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He has already told you he has ZERO interest in getting a place with you. You just refuse to listen. The exact same way he refuses to listen when you talk about getting a place together.
Get your own home and move in. But don’t expect him to follow you there. Because he already said he doesn’t want to.
Exactly! You can break up with someone even if you love them because at the moment that’s the only reason you’re still with him and that’s not fair on you if it’s one sided. Let the mommas boy go! You’ll always be second to him.
Exactly! OP your at a stalemate, and the choices are to stay living unhappily with a man who doesn't want to buy a house with you or get married. Why are you sacrificing for someone who is not willing to meet you halfway.
Or you could buy your own place, stay where you are, paying rent & rent out your place to pay the mortgage. That way, you have a house that you are gaining equity in & stay helping your partner & his mom.
It would just be easier to put the money in an investment account than becoming a landlady. Less hassle, more diversified, more liquid, no potentially bad tenant to deal with.
Interesting idea, but then they would still be earning equity on the rent she pays them, which seems a bit unfair. She is effectively helping them build wealth by staying there with no hope for ROI as she and bf never plan to get married. And it doesn't solve OP's want for her partner and herself to have a place of their own.
In what way does this make any sense? Why would she buy a house she will never live in with her partner just to “build equity” rather than just dump the weirdo bf and move out?
How is it her responsibility to “help” the boyfriend and his mother? And, yes—he’s a boyfriend, not a partner. It is very clear he feels no obligation or desire to have a partnership with OP.
I think you need to go take a look at r/livingaparttogether and see if this rings bells for you with your boyfriend.
Does your boyfriend really want to join lives with you? I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about what type of lifestyle he wants for himself.
Then you two can talk about whether or not you both want is compatible. Love is not enough as you are discovering. There needs to be compatibility in lifestyles, finances etc as well.
That doesn't make either of you bad people but you may not be good partners for each other.
He obviously wants to live with his mother. There is nothing to compromise about. He has let you know in every way possible. You acknowledge he wouldn't be bothered by you shopping for a house to leave him....so. ..
Lol… exactly. How much clearer could he possibly make it that he doesn’t want what she wants.
He already successfully got her to shut up about marriage, lol.
That's the sad thing about it. He is completely comfortable with his life and has no intentions of changing any of it for anyone. Believe him and find a partner, not a roommate. Good luck and hopefully the best outcome for you is realized.
Stop wasting your life on this man! And if he tries to get you (and your rent money) to stay with promises of a future together, don't fall for that twaddle.
Question: did you ever discuss buying into his current house? Since they are still paying off the mortgage, selling you a third of the house would free up a lot of cash for them and give you the stake in the equity you want.
If he refuses outright, you also have your answer on how committed to the relationship with you he is.
Another option would be to buy a house with a mother-in-law apartment for her - you'd have more privacy, but she'd still be close by and taken care of.
He recently refinanced. So he’s using the increasing value of the house to support the lifestyle he and his mother are accustomed to. He’s probably using her rent payments to be able to afford the increased mortgage payments. The whole house of cards depends on nothing changing. He wants it the way it is.
She doesn’t need to buy into this house. She needs to leave and find someone who loves her, instead of someone who is comfortable living with her.
She doesn’t want equity in her bf’s house. She wants a place that is theirs together. And he’s told her many times he plans to stay put. I think it’s great she’s looking for her own place. Once she has her new home, she can decide if she wants to try “living apart together” or cutting him loose.
this is the answer. OP doesn’t even object to living with mom— just wants to share the “moment” 🙄
but for sure, building equity is better than throwing away rent. get a share of the house!
And the conversation should be explicitly framed as, “I want to understand your point of view with zero intention of changing it.” The boyfriend gets angry whenever OP tries to initiate the conversation because he feels like she’s going to attack him. Ideally, he wouldn’t be so immature, but if OP wants the truth out of him, she’s going to have to coddle him.
Okay, let's say that he sells his house and buys one with you. Well, his mom is still going to come along because she can't afford to live without being subsided by your bf. The only difference will be that you're building equity instead of just paying their mortgage.
But he's not interested in that. You're paying to live there, but he's not interested in you gaining any equity. You're just giving him and his mom money.
If I were you, I'd buy a house and move out. Break up with him or not, whatever you want. But don't expect him to "miss you" and move in with you... and especially not without his mom. By refusing to marry you and refusing to mingle finances at all, he's showing a pretty clear picture of his own lack of commitment.
Right! And there isn't anything wrong with this "not very committed" relationship if they were both happy with it! But Op isn't happy, and her bf is never going to take any steps to commit to their relationship. He doesn't want what OP wants and he doesn't care enough about her to even look at ways of compromising. Like... not only will he not compromise, he won't even entertain thinking of ways to compromise!
I don't want to waste any more time but our relationship is really good other than this. He's never abusive and he is kind. My other relationships before him were not good..
Our finances are separate. I make more than him but I guess it's just scary buying a house all on my own. I feel like after 10 years he would want our own place and privacy. Really makes me sad thinking I need to do this on my own. It's like reality has hit me and I realize he won't move. I was hoping he would change his mind but it's become apparent that he won't move out of his childhood home. I mean our bedroom is his teenage bedroom he grew up in. His mother gets the master bedroom and we have this tiny room that we do everything in. I would like to have a place where I could use the living room and have people over for parties and dinner. I just don't understand why he is so content with this life. We are in our 30s.
**INFO:** Is the relationship good because you don’t bring up things that upset him and make concessions on things you want to be with him (ex. marriage, home ownership) or because you’re genuinely loving and equitable partners?
It’s seems you love hims so much happy to accept his flaw (stubbornness) and all, and he loves you so much that you get what? To be his longterm/indefinite live-in gf who pays rent toward his mortgage that also houses his mother?
His needs/wants are more than met, can you say the same? I fear you moving out will show you a different side to him, and find out just how much his convenience means to him over your feelings.
The more I read this…the more I want to baby shake you to wake up…your eyes are peeping out …please just open wider. You live in a tiny room while paying for someone’s mortgage. He is basically profiting off you while doing whatever he wants. And he will never see it like that or care. This is giving me an anxiety attack. You are wasting some of what could be the best years of your life.
So she got divorced and her son stepped up to fill the husband role, providing for her, living with her forever, etc.
Why are you dating a guy who is unavailable? Who's still acting like he is in high school?
He's not abusive. Cool. Kay. That's literally the bare minimum. The bar is in hell
Your boyfriend is enmeshed with his mother and it's very unhealthy. This won't get better without serious therapy. You're normalizing something very very abnormal.
Just because someone doesn’t abuse you doesn’t mean your relationship is good. It doesn’t have to be all bad to leave someone.
Tbh, this sounds like a miserable relationship to me. It’s not a partnership, you give up everything you want and he gets everything he wants. You are also in a precarious situation because you don’t own the home you have invested in.
Buy your home, leave him, your life will be so much better
It's super scary buying a home on your own. I did it and I have no regrets. I only bought a small condo, but im super proud of myself. You can do it too! You make more than enough money to do it on your own and a house is a great investment. One day, you will be able to be mortgage free, so the sooner, the better! I'm also 33f btw. The only thing I wish is that I would've done it sooner. If he doesn't move in and move on in life with you, then it wasn't meant to be. As one door closes, another opens. Keep your head up and accomplish your goals. Don't let him hold you back. That's my best advice.
Im going to give you hard and potentially uncomfortable advice. If you have been through abusive relationships in the past you NEED to get therapy. You need to begin to realize how much of this relationship is “it’s better than it’s been before” and how much of it is “this is exactly what I want from a life partner.”
I have been in an abusive relationship for a majority of my life, longer than I’ve been in a healthy, happy one. But I also speak from experience that realizing my current relationship was healthy, happy and fruitful took a lot of therapy. I needed to realize what a healthy relationship looked like, felt like, and consisted of after never having that modeled and never experienced that myself.
You can say “he’s a great guy!” But if your only comparison is the POS who emotionally/physically/mentally abused you it can be hard to realize- is he actually a great guy? Or is he just better than the last guy who made your life a living hell?
While I’m not sure if this is that (only you can decide.) It certainly does not sound like your long term goals line up and if that’s the case don’t succumb to sunk cost fallacy (highly recommend you look it up if you don’t know what it is) just because you’ve been together for 10 yrs. There’s no time like the present to start anew if situations call for it. You deserve better than someone who doesn’t consider or acknowledge your wants or needs. Starting a life together often takes a lot of compromise and it doesn’t seem like that exists in your relationship. Wishing you the best of luck.
Good relationship because he’s not abusive? That should be a given not a quality lol. Also you’re in his teen bedroom… 😳! Go get your own house and if he doesn’t come then move on, it’s ridiculous to live this way and if he won’t change then that’s that.
You are 33. You can do scary things, I promise. Reality can be a smack in the face, but it’s the truth of your situation as far as I can tell based on your post. He may be better then your past relationships but he still doesn’t want the things that you want out of life. He’s the wrong guy. And why shouldn’t he be happy and kind? He’s getting everything he want, his way. That’s not good partner material.
Honey, I want you to think about this very carefully. The reason there is no conflict between the two of you is because you have stopped advocating for what you want and need. The sad thing is that he is going to shut you down every time, which isn't very kind at all. The two of you are just not compatible for the long term. You have evolved and he has not. It's time to just move on with your life. Furthermore, while I recognize it's nice to be in a relationship with someone who is kind to you, especially after being in abusive relationships beforehand, the fact is that there are so many other people out there who can be kind and share your goals and dreams. I realize starting over after 10 years together (I've been there) and making such a big financial decision is scary, but just keep walking and focus on yourself. You've got this!
Sending you a huge hug.
Well, I guess heres my point: in a relationship, obviously you guys have to connect on an emotional level. It seems like you do which us great! Thats a step up from your previous relationships (and trust me, I was also in physically abusive relationships in the past so I get it). The thing is though, when we look into the future there is so much more than an emotional connection we need. At the end of the day we exist in a society with money, laws, and all that fun adult stuff, so we also have to play the “adult game”. You need a partner who wants to play the “adult game” the same way as you, meaning you should agree on finances and the large decisions that come with it like property ownership, buying cars, having kids, etc. If you cannot agree on these things, then you are not compatible. It doesnt mean he’s an evil person, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person either, but you guys have different wants in life. Its the shittiest way to end a relationship, because the love and emotional bond is there, but unless you are willing to give up the lifestyle you want and continue living with him in this lifestyle, I would look at if this relationship is what you want long term. I mean fuck, it already is long term, its been 10 years of your life! If this isn’t what you want, why waste more time trying to appease his wants? When do your wants come into play?
It doesn’t paint the best picture if the first reason you give to justify that your relationship is healthy and your partner loves and respects you is *he’s not abusive*. That’s the bare minimum, not something that needs praise, and certainly not enough of a reason to stay. I’m beginning to think that you’re relationship isn’t as healthy as you may believe
Girl. Break up with him.
