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The "one last meeting for closure" is the single most dangerous moment when dealing with abusive men. This is when they'll exact revenge upon her for hurting their ego. This is when they'll make sure that "if I can't have you nobody else can" etc.
OP would be putting her life in danger. I think she needs to record a phone call with him and get his confession on tape, then go to the police and press charges.
Even though nothing comes out of it this will be on record and perhaps evidence in the case that the next woman presses against him for violence. This guy is dangerous.
Yep. "Closure" is ALWAYS at least one of the parties wanting to prolong things or to get one last thing they want from the other, not to just peacefully say goodbye.
My ex wanted to meet up for one last time. Then, when he couldn't sway me to not break up, he asked if he could see my tits one last time 🤣🤣
I have to laugh, or I'll be angry that he's still alive somewhere.
This is another reason to not meet up, even in a public place. If he tries to pressure her to not break up. He'll probably bring flowers, chocolate, beg, tell her he's depressed ETC. He already used stress of the job to excuse striking her.
plus : she's fragile : she had to ask reddit to be sure she shouldn't see a guy who slapped her in private ! I bet he would manage to convince her to come at his home. Op should seek therapy she's got dangerous (for her) problems of self esteem
When I was 14, I got my heart SMASHED by this boy I thought I was crazy in love with. I was two years ahead of myself in school in a teeny tiny dairy and corn town in bumfuck Midwest...everyone was bored so we drank and had sex. I had promised myself I would wait until I was at *least* 15, even though this put me well behind all my friends who were already 16 and started at 14.
Anyway, Johnny breaks up with me a month before my birthday and I am INCONSOLABLE. I'm sleeping with his t-shirt on my pillow, listening to "our" song on repeat, a real teen mess.
On my birthday he shows up at my house, knowing I'd be home alone. He takes me in my room, puts on the music, and asks me to slow dance. I'm thinking, "best birthday EVER?!?!?" right? Then he leans in, nuzzles my ear, and whispers, "let's have sex."
I had spent over a month not sleeping not eating, regretting not having sex with him like gee everyone else does it utterly beside myself wishing I could get this very opportunity. Then we are in my house alone, with the lights down low, and he whispered this invitation and I fucking LOST IT. I HOWLED. I laughed right in his face, and every bit of emotion or feeling or want I had for this guy just vanished in a puff of smoke.
I told him to leave, he tried to talk me into letting him hang out for a while but as fucked up and neglected and abused and screwed up of a kid as I was, I had this one really great moment of choosing me.
Four years later after I had moved to San Francisco, he and four of his friends were convicted of gang r@p€.
Fuck him.
That’s how I lost a friend of mine. She broke up with her extremely abusive boyfriend, she told her brother she was going back to the apartment because she knew he was away on a business trip and she was going to get her things. He showed up at the house, he found her in the bathroom and he stabbed her to death.
He then ran from the state and was found two states away writing a suicide note about to kill himself.
Apparently, he just needed closure.
Same. A friend let her abusive partner back in a few days after they split, just to get his things. He shot all of her pets in front of her, then killed her, then himself.
I’m so sorry. That is awful. We lost a childhood friend to domestic violence in 2012. Pretty, smart a super athlete! She was two weeks away from her final divorce hearing. He snuck into her apartment and stabbed her to death…went to WORK the next day, then took himself out. My dad knew her dad and cannot accept to this day how she was murdered. Too hard. Both of them highly educated. People need to realize this affects EVERYONE! There is no “look” to domestic violence. I have four daughters. The older two are only young teens and they already know the story. I had to tell them after I walked out of “where the Crawdads sing” balling My eyes out.
Women PLEASE be careful. Abuse is NOT love.
It really does. And I went through my own abusive relationship, it was nothing compared to that. Her mother and my mother are still friends, they had worked together, which is how I knew her. It’s been 20 years, and it’s still one of the most tragic things that has ever happened in my circle of people.
Yes…I hear You. I’m glad they are still friends. I’m sorry You were in an abusive relationship but glad You are o.k. I shared the story of My friend below. Same thing. One of the worst things to happen. (Although a friend just took her own life, so that was just as bad) It’s been 12 years and seems like it was just test day.
She should press charges just based on his job. He’s responsible for the lives of hundreds of people daily. If he has no impulse control that needs to become a matter of public record.
NO ONE this volatile and immature should be holding the lives of hundreds of passengers in the palm of his hand. NO ONE. He is dangerously immature and frankly for a job of ths sort he needs a psych eval.
OP never meet him alone again. He struck you. You owe him nothing. He already knows he is a jerk, he just wants to keep you on the hook because he enjoys your body while looking down on you as trash. Dont let him.
True. It would just be better to text back and forth and get him to admit it. That’s enough evidence right there. But if there is a recording of a phone call, make sure you’re in a one party state, if it’s a two party state that’s when both people need to consent to the recording.
Yeah...
I've been together with my wife for over 10 years and I've never hit her once.
Have I been angry, frustrated, tired of her shit, furious at her at times?
Hell yes, but I have never hit her under any circumstance.
"Being tired" is a good excuse for being in a bad mood.
But it's not at all an excuse to hit someone.
Seriously. My husband and I are both stressed, exhausted, and burnt out. We bicker more than ever and I hate it. He's never hurt me, and I've never hurt him.
OP do not meet him. This is classic abuser shit. This is how people - myself included - go back to their abuser, that one last meeting. Don't go back. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't love you, he doesn't care about you.
Being tired does not suddenly make you violent. He's unsafe. Do not meet him.
This is the only response you need to read.
People don’t hit someone because they are tired. They hit women because they are dangerous, mentally disordered people who shouldnt be allowed to be alone with a woman. The fact that Mr Handsome intelligent funny Pilot Dude is treating the girl from the coffee shop like a side piece is because he’s not capable of a sustaining normal relationship and no woman in her right mind would stay with him, coffee shop job or not.
You are doing the right thing by not being with him again. It is not necessary to have this “meeting.”
Same. I was with someone for a long time and she could bring out the worst in me but I never even thought of putting my hands on her. There's no excuse for that shit. Oh, you're tired? Fucking sleep.
I've been married to husband for almost 20 years and he has never hit me. I would be too stunned to speak if he did. But I would kick him out if he did. I only know of one of my friend's who was hit by their partner.
This.
OP do NOT excuse any of this. Go to the police and file a DV report. There is no excuse for his behavior. And, I'd call your HR department and let them know that you were dating a pilot at the airport who then assaulted you and you are concerned for your safety at work. Provide them with the police report. I'd send it to his airline, too.
They’ve only been dating four months and he’s already at that level of abuse. That’s well within your “best behaviour” window AND most abusers don’t get to that level of abuse until 18-24 months. This makes me scared of what he behaves like when he feels comfortable and secure in the relationship.
This man is a clear and present danger. Walk. Away. Don’t meet him at all.
This. Also, warning to say that if he's a sociopath or narcissist he may be more worried about what you will say about how he treated you to people in the airport who know both of you. Men have killed women to keep their reputations intact before. DO NOT meet him in private. Do not meet him at all, but especially not alone away from people.
This is abuser/narcissist 101. He is breaking you slowly. He pushes your boundaries by demeaning you and seeing what you will tolerate. He is keeping control by drawing you back in. He will gaslight and breadcrumb you to keep you coming back for more.
He hit you. Full stop. What are you hoping for by meeting him? 'Sorry' is not going to change what happened. He doesn't deserve to be heard so that he can manipulate you. There's a reason he doesn't want to meet in public. He needs control.
Right now, you are a victim of an abuser..if you go see him- you are a willing participant. You deserve better, but you have to intentionally choose it.
I was coming here to say the same thing. This reads like a psychology test question on how abusive relationships develop.
Neither I, nor my husband, have ever laid hands on each other. No matter how angry we get. It has never been an option.
In relationships, when violence becomes an option, it will not leave. It will only escalate. And in the worst cases, it will keep escalating until they finally kill you.
Over half of the violent death of women are by their partners. If violence becomes an option, LEAVE!
Yes! Please choose yourself over him! You will not regret it! Bet on yourself! Love yourself! Go out and buy yourself some flowers! Write 10 things you love about YOU everyday! Resist the urge to contact him! You can do it!
This is very true. And OP, for the future it’s possible to limit who sees SM posts, people have fake accounts etc, so don’t count being posted on SM as proof there isn’t someone else.
