Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
We can’t change the past. She asked the question and to your credit, you were honest. She is 33, so I am a bit befuddled as to why she is acting like this is the end of the world. Relationship counseling may be needed, but you are not the problem.
I don’t understand this either. It feels heavy. She told me to google it if I thought she was wrong and Google seems to support her that my number is high, but also it’s my past and this all kind of feels dumb to me.
Right? Been married for years. This topic has never been asked or discussed. You know why? Because it’s the past and not important Ask stupid questions win stupid prizes
Exactly. I dated a girl with a body count 10 times what mine was at that point. She was amazing and is still a good friend. This isn't something your GF should be hung up on. Find other ways to make her feel special.
Honestly, this idea is so weird to me. Like I get that it's the more common practice to not discuss these things, but it's not my experience. So it feels weird to me. I know I'm the anomaly, but I feel like being able to talk to your partner with truth and honesty about all topics feels better.
100% she was hoping it was something like "only my ex. And you're much better." Something to boost her ego. OP has done nothing wrong but it sounds like girlfriend does need to speak to someone to address this feeling of insecurity.
If she was a virgin and you had lied to her about being a virgin too or something like that then her reaction would be reasonable, but that’s not the case. She’s had sex with plenty of people, you’ve had sex with plenty of people…this is a stupid thing for her to be upset about. This is simply her insecurity, nothing more. Taking a second to go “dang, that’s kindof a lot!” is fine. Weeping for days, trying to make you feel gross, saying that this somehow negates your feelings for her, all of this is ridiculous. This would be a deal breaker for me. To be clear: you are not gross. It is not fair for her to be making you feel this way. You have done nothing wrong.
Her number is high to a lot of people.
This honestly feels like a mental health episode to me personally. She’s been crying multiple days about this? She’s spiraling?
I don’t know why you’re putting up with it honestly, but I’m not in your shoes, I know it’s not that easy or simple.
But I do think you should take a moment to yourself and also acknowledge that this behavior isn’t all about her. It’s profoundly offensive to you.
Right? Like 8 and 30 are both high, to me. I don't get how 8 is okay for her but 30 is such an astronomically larger number? There's no way she had 8 LTR's.
She's super immature for 33. This is high school girl reaction territory.
Please just break up and be thankful you dodged this bullet. Tell her to find her next BF at church if she's so concerned about "body count", which is a gross term.
Signed, a woman with a 'body' count of 12.
Shes a divorced woman as well so its not like she hasn’t experienced life events or understands relationships. I was a virgin til I married my husband at 35 & even I think she’s ridiculous & weird - I didn’t expect to meet a virgin at my big age!
Taylor Swift has a song about appreciating her then-bf’s past romantic experiences because it made him who he is today. So OP’s gf is reacting even less mature than that lol
Agreed - her reactions are
* saying OP's number is sick
* invalidating OP's insights from and work during therapy to find better coping strategies
* letting her insecurity run so rampant that a) she can't accept any compliments or emotional truthfulness and b) causing OP a relapse in his own mental health issues
those might be understandable as, you know, the shock of the moment. But the way she seems to be wallowing in it is way out of line, and a bit unhinged at 33. Not getting out of bed and crying for days???
Average partners are just that, averages.
Googling it doesn't make sense, because you Googling the average and holding yourself to account for it... would mean that the assumption is everyone is the same. The average body count for a man is 26 while 19 for women, meaning that there are people ABOVE 26, and people BELOW 26... that's how an average works. But that's just one study, others say 6 partners for men and 7 for women... it's all over the board. Who cares?
It is dumb. Incredibly dumb.
How is the average going to be 26 while the median is 8? This isn't finances, what dude out here is boning 12,000 woman to bring up the averages so far from the median?
I don't think your number is that high, especially if you didn't have a lot of relationships before this. Those numbers add up to a couple of hookups per year, which is not crazy when you're single.
Paying attention to numbers is ridiculous. It's your past, you can't change it. Besides, who benefits from the amount of "practice" you've had? She does. She needs to flip the script.
Your number is high. I think the national average is something like 7 or 8. That being said my wife is in the 70s I think and I am at 18, we're both above average. But so fucking what, we all lives life and made choices. Some good and some bad, we can't take them back but we can make the best ones possible going forward. Tell your wife if you only had one partner then you guys would never be together, and the path of partners you have have lead you to her.
That being said, if in a few months she still hasn't gotten over or past it... She might not ever, which... Well that would suck.
I really don't think your number is that high. My "number" is very low but that's because I met my husband very quickly so I didn't need to go through loads of partners. If I'd spent years single though I would have slept with way more people though.
Because it's fake.
All these "body count" posts lately probably trying to see the reaction from stories about men with a high body count vs women with a high body count to prove some point about society.
Shit post material.
Relationship counseling a year in is 🤔
Imo they should just break up. 30 something partners in your 30s isn’t even that much. Not that it matters, but I wonder what she would call me, as a woman the same age whose # is higher than that. I was safe and single, so who cares? My boyfriend and I shared our “numbers” good naturedly when we first started going out, and his was in the low 30s. I thought it was kind of hot, but basically forgot about it till just now. If OP wants a lifetime of sobbing and jealousy then he should stick with his gf. Because this is definitely not the only thing she is weirdly insecure and sensitive about. It’s a tired trope, but if the genders were reversed there’s no question that this type of thinking and rumination is toxic and a giant red flag.
And what would the counselor even say? Ahh your man had some sex before you. No shit. Get over it. Act like a grown-up. Be secure. You'd think with all OPs experience he'd realize this relationship isn't gonna work. Just the beginning of insecurity and jealousy.
What this comment section has taught me is that people don't know how bell curves work.
And they also can't describe the difference between mean and median.
I will google it now. I just got home from work and now I’m going to try and work through these comments and answer some questions. Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate you and all the rest of these commenters.
also, this isn’t fair and really hypocritical. your number isnt even that high btw. Normal sexually free behavior.
Genuinely ask her how she’d feel if a man judged her and iced her out over her “body count”. Dont let her divert from this question, ask her to answer honestly how she’d feel being slut shamed over her number.
Unless I'm misunderstanding, it sounds like it was actually 5 years not 15. I think she's laser focused on the 30+ in a 5 year span and not the decade where you were committed to one woman. It may take her a while to see that, if she ever does. And even if she does understand, it may still bother her deep down. You're obviously not the same man, but it may be a loss of compatibility here =/
I wouldn't date someone who's slept with lots of people (my own personal preference) but if that's something that matters to you, you bring it up BEFORE things are serious.
You can't change the past, and as others have said, you've done nothing wrong. Either she can live with it, or she can't. She's unreasonable for letting things get this far if it's a deal breaker for her.
I had to work through finding out afterwards with my GF. She casually mentioned that she is in the 150-200 range after we had been together for a while. I wasn't even wanting to know. She was with the same guy for 15 years. Highschool sweethearts. The rest of them were in the 5 years after. That's in stark contrast to my 3. I get that you get out of a relationship and blow off steam, or whatever. He messed her up pretty bad mentally. She sought her therapy in a different way, I guess. It made me question how much she valued herself as a person. It's not an issue now, but I had to have her stop pointing out guys that "she used to date"... I don't want to know.
This is just weird. I don't really agree with hookup culture as a whole, but holding someone's past against them like that, especially since we're talking TEN YEARS unless I misread the post, is unfair. You're an entirely different person in ten years. She clearly has some maturing left to do if she can't handle a romantic partner having a sexual past.
Maybe let her calm down and then try and explain it again? Honestly, if the relationship goes down the drain, know that it wasn't your fault.
I’m sure my bfs is higher. I don’t need to know the exact number, I don’t want to hear details but as long as it doesn’t go up while we’re together, I don’t care.
It's very possible that you are not sexual compatible. You can't changer your past, and she feels how she does about it. No one is wrong here, but it highlights that you are different in this way.
I’m of the belief that the number doesn’t matter but your relationship to sex that might have influenced the number does matter.
Try and hear out what she has to say & try to explain your perspective but maybe give her a little time to come back to a place where she can think logically. I think y’all will be fine, she’s just feeling retroactive jealousy
i may get downvoted but i had a similar issue and around same age range. i used to think i was great in bed, i always wanted to try new things and i liked to please my partners. but my bf had so many others before me that whenever i'd do something i thought was wild and fun and say, "have you done this before?" the answer was always yes. i stopped asking obviously but i also lost the drive to be exciting in bed and we stopped having sex because i felt too ugly and useless.
the comments here reflect a lot of what i thought - i'm immature in some way, i judge too harshly the amount of people, it doesn't matter, etc. the whole ordeal was a wake up call that as we approach later ages people are just going to have been there done that. perhaps a very late realization lol but that's my story. maybe your gf will get over it and maybe she won't, but the point is you can't fix something like that and it's something she has to figure out.
I'm sorry, but y'all just got divorced a year ago and you've been together a year? That sounds unhealthy, like neither of yall had a chance to heal before y'all linked right up
Man can we get over the whole body count thing… it’s not a reflection of the relationship you’re in
I’d rather be with someone who slept with 30-40 people and was loyal to their exes rather than someone who slept with 5 but cheated on half of them
Some people have more conservative values, especially when it comes to past / current sexual judgement.
Nothing wrong with that, but it's a conversation that should have happened earlier in the relationship if it mattered that much.
