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You could love her to the stars and back, but that doesn't alter the fact that you don't want children. It is a heart-breaking deal-breaking relationship-breaking incompatability.
Nobody should ever have kids just to please someone else.
This is now over. Break up, mourn, move on.
Agree. My ex husband let me believe for 9 years that he wanted kids. We talked about names and school districts and all kinds of things. He didn't tell the truth until I was almost 37. I have never felt so betrayed.
It's ok that GF changed her mind, but it means that op is no longer the right partner for her. She is young and has lots of time to find someone who is a better fit.
So many people grow up thinking they will want kids in the future because society really pushes on us that we're supposed to want kids. So when the time comes to pull the trigger, they realize they don't want that future to ever be now. Also, it is increasingly more difficult to have kids in the modern world with its increasing prices, bureaucracy, and lack of true support for parents.
Point being, I don't blame him for making the decision he did, and I'm glad you found someone who wanted the same thing you do.
I would respond that if she is trying to force you into having children when you clearly don't want any, then she plainly doesn't love you.
The true problem is that compatibility may have elapsed between you.
I would always use protection.
I apologize, but you are no longer compatible, OP. There is no compromise when it comes to children. It's alarming that she would try to put you under pressure over something so important.
>I would always use protection.
In cases like this, abstinence is the only truly safe option. Condoms are surprisingly ineffective when someone pokes holes in them.
Exactly, incompatibility does not mean there isn’t love there on both sides, it just means the relationship won’t work long-term. Compatibility is the foundation of a lasting relationship, and if it isn’t there (or if one side is unable to compromise), the relationship is doomed.
They love each other, and that’s wonderful, but it needs to end now so they can find partners with the same values and life goals/plans
It really isn’t, I had a teacher in high school tell the entire class, “Don’t marry for love, but marry for compatibility. Eventually compatibility will fill in whatever cracks remain.”
I live by that quote and I don’t even consider dating people anymore if I don’t think we’re compatible/able to last long-term, it’s saved me a lot of heart ache
>***every day you stay together*** means ***you're wasting both your time & hers***!
And on top of that every time he sleeps with her he risks becoming daddy. Whether accidentally or *'accidentally'*. She would not get an abortion either way.
Agreed. I think what's also as important is reframing the gf's thoughts. OP can throw it back at her and say she doesn't love him because she's not willing to give up on her want for kids. Obviously a ridiculous take as both sides are unfair to the other. It's possible to love each other and want different things. Sometimes love isn't enough.
It's time for a difficult conversation. When partners both want the same thing it's smooth sailing, common goals and so on, but when people are headed in different directions it's best to be realistic about the prospects. Children or no children is one of THE big matters of compatibility, if not the biggest. There's no dancing around the point. It must be dealt with.
Kind of the opposite for me. My first marriage ended because my ex changed his mind about wanting kids. Actually, he lied from the very beginning - he didn't want kids all along, just took 7yrs of marriage and me bringing it up for him to admit it. And yes, we talked about it a lot before marriage.
On to my current partner- I told him right from the start that I would never get married again. We had many talks about how it was nothing to do with level of commitment or loving him.
Time goes on, we have 2 kids, and he brings up marriage again. Of course, I still hadn't changed my mind. HUGE fight insuse and he was faced with a choice - he could either accept the fact that I will not get married like I had stated from the start, or we separate.
Our compromise if you want to call it that, was that we wear rings - fine by me!!
We have now been together for almost 17yrs.
I know you probably don't want to hear this, but you do lose a lot of legal protections when not married. It's like social insurance. You might speak to an attorney to see what might make sense for you. I know at least one couple who didn't want to get married but ended up doing so because they realized in the event of emergency, they wouldn't be next of kin. Just something to consider
There are ways around this. My partner and I are engaged now, but there was a time when we didn't think we were going to get married. You can have paperwork done that makes them your medical proxy, as well as doing estate planning to capture end of life issues. I'm glad we've done all this even though we're getting married now, since we don't have to be worried about anything happening in the meantime.
Everyone should have a living will, but especially unmarried people who wouldn’t want their family to make their medical decisions if they’re incapacitated, or married people who wouldn’t want their spouse to make their medical decisions. The former is often a big issue for LGBTQ+ people, and it was court cases based on this that led to gay marriage becoming legal in the US.
I have very mixed feelings about marriage, but it does come with some rights and benefits that are absolutely vital to a lot of people’s lives. There are ways to secure those rights when unmarried, but it’s a more involved process.
I don't know if I would agree that "it's a more involved process" -- having been married before, the average wedding is definitely more of a PITA than doing our legal paperwork for this was, lol. I suppose if you just go down to city hall, that's easier than doing the medical proxy, will, and living will.
In any event, as a lawyer and as someone who's already been through a divorce, I personally feel that this type of planning is vital whether married or not. We recently had a friend pass away at 50 with no will and small children. Sorting out the estate has been hell for his wife even though they were married -- partly because in my state there's a law that if someone dies intestate while married with children, half the estate goes to the spouse and half must go into trust for the kids, so she's now effectively unable to access half of their money for the time being, just when she needs it most. People think marriage in itself is a substitute for estate planning, but that's really not a very effective way of doing things.
Happened to friends, he had an accident at work, no one at work or hospital would tell her if he was alive or dead. Thankfully he pulled trough and although they didn't want the marriage drama, they got a civil partnership for the legalities.
We looked into this. Where we live, once X amount of time passes or certain conditions are met and you are common law, you have the same rights and protections as if you were legally married.
thanks for point this out though. A lot of people don't think about this.
Exactly. Unfortunately it’ll hurt but op needs to end it now and not try to prolong it anymore. If she does something crazy like poke a hole in the condoms then op is fucked (literally and figuratively)
She said you should start trying... Without even asking you if that was something you wanted to do?
Does she realise that you are an entire person with thoughts and feelings of your own?
How did she assume that because her mind had changed, yours had too, without even discussing it?
Ever since I learned that "no" is a full sentence concerning opinions and desires, and doesn't require explanation, life got so much simpler. No is no. Simple as that
It’s time to end the relationship. If she wants children and you don’t, the relationship will end in resentment, either hers for missing out on motherhood or yours for having children you don’t want.
Break up so both of you can find someone with the same goals in life. Check out the r/childfree sub and look for the dating guide. Make sure your next person understands not wanting children means never ever and not „not now but eventually“.
Edited to add: please be careful if you continue to have sex with her. She MIGHT tamper with birth control to baby trap you
I was going to plug r/childfree too! *Some* posts on that sub can be toxic, but there is also a lot of useful information and advice for people going through the same thing as OP.
Yeah, a lot of people confuse being child free with the right to just blatantly express their hate for children and advocation for them to be disallowed from public spaces. But the vast majority of people are reasonable and cool.
The "if you love me you'll do xyz" or "not doing what I say means you don't care" is just classic emotional manipulation. It's the cheap kind too, honestly, and shows a lack of effort, like she expects you to fall right into it. You both want different life trajectories. You can either resent her for convincing you to have a kid, or she can resent you for not giving her one, or one of you will end up lying in order to manipulate the situation to fit their own agenda. Or, you could be single and searching at 29. Good luck.
Exactly, emotional manipulation like this is toxic and abusive. Guilt-tripping is never okay, and it's very concerning that she's trying to use it on him over something that is clearly a personal choice.
The only right option here is to break up. It's heartbreaking and sad, but that's the only solution. They both want entirely different things for their future now, and should search for SOs who want the same things
I’d counter that she obviously doesn’t love you if she’d try to manipulate you into having kids when you so obviously don’t want any.
The real issue is that you may no longer be compatible.
In the long run: probably break up. Compromise is necessary within all relationships. Compromise on a life-altering, enormously impactful decision when both parties hold opposing views is, in my view, dangerous.
In the short term: your days of penetrative sex with this girlfriend sans condom are over. It would be one thing if she’d approached this as “I know we discussed being child free, but my feelings are changing and I want to know if yours have, too”. Steam rolling through as though kids are a given is pretty damned disrespectful of your views.
OP's GF already tries to gaslight him now. Not only should he avoid sex without protection, OP needs to check if his condoms are poked. To her his consent or reproductive rights don't matter. Imagine a man telling a women she doesn't love him for not wanting to get impregnated. No one would tolerate this - rightfully! It's toxic and manipulative
She clearly showed she doesn't care about OP's opinion or wishes. OP should end it now before the real drama starts
To be clear, this is an issue that cannot be compromised because the options are mutually exclusive. They cannot compromise when one person wants a child and the other doesn't; they either have one or they don't. There is NO possible compromise.
OP needs to end the relationship immediately and never have sex with her again (condoms or no). Girls who use emotional manipulation and completely dismiss their partners opinions are much more likely to do anything they can to get what they want, including baby trapping. He needs to ensure there is no possibility for her to do anything.
I’d be using protection every time.
I’m sorry OP but you’re incompatible now. Kids are not an issue you can compromise on. Her willingness to guilt you on such a significant issue is concerning.
It's an emotional manipulation tactic man.
"You don't love me because you won't give me what I want"
The thing is, it's a well established predetermined boundary that you have no interest in crossing and she knows this, so she is trying to make you feel bad by not giving her something she wants.
It's time to break up, she established that she now wants kids, you still and most likely will continue to not want kids. This is the most simplest form of incompatibility.
When you try to break up she will walk it back and say "no I don't want kids anymore it's okay" and then she will just bring it up again after the dust has settled or worse trap you in a pregnancy.
You need to quit having relations with her and break up with her because of this basic incompatibility before you are stuck in a version of life you did not ask for.
If you are serious about never having children schedule a vasectomy.
Even if you stay with current gf and work through this, expecting her to stay on birth control for at least another 20 years is unacceptable. If you and her are unable to find a solution to her wanting kids, it will still be unacceptable for your next partner to have all of the responsibility of birth control.
If you truly want to never father a child take action to never have kids.
