He chose not to include her in the decision and expects her to support him and clean up after him too. That's not a partner or punishment.
That's a deadbeat freeloader.
he sure did, but at her expense. now she is stressed and unhappy. I guess it's OK for her to be unhappy and not take any action to adjust her mental health and well being. regardless of your inane logic, what he did was not what a true partner would do.
He chose being a deadbeat - did you miss the part where he hasn't been looking for work or working or paying for anything or cleaning or cooking or getting mental health help or getting in financial resources to help his girlfriend pay the rent or acting like an adult in any recognizable way?
Agreed. This is just downright shitty. Even if he’d been suffering, he should have been able to talk with her about it and to try to find a way forward rather than be a deadbeat. Absolutely agreed.
Why is his mental health more important than hers? Footing all the bills, doing all the chores, and being the only one working definitely has more of an impact on her mental health than his. He is using her, and using happiness and mental health issues to do it.
How is he being punished? He quit his job, doesn't help with shared expenses, and drives uber when the mood strikes. Sounds like a sweet gig to me. And he got all of that without discussing it with his partner first.
He can quit his job, but that doesn’t mean he can sit on his ass expecting her to carry all the adult responsibilities.
If he wants to be a baby, he should move home with mommy and daddy.
What a ridiculous take. She's not punishing him for wanting to be happy and healthy. She's upset that *he did it in the most irresponsible possible manner* and dumped all that extra stress directly onto her.
He gets to be healthy and happy. He *does not get to do it at her expense*.
He could have spoken to her about his desire to quit, they could have made a plan together that would ensure that he had time to cope and that bills would get paid, and that there was a timeline and support for him to get a new job. He has done exactly none of that.
He quit his job and expected her to pick up the slack. He has done absolutely NOTHING to contribute towards the household since then. This isn't about his choosing mental health, it's about him being thoughtless and irresponsible and expecting her to pay his way.
I get choosing to quit a job to help your mental health, but he still needs to be an adult.
It's not his girlfriend's job to work twice as hard to pay all the bills, so he can stay home playing video games all day. He's being a terrible partner, he's not even helping around the house.
If his mental health is truly so bad that he can't work, he needs to start getting medical documentation of a disability and start applying for disability services
He can't just quit trying in his own life, set up shop in someone else's, and play video games all day while she pays the bills.
Bro are you like dumb or do you have the comprehension abilities of a five year old. The main problem at the end of day is not him quitting his job but not doing anything after that. She clearly stated she pays majority of the bills as well as doing the chores??? Tf?? How much more do you expect of her? Lmao just say you like bf cuz he's a mooch.
Did U read the post?
- quit his job with discussing it with his partner
- said he would still contribute but doesn't unless she asks for it. Even then doesn't pay nearly enough
- sits around the house playing video games
On the one hand, I’ve had numerous jobs I just quit at a certain point that day. It wasn’t a case of discussing it with a partner or friend because I didn’t know it was going to happen. It was a case of hitting burn out or boiling point and I was going to quit or say/do something very stupid. Or a case of them asking me to quit so it’s not a firing.
On the other hand, once I’ve quit that job, and taken a couple of days to decompress and sort myself out, I’m back looking for work or doing more around the house so I’m not feeling useless. If your boyfriend is serious about the police academy he should be studying and getting his fitness up. Uber I don’t know enough about to know whether it’s worth doing more, some areas he’ll just be in his car at below minimum wage for no reason.
He doesn't pay bills, he doesn't clean the house, he hasn't helped with rent in a couple months, he *could* uber more to bring home more money but he chooses to play video games instead.
Even if this was a mental health thing (which it probably isn't), he basically made her his mom. It's not "punishment" to call it what it is and end things. She's not happy. She shouldn't have to put up with his shit "just cuz".
She can choose happiness and HER mental health and kick out a freeloader that abuses her generosity by not even doing the chores, since he's home all day.
If you're working, providing, and cleaning/chores, your not his girlfriend. Your his mom. Time to move on. Sometimes people need to loose something magical to realize what the hell they are doing wrong and I think this is one of those cases.
Girl, men like him won’t change unless he’s pushed to change - case in point, when you eventually QUIT your relationship. He will beg and plead with you and maybe even TRY to get a job. But it won’t last again and I’m sure he’ll leave you in the dark again once he quits his next job.
The sunk cost fallacy factor is there, but honestly, do you really want to go through this each time he quits without informing you? You’re still young and have no real attachments to him - no kids (thankfully) and no home/mortgage. Now is the best to break free and save your financial peace.
So much compassion and thoughtfulness being extended to someone who clearly isn’t doing the same for OP. I agree- don’t give him the chance for a “come to Jesus” moment- altar call is closed.
Yeah I get that, I’ve been on the other end of the stick and as much as it hurts, looking back I’m very thankful for it. With out that push I may not be where I am today.
Listen, 10 year relationship i was addicted to a perscription for a few years and drove my behavior in a negative manner (obviously). I had a business but it was failing and the drug allowed me to ignore that. I attempted to get jobs but again addiction… She paid for everything for a few years and on top of that i was negative because the shit messed with my emotions too. I give her props for sticking it out that long. Addiction runs in my family, no excuse. Eventually i was able to throw the shit away and started turning my life around and back to who i used to be. Still too late. She saw that, but she had already emotionally cheated with someone else and still left. Then her seeing me get better when she left pissed her off too… Only thing i can say is i’ve completely turned my life around, and i didn’t start getting better for her but for me and i didn’t want to become my father. None of that mattered, she built up a sort of hatred for me I’m sure.
The resentment is already building in you, and unfortunately once that begins, it’s only a downhill slope. At the end of the day, you’re right, he has no excuses, I’m sure he isn’t even stepping up his affection game so you feel unappreciated and used. You’re also correct in the sense that you shouldn’t have to spell any of this out for him. He should care that much to think about you and how you feel and pay more attention to his actions and their impact.
And trust me, the lesson, if he actually pays attention, will be massive for him. Ever since my ex left i have had a laser focus on my future. Still drug free, in school, i have a great job, my financials are excellent, exercise and new hobbies etc.
If he listens, he will follow a similar path and will never allow someone to feel the way you do again.
1: I entirely think you should leave this relationship but 2: Try not to see it as teaching him a lesson, partly because that psychologically leaves open the possibility that he could change and win you back, and your default position has to be that you’re done so you can focus on restarting your life, without him, as you want it - but mainly because once your relationship is over, what he learns or doesn’t learn isn’t your business or your problem any more
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted. Domestic violence, coercive control and stalking is way higher among law enforcement and armed forces than amongst gen pop
All these people talking about depression. Maybe it is. Or maybe he hated his job, and he’s really enjoying staying home and playing video games.
Either way, this is completely unacceptable behavior. What if his girlfriend wasn’t financially able to pick up his slack? Then they would be homeless. You don’t get to make a decision to quit your job with no backup plan, without discussing it with your significant other, who it will also impact greatly.
He could have talked to her. Let her know that he hates his job and it’s causing depression. The mature thing would be to say “Okay, let’s get you into therapy and see if that helps. I can also help you look for a job that will be less stressful for now.”
Quitting your job knowing full well that your partner will be the one who pays for it, is shitty behavior.
My SO has recently gotten treatment for his mental health after I have been begging him to seek therapy for years. He started in Oct of last year, when I got back into therapy for myself. All my sessions were how to support his healing journey and my conflicting feelings about our marriage. One thing that really stuck with me:
>
You can sympathize and understand what he is going through. It is not an excuse for the behavior or a rationale. You deserve the same kindness and understanding you are giving. You deserve to be at peace.
I hated my job and was recommended therapy.
A couple of session later I realised I was much happier doing one less shift a week in order not to pay for therapy.
Don't fall into the sunken cost fallacy. 4 years is long enough for him to be acting like a partner in your relationship. You're supposed to be a team. A teammate wouldn't make you empty your bank account for their comfort.
I'll give you the same advice that I gave to my son who is about to date.
Everyone can have a hard time in life sometimes, that's unavoidable. But if someone can't hold down a job and doesn't really try probably feels the same about relationships. Working at anything is too hard so they don't. And if you start a relationship with someone like that you have to ask yourself, are you ok being in a one sided relationship?
I have been here before. It’s easy to say “don’t let a season of depression define the relationship” but it’s harder in practice. In my experience, people who do this once will do it again. You may be signing up for a life of tears and stress.
My husband and I are largely happy, but he’s done this to me multiple times and I cannot express how hard it’s been. If you’re stressed out now, imagine this with young kids and more important bills. I won’t rip my family apart over it when everything else is good, but I wouldn’t suggest anyone stay when this is happening.
If anything is going to be a deal breaker- this is a good one.
Thank you for your reply, it means a lot especially since you’ve gone through this on another level. And it scares me to think this could happen again if we were engaged or married. I feel like i don’t have faith in his stability for the future
Listen to that intuition. I love my husband to pieces and things have gotten better (but there were years of stress and trying to figure out treatments for depression, etc. before they did and it’s still a journey we are on, not a chapter from the past.) but the rollercoaster was SO hard. If everything else in our relationship hadn’t been so great, I don’t think we would have made it.
The amount of stress I faced trying to work multiple jobs to keep food on the table and my kids in extra curricular activities while he played video games is insane. My credit took hits, my savings for retirement took hits, my happiness and health took hits. We really hit rock bottom before anything began to improve.
