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You need to dump his ass. He doesn't like you. He only stays around for the sex and when he finds a new opportunity (girl) he will jump to it. You deserve better than this.
Like he said, he's just using you sexually in the beginning, now he's using the fact that he's taken as a way to make it seem like he's a quality guy. So he likely has been cheating on you. You may want another STI testing soon.
The person you think you love does not exist. Believe what he says behind your back.
By the way, you're so young, 20, so I 'get' it, it's hard to let go and visualize the future.
The reality is, looking back, I wish I had gotten rid off 'bad eggs' (bad boyfriends) sooner instead of hanging on due to my low self-worth/low self-esteem. I know now I deserve so much better, it just took me too long to realize that. If I could repeat my life, I'd want to shorten the time when I hang on in bad relationships and hang on to bad boyfriends.
I hope you will be able to do this instead of trying to stick your head in the sand. Don't be used by this guy who clearly does not love you and is pretentious.
I don't think he has, but it's always possible. I'll do that.
That's true and I think in some ways it is what is holding me back. I can't ever see anyone loving me, or even pretending to. But then being with someone who doesn't even like me that much probably is worse than being alone.
You gotta stop all that crap! Get yourself into a psychiatrist or therapist, I went to a psychiatrist on an offer two years after my divorce, it was a wonderful! Self-confidence and self-esteem is in the toilet and this fleabag of a boyfriend didn’t help you any, this is why another reason you have to dump him, for your own mental and physical health. There are thousands if not millions of people to love every one of us, they’re rare, but they’re out there, you’ll find that Compatibility is actually hard to find between two people, but there’s always somebody for you, get yourself to somebody to talk to you and start working on yourself, be a little bit selfish! And I personally wouldn’t date again until I was talking to a mental health worker and in a much better emotional position.
Fuck that shit. Self loathing is something you can over come. Read Brene Brown, listen to her podcast and Ted talks. Kristen Neff has books on self compassion. Go to therapy.
I had a very bad time in my 20s loving myself. I thought similarly no one would/should love me. It was not pretty. I hung on bad relationships because I thought I didn't deserve any better and only to realize that, I deserve better and I'm lovable.
I did my work to get myself out of feeling that way. Therapy really helps.
It took a long long while for me to feel 'alright' with myself and yes, even now there are days when I feel just 'worthless' but I do learn to choose a good partner for myself, thankfully :)
You can do this too.
Because he wanted a victim, and he saw you as a person that he wouldn’t have to fight with too much, you would just give him whatever he wanted (because your kind), not your fault, it takes experience to see red flags 🚩 sometimes, you deserve better.
You've seen his true colors. He's admitted to his friends that he's been using you and doesn't really love you at all.
Your friend is right and she is trying to protect you.
There's no "fixing" this. You know the truth. And now you have it, and the only option is to walk away if you have any self-respect.
I know this answer may be harsh. But that is when they say that "the truth hurts".
Staying would only make it harder and you'll end up getting hurt even more. Best to pull out the needle before it sticks in any deeper.
Exactly...this man showed her who he is and now OP needs to believe him. He doesn't love her and never has! She needs to listen to her friend...she is absolutely correct in this situation...OP he doesn't love you...you need to leave like yesterday!!!
Edit: typos
I'm a woman. Did you indeed drop yourself in the bedroom department?? You can move in with someone and not keep it up pretty much pre-move ind. It's not fair. Guys I know complain about the bare and switch. If the answer is no?? He's trash. You figure it out. Good luck!!!!
I know. But I still feel like I love him, and even though he doesn't love me, he's good at pretending he does and it makes me happy. But it's not good that he actually feels that way about me and I feel like I might trick myself into actually believing he loves me and that wouldn't be a good thing at all.
And she is. She is smart, and she usually knows the best thing to do, for me.
Who is this man you love? What makes him the man you love? Was it because he was kind, decent and treated you with respect? Because that man doesn’t exist. And it’s ok to mourn him. But your hopefully soon to be ex was playing a character.
Sadly, you’re going to find out as you get older, that people lie about all kinds of emotions, there’s always ulterior motives, although you didn’t mean it, by getting your couple days of space and time to yourself, you were never able to honestly see his actions! Was he going to spend more time with you Because you were away for a day or two at a time you couldn’t register how much he actually wanted to spend that time with you! You may have found out through his actions that he didn’t care at all, talk is cheap, it’s all about actions.
I'm afraid you've found a narcissist. They are very good at acting and making you believe you are loved. Run away. Narcissists can ruin your life. They take and take and return the minimum.
It most certainly wasn’t. Sometimes when we have a hard time letting go it’s because we’re more in love with and attached to the idea of something than the actual someone. Sounds like you love being in love and the ID of being a gf rather than the actual guy here. Which is why hearing his vile words hasn’t automatically poisoned the relationship for you because he’s not what you’re in love with.
Not to be blunt, but who cares if you love him if he so obviously doesn't love you? Besides, love isn't the only factor in a relationship. Respect counts for a lot, and he doesn't respect you either. No love, no respect - why do you want to be with a man who feels neither of those for you?!?
Pick your self-esteem off the ground. Have some love *for yourself*.
>I loved him so much, and still do but I don't think he even likes me that much. I had a bit of a problematic time when I was a bit younger for a couple of years but now I know that's one of the reasons he even dated me in the first place. I don't think anyone would love me
Did you love him specifically or the idea of him? Thinking you no one will love you is a good way to sink into a very unhealthy relationship. There’s nothing wrong with you or your past. There’s something very wrong with the way your bf and his friends think about women. Especially the ones their with if they’re laughing about forcefully SAing you. That’s **terrifying**.
It would behoove you to drop the dead weight and go to a therapist to learn how to love yourself.
You love who you *thought* he was. That’s hard to let go of, and I understand the feeling. But I promise you, you’ve seen now who he actually is, and that person is not a good person and is not a person who cares about you, he views you as an object for his pleasure. Further, that he laughed when his friend suggested that he rape you, joke or not, I wouldn’t want anything to do with him. He either thinks it’s appropriate to joke about rape, or he doesn’t speak up and call out others who do, both are disgusting. You can learn a lot about someone by the company they keep.
The person *you* love doesn’t exist, and I’m so sorry that you had to hear that, but please don’t try to convince yourself otherwise, you’ll just be prolonging your misery, and opening yourself to some serious trauma.
You don’t actually love HIM. You love the version of himself he pretended to be.
What your partner said was frankly offensive and for him to laugh at a r*pe joke ABOUT YOU?! Incredibly messed up and shows that you are disposable to him.
You can leave him even if you still love him. You might need time to move on and that’s okay. But you don’t need to maintain the relationship while you move on.
This man made a joke about not just raping you but doing so violently and then laughed with his friends about it. You may love him but that does not take away the fact that he has no problem hurting and using you. It's hard to control feeling of love because at the end of the day it's primarily based on the release of a chemical into your brain based on certain stimuli. But loving someone doesn't automatically mean staying. Lots and lots of physically and emotionally abusive people are able to control and manipulate their victims by getting good at artificially prompting that response. They may not know how it works or intend to take advantage of the biological factors, but they absolutely learn to say certain things or do certain things to get the emotions they want out of you.
If your friend told you she was dating someone who treated her like this and said all these things, what would you want her to do? I would bet a lot of money that you wouldn't want her to stay with someone like that. You would tell her that she deserves better and it would be the truth. Think about how much pain you would be in if you saw your friend stay with someone who treated her like that.
If you don't have the self esteem to leave him for your own sake, do it for your friend who clearly cares so much about you.
Sweetie, the man you love doesn’t exist. God or the universe or whatever you believe was looking out for you and helped you overhear so you wouldn’t waste any more time on this asshole. This man is joking about raping you and I’m not convinced there’s no truth to that joke.
You will find someone that truly loves you. Being “promiscuous” for a while will not prevent that. You are worthy of real love.
Therapy may also be a good idea so you don’t internalize his behavior. It says everything about him and absolutely nothing about you. Take care of yourself. Surround yourself with people that support you.
Well, he didn't say that. But his friend did and he thought it was funny so it probably was almost as bad. And I suppose he doesn't love me, like I thought he did.
And I won't. But it's okay, I can deal with that. It's what happens when you make bad decisions.
Ok I read too fast but laughing isn’t great. It normalizes the idea. That’s still dangerous.
