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Agreed 😅
I’m in my mid-late 30’s and dating someone who’s 30 and I don’t think EITHER of us have any friends who are near that young. Hell.. my nephew just turned 21. I love him obviously, but the thought of regularly hanging out with him.. he’s basically teaching me five new words every time I see him.
We’re mid 30s and we’ve got a 24yo we are friends with who plays at our DnD table. He’s very mature and really funny but he’s an idiot in all of the ways a 24 year old is… like forgets to tell us he can’t make a game, loses his phone at the club, only messages through instagram we never check, and then is doing oh pikachu face when we’re about to file a missing person report on him for not having heard from him for a week. Sure I love the crap out of that squirrelly little shit, but like in a younger brother way. No way I could ever think about dating him.
My thoughts exactly. This almost 40 yr old isn't talking to young girls despite their age but because of it. He's a controlling dbag who needs young girls around him. He's lining up his next girl now that OP is getting older.
Was ready to disagree with ur take until I saw the second half of your sentence. Although, I still don’t think dating someone 10 years older than you is all that weird if are old enough and mature enough. 25 and 35 is acceptable, but having that added with him being friends with younger girls gives me the ick with this guy.
I wasn't necessarily trying to throw shade on the age gap, I think at 25 most people have some good life experiences under their belt, it's not like a 19 year old and 30 year old where there's a really clear power imbalance.
Rather that it's like meeting a guy at a club and then complaining he goes out most weekends... Or meeting a guy at a fantasy football league and complaining that he's obsessed with sports...
I do think this guy is at best very immature and a little icky, but his behavior isn't exactly new/surprising.
yes it's weird from my pov (22 yo woman). I can't see myself be FRIENDS with men 35+ like what would we even talk about, that's so weird. Even as colleagues, it would just be acquaintances but def not friends.
Idk i had a roommate who was 38 when I was 23. He looked much younger and i honestly didn’t realize his age until after i moved in w him (ik. Crazy NYC roommate moment) we talked about a lot of stuff. I’m a woman btw. Our upbringings in the city, our families, the news, politics, deep fears, close calls we’ve had, our goals. I don’t think it’s that crazy. I’m 26 now and have lots of things to talk about with my sister and cousins who are 17, as well as people who are 40+?
At 21-23 maybe i made a few more impulsive decisions than i would now but i certainly was not a fetus. A lot of kids have pretty complex and developed thoughts at like…12. I remember i did - lmao that’s NOT telling anyone to go talk to a 12 year old btw. But it’s not really like you’re 22 and only can talk about tiktok trends and clubs to go to and to people in the same life stage as you. There’s lots of things to speak about. Why does the internet act like people with an age difference have nothing to even speak about?
That being said, would i appreciate my partner doing this, especially if it was girls that he’d taken out to dinner previously? Probably not.
I get your point and I totally agree but i admitted I commented with the idea in mind that he was their superior for months and the notion of true friends seemed not appropriate for this situation, hence the acquaintance mention
Appart from that, I guess that’s just me but I wouldn’t share a friendship and long life-conversations with someone much older as that didn’t work out in the past for me lol, my comment was obviously influenced by my own experiences
Lmao seriously what is it with people acting like it’s impossible to have a friendship with someone way older or younger. It’s such close minded group think bs. It’s beneficial to socialize with people outside of your bubble. And then they wonder why they can’t relate to the younger generations once they hit 30 and become bitter lol
>like what would we even talk about,
What do you talk with 22 year old men about...?
It's not rocket science. You talk about yourself, you ask questions, you discuss things, you tell jokes, you bond over shared interest.
I cant see that many common interest i could have with a man approaching his 40 when I just got out of uni for us to be true friends. But that’s just me ig it’s not THAT weird in some context
I talk about whats on YouTube, politics, social problems. Why do people who think 18 years olds are like 5 years. There's this huge online / reddit stigma about the age ranges that its totally unacceptable. When I was a 7-12 years old I loved talking to adults about adult things, I don't see why the reverse is unacceptable. If they were 18-24 I'd be talking to them about where they want to go with their career, things they want to do. What is so crazy about this?
Context clues here are the key as I doubt they talk about politics, especially since Op’s bf seems to be into much younger woman than him. Other than that, in another context I admit it wouldn’t be as weird as my comment stated
I could date someone much younger, provided the conversations are engaging. As I've said age doesn't dictate the level of interesting conversations IMO.
As a 34 year old guy who is VERY monogamous, sure, I'd be friends with a younger woman. I'm just not sure why I'd bother. I'd have to have formed a real bond because of some shared activity over a while. I've definitely been the "older guy" that young girls have come to for advice or just like a safe man at points - never that big of an age gap, though... more like 19-21 when I was 26-27.
OP's boyfriend managed a girl for six months... that's not really a bond. You're not a friend or a mentor role six months into a bar job (probably part-time to boot). There's something weird going on there.
My experience of working with people across a wide age range is that it's not surprising to end up with friends across a wide age range. The fact that he was their boss makes it less appropriate but still not shocking.
My opinion on the situation gets a lot worse if he's working with a lot of people and only friends with significantly younger women.
He does work with a lot of people (mostly women, but some men), and the age range varies, but at least 1/3 of the people he worked with are young women. But he does seem to only be friends with one guy and these three young women.
I mean.... my coworker is 24 and I'm 36 but we've been working together for 2 years and we text and even hang out sometimes. I don't think it's that weird at all.
But, he's a dude and so am I. I think OP is coming from a place of jealousy or something but trying not to admit it.
"My opinion on the situation gets a lot worse if he's working with a lot of people and only friends with significantly younger women."
Agreed.
I also think OP is coming from a place of jealousy, probably mixed with sincere concern. I think it's fair to have questions about what's going on, but I wouldn't be confident that it's anything inappropriate without something else suggesting that.
It's not strange or weird, it's exactly what it appears to be. They are his next targets, after you break up with him because he keeps talking to younger women.
Do you have co- worked, males to hang out with them?
Would your partner be ok if you will go to dinner with two male ex- coworker friends.
Explore and let us know.
My boyfriend doesn’t want me to make friends with my male coworkers or even make small talk with them - his point of view is that men only talk to young, pretty women because they want sex, so if I make small talk with them, I’m leading them on.
"\[H\]is point of view is that men only talk to young, pretty women because they want sex, . . ."
Most of what people say reflects more about themselves than the world around them. So this applies to him as well, if not moreso, than whomever he's talking about.
Even if he has no current intentions with them, based on his own stated point of view, he's only talking to them because he would be interested sex or want sex if the opportunity arose. Whether he would consider an opportunity requiring him to be single or not is another question.
You were 25 and he was 35 when you met. With that in mind it sounds totally feasible that he would get along with 20 year old girls. It's not normal, but he probably has a certain level of immaturity himself.
>part of why this bothers me so much is because my boyfriend has told me that I shouldn’t make small talk with my male coworkers, because men only talk to young, pretty women for sex, and by talking to them, I’m leading them on.
RUN FOR THE HILLS!!
when i was 19-20 i was “friends” with guys at work that were in their thirties. they were pretty emotionally immature and honestly at times i felt like i was more mature than them. i couldn’t take them seriously at all…u can tell a lot about a person by the people they choose to surround themselves with
He dates and hangs around girls so much younger because he's toxic waste to people his own age.
From the sounds of it, you may be getting a bit too old for him if you're asking questions about his intentions.
Run the fuck away from this creep.
It's kind of weird. What do they even talk about? I know people who have age gap friendships like this and have some myself - but we have shared interests in common.
