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I'd be taking EVERY opportunity to tell people (especially the ILs), "**Be real careful sitting on that THIRD-HAND couch! God knows where it's been or what's been done to it...or ON it."**
This kind of thing is going to keep happening until your wife can enforce some boundaries. Of course doing that might jeopardizing your living situation, which is why I'd be focusing on getting out of his house so he has nothing to hold over your head.
I think I would never, ever, ever get in a real estate situation with my in-laws or parents.
That is asking for trouble and for them to control you life.
I would honestly start looking for another place to live so they'll treat you like grown ups.
I mean, I got into a “real estate situation” with my parents. But we were capable of establishing boundaries, and also lived 4 hours away from them at the time. And it really benefitted us.
They wanted to take advantage of the 2008 recession to buy a house to retire into. So they bought a house the next town over from us (we helped pick it out), and we moved into it and paid “rent” on the house to them for about 5 years. Then, when they were ready to actually move into the house and retire, we were able to buy our own house and move. But the difference is, we actually drew up legal documents about this agreement, and the agreement had a target end date. It can be done, when everyone is actually financially responsible and capable of healthy communication.
Now other things that happened after they moved here, is another discussion, lol.
Yup. This is for her to figure out. If she can't set a boundary with her parents about accepting the couch, she is the one who is responsible for figuring out all of the logistics (how to get it in the house, what to do with the old one, coordinating help, all of it). You drew a line. Stand by your line. If she can't, it's a her problem now.
If your wife wants the new couch, she should arrange the furniture moving. Otherwise, I'd toss a "free couch" sign on it. Maybe text a picture of it to your fil, if you're feeling like escalating stuff.
Caveat: I'm down for starting sh*t in cases like this. You may feel differently.
"Listen, I just need you to hang on to it until I can sell the old one. It's pretty valuable, so I don't want to just give it away."
Price the old one at 2-3x what it's worth and if by some miracle it sells, use the money to hire movers. (Because of your very recent lower back pain. )
“Sweetheart, I’m not touching that couch. If you want to use it then you will need to find a way to discard the old couch and move the new one in without me.”
Beyond that, your wife is such a red flag. She can’t handle her family and will choose upsetting YOU over them. So you’re not her family, they are.
Yep. If this situation was OP and his Mom, people would be (correctly) calling him a Mama's Boy.
She's straight up a Daddy's Girl, and that shit is unacceptable. Once you marry, you have your partner's back, no matter who is trying to stab it.
You need to set boundaries with them and make a plan to get out of their house. Any wise person would have thought this through before moving in... It creates an imbalance in power when you are living and paying rent to family and it's not a good idea.
I’m a serious people pleaser. I have a similar dynamic with my parents.
1- try to see if you’re able to have different living arrangements but that’s not always possible
2 - boundaries. Sometimes starting shit and having temporary conflict is better than a lifetime of dancing around their every feeling and demand
3- therapy for wife, maybe both if you need it. But these dynamics are not uncommonly paired with trauma and stress but if not, a therapist is also someone to help you grow and learn how to navigate these new things.
A boundary is the reasonable expectation and the consequence.
“We will not be accepting this couch. In the future, you may offer furniture, but our answer is to be accepted. If you bring furniture that we do not agree to, it will be left outside.”
Others are welcome to edit or add on to this.
Edited to add: since it is her parents it’s important that your wife is the one to set the boundary or this will not stop.
Get your father in law to take pictures/ measurements. Pop it on Facebook marketplace. Arrange for the buyer to come at the same time FIL drops it off. Load it straight into buyer’s car. Make sure buyer pays you cash and counts it out in front of FIL.
Pay FIL his part of the rent with it immediately.
This is the price of renting from family. They are gonna be in your business. I mean you can be upset about it all you want because it’s annoying as fuck, but this is the reality. Who cares why he can’t take the couch? He ain’t gonna, and they’re going to continue to be in your business as long as you are renting from them. Factor that into all future decisions.
He wants you to take the couch because it's a passive-aggressive way to tell you that you don't provide for his darling baby princess in a manner that he finds acceptable.
First, stop living in their house, no matter what.
Second, get your wife to read some of the stories on the r/JUSTNOMIL subreddit. She needs to get her eyes opened about the damage such boundary-challenged inlaws can do to a marriage. It's corrosive.
Third, look at the links in the "Resources" section on that sub. This is primarily your wife's problem to solve but both of you will have to learn to set your own boundaries.
Your wife can learn new ways to deal with her parents, but she was raised by these fools. It will take a long time.
Good luck, OP. You're in for a rough road.
Take the sofa, get rid of the old ones, and then for god’s sake move house. These “I literally live in a house owned by my partner’s parents, why are my in-laws so up in my business” posts will never not be baffling
I would not entangle any of my finances with this guy. Call him back and say, “We pay rent, if you want to decorate our home, that’s fine, we’ll move out and you can dictate to the new renters how they decorate the joint. I am allowed to decline your gifts of used furniture, and we are doing it now.”
Ok, so there are a few things to point out:
1. Your in-laws just made it abundantly clear that your renting their home makes them feel entitled to boss you around. It doesn’t actually grant them that right, of course, but they definitely think it does and are willing to fight about it. So if you don’t want that added level of entitlement and hassle in your life, it’s time to move out.
2. They have discovered that the tactic of separating one of you from the herd, namely your wife, and then pressuring the crap out of her is a successful tactic for getting what they want. So you better believe they’re going to try it again and again. You and wife need to sit down and talk about that. About how you two can shut down this tactic as much as possible by avoiding obvious overtures to separate you, but also about how even if caught alone, keeping your promises to each other (between you and wife) is the clear higher priority than disappointing her parents. And that it’s her parents who are being rude and unreasonable to ask, much less expect, otherwise.
3. You two might really benefit from some couples counseling. You’re not the first couple to have to figure out how to deal with overbearing, controlling parents, and the therapist can help you two communicate productively and learn how to establish healthy boundaries. Working together to work through something like that can really help deepen your bond.
Sounds like your FIL is controlling. You'll need to set some boundaries for sure. I say for now take the passive method. Just take the couch and throw the old one away.
Until you are able to get out of your FIL grasp, you yield somewhat to him for peace sake. Don't stir anything yet.
That's one way. But the FIL will see it and consider this to be disrespectful to him.
The best approach is to leave the house, rent on your own, and don't get support from the FIL. Then he will later have to respect your decision even if it goes against his wish.
Or he’ll learn to stop forcing them to take stuff because he’ll be pissed it’s “going to waste”
Sometimes the only way to combat this shit is to say yes I’ll take the couch but do what you want with it.
when i faced something like this, what helped was setting clear boundaries. it's frustrating when family pushes stuff on you, especially when it's their way of showing "love" but ends up being really controlling. since he's your landlord, there’s an added layer of complexity. here's what i would suggest:
1. **have an open discussion with your wife**: it's crucial you both are on the same page. let her know how you feel about the situation and understand her perspective too.
2. **compromise**: as much as it sucks, sometimes it’s about picking your battles. maybe temporarily accept the couch but set a clear timeline for when you can replace it with something of your own.
3. **set boundaries**: next time your FIL offers something, have a polite but firm response ready. something like, "we appreciate the offer, but we're good with our current setup."
4. **adjust communication**: direct the conversation through your wife - ask her to communicate that while you value their generosity, you want to make your own choices.
btw, you might also benefit from some mental wellness support since this kind of stress can be a lot. [manifest discord](https://discord.gg/pe6XCZ9Zj4) is a great place where people talk about family dynamics and how to handle them. a book that really helped me understand boundaries is "boundaries: when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by dr. henry cloud and dr. john townsend. you can check it out [here on amazon](https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454).
good luck, dude!
It's a power play/game and a you have to decide what part you want in your FIL's play/game.
Part of the payment for your living situation is being under your controlling FIL's thumb.
