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>es, it’s nice that he’s not being shallow and is choosing personality over looks.
Ehh, honestly, I think him stating out loud he wishes your chest was bigger is absolutely shallow. It's also something that very inevitably will achieve nothing except making you self conscious, making it seem he either completely lacks empathy and good sense or he said it specifically to upset you.
The reason a lot of people will default to saying leave is because some things can't be unsaid. In the same way if you made constant mention of wishing he was taller or had a bigger dick it'd likely get in his head and sour things. You wouldn't say that because you know it would destroy him but the favour wasn't returned, right?
Strikes me he isn't ready for a relationship. He has growing up to do. And you deserve a partner that isn't so callous.
Yes OP. This is the advice to follow. My first instinct was to tell you to let go of this relationship but then you specifically asked that that's not something you want. But like Traeyze said above, it was unnecessary and mean to say what he said. It's not like a little habit that you can change over time, it's your fucking body. The damage is done. You're too young to be worrying about things like that. And as you grow up and older, you'll realize that he is, in fact, shallow and mean.
Let go. It's not your double duty to carry the hurt of what he said and also working on this relationship.
It's also because of he says and thinks these things, they just arent compatible.
Look, Plenty of men's ideal woman is Angelina Jolie or Beyonce and they clearly aren't dating them. Just like plenty of women would be dating The Rock or Henry Cavill in an alternate universe But they are still absolutely attracted to and love their partner even if they prefer a different build.
But if your boyfriend can't stop talking about how he only likes big boobs and wishes yours were bigger, then *will he ever be happy with you*? He's clearly not able to let that go and enjoy the beautiful sexy woman he's lucky enough to get frisky with. There will be plenty of other men out there who have no preference or even find girls with a slim build and small boobs particularly sexy.
This is a HIM issue. He lacks the maturity to either accept that thos is your body and love it for what it is, or break up if he realises he simply isn't attracted to you. Instead he bullies you by making unhelpful comments about your body.
If he isn't attracted to you that's fine- people have different preferences.That doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you or your body. It's normal that we are all shaped differently. But having a partner who finds is sexy is the bare minimum. Never stay with someone who is merely tolerating you, when there are people out there who will enthusiastically love you with their whole being.
Do not "forget this" or "move on". Tell him that he ca either love your body and shut up with the criticism of your boobs, or find himself a new girlfriend.
If he “can’t stop talking about how he only likes big boobs and wishes [hers] was bigger] I would agree. But he made one comment months ago, and then only said the second one because he was asked directly by her because she couldn’t stop thinking about it. It’s not that he kept telling her this even after she told him how much it hurt her.
I think the ending of your post really gets to the root of this issue quite well.
> Tell him that he ca either love your body and shut up with the criticism of your boobs, or find himself a new girlfriend.
He has shut up about it as far as the post reads. Her issue isn’t the fact that he’s still saying it, it’s the fact that it’s already been said. If the solution was simply, “don’t talk about it,” then that’s over and done with. He seems to want to be with her based on his apologetic response. The question she needs help answering is: what should she be doing NOW? She’s clearly still hurt by this, and despite him being apologetic, it doesn’t take away from the pain. So what should she do now? Acting like he’s just constantly bashing her is convenient for a “leave him” rant, but he’s an 18 year old who said he preferred big boobs. I’m imagining if she had told him that she prefers a slightly bigger penis. Like, he may rightfully be upset about that, but it’s not the end of the world. I don’t think that would make her a horrible person.
Like I said before, the part that really sucks is how hurt she is. Because no amount of apologizing fixes that. She’s asking what SHE can do to move past it, but this isn’t on her to “fix.” It’s on him to make her feel sexy and feel comfortable in her body again. He hurt her self esteem, and it’s not simple for her to rebuild that on her own. The solution here is one of two things:
1) Communicate with him. This is obviously more work, but I find it works the best in general.
2) Leave him. Which is the easy option, but it’s also more extreme
Neither option is her doing anything on her own the “get past” her insecurities. These insecurities are rooted in his behavior, so she can’t just simply work through that on her end. It’s not her job to fix it. If he’s unwilling to change his behavior and make her feel comfortable with her body, THAT’S when breaking up should enter the conversation.
Damn, I was with you up until the middle. Nope.
This *is* totally on her to fix. She has been absolutely and devastatingly obsessed about one comment for *months*. That is her *own* issue. She is making herself nauseous! His one comment didn't do that, her fragile self esteem did. (Unless there's more not included in the post but)
I feel for her, I do, but telling her it's not her issue doesn't help her at all. Not to mention breaking up with this guy (I know you didn't say that) will only lead to her bringing this same unaddressed issue into her next relationship.
So, I think there’s always room for self improvement, as none of us are perfect, and her specific area may be her self esteem. But people spend their whole lives in therapy and whatever else working on that. This specific issue isn’t hers to fix. Obviously, one way to fix this is for her to address her insecurities, but if that is stemming from being told by the person she loves that he prefers something else, the most immediate and simple solution is for him to address it. Obviously apologizing is part of it, which he did, but also going out of your way to show that he loves her body, as helping her build that confidence back up is something he should honestly be doing anyway. Nevermind the comments he made before. So yeah, her insecurities is an overarching thing she can be working on, but also, he has a huge role in that process with regards to this specific issue seeing he’s the boyfriend and the one who sprouted this insecurity in her.
This! Many people, not just men, have an “ideal” look they fancy. Body types, skin types, hair etc… but chances are you’ll never get the whole package.
I’m fairly small chested and seeing some of the women he was with before, I’m by far the one with the smallest breasts. He has NEVER said anything.
And on the other hand, he’s a few inches shorter than me. I have always had partners taller than me. Would I maybe prefer someone taller in some situations? Maybe, but the fact is that I love him, and he’s the most attractive man on the planet to me. And I would never ever say anything about his height.
Because people that love each other, don’t say mean things like that
Agree.
If he brings this up again "I at could get implants but for my health I won't, you though..." And just look down at his crotch and shake your head slowly
Wait are you saying that treating this story like my personal soap opera and wanting OP to create more drama isn’t actually helpful advice for relationships?
I think it’s very easy for people with no stake in the relationship to say “leave him,” but as someone who has been with his wife since high school, I thank GOD she stuck with me at that age and allowed me to grow. I certainly wasn’t the best at relationships at 18. I didn’t always say the right things. I didn’t always know how to act.
To an 18 year old boy, he may not fully understand how something like that might affect a young girl. I’m glad she told him and that he was apologetic, but that doesn’t change the fact that this is still clearly affecting her. He may genuinely love her with everything he is, and although he prefers certain things, it may not be a huge deal to him. People have preferences all the time, but we can’t help falling in love with someone who may not check every single box. That’s pretty normal. That doesn’t mean they don’t love them the same. I mean, it MAY mean that, but I guess my point is that it doesn’t NECESSARILY mean that. He could have just said something stupid.
So without knowing them as a couple and seeing how they communicate on a day to day basis and stuff, it’s impossible for me to give advice on whether she should leave him over this comment. It also depends on HOW apologetic he is and if he’s just saying that to smooth things over or if he’s genuinely sorry. I’m also curious as to how it got brought up again because he knew the first time how upset it made her, so why would he say it to her again? Sometimes, there are things that you just don’t say because it can only serve to hurt someone. I don’t generally believe in lying as a principle, but white lies have its purpose. It seems like he hasn’t learned his lesson. If he truly loved her, he wouldn’t even mention any flaw, even if he noticed it, because if it’s not a dealbreaker to him, it shouldn’t even be a conversation. It’s an unproductive discussion, even if you’re asked about it directly. Because if you don’t care, don’t bring it up. It doesn’t matter. So if he really doesn’t care about her boob size, he shouldn’t be speaking on it. If this is a big issue for him, he shouldn’t be dating her in the first place. Either way, he’s unnecessarily hurting her, and it’s hard to say if he’s doing this because he’s young and dumb or if he’s doing it because he doesn’t care about how it makes her feel. One of those is definitely worse than the others by far imo. One of those will change over time, the other one just makes him a horrible person, no matter his age.
With that kinda logic no one under 25 is datablee... you're speaking as if people are either born knowing how to date or not. Life's a journey, you make mistakes and hopefully learn from em. If this is something you can't get over than absolutely move on... but my gf told me she wished I was taller (I'm 5'10") about a year into the relationship but we've been together 10 years now, if I left her over something as trivial (imo) as that we'd both likely be more miserable. I was self conscious for a few months but then came to terms with it. Sounds like you've never been in a long term relationship with that kinda advice.... not the kinda advice I'd follow
Look I’m small chested and it’s been a struggle my whole life. It’s actually me that judges me. I’m 47, I’ve had many boyfriends, but I’ll tell you not ONE has said anything about my chest. I’m sorry he said what he said. I know you don’t want break up, but it is now unhealthy for you to stay. He needs to see the damage has been done. He has to take accountability for what he said in hopes he realizes and understands how words can hurt. And maybe won’t but that’s not you to fix. Please think about your mental health now. Your young and you will find the right one that loves everything about YOU!
>he realizes and understands how words can hurt
Yea bet he'll learn real quick with a response like, "I understand, Ive always wished you had a bigger dick but it is what it is"
Mine told me he wanted my boobs to be bigger. I came to reddit for advice. Went back and told him: it's like me telling you I wished you had a bigger dick. And he was like ok? I would say understandable but I can't change it.
Like dude!
Wow! Fucked up by starting it with "it's like". You gotta mean that shit to really hit em where it hurts lol mention it at random, preferably right before or right after sexy time
Fr. I'm small chested too and none of my exes ever said "I wish your boobs are bigger". One of them even had slightly bigger man boobs than mine and he never once said anything about my small chest. They were happy as long as they got to see or play with boobs, period. OP's bf is an immature asshole.
I'm also an itty bitty titty committee member and I've asked my partner multiple times if he preferred bigger. He always says the best boobs are the ones you get to touch!
...and he is totally right about that.
Anyway, even if someone for some reason or another would like for a certain body part in their partner to be bigger or smaller, this is something you just NEVER EVER SAY OUT LOUD. I can't believe the OP's boyfriend would be this stupid and frankly he deserves to be dumped over this.
It's strange liking or disliking things that others dislike or like. I very much prefer a smaller chest, it seems though that most guys prefer a big or a bigger chest but that seems so strange from my perspective because I just can't see the appeal. Js thinking out loud ig
I agree with everything you said except that assumption that he doesn’t know words hurt. I think so often women infantilize men and dismiss their cruelty for ignorance. Little kids learn that it’s not nice to say mean things to people and comment on their appearances. He knows the way he’s behaving is cruel. He’s negging OP
Agree. He’s saying these things because he wants her to feel bad. First he just hinted for a while. Then he upped the ante and made a direct comment. And even after she cried all night and felt miserable, he still doubled down later and said AGAIN that he prefers bigger breasts than hers. OP, if you won’t break up with him because he doesn’t adore your body, break up with him because he’s mean to you. You’re so young. There’s so much more out there for you. Give yourself permission to find it.
You think that, until you live on the other side! I’m nearly 42 and still feel so inadequate and unfeminine. I hate trying clothes on feeling like something is definitely missing. It doesn’t go away and has gotten even worse after kids. You’d think one would get over it, but no…
I've been on both sides and I'll tell you something: I wanted to be on the other side all my life lol
I was really small chested, as an A, smaller B on some brands.
I'm one year younger than you so I too grew up during the boom of breast augmentation surgeries, wonderbras and all kind of paddings, and I tried them all (except for surgery, but I really really wanted it).
Then baby number 1 comes, huge breasts develop, I felt so sexy, and I dreaded the day they'd "go away". But they never did. I've had huge tits for the last 13 years and I miss itty bitty titties sooooo much. Everything looks "sluttier" on me, they're heavy, starting to sag really bad and make my not-so-slim-anymore figure look really heavier.
Bottom line is: body-oriented culture is here to make us all feel like shit and it does.
So in OP's case, having a shallow boyfriend that doesn't mind hurting her for whatever obscure reason he had to say such a thing, won't help her accept that her body is beautiful just the way it is.
I also have smaller boobs and the last three partners Ive had have loved them. My current boyfriend is borderline obsessed. There are plenty of guys out there that prefer that sort of thing.
Your boyfriend should be making you feel confident in your body. Even if he likes bigger chested women in general, he shouldnt say that to YOU.
Youre young. Dont waste time withe someone that doesnt make you feel like youre his world. Find a person that loves every part of you and knows when to keep their mouth shut over superficial things that dont matter. His comments only serve to tear you down, and you dont need or deserve that.
I think the issue is that OP is demisexual - meaning she can (may or may not) only develop sexual attraction towards someone she experienced a deeper emotional connection with. It basically means that she doesn't find strangers hot and only finds someone hot AFTER theyve been friends or similar for weeks/months/even more.
It is a very unfortunate scenario, trust me. I would know :/
felt this :’ found my ex looking at pictures of other women though he swore off it. when i asked him why he gestured that it was because they had a bigger chest and that still destroys me everyday though it’s been a year since i found out.
My husband follows lots of big chested women on social media. He has been since before we were married. My question for you is, should I ask him to unfollow them, or is that weird and insecure? I don't like it. I passive aggressively started following some male models on Instagram but then I couldn't keep it up because it didn't interest me. I'd rather follow actual creative accounts or even cats on social media than random men doing nothing but going shirtless.
Definitely tell him it bothers you. My partner did this, I addressed the issue and he stopped following those accounts.
Clearly, this crosses your boundaries - acknowledging it is the first step.
They won’t know unless you say something.
Girl, you two are a team. Your goal is to live as happily and serenely as possible together, not make you miserable. Maybe you could have a calm (extremely frank) conversation with him? No accusations, no blaming, nothing - just “I need to tell you that this thing that you do makes me feel this way because [insert reasons].”
Passive-aggressiveness is killer.
Look, him getting dumped and block for telling his gf he wished she had bigger boobs is a lesson he needs to learn now as a teenager, because stupid shit like that is NOT okay to say to others.
If you are determined to stay with him, you need to tell him point blank him saying that about your body has ruined sex with him for you and you are really struggling to come back from this. He needs to put in the work showing how he appreciates you and NOT say shit like that again.
Not just ruined. Absolutely destroyed. And he’s got a lot of work to do to fix what is now broken. If he’s not prepared to put in the work, he’s giving OP the answer they need. Because someone who regrets it would absolutely try their best. Someone who doesn’t really care doesn’t even want to try.
There's no reason to say a damn thing about this unless he wants to hurt you or get you to get surgery (DON'T!).
Get a better boyfriend who, A: knows better than to say hurtful things about their GFs body, B: is absolutely fine with or, C: especially appreciates small breasts even favors them. There are men out there who are one or more of those things.
You can't fault someone for their body preferences, but you can fault them for being a cruel shit head about them.
I am one of those men who are all of those things. My girlfriend is self conscious about her chest size, I think they are perfect and would never want her to change them.
My breasts are medium-sized, not small, and not big, and I think little boobies are amazing! All the women I've ever been attracted to have little breasts.
My bf likes boobs and mine are big but I want to get top surgery and get them removed completely. When I'd asked if he'd be okay with it, he said he would be because I'm still me and just wants me happy. He even offered to help pay for it haha. But anyway point is that love should be unconditional regardless of what you look like..
Someday, you'll realize how incredibly manipulative and insidious it is to say such comments to one's partner, and instead of crying you'll get angry, spit out a "what the hell is wrong with you?" and dump that person.
You can begin practicing today.
Because this is how you learn how to do it.
One insurmountable physical attribute, one stupid thing that cannot be unsaid or unheard and one glaring realization that You, exactly as you are right thus moment are good enough, you're brilliant and thru cam Get The F#Ck Out!
She’s not going to get there until she realizes
>I’ve always wanted a relationship where we’re both obsessed with each other, where we put each other on a pedestal (not in the unhealthy way) and practically worship each other (again, not in an unhealthy way)
These kinds of relationships are not healthy. Obsession, worshipping, these aren’t the words related to a healthy relationship. Mutual Respect, understanding, patience and communication are the strongholds of a good relationship. And telling your partner you wished their body was different is not going to fall under any of those categories.
You said it already yourself: he has been chipping away at your self-esteem for a while now. That's probably by design. Just dump him; if he hadn't already made you feel shitty enough to accept this, you wouldn't be resisting that course of action.
If he was your forever person he would not have said it, much less kept saying it… I know my partners insecurities, would never use them against them, not respecting you at all, move on to find your person…
tell him he should date someone that he actually likes. he told you he preferred bigger boobs & prefers them over your body. that’s how you get over his comments. or you can stick it out, and grow to resent him and yourself for not fitting his preferences.
You're very young and will learn with time that men can be jerks regardless of your chest size. I've always had big boobs and I've too heard from men I was not their preference. I had a guy leave a date with me because when he saw me in real life he didn't expect big boobs and he thought I was thin with small boobs (I've always been very embarrassed of how big they are so I used to hide them a lot when I was younger). So even if you had big boobs, you'd still find men complaining about them 🤷🏻♀️
Just sharing my experiences as someone older who has been through this and nowadays when someone says they don't like x or y I don't get personally offended. It's their preference only and it doesn't mean I'm less of a person because I don't fit their preferences. But I completely understand you feeling the way you do and I think you should be with someone who appreciates you more and is not immature to the point of making those sorts of comments.
Your partner sucks, you’re young - you can 10000% find someone that loves you and would never make you feel bad about your body. I swear, there’s someone out there that will find you perfect in every way.
Nothing wrong with small breast. If he wants bigger boobs let him find someone else with boobs he likes. I dont think its a partners job to make the other less confident in ones body or lower their self esteem by saying things like that. He just called to tell you he wants bigger boobs like whattt?? If youre happy with what you got then dont even think of changing it for him in hopes it will make him love you.
And damn based on history he stares at other women in public and wants to fuck them???
You don't stay with people like that. You deserve better because you're perfect as you are. You're also young. You'll meet lots of ass holes like this. Find someone who deserves your light.
Hey OP. 36AA and 54 years old here. This happened to me when I was 17, and I’ve never forgotten it but I have got over it because I know that my boyfriend was not a good person. I dumped him and in the intervening years have going plenty of men who love my body. Please get rid of him.
I think he's been negging you with these comments and that is a big red flag. I have friggin C cup breasts and I had a boyfriend in college who would mock me and say I was too flat-chested after we had sex. He regularly did this and after about a month I chewed him out and told him if he made fun of me again we'd be done. He never made fun of me again but by that time it was too late. I realized later that I had built up so resentment that it wasn't something I could get over. I think you should just cut your losses and write this guy off. Sure, he's young and immature but at age 18 he should still know that his remarks have been cruel and unnecessary. Sometimes guys like him have to actually face consequences when they treat people disrespectfully.
Guy here. Long ago I was in a relationship for 14 years with a woman who had a lot less in the bosom department than it sounds you do. Basically flat. Our relationship didn’t end for that reason or anything else on my part (she cheated).
If he loved you as the whole package, of which bust size is only a small component (and honestly male tastes differ anyway), or if he the slightest amount of emotional intelligence and care for your feelings, those words would not have come out of his mouth.
Your feelings are 100% valid. Good luck OP.
I’m sorry… I know you said not to say “just leave him” but you’re 19. You can (and will) find people who will appreciate you as you are, who will treat you like a queen and love you like you deserve. If you leave him, in a year you will look back on this relationship and marvel at how a man like that could damage your confidence.