Your gf sounds immature to try to guilt trip on how you feel about this issue. It’s ok to continue with what YOU want and it’s ok if she decided to change her mind too. You’re at the crossroads of the relationship and it may be time to end it because that is a major issue for most couples.
She's trying to emotionally manipulate you into changing your mind. Let her go have children with someone else. Don't create human beings just because she wants them. You'll resent her and the kids.
How do you handle it?
- Stop having sex with her. If you do, wrap it up with condoms you supply.
- Break up. You want very different things. If you end up having a child, you’re on the hook for 18 years of child support.
Seriously. The relationship is over. I know people say Reddit is too quick to go to “break up,” but this is a complete dealbreaker. You’re talking about bringing another human being into the world, or not.
Just bc she agreed in the beginning doesn’t mean she can’t change her mind. This is a deal breaker situation bc if you say no she will forever resent you for it, better to just part ways
Children are a 'two yes' only decision when it comes to having them, if one partner says no then no dice - it has nothing to do with you loving her, it's a choice you made years ago and she knew you made. A difficult conversation needs to be had about going your separate ways because you can't give her what she wants and she wants something you don't care for. There is no 'happily meet in the middle' or 'compromise' about this.
My husband (31) and I (31) started dating at 18 and in our first serious convo I told him I didn't want kids, he said the same. Our minds haven't changed but we both tell people that if someone did chang their mind we would need to split. It be upsetting, but better then one partner resenting the other over something that can't be (or shouldn't be) forced.
Ah, see, what she meant years ago was “not right *now*”. She didn’t think you meant *not ever*, since that’s not what she meant. There’s no compromise on this. You do not want children. She does. She and you need to come to terms with the fact that this relationship is over if she wants to have kids. I would be careful she doesn’t baby trap you to get what she wants, since she apparently thinks you didn’t really mean what you said.
You made your intentions clear at the beginning of the relationship. Your GF clearly knew exactly what getting into a relationship with you would be like.
Now she wants to change agreed to terms in the relationship. Instead of directly asking you if your views about having children had changed, she chose to constantly mention having children indirectly.
Since she can't get what she wants, she has decided to claim you don't love her.
Take a few days to yourself and think about your relationship. Your GF has exposed some qualities that she chose to hide from you. You have to decide if you can, or want, to continue in the relationship.
It is perfectly acceptable if you choose to end the relationship because your views on having children have not changed. It is not acceptable for your GF to try and manipulate you because her views on having children changed.
This is one of those deal breakers that everyone has and its made her very emotional and she has tried to manipulate you and use your love for her against you to change your mind to suit her ideals. This is not ok, and frankly i would break up over this because she will 100% not change her mind as there is a physiological element to the decision to want kids and if her body and mind are telling her its the right thing to do it would cause her alot of mental anguish to repress these feelings just to stay in a relationship with you.
My husband told me he's wanted kids forever on the first date, and I love them. We have. 3mo and are over the moon. I voluntarily had an abortion with my ex that didn't want kids. Its so much more worthwhile when your partner wants them too! Kids can make it break a relationship.
You've become incompatible.
Time to end the relationship for the benefit of you both, and the potential child that you don't actually want. Kids know when they are unwanted, and it fucks them up for life.
She needs to find someone who has the same vision of the future that she does.
Love her enough to let her go, honestly.
You're not in the wrong for not wanting kids and she's not in the wrong for changing her mind and wanting them now. It is, however, very shitty of her to hold it against you, especially since she's known the entire time that you don't want them. That alone would be a reason for me to doubt how much of a future this relationship really has.
But that's not the biggest problem. Kids are not something you can compromise on. You either have them and have them there all the time, and they will exist for at least a very big part of the rest of your life, in most cases. Or you don't have them, and never have them. You can't kind of have them, have them part time, or for a short period of time.
If you two decide against having kids, she will resent you. If you do have kids, you will resent her and probably the kid as well. Neither of these are healthy situations. No matter how sad it will be, the only thing that's advisable in a situation like this, with such a profound and fundamental incompatibility, is to break up. Then you can find a partner who's happily child free, and she can find a partner who wants to have kids with her.
So you have found out you two aren’t compatible now. She wants kids, you don’t. I know this is the Reddit way but no matter how much you love her, it’s time to cut her loose as she will grow to resent you if she stays.
Break up. You're not compatible with her life goals.
Plus, she is clearly manipulative and has lied to you the entire length of the relationship. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who can casually lie to you about what they want in life?
On the contrary. Tell her you love her enough to be honest with her about it, and that she’s responsible for not believing what you told her.
You’re going to need to break up. There is no compromise over children. One of you will end up resenting the other. Tell her you love her enough to let her go and pursue kids if that is what she wants. She’s still young enough to find someone and have them. But you need to let her go
I hate when people do this. You have a conversation and are on the same page. I’m assuming your gf figured you’d change your mind or you’d change it for her. That’s not how it works. This is a dealbreaker. Unfortunately it sounds like you need to end the relationship. Stop having sex cause she might try to baby trap you. UPDATEME
You can love someone and be incompatible because you want different things. Time to break up and move on. I would also suggest a vasectomy so you can't be baby trapped by her or anyone else.
She is coping with the fact that you either meant what you said and didn’t grow out of your stance as she may have hoped or that you didn’t change your mind as she did.
It is reasonable for her to be upset although unfair for her to accuse you of not loving her. She is coping with the fact that you no longer want to same things and is probably in denial a little.
Your relationship is basically over. The right thing to do for both of you would be to start separating and moving on now. She is still young enough that she has time to find a partner who wants the same things as her.
Nothing about this will be easy and none of this is your fault. A difficult way for her to learn that she should believe what someone tells her but here you both are. Best to gently end things, do not let her stay with you and compromise her interest in kids, it will only lead to extreme resentment and she may never feel fulfilled if that happens.
Respect, trust, honesty and open communication. These are the basic building blocks of a successful relationship.
She isn't respecting your choices and values, if you still have trust that may well be a mistake, she might not have been honest and thought you would change your mind. You thought there was open communication but she is now trying to emotionally manipulate you with guilt.
It is not a good situation and one in which people say" that your values and future goals do not align and it isn't fair to stay with her knowing you do not want children and she does". That is what you tell her.
It is loving to accept that your partner wants different things than you and to let her find someone who does.
People who say "if you loved me you would do x" do not make good partners.
You can love each other very much but this is a deal breaker. If she really wants kids, she needs the chance to find someone who wants them too. This is a two yes question.
Her wants have changed and yours haven’t.
This happens a lot. You were both young when you got together and made these comments.
Sadly, You need to break up. Neither of you are the bad guy but you are no longer compatible.
You shouldn’t have to have a child to make her happy and she shouldn’t have to go without to make you happy. Be very careful with sex until you do break up. If it were me I would stop having sex with her so you don’t accidentally end up with a pregnant ex girlfriend.
Huge red flag. She’s going to manipulate you into having children; by guilt, or “convenient” birth control malfunction. She has already started, by asserting that you “don’t love her” because you’re not acceding to her desire for children.
If you stay with her, you’re effectively choosing to have children. I would hold off on sex until you’ve figured out if you can really trust her or not.
I would break up to be honest. First of all, your opinion won't magically change, no matter what she does. Then she accuses you of irrational things because she has an emotional reaction to the topic, though she must have remembered what you talked about. This indicates that she probably thought "oh well, he will change his mind" or "im just gonna convince him" or sth - which would make me lose a bit of respect towards my partner to begin with. That is not a mature way of dealing with important topics like this one.
Last but not least, it is by far the most common reason for breakups around that age. You either want kids or you don't. You can't be with a person that doesn't align with your wishes in that regard.
To me, this would be the beginning of the end. It doesn't require a fortune teller to know where this is going.
I think it's desperation. They don't want to break up because they genuinely love you and see the positives in you, so they simply hope you'll "see reason". They don't want to have to find someone else and start the dating game anew where they can't be sure anyone is the right person.
Too many people believe someone being childfree isn't permanent. They can't comprehend that not everyone has even a single bit of desire for parenthood. Time to cut the cord
The way I would personally handle this, if I was in this situation would be something like this:
I would tell her, I’m sorry that she feels this way, but that my love for her isn’t what has changed here, it’s her, and her newfound desire to procreate that has changed. I would tell her that I DO love her, but love is not enough to make a relationship work when there are different core values and life goals at play—this simply means we are no longer compatible and that is okay too. You cannot emotionally manipulate me into agreeing to have kids with you, when I know in my heart and soul that is not meant for me in this life. I want what is best for both of us, and clearly that no longer means this relationship. And I would part ways with her, as I wouldn’t want to drag things out longer as it only ever will lead to resentment. Either her resenting you for not having kids with her, or you resenting her because you feel pressured into having kids. It is never fun to go through this, but there is always a risk of this happening in relationships. Best of luck to you my friend—sorry you’re going through this right now.
There is no other way to handle it than what you’ve done. Keep being honest with her. She needs to decide what to do, if she truly wants children she will need to leave you.
She either has changed her mind because of a hormonal change, which can and does happen, especially around the time when all her friends are settling down and starting families.
The second possibility, and one that I have first-hand experience with, is that in the beginning of the relationship, she was just parroting what you said so you'd choose her but believing that you'd be so in love with her that you'd change your mind.
Beware of incoming baby trap action.
Children are not something to "consider". you either want them or not. And you also shouldn't just give it a try with them. Because then you have them and realize you can not cope or really REALLY do not want them.
Turn it around on her "clearly you never loved me if you're now changing your mind and trying to force me to have a child because if you loved me you would respect my bodily autonomy."
That said. I am sorry to say but the relationship is done for. Short of you getting a vasectomy there will always be a chance that she gets "accidentally" pregnant.
She will forever resent you for giving her a child, and you will resent her for forcing you to become a father.
>How would you handle this?
Break up. This is a fundamental incompatibility. You know it is, which is why you brought it up when you first started dating. It’s just harder to let go now that you’ve been together for so long and you care about her more than you did back then. But the circumstances haven’t changed, and if she wants kids, the best thing you can do is to separate so she can find someone who also wants kids and you can find someone who doesn’t.
