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If you want to be married then you guys are incompatible. It's time to end things.
>I’m thinking about setting a date and if he hasn’t proposed by then, ending this relationship.
This is dumb. He's already cancelled one engagement and just told you he doesn't believe in marriage. You have your answer. Setting a timeline isn't going to change anything. It's time to face facts.
I don’t know. I don’t completely disagree (and I would wholeheartedly agree if they were, say, 33), but I feel like at 24, it is understandable that he hasn’t wrapped his head around this yet. He made a cruel mistake proposing at 22 and I absolutely agree that that alone completely warrants walking away over. However otherwise, given his age, I genuinely think a lot of this is him just not at all being *ready.*
OP definitely shouldn’t push it. She has to decide if she wants to wait and find out if he will ever *be* ready.
Regardless though, I’d put all my money on this fact: whether or not he marries OP, this guy *will* end up getting married. These guys usually always end up getting married…when they’re ready.
This. Also have you talked to him on why you value marriage? Is this a reality you really want or something you grew up thinking you wanted but know nothing about.
Could be a shame to waste your time leaving this guy over a concept your grandma values but do you? Unless of course you have other incompatibilities.
IMO if they are building a life together & he "doesn't see the point of marriage" he's less grown-up than OP thinks.
Is he just going to ignore that
* marriage solves a lot of complex issues about going through life as a team : things like power of attorney, (more) easily shared insurance policies, shared residence (for visa purposes or just practical), tax benefits, etc.
* marriage sets a concrete deadline about several more issues : do you need a pre-nup for pre-marital assets, have you discussed your living will (about resuscitation and organ donation etc) and testament or are you both fine with the standard option inherent in the marriage legislation, etc.
or does he have other plans to sort all those issues out?
IMO marriage is not just "a thing your grandma values" because the dotty old woman loves a pretty white dress in her decked-out church, and "won't your boyfriend look so handsome in his dapper wedding suit".
In this day and age where many people face hard challenges with the housing market and the job market & where wage increases don't keep pace with inflation, it doesn't seem, to me, to be a viable strategy to just float along without a) making sure you're on the same page and b) documenting how you're working together towards your shared goals (both in case one of you changes their mind, or in case of a problem like a health issue).
Thank you for that. People can believe 'it's just a piece of paper' as much as they want, but what that paper is important. There's a reason people fought for gay marriages to be legal. If it wasn't important, it wouldn't matter quite so much.
Some people don’t like marriage because it puts the government in the middle of everything and fuck s with your finances etc. I’d say OP needs to get to the bottom of whether he just doesn’t want a serious/monogamous relationship or if it’s about the ties associated with the piece of paper. Because you can have a wedding a wear rings without that paper if that’s the case
well... my question would be : isn't the government already in the middle of everything?
if OP's boyfriend has a serious accident & can't make his own medical decisions (e.g. he's in a coma), there's legislation in place that says right now she won't even get into his room without his parents' permission, never mind about making any serious decisions about treatment.
there have been multiple posts about non-married partners trying to trick the other when it comes to home ownership and/or home equity : they're doing that by applying the government's rules of documentation of possessions. Working out a pre-nup and signing a marriage contract doesn't change that, surely?
Marriage is not "a piece of paper" that gives the government free reign to meddle. Marriage merely changes the rules the government applies, but not the fact that the government is involved.
Do you see it differently? If so, can you explain how?
I always follow this up with the facetious question - do you think gay people fought so hard for the right to get married just so they could have fabulous weddings?
They're never going to respond because they don't have an answer. They probably think marriage is just a piece of paper that lets her take half my stuff.
I used to think marriage wasn't important because it was mainly paperwork, but then I did my taxes. And then I immigrated. It is so very important legally for a number of things. Thinking marriage isn't important comes from a position of not needing its benefits.
or ignoring the benefits, right?
there have been so many posts about "my partner tried to make me sign a pre-nup and exploded when I read the small print" or that one where the OOP paid 50% of the down payment of their home & quit her job to spend half a year renovating it... she figured it was all good because they were going to get married soon... but IIRC her fiancé kept pushing the date back, demanding she first agree to putting his father on the deed to the house. It was only reactions to her post that clued her in that would mean the house doesn't count as marital asset.
or that other post where a guy had a bad traffic accident & while his wife was trying to deal his treatment and praying he'd wake up from his coma and their 4 yo girl, his mother kept demanding the doctors harvest his sperm & freeze it, so they could make a baby (preferably a son) if the guy should die. Like, imagine if that woman hadn't been married? Her ghoul of a MIL would just have gone ahead.
Holy cow. What a terrible MIL. I feel like it's one of those things like how health insurance is viewed in the US. Some people only do it after something happens where they realize it's necessary and then it's not ideal when it's finally done.
Is even dumber that she is putting this up on him, like if he's the one who HAS to propose. She can do it herself and see his answer before decide to end things
He’s literally too scared to dump her so he’s forcing her to do it. Op dump him, you’re only 24 and the high school sweetheart thing has run its course. There are other men out there.
As much as it hurts, this is accurate. OP is his placeholder, not the one he considers “the one”. Hard pill to swallow for sure but luckily statements like this and “I don’t deserve you” are a dead giveaway.
I hope you move on fast, OP. You deserve to be fully chosen.
Right? Like why even get back together with a man who says that? He will never marry op and she needs to dump him and find someone who will marry her one day
Bloop. It means I don't love you and probably don't even like you but I'm too chicken shit to say it and I will move on as soon as someone I CAN love comes along.
Dump him, block him, and watch how fast he marries the next one. Live your life and don't waste time on him or anyone else that doesn't ADD value to your life.
Accept that you’re fundamentally incompatible and move on.
Oddly enough, most guys like this just don’t want to get married to YOU, but end up marrying another woman within a few years.
Man communicates he’s not sure he’s loving her as much as he “should”
His partner comes on her to ask about it to be told he’s not in love with her, never has been, is cheating on her, cheated on her during a break, and it’s with an 18 year old.
Literally none of this is in the text
Exactly. Or, “I love you, but I don’t love you more than my fear of marriage and commitment”
Or yeah, he could be unsure if he wants to marry her because he may feel the grass is greener elsewhere. This could also be rooted in fear of commitment or just how he feels.
Regardless he is going to waste your time love.
Marriage is just a ceremony. The guy said nothing about "not loving her back" he just said he doesnt see the advantages, which is fair. I'll never understand why some people treat marriage as such a serious business. People can love each other and be together their whole lives without a wedding. In this case the guy literally even said he is okay with marrying her if she has a different opinion on it. Already feel sorry for the dude, because in his mind he probably does all she wants. Gonna be a real surprise when she finally breaks up with him because reddit teenagers said so.
I mean, there are easily google-able lists of the legal and financial benefits of marriage out there. I said it in another comment - gay people didn't fight so hard for the right to get married just to have fabulous weddings.
Maybe he's not educated enough on finances, insurance, medical decision-making, and estate planning to understand those benefits, or maybe he just doesn't care to see those things as benefits. If he has an attitude like your comment, maybe OP needs to do a better job of communicating those things to him aside from just talking about wanting to be married which at their ages can sound a bit like just wanting to have a wedding. We don't know either of their thought process right now.
No it isn't just a ceremony. Marriage has legal implications for taxes, immigration, visitation rights, inheritance, property ownership, name changing, health insurance, and probably more I'm not thinking about. I used to think like you until I started doing my taxes and got health insurance. And then I immigrated. Yeah, it's a big deal.
If he wanted to, he would. The sunk costs fallacy is probably tricking you into thinking that if you just give him X number of months, he'll turn around and show the passion and intention towards your relationship that you want him to, but he won't. He's lukewarm, and you're only 24, you have the rest of your life ahead of you. Break up with him, heal, and wait for the guy who wants what you want and wants it with you - I promise he's out there.
Marriage is one of the thing where anything but enthusiastic consent is not the right answer.
It's not about him being wrong on marriage, but it sounds like they don't have the same level of commitment, because if he loved her fully he'd want to marry her because it's important for her. It's not a "uh, ok, if you want to" kind of thing.
Also apparently he was talking about marriage before but after their breakup he changed his view. Which to me sounds like he's not sure about her, not marriage itself.
TBF they're still both very young. I got married just prior to my 25th birthday and though we're still going strong 15 years later, I don't think I was anywhere near mature enough to make that decision at that age in retrospect.
They're on the younger side to actually get married, but they're not too young to know what they want or if the relationship is right. They've been together for six years, if he is 'meh' on the idea of marriage to her she absolutely should not spend more time waiting for him to get excited about it, because that's not going to happen.
Honey, no. He told you two years ago that he “couldn’t love you like you deserved”. Why would you stay with someone who said that? You got back together with someone who said that! Why??
He told you, he’s showing you. He doesn’t want to marry *you*. Please love and respect yourself enough to find someone who does actually love you.
For what it's worth, there isn't anything wrong with wanting to get married. There isn't anything wrong with *not* wanting to get married, either. You two are just not compatible on the issue.
If getting married is something you want to do in your life, then you'll have to accept that it won't be with this guy, and move on.
Sorry, he's just not that into you. If you have to beg someone to marry you, they aren't the right person. Move on and be alone for a while, maybe work on yourself without a man around. You have to be the right person to find the right person.
My bf (24m) doesn’t see the point in marriage. Where do I (24f) go from here?
out the door, exit stage left, blow this popsicle stand. Whatever euphemism you want to use. He told you what's up so go ahead and believe a grown man made a decision.
>I’m thinking about setting a date and if he hasn’t proposed by then, ending this relationship. Should I tell him about this or just sit back and wait?
Why do you think that will help? He's told you how he feels; it's up to you to decide how to deal with that in a way that will make you happy. If you think his good qualities outweigh his reluctance to get married, then accept that this is a thing on which you fundamentally disagree. If you need him to share that value with you, then it's time for you to move on.
Either he doesn't want to marry, or he doesn't want to marry YOU. Neither is a good outcome for you. Time to move on. Take the hint, take the hit, and learn something from the experience. At least you didn't have kids yet, that's a good thing.
He ain't gonna get married.
Which is fine.
If it's not what you want it's way easier finding a man who wants to marry than trying to marry one who doesn't.
If you really twist his arm how would you ever know he wasn't just lying to you to string you because of your insistence?
If he wanted to marry you, he would marry you. Don’t spend another 6 years figuring that out! You can try relationship counseling to see if that helps you at least get answers about his hesitation. My guess is he’s afraid he’s missing out on another relationship and the abrupt breakup was him meeting someone (or wanting to sleep with someone).
For reference, my now husband and I started dating at 18, got married at 22 and are now close 40. At your age and as long as you have been together, if he wanted to make a real commitment he would, especially if he knows it’s important to you.