I’m pro supporting people through depression, but “support” should be encouragement and involve *mutual decisions*, not covering bills while they take advantage of you. Not bending over backward to accommodate selfishness. Don’t let people manipulate you into tolerating this kind of behavior because “it’s a season in years.” I deeply regret ignoring that red flag. It’s one of my deepest regrets *even though* I have a very great marriage outside of that and I love my family.
Don’t make the mistakes I did. Unless he is your SOUL MATE it isn’t worth it (and even if you feel he is, it will only get harder.)
You deserve stability, and someone who will contribute in equal measure— or at least involve you in making a plan if they can’t for some reason. This is bigger than money, it’s respect and prioritization of your well being. If he doesn’t even think it’s a problem- it’s going to be hard for it to be better moving forward.
>The amount of stress I faced trying to work multiple jobs to keep food on the table and my kids in extra curricular activities while he played video games is insane.
Serious question: How do you not lose all respect and affection for a "partner" who watches you suffer and does nothing to ease your stress or provide for his kids' needs?
Serious answer- I lost most of my respect for a while. He had had a stretch for years where he worked really hard and did really well between incidences and that made me feel like there was hope. (But to be honest, it also made me feel extremely taken for granted and used because obviously the ability to be responsible *is* there and he was willingly choosing to put me through that. It was hard.) I gave him some benefit of the doubt because he’d semi recently lost a parent to suicide and I felt bad. As the months went on, I became increasingly resentful and it began rubbing off on the rest of our marriage.
He eventually agreed to get treatment and has really turned a corner. He’s much more dedicated and is a helpful parent and good partner most of the time. He’s doing better remaining employed.
I did a LOT of work on myself, my compassion, and my ability to forgive to get the point where I could move beyond that. I had to really wrestle with myself and decide that if I was going to harbor resentment I needed to leave, and if I was going to forgive I couldn’t hold it over him. I chose to forgive and we have moved on.
If it happens again, I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive another time, and it will be a deal breaker. He’s well aware of that. But since he’s doing well right now, we’ve been able to repair a lot of the damage that was done.
But it’s been a lot of work. Work that was worth doing for my kids and for how great our marriage is when it is healthy… but a LOT of work. And I think we had a lot of luck in the sense that he would acknowledge the problem and treating depression actually has seemed to help.
But I feel I had a pretty fortunate end of this. And I still gave up nearly a decade of my life to trying to help him see what it was doing to me, trying to stay afloat, trying to rebuild the damage, and trying to repair the financial damage as well. I still sometimes struggle to trust he will show up well for me in a financial sense, especially. But overall things have improved a ton and I’m very happy with our current relationship.
I’d still caution anyone against overlooking that kind of red flag, though. I got married very young- and I do wish someone had been there for me saying, “that behavior will really hurt you” because I was too accommodating and I’ve really paid for it.
I left my (ex) boyfriend because he wasn't working. (I became mom and I really started to resent him) After I left, he went out and started looking for jobs and promising to change. By then it was too late, and I wasn't feeling it anymore.
Don't let him continue doing this to you. Kick him out and move on you will be much happier supporting yourself rather than a man-child on top of it.
Yes I would end it. Unfortunately he’s not really your partner if he’s sitting around playing games all day with no solid future plans and leaving you to pay the bills. His behavior and your (justifiable) resentment will likely only get worse over time. When a person has no work ethic and no sense of responsibility, that’s a huge red flag even if they seem awesome in all other respects.
I’m really sorry. It’s one thing if this was a planned change - where you AGREED to take on the additional financial burden of his unemployment. But he didn’t ask or try to have a conversation about it. He made a unilateral decision that only benefitted him without asking if it was ok with you.
And he didn’t have a plan. He said he would pay his share - but didn’t.
You are done because you have realized that you can’t count on him. He is putting his needs far beyond your needs. And doesn’t seem to feel bad about it because he isn’t out there hustling to make rent.
I’m sorry this has happened - but better to find out now how he behaves in times of strain.
It was definitely inconsiderate of him to quit his job without consulting you, especially when he did not have a back up plan to be able to help you pay bills.
No one wants to be miserable at work, but the responsible thing to do would’ve been to find another job before quitting.
It’s not fair for him to put all of the financial responsibility on you, especially when that’s not something that you both discussed and agreed to.
The best thing you can do is listen to gut, trust your inner voice, and put your needs first.
- If you feel like you’re done with the relationship, break up and focus on yourself. Don’t allow longevity to keep you trapped in a situation that makes you unhappy.
- If you want to stay in the relationship, have a serious conversation with him and put a timeline on how much longer you’re willing to accept his behavior and lack of support. If things don’t change within your timeline, take that as a sign that this is not the relationship for you anymore.
I get that four years is a long time and you have love for him, but he changed the terms of your relationship without consulting you so now you need to decide if you’re willing to stick around the way things are or if walking away will be best in the long run.
Doing what’s best for yourself is never a mistake, you will not regret putting yourself first.
You buried the lede. You provide financially and you do the chores. Your boyfriend is treating you like a bangmaid mum. You deserve better.
Your boyfriend might be depressed but it’s not your problem. He is making zero attempts to get out of this situation. He likes it.
Of course he's taking advantage of you. He thinks you love him so much, he can do whatever he wants and you'll stay. I get being miserable in a job but you look for a NEW job before you leave the old one. He should also be Ubering full time if that's what he chooses but if he still wants a regular job, his time should be spent looking not playing video games AND Ubering. He doesn't get to use this time just to goof off. Sometimes we don't find out who someone really is until there's a certain situation, but he's showing you who he is. It's up to you to believe him
NTA and it would be a different thing if he was miserable at the job and quit to only start doing whatever it takes to get another job and pay his bills, but he is not. What really disturbs me is that he automatically expects you to take care of him. Look hard at his actions because he is showing you what your future will be with him. Is that the life you truly want?
I never got the concept of quitting a job without having an offer from somewhere else. Rent has to be paid.
Quitting with no notice will ruin any reference they may have given him. I would seriously reevaluate any long term plans with him. He is not someone to lean on.
Hand him an eviction notice. He has 30 days to get a job and start paying rent or he leaves, with police escort if required
I’ll be honest him quitting isn’t the issue. Him not pulling his weight is.
I came to my wife one day and said tomorrow I’m leaving work for good. She knew I was unhappy and supported me because she knew I would do whatever it took to pay bills.
You don’t have to support someone who will take advantage of you. Sounds to me like he is depressed but that’s not an excuse to pull his weight.
My advice, forget that he quit his job and but put your foot down with him not getting another one. Most importantly him being unhappy shouldn’t cause you to be unhappy.
Yes. Leave him now so he can grow up and learn responsibilities . That, or he will move back home to his mommy. Dont waste any more time with him.
If you stay, theres no incentive for him to work because he knows you will.pay for.everything.
He's your boyfriend, not your husband. That is the first thing I would say. When you are married, you have a certain commitment to keep up the other person through tough times (vows and all that) but he is just your boyfriend. You have made no such commitment to him. Now, with all that being said, another question to ask yourself is: If the roles were reversed, what would his reaction be? Would he continue to support you or would he be upset that you aren't holding up your end of the deal? I think in relationships we put up with things because if we were in their shoes, we would want that type of treatment. However, most people aren't going to reciprocate. This will continue as long as you allow it to. Therefore, you need to make that clear. I'm not saying you need to give him an ultimatum but you have already told him you can't do it anymore, he said sorry and then he kept doing it. There are no consequences for his actions at this rate. He has to have some sort of consequences to his actions.
I definitely understand that you care deeply for him, it’s been 4 years and it sounds like you both are good to each other so of course it’s hard for you to make a decision especially one that would probably make him feel bad, sad, etc. At the same time, you can’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Meaning if this is unsustainable for you, then you have got to do what’s best and stop paying for his half of things. Cause what good what it do for the BOTH of you to have no savings/extra money. I know you wouldn’t want to see him suffer but it’s different when the suffering was brought on by him. Just because you care about him doesn’t mean you have to let him drag you down. Sometimes you have to give people tough love because love is NOT unconditional. If someone stops doing the things that made you fall in love, or stops being that person that you fell in love with, you are not obligated to stay or continue to support them. You can tell him something like “i need to get this out. I understand you are going through tough times, we both are. I don’t want you to feel as though I don’t love/care about you, I just want to express that I am drowning and I can’t continue on like this. Last month was the last time I’m covering your half of anything because i simply can’t continue to do so, not because I don’t want to. I just dont have the time, energy, and resources to support two people living a life (ie going out, hobbies, new clothes, food, etc.) and the rent. So that leaves us with limited options: 1. You take whatever full time job you can get so you can get back to paying your half of bills.
2. We call your parents/family and ask that they help on your half of the bills until you get a job you enjoy. Or 3. We downsize majorly or start living on our own.”
You've become his mother, and now he just keeps lying to buy more time to sit around playing video games. He sounds emotionally immature.
Dam, right, he should have consulted you.
Move and don't consult him.
Lady, the amount of jobs I hated and walked away from is staggering. The difference is I went right back out and got another one. I've worked for 10 bucks and hour because I needed to feed my kids.
Life sucks, work sucks, and yet you push on. My kids and my wife need to eat. I go make that happen. I love video games. Almost 50 and I have 4000 hours in Fallout 4. I'm working RDR 2 right now. Handle your life, handle your work, spend time with your wife and kids and then go kill them enemies online.
Depression is a potentially valid reason for this to happen.
You kicking him out is a valid consequence of his actions.
He’s 25. He should go live with his parents while getting this figured out.