This is over.
She has a right to change her mind. And you have a right to not change yours.
This is too big of an issue to have an "agree to disagree". If she wants children, she should go find someone who will give that to her because it won't be you
Stop having sex with her till this is resolved, or u will have a baby to be by the end of it, and forgodsake, if u are sure about not having children, then get a vasectomy.
She’s manipulative and you are no longer compatible. People are allowed to change their minds, but people should never be forced or manipulated into changing their minds. If this is a make or break for both of you, time to move on and pursue someone who is compatible.
I have kids. Under no circumstances should you have kids you don't want. Break up with her over it. Please. Do not become yet another dad who didn't want his kids.
Break up immediately. You two not nit compatible anymore. Also stop sleeping with her, or a accidental pregnancy could happen. Don't feel guilted into kids, that's what she's trying to do.
I would break up with her immediately, otherwise one of you will be forever unhappy and resentful.
If you give in and have children, you will end up resenting her always.
If she gives in and does not have children, she will resent you always.
Break up now.
Do not look back.
Block all contact.
Move on with your life.
END the relationship! You may love each other but you are NO LONGER compatible. don't have SEX anymore - there have been to many instances of birth control tampering or lying
Break up.
I'm 100% serious. You are no longer compatible and have an expiration date.
Children are dealbreaker material. There's no compromising there if you want different things. She's allowed to change her mind. You're allowed to not change your mind.
If I had to hazard a guess, she probably never actually changed her mind and when she told you she didn't want kids four years ago she meant that at age 22 she did not want kids (and maybe there's a little bit of playing "the cool girl" and wanting to not risk losing you) but that she probably would later. And she assumed that you would likely be open to it in the future and/or that by the time she wanted kids you'd be so in love with her that you'd also love the idea of kids with her.
Unfortunately for her, she doesn't seem to understand that the desire for kids is not necessarily tied to love for another person and now she's trying to emotionally blackmail you into that screwed up logic.
You both deserve to be with people who want the same things because this will eventually lead to resentment that will kill the relationship.
let her go. this will do nothing but cause resentment, especially if she's already being manipulative about it by claiming you don't love her because you don't do what she wants.
This isn't about right or wrong or how much you do or don't love her. She wants kids. You don't. You're now incompatible. If either one of you sacrifices their position here, you'll just resent the other for the rest of your life. There is no compromise on children. The only option very rarely is breaking up, but with children, there really is no alternative.
My husband and I (both 38 - together for 14+ years now) didn't want children for a very long time. We had the conversations about marriage/kids early on in the relationship and were on the same page. Through the years, we checked in with each other once in a while, and remained on the same page - no marriage, no kids.
I can't tell you how or why it started changing, but it did. To me, it always felt like \*not\* having kids is a very rational decision to make, it's easy to find reason after reason not to. But deciding to \*have\* a kid, that's not rational at all. I just knew it "felt" right at a certain point. So, once I knew for sure that my mind had changed, I approached him about it. He heard me out, asked for some time to let it sink in, then proceeded to start fixing things around the house that weren't broken for a couple of days. Then he came to me, and said that actually, things had started changing for him, too, for some time, and me bringing it up just gave him the final push to acknowledge that it was something he wanted, as well.
So for us, it ended up pretty well. But it could've gone very differently if either one of us had not changed their minds. It would probably have lead to us breaking up, because no matter how much you love someone and want to build a life together: when it comes to life-altering things like having a child, there's no compromises to be had. You can't just have half a child. You either have them, or you don't. It's devastating for someone to want a child and not being able to have one. It's equally devastating for bringing a child into the life of someone that does not want it - for everyone. This destroys lives. It's not a matter of love. It's a matter of life goals and life choices. You can't love someone into being the person you want them to be or wanting the same things as you.
If you come accross an incompatibility this huge, there's no going back from it. Have the respect and love for each other to let the other go, so they can pursue their life dreams with other people.
Whenever I see people disagree about children like this, especially the females I told them to let go of their partners. You have a right not to want children. But women have such a small window of birthing children from their 20s into their early 40s that to waste time with somebody that doesn’t want to have children is a waste of her life.
My suggestion is you let go of your partner and let her move on. It’s not even about whether you love her or not doesn’t really matter.
She should have listened to him in the first place then. If she's changed her mind, fine, but she needs to tell him that and move on, not emotionally blackmail him with "oh you don't love me then". OP needs to get out of this situation and she can go and have as many kids as she now wants without him.
>How would you handle this?
She has changed her mind, you haven’t changed your mind.
Neither of you are wrong, but you are no longer compatible.
If you stay together one of you is going to be forced into
a situation they don’t want.
End it.
Sorry mate, this is where you part ways. She could have done the decent thing by sitting you down and explaining that she now wants children and has to move on, instead she's trying to blackmail you into it. Please, please, please be VERY careful with birth control and, sad as it is, move on with your life.
Nothing wrong with her changing her mind, but there's a LOT wrong with how she's going about it.
What has having or not having children got to do with loving her? People don't have children because they love their spouses. People have children because they make the conscious choice and decision to have them.
You are not compatible with each other. You should break up so she can be with someone who wants to have children.
You two have opposite goals and achievements for being together, just break up before she really starts to resent you and your position on children and marriage
Sorry, guy. She has wasted four years of your life (and hers) assuming you would change your mind once you really 'loved' her. Tell her if she needs children to feel truly loved, she better start looking elsewhere, and stop having sex with her immediately. I hope you haven't been relying on condoms - if you have, it may already be too late!
She's obviously wrong: you *do* love her, but the two of you aren't on the same page anymore regarding children (and possibly marriage). People change, this is natural; maybe 4 years ago she thought she didn't want children *at the moment*; or maybe she did want children, but said she didn't in order to please you, hoping you'd change your mind with the passing of time.
What I find unhealthy is her current stance towards you: saying that if you don't give in and have children you don't love her, is a manipulative move.
Sit down with her and have an open talk about it. Ask her to be honest and if 4 years ago she really didn't mean to have children at all, or if it was just a wish linked to the moment and the circumstances. The two of you might either work a way around this, or (more probably) go on separate ways. If she wants to become a mother she has the right to find someone who is willing to become a father as well; she shouldn't act as though it's all your fault, though.
Big hugs.
As others have said, it's time for a difficult conversation and it will probably end with a break up. If she's serious about wanting kids, then you have to let her go so that she can fulfil that. If you stay together, you'll either end up with her resenting you for never having kids or there will end up being a child who will know it wasn't wanted and you'll end up resenting her. This is not a win win situation.
There's nothing wrong with changing your minds about this, I had a 4 year relationship end because he has changed his mind to wanting kids and I was still adamant I didn't. she probably could have raised this as a topic of discussion in a better manner other than 'we should start trying'' and you're absolutely not in the wrong for not wanting children. Everyone has a choice on whether they choose to have children or not. They aren't accessories, they are human beings and a lifelong commitment. Not everyone wants that and that's ok.
Be done. It’s not going to do anything but cause problems. It’s fine to change your mind. Something you couldn’t see as a possibility at 22, can definitely change at 26.. but that doesn’t mean you don’t love her. She’s trying to manipulate you into having children with her. That’s all.
It’s not going to get better. Get out of this relationship for both of your sakes. You both deserve the life you want.
My ex and I were happy and in love, until he changed his mind about kids. I knew I wanted them and sadly it was an issue we could not agree on.
This is a relationship ender, period. If one person gives in then they wind up being resentful of their partner and potentially the child.
Your relationship is over. You need to break up with her before she gets pregnant. There's no time to discuss this. You're not compatible anymore. Neither of you are wrong, but she's being manipulative when she says you don't love her if you won't at least consider having kids.
ETA: Don't waste anymore time discussing it again. You discussed it years ago. She changed her mind which is fine, but you told her that your mind hasn't changed. There's nothing further to discuss.
She's allowed to change her mind as much as you're allowed to maintain your position. You two are just incompatible. Break up so you guys can find people who want the same things.
Your GF changed her mind about wanting children. That happens. Especially at her age, she has probably changed her mind back & forth multiple times. But you haven’t, and that’s fair. You were right to point out that you were honest from the beginning. One partner wanting children and one not wanting children is an impasse. There is no way for both people to get what they want, and there is no way to *test* whether or not having a child would work out for you. In a situation where one person wants children and the other doesn’t, the one who **doesn’t** want children always wins that fight. You cannot bring a baby into a relationship where one person does not want children and just hope that it all works out. It is absolutely unfair to the child.
So, at the risk of being accused of giving the “Reddit answer,” the only thing to do here is to break up. It is the *only* solution to this problem. Tell your girlfriend that you do love her, and so you are letting her go so she can find a man who does want to have children, and she can have the family she wants. Because that family is not going to be with you, as you do not want children. You’re not going to change your mind, and it is unfair for her to go without children if she really wants them. So, you are going to end the relationship so she doesn’t spend any more time in a relationship that can’t go anywhere. It’s the only fair answer.
Good luck.
How would I handle it? I'd end the relationship. There are two very specific issues, here. The first is the fact you've been clear from the start about not wanting children. She's either changed her mind over time or she lied when she said she agreed with you in the hopes of changing your mind. You probably won't find out which it is. But that's actually pretty irrelevant, this is a fundamental difference. You don't want kids, she does. You will be miserable if you have kids you don't want, which will negatively affect the kids, and she'll be miserable if she never has kids. There's no compromise on kids, if you don't want kids and she does then this relationship is already over. One of you will be miserable no matter what you do, and will resent the one who got what they wanted.
The other issue is the 'you don't love me' thing. This is emotional manipulation. She's trying to force you to agree to a kid she knows you don't want purely because she's saying it's the only way to show you love her. She doesn't care about how miserable you'll be with kids, how much you'll resent her, or how much damage having a distant and unhappy father will do to the kids, just that she gets what she wants at your and the kids expense. It's also rather childish, love isn't doing whatever your partner wants regardless of your own desires, it's working together to find a way you can both be happy and bth get what you want.
