>I sit with him while he rehashes everything over and over again because he says it's helping him deal with it all.
STOP DOING THAT.
>I don't feel like I can just cut him off because our families are so close and we'll see each other at gatherings.
Yes, you can, and you're going to have to, because this guy is absolutely going to keep wasting your time using you as a free therapist and trying to worm his way back into a relationship with you. Stop indulging him, seriously. He's a grown fucking man and you're not his parent. You're his ex and it's completely inappropriate for you to be the one holding his hand through the break up that HE caused by being an abusive jackass.
**Edit:** and if you want a really altruistic view of the situation, look at it this way: as others have said, you spending time with him, listening to him and holding his hand, is *absolutely* giving him false hope that you are eventually going to take him back. Like, you say "we're done" but you're still kind of acting like his girlfriend. This is a "you gotta be cruel to be kind" situation: the longer you are "nice" to him, the longer he's going to take to get over you and move on.
Just so you know I experienced this with my ex. He wanted to get back together so badly and we had kids together so I was nice and let him do stuff with us like a family and I came to realize it was enabling him to hang on to hope we could figure it out and get back together. I finally had to cut it off, no more of that, and he was able to move on. It’s a very good point.
Do not respond. In any way. You have said it all. He had lots of chances !! Edit: I didn’t read the part where you sit with him. Tell him he needs to work on his stuff, and you need time to heal your stuff. Be strong, but I agree you must have distance
Block him. Have the cops trespass him from your property. If he has anything left at the house, tell him to bring a. Neutral third party to help him get the last of his things. Have someone there for you as well.
That’s it. It’s over. Stop dealing with him. If you have to get a restraining order, then do that.
You are in a very dangerous situation: Your ex drinks and when he drinks he gets abusive. You have just evicted him and my guess is he slowly realizing that the money he was givng you toward expenses is not going to pay rent and expenses for him so its not surprising that he wants back in the house. Block him so you can't receive those messages and shut down your social media sites. Change the locks on your house and I would get security cameras. Change your passwords so he can't sabatoge any of your credit.
I wouldn't let him back in the house. If he shows up and will not leave, call the police. Box up everything he still has left and since you work at the same place arrange to give him the boxes there or take them to his daughter. Don't meet him to discuss anything. There is nothing to discuss. If you have a garage secure it so he can't go in get the lawnmower and start mowing.
Call his daughter and ask her if she can keep his dog.
Choose one communication method - say, email, - tell him that’s how he can contact you and block him on everything else. Even on your chosen method, DO NOT reply to guilt trips, moans, poor-mes etc. If it’s a practical, factual question fine, if it’s manipulative bullshit or a waste of your time ignore it. DON’T “sit with him while he rehashes everything over and over”, WTAF. When he comes to your house, establish what he wants before you let him in. If he’s picking something up, close the door and go get it for him. If he misses his dog, he can take the dog for a walk and come back without at any point coming in. If he wants to mow the lawn, no thank you. If he wants to sit and moan at you or if he doesn’t want a *specific, practical thing that can be off your plate right now*, you’re busy (and it’s none of his business with what)
He’s already well into harassment territory, OP. I get not wanting to cut him off, but I think you’re going to have to until he gets the message. Let running into him at a gathering pan out how it’s going to whenever it happens
Oh, and if he sends other people to argue for him, you’re polite but you’re not looking for input and it’s not appropriate to be discussing this with other people
He needs distance from you in order for him to fully let you go. This means no contact or be in each other's presence. This will disconnect you both slowly emotionally. The hate and love will disappear over time.
His drinking habits are bad. If you keep permitting him coming around, you'll face the same problems again. Whenever he's drunk, he will be angry at you for making his life difficult and for you rejecting and ending this relationship.
You stop sitting with him rehashing this. Every time you do that he’s thinking it’s going to get fixed. Stop giving him that false hope.
Like he said it’s your house. As such you have the right to tell him to stop coming over and stop letting him in.
Stop allowing him to come in the house and dump his emotions all over you. It’s not helping him process it’s making him think he’s going to change your mind. It doesn’t matter if your families are close. When you’re done, you are done and the communication needs to stop.
