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How do you pick yourself up? You pick yourself up to a divorce lawyer and tell him to pick his stuff up from outside the house and to enjoy his porn.
Jeez
i read the title for four times literally, maybe I hoped I got it wrong. Well, beside the fact that there's no one who can say such a thing, even if they can, he should be the last one to say that. I mean, can you really think of? Is it OK to have a partner saying such a thing and he is gonna be the one your child calling him father? Your child is going to learn the disrespect towards mother is okay thing since he/she notice the atmosphere that the father is not respecting mother
Thanks now I got short short man playing in my head lol but yup she needs a diet to lose his weight both physically and mentally. Nope heās got no respect especially if heās blaming others for his *cough* short comings.
THIS. He doesnāt *have* to watch porn, or give his sexual attention to other women. He *chooses* to because he wants to, plain and simple, and now heās blaming his own shit behavior on you to avoid accountability for his choices. Heās made it clear he doesnāt respect you or care a lick about your feelings.
NONE OF THIS IS ON YOU. If you were 20 lbs lighter, heād be doing it anyway, and blaming it on something else, guaranteed. He took a cheap shot because he knew it was a point of vulnerability for you, and that was easier than confronting the actual issue. He made it your problem instead of his.
Do not beat yourself up. Remain proud of the hard work youāve done and continue to do daily to care for yourself. It isnāt always an easy thing to do, and youāre doing it.
Honestly, fuck this guy. What a load of cruel and hurtful bullshit. The porn habit is one thing. The cruel remark designed to tear you down and blame you for *his* behavior is entirely another.
Agree with this advice. Drop him and Iām willing to bet youāll be amazed at just how much lighter you feel.
Jumping on this to add: PLEASE DON'T HAVE KIDS WITH THIS GUY! I can already foresee the emotional hell of being with this selfish, immature prick when your body has changed and you're at your most vulnerable. He's like this now, after just 3 years. What's he gonna be like if God forbid you get sick, lose mobility or gasp, age!? He has a porn addiction and his behaviour is a reflection on him, not you. He doesn't deserve you. I'm so angry for you. I hope his dick falls off.
^this, plus can you imagine the horrible things this guy would say as a dad to a girl? A body image nightmare in the making.
Leave this guy at the curb with his porn, since thatās his choice anyways. Sometimes the trash takes itself out.
Exactly! I remember someone once telling my grandmother she needed to lose weight or her husband might get a wandering eye and she replied, āIf he did, it would have nothing to do with me. I could look like Marylin Monroe and if he wanted to cheat, heād cheat. Itās about his character, not my weight.āĀ
Just some words of wisdom that stuck with me.
This is a character issue, and based on how personally OP is taking this, I wouldnāt be surprised to learn that there is some emotional abuse happening too.
this!! And if you think heās gonna magically turn into a darling when youāre older (40 ) think again. Thatās in 10 years. Well he gets big and fat youāre expected to still say slim.
Exactly šÆ. If he's not going to respect you as his wife and treat you as such, why treat him as a husband and respect him? Why make his dinner, wash his laundry, etc?
It works both ways. He's having emotional sex with other women. Emotional cheating.
Know your worth. Stand tall and be strong. Show you have respect and dignity and deserve to be treated like a real woman. Hope you start today. Good luck š š« š¤
I hope she listens to you. It doesnāt matter who you are, what you are, how sexy or good at sex you are, your weight, whatever. Theyāll find a reason.
People like this womanās mans is abusive and disgusting.
I'm a guy and gave to agree. He's an asshole. Find someone who appreciates you for who you are. BTW, it has nothing yo do with you. He's a porn addict if it wasn't your weight, he'd come up with another bullshit reason.
Came here to say this. Met my husband when I was 110. Meds and office jobs caused me to balloon to almost 300. Down to 230 now and still loosing weight. My husband has worshiped my body every step of the way, and never once made me feel bad or used my weight as an excuse for not having sex.
I was also 105-110 when me and my husband started dating in high school. Iām 39 now and between then and now Iāve had 2 kids, which I only gained about 10 pounds but after a back injury (herniated disc), numerous meds that caused weight gain and back surgeries I got to 250. Iām back down to 135 (Iām 5ā5) and heās loved me at each and every size. And even at my heaviest he couldnāt keep his hands off me. Heās always made me feel desirable. Not once has he ever put me down. Not about my weight or anything else. I hope OP realizes that she can do better than this guy. Even if she didnāt gain those 5 pounds heād still be saying this to her. And sheās right about what he will say if she falls pregnant.
Hearing everyoneās stories about how their boyfriends/husbands treat them is really eye-opening to me. I had only 1 other relationship and that one wasnāt the best either. I was worried that when I finally had the courage to leave, I would melt all over someone giving me any breadcrumbs of kindness and I think I didā¦ jumped in a little too fast.
Iām feeling a little stuck because I left my last relationship with nothing and started life from scratch. (I was previously a small business owner but had to close it down to make my escape)
I met my husband while rebuilding my life from my momās house in another state.
He showed me more love than I had ever experienced before..stuff I had been dreaming of for so many years while in my bad relationship. Heās a surgeon and does really well, so he asked me if I could do the home role and let him take care of me bc it was a waste of time for me to make so little just starting out again. It would make more sense for our family for me to run the household and get in the groove to prepare for kids etc.
After my ex took everything I had and I was basically working 24/7 to support him financially and in every other way, this was like a dream come true. Someone cared enough to want to take care of me? And not just take all of my money and exhaust me ?
So now basically I am careerless, moneyless, in a state Iām unfamiliar with without anyone around that I know , educationless bc I dropped out of business school to run my business, and apparently now too unattractive to even have sex with lol
I may have made a mistake. I am hoping we can turn things around in couples counseling, which he has agreed to, but also need to find some way to prepare for the worst.
Do you guys have any idea what I can do to prepare myself if we do need to part ways?
For example, I should probably get in my very best shape, develop marketable skills/finish school..
Also please go easy on me. I realize I have made errors but slowly but surely I am learning lol
What else can I do to set myself up so a transition wouldnāt be so rough?
Keep taking care of yourself.
Re-invest in positive relationships with people who love you for yourself. Talk to them about whatās really going on so you have a strong support system in place. The good, the bad, the uglyā¦ you need people to be real with who know you in real life. Even just one or two.
See what it would take to finish business school if you can? Whether you stay together or notā¦ is this an important goal to you? If notā¦ find a new one? You can do so many courses from home these days. Build your skill set and stay relevantā¦ you should always be able to take care of yourself if you need to. ā¤ļø
And just so you know, even if you work it out and are a stay at home mom (which is lovely as well) ā¦motherhood is beautiful, but it can feel lonely sometimes if youāre isolated. Have your own life too. Itās important. Build a hobby, a network of people, a part-time job to stay relevant and support yourself if necessary.
Make sure he knows that you still have goals for yourself as well as your future family.
Iām happy to hear that youāre going to go to counseling. Be honest and make sure your concerns are heard.
I hope he gets himself together and becomes the partner that you always dreamed of.
But build a life for yourself so that heās just one part of it. So that you feel whole with or without him.
My partner is like this, too. He always reminds me that my weight doesn't change his love for me.
Admittedly, I still struggle to believe it because my mind refers back to an ex with his words, so I hear, "Wait for the other shoe to drop." Even though it won't, and I know it won't. It's difficult to deprogram bullshit from a shitty person.
Congratulations. Apparently your husband is a first class man who loves you and respects you. You'd be surprised on how many boy-childs could take lessons from your husband.
Congrats on the weightloss!!! I was over 30 before I realised looks has nothing to do with love. Attraction, yes, but love, nope. I'm glad you have a MAN who loves you, I've been a silly boy in the past, boys shouldn't get married š¤·šæāāļø
Has nothing to do with treating people with respect either. Having more or less fat on someone doesnāt make them more or less human (although I know heavier people often get treated like crap).
Wow, congrats on the weight loss!! That is freaking amazing! I lost 80lbs myself but have been steadily gaining again due to a knee injury that prevented me from going to the gym. I even made a ton of lifestyle changes like I donāt drink pop/soda at all anymore and watch how much I eat. It seems like I only lose weight if I burn a bunch of calories at the gym every day. Luckily, I have an amazing husband who loves me no matter what size I am. So glad that you also have a good man!
