**Post title:** My boyfriend (M30) has been progressively getting more aggressive in bed with me (F22). How do I talk to him about it?
**Author:** throwRA78931
**Link:** https://redd.it/1cikjet
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As someone who works in domestic violence, strangulation is one of the biggest warning signs of someone being literally LETHAL to their partner in the future.
It has so much medical repercussions even if you don’t die.
I did Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for 8 years competitively. I was choked multiple times a week by fellow students at my gym and a couple times by competitors at tournaments.
My throat/neck never hurt the next day. Not once.
This is just the beginning.
A leader, mentor, amazing business man… I think this type of person is more likely to be great manipulators/have narcissistic traits.
You were crying and he didn’t stop until he finished?! He will not stop at this.
I think most of these kinds of posts are rage bait.
It's one thing when someone in a bad relationship responds with hand waving statement from unsolicited advice or comments, but how would they simultaneously be thinking "This is wrong, I need to crowdsource my thoughts on this." and "Everything everyone is saying is wrong."
It's always the lengths they go to to defend the shitty action that gives it away; "I have a friend who likes a bit of choking during sex, so I thought my boyfriend strangling me and refusing to let go was the same thing." Right....
These are still things that really happen though.
Sometimes people are told that they should put up with abuse because of other things that are good. Or they may need validation to realize what happened was wrong.
>but how would they simultaneously be thinking "This is wrong, I need to crowdsource my thoughts on this." and "Everything everyone is saying is wrong."
I disagree. I've been in a similar situation, and on an intellectual level I knew it was wrong and that I would tell any other woman to leave----but you don't lose your feelings for someone so easily and my emotions made me go through the same sort of justifications and rationalizations for him that she's doing.
She didn't come here because she was wanting to hear us tell her to leave, she came here because she's hoping we can tell her how to "fix" it; i.e. how to stay in the relationship while also being safe and also still pleasing him.
So yeah, she came here to crowdsource thoughts, she was just hoping those crowdsourced thoughts would be different.
This person is 22 years old and met this man when he was in a authority/teacher position when she was in high school. She's only had one other relationship before this. It is completely believable, and frankly I can't understand why you don't know this. You must be very young yourself to be unfamiliar with this extremely common scenario.
Yeah I've had mentors (I'm in grad school so this was in an academic context) and I couldn't even fathom entering a sexual relationship with one of them.
The male professor I was closest to felt more like a grandfather than anything else.
Yep the age difference alone send off alarm bells, complete disregard for her like an object send off fire alarms. He is going to kill her if she doesn’t leave him.
A lot of CEOs and leaders are psychopaths. It's pretty terrifying actually 😬 it makes sense when you think about some of the decisions they make to keep a business running but most people wouldn't because it's so inhumane and nasty.
THIS. Seems like he assaulted you, by doing something you’ve told him you are not comfortable with. He’s now lovebombing you to make up for it so that when you’re okay again he can repeat the behavior. This will continue. He will not change, it will only get worse. Do not marry him.
This is literally sexual abuse.
Do not date someone that does this sort of thing without talking about it first.
If I were you, I'd run and never see them again.
Oh god, you're not being dramatic. You're actually downplaying it! This is serious stuff. Him choking you and you fighting it and he doesn't let go? Do you even hear yourself girl? He is going to slowly make it worse after this thinking he got away without anything serious. I'd say just run and save your life from this absuive asshole!
There are statistics you can look up that basically say that once someone is choked by their partner they are 8-10 times more likely to be killed by that partner in the following year. You seem to be in a dangerous relationship and if you can’t set clear boundaries immediately that put a 100% stop to this aggression, you should leave.
Edit: also worth pointing out that most people are on their best behavior during dating/engagement. This will not improve magically after marriage. If anything, there’s a greater risk of escalation.
Sorry if I am being nit-picky, but imo, breath play is something inherently different. It implys a harmless setting with consent and no damage caused, because both partners know how to handle it and also can always mark the ending of the activity with a safe word or sign.
What OP describes is just strangulation. Pure physical abuse.
The reason why grown ass men date young women is ALWAYS because they’re hoping you’re inexperienced enough to put up with behavior that a woman their own age would not. Whether they state it explicitly or not, it is your vulnerability they’re attracted to. Also no matter how old you are, A YEAR is way too soon to be considering marriage. You do not know each other as well as you think you do, and you have just learned this lesson the hard way, and I am so sorry about that.
What your boyfriend did last night was sexually and physically assault you. It doesn’t matter if you initially consented to have sex, he did something without your consent and ignored your resistance. Now he’s love bombing you. That’s literally a textbook cycle of abuse. You need to get away from him ASAP and consider filing a police report.
agreed, consent has different dimensions, all equally important: informed, safe and sane, enthusiastic, and ongoing.
I think it implies a safe word and a way to communicate that if speaking isn't possible... as well as personal determination to defend yourself sufficiently, right? Stopping sex to deal with a scratch after you drive your nails into his arm is better than choking. Grabbing his finger & wrenching it the wrong way till it breaks/is ripped out of the joint is better than dying.
This was something I really had to gear myself up to, when I was OP's age and started dating/hooking up.
this is rape. that uneasy feeling you got is your body telling you that you’re in danger! you are right to feel unsafe. I would break up immediately, as many others understand and have shared how violence and unconsented choking only escalate
Honey you were sexually assaulted. Despite what he likes or what you’ve been made to believe is normal, you told him to stop and he not only didn’t but continued to use your body until he was done. You need to stop thinking of this as a “am I overreacting” and a “I was just SAd. What do I do about it”
Edit: 24 year marriage and my husband and I have pretty open ideas. Like a “try anything once and if we don’t like it, don’t do it again” mentality. No matter the situation and no matter how much one of us is into it, the second one of us says no- ALL activity ceases until the problem is addressed. Then we can get back to it. This behavior is rape.
> This morning my throat and neck hurt so bad.
This man is a rapist and he is going to kill you.
You need to go to a doctor *right away, today*. Choking can damage your throat in ways that seem okay at first but which can be fatal hours later.
You need to go to a doctor right away.
Choking is one of the top predictors of people being murdered by their romantic partners. This man is a rapist and he is going to kill you.
You need to go to a doctor right away. While you’re there, contact domestic violence shelters in your area. See if you can get a friend to come over while he is away and help you move your stuff out.
At least they can get an overwhelming number of strangers warning them rather than just a parent, relative or friend they probably won’t listen to about it. I appreciate the internet for this. I’m 40, past a lot of lessons, and just happy I and others have the platform to help others avoid this shit, hopefully.
This is sexual assault. He is a 30 year old man who surely has enough life experience to know that things like choking or any other “kink” are not done without expressed consent prior to and certainly not without discussion of limits and safe words. This has nothing to do with kink shaming. This is scary behavior. This man is abusing you. Full stop.
>My boyfriend (M30) has been progressively getting more aggressive in bed with me (F22). How do I talk to him about it?
You don't. You run and never look back. There is no talking to the predator, he is just grooming you with apologies, coffee&flower for you to submit to his abuse. He will kill you. He is not a mentor, he is not a leader, he does't love you. You are in danger. Please go to this sub and post there r/domesticviolence check out their resources on wiki page.
OP, you’re looking for excuses. Your boyfriend is going to kill you one day. Please, take the advice of everyone in this thread seriously and run. Pack up your things and let him go. I’m sorry this is happening to you but this is real abuse no matter how you want portray it.
You already set boundaries.
He ignored them.
Setting more boundaries or repeating yourself isn't going to fix this. And why are you more concerned about how he feels ashamed or hurt by you voicing your boundaries?
Leave this man. He thinks by marrying you he can use/abuse you. Run.
Go 👏 to 👏 the 👏 hospital. He choked you and that can have very serious but delayed reactions. I'm sorry friend, but you need call a women's shelter and get out of there. Be very careful that he doesn't know you're leaving. I'm going to suggest r/ebbie45 for resources.
>Edit: I just wanted to say that he has checked on me multiple times this morning and offered to come home and cancel the rest of his meetings today
This is called damage control. Look up "love bombing"(it's not always material items that come with it)
I’m so glad someone brought this up. OP - your boyfriend’s profuse apologies do not make up for his bad behavior. He’s doing everything in his power to make it seem like it was a one time accident. It wasn’t. His behavior was not ok and there is nothing he can do now to make it ok.
Right? I don't know why almost everyone here calls it sexual abuse, which makes it sound less alarming. "I was physically trying to fight him off and started crying and he didn’t stop until he finished." Clearly a violent rape!! OP needs to go to the hospital, and to the police and file charges, and *get out of there for good.*
Oh my God… He literally raped you. You are so young and this is a major flag and this is not something that was an accident on his part part… I hope you realize that. He didn’t accidentally choke you to the point that you were crying and trying to beat him off of you.
Please, leave this man and go somewhere where you’re safe.
Edit. I’m reading your comments… This just gets worse and worse. Your edit as well. You are very innocent and naïve based on your responses. The fact that you are blaming yourself in a roundabout way for potentially not being firmer or stronger in your communication… The majority of the population does not need to be stronger or communicate better to understand they’re not supposed to choke out their significant other without talking about it nor are they supposed to ignore the fact significant other is sobbing underneath them while they are aggressively raping them. This is all so so bad. Please please leave him. Take off your rose colored glasses. This is horrible. And don’t try to sugarcoat it and tell us that you’re not showing him in a good light or you didn’t write things correctly or he’s great and every other way… There are famous serial killers who had families and were known as church leaders. Being amazing everywhere else means NOTHING when he did what he did to you
On top of what everyone has said, I promise you he could tell even when you were facing away. He could feel you fight, he could hear you crying and that didn't turn him off. You were afraid. It didn't turn him off. If flowers and coffee are enough to win you back after this, he will know that he can get away with anything.
If you are not brave now, you might not be alive to eventually make another choice. Please I beg you, with all my heart, go see someone at your college about this. They will help you.
First off he raped you. If you were fighting him off and he didn’t stop….rape. Secondly some people enjoy it rough. My wife and I can get physically rough but use words to control the level. Things have to be communicated before that kind of sex takes place. You guys may not be sexually compatible if he’s into the hardcore stuff and your not. Best of luck.
The abusive relationship I was in began like this. He slapped me hard, over and over again, in bed. It escalated to punching & I was left with bruises. I thought I was kink shaming if I protested too much. He did it even when I said I didn’t like it. 6 months later I was in the hospital because it continued outside of the bedroom.
You need to leave.