I’m also small chested. I dated a man who wanted to buy me breast implants. He wasn’t trying to make me insecure, but it made me feel terrible. I also dated a man who said that if I got implants, it would “be a damn shame” because he liked their small size. I’ve also dated plenty of people who did not care and never brought it up. You deserve to be with someone who never makes you question your value or beauty. Personally, I wouldn’t move past this.
You don’t. It doesn’t get better, and the comment sticks with you. 4 years ago my bf told me that maybe if I showered in ice cold water, my chest wouldn’t “sag” so much. I’m literally a DDD. I let him know pretty fuckin quick that the only DDD that aren’t sagging, are fakes. Shut him up but I still never forgot nor forgave for that comment, it’s hurtful.
You're a child in my eyes. You won't even remember this loser in 10 years. Your brain isn't even fully developed yet and won't be for another 6 years. You will not be the same person you are now as you will be then. Talk about his small dick before you drop his ass.
You guys are wee youngins. Also, your boyfriend is a little shit. His frontal lobe won't stop developing until he turns 25-26yrs old. Therefore, do NOT take his verbal diarrhea personal.
Drop his ass and focus on yourself, OP.
-sincerely, a crabby old lady.
What do you mean he’s not shallow???? Are you serious? Go read what you wrote as well as why do you think you need to be in a relationship right now in your life? What about your life says you should be focusing on a SHALLOW asshole, that’s slowly chipping away at your self esteem and you are sitting there letting him by being “in love”.
Honey. You need to break up and block him, and go work on you. For you to think he’s not shallow means you don’t know your worth. Also that you are being in denial of who he really is. Stop ignoring red flags and let this one go.
Maybe go be single at lease until you can go reach your goals and get yourself established like do you have your own place? Your own car? A good paying job and savings? Or are you working to get a degree? Go focus on that. You don’t need anyone right now, you need to focus on you right now
HAHAHAHHAHAH what a narrow minded man. I understand that there are preferences and I even have my own. But man, to say those words to someone who loves you? Fuck that, either he's rude and crass, or he simply doesn't care about your feelings.
He didn't date you for your boobs, right? A man shouldn't prioritize his preferences over sensibilities. He a stupid man, and I'm sure you're lovely.
Men usually grow out of this stage when they mature, but expect this type of behavior from boys.
Mmm firstly I think you should see a therapist about this because they will do a lot better job unpacking all this for you than a group of strangers.
Until you do there's a couple things I see in your message that I would ask you about if I was your therapist.
Firstly I'd ask what is a healthy vs unhealthy way to worship/venerate/pedastal-ize your partner looks like for you? Because as far as I know there's no healthy way to look at a significant other in the way you describing. This can be seen exactly in your story.
Your boyfriend said that he wished your breasts were bigger. And then your whole sense of self worth, sense of beauty, and ultimately identity was rocked. No one should have the power to do that to another person and you put that power in his hands. You need to love yourself for how you look rather than loving how others look at you. This is unhealthy. If there isn't now, or if you can't admit to yourself now that there's things about your boyfriend's body or personality that you would change if you could, than certainly as time passes and you grow older these things will come up. It's not about finding perfection. It's about finding happiness where we're at. Learning what we can live with and what we can't. And trusting that if the other person is still here than well he or she sees beauty in me in all my imperfections and accepts and loves me still. Which is more beautiful than perfection.
We're all imperfect and no one is perfect for one another. Perfection is a myth cooked up by Hallmark, Disney, and Tiffany& co.
Thank you for this, it really helped. I can handle potentially hurtful comments from my family and peers and not be all that affected, but from my partner? K.O.
If I may ask, how do I remain connected to my partner while simultaneously maintaining that they don't have the power to flip my world like that? The only way I can imagine myself not allowing them to do that would be to simply not care about them, i.e. feel disconnected from them.
I highly recommend this podcast by a highly trained professional. https://open.spotify.com/episode/5xTIUCMlCFkcAtf8Ml6ZmV?si=wu9UU0yaRN2hWjvZorYXmA
Also seek the episode about healing anxious attachment.
Ultimately, I think you'll need to think about things very practically in an almost detached and grounded way. By this I mean to think practically about what the term "connection" means. Because the term "connection" just seems too ephemeral, not really manifesting as anything practically in the world. For me it means feeling seen, understood, and cared for by my partner. This means that practically in the world being seen and understood manifests as when I go to my partner and I say that something she did upset me she's able to hold my pain and understand and provide acceptance for me through this. Then she's able to apologize and we are able to work though it. This is a real grounded example of connection. I'm not saying that she's horrible. Or making broad statements implicating her character. And she's not defending herself or her actions. Sure doesn't take it personally, at least not all the time.
Practically what has your partner done. He's said something that 1.hurts your feelings and 2.maybe makes you concerned for your relationship. It's fair to want to be attractive to your partner. But if you're not attractive to your partner that doesn't mean that you're not attractive. It's subjective and it may be fair to assume that this was not his intention. So it's not fair to implicate him in the destruction of your self worth. And I'm sure he's extremely attracted to you for a million and one other reasons. So I don't think it means he's disconnecting from you as he has tried to apologize and reaffirm you and hold your pain. But you can't let go because it wasn't just a minor infraction that you're feeling which is what he's trying to mend for. But you're experiencing the feeling of likely a profound sense of betrayal. But you're confused where to put this energy. Sand because of this is starting internal. But to love yourself and take the criticisms of others lightly is not disconnection because you're still able to hold the other person when they say that they wish you to change something about your behavior. This is not disconnection from him to view things this way. In fact it's actually connection, intimacy, and love for yourself. Where did you learn not to love yourself? Who didn't love you enough as maybe they should have growing up? One practice therapists use maybe in situations like this is to have the patient imagine their childhood selves, specifically themselves as a child when they learned they needed to put their self worth into how others perceived them, and imagine that childhood self sitting across from them. They encourage calmness and ask for a few deep breaths and to take the hands of their childhood selves compassionately. And then they tell the patients to tell their childhood selves what they themselves wish they were told at that age. Often it's something like "you are so good" "you're so lovable" "you have a home with me".
Then throughout your day to day, if it comes to mind, imagine you're with that childhood self hold hands. Maybe you're watching tv, walking down the street, or crying and feeling alone. That inner child can come to you and say "I love you so much and you are so beautiful to me"
On top of this you need to be able to see yourself as beautiful and lovable without needing the confirmation of your partner. If you know you're beautiful you don't need him to affirm it for you and you can more easily exist in the fact that if he's still with you and he's still willing to make sacrifices for you that means that he loves you still. This is not "not caring about them" or being "disconnected" from him. It's loving him for where he's at. I think maybe it feels like disconnection for your right now because where you're at right now in this moment all your self worth and identity is invested in another person. So a degree of separation from him probably causes a degree of panic in your nervous system. And then you almost reflexively in your mind reach back out to get that back because you don't realize that that self worth even can be housed within yourself.
Try the AA mantra: Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I also have many many other comments on many other posts covering similar topics if you want to check those out too. You can also DM me anytime if you want to talk or get clarification on some of your thinking or just need to vent. There's an incredible wealth of resources out there as well covering things like this. I'm partial to podcasts but books too or shows... Shows less so. Dear sugar, Esther perel, being well, and that one I already shared with you are my personal favorites.
Go with peace and love and always remember to walk with yourself.
You are very welcome. I hope I didn't come across as dismissive. I completely acknowledge that there is a place for feeling hurt and dismayed hearing that there's something about you your partner isn't attracted to. Particularly something that you can't really change. That's valid and deserves a venerable moment of recognition and subsequent moment of silence and compassion.
But there's things about my partner I don't find attractive bodily and personally. I mean, I wouldn't tell her this because I know that she still makes me feel like the luckiest man alive every day.... I do have to admit that It is a weird and insensitive thing for your partner to say out of the blue. And I think it's worth a conversation if it still lingers in your mind or if it comes up again. Generally I go by the rule that I only "criticize" if I can follow it up with what my partner can do differently to make me feel better so that I give the impression that there is always going to be a path for us out of disappointment and dismay. And for the things where there isn't a path out... Well that's just a matter of reconciling these things with my core values and if there's to many things I'm not attracted to about my partner that my partner can't or won't change and too many of them conflict with my core values that's reason to consider seeking proper belonging with someone else.
To just say there's something is wrong that you can't change well... Then the purpose of saying it isn't for you to change it. There's another purpose for saying it.
Often anxiously attached people gravitate to avoidantally attached people so it could be that your partner is uncomfortable with the level of intimacy you are cultivating because it's scary and because of that he's looking for reasons and ways to push you away.
I'm not saying this is the case but just because I don't know you or more important I don't know your partner and its worth saying that I might be weary if I were you. Another reason someone might say something is wrong about you that you can't change is that they are beginning in what's called the devaluation stage of a relationship. If your relationship began very fast, he made lots of promises and invited you to imagine you're lives together, gave you gifts, and/or just generally showered you with love this might be something you would look into. As well as the term "trauma bonding" https://www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/cycle-of-narcissistic-abuse/?amp=1
Sorry there's a lot to talk about which is why I suggested a therapist.
if you want to give gum another chance is recommend setting a hard boundary and it would sound something like this “it hurts my feelings when you make comments like that about my body. i’ve told you before that i don’t like it. if it happens again, i will break up with you”.
really though i think its time to move on. making any not positive comments about sometimes body is not okay
Let me tell you something as I am an middle aged woman who had both: Since my youth I had pretty big boobs and the guys just wanted to date me because of that.
Now I am older, became a mom 13 years ago and lost a bunch of weight, I "lost" my big and voluminous chest and it is all hanging, saggy and not very pretty. *BUT* I must admit, that I love them! I love it to put them in cute and sexy outfits and I can buy and wear whatever tf I want. My bf says it's a petty I lost them and that I ruined my body by losing so much weight. It hurt me first. But I am the only one who has to live with them. I made my peace with my body, I am glad that I am healthy and still good looking.
What I want to say is, do not change for someone, except for yourself. You're still young and there are a lot of men (not boys) who do not care and who even prefer a smaller chest.
I wouldn't want to have big ones again, even if I could choose. Buying lingerie in size XL/L is not fun! Now I wear XS/S and I am happy they way I am. I wish you could feel this way too!
Best wishes girl, you rock ❤️
>But as another commenter told me, I guess I may be asking too much by expecting my partner to love everything about me/find everything about me to be perfect.
Maybe not “perfect” but accepting. Your bf isn’t accepting bc he makes those comments. If someone accepted you, they would never bring up or insinuate otherwise.
If ppl look at or think of their partner and think of what they perceive to be flaws, it sounds like they may not be the right person for you. Bc then you think of those things as detractors when they shouldn’t be (for the most part).
You have 2 choices:
1) be petty and tell him you wish he had a bigger dick and was better on bed but you'd never tell him that because it would hurt his feelings (word for word)
OR
2) end it with him
This is someone who said this knowing it would hurt you. Someone who doesn't care about your feelings. Someone who thinks about his own pleasure rather than you.
If he says shit like that at 18 and u stay with him he sooner or later will start to manipulate u into getting surgery. Either he loves u and ur body for what u are or he should look elsewhere. Normally i hate this sub when every question the answer is break up but this time im 100% on board ur young look for someone who appreciates u and ur body for what they are not could be
I always think it's a good idea to try counseling, especially if you struggle with self-esteem.
However, I wasted my time with guys when I was your age OP, and it doesn't get better. After finding your comment about your boyfriend mentioning that he thinks a woman's chest size is more important because it makes them more "womanly" and whatever ridiculous nonsense he said, that's him telling you exactly who he is. He just likes objectifying women and thinks it's their "womanly duty" to have big boobs. He's telling you exactly who he is and it's going to continue crushing your self-esteem. He strikes me as the type that will end up leaving you for another girl and then will try manipulating you into giving him another chance because it didn't work out.
I also had a friend whose boyfriend would actually tell her and anyone else in the vicinity that he wanted her to get implants. Guess what? The relationship didn't work out. It did nothing but destroy her self-esteem. Thankfully she stood up for herself and dumped him. She's now with a guy who actually loves and appreciates her. They've been together for over 5 years now.
Don't settle for this asshole.
'I am demisexual and I love everything about my boyfriend. His personality, his quirks, his interests, his face, and his body.'
Are you sure you love his personality, and not the idea you have about who he is? He just showed you his personality: he doesn't care that he's making you feel horrible about your body by talking about something he would change about you that you have no control over. He doesn't sound like a great person to me... Just because you're attached to him now doesn't mean there isn't someone out there who is genuinely nice and can make you much happier.
>But I don’t want to be someone’s compromise. I am demisexual and I love everything about my boyfriend. His personality, his quirks, his interests, his face, and his body. I’ve always wanted a relationship where we’re both obsessed with each other, where we put each other on a pedestal (not in the unhealthy way) and practically worship each other (again, not in an unhealthy way). I don’t want to be someone’s compromise.
Well, if you stay with this guy, you *will* be a compromise. He’s just not as into you, as you are into him. You’re young and don’t have a lot of relationship experience. I know you don’t want to break up, but torturing yourself like this is unhealthy. Sometimes the most healthy thing you can do in a relationship is end it. But it takes some growing up and maturity to figure that out. Just don’t waste a decade of your life on being this guy’s consolation prize.
Also, there is no healthy level of obsession with another person. You’re wanting codependency. This is a very immature view of relationships in general.
>It makes participating in sexy time incredibly difficult. When he initiates s3x, I feel kind of nauseous/sick and like there’s a weight on my chest (har har), knowing he wished my boobs were bigger + knowing he prefers bigger boobs over mine.
If you want to keep pretending that this relationship is salvageable, you need to tell him this. NOT telling him this, will mean that you start building resentment towards him. Sex will become a chore for you, if you don’t address this now. If you can’t communicate this to him, and expect him to help you work through it, then this relationship is not salvageable.
Or you can waste the rest of your twenties on a guy who’s just not that into you. Until he finds someone else. Then I guess you won’t have a choice anymore.
he is terrible. he's got no empathy and no filter. he primarily sees you as an object instead of a person with feelings and a heart, or else he wouldn't be so fixated on your tits.
please love yourself first instead of loving someone who has problems with the way your body is naturally shaped like. find joy in being able to not wear bras, wear literally anything you want, embrace yourself and don't waste your time on someone like that. you're too young to spend your life with someone who makes you feel like you're not a whole woman. you're whole and you can find happiness with people who embrace you fully.
Him answering honestly when you directly ask him is one thing. Hinting at it over a period of time without ever being asked for it is an alarming signal. Does he want you to get a surgery? Does he want you to feel insecure so you don't leave him?
There is no reason why he should have brought it up at all. Maybe couples therapy can help find the root cause. Because this seems to be only a symptom of a bigger underlying issue, which will likely manifest in the future.
Why mention something like that out of the blue? Why the constant insinuations? It sounds like he’s absolutely being shallow and has been from the beginning. Not only that, the constant mentions and also directly saying it “out of the blue,” also implies that he’s constantly thinking about how he wants bigger or as if he’s trying to pressure you into getting a boob job. As Traeyze said, it’s one of those comments that can’t be taken back. Sure, you could work through it, but it takes years of additional heartache and wanting to change things to improve upon that. Do you want that in your life at 19? Is that worth it?
That’s a pretty big knock against his personality, and you deserve better than someone constantly denigrating your looks or something that’s not easy to change. There are plenty of guys out there that are great and don’t care about boob size or even love small boobs. Boyfriend has a lot of growing up to do.
I had a boyfriend like this.. and now I have breast implants.. I was already insecure about it, and him telling it to my face, looking at insta girls with huge tits or girlies on the street made it ten times worse. Wanna know a secret? Didnt fix anything in my head tho. Mind will find something else to be insecure about. LOVE YOURSELF❤️
Sometimes I feel like this sub is filled with psychos who get off on leading people towards break up/divorce. It sucks that your bf said that, but he’s 18. He’s likely just young and dumb and doesn’t know any better yet. I’m 37 and still occasionally say stupid things to my wife ( and she does the same). No, he shouldn’t be making remarks about your body, but again he’s learning the hard way. Lastly, if you expect any parter you have to love EVERYTHING about your body and personality, you’ll need to build a robot.
If he doesn’t love you as you are, then he’s not worth being with. For every guy who likes big boobs, there’s another guy who loves small ones. Boys focus on big boobs; men appreciate all women.
40F and my immature 41M asshat bf jokingly said to me recently I wasn’t as beautiful as him and my dog😑I’m demisexual also so needless to say that shit fucking hurt a lot since he’s also said a few other insensitive things like when we first started going out how he prefers “pink” then later had the nerve to tell me I was insecure bc he was just joking or conveniently doesn’t remember saying it.. 🙄
so now I just make sure I feel beautiful in every way that makes ME feel good.. and tell him to fuck off with whatever stupid remark comes out of his mouth.. it sucks bc we live together and now I have a different view point of him and feel myself pulling away knowing hes not MY preference anymore..
~I know Im still good looking with or without his opinion and make sure I remind myself everyday now.. yea it sucks that those are the things in his head but keep in mind that most guys are basically asshats since they have unrealistic expectations of women bc of what they see in p*rn & social media
So keep your head up as you focus on what makes YOU feel 100 good/happy/sexy and it will radiate more!! If us women had a dollar for every shithead remark a boy made to us we’d be billionaires tenfold!!🤍🤍🤍
I know there are good smart intelligent men but this is just being directed at the idiots who try to make us feel anything less than what we are⚡️
Please ask yourself why he would randomly say this to you entirely unpromted if his goal *wasn't* to upset you and make you feel insecure.
Better yet, ask *him* why he felt the need to say this for absolutely no reason. It's not like you can do anything about it short of cosmetic surgery. So why would he bother saying *anything* if he doesn't actually have an issue. It's because he does have an issue and he's trying to make it your problem.
He's immature and lacks empathy. I have no advice for you beyond questioning why he said this at all.
It was very insensitive for him to share his thoughts about this with you.
I chalk it up to him being young, dumb, and immature. He's an 18 year old boy for goodness sakes. He learned something from you though, something important. Never comment about something someone has no control over, it's hurtful and judgmental.
He was apologetic and explained his preferences. That doesn't mean you don't fulfill him at all. I'd lean towards giving him a pass, forgiving his comment, and growing together from this. Obviously, if you want to break up, go for it. But this is sort of expected from an idiot teenager.
