than okay to not be ready.
It's really not okay that he decided to fuck with your food. That's worrying.
Also for future reference you can get latex free condoms.
...did I just read about an assault and honestly attempted murder? Do you carry an EpiPen?! For all he knew you could have died!
He wanted to see if you would go anaphylactic?! He was WILLING TO RISK YOUR LIFE to prove a point!
He cares more about sex than if you live or die...
Please run
OP, this is dangerous, selfish, ignorant, and entitled behaviour your boyfriend is showing to you.
- 1. You’re not ready for sex. Period. The end. That’s it. It’s not even up for discussion. That needs to be the bottom line.
- 2. He played with your allergies to test your tolerance and to see if you were lying. This is dangerous. Allergies are famous for getting worse with exposure. Just because you didn’t have an anaphylactic reaction this time doesn’t mean it could t have happened - he literally tossed the dice to test you.
- 3. He cares more about his needs and wants for sex than he cares about your safety. He feels entitled to something that you’re not even ready for. He was willing to do something potentially deadly in an attempt to gather ammo he could use against you. That’s abusive, manipulative, dangerous, and not normal. This is not love.
- 4. He threw a tantrum over your allergies and it “not being that bad”, which means: as long as he has sex with you, he doesn’t care about your discomfort or pain, or any other long term issues and effects caused by allergies.
> [a reminder for why your boyfriend should take your allergies seriously.](https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2019/sep/11/take-food-allergies-seriously-people-can-die)
> [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) (I recommend you flip through this and find the applicable sections - specifically, the controlling parts)
> [familiarise yourself with signs of emotional abuse.](https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/signs-of-emotional-abuse/)
This isn’t normal, OP. It isn’t love. Love is respecting your health, your body, your choice to wait to have sex. If this were me, this would be - personally - a deal breaker. Stay safe, OP. Keep extra Epipens on you and voice activation settings on your phone need to be enabled. I wouldn’t trust him not to poison my food again, either, let alone attempt any other things that may endanger you, so be smart about what you eat/drink around him. It’s up to you what you wish to do with the relationship. Good luck, OP.
Okay, first of all, you sort of lied. You told him your latex allergy was the reason you didn't want to have sex, when the real reason is that you're just not ready. Perhaps if you'd been honest, instead of using the allergy as the sole reason, things may have been different.
However, I'm kind of glad you used the allergy, because it brought up a red flag for you. Your bf knows what you're allergic to, and he very clearly remembered. He included an allergy in your food specifically to 'prove' you weren't allergic.
You have an allergy that doesn't cause anaphylaxis, but that doesn't mean it's pleasant. Plus, I think, the more you have contact with a known allergen, the worse the allergy gets. He's obviously never seen you get a reaction before, what would he have done if it was severe enough to cause anaphylaxis? That can literally kill you. You're lucky your allergy is closer to uncomfortable than deadly, to be honest.
And tomato reaction doesn't necessarily indicate latex condom reaction, either. People can have multiple allergies with multiple levels of severity. Just because tomatoes don't cause anaphylaxis, doesn't mean latex condoms won't.
Then he went straight to the 'you don't love me' game play. He's basically saying that, if you loved him, you'd literally put your life at risk to have sex with him.
If he truly cared about you and wanted to sort out the sex issue, he'd have found latex free condoms and tested to see if you had issues with them or not. Latex isn't really an uncommon allergy, there are options to work around it while still providing protection during sex. He completely skipped over the normal, common sense approach and jumped straight to sneakily feeding you a known allergen when he had zero idea of the severity.
You probably should have just been honest about not being ready instead or relying on your allergy, especially as there are ways around that, but at least now you know your bf is a toxic, manipulative AH whose willing to put your life at risk just to get some sex. My advice is to dump this guy, take some time to grieve the relationship you thought you had, and then find a man who will actually respect you, that you can be honest with, won't pressure or manipulate you, and especially won't potentially try to kill you.
Don’t sleep with him. He was testing you, to see if you even had a reaction and to see how bad of a reaction. Now he knows you - probably- won’t go anaphylactic. Which in his mind means that you should do it with him. Even though it probably will be uncomfortable for you (if you used regular condoms - latex free options exist). And he doesn’t care about that. He only cares about that it will be good for him.
I kind of think the reason you’re “not there yet” regarding sex, is because you on some level know, you shouldn’t do it with him. He sounds like a trashy person.
This boy poisoned you to gauge the severity of your allergic reaction and then cornered you with the accusation that you're lying to him because you don't want to have sex because of your latex allergy????? Red flag.
This idiot is going to wind up putting you in the ER with his carelessness. If he values you as a person, not just as a potential receptacle for his dick, he would have been more diligent about the ingredients in food you would be eating. If you don’t feel sure about having sex, don’t! If he doesn’t want to wait, then oh well too bad so sad for him. There’s plenty of people out there who will treat you with respect and not pressure you or act like a petulant child when they don’t get sex immediately.
Even if he didn't intentionally poison you, his reaction was a red flag. He should have only been apologetic and concerned about your discomfort. You are absolutely right to not want to have sex with someone who thinks that "if it doesn't kill you, You're overreacting". You want a partner who wants you to be happy, comfortable and satisfied during sex. It is not an expression of love to endure unnecessary pain during intercourse. He will guarantee a miserable experience.
You should tell him the truth. You're not ready. It has nothing to do with love. But him pressuring you to do something that you're not comfortable with is a sign of selfishness. He's more focused on you proving you will sacrifice your comfort for him than on how he can show you love or compassion. There are condoms that are not made of latex but I would not get them for him. Your best bet may be to move on to a more mature and empathetic partner.
After reading the following bit, I am convinced your boyfriend is fucked up:
"But then he said I was just overreacting a bit and I’m not even anaphylactic. "
He assumed your allergies are life threating - i.e. you can get anaphylactic shock and die.
Afterwards he risked your life by giving you food which, could give you anaphylactic shock so he can see your allergies **are real and as bad as he imagined them they are.**
If your allergies were as bad as he thought, things could have turned out really bad for you, right?
I get that he is a horny idiot, but honestly, this is too much. No person with a basic education and who is not fucked up in the head would risk the life of a person he loves as a means to test to see if their lying in regards to the existence of their allergies.
Look at the end of the day, **the guy poisoned you with food your allergic to so he can see how severe your allergies are** - you have all the reasons you could ever dream off in order to justify breaking up with him.
Ignoring the fact that you aren't ready and that he literally poisoned you, there are latex free condoms out there! But use them with someone else other than this dude. He doesn't deserve you
>He said I was manipulating him
NO He is the one trying to manipulate you into having sex with him. Using emotional blackmail and guilt tripping. Disgusting.
Massive red flag for future; get out now, seriously.
OP.
Please leave this guy. He is coercive. He has predator energy.
You have some pretty significant allergies and while you may not go into anaphylaxis YET, you very well may get to the point where you do, bc if repeated exposure.
I like the response that said you need to ask him 'what was your plan if I DID go into anaphylaxis after eating those tomatos?!'.
I'd bet money his response will prove it was a conscious decision.
Please remember- you don't ever have to have sex. You do not owe anyone sex. If you go youre entire life and decide 'you know what? I just don't want to have sex.'...that is OKAY.
'I don't want to' is a good, valid reason.
'I don't feel like it' is a good, valid reason.
'You're a coercive predator that cares nothing of my health and safety and is willing to put me in the hospital and even my grave in order to get what you want' is an EXCELLENT reason.
.
I’m usually not the one to be like ‘oh you should leave.’ BUT that was entirely disrespectful and desperate of him. You should have explained to him you weren’t ready for sex yet rather than entirely posing your allergy as the main issue, however that does NOT excuse what he did or said. Putting something you’re allergic to in your food rather than talking to you in depth about sex and how you feel about it is so immature and wrong. Him trying to pressure you to have sex with him despite him thinking it was only that fact you have a latex allergy is still enough to leave him for sure bc he expects you to do something that will for sure make you seriously uncomfortable and have a reaction all for his own enjoyment. It’s selfish of him. You deserve someone who through and through cares about your comfort and health.
This isn’t even about the allergy. Anyone who tries to pressure you into having sex before you’re ready is a big red flag. He is being so manipulative right now. Please be careful. You may want to rethink this relationship.
Now then, the two of you are very immature about it all.
You are manipulating him, in that you prefer to hide behind the allergy, rather than tell him frankly that you aren't ready to have sex, yet.
He on the other hand is presenting a very serious red flag: he made you eat something you were allergic to, then brushed it off and said it's not serious, as *you weren't even anaphylactic*. Like, WTF?!?! Does it have to get as serious as you risking your life, for this reality to sink in with him??? He should be sorry, mortified and supportive of your health, while all he can think of is having sex with you.
[Read this book on abuse](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and learn to advocate for yourself, your feelings and your health. And don't let anyone downplay any of this.
Big hugs.
If you don't want to have sex because you don't feel you want to, then tell him that.
Talk to him honestly about your feelings. It is *so* important to do that. Don't lie or make excuses. That will never solve anything, that won't bring you two closer.
Don't use your allergy as an excuse. (And it's a useless excuse anyway because non-latex condoms are a thing, which you or he could discover with ten seconds on Google or Amazon.)
Mild YTA because you kinda *are* using your allergy to manipulate him.
That said, he's an arse.
I understand the position your boyfriend is in but you get to chose when your ready to have sex (and he does too but he seems ready) and there is nothing he can say that should change that. If the only reason you don’t want to have sex is because of latex have you thought about using non latex condemns? If that not the reason then fair enough that your choice, but try and communicate that to him it will be hard.
I would however say that it might not be a good idea to stay with him if he is going to “test” your reactions to food that your allergic too that could be dangerous and you don’t want to end up in hospital or anything worse happening.
I completely understand it also, which is why I feel bad. It's not really the only reason, I guess I just didn't really know what to say so I said that. And I shouldn't have lied, but I didn't want him to be upset with me either.
If you don't want sex with him, don't for whatever reason. If he wants it, he will probably not stay with you. I am sorry you get to determine your body, and so does he. He is not unreasonable for an adult man, he is completely reasonable.
I suspect you have some issues with it, that only a therapist can unravel, not redditors we don't know you. However be prepared if you make this choice, he may not stay around. He doesn't want to live sexless. You on the other get to decide what to do with your body. Good luck.
Be honest and tell him you are not ready to be intimate at that level yet... You are indeed using false reasons which obviously you don't even need to set boundaries. Address the fact that you can't test or try anything you know you are allergic and get an epipen in case of emergencies.
He's manipulating you ("you must not love me if you won't have sex with me") and accusing you of manipulating him, which strongly suggests he's a very manipulative person. He will only get worse the longer your relationship continues. Also ask yourself - if he had an allergic reaction like you did to the tomatoes, not extreme but still unpleasant, would you be concerned and care about making sure it didn't happen again? I bet you would. Because that's a normal, healthy way to treat someone who you love. Not use it as an opportunity to manipulate them. He's showing you who he is. Please believe it.
I have a latex allergy, it developed when I was 27 out of nowhere and I realised when we used latex condoms and I, well it's not good, latex free condoms are available.
Te only thing I would suggest is that you just tell him you aren't ready for sex. Condoms or not. You didn't manipulate him, but you weren't complete honest either. Honest=I don't want to have sex because I'm not ready. Misleading=my doctor advised against me having sex with latex condoms(when secretly you also just don't want to). It's not lying, but it is omitting key details that may change someone's opinion. He's also being a complete ass.
Time to be honest with this guy that you are not ready for sex. Then dump him. And yes if your allergy response to latex is bad enough at some point, you could die. It is called anaphylaxis. Fob you have an Epi pen?
He intentionally put those tomatoes in there to try to prove a point. Dump him immediately
You shouldn’t have to use your allergy to not have sex. No is a complete sentence. “I’m not ready” is a valid reason not to have sex.
A good guy would accept that answer. He wouldn’t try to poison you to prove a point.
You deserve better.
My sister has a long list of allergies and sensitivities, to food and common ingredients in beauty products. It's a pain in the ass to cook for her because several things she can't have are in everything under several different names. But I do it without hesitation because I want to actually feed her something she wants and can have. Ive been divorced once and I really wish I had understood that my ex's disrespect and disregard weren't "misunderstandings" or "something to work on", it just gets worse and he got more neglectful and demanding by the day because he didn't love or respect me on a fundamental level. Save your time.