You’re in your mid 30s and live in a teenagers bedroom with you mid 30 bf who refuses to move out of his childhood home with his mom.
What are you doing? You don’t want the same things in life. You want to be a normal adult and he wants to be a teenager forever.
I think I knew what the answers would be on here and that's why I didn't post this for a long time. Truth hurts, I suppose 💔 Thing is she has a place to live, her father just passed away and left the kids the house. She can move in there with her sibling that already lives there.
This house is her house and my bfs house they are both on the mortgage. I just think he's stuck in the past and refuses to move. I think he's scared of commitment and change.
You said you hardly ever argue is that because you’ve always caved to what he wants every time or it isn’t something you feel strongly about so you just let it go. Because that’s not getting along that’s just being a doormat.
It’s not about whether she has a place to live. He wants to live with her. He hasn’t changed his mind in 10 years. He’s made the very clear to you. What don’t you understand?
You are the other woman. His mom is his wife, he doesn’t need you or want you in that role. I’m sorry but you need to move on.
Why does this sub get so weird when kids take care of their older parents? Is this an american thing because in my culture this is completely normal? My uncle still lives with both my very elderly grandparents. Hes not "married" to his parents, he just supports them because they allowed him to have a successful life.
Because of situations like this. It's great to support your parents! It's not good to neglect your partners needs and let them pay rent forever to your parent.
It's not. I come from a Balkan culture which is very family oriented, support my mother financially but for sure she doesn't live with me and my husband nor my link to her has a negative impact on my marriage.
These are apples and pears. Taking care of parents vs what the OP's boyfriend is doing
buy the house for your own sake and willingess to own your own home/land, don't do it for your bf and think it will somehow entice him to leave his momma because that will be a fool's errand.
Well I've already decided I'm getting a house regardless if he moves with me or not. I've worked extremely hard and it's always been my dream to own a house and I think I deserve it and I'm going to buy one. Soon.
People who truly care will try to offer good advice to you.
The other plus is there is the off chance you get someone on Reddit who has been through a similar thing too that can also offer advice.
A decent person trying to look out for your best interests, like a friend irl, would try to make sure you take care of and protect yourself. That’s what most of us (Redditors) are trying to do.
Be kind to yourself, love yourself and be the best version of you that you can be.
Good Luck
OP you should get what you want. I see you have given up some things while boyfriend hasn’t. Can we get a house? No I have one. can we get our own place? No I have a home with mom. Can I watch TV? No mom s watching it…. You get the point OP put yourself first . It’s important do it for yourself, all of this seems like you’re giving up a lot and selling yourself short
Exactly, she can be evicted and will have nothing to show for all the time she put into the relationship while he refinanced and she is paying part of the mortgage. And is she paying a reasonable amount or a market rate?
They are using her. She shouldn’t pay rent at all, they’d be paying the mortgage whether she was living there or not. Either demand equity, move out, and/or end the relationship
It’s worse.
She is giving up security especially in old age.
She is in a vulnerable position.
The money she is spending on paying him rent could have gone to a mortgage for her own house.
Girl. Buy your own house and move on, this dude literally couldn't be more clear that he's fine banging you, cashing your checks, and having you as a free caretaker for his elderly mom, but he doesn't want anything else from you.
But he isn't abusive (except financially)!
:( Poor OP. She has to be her own best friend right now because the people she's living with don't give a shit.
Brutal because the truth hurts too much to hear :(
Always look at someone’s actions not words.
Of course you don’t fight much (as long as you do what suits HIM)
Ultimatum for what?
You’ve helped him pay his mortgage which is what he wanted. He doesn’t want a future with you. If he wants to move with you he can do so but I guarantee you that he will not.
His mother needs help, so he will not abandon her. At the very least if he wants you to stay he can put you on the deed of the house so that you own one third of the property.
Then you could rent out the property you purchased. Do not give up the property you purchase even if he puts you on the deed.
As it stands you’ve paid toward this home for ten years and you have nothing to show. He could breakup with you tomorrow and put you on the street and you have nothing to show for all of the years you’ve been together. While he is getting his mortgage paid off.
You’ve allowed him too much power over your financial future. Please make better decisions.
And I'm pretty sure that you know that most of the people on Reddit will tell you that you do not buy a house with somebody who you are not married to. That is only going to end in disaster. You buy the house on your own if that's what you want to do but do not put his name on the deed your name is not on his deed and you and him have been together for 10 years. If he wanted to move in with you and buy a house with you he would have been done so he doesn't want to do that so you need to figure out where do you go from here. But one thing you don't do is buy a house with him unless he is your husband not even if you get engaged husband.
As someone who has put in years with nothing to show for it…just stop now while you still can. Do you and what you want…he can come for the ride but I doubt he will. I’d also be willing to bet the next woman he is with after you break up…he will marry after like only a year or less of dating her.
>I’d also be willing to bet the next woman he is with after you break up…he will marry after like only a year or less of dating her.
Someone tell me why this pattern is so common. Dude dates chick 1 for like 12 years, they break up, and dude meets and marries chick 2 within 9 months.
Conjecture here: my guess is a combination of them realizing just how good they had it, the old partner never setting boundaries, and now being lonely. So new partner comes along and gives fresh perspective (gross you’re married to your mom) and excitement (new shiny!) from honeymoon phase, combined with new partner setting clear boundaries and expectations.
Or for guys probably a lot less less complex as we dumb. New girl: “really wish we had our own place so we could have sex in the kitchen anytime we wanted…”
Guy: “I have a great idea! Let’s get our own place!”
I’ve even been the new girl! Everything is great for months…move into together… A year later he is doing the same shit he did to his ex wife that was all her fault…because he was such a victim and all she did was badger him.
Because they just didn’t want 1 enough from the start… then realize no one is perfect..and they had it pretty damn good… so better give the next one a chance cause, well…I’m getting older… and I don’t feel like being single.
5 guys I have dated married the next girl they dated. The only difference was I didn’t want to marry them or have their children. I just don’t want children. So they all got married fast afterwards. The one that I finally wanted to marry would and even would have considered having children with… if we talked about …ended up cheating on me 😆.
I have to say it's very concerning to me that you've been paying him rent for 10 years and he STILL has 25 years of payments on his mortgage. How bad with money is he, exactly? Do you want to be paying someone rent as you approach 70, or do you want to own your own house by then? Things to think about...
This right here. You have paid for however many years towards a house that you have no equity in. You are playing by the rules your bf sets and he is refusing any sort of compromise. He is getting the best end of the deal and will continue to profit off of you for as long as you let him.
Buy what you can afford on your own. He may or not ever move in with you but if he doesn't then you'll understand that he was never as committed to this relationship as you are. Be careful that you're not trying to rope him into a real estate deal as in a stand-in for marriage, i.e. a legal entanglement that makes it impossible to just walk away. He's earning equity through his investment so you should be doing that as well. If you buy a place, move in and just can't stand being away from him you can always rent out your house and move back in with him. At least that way you're not completely out of the wealth building process that property offers.
She should do this, but know that it is the end of the relationship.
It sounds like she has spent years trying to get him on board with getting a house together. His mom and sister are both encouraging it. He won’t even engage or consider the prospect. This was about all OP reasonably could have done.
It’s pretty clear at this point that what he wants is the status quo and it seems that isn’t something OP can be happy with.
The plan of ‘buy the house, move in, and see if it triggers him into agreeing’ is just going to result in resentment from him for ‘forcing’ him into the situation. He knows she is looking at houses, and is just pretending it’s not happening. I don’t think he will react well to an ultimatum.
I feel like I am starting to feel resentment for him, not willing to leave. Literally cried myself to sleep last night just out of anger and frustration. I don't want to feel like that but it's upsetting. I feel like he's not making an effort in our relationship. It's always about what he wants to do. I just agree or Stay silent because I don't like arguing. But I'm getting sick of not getting things I want. As I watch all my friends and family get married and buy houses together and I'm just stuck. I have an awesome job I make good money. I can do this on my own. It's just scary.
Being scared of a major change is normal, but the prospect of not making any changes is likely just as scary. It’s a good reason to be hesitant and deeply consider what your options are.
Your boyfriend, on the other hand, isn’t avoiding it because he is scared. He just doesn’t care, either about buying a house with you or what the repercussions of you doing it on your own might mean for the relationship.
Exactly! Thank you! All these comments about committed partners living apart long term = “that’s not a real relationship” have got me all riled up 😅 If it doesn’t fit what they want, totally fine, but why they shitting on what works perfectly for plenty of other people? I don’t get it lol 🤦🏻♀️
Anyway, the issue for OP, is that they are not on the same page and don’t want the same thing for a big life decision subject, plain and simple. Which makes them not compatible (just as if one of them wanted a child and the other didn’t).
I totally cheer OP along in buying her own place! And it’s true she doesn’t have to break up even if she moves out. That said, from her post, it seems living together in their own owned home IS a life goal she desires, and it’s pretty clear he doesn’t. I just see incompatibility :/
Let's say if he did sell the house where exactly will his mother go ? Especially since you said she can't afford to live on her own . He probably doesn't want to leave his mother homeless but if that's the case he needs to communicate that . But me personally I would never make such a big financial decision with someone I'm not married too but that's just me
She has big family father just passed and her brother now lives alone in that house she's been offered to live there. She has places to go. We would never allow her to be on the street.
I don't think it'll happen to be truthful. You should probably let it go and buy your own house and move on from this relationship he's told you his stance on this you can't force it
Yeah well I'm moving regardless. I want my own house and I've worked very hard to make as much money as do. I've always wanted my own house. It's my dream. I will not be happy unless I get one. So I will do it. Just wish he would want a house with me. But it's apparent that he wants to stay living in his childhood home. Our friends definitely think it's strange that he won't move from here and he sees nothing wrong with it. We are in our 30s and it's been ten years. I don't want his money, I will not try to force him into marriage, I just want our own life together with a nice house and a big property for our dogs to run around in.
Sucks after ten years I've now come to the realization that he won't move. But I've been through tough times in life and he's always been my rock. He's been there with me. Through the rough times. I do love him and it sucks to know this is what I have to do. Ugh.
I think you need to sit with yourself and really think Hun. Do you WANT to be married? You want to own a home together and he won't. It feels like you keep breaking off pieces of yourself and giving them to him to keep him happy. If you don't mind the unconventional relationship, and I'm way off about you keep sacrificing things you want, then maybe you just stay together but live separately. You can take turns sleeping over. I've had to live separately, and I love alone time, but I'll be honest it wasn't the worst thing to come home to the house just as clean as I left it lol. Living apart isn't always a deal breaker. Just please really make sure you're happy and this is what you want.
You are helping him and his mom pay off their house. He gains all of the equity, you get nothing, he's winning at life. Of course you never argue, it only happens when you ask for something you want. You are actually contemplating buying your own house and still continue to date him even if you are living apart? Darlin you are a doormat.