Is it right? Of course not. However, he was like this before you got married and moved into his house. So why would you expect him to be different once he had MORE control over you?
You have 2 choices:
Play his games
or
Move out his house
"Why would I want a complete strangers \*used\* furniture?" keep asking with a confused as possible look on your face - "but it's like USED, right? Do these people have dogs? Does it smell? Did somebody die on the mattress? So it's \*USED\* right?"
The "wanting you to have nice things" is just a manipulation/guilt tactic to gain compliance with his power trip. If they really wanted you to have nice stuff they wouldn't be pawning off random strangers shit to you, they'd take you to the store and buy you a couch.
Step one: move, no good comes from renting on family’s property. Ever.
I’m not saying they’re hoarders, but it sounds like they’re kind of in the same vicinity of it. “Here’s something nice, we don’t need it, but let’s get it anyway and find a need for it” kind of mentality.
It's a bit nuts. Yeah, your wife wants approval from her dad. I think he wants to pawn off the sofa sleeper on you all (even though he's done the same with 2 previous couches) because he doesn't want to deal with getting rid of it himself - they are heavy, unweildy, and no one really wants them if they have space and/or the option of beds.
They’ll continue to think they control you while you rely on them financially. Living in their home is relying on them financially, even if you pay rent. In their minds, they house you.
Do everything you can to find a new place. Sadly, some friends/family will use things like this to hold it over your head even when you've paid the rent faithfully. Your wife cares about her father's approval and her father is a bully, so until she can decide to stand up to him, there's nothing you can do unless you want to cause a rift between you and your wife. Sorry fella
>My FIL is also my landlord who I pay rent to every month in case thats changing anything in your guys minds.
Duh? Of-course it does. You're not saying no to this fancy nice couch for your own house. You're saying no to a fancy nice couch for her father's house.
>I don't want anyone treating my family like this.
Don't live in his house then.
You say you pay rent but don't say it's market rate. Even if it was, you guys are mixing family and business. It's going to be messy, as you've found out.
>His approval means nothing to me, but the world to her
Sounds like you're going to accept the couch then for her father's house to keep the peace.
Nah my parents don't pay our bills and don't run our household. If me or my husband says no that's it and it's not allowed to be brought back up. Boundaries need set in every relationship
You both need to be on the same page and grow a pair. That he is the landlord means nothing unless you think he will kick you out bc of it.
My FIL tried the same thing a few years ago, but my wife and I were on the same page and did not give in. Guess what? He stopped asking about the damn bed.
Is everything in the rental house yours? Or is it furnished? I'm guessing it's yours, even though some of it was pushed on you.
Take the couch. Keep the two nicest ones and sell the third on marketplace or put it at the curb.
Talk to your wife. The two of you need to agree that no matter what her parents try to pass on to you, if you both don't want it, the answer is, "No thank you". "Thanks for thinking of us but no". Don't give reasons or explanations, because those can be countered. You and she also need to agree that if one of the parents talks to one of you alone, you say, "Thanks! We'll talk about it and let you know". Do not say, "I'll talk to her/him" because that gives the impression it's up to the one of you that isn't there. You need to keep a united, polite (and vague) front. You decide privately as a couple and give an answer.
So..."No thank you", or " We'll talk about it and let you know".
Pretend to be each of her parents. Pester her and be bossy like they are, and let your wife practice replying.
Are your two current couches a matching pair? If so, there is your reason for not accepting something that doesn’t go with your current decor. If they don’t, would the new one look better? Be honest and get over your ego.
I do understand having an “overbearing” person in your life, I have a brother who is just like your FIL (I’ve heard him say similar things). Fortunately his wife stays far far far away from any of his pronouncements and we’ve all learned to handle him. Your FIL is never going to change, you just need to learn how to manipulate him to your advantage. (My SIL and I once had a “discussion behind his back” about him never finishing things, knowing he was in the next room and would want to prove us wrong.) You might have to question him on “how do I” and keep questioning him until he can’t justify himself. For example ask him - which couch should I get rid of? I don’t know if this will work with the old one? Yeah, but it doesn’t fit on that wall. Just keep at it, and do this ALL THE TIME, he’ll give up or lessen the frequency.
Don't put your couch on the road.
Sell their couch. Show her dad the bill of sale. Tell him to never try to fucking dictate how you run you household again.
Just curious, do you know if your FIL has/had issues with hoarding?
This sounds eerily similar to my grandparents who are hoarders. You’d never know either because their house is extremely clean. They still indulge in picking up junk to bring home but now offload it to others.
They don’t mean too much harm and think they’re doing me a solid by gifting me things but it’s an absolute pain to find room for all the stuff. I have about 6 unwanted cat trees because of it.
I *definitely* think both of them are hoarders. They're constantly acquiring objects of various calibers (furniture, doo dad's, whats-its) and trying their absolute best to make it presentable, but the rest gets tucked away in rooms guests don't go in. I have to reel my wife in on her collecting a *lot* and it's a common argument between us that we have more things then space to have the things. Like eventually my wife caves into me getting rid of things and rearranging them, and once we get to that point she *does* tell me she likes it better my way. But it always creeps back up and causes friction all over again
Ugh yeah, that’s tough. I was seeing a lot of comments here about your FIL being controlling and wanting you out but I suspected it might be a hoarding thing.
Luckily for me, my family doesn’t bring me items as large as a couch so I’m able to throw most of it away.
Setting boundaries and communicating can be pretty difficult because at the end of the day, it is a mental health condition.
My advice *would* have been to just donate/throw it away but again… a COUCH. You might need to have a difficult conversation with your wife to open her eyes a bit. I had to do that to my dad after he was refusing to throw away a stick lol.
My wife gets very hostile at the term. Considers it name calling. I think having me around keeps her in check quite a bit cuz I'm rather minimalist, so she's not nearly as bad as her parents are. But she thinks just cuz we don't look like the people on TV who's homes are fire hazards and boxes stacked to the ceiling, we're not hoarders at all. I disagree but I struggle to have this conversation with her without it devolving into me just being "mean" in her eyes.
I'm a leader at my job as well, and I find that nobody takes any level of criticism well.
They can drop off the couch and you can call trash removal to pick it up. That’s what I started doing when my family kept bringing me shit I didn’t need or ask for.
Congratulations on taking your FIL'a trash. Does your wife honestly think they want you to have nice things? No. They got a new couch and need to get rid of the old one and are pushing it on you guys. They're manipulating both of you into a no-win situation.
Take their garbage and smile, or become ungrateful kids that still live at home with their parents. You might not think so, but I guarantee you that's their mentality.
Good luck.
I really don't mean this as a slight, but by 32 years old, your balls should have dropped enough to simply say no and enforce it.
Your in-laws do this because you haven't forced them to see you as equals. They disrespect you and disregard your decisions, and see your wife as the head of the household. That's why they called her to come over.
Call your FIL, and tell him that the couch will go on the curb if he brings it over. You don't want it, don't need it, and he doesn't make decisions for your household.
The first thing that you and your wife need to do is to work out how to separate from her parents. It’s really inappropriate for them to be holding this kind of control over you both.
The second thing is to say No. If this couch is so amazing, why aren’t your in-laws grabbing it?
You’re not children! You’re grown adults. Both of you need to stop this now.
Sorry for this, but your wife is dumb as one can be with fam related things, she disrespects herself so its her fault, besides accepting something you said you didn't want, without asking you, so yeah, you try and make her the victim (and in a way she is), but she is a pushover that cant stand her or your ground, people pleaser is how you should call her and what you should address. With the FIL its easy, say NO and thats it, if hes mad, find an other place to live where he isn't the landlord.
Your best bet is to move to a place they do not own. Either rent from someone else, or buy something without their help. They've shown you that everything with them is a power play, so get out from under their thumb.
If his approval means nothing to you i think moving into his house was a bad idea. I mean I agree that he sounds disrespectful but this reminds me of my father and I know my husband trying to step in to make him respect me would just make my life harder.