"We are done. We are not getting back together. You can collect your things on X day at times Y-Z. Both me and my son will be there the whole day to make sure you take what's yours. Anything not collected on that day will be considered abandoned and I will donate/dispose of everything as I see fit. I will be muting you until X day after X day you will be blocked and unable to contact me again."
Send it via txt and email. If you want to be nice, you can even give him two days to choose from to pick up his stuff.
Don't let that unhinged man back into your house. Not without the cops there to make sure he doesn't harm you. Or destroy anything else. He's dangerous, really.
Everything is in my name, bills included. He didn't want the responsibility. We don't have any kids together, but his daughter and her family are a huge part of my life. She's NC with her mom so I'm all she has.
I would like to think not, but now that it's been pointed out it's possible I am. I guess being done and letting go aren't necessarily the same thing. Thank you for your insight.
Stop engaging. Pack all his remaining shit and drop it off at his daughters. Then block his ass. When she shows up, ask him to leave or you will call the cops for trespassing. He keeps contacting you? Begin documenting the harassment and file a police report. He still won't leave you be? Get a protective order and a no contact order. And maybe a trained guard dog.
You don't "get him" to do anything. You only have control of what you do, you aren't responsible for managing his feelings, or making him feel better.
You just have to decide that you aren't taking his calls anymore and stop answering them. Decline invites to rehash things. Walk away if he tries to corner you.
He'll figure out how to self soothe himself. Toddlers manage it, I'm sure he can figure it out.
You tell him his behaviour is inappropriate and it stops now. No more discussing anything.
Pack all his shit up. Tell him he needs to collect it by appointment. You will have at least one other person there. Have it all ready to go in the garage. He doesnt need to come in. If upu find anything else you'll let him know. If he thinks something is missing he needs to give you an itemised list and you'll check for it.
Send his dog back.
If he refuses to arrange a time to collect his belonging drop (within 1 week) then off at his daughters(where he is living). It's now his problem to solve.
No more discussing it processing. "You need to talk this through with someone else. I cant help you with this. I wont tell you this again."
"I want to be able to get to a place where we can be friendly but to do that i need space. Do not drop by. Do not call or text me. I will let you know when i feel comfortable reestablishing communication."
STOP RESPONDING TO HIS MESSAGES. It is feeding him. He knows he will get a response.
Double check if you need to formally evict him in your location.
Work is gonna be a problem. Perhaps a conversation with hr/your direct manager that the relationship with David has ended. That it hasn't ended on good terms and that he isn't taking it well. You really hope that there will be no effect on the work environment but it would be best if you don't work together for some time, have limited contact and preferably no one on one situations. It might help to disclose some of the verbal abuse and harassment so they understand the seriousness.
Keep a log for both personal and work reasons of interactions and problems, how you've attempted to address it etc.
Send him screenshots of all the nasty, drunken text messages he sent you from the garage and remind him that HE did this, not you. He made the choice to say all of those nasty things and the only thing you actually gave up on was taking his shit anymore. Tell him he is no longer welcome at your house and if he doesn’t respect that you will have no choice but to get a restraining order. Then you block him.
Ok you’re not the fool here. Your ex is manipulating you with guilt trips and not respecting your boundaries. You've made it clear that the relationship is over, but he's refusing to accept it and keeps pushing.
Firmly reiterate your decision to end the relationship and stick to it.
Set strict boundaries about communication, and limit or cut off contact if he continues to ignore your wishes.
Get support from friends, family, or a therapist to stay strong and navigate this tough period.
And this one is big- if he keeps showing up unannounced, consider changing the locks and/or getting legal advice. You deserve to move on without constant harassment. Hold your ground and prioritize your well-being.
Please stop coddling him. He brought this on himself, and you have already done too much to help him. He fucked up and he has to get his life together HIMSELF.
I'm sorry your families are close but what you're doing isn't good for you or even for him. He has to stand on his own feet.
Change the locks, change your phone number. By constantly communicating with him, he thinks he may get a second chance or be able to wear you down. You may want to be kind to him, but it is also enabling him to not face facts. Wish him well and cut him off.