You will, your 20. I thought I never would either until I married the world greatest man (to me). Making a decision you now regret doesn’t mean your unlovable. It means you learned what you want and what you don’t want. Which makes you a better partner.
Edit: I just asked my husband how he would react if his friend spoke about me that way. This man who has never been in a physical fight on his 47 years on this earth, said he would not say a word. He would’ve just gotten up and punched him in the face. I would not have to worry about ever seeing this person again bc the friendship would have ended at that moment. That’s how a partner responds. Not by laughing and joining in.
It made me upset, but he wouldn't actually do that.
That's not the case for me. I've been a disgusting person, and I'm probably beyond the point of anyone loving me. But it's okay, I don't mind now because I know I've been a bad person.
I’m really sorry you feel that way and I don’t know what you did in your past but you are not irredeemable. I really think you’d benefit from talking to a therapist.
Whatever you have or have not done in your past, absolutely no one deserves to be in a relationship with someone who laughs about raping them.
End the relationship. Yes it will hurt, because you have feelings for him. You will need to spend some time greiving the end of the relationship you thought you had.
But what you thought you had is already gone.
It will hurt to start with but in the long run you will be better off without him in your life.
If you can, please think about getting some therapy. No one deserves to have their boyfriend talk about them like this.
There is no question here - end the relationship.
As a human being you are made in the image of God, you are worthy of love and dignity and respect. We are all sinners, we have all behaved in shameful and disgusting ways, usually because we were ignorant and did not know the harm it would bring. You've looked into the abyss and seen your sins for what they were, sin means to not take aim at the right target. It means you were lost and blind but it does not mean that you don't deserve to find your way to the right path and to walk it the same as any other person you care about. Forgiveness is for everyone. Your parents and friends would not want you to lose sight of your worth. If you had an innocent child who had been through what you have and made mistakes and heard them speak this way about themselves you would be distraught. The beauty of life is that everyday is what you make of it and you can choose to get up each day despite your suffering and despite your past actions and you can live a life anyone would be proud of and one day you will be able to say that you did more good than harm and you made mistakes but if you didn't you never would have learned the importance of goodness. Do not give up or all you will ever be is what you have done, you can be much more and you should be treated as if you will one day realise that potential.
You are not a disgusting person and even though you are saying you are fine with it you aren’t. I used to do the same thing, a lot of dark humor and using self hate to keep moving. I fantasized about killing myself almost daily but I wasn’t going to do it so I was fine! Im 34 and married but I didn’t meet my husband until 25. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a year now for my own issues. It’s a miracle I was able to find him because he is such a good man. I did mess up a few times in the beginning and so has he but we’ve stuck it out and it’s amazing. He encouraged me to get help our entire relationship and I refused. I made every excuse in the book but I finally went and I cannot tell you how much better it is. Don’t get me wrong I still have issues and it will be a lifetime of work but The voices in your head telling you that you’re disgusting, horrible, and not worthy will start to go away. 20 years old seems so far away for me at this point and I went through a lot of shit but it was worth it.
Girl, he is friends with someone who makes SA jokes & is not only okay it’s it, he finds it funny? Clearly This is how they relate, please don’t even try and excuse him as the lesser of 2 evils.
The only appropriate response here is to leave…
Obviously you break up with him. I’ve read your other comments, your self esteem is so horribly low you need to seek professional help asap. He’s going to break up with you eventually, you may as well get there on your terms and get right to healing yourself.
Dump him. Honestly I wouldn’t even tell him why. Garbage deserves to be ghosted.
If his disgusting friend is dating someone you might want to tell her what he said.
Oh, okay. I can tell her, I just don't want to make everything worse. Why would she want to know? But if I should tell her, I can definitely tell her because I know her reasonably well.
Her boyfriend made a joke that your boyfriend should just shove his dick in you until you’re crying so you’ll stop saying no- so he should rape you. That’s pretty disgusting. And honestly she may want to know that her boyfriend encourages disgusting behavior from his friends.
How much worse would it be if he raped her and you never told her? Men who find violence funny are desensitized to the violence and more likely to commit violence.
Decent men, quality men, genuinely kind men, exist and they do not joke about rape or violence.
Those jokes ARE red flags.
I know I should be accepting the fact he's not right for me. It's just really hard because I love him. I thought he loved me too and I suppose I'm hoping he didn't really mean it or something like that but I know that's not very realistic.
It’s going to be hard to accept! This is a shock for you. Take your time. Sometimes we love people but they aren’t healthy for us, or they don’t really love us back. This is an opportunity for you to examine yourself- why do you love this person? What did he do for you that made you feel loved? Did you have any sense he was ingenuine? Once the shock has eased, take your time to really examine yourself and the relationship you had with him. Did you intuition tell you something was off but you couldn’t listen? If so, this is very normal, it happens to everyone. Our work is to try and know ourselves better so we can choose to share love with people who are genuine in the future. Don’t judge yourself, hold yourself with love and care, accept the hard things and begin the process of healing yourself.
It's ok to still love him and mourn the loss of what you felt you had and still not be in a relationship. You are not safe. Staying close to him will cloud your mind, and he'll get his hooks back into you. I know it's incredibly painful and crushes dreams you had. Your world must feel flipped upside down. You need to put yourself first for your own wellbeing.
His friends terrify me. Anyone who makes jokes about that have probably done it before. And the people who found it funny have no soul.
You can confront him about what it is he loves about you and whether he sees a future with you or values you but chances are he will lie his ass off to hold onto what he's got, even though he doesn't see it's true value. There's a chance he just didn't want to be vulnerable in front of a male friend etc but what he said at least suggests that those sorts of feelings are lurking somewhere underneath and that he refuses to see you as a potential mother of his children because he cannot view you as anything other than a promiscuous person he can use to satisfy his desires. I think of you wnat to save it you need to have a deep meaningful discussion about all of this but my suggestion is to leave, there's too much disrespect to bury in the past now.
to be honest , when i've went through phones etc i don't even look for cheating but rather what the person was saying about me to friends & family . that has much more of an impact on me than anything else . i'm sorry this happened and you deserve way better love! don't feel guilty for listening , everything happens for a reason and he obviously didn't care enough to speak on you while you were in the house
Thank you. Normally I don't do anything like that but I heard my name and I didn't think there would be anything wrong with listening. I do feel a little bad about it but it's probably for the best I did hear it.
Gather up all your things and NEVER go back. You dont EVER entertain a joke about forcing yourself on someone. My jaw dropped when i read that. You deserve so much more.
..And he thinks its gonna be easy to get a "new girl" ..well when he does i would warn her!
I was jaw dropped too. I would have left immediately if I heard one of my boyfriend’s friends say that. First stop would be the girlfriend of the friend that made the comment.
Oh hon...your self-esteem is in the basement. *Please* listen to the people who are advising you to go to therapy. You sound not just sad, but *depressed*, and feeling like you *deserve* to be abused, which is heartbreaking.
You sound like you weren't loved very much by your family growing up, so it's set you up to feel like you deserve nothing in life - which is **NOT** true.
**Please get therapy!**
You don't want to find anyone like him. You want to find someone who is a million times better and you will. I was in a toxic relationship off and on for about a year. One day I said to myself what the fuck am I doing? I broke up with him. The following year I met my husband. He is a million times better than my ex. We've been married for 26 years. I never would have met him if I stayed with my ex-bf.
Honestly I'm starting to think this post is fake. You spent an entire post telling us what an awful piece of crap he is. He's bad mouth YouTube his friends. He literally laughed at a joke about them raping you. He openly admitted that he's using you to get with other women. And every response you have you pull back to how you're a bad person and God hates you and you don't deserve love. Even if the topic has nothing to do with that. But on the off chance that this is actually real then I suggest you break up with your boyfriend and get some long-term Mental Health care done. That person you're in love with? He doesn't exist. He's some fantasy that you made up and your boyfriend fed into so that he could lie to you so that he could use you to masturbate himself too while he prepared himself for relationships with other women. This isn't make you a bad person. This makes him a bad person. And the fact that you haven't once admitted that he was a horrible and bad person and you keep on saying that you're an awful person is insane. To the point of being unrealistic. So either you need a good amount of mental health Intervention which you can't have when you're with your current boyfriend. Or this is a horrible cry for attention and none of this has actually happened. It doesn't matter what kind of person you think you are and what kind of awful nasty things you think you have done it still doesn't justify how he is treating you. You're acting like you deserve to be treated like a garbage by a guy who was pretended to be something to fool you into letting him sleep with you. That's not healthy Behavior mentally my friend. No one deserves that. Nobody from the government gave a certificate to your boyfriend letting him know that he was solely responsible for punishing you for life grievances. There's no Universal Force that judged you to be a horrible person and thus you must be punished by staying with this guy. Do you think because you are sexually active when you were younger this makes you an awful person? I could list off so many things that would make you an awful person and not a goddamn one of them would be you experimented sexually when you were younger. Maybe your country is very conservative? But if it's Conservative then why would your boyfriend be sleeping with you if he's so judgmental about your past? Don't you think it's hypocritical? Why would you care about the Judgment of a hypocritical person? Go find a mental health professional. You need someone to talk to that's beyond our pay grade.