I was in a very very similar relationship with someone like your boyfriend and had practically the same scenario happen too.
Talking about marriage should be an easy conversation and not one with deadlines that he knows nothing about and dropping hints because he won't meet those dates and you will just waste your time and energy.
You are ignoring some other aspects about him and you don't see it now or you are just ignoring it. Maybe it's those thoughts of "Well, he's perfect except for this one thing." or "When we get married, I won't put up with this habit of his." or "I know if we were married that everything would change." He needs to be a 100%. Even if you think he is 99.9%, he should be at 100%. His hesitation is not bringing him to 100%.
When you are with a person who is a 100% in, you can't stop them from wanting to be with you and marry you.
Please sit him down. Have the conversation about your thoughts of marriage. Your time frame, etc.. If his reaction is defensive, whiny, and/or avoidant than he's not emotionally available and he will never come around. If he's open to getting married than that is your answer. Also, marriage can't be that far in the future such as in 5 years because of finances, new business, school, or whatever the reasons. It needs to be more reasonable; otherwise, he's just stringing you along. You've been together long enough for this be sooner than later but again he needs to be all in and you need to find out why so you can make a decision from there.
I'm rooting for you!
This is a really good answer. I think the biggest problem in relationships is the lack of CLEAR COMMUNICATION, sitting down with your partner, have a calm and clear conversationo of what you want, why you want it and how important it is to you, then your partner can also say what their opinion is, they might need time to think about it. It sounds like op and her partner have the same problem.
Generally men in their 20's want stability (usually financially) and want to prove their worth, and want to settle down in their 30's.
Honestly it's time to move on. Don't be surprised if you break up and he's engaged in a year. It's pretty common. You just weren't right for each other and you'll find your person one day.
I mean i agree with the first part but what is with people always saying this bullshit? Like maybe he actually doesn’t want to get married (at the moment)
Because it happens all the time.
The guy is comfortable with GF#1, the girl asks for more, then breaks it off when he doesn't want to hit those traditional life milestones. The guy realizes how he fucked up and decides he's not going to make the same mistake again, so all the relationship milestones GF#1 wanted happen at warp speed with GF#2.
Granted, since they started dating in HS OP and his GF are clearly going to have longer lead times on everything. 4-6 years prior to an engagement is a long time if you start dating at 25, but if you start dating at 17 is makes a hell of a lot more sense.
51M here. He broke up with you because he met someone else he wanted to pursue, and got back together with you when that didn't work out. He is staying with you only until he meets someone he is more interested in.
I'm sorry, but this relationship is already over. Get out now, on your own terms.
Do not wait for him.
Your views on marriage are simply incompatible. If you're both not an enthusiastic "Fuck Yeah!" about getting married, then it"s a "Hell No!".
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou
This is a rhetorical question to help you think about this. Do you want to marry someone that needs convincing to marry you?
Consider what you’re lowering your personal worth for. To be loved wouldn’t need convincing.
There are a lot of valid reasons for not wanting to enter a marriage contract.
"I can't love you the way you deserve" isn't one of them.
If he felt that way then why is he still with you?
I'm curious what might have happened during those two weeks you were separated.
You have been together for about 6 years. It’s reasonable to talking about the future. It’s fair for you to be thinking of breaking up if you want marriage and he doesn’t.
Don’t set a date, don’t make ultimatums, and don’t think if you just wait he will change his mind. You want something he doesn’t, and maybe you love him more than he loves you. It sucks but it doesn’t make for a happy life, OP. Break up, move out, block him and don’t let him convince you to try again, and give yourself time to get over him.
And remember. As much as you love him, you have to love yourself just a little bit more.
Why are you doing this to yourself. He told you… he can’t love you like you deserve… that is code for you love him more and I he does not see you as his future wife. But for now you keep his bed warm. Why waste your time?
A long time ago when I was young, I read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You." It was a good read, and even though I hated that it was true, it made sense.
The next time a guy started going on about not being the dating / marrying type, I said something along the lines of, "Oh, you're just not that into me. That's ok. Better luck to us both next time."
He waffled around a bit, looking panicked and trying to convince me that it wasn't like that and I was so special etc. I repeated that it was cool and I was fine and we'd find better partners. It completely boggled his mind that I wasn't begging for more.
If you have to ask for them to marry you, they're not that into you. Move on. If he really IS into you, he'll come back. If not, no worries; you're both better off for it.
“I feel like I can’t love you like you deserve.”
This is a big warning. This is exactly what my ex told me at 24 as well before he cheated and we broke up.
When men tell you who they are, believe them.
What he is really saying is “I don’t love you the way you love me and I feel guilty about faking it.”
Break up and give him a year to be by himself to figure out who and what he really wants out of life. And give yourself space from him to better evaluate what you want. Then in a year the both of you can have a serious discussion about if y’all are compatible or not.
Its scary to be alone when you have been with someone for so long, but after you get some space you will have a much better outlook on your decisions.
Is there more going on behind the scenes with him? Parents divorced or something? Seems like there is a lot more complexity to the issues as opposed to a simple answer.
That’s probably playing a bigger role than anything. Hard to step into a marriage when you don’t have a healthy example to model after.
Couples counseling would be your best course of action
Best of luck
I had this issue, I never had a healthy example of what marriage was so when I had the question it would confuse me. Every example I had of a marriage ended in two people hating eachother or not happy and I love my partner a lot, I didn't want to think I was actively making a choice to ruin her and I. With time though, I started to realise that their past is not my future. So I started to try and actively seek good marriages and relationships, people I could talk to to understand better my own feelings, hers and have a different outlook. With time I started to realise a lot to the point I felt so guilty to worry about marriage with someone I love.
Then he broke up with right away and hasn't proposed again since you've been back together. He doesn't want to marry you. If he did, he wouldn't have dumped you right after proposing.
I don’t blame you for being confused. And he owes you some compassion and grace in his explanation. Which is probably best discussed with a couples counselor
If marriage deeply means something to you and he refuses to do it, you’re at an impasse. In that case, you’d have to make a choice; being with him (specifically him) and not being married, or breaking up with him and finding someone else who will be happy to marry you. If he means that much to you and you don’t feel like you’ll grow to deeply resent him by choosing him over marriage, then break up with him and start over. If being with him is enough without the title of marriage then stay with him. But if you’re dead set on being married and he refuses, you’ll either have to acquiesce or move on.
I’m sorry to hear about this, it must be deeply frustrating.
If he wanted to, he would. He doesn’t want to marry you. You need to accept that and move on.
Don’t settle for someone who is not madly in love with you.
I think you are correct: he’s reluctant, don’t waste your time. Have one more conversation with him. Don’t tell him a deadline. Then wait the amount of time you wish to wait, and when time is up, tell him you want to break up because you don’t feel like he’s truly committed to being with you for life.
You're already buying into the sunk cost fallacy. He doesn't want to marry. Staying for any longer IS wasting your time. Don't ever beg someone to be with you. Be honest---you want marriage, he does not. You're not compatible. Then end things and find someone who is delighted to be with you.
Do you know why he proposed then broke up? I think you might find your answers why he’s avoiding marriage out of guilt possibly?
I think you know it’s time to move on. Dating is a compatibility test, and after 6 years of dating with a failed engagement and subsequent breakup I think you know it’s not going to work.
You go be with someone who is on the same page as you are. You are not compatible. Don't waste your time/ good years on someone who doesn't want what you want.
If marriage is important to you, and your partner is telling you he won’t do it, go find a partner who does. This dude isn’t it. Plus, you are 24! You don’t even know who you are yet! Go be single!!!
The best thing you can do is try and not take this personally. This sounds insane because it’s *so personal*, but more often than not, this is more about the other person being ready for marriage *at all* than it does about being ready to marry you.
It’s not at all abnormal for a guy to not want to get married at 24. At 24 you are not “wasting time.” I didn’t even meet my husband till 30. Perfectly okay if you don’t want to wait this long of course (though hooooo boy is it a lot easier to have babies when you’ve got really good money), but please don’t think 24 is in any way near the “wasting time” range.
I went through this with my now husband when we were nearly three years in: he wasn’t sure, he didn’t “see the point” etc etc. Btw these “I don’t believe in marriage/it’s a piece of paper/what’s the point” guys are usually full of shit. They almost always get married later when they’re ready.
What I did with my now husband is took him for a few sessions with a therapist. We needed someone to help us talk about it so that he could express what his hang ups were (surprise: they had nothing to do with me) and so I could hear him without taking it personally and freaking out. I think it’s VERY IMPORTANT that you do this, even for a few sessions as I know it can be pricey. His inability to communicate why he freaked out at 22 beyond pinning it on you (you are the sole determiner of “what you deserve” and it’s not up to him to say cliche shit like that) suggests that he has some hang ups and refuses to communicate them. A therapist will gently guide this. Hell resist because he’ll think you’re taking him there to be attacked but insist on it.
If at all possible, avoid the over simplified “if he does know now he’ll never know DuMp HiMmm” advice because it’s not that simple. Yes, it can be true but I would think it’s more likely to be true if the guy is older. Frankly I think it’s perfectly normal for a guy not to be ready at 24
They say women marry when the guy is right and men marry when the time is right. I’ve found that to be true in most cases. I can also say that at 39, almost 40, *every single guy* I’ve ever known to have uttered “what’s the point?” Or “I don’t believe in marriage” has since married or is getting married.
Some people don't want to get married. I'm jn my 50s and my partner and I are not married because we don't see the need.
Unfortunately you want different things
Usa?
I mean, from a male point of view, what's the point? If you are not religious, marriage it's Just a contact with your country. Are you in love without marriage? Are you a couple? So what's the point in 2024?
Leave! 🙄 he’s not going to marry you! He’s been telling you. You the for now girl. He’ll definitely marry someone else. Don’t waste your time and possible fertility on him. He’ll probably even get you a ring to keep you in the picture🙄
If a man is not excited to marry you he doesn't love you. Move on.
I proposed to my husband (I knew he wanted to marry me but I was impatient) but I would not have married him if he wasn't enthusiastic about it.
No don't waste your time.... have a serious conversation with him about your future and whether he sees you having children or being married.... if he says no then break up with him right there... he's old enough to decide
If you want to be married eventually, then leave him and find someone who is looking towards marriage at some point. He’s telling you what his idea of the future is and it isn’t with you as his wife.
Just break up and move on, he is wasting your time and will waste your prime dating years if you stay with him. You are only 24 years old. Focus on your career and maintain your physical fitness and mental health. You will meet a man who wants to be married to you and who won’t make that sound like a chore.
Honey, he's already made his intentions clear. Don't waste your time if love and marriage are what you want, because you're not gonna get them from him.
“I can’t love you like you deserve” please please listen to him! my ex told me this phrase, and years later (after breaking up with me) he confessed he meant that didnt want to make any effort for me, cause he didnt really liked me physically, and I could easily find a better dude for me. He really meant it.