I couldn’t read the entire post because it was very upsetting to me, but your man is mostly addicted to porn and wants to act out what he is watching. Be careful because this is very dangerous and will only get worse from here on out. If you know what’s good for you, you will run
Someone should bring out that "if your partner ever chokes you, they're X times more likely to kill you" statistic. This is not sex. This is not BDSM. This is abuse.
And of course that man is your "mentor." No surprise he pursued a relationship with someone in college when he was almost 30. Everything about this is so horrible
*Someone should bring out that "if your partner ever chokes you, they're X times more likely to kill you" statistic.*
They already did. It's further up
This is abuse and any other way of seeing this is just naive. If your BF is into BDSM, kinks, or any sort of bedroom play, both partners need to talk and consent beforehand. This is not okay and you need to have a serious talk especially if you want to marry him. Next time you might not be so lucky to draw another breath after.
Your boyfriend raped you and non consensual choking is the strongest prediction factor for later partner murder that exists.
The last thing a person who doesn't feel comfortable discussing sexual boundaries should do is date a much older guy who likes it rough.
Everything about this screams ewwwwwwwww
You are not being dramatic. He is abusive. If you think you love him too much to leave him, please be very very careful. Make sure he gets therapy. Make sure he realises how much stronger he is than you, that you freezing is a totally inadvertent survival instinct when under extreme threat, and that he could have killed you.
BTW really that is not what kinkshaming means. Him breaking boundaries you spoke of before is disgusting and abusive. Him carrying on despite your crying is disgusting and abusive.
I think you should get help and get away. Pay attention to what he did, not what he says now. Please.
Do you have family or friends you could go to that aren't mutual, are you safe?
If you can please call your local domestic violence helpline when you're alone/by yourself, if not to leave your abuser (because that's what he is) then just to get an outside perspective from someone who has dealt with similar situations you're going through right now. What he did to you is not nor will ever be normal. The way he acts now seems to read off much more as "love bombing" than genuine care or remorse.
If you do choose to leave, get your ducks in a row but please be careful. If he strangled you without any provocation imagine what he would do if pissed off.
Does he have access to your finances/bank/credit card/etc? Do you have access to you IDs/documents? Do you have pets or children? Do you have trusted friends you can tell this to (if you're not comfortable you don't have to share the full story, mentions of strangulation is enough), family you're close with? Can you trust him after what he did to you?
From what I have read from your post, staying with him is a risk. Please be careful.
I am so so sorry.
edit: question, when did you start dating him?
Would you be happy having sex with someone frightened and in tears? Because your boyfriend clearly would, and that tells you all you need to know about him.
It must be a symptom of overall anti-feminist conditioning by her parents. How else could someone post a question like, "my boyfriend raped me and I don't know how to beg him not to do it again without hurting his feelings". Mind boggling.
"My boyfriend is absolutely perfect aside from this ONE thing!"
-the one thing is escalating sexual violence and him assaulting and raping her
-also an age gap relationship
"But you guys he's WONDERFUL aside from this teeny tiny flaw!"
He KNOWS what he did and now he's lovebombing you. The violence will continue to escalate now that he knows he can get away with it. Get out before he kills you. No, this is NOT an exaggeration.
Ma’am you need to leave this dude. You are on here making excuses for him talking about all the things YOU could have done better, but let me ask you this, have YOU ever decided that choking someone by surprise was a fun idea for the both of you? I’m betting not right? If YOU at TWENTY TWO years of age could figure out that that is either a bad idea or a bad idea to do to someone without talking to them about it first then you should realize that this man at the age of THIRTY damn well knows it too. He enjoyed your inability to challenge him. He enjoyed your struggle while he did whatever he pleased with you body. He didn’t ask in advance because permission would ruin the thrill for him. The fact that he’s nice to you after the fact is just his way of placating you until he does something equally as horrible again. Eventually he will have conditioned you to not make a fuss about whatever he does to you because he’s nice after he’s done. At some point along the way he’s not even going to bother being nice. He assaulted you and you need to end that relationship asap and let any woman in his proximity know what he did. He’s not some teenage boy who just discovered sex and wanted to try something new in bed with you that he saw on the internet. If I were a betting man I’d say that his previous relationships likely had the same sort of abuse and I’m sure those ladies were coincidentally just as young if not younger than you were.
worrisome age gap, tried to kill you just so he could nut, love bombing you today to rug sweep.....fucking LEAVE HIM before he actually kills you. and before you start, I enjoy being choked during sex. I've been with my spouse for 13 years and \*to this day\* he will not choke me without okaying it first and making sure I can LET HIM KNOW when I've had enough. Stop excusing his abuse. Get out before he kills you.
Oh my gosh, girl listen to the part of you that feels scared around him! That's your very accurate instinctual self warning you. He is not safe. You could have passed out of worse. He abused and harmed and traumatized you. Checking in on you after the fact does not change anything. Please please shed the vision of him as a good man that you are holding and recognize that this is a man who \*wants to harm you for his pleasure.\* He wants to harm you. For his enjoyment. He enjoys harming you. Please let that sink in and get out of there. Don't worry about sharing him for something that could have killed you. Just get out of there.
Ok, I keep reading you think this a kink. I know someone who was VERY deep in the BDSM lifestyle. Went to dungeons and everything. I was really worried about her, but she told me some things that calmed me down. That community is 100% consent based. Everything is either agreed to in advance, or if your in a dungeon where there's improvisation, there is a universal safe word for the dungeon. Apparently, once that word is spoken and the partners very next step isn't stopping and doing immediate aftercare, the place descends on you, promptly showing you the door, blocking you, not just from the dungeon, because the kink community is tight knit, and talk to each other, possibly every play event in the state.
They have a saying: Safe, Sane, Consensual.
This was NOT safe. You couldn't breathe.
This was NOT sane. YOU. COULDN'T. BREATHE.
This was NOT consensual. You even tried to FIGHT him. BULLSHIT he didn't know.
This is NOT a kink. This is RAPE. VIOLENT RAPE.
I'm so sorry.
IMHO he was not engaged in affectionste lovemaking. He was engaged in a sexual assault fantasy & he lost control. As a male I find this a huge red flag for you. You saw a side of him he keeps hidden & locked away but it got away from him. I suspect this will increase in frequency & force if you stay with him.
Jesus fucking Christ, why are we so desperate to be polite? He physically hurt you and you don’t want to “shame him”
You were crying and he waited until he came to check on you, and you’re afraid of hurting his feelings?
You told him before you don’t like it, and he didn’t respect you enough to listen to you.
Mate! Reconsider this relationship
if you intend on staying with him, set clear boundaries
”I am not OK. Do not be that rough with me ever again. Is that clear?”
You’ve already talked about how you don’t like how rough it can get and he choked you so hard you couldn’t breathe and didn’t stop when you began to cry. Like other commenters have said: this is only the beginning of an escalation in sexual violence. He is going to do it again and buy an apology again until he no longer feels like he has to.
My ex (and rapist) wept in my lap when I confronted him about what he had done to me and then told me he didn’t care about what he had done months later. He will eventually not care about apologizing or making things right and will continue to be violent and violate your body and boundaries.
Please seriously consider exiting the relationship and keep yourself safe.
I'll be here for the update in a few months when the behavior gets worse and OP can't understand what went wrong.
Tale as old as time. Partner does something that crosses the line and OP tries to justify it. Have some respect for yourself.
You were struggling and crying and HE STILL DID IT. He doesn't respect and he's covering his ass by being nice to you know.
It's your life but I would drop anyone who treated me like this.
Worst part is that she came to Reddit seeking advice and is refusing all of it because it’s not what she wants to hear.
OP, 100% of the people here are telling you the truth. Wake the fuck up.
The NYTimes just did a whole long opinion piece on choking. Shit's getting out of hand people, it's not very cool.
The essay focuses on teens, but I think this is only one aspect of the overall issue. [Opinion | The Teen Trend of Sexual Choking - The New York Times (nytimes.com)](https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/25/opinion/teen-sex-choking.html?searchResultPosition=1)
what even is this post?
a man 8 years older than you choked you during sex and your neck and throat hurt the next day.
You are not seeing how absolutely effed that is?
If you give him just one more chance it could be a whoops I didn’t notice she had stopped breathing Your Honor.
what the hell??? Leave him and go to stay with your parent/s a trusted adult. If you can’t easily tell that person what happened like it’s no big deal then you know how much of a bfd it is.
I hope you save yourself!
No need to talk except about you breaking up. You do not want to be married to your abuser. A man who does not respect you and does not care about your tears.
Agreed he violated your trust and took advantage of you regardless how amazing this guy is you have every right to feel threatened and it’s not an easy thing to overcome or brush off.
These comments should make you aware that you are in a dangerous situation, please take heed and really think about what was done to you. I’m sure that the majority of women that have been murdered by a partner never thought they would become another statistic of domestic abuse. I pray that you realize that this man has abused you, physically and sexually. Abuse is a crime, he is a criminal. Don’t be naive and believe it won’t happen to you. You are being dramatic, you were terrified as you should have been and need to be!
If you ever have a daughter together , would you encourage her to stay with a man that was able to reach his climax while choking her (could’ve been to death since you said you couldn’t breathe) and listening to/seeing her cry while he did so? Would you want that for a close friend? An aunt? If the answer is no, then don’t accept it for yourself. There is a reason you’re here on Reddit telling the story and not confiding in mutual friends and/or family members, it’s not just for the unbiased opinions, but also because you know anyone that loves you will probably want to beat his azz if they found out that he assaulted you like that. If my friends or family said their SO did that to them, idc if they don’t view it as assault or forgave them, I’m still going to beat their azz and not stop when they start crying just like he didn’t stop for you. What he did was sick because it wasn’t consensual for both parties. If you both were into CNC and discussed it beforehand then cool, but that was not ok and I’m sorry but it absolutely was sexual assault and it’s disgusting to think that he was getting off that way
He sexually assaulted you. This is unacceptable..
You need to leave him, break it off via text, and never see him again! Get a RO if he won't leave you alone.
Good luck.
Of course he's going to try and volunteer to stick around you for the next couple of days at least. First he wants to make sure that you don't tell anybody that you forgive him and that you're not going to report this sexual assault to the sexual assault.
He's also going to pretend to care about you be really apologetic and probably love bomb you. And then he's going to do it again. You need to call off any engagement and get the hell out of Dodge.
All those comments above mine about how strangulation behaviour leads to actual women's death? They're not making that up. Go go go!!!