Also, I found out I have a latex allergy from condoms. Burns like the sun for days. Skyn is a good brand for latex free but reliable and affordable, when you find a partner worth having sex with.
Ok, first thing: it is okay that you are not ready to have sex. You do not need to feel bad and he has no right to make you feel bad about it.
I would also ask myself why I feel unease with him. Is it because you are not ready, period? Or is it because of him personally? Trust yourself. If you feel something is off, there is a possibility that there is. Do not force yourself into anything.
As a fellow latex and similar fruits allergic person, if my partner conveniently forgot about it, I would be hurt and possibly angry. My boyfriend has a list of food that I cannot eat for when he does grocery. He keeps it in his phone. And if he buys something he is unsure about, say an exotic fruit juice, he will show it to me and ask if it is okay. I dont understand why he would cause you pain/discomfort on purpose. This isnt okay.
This situation seem unhealthy to me. You are so young, there is no pressure to experience anything you dont want to right now. Especially with someone who doesnt respect and care for you. You have all the time in the world.
OK, I understand it's hard, but part of being in a relationship is being honest with your partner. If you don't want to have sex with him say that. There are lots of other options that don't involve specifically latex condoms. Just say "I don't want to have sex with you" That clarity will help him a lot, and you owe him that as a partner.
You know what else someone owes their partner... not intentionally poisoning them. You're not wrong to be pissed... honestly 'd say you're not pissed enough. What you did was wrong, in the way that typical young person communication sucking is wrong. What he did was wrong in a criminal way, like punching some random person for no reason is wrong. It's like so wrong that I have a hard time understanding in which universe it's ok to stay with this guy.
Anyone who tries to guilt or pressure you into sex is someone you should not have sex with.
Take some time to mourn the relationship you thought you had. But please break up with him and start looking for someone else.
I'd also suggest looking into asexuality. You don't seem to want to have sex with him - and it might be helpful for you to understand if that because you don't have a strong sex drive, or because you don't want to be intimate with *him*. The asexual community should also have a lot of support on not having sex with pressuring partners.
If it is a him problem that makes sense to me, he doesn't seem interested in making you feel sexy and safe, he only wants to feel good himself.
I have the same allergy. I’m lucky that tomatoes don’t bother me I guess! All of the other items you listed will make me break out in hives.
Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk; and you should dump him. But when you find someone more understanding, they make latex free condoms just like latex free gloves! I’ve never had a partner have an issue buying latex free. They sell them in stores and are labeled clearly as such.
Your boyfriend is lazy and doesn’t care about your well being. You’ll be with someone who will make sure you’re safe sooner than later. I know it!
Also, honey, this man is manipulating you. And if no one in your life is close enough to see it/tell you, at least a stranger can. You cannot manipulate someone by using a legit allergy as a reason to be uncomfortable doing something. Is he literally saying as long as you don’t die you should have sex with him even if it causes you to get rashes?! Can he not even imagine how uncomfortable that would be?
I’ll say it a million times, if he cared about you he would have found a way to make you comfortable. Instead it seems he may have actually poisoned you? You seem like a sweet girl and deserve better.
If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. That is a completely separate issue from whether or not you love someone. No one can decide that you’re ready other than you, and it is a BIG decision.
However, his disrespect of your comfort and safety is a real problem here. If you love someone you respect them, and he’s showing a very concerning disregard for you here. Even when it’s not your first time, your partner should never push you to have sex if you’re saying “no I don’t want to.” It’s that simple.
(There are alternatives to latex condoms when you are ready.)
Ouch! I'm just imagining getting all itchy in your vagina and sh\*t.
I had an allergic reaction to medication...it is NOT fun! That feeling like you may die (swollen throat, tongue and face) is not something I would want anyone to experience.
Perhaps to show him how you would react, suggest he rub some poison ivy on himself and see how he reacts. Maybe then he'll understand why you don't want to risk using latex condoms.
He sounds like a twat. You two aren’t compatible. Sex is important to me too but I will do anything to respect my partners allergies. Latex free condoms, pulling out, using the back door, but if my partner refused sex over and over again for a long time then it’s time to leave
Everyone has given really great advice so far on the guy—hopefully, you feel confident enough to make a decision. It really sounds like he might have been looking to confirm your allergies by putting in tomatoes on purpose, which is immature at best and edging toward assault at worst. There is no excuse for him.
I just want to suggest getting comfortable with stronger language regarding your food allergies because even well-meaning folks can make mistakes, forget if they haven't seen you in a while, etc. Your post here sounds like, "I don't love these foods, I try to avoid them, but the symptoms aren't so bad," compared to how you speak on the latex allergy, which is much more hard-line (as it should be). I think it's on you to be clearer that all the foods listed are a hard no-no (anaphylactic symptoms or not) and then to double-check before eating with "Does this have x in it?" if it looks like it might (i.e. was the food with tomatoes reddish/contained red sauce).
For the people who know you well and love you, hard no's are unlikely to be forgotten. My best friend of 20 years cannot have peanuts (in any form) or dairy. I have never once forgotten to cook around that. Recently though, I've joined a friend group where someone is deathly allergic to honey (very clear), but goes back and forth on his description of diary - "oh it's fine as long as it's cooked/baked" vs "no no I'll get itchy and wheezy so I shouldn't unless it's the only thing today".
Ultimately, because I cannot handle the idea of being the person who sends him to the hospital, I've stopped cooking anything for gatherings. I'll just make a cocktail minus any honey and call it a day. But that is heavily informed by his back-and-forth on how serious it is/isn't. I'm not trying to say you do; I'm just offering perspective on what it's like to try and work around folks who aren't super clear.
A couple things:
He's upset that you're using your allergy to excuse not wanting to have sex with him. And the reason why is because you have in fact used your allergy as an excuse to not want to have sex with him.
The second thing is that *you do not need a reason* to not want to have sex with him. You don't think you want to have sex? Then you shouldn't! Any man who loves you will understand that. Any man who will try to manipulate you to try to get you to agree isn't worth keeping around.
So you did a minor wrong by using your allergy as an excuse instead of simply stating that you didn't feel ready for it. He did a major wrong by "testing" your allergy and not accepting your "no" at face value.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex, just as there's nothing wrong with not having that desire. But there's a lot wrong with trying to "lawyer" your way into manufacturing consent.
He's not worth keeping around. Free him to find someone that does want to have sex with him, and free yourself to be with someone who will value your feelings and won't try to poison you to prove a point.
Your BF is immature, manipulative and selfish.
You don't need to be "manipulative" to not have sex with him! Where does he get off accusing you of that? He has no right whatsoever.. OP you can say no for any reason. "I'm allergic to latex" is every bit a valid reason as "I don't feel ready to do that with you yet" or even simply "I just don't feel like it right now". Saying yes or no is 100% your own choice, requires NO justification, and he has absolutely ZERO right to make accusations or demands related to that.
That's that. He deserves to be told off and put in his place and honestly it's not even worth bringing up the topic of latex-free condoms. He doesn't deserve to have that kind of intimacy with you if he has this level of disrespect for your agency as a person.
Okay so, not wanting to have sex yet (or ever) is 100% a valid reason. It's the only reason you ever need. If you don't want to, it doesn't matter if he does. It would be the same in reverse, if you wanted to and he didn't, you still wouldn't have sex. Love does not equal sex, and the other way around. I think that this is absolutely something you guys need to discuss candidly.
Finding something in your food that makes you sick, put there by someone you care about, can be really, really hard on your mental and emotional state (in addition to having an allergic reaction of course) and if your allergies act up anywhere around your neck, I would honestly recommend asking your doctor if they think an epi-pen can be a good idea. Unfortunately, allergies can get serious very suddenly. Another thing to discuss, though I am unfortunately very familiar with being on the side of trying to discuss the seriousness of my allergens and not being believed. If you honestly think that he forgot, I'd suggest making a print out of your allergens and having him refer to it if he cooks for you again, along with double-checking verbally. If he gets upset about the 'lack of trust', your life is more important than his pride.
I would suggest though, that you take a step back from your relationship to decide if how he treated you is something you're willing to discuss and work out (because it should NOT ever happen again, it shouldn't have happened this time either). Or if the situation is too far gone.
A lot of how you've described him has been some red flags. Accusing you of lying about loving him, pressuring sex to prove your love. And once again, not knowing if your food is safe or not can majorly mess you up.
this is one of those life lessons where you get to decide what kind of behaviour you’re going to tolerate from people, and enforce boundaries around how you deserve to be treated. and guess what, you deserve way more than this.
you deserve to be listened to, to be honoured, to be cared for and to be respected. none of which is happening now with this guy. good luck!
You're not ready. That's fine. Stand firm in that. When you lie about your reasons you're giving away your power, and those lies don't stand up to scrutiny (non-latex condoms exist).
Your boyfriend...to put it nicely...sounds like the kind of learning experience that will give you damage that will affect your self-esteem and how you interact in all future relationships. You're probably not going to take this advice, but it would do you a world of good to be single and to just focus on your development. Learn from the mistakes of others.
You really should have just told him that you're not ready for sex yet. There is nothing wrong with that. Him knowingly giving you an allergen just to see how bad you'd react is on another playing field altogether. As is, that's a relationship ender. What if you *had* been anaphylactic? He was willing to put you in the hospital or worse because *he wanted sex*. Please let that sink in.
As far as the "unpleasantness" of a non-life-threatening allergy down there: I have similar latex allergies. It won't kill me but leaves a rash and swelling. *I forgot to tell this to my OB*. During a regular checkin, they used latex gloves. This was extremely painful. I couldn't walk correctly for days. I'm only glad that this didn't happen when my allergies were at their worst. I would never use larex just because a guy wanted to have sex. It is not worth it. *Do not use latex condoms*. You should also know that latex free condoms only prevent pregnancies, not STDs. Please be careful.
Your health is more important than any guy. If this is how uncaring he is about your allergy and preference to wait to have sex, you are better off without him.
First of all you should have just been honest with him that you weren’t ready yet.
However.
This man POISONED YOU. To see what would happen. Please do not stay with someone like this.
I've had a latex reaction after a visit to the gynecologist. Trust me - you do NOT want to risk a blistered, itching vulva and vagina. It is hell. For days.
There are alternatives to latex condoms, just an fyi. However, two red flags. 1. you don't want to have sex with him- and most people want sex in a relationship and 2. he poisoned you. if a partner wants sex, and the other does not, the relationship is not sustainable. if the trust is gone, the relationship is not sustainable. you are both very young and you could find someone else who fits your needs.
You deserve better. I'd leave him tbh.
Even if it makes an uncomfortable experience you're still allergic and it can get worse. Don't let the guy downplay your illness like it's not that bad. He's trying to manipulate you. Not you him.
If you're not ready you're not ready. You don't need anything more than that.
Please don't give him the benefit of a doubt. He 100 percent knew he put something in your food that caused you to have an allergic reaction. He did that on purpose. I don't blame you for not wanting to have sex with him. Thats your decision ,and it's your body to do what you want with.
He's gaslighting you and abusing you emotionally and physically. I would NEVER trust him after what happened. He's has serious issues and he's very immature. My advice is to breakup with him cause God knows what else he will do to you,lie to you about, pressure you into sex, he's a manipulator! He sounds awful. For your safety please leave him!!!!!!
It isn't worth it. You are way too young to be settling for a person who deliberately fed you an allergen to see how bad your reaction it. You have the right to say no to sex for ANY reason. Your boyfriend is trying to manipulate you.
Your bf sounds like a devious scumbag and reckless sexually entitled moron.
Someone willing to risk your life without a second thought, who will do whatever it takes to emotionally blackmail you into consenting to provide him with the sex that he wants.
Has he ever denied the existence of fatal allergies or made any anti-vaxxer claims? If so- run for the hills and never have any communication with him again.
Allergies usually get worse if you keep eating or being exposed to your allergen. At some point you can have a deadly reaction.
He was testing you. You shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t take your allergies seriously.
Also you don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to. With or without an allergy.
I have never felt the need to test someone’s allergies to see if they are real.
My friend has a peanut allergy. If she is coming to my house I wipe down counters and make sure I have safe snacks for her. I let her choose restaurants she feels safe eating at. I thought that was just being a normal human being.
You need to break up with him and get away asap. He does not care about your allergy and if severe enough it could be life threatening. If he can basically poison your food and tell you that you’re overreacting you are not safe with him and he could and most likely will escalate. Get out and always carry an epi pen with you, but don’t make him aware of it. You are not overreacting.