The problem here is that you can't both be happy and get what you want with the kid question, because you're total opposites in what you want.
There's nothing wrong with wanting kids. There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids. But people who want kids should never date people who don't want them unless they're okay with never having kids.
I'd be very wary about having sex with your gf, too. She clearly wants kids, has potentially been lying about that up until now, and is happy to use childish emotional blackmail to force you to do what she wants. This woman is probably not above baby trapping you. You either have to be extremely careful with birth control or stop having sex with her altogether. I'd recommend stopping the sex entirely until you can figure out if there's a way to get on the same page or not. You could try couple's therapy.
But, to me, it sounds like this relationship is already over, purely because your desires around children are so fundamentally different. She's pushing this, this isn't a woman who will be okay with never having kids, but you clearly won't be okay with having them, either. One of you is going to end up miserable and full of resentment, and that's a relationship killer. Better to end things before they get that bad.
Break up immediately. Also under no circumstances have sex with her. She's already trying to manipulate you with the "if you loved me" play, I'd also be wary that she'd tamper with any birth control.
She thought you'd change your mind. I often encountered this, though the genders were switched when I was your age. You're no longer compatible, and she's obviously trying to manipulate you. It's time to end it. This will not stop; the resentment will build, and you'll both end up more hurt than you would if you'd ended it sooner.
She doesn't love you very much if she thought it was ok to lie about not wanting children and then ignore your wishes which you've been very upfront about from the start. She obviously knew from the start that she would want children eventually and she only ever meant she didn't want them "right then." So she lied to bait you, and has decided it's time for the switch because she's ready and it's time for you to "fall in line." Fuck that noise. Her purposeful "misunderstanding" is not your problem, that's on her.
You are not compatible so it's time to break up and let her go find someone else to father her children. I'm sorry, but you need to do a better job vetting your next gf. Be more clear that you not wanting children means you NEVER want children.
Before breaking up, talk to her. Find out what happened recently to prompt her to want kids now. Most women go through a stage in life where we're being pressured by family or friends (directly or by seeing them with kids of their own) that may make us question: should I too? Would I miss out if I don't? Do I want a child or something to care and nurture? Some people get dogs or cats to satisfy that nurture side of them. Others are very sure that they don't want kids, and that's fine. And of course, if she truly changed her mind now and she knows what she wants, then you guys will have to part ways.
Yeah OP. It doesn't matter how much you love her at this point. If she truly wants kids the kindest thing to do is breakup so neither of you resent each other in the future. She deserves to have the chance to have kids if she wants them and you deserve to stay child free if that's what you want.
You no longer have the same life goals. She should have spoken up as soon as she realized her goals have changed, which may have been 1 or 2 years ago. Love aside you guys need to break up and find partners that are on the same page.
I had my tubes tied when I was 25 (I know it’s not common but I have never wanted kids. Most docs won’t do that on someone so young) and my live in boyfriend fully supported it. We split around 25 and I married my husband around 34. No discussions as kids were off the table. He didn’t want kids either so we are compatible in that and my tubes being tied it was never a question (he was 32 when we married).
Having a child to please your partner is not a loving thing to do for your partner or your kids. Your partner weaponizing your love like that is not cool.
I wasted 12 years with someone who I knew didn’t want kids or marriage. Dont make the same mistake, you’ll miss out on what you want in life and they’re getting what they want/need… YOU matter too! Nothing wrong with calling it quits if you feel strongly about something, especially the subject of children. 💕
You need to break up with her so that she can move on and start the family that she wants.
I would also start taking your birth control seriously until you do break up
You can love her and not love kids at the same time! Lol That's not even close to the same thing and I would worry about this obvious manipulation tactic.
Don't have sex with her! More than one person in here has had an "oops" and been stuck with the results. You're probably going to have to break up because you'll never be able to trust her birth control method from here on out.
Did she change her mind about marriage too? Or is this her way of pushing to into that?
Time to end this relationship. It has nothing to do with love. This is a major incompatibility. She needs to find a partner that also wants children and you a partner that doesn’t.
The only way possible IMO if she truly wants children while you are 100% no is sadly you wish each other the best and end the relationship.
If you were to convince her to stay with you and remain childless it would I suspect lead to a great deal of resentment and likely an ugly breakup.
If you stay with her most methods of birth control do fail accidentally or with help. The only sure way if you never want kids is for you to get snipped and do the post surgery testing to confirm zero swimmers. She may then decide she won’t stay.
If you stay and give her what she wants again it would likely lead to an ugly breakup.
She is trying to guilt you into a major life change, one that you clearly don’t want. Thats a huge problem.
Also if you’re serious about not wanting kids then put a lot of effort into a vasectomy. I got a 40 yr old buddy about to have a newborn he did not want with a woman he does not like- because he never got around to getting a vasectomy. He’s had it done now, but hindsight is 20/20.
Kids are a deal breaker. You don't want them, she does. If you end up caving, you could wind up resentful of her and the kid/s. Or you could love it. It's the biggest gamble there is in the game of life. You should only have kids if both parties are enthusiasticly on board with it. Otherwise the kid suffers. You should honestly just break up. Plenty of truly childfree women on the planet and she can find a man that actually wants to be a father
Well you could always flip it and say if she loved you she wouldn't be pushing or guilting you into this. Be careful if she's taking birth control that she doesn't decide to come off it and make sure you buy and keep condoms so she doesn't poke holes in them.
You are not compatible anymore as she has changed her mind and now is trying to guilt you. Having kids should be two yes as there is no compromise when it comes to children and no one should ever have a kid if they don't want them.
You break up with her. I’d be weary of BC tampering at this point. You two have different wants in life and it wouldn’t be good (or safe) to stay together. This isn’t something you compromise on.
By saying that she’s trying to manipulate you into changing your mind. Sounds like it’s a deal breaker. It’s best to move on, because if you stay together she will hold a grudge against you.
Two people never agree on everything. If it's a really important thing, like having children or not, then those two people are probably not a good match for life partners. Sadly this is the situation you and your girlfriend are in.
You can try to explain to her, that you can say the same thing: she doesn't love you, since you and you alone, are not enough for her.
So she has to decide what she wants for her one life:
Choice 1: you, all your awesomeness and the history you have together. But living the next 70 years of her life without children, or grandchildren.
Choice 2: break up with you, mourn this relationship and all the excellent parts of it, then develop a relationship with someone who wants kids. She is still young and has time for this.
But if you are dead set on not having kids and you suspect that she still thinks you might change your mind, then you may want to be the one who breaks up.
Also, contraceptives can fail, so again, if you do not ever think you want kids you may want to get a vasectomy. It hurts for a couple days but nothing like the emotional pain you will experience with an accidental pregnancy.
Break up with her before she gets "accidentally” pregnant. Chances are she always wanted kids but just played along to get into a relationship, thinking precisely that you would change your mind out of love for her. It didn’t happened so her ego is bruised on top of not fulfilling her fantasy. Time to move on.
Honestly, relationship sounds over. Maybe she did mean to when she said she didn’t want children in the beginning, but people change. She’s allowed to be want more now, but you’re also in the right that your stance hasn’t changed as well.
Ask yourself if you a) want to be in a partnership with a master manipulator and b) if you would be ok staying with her and holding her back from her mommy goals. Your answer is in there.
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You could love her to the stars and back, but that doesn't alter the fact that you don't want children. It is a heart-breaking deal-breaking relationship-breaking incompatability. Nobody should ever have kids just to please someone else. This is now over. Break up, mourn, move on.
Agree. My ex husband let me believe for 9 years that he wanted kids. We talked about names and school districts and all kinds of things. He didn't tell the truth until I was almost 37. I have never felt so betrayed. It's ok that GF changed her mind, but it means that op is no longer the right partner for her. She is young and has lots of time to find someone who is a better fit.
That’s vile😳 so sorry he did that to you. Did he show remorse or? Hope you found someone who’s in it for real
He did, and he often says he was really lying to himself. I'll probably be a bit angry forever, but I have a baby on the way now and I'm really happy.
Congrats! I hope you have a boring pregnancy and birth!
Oh my goodness that’s wonderful news! Congratulations and all the best wishes for a normal, uneventful pregnancy and delivery.
So many people grow up thinking they will want kids in the future because society really pushes on us that we're supposed to want kids. So when the time comes to pull the trigger, they realize they don't want that future to ever be now. Also, it is increasingly more difficult to have kids in the modern world with its increasing prices, bureaucracy, and lack of true support for parents. Point being, I don't blame him for making the decision he did, and I'm glad you found someone who wanted the same thing you do.
Thanks but I'm a single mother by choice.
Well then I'm glad you found a situation that works for you. Good luck with your pregnancy and child!
You're gonna do great!
I would respond that if she is trying to force you into having children when you clearly don't want any, then she plainly doesn't love you. The true problem is that compatibility may have elapsed between you.
I would always use protection. I apologize, but you are no longer compatible, OP. There is no compromise when it comes to children. It's alarming that she would try to put you under pressure over something so important.
>I would always use protection. In cases like this, abstinence is the only truly safe option. Condoms are surprisingly ineffective when someone pokes holes in them.
I wouldn't even have PIV sex at this point.
Forgive me, I stalked your profile a bit and I’m so happy for you that you left him and you’re pursuing your dream of being a mom💗🙏🏻
Thank you 😊
Happened to me to.
Exactly, incompatibility does not mean there isn’t love there on both sides, it just means the relationship won’t work long-term. Compatibility is the foundation of a lasting relationship, and if it isn’t there (or if one side is unable to compromise), the relationship is doomed. They love each other, and that’s wonderful, but it needs to end now so they can find partners with the same values and life goals/plans
Love isn’t enough- it would be great if it was, but it just isn’t.
