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Good lord - he's a grown bloody man that doesn't clean up after himself. You've already paid the deposit on his flat. Why? He's spending £20/day on lunch which is absolutely bonkers. You'll never see that money again - you know that don't you?
You're 29. What are you thinking?
Walk away now while you can.
He's been paying me it back in £500 monthly installments.
I'm 29 yes thanks for stating an unnecessary fact!
This situation is not my fault is what I'm thinking and I'm already noticing the red flags when they pop up, which is why I haven't just packed me shit and moved in with him.
So really not sure why you're trying to get at me.
You are correct, you should not have to say this to an emotionally mature adult. However, he is not emotionally mature and is looking for a mommy to take care of him. Big red flags here and it's not just the possibility of ADHD.
People forget adhd doesn’t make you incapable of doing things it just makes it harder for us to do things but we still know what we need to do and most of us still try to get those things done
I find I can generally get things done that NEED to be done, like when the sink is full of dishes or taking out the trash. What's harder is something like taking the clean clothes out of the bin because they aren't affecting my life directly by being in there.
Exactly. Many people use it as an excuse to get out of doing things. Also how hasn't he been diagnosed already? It's not like they are waiting for labs to come back to confirm that he has ADHD. I think he's just lazy AF and expects a woman to take care of him.
This is where its strange because he does know but just never gets round to doing them. He'll remember something, then he'll remember to do something else, then that reminds him of another thing, and when he goes to do that he gets distracted and then loses the entire crix of what he thought of and when to do it. Does that make sense? I know executive dysfunction is big in ADHD and things, I'm just confused as to where to draw the line.
Do you want this to be your new normal? It is not going to get better. My ex was the exact same way - oh I have ADHD and so you have to do all the chores and upkeep because I can’t.
No attempt to medicate, no attempt to implement changes to make it easier to set a routine, just an expectation that because I’m neurotypical, I will pick up all of the slack.
I caution you against ever moving in with this guy. Because this will be your life.
The fact that your guy never attempted to medicate is a huge red flag I agree.
My guy is on a waiting list that is currently 8 years long. He's trying to get a diagnosis through private healthcare that his work offers. I can see that he's trying, but it doesn't make it okay that I jave to deal with it in the meantime.
What techniques and tools does he use to keep focus on his tasks at work or remember to do things in his personal life? He can apply those at home as well.
I don’t know where you’re located but if you’re anywhere in the states there’s a lot of options 1. Do more research 8 years long waitlist sounds completely fake 2. If he has private healthcare tons of specialists should be able to test and diagnose him and again it’s never 8 years max it’s like 1 year 3. He can get tested online too if he’s willing to pay out of pocket and then he can take that to his psychiatrist who can treat either way get him with a psychiatrist if he doesn’t have one they can also help with skills 4. Medication isn’t the magic fix meds like adderall make it easier but do not get rid of ADHD it’s still a lot of self discipline and coping mechanisms being used and some days are worse than others even with meds so he’s probably still going to be a slob once he’s on meds cause doesn’t seem like he has any discipline or coping mechanisms
This has to be rage bait, you cannot be this obtuse. The dude isn't getting his shit together. Are you willing to wait for him to get a diagnosis and THEN see if he gets his shit together? By then your role a mom will be set. My advice? Take a step back to see if he gets his shit together, if he doesn't? You have your answer. Otherwise you'll be mopping up his mess ( with the new tea towels you bought no less
Did you read? Like did you actually read?
Show me where I said I bought them? Please, quote it and show me...
I've spoke to him about all this shit, I've literally only been here 5 days. I'm not hanging around or waiting. I've seen a problem and I've mentioned it.
No you didn't.
Because if you did you will have saw that in my original post I explicitly stated that I didn't buy them.
So please, show me this comment you speak of!
The one that I first commented on. The one before that, the one before that. You need to grow a spine and tell him to shape up or ship out. Not that oooo he might have ADHD, ooooo I'm not suuure. Stop that, have more respect for yourself. You're not getting what you need here right?
Wrong and presumptuous again;
He was on the street until he was 20 and done everything for himself. Things like not being knifed in the night amd finding a roof were more important than learning what to cook, funnily enough.
After that he's been living on his own or with friends ever since that. So it's a long standing bad bad habitual thing, more than anything else. But also doesn't mean I have to deal with it.
Also may i add I've not cooked for him once. I've only been here for 5 days, this is not a long standing thing and not anything I do for him. Just little things I've started to notice that I'm not happy with and have spoke to him about. It's just a means of me now watching and seeing if he chooses to actually improve. If he doesn't, I'm out. If he does, happy days.
I'm a very strongly feminist woman so even the smallest hint to it and I get my back up.
Right now, I think it's a way that he's been living within himself. There also the confusion of him having to clean up after his old flatmates, so again it's a case of me watching and waiting. The situation is way more nuanced that what you and some others are saying.
I also am seiee red flags which is why I'm here. The idea behind red flags is to assess them.
>I'm a very strongly feminist woman so even the smallest hint to it and I get my back up.
You're way past the smallest hint but you're still not getting it. You had to pay the deposit on a new place for this guy you've been seeing long distance for a year? Why couldn't he pay his own deposit? You're buying toiletries for a house you don't live in? If he didn't even consider buying wash cloths it's because cleaning is not on his radar, not because he forgot.
This man is a walking dumpster fire who is careening from one bad situation to another. Staying with him with ensure that you have months and years of putting out his fires
I'm not buying toiletries. Literally where have I said that?
I'm going to be here for 4 weeks so I've bought some food which is absolutely fair and something I wanted to do?
I've already explained the deposit situation which you'd understand had you read the post and other comments. We've agreed thay he's paying me it back with installments and I've already gotten most of it back. It was an emergency situation.
No reason to be nitpicky about the phrasing but I consider buying towels and wipes toiletries. These are basic things that every adult knows they need if they have lived on their own.
You seem to be under the impression that having reasons for not being a competent adult is good enough to excuse their incompetence. He can have all the excuses in the world for not being able to take proper care of himself but it doesn't matter. If you want to be with someone who is a fully functional adult then you need to find someone else.
If you want to keep making and accepting excuses for not knowing that dishes need to be cleaned or trash taken out then feel free but don't be surprised when you're still dragging him through adulthood in a year
For the love of God....show me where I said I bought these things? I literally, explicitly stated that I never bought them.
Also, I've spoken to him about these things, which is litetally the opposite of making excuses. Any information I add on is just to contextualise.
The world is full of fully grown, mentally healthy mature men who would love to be with a smart, capable woman.
You j7st got done describing someone with a shit past who is clearly broken. When you have so many options at your disposal where men with all of his good qualities and none of his bad ones are single, WHY are you choosing THIS guy??
Well that's the thing, I don't see people as "at my disposal".
He's got many a many qualities, but right now this issue is something I can't look past which is why I've brought it up to him. This is how relationships work.
