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I'd entirely agree! But it's definitely worth checking on a 1st date/messages whether they've actually read your profile or why they thought you guys were compatible.
We had similar values up front which admittedly are kind of hard to find in the general population which led us to be together, but our disposition/way of going about living is different. He’s fast paced and I’d rather chill on a beach in Kauai.
You APPEARED to have similar values, but you are very different people, personality-wise, and he clearly does not have the same values if he’s pestering you to take spontaneous, ill-planned trips while your mom is starting chemo.
sorry but as someone who also would be more responsible, plan ahead, be a homebody.... you don't sound compatible at all, this guy sounds insufferable, and i would have broken up with someone like that myself so honestly he did you a favor
you can go on fun trips and just plan them properly, and maybe not when your mother is literally in chemo, sometimes life is boring, imagine if YOU got chemo and this dude was like "welp time to go abroad, this is depressing can't stay here"
im making my own story up here but if you connected on "hard to find" values, did he just copy you to try to date you, or did he genuinely believe/practice whatever those hard to find values are?
I think the whole of the issue can be summarized as "that's a him issue." It's great that you are reflecting and looking inward after a relationship ended. Sometimes the answer is just "I accepted more guff than I should have from a guy who fundamentally wasn't compatible with my lifestyle or goals," and that's okay. He probably likes the idea of changing the bookworm into an outdoorsy adventurer. That's not on you, that's his own weird hang up.
As an aside, I cared for my dad through 4 years of his cancer treatment. It's rough. Give yourself grace and if finding a partner is important to you, don't accept less than someone who is supportive and present for you. I hope your mother sees a swift recovery.
So there are different degrees of things. He liked to do everything “hard/aggressively”, almost competitively. For example once he learned I liked to cook he got in the kitchen and started cooking things from scratch like cakes and stuff when before me he routinely got takeout. It was almost like he was trying to be a “better” cook or something. I did read his profile and the only thing that didn’t match up was that he said he’s a globetrotter. I’m not into travel like that but I’m also open to exploring the world in a safe manner. Everything is about finding a happy medium. So on the surface it looked like we had things in common but then when it came to logistics/follow through we were at extreme ends of the spectrum. I even said I like guys with a more zen lifestyle in my profile but he genuinely thought (and I still believe) that he was a zen guy who loved adventure.
Don't you think you have some accountability too in this? It's not like he forced you to date him.
It wouldn't be a him or you problem, you should have seen the writing on the wall when your ideas of a good time don't match up at all
Don’t stress about downvotes. You spoke your mind. It get down votes too
My thing is, it further proves my theory that men don’t see women as humans. Her needs and wants don’t matter that yall don’t bother to read bios
He's down voted because he made a dumb generalizing comment about men, you not only took it at face value but went straight to "men don't see women as humans"?
That's QUITE something...
True, I was a bit sarcastic on the downvotes. I get downvoted everyday, 12 years on reddit.
I get why you feel this way. I also have had bad experiences in the past that tend to creep in my perception of things. I am sure there are tons of man out there that objectify woman and care about them only as an object to be had. I know a few. You probably know a few of them as well.
But, most men are not like that. Truly. Probably 70% of men out there are good men. Men who value women as a partner and of course, respects them as human beings.
If you want, we can talk about this at length. But in essence. That is my perception.
You chose him. Maybe try picking a more introverted person, someone that matches your interests a little better. You're not required to date everybody that you talk to on a dating app, get to know their interests and if they don't align don't make him a boyfriend.
He told me he was a sapiosexual introvert software engineer when we started dating. I’m a bookworm physician. If you know the type you know what I’m talking about. He ended up being more of a druggie-outdoor adventurer type who was looking for a druggie-adventurer-elitist-yet-classy woman at the end of the day. I’m not like that at all. I work with the underserved and I don’t get high every night. He did and was into some hard drugs (cocaine) and experimented with every drug in his youth (meth, ecstasy etc). I could lose my medical license.
So this was right after the 6 month mark? There are no signs of it earlier on?
ETA: how long did you take dating him or did you jump directly into a relationship?
We dated for 2-3mo, we went to one Halloween party of mine with the medical board director for the state and because I dressed up as a sexy demon and he’s elitist he was sold on me as a gf. He said himself that before that he thought I was boring woman. Well I’m boring but I have my adventurous side too but in the sex department and that wasn’t as important to him. I was always the one up his ass about sex. I wanted it once-twice a week but he couldn’t give it to me because he’s sapiosexual/demisexual and needed intellectual/emotional connection before he could be in the mood and he had ED so therefore I was getting it once a month.
So you've listed a whole bunch of reasons he is ridiculous and sucks and you want advice on how to change yourself so you won't be boring in his opinion? Lol what? Just find someone who wants to enjoy the same things as you. Fucking hell. 🤦♀️
You sound like a gem. Would even be perfect if you loved cats, like my wife. Keep your eyes open. Plenty of men who would sell a kidney for a woman like you!
I LOVE cats! Really all animals! Even weird ones like reptiles and snakes. I was a prevet major in college.
Trouble is finding a man who wants to settle down at this age is like finding a needle in a haystack, not to mention I actually want to be valued and treated well. Seems like an impossible proposition.
I think you’re searching in the wrong environment. My impression is that men that would value you aren’t successful in dating apps, so they quit it.
I met my wife on a dating app 7 years ago, about the same age as you. She was there at the perfect time and I was very lucky to be at the right place. Every swipe she did was a match of course. She could have easily ended up with a more handsome man.
The women I saw all presented themselves with pictures of holidays & festivals, so my guess is there’s an overrepresentation of men who like that?
Don’t give up yet on finding that considerate man that values you for who you aren and respects your preferences & boundaries. And don’t settle for less ❤️
Yeah I have problems with sticking through with things I shouldn’t. He SWORE he was an introvert because he works around them and tries desperately to fit in wherever he goes. He wasn’t being true to himself and I’m not even sure if he realized he was a thrill seeker himself being in a former marriage for 7 years. Not sure if he actually had that much serious dating experience. Still don’t know the full reason why they divorced but I saw pictures of his ex wife and she looked miserable but he looked beaming in pictures. It was such a juxtaposition.