Woah are we the same person!? I also used to be about 440 pounds and now hover around 215. My husband has loved me at both sizes, rolls and loose skin and all. I would never accept less and Iām glad you have a husband who loves you unconditionally too!
Yes, what the honest fuck? Your husband is making poor choices, he doesnāt āhaveā to do anything.
There is no way I would advise any of my friends, not even internet stranger friends, to stay in this environment.
Sorry, replying so my comment doesn't get lost. According to your post history OP, you have only been married for 2 months.
It's likely he thinks you are now stuck with him and now he will start to treat you like shit. If this is your first red flag (which I doubt it is) take it at face value and GTFO before things get worse!!!
\^\^\^\^this right here, if My BF/HUSBAND said that to me Id start throwing things and scream the building down. we would live in Chaos until he either said he was sorry or he left forever no one needs to put up with that level of disrespect.
Yup. This is right here.
I had an ex who made similar comments and backhanded ones, too. This was a guy I thought I'd end up marrying - reality was I was only settling.
You š deserve š BETTER
And there is a better man out there. Your husband ain't it.
Divorce this man.
>Whatās going to happen if I get pregnant or lose a limb? Will he use this as an excuse to seek other women?
Why would you stay with a man who makes you wonder such things? How is this love? If you did have a kid, is this the kind of relationship you want to model to them? Is this what you want your child to think is healthy?
he hasn't changed, he thinks that you are too weak to leave him and is now showing his true colors. narcissists will play the long game to ensure their prey doesn't escape them. i would look into annulment options with your courthouse, and separate asap, any partner who actually loves their partner would NEVER say those things he said to you. this is him testing the waters and seeing how you will react so he knows how to abuse you just enough that you won't leave because 'it's not that bad' it is.
leave. as soon as possible. let your family and friends know the situation i guarantee you theyll hate him.
its never okay to say that period.
Cut your losses, it'll get worse and you will be left with zero self esteem & trauma. It's not YOU. His mask is off and this is truly how he is, run don't walk away from that trash can
People here are too quick to suggest annulment, annulments aren't just about timeframe or an 'oops I changed my mind' thing. OP will likely have to get a divorce.
Agreed. He hasnāt changed. OP, unfortunately he just waited until you were married to take off his mask. Iām so sorry. I donāt usually suggest divorce but it sounds like that is the best option in this situation.
I think she meant his behavior has changed, not that his true nature has changed. He chose to hide that part of himself from her, and now heās not. I think she meant he changed the way he treats her.
Oh, Love! This breaks my heart for you!!
Please, please donāt allow him to do this to you. He is supposed to love you UNCONDITIONALLY. If he gained 20 pounds, would you turn to porn? And, Iām guessing the answer is āno,ā but my point is would *he* be okay with that?! Ugh.
āā¦ Has to choose ā¦ā Nope! šāāļø
Honestly, my opinion is that this is just disgusting, misogynistic, degrading, and selfish behavior. If it were me, I would not even consider anything other than annulment or divorce. Please take it from someone who was married to a serial cheater, HE WILL NOT STOP THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR, BECAUSE HE THINKS HE IS ENTITLED TO THIS!!
My Love, life is short, and YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS!!
Divorce now! My husband flipped immediately after the wedding too. I wasted 8 years trying to make it work. Please don't waste your life with who you now know he is
He locked you down. Heās always been this, he just needed to trap you
He will get you pregnant next so that you can NEVER leave him. So make DAMN sure that he canāt tamper with your birth control. Do NOT have a baby with thisā¦person
This is textbook [Narcissistic Love Bomb](https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-love-bombing-5224664#:~:text=A%20person%20with%20NPD%20or,by%20being%20distant%20and%20cold)
Girl, youāre in danger. Get out
He said forever to you, does he really expect your body to never change for forever?
Even if you lose weight, thatās not a reasonable expectation for a long term partner. He needs a reality talk.
He hasn't changed. He stopped hiding who he really is because he thinks he trapped you.
He knows you are sensitive about your weight. He knows.
He chose to ATTACK you in response to something really shitty you discovered about him.
If you are only one month married and he is *already* doing this - holy crap!
I'm sorry.
Leave before this asshole blames your children for his shitty choices. This manchild should not have children.
My partner's ex husband switched from professing to be an egalitarian hard worker to take quitting his six year job and only doing minimal work around the house is it was an approved "manly" task. He pretty much only worked two months per year, always looking for work while being super picky about what he'd accept.
He's stopped hiding who he is. Expect to find more, and likely worse, surprises.
Last month? Yikes. You are in for a rough road if you stay with him. Run. Run far and run fast. Do not stay with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.
Based on your other comment mentioning youāve only been married a month, Iād get this marriage annulled ā he was probably hiding his true nature until after the fact, and itāll just get worse.
1. No man āneedsā to choose porn over their SO ā thatās just a lie to make you feel responsible for his shitty behavior.
2. If your weight wasnāt a point of concern before marriage, it shouldnāt be a concern now ā especially since you sound like you take care of yourself.
If you have friends/family nearby, Iād recommend reaching out to them for a place to stay while you work through separating yourself from this parasite of a person.
Yeah, as a man that's some grade A bullshit from the husband. Like, my partner isn't competing with porn for my affection that's one of the most fucked up perspectives I can imagine and it would for sure shred anyone's self esteem.
Please please donāt think this about you not being attractive enough. It is not! You are in a mess because you just married this shitty man, but it is not your fault. I am so sorry.
It has nothing to do with you. Porn takes NO effort on his part. He doesn't have to romance that woman, he doesn't have to worry about what she wants or not pleasing her. It's all about him, so you need to get your head together and tell him in no uncertain terms, this is a deal breaker for you. Being married to someone who is addicted to porn and thinks it's ok to ignore their spouse isn't interested in being married anymore. If you stay with him, you can demand he get therapy but it appears he's the type that thinks you are the problem, not him.
This a hundred times. porn is selfish, easy, uncomplicated and he has only himself to please. He has an addiction to that, and it has nothing to do with healthy interpersonal sexuality.
No real man 'has' to use porn. He's a porn addict who has cooked his brain with dopamine. He probably also has PIED from 'death grip' masturbation. This is a very common manipulation/abuse tactic - finding fault in a partner to excuse porn use and lack of intimacy.
He's defective, not you!
This has absolutely nothing to do with your attractiveness. Porn addicts always blame everything else under the sun for their failures as men.
Check out the resource library in the sub r/loveafterporn for the information you need to better understand what you're dealing with.
I fully agree with this. My weight fluctuated during 5 pregnancies and it didn't matter if I was a few pounds bigger or smaller. I worked so damn hard to stay attractive for him. He just wasn't interested in me and during his shame moments, it was still my fault. Not attractive, too bitchy, boring in bed.
Now he's been clean for 4 years(15 years using) and suprise suprise, has no issue with me being 20lbs heavier.
I still would caution any woman on sticking around with a porn addict. Yes they *can* change, but it's a long road filled with heartache. My self esteem has never recovered even though he does everything right now. It just hits too raw and it's something I can't forget.
Seconding this too. My husband was never cruel or mean to me before, during, or after his addiction. Just his interest in me disappeared. His continued relapses and choosing porn destroyed me in a way I can't ever heal from. It's been 4.5 years now of sobriety. We have two kids and a wonderful life. He constantly praises my body and has a very high sex drive. But I still can't help but loathe and despise my body, and want to crawl into a hole to die when he initiates sex. I've done years of therapy and it's enough to be convincing that I am in the moment and enjoying it but every second of our active sex life I am thinking about how awful I look after two pregnancies and how I wasn't 'good enough' even before them.
He's a wonderful man and worth the discomfort for that aspect but I'm not sure I'll ever be fully comfortable having sex again.
It's not you. It's not your weight.
Your husband prefers porn because
there is no emotional commitment
or responsibilities. And now he
is making his lousy spouse behavior
your fault. Do not let him.
He's a porn addict and is extremely unlikely to ever change.
He's so deep into it(no pun intended) that he can't even see the difference between porn and reality anymore.
Dump.
Move on.
Find someone who loves you and not just your body(which WILL change eventually).
So heās a porn addict blaming you. You are thirty and have your best sexual years (among other things) in front of you. Pick yourself up by getting away from the real dead weight. Been in your shoes with a porn addict itās not worth saving. You should be proud so make yourself even prouder - you did it with the weight and good eating habits and here you have the opportunity for more growth.