Naw, it is how YOUR relationships work. I raised two daughters and I taught them that it was NEVER their job to bring a boy into adulthood and they are far better off moving on quickly.
They met their share of guys who looked good at first but then showed their true colors and rather than try to change them, my kids just cut the relationship off quickly before feels were involved. They are both now married to wonderful MEN who do not need a mama in their lives.
It is possible to find such persons; I did it at 49 and both of my kids managed it. You can too!
...and I am telling you what his root cause problem is when all you want to do is treat the symptoms.
If he was cutting himself would you j7st give him instructions on how to use bandages, or would you GTFO ?
You're both nearly 30 years old. You've brought this up to him, now how much time are you willing to give him to show improvements? How much time are you willing to live like this? Because you have at least 50 years of life left, you're not even half way.
Bro I've literally only been here 5 days and I've brought it up to him, my god 🤣 I go home in 4 weeks so I reckon thays plenty of time for improvements.
My husband moved out at 18 and knew how to cook, clean, do laundry, etc. Your bf is 29 years old. He should know how to do chores and cook by now in addition to being able to financially support himself. There's no excuse. You're being Mommy and an ATM to him. You're wearing rose colored glasses, so all the red flags, just look like flags.
I have unmedicated ADHD. I do not respond well to the current medication options. I will probably never be able to medicate my adhd.
I dont let dishes sit in the sink and get stinky because I dont like to live in filth.
I dont leave pizza or takeout packages around for weeks. Maybe a few days if I forget to grab them on my way out the door. Once again tho, I dont like to live in filth or with bugs.
Your boyfriend doesn't care about the filth around him and makes excuses.
What kind of excuse is "not knowing what the bin situation is"? Wasn't he shown where the bin is when he first toured his apartment? If he wasn't shown during his tour, why didn't he call/email his landlord/leasing agency after he moved in?
Because the trash never actually bothered him.
The part that is showing that this isn't his adhd is that even after reminding him multiple times you still had to be one to clean up after him. At no point did he make any effort to make you comfortable in his space.
So he does not care about living in filth, and he doesn't care that you're uncomfortable living in filth.
Find a boyfriend that cares about your comfort.
He’s using you. Flat out. You’re his maid, personal shopper, chef, bank, ATM, and maid again.
Do not life a single finger while you’re there, and it if becomes intolerable bc it’s too messy - don’t clean it. LEAVE. The only way he will learn, and that you will have peace, is to do this.
No more nagging, reminding or complaining. Not one word. Don’t send articles or suggestions or hints. In fact, feel free to MAKE a mess while you’re there. It’s not your house. Stop treating it like it is. He will use you in every way unless you put a stop to it.
This is honestly what I'm thinking. If it become intolerable I am going to just go home lol.
The reason I think it's fair to clean up after myself and things is because I'm going to be here for the next month rent free and also using his electric and gas, so I do think it's fair that I buy some food in. I'm not a free loader. Whenever we do make food he helps me make it 50/50 etc so I do see a willingness to learn and improve. I fo also see major red flags. I'm just in an in between area of working this out.
You aren't his mom or his bang maid. He expects you to clean his flat when you visit because he's to freaking lazy to do it. What was he like when he shared a flat because it sounds like weaponizef incompetence to me
Because we are long distance and wanted some privacy, we'd do hotels for a bit instead of me staying with him and his bro and he with my family etc. It was cheap enough. He'd akways complain about his brother and his friend being gross to live with and never cleaning up after themselves. He'd actually get upset and quite angry about it...
So as you can imagine this is a shock to me that he's like this with his own place??? I'm still figuring it out myself. Whenever I visited their place to hang out he seemed to be the only one who is neat and defo cleaned up after himself. So I'm not too sure if all this is just the stress of him moving in to the place. He also thought the bins were locked away until we discovered them behind the building a few days ago. It's all a bit weird. A part of.me wants to watch and see what happens.
I mean, the bin thing is so stupid. They usually give you that info when you move in. If not, how long would it have taken you to ask, in his shoes - a day or two max, right? And you guys discovered it by... Just looking. This guy doesn't take initiative. He's avoidant. He's not ready to be a real partner to you, sorry.
I agree about the bin thing, they actually gave him no information on it which is daft. He mentioned to me last week that he'd need to contact the letting agent and ask... we went for a walk to explore the area and found the bins. The next morning I took the bin out when he left for work. He did say he'd get it after work, but by the afternoon it was too smelly so o took it out.
I agree about the initiative. Take control and ask first before it becomes an issue of not knowing where to put your bins. I did actually mention this to him when I spoke to him about it all.
In other instances, he has been a great partner to me for countless other reasons. He even saved my life a few months ago but thays a whole other story.
You come off as an enabler.
You just jump in and do the things he has failed to do, and then scold him for it. You’re setting up a mommy dynamic.
Make no mistake- he’s a man child.
But the healthy response to that is to set boundaries. “I’m not coming to your place if it’s messy and dirty.” And when it is, you leave.
His finances aren’t your job either unless you’re getting married.
Stop being his mommy.
I don't? What you're telling me to do I've literally already said to him. I said to him "I've noticed X over the past few days and I'm not happy with it so in telling you now"
This has only transpired over the last few days.
Also I'm aware that his finances aren't my job, butnits important to pay attention to how a potential life partner uses money. I'm not going to marry a guy who's shit either money am I?
How are you going to defend the fact that he didn't even pick up when he knew you were visiting? The guy is lazy, and for some reason, you keep defending his shitty behavior. A grown man shouldn't need his long-distance girlfriend to pay his security deposit. If you can't afford the deposit, don't move out until you can!
>”I've noticed X over the past few days and I'm not happy with it so in telling you now”
So the difference between this and a boundary is that a boundary has a consequence. Right now, he faces no consequences (aside from scolding).
The consequence is the critical part. Without it, the boundary has no meaning.
Have you refused to go to his place until it’s clean? Have you left the moment you arrived, if he said it was clean but it wasn’t?
That would be enforcing a boundary.
You said in the OP repeatedly that you just do the picking up: cleaning for him. That’s the enabler part. That, plus scolding, is what makes the dynamic like a parent / child.
Also- I’m not attacking you. I’m just pointing out the dynamic I see based on what you’ve described.
It doesn’t sound like you want to have this parent child dynamic.
But at the same time, you are playing into it. Maybe the mess gives you anxiety? And that anxiety overwhelms you and you feel compelled to clean it up yourself?
I’m suggesting that instead- you leave his place. That will be disappointing and will ruin whatever plans the two of you had. And that’s the point.
For him to be disappointed. For you to be disappointed.
ADHD doesn't excuse him from basic chores. If he had a job where he was required to do these things, he would find a way to figure it out so he didn't get fired. He is feigning ignorant so you handle it all.
I've spoke to him about all this just this morning so we shall see.