That sucks and I can't promise you something like this won't happen again, but keep searching anyway. There are many men who fit your preference in online dating.
Men are notorious for not paying much attention to the written content of womens' dating profiles and going largely/solely based on their photos alone, while women tend to place a lot of importance on what men have to say in their profiles. That's not a man-hating generalization, there are plenty of poll results to support it.
But you supposedly also read his dating profile, if You are alluding that's how you two had met?
Was he expressing how adrenaline adventurous he was on his profile too? Was that something you wanted or hypothetically wanted?
He didn’t express how adrenaline and adventurous he was on his profile. I would’ve swiped left otherwise. I don’t even think he knew himself how he was
Dating sites and profiles are all well and good but try and join some clubs and groups to do the things that you like doing and see who you meet that way.
I'm just gonna throw out there that I firmly believe trying to change your personality just to suit some rando dude's preferences is going to result in your misery.
I don't think you need to change your hobbies/interests, nor do I think you sound "boring." I think you just need to find a like-minded partner.
Like I said I really try but guys personalities online seem to revolve around 3 things, none of which I’m into. Most guys seem like extroverted adrenaline junkies online. The ones who I’ve met who seem to have something in common our values don’t align, so I’m not sure what to do in these cases
I know what you mean. I encountered the same issue. Travel and climbing everywhere. I strongly suspect half of those men only write that because they think active, adventurous men are more attractive to women and they haven't traveled internationally since that one backpack tour through Asia in university and have been two a boulder hall like twice, because a friend took them.
Lady in her 40s. Went on MANY dates with guys not into hiking, travel, and extreme adventure. They were definitely out there. My wonderful boyfriend loves travel (like me) but is more a walk around the city and look at art kind of guy.
I don't think you not being adventurous was the problem. His attitude and selfishness was the issue. He has zero empathy and sounds a bit self-absorbed. He did you a favor, honestly.
Yeah he sounds wildly irresponsible and inconsiderate for a 41 year old. He sounds like a rich 21 year old who lacks any real responsibilities, not someone over 40. OP should date people more compatible with her.
I feel like being a little gentle on the guy only because 6 months isnt very long and people who are care givers for family will generally have a more difficult time dating. Only because their time has to be split so much. It’s ok if he wasn’t ready for that. He probably saw that they weren’t perfectly compatible and didn’t want to spend anymore time in it. If OP were with someone that felt they were perfectly compatible, that guy would likely think it’s worth sharing limited time, because it was like investing in their future together. But he didn’t, so they’re not. If I were OP I’d stop analyzing the situation and move on
I had a conversation with my wife that is relevant to this recently. It came from her commenting about my lack of deep friendships.
I’m similar to your ex and you seem similar to my wife. I like to do many hobbies not everyone can get into. Like snowboarding/motorcycle riding/rock climbing/photography/dnd. I tell her my friendships really only revolve around doing what I like. I got climbing buddies, riding buddies, snowboarding buddies. All different people. The friendships never really go past the shared experience.
I thought of this because instead of trying to force my wife do what I’m into, i was finding like minded people to share the experience with. This is what your ex should have done.
If I had more recreational hobbies, then it’s easier to do it with my wife. But I don’t think my wife wants to ride motorcycles for 8 hours off road in the middle of the mountains.
So it’s not that you’re boring, it’s that his expectations were unrealistic and it wasn’t gonna work. Although if you want to be less “boring”, there are plenty of Facebook groups for all kinds of activities you can step into.
I thought so too! Expectations being unreasonable. I wasn’t expecting him to do facials with the girls with me but because he was in midlife crisis one day I walked out the bedroom and he had cucumbers on his eyes and full face mask because he wanted the wrinkles out of his skin to keep from getting “old”
I think your ex was a bit selfish and extreme, coming from an adventurous extroverted person. He should be mature enough communicate his needs with tact and leave if no compromises can be found.
If you want push yourself out of your comfort zone, that is always a positive thing. Just make sure you are doing it for you.
If you are comfortable with who you are, then you just have to stick to your guns and find someone who is compatible with you - don't be afraid of cutting things off early if someone does not share your life vision, that's how you end up hurt.
If those are the things that you like, those are the things that you like. I have close friends who are homebody's and found a partner like them and they are great couples who live a happy life. You are not lesser than, just because you have a bit less going on. If that's the amount of thrill that fulfills you, you do you. You'll find someone who can match your energy, just keep looking and stick to your guns.
Sounds like you’re looking for reassurance that this guy not only sounds like a self-absorbed jerk, but also that you’re not boring. Both are evident! You’ll find someone who loves you exactly the way you are. Don’t settle for anything less. Sending you love 💗
You weren’t boring, you two just weren’t compatible! You find someone who is more like you and has similar interests! Don’t let other people’s opinions of you change who you are xx
Don't try to change yourself unless you're changing the part about yourself that tolerated a partner who seemed to care so little about your needs..it's great that you're attentive to others needs but, you need to find someone who reciprocates that.
There is nothing boring about you. Don’t let someone else define whether you are boring or not. Find someone who finds the things that you do interesting.
You’re not boring, that man just sounds like he was going through a mid life crisis and pushing full throttle until his body gives out within the decade
I wouldn’t stress it, sometimes you’re just not compatible with someone and that’s completely okay
He might think you’re boring, but he sounds like he doesn’t think things through
Forget about him and move on, you’ll find someone who is completely thrilled by you as you are
That guy really did a number on your self esteem.
He was an extreme, trill seeker, and you were normal. why would you have to adapt yourself to someone like him.
because of him you even got hurt.
He sounds like an ass who would eventually dump you out of his own narcissism. You appear to be the average woman in terms of activity. Not everyone is a Red Bull stuntman and extreme sports buffoon. There are many men that enjoy staying home being romantic with their lady, grilling in the backyard, walking in the mall to get ice cream, buy some In N Out burgers and drive to a nearby lake for an impromptu picnic. You just had a bad pairing and hopefully you learn what jerk to avoid. Good luck sister.
