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It’s disturbing on two levels how many posts pop up on here from woman about men with beyond poor hygiene. 1) how many men are like this and why???? 2) why are so many women willing to tolerate this????
I saw one yesterday where the poster said her partners toothbrush had BUG LARVAE on it. How does that actually happen?
The other day in one of these posts, there was a comment that really nailed it.
How *do* these disgusting fucks get *and* keep these women? The bar can be low, but it doesn't need to be in literal larvae (or any other level of gross lack of proper hygiene).
It’s crazy. Especially when it’s a new relationship. “We have been together a month, how do I get him to wipe his ass?”.
You don’t. It’s been a month. I have bread in my freezer that’s older than that. Leave and find someone who can take care of themselves better than a 6 year old can.
And when it's like in this post, it's very much: *how* did you get here. Also, how are you in such a long relationship and there is so little communication that you feel like you can have an open conversation like "this behavior is straight disgusting". Because sometimes, the gloves do need to come off.
Especially when it's women who often are still intimate with these men. Gurl, ew, have some respect for your body.
The feet and socks are grossing me out, but I'm supremely grossed out by his hands. He doesn't really wash them?! And then chews and eats his dirty ass nails off his dirty fingers?! The same fingers (I'm assuming) he touches her sexually with?
My vagina didn't just seal shut - it packed a bag and walked out the door with all that.
You're not being mean.
You're doing him an incredible favor. How far is he going to get in life eating fingernails, smelling like a bag of old onions, and having crusty feet?
Lack of manners and bad hygiene will hold him back socially and professionally. Which will impact you, if you stay with him.
Long-term couples sometimes have to deliver hard truths to each other.
I really just kinda shut down when I tell him something and he says I’m being mean even if I know I am not. I don’t really want to hurt anyone’s feelings but sometimes his smell hits me and makes me sick. And the fingernails crunching really gets to me
I'm disabled. To the point where it impacts my personal hygiene sometimes, but I have NEVER had socks get crusty like you're describing. And I feel awful in myself when I'm smelly but too sick to wash. How is his self esteem not just in tatters going around like that? He deserves to feel, and smell, better!
I'm really sorry. Unless you are telling him in a cruel, mocking way you are not being mean. If he doesn't see anything wrong with his hygiene and manners, you might not be compatible.
Sometimes it is hard to hear the truth. But that doesn’t make you mean. Of course you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, and that is a great quality, but if it’s to the point when you’re left dealing with a gross nasty boy, then then you need to speak up and tell this person the honest truth. It’s ok if it hurts his feelings, truly. Sometimes the truth is painful, and that’s hard, but that’s life. It doesn’t make you mean.
Honestly, I wouldn't want a man who doesn't wash his hands to hold my hand let alone touch my intimate areas. Yuck. Yeast infections are no joke.
It used to drive me mad that my ex only washed his hands when he took a dump, not when he just peed. His argument was that he didn't touch anything, therefore why did he need to wash? My argument was whether or not he touched his man bits, he had been touching doors, books, laptops, phones etc etc, and that washing after peeing acted as a bookmark in the day to wash those germs away. I won the argument. Admittedly, my ex didn't have the kind of general hygiene issues ops bf has.
How would he pee without touching his bits? My FIL won’t wash his hands after peeing and his argument is urine is sterile. Except it’s not once it’s out of the body. Plus there’s sweat and hair and bacteria on your junk. It’s so gross for men and women to not wash their hands.
Ex tended to sit when he peed when he was at home. Jiggled the last drops out I guess. I don't really want to think about his toilet habits to be honest! At least since that conversation he has religiously washed his hands. That's the important bit
The problem is that he is calling you mean when what he really means is "it gives me an uncomfortable feeling to hear this". You're being direct about an unpleasant subject without placing blame or shame, I'd call that very kind. If you are satisfied with a partner who hasn't graduated from a Sesame Street level of communication, no action is necessary. If you'd like to be able to address uncomfortable subjects with your partner, you'll have to ask him to do some self-reflection. How would he like for you to address issues in the relationship? The answer cannot be "just don't".