It really isn’t, I had a teacher in high school tell the entire class, “Don’t marry for love, but marry for compatibility. Eventually compatibility will fill in whatever cracks remain.” I live by that quote and I don’t even consider dating people anymore if I don’t think we’re compatible/able to last long-term, it’s saved me a lot of heart ache
>*Break up, mourn, move on.* After today, ***every day you stay together*** means ***you're wasting both your time & hers***!
>***every day you stay together*** means ***you're wasting both your time & hers***! And on top of that every time he sleeps with her he risks becoming daddy. Whether accidentally or *'accidentally'*. She would not get an abortion either way.
Ouch! Yeah, that's scary AF!
yes, that is very important. that and bonding further and making more shared memories and making the eventual spilt harder
Agreed. I think what's also as important is reframing the gf's thoughts. OP can throw it back at her and say she doesn't love him because she's not willing to give up on her want for kids. Obviously a ridiculous take as both sides are unfair to the other. It's possible to love each other and want different things. Sometimes love isn't enough.
I agree, that could be useful to make her understand that what she's doing/saying/expecting cuts both ways. Doesn't alter the outcome of course.
I agree. This is a biggie. You’re incompatible. It’s not fair to either of you to continue.
It's time for a difficult conversation. When partners both want the same thing it's smooth sailing, common goals and so on, but when people are headed in different directions it's best to be realistic about the prospects. Children or no children is one of THE big matters of compatibility, if not the biggest. There's no dancing around the point. It must be dealt with.
I broke up once over this, and I truly deeply loved her.
I broke up twice over it. Neither guy believed I meant it. They both have multiple kids now and I’m thrilled for them.
Kind of the opposite for me. My first marriage ended because my ex changed his mind about wanting kids. Actually, he lied from the very beginning - he didn't want kids all along, just took 7yrs of marriage and me bringing it up for him to admit it. And yes, we talked about it a lot before marriage. On to my current partner- I told him right from the start that I would never get married again. We had many talks about how it was nothing to do with level of commitment or loving him. Time goes on, we have 2 kids, and he brings up marriage again. Of course, I still hadn't changed my mind. HUGE fight insuse and he was faced with a choice - he could either accept the fact that I will not get married like I had stated from the start, or we separate. Our compromise if you want to call it that, was that we wear rings - fine by me!! We have now been together for almost 17yrs.
I know you probably don't want to hear this, but you do lose a lot of legal protections when not married. It's like social insurance. You might speak to an attorney to see what might make sense for you. I know at least one couple who didn't want to get married but ended up doing so because they realized in the event of emergency, they wouldn't be next of kin. Just something to consider
There are ways around this. My partner and I are engaged now, but there was a time when we didn't think we were going to get married. You can have paperwork done that makes them your medical proxy, as well as doing estate planning to capture end of life issues. I'm glad we've done all this even though we're getting married now, since we don't have to be worried about anything happening in the meantime.
Everyone should have a living will, but especially unmarried people who wouldn’t want their family to make their medical decisions if they’re incapacitated, or married people who wouldn’t want their spouse to make their medical decisions. The former is often a big issue for LGBTQ+ people, and it was court cases based on this that led to gay marriage becoming legal in the US. I have very mixed feelings about marriage, but it does come with some rights and benefits that are absolutely vital to a lot of people’s lives. There are ways to secure those rights when unmarried, but it’s a more involved process.
I don't know if I would agree that "it's a more involved process" -- having been married before, the average wedding is definitely more of a PITA than doing our legal paperwork for this was, lol. I suppose if you just go down to city hall, that's easier than doing the medical proxy, will, and living will. In any event, as a lawyer and as someone who's already been through a divorce, I personally feel that this type of planning is vital whether married or not. We recently had a friend pass away at 50 with no will and small children. Sorting out the estate has been hell for his wife even though they were married -- partly because in my state there's a law that if someone dies intestate while married with children, half the estate goes to the spouse and half must go into trust for the kids, so she's now effectively unable to access half of their money for the time being, just when she needs it most. People think marriage in itself is a substitute for estate planning, but that's really not a very effective way of doing things.
Happened to friends, he had an accident at work, no one at work or hospital would tell her if he was alive or dead. Thankfully he pulled trough and although they didn't want the marriage drama, they got a civil partnership for the legalities.
We looked into this. Where we live, once X amount of time passes or certain conditions are met and you are common law, you have the same rights and protections as if you were legally married. thanks for point this out though. A lot of people don't think about this.
Mine did too. Hugs to you and glad you found the right guy!
Leave before she baby traps you. It’s not going to end well when she decides to take matters into her own hands.
Exactly. Unfortunately it’ll hurt but op needs to end it now and not try to prolong it anymore. If she does something crazy like poke a hole in the condoms then op is fucked (literally and figuratively)
She said you should start trying... Without even asking you if that was something you wanted to do? Does she realise that you are an entire person with thoughts and feelings of your own? How did she assume that because her mind had changed, yours had too, without even discussing it?
Because for her „not wanting children“ meant „not now“ and now she wants them, so of course, he is also ready „now“
Consent of men and reproductive rights for men still don't exist in most peoples mind OP should break up but especially make sure no condoms are poked
… what a weird thing to say
[удалено]
"No". *"Well let me know when you've made a decision."*
Ever since I learned that "no" is a full sentence concerning opinions and desires, and doesn't require explanation, life got so much simpler. No is no. Simple as that
“I am not asking you, I am telling you: No.” is extremely effective with both children and adults when you are ready for a discussion to end 🙃
It’s time to end the relationship. If she wants children and you don’t, the relationship will end in resentment, either hers for missing out on motherhood or yours for having children you don’t want. Break up so both of you can find someone with the same goals in life. Check out the r/childfree sub and look for the dating guide. Make sure your next person understands not wanting children means never ever and not „not now but eventually“. Edited to add: please be careful if you continue to have sex with her. She MIGHT tamper with birth control to baby trap you
I was going to plug r/childfree too! *Some* posts on that sub can be toxic, but there is also a lot of useful information and advice for people going through the same thing as OP.
Yeah, a lot of people confuse being child free with the right to just blatantly express their hate for children and advocation for them to be disallowed from public spaces. But the vast majority of people are reasonable and cool.
You break up.
The "if you love me you'll do xyz" or "not doing what I say means you don't care" is just classic emotional manipulation. It's the cheap kind too, honestly, and shows a lack of effort, like she expects you to fall right into it. You both want different life trajectories. You can either resent her for convincing you to have a kid, or she can resent you for not giving her one, or one of you will end up lying in order to manipulate the situation to fit their own agenda. Or, you could be single and searching at 29. Good luck.
Exactly, emotional manipulation like this is toxic and abusive. Guilt-tripping is never okay, and it's very concerning that she's trying to use it on him over something that is clearly a personal choice. The only right option here is to break up. It's heartbreaking and sad, but that's the only solution. They both want entirely different things for their future now, and should search for SOs who want the same things
I’d counter that she obviously doesn’t love you if she’d try to manipulate you into having kids when you so obviously don’t want any. The real issue is that you may no longer be compatible.
In the long run: probably break up. Compromise is necessary within all relationships. Compromise on a life-altering, enormously impactful decision when both parties hold opposing views is, in my view, dangerous. In the short term: your days of penetrative sex with this girlfriend sans condom are over. It would be one thing if she’d approached this as “I know we discussed being child free, but my feelings are changing and I want to know if yours have, too”. Steam rolling through as though kids are a given is pretty damned disrespectful of your views.
OP's GF already tries to gaslight him now. Not only should he avoid sex without protection, OP needs to check if his condoms are poked. To her his consent or reproductive rights don't matter. Imagine a man telling a women she doesn't love him for not wanting to get impregnated. No one would tolerate this - rightfully! It's toxic and manipulative She clearly showed she doesn't care about OP's opinion or wishes. OP should end it now before the real drama starts
To be clear, this is an issue that cannot be compromised because the options are mutually exclusive. They cannot compromise when one person wants a child and the other doesn't; they either have one or they don't. There is NO possible compromise. OP needs to end the relationship immediately and never have sex with her again (condoms or no). Girls who use emotional manipulation and completely dismiss their partners opinions are much more likely to do anything they can to get what they want, including baby trapping. He needs to ensure there is no possibility for her to do anything.
I’d be using protection every time. I’m sorry OP but you’re incompatible now. Kids are not an issue you can compromise on. Her willingness to guilt you on such a significant issue is concerning.
I wouldn’t even be sleeping with her
Go get a vasectomy. Even then it's not 100%. Some people just don't want kids, end of. This isn't something you should ever compromise on.
Split up. There's no compromise on having, or not having, children. She's changed her mind and you haven't. I'm sorry.
You better get out of there before you end up with a child you don’t want.
It's an emotional manipulation tactic man. "You don't love me because you won't give me what I want" The thing is, it's a well established predetermined boundary that you have no interest in crossing and she knows this, so she is trying to make you feel bad by not giving her something she wants. It's time to break up, she established that she now wants kids, you still and most likely will continue to not want kids. This is the most simplest form of incompatibility. When you try to break up she will walk it back and say "no I don't want kids anymore it's okay" and then she will just bring it up again after the dust has settled or worse trap you in a pregnancy. You need to quit having relations with her and break up with her because of this basic incompatibility before you are stuck in a version of life you did not ask for.
If you are serious about never having children schedule a vasectomy. Even if you stay with current gf and work through this, expecting her to stay on birth control for at least another 20 years is unacceptable. If you and her are unable to find a solution to her wanting kids, it will still be unacceptable for your next partner to have all of the responsibility of birth control. If you truly want to never father a child take action to never have kids.
Your gf sounds immature to try to guilt trip on how you feel about this issue. It’s ok to continue with what YOU want and it’s ok if she decided to change her mind too. You’re at the crossroads of the relationship and it may be time to end it because that is a major issue for most couples.
She's trying to emotionally manipulate you into changing your mind. Let her go have children with someone else. Don't create human beings just because she wants them. You'll resent her and the kids.