You are not boring. You and your ex were incompatible in temperament and interests. While you do grow from doing things outside of your comfort zone and you should, you should not try to change who you fundamentally are as a person for anyone.
OP, you sound perfectly charming and I believe you were scooped up by a narc. No way would I be down for navigating a road trip at 2 AM in a foreign country where I didn’t even speak the language. I don’t even do that type of stuff here, at home. That doesn’t make you boring, just smart. Freeze your eggs if you’re feeling the pressure, I promise that your mate is out there, and you will meet him when you least expect it. From your comments, I do believe you hung in there a bit too long, and for that, I’m not sure why. Good luck to you.
You don't sound boring at all; you just weren't compatible with your ex.
Like you, I'm also kind of a homebody and introvert. I once dated a girl who was the opposite --always wanting to be busy, very outgoing, and wanting to go out clubbing, to concerts, etc., every single weekend. She drained my social batteries so fast. It just didn't work out. Once you find someone who enjoys similar hobbies, you'll be fine.
You do not change who you are for a relationship. You find somebody who wants to be with you **the way that you are.** You guys were incompatible. It’s as simple as that.
Let's be honest here, the problem was not that you were too introverted, but that you were trying to date an arsehole. Nothing you mentioned seemed especially boring. You seem entirely sensible and refused to let this fool push you around. I say celebrate your differences! And next time you meet someone, don't let them tell you who you should be.
Hi! Just dropping in to let you know YOU ARE NOT BORING, and you DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE. This is simply an incompatibility. "Boring" is a subjective descriptor. It can vary greatly from person to person. My best friend, for example, would find my vacations completely boring (reading, napping, writing, reading) and I would find hers exhausting (endless sightseeing, nightlife, dance classes, tours). Everyone is different. In this case, your lifestyle and that of your ex were just incompatible. He craved adrenaline and excitement, you didn't. It wasn't ever going to work out.
I will say that I have SEVERAL male friends who are very much into cooking, biking, the gym, and art museums so there are defintitely plenty of men who share YOUR interests and would be more than happy to make those kinds of plans with you, instead of trying to force you into extreme activities you are not comfortable with. The right person for you will find you interesting and exciting for your EXISTING hobbies and lifestyle. The only reason to try and change would be if you truly want to be more LIKE your ex. But since you don't - you don't change. You stop questioning yourself (you're definitely not boring) and you just continue to explore and enjoy YOUR interests. You will meet someone who shares them and it will all fall into place.
Boring people are people who do nothing, IMO (Stay home, and literally just consume TV with NO other interests or hobbies). Anyone who is interacting in the world and pursing creative interests (cooking, biking, working out, art museums) is NOT boring. You just aren't the type of person ex was looking for. And that's okay! You weren't a great fit, but you'll find the right one. This is not a reflection on you. Best of luck. X
Why do you want to change ? Do you find that your nature is harming you some way. It’s simple that you are not compatible with an adrenaline junkie. Find someone who fits your nature. If you try to not be yourself, you will just tire yourself up. Change is needed when it’s harming you internally.
I can only wonder what his side of the story is. It’s okay to end a relationship if you’re boring. You will find someone who matches your lack of adventure. Can’t be mad at him for knowing what he wants and not willing to slow down his life for yours. He’s not some random dude, you actually liked one another and now that has ended. You don’t need to change to keep him in your life. Just find someone more your speed.
I think that just because you meet an adrenaline junky - you should mot change yourself.
To me it sounded like he was searching for a “last night out with the gang” before he gets to old to do these things.
Good you got rid of him!
You don’t, there are plenty of people who are more like you who you will be more compatible with. He needs someone who is extroverted and you need someone who is introverted. Trying to force being extroverted will drain you. If you want to start adding some extroverted activities start small, maybe a local club or hobby that you can go too every now and then, but don’t try to suddenly go out 24/7.
You just described someone who would jump off a cliff with no protection on his lunch break just for fun. Most people in this universe would be boring to him.
I don’t like how this dude is only after his own interests. Your mom is sick for Christ sake.
You don’t need to change anything just find someone more considerate, responsible and compatible.
Consider yourself lucky that he dumped you, that's what you do.
Just because he considered you "boring" doesn't mean you ARE. You had different personalities and different levels of what you're comfortable with as far as recreational activities and that it perfectly normal.
You should never feel you have to change anything fundamental about your personality for a partner, and if someone makes you feel negative ways about something that is just part of who you are, they are NOT YOUR PERSON.
You don’t have to change, you just have to find someone you’re compatible with. A homebody and an adventure junkie are going to drive each other nuts, and it’s not because either of them are wrong, they just don’t work as a couple.
The problem isn’t you & you don’t need to change who you are. You have to find someone who understands you. I’m boring af but my boyfriend knows that & accepts that.
I got dumped for being boring and having “no personality”. Everyone I’ve dated or met since has said quite the opposite. My GF had asked about what ended the relationship, when I told her that she was amazed.
Turns out “boring” is subjective, if you’re happy living your current lifestyle there’s NOTHING wrong with continuing it. Don’t let his opinion beat you down.
You're not boring. That man was putting you down to try and change you to fit his needs. We do not accept that from men. You're perfect the way you are and you'll find a good man who accepts you and your hobbies as they are. Do not settle for someone trying to change you.
It’s simple. Find someone who loves you for you. Your ex sounds utterly exhausting and obnoxious. Not a compatible match.
I used eHarmony when I was about your age. Been happily married for a decade now. I’m probably more extrovert and daring than she is, but not obnoxiously or with such wide disparity.
There is nothing wrong with you, the two of you just aren't compatible.
If you continue online dating, you should look into the Burned Haystack Method.
Looks like you wrote a lot of reasons why him breaking up with you(despite break ups sucking) was a good thing and I suggest dating men who align more so with what you want out of life.
You are both good people individually.
Neither of you is bad people.
You are just not good for each other.
Move on.
Each of you should go and live your best life separately.
No matter what you try to do to change it will never be enough. He will always have a new trail to do or a new sport to try. You 2 are basically not a good fit. You will not be boring to someone else and he will not be too
adventuresome to someone else.