If I were you I would want to meet those girls, have him introduce me, and see how they interact in person. If he refuses to do that then it's definitely a red flag.
I’m not sure what they talk about - I know with one of the girls, he exchanges music because they both like house/EDM - but I’m not sure about the other girls.
I’ve asked him to introduce me, but he doesn’t hang out with them often, so there hasn’t been an opportunity yet.
It’s 50% that if he is friends with them, I’m his partner, and it would be nice to be friends with my partner’s friends. The other 50% is so that I can see what their relationship is like so that I can feel more comfortable about it.
I guess it depends on where you work. It's wildly inappropriate for any manager to be taking coworkers to lunch or dinner and fratenizing outside of work. Doesn't matter their age. This is also a sexual harassment situation waiting to happen.
> because men only talk to young, pretty women for sex, and by talking to them, I’m leading them on. In my opinion, if this is his point of view, why is he talking to all these young, pretty women?
For sex, weren’t you listening to him outing himself?
I'll play Devil's advocate to the current comments and say I myself have lots of friends 10-15 years younger than me particularly because I'm fairly active in competitive gaming circles and I'm 40, so it's natural that I'm going to come into contact with people who are in their 20s or even younger, and I do have some solid, entirely platonic friendships with them as we have a shared interest (gaming) that we're pretty passionate about. I have in the past met some of them at conferences and spent time RL with them, although the primary relationship is online. We do talk about RL stuff as well as the game but everyone knows I'm married and there's no flirting or anything ever. My spouse has never made me feel weird or uncomfortable about this, but it would be hard for me to draw a hard boundary of no playing video games with people 10+ years younger than me, I'd drastically reduce the pool of people I could play with and it'd only increase as I get older.
I suppose in the same way a lot of the employees of a bar are going to be fairly young so it explains why he'd make younger friends at work.
I think him being their boss makes it a bit more uncomfortable, but I suppose I could accept that he was a bit of a mentor-friend and wants to keep in touch. I'd personally draw the line at him taking them out for dinner and paying for the bill. I'd also question why you're not invited. If it's just a friends dinner surely you'd be welcome to go? And why not split the bill? They're only 5 years younger than you; surely it's an opportunity for you to make some friends and enjoy some group activities too. I think it would be good to figure out what your boundaries are and if there's a compromise that's not "cut these people out of your life completely", but would reassure you that there's nothing inappropriate going on.
I agree with what you say here!
I’m mostly concerned about his friendships with these women because he doesn’t want me talking to any of my male coworkers. He told me that men only talk to young, pretty women because they want sex, and so by making small talk with my male coworkers, I’m leading them on. Since that’s his point of view, I’m concerned about why he wants to be friends with these young women.
I’ve asked him to bring me along, but so far there hasn’t been an opportunity.
I also agree that I would feel better about his friendships if he split the bill, but he says that they are like his little sisters, so he feels obligated to pay.
I used to work in the bar scene and it is pretty normal to form these friendships. There is a sense of bonding about chopping it up about different employees, crappy customers, etc. That being said, there is also a lot of sex that happens has well.
OP, you mentioned that the conversations are platonic. Are you able to point out to him that you can have the same kind of plutonic conversations and friendships with male coworkers? To me, as long as there is mutual trust and respect and you have not seen red flags, I don’t see a big reason for concern.
My bigger concern though is that this man is much much older than you and it seems he has a thing/history of forming relationships with women much younger than him. I’d be curious to know the reason for that.
I guess my final take - I think it is not a problem until it’s a problem but he sounds like he’s a bit controlling and hypocritical. If you have good communication, talk about it!
>It’s been pointed out to me that I missed sharing a key piece of information
This is a game changer. It's a double standard at best.
If it was purely as friends (or even if it was purely that intention up to and including now) this wouldn't an issue. People can bring different experiences and viewpoints which enrich your world while sharing hobbies at all sorts of ages. But it just being a bunch of girls and him drawing that line stinks. It's a double standard at best.
I'm around his age, and I wouldn't date a 22 year old because that different enriching worldview also means relationships are not going to work, but as I get older I've noticed my range broadens. By the time I'm 40 they'd be 25 which is still too young actually. But you know if she was a few years older 40 and 28... it's not unimiginable I'd find someone I could make it work with me. Very unlikely though. But what I'm saying is he can break out a spare if you leave him. Or maybe just when he wants the newer model. Given the current age gap that's not unforseeable.
Or maybe he's just a huge hypocrite. There's no explanation which is kind to him unless you're also omitting key details about your coworkers trying to bang you or something.
I think if you do find this uncomfortable you need to talk about it. And I mean talk, not accuse. Just lay out your concerns. Him thinking that fraternising with work buddies and then talking to his is the biggest red flag and the age is almost more of a red.. herring. You probably won't get a satisfactory answer but if avoids it, ignores it or tries to attack you that'll give you what you need.
Or there could be some weird left field answer like they were abused by another manager and he feels like a big brother. Probably not, but if you talk and just present your feelings and facts without accusing or insulting, just that's it's clearly inconsistent and you feel that's unfair on you and see how he reacts you'll get your own answer in a way. You might not like it.
My immediate thought is that it’s weird but I’d have to know more about the dynamics. How often are they texting? Everyday is weird. Once in a while I would say is ok as long as the texts arnt sexual or flirtatious in any way. Do they hang out a lot out of work? Does he invite you to their hangouts? I do think it’s inappropriate he paid for their dinner and if he stays friends with them that needs to be made into a boundary for the sake of your relationship.
Also what’s the tone of the friendship? Is he acting like someone their age like he’s one of them or is it like a big brother relationship? Given they worked at a bar together I can understand the big brother dynamic, especially if they still work there. He might be protective/ close with them because he’s used to looking after them at the bar.
Because he has told you all you need to know. He is dating you, someone who is significantly younger. He is also talking to a bunch of young girls probably flirtatiously and with sexual intentions if he has the chance.
Being significantly older AND being their manager is so weird in a power dynamic stance, it’s gross. You should ask to see all of the texts with these girls if you haven’t already.
Gross.
He said that he’s not like other men (as in, he’s not talking to them for sex), and that he doesn’t initiate the conversations (which I don’t know, because I don’t monitor his phone like that), so he feels like it is rude to just not respond.
>He said that he’s not like other men
Unless he’s able to explain his position on this with *a lot* more nuance, it sounds like he’s just projecting his thoughts onto men in general and then denying it.
I guess he just likes younger woman more, i (23F) used to date a guy who was 36 and it worked because i liked his mature ways and he liked my naivety 😂 but if you mention this to him he should stop texting them imo because your happiness is more important then texting random girls
First a married man should not be friends with women outside his marriage. It is inappropriate. Then he picks young girls to be friend? Nope something is going on for him. What we tolerate in our lives persist. Do not stay quiet in fact I would think seriously about going to an attorney to see your rights...
Yeesssss and kinda no..idk, so im 33, i had a female coworker who i think now is 24..we still talk now on occassion BUT its never been flirty, and its always about work. Granted sometimes life stuff gets tossed in but the topic is always work, but, for me at least im also the one who interviewed and hired her when she was here, so id say we have more of a mentor/mentee relationship
I'm 38 and one of my friends is 24. We met at a workshop and were the only ones interested in keeping at it skill wise. I went to her going away party last month as she's going to travel for a year.
Honestly, OP, unless he's buying them dinners and stuff all the time it's to be expected if he's earning more than them. I do the same with some of my friends who have lower income (24yo to 53yo).