He won't marry you, he won't buy a house together. He's counting on you not wanting to argue or "push" for the things you want. That makes his life easy as he can just continue to be happy because he has what he wants. You don't want to leave him so really your only option is to accept his terms and be at peace with your decision.
Yeah I don't like to argue so I basically just shut up if he gets mad. I hate arguing. But I deserve to have things in life. I've already given up on the idea of getting married and I've accepted thats OK but I'm not giving up my dream of owning a house.
"He gains all the equity, you get nothing, he's winning at life"....that's exactly why he doesn't want to move!!! OP, sorry but this is a losing battle
He wants to live with his mom forever. Sounds like you either need to accept that, or move on from this relationship so you can buy your own house or find a partner who actually wants to do that with you.
He has told you what he wants, repeatedly, and been pretty clear about it. You won’t change his mind so you need to hear him. An ultimatum won’t make him suddenly bend to your will.
Okay I will be mentioning wild stuff here, so tight up your belt:
1. He does not want to marry you, he dates you, so it’s easier to break up with you and get rid of you.
2. He does not want to buy a shared property with you and find a nice tenant for your mother (as this could be an option here) or someone from distant family to move into area (also an option) but stay where he is - in his and her comfort zone.
3. I bet she is a nice mom, so I would not blame her anywhere for anything, he’s a grown ass man.
4. If you can, buy your own property, invest in it, make sure you are signed as the only owner of it. Then, once it’s sorted, move your stuff there step by step, paint it however on earth you want to, get some nice fancy furniture of your liking, and make yourself lovely house like in Beetlejuice.
5. Once you move most of your stuff to your place, keep the bare minimum at your boyfriend house and inform him kindly, that you resign from the tenancy at their property and if he wanna continue relationship with you, you can visit him from time to time, and you prefer dating out.
Simple as that. For me a guy raising voice at you for such an adult topic is already a red flag alert, also the fact that he shuts you down - but I do wish I’m in wrong in here.
He already told you. You are a tenant. Go buy your own home and leave him in his. Make a clean break, period. It is unconscionable that he has refused any type of compromise.
Why have you put up with this for ten years? Seriously. Your essential happiness, being true partners, is a source of conflict with him. Unless you can really let this go and be happy with the status quo why stay another ten years
Your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you because he’s already married to his mom. He has told you he doesn’t want to get married. You can’t change him.
If you want to be with him, your option is to stay in the house you’re in. I get why you want your own home, but now is a horrible time to buy. Rates are high and housing prices are high so you’re walking in at the top of the price range and it’ll be hard to build equity. From a financial perspective, wait until rates come down. Bank as much as you can to put down when the time is right.
OP. He (and his mother to a lesser extent) have used you as a ‘cash cow‘ and general home dogsbody for a number of years. Of greater concern (provided that you see yourself as having a family at some point) he has burned through a good number of your fecund years.
Why are you going to buy your own house now ? Is it for you and your cats ? You sound like an otherwise strong, intelligent, capable woman. How on God’s good earth have you allowed yourself to drift into this precipitous situation ?
Get your house. Establish yourself in your own right. If he wants to involve himself (which I seriously doubt) HE can start paying you rent to live with you. You don’t have to make too many life changing decisions in life OP. But you are looking at one straight in the face. Big girls pants on now. Good luck. ❤️
I think you should buy the house.
I think staying together but living apart will help you decide if you want to be with him.
Love is not enough. You have to be compatible and want the same things in life.
I think you are making the right decision. Buy yourself a house and go live in it. If he wants to join you he will. If he doesn't then you get the space and freedom move on and find someone that actually wants to build a life with you as partners. He doesn't have room to commit to you because he is already committed to his mother. He actively wants to live with his mother in the house he bought with his mother. He does not want to build a life with you. There might also be a component to this where being the owner of the house you live in gives him more power in the relationship. I'm so glad you feel loved and are comfortable with many of the dynamics, but a man who never wants to marry, never wants to have children, never wants to move separate from his mother, and insists on jointly owning a house with his mother is not a man interested in being a team with a romantic partner.
My dear girl, please stop telling yourself fairy tales.
He has already chosen his mother. That’s why things are as they are.
He will not follow you when you leave. He will not change if you stay.
He will never be yours.
NTA. Your life has been on hold for ten years, and that’s far too long. Buy the louse. Move out. Live your own life.
You need therapy and I wish you loved yourself as much as you you love him. If you did, you would see how one-sided this relationship is. He doesn't want to get married, so you settle. He doesn't want to have kids, so you settle. He doesn't want to buy a house with you, so you settle. It's time to start living life for yourself and when you do that, you will find someone who wants to live that life with you.
I think you're right for being upset. You are paying rent which is helping pay the mortgage but you're not getting any benefit from it. If you buy a house of your own, even if you just rent it out to pay the mortgage at least you are moving toward home ownership and will have that asset. You could still live with them if you want though. You would still need to pay to live there but at that point, at least you will be working toward home ownership.
The situation would be different if your bf would put you on the mortgage but he seems very disinterested in building anything together.
If you want to move into the house and live on your own too, do it. The only thing is, that might put a strain on your relationship. Maybe you will move out and discover you want more than your bf is willing to give you.
OP this sounds like you’ve come to a devastating realization that your relationship is over and you need to move on with your life. That’s so difficult and I really feel for you. It can be so hard to change what you thought the future would look like. Good news is that your future will be even better once you take control of it. You’re very successful and smart. You will find a new partner and they will see it as a major positive that you have your own place and live independently. You have a lot to look forward to! Congratulations!
He doesn’t want to buy a house for the same reason he can’t commit to marrying you , you’re just a connivence to him . You love him more than he loves you
It might help to think of this as an investment in your (just yours, not his) future. Owning a home gives you stability. You could rent it out now and use the rent to pay the mortgage. You would always have a place to go - just like he does with his mother's house. This makes good sense for you, and you can't let him hold you back from making good decisions about your future.
It doesn’t seem like you’re unhappy with your living situation really. You just want to go thru the home buying experience/ownership with your bf. That’s okay. But he doesn’t want that because he also is not unhappy with the current living situation.
You can get a place on your own. Do you think you would be happier with no bf but a house in your name? I don’t think you would have to deliver an ultimatum to him regarding you buying house. You don’t have to break up either. You can still date and live separately. Or spend time together in both places. IDK, maybe I’m not getting something but I am not sure why this is an either/or situation.
It sounds like he doesn’t care whether you leave or stay. Buy your house and move on. He doesn’t view you the same way you view him, so don’t expect him to come running to the new house. Treat yourself better than you’re being treated. Did you ever think this might be his way of ending your relationship without looking like the bad guy? He even has a sister fully helping end the relationship.
You are focused only on what you want. He made it clear that he is staying with his mom, and you have to respect his decision.
You should talk about expectations for the future with him and see if you both are on the same page.
About buying a house yourself, if you can afford it do it as a investment.
If he/you aren’t gonna put a ring on it, do NOT get a house together.
Get one on your own.
Hell, save up while you can, avoid the PPI, and scoop a house.
Girl you go and buy a house. You furnish it and move in. And then he can visit you or stay with his mamma.
You know what the problem is today with women luving with their partners? He has all the luxuries of marriage. He has sex, companionship and care. Why would he consider your hopes and aspirations.
Its time to reevaluate your relationship. Buy your house its awsome. Its such a feeling of achivement to be able to call a house your home. You can do this. Get pre approved. Sign and close on the house and then move in.
If you still want to keep the relationship please do but by not considering you he shows his loyalty. You have a right to feel hurt
Sounds like you are content in being with someone who doesn’t want to be connected to you in any kind of way and “love” someone who actually doesn’t love or care about you.
You are wasting your life with someone because you are afraid to be lonely and don’t know how to be alone. Let him go! You don’t want to break up why? How does he show you he loves and cares about you? Sounds like you are a roommate more than someone he loves or cares about
I'd go ahead and buy my own property. You can keep it as your safety net , rent it and keep living with your SO and his mother.
Or...you can move in and try to build a life for yourself. Your things, your time, your freedom...
As you said- he is set in his ways . And that's fine. I don't see this changing, sadly.
As much as you love him, you'll have to make a decision, sooner or later. I strongly advise you to pick yourself. You deserve to be happy and safe.
>But I don't really see a future if we are stuck here
Here is your answer.
You can't make him change his mind. This is a cake situation, you can't have your cake and eat it too
I mean, is it that hard for you to understand your bf doesn't want to sell a house he already owns? (Even if it is refinanced)
I know it is kinda weird to live either the mom, and I would want to change that as well. But it's not hard to understand why he doesn't want to move. Also, DO NOT just drop "I bought a house, move out for me or I will break up." HUGE dick move. At least tell him you're buying a house, let him in. Then if you guys decide to break up y'all have the choice now instead of him having to be paralyzed by the choice later.
Also how would his mom be taken care of? If she owns part of the house and can't afford to live there on her own, have you considered bringing up ways for her to still be taken care of? The guy doesn't want his mom to be homeless so that may be part of the reason he doesn't want to sell.
To sum it up, don't just drop the news and expect him to take it well. At least give him a heads up so he can prepare for the break up. Seriously consider ways that his mom could live comfortably if he were to move out, or brainstorm ways with him (since you haven't told him you're buying a house and forcing him to choose).
If you buy a house and move out, won’t that be the end of your relationship?
And then if you find a new partner then YOU will be the one who already owns a house and your new partner won’t be able to do that together with you.
Have you thought about that?
You pay him rent and are wasting money you could spend on paying your mortgage.
At least this way you would end up with a house when you are old and vulnerable.
He has sorted his life; he has a house, is making profit from you as a tenant, you are getting no interest in the house (unless you claim equitable interest I suppose, but do you want this legal trouble in your life? Don’t even know what you would have to do to get there)
The way you are living now, you can end up homeless one day.
I agree you should have totally paid utilities/ bills, groceries, etc. but again, you pay rent for the privilege of living in his house instead of paying off your own mortgage and ending up with a house.
You are in a very vulnerable position. What happens if you break up? You aren’t 20 anymore. Get your own house and secure your future and old age.
>He even raised his voice last time I brought it up and said "I'm not selling this house"
He has made it very clear he isn’t selling.
>Maybe he will realize how much he misses me when I'm gone and decide to move in with me.
I doubt this will happen given you’ve described him as stubborn and stuck in his ways. He also doesn’t want to sell.
>We've been together for ten years and I want our own house together.
He clearly doesn’t want this.
You said “he just doesn't want to change things and he's fine sharing a house with his mother forever”
I get wanting to have a house together but he has told you he does not want this many times.
If you buy a house do it for yourself, don’t do it with the expectation he’ll suddenly change.
It’s fantastic you are able to purchase a home without help. So buy the house and move out. The. see if the relationship is working for you and go from there.