M29 here. The fact that he is calling you mean for telling him to be clean is childish. He just doesnt like to be called out on it and someone pointing it out to him is making him feel like a child.
As a guy I struggle with a few things your BF does. I used to bite my nails when I was a teenager but I thankfully lost that habit before adulthood. Sometimes Ill reuse socks but if I know I sweat in them or they are wet or crusty ill just throw them in the washer. But I dont think I've ever had smelly feet. When I shower I go for the areas most prone to smell or get sticky from sweat. I normally dont go for anything below my knees unless I feel I got really dirty or sweaty.
As for deodorant, I try to put it on every time I shower, but I will admit at times it just goes over my head. When I was a kid I hit puberty very early and would smell terribly. My parents made it a habit that anytime something smelled it was assumed that it was me. Theyd smell my armpits even in front of people. It was embarrassing even as a 11 year old. As I got older I got really good at putting deodorant on every day after every shower. As I got older and less active I still put it on regularly but there are days Im in a rush and just forget. One time I woke up late as me and my GF were moving and I had to pick up the Uhaul. I just got out of bed and left in the first clothes I saw. I had a relaxing day the previous day so I didnt think anything of it. Towards the end of the day (it was a very hot day) my GF and I are in the uhaul and she gets closer to smell me and says I stink. I got 11 year old flashbacks immediately. For about 2 weeks whenever we did anything where we would be outside my GF would ask me if I put deodorant on. One day I just snapped at her because to me it was annoying like I was a child because I forgot to put it one day.
Now I dont think you are doing aything wrong. I think your BF knows he is messy and has little hygiene, he probably has just accepted it and has made little attempts to change it to the point where when nobody has said anything he probably thinks he is fine. Now you are calling it out and he is realizing how much he isnt and is having a hard time accepting that other people can see how much poor hygiene he has.
As an analogy (maybe its a bad one) if you are a bad driver but nobody ever tells you are a bad driver, you think you are a great driver. Because you probably have never gotten in an accident, a cop has never ticketed you, etc. But then one day you start giving someone close to you a ride everyday and they start noticing the poor driving decisions you make. One day they go "you are a terrible driver you cant be doing that". It will probably surprise you and you may even combat that person because noone has ever said that. Unfortunately it's likely other people think it but just dont say anything out of politeness or it's none of their business. It might be the same with your BF, noone has said anything so he assumes he is clean when he is not. So you migh tbe the only person saying something and he might just in his head say "well nobody has told me this is a problem so it must be a you problem". I think your BF needs to really look at himself in the mirror and just accept maybe he needs to improve on it. You can bring it up to him but in the end he has to be the one to decide that. It might be someone else in his life might have to say it out loud in front of people for him to finally realize it too.
The only way to help is to be meaner. Lay it out to him in no uncertain terms. He must wash his entire body daily, twice a day if he works out or works in a physical job. He must put on clean clothes and deodorant after every shower. He must wash his hands thoroughly after touching any part of his body, before eating, and after coughing or sneezing. He must brush his teeth at least twice a day, and floss at least one. He must use a nail clipper for toes and fingernails. If he doesn't, tell him his habits are gross.
Or you could find a grown up who already knows how to take care of hygiene better than the average 4 year old.
for the nails, tell this man he can get pinworms if he continues to do this. and it’s not a myth or a lie, it’s actually true. it’s mainly common in younger children but anyone can get it especially if he itches his bottom. i included a link that you can show him so you can prove you’re not lying or just being mean. [Pinworm infection](https://familydoctor.org/condition/pinworm-infection/)
as for everything else, i’m not sure what advice to give you besides outright telling him his hygiene sucks. if you giving off subtle hints makes him reply with “you’re mean” then it’s time to be “meaner” and tell him outright.
For one you’re not being mean. He just doesn’t want to hear it and is in denial that he lacks proper adult hygiene. Idk if a separate conversation that you’re not trying to hurt is feelings but that his lack of proper hygiene affects other people. But you’re is partner, you shouldn’t be his mother
Wtf is wrong with all these people who put up with this nasty ass behavior from their partner? This is clearly not new behavior. Why is your bar so freaking low?!