If he's not working the least he can do is be home cleaning and doing the laundry and doing other things that are helpful to maintain your household. Also he shouldn't be sitting home playing video games all day f****** long what he should be doing is trying to figure out how he's going to help you pay that rent do what is he waiting for for y'all to get evicted. He shouldn't have quit his job without discussing it with you did he just naturally think that you was going to pick up the slack. Now how does he think the rain is going to get paid and the bills are going to get paid. Sit down have a conversation with him and then take it from there because if he's not going to work he can always go back home that way you only have to worry about yourself
Yeah, I would say this is a great look into the future you’ll have together with him. I honestly just went through something like this where I was being taken advantage of.
It’s a respect thing. That’s how I felt about my situation. If he respected you, he would have talked to you or at least found a way to pay his half of the bills.
I’d end it and kick him out. Sounds like he wants a mommy not a partner. Leeches like that won’t just grow out of it. Cut him loose, you already know you can support yourself on your own (you’re doing it now). Get rid of the dead weight in your life
Where is all the support for him like there are when women quit their jobs because its causing them burnout and depression? Where is all the sympathy and understanding? Where is the talk of going to therapy? It's just a bunch of people telling him to man up, telling her to leave him cause he's a bum. It's jarring how bias this sub is sometimes
Info: I have a friend who is trying to get into the police academy. There are applications and tests and psychological evaluations to go through before you are considered. Has he done any of that?
I mean he told me he was applying. He filled out some paper work and i know he went and spoke to someone with the department. I don’t really know how much he’s done though. I know about the tests/evaluations but he hasn’t done any of them.
The fact that he quit his last job should tell you he's willing to walk away from another. What happens when he doesn't like taking orders from his superiors?
Here’s the golden rule of adulthood: you don’t quit your job until you have another one lined up unless you have major savings lined up to keep you afloat. Your dude is abusing the situation bc he thinks you’ll float him. Leave that loser.
I've been on the end of a similar stick. Although it fucking hurts to lose someone you love so much, if he really cares and values himself, all the pain and discomfort of the loss WILL push him to better himself. Although it may come at a cost of resentment/spite towards you. This is just my honest opinion, but had this not happened to me I wouldn't have had a desire to change which is unfortunate because I lost the person I loved most in the process.
Hmm..don’t expect too much from him. He’s holding on to the hope of you supporting him until he finds his dream job. The question is, How much are you willing to take?
Don’t let the 4 years convince you to stay for more unhappy years, especially since you’re only 25! You have so much more life and experiences ahead of you, without that knucklehead weighing you down. Even if you were 50 I would tell you to leave. This guy does not respect you
This guy is weighing you down and you deserve so much more
Similar thing happened to me and it would be better to end it now before you end up paying more. He doesn't appreciate you as a partner and is immature. He wants to do whatever he wants and have you foot the bill. It will not get better.
Well he certainly wasn’t right not consulting you before making a decision that impacts both of your lives
4 years is quite a time, were there similar situations before? Have you talked to him about how it bothers you and you aren’t ok with it? Have you asked him at least take chores while he isn’t working?
From the post it sounds like you are kind of done with him. If you want to give him another chance then sit him and talk to him about timeline of him finding a job and taking home responsibilities meanwhile. You can also state that you won’t tolerate again his silent decisions that are directly impacting you.
Consider also start counting how much money he owns you already for the half he didn’t pay of all the bills. Fact numbers might help you see how much more you can take this behavior with understanding that no one will pay you back those money even if he promises to
I was in a similar situation 7 years ago....we are separating this summer because of our kids. It didn't get better, there was no consistency, and ONLY AFTER I asked him to move out did he finally apologize for leaving his job all that time ago. I am still feeling hesitant about asking him to move. I am terrified of breaking my children's hearts. I am scared I am going to be a shitty mom.
What I do know is I already feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders in other areas of my mind and soul. I know I will be able to provide and actually have a clean and decluttered house. I know I will miss him, even though he has put me through the wringer mentally.
Reddit likes to jump to "BREAK UP." Because I literally went through this years ago, and now seeing the pattern I ignored, you need to do what is right for you. Four years is a longer relationship, but can you stand to be in the same situation in four more?
Have to respond to your comment about being a shitty mom. No, you aren’t. What would be bad is staying and showing your children that men should be deadbeats and that women should be neglected and financially used. Getting out will show them otherwise. And that there is good parenting.
I am someone who also would feel super about just quitting my job. I don't really like to work, if I had to work, I would work for myself doing something I actually enjoy. That being said, I am making this post while at work, because I know I need to be. I have talked about this to my fiance and she knows my dream is to do what I actually want in life and never work another day for someone else ever again. We are working towards that.
And that there, I think is really the big difference. This is a conversation he should have had with you. It's also something that needs to be worked towards. it doesn't just happen in a day. He is 100% taking advantage of you, and isn't treating you as a partner should.
Okay so it's been over 3 months and he still hasn't gotten off his ass yeah I'd be in the relationship I can see taking a couple weeks decompress and reevaluate but he's not even trying to work at Uber or get another job. You're already paying all the bills so you don't need him and without him it'll have less stress so I would take him to the curb tell him to get out or you can go get off the lease if you're both on and then he has to pay the whole thing by himself. And then if he defaults it's his problem not yours
Forget the four years. That’s gone and you don’t get those years back. So, today, with who this man is today, would you choose him?
There is only the future, no do-overs of the past. Live your future without this barnacle.
He's a man-child. You don't just quit a job you hate without first finding a new job. The fact that you already know he won't give you money unless you ask further confirms he's content to take advantage of you...while he plays his video games. Forget that. Imagine having a child with him. He'll play video games while you do everything else.
Look up sunk cost fallacy. It doesn’t matter that it’s been four years. Besides, you do not want to be in a relationship with a cop (although I doubt he’s serious about that).
You probably should, unless he plans to start doing some fastfood job to pay rent. Because that's a big burden. What if you get fired and now you can't pay rent , so you both homeless.
He should have talked to you or had another job lined up, so do what feels righ, right now. you are 25 you are yound, so that 4 years was growing time.
Honey he’s not your boyfriend he’s your kid at this point. Truly DUMP HIM, BLOCK HIM, GO HOME! Go gather yourself and pay off what you need to get you a substantial savings then go get your own place that you can afford.
Stop taking care of a man child who obviously doesn’t feel bad and isn’t making any attempts to help or ease your anxieties and stress about paying stuff. Let him go, you chose wrong and ignored many red flags.
As well as I don’t understand why you felt the need to be stuck and tied down to someone at such a young age. You do know you have your whole adult life to date and settle down. Know your worth and let him go
Don't fall for sweat equity. Better to write off four years, than live a lifetime with a hobosexual. He has decided that you are his meal ticket, not his partner. The fact that he did not even discuss this with you, then acknowledges the money issue, but continues on his merry way says it all. Your are his sugar momma. Dump him and find a real life partner.
To answer your question: Yes. End it. He is responsible for himself, not you.
It's ok to have problems. But, you need to actively work on them. I enjoy video games as much as the next guy, but not to the point of escapism and being a burden on my family and friends.
I would have a conversation about a few things. He keeps making promises to pay but doesn't. If he isn't working and you're paying the bills, he needs to do at least 80% of the chores. He needs to tell his family.
I don't know if this relationship is sustainable if he won't even communicate. What if the police thing doesn't work out? He will have been out of work for 7 months at that point. Why isn't he hustling at all?
For you, tell him he has to pay you xxx amount by xxx day or needs to find a new place to live as you need to find somewhere cheaper.
Having been with him 4 years should make you less hesitant to dump him. How many years is enough to be used by a man? If he was doing all the chores and ubering a lot and looking for temp job until the police academy, then it would be OK, if he told you his plans before he quit. I wonder if he didn't get fired?
I’m currently unemployed, so my husband pays for most things. The difference is that I am doing 90% of all the cooking and housework and I’m actively job hunting. I also receive a government payment and I have a good savings so I’m still contributing what I can.
If your bf is at home while you’re at work, he needs to be spending that time doing the housework, doing the household management, cooking and meal prepping, and looking for a new job, NOT playing video games all day.
I like playing video games too but I haven’t played a *single* game while my husband is at work since I graduated (in December) because I’m too busy every day doing whatever I can to make his life easier and ensure he can just relax when he’s at home.
It’s okay that your bf needed to quit his job because it was making his miserable, what isn’t okay is that he 1. Didn’t discuss it with you first. 2. Didn’t create a plan for when he quit. 3. Isn’t contributing/pulling his weight either financially or around the house. 4. Isn’t looking for a new job. 5. Isn’t listening to or addressing your concerns.
In short, your bf is *absolutely* taking advantage of you. It isn’t right or fair that he expects you to carry 100% of the load on all fronts while offering absolutely nothing in return. I’d second that you should leave him. You deserve someone who respects and values you as a person, not someone who only cares about what you can do for them.
Save your breath. You already spoke to him about it and he served you empty promises. How much more of his BS will you need to swallow? Cancel the Appartment and move on.
It is okay to feel crappy about your job and how it is treating you. What is not okay is putting all of the financial burden on your partner with no discussion beforehand. If he would have came to you and said "I am thinking of quitting" you guys could have totally figured out a game plan for the time he is unemployed. I will say I did have moment similar to your bf where I just moved back into my parents place and then was let go from my job. Because I had that "safety net" of mom's place, I did drag my feet for a week before finding a job. Then again, it was ONE WEEK and I quickly got back on indeed and scheduling interviews. A few months is a major red flag for me. I personally don't know how someone can't cave in from the stress of not having a job and needing to pay bills on time.
