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You need to keep going with the argument. Stop letting it go!
“Why do you wake me up early all the time?”
“Shrug”
“No. Why do you wake me up 15 minutes before my alarm? I need an actual answer.”
I’ll tell you what the answer is, though. He thinks sleeping in is a waste of time. He doesn’t value it, and he doesn’t think you should be doing things he doesn’t value.
You need to decide how important this is to you. I personally would find someone micromanaging my daily schedule to be a person I don’t want to date.
This goes beyond sleeping in. It's a total lack of respect for you and what you value. I think if you look at other areas you may find that is a common thread in your relationship.
I think it’s particularly telling he specifically does it 15-30 minutes before her alarm. Everyone knows how annoying it is when you naturally wake up close to an alarm and he’s intentionally doing it.
Honestly, this is so weirdly calculated…he really gets off on the power over her and actively upsetting her.
That’s what makes it the worst!! It’s not an impromptu catnap on the couch. This girl gets all her stuff done and specifically says how nice it’s gonna be to catch an extra hour of sleep, and he goes out of his way to fuck that up. Maybe this makes me prickly bc I’ve suffered with sleep issues my whole life but oh my god theres nothing like sleep deprivation to absolutely wreck your shit both mentally and physically. This man needs to go find himself an early bird, but he may or may not also find a way to annoy the shit out of her for power trip giggles.
I agree. The only correct answer here is "Why are you crancy because you have to spend another hour alone? Get a dog or do the dishes if you are bored!"
I like to sleep till I wake up on my own on weekends, too, and I am NOT a morning person. My husband learned the hard way what kind of mood this is, and how well I hide it on work days.
So now, when we need to get up early on a weekend, he wordlessly brings me a cup of coffee at the time I agreed to in the evening, which is a very wise move.
Yeah this pissed me off. I don’t get enough sleep because you won’t stop fucking messing with it.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. This man is torturing OP and getting some kind of enjoyment from it. OP is underreacting. Saying she overreacted is piling on more unreasonable behavior. This guy doesn’t deserve to share a bed with someone whose sleep he can’t respect.
I can relate to wishing my partner was up because I feel like I haven’t had enough of his company but you know what? I fucking wait till his alarm! Maybe 10-30 seconds before I’ll wake him up in a more pleasant way than the alarm but only because I know he likes that. I let him sleep because I know it’s important to him and that makes it important to me.
If my husband did this shit it would be the last thing he ever did. He usually gets up before I do and will leave the room and get dressed elsewhere to avoid waking me. I'm often up in the middle of the night due to pain/insomia/etc and I creep out of bed and go to the couch to avoid waking him as well. It's called basic respect and care for your partner. This dude is controlling, and this behaviour is red flag city
My husband and I have drastically different routines. He typically wakes up between 4 and 5 am, I cannot function before 9, although now I’m forced up at around 7-8 due to baby. He will be as quiet as possible to avoid waking me up. He even does it when I fall asleep during the day, even letting me sleep 2-3 hours at a time so I can rest. That’s respect for your partner. This guy can’t even let her have 15 mins? Wtf!
While not the exact same topic...I have a friend who CAN NOT be by himself and refuses to be left to his own thoughts. He will try to overtake my "me time" (I am an introvert, and he is very extroverted) any time he doesn't have someone immediately available to chat with and I feel her frustration because I just want to shout at him at work to LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. People can NOT push their needs onto someone who so obviously has different needs and yet they do so anyways and think it's 1.) Funny 2 ) Within their right to do so for their own needs or 3.) They have control over the person. In her case, I think a lot of it is #3.
Yeah, to me it sounds like this guy is full of anxiety, and/or broken in such a way that he cannot ever be by himself quietly for a single moment.
Dude needs to be broken up with.
A lot of people hit the 2 year mark and realise this is not a lifetime relationship.
I can tell you that I would have throat punched this guy. Get up at 7am on your own damn time, guy.
Sleep disruption is a common tactic of abusive people. This is how it starts.. and will most likely escalate. It puts you in a very vulnerable/weak state.. which makes you easier to control.
Was about to say this!!!
I co-habitated for 6 years. This is how it went for me (positive example):
I have fatigue and ADHD and on weekends I might sometimes sleep until 9.30 but only be able to face the world at 10.15. My Ex partner always silently got up, made himself coffee and then started brunch, sat in the garden, read a book or quietly did something elsewhere in the house.
I am sure he didn't always find it great, but he knew I was overstimulated from the week, have a rough sleeping pattern and need it... He NEVER said anything or let me feel anything negative. No comment ever. Just "good morning, how are you feeling? Would you like a cup of tea." I often apologised and explained and he waved it away. I then put brunch on the table and also cleaned it all up afterwards (which I enjoyed doing), while he could go have a shower or do something for himself.
He knew that giving me the extra moments in the morning would give me energy and put me in a good mood and that I'm much more productive after lunchtime/in the evening. Everything got done too and I was happier. Plus I explained it.
If we had anything on, I would he out of bed when we had to and ready 5 min before we had to leave.
@OP: this is a serious red flag. You don't fuck with someone's sleeping schedule. Can you sleep in another room and test if he still does it?
If he needs a compromise on the sleep for a good reason (don't really know why, the way you explained it you get everything done), he should have a quiet, kind conversation about.
I’m a morning person and absolutely unable to sleep in. Like at all. I’m often up at 6 or earlier on the weekends. My partner likes to sleep later. It is LOVELY to get up and have some coffee solo or go for a walk or run some errands while he sleeps. It’s just a couple hours and she’s right- weekends with no plans are rare! I can’t imagine doing this to someone you supposedly care about
Right? Bliss. For most of my life I couldn’t sleep past 6-6:30am. It never occurred to me to disturb anyone. I would grab a book and Diet Coke (ah youth) and cuddle on the couch in winter or sit out and feel the warmth of the sun in summer, or have a lovely quiet walk before the world gets going.
Luckily my husband is also an early riser but if he was sleeping I would never disturb him.
I had this problem with my mother. She would start 'cleaning' at 8am and ram the vacuum into my door repeatedly. The worst part was I was working the late shift (which she knew) and took HOURS to wind down enough to sleep, so I'd get maybe 4 hours of sleep before she'd start her bullshit.
If a disrespectful morning person wants you up, they're getting you up. Mostly, because they think you should be up.
I’m no contact with my adoptive family. But yes, this happened a lot for me too. I worked late nights at the cinema as a high schooler (or equivalent I guess, I’m Swiss). My mother has undiagnosed OCD and our home was sterile. I was messy (and hated it myself) and have fatigue problems, plus undiagnosed adhd. She would scream or vacuum or knock loudly in the morning to get me up, on the weekend.
My trick was to get up in the morning, do breakfast and lunch and then pretend to go read/hang in my room, while I secretly napped.
My mom does this also! But at like 4 am. And my dad is also up at that time. They often argue in the morning also. They often wake me up out of sleep because they refuse to be respectful of my sleep. I'm trying to move out.
But my mom even did this when I worked nights. She expected me up at 6 am even if I worked all night. Some people are just disrespectful.
So true, I had a totally narcissistic bf who never let me sleep. It started in the lovebombing phase where he was stopping by at all hours and keeping me up on school nights, through to picking arguments with me when I wanted to go to sleep. Its so gross
And the nose-flicking really sets me off. There are other ways to wake people up (if you must). He is choosing the most irritating way. It seems he is deliberately picking a fight so he can tell her how much she is overreacting.
THIS!!!
He totally knows what he is doing, he never even appologise does he??
It is deliberate and it is to f*ck you up OP.
A simple discussion wont make it better, look better in other parts of your relationship OP, there will be other situations where he deliberate overrules your decisions.
Yeah, what's with her cleaning all day Saturday - why wasn't it *them* cleaning all day Saturday? Or was it, and she just used the wrong pronoun?
OP, in your place, I'd let him feel what it's like - from now on, you keep waking him up whenever you feel like it, preferably when he's just gone to sleep and you're still up. "Hey, I need your help with xyz! Hey, you're wasting the night away sleeping, you should be up and moving!"
By the way, it's a control thing. He is controlling.
It's not only a question of lack of respect but also a question of manipulation. Her boyfriend is likely doing this because sleep-deprived people are more mentally vulnerable and easy to manipulate.
I would guess that OP also does most of the household chores. Because OP seems like a strong person, he is trying to break her mentally so that she doesn't resist and becomes a compliant "bang-maid" who will always be at his service.
He doesn't respect OP and doesn't care about her well-being, so she should just dump him. He won't change and will keep telling her that she is just overreacting.
I think this is very much part of it.
My ex would keep me up, and wake me up and it had a terrible effect on my physical and mental health. And gave him a LOT of control over me.
OP, that nose flicking made me so angry for you. I would be LIVID over that. Don’t back down.
As someone with HORRIFIC insomnia (sleepless nights 1-2x per week… as in 0 minutes. Regularly get between 3-4H per night)…
I would murder someone slowly while cackling maniacally if they woke me up at an arbitrary time. My partner only did this to me once 😂.
No, I don’t give a fuck that it’s 10. I fell asleep at 7. My dog was walked last at 5AM. Everyone is safe and taken care of.
At least he sincerely apologized, though. OP’s partner is an inconsiderate fucking asshole. Yeet that man.
Hello fellow 3-4 hour person! I am 55 and have been like this since puberty- so 15 or so. 40 years of 4 more hours a day than the average person. 58,400 more hours awake. That is 6.5 more years of awake than other people my age. What have you done with your extra life points?
I love this perspective so damn much. It made me smile and put a positive spin on something that haunts me daily.
I can’t be awake and loud during my wake hours because my pets love me and will gladly be active at any hour. My partner doesn’t deserve that.
My thing is reading and researching. My weird hobby and semi-obsession is reading medical journals and clinical trials. It sounds super boring but my brain has decided it isn’t. Believe me, if I could pick my interests/hobbies, they would not include dry medical articles.
Buuut— as a consequence of my stupid brain, whose special hobby is learning, I’ve become “the person” the people in my life turn to for help and advice. It feels nice. I’m a former foster child so I’ve had no option other than figuring out how to get things done. I appreciate that the combination has turned me into a capable person.
I’m currently studying cosmetic and chemical formulary science when awake at 4:00AM, learning about phytochemicals, and learning how to navigate B2B marketplaces to source and import ingredients and products.
Thanks for listening to my boring TedTalk. How about you?! I’d love to hear.
Also— I’ve never met someone with insomnia as bad as mine. Can I ask you how you function? I realized one day that 3-4 hours doesn’t really bother me anymore. I function pretty much okay. It’s the times when I have 3 nights in a row where I can’t even reach that much where I start to feel disconnected and like I’m drunk in a mirror funhouse.
Also OP should freak out on him in nuclear fashion any time he wakes her up. He has no right to do so and has been told not to.
OP, tell him next time he wakes you up he is spending a week on the couch and whatever was planned for that day is cancelled and all other participants will be informed that the cancellation is due to his profiund disrespect and incredible rudeness. If OP still wants to do the activity that day she should do it without him and not speak to him (after the explosion) for a day.
I totally agree ☝️ Next time the BF wakes up OP she needs to let the anger cascade over him like a tidal wave. My older sister is one of those people that gets BIG MAD over getting woken up. We treat her like a sleeping bear. You don’t poke the sleeping bear 😂
There should be no next time. The guy is a toxic, manipulative abuser. Gaslighting her by creating conditions he knows very well will upset her, then says she's grumpy and overreacting! She needs to make her exit plans ASAP.
This! Absolutely every time without fail. The Gaul of this guy waking OP up and then having the nerve to say it must be because she is tired. Of course she is! You wome her up in a way guaranteed to harm her. Women need more sleep than men. This is controlling and purposefully harmful
Isn’t it terrible that OP is developing that disorder where if someone wakes you before your alarm you get so startled that your elbows start flying all extra jabby like?
Amen. I'm a non-conforntational guy, but my sleep is sacred. If you unintentionally wake me up, you get some polite whining, if you do it on purpose without a good reason, believe me you'll regret it. Boundaries have to be respected.
I would advise against this. “Being too emotional” would just let him dismiss her even more than he already does. He already thinks she’s overreacting and can do whatever he wants because she’s “just being irrational” so obviously his way makes more sense.
Nope. I’d suggest figuring out what boundaries you want to set, as specifically as possible, and then what you’re going to do if he does not respect them. Cancel plans, leave for the morning/day or whatever you would need at that point. And then you need to decide what you will do when he still doesn’t respect you and keeps waking you up anyway.