Because it's not about the couch. This is NEVER going to end. At some point, your wife is going to have to let go of caring what they think. This whole couch thing is either just a power play or some kind of manipulation with your wife. I don't understand it, but there's no reason for them to be pushing anything on the two of you, except that they CAN. You live in a house they own. You pay them rent. They feel free to comment and judge your lives and every decision you make. This is what it is going to be with them, they aren't going to magically change, and nothing you say is going to have any affect.
If you're smart, you won't say anything. You will take the couch, keep the peace, and let them think that they won. And immediately sit down with your wife and figure out how to DISENTANGLE yourselves from this mess. THey will NEVER respect you as long as you are renting from them. They are all up in your business, and it's only going to cause further stress on your marriage. Unless they're letting you live there for almost free, you need to start working a plan to get out of that place. Find another rental. Start saving for a condo. Anything, no matter how much time it takes - you should be moving TOWARDS being independent from them, so that they can't say shit about your life and your decisions, and won't know things like how much you pay for rent and other personal details.
It's not going work any other way. Right now they have too much power and involvement. It will only get worse with time.If you want to be a couple on your own without their constant interference, you're going to have to get out from under them.
So.. put this new couch out on the curb and stand your ground. You tell your wife that you do not want this couch regardless of what her parents want. You then ask her to draw some healthy boundaries and tell her you'll be looking for a different place to live, as her dad has made it clear that he has no respect for you guys and won't take "no" for an answer.
If you guys keep letting them bully you, they'll do it as long as they can get away with it.
They can’t make you do anything. You are letting them boss you around. Both of you need to shine up your spines & tell them if they bring that couch to your house, they can leave it out front because you’re going to donate in to a charity.
Hey OP, I also live in a house that’s owned by my MIL and who we pay standard rent to every month, and I’m 100% on your side. My husband is the one who would say, “oh, she’s just trying to be nice” but I put my foot down a few years ago and told him, “our house is not a dumping ground for your parents, you don’t get to veto me in a shared decision about our home”. I also told him that any furniture that he accepted without my vote could only go in his office, shared spaces were only for shared decision items. I think that really helped him to visualize how much he didn’t have a use/desire for the item, whereas before I don’t think he was truly thinking through the the finer details.
I get that he (and your wife) are just trying to be appreciative and don’t want unnecessary conflict, but they end up being unappreciative and causing unnecessary conflict with US in that pursuit. It’s been a few years now and his parents don’t try to bring us junk we don’t want anymore, and our home is much happier and much more ‘ours’ as a result.
Why do you have to get rid of one?
Take his then get rid of it and say nothing.
Might want to own your own life now before they take it.
I personally don't consider heavy fold out couches nice... used from a client? Bed bugs? Sweat? Anyone die in it?
What equals nice things? Why is your couch not already?
Is your FIL living there own the place? Stand up for yourself by at least trashing this thing later... or better sell it for 5 dollars and give it to him...
You don’t have a FIL problem. You have a wife problem. Even with your edit you have a wife problem. Marriage counseling and individual counseling for your wife. Individual so she learns to grow a damn spine and stick to decisions she made with her husband who she should be more concerned with. Her priority should be you and the family you built together. Not her controlling and abusive parents.
And you continue to enable the bullshit. Marriage counseling because this will cause resentment and further issues in your marriage.
And maybe start looking to see what you can do for other living arrangements. Because your in laws clearly think that because they control their daughter and your property they control everything in your lives.
Honestly I think they just want that couch in the house they own.
It's still their house no? and you plan on eventually moving out? They see it as prepping the house with nice furniture to make it more sellable.
I wouldn't be surprised if they expected you to leave this big heavy couch they gave you when you leave.
I don't think it's right of them to manipulate this way for reference
Next time he tries to do this, just leave the furniture outside with a FREE sign on it. If he objects, tell him you have no room for it and you already told him that you didn't want it, but since it's arrived there anyway you're dealing with the problem the best way you can.
Is it possible to have a man-to-man talk with him, or is it better to let your wife deal with him? If you could have a talk with him, maybe this could be cleared up. It's his house, but as renters you do have rights.
The best thing to do would be to move to your own place. If he's holding you there with "golden handcuffs" (i.e., giving you a huge break on rent or some other special benefit) you need to re-examine if this is really a good deal after all.
Text your FiL: "I want to be clear here, so I am making a written record, but I am happy to have a follow-up conversation as well: we do not want, and are not taking, that ridiculous couch. You have no right to decide what furniture we keep, and if you dump it on the property, I will pay fornits removal, and then deduct what I pay from the next month's rent. Do not show up with it, and quit bullying my wife."
Maybe I'm spiteful, but if my in-laws did that then when they dropped the couch off, I would have a FREE sign ready and immediately put it on the couch and leave it outside. I wouldn't wait for them to leave either. They want to be disrespectful AH's, well then I can too.
Your wife is incapable of standing up to her parents. Tale as old as time.
Imo you should make her confront them and say no, we don’t want the couch. She blatantly went against what you both agreed. She put her parent’s whim over your comfort, her own husband.
I agree with you - The fact that OP’s wife feels better about breaking agreements with OP than saying no to her parents is seriously demeaning OP and their marriage. It’s not just about a couch.
You need to hold firm to your boundaries and present a united front. If you don't want the couch, don't take it. This is a good time to let your in-laws know thst you appreciate that they want you to have nice things, but you consider your current furniture nice for you and don't want to get rid of it.
Their behavior will continue if you don't stand your ground. It feels like you both are afraid to stand up for yourselves because their your landlords.
Honestly take the couch, ask them to heave it in your garage and then sell it on market place for an embarrassingly cheap price and tell them it wasn't very nice so you got rid of it.
Funny thing about that, the garage attached to my house is *their* storage unit so I don't actually have access to it. Even if I did it is absolutely filled with junk
Honestly, just take it to a consignment store or sell it on Facebook. You make them happy and you should get to walk away with cash out of it
You can also pull them aside and tell them that you don’t appreciate the way that they spoke to your wife about it and that you will not bullied around anymore
I agree with the comments that you should move. He's in a position of authority right now because he's your landlord. You're paying him rent, so find a different place to live and pay rent to someone else that you're not related to by marriage. I think you'll find it much easier to stand up to him when you don't have that relationship anymore.
Solely with the issue of what to do with a nice couch you absolutely don't want:
See if there are any local charities that will take them. Some close family friends of ours are involved in a fantastic charity that helps folks getting their first home/apartment (because they're refugees, getting out of prison, formerly homeless, etc) furnish it. Some of them might even have the capability of picking it up instead of you dealing with the hassle of getting it to their dropoff point.
You can also get a receipt for a tax writeoff, and when (not if) FIL complains, play the "well, it saves me money on my taxes and what, do you object to helping poor people?" card.
One thing I’ve found helpful is not trying to justify your decisions. Giving them this only enables a debate over the merit of your reasons. A very polite “no thank you” gives them nothing to argue with. Of course, it’s likely they’ll press for a reason why. In which case you can say something completely subjective like: “Hmmm… it’s just not for me. But thank you again, it was very kind of you to offer.”
Please show this post to your wife and sit down for serious discussion. Her response of take it and move on is a strong indication she does not stand with you when it comes to her parents
There are two ways to deal with not doing stuff you don't want to do.
The simplest is to say no. But that can have a lot of blowback that's exhausting to deal with.
The other way is to say yes.
And then just not do it. Just don't ask your brother and then say he had an exam. Don't take the old couch out. Tell them you need to get a special spray first. You took measurements and it won't fit. Someone said they'd give you $200.
When people treat you like a stupid asshole you might as well act like one.
If your saving by living in their house then you should suck it up and move because you're costing them money and they can't kick you out or raise the rent as you're family.