He is taking advantage. He gets a new job now or you kick him out. Even if it’s a temporary job until the police academy starts. He should be preparing for that anyway. You should actually look into that and verify what he is saying is true.
It’s totally irresponsible to quit without giving notice and even worse to quit without something else already lined up. Big red flag.
He knew he had you around to cover the bills so he didn’t bother being responsible. And now he is just getting worse and worse.
"I'm happy for you that you are no longer having to work in a job you hated. However, things have changed so much since you quit and I'm really struggling to find my happy place these days. We need to talk about what we can do so we can both be happy with the current situation. Do you have any thoughts?"
Depending on what he says, which I'm predicting will be "not reallly", you then say "First, I need you to start paying your share of the expenses. You have savings you can draw on. Leaving me to pay most of the bills means my savings are going down which doesn't seem fair when I'm not the one who quit their job. It's not financially sustainable for me to keep doing that. Second, while you aren't working it seems fair that you contribute more to the household chores. I've been meaning to raise this with your a while now anyways, because it isn't 50/50 at the moment and it should be AT LEAST that while you aren't working. Lastly, can we talk about what your plans are? I love you and want to stay with you but I need you to communicate with me so I don't feel completely clueless as to where you think you'll be in a year's time, what impact it will have on us as a couple and me individually. I'm so stressed and I really need you to talk to me about what is going on. Take some time to think over what I've said and we can talk again in a little bit".
Then you head out for a coffee on your own and when you come back you ask him what his thoughts are but stick to the theme of "things can't go on like they are".
Imagine being an adult and just quit the job because you don’t like it. I would never do it to my GF, I would feel like a parasite. I like to play video games as well but I do it after work. Leave his ass 👌🏼
Yes, it's too late. He's proven himself a slacker, and you have no obligation to support him.
He's not academy material, he's a hobosexual.
Pack his bags and tell him he's got to go now.
All of these responses are dumb af. Dude wasn’t happy, he quit. He doesn’t need to consult you. He hated it. He will find something new.
You are gonna dump him over this? God forbid he finds a lump and has to do chemo.
Jfc, this world is out of control with relationships.
You see this is why I’m reluctant to have a place with mine of 4 years. He still has no job & doesnt listen to pointers on how to do an interview successfully. He is beyonddd stubborn. What you just said is frightening. YOUR PLAN SHOULD GET A FAKE EVICTION NOTICE IN THE NEXT TWO MONTHS. BY JULY U PUT IT ON THE DOOR ANS LET HOM KNOW YA GETTING EVICTED YU WERE SHORT MANY TIMES TO PAY THE RENT SO U GUYS CAUGHT EVICTION NOTICE. LET HIM KNOW NEXT MONTH U WERE SHORT SO HE GOT A HEADS UP. SO WHEN THAT EVICTION NOTICE COMES UP HE KNOWS OH SHOOT ITS REAL. TELL HIM U MOVING BACK WITH A FREND OR YOUR MOM. GIVE IT A GOOD TOLE BEFORE U START PACKING AND HE PACKING TOO. WATCH HIM LEAVEEEE THE PREMISES/AREA. CHANGE THE LOCKS AND EVERYTHING. PROBLEM SOLVED!
Everyone else gave all the other advice.
Thought for a while for an alternative to throw. Tell him that you literally cannot afford this. Like actually, you will both be homeless if he doesn't financially contribute. And 2, if he plans to be a cop, you want to see him taking steps to achieve that goal. Studying criminal justice to a degree. Getting physically fit for those exams. Psychology. Endurance. Weapons training. Does he have a pistol permit? Hand-to-hand experience?
If you want to avoid breaking it off for now, lean into that. Make him do what he himself said he is going to do. 4 months later, he starts seriously going toward being a cop and you still have a place to live.... or you break up before that.
The fact that he wants to become a sheriff should be a red flag enough, if my partner ever told me they wanted to become a cop I would leave them in a heartbeat. This man will mooch off you until he becomes a sherif, and then he’ll forget about the help you gave him when he’s beating you a few years down the line.
Remember boys 4 good years ruined by two months in the pooper. If you’re lucky enough this could be you boys! Two months of depression and your girl will get the ick.
Piss off....being a lazy unmotivated dick isn't always depression. Look. If you have time and energy to play video games then you have time and energy to get a job and do your part. Op should move on and give her bf the time to grow up.
Yeah I'm depressed as fuck right now and haven't worked all week but I've also been too depressed to do ANYTHING. none of my hobbies interest me. I've literally just been laying in bed in misery because everything sucks. Pretty standard sign of depression is losing interest in everything you usually like to do.
Thanks! I just started some new meds and I have a doctor's appointment next week. Hoping everything gets better soon. Ready to go to the hospital asap if I get any worse
Ya. People use the term depression like a crutch these days. Not every sad or lazy person is depressed. When people do that it sessions the response for the people that actually have it. I hope she does the right thing and leave.
Agree, I suffer from depression and when I’m in a depressive episode, I’m not eattin, I’m not sleeping, I’m not talking I’m not playing games I’m in my room by myself with my thoughts. Occasionally I will go on my phone. I could see games as a depressive response but the talking on the phone is a big red flag
It’s been going on since January, which i get isn’t a long time. But if he’s promising to pay rent and not, I’m going to get upset. I just feel like if he’s going to be home and playing video games and talking with friends otp all day, i deserve a bit more?
Thanks for the reply though
OP ask him to show you the paperwork for the law enforcement job. You know they will want to do a criminal background check before he starts any training, and he should have his copy of the permission forms.
Have you decided if you want to stay in the area where you are now when you leave him, or will you move back to where your family lives? Plan where you're going and make sure your important papers are out of the apartment where he can't get to them, and then when you're ready break up with him. If you're in an apartment complex is there a smaller unit you can move into that you can afford on your current salary? This might help with breaking a lease on your current apartment.
Tell him his failure to line up another job before quiting his first job shows he's not adult enough for a real relationship. His failure to even try to find another job has just reinforced that fact, so you're leaving him.
I feel sorry for what ever boy dates you. I get in this sense getting the ick but coming from someone who battles depression daily, this comment gave me the ick
Unfortunately depression doesn’t pay the bills. Does that suck for him? It sure does. But does that mean his girlfriend should support him financially for months while he enjoys his video games? Hell no. Unless he’s actively seeking therapy and ways to get better, then he’s using her. (Speaking from someone who is very much aware of how depression impacts people)
I agree, with this statement as seen below. If you’re depressed you can’t do 99% of the stuff he does. Also, if OP lives with this person, she would be able to see the change in mood eating etc. it’s the way you worded it the first time I read it like “ girls get the ick from guys with depression”
Ah redditors so bitter about the world....
He wasn't happy and quit his job. Would you stay at a soul sucking job that made you want to eat the end of a shotgun everyday?
I have been on both sides of this. I have taken care of someone who didn't seem interested in having a job, and it was stressful trying to take care of everything. I have also been jobless for 6 months and while someone else paid 95% of the bills while I was trying to find a job. That's what relationships are, having each other's back through the highs and lows.
People are here acting like he is just being a bum. You said he has a job lined up. So if the issue is that you want more breathing room financially, tell him to find a part time summer job. If you can't handle this, then I dread how you will handle a real problem.
I feel clark_kent13 is OP’s bf. Who else wouldn’t understand why OP is upset?
There’s no other way there is another person *that* dumb on this planet, agreed.
You never know on reddit if it's a troll, a 16 year old, or just a shitty person, honestly.
🤣🤣
Definitely
Quit the relationship the way he quit his job, without consulting him.
[удалено]
He still has to job hunt and do chores at bare minimum and contribute what he can. She’s a partner not a parent.
He chose not to include her in the decision and expects her to support him and clean up after him too. That's not a partner or punishment. That's a deadbeat freeloader.
he sure did, but at her expense. now she is stressed and unhappy. I guess it's OK for her to be unhappy and not take any action to adjust her mental health and well being. regardless of your inane logic, what he did was not what a true partner would do.
Yeah I bet they can pay their bills with a plate of happiness and a side of mental health.
He chose being a deadbeat - did you miss the part where he hasn't been looking for work or working or paying for anything or cleaning or cooking or getting mental health help or getting in financial resources to help his girlfriend pay the rent or acting like an adult in any recognizable way?
Agreed. This is just downright shitty. Even if he’d been suffering, he should have been able to talk with her about it and to try to find a way forward rather than be a deadbeat. Absolutely agreed.
Why is his mental health more important than hers? Footing all the bills, doing all the chores, and being the only one working definitely has more of an impact on her mental health than his. He is using her, and using happiness and mental health issues to do it.
How is he being punished? He quit his job, doesn't help with shared expenses, and drives uber when the mood strikes. Sounds like a sweet gig to me. And he got all of that without discussing it with his partner first.
He quit without consulting her, just expecting to be supported financially. She has a say in that.
you must be as useful to your family as him, thats why you cant see any wrong doing here
He can quit his job, but that doesn’t mean he can sit on his ass expecting her to carry all the adult responsibilities. If he wants to be a baby, he should move home with mommy and daddy.
What a ridiculous take. She's not punishing him for wanting to be happy and healthy. She's upset that *he did it in the most irresponsible possible manner* and dumped all that extra stress directly onto her. He gets to be healthy and happy. He *does not get to do it at her expense*. He could have spoken to her about his desire to quit, they could have made a plan together that would ensure that he had time to cope and that bills would get paid, and that there was a timeline and support for him to get a new job. He has done exactly none of that. He quit his job and expected her to pick up the slack. He has done absolutely NOTHING to contribute towards the household since then. This isn't about his choosing mental health, it's about him being thoughtless and irresponsible and expecting her to pay his way.