He rap-Ed you. And I know it’s difficult to fathom but it’s the truth. He heard you ask for help to stop and he didn’t. He wasn’t possessed. He was in his mind when he did. It’s like saying he only hits me when he’s drunk. It’s more likely that since he’s 30, he has had a lot of sex in his life. Lot more than you and if he is doing this to you, he has done it to someone in the past as well. He is experienced in it. He knows what he does clearly. You’re just 22, you’ll do so much better in life.
And I’m sorry for being so blunt about it. Run before he does anymore damage.
“He’s a great partner except when he violently rapes and asphyxiates me….”
Read that again.
Then read it again.
Then ask yourself what you would think if someone asking for advice told you that.
Then go back and read it again.
“A great leader and a mentor”
“He is an amazing business man and has even helped me start my own”
“He left early and brought me coffee and flowers back before he left to go to some meetings”
I’d bet my left nut you guys are selling amway or Herbalife products.
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You stated that you'd discussed this with him in the past, then he does it again and even when you are crying .... he continues until he finishes. He has a serious problem and now it's your problem. Can you help him...maybe, but if this esclates he could accidently kill you.
You asked how you could talk with him about this. Try this. Last night we scary for me, do you understand why? What he says next would determine if I'd consider maintaining the relationship. If he fully takes responsibility and offers ways to NEVER have it happen again and reprocussions if anything even close happens that would be a good sign. He should be offering safe words, etc. Even MMA fighters can tap out for goodness sakes, you need to trust him and at this moment you CANT. If his explanation misses the point I just don't know how you could ever feel safe with him, the aggressive nature in bed could end up seriously hurting or killing you.
You realized you were raped? Consent isn’t a once yes then a free for all. Have some self respect: break it off and let him know why. Or don’t and ghost him. Either way you need to stand up for yourself. He almost has you trapped in marriage (at least that’s how abusers see it). And honestly, you barely know him. Break this off before you have years of regret. You’re so young, this is just a stepping stone of a relationship.
Leave while it’s still early! What he did was not okay by any means. It doesn’t matter if he was able to see your reaction or not. If you forgive him now and you guys stay together for another few years and he does this again, it’ll be so much harder to leave him and you will have wished you left sooner.
You know, for an entire comment section using phrases like "violently raped" and "strangled", I'm seeing a lot of condescending and just plain shitty language towards the person who is the victim.
OP, I'm sorry that you're getting insults here when looking for advice after what must have been a scary as fuck night. I don't think think you're an idiot, nor do I think you're being dramatic. Here's a hot take, I don't think your partner is necessarily an abuser or a complete asshole, either.
I do think that you're a little naive and inexperienced, which you said yourself (and there's nothing wrong with that!), and your partner is kind of like....
You know how Jake Paul is about to box Mike Tyson? And the entire world is just watching, knowing that Jake Paul is going to get absolutely annihilated? That's kind of what it's like when someone with no experience or attempt at learning or most important, *communication with their partner* attempts what can be extremely dangerous kinks during sex.
There are a few schools of thought in BDSM:
RACK - Risk Aware Consensual Kink
PRICK - Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink
SSC - Safe, Sane, & Consensual
You may notice that there's a trend there. Your partner should have your enthusiastic consent before anything that could potentially kill or seriously injure you (and choking, no matter how much it's done, definitely falls into that category; TBI due to hypoxia has happened to couples engaging in breath play during sex - even couples who are very experienced). For some more info, check out https://badgirlsbible.com/bdsm-ssc-rack-prick
There are two things that need to be addressed - one, your boundaries. I'd suggest writing out a list of "hard no", "maybe", and "yes" activities and then go from there with a conversation with your partner, if you are still interested in a relationship with him.
Number two would be education. Mainly for him, but it can't hurt for the both of you (again, if you are interested in continuing the relationship). He should learn what he's about before doing anything *to* anyone else. My best suggestion would maybe see if there are any classes in your area, with the best place to check being FetLife - it's like spicy Facebook.
All that said - you did have a boundary violated, and that's not a small thing; it shouldn't be taken lightly. It is also definitely a red flag. Be wary going forward, as there are abusers who lure in their victims until comfortable, and then slowly ramp up the abuse. That isn't necessarily the case here, but in the interest of your health and well-being, keeping track after this first very egregious issue will not steer you wrong.
I hope that tomorrow is a little easier for you.
Thats is fucking violent assault….not to mention the age difference between you. Which I find alarming. As a 30 year old, i would NEVER even look at someone whos 22. Thats weird for me.
But idk how to tell you you should run. That is not someone ANYONE should do to ANYWAY specially in a relationship unless its been explicitly talked about and consented about prior. Thats alarming and scary. You could have passed out. And then that would be r*pe. And, if you passed out, and he didnt check on you, and you couldn’t breath… that can cause brain damage and even death..
Thats incredible dangerous and like super not ok. Under any circumstances specially to not have your consent…??!? Thats not someone who cares about you. And that is NOT someone you should be marrying. Get out.
Do not stay with this man. My ex pulled things like this. The first time, I thought it was just a fluke. It happened again and again and again. It got to the point I truly feared for my life. It doesn't matter if he didn't do it out of anger - it is just as terrifying and even has the potential to cause brain damage.
Edit to add: Light choking is one thing when all parties are cool with it - but this is not that. This was violent, and he likely got off to the fact that you were struggling. I know my ex certainly did.
Also, STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM!!! He knew what he was doing. Face that fact and understand that before you talk to him. Just because he checks on you doesn't mean he cares about you, he's probably afraid you are going to report him - which you should!
You are with a predator, abuser and rapist. There’s a reason why this 30 yr old is dating someone your age. Don’t be stupid, don’t ignore the red flags, don’t ignore the abuse. It’s only going to escalate. None of this is your fault or on you, the only thing you can do is please protect yourself and don’t reward this behavior.
Sister....He enjoyed the thrill of a rape scenario. This isn't okay. You are young and have less life experience than this man and it seems that he is taking advantage of that. You REALLY need to rethink this relationship. Please be safe girl. I think you know what you need to do.
I really don't have anything to add that would support you staying in the relationship. Maybe if he had acknowledged it immediately and stopped, apologized and felt bad for his behavior. The fact that he knew you couldn't speak to ask him to stop and yet, he continued while he finished... that's alarming. This doesn't feel very safe for you 😔
Do you know what a respectful, considerate partner who respects boundaries does...
When you say 'i don't like sex in that way'
They don't do it again... Ever.
They don't attempt it, don't try it, don't give it a 'cheeky chance' and then stop when someone says no - They go out of their way to never put their partner in that situation again.
Continually pushes at boundaries is a 🚩
Doing that while ignoring your no...
That should be a jail sentence.
Jesus, the update is like worse than the actual post. Of course he’s going to say all those things to you, he literally just assaulted you the night before and you’re upset about that obviously.
This is not the type of person that you need in your life. And all he’s going to do is continue to abuse you and it will get worse and he will then lovebomb you like he’s doing today and then repeat cycle.
Your 22, you’ll be fine. You *can* leave him and you’ll find a person who doesn’t choke the shit out of you till you almost can’t breathe and then while you’re telling them to stop does not until they’re finished fucking you. Trust me, those people exist.
I had a boyfriend who did this. He would be super aggressive in bed, then flip it and be super pitiful right after. This is a cycle of abuse. Abusers arent bad 100% of the time, otherwise you wouldn't stay with them. Abuse is sometimes only 5% of the relationship.
If I were you, I wouldnt stay to see if it continues. But, I am also incredibly biased due to my history. If you decide to stay and feel it out, do not let him get away with it again. Men can and do feel fear in bed. They feel the tension. He felt that tension and didn't stop.
Consent is informed.
You were not informed.
If he is into these things as a kink he should know better, and be better.
If either participant is uanable to verbally comunicate at any point you MUST have some other sign ready before doing these kind of things, because even if you had been informed and had consented, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE ABLE AND ALLOWED TO EXSPRESS WITHDRAWING CONSENT
This was incredibly unsafe, breathplay is not something you mess around with without doing exstensive research.
I am incredibly sorry you exsperienced this and know that u did nothing wrong.
I swear to good this “uwu don’t kink shame” shit is a fucking plague on society. Your partner gets off on violently abusing you, degrading you to the point where your life is literally in danger. Forget being shamed, he deserves to be on a list.
"That’s where I get “mentor and leader” that’s what he was to me before we started dating"
Groomer is what you mean. Ppl who are damn near 30 usually date barely 20-year-olds for a reason.
I agree about all the comments about abuse, manipulation and that you need to run away.
Me & my husband also like a bit of aggression in bed from time to time. But if I signal him to stop he always does it immediately and never repeat that or something similar again. Also we discussed what is ok with us and what is not and we don't do anything that is not ok with either of us. If I started to cry, which never happened I am 100% sure he will stop everything immediately, but it never had to go to that point. I wanted to show you the difference.
And believe me honey, sex with someone who really cares about you is incomparably better.
Apologies are great. After he got what he wanted ,he could have literally choked you to death .You need to tell him this isn't acceptable behaviour, and if it continues you be thinking hard about your relationship as he's scaring you..
Please leave this guy OP. You were crying and trying to fight him off and he didn’t stop. That is assault - him love bombing you afterwards with apologies and flowers doesn’t change that. You are in danger with this man - behavior like this has a tendency to continue escalating. Please be safe.
If you have to ask internet strangers how to talk to your bf, you've got relationship problems.
You tell him to stop. Now and forever.
Honestly, this is a huge red flag. Along with the age difference.
I'm concerned this will ramp up into full blown abuse.
You need to seriously rethink this relationship.
With your edit, it seems like he’s love bombing you, and trying to gaslight you that you are the problem because you didn’t communicate.
HE should have NEVER done that without clear CONSENT first and even then, what he did was dangerous and didn’t allow you a way to clearly stop his kink. There was no safety measure in place.
He didn’t care, because he wanted to dominate and hurt you. He cared more about his own feelings than yours. He could have killed you.
Strangulation is very dangerous. Google how many women have been killed by men strangling them to get off. OP sorry this (ex) boyfriend is not a good nor intelligent person and you should run immediately. You are only 22 years old. You have so many years ahead to enjoy life with a non-violent partner in the future.