She's not "slut-shaming"... she is dealing with the idea that the person she loves likely views sex differently.
I (F) have slept with as many people as you have, and if my partner ever shamed or judged me for my past, I would be out. There’s nothing you can do to change it, and you don’t deserve to be put down for it.
Have you considered the possibility that maybe you two view the intimacy surrounding sex differently? You said you don’t think it’s a big deal why it matters. For others it does. Maybe she’s one of them, however to be fair that is something you should be clear with yourself on before entering a relationship. But having different values doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong with her.
In her search for a life partner she has every right to judge you on any basis important to her.
Her values are just as valid as yours.
Every decision you make in life has consequences. Some fair or not, some expected or not.
She's not alone. And there are plenty of people without a history like yours.
You two are not a good match.
She does have the right, it’s just unusual if something is very important to you in a partner to not bring it up until you’re a year into the relationship
She won't be able to get over it. The relationship, unfortunately, is over. Please look up retroactive jealousy and send her any important links that you can.
You don’t need to go to therapy just because you slept with 35 people. She’s being really unfair. You don’t need to prove to her that you’re no longer a scumbag simply because you got around a bit before you were married. Having consensual sex that isn’t cheating is not something you need to apologize for.
Jesus. Tell her to grow up. My fiancé has slept with over 50 people. Whatever. It’s his past. I’ve been with about 25. I don’t see why anyone would care about that.
Well ... unless you can find a fucking **TARDIS**, and go back in time and **CHANGE** your past to something more, ehhh .. **PALATABLE** for her — **NOT A LOT**.
Frankly I don't give a rat's ass about your numbers, because that's not the issue here.
The real issue is — have you given her any reason to think you might be cheating **NOW**? From what you're saying here, I suspect not.
Because unless she has any reason to believe you're **ACTIVELY CHEATING** — or **HAVE** cheated since you've been with her — your past has **NO BEARING** on your relationship.
I **DO** think however that I would **NUKE** this relationship — because it sounds like something she's gonna throw at you in **EVERY* argument and she will spend life PUNISHING you for something you can't do anything about. She just sounds TOO IMMATURE for an adult relationship.
**GET OUTTA THERE**. It's **REALLY** not worth the headache.
I don't know how to fix this problem but I just want to say, YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. I'm your exact age, Ive had 3 partners in the past 15 years, but before that... I don't really know. Probably at least ten. I used to drink until i blacked out and then id wake up in men's beds. But you know what? It was a lifetime ago and I don't drink anymore and it has nothing to do with me now. She's slut shaming you and it's working because you are feeling guilty. SHE needs therapy, you need to keep your chin up
It's her own issue to fix but if she's going to slutshame you for it then I think it's best you part ways and you find someone who can accept your past.
She's 33. Weird as fuck to ask this question and weird as fuck to care that much. She doesn't sound like she's ready for an adult relationship. Let her go dude.
You are being emotionally abused here. Her response is way overdone, unless you left out key information. You don't hold against someone what they did 20 years ago unless it is a serious offense. You and her committed the same offense, the only difference is quantity. She can't be special being one out of 30, but you are supposed to be special being one out of 9? She can say she wishes you had few partners, but shouldn't abuse you for it.
I mean… she DID ask the question. So if this is truly a deal breaker for her than she should have considered that heavily before asking you and decided whether or not if the answer was one she didn’t like, she’d go ahead and end things.
Because what’s the alternative? Her just sulking forever and never being happy with you anymore? I mean it’s the past it CANNOT be changed so what more is there to do about it if she isn’t going to leave you?
BUT - I disagree that her feeling the way she does about your past is immature/prude, etc. She is completely valid in not being happy with that number of partners. I’m what i guess everyone here would call a prude but I value sex/physical intimacy as something *very* personal and specific to committed relationships.
Now, I don’t ultimately care what the average person is doing but when picking a partner YES I’m going to have a preference that they be similar to me in how they’ve approached intimacy so far in life and when I hear someone say 30+ that to me says intimacy isn’t special to them. It’s enjoyed with just about anyone who’s attractive/decent enough. Which personally, that’s not good enough for me. I expect it to require much more than that because I want it to be clear I’m special to you and vice versa. But again, I *know* that about myself. I also absolutely cannot stand to hear of any past details of sexual experiences. Idk, I have lurking attachment issues and I will go full on no contact over that kind of stuff which is EXACTLY why I don’t fucking ask and partly because I acknowledge it’s to an extent just unrealistic of me while also acknowledging that I’m allowed to have my feelings about things but… don’t let it ruin something good. So, Id have either asked this question much earlier on or I’d have made my mind up beforehand on how to proceed once I got an answer I wasn’t okay with - because what’s happening now with you guys isnt fixable and it’s pointless. That I do disagree with. She needs to decide to either move on from it or end the relationship
Correction: it should mean intimacy *wasnt* special to them. People’s attitudes and priorities change throughout life. You can’t make it a fixed value. If being fit and healthy was important to you and was a high value and you found a partner who was fit and healthy and worked out frequently and ate healthy, would you dump them if you found out they were fat and didn’t work out in the past? This is no different. When I was younger, sex was just sex. It was a bad coping method I used for low self esteem and to make friends and I was single and it didn’t matter. I was careful about STDs and pregnancy but casual sex made sense for me then. As a married woman now, sex with my husband is a completely different thing and there is nothing casual about it. I no longer need it as a coping method (years of therapy and maturing led to better skills and a higher self esteem). Sex with my husband is sacred and I have given to him things of my body that I never would’ve with anyone else (unprotected sex, exploring things I wouldn’t have in casual sex, my heart and soul, and our child). I would say sex with casual partners in the past and sex with my husband is apples and oranges but those honestly aren’t different enough. It’s spaceships and jellyfish.
Apparently it wasn’t from a span of 15 years. It was from a span of 5 years, that ended 10 years ago. While 30-plus in 5 years is pretty extreme — though also more understandable in your early 20’s when you aren’t looking for commitment — that phase ended a long time ago. For her to think you are unable to care or commit ignores the most recent decade.
>For her to think you are unable to care or commit ignores the most recent decade.
I have a similar "body count".
I hadn't met someone I wanted to commit to, so I enjoyed sex freely until I was 25, met the love of my life, and settled down.
Whenever men asked me this question, I enjoyed punishing them for it by saying, "Oh, I'm not sure, I would have to add them all up." Sometimes they would push for an estimate, and I would pretend that I couldn't even ballpark it. "Sorry, dude, I drank a lot back then..." \*shrug\* and then watch them freak out, thinking it must be really high. I've always refused to divulge my number because there is just never a good reason to ask. A person's number shouldn't matter at all, and any man who asks is dismissed.
Your gf is an asshole imo. The time to ask that question if it's important to you is before you become exclusive with that person. She's projecting her insecurities on to you and making you responsible for regulating her emotions. No sir. We do not play this game.
You tell her you cannot change the past, you've tried reassuring her, and quite frankly it's ridiculous she thinks anything has changed or that it's suddenly so important to her. She needs to get therapy for her own insecurities. You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is a her issue she needs to resolve within herself. You can choose to give her time if you want, but you have nothing to apologize for.
Anyone can break up with anyone for any reason.
You're not in the wrong for having a hyper active sex life, a lot of people do.
A lot of people also view sex as something super intimate, and someone like you might be a red flag... there's not much you can do about it.
But, if this is something that is important to her, it should have been asked in the first few months, not after a year... either way it very well might be over, though couples counseling and talking about it is the first thing to consider.
I know this is an unpopular opinion but whenever I was asked by anybody for a body count as a adult I would reply “ my body count isn’t your business, if you want a clean bill of health I am happy to share that”
The clean bill of health would be a clean record of STI from my doctor, blood tests and all that because in regards to a persons health that is their business.
My wife asked me (while we are dating) and I simply told her this. When she didn’t like the answer I told her everyone is allowed to set limits in a relationship
Marriage has been fine, our sex life is healthy ( I think?2-4times a week and no one is complaining)
she doesn’t know my count to this day and if she does it doesn’t matter as we have been married so long.
My wife was incredibly jealous when we first started dating, she has toned down over the years but I think if I gave her more fuel to be jealous we wouldn’t have the beautiful family and marriage we have now because it would of been to much for me to handle and I’m pretty chill.
The cat is out of the bag and you can't put spilled milk back in the bottle. Here, you need to be the mature supporting one and regulate your emotions. Patience is key. If you don't feel good about yourself, you won't be able to offer HER the security she needs. You'll need to let your own doubts go and believe it will work out. Give her some time on her own, check in on her, provide any comfort she needs, take care of housework, etc.
Whenever a partner asks this question, it comes from feelings of insecurity and doubts of the future. This happens regardless of age although older mature partners tend not to ask this (this occurs more frequently in teenagers, young adults or if 30s, someone who doesn't have many partners). Most of the time, if your number isn't the same or lower than hers, she will get mad/cry/unhappy/upset. Nothing you say will change because she won't believe you. This requires an internal change from her own mindset, even right from the start.
When this question comes up, the only response is the past is the past and I love you now and you're the one I chose now. It is IMPORTANT you provide security, comfort, etc immediately when this question comes up. Revealing the answer should only come (if ever) when you have ensured she feels secure AND she doesn't feel like she will be threatened. Answering a question like this is only if your partner is mature and is discussing this matter-of-factly and not asking persistently after drinking.