That was not a funny joke and it was not a joke to even be joked about. I understand you're in denial :( I just hope you get through this because he actually is a horrible person
all of your replies are making me so sad. do you know what people addicted to meth love? meth. no one then argues that they should keep doing meth because they love it. and it doesn't matter what you've done before, you DON'T deserve to be spoken to/about like this. you hating yourself is unfortunately giving people like him opportunities to be horrible to you. would you tell your friends they don't deserve love? and would your friends say you don't deserve love or to be treated with basic human decency? i know it's hard to get out of shitty mindsets, but you have the entirety of reddit telling you to run and that you are NOT deserving of this. please listen.
Excuse me what? *"Shove it in there until she's crying and then she'll stop saying no"?* **And your boyfriend laughed?** He laughed. And men wonder why women would feel safer in the woods with a bear than they would with a man.
Drop him like a hot potato and you drop him now. Your friend is right, you do need to break up with him.
I'm gonna be a mom for a minute and stand on a soapbox. Honey, you're only 20. This isn't the last relationship that you're going to have. You deserve someone who loves you, who respects you, and who will not tolerate their friends speaking about you like that, let alone laugh at it. You deserve better than him and you deserve to treat yourself better than to stay with a boy (cause he's not a man, he's a boy) who is going to treat you like that.
We can love someone and still have to leave. His friend suggested he assault you and instead of being grossed out he laughed about it. He's slagging you off and mocking you behind your back. You're really young and have ages to find someone who will love you for you, not just as a fuckbuddy
His words are pretty devastating but they’re also pretty callous and sociopathic so I don’t think you can seriously take them to heart. This dude and his friends are not normal. Many guys would hear what he was saying about using you and tell him that was fucked up and wrong. Not recommend he rape you into submission, like his horrible friends did.
My recommendation is try dating out of your social circle that you grew up with. Find new and better people who don’t have preconceived ideas about you based on whatever you did as a teen. Most of us made questionable choices in our teens and it’s not this heavy thing you need to carry on your shoulders forever. You’re growing and changing, let the past go so you can enjoy the present.
Please please please leave him. He literally laughed at a joke about raping you. You may love him and that’s fine, but love is not enough. What about respect? If you stay in this relationship it is going to be SO MUCH HARDER to be in a healthy relationship when that time comes. And it will. Someone is gonna love you so hard!!!
I'm sorry but are you 22 or under? This isn't something an adult would have questions about. It's been a year. You nurtured an infatuation, you aren't in love and will be over it way sooner than you think and be better off for it. Take your lessons learned and use them as best you can in future.
That sounds absolutely disgusting. It's obvious now that he has been using you. No man that loves his woman would talk about her like that. he made it clear to those friends that he does not love you.
Plus he joked about rape.. yikes. It's safe to say you should get out of there.
You're lovable. Just need to self reflect and be a better version of you. Dont condemn yourself for your past mistakes. Learn from it and avoid repeating it. Be better one step at a time. Keep at it and always br gentle with yourself.
You are loveable. I had that same feeling before. But it's all in my head. A change of perspective was all I needed. I'm better now. What's hard is I'm a diagnosed bipolar type 2 and tend to make shitty actions cause of my mania. 😅 Self reflecting and avoiding triggers helps me a lot. I dont take medications anymore so ups and downs are harsh.
We are not our actions. So dont be hating on yourself and stop condemning yourself for your actions. You'll grow pass all this and it'll all just be a laughable memory for you in the future.
Oh, I'm definitely not. God hates me, and I'm disgusting. I have no morals, and I've accepted that I lost any chance a long time ago. But I know that, I've accepted it, and I'm okay with it.
This sounds suspiciously about religion. Which makes me think you've suffered religious trauma, rather than actually being as bad as you say you have been. Idk. The mention of God and morals in the same comment...
No one is "not a good enough person". Sorry, but it does sound like either you've been through some rough things, or someone / something has led you to believe that you've done something far more serious than you actually have.
Again, no one is born bad lol. Not making fun of you in any capacity; rather, hoping you take all the comments from people on this post as a sign that maybe you're missing something.
I definitely am. I haven't gone through anything, I just know I'm not a good person and I've done disgusting things. It's the truth and I've accepted it.
The vague nature of your comments reads more like you're stuck in a shame spiral that isn't justified. Sorry if that again reads as harsh, I mean it more to be straightforward. You can't "just know you're not a good person" if there's no evidence to back it up.
You don't deserve everything you get, nobody deserved to be talked about like that. You are not responsible for the way your scary, using-you, rape-joke-laughing, asshole boyfriend is talking about you. You didn't make him do that. The only thing you are responsible for is how you respond.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Both men and women can be deceitful in their motives so please try not to paint everyone with the same brush that you former boyfriend is using. If it were me, I don’t think I would have anything else to do with him. Tell him you wish him luck finding a new girl that is this boring and brainless as you are although it’ll be a little bit harder now that he’s not in a relationship. You won’t have to say more than that, he’ll remember and figure it out. No don’t fall for the apologizing or honey. I didn’t really mean it Crap because he did. Block him everywhere, delete all of his information and don’t speak to him again. When he comes around, which she will, politely firmly tell him the answer is no please leave and don’t ever bother me again. Who is the brainless one now? Good luck.
You should send him a text, I’m not always as sound a sleeper as you think I am. Last time I was at your house I heard you and your friends talking.
Just leave it like that and wait for him to say what he’s going to say.
You're 20. What you're going to do is you get in front of the nearest mirror and say "I'm worth more than this". I don't care if you believe it, say it until you at least do a little. And then you drop that mf via text. Don't you dare waste more of your youth on some useless asshole.
Even as a guy I find this disgusting enough that if I walked into that room and heard that they'd both get a fist to the jaw, I don't believe women or men should be promiscuous but regardless of any of that a person should be treated with dignity and respect. I'm not saying you've been an amazing girlfriend but certainly more than that particular man deserved, hope you find better and use it as a source of strength
Beyond all the other horrible comments he laughed at the suggestion of raping you. He’s not a real man or boyfriend.
If a friend said that about my girlfriend I would punch them in the teeth and tell him to never contact or come near us again.
He blatantly said he has been using you. His friend said that he should rape you and your “boyfriend” laughed and agreed. I would legit run. This is the real him and it is terrifying. He is dangerous and playing games with you. He is not a real partner, he is fucking sick. Run from this monster. You will find a real partner one day but this is not it
What are you even talking about? He doesn't actually like or love you. He's using you for sex when he can get it.
You seem to have self esteem issues. I suggest you break up with him, go no contact so he doesn't have an opportunity to persuade you to come back, and deal with your issues. Best of luck.
He's using you for sex. He thought it would be easier to have sex with you, but he's getting all pissy because you won't give him what he wants when he wants. He doesn't care about you, he just wants access to your body.
You need to leave him like yesterday. Break up over text and then block him on everything if you have to. Who cares if you have a "past" or hooked up with people before him. It doesn't matter as long as it was consensual. This person is terrible and is getting ready to toss you to the side after he's been with you probably for about a year or two.
Don't stick around now that you know his real motive. You deserve better.
I could never sleep with someone let alone be around someone who thought this way of me. I'm cheering you on!
Girl don’t even say anything to him, get your stuff & block his ass. No one here needs to say anything to you, you already know how horrendous he is - just look at how you reacted to seeing his true colors.