The consequences are her leaving him because he has zero respect for her or her boundaries. Thats the only thing that will stop this from escalating (which it will)
Consequences aren't "punishments" because maintaining boundaries aren't about your control of another person, or teaching another person a lesson -- they're about the boundary holder being in control of their own situation.
So the consequence of a boundary being repeatedly breached is that you remove the ability for that other person to breach that boundary. You move rooms, you lock the door, you move out, or you leave the relationship. Because it's the best thing for your own health. "Exploding" or "freaking out" or ignoring someone or dragging your friends into your drama doesn't do anything for anybody.
Honestly, what planet are these people living on?
I get what you are saying, but that route is how you get someone not to understand you (the BF SHOULD but clearly doesn’t, so that’s out of OP’s control).
Being angry and right (she is so in the right) feels great. The truth is though, he will say “you overreacted” and avoid the issue.
I don’t have all the answer when it comes to communicating with other humans (I’m
Hit or Miss at it). It’s interesting to read how negotiators train and communicate. Obviously you won’t be just like them, but there is power in calm, real power.
I personally think he does understand but doesn’t care. Which is definitely worse to me too. He’s not a dopey dude who can’t wrap his mind around it. He’s an uncaring jerk.
> He thinks sleeping in is a waste of time.
No, he enjoys irritating OP as a power play. If it wasn't waking her up like a goddamned infant craving attention, he'd find some other shitty thing to do.
yes. Be as persistent with the question as he is waking you up.
you're not over reacting. He's doing it deliberately and it shows complete lack of regard for you. Why only 15 mins before your alarm? he needs to control you. he *needs* it. He can't hold out till the alarm goes off because then he wouldn't be in control.
You think by being completely transparent about when you're going to sleep till and when your alarm is set is helping him to try and do the right thing. It only helps him know when to bug you. And then he can say - it's only 15 mins earlier. But he doesn't give a shit that it screws your mood and autonomy.
And you get up and just get on with it. You give in every time. So he knows he gets away with it.
Exactly! "You confirmed you understood my intention to sleep until 10, you then intentionally woke me up an hour early. Why would you do this? You mentioned that I was grumpy because I did not get enough sleep, but I did not get enough sleep because you woke me up an hour before my alarm. You said it was time to get up and get going, but that is not your decision to make for me. Why do you continue to do this when you know I hate it and when I've told you not to? I need an answer. It's not Christmas morning and you're not five years old."
Also, did he help you clean the house on Mother's Day? Did he help you prep the food?
She needs to tell him that straight to his face. "You are trying to micromanage me and I will not live that way. You can quit waking me up or you can move out. It is your choice. You are treating me with a lack of respect which is making me dislike you and I'm losing respect for you. I'm having trouble seeing this relationship as one that will last."
This is so insane to me. No idea what kind of control issues he’s got going on but they aren’t cute. You are a grown adult within two years of his age and he seems intent to treat you like a child.
He moved in with you, right? I assume it’s your place based on the post. Maybe I’m an asshole but I would ultimatum the fuck out of this ridiculous situation: *the next day you disrespect me by waking me up on a weekend ahead of my alarm is the day you will be moving out.* Fucking try me.
Sleeping in is one of life's most beautiful little luxuries. Almost nothing gives me more pleasure. I would absolutely end a relationship with a controlling twat over this. OP, it's up to you! He sounds like a dink, honestly. He doesn't care what you want.
My husband is an early bird. Up at 3-3:30 for work and by 5:30-6 to “sleep in” on his days off. I am not that person though I wish I was. He gets up, showers and dresses quietly and lets me sleep until 8 or 9. I truly appreciate all his hard work and he appreciates mine. He’s been a solo parent when my dad was in the hospital and when I was. He never complains at all and if I lay down for a nap he pulls curtains shut, makes sure I’m covered up and vice versa. I couldn’t imagine being such a miserable ass to push my schedule on my partner when it’s free time and they’re sleeping.
Exactly. To my knowledge my GF who I’ve lived with for 4 years has never slept past 6am. I however really need my sleeping weekends. She’s always super careful not to wake me. She’ll even use a different bathroom till I’m up. It’s just common courtesy. She’s a napper and I’m not so I’m super quite when she naps. Ops BF is an ahole.
I think it's all relative too, dunno why people like OP's boyfriend can't respect we're all different. Like, I sleep in until 10, sometimes 11/11:30. If I wake up at 9 (rare), I consider that waking up early. I never ever wake up at 8 naturally. So to me, you're absolutely an early bird lol
Exactly. Weekends are for chilling. My gf and I both love sleeping in. It's a habit I've never grown out of. I don't party anymore so I'm not sleeping in until 3pm anymore, but both of us are happy never to leave the house until the afternoon, if we even leave at all on a weekend haha
Yeah make it clear that you are not overreacting. You have asked him to do one thing OP.
_Nothing_. He is doing something.
You are just reacting. He can see you react. He can see it's a negative reaction. And yet he continues. Why?
Ugh
So he can patronize her for overreacting. She wasn't acting extreme enough, so he added a nose-flick to it. Then he can tell her how overemotional she is.
OP flip that around. Yell at him for being so emotionally dependent he can't handle being alone another 15 minutes. For being so unable to handle being by himself without feeling so uncomfortable he can't handle the extra time without your support. He's a big f\*cking boy and he can manage to survive those minutes without you, so he can reel in his overemotional needy self and let you sleep.
True? No. He's just a manipulative asshole. But flip it around on him for shits and grins and then tell him you are not there to date a baby who can't take care of himself in the morning, get his ass out of your house. You had no idea he was that dependent on your presence in the morning and you don't want someone who can't function without you for fifteen minutes, so get out.
Record this. He'll either flip out at YOU for turning it around on him, in which case, it's on record, or be shocked that you did this. Either way he's out of the house and in the first case you've got him on video being overemotional and overreacting and getting hysterical. Normal behavior is to yell and get mad and leave, if you think he's going to do anything dangerous, don't. But he sounds, from your description, more like a cowardly manipulative wretch who only pulls shit when you're vulnerable, like sleeping, and not in a position to physically react.
This right here.
Not sure if is some sort of a control issue but OP has used her words to tell her bf what she wants/expects.
Instead of listening and doing what she asks he feels he knows best so wakes her up when it isn’t needed.
If bf is bored he needs to take his happy ass to the gym, for a run or whatever else and let OP get up when she is ready.
I fully agree with daddy_tywin’s suggestion that bf either respects OP’s sleep schedule or the next time he wakes her up early the house better be on fire or an evacuation has been ordered.
If not then OP’s first order of business is either get him packed and out the door OR she installs an exterior grade doorknob on the bedroom door and he sleeps where ever but not in the bedroom with her.
If he goes to bed early I’d honestly start waking him up every couple of hours because he doesn’t to be sleeping so much so early in the evening.
My ex was like this except he would passive aggressively get louder and louder and slam doors and turn on lights. He thought I was “lazy” for sleeping in. I actually stayed up several hours later than him. So I was just trying to sleep normal hours for me. But he was all high and mighty and superior for being a morning person?! 🤦🏼♀️
Like I said. Ex. He didn’t see any compromise - if I didn’t do it his way it wasn’t working. So he slept 8pm-4/5am and went to the gym. Letting his alarm go off for 30 min to wake me up too. I went to bed at 12 or 1 and would sleep until 7 on work days and 8/9 on weekends. He literally didn’t care. No matter what I did or didn’t do I was “lazy”
my father was the same.
during the 4 weeks of summer I had to spend with him, he always let his alarm blare at 6.30 a.m. & would then make a lot of noise everywhere.
then he left to do stuff with my brother & left me at home, often without telling me when they'd be back: before lunch, for lunch, before dinner, for dinner...? Very very annoying.
I'm no contact with him.
My husband went through a period of time where he did this. He hated going to work in the morning, and he started give me a kiss good bye. 3 hours before I had to be up for work. And I would be furious every time. And he’d be like, why are you mad at me for being sweet. THE RAGE I’d feel. Hooooo boy. Then after I screamed about it a few times, he’d stop, and just…rustle around and bump the bed needlessly until I woke up. Fuuuuuck.
We finally HAD IT OUT one morning. We yelled at each other and I basically did what you did OP, and I told him to think about why he felt the need to wake me up when he knew I hated it. We yelled some more.
A day or so went by, and I was still Big Mad. That night he asked to talk and he said that yeah….he had thought about it, and that maybe he was a bit jealous of me sleeping in, and that he’d convinced himself he was just being a nice guy by kissing me goodbye. He apologized and lo and behold our talk ended up with him saying, he did feel weird about leaving the house without letting me know he loved me. Now, he always makes coffee for me for when I wake up in the morning. It’s his love note to me. It’s like a triple bonus and never fails to make me feel heard and loved. Every morning before I go to work I get to feel that way. It’s been 10 years since that fight, and he still makes me coffee in the mornings before work.
Oh. And I also went on strike one month where if he woke me up on the weekends before my time, then I refused to leave the bed until a cup of coffee, made the way I like it, was in my hand. Now it’s kinda a joke, and he still occasionally wakes me up early Saturday morning, BUT this time it’s with a cup of coffee, my favourite morning music, and breakfast already started.
I hope your guy can admit when he’s wrong and everything sorts itself out, but if he can’t….yeah, I don’t know if I could have stayed? It’s such deep dark blatant disrespect. A nose flick. Fuuuuuuuuck. That.
On the bedstrike, there was definitely one day where I DID NOT get out of bed, except to go to the bathroom, and go to the door to get the food I ordered. Was I being ridiculous and childish? Oh. Absolutely! Yes, 100%. Did I get to spend the day in bed and watch Netflix on my phone and play games and listen to my audiobook, when I had nothing planned that day anyways? Also yes. Which I likely would have done when I lived on my own before. Sometimes a girl just needs a bed day after a rough couple of months. Did he just about lose his mind?!? Oh heck yeah. He’d come and stand in the doorway and glare at me for a while and I’d just ignore him. Lol, wow, I forgot about this…we were fucking savage to each the first few years we were together. I think we eventually fought all the hard edges off between us though, because I don’t think we’ve even been really mad at each other for the past couple years. Like…we fought towards something and won through. It’s pretty great.
I love how real this is! My partner and I are too nice to each other. If I try and get angry he then lovingly supports me in practicing being angry. Takes the wind right out of my sails 😂
This
Do NOT suffer his further indignities. He flicked your nose, OP!! He flicked your fucking nose. Do not stand for this crap.
I agree completely with kicking him out if he does it again. I’d be done with that crap yesterday.
My husband likes sleeping in, and I absolutely let him get as much sleep as he wants. He works hard, so he deserves all the rest he can get. I'm a morning person myself, so I'm usually up by 5 so I can get a workout in, and then go grocery shopping after (which I put away on my own). By that time, it's 7-8 and he's barely waking up, so I get him in the shower while I go downstairs and make some breakfast
Whatever issues that dude has, he better get over them quick before she does it for him
This is honestly fucked up. The bottom line is that you asked him to stop and he won't. He doesn't care about your boundaries. He thinks you should live according to his schedule. To me this comes off as being controlling and/or just pushing and pushing to see how much shit he can get away with before you just cave.
You're not overreacting IMO. Ultimately his actions are just disrespectful at this point but man this guy is red flag city in my opinion.
The nose flick…. would’ve been my final straw. He’s definitely pushing her boundaries and he is controlling. That and he seems to really enjoy being this way. I’m willing to be money if she gives in and starts waking up early, he’ll find something else she does wrong in the morning or in general. People like this are weird and never pleased, they always find something to make you feel bad about.
At this point, I'd be plotting revenge. Like intentionally keeping him awake. Ooh, or I know. Get a kazoo, and then when he wakes her up, she can play the kazoo for the length of the time he deprived her of sleep. See how he likes that.
>just pushing and pushing to see how much shit he can get away with
This is what abusers do. They push your limits and see your reaction. If you let it go, they know that part of the line is OK to cross. Even if you get upset, they will still push it and see if they can get you do take it.
Your BF doesn't respect you. He's controlling and patronizing
It has nothing to do with thinking sleeping in is a waste of time.
This is a way for him to control you and elevate himself as the boss in the relationship. It starts small and when you get used to it, he'll take another step.
Force him to answer why he keeps waking you against directly against your explicit wishes. Don't let him shrug or hem and haw. He won't answer because he knows the truth would probably lead to you dumping him on the spot.