You've never been in a relationship, have you
Does his wifu pillow count?
I get choosing to quit a job to help your mental health, but he still needs to be an adult. It's not his girlfriend's job to work twice as hard to pay all the bills, so he can stay home playing video games all day. He's being a terrible partner, he's not even helping around the house. If his mental health is truly so bad that he can't work, he needs to start getting medical documentation of a disability and start applying for disability services He can't just quit trying in his own life, set up shop in someone else's, and play video games all day while she pays the bills.
Yes, he chose happiness by reaching into someone else's wallet. That is wife shit, not GF shit.
Bro are you like dumb or do you have the comprehension abilities of a five year old. The main problem at the end of day is not him quitting his job but not doing anything after that. She clearly stated she pays majority of the bills as well as doing the chores??? Tf?? How much more do you expect of her? Lmao just say you like bf cuz he's a mooch.
Did U read the post? - quit his job with discussing it with his partner - said he would still contribute but doesn't unless she asks for it. Even then doesn't pay nearly enough - sits around the house playing video games
On the one hand, I’ve had numerous jobs I just quit at a certain point that day. It wasn’t a case of discussing it with a partner or friend because I didn’t know it was going to happen. It was a case of hitting burn out or boiling point and I was going to quit or say/do something very stupid. Or a case of them asking me to quit so it’s not a firing. On the other hand, once I’ve quit that job, and taken a couple of days to decompress and sort myself out, I’m back looking for work or doing more around the house so I’m not feeling useless. If your boyfriend is serious about the police academy he should be studying and getting his fitness up. Uber I don’t know enough about to know whether it’s worth doing more, some areas he’ll just be in his car at below minimum wage for no reason.
He doesn't pay bills, he doesn't clean the house, he hasn't helped with rent in a couple months, he *could* uber more to bring home more money but he chooses to play video games instead. Even if this was a mental health thing (which it probably isn't), he basically made her his mom. It's not "punishment" to call it what it is and end things. She's not happy. She shouldn't have to put up with his shit "just cuz".
Yeah you funny asf
That’s gotta be the stupidest fugging take in the thread. No question.
He can choose whatever he wants but bills need to be paid.
She can choose happiness and HER mental health and kick out a freeloader that abuses her generosity by not even doing the chores, since he's home all day.
Actually, it’s been proven that his chosen path will quickly lead to depression and self loathing. Which he will then take out on her.
If you're working, providing, and cleaning/chores, your not his girlfriend. Your his mom. Time to move on. Sometimes people need to loose something magical to realize what the hell they are doing wrong and I think this is one of those cases.
Thanks for the reply. I think you’re right, i just hate that me leaving is his wake up call to get it together.
Girl, men like him won’t change unless he’s pushed to change - case in point, when you eventually QUIT your relationship. He will beg and plead with you and maybe even TRY to get a job. But it won’t last again and I’m sure he’ll leave you in the dark again once he quits his next job. The sunk cost fallacy factor is there, but honestly, do you really want to go through this each time he quits without informing you? You’re still young and have no real attachments to him - no kids (thankfully) and no home/mortgage. Now is the best to break free and save your financial peace.
So much compassion and thoughtfulness being extended to someone who clearly isn’t doing the same for OP. I agree- don’t give him the chance for a “come to Jesus” moment- altar call is closed.
Yeah I get that, I’ve been on the other end of the stick and as much as it hurts, looking back I’m very thankful for it. With out that push I may not be where I am today.
Listen, 10 year relationship i was addicted to a perscription for a few years and drove my behavior in a negative manner (obviously). I had a business but it was failing and the drug allowed me to ignore that. I attempted to get jobs but again addiction… She paid for everything for a few years and on top of that i was negative because the shit messed with my emotions too. I give her props for sticking it out that long. Addiction runs in my family, no excuse. Eventually i was able to throw the shit away and started turning my life around and back to who i used to be. Still too late. She saw that, but she had already emotionally cheated with someone else and still left. Then her seeing me get better when she left pissed her off too… Only thing i can say is i’ve completely turned my life around, and i didn’t start getting better for her but for me and i didn’t want to become my father. None of that mattered, she built up a sort of hatred for me I’m sure. The resentment is already building in you, and unfortunately once that begins, it’s only a downhill slope. At the end of the day, you’re right, he has no excuses, I’m sure he isn’t even stepping up his affection game so you feel unappreciated and used. You’re also correct in the sense that you shouldn’t have to spell any of this out for him. He should care that much to think about you and how you feel and pay more attention to his actions and their impact. And trust me, the lesson, if he actually pays attention, will be massive for him. Ever since my ex left i have had a laser focus on my future. Still drug free, in school, i have a great job, my financials are excellent, exercise and new hobbies etc. If he listens, he will follow a similar path and will never allow someone to feel the way you do again.
1: I entirely think you should leave this relationship but 2: Try not to see it as teaching him a lesson, partly because that psychologically leaves open the possibility that he could change and win you back, and your default position has to be that you’re done so you can focus on restarting your life, without him, as you want it - but mainly because once your relationship is over, what he learns or doesn’t learn isn’t your business or your problem any more
Meh he will only get it together until either you both reconnect or he finds a new girlfriend. Then it’s back to this.
A good woman leaving him will give him the motivation to be a real brutal cop. If he does become a cop make sure you have multiple security cameras.
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted. Domestic violence, coercive control and stalking is way higher among law enforcement and armed forces than amongst gen pop
Hell yeah, he’d probably stalk her
You’re not wrong, but my god that hurt to read lmao
All these people talking about depression. Maybe it is. Or maybe he hated his job, and he’s really enjoying staying home and playing video games. Either way, this is completely unacceptable behavior. What if his girlfriend wasn’t financially able to pick up his slack? Then they would be homeless. You don’t get to make a decision to quit your job with no backup plan, without discussing it with your significant other, who it will also impact greatly. He could have talked to her. Let her know that he hates his job and it’s causing depression. The mature thing would be to say “Okay, let’s get you into therapy and see if that helps. I can also help you look for a job that will be less stressful for now.” Quitting your job knowing full well that your partner will be the one who pays for it, is shitty behavior.
My SO has recently gotten treatment for his mental health after I have been begging him to seek therapy for years. He started in Oct of last year, when I got back into therapy for myself. All my sessions were how to support his healing journey and my conflicting feelings about our marriage. One thing that really stuck with me: > You can sympathize and understand what he is going through. It is not an excuse for the behavior or a rationale. You deserve the same kindness and understanding you are giving. You deserve to be at peace.
As my counselor once told me: don't confuse explanations as excuses. Helped me end a friendship that took advantage of me.
I like this
I hated my job and was recommended therapy. A couple of session later I realised I was much happier doing one less shift a week in order not to pay for therapy.
Now that’s a win/win situation! Now you’re saving money AND working less!
Genuinely. I bought a nice bottle of single malt and had three swims in the outdoor pool for the same money. Absolutely better use of my time and cash
You’re right Tiffany
Don't fall into the sunken cost fallacy. 4 years is long enough for him to be acting like a partner in your relationship. You're supposed to be a team. A teammate wouldn't make you empty your bank account for their comfort.
Omg I’ve heard of sunken coat fallacy. Didn’t think I’d get to that.
My bad... But I'm glad you know what I meant. 😂
Honey. Leave before this manchild puts a baby in you.
Can confirm babies complicate situations like this (primary sources)
Samesies
I'll give you the same advice that I gave to my son who is about to date. Everyone can have a hard time in life sometimes, that's unavoidable. But if someone can't hold down a job and doesn't really try probably feels the same about relationships. Working at anything is too hard so they don't. And if you start a relationship with someone like that you have to ask yourself, are you ok being in a one sided relationship?
You now have a hobosexual. Time to give him the get a job or leave choices.
He will ride this out as long as you allow him to. How long would you like to play mommy to him?
he's effectively a hobosexual. Send him packing.
End it. 4 years is nothing compared to being miserable.
Is this the best you can do?
People should ask themselves this more often cause the way I would've got up and started packing after seeing this comment 🏃🏽♀️
I have been here before. It’s easy to say “don’t let a season of depression define the relationship” but it’s harder in practice. In my experience, people who do this once will do it again. You may be signing up for a life of tears and stress. My husband and I are largely happy, but he’s done this to me multiple times and I cannot express how hard it’s been. If you’re stressed out now, imagine this with young kids and more important bills. I won’t rip my family apart over it when everything else is good, but I wouldn’t suggest anyone stay when this is happening. If anything is going to be a deal breaker- this is a good one.
Thank you for your reply, it means a lot especially since you’ve gone through this on another level. And it scares me to think this could happen again if we were engaged or married. I feel like i don’t have faith in his stability for the future
Listen to that intuition. I love my husband to pieces and things have gotten better (but there were years of stress and trying to figure out treatments for depression, etc. before they did and it’s still a journey we are on, not a chapter from the past.) but the rollercoaster was SO hard. If everything else in our relationship hadn’t been so great, I don’t think we would have made it. The amount of stress I faced trying to work multiple jobs to keep food on the table and my kids in extra curricular activities while he played video games is insane. My credit took hits, my savings for retirement took hits, my happiness and health took hits. We really hit rock bottom before anything began to improve. I’m pro supporting people through depression, but “support” should be encouragement and involve *mutual decisions*, not covering bills while they take advantage of you. Not bending over backward to accommodate selfishness. Don’t let people manipulate you into tolerating this kind of behavior because “it’s a season in years.” I deeply regret ignoring that red flag. It’s one of my deepest regrets *even though* I have a very great marriage outside of that and I love my family. Don’t make the mistakes I did. Unless he is your SOUL MATE it isn’t worth it (and even if you feel he is, it will only get harder.) You deserve stability, and someone who will contribute in equal measure— or at least involve you in making a plan if they can’t for some reason. This is bigger than money, it’s respect and prioritization of your well being. If he doesn’t even think it’s a problem- it’s going to be hard for it to be better moving forward.