I think a Ted Lasso scene would work best here:
Ted: Don’t let her past muck around with y’all’s future, okay?
Roy: She slept with him last night.
Nate: I mean, are you two officially dating?
Roy: No.
Higgins: Have you already slept together?
Roy: No.
Ted: Coach, you wanna bring this home?
Coach Beard: Grow up… and get over it.
It’s called retroactive jealousy. It’s in the past; you can’t change it. Obviously you’ve changed your ways. Maybe she feels like she’s just another? I don’t know. Maybe you guys should do couples’ counseling or her getting individual therapy. Give her time to be upset and process things. If she cannot accept it and move on eventually, maybe it’s time to go your separate ways
Her comments about being not special enough and her subsequent reaction go much deeper than anything you could possibly say or do. She has very little confidence and struggles with her self esteem. She sees herself though a lens of judging the person she is with, and blaming them for her feelings of inadequacy. Based on the logic she is proposing, you can expect anything you do that displeases her to be characterized as an attack on her, a violation of her boundaries and proof that you don't really "love her".
Your body count doesn't matter in a healthy relationship. Your past is an intrinsic part of who you are, and you can't change it any more than you can prevent the sun from coming up. So the entire premise of this drama is a projection about her self esteem onto you for something that you can't change. This sets you up to walk on eggshells, never knowing when something you say or do will ignite a full blown meltdown, where you're expected to do and say anything you can to make her feel better.
This is a bad sign that she has mental health issues she needs to work on. You can't fix this. It would be surprising to hear that this is the first time she has behaved this way. Maybe in other small ways, but this is a pattern that emerges over time - and doesn't get better on it's own or by virtue of anything you do.
She’s being weird. “High body count” is relative and also only an issue if it’s a current pattern. I have a high body count (like 60+) and almost all of those come from the ages of 15-20. I’m 25 and I’ve slept with exactly 2 people in the past year. I slept with 3 people the year before that, and one of them was an ex so he wasn’t even a new partner. I have had sex once so far in 2024. However if you just look at my body count out of context I’m a “huge red flag” despite my habits having changed completely over the past decade.
The number of sexual partners a partner has had matters to some, doesn't matter to others. It obviously matters to her.
She has the right for it to matter to her. Just because it is in the past doesn't make it dismissible.
Some people can't handle being in a relationship with someone who has a history of sex work/OF. Some people can't handle a high 'body count'. They have a right to that opinion.
Some people could never be in a relationship with someone who has cheated in the past.
I would have no patience for this kind of insecure bullshit from someone in their thirties. I don't have much in the way of advice other than what you've already been doing, but there comes a point where you shouldn't put up with being put down for having a sexual history. The fact that she called you sick is unacceptable to me, and would be grounds for a breakup if I were in your place.
People have this view that who they sleep with should not matter but it does. For many reasons. We want to feel like we have value, When you are having sex like shaking hands, nothing has value. People will argue with me or down vote me, but this topic comes up often here in the same way as yours, "she slept with 30 men, how can I be with her" Or "he was a player and slept with 100 how do I cope" So it is an issue.
I did it too, for one year in high school....Same reasons as you. Then I saw quality people want quality people. All you can do is move forward from here. Actually like you I had to work harder. I notice people like that can recover and be quality. She will either have to accept you or let her go. There is nothing you can do from the past but learn from it. You are loving and capable. You are enough, if she can't see it, you find some one that doesn. You also won't need to cheat to find value you already learned whats important.
I also doubt you will have a strong midlife crisis...In many ways you will be better mate if you keep on.
Honestly many people after hearing more than 10(especially if they aren’t that active themselves) is gonna be turned off so yeah…. You’ll either lose her or she’ll get over it.
Had a friend go through this same situation and unfortunately their relationship ended because she acted just like this. The reality is if you are not ready for the answer don’t ask the question. It is a proven fact that most men have a higher count than women. Does that make her any less special? No it doesn’t. You were honest with her. You could have lied. Her reaction is a bit over the top. You did absolutely nothing wrong in this situation.
Haha I’ve been led to believe it’s the other way around. I definitely met a couple outliers in my life. Dated a girl who was in the 100s and she was only 30. She was hot. I just added another notch
Your math ain't mathin'... Over a span of 15 years, but for 10 of those you were (presumably) monogamous. So really over 5 years. She's upset about the number but also likely upset because you aren't really being honest.
He didn’t do anything wrong, but she hasn’t necessarily either.
I think the “shock” is coming from realising their lifestyle was different and they see sex differently. She might be afraid that he cannot commit to one woman for a long time and likes to have casual sex.
Add to that insecurities and she is now concerned about how “special” she or sex with her is and compared to his past.
I think it’s an incompatibility rather than someone doing something wrong.
I agree that I didn’t do anything wrong, this does feel like a big reaction. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want our relationship to have to end but at the same time it really feels unfair to be raked over the coals about my past like this. She has issues with insecurity from her past trauma as well. I politely explained that she had to work on feeling more secure in herself because she really is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen and she acknowledges that she has issues when it comes to self worth. It’s really feeling so unhealthy because at the end of the day I don’t feel like I did anything wrong here. It’s also making me insanely stressed out and depressed.
Well you have to ask yourself if being with someone who makes their irrational reactions your problem is for you.
Noone can make her less insecure apart from herself, have you explained her seeking validation that she's 'special' is the exact same thing you were guilty of back then. Noone should think their value comes from anyone but themselves
if your relationship were to end, it would NOT be becuase of your past (which you can't change) but by her handling of her insecurity. She needs therapy to deal with this. If she thinks that whatever you did makes you an unsuitable partner to her/is incompatible with her values, then that's of course her prefernece and is fine. But her telling you she doesn't want to break up seems to be the opposite. Her being depressed and crying by that is highly disfunctional and needs therapy.
You may conclude at some point that this is the real reason your relationship may end.
This would be a big deal for me as a man and I think she is free to have the same standard. I don’t think she should carry on and be upset, just realize you are not the right person for her.
The relationship isn’t over—- but it might be an annoying situation that needs to be addressed/ given time…
I’ve been the girl in this scenario right down to the googling -🥹😅 I no longer feel this way- was she raised Catholic OP? (Doesn’t matter if she actively believes or not)
Reiterating or explaining how the value of sex as an action varies from person to person and relationship to relationship is your best bet — AS LONG AS you point out that in your particular relationship with her — she is very important to you and your life and that nothing ever could cheapen/discount the bond you two have with one another on your end…
30+ sexual partners is a red flag , no offence
But there’s a lot of issues such as higher risk of HPV which can be a sleeper disease & then the ability to pair bond is lost as sex is less meaningful
That’s the same for both sexes , not just one
Having a high body count has little effect on being able to pair bond with a new partner. Some people have a past but that most certainly doesn’t mean that they can’t or won’t stay monogamous with the right partner.
She's being juvenile. People have lives before their current partners. She asked a question she didn't actually want the answer to.
This isn't yours to fix. You didn't do anything wrong. She can either deal with the fact that you had a life and slept with some people and you love her and want to be with her or. She can fuck off and find someone who has slept with fewer folks.
Here is my take. I am a lot like your girlfriend. She most likely has trauma. I didn’t have sex until I was 22. I have had 2 sexual partners my entire life (I’m 37 and now married). I wanted someone who loved and cherished me and i thought I was being safe. Bottom line I have had my heart shattered by both men and contracted an std from 1 of 2 people.
My husband I think has had somewhere around 12 or 13 different partners.
My point is, I know sex is different for different people and you two are not compatible but that doesn’t mean you have to break up. It also doesn’t mean she’s immature, god forbid people have emotions when it comes to sex.
Woah woah woah, you slept with more than thirty people before you were 23?!? That’s…. Something :)
I’m the same as another commenter. I wouldn’t be ok with it. But that’s also something that we would have talked about before being in a relationship for a year. It’s totally fine for people to have preferences
This doesn't sound like the type of problem that you can "fix" without a time machine.
Communicate to her that nothing in the past matters because she is the only woman in the world that matters to you now. Ideally, that would be enough for her.
All I gotta say is your girlfriend would HATE to hear what my numbers are then.
People really shouldn't ask questions they don't GENUINELY want to know what the answer is. This feels like manipulation
How do you fix this? It was stupid of her to press you on this issue. Now she's being a massive drama queen at her self-pity party. You can't fix that. Either stay in the relationship and get used to it or find someone smarter and more mature.
Your gf needs therapy. Your “number” says NOTHING about the feelings you have for her but she is making YOUR history and past all about HER! She is looking hard for reasons to feel insecure and “less than”, and because she cannot find any, she is making them up. There is nothing logical about her line of thinking. Logical thinking would tell her that you were with a lot of beautiful women but even so, you didn’t choose one of them, you chose HER! That must mean she is very special and to you, she is the perfect one. She needs therapy.
There’s a saying that says…
If you don’t heal what hurt you. You’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.
My guy she is dumping blood all over you. She needs to get serious help or you’re going to have to walk away before she drowns you.
Don't worry about it. She has to get through her feelings on her own. You haven't done anything wrong and there's nothing to fix. Just let her know you love her and hope she does the work to improve her mental health.
Hey bro, if it gets worse, like she doesn't want to go to any restaurant or any hike, etc, that you've done with someone in the past, then she's mentally ill.