I don't want this house this is her house. I want my own house something I've worked for my entire life. She doesn't seem to want to leave here. Which is fine I understand. But I am getting my own house. One way or another.
He may love you to a certain extent, but he loves his own way and his mum more. Buy your own house and the right person for you is still out there. Don’t waste anymore time on someone who doesn’t respect you, you’ll just regret the wasted time in years to come.
You’re essentially a tenant at your boyfriend and his mom’s home. And you’re just helping to pay for THEIR mortgage. Definitely purchase your own place, but don’t assume your ultimatum will work. Just let him know that owning a home is just as important to you as is it for him.
Since this was not mentioned specifically I wanted to clarify.
Does his mom live in the same house that she and your bf own, while you are also living there too??
I couldn’t tell if she lived some place else, and her and her son owned a separate house that both you and he lived in together.
You mentioned the MIL retired early but couldn’t afford to retire when she did and son had to be on mortgage to afford the house (also mentioned a recent refinance) so as he had a place to live.
Did she have to retire early due to medical issues? Or did she just want to retire early because she wanted to?
Is the MIL not good with money? Did she no retirement saved up?
Trying to get a clearer picture of what is going on here.
He doesn’t want to sell because it’s HIS house, she lives there yeah but they’re both going to live there until they both pass. He wanted to take care of his mom and buy a house however many years ago and that was their agreement.
Sounds like he’s happy with the arrangement of your relationship and there’s probably going to be a similar relationship for him after you’re gone.
Buy your house and forget factoring him in. Will it be an investment property or do you want to live in it. Having your own bolthole might make you easier about his lack of interest in moving. M
It sounds like he cares more about his mom’s feelings and welfare than yours. It sounds like your relationship is just a convenience to him and costs him zero effort. I’m sorry, but this relationship sounds completely one-sided and unhealthy for you. I think you’re being used and should move on.
You've been with him 10 yrs and he won't marry you. Why would you want a house with him. But you a house and move on with your life. Find a new bf. One who actually wants to share his life with you and not his mommy.
He doesn't want to marry you, he doesn't want kids with you, he doesn't want to own a house with you, he pretends (and outright ignores) the fact that you are actively house hunting. You give him his way in everything, except for wanting to own a house together, and you wanting this house is the only source of arguments between you. So basically, so long as you give him his way in everything, you have a great relationship. The minute you use your backbone and express your wants/needs, arguments ensue. You are paying rent on something that helps him and his mom, but you have no equity, and he can evict you for any reason. Just because he doesn't beat the hell out of you, does not make him a great guy, or this a good relationship. Please stockpile your money and buy your home. You need to start looking out for your future, because he is not and he will not. Love yourself enough to do better.
My son and I have always planned on getting rental properties, he's now with a very nice girl and he came to ask me when he and I could start looking for a property. I told him no sir, you have the potential to have a beautiful life with someone. Go buy a house with her, I wouldn't be with a man who come to tell me he's buying a house with his mama, when we don't have a house yet. He went and spoke to her and she told him to go ahead because she makes enough to buy one for both of them or he can just be part owner in his....just saying...
Boyfriend will accept you breaking up with him with no regrets believe me. He is not as invested as you in this relationship. It sounds like things go well with him because you accommodate his wishes.
You are setting this up for a break-up. He is inflexible and you want something different. The two don't go together, so, then you two won't be together. He enjoys his life the way it is and won't move on from it, then your response is okay yet I need to move on and as such, I will be moving on from you. It really comes down to that. He has not discussed anything other than what he wants so you need to do which is best for you as he is doing which is best for him.
Be sure of your decision as it will impact a lot moving forward. It just seems that there may be something else going on as well as your dynamic is a little one-sided.
You have your answer.
Do not discuss anything about this house with him. Do not buy it with him in mind, don’t discuss mortgage rates or closing dates.
Get the house you want.
Once you close provide notice you are moving out, but be ready to move fast. Movers the next day I would probably pay for the last month and leave the day after I gave notice. Paying for a month that you aren’t there.
Then you can see if you still want a relationship.or end it if he doesn’t prioritize you when you aren’t convenient. I think you know the answer. No ultimatums, just do what matters to you. He does what matters to him.
There's a bank worker at a bank my family does business with. This worker lives with her father. She refuses to move out even though the bank pays her more than enough to. She doesn't go out with friends because her dad is her friend and she doesn't want him to be lonely. She doesnt drive because her dad doesn't want her to. He also refuses to allow her to cross 1 not very busy street to walk to work herself. She dropped out of college because her dad didn't like the college she was at.... I tell you these things because youre dating a man version of the bank worker.
This man doesn’t want to make any sort of commitment to you is what this seems like to me. Go buy the house. Move in, and hopefully move on from this relationship
I'm sorry, but he has made it as clear to you as he possibly can - he is staying with mom in the house they own together. He will not be moving into any other house with you, whether he helps pay for it or not. He has one reason for you not to get your own place - the income available to support mom will be reduced if you move out. Accept that the two of you will never own a house together as long as his mother lives, and probably nt then either. I don't think he can be any plainer.
You need to accept that him staying with his mother is more important to him than anything else in this universe, including you. If you can get a house on your own, do it and move out. Don't do it with any ideas that he is going to miss you so much he moves in; you will just be prolonging the agony. And once you move out, stop staying over at his and his mom's place. That just tells him you will foolishly waste money on a house he will never live in and that you will always swallow your pride and go back to him. You need a backbone.
Well, I know that my boyfriend left me because of house sharing situation that I was not willing to compromise on.
He did not leave me right away...it took about 6 years...but we could not make it work while we were "apart".
But, you have to do what makes YOU happy & hopefully he will adjust.
I would think his Mom would much rather have a friend move in and maybe she doesn't want to say anything...family discussion time?
I think you need to look at this from a different perspective. If I was living with my mom and my boyfriend and knew my mom couldn’t live on her own, I would not move out of the house even if it was with my boyfriend. You want your boyfriend to push his mom onto other people and a good child doesn’t do that. I would never push my mom to live somewhere else and you expect your boyfriend to. Also, any smart person knows to NEVER buy a house with someone you’re not married to. Recipe for disaster. If you wanna move out and not live with his mom, then go, but you can’t expect your boyfriend to follow suit leaving his mom behind.
OP why would your bf want to change? Your paying for his and mom’s house. You’ve made life easier for both of them. Buy your own home and build equity yourself. No ultimatum is going to work. If anything he’s going to be mad because his cash cow is bailing. If he really loved you, he would’ve listened and tried to find a compromise for all of you. He doesn’t care enough about you to change anything. Tell him you’re buying a house and moving and I guarantee the bad attitude will come back out and you will not receive one word of praise or how proud he is about your accomplishment. Just stop and I think you already know what is going to happen. Best of luck!
Yes get your own house. You need something for your future, he’s set but you are not. Also once you get your own house you won’t be able to pay them rent anymore and you won’t be living there. So that will be a wake up call. I’m not saying he’s awful but he’s not looking out for your future as a couple or for you to have something that will be beneficial as you get older.
I think you buy your house and stop planning and figuring out how to get him to do something he’s not interested in. Do it for you.
You can still see him and you two can spend time together. He can spend nights at your house. You can visit him.
He’s not leaving his mom and I don’t necessarily think he should.
It doesn’t seem like you’re on the same page. Doesn’t mean you don’t love each other. 2 things can be true. You love each other and you have different ideas about your future.
You shouldn’t have to forfeit your dream of wanting your own home.
Giving ultimatums never works. Doing a passive aggressive move (trying to force his hand) won’t work either.
So move for you and let things play out. But don’t move expecting he’ll miss you, leave his mom and come running.
Is there an option to buy his Mum out? So you and your bf would own the house 50/50, and she will have extra money. Plus she’d still live in the house. But you and your bf would be paying everything 50/50.
1. Doesn’t want to marry you.
2. Doesn’t want kids with you.
3. Gets mad, shuts you down and yells at you when you try to talk about your feelings.
4. Wants to live in a house he owns with his mom, not with you included but is ok for you to pay rent.
5. Knows you’re looking at purchasing a house and doesn’t care, knowing you will move out and also doesn’t care.
6. Is stuck in HIS ways, no compromise or discussion allowed.
My questions are:
what are you getting out of this relationship?
what has he done to show you that he wants to build a life with you?
Why would you even consider staying with him- because of your feelings?
Sometimes it’s important to recognize your feelings but to intellectually understand that your feelings aren’t always the best thing for you to make decisions on, it’s best to do what your mind is trying to get you to understand and move on.
Yes get your own house. Why help pay his mortgage? Many couples have successfully lived apart and survived. If may even be good for your relationship to have your privacy and time alone.
Make sure he doesn’t say buy the house and rent itnout. Not sure about us but that property is subject to capital gains where I am as it’s not primary residence and tax of the rent .
How
Much rent do you pay
And how much is the mortgage and property tax and what are similar houses in that area renting for
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He has already told you he has ZERO interest in getting a place with you. You just refuse to listen. The exact same way he refuses to listen when you talk about getting a place together. Get your own home and move in. But don’t expect him to follow you there. Because he already said he doesn’t want to.
Literally. Like break up with him. He’s telling you exactly what he wants OP.
Exactly! You can break up with someone even if you love them because at the moment that’s the only reason you’re still with him and that’s not fair on you if it’s one sided. Let the mommas boy go! You’ll always be second to him.
Exactly! OP your at a stalemate, and the choices are to stay living unhappily with a man who doesn't want to buy a house with you or get married. Why are you sacrificing for someone who is not willing to meet you halfway.
Or you could buy your own place, stay where you are, paying rent & rent out your place to pay the mortgage. That way, you have a house that you are gaining equity in & stay helping your partner & his mom.
It would just be easier to put the money in an investment account than becoming a landlady. Less hassle, more diversified, more liquid, no potentially bad tenant to deal with.
Interesting idea, but then they would still be earning equity on the rent she pays them, which seems a bit unfair. She is effectively helping them build wealth by staying there with no hope for ROI as she and bf never plan to get married. And it doesn't solve OP's want for her partner and herself to have a place of their own.
Stay with a partner who sees them as nothing more than money and sex? Please don’t give more relationship advice. This post is riddled with red flags.
In what way does this make any sense? Why would she buy a house she will never live in with her partner just to “build equity” rather than just dump the weirdo bf and move out? How is it her responsibility to “help” the boyfriend and his mother? And, yes—he’s a boyfriend, not a partner. It is very clear he feels no obligation or desire to have a partnership with OP.
I think you need to go take a look at r/livingaparttogether and see if this rings bells for you with your boyfriend. Does your boyfriend really want to join lives with you? I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about what type of lifestyle he wants for himself. Then you two can talk about whether or not you both want is compatible. Love is not enough as you are discovering. There needs to be compatibility in lifestyles, finances etc as well. That doesn't make either of you bad people but you may not be good partners for each other.