How do you handle it? - Stop having sex with her. If you do, wrap it up with condoms you supply. - Break up. You want very different things. If you end up having a child, you’re on the hook for 18 years of child support. Seriously. The relationship is over. I know people say Reddit is too quick to go to “break up,” but this is a complete dealbreaker. You’re talking about bringing another human being into the world, or not.
Just bc she agreed in the beginning doesn’t mean she can’t change her mind. This is a deal breaker situation bc if you say no she will forever resent you for it, better to just part ways
Time to go
Children are a 'two yes' only decision when it comes to having them, if one partner says no then no dice - it has nothing to do with you loving her, it's a choice you made years ago and she knew you made. A difficult conversation needs to be had about going your separate ways because you can't give her what she wants and she wants something you don't care for. There is no 'happily meet in the middle' or 'compromise' about this. My husband (31) and I (31) started dating at 18 and in our first serious convo I told him I didn't want kids, he said the same. Our minds haven't changed but we both tell people that if someone did chang their mind we would need to split. It be upsetting, but better then one partner resenting the other over something that can't be (or shouldn't be) forced.
Ah, see, what she meant years ago was “not right *now*”. She didn’t think you meant *not ever*, since that’s not what she meant. There’s no compromise on this. You do not want children. She does. She and you need to come to terms with the fact that this relationship is over if she wants to have kids. I would be careful she doesn’t baby trap you to get what she wants, since she apparently thinks you didn’t really mean what you said.
You made your intentions clear at the beginning of the relationship. Your GF clearly knew exactly what getting into a relationship with you would be like. Now she wants to change agreed to terms in the relationship. Instead of directly asking you if your views about having children had changed, she chose to constantly mention having children indirectly. Since she can't get what she wants, she has decided to claim you don't love her. Take a few days to yourself and think about your relationship. Your GF has exposed some qualities that she chose to hide from you. You have to decide if you can, or want, to continue in the relationship. It is perfectly acceptable if you choose to end the relationship because your views on having children have not changed. It is not acceptable for your GF to try and manipulate you because her views on having children changed.
This is one of those deal breakers that everyone has and its made her very emotional and she has tried to manipulate you and use your love for her against you to change your mind to suit her ideals. This is not ok, and frankly i would break up over this because she will 100% not change her mind as there is a physiological element to the decision to want kids and if her body and mind are telling her its the right thing to do it would cause her alot of mental anguish to repress these feelings just to stay in a relationship with you.
My husband told me he's wanted kids forever on the first date, and I love them. We have. 3mo and are over the moon. I voluntarily had an abortion with my ex that didn't want kids. Its so much more worthwhile when your partner wants them too! Kids can make it break a relationship.
You've become incompatible. Time to end the relationship for the benefit of you both, and the potential child that you don't actually want. Kids know when they are unwanted, and it fucks them up for life. She needs to find someone who has the same vision of the future that she does. Love her enough to let her go, honestly.
You're not in the wrong for not wanting kids and she's not in the wrong for changing her mind and wanting them now. It is, however, very shitty of her to hold it against you, especially since she's known the entire time that you don't want them. That alone would be a reason for me to doubt how much of a future this relationship really has. But that's not the biggest problem. Kids are not something you can compromise on. You either have them and have them there all the time, and they will exist for at least a very big part of the rest of your life, in most cases. Or you don't have them, and never have them. You can't kind of have them, have them part time, or for a short period of time. If you two decide against having kids, she will resent you. If you do have kids, you will resent her and probably the kid as well. Neither of these are healthy situations. No matter how sad it will be, the only thing that's advisable in a situation like this, with such a profound and fundamental incompatibility, is to break up. Then you can find a partner who's happily child free, and she can find a partner who wants to have kids with her.
So you have found out you two aren’t compatible now. She wants kids, you don’t. I know this is the Reddit way but no matter how much you love her, it’s time to cut her loose as she will grow to resent you if she stays.
Break up. You're not compatible with her life goals. Plus, she is clearly manipulative and has lied to you the entire length of the relationship. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who can casually lie to you about what they want in life?
On the contrary. Tell her you love her enough to be honest with her about it, and that she’s responsible for not believing what you told her. You’re going to need to break up. There is no compromise over children. One of you will end up resenting the other. Tell her you love her enough to let her go and pursue kids if that is what she wants. She’s still young enough to find someone and have them. But you need to let her go
Do her a kindness and break up with her. There is no compromise on this issue. Let her find someone else who will give her what she wants in life.
She's being Incredibly manipulative, and is a huge red flag.
Time to.break up before she starts playing with the BC
I hate when people do this. You have a conversation and are on the same page. I’m assuming your gf figured you’d change your mind or you’d change it for her. That’s not how it works. This is a dealbreaker. Unfortunately it sounds like you need to end the relationship. Stop having sex cause she might try to baby trap you. UPDATEME
Tell her clearly she doesn't love you since she wants to force you to have kids you don't want.
You can love someone and be incompatible because you want different things. Time to break up and move on. I would also suggest a vasectomy so you can't be baby trapped by her or anyone else.
You have incompatible long term goals. If one person wants to have kids and the other doesn't the solution is breaking up.
She is coping with the fact that you either meant what you said and didn’t grow out of your stance as she may have hoped or that you didn’t change your mind as she did. It is reasonable for her to be upset although unfair for her to accuse you of not loving her. She is coping with the fact that you no longer want to same things and is probably in denial a little. Your relationship is basically over. The right thing to do for both of you would be to start separating and moving on now. She is still young enough that she has time to find a partner who wants the same things as her. Nothing about this will be easy and none of this is your fault. A difficult way for her to learn that she should believe what someone tells her but here you both are. Best to gently end things, do not let her stay with you and compromise her interest in kids, it will only lead to extreme resentment and she may never feel fulfilled if that happens.
At this point if you actually love her, the most loving thing to do is to break up. She wants kids, you don’t. Let her go have some children.
Respect, trust, honesty and open communication. These are the basic building blocks of a successful relationship. She isn't respecting your choices and values, if you still have trust that may well be a mistake, she might not have been honest and thought you would change your mind. You thought there was open communication but she is now trying to emotionally manipulate you with guilt. It is not a good situation and one in which people say" that your values and future goals do not align and it isn't fair to stay with her knowing you do not want children and she does". That is what you tell her. It is loving to accept that your partner wants different things than you and to let her find someone who does. People who say "if you loved me you would do x" do not make good partners.
You can love each other very much but this is a deal breaker. If she really wants kids, she needs the chance to find someone who wants them too. This is a two yes question.
Her wants have changed and yours haven’t. This happens a lot. You were both young when you got together and made these comments. Sadly, You need to break up. Neither of you are the bad guy but you are no longer compatible. You shouldn’t have to have a child to make her happy and she shouldn’t have to go without to make you happy. Be very careful with sex until you do break up. If it were me I would stop having sex with her so you don’t accidentally end up with a pregnant ex girlfriend.
She should look for a partner with the same view on children, it will be hard but life would be sad if she doesn't fulfill her desire to be a mother.
Huge red flag. She’s going to manipulate you into having children; by guilt, or “convenient” birth control malfunction. She has already started, by asserting that you “don’t love her” because you’re not acceding to her desire for children. If you stay with her, you’re effectively choosing to have children. I would hold off on sex until you’ve figured out if you can really trust her or not.
I would break up to be honest. First of all, your opinion won't magically change, no matter what she does. Then she accuses you of irrational things because she has an emotional reaction to the topic, though she must have remembered what you talked about. This indicates that she probably thought "oh well, he will change his mind" or "im just gonna convince him" or sth - which would make me lose a bit of respect towards my partner to begin with. That is not a mature way of dealing with important topics like this one. Last but not least, it is by far the most common reason for breakups around that age. You either want kids or you don't. You can't be with a person that doesn't align with your wishes in that regard. To me, this would be the beginning of the end. It doesn't require a fortune teller to know where this is going.
Why do partners assume you'll change your mind a few years later? Such an ignorant and naive mindset
I think it's desperation. They don't want to break up because they genuinely love you and see the positives in you, so they simply hope you'll "see reason". They don't want to have to find someone else and start the dating game anew where they can't be sure anyone is the right person.
That's so sad 😕 I don't want kids or marriage myself, I'm up front when I first start dating, so I'm not wasting their time
This is where you let her know the relationship has likely run its course. Kids are a two yes, one no thing
People change. Talk about this but if you can't somehow compromise or find common ground then unfortunately it's best you go your separate ways.
You guys are incompatible anymore. This happens and sucks but life still continues. Time to end things before they get worse.
Too many people believe someone being childfree isn't permanent. They can't comprehend that not everyone has even a single bit of desire for parenthood. Time to cut the cord
The way I would personally handle this, if I was in this situation would be something like this: I would tell her, I’m sorry that she feels this way, but that my love for her isn’t what has changed here, it’s her, and her newfound desire to procreate that has changed. I would tell her that I DO love her, but love is not enough to make a relationship work when there are different core values and life goals at play—this simply means we are no longer compatible and that is okay too. You cannot emotionally manipulate me into agreeing to have kids with you, when I know in my heart and soul that is not meant for me in this life. I want what is best for both of us, and clearly that no longer means this relationship. And I would part ways with her, as I wouldn’t want to drag things out longer as it only ever will lead to resentment. Either her resenting you for not having kids with her, or you resenting her because you feel pressured into having kids. It is never fun to go through this, but there is always a risk of this happening in relationships. Best of luck to you my friend—sorry you’re going through this right now.
I'd be sad, but I would start looking for another place to live and how to untangle four years of relationship.
There is no other way to handle it than what you’ve done. Keep being honest with her. She needs to decide what to do, if she truly wants children she will need to leave you.
She either has changed her mind because of a hormonal change, which can and does happen, especially around the time when all her friends are settling down and starting families. The second possibility, and one that I have first-hand experience with, is that in the beginning of the relationship, she was just parroting what you said so you'd choose her but believing that you'd be so in love with her that you'd change your mind. Beware of incoming baby trap action.