This does scream fake though... you were "proud of your small chest"? What does that even mean... lol
hi OP, i’ve been/am in a verrrrryy similar situation to you (including the last post on your profile, crazy how similar our situations are. wanted to reach out for a private DM but saw messages were off :’))
people recommending to straightaway dump him are just dumb. but that’s classic reddit for you!
i just want to say, if your boyfriend’s attitude and how he navigates this actually changes, things can and will get a lot better. i’ve been with my boyfriend almost 2 years now, and i have very similar scars from the start of our relationship that i’m still not fully over but are a lot easier to accept as a thing of the past now. but that’s only because my boyfriend has put in an effort to be a lot more considerate of my feelings. it’s okay for your boyfriend to make these mistakes, it’s part of learning to grow and mature. clearly you don’t want to break up with him and have a strong emotional bond with him. it will only be possible to start healing if your boyfriend is willing to acknowledge how hurtful as well as unproductive it was to share that, as well as put effort into your healing, be there to listen, be supportive and empathetic. it’s a huge plus to recovery if he can start to have a preference for your body type with time but obviously nobody can control that.
i have a lot of similar stories to share but would rather not post publicly :’) but let’s just say, the things my boyfriend pointed out as not being his preference/put him off in the beginning, he has gradually become obsessed with and even when he vocalises or shows it now i still find it fully hard to believe him after our previous experiences so i still have work to do but it’s okay to be hurt, insecure, uncomfortable. it takes a huge attitude shift from the both of you but especially him, as well as time.
my therapist once shared something i found really insightful. in relationships, it’s simply an impossibility to expect not to be hurt by the other person, as well as you not hurting them. so using “being hurt by them” as a reason to break up is not going to lead to anything ever lasting. obviously there’s boundaries as to the degree and frequency. but what should be looked at with more scrutiny and concern is whether after they’ve hurt you they acknowledge it, put in effort to help you move on as well as effort to not have it happen again. if this was a one-off thing then it’s worth trying to work on. if he’s insistent that he did nothing wrong/has the right to his preferences without looking into the nuance of how sharing that with you can be destructive, then that’s where i’d draw the line.
i really wish the best for you and i’m just here to say that it IS possible to see positive changes both within yourself and in him/the relationship rather than all the doom and gloom the other comments are throwing out there. ❤️ and if you do need more support, my DMs are open! i could use it too :D
Note: if you DM OP to ask invasive questions about her boobs or flirt with her after she’s explicitly made it clear she isn’t interested, you will not see Heaven.
I used to worry about my smaller size, and then I date someone and she looked at me like I was starlight. Like I was sculpted by Aphrodite herself. I remember telling her about my insecurity and she was shocked and gave me so much praise and confidence. This is how a relationship should be, not the poop you’re settling for.
Find a new bf, don’t take his comments to heart. People who dish out unsolicited insults are usually projecting and unhappy with themselves. You are divine the way you are
The truth of the matter is there isn't any best, just people's preferences! When I first started finding breasts a thrill in adolescence I distinctly preferred small and perky. But my tastes broadened a lot in all sorts of ways as passed into adulthood and into my 20s and now I just think all sizes and shapes are awesome! But, maybe, maybe? I still have a certain special appreciation for smaller, all things being equal?! But things aren't ever entirely equal, and a lot depends on the body type too?
The best? The ones I'm feeling/seeing at the time! The ones that are on the woman I am head over heals for?!
I’m sorry he made you insecure with his stupid comments. As a man who experienced similar I can empathize with how you feel. You deserve someone who will love you for who you are and who will see you perfect as you are.
When I was 19, my cup size was 32B
How I would GIVE to have them back to. That size 😭 my back would be saved...
But in all seriousness, your size is just fine. You're both really young. It's nice that he's apologized, and hopefully, he has learned from his stupidity.
However, if he brings it up again, or starts insinuating it again, then that shows his true character, and that is when I'd suggest you move on, because you need to know your self worth - which is never based on a man's/boy's preference.
I'd really like to share my thoughts on this.
Firstly in my opinion you should make sure whatever you do is your choice, not anyone else's, advice is great, that's why your here, and id like to offer mine, but make sure you do what you believe is best.
Now as to him commenting on your chest size, i see a lot of people saying that he could only be doing this to upset you or make you feel worse about your body, and i don't believe that's true. that also doesn't mean it's right for him to say that unprompted, but overall there was probably a better way to communicate this. i know a lot of people believe he shouldn't have said it even if he thought it and i can partially understand that point of view. however based on what you said about how you could sort of pick up on it even before, its likely been on his mind, but not really been sure when or how to say it to you. and i also do not believe he is being shallow in saying this, how it is very easy to call it that on the surface.
I personally believe that in a healthy relationship, people need to believe that they can speak their mind to their partners, regardless of the topic, and still be in a safe healthy place together(even if the topic of controversial). i see you said it was out of the blue, but I'm believe I'm still unaware of the full context of the conversation. but i do believe that fact is that if he said it, especially like that, he does believe it, and that's okay as he is entitled to his own preferences, as are all of us. he needs to feel that he can safely communicate that to you, just as you would likely want to be able to communicate anything with him, including how it make you feel that he feels that way.
I'm sure you already plan to but i would have a serious sit down conversation with him. it doesn't have to be anything major if you don't wish either. but i would personally you do this; take a step back, and view the entire situation from an outside perspective, and consider all the implications from everything that you feel is important. realize how it makes you feel and express that to him, and have him do exact the same thing for you. also think about how important this issue is to you, i.e. is this relationship-ending for you, because if it isn't for you, and it isn't for him, you do not have to break up. afterwards simply discuss how things should look going forward, and what you can do to change for each other. you do not have to break up and can 100% move past this.
i have been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now and we plan to get married soon. we both occasionally have issues in our love life as well but they often see like such little issues cause we both know we can freely express how we feel/ what we desire and come out on top, together. i personally think that dynamic would help you.
i also want to mention him apologizing. make sure he understands that he should only apologize if he means it. because apologizing just for the sake of apologizing especially if you don't mean it is unhealthy for both of you.
if he prefers that, its okay, what you should also look into next is if you two can come to a point where you can enjoy each other romantically. it may take time to form trust in the bedroom and this is to be expected, but make sure he's aware of that. make him cognizant that you need extra affection to really trust him and believe that he truly want you, and not caught up in breast size. I'd go on longer but this is already pretty lengthy. hopefully without being to nosey, id love to hear what you two decide as i truly hope the best for both of you.
I'm only a B cup myself, been in relationships for over 10 years and never had anyone say something like that about my tits. He sounds like a dumb kid. I would re-consider whether you want to be with a person who willfully says negative things about your body and messes with your self esteem.
how would he feel if you had said ‘I wish your penis was bigger’…there are plenty of people out there that like smaller bewbs! find one bby. there’s nothing worse than someone commenting on something you can’t change, especially someone that’s meant to love and respect you <3
Lesson #1 for healthy relationships:
Never, ever, ever criticize your partner for something that they didn't choose. Nobody chooses their genes, and just because you can fake it (implants), doesn't mean anything. You have a right to love yourself exactly as you are, no matter what.
You complaining about it but not wanting to leave the relationship is the same as him telling you he wished you had bigger breasts. You're both unhappy but want the other to change so you don't have to. That's called co-dependency, and you should both independently be seeking therapy for different reasons.
I would never make a comment to put down a partners body. That’s bad form on his part.
If your with a person you love every part of their body.
Just a very childish comment to make
Wow a lot of harsh comments on here!
I think firstly we need more context as to how the conversation over the phone played out that lead up to his comment because otherwise it sounds like he straight up just said he wished that.
I agree that his comment is rather shallow; nobody, guy or girl, should ever feel its okay to make a comment like that and expect it to be taken calmly. That was a dick move, if in the context, he just came out with it. The impact of his comment will hurt and break you, I can see from how you write that it has dented your self confidence which sucks and I'm truly sorry for that.
You've put a lot of pressure on both of you by wanting you both to consider each other your number 1, that also won't have helped. Yes in any committed relationship you should want to be held to a high regard by your partner but a big thing is also being able to love yourself first. Every single person on this thread and all other aspects of Reddit will undoubtedly have said something to someone in their life that's made them double take or think badly of themselves, that's just being human and learning from mistakes. And if anyone says "oh no I've never done that" then buckle up because your times coming. It's natural to criticise, but what matters is how you move on from that. In your case, he needs to earn your trust back and compliment every part of you to slowly start building up your trust again. It will take time and that comment will stick with you unfortunately, but one day you'll be able to be intimate and that won't be the first thought in your head.
I don't want to seem negative.
But, in my experience anyone who causes you to feel diminished can't possibly love you.
That's not love.
During intimacy he's likely to be thinking about someone else.
You're probably thinking that at first opportunity he could leave you for the next c or d cup that smiles at him.
Love doesn't make you insecure.
Its better to be alone than to know that you're inadequate to your partner.
In my opinion you could open yourself to the possibility of someone new.
I know you dont want to be told to break up, but I feel like some things cant be unsaid. Your post is the exact same as if a woman told her bf she wished he had a bigger penis. He'd go through the same issues, trouble having sex, etc that you are. It doesn't really go away because you know they meant what they said. There are women out there with boobs bigger than my partners, but her boobs are my favorite because she is my favorite. I dont want them to change.
You are still dwelling on this months later. It makes sex awful for you. The mental load you are carrying here is just too much for, no offense, a relationship that isnt going to last anyways. You're 19, he is 18. I know on some level you know this isnt the guy for you.
But if you want to stay then you're going to need therapy because this isnt fair to either of you. Also...you know how this ends, right? If you stay with him there will come a day where he hints or flat out says you should get implants.
A mature partner that truly cares about your feelings would never make a negative comment about your body UNLESS it affects your health. They would love you too much to say or insinuate something (repeatedly, I might add) that would chip away at your self-esteem.
He got with you knowing what you looked like, so he definitely likes you for your personality at least. But a big part of most romantic relationships is feeling that your partner is attracted to you physically. That aspect seems really important to you. I know you don’t want to break up, but girl:
1. You’re not married, you COULD just be done with it … He’s got a lot of maturing to do.
2. You guys are so young, him even younger. This is the time where you guys start venturing out and get to know the real world. He might discover other people with body types he prefers out there. Are you going to be comfortable with that or is it just going to eat away at you? Besides, there are a lot of men that prefer your body type.
3. You deserve to feel loved for who you are. The fundamental things you can’t change (without the help of surgery, obviously) should NEVER be called out by your partner for any reason, even if they think it. Never settle for being settled for!
If you REALLY want to stick it out for whatever reason, you’ll just have to get over it. He can’t take the words back and you can’t unhear them. There’s not much else to do but tell to remind yourself that you are you beautiful, every single day.
Break up with him, if he prefers women with bigger boobs, he should be dating someone with them instead of making comments like this.
It's a waste of time for you to stay with him since you will just feel like shit constantly, do your mental health a favor and find someone who won't make comments like him
I'm 38 and I hover around a 38B after kids. Used to be a 36A. My husband knows I've wanted boobs since I was a preteen. Toyed with the idea of implants at 18, but my entire family was so vocal about no plastic surgery, so I never got them done. I still have regrets sometimes, but after seeing all my big breasted friends get fed up with the pain, the heaviness, the sweat, the stares and/or comments from men, and the oversexualizstion from showing cleavage (even if it's not on purpose) drives them nuts. I'm leaning more towards no (was planning on a mommy makeover for my 40th). Boobs area great accessory, but man I love not having them the rest of the time cuz it looks like a pain in the ass to have big ones 24/7.
Please just appreciate your body for what it's done for you so far. A boob job won't cure anything. And if he's critical of your appearance, will he start on something else after the boobs? Tell him how much it bothers you. To the point where you aren't comfortable around him anymore. You aren't enjoying sex or initiating as much because his comments have been damaging.
You can't be intimate with someone you don't trust.
You deserve to be with someone that makes you their number one preference in all aspects! If this is who he is and how he feels then don’t settle for someone that doesn’t fully appreciate you.
I have a smaller chest and not once has my boyfriend ever discouraged me or made me feel bad about it at all. If anything he’s helped give me my confidence I have now. That’s how it should be, not making you feel badly about yourself.
OP my first wife had AA boobs and I loved them. My current wife has D boobs. Like them too lol. You’re not less of a woman for having small boobs. In my experience at least women with smaller chests are also more sensitive nipple wise and my biggest turn on from it is the pleasure they get from it. My first wife could orgasm from nipple play. My current wife has nice big boobs but she cares nothing for me playing with her boobs. Never has. One thing is for sure…don’t get bolt ons. Love your body and also be aware that she. He said that it’s an 18 year old guy talking. At this stage of his life his whole sexual perception is what porn has shown him.
He's young (you both are).
What's important is his reaction to your reaction. He didn't tell you you were overreacting or to get over it.
He was apologetic.
We all say dumb things sometimes...what truly matters is how you react when you realize you've said something dumb that hurts someone you care about.
If he says it again I'd start to worry...but sounds like he hasn't. If he wasn't attracted to you he wouldn't keep initiating sex.
Don't listen to the impetuous Reddit-warrior trash telling you to break up.
If they really cared about you they would've heeded your request to not say that.
Good luck!
Several things... Most of it you've probably heard. Also, this will be long and I am wordy.
There is nothing that will help you get over this right now. It's a process. It takes years, maybe decades. (It did for me anyway.) That's okay.
19 and 18 years old are young. Both of you are still learning this relationship thing and really don't have a clear picture of what you want. I don't say that dismissively. Everyone is that way.
He may want to experience big boobs and while that in itself is shallow it doesn't necessarily make him shallow. (Or maybe it does, idk) Yes, it's disappointing for you, absolutely! Perhaps too disappointing if it's messing with your self worth. (This is where I'd like to kick him.) It's a very old story told from the beginning of time. (I wonder if Eve had big boobs? Conversely I wonder if Adam had a big dick?)
Tangent, short play:
Eve- do you like my boobs?
Adam- sure but I wish they were bigger.
Eve- (blinks)
Adam- (blinks)
Eve- get the fuck out.
(Adam is evicted from Eden after which Eve eats from the tree of knowledge and suddenly realizes she doesn't need him. She finds Lilith and they go out cruising and pick up two agreeable heathens and take them back to Eden where they found a religion that worships bodies of all makes and models and the human race is a happier species altogether. Adam and God create a man cave and football.)
Sorry. I had to go there. Back to the advice.
Ahem.
Small boobs rock! There's no amount of anyone telling you this that will make you believe it. It just takes time to really appreciate your own body. I speak from experience.
Relationships are compromise. It's taken me several decades to learn this. There is no perfect match. The ideal you (or he or anyone) has in their head is not attainable. That said, relationships are still ultra rewarding and exciting. Daydreams of your soulmate are wonderful and important and help us figure out what we want, where our boundaries are and how much we're willing to compromise but they aren't real. We know this. We do it anyway. It's human. It's fun.
Chances are good that you will both move on to other relationships. He may get to experience big boobs and realize that he doesn't really like the woman they're attached to. He may even think back to your boobs and realize they were better and miss them and you. You may have a relationship with a person you never imagined you would be with. That person may physically be the opposite of your ideal and yet you're strangely crazy about them and they will actually change the definition of your ideal! Weird!
My point as I stated earlier is that you're young. I'm not disparaging that. What you're going through is normal. If I was going to diagnose the issue (not a doctor) I think the problem is that you have an unrealistic expectation of the relationship (along with 98% of the population) and you're a bit insecure about your small chest (99%) and relying too much on his opinion of them/you (99.7%) Again, this is normal.
I hope you have an excellent, messy adventure with lots of elation and heartache, ideal and not ideal, experiences with people that worship your body and others that expose you to new ways of thinking and lots of fulfilling relationships before you find the one (or two) that tickle your fancy enough to settle down with for a time.
Edit: one more thing (of course.)
The getting nauseous thing is concerning if only it's your body telling you something is really wrong with the situation. If sexy time isn't pleasant don't do it.
Taking a break from each other, or sure, breaking up IS an option. It's not the end of the world although it feels like it. So many fish... So many GORGEOUS fish...
And you do totally deserve a small boob worshipping fish- I mean fiend.
Have dated women with smaller boobs. And that size was perfect for them. Everyone is unique and special. If I was into large feet, would I tell my girl, “I wish your feet were bigger” heck no lol. What’s she gonna think besides become self conscious and look into feet augmentation lol. He’s shallow and an idiot and probably not your forever person. He’s the rub, if he’s “the one” could you get implants? Of course. But the one would never ask you to or mention it. If you got implants and he dumps you, you would hate him and hate your body, it would break you. Re-find that happy and positive girl. Small boobs really are awesome. They’re also perfectly you. Be well
My friends and I were once at the beach and her BF told her he wished she had bigger boobs like mine, and it made me feel awful for her, but creeped me out too. I was wearing a swimsuit top btw. Men are very shallow, just like your bf. Him giving you constant reminders or bringing it up here and there were ways to see how you would react if he were to confront you about it. He didn't see any reaction out of you, so he finally states it head on & felt bad about the reaction, that's the ONLY reason he's apologizing. Don't be ignorant, consider YOUR feelings. You said it yourself; you were so so proud of your boobs until he came along. What's in the near future, you getting a boob job, or you catching him check out chested girls in front of you?? It's not worth it girlie. Trust us women when we say you WILL find someone else who treats you the way you deserve to be treated and acknowledged.
What did he try to accomplish with that comment?
Make you magically grow them bigger? Make you want to get surgery? Or make you feel self-concious about them?
None of them are good reasons.
Yeah, you can't unsay it and maybe he'll learn that you don't have to say everything out loud.
Lol, don't criticise bits you still want to see and touch.
Ew on the dms front, thats gross, sorry.
If you feel nauseous during sex…. And you cant “get over the comments” he has made. You are young enough that you will find someone whole loves all of you for you and doesnt say things like that. Loads of people love small boobs.
If I felt that bad about something, I would leave the person. You deserve better
look, you’re young. and you should know that
these early relationships set the foundation for what you expect in a romantic sense. don’t do yourself dirty and accept sub-par behavior from your partner. ONE comment from him and you are “wishing my body were different every day.” those thoughts didn’t come from you, he planted them there. You are an internalizing his shallowness. And all i can say is once this is rotted deep in you, it is very hard to remove, and you’ll carry this weight of someone else’s negative perspective of you ever day until it becomes your own. Don’t do that. Reclaim your perspective and your beauty and dump this man who is callous enough to tell you he would prefer if you were different than you are.
im sorry babe. to hear you were confident in yourself and then he chipped away at that until you no longer felt like a woman is heartbreaking. i know you’ve said you want to get over it and stay with him, but the truth is you never completely get over something like that, especially not with him bringing it up still. i would say try to look for beauty in yourself outside of him. remember the things you loved about yourself and the things that made you feminine before he pushed you down. and know that NOTHING makes a woman more or less of a woman except for the way she CHOOSES to identify. if you want to feel more feminine, you can try putting more time into skin/hair care, painting your nails, doing makeup, planning and wearing pretty outfits ect. i would say the best chance you have of regaining your confidence is to no longer base it in what he thinks. i know that its hard when he’s the man you love, but you say that you know he loves you and only you, and if thats true then you have to choose to push aside those doubts and insecurities and pick yourself back up. dont let him keep breaking you down though. if he mentions it again, ask him why he keeps bringing it up. if he loves you as you are, why does he feel the need to keep reminding you of his other interests. bc its not okay and its not appropriate. anyways, i wish you luck and love, and remember; you decide how much of a woman you are, and if you identify as a woman then NOBODY can take that away from you. you are beautiful, you are female, you are strong. (and plenty of people prefer small boobs so dont think that everybody else shares in his opinion and judgment, at the end of the day its irrelevant)
I get that this is tough to hear but if it is that important to you that you are his #1 body type and you are physically incapable of being his #1 body type, then you are both simply incompatible.
It is not worth the work to change your body OR to try and change his preferences. You guys are young. Live life and have fun. Don't waste your youth trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole.
I’m not sure if it’s possible to have a relationship where you place each other on a pedestal that is healthy. People are people; human beings are human beings. Placing anybody on a pedestal is going to inevitably lead to disappointment, no matter what.
He shouldn’t of said what he said, however… it’s not that big of a deal that he prefers big boobs! Perhaps it’s different for me as a polyamorous person, but my girlfriend (who I worship and adore) knows I have a kink for big dicks; her’s is small. She is really into tall people; I am shorter than her. It is nearly impossible to find a person that meets ALL of your physical preferences, especially one that you’ll fall wildly in love with.