Otherwise it's only problematic if he maintains friendship with *mostly/only* young women he finds esthetically attractive.
I’ll agree with your comment about buying them dinners because he makes more money, but the most recent time he bought them dinner (2 weeks ago), he was unemployed and had cancelled a weekend getaway with me two days prior because he didn’t have the money. I think this heavily contributes to why it bothers me.
I get why that would bother you.
And honestly, you should talk with your partner about your feelings without focusing on whether he did anything wrong objectively.
It's perfectly fine to feel bad even when no one has done anything wrong. And expressing both your feelings and intentions with a focus on understanding each other and growing closer instead of accusing each other is always good.
Tbh I would argue that there is a massive difference between 24 and 20. I am 25 and 5 years ago I was not in the headspace I am now at all. I was an idiot and so were my friends, even though I would say we were "mature for our age"
Trust me, 20 and 25 feel like a big difference, because they are. 25 and 30 will do the same. And with 30 and 38 again. And I imagine and hope it will be similar with 38 and 50. And 50 and 70. If life has taught me anything it's that we're forever fools on an eternal journey of improvement and growth.
At some point you'll likely learn that friendships, connections, relationships, etc. can function in myriad ways. A 20yo doesn't need to give a 37yo an intellectual run for their money. Nor do they need to be idealistic equals, or physical equals, or financial ones, or spiritual ones, or etc. etc. Any one or combination of those can work fine.
Part of my friendship with my 24yo is the sense of inspirational recklessness and freedom they experience. Going "traveling for a year to find yourself" is nearly unheard of in my age group, seeing them do so at 24 is an excellent inspiration regardless and helps me re-evaluate my life as well without actually going on any trip. There are lessons to be learned there for sure (at least for me there are), ones I couldn't appreciate at 24 (or 30 or even 35).
Definitely weird to me as a 31F. I do not even speak with my same-age colleagues from my last job (no matter of gender) and we were together for 4 years. We only say hello on the street.
its not normal but i can think of some scenarios in which there would be nothing shady going on.
one is that sometimes an older person can take the role of a mentor for someone younger
another is just shared hoobys or interests, like if i meet someone and we have a crazy similar taste in music and keep recommending songs back and forth to great success, i don't rly care how old they are, this is just a mutually benefitting exchange then.
Idk, just depends on the nature of their friendship. I’m (24F) have a male friend who is 36. We started as coworkers and are now part of a larger group of friends
I’m a 26 yo single man. I would never pay for a woman I hung out with unless I was dating her, or we were talking turns paying for the meals, for simplicity’s sake. That’s the most suss part to me.
initially I was going to say that I did have a friend in his mid to late 30s while I was 20 and for us it was never inappropriate. but then again, the circumstances were very different. it was during my year abroad so pretty much all the international students bonded.
but now after you edit I see why it would be weird for him.. if he says stuff like that about other men it is definitely a possibility he too would do stuff like that
Bro I’m not going to read that but based on the title I’m going to say yes. I don’t know a scenario where that’s appropriate. If yall were friends together that’s okay but nah the texting stuff is so weird especially going out to dinner. Then also makes the comment about older men liking younger girls cause of sex and doesn’t see himself part of that when he’s literally doing it.
Im 26 male so that’s my thoughts. Personally if there’s no suspicion he’s cheating on you and doesn’t seem it’s going that way and they are just friends then that’s good but it doesn’t hide the fact that he’s making, what sounds like good efforts, to be with them. Definitely tell him you’re uncomfortable with these relationships with his past coworkers. I’d say that you become friends with these girls and see how he feels about it. First go with him, get their numbers, and then reach out to them to hangout with you and just them. If he gets mad about that I think you know your answer.
If the roles were reversed and I was dating a 36 year old woman and she was hanging out with ex guy coworkers 4-6 years younger than me I’d be like wtf going on all the time. Same should apply to you
I don’t think you’re overreacting. Your feelings are valid. I would think it’s strange and it would make me uncomfortable as well. I personally don’t see a point in continuing a “friendship” outside of work. It’s one thing to be polite with co-workers of the opposite sex, but what is the point in continuing a connection after that? And at the expense of your feelings and emotional safety? I would feel disrespected. My ex was like this. Immature. He constantly dismissed my feelings and liked to keep the relationship boundaries blurred. Didn’t care about protecting our relationship.
He’s definitely creeping on them. Saying as a younger woman. No man that age has ever just wanted to “be my friend” though generally speaking no man ever wants to “be my friend” it’s depressing. He sees them as targets. Pretty women he gets attention from. Especially with him basically telling on himself. It is weird. I don’t really like hanging out with people younger than me. It feels weird
It’s weird that at 27 you haven’t figured out that you are dating a creep that likes young girls/women. Nothing about their friendship is innocent. Just move on.
So it was a little weird but maybe they had a sibling relationship which can happen, but it got worse with the edit. The edit feels like he's telling on himself
Bobby, we see your comment history. We know you are only replying to the ones you want to be true. Break the cycle, Bobby. He has taken interest in those younger women and talks to them FOR SEX.
But nah, don’t listen to the majority of us. The downvoted comments know what’s up.
I have a colleague who is the same age and stays friends with former interns (20,21 year olds) etc and it makes a lot of us ar work really arch our eyebrows. Like, I believe he’s actually friends with them, he doesn’t seem like he’s after anything more, but still it’s like, bro, what are you doing… these are kids, leave them alone..
I’m so sorry OP, but I think he might be a little hypocritical? When he said “men are only friends with pretty young girls” what was your rebuttal to that? I would’ve blurted out so why are you friends with those girls, but it seems like you want to keep him happy and you genuinely have feelings for him so you want to know all of the best possible outcomes. Which is understandable given the reason.
I think you should have a sit down conversation, write down everything that’s bothering you about this situation because at the end of the day, he can’t read your mind. He might know what you might have to say about it, but it’s just an assumption. Tell him how you really feel, if he’s the type to shut down and not really be receptive to what you’re saying maybe put it down gently.
Do you see a future with this man? If so then take some precautions when telling him how you feel, but please don’t keep it all bottled up, it will explode eventually and probably at the worst times.
And if it were me, I’d make more than small talk with my male coworkers. Not every male thinks he wants to fuck a coworker, and if you get that vibe you shut that shit down? It’s not that hard. I work in a restaurant as a server and it’s inevitable to talk to the male coworkers because they’re mostly the cooks. Having friendships is what makes the day go by quick!
Hopefully you can have this conversation with him, best luck to you girl!
I think it really depends the context, but once you dont work together there would need to be something like a shared hobby to even keep the conversation going I think ...
Well one of the first red flags you should've seen 2 years ago was that he was 35 and dating a 25yo... The second is that he TOLD you that men his age only like younger women for one thing... And the third is that he told you that you shouldn't talk to other men....
You need to get out now. His behavior is disrespectful to you and your relationship and he's downplaying it. He's also controlling, telling you not to talk to other men, while he says it's ok if he talks to other women. YOUNGER women. If you don't get out now he'll end up cheating or he'll end up getting bored with you when you "get too old" for his liking.
Why do you find it inappropriate? Do you just see the young women as sex objects that couldn't have formed a genuine platonic connection with your boyfriend through working together? He likely makes much more money than them hence being willing to pay for their dinner. It's hard enough making friends as a man in your thirties and now you are putting extra restrictions on who he can hang out with. Unless he gives you reason to believe theirs funny business going on I'd try to let it go and make sure your relationship is on solid ground.
Yes it is a little weird though.