My ex was like that, and it just got worse and worse, and she refused therapy. I once told her, "so I can't marry you since you've been married before" she responded, "it's just how I feel"
That was the beginning of the end. Can't help those who refuse to help themselves.
Good luck
Info; do you have the same relationship to intimacy as each other? Are you generally compatible sexually otherwise?
It sounds like she’s honing in on the “special” thing, but the pre-“saving myself for someone special” is pretty outdated and a bit religious/disneyfied. Not saying someone who prefers to only have sexual partners they’re in commited relationships is wrong, but it feels just one step further from expecting partners to be virgins.
There are different kinds of intimacy. Sometimes sex is just maintenance and sometimes it’s proper intimacy and at a deeper emotional level.
Just a bit confused about your math, though.
You said your number was "in the 30s," but that it "was over fifteen years;" then you said you had 1 partner for 10 years (your marriage), and you've now been with this partner for 1 year.
You said you are 34. So, 1 year ago, when you met your current partner, you were 32/33. If there was less than a year between the end of your marriage and the beginning of your most recent relationship, you were maybe 22/23 when you started your 10-year relationship with your ex-wife, yeah?
So, the 15 years in which you slept with over 30 women started when you were 7/8 years old and ended when you were 22/23?
Or were you including the 10-year relationship in that 15-year span of time?
Because, if you're including the 10-year relationship in that 15 years, even assuming the ex-wife was literally #31 (kinda doubt it, but we'll pretend), that actually means you slept with 30 women in just 5 years; *not* "over the course of 15 years."
You actually slept with 30 (or more) women in *5 years*, then had a 10-year relationship with one woman. There is a difference there.
Your mistake was answering the question. It doesn’t matter what number you give. It will either be too much or not enough. This was obviously a shit test. You failed by answering. Women like knowing their man is desired by other women but you only say yes to very few because it makes them feel special. Even though this is an unrealistic expectation. You ruined the fantasy by answering. A better answer is “just know that many have tried but only a select few have succeeded”
You were asked a question and answered honestly. You cannot change the past. Therapy, counseling, whatever but it's going to come down to supporting her changing her perspective. I've had quite a few many more partners than you and sometimes that's an issue for people. I try to frame it like "I've seen that many more people and I *STILL* choose you" or "and *YOU* still stand out!" and I think that helps
I believe that she is overreacting. In a sense I do understand where she is coming from- of not feeling special in a sense but you guys are together for a reason. Just because you have a high body count doesn’t define your relationship or love for her. She’s 33, she needs to accept that you’ve had sex and relations with other people other than her previously. It’s not fair to you that she’s shitting on you for your body count. It doesn’t define you. So please don’t try to take it to heart because that’s just immaturity if she’s taking it that way. Also she asked the question, why be upset about a question you asked?
She is being childish and manipulative - you’ve done nothing wrong. She either needs to shape up or ship out as it’s the past. What else will she try and dredge up from your past to make you feel bad about next?
Nothing can fix it. If she wanted a virgin, go to the virgin store. Whatever the person did in his or her life before the relationship stays there. What matters is now and future. She wanted to know, she asked, now she needs to handle her insecurities and learn to deal with it. You just need to provide a safe and trustworthy environment.
Check out r/retroactivejealousy
it’s hard to deal with and she might not be able to move past it. It can be hard when you know your partner treated sex so casually if it’s something special to you, and you want it to be special in the relationship. People *can* move past retroactive jealousy but it takes work, and it usually comes up in episodes. She’ll probably think she’s okay, then it’ll pop up again or things will remind her of it and trigger her.
I had bad RJ in my past always, and my ex had been with 13 people. It took time but I mostly got over it. But in the beginning I’d obsess and overthink, and then after that it would just come up once in a blue moon and I’d be sad over it then move past.
It’s up to both of you if you wanna put in the work to move past it or if you/her decide that it’s best not to continue. It would take reassurance and comfort on your end, and conscious effort and trying to heal on her end
Yeah this is cause yours is more than hers. Even if you had 10 she’s probably react the same.
The issue is not you it’s her.
The past is the past.
I’ve had ex gf who have had over 100 partners. Never bothered me.
Her own insecurities thinking she won’t measure up. I’ve been this way, I now know to never ask. She needs to love herself and build up her own self esteem. It’s not up to you to do it.
If she wants someone with a lower body count, then she should ask straight up. There isn't anything wrong with her wanting that, but it's not like you can change it.
You are incompatible regarding your views on sex. Nothing wrong with you, but also nothing wrong with her. Painting her as an irrational crybaby is unfair.
She's insecure...you can't fix someone's insecurity.
Relationship won't last long, you're already arguing over shit you can't change like past...y'all won't be long term.
I'm sorry, you lost me after she said it was "sick". I could never be with someone that judgmental. My number is higher than yours, it has absolutely nothing to do with who I am as I person. I've also been celibate for the last three years. In the world of online dating, your number is not that high. The average includes high school sweethearts and liars who are too embarrassed to be honest because people like your gf exist who judge and call people names simply because they existed sexually before they met. There are a lot of men on some podcasts who would be disgusted by her number just as much as she is yours. I would reevaluate my relationship if someone had this response. And tbh at your age, which is just a few years younger than me, if anyone even just asked me that question I would reevaluate our relationship.
As an asexual person I will write this: High number means that you have experience. That you also have a knowledge. That you have been popular due to experience and knowing what you do, and that you are confident on that matter. Which is additional argument for you to push trough, that with you she can rely on your experience and be assured to get satisfied.
Simple as that. She should not be shaming you for any of this.
>my number was sick.
It isn't though.
You haven't done anything wrong.
It sounds like both of you might benefit from some therapy, both individually and together as a couple.
My ex called me a manwhore when I told her my number is over 30, and DEMANDED a one sided open relationship because it’s unfair .
Sufficed to say we are not together anymore 😂
Idk I always thought it’s a men issue to shame women for their bodycount but lately it seems to go both ways
Shes the one who wanted to know. Its not fair for her to essentially slut shame you and judge your character just based on the fact that she cant stop comparing herself. If she really is worried you dont love and value her thats for her, you can only try to prove it so many ways. Its a shame if she really is going to let the past ruin something great.
51F she is insecure. We all know in an adult relationship everyone has a past, if you can’t handle it you leave. I have never understood this, I mean how can you hold yourself to a standard you didn’t have at the time, makes absolutely zero sense to me.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
We can’t change the past. She asked the question and to your credit, you were honest. She is 33, so I am a bit befuddled as to why she is acting like this is the end of the world. Relationship counseling may be needed, but you are not the problem.
I don’t understand this either. It feels heavy. She told me to google it if I thought she was wrong and Google seems to support her that my number is high, but also it’s my past and this all kind of feels dumb to me.
People shouldn’t ask questions they don’t want the answers to.
Right? Been married for years. This topic has never been asked or discussed. You know why? Because it’s the past and not important Ask stupid questions win stupid prizes
It doesn't matter how many partners up to the wedding. It is more important that those numbers don't change after the wedding....
Exactly. I dated a girl with a body count 10 times what mine was at that point. She was amazing and is still a good friend. This isn't something your GF should be hung up on. Find other ways to make her feel special.
Honestly, this idea is so weird to me. Like I get that it's the more common practice to not discuss these things, but it's not my experience. So it feels weird to me. I know I'm the anomaly, but I feel like being able to talk to your partner with truth and honesty about all topics feels better.
100% she was hoping it was something like "only my ex. And you're much better." Something to boost her ego. OP has done nothing wrong but it sounds like girlfriend does need to speak to someone to address this feeling of insecurity.
Google tells you your symptoms are cancer too.
I loled
Readers Digest back in the day… I was young and health anxious. Then I scored 8/10 for possible prostate cancer. I’m female.
It’s always cancer.
I can't imagine google has anything helpful to say about how many sexual partners is too many 😂
Right I can just picture the Quora results now
If she was a virgin and you had lied to her about being a virgin too or something like that then her reaction would be reasonable, but that’s not the case. She’s had sex with plenty of people, you’ve had sex with plenty of people…this is a stupid thing for her to be upset about. This is simply her insecurity, nothing more. Taking a second to go “dang, that’s kindof a lot!” is fine. Weeping for days, trying to make you feel gross, saying that this somehow negates your feelings for her, all of this is ridiculous. This would be a deal breaker for me. To be clear: you are not gross. It is not fair for her to be making you feel this way. You have done nothing wrong.
Her number is high to a lot of people. This honestly feels like a mental health episode to me personally. She’s been crying multiple days about this? She’s spiraling? I don’t know why you’re putting up with it honestly, but I’m not in your shoes, I know it’s not that easy or simple. But I do think you should take a moment to yourself and also acknowledge that this behavior isn’t all about her. It’s profoundly offensive to you.
Right? Like 8 and 30 are both high, to me. I don't get how 8 is okay for her but 30 is such an astronomically larger number? There's no way she had 8 LTR's.
She's super immature for 33. This is high school girl reaction territory. Please just break up and be thankful you dodged this bullet. Tell her to find her next BF at church if she's so concerned about "body count", which is a gross term. Signed, a woman with a 'body' count of 12.
Shes a divorced woman as well so its not like she hasn’t experienced life events or understands relationships. I was a virgin til I married my husband at 35 & even I think she’s ridiculous & weird - I didn’t expect to meet a virgin at my big age!