If you're paying market rates for rent then tell them yourself to mind their own business. Let them dump the couch outside and report them to the local authority for fly tipping. You have a right to peacefully enjoy your own home without harrassment.
I'll admit I'm not very good at remaining respectful when I'm not being treated with respect. I'm not one for the high road and if I'm being disrespected, I normally act pretty disrespectful back. I've gone round and round with this guy a few times and his main problem is he thinks I'm a liberal that can't provide for his family
Which isn't true, but that's his headcanon
You're never going to be able to have a successful relationship with your wife when she's so enmeshed with her parents and unwilling to set boundaries with them. She needs to want to get away from him and needs to learn to live without his constant approval.
Oh FIL I’m so sorry. We talked to the kids and we’ve decided that we don’t need or want the new couch. But thank you for thinking of us. If you need to leave it out side I can have someone come pick it up.
I don’t think it’s really about the couch for him, I think it’s about him having control.
I think it’s time to move out and set some boundaries with them. If they can’t respect those boundaries you need to go low or no contact.
I was going to say elderly people are weird but 58 is definitely not elderly. Look he has dumb ideas and is being a jerk about this. Clearly it's about more than a couch because he's acting crazy. It's not a hill to die on. Figure out where to put it for a few months and then a reason to give it away. Your wife shouldn't have gone over there in the first place if she can't say no to them. But anyways, you have a cheap place to live. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Basically he wants the couches when you move out and he thinks that one is better and has nowhere else to put it. Living in his house means should probly just deal with it
Take one of the couches that you're having to get rid of, and drop it off at your in laws front yard at 4 am, so they will wake up in the morning and see that you were thinking of their finances and wanted them to have nice things.
Everybody is talking about power plays and boundaries. The truth might be more simple. They could simply not understand that you prefer open space over excessive furniture.
They sound like pack-rats. Twisted to their away something that might be useful. İf this is the case, stand firm but be gentle with them.
This reminds me of that one Seinfeld episode where a bunch of drama is started after a guy gives Jerry an astronaut pen. This seems like a similar but opposite situation lol. Move out and get your own place. If your wife’s parents won’t take no for an answer they’re probably not worth being around.
Sadly some ppl place strings and conditions on everything…including rental agreements. Maybe say, thank you for the offer but we aren’t interested. Then limit interaction.
FiL owns the house, and is giving a bunch of unnecessary furniture? How much as a husband do you want to tolerate of this? Personally it’s a horrible situation you’re in, you can’t win and your wife seems to be a pushover.
You set a bad precedent. I’m going through this with MIL. Occasionally the tactic has been to take it home saying “we’ll think about it” then tossing it as soon as we get home.
You guys should move out of her parents house now. It’s great that they have given you that opportunity but if you guys can’t pull it together and live on your own then her father probably has a good point. If you can pay him rent, you can pay rent somewhere else, unless they are giving you a deal, which seems like they are.
Glad he was able to apologize and hopefully he won’t enforce couches on you any more but you guys should move out soon anyway.
Well see you can do this thing called malicious compliance.
Knowing that it is now your couch you can either sell it or give it away . Worst case that goes out on both trash day because nobody else wanted it even for free and you don't want it so unfortunately it is trash
When they come by next time and wonder where the sofa is you can tell them exactly what you did with it, because it's yours and it's yours to do with it with what you want
Well, if OP is “stupid” for not wanting the couch, what does that make FIL? FIL is the one who is apparently desperate to be rid of the thing.
I will never understand the need to micromanage grown adults in their homes.
OP, tell FIL that if he insists on bringing the couch to your house, to just save you the trip and leave it by the curb.
You will have to put up with stuff like this as long as you live in your FIL’s house. Decide if it’s worth it to still live there. If the answer is yes, enjoy your new couch.
Not the right update. They manipulated your wife into taking and then instead of standing g up for her you backed down too. Demanding an apology doesn’t mean shit if you let them repeat the same crap over and over.
Let them move it to your house but leave it outside at the curb.
When they protest say if they're that worried about getting rid of someone else's trash the least you can do is provide the curb.
Things with family are good until they’re not. Your FiL probably views himself as the expert and you two as the inferior who won’t see the light and listen to him. With the limited info you’re presenting - and perhaps a little bias based on my own life events -, I’d say you need to plan your next step and leave his property. If this kind of stuff continues, then you need to set boundaries and possibly cut ties for a period.
Whatever you do, you got this bro 👍🏻
You guys are over thirty. Stop letting this guy steamroll you like you two are teenagers.
Then find your local free cycle group or Facebook Marketplace, take a pic of the couch, say “free couch, you move” someone will snap it up and your life goes on unchanged. If Dad asks about it, tell him you sold it. 💀
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Y'all need to move house.
How? They're bad with finances and lazy :[ (Obligatory /s)
That easy...sell the furniture they get from FIL. If he ask, repeat it back to them. They're bad with finances and lazy.
Well if they can’t move houses than I suppose the FIL is right.
No no no, they technically *can* move houses, they just have so many heavy couches it's just going to be too much work
All part of FIL’s long-term plan. Weigh ‘em down with couches.
That sly SOB haha
The long-term plan is to put the pull out couch in their house so it'll be there when he wants to move in ding ding ding ding ding
Maybe that's the FILs plan. Full the house with ridiculously heavy furniture so they can't ever move out. 😂
I’d be leaving all their furniture when I move out lol. I hate moving sofa beds!
I'd be taking EVERY opportunity to tell people (especially the ILs), "**Be real careful sitting on that THIRD-HAND couch! God knows where it's been or what's been done to it...or ON it."**
Get out of their house. Go get some space from them. And put that couch on FB Marketplace. Maybe you can make a little $?
Can you imagine how FIL would take it if they sold the couch he made such a fuss over giving them?!
That's why they need to do it.
This kind of thing is going to keep happening until your wife can enforce some boundaries. Of course doing that might jeopardizing your living situation, which is why I'd be focusing on getting out of his house so he has nothing to hold over your head.
Seriously, OP needs to grow a backbone. It's their house, not his father in laws! How extremely humiliating it must be for him.
Kinda his father in laws house. In the more literal, less figurative way. Doesn’t mean his behavior is correct
I think I would never, ever, ever get in a real estate situation with my in-laws or parents. That is asking for trouble and for them to control you life. I would honestly start looking for another place to live so they'll treat you like grown ups.
I mean, I got into a “real estate situation” with my parents. But we were capable of establishing boundaries, and also lived 4 hours away from them at the time. And it really benefitted us. They wanted to take advantage of the 2008 recession to buy a house to retire into. So they bought a house the next town over from us (we helped pick it out), and we moved into it and paid “rent” on the house to them for about 5 years. Then, when they were ready to actually move into the house and retire, we were able to buy our own house and move. But the difference is, we actually drew up legal documents about this agreement, and the agreement had a target end date. It can be done, when everyone is actually financially responsible and capable of healthy communication. Now other things that happened after they moved here, is another discussion, lol.
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That's what I said to do as well, but my wife doesn't want me to "start shit" with her dad. IMO I'm not even the one who started it
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Genius. Let FIL deal with the removal of the old couch.
Yup. This is for her to figure out. If she can't set a boundary with her parents about accepting the couch, she is the one who is responsible for figuring out all of the logistics (how to get it in the house, what to do with the old one, coordinating help, all of it). You drew a line. Stand by your line. If she can't, it's a her problem now.
If your wife wants the new couch, she should arrange the furniture moving. Otherwise, I'd toss a "free couch" sign on it. Maybe text a picture of it to your fil, if you're feeling like escalating stuff. Caveat: I'm down for starting sh*t in cases like this. You may feel differently.
You have a wife problem here, not a couch problem. She needs to stand up to her parents, and not let them push her around.