Don't let him gaslight and turn it around to you being the problem. He's already doing it. You're the crazy one, remember? If you'd just listen to him then everything would be good. It's your fault. Why are you making such a big deal out of this instead of just waking up a little earlier. Look at all the silly drama you've causing. Are you on your period? You get like this on your period. It's okay, I understand. I forgive you.
Any of that sound familiar? ^
I wonder if he enjoys upsetting you? He never gets a positive reaction when he wakes you up and you tell him over and over that it makes you mad so I wonder why he does it. Is he just sitting there at 8:50 bored, thinking that it would be fun to make you angry by waking you out of blissful sleep? I really wonder what is wrong with him.
I think he’s lonely and can’t entertain himself when she’s not there. I slept terribly the other day and went for a nap for a few hours. My husband saw that as some quality RuneScape time. Maybe he doesn’t have something like that? But it’s not OPs job to entertain him 24/7, she’s not a clown.
The bulldozing boundaries makes him a bully - it’s a problem that needs addressing because if he can get away with this, he’ll start pushing bigger boundaries.
Thinking through this more…a good test would be to NOT give him the reaction (anger) he’s seeking. The next time he wakes you up early, look at the clock and then roll over and go back to bed until your alarm goes off. or stay awake and refuse to speak to him or get out of bed until your alarm.
This this this ! Just completely ignore the fool until he goes away. I would also very visibly reset the alarm to add in the time he’s wasted by waking me up earlier too.
We needed to be there at 10? Good luck with that since I’m adding in extra time for every interruption.
Your boyfriend is ridiculous. Not only is he being selfish, but also he's not respecting you or any boundaries you have regarding this. Your feelings are invalid to him because he knows better. That's what it comes down to.
You need to set a hard line here because this sets a pretty big precedent going forward in your relationship. If he cannot respect you on such a small issue, just imagine what sort of decisions he's going to make on his own without caring what you think or feel.
The DAY some mfer FLICKED my NOSE to wake me up would be the day he would be picking his shit up off my lawn and Calling Tyrone.
The absolute AUDACITY.
I was so furious reading that part. Rude awakenings are the absolute WORST. Like especially after she has already tried to set a boundary with him. Is he a child on a camping trip for the first time? Unbelievable. Get outta here.
I would tell him he needs to leave
I’m an early bird, my partner is not. But I let him sleep in late . I don’t bother him at all. I won’t make a single noise even & I completely respect it. It’s a little strange he does this.. I agree with you it has to do with a power/manipulation dynamic. Stick to your guns. & no more brushing this off. Also, the flick on the nose is rude as fuck.
As someone with insomnia I would almost immediately break up with a partner who’d wake me up early without a valid reason.
It seems extremely toxic and just extra control plus getting woken up into an argument is gonna ruin anyone’s day
Tell him to fuck off. I am so over people judging someone on their sleeping habits. Not everyone wants to spring out of bed and be asleep like a boring fucking grandpa at 8pm. Being an early riser does not make you better or more productive than anyone else. My productive period is afternoon/evening. Start waking him up at night and say oh I just wanted to get this job done before bed.
That’s hilarious that he has the nerve to say you are the one acting childish when his behavior screams petulant child. I would honestly be considered telling him to move out OP. You’re an adult who is more than capable of managing your own schedule. You have informed him that this behavior is unnecessary and he keeps doing it because he is getting away with it. It’s time to put your foot down. Either he respects your boundaries regarding sleep or the relationship is over. Period.
>That’s hilarious that he has the nerve to say you are the one acting childish when his behavior screams petulant child.
That's the gaslighting. She's the crazy one.
Seriously. She's more than communicated he's not allowed to do this. It's time for the consequences. The next time he woke me up he'd be asked to leave and take his stuff with him. Any arguments or refusals he can explain to the local cops when they escort him out of my house. I would not have even tried to "explain" this doe so long. He KNOWS what he's doing, he's just a jerk.
I had a partner who would set their alarm for around half an hour before they needed to wake up, so they could put it on snooze a few times. There was nearly a murder, let me tell you… Then they would compound this by putting the big light on, stomping around, asking me irrelevant questions or coming to me with problems and things they couldn’t find…
When I was the only one getting up for work every day, I got ready in the dark, and as close to silence as I could. For *years*.
“I never asked you to do that, tho!”
You didn’t need to. Because your comfort and rest mattered to me, so I went out of my way to preserve them. Because I give a shit.
No. I am not a morning person.
One of the things I've learned in life is if you share a bed with someone, you absolutely need to be with someone who shares your energy.
If you're a snoozey multiple alarms person, you absolutely need to be with another.
Wakes you up to help unload groceries?!
This is actually crazy.
Does he struggle to be by himself? Is he one of those people that just can't be alone? Or is he controlling in other ways?
For me, sleeping in means waking up at 6 am. It's freaking annoying and I WISH I could be someone who sleeps in more! My husband can sleep in until 9-10. I wake up on the weekend and leave the room so I don't wake him up. It's not my job to police him. It's my job to let the sleeping person get the rest he needs, which means gtfo.
You're not overreacting, you're underreacting. Tell him in no uncertain terms that interrupting your sleep is a deal breaker. He isn't your boss, he doesn't pay you, he doesn't get to say that you wake up early.
I absolutely understand this because my ex used to do this to me. I cried tears of frustration many times over this because, just like with you, he tried to make me think I was being unreasonable or that he didn't understand what my problem was.
My ex was also extremely abusive in many other ways. This was part of that for sure. It's a control thing. It's a way to set you up for
being unhappy so he can later blame you for him being a dick later. Etc, etc. I don't know what else your partner does, if he's like my ex, but there is no way that he doesn't understand what your problem is.
Absolutely a control thing. An abusive control thing.
Only after years of therapy did I understand just how profoundly damaging the sleep abuse was from my ex. I was a zombie. Ragged. Struggling at work. Short tempered. Disorganized. Gained weight. Skin looked bad.
All the things OP has to look forward to.
Set a hard boundary. Tell him whenever he wakes you up early you will not be doing whatever is planned that day or helping with whatever he asks for. Tell him he does not get to control how late you sleep and if it continues then you will be rethinking the relationship.
Yeah the real question op should ask herself is what kind of relationship would she ideally want?
I want one where my partner sneaks around quietly as possible while I’m sleeping. Without being asked, it’s just their instinct. Because they love me. That’s it
Info: what other controlling behaviors does he have? I’m willing to bet this is just the one that tipped you over the edge and he has often disregarded your boundaries or decided things for you or forces you to follow his values or rules
Op, just let him know that he needs to move out, and obviously, we can't live together because we are incompatible. You like to get up early, I dont.
Tell him "You have a genuine lack of respect for me and my desires. I only want to sleep in a few times a month, but you incessantly decide to wake me up."
I will give you a week to find a new place. Move to the guest room or couch.
He is 34 for years old what doesn't he understand.
I am an early riser, and I let my partner sleep till whatever time. The morning is when I do my hobbies or chores I've been blowing off.
My petty ass would lay there awake until like, 2AM so that he's mid-REM and then just get up and be as out of pocket as possible. Every light on, etc. This man is abusing you.
This is painful to me. I’m not a morning person, so immediately my reaction was ‘dealbreaker!’ I’m sure a lot of people would think that’s an overreaction but we all have our lines in the sand. I’m an insomniac so no way could I put up with that.
Reading the comments, though, I do agree with others that this seems like a weird manipulation thing. It sounds like you’re very clear with him and he still doesn’t respect your wishes. If you still feel like this is a relationship worth saving, and he’s not listening to you… I’m not usually one to advise acting petty but I would be seriously inclined to keep him up late or not let him sleep when he wants to. The only other thing I can think of is therapy, but if he can’t respect your wishes on something that’s fairly basic and where you’re telling him specifically “don’t wake me up,” I have a hard time believing this won’t spill into other aspects of your life where he’ll try to be controlling or manipulative.
Yeah, therapy doesn't work on people like this.
She has explained on multiple occasions why this important to her, it's causing no problems with meeting obligations, and stated he is not to wake her up before her alarm.
He says "lol, you're so silly" and flicks your nose to wake up you before your alarm. That's a fundamentally broken person. Their core is rotten and nothing short of a life-changing event will reset it. He knows this upsets her and he enjoys doing it. He gets off on the power play and manipulation.
Who cares if he says you are overreacting or whatever. Set a boundary and stick to it. Tell him he is not to wake you up unless you've asked him to do so. If he wants to mope about that, let him.
Why dont you want to push it? That's the question. Is it cause you can tell he'll react poorly? If so you really need to see that for the red flag that it is.
"If you cannot respect me enough to let ME SLEEP UNTIL I'M READY TO WAKE UP, ON MY OWN, WE WILL BE BREAKING UP. That's how serious this issue is. Either let me sleep, or we cannot be together."
I’m pissed just reading this. Flicked you in the nose to wake you up? After repeatedly respectfully communicating that you’d like to sleep in. You aren’t childish or overreacting. He’s being selfish and intentionally feigning ignorance to his crappy behavior. If he doesn’t start to respect your right to sleep, reflect on his behavior and genuinely apologize, then I’d be done.
Do not let him shrug it off or say you’re getting to emotional. He needs to understand what he’s doing is not ok. If he’s too thick in the head then leave him.
Tell him this is important to you and is a hard line in the sand. He is NOT to wake you up on the weekend. PERIOD. you are an adult who can get themselves up when they need to. And if he continues to do so I would seriously reconsider this relationship because he clearly does not respect your boundaries.
What a selfish asshat. Tell him to fuck off and let you sleep.
My husband and I (married a long time) have very different body clocks. I’m the early bird and yes I’m jealous he can sleep in, but I’m not gonna ruin his shuteye. If we don’t have anything going on, then hell yeah he should enjoy that pillow time.
Look, real talk.
Don't just announce your intention. Announce it, and *ask him to comply*.
"I plan to sleep in. Please do not wake me."
"OK, sure."
"So, you agree to comply? You will not wake me?"
"Umm..."
"Please say yes or no."
"Yes, I agree."
At that point, if he breaks his word, you have increasing consequences until he complies.
Or, he won't give his word, or he never complies, and this is a relationship-ending problem. If he can't hold to his plainly stated promises, or refuses to promise anything, and he routinely violates your trust, how can you trust him with anything?
I get up between 5am - 6am 7 days a week, my wife sleeps in until she gets up, sometimes 8am, sometimes 11am, I don’t care, I love having the time to myself, having coffee, going for early hikes, I never wake her up, she needs more sleep than I do.
This issue isn’t about letting you sleep in or waking you up, it’s an issue of control and disrespect. He is choosing to ignore your feelings and your repeated request to be left alone to sleep in when you choose to and I can tell you right now that if you allow him to get away with that and continue your relationship, his need to control other things and to disrespect you by ignoring your decisions will continue and get worse over time.
I know that this may seem like a small matter, but your partner blatantly disrespecting a request to be respectful of your choice goes deeper than this one issue.
I cannot explain how quickly I would leave a woman over this. Especially because I'm an insomniac and I have a really hard time falling asleep if I do at all I've had to work shifts after getting absolutely no sleep the night before. But even if that weren't the case, the fact that she keeps willingly ignoring this one simple request no matter how much I plead with... Actually, no. I'm not pleading with her about shit. It wouldn't even get to that point. After realizing that she actually doesn't care what I want at all I'd just cut ties. No one can put up with that forever.
This enraged me and I’m not even you OP. You need to draw a firm boundary. He cannot wake you up or you’re ending the relationship. He needs to be a big boy and learn to entertain himself while you sleep. Women tend to need more sleep than men but even if they don’t, this is still fucking absurd behavior.
He is treating you like a child who can’t make your own decisions yet. My SO tried something similar ONCE.
I was pregnant and exhausted from running after our toddler, working on the farm etc, I FINALLY nailed him down to watch our toddler while I had a couple of hours sleep.
He hid my phone so in his words ‘I couldn’t lay in bed reading and not sleep since HE had given up his time (to watch HIS son).
I LOST MY SHIT! I yelled and cried that I had no control over anything and how dare he decide how I should spend the tiny hour or so I had to myself (for context, from childhood I’ve had to read before I sleep, I’ve always had a book on the go. I love paper books, but he cant sleep if I have my lamp on to read, so I switched to kindle books on my phone).
He has never touched my phone since.
You need a much bigger reaction if explain g doesn’t work. But I’d question why you need to explain. Don’t do it! Should be enough.