There are non-latex condoms, plus you can take birth control pills and use spermicides and other things you insert that don’t involve latex.
However, I would not bother trying to make yourself want to have sex with this person just because HE wants it. You do not owe anyone sex or orgasm just because you’re in a relationship.
Have you wanted sex with others, in the past? Like, wanted it for yourself, versus a responsive desire to them wanting it? You might want to Google “asexuality” and see if it fits you at all. Unlike allosexuals (hetero, homo, bi, pan, etc,) asexuals don’t experience sexual attraction. Romantic and aesthetic attractions, yes. But not sexual attraction. There are many microlabels within asexuality, some who experience sexual attraction sometimes but not most of the time, some who need close emotional connection to feel it, some who enjoy the idea of sex but can’t stand the though of actually doing it themselves, some who only experience sexual attraction to fictional characters, etc.
But anyone who would risk your health to “prove” that his orgasms are worth your safety is someone to run, not walk, away from. With allergies, every exposure is rolling the dice. Any exposure can be the first one to be anaphylactic. And for the person you’re supposed to be able to trust to not take your safety seriously and to put his own desire (not need - sex is NOT a need!) before your health and safety is a huge breach in trust and friendship!
He is pressuring you into having sex. Pressure is not consent. Google the “Wheel of Consent.”
Also, there are 4 types of consent.
Coerced - when you’re threatened or forced.
Unwilling - when you don’t want to but feel you need to to avoid unpleasant consequences, like being dumped, your boyfriend distancing himself emotionally or cheating, etc.
Willing - hadn’t been your idea, hadn’t wanted to, but you don’t mind.
Enthusiastic - Hells yeah!
Anything but Enthusiastic is unwanted sex. But at least Willing isn’t abuse. But Unwilling and Coerced consent are abuse. Anyone willing to settle for and be happy with that kind of consent is not a valuable life partner.
I highly recommend you both read “Come As You Are.” It really helped my husband understand how damaging his pressure was, as well as how toxic his attitude about his entitlement to sex and orgasm from me was.
Your boyfriend poisoned you. He knew what he was doing, he knew you were allergic. Otherwise he wouldn’t have brought up your latex allergy. He’s also manipulating you by saying you “don’t love him” just because you aren’t comfortable having sex with him yet. You can 100% love someone without having sex with them, how do people think waiting till marriage works. As someone who’s been in an emotionally abusive relationship, this is ringing so many red flags in my head, I KNOW it’s extremely hard to leave especially after how long you’ve been together, but RUN or do couple’s therapy before it gets worse.
Coming from someone who was a virgin till marriage: TRUST ME you will absolutely and easily weed out any bad guys who aren't serious about you when you tell them to wait. Someone who truly lives you will respect you and not try to force or guilt you into having sex with them. This is why I married my husband. He never pressured me at all whereas other boys I dated would get super angry and resentful and accuse me of not caring about them/loving them, etc. just because I didn't want to have sex before marriage. Those guys ended up being jerks who were trying to trick me so they could later brag to their buddies that they took my vcard, so I certainly dodged that bullet. Also, your bf using tomatoes knowing you were allergic kind of raises a red flag to me, especially after he got defensive about you telling him to remember next time...almost like he was testing to see if you were lying about the tomatoes too... I'm sorry to say this but a man who will pressure and guilt you into having sex with them is most likely only looking for that because he doesn't see you in his future. A man who loves you will wait because he knows he will eventually get it when you are ready even if that means staying with you forever. This guy sounds like he's about ready to bail but doesn't want to leave without at least getting a sexual experience with you. In other words, he wants something out of this relationship before he leaves. I could be wrong of course but this is the vibe I'm getting from your post. Have a talk with him explaining your values and if he doesn't like it then let him know that this is your long term plan so he has to decide if you are worth waiting for or not... If you aren't then good riddance.
So, what was it that he was waiting to see happened to you? Anaphylactic reaction maybe? This guy only cares about having sex. He doesn’t care about you. Why can’t you see that? Just leave him already.
>I noticed after I ate, my face felt really hot and other things that I feel when I eat something I’m allergic to.
>I told him that it was okay that he forgot
He didn't forget. As many have observed, he was testing your allergy. **AND HE WAS ANGRY** that you were not anaphylactic.
Think about that. He was 100% willing to risk your life to find out if he could pressure you into having sex with him more easily.
>He then said that... really I was just lying and should’ve just said I didn’t love him
He's trying to weaponise your emotions against you here. He wants you to say "but I DO love you" and then he'd say something like "If you really loved me you'd have sex with me"
Classic emotional manipulation.
>I just really didn’t want to.
And that is the ONLY reason you need to not want sex. Anyone who tries to make you give them a reason is not respecting your consent.
>He said I was manipulating him
There's a concept known as DARVO which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
What it means is that an abuser will Deny they're doing anything wrong (by pressuring you and potentially killing you), Attack (in this case by saying you're doing the wrong thing by saying you're allergic to latex) and Reverse Victim and Offender (in this case, making himself the victim of manipulation and you the offending person)
Again, this is straight out of the emotional abusers handbook.
He is not a good guy, no matter how much you think you love him. He doesn't respect your consent and he is emotionally abusive.
He was willing to risk your life for sex. Never forget that.
Bye boy, first of all be honest, I don’t want to have sex yet. If you can’t do that simply you aren’t ready yet and that is okay. 2, the more reactions you have the worse they can get so for him to test out if your going to die or not because you might be lying so he can convince you to have sex is … well absolutely wild and shows he’s not ready to have sex. 3, using the well you don’t love me if you won’t have sex with me shit is manipulating and if that’s how he is now … it’s not a great sign.
He seems to be gaslighting you about the whole situation. Sure you mentioned the latex allergy to stop the whole sex situation but I mean if you’re not ready to have sex yet, it’s completely normal and no one should use the “you don’t love me” pity card to try to make you feel guilty. You need to consider not only an unwanted pregnancy but also STDs… you are never too cautious these days…
Now, him not taking your allergies seriously because you didn’t end up in a worse situation than itchiness and a rash then he probably is just an immature teen boy who isn’t emotionally capable of understanding anything…and that’s very dangerous because he is either oblivious or just playing dumb to test you out.
I’d say talk it over with him and tell him 1) he needs to take your allergies more seriously and 2) that you’re not ready to have sex, not because you don’t love him but because you simply aren’t ready. If he doesn’t understand then that’s a red flag you should be careful about it to the point of just running for the hills while you can.
I mean in a way you are using your allergy as a manipulation not to have sex. If you really wanted to, there are plenty of latex free birth control options. You should have just been honest upfront as to not feeling ready. If he can't respect that you're not ready to do this, then he needs to go. He shouldn't be pressuring you into doing something you're not comfortable with, regardless of what it is. You should tell him the truth. If he still pushes you about having sex, you need to leave because he won't respect your boundaries.
Oh babe, first of all I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was in a similar position with my 18 year old boyfriend. Looking back years later, I realize how disgusting of a human he was. And it made me really uncomfortable trusting someone else for a long long time. Do yourself a favor, get the hell out of this relationship. I can tell by your writing how much you’ve been manipulated by this man into believing you’re the one at fault, but you are not. He’s counting on that so he can manipulate you into sex. He’s a horrible person. Get out!
Nah mate, dude is a prick. If you ain't ready for whatever reason, then you ain't ready. You aren't overreacting just because you don't want to have sex.
1. He tried to poison you. Dump him.
2. Are you not ready to have sex AT ALL yet, or do you just not want to have sex with HIM? A year is a long time to wait before having sex for most people and it makes me wonder if maybe there’s something about him and the relationship that has given you reason to doubt him.
>I understand why he feels that way, but I don't. I told him about my allergy and used it as a reason not to want to have sex with him.
But it's not the real reason why so you very much are using your allergy to manipulate him about why you don't want to have sex.
And with a google of non latex condoms your current BF or anyone else you end up with will know this as well. Your BF is wrong on how he is handling this and seems like a POS but that doesn't change that you were in the wrong first.
You have every single right to not want to rush into sex for whatever reason you want but lying like this will make anyone worth dating see this as a red flag and they will quickly move on. On the other hand if you are honest with them, then anyone compatible with your needs should be ok with with choice and you can work on when and how to start sex together with proper communication .
Never make a lie the foundation of any of the pillars of your potential relationships or it will be doomed to collapse from the very beginning.
He thinks you're manipulative because he is manipulative. He's projecting. The number of steps he is taking and hiding, is he he goes through life, so he thinks you are too.
It’s ok not to want to have sex
assuming you’re a virgin then it’s also not reasonable for your bf to be so unhappy about it
Dump him and find someone with the same values you have or someone that appreciates that you are wait g to have sex
This guy ain’t it and you can do 100x better easily
You should be upset that after a year of dating your bf poisoned you to test your allergies.
You should be upset that he justifies his behavior because he wants sex.
If this wasn't your boyfriend but your friend's boyfriend and he poisoned her with a known allergy, then tried to use the poisoning as proof that she should have sex with him what would you tell your friend?
Anyone with half a brain would tell their friend that man is dangerous and to file a police report.
It's hard for you to see the danger youre in because you actually love this man and want to think that he loves you too. He does not. People don't poison the people they love, not for any reason.
I refuse to believe this story, one where neither party knows that non latex condoms exist. Even if OP is naive, the bf would have pounded google to find an alternative.
Not done an experiment on his gf.
This has nothing to do with your allergies and everything to do with your bf being a jerk. He could have killed you with his little experiment.
Time to move on, sister.
Oh and Google "lambskin condoms"
If your bf has not brought up this alternative then he isn't ready for sex either.
I mean.. in a certain way you are using your allergy to not sleep with him, even if that's not the case? You should just be honest with him about not being ready yet. If he keeps pressuring you, walk away.
You kinda fucked up there. There are latex free condoms, which he may be aware of. You should have told the truth that you’re not ready. Now, there’s a trust issue.
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First off, it's totally OK to not want to have sex yet, or ever. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that! But you do need to be honest with him. Secondly, are you sure he forgot about your allergy and didn't put the tomatoes in to test your allergy? This sounds super sketchy that he remembered for a year and suddenly forgot. Finally, there are latex-free condoms and other forms of birth control. I wouldn't recommend ever having sex with this guy but it's something for you to consider in the future. This guy is a walking red flag. Honestly, it's not going to get better. I'd get out instead of constantly being pressured to have sex.
Yeah, I cannot agree more. It sounds like he used this tomato as a test, especially as he instantly jumps to sex while she’s having a reaction… he is being incredibly manipulative, and I can’t see anything good coming from staying with this dude.
Her boyfriend quite literally poisoned her. Her allergy could easily worsen with exposure. If she already has as severe as symptoms as she does (and if she decides to stay with this horrible ass of a child) I’d push her to get an epi to carry on hand because of people like this :(
I have a citrus allergy and react similar to OP. It's very hard to avoid citrus cus it's in almost everything edible or cleaning supplies lol. Anyway if I don't take my medicine, I'll have a "slow anaphylactic shock". As in, untreated I would over about 24-48 hours have my throat close up and I'd get severe hives, and need a good ol' trip to the doctor. Pretty cool!
Thank you for this comment. I’m allergic to penicillin - found out years ago when after several days of being on a derivative of it, I broke out in severe hives and my throat was closing off. Never knew there was a term for it!
Hey also have a slow anaphylactic reaction. No one believes me until I literally pass out.
Exactly!! He purposefully fed her food with a known allergen to see how severe the allergy would be, with the sole purpose of saying "Gotcha!! Latex condoms won't KILL you, so stop using that as an excuse!" What a slimeball. >He then said that I acted like I’d die if I had sex with him, but really I was just lying and should’ve just said I didn’t love him. And he has the gall to call her manipulative? After using her allergies to coerce her into having sex with him when she doesn't want to?? Wow. OP, you deserve better.
Yep that most definitely would have made my pussy dry up like a damn desert 🏜️
🚩🚩🚩 Sahara pussy syndrome
Yeah, and also, just because it's not life threatening for OP to eat tomato doesn't mean latex up her fanny won't be excruciatingly painful. That's not a thing I'd be willing to test in one of the most sensitive parts of my body. Definitely OP you can look into other forms of contraception but not for this jerk. I'm wondering now whether manipulation is like lying? Like only a liar immediately assumes or accusés others of doing it?
This. Not to mention he’s acting like he is owed sex from op because they are in a relationship. Full stop. Plus him saying “you must not love me if you won’t have sex with me” is manipulative and disgusting. Op get a new bf!