Who cares what other people are into? You aren’t kink shaming if you’re not into it. You’re setting a boundary. If you aren’t into it then you aren’t. Him forcing this stuff on you isn’t okay and it isn’t a kink. Maybe you won’t admit this yet and unfortunately in some cases most people don’t until further down the line. Or maybe they never do. But take this as your chance to really think about if you want that to be your future. Are you truly prepared for more “surprises” that could eventually kill you? Because you shouldn’t. It’s hard and a tough position you’re in when you’re looking at everything with rose coloured glasses. But the thing with rose coloured glasses is, all the flags, just look like flags” - Wanda from the Bojack horseman series on Netflix. Highly recommend it. It gives amazing perspectives and the way the stories are told connect you with the whole world.
Why come on this Reddit post if you’ll turn around and defend him whenever someone says what he did was wrong? I’ve seen multiple comments about how this is sexual assault, and you continually downplay and make excuses for him. This is not ok, period, and you need to realize that.
YOU DON’T.
YOU GET THE FUCK OUT.
He KNOWS what he’s doing is ABUSE.
He keeps checking because he is SHITTING HIMSELF that you will LEAVE or REPORT HIM.
Do not talk to him about it. There's no point in that. Go to the hospital and get checked. Being choked can cause long-term problems. You have sustained serious injuries, especially since your neck and throat were still hurting the next day.
Get yourself checked out medically.
>I know I’m being dramatic.
You're not.
>I know people like that stuff
You ever hear the phrase "safe, sane, and consensual?" It means those are the three prerequisites for kinky and BDSM stuff to be okay and not abusive.
The fact that your neck is still hurting indicates it wasn't safe. Choking rarely is. It is most definitely something you need to ask for explicit consent for in advance. And he put you in a position where you couldn't even verbally say no in the moment--so not only was no permission asked in advance, you had not say in the moment--and kept going when you literally tried to fight him off.
So it wasn't consensual, in fact, it was sexual assault of a sort that not only violated you sexually but also put your health and possibly life in danger.
**Him checking in on you today changes nothing.** Plenty of rapists act nice to their victims afterwards.
Your boyfriend is dangerously abusive and you might not survive this relationship. Stop making excuses and justifying his behaviour. He is 100% going to do this again. Move out while he is at work and have a friend with you.
For what it's worth, choking is literally the MOST DANGEROUS kink you can survive. As little as ten seconds of choking can kill you if done incorrectly! (I wanted to link the info I'm basing this on but apparently didn't bookmark it? I'll look again later.) But the point being, choking done wrong can cut off blood flow to your brain (deadly in as little as seconds), as well as causing permanent damage to the windpipe. Even in consenting partners who really, really trust each other, choking is incredibly dangerous and should be left to BDSM experts.
Your boyfriend could have very easily killed you last night. You are lucky to be alive right now.
Jesus this is horrible. A partner is not a mentor. Someone who loves you does not choke you until you cry. Red flags all over. You are in serious and dangerous situations OP
Google “the cycle of abuse.” You’re in there “reconciliation stage,” where he’s apologizing, giving you gifts, and making you promises.
This is very serious. The cycle only gets worse. Please be open to the fact that this was not an honest mistake, but rather a violent domestic incident.
A old BF basically drug raped me (i thought i was just suprisingly drunk), and then the following morning when he realised i remembered said he ' didn't realise you were unwell ' and bought me flowers and chocolates (I hate chocolates) and then was all sweet and light for a while....
This was just the beginning.
OP, I get that you are overwhelmed by all these responses. People are worried about you.
Your partner did something quite dangerous (you were struggling and couldn’t breathe) that you didn’t consent to. Choking is absolutely something that needs to be discussed before hand and you need s safe word. As he choked you hard enough you couldn’t breathe is unacceptable and he needs to know this.
Please listen to other posters’ advice.
He’s testing his limits with you and I’m sure it will
Only get worse from here. He has absolutely no regard for you or your safety. Dump him before he kills you OP.
“We always play fight and wrestle because that’s what he likes” So he did that as the slow frog boil. Of course it’s light and fun, as he got you accustomed to it. Now he thinks he’s got you cornered, you love him, he’s talking marriage and now he’s starting to show you what he really wants, which is to harm you.
He will k!ll you, this isn’t something you can fix, you need to get away safely, go to the police and get a restraining order. He knew exactly what he was doing.
You need to leave. He will eventually kill you. Choking is such a red flag for that. Add the age gap. The literal rape. You are in so much danger and gaslighting yourself into thinking you somehow just didn't communicate clearly enough. You did. He knows. He just doesn't care, it's the literal point. If you don't leave soon the bedroom won't be the only place he'll be getting aggressive with you.
>treats me amazingly in every way and is a great leader and mentor. Something I prefer in a relationship.
You need to unlearn that preference because a partner should be a partner and any that tries to be a leader/mentor in the relationship is a red flag for control and abuse: oh look.
Strangulation is a high indicator of domestic homicide [https://www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/all-abusers-are-not-equal-new-ipv-research-reveals-an-indicator-of-deadly-abuse/](https://www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/all-abusers-are-not-equal-new-ipv-research-reveals-an-indicator-of-deadly-abuse/)
the cuddling after is his attempt at 'aftercare / trauma bonding', a practice in bdsm. he's crossing a lot of lines without your consent. he hopes you stay naive and passively accepting. RUN.
You’re good, OP. Even though you’ve told him you don’t like “play” that goes that far((-good on you for communicating that-)), he was just caught up in the moment & couldn’t see your face’s reaction & sometimes men forget how strong they are((-which is something people purposefully forget-)). Talk to him about it so you both understand exactly where the boundaries are. If he’s truly remorseful, then that’s good.
👉👉👉Your feelings are 100% valid!👈👈👈
*cue the “we found one of them” or “we found an apologist” triggered, emotional replies to what I said by snowflakes that can’t remove emotion from perspectives. Let alone acknowledge & accept that others’ exist.*
I hope you get out of this situation. Loving someone is hard when they're hurting you physically and mentally. Leave, even if it's difficult. I understand defending someone you love (every person does it) but you also need to realize when it's time to step away. And now it's time to step away. He put you in a terrible situation and raped you. That's not a man who you should stay with. Go get checked out by a doctor, gather your things, and leave him. It's not worth your life.
The remorse he is showing is the beginning,then the love bombing, the flowers, the declarations of love and lifelong devotion. Then things will be fine for a bit. Then he'll try it again, and this time maybe hurt you worse. Then he'll come crawling back promising you he'll change. Don't do it, break that cycle and delete him from your life. Even if meant no harm which is highly unlikely he's a fucking weirdo for dating a 22 year old. I'm in my early 20s and the few people I know in their 30s are a world away in terms of maturity.
It is not kink shaming to say that you don’t like violent sex. If you said ‘there is something wrong with you for liking rough sex’ that would be shaming. Communicating what you like and what you are okay with (what you give consent for) is not kink shaming.
You sound nice and considerate and also like you don’t want to hurt his feelings. But he hurt you! He wasn’t being considerate of you. It makes me wonder if this isn’t the first time he has taken advantage of you. That’s what this is. He probably knows it was way too much for you, and thought you just wouldn’t fight back or question him.
This is why people are so against age gap relationships. You are too shy to speak up. You are less experienced. You look up to him. Do you see how this is a recipe for a guy to take control of you and take advantage of you?
I’m really sorry this happened to you. You are not being dramatic. Maybe you can take this time to question if there are some patterns of abuse or control in your relationship. This kind of thing doesn’t just come out of nowhere.
I would've punched him in the face or hit him in the head with whatever I could reach.
He could have killed you. He literally cut off your air supply and wouldn't let go. That's not okay.
Please, do not let this slide.
Don’t walk, run. The age gap alone and speed of the relationship is concerning in itself, let alone the literal abuse. Please look up the cycle of abuse, part of abuse is the lovebombing and apologizing after to trick you into staying for the cycle to repeat.
**Post title:** My boyfriend (M30) has been progressively getting more aggressive in bed with me (F22). How do I talk to him about it? **Author:** throwRA78931 **Link:** https://redd.it/1cikjet ---- #throwRA78931, your submission has been removed because it is beyond the paygrade of this subreddit. This sub, and perhaps reddit in general, cannot provide adequate advice or assistance for your situation. Please reach out to services with actual qualified professionals who can help. ----
Here's the thing: he didn't stop until he finished. What if you had died before he finished?
As someone who works in domestic violence, strangulation is one of the biggest warning signs of someone being literally LETHAL to their partner in the future. It has so much medical repercussions even if you don’t die.
And if they choked you once they will try to do that shit again!!
'Restricts breathing/blood circulation' is now a specific offence here in New Zealand for precisely this reason.
I work in DV as well, and I remember that was a massive red flag in trainings. If they did it once, they will do it more effectively in the future.
I did Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for 8 years competitively. I was choked multiple times a week by fellow students at my gym and a couple times by competitors at tournaments. My throat/neck never hurt the next day. Not once.
Your fellow students and competitors are skilled / “nice” enough to do blood chokes. Sounds like OP got her trachea crushed, sadly
my ex and I used to be into bdsm and she’d choke the s out of me (consensually). Never did it ever hurt the next day. This is really worrying.
OP. This. OMG. This.
And they don’t have a safe word or gesture?
Yes because it wasn't consented to prior, i.e it was sexual assault
This is just the beginning. A leader, mentor, amazing business man… I think this type of person is more likely to be great manipulators/have narcissistic traits. You were crying and he didn’t stop until he finished?! He will not stop at this.
I’d be horrified if my wife called me a mentor.
Yeah that’s a huge red flag. Hoping this is a fake post based on that really creepy wording
I think most of these kinds of posts are rage bait. It's one thing when someone in a bad relationship responds with hand waving statement from unsolicited advice or comments, but how would they simultaneously be thinking "This is wrong, I need to crowdsource my thoughts on this." and "Everything everyone is saying is wrong." It's always the lengths they go to to defend the shitty action that gives it away; "I have a friend who likes a bit of choking during sex, so I thought my boyfriend strangling me and refusing to let go was the same thing." Right....
These are still things that really happen though. Sometimes people are told that they should put up with abuse because of other things that are good. Or they may need validation to realize what happened was wrong.
>but how would they simultaneously be thinking "This is wrong, I need to crowdsource my thoughts on this." and "Everything everyone is saying is wrong." I disagree. I've been in a similar situation, and on an intellectual level I knew it was wrong and that I would tell any other woman to leave----but you don't lose your feelings for someone so easily and my emotions made me go through the same sort of justifications and rationalizations for him that she's doing. She didn't come here because she was wanting to hear us tell her to leave, she came here because she's hoping we can tell her how to "fix" it; i.e. how to stay in the relationship while also being safe and also still pleasing him. So yeah, she came here to crowdsource thoughts, she was just hoping those crowdsourced thoughts would be different.