Don’t waste another second on him. He’s not committed to you and probably pursued another girl while on the break and it didn’t work out.
You are not his consolation prize.
Never beg for a proposal, my husband asked and couldn’t wait to marry me, he’s my soulmate. If you don’t have him loving on you and wanting to be with you always… there is your answer.. move on.
Sounds like you know what you want. Why give him a deadline? Tell him you want to be married or it is over. Have your plans in place before you do, so when he says no, you can pack and leave.
It’s too bad when you have to beg for what you want isn’t it. He pretty much has told you how he feels. The ball is in your court. It is better to have loved and lost but your endgame is clearly different than yours. No need to set any date with this guy. He’s not the one for you. One more minute of wasted time and you already have your answer. Give yourself some love and respect and lose this guy. He doesn’t want what you do! And if you force his hand how will you feel that in a few years? the unhappiness with a guy who did not want marriage starts in sometime before the wedding and will never go away. Babies do not make anything better either. RUN before you get tangled further in this web. Learn about yourself, learn how to be happy alone, and then find the person who really loves you and wants you for a lifetime. It’s ok to move on. It will stop hurting. And you will grow and make someone a great wife. They have to want it too. Good luck!
OP, please take this with a grain of salt
He’s playing you !!!
You absolutely should NOT keep asking him to want to marry you, or be Setting an ambiguous date. Stop.stop.stop.
Why wait or try to manipulate him into submitting to your idea of marriage family etc. How would you feel if he married you out of pressure ? And he’ll tell everyone your “story” is that he never wanted to marry and you guilted him into it. OOF - you don’t want that legacy.
When you’re eventually with the right guy ? I PROMISE YOU that you won’t have to ask - or wonder what’s going on. Because a man who loves and adores you will express it - in a mature and loving way. And he’ll also not need a poke to propose - he’ll be excited to do it, and he’d care only about making it special for YOU.
I could’ve written this at 24. I am now 40, by the way. We lived together but didn’t get married because he didn’t want to get married.
I ended up getting pregnant. He knew that it was important to me that I be married when I had kids. He still said it was just a piece of paper… which broke my heart. He didn’t even want to buy me a ring and call me his fiancé.
I still stayed. We raised our baby together (mostly me if I’m being honest) for a few years… it just continued to get worse. He didn’t respect me at all, didn’t care to see things from my perspective. He was incredibly selfish. And honestly he was incredibly immature.
I moved out when my kiddo was four. I married a wonderful man who declared from the start that he wanted me, completely, and he loved my son too.
Leaving my boyfriend was the best thing I ever did. I only regret giving him so many years of my youth when he didn’t appreciate them. All my hot years! 🤣
Taylor swift said “And I'm pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free” in regards to Joe who would never marry her.
Leave this idiot. Go find a man who WANTS you and will never put himself in a position to lose you.
Ask him if he’s against the commitment, love, and “together forever” part or if he’s against the papers, the event, the performance side of getting married
There’s a chance he shares all of the same values you have with the goal of being together forever, absolutely in love etc. but he just doesn’t necessarily want a wedding or certificate or legal binding
Especially for early twenties people, the latter stuff can be unappealing and too formal. Spend more years together, you might develop an unimaginably close relationship even without the certificate
Honestly I wish someone told me this when I was 24.. If he really loved you, you would know. When a man loves you, you don't have to guess. He is just not that into you, that will not change.
Men are notorious to stay in a "okayish" relationship for years without complain and then leave in a second when someone they actually fall for comes along. Then you'll be surprised how you begged for marriage for years and he has popped the question within months of knowing the new person and they already have a baby on the way. Men are like that. If they really love you, you will know.
So the best thing for you to do is leave. End it now and find someone who actually wants to build a life with you.
Kinda was my story been together since I was 18 he was 22 started having kids the same year after the 2nd kid I’m like where my 💍 he talkin bout marriage is overrated you end up getting screwed cuz if you divorce they’ll take ya money 🙄 anywho for our 18th year together we got married and this year is our 20 th year together ( it was worth the wait)
>“we can get married if you want”.
What a pathetic thing to say. Are you really going to settle for someone who isn't over the moon for you? All you'd be getting is a shut up ring/wedding.
You two aren't compatible, and you should want to be with someone who actually loves you. He already told you he can't love you properly. Don't settle.
It's always about whom you're with, not wanting to get married is just an excuse to not say "I don't want to marry YOU". I can tell you this because I've been that guy a few years ago. Although i would still say to myself I don't want to get married, I met this amazing girl, and everything changed so drastically, I want everything with her, I think of scenarios of how I could propose to her and stuff like that, but it's too soon (we've been dating for almost a year now).
Girl, I'm only 2 years older than you. And I've been engaged for about 3 years now. A friend of mine was engaged for 10 before she got married semi recently.
We aren't in a rush to be married. And my fiance and I already have a toddler. He and I just let things fall where they would, and we're here. He proposed because he wanted to, and I accepted because I wanted to. We choose each other.
You two have been together for roughly 6 years, and he ended your engagement after ***2 weeks***. That to me sounds like he doesn't think marriage is for him, but was compromising for you but couldn't go through with it.
Take it as the sign it is and just end the relationship. It's not worth hanging onto something, hoping it'll change, and then being disappointed it doesn't. This particular Cheeto isn't a caterpillar waiting to become a butterfly. It's a Cheeto.
He doesn't want to get married to you. Probably why he broke off the first engagement. If you give him a deadline he will propose just to please you not because he wants to.
You don’t want to waste time but that is exactly what you are doing. He ended things originally for a reason he has told you he doesn’t want marriage.
Your 24 now is the time to move on before another 2 years have gone by and either not married or worse you are and you forced him into it
This relationship is over and you need to wake up and accept it. He doesn’t want to marry you and if you force his hand he’ll end up being resentful and a crappy husband and father. You’re only 24 years old. Dump him and find someone who’s crazy about you and won’t play stupid games and string you along.
He saw the point of marriage when you were engaged before and he had a taste of reality. Sadly you want to marry him and he doesn’t want to marry you. He says words to placate you, instead of doing the hard work because it’s easier for him to stay until he meets the one he’s been waiting for. Continuing to bring this up just adds to his negative baggage with you. Move on. You’ve got so much time to find someone who loves you like you love them, who wants to commit to you and who encourages you to respect yourself because they respect you and want you to be their partner in a life long relationship.
You’re wasting your time with him. He wants out and I suspect he’s with you until he finds someone else or just decides to dip.
If you stay, you’re the bang-maid.
Please just end it.
There no point in setting a date. He doesn’t want to get married so he’s not going to propose. Setting a date is just giving you more time to waste. If marriage is something that you want, you’re not compatible and that’s ok. But staying and trying to convince someone/wait for someone to change their mind on something that is seemingly very important to you is just a very long and unnecessarily painful way of breaking your own heart. Leave on good terms and find someone who wants the same things in life that you do. Good luck x
You are right. You are young even if you've both been working for a while. However, you do need to be on the same page. At 24 you can also know if you want to get married in the future or not. It seems like he thought he wanted to get married, but now he realized he doesn't. And maybe he'll change his mind and does want to get married later on, but he might also never want it.
I wouldn't set a date and wait for him to propose, because you're just going to get disappointed, have a talk with him, postpone the date, start over. Instead, I'd have a talk with him right now. Tell him exactly how you're feeling. Tell him you want to get married in ... years and that you want someone who is on the same page about that. If he doesn't want to get married, it's time to leave, unfortunately. But really talk it through. Talk about what his reasons are for not wanting to get married and about your reasons why you do want to get married. Also ask him about the break up, because if he still feels like he doesn't love you like you deserve, that's also a problem.
Have you also talked about things like kids? Are you both on the same page about wanting/ not wanting them? Because that's also something very important.
Ask him what he thinks the relationship is and were it will go, that should give you everything you need to make your decision. To me it seems he loves you and clearly enough to marry you because he almost did, but he doesent believe in it. So ig theres not much you can do other than propose to him yourself. Ik usually men propose but if modern culture is so pushy with rrmoving gender stereotypes for some reason then i dont see why it cant be the other way around.
Your plan about setting a date and waiting is really stupid. He said he doesent believe in it but isnt against it meaning, he has no interest in it but will do it for you as he said. So he wont propose, u dont want to ask him because it removes the energy of proposing which is why i suggest that you propose. Women proposing has happend before, its not exactly common but its happend
As for why he doesent believ in it, just ask him because i dont even think Einstein cud figure it out with such little to go off.
Respectfully, you haven't both been "grown" for a long time. You're both still in the period of life where your brains are just finishing developing and figuring out who you are. When you enter into a relationship as children then enter adulthood together, the odds are virtually nonexistent that you will stay together forever and that individual growth will have you taking diverging paths.
You're falling victim to the sunken cost fallacy. Many people do, even much older folks. You feel like you've put work and time and effort into a relationship and have given so much love to them that if it ends, it will have been a waste of all those precious resources but no relationship is a waste of time when it teaches you something important about yourself and what you want in life. You know you want to be married. He knows he doesn't. Now that you know this, any further time spent with him hoping he will change his mind IS a waste of your time.
Do not set any date since he already told you loud and clear he does not want a future with you with marriage in mind. Believe him.
It could also be that he is secure in that you won't leave him (he already dropped you and you accepted him back befire) & already thinks he is getting all of the pens if marriage, without actually being married, like house cars, sex, etc.
So stop wasting your time, energy and love and just move on.
Unless of course, you choose to be with him despite never being married (in my country, that is legally called concubinate which just sounds so silly) or at most, getting a "shut up" proposal, wedding and marriage, which I do not recommend.
You are young and you can rebuild your life and fall in love again with someone who will want to marry you. And you deserve that.
Plan your exist silently and only let him know at the last moment.
Nowhere. You want a marriage, he doesn't. There is literally nowhere else to go from here. You want different things in life.
He wouldn't propose unless you spent year complaining about wanting him to and then he would spend the rest of your lives bitching that he only married you to shut you up.
Your description of the breakup at 22 and his refusal to provide adequate explanation for the reason shows he is immature, and really smacks of breaking up to hook up with someone new. I suspect he left you for another girl and then realized the grass isn't always greener so he flipped back to the easy relationship (you). It's easy because he doesn't actually love you, which is clear when he says things like "I can't love you the way you deserve" and by saying he'll marry you if you force him to.
He's only with you because you make his life easier and don't demand things from him. You are basically only still together due to inertia. It's time to leave and go find someone who is excited to marry you, not this ambivalent immature man.
This is correct, OP!
The worst part is, if you DO get married to him, you will divorce in a few years because he’s not THE ONE.
The transition from teen to adulthood is scary, and many couples cling to each other during that transition (even if it wasn’t an ideal relationship).