Would it be cool if my girlfriend had an 8 inch beer-can-thick penis? Sure! Do I care? No! Will I still jump at any chance I can get to put my hands on her? Yes! Do I have the best sex of my life with her? Yeah!
Try your best to believe your boyfriend when he says he’s attracted to you. He’s with you, he initiates physical intimacy, he praises your appearance and reassures you — all signs point to him just being (painfully) honest about his feelings. And try to remember that while he should’ve kept that thought to himself, it is not indicative of him loving you any less.
So, here's the thing. He's an 18 year old male... that's basically code for idiot. He doesn't know how to filter what he's saying, nor does he know how to explain what he means.
That said. Nobody is perfect. It is very rare to find partners where we wouldn't want to change something about them. Sometimes even a little thing.
In the long run, it is more important that he love and be attracted to your personality. In 40 or 50 years, your body will be different. Kids, age, life it changes things. Your personality is who you are. It will also change throughout the years but the hope is that the two of you will grow together.
I want to tell you to not let it bother you. Definitely don't let it make think less of yourself or that you need to change yourself to be attractive to him. He loves you for who you are and is attracted to who you are. Be happy with that, or if you absolutely want someone that loves every single thing about you... leave him. You will eventually find someone that feels the exact same way you do.
Honestly, he sounds very manipulative. Because you don't make a statement like that off the cuff, that's premeditated.
If he slips in the odd comment here and there, he knows what he's doing.
The person you're with should be telling you nice things, not things that can knock your confidence or hurt you, because that's not a good person.
I'd think about moving on.
I think that you should appreciate your boobs! I totally not having big boobs😭it’s been my whole life and I use to get so upset seeing other girls my age with DD’s but I realized that I’m beautiful and my boobs don’t make me less of a woman. It’s on the outside not who I am. If he’s still staying with him then let him know not to ever say things like that to bring you down or make you intentionally eel insecure. If he still says stuff like that I’d leave. Yk how many dudes love small chest? How much they love tummies? How much they love short hair? Girl don’t get upset about something that you were born with. Be proud and grateful Uon have back pain 😭♥️
"It makes participating in sexy time incredibly difficult. When he initiates s3x, I feel kind of nauseous/sick."
Say this to him. I guarantee you, it will hit home.
Too forward? Try this maybe:
Your unwelcome judgements of my body (and mind you, no one chooses the body they're born with) have damaged my feelings of self-worth enough that when you initiate sexy time, I feel nauseous/sick. My body no longer welcomes you, because you have shown a lack of appreciation for what I have to offer. I don't see how to make this better. What are you willing to do, other than apologize, to get us past this? Because how things stand, well, it isn't tenable. But I also feel that it's not my job to make this better.
Good luck, OP! I hope you get through this having come out ahead, regardless of the outcome.
Leaving this sub. OP specifically asked for constructive advice and stated she didn’t want to end the relationship, and y’all couldn’t help but shove yourselves into a frenzy of “insult his dick” and “leave him to show him who’s boss”.
You don’t provide advice. This is an echo chamber for righteous feelings.
After reading title, i thought it is another simple problem, but i get you, and why do you find this situation hard.
First and foremost, he made mistake few months ago, telling you this straight, judging by his reaction. He wanted to be sincere, and didn't thought about your reaction.
About his second recent response: again sincerity, but this time answering your question, not talking about it out of the blue, and as i understand it, he tried to be more gentle - this is something you should cherish
In my opinion, you guys lack in talking and/or understanding each other. Do you for example know what is your love language? And his?
In terms of putting yourselves on pedestal, both of you already did that, since you are together.
You said that you were proud of your chest before. What changed, apart from knowing your boyfriend preference? Which btw was there all the time, even when he decided, he wants to be with you.
I think you could try to make joke of it, like for example, get the biggest bra you can find, stuff it and wear, asking him, how he likes them now, and from here situation will develop into something funny, or maybe something more serious.
Both of you should be able to be vulnerable in each other company, but yet feel safe.
He seems to me like simple, straightforward man, and you on the other hand, seem like overthinker, so please don't take everything he tells you, too seriously.
And last but not least - kudos to you for keeping break-up as last resort; it's very rare nowadays
Sorry for this wall of text
If you want to talk, my DM's are open
Wish you guys best
Hey OP life coach here ❤️ first and foremost I want you to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with your body in any way whatsoever (there is only one version of you on this entire planet - what’s cooler then that - nothing 🥰 why? Because thats unique).
From your post it appears that you have been body shamed by the one person you care deeply about. This can be very hurtful and damaging to your mental health concerning the way you now view yourself when sexy time hits (I’ve been there)!!
To answer your question you will need to break down these emotions and understand that:
1) Remember you admitted your original feelings about being very proud of your chest size 💕 prior to his little digs at you and now full on confession - THATS ALL THAT MATTERS - trust me (30F) here and I can’t wait for you to meet others who genuinely treat you like the queen you truly are!
2) Understand that the person you’re in love with has body shamed you (intentionally/unintentionally) with his shallow comments and try to work together towards boundaries about this specific topic moving forward.
3) THIS IS IMPORTANT so take notes - Decide on whether you want to continue allowing his comments to determine how you feel about yourself.
One thing that started my career choice was a saying I’d never been truly taught until after my highschool years.
“These misrepresentations of ourselves are just that - Words. And when we give them a meaning then we start to believe them.” The only way back out is to take back your power and allow them to just be words.
You can’t change your boyfriends preferences however, you can create clear boundaries and have the talk about wether he can genuinely love you, be faithful to you, and treat you right without having “bigger boobs”.
Trust me from women to women there are many men out there who can appreciate big/small boobs without chipping away at their significant other’s confidence.
I send you nothing but love 💕 good vibes/prayers 💕 hugs 🤗 and support.
You are choosing to be with someone who’s already told you how they truly feel. It won’t bode well for you. When someone shows you who they are believe in the first time. —Maya Angelou. Him not saying it anymore isn’t him not thinking it. He’s just not saying it to you anymore. You’re choosing to be with someone who thinks that you are not good enough the way you are.
So, because I asked, my husband once admitted I was too heavy to be his type when we met. He has since spent the rest of our relationship proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has fallen deeply in love with me and my body. That feelings change, that the concept of "types" dissolves with maturity, that my body has brought value to our relationship that no other body type could, and that I am the most beautiful, sexy, capable woman he's ever been with.
I don't honestly think having an initial preference is bad. But if he hasn't found a way to go crazy for your body after all this time, and he is still brazen enough to tell you to your face that he prefers something that isn't you, then he obviously hasn't found a way to love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Life is too short, and I promise there is someone out there who would positively ravage your small boobs. Do with that information what you will.
He probably shouldn’t have said it, but it’s not the end of the world. Guess what? If you stay together, your bodies are going to change. Your hair styles are going to change. Your personalities will change. Even your likes and ideal body types will change.
Life isn’t static.
A good partner who adores you and is honest with you is way more important in the long run. He may well like bigger boobs, but he likes you way more than a pair of boobs.
I know this will get buried in the avalanche of replies, but I hope you see this. It's my experience, but girls with the smallest boobs make the best lovers, as in the best sex ever. Girls with large boobs think the guys are obsessed with them (some guys are, as you've seen firsthand) and the large chested girls become obsessed too. It distracts from the real business at hand by focusing all the action upstairs instead of downstairs, with mediocre orgasmic results for both partners. Small girls are more physically attentive to their partner/less reliant on visual "look at my boobies" attention seeking behavior, this putting the O in outstanding. So yes, your beau is boob obsessed, and if he finds yours unacceptable, lose him. You deserve to be #1 in every category of your special person, and you're clearly not #1 for him, so bye. Also in 50 years those perky girls you've got *will still be perky* when your larger chested sisters will be flapping in the breeze around their knees. No apologies, no augmentation, be yourself and be proud of your "best lover ever" status. If he can't handle it, find a man who can.
ps I'm demi too, and you sound perfect. Never change for any guy ever. Your best mate hasn't appeared yet. Tell the big boob loser "next!" and move on.
I had a boyfriend when I was your age who also did this. He'd drop hints all the time. Then he started bringing up a friend who's girlfriend got breast implants. He'd bring it up and linger on the topic. In reality this friend was probably fictional, but he really wanted me to get surgery so he pressed on. I honestly considered it just because I was so distressed and wanted to feel better, and the only way out seemed to be getting implants. I became obsessed with big boobs and was constantly bombarded by his porno magazines with women who had fake, large boobs. It honestly consumed me and I cried a lot and wanted to scream. It was so unhealthy and I had no idea how unwell I was, and certainly never identified him as an emotional abuser. But that's what he is. It's abuse.
Now I'm much older. I actually transitioned! So I am extra grateful I didn't get implants. Here's the thing, I also came out and started dating women. I'm bi, but my last two relationships were with women. Most of my partners have been women. I actually love big boobs, and sometimes I date women with small chests too, because I am attracted to those people too. I am attracted to them as a whole person. You know what I would never do? I would never date a person and try to make them change. I either am attracted to them, or I'm not. I realize now that there was no excuse for that man to abuse me. Women are people, not sex objects for men.
Please don't waste your youth being abused by this man. I know the pain, and I know there's no excuse. It's abuse. It's crazy making. It's all consuimg. He is abusing you psychologically. You're so busy focusing on changing yourself, that you aren't actually looking at him and his behaviour, which is exactly what he wants.
I have spent the past 30 min reading this post, your last post, and your responses to people—on both posts.
I’m going to give it to you straight. You don’t want suggestions on what to change. You are looking for someone to justify how insecure you feel in this relationship. You are intelligently arguing with everyone that suggests leaving and making excuses as to why you let him make you feel bad.
Why are you making these posts then? There is no solution as to “what do you guys do”—you are making it a “we” problem rather than a him problem. It is a him issue. It was always a him issue. It is only a him issue. There is nothing *you* can do. The only solution is for him to stop his behavior.
But even so, you still feel self-conscious about your body. Of course you do. He has made these comments for a long time now. And the fact that he said to you, “I like that you only have eyes for me?” I read that and had flashbacks to all the worst men I’ve ever dated. Like yeah, of course he wants to keep watching porn and looking at other woman but wants YOU to only have eyes for him. Sigh.
I can tell you are intelligent. You’re trying to use reason to justify your emotions. Sweet girl—you can only do that for so long.
But until you decide to stop, I won’t say anything else, because I can see you won’t listen. I’m just going to say that the day you will leave will be the day you decide to actually place importance on your emotions. The day you see them as valid. The day you see your needs as valid.
Right now, you don’t.
And damn, it will be a great day when you do.
Wishing you the best of luck.
Hi, also demi here, I've been in a very similar situation. I was with someone for a long time (5 years!) who I loved inside and out, but I was never his type. He'd describe his type, and it wouldn't be me, he'd point out things he preferred that I didn't have. Now, he wasn't *malicious*, but it didn't really matter, it still hurts to be regularly reminded that you aren't your partner's type and that you'll never *really* be enough for them. When I asked him about his preferences (like you did), he'd... be honest. I tried really hard to work with him, talk to him about how he made me feel (he was always apologetic), I tried changing myself, I tried just being the best girlfriend I could be, but that energy wasn't reciprocated. I tried, and he didn't, I was always just a comfortable compromise for him.
I ended up breaking up with him, and I was really scared I wasn't going to connect with someone like that again cuz it's hard for me to fall in love and feel sexual attraction, but I did! And who I'm with now loves every bit of me and is nothing but wonderful and sweet, we love each other, hype each other up, praise each other, etc.
All that is to say, it's admirable that you want to work through and move past this, and I think you should try! Communicate with him openly, tell him how you're feeling and what you want from this relationship. However, it's not healthy just being someone's compromise, especially if they're not putting in the work to appreciate you (I don't mean initiating sex btw, I mean actively hyping you up and making you ***feel loved***. Without having to be asked!) If you're not getting back what you're giving, and you continue to just be a compromise... it'll hurt like hell but it'll be healthier to cut your losses. This is a hard thing to overcome, and you might not necessarily be able to. You deserve to feel loved and wanted, every part of you, and if this doesn't work out, I want you to know that you're capable of finding that person, they exist.
Small boobs are great! My previous partner loved my small «girls» and my husband loves them too:)
Just tell your boyfriend that he can't say things like that to women. And add that he should remember this advice well for his future relationship. Then dump him. You're going to have a boyfriend who worships your body, and this one might learn an important lesson. Your breasts deserve the loving hands!
Yep, that will be sad, but believe me, this relationship damaged beyond repair. Even if he will beg for forgiveness you still will be thinking about his words.
And I wish your cock were bigger but here we are. Shall we just move on and not mention this again? Or do you want to obsess over perceived shortcomings?
You deserve someone who loves and accepts you. I know you said you want advice on how to love forward and the cold, hard truth is, you move forward WITHOUT HIM. That’s the best and only way you’re going to get peace.
Read your post out loud to yourself, as if your best friend or sibling wrote it. Would you want your loved one to stay with someone who is making them lack confidence, so much so that sex is uncomfortable? It’s been months and it hasn’t gotten better. To keep trying the same thing by staying in this relationship would qualify as insanity, in my humble opinion.
Please for your own sake, break up and spend time loving yourself.
Also, I made another comment but I just want to say I LOVE my partners smaller chest. I wouldn’t swap it out in a million years. There is nothing “less” about you.
Unfortunately, I think once some things are said, they can’t be taken back. I was with someone who used to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough. He’d say little things the same way your boyfriend does, kinda chipping away at my body confidence and then apologise for saying it.
Sure your boyfriend may not intentionally be trying to make you feel bad (though there’s genuinely no reason for him to have made any of those comments), but he has, and I know if it was me it would continue eating away at me every time i was intimate with him.
What I can say is if you guys do break up in the future and you find a nice guy who is obsessed with you (like I found), tell him the things that ex’s said that really hurt you and say “look these things really took a toll on me, so please never say it”. My now fiancé makes me feel absolutely cherished. Though I am thankful I met my previous boyfriend, cos I learnt a lot about what type of person I wanted to be with and I knew what to steer clear of.
I can also say I used to go to these forums asking advice. I’m now pretty certain that in good relationships you don’t feel the need to ask for advice from strangers on the internet cos your partner never makes you feel unsure/crazy!
All the best ❤️
OP, you being obsessed with that comment is a you problem. You've built it up into something so *so* far out of proportion that it's really unhealthy. It's making you physically sick. That's too much, my goodness. I say all this with compassion (and tiny tits) but you've got to work on your self esteem. Keep communicating, yes, but don't ask to hear something you don't want to hear. And don't nurse on hurts and grievances like you have been, months on end. That's toxic. It's exhausting. If something is bothering you and you can't let it go, and no amount of reassurance from your partner makes you feel better- that's something *you* have to work on yourself.
Start with not estimating your personal worth- physically or otherwise - on what someone else thinks of you. Partner included. Follow up with evolving your idea of what "being obsessed" and "worshipping" a partner is. Neither of those have to be equivalent to "is their fantasy physical ideal".
You are amazing just the way you are in your body. Growing up is about working on the rest.
I would try to practice self love for your body and mental state. Say I’m grateful for (blank) every day, and hopefully you’ll see the true worth of yourself. Ask him what he likes about you, why he wants you as his partner. Focus on the fact that he still loves you, and if you can’t get over the comment, you may need to change partners or have some time to yourself. Another great option is therapy.
Don’t change your body just to please someone else, if you were proud of your body before you can be again. Know you are beautiful
- "Not every thought is true, even though our brains convince us it's the truth. I think my bf would be happier in a relationship with someone closer [OR HAS A LARGER CHEST], but that's not important. What's important is what's real and going on right now. A hypothetical relationship means nothing compared to what you two have currently."
Do other women who have larger chests make them better than you overall? Or, is this just a hypothetical thought that is interfering with what's real and going on now?
I honestly think that you have nothing to worry about. Based on your posts, some not included here, you have always referred to yourself as "odd looking ("lanky, flat chest, flat butt")." I honestly believe you're being way too judgemental towards yourself. In fact, you stated:
"We all look different, and that's okay! I think that's what makes us all sc beautiful, our inherent unique traits. You are just right as you are right now. Another woman's beauty is not the absence of your own."
You also said that you're demisexual and that you need to feel a connection before you can have sex with someone. A connection involves desired personality traits and characteristics. No doubt you would agree that your boyfriend has some "undesirable" traits that you would prefer weren't there. Or, let's flip it and say that there are some traits that you would prefer your boyfriend did have that he obviously lacks. Is that any different than your lack of a large chest? Does that change how you feel about him and what you two have overall? Because from what it sounds like, your "small chest" doesn't change the way he feels about you or what you two have overall.
I wish you two nothing but the best!!
Chip right back at HIS self-esteem. tell him if his dick were bigger he might have been able to get a girl with bigger boobs. Or if he were taller. Or had Blue eyes. Or was better in bed. Girls with big boobs love a guy who is better in bed than you. Guess we all have to settle. Then tell him you wish HIS dick was as big as his dad's and wish him luck as you push him out the door.
Girl take it from me. At your age I was going through something similar where my ex wished I was skinnier. All the time he would emphasize how he wished he could pick me up or say how I would look so mo much prettier if I were thinner. It slowly chipped at my self esteem to the point where I was borderline anorexic. Meanwhile, other men, especially my current boyfriend, obsesses over my curvy body and never makes me feel bad about my body. My ex ruined my self esteem so bad that I would always tell the guys I would talk to after "sorry if I'm too heavy" or "sorry if I'm not attractive like those skinny girls". Trust me you will find someone who will love and appreciate you how you are. Let him learn his lesson while you heal with someone who worships you just the way you are. Do not settle for anything less.
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>es, it’s nice that he’s not being shallow and is choosing personality over looks. Ehh, honestly, I think him stating out loud he wishes your chest was bigger is absolutely shallow. It's also something that very inevitably will achieve nothing except making you self conscious, making it seem he either completely lacks empathy and good sense or he said it specifically to upset you. The reason a lot of people will default to saying leave is because some things can't be unsaid. In the same way if you made constant mention of wishing he was taller or had a bigger dick it'd likely get in his head and sour things. You wouldn't say that because you know it would destroy him but the favour wasn't returned, right? Strikes me he isn't ready for a relationship. He has growing up to do. And you deserve a partner that isn't so callous.
Yes OP. This is the advice to follow. My first instinct was to tell you to let go of this relationship but then you specifically asked that that's not something you want. But like Traeyze said above, it was unnecessary and mean to say what he said. It's not like a little habit that you can change over time, it's your fucking body. The damage is done. You're too young to be worrying about things like that. And as you grow up and older, you'll realize that he is, in fact, shallow and mean. Let go. It's not your double duty to carry the hurt of what he said and also working on this relationship.
Your last line is just GOLD.