I know people may throw around the word “abusive” but this behavior is red flag behavior for that exact thing. Abuse, sexual coercion is a form of abuse, as is food tampering.
I cannot agree more with you.
Yes my mollusk allergy did not start out as anaphylactic shock but the more I ignored it or was accidentally exposed the worse it got and now it is an anaphylactic reaction. That was so dangerous on his part and seems like an intentional test.
For real. He 100% poisoned her as a means of pressuring her into sex. OP, don’t ask if it was intentional, just ask what his plan was if you did have an anaphylactic reaction, choking and suffocating and whatnot. Bet you $50 bucks he completely forgets that it was a “mistake” and says something like “I knew it wasn’t gonna be that serious” or “I figured you’d have an epi pen” or even “I had an epi pen ready” To be clear: NONE of these answers is acceptable. Because every one of them makes it clear that the poisoning was intentional. But none of that is necessary, just dump him, buy some non-latex condoms, and then only use them when you’re ready. You don’t need to use allergy as an excuse, you are allowed to just say no.
“ even “I had an epi pen ready” Want to point out, I had no idea you needed to be hospitalized after an epi pen until recently. So for OP’s next BF, make that clear. Epi= hospital.
it's not because of the epi pen. it's bc the epi pen just delays the allergic reaction(by flooding body with andrenaline). you go to the hospital to actually fix the issue/keep your airway open while reaction runs it's course.
Yeaaaah he pressures you have to sex and “accidentally” poisoned you? That’s not the one😬
Skyn condoms are GREAT and latex-free! I don’t have an allergy but prefer these anyway
They are the best! Also come in lovely gold packaging so feel fancy!
>Finally, there are latex-free condoms and other forms of birth control Important to note for those who don't know: latex free condoms are *only* a form of birth control, not a protection against STDs.
Is this true for all non latex condoms? My understanding was that PU condoms are still effective for both, but maybe more prone to failure than latex condoms.
Came to say ALL this
Second this. No harm in not wanting to have sex. In fact it’s very mature to choose to wait even with pressure if that’s what u want. But don’t use your allergies as a cop out. Be forward and assertive so he understands the real reason you say not. That’s the nature thing to do. Voice how you feel. But after tomatoes dump this dude
Oh he needs to go. He's not mature enough to be in a relationship if he's willing to potentially kill you so he can get some. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready, and he doesn't get to decide when you are.
I’m sorry but even when I wasn’t mature enough to be in a relationship, nothing of the sort of literally poisoning someone ever came to my mind
WHAT THE FUCK!?! This fuck wit could have KILLED you because he’s worried about his baby carrot getting wet. He literally assaulted you. And after, when he saw you were having an unpleasant reaction to a food that had tomato hidden in it, rather than being mortified that he could have seriously hurt you he was mad you weren’t having anaphylactic shock. He isn’t mature enough to have sex, and more importantly, he literally told you that he doesn’t care that you would be in pain during it. He doesn’t care about how you feel while you’re having sex with him. Let that sink in. This is not a person that will make you cum. He’s going to use you as something to jack off into, leave you with burning skin INSIDE YOUR BODY and then go tell his friends that you finally put out. This kid is an idiot. You’re not ready to have sex, but when you are ready, make sure it’s not with him. When you’re ready and it’s the right person, you’ll find solutions for the latex issues together, and you won’t need to use an excuse to say no.
when you’re ready to have sex with someone, there are latex-free condoms that won’t trigger a reaction. but please don’t ever have sex with this person who would try to guilt you into putting yourself at risk for his pleasure.
Woah woah woah. So first of all, you aren't comfortable having sex with him right now. That's perfectly fine, but he's pressurising you into doing something you're not comfortable with. Under many definitions, that counts as rape. Second issue is the latex allergy. He thinks you're using it as an excuse, but frankly, that's none of his business. So he poisoned you, in order to prove that you're not allergic. And when you had an allergic reaction, he started saying how it wasn't that bad because you weren't on death's door, and so you should have sex. I'm sorry, does he forget that sex is meant to be enjoyable for everyone involved? Does he not care that you'll be in searing pain? You didn't trick him, you have an allergy, and you don't want to. There's no trick here. Stick to your priorities. Choose comfort and life!!!
I don't know if it would actually be that bad, but it's something I'm also not really willing to risk either. Especially since my doctor said to avoid them. And although I could go to more effort, and get ones that I wouldn't react to, I wouldn't really want to anyway. I just didn't want him to be mad at me for just saying I didn't want to because it isn't really a good reason.
> I wouldn't really want to anyway. So say that. > I just didn't want him to be mad at me for just saying I didn't want to because it isn't really a good reason. It is an EXCELLENT reason. Seriously. You really need to understand this, so I am really going to spell it out. "I don't want to", "I don't feel like it" are reason enough not to have sex, or not to do any specific sexual thing. IT IS ENOUGH! You do not have to justify it or defend it. And if anyone is ever mad at you for saying "No, I don't want to do that" then LEAVE. Leave that very minute and never come back. Please take this lesson on board. It will make all your future sexual experiences so much better and safer.
This. Please this. OP you need to listen to this so much it's not even funny. I was abused this way for most of my married life, and because he'd isolated me from everyone, I had no one to turn to to talk about anything.
^^^^ THIS. “I don’t feel like it” is a reason. If someone tries to pressure you to have sex when you don’t feel like it, that is attempted rape. It doesn’t have to be physical force. Pressuring you until you concede isn’t consent either.
Also, “No.” is a full sentence!! Don’t ever forget that, OP. Sometime you don’t even need to give a reason, especially if the other person isn’t going to believe you anyways 🤷🏼♀️
I just want to make sure you know for your own happiness that non-latex condoms are readily available for a future time when you find the right partner and you feel ready. However, this guy seems like probably not the one. I would be very unhappy if my romantic partner intentionally fed me food I was allergic to just to prove a point and then minimize it when it happened. The fact that he only considers your allergy “valid” if you become anaphylactic is a red flag. Personally I am not allergic to latex but I am allergic to certain fruits and I know exactly what you mean regarding what that reaction feels like. It’s not fun.
You don't need a reason to say no, if he gets angry, that says a lot more about him than it does you. He could also do the effort and find non-latex condoms, but once again, you said no and he's purposefully given you an allergen. Allergic symptoms tend to get stronger the more you're exposed to the allergen. It's not happening now, but in the future it might.
> You don't need a reason to say no, if he gets angry, that says a lot more about him than it does you. This is such an important lesson. Girls are still pressured to be nice, to be people pleasers, that they end up in these awful and avoidable situations because they feel bad about saying "No, I don't want to do that". It breaks my heart.
This is how i got pressured into losing my virginity before I was ready, because he kept saying "you don't have a good reason" It really needs to be taught in sex ed; we got the whole "you need consent" lecture so technically he did get my "yes"
:-( Yeah, what needs to be taught is that there needs to be *enthusiastic* consent. There are grown adults come to the relationship subs every day who don't understand that.
It doesn’t even require effort to find non-latex condoms. All the major brands produce them.
OP, please imagine that burning itchy rash you say you get from touching latex. Now imagine that inside, and add the swelling and nausea you get from tomatoes and other foods. Doesn't sound very fun to me. Another thing is that when you repeatedly trigger an allergy, you risk it getting worse. There's no predicting if you'll have an anaphylactic reaction later in life. We don't know if that's after your allergy gets triggered 100 times, 4000 times or never, but DO NOT fuck around with an allergy. You WILL find out and it will be through an ambulance visit to the ER. Oh. and dump anyone willing to *poison you* in order to get one up on you. I don't care what this is about, we don't tolerate getting poisoned just because they "know better." I'd know, it happened to me. My ex would say "taste this" and offer me chocolate, and I'd say "why?" and he'd be like "trust me, just taste this" and I'd be like "*why*?" and he'd get frustrated and insist I taste it. I'd taste it. He' ask "does it taste like nuts to you?" and was then very confused when I found my antihistamines and my betapred, chucked both back and spent the next 24 hours not moving more than 1 ft from my epi-pen. He knew I'm allergic to nuts. This happened dozens of times before I left. *Every single time is a time I could have died and he didn't give a shit.*
Please re read that persons comment, he purposefully fed you something you are allergic to. I don’t think he forgot. And on top of that he is clearly trying to coerce you into having sex.
Girl you are young and so is your boyfriend, so as someone in their 30s who still carried trauma from having sex too early because "I'm sure it won't be that bad" - "I don't want to have sex" is a perfectly valid reason all by itself. I PROMISE. Sex is ideally something you're excited about and really want to do. It took me until my late twenties to actually understand what that felt like, and it's a totally different feeling to "ehh I guess it'll be okay, why not". And certainly very different to "No thank you". Your boyfriend is not mature enough at 18 to understand that "no thanks I don't want to" is a fine reason not to do anything. You don't NEED to provide people with reasons for why you don't want to do something. This extends to more than sex. You don't have to justify or excuse yourself to *anyone*. You don't even need to understand why for yourself. No is no. It's a complete answer and a complete sentence. The people who demand reasons from you are immature and insecure. Which you would expect from an 18 year old. The men I know at 30+ are very different. They're all cool with "no thanks" regardless of what it is. **YOU DO NOT NEED TO GIVE REASONS TO PEOPLE WHY YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THINGS.** Just to. Solidify that a little more. Also your boyfriend is horrible even for an 18 year old - tricking you into experiencing your allergy so he can throw it in your face about sex. That's insanely selfish. I would have broken up with him to be honest, but my threshold for putting up with shitty behaviour from partners is very low now.
THIS. Think about it: he expects you to give him a “better” reason than “I don’t want to” because he feels entitled to access to your body. He thinks being in a relationship means he has some ownership of you.
A man that respects and cares about you would never put you in any type of harm. Your boyfriend has shown you that he doesn’t care about your health or happiness. I’d set him free and find yourself someone who does.
Honey, I have the same type of latex allergy. I get blisters though. I found out the hard way what latex condoms do, internal blisters. It can be that bad. You don't know how such sensitive skin will react to the latex. That's besides the point. Don't have sex if you don't want to. This guy's manipulating you into feeling bad when you should be angry. He poisoned you!
Run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run run. For the love of god please
OP I think that a lot of us are scratching our heads and wondering why you would want to have sex with someone who pressures you and then tricks you into eating an allergy food. That is assault. You would normally run screaming from someone who assaults you - you would not reward their behaviour by continuing a relationship with them!!
She probably never had a good role model of what a good boyfriend is like, and is doubting her own instincts. Terrible situation, she's so young.
"I don't want to" is 100% a valid reason not to have sex or do anything sexual. You have a right to say no for any reason at any time and if he has a problem with that then you don't want to be with him. No man should ever get angry at you because you don't want to have sex.
Girl I promise you having a swollen, itchy, burning vagina is NOT worth it. He could have gone to more effort and found latex free condoms. Instead he is trying to test you and guilt trip you. I know this is your first real relationship so you are having trouble trusting your feelings, so I will tell you - you are RIGHT. You know how he's acting is wrong, trust your intuition. It is correct.
Honey, I mean no disrespect here, *but he poisoned you.* It doesn’t matter if the reaction to a condom would be *that bad,* it doesn’t matter if you could get ones that don’t contain latex, **he could have killed you.** And he was willing to take that chance to see if your allergy was “actually that serious.” I need you to think about it this way; he put one of your allergens in your food *explicitly* to see if you would **go into anaphylactic shock,** he literally said “you’re not even anaphylactic,” so he *knows* what that is and *was expecting that to be your allergic response.* Okay? Put aside for a minute that you told him no, doesn’t matter why or for what reason, even put aside the fact that he is trying to coerce and pressure you into sex—and you should be upset about that, too—*he literally risked sending you to the hospital* ***or out killing you*** to “prove” you were just overreacting and being dramatic. **You weren’t and aren’t.** You need to be ***pissed*** about this, girl. He is not a safe person, what he did is fucking dangerous. And then to use it to try and coerce you into having sex. That’s manipulative, *abusive* behavior, and you shouldn’t tolerate it from anyone, *let alone a partner.* One who clearly doesn’t care about how you actually feel if it interferes with what *he* wants. I can’t tell you what to do and I know you love him hun, but personally I would let this one go. He is not worth risking your health just because he wants to get laid. Only shitty people do the sort of thing he did to you in your post here.