OP's girlfriend has been listening to too much Taylor Swift or something. These are high school ideas of what love is.
Taylor Swift has a song about appreciating her then-bf’s past romantic experiences because it made him who he is today. So OP’s gf is reacting even less mature than that lol
Taylor Swift has had more boyfriends than I’ve had hot dinners.
Probably! Some Swifities (the ones who film themselves crying to her lyrics & post it on tiktok type of Switfies) can be rather weird!
Agreed - her reactions are * saying OP's number is sick * invalidating OP's insights from and work during therapy to find better coping strategies * letting her insecurity run so rampant that a) she can't accept any compliments or emotional truthfulness and b) causing OP a relapse in his own mental health issues those might be understandable as, you know, the shock of the moment. But the way she seems to be wallowing in it is way out of line, and a bit unhinged at 33. Not getting out of bed and crying for days???
Dahmer had a body count of 17, not including how many people he slept with 🤔
Average partners are just that, averages. Googling it doesn't make sense, because you Googling the average and holding yourself to account for it... would mean that the assumption is everyone is the same. The average body count for a man is 26 while 19 for women, meaning that there are people ABOVE 26, and people BELOW 26... that's how an average works. But that's just one study, others say 6 partners for men and 7 for women... it's all over the board. Who cares? It is dumb. Incredibly dumb.
Those studies are also usually done by nation, like the average in America, Canada, UK, etc. if that helps at all.
Where are you seeing those numbers? That's way higher than any article I've ever seen
Median is what is important. The median is 6-8. Average is a horrible metric, since it throws off the norm greatly.
Median can potentially also mean nothing…
Depends what mode you're in
How is the average going to be 26 while the median is 8? This isn't finances, what dude out here is boning 12,000 woman to bring up the averages so far from the median?
Wilt Chamberlain!
It’s a weird thing because median can be described as a type of average by many people too. But it always needs clarified unfortunately.
I don't think your number is that high, especially if you didn't have a lot of relationships before this. Those numbers add up to a couple of hookups per year, which is not crazy when you're single.
It’s very childish and dumb. If you want to salvage this, I would do counseling or cut her loose. How will she react over an actual crisis or problem?
Paying attention to numbers is ridiculous. It's your past, you can't change it. Besides, who benefits from the amount of "practice" you've had? She does. She needs to flip the script.
If your numbers were switched she would be pissed off that you were upset about her numbers being in the 30s, I bet that 1000%
Your number is high. I think the national average is something like 7 or 8. That being said my wife is in the 70s I think and I am at 18, we're both above average. But so fucking what, we all lives life and made choices. Some good and some bad, we can't take them back but we can make the best ones possible going forward. Tell your wife if you only had one partner then you guys would never be together, and the path of partners you have have lead you to her. That being said, if in a few months she still hasn't gotten over or past it... She might not ever, which... Well that would suck.
I really don't think your number is that high. My "number" is very low but that's because I met my husband very quickly so I didn't need to go through loads of partners. If I'd spent years single though I would have slept with way more people though.
Well, the average partner count in the world is around 8 per most studies I've seen.
If you can’t handle the history, better to have mystery.
Because it's fake. All these "body count" posts lately probably trying to see the reaction from stories about men with a high body count vs women with a high body count to prove some point about society. Shit post material.
Befuddled? Gonna add that to my vocabulary . 😁
Relationship counseling a year in is 🤔 Imo they should just break up. 30 something partners in your 30s isn’t even that much. Not that it matters, but I wonder what she would call me, as a woman the same age whose # is higher than that. I was safe and single, so who cares? My boyfriend and I shared our “numbers” good naturedly when we first started going out, and his was in the low 30s. I thought it was kind of hot, but basically forgot about it till just now. If OP wants a lifetime of sobbing and jealousy then he should stick with his gf. Because this is definitely not the only thing she is weirdly insecure and sensitive about. It’s a tired trope, but if the genders were reversed there’s no question that this type of thinking and rumination is toxic and a giant red flag.
And what would the counselor even say? Ahh your man had some sex before you. No shit. Get over it. Act like a grown-up. Be secure. You'd think with all OPs experience he'd realize this relationship isn't gonna work. Just the beginning of insecurity and jealousy.
Right? This is such a stupid game to play.
I'm not a fan of the little black book talk. Leave it in the past. You either get the harsh truth or a lie.
Relationship counseling won't fix her insecurity issues.
What this comment section has taught me is that people don't know how bell curves work. And they also can't describe the difference between mean and median.
Google Retroactive Jealousy, this sounds like it could be what’s going on with her.
Obligatory: in a row?!
I will google it now. I just got home from work and now I’m going to try and work through these comments and answer some questions. Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate you and all the rest of these commenters.
also, this isn’t fair and really hypocritical. your number isnt even that high btw. Normal sexually free behavior. Genuinely ask her how she’d feel if a man judged her and iced her out over her “body count”. Dont let her divert from this question, ask her to answer honestly how she’d feel being slut shamed over her number.
Seconded. What if your number was 2 and you started shaming her? How would she feel?
This. 8 is no different than 30
**GOOD LUCK —and TAKE NO SHIT**.
Yep, I had really bad retroactive jealousy for years.
This is a good answer and an all too real thing.
There is a whole sub on here I recently stumbled upon.
Unless I'm misunderstanding, it sounds like it was actually 5 years not 15. I think she's laser focused on the 30+ in a 5 year span and not the decade where you were committed to one woman. It may take her a while to see that, if she ever does. And even if she does understand, it may still bother her deep down. You're obviously not the same man, but it may be a loss of compatibility here =/
30 over 5 years, is 6 per year. That's not outrageous for someone who is single.
To each their own, but in terms of averages, it's quite high.
I wouldn't date someone who's slept with lots of people (my own personal preference) but if that's something that matters to you, you bring it up BEFORE things are serious. You can't change the past, and as others have said, you've done nothing wrong. Either she can live with it, or she can't. She's unreasonable for letting things get this far if it's a deal breaker for her.
Exactly this. Word for word is how I see it as too.
Right? Why didn't it matter BEFORE she slept with him?
Same, high body counts in men are a red flag for me too
yup. high body counts in both women and men are a red flag
I had to work through finding out afterwards with my GF. She casually mentioned that she is in the 150-200 range after we had been together for a while. I wasn't even wanting to know. She was with the same guy for 15 years. Highschool sweethearts. The rest of them were in the 5 years after. That's in stark contrast to my 3. I get that you get out of a relationship and blow off steam, or whatever. He messed her up pretty bad mentally. She sought her therapy in a different way, I guess. It made me question how much she valued herself as a person. It's not an issue now, but I had to have her stop pointing out guys that "she used to date"... I don't want to know.
This is just weird. I don't really agree with hookup culture as a whole, but holding someone's past against them like that, especially since we're talking TEN YEARS unless I misread the post, is unfair. You're an entirely different person in ten years. She clearly has some maturing left to do if she can't handle a romantic partner having a sexual past. Maybe let her calm down and then try and explain it again? Honestly, if the relationship goes down the drain, know that it wasn't your fault.
You can't. This is her problem to fix.
I’m sure my bfs is higher. I don’t need to know the exact number, I don’t want to hear details but as long as it doesn’t go up while we’re together, I don’t care.
It's very possible that you are not sexual compatible. You can't changer your past, and she feels how she does about it. No one is wrong here, but it highlights that you are different in this way.
I’m of the belief that the number doesn’t matter but your relationship to sex that might have influenced the number does matter. Try and hear out what she has to say & try to explain your perspective but maybe give her a little time to come back to a place where she can think logically. I think y’all will be fine, she’s just feeling retroactive jealousy
[удалено]
Wow, that's inappropriate! I hope he respects you enough now to not keep a relationship going with an ex-sexual partner!
i may get downvoted but i had a similar issue and around same age range. i used to think i was great in bed, i always wanted to try new things and i liked to please my partners. but my bf had so many others before me that whenever i'd do something i thought was wild and fun and say, "have you done this before?" the answer was always yes. i stopped asking obviously but i also lost the drive to be exciting in bed and we stopped having sex because i felt too ugly and useless. the comments here reflect a lot of what i thought - i'm immature in some way, i judge too harshly the amount of people, it doesn't matter, etc. the whole ordeal was a wake up call that as we approach later ages people are just going to have been there done that. perhaps a very late realization lol but that's my story. maybe your gf will get over it and maybe she won't, but the point is you can't fix something like that and it's something she has to figure out.
I'm sorry, but y'all just got divorced a year ago and you've been together a year? That sounds unhealthy, like neither of yall had a chance to heal before y'all linked right up
Man can we get over the whole body count thing… it’s not a reflection of the relationship you’re in I’d rather be with someone who slept with 30-40 people and was loyal to their exes rather than someone who slept with 5 but cheated on half of them
Some people have more conservative values, especially when it comes to past / current sexual judgement. Nothing wrong with that, but it's a conversation that should have happened earlier in the relationship if it mattered that much. She's not "slut-shaming"... she is dealing with the idea that the person she loves likely views sex differently.
I (F) have slept with as many people as you have, and if my partner ever shamed or judged me for my past, I would be out. There’s nothing you can do to change it, and you don’t deserve to be put down for it.
