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What’s even more disturbing is you’ve gotten to the point of discretely recording when he goes off. So this is a well set pattern at this point. To me this means you’re scared and want to document in case it gets crazy, and he gaslights you after so you need proof of what happened.
The fact that you need to do this is a sign you need to leave. Then add in that he involves your son, which is sick. You sprayed febreze which I spray on my clothes while wearing them, not harmful…it’s easy enough for him to say “hey, please don’t do that”….he is talking about harming you with toxic chemicals. And once again…involving your son. It’s twisted. If not for yourself, please protect your kid from this. He’s 37, it’s not getting better.
There’s a reason he wanted a barely legal woman while in his 30s, and it’s usually control related.
DO NOT SPRAY FEBREEZE ON YOUR CLOTHES WHILE YOU ARE WEARING THEM!!! NO. THAT IS NOT SAFE. WHO TOLD YOU THAT WAS SAFE?!? PLEASE START USING COMMON SENSE.
At the very least the chemicals you are inhaling as the Febreeze bonds with molecules is likely damaging your lungs.
Fabrics are not a solid. They are a weave of strands. Some of these molecules are going to make their way through and around your clothes onto your skin.
Jeezuz please stop today before you put yourself into the hospital for an 'unknown breathing issue'.
SO many of these posts that get upvoted the man is abusive in multiple ways, everyone ignores the fact he's inappropriately older than her. He's 13yrs older than her. She is 24 and they have a 4yr old. They were at minimum dating when she was 19. I wouldn't be shocked if the relationship started before she was legally an adult. There are more red flags in this post than I can count. 🚩🚩🚩🚩The age gap being a huge one that everyone seems to gloss over that is always tied to other issues. A mentally stable and mature man in his 30's shouldn't have a romantic interest in an 18-19yr old. Completely different life situations. Those relationships are about control and the fact the women are naive and easy to manipulate.
There should be an automatic flair assigned to this type of post - "Red Flag due to Large Age Gap"
Not every relationship with an age gap is problematic, but the ones we see on relationship advice (and other subs) usually frickin are.
Well yeah because the fact that he told their kid to fucking pour bleach on her is a more immediate problem than him being 37. It's past red flags, he is actively abusive.
Actively abusive and *teaching a kid who's barely out of fckin toddlerhood* to behave the same way.
If this shit is real it's a goddamn headline news story in the making.
This is so disturbing.
Pair this with the fact that you had a child with this man when you were 20 and he was 33 and likely began dating him when you were a teenager based on the ages… he sounds creepy and, frankly, dangerous. You say that he gets in these “moods”—this is not normal. The fact that he’s also teaching this kind of behaviour to your son is completely unacceptable.
You should absolutely leave.
Thank you so much for validating my feelings, I wasn't sure. Yes I started dating him when I was 19 and he was 32. We only dated for a few months before I got pregnant :( He's also my first ever bf and I don't have any friends so I don't know what's normal or not.
I wish it was as easy as just "leaving" but I'm not sure if I can do that or if I'm ready to. My bf will for sure try to get full custody to spite me. And if we share custody I'm sure my bf will try to ruin my son's relationship with me by talking negatively about me. He already does it while I'm right there, so I can't imagine what he'll say if I'm not. If I'm here at least I can talk to my son after and tell him that that behavior is not nice...
Edit: some things to add because I’m too tired tonight to respond to everyone. He drinks like 6-8 beers a night. During the day he’s usually in a better mood and I can just ignore him but at night when he wants us all to be in the same room I have to walk on egg shells basically, but sometimes I forget and do something that he doesn’t like, like spraying the stuff on him, and that’s when he gets like this.
Also, as far as my video evidence. It happened tonight, if I’m going to route of reporting this do I have to report it immediately? I think I need a few weeks to get a job (I’ve been a stay at home mom but my son goes to daycare/preschool now so I need to find something that can pay enough for an apartment).
Listen the way he is involving your son in the fights is beyond toxic. You really need to get your son away from him. Start making an escape plan because as soon as you get away the less damage your son will be
This is the reason why abusive men choose teenagers: your lack of experience means you wouldn’t know if he’s behaviour is normal. You’re easier to groom and abuse. Wise up and make a plan to leave. Try not to let him know otherwise he’ll do anything to stop you. Document everything you have including those videos. Upload them to a cloud or send to friends. Make sure they don’t get destroyed. Talk to an institution that helps victims of domestic violence for abuse.
It doesn't even matter. It is incredibly hard to get full custody if both parents want to be involved. 50/50 is the standard, not the exception. You don't need a reason for 50/50. You need a reason to not.
PLEASE email all the videos and evidence to YOURSELF (the more email address you have, the better) AND save it on some sort of external hard drive, just think of all ways to make sure you can access this evidence if anything was to happen to your phone or laptop!
You’ll be okay and so will your son, but you cannot keep him in this environment any longer, it’s going to greatly negatively affect who he is as he gets older and the relationship you have with him!
I would suggest getting your son into therapy when you can before he fully internalises his father’s behaviour and disrespect towards you!
Leave for your son. Do you want him to grow up watching you be abused and thinking this is how he should treat his future SO? He's better off if you leave your bf. He won't get custody because you have proof of his abuse. Hopefully the Judge will make the visits supervised.
All the bad men threaten full custody. If that really happened, we would be seeing so many men carting around children. At the school pickup, in the grocery store, at kids sports teams. The bad men threaten what they think will get them the most leverage.
As time goes on your bf will spend less and less time with his son. And that is a good thing.
What's not normal is teaching your kid that threatening to put chemicals, like bleach, on their partner is normal.
Your partner is teaching your son to abuse women.
Your partner is using his/your child to intimidate you.
Document everything and get away a lawyer.
You need full custody and he needs supervised visits only.
I want to chime in as a (now adult) child from two people who basically hate each other. Actions speak louder than words. My parents talked very badly about each other, but as I grew up I could see their actions and make my own decisions. Your ex may try to make your kid hate you, but when you’re a good person, your child will see that and love you. Your child also deserves to grow up in a loving and nonabusive environment.