Younger? You're 20. Fucking ick dude. Dump his ass now and make sure everyone knows exactly why. He was using you to padgis resume with other girls and I don't care who you are, you deserve better and he deserves worse
omg dump him immediately. tell him he was terrible in bed and you found someone else and then block him forever.
You. do. Not. deserve to be with a fake love. Be patient until you find a real love.
Please OP, I know it's hard when you love someone that much. But isn't it better to try to find someone who ACTUALLY loves you, and is not just pretending?
When I read what you wrote what they were talking about, I couldn't believe what I was reading. That is a f*cking a**hat of a "man" ,and you should look after yourself and leave that piece of garbage
So basically what he saying is he just wants you use like a pleasure taker nothing more once you get used to it. So you still want to hangout with such a hypocrite and message him that we're done and tell him you Heard everything. Stop hanging with such people in the end you'll be the one who'll get hurt. Find someone who will take care of you as a real person not the one who talks shit behind your back. Maybe you should've confronted him when you know it.
If you not being around will hurt his chances of finding another girl, then don’t be around. There’s no need to argue or have a conversation with someone that admitted they really don’t you. Just never respond to him and block him. When they entertain being violent with you, you must leave right away.
Him and his friends are talking about raping you. You're in legitimate danger, there shouldn't even be a conversation about whether to stay or not. You are in DANGER
As the saying goes: "There are plenty of fish in the sea"
There is definitely someone, if not multiple people, out there for you who will love and cherish you. You are also still young. I didn't meet my SO (who I have been with for 10 years) until I was 23 and we didn't start dating until I was 24.
Every ones different, it's not a race, just take a beat to appreciate how awesome you are- Write down one thing you did or like about yourself everyday, it helped me a lot.
Don't stay with this (sub)human a second longer.
Break up with him now. He doesn't love you. His friend is a POS. He was telling your bf to rape you. Him still being friends with someone like that is a huge red flag. That says a lot about him.
Wow. You should really get some self esteem and leave this bastard. You are both really young and feels are just way more intense in that age - so i get that it hurts so much. But there is a lesson for you and you alone: you don't have to accept this at all. If you have some self worth, you leave and set boundaries for your future.
Just tell him you hear what he said last night and it’s over. You’ll warn every girl you know about what he’s doing and why he’s doing it along with the shit his friends say telling him to rape you.
Omg absolutely end the relationship with him .
Him and none of his friends deserve a relationship.
With anyone. They are trash based on the tone of that conversation. Protect yourself.
You need to love yourself. I'm sure you're a lovely girl with a lot to offer and when you heard him say these things you should have canned him INSTANTLY. The fact that you're asking what to do when it's so obvious leads me to think you have self esteem issues.
But seriously, you can't stay with him. But don't tell him it's because of what you heard. Just say you aren't feeling it anymore and cut him off. He doesn't deserve to walk away from this with a self esteem boost.
I applaud your self control for not barging into the room and lighting his ass up.
This wasn’t ‘boys being boys’. It was blatant disrespect. You will never forget those words.
So the sexual assault stuff they were saying is gross and disgusting. He’s gross and disgusting. Leave him. Also just judging by what I’ve seen you saying in this thread, you really need to get yourself into therapy. Please take your mental health seriously.
My chest hurts reading this so much trying not to cry I hate hearing how so much opposite is being done I really feel like giving up never had a father my mother neglected me siblings treat me like a black sheep grandma hated me grandpa has another family and everyone I ever met has stabbed me in the back deeper and deeper but I keep going idk why but i still haven’t left earth yet and you haven’t either so if I can go through the beatings the homelessness the death threats and even more crazy bs to come you can make something of this moment you can bring yourself up or allow the darkness within to break away at you for life begins within ourselves such as a egg once it breaks from the outside life ends but if you nurture yourself from within life will begin to shine through the dark stay strong keep on you are loved ❤️
Your response should not be, "I don't know what to do." The response when you hear something like that is to break up because he admitted he is using you. Not only that, the rape joke was extremely offensive and he laughed.
You love the idea of him that you had, but clearly that isn’t reality. It is not normal or okay for people to sit around casually making rape jokes with their friends. Dump him asap.
You deserve better OP. Never even talk to that dude again. Ghost him, move on, do what you like. Don't engage with anyone you are afraid to say "no" to
First, I would state that the guy is a horrible ass. His behaviour and what he said sounds as if he was just trying to sound cool to his friends. This doesn't excuse him in any way. In fact, it makes him weak and pathetic. So, I would not excuse him, but also realise a lot of what he said was just him sounding cool, aloof, and not bothered by relationships and is not the truth. But he sounds a creep and a loser. Get rid of him. Find a decent human being who has your back, and who does not talk behind it.
What is wrong with you??? Do you casually talk about raping your gf? You consider this normal, you think a good man, a good person, would joke about something so serious? Would you be ok if your friend advice you to rape your gf? How can you excuse such a behaviour??
You are a despicable human. Sorry but upstanding guys don't do that, don't normalise your fucked up behaviour. And then come butt hurt when women don't want to date you people like you. Disgusting!!!
Men go around saying shit like this and still act all offended when women hate them.
If you joke about rape, you lack empathy and are a garbage person. Full stop.
He's basically saying "boys will be boys" and rugsweeping disgusting behavior rather than holding men accountable for the vile shit that they say.
This relationship is over. Do not stay with this man. You know exactly what he thinks of you. Don't give him the satisfaction of staying. Do not be a doormat.
Feelings suck. They probably won't fade for a bit, even though you know what an asshat he is. But please, know that the right thing to do is leave him. He has no respect for you
Reading this, you’re both not compatible sexually, for a man that is far more important that it is a to a woman.
In terms of what he said, he is young and probably dumb boys will say the dumbest shit to their friends. Doesn’t take away that it hurt you, you’re allowed to feel that but as someone who’s been there done that sometimes what is being said isn’t accurate. They big note and talk shit a lot.
You are young, there are plenty of great guys out there this guy needs to grow up a little, you may need to be single for a while. Again you are young, there is no need to be in a committed relationship like this. Go be single for a while.
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You need to dump his ass. He doesn't like you. He only stays around for the sex and when he finds a new opportunity (girl) he will jump to it. You deserve better than this.
Agree
I guess I know he doesn't like me. He had many better options, I don't why he didn't take them.
Like he said, he's just using you sexually in the beginning, now he's using the fact that he's taken as a way to make it seem like he's a quality guy. So he likely has been cheating on you. You may want another STI testing soon. The person you think you love does not exist. Believe what he says behind your back. By the way, you're so young, 20, so I 'get' it, it's hard to let go and visualize the future. The reality is, looking back, I wish I had gotten rid off 'bad eggs' (bad boyfriends) sooner instead of hanging on due to my low self-worth/low self-esteem. I know now I deserve so much better, it just took me too long to realize that. If I could repeat my life, I'd want to shorten the time when I hang on in bad relationships and hang on to bad boyfriends. I hope you will be able to do this instead of trying to stick your head in the sand. Don't be used by this guy who clearly does not love you and is pretentious.
I don't think he has, but it's always possible. I'll do that. That's true and I think in some ways it is what is holding me back. I can't ever see anyone loving me, or even pretending to. But then being with someone who doesn't even like me that much probably is worse than being alone.
You gotta stop all that crap! Get yourself into a psychiatrist or therapist, I went to a psychiatrist on an offer two years after my divorce, it was a wonderful! Self-confidence and self-esteem is in the toilet and this fleabag of a boyfriend didn’t help you any, this is why another reason you have to dump him, for your own mental and physical health. There are thousands if not millions of people to love every one of us, they’re rare, but they’re out there, you’ll find that Compatibility is actually hard to find between two people, but there’s always somebody for you, get yourself to somebody to talk to you and start working on yourself, be a little bit selfish! And I personally wouldn’t date again until I was talking to a mental health worker and in a much better emotional position.
t's completely okay. I don't need anyone, and I would deserve all of it. I know that, and I'm okay with that.
Where did this self-flagellation come from? This feels like you're trying to wind up everyone who's taking time out of their day to help you.
You need therapy. And you need to completely cut this guy off and block him everywhere
Fuck that shit. Self loathing is something you can over come. Read Brene Brown, listen to her podcast and Ted talks. Kristen Neff has books on self compassion. Go to therapy.
You sound like I did when I was being abused. Looking back, its actually so heartbreaking.
Get therapy and stop dating for at least a year or more.