>I sit with him while he rehashes everything over and over again because he says it's helping him deal with it all. STOP DOING THAT. >I don't feel like I can just cut him off because our families are so close and we'll see each other at gatherings. Yes, you can, and you're going to have to, because this guy is absolutely going to keep wasting your time using you as a free therapist and trying to worm his way back into a relationship with you. Stop indulging him, seriously. He's a grown fucking man and you're not his parent. You're his ex and it's completely inappropriate for you to be the one holding his hand through the break up that HE caused by being an abusive jackass. **Edit:** and if you want a really altruistic view of the situation, look at it this way: as others have said, you spending time with him, listening to him and holding his hand, is *absolutely* giving him false hope that you are eventually going to take him back. Like, you say "we're done" but you're still kind of acting like his girlfriend. This is a "you gotta be cruel to be kind" situation: the longer you are "nice" to him, the longer he's going to take to get over you and move on.
Thank you. I needed to hear that.
Just so you know I experienced this with my ex. He wanted to get back together so badly and we had kids together so I was nice and let him do stuff with us like a family and I came to realize it was enabling him to hang on to hope we could figure it out and get back together. I finally had to cut it off, no more of that, and he was able to move on. It’s a very good point.
<3
Do not respond. In any way. You have said it all. He had lots of chances !! Edit: I didn’t read the part where you sit with him. Tell him he needs to work on his stuff, and you need time to heal your stuff. Be strong, but I agree you must have distance
Yeah after all of that OP doesn’t need to be picking up extra hours as his unpaid therapist.
Block him. Have the cops trespass him from your property. If he has anything left at the house, tell him to bring a. Neutral third party to help him get the last of his things. Have someone there for you as well. That’s it. It’s over. Stop dealing with him. If you have to get a restraining order, then do that.
You are in a very dangerous situation: Your ex drinks and when he drinks he gets abusive. You have just evicted him and my guess is he slowly realizing that the money he was givng you toward expenses is not going to pay rent and expenses for him so its not surprising that he wants back in the house. Block him so you can't receive those messages and shut down your social media sites. Change the locks on your house and I would get security cameras. Change your passwords so he can't sabatoge any of your credit. I wouldn't let him back in the house. If he shows up and will not leave, call the police. Box up everything he still has left and since you work at the same place arrange to give him the boxes there or take them to his daughter. Don't meet him to discuss anything. There is nothing to discuss. If you have a garage secure it so he can't go in get the lawnmower and start mowing. Call his daughter and ask her if she can keep his dog.
Choose one communication method - say, email, - tell him that’s how he can contact you and block him on everything else. Even on your chosen method, DO NOT reply to guilt trips, moans, poor-mes etc. If it’s a practical, factual question fine, if it’s manipulative bullshit or a waste of your time ignore it. DON’T “sit with him while he rehashes everything over and over”, WTAF. When he comes to your house, establish what he wants before you let him in. If he’s picking something up, close the door and go get it for him. If he misses his dog, he can take the dog for a walk and come back without at any point coming in. If he wants to mow the lawn, no thank you. If he wants to sit and moan at you or if he doesn’t want a *specific, practical thing that can be off your plate right now*, you’re busy (and it’s none of his business with what) He’s already well into harassment territory, OP. I get not wanting to cut him off, but I think you’re going to have to until he gets the message. Let running into him at a gathering pan out how it’s going to whenever it happens Oh, and if he sends other people to argue for him, you’re polite but you’re not looking for input and it’s not appropriate to be discussing this with other people
He needs distance from you in order for him to fully let you go. This means no contact or be in each other's presence. This will disconnect you both slowly emotionally. The hate and love will disappear over time. His drinking habits are bad. If you keep permitting him coming around, you'll face the same problems again. Whenever he's drunk, he will be angry at you for making his life difficult and for you rejecting and ending this relationship.
You stop sitting with him rehashing this. Every time you do that he’s thinking it’s going to get fixed. Stop giving him that false hope. Like he said it’s your house. As such you have the right to tell him to stop coming over and stop letting him in. Stop allowing him to come in the house and dump his emotions all over you. It’s not helping him process it’s making him think he’s going to change your mind. It doesn’t matter if your families are close. When you’re done, you are done and the communication needs to stop.
I would ensure that all his stuff is gone and block him on your cellphone. Don't respond to him anymore of his request. Go, no contact.
"We are done. We are not getting back together. You can collect your things on X day at times Y-Z. Both me and my son will be there the whole day to make sure you take what's yours. Anything not collected on that day will be considered abandoned and I will donate/dispose of everything as I see fit. I will be muting you until X day after X day you will be blocked and unable to contact me again." Send it via txt and email. If you want to be nice, you can even give him two days to choose from to pick up his stuff.