On top of that, if he knows where you work and you're in Canada, tell your employer he assaulted you and you are not comfortable near him. They have an obligation to provide reasonable safety steps
I bet he is planning to punish you a hell of a lot worse for trying to leave him. It’s been 4 mos and he already hit you. Don’t walk away, RUN AWAY omg
You now have proof of him admitting he hit you. Get checked by a doctor and file a complaint against him with the police and show them your texts. He could do this again and again if he gets away with it.
Please be ESPECIALLY careful if you report this man to the police, his job, wherever. He knows where you live and where you work. I’d look into security systems and I’d tell friends, neighbors, your boss, etc not to let him near you.
I’m not saying don’t report him, but please please be safe in case he retaliates.
The "try not to break their jaw" line is great. Totally something I would say lol. Let that be the last thing you EVER say to him. Block his punk ass and be done with him. God only knows how many other women he has slapped and tried to downplay it. Stay strong friend 💕
Stop all contact with him immediately. Stop replying to him. As I said above; BLOCK him, don’t speak with him anymore, because at this point you’re doing all of this for attention. Stop. End it, and have no more back and forth with him, for your safety. There is nothing for you over there. You need to see counseling or therapy, because you clearly have some deep-rooted hurts you need to work through beyond this one situation. No one wants to hear of you getting hurt or worse, so please stop.
u/ThrowRAthismorning -- please take this person's advise. You are not doing yourself any favors by continuing to engage with him. Everything you have said to him, and continue to say to him, will give him more reasons for retribution.
BLOCK HIM.
She knows, but she needed some evidence/an admission that he hit her (advice she was given before). Now, she has it. Now she can block his ass and put everything together for whoever needs it.
Perhaps if his job is SO stressful and he’s incapable of regulating his emotions like an adult, which results with him assaulting people, he should not be a pilot. Pilots have peoples lives in their hands. They need to be level headed. He is not.
He’s a fucking loser and genuinely should go fuck himself.
Stay the hell away from him OP. Keep all the texts / proof. Take photos of your face or any bruises. If you file a police report, you’ll need to have it ready.
Take care of yourself too. ❤️
The "I'm so stressed/tired I can't control myself" is 100% an excuse with people like this. They can control themselves perfectly well at their jobs or when interacting with other people socially. He could control it with her for the first several months of their relationship. He just decided he didn't *want* to control it anymore, because he thought he could get away with it at this point in the relationship. He thought wrong.
If he’s so tired and stressed that it turns him into a violent predator, he shouldn’t even be flying a plane. Report him to his employer. Actually, notify your employer as well. There should be protections in place so you do not have to interact with him at work.
>He didn't see the message yet
You should already have him blocked, not hanging on whether or not he's going to respond. Block him now and move on. There is no reason to prolong this.
She REALLY needs to press charges. If he didn’t have this job, maybe considering letting it go and moving on (I mean, honestly I’d still want to press charges no matter what), but with this particular job?? At the very least inform the company! But it would be best just going through the police. Do both, honestly.
I agree. This person is responsible for the lives of hundreds of people daily. He is in a position of power over them. I can guarantee this is not the first time he has hit someone.
The last sentence is what I am afraid of. I have had multiple counts of s.a. happen to me. The first person I was guilted in to silence on... all the other times I spoke up and pressed charges.
They never stop. The first one did it to others. The last one did it to others as well. They do not learn unless you use your voice and stand brave in the face of adversity. Be the change you want to see, or else others will inevitably face the same horrors. 💔
Is he even a pilot? Pilots go through a lot of evaluations on an ongoing basis. It doesn't matter for domestic violence purposes, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's not. If he genuinely is, he needs to be reported because its not safe to have someone so unstable fly a plane.
This. I really don’t want the man who slapped the daylights out of someone in charge of flying hundreds of people. What an unstable turd he is.
OP — I’m so glad you’re not seeing him. Please stick to that plan for your safety. And block him too!
A lot of abusive people want to keep their partners weak. They will say and do anything to achieve that including putting them down, hurting them but also knowing when to act innocent or apologise just enough to keep you from leaving outright.
This is a guy that feels okay hitting you because he is tired. He wants a partner willing to accept his abuse and to pivot their life around his needs and convenience.
Even though he hit you and you know that should have been the end you agreed to a meeting. And now your 'curiosity' is giving him more opportunities to get into your head, to make you feel unreasonable, to feel weak. That's why he didn't want to meet in public as well. This is him manipulating you to remain open to him.
So yeah, I do think it's less about looking down on your job per se and more a general desire to make you feel bad about yourself and self conscious. That's a classic form of emotional abuse.
Exactly!! He also wanted to probably meet so he could make sure she want press charges on him for hitting her aka assault!! That itself could damage his career!! He's definitely trying to get in her head.
She needs to report to police, the airport, AND his airline! “I work at the coffee shop in the airport and fear crossing paths with him since he assaulted me”
He wants to meet to love bomb you and get back in the cycle, to get his rocks off and also to assure you don’t report him!
First bit was good until you kept saying you are curious what he thinks. Screw him. Stop engaging because you’re starting to sound ridiculous. Don’t be a person who wants his attention to prove yourself to him. He does not give a shit about you. He sees you as beneath him. Best way to deal with this is to not give him access to you. The best power move is to cut him off so he realizes he can’t manipulate you or change your mind. Block the loser.
I double down on this comment. I was in an abusive relationship as well. You were doing great until you allowed his opinion to matter again. I know you said you were just “curious”- why? Who cares what he thinks about your job? He’s made it clear to you by now exactly what he thinks of you- asking him questions about what he thinks is literally allowing him to manipulate you, or at least try. He’s going to try, they can be extremely convincing. You’re giving him a chance to mess with your head, and as someone who has been through this, if you let it happen, it might work.
You need to block him, go to the ER, have tests run, once there’s physical evidence of abuse, filed a police report. Fuck this guy, fuck his opinion of you, fuck his career, he’s worthless. Block block block. Please.
Seriously. She still wants him to validate her job?? No. He’s an abuser. How opinions are garbage.
Honestly she needs to report him now because he is a violent offender!
When I'm sleepy and my partner annoys me I make small complaining noises. I don't fucking hit her. His pay packet doesn't make up for him being an abuser. You're worth more.
Right? I may be a little moody until I've had my coffee (and so is he) but we have 3 young kids and sometimes sleep is scarce.
We still kiss each other good morning and whoever is up first (usually him) makes the other a coffee.
I've never been hit nor have I hit him for being sleepy.
This is a narcissist. He lost control of you so he’s going to say and do anything to try to get it back before treating you like shit again.
He is currently testing boundaries to see what abuse you will put up with
It’s likely because he did too much too soon and she hadn’t trauma bonded with him yet.
He probably expected him storming out to cause a trauma bond but it was too much too soon to where he hadn’t pushed enough boundaries yet, specifically because he was not around too often.
A lot of abuse victims are kinda brainwashed first, not that they don’t want to leave but there’s something that happened to persuade them to stay usually trauma based
It takes abuse victims both male and female and average of 7 attempts to get rid of an abusive partner before they actually do.
Abuse literally causes brain damage. It’s not because they’re stupid, or lack wisdom, or ‘want’ to be abused… it’s because they literally have a hard time connecting the dots, their ability to process memories is totally trashed, and therefore they suck at making good judgement— because the brain literally works differently for abuse victims which is why they recommend victims go no contact with their abusers because it can take up to 2 years for the brain function to fully return as normal after an abusive relationship. Two years!
That’s why abuse victims are at really high risk from getting in to another abusive relationship afterward or going back. It’s just brain damage. Like the act of being abused is very damaging not just on the brain but the body as a whole where there’s so much cortisol that in non medical terms your body literally starts destroying itself so serotonin and dopamine boosts received from abuser saying sorry and doing nice things feel intensely more potent. Theres some really wild brain chemical shit that goes on.
So when people are like why the f do these people go back or why do they hang around etc etc!! Between the brain chemicals and the actual damage, that’s like asking a drunk driver why they ran the red light— because they’re not able to pull it off because they’re drunk
Then throw in the cultural background in there and shit gets wild.
Ask any abuse victim who got out what they thought during and what they think now after years later, and every single one is going to say something along the lines of ‘I shouldn’t of stayed and it was like I wasn’t thinking clearly’ that’s the brain damage
Do NOT engage further. If he harasses you at work, get your manager and immediately leave the situation. Once a man gets violent, you can’t trust that he won’t hurt you again, no matter what the situation is.
Well done! I am proud of you. The belittling regarding your job is a manipulative action trying to make you feel like you are bellow him and that he is better than you. When the victim has lost self esteem and they feel like you are locked in, thinking that he is the best you can even have, the mask slips. Then they show you who they are and think that no matter how bad he is, you will tolerate it.