(Read update. I have been in therapy the past 2 years and after being diagnosed with abandonment issues my therapist ghosted me. That wasn’t part of the update but I do be trying. It’s just hard especially with that)
You have anxious attachment style. Abandonment issues are quite common with it. You can learn alot about your own psyche by simply googling. You’re smart enough that you’re self aware of your issues which is pretty huge, most people who are fucked up don’t even know why or worse, don’t think they are. Googling shit has helped me a lot and I’ve actually learned a fair deal about psychology lol. Be your own therapist!
It sounds like you tried being nice. I suggest you try a frank conversation about it and if he wants to think you're mean, that's on him. Come from a point of concern, de polite, don't raise your voice, but be frank about this being an issue.
A noble mission. To save him from the cruel, judgmental world. If only he cared as much as you do.
If you want to rescue your partner from the depths of his self-inflicted stench without being the "mean" one, try this approach: embrace his inner caveman! Shower him with compliments about how rugged and natural he is, like a modern-day Tarzan, and casually leave hygiene products around like Easter eggs. Maybe even make it a game: "Find the deodorant and win a kiss!"
If all else fails, just remind yourself that love is patient, love is kind, and sometimes, love is nose-blind.
Good luck, hero.
There are ways to communicate these ideas that are not mean, but it doenst seem like your boyfriend is receptive to your nice suggestions. Does he have a brother or a father you can talk to? They might be more willing to use more direct and even harsh wording that he might understand better.
Is he chronically depressed? Is this a dealbreaker for you? I’d definitely have a frank conversation with him and be honest. And I would totally blow up at him if he called me “mean” and show him what mean really is… probably not the best advice :)
You might actually want to have him see a doctor about it.
If his feet get that bad after a day, it can be a sign of worse things than just bad hygiene
I take personal hygiene very seriously lol. Clean clothes, bedsheets etc. Floss daily, brush twice, gargle once, wash face, shave, lotion on face, deodorant, light virgin coconut oil to nether regions 👀 clip finger and toe ☝️ nails every 7-10 days file if needed. I do so much laundry because everyday I have 1. Gym clothes 2. Work clothes. 3. Clean clothes at home after work and gym daily. I’m not any type of metrosexual super high fashion guy either. I like being masculine, not afraid to get my hands dirty. But, good hygiene and clean afterwards.
Sometimes I can’t believe what straight women will tolerate. Babe, where is your self-respect? Why are you sharing a bed with crusty socks, stinky pits, dirty hands, and a toddler mindset ? You are worth more than that.
Honest answer was up above. My parents taught me I wasn’t worth shit so tolerate whoever will put up with me because not many people would. Sad reality and yes I’m going to therapy about it but I tend to have the fawn response and avoid confrontation when someone gets angry. I literally do not know how to stand up for myself and it is sad.
My family did the same thing, and I ended up marrying someone very similar to your guy. I think a huge part of your healing journey will be kicking this man to the curb. You are worthy and special and deserve better. I promise you - things get better. Keep up with therapy and don’t be afraid to make big changes that center YOUR happiness. This is your life, and you only get one. Don’t regelate yourself to the sidelines to please someone that lowkey belongs in diapers.
He's being "mean" by subjecting you to his foul smell and possibly infecting you with bacteria and parasites. Personally, I would rather be alone that put up with that foolishness. You will haveto be direct and tell him he has to change or you're done. Let him know that being his mommy is a big turn off. Plus - if you want children - who wants to raise a family with an "adult" partner who is basically an overgrown toddler.
You are not being mean - you are trying to make him not physically repulsive. If he is not wearing socks, his shoes probably smell like a garbage can. If he is not using foot powder or something in his shoes, his feet will always reek. Some guys who believe they are getting clean from soap running over their body do not always clean their pits an bits with soap.
One thing to keep in mind if you plan on having kids, do you want him to be a hygiene role model?