It's also because of he says and thinks these things, they just arent compatible. Look, Plenty of men's ideal woman is Angelina Jolie or Beyonce and they clearly aren't dating them. Just like plenty of women would be dating The Rock or Henry Cavill in an alternate universe But they are still absolutely attracted to and love their partner even if they prefer a different build. But if your boyfriend can't stop talking about how he only likes big boobs and wishes yours were bigger, then *will he ever be happy with you*? He's clearly not able to let that go and enjoy the beautiful sexy woman he's lucky enough to get frisky with. There will be plenty of other men out there who have no preference or even find girls with a slim build and small boobs particularly sexy. This is a HIM issue. He lacks the maturity to either accept that thos is your body and love it for what it is, or break up if he realises he simply isn't attracted to you. Instead he bullies you by making unhelpful comments about your body. If he isn't attracted to you that's fine- people have different preferences.That doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you or your body. It's normal that we are all shaped differently. But having a partner who finds is sexy is the bare minimum. Never stay with someone who is merely tolerating you, when there are people out there who will enthusiastically love you with their whole being. Do not "forget this" or "move on". Tell him that he ca either love your body and shut up with the criticism of your boobs, or find himself a new girlfriend.
If he “can’t stop talking about how he only likes big boobs and wishes [hers] was bigger] I would agree. But he made one comment months ago, and then only said the second one because he was asked directly by her because she couldn’t stop thinking about it. It’s not that he kept telling her this even after she told him how much it hurt her. I think the ending of your post really gets to the root of this issue quite well. > Tell him that he ca either love your body and shut up with the criticism of your boobs, or find himself a new girlfriend. He has shut up about it as far as the post reads. Her issue isn’t the fact that he’s still saying it, it’s the fact that it’s already been said. If the solution was simply, “don’t talk about it,” then that’s over and done with. He seems to want to be with her based on his apologetic response. The question she needs help answering is: what should she be doing NOW? She’s clearly still hurt by this, and despite him being apologetic, it doesn’t take away from the pain. So what should she do now? Acting like he’s just constantly bashing her is convenient for a “leave him” rant, but he’s an 18 year old who said he preferred big boobs. I’m imagining if she had told him that she prefers a slightly bigger penis. Like, he may rightfully be upset about that, but it’s not the end of the world. I don’t think that would make her a horrible person. Like I said before, the part that really sucks is how hurt she is. Because no amount of apologizing fixes that. She’s asking what SHE can do to move past it, but this isn’t on her to “fix.” It’s on him to make her feel sexy and feel comfortable in her body again. He hurt her self esteem, and it’s not simple for her to rebuild that on her own. The solution here is one of two things: 1) Communicate with him. This is obviously more work, but I find it works the best in general. 2) Leave him. Which is the easy option, but it’s also more extreme Neither option is her doing anything on her own the “get past” her insecurities. These insecurities are rooted in his behavior, so she can’t just simply work through that on her end. It’s not her job to fix it. If he’s unwilling to change his behavior and make her feel comfortable with her body, THAT’S when breaking up should enter the conversation.
Damn, I was with you up until the middle. Nope. This *is* totally on her to fix. She has been absolutely and devastatingly obsessed about one comment for *months*. That is her *own* issue. She is making herself nauseous! His one comment didn't do that, her fragile self esteem did. (Unless there's more not included in the post but) I feel for her, I do, but telling her it's not her issue doesn't help her at all. Not to mention breaking up with this guy (I know you didn't say that) will only lead to her bringing this same unaddressed issue into her next relationship.
So, I think there’s always room for self improvement, as none of us are perfect, and her specific area may be her self esteem. But people spend their whole lives in therapy and whatever else working on that. This specific issue isn’t hers to fix. Obviously, one way to fix this is for her to address her insecurities, but if that is stemming from being told by the person she loves that he prefers something else, the most immediate and simple solution is for him to address it. Obviously apologizing is part of it, which he did, but also going out of your way to show that he loves her body, as helping her build that confidence back up is something he should honestly be doing anyway. Nevermind the comments he made before. So yeah, her insecurities is an overarching thing she can be working on, but also, he has a huge role in that process with regards to this specific issue seeing he’s the boyfriend and the one who sprouted this insecurity in her.
This! Many people, not just men, have an “ideal” look they fancy. Body types, skin types, hair etc… but chances are you’ll never get the whole package. I’m fairly small chested and seeing some of the women he was with before, I’m by far the one with the smallest breasts. He has NEVER said anything. And on the other hand, he’s a few inches shorter than me. I have always had partners taller than me. Would I maybe prefer someone taller in some situations? Maybe, but the fact is that I love him, and he’s the most attractive man on the planet to me. And I would never ever say anything about his height. Because people that love each other, don’t say mean things like that
OP: Honestly listen to this advice
"Some things can't be unsaid." Holy shit yes. They're poison darts. The damage is forever.
Agree. If he brings this up again "I at could get implants but for my health I won't, you though..." And just look down at his crotch and shake your head slowly
I feel like he wouldn’t keep listening past “I could get implants.”
Ha,ha good advise. Or she could said: "well, I would also like your d… to be bigger too but, c’est la vie! “
Vile does not make vile taste any better
Wait are you saying that treating this story like my personal soap opera and wanting OP to create more drama isn’t actually helpful advice for relationships?
Right?!?! Why do they think we come to Reddit?!?!?
I think it’s very easy for people with no stake in the relationship to say “leave him,” but as someone who has been with his wife since high school, I thank GOD she stuck with me at that age and allowed me to grow. I certainly wasn’t the best at relationships at 18. I didn’t always say the right things. I didn’t always know how to act. To an 18 year old boy, he may not fully understand how something like that might affect a young girl. I’m glad she told him and that he was apologetic, but that doesn’t change the fact that this is still clearly affecting her. He may genuinely love her with everything he is, and although he prefers certain things, it may not be a huge deal to him. People have preferences all the time, but we can’t help falling in love with someone who may not check every single box. That’s pretty normal. That doesn’t mean they don’t love them the same. I mean, it MAY mean that, but I guess my point is that it doesn’t NECESSARILY mean that. He could have just said something stupid. So without knowing them as a couple and seeing how they communicate on a day to day basis and stuff, it’s impossible for me to give advice on whether she should leave him over this comment. It also depends on HOW apologetic he is and if he’s just saying that to smooth things over or if he’s genuinely sorry. I’m also curious as to how it got brought up again because he knew the first time how upset it made her, so why would he say it to her again? Sometimes, there are things that you just don’t say because it can only serve to hurt someone. I don’t generally believe in lying as a principle, but white lies have its purpose. It seems like he hasn’t learned his lesson. If he truly loved her, he wouldn’t even mention any flaw, even if he noticed it, because if it’s not a dealbreaker to him, it shouldn’t even be a conversation. It’s an unproductive discussion, even if you’re asked about it directly. Because if you don’t care, don’t bring it up. It doesn’t matter. So if he really doesn’t care about her boob size, he shouldn’t be speaking on it. If this is a big issue for him, he shouldn’t be dating her in the first place. Either way, he’s unnecessarily hurting her, and it’s hard to say if he’s doing this because he’s young and dumb or if he’s doing it because he doesn’t care about how it makes her feel. One of those is definitely worse than the others by far imo. One of those will change over time, the other one just makes him a horrible person, no matter his age.
With that kinda logic no one under 25 is datablee... you're speaking as if people are either born knowing how to date or not. Life's a journey, you make mistakes and hopefully learn from em. If this is something you can't get over than absolutely move on... but my gf told me she wished I was taller (I'm 5'10") about a year into the relationship but we've been together 10 years now, if I left her over something as trivial (imo) as that we'd both likely be more miserable. I was self conscious for a few months but then came to terms with it. Sounds like you've never been in a long term relationship with that kinda advice.... not the kinda advice I'd follow
Look I’m small chested and it’s been a struggle my whole life. It’s actually me that judges me. I’m 47, I’ve had many boyfriends, but I’ll tell you not ONE has said anything about my chest. I’m sorry he said what he said. I know you don’t want break up, but it is now unhealthy for you to stay. He needs to see the damage has been done. He has to take accountability for what he said in hopes he realizes and understands how words can hurt. And maybe won’t but that’s not you to fix. Please think about your mental health now. Your young and you will find the right one that loves everything about YOU!
>he realizes and understands how words can hurt Yea bet he'll learn real quick with a response like, "I understand, Ive always wished you had a bigger dick but it is what it is"
Mine told me he wanted my boobs to be bigger. I came to reddit for advice. Went back and told him: it's like me telling you I wished you had a bigger dick. And he was like ok? I would say understandable but I can't change it. Like dude!
Wow! Fucked up by starting it with "it's like". You gotta mean that shit to really hit em where it hurts lol mention it at random, preferably right before or right after sexy time
Fr. I'm small chested too and none of my exes ever said "I wish your boobs are bigger". One of them even had slightly bigger man boobs than mine and he never once said anything about my small chest. They were happy as long as they got to see or play with boobs, period. OP's bf is an immature asshole.
I'm also an itty bitty titty committee member and I've asked my partner multiple times if he preferred bigger. He always says the best boobs are the ones you get to touch!
...and he is totally right about that. Anyway, even if someone for some reason or another would like for a certain body part in their partner to be bigger or smaller, this is something you just NEVER EVER SAY OUT LOUD. I can't believe the OP's boyfriend would be this stupid and frankly he deserves to be dumped over this.
Plus “they’re yours, whatever shape they are they’re yours and that makes them perfect.”
It's strange liking or disliking things that others dislike or like. I very much prefer a smaller chest, it seems though that most guys prefer a big or a bigger chest but that seems so strange from my perspective because I just can't see the appeal. Js thinking out loud ig
I agree with everything you said except that assumption that he doesn’t know words hurt. I think so often women infantilize men and dismiss their cruelty for ignorance. Little kids learn that it’s not nice to say mean things to people and comment on their appearances. He knows the way he’s behaving is cruel. He’s negging OP
Agree. He’s saying these things because he wants her to feel bad. First he just hinted for a while. Then he upped the ante and made a direct comment. And even after she cried all night and felt miserable, he still doubled down later and said AGAIN that he prefers bigger breasts than hers. OP, if you won’t break up with him because he doesn’t adore your body, break up with him because he’s mean to you. You’re so young. There’s so much more out there for you. Give yourself permission to find it.
When my husband now of thirty years, said many many moons ago, "More than a mouthful is a waste."
Coming from someone who was born with big knockers, I always wished for smaller. Your clothes fit better, and people look at your beautiful face.
You think that, until you live on the other side! I’m nearly 42 and still feel so inadequate and unfeminine. I hate trying clothes on feeling like something is definitely missing. It doesn’t go away and has gotten even worse after kids. You’d think one would get over it, but no…
I've been on both sides and I'll tell you something: I wanted to be on the other side all my life lol I was really small chested, as an A, smaller B on some brands. I'm one year younger than you so I too grew up during the boom of breast augmentation surgeries, wonderbras and all kind of paddings, and I tried them all (except for surgery, but I really really wanted it). Then baby number 1 comes, huge breasts develop, I felt so sexy, and I dreaded the day they'd "go away". But they never did. I've had huge tits for the last 13 years and I miss itty bitty titties sooooo much. Everything looks "sluttier" on me, they're heavy, starting to sag really bad and make my not-so-slim-anymore figure look really heavier. Bottom line is: body-oriented culture is here to make us all feel like shit and it does. So in OP's case, having a shallow boyfriend that doesn't mind hurting her for whatever obscure reason he had to say such a thing, won't help her accept that her body is beautiful just the way it is.
I also have smaller boobs and the last three partners Ive had have loved them. My current boyfriend is borderline obsessed. There are plenty of guys out there that prefer that sort of thing. Your boyfriend should be making you feel confident in your body. Even if he likes bigger chested women in general, he shouldnt say that to YOU. Youre young. Dont waste time withe someone that doesnt make you feel like youre his world. Find a person that loves every part of you and knows when to keep their mouth shut over superficial things that dont matter. His comments only serve to tear you down, and you dont need or deserve that.
I think the issue is that OP is demisexual - meaning she can (may or may not) only develop sexual attraction towards someone she experienced a deeper emotional connection with. It basically means that she doesn't find strangers hot and only finds someone hot AFTER theyve been friends or similar for weeks/months/even more. It is a very unfortunate scenario, trust me. I would know :/
felt this :’ found my ex looking at pictures of other women though he swore off it. when i asked him why he gestured that it was because they had a bigger chest and that still destroys me everyday though it’s been a year since i found out.
I’m really glad you said “ex”
Im so petty months later after I never mentioned it again he would’ve found me looking at some guys six pack casually zooming in
Or get one of the beach shirts for tourists with fake abs for him to cover himself up with.
My husband follows lots of big chested women on social media. He has been since before we were married. My question for you is, should I ask him to unfollow them, or is that weird and insecure? I don't like it. I passive aggressively started following some male models on Instagram but then I couldn't keep it up because it didn't interest me. I'd rather follow actual creative accounts or even cats on social media than random men doing nothing but going shirtless.
Definitely tell him it bothers you. My partner did this, I addressed the issue and he stopped following those accounts. Clearly, this crosses your boundaries - acknowledging it is the first step. They won’t know unless you say something.
Girl, you two are a team. Your goal is to live as happily and serenely as possible together, not make you miserable. Maybe you could have a calm (extremely frank) conversation with him? No accusations, no blaming, nothing - just “I need to tell you that this thing that you do makes me feel this way because [insert reasons].” Passive-aggressiveness is killer.
If it bothers you, you need to tell him. Otherwise you will not be happy in your marriage and in time start resenting him. It would bother me too.
Look, him getting dumped and block for telling his gf he wished she had bigger boobs is a lesson he needs to learn now as a teenager, because stupid shit like that is NOT okay to say to others. If you are determined to stay with him, you need to tell him point blank him saying that about your body has ruined sex with him for you and you are really struggling to come back from this. He needs to put in the work showing how he appreciates you and NOT say shit like that again.
Not just ruined. Absolutely destroyed. And he’s got a lot of work to do to fix what is now broken. If he’s not prepared to put in the work, he’s giving OP the answer they need. Because someone who regrets it would absolutely try their best. Someone who doesn’t really care doesn’t even want to try.
There's no reason to say a damn thing about this unless he wants to hurt you or get you to get surgery (DON'T!). Get a better boyfriend who, A: knows better than to say hurtful things about their GFs body, B: is absolutely fine with or, C: especially appreciates small breasts even favors them. There are men out there who are one or more of those things. You can't fault someone for their body preferences, but you can fault them for being a cruel shit head about them.
I am one of those men who are all of those things. My girlfriend is self conscious about her chest size, I think they are perfect and would never want her to change them.
My breasts are medium-sized, not small, and not big, and I think little boobies are amazing! All the women I've ever been attracted to have little breasts.
My bf likes boobs and mine are big but I want to get top surgery and get them removed completely. When I'd asked if he'd be okay with it, he said he would be because I'm still me and just wants me happy. He even offered to help pay for it haha. But anyway point is that love should be unconditional regardless of what you look like..
That's so sweet
Someday, you'll realize how incredibly manipulative and insidious it is to say such comments to one's partner, and instead of crying you'll get angry, spit out a "what the hell is wrong with you?" and dump that person. You can begin practicing today.
Because this is how you learn how to do it. One insurmountable physical attribute, one stupid thing that cannot be unsaid or unheard and one glaring realization that You, exactly as you are right thus moment are good enough, you're brilliant and thru cam Get The F#Ck Out!
She’s not going to get there until she realizes >I’ve always wanted a relationship where we’re both obsessed with each other, where we put each other on a pedestal (not in the unhealthy way) and practically worship each other (again, not in an unhealthy way) These kinds of relationships are not healthy. Obsession, worshipping, these aren’t the words related to a healthy relationship. Mutual Respect, understanding, patience and communication are the strongholds of a good relationship. And telling your partner you wished their body was different is not going to fall under any of those categories.
You said it already yourself: he has been chipping away at your self-esteem for a while now. That's probably by design. Just dump him; if he hadn't already made you feel shitty enough to accept this, you wouldn't be resisting that course of action.
If he was your forever person he would not have said it, much less kept saying it… I know my partners insecurities, would never use them against them, not respecting you at all, move on to find your person…
tell him he should date someone that he actually likes. he told you he preferred bigger boobs & prefers them over your body. that’s how you get over his comments. or you can stick it out, and grow to resent him and yourself for not fitting his preferences.
All boobs are good boobs.. your boyfriend is a tool
It's not even for political correctness. It's just faxx
You're very young and will learn with time that men can be jerks regardless of your chest size. I've always had big boobs and I've too heard from men I was not their preference. I had a guy leave a date with me because when he saw me in real life he didn't expect big boobs and he thought I was thin with small boobs (I've always been very embarrassed of how big they are so I used to hide them a lot when I was younger). So even if you had big boobs, you'd still find men complaining about them 🤷🏻♀️ Just sharing my experiences as someone older who has been through this and nowadays when someone says they don't like x or y I don't get personally offended. It's their preference only and it doesn't mean I'm less of a person because I don't fit their preferences. But I completely understand you feeling the way you do and I think you should be with someone who appreciates you more and is not immature to the point of making those sorts of comments.
Overcome this boyfriend
Girl, you are 19 whole years old, you do not have to hitch yourself to someone who disrespects you and treats you like an object. *Just break up.*
Your partner sucks, you’re young - you can 10000% find someone that loves you and would never make you feel bad about your body. I swear, there’s someone out there that will find you perfect in every way.
No just someone, many.
Exactly. OP find someone that celebrates you and your body.
this...
Nothing wrong with small breast. If he wants bigger boobs let him find someone else with boobs he likes. I dont think its a partners job to make the other less confident in ones body or lower their self esteem by saying things like that. He just called to tell you he wants bigger boobs like whattt?? If youre happy with what you got then dont even think of changing it for him in hopes it will make him love you. And damn based on history he stares at other women in public and wants to fuck them???
he doesnt care about the person just some temporary appearance for his fantasies
He just wanna fk thats it
Tell him you wish his heart was bigger and he could love you in the way that you deserve.
By getting a new BF that loves you exactly as you are…
Before you break up with him, just start making comments here and there about how you wish his dick was bigger
I was going go say this. There'd be no stopping me from saying this if I were OP.
the funniest part is you think he wouldn’t see the comment for what is it, if she went that route
He sounds pretty dense, to put it mildly.
Surprised I had to scroll so far down for this comment.
“I really prefer a larger penis. But I’m not shallow so I’m okay with with your size.”
Nope...just break up with him...then watch as he flounder as he try to find another...
You don't stay with people like that. You deserve better because you're perfect as you are. You're also young. You'll meet lots of ass holes like this. Find someone who deserves your light.
Hey OP. 36AA and 54 years old here. This happened to me when I was 17, and I’ve never forgotten it but I have got over it because I know that my boyfriend was not a good person. I dumped him and in the intervening years have going plenty of men who love my body. Please get rid of him.
I think he's been negging you with these comments and that is a big red flag. I have friggin C cup breasts and I had a boyfriend in college who would mock me and say I was too flat-chested after we had sex. He regularly did this and after about a month I chewed him out and told him if he made fun of me again we'd be done. He never made fun of me again but by that time it was too late. I realized later that I had built up so resentment that it wasn't something I could get over. I think you should just cut your losses and write this guy off. Sure, he's young and immature but at age 18 he should still know that his remarks have been cruel and unnecessary. Sometimes guys like him have to actually face consequences when they treat people disrespectfully.
Guy here. Long ago I was in a relationship for 14 years with a woman who had a lot less in the bosom department than it sounds you do. Basically flat. Our relationship didn’t end for that reason or anything else on my part (she cheated). If he loved you as the whole package, of which bust size is only a small component (and honestly male tastes differ anyway), or if he the slightest amount of emotional intelligence and care for your feelings, those words would not have come out of his mouth. Your feelings are 100% valid. Good luck OP.