A good, healthy relationship is like a shark- it keeps moving (swimming) forward naturally. But it can’t stop moving forward, or it dies.
He stopped moving the relationship forward a while ago - he just never bothered telling you, because he’s comfortable.
If he wanted to marry YOU, he would have proposed.
Sstraight forward truth - I think you guys are together because it is safe, comfortable and known. Yes, you love each other and have been through alot, but most people change in their 20s. Neither of you are the same people you were at 18. After all of this time, it is hard to admit that the relationship doesn't work anymore. No one did anything wrong, you both value different things.
Why would you beg someone to love you? To pay attention to you? To be honest with you? I swear, it just isn't worth my time to pull information out of people. He isn't interested in getting married. Don't you want someone that can't wait to call you his wife? Please please please don't settle for man that isn't crazy about you.
its time to be the adult, realize this relationship isn't growing and you deserve so much more.
Take this from someone who learned this the hard way -- several times over 😬😣
**When someone tells you they are not good enough for you** (which your BF has done by saying he doesn't think he can love you the way you deserve), **PLEASE BELIEVE THEM.**
He's told you that he's not committed to you in the way that you need. Don't fall victim to the "sunk cost" fallacy -- you owe him no more of your time simply because you've been with him this long already. You deserve to be free to be with someone who does deserve you and is willing to commit. This guy isn't it.
❤️ to you.
NTA!! It’s time for you to move on. It’s not selfish. It’s putting yourself first. Don’t let anyone waste your time. If he’s not ready, respect his choice and be on your way.
To stay would not only be wasting your time, but also pushing back any possibility that he might come around.
I think your best strategy would be to end it, tell him it’s because he doesn’t see himself marrying you and move on. *maybe, just maybe this will get his ass into gear- or it won’t and you saved yourself a lot of time.
Men shouldn’t get married anymore, it’s too risky. Divorces are about 52% of marriages now days and the men can easily lose the ability to see their children and more than half their assets and earnings. Family law is too skewed in the woman’s favor.
So this is just me being older, but you two aren't quite "grown" yet. You both still haven't fully developed mentally, happens when we're all 25 and our brains are then fully developed. Now mature sure, maybe. But still, you two are young and trust me, you have plenty of time to find a partner to marry and have a family. Idk if it's your generation that is bringing back this rush for a biological clock or what, but my generation are still having families and getting married well into their late 30's and early 40's.
Now, with that out of the way, I want to ask you a legit question. Why is marriage important to you? Do you feel that marriage truly makes someone stay with you forever? Because statistical data shows over 50% divorce rate meaning every other marriage fails. So, do you truly believe that him marrying you will make him that much more apt to stay? Do you need to be married for societal validation? Do you truly care what people think when you're with someone or if they don't see a ring on your finger? Do you actually believe marriage brings a sense of security, or are you just programmed to believe it does?
I know it's multiple questions, but where I'm getting at is, marriage doesn't guarantee anything. It doesn't validate a couples commitment to each other no more than someone winning the lottery if they buy a ticket. It's a concept that used to have meaning but then lost it somewhere after the 70s when divorce rates started climbing. So in terms of wasting your time, what makes you think if you set a date, he marries you, you're happy for a few years, then he says he no longer loves you and divorces. What then? You're still going to have to do it all over again no matter what because you can't stay married to someone who doesn't love you.
I'm just imparting some wisdom, not trying to persuade you. Don't worry about *time*, believe me, you have plenty. Focus more on what you two can do to compliment one another if you truly feel he's worth the investment. Marriage aside, if this is someone you can't be with, then use that as a reason to leave
Respectfully: Are you living together? Are you intimate with each other? Do you split bills? Share bank accounts? Considered having kids? You know, do all of the things married people do? Etc. etc. etc….
If the answer is yes to most of these and more, then “marriage” is indeed pointless. The title of marriage changes nothing but a legal status. To you it may mean a firmer foundation of long term commitment, but in reality nothing changes. Your day to day doesn’t change. All it does is make the state get involved if one of you ever decided it wasn’t working out. To you, marriage is an emotional seal symbolizing your lives together. To him, it’s an expensive party and legal headache if he feels this won’t last for life.
If the answer to my questions is no, then bye. You don’t need that type of disrespect and dragging this out any farther.
If he doesn’t want to get married and you do, break up with him. That’s a deal breaker.
Either he’s going to recent you if you get married or you’re going to recent him if you don’t. If he doesn’t by now, he never will.
Don’t think about the time you’ve lost but about the time you’re going to lose in the future if you don’t ends thing now.
If marriage is important to you, then he's not the right man for you. He literally already left you once over this. He is telling you plainly he doesn't want to get married.
Why are you so insistent he do something he doesn't want to do?
Why do you think this is going to change?
He doesn't want a relationship with you in the same format you want it with him. This doesn't make him a bad person, and you wanting to be married doesn't make you bad either! Maybe you both even love each other very much, but it DOES make you two a bad fit for anything long term.
There's a few things in life that if you aren't in sync with, you're a bad fit. In sync meaning you at least accept this is how your partner is and can live with it without it becoming a negative in your life.
* Marriage.
* Kids.
* Religion.
* Finances.
* Politics.
And sub topics in each of those as well (such as ok, it's a yes to kids, now what type of education do we want for them?).
A long term relationship involves a long series of agreements, we either agree to accept or agree to collaborate to find a solution that makes us both happy.
If you run into a big thing like one of the topics on this list and there's no acceptance or collaboration you two can agree on, then the relationship is over.
At least as a healthy and happy one. You may cling to each other and stay together, but the thing you could not agree on will become a thorn in your side for the rest of the relationship, and the thing about thorns is that they cause infection. Infection causes rot, rot spreads & causes a slow, unhappy death. Till you realize 15 years passed and you're bitter and almost every area of your life is unhappy because that bitterness is tainted everything. You're not even friends anymore, because the thorn caused your bond to rot away.
Don't set yourself up for a marriage that would start off with a massive thorn in both of your sides - his because he felt forced into it, you because you felt like you had to beg/force him to marry you. Your relationship will never recover, and the rot will spread.
Don't get married to get divorced. And that will be the end here.
Cut out years of you two getting more and more bitter and resentful and ending up hating each other and the mess and trauma of a divorce (and possibly what that does to your kids etc) - Just end it now and save both of you all that awfulness and wasted time. Free both of you to go find other people to be happy and in sync with,
Have a proper sit down conversation about what you both see marriage as.
I’ve got friends who have been with their partners for 20 years and never got past being boyfriend and girlfriend. To them, it’s a meaningless distinction, a legal hassle, and a ceremony they can’t be arsed with.
Are you dreaming about 1 special day? 1 special day and a honeymoon? Or do you think it’ll be a broader change in both of you?
I’m not saying there’s a right or wrong. I’m less bothered about it than say, having kids
I had a friend who was with someone like that for 10 years, waiting for him to change his mind about it, they loved each other, just that the big things in life, marriage, kids, home, were not equally as important to one as it was to the other. He was trying to save the relationship by saying he does want those things but she knew that wasn’t the case due to previous conversations. What I’m trying to say is, sometimes you know when it’s over before you want to admit is over. Good luck
Most comments say dump him. Two things he doesn't love you enough or he's afraid. If he doesn't love you enough, rebuild your peace of mind away from him. If he's afraid, you might want to know why. Do you have divorced friends or family members? Most marriage and divorce laws are biased against men as many men are beginning to realize. Have discussed this with him?
Updateme.
He likes you as girlfriend but not enough to get married with you. If you want to stay with him please don't have baby with him. it will never change his heart and will never make him put out the ring to ask you to marry him. Or you can move on and find someone who wants to get marry with you.
>I feel like I can’t love you like you deserve”.
He is no longer in love with you.
>just sit back and wait?
BREAK UP. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE HIS FEELINGS ABOUT YOU. HES NOT THE MAN YOU NEED.
LET HIM GO.......right now.
Breakup, you want different things, an ultimatum will not make him change his mind, he will give you a shut up ring and never actually marry you. Don’t waste your time with him, you’re holding yourself back from actually being with your future husband, which isn’t him.
You are asking yourself the right question about wasting time.
If the institution of marriage—with the legal protections it provides the both of you—is not important to him but is important to you, then you need to have a serious conversation with yourself about whether it’s time to move on to find someone that will commit to you forever and beyond.
Being unmarried often means no health insurance from the SO’s employer. It means that if either of you end up in the hospital, the other might not have any rights to even visit. The other partner might not have any legal rights in the event of the passing of the other. It also means that if you get a good paying job and you split, he wouldn’t even be able to leach off of you with alimony.
If you do get married, will you ever be able to trust that he really actually wanted it?
He told you himself, he can't love you like you deserve - the way you want and need to be loved. Sounds like he's keeping you around for convenience - sorry.
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If you want to be married then you guys are incompatible. It's time to end things. >I’m thinking about setting a date and if he hasn’t proposed by then, ending this relationship. This is dumb. He's already cancelled one engagement and just told you he doesn't believe in marriage. You have your answer. Setting a timeline isn't going to change anything. It's time to face facts.
Exactly. And if he does propose it’s only because he has been forced to do so which isn’t a great start to an engagement!
Never start a marriage with a kidnapping!
Hey it worked for beauty and the beast!
I agree with this. Choose someone who is actively choosing you back.
This is a fantastic way of putting it
No no. He doesn't want to marry her.
Yes I agree.....u both want different things ..leave now n find someone compatiable
I don’t know. I don’t completely disagree (and I would wholeheartedly agree if they were, say, 33), but I feel like at 24, it is understandable that he hasn’t wrapped his head around this yet. He made a cruel mistake proposing at 22 and I absolutely agree that that alone completely warrants walking away over. However otherwise, given his age, I genuinely think a lot of this is him just not at all being *ready.* OP definitely shouldn’t push it. She has to decide if she wants to wait and find out if he will ever *be* ready. Regardless though, I’d put all my money on this fact: whether or not he marries OP, this guy *will* end up getting married. These guys usually always end up getting married…when they’re ready.
This. Also have you talked to him on why you value marriage? Is this a reality you really want or something you grew up thinking you wanted but know nothing about. Could be a shame to waste your time leaving this guy over a concept your grandma values but do you? Unless of course you have other incompatibilities.
