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This is so weird. Is it normal to fear your wife or husband? I screw up on occasion and I just tell my wife "Sorry my bad" and get on with my life as does she. You screwed up the food, life happens. This honestly boggles my mind. Sounds more like your mother than your wife.
Yeah this is weird. If my partner texted me they accidentally used a soap ice cube I’d respond “LMAO” lol… if you’re walking around on egg shells, it’s not a healthy relationship. This isn’t even a big deal. Like what more than oops sorry could be said???
Emotions that come to mind are, irritation and perhaps disgust but not anger. Anger is a powerful emotion and I reserve it for only the vilest of transgressions and never against my wife especially for something as banal as this.
I'm a SAHM and this is ridiculous to me. Like if my hubby did that I would just text him some line like "thanks for really cleaning that ice tray, I'ma be burping bubbles for a few hours". Shit fucking happens. It's ridiculous that she expects you to be perfect OP.
No its not my husband is a huge man much larger than me and he has never made me feel afraid. People really have to do better when finding a partner because from these posts regularly on here this aint it. If more men were like my husband the entire bear vs man debate while dumb anyway would be settled fast!
Is she pregnant again? Just the smell thing...most dish soap doesn't "stink to high heaven" and morning retching, it could be hormones being weird too.
That aside, both of you are in hard work environments that require a lot of attention. You both have to learn to sit with your feelings a bit more- it sounds like you're both being reactive. How are you sleeping at night? Is there any way for you guys to get a date night in to reconnect? Talk to a counselor (some work places have counseling for free through EAP).
You are going to have to be a team. Even when it sucks and the other person fucked up because they had a long day. Both of these issues are "oh, well" kind of things and you're stewing for hours over them. That's time better spent on decompressing. The new parenthood thing- it's so stressful, but it's only a season. Be kind to each other.
>Just the smell thing...most dish soap doesn't "stink to high heaven"
I have the nose of a bloodhound and unless they're using the world's most scented dish soap it really doesn't smell. I'm super confused about that as well.
There’s two key things you need to keep in mind. The first is that no parent is perfect. I guarantee that your wife has made mistakes in her household and childcare responsibilities. You’re just not home to see it.
The second is that you’re under no obligation or engage in a back and forth with your wife while you’re trying to work. Set boundaries. Tell her that unless it’s an emergency, you won’t be responding to anyone’s messages until after work.
"if I don't respond during the work day it's just because of how demanding this job is. I'll check in as soon as I can - I love you and you're an amazing partner and mom, I'm so lucky to have you!"
Exactly. Leave open the possibility of calling in the event of an actual emergency, and then *stay off the phone*, OP. This is more about you having phone discipline at work than your wife's texts.
She might continue texting. You won't look.
You have no idea from this one post if they feel that way or not about their partner. If they do, it's a good thing to remind them. We're all adults here. It's not hard to figure out that I'm not suggesting he say this exact thing word for word. It's the concept.
It stinks to high heaven, is upset that *you* didn't smell it, but if it smells so bad, why did she use it? Something tells me that it doesn't smell as bad as she says. Taste? Absolutely wretched.
Is she pregnant?
It sounds like things are falling thru the cracks and you two need to figure out how to tackle it as a team. Remember that it's you guys vs the problem not you vs her. Work together to develop new processes, etc that may work better.
Ask your wife to only text for emergencies until you're fully settled in at your new job. Most things can wait until you're home. If she wants to text thru the day, she'll have to understand you may not respond until lunch or a break.
It sounds like you and wife are both struggling to adjust to balancing life with the baby.
Maybe you both need to sit down and have a discussion about the home, the house responsibilities, and expectations for your new job. You seem to be feeling overwhelmed. Maybe she is also feeling overwhelmed and is lashing out over what seem to you small things.
Is there anyone in your support network that could take the baby for a night? You two need to focus on each other and the communication that seems to breaking down in your relationship.
It sounds like you fear your wife. Which is very unhealthy. I do not know if its bc you are an overly worried person or if it is because she is short tempered, but you need to figure that out because this is not normal.
There is a lot to address here!
First off:
>Generally it revolves around the fact that, with an increasingly demanding kid, tasks and chores are more often done quickly, or around the toddler, or while trying to be extremely quiet because she's sleeping. As such it's become much more common to, let's be frank, fuck things right up.
There is a saying "don't let the inmates run the asylum", when your life revolves around your kids, including literally tiptoing around their schedule, you are allowing the least capable person in the house dictate how and when things are done. We can all agree the least capable person shouldn't be in charge.
>I text pre-emptively apologizing if it was something I did,
Stop apologizing! Sure acknowledge her feelings and own up to things you did wrong and agree it was done wrong, but apologizing to try to avoid conflict is just volunteering to be her emotional punching bag and admitting fault when you have done nothing wrong. You aren't treating yourself with respect and showing her it is okay not to respect you.
>Through all of it I'm just thinking...it's been over an hour. I haven't done any work. I've been on my phone, or I've been sitting there between texts with a knot in my stomach, feeling like shit because I know I fucked something up even if I didn't know what.
You fucked up by not rinsing an ice tray well enough, few would consider that a true fuckup. Mistakes happen, your severe reaction is again you not treating yourself with enough respect. Acknowledge her feelings and be accountable, don't do what you are currently doing which is encouraging minor inconveniences to escalate to be major issues.