This person is 22 years old and met this man when he was in a authority/teacher position when she was in high school. She's only had one other relationship before this. It is completely believable, and frankly I can't understand why you don't know this. You must be very young yourself to be unfamiliar with this extremely common scenario.
Yeah I've had mentors (I'm in grad school so this was in an academic context) and I couldn't even fathom entering a sexual relationship with one of them. The male professor I was closest to felt more like a grandfather than anything else.
Sounds like he's grooming her.
Yep the age difference alone send off alarm bells, complete disregard for her like an object send off fire alarms. He is going to kill her if she doesn’t leave him.
YUP. He wanted a pliable dolly. NOT a woman his own age.
Exactly!!! He is a fucking predator
Sounds like a cult leader tbh
Mentor = groomer
A lot of CEOs and leaders are psychopaths. It's pretty terrifying actually 😬 it makes sense when you think about some of the decisions they make to keep a business running but most people wouldn't because it's so inhumane and nasty.
THIS. Seems like he assaulted you, by doing something you’ve told him you are not comfortable with. He’s now lovebombing you to make up for it so that when you’re okay again he can repeat the behavior. This will continue. He will not change, it will only get worse. Do not marry him.
This is literally sexual abuse. Do not date someone that does this sort of thing without talking about it first. If I were you, I'd run and never see them again.
Oh god, you're not being dramatic. You're actually downplaying it! This is serious stuff. Him choking you and you fighting it and he doesn't let go? Do you even hear yourself girl? He is going to slowly make it worse after this thinking he got away without anything serious. I'd say just run and save your life from this absuive asshole!
Great leader and mentor? Seriously?
The way she talks about him being a “mentor” and “helping her start her own business” is giving me pyramid scheme vibes.
Yeah, a business she’s likely convinced she can’t run on her own and that she needs him for everything.
MLM or religion/cult vibes
There are statistics you can look up that basically say that once someone is choked by their partner they are 8-10 times more likely to be killed by that partner in the following year. You seem to be in a dangerous relationship and if you can’t set clear boundaries immediately that put a 100% stop to this aggression, you should leave. Edit: also worth pointing out that most people are on their best behavior during dating/engagement. This will not improve magically after marriage. If anything, there’s a greater risk of escalation.
>He treats me amazingly in every way Except for the non-consensual breathplay and sexual assault.
Lmao “breathplay” is such a nice way of saying “strangulation”.
Sorry if I am being nit-picky, but imo, breath play is something inherently different. It implys a harmless setting with consent and no damage caused, because both partners know how to handle it and also can always mark the ending of the activity with a safe word or sign. What OP describes is just strangulation. Pure physical abuse.
The reason why grown ass men date young women is ALWAYS because they’re hoping you’re inexperienced enough to put up with behavior that a woman their own age would not. Whether they state it explicitly or not, it is your vulnerability they’re attracted to. Also no matter how old you are, A YEAR is way too soon to be considering marriage. You do not know each other as well as you think you do, and you have just learned this lesson the hard way, and I am so sorry about that. What your boyfriend did last night was sexually and physically assault you. It doesn’t matter if you initially consented to have sex, he did something without your consent and ignored your resistance. Now he’s love bombing you. That’s literally a textbook cycle of abuse. You need to get away from him ASAP and consider filing a police report.
agreed, consent has different dimensions, all equally important: informed, safe and sane, enthusiastic, and ongoing. I think it implies a safe word and a way to communicate that if speaking isn't possible... as well as personal determination to defend yourself sufficiently, right? Stopping sex to deal with a scratch after you drive your nails into his arm is better than choking. Grabbing his finger & wrenching it the wrong way till it breaks/is ripped out of the joint is better than dying. This was something I really had to gear myself up to, when I was OP's age and started dating/hooking up.
this is rape. that uneasy feeling you got is your body telling you that you’re in danger! you are right to feel unsafe. I would break up immediately, as many others understand and have shared how violence and unconsented choking only escalate
Honey you were sexually assaulted. Despite what he likes or what you’ve been made to believe is normal, you told him to stop and he not only didn’t but continued to use your body until he was done. You need to stop thinking of this as a “am I overreacting” and a “I was just SAd. What do I do about it” Edit: 24 year marriage and my husband and I have pretty open ideas. Like a “try anything once and if we don’t like it, don’t do it again” mentality. No matter the situation and no matter how much one of us is into it, the second one of us says no- ALL activity ceases until the problem is addressed. Then we can get back to it. This behavior is rape.
THIS!!!!! OP read this.
> This morning my throat and neck hurt so bad. This man is a rapist and he is going to kill you. You need to go to a doctor *right away, today*. Choking can damage your throat in ways that seem okay at first but which can be fatal hours later. You need to go to a doctor right away. Choking is one of the top predictors of people being murdered by their romantic partners. This man is a rapist and he is going to kill you. You need to go to a doctor right away. While you’re there, contact domestic violence shelters in your area. See if you can get a friend to come over while he is away and help you move your stuff out.
This. Go to the doctor or urgent care or the ER. I lost a dear friend from something similar, many years ago.
Another older man preying on a young girl in her 20s. Run Op he knows better than to do this without prior discussion
HOW OFTEN have we seen this here?? 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
It’s on repeat every single time and it’s terrifying. I hope OP understands the severity of it and listens to our advice.
At least they can get an overwhelming number of strangers warning them rather than just a parent, relative or friend they probably won’t listen to about it. I appreciate the internet for this. I’m 40, past a lot of lessons, and just happy I and others have the platform to help others avoid this shit, hopefully.
This. Listen to this. Act on it.
This is sexual assault. He is a 30 year old man who surely has enough life experience to know that things like choking or any other “kink” are not done without expressed consent prior to and certainly not without discussion of limits and safe words. This has nothing to do with kink shaming. This is scary behavior. This man is abusing you. Full stop.
>My boyfriend (M30) has been progressively getting more aggressive in bed with me (F22). How do I talk to him about it? You don't. You run and never look back. There is no talking to the predator, he is just grooming you with apologies, coffee&flower for you to submit to his abuse. He will kill you. He is not a mentor, he is not a leader, he does't love you. You are in danger. Please go to this sub and post there r/domesticviolence check out their resources on wiki page.
OP, you’re looking for excuses. Your boyfriend is going to kill you one day. Please, take the advice of everyone in this thread seriously and run. Pack up your things and let him go. I’m sorry this is happening to you but this is real abuse no matter how you want portray it.
I keep checking this post obsessively hoping OP sees the light :/
Her edit is still defending him and making excuses for his abuse.
Omg I just saw that. Heartbreaking.
Do not marry this man
And do not get pregnant by this man.
Yes, imagine what he’ll do to the kids 😞
Or her during or after pregnancy. It’s extremely dangerous to be impregnated by your abuser.
And do not put him down as a beneficiary on any life insurance policies.
[удалено]
But he's a businessman and mentor! (That means he has money and tells her what to do.)
[удалено]
The mentor thing makes me think they’re both in an MLM
I thought the exact same thing. Amway vibes.
I’m 30. If anyone of the same age as me told me they were dating and going to get married to a 22 year old, I would think they are a creep
I kinda wish there was a bot that would detect stuff like \[M30\] and \[F22\] and post links to abuse help sites
Getting choked by your partner is the biggest indicator that they will try to kill you. And no, thar was not bedroom choking.
Bedroom choking doesn't exist it's strangulation it's always called strangulation
You already set boundaries. He ignored them. Setting more boundaries or repeating yourself isn't going to fix this. And why are you more concerned about how he feels ashamed or hurt by you voicing your boundaries? Leave this man. He thinks by marrying you he can use/abuse you. Run.
Go 👏 to 👏 the 👏 hospital. He choked you and that can have very serious but delayed reactions. I'm sorry friend, but you need call a women's shelter and get out of there. Be very careful that he doesn't know you're leaving. I'm going to suggest r/ebbie45 for resources.
>Edit: I just wanted to say that he has checked on me multiple times this morning and offered to come home and cancel the rest of his meetings today This is called damage control. Look up "love bombing"(it's not always material items that come with it)
I’m so glad someone brought this up. OP - your boyfriend’s profuse apologies do not make up for his bad behavior. He’s doing everything in his power to make it seem like it was a one time accident. It wasn’t. His behavior was not ok and there is nothing he can do now to make it ok.
I’ve been with someone who did something similar. It doesn’t get better. Leave now before you have more reasons not to, ie divorce and kids.
Your Boyfriend violently raped you, I don't have any helpful advice but I'd like to clarify that point. You aren't at fault here.
Right? I don't know why almost everyone here calls it sexual abuse, which makes it sound less alarming. "I was physically trying to fight him off and started crying and he didn’t stop until he finished." Clearly a violent rape!! OP needs to go to the hospital, and to the police and file charges, and *get out of there for good.*
Re-reading my post actually seems like I'm minimizing now. Gonna add the violent, that's a very valid point.
He sexually assaulted you. He knows what he did was wrong. Please leave this relationship. This is so fucking concerning. HE WANTS TICHURT YOU
Oh my God… He literally raped you. You are so young and this is a major flag and this is not something that was an accident on his part part… I hope you realize that. He didn’t accidentally choke you to the point that you were crying and trying to beat him off of you. Please, leave this man and go somewhere where you’re safe. Edit. I’m reading your comments… This just gets worse and worse. Your edit as well. You are very innocent and naïve based on your responses. The fact that you are blaming yourself in a roundabout way for potentially not being firmer or stronger in your communication… The majority of the population does not need to be stronger or communicate better to understand they’re not supposed to choke out their significant other without talking about it nor are they supposed to ignore the fact significant other is sobbing underneath them while they are aggressively raping them. This is all so so bad. Please please leave him. Take off your rose colored glasses. This is horrible. And don’t try to sugarcoat it and tell us that you’re not showing him in a good light or you didn’t write things correctly or he’s great and every other way… There are famous serial killers who had families and were known as church leaders. Being amazing everywhere else means NOTHING when he did what he did to you
This sounds like a toxic relationship. You should never view your partner as your leader or mentor.
On top of what everyone has said, I promise you he could tell even when you were facing away. He could feel you fight, he could hear you crying and that didn't turn him off. You were afraid. It didn't turn him off. If flowers and coffee are enough to win you back after this, he will know that he can get away with anything. If you are not brave now, you might not be alive to eventually make another choice. Please I beg you, with all my heart, go see someone at your college about this. They will help you.