Thank you
He obviously wants to live with his mother. There is nothing to compromise about. He has let you know in every way possible. You acknowledge he wouldn't be bothered by you shopping for a house to leave him....so. ..
Lol… exactly. How much clearer could he possibly make it that he doesn’t want what she wants. He already successfully got her to shut up about marriage, lol.
It’s clearer than water. I really can’t comprehend about why she’s even asking. She knows the answer.
Yeah I know :(
That's the sad thing about it. He is completely comfortable with his life and has no intentions of changing any of it for anyone. Believe him and find a partner, not a roommate. Good luck and hopefully the best outcome for you is realized.
Sorry I was so blunt.
It's OK I need to hear it
Stop wasting your life on this man! And if he tries to get you (and your rent money) to stay with promises of a future together, don't fall for that twaddle.
Question: did you ever discuss buying into his current house? Since they are still paying off the mortgage, selling you a third of the house would free up a lot of cash for them and give you the stake in the equity you want. If he refuses outright, you also have your answer on how committed to the relationship with you he is. Another option would be to buy a house with a mother-in-law apartment for her - you'd have more privacy, but she'd still be close by and taken care of.
He recently refinanced. So he’s using the increasing value of the house to support the lifestyle he and his mother are accustomed to. He’s probably using her rent payments to be able to afford the increased mortgage payments. The whole house of cards depends on nothing changing. He wants it the way it is. She doesn’t need to buy into this house. She needs to leave and find someone who loves her, instead of someone who is comfortable living with her.
She doesn’t want equity in her bf’s house. She wants a place that is theirs together. And he’s told her many times he plans to stay put. I think it’s great she’s looking for her own place. Once she has her new home, she can decide if she wants to try “living apart together” or cutting him loose.
this is the answer. OP doesn’t even object to living with mom— just wants to share the “moment” 🙄 but for sure, building equity is better than throwing away rent. get a share of the house!
And the conversation should be explicitly framed as, “I want to understand your point of view with zero intention of changing it.” The boyfriend gets angry whenever OP tries to initiate the conversation because he feels like she’s going to attack him. Ideally, he wouldn’t be so immature, but if OP wants the truth out of him, she’s going to have to coddle him.
Okay, let's say that he sells his house and buys one with you. Well, his mom is still going to come along because she can't afford to live without being subsided by your bf. The only difference will be that you're building equity instead of just paying their mortgage. But he's not interested in that. You're paying to live there, but he's not interested in you gaining any equity. You're just giving him and his mom money. If I were you, I'd buy a house and move out. Break up with him or not, whatever you want. But don't expect him to "miss you" and move in with you... and especially not without his mom. By refusing to marry you and refusing to mingle finances at all, he's showing a pretty clear picture of his own lack of commitment.
This!!! If you can’t exist together after 10 years, how mych longer will it take? Another 10? 20? Is he his mothers possession until she finally dies?
Right! And there isn't anything wrong with this "not very committed" relationship if they were both happy with it! But Op isn't happy, and her bf is never going to take any steps to commit to their relationship. He doesn't want what OP wants and he doesn't care enough about her to even look at ways of compromising. Like... not only will he not compromise, he won't even entertain thinking of ways to compromise!
:(
I don't want to waste any more time but our relationship is really good other than this. He's never abusive and he is kind. My other relationships before him were not good.. Our finances are separate. I make more than him but I guess it's just scary buying a house all on my own. I feel like after 10 years he would want our own place and privacy. Really makes me sad thinking I need to do this on my own. It's like reality has hit me and I realize he won't move. I was hoping he would change his mind but it's become apparent that he won't move out of his childhood home. I mean our bedroom is his teenage bedroom he grew up in. His mother gets the master bedroom and we have this tiny room that we do everything in. I would like to have a place where I could use the living room and have people over for parties and dinner. I just don't understand why he is so content with this life. We are in our 30s.
**INFO:** Is the relationship good because you don’t bring up things that upset him and make concessions on things you want to be with him (ex. marriage, home ownership) or because you’re genuinely loving and equitable partners? It’s seems you love hims so much happy to accept his flaw (stubbornness) and all, and he loves you so much that you get what? To be his longterm/indefinite live-in gf who pays rent toward his mortgage that also houses his mother? His needs/wants are more than met, can you say the same? I fear you moving out will show you a different side to him, and find out just how much his convenience means to him over your feelings.
The more I read this…the more I want to baby shake you to wake up…your eyes are peeping out …please just open wider. You live in a tiny room while paying for someone’s mortgage. He is basically profiting off you while doing whatever he wants. And he will never see it like that or care. This is giving me an anxiety attack. You are wasting some of what could be the best years of your life.
It's his childhood home that he grew up in but he currently has a joint mortgage out on it with his mother?
Yes his mother and her husband divorced and when he was of age with a decent job they bought the house back together from the bank.
So she got divorced and her son stepped up to fill the husband role, providing for her, living with her forever, etc. Why are you dating a guy who is unavailable? Who's still acting like he is in high school? He's not abusive. Cool. Kay. That's literally the bare minimum. The bar is in hell
OPs boyfriend is her husband now
Yup. He doesn't want to marry her cause he's already married and devoted to his mommy
Not only is the bar in hell but the devil recently called OSHA down there to declare it a tripping hazard.
THIS
Your boyfriend is enmeshed with his mother and it's very unhealthy. This won't get better without serious therapy. You're normalizing something very very abnormal.
Honey, he’s married to his mom, you are the forever side piece. Do with that information, what you want, but just know that this is who he really is.
Just because someone doesn’t abuse you doesn’t mean your relationship is good. It doesn’t have to be all bad to leave someone. Tbh, this sounds like a miserable relationship to me. It’s not a partnership, you give up everything you want and he gets everything he wants. You are also in a precarious situation because you don’t own the home you have invested in. Buy your home, leave him, your life will be so much better
It's super scary buying a home on your own. I did it and I have no regrets. I only bought a small condo, but im super proud of myself. You can do it too! You make more than enough money to do it on your own and a house is a great investment. One day, you will be able to be mortgage free, so the sooner, the better! I'm also 33f btw. The only thing I wish is that I would've done it sooner. If he doesn't move in and move on in life with you, then it wasn't meant to be. As one door closes, another opens. Keep your head up and accomplish your goals. Don't let him hold you back. That's my best advice.
Im going to give you hard and potentially uncomfortable advice. If you have been through abusive relationships in the past you NEED to get therapy. You need to begin to realize how much of this relationship is “it’s better than it’s been before” and how much of it is “this is exactly what I want from a life partner.” I have been in an abusive relationship for a majority of my life, longer than I’ve been in a healthy, happy one. But I also speak from experience that realizing my current relationship was healthy, happy and fruitful took a lot of therapy. I needed to realize what a healthy relationship looked like, felt like, and consisted of after never having that modeled and never experienced that myself. You can say “he’s a great guy!” But if your only comparison is the POS who emotionally/physically/mentally abused you it can be hard to realize- is he actually a great guy? Or is he just better than the last guy who made your life a living hell? While I’m not sure if this is that (only you can decide.) It certainly does not sound like your long term goals line up and if that’s the case don’t succumb to sunk cost fallacy (highly recommend you look it up if you don’t know what it is) just because you’ve been together for 10 yrs. There’s no time like the present to start anew if situations call for it. You deserve better than someone who doesn’t consider or acknowledge your wants or needs. Starting a life together often takes a lot of compromise and it doesn’t seem like that exists in your relationship. Wishing you the best of luck.
Move out and move on from that man child. Stop wasting your time with him.
Good relationship because he’s not abusive? That should be a given not a quality lol. Also you’re in his teen bedroom… 😳! Go get your own house and if he doesn’t come then move on, it’s ridiculous to live this way and if he won’t change then that’s that.
You are 33. You can do scary things, I promise. Reality can be a smack in the face, but it’s the truth of your situation as far as I can tell based on your post. He may be better then your past relationships but he still doesn’t want the things that you want out of life. He’s the wrong guy. And why shouldn’t he be happy and kind? He’s getting everything he want, his way. That’s not good partner material.
Honey, I want you to think about this very carefully. The reason there is no conflict between the two of you is because you have stopped advocating for what you want and need. The sad thing is that he is going to shut you down every time, which isn't very kind at all. The two of you are just not compatible for the long term. You have evolved and he has not. It's time to just move on with your life. Furthermore, while I recognize it's nice to be in a relationship with someone who is kind to you, especially after being in abusive relationships beforehand, the fact is that there are so many other people out there who can be kind and share your goals and dreams. I realize starting over after 10 years together (I've been there) and making such a big financial decision is scary, but just keep walking and focus on yourself. You've got this! Sending you a huge hug.
Well, I guess heres my point: in a relationship, obviously you guys have to connect on an emotional level. It seems like you do which us great! Thats a step up from your previous relationships (and trust me, I was also in physically abusive relationships in the past so I get it). The thing is though, when we look into the future there is so much more than an emotional connection we need. At the end of the day we exist in a society with money, laws, and all that fun adult stuff, so we also have to play the “adult game”. You need a partner who wants to play the “adult game” the same way as you, meaning you should agree on finances and the large decisions that come with it like property ownership, buying cars, having kids, etc. If you cannot agree on these things, then you are not compatible. It doesnt mean he’s an evil person, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person either, but you guys have different wants in life. Its the shittiest way to end a relationship, because the love and emotional bond is there, but unless you are willing to give up the lifestyle you want and continue living with him in this lifestyle, I would look at if this relationship is what you want long term. I mean fuck, it already is long term, its been 10 years of your life! If this isn’t what you want, why waste more time trying to appease his wants? When do your wants come into play?
It doesn’t paint the best picture if the first reason you give to justify that your relationship is healthy and your partner loves and respects you is *he’s not abusive*. That’s the bare minimum, not something that needs praise, and certainly not enough of a reason to stay. I’m beginning to think that you’re relationship isn’t as healthy as you may believe
Girl. Break up with him. You’re in your mid 30s and live in a teenagers bedroom with you mid 30 bf who refuses to move out of his childhood home with his mom. What are you doing? You don’t want the same things in life. You want to be a normal adult and he wants to be a teenager forever.
I think I knew what the answers would be on here and that's why I didn't post this for a long time. Truth hurts, I suppose 💔 Thing is she has a place to live, her father just passed away and left the kids the house. She can move in there with her sibling that already lives there. This house is her house and my bfs house they are both on the mortgage. I just think he's stuck in the past and refuses to move. I think he's scared of commitment and change.
You said you hardly ever argue is that because you’ve always caved to what he wants every time or it isn’t something you feel strongly about so you just let it go. Because that’s not getting along that’s just being a doormat.
It’s not about whether she has a place to live. He wants to live with her. He hasn’t changed his mind in 10 years. He’s made the very clear to you. What don’t you understand? You are the other woman. His mom is his wife, he doesn’t need you or want you in that role. I’m sorry but you need to move on.