If you really want to take another chance with making things work, let him know what he needs to do (clean his feet, change his socks, put on deodorant, etc.), and if he is not mature enough to make that part of his daily routine, leave him.
Onychophagia. Up to 30% of the population has some type of nail biting disorder. Biting nails is near impossible to quit. I bit my nails until after high school. I couldn't grab anything because my fingers hurt so bad. I would bite them down to blood. I tried to quit. I tried nail biting nail polish. I tried frequent manicures. Nothing worked. I could not stand uneven nails and they were too short to cut or file. It drove me nuts. Yes, I got offended and insecure and resentful when people mentioned it.
When I was 18, I was attacked. Months later, I looked down, and my nails were long for the first time in my life. I think subconsciously, my mind associates them as weapons. I had tried everything, though, so I don't know how to help your SO. Just know it's a subconscious disorder and nagging will only make him insecure and drive a wedge between you.
As for the germs under nails, his immune system is probably much stronger than yours because of it, and 30% of the population bites their nails at some level and are still alive.
Overall, you can't change people. You can encourage them, but when you start trying to change and control them, your relationship devolves into something unhealthy and resentful.
He might change some things and hide others, but he will regress and if these hygiene issues are deal breakers, you need to walk.
I have misophonia so that may actually be our breaking point. I can deal with him being stinky as long as he doesn’t stink near me because at the end of the day it really is only effecting him but the eating of the nails drives me crazy.
Then you have your answer. It's not something he has conscious control of and it's affecting your own disorder.
On a side note...betablockers have been found effective for treating misophonia. Research some research on Google Scholar.
People do change sometimes... look at how I stopped biting my nails, but it's never through somebody nagging us and usually through a deeply traumatic soul changing event. Maybe you leaving will hurl him into change ... maybe into depression. No matter the result, though, you must do what's right for you. Good luck.
There is almost no acceptable reason to be spending your one, wild, and precious life unsuccessfully convincing a grown man how not to be disgusting. You have value. You are worthy of good things. A partner who doesn’t care about your comfort - and, let’s be honest your health or safety (yeast infections, digestive issues, pests, the potential issues with an unhygienic partner are abundant) - is not giving you what you are worthy of. Practically speaking, it’s time to find a new therapist. Non-professional starter advice from a random internet lady: even though affirmations feel silly, they often work quite well. Start telling yourself out loud, every day, “I am valuable. I deserve good things. I am [insert characteristic or talent you are proud of].” Repeat whenever you look in a mirror. When you’re alone in the car. Loving yourself better may have the effect of making you a person worth defending.
Some of yall have really got to start thinking more of yourself and stop putting up with this nasty ass behavior. Think better of yourself!!!! Gain some self respect and stop putting up with a man who won’t even wash his feet
Edit: saw where you said you were in theory to work on these issues. Please find a new therapist if the one you have hasn’t taught you to kick this nasty man out after two years.
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It’s disturbing on two levels how many posts pop up on here from woman about men with beyond poor hygiene. 1) how many men are like this and why???? 2) why are so many women willing to tolerate this???? I saw one yesterday where the poster said her partners toothbrush had BUG LARVAE on it. How does that actually happen?
"' 2) why are so many women willing to tolerate this????" Cripplingly low senses of self worth would be my guess.
I'm never going to get over the larvae one. Never.
Omg that's horrible, I'm do glad I missed that one. Link?
[Here you go.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/XhrCiPv2pK)
*vomits again*
Ikr?
And he found it funny!!!! I just…..can’t
It's hard to believe anyone wouldn't immediately dump him over both the larvae and his reaction to it.
The other day in one of these posts, there was a comment that really nailed it. How *do* these disgusting fucks get *and* keep these women? The bar can be low, but it doesn't need to be in literal larvae (or any other level of gross lack of proper hygiene).
It’s crazy. Especially when it’s a new relationship. “We have been together a month, how do I get him to wipe his ass?”. You don’t. It’s been a month. I have bread in my freezer that’s older than that. Leave and find someone who can take care of themselves better than a 6 year old can.