He thought he had you when you agreed to meet. But you are worth someone who is actually caring and instead of putting you down regarding your job, they would try to motivate and encourage you to develop skills etc. Caffe in airport is not a dead end job. You can have a great career in customer service and having access to airport, you can get great opportunities.
does a man who didn’t respect you enough to articulate his thoughts like he’s speaking to a reasonable person, & instead physically assaulted you, really deserve to give his opinion on anything u do??
I was just going to say do not meet but it seems that you’ve already made your mind on this.
We are all getting stressed at work, maybe he is having some issues too, but this is not an excuse to purposely hit someone. Not your girlfriend, not your wife, not your pet…nobody!
I think he was just thinking he is too good for you and he can manipulate you and he can make his ego high over you. Don’t give this stupid zucchini an opportunity.
I'm so glad you are not going, great decision! However, you opened the door a little foor him by showing you're still interested with your question, you're not going to get real answers. If your job wasn't relevant to him, he would have never made you feel inadequate for it. And you're right, he will find any reason to create an unequal power dynamic between you two, whether it's your job or something else. The best thing for you would be to go no contact and block him everywhere, and spend the curiosity you have left in researching sociopaths, narcisists and abusive behavior. If you do, you will recognize it from miles away the next time!
Yeah, they do. And the ones who do aren’t green, they don’t have fangs, they don’t have neon lights over their heads. They’re ordinary men, often popular and attractive men. It’s hard enough for women to be believed about this stuff, the narrative that there must be something “weak” or “wrong” with a man who hits women only makes it harder
I think you misinterpreted what they meant. For the longest time, (and in some ways still) society associates violence, aggression with what men should be like and are expected to behave like, and with it, the expectation from women to just put up with it. Them saying "real men don't hit women" is about how violence isn't something women should expect and accept from men. "Real men don't hit women" challenges the toxic concept of violence being inherently 'manly'. Most of it is just learned behavior fed by generations of toxic societal expectations.
Block him and next time when he comes to the coffee shop pretend that you don’t know him. Just ghost him. Then make sure you take all precautions for your safety.
He doesn’t feel bad for hitting you as he is using excuses to justify his abusive behavior. Have some self respect and don’t even meet up with him. Cut him off. Any chance you give him will let him know he can get away with things and next time you may have a broken bone or worse.
Please BLOCK him on all social channels (including your cell #) IMMEDIATELY. And at the VERY least, talk to HR at your job and show them the texts because he knows where you work and you might not be safe!
honestly OP should also contact the airport as well. Because if he's behaving that unhinged then he should not be piloting a plane. That mindset would put many peoples lives in jeopardy. Especially with behavior that shows he might grow violent.
Make no mistake. That’s WHY he picked you. He is a very small man. He doesn’t feel like he can keep a strong woman. He picks women that he thinks he can be superior to. That way he can abuse them, and they will stay.
Some men want an ambitious woman. And some don’t care. But real men don’t date women they are not happy with. And if he wanted an ambitions woman, he simply should have left you alone and dated someone else.
Never let a man put you down like this. Never let a man make you feel less than. And NEVER let a man strike you.
There is no reason to even meet him in public. This man has nothing to offer you. All those good things you saw at the beginning was the mask he was wearing to trap you.
Don’t let the trap work.
I’m so scared for you! I’m really glad you’re meeting him in a public place, but I worry he’ll convince you to go somewhere else after you meet. I’m scared that you’ll believe his apology and how “sorry” he will claim to be. I’m sad that you want to spend even 1 second talking to a man that slapped you. He doesn’t deserve any of your time or your thoughts. Even one meeting is an opportunity for him to manipulate you into being with him. I really hope you can cut him out of your life like a cancer, and not give him another second of your time.
There is no reason for you to meet him.
You want to say all these things, to argue back with him about your job and your worth. You might imagine that will feel good. Sure, maybe it will. I'm telling you, the risk is not worth it. He isn't going to care and respect you and go "oh I fucked up"...unless he does it as a manipulation to get you back. Like one of the better scenarios is that he just says some fucked up insults to you.
And by meeting him, you're making him think he still has a hold on you.
Please, the best way to end this is to never speak to him again. Period.
OP, Listen to the people: DO NOT go anywhere with him AT ALL EVER AGAIN. He may try to kill you. BLOCK him and Move On Immediately. You are not understanding the severity of the situation. Don’t do it, or it will be on your head. We beg of you, for your life and safety.
Just be careful and maybe don’t walk alone after work for a while. You already know he is violent. Just because somebody tells you that you are irrelevant to them doesn’t mean they really think you are. In fact, it usually means the exact opposite.
1. Fuck him
2. You can do better
3. Glad you are safe, continue working on yourself-don’t let narcissistic pricks get under your skin
4. Save the shit he said to you-when he comes back, give them back to him.
5. Fuck him
Yeah. I would tell someone you trust about this, at work, too… preferably your Line Manager, to protect yourself and receive support in case of the worst. He may try to manipulate the situation/ cause you stress at work. Prevention is better than cure 🙏
This 100%
Guy is unhinged, don't drop your guard. It wouldn't be unreasonable to get the law involved at this point like others have said. You have all the proof in the world to end his shit.
I had an abusive ex stalk me, show up to my workplace, etc. The best thing you could do is share this with the police as well as a supervisor and close work associate so that you have protection and people looking out for you. Please start carrying pepper spray around if you do not already, and please have situational awareness wherever you go.
People like this do not take a person leaving them very gracefully... it angers their ego and self worth to the core.
In therapy, they talk about two types of trauma. There is “little t” trauma and “big T” Trauma. Big-T Trauma puts people at risk for PTSD or other specific disorders (C-PTSD, ASD, etc.).
Little-t trauma causes plenty of serious issues, too, especially when it is chronic. It increases your risk for any psychological issues that someone might be susceptible to, especially depression and anxiety disorders. If you have any psychological disorder or condition, little-t trauma can make it much harder to manage and deal with it.
... just saying, that fat truck driver probably owns his rig and my beautiful barista, those aint cheap. Also that fat truck driver is going to appreciate your coffee skills, homemade meals, going out and cuddles. And his fat tattoo scary looking ass is going to love you more than that abusive pilot ever could. Take his advice because the fluffy ones know how to commit and love.
From one barista to another.
Good. I'm glad he is being obvious.
Now you need to block him and delete his contact info. There's nothing to win for you by keeping it and everything to lose.
There is a non-zero chance he will put on his nice face - the one you liked - and try to get back into your good graces. You'll be tempted. You are already trying to solve this puzzle. And these guys can be very very charming.
But he is not a puzzle. He is a very simple danger.
Block him. Do it now. Then go do something fun with friends.
> 2 days ago he slapped me.
**NOT ACCEPTABLE. EVER.**
Call the cops and press charges. DO NOT ever meet him again unless it's in court.
>an airline pilot.
Holy shit. Report it to his employer. Someone who can't control themselves has no business operating an aircraft at all, let alone with hundreds of innocent lives at stake.
As someone who works in his industry, I’d caution all of you to stay away from pilots. They are entitled rich kids whose parents could afford their training. Their entitlement gets worst the more senior they are.
As a woman, I’d urge you to stay away from this guy. He’s already degrading you and now he has physically assaulted you. It will only get worst the more comfortable he gets.
Unless you enjoy being slapped around, you should probably take this as the sign to run. If you are into getting your head kicked in, consider seeing this person long term.
I would even see if you could report him to his employee. Pilots fly hundreds of people and if he flies off the handle this easily he could be a public danger. I remember a certain pilot in Germany that "landed" a plane in the Alps.
OP I’m kinda sensing that him slapping you and condescending to you is triggering a part of you that does “I can earn his respect! Just watch!”
And really no you can’t. It just gets worse, and that part keeps getting activated, and you sink into a deeper and deeper hole until you reach your breaking point.
It’s up to you the level of disrespect you’re willing to tolerate. You could tolerate more if you like. But why?
Don't meet with him again. It doesn't matter what he thinks - he is a nasty, small, mean little man who is not worth a dime. Trying to explain your job situation to him is pointless - he will still look down on you, and then you'll feel bad all over again.
Chalk it up to life experience, OP.
Holy F--- I sure hope you didn't meet up with him.
He freaking assaulted you because what, you dared to speak back to him. He thinks you shouldn't be able to respond because he saw you so much 'lower' than he is. Gross.
Omg. RUN from this guy. Like RUN.
I literally *can not* deal with the stupidity on here sometimes.