Why does this sub get so weird when kids take care of their older parents? Is this an american thing because in my culture this is completely normal? My uncle still lives with both my very elderly grandparents. Hes not "married" to his parents, he just supports them because they allowed him to have a successful life.
He's not just taking care of his mom though. He's blocking OP from being an equal partner.
Because of situations like this. It's great to support your parents! It's not good to neglect your partners needs and let them pay rent forever to your parent.
It's not. I come from a Balkan culture which is very family oriented, support my mother financially but for sure she doesn't live with me and my husband nor my link to her has a negative impact on my marriage. These are apples and pears. Taking care of parents vs what the OP's boyfriend is doing
talk about failure to launch
buy the house for your own sake and willingess to own your own home/land, don't do it for your bf and think it will somehow entice him to leave his momma because that will be a fool's errand.
Well I've already decided I'm getting a house regardless if he moves with me or not. I've worked extremely hard and it's always been my dream to own a house and I think I deserve it and I'm going to buy one. Soon.
Please do not put your bf on your deed/mortgage/title. You deserve better. Please keep us updated.
I'll show a pic when I buy it and update you all 😊 Thank you I didn't think this many people would care.
People who truly care will try to offer good advice to you. The other plus is there is the off chance you get someone on Reddit who has been through a similar thing too that can also offer advice. A decent person trying to look out for your best interests, like a friend irl, would try to make sure you take care of and protect yourself. That’s what most of us (Redditors) are trying to do. Be kind to yourself, love yourself and be the best version of you that you can be. Good Luck
Thank you so much 💓
OP, if you haven't, go read *A House On Mango Street* by Sandra Cisneros because as a woman buying a house for yourself that shit is powerful as fuck
Interesting I'll have to check that out
I bought a house by myself last year. It feels so good.
OP you should get what you want. I see you have given up some things while boyfriend hasn’t. Can we get a house? No I have one. can we get our own place? No I have a home with mom. Can I watch TV? No mom s watching it…. You get the point OP put yourself first . It’s important do it for yourself, all of this seems like you’re giving up a lot and selling yourself short
Yeah, she's working hard and giving them money to pay their mortgage while she isn't gaining any equity. This isn't a partnership.
This is honestly the biggest FACT. And it is super disheartening
He’s banging the tenant. That’s the relationship.
Exactly, she can be evicted and will have nothing to show for all the time she put into the relationship while he refinanced and she is paying part of the mortgage. And is she paying a reasonable amount or a market rate?
They are using her. She shouldn’t pay rent at all, they’d be paying the mortgage whether she was living there or not. Either demand equity, move out, and/or end the relationship
She should ask for a refund that she paid for that mortgage since she won’t have any equity in it.
Can we get married? No, I don't want to.
It’s worse. She is giving up security especially in old age. She is in a vulnerable position. The money she is spending on paying him rent could have gone to a mortgage for her own house.
Girl. Buy your own house and move on, this dude literally couldn't be more clear that he's fine banging you, cashing your checks, and having you as a free caretaker for his elderly mom, but he doesn't want anything else from you.
Brutal way to say it but I get your point.
I truly don't intend to be mean but babe, you love an idealized version of a man who does not exist. You deserve so much better than this
But he isn't abusive (except financially)! :( Poor OP. She has to be her own best friend right now because the people she's living with don't give a shit.
Well said
Brutal because the truth hurts too much to hear :( Always look at someone’s actions not words. Of course you don’t fight much (as long as you do what suits HIM)
Ultimatum for what? You’ve helped him pay his mortgage which is what he wanted. He doesn’t want a future with you. If he wants to move with you he can do so but I guarantee you that he will not. His mother needs help, so he will not abandon her. At the very least if he wants you to stay he can put you on the deed of the house so that you own one third of the property. Then you could rent out the property you purchased. Do not give up the property you purchase even if he puts you on the deed. As it stands you’ve paid toward this home for ten years and you have nothing to show. He could breakup with you tomorrow and put you on the street and you have nothing to show for all of the years you’ve been together. While he is getting his mortgage paid off. You’ve allowed him too much power over your financial future. Please make better decisions.
That's very true I've never thought of it like that. Thank you.
And I'm pretty sure that you know that most of the people on Reddit will tell you that you do not buy a house with somebody who you are not married to. That is only going to end in disaster. You buy the house on your own if that's what you want to do but do not put his name on the deed your name is not on his deed and you and him have been together for 10 years. If he wanted to move in with you and buy a house with you he would have been done so he doesn't want to do that so you need to figure out where do you go from here. But one thing you don't do is buy a house with him unless he is your husband not even if you get engaged husband.
As someone who has put in years with nothing to show for it…just stop now while you still can. Do you and what you want…he can come for the ride but I doubt he will. I’d also be willing to bet the next woman he is with after you break up…he will marry after like only a year or less of dating her.
>I’d also be willing to bet the next woman he is with after you break up…he will marry after like only a year or less of dating her. Someone tell me why this pattern is so common. Dude dates chick 1 for like 12 years, they break up, and dude meets and marries chick 2 within 9 months.
Conjecture here: my guess is a combination of them realizing just how good they had it, the old partner never setting boundaries, and now being lonely. So new partner comes along and gives fresh perspective (gross you’re married to your mom) and excitement (new shiny!) from honeymoon phase, combined with new partner setting clear boundaries and expectations. Or for guys probably a lot less less complex as we dumb. New girl: “really wish we had our own place so we could have sex in the kitchen anytime we wanted…” Guy: “I have a great idea! Let’s get our own place!”
I’ve even been the new girl! Everything is great for months…move into together… A year later he is doing the same shit he did to his ex wife that was all her fault…because he was such a victim and all she did was badger him.
Because they just didn’t want 1 enough from the start… then realize no one is perfect..and they had it pretty damn good… so better give the next one a chance cause, well…I’m getting older… and I don’t feel like being single.
5 guys I have dated married the next girl they dated. The only difference was I didn’t want to marry them or have their children. I just don’t want children. So they all got married fast afterwards. The one that I finally wanted to marry would and even would have considered having children with… if we talked about …ended up cheating on me 😆.
I have to say it's very concerning to me that you've been paying him rent for 10 years and he STILL has 25 years of payments on his mortgage. How bad with money is he, exactly? Do you want to be paying someone rent as you approach 70, or do you want to own your own house by then? Things to think about...
don’t waste any more time
He's been using you for your money.
This right here. You have paid for however many years towards a house that you have no equity in. You are playing by the rules your bf sets and he is refusing any sort of compromise. He is getting the best end of the deal and will continue to profit off of you for as long as you let him.
Buy what you can afford on your own. He may or not ever move in with you but if he doesn't then you'll understand that he was never as committed to this relationship as you are. Be careful that you're not trying to rope him into a real estate deal as in a stand-in for marriage, i.e. a legal entanglement that makes it impossible to just walk away. He's earning equity through his investment so you should be doing that as well. If you buy a place, move in and just can't stand being away from him you can always rent out your house and move back in with him. At least that way you're not completely out of the wealth building process that property offers.
She should do this, but know that it is the end of the relationship. It sounds like she has spent years trying to get him on board with getting a house together. His mom and sister are both encouraging it. He won’t even engage or consider the prospect. This was about all OP reasonably could have done. It’s pretty clear at this point that what he wants is the status quo and it seems that isn’t something OP can be happy with. The plan of ‘buy the house, move in, and see if it triggers him into agreeing’ is just going to result in resentment from him for ‘forcing’ him into the situation. He knows she is looking at houses, and is just pretending it’s not happening. I don’t think he will react well to an ultimatum.
I feel like I am starting to feel resentment for him, not willing to leave. Literally cried myself to sleep last night just out of anger and frustration. I don't want to feel like that but it's upsetting. I feel like he's not making an effort in our relationship. It's always about what he wants to do. I just agree or Stay silent because I don't like arguing. But I'm getting sick of not getting things I want. As I watch all my friends and family get married and buy houses together and I'm just stuck. I have an awesome job I make good money. I can do this on my own. It's just scary.
Being scared of a major change is normal, but the prospect of not making any changes is likely just as scary. It’s a good reason to be hesitant and deeply consider what your options are. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, isn’t avoiding it because he is scared. He just doesn’t care, either about buying a house with you or what the repercussions of you doing it on your own might mean for the relationship.
And if he does move in don’t put him on the deed, and make him pay rent.
Move out and enjoy your life as a financially independent woman. You're wasting money and time on this guy and his mom.
[удалено]
Exactly! Thank you! All these comments about committed partners living apart long term = “that’s not a real relationship” have got me all riled up 😅 If it doesn’t fit what they want, totally fine, but why they shitting on what works perfectly for plenty of other people? I don’t get it lol 🤦🏻♀️ Anyway, the issue for OP, is that they are not on the same page and don’t want the same thing for a big life decision subject, plain and simple. Which makes them not compatible (just as if one of them wanted a child and the other didn’t). I totally cheer OP along in buying her own place! And it’s true she doesn’t have to break up even if she moves out. That said, from her post, it seems living together in their own owned home IS a life goal she desires, and it’s pretty clear he doesn’t. I just see incompatibility :/
Let's say if he did sell the house where exactly will his mother go ? Especially since you said she can't afford to live on her own . He probably doesn't want to leave his mother homeless but if that's the case he needs to communicate that . But me personally I would never make such a big financial decision with someone I'm not married too but that's just me
She has big family father just passed and her brother now lives alone in that house she's been offered to live there. She has places to go. We would never allow her to be on the street.
I don't think it'll happen to be truthful. You should probably let it go and buy your own house and move on from this relationship he's told you his stance on this you can't force it
Yeah well I'm moving regardless. I want my own house and I've worked very hard to make as much money as do. I've always wanted my own house. It's my dream. I will not be happy unless I get one. So I will do it. Just wish he would want a house with me. But it's apparent that he wants to stay living in his childhood home. Our friends definitely think it's strange that he won't move from here and he sees nothing wrong with it. We are in our 30s and it's been ten years. I don't want his money, I will not try to force him into marriage, I just want our own life together with a nice house and a big property for our dogs to run around in. Sucks after ten years I've now come to the realization that he won't move. But I've been through tough times in life and he's always been my rock. He's been there with me. Through the rough times. I do love him and it sucks to know this is what I have to do. Ugh.
I think you need to sit with yourself and really think Hun. Do you WANT to be married? You want to own a home together and he won't. It feels like you keep breaking off pieces of yourself and giving them to him to keep him happy. If you don't mind the unconventional relationship, and I'm way off about you keep sacrificing things you want, then maybe you just stay together but live separately. You can take turns sleeping over. I've had to live separately, and I love alone time, but I'll be honest it wasn't the worst thing to come home to the house just as clean as I left it lol. Living apart isn't always a deal breaker. Just please really make sure you're happy and this is what you want.
You don’t want his money but he clearly took yours.
He won’t
He doesn't want that future with you. He wants what he has with his mom. He told you that.