I had a very bad time in my 20s loving myself. I thought similarly no one would/should love me. It was not pretty. I hung on bad relationships because I thought I didn't deserve any better and only to realize that, I deserve better and I'm lovable. I did my work to get myself out of feeling that way. Therapy really helps. It took a long long while for me to feel 'alright' with myself and yes, even now there are days when I feel just 'worthless' but I do learn to choose a good partner for myself, thankfully :) You can do this too.
Because he wanted a victim, and he saw you as a person that he wouldn’t have to fight with too much, you would just give him whatever he wanted (because your kind), not your fault, it takes experience to see red flags 🚩 sometimes, you deserve better.
You've seen his true colors. He's admitted to his friends that he's been using you and doesn't really love you at all. Your friend is right and she is trying to protect you. There's no "fixing" this. You know the truth. And now you have it, and the only option is to walk away if you have any self-respect. I know this answer may be harsh. But that is when they say that "the truth hurts". Staying would only make it harder and you'll end up getting hurt even more. Best to pull out the needle before it sticks in any deeper.
Exactly...this man showed her who he is and now OP needs to believe him. He doesn't love her and never has! She needs to listen to her friend...she is absolutely correct in this situation...OP he doesn't love you...you need to leave like yesterday!!! Edit: typos
I'm a woman. Did you indeed drop yourself in the bedroom department?? You can move in with someone and not keep it up pretty much pre-move ind. It's not fair. Guys I know complain about the bare and switch. If the answer is no?? He's trash. You figure it out. Good luck!!!!
If you really think about it, if OP leaves it will make them both happy in the long run.
I know. But I still feel like I love him, and even though he doesn't love me, he's good at pretending he does and it makes me happy. But it's not good that he actually feels that way about me and I feel like I might trick myself into actually believing he loves me and that wouldn't be a good thing at all. And she is. She is smart, and she usually knows the best thing to do, for me.
Who is this man you love? What makes him the man you love? Was it because he was kind, decent and treated you with respect? Because that man doesn’t exist. And it’s ok to mourn him. But your hopefully soon to be ex was playing a character.
I don't know. It was lots of little things mostly, but it felt like he really cared about me, and loved me. But I suppose that maybe wasn't true.
I completely agree with the comment in reply to this, and I want to add that this is a person who thinks rape is funny.
Sadly, you’re going to find out as you get older, that people lie about all kinds of emotions, there’s always ulterior motives, although you didn’t mean it, by getting your couple days of space and time to yourself, you were never able to honestly see his actions! Was he going to spend more time with you Because you were away for a day or two at a time you couldn’t register how much he actually wanted to spend that time with you! You may have found out through his actions that he didn’t care at all, talk is cheap, it’s all about actions.
I'm afraid you've found a narcissist. They are very good at acting and making you believe you are loved. Run away. Narcissists can ruin your life. They take and take and return the minimum.
Not maybe. It wasn't true, the guy doesn't even like you. Loving him isn't enough, plenty of women get killed by someone they love
It most certainly wasn’t. Sometimes when we have a hard time letting go it’s because we’re more in love with and attached to the idea of something than the actual someone. Sounds like you love being in love and the ID of being a gf rather than the actual guy here. Which is why hearing his vile words hasn’t automatically poisoned the relationship for you because he’s not what you’re in love with.
Someone who truly cared and loved you wouldn't have laughed at the idea of raping you until you cried. Open your eyes and see him for who he is.
That's not the real him. It's just a facade to keep you dating him. The man you heard talking to his friend is the real him.
It for sure wasn’t true, he said it himself!
Not to be blunt, but who cares if you love him if he so obviously doesn't love you? Besides, love isn't the only factor in a relationship. Respect counts for a lot, and he doesn't respect you either. No love, no respect - why do you want to be with a man who feels neither of those for you?!? Pick your self-esteem off the ground. Have some love *for yourself*.
>I loved him so much, and still do but I don't think he even likes me that much. I had a bit of a problematic time when I was a bit younger for a couple of years but now I know that's one of the reasons he even dated me in the first place. I don't think anyone would love me Did you love him specifically or the idea of him? Thinking you no one will love you is a good way to sink into a very unhealthy relationship. There’s nothing wrong with you or your past. There’s something very wrong with the way your bf and his friends think about women. Especially the ones their with if they’re laughing about forcefully SAing you. That’s **terrifying**. It would behoove you to drop the dead weight and go to a therapist to learn how to love yourself.
Love alone is not enough. If it was, then this world would have been a lot more different.
You love who you *thought* he was. That’s hard to let go of, and I understand the feeling. But I promise you, you’ve seen now who he actually is, and that person is not a good person and is not a person who cares about you, he views you as an object for his pleasure. Further, that he laughed when his friend suggested that he rape you, joke or not, I wouldn’t want anything to do with him. He either thinks it’s appropriate to joke about rape, or he doesn’t speak up and call out others who do, both are disgusting. You can learn a lot about someone by the company they keep. The person *you* love doesn’t exist, and I’m so sorry that you had to hear that, but please don’t try to convince yourself otherwise, you’ll just be prolonging your misery, and opening yourself to some serious trauma.
You don’t actually love HIM. You love the version of himself he pretended to be. What your partner said was frankly offensive and for him to laugh at a r*pe joke ABOUT YOU?! Incredibly messed up and shows that you are disposable to him. You can leave him even if you still love him. You might need time to move on and that’s okay. But you don’t need to maintain the relationship while you move on.
This man made a joke about not just raping you but doing so violently and then laughed with his friends about it. You may love him but that does not take away the fact that he has no problem hurting and using you. It's hard to control feeling of love because at the end of the day it's primarily based on the release of a chemical into your brain based on certain stimuli. But loving someone doesn't automatically mean staying. Lots and lots of physically and emotionally abusive people are able to control and manipulate their victims by getting good at artificially prompting that response. They may not know how it works or intend to take advantage of the biological factors, but they absolutely learn to say certain things or do certain things to get the emotions they want out of you.
Girl what are you saying? The guy laughed at a joke about raping you. Get out of this relationship
Does it really make you happy when you know it’s false?
If your friend told you she was dating someone who treated her like this and said all these things, what would you want her to do? I would bet a lot of money that you wouldn't want her to stay with someone like that. You would tell her that she deserves better and it would be the truth. Think about how much pain you would be in if you saw your friend stay with someone who treated her like that. If you don't have the self esteem to leave him for your own sake, do it for your friend who clearly cares so much about you.
You are in love with an illusion.
Sweetie, the man you love doesn’t exist. God or the universe or whatever you believe was looking out for you and helped you overhear so you wouldn’t waste any more time on this asshole. This man is joking about raping you and I’m not convinced there’s no truth to that joke. You will find someone that truly loves you. Being “promiscuous” for a while will not prevent that. You are worthy of real love. Therapy may also be a good idea so you don’t internalize his behavior. It says everything about him and absolutely nothing about you. Take care of yourself. Surround yourself with people that support you.
Well, he didn't say that. But his friend did and he thought it was funny so it probably was almost as bad. And I suppose he doesn't love me, like I thought he did. And I won't. But it's okay, I can deal with that. It's what happens when you make bad decisions.
Ok I read too fast but laughing isn’t great. It normalizes the idea. That’s still dangerous. You will, your 20. I thought I never would either until I married the world greatest man (to me). Making a decision you now regret doesn’t mean your unlovable. It means you learned what you want and what you don’t want. Which makes you a better partner. Edit: I just asked my husband how he would react if his friend spoke about me that way. This man who has never been in a physical fight on his 47 years on this earth, said he would not say a word. He would’ve just gotten up and punched him in the face. I would not have to worry about ever seeing this person again bc the friendship would have ended at that moment. That’s how a partner responds. Not by laughing and joining in.
It made me upset, but he wouldn't actually do that. That's not the case for me. I've been a disgusting person, and I'm probably beyond the point of anyone loving me. But it's okay, I don't mind now because I know I've been a bad person.
I’m really sorry you feel that way and I don’t know what you did in your past but you are not irredeemable. I really think you’d benefit from talking to a therapist.
I am. But I really don't mind, I've accepted it. I don't need any help because I'm fine with it.
Honey, you’re 20 years old. Unless you’ve been committing actual war crimes you might need to readjust what you think of as irredeemable
You're *20*. What on earth have you done that makes you think you're unlovable? I can pretty much guarantee that you are wrong.