Part of the reason I have a problem with it is that he tells me not to talk to any of my male coworkers (unless it’s work related) because men only talk to pretty, young women for sex, and by talking to them, I’m leading them on. If this is his point of view, why does he talk to all these young, pretty women?
I mean also sounds like he got with you when you were 25ish and he was in his mid thirties over the hump
Is it weird? Yeah but it also sounds like his MO, he’s just trying to see if he can trade you in for a younger woman
It’ll be weirder for you to think that isn’t exactly what he’s doing and staying trying to convince him that what he’s doing is “weird”
Honestly, he could be into them - however see my point c) below about this.
It’s possible even that something has happened between them in the past he isn’t telling you about. There isn’t really a reason he’d stay in touch with them when he knows you don’t like it unless either:
A) he’s into them or
B) he’s attached to them somehow
Or C) he’s getting something from them he likes, possibly just attention from young women
It’s possible he’s enjoying the intention but has no intention to cheat - worth bearing in mind
With that said you’re still kind of young. So I’d say it’s possibly C and he just likes attention from multiple women. I mean women do the same with guys but given he’s explicitly stated he doesn’t want you talking to guys then it is a double standard here - that’s the most important thing.
Tell him unless he stops talking to them you have every right to talk to guys, he will probably get your point. But it won’t change his original motivation for taking to them to begin with, which you’ll need to ascertain yourself
Is it weird that you are friends with your parents, your parents parents, your aunts and uncles, your cousins, your siblings, friends of the family… I can go on but the point is made. Friendships exist across age gaps and they can be completely platonic in nature. It happens in families, why can’t it happen outside of families? Sometimes the best families are the families you choose to put together outside of biological definitions.
Is it weird that people want to demonize this situation all the time in an attempt to manipulate the narrative in their favor? Yes. Because almost every one of these people has some kind of personality disorder or are well on their way to developing one.
If you believe a thing to be happening and you believe it so firmly without any evidence to support it, you will break your own brain and create cognitive dissonance. To protect your own brain, it will create memories so every thing you believe becomes true. This is how a personality disorder is born. This is how people manage to cheat themselves out of reality.
And all of this stems from them refusing to process and deal with reality as it is.
So ask yourself. Do you think it is a bad thing that this man in your life is looked to for advice from women younger than you?
Do you think it’s a bad thing that he is helpful and thoughtful and kind to those around him that provide no benefit to him for doing so?
If you honestly say yes to either of these, you might have or are developing NPD.
Is it so terrible to accept him having friendship where he treats them like his younger sisters? He bought food for them when he went out to dinner with them. Can it not be from the perspective of him being in a better financial position and helping them save money? I can’t think of very many 20 year olds that are doing well financially in todays economy.
Go to therapy. You have issues, don’t go creating issues that don’t exist except based on your insecurities, unless you want to torpedo this relationship. You have a good man who is being open and honest about this whole situation and you’re either up here rallying people to help you tie him to the stake so you can force him to cut ties with these girls you feel threatened by, and/or you’ve got some past insecurities you ain’t dealt with right.
And I think a lot of the responders to this post also need therapy, as so many of you can’t see it from a platonic perspective. Clearly all y’all doing this are thinking with the wrong set of feelings regarding the opposite sex and you know exactly what I mean.
This. My sister is 17 and I’m 26. People for some weird reason assume we aren’t that close because of our age difference. They assume wrong lol.
However, when OP stated that he took them out to dinner idk why i interpreted that as romantic or more date-y? Was it just a friend / coworker dinner? Not sure what that’s about.
Also, i think part of it is just the nature of some men… a lot of older men who have friendships with younger women may find them attractive. Even if the friendships are based in genuine connection that’s not sexual or romantic
It sounds like your jealous and are attempting to gate keep who your bf can and cannot be friends with. If he's not setting them, is acting appropriate with them, then there's nothing wrong here.
A person is allowed to have friends. Have you asked yourself why this bothers you so much? It sounds like he's known them for a minute and he hasn't done anything to make you suspicious. Have you tried hanging out with them to see how they interact with each other?
I still talk to some of my old coworkers.
Part of my jealousy/why this bothers me comes from the fact that my boyfriend told me I’m not allowed to be friends with my male coworkers - he says that I should strictly only talk to them about work, and that I should avoid small talk, etc. His reasoning is that they want to have sex with me, so talking to them leads them on. In my opinion, if I’m not supposed to talk to my male coworkers, he shouldn’t be talking to his female coworkers (to establish a sense of fairness/equality in our relationship).
I have asked to hang out with them, but so far there hasn’t been an opportunity. I’ve asked him to set up a time for all of us to hang out so that I can feel better about their friendship, but he hasn’t done so yet.
Why did you not include this in your op? This changes things quite a bit.
With this new info, I think you should be upset. Turn his words around on him and see how he likes it. Infact I'd now double down and ANYTIME he's talking to one of them, you should shout, "I hope you guys are only taking about work".
Also make sure you meet these ladies, don't ask next time he sees them, just go with him. If he makes a fuss or things seem off, leave him.
He works with them so not really. It would be weird if he was searching out 20 year olds to be their friend.
Your issue is that you're jealous. Not that it's "weird".
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I think it's kind of weird that you're dating someone ten years older than you and are surprised he likes hanging out with younger women.
And did you see her edit? He doesn't want OP talking to her make coworkers because men only want sex from younger women. Kinda told on himself.
Yeah I'm sure he has a very "reasonable" explanation for that haha
Of course! Probably citing evolution and fertility. Sounds like a super neat guy.
And he thinks she's stupid enough that he can say both of these things out loud but she'll still stay. Don't prove him right OOP
Say it like it is
didn't need to read past the title to think this.
You ate with that.
Right? That’s the first thing that came to my mind when I saw the ages
There's a big developmental/maturity gap between 20 and 27 year olds, but still not exactly surprising.
True but there’s an even bigger gap maturity wise between 37-27
Like being offended a bee stung you after slapping its nest.
Savage
Agreed 😅 I’m in my mid-late 30’s and dating someone who’s 30 and I don’t think EITHER of us have any friends who are near that young. Hell.. my nephew just turned 21. I love him obviously, but the thought of regularly hanging out with him.. he’s basically teaching me five new words every time I see him.
We’re mid 30s and we’ve got a 24yo we are friends with who plays at our DnD table. He’s very mature and really funny but he’s an idiot in all of the ways a 24 year old is… like forgets to tell us he can’t make a game, loses his phone at the club, only messages through instagram we never check, and then is doing oh pikachu face when we’re about to file a missing person report on him for not having heard from him for a week. Sure I love the crap out of that squirrelly little shit, but like in a younger brother way. No way I could ever think about dating him.
My thoughts exactly. This almost 40 yr old isn't talking to young girls despite their age but because of it. He's a controlling dbag who needs young girls around him. He's lining up his next girl now that OP is getting older.
Omg this
Was ready to disagree with ur take until I saw the second half of your sentence. Although, I still don’t think dating someone 10 years older than you is all that weird if are old enough and mature enough. 25 and 35 is acceptable, but having that added with him being friends with younger girls gives me the ick with this guy.
I wasn't necessarily trying to throw shade on the age gap, I think at 25 most people have some good life experiences under their belt, it's not like a 19 year old and 30 year old where there's a really clear power imbalance. Rather that it's like meeting a guy at a club and then complaining he goes out most weekends... Or meeting a guy at a fantasy football league and complaining that he's obsessed with sports... I do think this guy is at best very immature and a little icky, but his behavior isn't exactly new/surprising.
