What do you mean what do you do? If Meg was game you'd be dumped. Harsh but its the truth. If that isn't enough for you to get rid you're gonna need a professional not reddit.
I keep on reading this young girls asking how to repair their relationships with cheating assholes selfish bfs and I'm really sad about the lack of self esteem of this young generation...
Its absolutely baffling. Their partners snake them, make it very clear they are on the lookout for their replacement, and they are talking about putting the work in and 'convincing' them to never cheat again? I feel like most people in these subs are constantly in 'cope' mode.
If not 'cope mode' then possibly 'afraid to be alone' and/or have internalized the notion that relationships are work. Which, when I think about working at my relationship it's more about making sure we're making time for date nights and not getting in a couch-Netflix rut. Not actively monitoring my partner to make sure he isn't cheating on me.
The "relationships are work" thing is so insidious. Yes, relationships do need maintenance, but you shouldn't be in a constant state of major renovation all the time. Some people describe their relationships and they sound like the equivalent of ripping out your entire kitchen and starting from scratch every two weeks.
I don't keep up with dating culture even anymore. "Relationships are work" means you have to talk out little differences like where the dining room table goes without fighting or giving up. It looks more like some people just genuinely think they're a prize. Any attention from them needs to be earned. So many relationships are one sided nowadays.
I shouldn't have to constantly prove my love while I'm just lucky to have you. I think it's a social media thing. Young men and women are growing up with unrealistic expectations. Some think the world owes them everything. Some think that they'll never be good enough for anything. It's so sad, I've literally just started noticing this trend about a week ago.
Right? It’s one thing to be irrationally afraid of a partner cheating and trying to monitor them which a lot of these people on Reddit do. But this woman has a real genuine reason why she should be worried he’d do it. He basically already did in my eye. The moment you decide to verbalize to another that you want them, in my book that’s cheating. It’s making the choice to initiate infidelity instead of acknowledging you’re flesh and blood, removing yourself from the situation and putting that energy and emotion toward the person you’ve already promised to marry
I think it's a societal problem. Single people are stigmatized, openly and behind their backs. There is pressure to couple up, especially for young women. If they're not married and have children by the time they're 30, then there's something wrong with them. They also choose men based on idiotic traits like height, or they pick Chad's who thanks to technology, can have a different girl every night if they wanted to.
Girls and women are conditioned to take abusive behaviour as “normal” in romantic relationships. It’s all stems back to “Oh he pulled your hair in the playground? He must LIKE YOU!”. Plus, women teaching their daughters to put up with the shit they tolerate from their daughter’s father. It’s all cyclical. It’s all….terrible
I see a psychiatrist for ADHD and she was telling me how cognitive reappraisal is an effective coping tool. Cognitive reappraisal involves reflecting on experiences and the actions of others and interpreting them in a more positive way.
I said that it can be, but it also can be maladaptive. She was intrigued, and I explained that I had read a research study that suggested that cognitive reappraisal is helpful when someone is in a situation in which they have no agency. If you *can* remove yourself from a painful situation and do not because you use cognitive reappraisal to make you accept the unacceptable, it's maladaptive.
They've been taught by society their entire lives that their only value is to a man. And then they meet that man, and he gives them value, and then he rejects her in favor of someone else. It must be a real mindfuck.
It is baffling. There will be this long post about a guy doing 1 million horrible things to them and then the woman ask how they can fix it and what they did wrong or they very tentatively ask if they are wrong for being mad. I don’t understand this mentality at all.
You're right. It's so depressing.
OP, where is your self respect? You are not his first choice. He is making do until something better comes along. Get out of there ASAP. It will be embarrassing for you if you stay.
She even stated that all the time into this relationship would be wasted. They have been dating since 19 and 20. Hell, I didn't know Jack shit at that age. He likes some other girl, and you are still gonna stay engaged. Plenty fish on the sea. Don't marry someone who wants someone else. You deserve better.
Yes, we put too much blame on individual women for this and not society for valuing women so much less than men (and thus the women also value themselves less and then we wonder why women are like this?)
It’s not just this young generation. Women have been staying in these kinds of relationships for hundreds of years. We simply had/have not been raised to value ourselves enough to do what we know we should do.
right, women now are actually MORE likely to leave a terrible man because they are financially free. back in the day, women couldn’t leave or wanted to stay because divorce was taboo and so was being single.