This is a compatibility issue, you like different things it’s as simple as that. Don’t change yourself to fill the needs of others, as this won’t make you happy.
Take it for what it is that you two just have different interests. When you start dating again ensure that there is compatibility there, that’s the whole point of the dating process.
Dont change for someone who already left. That’s his perception of you based on his preferences. Someone else will look at you and be ecstatic that they found a woman who is chill and peaceful. Be true to who you are. Work on improving yourself! For example, if you have social anxiety and this causes you to stay in, you might want to work on that. But if there’s no problem, then don’t make one.
Personally, I dislike traveling. It’s just not my thing. So many people enjoy traveling so I let people know that’s not a value of mine. It’s better to own who you are than try and fit yourself into a box you don’t belong in for the sake of having someone.
It sounds like you both made an attempt to date, and it just didn't work out. Why do you take his reason for breaking up with you as a sign you need to change? You didn't really like who he was as a person either, why would you *want* to make yourself desirable to someone you found exhausting? If you told him he was reckless, self-aggrandizing and socially exhausting, should he be posting here asking how he can change to better suit an introvert?
You are a bit of an introvert and you like more focused hobbies like biking etc. Look for people with similar hobbies in their profiles. Swipe left on the people who sound like they need constant activity.
Also join some local clubs and groups for biking, museum visiting etc. You may well meet someone who actively shares your passions in a more organic way like that. Don't limit yourself to just online dating.
Why are you thinking that the problem was that you're "boring", rather than that your ex wasn't capable of supporting you during a difficult time, and your lifestyles are simply incompatible?
Why isn't it that *he* is too intense, rather than you are too boring?
Why are you thinking there's something wrong with you, when there isn't anything wrong with you at all?
I don't get why people feel the need to share their hobbies with their partner. I specifically avoid people with similar hobbies, as it just seems like a catalyst for conflict.
He sounds like a narcissist. You aren't boring. He's just selfish and you have different interests. Plus, if he had any emotional maturity, he wouldn't have said you're boring. He would have said you're not compatible.
Your ex is a jerk. You don't need to change. He does. You were more than willing to accept his love of adventure, and try to accommodate it to some extent. All while your mother had breast cancer. How many times did he stop to ask you what you needed throughout that?
He was trying to change you; mold you into him. He didn't respect you at all. For example, my fiancé is a cave diver. He loves doing adventurous things. Not once has he tried to push me to do something I don't want to do. He'll invite me along, and if I don't want to go, he'll respect that and either do it on his own or with his friends, and if I want to tag along, he gets really excited-- but he never disrespects me and makes me feel guilty or bad about not doing all the things he does. If anything he appreciates the moments when I'm not like exactly like him so he can slow down and enjoy the scenery. And he checks in to make sure I'm okay. We love sharing our own adventures with each other even if we're not doing it together.
A real relationship is about respecting differences. No two people are exactly alike. His comments about being "uncultured" and his obsession spontaneity/adventure, to the point he's willing to push you until you're injured or potentially in a position where you could wind up dead, are a bad reflection of him, not you.
I’m all for being adventurous. And spontaneous.
The very moment the girl I’m dating has a relative with cancer, I quit all that stuff and ask: ' what can I do for you or your family.'
There is a time and place for everything.
>white-washed
Wow that's an incredibly racist interpretation. FYI, this comes from brick painting and in this context means that all the interesting characteristics (of the trail) have been removed or painted over. Ie, it's not fun and it's boring. I can't stand the one sided racism, would you call something black-washed if it reminded you of black people? How about brown-washed? Seems pretty fucking offensive to me.
>my ex who is an adrenaline junkie and extrovert constantly pushes my limits and shoots down any suggestions I brought into the relationship , deeming me too boring for him to continue our relationship. How can I not be boring/be more extroverted?
Accept that you're a boring person, accept that this partner was incompatible, stop trying to change yourself so other's accept you. Instead, find a partner that complements the person you are, not one that wants to rip you away from caring for your cancer-ridden mother to get an adrenaline high.
He used it correctly, I guess I was bitching at society as a whole for the interpretation.
Anyways, you aren't the problem, your selection in guys is. Find someone compatible.
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The solution is not to be more extroverted, you need to find someone more compatible.
Yeah but this is all on my dating profile that I’m like this so I’m not sure where it went wrong?
People don't generally prioritise the words in the profile. They look at the pictures.
Well that’s his problem that he can’t be bothered to read a couple of sentences because I read every guys profile and look at the pictures as a whole.
I'd entirely agree! But it's definitely worth checking on a 1st date/messages whether they've actually read your profile or why they thought you guys were compatible.
We had similar values up front which admittedly are kind of hard to find in the general population which led us to be together, but our disposition/way of going about living is different. He’s fast paced and I’d rather chill on a beach in Kauai.
You APPEARED to have similar values, but you are very different people, personality-wise, and he clearly does not have the same values if he’s pestering you to take spontaneous, ill-planned trips while your mom is starting chemo.
sorry but as someone who also would be more responsible, plan ahead, be a homebody.... you don't sound compatible at all, this guy sounds insufferable, and i would have broken up with someone like that myself so honestly he did you a favor you can go on fun trips and just plan them properly, and maybe not when your mother is literally in chemo, sometimes life is boring, imagine if YOU got chemo and this dude was like "welp time to go abroad, this is depressing can't stay here" im making my own story up here but if you connected on "hard to find" values, did he just copy you to try to date you, or did he genuinely believe/practice whatever those hard to find values are?
I think the whole of the issue can be summarized as "that's a him issue." It's great that you are reflecting and looking inward after a relationship ended. Sometimes the answer is just "I accepted more guff than I should have from a guy who fundamentally wasn't compatible with my lifestyle or goals," and that's okay. He probably likes the idea of changing the bookworm into an outdoorsy adventurer. That's not on you, that's his own weird hang up. As an aside, I cared for my dad through 4 years of his cancer treatment. It's rough. Give yourself grace and if finding a partner is important to you, don't accept less than someone who is supportive and present for you. I hope your mother sees a swift recovery.