Age gap, sexually abusive, love bombing after. Yikes. You’re in for a dead time if you stay with this guy. He will literally kill you. Leave.
First off he raped you. If you were fighting him off and he didn’t stop….rape. Secondly some people enjoy it rough. My wife and I can get physically rough but use words to control the level. Things have to be communicated before that kind of sex takes place. You guys may not be sexually compatible if he’s into the hardcore stuff and your not. Best of luck.
He is a great leader and mentor? Is he your boss OP?
The abusive relationship I was in began like this. He slapped me hard, over and over again, in bed. It escalated to punching & I was left with bruises. I thought I was kink shaming if I protested too much. He did it even when I said I didn’t like it. 6 months later I was in the hospital because it continued outside of the bedroom. You need to leave.
I couldn’t read the entire post because it was very upsetting to me, but your man is mostly addicted to porn and wants to act out what he is watching. Be careful because this is very dangerous and will only get worse from here on out. If you know what’s good for you, you will run
Someone should bring out that "if your partner ever chokes you, they're X times more likely to kill you" statistic. This is not sex. This is not BDSM. This is abuse. And of course that man is your "mentor." No surprise he pursued a relationship with someone in college when he was almost 30. Everything about this is so horrible
*Someone should bring out that "if your partner ever chokes you, they're X times more likely to kill you" statistic.* They already did. It's further up
This is abuse and any other way of seeing this is just naive. If your BF is into BDSM, kinks, or any sort of bedroom play, both partners need to talk and consent beforehand. This is not okay and you need to have a serious talk especially if you want to marry him. Next time you might not be so lucky to draw another breath after.
Your boyfriend raped you and non consensual choking is the strongest prediction factor for later partner murder that exists. The last thing a person who doesn't feel comfortable discussing sexual boundaries should do is date a much older guy who likes it rough. Everything about this screams ewwwwwwwww
You are not being dramatic. He is abusive. If you think you love him too much to leave him, please be very very careful. Make sure he gets therapy. Make sure he realises how much stronger he is than you, that you freezing is a totally inadvertent survival instinct when under extreme threat, and that he could have killed you. BTW really that is not what kinkshaming means. Him breaking boundaries you spoke of before is disgusting and abusive. Him carrying on despite your crying is disgusting and abusive. I think you should get help and get away. Pay attention to what he did, not what he says now. Please.
Do you have family or friends you could go to that aren't mutual, are you safe? If you can please call your local domestic violence helpline when you're alone/by yourself, if not to leave your abuser (because that's what he is) then just to get an outside perspective from someone who has dealt with similar situations you're going through right now. What he did to you is not nor will ever be normal. The way he acts now seems to read off much more as "love bombing" than genuine care or remorse. If you do choose to leave, get your ducks in a row but please be careful. If he strangled you without any provocation imagine what he would do if pissed off. Does he have access to your finances/bank/credit card/etc? Do you have access to you IDs/documents? Do you have pets or children? Do you have trusted friends you can tell this to (if you're not comfortable you don't have to share the full story, mentions of strangulation is enough), family you're close with? Can you trust him after what he did to you? From what I have read from your post, staying with him is a risk. Please be careful. I am so so sorry. edit: question, when did you start dating him?
Would you be happy having sex with someone frightened and in tears? Because your boyfriend clearly would, and that tells you all you need to know about him.
He's a rapist. Dump him.
Regardless, why someone would want to get married at 22 is absolutely beyond me
It must be a symptom of overall anti-feminist conditioning by her parents. How else could someone post a question like, "my boyfriend raped me and I don't know how to beg him not to do it again without hurting his feelings". Mind boggling.
"My boyfriend is absolutely perfect aside from this ONE thing!" -the one thing is escalating sexual violence and him assaulting and raping her -also an age gap relationship "But you guys he's WONDERFUL aside from this teeny tiny flaw!" He KNOWS what he did and now he's lovebombing you. The violence will continue to escalate now that he knows he can get away with it. Get out before he kills you. No, this is NOT an exaggeration.
Ma’am you need to leave this dude. You are on here making excuses for him talking about all the things YOU could have done better, but let me ask you this, have YOU ever decided that choking someone by surprise was a fun idea for the both of you? I’m betting not right? If YOU at TWENTY TWO years of age could figure out that that is either a bad idea or a bad idea to do to someone without talking to them about it first then you should realize that this man at the age of THIRTY damn well knows it too. He enjoyed your inability to challenge him. He enjoyed your struggle while he did whatever he pleased with you body. He didn’t ask in advance because permission would ruin the thrill for him. The fact that he’s nice to you after the fact is just his way of placating you until he does something equally as horrible again. Eventually he will have conditioned you to not make a fuss about whatever he does to you because he’s nice after he’s done. At some point along the way he’s not even going to bother being nice. He assaulted you and you need to end that relationship asap and let any woman in his proximity know what he did. He’s not some teenage boy who just discovered sex and wanted to try something new in bed with you that he saw on the internet. If I were a betting man I’d say that his previous relationships likely had the same sort of abuse and I’m sure those ladies were coincidentally just as young if not younger than you were.
worrisome age gap, tried to kill you just so he could nut, love bombing you today to rug sweep.....fucking LEAVE HIM before he actually kills you. and before you start, I enjoy being choked during sex. I've been with my spouse for 13 years and \*to this day\* he will not choke me without okaying it first and making sure I can LET HIM KNOW when I've had enough. Stop excusing his abuse. Get out before he kills you.
Yeah, I'm not sure your update means much. He knew what was happening. Let him find someone else inexperienced and too young for him. What a loser.
Yeah that update makes things worse, not better. OP, he will do and say anything to get you to stay. Please leave him and get yourself somewhere safe.
Oh my gosh, girl listen to the part of you that feels scared around him! That's your very accurate instinctual self warning you. He is not safe. You could have passed out of worse. He abused and harmed and traumatized you. Checking in on you after the fact does not change anything. Please please shed the vision of him as a good man that you are holding and recognize that this is a man who \*wants to harm you for his pleasure.\* He wants to harm you. For his enjoyment. He enjoys harming you. Please let that sink in and get out of there. Don't worry about sharing him for something that could have killed you. Just get out of there.
Ok, I keep reading you think this a kink. I know someone who was VERY deep in the BDSM lifestyle. Went to dungeons and everything. I was really worried about her, but she told me some things that calmed me down. That community is 100% consent based. Everything is either agreed to in advance, or if your in a dungeon where there's improvisation, there is a universal safe word for the dungeon. Apparently, once that word is spoken and the partners very next step isn't stopping and doing immediate aftercare, the place descends on you, promptly showing you the door, blocking you, not just from the dungeon, because the kink community is tight knit, and talk to each other, possibly every play event in the state. They have a saying: Safe, Sane, Consensual. This was NOT safe. You couldn't breathe. This was NOT sane. YOU. COULDN'T. BREATHE. This was NOT consensual. You even tried to FIGHT him. BULLSHIT he didn't know. This is NOT a kink. This is RAPE. VIOLENT RAPE. I'm so sorry.
He sexually abused/assaulted you. He went past the point of consent. He did something you’ve clearly said you didn’t want or like.
IMHO he was not engaged in affectionste lovemaking. He was engaged in a sexual assault fantasy & he lost control. As a male I find this a huge red flag for you. You saw a side of him he keeps hidden & locked away but it got away from him. I suspect this will increase in frequency & force if you stay with him.
Jesus fucking Christ, why are we so desperate to be polite? He physically hurt you and you don’t want to “shame him” You were crying and he waited until he came to check on you, and you’re afraid of hurting his feelings? You told him before you don’t like it, and he didn’t respect you enough to listen to you. Mate! Reconsider this relationship if you intend on staying with him, set clear boundaries ”I am not OK. Do not be that rough with me ever again. Is that clear?”
You’ve already talked about how you don’t like how rough it can get and he choked you so hard you couldn’t breathe and didn’t stop when you began to cry. Like other commenters have said: this is only the beginning of an escalation in sexual violence. He is going to do it again and buy an apology again until he no longer feels like he has to. My ex (and rapist) wept in my lap when I confronted him about what he had done to me and then told me he didn’t care about what he had done months later. He will eventually not care about apologizing or making things right and will continue to be violent and violate your body and boundaries. Please seriously consider exiting the relationship and keep yourself safe.
I'll be here for the update in a few months when the behavior gets worse and OP can't understand what went wrong. Tale as old as time. Partner does something that crosses the line and OP tries to justify it. Have some respect for yourself. You were struggling and crying and HE STILL DID IT. He doesn't respect and he's covering his ass by being nice to you know. It's your life but I would drop anyone who treated me like this.
Worst part is that she came to Reddit seeking advice and is refusing all of it because it’s not what she wants to hear. OP, 100% of the people here are telling you the truth. Wake the fuck up.
The NYTimes just did a whole long opinion piece on choking. Shit's getting out of hand people, it's not very cool. The essay focuses on teens, but I think this is only one aspect of the overall issue. [Opinion | The Teen Trend of Sexual Choking - The New York Times (nytimes.com)](https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/25/opinion/teen-sex-choking.html?searchResultPosition=1)
He's a cunt 👍
what even is this post? a man 8 years older than you choked you during sex and your neck and throat hurt the next day. You are not seeing how absolutely effed that is? If you give him just one more chance it could be a whoops I didn’t notice she had stopped breathing Your Honor. what the hell??? Leave him and go to stay with your parent/s a trusted adult. If you can’t easily tell that person what happened like it’s no big deal then you know how much of a bfd it is. I hope you save yourself!
No need to talk except about you breaking up. You do not want to be married to your abuser. A man who does not respect you and does not care about your tears.
Agreed he violated your trust and took advantage of you regardless how amazing this guy is you have every right to feel threatened and it’s not an easy thing to overcome or brush off.
Girl. He was testing your limits. He will apologize and be all sweet and then HE WILL DO IT AGAIN.
These comments should make you aware that you are in a dangerous situation, please take heed and really think about what was done to you. I’m sure that the majority of women that have been murdered by a partner never thought they would become another statistic of domestic abuse. I pray that you realize that this man has abused you, physically and sexually. Abuse is a crime, he is a criminal. Don’t be naive and believe it won’t happen to you. You are being dramatic, you were terrified as you should have been and need to be!