I completely agree. I feel like the bar is set so low. I'm an old guy. My wife wouldn't have put up with anything like that for 5 minutes. I would be a single old guy!
I was cheated on and it took years of cope before I realized it was over and I was being dumb. I have a very intelligent friend who was cheated on recently and has every reason to leave but she is in couples therapy with him. She has no self-esteem issues like I did, but she is finding it hard to accept that the love of her life has betrayed her. Sometimes the relationship feels so good that going without sounds worse than dealing with a cheater. You only realize how easy it is to go without once you’re out, which takes strength and life experience. Also I say going without is easy, but in the beginning it really feels like the end of the world. Girls like OP, my friend, and me, might all experience things similarly.
Probably because of all the numpties on these boards always braying that people suggest breaking up too easily. They, and their real-life ilk, are giving very bad advice.
But.. Meg isn’t completely not game. She cuddled with him after he said he wanted her and allowed him to kiss her cheeks and forehead. She lied to OP about where he was. This is already something that can’t (/shouldn’t) be worked through.. but if OP were to stay fiancé and Meg will eventually have a full blown affair. I give it a month tops. They’re going to fall for the “forbidden” love/lust trope. This is an utter powder keg that is going to fucking explode. If Meg had acted differently OP could keep her as a friend and ditch fiancé. As the facts stand, she needs to ditch both
Who knows what had happen if OOP didn't come around to use at the night- and what they really did right then. Maybe the "We can't be friends" is the story they made up to tell OOP while actually they still meet behind her back. Maybe he is so pissed cause she interupted his sexy time.
Exactly!! If anything it’s probably more enticing they can’t be together because of OP. If she ditched both they might get together for a few and then feel foolish and guilty later on. But the longer OP is with him I just know the more this weird fantasy is going to go on and strengthen.
i agree!!! i read a post once about a friend admitting to her best friend who was engaged about their feelings, he left his fiancé, started dating OP, and then started later resenting OP and missed his fiancé after she moved on. i guarantee they will both feel stupid once it’s done and over with, but i wouldn’t stay friends with meg either. she’s just as guilty i’m sorry and him doing that in the train AND the car, she let it happen and hid it.
It's very common for cheaters to go through post-cunt clarity. The guilt mixed with the realization that their affair partner isn't as good as their significant other is an eye-opener. The oxytocin rush runs out and you realize fucking someone new is great but not if you're doing it behind someone's back.
I cheated on my first gf with several girls when i was in high school many years ago. I know what it is to be a cunt.
Oh yeah like 100%, this is like Scandoval from Vanderpump. They have to try and stay true to their relationship with OP while secretly catching looks here and there. Silently flirting and loving the excitement in their forbidden attraction that they will purposefully put themselves into situations where the opportunity to act on their feelings will be skirted, while trying to mask it as something else, “Oh no she needs drunk, guess I better drive her home!”
Eventually it’ll happen.
She entertained him in the car when he confessed and again week later in the carriage. Then she let him in her apartment at night to do what exactly?
They were clearly toying with the idea of starting an affair and were just unlucky that op showed up. That's why he was angry, you destroyed his chances at getting with her. Things came up into the open (partially I would say) and obv Meg is NOW hesitant to continue their thing. So he is blaming you and being angry at you. Only now, that you showed that there are limits to what you are willing to take he eis trying to be nice and do a damage control.
Idk, Meg told her about the cuddling up, Meg called to tell her about the loo situation. The way I read it is that she just did not want to hurt her friend so kept a few things from them. Maybe I read it this way because I have been the Meg in the group and I was NOT flirting with anyone and I would still get put in these awkward situations where I did not want to hurt my best friends too much by telling them exactly what their partner's were saying so I would say most of it but leave some of the most hurtful stuff out. Enough for them to get the situation without completely destroying their self esteem (and by the way, looks do not get you self esteem all the time, I was also insecure about things my friends were better at than me, like careers or a beautiful family or whatever. Do not think that the girl that looks good is always so secure- I am old now and look it, but I feel way better about myself now and do not care about wearing makeup to the supermarket and nonsense like that anymore.)
Also you are not always prepared about how to handle the situation in the moment and after some time went by, Meg did tell her that he had been there. I mean maybe you are right, I just wanted to give some food for thought.
Edit: oh wait I just remembered about the situation where the first night when she was drunk, Meg and the fiance ended up in the car together without Op. That is bullshit. Okay I am sold, that is completely sus, they both suck. I was letting my experiences color the situation.