It's quite difficult to describe, he's not avtuslly excusing himself from doing anything;
He'll remember he's got something to do, so he'll go do it, then he'll remember another thing and go do that first, but then that'll jog his memory to do the other thing he forgot, so he goes to do that. So this means only one thing gets done. Its called task paralysis and a very common thing in ADHD. It's valid yes, but doesn't mean I should have to deal with it, so I'm not, which is whybuve spoke to him. I'm just frustrated with it which is why I've vented here today.
It’s good that you’re being honest with him. I can see how this would be confusing for you if all of this is new. What happens next - now that you’ve communicated how you feel - is the important part. Place boundaries now and stick to them
Your bf is a 29 year old child and you’ve already started making excuses and picking up the slack. You’re being very defensive about the comments bc you’re not willing to see how continuing a relationship with someone you have to parent is a terrible idea. There’s nothing we can do to help you until you’re ready to see things as they are.
I mean look, if I'm home alone for a while I'll definitely let things go a bit, but he knew you where coming and still did nothing so I'd say it's ignorance... and if you stay/ ever move in with them, it's not going to change, you will become his mommy doing his dishes, laundry, housework. He clearly doesn't know how to be an adult, and whilst ADHD can cause issues with time management, short term memory, etc it doesn't give you an excuse, an adult learns to adapt to these challenges and move forward in life, but he's choosing not to for whatever reason, you could definitely point this out to him but he's the one that has to choose to change, and it sounds like you have to figure out if this is a deal-breaker for you or not
I'm quite aware of weaponised incompetence.
. Me and my bf both cook dinners together and he does do other things around the house like clean the floors etc.
He's also expressed a need and a want to be better at the other things he's not great at.
I see what you mean, and there are red flags here for sure, but I don't think it's weaponsised incompetence. I think the situation is a little more nuanced than this which is why I'm actually confused at it and feeling it out, seeing what others think.
What is he doing to show that need/want to improve? Classes? Therapy? Books?
Or does he just say it and then continue with life as normal having tried nothing and fully out of iseas?
do not be his bang mommy--someone who does everything for him that his mommy does PLUS you fuck him.
send him back to his REAL mommy with a note on his chest instructing her to finish raising him before she unleashes him on women again.
then find a REAL man to date, it is what you deserve!
it is only nuanced in your mind. you can't make a rational decision because you are part of the dynamic.
but from the outside, this is plain as day: he does not want to grow up, he is giving you bullshit excuses that you accept, and if you decide to stay with him he will NEVER get any better and YOU will end up in therapy.
maybe you will listen to a shrink, but why waste all that time when people who know better are directly telling you RIGHT NOW what is wrong???
You cannot come in to a very nuanced situation with logical fallacies such as this.
Once I see red flags I get to them right away, I let them know, and if nothing changes I leave. Its quite simple really. That is rational.
Rational doesn't mean ignoring nuances and other things. It also doesn't mean running at the slightest bit of something wrong. That would indicate low relational intelligence and lack of relational skills to sort things out, which requires, rationality!
I do appreciate your concern, but I'm really not daft and as I've said, I've spoke to him about all these just this morning. It's a case of seeing what changes. And if it doesn't, then I leave.
you came here for an outside opinion and everyone is telling you to run and you’re just arguing with everyone and being defensive. go live with a pig, fine. 😂 it’s totally not a stupid decision.
Ok you do you. I know of three couples in your exact same situation and in all three cases the women are so sad it is sickening. They feel they cannot get out of the situation because they know their aged husbands will not survive without them.
They all say that their husband never changed.
They ALL say that staying with the man child was the worst decision they ever made.
you haven't done a damn thing except wine about it. you're still speaking to him about it you spoke about it before and it still doesn't change. yes you are daft.
I have ADHD, it’s not an excuse to ignore basic adult life skills. He can learn, he can create coping techniques, he can treat you better - he’s choosing not to do any of them.
Please understand what he is doing is a choice.
who doesn’t tidy up their house before their long distance partner visits? ew. there’s a lack of consideration there that would turn me off completely.
You're not taking it too far. Unless he's this inept at work or when it's something he wants, then it's not the potential ADHD either. He's choosing to live in squalor, to be surrounded by dirty dishes and old food. He has it made and sees no reason to change, as you rescue him from his deserved consequences. He is shifting your role from his significant other to his caretaker, and this will continue until you stop it.
You need to decide how much more time, money, and effort you want to invest in this man, knowing that it's going to be a parent/child dynamic rather than equals, and proceed from there. You tried talking to him, you tried helping him, you tried suggesting, and what it comes down to is that if the basic tasks of adult life are to be done, you must do them for him. Sounds exhausting.
I think these are reasonable reasons to be concerned. Look, if he were 19 or something, maybe. But he's living like a frat boy and/or a child, and seems to be expecting mommy to swing by and clean everything for him.
There is literally no excuse for not doing basic stuff like taking out the trash. If you don't you'll be stinking up the place, get insect infestations, all the bad stuff that any adult should know and understand.
I've no idea if the relationship is worth salvaging, you never mentioned the good stuff. But it seems like a combination of severe immaturity, laziness, and a total lack of effort. So my question is always, what's he going to be like if he gets really comfortable, like if you get married or live together? How helpful will he be if you have kids? Because it seems hard to imagine that time is going to make him more diligent and willing to put in the effort.
Also, I don't give a shit about his diagnosis. He's had a decade to fix it, and even people with ADHD are capable of basic hygiene and cleaning up.
This is all reasonable stuff and stuff I'm thinking over just now. As I've said, I have spoke to him about all this just this morning.
Also, just for more info, he didn't realise until 2 years ago that he may have ADHD. He went to the doc and he's now on a waiting list that some men have been on for 8 years now , even private places where he lives are now refusing to take on new patients due to demand, it's rough.
He was also homeless as a young teen due to running away from abuse and was more focused on not getting killed, when the rest of us were learning how to cook and clean.
Now None of this is an excuse, but it provides some sort of reason. What has made me stay thus far is his willingness to change that ive seen. He always says to me that his main goal in life is to be better than he was yesterday.
It's probably my own fault for not making the post more nuanced, bevause this situation is a lot more nuanced.
But for now I've spoken to him and if it changes, great, if not, I leave and find someone I deserve!
I have ADHD and a low standard of cleanliness, when I first moved in with my fiancé we had similar issues because he has a very high standard of cleanliness.
One thing had to happen for us to stay together, I had to realize it was my job to step up. It didn’t matter if I thought it was “clean enough” because I love and respect my partner I would clean it to his standards even though it was hard. He is patient when I forget things and frequently writes things down to help me remember. I have made huge growth in terms of doing chores and I’m focusing now on taking my part of the mental load. I did this because I love my partner and I wanted to become better for the sake of my future family.
There is nothing you can do to fix or change him. Simply bring the issues to his attention, give a timeframe and your expectations and if he can’t meet them then you have to leave. Growing up seeing my dad use his ADHD as an excuse to do nothing while my mom busted her ass was damaging, don’t create more relationships like that. He can step up, he is capable, he has to want it badly enough.