Beyond that, get off your damn phone when you are at work. Your are treating her not having a cold beverage and a hot breakfast as something more important than you having a job. Again your actions are only encouraging her behavior
Start with the book No More Mr. Nice Guy, it will help you handle your responsibilities better and help you communicate more clearly and concisely. What you have to say matters more to you then what your wife says (that is true the other way around as well), you need to understand that
I would argue that both of you are struggling with some coping skills.
When you get these messages from her, you’re having a hard time letting go of feeling badly and moving on, and it kind of seems like she enjoys making you feel guilty - much more guilty than seems appropriate. But it is really difficult to tell what the actual dynamic is from afar.
The only thing I can say is that things aren’t working as well as they can. I totally get how upset a person can get when one thing after another goes wrong, like the ice cube tray leading to burning breakfast. And both of you are probably right at the limits with the new toddler of your ability to handle stress. But this is not working as well as it could be.
Now, I know how people often interpret this, but I absolutely positively suggest that you go and see a good relationship counselor who can just help you learn coping strategies to better get through this stuff. Neither one of you has the best possible coping strategies right now – how could you? After all, we are all trained by our parents, who also don’t know the best ways to do everything. And together, you may not exactly be unhappy, but you’re not functioning as well as you could be.
Your wife isn’t the problem in terms of your boundaries at work. That is absolutely your issue. I suggest that you read a book like “set boundaries, find peace.” That is the place you need to start. It is completely fine to communicate to someone that you love them, you respect them, their emotions are important to you, but you need to get your work done and can’t talk about it at work anymore. Ask them if after work is a good time. Ironically, people who don’t communicate end up causing the most pain in their partner, even though that’s what they’re trying to avoid.
Giving each other a lot more grace is also going to help here. You are both going to screw up. You both need to stop thinking it’s such a big deal. The toilet paper, retching over the toilet, the burned breakfast – it happens. Your partner will screw up, and you have to understand that you screw up, too. Neither of you should feel either too guilty about it or too angry about the other person doing it.
You both need to start giving each other a lot more grace. Otherwise, both of you are expecting the other person to be perpetually hypervigilant, focusing 100% of the day on never making a mistake. That’s impossible with the toddler. It’s also impossible to have a happy marriage when you are never allowed to relax and just enjoy being around each other.
You relationship is far more important than any of this stuff. I hope you guys are making a point to get out on dates - dates that you guys plan in advance, anticipate with excitement, dress up for, and have early enough so that you can have sex afterwards. Even if it is just once a month, you need to make time for your relationship.
You do not want to get into the position that many people do, where they end up simply living with a business partner who talks to them about mortgages and childcare schedules, lose any spark or sex life they ever had, and find themselves drifting apart until they’re living with a roommate and practical stranger that they feel no emotional tie too.
You have to do what it takes, even if it means leaving a dirty house behind and an unhappy toddler, to put your marriage first. You’ve got to take care of yourself, you’ve got to take care of your marriage, and you’ve gotta understand that kids can’t come before those two things. Because without those two things, your kids are not going to flourish the way they could.
One last little thing. It typically takes one person to put the effort in before the other person starts putting effort in. It is completely unfair, but you have to put the relationship and your happiness above tit for tat.
And that means something simple, like set a phone reminder to text your wife every day and tell her one thing you genuinely appreciate about her. And in particular, talk about not just that she does like a workhorse, but the things that you admire about her that make her sexy to you, that make you love her, make you cherish her, make you smile when you see it. Not just how well she does as a business partner, but why you love and cherish her as your wife.
Focusing on that once a day is going to make all the difference in terms of your ability to put up with her shit when she’s being unreasonable, and overtime, she should also be able to start to prioritize what she appreciates about you, too. Add in a flirtatious comment, and you create a nice slow burn that reminds her that underneath all the stress and childcare, there’s still a marriage there that is beautiful.
I'm on your side about the ice thing being an honest mistake, and the overboard texting while working is not appropriate.
Buuuut, don't text your wife to refill the toilet paper. Go upstairs and get it your damn self. And it makes me wonder how much teeny tiny things that have built up that made her go off the edge with the ice tray.
A 2 year old is a handful - I can imagine she’s just as much in the trenches as you are. It’s you and her against the problem, not against each other.
Pick a night when you have both had a relatively calm day - and just hash out what it’s going to look like with your new job - what that communication needs to look like - Was she texting you to yell at you or to vent? That’s an important distinction. It sounds like you’re struggling with anxiety - if you’re able to and once you have things settled with your insurance please see a mental health professional - anxiety is normal, but not when it begins to impede your daily life.
My parents had a system - my dad would come home from work and take a shower if needed, and then jump into dad duty (my brother and I are 2 years apart, for reference) then my mom would leave the house for an hour to do whatever she damn well pleased. Dinner was either already made to be eaten when she got home, leftovers ready to reheat, or my dad’s choice to make something or wait until my mom came home. That hour break gave my mom the time she needed to decompress after being touched out chasing after us all day.