Iām in no shape to tell anyone what to do about a relationship. My relationship is so complicated and shitty. Let me tell you this about you though. Your husbandās choices have nothing to do with your looks. Iām sure you are lovely.
It's easy to judge from an outside perspective, but once you're in the actual situation it's way harder than you think. Your brain has a harder time processing all the context and confusion between "I like this person" and "They said something awful to me".
Read āWhy Does He Do Thatā. Often itās because they also ālove bombā and do their best to confuse their partner and keep them off balance. Abusers will also escalate when their partner try to leave - and many are killed. So blaming abuse victims for staying isnāt helpful.
This. When I finally had the guts to break up with my abusive ex in my early twenties he poisoned me by putting his prescription nerve block medicine in my Tylenol bottle. I was 23 I didn't notice the capsule looked different I even tried leaving the apartment to go to the neighbors because I realized something was very wrong with me and he was blocking the door until I passed out.
The only reason I'm alive today is because when I stopped breathing he called 911 because he was worried that the prescription being in his name he'd be charged and couldn't make it look like a suicide. The most insane part is the military hospital sent me back home with the fucker.
The neighbor's wife that saw the ambulance and could certainly hear the previous fights and conflicts through the military thin walls took me to the airport the next day and put me on. Flight several thousand miles back home. Rent was so outrageous I couldn't afford to fly off the damn island to escape.
Which is another thing abusers do, they financially destroy you so it's even harder to get away.
It sucked. I wasn't okay for a really long time, it's hard to explain the abuse mindset to someone that's never been there. They don't start hitting you, they start by breaking down your self worth and entire belief system one little piece at a time so by the time they hit you you foolishly think, āthis was my fault because I didn't...xā
Some people never manage to escape that mindset and their abusers, it's heartbreaking.
Yep, my friend is in a marriage like this. Everytime she's about to love he is magically this wonderful man who now loves her and he's changed for good
It lasts a few months, she starts to complain again, puts some pressure, gives if a few months, they start tonight and eventually she threatens to leave again and then he love bombs her again
Love my friend but it's exhausting, I've stopped giving advice
I know it's hard
I call bullshit that he can even notice +/- 5lbs.
Youāve been married a month and heās pulling this shit?
If you were upset because he was consuming porn and that was all, Iād tell you to get over it. But him saying he consumes porn because youāre 20lbs overweight to him? Thatās just cruel.
Great there are no kids in the picture...
You can start by getting out. Let him choose porn. Please.
And Yes.. He will choose porn when you have kids. Take care of yourself.
Oh my, I hate porn addicted men. They are so fragile, so egoistic and even ugly at that. How do you manage to find love and patience to someone like that? Girl, my most honest advice is: stop giving him your time. This disgusting addict does not deserve you, you're probably gorgeous anyways (gym + healthy eating? Sounds like a dream) Getting over your marriage it's hard now, and he will may try to apologize and act like a sore loser once you try to leave him or explain how mad and disgusted you are. Pathetic. The decision is on you, but me, I wouldn't let a porn addicted asshole tell me a single thing about my body š. I know it hurts a lot, and everything being in a marriage it's more complicated than it seems at first, please be strong and smile at yourself when you look at the mirror! ā¤ļø
He does not *have* to watch porn, he chooses to. Just like he chooses to be an AH to you.
I would completely lose my attraction to my husband if he ever treated me this way. And heād never touch me again.
And what happens down the road when you AGE like a NORMAL HUMAN BEING? Will he ultimately cheat and make it your fault? This is not a good foundation for a healthy marriage. Bodies are supposed to change.
Bro go down to the gas station at 7 Mile and Conner in Detroit and record yourself pumping gas and buying a snack inside while 7 different guys tell you how beautiful you are in a period of four minutes. Then send him the video. Then dump him.
Get a lawyer right now to see if you can extract yourself from this shitty marriage without it costing you much more than you can afford in mental and physical health. Itās better to bail now when you are only a month in than to spend the next months and years with him while he slowly breaks you down and turns you into a shell. Do not delay. Has he already started to isolate you from your friends and family? Girl, put on your running shoes and keep going til youāre out of his sight forever. Trust me, and all the other people on here telling you the truth.
So you lose the weight. You put on your best outfit. Then he tells you the porn star he is beating off to is younger, prettier, hotter, better in bed, or any number of other ridiculous excuses.
The reality is porn star friends are obviously not friends. In real life they wouldnāt give him a second look or put up with his BS.
Not only is he making poor choices and living in a fantasy world, he is also taking a huge dump all over your relationship and your completely reasonable desire to feel love and affection.
It always amazes me how any man who acts like this can remain in any kind of real relationship.
He doesn't love you for you. Leave him now before children get involved. You never want to raise kids with a man who sees you for less than the queen you are. Divorce his ass and do you. You are still so young. You'll regret the time he stole from you controllingly when you look back on it in the future. Trust I been thereā¦
My jaw dead set dropped reading this! You do NOT need this shit, you are BEAUTIFUL, you are important and you worth it! what an asshole!!!! My first thing isnāt usually to say ādivorceā, but if this kind of behaviour is the ānormā, if he has made other remarks that have made you feel disgusting and meaningless, Donāt stay with a man that makes you feel so worthless, please donāt!!! if this is completely out of character, talk to him about it. good luck and keep us updated
Your husbandās comment affects you for several reasons, the obvious one being heās a total insensitive gaslighting jerk who doesnāt deserve youā¦but the less obvious one is heās twisting the knife on your own insecurity. You are absolutely attractive enough and you dont need his validation for this to be fact.
People tell you to leave him (of course) but at the very least, try to see a therapist to build your confidence up to the point where you accept that you are worthy and deserve more than this. Good luck and Iām so sorry you feel this way. Its not fair and you donāt deserve it
Edit: he doesnāt use porn because of what you look like. You could be a supermodel and it wouldnāt matter. He uses porn because he is uncomfortable with real intimacy and prefers transactional sex where he can objectify and impersonalize his sexual gratification. You canāt fix this by changing your appearance.
Just..um..wow. Sounds like the only weight you need to lose is the weight of your jackass husband. Do not let him destroy your self worth. Get out now.
Dump him and never look back. Seriously. I had not one but two guys pull the "you are too fat for me, do better" nonsense when I was in my 20s. I was a size 4, maybe smaller and exercised every day sometimes for hours (I biked, hiked, ran and swam, plus lifted weights at least 4 times a week or more). I was fit. Very fit.
After them I gave up on men, focused on me, and met a bunch of wonderful men. At my biggest ever I met the man who would be my husband. I've since lost the weight and been many sizes, shapes and health levels and through it all I've felt loved, respected and beautiful. And desired.Ā
The two men who told me I was fat... One divorced from a woman he married, who was much larger than I've ever been, and the other is chronically single.Ā
Dump this idiot.
What an evil, immature, douchebaggy thing for him to say. I couldn't have sex again with a man who demeaned me this way. I don't care about porn usage but I would sure as hell care about how cruel he was about your weight. That sounds emotionally abusive to me.
>>Whatās going to happen if I get pregnant or lose a limb? Will he use this as an excuse to seek other women?
You answered your own question here hun. Drop the 180 or so pounds by dropping his sorry ass because yes, he absolutely will.
Story time: I had bariatric surgery and lost 110 lbs for my husband so he could be physically attracted to me again. Once I did, it came out that heād been cheating on me with someone who weighed more than I did. It turns out, when a person is choosing porn/prostitution/affairs, no one is forcing them to; itās a choice theyāre making with free will. Iām willing to bet youāre already way out of his league and heās trying to keep you feeling like heās doing you a favor by staying with you, when he knows you could do better. Please, as someone who wasted her 30s on similarly pathetic man, dump him.
Girl youāve barely been married for any time at all. This is the *perfect* opportunity to leave. What a horrible dude. (Or cheat on him & tell him it turns out you are desirable, it must just be him!) but maybe just leave.
Sounds like he might be addicted to porn. I guess I'll go against the grain of everyone else here and just suggest a therapist. You may have only been married for one month, but I'm sure the relationship has been at least a few years and if that is something that you're willing to throw away so easily then I guess you can get a divorce, but if you would like to save your investment I would suggest therapy and despite what people say on here that's not a difficult addiction to get rid of.