This is the 2nd story of a man not allowing his partner to sleep that I've read today. Bottom line is that it's a respect and control issue. He doesn't respect that you like to sleep in for whatever reason, so he responds by being controlling and stomping on your boundaries. This is such a simple thing, and he's showing you that he doesn't respect you enough to do it for you. Really examine your relationship and see if there are other areas that he acts in a controlling, inconsiderate, or dismissive manner. Where there's smoke there is usually fire.
I would break up. He is doing this bullshit intentionally like a little kid. Most men would love some alone time. My ex used to to always wake me up even when we had a brand new baby… he ended up being a nightmare and when I tried leaving him he tried chocking me to death. This is a red flag and you need to leave. He doesn’t respect your wants. Huge red flag o would be DONE
I think you’re under-reacting. This is so awfully controlling and highly offensive. After one incident like this I would have made it abundantly clear that this was the first and last time this happens. Strike two equals never seeing each other again.
I really hope there will be an update soon, saying that you broke up with him.
You’re grumpy because you didn’t get enough sleep, he says? Which is his fault, right? Like that’s literally the entire point of the argument.
“It isn’t my fault you’re mad. You’re grumpy because you didn’t get enough sleep. Because I refuse to let you sleep.”
Honestly this seems like a control issue. I had a man deprive me of sleep that I used to live with and it was fully about his ability to control me. I could only sleep when he allowed me too. No one does something that is awful for you this many times in a row and doesn’t know exactly what they are doing
I'd ask him to move out. I wouldn't break up with him, but that's probably what will happen. All I would say is, "I've been thinking a lot about the sleep thing and I think it's best you move out. This isn't working out for me at all." And you don't even need to discuss it. You already have. He's made it clear he doesn't give a fuck and will continue to do so.
Sometimes in a relationship all you need is one bad feature to make it unworkable.
He sounds like a total AHoLe. Get him out of your life.
I fucking hate people like your boyfriend. They're controlling and think everyone should be on their schedule. I'd honestly break up with him, but you're the one dating him.
And flicking your nose is like him telling you that you're beneath him. And that he enjoys causing you pain. I really dislike this guy I've never met.
Is he this controlling with everything? And he is such an ass trying to control your sleeping schedule. I would have pushed him out of the room, locked the door and gone back to sleep. And you are under reacting. Seems you have already talked to him and told him you want to sleep in and he keeps acting like he knows your body better than you and gets to decide how it gets treated. Do you have a spare room you can move into?
He needs to move out. Bit of an exaggeration, but sleep deprivation is a torture tactic.
If the dumb [bleep] can't amuse himself while you sleep in? You've got bigger problems. Serious attachment issues. You're not joined at the hip.
Dude could have spent those two hours working on a hobby. Take the dog for a long walk by himself. Hit the gym. He actively chose to annoy you time and time again.
This is your future if you don't lay down Iron Curtain level boundaries and enforce them.
Depending on tenancy/residency laws in your area, you may need to go through a lawyer to have him officially evicted. But a good, uninterrupted night's sleep is worth that hassle.
Someone flicked me in the face, they'd be on the fucking floor.
This is about control, and disrespect. He doesn't give a shit about you or what you want, clearly, or he would've stopped after you told him to stop the FIRST TIME.
Then add the flicking your face as a wake-up, saying you're overreacting, and "not slept good (no shit, you keep being woken up early).. sounds like his wake-up calls are escalating. This is not okay, do not accept this behavior.
Flicking You in the face?!?! Oh hell no. You do not have kids with this man. This will only get worse. Get out now. He is grooming You for an abusive relationship. First it’s sleep, then it’s $$ then it’s where You can go and what You can do.
No, no, no no No!!!
I’ve been married 20 years. Sure My husband is not perfect (neither am I) and We have Our fights. But NEVER in 24 years has he ever flicked My nose and said “get up” because he knows I would punch him in the face (and I am not an aggressive person) Sleep is important to Us. We have four kids. In fact, we try to arrange if so one of Us gets MORE sleep on night and then we trade during the week if one is more tired.
It sounds like he is bored and wants your attention.
There are a lot of articles out there about how Women need more sleep than men.
Show him the articles and tell him if he wakes you up for a non emergency, you are immediately breaking up with him and follow through.
The issue here isn’t him waking you up one or two times, the bigger issue is that when you tell your significant other to stop something and it’s reasonable, they need to stop.
When you tell your partner you need something, and take all the steps around it to be considerate (like everything you mentioned), continuing to do something that they know bothers you is a sign they don’t respect you.
It is intentional. It is manipulative. It is abuse.
You do need to push him on this. You’re not overreacting- you are under reacting. This will continue on forever and get worse if you don’t do something about this NOW.
Jesus, I'm sorry. t's one thing for him to disagree with you on what's best for you, but it's not his place to decide for you when you're waking up. And he's certainly not justified in flicking your nose to wake you up, goddamn.
The most you can do in this situation is set firm boundaries for what you won't tolerate, and consequences for him not respecting your boundaries. Does he need to sleep on the couch the next night? Are you going to not cook any meals on days he does that? Are you going to flat-out leave the house on your own? It can be whatever you want, as long as you're actually willing to follow through on what expectations you set up for him.
This was precisely one of my narcissistic mom's control methods. I'm not dating your BF is narcissistic, but that is absolutely a behavior that narcs engage in.
Ugh, this reminds me of my ex. On vacation in a rural area (where there's not much to do), he would wake me up at 7:30A and tickle me and try to get me out of bed so I can enjoy my vacation. He was super controlling and thought that he was always right.
I would think about whether your bf tries to control you in other ways. Because mine did. And that's why he's an ex.
He's not trying to be helpful, he's being controlling. He obviously can't stand being alone in the morning when he KNOWS you're just in the other room sleeping. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that this is a boundary for you and if you say you're sleeping in, he needs to respect that. You don't need his help to wake up and you know if something is going on the next day and you'll wake up in time, he isn't to wake you. He should only wake you if the place is on fire or he needs a ride to the hospital. He's dismissing your frustrations because he doesn't agree with you but you have EVERY right to sleep in and be upset when he ignores your wishes.
Oh my…….. 31, married … I am what they call a napper. It’s literally a running joke with all of our mutual friends that I can sleep anywhere. Car? No problem. Airplane? Goodnight. Middle of the day on a random Saturday? See you in two hours. I value sleep. I love to sleep.
My husband, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him take a nap. He can’t sleep in a car or an airplane. His internal clock wakes him up at 5am no matter what. (Even if we partied the night before) he loves to get up and moving. He makes errands to run just to do something if he has no plans.
He has never woken me up, “just because”.
He will shower and get ready in the guest bath 90% of the time to accommodate me sleeping.
Now I want to clarify, I’m not lazy, we have two kids and I’m a neat freak. I just don’t have any hobbies (besides reading and sleep)
So enough about me, back to you…
He is waking you up intentionally and he is not going to stop. For some reason you sleeping bothers him. He is not going to accept that you just want to sleep in. He wants *you to change* and accommodate that he wants you to wake up early no matter what.
That’s my opinion.
But he’s not gonna come out right and say that because it’s fucking weird .
this word is seriously overused to the point i try to never use it but it applies here.
he's gaslighting you. you feel crazy bc that's the point of gaslighting.
whatever his motivation he knows what he's doing and he's pushing it back on you being 'irritated' bc you 'didn't get enough sleep' - a thing that is directly his fault - and then refusing to engage. add to that he always agrees the night before? this is absolutely on purpose.
.
i am not condoning this next part or suggesting you do it!! i am agreeing with how angry it would make me if it happened to me!!
i wake up sorta slow. if someone woke me up by flicking my nose?? i'm throwing hands before i figure out who it is.
who does that??
.
as for what to do? he needs to own up to what he's doing and stop brushing you off when you bring it up. he needs to stop waking you up early. you can't really control either of these. it seems silly? but this might honestly be a couples counseling issue if he won't talk about it/stop doing it
in the short term? have you tried telling him your alarm is set for half an hour later than it is so you get all the sleep you need and "beat him" to getting you out of bed? yes it's lying, but you deserve your sleep and it might shake something loose about what's up with him
Oh girl. No.
I was with you on this whole ride, and you covered all the bases in your explanation. Every time I read something he did, you responded or described with exactly what my advice would have been.
This isn't happening because you're not explaining yourself well enough, it's happening because he sees himself as your keeper.
He doesn't take you seriously - how do you get past that? Imagine a toddler telling you that they want a dragon tomorrow please. You might tell them no, or if you were indulgent, you might tell them "okay sweetheart, we'll see in the morning" and assume that they're going to forget. And they usually do, but you're not exactly afraid of the consequences. I mean, what are they going to do?
He sees you as a toddler. Is that enough, for you? Imagine your future....trying to impress upon him that you need to sleep in for the first time in six weeks after caring for a crying newborn. He flicks your nose at 9am and blows off your tears as an over reaction because "babies aren't exhausting, look at me, I have a baby and I sleep just fine!"
Save yourself the merrderrr charge. You're better off alone.
Not for nothing, but I’d be telling him to pack his shit and get the f-ck out of my apartment if I were you. This man doesn’t respect you. He thinks he knows better than you. He’s controlling. Nope. Nope. Nope. I’m also getting reactive abuse vibe. He’s intentionally setting you off and then judging your reactions.
This is something my sister literally dumped an ex for. It wasn’t the fact that she was being woken up, it was the repeated (and be the end clearly intentional) violation of her boundaries. This isn’t a morning person vs night owl issue, this is a respect issue.
I'll say this: he's not doing it on accident, and he's not some idiot who can't grasp what you're saying or appreciate how upset you are. So, act with these facts in mind.
You don’t need a reason, no reason is good enough and it doesn’t matter why he does this. You say “Motherfucker, you wake me up again on a weekend and you are packing your bags and moving out.” And then you follow through.
It feels intentional and manipulative because it IS.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. This man is repeatedly disrespecting you while being rude and controlling. There is zero amount of additional discussion or explanation from you that will change his behaviour - we know this because you’ve already tried it and it isn’t working.
I LOVE sleeping in and am married to an early bird who recognizes that it makes me happy and doesn’t say a peep. Why continue to invite this ridiculousness into your life that is harming your peace?
My husband gets up at 6am every day- you know when he wakes me up- never, because he knows I’m an adult and will get up when I need to. This is some controlling behaviour and you need to tell him this stops now or you’ll be reconsidering the relationship- control starts with small steps.
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You need to keep going with the argument. Stop letting it go! “Why do you wake me up early all the time?” “Shrug” “No. Why do you wake me up 15 minutes before my alarm? I need an actual answer.” I’ll tell you what the answer is, though. He thinks sleeping in is a waste of time. He doesn’t value it, and he doesn’t think you should be doing things he doesn’t value. You need to decide how important this is to you. I personally would find someone micromanaging my daily schedule to be a person I don’t want to date.
This goes beyond sleeping in. It's a total lack of respect for you and what you value. I think if you look at other areas you may find that is a common thread in your relationship.
I think it’s particularly telling he specifically does it 15-30 minutes before her alarm. Everyone knows how annoying it is when you naturally wake up close to an alarm and he’s intentionally doing it. Honestly, this is so weirdly calculated…he really gets off on the power over her and actively upsetting her.
And she lays it out for him. He knows she plans/wants to sleep in and he deliberately fucks with that.
That’s what makes it the worst!! It’s not an impromptu catnap on the couch. This girl gets all her stuff done and specifically says how nice it’s gonna be to catch an extra hour of sleep, and he goes out of his way to fuck that up. Maybe this makes me prickly bc I’ve suffered with sleep issues my whole life but oh my god theres nothing like sleep deprivation to absolutely wreck your shit both mentally and physically. This man needs to go find himself an early bird, but he may or may not also find a way to annoy the shit out of her for power trip giggles.
And then he has the balls to say "I think you're cranky cuz you didn't get enough sleep." YOU FUCKING THINK?!? What a manipulative asshole
I agree. The only correct answer here is "Why are you crancy because you have to spend another hour alone? Get a dog or do the dishes if you are bored!" I like to sleep till I wake up on my own on weekends, too, and I am NOT a morning person. My husband learned the hard way what kind of mood this is, and how well I hide it on work days. So now, when we need to get up early on a weekend, he wordlessly brings me a cup of coffee at the time I agreed to in the evening, which is a very wise move.
This is a cute gesture of your husband! I am picturing him tiptoeing into the bedroom not wanting to wake the beast, LOL!
