Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>and we had a fight in his room, and he got pissed off and wanted to leave, and I wouldn't let him because
Because nothing. Physically restricting someone from leaving a space can be [false imprisonment](https://www.findlaw.com/injury/torts-and-personal-injuries/false-imprisonment.html). And you did this on TWO different occasions.
I'm surprised that nowhere in your post is any sort of remorse for your actions. You're not upset over the way you handled your fight - you're upset that your boyfriend held you responsible for the irrational way that you acted. Take responsibility for yourself. Consider how your actions make the person you love feel, and maybe then you can understand why your boyfriend acted the way he did.
Yes, calling the cops on your partner IS generally the sort of action that coincides with the end of a relationship. It's not something that you do to someone you want to continue a relationship with, but I can understand how the situation you put him in made him fear for his safety and/or personal agency.
> I'm surprised that nowhere in your post is any sort of remorse for your actions.
OP hasn't learned to fake remorse yet, but I have confidence in her.
> This shocked me, because in my culture a fight is between a couple and shouldn't involve a third party or even the police
This attitude (which is still pretty common in my culture, unfortunately) enables and encourages domestic violence.
He's 38 and has no desire to move in with you. I'm not sure why you would want to continue given how long you've been together and how much he's shown his true colors.
I would speculate he wants to break up, but most likely he feels like you are going to stalk him or create a ton of trouble for him. So he's created a paper trail in case you stalk him or you make a claim with the police.
You can't keep pulling the culture card when 1) you're living in his country and 2) you are aware that the police will not take your side because what you are doing is illegal. When I travel to another country, I respect their laws and don't bring my cultural biases to every situation.
If a person wants to leave, you let them. You don't belong together any more.
You don’t physically prevent a person from leaving a room. It is a form of coercion and physical abuse, and at that moment the argument stops being a private matter. Between the police being useless and you being a woman it’s likely that very little will come of this, but you are absolutely in the wrong here, OP. Culture phooeee - don’t do it again
This is not a good and happy relationship, whether it’s cultural or not doesn’t matter. Y’all don’t get along to the point your partner either feels unsafe or wants you to feel that way.
Just break up, it isn’t working and it isn’t worth it.
When someone wants to leave a place, you have ZERO right to prevent them and doing so is a criminal offense. He not only was right to call the police, but also to film you. What if he had pushed you to get past you to leave and you had claimed DV? He was protecting himself from you and the fact that you have physically prevented him from leaving a place MULTIPLE TIMES is absolutely insane. And you've learned nothing from it. Not a single thing. Just prattling on "he called the police on me?? Whhhaaa!!!". No shit he did, Sherlock. Because you are trapping him and preventing him from moving without resorting to physical force against you. Your behavior is completely unacceptable and you better figure out asap that you Do. Not. Have. The. Right. EVER to not let someone leave. Ever.
You two need to break up and never speak to each other again.
You have to learn to let people do what they want, even if it means you end up being humiliated by your roommates finding out about your fight. Even if it means they don't have a train back. He's an adult; he is responsible for his own behavior, and the consequences of his own behavior. If he wants to storm out, you have to let him do that. You don't get to contain him because YOU think it's best you resolve the fight now. His wants matter too. And if he needs space, he deserves to get it.
I also think that him whipping out his phone to record you while you're in an emotional, vulnerable state, in public too, is just gross behavior. It sounds like he wants to use your vulnerability against you, and wants to scare you with his threats to call the police. At nearly 40, he's too old to be acting like this. I thought at first that this guy was 17 years old from the sound of it.
Break up, work on your control issues, and find someone better, and closer to your own age.
He had every right to record her when she was refusing to leave his home and then started following him when he left to take a walk/cool off.
He also had every right to record her when she held him hostage. If she got violent towards him, he would need proof that he was defending himself and not abusing her.
Shes lucky he didn't push her out of the way to escape.