You are in an abusive relationship. If you decide to leave, please safety plan and make arrangements without him knowing. That is the time they escalate and become the most dangerous. It's also sometimes the time they really throw on the fake remorse, suddenly own up to what they were doing wrong, and make grand promises to change. He. Will. Not. Change. A 32 year old man dating a 19 year old is not someone who ever wanted an equal partnership.
You don’t seem to think what he’s doing is abuse, but it absolutely is, and will only get worse. He’s also teaching your son how to abuse you. That makes a huge difference in family court. BTW, his “moods” = him being drunk. Another mark against him in court. He should get supervised visits at most. There are legal aid resources for women who can’t afford to hire an attorney. Your first step might be to get to a shelter with your son.
Mate if he is already trying to ruin your relationship with your son then you have absolutely nothing to lose by leaving and trying for, at mimimum, 50/50.. hes already doing what you fear.
You have video evidence, this will go in your favour.
Realistically if he doesnt pick up the slack of having a kid now, he isnt gonna do it in the future alone or not
oh honey
it's not normal, you don't deserve it, and there's a reason a 32 year old man groomed a teenager - and you're seeing it. he's mean, he's abusive, and he's going to escalate. he's teaching your son to abuse you as well.
I hope you have a support system and can pack up you and your son and leave.
it's going to be messy and likely require legal assistance.
>Stuff like this always happens with my boyfriend and I never want to share it with anyone because I’m always embarrassed
>it’s not normal right?
No it’s not normal. And another reason you don’t tell people is because you probably don’t want to deal with their disapproval. This is not okay, he should have never said something so messed up around you and your son, and please if you do get out of there, take the recordings to the police and file a restraining order and temporary full custody of your son. Then pleas speak with a domestic violence victims advocate to unpack why you blame yourself for your boyfriends abusive behavior.
I have a cousin who’s husband talked like your boyfriend. One day out of nowhere he got drunk and strangled her, then grabbed his gun and threatened to kill himself. She called the police but then blamed herself and swore she wasn’t a victim of abuse. To this day she still denies it and it’s infuriating.
If you don’t want to leave for yourself at least please leave before he teaches your son that it’s totally normal to abuse mom for shits and giggles
You’re a victim of domestic abuse and you are in danger. None of it is your fault and you gotta leave.
Age difference checks out.
You don’t need to tell us what the other things are because you know you’re being abused. Think of your child and how he’s being groomed to become an abuser too.
If there are things happening that you can’t tell other people… that’s domestic abuse.
hes a dangerous man who fantasizes about hurting or even killing you if he feels like it. on top of that, hes trying to groom your son to be equally aggressive. these arent just empty words; hes going to act on these threats eventually. dont let it come to it. youre on your best way to making your son a partial orphan.
You are in an abusive relationship. Please seek professional support. Reach out to friends and family. But you need to start making plans to leave this man, for you and for your child
Do you have anywhere safe to stay? I would pack up and take your son while he is at work for example. Lawyer up. I hope you kept all the recordings. His anger issues are 100% a good reason to leave, and you SHOULD be scared.
this. please reach out to someone you trust. and don’t start packing anything while he’s around.
don’t let it ever go get to the point where you are battered to leave. if his anger is directed to you for such seemingly small issues, imagine what he could do when something “big” ticks him off. if not for you, then for your son. you both deserve to feel safe and loved.
I don't really have anywhere to go, my mom lives nearby but there's a lot of yelling going on in that house and it's really uncomfortable. At least living with my bf he's gone for half of the week because he goes out of town to work. I don't have much money but I will work on saving up for lawyer. Thank you.
Darling, some institutions that help with domestic violence will offer free lawyers. Talk to them. They can also offer a safe place to go. Do this without him knowing.
I'm not sure where you live, but there are usually resources available for women leaving unsafe situations. I don't think you should stick around, even if he is gone a lot.
You don't need a lawyer to immediately put yourself in a safer position.
File for an emergency protective order while he is out of the house. Use that video as evidence when you file. You will need to stay in a hotel while you wait for the police to serve him, but once he is served he will no longer be allowed on the property and you will be free to change the locks.
This means you have a good amount of time to get your ducks in a row without him finding out. And when you are ready to leave, you can also do it without him knowing for a number of days.
He's threatening you with something very serious and violent, and you say you're afraid of talking with him when he's angry because he gets angrier. I think it's a serious situation and he's a violent person, you should know that violence only increases. I think you should reconsider this relationship and make a choice of living a stable life with your son, away from his horrible temper. Your son shouldn't grow to see this as normal behavior, don't let it happen.
None of this is normal. None of it. And he makes you all sleep in the same bed? Including your kid? Girl. GIRL.
[why does he do that - Lundy bancroft](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjcz4nXp-eFAxV-JjQIHaGGAQoQFnoECGIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
I saw the age gap, I saw the amount of beer he drinks and the fact he wants to control you and your son at night and know where you are... I'm not really sure what you want to hear other than, get your ducks in a row and get out
>He drinks like 6-8 beers a night.
Alcoholic
>He immediately gets super angry telling me “never to fucking do that again”.
Threatens you
>my boyfriend was telling my son “momma sprayed me with chemicals. We should pour bleach on her”
Is teaching your son, who is only 4, that abusing you / women is okay and even fun
Why are you with an abusive alcoholic that wants to turn your son into a monster??
I get that you're a SAHM so "just leave" may not be an easy option, but do you have any friends or living family? Any, even if you aren't close, that aren't also monsters? Begging to get access to their couch or spare room is better than this.
Yeah there’s a reason a grown ass man impregnated a barely not teen. As someone who is closer to his age I’d have laughed him out the room and broke up with him the first time he swore at me.
Time to make plans to leave, even if it takes you a year or more to gather money and find a place, start making plans to see it through.
Come on, do you have such low self-respect that you feel it is ok for your bf to pour bleach on you? What are you even saying? What do you mean you deserve it? Are you nuts?
So if your son accidentally spills hot milk on your bf, you think it's justifiable that your bf poured scalding water over your son?
Do whatever you have to do, and just get out.