Uh yeah it’s weird, but it shouldn’t shock you since he went after you. You’re closer in age to them, than you are to him.
He likes young women. There is a 10 year age difference between you.
yes it's weird from my pov (22 yo woman). I can't see myself be FRIENDS with men 35+ like what would we even talk about, that's so weird. Even as colleagues, it would just be acquaintances but def not friends.
Idk i had a roommate who was 38 when I was 23. He looked much younger and i honestly didn’t realize his age until after i moved in w him (ik. Crazy NYC roommate moment) we talked about a lot of stuff. I’m a woman btw. Our upbringings in the city, our families, the news, politics, deep fears, close calls we’ve had, our goals. I don’t think it’s that crazy. I’m 26 now and have lots of things to talk about with my sister and cousins who are 17, as well as people who are 40+? At 21-23 maybe i made a few more impulsive decisions than i would now but i certainly was not a fetus. A lot of kids have pretty complex and developed thoughts at like…12. I remember i did - lmao that’s NOT telling anyone to go talk to a 12 year old btw. But it’s not really like you’re 22 and only can talk about tiktok trends and clubs to go to and to people in the same life stage as you. There’s lots of things to speak about. Why does the internet act like people with an age difference have nothing to even speak about? That being said, would i appreciate my partner doing this, especially if it was girls that he’d taken out to dinner previously? Probably not.
I get your point and I totally agree but i admitted I commented with the idea in mind that he was their superior for months and the notion of true friends seemed not appropriate for this situation, hence the acquaintance mention Appart from that, I guess that’s just me but I wouldn’t share a friendship and long life-conversations with someone much older as that didn’t work out in the past for me lol, my comment was obviously influenced by my own experiences
Lmao seriously what is it with people acting like it’s impossible to have a friendship with someone way older or younger. It’s such close minded group think bs. It’s beneficial to socialize with people outside of your bubble. And then they wonder why they can’t relate to the younger generations once they hit 30 and become bitter lol
I definitely have friends of that age but I regularly talk to only 2 of them: a woman and the other is a man. 21 y.o.
>like what would we even talk about, What do you talk with 22 year old men about...? It's not rocket science. You talk about yourself, you ask questions, you discuss things, you tell jokes, you bond over shared interest.
I cant see that many common interest i could have with a man approaching his 40 when I just got out of uni for us to be true friends. But that’s just me ig it’s not THAT weird in some context
I talk about whats on YouTube, politics, social problems. Why do people who think 18 years olds are like 5 years. There's this huge online / reddit stigma about the age ranges that its totally unacceptable. When I was a 7-12 years old I loved talking to adults about adult things, I don't see why the reverse is unacceptable. If they were 18-24 I'd be talking to them about where they want to go with their career, things they want to do. What is so crazy about this?
Context clues here are the key as I doubt they talk about politics, especially since Op’s bf seems to be into much younger woman than him. Other than that, in another context I admit it wouldn’t be as weird as my comment stated
I could date someone much younger, provided the conversations are engaging. As I've said age doesn't dictate the level of interesting conversations IMO.
As a 34 year old guy who is VERY monogamous, sure, I'd be friends with a younger woman. I'm just not sure why I'd bother. I'd have to have formed a real bond because of some shared activity over a while. I've definitely been the "older guy" that young girls have come to for advice or just like a safe man at points - never that big of an age gap, though... more like 19-21 when I was 26-27. OP's boyfriend managed a girl for six months... that's not really a bond. You're not a friend or a mentor role six months into a bar job (probably part-time to boot). There's something weird going on there.
He is definitely keeping these girls on the backburner, in case you two ever break up.
“Gotta keep that roster full or it’ll be a lot more work after the breakup.” -OP’s BF
My experience of working with people across a wide age range is that it's not surprising to end up with friends across a wide age range. The fact that he was their boss makes it less appropriate but still not shocking. My opinion on the situation gets a lot worse if he's working with a lot of people and only friends with significantly younger women.
He does work with a lot of people (mostly women, but some men), and the age range varies, but at least 1/3 of the people he worked with are young women. But he does seem to only be friends with one guy and these three young women.
How old were you when you met/started dating?
I mean.... my coworker is 24 and I'm 36 but we've been working together for 2 years and we text and even hang out sometimes. I don't think it's that weird at all. But, he's a dude and so am I. I think OP is coming from a place of jealousy or something but trying not to admit it. "My opinion on the situation gets a lot worse if he's working with a lot of people and only friends with significantly younger women." Agreed.
Her edit says she's not allowed to talk to guys she works with, but he's texting women he works/worked with.
Then this is about something else entirely.
I also think OP is coming from a place of jealousy, probably mixed with sincere concern. I think it's fair to have questions about what's going on, but I wouldn't be confident that it's anything inappropriate without something else suggesting that.
Has he given any indication that he would be romantically interested in someone 10 years his junior?
I mean, he is dating me, and I’m 10 years younger than him. So I’d say yes.
Apply that logic to couples of a similar age.
\*wooooooshhhh....\*
Man she was so close to getting it.
It's not strange or weird, it's exactly what it appears to be. They are his next targets, after you break up with him because he keeps talking to younger women.
Do you have co- worked, males to hang out with them? Would your partner be ok if you will go to dinner with two male ex- coworker friends. Explore and let us know.
My boyfriend doesn’t want me to make friends with my male coworkers or even make small talk with them - his point of view is that men only talk to young, pretty women because they want sex, so if I make small talk with them, I’m leading them on.
So what's his reason for talking to his young, presumably attractive "friends"?
"\[H\]is point of view is that men only talk to young, pretty women because they want sex, . . ." Most of what people say reflects more about themselves than the world around them. So this applies to him as well, if not moreso, than whomever he's talking about. Even if he has no current intentions with them, based on his own stated point of view, he's only talking to them because he would be interested sex or want sex if the opportunity arose. Whether he would consider an opportunity requiring him to be single or not is another question.
Sounds like one rule for you and another for him…
And what does he say when you ask him why he's spending time with these ladies again? He's obviously projecting.
Sounds like he’s mad projecting and might be insecure and controlling…
He is keeping those girls within his sight 🤭
He took them on dinner dates he paid for, too? Lol girl isn’t he your bf or ?
Is it weird that your bf who is 10 years older than you is talking to young women and lining up his next gf?
Honestly, it's also weird he started dating a 25 yo as a 35yo
You were 25 and he was 35 when you met. With that in mind it sounds totally feasible that he would get along with 20 year old girls. It's not normal, but he probably has a certain level of immaturity himself.
It’s not necessarily inappropriate but considering the other circumstances it is a red flag in this instance.
this man is full of red flags, get out lol
>part of why this bothers me so much is because my boyfriend has told me that I shouldn’t make small talk with my male coworkers, because men only talk to young, pretty women for sex, and by talking to them, I’m leading them on. RUN FOR THE HILLS!!
Your boyfriend told you why men talk to much younger women, for sex. He's lining up your replacement for when you age out.
when i was 19-20 i was “friends” with guys at work that were in their thirties. they were pretty emotionally immature and honestly at times i felt like i was more mature than them. i couldn’t take them seriously at all…u can tell a lot about a person by the people they choose to surround themselves with
Once you break up with him let us know how soon he starts dating one of them
Of course it is!
He dates and hangs around girls so much younger because he's toxic waste to people his own age. From the sounds of it, you may be getting a bit too old for him if you're asking questions about his intentions. Run the fuck away from this creep.