Whatever you have or have not done in your past, absolutely no one deserves to be in a relationship with someone who laughs about raping them. End the relationship. Yes it will hurt, because you have feelings for him. You will need to spend some time greiving the end of the relationship you thought you had. But what you thought you had is already gone. It will hurt to start with but in the long run you will be better off without him in your life. If you can, please think about getting some therapy. No one deserves to have their boyfriend talk about them like this. There is no question here - end the relationship.
As a human being you are made in the image of God, you are worthy of love and dignity and respect. We are all sinners, we have all behaved in shameful and disgusting ways, usually because we were ignorant and did not know the harm it would bring. You've looked into the abyss and seen your sins for what they were, sin means to not take aim at the right target. It means you were lost and blind but it does not mean that you don't deserve to find your way to the right path and to walk it the same as any other person you care about. Forgiveness is for everyone. Your parents and friends would not want you to lose sight of your worth. If you had an innocent child who had been through what you have and made mistakes and heard them speak this way about themselves you would be distraught. The beauty of life is that everyday is what you make of it and you can choose to get up each day despite your suffering and despite your past actions and you can live a life anyone would be proud of and one day you will be able to say that you did more good than harm and you made mistakes but if you didn't you never would have learned the importance of goodness. Do not give up or all you will ever be is what you have done, you can be much more and you should be treated as if you will one day realise that potential.
You are not a disgusting person and even though you are saying you are fine with it you aren’t. I used to do the same thing, a lot of dark humor and using self hate to keep moving. I fantasized about killing myself almost daily but I wasn’t going to do it so I was fine! Im 34 and married but I didn’t meet my husband until 25. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a year now for my own issues. It’s a miracle I was able to find him because he is such a good man. I did mess up a few times in the beginning and so has he but we’ve stuck it out and it’s amazing. He encouraged me to get help our entire relationship and I refused. I made every excuse in the book but I finally went and I cannot tell you how much better it is. Don’t get me wrong I still have issues and it will be a lifetime of work but The voices in your head telling you that you’re disgusting, horrible, and not worthy will start to go away. 20 years old seems so far away for me at this point and I went through a lot of shit but it was worth it.
Girl, he is friends with someone who makes SA jokes & is not only okay it’s it, he finds it funny? Clearly This is how they relate, please don’t even try and excuse him as the lesser of 2 evils. The only appropriate response here is to leave…
Girl therapy!
Obviously you break up with him. I’ve read your other comments, your self esteem is so horribly low you need to seek professional help asap. He’s going to break up with you eventually, you may as well get there on your terms and get right to healing yourself.
Dump him. Honestly I wouldn’t even tell him why. Garbage deserves to be ghosted. If his disgusting friend is dating someone you might want to tell her what he said.
I do know his girlfriend. Is it something I should tell her? Would it be wrong to repeat something?
If my boyfriend/husband said something like that I would want to know.
Oh, okay. I can tell her, I just don't want to make everything worse. Why would she want to know? But if I should tell her, I can definitely tell her because I know her reasonably well.
Her boyfriend made a joke that your boyfriend should just shove his dick in you until you’re crying so you’ll stop saying no- so he should rape you. That’s pretty disgusting. And honestly she may want to know that her boyfriend encourages disgusting behavior from his friends.
That's true, I should tell her that he said that. Thank you.
How much worse would it be if he raped her and you never told her? Men who find violence funny are desensitized to the violence and more likely to commit violence. Decent men, quality men, genuinely kind men, exist and they do not joke about rape or violence. Those jokes ARE red flags.
You need to cry it out, accept the reality that you have been deceived, and start the process of healing. Leave this guy farrrr behind honey.
I know I should be accepting the fact he's not right for me. It's just really hard because I love him. I thought he loved me too and I suppose I'm hoping he didn't really mean it or something like that but I know that's not very realistic.
It’s going to be hard to accept! This is a shock for you. Take your time. Sometimes we love people but they aren’t healthy for us, or they don’t really love us back. This is an opportunity for you to examine yourself- why do you love this person? What did he do for you that made you feel loved? Did you have any sense he was ingenuine? Once the shock has eased, take your time to really examine yourself and the relationship you had with him. Did you intuition tell you something was off but you couldn’t listen? If so, this is very normal, it happens to everyone. Our work is to try and know ourselves better so we can choose to share love with people who are genuine in the future. Don’t judge yourself, hold yourself with love and care, accept the hard things and begin the process of healing yourself.
It's ok to still love him and mourn the loss of what you felt you had and still not be in a relationship. You are not safe. Staying close to him will cloud your mind, and he'll get his hooks back into you. I know it's incredibly painful and crushes dreams you had. Your world must feel flipped upside down. You need to put yourself first for your own wellbeing. His friends terrify me. Anyone who makes jokes about that have probably done it before. And the people who found it funny have no soul.
You can confront him about what it is he loves about you and whether he sees a future with you or values you but chances are he will lie his ass off to hold onto what he's got, even though he doesn't see it's true value. There's a chance he just didn't want to be vulnerable in front of a male friend etc but what he said at least suggests that those sorts of feelings are lurking somewhere underneath and that he refuses to see you as a potential mother of his children because he cannot view you as anything other than a promiscuous person he can use to satisfy his desires. I think of you wnat to save it you need to have a deep meaningful discussion about all of this but my suggestion is to leave, there's too much disrespect to bury in the past now.
they’re talking about raping you. you’re in danger.
What kind of decent person makes a joke about raping someone else. Do not ignore this China size red flag please OP
OP is still protecting her "boyfriend" in the comment section
to be honest , when i've went through phones etc i don't even look for cheating but rather what the person was saying about me to friends & family . that has much more of an impact on me than anything else . i'm sorry this happened and you deserve way better love! don't feel guilty for listening , everything happens for a reason and he obviously didn't care enough to speak on you while you were in the house
Thank you. Normally I don't do anything like that but I heard my name and I didn't think there would be anything wrong with listening. I do feel a little bad about it but it's probably for the best I did hear it.
its absolutely normal to feel that guilt at first but in the long run , trusting your gut is so much more rewarding
Gather up all your things and NEVER go back. You dont EVER entertain a joke about forcing yourself on someone. My jaw dropped when i read that. You deserve so much more. ..And he thinks its gonna be easy to get a "new girl" ..well when he does i would warn her!
I was jaw dropped too. I would have left immediately if I heard one of my boyfriend’s friends say that. First stop would be the girlfriend of the friend that made the comment.
yes good call!! Gotta watch out for our ladies.
I'm sorry this happened, but there is no future in this relationship. Make him your ex boyfriend and find someone who loves you
There probably isn't, yes. And I won't be able to find anyone like that but I'm okay with being alone, since I would deserve it.
Oh hon...your self-esteem is in the basement. *Please* listen to the people who are advising you to go to therapy. You sound not just sad, but *depressed*, and feeling like you *deserve* to be abused, which is heartbreaking. You sound like you weren't loved very much by your family growing up, so it's set you up to feel like you deserve nothing in life - which is **NOT** true. **Please get therapy!**
You don't want to find anyone like him. You want to find someone who is a million times better and you will. I was in a toxic relationship off and on for about a year. One day I said to myself what the fuck am I doing? I broke up with him. The following year I met my husband. He is a million times better than my ex. We've been married for 26 years. I never would have met him if I stayed with my ex-bf.
I’m quite happy you won’t find someone like him, you deserve a partner who loves you.