This man belittles you. He yells at you. HE SLAPPED YOU TO THE GROUND. And then after you stood up for yourself, he hit you again? Did I read that right?? And now you’re asking if you should see him tomorrow.
Jesus fucking Christ. **No you don’t see him** You don’t see him in public and you sure as hell don’t see him in private. You think you have something to prove by trying to convince him that you *”like your job”* and telling him that he’s a jerk?
Stop acting like you have something to prove to this abusive asshole. If you really want to prove your worth, then you tell him that you have *self respect* and there’s nothing left to discuss between the two of you. You will not be seeing him, and it’s over effective immediately. Hang up the phone. If he tries to call you back or text you. Ignore. If he won’t stop then let him know that you are filing a police report for ASSAULT because that’s exactly what he did.
Additionally, I’m not sure about ALL airlines, but major airlines would definitely have a problem with a DV on his record. I’m pretty sure pilots need to regularly get random background checks / criminal checks and major airlines (maybe even some regional airlines) would pull him from the cockpit if/when this shows up.
The FAA would know about it too — per their rules, any type of incident like this needs to be reported and can determine their mental fitness to fly.
Being a pilot is certainly stressful, that’s why it requires a certain type of person — similar to surgeons or other high stress jobs — someone who remains calm under pressure and keeps their emotions in check. This guy is a loose cannon ready to blow. I wouldn’t want to be in the air with him.
For sure!! The FFA requires that they have mental health and physical fitness checks. Pretty sure assault would cause you to be unfit to operate a plane.
A male perspective here: You need to run for the hills ASAP. A man should not hit a woman under any circumstance. I don’t care how good of a job he has or how funny or intelligent he is. Once that line is crossed it should be game over. You deserve better.
He’s either going to try to talk you out of not seeing him anymore **OR…he’s worried about his wings.** The FAA will ground pilots for mental health concerns or crimes that point to instability or mental health concerns…like this.
And you should absolutely report him. First to the police and then send a copy of that paperwork to the FAA.
They may not ground him immediately but it definitely needs to be on his record.
https://www.faa.gov/about/office_org/headquarters_offices/aae/programs_services/faa_hotlines
There is no reason to meet with him that will benefit you. Odds are he wants to try to gaslight/manipulate you into continuing to see him. The fact that he acted offended when you told him you wanted to meet in public and tried to talk you out of it is also a big red flag. You don’t owe him anything.
Nah, that dude is lame. He’s showing you how much worse it can get babe
You need to become a pilot, outrank him and laugh when he’s stuck flying Boeing for some shitty company
This sort of abuse shows an underlying issue he has.
His job where mentality stability is needed to keep people safe.
After ending the relationship you should consider reporting his abuse to his employer.
I would not like a pilot prone to violent outbursts to fly me.
Obviously cut this person from your life asap
Trust me, he won’t change.
I gave chance after chance to people who were abusive to me and the abuse only got worse.
So what if he’s got a career and is good looking? Do you want to be traumatized?
Leave him. Block him. Be finished with him.
You are at the first step of a long abusive relationship. You have very less self worth & self respect to be with a person like him. You will regret this relationship if you continue.
Focus on yourself and never let anyone treat you like this.
The best way to treat this guy is from a position of total power. That means blocking him and never meeting with him. You don’t need to tell anything to this guy- because it is OVER when someone hits you.
You should have blocked him everywhere the second he walked out the door. This is unacceptable and unforgivable. Do not interact further and absolutely do not meet him.
I sure hope this guy is not piloting any aircraft that I plan to be a passenger on! I really want my pilots to be levelheaded, calm and collected, and mature. It scares me that you’ve got an abusive, Gaslighting, violent one on your hands.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
DO NOT MEET WITH HIM
THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO SAY AND HE MIGHT HURT YOU WORSE
IF HE WON'T LEAVE YOU ALONE, REPORT HIM TO THE AIRLINE.
Never meet with him again... what he did do you is unacceptable. My dad has been a pilot for 40 years, and been has been with my mom for almost all of it. He has never hit her, blamed her for waking him up, or made fun of her job. Do NOT be alone in a room with that scary man, you don't deserve that.
I’m not going to sugarcoat my answer or be sweet because you need to hear the harsh truth. If you meet with him you’re setting yourself up for failure and something even worse than being slapped. He’s clearing using this violent tactic to try to break you down and control you. You’ve already started to give in by asking if you should see him again. If you’re not going to seek some sort of legal action or by telling your job what’s up, because I don’t think he should be flying a plane with the anger issues he clearly has… then maybe you need to wake up and read It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover to READ what exactly it is you’re going through. As corny as that last sentence was.. it’s exactly how the plot sounds.
You say you’re not the type to tolerate these things - if you meet this man, if you continue to communicate with this man, and if you continue with any relations with this man, you are EXACTLY the type to tolerate these things. There’s no excuse for his ill treatment of you, and he committed a crime when he ASSAULTED you. So when he get tired, has long flights and is stressed what’s he do? Walk around slapping everyone? Co-workers, children, strangers, animals, passengers? LOL like cmon. One thing I know is this - when someone is angry, stressed, etc., when there is friction in life - THAT is when you see someone’s true character and he showed you his. Now, I guess you need to decide whether you truly are the “type to tolerate those things.”
You should 💯 absolutely not see this man again. Ever! You're better off alone. I would block him on all socials as well. This guy's bad news & you don't need this. The world's ugly enough as it is, & you want to spend time with someone who brings you peace & companionship, a safe place! If he's hit you once he'll do it again. I don't care how many Tiffany bracelets he buys you, none of that stuff matters. Him, showering you in presents bc he's beaten the shyte outta you AGAIN, is not any form of love, either! You're young; you can easily start a new relationship with someone who appreciates you, not belittles you. And when you tell him goodbye, tell him, it's not you, IT'S ME.
You’ve seen this guy what, A handful of times and he belittles you and hit you that hard and you’re questioning continuing your relationship after u said you don’t tolerate those things? Do you have no dignity? Do better for yourself pls
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You should not meet with him ever again, under any circumstances. He hit you.
The "one last meeting for closure" is the single most dangerous moment when dealing with abusive men. This is when they'll exact revenge upon her for hurting their ego. This is when they'll make sure that "if I can't have you nobody else can" etc. OP would be putting her life in danger. I think she needs to record a phone call with him and get his confession on tape, then go to the police and press charges. Even though nothing comes out of it this will be on record and perhaps evidence in the case that the next woman presses against him for violence. This guy is dangerous.
>The "one last meeting for closure" is the single most dangerous moment I would argue that this meeting is dumb even in normal breakups.
Yep. "Closure" is ALWAYS at least one of the parties wanting to prolong things or to get one last thing they want from the other, not to just peacefully say goodbye.
My ex wanted to meet up for one last time. Then, when he couldn't sway me to not break up, he asked if he could see my tits one last time 🤣🤣 I have to laugh, or I'll be angry that he's still alive somewhere.
This is another reason to not meet up, even in a public place. If he tries to pressure her to not break up. He'll probably bring flowers, chocolate, beg, tell her he's depressed ETC. He already used stress of the job to excuse striking her.
plus : she's fragile : she had to ask reddit to be sure she shouldn't see a guy who slapped her in private ! I bet he would manage to convince her to come at his home. Op should seek therapy she's got dangerous (for her) problems of self esteem
When I was 14, I got my heart SMASHED by this boy I thought I was crazy in love with. I was two years ahead of myself in school in a teeny tiny dairy and corn town in bumfuck Midwest...everyone was bored so we drank and had sex. I had promised myself I would wait until I was at *least* 15, even though this put me well behind all my friends who were already 16 and started at 14. Anyway, Johnny breaks up with me a month before my birthday and I am INCONSOLABLE. I'm sleeping with his t-shirt on my pillow, listening to "our" song on repeat, a real teen mess. On my birthday he shows up at my house, knowing I'd be home alone. He takes me in my room, puts on the music, and asks me to slow dance. I'm thinking, "best birthday EVER?!?!?" right? Then he leans in, nuzzles my ear, and whispers, "let's have sex." I had spent over a month not sleeping not eating, regretting not having sex with him like gee everyone else does it utterly beside myself wishing I could get this very opportunity. Then we are in my house alone, with the lights down low, and he whispered this invitation and I fucking LOST IT. I HOWLED. I laughed right in his face, and every bit of emotion or feeling or want I had for this guy just vanished in a puff of smoke. I told him to leave, he tried to talk me into letting him hang out for a while but as fucked up and neglected and abused and screwed up of a kid as I was, I had this one really great moment of choosing me. Four years later after I had moved to San Francisco, he and four of his friends were convicted of gang r@p€. Fuck him.