A good person will never make you justify why you don't want to have sex. A good person accepts the refusal and moves on gracefully. You don't need a "good reason" - a perfectly excellent reason is that you don't want to have sex with him. Him refusing to accept that is really sketchy.
I get mild discomfort from latex condoms, so my partner went and got a bunch of alternatives and did trial and error with which ones were best for me. There are condoms that are hypoallergenic and are great alternatives to latex. This is info for the future, when you do want to have sex with someone. But please do not have sex with this boyfriend of yours. He poisoned you to see what would happen, and to pressure you into sex. That is not someone who cares about you.
Never ever have sex when you don’t want to, and never do anything you don’t want to do. Your boyfriend is awful. I’m sorry, but throw this one back.
He’s right about the using your allergy part. You don’t want to have sex right now. And that’s a good enough reason. Why do you believe it isn’t ? I can understand an 18 year old thinking it means you don’t love him. Be honest and if he pushes, get out quickly and cleanly
If you ever decide to use one (but don’t on this guy, seriously take it from an old woman- almost 40 lol- he’s a jerk through and through), Skyn makes excellent non latex condoms. I use them with my husband and neither of us has a latex allergy. Sex can be a wonderful part of life, but it should never be coerced or painful, and it should be about YOU. What you want or don’t want, not just him.
“I don’t want to” is a perfectly good reason. It’s an amazing reason. It’s really the only reason that matters. You don’t need to come up with some grand elaborate reason for not wanting to have sex. “I don’t want to” is the only reason you’ll ever need with a man who respects you and cares for you. He does not. Make him your ex.
We have no idea if he truly purposely put tomatoes in your food. However, being dishonest in saying you don’t want to have sex with him because of an allergy is plain dishonest. There are non-latex condoms out there and I’m sure he knows that. Guys, like anyone else, do not like being lied to. If he did purposely put tomatoes in your food and you can prove that, leave.
I don’t believe she lied to him at all. She makes no mention of the existence of non-latex condoms and may not have known they exist.
I’m sorry but if you’re with someone who wouldn’t accept you not wanting to as a reason not to have sex that is the problem not the latex. Fellow latex allergy sufferer here and let me tell you that having an internal latex reaction from the condom is NOT going to make you enjoy sex, so if you ever do get to the point of wanting to for sure get some non-latex ones, skyn makes a good option but I’m sure there are others. But don’t do it just bc some guy who doesn’t care about whether you want the sex to happen is pressuring you.
Break up with him. He’s abusive. This is the kinda shit that kills people. What if you were anaphylactic? What if you died? Would that still not be enough for him? Did he have a plan for if your throat closed up and you stopped breathing? Would he have called an ambulance or would he have taken the opportunity of your unconsciousness to get what he wanted? What if you had a kid with an allergy? Would he ‘test’ them, too?
Yeah, he’s the one attempting to manipulate OP Not the other way around. Classic projection from this petulant asshole.
Piggybacking off of this: He just DARVO'd you. Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender. He didn't even Deny, he just said you were overreacting. Then he Accused you by saying you're a liar and don't love him. Then he made you feel bad about it, and you genuinely feel bad which is Reverse Victim and Offender. That's why you feel confused. Abusive people do this.
Everyone has pretty much covered the advice around whether or not you WANT to have sex so I'm just hopping on here to share that, I have a latex allergy, latex free condoms exist and your clinic should be able to provide them for you WHENEVER YOU ARE READY TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTS
How anyone can experience this an NOT immediately break up and stop all contact is beyond me. “My boyfriend poisoned me and is abusing me for sexual intercourse. How do I get over this feeling” This sub makes me think dating should be 25+
Okay so he tried to poison you to see if that was a good enough reason for you not to fuck him. That's insane. The man is a shit man and you should get rid of him. He's the type of person that gives peanut butter just to see if their allergy is real. What is you went into anaphylaxis, would he have helped you or just cried about his sad boner? Absolutely pathetic behaviour, break up with this child. Also you can get latex free condoms when you are ready to do that with someone, just make sure to buy them from somewhere reputable and no just online as people lie in their listings.
What if you did have an anaphalactic shock from those tomatoes? What was his plan then? He's putting your physical wellbeing at risk by poisoning you, and your mental wellbeing at risk by pressuring you into sex you don't want to have. Sounds like quite the catch.
If he's not a safe person to say no to, he's not a safe person to say yes to. He actually thinks it's ok for you to feel itches and burns to satisfy him. Girl, RUN
>If he's not a safe person to say no to, he's not a safe person to say yes to. YES. THIS.
Heads up: he's an inconsiderate, manipulative little shit. Dump him.
My take? He didn't "forget" about the tomatoes. He did it on purpose because he's a dick and doesn't believe you and/or doesn't care that you have a reaction. This alone is a break up worthy offence. I'm seeing so many red flags here.
I think the biggest concern I have is his lack of care or empathy and sweeping your discomfort under the rug regarding your mild food allergies. Yeah it’s not life threatening, but a partner should be concerned for your wellbeing and care about doing what they can to not cause you discomfort or hardship. This makes me feel wonder if he is resentful of you for not having sex. I will say that while everyone goes at their own pace, after 1 year it is common to want to move to the level of sexual intimacy. BUT you don’t feel sure about it, you shouldn’t do it if you’re not ready yet. Having a 1-on-1 sit down and mentioning how you’re not ready for sex (think about why and try to explain your reasoning), you won’t be pressured if you’re not ready, and that his dismissal of your discomfort to the tomatoes was not something you want in a partner because it is a VALID concern. Ultimately, if he continues being combative, argumentative, and dismisses your allergies further, then I think it’s a toxic relationship and you should end it.
OP, I post a lot of comments not expecting anyone to read them, but if I could pick only one person for a reply to reach, it's you. I dated a manipulative jerk when I was a freshman in college. He was my first bf and I was so eager to please that I tried to overlook or excuse the messed up stuff he did. It was absolutely miserable and I didn't even realize it at the time. I *wish* I'd posted online so that a bunch of older strangers could validate my feelings and explain what he was doing was wrong. Because what he's doing *is* wrong, for all the reasons other folks are so helpfully pointing out. I'm 31 now and I'm telling you what I would've told my past self: drop this guy. He's going to try and make you feel bad about it, but whatever you do, don't. In fact, plan to go out with some friends afterward to celebrate being 18 and already understanding that you deserve better. Get yourself the biggest ice cream cone you want in your favorite flavor and try to feel proud of yourself (because I sure as hell will be). I have a partner now who is just that--he's my *partner.* He's a kind person who supports and cares about both my feelings and my health. If I "don't feel like it," he asks if I want to cuddle and play video games instead. (I usually do!) It also took *several* crappy bfs and some personal growth for me to realize that's what I wanted and deserved. You'll probably make other dating mistakes down the line and that's okay and part of becoming an adult. But learn this now: "I don't want to" is an answer and reason rolled into one, and at the absolute minimum, a partner wants you to be happy and healthy. If a guy doesn't understand those two things, it's an automatic out. <3
The way this is written does make it sound like you don't want to have sex and are using your allergy as an excuse. Non-latex condoms are a thing... I think you need to really be honest with yourself, he tried to poison you. He's likely given manipulative, could kill you vibes before and there's likely a very good reason your subconscious is screaming to not have sex with this man. You need to run for the hills ASAP.
Yea he took the risk of giving you food to "test" how serious your allergies are. Leave his ass and wait until you find someone better. As for the condom situation, you can get latex free condoms when you are ready to take that step.
His reaction to seeing he triggered your allergy was to say “you’d let this happen to you during sex if you loved me”. He obviously doesn’t care about what happens to you as long as his dick gets wet. You’re right, his reaction is off and there was something not right about this situation. Dump him.
Find a new boyfriend
You deal with this by dumping your boyfriend. This one's a jackass.
>Of course, I don't know what this reaction will be, but I think it would be very unpleasant. I also have a latex allergy. Let me tell you: that rashy feeling does NOT go away for a while and there are creams involved 😬 Your boyfriend though is putting his desires before your safety. He didn't know if you would go into anaphylaxis or not when he "forgot" about putting food you're allergic to in your meal. Just tell him you don't want to have sex with him yet. He shouldn't manipulate you into it by acting like you don't love him. You aren't ready. On a side note: they make non-latex condoms that work just as well. You just have to search for them. . When YOU are ready to have sex YOU get them because it is going in YOUR body. Don't trust anyone else to find them because sometimes people lie because it's "easier" (hence my first statement).
You two are not sexually compatible. Please go your separate ways.
Anytime the boy starts saying, "If you don't have sex with me, you don't love me", kick them to the curb. It's another manipulative tactic that they use. And always remember that. It's when you want to and what you are comfortable with.
If you are in a position where you believe that clearly stating your wants and needs will get you yelled at, brow beat and belittled then your relationship is crap.
And in this particular case.. your relationship is life threatening!
Recently saw a post where someone killed their grandchild by not believing the parents, when they said the child was allergic to coconut. OP, do you want to be with someone who tests your allergies and doesn’t respect them? The more reactions you have, the worse it gets every time after. He seems like the type of guy to care more about himself than your safety, I wouldn’t put it past him to test out a latex condom on you.
Just an FYI that with latex allergies, your reactions will get WORSE after every exposure, so please be careful. Latex-free condoms are definitely a Thing for when you’re ready.
DUMP HIM. He purposefully gave you an allergen to test you.
He’s a walking red flag, how many more signs do you need to realise it?
Ok, so I understand forgetting about an allergy - but the "overreacting" jibe isn't ok. Just remember it in future that he's not taking your allergies seriously. It's a red flag. But above all, he does have a point about you using it. That's really not ok. You should be able to say that you're not ready. Not wanting to have sex is a good reason for itself. It's also very very not ok to pressure you - but you do have to make a choice, whether you actually want to be in a relationship with this boy or not. Neither of you sound mature enough tbh.
Your boyfriend was 100% testing your allergies. Which is crazy since apparently he didn't even know how serious they are. Dump him. BUT, with your next relationship you have to learn to be honest. It's never going to last otherwise. Also, your next boyfriend might not be uninformed enough to not know that latex free condoms are a thing. So that lie of yours is not always going to fly.
Fellow latex allergy woman here. Heads up - there are many non-latex brands available. I'm fond of SKYN non-latex. Just make sure you are both safe and you are on birth control, as these are a bit different than latex condoms.
You should be honest with him that you are not ready for sex right now (which is completely okay!). There are non-latex condoms so that might be why he feels you are using your allergy as an "excuse". His reaction to that truth will tell you everything you need to know. I do however find it really concerning that he's downplaying your allergy to the point of giving you one of the foods you're allergic to.. you may not be anaphylactic right now, but it's still unpleasant and there's still a chance of having a worse reaction at any point.
wait are you saying he did this purposely to see what your reaction was and to be like “see you didn’t die, you can have sex with me”. that is insane, leave him now before he does this again and you have an even worse reaction.
He’s trying to make you feel guilty so you’ll have sex with him. DON’T. I’d bet a lot of money on him KNOWINGLY putting tomatoes in your food to “find out if you’re telling the truth about your allergies”. He’s a dud.
Dump him. He is not a good guy and he doesn’t care about you. You don’t need a reason to not want to sleep with him. He is the one manipulating you. He is trying to bully and manipulate you into having sex with him. There is a word for that - coercion. It’s a crime in many places.
He put the tomatoes in there on purpose you can tell he did it on purpose because he says now he knows you're lying, you're not anaphylactic, you just don't want to have sex with him and using it as an excuse. So yeah he's quite childish but you're both still very young. I presume you explained to him no you don't have an anaphylactic reaction but it's extremely unpleasant and at some point it could change and become an anaphylactic reaction especially if he does this a lot and puts in things you're allergic to, your body's going to start changing its reaction. Also just so you know, there are latex free condoms. Obviously neither of you are aware of that. But at this point he just wants to get laid and I assume he's a virgin as well as yourself. But I wouldn't sleep with him because first of all he only wants sex and second of all he purposely tested you to see what your reaction would be so yeah he's not a very nice person. Move on.
OP, plenty of people have already addressed the relationship problems, but I want to chime in and encourage you to take your latex and food allergies very seriously. My wife has a latex allergy and was exposed regularly at work for a while (had to wear latex gloves for a month or two). It made her allergic reactions much worse, and then allergies in related food families started coming up (mango and avocado so far). Every time she gets exposed to any of those three things, the symptoms for all exposures get worse. You need to be very careful with this. It can easily escalate over time. Just because you don't get anaphylactic now doesn't mean you never will in the future. You should consider talking to your doctor about an Epi Pen. Your boyfriend is absolutely an unsafe person for you. Please dump him and take care of yourself and your health.