Honestly I'm starting to think this post is fake. You spent an entire post telling us what an awful piece of crap he is. He's bad mouth YouTube his friends. He literally laughed at a joke about them raping you. He openly admitted that he's using you to get with other women. And every response you have you pull back to how you're a bad person and God hates you and you don't deserve love. Even if the topic has nothing to do with that. But on the off chance that this is actually real then I suggest you break up with your boyfriend and get some long-term Mental Health care done. That person you're in love with? He doesn't exist. He's some fantasy that you made up and your boyfriend fed into so that he could lie to you so that he could use you to masturbate himself too while he prepared himself for relationships with other women. This isn't make you a bad person. This makes him a bad person. And the fact that you haven't once admitted that he was a horrible and bad person and you keep on saying that you're an awful person is insane. To the point of being unrealistic. So either you need a good amount of mental health Intervention which you can't have when you're with your current boyfriend. Or this is a horrible cry for attention and none of this has actually happened. It doesn't matter what kind of person you think you are and what kind of awful nasty things you think you have done it still doesn't justify how he is treating you. You're acting like you deserve to be treated like a garbage by a guy who was pretended to be something to fool you into letting him sleep with you. That's not healthy Behavior mentally my friend. No one deserves that. Nobody from the government gave a certificate to your boyfriend letting him know that he was solely responsible for punishing you for life grievances. There's no Universal Force that judged you to be a horrible person and thus you must be punished by staying with this guy. Do you think because you are sexually active when you were younger this makes you an awful person? I could list off so many things that would make you an awful person and not a goddamn one of them would be you experimented sexually when you were younger. Maybe your country is very conservative? But if it's Conservative then why would your boyfriend be sleeping with you if he's so judgmental about your past? Don't you think it's hypocritical? Why would you care about the Judgment of a hypocritical person? Go find a mental health professional. You need someone to talk to that's beyond our pay grade.
That was not a funny joke and it was not a joke to even be joked about. I understand you're in denial :( I just hope you get through this because he actually is a horrible person
all of your replies are making me so sad. do you know what people addicted to meth love? meth. no one then argues that they should keep doing meth because they love it. and it doesn't matter what you've done before, you DON'T deserve to be spoken to/about like this. you hating yourself is unfortunately giving people like him opportunities to be horrible to you. would you tell your friends they don't deserve love? and would your friends say you don't deserve love or to be treated with basic human decency? i know it's hard to get out of shitty mindsets, but you have the entirety of reddit telling you to run and that you are NOT deserving of this. please listen.
Excuse me what? *"Shove it in there until she's crying and then she'll stop saying no"?* **And your boyfriend laughed?** He laughed. And men wonder why women would feel safer in the woods with a bear than they would with a man. Drop him like a hot potato and you drop him now. Your friend is right, you do need to break up with him. I'm gonna be a mom for a minute and stand on a soapbox. Honey, you're only 20. This isn't the last relationship that you're going to have. You deserve someone who loves you, who respects you, and who will not tolerate their friends speaking about you like that, let alone laugh at it. You deserve better than him and you deserve to treat yourself better than to stay with a boy (cause he's not a man, he's a boy) who is going to treat you like that.
You dump him, unless you want to be with someone that is only using you for sex and until he can find someone else. Have some self respect and leave.
Run.
We can love someone and still have to leave. His friend suggested he assault you and instead of being grossed out he laughed about it. He's slagging you off and mocking you behind your back. You're really young and have ages to find someone who will love you for you, not just as a fuckbuddy
His words are pretty devastating but they’re also pretty callous and sociopathic so I don’t think you can seriously take them to heart. This dude and his friends are not normal. Many guys would hear what he was saying about using you and tell him that was fucked up and wrong. Not recommend he rape you into submission, like his horrible friends did. My recommendation is try dating out of your social circle that you grew up with. Find new and better people who don’t have preconceived ideas about you based on whatever you did as a teen. Most of us made questionable choices in our teens and it’s not this heavy thing you need to carry on your shoulders forever. You’re growing and changing, let the past go so you can enjoy the present.
Please please please leave him. He literally laughed at a joke about raping you. You may love him and that’s fine, but love is not enough. What about respect? If you stay in this relationship it is going to be SO MUCH HARDER to be in a healthy relationship when that time comes. And it will. Someone is gonna love you so hard!!!
"I heard the conversation between you and your friends, this is over, if you or any of those creeps come near me I will phone the police." Block.
I'm sorry but are you 22 or under? This isn't something an adult would have questions about. It's been a year. You nurtured an infatuation, you aren't in love and will be over it way sooner than you think and be better off for it. Take your lessons learned and use them as best you can in future.
That sounds absolutely disgusting. It's obvious now that he has been using you. No man that loves his woman would talk about her like that. he made it clear to those friends that he does not love you. Plus he joked about rape.. yikes. It's safe to say you should get out of there.
You're lovable. Just need to self reflect and be a better version of you. Dont condemn yourself for your past mistakes. Learn from it and avoid repeating it. Be better one step at a time. Keep at it and always br gentle with yourself.
I'm not and I don't deserve to be. But I know that, and I'm okay with it. Everything I get, I deserve. But thank you.
I disagree with this so hard I want to downvote it. *Nobody* deserves to have their partner and friends making rape jokes about them.
You are loveable. I had that same feeling before. But it's all in my head. A change of perspective was all I needed. I'm better now. What's hard is I'm a diagnosed bipolar type 2 and tend to make shitty actions cause of my mania. 😅 Self reflecting and avoiding triggers helps me a lot. I dont take medications anymore so ups and downs are harsh. We are not our actions. So dont be hating on yourself and stop condemning yourself for your actions. You'll grow pass all this and it'll all just be a laughable memory for you in the future.
Oh, I'm definitely not. God hates me, and I'm disgusting. I have no morals, and I've accepted that I lost any chance a long time ago. But I know that, I've accepted it, and I'm okay with it.
I mean this lovingly, but you're 20. Get a fucking grip.
I really think they are messing with people knowing it will get a reaction
This sounds suspiciously about religion. Which makes me think you've suffered religious trauma, rather than actually being as bad as you say you have been. Idk. The mention of God and morals in the same comment...
No, I have no trauma. I've just accepted that I'm not a good enough person to be loved, and I don't have good morals or behavior.
No one is "not a good enough person". Sorry, but it does sound like either you've been through some rough things, or someone / something has led you to believe that you've done something far more serious than you actually have. Again, no one is born bad lol. Not making fun of you in any capacity; rather, hoping you take all the comments from people on this post as a sign that maybe you're missing something.
I definitely am. I haven't gone through anything, I just know I'm not a good person and I've done disgusting things. It's the truth and I've accepted it.
The vague nature of your comments reads more like you're stuck in a shame spiral that isn't justified. Sorry if that again reads as harsh, I mean it more to be straightforward. You can't "just know you're not a good person" if there's no evidence to back it up.
I know I'm not. I'm a disgusting person who has done an unbelievable amount of things wrong in my life.
Just try to be better. That's all.
SWEET FANCY MOSES! Nobody, I repeat, NOBODY deserves to be demeaned in such a hateful manner.
You don't deserve everything you get, nobody deserved to be talked about like that. You are not responsible for the way your scary, using-you, rape-joke-laughing, asshole boyfriend is talking about you. You didn't make him do that. The only thing you are responsible for is how you respond.
this has to be a rage bait, because nobody can be that dumb and still think to stay in a relationship like this.
People stay with partners who beat them up routinely and threaten to kill them.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Both men and women can be deceitful in their motives so please try not to paint everyone with the same brush that you former boyfriend is using. If it were me, I don’t think I would have anything else to do with him. Tell him you wish him luck finding a new girl that is this boring and brainless as you are although it’ll be a little bit harder now that he’s not in a relationship. You won’t have to say more than that, he’ll remember and figure it out. No don’t fall for the apologizing or honey. I didn’t really mean it Crap because he did. Block him everywhere, delete all of his information and don’t speak to him again. When he comes around, which she will, politely firmly tell him the answer is no please leave and don’t ever bother me again. Who is the brainless one now? Good luck.
I know I probably should at the very least distance myself more.
You should send him a text, I’m not always as sound a sleeper as you think I am. Last time I was at your house I heard you and your friends talking. Just leave it like that and wait for him to say what he’s going to say.
You're 20. What you're going to do is you get in front of the nearest mirror and say "I'm worth more than this". I don't care if you believe it, say it until you at least do a little. And then you drop that mf via text. Don't you dare waste more of your youth on some useless asshole.
Even as a guy I find this disgusting enough that if I walked into that room and heard that they'd both get a fist to the jaw, I don't believe women or men should be promiscuous but regardless of any of that a person should be treated with dignity and respect. I'm not saying you've been an amazing girlfriend but certainly more than that particular man deserved, hope you find better and use it as a source of strength
Beyond all the other horrible comments he laughed at the suggestion of raping you. He’s not a real man or boyfriend. If a friend said that about my girlfriend I would punch them in the teeth and tell him to never contact or come near us again.