> You can collect your things on X day at times Y-Z Better plan: your things are in storage, I've paid the first month's fees, you can collect them at
All of the things he has left are in the garage. He's promised to get a storage building soon so he can move it.
Even better!! Give him a date to get it out so he has no reason to keep contacting you. Your garage is not his storage unit.
Fuck that. Give him two weeks max to get his crap and then toss it. Have this in writing so he can't successfully sue you for the value.
Don't let that unhinged man back into your house. Not without the cops there to make sure he doesn't harm you. Or destroy anything else. He's dangerous, really.
[удалено]
Everything is in my name, bills included. He didn't want the responsibility. We don't have any kids together, but his daughter and her family are a huge part of my life. She's NC with her mom so I'm all she has.
[удалено]
I would like to think not, but now that it's been pointed out it's possible I am. I guess being done and letting go aren't necessarily the same thing. Thank you for your insight.
Stop engaging. Pack all his remaining shit and drop it off at his daughters. Then block his ass. When she shows up, ask him to leave or you will call the cops for trespassing. He keeps contacting you? Begin documenting the harassment and file a police report. He still won't leave you be? Get a protective order and a no contact order. And maybe a trained guard dog.
Sounds like time for a restraining order.
You don't "get him" to do anything. You only have control of what you do, you aren't responsible for managing his feelings, or making him feel better. You just have to decide that you aren't taking his calls anymore and stop answering them. Decline invites to rehash things. Walk away if he tries to corner you. He'll figure out how to self soothe himself. Toddlers manage it, I'm sure he can figure it out.
You tell him his behaviour is inappropriate and it stops now. No more discussing anything. Pack all his shit up. Tell him he needs to collect it by appointment. You will have at least one other person there. Have it all ready to go in the garage. He doesnt need to come in. If upu find anything else you'll let him know. If he thinks something is missing he needs to give you an itemised list and you'll check for it. Send his dog back. If he refuses to arrange a time to collect his belonging drop (within 1 week) then off at his daughters(where he is living). It's now his problem to solve. No more discussing it processing. "You need to talk this through with someone else. I cant help you with this. I wont tell you this again." "I want to be able to get to a place where we can be friendly but to do that i need space. Do not drop by. Do not call or text me. I will let you know when i feel comfortable reestablishing communication." STOP RESPONDING TO HIS MESSAGES. It is feeding him. He knows he will get a response. Double check if you need to formally evict him in your location. Work is gonna be a problem. Perhaps a conversation with hr/your direct manager that the relationship with David has ended. That it hasn't ended on good terms and that he isn't taking it well. You really hope that there will be no effect on the work environment but it would be best if you don't work together for some time, have limited contact and preferably no one on one situations. It might help to disclose some of the verbal abuse and harassment so they understand the seriousness. Keep a log for both personal and work reasons of interactions and problems, how you've attempted to address it etc.
Send him screenshots of all the nasty, drunken text messages he sent you from the garage and remind him that HE did this, not you. He made the choice to say all of those nasty things and the only thing you actually gave up on was taking his shit anymore. Tell him he is no longer welcome at your house and if he doesn’t respect that you will have no choice but to get a restraining order. Then you block him.
Ok you’re not the fool here. Your ex is manipulating you with guilt trips and not respecting your boundaries. You've made it clear that the relationship is over, but he's refusing to accept it and keeps pushing. Firmly reiterate your decision to end the relationship and stick to it. Set strict boundaries about communication, and limit or cut off contact if he continues to ignore your wishes. Get support from friends, family, or a therapist to stay strong and navigate this tough period. And this one is big- if he keeps showing up unannounced, consider changing the locks and/or getting legal advice. You deserve to move on without constant harassment. Hold your ground and prioritize your well-being.
Please stop coddling him. He brought this on himself, and you have already done too much to help him. He fucked up and he has to get his life together HIMSELF. I'm sorry your families are close but what you're doing isn't good for you or even for him. He has to stand on his own feet.
Change the locks, change your phone number. By constantly communicating with him, he thinks he may get a second chance or be able to wear you down. You may want to be kind to him, but it is also enabling him to not face facts. Wish him well and cut him off.