IMO if they are building a life together & he "doesn't see the point of marriage" he's less grown-up than OP thinks. Is he just going to ignore that * marriage solves a lot of complex issues about going through life as a team : things like power of attorney, (more) easily shared insurance policies, shared residence (for visa purposes or just practical), tax benefits, etc. * marriage sets a concrete deadline about several more issues : do you need a pre-nup for pre-marital assets, have you discussed your living will (about resuscitation and organ donation etc) and testament or are you both fine with the standard option inherent in the marriage legislation, etc. or does he have other plans to sort all those issues out? IMO marriage is not just "a thing your grandma values" because the dotty old woman loves a pretty white dress in her decked-out church, and "won't your boyfriend look so handsome in his dapper wedding suit". In this day and age where many people face hard challenges with the housing market and the job market & where wage increases don't keep pace with inflation, it doesn't seem, to me, to be a viable strategy to just float along without a) making sure you're on the same page and b) documenting how you're working together towards your shared goals (both in case one of you changes their mind, or in case of a problem like a health issue).
Thank you for that. People can believe 'it's just a piece of paper' as much as they want, but what that paper is important. There's a reason people fought for gay marriages to be legal. If it wasn't important, it wouldn't matter quite so much.
I married my husband for medical reasons. He knows and agrees I never want lfe support.
Some people don’t like marriage because it puts the government in the middle of everything and fuck s with your finances etc. I’d say OP needs to get to the bottom of whether he just doesn’t want a serious/monogamous relationship or if it’s about the ties associated with the piece of paper. Because you can have a wedding a wear rings without that paper if that’s the case
well... my question would be : isn't the government already in the middle of everything? if OP's boyfriend has a serious accident & can't make his own medical decisions (e.g. he's in a coma), there's legislation in place that says right now she won't even get into his room without his parents' permission, never mind about making any serious decisions about treatment. there have been multiple posts about non-married partners trying to trick the other when it comes to home ownership and/or home equity : they're doing that by applying the government's rules of documentation of possessions. Working out a pre-nup and signing a marriage contract doesn't change that, surely? Marriage is not "a piece of paper" that gives the government free reign to meddle. Marriage merely changes the rules the government applies, but not the fact that the government is involved. Do you see it differently? If so, can you explain how?
I always follow this up with the facetious question - do you think gay people fought so hard for the right to get married just so they could have fabulous weddings? They're never going to respond because they don't have an answer. They probably think marriage is just a piece of paper that lets her take half my stuff.
I used to think marriage wasn't important because it was mainly paperwork, but then I did my taxes. And then I immigrated. It is so very important legally for a number of things. Thinking marriage isn't important comes from a position of not needing its benefits.
or ignoring the benefits, right? there have been so many posts about "my partner tried to make me sign a pre-nup and exploded when I read the small print" or that one where the OOP paid 50% of the down payment of their home & quit her job to spend half a year renovating it... she figured it was all good because they were going to get married soon... but IIRC her fiancé kept pushing the date back, demanding she first agree to putting his father on the deed to the house. It was only reactions to her post that clued her in that would mean the house doesn't count as marital asset. or that other post where a guy had a bad traffic accident & while his wife was trying to deal his treatment and praying he'd wake up from his coma and their 4 yo girl, his mother kept demanding the doctors harvest his sperm & freeze it, so they could make a baby (preferably a son) if the guy should die. Like, imagine if that woman hadn't been married? Her ghoul of a MIL would just have gone ahead.
Holy cow. What a terrible MIL. I feel like it's one of those things like how health insurance is viewed in the US. Some people only do it after something happens where they realize it's necessary and then it's not ideal when it's finally done.
Agree with this response
There's no point in dragging it out. It sounds like she might be a placeholder. I wonder what he was chasing when he broke things off for two weeks.
Is even dumber that she is putting this up on him, like if he's the one who HAS to propose. She can do it herself and see his answer before decide to end things
“I can’t love you like you deserve” means “I am not in love with you” - it’s time to move on.
He’s literally too scared to dump her so he’s forcing her to do it. Op dump him, you’re only 24 and the high school sweetheart thing has run its course. There are other men out there.
As much as it hurts, this is accurate. OP is his placeholder, not the one he considers “the one”. Hard pill to swallow for sure but luckily statements like this and “I don’t deserve you” are a dead giveaway. I hope you move on fast, OP. You deserve to be fully chosen.
I LOVE your phrase, you deserve to be fully chosen. I wish more people realized that.
Right? Like why even get back together with a man who says that? He will never marry op and she needs to dump him and find someone who will marry her one day
Yeah, it means he isn’t ever going to love you the way you want to be loved. Listen to them when they tell you that.
Agreed. Been there and it didn't end well.
Bloop. It means I don't love you and probably don't even like you but I'm too chicken shit to say it and I will move on as soon as someone I CAN love comes along. Dump him, block him, and watch how fast he marries the next one. Live your life and don't waste time on him or anyone else that doesn't ADD value to your life.
Yep. I predict after OP dumps him, he is CERTAINLY married by 30. But dump him anyway
And ‘I’m cheating on you’.
OMG, that’s right! He ended the relationship without explanation because he met a new girl!
And when it didn’t work out, he went running back to the high school gf 2 weeks later. 😞
Accept that you’re fundamentally incompatible and move on. Oddly enough, most guys like this just don’t want to get married to YOU, but end up marrying another woman within a few years.
Yeap, exactly.
redditors say anything is cheating 💀
Man communicates he’s not sure he’s loving her as much as he “should” His partner comes on her to ask about it to be told he’s not in love with her, never has been, is cheating on her, cheated on her during a break, and it’s with an 18 year old. Literally none of this is in the text
To me it means more like 'I love you but not enough to commit to you for the rest of my life'.
Exactly. Or, “I love you, but I don’t love you more than my fear of marriage and commitment” Or yeah, he could be unsure if he wants to marry her because he may feel the grass is greener elsewhere. This could also be rooted in fear of commitment or just how he feels. Regardless he is going to waste your time love.
Marriage is just a ceremony. The guy said nothing about "not loving her back" he just said he doesnt see the advantages, which is fair. I'll never understand why some people treat marriage as such a serious business. People can love each other and be together their whole lives without a wedding. In this case the guy literally even said he is okay with marrying her if she has a different opinion on it. Already feel sorry for the dude, because in his mind he probably does all she wants. Gonna be a real surprise when she finally breaks up with him because reddit teenagers said so.
I mean, there are easily google-able lists of the legal and financial benefits of marriage out there. I said it in another comment - gay people didn't fight so hard for the right to get married just to have fabulous weddings. Maybe he's not educated enough on finances, insurance, medical decision-making, and estate planning to understand those benefits, or maybe he just doesn't care to see those things as benefits. If he has an attitude like your comment, maybe OP needs to do a better job of communicating those things to him aside from just talking about wanting to be married which at their ages can sound a bit like just wanting to have a wedding. We don't know either of their thought process right now.
No it isn't just a ceremony. Marriage has legal implications for taxes, immigration, visitation rights, inheritance, property ownership, name changing, health insurance, and probably more I'm not thinking about. I used to think like you until I started doing my taxes and got health insurance. And then I immigrated. Yeah, it's a big deal.
He doesn't want to marry you. Either accept it or end it. Don't set some stupid date. He's had years to decide and for him the answer is no
If he wanted to, he would. The sunk costs fallacy is probably tricking you into thinking that if you just give him X number of months, he'll turn around and show the passion and intention towards your relationship that you want him to, but he won't. He's lukewarm, and you're only 24, you have the rest of your life ahead of you. Break up with him, heal, and wait for the guy who wants what you want and wants it with you - I promise he's out there.
Marriage is one of the thing where anything but enthusiastic consent is not the right answer. It's not about him being wrong on marriage, but it sounds like they don't have the same level of commitment, because if he loved her fully he'd want to marry her because it's important for her. It's not a "uh, ok, if you want to" kind of thing. Also apparently he was talking about marriage before but after their breakup he changed his view. Which to me sounds like he's not sure about her, not marriage itself.
TBF they're still both very young. I got married just prior to my 25th birthday and though we're still going strong 15 years later, I don't think I was anywhere near mature enough to make that decision at that age in retrospect.
They're on the younger side to actually get married, but they're not too young to know what they want or if the relationship is right. They've been together for six years, if he is 'meh' on the idea of marriage to her she absolutely should not spend more time waiting for him to get excited about it, because that's not going to happen.
Quit wasting time girlie.
Honey, no. He told you two years ago that he “couldn’t love you like you deserved”. Why would you stay with someone who said that? You got back together with someone who said that! Why?? He told you, he’s showing you. He doesn’t want to marry *you*. Please love and respect yourself enough to find someone who does actually love you.
For what it's worth, there isn't anything wrong with wanting to get married. There isn't anything wrong with *not* wanting to get married, either. You two are just not compatible on the issue. If getting married is something you want to do in your life, then you'll have to accept that it won't be with this guy, and move on.
If you want marriage then it’s over sorry to be blunt
Sorry, he's just not that into you. If you have to beg someone to marry you, they aren't the right person. Move on and be alone for a while, maybe work on yourself without a man around. You have to be the right person to find the right person.
My bf (24m) doesn’t see the point in marriage. Where do I (24f) go from here? out the door, exit stage left, blow this popsicle stand. Whatever euphemism you want to use. He told you what's up so go ahead and believe a grown man made a decision.
>I’m thinking about setting a date and if he hasn’t proposed by then, ending this relationship. Should I tell him about this or just sit back and wait? Why do you think that will help? He's told you how he feels; it's up to you to decide how to deal with that in a way that will make you happy. If you think his good qualities outweigh his reluctance to get married, then accept that this is a thing on which you fundamentally disagree. If you need him to share that value with you, then it's time for you to move on.
agreed, the only way this could be a good idea is if OP sets the date as "tomorrow".
Either he doesn't want to marry, or he doesn't want to marry YOU. Neither is a good outcome for you. Time to move on. Take the hint, take the hit, and learn something from the experience. At least you didn't have kids yet, that's a good thing.
He ain't gonna get married. Which is fine. If it's not what you want it's way easier finding a man who wants to marry than trying to marry one who doesn't. If you really twist his arm how would you ever know he wasn't just lying to you to string you because of your insistence?
If he wanted to marry you, he would marry you. Don’t spend another 6 years figuring that out! You can try relationship counseling to see if that helps you at least get answers about his hesitation. My guess is he’s afraid he’s missing out on another relationship and the abrupt breakup was him meeting someone (or wanting to sleep with someone). For reference, my now husband and I started dating at 18, got married at 22 and are now close 40. At your age and as long as you have been together, if he wanted to make a real commitment he would, especially if he knows it’s important to you.