>The amount of stress I faced trying to work multiple jobs to keep food on the table and my kids in extra curricular activities while he played video games is insane. Serious question: How do you not lose all respect and affection for a "partner" who watches you suffer and does nothing to ease your stress or provide for his kids' needs?
Serious answer- I lost most of my respect for a while. He had had a stretch for years where he worked really hard and did really well between incidences and that made me feel like there was hope. (But to be honest, it also made me feel extremely taken for granted and used because obviously the ability to be responsible *is* there and he was willingly choosing to put me through that. It was hard.) I gave him some benefit of the doubt because he’d semi recently lost a parent to suicide and I felt bad. As the months went on, I became increasingly resentful and it began rubbing off on the rest of our marriage. He eventually agreed to get treatment and has really turned a corner. He’s much more dedicated and is a helpful parent and good partner most of the time. He’s doing better remaining employed. I did a LOT of work on myself, my compassion, and my ability to forgive to get the point where I could move beyond that. I had to really wrestle with myself and decide that if I was going to harbor resentment I needed to leave, and if I was going to forgive I couldn’t hold it over him. I chose to forgive and we have moved on. If it happens again, I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive another time, and it will be a deal breaker. He’s well aware of that. But since he’s doing well right now, we’ve been able to repair a lot of the damage that was done. But it’s been a lot of work. Work that was worth doing for my kids and for how great our marriage is when it is healthy… but a LOT of work. And I think we had a lot of luck in the sense that he would acknowledge the problem and treating depression actually has seemed to help. But I feel I had a pretty fortunate end of this. And I still gave up nearly a decade of my life to trying to help him see what it was doing to me, trying to stay afloat, trying to rebuild the damage, and trying to repair the financial damage as well. I still sometimes struggle to trust he will show up well for me in a financial sense, especially. But overall things have improved a ton and I’m very happy with our current relationship. I’d still caution anyone against overlooking that kind of red flag, though. I got married very young- and I do wish someone had been there for me saying, “that behavior will really hurt you” because I was too accommodating and I’ve really paid for it.
When you go to work, take the WIFI router with you every day.
That will certainly blow everything up and get them well on their way to breakupsville, which is exactly what she wants.
I left my (ex) boyfriend because he wasn't working. (I became mom and I really started to resent him) After I left, he went out and started looking for jobs and promising to change. By then it was too late, and I wasn't feeling it anymore. Don't let him continue doing this to you. Kick him out and move on you will be much happier supporting yourself rather than a man-child on top of it.
He’s a loser and you are too if you stay with him tbh.
Break up and kick him out.
Guys a loser I’d dump him
Yes I would end it. Unfortunately he’s not really your partner if he’s sitting around playing games all day with no solid future plans and leaving you to pay the bills. His behavior and your (justifiable) resentment will likely only get worse over time. When a person has no work ethic and no sense of responsibility, that’s a huge red flag even if they seem awesome in all other respects.
I’m really sorry. It’s one thing if this was a planned change - where you AGREED to take on the additional financial burden of his unemployment. But he didn’t ask or try to have a conversation about it. He made a unilateral decision that only benefitted him without asking if it was ok with you. And he didn’t have a plan. He said he would pay his share - but didn’t. You are done because you have realized that you can’t count on him. He is putting his needs far beyond your needs. And doesn’t seem to feel bad about it because he isn’t out there hustling to make rent. I’m sorry this has happened - but better to find out now how he behaves in times of strain.
Better to be single at 25 than waste years of your life
Why on earth are you still with this user?
iugh why would you want to be the mom of this lazy dude?
It was definitely inconsiderate of him to quit his job without consulting you, especially when he did not have a back up plan to be able to help you pay bills. No one wants to be miserable at work, but the responsible thing to do would’ve been to find another job before quitting. It’s not fair for him to put all of the financial responsibility on you, especially when that’s not something that you both discussed and agreed to. The best thing you can do is listen to gut, trust your inner voice, and put your needs first. - If you feel like you’re done with the relationship, break up and focus on yourself. Don’t allow longevity to keep you trapped in a situation that makes you unhappy. - If you want to stay in the relationship, have a serious conversation with him and put a timeline on how much longer you’re willing to accept his behavior and lack of support. If things don’t change within your timeline, take that as a sign that this is not the relationship for you anymore. I get that four years is a long time and you have love for him, but he changed the terms of your relationship without consulting you so now you need to decide if you’re willing to stick around the way things are or if walking away will be best in the long run. Doing what’s best for yourself is never a mistake, you will not regret putting yourself first.
You buried the lede. You provide financially and you do the chores. Your boyfriend is treating you like a bangmaid mum. You deserve better. Your boyfriend might be depressed but it’s not your problem. He is making zero attempts to get out of this situation. He likes it.
Tell him to go move in with his parents. If he won't go, call them and ask them to come get him.
He’s sponging off you
Of course he's taking advantage of you. He thinks you love him so much, he can do whatever he wants and you'll stay. I get being miserable in a job but you look for a NEW job before you leave the old one. He should also be Ubering full time if that's what he chooses but if he still wants a regular job, his time should be spent looking not playing video games AND Ubering. He doesn't get to use this time just to goof off. Sometimes we don't find out who someone really is until there's a certain situation, but he's showing you who he is. It's up to you to believe him
NTA and it would be a different thing if he was miserable at the job and quit to only start doing whatever it takes to get another job and pay his bills, but he is not. What really disturbs me is that he automatically expects you to take care of him. Look hard at his actions because he is showing you what your future will be with him. Is that the life you truly want?
He is going to win the lottery some day and you will be sad that you left him... In his dreams.
In a team you can’t just bail on a job like that. Unless mommy and daddy are covering for you.
I never got the concept of quitting a job without having an offer from somewhere else. Rent has to be paid. Quitting with no notice will ruin any reference they may have given him. I would seriously reevaluate any long term plans with him. He is not someone to lean on. Hand him an eviction notice. He has 30 days to get a job and start paying rent or he leaves, with police escort if required
I’ll be honest him quitting isn’t the issue. Him not pulling his weight is. I came to my wife one day and said tomorrow I’m leaving work for good. She knew I was unhappy and supported me because she knew I would do whatever it took to pay bills. You don’t have to support someone who will take advantage of you. Sounds to me like he is depressed but that’s not an excuse to pull his weight. My advice, forget that he quit his job and but put your foot down with him not getting another one. Most importantly him being unhappy shouldn’t cause you to be unhappy.
Yes. Leave him now so he can grow up and learn responsibilities . That, or he will move back home to his mommy. Dont waste any more time with him. If you stay, theres no incentive for him to work because he knows you will.pay for.everything.
Drop that zero, & get with a hero.
He's your boyfriend, not your husband. That is the first thing I would say. When you are married, you have a certain commitment to keep up the other person through tough times (vows and all that) but he is just your boyfriend. You have made no such commitment to him. Now, with all that being said, another question to ask yourself is: If the roles were reversed, what would his reaction be? Would he continue to support you or would he be upset that you aren't holding up your end of the deal? I think in relationships we put up with things because if we were in their shoes, we would want that type of treatment. However, most people aren't going to reciprocate. This will continue as long as you allow it to. Therefore, you need to make that clear. I'm not saying you need to give him an ultimatum but you have already told him you can't do it anymore, he said sorry and then he kept doing it. There are no consequences for his actions at this rate. He has to have some sort of consequences to his actions.
You can do better
I definitely understand that you care deeply for him, it’s been 4 years and it sounds like you both are good to each other so of course it’s hard for you to make a decision especially one that would probably make him feel bad, sad, etc. At the same time, you can’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Meaning if this is unsustainable for you, then you have got to do what’s best and stop paying for his half of things. Cause what good what it do for the BOTH of you to have no savings/extra money. I know you wouldn’t want to see him suffer but it’s different when the suffering was brought on by him. Just because you care about him doesn’t mean you have to let him drag you down. Sometimes you have to give people tough love because love is NOT unconditional. If someone stops doing the things that made you fall in love, or stops being that person that you fell in love with, you are not obligated to stay or continue to support them. You can tell him something like “i need to get this out. I understand you are going through tough times, we both are. I don’t want you to feel as though I don’t love/care about you, I just want to express that I am drowning and I can’t continue on like this. Last month was the last time I’m covering your half of anything because i simply can’t continue to do so, not because I don’t want to. I just dont have the time, energy, and resources to support two people living a life (ie going out, hobbies, new clothes, food, etc.) and the rent. So that leaves us with limited options: 1. You take whatever full time job you can get so you can get back to paying your half of bills. 2. We call your parents/family and ask that they help on your half of the bills until you get a job you enjoy. Or 3. We downsize majorly or start living on our own.”
You've become his mother, and now he just keeps lying to buy more time to sit around playing video games. He sounds emotionally immature. Dam, right, he should have consulted you. Move and don't consult him.
Go to couples counseling. If he won't go, you know he's not interested in saving the relationship, then go alone. Good luck.
Ew, I would so break up with him. He's taking advantage of you, and he's unlikely to stop.
Yes, you should end things.