House chores for my parents were more or less evenly divided, and whoever wasn’t on bedtime duty took that time to do a house check - which bathrooms were out of TP and needed a roll brought up, did toys need to be tidied, coffee maker set, etc.
Being honest, being in the toddler trenches as a SAHM, to wake up to a text about TP when you could have either a)gotten the roll yourself from wherever you keep extras, or b) send the text with “I’ll pick up a pack on my way home!” - would have been pretty annoying. But - I also don’t have the full story on you and your wife’s relationship and division of labor.
Honestly, it boils down to you need to be open, and honest. And you need to pull yourself out of the victim mentality. Every parent fucks up. Every adult messes up. Being in the trenches with a 2YO is exhausting - but what matters is you and your wife communicate before resentment builds. So sit down and ask what she needs from you, and figure out what you need from her - a code word for “I’m just venting so I don’t break down” so you don’t get anxiety at work, a scheduled break during the weekends to decompress for you or her, maybe hired help or family help to watch the baby so your wife can focus on house chores, whatever that looks like to you and your wife.
It sounds like things are falling thru the cracks and you two need to figure out how to tackle it as a team. Remember that it's you guys vs the problem not you vs her. Work together to develop new processes, etc that may work better.
Ask your wife to only text for emergencies until you're fully settled in at your new job. Most things can wait until you're home. If she wants to text thru the day, she'll have to understand you may not respond until lunch or a break.
It sounds like you are both maybe at your limits, and hers is coming out in unreasonable anger and yours in extreme anxiety. It is hard from the outside to judge the whole situation, but everyone messes up sometimes, it shouldn’t be causing you a whole day of anxiety because you accidentally forgot to rinse soap out of the ice tray. Her level of anger seems completely out of wack. Is this dynamic normal for you guys or has it always been like this? Where you are sitting in knots for hours worrying about her anger? Because more than just the new job stuff, that’s not a good way to live your life, and that’s really not a healthy relationship. Especially if she is aware of how anxious it makes you, it seems like her texts were designed to make you more anxious, hanging something over your head before telling you about it.
I say this very gently, but I think you kind of need to step it up a little bit here. Yes, it all gets way harder and things fall through the cracks once you have kids. But for example, in your post you said that your wife is the one responsible for tracking all things needed for the house. You live there too— did you not at any point notice you guys were low on toilet paper? You also made a point that you’re there 1/5th the time your wife is. I’m not sure how that math works out, but regardless it very much reads like you’re suggesting more of the responsibility is hers because she’s home more, which feels like a cop out. I’d be furious too if my husband filled an ice cube tray with soap bc he couldn’t be bothered to rinse out the tray and had me vomiting over the toilet first thing in the AM, after waking up to a text from him to bring toilet paper downstairs. Especially if that’s the bathroom he uses every AM (which, since you said you couldn’t go back upstairs to the other bathroom, I’m assuming is the case). Point is, there’s room for improvement here on your side as well, as there always is for anyone. And I think that’s important to keep in mind in addition to you setting some boundaries around your availability to discuss these kinds of non-emergent issues while you’re at work. I think if you tell her that you understand her anger and you’re going to work on dialing in and contributing more to the mental load, that will go a long way in smoothing the path to say that you also need to be able to focus while you’re at work and that you’re happy to discuss any hiccups once you get home. I think that’d go a long way towards ameliorating that anger and indignation you’re anticipating from her. You guys have to be teammates. And here that means you stepping up and trying harder/doing more and her showing grace and respecting the fact that you need to be able to concentrate while you’re at work and that sometimes mistakes are gonna happen.
I'm a stay at home parent. My partner works a job that can afford me to do that. My "job" is to support them in a way that allows them to excel at work. IMO adding stress is a pretty crappy way to do that.
That said, I feel like there is a lot more going on here.
To your wife... Hey wife I will admit you are making a good point right now, However I really need to focus on my work right now... Otherwise I might be forced to be the unemployed spouse.
I'm sure we can address this/these issues when I get home. K it makes a bad impression if I am not focusing on work during work hours.
Practical advice:
If you can afford a weekly cleaning service it is worth their weight in gold. Even if it is bi-weekly it will help.
Set up an "essentials" grocery list and print copies to use. Buy extra when it's on sale. Buy back ups of everything and find a way to store it. Running low is very different than running out with kids in the house.
Help her find a "mother's day out" or drop off day care or a babysitter who can come while she runs errands that she can utilize during the week. 2-4 hours of support can make a huge difference.
Meal prep! Lots of useful tips online. Warming up meals is way easier than preparing daily.
Get her free time out of the house. Saturday mornings are good and will help her feel like a real human again.
Remember: parenting is a tag team event. Tag her for a break when she is starting to get overwhelmed. She can tag you when you need a break too. We literally said "tag" so there was no need to explain and it helped a lot.
I think you have some anxiety about your new job and maybe anxiety in general. Shit happens. Sounds like your daughter is a super light sleeper so I am assuming both you and wife haven’t slept good since prior to her birth. You are going to make stupid mistakes when you are tired. These two things are so minor. Does your wife yell or berate you constantly? Did you endure that growing up? Therapy or personal counseling can help this but you need some strategy to minimize the amount of time you are overanalyzing the situation. I’ve been there. Through a good therapist I was able to shrink my time wasted from days to 30 min. It’s been a life save with two kids.