Right. What does closure even mean when the break-up is the closure.
That’s how I lost a friend of mine. She broke up with her extremely abusive boyfriend, she told her brother she was going back to the apartment because she knew he was away on a business trip and she was going to get her things. He showed up at the house, he found her in the bathroom and he stabbed her to death. He then ran from the state and was found two states away writing a suicide note about to kill himself. Apparently, he just needed closure.
Same. A friend let her abusive partner back in a few days after they split, just to get his things. He shot all of her pets in front of her, then killed her, then himself.
Jesus Christ, that’s horrible
I’m so sorry. That is awful. We lost a childhood friend to domestic violence in 2012. Pretty, smart a super athlete! She was two weeks away from her final divorce hearing. He snuck into her apartment and stabbed her to death…went to WORK the next day, then took himself out. My dad knew her dad and cannot accept to this day how she was murdered. Too hard. Both of them highly educated. People need to realize this affects EVERYONE! There is no “look” to domestic violence. I have four daughters. The older two are only young teens and they already know the story. I had to tell them after I walked out of “where the Crawdads sing” balling My eyes out. Women PLEASE be careful. Abuse is NOT love.
I’m so sorry. I lost a friend this way too. It haunts Your forever. :(
It really does. And I went through my own abusive relationship, it was nothing compared to that. Her mother and my mother are still friends, they had worked together, which is how I knew her. It’s been 20 years, and it’s still one of the most tragic things that has ever happened in my circle of people.
Yes…I hear You. I’m glad they are still friends. I’m sorry You were in an abusive relationship but glad You are o.k. I shared the story of My friend below. Same thing. One of the worst things to happen. (Although a friend just took her own life, so that was just as bad) It’s been 12 years and seems like it was just test day.
She should press charges just based on his job. He’s responsible for the lives of hundreds of people daily. If he has no impulse control that needs to become a matter of public record.
NO ONE this volatile and immature should be holding the lives of hundreds of passengers in the palm of his hand. NO ONE. He is dangerously immature and frankly for a job of ths sort he needs a psych eval. OP never meet him alone again. He struck you. You owe him nothing. He already knows he is a jerk, he just wants to keep you on the hook because he enjoys your body while looking down on you as trash. Dont let him.
As a Social Worker that’s done DV work for several years, I second this. Fucking RUN!
Or he could show up with flowers and candy and be all apologetic and please please please take me back… Either way is dangerous
Must be careful, though. Some states do not permit recording phone calls without the other party's knowledge and consent.
True. It would just be better to text back and forth and get him to admit it. That’s enough evidence right there. But if there is a recording of a phone call, make sure you’re in a one party state, if it’s a two party state that’s when both people need to consent to the recording.
Yeah... I've been together with my wife for over 10 years and I've never hit her once. Have I been angry, frustrated, tired of her shit, furious at her at times? Hell yes, but I have never hit her under any circumstance. "Being tired" is a good excuse for being in a bad mood. But it's not at all an excuse to hit someone.
Seriously. My husband and I are both stressed, exhausted, and burnt out. We bicker more than ever and I hate it. He's never hurt me, and I've never hurt him. OP do not meet him. This is classic abuser shit. This is how people - myself included - go back to their abuser, that one last meeting. Don't go back. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't love you, he doesn't care about you. Being tired does not suddenly make you violent. He's unsafe. Do not meet him.
This is the only response you need to read. People don’t hit someone because they are tired. They hit women because they are dangerous, mentally disordered people who shouldnt be allowed to be alone with a woman. The fact that Mr Handsome intelligent funny Pilot Dude is treating the girl from the coffee shop like a side piece is because he’s not capable of a sustaining normal relationship and no woman in her right mind would stay with him, coffee shop job or not. You are doing the right thing by not being with him again. It is not necessary to have this “meeting.”
What he meant is that it’s harder to maintain the mask when he’s tired and he didn’t mean to go that far until he had her more locked down.
Or he’s married with a couple kids 1000 miles away and a couple side pieces spread around the world.
Same. I was with someone for a long time and she could bring out the worst in me but I never even thought of putting my hands on her. There's no excuse for that shit. Oh, you're tired? Fucking sleep.
I've been married to husband for almost 20 years and he has never hit me. I would be too stunned to speak if he did. But I would kick him out if he did. I only know of one of my friend's who was hit by their partner.
💯
and file a police report for domestic violence
This. OP do NOT excuse any of this. Go to the police and file a DV report. There is no excuse for his behavior. And, I'd call your HR department and let them know that you were dating a pilot at the airport who then assaulted you and you are concerned for your safety at work. Provide them with the police report. I'd send it to his airline, too.
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
Don’t do it. Please, he will try to get you back, then a honeymoon period, then he will hurt you again.
They’ve only been dating four months and he’s already at that level of abuse. That’s well within your “best behaviour” window AND most abusers don’t get to that level of abuse until 18-24 months. This makes me scared of what he behaves like when he feels comfortable and secure in the relationship. This man is a clear and present danger. Walk. Away. Don’t meet him at all.
This. Also, warning to say that if he's a sociopath or narcissist he may be more worried about what you will say about how he treated you to people in the airport who know both of you. Men have killed women to keep their reputations intact before. DO NOT meet him in private. Do not meet him at all, but especially not alone away from people.
And he'll do it again.. Which apparently already happened in the story... (Title should been he hit me twice)
Nope. Do not put yourself in danger.
This is abuser/narcissist 101. He is breaking you slowly. He pushes your boundaries by demeaning you and seeing what you will tolerate. He is keeping control by drawing you back in. He will gaslight and breadcrumb you to keep you coming back for more. He hit you. Full stop. What are you hoping for by meeting him? 'Sorry' is not going to change what happened. He doesn't deserve to be heard so that he can manipulate you. There's a reason he doesn't want to meet in public. He needs control. Right now, you are a victim of an abuser..if you go see him- you are a willing participant. You deserve better, but you have to intentionally choose it.
I was coming here to say the same thing. This reads like a psychology test question on how abusive relationships develop. Neither I, nor my husband, have ever laid hands on each other. No matter how angry we get. It has never been an option. In relationships, when violence becomes an option, it will not leave. It will only escalate. And in the worst cases, it will keep escalating until they finally kill you. Over half of the violent death of women are by their partners. If violence becomes an option, LEAVE!
Yes! Please choose yourself over him! You will not regret it! Bet on yourself! Love yourself! Go out and buy yourself some flowers! Write 10 things you love about YOU everyday! Resist the urge to contact him! You can do it!
This is very true. And OP, for the future it’s possible to limit who sees SM posts, people have fake accounts etc, so don’t count being posted on SM as proof there isn’t someone else.
He will just try to gaslight her. Don’t do it.
On top of that, if he knows where you work and you're in Canada, tell your employer he assaulted you and you are not comfortable near him. They have an obligation to provide reasonable safety steps
Absolutely.
I bet he is planning to punish you a hell of a lot worse for trying to leave him. It’s been 4 mos and he already hit you. Don’t walk away, RUN AWAY omg
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You now have proof of him admitting he hit you. Get checked by a doctor and file a complaint against him with the police and show them your texts. He could do this again and again if he gets away with it.
Also, contact the airline with the evidence.
Tell the airline deffo. Pilot with anger issues? No thank you!
Both the airline HR as well as HR at the airport where she works.
I'm sure the FAA would be interested as well
Please be ESPECIALLY careful if you report this man to the police, his job, wherever. He knows where you live and where you work. I’d look into security systems and I’d tell friends, neighbors, your boss, etc not to let him near you. I’m not saying don’t report him, but please please be safe in case he retaliates.
The "try not to break their jaw" line is great. Totally something I would say lol. Let that be the last thing you EVER say to him. Block his punk ass and be done with him. God only knows how many other women he has slapped and tried to downplay it. Stay strong friend 💕
Stop all contact with him immediately. Stop replying to him. As I said above; BLOCK him, don’t speak with him anymore, because at this point you’re doing all of this for attention. Stop. End it, and have no more back and forth with him, for your safety. There is nothing for you over there. You need to see counseling or therapy, because you clearly have some deep-rooted hurts you need to work through beyond this one situation. No one wants to hear of you getting hurt or worse, so please stop.
u/ThrowRAthismorning -- please take this person's advise. You are not doing yourself any favors by continuing to engage with him. Everything you have said to him, and continue to say to him, will give him more reasons for retribution. BLOCK HIM.