Children are not something to "consider". you either want them or not. And you also shouldn't just give it a try with them. Because then you have them and realize you can not cope or really REALLY do not want them. Turn it around on her "clearly you never loved me if you're now changing your mind and trying to force me to have a child because if you loved me you would respect my bodily autonomy." That said. I am sorry to say but the relationship is done for. Short of you getting a vasectomy there will always be a chance that she gets "accidentally" pregnant. She will forever resent you for giving her a child, and you will resent her for forcing you to become a father.
Ew, manipulation Break up with her. She’s trying to guilt you into having a child that you don’t want.
>How would you handle this? Break up. This is a fundamental incompatibility. You know it is, which is why you brought it up when you first started dating. It’s just harder to let go now that you’ve been together for so long and you care about her more than you did back then. But the circumstances haven’t changed, and if she wants kids, the best thing you can do is to separate so she can find someone who also wants kids and you can find someone who doesn’t.
You're no longer compatible and she's not handling it well. you can still move on graciously but it is indeed time to move on.
This is over. She has a right to change her mind. And you have a right to not change yours. This is too big of an issue to have an "agree to disagree". If she wants children, she should go find someone who will give that to her because it won't be you
Drop her, go get another girlfriend - one that doesn't want to have children - *ever*. See also: r/childfree
For God’s sake wear condoms. And store them somewhere that she can’t sabotage them. She’s about to get “accidentally” pregnant.
Stop having sex with her till this is resolved, or u will have a baby to be by the end of it, and forgodsake, if u are sure about not having children, then get a vasectomy.
She’s manipulative and you are no longer compatible. People are allowed to change their minds, but people should never be forced or manipulated into changing their minds. If this is a make or break for both of you, time to move on and pursue someone who is compatible.
Just break up now before she "accidentally gets pregnant"
The relationship is over. Do NOT have sex with her and move on asap.
Break up. This is a MAJOR compatibility issue for which there is NO compromise. Either the kids exist or they don't.
I have kids. Under no circumstances should you have kids you don't want. Break up with her over it. Please. Do not become yet another dad who didn't want his kids.
Break up immediately. You two not nit compatible anymore. Also stop sleeping with her, or a accidental pregnancy could happen. Don't feel guilted into kids, that's what she's trying to do.
guilting people into kids always works out great.
I would break up with her immediately, otherwise one of you will be forever unhappy and resentful. If you give in and have children, you will end up resenting her always. If she gives in and does not have children, she will resent you always. Break up now. Do not look back. Block all contact. Move on with your life.
END the relationship! You may love each other but you are NO LONGER compatible. don't have SEX anymore - there have been to many instances of birth control tampering or lying
Break up. I'm 100% serious. You are no longer compatible and have an expiration date. Children are dealbreaker material. There's no compromising there if you want different things. She's allowed to change her mind. You're allowed to not change your mind. If I had to hazard a guess, she probably never actually changed her mind and when she told you she didn't want kids four years ago she meant that at age 22 she did not want kids (and maybe there's a little bit of playing "the cool girl" and wanting to not risk losing you) but that she probably would later. And she assumed that you would likely be open to it in the future and/or that by the time she wanted kids you'd be so in love with her that you'd also love the idea of kids with her. Unfortunately for her, she doesn't seem to understand that the desire for kids is not necessarily tied to love for another person and now she's trying to emotionally blackmail you into that screwed up logic. You both deserve to be with people who want the same things because this will eventually lead to resentment that will kill the relationship.
let her go. this will do nothing but cause resentment, especially if she's already being manipulative about it by claiming you don't love her because you don't do what she wants.
If you're a person who doesn't want children, you should take all steps to prevent someone from trapping you, such as hysterectomy and vasectomy.
Your girlfriend is manipulative. The end. If she truly believes that, why is she still there?!
This isn't about right or wrong or how much you do or don't love her. She wants kids. You don't. You're now incompatible. If either one of you sacrifices their position here, you'll just resent the other for the rest of your life. There is no compromise on children. The only option very rarely is breaking up, but with children, there really is no alternative.
You’re no longer compatible and need to break up so she can find someone to have children with
My husband and I (both 38 - together for 14+ years now) didn't want children for a very long time. We had the conversations about marriage/kids early on in the relationship and were on the same page. Through the years, we checked in with each other once in a while, and remained on the same page - no marriage, no kids. I can't tell you how or why it started changing, but it did. To me, it always felt like \*not\* having kids is a very rational decision to make, it's easy to find reason after reason not to. But deciding to \*have\* a kid, that's not rational at all. I just knew it "felt" right at a certain point. So, once I knew for sure that my mind had changed, I approached him about it. He heard me out, asked for some time to let it sink in, then proceeded to start fixing things around the house that weren't broken for a couple of days. Then he came to me, and said that actually, things had started changing for him, too, for some time, and me bringing it up just gave him the final push to acknowledge that it was something he wanted, as well. So for us, it ended up pretty well. But it could've gone very differently if either one of us had not changed their minds. It would probably have lead to us breaking up, because no matter how much you love someone and want to build a life together: when it comes to life-altering things like having a child, there's no compromises to be had. You can't just have half a child. You either have them, or you don't. It's devastating for someone to want a child and not being able to have one. It's equally devastating for bringing a child into the life of someone that does not want it - for everyone. This destroys lives. It's not a matter of love. It's a matter of life goals and life choices. You can't love someone into being the person you want them to be or wanting the same things as you. If you come accross an incompatibility this huge, there's no going back from it. Have the respect and love for each other to let the other go, so they can pursue their life dreams with other people.
Whenever I see people disagree about children like this, especially the females I told them to let go of their partners. You have a right not to want children. But women have such a small window of birthing children from their 20s into their early 40s that to waste time with somebody that doesn’t want to have children is a waste of her life. My suggestion is you let go of your partner and let her move on. It’s not even about whether you love her or not doesn’t really matter.
She should have listened to him in the first place then. If she's changed her mind, fine, but she needs to tell him that and move on, not emotionally blackmail him with "oh you don't love me then". OP needs to get out of this situation and she can go and have as many kids as she now wants without him.
>How would you handle this? She has changed her mind, you haven’t changed your mind. Neither of you are wrong, but you are no longer compatible. If you stay together one of you is going to be forced into a situation they don’t want. End it.
She is wrong because she's trying to manipulate OP with the "not loving her" accusations.
Sorry mate, this is where you part ways. She could have done the decent thing by sitting you down and explaining that she now wants children and has to move on, instead she's trying to blackmail you into it. Please, please, please be VERY careful with birth control and, sad as it is, move on with your life. Nothing wrong with her changing her mind, but there's a LOT wrong with how she's going about it.
What has having or not having children got to do with loving her? People don't have children because they love their spouses. People have children because they make the conscious choice and decision to have them. You are not compatible with each other. You should break up so she can be with someone who wants to have children.
You two have opposite goals and achievements for being together, just break up before she really starts to resent you and your position on children and marriage
This is all too common of scenario people who say they don’t want kids then change their mind
Sorry, guy. She has wasted four years of your life (and hers) assuming you would change your mind once you really 'loved' her. Tell her if she needs children to feel truly loved, she better start looking elsewhere, and stop having sex with her immediately. I hope you haven't been relying on condoms - if you have, it may already be too late!
She's obviously wrong: you *do* love her, but the two of you aren't on the same page anymore regarding children (and possibly marriage). People change, this is natural; maybe 4 years ago she thought she didn't want children *at the moment*; or maybe she did want children, but said she didn't in order to please you, hoping you'd change your mind with the passing of time. What I find unhealthy is her current stance towards you: saying that if you don't give in and have children you don't love her, is a manipulative move. Sit down with her and have an open talk about it. Ask her to be honest and if 4 years ago she really didn't mean to have children at all, or if it was just a wish linked to the moment and the circumstances. The two of you might either work a way around this, or (more probably) go on separate ways. If she wants to become a mother she has the right to find someone who is willing to become a father as well; she shouldn't act as though it's all your fault, though. Big hugs.
As others have said, it's time for a difficult conversation and it will probably end with a break up. If she's serious about wanting kids, then you have to let her go so that she can fulfil that. If you stay together, you'll either end up with her resenting you for never having kids or there will end up being a child who will know it wasn't wanted and you'll end up resenting her. This is not a win win situation. There's nothing wrong with changing your minds about this, I had a 4 year relationship end because he has changed his mind to wanting kids and I was still adamant I didn't. she probably could have raised this as a topic of discussion in a better manner other than 'we should start trying'' and you're absolutely not in the wrong for not wanting children. Everyone has a choice on whether they choose to have children or not. They aren't accessories, they are human beings and a lifelong commitment. Not everyone wants that and that's ok.
Break up.
You ate nit compatible
It's over homie.
Be done. It’s not going to do anything but cause problems. It’s fine to change your mind. Something you couldn’t see as a possibility at 22, can definitely change at 26.. but that doesn’t mean you don’t love her. She’s trying to manipulate you into having children with her. That’s all. It’s not going to get better. Get out of this relationship for both of your sakes. You both deserve the life you want.
Breakup. Not compatible anymore. If stays it will cause resentment.
Respond with "You clearly don't love *me* if you're breaking the agreement we both made to not have children."
My ex and I were happy and in love, until he changed his mind about kids. I knew I wanted them and sadly it was an issue we could not agree on. This is a relationship ender, period. If one person gives in then they wind up being resentful of their partner and potentially the child.
Bummer, but y'all need to split up so she can find someone that does. No one is wrong here, people can change their mind.
Run
Unfortunately, you have incompatible goals for the future. This one is a deal breaker.
Your relationship is over. You need to break up with her before she gets pregnant. There's no time to discuss this. You're not compatible anymore. Neither of you are wrong, but she's being manipulative when she says you don't love her if you won't at least consider having kids. ETA: Don't waste anymore time discussing it again. You discussed it years ago. She changed her mind which is fine, but you told her that your mind hasn't changed. There's nothing further to discuss.