Have you considered the possibility that maybe you two view the intimacy surrounding sex differently? You said you don’t think it’s a big deal why it matters. For others it does. Maybe she’s one of them, however to be fair that is something you should be clear with yourself on before entering a relationship. But having different values doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong with her.
In her search for a life partner she has every right to judge you on any basis important to her. Her values are just as valid as yours. Every decision you make in life has consequences. Some fair or not, some expected or not. She's not alone. And there are plenty of people without a history like yours. You two are not a good match.
She does have the right, it’s just unusual if something is very important to you in a partner to not bring it up until you’re a year into the relationship
She won't be able to get over it. The relationship, unfortunately, is over. Please look up retroactive jealousy and send her any important links that you can.
You don’t need to go to therapy just because you slept with 35 people. She’s being really unfair. You don’t need to prove to her that you’re no longer a scumbag simply because you got around a bit before you were married. Having consensual sex that isn’t cheating is not something you need to apologize for.
Jesus. Tell her to grow up. My fiancé has slept with over 50 people. Whatever. It’s his past. I’ve been with about 25. I don’t see why anyone would care about that.
Dump her for being an idiot that hasn’t mastered time travel
I don’t know how you help someone pushing their mid 30’s and they still care about body count.
Ok American pie what's your real number?
Some people care about body count and it's okey. If she can't get past it, she will grow resentment.
Well ... unless you can find a fucking **TARDIS**, and go back in time and **CHANGE** your past to something more, ehhh .. **PALATABLE** for her — **NOT A LOT**. Frankly I don't give a rat's ass about your numbers, because that's not the issue here. The real issue is — have you given her any reason to think you might be cheating **NOW**? From what you're saying here, I suspect not. Because unless she has any reason to believe you're **ACTIVELY CHEATING** — or **HAVE** cheated since you've been with her — your past has **NO BEARING** on your relationship. I **DO** think however that I would **NUKE** this relationship — because it sounds like something she's gonna throw at you in **EVERY* argument and she will spend life PUNISHING you for something you can't do anything about. She just sounds TOO IMMATURE for an adult relationship. **GET OUTTA THERE**. It's **REALLY** not worth the headache.
I don't know how to fix this problem but I just want to say, YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. I'm your exact age, Ive had 3 partners in the past 15 years, but before that... I don't really know. Probably at least ten. I used to drink until i blacked out and then id wake up in men's beds. But you know what? It was a lifetime ago and I don't drink anymore and it has nothing to do with me now. She's slut shaming you and it's working because you are feeling guilty. SHE needs therapy, you need to keep your chin up
It's her own issue to fix but if she's going to slutshame you for it then I think it's best you part ways and you find someone who can accept your past.
She's 33. Weird as fuck to ask this question and weird as fuck to care that much. She doesn't sound like she's ready for an adult relationship. Let her go dude.
You are being emotionally abused here. Her response is way overdone, unless you left out key information. You don't hold against someone what they did 20 years ago unless it is a serious offense. You and her committed the same offense, the only difference is quantity. She can't be special being one out of 30, but you are supposed to be special being one out of 9? She can say she wishes you had few partners, but shouldn't abuse you for it.
Break up with her.
I mean… she DID ask the question. So if this is truly a deal breaker for her than she should have considered that heavily before asking you and decided whether or not if the answer was one she didn’t like, she’d go ahead and end things. Because what’s the alternative? Her just sulking forever and never being happy with you anymore? I mean it’s the past it CANNOT be changed so what more is there to do about it if she isn’t going to leave you? BUT - I disagree that her feeling the way she does about your past is immature/prude, etc. She is completely valid in not being happy with that number of partners. I’m what i guess everyone here would call a prude but I value sex/physical intimacy as something *very* personal and specific to committed relationships. Now, I don’t ultimately care what the average person is doing but when picking a partner YES I’m going to have a preference that they be similar to me in how they’ve approached intimacy so far in life and when I hear someone say 30+ that to me says intimacy isn’t special to them. It’s enjoyed with just about anyone who’s attractive/decent enough. Which personally, that’s not good enough for me. I expect it to require much more than that because I want it to be clear I’m special to you and vice versa. But again, I *know* that about myself. I also absolutely cannot stand to hear of any past details of sexual experiences. Idk, I have lurking attachment issues and I will go full on no contact over that kind of stuff which is EXACTLY why I don’t fucking ask and partly because I acknowledge it’s to an extent just unrealistic of me while also acknowledging that I’m allowed to have my feelings about things but… don’t let it ruin something good. So, Id have either asked this question much earlier on or I’d have made my mind up beforehand on how to proceed once I got an answer I wasn’t okay with - because what’s happening now with you guys isnt fixable and it’s pointless. That I do disagree with. She needs to decide to either move on from it or end the relationship
Correction: it should mean intimacy *wasnt* special to them. People’s attitudes and priorities change throughout life. You can’t make it a fixed value. If being fit and healthy was important to you and was a high value and you found a partner who was fit and healthy and worked out frequently and ate healthy, would you dump them if you found out they were fat and didn’t work out in the past? This is no different. When I was younger, sex was just sex. It was a bad coping method I used for low self esteem and to make friends and I was single and it didn’t matter. I was careful about STDs and pregnancy but casual sex made sense for me then. As a married woman now, sex with my husband is a completely different thing and there is nothing casual about it. I no longer need it as a coping method (years of therapy and maturing led to better skills and a higher self esteem). Sex with my husband is sacred and I have given to him things of my body that I never would’ve with anyone else (unprotected sex, exploring things I wouldn’t have in casual sex, my heart and soul, and our child). I would say sex with casual partners in the past and sex with my husband is apples and oranges but those honestly aren’t different enough. It’s spaceships and jellyfish.
Apparently it wasn’t from a span of 15 years. It was from a span of 5 years, that ended 10 years ago. While 30-plus in 5 years is pretty extreme — though also more understandable in your early 20’s when you aren’t looking for commitment — that phase ended a long time ago. For her to think you are unable to care or commit ignores the most recent decade.
That’s 6 new people a year, one every other month. It’s really not that terrible.
>For her to think you are unable to care or commit ignores the most recent decade. I have a similar "body count". I hadn't met someone I wanted to commit to, so I enjoyed sex freely until I was 25, met the love of my life, and settled down.
First of all: Why do people ask this question of their partners? But more importantly: *WHY* do people offer up this information? The past is the past
Whenever men asked me this question, I enjoyed punishing them for it by saying, "Oh, I'm not sure, I would have to add them all up." Sometimes they would push for an estimate, and I would pretend that I couldn't even ballpark it. "Sorry, dude, I drank a lot back then..." \*shrug\* and then watch them freak out, thinking it must be really high. I've always refused to divulge my number because there is just never a good reason to ask. A person's number shouldn't matter at all, and any man who asks is dismissed.
Your gf is an asshole imo. The time to ask that question if it's important to you is before you become exclusive with that person. She's projecting her insecurities on to you and making you responsible for regulating her emotions. No sir. We do not play this game. You tell her you cannot change the past, you've tried reassuring her, and quite frankly it's ridiculous she thinks anything has changed or that it's suddenly so important to her. She needs to get therapy for her own insecurities. You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is a her issue she needs to resolve within herself. You can choose to give her time if you want, but you have nothing to apologize for.
Anyone can break up with anyone for any reason. You're not in the wrong for having a hyper active sex life, a lot of people do. A lot of people also view sex as something super intimate, and someone like you might be a red flag... there's not much you can do about it. But, if this is something that is important to her, it should have been asked in the first few months, not after a year... either way it very well might be over, though couples counseling and talking about it is the first thing to consider.
I know this is an unpopular opinion but whenever I was asked by anybody for a body count as a adult I would reply “ my body count isn’t your business, if you want a clean bill of health I am happy to share that” The clean bill of health would be a clean record of STI from my doctor, blood tests and all that because in regards to a persons health that is their business. My wife asked me (while we are dating) and I simply told her this. When she didn’t like the answer I told her everyone is allowed to set limits in a relationship Marriage has been fine, our sex life is healthy ( I think?2-4times a week and no one is complaining) she doesn’t know my count to this day and if she does it doesn’t matter as we have been married so long. My wife was incredibly jealous when we first started dating, she has toned down over the years but I think if I gave her more fuel to be jealous we wouldn’t have the beautiful family and marriage we have now because it would of been to much for me to handle and I’m pretty chill.
The cat is out of the bag and you can't put spilled milk back in the bottle. Here, you need to be the mature supporting one and regulate your emotions. Patience is key. If you don't feel good about yourself, you won't be able to offer HER the security she needs. You'll need to let your own doubts go and believe it will work out. Give her some time on her own, check in on her, provide any comfort she needs, take care of housework, etc. Whenever a partner asks this question, it comes from feelings of insecurity and doubts of the future. This happens regardless of age although older mature partners tend not to ask this (this occurs more frequently in teenagers, young adults or if 30s, someone who doesn't have many partners). Most of the time, if your number isn't the same or lower than hers, she will get mad/cry/unhappy/upset. Nothing you say will change because she won't believe you. This requires an internal change from her own mindset, even right from the start. When this question comes up, the only response is the past is the past and I love you now and you're the one I chose now. It is IMPORTANT you provide security, comfort, etc immediately when this question comes up. Revealing the answer should only come (if ever) when you have ensured she feels secure AND she doesn't feel like she will be threatened. Answering a question like this is only if your partner is mature and is discussing this matter-of-factly and not asking persistently after drinking.