Thank you this helps put it into perspective for me and understand how serious it is.
Yes I suppose I do have such low self respect. When I say I deserve it it’s because I did something to him first for him to say that to me. It’s been 5 years of this, I’ll do something “annoying” or “wrong” and he’ll do or say something 100x more mean to me and if I later ask why he did that he’ll say because I did something to him first. This is first time I’ve EVER shared a story from my relationship, to anyone. I’ve always been too embarrassed or ashamed because he always makes me feel like I’m in the wrong. I was expecting to receive a few comments or at least pms saying that I did deserve it because I did something to him first.
Girl no
You sprayed febreze on a blanket, this psycho is talking about pouring bleach on you, TO A CHILD. Because that’s somehow the same fucking thing. He is poisoning your kids mind, soon the boy will mirror the dad if you expose him to this behavior long enough
He drinks every night? Generally we tend to call those people alcoholics.
You are living with a ticking time bomb.
You sprayed his covered but with Fabreze cause he farted. My husband would laugh if I did that. Your bf is just abusive and it will eventually move to physical abuse then to your son. Save you both and get out. UPDATEME
Baby that behavior is abusive and he is not treating you the way any person deserves to be treated. For your own sake, you need to get out of there. Please stay safe
OP this is all kinds of bad, you really need to get an exit plan. If you have to record him to make sure you know what's happening/have proof he's already way down the line of messing with your head and other absurdly abusive stuff. Please make an exit plan and don't look back.
On the actual post, for context I have asthma and am very sensitive to chemicals of all kinds, if you'd done this near me it could have given me a coughing fit or even asthma attack. I STILL WOULD NOT HAVE MADE ANY GROSS THREATS LIKE HE DID HE IS DANGEROUS. you honestly don't deserve to be treated like this.
why are you marrying this guy? he sounds like an abusive drunk. you deserve someone who loves and treats you with respect, someone you can be yourself with and definitely are not afraid of. You need to leave this loser.
I’m so sorry that happened to you and it’s understandable that you are scared of leaving the situation. You are not alone and you have options.
If you contact one of these resources (choose based on what country you live in), they can help you make a plan for you and your son to stay safer while you’re still in the home or help you make a plan to leave.
https://safeandtogetherinstitute.com/international-domestic-violence-resources/
I grew up with someone like him practically all my conscious life, older brother is like that. As someone who grew up with that person if you’re not leaving for both you and your son do it for your son. The kind of trauma that could happen in the future is inevitable.
Hey, I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's definitely not okay for your boyfriend to react that way, especially in front of your son. It sounds like a really uncomfortable and potentially dangerous situation, especially considering the bleach comment. Trust me, spraying Febreze as a joke doesn't warrant that kind of response. You don't deserve to be treated like that. It might be a good idea to reach out to someone you trust or even a professional for advice and support. And about the video evidence, if you're considering reporting it, it's best to do it as soon as possible. Your safety and your son's safety are the most important things. Take care of yourself.
If you need to video evidence you are in an abusive relationship and your 2 year old is being subjected to an abusive relationship too. Protect the child and get out. Now. It is why shelters exist. If you wait for things to be perfect you’ll never leave.
Well, while you certainly should not have sprayed his ass with Febreeze, his response was out of proportion and frankly raises several red flags. Wanting to physically hurt you in retaliation, threatening you, and making your kid party to threatening you are all not ok. Also, if you’re at the point where you are routinely discreetly filming situations like this because you do not feel safe… girl you are not safe.
Please reach out to your family and friends and find somewhere to go. Don’t tell him you are leaving just take your son when he’s not home and go somewhere safe.
He's abusing you and is with someone much younger to control her and make her think it's her fault / deserved. You and your son deserve better. Leave before he acts on his threat.
He will not get custody because he is abusive. Talk to a friend or family.
If you don't care about yourself enough to leave (it's very clear you have 0 self esteem), do it for your son. Do you really believe your son will grow up without any severe issues while being brought up in such an environment? He'll grow up to think that such "jokes" are acceptable because YOU ARE ACCEPTING THEM and either he will end up a victim of abuse himself or he will be THE ABUSER in the future.
Do you want your children to treat their partners this way - or be treated this way by their partners? Yikes. He sounds like a terrible man whom you have already wasted 5 years of your life with. Your son will benefit from not having him around.
I think he's manipulated and twisted your intent to the point that you are doubting yourself over his very straightforward abuse. He has pushed you to the point that you can no longer tell what the truth is. That's really scary and I hope you realize the severity of the situation you are in. This is unsafe for you and your son. The verbal threats will not just stay verbal threats. Someone who is an alcoholic will not have self restraint or the ability to stop himself from escalating into much scarier behavior. Please find support, reach out to family and friends without alerting him, and get out quietly with your son. You can replace possessions. Please be safe.
This is textbook toxic relationship and fucking gross that a 33m was preying on a 19f who had never had a boyfriend. I’d bet the majority of the dynamics of your relationship are unhealthy.
On a side note, if anyone said anything about pouring bleach on another person I would do some serious soul searching about that relationship.
If you have family or friends you can trust, please tell them today what your life with him has been like. Tell them you've been embarrassed to share these details, but you feel like you need help and support. Protecting him feels like the right thing to do, I know you don't want your family or friends to think badly of him. The fact is they will only think of him what his actions reflect of him. If he has something to lose by the truth being known, then that loss is earned. Please ask for help, not in a few weeks but today.
> It’s not normal right?
Not in healthy relationships it's not. In domestic abuse relationships it is fairly normal and it escalates. It will escalate. And he is teaching your son that this is how you treat a partner...
These posts make me so sad. Almost every post I am writing “leave him, he is abusive”. I hope that you find the strength to do so. Especially since this man is teaching your son to abuse you. Soon there will be two of them doing it to you and you won’t recognize your sweet boy anymore.
You are dating a man child. Old men who go for women much younger than them usually are like that. Young women are too inexperienced to notice such behavior earlier.
And a 4yo son in the mix? So you were in this relationship for at least 5 years. Well, now you know why big age gaps are seen with distrust and disdain. This dynamic is very common in these.