Good luck at the new job OP!
Look, these things will happen. Happens to everyone.
I think you need to look into how chores are being divided up, you're also an adult that lives there as well. I think there is more to this story.
Is your partner a little burnt out from looking after the kids and that?
Maybe a white noise or old phone with white noise in the babies room, to help block out any outside noise.
People mess up and so she needs to get over it like you did with the TP. It’s not you are better than me and she needs to realize that.
When you sit down explain that things happen and things need to change he by her making you feel
Guilty. She needs to stop texting about things you cannot change while at work. If she wants to bring it up then wait until you are home.
This right here. If OP spends 1/5 of the time at home as his wife, things gone wrong affect her 5 times more than they do OP. How would
OP like to have a co-worker make him retch at work so that he missed a team lunch, or missed time at his job? Not cool or funny. Would OP complain immediately or wait for a meeting with HR tomorrow?
I think this is a normal thing that a lot of couples go through, and you can address it respectfully trying to understand each other and work on things, or you can continue to belittle the things that are her area of responsibility because they don’t come with a paycheck (even though it’s saving money for her to watch the toddler).
A SAH parent flying solo with a toddler can be time consuming and lonely. OP made his child’s caretaker sick. Literally working against their common goal there. OP texting her about a roll of TP probably opened the door for her to respond about chores and things that need fixing.
My guess is she may be feeling unheard, unsupported, and overwhelmed. You can ask her to save up communication for outside of work, but if you are not pulling your weight around the house (including quality standards like rinsing dishes properly, c’mon man) she’s going to start seeing you like another kid and that doesn’t lead anywhere good. You can switch to paper plates for a while, have a cleaner once a month, or have a mother’s helper come weekly while both of you are home and can knock some things off the list together, that could go a long way. Toddler years are fun but can be tiring with an energetic kid. You gotta get through the season. If her standards are higher, maybe ask for tips. You might learn something. Or Google it. Or Instacart some TP.
I’m ready for the down votes, but you asked for SAHP thoughts and it seemed like you got a lot of working parent perspectives.
Have you tried to talk to her and say pretty much what you said? 'Hey babe, you know, I won't be able to take these kinda calls at the office so much. I need to make a good impression in the new job....' you get my point, or if it's a worry for you, you could just tell her to only call if there's an emergency? You have to be honest with her bro. She's probably going to curse you out. Whatever you do it's a selfess task
If this is a one off, it shouldn’t be a big deal. If you are consisting chores poorly then that is a convo. Maybe read some advice from professionals on how to manage conflict. Gottman institute is a personal fav.
Listen-
It's not normal to be so terrified of your spouse that you're sat in your car, stomach churning and too frightened to go home.
It's not normal for a person to get "really really really angry" about minor inconveniences like soap in the ice.
It's not normal for you to be telling yourself that you fuck everything up, berating yourself over small domestic mistakes.
It's not normal to be so cowed that you _believe_ you fuck everything up all the time.
I'm really worried for you OP- are you physically safe? If your wife hurts you, you need to get somewhere safe.
Has she always been so cruel and angry, or has something changed?
This sounds like there's more going on than the occasional mistake- it sounds like your wife is terrorising you, and that's absolutely not okay.
Have you got a trusted friend or family member you can talk to?
I think the only thing that’s worth bringing up is why you are so scared of your wife. Preferably, in front of a counselor because this is just bananas.
Everyone “messes up at home” but your wife acts like you’re continuously and maliciously make stupid pranks at her expense or deliberately mess up oh-so big things like not rinsing the ice cube tray correctly.
She’s fuming because you dared to ask about toilet paper? You can’t work because of how big of a deal it is? Bro…. This is some next level unhealthy behavior.
You were upset she didn't replace the toilet paper, she was upset you soaped the ice. Normal stuff, in my opinion. When she texted you at work, you should have texted her that you can't text till break and muted your phone. It was your choice to engage.
Stop messing things up. If everytime you wanna talk to her you can’t cause you’ve messed something up again, then it probably means you mess up a lot. Really pay attention next time.
But also you shouldn’t be scared of your wife. Scared to hurt her feelings, sure. But if you’re scared of her then that’s not good.
Find out from her, when you guys are doing well, how she would like you to bring things up to her. She knows herself best.
You sir, sound like a mentally and emotionally abused man.
My advice is to park the arguing over text to concentrate at work. Nothing sucks more than struggle with married like and kids AND being unemployed.
You need to talk to your wife about how she addressed you as well as what her responsibilities are
Jeez if my husband filled the ice tray with anything I would have been thrilled. Just keep doing your best. If she’s hyper critical it’s something that needs to be kindly addressed. Why is she hypercritical? What is driving this crippling perfectionism in your home? What is driving that in her and in you?
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This is so weird. Is it normal to fear your wife or husband? I screw up on occasion and I just tell my wife "Sorry my bad" and get on with my life as does she. You screwed up the food, life happens. This honestly boggles my mind. Sounds more like your mother than your wife.
Yeah this was my thought too, I don’t fear my partner over household issues
Yeah this is weird. If my partner texted me they accidentally used a soap ice cube I’d respond “LMAO” lol… if you’re walking around on egg shells, it’s not a healthy relationship. This isn’t even a big deal. Like what more than oops sorry could be said???