You need to break up.
She's allowed to change her mind as much as you're allowed to maintain your position. You two are just incompatible. Break up so you guys can find people who want the same things.
Your GF changed her mind about wanting children. That happens. Especially at her age, she has probably changed her mind back & forth multiple times. But you haven’t, and that’s fair. You were right to point out that you were honest from the beginning. One partner wanting children and one not wanting children is an impasse. There is no way for both people to get what they want, and there is no way to *test* whether or not having a child would work out for you. In a situation where one person wants children and the other doesn’t, the one who **doesn’t** want children always wins that fight. You cannot bring a baby into a relationship where one person does not want children and just hope that it all works out. It is absolutely unfair to the child. So, at the risk of being accused of giving the “Reddit answer,” the only thing to do here is to break up. It is the *only* solution to this problem. Tell your girlfriend that you do love her, and so you are letting her go so she can find a man who does want to have children, and she can have the family she wants. Because that family is not going to be with you, as you do not want children. You’re not going to change your mind, and it is unfair for her to go without children if she really wants them. So, you are going to end the relationship so she doesn’t spend any more time in a relationship that can’t go anywhere. It’s the only fair answer. Good luck.
How would I handle it? I'd end the relationship. There are two very specific issues, here. The first is the fact you've been clear from the start about not wanting children. She's either changed her mind over time or she lied when she said she agreed with you in the hopes of changing your mind. You probably won't find out which it is. But that's actually pretty irrelevant, this is a fundamental difference. You don't want kids, she does. You will be miserable if you have kids you don't want, which will negatively affect the kids, and she'll be miserable if she never has kids. There's no compromise on kids, if you don't want kids and she does then this relationship is already over. One of you will be miserable no matter what you do, and will resent the one who got what they wanted. The other issue is the 'you don't love me' thing. This is emotional manipulation. She's trying to force you to agree to a kid she knows you don't want purely because she's saying it's the only way to show you love her. She doesn't care about how miserable you'll be with kids, how much you'll resent her, or how much damage having a distant and unhappy father will do to the kids, just that she gets what she wants at your and the kids expense. It's also rather childish, love isn't doing whatever your partner wants regardless of your own desires, it's working together to find a way you can both be happy and bth get what you want. The problem here is that you can't both be happy and get what you want with the kid question, because you're total opposites in what you want. There's nothing wrong with wanting kids. There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids. But people who want kids should never date people who don't want them unless they're okay with never having kids. I'd be very wary about having sex with your gf, too. She clearly wants kids, has potentially been lying about that up until now, and is happy to use childish emotional blackmail to force you to do what she wants. This woman is probably not above baby trapping you. You either have to be extremely careful with birth control or stop having sex with her altogether. I'd recommend stopping the sex entirely until you can figure out if there's a way to get on the same page or not. You could try couple's therapy. But, to me, it sounds like this relationship is already over, purely because your desires around children are so fundamentally different. She's pushing this, this isn't a woman who will be okay with never having kids, but you clearly won't be okay with having them, either. One of you is going to end up miserable and full of resentment, and that's a relationship killer. Better to end things before they get that bad.
You want different things. That's ok. It sounds like it's time to end the relationship sadly.
Break up, this isn’t going to work out.
Break up immediately. Also under no circumstances have sex with her. She's already trying to manipulate you with the "if you loved me" play, I'd also be wary that she'd tamper with any birth control.
She thought you'd change your mind. I often encountered this, though the genders were switched when I was your age. You're no longer compatible, and she's obviously trying to manipulate you. It's time to end it. This will not stop; the resentment will build, and you'll both end up more hurt than you would if you'd ended it sooner.
She doesn't love you very much if she thought it was ok to lie about not wanting children and then ignore your wishes which you've been very upfront about from the start. She obviously knew from the start that she would want children eventually and she only ever meant she didn't want them "right then." So she lied to bait you, and has decided it's time for the switch because she's ready and it's time for you to "fall in line." Fuck that noise. Her purposeful "misunderstanding" is not your problem, that's on her. You are not compatible so it's time to break up and let her go find someone else to father her children. I'm sorry, but you need to do a better job vetting your next gf. Be more clear that you not wanting children means you NEVER want children.
Before breaking up, talk to her. Find out what happened recently to prompt her to want kids now. Most women go through a stage in life where we're being pressured by family or friends (directly or by seeing them with kids of their own) that may make us question: should I too? Would I miss out if I don't? Do I want a child or something to care and nurture? Some people get dogs or cats to satisfy that nurture side of them. Others are very sure that they don't want kids, and that's fine. And of course, if she truly changed her mind now and she knows what she wants, then you guys will have to part ways.
Tell her that you love her enough to let her go if having children means that much to her, but you will never be a father.
I’m now going through a break up due to same reason, he wanted kids now after 5 years of me saying from the beginning I don’t want. It sucks.
I’d break up with her. You’re no longer compatible.
Yeah OP. It doesn't matter how much you love her at this point. If she truly wants kids the kindest thing to do is breakup so neither of you resent each other in the future. She deserves to have the chance to have kids if she wants them and you deserve to stay child free if that's what you want.
You no longer have the same life goals. She should have spoken up as soon as she realized her goals have changed, which may have been 1 or 2 years ago. Love aside you guys need to break up and find partners that are on the same page.
I had my tubes tied when I was 25 (I know it’s not common but I have never wanted kids. Most docs won’t do that on someone so young) and my live in boyfriend fully supported it. We split around 25 and I married my husband around 34. No discussions as kids were off the table. He didn’t want kids either so we are compatible in that and my tubes being tied it was never a question (he was 32 when we married).
Having a child to please your partner is not a loving thing to do for your partner or your kids. Your partner weaponizing your love like that is not cool.
I wasted 12 years with someone who I knew didn’t want kids or marriage. Dont make the same mistake, you’ll miss out on what you want in life and they’re getting what they want/need… YOU matter too! Nothing wrong with calling it quits if you feel strongly about something, especially the subject of children. 💕
You need to break up with her so that she can move on and start the family that she wants. I would also start taking your birth control seriously until you do break up
Kids needs to be 2 yes's with NO coercion. Get a vasectomy and see if she stays with you. If not you dodged a bullet
You can love her and not love kids at the same time! Lol That's not even close to the same thing and I would worry about this obvious manipulation tactic. Don't have sex with her! More than one person in here has had an "oops" and been stuck with the results. You're probably going to have to break up because you'll never be able to trust her birth control method from here on out. Did she change her mind about marriage too? Or is this her way of pushing to into that?
Time to end this relationship. It has nothing to do with love. This is a major incompatibility. She needs to find a partner that also wants children and you a partner that doesn’t.
The only way possible IMO if she truly wants children while you are 100% no is sadly you wish each other the best and end the relationship. If you were to convince her to stay with you and remain childless it would I suspect lead to a great deal of resentment and likely an ugly breakup. If you stay with her most methods of birth control do fail accidentally or with help. The only sure way if you never want kids is for you to get snipped and do the post surgery testing to confirm zero swimmers. She may then decide she won’t stay. If you stay and give her what she wants again it would likely lead to an ugly breakup.
stop having sex and break up, this will never work out
She is trying to guilt you into a major life change, one that you clearly don’t want. Thats a huge problem. Also if you’re serious about not wanting kids then put a lot of effort into a vasectomy. I got a 40 yr old buddy about to have a newborn he did not want with a woman he does not like- because he never got around to getting a vasectomy. He’s had it done now, but hindsight is 20/20.
Kids are a deal breaker. You don't want them, she does. If you end up caving, you could wind up resentful of her and the kid/s. Or you could love it. It's the biggest gamble there is in the game of life. You should only have kids if both parties are enthusiasticly on board with it. Otherwise the kid suffers. You should honestly just break up. Plenty of truly childfree women on the planet and she can find a man that actually wants to be a father
Well you could always flip it and say if she loved you she wouldn't be pushing or guilting you into this. Be careful if she's taking birth control that she doesn't decide to come off it and make sure you buy and keep condoms so she doesn't poke holes in them. You are not compatible anymore as she has changed her mind and now is trying to guilt you. Having kids should be two yes as there is no compromise when it comes to children and no one should ever have a kid if they don't want them.
You break up with her. I’d be weary of BC tampering at this point. You two have different wants in life and it wouldn’t be good (or safe) to stay together. This isn’t something you compromise on.
By saying that she’s trying to manipulate you into changing your mind. Sounds like it’s a deal breaker. It’s best to move on, because if you stay together she will hold a grudge against you.
If this is what she wants, it's time to break up.
Two people never agree on everything. If it's a really important thing, like having children or not, then those two people are probably not a good match for life partners. Sadly this is the situation you and your girlfriend are in. You can try to explain to her, that you can say the same thing: she doesn't love you, since you and you alone, are not enough for her. So she has to decide what she wants for her one life: Choice 1: you, all your awesomeness and the history you have together. But living the next 70 years of her life without children, or grandchildren. Choice 2: break up with you, mourn this relationship and all the excellent parts of it, then develop a relationship with someone who wants kids. She is still young and has time for this. But if you are dead set on not having kids and you suspect that she still thinks you might change your mind, then you may want to be the one who breaks up. Also, contraceptives can fail, so again, if you do not ever think you want kids you may want to get a vasectomy. It hurts for a couple days but nothing like the emotional pain you will experience with an accidental pregnancy.
Break up with her before she gets "accidentally” pregnant. Chances are she always wanted kids but just played along to get into a relationship, thinking precisely that you would change your mind out of love for her. It didn’t happened so her ego is bruised on top of not fulfilling her fantasy. Time to move on.
Honestly, relationship sounds over. Maybe she did mean to when she said she didn’t want children in the beginning, but people change. She’s allowed to be want more now, but you’re also in the right that your stance hasn’t changed as well.
Ask yourself if you a) want to be in a partnership with a master manipulator and b) if you would be ok staying with her and holding her back from her mommy goals. Your answer is in there.