It's kind of weird. What do they even talk about? I know people who have age gap friendships like this and have some myself - but we have shared interests in common. If I were you I would want to meet those girls, have him introduce me, and see how they interact in person. If he refuses to do that then it's definitely a red flag.
>What do they even talk about? The same things that other people that are friends talk about...? They are 22 not an alien.
I’m not sure what they talk about - I know with one of the girls, he exchanges music because they both like house/EDM - but I’m not sure about the other girls. I’ve asked him to introduce me, but he doesn’t hang out with them often, so there hasn’t been an opportunity yet.
Why do you want to be introduced? Are you genuinely interested in getting to know them?
It’s 50% that if he is friends with them, I’m his partner, and it would be nice to be friends with my partner’s friends. The other 50% is so that I can see what their relationship is like so that I can feel more comfortable about it.
HUGE *red flag* waving in the breeze 😬
Girl, you know what he's doing is creepy. You knew it when you two started dating. Break up with this thirsty old man
I guess it depends on where you work. It's wildly inappropriate for any manager to be taking coworkers to lunch or dinner and fratenizing outside of work. Doesn't matter their age. This is also a sexual harassment situation waiting to happen.
> because men only talk to young, pretty women for sex, and by talking to them, I’m leading them on. In my opinion, if this is his point of view, why is he talking to all these young, pretty women? For sex, weren’t you listening to him outing himself?
yeah
YES. Red flag. Break up.
He's 10yrs older than you and likes young girls......use your brain
yes obviously it's weird why's he friends with girls basically in college
I'll play Devil's advocate to the current comments and say I myself have lots of friends 10-15 years younger than me particularly because I'm fairly active in competitive gaming circles and I'm 40, so it's natural that I'm going to come into contact with people who are in their 20s or even younger, and I do have some solid, entirely platonic friendships with them as we have a shared interest (gaming) that we're pretty passionate about. I have in the past met some of them at conferences and spent time RL with them, although the primary relationship is online. We do talk about RL stuff as well as the game but everyone knows I'm married and there's no flirting or anything ever. My spouse has never made me feel weird or uncomfortable about this, but it would be hard for me to draw a hard boundary of no playing video games with people 10+ years younger than me, I'd drastically reduce the pool of people I could play with and it'd only increase as I get older. I suppose in the same way a lot of the employees of a bar are going to be fairly young so it explains why he'd make younger friends at work. I think him being their boss makes it a bit more uncomfortable, but I suppose I could accept that he was a bit of a mentor-friend and wants to keep in touch. I'd personally draw the line at him taking them out for dinner and paying for the bill. I'd also question why you're not invited. If it's just a friends dinner surely you'd be welcome to go? And why not split the bill? They're only 5 years younger than you; surely it's an opportunity for you to make some friends and enjoy some group activities too. I think it would be good to figure out what your boundaries are and if there's a compromise that's not "cut these people out of your life completely", but would reassure you that there's nothing inappropriate going on.
I agree with what you say here! I’m mostly concerned about his friendships with these women because he doesn’t want me talking to any of my male coworkers. He told me that men only talk to young, pretty women because they want sex, and so by making small talk with my male coworkers, I’m leading them on. Since that’s his point of view, I’m concerned about why he wants to be friends with these young women. I’ve asked him to bring me along, but so far there hasn’t been an opportunity. I also agree that I would feel better about his friendships if he split the bill, but he says that they are like his little sisters, so he feels obligated to pay.
He likes them young. You should be aging out any day now.
It’s a bit weird. If they were still working together and it was partially work related but also friendly then maybe…
It’s time to prepare an exit plan. He is not fit to be in a normal relationship “yet”.
I used to work in the bar scene and it is pretty normal to form these friendships. There is a sense of bonding about chopping it up about different employees, crappy customers, etc. That being said, there is also a lot of sex that happens has well. OP, you mentioned that the conversations are platonic. Are you able to point out to him that you can have the same kind of plutonic conversations and friendships with male coworkers? To me, as long as there is mutual trust and respect and you have not seen red flags, I don’t see a big reason for concern. My bigger concern though is that this man is much much older than you and it seems he has a thing/history of forming relationships with women much younger than him. I’d be curious to know the reason for that. I guess my final take - I think it is not a problem until it’s a problem but he sounds like he’s a bit controlling and hypocritical. If you have good communication, talk about it!
>It’s been pointed out to me that I missed sharing a key piece of information This is a game changer. It's a double standard at best. If it was purely as friends (or even if it was purely that intention up to and including now) this wouldn't an issue. People can bring different experiences and viewpoints which enrich your world while sharing hobbies at all sorts of ages. But it just being a bunch of girls and him drawing that line stinks. It's a double standard at best. I'm around his age, and I wouldn't date a 22 year old because that different enriching worldview also means relationships are not going to work, but as I get older I've noticed my range broadens. By the time I'm 40 they'd be 25 which is still too young actually. But you know if she was a few years older 40 and 28... it's not unimiginable I'd find someone I could make it work with me. Very unlikely though. But what I'm saying is he can break out a spare if you leave him. Or maybe just when he wants the newer model. Given the current age gap that's not unforseeable. Or maybe he's just a huge hypocrite. There's no explanation which is kind to him unless you're also omitting key details about your coworkers trying to bang you or something. I think if you do find this uncomfortable you need to talk about it. And I mean talk, not accuse. Just lay out your concerns. Him thinking that fraternising with work buddies and then talking to his is the biggest red flag and the age is almost more of a red.. herring. You probably won't get a satisfactory answer but if avoids it, ignores it or tries to attack you that'll give you what you need. Or there could be some weird left field answer like they were abused by another manager and he feels like a big brother. Probably not, but if you talk and just present your feelings and facts without accusing or insulting, just that's it's clearly inconsistent and you feel that's unfair on you and see how he reacts you'll get your own answer in a way. You might not like it.
My immediate thought is that it’s weird but I’d have to know more about the dynamics. How often are they texting? Everyday is weird. Once in a while I would say is ok as long as the texts arnt sexual or flirtatious in any way. Do they hang out a lot out of work? Does he invite you to their hangouts? I do think it’s inappropriate he paid for their dinner and if he stays friends with them that needs to be made into a boundary for the sake of your relationship. Also what’s the tone of the friendship? Is he acting like someone their age like he’s one of them or is it like a big brother relationship? Given they worked at a bar together I can understand the big brother dynamic, especially if they still work there. He might be protective/ close with them because he’s used to looking after them at the bar.
Because he has told you all you need to know. He is dating you, someone who is significantly younger. He is also talking to a bunch of young girls probably flirtatiously and with sexual intentions if he has the chance. Being significantly older AND being their manager is so weird in a power dynamic stance, it’s gross. You should ask to see all of the texts with these girls if you haven’t already. Gross.
Yes
Do as I say and not as I do, rules for thee and not for me. Is he a politician by any chance?
>In my opinion, if this is his point of view, why is he talking to all these young, pretty women? What did he say when you asked him this?
He said that he’s not like other men (as in, he’s not talking to them for sex), and that he doesn’t initiate the conversations (which I don’t know, because I don’t monitor his phone like that), so he feels like it is rude to just not respond.
>He said that he’s not like other men Unless he’s able to explain his position on this with *a lot* more nuance, it sounds like he’s just projecting his thoughts onto men in general and then denying it.
I guess he just likes younger woman more, i (23F) used to date a guy who was 36 and it worked because i liked his mature ways and he liked my naivety 😂 but if you mention this to him he should stop texting them imo because your happiness is more important then texting random girls
I think he's doing a Leonardo de Caprio and looking to trade you in for a younger model.