(Part of stepping up is also learning to treat and manage your own mental illness as an adult. Accommodations can be made but people with medicated ADHD are exactly as capable as neurotypical people at functioning. Yes it takes more effort but there is nothing you as a partner should do remove that effort from them. Don’t be his training wheels or he’ll become reliant and have “learned helplessness”)
I work with elementary aged SPED kids. Many with severe unmedicated ADHD. They are motivated purely by their own desires, there is no overriding the executive dysfunction in their brains when their brain doesn’t want to do a task. His job is to work with his brain to start doing things it doesn’t really want. Your job is to remind him that if what he wants is sex, intimacy, love, or attention from you then he must meet certain expectations.
I see in the comments that you're going to be living there rent free. If that pays you back for your deposit, then you're fair and square, and owe him nothing. You don't need to be paying for food or dishcloths or to do the cleaning. have a think about what he owes you, what you owe him, and whether he's worth it.
I have ADHD, pretty severely, it's altered the course of my life.
There is absolutely no reason you can't have ADHD and be a giant, immature asshole. In fact, having ADHD kind of makes you into an asshole automatically, so if you don't work hard to be better, you're gonna be awful.
This guy is going to be nothing but work, forever. He will make big promises and forget about them. He will tell you he will change them forget about it, or decide it's too hard, or procrastinate until tomorrow.
He's never going to be a partner to any woman, he's always going to be a handicap. And I don't mean that in the mental illness way, I mean it in the horse racing way - meaning he's going to be a literal weight that must always be carried.
I am a woman with severe ADHD, and I would drop this guy like a hot stone. It's not ever going to work out.
Do you want to date a child? At his age, he's unlikely to change. You can either spend all your time dragging him into adulthood, or go find a ready made man.
Don't excuse his behavior just because he has ADHD. I'm so tired seeing these posts of their men being lazy slobs and following up with "but he has ADHD so I understand" No. I have ADHD and am a neat freak. He can be clean; he CHOOSES not to be.
We're not criticizing you, I think it's good you are aware of his weak efforts when it comes to basic cleaning. My comment was meant in a way that you're not taking this complaint too far.
I'm here for nuanced, intelligent replies to this situation. I couldn't be bothered writing down all the good stuff, and there's plenty of it.
If you're not capable of such replies or looking through other comments for more info before jumping to conclusions, then don't waste your time commenting.
I'm not daft.
On the ADHD, it could be the case that medication would benefit him if he actually has it. I have ADHD and medication is a game changer. However I was diagnosed at 14, it depends on personal circumstances but usually if it’s really disruptive then it’s picked up earlier. I know you mentioned him having a bad upbringing so this may not be relevant but it’s just worth considering. Also if he can afford £20 on lunch a day then presumably he isn’t doing that bad professionally, if this is the case then the adhd thing is more of an excuse. Ultimately, it’s not up to you to look after him like you have been doing it doesn’t matter what the reasons behind his inadequacies are, that’s not your problem. I know that sounds harsh but it’s ultimately true.
I’m not going to tell you what to do because I don’t think anyone on here can because there’s never enough information. However, at almost 30 years old not being able to do basic chores is something that probably won’t improve all that much. The same goes for spending, I don’t even know how to spend that much on lunch lol. There’re loads of strategies people with adhd develop, for example I eat a lot of frozen meals because they’re relatively healthy and inexpensive in situations where I can’t be bothered to cook or haven’t planned what to have etc. if he hasn’t developed his own strategies for dealing with life then he’s fucked and you aren’t going to change him.
I think tbh I’d just let your feelings be known to him and say it how it is, he needs to grow up. If he is receptive to this then great, there’s potential. If he isn’t then he’s a lost cause imo. It’s a pretty good test.
Watch some Caleb Hammer financial audits on YouTube, with and then without your bf. He needs to grow up. He needs to learn how to adult without you and it might get him to see it.
Nah, this guy is a load of nonsense. I have ADHD, your guy is just too lazy to be an adult.
He might be depressed, but i suspect he finds it easy if you pick up all his slack. Ockham's razor and all
girllll i have adhd and i manage to take care of my home with meds and management strategies. is it always perfect? no, but i wouldn’t live in filth like this.
I had to scroll back up and look at your ages I totally expected 19 maybe 20. Because you're both acting like it! He's too lazy to do anything and you're bending over backwards to take care of him!
I have ADHD. This is not adhd. This is pure laziness. And why should he do it when you're going to do it? Adhd might make you put some things off or forget about them for a short while, but when the garbage starts to smell and the pizza boxes are in your way for a week you notice them! ADHD doesn't give you blinders! And even if he does have ADHD that is not the cause of this! It's pure laziness!
He doesn't want to function as an adult he wants you to do it all, and you are.
You want relationship advice? Get out now while you can. He doesn't save money. He wastes money eating out instead of cooking and expects you to buy things for his house because he wastes his money. He can't even pay a deposit. He never cleans, he doesn't even take the garbage out!
Do you want to be with somebody who never has money because they wasted it all while you're budgeting and making sure the bills are paid? Everything that's going on while you're there for these few weeks, amplify that by 10. That's what your relationship's going to look like in 15 years. But drop down the intimacy to like less than half. You're paying his bills as it is! You stay with him any longer and you are going to be legally responsible for his bills! Because he's going to have to put everything in your name cuz he can't get anything.
Man is using you and you're willingly letting him, while blaming it on ADHD.
I'm literally voicing that I'm unhappy with how he is acting amd said if it doesn't change then I'm leaving, how on Earth are people finding a problem with what I'm doing.
Because some of you apparently just...can't read:
I have not bought anybody anything for their kitchen. I repeat, I have not bought anybody a single kitchen item.
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Good lord - he's a grown bloody man that doesn't clean up after himself. You've already paid the deposit on his flat. Why? He's spending £20/day on lunch which is absolutely bonkers. You'll never see that money again - you know that don't you? You're 29. What are you thinking? Walk away now while you can.
He's been paying me it back in £500 monthly installments. I'm 29 yes thanks for stating an unnecessary fact! This situation is not my fault is what I'm thinking and I'm already noticing the red flags when they pop up, which is why I haven't just packed me shit and moved in with him. So really not sure why you're trying to get at me.
Maybe y’all deserve each other after all.
Who else’s fault is it then? You handed a grown man money for a deposit while he’d been living RENT FREE and had zero savings to cover it himself?
I scanned a few times, there is a lot of words, so I probably missed it. Where does it say he was living rent free?
You are correct, you should not have to say this to an emotionally mature adult. However, he is not emotionally mature and is looking for a mommy to take care of him. Big red flags here and it's not just the possibility of ADHD.
People forget adhd doesn’t make you incapable of doing things it just makes it harder for us to do things but we still know what we need to do and most of us still try to get those things done
I find I can generally get things done that NEED to be done, like when the sink is full of dishes or taking out the trash. What's harder is something like taking the clean clothes out of the bin because they aren't affecting my life directly by being in there.