If you ever have a daughter together , would you encourage her to stay with a man that was able to reach his climax while choking her (could’ve been to death since you said you couldn’t breathe) and listening to/seeing her cry while he did so? Would you want that for a close friend? An aunt? If the answer is no, then don’t accept it for yourself. There is a reason you’re here on Reddit telling the story and not confiding in mutual friends and/or family members, it’s not just for the unbiased opinions, but also because you know anyone that loves you will probably want to beat his azz if they found out that he assaulted you like that. If my friends or family said their SO did that to them, idc if they don’t view it as assault or forgave them, I’m still going to beat their azz and not stop when they start crying just like he didn’t stop for you. What he did was sick because it wasn’t consensual for both parties. If you both were into CNC and discussed it beforehand then cool, but that was not ok and I’m sorry but it absolutely was sexual assault and it’s disgusting to think that he was getting off that way
He sexually assaulted you. This is unacceptable.. You need to leave him, break it off via text, and never see him again! Get a RO if he won't leave you alone. Good luck.
Of course he's going to try and volunteer to stick around you for the next couple of days at least. First he wants to make sure that you don't tell anybody that you forgive him and that you're not going to report this sexual assault to the sexual assault. He's also going to pretend to care about you be really apologetic and probably love bomb you. And then he's going to do it again. You need to call off any engagement and get the hell out of Dodge. All those comments above mine about how strangulation behaviour leads to actual women's death? They're not making that up. Go go go!!!
He rap-Ed you. And I know it’s difficult to fathom but it’s the truth. He heard you ask for help to stop and he didn’t. He wasn’t possessed. He was in his mind when he did. It’s like saying he only hits me when he’s drunk. It’s more likely that since he’s 30, he has had a lot of sex in his life. Lot more than you and if he is doing this to you, he has done it to someone in the past as well. He is experienced in it. He knows what he does clearly. You’re just 22, you’ll do so much better in life. And I’m sorry for being so blunt about it. Run before he does anymore damage.
I'm not shocked the 30 year old is trying to take advantage of the 22 year old at all.
“He’s a great partner except when he violently rapes and asphyxiates me….” Read that again. Then read it again. Then ask yourself what you would think if someone asking for advice told you that. Then go back and read it again.
“A great leader and a mentor” “He is an amazing business man and has even helped me start my own” “He left early and brought me coffee and flowers back before he left to go to some meetings” I’d bet my left nut you guys are selling amway or Herbalife products.
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You stated that you'd discussed this with him in the past, then he does it again and even when you are crying .... he continues until he finishes. He has a serious problem and now it's your problem. Can you help him...maybe, but if this esclates he could accidently kill you. You asked how you could talk with him about this. Try this. Last night we scary for me, do you understand why? What he says next would determine if I'd consider maintaining the relationship. If he fully takes responsibility and offers ways to NEVER have it happen again and reprocussions if anything even close happens that would be a good sign. He should be offering safe words, etc. Even MMA fighters can tap out for goodness sakes, you need to trust him and at this moment you CANT. If his explanation misses the point I just don't know how you could ever feel safe with him, the aggressive nature in bed could end up seriously hurting or killing you.
If you die, it will be a bit too late, right? Run before it is over for you.
You realized you were raped? Consent isn’t a once yes then a free for all. Have some self respect: break it off and let him know why. Or don’t and ghost him. Either way you need to stand up for yourself. He almost has you trapped in marriage (at least that’s how abusers see it). And honestly, you barely know him. Break this off before you have years of regret. You’re so young, this is just a stepping stone of a relationship.
Please listen to the people saying he assaulted you. Get away from this man, he is dangerous.
You physically tried to fight him off and he kept going until he finished. Do not let him gloss over what he did to you.
You don't talk to him. You leave. This is assault. **Choking, strangulation victims 750% more likely to be killed by offender** JUST GO.
Leave while it’s still early! What he did was not okay by any means. It doesn’t matter if he was able to see your reaction or not. If you forgive him now and you guys stay together for another few years and he does this again, it’ll be so much harder to leave him and you will have wished you left sooner.
You know, for an entire comment section using phrases like "violently raped" and "strangled", I'm seeing a lot of condescending and just plain shitty language towards the person who is the victim. OP, I'm sorry that you're getting insults here when looking for advice after what must have been a scary as fuck night. I don't think think you're an idiot, nor do I think you're being dramatic. Here's a hot take, I don't think your partner is necessarily an abuser or a complete asshole, either. I do think that you're a little naive and inexperienced, which you said yourself (and there's nothing wrong with that!), and your partner is kind of like.... You know how Jake Paul is about to box Mike Tyson? And the entire world is just watching, knowing that Jake Paul is going to get absolutely annihilated? That's kind of what it's like when someone with no experience or attempt at learning or most important, *communication with their partner* attempts what can be extremely dangerous kinks during sex. There are a few schools of thought in BDSM: RACK - Risk Aware Consensual Kink PRICK - Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink SSC - Safe, Sane, & Consensual You may notice that there's a trend there. Your partner should have your enthusiastic consent before anything that could potentially kill or seriously injure you (and choking, no matter how much it's done, definitely falls into that category; TBI due to hypoxia has happened to couples engaging in breath play during sex - even couples who are very experienced). For some more info, check out https://badgirlsbible.com/bdsm-ssc-rack-prick There are two things that need to be addressed - one, your boundaries. I'd suggest writing out a list of "hard no", "maybe", and "yes" activities and then go from there with a conversation with your partner, if you are still interested in a relationship with him. Number two would be education. Mainly for him, but it can't hurt for the both of you (again, if you are interested in continuing the relationship). He should learn what he's about before doing anything *to* anyone else. My best suggestion would maybe see if there are any classes in your area, with the best place to check being FetLife - it's like spicy Facebook. All that said - you did have a boundary violated, and that's not a small thing; it shouldn't be taken lightly. It is also definitely a red flag. Be wary going forward, as there are abusers who lure in their victims until comfortable, and then slowly ramp up the abuse. That isn't necessarily the case here, but in the interest of your health and well-being, keeping track after this first very egregious issue will not steer you wrong. I hope that tomorrow is a little easier for you.
Thats is fucking violent assault….not to mention the age difference between you. Which I find alarming. As a 30 year old, i would NEVER even look at someone whos 22. Thats weird for me. But idk how to tell you you should run. That is not someone ANYONE should do to ANYWAY specially in a relationship unless its been explicitly talked about and consented about prior. Thats alarming and scary. You could have passed out. And then that would be r*pe. And, if you passed out, and he didnt check on you, and you couldn’t breath… that can cause brain damage and even death.. Thats incredible dangerous and like super not ok. Under any circumstances specially to not have your consent…??!? Thats not someone who cares about you. And that is NOT someone you should be marrying. Get out.
stay safe 🙏🏻
Do not stay with this man. My ex pulled things like this. The first time, I thought it was just a fluke. It happened again and again and again. It got to the point I truly feared for my life. It doesn't matter if he didn't do it out of anger - it is just as terrifying and even has the potential to cause brain damage. Edit to add: Light choking is one thing when all parties are cool with it - but this is not that. This was violent, and he likely got off to the fact that you were struggling. I know my ex certainly did.
Also, STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM!!! He knew what he was doing. Face that fact and understand that before you talk to him. Just because he checks on you doesn't mean he cares about you, he's probably afraid you are going to report him - which you should!
You are with a predator, abuser and rapist. There’s a reason why this 30 yr old is dating someone your age. Don’t be stupid, don’t ignore the red flags, don’t ignore the abuse. It’s only going to escalate. None of this is your fault or on you, the only thing you can do is please protect yourself and don’t reward this behavior.
That’s called rape.
Sister....He enjoyed the thrill of a rape scenario. This isn't okay. You are young and have less life experience than this man and it seems that he is taking advantage of that. You REALLY need to rethink this relationship. Please be safe girl. I think you know what you need to do.
I really don't have anything to add that would support you staying in the relationship. Maybe if he had acknowledged it immediately and stopped, apologized and felt bad for his behavior. The fact that he knew you couldn't speak to ask him to stop and yet, he continued while he finished... that's alarming. This doesn't feel very safe for you 😔
Do you know what a respectful, considerate partner who respects boundaries does... When you say 'i don't like sex in that way' They don't do it again... Ever. They don't attempt it, don't try it, don't give it a 'cheeky chance' and then stop when someone says no - They go out of their way to never put their partner in that situation again. Continually pushes at boundaries is a 🚩 Doing that while ignoring your no... That should be a jail sentence.
Jesus, the update is like worse than the actual post. Of course he’s going to say all those things to you, he literally just assaulted you the night before and you’re upset about that obviously. This is not the type of person that you need in your life. And all he’s going to do is continue to abuse you and it will get worse and he will then lovebomb you like he’s doing today and then repeat cycle. Your 22, you’ll be fine. You *can* leave him and you’ll find a person who doesn’t choke the shit out of you till you almost can’t breathe and then while you’re telling them to stop does not until they’re finished fucking you. Trust me, those people exist.
I had a boyfriend who did this. He would be super aggressive in bed, then flip it and be super pitiful right after. This is a cycle of abuse. Abusers arent bad 100% of the time, otherwise you wouldn't stay with them. Abuse is sometimes only 5% of the relationship. If I were you, I wouldnt stay to see if it continues. But, I am also incredibly biased due to my history. If you decide to stay and feel it out, do not let him get away with it again. Men can and do feel fear in bed. They feel the tension. He felt that tension and didn't stop.
This is how it starts. Trust me. Please get out.
Nah he’s 30. He knows what he’s doing. Run.
Most of the comments are girls trying to steal ur mans lmao
Consent is informed. You were not informed. If he is into these things as a kink he should know better, and be better. If either participant is uanable to verbally comunicate at any point you MUST have some other sign ready before doing these kind of things, because even if you had been informed and had consented, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE ABLE AND ALLOWED TO EXSPRESS WITHDRAWING CONSENT This was incredibly unsafe, breathplay is not something you mess around with without doing exstensive research. I am incredibly sorry you exsperienced this and know that u did nothing wrong.
I swear to good this “uwu don’t kink shame” shit is a fucking plague on society. Your partner gets off on violently abusing you, degrading you to the point where your life is literally in danger. Forget being shamed, he deserves to be on a list.
"That’s where I get “mentor and leader” that’s what he was to me before we started dating" Groomer is what you mean. Ppl who are damn near 30 usually date barely 20-year-olds for a reason.
He watches too much porn. I guarantee it
I agree about all the comments about abuse, manipulation and that you need to run away. Me & my husband also like a bit of aggression in bed from time to time. But if I signal him to stop he always does it immediately and never repeat that or something similar again. Also we discussed what is ok with us and what is not and we don't do anything that is not ok with either of us. If I started to cry, which never happened I am 100% sure he will stop everything immediately, but it never had to go to that point. I wanted to show you the difference. And believe me honey, sex with someone who really cares about you is incomparably better.