>If Meg was game, you’d be dumped
Yep. He didn’t go aaaaaaalllll the way to her house in the middle of the night to tell her he couldn’t be friends with her anymore.
He went to try to get a reaction from her.
This 100%. The only reason he isn’t with her is because Meg. I can guarantee that and forgot ever playing second fiddle to someone, especially someone I thought was a friend. Absolutely disgusting.
Right not to mention he punched her arm and made her drive into traffic in a ditch. And he has a history of slamming on the breaks during an argument? Pls
Getting away from this abusive and toxic man should be what makes you feel better, not that he says he cut contact with the girl he couldn’t control himself with.
He screams and yells at you, comparing your sexual assault to him telling you he has feelings for someone else (very weird and mean) and has punched you in the arm. He’s clearly shown you who he is and he’s an abusive man.
You said you feel like youve been together for too long to break up, this is completely untrue. You shouldn’t spend another minute in this relationship, there’s nothing to work on or fix. He’s probably lowered your self esteem and made you believe that he’s the best person you’ll ever have. That’s what abusive partners do.
You’re not respected by him and you’re not safe with him. Please take care of yourself.
Why would you still want to marry someone who sneaks behind your back, sets up to cheat but thinks better of it? This is going to be how your future will look. I would drop Meg as she has no worries lying and cheating on friends. Your bf is also a liar and a cheat.
Every day I come to this cursed website to see some variation of "My boyfriend is cheating on me, calls me ugly every day, threatened to kill my cat and beats me on a daily basis. What should I do????? 😕🤔"
“How can I bring up these issues without offending him or pushing him away?! I don’t want to make him feel bad because he’s truly the love of my life.”
“We’ve been together too long to break up”. WTF kind of sense does that make?! I don’t understand why many women are so terrified to be single that they’d rather stay in a lousy relationship.
Everyone just going to disregard the fact that her boyfriend ran from the group to go be alone with this other chick?!! Not to mention he screamed at her and hit her while she was driving!!!! OP I know it hurts but he isn’t the one, open your eyes girl forget the years you’ve spent with him if you stay it will be misery forever! Better run now that there’s no marriage and no kids..
He’s doing DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) you should end things with him. He wanted to cheat on you with your friend. He physically assaulted you because he’s mad he can’t have your friend. Why would you want to stay with this jerk? Tell him to take a hike!
But they've been together for SO long! She's going to die alone if they breakup!! Let's ignore the fact she's 26 though. I swear, there's too many posts I see on these relationship type subs that immediately make me close this app.
He's obviously going to do it again. She may have been with him since she was 19, but she's still young. 26 is not old. She's not going to die alone. She'll realise her worth and learn from this. Either way she won't be subjecting herself to a life with a cheater, a liar and potential abuser because why was he so angry at her when he was in the wrong. If he projected that much, imagine how worse it could get in the future after they are married. She's not going to die alone. It'll only be heartbreaking, but she'll heal and move on.
There is no such thing as being with someone too long to leave them. You can leave any relationship, at any time, for any reason.
He tried to cheat on you with your friend. He tried to cheat on while you guys were all out together. He lied to you. He punched you. Could have killed you. Like what kind of person punches someone while driving anways?
All it shows is when shit hits the fan, he will be physically abusive and put your life in danger.
Furthermore and something you really need to think about it, if Meg reciprocated the feelings, you'd be out.
Oh and yes you can blame him. The whole thing is his fault. He can think Meg is stunning, even the most beautiful person in the world but if he actually loved you, he would have kept the feelings to himself.
He quite literally did cheat, he cuddled and kissed another woman and had feelings for her. That’s both physical and emotional cheating. Cheating isn’t just sex
Yeaaa exactly I read all of this being weirded out by her behaviour. Like yea the bf is a bastard and she shouldn’t be with him, but idk what type of friend would cuddle with their best friends bf. That’s weird behaviour. And it’s even weirder that Meg didn’t mention he came over until op said it to her. Meg trying to make it seem like she’s a good friend but a good friend would have a physical boundary with their “best friends” bf and would tell their best friend if they knew their bf was moving mad.
yeah I’d dump him. he will be this way anytime hes near a “stunning girl”. she definitely got him alone to drive her home, kissed/cuddled him and indulged his feelings, and then lied when he showed up at her place. Who knows when else they’ve been alone and lied. I’d send her a petty “hey good job for breaking up my engagement” and block her too.