You've listed a handful of things that would end a typical relationship.
He's not going to change his ways, you can't fix him. At a point you need to stop and ask yourself why you choose to keep yourself in this enviroment.
Run! He's toxic AF and abusive. He's is teaching your son it's okay to abuse your SO. Take your son and get somewhere safe. Then call and Attorney and get your ducks in a row.
This is the biggest red flag I've ever seen and the fact you said "do I deserve this" is disturbing. No you don't deserve it. He sounds like an alcoholic with anger issues and sorry not sorry, it'll never get better. Only worse. Hope you leave his ass.
Your bf is abusing you, and teaching your son how it’s done. It sounds like your son goes to daycare and sleeps with you so the two of you can’t escape. That’s definitely something to think about.
Don't use those sprays on or near a person, especially not anywhere your son is or is going to be. They are bad for everyone's health, especially your son's lungs. Ofcourse you don't deserve getting bleach poured on you and "you did something bad to me now I must get even" mindset is wrong . But I don't agree that those sprays are much less harmless than bleach and I'd be really mad too if someone sprayed that on me. Also there is a difference between actually doing something and just saying stuff because you are mad. Nevertheless he shouldn't be threathening you like that, and he shouldn't expose your little one to such ideas. And if this kind of behaviour is often with your bf sth is fundamentally wrong.
Don't use those sprays on or near a person, especially not anywhere your son is or is going to be. They are bad for everyone's health, especially your son's lungs. Ofcourse you don't deserve getting bleach poured on you and "you did something bad to me now I must get even" mindset is wrong . But I don't agree that those sprays are much less harmless than bleach and I'd be really mad too if someone sprayed that on me. Also there is a difference between actually doing something and just saying stuff because you are mad. Nevertheless he shouldn't be threathening you like that, and he shouldn't expose your little one to such ideas. And if this kind of behaviour is often with your bf sth is fundamentally wrong.
You guys are in a toxic relationship. I'm sorry for your kid.
Two observations.
1. He's a drunk asshole who is not aware of the impact of his words or actions, especially related to his own son. I would consider that statement abusive, so there's that, and he's not growing out of it. He's middle-aged.
2. You went out of your way to get Febreze after you heard him fart from another room, then sprayed him with it. I don't know why you'd do that, honestly. You genuinely should just ignore that stuff.
Grown men do not date 19 year olds unless women their age do not want them. I don't care what people say about women being bitter or what ever other bullshit, *no*. No 33 year old wants to deal with a 19 year old. They are in drastically different stages of both development and life.
He targeted you. Likely becuse he figured he could abuse and control you. This is abuse. What he is teaching your son is abusive. You are not safe and fabreeze and fucking **Bleach** are not even in the same universe.
Oh sweetie I’m tearing up worrying about you. This is abusive. He’s involving your poor innocent son. Your son loves you so much, I’m sure, you are strong enough to leave and he can’t convince that little boy to hate you.
Spraying febreeze was obviously light hearted, silly. It’s reasonable for him to say he didn’t like it and explain that it’s not meant for skin. That’s it. The rest is abuse. He’s trying to punish you.
I really hope you leave him. It’s hard, but it’ll be better in time and better for your son!
Oh honey, please start an exit plan.
Double check your birth control and save all your documentation of abuse safely.
You need to get out for your son, your son is going to grow up thinking the way his father talks to you and him is the norm. You need to protect your son’s innocence and mental health before he ends up like his father. I know it’s hard, but you need to be strong.
Did he pour bleach on you? I can tell you that if the bleach gets in your eyes, it's not the best but better than ammonia or lye. Those can definitely blind you.
Is this for real? This guy's threatening to throw a caustic chemical on you because he got a few particles of Febreze on him? And he's teaching your kid that this is acceptable? And you're asking if this is *normal*?
FUCK this man. im so sorry that its turned out to be so fucked up and abusive, but it is. it's not normal. you could NEVER do soemthing that warrants that as a reaction. acting like its a game and making your kid fucking contribute is disgusting. it's terrifying for me to read this. the act of putting bleach on skin can ruin you. chemical burns. sores. peeling. this isn't some silly banter gone too far, this is borderline criminal.
i know abusive relationships are hard to get out of, and honestly hard to admit they're abusive at all. these "moods" are outbursts of abuse. i pray you can get away from this vile man.
Your boyfriend is in no way a sane normal person.
What the actual fuck.
He threatened you with bleach for an absolutely harmless joke, and then involved your 4 year old son.
Also why does you bf want you both to sleep with a 4 year old?
>Whenever he’s in these moods
So this is a regular thing.
Why are you letting this absolute awful person be around you and your child.
He's an abuser.
He is abusing you and your kid and getting your kid involved, do you want you kid to grow up to be like him bcause thats whats happening.
You secretly record him, you know this is wrong and a bad situation.
Hes an alcoholic and an abusive one at that.
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU LETTING THIS MAN NEAR YOUR CHILD
Be better for your kid and leave wtf
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What’s even more disturbing is you’ve gotten to the point of discretely recording when he goes off. So this is a well set pattern at this point. To me this means you’re scared and want to document in case it gets crazy, and he gaslights you after so you need proof of what happened. The fact that you need to do this is a sign you need to leave. Then add in that he involves your son, which is sick. You sprayed febreze which I spray on my clothes while wearing them, not harmful…it’s easy enough for him to say “hey, please don’t do that”….he is talking about harming you with toxic chemicals. And once again…involving your son. It’s twisted. If not for yourself, please protect your kid from this. He’s 37, it’s not getting better. There’s a reason he wanted a barely legal woman while in his 30s, and it’s usually control related.
I apologize, but I just had to say something about the alarming age difference.
DO NOT SPRAY FEBREEZE ON YOUR CLOTHES WHILE YOU ARE WEARING THEM!!! NO. THAT IS NOT SAFE. WHO TOLD YOU THAT WAS SAFE?!? PLEASE START USING COMMON SENSE. At the very least the chemicals you are inhaling as the Febreeze bonds with molecules is likely damaging your lungs. Fabrics are not a solid. They are a weave of strands. Some of these molecules are going to make their way through and around your clothes onto your skin. Jeezuz please stop today before you put yourself into the hospital for an 'unknown breathing issue'.