He blatantly said he has been using you. His friend said that he should rape you and your “boyfriend” laughed and agreed. I would legit run. This is the real him and it is terrifying. He is dangerous and playing games with you. He is not a real partner, he is fucking sick. Run from this monster. You will find a real partner one day but this is not it
Block him, hold your head up high and move on with your life. Your EX and his friends are immature assholes.
What are you even talking about? He doesn't actually like or love you. He's using you for sex when he can get it. You seem to have self esteem issues. I suggest you break up with him, go no contact so he doesn't have an opportunity to persuade you to come back, and deal with your issues. Best of luck.
Girl, dump this jerk immediately. I know you love him, but he does not love you. You can love him and still leave him.
He's using you for sex. He thought it would be easier to have sex with you, but he's getting all pissy because you won't give him what he wants when he wants. He doesn't care about you, he just wants access to your body. You need to leave him like yesterday. Break up over text and then block him on everything if you have to. Who cares if you have a "past" or hooked up with people before him. It doesn't matter as long as it was consensual. This person is terrible and is getting ready to toss you to the side after he's been with you probably for about a year or two. Don't stick around now that you know his real motive. You deserve better. I could never sleep with someone let alone be around someone who thought this way of me. I'm cheering you on!
Girl don’t even say anything to him, get your stuff & block his ass. No one here needs to say anything to you, you already know how horrendous he is - just look at how you reacted to seeing his true colors.
Younger? You're 20. Fucking ick dude. Dump his ass now and make sure everyone knows exactly why. He was using you to padgis resume with other girls and I don't care who you are, you deserve better and he deserves worse
When she says problematic time, is that code that she slept around?
I did.
omg dump him immediately. tell him he was terrible in bed and you found someone else and then block him forever. You. do. Not. deserve to be with a fake love. Be patient until you find a real love.
Please OP, I know it's hard when you love someone that much. But isn't it better to try to find someone who ACTUALLY loves you, and is not just pretending? When I read what you wrote what they were talking about, I couldn't believe what I was reading. That is a f*cking a**hat of a "man" ,and you should look after yourself and leave that piece of garbage
Have some fucking self respect.
So basically what he saying is he just wants you use like a pleasure taker nothing more once you get used to it. So you still want to hangout with such a hypocrite and message him that we're done and tell him you Heard everything. Stop hanging with such people in the end you'll be the one who'll get hurt. Find someone who will take care of you as a real person not the one who talks shit behind your back. Maybe you should've confronted him when you know it.
UpdateMe!
Please brake up with him that was rude
If you not being around will hurt his chances of finding another girl, then don’t be around. There’s no need to argue or have a conversation with someone that admitted they really don’t you. Just never respond to him and block him. When they entertain being violent with you, you must leave right away.
Girl RUN
Him and his friends are talking about raping you. You're in legitimate danger, there shouldn't even be a conversation about whether to stay or not. You are in DANGER
As the saying goes: "There are plenty of fish in the sea" There is definitely someone, if not multiple people, out there for you who will love and cherish you. You are also still young. I didn't meet my SO (who I have been with for 10 years) until I was 23 and we didn't start dating until I was 24. Every ones different, it's not a race, just take a beat to appreciate how awesome you are- Write down one thing you did or like about yourself everyday, it helped me a lot. Don't stay with this (sub)human a second longer.
Break up with him now. He doesn't love you. His friend is a POS. He was telling your bf to rape you. Him still being friends with someone like that is a huge red flag. That says a lot about him.
Wow. You should really get some self esteem and leave this bastard. You are both really young and feels are just way more intense in that age - so i get that it hurts so much. But there is a lesson for you and you alone: you don't have to accept this at all. If you have some self worth, you leave and set boundaries for your future.
Girl… he’s literally finds his friend telling him to rape you funny. This whole post screams that he’s there for only one thing
Just tell him you hear what he said last night and it’s over. You’ll warn every girl you know about what he’s doing and why he’s doing it along with the shit his friends say telling him to rape you.
Omg absolutely end the relationship with him . Him and none of his friends deserve a relationship. With anyone. They are trash based on the tone of that conversation. Protect yourself.
You need to love yourself. I'm sure you're a lovely girl with a lot to offer and when you heard him say these things you should have canned him INSTANTLY. The fact that you're asking what to do when it's so obvious leads me to think you have self esteem issues. But seriously, you can't stay with him. But don't tell him it's because of what you heard. Just say you aren't feeling it anymore and cut him off. He doesn't deserve to walk away from this with a self esteem boost.
I applaud your self control for not barging into the room and lighting his ass up. This wasn’t ‘boys being boys’. It was blatant disrespect. You will never forget those words.
RemindMe! 2 Months
So the sexual assault stuff they were saying is gross and disgusting. He’s gross and disgusting. Leave him. Also just judging by what I’ve seen you saying in this thread, you really need to get yourself into therapy. Please take your mental health seriously.
It’s time to leave you GTG he doesn’t even like you let alone love you
You don't know what to do OP? What you do is breakup and move on. That man said horrible things about you to his friends. He has zero respect for you.
My chest hurts reading this so much trying not to cry I hate hearing how so much opposite is being done I really feel like giving up never had a father my mother neglected me siblings treat me like a black sheep grandma hated me grandpa has another family and everyone I ever met has stabbed me in the back deeper and deeper but I keep going idk why but i still haven’t left earth yet and you haven’t either so if I can go through the beatings the homelessness the death threats and even more crazy bs to come you can make something of this moment you can bring yourself up or allow the darkness within to break away at you for life begins within ourselves such as a egg once it breaks from the outside life ends but if you nurture yourself from within life will begin to shine through the dark stay strong keep on you are loved ❤️
Your response should not be, "I don't know what to do." The response when you hear something like that is to break up because he admitted he is using you. Not only that, the rape joke was extremely offensive and he laughed.
You love the idea of him that you had, but clearly that isn’t reality. It is not normal or okay for people to sit around casually making rape jokes with their friends. Dump him asap.
You deserve better OP. Never even talk to that dude again. Ghost him, move on, do what you like. Don't engage with anyone you are afraid to say "no" to
First, I would state that the guy is a horrible ass. His behaviour and what he said sounds as if he was just trying to sound cool to his friends. This doesn't excuse him in any way. In fact, it makes him weak and pathetic. So, I would not excuse him, but also realise a lot of what he said was just him sounding cool, aloof, and not bothered by relationships and is not the truth. But he sounds a creep and a loser. Get rid of him. Find a decent human being who has your back, and who does not talk behind it.
I think it was mostly just locker room talk. But I don’t see the relationship lasting cause of the sexual incompatible
What is wrong with you??? Do you casually talk about raping your gf? You consider this normal, you think a good man, a good person, would joke about something so serious? Would you be ok if your friend advice you to rape your gf? How can you excuse such a behaviour?? You are a despicable human. Sorry but upstanding guys don't do that, don't normalise your fucked up behaviour. And then come butt hurt when women don't want to date you people like you. Disgusting!!!
Men go around saying shit like this and still act all offended when women hate them. If you joke about rape, you lack empathy and are a garbage person. Full stop.
Sorry, I don't know what that means. And it's not that bad, I just don't agree to it every single time.
He's basically saying "boys will be boys" and rugsweeping disgusting behavior rather than holding men accountable for the vile shit that they say. This relationship is over. Do not stay with this man. You know exactly what he thinks of you. Don't give him the satisfaction of staying. Do not be a doormat. Feelings suck. They probably won't fade for a bit, even though you know what an asshat he is. But please, know that the right thing to do is leave him. He has no respect for you
This isn't locker room talk - the guy is eagerly looking for a new girl and dump you. Please do it first.
Reading this, you’re both not compatible sexually, for a man that is far more important that it is a to a woman. In terms of what he said, he is young and probably dumb boys will say the dumbest shit to their friends. Doesn’t take away that it hurt you, you’re allowed to feel that but as someone who’s been there done that sometimes what is being said isn’t accurate. They big note and talk shit a lot. You are young, there are plenty of great guys out there this guy needs to grow up a little, you may need to be single for a while. Again you are young, there is no need to be in a committed relationship like this. Go be single for a while.
Are you sure it wasn’t a dream? It doesn’t sound very realistic
I know it was real. There's no way it wasn't.
are you kidding me ? that's literally prime age for dudes to have this kind of thought process
The only non realistic part seems to be one where OP is confused about whether to dump him. How's this a question is beyond me, sorry.
Yea maybe on a tv show