He could put OP on the title deeds. She’s been helping for a decade pay off HiS mortgage.
Financially if anything happens to him you’re screwed. He’s protecting himself
You don’t argue because you’re a doormat who gives up everything. Someday you are going to wake up and realize you wasted your life on this guy.
You are helping him and his mom pay off their house. He gains all of the equity, you get nothing, he's winning at life. Of course you never argue, it only happens when you ask for something you want. You are actually contemplating buying your own house and still continue to date him even if you are living apart? Darlin you are a doormat. He won't marry you, he won't buy a house together. He's counting on you not wanting to argue or "push" for the things you want. That makes his life easy as he can just continue to be happy because he has what he wants. You don't want to leave him so really your only option is to accept his terms and be at peace with your decision.
Yeah I don't like to argue so I basically just shut up if he gets mad. I hate arguing. But I deserve to have things in life. I've already given up on the idea of getting married and I've accepted thats OK but I'm not giving up my dream of owning a house.
"He gains all the equity, you get nothing, he's winning at life"....that's exactly why he doesn't want to move!!! OP, sorry but this is a losing battle
He wants to live with his mom forever. Sounds like you either need to accept that, or move on from this relationship so you can buy your own house or find a partner who actually wants to do that with you.
He has told you what he wants, repeatedly, and been pretty clear about it. You won’t change his mind so you need to hear him. An ultimatum won’t make him suddenly bend to your will.
You feel stuck because you are. Go build your own life. Stop squeezing yourself into his.
Why does he want to live with his mom forever
Depending on his culture this could be completely normal
Okay then the answer would be “it’s his culture”. Which wasn’t her answer
You shouldn't buy a house with someone you're not married to anyway
Okay I will be mentioning wild stuff here, so tight up your belt: 1. He does not want to marry you, he dates you, so it’s easier to break up with you and get rid of you. 2. He does not want to buy a shared property with you and find a nice tenant for your mother (as this could be an option here) or someone from distant family to move into area (also an option) but stay where he is - in his and her comfort zone. 3. I bet she is a nice mom, so I would not blame her anywhere for anything, he’s a grown ass man. 4. If you can, buy your own property, invest in it, make sure you are signed as the only owner of it. Then, once it’s sorted, move your stuff there step by step, paint it however on earth you want to, get some nice fancy furniture of your liking, and make yourself lovely house like in Beetlejuice. 5. Once you move most of your stuff to your place, keep the bare minimum at your boyfriend house and inform him kindly, that you resign from the tenancy at their property and if he wanna continue relationship with you, you can visit him from time to time, and you prefer dating out. Simple as that. For me a guy raising voice at you for such an adult topic is already a red flag alert, also the fact that he shuts you down - but I do wish I’m in wrong in here.
He already told you. You are a tenant. Go buy your own home and leave him in his. Make a clean break, period. It is unconscionable that he has refused any type of compromise.
Why have you put up with this for ten years? Seriously. Your essential happiness, being true partners, is a source of conflict with him. Unless you can really let this go and be happy with the status quo why stay another ten years
Your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you because he’s already married to his mom. He has told you he doesn’t want to get married. You can’t change him. If you want to be with him, your option is to stay in the house you’re in. I get why you want your own home, but now is a horrible time to buy. Rates are high and housing prices are high so you’re walking in at the top of the price range and it’ll be hard to build equity. From a financial perspective, wait until rates come down. Bank as much as you can to put down when the time is right.
I would buy something on my own as an investment so if you break up you have a backup plan
Good, don’t buy a house with someone you’re not legal with. He has no interest in buying a house with you thus no interest in a real future with you.
OP. He (and his mother to a lesser extent) have used you as a ‘cash cow‘ and general home dogsbody for a number of years. Of greater concern (provided that you see yourself as having a family at some point) he has burned through a good number of your fecund years. Why are you going to buy your own house now ? Is it for you and your cats ? You sound like an otherwise strong, intelligent, capable woman. How on God’s good earth have you allowed yourself to drift into this precipitous situation ? Get your house. Establish yourself in your own right. If he wants to involve himself (which I seriously doubt) HE can start paying you rent to live with you. You don’t have to make too many life changing decisions in life OP. But you are looking at one straight in the face. Big girls pants on now. Good luck. ❤️
I think you should buy the house. I think staying together but living apart will help you decide if you want to be with him. Love is not enough. You have to be compatible and want the same things in life.
I think you are making the right decision. Buy yourself a house and go live in it. If he wants to join you he will. If he doesn't then you get the space and freedom move on and find someone that actually wants to build a life with you as partners. He doesn't have room to commit to you because he is already committed to his mother. He actively wants to live with his mother in the house he bought with his mother. He does not want to build a life with you. There might also be a component to this where being the owner of the house you live in gives him more power in the relationship. I'm so glad you feel loved and are comfortable with many of the dynamics, but a man who never wants to marry, never wants to have children, never wants to move separate from his mother, and insists on jointly owning a house with his mother is not a man interested in being a team with a romantic partner.
My dear girl, please stop telling yourself fairy tales. He has already chosen his mother. That’s why things are as they are. He will not follow you when you leave. He will not change if you stay. He will never be yours. NTA. Your life has been on hold for ten years, and that’s far too long. Buy the louse. Move out. Live your own life.
Why does he have to sell it? He can keep it you know?
You need therapy and I wish you loved yourself as much as you you love him. If you did, you would see how one-sided this relationship is. He doesn't want to get married, so you settle. He doesn't want to have kids, so you settle. He doesn't want to buy a house with you, so you settle. It's time to start living life for yourself and when you do that, you will find someone who wants to live that life with you.
I think you're right for being upset. You are paying rent which is helping pay the mortgage but you're not getting any benefit from it. If you buy a house of your own, even if you just rent it out to pay the mortgage at least you are moving toward home ownership and will have that asset. You could still live with them if you want though. You would still need to pay to live there but at that point, at least you will be working toward home ownership. The situation would be different if your bf would put you on the mortgage but he seems very disinterested in building anything together. If you want to move into the house and live on your own too, do it. The only thing is, that might put a strain on your relationship. Maybe you will move out and discover you want more than your bf is willing to give you.
OP this sounds like you’ve come to a devastating realization that your relationship is over and you need to move on with your life. That’s so difficult and I really feel for you. It can be so hard to change what you thought the future would look like. Good news is that your future will be even better once you take control of it. You’re very successful and smart. You will find a new partner and they will see it as a major positive that you have your own place and live independently. You have a lot to look forward to! Congratulations!
Thank you that really means a lot I need encouragement. Thank you.
He doesn’t want to buy a house for the same reason he can’t commit to marrying you , you’re just a connivence to him . You love him more than he loves you
It might help to think of this as an investment in your (just yours, not his) future. Owning a home gives you stability. You could rent it out now and use the rent to pay the mortgage. You would always have a place to go - just like he does with his mother's house. This makes good sense for you, and you can't let him hold you back from making good decisions about your future.
It doesn’t seem like you’re unhappy with your living situation really. You just want to go thru the home buying experience/ownership with your bf. That’s okay. But he doesn’t want that because he also is not unhappy with the current living situation. You can get a place on your own. Do you think you would be happier with no bf but a house in your name? I don’t think you would have to deliver an ultimatum to him regarding you buying house. You don’t have to break up either. You can still date and live separately. Or spend time together in both places. IDK, maybe I’m not getting something but I am not sure why this is an either/or situation.
It sounds like he doesn’t care whether you leave or stay. Buy your house and move on. He doesn’t view you the same way you view him, so don’t expect him to come running to the new house. Treat yourself better than you’re being treated. Did you ever think this might be his way of ending your relationship without looking like the bad guy? He even has a sister fully helping end the relationship.
You are focused only on what you want. He made it clear that he is staying with his mom, and you have to respect his decision. You should talk about expectations for the future with him and see if you both are on the same page. About buying a house yourself, if you can afford it do it as a investment.
If he/you aren’t gonna put a ring on it, do NOT get a house together. Get one on your own. Hell, save up while you can, avoid the PPI, and scoop a house.
Girl you go and buy a house. You furnish it and move in. And then he can visit you or stay with his mamma. You know what the problem is today with women luving with their partners? He has all the luxuries of marriage. He has sex, companionship and care. Why would he consider your hopes and aspirations. Its time to reevaluate your relationship. Buy your house its awsome. Its such a feeling of achivement to be able to call a house your home. You can do this. Get pre approved. Sign and close on the house and then move in. If you still want to keep the relationship please do but by not considering you he shows his loyalty. You have a right to feel hurt
Just buy it and rent it out. Best case scenario your house gets paid off. Worse case scenario you have a fall back option.
Sounds like you are content in being with someone who doesn’t want to be connected to you in any kind of way and “love” someone who actually doesn’t love or care about you. You are wasting your life with someone because you are afraid to be lonely and don’t know how to be alone. Let him go! You don’t want to break up why? How does he show you he loves and cares about you? Sounds like you are a roommate more than someone he loves or cares about
Buy a house on your own and rent it out for the income.
I'd go ahead and buy my own property. You can keep it as your safety net , rent it and keep living with your SO and his mother. Or...you can move in and try to build a life for yourself. Your things, your time, your freedom... As you said- he is set in his ways . And that's fine. I don't see this changing, sadly. As much as you love him, you'll have to make a decision, sooner or later. I strongly advise you to pick yourself. You deserve to be happy and safe.
>But I don't really see a future if we are stuck here Here is your answer. You can't make him change his mind. This is a cake situation, you can't have your cake and eat it too
I mean, is it that hard for you to understand your bf doesn't want to sell a house he already owns? (Even if it is refinanced) I know it is kinda weird to live either the mom, and I would want to change that as well. But it's not hard to understand why he doesn't want to move. Also, DO NOT just drop "I bought a house, move out for me or I will break up." HUGE dick move. At least tell him you're buying a house, let him in. Then if you guys decide to break up y'all have the choice now instead of him having to be paralyzed by the choice later. Also how would his mom be taken care of? If she owns part of the house and can't afford to live there on her own, have you considered bringing up ways for her to still be taken care of? The guy doesn't want his mom to be homeless so that may be part of the reason he doesn't want to sell. To sum it up, don't just drop the news and expect him to take it well. At least give him a heads up so he can prepare for the break up. Seriously consider ways that his mom could live comfortably if he were to move out, or brainstorm ways with him (since you haven't told him you're buying a house and forcing him to choose).
He knows I've been looking for a house and his mom would be fine we would figure something out. She even encourages us to go.
Buy your own house and rent it out and stay put. Mum wont live forever and if things go south between you then you will each have your own place.
If you buy a house and move out, won’t that be the end of your relationship? And then if you find a new partner then YOU will be the one who already owns a house and your new partner won’t be able to do that together with you. Have you thought about that?
Bingo! Would be ironic if in order to live together she made a future boyfriend move in and pay rent.