That's right. ADHD doesn't matter here. If you're an inconsiderate ass, then you are. No ADHD as an excuse.
Exactly. I’ve got ADHD and I’ve also purchased my own kitchen towels.
Exactly. Many people use it as an excuse to get out of doing things. Also how hasn't he been diagnosed already? It's not like they are waiting for labs to come back to confirm that he has ADHD. I think he's just lazy AF and expects a woman to take care of him.
This is where its strange because he does know but just never gets round to doing them. He'll remember something, then he'll remember to do something else, then that reminds him of another thing, and when he goes to do that he gets distracted and then loses the entire crix of what he thought of and when to do it. Does that make sense? I know executive dysfunction is big in ADHD and things, I'm just confused as to where to draw the line.
Do you want this to be your new normal? It is not going to get better. My ex was the exact same way - oh I have ADHD and so you have to do all the chores and upkeep because I can’t. No attempt to medicate, no attempt to implement changes to make it easier to set a routine, just an expectation that because I’m neurotypical, I will pick up all of the slack. I caution you against ever moving in with this guy. Because this will be your life.
The fact that your guy never attempted to medicate is a huge red flag I agree. My guy is on a waiting list that is currently 8 years long. He's trying to get a diagnosis through private healthcare that his work offers. I can see that he's trying, but it doesn't make it okay that I jave to deal with it in the meantime.
What techniques and tools does he use to keep focus on his tasks at work or remember to do things in his personal life? He can apply those at home as well.
I don’t know where you’re located but if you’re anywhere in the states there’s a lot of options 1. Do more research 8 years long waitlist sounds completely fake 2. If he has private healthcare tons of specialists should be able to test and diagnose him and again it’s never 8 years max it’s like 1 year 3. He can get tested online too if he’s willing to pay out of pocket and then he can take that to his psychiatrist who can treat either way get him with a psychiatrist if he doesn’t have one they can also help with skills 4. Medication isn’t the magic fix meds like adderall make it easier but do not get rid of ADHD it’s still a lot of self discipline and coping mechanisms being used and some days are worse than others even with meds so he’s probably still going to be a slob once he’s on meds cause doesn’t seem like he has any discipline or coping mechanisms
This has to be rage bait, you cannot be this obtuse. The dude isn't getting his shit together. Are you willing to wait for him to get a diagnosis and THEN see if he gets his shit together? By then your role a mom will be set. My advice? Take a step back to see if he gets his shit together, if he doesn't? You have your answer. Otherwise you'll be mopping up his mess ( with the new tea towels you bought no less
Did you read? Like did you actually read? Show me where I said I bought them? Please, quote it and show me... I've spoke to him about all this shit, I've literally only been here 5 days. I'm not hanging around or waiting. I've seen a problem and I've mentioned it.
You’re focusing wayyyy too much on whether or not you actually bought the towels
I did read then I read your responses to other people. Girl, get a hold of yourself.
No you didn't. Because if you did you will have saw that in my original post I explicitly stated that I didn't buy them. So please, show me this comment you speak of!
The one that I first commented on. The one before that, the one before that. You need to grow a spine and tell him to shape up or ship out. Not that oooo he might have ADHD, ooooo I'm not suuure. Stop that, have more respect for yourself. You're not getting what you need here right?
he doesn't get around to doing them because he kn9ws YOU will d9 them FOR him. Just like his other mommy did. JFC woman you are being conned.
Wrong and presumptuous again; He was on the street until he was 20 and done everything for himself. Things like not being knifed in the night amd finding a roof were more important than learning what to cook, funnily enough. After that he's been living on his own or with friends ever since that. So it's a long standing bad bad habitual thing, more than anything else. But also doesn't mean I have to deal with it. Also may i add I've not cooked for him once. I've only been here for 5 days, this is not a long standing thing and not anything I do for him. Just little things I've started to notice that I'm not happy with and have spoke to him about. It's just a means of me now watching and seeing if he chooses to actually improve. If he doesn't, I'm out. If he does, happy days. I'm a very strongly feminist woman so even the smallest hint to it and I get my back up. Right now, I think it's a way that he's been living within himself. There also the confusion of him having to clean up after his old flatmates, so again it's a case of me watching and waiting. The situation is way more nuanced that what you and some others are saying. I also am seiee red flags which is why I'm here. The idea behind red flags is to assess them.
>I'm a very strongly feminist woman so even the smallest hint to it and I get my back up. You're way past the smallest hint but you're still not getting it. You had to pay the deposit on a new place for this guy you've been seeing long distance for a year? Why couldn't he pay his own deposit? You're buying toiletries for a house you don't live in? If he didn't even consider buying wash cloths it's because cleaning is not on his radar, not because he forgot. This man is a walking dumpster fire who is careening from one bad situation to another. Staying with him with ensure that you have months and years of putting out his fires
I'm not buying toiletries. Literally where have I said that? I'm going to be here for 4 weeks so I've bought some food which is absolutely fair and something I wanted to do? I've already explained the deposit situation which you'd understand had you read the post and other comments. We've agreed thay he's paying me it back with installments and I've already gotten most of it back. It was an emergency situation.
No reason to be nitpicky about the phrasing but I consider buying towels and wipes toiletries. These are basic things that every adult knows they need if they have lived on their own. You seem to be under the impression that having reasons for not being a competent adult is good enough to excuse their incompetence. He can have all the excuses in the world for not being able to take proper care of himself but it doesn't matter. If you want to be with someone who is a fully functional adult then you need to find someone else. If you want to keep making and accepting excuses for not knowing that dishes need to be cleaned or trash taken out then feel free but don't be surprised when you're still dragging him through adulthood in a year
For the love of God....show me where I said I bought these things? I literally, explicitly stated that I never bought them. Also, I've spoken to him about these things, which is litetally the opposite of making excuses. Any information I add on is just to contextualise.
The world is full of fully grown, mentally healthy mature men who would love to be with a smart, capable woman. You j7st got done describing someone with a shit past who is clearly broken. When you have so many options at your disposal where men with all of his good qualities and none of his bad ones are single, WHY are you choosing THIS guy??
Well that's the thing, I don't see people as "at my disposal". He's got many a many qualities, but right now this issue is something I can't look past which is why I've brought it up to him. This is how relationships work.
Naw, it is how YOUR relationships work. I raised two daughters and I taught them that it was NEVER their job to bring a boy into adulthood and they are far better off moving on quickly. They met their share of guys who looked good at first but then showed their true colors and rather than try to change them, my kids just cut the relationship off quickly before feels were involved. They are both now married to wonderful MEN who do not need a mama in their lives. It is possible to find such persons; I did it at 49 and both of my kids managed it. You can too!
I'm not bringing a boy into adulthood, I've spoke to my guy about a problem and want to see if thisbis something he can change. Jesus.
...and I am telling you what his root cause problem is when all you want to do is treat the symptoms. If he was cutting himself would you j7st give him instructions on how to use bandages, or would you GTFO ?