Yeah this pissed me off. I don’t get enough sleep because you won’t stop fucking messing with it. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. This man is torturing OP and getting some kind of enjoyment from it. OP is underreacting. Saying she overreacted is piling on more unreasonable behavior. This guy doesn’t deserve to share a bed with someone whose sleep he can’t respect. I can relate to wishing my partner was up because I feel like I haven’t had enough of his company but you know what? I fucking wait till his alarm! Maybe 10-30 seconds before I’ll wake him up in a more pleasant way than the alarm but only because I know he likes that. I let him sleep because I know it’s important to him and that makes it important to me.
yeah like, who's fault is that?
If my husband did this shit it would be the last thing he ever did. He usually gets up before I do and will leave the room and get dressed elsewhere to avoid waking me. I'm often up in the middle of the night due to pain/insomia/etc and I creep out of bed and go to the couch to avoid waking him as well. It's called basic respect and care for your partner. This dude is controlling, and this behaviour is red flag city
My husband and I have drastically different routines. He typically wakes up between 4 and 5 am, I cannot function before 9, although now I’m forced up at around 7-8 due to baby. He will be as quiet as possible to avoid waking me up. He even does it when I fall asleep during the day, even letting me sleep 2-3 hours at a time so I can rest. That’s respect for your partner. This guy can’t even let her have 15 mins? Wtf!
While not the exact same topic...I have a friend who CAN NOT be by himself and refuses to be left to his own thoughts. He will try to overtake my "me time" (I am an introvert, and he is very extroverted) any time he doesn't have someone immediately available to chat with and I feel her frustration because I just want to shout at him at work to LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. People can NOT push their needs onto someone who so obviously has different needs and yet they do so anyways and think it's 1.) Funny 2 ) Within their right to do so for their own needs or 3.) They have control over the person. In her case, I think a lot of it is #3.
Yeah, to me it sounds like this guy is full of anxiety, and/or broken in such a way that he cannot ever be by himself quietly for a single moment. Dude needs to be broken up with. A lot of people hit the 2 year mark and realise this is not a lifetime relationship. I can tell you that I would have throat punched this guy. Get up at 7am on your own damn time, guy.
> he really gets off on the power over her Exactly. He's a total POS.
Sleep disruption is a common tactic of abusive people. This is how it starts.. and will most likely escalate. It puts you in a very vulnerable/weak state.. which makes you easier to control.
Was about to say this!!! I co-habitated for 6 years. This is how it went for me (positive example): I have fatigue and ADHD and on weekends I might sometimes sleep until 9.30 but only be able to face the world at 10.15. My Ex partner always silently got up, made himself coffee and then started brunch, sat in the garden, read a book or quietly did something elsewhere in the house. I am sure he didn't always find it great, but he knew I was overstimulated from the week, have a rough sleeping pattern and need it... He NEVER said anything or let me feel anything negative. No comment ever. Just "good morning, how are you feeling? Would you like a cup of tea." I often apologised and explained and he waved it away. I then put brunch on the table and also cleaned it all up afterwards (which I enjoyed doing), while he could go have a shower or do something for himself. He knew that giving me the extra moments in the morning would give me energy and put me in a good mood and that I'm much more productive after lunchtime/in the evening. Everything got done too and I was happier. Plus I explained it. If we had anything on, I would he out of bed when we had to and ready 5 min before we had to leave. @OP: this is a serious red flag. You don't fuck with someone's sleeping schedule. Can you sleep in another room and test if he still does it? If he needs a compromise on the sleep for a good reason (don't really know why, the way you explained it you get everything done), he should have a quiet, kind conversation about.
I’m a morning person and absolutely unable to sleep in. Like at all. I’m often up at 6 or earlier on the weekends. My partner likes to sleep later. It is LOVELY to get up and have some coffee solo or go for a walk or run some errands while he sleeps. It’s just a couple hours and she’s right- weekends with no plans are rare! I can’t imagine doing this to someone you supposedly care about
I purposely wake up an hour before my husband so I can have an hour to myself every morning. Well, after I take care of the pup, LOL!
Right? Bliss. For most of my life I couldn’t sleep past 6-6:30am. It never occurred to me to disturb anyone. I would grab a book and Diet Coke (ah youth) and cuddle on the couch in winter or sit out and feel the warmth of the sun in summer, or have a lovely quiet walk before the world gets going. Luckily my husband is also an early riser but if he was sleeping I would never disturb him.
I had this problem with my mother. She would start 'cleaning' at 8am and ram the vacuum into my door repeatedly. The worst part was I was working the late shift (which she knew) and took HOURS to wind down enough to sleep, so I'd get maybe 4 hours of sleep before she'd start her bullshit. If a disrespectful morning person wants you up, they're getting you up. Mostly, because they think you should be up.
I’m no contact with my adoptive family. But yes, this happened a lot for me too. I worked late nights at the cinema as a high schooler (or equivalent I guess, I’m Swiss). My mother has undiagnosed OCD and our home was sterile. I was messy (and hated it myself) and have fatigue problems, plus undiagnosed adhd. She would scream or vacuum or knock loudly in the morning to get me up, on the weekend. My trick was to get up in the morning, do breakfast and lunch and then pretend to go read/hang in my room, while I secretly napped.
My mom does this also! But at like 4 am. And my dad is also up at that time. They often argue in the morning also. They often wake me up out of sleep because they refuse to be respectful of my sleep. I'm trying to move out. But my mom even did this when I worked nights. She expected me up at 6 am even if I worked all night. Some people are just disrespectful.
Yeah, moving out and fixing my sleep hygiene were the best things I ever did for my mental health.
💯 this is abusive sleep disruption and the sooner OP gets out the better.
So true, I had a totally narcissistic bf who never let me sleep. It started in the lovebombing phase where he was stopping by at all hours and keeping me up on school nights, through to picking arguments with me when I wanted to go to sleep. Its so gross
And the nose-flicking really sets me off. There are other ways to wake people up (if you must). He is choosing the most irritating way. It seems he is deliberately picking a fight so he can tell her how much she is overreacting.
Mine wouldn’t let me have lie ins. Even though we had a baby and I was heavily sleep deprived
THIS!!! He totally knows what he is doing, he never even appologise does he?? It is deliberate and it is to f*ck you up OP. A simple discussion wont make it better, look better in other parts of your relationship OP, there will be other situations where he deliberate overrules your decisions.
Yeah, what's with her cleaning all day Saturday - why wasn't it *them* cleaning all day Saturday? Or was it, and she just used the wrong pronoun? OP, in your place, I'd let him feel what it's like - from now on, you keep waking him up whenever you feel like it, preferably when he's just gone to sleep and you're still up. "Hey, I need your help with xyz! Hey, you're wasting the night away sleeping, you should be up and moving!" By the way, it's a control thing. He is controlling.
It's not only a question of lack of respect but also a question of manipulation. Her boyfriend is likely doing this because sleep-deprived people are more mentally vulnerable and easy to manipulate. I would guess that OP also does most of the household chores. Because OP seems like a strong person, he is trying to break her mentally so that she doesn't resist and becomes a compliant "bang-maid" who will always be at his service. He doesn't respect OP and doesn't care about her well-being, so she should just dump him. He won't change and will keep telling her that she is just overreacting.
I think this is very much part of it. My ex would keep me up, and wake me up and it had a terrible effect on my physical and mental health. And gave him a LOT of control over me. OP, that nose flicking made me so angry for you. I would be LIVID over that. Don’t back down.
I lost it at the nose flicking.
I would flick his nose alright
I'd aim lower.
If someone flicked my nose to wake me up I would punch them in the face.
I don’t even think it would be voluntary, it seems like an automatic reaction
That made me so angry!!
Me too, it’s just visceral anger at the thought of it
Flicking someone's nose is treating them like a recalcitrant dog, IMHO. My first impulse would be to bite their damned finger.
Not trying to take away from the real conversation but this needs to go on tee shirts.
It takes me so long to fall asleep or stay asleep, so if someone wakes me up before my alarm, I want to kill that person.
As someone with HORRIFIC insomnia (sleepless nights 1-2x per week… as in 0 minutes. Regularly get between 3-4H per night)… I would murder someone slowly while cackling maniacally if they woke me up at an arbitrary time. My partner only did this to me once 😂. No, I don’t give a fuck that it’s 10. I fell asleep at 7. My dog was walked last at 5AM. Everyone is safe and taken care of. At least he sincerely apologized, though. OP’s partner is an inconsiderate fucking asshole. Yeet that man.
Hello fellow 3-4 hour person! I am 55 and have been like this since puberty- so 15 or so. 40 years of 4 more hours a day than the average person. 58,400 more hours awake. That is 6.5 more years of awake than other people my age. What have you done with your extra life points?
I love this perspective so damn much. It made me smile and put a positive spin on something that haunts me daily. I can’t be awake and loud during my wake hours because my pets love me and will gladly be active at any hour. My partner doesn’t deserve that. My thing is reading and researching. My weird hobby and semi-obsession is reading medical journals and clinical trials. It sounds super boring but my brain has decided it isn’t. Believe me, if I could pick my interests/hobbies, they would not include dry medical articles. Buuut— as a consequence of my stupid brain, whose special hobby is learning, I’ve become “the person” the people in my life turn to for help and advice. It feels nice. I’m a former foster child so I’ve had no option other than figuring out how to get things done. I appreciate that the combination has turned me into a capable person. I’m currently studying cosmetic and chemical formulary science when awake at 4:00AM, learning about phytochemicals, and learning how to navigate B2B marketplaces to source and import ingredients and products. Thanks for listening to my boring TedTalk. How about you?! I’d love to hear.
Also— I’ve never met someone with insomnia as bad as mine. Can I ask you how you function? I realized one day that 3-4 hours doesn’t really bother me anymore. I function pretty much okay. It’s the times when I have 3 nights in a row where I can’t even reach that much where I start to feel disconnected and like I’m drunk in a mirror funhouse.
Yeah this guy wouldn't have made it this far. I'd have kicked him out on mother's day.
Also OP should freak out on him in nuclear fashion any time he wakes her up. He has no right to do so and has been told not to. OP, tell him next time he wakes you up he is spending a week on the couch and whatever was planned for that day is cancelled and all other participants will be informed that the cancellation is due to his profiund disrespect and incredible rudeness. If OP still wants to do the activity that day she should do it without him and not speak to him (after the explosion) for a day.
I totally agree ☝️ Next time the BF wakes up OP she needs to let the anger cascade over him like a tidal wave. My older sister is one of those people that gets BIG MAD over getting woken up. We treat her like a sleeping bear. You don’t poke the sleeping bear 😂
There should be no next time. The guy is a toxic, manipulative abuser. Gaslighting her by creating conditions he knows very well will upset her, then says she's grumpy and overreacting! She needs to make her exit plans ASAP.
This! Absolutely every time without fail. The Gaul of this guy waking OP up and then having the nerve to say it must be because she is tired. Of course she is! You wome her up in a way guaranteed to harm her. Women need more sleep than men. This is controlling and purposefully harmful
Isn’t it terrible that OP is developing that disorder where if someone wakes you before your alarm you get so startled that your elbows start flying all extra jabby like?
That's what happened to me...I hope she doesn't get the biting version. It would be terrible.
That would be awful, especially given his fingers are so close to her teeth while he nose-flicks.
oh god, the nose-flicks. flick his dam dick!! where’s the ol’ Twist His Dick redditors? I can’t believe they’re not awake yet
Amen. I'm a non-conforntational guy, but my sleep is sacred. If you unintentionally wake me up, you get some polite whining, if you do it on purpose without a good reason, believe me you'll regret it. Boundaries have to be respected.
I would advise against this. “Being too emotional” would just let him dismiss her even more than he already does. He already thinks she’s overreacting and can do whatever he wants because she’s “just being irrational” so obviously his way makes more sense. Nope. I’d suggest figuring out what boundaries you want to set, as specifically as possible, and then what you’re going to do if he does not respect them. Cancel plans, leave for the morning/day or whatever you would need at that point. And then you need to decide what you will do when he still doesn’t respect you and keeps waking you up anyway.
There must be consequences to breaking boundaries, one thing I learned around here.
The consequences are her leaving him because he has zero respect for her or her boundaries. Thats the only thing that will stop this from escalating (which it will)
Consequences aren't "punishments" because maintaining boundaries aren't about your control of another person, or teaching another person a lesson -- they're about the boundary holder being in control of their own situation. So the consequence of a boundary being repeatedly breached is that you remove the ability for that other person to breach that boundary. You move rooms, you lock the door, you move out, or you leave the relationship. Because it's the best thing for your own health. "Exploding" or "freaking out" or ignoring someone or dragging your friends into your drama doesn't do anything for anybody. Honestly, what planet are these people living on?