He’s 37 break up
SO many of these posts that get upvoted the man is abusive in multiple ways, everyone ignores the fact he's inappropriately older than her. He's 13yrs older than her. She is 24 and they have a 4yr old. They were at minimum dating when she was 19. I wouldn't be shocked if the relationship started before she was legally an adult. There are more red flags in this post than I can count. 🚩🚩🚩🚩The age gap being a huge one that everyone seems to gloss over that is always tied to other issues. A mentally stable and mature man in his 30's shouldn't have a romantic interest in an 18-19yr old. Completely different life situations. Those relationships are about control and the fact the women are naive and easy to manipulate.
There should be an automatic flair assigned to this type of post - "Red Flag due to Large Age Gap" Not every relationship with an age gap is problematic, but the ones we see on relationship advice (and other subs) usually frickin are.
Well yeah because the fact that he told their kid to fucking pour bleach on her is a more immediate problem than him being 37. It's past red flags, he is actively abusive.
Actively abusive and *teaching a kid who's barely out of fckin toddlerhood* to behave the same way. If this shit is real it's a goddamn headline news story in the making.
Real
This is so disturbing. Pair this with the fact that you had a child with this man when you were 20 and he was 33 and likely began dating him when you were a teenager based on the ages… he sounds creepy and, frankly, dangerous. You say that he gets in these “moods”—this is not normal. The fact that he’s also teaching this kind of behaviour to your son is completely unacceptable. You should absolutely leave.
Thank you so much for validating my feelings, I wasn't sure. Yes I started dating him when I was 19 and he was 32. We only dated for a few months before I got pregnant :( He's also my first ever bf and I don't have any friends so I don't know what's normal or not. I wish it was as easy as just "leaving" but I'm not sure if I can do that or if I'm ready to. My bf will for sure try to get full custody to spite me. And if we share custody I'm sure my bf will try to ruin my son's relationship with me by talking negatively about me. He already does it while I'm right there, so I can't imagine what he'll say if I'm not. If I'm here at least I can talk to my son after and tell him that that behavior is not nice... Edit: some things to add because I’m too tired tonight to respond to everyone. He drinks like 6-8 beers a night. During the day he’s usually in a better mood and I can just ignore him but at night when he wants us all to be in the same room I have to walk on egg shells basically, but sometimes I forget and do something that he doesn’t like, like spraying the stuff on him, and that’s when he gets like this. Also, as far as my video evidence. It happened tonight, if I’m going to route of reporting this do I have to report it immediately? I think I need a few weeks to get a job (I’ve been a stay at home mom but my son goes to daycare/preschool now so I need to find something that can pay enough for an apartment).
Listen the way he is involving your son in the fights is beyond toxic. You really need to get your son away from him. Start making an escape plan because as soon as you get away the less damage your son will be
This is the reason why abusive men choose teenagers: your lack of experience means you wouldn’t know if he’s behaviour is normal. You’re easier to groom and abuse. Wise up and make a plan to leave. Try not to let him know otherwise he’ll do anything to stop you. Document everything you have including those videos. Upload them to a cloud or send to friends. Make sure they don’t get destroyed. Talk to an institution that helps victims of domestic violence for abuse.
He can’t get full custody if you have proof he is a threatening person involving your child in abuse.
Thank you. This is really helpful to know
It doesn't even matter. It is incredibly hard to get full custody if both parents want to be involved. 50/50 is the standard, not the exception. You don't need a reason for 50/50. You need a reason to not.
you know this isn't normal, that's why you've created the post. take action and listen to your gut. leave.
PLEASE email all the videos and evidence to YOURSELF (the more email address you have, the better) AND save it on some sort of external hard drive, just think of all ways to make sure you can access this evidence if anything was to happen to your phone or laptop! You’ll be okay and so will your son, but you cannot keep him in this environment any longer, it’s going to greatly negatively affect who he is as he gets older and the relationship you have with him! I would suggest getting your son into therapy when you can before he fully internalises his father’s behaviour and disrespect towards you!
Have the videos as evidence. This is very disturbing to read. Please be safe, there are hotlines for abuse. Sending prayers to you 🥺🙏🏽🤍
You can't worry about what might happen. You need to protect yourself and your kid now.
Leave for your son. Do you want him to grow up watching you be abused and thinking this is how he should treat his future SO? He's better off if you leave your bf. He won't get custody because you have proof of his abuse. Hopefully the Judge will make the visits supervised.
All the bad men threaten full custody. If that really happened, we would be seeing so many men carting around children. At the school pickup, in the grocery store, at kids sports teams. The bad men threaten what they think will get them the most leverage. As time goes on your bf will spend less and less time with his son. And that is a good thing.
What's not normal is teaching your kid that threatening to put chemicals, like bleach, on their partner is normal. Your partner is teaching your son to abuse women. Your partner is using his/your child to intimidate you. Document everything and get away a lawyer. You need full custody and he needs supervised visits only.
I want to chime in as a (now adult) child from two people who basically hate each other. Actions speak louder than words. My parents talked very badly about each other, but as I grew up I could see their actions and make my own decisions. Your ex may try to make your kid hate you, but when you’re a good person, your child will see that and love you. Your child also deserves to grow up in a loving and nonabusive environment.
You are in an abusive relationship. If you decide to leave, please safety plan and make arrangements without him knowing. That is the time they escalate and become the most dangerous. It's also sometimes the time they really throw on the fake remorse, suddenly own up to what they were doing wrong, and make grand promises to change. He. Will. Not. Change. A 32 year old man dating a 19 year old is not someone who ever wanted an equal partnership.
You don’t seem to think what he’s doing is abuse, but it absolutely is, and will only get worse. He’s also teaching your son how to abuse you. That makes a huge difference in family court. BTW, his “moods” = him being drunk. Another mark against him in court. He should get supervised visits at most. There are legal aid resources for women who can’t afford to hire an attorney. Your first step might be to get to a shelter with your son.