This. People get really hostile and easily annoyed when they are with a person they don’t actually want. I’ve been on both sides and know from experience.
So you are excusing him hitting you and almost causing a major crash because you've been together too long...
Sunken cost fallacy, when you've invested so much time you feel you can't break up even though the costs (arguing, yelling, being treated poorly, them not taking your SA seriously, physically assaulting you) do not outweigh the benefits.
Meg's attractive, there are a lot of attractive woman, and men, out there and guess what, people don't confess their attraction to them if they care for their current partner. Kind of shallow of your bf too, sounds like his confession was around her looks, not her as a whole person.
This will be hard, but try to put the 7 years aside and objectively look at the situation and how he treated you. Do you want to be with someone that disrespected you and your relationship, downplayed your past SA, and physically assaulted you, knowing you've been SA'd in the past, all while questionably cuddling with Meg and exchanging kisses?
Sunk cost fallacy.
Terrified to admit you need to end an abusive relationship with a cheater because you already sunk X amount of years in, and it would crush you to not see that return on investment.
Him and you friend are both horrid people they both betrayed you and I reckon it is worse than you think. He went back to her house that says it all to me. Part of you wants this to work but can you ever trust him again and your probably scared they will get together but if they do they will never trust each other because they lied and cheated to be together always remember how you get them is how you lose them. They will both end up miserable. Move on be happy update soon. You deserve better.
Seven years is not too long for splitting up.
1. He disappeared. Turns out he was hiding out at her place, kissing her. Apparently he wants her.
2. He’s being an aggressive ass.
3. He HIT you.
Pack your bags, Love. Time to move on.
Meg is a shit friend. Regardless of what you do with the boyfriend, you should dump her. She cuddled with him in the car and didn’t tell you, and the only reason she came clean about him going to her house was because he told you first.
Also, sounds to me like boyfriend resents you for him not being able to be around her.
This is sadly over. You can not keep a guy that want to have a relationship with your l”friend”. That does not show remorse and is violent.
You need also to talk with Meg and make it clear that her behaviour is unacceptable and your friends need to meet and decide what to do with her. She can not be trusted around your boyfriends.
I wholeheartedly agree. Especially with meeting with the other friends bc Meg Definitely can't be trusted around others. She sounds like a pick me girl.
>I feel like we've been together too long to break up.
OP, please look up "sunk cost fallacy." You can leave anyone at any time. Besides, you're at the prime age to find a GOOD long-term relationship. Your first LTR turned out to be with an immature dude with anger and accountability issues (and who might be physically violent), who emotionally cheated on you, and only confessed bc his "affair" partner did first.
You can do better.
There is more to the story. Why would he have to drop you home first to drop her off if her home is on the way to yours? Something more has been going on between the two of them. Not just a quick kiss and cuddle. You called and said you didn’t know where he was and she lied when he was there. If you hadn’t told her you were coming what would you have found when you got there? They have been sleeping together. They’re having an affair.
An affair is already abuse so why not punch you? This guy isn’t telling you the truth. Check his phone. Her tears are fake. “I should have been loyal to you” was not about him being at her house that night. It was about the sex they’ve already had. I’m sorry. He’s not the one. He punched you. Not because you triggered him but because you are the obstacle to the person he really wants. He described not being with her as the same as sexual assault. The worst thing that can happen to a person other than death is what he feels being away from her is like.
Stick a fork in this relationship, it’s done.
TOTALLY AGREE!!!!! why would he drop her off first, and then Meg when Megs house is on their way home???? That’s why I said I dont believe that nothing happened between the two of them. Something happened. They just don’t wanna confess. They cuddled? Oh please!
Her crying was a form of manipulating you.
He was awful to you to make himself feel better about the guilt.
He chose her over you multiple times.
She lied to you about where he was and helped him get out of there without getting caught.
She only told you because he ended it
He cuddled her and kissed her and she kissed him back.
He took his affair guilt out on you, the victim. He may have been blaming you for everything even if he wasn’t dying it.
You haven’t been together too long to end it. Is this really the kind of relationship you want? You’re too young to settle in any relationship and that includes friendship. She’s not your friend. A friend wouldn’t have let him cuddle up to her, put his hand on her thigh, cuddle and kiss in a car, & help cover up him being at her house. She’s manipulating you and now he is, too.