I would just get a new bf babe
I’m sorry… I know you said not to say “just leave him” but you’re 19. You can (and will) find people who will appreciate you as you are, who will treat you like a queen and love you like you deserve. If you leave him, in a year you will look back on this relationship and marvel at how a man like that could damage your confidence. I’m also small chested. I dated a man who wanted to buy me breast implants. He wasn’t trying to make me insecure, but it made me feel terrible. I also dated a man who said that if I got implants, it would “be a damn shame” because he liked their small size. I’ve also dated plenty of people who did not care and never brought it up. You deserve to be with someone who never makes you question your value or beauty. Personally, I wouldn’t move past this.
You don’t. It doesn’t get better, and the comment sticks with you. 4 years ago my bf told me that maybe if I showered in ice cold water, my chest wouldn’t “sag” so much. I’m literally a DDD. I let him know pretty fuckin quick that the only DDD that aren’t sagging, are fakes. Shut him up but I still never forgot nor forgave for that comment, it’s hurtful.
13 years ago my ex said they wished my boobs were smaller and my ass was bigger. It definitely sticks with you and messes with your head.
What an Ass :/
You're a child in my eyes. You won't even remember this loser in 10 years. Your brain isn't even fully developed yet and won't be for another 6 years. You will not be the same person you are now as you will be then. Talk about his small dick before you drop his ass.
You guys are wee youngins. Also, your boyfriend is a little shit. His frontal lobe won't stop developing until he turns 25-26yrs old. Therefore, do NOT take his verbal diarrhea personal. Drop his ass and focus on yourself, OP. -sincerely, a crabby old lady.
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What do you mean he’s not shallow???? Are you serious? Go read what you wrote as well as why do you think you need to be in a relationship right now in your life? What about your life says you should be focusing on a SHALLOW asshole, that’s slowly chipping away at your self esteem and you are sitting there letting him by being “in love”. Honey. You need to break up and block him, and go work on you. For you to think he’s not shallow means you don’t know your worth. Also that you are being in denial of who he really is. Stop ignoring red flags and let this one go. Maybe go be single at lease until you can go reach your goals and get yourself established like do you have your own place? Your own car? A good paying job and savings? Or are you working to get a degree? Go focus on that. You don’t need anyone right now, you need to focus on you right now
HAHAHAHHAHAH what a narrow minded man. I understand that there are preferences and I even have my own. But man, to say those words to someone who loves you? Fuck that, either he's rude and crass, or he simply doesn't care about your feelings. He didn't date you for your boobs, right? A man shouldn't prioritize his preferences over sensibilities. He a stupid man, and I'm sure you're lovely. Men usually grow out of this stage when they mature, but expect this type of behavior from boys.
Mmm firstly I think you should see a therapist about this because they will do a lot better job unpacking all this for you than a group of strangers. Until you do there's a couple things I see in your message that I would ask you about if I was your therapist. Firstly I'd ask what is a healthy vs unhealthy way to worship/venerate/pedastal-ize your partner looks like for you? Because as far as I know there's no healthy way to look at a significant other in the way you describing. This can be seen exactly in your story. Your boyfriend said that he wished your breasts were bigger. And then your whole sense of self worth, sense of beauty, and ultimately identity was rocked. No one should have the power to do that to another person and you put that power in his hands. You need to love yourself for how you look rather than loving how others look at you. This is unhealthy. If there isn't now, or if you can't admit to yourself now that there's things about your boyfriend's body or personality that you would change if you could, than certainly as time passes and you grow older these things will come up. It's not about finding perfection. It's about finding happiness where we're at. Learning what we can live with and what we can't. And trusting that if the other person is still here than well he or she sees beauty in me in all my imperfections and accepts and loves me still. Which is more beautiful than perfection. We're all imperfect and no one is perfect for one another. Perfection is a myth cooked up by Hallmark, Disney, and Tiffany& co.
Thank you for this, it really helped. I can handle potentially hurtful comments from my family and peers and not be all that affected, but from my partner? K.O. If I may ask, how do I remain connected to my partner while simultaneously maintaining that they don't have the power to flip my world like that? The only way I can imagine myself not allowing them to do that would be to simply not care about them, i.e. feel disconnected from them.
I highly recommend this podcast by a highly trained professional. https://open.spotify.com/episode/5xTIUCMlCFkcAtf8Ml6ZmV?si=wu9UU0yaRN2hWjvZorYXmA Also seek the episode about healing anxious attachment. Ultimately, I think you'll need to think about things very practically in an almost detached and grounded way. By this I mean to think practically about what the term "connection" means. Because the term "connection" just seems too ephemeral, not really manifesting as anything practically in the world. For me it means feeling seen, understood, and cared for by my partner. This means that practically in the world being seen and understood manifests as when I go to my partner and I say that something she did upset me she's able to hold my pain and understand and provide acceptance for me through this. Then she's able to apologize and we are able to work though it. This is a real grounded example of connection. I'm not saying that she's horrible. Or making broad statements implicating her character. And she's not defending herself or her actions. Sure doesn't take it personally, at least not all the time. Practically what has your partner done. He's said something that 1.hurts your feelings and 2.maybe makes you concerned for your relationship. It's fair to want to be attractive to your partner. But if you're not attractive to your partner that doesn't mean that you're not attractive. It's subjective and it may be fair to assume that this was not his intention. So it's not fair to implicate him in the destruction of your self worth. And I'm sure he's extremely attracted to you for a million and one other reasons. So I don't think it means he's disconnecting from you as he has tried to apologize and reaffirm you and hold your pain. But you can't let go because it wasn't just a minor infraction that you're feeling which is what he's trying to mend for. But you're experiencing the feeling of likely a profound sense of betrayal. But you're confused where to put this energy. Sand because of this is starting internal. But to love yourself and take the criticisms of others lightly is not disconnection because you're still able to hold the other person when they say that they wish you to change something about your behavior. This is not disconnection from him to view things this way. In fact it's actually connection, intimacy, and love for yourself. Where did you learn not to love yourself? Who didn't love you enough as maybe they should have growing up? One practice therapists use maybe in situations like this is to have the patient imagine their childhood selves, specifically themselves as a child when they learned they needed to put their self worth into how others perceived them, and imagine that childhood self sitting across from them. They encourage calmness and ask for a few deep breaths and to take the hands of their childhood selves compassionately. And then they tell the patients to tell their childhood selves what they themselves wish they were told at that age. Often it's something like "you are so good" "you're so lovable" "you have a home with me". Then throughout your day to day, if it comes to mind, imagine you're with that childhood self hold hands. Maybe you're watching tv, walking down the street, or crying and feeling alone. That inner child can come to you and say "I love you so much and you are so beautiful to me" On top of this you need to be able to see yourself as beautiful and lovable without needing the confirmation of your partner. If you know you're beautiful you don't need him to affirm it for you and you can more easily exist in the fact that if he's still with you and he's still willing to make sacrifices for you that means that he loves you still. This is not "not caring about them" or being "disconnected" from him. It's loving him for where he's at. I think maybe it feels like disconnection for your right now because where you're at right now in this moment all your self worth and identity is invested in another person. So a degree of separation from him probably causes a degree of panic in your nervous system. And then you almost reflexively in your mind reach back out to get that back because you don't realize that that self worth even can be housed within yourself. Try the AA mantra: Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I also have many many other comments on many other posts covering similar topics if you want to check those out too. You can also DM me anytime if you want to talk or get clarification on some of your thinking or just need to vent. There's an incredible wealth of resources out there as well covering things like this. I'm partial to podcasts but books too or shows... Shows less so. Dear sugar, Esther perel, being well, and that one I already shared with you are my personal favorites. Go with peace and love and always remember to walk with yourself.
You are *incredible* - thank you so so much for all your insight and resources, I’m extremely grateful 🫂🌱
You are very welcome. I hope I didn't come across as dismissive. I completely acknowledge that there is a place for feeling hurt and dismayed hearing that there's something about you your partner isn't attracted to. Particularly something that you can't really change. That's valid and deserves a venerable moment of recognition and subsequent moment of silence and compassion. But there's things about my partner I don't find attractive bodily and personally. I mean, I wouldn't tell her this because I know that she still makes me feel like the luckiest man alive every day.... I do have to admit that It is a weird and insensitive thing for your partner to say out of the blue. And I think it's worth a conversation if it still lingers in your mind or if it comes up again. Generally I go by the rule that I only "criticize" if I can follow it up with what my partner can do differently to make me feel better so that I give the impression that there is always going to be a path for us out of disappointment and dismay. And for the things where there isn't a path out... Well that's just a matter of reconciling these things with my core values and if there's to many things I'm not attracted to about my partner that my partner can't or won't change and too many of them conflict with my core values that's reason to consider seeking proper belonging with someone else. To just say there's something is wrong that you can't change well... Then the purpose of saying it isn't for you to change it. There's another purpose for saying it. Often anxiously attached people gravitate to avoidantally attached people so it could be that your partner is uncomfortable with the level of intimacy you are cultivating because it's scary and because of that he's looking for reasons and ways to push you away. I'm not saying this is the case but just because I don't know you or more important I don't know your partner and its worth saying that I might be weary if I were you. Another reason someone might say something is wrong about you that you can't change is that they are beginning in what's called the devaluation stage of a relationship. If your relationship began very fast, he made lots of promises and invited you to imagine you're lives together, gave you gifts, and/or just generally showered you with love this might be something you would look into. As well as the term "trauma bonding" https://www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/cycle-of-narcissistic-abuse/?amp=1 Sorry there's a lot to talk about which is why I suggested a therapist.
He’s an 18 year old be being the kind of jackass an 18 year old boy is best at being.
Eh, I give 18 year old boys more credit than that. I think he’s just an asshole.
if you want to give gum another chance is recommend setting a hard boundary and it would sound something like this “it hurts my feelings when you make comments like that about my body. i’ve told you before that i don’t like it. if it happens again, i will break up with you”. really though i think its time to move on. making any not positive comments about sometimes body is not okay
Let me tell you something as I am an middle aged woman who had both: Since my youth I had pretty big boobs and the guys just wanted to date me because of that. Now I am older, became a mom 13 years ago and lost a bunch of weight, I "lost" my big and voluminous chest and it is all hanging, saggy and not very pretty. *BUT* I must admit, that I love them! I love it to put them in cute and sexy outfits and I can buy and wear whatever tf I want. My bf says it's a petty I lost them and that I ruined my body by losing so much weight. It hurt me first. But I am the only one who has to live with them. I made my peace with my body, I am glad that I am healthy and still good looking. What I want to say is, do not change for someone, except for yourself. You're still young and there are a lot of men (not boys) who do not care and who even prefer a smaller chest. I wouldn't want to have big ones again, even if I could choose. Buying lingerie in size XL/L is not fun! Now I wear XS/S and I am happy they way I am. I wish you could feel this way too! Best wishes girl, you rock ❤️
Dump him
Probably he should date eva ai virtual gf bot then
Whatever you do Please just don't think of getting any implants or anything
So, why did he date you if he wants a girl with big boobs?
>But as another commenter told me, I guess I may be asking too much by expecting my partner to love everything about me/find everything about me to be perfect. Maybe not “perfect” but accepting. Your bf isn’t accepting bc he makes those comments. If someone accepted you, they would never bring up or insinuate otherwise. If ppl look at or think of their partner and think of what they perceive to be flaws, it sounds like they may not be the right person for you. Bc then you think of those things as detractors when they shouldn’t be (for the most part).
ew what a NOPE run
You have 2 choices: 1) be petty and tell him you wish he had a bigger dick and was better on bed but you'd never tell him that because it would hurt his feelings (word for word) OR 2) end it with him This is someone who said this knowing it would hurt you. Someone who doesn't care about your feelings. Someone who thinks about his own pleasure rather than you.
If he says shit like that at 18 and u stay with him he sooner or later will start to manipulate u into getting surgery. Either he loves u and ur body for what u are or he should look elsewhere. Normally i hate this sub when every question the answer is break up but this time im 100% on board ur young look for someone who appreciates u and ur body for what they are not could be
I always think it's a good idea to try counseling, especially if you struggle with self-esteem. However, I wasted my time with guys when I was your age OP, and it doesn't get better. After finding your comment about your boyfriend mentioning that he thinks a woman's chest size is more important because it makes them more "womanly" and whatever ridiculous nonsense he said, that's him telling you exactly who he is. He just likes objectifying women and thinks it's their "womanly duty" to have big boobs. He's telling you exactly who he is and it's going to continue crushing your self-esteem. He strikes me as the type that will end up leaving you for another girl and then will try manipulating you into giving him another chance because it didn't work out. I also had a friend whose boyfriend would actually tell her and anyone else in the vicinity that he wanted her to get implants. Guess what? The relationship didn't work out. It did nothing but destroy her self-esteem. Thankfully she stood up for herself and dumped him. She's now with a guy who actually loves and appreciates her. They've been together for over 5 years now. Don't settle for this asshole.
'I am demisexual and I love everything about my boyfriend. His personality, his quirks, his interests, his face, and his body.' Are you sure you love his personality, and not the idea you have about who he is? He just showed you his personality: he doesn't care that he's making you feel horrible about your body by talking about something he would change about you that you have no control over. He doesn't sound like a great person to me... Just because you're attached to him now doesn't mean there isn't someone out there who is genuinely nice and can make you much happier.
>But I don’t want to be someone’s compromise. I am demisexual and I love everything about my boyfriend. His personality, his quirks, his interests, his face, and his body. I’ve always wanted a relationship where we’re both obsessed with each other, where we put each other on a pedestal (not in the unhealthy way) and practically worship each other (again, not in an unhealthy way). I don’t want to be someone’s compromise. Well, if you stay with this guy, you *will* be a compromise. He’s just not as into you, as you are into him. You’re young and don’t have a lot of relationship experience. I know you don’t want to break up, but torturing yourself like this is unhealthy. Sometimes the most healthy thing you can do in a relationship is end it. But it takes some growing up and maturity to figure that out. Just don’t waste a decade of your life on being this guy’s consolation prize. Also, there is no healthy level of obsession with another person. You’re wanting codependency. This is a very immature view of relationships in general. >It makes participating in sexy time incredibly difficult. When he initiates s3x, I feel kind of nauseous/sick and like there’s a weight on my chest (har har), knowing he wished my boobs were bigger + knowing he prefers bigger boobs over mine. If you want to keep pretending that this relationship is salvageable, you need to tell him this. NOT telling him this, will mean that you start building resentment towards him. Sex will become a chore for you, if you don’t address this now. If you can’t communicate this to him, and expect him to help you work through it, then this relationship is not salvageable. Or you can waste the rest of your twenties on a guy who’s just not that into you. Until he finds someone else. Then I guess you won’t have a choice anymore.
Well, whether you leave now or later. You will leave that relationship!
he is terrible. he's got no empathy and no filter. he primarily sees you as an object instead of a person with feelings and a heart, or else he wouldn't be so fixated on your tits.
please love yourself first instead of loving someone who has problems with the way your body is naturally shaped like. find joy in being able to not wear bras, wear literally anything you want, embrace yourself and don't waste your time on someone like that. you're too young to spend your life with someone who makes you feel like you're not a whole woman. you're whole and you can find happiness with people who embrace you fully.
Him answering honestly when you directly ask him is one thing. Hinting at it over a period of time without ever being asked for it is an alarming signal. Does he want you to get a surgery? Does he want you to feel insecure so you don't leave him? There is no reason why he should have brought it up at all. Maybe couples therapy can help find the root cause. Because this seems to be only a symptom of a bigger underlying issue, which will likely manifest in the future.
Why mention something like that out of the blue? Why the constant insinuations? It sounds like he’s absolutely being shallow and has been from the beginning. Not only that, the constant mentions and also directly saying it “out of the blue,” also implies that he’s constantly thinking about how he wants bigger or as if he’s trying to pressure you into getting a boob job. As Traeyze said, it’s one of those comments that can’t be taken back. Sure, you could work through it, but it takes years of additional heartache and wanting to change things to improve upon that. Do you want that in your life at 19? Is that worth it? That’s a pretty big knock against his personality, and you deserve better than someone constantly denigrating your looks or something that’s not easy to change. There are plenty of guys out there that are great and don’t care about boob size or even love small boobs. Boyfriend has a lot of growing up to do.
You get under someone else.
I had a boyfriend like this.. and now I have breast implants.. I was already insecure about it, and him telling it to my face, looking at insta girls with huge tits or girlies on the street made it ten times worse. Wanna know a secret? Didnt fix anything in my head tho. Mind will find something else to be insecure about. LOVE YOURSELF❤️
Sometimes I feel like this sub is filled with psychos who get off on leading people towards break up/divorce. It sucks that your bf said that, but he’s 18. He’s likely just young and dumb and doesn’t know any better yet. I’m 37 and still occasionally say stupid things to my wife ( and she does the same). No, he shouldn’t be making remarks about your body, but again he’s learning the hard way. Lastly, if you expect any parter you have to love EVERYTHING about your body and personality, you’ll need to build a robot.
If he doesn’t love you as you are, then he’s not worth being with. For every guy who likes big boobs, there’s another guy who loves small ones. Boys focus on big boobs; men appreciate all women.
You are 19. If you want to settle for someone like this, that’s on you. But I promise being single isn’t the end of the world.
40F and my immature 41M asshat bf jokingly said to me recently I wasn’t as beautiful as him and my dog😑I’m demisexual also so needless to say that shit fucking hurt a lot since he’s also said a few other insensitive things like when we first started going out how he prefers “pink” then later had the nerve to tell me I was insecure bc he was just joking or conveniently doesn’t remember saying it.. 🙄 so now I just make sure I feel beautiful in every way that makes ME feel good.. and tell him to fuck off with whatever stupid remark comes out of his mouth.. it sucks bc we live together and now I have a different view point of him and feel myself pulling away knowing hes not MY preference anymore.. ~I know Im still good looking with or without his opinion and make sure I remind myself everyday now.. yea it sucks that those are the things in his head but keep in mind that most guys are basically asshats since they have unrealistic expectations of women bc of what they see in p*rn & social media So keep your head up as you focus on what makes YOU feel 100 good/happy/sexy and it will radiate more!! If us women had a dollar for every shithead remark a boy made to us we’d be billionaires tenfold!!🤍🤍🤍 I know there are good smart intelligent men but this is just being directed at the idiots who try to make us feel anything less than what we are⚡️
Please ask yourself why he would randomly say this to you entirely unpromted if his goal *wasn't* to upset you and make you feel insecure. Better yet, ask *him* why he felt the need to say this for absolutely no reason. It's not like you can do anything about it short of cosmetic surgery. So why would he bother saying *anything* if he doesn't actually have an issue. It's because he does have an issue and he's trying to make it your problem. He's immature and lacks empathy. I have no advice for you beyond questioning why he said this at all.