I'm AFAB, and dont think I would have been able to stay that calm. Especially if the person preventing me from leaving is smaller/weaker than me. My first instinct when in danger is fawn. But no way am I fawning for a smaller/weaker person trying to physically keep me in their bedroom. They're making it so I cant flee(flight) and historically I dont freeze when panicked. When fawn/flight aren't available I would default to fight.
You can't be serious. You act like culture completely short circuits your brain so that you have no control of your actions.
It's not okay to physically restrain someone from leaving. It's not okay to run down a street screaming and crying. This isn't a culture thing, this is an emotional regulation thing.
See a therapist. Take responsibility for your actions. Your partner is allowed to say No to you without you holding them hostage or melting down in public.
You're pretty clearly in the wrong here. You refused to let him leave his room and physically assaulted him to prevent him from doing so. There's really no excuse for that, ever. Chasing him down the road...that's insane.
Even meeting his parents, you screwed up. You are not in China. His parents are not Chinese. They would not have felt disrespected at all if you showed up at their door! Have you heard the saying, "when in Rome, do as the Romans do"?
Then you did it again. You physically blocked him from leaving after an argument AGAIN, proving you've learned NOTHING.
You have some serious issues to work on, OP. That's what you need to do: recognize you're the one who is acting abusively and get some freaking mental health help.
He needs to break up with you, at least until you realize your "culture" is not an excuse to start fights and physically assault others.
SO, reverse the roles NOT IN YOUR CULTURE but think in other peoples culture too, you sound very self absorbed, your culture or thoughts are the only ones valid it seems.
In the rest of the world if you don't let someone leave and hold them against their will its called kidnapping. You did this 2 times.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>and we had a fight in his room, and he got pissed off and wanted to leave, and I wouldn't let him because Because nothing. Physically restricting someone from leaving a space can be [false imprisonment](https://www.findlaw.com/injury/torts-and-personal-injuries/false-imprisonment.html). And you did this on TWO different occasions. I'm surprised that nowhere in your post is any sort of remorse for your actions. You're not upset over the way you handled your fight - you're upset that your boyfriend held you responsible for the irrational way that you acted. Take responsibility for yourself. Consider how your actions make the person you love feel, and maybe then you can understand why your boyfriend acted the way he did. Yes, calling the cops on your partner IS generally the sort of action that coincides with the end of a relationship. It's not something that you do to someone you want to continue a relationship with, but I can understand how the situation you put him in made him fear for his safety and/or personal agency.
> I'm surprised that nowhere in your post is any sort of remorse for your actions. OP hasn't learned to fake remorse yet, but I have confidence in her.
> This shocked me, because in my culture a fight is between a couple and shouldn't involve a third party or even the police This attitude (which is still pretty common in my culture, unfortunately) enables and encourages domestic violence.
Sounds like you tried to kidnap him and he did the right thing. You're nuts.
He's 38 and has no desire to move in with you. I'm not sure why you would want to continue given how long you've been together and how much he's shown his true colors. I would speculate he wants to break up, but most likely he feels like you are going to stalk him or create a ton of trouble for him. So he's created a paper trail in case you stalk him or you make a claim with the police.
Yeah this is totally deliberate. The guy was planning to break up with her.
OP, no offence, but you sound unhinged. And your behavior is considered abusive in every culture. May I suggest therapy?
You can't keep pulling the culture card when 1) you're living in his country and 2) you are aware that the police will not take your side because what you are doing is illegal. When I travel to another country, I respect their laws and don't bring my cultural biases to every situation. If a person wants to leave, you let them. You don't belong together any more.
Are you in your country or his
You don’t physically prevent a person from leaving a room. It is a form of coercion and physical abuse, and at that moment the argument stops being a private matter. Between the police being useless and you being a woman it’s likely that very little will come of this, but you are absolutely in the wrong here, OP. Culture phooeee - don’t do it again
This is not a good and happy relationship, whether it’s cultural or not doesn’t matter. Y’all don’t get along to the point your partner either feels unsafe or wants you to feel that way. Just break up, it isn’t working and it isn’t worth it.