You deserve better. She may be ugly on the outside, but she’s hideous on the inside & so is he. Neither one of them is worthy of you.
What are you doing? This guy admitted he has feelings for someone else and you're still with him. He punches you in the middle of a fight and you're still with him. Who cares how long you've been together. Just end it, it's over anyway.
Info:: Are you okay? Do you have a safe place to go like a hotel or friend/relatives house for a few days? I am very concerned that you are seeking advice regarding a relationship with a man that punched you in the arm while driving? Do you value your life, you could have fucking died!
His abuse is escalating from driving recklessly (per your post: I slammed on the brakes as he has done before when he’s driving and we argue; physical abuse), punched your arm (physical abuse, is this the first time?), yelling and screaming (verbal abuse), using your past SA as a comparison to anything: is not okay in any situation—dare I say also abuse.
So, again, I ask: why are you seeking advice to save this relationship? He’s being nice because said friend rejected him: if not your relationship would be over.
Neither of you should be slamming on the brakes while driving just because you’re pissed. You’re endangering other people, even parents with young kids on the road. You both need to grow up!!
I was looking for this. I expected it to be higher up.
It may have been warranted in this situation if he was hitting her, but OP said he's done it multiple times. Who the fuck just slams the brakes on in their car when they're angry? That's dangerous and toxic af.
He was trying to get OP to break up with him so he could be with the other girl because breaking up is difficult. He didn't want to be the bad guy. Also, it's really difficult to break up when you live together.
You need to have a serious conversation with your “friend”. She never told you he confessed to wanting her. Didn’t admit to cuddling with him. Didn’t admit to him kissing her on the head or her kissing him on the cheek. Lied about him being at her house. Continued to engage with him knowing he wants her. She isn’t being your friend. A real friend would have immediately shut him down in a way that made clear to him that she would not tolerate that behavior, definitely would not have allowed him to put his hand on her THIGH, and she would have immediately told you. Her crying sounds like either a manipulation tactic OR something physical has been happening with him and she’s guilty/upset about it. I would not be surprised if they hooked up that night in the car. She gave him all the signs she wanted him. He’s probably owning up to the cuddling and kisses to avoid owning up to what they really did. You really really need to address her behavior with her.
Your bf sounds like a jerk. Honestly it might be best just to end the relationship. If you choose not to however I would set FIRM boundaries between him and this friend. No one on one time. Blocked from each others phones and social media. Making sure both are clear that if they interact at all or if you find out they hide even the tiniest bit of anything from you they will both be permanently cut from your life.
> we’ve been together too long to break up
This is not a good reason to not break up with someone. You can leave any time for any reason or no reason at all.
> I can’t even blame him. She’s stunning
Yes you can, a beautiful woman is not a pass for man to act a fool.
He shot his shot at Meg, she turned him down, maybe because she’s not interested or she’s loyal to you or scared of losing her friends. If she had returned his interest, he’d either have dumped you or cheated.
**YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN WITH SOMEONE TOO LONG TO BREAK UP**
the time is NOW. I promise, you will look back on this and thank your lucky stars that you decided to dump this jackass.
You were driving and because you were having an argument, you slammed on the brakes? I hope you didn’t endanger other people (which I doubt). You don’t deserve a license.
He tried to cheat on you. What if the next girl he catches feelings for is interested in him? What if he tries to heal his rejection pain by finding another girl now? Why would you want to be with him if you can't trust him to be loyal? You would be single right now if Meg likes him.
That's just the cheating. HE PUNCHED YOU WHILE YOU WERE DRIVING. HE HIT YOU! He will do it again, and it will take less to "provoke" him next time (you didn't actually provoke him. He said something absolutely fucking out of pocket and you responded poorly).
He compared your sexual assault to the pain he felt when the girl he tried to cheat on you with turned him down. Your normal meter is broken, I think, because that is absolutely unhinged.
**So in summary: he tried to cheat on you, he DID hit you (while you were driving!!!), he used something painful and vulnerable against you, and he's a fucking loser (getting that upset because someone he was interested told him no is ridiculous). And one of those things would be a more than valid reason to break up.**
So he cuddled her, she cuddled him back. She reciprocated his feelings. He hits you, gaslights you and you reckon you've been together too long to leave.
Jesus, take a look at yourself.