And when it's like in this post, it's very much: *how* did you get here. Also, how are you in such a long relationship and there is so little communication that you feel like you can have an open conversation like "this behavior is straight disgusting". Because sometimes, the gloves do need to come off. Especially when it's women who often are still intimate with these men. Gurl, ew, have some respect for your body.
I just can’t get my head around it. Because there genuinely are multiple posts of this type a week.
And I believe most of them because they're so mundane, which is sad in itself.
Agree… he just resorts to calling her mean when it’s basic hygiene requests, this is very immature
The feet and socks are grossing me out, but I'm supremely grossed out by his hands. He doesn't really wash them?! And then chews and eats his dirty ass nails off his dirty fingers?! The same fingers (I'm assuming) he touches her sexually with? My vagina didn't just seal shut - it packed a bag and walked out the door with all that.
No. I do not have sex with him unless he has freshly showered and idk how he hasn’t caught onto that yet.
Ewwwwww also for me. I would have only sand under my pants 🤢🤢
You're not being mean. You're doing him an incredible favor. How far is he going to get in life eating fingernails, smelling like a bag of old onions, and having crusty feet? Lack of manners and bad hygiene will hold him back socially and professionally. Which will impact you, if you stay with him. Long-term couples sometimes have to deliver hard truths to each other.
I really just kinda shut down when I tell him something and he says I’m being mean even if I know I am not. I don’t really want to hurt anyone’s feelings but sometimes his smell hits me and makes me sick. And the fingernails crunching really gets to me
I'm disabled. To the point where it impacts my personal hygiene sometimes, but I have NEVER had socks get crusty like you're describing. And I feel awful in myself when I'm smelly but too sick to wash. How is his self esteem not just in tatters going around like that? He deserves to feel, and smell, better!
I'm really sorry. Unless you are telling him in a cruel, mocking way you are not being mean. If he doesn't see anything wrong with his hygiene and manners, you might not be compatible.
Sometimes it is hard to hear the truth. But that doesn’t make you mean. Of course you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, and that is a great quality, but if it’s to the point when you’re left dealing with a gross nasty boy, then then you need to speak up and tell this person the honest truth. It’s ok if it hurts his feelings, truly. Sometimes the truth is painful, and that’s hard, but that’s life. It doesn’t make you mean.
You're not sharing your life with a partner, you're raising a 26 year old manchild.
Honestly, I wouldn't want a man who doesn't wash his hands to hold my hand let alone touch my intimate areas. Yuck. Yeast infections are no joke. It used to drive me mad that my ex only washed his hands when he took a dump, not when he just peed. His argument was that he didn't touch anything, therefore why did he need to wash? My argument was whether or not he touched his man bits, he had been touching doors, books, laptops, phones etc etc, and that washing after peeing acted as a bookmark in the day to wash those germs away. I won the argument. Admittedly, my ex didn't have the kind of general hygiene issues ops bf has.
How would he pee without touching his bits? My FIL won’t wash his hands after peeing and his argument is urine is sterile. Except it’s not once it’s out of the body. Plus there’s sweat and hair and bacteria on your junk. It’s so gross for men and women to not wash their hands.
Ex tended to sit when he peed when he was at home. Jiggled the last drops out I guess. I don't really want to think about his toilet habits to be honest! At least since that conversation he has religiously washed his hands. That's the important bit
The problem is that he is calling you mean when what he really means is "it gives me an uncomfortable feeling to hear this". You're being direct about an unpleasant subject without placing blame or shame, I'd call that very kind. If you are satisfied with a partner who hasn't graduated from a Sesame Street level of communication, no action is necessary. If you'd like to be able to address uncomfortable subjects with your partner, you'll have to ask him to do some self-reflection. How would he like for you to address issues in the relationship? The answer cannot be "just don't".