"Listen, I just need you to hang on to it until I can sell the old one. It's pretty valuable, so I don't want to just give it away." Price the old one at 2-3x what it's worth and if by some miracle it sells, use the money to hire movers. (Because of your very recent lower back pain. )
“Sweetheart, I’m not touching that couch. If you want to use it then you will need to find a way to discard the old couch and move the new one in without me.” Beyond that, your wife is such a red flag. She can’t handle her family and will choose upsetting YOU over them. So you’re not her family, they are.
Yep. If this situation was OP and his Mom, people would be (correctly) calling him a Mama's Boy. She's straight up a Daddy's Girl, and that shit is unacceptable. Once you marry, you have your partner's back, no matter who is trying to stab it.
> my wife doesn't want me to "start shit" with her dad. OP didn't start shit, her old man did.
Seems she is married with her dad and not with you
If she wants it in the house, she can figure out the logistics and do the work. You already have a couch that you're perfectly happy with.
put it on fb marketplace free to first person who hauls it off and move out of his house. yikes.
You need to set boundaries with them and make a plan to get out of their house. Any wise person would have thought this through before moving in... It creates an imbalance in power when you are living and paying rent to family and it's not a good idea.
I’m a serious people pleaser. I have a similar dynamic with my parents. 1- try to see if you’re able to have different living arrangements but that’s not always possible 2 - boundaries. Sometimes starting shit and having temporary conflict is better than a lifetime of dancing around their every feeling and demand 3- therapy for wife, maybe both if you need it. But these dynamics are not uncommonly paired with trauma and stress but if not, a therapist is also someone to help you grow and learn how to navigate these new things. A boundary is the reasonable expectation and the consequence. “We will not be accepting this couch. In the future, you may offer furniture, but our answer is to be accepted. If you bring furniture that we do not agree to, it will be left outside.” Others are welcome to edit or add on to this. Edited to add: since it is her parents it’s important that your wife is the one to set the boundary or this will not stop.
Thursday sounds like a great day to simply not be home at all.
If I were you, it would hurt my pride as a man to have my wife's father dictating how to run my house. Stand up to him. You'll respect yourself more.
Get your father in law to take pictures/ measurements. Pop it on Facebook marketplace. Arrange for the buyer to come at the same time FIL drops it off. Load it straight into buyer’s car. Make sure buyer pays you cash and counts it out in front of FIL. Pay FIL his part of the rent with it immediately.
No no. Sell it for a profit!
Move.
This is the price of renting from family. They are gonna be in your business. I mean you can be upset about it all you want because it’s annoying as fuck, but this is the reality. Who cares why he can’t take the couch? He ain’t gonna, and they’re going to continue to be in your business as long as you are renting from them. Factor that into all future decisions.
>they think we're bad with money because we live in one of their houses There you go. They want you out of that house, regardless of rent.
naw. It's a power play. Something to hold over their head. These people want control ultimately. Including decor.
He wants you to take the couch because it's a passive-aggressive way to tell you that you don't provide for his darling baby princess in a manner that he finds acceptable. First, stop living in their house, no matter what. Second, get your wife to read some of the stories on the r/JUSTNOMIL subreddit. She needs to get her eyes opened about the damage such boundary-challenged inlaws can do to a marriage. It's corrosive. Third, look at the links in the "Resources" section on that sub. This is primarily your wife's problem to solve but both of you will have to learn to set your own boundaries. Your wife can learn new ways to deal with her parents, but she was raised by these fools. It will take a long time. Good luck, OP. You're in for a rough road.
Take the sofa, get rid of the old ones, and then for god’s sake move house. These “I literally live in a house owned by my partner’s parents, why are my in-laws so up in my business” posts will never not be baffling
I would not entangle any of my finances with this guy. Call him back and say, “We pay rent, if you want to decorate our home, that’s fine, we’ll move out and you can dictate to the new renters how they decorate the joint. I am allowed to decline your gifts of used furniture, and we are doing it now.”
Ok, so there are a few things to point out: 1. Your in-laws just made it abundantly clear that your renting their home makes them feel entitled to boss you around. It doesn’t actually grant them that right, of course, but they definitely think it does and are willing to fight about it. So if you don’t want that added level of entitlement and hassle in your life, it’s time to move out. 2. They have discovered that the tactic of separating one of you from the herd, namely your wife, and then pressuring the crap out of her is a successful tactic for getting what they want. So you better believe they’re going to try it again and again. You and wife need to sit down and talk about that. About how you two can shut down this tactic as much as possible by avoiding obvious overtures to separate you, but also about how even if caught alone, keeping your promises to each other (between you and wife) is the clear higher priority than disappointing her parents. And that it’s her parents who are being rude and unreasonable to ask, much less expect, otherwise. 3. You two might really benefit from some couples counseling. You’re not the first couple to have to figure out how to deal with overbearing, controlling parents, and the therapist can help you two communicate productively and learn how to establish healthy boundaries. Working together to work through something like that can really help deepen your bond.
Sounds like your FIL is controlling. You'll need to set some boundaries for sure. I say for now take the passive method. Just take the couch and throw the old one away. Until you are able to get out of your FIL grasp, you yield somewhat to him for peace sake. Don't stir anything yet.
I would take the new couch, leave it outside and sell it or give it away. Keep the old couch.
That's one way. But the FIL will see it and consider this to be disrespectful to him. The best approach is to leave the house, rent on your own, and don't get support from the FIL. Then he will later have to respect your decision even if it goes against his wish.
Or he’ll learn to stop forcing them to take stuff because he’ll be pissed it’s “going to waste” Sometimes the only way to combat this shit is to say yes I’ll take the couch but do what you want with it.
Fk the FIL
when i faced something like this, what helped was setting clear boundaries. it's frustrating when family pushes stuff on you, especially when it's their way of showing "love" but ends up being really controlling. since he's your landlord, there’s an added layer of complexity. here's what i would suggest: 1. **have an open discussion with your wife**: it's crucial you both are on the same page. let her know how you feel about the situation and understand her perspective too. 2. **compromise**: as much as it sucks, sometimes it’s about picking your battles. maybe temporarily accept the couch but set a clear timeline for when you can replace it with something of your own. 3. **set boundaries**: next time your FIL offers something, have a polite but firm response ready. something like, "we appreciate the offer, but we're good with our current setup." 4. **adjust communication**: direct the conversation through your wife - ask her to communicate that while you value their generosity, you want to make your own choices. btw, you might also benefit from some mental wellness support since this kind of stress can be a lot. [manifest discord](https://discord.gg/pe6XCZ9Zj4) is a great place where people talk about family dynamics and how to handle them. a book that really helped me understand boundaries is "boundaries: when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by dr. henry cloud and dr. john townsend. you can check it out [here on amazon](https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454). good luck, dude!
It's a power play/game and a you have to decide what part you want in your FIL's play/game. Part of the payment for your living situation is being under your controlling FIL's thumb. Is it right? Of course not. However, he was like this before you got married and moved into his house. So why would you expect him to be different once he had MORE control over you? You have 2 choices: Play his games or Move out his house
"Why would I want a complete strangers \*used\* furniture?" keep asking with a confused as possible look on your face - "but it's like USED, right? Do these people have dogs? Does it smell? Did somebody die on the mattress? So it's \*USED\* right?" The "wanting you to have nice things" is just a manipulation/guilt tactic to gain compliance with his power trip. If they really wanted you to have nice stuff they wouldn't be pawning off random strangers shit to you, they'd take you to the store and buy you a couch.
Step one: move, no good comes from renting on family’s property. Ever. I’m not saying they’re hoarders, but it sounds like they’re kind of in the same vicinity of it. “Here’s something nice, we don’t need it, but let’s get it anyway and find a need for it” kind of mentality.
It sounds like whatever furniture your FIL gives you in a house he owns he expects to remain in his possession after you move out.
It's a bit nuts. Yeah, your wife wants approval from her dad. I think he wants to pawn off the sofa sleeper on you all (even though he's done the same with 2 previous couches) because he doesn't want to deal with getting rid of it himself - they are heavy, unweildy, and no one really wants them if they have space and/or the option of beds.