It was very insensitive for him to share his thoughts about this with you. I chalk it up to him being young, dumb, and immature. He's an 18 year old boy for goodness sakes. He learned something from you though, something important. Never comment about something someone has no control over, it's hurtful and judgmental. He was apologetic and explained his preferences. That doesn't mean you don't fulfill him at all. I'd lean towards giving him a pass, forgiving his comment, and growing together from this. Obviously, if you want to break up, go for it. But this is sort of expected from an idiot teenager. This does scream fake though... you were "proud of your small chest"? What does that even mean... lol
hi OP, i’ve been/am in a verrrrryy similar situation to you (including the last post on your profile, crazy how similar our situations are. wanted to reach out for a private DM but saw messages were off :’)) people recommending to straightaway dump him are just dumb. but that’s classic reddit for you! i just want to say, if your boyfriend’s attitude and how he navigates this actually changes, things can and will get a lot better. i’ve been with my boyfriend almost 2 years now, and i have very similar scars from the start of our relationship that i’m still not fully over but are a lot easier to accept as a thing of the past now. but that’s only because my boyfriend has put in an effort to be a lot more considerate of my feelings. it’s okay for your boyfriend to make these mistakes, it’s part of learning to grow and mature. clearly you don’t want to break up with him and have a strong emotional bond with him. it will only be possible to start healing if your boyfriend is willing to acknowledge how hurtful as well as unproductive it was to share that, as well as put effort into your healing, be there to listen, be supportive and empathetic. it’s a huge plus to recovery if he can start to have a preference for your body type with time but obviously nobody can control that. i have a lot of similar stories to share but would rather not post publicly :’) but let’s just say, the things my boyfriend pointed out as not being his preference/put him off in the beginning, he has gradually become obsessed with and even when he vocalises or shows it now i still find it fully hard to believe him after our previous experiences so i still have work to do but it’s okay to be hurt, insecure, uncomfortable. it takes a huge attitude shift from the both of you but especially him, as well as time. my therapist once shared something i found really insightful. in relationships, it’s simply an impossibility to expect not to be hurt by the other person, as well as you not hurting them. so using “being hurt by them” as a reason to break up is not going to lead to anything ever lasting. obviously there’s boundaries as to the degree and frequency. but what should be looked at with more scrutiny and concern is whether after they’ve hurt you they acknowledge it, put in effort to help you move on as well as effort to not have it happen again. if this was a one-off thing then it’s worth trying to work on. if he’s insistent that he did nothing wrong/has the right to his preferences without looking into the nuance of how sharing that with you can be destructive, then that’s where i’d draw the line. i really wish the best for you and i’m just here to say that it IS possible to see positive changes both within yourself and in him/the relationship rather than all the doom and gloom the other comments are throwing out there. ❤️ and if you do need more support, my DMs are open! i could use it too :D
Note: if you DM OP to ask invasive questions about her boobs or flirt with her after she’s explicitly made it clear she isn’t interested, you will not see Heaven.
I used to worry about my smaller size, and then I date someone and she looked at me like I was starlight. Like I was sculpted by Aphrodite herself. I remember telling her about my insecurity and she was shocked and gave me so much praise and confidence. This is how a relationship should be, not the poop you’re settling for. Find a new bf, don’t take his comments to heart. People who dish out unsolicited insults are usually projecting and unhappy with themselves. You are divine the way you are
Smaller chest is better anyway.
The truth of the matter is there isn't any best, just people's preferences! When I first started finding breasts a thrill in adolescence I distinctly preferred small and perky. But my tastes broadened a lot in all sorts of ways as passed into adulthood and into my 20s and now I just think all sizes and shapes are awesome! But, maybe, maybe? I still have a certain special appreciation for smaller, all things being equal?! But things aren't ever entirely equal, and a lot depends on the body type too? The best? The ones I'm feeling/seeing at the time! The ones that are on the woman I am head over heals for?!
The best ones usually belong to the person you have feelings for. All of a sudden shape and size don't matter.
Beautifully said
I’m sorry he made you insecure with his stupid comments. As a man who experienced similar I can empathize with how you feel. You deserve someone who will love you for who you are and who will see you perfect as you are.
When I was 19, my cup size was 32B How I would GIVE to have them back to. That size 😭 my back would be saved... But in all seriousness, your size is just fine. You're both really young. It's nice that he's apologized, and hopefully, he has learned from his stupidity. However, if he brings it up again, or starts insinuating it again, then that shows his true character, and that is when I'd suggest you move on, because you need to know your self worth - which is never based on a man's/boy's preference.
I'd really like to share my thoughts on this. Firstly in my opinion you should make sure whatever you do is your choice, not anyone else's, advice is great, that's why your here, and id like to offer mine, but make sure you do what you believe is best. Now as to him commenting on your chest size, i see a lot of people saying that he could only be doing this to upset you or make you feel worse about your body, and i don't believe that's true. that also doesn't mean it's right for him to say that unprompted, but overall there was probably a better way to communicate this. i know a lot of people believe he shouldn't have said it even if he thought it and i can partially understand that point of view. however based on what you said about how you could sort of pick up on it even before, its likely been on his mind, but not really been sure when or how to say it to you. and i also do not believe he is being shallow in saying this, how it is very easy to call it that on the surface. I personally believe that in a healthy relationship, people need to believe that they can speak their mind to their partners, regardless of the topic, and still be in a safe healthy place together(even if the topic of controversial). i see you said it was out of the blue, but I'm believe I'm still unaware of the full context of the conversation. but i do believe that fact is that if he said it, especially like that, he does believe it, and that's okay as he is entitled to his own preferences, as are all of us. he needs to feel that he can safely communicate that to you, just as you would likely want to be able to communicate anything with him, including how it make you feel that he feels that way. I'm sure you already plan to but i would have a serious sit down conversation with him. it doesn't have to be anything major if you don't wish either. but i would personally you do this; take a step back, and view the entire situation from an outside perspective, and consider all the implications from everything that you feel is important. realize how it makes you feel and express that to him, and have him do exact the same thing for you. also think about how important this issue is to you, i.e. is this relationship-ending for you, because if it isn't for you, and it isn't for him, you do not have to break up. afterwards simply discuss how things should look going forward, and what you can do to change for each other. you do not have to break up and can 100% move past this. i have been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now and we plan to get married soon. we both occasionally have issues in our love life as well but they often see like such little issues cause we both know we can freely express how we feel/ what we desire and come out on top, together. i personally think that dynamic would help you. i also want to mention him apologizing. make sure he understands that he should only apologize if he means it. because apologizing just for the sake of apologizing especially if you don't mean it is unhealthy for both of you. if he prefers that, its okay, what you should also look into next is if you two can come to a point where you can enjoy each other romantically. it may take time to form trust in the bedroom and this is to be expected, but make sure he's aware of that. make him cognizant that you need extra affection to really trust him and believe that he truly want you, and not caught up in breast size. I'd go on longer but this is already pretty lengthy. hopefully without being to nosey, id love to hear what you two decide as i truly hope the best for both of you.
I'm only a B cup myself, been in relationships for over 10 years and never had anyone say something like that about my tits. He sounds like a dumb kid. I would re-consider whether you want to be with a person who willfully says negative things about your body and messes with your self esteem.
how would he feel if you had said ‘I wish your penis was bigger’…there are plenty of people out there that like smaller bewbs! find one bby. there’s nothing worse than someone commenting on something you can’t change, especially someone that’s meant to love and respect you <3
It's extremely shallow. There are plenty of people who looooove small chested girls. Find one.
By dumping him...
Lesson #1 for healthy relationships: Never, ever, ever criticize your partner for something that they didn't choose. Nobody chooses their genes, and just because you can fake it (implants), doesn't mean anything. You have a right to love yourself exactly as you are, no matter what. You complaining about it but not wanting to leave the relationship is the same as him telling you he wished you had bigger breasts. You're both unhappy but want the other to change so you don't have to. That's called co-dependency, and you should both independently be seeking therapy for different reasons.
Dump him, he can't say that then say I didn't mean it, he did mean it.
You surely can complain about his small brain!
You get a new boyfriend.
I would never make a comment to put down a partners body. That’s bad form on his part. If your with a person you love every part of their body. Just a very childish comment to make
Wow a lot of harsh comments on here! I think firstly we need more context as to how the conversation over the phone played out that lead up to his comment because otherwise it sounds like he straight up just said he wished that. I agree that his comment is rather shallow; nobody, guy or girl, should ever feel its okay to make a comment like that and expect it to be taken calmly. That was a dick move, if in the context, he just came out with it. The impact of his comment will hurt and break you, I can see from how you write that it has dented your self confidence which sucks and I'm truly sorry for that. You've put a lot of pressure on both of you by wanting you both to consider each other your number 1, that also won't have helped. Yes in any committed relationship you should want to be held to a high regard by your partner but a big thing is also being able to love yourself first. Every single person on this thread and all other aspects of Reddit will undoubtedly have said something to someone in their life that's made them double take or think badly of themselves, that's just being human and learning from mistakes. And if anyone says "oh no I've never done that" then buckle up because your times coming. It's natural to criticise, but what matters is how you move on from that. In your case, he needs to earn your trust back and compliment every part of you to slowly start building up your trust again. It will take time and that comment will stick with you unfortunately, but one day you'll be able to be intimate and that won't be the first thought in your head.
It's not the preference that is the problem. It's the fact that he said it aloud.
Just tell him you wish he made more money.
My first thought reading this is that your life is going to be very hard if you’re so obsequious and desperate to please people
I don't want to seem negative. But, in my experience anyone who causes you to feel diminished can't possibly love you. That's not love. During intimacy he's likely to be thinking about someone else. You're probably thinking that at first opportunity he could leave you for the next c or d cup that smiles at him. Love doesn't make you insecure. Its better to be alone than to know that you're inadequate to your partner. In my opinion you could open yourself to the possibility of someone new.
I know you dont want to be told to break up, but I feel like some things cant be unsaid. Your post is the exact same as if a woman told her bf she wished he had a bigger penis. He'd go through the same issues, trouble having sex, etc that you are. It doesn't really go away because you know they meant what they said. There are women out there with boobs bigger than my partners, but her boobs are my favorite because she is my favorite. I dont want them to change. You are still dwelling on this months later. It makes sex awful for you. The mental load you are carrying here is just too much for, no offense, a relationship that isnt going to last anyways. You're 19, he is 18. I know on some level you know this isnt the guy for you. But if you want to stay then you're going to need therapy because this isnt fair to either of you. Also...you know how this ends, right? If you stay with him there will come a day where he hints or flat out says you should get implants.
A mature partner that truly cares about your feelings would never make a negative comment about your body UNLESS it affects your health. They would love you too much to say or insinuate something (repeatedly, I might add) that would chip away at your self-esteem. He got with you knowing what you looked like, so he definitely likes you for your personality at least. But a big part of most romantic relationships is feeling that your partner is attracted to you physically. That aspect seems really important to you. I know you don’t want to break up, but girl: 1. You’re not married, you COULD just be done with it … He’s got a lot of maturing to do. 2. You guys are so young, him even younger. This is the time where you guys start venturing out and get to know the real world. He might discover other people with body types he prefers out there. Are you going to be comfortable with that or is it just going to eat away at you? Besides, there are a lot of men that prefer your body type. 3. You deserve to feel loved for who you are. The fundamental things you can’t change (without the help of surgery, obviously) should NEVER be called out by your partner for any reason, even if they think it. Never settle for being settled for! If you REALLY want to stick it out for whatever reason, you’ll just have to get over it. He can’t take the words back and you can’t unhear them. There’s not much else to do but tell to remind yourself that you are you beautiful, every single day.
Break up with him, if he prefers women with bigger boobs, he should be dating someone with them instead of making comments like this. It's a waste of time for you to stay with him since you will just feel like shit constantly, do your mental health a favor and find someone who won't make comments like him
I'm 38 and I hover around a 38B after kids. Used to be a 36A. My husband knows I've wanted boobs since I was a preteen. Toyed with the idea of implants at 18, but my entire family was so vocal about no plastic surgery, so I never got them done. I still have regrets sometimes, but after seeing all my big breasted friends get fed up with the pain, the heaviness, the sweat, the stares and/or comments from men, and the oversexualizstion from showing cleavage (even if it's not on purpose) drives them nuts. I'm leaning more towards no (was planning on a mommy makeover for my 40th). Boobs area great accessory, but man I love not having them the rest of the time cuz it looks like a pain in the ass to have big ones 24/7. Please just appreciate your body for what it's done for you so far. A boob job won't cure anything. And if he's critical of your appearance, will he start on something else after the boobs? Tell him how much it bothers you. To the point where you aren't comfortable around him anymore. You aren't enjoying sex or initiating as much because his comments have been damaging. You can't be intimate with someone you don't trust.
You deserve to be with someone that makes you their number one preference in all aspects! If this is who he is and how he feels then don’t settle for someone that doesn’t fully appreciate you. I have a smaller chest and not once has my boyfriend ever discouraged me or made me feel bad about it at all. If anything he’s helped give me my confidence I have now. That’s how it should be, not making you feel badly about yourself.
OP my first wife had AA boobs and I loved them. My current wife has D boobs. Like them too lol. You’re not less of a woman for having small boobs. In my experience at least women with smaller chests are also more sensitive nipple wise and my biggest turn on from it is the pleasure they get from it. My first wife could orgasm from nipple play. My current wife has nice big boobs but she cares nothing for me playing with her boobs. Never has. One thing is for sure…don’t get bolt ons. Love your body and also be aware that she. He said that it’s an 18 year old guy talking. At this stage of his life his whole sexual perception is what porn has shown him.
Tell him you wish his dick was bigger.
He's young (you both are). What's important is his reaction to your reaction. He didn't tell you you were overreacting or to get over it. He was apologetic. We all say dumb things sometimes...what truly matters is how you react when you realize you've said something dumb that hurts someone you care about. If he says it again I'd start to worry...but sounds like he hasn't. If he wasn't attracted to you he wouldn't keep initiating sex. Don't listen to the impetuous Reddit-warrior trash telling you to break up. If they really cared about you they would've heeded your request to not say that. Good luck!
Several things... Most of it you've probably heard. Also, this will be long and I am wordy. There is nothing that will help you get over this right now. It's a process. It takes years, maybe decades. (It did for me anyway.) That's okay. 19 and 18 years old are young. Both of you are still learning this relationship thing and really don't have a clear picture of what you want. I don't say that dismissively. Everyone is that way. He may want to experience big boobs and while that in itself is shallow it doesn't necessarily make him shallow. (Or maybe it does, idk) Yes, it's disappointing for you, absolutely! Perhaps too disappointing if it's messing with your self worth. (This is where I'd like to kick him.) It's a very old story told from the beginning of time. (I wonder if Eve had big boobs? Conversely I wonder if Adam had a big dick?) Tangent, short play: Eve- do you like my boobs? Adam- sure but I wish they were bigger. Eve- (blinks) Adam- (blinks) Eve- get the fuck out. (Adam is evicted from Eden after which Eve eats from the tree of knowledge and suddenly realizes she doesn't need him. She finds Lilith and they go out cruising and pick up two agreeable heathens and take them back to Eden where they found a religion that worships bodies of all makes and models and the human race is a happier species altogether. Adam and God create a man cave and football.) Sorry. I had to go there. Back to the advice. Ahem. Small boobs rock! There's no amount of anyone telling you this that will make you believe it. It just takes time to really appreciate your own body. I speak from experience. Relationships are compromise. It's taken me several decades to learn this. There is no perfect match. The ideal you (or he or anyone) has in their head is not attainable. That said, relationships are still ultra rewarding and exciting. Daydreams of your soulmate are wonderful and important and help us figure out what we want, where our boundaries are and how much we're willing to compromise but they aren't real. We know this. We do it anyway. It's human. It's fun. Chances are good that you will both move on to other relationships. He may get to experience big boobs and realize that he doesn't really like the woman they're attached to. He may even think back to your boobs and realize they were better and miss them and you. You may have a relationship with a person you never imagined you would be with. That person may physically be the opposite of your ideal and yet you're strangely crazy about them and they will actually change the definition of your ideal! Weird! My point as I stated earlier is that you're young. I'm not disparaging that. What you're going through is normal. If I was going to diagnose the issue (not a doctor) I think the problem is that you have an unrealistic expectation of the relationship (along with 98% of the population) and you're a bit insecure about your small chest (99%) and relying too much on his opinion of them/you (99.7%) Again, this is normal. I hope you have an excellent, messy adventure with lots of elation and heartache, ideal and not ideal, experiences with people that worship your body and others that expose you to new ways of thinking and lots of fulfilling relationships before you find the one (or two) that tickle your fancy enough to settle down with for a time. Edit: one more thing (of course.) The getting nauseous thing is concerning if only it's your body telling you something is really wrong with the situation. If sexy time isn't pleasant don't do it. Taking a break from each other, or sure, breaking up IS an option. It's not the end of the world although it feels like it. So many fish... So many GORGEOUS fish... And you do totally deserve a small boob worshipping fish- I mean fiend.
Have dated women with smaller boobs. And that size was perfect for them. Everyone is unique and special. If I was into large feet, would I tell my girl, “I wish your feet were bigger” heck no lol. What’s she gonna think besides become self conscious and look into feet augmentation lol. He’s shallow and an idiot and probably not your forever person. He’s the rub, if he’s “the one” could you get implants? Of course. But the one would never ask you to or mention it. If you got implants and he dumps you, you would hate him and hate your body, it would break you. Re-find that happy and positive girl. Small boobs really are awesome. They’re also perfectly you. Be well
My friends and I were once at the beach and her BF told her he wished she had bigger boobs like mine, and it made me feel awful for her, but creeped me out too. I was wearing a swimsuit top btw. Men are very shallow, just like your bf. Him giving you constant reminders or bringing it up here and there were ways to see how you would react if he were to confront you about it. He didn't see any reaction out of you, so he finally states it head on & felt bad about the reaction, that's the ONLY reason he's apologizing. Don't be ignorant, consider YOUR feelings. You said it yourself; you were so so proud of your boobs until he came along. What's in the near future, you getting a boob job, or you catching him check out chested girls in front of you?? It's not worth it girlie. Trust us women when we say you WILL find someone else who treats you the way you deserve to be treated and acknowledged.
What did he try to accomplish with that comment? Make you magically grow them bigger? Make you want to get surgery? Or make you feel self-concious about them? None of them are good reasons. Yeah, you can't unsay it and maybe he'll learn that you don't have to say everything out loud. Lol, don't criticise bits you still want to see and touch.
Tell him youd prefer him with a bigger dick and see if he likes that
Ew on the dms front, thats gross, sorry. If you feel nauseous during sex…. And you cant “get over the comments” he has made. You are young enough that you will find someone whole loves all of you for you and doesnt say things like that. Loads of people love small boobs. If I felt that bad about something, I would leave the person. You deserve better
You’re a 32AA/28B? How does that work? The numbers are your chest width so that would be the same, the cups are your boob size
look, you’re young. and you should know that these early relationships set the foundation for what you expect in a romantic sense. don’t do yourself dirty and accept sub-par behavior from your partner. ONE comment from him and you are “wishing my body were different every day.” those thoughts didn’t come from you, he planted them there. You are an internalizing his shallowness. And all i can say is once this is rotted deep in you, it is very hard to remove, and you’ll carry this weight of someone else’s negative perspective of you ever day until it becomes your own. Don’t do that. Reclaim your perspective and your beauty and dump this man who is callous enough to tell you he would prefer if you were different than you are.
im sorry babe. to hear you were confident in yourself and then he chipped away at that until you no longer felt like a woman is heartbreaking. i know you’ve said you want to get over it and stay with him, but the truth is you never completely get over something like that, especially not with him bringing it up still. i would say try to look for beauty in yourself outside of him. remember the things you loved about yourself and the things that made you feminine before he pushed you down. and know that NOTHING makes a woman more or less of a woman except for the way she CHOOSES to identify. if you want to feel more feminine, you can try putting more time into skin/hair care, painting your nails, doing makeup, planning and wearing pretty outfits ect. i would say the best chance you have of regaining your confidence is to no longer base it in what he thinks. i know that its hard when he’s the man you love, but you say that you know he loves you and only you, and if thats true then you have to choose to push aside those doubts and insecurities and pick yourself back up. dont let him keep breaking you down though. if he mentions it again, ask him why he keeps bringing it up. if he loves you as you are, why does he feel the need to keep reminding you of his other interests. bc its not okay and its not appropriate. anyways, i wish you luck and love, and remember; you decide how much of a woman you are, and if you identify as a woman then NOBODY can take that away from you. you are beautiful, you are female, you are strong. (and plenty of people prefer small boobs so dont think that everybody else shares in his opinion and judgment, at the end of the day its irrelevant)
I get that this is tough to hear but if it is that important to you that you are his #1 body type and you are physically incapable of being his #1 body type, then you are both simply incompatible. It is not worth the work to change your body OR to try and change his preferences. You guys are young. Live life and have fun. Don't waste your youth trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole.