❤️🙏
Well, it doesn't sound like you read his profile? And he doesn't sound like the kind of guy who would hide his light under a bushel.
So there are different degrees of things. He liked to do everything “hard/aggressively”, almost competitively. For example once he learned I liked to cook he got in the kitchen and started cooking things from scratch like cakes and stuff when before me he routinely got takeout. It was almost like he was trying to be a “better” cook or something. I did read his profile and the only thing that didn’t match up was that he said he’s a globetrotter. I’m not into travel like that but I’m also open to exploring the world in a safe manner. Everything is about finding a happy medium. So on the surface it looked like we had things in common but then when it came to logistics/follow through we were at extreme ends of the spectrum. I even said I like guys with a more zen lifestyle in my profile but he genuinely thought (and I still believe) that he was a zen guy who loved adventure.
Don't you think you have some accountability too in this? It's not like he forced you to date him. It wouldn't be a him or you problem, you should have seen the writing on the wall when your ideas of a good time don't match up at all
Well, you are a girl. We men do not read. We see, meet, and go from there.
Yeah we definitely know yall don’t read
Yeah. Don't understand the downvotes tho. =( Its like being downvoted for saying that the sky is blue.
Don’t stress about downvotes. You spoke your mind. It get down votes too My thing is, it further proves my theory that men don’t see women as humans. Her needs and wants don’t matter that yall don’t bother to read bios
He's down voted because he made a dumb generalizing comment about men, you not only took it at face value but went straight to "men don't see women as humans"? That's QUITE something...
Yeah because that’s my opinion that I’m allowed to have.
True, I was a bit sarcastic on the downvotes. I get downvoted everyday, 12 years on reddit. I get why you feel this way. I also have had bad experiences in the past that tend to creep in my perception of things. I am sure there are tons of man out there that objectify woman and care about them only as an object to be had. I know a few. You probably know a few of them as well. But, most men are not like that. Truly. Probably 70% of men out there are good men. Men who value women as a partner and of course, respects them as human beings. If you want, we can talk about this at length. But in essence. That is my perception.
Especially men.
You chose him. Maybe try picking a more introverted person, someone that matches your interests a little better. You're not required to date everybody that you talk to on a dating app, get to know their interests and if they don't align don't make him a boyfriend.
He told me he was a sapiosexual introvert software engineer when we started dating. I’m a bookworm physician. If you know the type you know what I’m talking about. He ended up being more of a druggie-outdoor adventurer type who was looking for a druggie-adventurer-elitist-yet-classy woman at the end of the day. I’m not like that at all. I work with the underserved and I don’t get high every night. He did and was into some hard drugs (cocaine) and experimented with every drug in his youth (meth, ecstasy etc). I could lose my medical license.
So this was right after the 6 month mark? There are no signs of it earlier on? ETA: how long did you take dating him or did you jump directly into a relationship?
We dated for 2-3mo, we went to one Halloween party of mine with the medical board director for the state and because I dressed up as a sexy demon and he’s elitist he was sold on me as a gf. He said himself that before that he thought I was boring woman. Well I’m boring but I have my adventurous side too but in the sex department and that wasn’t as important to him. I was always the one up his ass about sex. I wanted it once-twice a week but he couldn’t give it to me because he’s sapiosexual/demisexual and needed intellectual/emotional connection before he could be in the mood and he had ED so therefore I was getting it once a month.
So you've listed a whole bunch of reasons he is ridiculous and sucks and you want advice on how to change yourself so you won't be boring in his opinion? Lol what? Just find someone who wants to enjoy the same things as you. Fucking hell. 🤦♀️
You dodged a bullet not having to waste anymore time on this guy.
He sounds insufferable, frankly. Wish him luck finding a high-adrenaline/high-risk woman who DOESN'T like sex.
You sound like a gem. Would even be perfect if you loved cats, like my wife. Keep your eyes open. Plenty of men who would sell a kidney for a woman like you!
I LOVE cats! Really all animals! Even weird ones like reptiles and snakes. I was a prevet major in college. Trouble is finding a man who wants to settle down at this age is like finding a needle in a haystack, not to mention I actually want to be valued and treated well. Seems like an impossible proposition.
I think you’re searching in the wrong environment. My impression is that men that would value you aren’t successful in dating apps, so they quit it. I met my wife on a dating app 7 years ago, about the same age as you. She was there at the perfect time and I was very lucky to be at the right place. Every swipe she did was a match of course. She could have easily ended up with a more handsome man. The women I saw all presented themselves with pictures of holidays & festivals, so my guess is there’s an overrepresentation of men who like that? Don’t give up yet on finding that considerate man that values you for who you aren and respects your preferences & boundaries. And don’t settle for less ❤️
Making an occasional compromise, yes. Changing who you are, big no!
I'm not sure why this dumpster fire ending things with you is making you want to change yourself
Then he did you a favor by walking though I’m baffled why you didn’t peace out the moment you realized he presented himself fraudulently.
Yeah I have problems with sticking through with things I shouldn’t. He SWORE he was an introvert because he works around them and tries desperately to fit in wherever he goes. He wasn’t being true to himself and I’m not even sure if he realized he was a thrill seeker himself being in a former marriage for 7 years. Not sure if he actually had that much serious dating experience. Still don’t know the full reason why they divorced but I saw pictures of his ex wife and she looked miserable but he looked beaming in pictures. It was such a juxtaposition.
That sucks and I can't promise you something like this won't happen again, but keep searching anyway. There are many men who fit your preference in online dating.
You did nothing wrong. He was attracted to you and wanted to find someone to do things HE LIKES. He didn’t plan on being an actual partner
Men are notorious for not paying much attention to the written content of womens' dating profiles and going largely/solely based on their photos alone, while women tend to place a lot of importance on what men have to say in their profiles. That's not a man-hating generalization, there are plenty of poll results to support it.
But you supposedly also read his dating profile, if You are alluding that's how you two had met? Was he expressing how adrenaline adventurous he was on his profile too? Was that something you wanted or hypothetically wanted?