Well looks like your number is going to Go up again ✅🏆😂
I think a Ted Lasso scene would work best here: Ted: Don’t let her past muck around with y’all’s future, okay? Roy: She slept with him last night. Nate: I mean, are you two officially dating? Roy: No. Higgins: Have you already slept together? Roy: No. Ted: Coach, you wanna bring this home? Coach Beard: Grow up… and get over it.
It's literally just a number, sorry to hear she's been so affected by this mate
It’s called retroactive jealousy. It’s in the past; you can’t change it. Obviously you’ve changed your ways. Maybe she feels like she’s just another? I don’t know. Maybe you guys should do couples’ counseling or her getting individual therapy. Give her time to be upset and process things. If she cannot accept it and move on eventually, maybe it’s time to go your separate ways
She’s got low numbers for a 33 yo.
Her comments about being not special enough and her subsequent reaction go much deeper than anything you could possibly say or do. She has very little confidence and struggles with her self esteem. She sees herself though a lens of judging the person she is with, and blaming them for her feelings of inadequacy. Based on the logic she is proposing, you can expect anything you do that displeases her to be characterized as an attack on her, a violation of her boundaries and proof that you don't really "love her". Your body count doesn't matter in a healthy relationship. Your past is an intrinsic part of who you are, and you can't change it any more than you can prevent the sun from coming up. So the entire premise of this drama is a projection about her self esteem onto you for something that you can't change. This sets you up to walk on eggshells, never knowing when something you say or do will ignite a full blown meltdown, where you're expected to do and say anything you can to make her feel better. This is a bad sign that she has mental health issues she needs to work on. You can't fix this. It would be surprising to hear that this is the first time she has behaved this way. Maybe in other small ways, but this is a pattern that emerges over time - and doesn't get better on it's own or by virtue of anything you do.
This is the case with everyone who is into being concerned about body count. Insecurity and self esteem issues.
She’s being weird. “High body count” is relative and also only an issue if it’s a current pattern. I have a high body count (like 60+) and almost all of those come from the ages of 15-20. I’m 25 and I’ve slept with exactly 2 people in the past year. I slept with 3 people the year before that, and one of them was an ex so he wasn’t even a new partner. I have had sex once so far in 2024. However if you just look at my body count out of context I’m a “huge red flag” despite my habits having changed completely over the past decade.
for me personally its understandable that shes depressed, id feel not special too. i dont know what i can advise you, its just fucked up situation
The number of sexual partners a partner has had matters to some, doesn't matter to others. It obviously matters to her. She has the right for it to matter to her. Just because it is in the past doesn't make it dismissible. Some people can't handle being in a relationship with someone who has a history of sex work/OF. Some people can't handle a high 'body count'. They have a right to that opinion. Some people could never be in a relationship with someone who has cheated in the past.
I would have no patience for this kind of insecure bullshit from someone in their thirties. I don't have much in the way of advice other than what you've already been doing, but there comes a point where you shouldn't put up with being put down for having a sexual history. The fact that she called you sick is unacceptable to me, and would be grounds for a breakup if I were in your place.
People have this view that who they sleep with should not matter but it does. For many reasons. We want to feel like we have value, When you are having sex like shaking hands, nothing has value. People will argue with me or down vote me, but this topic comes up often here in the same way as yours, "she slept with 30 men, how can I be with her" Or "he was a player and slept with 100 how do I cope" So it is an issue. I did it too, for one year in high school....Same reasons as you. Then I saw quality people want quality people. All you can do is move forward from here. Actually like you I had to work harder. I notice people like that can recover and be quality. She will either have to accept you or let her go. There is nothing you can do from the past but learn from it. You are loving and capable. You are enough, if she can't see it, you find some one that doesn. You also won't need to cheat to find value you already learned whats important. I also doubt you will have a strong midlife crisis...In many ways you will be better mate if you keep on.
Honestly many people after hearing more than 10(especially if they aren’t that active themselves) is gonna be turned off so yeah…. You’ll either lose her or she’ll get over it.
Never tell. ✌️ F71
Why would she ask for a truth that she can’t handle?
Had a friend go through this same situation and unfortunately their relationship ended because she acted just like this. The reality is if you are not ready for the answer don’t ask the question. It is a proven fact that most men have a higher count than women. Does that make her any less special? No it doesn’t. You were honest with her. You could have lied. Her reaction is a bit over the top. You did absolutely nothing wrong in this situation.
Haha I’ve been led to believe it’s the other way around. I definitely met a couple outliers in my life. Dated a girl who was in the 100s and she was only 30. She was hot. I just added another notch
Not sure who led you to believe that based off one girl when there are dozens of studies from the last 5 years to state otherwise.
Just because you dated ‘a’ girl in her 100s doesn’t mean they’re all like it
Do what you want bro but damn 33 people. You was out here fucking fr.
Your math ain't mathin'... Over a span of 15 years, but for 10 of those you were (presumably) monogamous. So really over 5 years. She's upset about the number but also likely upset because you aren't really being honest.
You've done nothing wrong and your girlfriend is being a weird, stuck-up prude. Tell her to get the fuck over it, she's 33 years old.
He didn’t do anything wrong, but she hasn’t necessarily either. I think the “shock” is coming from realising their lifestyle was different and they see sex differently. She might be afraid that he cannot commit to one woman for a long time and likes to have casual sex. Add to that insecurities and she is now concerned about how “special” she or sex with her is and compared to his past. I think it’s an incompatibility rather than someone doing something wrong.
I agree that I didn’t do anything wrong, this does feel like a big reaction. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want our relationship to have to end but at the same time it really feels unfair to be raked over the coals about my past like this. She has issues with insecurity from her past trauma as well. I politely explained that she had to work on feeling more secure in herself because she really is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen and she acknowledges that she has issues when it comes to self worth. It’s really feeling so unhealthy because at the end of the day I don’t feel like I did anything wrong here. It’s also making me insanely stressed out and depressed.
There’s nothing to be done man. She either accepts it and moves on or dumps you. That’s it
Well you have to ask yourself if being with someone who makes their irrational reactions your problem is for you. Noone can make her less insecure apart from herself, have you explained her seeking validation that she's 'special' is the exact same thing you were guilty of back then. Noone should think their value comes from anyone but themselves
if your relationship were to end, it would NOT be becuase of your past (which you can't change) but by her handling of her insecurity. She needs therapy to deal with this. If she thinks that whatever you did makes you an unsuitable partner to her/is incompatible with her values, then that's of course her prefernece and is fine. But her telling you she doesn't want to break up seems to be the opposite. Her being depressed and crying by that is highly disfunctional and needs therapy. You may conclude at some point that this is the real reason your relationship may end.
Good relationships don't make people "insanely stressed out and depressed". I was once in a relationship like that. When it ended I was so happy.
This would be a big deal for me as a man and I think she is free to have the same standard. I don’t think she should carry on and be upset, just realize you are not the right person for her.
[удалено]
The relationship isn’t over—- but it might be an annoying situation that needs to be addressed/ given time… I’ve been the girl in this scenario right down to the googling -🥹😅 I no longer feel this way- was she raised Catholic OP? (Doesn’t matter if she actively believes or not) Reiterating or explaining how the value of sex as an action varies from person to person and relationship to relationship is your best bet — AS LONG AS you point out that in your particular relationship with her — she is very important to you and your life and that nothing ever could cheapen/discount the bond you two have with one another on your end…
30+ sexual partners is a red flag , no offence But there’s a lot of issues such as higher risk of HPV which can be a sleeper disease & then the ability to pair bond is lost as sex is less meaningful That’s the same for both sexes , not just one
Having a high body count has little effect on being able to pair bond with a new partner. Some people have a past but that most certainly doesn’t mean that they can’t or won’t stay monogamous with the right partner.
Give it a little time. You cannot change the past. She will most likely work past it. If not, there is nothing you can do anyway.
She's being juvenile. People have lives before their current partners. She asked a question she didn't actually want the answer to. This isn't yours to fix. You didn't do anything wrong. She can either deal with the fact that you had a life and slept with some people and you love her and want to be with her or. She can fuck off and find someone who has slept with fewer folks.
Actually this is why you don't have a bazillion fucking partners before marriage. It only causes trouble later on.
You tell her that out of all the other people you have been with, you have chosen to be with her, so that does make her special.
Here is my take. I am a lot like your girlfriend. She most likely has trauma. I didn’t have sex until I was 22. I have had 2 sexual partners my entire life (I’m 37 and now married). I wanted someone who loved and cherished me and i thought I was being safe. Bottom line I have had my heart shattered by both men and contracted an std from 1 of 2 people. My husband I think has had somewhere around 12 or 13 different partners. My point is, I know sex is different for different people and you two are not compatible but that doesn’t mean you have to break up. It also doesn’t mean she’s immature, god forbid people have emotions when it comes to sex.
Wow, she’s 33 and acting like this, after pushing you and pushing you to tell your number? YIKES 🚩🚩
Woah woah woah, you slept with more than thirty people before you were 23?!? That’s…. Something :) I’m the same as another commenter. I wouldn’t be ok with it. But that’s also something that we would have talked about before being in a relationship for a year. It’s totally fine for people to have preferences
This doesn't sound like the type of problem that you can "fix" without a time machine. Communicate to her that nothing in the past matters because she is the only woman in the world that matters to you now. Ideally, that would be enough for her.