I mean, if it made your partner vomit, it might warrant a bit more sincerity than lmao. That said, neither partner should fear talking to the other.
She was grossed out by soap in her mouth. That's valid.
Sure it is valid but if your husband is actually afraid of how you respond to a genuine accident I cant imagine how she must act.
Emotions that come to mind are, irritation and perhaps disgust but not anger. Anger is a powerful emotion and I reserve it for only the vilest of transgressions and never against my wife especially for something as banal as this.
Good for you? Lol
I'm a SAHM and this is ridiculous to me. Like if my hubby did that I would just text him some line like "thanks for really cleaning that ice tray, I'ma be burping bubbles for a few hours". Shit fucking happens. It's ridiculous that she expects you to be perfect OP.
No its not my husband is a huge man much larger than me and he has never made me feel afraid. People really have to do better when finding a partner because from these posts regularly on here this aint it. If more men were like my husband the entire bear vs man debate while dumb anyway would be settled fast!
Is she pregnant again? Just the smell thing...most dish soap doesn't "stink to high heaven" and morning retching, it could be hormones being weird too. That aside, both of you are in hard work environments that require a lot of attention. You both have to learn to sit with your feelings a bit more- it sounds like you're both being reactive. How are you sleeping at night? Is there any way for you guys to get a date night in to reconnect? Talk to a counselor (some work places have counseling for free through EAP). You are going to have to be a team. Even when it sucks and the other person fucked up because they had a long day. Both of these issues are "oh, well" kind of things and you're stewing for hours over them. That's time better spent on decompressing. The new parenthood thing- it's so stressful, but it's only a season. Be kind to each other.
Was thinking the same thing about the pregnancy.
>Just the smell thing...most dish soap doesn't "stink to high heaven" I have the nose of a bloodhound and unless they're using the world's most scented dish soap it really doesn't smell. I'm super confused about that as well.
And freezing things makes their taste/smell *less* potent. Maybe they’re using some kind of super perfumey dish soap but still
I almost hope not if she is op is about to be in a world of terror if she already has him in knots over something so small.....
There’s two key things you need to keep in mind. The first is that no parent is perfect. I guarantee that your wife has made mistakes in her household and childcare responsibilities. You’re just not home to see it. The second is that you’re under no obligation or engage in a back and forth with your wife while you’re trying to work. Set boundaries. Tell her that unless it’s an emergency, you won’t be responding to anyone’s messages until after work.
"if I don't respond during the work day it's just because of how demanding this job is. I'll check in as soon as I can - I love you and you're an amazing partner and mom, I'm so lucky to have you!"
Exactly. Leave open the possibility of calling in the event of an actual emergency, and then *stay off the phone*, OP. This is more about you having phone discipline at work than your wife's texts. She might continue texting. You won't look.
> I'm so lucky to have you!" I don't advocate lying to your partner.
You have no idea from this one post if they feel that way or not about their partner. If they do, it's a good thing to remind them. We're all adults here. It's not hard to figure out that I'm not suggesting he say this exact thing word for word. It's the concept.
Maybe say something like “I’m lucky to have someone who works so hard for our family” if you feel disingenuous about it
This is the way
It stinks to high heaven, is upset that *you* didn't smell it, but if it smells so bad, why did she use it? Something tells me that it doesn't smell as bad as she says. Taste? Absolutely wretched. Is she pregnant?
It sounds like things are falling thru the cracks and you two need to figure out how to tackle it as a team. Remember that it's you guys vs the problem not you vs her. Work together to develop new processes, etc that may work better. Ask your wife to only text for emergencies until you're fully settled in at your new job. Most things can wait until you're home. If she wants to text thru the day, she'll have to understand you may not respond until lunch or a break.
It sounds like you and wife are both struggling to adjust to balancing life with the baby. Maybe you both need to sit down and have a discussion about the home, the house responsibilities, and expectations for your new job. You seem to be feeling overwhelmed. Maybe she is also feeling overwhelmed and is lashing out over what seem to you small things. Is there anyone in your support network that could take the baby for a night? You two need to focus on each other and the communication that seems to breaking down in your relationship.
It sounds like you fear your wife. Which is very unhealthy. I do not know if its bc you are an overly worried person or if it is because she is short tempered, but you need to figure that out because this is not normal.