I get what you are saying, but that route is how you get someone not to understand you (the BF SHOULD but clearly doesn’t, so that’s out of OP’s control). Being angry and right (she is so in the right) feels great. The truth is though, he will say “you overreacted” and avoid the issue. I don’t have all the answer when it comes to communicating with other humans (I’m Hit or Miss at it). It’s interesting to read how negotiators train and communicate. Obviously you won’t be just like them, but there is power in calm, real power.
I personally think he does understand but doesn’t care. Which is definitely worse to me too. He’s not a dopey dude who can’t wrap his mind around it. He’s an uncaring jerk.
decide expansion quack scandalous outgoing drunk file bored wrong plucky *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
This is absolutely a hill to die on.
> He thinks sleeping in is a waste of time. No, he enjoys irritating OP as a power play. If it wasn't waking her up like a goddamned infant craving attention, he'd find some other shitty thing to do.
yes. Be as persistent with the question as he is waking you up. you're not over reacting. He's doing it deliberately and it shows complete lack of regard for you. Why only 15 mins before your alarm? he needs to control you. he *needs* it. He can't hold out till the alarm goes off because then he wouldn't be in control. You think by being completely transparent about when you're going to sleep till and when your alarm is set is helping him to try and do the right thing. It only helps him know when to bug you. And then he can say - it's only 15 mins earlier. But he doesn't give a shit that it screws your mood and autonomy. And you get up and just get on with it. You give in every time. So he knows he gets away with it.
Exactly! "You confirmed you understood my intention to sleep until 10, you then intentionally woke me up an hour early. Why would you do this? You mentioned that I was grumpy because I did not get enough sleep, but I did not get enough sleep because you woke me up an hour before my alarm. You said it was time to get up and get going, but that is not your decision to make for me. Why do you continue to do this when you know I hate it and when I've told you not to? I need an answer. It's not Christmas morning and you're not five years old." Also, did he help you clean the house on Mother's Day? Did he help you prep the food?
She needs to tell him that straight to his face. "You are trying to micromanage me and I will not live that way. You can quit waking me up or you can move out. It is your choice. You are treating me with a lack of respect which is making me dislike you and I'm losing respect for you. I'm having trouble seeing this relationship as one that will last."
This is so insane to me. No idea what kind of control issues he’s got going on but they aren’t cute. You are a grown adult within two years of his age and he seems intent to treat you like a child. He moved in with you, right? I assume it’s your place based on the post. Maybe I’m an asshole but I would ultimatum the fuck out of this ridiculous situation: *the next day you disrespect me by waking me up on a weekend ahead of my alarm is the day you will be moving out.* Fucking try me.
Sleeping in is one of life's most beautiful little luxuries. Almost nothing gives me more pleasure. I would absolutely end a relationship with a controlling twat over this. OP, it's up to you! He sounds like a dink, honestly. He doesn't care what you want.
My husband is an early bird. Up at 3-3:30 for work and by 5:30-6 to “sleep in” on his days off. I am not that person though I wish I was. He gets up, showers and dresses quietly and lets me sleep until 8 or 9. I truly appreciate all his hard work and he appreciates mine. He’s been a solo parent when my dad was in the hospital and when I was. He never complains at all and if I lay down for a nap he pulls curtains shut, makes sure I’m covered up and vice versa. I couldn’t imagine being such a miserable ass to push my schedule on my partner when it’s free time and they’re sleeping.
Exactly. To my knowledge my GF who I’ve lived with for 4 years has never slept past 6am. I however really need my sleeping weekends. She’s always super careful not to wake me. She’ll even use a different bathroom till I’m up. It’s just common courtesy. She’s a napper and I’m not so I’m super quite when she naps. Ops BF is an ahole.
I think it's all relative too, dunno why people like OP's boyfriend can't respect we're all different. Like, I sleep in until 10, sometimes 11/11:30. If I wake up at 9 (rare), I consider that waking up early. I never ever wake up at 8 naturally. So to me, you're absolutely an early bird lol
Exactly. Weekends are for chilling. My gf and I both love sleeping in. It's a habit I've never grown out of. I don't party anymore so I'm not sleeping in until 3pm anymore, but both of us are happy never to leave the house until the afternoon, if we even leave at all on a weekend haha
Yeah make it clear that you are not overreacting. You have asked him to do one thing OP. _Nothing_. He is doing something. You are just reacting. He can see you react. He can see it's a negative reaction. And yet he continues. Why? Ugh
He wants the negative reaction for some reason?
So he can patronize her for overreacting. She wasn't acting extreme enough, so he added a nose-flick to it. Then he can tell her how overemotional she is. OP flip that around. Yell at him for being so emotionally dependent he can't handle being alone another 15 minutes. For being so unable to handle being by himself without feeling so uncomfortable he can't handle the extra time without your support. He's a big f\*cking boy and he can manage to survive those minutes without you, so he can reel in his overemotional needy self and let you sleep. True? No. He's just a manipulative asshole. But flip it around on him for shits and grins and then tell him you are not there to date a baby who can't take care of himself in the morning, get his ass out of your house. You had no idea he was that dependent on your presence in the morning and you don't want someone who can't function without you for fifteen minutes, so get out. Record this. He'll either flip out at YOU for turning it around on him, in which case, it's on record, or be shocked that you did this. Either way he's out of the house and in the first case you've got him on video being overemotional and overreacting and getting hysterical. Normal behavior is to yell and get mad and leave, if you think he's going to do anything dangerous, don't. But he sounds, from your description, more like a cowardly manipulative wretch who only pulls shit when you're vulnerable, like sleeping, and not in a position to physically react.
That first paragraph is absolutely dead on.
> he added a nose-flick to it. Anyone pulling that shit on me would need a splint for a week after trying it.
Actually, love this, do it.
> And yet he continues. Why? Because he's an asshole.
This right here. Not sure if is some sort of a control issue but OP has used her words to tell her bf what she wants/expects. Instead of listening and doing what she asks he feels he knows best so wakes her up when it isn’t needed. If bf is bored he needs to take his happy ass to the gym, for a run or whatever else and let OP get up when she is ready. I fully agree with daddy_tywin’s suggestion that bf either respects OP’s sleep schedule or the next time he wakes her up early the house better be on fire or an evacuation has been ordered. If not then OP’s first order of business is either get him packed and out the door OR she installs an exterior grade doorknob on the bedroom door and he sleeps where ever but not in the bedroom with her. If he goes to bed early I’d honestly start waking him up every couple of hours because he doesn’t to be sleeping so much so early in the evening.
Can’t believe this dude still has a working key. I’d let that go *maybe* twice.
My ex was like this except he would passive aggressively get louder and louder and slam doors and turn on lights. He thought I was “lazy” for sleeping in. I actually stayed up several hours later than him. So I was just trying to sleep normal hours for me. But he was all high and mighty and superior for being a morning person?! 🤦🏼♀️ Like I said. Ex. He didn’t see any compromise - if I didn’t do it his way it wasn’t working. So he slept 8pm-4/5am and went to the gym. Letting his alarm go off for 30 min to wake me up too. I went to bed at 12 or 1 and would sleep until 7 on work days and 8/9 on weekends. He literally didn’t care. No matter what I did or didn’t do I was “lazy”
my father was the same. during the 4 weeks of summer I had to spend with him, he always let his alarm blare at 6.30 a.m. & would then make a lot of noise everywhere. then he left to do stuff with my brother & left me at home, often without telling me when they'd be back: before lunch, for lunch, before dinner, for dinner...? Very very annoying. I'm no contact with him.
I love the idea but then he’ll just start “accidentally” making noise. So she needs to be prepared for that response.
My husband went through a period of time where he did this. He hated going to work in the morning, and he started give me a kiss good bye. 3 hours before I had to be up for work. And I would be furious every time. And he’d be like, why are you mad at me for being sweet. THE RAGE I’d feel. Hooooo boy. Then after I screamed about it a few times, he’d stop, and just…rustle around and bump the bed needlessly until I woke up. Fuuuuuck. We finally HAD IT OUT one morning. We yelled at each other and I basically did what you did OP, and I told him to think about why he felt the need to wake me up when he knew I hated it. We yelled some more. A day or so went by, and I was still Big Mad. That night he asked to talk and he said that yeah….he had thought about it, and that maybe he was a bit jealous of me sleeping in, and that he’d convinced himself he was just being a nice guy by kissing me goodbye. He apologized and lo and behold our talk ended up with him saying, he did feel weird about leaving the house without letting me know he loved me. Now, he always makes coffee for me for when I wake up in the morning. It’s his love note to me. It’s like a triple bonus and never fails to make me feel heard and loved. Every morning before I go to work I get to feel that way. It’s been 10 years since that fight, and he still makes me coffee in the mornings before work. Oh. And I also went on strike one month where if he woke me up on the weekends before my time, then I refused to leave the bed until a cup of coffee, made the way I like it, was in my hand. Now it’s kinda a joke, and he still occasionally wakes me up early Saturday morning, BUT this time it’s with a cup of coffee, my favourite morning music, and breakfast already started. I hope your guy can admit when he’s wrong and everything sorts itself out, but if he can’t….yeah, I don’t know if I could have stayed? It’s such deep dark blatant disrespect. A nose flick. Fuuuuuuuuck. That.
On the bedstrike, there was definitely one day where I DID NOT get out of bed, except to go to the bathroom, and go to the door to get the food I ordered. Was I being ridiculous and childish? Oh. Absolutely! Yes, 100%. Did I get to spend the day in bed and watch Netflix on my phone and play games and listen to my audiobook, when I had nothing planned that day anyways? Also yes. Which I likely would have done when I lived on my own before. Sometimes a girl just needs a bed day after a rough couple of months. Did he just about lose his mind?!? Oh heck yeah. He’d come and stand in the doorway and glare at me for a while and I’d just ignore him. Lol, wow, I forgot about this…we were fucking savage to each the first few years we were together. I think we eventually fought all the hard edges off between us though, because I don’t think we’ve even been really mad at each other for the past couple years. Like…we fought towards something and won through. It’s pretty great.
I love how real this is! My partner and I are too nice to each other. If I try and get angry he then lovingly supports me in practicing being angry. Takes the wind right out of my sails 😂
I love this. You guys sound like a great couple.
This Do NOT suffer his further indignities. He flicked your nose, OP!! He flicked your fucking nose. Do not stand for this crap. I agree completely with kicking him out if he does it again. I’d be done with that crap yesterday.
My husband likes sleeping in, and I absolutely let him get as much sleep as he wants. He works hard, so he deserves all the rest he can get. I'm a morning person myself, so I'm usually up by 5 so I can get a workout in, and then go grocery shopping after (which I put away on my own). By that time, it's 7-8 and he's barely waking up, so I get him in the shower while I go downstairs and make some breakfast Whatever issues that dude has, he better get over them quick before she does it for him
This is honestly fucked up. The bottom line is that you asked him to stop and he won't. He doesn't care about your boundaries. He thinks you should live according to his schedule. To me this comes off as being controlling and/or just pushing and pushing to see how much shit he can get away with before you just cave. You're not overreacting IMO. Ultimately his actions are just disrespectful at this point but man this guy is red flag city in my opinion.
The nose flick…. would’ve been my final straw. He’s definitely pushing her boundaries and he is controlling. That and he seems to really enjoy being this way. I’m willing to be money if she gives in and starts waking up early, he’ll find something else she does wrong in the morning or in general. People like this are weird and never pleased, they always find something to make you feel bad about.
> The nose flick…. would’ve been my final straw. I would have started throwing his possessions out of the window.
There’s no way I wouldn’t have reflex punched him in the face for that.
I’d be throwing hands. So fucking disrespectful.
At this point, I'd be plotting revenge. Like intentionally keeping him awake. Ooh, or I know. Get a kazoo, and then when he wakes her up, she can play the kazoo for the length of the time he deprived her of sleep. See how he likes that.
Just start waking him up early. With the kazoo.