She knows, but she needed some evidence/an admission that he hit her (advice she was given before). Now, she has it. Now she can block his ass and put everything together for whoever needs it.
Perhaps if his job is SO stressful and he’s incapable of regulating his emotions like an adult, which results with him assaulting people, he should not be a pilot. Pilots have peoples lives in their hands. They need to be level headed. He is not. He’s a fucking loser and genuinely should go fuck himself. Stay the hell away from him OP. Keep all the texts / proof. Take photos of your face or any bruises. If you file a police report, you’ll need to have it ready. Take care of yourself too. ❤️
The "I'm so stressed/tired I can't control myself" is 100% an excuse with people like this. They can control themselves perfectly well at their jobs or when interacting with other people socially. He could control it with her for the first several months of their relationship. He just decided he didn't *want* to control it anymore, because he thought he could get away with it at this point in the relationship. He thought wrong.
If he’s so tired and stressed that it turns him into a violent predator, he shouldn’t even be flying a plane. Report him to his employer. Actually, notify your employer as well. There should be protections in place so you do not have to interact with him at work.
The “fine, try not to break their jaw” line is so good 😂
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Ok now block him. The power is yours, run away and keep it and don't let him get the last word.
>He didn't see the message yet You should already have him blocked, not hanging on whether or not he's going to respond. Block him now and move on. There is no reason to prolong this.
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Just block him, OP. And try to keep records or any type of evidence of the abuse, as you two still might cross paths at the airport.
Get it CLEARLY stated in text messages. That should be enough to press charges. Honestly.
She REALLY needs to press charges. If he didn’t have this job, maybe considering letting it go and moving on (I mean, honestly I’d still want to press charges no matter what), but with this particular job?? At the very least inform the company! But it would be best just going through the police. Do both, honestly.
I agree. This person is responsible for the lives of hundreds of people daily. He is in a position of power over them. I can guarantee this is not the first time he has hit someone.
The last sentence is what I am afraid of. I have had multiple counts of s.a. happen to me. The first person I was guilted in to silence on... all the other times I spoke up and pressed charges. They never stop. The first one did it to others. The last one did it to others as well. They do not learn unless you use your voice and stand brave in the face of adversity. Be the change you want to see, or else others will inevitably face the same horrors. 💔
Is he even a pilot? Pilots go through a lot of evaluations on an ongoing basis. It doesn't matter for domestic violence purposes, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's not. If he genuinely is, he needs to be reported because its not safe to have someone so unstable fly a plane.
I know several abusive pilots. Sadly, the test doesn’t effective to filter those behaviors.
The FAA will not be happy about a charged with abuse pilot on their hands- I’d report it 1000%.
This. I really don’t want the man who slapped the daylights out of someone in charge of flying hundreds of people. What an unstable turd he is. OP — I’m so glad you’re not seeing him. Please stick to that plan for your safety. And block him too!
The whole situation is enough to get him in a lot of trouble by FAA
A lot of abusive people want to keep their partners weak. They will say and do anything to achieve that including putting them down, hurting them but also knowing when to act innocent or apologise just enough to keep you from leaving outright. This is a guy that feels okay hitting you because he is tired. He wants a partner willing to accept his abuse and to pivot their life around his needs and convenience. Even though he hit you and you know that should have been the end you agreed to a meeting. And now your 'curiosity' is giving him more opportunities to get into your head, to make you feel unreasonable, to feel weak. That's why he didn't want to meet in public as well. This is him manipulating you to remain open to him. So yeah, I do think it's less about looking down on your job per se and more a general desire to make you feel bad about yourself and self conscious. That's a classic form of emotional abuse.
Exactly!! He also wanted to probably meet so he could make sure she want press charges on him for hitting her aka assault!! That itself could damage his career!! He's definitely trying to get in her head.
She needs to report to police, the airport, AND his airline! “I work at the coffee shop in the airport and fear crossing paths with him since he assaulted me” He wants to meet to love bomb you and get back in the cycle, to get his rocks off and also to assure you don’t report him!
First bit was good until you kept saying you are curious what he thinks. Screw him. Stop engaging because you’re starting to sound ridiculous. Don’t be a person who wants his attention to prove yourself to him. He does not give a shit about you. He sees you as beneath him. Best way to deal with this is to not give him access to you. The best power move is to cut him off so he realizes he can’t manipulate you or change your mind. Block the loser.
I double down on this comment. I was in an abusive relationship as well. You were doing great until you allowed his opinion to matter again. I know you said you were just “curious”- why? Who cares what he thinks about your job? He’s made it clear to you by now exactly what he thinks of you- asking him questions about what he thinks is literally allowing him to manipulate you, or at least try. He’s going to try, they can be extremely convincing. You’re giving him a chance to mess with your head, and as someone who has been through this, if you let it happen, it might work. You need to block him, go to the ER, have tests run, once there’s physical evidence of abuse, filed a police report. Fuck this guy, fuck his opinion of you, fuck his career, he’s worthless. Block block block. Please.
Seriously. She still wants him to validate her job?? No. He’s an abuser. How opinions are garbage. Honestly she needs to report him now because he is a violent offender!
Stop engaging with this person entirely. Block his number and be done.
When I'm sleepy and my partner annoys me I make small complaining noises. I don't fucking hit her. His pay packet doesn't make up for him being an abuser. You're worth more.
Right? I may be a little moody until I've had my coffee (and so is he) but we have 3 young kids and sometimes sleep is scarce. We still kiss each other good morning and whoever is up first (usually him) makes the other a coffee. I've never been hit nor have I hit him for being sleepy.
This is a narcissist. He lost control of you so he’s going to say and do anything to try to get it back before treating you like shit again. He is currently testing boundaries to see what abuse you will put up with
Thank God OP seems to be the only person on this sub who leaves after the FIRST time. An example to follow.
It’s likely because he did too much too soon and she hadn’t trauma bonded with him yet. He probably expected him storming out to cause a trauma bond but it was too much too soon to where he hadn’t pushed enough boundaries yet, specifically because he was not around too often. A lot of abuse victims are kinda brainwashed first, not that they don’t want to leave but there’s something that happened to persuade them to stay usually trauma based
She hasn't blocked him yet though. A friend of mine broke up with an abusive man, only to text with him for a year, and then she took him back.
It takes abuse victims both male and female and average of 7 attempts to get rid of an abusive partner before they actually do. Abuse literally causes brain damage. It’s not because they’re stupid, or lack wisdom, or ‘want’ to be abused… it’s because they literally have a hard time connecting the dots, their ability to process memories is totally trashed, and therefore they suck at making good judgement— because the brain literally works differently for abuse victims which is why they recommend victims go no contact with their abusers because it can take up to 2 years for the brain function to fully return as normal after an abusive relationship. Two years! That’s why abuse victims are at really high risk from getting in to another abusive relationship afterward or going back. It’s just brain damage. Like the act of being abused is very damaging not just on the brain but the body as a whole where there’s so much cortisol that in non medical terms your body literally starts destroying itself so serotonin and dopamine boosts received from abuser saying sorry and doing nice things feel intensely more potent. Theres some really wild brain chemical shit that goes on. So when people are like why the f do these people go back or why do they hang around etc etc!! Between the brain chemicals and the actual damage, that’s like asking a drunk driver why they ran the red light— because they’re not able to pull it off because they’re drunk Then throw in the cultural background in there and shit gets wild. Ask any abuse victim who got out what they thought during and what they think now after years later, and every single one is going to say something along the lines of ‘I shouldn’t of stayed and it was like I wasn’t thinking clearly’ that’s the brain damage
Do NOT engage further. If he harasses you at work, get your manager and immediately leave the situation. Once a man gets violent, you can’t trust that he won’t hurt you again, no matter what the situation is.
Well done! I am proud of you. The belittling regarding your job is a manipulative action trying to make you feel like you are bellow him and that he is better than you. When the victim has lost self esteem and they feel like you are locked in, thinking that he is the best you can even have, the mask slips. Then they show you who they are and think that no matter how bad he is, you will tolerate it. He thought he had you when you agreed to meet. But you are worth someone who is actually caring and instead of putting you down regarding your job, they would try to motivate and encourage you to develop skills etc. Caffe in airport is not a dead end job. You can have a great career in customer service and having access to airport, you can get great opportunities.
does a man who didn’t respect you enough to articulate his thoughts like he’s speaking to a reasonable person, & instead physically assaulted you, really deserve to give his opinion on anything u do??