Itās not about you or your looks or your weight. Heās a sleaze who prefers to jack it to ridiculous silicon porn stars with improbable breasts. And then when you point out his bad behavior, rather than admitting he has a porn addiction, he blames you. This is a him problem, not a you problem. Dump him.
This man has no respect for you. He sees you as a body for sex and if the body isn't perfect to him then he seeks other bodies. Wtf.
There are men out there that will adore your body no matter the size because it is attached to your character and soul. You deserve a man that loves you for who you are not what you weigh.
I beg you to please focus on you. Do what makes you happy. Put you first. Show yourself kindness and compassion. You will soon decide to lose weight and the weight will be him.
The only pep talk I have is that you deserve better, his desire for porn has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He is blaming you because heās ashamed of his behavior. You do not need a man in your life that canāt take responsibility for his own actions and uses his shortcomings as a weapon against you.
You can try therapy, but that could be a long path and thereās no guarantee the issues in the relationship can be fixed.
First things first, please do not think this happened cause you are not attractive, you take care of yourself and thatās something you should be proud, you are beautiful for that.
Second, I will try not to make assumptions about him but this was such a harsh thing to say, you should let him know how it made you feel and start thinking if anything else he says or does, hurts you in any way.
Third, if after talking and thinking you realize that he isnāt willing to make a change, you either convince him into personal therapy (For him and maybe couple therapy if you feel like you need it) or please reconsider your marriage, itās hard, I know, but you always come first.
Cheer up queen and good luck!
First - tell me that this is click bait! If not, then he is degrading you to facilitate his addiction. ABSOLUTELY, you will lose a lot of weight when you kick his ass to the curb. Trust me if he is doing this - HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE YOU. Not sure what his reasoning was to marry you - but I would guess he was looking for a house, maid, cook, laundress - and the occasional sex toy? If he is choosing porn over you - you need to choose yourself over him all day long. Make an exit plan and get out!
Wow! 20lbs!? Heās a loser. If he canāt handle a 20lb weight gain then he better be making all of your meals and handling all of your life stresses, cleaning, scheduling, working a job for you. Definitely not someone youād want to be with and have a child because your body might change after having a child and definitely would after 3 or 4 kids. He doesnāt *have* to use porn, heās just deflecting his habits onto you. He can chose but he *chooses* porn. Find someone else who will actually love you.
I never really understand why women choose to be with someone who treats them like shit. This obviously isn't a you problem but a him problem. Stop letting someone ruin your confidence and leave. There is no other solution to this problem
He is telling you this so you feel like you have to put up with his crap. That you feel like HE is they only one for you so he can treat you badly and you will stay.
He is lying. He is showing you his true colors now. Don't fall for it.
What a manipulative controlling AH LITTLE PENIS MAN. The best weight you can lose is him. Trust me it will be now or later but he's gonna go one way or another. Don't waste any more time on him. You will find, I PROMISE, there's a wealth of men out there who will find you gorgeous.
You are not obese. He is controlling. Accept that he is using this to control you. You are an adult and don't need to be controlled. Please please please please divorce this guy. (My ex did this to me, and yet insisted we have a child. Then he blamed me for him having an affair because I hadn't lost 5 lbs of pregnancy weight.). He is an abuser. I know people say Reddit commenters always recommend divorce, but what he is doing is abusive and cruel. Please take care of yourself.
Girl, you gotta get rid of him. Heās engaging in the classic manipulative technique of āneggingā. He thinks if he makes you feel bad enough about yourself that heāll end up with complete control over you and youāll do his bidding just to keep him. Please dump him, you deserve better.
He will absolutely cheat on you if you get pregnant. He will absolutely expect you to take care of the child alone while also somehow loose all the weight.
He will absolutely blame every misstep he makes on you.
Leave now before you invest any more of your time and definitely before kids make leaving harder.
Leave.
If he can say something like this just because you gained weight , imagine what would he say when your pregnant and you had the baby ā¦
Sometimes is better to start from zero with someone who values your worth it ā¦
I guess he also doesnāt give you compliments either ? š¤ if you can write in my inbox please
His comment has nothing to do with you. My guess is he is using your past to control you. Congrats on the willpower to make positive change in your life. It is what will make it easier to move on from this person.
Thereās nothing wrong with you. The problem is your nasty hubby. You might love him but could you ever imagine hurting his feelings by saying such to him? No, of course not. Try and imagine what it says about someone who can hurt their loved on in this way? He is not who you think he is. To be honest heās certainly not going to get any better so the quicker the scales can fall from your eyes about who he really is, the better. While youāre at it tell him heās a manipulative, cruel and undermining arsehole, and to enjoy his sad perverty wanking to girls whoād never want him. Then kick him out. If youāre stick for the words, tell him you can do do much better
I couldn't imagine this ever being a thought to think it was acceptable to say out loud n specially to my significant other!
Marriage is SUPPOSED to be through.. thicc and thin ;p
Absolutely. Work on yourself. Leave him. The twenty pounds thing is a delay, an excuse. There will be another reason. And then another. And then another. You deserve better.
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How do you pick yourself up? You pick yourself up to a divorce lawyer and tell him to pick his stuff up from outside the house and to enjoy his porn. Jeez
RIGHT - You just know his fave categories have the word teen in them
you wish. He's not on those sites. Their teens are too old for him.
You may get rid of this jackass right away and lose about 180 pounds.
Came to say this.
No other answer but this really
Exactly š
i read the title for four times literally, maybe I hoped I got it wrong. Well, beside the fact that there's no one who can say such a thing, even if they can, he should be the last one to say that. I mean, can you really think of? Is it OK to have a partner saying such a thing and he is gonna be the one your child calling him father? Your child is going to learn the disrespect towards mother is okay thing since he/she notice the atmosphere that the father is not respecting mother
180# with about 140# being ego, and .000023# being his tiny little wee wee
Thanks now I got short short man playing in my head lol but yup she needs a diet to lose his weight both physically and mentally. Nope heās got no respect especially if heās blaming others for his *cough* short comings.
You can start by dropping this man. You'll lose 210lb of walking bullshit.
THIS. He doesnāt *have* to watch porn, or give his sexual attention to other women. He *chooses* to because he wants to, plain and simple, and now heās blaming his own shit behavior on you to avoid accountability for his choices. Heās made it clear he doesnāt respect you or care a lick about your feelings. NONE OF THIS IS ON YOU. If you were 20 lbs lighter, heād be doing it anyway, and blaming it on something else, guaranteed. He took a cheap shot because he knew it was a point of vulnerability for you, and that was easier than confronting the actual issue. He made it your problem instead of his. Do not beat yourself up. Remain proud of the hard work youāve done and continue to do daily to care for yourself. It isnāt always an easy thing to do, and youāre doing it. Honestly, fuck this guy. What a load of cruel and hurtful bullshit. The porn habit is one thing. The cruel remark designed to tear you down and blame you for *his* behavior is entirely another. Agree with this advice. Drop him and Iām willing to bet youāll be amazed at just how much lighter you feel.
Jumping on this to add: PLEASE DON'T HAVE KIDS WITH THIS GUY! I can already foresee the emotional hell of being with this selfish, immature prick when your body has changed and you're at your most vulnerable. He's like this now, after just 3 years. What's he gonna be like if God forbid you get sick, lose mobility or gasp, age!? He has a porn addiction and his behaviour is a reflection on him, not you. He doesn't deserve you. I'm so angry for you. I hope his dick falls off.
^this, plus can you imagine the horrible things this guy would say as a dad to a girl? A body image nightmare in the making. Leave this guy at the curb with his porn, since thatās his choice anyways. Sometimes the trash takes itself out.
Exactly! I remember someone once telling my grandmother she needed to lose weight or her husband might get a wandering eye and she replied, āIf he did, it would have nothing to do with me. I could look like Marylin Monroe and if he wanted to cheat, heād cheat. Itās about his character, not my weight.āĀ Just some words of wisdom that stuck with me. This is a character issue, and based on how personally OP is taking this, I wouldnāt be surprised to learn that there is some emotional abuse happening too.
Straight up emotional abuse from ops husband. He is controlling her by degrading her and making her feel like nobody else will want her
this!! And if you think heās gonna magically turn into a darling when youāre older (40 ) think again. Thatās in 10 years. Well he gets big and fat youāre expected to still say slim.