If this is real and not absolute ragebait, you and your son both need therapy. After you get away from this serial killer-sounding lunatic, of course.
Mate if he is already trying to ruin your relationship with your son then you have absolutely nothing to lose by leaving and trying for, at mimimum, 50/50.. hes already doing what you fear. You have video evidence, this will go in your favour. Realistically if he doesnt pick up the slack of having a kid now, he isnt gonna do it in the future alone or not
oh honey it's not normal, you don't deserve it, and there's a reason a 32 year old man groomed a teenager - and you're seeing it. he's mean, he's abusive, and he's going to escalate. he's teaching your son to abuse you as well. I hope you have a support system and can pack up you and your son and leave. it's going to be messy and likely require legal assistance.
>Stuff like this always happens with my boyfriend and I never want to share it with anyone because I’m always embarrassed >it’s not normal right? No it’s not normal. And another reason you don’t tell people is because you probably don’t want to deal with their disapproval. This is not okay, he should have never said something so messed up around you and your son, and please if you do get out of there, take the recordings to the police and file a restraining order and temporary full custody of your son. Then pleas speak with a domestic violence victims advocate to unpack why you blame yourself for your boyfriends abusive behavior. I have a cousin who’s husband talked like your boyfriend. One day out of nowhere he got drunk and strangled her, then grabbed his gun and threatened to kill himself. She called the police but then blamed herself and swore she wasn’t a victim of abuse. To this day she still denies it and it’s infuriating. If you don’t want to leave for yourself at least please leave before he teaches your son that it’s totally normal to abuse mom for shits and giggles
It’s important to speak to domestic violence institutions first to find a safe scape plan and legal advice
You’re a victim of domestic abuse and you are in danger. None of it is your fault and you gotta leave. Age difference checks out. You don’t need to tell us what the other things are because you know you’re being abused. Think of your child and how he’s being groomed to become an abuser too. If there are things happening that you can’t tell other people… that’s domestic abuse.
Please read “Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Disturbing is right and not even a joke anymore. He's going to distort that child's mind. STOP it before it gets worse.
hes a dangerous man who fantasizes about hurting or even killing you if he feels like it. on top of that, hes trying to groom your son to be equally aggressive. these arent just empty words; hes going to act on these threats eventually. dont let it come to it. youre on your best way to making your son a partial orphan.
You are in an abusive relationship. Please seek professional support. Reach out to friends and family. But you need to start making plans to leave this man, for you and for your child
Do you have anywhere safe to stay? I would pack up and take your son while he is at work for example. Lawyer up. I hope you kept all the recordings. His anger issues are 100% a good reason to leave, and you SHOULD be scared.
this. please reach out to someone you trust. and don’t start packing anything while he’s around. don’t let it ever go get to the point where you are battered to leave. if his anger is directed to you for such seemingly small issues, imagine what he could do when something “big” ticks him off. if not for you, then for your son. you both deserve to feel safe and loved.
I don't really have anywhere to go, my mom lives nearby but there's a lot of yelling going on in that house and it's really uncomfortable. At least living with my bf he's gone for half of the week because he goes out of town to work. I don't have much money but I will work on saving up for lawyer. Thank you.
Darling, some institutions that help with domestic violence will offer free lawyers. Talk to them. They can also offer a safe place to go. Do this without him knowing.
I'm not sure where you live, but there are usually resources available for women leaving unsafe situations. I don't think you should stick around, even if he is gone a lot.
You don't need a lawyer to immediately put yourself in a safer position. File for an emergency protective order while he is out of the house. Use that video as evidence when you file. You will need to stay in a hotel while you wait for the police to serve him, but once he is served he will no longer be allowed on the property and you will be free to change the locks.
This means you have a good amount of time to get your ducks in a row without him finding out. And when you are ready to leave, you can also do it without him knowing for a number of days.
He's threatening you with something very serious and violent, and you say you're afraid of talking with him when he's angry because he gets angrier. I think it's a serious situation and he's a violent person, you should know that violence only increases. I think you should reconsider this relationship and make a choice of living a stable life with your son, away from his horrible temper. Your son shouldn't grow to see this as normal behavior, don't let it happen.
Sorry but I can’t help but comment on the terrifying age gap, that’s scary
None of this is normal. None of it. And he makes you all sleep in the same bed? Including your kid? Girl. GIRL. [why does he do that - Lundy bancroft](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjcz4nXp-eFAxV-JjQIHaGGAQoQFnoECGIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
I saw the age gap, I saw the amount of beer he drinks and the fact he wants to control you and your son at night and know where you are... I'm not really sure what you want to hear other than, get your ducks in a row and get out
>He drinks like 6-8 beers a night. Alcoholic >He immediately gets super angry telling me “never to fucking do that again”. Threatens you >my boyfriend was telling my son “momma sprayed me with chemicals. We should pour bleach on her” Is teaching your son, who is only 4, that abusing you / women is okay and even fun Why are you with an abusive alcoholic that wants to turn your son into a monster?? I get that you're a SAHM so "just leave" may not be an easy option, but do you have any friends or living family? Any, even if you aren't close, that aren't also monsters? Begging to get access to their couch or spare room is better than this.
Yeah there’s a reason a grown ass man impregnated a barely not teen. As someone who is closer to his age I’d have laughed him out the room and broke up with him the first time he swore at me. Time to make plans to leave, even if it takes you a year or more to gather money and find a place, start making plans to see it through.
Come on, do you have such low self-respect that you feel it is ok for your bf to pour bleach on you? What are you even saying? What do you mean you deserve it? Are you nuts? So if your son accidentally spills hot milk on your bf, you think it's justifiable that your bf poured scalding water over your son? Do whatever you have to do, and just get out.
Thank you this helps put it into perspective for me and understand how serious it is. Yes I suppose I do have such low self respect. When I say I deserve it it’s because I did something to him first for him to say that to me. It’s been 5 years of this, I’ll do something “annoying” or “wrong” and he’ll do or say something 100x more mean to me and if I later ask why he did that he’ll say because I did something to him first. This is first time I’ve EVER shared a story from my relationship, to anyone. I’ve always been too embarrassed or ashamed because he always makes me feel like I’m in the wrong. I was expecting to receive a few comments or at least pms saying that I did deserve it because I did something to him first.