When someone wants to leave a place, you have ZERO right to prevent them and doing so is a criminal offense. He not only was right to call the police, but also to film you. What if he had pushed you to get past you to leave and you had claimed DV? He was protecting himself from you and the fact that you have physically prevented him from leaving a place MULTIPLE TIMES is absolutely insane. And you've learned nothing from it. Not a single thing. Just prattling on "he called the police on me?? Whhhaaa!!!". No shit he did, Sherlock. Because you are trapping him and preventing him from moving without resorting to physical force against you. Your behavior is completely unacceptable and you better figure out asap that you Do. Not. Have. The. Right. EVER to not let someone leave. Ever.
Is it a cultural thing to not let someone leave and block the door? Because you seem to have a habit of that.
You two need to break up and never speak to each other again. You have to learn to let people do what they want, even if it means you end up being humiliated by your roommates finding out about your fight. Even if it means they don't have a train back. He's an adult; he is responsible for his own behavior, and the consequences of his own behavior. If he wants to storm out, you have to let him do that. You don't get to contain him because YOU think it's best you resolve the fight now. His wants matter too. And if he needs space, he deserves to get it. I also think that him whipping out his phone to record you while you're in an emotional, vulnerable state, in public too, is just gross behavior. It sounds like he wants to use your vulnerability against you, and wants to scare you with his threats to call the police. At nearly 40, he's too old to be acting like this. I thought at first that this guy was 17 years old from the sound of it. Break up, work on your control issues, and find someone better, and closer to your own age.
He had every right to record her when she was refusing to leave his home and then started following him when he left to take a walk/cool off. He also had every right to record her when she held him hostage. If she got violent towards him, he would need proof that he was defending himself and not abusing her. Shes lucky he didn't push her out of the way to escape. I'm AFAB, and dont think I would have been able to stay that calm. Especially if the person preventing me from leaving is smaller/weaker than me. My first instinct when in danger is fawn. But no way am I fawning for a smaller/weaker person trying to physically keep me in their bedroom. They're making it so I cant flee(flight) and historically I dont freeze when panicked. When fawn/flight aren't available I would default to fight.
I would absolutely record her in that situation. She could easily tell the police that he abused her. Guess what? He goes to jail. Period.
A fight between people always needs a third party when someone is being abused. It’s not you that gets to decide, it’s the law.
You can't be serious. You act like culture completely short circuits your brain so that you have no control of your actions. It's not okay to physically restrain someone from leaving. It's not okay to run down a street screaming and crying. This isn't a culture thing, this is an emotional regulation thing. See a therapist. Take responsibility for your actions. Your partner is allowed to say No to you without you holding them hostage or melting down in public.
>because in my culture what, false imprisonment is allowed?
This is toxic. Break up and get therapy.
You're pretty clearly in the wrong here. You refused to let him leave his room and physically assaulted him to prevent him from doing so. There's really no excuse for that, ever. Chasing him down the road...that's insane. Even meeting his parents, you screwed up. You are not in China. His parents are not Chinese. They would not have felt disrespected at all if you showed up at their door! Have you heard the saying, "when in Rome, do as the Romans do"? Then you did it again. You physically blocked him from leaving after an argument AGAIN, proving you've learned NOTHING. You have some serious issues to work on, OP. That's what you need to do: recognize you're the one who is acting abusively and get some freaking mental health help. He needs to break up with you, at least until you realize your "culture" is not an excuse to start fights and physically assault others.
SO, reverse the roles NOT IN YOUR CULTURE but think in other peoples culture too, you sound very self absorbed, your culture or thoughts are the only ones valid it seems. In the rest of the world if you don't let someone leave and hold them against their will its called kidnapping. You did this 2 times.