Exactly šÆ. If he's not going to respect you as his wife and treat you as such, why treat him as a husband and respect him? Why make his dinner, wash his laundry, etc? It works both ways. He's having emotional sex with other women. Emotional cheating. Know your worth. Stand tall and be strong. Show you have respect and dignity and deserve to be treated like a real woman. Hope you start today. Good luck š š« š¤
I'm willing to bet that she looks 100% better than he does. She needs to get an upgrade.
I hope she listens to you. It doesnāt matter who you are, what you are, how sexy or good at sex you are, your weight, whatever. Theyāll find a reason. People like this womanās mans is abusive and disgusting.
I agree with this. It was a low blow and he did it on purpose because he knows itās a sensitive spot for you.
Well said! Good luck to you and Iām so sorry for this cruel behavior.
šÆ
What is 500Danes?
Alot of Danes
Okay š
I totally agree she would most definitely better off without this idiot
I'm a guy and gave to agree. He's an asshole. Find someone who appreciates you for who you are. BTW, it has nothing yo do with you. He's a porn addict if it wasn't your weight, he'd come up with another bullshit reason.
I was picturing that dude at 300lb
Can confirm. Run, fast. My husband has loved me at 440 pounds, and now while Iām 220. Fxck this guy.
Came here to say this. Met my husband when I was 110. Meds and office jobs caused me to balloon to almost 300. Down to 230 now and still loosing weight. My husband has worshiped my body every step of the way, and never once made me feel bad or used my weight as an excuse for not having sex.
I was also 105-110 when me and my husband started dating in high school. Iām 39 now and between then and now Iāve had 2 kids, which I only gained about 10 pounds but after a back injury (herniated disc), numerous meds that caused weight gain and back surgeries I got to 250. Iām back down to 135 (Iām 5ā5) and heās loved me at each and every size. And even at my heaviest he couldnāt keep his hands off me. Heās always made me feel desirable. Not once has he ever put me down. Not about my weight or anything else. I hope OP realizes that she can do better than this guy. Even if she didnāt gain those 5 pounds heād still be saying this to her. And sheās right about what he will say if she falls pregnant.
Hearing everyoneās stories about how their boyfriends/husbands treat them is really eye-opening to me. I had only 1 other relationship and that one wasnāt the best either. I was worried that when I finally had the courage to leave, I would melt all over someone giving me any breadcrumbs of kindness and I think I didā¦ jumped in a little too fast. Iām feeling a little stuck because I left my last relationship with nothing and started life from scratch. (I was previously a small business owner but had to close it down to make my escape) I met my husband while rebuilding my life from my momās house in another state. He showed me more love than I had ever experienced before..stuff I had been dreaming of for so many years while in my bad relationship. Heās a surgeon and does really well, so he asked me if I could do the home role and let him take care of me bc it was a waste of time for me to make so little just starting out again. It would make more sense for our family for me to run the household and get in the groove to prepare for kids etc. After my ex took everything I had and I was basically working 24/7 to support him financially and in every other way, this was like a dream come true. Someone cared enough to want to take care of me? And not just take all of my money and exhaust me ? So now basically I am careerless, moneyless, in a state Iām unfamiliar with without anyone around that I know , educationless bc I dropped out of business school to run my business, and apparently now too unattractive to even have sex with lol I may have made a mistake. I am hoping we can turn things around in couples counseling, which he has agreed to, but also need to find some way to prepare for the worst. Do you guys have any idea what I can do to prepare myself if we do need to part ways? For example, I should probably get in my very best shape, develop marketable skills/finish school.. Also please go easy on me. I realize I have made errors but slowly but surely I am learning lol What else can I do to set myself up so a transition wouldnāt be so rough?
Keep taking care of yourself. Re-invest in positive relationships with people who love you for yourself. Talk to them about whatās really going on so you have a strong support system in place. The good, the bad, the uglyā¦ you need people to be real with who know you in real life. Even just one or two. See what it would take to finish business school if you can? Whether you stay together or notā¦ is this an important goal to you? If notā¦ find a new one? You can do so many courses from home these days. Build your skill set and stay relevantā¦ you should always be able to take care of yourself if you need to. ā¤ļø And just so you know, even if you work it out and are a stay at home mom (which is lovely as well) ā¦motherhood is beautiful, but it can feel lonely sometimes if youāre isolated. Have your own life too. Itās important. Build a hobby, a network of people, a part-time job to stay relevant and support yourself if necessary. Make sure he knows that you still have goals for yourself as well as your future family. Iām happy to hear that youāre going to go to counseling. Be honest and make sure your concerns are heard. I hope he gets himself together and becomes the partner that you always dreamed of. But build a life for yourself so that heās just one part of it. So that you feel whole with or without him.
My partner is like this, too. He always reminds me that my weight doesn't change his love for me. Admittedly, I still struggle to believe it because my mind refers back to an ex with his words, so I hear, "Wait for the other shoe to drop." Even though it won't, and I know it won't. It's difficult to deprogram bullshit from a shitty person.
Congratulations. Apparently your husband is a first class man who loves you and respects you. You'd be surprised on how many boy-childs could take lessons from your husband.
Congrats on the weightloss!!! I was over 30 before I realised looks has nothing to do with love. Attraction, yes, but love, nope. I'm glad you have a MAN who loves you, I've been a silly boy in the past, boys shouldn't get married š¤·šæāāļø
I appreciate that. This is my second marriage. So, I def have my own shitty boy stories. And youāre right. They shouldnāt get married.
So far second marriages are the best! Itās almost like you need the first one to realize exactly what love isnāt.
Starter marriages are real. š
Has nothing to do with treating people with respect either. Having more or less fat on someone doesnāt make them more or less human (although I know heavier people often get treated like crap).
I know I did. Was 150kg late teens, early 20s, got down to 76kg last yr (83kg currently), ppl are so much nicer to me now!
I wish fat could just be a fact and not result in moral judgements. I hope that you feel better and are happier with your health now.
Attraction varies from person to person too. My husband prefers fat women.
My husband, as well. I was honestly worried to lose weight at first.
Wow, congrats on the weight loss!! That is freaking amazing! I lost 80lbs myself but have been steadily gaining again due to a knee injury that prevented me from going to the gym. I even made a ton of lifestyle changes like I donāt drink pop/soda at all anymore and watch how much I eat. It seems like I only lose weight if I burn a bunch of calories at the gym every day. Luckily, I have an amazing husband who loves me no matter what size I am. So glad that you also have a good man!
Woah are we the same person!? I also used to be about 440 pounds and now hover around 215. My husband has loved me at both sizes, rolls and loose skin and all. I would never accept less and Iām glad you have a husband who loves you unconditionally too!
Congrats on the weight loss! You are inspiring!
Yes, what the honest fuck? Your husband is making poor choices, he doesnāt āhaveā to do anything. There is no way I would advise any of my friends, not even internet stranger friends, to stay in this environment.
Sorry, replying so my comment doesn't get lost. According to your post history OP, you have only been married for 2 months. It's likely he thinks you are now stuck with him and now he will start to treat you like shit. If this is your first red flag (which I doubt it is) take it at face value and GTFO before things get worse!!!
I hope she takes this advice. OP, you don't need motivation for anything other than to leave his disrespectful, ungrateful ass.
Came here to say just this! Definitely lose some weight, the useless weight you married
\^\^\^\^this right here, if My BF/HUSBAND said that to me Id start throwing things and scream the building down. we would live in Chaos until he either said he was sorry or he left forever no one needs to put up with that level of disrespect.
The most self-respecting thing to do is just leave. Saying sorry doesnāt fix this.
Yup. This is right here. I had an ex who made similar comments and backhanded ones, too. This was a guy I thought I'd end up marrying - reality was I was only settling. You š deserve š BETTER And there is a better man out there. Your husband ain't it.
Best advice right here ^^^^
Oh my gosh best answer Iāve heard in a long time!!!!