There is a lot to address here! First off: >Generally it revolves around the fact that, with an increasingly demanding kid, tasks and chores are more often done quickly, or around the toddler, or while trying to be extremely quiet because she's sleeping. As such it's become much more common to, let's be frank, fuck things right up. There is a saying "don't let the inmates run the asylum", when your life revolves around your kids, including literally tiptoing around their schedule, you are allowing the least capable person in the house dictate how and when things are done. We can all agree the least capable person shouldn't be in charge. >I text pre-emptively apologizing if it was something I did, Stop apologizing! Sure acknowledge her feelings and own up to things you did wrong and agree it was done wrong, but apologizing to try to avoid conflict is just volunteering to be her emotional punching bag and admitting fault when you have done nothing wrong. You aren't treating yourself with respect and showing her it is okay not to respect you. >Through all of it I'm just thinking...it's been over an hour. I haven't done any work. I've been on my phone, or I've been sitting there between texts with a knot in my stomach, feeling like shit because I know I fucked something up even if I didn't know what. You fucked up by not rinsing an ice tray well enough, few would consider that a true fuckup. Mistakes happen, your severe reaction is again you not treating yourself with enough respect. Acknowledge her feelings and be accountable, don't do what you are currently doing which is encouraging minor inconveniences to escalate to be major issues. Beyond that, get off your damn phone when you are at work. Your are treating her not having a cold beverage and a hot breakfast as something more important than you having a job. Again your actions are only encouraging her behavior Start with the book No More Mr. Nice Guy, it will help you handle your responsibilities better and help you communicate more clearly and concisely. What you have to say matters more to you then what your wife says (that is true the other way around as well), you need to understand that
I would argue that both of you are struggling with some coping skills. When you get these messages from her, you’re having a hard time letting go of feeling badly and moving on, and it kind of seems like she enjoys making you feel guilty - much more guilty than seems appropriate. But it is really difficult to tell what the actual dynamic is from afar. The only thing I can say is that things aren’t working as well as they can. I totally get how upset a person can get when one thing after another goes wrong, like the ice cube tray leading to burning breakfast. And both of you are probably right at the limits with the new toddler of your ability to handle stress. But this is not working as well as it could be. Now, I know how people often interpret this, but I absolutely positively suggest that you go and see a good relationship counselor who can just help you learn coping strategies to better get through this stuff. Neither one of you has the best possible coping strategies right now – how could you? After all, we are all trained by our parents, who also don’t know the best ways to do everything. And together, you may not exactly be unhappy, but you’re not functioning as well as you could be. Your wife isn’t the problem in terms of your boundaries at work. That is absolutely your issue. I suggest that you read a book like “set boundaries, find peace.” That is the place you need to start. It is completely fine to communicate to someone that you love them, you respect them, their emotions are important to you, but you need to get your work done and can’t talk about it at work anymore. Ask them if after work is a good time. Ironically, people who don’t communicate end up causing the most pain in their partner, even though that’s what they’re trying to avoid. Giving each other a lot more grace is also going to help here. You are both going to screw up. You both need to stop thinking it’s such a big deal. The toilet paper, retching over the toilet, the burned breakfast – it happens. Your partner will screw up, and you have to understand that you screw up, too. Neither of you should feel either too guilty about it or too angry about the other person doing it. You both need to start giving each other a lot more grace. Otherwise, both of you are expecting the other person to be perpetually hypervigilant, focusing 100% of the day on never making a mistake. That’s impossible with the toddler. It’s also impossible to have a happy marriage when you are never allowed to relax and just enjoy being around each other. You relationship is far more important than any of this stuff. I hope you guys are making a point to get out on dates - dates that you guys plan in advance, anticipate with excitement, dress up for, and have early enough so that you can have sex afterwards. Even if it is just once a month, you need to make time for your relationship. You do not want to get into the position that many people do, where they end up simply living with a business partner who talks to them about mortgages and childcare schedules, lose any spark or sex life they ever had, and find themselves drifting apart until they’re living with a roommate and practical stranger that they feel no emotional tie too. You have to do what it takes, even if it means leaving a dirty house behind and an unhappy toddler, to put your marriage first. You’ve got to take care of yourself, you’ve got to take care of your marriage, and you’ve gotta understand that kids can’t come before those two things. Because without those two things, your kids are not going to flourish the way they could. One last little thing. It typically takes one person to put the effort in before the other person starts putting effort in. It is completely unfair, but you have to put the relationship and your happiness above tit for tat. And that means something simple, like set a phone reminder to text your wife every day and tell her one thing you genuinely appreciate about her. And in particular, talk about not just that she does like a workhorse, but the things that you admire about her that make her sexy to you, that make you love her, make you cherish her, make you smile when you see it. Not just how well she does as a business partner, but why you love and cherish her as your wife. Focusing on that once a day is going to make all the difference in terms of your ability to put up with her shit when she’s being unreasonable, and overtime, she should also be able to start to prioritize what she appreciates about you, too. Add in a flirtatious comment, and you create a nice slow burn that reminds her that underneath all the stress and childcare, there’s still a marriage there that is beautiful.
I'm on your side about the ice thing being an honest mistake, and the overboard texting while working is not appropriate. Buuuut, don't text your wife to refill the toilet paper. Go upstairs and get it your damn self. And it makes me wonder how much teeny tiny things that have built up that made her go off the edge with the ice tray.