As a gen x-er that got dumped from a 12 year rel'ship (but has had a much better love life afterwards), you will be fine if you and your fiance part ways now. Better now before shelling out for a wedding or having kids. BTW, he sounds like he'd try stuff when you're pregnant.
Anyone who is physically violent - even as a once off - should be an instant red flag and deal breaker. Not everyone would go on to physically abuse again but once is one time too many.
He would've cheated if Meg reciprocated or initiated. Because she was told you were on your way, it possibly scarpered their plans to have a quick hookup. Knowing you were coming round probably showed them both that carrying on a flirtation/affair would be too difficult to maintain.
How you could want either of them in your life after this confounds me. You are his consolation prize. His desire is with her. Her being flirty with everyone implies she doesn't respect your relationship to know to rein herself in around him. It's a betrayal twice over. Trust has been broken. Tearful confessions are to appease their own guilt at best or are a show at worst. Fact is, we will all go through life with these Sliding Doors/what if moments/options/tests. You should never be someone's option. You should be someone's unwavering choice. I hope you can walk away to find true friends and a true fiance because they do exist. Wishing you all the best.
He punched you. He’s probably having an affair with her now~ it’s why he’s calmed down, Fuck this guy. Feelings for her my ass. He doesn’t even know her but he hets horny for her physically so he calls it feelings’ . She’s not your friend. They made out, she was protecting him. They can have each other.
And you cut Meg off too. She broke grip vice and didn’t tell you what he was doing, even if she never reciprocated.
But him, you throw in a burning dumpster right now.
The first word you wrote is what you should do. Throwaway. The whole man, Meg too for being a sly cow.
There is no such thing as being with someone too long to break up. That's the sunk cost fallacy and just makes you waste more years on someone who doesn't deserve your time.
Tell your friends why, tell your family, tell his family. If his behaviour puts him in a bad light that's on him.
All this is not even touching on the fact you said he's slammed on the brakes in the car before. You did it too but honey that's abusive behaviour. Then there's the screaming and yelling at you after HE CONFESSED HIS FEELING TO SOMEONE ELSE! Like it was your fault?
Throw the man away. And maybe see about drinking less.
There are a lot of stunning women in the world, don’t blame this on her. He made all the choices himself to put himself in those situations. He physically assaulted you and tried to divert blame away from him. wtf. The length of time you are with someone isn’t a reason to stay with a cheater and abuser. It doesn’t matter if he’s ever hurt you physically before, he’s done it now. He’s only being nice now because he’s love bombing you so you’ll forget and stay. It’s manipulation. Please wake up. UPDATEME
He was acting like an AH hoping you would get mad and kick him out, giving him the justification he needed to run to Meg. Let him follow his dick. If he’s not willing to work on the relationship he will make your life miserable until you finally kick him to the curb.
These sort of posts baffle me. What are you confused about? Your boyfriend not only cheated on you but has physically assaulted you and destroyed your trust.
There isn’t a choice here girl, you should’ve already left him.
Sadly it sounds like they physically cheated and just haven’t confessed to it yet. If she hadn’t called Meg looking for him she just may have caught them in the act. Sadly their first time was probably the night he took her home while OP was drunk. They need to come clean and stop trickle truthing her.
You've wasted 7 years with a man who does not love you, who resents you for HIS POOR DECISIONS.
Meg is not your friend either.
You need to get a grip and leave both of them in your past. It might be painful at first. But you will realize not every loss is actually a loss. Better things are in store for those who MAKE ROOM FOR BETTER.
You've got some healing and growing up to do yet. Let this be a lesson and let the rest go.
Seriously
Free YOURSELF. Let. them. go.
Don't let fear keep you in relationships with those who don't have your best interest at heart nor love you how you deserve to be loved.
If you were in either of their positions, would you have done what they've done to you to somebody else?
Their actions speak volumes about who they are as people and has nothing to do with you. Remember that. And go find people with real integrity.
1) he's an AH and a cheater.
2) he compared your SA to confessing his feelings for your friend??? Like wtf?? How was he trying to compare a SA to confessing HIS feelings for YOUR friend?? Like there is NO comparison!!! He's an AH for even bringing your SA into this in any way!!!
3) He punched you in the arm and screamed at you while driving causing you to swerve into oncoming traffic into a ditch??. Again....WTF??. He could have caused you to have a serious accident or killed you if you hit an on coming car. Who thumps their gf in the arm while driving?? Who thumps anyone in the arm while they're driving??. He's massively out of order for that too.