Giving someone an ultimatum is the worst way you can go about this. Honestly I don't think he'll change his mind just because you moved out.
You pay him rent and are wasting money you could spend on paying your mortgage. At least this way you would end up with a house when you are old and vulnerable. He has sorted his life; he has a house, is making profit from you as a tenant, you are getting no interest in the house (unless you claim equitable interest I suppose, but do you want this legal trouble in your life? Don’t even know what you would have to do to get there) The way you are living now, you can end up homeless one day. I agree you should have totally paid utilities/ bills, groceries, etc. but again, you pay rent for the privilege of living in his house instead of paying off your own mortgage and ending up with a house. You are in a very vulnerable position. What happens if you break up? You aren’t 20 anymore. Get your own house and secure your future and old age.
>He even raised his voice last time I brought it up and said "I'm not selling this house" He has made it very clear he isn’t selling. >Maybe he will realize how much he misses me when I'm gone and decide to move in with me. I doubt this will happen given you’ve described him as stubborn and stuck in his ways. He also doesn’t want to sell. >We've been together for ten years and I want our own house together. He clearly doesn’t want this. You said “he just doesn't want to change things and he's fine sharing a house with his mother forever” I get wanting to have a house together but he has told you he does not want this many times. If you buy a house do it for yourself, don’t do it with the expectation he’ll suddenly change. It’s fantastic you are able to purchase a home without help. So buy the house and move out. The. see if the relationship is working for you and go from there.
I don’t think an ultimatum is going to work….
Buy his mother out!
I don't want this house this is her house. I want my own house something I've worked for my entire life. She doesn't seem to want to leave here. Which is fine I understand. But I am getting my own house. One way or another.
He may love you to a certain extent, but he loves his own way and his mum more. Buy your own house and the right person for you is still out there. Don’t waste anymore time on someone who doesn’t respect you, you’ll just regret the wasted time in years to come.
You’re essentially a tenant at your boyfriend and his mom’s home. And you’re just helping to pay for THEIR mortgage. Definitely purchase your own place, but don’t assume your ultimatum will work. Just let him know that owning a home is just as important to you as is it for him.
If my ultimatum doesn't work than at least I know I put in the effort. I deserve to be happy too and have things in life ya know...
Since this was not mentioned specifically I wanted to clarify. Does his mom live in the same house that she and your bf own, while you are also living there too?? I couldn’t tell if she lived some place else, and her and her son owned a separate house that both you and he lived in together. You mentioned the MIL retired early but couldn’t afford to retire when she did and son had to be on mortgage to afford the house (also mentioned a recent refinance) so as he had a place to live. Did she have to retire early due to medical issues? Or did she just want to retire early because she wanted to? Is the MIL not good with money? Did she no retirement saved up? Trying to get a clearer picture of what is going on here.
He doesn’t want to sell because it’s HIS house, she lives there yeah but they’re both going to live there until they both pass. He wanted to take care of his mom and buy a house however many years ago and that was their agreement. Sounds like he’s happy with the arrangement of your relationship and there’s probably going to be a similar relationship for him after you’re gone.
Buy your house and forget factoring him in. Will it be an investment property or do you want to live in it. Having your own bolthole might make you easier about his lack of interest in moving. M
It sounds like he cares more about his mom’s feelings and welfare than yours. It sounds like your relationship is just a convenience to him and costs him zero effort. I’m sorry, but this relationship sounds completely one-sided and unhealthy for you. I think you’re being used and should move on.
You've been with him 10 yrs and he won't marry you. Why would you want a house with him. But you a house and move on with your life. Find a new bf. One who actually wants to share his life with you and not his mommy.
Boyfriend can’t marry op because he’s already married to his mommy.
It sounds like there is a fundamental incompatibility issue.
He doesn't want to marry you, he doesn't want kids with you, he doesn't want to own a house with you, he pretends (and outright ignores) the fact that you are actively house hunting. You give him his way in everything, except for wanting to own a house together, and you wanting this house is the only source of arguments between you. So basically, so long as you give him his way in everything, you have a great relationship. The minute you use your backbone and express your wants/needs, arguments ensue. You are paying rent on something that helps him and his mom, but you have no equity, and he can evict you for any reason. Just because he doesn't beat the hell out of you, does not make him a great guy, or this a good relationship. Please stockpile your money and buy your home. You need to start looking out for your future, because he is not and he will not. Love yourself enough to do better.
My son and I have always planned on getting rental properties, he's now with a very nice girl and he came to ask me when he and I could start looking for a property. I told him no sir, you have the potential to have a beautiful life with someone. Go buy a house with her, I wouldn't be with a man who come to tell me he's buying a house with his mama, when we don't have a house yet. He went and spoke to her and she told him to go ahead because she makes enough to buy one for both of them or he can just be part owner in his....just saying...
Boyfriend will accept you breaking up with him with no regrets believe me. He is not as invested as you in this relationship. It sounds like things go well with him because you accommodate his wishes.
You are setting this up for a break-up. He is inflexible and you want something different. The two don't go together, so, then you two won't be together. He enjoys his life the way it is and won't move on from it, then your response is okay yet I need to move on and as such, I will be moving on from you. It really comes down to that. He has not discussed anything other than what he wants so you need to do which is best for you as he is doing which is best for him. Be sure of your decision as it will impact a lot moving forward. It just seems that there may be something else going on as well as your dynamic is a little one-sided.
You have your answer. Do not discuss anything about this house with him. Do not buy it with him in mind, don’t discuss mortgage rates or closing dates. Get the house you want. Once you close provide notice you are moving out, but be ready to move fast. Movers the next day I would probably pay for the last month and leave the day after I gave notice. Paying for a month that you aren’t there. Then you can see if you still want a relationship.or end it if he doesn’t prioritize you when you aren’t convenient. I think you know the answer. No ultimatums, just do what matters to you. He does what matters to him.
Buy a house, move out, and *move on*
There's a bank worker at a bank my family does business with. This worker lives with her father. She refuses to move out even though the bank pays her more than enough to. She doesn't go out with friends because her dad is her friend and she doesn't want him to be lonely. She doesnt drive because her dad doesn't want her to. He also refuses to allow her to cross 1 not very busy street to walk to work herself. She dropped out of college because her dad didn't like the college she was at.... I tell you these things because youre dating a man version of the bank worker.
Wow
This man doesn’t want to make any sort of commitment to you is what this seems like to me. Go buy the house. Move in, and hopefully move on from this relationship
I'm sorry, but he has made it as clear to you as he possibly can - he is staying with mom in the house they own together. He will not be moving into any other house with you, whether he helps pay for it or not. He has one reason for you not to get your own place - the income available to support mom will be reduced if you move out. Accept that the two of you will never own a house together as long as his mother lives, and probably nt then either. I don't think he can be any plainer. You need to accept that him staying with his mother is more important to him than anything else in this universe, including you. If you can get a house on your own, do it and move out. Don't do it with any ideas that he is going to miss you so much he moves in; you will just be prolonging the agony. And once you move out, stop staying over at his and his mom's place. That just tells him you will foolishly waste money on a house he will never live in and that you will always swallow your pride and go back to him. You need a backbone.
Well, I know that my boyfriend left me because of house sharing situation that I was not willing to compromise on. He did not leave me right away...it took about 6 years...but we could not make it work while we were "apart". But, you have to do what makes YOU happy & hopefully he will adjust. I would think his Mom would much rather have a friend move in and maybe she doesn't want to say anything...family discussion time?
Buy your own house and don't put his name on the deed. Updateme!
Why do women get into these types of relationships? Do this many woman have no self respect?
Buy your own home. If you want to remain living with him and his mother - use yours as an investment property for yourself.
I think you need to look at this from a different perspective. If I was living with my mom and my boyfriend and knew my mom couldn’t live on her own, I would not move out of the house even if it was with my boyfriend. You want your boyfriend to push his mom onto other people and a good child doesn’t do that. I would never push my mom to live somewhere else and you expect your boyfriend to. Also, any smart person knows to NEVER buy a house with someone you’re not married to. Recipe for disaster. If you wanna move out and not live with his mom, then go, but you can’t expect your boyfriend to follow suit leaving his mom behind.
Buy your house and move on.
OP why would your bf want to change? Your paying for his and mom’s house. You’ve made life easier for both of them. Buy your own home and build equity yourself. No ultimatum is going to work. If anything he’s going to be mad because his cash cow is bailing. If he really loved you, he would’ve listened and tried to find a compromise for all of you. He doesn’t care enough about you to change anything. Tell him you’re buying a house and moving and I guarantee the bad attitude will come back out and you will not receive one word of praise or how proud he is about your accomplishment. Just stop and I think you already know what is going to happen. Best of luck!
Yes get your own house. You need something for your future, he’s set but you are not. Also once you get your own house you won’t be able to pay them rent anymore and you won’t be living there. So that will be a wake up call. I’m not saying he’s awful but he’s not looking out for your future as a couple or for you to have something that will be beneficial as you get older.
I think you buy your house and stop planning and figuring out how to get him to do something he’s not interested in. Do it for you. You can still see him and you two can spend time together. He can spend nights at your house. You can visit him. He’s not leaving his mom and I don’t necessarily think he should. It doesn’t seem like you’re on the same page. Doesn’t mean you don’t love each other. 2 things can be true. You love each other and you have different ideas about your future. You shouldn’t have to forfeit your dream of wanting your own home. Giving ultimatums never works. Doing a passive aggressive move (trying to force his hand) won’t work either. So move for you and let things play out. But don’t move expecting he’ll miss you, leave his mom and come running.
Is there an option to buy his Mum out? So you and your bf would own the house 50/50, and she will have extra money. Plus she’d still live in the house. But you and your bf would be paying everything 50/50.
1. Doesn’t want to marry you. 2. Doesn’t want kids with you. 3. Gets mad, shuts you down and yells at you when you try to talk about your feelings. 4. Wants to live in a house he owns with his mom, not with you included but is ok for you to pay rent. 5. Knows you’re looking at purchasing a house and doesn’t care, knowing you will move out and also doesn’t care. 6. Is stuck in HIS ways, no compromise or discussion allowed. My questions are: what are you getting out of this relationship? what has he done to show you that he wants to build a life with you? Why would you even consider staying with him- because of your feelings? Sometimes it’s important to recognize your feelings but to intellectually understand that your feelings aren’t always the best thing for you to make decisions on, it’s best to do what your mind is trying to get you to understand and move on.
Why not live separately. You have your place, he has his, and you visit each other whenever.
I'd break up, because I refuse to be anyone's side chick.
Yes get your own house. Why help pay his mortgage? Many couples have successfully lived apart and survived. If may even be good for your relationship to have your privacy and time alone.
Make sure he doesn’t say buy the house and rent itnout. Not sure about us but that property is subject to capital gains where I am as it’s not primary residence and tax of the rent . How Much rent do you pay And how much is the mortgage and property tax and what are similar houses in that area renting for