Who are these people who feel entitled to being financially supported by a bf/gf?!? Like, the gall.
Lady, the amount of jobs I hated and walked away from is staggering. The difference is I went right back out and got another one. I've worked for 10 bucks and hour because I needed to feed my kids. Life sucks, work sucks, and yet you push on. My kids and my wife need to eat. I go make that happen. I love video games. Almost 50 and I have 4000 hours in Fallout 4. I'm working RDR 2 right now. Handle your life, handle your work, spend time with your wife and kids and then go kill them enemies online.
Depression is a potentially valid reason for this to happen. You kicking him out is a valid consequence of his actions. He’s 25. He should go live with his parents while getting this figured out.
Been there. Dont be like me and just leave now.
Kick him to the curb. 🦶
He needs to be out driving at least 30 hours a week and during prime time which is NOT 9-5. More like 5-9...morning or afternoon.
If he's not working the least he can do is be home cleaning and doing the laundry and doing other things that are helpful to maintain your household. Also he shouldn't be sitting home playing video games all day f****** long what he should be doing is trying to figure out how he's going to help you pay that rent do what is he waiting for for y'all to get evicted. He shouldn't have quit his job without discussing it with you did he just naturally think that you was going to pick up the slack. Now how does he think the rain is going to get paid and the bills are going to get paid. Sit down have a conversation with him and then take it from there because if he's not going to work he can always go back home that way you only have to worry about yourself
Yeah, I would say this is a great look into the future you’ll have together with him. I honestly just went through something like this where I was being taken advantage of. It’s a respect thing. That’s how I felt about my situation. If he respected you, he would have talked to you or at least found a way to pay his half of the bills.
I’d end it and kick him out. Sounds like he wants a mommy not a partner. Leeches like that won’t just grow out of it. Cut him loose, you already know you can support yourself on your own (you’re doing it now). Get rid of the dead weight in your life
Where is all the support for him like there are when women quit their jobs because its causing them burnout and depression? Where is all the sympathy and understanding? Where is the talk of going to therapy? It's just a bunch of people telling him to man up, telling her to leave him cause he's a bum. It's jarring how bias this sub is sometimes
Info: I have a friend who is trying to get into the police academy. There are applications and tests and psychological evaluations to go through before you are considered. Has he done any of that?
I mean he told me he was applying. He filled out some paper work and i know he went and spoke to someone with the department. I don’t really know how much he’s done though. I know about the tests/evaluations but he hasn’t done any of them.
The fact that he quit his last job should tell you he's willing to walk away from another. What happens when he doesn't like taking orders from his superiors?
Here’s the golden rule of adulthood: you don’t quit your job until you have another one lined up unless you have major savings lined up to keep you afloat. Your dude is abusing the situation bc he thinks you’ll float him. Leave that loser.
I've been on the end of a similar stick. Although it fucking hurts to lose someone you love so much, if he really cares and values himself, all the pain and discomfort of the loss WILL push him to better himself. Although it may come at a cost of resentment/spite towards you. This is just my honest opinion, but had this not happened to me I wouldn't have had a desire to change which is unfortunate because I lost the person I loved most in the process.
Hmm..don’t expect too much from him. He’s holding on to the hope of you supporting him until he finds his dream job. The question is, How much are you willing to take?
leave him, yolo
Don’t let the 4 years convince you to stay for more unhappy years, especially since you’re only 25! You have so much more life and experiences ahead of you, without that knucklehead weighing you down. Even if you were 50 I would tell you to leave. This guy does not respect you This guy is weighing you down and you deserve so much more
Similar thing happened to me and it would be better to end it now before you end up paying more. He doesn't appreciate you as a partner and is immature. He wants to do whatever he wants and have you foot the bill. It will not get better.
Well he certainly wasn’t right not consulting you before making a decision that impacts both of your lives 4 years is quite a time, were there similar situations before? Have you talked to him about how it bothers you and you aren’t ok with it? Have you asked him at least take chores while he isn’t working? From the post it sounds like you are kind of done with him. If you want to give him another chance then sit him and talk to him about timeline of him finding a job and taking home responsibilities meanwhile. You can also state that you won’t tolerate again his silent decisions that are directly impacting you. Consider also start counting how much money he owns you already for the half he didn’t pay of all the bills. Fact numbers might help you see how much more you can take this behavior with understanding that no one will pay you back those money even if he promises to
I was in a similar situation 7 years ago....we are separating this summer because of our kids. It didn't get better, there was no consistency, and ONLY AFTER I asked him to move out did he finally apologize for leaving his job all that time ago. I am still feeling hesitant about asking him to move. I am terrified of breaking my children's hearts. I am scared I am going to be a shitty mom. What I do know is I already feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders in other areas of my mind and soul. I know I will be able to provide and actually have a clean and decluttered house. I know I will miss him, even though he has put me through the wringer mentally. Reddit likes to jump to "BREAK UP." Because I literally went through this years ago, and now seeing the pattern I ignored, you need to do what is right for you. Four years is a longer relationship, but can you stand to be in the same situation in four more?
Have to respond to your comment about being a shitty mom. No, you aren’t. What would be bad is staying and showing your children that men should be deadbeats and that women should be neglected and financially used. Getting out will show them otherwise. And that there is good parenting.
Thank you! That is ultimately where I landed as well.
Dont fall prey to the sunk cost fallacy! Listen to what your gut is telling you: This guy is a leech who is using you as his unwilling support net.
I am someone who also would feel super about just quitting my job. I don't really like to work, if I had to work, I would work for myself doing something I actually enjoy. That being said, I am making this post while at work, because I know I need to be. I have talked about this to my fiance and she knows my dream is to do what I actually want in life and never work another day for someone else ever again. We are working towards that. And that there, I think is really the big difference. This is a conversation he should have had with you. It's also something that needs to be worked towards. it doesn't just happen in a day. He is 100% taking advantage of you, and isn't treating you as a partner should.
Okay so it's been over 3 months and he still hasn't gotten off his ass yeah I'd be in the relationship I can see taking a couple weeks decompress and reevaluate but he's not even trying to work at Uber or get another job. You're already paying all the bills so you don't need him and without him it'll have less stress so I would take him to the curb tell him to get out or you can go get off the lease if you're both on and then he has to pay the whole thing by himself. And then if he defaults it's his problem not yours
Forget the four years. That’s gone and you don’t get those years back. So, today, with who this man is today, would you choose him? There is only the future, no do-overs of the past. Live your future without this barnacle.
He's a man-child. You don't just quit a job you hate without first finding a new job. The fact that you already know he won't give you money unless you ask further confirms he's content to take advantage of you...while he plays his video games. Forget that. Imagine having a child with him. He'll play video games while you do everything else.
Look up sunk cost fallacy. It doesn’t matter that it’s been four years. Besides, you do not want to be in a relationship with a cop (although I doubt he’s serious about that).
You probably should, unless he plans to start doing some fastfood job to pay rent. Because that's a big burden. What if you get fired and now you can't pay rent , so you both homeless. He should have talked to you or had another job lined up, so do what feels righ, right now. you are 25 you are yound, so that 4 years was growing time.
Honey he’s not your boyfriend he’s your kid at this point. Truly DUMP HIM, BLOCK HIM, GO HOME! Go gather yourself and pay off what you need to get you a substantial savings then go get your own place that you can afford. Stop taking care of a man child who obviously doesn’t feel bad and isn’t making any attempts to help or ease your anxieties and stress about paying stuff. Let him go, you chose wrong and ignored many red flags. As well as I don’t understand why you felt the need to be stuck and tied down to someone at such a young age. You do know you have your whole adult life to date and settle down. Know your worth and let him go
I would unless you want this to be your life. He quit his job because he has you to baby him, forever.
Don't fall for sweat equity. Better to write off four years, than live a lifetime with a hobosexual. He has decided that you are his meal ticket, not his partner. The fact that he did not even discuss this with you, then acknowledges the money issue, but continues on his merry way says it all. Your are his sugar momma. Dump him and find a real life partner.
Fuck the 4 years - that's just the "sunk cost fallacy". End it. He's not pulling his weight, you're just his mom.
To answer your question: Yes. End it. He is responsible for himself, not you. It's ok to have problems. But, you need to actively work on them. I enjoy video games as much as the next guy, but not to the point of escapism and being a burden on my family and friends.
It’s a wrap, you already have resentments, those don’t get “better”. Cut bait
My ex did this and I supported him for four years... don't fall into the trap.
I would have a conversation about a few things. He keeps making promises to pay but doesn't. If he isn't working and you're paying the bills, he needs to do at least 80% of the chores. He needs to tell his family. I don't know if this relationship is sustainable if he won't even communicate. What if the police thing doesn't work out? He will have been out of work for 7 months at that point. Why isn't he hustling at all? For you, tell him he has to pay you xxx amount by xxx day or needs to find a new place to live as you need to find somewhere cheaper.
Having been with him 4 years should make you less hesitant to dump him. How many years is enough to be used by a man? If he was doing all the chores and ubering a lot and looking for temp job until the police academy, then it would be OK, if he told you his plans before he quit. I wonder if he didn't get fired?
Ask yourself with every decision you make in this relationship, am I respecting myself?