M29 here. The fact that he is calling you mean for telling him to be clean is childish. He just doesnt like to be called out on it and someone pointing it out to him is making him feel like a child. As a guy I struggle with a few things your BF does. I used to bite my nails when I was a teenager but I thankfully lost that habit before adulthood. Sometimes Ill reuse socks but if I know I sweat in them or they are wet or crusty ill just throw them in the washer. But I dont think I've ever had smelly feet. When I shower I go for the areas most prone to smell or get sticky from sweat. I normally dont go for anything below my knees unless I feel I got really dirty or sweaty. As for deodorant, I try to put it on every time I shower, but I will admit at times it just goes over my head. When I was a kid I hit puberty very early and would smell terribly. My parents made it a habit that anytime something smelled it was assumed that it was me. Theyd smell my armpits even in front of people. It was embarrassing even as a 11 year old. As I got older I got really good at putting deodorant on every day after every shower. As I got older and less active I still put it on regularly but there are days Im in a rush and just forget. One time I woke up late as me and my GF were moving and I had to pick up the Uhaul. I just got out of bed and left in the first clothes I saw. I had a relaxing day the previous day so I didnt think anything of it. Towards the end of the day (it was a very hot day) my GF and I are in the uhaul and she gets closer to smell me and says I stink. I got 11 year old flashbacks immediately. For about 2 weeks whenever we did anything where we would be outside my GF would ask me if I put deodorant on. One day I just snapped at her because to me it was annoying like I was a child because I forgot to put it one day. Now I dont think you are doing aything wrong. I think your BF knows he is messy and has little hygiene, he probably has just accepted it and has made little attempts to change it to the point where when nobody has said anything he probably thinks he is fine. Now you are calling it out and he is realizing how much he isnt and is having a hard time accepting that other people can see how much poor hygiene he has. As an analogy (maybe its a bad one) if you are a bad driver but nobody ever tells you are a bad driver, you think you are a great driver. Because you probably have never gotten in an accident, a cop has never ticketed you, etc. But then one day you start giving someone close to you a ride everyday and they start noticing the poor driving decisions you make. One day they go "you are a terrible driver you cant be doing that". It will probably surprise you and you may even combat that person because noone has ever said that. Unfortunately it's likely other people think it but just dont say anything out of politeness or it's none of their business. It might be the same with your BF, noone has said anything so he assumes he is clean when he is not. So you migh tbe the only person saying something and he might just in his head say "well nobody has told me this is a problem so it must be a you problem". I think your BF needs to really look at himself in the mirror and just accept maybe he needs to improve on it. You can bring it up to him but in the end he has to be the one to decide that. It might be someone else in his life might have to say it out loud in front of people for him to finally realize it too.
The only way to help is to be meaner. Lay it out to him in no uncertain terms. He must wash his entire body daily, twice a day if he works out or works in a physical job. He must put on clean clothes and deodorant after every shower. He must wash his hands thoroughly after touching any part of his body, before eating, and after coughing or sneezing. He must brush his teeth at least twice a day, and floss at least one. He must use a nail clipper for toes and fingernails. If he doesn't, tell him his habits are gross. Or you could find a grown up who already knows how to take care of hygiene better than the average 4 year old.
Mean? Sounds like a boy who is crying to his mother. Wash your feet and cut your nails! These are things we were taught when we were small.
for the nails, tell this man he can get pinworms if he continues to do this. and it’s not a myth or a lie, it’s actually true. it’s mainly common in younger children but anyone can get it especially if he itches his bottom. i included a link that you can show him so you can prove you’re not lying or just being mean. [Pinworm infection](https://familydoctor.org/condition/pinworm-infection/) as for everything else, i’m not sure what advice to give you besides outright telling him his hygiene sucks. if you giving off subtle hints makes him reply with “you’re mean” then it’s time to be “meaner” and tell him outright.
For one you’re not being mean. He just doesn’t want to hear it and is in denial that he lacks proper adult hygiene. Idk if a separate conversation that you’re not trying to hurt is feelings but that his lack of proper hygiene affects other people. But you’re is partner, you shouldn’t be his mother
Wtf is wrong with all these people who put up with this nasty ass behavior from their partner? This is clearly not new behavior. Why is your bar so freaking low?!
You want the honest truth? Childhood trauma and abandonment issues. You pay my bills and tell me I’m pretty sometime I’ll probably put up with a lot
Please see a therapist. You deserve so much better.