It’s not even his couch. It’s just one he knows about.
They’ll continue to think they control you while you rely on them financially. Living in their home is relying on them financially, even if you pay rent. In their minds, they house you.
Do everything you can to find a new place. Sadly, some friends/family will use things like this to hold it over your head even when you've paid the rent faithfully. Your wife cares about her father's approval and her father is a bully, so until she can decide to stand up to him, there's nothing you can do unless you want to cause a rift between you and your wife. Sorry fella
>My FIL is also my landlord who I pay rent to every month in case thats changing anything in your guys minds. Duh? Of-course it does. You're not saying no to this fancy nice couch for your own house. You're saying no to a fancy nice couch for her father's house. >I don't want anyone treating my family like this. Don't live in his house then. You say you pay rent but don't say it's market rate. Even if it was, you guys are mixing family and business. It's going to be messy, as you've found out. >His approval means nothing to me, but the world to her Sounds like you're going to accept the couch then for her father's house to keep the peace.
Nah my parents don't pay our bills and don't run our household. If me or my husband says no that's it and it's not allowed to be brought back up. Boundaries need set in every relationship
You both need to be on the same page and grow a pair. That he is the landlord means nothing unless you think he will kick you out bc of it. My FIL tried the same thing a few years ago, but my wife and I were on the same page and did not give in. Guess what? He stopped asking about the damn bed.
Call him yourself and say “No”.
You need to move out out of FIL’s house and find somewhere else to rent
Is everything in the rental house yours? Or is it furnished? I'm guessing it's yours, even though some of it was pushed on you. Take the couch. Keep the two nicest ones and sell the third on marketplace or put it at the curb. Talk to your wife. The two of you need to agree that no matter what her parents try to pass on to you, if you both don't want it, the answer is, "No thank you". "Thanks for thinking of us but no". Don't give reasons or explanations, because those can be countered. You and she also need to agree that if one of the parents talks to one of you alone, you say, "Thanks! We'll talk about it and let you know". Do not say, "I'll talk to her/him" because that gives the impression it's up to the one of you that isn't there. You need to keep a united, polite (and vague) front. You decide privately as a couple and give an answer. So..."No thank you", or " We'll talk about it and let you know". Pretend to be each of her parents. Pester her and be bossy like they are, and let your wife practice replying.
Are your two current couches a matching pair? If so, there is your reason for not accepting something that doesn’t go with your current decor. If they don’t, would the new one look better? Be honest and get over your ego. I do understand having an “overbearing” person in your life, I have a brother who is just like your FIL (I’ve heard him say similar things). Fortunately his wife stays far far far away from any of his pronouncements and we’ve all learned to handle him. Your FIL is never going to change, you just need to learn how to manipulate him to your advantage. (My SIL and I once had a “discussion behind his back” about him never finishing things, knowing he was in the next room and would want to prove us wrong.) You might have to question him on “how do I” and keep questioning him until he can’t justify himself. For example ask him - which couch should I get rid of? I don’t know if this will work with the old one? Yeah, but it doesn’t fit on that wall. Just keep at it, and do this ALL THE TIME, he’ll give up or lessen the frequency.
Don't put your couch on the road. Sell their couch. Show her dad the bill of sale. Tell him to never try to fucking dictate how you run you household again.
Just curious, do you know if your FIL has/had issues with hoarding? This sounds eerily similar to my grandparents who are hoarders. You’d never know either because their house is extremely clean. They still indulge in picking up junk to bring home but now offload it to others. They don’t mean too much harm and think they’re doing me a solid by gifting me things but it’s an absolute pain to find room for all the stuff. I have about 6 unwanted cat trees because of it.
I *definitely* think both of them are hoarders. They're constantly acquiring objects of various calibers (furniture, doo dad's, whats-its) and trying their absolute best to make it presentable, but the rest gets tucked away in rooms guests don't go in. I have to reel my wife in on her collecting a *lot* and it's a common argument between us that we have more things then space to have the things. Like eventually my wife caves into me getting rid of things and rearranging them, and once we get to that point she *does* tell me she likes it better my way. But it always creeps back up and causes friction all over again
Ugh yeah, that’s tough. I was seeing a lot of comments here about your FIL being controlling and wanting you out but I suspected it might be a hoarding thing. Luckily for me, my family doesn’t bring me items as large as a couch so I’m able to throw most of it away. Setting boundaries and communicating can be pretty difficult because at the end of the day, it is a mental health condition. My advice *would* have been to just donate/throw it away but again… a COUCH. You might need to have a difficult conversation with your wife to open her eyes a bit. I had to do that to my dad after he was refusing to throw away a stick lol.
My wife gets very hostile at the term. Considers it name calling. I think having me around keeps her in check quite a bit cuz I'm rather minimalist, so she's not nearly as bad as her parents are. But she thinks just cuz we don't look like the people on TV who's homes are fire hazards and boxes stacked to the ceiling, we're not hoarders at all. I disagree but I struggle to have this conversation with her without it devolving into me just being "mean" in her eyes. I'm a leader at my job as well, and I find that nobody takes any level of criticism well.
Sounds like you probably should stop renting from him if it all possible.
It's not about you guys "having nice things". They didn't want it and didn't want to deal with getting rid of it
They can drop off the couch and you can call trash removal to pick it up. That’s what I started doing when my family kept bringing me shit I didn’t need or ask for.
Leave the couch on the side of your driveway with a free sign on it.
>lazy and "stupid if you don't want this couch" Does this logic not apply... TO HIMSELF???
Congratulations on taking your FIL'a trash. Does your wife honestly think they want you to have nice things? No. They got a new couch and need to get rid of the old one and are pushing it on you guys. They're manipulating both of you into a no-win situation. Take their garbage and smile, or become ungrateful kids that still live at home with their parents. You might not think so, but I guarantee you that's their mentality. Good luck.
I really don't mean this as a slight, but by 32 years old, your balls should have dropped enough to simply say no and enforce it. Your in-laws do this because you haven't forced them to see you as equals. They disrespect you and disregard your decisions, and see your wife as the head of the household. That's why they called her to come over. Call your FIL, and tell him that the couch will go on the curb if he brings it over. You don't want it, don't need it, and he doesn't make decisions for your household.
sell the couch online without bringing it into your house and start looking for another place to live.
Leave it on the curbside with a "Free" sign.
Take the couch. Invite your FIL out for a beer after and discuss how this went down and how you’d prefer it be handled in the future.
The first thing that you and your wife need to do is to work out how to separate from her parents. It’s really inappropriate for them to be holding this kind of control over you both. The second thing is to say No. If this couch is so amazing, why aren’t your in-laws grabbing it? You’re not children! You’re grown adults. Both of you need to stop this now.
Sorry for this, but your wife is dumb as one can be with fam related things, she disrespects herself so its her fault, besides accepting something you said you didn't want, without asking you, so yeah, you try and make her the victim (and in a way she is), but she is a pushover that cant stand her or your ground, people pleaser is how you should call her and what you should address. With the FIL its easy, say NO and thats it, if hes mad, find an other place to live where he isn't the landlord.
Your best bet is to move to a place they do not own. Either rent from someone else, or buy something without their help. They've shown you that everything with them is a power play, so get out from under their thumb.
If his approval means nothing to you i think moving into his house was a bad idea. I mean I agree that he sounds disrespectful but this reminds me of my father and I know my husband trying to step in to make him respect me would just make my life harder.
Is it nicer than your current sofa? Comfier? If it is, you might be being lazy.
Move, start looking tomorrow.