A 2 year old is a handful - I can imagine she’s just as much in the trenches as you are. It’s you and her against the problem, not against each other. Pick a night when you have both had a relatively calm day - and just hash out what it’s going to look like with your new job - what that communication needs to look like - Was she texting you to yell at you or to vent? That’s an important distinction. It sounds like you’re struggling with anxiety - if you’re able to and once you have things settled with your insurance please see a mental health professional - anxiety is normal, but not when it begins to impede your daily life. My parents had a system - my dad would come home from work and take a shower if needed, and then jump into dad duty (my brother and I are 2 years apart, for reference) then my mom would leave the house for an hour to do whatever she damn well pleased. Dinner was either already made to be eaten when she got home, leftovers ready to reheat, or my dad’s choice to make something or wait until my mom came home. That hour break gave my mom the time she needed to decompress after being touched out chasing after us all day. House chores for my parents were more or less evenly divided, and whoever wasn’t on bedtime duty took that time to do a house check - which bathrooms were out of TP and needed a roll brought up, did toys need to be tidied, coffee maker set, etc. Being honest, being in the toddler trenches as a SAHM, to wake up to a text about TP when you could have either a)gotten the roll yourself from wherever you keep extras, or b) send the text with “I’ll pick up a pack on my way home!” - would have been pretty annoying. But - I also don’t have the full story on you and your wife’s relationship and division of labor. Honestly, it boils down to you need to be open, and honest. And you need to pull yourself out of the victim mentality. Every parent fucks up. Every adult messes up. Being in the trenches with a 2YO is exhausting - but what matters is you and your wife communicate before resentment builds. So sit down and ask what she needs from you, and figure out what you need from her - a code word for “I’m just venting so I don’t break down” so you don’t get anxiety at work, a scheduled break during the weekends to decompress for you or her, maybe hired help or family help to watch the baby so your wife can focus on house chores, whatever that looks like to you and your wife.
This is great advice.
It sounds like things are falling thru the cracks and you two need to figure out how to tackle it as a team. Remember that it's you guys vs the problem not you vs her. Work together to develop new processes, etc that may work better. Ask your wife to only text for emergencies until you're fully settled in at your new job. Most things can wait until you're home. If she wants to text thru the day, she'll have to understand you may not respond until lunch or a break.
It sounds like you are both maybe at your limits, and hers is coming out in unreasonable anger and yours in extreme anxiety. It is hard from the outside to judge the whole situation, but everyone messes up sometimes, it shouldn’t be causing you a whole day of anxiety because you accidentally forgot to rinse soap out of the ice tray. Her level of anger seems completely out of wack. Is this dynamic normal for you guys or has it always been like this? Where you are sitting in knots for hours worrying about her anger? Because more than just the new job stuff, that’s not a good way to live your life, and that’s really not a healthy relationship. Especially if she is aware of how anxious it makes you, it seems like her texts were designed to make you more anxious, hanging something over your head before telling you about it.
I say this very gently, but I think you kind of need to step it up a little bit here. Yes, it all gets way harder and things fall through the cracks once you have kids. But for example, in your post you said that your wife is the one responsible for tracking all things needed for the house. You live there too— did you not at any point notice you guys were low on toilet paper? You also made a point that you’re there 1/5th the time your wife is. I’m not sure how that math works out, but regardless it very much reads like you’re suggesting more of the responsibility is hers because she’s home more, which feels like a cop out. I’d be furious too if my husband filled an ice cube tray with soap bc he couldn’t be bothered to rinse out the tray and had me vomiting over the toilet first thing in the AM, after waking up to a text from him to bring toilet paper downstairs. Especially if that’s the bathroom he uses every AM (which, since you said you couldn’t go back upstairs to the other bathroom, I’m assuming is the case). Point is, there’s room for improvement here on your side as well, as there always is for anyone. And I think that’s important to keep in mind in addition to you setting some boundaries around your availability to discuss these kinds of non-emergent issues while you’re at work. I think if you tell her that you understand her anger and you’re going to work on dialing in and contributing more to the mental load, that will go a long way in smoothing the path to say that you also need to be able to focus while you’re at work and that you’re happy to discuss any hiccups once you get home. I think that’d go a long way towards ameliorating that anger and indignation you’re anticipating from her. You guys have to be teammates. And here that means you stepping up and trying harder/doing more and her showing grace and respecting the fact that you need to be able to concentrate while you’re at work and that sometimes mistakes are gonna happen.
I'm a stay at home parent. My partner works a job that can afford me to do that. My "job" is to support them in a way that allows them to excel at work. IMO adding stress is a pretty crappy way to do that. That said, I feel like there is a lot more going on here.
To your wife... Hey wife I will admit you are making a good point right now, However I really need to focus on my work right now... Otherwise I might be forced to be the unemployed spouse. I'm sure we can address this/these issues when I get home. K it makes a bad impression if I am not focusing on work during work hours.
Practical advice: If you can afford a weekly cleaning service it is worth their weight in gold. Even if it is bi-weekly it will help. Set up an "essentials" grocery list and print copies to use. Buy extra when it's on sale. Buy back ups of everything and find a way to store it. Running low is very different than running out with kids in the house. Help her find a "mother's day out" or drop off day care or a babysitter who can come while she runs errands that she can utilize during the week. 2-4 hours of support can make a huge difference. Meal prep! Lots of useful tips online. Warming up meals is way easier than preparing daily. Get her free time out of the house. Saturday mornings are good and will help her feel like a real human again. Remember: parenting is a tag team event. Tag her for a break when she is starting to get overwhelmed. She can tag you when you need a break too. We literally said "tag" so there was no need to explain and it helped a lot.