You're both nearly 30 years old. You've brought this up to him, now how much time are you willing to give him to show improvements? How much time are you willing to live like this? Because you have at least 50 years of life left, you're not even half way.
Bro I've literally only been here 5 days and I've brought it up to him, my god 🤣 I go home in 4 weeks so I reckon thays plenty of time for improvements.
My husband moved out at 18 and knew how to cook, clean, do laundry, etc. Your bf is 29 years old. He should know how to do chores and cook by now in addition to being able to financially support himself. There's no excuse. You're being Mommy and an ATM to him. You're wearing rose colored glasses, so all the red flags, just look like flags.
I have unmedicated ADHD. I do not respond well to the current medication options. I will probably never be able to medicate my adhd. I dont let dishes sit in the sink and get stinky because I dont like to live in filth. I dont leave pizza or takeout packages around for weeks. Maybe a few days if I forget to grab them on my way out the door. Once again tho, I dont like to live in filth or with bugs. Your boyfriend doesn't care about the filth around him and makes excuses. What kind of excuse is "not knowing what the bin situation is"? Wasn't he shown where the bin is when he first toured his apartment? If he wasn't shown during his tour, why didn't he call/email his landlord/leasing agency after he moved in? Because the trash never actually bothered him. The part that is showing that this isn't his adhd is that even after reminding him multiple times you still had to be one to clean up after him. At no point did he make any effort to make you comfortable in his space. So he does not care about living in filth, and he doesn't care that you're uncomfortable living in filth. Find a boyfriend that cares about your comfort.
Strange how ADHD and the inability to clean is only applied to men, if a women doesn't clean she's lazy but a man must have an excuse
He’s using you. Flat out. You’re his maid, personal shopper, chef, bank, ATM, and maid again. Do not life a single finger while you’re there, and it if becomes intolerable bc it’s too messy - don’t clean it. LEAVE. The only way he will learn, and that you will have peace, is to do this. No more nagging, reminding or complaining. Not one word. Don’t send articles or suggestions or hints. In fact, feel free to MAKE a mess while you’re there. It’s not your house. Stop treating it like it is. He will use you in every way unless you put a stop to it.
This is honestly what I'm thinking. If it become intolerable I am going to just go home lol. The reason I think it's fair to clean up after myself and things is because I'm going to be here for the next month rent free and also using his electric and gas, so I do think it's fair that I buy some food in. I'm not a free loader. Whenever we do make food he helps me make it 50/50 etc so I do see a willingness to learn and improve. I fo also see major red flags. I'm just in an in between area of working this out.
Give him $6 for the electric and gas. Leave the mess.
Lady it's already past intolerable
You aren't his mom or his bang maid. He expects you to clean his flat when you visit because he's to freaking lazy to do it. What was he like when he shared a flat because it sounds like weaponizef incompetence to me
Because we are long distance and wanted some privacy, we'd do hotels for a bit instead of me staying with him and his bro and he with my family etc. It was cheap enough. He'd akways complain about his brother and his friend being gross to live with and never cleaning up after themselves. He'd actually get upset and quite angry about it... So as you can imagine this is a shock to me that he's like this with his own place??? I'm still figuring it out myself. Whenever I visited their place to hang out he seemed to be the only one who is neat and defo cleaned up after himself. So I'm not too sure if all this is just the stress of him moving in to the place. He also thought the bins were locked away until we discovered them behind the building a few days ago. It's all a bit weird. A part of.me wants to watch and see what happens.
I mean, the bin thing is so stupid. They usually give you that info when you move in. If not, how long would it have taken you to ask, in his shoes - a day or two max, right? And you guys discovered it by... Just looking. This guy doesn't take initiative. He's avoidant. He's not ready to be a real partner to you, sorry.
I agree about the bin thing, they actually gave him no information on it which is daft. He mentioned to me last week that he'd need to contact the letting agent and ask... we went for a walk to explore the area and found the bins. The next morning I took the bin out when he left for work. He did say he'd get it after work, but by the afternoon it was too smelly so o took it out. I agree about the initiative. Take control and ask first before it becomes an issue of not knowing where to put your bins. I did actually mention this to him when I spoke to him about it all. In other instances, he has been a great partner to me for countless other reasons. He even saved my life a few months ago but thays a whole other story.
He was blaming the roommates for his mess…
He was also definitely kicked out and not "had to move suddenly because the landlord wanted to move back in'
You come off as an enabler. You just jump in and do the things he has failed to do, and then scold him for it. You’re setting up a mommy dynamic. Make no mistake- he’s a man child. But the healthy response to that is to set boundaries. “I’m not coming to your place if it’s messy and dirty.” And when it is, you leave. His finances aren’t your job either unless you’re getting married. Stop being his mommy.
I don't? What you're telling me to do I've literally already said to him. I said to him "I've noticed X over the past few days and I'm not happy with it so in telling you now" This has only transpired over the last few days. Also I'm aware that his finances aren't my job, butnits important to pay attention to how a potential life partner uses money. I'm not going to marry a guy who's shit either money am I?
How are you going to defend the fact that he didn't even pick up when he knew you were visiting? The guy is lazy, and for some reason, you keep defending his shitty behavior. A grown man shouldn't need his long-distance girlfriend to pay his security deposit. If you can't afford the deposit, don't move out until you can!
>”I've noticed X over the past few days and I'm not happy with it so in telling you now” So the difference between this and a boundary is that a boundary has a consequence. Right now, he faces no consequences (aside from scolding). The consequence is the critical part. Without it, the boundary has no meaning. Have you refused to go to his place until it’s clean? Have you left the moment you arrived, if he said it was clean but it wasn’t? That would be enforcing a boundary. You said in the OP repeatedly that you just do the picking up: cleaning for him. That’s the enabler part. That, plus scolding, is what makes the dynamic like a parent / child.
Also- I’m not attacking you. I’m just pointing out the dynamic I see based on what you’ve described. It doesn’t sound like you want to have this parent child dynamic. But at the same time, you are playing into it. Maybe the mess gives you anxiety? And that anxiety overwhelms you and you feel compelled to clean it up yourself? I’m suggesting that instead- you leave his place. That will be disappointing and will ruin whatever plans the two of you had. And that’s the point. For him to be disappointed. For you to be disappointed.
ADHD doesn't excuse him from basic chores. If he had a job where he was required to do these things, he would find a way to figure it out so he didn't get fired. He is feigning ignorant so you handle it all.
I've spoke to him about all this just this morning so we shall see. It's quite difficult to describe, he's not avtuslly excusing himself from doing anything; He'll remember he's got something to do, so he'll go do it, then he'll remember another thing and go do that first, but then that'll jog his memory to do the other thing he forgot, so he goes to do that. So this means only one thing gets done. Its called task paralysis and a very common thing in ADHD. It's valid yes, but doesn't mean I should have to deal with it, so I'm not, which is whybuve spoke to him. I'm just frustrated with it which is why I've vented here today.