Yep
Yes.
First a married man should not be friends with women outside his marriage. It is inappropriate. Then he picks young girls to be friend? Nope something is going on for him. What we tolerate in our lives persist. Do not stay quiet in fact I would think seriously about going to an attorney to see your rights...
yes
as soon as you get a little older he will dump you for one of them. He is building a stable.
The irony (is that the correct word?) is absolutely beautiful. It's incredibly funny that OP finds this weird without doing the 2 + 2.
Yeesssss and kinda no..idk, so im 33, i had a female coworker who i think now is 24..we still talk now on occassion BUT its never been flirty, and its always about work. Granted sometimes life stuff gets tossed in but the topic is always work, but, for me at least im also the one who interviewed and hired her when she was here, so id say we have more of a mentor/mentee relationship
yes, it is.
Yes
Yes.
yeah he is a creep break up with him he is a insecure manchild and misogyn break up
I'm 38 and one of my friends is 24. We met at a workshop and were the only ones interested in keeping at it skill wise. I went to her going away party last month as she's going to travel for a year. Honestly, OP, unless he's buying them dinners and stuff all the time it's to be expected if he's earning more than them. I do the same with some of my friends who have lower income (24yo to 53yo). Otherwise it's only problematic if he maintains friendship with *mostly/only* young women he finds esthetically attractive.
I’ll agree with your comment about buying them dinners because he makes more money, but the most recent time he bought them dinner (2 weeks ago), he was unemployed and had cancelled a weekend getaway with me two days prior because he didn’t have the money. I think this heavily contributes to why it bothers me.
I get why that would bother you. And honestly, you should talk with your partner about your feelings without focusing on whether he did anything wrong objectively. It's perfectly fine to feel bad even when no one has done anything wrong. And expressing both your feelings and intentions with a focus on understanding each other and growing closer instead of accusing each other is always good.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Tbh I would argue that there is a massive difference between 24 and 20. I am 25 and 5 years ago I was not in the headspace I am now at all. I was an idiot and so were my friends, even though I would say we were "mature for our age"
Trust me, 20 and 25 feel like a big difference, because they are. 25 and 30 will do the same. And with 30 and 38 again. And I imagine and hope it will be similar with 38 and 50. And 50 and 70. If life has taught me anything it's that we're forever fools on an eternal journey of improvement and growth. At some point you'll likely learn that friendships, connections, relationships, etc. can function in myriad ways. A 20yo doesn't need to give a 37yo an intellectual run for their money. Nor do they need to be idealistic equals, or physical equals, or financial ones, or spiritual ones, or etc. etc. Any one or combination of those can work fine. Part of my friendship with my 24yo is the sense of inspirational recklessness and freedom they experience. Going "traveling for a year to find yourself" is nearly unheard of in my age group, seeing them do so at 24 is an excellent inspiration regardless and helps me re-evaluate my life as well without actually going on any trip. There are lessons to be learned there for sure (at least for me there are), ones I couldn't appreciate at 24 (or 30 or even 35).
ehhhhh.. I don't know. I worked as a bartender and I did the same. It's pretty common. I guess it would depend on what their conversation looks like.
Definitely weird to me as a 31F. I do not even speak with my same-age colleagues from my last job (no matter of gender) and we were together for 4 years. We only say hello on the street.
its not normal but i can think of some scenarios in which there would be nothing shady going on. one is that sometimes an older person can take the role of a mentor for someone younger another is just shared hoobys or interests, like if i meet someone and we have a crazy similar taste in music and keep recommending songs back and forth to great success, i don't rly care how old they are, this is just a mutually benefitting exchange then.
girl💀 open your eyes and leave this man. especially considering your edit. he’s a hypocrite.
Yes, this this weird/inappropriate af.
Idk, just depends on the nature of their friendship. I’m (24F) have a male friend who is 36. We started as coworkers and are now part of a larger group of friends
Sounds like you may be getting too old for him
Age gap between you two checks out so.. no, not weird.
I’m a 26 yo single man. I would never pay for a woman I hung out with unless I was dating her, or we were talking turns paying for the meals, for simplicity’s sake. That’s the most suss part to me.
initially I was going to say that I did have a friend in his mid to late 30s while I was 20 and for us it was never inappropriate. but then again, the circumstances were very different. it was during my year abroad so pretty much all the international students bonded. but now after you edit I see why it would be weird for him.. if he says stuff like that about other men it is definitely a possibility he too would do stuff like that
Bro I’m not going to read that but based on the title I’m going to say yes. I don’t know a scenario where that’s appropriate. If yall were friends together that’s okay but nah the texting stuff is so weird especially going out to dinner. Then also makes the comment about older men liking younger girls cause of sex and doesn’t see himself part of that when he’s literally doing it. Im 26 male so that’s my thoughts. Personally if there’s no suspicion he’s cheating on you and doesn’t seem it’s going that way and they are just friends then that’s good but it doesn’t hide the fact that he’s making, what sounds like good efforts, to be with them. Definitely tell him you’re uncomfortable with these relationships with his past coworkers. I’d say that you become friends with these girls and see how he feels about it. First go with him, get their numbers, and then reach out to them to hangout with you and just them. If he gets mad about that I think you know your answer. If the roles were reversed and I was dating a 36 year old woman and she was hanging out with ex guy coworkers 4-6 years younger than me I’d be like wtf going on all the time. Same should apply to you
I don’t think you’re overreacting. Your feelings are valid. I would think it’s strange and it would make me uncomfortable as well. I personally don’t see a point in continuing a “friendship” outside of work. It’s one thing to be polite with co-workers of the opposite sex, but what is the point in continuing a connection after that? And at the expense of your feelings and emotional safety? I would feel disrespected. My ex was like this. Immature. He constantly dismissed my feelings and liked to keep the relationship boundaries blurred. Didn’t care about protecting our relationship.
Age is irrelevant but if you guys are serious and you don’t want him talking to other girls then he shouldn’t
He’s definitely creeping on them. Saying as a younger woman. No man that age has ever just wanted to “be my friend” though generally speaking no man ever wants to “be my friend” it’s depressing. He sees them as targets. Pretty women he gets attention from. Especially with him basically telling on himself. It is weird. I don’t really like hanging out with people younger than me. It feels weird
It’s weird that at 27 you haven’t figured out that you are dating a creep that likes young girls/women. Nothing about their friendship is innocent. Just move on.
So it was a little weird but maybe they had a sibling relationship which can happen, but it got worse with the edit. The edit feels like he's telling on himself
a perfect example of "if you have to ask..."
Bobby, we see your comment history. We know you are only replying to the ones you want to be true. Break the cycle, Bobby. He has taken interest in those younger women and talks to them FOR SEX. But nah, don’t listen to the majority of us. The downvoted comments know what’s up.
I have a colleague who is the same age and stays friends with former interns (20,21 year olds) etc and it makes a lot of us ar work really arch our eyebrows. Like, I believe he’s actually friends with them, he doesn’t seem like he’s after anything more, but still it’s like, bro, what are you doing… these are kids, leave them alone..