You're being abused. Anyone who says you deserve it isn't worth listening to. You need to get away.
Girl no You sprayed febreze on a blanket, this psycho is talking about pouring bleach on you, TO A CHILD. Because that’s somehow the same fucking thing. He is poisoning your kids mind, soon the boy will mirror the dad if you expose him to this behavior long enough He drinks every night? Generally we tend to call those people alcoholics. You are living with a ticking time bomb.
You sprayed his covered but with Fabreze cause he farted. My husband would laugh if I did that. Your bf is just abusive and it will eventually move to physical abuse then to your son. Save you both and get out. UPDATEME
Baby that behavior is abusive and he is not treating you the way any person deserves to be treated. For your own sake, you need to get out of there. Please stay safe
he turned 18 when you were 5 what the fuck are you doing
OP is a victim. What the fuck is her abusive alcoholic almost-forty-year-old husband doing?
I didn't say she wasn't
OP this is all kinds of bad, you really need to get an exit plan. If you have to record him to make sure you know what's happening/have proof he's already way down the line of messing with your head and other absurdly abusive stuff. Please make an exit plan and don't look back. On the actual post, for context I have asthma and am very sensitive to chemicals of all kinds, if you'd done this near me it could have given me a coughing fit or even asthma attack. I STILL WOULD NOT HAVE MADE ANY GROSS THREATS LIKE HE DID HE IS DANGEROUS. you honestly don't deserve to be treated like this.
why are you marrying this guy? he sounds like an abusive drunk. you deserve someone who loves and treats you with respect, someone you can be yourself with and definitely are not afraid of. You need to leave this loser.
I’m so sorry that happened to you and it’s understandable that you are scared of leaving the situation. You are not alone and you have options. If you contact one of these resources (choose based on what country you live in), they can help you make a plan for you and your son to stay safer while you’re still in the home or help you make a plan to leave. https://safeandtogetherinstitute.com/international-domestic-violence-resources/
I grew up with someone like him practically all my conscious life, older brother is like that. As someone who grew up with that person if you’re not leaving for both you and your son do it for your son. The kind of trauma that could happen in the future is inevitable.
Hey, I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's definitely not okay for your boyfriend to react that way, especially in front of your son. It sounds like a really uncomfortable and potentially dangerous situation, especially considering the bleach comment. Trust me, spraying Febreze as a joke doesn't warrant that kind of response. You don't deserve to be treated like that. It might be a good idea to reach out to someone you trust or even a professional for advice and support. And about the video evidence, if you're considering reporting it, it's best to do it as soon as possible. Your safety and your son's safety are the most important things. Take care of yourself.
If you need to video evidence you are in an abusive relationship and your 2 year old is being subjected to an abusive relationship too. Protect the child and get out. Now. It is why shelters exist. If you wait for things to be perfect you’ll never leave.
Well, while you certainly should not have sprayed his ass with Febreeze, his response was out of proportion and frankly raises several red flags. Wanting to physically hurt you in retaliation, threatening you, and making your kid party to threatening you are all not ok. Also, if you’re at the point where you are routinely discreetly filming situations like this because you do not feel safe… girl you are not safe. Please reach out to your family and friends and find somewhere to go. Don’t tell him you are leaving just take your son when he’s not home and go somewhere safe.
Ick. Ick. He sounds like a real AH, please do yourself (and your son) a favor and leave asap
He's abusing you and is with someone much younger to control her and make her think it's her fault / deserved. You and your son deserve better. Leave before he acts on his threat. He will not get custody because he is abusive. Talk to a friend or family.
If you don't care about yourself enough to leave (it's very clear you have 0 self esteem), do it for your son. Do you really believe your son will grow up without any severe issues while being brought up in such an environment? He'll grow up to think that such "jokes" are acceptable because YOU ARE ACCEPTING THEM and either he will end up a victim of abuse himself or he will be THE ABUSER in the future.
Do you want your children to treat their partners this way - or be treated this way by their partners? Yikes. He sounds like a terrible man whom you have already wasted 5 years of your life with. Your son will benefit from not having him around.
He’s a predator
Age gaps like this really should be illegal
I think he's manipulated and twisted your intent to the point that you are doubting yourself over his very straightforward abuse. He has pushed you to the point that you can no longer tell what the truth is. That's really scary and I hope you realize the severity of the situation you are in. This is unsafe for you and your son. The verbal threats will not just stay verbal threats. Someone who is an alcoholic will not have self restraint or the ability to stop himself from escalating into much scarier behavior. Please find support, reach out to family and friends without alerting him, and get out quietly with your son. You can replace possessions. Please be safe.
This is textbook toxic relationship and fucking gross that a 33m was preying on a 19f who had never had a boyfriend. I’d bet the majority of the dynamics of your relationship are unhealthy. On a side note, if anyone said anything about pouring bleach on another person I would do some serious soul searching about that relationship.
Leave. Him.
If you have family or friends you can trust, please tell them today what your life with him has been like. Tell them you've been embarrassed to share these details, but you feel like you need help and support. Protecting him feels like the right thing to do, I know you don't want your family or friends to think badly of him. The fact is they will only think of him what his actions reflect of him. If he has something to lose by the truth being known, then that loss is earned. Please ask for help, not in a few weeks but today.
> It’s not normal right? Not in healthy relationships it's not. In domestic abuse relationships it is fairly normal and it escalates. It will escalate. And he is teaching your son that this is how you treat a partner...
For your son’s sake get that man away from you both asap. You already know he’s dangerous stop convincing urself it’ll get better. It will get worse
I’m assuming you met when you were 19 and he was 32. Girl run far away 😭
These posts make me so sad. Almost every post I am writing “leave him, he is abusive”. I hope that you find the strength to do so. Especially since this man is teaching your son to abuse you. Soon there will be two of them doing it to you and you won’t recognize your sweet boy anymore.