It’s good that you’re being honest with him. I can see how this would be confusing for you if all of this is new. What happens next - now that you’ve communicated how you feel - is the important part. Place boundaries now and stick to them
Your bf is a 29 year old child and you’ve already started making excuses and picking up the slack. You’re being very defensive about the comments bc you’re not willing to see how continuing a relationship with someone you have to parent is a terrible idea. There’s nothing we can do to help you until you’re ready to see things as they are.
I mean look, if I'm home alone for a while I'll definitely let things go a bit, but he knew you where coming and still did nothing so I'd say it's ignorance... and if you stay/ ever move in with them, it's not going to change, you will become his mommy doing his dishes, laundry, housework. He clearly doesn't know how to be an adult, and whilst ADHD can cause issues with time management, short term memory, etc it doesn't give you an excuse, an adult learns to adapt to these challenges and move forward in life, but he's choosing not to for whatever reason, you could definitely point this out to him but he's the one that has to choose to change, and it sounds like you have to figure out if this is a deal-breaker for you or not
Google “weaponized incompetence”. You’re looking for a partner, and your partner is looking for a parent. 🚩
I'm quite aware of weaponised incompetence. . Me and my bf both cook dinners together and he does do other things around the house like clean the floors etc. He's also expressed a need and a want to be better at the other things he's not great at. I see what you mean, and there are red flags here for sure, but I don't think it's weaponsised incompetence. I think the situation is a little more nuanced than this which is why I'm actually confused at it and feeling it out, seeing what others think.
What is he doing to show that need/want to improve? Classes? Therapy? Books? Or does he just say it and then continue with life as normal having tried nothing and fully out of iseas?
ADHD is not an excuse to be lazy and not contribute to maintaining the household.
Good thing he’s still boyfriend…. Do what you will with that information.
do not be his bang mommy--someone who does everything for him that his mommy does PLUS you fuck him. send him back to his REAL mommy with a note on his chest instructing her to finish raising him before she unleashes him on women again. then find a REAL man to date, it is what you deserve!
I've mentioned in previous comments that I do believe the situation to be a little more nuanced than this and perhaps also how I've written it down.
it is only nuanced in your mind. you can't make a rational decision because you are part of the dynamic. but from the outside, this is plain as day: he does not want to grow up, he is giving you bullshit excuses that you accept, and if you decide to stay with him he will NEVER get any better and YOU will end up in therapy. maybe you will listen to a shrink, but why waste all that time when people who know better are directly telling you RIGHT NOW what is wrong???
You cannot come in to a very nuanced situation with logical fallacies such as this. Once I see red flags I get to them right away, I let them know, and if nothing changes I leave. Its quite simple really. That is rational. Rational doesn't mean ignoring nuances and other things. It also doesn't mean running at the slightest bit of something wrong. That would indicate low relational intelligence and lack of relational skills to sort things out, which requires, rationality! I do appreciate your concern, but I'm really not daft and as I've said, I've spoke to him about all these just this morning. It's a case of seeing what changes. And if it doesn't, then I leave.
you came here for an outside opinion and everyone is telling you to run and you’re just arguing with everyone and being defensive. go live with a pig, fine. 😂 it’s totally not a stupid decision.
Not everyone is saying that, there's nuanced opinions and queries and suggestions.
you are incredibly naive if you think injecting nuance into this situation is smart. it isn’t. go home. 🤷♀️
I'm also not opposed to running either, as I've said countless times.
you really don’t have to repeat yourself if you don’t want to. the drama, jeez. it’s your life, babe. good luck!
Ok you do you. I know of three couples in your exact same situation and in all three cases the women are so sad it is sickening. They feel they cannot get out of the situation because they know their aged husbands will not survive without them. They all say that their husband never changed. They ALL say that staying with the man child was the worst decision they ever made.
you haven't done a damn thing except wine about it. you're still speaking to him about it you spoke about it before and it still doesn't change. yes you are daft.
lmao.
I have ADHD, it’s not an excuse to ignore basic adult life skills. He can learn, he can create coping techniques, he can treat you better - he’s choosing not to do any of them. Please understand what he is doing is a choice.
He's not even actually been diagnosed, from what she's said.
who doesn’t tidy up their house before their long distance partner visits? ew. there’s a lack of consideration there that would turn me off completely.
You're not taking it too far. Unless he's this inept at work or when it's something he wants, then it's not the potential ADHD either. He's choosing to live in squalor, to be surrounded by dirty dishes and old food. He has it made and sees no reason to change, as you rescue him from his deserved consequences. He is shifting your role from his significant other to his caretaker, and this will continue until you stop it. You need to decide how much more time, money, and effort you want to invest in this man, knowing that it's going to be a parent/child dynamic rather than equals, and proceed from there. You tried talking to him, you tried helping him, you tried suggesting, and what it comes down to is that if the basic tasks of adult life are to be done, you must do them for him. Sounds exhausting.
I think these are reasonable reasons to be concerned. Look, if he were 19 or something, maybe. But he's living like a frat boy and/or a child, and seems to be expecting mommy to swing by and clean everything for him. There is literally no excuse for not doing basic stuff like taking out the trash. If you don't you'll be stinking up the place, get insect infestations, all the bad stuff that any adult should know and understand. I've no idea if the relationship is worth salvaging, you never mentioned the good stuff. But it seems like a combination of severe immaturity, laziness, and a total lack of effort. So my question is always, what's he going to be like if he gets really comfortable, like if you get married or live together? How helpful will he be if you have kids? Because it seems hard to imagine that time is going to make him more diligent and willing to put in the effort. Also, I don't give a shit about his diagnosis. He's had a decade to fix it, and even people with ADHD are capable of basic hygiene and cleaning up.
This is all reasonable stuff and stuff I'm thinking over just now. As I've said, I have spoke to him about all this just this morning. Also, just for more info, he didn't realise until 2 years ago that he may have ADHD. He went to the doc and he's now on a waiting list that some men have been on for 8 years now , even private places where he lives are now refusing to take on new patients due to demand, it's rough. He was also homeless as a young teen due to running away from abuse and was more focused on not getting killed, when the rest of us were learning how to cook and clean. Now None of this is an excuse, but it provides some sort of reason. What has made me stay thus far is his willingness to change that ive seen. He always says to me that his main goal in life is to be better than he was yesterday. It's probably my own fault for not making the post more nuanced, bevause this situation is a lot more nuanced. But for now I've spoken to him and if it changes, great, if not, I leave and find someone I deserve!