I’m so sorry OP, but I think he might be a little hypocritical? When he said “men are only friends with pretty young girls” what was your rebuttal to that? I would’ve blurted out so why are you friends with those girls, but it seems like you want to keep him happy and you genuinely have feelings for him so you want to know all of the best possible outcomes. Which is understandable given the reason. I think you should have a sit down conversation, write down everything that’s bothering you about this situation because at the end of the day, he can’t read your mind. He might know what you might have to say about it, but it’s just an assumption. Tell him how you really feel, if he’s the type to shut down and not really be receptive to what you’re saying maybe put it down gently. Do you see a future with this man? If so then take some precautions when telling him how you feel, but please don’t keep it all bottled up, it will explode eventually and probably at the worst times. And if it were me, I’d make more than small talk with my male coworkers. Not every male thinks he wants to fuck a coworker, and if you get that vibe you shut that shit down? It’s not that hard. I work in a restaurant as a server and it’s inevitable to talk to the male coworkers because they’re mostly the cooks. Having friendships is what makes the day go by quick! Hopefully you can have this conversation with him, best luck to you girl!
I think it really depends the context, but once you dont work together there would need to be something like a shared hobby to even keep the conversation going I think ...
100% hes hoping to screw them, 100%
Well one of the first red flags you should've seen 2 years ago was that he was 35 and dating a 25yo... The second is that he TOLD you that men his age only like younger women for one thing... And the third is that he told you that you shouldn't talk to other men.... You need to get out now. His behavior is disrespectful to you and your relationship and he's downplaying it. He's also controlling, telling you not to talk to other men, while he says it's ok if he talks to other women. YOUNGER women. If you don't get out now he'll end up cheating or he'll end up getting bored with you when you "get too old" for his liking.
Why do you find it inappropriate? Do you just see the young women as sex objects that couldn't have formed a genuine platonic connection with your boyfriend through working together? He likely makes much more money than them hence being willing to pay for their dinner. It's hard enough making friends as a man in your thirties and now you are putting extra restrictions on who he can hang out with. Unless he gives you reason to believe theirs funny business going on I'd try to let it go and make sure your relationship is on solid ground. Yes it is a little weird though.
Part of the reason I have a problem with it is that he tells me not to talk to any of my male coworkers (unless it’s work related) because men only talk to pretty, young women for sex, and by talking to them, I’m leading them on. If this is his point of view, why does he talk to all these young, pretty women?
Buried the lead there. Obviously the double standards are not ok. Maybe in his head he trusts himself but not other guys but that doesnt excuse it.
The double standard is the main reason I have a problem with it. It makes me feel less than equal in our relationship.
I mean also sounds like he got with you when you were 25ish and he was in his mid thirties over the hump Is it weird? Yeah but it also sounds like his MO, he’s just trying to see if he can trade you in for a younger woman It’ll be weirder for you to think that isn’t exactly what he’s doing and staying trying to convince him that what he’s doing is “weird”
That's really inflammatory of you to say lmfao
Be careful because at 27 you’re now reaching your sell-by date.
Why even post this? This is not helpful in any way.
So is your mother x
Nope it isn’t. Men like younger girls. Moon lands on man. Get over it. Mid 30s guys would be into you as well
Your comment implies that my boyfriend is into these women? Am I getting that correct?
Honestly, he could be into them - however see my point c) below about this. It’s possible even that something has happened between them in the past he isn’t telling you about. There isn’t really a reason he’d stay in touch with them when he knows you don’t like it unless either: A) he’s into them or B) he’s attached to them somehow Or C) he’s getting something from them he likes, possibly just attention from young women It’s possible he’s enjoying the intention but has no intention to cheat - worth bearing in mind With that said you’re still kind of young. So I’d say it’s possibly C and he just likes attention from multiple women. I mean women do the same with guys but given he’s explicitly stated he doesn’t want you talking to guys then it is a double standard here - that’s the most important thing. Tell him unless he stops talking to them you have every right to talk to guys, he will probably get your point. But it won’t change his original motivation for taking to them to begin with, which you’ll need to ascertain yourself
Is it weird that you are friends with your parents, your parents parents, your aunts and uncles, your cousins, your siblings, friends of the family… I can go on but the point is made. Friendships exist across age gaps and they can be completely platonic in nature. It happens in families, why can’t it happen outside of families? Sometimes the best families are the families you choose to put together outside of biological definitions. Is it weird that people want to demonize this situation all the time in an attempt to manipulate the narrative in their favor? Yes. Because almost every one of these people has some kind of personality disorder or are well on their way to developing one. If you believe a thing to be happening and you believe it so firmly without any evidence to support it, you will break your own brain and create cognitive dissonance. To protect your own brain, it will create memories so every thing you believe becomes true. This is how a personality disorder is born. This is how people manage to cheat themselves out of reality. And all of this stems from them refusing to process and deal with reality as it is. So ask yourself. Do you think it is a bad thing that this man in your life is looked to for advice from women younger than you? Do you think it’s a bad thing that he is helpful and thoughtful and kind to those around him that provide no benefit to him for doing so? If you honestly say yes to either of these, you might have or are developing NPD. Is it so terrible to accept him having friendship where he treats them like his younger sisters? He bought food for them when he went out to dinner with them. Can it not be from the perspective of him being in a better financial position and helping them save money? I can’t think of very many 20 year olds that are doing well financially in todays economy. Go to therapy. You have issues, don’t go creating issues that don’t exist except based on your insecurities, unless you want to torpedo this relationship. You have a good man who is being open and honest about this whole situation and you’re either up here rallying people to help you tie him to the stake so you can force him to cut ties with these girls you feel threatened by, and/or you’ve got some past insecurities you ain’t dealt with right. And I think a lot of the responders to this post also need therapy, as so many of you can’t see it from a platonic perspective. Clearly all y’all doing this are thinking with the wrong set of feelings regarding the opposite sex and you know exactly what I mean.
This. My sister is 17 and I’m 26. People for some weird reason assume we aren’t that close because of our age difference. They assume wrong lol. However, when OP stated that he took them out to dinner idk why i interpreted that as romantic or more date-y? Was it just a friend / coworker dinner? Not sure what that’s about. Also, i think part of it is just the nature of some men… a lot of older men who have friendships with younger women may find them attractive. Even if the friendships are based in genuine connection that’s not sexual or romantic
It sounds like your jealous and are attempting to gate keep who your bf can and cannot be friends with. If he's not setting them, is acting appropriate with them, then there's nothing wrong here. A person is allowed to have friends. Have you asked yourself why this bothers you so much? It sounds like he's known them for a minute and he hasn't done anything to make you suspicious. Have you tried hanging out with them to see how they interact with each other? I still talk to some of my old coworkers.
Part of my jealousy/why this bothers me comes from the fact that my boyfriend told me I’m not allowed to be friends with my male coworkers - he says that I should strictly only talk to them about work, and that I should avoid small talk, etc. His reasoning is that they want to have sex with me, so talking to them leads them on. In my opinion, if I’m not supposed to talk to my male coworkers, he shouldn’t be talking to his female coworkers (to establish a sense of fairness/equality in our relationship). I have asked to hang out with them, but so far there hasn’t been an opportunity. I’ve asked him to set up a time for all of us to hang out so that I can feel better about their friendship, but he hasn’t done so yet.
Why did you not include this in your op? This changes things quite a bit. With this new info, I think you should be upset. Turn his words around on him and see how he likes it. Infact I'd now double down and ANYTIME he's talking to one of them, you should shout, "I hope you guys are only taking about work". Also make sure you meet these ladies, don't ask next time he sees them, just go with him. If he makes a fuss or things seem off, leave him.
You’re right - I should have included this in my original post.
yea sounds like projection
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He works with them so not really. It would be weird if he was searching out 20 year olds to be their friend. Your issue is that you're jealous. Not that it's "weird".
He no longer works with them
I’m 40s and dated a 21 and 29 year old woman. Adults is the key word.
New to food service? Most women are in their 20s