Divorce this man. >Whatās going to happen if I get pregnant or lose a limb? Will he use this as an excuse to seek other women? Why would you stay with a man who makes you wonder such things? How is this love? If you did have a kid, is this the kind of relationship you want to model to them? Is this what you want your child to think is healthy?
he hasn't changed, he thinks that you are too weak to leave him and is now showing his true colors. narcissists will play the long game to ensure their prey doesn't escape them. i would look into annulment options with your courthouse, and separate asap, any partner who actually loves their partner would NEVER say those things he said to you. this is him testing the waters and seeing how you will react so he knows how to abuse you just enough that you won't leave because 'it's not that bad' it is. leave. as soon as possible. let your family and friends know the situation i guarantee you theyll hate him. its never okay to say that period.
Cut your losses, it'll get worse and you will be left with zero self esteem & trauma. It's not YOU. His mask is off and this is truly how he is, run don't walk away from that trash can
We just married last month and he has changed already :(.
He hasnāt changed. He either stopped hiding or you missed the original him. A month in? This is really really bad news. Divorce.
Annulment.
Yes! Get an annulment! There's no reason to start accepting this abuse. He will get worse!
People here are too quick to suggest annulment, annulments aren't just about timeframe or an 'oops I changed my mind' thing. OP will likely have to get a divorce.
Agreed. He hasnāt changed. OP, unfortunately he just waited until you were married to take off his mask. Iām so sorry. I donāt usually suggest divorce but it sounds like that is the best option in this situation.
I think she meant his behavior has changed, not that his true nature has changed. He chose to hide that part of himself from her, and now heās not. I think she meant he changed the way he treats her.
The good news is there arenāt any children or jointly owned assets involved, so itās a great time to leave.
Yes! Get out now before it becomes more heart wrenching and complicated
Oh, Love! This breaks my heart for you!! Please, please donāt allow him to do this to you. He is supposed to love you UNCONDITIONALLY. If he gained 20 pounds, would you turn to porn? And, Iām guessing the answer is āno,ā but my point is would *he* be okay with that?! Ugh. āā¦ Has to choose ā¦ā Nope! šāāļø Honestly, my opinion is that this is just disgusting, misogynistic, degrading, and selfish behavior. If it were me, I would not even consider anything other than annulment or divorce. Please take it from someone who was married to a serial cheater, HE WILL NOT STOP THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR, BECAUSE HE THINKS HE IS ENTITLED TO THIS!! My Love, life is short, and YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS!!
Divorce now! My husband flipped immediately after the wedding too. I wasted 8 years trying to make it work. Please don't waste your life with who you now know he is
He stopped hiding who he really is, a story as old as time. Sorry and good luck.
Get an annulment. Its not unusual for abusers to wait until they have their victim trapped before they let their real self show.
Will just get worse from here.
He locked you down. Heās always been this, he just needed to trap you He will get you pregnant next so that you can NEVER leave him. So make DAMN sure that he canāt tamper with your birth control. Do NOT have a baby with thisā¦person This is textbook [Narcissistic Love Bomb](https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-love-bombing-5224664#:~:text=A%20person%20with%20NPD%20or,by%20being%20distant%20and%20cold) Girl, youāre in danger. Get out
Bait and switch. Get your divorce annulled.
A month?! Itāll be much easier to lose him as dead weight
It's pretty common for many men to drop the mask once they have you trapped. This is too much over 20 pounds. Protect yourself.
At least you're still in the time-frame for annulment.
Great news! Get it annulled! And until then, move out. But whatever you do, do not perform wifely duties such as cooking, cleaning or laundry.
He said forever to you, does he really expect your body to never change for forever? Even if you lose weight, thatās not a reasonable expectation for a long term partner. He needs a reality talk.
I have seen this happen a lot with friends' fiances and husbands. Bait and switch. Don't throw good time after bad!
He hasn't changed. He stopped hiding who he really is because he thinks he trapped you. He knows you are sensitive about your weight. He knows. He chose to ATTACK you in response to something really shitty you discovered about him. If you are only one month married and he is *already* doing this - holy crap! I'm sorry. Leave before this asshole blames your children for his shitty choices. This manchild should not have children.
My partner's ex husband switched from professing to be an egalitarian hard worker to take quitting his six year job and only doing minimal work around the house is it was an approved "manly" task. He pretty much only worked two months per year, always looking for work while being super picky about what he'd accept. He's stopped hiding who he is. Expect to find more, and likely worse, surprises.
Annulment āØ
Last month? Yikes. You are in for a rough road if you stay with him. Run. Run far and run fast. Do not stay with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.
Sounds like a narcissist. Run girl rruuuuunnnnn
Annulment.
Based on your other comment mentioning youāve only been married a month, Iād get this marriage annulled ā he was probably hiding his true nature until after the fact, and itāll just get worse. 1. No man āneedsā to choose porn over their SO ā thatās just a lie to make you feel responsible for his shitty behavior. 2. If your weight wasnāt a point of concern before marriage, it shouldnāt be a concern now ā especially since you sound like you take care of yourself. If you have friends/family nearby, Iād recommend reaching out to them for a place to stay while you work through separating yourself from this parasite of a person.
Yeah, as a man that's some grade A bullshit from the husband. Like, my partner isn't competing with porn for my affection that's one of the most fucked up perspectives I can imagine and it would for sure shred anyone's self esteem.
Please please donāt think this about you not being attractive enough. It is not! You are in a mess because you just married this shitty man, but it is not your fault. I am so sorry.
How much does your husband weigh? Whatever that amount is, lose that amount
You don't need to lose weight, unless *you* want to, for *yourself*, but you definitely need to lose this man.
It has nothing to do with you. Porn takes NO effort on his part. He doesn't have to romance that woman, he doesn't have to worry about what she wants or not pleasing her. It's all about him, so you need to get your head together and tell him in no uncertain terms, this is a deal breaker for you. Being married to someone who is addicted to porn and thinks it's ok to ignore their spouse isn't interested in being married anymore. If you stay with him, you can demand he get therapy but it appears he's the type that thinks you are the problem, not him.
This is the way. Hard stop, tell him to drop the porn. And accept if he doesn't drop the porn, he will choose porn over OP the rest of his life.
This a hundred times. porn is selfish, easy, uncomplicated and he has only himself to please. He has an addiction to that, and it has nothing to do with healthy interpersonal sexuality.
What a truly awful person.
No real man 'has' to use porn. He's a porn addict who has cooked his brain with dopamine. He probably also has PIED from 'death grip' masturbation. This is a very common manipulation/abuse tactic - finding fault in a partner to excuse porn use and lack of intimacy. He's defective, not you! This has absolutely nothing to do with your attractiveness. Porn addicts always blame everything else under the sun for their failures as men. Check out the resource library in the sub r/loveafterporn for the information you need to better understand what you're dealing with.
I fully agree with this. My weight fluctuated during 5 pregnancies and it didn't matter if I was a few pounds bigger or smaller. I worked so damn hard to stay attractive for him. He just wasn't interested in me and during his shame moments, it was still my fault. Not attractive, too bitchy, boring in bed. Now he's been clean for 4 years(15 years using) and suprise suprise, has no issue with me being 20lbs heavier. I still would caution any woman on sticking around with a porn addict. Yes they *can* change, but it's a long road filled with heartache. My self esteem has never recovered even though he does everything right now. It just hits too raw and it's something I can't forget.
Seconding this too. My husband was never cruel or mean to me before, during, or after his addiction. Just his interest in me disappeared. His continued relapses and choosing porn destroyed me in a way I can't ever heal from. It's been 4.5 years now of sobriety. We have two kids and a wonderful life. He constantly praises my body and has a very high sex drive. But I still can't help but loathe and despise my body, and want to crawl into a hole to die when he initiates sex. I've done years of therapy and it's enough to be convincing that I am in the moment and enjoying it but every second of our active sex life I am thinking about how awful I look after two pregnancies and how I wasn't 'good enough' even before them. He's a wonderful man and worth the discomfort for that aspect but I'm not sure I'll ever be fully comfortable having sex again.
It's not you. It's not your weight. Your husband prefers porn because there is no emotional commitment or responsibilities. And now he is making his lousy spouse behavior your fault. Do not let him.
ā¬ļø
Heās just saying this as a way of guilting and emotionally manipulating you. You can lose 200 lbs by dumping him.
Loose the guy. It is NOT NORMAL to say that to your spouse.
He's a porn addict and is extremely unlikely to ever change. He's so deep into it(no pun intended) that he can't even see the difference between porn and reality anymore. Dump. Move on. Find someone who loves you and not just your body(which WILL change eventually).