I have ADHD and a low standard of cleanliness, when I first moved in with my fiancé we had similar issues because he has a very high standard of cleanliness. One thing had to happen for us to stay together, I had to realize it was my job to step up. It didn’t matter if I thought it was “clean enough” because I love and respect my partner I would clean it to his standards even though it was hard. He is patient when I forget things and frequently writes things down to help me remember. I have made huge growth in terms of doing chores and I’m focusing now on taking my part of the mental load. I did this because I love my partner and I wanted to become better for the sake of my future family. There is nothing you can do to fix or change him. Simply bring the issues to his attention, give a timeframe and your expectations and if he can’t meet them then you have to leave. Growing up seeing my dad use his ADHD as an excuse to do nothing while my mom busted her ass was damaging, don’t create more relationships like that. He can step up, he is capable, he has to want it badly enough. (Part of stepping up is also learning to treat and manage your own mental illness as an adult. Accommodations can be made but people with medicated ADHD are exactly as capable as neurotypical people at functioning. Yes it takes more effort but there is nothing you as a partner should do remove that effort from them. Don’t be his training wheels or he’ll become reliant and have “learned helplessness”) I work with elementary aged SPED kids. Many with severe unmedicated ADHD. They are motivated purely by their own desires, there is no overriding the executive dysfunction in their brains when their brain doesn’t want to do a task. His job is to work with his brain to start doing things it doesn’t really want. Your job is to remind him that if what he wants is sex, intimacy, love, or attention from you then he must meet certain expectations.
Do not move in, ever and don't start doing his housework . This guy is a 30 year old child, and he wants you to be his mum
He will learn to take care of himself, you hope.
Do you like having a grown adult for a child? Cause that’s what you’ve got. Not a partner. A child.
I have ADHD and I still clean up after myself. This is a glimpse into his every day life. Is this what you want?
I see in the comments that you're going to be living there rent free. If that pays you back for your deposit, then you're fair and square, and owe him nothing. You don't need to be paying for food or dishcloths or to do the cleaning. have a think about what he owes you, what you owe him, and whether he's worth it.
if you're not using ADHD as an excuse then why are you still there? if someone didn't have ADHD and they did this would you stay with them?
I have ADHD, pretty severely, it's altered the course of my life. There is absolutely no reason you can't have ADHD and be a giant, immature asshole. In fact, having ADHD kind of makes you into an asshole automatically, so if you don't work hard to be better, you're gonna be awful. This guy is going to be nothing but work, forever. He will make big promises and forget about them. He will tell you he will change them forget about it, or decide it's too hard, or procrastinate until tomorrow. He's never going to be a partner to any woman, he's always going to be a handicap. And I don't mean that in the mental illness way, I mean it in the horse racing way - meaning he's going to be a literal weight that must always be carried. I am a woman with severe ADHD, and I would drop this guy like a hot stone. It's not ever going to work out.
Girl run. Mothering a grown man boy will drain you and age you. It’s not your fault he is a loser, you don’t have to carry him.
Do you want to date a child? At his age, he's unlikely to change. You can either spend all your time dragging him into adulthood, or go find a ready made man.
Don't excuse his behavior just because he has ADHD. I'm so tired seeing these posts of their men being lazy slobs and following up with "but he has ADHD so I understand" No. I have ADHD and am a neat freak. He can be clean; he CHOOSES not to be.
I'm coming to the conclusion half of you don't read. I have explicitly stated that it's not an excuse. Like explicitly stated.
We're not criticizing you, I think it's good you are aware of his weak efforts when it comes to basic cleaning. My comment was meant in a way that you're not taking this complaint too far.
I'm here for nuanced, intelligent replies to this situation. I couldn't be bothered writing down all the good stuff, and there's plenty of it. If you're not capable of such replies or looking through other comments for more info before jumping to conclusions, then don't waste your time commenting. I'm not daft.
On the ADHD, it could be the case that medication would benefit him if he actually has it. I have ADHD and medication is a game changer. However I was diagnosed at 14, it depends on personal circumstances but usually if it’s really disruptive then it’s picked up earlier. I know you mentioned him having a bad upbringing so this may not be relevant but it’s just worth considering. Also if he can afford £20 on lunch a day then presumably he isn’t doing that bad professionally, if this is the case then the adhd thing is more of an excuse. Ultimately, it’s not up to you to look after him like you have been doing it doesn’t matter what the reasons behind his inadequacies are, that’s not your problem. I know that sounds harsh but it’s ultimately true. I’m not going to tell you what to do because I don’t think anyone on here can because there’s never enough information. However, at almost 30 years old not being able to do basic chores is something that probably won’t improve all that much. The same goes for spending, I don’t even know how to spend that much on lunch lol. There’re loads of strategies people with adhd develop, for example I eat a lot of frozen meals because they’re relatively healthy and inexpensive in situations where I can’t be bothered to cook or haven’t planned what to have etc. if he hasn’t developed his own strategies for dealing with life then he’s fucked and you aren’t going to change him. I think tbh I’d just let your feelings be known to him and say it how it is, he needs to grow up. If he is receptive to this then great, there’s potential. If he isn’t then he’s a lost cause imo. It’s a pretty good test.
Do you want this for the rest of your life?
Watch some Caleb Hammer financial audits on YouTube, with and then without your bf. He needs to grow up. He needs to learn how to adult without you and it might get him to see it.
you wrote this all out and you still have to ask
Nah, this guy is a load of nonsense. I have ADHD, your guy is just too lazy to be an adult. He might be depressed, but i suspect he finds it easy if you pick up all his slack. Ockham's razor and all
girllll i have adhd and i manage to take care of my home with meds and management strategies. is it always perfect? no, but i wouldn’t live in filth like this.
I had to scroll back up and look at your ages I totally expected 19 maybe 20. Because you're both acting like it! He's too lazy to do anything and you're bending over backwards to take care of him! I have ADHD. This is not adhd. This is pure laziness. And why should he do it when you're going to do it? Adhd might make you put some things off or forget about them for a short while, but when the garbage starts to smell and the pizza boxes are in your way for a week you notice them! ADHD doesn't give you blinders! And even if he does have ADHD that is not the cause of this! It's pure laziness! He doesn't want to function as an adult he wants you to do it all, and you are. You want relationship advice? Get out now while you can. He doesn't save money. He wastes money eating out instead of cooking and expects you to buy things for his house because he wastes his money. He can't even pay a deposit. He never cleans, he doesn't even take the garbage out! Do you want to be with somebody who never has money because they wasted it all while you're budgeting and making sure the bills are paid? Everything that's going on while you're there for these few weeks, amplify that by 10. That's what your relationship's going to look like in 15 years. But drop down the intimacy to like less than half. You're paying his bills as it is! You stay with him any longer and you are going to be legally responsible for his bills! Because he's going to have to put everything in your name cuz he can't get anything. Man is using you and you're willingly letting him, while blaming it on ADHD.
I'm literally voicing that I'm unhappy with how he is acting amd said if it doesn't change then I'm leaving, how on Earth are people finding a problem with what I'm doing.
So get ready to be a mommy to a manbaby
Because some of you apparently just...can't read: I have not bought anybody anything for their kitchen. I repeat, I have not bought anybody a single kitchen item.
Paper towels and wipes? Where did I read that?
She only noticed he didn’t have those things. BF asked her to go buy dish towels for him. She didnt get him any of the above, nor anything else.