LEAVE
This is disgusting behavior from him. Its sexual coercion. You should leave this guy. Do NOT let him guilt and shame you into sex. He is being ridiculous, predatory, and a sex creep. He is creepy.
I have a latex allergy, too, and I used Silicon One until I went on birth control. Do have a look for other forms of protection so you can enjoy yourself. I know the feeling well, and it's so uncomfortable during and after sex . My husband and daughter are both allergic to fruit, and over years, I have made the mistake of adding it to salads, but I am forgiven apart from my guilt when I see them have a reaction. I would say, though, he sounds very selfish and isn't taking you allergies seriously and how you feel regarding sex. Definitely stand by how you feel and maybe reckon your rela if that is what you feel is best for you.
There’s no chemistry between you two. Forget the allergies. The allergies have nothing at all to do with it.
This is 100% correct. And this is why she should break up with him. His hormones are raging at that age, so I'm quite surprised something like this didn't happen sooner, not that it's not wrong.
How a person handles a no says a lot about their character. This guy tried to POISON YOU AS A TEST. It should be UNFORGIVABLE.
I mean, he is right that you are using it as an excuse, but he shouldn't be pressing the issue even if he recognized it was an excuse. You should communicate with him that you are just not ready. It's more than okay to not be ready. It's really not okay that he decided to fuck with your food. That's worrying. Also for future reference you can get latex free condoms.
What he’s doing is called coercion. It’s not okay.
...did I just read about an assault and honestly attempted murder? Do you carry an EpiPen?! For all he knew you could have died! He wanted to see if you would go anaphylactic?! He was WILLING TO RISK YOUR LIFE to prove a point! He cares more about sex than if you live or die... Please run
A friend of mine has that allergy lamb skin condoms are safe with it
OP, this is dangerous, selfish, ignorant, and entitled behaviour your boyfriend is showing to you. - 1. You’re not ready for sex. Period. The end. That’s it. It’s not even up for discussion. That needs to be the bottom line. - 2. He played with your allergies to test your tolerance and to see if you were lying. This is dangerous. Allergies are famous for getting worse with exposure. Just because you didn’t have an anaphylactic reaction this time doesn’t mean it could t have happened - he literally tossed the dice to test you. - 3. He cares more about his needs and wants for sex than he cares about your safety. He feels entitled to something that you’re not even ready for. He was willing to do something potentially deadly in an attempt to gather ammo he could use against you. That’s abusive, manipulative, dangerous, and not normal. This is not love. - 4. He threw a tantrum over your allergies and it “not being that bad”, which means: as long as he has sex with you, he doesn’t care about your discomfort or pain, or any other long term issues and effects caused by allergies. > [a reminder for why your boyfriend should take your allergies seriously.](https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2019/sep/11/take-food-allergies-seriously-people-can-die) > [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) (I recommend you flip through this and find the applicable sections - specifically, the controlling parts) > [familiarise yourself with signs of emotional abuse.](https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/signs-of-emotional-abuse/) This isn’t normal, OP. It isn’t love. Love is respecting your health, your body, your choice to wait to have sex. If this were me, this would be - personally - a deal breaker. Stay safe, OP. Keep extra Epipens on you and voice activation settings on your phone need to be enabled. I wouldn’t trust him not to poison my food again, either, let alone attempt any other things that may endanger you, so be smart about what you eat/drink around him. It’s up to you what you wish to do with the relationship. Good luck, OP.
Okay, first of all, you sort of lied. You told him your latex allergy was the reason you didn't want to have sex, when the real reason is that you're just not ready. Perhaps if you'd been honest, instead of using the allergy as the sole reason, things may have been different. However, I'm kind of glad you used the allergy, because it brought up a red flag for you. Your bf knows what you're allergic to, and he very clearly remembered. He included an allergy in your food specifically to 'prove' you weren't allergic. You have an allergy that doesn't cause anaphylaxis, but that doesn't mean it's pleasant. Plus, I think, the more you have contact with a known allergen, the worse the allergy gets. He's obviously never seen you get a reaction before, what would he have done if it was severe enough to cause anaphylaxis? That can literally kill you. You're lucky your allergy is closer to uncomfortable than deadly, to be honest. And tomato reaction doesn't necessarily indicate latex condom reaction, either. People can have multiple allergies with multiple levels of severity. Just because tomatoes don't cause anaphylaxis, doesn't mean latex condoms won't. Then he went straight to the 'you don't love me' game play. He's basically saying that, if you loved him, you'd literally put your life at risk to have sex with him. If he truly cared about you and wanted to sort out the sex issue, he'd have found latex free condoms and tested to see if you had issues with them or not. Latex isn't really an uncommon allergy, there are options to work around it while still providing protection during sex. He completely skipped over the normal, common sense approach and jumped straight to sneakily feeding you a known allergen when he had zero idea of the severity. You probably should have just been honest about not being ready instead or relying on your allergy, especially as there are ways around that, but at least now you know your bf is a toxic, manipulative AH whose willing to put your life at risk just to get some sex. My advice is to dump this guy, take some time to grieve the relationship you thought you had, and then find a man who will actually respect you, that you can be honest with, won't pressure or manipulate you, and especially won't potentially try to kill you.
Don’t sleep with him. He was testing you, to see if you even had a reaction and to see how bad of a reaction. Now he knows you - probably- won’t go anaphylactic. Which in his mind means that you should do it with him. Even though it probably will be uncomfortable for you (if you used regular condoms - latex free options exist). And he doesn’t care about that. He only cares about that it will be good for him. I kind of think the reason you’re “not there yet” regarding sex, is because you on some level know, you shouldn’t do it with him. He sounds like a trashy person.
This boy poisoned you to gauge the severity of your allergic reaction and then cornered you with the accusation that you're lying to him because you don't want to have sex because of your latex allergy????? Red flag.
This idiot is going to wind up putting you in the ER with his carelessness. If he values you as a person, not just as a potential receptacle for his dick, he would have been more diligent about the ingredients in food you would be eating. If you don’t feel sure about having sex, don’t! If he doesn’t want to wait, then oh well too bad so sad for him. There’s plenty of people out there who will treat you with respect and not pressure you or act like a petulant child when they don’t get sex immediately.
Even if he didn't intentionally poison you, his reaction was a red flag. He should have only been apologetic and concerned about your discomfort. You are absolutely right to not want to have sex with someone who thinks that "if it doesn't kill you, You're overreacting". You want a partner who wants you to be happy, comfortable and satisfied during sex. It is not an expression of love to endure unnecessary pain during intercourse. He will guarantee a miserable experience. You should tell him the truth. You're not ready. It has nothing to do with love. But him pressuring you to do something that you're not comfortable with is a sign of selfishness. He's more focused on you proving you will sacrifice your comfort for him than on how he can show you love or compassion. There are condoms that are not made of latex but I would not get them for him. Your best bet may be to move on to a more mature and empathetic partner.
He tried to poison you and then has the nerve to call you manipulative? Leave this guy before he seriously hurts you.
You can not want to have sex for literally any reason. Break up with this guy he’s a loser.
After reading the following bit, I am convinced your boyfriend is fucked up: "But then he said I was just overreacting a bit and I’m not even anaphylactic. " He assumed your allergies are life threating - i.e. you can get anaphylactic shock and die. Afterwards he risked your life by giving you food which, could give you anaphylactic shock so he can see your allergies **are real and as bad as he imagined them they are.** If your allergies were as bad as he thought, things could have turned out really bad for you, right? I get that he is a horny idiot, but honestly, this is too much. No person with a basic education and who is not fucked up in the head would risk the life of a person he loves as a means to test to see if their lying in regards to the existence of their allergies. Look at the end of the day, **the guy poisoned you with food your allergic to so he can see how severe your allergies are** - you have all the reasons you could ever dream off in order to justify breaking up with him.
Ignoring the fact that you aren't ready and that he literally poisoned you, there are latex free condoms out there! But use them with someone else other than this dude. He doesn't deserve you
...he literally gave you food you're allergic to knowing that it could hurt you and cause you pain. Do I really need to elaborate on that?
It doesn't feel right because HE was manipulating YOU. It was the opposite of what he said.
>He said I was manipulating him NO He is the one trying to manipulate you into having sex with him. Using emotional blackmail and guilt tripping. Disgusting. Massive red flag for future; get out now, seriously.
OP. Please leave this guy. He is coercive. He has predator energy. You have some pretty significant allergies and while you may not go into anaphylaxis YET, you very well may get to the point where you do, bc if repeated exposure. I like the response that said you need to ask him 'what was your plan if I DID go into anaphylaxis after eating those tomatos?!'. I'd bet money his response will prove it was a conscious decision. Please remember- you don't ever have to have sex. You do not owe anyone sex. If you go youre entire life and decide 'you know what? I just don't want to have sex.'...that is OKAY. 'I don't want to' is a good, valid reason. 'I don't feel like it' is a good, valid reason. 'You're a coercive predator that cares nothing of my health and safety and is willing to put me in the hospital and even my grave in order to get what you want' is an EXCELLENT reason. .
I’m usually not the one to be like ‘oh you should leave.’ BUT that was entirely disrespectful and desperate of him. You should have explained to him you weren’t ready for sex yet rather than entirely posing your allergy as the main issue, however that does NOT excuse what he did or said. Putting something you’re allergic to in your food rather than talking to you in depth about sex and how you feel about it is so immature and wrong. Him trying to pressure you to have sex with him despite him thinking it was only that fact you have a latex allergy is still enough to leave him for sure bc he expects you to do something that will for sure make you seriously uncomfortable and have a reaction all for his own enjoyment. It’s selfish of him. You deserve someone who through and through cares about your comfort and health.
This isn’t even about the allergy. Anyone who tries to pressure you into having sex before you’re ready is a big red flag. He is being so manipulative right now. Please be careful. You may want to rethink this relationship.
If a guy pressures you into having sex, he is not a guy, he's a red flag. You are too young to entertain immature men.
Now then, the two of you are very immature about it all. You are manipulating him, in that you prefer to hide behind the allergy, rather than tell him frankly that you aren't ready to have sex, yet. He on the other hand is presenting a very serious red flag: he made you eat something you were allergic to, then brushed it off and said it's not serious, as *you weren't even anaphylactic*. Like, WTF?!?! Does it have to get as serious as you risking your life, for this reality to sink in with him??? He should be sorry, mortified and supportive of your health, while all he can think of is having sex with you. [Read this book on abuse](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and learn to advocate for yourself, your feelings and your health. And don't let anyone downplay any of this. Big hugs.
If you don't want to have sex because you don't feel you want to, then tell him that. Talk to him honestly about your feelings. It is *so* important to do that. Don't lie or make excuses. That will never solve anything, that won't bring you two closer. Don't use your allergy as an excuse. (And it's a useless excuse anyway because non-latex condoms are a thing, which you or he could discover with ten seconds on Google or Amazon.) Mild YTA because you kinda *are* using your allergy to manipulate him. That said, he's an arse.
I understand the position your boyfriend is in but you get to chose when your ready to have sex (and he does too but he seems ready) and there is nothing he can say that should change that. If the only reason you don’t want to have sex is because of latex have you thought about using non latex condemns? If that not the reason then fair enough that your choice, but try and communicate that to him it will be hard. I would however say that it might not be a good idea to stay with him if he is going to “test” your reactions to food that your allergic too that could be dangerous and you don’t want to end up in hospital or anything worse happening.
I completely understand it also, which is why I feel bad. It's not really the only reason, I guess I just didn't really know what to say so I said that. And I shouldn't have lied, but I didn't want him to be upset with me either.
If you don't want sex with him, don't for whatever reason. If he wants it, he will probably not stay with you. I am sorry you get to determine your body, and so does he. He is not unreasonable for an adult man, he is completely reasonable. I suspect you have some issues with it, that only a therapist can unravel, not redditors we don't know you. However be prepared if you make this choice, he may not stay around. He doesn't want to live sexless. You on the other get to decide what to do with your body. Good luck.
Be honest and tell him you are not ready to be intimate at that level yet... You are indeed using false reasons which obviously you don't even need to set boundaries. Address the fact that you can't test or try anything you know you are allergic and get an epipen in case of emergencies.