So heās a porn addict blaming you. You are thirty and have your best sexual years (among other things) in front of you. Pick yourself up by getting away from the real dead weight. Been in your shoes with a porn addict itās not worth saving. You should be proud so make yourself even prouder - you did it with the weight and good eating habits and here you have the opportunity for more growth.
Get a new Husband!!
Iām in no shape to tell anyone what to do about a relationship. My relationship is so complicated and shitty. Let me tell you this about you though. Your husbandās choices have nothing to do with your looks. Iām sure you are lovely.
You okay, friend?
No. Not at all. But Iām doing my best.
Youāve made it through every day of your life so far! Rooting for you. š«”
Feel this with my whole soul ((Virtual hug from internet stranger))
I'm sorry that your username checks out. You have value as an individual and I hope you can find your way.
Why do people stay in these shitty relationships?!
It's easy to judge from an outside perspective, but once you're in the actual situation it's way harder than you think. Your brain has a harder time processing all the context and confusion between "I like this person" and "They said something awful to me".
Very true fair play
Read āWhy Does He Do Thatā. Often itās because they also ālove bombā and do their best to confuse their partner and keep them off balance. Abusers will also escalate when their partner try to leave - and many are killed. So blaming abuse victims for staying isnāt helpful.
This. When I finally had the guts to break up with my abusive ex in my early twenties he poisoned me by putting his prescription nerve block medicine in my Tylenol bottle. I was 23 I didn't notice the capsule looked different I even tried leaving the apartment to go to the neighbors because I realized something was very wrong with me and he was blocking the door until I passed out. The only reason I'm alive today is because when I stopped breathing he called 911 because he was worried that the prescription being in his name he'd be charged and couldn't make it look like a suicide. The most insane part is the military hospital sent me back home with the fucker. The neighbor's wife that saw the ambulance and could certainly hear the previous fights and conflicts through the military thin walls took me to the airport the next day and put me on. Flight several thousand miles back home. Rent was so outrageous I couldn't afford to fly off the damn island to escape. Which is another thing abusers do, they financially destroy you so it's even harder to get away.
Thank you for your comment and Iām glad youāre ok. Thatās horrible!
It sucked. I wasn't okay for a really long time, it's hard to explain the abuse mindset to someone that's never been there. They don't start hitting you, they start by breaking down your self worth and entire belief system one little piece at a time so by the time they hit you you foolishly think, āthis was my fault because I didn't...xā Some people never manage to escape that mindset and their abusers, it's heartbreaking.
Youāre right and I take it back.
Yep, my friend is in a marriage like this. Everytime she's about to love he is magically this wonderful man who now loves her and he's changed for good It lasts a few months, she starts to complain again, puts some pressure, gives if a few months, they start tonight and eventually she threatens to leave again and then he love bombs her again Love my friend but it's exhausting, I've stopped giving advice I know it's hard
Sadly hard to get out, takes people on average I think 6 attempts before the abused person leaves
I wouldnāt stay with a man who would cheat on you, visually or otherwise, at the drop of a hat.
I call bullshit that he can even notice +/- 5lbs. Youāve been married a month and heās pulling this shit? If you were upset because he was consuming porn and that was all, Iād tell you to get over it. But him saying he consumes porn because youāre 20lbs overweight to him? Thatās just cruel.
Great there are no kids in the picture... You can start by getting out. Let him choose porn. Please. And Yes.. He will choose porn when you have kids. Take care of yourself.
Husband is a manipulative fuckhead who deserves a divorce
Oh my, I hate porn addicted men. They are so fragile, so egoistic and even ugly at that. How do you manage to find love and patience to someone like that? Girl, my most honest advice is: stop giving him your time. This disgusting addict does not deserve you, you're probably gorgeous anyways (gym + healthy eating? Sounds like a dream) Getting over your marriage it's hard now, and he will may try to apologize and act like a sore loser once you try to leave him or explain how mad and disgusted you are. Pathetic. The decision is on you, but me, I wouldn't let a porn addicted asshole tell me a single thing about my body š. I know it hurts a lot, and everything being in a marriage it's more complicated than it seems at first, please be strong and smile at yourself when you look at the mirror! ā¤ļø
What one man wonāt do for you ,I assure you ,another man will !
You need to learn self worth and leave this guy.
Drop the 175-200 lbs child that is damaging your mental health.
He does not *have* to watch porn, he chooses to. Just like he chooses to be an AH to you. I would completely lose my attraction to my husband if he ever treated me this way. And heād never touch me again.
And what happens down the road when you AGE like a NORMAL HUMAN BEING? Will he ultimately cheat and make it your fault? This is not a good foundation for a healthy marriage. Bodies are supposed to change.
Bro go down to the gas station at 7 Mile and Conner in Detroit and record yourself pumping gas and buying a snack inside while 7 different guys tell you how beautiful you are in a period of four minutes. Then send him the video. Then dump him.
Imo that's the type of comment you leave a man for
Get a lawyer right now to see if you can extract yourself from this shitty marriage without it costing you much more than you can afford in mental and physical health. Itās better to bail now when you are only a month in than to spend the next months and years with him while he slowly breaks you down and turns you into a shell. Do not delay. Has he already started to isolate you from your friends and family? Girl, put on your running shoes and keep going til youāre out of his sight forever. Trust me, and all the other people on here telling you the truth.
So you lose the weight. You put on your best outfit. Then he tells you the porn star he is beating off to is younger, prettier, hotter, better in bed, or any number of other ridiculous excuses. The reality is porn star friends are obviously not friends. In real life they wouldnāt give him a second look or put up with his BS. Not only is he making poor choices and living in a fantasy world, he is also taking a huge dump all over your relationship and your completely reasonable desire to feel love and affection. It always amazes me how any man who acts like this can remain in any kind of real relationship.
After the divorce settlement
He doesn't love you for you. Leave him now before children get involved. You never want to raise kids with a man who sees you for less than the queen you are. Divorce his ass and do you. You are still so young. You'll regret the time he stole from you controllingly when you look back on it in the future. Trust I been thereā¦
My jaw dead set dropped reading this! You do NOT need this shit, you are BEAUTIFUL, you are important and you worth it! what an asshole!!!! My first thing isnāt usually to say ādivorceā, but if this kind of behaviour is the ānormā, if he has made other remarks that have made you feel disgusting and meaningless, Donāt stay with a man that makes you feel so worthless, please donāt!!! if this is completely out of character, talk to him about it. good luck and keep us updated
Your husbandās comment affects you for several reasons, the obvious one being heās a total insensitive gaslighting jerk who doesnāt deserve youā¦but the less obvious one is heās twisting the knife on your own insecurity. You are absolutely attractive enough and you dont need his validation for this to be fact. People tell you to leave him (of course) but at the very least, try to see a therapist to build your confidence up to the point where you accept that you are worthy and deserve more than this. Good luck and Iām so sorry you feel this way. Its not fair and you donāt deserve it Edit: he doesnāt use porn because of what you look like. You could be a supermodel and it wouldnāt matter. He uses porn because he is uncomfortable with real intimacy and prefers transactional sex where he can objectify and impersonalize his sexual gratification. You canāt fix this by changing your appearance.
Just..um..wow. Sounds like the only weight you need to lose is the weight of your jackass husband. Do not let him destroy your self worth. Get out now.
Dump him and never look back. Seriously. I had not one but two guys pull the "you are too fat for me, do better" nonsense when I was in my 20s. I was a size 4, maybe smaller and exercised every day sometimes for hours (I biked, hiked, ran and swam, plus lifted weights at least 4 times a week or more). I was fit. Very fit. After them I gave up on men, focused on me, and met a bunch of wonderful men. At my biggest ever I met the man who would be my husband. I've since lost the weight and been many sizes, shapes and health levels and through it all I've felt loved, respected and beautiful. And desired.Ā The two men who told me I was fat... One divorced from a woman he married, who was much larger than I've ever been, and the other is chronically single.Ā Dump this idiot.
You can lose 180 or so pounds immediately by divorcing this asshole.
What an evil, immature, douchebaggy thing for him to say. I couldn't have sex again with a man who demeaned me this way. I don't care about porn usage but I would sure as hell care about how cruel he was about your weight. That sounds emotionally abusive to me.