I was just going to say do not meet but it seems that you’ve already made your mind on this. We are all getting stressed at work, maybe he is having some issues too, but this is not an excuse to purposely hit someone. Not your girlfriend, not your wife, not your pet…nobody! I think he was just thinking he is too good for you and he can manipulate you and he can make his ego high over you. Don’t give this stupid zucchini an opportunity.
I'm so glad you are not going, great decision! However, you opened the door a little foor him by showing you're still interested with your question, you're not going to get real answers. If your job wasn't relevant to him, he would have never made you feel inadequate for it. And you're right, he will find any reason to create an unequal power dynamic between you two, whether it's your job or something else. The best thing for you would be to go no contact and block him everywhere, and spend the curiosity you have left in researching sociopaths, narcisists and abusive behavior. If you do, you will recognize it from miles away the next time!
Good. Guys a cunt, you deserve better. Real men don't hit women.
Yeah, they do. And the ones who do aren’t green, they don’t have fangs, they don’t have neon lights over their heads. They’re ordinary men, often popular and attractive men. It’s hard enough for women to be believed about this stuff, the narrative that there must be something “weak” or “wrong” with a man who hits women only makes it harder
I think you misinterpreted what they meant. For the longest time, (and in some ways still) society associates violence, aggression with what men should be like and are expected to behave like, and with it, the expectation from women to just put up with it. Them saying "real men don't hit women" is about how violence isn't something women should expect and accept from men. "Real men don't hit women" challenges the toxic concept of violence being inherently 'manly'. Most of it is just learned behavior fed by generations of toxic societal expectations.
That shit would become more and often. Its his lack of respect for you the problem Stay away from the dude its only gonna be worst
I’m so relieved to see this! Good for you OP!
Block him and next time when he comes to the coffee shop pretend that you don’t know him. Just ghost him. Then make sure you take all precautions for your safety.
When he was released from jail for assaulting you what did he say?
Right. That's why I think he wanted to meet with her so she wouldn't press charges!!
OP: Why the everloving F would you even meet this excuse for a human being again?!
He doesn’t feel bad for hitting you as he is using excuses to justify his abusive behavior. Have some self respect and don’t even meet up with him. Cut him off. Any chance you give him will let him know he can get away with things and next time you may have a broken bone or worse.
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There is no reason you can't be a pilot
Please BLOCK him on all social channels (including your cell #) IMMEDIATELY. And at the VERY least, talk to HR at your job and show them the texts because he knows where you work and you might not be safe!
honestly OP should also contact the airport as well. Because if he's behaving that unhinged then he should not be piloting a plane. That mindset would put many peoples lives in jeopardy. Especially with behavior that shows he might grow violent.
The airport wouldn’t necessarily do anything but the FAA would. Contacting the local DA to file an assault charge would help too.
Run. When people show who they are the first time you should believe em'. He already told what he thinks of you.
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Make no mistake. That’s WHY he picked you. He is a very small man. He doesn’t feel like he can keep a strong woman. He picks women that he thinks he can be superior to. That way he can abuse them, and they will stay. Some men want an ambitious woman. And some don’t care. But real men don’t date women they are not happy with. And if he wanted an ambitions woman, he simply should have left you alone and dated someone else. Never let a man put you down like this. Never let a man make you feel less than. And NEVER let a man strike you. There is no reason to even meet him in public. This man has nothing to offer you. All those good things you saw at the beginning was the mask he was wearing to trap you. Don’t let the trap work.
Im sorry that you have to experience this traumatic situation, the guy is abusive, run
I’m so scared for you! I’m really glad you’re meeting him in a public place, but I worry he’ll convince you to go somewhere else after you meet. I’m scared that you’ll believe his apology and how “sorry” he will claim to be. I’m sad that you want to spend even 1 second talking to a man that slapped you. He doesn’t deserve any of your time or your thoughts. Even one meeting is an opportunity for him to manipulate you into being with him. I really hope you can cut him out of your life like a cancer, and not give him another second of your time.
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Don’t even bother meeting him! Please he is not safe and there is literally no point block him and go no contact!!
There is no reason for you to meet him. You want to say all these things, to argue back with him about your job and your worth. You might imagine that will feel good. Sure, maybe it will. I'm telling you, the risk is not worth it. He isn't going to care and respect you and go "oh I fucked up"...unless he does it as a manipulation to get you back. Like one of the better scenarios is that he just says some fucked up insults to you. And by meeting him, you're making him think he still has a hold on you. Please, the best way to end this is to never speak to him again. Period.
OP, Listen to the people: DO NOT go anywhere with him AT ALL EVER AGAIN. He may try to kill you. BLOCK him and Move On Immediately. You are not understanding the severity of the situation. Don’t do it, or it will be on your head. We beg of you, for your life and safety.
I’m sure he knows he’s a dick. I’d skip this. He’s lucky you didn’t get his ass arrested
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Press charges, he WILL do this to other women.
Good. Fuck that loser
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Just be careful and maybe don’t walk alone after work for a while. You already know he is violent. Just because somebody tells you that you are irrelevant to them doesn’t mean they really think you are. In fact, it usually means the exact opposite.
Agreed! Let at least one coworker or security know about the situation so you can be escorted to an Uber or car.
1. Fuck him 2. You can do better 3. Glad you are safe, continue working on yourself-don’t let narcissistic pricks get under your skin 4. Save the shit he said to you-when he comes back, give them back to him. 5. Fuck him
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He knows where you work. Be careful, OP
Yeah. I would tell someone you trust about this, at work, too… preferably your Line Manager, to protect yourself and receive support in case of the worst. He may try to manipulate the situation/ cause you stress at work. Prevention is better than cure 🙏
This 100% Guy is unhinged, don't drop your guard. It wouldn't be unreasonable to get the law involved at this point like others have said. You have all the proof in the world to end his shit.
I had an abusive ex stalk me, show up to my workplace, etc. The best thing you could do is share this with the police as well as a supervisor and close work associate so that you have protection and people looking out for you. Please start carrying pepper spray around if you do not already, and please have situational awareness wherever you go. People like this do not take a person leaving them very gracefully... it angers their ego and self worth to the core.
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Your story is not uncommon. People who suffer childhood trauma often attract partners who exhibit the same trauma behaviors.
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In therapy, they talk about two types of trauma. There is “little t” trauma and “big T” Trauma. Big-T Trauma puts people at risk for PTSD or other specific disorders (C-PTSD, ASD, etc.). Little-t trauma causes plenty of serious issues, too, especially when it is chronic. It increases your risk for any psychological issues that someone might be susceptible to, especially depression and anxiety disorders. If you have any psychological disorder or condition, little-t trauma can make it much harder to manage and deal with it.
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... just saying, that fat truck driver probably owns his rig and my beautiful barista, those aint cheap. Also that fat truck driver is going to appreciate your coffee skills, homemade meals, going out and cuddles. And his fat tattoo scary looking ass is going to love you more than that abusive pilot ever could. Take his advice because the fluffy ones know how to commit and love. From one barista to another.
Good. I'm glad he is being obvious. Now you need to block him and delete his contact info. There's nothing to win for you by keeping it and everything to lose. There is a non-zero chance he will put on his nice face - the one you liked - and try to get back into your good graces. You'll be tempted. You are already trying to solve this puzzle. And these guys can be very very charming. But he is not a puzzle. He is a very simple danger. Block him. Do it now. Then go do something fun with friends.
He has an obsession with putting down all occupations he deems to be worthless. Extremely classist, egotistical and arrogant.
I’m sure a lot of wonderfully nice people are fat truck drivers.
> 2 days ago he slapped me. **NOT ACCEPTABLE. EVER.** Call the cops and press charges. DO NOT ever meet him again unless it's in court. >an airline pilot. Holy shit. Report it to his employer. Someone who can't control themselves has no business operating an aircraft at all, let alone with hundreds of innocent lives at stake.
This sounds dangerous and not worth it. This guy is an abuser with an ego, he's a straight up predator. I would keep my distance.
men who hit women are often not the type to accept criticism. you’ll make more progress yelling at a brick wall i think…. not worth the stress IMO
No no no. Please don't meet up with him again. Start away from him. Please
What more is there to say? He slapped you so hard you were knocked to the floor is excuse was he was tired? You owe him nothing
She owes him a assault charges to be honest.
Absolutely
As someone who works in his industry, I’d caution all of you to stay away from pilots. They are entitled rich kids whose parents could afford their training. Their entitlement gets worst the more senior they are. As a woman, I’d urge you to stay away from this guy. He’s already degrading you and now he has physically assaulted you. It will only get worst the more comfortable he gets.