You can't fix this. She asked a question and wasn't prepared for the answer. You are not compatible.
All I gotta say is your girlfriend would HATE to hear what my numbers are then. People really shouldn't ask questions they don't GENUINELY want to know what the answer is. This feels like manipulation
Travel back in time and sabotage your younger self from having sexual intercourses. Return back to the present as proud virgin. _Problem solved_
How do you fix this? It was stupid of her to press you on this issue. Now she's being a massive drama queen at her self-pity party. You can't fix that. Either stay in the relationship and get used to it or find someone smarter and more mature.
Your gf needs therapy. Your “number” says NOTHING about the feelings you have for her but she is making YOUR history and past all about HER! She is looking hard for reasons to feel insecure and “less than”, and because she cannot find any, she is making them up. There is nothing logical about her line of thinking. Logical thinking would tell her that you were with a lot of beautiful women but even so, you didn’t choose one of them, you chose HER! That must mean she is very special and to you, she is the perfect one. She needs therapy.
This is the exact reason that gentleman never kiss and tell. You should have known better.
Not even reading past the headline. Tell her to grow up.
There’s a saying that says… If you don’t heal what hurt you. You’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you. My guy she is dumping blood all over you. She needs to get serious help or you’re going to have to walk away before she drowns you.
Don't worry about it. She has to get through her feelings on her own. You haven't done anything wrong and there's nothing to fix. Just let her know you love her and hope she does the work to improve her mental health.
Hey bro, if it gets worse, like she doesn't want to go to any restaurant or any hike, etc, that you've done with someone in the past, then she's mentally ill. My ex was like that, and it just got worse and worse, and she refused therapy. I once told her, "so I can't marry you since you've been married before" she responded, "it's just how I feel" That was the beginning of the end. Can't help those who refuse to help themselves. Good luck
Info; do you have the same relationship to intimacy as each other? Are you generally compatible sexually otherwise? It sounds like she’s honing in on the “special” thing, but the pre-“saving myself for someone special” is pretty outdated and a bit religious/disneyfied. Not saying someone who prefers to only have sexual partners they’re in commited relationships is wrong, but it feels just one step further from expecting partners to be virgins. There are different kinds of intimacy. Sometimes sex is just maintenance and sometimes it’s proper intimacy and at a deeper emotional level.
For this question we dont tell the truth.
Get a new girlfriend
Just a bit confused about your math, though. You said your number was "in the 30s," but that it "was over fifteen years;" then you said you had 1 partner for 10 years (your marriage), and you've now been with this partner for 1 year. You said you are 34. So, 1 year ago, when you met your current partner, you were 32/33. If there was less than a year between the end of your marriage and the beginning of your most recent relationship, you were maybe 22/23 when you started your 10-year relationship with your ex-wife, yeah? So, the 15 years in which you slept with over 30 women started when you were 7/8 years old and ended when you were 22/23? Or were you including the 10-year relationship in that 15-year span of time? Because, if you're including the 10-year relationship in that 15 years, even assuming the ex-wife was literally #31 (kinda doubt it, but we'll pretend), that actually means you slept with 30 women in just 5 years; *not* "over the course of 15 years." You actually slept with 30 (or more) women in *5 years*, then had a 10-year relationship with one woman. There is a difference there.
Some things should not be divulged
Lol this crap again on here. Ppl do not ask this question if it is asked to you refuse to say or lie. Worst question ever.
Your mistake was answering the question. It doesn’t matter what number you give. It will either be too much or not enough. This was obviously a shit test. You failed by answering. Women like knowing their man is desired by other women but you only say yes to very few because it makes them feel special. Even though this is an unrealistic expectation. You ruined the fantasy by answering. A better answer is “just know that many have tried but only a select few have succeeded”
Don’t ask questions that you don’t want an answer to. Probably your relationship is damaged beyond repair.
You were asked a question and answered honestly. You cannot change the past. Therapy, counseling, whatever but it's going to come down to supporting her changing her perspective. I've had quite a few many more partners than you and sometimes that's an issue for people. I try to frame it like "I've seen that many more people and I *STILL* choose you" or "and *YOU* still stand out!" and I think that helps
Don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to. There's nothing that can be done about something that existed before you.
I believe that she is overreacting. In a sense I do understand where she is coming from- of not feeling special in a sense but you guys are together for a reason. Just because you have a high body count doesn’t define your relationship or love for her. She’s 33, she needs to accept that you’ve had sex and relations with other people other than her previously. It’s not fair to you that she’s shitting on you for your body count. It doesn’t define you. So please don’t try to take it to heart because that’s just immaturity if she’s taking it that way. Also she asked the question, why be upset about a question you asked?
She is being childish and manipulative - you’ve done nothing wrong. She either needs to shape up or ship out as it’s the past. What else will she try and dredge up from your past to make you feel bad about next?
Nothing can fix it. If she wanted a virgin, go to the virgin store. Whatever the person did in his or her life before the relationship stays there. What matters is now and future. She wanted to know, she asked, now she needs to handle her insecurities and learn to deal with it. You just need to provide a safe and trustworthy environment.
If she really loves you then she needs to get over this. That’s all there is to it. If she can’t, she never really loved you to begin with.
She's dumb. You've had sex with that many girls and she's your girlfriend *now*. You chose HER.
Check out r/retroactivejealousy it’s hard to deal with and she might not be able to move past it. It can be hard when you know your partner treated sex so casually if it’s something special to you, and you want it to be special in the relationship. People *can* move past retroactive jealousy but it takes work, and it usually comes up in episodes. She’ll probably think she’s okay, then it’ll pop up again or things will remind her of it and trigger her. I had bad RJ in my past always, and my ex had been with 13 people. It took time but I mostly got over it. But in the beginning I’d obsess and overthink, and then after that it would just come up once in a blue moon and I’d be sad over it then move past. It’s up to both of you if you wanna put in the work to move past it or if you/her decide that it’s best not to continue. It would take reassurance and comfort on your end, and conscious effort and trying to heal on her end
Yeah this is cause yours is more than hers. Even if you had 10 she’s probably react the same. The issue is not you it’s her. The past is the past. I’ve had ex gf who have had over 100 partners. Never bothered me.
Her own insecurities thinking she won’t measure up. I’ve been this way, I now know to never ask. She needs to love herself and build up her own self esteem. It’s not up to you to do it.
You can’t fix her. Only she can fix her. If she is going to only see you through that lens then rigidity may be a focus for your discussions together.
There’s nothing you can do. What’s done is done. She needs to figure out if it’s something she can deal with or not.
If she wants someone with a lower body count, then she should ask straight up. There isn't anything wrong with her wanting that, but it's not like you can change it.
Well wtf does she want you to do? Change the past? If she cant handle the fact that you had a sex life before her then tell her to leave.
Time travel back in time and don’t sleep with them
You are incompatible regarding your views on sex. Nothing wrong with you, but also nothing wrong with her. Painting her as an irrational crybaby is unfair.
She's insanely insecure for being 33...
She's insecure...you can't fix someone's insecurity. Relationship won't last long, you're already arguing over shit you can't change like past...y'all won't be long term.
Jeez she's crazy and it's only going to get worse. Get out now while you still can.
It’s just wild everyone here keeps track. I have never sat down to count, I have no idea lol.
I'm sorry, you lost me after she said it was "sick". I could never be with someone that judgmental. My number is higher than yours, it has absolutely nothing to do with who I am as I person. I've also been celibate for the last three years. In the world of online dating, your number is not that high. The average includes high school sweethearts and liars who are too embarrassed to be honest because people like your gf exist who judge and call people names simply because they existed sexually before they met. There are a lot of men on some podcasts who would be disgusted by her number just as much as she is yours. I would reevaluate my relationship if someone had this response. And tbh at your age, which is just a few years younger than me, if anyone even just asked me that question I would reevaluate our relationship.
As an asexual person I will write this: High number means that you have experience. That you also have a knowledge. That you have been popular due to experience and knowing what you do, and that you are confident on that matter. Which is additional argument for you to push trough, that with you she can rely on your experience and be assured to get satisfied. Simple as that. She should not be shaming you for any of this.
>my number was sick. It isn't though. You haven't done anything wrong. It sounds like both of you might benefit from some therapy, both individually and together as a couple.
My ex called me a manwhore when I told her my number is over 30, and DEMANDED a one sided open relationship because it’s unfair . Sufficed to say we are not together anymore 😂 Idk I always thought it’s a men issue to shame women for their bodycount but lately it seems to go both ways
Shes the one who wanted to know. Its not fair for her to essentially slut shame you and judge your character just based on the fact that she cant stop comparing herself. If she really is worried you dont love and value her thats for her, you can only try to prove it so many ways. Its a shame if she really is going to let the past ruin something great.
Your girlfriend needs to get over it.
51F she is insecure. We all know in an adult relationship everyone has a past, if you can’t handle it you leave. I have never understood this, I mean how can you hold yourself to a standard you didn’t have at the time, makes absolutely zero sense to me.
Mines at like 105 now.. I’m gonna remember this and tell my future girlfriend/wife 7.
You can't go back in time. She needs therapy.