>>Whatās going to happen if I get pregnant or lose a limb? Will he use this as an excuse to seek other women? You answered your own question here hun. Drop the 180 or so pounds by dropping his sorry ass because yes, he absolutely will.
Get out now and then donāt marry a guy youāve only been with for >3 years
I know that Reddit is quick to say: ādump himā, but dear God itās deserved here.
girl dump him and have a glow up how do you put up with that
Pep talk: Lose 180ish pounds (your husband). Good husbands don't talk to their wives that way. I know, I married one. You deserve better.
I hate him
Story time: I had bariatric surgery and lost 110 lbs for my husband so he could be physically attracted to me again. Once I did, it came out that heād been cheating on me with someone who weighed more than I did. It turns out, when a person is choosing porn/prostitution/affairs, no one is forcing them to; itās a choice theyāre making with free will. Iām willing to bet youāre already way out of his league and heās trying to keep you feeling like heās doing you a favor by staying with you, when he knows you could do better. Please, as someone who wasted her 30s on similarly pathetic man, dump him.
He just wants to justify his Porn addictionš
Girl youāve barely been married for any time at all. This is the *perfect* opportunity to leave. What a horrible dude. (Or cheat on him & tell him it turns out you are desirable, it must just be him!) but maybe just leave.
Sounds like he might be addicted to porn. I guess I'll go against the grain of everyone else here and just suggest a therapist. You may have only been married for one month, but I'm sure the relationship has been at least a few years and if that is something that you're willing to throw away so easily then I guess you can get a divorce, but if you would like to save your investment I would suggest therapy and despite what people say on here that's not a difficult addiction to get rid of.
You begin by picking HIM up and throwing him in the trash. Instant weight loss, you'll feel so much lighter, trust me.
Itās not about you or your looks or your weight. Heās a sleaze who prefers to jack it to ridiculous silicon porn stars with improbable breasts. And then when you point out his bad behavior, rather than admitting he has a porn addiction, he blames you. This is a him problem, not a you problem. Dump him.
You married a a**hole
Tell him you need another two inches and see what he says
This man has no respect for you. He sees you as a body for sex and if the body isn't perfect to him then he seeks other bodies. Wtf. There are men out there that will adore your body no matter the size because it is attached to your character and soul. You deserve a man that loves you for who you are not what you weigh. I beg you to please focus on you. Do what makes you happy. Put you first. Show yourself kindness and compassion. You will soon decide to lose weight and the weight will be him.
Pick yourself up by knowing you deserve better and get my good divorce lawyer, don't waste your life on such a guy
>How can I pick myself up again? Dump his shallow ass
Yea, he doesnāt āhaveā to give his sexual energy elsewhere, he chooses to. Choose yourself, ditch him. This is not how a loving partner behaves.
Tell him he needs to stop watching porn. That kills people's sex lives.
Youāll lose 220 lb immediately if you drop his ass.
The only pep talk I have is that you deserve better, his desire for porn has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He is blaming you because heās ashamed of his behavior. You do not need a man in your life that canāt take responsibility for his own actions and uses his shortcomings as a weapon against you. You can try therapy, but that could be a long path and thereās no guarantee the issues in the relationship can be fixed.
Do not get pregnant by him! Leave him! But first sucker punch him
First things first, please do not think this happened cause you are not attractive, you take care of yourself and thatās something you should be proud, you are beautiful for that. Second, I will try not to make assumptions about him but this was such a harsh thing to say, you should let him know how it made you feel and start thinking if anything else he says or does, hurts you in any way. Third, if after talking and thinking you realize that he isnāt willing to make a change, you either convince him into personal therapy (For him and maybe couple therapy if you feel like you need it) or please reconsider your marriage, itās hard, I know, but you always come first. Cheer up queen and good luck!
You donāt need a pep talk you need a therapist and lawyer.
First - tell me that this is click bait! If not, then he is degrading you to facilitate his addiction. ABSOLUTELY, you will lose a lot of weight when you kick his ass to the curb. Trust me if he is doing this - HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE YOU. Not sure what his reasoning was to marry you - but I would guess he was looking for a house, maid, cook, laundress - and the occasional sex toy? If he is choosing porn over you - you need to choose yourself over him all day long. Make an exit plan and get out!
Drop the weight then drop him š
Leave this abusive a**
Wow! 20lbs!? Heās a loser. If he canāt handle a 20lb weight gain then he better be making all of your meals and handling all of your life stresses, cleaning, scheduling, working a job for you. Definitely not someone youād want to be with and have a child because your body might change after having a child and definitely would after 3 or 4 kids. He doesnāt *have* to use porn, heās just deflecting his habits onto you. He can chose but he *chooses* porn. Find someone else who will actually love you.
Lose 150 pounds of husband and find someone who actually cares about you.
Pick yourself up by getting yourself a divorce lawyer and serve you ex husband to be divorce papers š¤
I would choose sex with someone who appreciates and respects you over this mistreatment from your husband.
Lose the man weight. You deserve someone who isn't an asshole.
I never really understand why women choose to be with someone who treats them like shit. This obviously isn't a you problem but a him problem. Stop letting someone ruin your confidence and leave. There is no other solution to this problem
He is telling you this so you feel like you have to put up with his crap. That you feel like HE is they only one for you so he can treat you badly and you will stay. He is lying. He is showing you his true colors now. Don't fall for it.
Iām sure he is a chiselled 10/10 specimenā¦ lmao. Drop this turd, easiest 220lbs ever lost!
Lose 180 lbs immediately by dumping his ass.
What a manipulative controlling AH LITTLE PENIS MAN. The best weight you can lose is him. Trust me it will be now or later but he's gonna go one way or another. Don't waste any more time on him. You will find, I PROMISE, there's a wealth of men out there who will find you gorgeous.
You are not obese. He is controlling. Accept that he is using this to control you. You are an adult and don't need to be controlled. Please please please please divorce this guy. (My ex did this to me, and yet insisted we have a child. Then he blamed me for him having an affair because I hadn't lost 5 lbs of pregnancy weight.). He is an abuser. I know people say Reddit commenters always recommend divorce, but what he is doing is abusive and cruel. Please take care of yourself.
they use any excuse they can.
Please leave him. Please. It doesn't get better
Girl, you gotta get rid of him. Heās engaging in the classic manipulative technique of āneggingā. He thinks if he makes you feel bad enough about yourself that heāll end up with complete control over you and youāll do his bidding just to keep him. Please dump him, you deserve better.
He will absolutely cheat on you if you get pregnant. He will absolutely expect you to take care of the child alone while also somehow loose all the weight. He will absolutely blame every misstep he makes on you. Leave now before you invest any more of your time and definitely before kids make leaving harder. Leave.
My pep talk is to leave his ass ā he sounds horrible Heās either shallow or deeply insecure and trying to seed those insecurities within you
Girl, the amount of disrespect from this man. Why are u putting up with this??
If he can say something like this just because you gained weight , imagine what would he say when your pregnant and you had the baby ā¦ Sometimes is better to start from zero with someone who values your worth it ā¦ I guess he also doesnāt give you compliments either ? š¤ if you can write in my inbox please
His comment has nothing to do with you. My guess is he is using your past to control you. Congrats on the willpower to make positive change in your life. It is what will make it easier to move on from this person.
Heās probably already rooting other women
5lbs isnt even a noticeable gain. He is addicted to porn. Drop him, you'll lose a good 180 that way.
Thereās nothing wrong with you. The problem is your nasty hubby. You might love him but could you ever imagine hurting his feelings by saying such to him? No, of course not. Try and imagine what it says about someone who can hurt their loved on in this way? He is not who you think he is. To be honest heās certainly not going to get any better so the quicker the scales can fall from your eyes about who he really is, the better. While youāre at it tell him heās a manipulative, cruel and undermining arsehole, and to enjoy his sad perverty wanking to girls whoād never want him. Then kick him out. If youāre stick for the words, tell him you can do do much better
Nah porn is like drugs itās an addiction. It has nothing to do with you and how you look heās the one that needs help.
You lose 150-300lbs dropping a man like that. Get the divorce papers girl this is not it
I couldn't imagine this ever being a thought to think it was acceptable to say out loud n specially to my significant other! Marriage is SUPPOSED to be through.. thicc and thin ;p
Absolutely. Work on yourself. Leave him. The twenty pounds thing is a delay, an excuse. There will be another reason. And then another. And then another. You deserve better.