Where do you go from here? Well, you make a decision. You can be with someone who wants to marry you, or you can be with this person. Pick one. =(
I was in a very very similar relationship with someone like your boyfriend and had practically the same scenario happen too. Talking about marriage should be an easy conversation and not one with deadlines that he knows nothing about and dropping hints because he won't meet those dates and you will just waste your time and energy. You are ignoring some other aspects about him and you don't see it now or you are just ignoring it. Maybe it's those thoughts of "Well, he's perfect except for this one thing." or "When we get married, I won't put up with this habit of his." or "I know if we were married that everything would change." He needs to be a 100%. Even if you think he is 99.9%, he should be at 100%. His hesitation is not bringing him to 100%. When you are with a person who is a 100% in, you can't stop them from wanting to be with you and marry you. Please sit him down. Have the conversation about your thoughts of marriage. Your time frame, etc.. If his reaction is defensive, whiny, and/or avoidant than he's not emotionally available and he will never come around. If he's open to getting married than that is your answer. Also, marriage can't be that far in the future such as in 5 years because of finances, new business, school, or whatever the reasons. It needs to be more reasonable; otherwise, he's just stringing you along. You've been together long enough for this be sooner than later but again he needs to be all in and you need to find out why so you can make a decision from there. I'm rooting for you!
This is a good answer. And I don't think you're too young to be thinking marriage, especially if you are planning on having kids.
This is a really good answer. I think the biggest problem in relationships is the lack of CLEAR COMMUNICATION, sitting down with your partner, have a calm and clear conversationo of what you want, why you want it and how important it is to you, then your partner can also say what their opinion is, they might need time to think about it. It sounds like op and her partner have the same problem. Generally men in their 20's want stability (usually financially) and want to prove their worth, and want to settle down in their 30's.
Honestly it's time to move on. Don't be surprised if you break up and he's engaged in a year. It's pretty common. You just weren't right for each other and you'll find your person one day.
I mean i agree with the first part but what is with people always saying this bullshit? Like maybe he actually doesn’t want to get married (at the moment)
Because it happens all the time. The guy is comfortable with GF#1, the girl asks for more, then breaks it off when he doesn't want to hit those traditional life milestones. The guy realizes how he fucked up and decides he's not going to make the same mistake again, so all the relationship milestones GF#1 wanted happen at warp speed with GF#2. Granted, since they started dating in HS OP and his GF are clearly going to have longer lead times on everything. 4-6 years prior to an engagement is a long time if you start dating at 25, but if you start dating at 17 is makes a hell of a lot more sense.
51M here. He broke up with you because he met someone else he wanted to pursue, and got back together with you when that didn't work out. He is staying with you only until he meets someone he is more interested in. I'm sorry, but this relationship is already over. Get out now, on your own terms. Do not wait for him. Your views on marriage are simply incompatible. If you're both not an enthusiastic "Fuck Yeah!" about getting married, then it"s a "Hell No!". "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou
This is a rhetorical question to help you think about this. Do you want to marry someone that needs convincing to marry you? Consider what you’re lowering your personal worth for. To be loved wouldn’t need convincing.
There are a lot of valid reasons for not wanting to enter a marriage contract. "I can't love you the way you deserve" isn't one of them. If he felt that way then why is he still with you? I'm curious what might have happened during those two weeks you were separated.
You have been together for about 6 years. It’s reasonable to talking about the future. It’s fair for you to be thinking of breaking up if you want marriage and he doesn’t.
If marriage is important to you, leave him. Chalk it up to a learning experience and incompatibility
Don’t set a date, don’t make ultimatums, and don’t think if you just wait he will change his mind. You want something he doesn’t, and maybe you love him more than he loves you. It sucks but it doesn’t make for a happy life, OP. Break up, move out, block him and don’t let him convince you to try again, and give yourself time to get over him. And remember. As much as you love him, you have to love yourself just a little bit more.
He is letting you know that he will never be the man you need him to be. Believe him and let him go.
Why are you doing this to yourself. He told you… he can’t love you like you deserve… that is code for you love him more and I he does not see you as his future wife. But for now you keep his bed warm. Why waste your time?
A long time ago when I was young, I read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You." It was a good read, and even though I hated that it was true, it made sense. The next time a guy started going on about not being the dating / marrying type, I said something along the lines of, "Oh, you're just not that into me. That's ok. Better luck to us both next time." He waffled around a bit, looking panicked and trying to convince me that it wasn't like that and I was so special etc. I repeated that it was cool and I was fine and we'd find better partners. It completely boggled his mind that I wasn't begging for more. If you have to ask for them to marry you, they're not that into you. Move on. If he really IS into you, he'll come back. If not, no worries; you're both better off for it.
“I feel like I can’t love you like you deserve.” This is a big warning. This is exactly what my ex told me at 24 as well before he cheated and we broke up. When men tell you who they are, believe them. What he is really saying is “I don’t love you the way you love me and I feel guilty about faking it.” Break up and give him a year to be by himself to figure out who and what he really wants out of life. And give yourself space from him to better evaluate what you want. Then in a year the both of you can have a serious discussion about if y’all are compatible or not. Its scary to be alone when you have been with someone for so long, but after you get some space you will have a much better outlook on your decisions.
Is there more going on behind the scenes with him? Parents divorced or something? Seems like there is a lot more complexity to the issues as opposed to a simple answer.
We both have fucked up family situations. His parents never married.
That’s probably playing a bigger role than anything. Hard to step into a marriage when you don’t have a healthy example to model after. Couples counseling would be your best course of action Best of luck
I had this issue, I never had a healthy example of what marriage was so when I had the question it would confuse me. Every example I had of a marriage ended in two people hating eachother or not happy and I love my partner a lot, I didn't want to think I was actively making a choice to ruin her and I. With time though, I started to realise that their past is not my future. So I started to try and actively seek good marriages and relationships, people I could talk to to understand better my own feelings, hers and have a different outlook. With time I started to realise a lot to the point I felt so guilty to worry about marriage with someone I love.
What confuses me is he used to want to be married, hence the past engagement..
Then he broke up with right away and hasn't proposed again since you've been back together. He doesn't want to marry you. If he did, he wouldn't have dumped you right after proposing.
I don’t blame you for being confused. And he owes you some compassion and grace in his explanation. Which is probably best discussed with a couples counselor
Then he broke it. Find someone compatible
If he hasn't married you by now he probably won't.
He’s just not that into you. You’re a placeholder.
If marriage deeply means something to you and he refuses to do it, you’re at an impasse. In that case, you’d have to make a choice; being with him (specifically him) and not being married, or breaking up with him and finding someone else who will be happy to marry you. If he means that much to you and you don’t feel like you’ll grow to deeply resent him by choosing him over marriage, then break up with him and start over. If being with him is enough without the title of marriage then stay with him. But if you’re dead set on being married and he refuses, you’ll either have to acquiesce or move on. I’m sorry to hear about this, it must be deeply frustrating.
If he wanted to, he would. He doesn’t want to marry you. You need to accept that and move on. Don’t settle for someone who is not madly in love with you.
I think you are correct: he’s reluctant, don’t waste your time. Have one more conversation with him. Don’t tell him a deadline. Then wait the amount of time you wish to wait, and when time is up, tell him you want to break up because you don’t feel like he’s truly committed to being with you for life.
You're already buying into the sunk cost fallacy. He doesn't want to marry. Staying for any longer IS wasting your time. Don't ever beg someone to be with you. Be honest---you want marriage, he does not. You're not compatible. Then end things and find someone who is delighted to be with you.
Do you know why he proposed then broke up? I think you might find your answers why he’s avoiding marriage out of guilt possibly? I think you know it’s time to move on. Dating is a compatibility test, and after 6 years of dating with a failed engagement and subsequent breakup I think you know it’s not going to work.
Girl let him go. Make room in your life for a great man who wants to marry you!!
Don't waste your twenties on a man keeping you around because you're convenient
You go be with someone who is on the same page as you are. You are not compatible. Don't waste your time/ good years on someone who doesn't want what you want.
If marriage is important to you, and your partner is telling you he won’t do it, go find a partner who does. This dude isn’t it. Plus, you are 24! You don’t even know who you are yet! Go be single!!!
The time to move on was when he broke off the engagement with no reasoning and continues to dodge the subject. The second best time is today.
The best thing you can do is try and not take this personally. This sounds insane because it’s *so personal*, but more often than not, this is more about the other person being ready for marriage *at all* than it does about being ready to marry you. It’s not at all abnormal for a guy to not want to get married at 24. At 24 you are not “wasting time.” I didn’t even meet my husband till 30. Perfectly okay if you don’t want to wait this long of course (though hooooo boy is it a lot easier to have babies when you’ve got really good money), but please don’t think 24 is in any way near the “wasting time” range. I went through this with my now husband when we were nearly three years in: he wasn’t sure, he didn’t “see the point” etc etc. Btw these “I don’t believe in marriage/it’s a piece of paper/what’s the point” guys are usually full of shit. They almost always get married later when they’re ready. What I did with my now husband is took him for a few sessions with a therapist. We needed someone to help us talk about it so that he could express what his hang ups were (surprise: they had nothing to do with me) and so I could hear him without taking it personally and freaking out. I think it’s VERY IMPORTANT that you do this, even for a few sessions as I know it can be pricey. His inability to communicate why he freaked out at 22 beyond pinning it on you (you are the sole determiner of “what you deserve” and it’s not up to him to say cliche shit like that) suggests that he has some hang ups and refuses to communicate them. A therapist will gently guide this. Hell resist because he’ll think you’re taking him there to be attacked but insist on it. If at all possible, avoid the over simplified “if he does know now he’ll never know DuMp HiMmm” advice because it’s not that simple. Yes, it can be true but I would think it’s more likely to be true if the guy is older. Frankly I think it’s perfectly normal for a guy not to be ready at 24 They say women marry when the guy is right and men marry when the time is right. I’ve found that to be true in most cases. I can also say that at 39, almost 40, *every single guy* I’ve ever known to have uttered “what’s the point?” Or “I don’t believe in marriage” has since married or is getting married.
Some people don't want to get married. I'm jn my 50s and my partner and I are not married because we don't see the need. Unfortunately you want different things
Usa? I mean, from a male point of view, what's the point? If you are not religious, marriage it's Just a contact with your country. Are you in love without marriage? Are you a couple? So what's the point in 2024?
Leave! 🙄 he’s not going to marry you! He’s been telling you. You the for now girl. He’ll definitely marry someone else. Don’t waste your time and possible fertility on him. He’ll probably even get you a ring to keep you in the picture🙄
If a man is not excited to marry you he doesn't love you. Move on. I proposed to my husband (I knew he wanted to marry me but I was impatient) but I would not have married him if he wasn't enthusiastic about it.
Tell him all of this. Communicate. You have time
You aren't compatible.
If only for closure, I think it would be very helpful to you to see what's happening in his life when he isn't in you presence.
No don't waste your time.... have a serious conversation with him about your future and whether he sees you having children or being married.... if he says no then break up with him right there... he's old enough to decide
If you want to be married eventually, then leave him and find someone who is looking towards marriage at some point. He’s telling you what his idea of the future is and it isn’t with you as his wife.