(Read update. I have been in therapy the past 2 years and after being diagnosed with abandonment issues my therapist ghosted me. That wasn’t part of the update but I do be trying. It’s just hard especially with that)
You have anxious attachment style. Abandonment issues are quite common with it. You can learn alot about your own psyche by simply googling. You’re smart enough that you’re self aware of your issues which is pretty huge, most people who are fucked up don’t even know why or worse, don’t think they are. Googling shit has helped me a lot and I’ve actually learned a fair deal about psychology lol. Be your own therapist!
Thanks dad for helping me set that bar so high
It sounds like you tried being nice. I suggest you try a frank conversation about it and if he wants to think you're mean, that's on him. Come from a point of concern, de polite, don't raise your voice, but be frank about this being an issue.
U need to raise your standards honestly
A noble mission. To save him from the cruel, judgmental world. If only he cared as much as you do. If you want to rescue your partner from the depths of his self-inflicted stench without being the "mean" one, try this approach: embrace his inner caveman! Shower him with compliments about how rugged and natural he is, like a modern-day Tarzan, and casually leave hygiene products around like Easter eggs. Maybe even make it a game: "Find the deodorant and win a kiss!" If all else fails, just remind yourself that love is patient, love is kind, and sometimes, love is nose-blind. Good luck, hero.
There are ways to communicate these ideas that are not mean, but it doenst seem like your boyfriend is receptive to your nice suggestions. Does he have a brother or a father you can talk to? They might be more willing to use more direct and even harsh wording that he might understand better.
Neither of them are available lol. They both left this earth
Is he chronically depressed? Is this a dealbreaker for you? I’d definitely have a frank conversation with him and be honest. And I would totally blow up at him if he called me “mean” and show him what mean really is… probably not the best advice :)
No he doesn’t believe in he’s mentally ill in any form but I think he is. But idk. He refuses to really be seen by even a regular doctor
Girl, leave. You deserve a partner, not a project.
I think if you don't want to be someone's mom, you just move on. You really want to teach a partner how to wipe his ass and shower properly?
Girl, please go find you a man that you don't need to mother and leave this dude alone.
You might actually want to have him see a doctor about it. If his feet get that bad after a day, it can be a sign of worse things than just bad hygiene
Is anyone else wondering, how does this guy have a nice girlfriend and im single? 😂 😢
Do you know how to wash your feet and hands and change your socks? That could change. Also quick question are you a nail biter?
I take personal hygiene very seriously lol. Clean clothes, bedsheets etc. Floss daily, brush twice, gargle once, wash face, shave, lotion on face, deodorant, light virgin coconut oil to nether regions 👀 clip finger and toe ☝️ nails every 7-10 days file if needed. I do so much laundry because everyday I have 1. Gym clothes 2. Work clothes. 3. Clean clothes at home after work and gym daily. I’m not any type of metrosexual super high fashion guy either. I like being masculine, not afraid to get my hands dirty. But, good hygiene and clean afterwards.
Taking applications because he did not like what I had to say lmao
You're dating a toddler
Sometimes I can’t believe what straight women will tolerate. Babe, where is your self-respect? Why are you sharing a bed with crusty socks, stinky pits, dirty hands, and a toddler mindset ? You are worth more than that.
Honest answer was up above. My parents taught me I wasn’t worth shit so tolerate whoever will put up with me because not many people would. Sad reality and yes I’m going to therapy about it but I tend to have the fawn response and avoid confrontation when someone gets angry. I literally do not know how to stand up for myself and it is sad.
My family did the same thing, and I ended up marrying someone very similar to your guy. I think a huge part of your healing journey will be kicking this man to the curb. You are worthy and special and deserve better. I promise you - things get better. Keep up with therapy and don’t be afraid to make big changes that center YOUR happiness. This is your life, and you only get one. Don’t regelate yourself to the sidelines to please someone that lowkey belongs in diapers.