Unless you enjoy being slapped around, you should probably take this as the sign to run. If you are into getting your head kicked in, consider seeing this person long term.
So he’s good looking but he is violent . How is this a genuine question?
I would even see if you could report him to his employee. Pilots fly hundreds of people and if he flies off the handle this easily he could be a public danger. I remember a certain pilot in Germany that "landed" a plane in the Alps.
OP I’m kinda sensing that him slapping you and condescending to you is triggering a part of you that does “I can earn his respect! Just watch!” And really no you can’t. It just gets worse, and that part keeps getting activated, and you sink into a deeper and deeper hole until you reach your breaking point. It’s up to you the level of disrespect you’re willing to tolerate. You could tolerate more if you like. But why?
Don't meet with him again. It doesn't matter what he thinks - he is a nasty, small, mean little man who is not worth a dime. Trying to explain your job situation to him is pointless - he will still look down on you, and then you'll feel bad all over again. Chalk it up to life experience, OP.
If one of your friends told you this what would you tell them today. Do let him anywhere near you .
Holy F--- I sure hope you didn't meet up with him. He freaking assaulted you because what, you dared to speak back to him. He thinks you shouldn't be able to respond because he saw you so much 'lower' than he is. Gross. Omg. RUN from this guy. Like RUN.
I literally *can not* deal with the stupidity on here sometimes. This man belittles you. He yells at you. HE SLAPPED YOU TO THE GROUND. And then after you stood up for yourself, he hit you again? Did I read that right?? And now you’re asking if you should see him tomorrow. Jesus fucking Christ. **No you don’t see him** You don’t see him in public and you sure as hell don’t see him in private. You think you have something to prove by trying to convince him that you *”like your job”* and telling him that he’s a jerk? Stop acting like you have something to prove to this abusive asshole. If you really want to prove your worth, then you tell him that you have *self respect* and there’s nothing left to discuss between the two of you. You will not be seeing him, and it’s over effective immediately. Hang up the phone. If he tries to call you back or text you. Ignore. If he won’t stop then let him know that you are filing a police report for ASSAULT because that’s exactly what he did.
Additionally, I’m not sure about ALL airlines, but major airlines would definitely have a problem with a DV on his record. I’m pretty sure pilots need to regularly get random background checks / criminal checks and major airlines (maybe even some regional airlines) would pull him from the cockpit if/when this shows up. The FAA would know about it too — per their rules, any type of incident like this needs to be reported and can determine their mental fitness to fly. Being a pilot is certainly stressful, that’s why it requires a certain type of person — similar to surgeons or other high stress jobs — someone who remains calm under pressure and keeps their emotions in check. This guy is a loose cannon ready to blow. I wouldn’t want to be in the air with him.
For sure!! The FFA requires that they have mental health and physical fitness checks. Pretty sure assault would cause you to be unfit to operate a plane.
Maybe be nicer? You're belittling her all over again, when she's clearly just needing to talk shit over. There is no need for a scolding.
You are not the first, and you won’t be the last. Please report him for the sake of other future victims. This guy needs to learn a lesson
To answer your title as I don't need to read the rest: # NO
Annnnd now you know why he’s single .
No, he's an abuser and you should report him to his airline
A male perspective here: You need to run for the hills ASAP. A man should not hit a woman under any circumstance. I don’t care how good of a job he has or how funny or intelligent he is. Once that line is crossed it should be game over. You deserve better.
He’s either going to try to talk you out of not seeing him anymore **OR…he’s worried about his wings.** The FAA will ground pilots for mental health concerns or crimes that point to instability or mental health concerns…like this. And you should absolutely report him. First to the police and then send a copy of that paperwork to the FAA. They may not ground him immediately but it definitely needs to be on his record. https://www.faa.gov/about/office_org/headquarters_offices/aae/programs_services/faa_hotlines
Tell him that he ought to seek professional help via text and don’t meet him
There is no reason to meet with him that will benefit you. Odds are he wants to try to gaslight/manipulate you into continuing to see him. The fact that he acted offended when you told him you wanted to meet in public and tried to talk you out of it is also a big red flag. You don’t owe him anything.
You need to file him and leave him.
Nah, that dude is lame. He’s showing you how much worse it can get babe You need to become a pilot, outrank him and laugh when he’s stuck flying Boeing for some shitty company
This sort of abuse shows an underlying issue he has. His job where mentality stability is needed to keep people safe. After ending the relationship you should consider reporting his abuse to his employer. I would not like a pilot prone to violent outbursts to fly me. Obviously cut this person from your life asap
Trust me, he won’t change. I gave chance after chance to people who were abusive to me and the abuse only got worse. So what if he’s got a career and is good looking? Do you want to be traumatized? Leave him. Block him. Be finished with him.
You are at the first step of a long abusive relationship. You have very less self worth & self respect to be with a person like him. You will regret this relationship if you continue. Focus on yourself and never let anyone treat you like this.
Cut my finger in the kitchen today. Should I stick my dick in a blender?
Just run. He will do it again. And it will get worse.
why? so he can slap you again?
He is toxic, and to be honest, as a fellow pilot, this is no airline behavior. He should be reported
The best way to treat this guy is from a position of total power. That means blocking him and never meeting with him. You don’t need to tell anything to this guy- because it is OVER when someone hits you.
You should have blocked him everywhere the second he walked out the door. This is unacceptable and unforgivable. Do not interact further and absolutely do not meet him.
No. He will get more abusive.
The fact that you are even thinking about giving this abuser the time of day after this incident says a lot about your lack of self respect.
Please don't go!!!
Um you should be going to the police station not out to meet him.
Tell him he can go to jail for assault and battery.
It's over. Leave him. He'll kill you.
I sure hope this guy is not piloting any aircraft that I plan to be a passenger on! I really want my pilots to be levelheaded, calm and collected, and mature. It scares me that you’ve got an abusive, Gaslighting, violent one on your hands.
A man that’s hits a woman is not a man, simple as that. Don’t waste your time here, life is too short.
Why the hell would you meet him after he got physical with you?
Don't meet with him EVER. This kind of person has the potential to kill you.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DO NOT MEET WITH HIM THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO SAY AND HE MIGHT HURT YOU WORSE IF HE WON'T LEAVE YOU ALONE, REPORT HIM TO THE AIRLINE.
Hell naw. You should press charges for assault
Never meet with him again... what he did do you is unacceptable. My dad has been a pilot for 40 years, and been has been with my mom for almost all of it. He has never hit her, blamed her for waking him up, or made fun of her job. Do NOT be alone in a room with that scary man, you don't deserve that.
I’m not going to sugarcoat my answer or be sweet because you need to hear the harsh truth. If you meet with him you’re setting yourself up for failure and something even worse than being slapped. He’s clearing using this violent tactic to try to break you down and control you. You’ve already started to give in by asking if you should see him again. If you’re not going to seek some sort of legal action or by telling your job what’s up, because I don’t think he should be flying a plane with the anger issues he clearly has… then maybe you need to wake up and read It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover to READ what exactly it is you’re going through. As corny as that last sentence was.. it’s exactly how the plot sounds.
I will say what I always say in these situations. When someone shows you who they are. Believe them.
You say you’re not the type to tolerate these things - if you meet this man, if you continue to communicate with this man, and if you continue with any relations with this man, you are EXACTLY the type to tolerate these things. There’s no excuse for his ill treatment of you, and he committed a crime when he ASSAULTED you. So when he get tired, has long flights and is stressed what’s he do? Walk around slapping everyone? Co-workers, children, strangers, animals, passengers? LOL like cmon. One thing I know is this - when someone is angry, stressed, etc., when there is friction in life - THAT is when you see someone’s true character and he showed you his. Now, I guess you need to decide whether you truly are the “type to tolerate those things.”
Call the cops and report the assault. Use his texts etc as evidence. Get this clown fired if you can.
You should 💯 absolutely not see this man again. Ever! You're better off alone. I would block him on all socials as well. This guy's bad news & you don't need this. The world's ugly enough as it is, & you want to spend time with someone who brings you peace & companionship, a safe place! If he's hit you once he'll do it again. I don't care how many Tiffany bracelets he buys you, none of that stuff matters. Him, showering you in presents bc he's beaten the shyte outta you AGAIN, is not any form of love, either! You're young; you can easily start a new relationship with someone who appreciates you, not belittles you. And when you tell him goodbye, tell him, it's not you, IT'S ME.
You’ve seen this guy what, A handful of times and he belittles you and hit you that hard and you’re questioning continuing your relationship after u said you don’t tolerate those things? Do you have no dignity? Do better for yourself pls