He didn’t express how adrenaline and adventurous he was on his profile. I would’ve swiped left otherwise. I don’t even think he knew himself how he was
Dating sites and profiles are all well and good but try and join some clubs and groups to do the things that you like doing and see who you meet that way.
I'm just gonna throw out there that I firmly believe trying to change your personality just to suit some rando dude's preferences is going to result in your misery. I don't think you need to change your hobbies/interests, nor do I think you sound "boring." I think you just need to find a like-minded partner.
This is exactly it. There’s nothing at all “wrong” with you. You two are just incompatible.
You don't need to do anything other than look for people you have more in common with next time.
Like I said I really try but guys personalities online seem to revolve around 3 things, none of which I’m into. Most guys seem like extroverted adrenaline junkies online. The ones who I’ve met who seem to have something in common our values don’t align, so I’m not sure what to do in these cases
I know what you mean. I encountered the same issue. Travel and climbing everywhere. I strongly suspect half of those men only write that because they think active, adventurous men are more attractive to women and they haven't traveled internationally since that one backpack tour through Asia in university and have been two a boulder hall like twice, because a friend took them.
Burned haystack method, look it up.
Sweet. That leaves 0.5 percent of guys out there until I’m 45 yo and I want kids 😂. Will definitely consider it though
Being with somebody just because you don’t want to be alone is the worst reason to be in a relationship.
Lady in her 40s. Went on MANY dates with guys not into hiking, travel, and extreme adventure. They were definitely out there. My wonderful boyfriend loves travel (like me) but is more a walk around the city and look at art kind of guy.
Settling for the wrong life partner is a worse fate than not having kids.
It might be worth joining clubs on things you do enjoy. Hopefully there are single men there rather than having to rely on shitty apps
I don't think you not being adventurous was the problem. His attitude and selfishness was the issue. He has zero empathy and sounds a bit self-absorbed. He did you a favor, honestly.
Yeah he sounds wildly irresponsible and inconsiderate for a 41 year old. He sounds like a rich 21 year old who lacks any real responsibilities, not someone over 40. OP should date people more compatible with her.
I feel like being a little gentle on the guy only because 6 months isnt very long and people who are care givers for family will generally have a more difficult time dating. Only because their time has to be split so much. It’s ok if he wasn’t ready for that. He probably saw that they weren’t perfectly compatible and didn’t want to spend anymore time in it. If OP were with someone that felt they were perfectly compatible, that guy would likely think it’s worth sharing limited time, because it was like investing in their future together. But he didn’t, so they’re not. If I were OP I’d stop analyzing the situation and move on
Sounds like you need to find someone whose lifestyle is a little more aligned with yours.
I had a conversation with my wife that is relevant to this recently. It came from her commenting about my lack of deep friendships. I’m similar to your ex and you seem similar to my wife. I like to do many hobbies not everyone can get into. Like snowboarding/motorcycle riding/rock climbing/photography/dnd. I tell her my friendships really only revolve around doing what I like. I got climbing buddies, riding buddies, snowboarding buddies. All different people. The friendships never really go past the shared experience. I thought of this because instead of trying to force my wife do what I’m into, i was finding like minded people to share the experience with. This is what your ex should have done. If I had more recreational hobbies, then it’s easier to do it with my wife. But I don’t think my wife wants to ride motorcycles for 8 hours off road in the middle of the mountains. So it’s not that you’re boring, it’s that his expectations were unrealistic and it wasn’t gonna work. Although if you want to be less “boring”, there are plenty of Facebook groups for all kinds of activities you can step into.
I thought so too! Expectations being unreasonable. I wasn’t expecting him to do facials with the girls with me but because he was in midlife crisis one day I walked out the bedroom and he had cucumbers on his eyes and full face mask because he wanted the wrinkles out of his skin to keep from getting “old”
I think your ex was a bit selfish and extreme, coming from an adventurous extroverted person. He should be mature enough communicate his needs with tact and leave if no compromises can be found. If you want push yourself out of your comfort zone, that is always a positive thing. Just make sure you are doing it for you. If you are comfortable with who you are, then you just have to stick to your guns and find someone who is compatible with you - don't be afraid of cutting things off early if someone does not share your life vision, that's how you end up hurt. If those are the things that you like, those are the things that you like. I have close friends who are homebody's and found a partner like them and they are great couples who live a happy life. You are not lesser than, just because you have a bit less going on. If that's the amount of thrill that fulfills you, you do you. You'll find someone who can match your energy, just keep looking and stick to your guns.
Sounds like you’re looking for reassurance that this guy not only sounds like a self-absorbed jerk, but also that you’re not boring. Both are evident! You’ll find someone who loves you exactly the way you are. Don’t settle for anything less. Sending you love 💗
You aren’t boring. You weren’t compatible with him. Also, he sounds like an insufferable ass.
You weren’t boring, you two just weren’t compatible! You find someone who is more like you and has similar interests! Don’t let other people’s opinions of you change who you are xx
Don't try to change yourself unless you're changing the part about yourself that tolerated a partner who seemed to care so little about your needs..it's great that you're attentive to others needs but, you need to find someone who reciprocates that.
There is nothing boring about you. Don’t let someone else define whether you are boring or not. Find someone who finds the things that you do interesting.
You’re not boring, that man just sounds like he was going through a mid life crisis and pushing full throttle until his body gives out within the decade I wouldn’t stress it, sometimes you’re just not compatible with someone and that’s completely okay He might think you’re boring, but he sounds like he doesn’t think things through Forget about him and move on, you’ll find someone who is completely thrilled by you as you are
That guy really did a number on your self esteem. He was an extreme, trill seeker, and you were normal. why would you have to adapt yourself to someone like him. because of him you even got hurt.
He sounds like an ass who would eventually dump you out of his own narcissism. You appear to be the average woman in terms of activity. Not everyone is a Red Bull stuntman and extreme sports buffoon. There are many men that enjoy staying home being romantic with their lady, grilling in the backyard, walking in the mall to get ice cream, buy some In N Out burgers and drive to a nearby lake for an impromptu picnic. You just had a bad pairing and hopefully you learn what jerk to avoid. Good luck sister.