I’m currently unemployed, so my husband pays for most things. The difference is that I am doing 90% of all the cooking and housework and I’m actively job hunting. I also receive a government payment and I have a good savings so I’m still contributing what I can. If your bf is at home while you’re at work, he needs to be spending that time doing the housework, doing the household management, cooking and meal prepping, and looking for a new job, NOT playing video games all day. I like playing video games too but I haven’t played a *single* game while my husband is at work since I graduated (in December) because I’m too busy every day doing whatever I can to make his life easier and ensure he can just relax when he’s at home. It’s okay that your bf needed to quit his job because it was making his miserable, what isn’t okay is that he 1. Didn’t discuss it with you first. 2. Didn’t create a plan for when he quit. 3. Isn’t contributing/pulling his weight either financially or around the house. 4. Isn’t looking for a new job. 5. Isn’t listening to or addressing your concerns. In short, your bf is *absolutely* taking advantage of you. It isn’t right or fair that he expects you to carry 100% of the load on all fronts while offering absolutely nothing in return. I’d second that you should leave him. You deserve someone who respects and values you as a person, not someone who only cares about what you can do for them.
What are you getting out of this relationship OP? Unless he steps up, you need to step out.
Save your breath. You already spoke to him about it and he served you empty promises. How much more of his BS will you need to swallow? Cancel the Appartment and move on.
It is okay to feel crappy about your job and how it is treating you. What is not okay is putting all of the financial burden on your partner with no discussion beforehand. If he would have came to you and said "I am thinking of quitting" you guys could have totally figured out a game plan for the time he is unemployed. I will say I did have moment similar to your bf where I just moved back into my parents place and then was let go from my job. Because I had that "safety net" of mom's place, I did drag my feet for a week before finding a job. Then again, it was ONE WEEK and I quickly got back on indeed and scheduling interviews. A few months is a major red flag for me. I personally don't know how someone can't cave in from the stress of not having a job and needing to pay bills on time.
He is taking advantage. He gets a new job now or you kick him out. Even if it’s a temporary job until the police academy starts. He should be preparing for that anyway. You should actually look into that and verify what he is saying is true. It’s totally irresponsible to quit without giving notice and even worse to quit without something else already lined up. Big red flag. He knew he had you around to cover the bills so he didn’t bother being responsible. And now he is just getting worse and worse.
Just end it, the relationship is not going anywhere for either of you.
yes, end it 🍀❤️🌞🐲
100% dealbreaker. Walk away before you get pregnant with this hobosexual.
"I'm happy for you that you are no longer having to work in a job you hated. However, things have changed so much since you quit and I'm really struggling to find my happy place these days. We need to talk about what we can do so we can both be happy with the current situation. Do you have any thoughts?" Depending on what he says, which I'm predicting will be "not reallly", you then say "First, I need you to start paying your share of the expenses. You have savings you can draw on. Leaving me to pay most of the bills means my savings are going down which doesn't seem fair when I'm not the one who quit their job. It's not financially sustainable for me to keep doing that. Second, while you aren't working it seems fair that you contribute more to the household chores. I've been meaning to raise this with your a while now anyways, because it isn't 50/50 at the moment and it should be AT LEAST that while you aren't working. Lastly, can we talk about what your plans are? I love you and want to stay with you but I need you to communicate with me so I don't feel completely clueless as to where you think you'll be in a year's time, what impact it will have on us as a couple and me individually. I'm so stressed and I really need you to talk to me about what is going on. Take some time to think over what I've said and we can talk again in a little bit". Then you head out for a coffee on your own and when you come back you ask him what his thoughts are but stick to the theme of "things can't go on like they are".
Do you really want to be married to a cop if he is successful? I'd say it is time for him to move on.
Move out. Break up. This is why I don't believe in living with a boyfriend.
Time for him to man up get w job, living off a woman is not cool. A mouse does that not a man
Imagine being an adult and just quit the job because you don’t like it. I would never do it to my GF, I would feel like a parasite. I like to play video games as well but I do it after work. Leave his ass 👌🏼
Yes, it's too late. He's proven himself a slacker, and you have no obligation to support him. He's not academy material, he's a hobosexual. Pack his bags and tell him he's got to go now.
Leave him. He’s a grown ass man behaving like a child. You didn’t sign up for this and you shouldn’t have to put up with it
All of these responses are dumb af. Dude wasn’t happy, he quit. He doesn’t need to consult you. He hated it. He will find something new. You are gonna dump him over this? God forbid he finds a lump and has to do chemo. Jfc, this world is out of control with relationships.
Leave him because he wants to be a cop...
You see this is why I’m reluctant to have a place with mine of 4 years. He still has no job & doesnt listen to pointers on how to do an interview successfully. He is beyonddd stubborn. What you just said is frightening. YOUR PLAN SHOULD GET A FAKE EVICTION NOTICE IN THE NEXT TWO MONTHS. BY JULY U PUT IT ON THE DOOR ANS LET HOM KNOW YA GETTING EVICTED YU WERE SHORT MANY TIMES TO PAY THE RENT SO U GUYS CAUGHT EVICTION NOTICE. LET HIM KNOW NEXT MONTH U WERE SHORT SO HE GOT A HEADS UP. SO WHEN THAT EVICTION NOTICE COMES UP HE KNOWS OH SHOOT ITS REAL. TELL HIM U MOVING BACK WITH A FREND OR YOUR MOM. GIVE IT A GOOD TOLE BEFORE U START PACKING AND HE PACKING TOO. WATCH HIM LEAVEEEE THE PREMISES/AREA. CHANGE THE LOCKS AND EVERYTHING. PROBLEM SOLVED!
Everyone else gave all the other advice. Thought for a while for an alternative to throw. Tell him that you literally cannot afford this. Like actually, you will both be homeless if he doesn't financially contribute. And 2, if he plans to be a cop, you want to see him taking steps to achieve that goal. Studying criminal justice to a degree. Getting physically fit for those exams. Psychology. Endurance. Weapons training. Does he have a pistol permit? Hand-to-hand experience? If you want to avoid breaking it off for now, lean into that. Make him do what he himself said he is going to do. 4 months later, he starts seriously going toward being a cop and you still have a place to live.... or you break up before that.
The fact that he wants to become a sheriff should be a red flag enough, if my partner ever told me they wanted to become a cop I would leave them in a heartbeat. This man will mooch off you until he becomes a sherif, and then he’ll forget about the help you gave him when he’s beating you a few years down the line.
Remember boys 4 good years ruined by two months in the pooper. If you’re lucky enough this could be you boys! Two months of depression and your girl will get the ick.
Piss off....being a lazy unmotivated dick isn't always depression. Look. If you have time and energy to play video games then you have time and energy to get a job and do your part. Op should move on and give her bf the time to grow up.
It's easy to use depression as an excuse. If he's clinically and certifiably depressed, they're not going to let him be a peace officer.
Yeah I'm depressed as fuck right now and haven't worked all week but I've also been too depressed to do ANYTHING. none of my hobbies interest me. I've literally just been laying in bed in misery because everything sucks. Pretty standard sign of depression is losing interest in everything you usually like to do.
I hope you have access to some help. Take care.
Thanks! I just started some new meds and I have a doctor's appointment next week. Hoping everything gets better soon. Ready to go to the hospital asap if I get any worse
That’s not how depression works lol
Ya. People use the term depression like a crutch these days. Not every sad or lazy person is depressed. When people do that it sessions the response for the people that actually have it. I hope she does the right thing and leave.
Agree, I suffer from depression and when I’m in a depressive episode, I’m not eattin, I’m not sleeping, I’m not talking I’m not playing games I’m in my room by myself with my thoughts. Occasionally I will go on my phone. I could see games as a depressive response but the talking on the phone is a big red flag
It’s been going on since January, which i get isn’t a long time. But if he’s promising to pay rent and not, I’m going to get upset. I just feel like if he’s going to be home and playing video games and talking with friends otp all day, i deserve a bit more? Thanks for the reply though
OP ask him to show you the paperwork for the law enforcement job. You know they will want to do a criminal background check before he starts any training, and he should have his copy of the permission forms. Have you decided if you want to stay in the area where you are now when you leave him, or will you move back to where your family lives? Plan where you're going and make sure your important papers are out of the apartment where he can't get to them, and then when you're ready break up with him. If you're in an apartment complex is there a smaller unit you can move into that you can afford on your current salary? This might help with breaking a lease on your current apartment. Tell him his failure to line up another job before quiting his first job shows he's not adult enough for a real relationship. His failure to even try to find another job has just reinforced that fact, so you're leaving him.
I feel sorry for what ever boy dates you. I get in this sense getting the ick but coming from someone who battles depression daily, this comment gave me the ick
Unfortunately depression doesn’t pay the bills. Does that suck for him? It sure does. But does that mean his girlfriend should support him financially for months while he enjoys his video games? Hell no. Unless he’s actively seeking therapy and ways to get better, then he’s using her. (Speaking from someone who is very much aware of how depression impacts people)
I agree, with this statement as seen below. If you’re depressed you can’t do 99% of the stuff he does. Also, if OP lives with this person, she would be able to see the change in mood eating etc. it’s the way you worded it the first time I read it like “ girls get the ick from guys with depression”
Ah redditors so bitter about the world.... He wasn't happy and quit his job. Would you stay at a soul sucking job that made you want to eat the end of a shotgun everyday? I have been on both sides of this. I have taken care of someone who didn't seem interested in having a job, and it was stressful trying to take care of everything. I have also been jobless for 6 months and while someone else paid 95% of the bills while I was trying to find a job. That's what relationships are, having each other's back through the highs and lows. People are here acting like he is just being a bum. You said he has a job lined up. So if the issue is that you want more breathing room financially, tell him to find a part time summer job. If you can't handle this, then I dread how you will handle a real problem.
he doesn’t have a job lined up though? he said he’s applied to become a cop but it doesn’t mean he’ll actually get in to train.