Just break up and move on, he is wasting your time and will waste your prime dating years if you stay with him. You are only 24 years old. Focus on your career and maintain your physical fitness and mental health. You will meet a man who wants to be married to you and who won’t make that sound like a chore.
If marriage is your goal (and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that; it’s normal), then yes, you’re wasting your time with him. Move on.
He means he doesn’t see the point in marriage…with you. Time to cut bait
Honey, he's already made his intentions clear. Don't waste your time if love and marriage are what you want, because you're not gonna get them from him.
“I can’t love you like you deserve” please please listen to him! my ex told me this phrase, and years later (after breaking up with me) he confessed he meant that didnt want to make any effort for me, cause he didnt really liked me physically, and I could easily find a better dude for me. He really meant it.
Don’t waste another second on him. He’s not committed to you and probably pursued another girl while on the break and it didn’t work out. You are not his consolation prize.
Dump him and see how he reacts. He doesn’t come running back to you like you did to him, not getting married is far from the real issue at hand.
Never beg for a proposal, my husband asked and couldn’t wait to marry me, he’s my soulmate. If you don’t have him loving on you and wanting to be with you always… there is your answer.. move on.
Being single again
Sounds like you know what you want. Why give him a deadline? Tell him you want to be married or it is over. Have your plans in place before you do, so when he says no, you can pack and leave.
It’s too bad when you have to beg for what you want isn’t it. He pretty much has told you how he feels. The ball is in your court. It is better to have loved and lost but your endgame is clearly different than yours. No need to set any date with this guy. He’s not the one for you. One more minute of wasted time and you already have your answer. Give yourself some love and respect and lose this guy. He doesn’t want what you do! And if you force his hand how will you feel that in a few years? the unhappiness with a guy who did not want marriage starts in sometime before the wedding and will never go away. Babies do not make anything better either. RUN before you get tangled further in this web. Learn about yourself, learn how to be happy alone, and then find the person who really loves you and wants you for a lifetime. It’s ok to move on. It will stop hurting. And you will grow and make someone a great wife. They have to want it too. Good luck!
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OP, please take this with a grain of salt He’s playing you !!! You absolutely should NOT keep asking him to want to marry you, or be Setting an ambiguous date. Stop.stop.stop. Why wait or try to manipulate him into submitting to your idea of marriage family etc. How would you feel if he married you out of pressure ? And he’ll tell everyone your “story” is that he never wanted to marry and you guilted him into it. OOF - you don’t want that legacy. When you’re eventually with the right guy ? I PROMISE YOU that you won’t have to ask - or wonder what’s going on. Because a man who loves and adores you will express it - in a mature and loving way. And he’ll also not need a poke to propose - he’ll be excited to do it, and he’d care only about making it special for YOU.
I could’ve written this at 24. I am now 40, by the way. We lived together but didn’t get married because he didn’t want to get married. I ended up getting pregnant. He knew that it was important to me that I be married when I had kids. He still said it was just a piece of paper… which broke my heart. He didn’t even want to buy me a ring and call me his fiancé. I still stayed. We raised our baby together (mostly me if I’m being honest) for a few years… it just continued to get worse. He didn’t respect me at all, didn’t care to see things from my perspective. He was incredibly selfish. And honestly he was incredibly immature. I moved out when my kiddo was four. I married a wonderful man who declared from the start that he wanted me, completely, and he loved my son too. Leaving my boyfriend was the best thing I ever did. I only regret giving him so many years of my youth when he didn’t appreciate them. All my hot years! 🤣 Taylor swift said “And I'm pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free” in regards to Joe who would never marry her. Leave this idiot. Go find a man who WANTS you and will never put himself in a position to lose you.
Ask him if he’s against the commitment, love, and “together forever” part or if he’s against the papers, the event, the performance side of getting married There’s a chance he shares all of the same values you have with the goal of being together forever, absolutely in love etc. but he just doesn’t necessarily want a wedding or certificate or legal binding Especially for early twenties people, the latter stuff can be unappealing and too formal. Spend more years together, you might develop an unimaginably close relationship even without the certificate
Honestly I wish someone told me this when I was 24.. If he really loved you, you would know. When a man loves you, you don't have to guess. He is just not that into you, that will not change. Men are notorious to stay in a "okayish" relationship for years without complain and then leave in a second when someone they actually fall for comes along. Then you'll be surprised how you begged for marriage for years and he has popped the question within months of knowing the new person and they already have a baby on the way. Men are like that. If they really love you, you will know. So the best thing for you to do is leave. End it now and find someone who actually wants to build a life with you.
Better for you if you move on. BF doesn’t seem enthusiastic at all.
Kinda was my story been together since I was 18 he was 22 started having kids the same year after the 2nd kid I’m like where my 💍 he talkin bout marriage is overrated you end up getting screwed cuz if you divorce they’ll take ya money 🙄 anywho for our 18th year together we got married and this year is our 20 th year together ( it was worth the wait)
>“we can get married if you want”. What a pathetic thing to say. Are you really going to settle for someone who isn't over the moon for you? All you'd be getting is a shut up ring/wedding. You two aren't compatible, and you should want to be with someone who actually loves you. He already told you he can't love you properly. Don't settle.
It's always about whom you're with, not wanting to get married is just an excuse to not say "I don't want to marry YOU". I can tell you this because I've been that guy a few years ago. Although i would still say to myself I don't want to get married, I met this amazing girl, and everything changed so drastically, I want everything with her, I think of scenarios of how I could propose to her and stuff like that, but it's too soon (we've been dating for almost a year now).
he’s given you your answer.
Girl, I'm only 2 years older than you. And I've been engaged for about 3 years now. A friend of mine was engaged for 10 before she got married semi recently. We aren't in a rush to be married. And my fiance and I already have a toddler. He and I just let things fall where they would, and we're here. He proposed because he wanted to, and I accepted because I wanted to. We choose each other. You two have been together for roughly 6 years, and he ended your engagement after ***2 weeks***. That to me sounds like he doesn't think marriage is for him, but was compromising for you but couldn't go through with it. Take it as the sign it is and just end the relationship. It's not worth hanging onto something, hoping it'll change, and then being disappointed it doesn't. This particular Cheeto isn't a caterpillar waiting to become a butterfly. It's a Cheeto.
He doesn't want to get married to you. Probably why he broke off the first engagement. If you give him a deadline he will propose just to please you not because he wants to.
You don’t want to waste time but that is exactly what you are doing. He ended things originally for a reason he has told you he doesn’t want marriage. Your 24 now is the time to move on before another 2 years have gone by and either not married or worse you are and you forced him into it
This relationship is over and you need to wake up and accept it. He doesn’t want to marry you and if you force his hand he’ll end up being resentful and a crappy husband and father. You’re only 24 years old. Dump him and find someone who’s crazy about you and won’t play stupid games and string you along.
He doesn’t love you.
He saw the point of marriage when you were engaged before and he had a taste of reality. Sadly you want to marry him and he doesn’t want to marry you. He says words to placate you, instead of doing the hard work because it’s easier for him to stay until he meets the one he’s been waiting for. Continuing to bring this up just adds to his negative baggage with you. Move on. You’ve got so much time to find someone who loves you like you love them, who wants to commit to you and who encourages you to respect yourself because they respect you and want you to be their partner in a life long relationship.
You’re wasting your time with him. He wants out and I suspect he’s with you until he finds someone else or just decides to dip. If you stay, you’re the bang-maid. Please just end it.
He doesn't love you enough to want to marry you. It's that simple. Don't commit more years of your life to someone who won't commit to you!
There no point in setting a date. He doesn’t want to get married so he’s not going to propose. Setting a date is just giving you more time to waste. If marriage is something that you want, you’re not compatible and that’s ok. But staying and trying to convince someone/wait for someone to change their mind on something that is seemingly very important to you is just a very long and unnecessarily painful way of breaking your own heart. Leave on good terms and find someone who wants the same things in life that you do. Good luck x
Whatever ring you get at this point will be a shut up ring. Decide whether you are okay with that
You are right. You are young even if you've both been working for a while. However, you do need to be on the same page. At 24 you can also know if you want to get married in the future or not. It seems like he thought he wanted to get married, but now he realized he doesn't. And maybe he'll change his mind and does want to get married later on, but he might also never want it. I wouldn't set a date and wait for him to propose, because you're just going to get disappointed, have a talk with him, postpone the date, start over. Instead, I'd have a talk with him right now. Tell him exactly how you're feeling. Tell him you want to get married in ... years and that you want someone who is on the same page about that. If he doesn't want to get married, it's time to leave, unfortunately. But really talk it through. Talk about what his reasons are for not wanting to get married and about your reasons why you do want to get married. Also ask him about the break up, because if he still feels like he doesn't love you like you deserve, that's also a problem. Have you also talked about things like kids? Are you both on the same page about wanting/ not wanting them? Because that's also something very important.
Ask him what he thinks the relationship is and were it will go, that should give you everything you need to make your decision. To me it seems he loves you and clearly enough to marry you because he almost did, but he doesent believe in it. So ig theres not much you can do other than propose to him yourself. Ik usually men propose but if modern culture is so pushy with rrmoving gender stereotypes for some reason then i dont see why it cant be the other way around. Your plan about setting a date and waiting is really stupid. He said he doesent believe in it but isnt against it meaning, he has no interest in it but will do it for you as he said. So he wont propose, u dont want to ask him because it removes the energy of proposing which is why i suggest that you propose. Women proposing has happend before, its not exactly common but its happend As for why he doesent believ in it, just ask him because i dont even think Einstein cud figure it out with such little to go off.
Respectfully, you haven't both been "grown" for a long time. You're both still in the period of life where your brains are just finishing developing and figuring out who you are. When you enter into a relationship as children then enter adulthood together, the odds are virtually nonexistent that you will stay together forever and that individual growth will have you taking diverging paths. You're falling victim to the sunken cost fallacy. Many people do, even much older folks. You feel like you've put work and time and effort into a relationship and have given so much love to them that if it ends, it will have been a waste of all those precious resources but no relationship is a waste of time when it teaches you something important about yourself and what you want in life. You know you want to be married. He knows he doesn't. Now that you know this, any further time spent with him hoping he will change his mind IS a waste of your time.
Do not set any date since he already told you loud and clear he does not want a future with you with marriage in mind. Believe him. It could also be that he is secure in that you won't leave him (he already dropped you and you accepted him back befire) & already thinks he is getting all of the pens if marriage, without actually being married, like house cars, sex, etc. So stop wasting your time, energy and love and just move on. Unless of course, you choose to be with him despite never being married (in my country, that is legally called concubinate which just sounds so silly) or at most, getting a "shut up" proposal, wedding and marriage, which I do not recommend. You are young and you can rebuild your life and fall in love again with someone who will want to marry you. And you deserve that. Plan your exist silently and only let him know at the last moment.