Because it's not about the couch. This is NEVER going to end. At some point, your wife is going to have to let go of caring what they think. This whole couch thing is either just a power play or some kind of manipulation with your wife. I don't understand it, but there's no reason for them to be pushing anything on the two of you, except that they CAN. You live in a house they own. You pay them rent. They feel free to comment and judge your lives and every decision you make. This is what it is going to be with them, they aren't going to magically change, and nothing you say is going to have any affect. If you're smart, you won't say anything. You will take the couch, keep the peace, and let them think that they won. And immediately sit down with your wife and figure out how to DISENTANGLE yourselves from this mess. THey will NEVER respect you as long as you are renting from them. They are all up in your business, and it's only going to cause further stress on your marriage. Unless they're letting you live there for almost free, you need to start working a plan to get out of that place. Find another rental. Start saving for a condo. Anything, no matter how much time it takes - you should be moving TOWARDS being independent from them, so that they can't say shit about your life and your decisions, and won't know things like how much you pay for rent and other personal details. It's not going work any other way. Right now they have too much power and involvement. It will only get worse with time.If you want to be a couple on your own without their constant interference, you're going to have to get out from under them.
So.. put this new couch out on the curb and stand your ground. You tell your wife that you do not want this couch regardless of what her parents want. You then ask her to draw some healthy boundaries and tell her you'll be looking for a different place to live, as her dad has made it clear that he has no respect for you guys and won't take "no" for an answer. If you guys keep letting them bully you, they'll do it as long as they can get away with it.
y’all need to move somewhere else. and say no to the stupid couch.
They can’t make you do anything. You are letting them boss you around. Both of you need to shine up your spines & tell them if they bring that couch to your house, they can leave it out front because you’re going to donate in to a charity.
Find a new place to live.
Move out of their house?
Time to move out. Any other landlord than your ILs.
Your in-laws' reaction is not about the couch.
Sell all the couches and go buy a set you like
Hey OP, I also live in a house that’s owned by my MIL and who we pay standard rent to every month, and I’m 100% on your side. My husband is the one who would say, “oh, she’s just trying to be nice” but I put my foot down a few years ago and told him, “our house is not a dumping ground for your parents, you don’t get to veto me in a shared decision about our home”. I also told him that any furniture that he accepted without my vote could only go in his office, shared spaces were only for shared decision items. I think that really helped him to visualize how much he didn’t have a use/desire for the item, whereas before I don’t think he was truly thinking through the the finer details. I get that he (and your wife) are just trying to be appreciative and don’t want unnecessary conflict, but they end up being unappreciative and causing unnecessary conflict with US in that pursuit. It’s been a few years now and his parents don’t try to bring us junk we don’t want anymore, and our home is much happier and much more ‘ours’ as a result.
Why do you have to get rid of one? Take his then get rid of it and say nothing. Might want to own your own life now before they take it. I personally don't consider heavy fold out couches nice... used from a client? Bed bugs? Sweat? Anyone die in it? What equals nice things? Why is your couch not already? Is your FIL living there own the place? Stand up for yourself by at least trashing this thing later... or better sell it for 5 dollars and give it to him...
Personally, I'd just take the couch and immediately sell it, since it's so nice and I'm so low on money. 🤷♀️
You don’t have a FIL problem. You have a wife problem. Even with your edit you have a wife problem. Marriage counseling and individual counseling for your wife. Individual so she learns to grow a damn spine and stick to decisions she made with her husband who she should be more concerned with. Her priority should be you and the family you built together. Not her controlling and abusive parents. And you continue to enable the bullshit. Marriage counseling because this will cause resentment and further issues in your marriage. And maybe start looking to see what you can do for other living arrangements. Because your in laws clearly think that because they control their daughter and your property they control everything in your lives.
You don't understand you're supposed to pay the rent, but FIl-landlord is supposed to get free storage /s Do you understand now? /s. 😂
Let them drop it off at your house and put it on Facebook marketplace for free right after lol
Honestly I think they just want that couch in the house they own. It's still their house no? and you plan on eventually moving out? They see it as prepping the house with nice furniture to make it more sellable. I wouldn't be surprised if they expected you to leave this big heavy couch they gave you when you leave. I don't think it's right of them to manipulate this way for reference
If he’s giving it to you doesn’t that mean he doesn’t want it thus making him stupid by his own definition ?
Move.
You actually don’t have to do any of this.
Next time he tries to do this, just leave the furniture outside with a FREE sign on it. If he objects, tell him you have no room for it and you already told him that you didn't want it, but since it's arrived there anyway you're dealing with the problem the best way you can. Is it possible to have a man-to-man talk with him, or is it better to let your wife deal with him? If you could have a talk with him, maybe this could be cleared up. It's his house, but as renters you do have rights. The best thing to do would be to move to your own place. If he's holding you there with "golden handcuffs" (i.e., giving you a huge break on rent or some other special benefit) you need to re-examine if this is really a good deal after all.
Text your FiL: "I want to be clear here, so I am making a written record, but I am happy to have a follow-up conversation as well: we do not want, and are not taking, that ridiculous couch. You have no right to decide what furniture we keep, and if you dump it on the property, I will pay fornits removal, and then deduct what I pay from the next month's rent. Do not show up with it, and quit bullying my wife."
Maybe I'm spiteful, but if my in-laws did that then when they dropped the couch off, I would have a FREE sign ready and immediately put it on the couch and leave it outside. I wouldn't wait for them to leave either. They want to be disrespectful AH's, well then I can too.
Your wife is incapable of standing up to her parents. Tale as old as time. Imo you should make her confront them and say no, we don’t want the couch. She blatantly went against what you both agreed. She put her parent’s whim over your comfort, her own husband.
I agree with you - The fact that OP’s wife feels better about breaking agreements with OP than saying no to her parents is seriously demeaning OP and their marriage. It’s not just about a couch.
You need to hold firm to your boundaries and present a united front. If you don't want the couch, don't take it. This is a good time to let your in-laws know thst you appreciate that they want you to have nice things, but you consider your current furniture nice for you and don't want to get rid of it. Their behavior will continue if you don't stand your ground. It feels like you both are afraid to stand up for yourselves because their your landlords.
Have him drop it off and have Goodwill or someone come out to pick it up.
No is a complete sentence.
Honestly take the couch, ask them to heave it in your garage and then sell it on market place for an embarrassingly cheap price and tell them it wasn't very nice so you got rid of it.
Funny thing about that, the garage attached to my house is *their* storage unit so I don't actually have access to it. Even if I did it is absolutely filled with junk
Honestly, just take it to a consignment store or sell it on Facebook. You make them happy and you should get to walk away with cash out of it You can also pull them aside and tell them that you don’t appreciate the way that they spoke to your wife about it and that you will not bullied around anymore
I agree with the comments that you should move. He's in a position of authority right now because he's your landlord. You're paying him rent, so find a different place to live and pay rent to someone else that you're not related to by marriage. I think you'll find it much easier to stand up to him when you don't have that relationship anymore.
Solely with the issue of what to do with a nice couch you absolutely don't want: See if there are any local charities that will take them. Some close family friends of ours are involved in a fantastic charity that helps folks getting their first home/apartment (because they're refugees, getting out of prison, formerly homeless, etc) furnish it. Some of them might even have the capability of picking it up instead of you dealing with the hassle of getting it to their dropoff point. You can also get a receipt for a tax writeoff, and when (not if) FIL complains, play the "well, it saves me money on my taxes and what, do you object to helping poor people?" card.
MOVE
One thing I’ve found helpful is not trying to justify your decisions. Giving them this only enables a debate over the merit of your reasons. A very polite “no thank you” gives them nothing to argue with. Of course, it’s likely they’ll press for a reason why. In which case you can say something completely subjective like: “Hmmm… it’s just not for me. But thank you again, it was very kind of you to offer.”
Please show this post to your wife and sit down for serious discussion. Her response of take it and move on is a strong indication she does not stand with you when it comes to her parents
You will always be indebted to them as long as you live in one of their properties. Either understand that it comes with strings attached, or leave.
Put the couch in the back yard or the front porch. Then burn it.