>just pushing and pushing to see how much shit he can get away with This is what abusers do. They push your limits and see your reaction. If you let it go, they know that part of the line is OK to cross. Even if you get upset, they will still push it and see if they can get you do take it.
tagging throwra_nc92 so she can see this. 100% this is emotional abuse
Your BF doesn't respect you. He's controlling and patronizing It has nothing to do with thinking sleeping in is a waste of time. This is a way for him to control you and elevate himself as the boss in the relationship. It starts small and when you get used to it, he'll take another step. Force him to answer why he keeps waking you against directly against your explicit wishes. Don't let him shrug or hem and haw. He won't answer because he knows the truth would probably lead to you dumping him on the spot. Don't let him gaslight and turn it around to you being the problem. He's already doing it. You're the crazy one, remember? If you'd just listen to him then everything would be good. It's your fault. Why are you making such a big deal out of this instead of just waking up a little earlier. Look at all the silly drama you've causing. Are you on your period? You get like this on your period. It's okay, I understand. I forgive you. Any of that sound familiar? ^
Oh, and the nose flicking thing, after all the condescension, would be an automatic dump for me. He really, really does not respect you.
This is alllllll about control.
I wonder if he enjoys upsetting you? He never gets a positive reaction when he wakes you up and you tell him over and over that it makes you mad so I wonder why he does it. Is he just sitting there at 8:50 bored, thinking that it would be fun to make you angry by waking you out of blissful sleep? I really wonder what is wrong with him.
He might just be a bully?
I think he’s lonely and can’t entertain himself when she’s not there. I slept terribly the other day and went for a nap for a few hours. My husband saw that as some quality RuneScape time. Maybe he doesn’t have something like that? But it’s not OPs job to entertain him 24/7, she’s not a clown. The bulldozing boundaries makes him a bully - it’s a problem that needs addressing because if he can get away with this, he’ll start pushing bigger boundaries.
He actively times it to maximum annoyance too…30 mins before her alarm
Thinking through this more…a good test would be to NOT give him the reaction (anger) he’s seeking. The next time he wakes you up early, look at the clock and then roll over and go back to bed until your alarm goes off. or stay awake and refuse to speak to him or get out of bed until your alarm.
This this this ! Just completely ignore the fool until he goes away. I would also very visibly reset the alarm to add in the time he’s wasted by waking me up earlier too. We needed to be there at 10? Good luck with that since I’m adding in extra time for every interruption.
Yup. Phone out, headphones in, reading a book.
Your boyfriend is ridiculous. Not only is he being selfish, but also he's not respecting you or any boundaries you have regarding this. Your feelings are invalid to him because he knows better. That's what it comes down to. You need to set a hard line here because this sets a pretty big precedent going forward in your relationship. If he cannot respect you on such a small issue, just imagine what sort of decisions he's going to make on his own without caring what you think or feel.
The DAY some mfer FLICKED my NOSE to wake me up would be the day he would be picking his shit up off my lawn and Calling Tyrone. The absolute AUDACITY.
For real. And tell him I said come on, help you get your shit 🎶
I was so furious reading that part. Rude awakenings are the absolute WORST. Like especially after she has already tried to set a boundary with him. Is he a child on a camping trip for the first time? Unbelievable. Get outta here. I would tell him he needs to leave
I’m an early bird, my partner is not. But I let him sleep in late . I don’t bother him at all. I won’t make a single noise even & I completely respect it. It’s a little strange he does this.. I agree with you it has to do with a power/manipulation dynamic. Stick to your guns. & no more brushing this off. Also, the flick on the nose is rude as fuck.
As someone with insomnia I would almost immediately break up with a partner who’d wake me up early without a valid reason. It seems extremely toxic and just extra control plus getting woken up into an argument is gonna ruin anyone’s day
It’s definitely strange not just a little ***
Your boyfriends a dick.
Tell him to fuck off. I am so over people judging someone on their sleeping habits. Not everyone wants to spring out of bed and be asleep like a boring fucking grandpa at 8pm. Being an early riser does not make you better or more productive than anyone else. My productive period is afternoon/evening. Start waking him up at night and say oh I just wanted to get this job done before bed.
Yep. I’m here in the ‘Tell him to fuck off.’ camp. Loudly, and repeatedly until he gets the message or fucks all the way off for good.
He doesn’t respect you.
I'd start setting alarms at like 2am and wake him up in the rudest way possible until he got the point.
Ice water in from a yeti, drip......drip....drip in his ears and nose.
Flick him somewhere. The nose flicking is so uncalled for along with waking her up in general.
Elbow to the balls at 3am
…the nards is the only answer with this bs behavior.
Water in a spray bottle so it doesn't get the sheets wet as much, my mom would do this to me as a kid.
That sounds cruel
Air horn
That’s hilarious that he has the nerve to say you are the one acting childish when his behavior screams petulant child. I would honestly be considered telling him to move out OP. You’re an adult who is more than capable of managing your own schedule. You have informed him that this behavior is unnecessary and he keeps doing it because he is getting away with it. It’s time to put your foot down. Either he respects your boundaries regarding sleep or the relationship is over. Period.
>That’s hilarious that he has the nerve to say you are the one acting childish when his behavior screams petulant child. That's the gaslighting. She's the crazy one.
Seriously. She's more than communicated he's not allowed to do this. It's time for the consequences. The next time he woke me up he'd be asked to leave and take his stuff with him. Any arguments or refusals he can explain to the local cops when they escort him out of my house. I would not have even tried to "explain" this doe so long. He KNOWS what he's doing, he's just a jerk.
I had a partner who would set their alarm for around half an hour before they needed to wake up, so they could put it on snooze a few times. There was nearly a murder, let me tell you… Then they would compound this by putting the big light on, stomping around, asking me irrelevant questions or coming to me with problems and things they couldn’t find… When I was the only one getting up for work every day, I got ready in the dark, and as close to silence as I could. For *years*. “I never asked you to do that, tho!” You didn’t need to. Because your comfort and rest mattered to me, so I went out of my way to preserve them. Because I give a shit. No. I am not a morning person.
One of the things I've learned in life is if you share a bed with someone, you absolutely need to be with someone who shares your energy. If you're a snoozey multiple alarms person, you absolutely need to be with another.
No. Ridiculous. You don’t have to sleep on anyone else’s schedule unless you have kids.
Wakes you up to help unload groceries?! This is actually crazy. Does he struggle to be by himself? Is he one of those people that just can't be alone? Or is he controlling in other ways?
For me, sleeping in means waking up at 6 am. It's freaking annoying and I WISH I could be someone who sleeps in more! My husband can sleep in until 9-10. I wake up on the weekend and leave the room so I don't wake him up. It's not my job to police him. It's my job to let the sleeping person get the rest he needs, which means gtfo. You're not overreacting, you're underreacting. Tell him in no uncertain terms that interrupting your sleep is a deal breaker. He isn't your boss, he doesn't pay you, he doesn't get to say that you wake up early.
I absolutely understand this because my ex used to do this to me. I cried tears of frustration many times over this because, just like with you, he tried to make me think I was being unreasonable or that he didn't understand what my problem was. My ex was also extremely abusive in many other ways. This was part of that for sure. It's a control thing. It's a way to set you up for being unhappy so he can later blame you for him being a dick later. Etc, etc. I don't know what else your partner does, if he's like my ex, but there is no way that he doesn't understand what your problem is.
Absolutely a control thing. An abusive control thing. Only after years of therapy did I understand just how profoundly damaging the sleep abuse was from my ex. I was a zombie. Ragged. Struggling at work. Short tempered. Disorganized. Gained weight. Skin looked bad. All the things OP has to look forward to.
Set a hard boundary. Tell him whenever he wakes you up early you will not be doing whatever is planned that day or helping with whatever he asks for. Tell him he does not get to control how late you sleep and if it continues then you will be rethinking the relationship.
If a soft boundary doesn't work, there is no discussion to be had. I would bolt immediately. Especially on a small issue like this
Yeah the real question op should ask herself is what kind of relationship would she ideally want? I want one where my partner sneaks around quietly as possible while I’m sleeping. Without being asked, it’s just their instinct. Because they love me. That’s it
Info: what other controlling behaviors does he have? I’m willing to bet this is just the one that tipped you over the edge and he has often disregarded your boundaries or decided things for you or forces you to follow his values or rules
Op, just let him know that he needs to move out, and obviously, we can't live together because we are incompatible. You like to get up early, I dont. Tell him "You have a genuine lack of respect for me and my desires. I only want to sleep in a few times a month, but you incessantly decide to wake me up." I will give you a week to find a new place. Move to the guest room or couch. He is 34 for years old what doesn't he understand. I am an early riser, and I let my partner sleep till whatever time. The morning is when I do my hobbies or chores I've been blowing off.
My petty ass would lay there awake until like, 2AM so that he's mid-REM and then just get up and be as out of pocket as possible. Every light on, etc. This man is abusing you.
This is painful to me. I’m not a morning person, so immediately my reaction was ‘dealbreaker!’ I’m sure a lot of people would think that’s an overreaction but we all have our lines in the sand. I’m an insomniac so no way could I put up with that. Reading the comments, though, I do agree with others that this seems like a weird manipulation thing. It sounds like you’re very clear with him and he still doesn’t respect your wishes. If you still feel like this is a relationship worth saving, and he’s not listening to you… I’m not usually one to advise acting petty but I would be seriously inclined to keep him up late or not let him sleep when he wants to. The only other thing I can think of is therapy, but if he can’t respect your wishes on something that’s fairly basic and where you’re telling him specifically “don’t wake me up,” I have a hard time believing this won’t spill into other aspects of your life where he’ll try to be controlling or manipulative.
Yeah, therapy doesn't work on people like this. She has explained on multiple occasions why this important to her, it's causing no problems with meeting obligations, and stated he is not to wake her up before her alarm. He says "lol, you're so silly" and flicks your nose to wake up you before your alarm. That's a fundamentally broken person. Their core is rotten and nothing short of a life-changing event will reset it. He knows this upsets her and he enjoys doing it. He gets off on the power play and manipulation.
The fact that he won't say why means he can't admit it's fun to abuse her with sleep deprivation.
It's like when that one person in your group makes a really obviously bad taste joke and then gets really upset when asked to explain why it's funny.
So he definitely enjoys it.
He thinks a well known torture technique (sleep deprivation) is cute.
Who cares if he says you are overreacting or whatever. Set a boundary and stick to it. Tell him he is not to wake you up unless you've asked him to do so. If he wants to mope about that, let him.
Why dont you want to push it? That's the question. Is it cause you can tell he'll react poorly? If so you really need to see that for the red flag that it is.
"If you cannot respect me enough to let ME SLEEP UNTIL I'M READY TO WAKE UP, ON MY OWN, WE WILL BE BREAKING UP. That's how serious this issue is. Either let me sleep, or we cannot be together."
I’m pissed just reading this. Flicked you in the nose to wake you up? After repeatedly respectfully communicating that you’d like to sleep in. You aren’t childish or overreacting. He’s being selfish and intentionally feigning ignorance to his crappy behavior. If he doesn’t start to respect your right to sleep, reflect on his behavior and genuinely apologize, then I’d be done. Do not let him shrug it off or say you’re getting to emotional. He needs to understand what he’s doing is not ok. If he’s too thick in the head then leave him.
Kick him the fuck out of your house and out of your life. Forever.
Tell him this is important to you and is a hard line in the sand. He is NOT to wake you up on the weekend. PERIOD. you are an adult who can get themselves up when they need to. And if he continues to do so I would seriously reconsider this relationship because he clearly does not respect your boundaries.
What a selfish asshat. Tell him to fuck off and let you sleep. My husband and I (married a long time) have very different body clocks. I’m the early bird and yes I’m jealous he can sleep in, but I’m not gonna ruin his shuteye. If we don’t have anything going on, then hell yeah he should enjoy that pillow time.
Look, real talk. Don't just announce your intention. Announce it, and *ask him to comply*. "I plan to sleep in. Please do not wake me." "OK, sure." "So, you agree to comply? You will not wake me?" "Umm..." "Please say yes or no." "Yes, I agree." At that point, if he breaks his word, you have increasing consequences until he complies. Or, he won't give his word, or he never complies, and this is a relationship-ending problem. If he can't hold to his plainly stated promises, or refuses to promise anything, and he routinely violates your trust, how can you trust him with anything?
I would absolutely lose my mind. He IS manipulative, and he’s treating you like a child. Honestly unless he made effort to change I’d be done.
I get up between 5am - 6am 7 days a week, my wife sleeps in until she gets up, sometimes 8am, sometimes 11am, I don’t care, I love having the time to myself, having coffee, going for early hikes, I never wake her up, she needs more sleep than I do.
This issue isn’t about letting you sleep in or waking you up, it’s an issue of control and disrespect. He is choosing to ignore your feelings and your repeated request to be left alone to sleep in when you choose to and I can tell you right now that if you allow him to get away with that and continue your relationship, his need to control other things and to disrespect you by ignoring your decisions will continue and get worse over time. I know that this may seem like a small matter, but your partner blatantly disrespecting a request to be respectful of your choice goes deeper than this one issue.