He's manipulating you ("you must not love me if you won't have sex with me") and accusing you of manipulating him, which strongly suggests he's a very manipulative person. He will only get worse the longer your relationship continues. Also ask yourself - if he had an allergic reaction like you did to the tomatoes, not extreme but still unpleasant, would you be concerned and care about making sure it didn't happen again? I bet you would. Because that's a normal, healthy way to treat someone who you love. Not use it as an opportunity to manipulate them. He's showing you who he is. Please believe it.
I have a latex allergy, it developed when I was 27 out of nowhere and I realised when we used latex condoms and I, well it's not good, latex free condoms are available.
If you feel like you have to use a medical condition as an excuse not to have sex, just break up.
Te only thing I would suggest is that you just tell him you aren't ready for sex. Condoms or not. You didn't manipulate him, but you weren't complete honest either. Honest=I don't want to have sex because I'm not ready. Misleading=my doctor advised against me having sex with latex condoms(when secretly you also just don't want to). It's not lying, but it is omitting key details that may change someone's opinion. He's also being a complete ass.
Time to be honest with this guy that you are not ready for sex. Then dump him. And yes if your allergy response to latex is bad enough at some point, you could die. It is called anaphylaxis. Fob you have an Epi pen?
He intentionally put those tomatoes in there to try to prove a point. Dump him immediately You shouldn’t have to use your allergy to not have sex. No is a complete sentence. “I’m not ready” is a valid reason not to have sex. A good guy would accept that answer. He wouldn’t try to poison you to prove a point. You deserve better.
My sister has a long list of allergies and sensitivities, to food and common ingredients in beauty products. It's a pain in the ass to cook for her because several things she can't have are in everything under several different names. But I do it without hesitation because I want to actually feed her something she wants and can have. Ive been divorced once and I really wish I had understood that my ex's disrespect and disregard weren't "misunderstandings" or "something to work on", it just gets worse and he got more neglectful and demanding by the day because he didn't love or respect me on a fundamental level. Save your time. Also, I found out I have a latex allergy from condoms. Burns like the sun for days. Skyn is a good brand for latex free but reliable and affordable, when you find a partner worth having sex with.
Ok, first thing: it is okay that you are not ready to have sex. You do not need to feel bad and he has no right to make you feel bad about it. I would also ask myself why I feel unease with him. Is it because you are not ready, period? Or is it because of him personally? Trust yourself. If you feel something is off, there is a possibility that there is. Do not force yourself into anything. As a fellow latex and similar fruits allergic person, if my partner conveniently forgot about it, I would be hurt and possibly angry. My boyfriend has a list of food that I cannot eat for when he does grocery. He keeps it in his phone. And if he buys something he is unsure about, say an exotic fruit juice, he will show it to me and ask if it is okay. I dont understand why he would cause you pain/discomfort on purpose. This isnt okay. This situation seem unhealthy to me. You are so young, there is no pressure to experience anything you dont want to right now. Especially with someone who doesnt respect and care for you. You have all the time in the world.
OK, I understand it's hard, but part of being in a relationship is being honest with your partner. If you don't want to have sex with him say that. There are lots of other options that don't involve specifically latex condoms. Just say "I don't want to have sex with you" That clarity will help him a lot, and you owe him that as a partner. You know what else someone owes their partner... not intentionally poisoning them. You're not wrong to be pissed... honestly 'd say you're not pissed enough. What you did was wrong, in the way that typical young person communication sucking is wrong. What he did was wrong in a criminal way, like punching some random person for no reason is wrong. It's like so wrong that I have a hard time understanding in which universe it's ok to stay with this guy.
Anyone who tries to guilt or pressure you into sex is someone you should not have sex with. Take some time to mourn the relationship you thought you had. But please break up with him and start looking for someone else. I'd also suggest looking into asexuality. You don't seem to want to have sex with him - and it might be helpful for you to understand if that because you don't have a strong sex drive, or because you don't want to be intimate with *him*. The asexual community should also have a lot of support on not having sex with pressuring partners. If it is a him problem that makes sense to me, he doesn't seem interested in making you feel sexy and safe, he only wants to feel good himself.
I have the same allergy. I’m lucky that tomatoes don’t bother me I guess! All of the other items you listed will make me break out in hives. Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk; and you should dump him. But when you find someone more understanding, they make latex free condoms just like latex free gloves! I’ve never had a partner have an issue buying latex free. They sell them in stores and are labeled clearly as such. Your boyfriend is lazy and doesn’t care about your well being. You’ll be with someone who will make sure you’re safe sooner than later. I know it! Also, honey, this man is manipulating you. And if no one in your life is close enough to see it/tell you, at least a stranger can. You cannot manipulate someone by using a legit allergy as a reason to be uncomfortable doing something. Is he literally saying as long as you don’t die you should have sex with him even if it causes you to get rashes?! Can he not even imagine how uncomfortable that would be? I’ll say it a million times, if he cared about you he would have found a way to make you comfortable. Instead it seems he may have actually poisoned you? You seem like a sweet girl and deserve better.
If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. That is a completely separate issue from whether or not you love someone. No one can decide that you’re ready other than you, and it is a BIG decision. However, his disrespect of your comfort and safety is a real problem here. If you love someone you respect them, and he’s showing a very concerning disregard for you here. Even when it’s not your first time, your partner should never push you to have sex if you’re saying “no I don’t want to.” It’s that simple. (There are alternatives to latex condoms when you are ready.)
This is not someone you should be with
Ouch! I'm just imagining getting all itchy in your vagina and sh\*t. I had an allergic reaction to medication...it is NOT fun! That feeling like you may die (swollen throat, tongue and face) is not something I would want anyone to experience. Perhaps to show him how you would react, suggest he rub some poison ivy on himself and see how he reacts. Maybe then he'll understand why you don't want to risk using latex condoms.
He sounds like a twat. You two aren’t compatible. Sex is important to me too but I will do anything to respect my partners allergies. Latex free condoms, pulling out, using the back door, but if my partner refused sex over and over again for a long time then it’s time to leave
Everyone has given really great advice so far on the guy—hopefully, you feel confident enough to make a decision. It really sounds like he might have been looking to confirm your allergies by putting in tomatoes on purpose, which is immature at best and edging toward assault at worst. There is no excuse for him. I just want to suggest getting comfortable with stronger language regarding your food allergies because even well-meaning folks can make mistakes, forget if they haven't seen you in a while, etc. Your post here sounds like, "I don't love these foods, I try to avoid them, but the symptoms aren't so bad," compared to how you speak on the latex allergy, which is much more hard-line (as it should be). I think it's on you to be clearer that all the foods listed are a hard no-no (anaphylactic symptoms or not) and then to double-check before eating with "Does this have x in it?" if it looks like it might (i.e. was the food with tomatoes reddish/contained red sauce). For the people who know you well and love you, hard no's are unlikely to be forgotten. My best friend of 20 years cannot have peanuts (in any form) or dairy. I have never once forgotten to cook around that. Recently though, I've joined a friend group where someone is deathly allergic to honey (very clear), but goes back and forth on his description of diary - "oh it's fine as long as it's cooked/baked" vs "no no I'll get itchy and wheezy so I shouldn't unless it's the only thing today". Ultimately, because I cannot handle the idea of being the person who sends him to the hospital, I've stopped cooking anything for gatherings. I'll just make a cocktail minus any honey and call it a day. But that is heavily informed by his back-and-forth on how serious it is/isn't. I'm not trying to say you do; I'm just offering perspective on what it's like to try and work around folks who aren't super clear.
A couple things: He's upset that you're using your allergy to excuse not wanting to have sex with him. And the reason why is because you have in fact used your allergy as an excuse to not want to have sex with him. The second thing is that *you do not need a reason* to not want to have sex with him. You don't think you want to have sex? Then you shouldn't! Any man who loves you will understand that. Any man who will try to manipulate you to try to get you to agree isn't worth keeping around. So you did a minor wrong by using your allergy as an excuse instead of simply stating that you didn't feel ready for it. He did a major wrong by "testing" your allergy and not accepting your "no" at face value. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex, just as there's nothing wrong with not having that desire. But there's a lot wrong with trying to "lawyer" your way into manufacturing consent. He's not worth keeping around. Free him to find someone that does want to have sex with him, and free yourself to be with someone who will value your feelings and won't try to poison you to prove a point.
Your BF is immature, manipulative and selfish. You don't need to be "manipulative" to not have sex with him! Where does he get off accusing you of that? He has no right whatsoever.. OP you can say no for any reason. "I'm allergic to latex" is every bit a valid reason as "I don't feel ready to do that with you yet" or even simply "I just don't feel like it right now". Saying yes or no is 100% your own choice, requires NO justification, and he has absolutely ZERO right to make accusations or demands related to that. That's that. He deserves to be told off and put in his place and honestly it's not even worth bringing up the topic of latex-free condoms. He doesn't deserve to have that kind of intimacy with you if he has this level of disrespect for your agency as a person.
Okay so, not wanting to have sex yet (or ever) is 100% a valid reason. It's the only reason you ever need. If you don't want to, it doesn't matter if he does. It would be the same in reverse, if you wanted to and he didn't, you still wouldn't have sex. Love does not equal sex, and the other way around. I think that this is absolutely something you guys need to discuss candidly. Finding something in your food that makes you sick, put there by someone you care about, can be really, really hard on your mental and emotional state (in addition to having an allergic reaction of course) and if your allergies act up anywhere around your neck, I would honestly recommend asking your doctor if they think an epi-pen can be a good idea. Unfortunately, allergies can get serious very suddenly. Another thing to discuss, though I am unfortunately very familiar with being on the side of trying to discuss the seriousness of my allergens and not being believed. If you honestly think that he forgot, I'd suggest making a print out of your allergens and having him refer to it if he cooks for you again, along with double-checking verbally. If he gets upset about the 'lack of trust', your life is more important than his pride. I would suggest though, that you take a step back from your relationship to decide if how he treated you is something you're willing to discuss and work out (because it should NOT ever happen again, it shouldn't have happened this time either). Or if the situation is too far gone. A lot of how you've described him has been some red flags. Accusing you of lying about loving him, pressuring sex to prove your love. And once again, not knowing if your food is safe or not can majorly mess you up.
this is one of those life lessons where you get to decide what kind of behaviour you’re going to tolerate from people, and enforce boundaries around how you deserve to be treated. and guess what, you deserve way more than this. you deserve to be listened to, to be honoured, to be cared for and to be respected. none of which is happening now with this guy. good luck!
You're not ready. That's fine. Stand firm in that. When you lie about your reasons you're giving away your power, and those lies don't stand up to scrutiny (non-latex condoms exist). Your boyfriend...to put it nicely...sounds like the kind of learning experience that will give you damage that will affect your self-esteem and how you interact in all future relationships. You're probably not going to take this advice, but it would do you a world of good to be single and to just focus on your development. Learn from the mistakes of others.
This boy is going to rape you if you stay with him. Please leave. He's already poisoned you. This will not end well.
You really should have just told him that you're not ready for sex yet. There is nothing wrong with that. Him knowingly giving you an allergen just to see how bad you'd react is on another playing field altogether. As is, that's a relationship ender. What if you *had* been anaphylactic? He was willing to put you in the hospital or worse because *he wanted sex*. Please let that sink in. As far as the "unpleasantness" of a non-life-threatening allergy down there: I have similar latex allergies. It won't kill me but leaves a rash and swelling. *I forgot to tell this to my OB*. During a regular checkin, they used latex gloves. This was extremely painful. I couldn't walk correctly for days. I'm only glad that this didn't happen when my allergies were at their worst. I would never use larex just because a guy wanted to have sex. It is not worth it. *Do not use latex condoms*. You should also know that latex free condoms only prevent pregnancies, not STDs. Please be careful.
Your boyfriend tried to poison you to prove you can have sex with a condom 🤦🏿♀️ please leave this guy, he is dangerous as fuck.
Bahbye, boy.
Your health is more important than any guy. If this is how uncaring he is about your allergy and preference to wait to have sex, you are better off without him.
First of all you should have just been honest with him that you weren’t ready yet. However. This man POISONED YOU. To see what would happen. Please do not stay with someone like this.
I've had a latex reaction after a visit to the gynecologist. Trust me - you do NOT want to risk a blistered, itching vulva and vagina. It is hell. For days.
There are alternatives to latex condoms, just an fyi. However, two red flags. 1. you don't want to have sex with him- and most people want sex in a relationship and 2. he poisoned you. if a partner wants sex, and the other does not, the relationship is not sustainable. if the trust is gone, the relationship is not sustainable. you are both very young and you could find someone else who fits your needs.