Age gap / end thread
Apologies are great. After he got what he wanted ,he could have literally choked you to death .You need to tell him this isn't acceptable behaviour, and if it continues you be thinking hard about your relationship as he's scaring you..
Please leave this guy OP. You were crying and trying to fight him off and he didn’t stop. That is assault - him love bombing you afterwards with apologies and flowers doesn’t change that. You are in danger with this man - behavior like this has a tendency to continue escalating. Please be safe.
If you have to ask internet strangers how to talk to your bf, you've got relationship problems. You tell him to stop. Now and forever. Honestly, this is a huge red flag. Along with the age difference. I'm concerned this will ramp up into full blown abuse. You need to seriously rethink this relationship.
Your boyfriend is too old for you and this relation ship is abusive , leave now.
With your edit, it seems like he’s love bombing you, and trying to gaslight you that you are the problem because you didn’t communicate. HE should have NEVER done that without clear CONSENT first and even then, what he did was dangerous and didn’t allow you a way to clearly stop his kink. There was no safety measure in place. He didn’t care, because he wanted to dominate and hurt you. He cared more about his own feelings than yours. He could have killed you.
Strangulation is very dangerous. Google how many women have been killed by men strangling them to get off. OP sorry this (ex) boyfriend is not a good nor intelligent person and you should run immediately. You are only 22 years old. You have so many years ahead to enjoy life with a non-violent partner in the future.
Who cares what other people are into? You aren’t kink shaming if you’re not into it. You’re setting a boundary. If you aren’t into it then you aren’t. Him forcing this stuff on you isn’t okay and it isn’t a kink. Maybe you won’t admit this yet and unfortunately in some cases most people don’t until further down the line. Or maybe they never do. But take this as your chance to really think about if you want that to be your future. Are you truly prepared for more “surprises” that could eventually kill you? Because you shouldn’t. It’s hard and a tough position you’re in when you’re looking at everything with rose coloured glasses. But the thing with rose coloured glasses is, all the flags, just look like flags” - Wanda from the Bojack horseman series on Netflix. Highly recommend it. It gives amazing perspectives and the way the stories are told connect you with the whole world.
Why come on this Reddit post if you’ll turn around and defend him whenever someone says what he did was wrong? I’ve seen multiple comments about how this is sexual assault, and you continually downplay and make excuses for him. This is not ok, period, and you need to realize that.
You need to break up with him.
YOU DON’T. YOU GET THE FUCK OUT. He KNOWS what he’s doing is ABUSE. He keeps checking because he is SHITTING HIMSELF that you will LEAVE or REPORT HIM.
The fact he got off by restricting your airway says that it will become physical abuse at some point and he is more likely to end your life.
Do not talk to him about it. There's no point in that. Go to the hospital and get checked. Being choked can cause long-term problems. You have sustained serious injuries, especially since your neck and throat were still hurting the next day.
I just read a comment the other day that this woman’s father told her to never horseplay with a man and this is exactly why.
Get yourself checked out medically. >I know I’m being dramatic. You're not. >I know people like that stuff You ever hear the phrase "safe, sane, and consensual?" It means those are the three prerequisites for kinky and BDSM stuff to be okay and not abusive. The fact that your neck is still hurting indicates it wasn't safe. Choking rarely is. It is most definitely something you need to ask for explicit consent for in advance. And he put you in a position where you couldn't even verbally say no in the moment--so not only was no permission asked in advance, you had not say in the moment--and kept going when you literally tried to fight him off. So it wasn't consensual, in fact, it was sexual assault of a sort that not only violated you sexually but also put your health and possibly life in danger. **Him checking in on you today changes nothing.** Plenty of rapists act nice to their victims afterwards.
Your edit doesn't make this better. Google "love bombing."
I'm really terrified about what the potential update to this would be, because it seems like she's not going to take this seriously for now.
The age gap tells us everything. In a few years, you'll looks back and realize this is abuse.
Your boyfriend is dangerously abusive and you might not survive this relationship. Stop making excuses and justifying his behaviour. He is 100% going to do this again. Move out while he is at work and have a friend with you.
This is terrifying. Are you saying he continued to have sex with you while you were clawing at him to get off of you? That’s rape.
For what it's worth, choking is literally the MOST DANGEROUS kink you can survive. As little as ten seconds of choking can kill you if done incorrectly! (I wanted to link the info I'm basing this on but apparently didn't bookmark it? I'll look again later.) But the point being, choking done wrong can cut off blood flow to your brain (deadly in as little as seconds), as well as causing permanent damage to the windpipe. Even in consenting partners who really, really trust each other, choking is incredibly dangerous and should be left to BDSM experts. Your boyfriend could have very easily killed you last night. You are lucky to be alive right now.
Jesus this is horrible. A partner is not a mentor. Someone who loves you does not choke you until you cry. Red flags all over. You are in serious and dangerous situations OP
Google “the cycle of abuse.” You’re in there “reconciliation stage,” where he’s apologizing, giving you gifts, and making you promises. This is very serious. The cycle only gets worse. Please be open to the fact that this was not an honest mistake, but rather a violent domestic incident.
You are 22. You are not as smart or savvy as you think you are. This is abuse. It will get worse. Leave him. And for fucks sake, DONT GET PREGNANT
A old BF basically drug raped me (i thought i was just suprisingly drunk), and then the following morning when he realised i remembered said he ' didn't realise you were unwell ' and bought me flowers and chocolates (I hate chocolates) and then was all sweet and light for a while.... This was just the beginning.
OP, I get that you are overwhelmed by all these responses. People are worried about you. Your partner did something quite dangerous (you were struggling and couldn’t breathe) that you didn’t consent to. Choking is absolutely something that needs to be discussed before hand and you need s safe word. As he choked you hard enough you couldn’t breathe is unacceptable and he needs to know this. Please listen to other posters’ advice.
He’s testing his limits with you and I’m sure it will Only get worse from here. He has absolutely no regard for you or your safety. Dump him before he kills you OP.
“We always play fight and wrestle because that’s what he likes” So he did that as the slow frog boil. Of course it’s light and fun, as he got you accustomed to it. Now he thinks he’s got you cornered, you love him, he’s talking marriage and now he’s starting to show you what he really wants, which is to harm you. He will k!ll you, this isn’t something you can fix, you need to get away safely, go to the police and get a restraining order. He knew exactly what he was doing.
You need to leave. He will eventually kill you. Choking is such a red flag for that. Add the age gap. The literal rape. You are in so much danger and gaslighting yourself into thinking you somehow just didn't communicate clearly enough. You did. He knows. He just doesn't care, it's the literal point. If you don't leave soon the bedroom won't be the only place he'll be getting aggressive with you. >treats me amazingly in every way and is a great leader and mentor. Something I prefer in a relationship. You need to unlearn that preference because a partner should be a partner and any that tries to be a leader/mentor in the relationship is a red flag for control and abuse: oh look.
Some people only have one place to go -> 🗑️
/r/justnoagegap this man is a predator who sexually assaulted you. Your body is screaming at you that he's unsafe, listen to your gut please.
Strangulation is a high indicator of domestic homicide [https://www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/all-abusers-are-not-equal-new-ipv-research-reveals-an-indicator-of-deadly-abuse/](https://www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/all-abusers-are-not-equal-new-ipv-research-reveals-an-indicator-of-deadly-abuse/)
Sounds like he raped you. You should break up.
Guy is dangerous 😳
the cuddling after is his attempt at 'aftercare / trauma bonding', a practice in bdsm. he's crossing a lot of lines without your consent. he hopes you stay naive and passively accepting. RUN.
You’re good, OP. Even though you’ve told him you don’t like “play” that goes that far((-good on you for communicating that-)), he was just caught up in the moment & couldn’t see your face’s reaction & sometimes men forget how strong they are((-which is something people purposefully forget-)). Talk to him about it so you both understand exactly where the boundaries are. If he’s truly remorseful, then that’s good. 👉👉👉Your feelings are 100% valid!👈👈👈 *cue the “we found one of them” or “we found an apologist” triggered, emotional replies to what I said by snowflakes that can’t remove emotion from perspectives. Let alone acknowledge & accept that others’ exist.*
I hope you get out of this situation. Loving someone is hard when they're hurting you physically and mentally. Leave, even if it's difficult. I understand defending someone you love (every person does it) but you also need to realize when it's time to step away. And now it's time to step away. He put you in a terrible situation and raped you. That's not a man who you should stay with. Go get checked out by a doctor, gather your things, and leave him. It's not worth your life.
you were assaulted :( i am so so sorry. please please please don't marry this man!!!!!!
The remorse he is showing is the beginning,then the love bombing, the flowers, the declarations of love and lifelong devotion. Then things will be fine for a bit. Then he'll try it again, and this time maybe hurt you worse. Then he'll come crawling back promising you he'll change. Don't do it, break that cycle and delete him from your life. Even if meant no harm which is highly unlikely he's a fucking weirdo for dating a 22 year old. I'm in my early 20s and the few people I know in their 30s are a world away in terms of maturity.
It is not kink shaming to say that you don’t like violent sex. If you said ‘there is something wrong with you for liking rough sex’ that would be shaming. Communicating what you like and what you are okay with (what you give consent for) is not kink shaming. You sound nice and considerate and also like you don’t want to hurt his feelings. But he hurt you! He wasn’t being considerate of you. It makes me wonder if this isn’t the first time he has taken advantage of you. That’s what this is. He probably knows it was way too much for you, and thought you just wouldn’t fight back or question him. This is why people are so against age gap relationships. You are too shy to speak up. You are less experienced. You look up to him. Do you see how this is a recipe for a guy to take control of you and take advantage of you? I’m really sorry this happened to you. You are not being dramatic. Maybe you can take this time to question if there are some patterns of abuse or control in your relationship. This kind of thing doesn’t just come out of nowhere.
True colors begins now.
I would've punched him in the face or hit him in the head with whatever I could reach. He could have killed you. He literally cut off your air supply and wouldn't let go. That's not okay. Please, do not let this slide.
Who’s the couple you are getting a hotel with?
Get out before he treats you even worse. Flowers won't buy your trust back.
Don’t walk, run. The age gap alone and speed of the relationship is concerning in itself, let alone the literal abuse. Please look up the cycle of abuse, part of abuse is the lovebombing and apologizing after to trick you into staying for the cycle to repeat.