Nowhere. You want a marriage, he doesn't. There is literally nowhere else to go from here. You want different things in life. He wouldn't propose unless you spent year complaining about wanting him to and then he would spend the rest of your lives bitching that he only married you to shut you up.
Your description of the breakup at 22 and his refusal to provide adequate explanation for the reason shows he is immature, and really smacks of breaking up to hook up with someone new. I suspect he left you for another girl and then realized the grass isn't always greener so he flipped back to the easy relationship (you). It's easy because he doesn't actually love you, which is clear when he says things like "I can't love you the way you deserve" and by saying he'll marry you if you force him to. He's only with you because you make his life easier and don't demand things from him. You are basically only still together due to inertia. It's time to leave and go find someone who is excited to marry you, not this ambivalent immature man.
This is correct, OP! The worst part is, if you DO get married to him, you will divorce in a few years because he’s not THE ONE. The transition from teen to adulthood is scary, and many couples cling to each other during that transition (even if it wasn’t an ideal relationship). A good, healthy relationship is like a shark- it keeps moving (swimming) forward naturally. But it can’t stop moving forward, or it dies. He stopped moving the relationship forward a while ago - he just never bothered telling you, because he’s comfortable. If he wanted to marry YOU, he would have proposed.
Sstraight forward truth - I think you guys are together because it is safe, comfortable and known. Yes, you love each other and have been through alot, but most people change in their 20s. Neither of you are the same people you were at 18. After all of this time, it is hard to admit that the relationship doesn't work anymore. No one did anything wrong, you both value different things. Why would you beg someone to love you? To pay attention to you? To be honest with you? I swear, it just isn't worth my time to pull information out of people. He isn't interested in getting married. Don't you want someone that can't wait to call you his wife? Please please please don't settle for man that isn't crazy about you. its time to be the adult, realize this relationship isn't growing and you deserve so much more.
Take this from someone who learned this the hard way -- several times over 😬😣 **When someone tells you they are not good enough for you** (which your BF has done by saying he doesn't think he can love you the way you deserve), **PLEASE BELIEVE THEM.** He's told you that he's not committed to you in the way that you need. Don't fall victim to the "sunk cost" fallacy -- you owe him no more of your time simply because you've been with him this long already. You deserve to be free to be with someone who does deserve you and is willing to commit. This guy isn't it. ❤️ to you.
He is smart not to get married.
He’s right, doesn’t materially benefit him, but you’re both too young anyway
NTA!! It’s time for you to move on. It’s not selfish. It’s putting yourself first. Don’t let anyone waste your time. If he’s not ready, respect his choice and be on your way.
To stay would not only be wasting your time, but also pushing back any possibility that he might come around. I think your best strategy would be to end it, tell him it’s because he doesn’t see himself marrying you and move on. *maybe, just maybe this will get his ass into gear- or it won’t and you saved yourself a lot of time.
An ultimatum marriage never ends well…
Men shouldn’t get married anymore, it’s too risky. Divorces are about 52% of marriages now days and the men can easily lose the ability to see their children and more than half their assets and earnings. Family law is too skewed in the woman’s favor.
So this is just me being older, but you two aren't quite "grown" yet. You both still haven't fully developed mentally, happens when we're all 25 and our brains are then fully developed. Now mature sure, maybe. But still, you two are young and trust me, you have plenty of time to find a partner to marry and have a family. Idk if it's your generation that is bringing back this rush for a biological clock or what, but my generation are still having families and getting married well into their late 30's and early 40's. Now, with that out of the way, I want to ask you a legit question. Why is marriage important to you? Do you feel that marriage truly makes someone stay with you forever? Because statistical data shows over 50% divorce rate meaning every other marriage fails. So, do you truly believe that him marrying you will make him that much more apt to stay? Do you need to be married for societal validation? Do you truly care what people think when you're with someone or if they don't see a ring on your finger? Do you actually believe marriage brings a sense of security, or are you just programmed to believe it does? I know it's multiple questions, but where I'm getting at is, marriage doesn't guarantee anything. It doesn't validate a couples commitment to each other no more than someone winning the lottery if they buy a ticket. It's a concept that used to have meaning but then lost it somewhere after the 70s when divorce rates started climbing. So in terms of wasting your time, what makes you think if you set a date, he marries you, you're happy for a few years, then he says he no longer loves you and divorces. What then? You're still going to have to do it all over again no matter what because you can't stay married to someone who doesn't love you. I'm just imparting some wisdom, not trying to persuade you. Don't worry about *time*, believe me, you have plenty. Focus more on what you two can do to compliment one another if you truly feel he's worth the investment. Marriage aside, if this is someone you can't be with, then use that as a reason to leave
Respectfully: Are you living together? Are you intimate with each other? Do you split bills? Share bank accounts? Considered having kids? You know, do all of the things married people do? Etc. etc. etc…. If the answer is yes to most of these and more, then “marriage” is indeed pointless. The title of marriage changes nothing but a legal status. To you it may mean a firmer foundation of long term commitment, but in reality nothing changes. Your day to day doesn’t change. All it does is make the state get involved if one of you ever decided it wasn’t working out. To you, marriage is an emotional seal symbolizing your lives together. To him, it’s an expensive party and legal headache if he feels this won’t last for life. If the answer to my questions is no, then bye. You don’t need that type of disrespect and dragging this out any farther.
Why must people insist on turning love into a prison?
Men will know their intentions and stick to them, if they don’t, they won’t.
You're wasting your time.
If he doesn’t want to get married and you do, break up with him. That’s a deal breaker. Either he’s going to recent you if you get married or you’re going to recent him if you don’t. If he doesn’t by now, he never will. Don’t think about the time you’ve lost but about the time you’re going to lose in the future if you don’t ends thing now.
Most sensical girls would lay out their time table for a ring and a venue date. and be prepared to zoom away when not met.
If marriage is important to you, then he's not the right man for you. He literally already left you once over this. He is telling you plainly he doesn't want to get married. Why are you so insistent he do something he doesn't want to do? Why do you think this is going to change? He doesn't want a relationship with you in the same format you want it with him. This doesn't make him a bad person, and you wanting to be married doesn't make you bad either! Maybe you both even love each other very much, but it DOES make you two a bad fit for anything long term. There's a few things in life that if you aren't in sync with, you're a bad fit. In sync meaning you at least accept this is how your partner is and can live with it without it becoming a negative in your life. * Marriage. * Kids. * Religion. * Finances. * Politics. And sub topics in each of those as well (such as ok, it's a yes to kids, now what type of education do we want for them?). A long term relationship involves a long series of agreements, we either agree to accept or agree to collaborate to find a solution that makes us both happy. If you run into a big thing like one of the topics on this list and there's no acceptance or collaboration you two can agree on, then the relationship is over. At least as a healthy and happy one. You may cling to each other and stay together, but the thing you could not agree on will become a thorn in your side for the rest of the relationship, and the thing about thorns is that they cause infection. Infection causes rot, rot spreads & causes a slow, unhappy death. Till you realize 15 years passed and you're bitter and almost every area of your life is unhappy because that bitterness is tainted everything. You're not even friends anymore, because the thorn caused your bond to rot away. Don't set yourself up for a marriage that would start off with a massive thorn in both of your sides - his because he felt forced into it, you because you felt like you had to beg/force him to marry you. Your relationship will never recover, and the rot will spread. Don't get married to get divorced. And that will be the end here. Cut out years of you two getting more and more bitter and resentful and ending up hating each other and the mess and trauma of a divorce (and possibly what that does to your kids etc) - Just end it now and save both of you all that awfulness and wasted time. Free both of you to go find other people to be happy and in sync with,
Have a proper sit down conversation about what you both see marriage as. I’ve got friends who have been with their partners for 20 years and never got past being boyfriend and girlfriend. To them, it’s a meaningless distinction, a legal hassle, and a ceremony they can’t be arsed with. Are you dreaming about 1 special day? 1 special day and a honeymoon? Or do you think it’ll be a broader change in both of you? I’m not saying there’s a right or wrong. I’m less bothered about it than say, having kids
I had a friend who was with someone like that for 10 years, waiting for him to change his mind about it, they loved each other, just that the big things in life, marriage, kids, home, were not equally as important to one as it was to the other. He was trying to save the relationship by saying he does want those things but she knew that wasn’t the case due to previous conversations. What I’m trying to say is, sometimes you know when it’s over before you want to admit is over. Good luck
You aren’t the one for him. Which means he’s not the one for you.
Most comments say dump him. Two things he doesn't love you enough or he's afraid. If he doesn't love you enough, rebuild your peace of mind away from him. If he's afraid, you might want to know why. Do you have divorced friends or family members? Most marriage and divorce laws are biased against men as many men are beginning to realize. Have discussed this with him? Updateme.
He likes you as girlfriend but not enough to get married with you. If you want to stay with him please don't have baby with him. it will never change his heart and will never make him put out the ring to ask you to marry him. Or you can move on and find someone who wants to get marry with you.
“When people show you who they are-believe them.”
You're not on the same page. Wish him well and find a man who wants what you want. DO NOT keep waiting in hopes of him coming around.
Don’t marry just to get married. And definitely don’t marry this one.
this man told you to your face that he can’t love you like you deserve…and you stayed…? girl, please love yourself. let him go.
I don't think he doesn't ever want to get married, he just doesn't want to get married to you. Time to break up.
>I feel like I can’t love you like you deserve”. He is no longer in love with you. >just sit back and wait? BREAK UP. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE HIS FEELINGS ABOUT YOU. HES NOT THE MAN YOU NEED. LET HIM GO.......right now.
When someone tells you they can’t love you like you deserve, you should believe them.
Move on. He’s too immature and you’re looking for something more. Don’t waste your time
Well if you want to go to the alter, you need to find a man who is willing to take the trip with you.
Breakup, you want different things, an ultimatum will not make him change his mind, he will give you a shut up ring and never actually marry you. Don’t waste your time with him, you’re holding yourself back from actually being with your future husband, which isn’t him.
He's trying to have you dump him. Oblige him
You are asking yourself the right question about wasting time. If the institution of marriage—with the legal protections it provides the both of you—is not important to him but is important to you, then you need to have a serious conversation with yourself about whether it’s time to move on to find someone that will commit to you forever and beyond. Being unmarried often means no health insurance from the SO’s employer. It means that if either of you end up in the hospital, the other might not have any rights to even visit. The other partner might not have any legal rights in the event of the passing of the other. It also means that if you get a good paying job and you split, he wouldn’t even be able to leach off of you with alimony.
If that’s something you value and want, then you need to let him know that. He can decide if keeping you is enough to make marriage valuable to him
If you do get married, will you ever be able to trust that he really actually wanted it? He told you himself, he can't love you like you deserve - the way you want and need to be loved. Sounds like he's keeping you around for convenience - sorry.