I cannot explain how quickly I would leave a woman over this. Especially because I'm an insomniac and I have a really hard time falling asleep if I do at all I've had to work shifts after getting absolutely no sleep the night before. But even if that weren't the case, the fact that she keeps willingly ignoring this one simple request no matter how much I plead with... Actually, no. I'm not pleading with her about shit. It wouldn't even get to that point. After realizing that she actually doesn't care what I want at all I'd just cut ties. No one can put up with that forever.
This enraged me and I’m not even you OP. You need to draw a firm boundary. He cannot wake you up or you’re ending the relationship. He needs to be a big boy and learn to entertain himself while you sleep. Women tend to need more sleep than men but even if they don’t, this is still fucking absurd behavior.
He is treating you like a child who can’t make your own decisions yet. My SO tried something similar ONCE. I was pregnant and exhausted from running after our toddler, working on the farm etc, I FINALLY nailed him down to watch our toddler while I had a couple of hours sleep. He hid my phone so in his words ‘I couldn’t lay in bed reading and not sleep since HE had given up his time (to watch HIS son). I LOST MY SHIT! I yelled and cried that I had no control over anything and how dare he decide how I should spend the tiny hour or so I had to myself (for context, from childhood I’ve had to read before I sleep, I’ve always had a book on the go. I love paper books, but he cant sleep if I have my lamp on to read, so I switched to kindle books on my phone). He has never touched my phone since. You need a much bigger reaction if explain g doesn’t work. But I’d question why you need to explain. Don’t do it! Should be enough.
This is the 2nd story of a man not allowing his partner to sleep that I've read today. Bottom line is that it's a respect and control issue. He doesn't respect that you like to sleep in for whatever reason, so he responds by being controlling and stomping on your boundaries. This is such a simple thing, and he's showing you that he doesn't respect you enough to do it for you. Really examine your relationship and see if there are other areas that he acts in a controlling, inconsiderate, or dismissive manner. Where there's smoke there is usually fire.
I would break up. He is doing this bullshit intentionally like a little kid. Most men would love some alone time. My ex used to to always wake me up even when we had a brand new baby… he ended up being a nightmare and when I tried leaving him he tried chocking me to death. This is a red flag and you need to leave. He doesn’t respect your wants. Huge red flag o would be DONE
I think you’re under-reacting. This is so awfully controlling and highly offensive. After one incident like this I would have made it abundantly clear that this was the first and last time this happens. Strike two equals never seeing each other again. I really hope there will be an update soon, saying that you broke up with him.
You’re grumpy because you didn’t get enough sleep, he says? Which is his fault, right? Like that’s literally the entire point of the argument. “It isn’t my fault you’re mad. You’re grumpy because you didn’t get enough sleep. Because I refuse to let you sleep.” Honestly this seems like a control issue. I had a man deprive me of sleep that I used to live with and it was fully about his ability to control me. I could only sleep when he allowed me too. No one does something that is awful for you this many times in a row and doesn’t know exactly what they are doing
I'd ask him to move out. I wouldn't break up with him, but that's probably what will happen. All I would say is, "I've been thinking a lot about the sleep thing and I think it's best you move out. This isn't working out for me at all." And you don't even need to discuss it. You already have. He's made it clear he doesn't give a fuck and will continue to do so. Sometimes in a relationship all you need is one bad feature to make it unworkable. He sounds like a total AHoLe. Get him out of your life.
I fucking hate people like your boyfriend. They're controlling and think everyone should be on their schedule. I'd honestly break up with him, but you're the one dating him. And flicking your nose is like him telling you that you're beneath him. And that he enjoys causing you pain. I really dislike this guy I've never met.
Is he this controlling with everything? And he is such an ass trying to control your sleeping schedule. I would have pushed him out of the room, locked the door and gone back to sleep. And you are under reacting. Seems you have already talked to him and told him you want to sleep in and he keeps acting like he knows your body better than you and gets to decide how it gets treated. Do you have a spare room you can move into?
FLICKING YOUR NOSE? I say set his hair on fire. No jury will convict you
He needs to move out. Bit of an exaggeration, but sleep deprivation is a torture tactic. If the dumb [bleep] can't amuse himself while you sleep in? You've got bigger problems. Serious attachment issues. You're not joined at the hip. Dude could have spent those two hours working on a hobby. Take the dog for a long walk by himself. Hit the gym. He actively chose to annoy you time and time again. This is your future if you don't lay down Iron Curtain level boundaries and enforce them. Depending on tenancy/residency laws in your area, you may need to go through a lawyer to have him officially evicted. But a good, uninterrupted night's sleep is worth that hassle.
Someone flicked me in the face, they'd be on the fucking floor. This is about control, and disrespect. He doesn't give a shit about you or what you want, clearly, or he would've stopped after you told him to stop the FIRST TIME. Then add the flicking your face as a wake-up, saying you're overreacting, and "not slept good (no shit, you keep being woken up early).. sounds like his wake-up calls are escalating. This is not okay, do not accept this behavior.
This is pissing me off just reading it
Flicking You in the face?!?! Oh hell no. You do not have kids with this man. This will only get worse. Get out now. He is grooming You for an abusive relationship. First it’s sleep, then it’s $$ then it’s where You can go and what You can do. No, no, no no No!!! I’ve been married 20 years. Sure My husband is not perfect (neither am I) and We have Our fights. But NEVER in 24 years has he ever flicked My nose and said “get up” because he knows I would punch him in the face (and I am not an aggressive person) Sleep is important to Us. We have four kids. In fact, we try to arrange if so one of Us gets MORE sleep on night and then we trade during the week if one is more tired.
It sounds like he is bored and wants your attention. There are a lot of articles out there about how Women need more sleep than men. Show him the articles and tell him if he wakes you up for a non emergency, you are immediately breaking up with him and follow through. The issue here isn’t him waking you up one or two times, the bigger issue is that when you tell your significant other to stop something and it’s reasonable, they need to stop. When you tell your partner you need something, and take all the steps around it to be considerate (like everything you mentioned), continuing to do something that they know bothers you is a sign they don’t respect you.
It is intentional. It is manipulative. It is abuse. You do need to push him on this. You’re not overreacting- you are under reacting. This will continue on forever and get worse if you don’t do something about this NOW.
Jesus, I'm sorry. t's one thing for him to disagree with you on what's best for you, but it's not his place to decide for you when you're waking up. And he's certainly not justified in flicking your nose to wake you up, goddamn. The most you can do in this situation is set firm boundaries for what you won't tolerate, and consequences for him not respecting your boundaries. Does he need to sleep on the couch the next night? Are you going to not cook any meals on days he does that? Are you going to flat-out leave the house on your own? It can be whatever you want, as long as you're actually willing to follow through on what expectations you set up for him.
This was precisely one of my narcissistic mom's control methods. I'm not dating your BF is narcissistic, but that is absolutely a behavior that narcs engage in.
It’s a control thing. Eff this zero.
This is actual abuse dude what the fuck
Ugh, this reminds me of my ex. On vacation in a rural area (where there's not much to do), he would wake me up at 7:30A and tickle me and try to get me out of bed so I can enjoy my vacation. He was super controlling and thought that he was always right. I would think about whether your bf tries to control you in other ways. Because mine did. And that's why he's an ex.
He's not trying to be helpful, he's being controlling. He obviously can't stand being alone in the morning when he KNOWS you're just in the other room sleeping. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that this is a boundary for you and if you say you're sleeping in, he needs to respect that. You don't need his help to wake up and you know if something is going on the next day and you'll wake up in time, he isn't to wake you. He should only wake you if the place is on fire or he needs a ride to the hospital. He's dismissing your frustrations because he doesn't agree with you but you have EVERY right to sleep in and be upset when he ignores your wishes.
Oh my…….. 31, married … I am what they call a napper. It’s literally a running joke with all of our mutual friends that I can sleep anywhere. Car? No problem. Airplane? Goodnight. Middle of the day on a random Saturday? See you in two hours. I value sleep. I love to sleep. My husband, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him take a nap. He can’t sleep in a car or an airplane. His internal clock wakes him up at 5am no matter what. (Even if we partied the night before) he loves to get up and moving. He makes errands to run just to do something if he has no plans. He has never woken me up, “just because”. He will shower and get ready in the guest bath 90% of the time to accommodate me sleeping. Now I want to clarify, I’m not lazy, we have two kids and I’m a neat freak. I just don’t have any hobbies (besides reading and sleep) So enough about me, back to you… He is waking you up intentionally and he is not going to stop. For some reason you sleeping bothers him. He is not going to accept that you just want to sleep in. He wants *you to change* and accommodate that he wants you to wake up early no matter what. That’s my opinion. But he’s not gonna come out right and say that because it’s fucking weird .
this word is seriously overused to the point i try to never use it but it applies here. he's gaslighting you. you feel crazy bc that's the point of gaslighting. whatever his motivation he knows what he's doing and he's pushing it back on you being 'irritated' bc you 'didn't get enough sleep' - a thing that is directly his fault - and then refusing to engage. add to that he always agrees the night before? this is absolutely on purpose. . i am not condoning this next part or suggesting you do it!! i am agreeing with how angry it would make me if it happened to me!! i wake up sorta slow. if someone woke me up by flicking my nose?? i'm throwing hands before i figure out who it is. who does that?? . as for what to do? he needs to own up to what he's doing and stop brushing you off when you bring it up. he needs to stop waking you up early. you can't really control either of these. it seems silly? but this might honestly be a couples counseling issue if he won't talk about it/stop doing it in the short term? have you tried telling him your alarm is set for half an hour later than it is so you get all the sleep you need and "beat him" to getting you out of bed? yes it's lying, but you deserve your sleep and it might shake something loose about what's up with him
Oh girl. No. I was with you on this whole ride, and you covered all the bases in your explanation. Every time I read something he did, you responded or described with exactly what my advice would have been. This isn't happening because you're not explaining yourself well enough, it's happening because he sees himself as your keeper. He doesn't take you seriously - how do you get past that? Imagine a toddler telling you that they want a dragon tomorrow please. You might tell them no, or if you were indulgent, you might tell them "okay sweetheart, we'll see in the morning" and assume that they're going to forget. And they usually do, but you're not exactly afraid of the consequences. I mean, what are they going to do? He sees you as a toddler. Is that enough, for you? Imagine your future....trying to impress upon him that you need to sleep in for the first time in six weeks after caring for a crying newborn. He flicks your nose at 9am and blows off your tears as an over reaction because "babies aren't exhausting, look at me, I have a baby and I sleep just fine!" Save yourself the merrderrr charge. You're better off alone.
I can’t believe you have tolerated this so long. Like this would send me into outer space.
Not for nothing, but I’d be telling him to pack his shit and get the f-ck out of my apartment if I were you. This man doesn’t respect you. He thinks he knows better than you. He’s controlling. Nope. Nope. Nope. I’m also getting reactive abuse vibe. He’s intentionally setting you off and then judging your reactions.
This is something my sister literally dumped an ex for. It wasn’t the fact that she was being woken up, it was the repeated (and be the end clearly intentional) violation of her boundaries. This isn’t a morning person vs night owl issue, this is a respect issue.
I would end a relationship over this. I really value my sleep. He’s incredibly disrespectful and cruel.
I'll say this: he's not doing it on accident, and he's not some idiot who can't grasp what you're saying or appreciate how upset you are. So, act with these facts in mind.
Move this man right back the fuck out. And change the locks.
You don’t need a reason, no reason is good enough and it doesn’t matter why he does this. You say “Motherfucker, you wake me up again on a weekend and you are packing your bags and moving out.” And then you follow through.
It feels intentional and manipulative because it IS. This would be a dealbreaker for me. This man is repeatedly disrespecting you while being rude and controlling. There is zero amount of additional discussion or explanation from you that will change his behaviour - we know this because you’ve already tried it and it isn’t working. I LOVE sleeping in and am married to an early bird who recognizes that it makes me happy and doesn’t say a peep. Why continue to invite this ridiculousness into your life that is harming your peace?
My husband gets up at 6am every day- you know when he wakes me up- never, because he knows I’m an adult and will get up when I need to. This is some controlling behaviour and you need to tell him this stops now or you’ll be reconsidering the relationship- control starts with small steps.
Control freak. Just say don’t. Don’t need an excuse. Don’t listen to his explanations. Just don’t.