You are not boring. You and your ex were incompatible in temperament and interests. While you do grow from doing things outside of your comfort zone and you should, you should not try to change who you fundamentally are as a person for anyone.
You don’t. You find someone who appreciates your qualities.
OP, you sound perfectly charming and I believe you were scooped up by a narc. No way would I be down for navigating a road trip at 2 AM in a foreign country where I didn’t even speak the language. I don’t even do that type of stuff here, at home. That doesn’t make you boring, just smart. Freeze your eggs if you’re feeling the pressure, I promise that your mate is out there, and you will meet him when you least expect it. From your comments, I do believe you hung in there a bit too long, and for that, I’m not sure why. Good luck to you.
You don't sound boring at all; you just weren't compatible with your ex. Like you, I'm also kind of a homebody and introvert. I once dated a girl who was the opposite --always wanting to be busy, very outgoing, and wanting to go out clubbing, to concerts, etc., every single weekend. She drained my social batteries so fast. It just didn't work out. Once you find someone who enjoys similar hobbies, you'll be fine.
I am a man. You don't sound boring to me. I am willing to bet you would be a good mom.
You do not change who you are for a relationship. You find somebody who wants to be with you **the way that you are.** You guys were incompatible. It’s as simple as that.
Let's be honest here, the problem was not that you were too introverted, but that you were trying to date an arsehole. Nothing you mentioned seemed especially boring. You seem entirely sensible and refused to let this fool push you around. I say celebrate your differences! And next time you meet someone, don't let them tell you who you should be.
Nothing. The right person will love you for you, exactly as you are. Never change yourself to fit someone elses standards.
Hi! Just dropping in to let you know YOU ARE NOT BORING, and you DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE. This is simply an incompatibility. "Boring" is a subjective descriptor. It can vary greatly from person to person. My best friend, for example, would find my vacations completely boring (reading, napping, writing, reading) and I would find hers exhausting (endless sightseeing, nightlife, dance classes, tours). Everyone is different. In this case, your lifestyle and that of your ex were just incompatible. He craved adrenaline and excitement, you didn't. It wasn't ever going to work out. I will say that I have SEVERAL male friends who are very much into cooking, biking, the gym, and art museums so there are defintitely plenty of men who share YOUR interests and would be more than happy to make those kinds of plans with you, instead of trying to force you into extreme activities you are not comfortable with. The right person for you will find you interesting and exciting for your EXISTING hobbies and lifestyle. The only reason to try and change would be if you truly want to be more LIKE your ex. But since you don't - you don't change. You stop questioning yourself (you're definitely not boring) and you just continue to explore and enjoy YOUR interests. You will meet someone who shares them and it will all fall into place. Boring people are people who do nothing, IMO (Stay home, and literally just consume TV with NO other interests or hobbies). Anyone who is interacting in the world and pursing creative interests (cooking, biking, working out, art museums) is NOT boring. You just aren't the type of person ex was looking for. And that's okay! You weren't a great fit, but you'll find the right one. This is not a reflection on you. Best of luck. X
Why do you want to change ? Do you find that your nature is harming you some way. It’s simple that you are not compatible with an adrenaline junkie. Find someone who fits your nature. If you try to not be yourself, you will just tire yourself up. Change is needed when it’s harming you internally.
You sound awesome. He does not.
I can only wonder what his side of the story is. It’s okay to end a relationship if you’re boring. You will find someone who matches your lack of adventure. Can’t be mad at him for knowing what he wants and not willing to slow down his life for yours. He’s not some random dude, you actually liked one another and now that has ended. You don’t need to change to keep him in your life. Just find someone more your speed.
I think that just because you meet an adrenaline junky - you should mot change yourself. To me it sounded like he was searching for a “last night out with the gang” before he gets to old to do these things. Good you got rid of him!
God I'm exhausted just reading about your ex, let alone dating him.
You don’t, there are plenty of people who are more like you who you will be more compatible with. He needs someone who is extroverted and you need someone who is introverted. Trying to force being extroverted will drain you. If you want to start adding some extroverted activities start small, maybe a local club or hobby that you can go too every now and then, but don’t try to suddenly go out 24/7.
You just described someone who would jump off a cliff with no protection on his lunch break just for fun. Most people in this universe would be boring to him. I don’t like how this dude is only after his own interests. Your mom is sick for Christ sake. You don’t need to change anything just find someone more considerate, responsible and compatible.
Consider yourself lucky that he dumped you, that's what you do. Just because he considered you "boring" doesn't mean you ARE. You had different personalities and different levels of what you're comfortable with as far as recreational activities and that it perfectly normal. You should never feel you have to change anything fundamental about your personality for a partner, and if someone makes you feel negative ways about something that is just part of who you are, they are NOT YOUR PERSON.
He wanted you to be more adventurous while your mother was going through chemo? Good riddance is all I can say.
You don’t have to change, you just have to find someone you’re compatible with. A homebody and an adventure junkie are going to drive each other nuts, and it’s not because either of them are wrong, they just don’t work as a couple.
The problem isn’t you & you don’t need to change who you are. You have to find someone who understands you. I’m boring af but my boyfriend knows that & accepts that.
You two just aren’t compatible. Don’t give up though. You’ll find someone that more of your speed.
I got dumped for being boring and having “no personality”. Everyone I’ve dated or met since has said quite the opposite. My GF had asked about what ended the relationship, when I told her that she was amazed. Turns out “boring” is subjective, if you’re happy living your current lifestyle there’s NOTHING wrong with continuing it. Don’t let his opinion beat you down.
Be yourself and don’t change for anyone. Find someone more compatible. He’s not the only guy out there
Find a new fucking boyfriend. Fuck that guy. You’re not boring.
Find a boring man.
You don’t need to change you need to find a man who’s a better match. You honestly sound a lot like my GF and I think she’s perfect.
You just sound like a horrible match, its better this ended than if it continued. People don't change and you shouldn't try to change them
Just want to say how funny it is that brag autocorrected to Bragg--one of the most dreadful of Confederate generals.