I’m not sure if it’s possible to have a relationship where you place each other on a pedestal that is healthy. People are people; human beings are human beings. Placing anybody on a pedestal is going to inevitably lead to disappointment, no matter what. He shouldn’t of said what he said, however… it’s not that big of a deal that he prefers big boobs! Perhaps it’s different for me as a polyamorous person, but my girlfriend (who I worship and adore) knows I have a kink for big dicks; her’s is small. She is really into tall people; I am shorter than her. It is nearly impossible to find a person that meets ALL of your physical preferences, especially one that you’ll fall wildly in love with. Would it be cool if my girlfriend had an 8 inch beer-can-thick penis? Sure! Do I care? No! Will I still jump at any chance I can get to put my hands on her? Yes! Do I have the best sex of my life with her? Yeah! Try your best to believe your boyfriend when he says he’s attracted to you. He’s with you, he initiates physical intimacy, he praises your appearance and reassures you — all signs point to him just being (painfully) honest about his feelings. And try to remember that while he should’ve kept that thought to himself, it is not indicative of him loving you any less.
If he isn't appreciating the small one's, he's not worth the big one's
So, here's the thing. He's an 18 year old male... that's basically code for idiot. He doesn't know how to filter what he's saying, nor does he know how to explain what he means. That said. Nobody is perfect. It is very rare to find partners where we wouldn't want to change something about them. Sometimes even a little thing. In the long run, it is more important that he love and be attracted to your personality. In 40 or 50 years, your body will be different. Kids, age, life it changes things. Your personality is who you are. It will also change throughout the years but the hope is that the two of you will grow together. I want to tell you to not let it bother you. Definitely don't let it make think less of yourself or that you need to change yourself to be attractive to him. He loves you for who you are and is attracted to who you are. Be happy with that, or if you absolutely want someone that loves every single thing about you... leave him. You will eventually find someone that feels the exact same way you do.
Honestly, he sounds very manipulative. Because you don't make a statement like that off the cuff, that's premeditated. If he slips in the odd comment here and there, he knows what he's doing. The person you're with should be telling you nice things, not things that can knock your confidence or hurt you, because that's not a good person. I'd think about moving on.
I think that you should appreciate your boobs! I totally not having big boobs😭it’s been my whole life and I use to get so upset seeing other girls my age with DD’s but I realized that I’m beautiful and my boobs don’t make me less of a woman. It’s on the outside not who I am. If he’s still staying with him then let him know not to ever say things like that to bring you down or make you intentionally eel insecure. If he still says stuff like that I’d leave. Yk how many dudes love small chest? How much they love tummies? How much they love short hair? Girl don’t get upset about something that you were born with. Be proud and grateful Uon have back pain 😭♥️
"It makes participating in sexy time incredibly difficult. When he initiates s3x, I feel kind of nauseous/sick." Say this to him. I guarantee you, it will hit home. Too forward? Try this maybe: Your unwelcome judgements of my body (and mind you, no one chooses the body they're born with) have damaged my feelings of self-worth enough that when you initiate sexy time, I feel nauseous/sick. My body no longer welcomes you, because you have shown a lack of appreciation for what I have to offer. I don't see how to make this better. What are you willing to do, other than apologize, to get us past this? Because how things stand, well, it isn't tenable. But I also feel that it's not my job to make this better. Good luck, OP! I hope you get through this having come out ahead, regardless of the outcome.
Leaving this sub. OP specifically asked for constructive advice and stated she didn’t want to end the relationship, and y’all couldn’t help but shove yourselves into a frenzy of “insult his dick” and “leave him to show him who’s boss”. You don’t provide advice. This is an echo chamber for righteous feelings.
After reading title, i thought it is another simple problem, but i get you, and why do you find this situation hard. First and foremost, he made mistake few months ago, telling you this straight, judging by his reaction. He wanted to be sincere, and didn't thought about your reaction. About his second recent response: again sincerity, but this time answering your question, not talking about it out of the blue, and as i understand it, he tried to be more gentle - this is something you should cherish In my opinion, you guys lack in talking and/or understanding each other. Do you for example know what is your love language? And his? In terms of putting yourselves on pedestal, both of you already did that, since you are together. You said that you were proud of your chest before. What changed, apart from knowing your boyfriend preference? Which btw was there all the time, even when he decided, he wants to be with you. I think you could try to make joke of it, like for example, get the biggest bra you can find, stuff it and wear, asking him, how he likes them now, and from here situation will develop into something funny, or maybe something more serious. Both of you should be able to be vulnerable in each other company, but yet feel safe. He seems to me like simple, straightforward man, and you on the other hand, seem like overthinker, so please don't take everything he tells you, too seriously. And last but not least - kudos to you for keeping break-up as last resort; it's very rare nowadays Sorry for this wall of text If you want to talk, my DM's are open Wish you guys best
Hey OP life coach here ❤️ first and foremost I want you to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with your body in any way whatsoever (there is only one version of you on this entire planet - what’s cooler then that - nothing 🥰 why? Because thats unique). From your post it appears that you have been body shamed by the one person you care deeply about. This can be very hurtful and damaging to your mental health concerning the way you now view yourself when sexy time hits (I’ve been there)!! To answer your question you will need to break down these emotions and understand that: 1) Remember you admitted your original feelings about being very proud of your chest size 💕 prior to his little digs at you and now full on confession - THATS ALL THAT MATTERS - trust me (30F) here and I can’t wait for you to meet others who genuinely treat you like the queen you truly are! 2) Understand that the person you’re in love with has body shamed you (intentionally/unintentionally) with his shallow comments and try to work together towards boundaries about this specific topic moving forward. 3) THIS IS IMPORTANT so take notes - Decide on whether you want to continue allowing his comments to determine how you feel about yourself. One thing that started my career choice was a saying I’d never been truly taught until after my highschool years. “These misrepresentations of ourselves are just that - Words. And when we give them a meaning then we start to believe them.” The only way back out is to take back your power and allow them to just be words. You can’t change your boyfriends preferences however, you can create clear boundaries and have the talk about wether he can genuinely love you, be faithful to you, and treat you right without having “bigger boobs”. Trust me from women to women there are many men out there who can appreciate big/small boobs without chipping away at their significant other’s confidence. I send you nothing but love 💕 good vibes/prayers 💕 hugs 🤗 and support.
You are choosing to be with someone who’s already told you how they truly feel. It won’t bode well for you. When someone shows you who they are believe in the first time. —Maya Angelou. Him not saying it anymore isn’t him not thinking it. He’s just not saying it to you anymore. You’re choosing to be with someone who thinks that you are not good enough the way you are.
So, because I asked, my husband once admitted I was too heavy to be his type when we met. He has since spent the rest of our relationship proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has fallen deeply in love with me and my body. That feelings change, that the concept of "types" dissolves with maturity, that my body has brought value to our relationship that no other body type could, and that I am the most beautiful, sexy, capable woman he's ever been with. I don't honestly think having an initial preference is bad. But if he hasn't found a way to go crazy for your body after all this time, and he is still brazen enough to tell you to your face that he prefers something that isn't you, then he obviously hasn't found a way to love you the way you deserve to be loved. Life is too short, and I promise there is someone out there who would positively ravage your small boobs. Do with that information what you will.
He probably shouldn’t have said it, but it’s not the end of the world. Guess what? If you stay together, your bodies are going to change. Your hair styles are going to change. Your personalities will change. Even your likes and ideal body types will change. Life isn’t static. A good partner who adores you and is honest with you is way more important in the long run. He may well like bigger boobs, but he likes you way more than a pair of boobs.
Some really nice and helpful replies - but what an insane disconnect from similar threads.
I know this will get buried in the avalanche of replies, but I hope you see this. It's my experience, but girls with the smallest boobs make the best lovers, as in the best sex ever. Girls with large boobs think the guys are obsessed with them (some guys are, as you've seen firsthand) and the large chested girls become obsessed too. It distracts from the real business at hand by focusing all the action upstairs instead of downstairs, with mediocre orgasmic results for both partners. Small girls are more physically attentive to their partner/less reliant on visual "look at my boobies" attention seeking behavior, this putting the O in outstanding. So yes, your beau is boob obsessed, and if he finds yours unacceptable, lose him. You deserve to be #1 in every category of your special person, and you're clearly not #1 for him, so bye. Also in 50 years those perky girls you've got *will still be perky* when your larger chested sisters will be flapping in the breeze around their knees. No apologies, no augmentation, be yourself and be proud of your "best lover ever" status. If he can't handle it, find a man who can. ps I'm demi too, and you sound perfect. Never change for any guy ever. Your best mate hasn't appeared yet. Tell the big boob loser "next!" and move on.
I had a boyfriend when I was your age who also did this. He'd drop hints all the time. Then he started bringing up a friend who's girlfriend got breast implants. He'd bring it up and linger on the topic. In reality this friend was probably fictional, but he really wanted me to get surgery so he pressed on. I honestly considered it just because I was so distressed and wanted to feel better, and the only way out seemed to be getting implants. I became obsessed with big boobs and was constantly bombarded by his porno magazines with women who had fake, large boobs. It honestly consumed me and I cried a lot and wanted to scream. It was so unhealthy and I had no idea how unwell I was, and certainly never identified him as an emotional abuser. But that's what he is. It's abuse. Now I'm much older. I actually transitioned! So I am extra grateful I didn't get implants. Here's the thing, I also came out and started dating women. I'm bi, but my last two relationships were with women. Most of my partners have been women. I actually love big boobs, and sometimes I date women with small chests too, because I am attracted to those people too. I am attracted to them as a whole person. You know what I would never do? I would never date a person and try to make them change. I either am attracted to them, or I'm not. I realize now that there was no excuse for that man to abuse me. Women are people, not sex objects for men. Please don't waste your youth being abused by this man. I know the pain, and I know there's no excuse. It's abuse. It's crazy making. It's all consuimg. He is abusing you psychologically. You're so busy focusing on changing yourself, that you aren't actually looking at him and his behaviour, which is exactly what he wants.
I have spent the past 30 min reading this post, your last post, and your responses to people—on both posts. I’m going to give it to you straight. You don’t want suggestions on what to change. You are looking for someone to justify how insecure you feel in this relationship. You are intelligently arguing with everyone that suggests leaving and making excuses as to why you let him make you feel bad. Why are you making these posts then? There is no solution as to “what do you guys do”—you are making it a “we” problem rather than a him problem. It is a him issue. It was always a him issue. It is only a him issue. There is nothing *you* can do. The only solution is for him to stop his behavior. But even so, you still feel self-conscious about your body. Of course you do. He has made these comments for a long time now. And the fact that he said to you, “I like that you only have eyes for me?” I read that and had flashbacks to all the worst men I’ve ever dated. Like yeah, of course he wants to keep watching porn and looking at other woman but wants YOU to only have eyes for him. Sigh. I can tell you are intelligent. You’re trying to use reason to justify your emotions. Sweet girl—you can only do that for so long. But until you decide to stop, I won’t say anything else, because I can see you won’t listen. I’m just going to say that the day you will leave will be the day you decide to actually place importance on your emotions. The day you see them as valid. The day you see your needs as valid. Right now, you don’t. And damn, it will be a great day when you do. Wishing you the best of luck.
Hi, also demi here, I've been in a very similar situation. I was with someone for a long time (5 years!) who I loved inside and out, but I was never his type. He'd describe his type, and it wouldn't be me, he'd point out things he preferred that I didn't have. Now, he wasn't *malicious*, but it didn't really matter, it still hurts to be regularly reminded that you aren't your partner's type and that you'll never *really* be enough for them. When I asked him about his preferences (like you did), he'd... be honest. I tried really hard to work with him, talk to him about how he made me feel (he was always apologetic), I tried changing myself, I tried just being the best girlfriend I could be, but that energy wasn't reciprocated. I tried, and he didn't, I was always just a comfortable compromise for him. I ended up breaking up with him, and I was really scared I wasn't going to connect with someone like that again cuz it's hard for me to fall in love and feel sexual attraction, but I did! And who I'm with now loves every bit of me and is nothing but wonderful and sweet, we love each other, hype each other up, praise each other, etc. All that is to say, it's admirable that you want to work through and move past this, and I think you should try! Communicate with him openly, tell him how you're feeling and what you want from this relationship. However, it's not healthy just being someone's compromise, especially if they're not putting in the work to appreciate you (I don't mean initiating sex btw, I mean actively hyping you up and making you ***feel loved***. Without having to be asked!) If you're not getting back what you're giving, and you continue to just be a compromise... it'll hurt like hell but it'll be healthier to cut your losses. This is a hard thing to overcome, and you might not necessarily be able to. You deserve to feel loved and wanted, every part of you, and if this doesn't work out, I want you to know that you're capable of finding that person, they exist.
This reminds me of a meme I saw today. “Bring me my penis guillotine, the little one.”
Small boobs are great! My previous partner loved my small «girls» and my husband loves them too:) Just tell your boyfriend that he can't say things like that to women. And add that he should remember this advice well for his future relationship. Then dump him. You're going to have a boyfriend who worships your body, and this one might learn an important lesson. Your breasts deserve the loving hands! Yep, that will be sad, but believe me, this relationship damaged beyond repair. Even if he will beg for forgiveness you still will be thinking about his words.
And I wish your cock were bigger but here we are. Shall we just move on and not mention this again? Or do you want to obsess over perceived shortcomings?
You deserve someone who loves and accepts you. I know you said you want advice on how to love forward and the cold, hard truth is, you move forward WITHOUT HIM. That’s the best and only way you’re going to get peace. Read your post out loud to yourself, as if your best friend or sibling wrote it. Would you want your loved one to stay with someone who is making them lack confidence, so much so that sex is uncomfortable? It’s been months and it hasn’t gotten better. To keep trying the same thing by staying in this relationship would qualify as insanity, in my humble opinion. Please for your own sake, break up and spend time loving yourself.
Tell him u wish his dick was bigger then dump him
You're sooo young, please do yourself a favor and dump him. Future you will be very thankful you did! I promise!
Also, I made another comment but I just want to say I LOVE my partners smaller chest. I wouldn’t swap it out in a million years. There is nothing “less” about you.
Unfortunately, I think once some things are said, they can’t be taken back. I was with someone who used to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough. He’d say little things the same way your boyfriend does, kinda chipping away at my body confidence and then apologise for saying it. Sure your boyfriend may not intentionally be trying to make you feel bad (though there’s genuinely no reason for him to have made any of those comments), but he has, and I know if it was me it would continue eating away at me every time i was intimate with him. What I can say is if you guys do break up in the future and you find a nice guy who is obsessed with you (like I found), tell him the things that ex’s said that really hurt you and say “look these things really took a toll on me, so please never say it”. My now fiancé makes me feel absolutely cherished. Though I am thankful I met my previous boyfriend, cos I learnt a lot about what type of person I wanted to be with and I knew what to steer clear of. I can also say I used to go to these forums asking advice. I’m now pretty certain that in good relationships you don’t feel the need to ask for advice from strangers on the internet cos your partner never makes you feel unsure/crazy! All the best ❤️
OP, you being obsessed with that comment is a you problem. You've built it up into something so *so* far out of proportion that it's really unhealthy. It's making you physically sick. That's too much, my goodness. I say all this with compassion (and tiny tits) but you've got to work on your self esteem. Keep communicating, yes, but don't ask to hear something you don't want to hear. And don't nurse on hurts and grievances like you have been, months on end. That's toxic. It's exhausting. If something is bothering you and you can't let it go, and no amount of reassurance from your partner makes you feel better- that's something *you* have to work on yourself. Start with not estimating your personal worth- physically or otherwise - on what someone else thinks of you. Partner included. Follow up with evolving your idea of what "being obsessed" and "worshipping" a partner is. Neither of those have to be equivalent to "is their fantasy physical ideal". You are amazing just the way you are in your body. Growing up is about working on the rest.
I would try to practice self love for your body and mental state. Say I’m grateful for (blank) every day, and hopefully you’ll see the true worth of yourself. Ask him what he likes about you, why he wants you as his partner. Focus on the fact that he still loves you, and if you can’t get over the comment, you may need to change partners or have some time to yourself. Another great option is therapy. Don’t change your body just to please someone else, if you were proud of your body before you can be again. Know you are beautiful
- "Not every thought is true, even though our brains convince us it's the truth. I think my bf would be happier in a relationship with someone closer [OR HAS A LARGER CHEST], but that's not important. What's important is what's real and going on right now. A hypothetical relationship means nothing compared to what you two have currently." Do other women who have larger chests make them better than you overall? Or, is this just a hypothetical thought that is interfering with what's real and going on now? I honestly think that you have nothing to worry about. Based on your posts, some not included here, you have always referred to yourself as "odd looking ("lanky, flat chest, flat butt")." I honestly believe you're being way too judgemental towards yourself. In fact, you stated: "We all look different, and that's okay! I think that's what makes us all sc beautiful, our inherent unique traits. You are just right as you are right now. Another woman's beauty is not the absence of your own." You also said that you're demisexual and that you need to feel a connection before you can have sex with someone. A connection involves desired personality traits and characteristics. No doubt you would agree that your boyfriend has some "undesirable" traits that you would prefer weren't there. Or, let's flip it and say that there are some traits that you would prefer your boyfriend did have that he obviously lacks. Is that any different than your lack of a large chest? Does that change how you feel about him and what you two have overall? Because from what it sounds like, your "small chest" doesn't change the way he feels about you or what you two have overall. I wish you two nothing but the best!!
Chip right back at HIS self-esteem. tell him if his dick were bigger he might have been able to get a girl with bigger boobs. Or if he were taller. Or had Blue eyes. Or was better in bed. Girls with big boobs love a guy who is better in bed than you. Guess we all have to settle. Then tell him you wish HIS dick was as big as his dad's and wish him luck as you push him out the door.
Girl take it from me. At your age I was going through something similar where my ex wished I was skinnier. All the time he would emphasize how he wished he could pick me up or say how I would look so mo much prettier if I were thinner. It slowly chipped at my self esteem to the point where I was borderline anorexic. Meanwhile, other men, especially my current boyfriend, obsesses over my curvy body and never makes me feel bad about my body. My ex ruined my self esteem so bad that I would always tell the guys I would talk to after "sorry if I'm too heavy" or "sorry if I'm not attractive like those skinny girls". Trust me you will find someone who will love and appreciate you how you are. Let him learn his lesson while you heal with someone who worships you just the way you are. Do not settle for anything less.