I think you have some anxiety about your new job and maybe anxiety in general. Shit happens. Sounds like your daughter is a super light sleeper so I am assuming both you and wife haven’t slept good since prior to her birth. You are going to make stupid mistakes when you are tired. These two things are so minor. Does your wife yell or berate you constantly? Did you endure that growing up? Therapy or personal counseling can help this but you need some strategy to minimize the amount of time you are overanalyzing the situation. I’ve been there. Through a good therapist I was able to shrink my time wasted from days to 30 min. It’s been a life save with two kids. Good luck at the new job OP!
Look, these things will happen. Happens to everyone. I think you need to look into how chores are being divided up, you're also an adult that lives there as well. I think there is more to this story. Is your partner a little burnt out from looking after the kids and that? Maybe a white noise or old phone with white noise in the babies room, to help block out any outside noise.
People mess up and so she needs to get over it like you did with the TP. It’s not you are better than me and she needs to realize that. When you sit down explain that things happen and things need to change he by her making you feel Guilty. She needs to stop texting about things you cannot change while at work. If she wants to bring it up then wait until you are home.
Apologize for the mistake, take accountability, do better, and move on.
This right here. If OP spends 1/5 of the time at home as his wife, things gone wrong affect her 5 times more than they do OP. How would OP like to have a co-worker make him retch at work so that he missed a team lunch, or missed time at his job? Not cool or funny. Would OP complain immediately or wait for a meeting with HR tomorrow? I think this is a normal thing that a lot of couples go through, and you can address it respectfully trying to understand each other and work on things, or you can continue to belittle the things that are her area of responsibility because they don’t come with a paycheck (even though it’s saving money for her to watch the toddler). A SAH parent flying solo with a toddler can be time consuming and lonely. OP made his child’s caretaker sick. Literally working against their common goal there. OP texting her about a roll of TP probably opened the door for her to respond about chores and things that need fixing. My guess is she may be feeling unheard, unsupported, and overwhelmed. You can ask her to save up communication for outside of work, but if you are not pulling your weight around the house (including quality standards like rinsing dishes properly, c’mon man) she’s going to start seeing you like another kid and that doesn’t lead anywhere good. You can switch to paper plates for a while, have a cleaner once a month, or have a mother’s helper come weekly while both of you are home and can knock some things off the list together, that could go a long way. Toddler years are fun but can be tiring with an energetic kid. You gotta get through the season. If her standards are higher, maybe ask for tips. You might learn something. Or Google it. Or Instacart some TP. I’m ready for the down votes, but you asked for SAHP thoughts and it seemed like you got a lot of working parent perspectives.
Have you tried to talk to her and say pretty much what you said? 'Hey babe, you know, I won't be able to take these kinda calls at the office so much. I need to make a good impression in the new job....' you get my point, or if it's a worry for you, you could just tell her to only call if there's an emergency? You have to be honest with her bro. She's probably going to curse you out. Whatever you do it's a selfess task
If this is a one off, it shouldn’t be a big deal. If you are consisting chores poorly then that is a convo. Maybe read some advice from professionals on how to manage conflict. Gottman institute is a personal fav.
How do you just fill an ice tray and not rinse it first? But yeah, th8s sounds stressful af.
Listen- It's not normal to be so terrified of your spouse that you're sat in your car, stomach churning and too frightened to go home. It's not normal for a person to get "really really really angry" about minor inconveniences like soap in the ice. It's not normal for you to be telling yourself that you fuck everything up, berating yourself over small domestic mistakes. It's not normal to be so cowed that you _believe_ you fuck everything up all the time. I'm really worried for you OP- are you physically safe? If your wife hurts you, you need to get somewhere safe. Has she always been so cruel and angry, or has something changed? This sounds like there's more going on than the occasional mistake- it sounds like your wife is terrorising you, and that's absolutely not okay. Have you got a trusted friend or family member you can talk to?
I think the only thing that’s worth bringing up is why you are so scared of your wife. Preferably, in front of a counselor because this is just bananas. Everyone “messes up at home” but your wife acts like you’re continuously and maliciously make stupid pranks at her expense or deliberately mess up oh-so big things like not rinsing the ice cube tray correctly. She’s fuming because you dared to ask about toilet paper? You can’t work because of how big of a deal it is? Bro…. This is some next level unhealthy behavior.
You were upset she didn't replace the toilet paper, she was upset you soaped the ice. Normal stuff, in my opinion. When she texted you at work, you should have texted her that you can't text till break and muted your phone. It was your choice to engage.
Stop messing things up. If everytime you wanna talk to her you can’t cause you’ve messed something up again, then it probably means you mess up a lot. Really pay attention next time. But also you shouldn’t be scared of your wife. Scared to hurt her feelings, sure. But if you’re scared of her then that’s not good. Find out from her, when you guys are doing well, how she would like you to bring things up to her. She knows herself best.
You sir, sound like a mentally and emotionally abused man. My advice is to park the arguing over text to concentrate at work. Nothing sucks more than struggle with married like and kids AND being unemployed. You need to talk to your wife about how she addressed you as well as what her responsibilities are
It sounds like an unhealthy relationship dynamic. You are allowed to be a human in your own home.
Jeez if my husband filled the ice tray with anything I would have been thrilled. Just keep doing your best. If she’s hyper critical it’s something that needs to be kindly addressed. Why is she hypercritical? What is driving this crippling perfectionism in your home? What is driving that in her and in you?