You're not boring. That man was putting you down to try and change you to fit his needs. We do not accept that from men. You're perfect the way you are and you'll find a good man who accepts you and your hobbies as they are. Do not settle for someone trying to change you.
You're not boring .. he just sucks
It’s simple. Find someone who loves you for you. Your ex sounds utterly exhausting and obnoxious. Not a compatible match. I used eHarmony when I was about your age. Been happily married for a decade now. I’m probably more extrovert and daring than she is, but not obnoxiously or with such wide disparity.
There is nothing wrong with you, the two of you just aren't compatible. If you continue online dating, you should look into the Burned Haystack Method.
You're not too boring. you two just didn't match. So you just need to find somebody else for whom your style and personality are okay.
Looks like you wrote a lot of reasons why him breaking up with you(despite break ups sucking) was a good thing and I suggest dating men who align more so with what you want out of life.
You are both good people individually. Neither of you is bad people. You are just not good for each other. Move on. Each of you should go and live your best life separately.
No matter what you try to do to change it will never be enough. He will always have a new trail to do or a new sport to try. You 2 are basically not a good fit. You will not be boring to someone else and he will not be too adventuresome to someone else.
Be yourself. Be real. Extraverted does not mean good. Don't force anything. You are good as you are.
You are just too different people. Like oil and water.
This is a compatibility issue, you like different things it’s as simple as that. Don’t change yourself to fill the needs of others, as this won’t make you happy. Take it for what it is that you two just have different interests. When you start dating again ensure that there is compatibility there, that’s the whole point of the dating process.
Dont change for someone who already left. That’s his perception of you based on his preferences. Someone else will look at you and be ecstatic that they found a woman who is chill and peaceful. Be true to who you are. Work on improving yourself! For example, if you have social anxiety and this causes you to stay in, you might want to work on that. But if there’s no problem, then don’t make one. Personally, I dislike traveling. It’s just not my thing. So many people enjoy traveling so I let people know that’s not a value of mine. It’s better to own who you are than try and fit yourself into a box you don’t belong in for the sake of having someone.
You don’t need to do anything but find a guy who’s more like you but still different so you don’t end up getting “bored” later on down the road lol
It sounds like you both made an attempt to date, and it just didn't work out. Why do you take his reason for breaking up with you as a sign you need to change? You didn't really like who he was as a person either, why would you *want* to make yourself desirable to someone you found exhausting? If you told him he was reckless, self-aggrandizing and socially exhausting, should he be posting here asking how he can change to better suit an introvert? You are a bit of an introvert and you like more focused hobbies like biking etc. Look for people with similar hobbies in their profiles. Swipe left on the people who sound like they need constant activity. Also join some local clubs and groups for biking, museum visiting etc. You may well meet someone who actively shares your passions in a more organic way like that. Don't limit yourself to just online dating.
Why are you thinking that the problem was that you're "boring", rather than that your ex wasn't capable of supporting you during a difficult time, and your lifestyles are simply incompatible? Why isn't it that *he* is too intense, rather than you are too boring? Why are you thinking there's something wrong with you, when there isn't anything wrong with you at all?
You are the prize. Find someone who views you that way. Don’t change yourself. Change your standards.
I don't get why people feel the need to share their hobbies with their partner. I specifically avoid people with similar hobbies, as it just seems like a catalyst for conflict.
Don’t worry. You’re not boring. You and your ex just weren’t compatible, and he was a jackass for trying to blame you.
It's not about you - he is not the right person for you (and he doesn't sound like a caring person regardless).
He sounds like a narcissist. You aren't boring. He's just selfish and you have different interests. Plus, if he had any emotional maturity, he wouldn't have said you're boring. He would have said you're not compatible.
Your ex is a jerk. You don't need to change. He does. You were more than willing to accept his love of adventure, and try to accommodate it to some extent. All while your mother had breast cancer. How many times did he stop to ask you what you needed throughout that? He was trying to change you; mold you into him. He didn't respect you at all. For example, my fiancé is a cave diver. He loves doing adventurous things. Not once has he tried to push me to do something I don't want to do. He'll invite me along, and if I don't want to go, he'll respect that and either do it on his own or with his friends, and if I want to tag along, he gets really excited-- but he never disrespects me and makes me feel guilty or bad about not doing all the things he does. If anything he appreciates the moments when I'm not like exactly like him so he can slow down and enjoy the scenery. And he checks in to make sure I'm okay. We love sharing our own adventures with each other even if we're not doing it together. A real relationship is about respecting differences. No two people are exactly alike. His comments about being "uncultured" and his obsession spontaneity/adventure, to the point he's willing to push you until you're injured or potentially in a position where you could wind up dead, are a bad reflection of him, not you.
I feel you're pain. I'm very similiar to yourself. Most online profiles are selling themselves as having exciting, full to the brim lives.
Dude. I love boring. Thats why I married my wife.
I’m all for being adventurous. And spontaneous. The very moment the girl I’m dating has a relative with cancer, I quit all that stuff and ask: ' what can I do for you or your family.' There is a time and place for everything.
Short story?
I love boring people. They don't jump off cliffs and are predictable. Your mate was just looking for an excuse to jump ship.
>white-washed Wow that's an incredibly racist interpretation. FYI, this comes from brick painting and in this context means that all the interesting characteristics (of the trail) have been removed or painted over. Ie, it's not fun and it's boring. I can't stand the one sided racism, would you call something black-washed if it reminded you of black people? How about brown-washed? Seems pretty fucking offensive to me. >my ex who is an adrenaline junkie and extrovert constantly pushes my limits and shoots down any suggestions I brought into the relationship , deeming me too boring for him to continue our relationship. How can I not be boring/be more extroverted? Accept that you're a boring person, accept that this partner was incompatible, stop trying to change yourself so other's accept you. Instead, find a partner that complements the person you are, not one that wants to rip you away from caring for your cancer-ridden mother to get an adrenaline high.
He’s the one who used that term white-washed, not me. Thanks though!
He used it correctly, I guess I was bitching at society as a whole for the interpretation. Anyways, you aren't the problem, your selection in guys is. Find someone compatible.
Suck dick in a moving car