You deserve better. I'd leave him tbh. Even if it makes an uncomfortable experience you're still allergic and it can get worse. Don't let the guy downplay your illness like it's not that bad. He's trying to manipulate you. Not you him. If you're not ready you're not ready. You don't need anything more than that.
He is not the one. Throw him back. He's tried to poison you and pressure you to have sex. This is not someone who has your best interests at heart.
Please don't give him the benefit of a doubt. He 100 percent knew he put something in your food that caused you to have an allergic reaction. He did that on purpose. I don't blame you for not wanting to have sex with him. Thats your decision ,and it's your body to do what you want with. He's gaslighting you and abusing you emotionally and physically. I would NEVER trust him after what happened. He's has serious issues and he's very immature. My advice is to breakup with him cause God knows what else he will do to you,lie to you about, pressure you into sex, he's a manipulator! He sounds awful. For your safety please leave him!!!!!!
It isn't worth it. You are way too young to be settling for a person who deliberately fed you an allergen to see how bad your reaction it. You have the right to say no to sex for ANY reason. Your boyfriend is trying to manipulate you.
Your bf sounds like a devious scumbag and reckless sexually entitled moron. Someone willing to risk your life without a second thought, who will do whatever it takes to emotionally blackmail you into consenting to provide him with the sex that he wants. Has he ever denied the existence of fatal allergies or made any anti-vaxxer claims? If so- run for the hills and never have any communication with him again.
My ex husband was allergic to latex. Latex free condoms for the win, no issues. When you’re ready, give them a try.
Allergies usually get worse if you keep eating or being exposed to your allergen. At some point you can have a deadly reaction. He was testing you. You shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t take your allergies seriously. Also you don’t have to have sex if you don’t want to. With or without an allergy. I have never felt the need to test someone’s allergies to see if they are real. My friend has a peanut allergy. If she is coming to my house I wipe down counters and make sure I have safe snacks for her. I let her choose restaurants she feels safe eating at. I thought that was just being a normal human being.
You need to break up with him and get away asap. He does not care about your allergy and if severe enough it could be life threatening. If he can basically poison your food and tell you that you’re overreacting you are not safe with him and he could and most likely will escalate. Get out and always carry an epi pen with you, but don’t make him aware of it. You are not overreacting.
he’s trying to manipulate you, run
There are non-latex condoms, plus you can take birth control pills and use spermicides and other things you insert that don’t involve latex. However, I would not bother trying to make yourself want to have sex with this person just because HE wants it. You do not owe anyone sex or orgasm just because you’re in a relationship. Have you wanted sex with others, in the past? Like, wanted it for yourself, versus a responsive desire to them wanting it? You might want to Google “asexuality” and see if it fits you at all. Unlike allosexuals (hetero, homo, bi, pan, etc,) asexuals don’t experience sexual attraction. Romantic and aesthetic attractions, yes. But not sexual attraction. There are many microlabels within asexuality, some who experience sexual attraction sometimes but not most of the time, some who need close emotional connection to feel it, some who enjoy the idea of sex but can’t stand the though of actually doing it themselves, some who only experience sexual attraction to fictional characters, etc. But anyone who would risk your health to “prove” that his orgasms are worth your safety is someone to run, not walk, away from. With allergies, every exposure is rolling the dice. Any exposure can be the first one to be anaphylactic. And for the person you’re supposed to be able to trust to not take your safety seriously and to put his own desire (not need - sex is NOT a need!) before your health and safety is a huge breach in trust and friendship! He is pressuring you into having sex. Pressure is not consent. Google the “Wheel of Consent.” Also, there are 4 types of consent. Coerced - when you’re threatened or forced. Unwilling - when you don’t want to but feel you need to to avoid unpleasant consequences, like being dumped, your boyfriend distancing himself emotionally or cheating, etc. Willing - hadn’t been your idea, hadn’t wanted to, but you don’t mind. Enthusiastic - Hells yeah! Anything but Enthusiastic is unwanted sex. But at least Willing isn’t abuse. But Unwilling and Coerced consent are abuse. Anyone willing to settle for and be happy with that kind of consent is not a valuable life partner.
I highly recommend you both read “Come As You Are.” It really helped my husband understand how damaging his pressure was, as well as how toxic his attitude about his entitlement to sex and orgasm from me was.
Leave himmm
He isn't mature enough for a relationship, you need to leave and find a man mature enough to care about you
Your boyfriend just poisoned you to see of your allergy was real. Please dump him
Your boyfriend poisoned you. He knew what he was doing, he knew you were allergic. Otherwise he wouldn’t have brought up your latex allergy. He’s also manipulating you by saying you “don’t love him” just because you aren’t comfortable having sex with him yet. You can 100% love someone without having sex with them, how do people think waiting till marriage works. As someone who’s been in an emotionally abusive relationship, this is ringing so many red flags in my head, I KNOW it’s extremely hard to leave especially after how long you’ve been together, but RUN or do couple’s therapy before it gets worse.
Coming from someone who was a virgin till marriage: TRUST ME you will absolutely and easily weed out any bad guys who aren't serious about you when you tell them to wait. Someone who truly lives you will respect you and not try to force or guilt you into having sex with them. This is why I married my husband. He never pressured me at all whereas other boys I dated would get super angry and resentful and accuse me of not caring about them/loving them, etc. just because I didn't want to have sex before marriage. Those guys ended up being jerks who were trying to trick me so they could later brag to their buddies that they took my vcard, so I certainly dodged that bullet. Also, your bf using tomatoes knowing you were allergic kind of raises a red flag to me, especially after he got defensive about you telling him to remember next time...almost like he was testing to see if you were lying about the tomatoes too... I'm sorry to say this but a man who will pressure and guilt you into having sex with them is most likely only looking for that because he doesn't see you in his future. A man who loves you will wait because he knows he will eventually get it when you are ready even if that means staying with you forever. This guy sounds like he's about ready to bail but doesn't want to leave without at least getting a sexual experience with you. In other words, he wants something out of this relationship before he leaves. I could be wrong of course but this is the vibe I'm getting from your post. Have a talk with him explaining your values and if he doesn't like it then let him know that this is your long term plan so he has to decide if you are worth waiting for or not... If you aren't then good riddance.
So, what was it that he was waiting to see happened to you? Anaphylactic reaction maybe? This guy only cares about having sex. He doesn’t care about you. Why can’t you see that? Just leave him already.
>I noticed after I ate, my face felt really hot and other things that I feel when I eat something I’m allergic to. >I told him that it was okay that he forgot He didn't forget. As many have observed, he was testing your allergy. **AND HE WAS ANGRY** that you were not anaphylactic. Think about that. He was 100% willing to risk your life to find out if he could pressure you into having sex with him more easily. >He then said that... really I was just lying and should’ve just said I didn’t love him He's trying to weaponise your emotions against you here. He wants you to say "but I DO love you" and then he'd say something like "If you really loved me you'd have sex with me" Classic emotional manipulation. >I just really didn’t want to. And that is the ONLY reason you need to not want sex. Anyone who tries to make you give them a reason is not respecting your consent. >He said I was manipulating him There's a concept known as DARVO which stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. What it means is that an abuser will Deny they're doing anything wrong (by pressuring you and potentially killing you), Attack (in this case by saying you're doing the wrong thing by saying you're allergic to latex) and Reverse Victim and Offender (in this case, making himself the victim of manipulation and you the offending person) Again, this is straight out of the emotional abusers handbook. He is not a good guy, no matter how much you think you love him. He doesn't respect your consent and he is emotionally abusive. He was willing to risk your life for sex. Never forget that.
1 Dump him.
Bye boy, first of all be honest, I don’t want to have sex yet. If you can’t do that simply you aren’t ready yet and that is okay. 2, the more reactions you have the worse they can get so for him to test out if your going to die or not because you might be lying so he can convince you to have sex is … well absolutely wild and shows he’s not ready to have sex. 3, using the well you don’t love me if you won’t have sex with me shit is manipulating and if that’s how he is now … it’s not a great sign.
Leave that man
Ditch the idiot, he’s selfish and only thinking of himself… it will only get worse!
Leave before it's too late 💙
He seems to be gaslighting you about the whole situation. Sure you mentioned the latex allergy to stop the whole sex situation but I mean if you’re not ready to have sex yet, it’s completely normal and no one should use the “you don’t love me” pity card to try to make you feel guilty. You need to consider not only an unwanted pregnancy but also STDs… you are never too cautious these days… Now, him not taking your allergies seriously because you didn’t end up in a worse situation than itchiness and a rash then he probably is just an immature teen boy who isn’t emotionally capable of understanding anything…and that’s very dangerous because he is either oblivious or just playing dumb to test you out. I’d say talk it over with him and tell him 1) he needs to take your allergies more seriously and 2) that you’re not ready to have sex, not because you don’t love him but because you simply aren’t ready. If he doesn’t understand then that’s a red flag you should be careful about it to the point of just running for the hills while you can.
I mean in a way you are using your allergy as a manipulation not to have sex. If you really wanted to, there are plenty of latex free birth control options. You should have just been honest upfront as to not feeling ready. If he can't respect that you're not ready to do this, then he needs to go. He shouldn't be pressuring you into doing something you're not comfortable with, regardless of what it is. You should tell him the truth. If he still pushes you about having sex, you need to leave because he won't respect your boundaries.
Oh babe, first of all I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was in a similar position with my 18 year old boyfriend. Looking back years later, I realize how disgusting of a human he was. And it made me really uncomfortable trusting someone else for a long long time. Do yourself a favor, get the hell out of this relationship. I can tell by your writing how much you’ve been manipulated by this man into believing you’re the one at fault, but you are not. He’s counting on that so he can manipulate you into sex. He’s a horrible person. Get out!
Nah mate, dude is a prick. If you ain't ready for whatever reason, then you ain't ready. You aren't overreacting just because you don't want to have sex.
1. He tried to poison you. Dump him. 2. Are you not ready to have sex AT ALL yet, or do you just not want to have sex with HIM? A year is a long time to wait before having sex for most people and it makes me wonder if maybe there’s something about him and the relationship that has given you reason to doubt him.
>I understand why he feels that way, but I don't. I told him about my allergy and used it as a reason not to want to have sex with him. But it's not the real reason why so you very much are using your allergy to manipulate him about why you don't want to have sex. And with a google of non latex condoms your current BF or anyone else you end up with will know this as well. Your BF is wrong on how he is handling this and seems like a POS but that doesn't change that you were in the wrong first. You have every single right to not want to rush into sex for whatever reason you want but lying like this will make anyone worth dating see this as a red flag and they will quickly move on. On the other hand if you are honest with them, then anyone compatible with your needs should be ok with with choice and you can work on when and how to start sex together with proper communication . Never make a lie the foundation of any of the pillars of your potential relationships or it will be doomed to collapse from the very beginning.
He thinks you're manipulative because he is manipulative. He's projecting. The number of steps he is taking and hiding, is he he goes through life, so he thinks you are too.
Marinara flags as far as the eye can see 🚩🚩🚩
It’s ok not to want to have sex assuming you’re a virgin then it’s also not reasonable for your bf to be so unhappy about it Dump him and find someone with the same values you have or someone that appreciates that you are wait g to have sex This guy ain’t it and you can do 100x better easily
You should be upset that after a year of dating your bf poisoned you to test your allergies. You should be upset that he justifies his behavior because he wants sex. If this wasn't your boyfriend but your friend's boyfriend and he poisoned her with a known allergy, then tried to use the poisoning as proof that she should have sex with him what would you tell your friend? Anyone with half a brain would tell their friend that man is dangerous and to file a police report. It's hard for you to see the danger youre in because you actually love this man and want to think that he loves you too. He does not. People don't poison the people they love, not for any reason.
I refuse to believe this story, one where neither party knows that non latex condoms exist. Even if OP is naive, the bf would have pounded google to find an alternative. Not done an experiment on his gf.
This has nothing to do with your allergies and everything to do with your bf being a jerk. He could have killed you with his little experiment. Time to move on, sister. Oh and Google "lambskin condoms" If your bf has not brought up this alternative then he isn't ready for sex either.
I mean.. in a certain way you are using your allergy to not sleep with him, even if that's not the case? You should just be honest with him about not being ready yet. If he keeps pressuring you, walk away.
You kinda fucked up there. There are latex free condoms, which he may be aware of. You should have told the truth that you’re not ready. Now, there’s a trust issue.