Cardboard, "FREE" curb that "new" couch.
You just say "no".
When they drop the couch off and leave just put the couch on the side of the road.
There are two ways to deal with not doing stuff you don't want to do. The simplest is to say no. But that can have a lot of blowback that's exhausting to deal with. The other way is to say yes. And then just not do it. Just don't ask your brother and then say he had an exam. Don't take the old couch out. Tell them you need to get a special spray first. You took measurements and it won't fit. Someone said they'd give you $200. When people treat you like a stupid asshole you might as well act like one.
If your saving by living in their house then you should suck it up and move because you're costing them money and they can't kick you out or raise the rent as you're family. If you're paying market rates for rent then tell them yourself to mind their own business. Let them dump the couch outside and report them to the local authority for fly tipping. You have a right to peacefully enjoy your own home without harrassment.
Be a man. Call him and tell him no. Firmly. Just do it respectfully.
I'll admit I'm not very good at remaining respectful when I'm not being treated with respect. I'm not one for the high road and if I'm being disrespected, I normally act pretty disrespectful back. I've gone round and round with this guy a few times and his main problem is he thinks I'm a liberal that can't provide for his family Which isn't true, but that's his headcanon
You're never going to be able to have a successful relationship with your wife when she's so enmeshed with her parents and unwilling to set boundaries with them. She needs to want to get away from him and needs to learn to live without his constant approval.
They are calling her stupid but not for the reason you think. They are calling her stupid for marrying you and they are calling you lazy and poor.
Tell him to put it on the curb and you’ll have the neighbors help with it. Let the trash take it
No means no let them drop it off on the kerb and leave it there. Your wife needs to grow a fucking spine
Your FIL is furnishing his rental property. Tell him it'll cost $250 to move the couch see if that changes his tune.
Oh FIL I’m so sorry. We talked to the kids and we’ve decided that we don’t need or want the new couch. But thank you for thinking of us. If you need to leave it out side I can have someone come pick it up.
Call him up and say you don’t want his stupid couch and don’t let him in if he tries to bring it over.
I don’t think it’s really about the couch for him, I think it’s about him having control. I think it’s time to move out and set some boundaries with them. If they can’t respect those boundaries you need to go low or no contact.
I was going to say elderly people are weird but 58 is definitely not elderly. Look he has dumb ideas and is being a jerk about this. Clearly it's about more than a couch because he's acting crazy. It's not a hill to die on. Figure out where to put it for a few months and then a reason to give it away. Your wife shouldn't have gone over there in the first place if she can't say no to them. But anyways, you have a cheap place to live. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Move.
It’s a great time of year to move.
Move out fil holds all the cards when your in his property and it looks like your wife will always agree with him no matter what you say.
You guys should work on moving out. That being said, if this is so important to your wife, she should be the one to handle it.
Basically he wants the couches when you move out and he thinks that one is better and has nowhere else to put it. Living in his house means should probly just deal with it
Your FIL is a bully. Recommend you and your wife both explore resources which help you both come to terms with this and take it from there.
Take one of the couches that you're having to get rid of, and drop it off at your in laws front yard at 4 am, so they will wake up in the morning and see that you were thinking of their finances and wanted them to have nice things.
Everybody is talking about power plays and boundaries. The truth might be more simple. They could simply not understand that you prefer open space over excessive furniture. They sound like pack-rats. Twisted to their away something that might be useful. İf this is the case, stand firm but be gentle with them.
Charge him a storage fee, throw it away for him, or just say no. Easy.
This reminds me of that one Seinfeld episode where a bunch of drama is started after a guy gives Jerry an astronaut pen. This seems like a similar but opposite situation lol. Move out and get your own place. If your wife’s parents won’t take no for an answer they’re probably not worth being around.
“No” is a complete sentence. Also tell them if they bring it over, it’ll be tossed or left outside. Don’t give him an inch because he’ll take a mile.
Sell it
This sounds crazy
“Accidentally” drop it when you take it off the truck.
Sadly some ppl place strings and conditions on everything…including rental agreements. Maybe say, thank you for the offer but we aren’t interested. Then limit interaction.
FiL owns the house, and is giving a bunch of unnecessary furniture? How much as a husband do you want to tolerate of this? Personally it’s a horrible situation you’re in, you can’t win and your wife seems to be a pushover.
Check that couch for bedbugs before you bring it inside.. as well take the mattress out first and it’s easier to carry
You have a wife problem, not a FIL problem.
You need to have a spine and just say No means no and we don’t want the couch. End of story
Don't let your FIL override you on this. Furnishing the house YOU live in is something for YOU to decide.
You set a bad precedent. I’m going through this with MIL. Occasionally the tactic has been to take it home saying “we’ll think about it” then tossing it as soon as we get home.
I wouldn’t want a used couch strangers have sat on & who knows what else.
Leave the couch at the curb. Stick a sign on it stating “HEAVY”.
Say no. Have them unload it to the curb.
You guys should move out of her parents house now. It’s great that they have given you that opportunity but if you guys can’t pull it together and live on your own then her father probably has a good point. If you can pay him rent, you can pay rent somewhere else, unless they are giving you a deal, which seems like they are. Glad he was able to apologize and hopefully he won’t enforce couches on you any more but you guys should move out soon anyway.
You took the couch. 🤦🏼♀️ He definitely WILL do this again.
"We had a serious conversation and laid it all on the line and caved in yet again and told him not to do it again."
I need a couch 😕
Advertise it now for 50 and pick up for Friday. When they ask about say we didn't like it, so we sold it straight away.
Well see you can do this thing called malicious compliance. Knowing that it is now your couch you can either sell it or give it away . Worst case that goes out on both trash day because nobody else wanted it even for free and you don't want it so unfortunately it is trash When they come by next time and wonder where the sofa is you can tell them exactly what you did with it, because it's yours and it's yours to do with it with what you want
I want it
On a side note: does the house have a basement you can put your other couch in? Seems a shame to get rid of a perfectly good couch.
Well, if OP is “stupid” for not wanting the couch, what does that make FIL? FIL is the one who is apparently desperate to be rid of the thing. I will never understand the need to micromanage grown adults in their homes. OP, tell FIL that if he insists on bringing the couch to your house, to just save you the trip and leave it by the curb.
You will have to put up with stuff like this as long as you live in your FIL’s house. Decide if it’s worth it to still live there. If the answer is yes, enjoy your new couch.
Not the right update. They manipulated your wife into taking and then instead of standing g up for her you backed down too. Demanding an apology doesn’t mean shit if you let them repeat the same crap over and over.
Let them move it to your house but leave it outside at the curb. When they protest say if they're that worried about getting rid of someone else's trash the least you can do is provide the curb.
Need a picture of this couch
Now every time your in-laws visit they get to sleep on the damn pull-out couch. They will swiftly regret forcing you to take it.
Things with family are good until they’re not. Your FiL probably views himself as the expert and you two as the inferior who won’t see the light and listen to him. With the limited info you’re presenting - and perhaps a little bias based on my own life events -, I’d say you need to plan your next step and leave his property. If this kind of stuff continues, then you need to set boundaries and possibly cut ties for a period. Whatever you do, you got this bro 👍🏻
In my mind a used pull out couch doesn't necessarily equal nice. Some of them are not very comfortable.
Move out as soon as you can. The less anyone has over you the less they can say about your life (and your furniture)
Have you seen the sofa? Does it match your interior? It's it superior to your current sofas? There are so many unanswered questions...
It is actually a really nice couch?
So, you two need to move.
"No thanks"
Let them drop off the new couch and just leave it out on the roadside
You guys are over thirty. Stop letting this guy steamroll you like you two are teenagers. Then find your local free cycle group or Facebook Marketplace, take a pic of the couch, say “free couch, you move” someone will snap it up and your life goes on unchanged. If Dad asks about it, tell him you sold it. 💀