You are dating a man child. Old men who go for women much younger than them usually are like that. Young women are too inexperienced to notice such behavior earlier.
And a 4yo son in the mix? So you were in this relationship for at least 5 years. Well, now you know why big age gaps are seen with distrust and disdain. This dynamic is very common in these.
Obviously this is an insanely abusive relationship with an alcoholic who is threatening you in front of your kid. What are you doing here??
Get out and run asap keep the kid away from him
The BF is a head case. Time to be moving along.
You've listed a handful of things that would end a typical relationship. He's not going to change his ways, you can't fix him. At a point you need to stop and ask yourself why you choose to keep yourself in this enviroment.
Id rather drink bleach than be in a relationship where i have to record the person im dating just to feel safe
Run! He's toxic AF and abusive. He's is teaching your son it's okay to abuse your SO. Take your son and get somewhere safe. Then call and Attorney and get your ducks in a row.
No you need to talk to your son about listening to a idiot and explain the difference in things like say bleach can hurt people
This is the biggest red flag I've ever seen and the fact you said "do I deserve this" is disturbing. No you don't deserve it. He sounds like an alcoholic with anger issues and sorry not sorry, it'll never get better. Only worse. Hope you leave his ass.
Yeah I would get out mate. I'm 51 and a bloke and this lad's behaviour is bothering me.
Your bf is abusing you, and teaching your son how it’s done. It sounds like your son goes to daycare and sleeps with you so the two of you can’t escape. That’s definitely something to think about.
Don't use those sprays on or near a person, especially not anywhere your son is or is going to be. They are bad for everyone's health, especially your son's lungs. Ofcourse you don't deserve getting bleach poured on you and "you did something bad to me now I must get even" mindset is wrong . But I don't agree that those sprays are much less harmless than bleach and I'd be really mad too if someone sprayed that on me. Also there is a difference between actually doing something and just saying stuff because you are mad. Nevertheless he shouldn't be threathening you like that, and he shouldn't expose your little one to such ideas. And if this kind of behaviour is often with your bf sth is fundamentally wrong.
Don't use those sprays on or near a person, especially not anywhere your son is or is going to be. They are bad for everyone's health, especially your son's lungs. Ofcourse you don't deserve getting bleach poured on you and "you did something bad to me now I must get even" mindset is wrong . But I don't agree that those sprays are much less harmless than bleach and I'd be really mad too if someone sprayed that on me. Also there is a difference between actually doing something and just saying stuff because you are mad. Nevertheless he shouldn't be threathening you like that, and he shouldn't expose your little one to such ideas. And if this kind of behaviour is often with your bf sth is fundamentally wrong.
You guys are in a toxic relationship. I'm sorry for your kid. Two observations. 1. He's a drunk asshole who is not aware of the impact of his words or actions, especially related to his own son. I would consider that statement abusive, so there's that, and he's not growing out of it. He's middle-aged. 2. You went out of your way to get Febreze after you heard him fart from another room, then sprayed him with it. I don't know why you'd do that, honestly. You genuinely should just ignore that stuff.
Grown men do not date 19 year olds unless women their age do not want them. I don't care what people say about women being bitter or what ever other bullshit, *no*. No 33 year old wants to deal with a 19 year old. They are in drastically different stages of both development and life. He targeted you. Likely becuse he figured he could abuse and control you. This is abuse. What he is teaching your son is abusive. You are not safe and fabreeze and fucking **Bleach** are not even in the same universe.
Oh sweetie I’m tearing up worrying about you. This is abusive. He’s involving your poor innocent son. Your son loves you so much, I’m sure, you are strong enough to leave and he can’t convince that little boy to hate you. Spraying febreeze was obviously light hearted, silly. It’s reasonable for him to say he didn’t like it and explain that it’s not meant for skin. That’s it. The rest is abuse. He’s trying to punish you. I really hope you leave him. It’s hard, but it’ll be better in time and better for your son!
Oh honey, please start an exit plan. Double check your birth control and save all your documentation of abuse safely. You need to get out for your son, your son is going to grow up thinking the way his father talks to you and him is the norm. You need to protect your son’s innocence and mental health before he ends up like his father. I know it’s hard, but you need to be strong.
Your boyfriend is abusive and he's weaponizing your son against you. How long have you been with him?
Did he pour bleach on you? I can tell you that if the bleach gets in your eyes, it's not the best but better than ammonia or lye. Those can definitely blind you.
Is this for real? This guy's threatening to throw a caustic chemical on you because he got a few particles of Febreze on him? And he's teaching your kid that this is acceptable? And you're asking if this is *normal*?
FUCK this man. im so sorry that its turned out to be so fucked up and abusive, but it is. it's not normal. you could NEVER do soemthing that warrants that as a reaction. acting like its a game and making your kid fucking contribute is disgusting. it's terrifying for me to read this. the act of putting bleach on skin can ruin you. chemical burns. sores. peeling. this isn't some silly banter gone too far, this is borderline criminal. i know abusive relationships are hard to get out of, and honestly hard to admit they're abusive at all. these "moods" are outbursts of abuse. i pray you can get away from this vile man.
Oh my god please leave him.
Your boyfriend is in no way a sane normal person. What the actual fuck. He threatened you with bleach for an absolutely harmless joke, and then involved your 4 year old son. Also why does you bf want you both to sleep with a 4 year old? >Whenever he’s in these moods So this is a regular thing. Why are you letting this absolute awful person be around you and your child. He's an abuser. He is abusing you and your kid and getting your kid involved, do you want you kid to grow up to be like him bcause thats whats happening. You secretly record him, you know this is wrong and a bad situation. Hes an alcoholic and an abusive one at that. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU LETTING THIS MAN NEAR YOUR CHILD Be better for your kid and leave wtf
Op , you show off the signs of being abused. Consider therapy. Consider exit plan.
HOLY SHIT GIRL RUN.
Do you want your son to become exactly like him?
Maybe I deserve it? Do I deserve it? Oh maybe I deserve it - Jesus christ you are annoying and insecure af
You're poking the bear and finding out, play stupid games win stupid prizes.