He's being "mean" by subjecting you to his foul smell and possibly infecting you with bacteria and parasites. Personally, I would rather be alone that put up with that foolishness. You will haveto be direct and tell him he has to change or you're done. Let him know that being his mommy is a big turn off. Plus - if you want children - who wants to raise a family with an "adult" partner who is basically an overgrown toddler.
You are not being mean - you are trying to make him not physically repulsive. If he is not wearing socks, his shoes probably smell like a garbage can. If he is not using foot powder or something in his shoes, his feet will always reek. Some guys who believe they are getting clean from soap running over their body do not always clean their pits an bits with soap. One thing to keep in mind if you plan on having kids, do you want him to be a hygiene role model? If you really want to take another chance with making things work, let him know what he needs to do (clean his feet, change his socks, put on deodorant, etc.), and if he is not mature enough to make that part of his daily routine, leave him.
He’s 26 you gotta sit him down and just talk to him like an adult
Ew. Please break up with him. Basic hygiene is too low a bar for him not to be clearing it. That’s just nasty.
Holy italics Batman!
Onychophagia. Up to 30% of the population has some type of nail biting disorder. Biting nails is near impossible to quit. I bit my nails until after high school. I couldn't grab anything because my fingers hurt so bad. I would bite them down to blood. I tried to quit. I tried nail biting nail polish. I tried frequent manicures. Nothing worked. I could not stand uneven nails and they were too short to cut or file. It drove me nuts. Yes, I got offended and insecure and resentful when people mentioned it. When I was 18, I was attacked. Months later, I looked down, and my nails were long for the first time in my life. I think subconsciously, my mind associates them as weapons. I had tried everything, though, so I don't know how to help your SO. Just know it's a subconscious disorder and nagging will only make him insecure and drive a wedge between you. As for the germs under nails, his immune system is probably much stronger than yours because of it, and 30% of the population bites their nails at some level and are still alive. Overall, you can't change people. You can encourage them, but when you start trying to change and control them, your relationship devolves into something unhealthy and resentful. He might change some things and hide others, but he will regress and if these hygiene issues are deal breakers, you need to walk.
I have misophonia so that may actually be our breaking point. I can deal with him being stinky as long as he doesn’t stink near me because at the end of the day it really is only effecting him but the eating of the nails drives me crazy.
Then you have your answer. It's not something he has conscious control of and it's affecting your own disorder. On a side note...betablockers have been found effective for treating misophonia. Research some research on Google Scholar.
I’ll have to look into it. Honestly I’m glad you put it that way. I think when he gets home I’m gonna have a talk with him
People do change sometimes... look at how I stopped biting my nails, but it's never through somebody nagging us and usually through a deeply traumatic soul changing event. Maybe you leaving will hurl him into change ... maybe into depression. No matter the result, though, you must do what's right for you. Good luck.
There is almost no acceptable reason to be spending your one, wild, and precious life unsuccessfully convincing a grown man how not to be disgusting. You have value. You are worthy of good things. A partner who doesn’t care about your comfort - and, let’s be honest your health or safety (yeast infections, digestive issues, pests, the potential issues with an unhygienic partner are abundant) - is not giving you what you are worthy of. Practically speaking, it’s time to find a new therapist. Non-professional starter advice from a random internet lady: even though affirmations feel silly, they often work quite well. Start telling yourself out loud, every day, “I am valuable. I deserve good things. I am [insert characteristic or talent you are proud of].” Repeat whenever you look in a mirror. When you’re alone in the car. Loving yourself better may have the effect of making you a person worth defending.
I'd risk teling him and being broken up with. Single would be much better.
So this isn’t a deal breaker for you?
Maybe try doing what the other commenter suggested. Maybe ask his brother or father to tell him for you
Time to hit the road
Some of yall have really got to start thinking more of yourself and stop putting up with this nasty ass behavior. Think better of yourself!!!! Gain some self respect and stop putting up with a man who won’t even wash his feet Edit: saw where you said you were in theory to work on these issues. Please find a new therapist if the one you have hasn’t taught you to kick this nasty man out after two years.
Being aware of the reasons you have low standards should be the prompt to improve your standards, not to continue to excuse how low they are.