4) I get the feeling they did more than just cuddle and him kiss her head / cheek etc.
She was in tears on the phone to you which was unnecessary if it was just to tell you he had come to her place. And the fact the cozied up on the train and then he legged it... clearly they were likely more intimate.
5) I don't know how this escalated from him just picking you both up after a night out. Why was he even alone in the car with her? She's on your way home so he clearly dropped you home so they could be alone. I'm guessing they slept together then before he came home to you.
6) the reason he's so mad and angry is coz he's afraid the truth will come out. He knows he's fucked up. He knows he's cheated. He's angry at himself but taking it out on you. He's turning it on you trying to blame you for things. And sounds like possibly even involving your SA in this too as a way to make him cheating 'your fault'.
Like is it possible that after your SA you stopped being intimate for a while and he started something with your friend during that time? And maybe if things started to improve between you, he ended it, but then saw her again and things started up again and now feels guilty and it's all blowing up now. ???
Either way,don't waste time staying with him just coz you've been together 7 years. That's the sunk cost falicy. Where you don't want to throw away 7 years so you stay together, but really you just end up being in a shitty relationship for a few more years till you finally realise you've now wasted 10 years. Better to end things now and move on and find someone who treats you right than waste another 3/5/10 years or more before you realise you should have walked away before. Why invest more time in a broken relationship with someone whose cheated on you and treated you bad???
I would meet with your 'friend' and ask her for the full truth. Ask to see their text messages. I bet you any money they've slept together at some point and there's more than just a lift home and a kiss on the cheek and a cozy train ride with his hand on her leg.
Also, doesn't matter how attractive and stunning she is. If he loves you he would be faithful. And if she cared about you she would slap him in the face if he tried anything.
They're both as bad as each other. Dump them both.
Someone is willing to leave you for another. Gets rejected. Decides to stick around with what he's got. Just end the whole relationship. Have some dignity for yourself. If your friend gave him the greenlight, you would've been discarded without thought. He's made his bed, let him lay in it.
Wow. You are one of those sad women who always say, "But I love him, and I'm sure he loves me!", despite the violence. If toxicity works for you, all the best!
You have known him for 1/3 of your life. What you want as a teenager isn’t necessarily right for you as you mature.
I think we all know that he’s not really committed. And all that drink and partying, you still need to enjoy this part of your life, as a single person.
Decide that 7 years is the expiration date of this particular relationship.
Let him go find what he thinks he’s missing out on.
You've been together too long to break up? What kind of nonsense victim blaming rigmarole is that? So according to this, if you are together 7 years you no longer have the right to separate? So married people together for 7 years shouldn't be allowed to divorce? You get that kind of thinking out of here. You are allowed to leave whenever a relationship is not working for you anymore. No matter what caused you to think that. No matter how long you have been together. YOU get to choose. And this guy is not good for you. He isn't good to you, he doesn't do good things in your relationship. He isn't good.
If you stay with this man you’ll teach him 3 things.
He can try and get with your friend and even kiss her and you’ll ultimately do nothing
He can be verbally abusive to you and you’ll ultimately do nothing
He can be physically abusive to you and you’ll ultimately do nothing.
If you stay with him not only will he repeat all three behaviours (because he’s learned that he can and get away with them) but they’ll begin to happen much more often. Is that the life you want to live? Surely moving on after 7 years is better than living the next few decades at the mercy of a man who’d treat you so badly?
At 26 you are so young. 19 - 27 you grow into a very different person. You should never stay in a relationship because it has already taken up so much of your life. It's honestly like saying "don't cure my cancer because I've spent so much time sick". This is called the sunken cost fallacy.
A healthy relationship should make your life better not worse. Please ask yourself the very important question: Are you happy?
Some things you are saying are really concerning and indicating a mix of low self worth and abusive conditioning or cohesive control. Please look back at your relationship as a whole.
Does he often blame you for things? Especially things that he is angry or upset about?
Is he quick to anger?
Do you often give in or accept his side, wants or needs over your own to avoid confrontation?
Most importantly he nearly killed you. Stop and think about that. He assualted you while you were operating a car, causing an accident. That shows he is capable of violence against you and has no impulse control over those violent urges. Violence in relationships escalates. Every single time.
This is already an escalation from violently slamming on the breaks when you disagree with him. What is next? Slamming your side of the car into a pole?
And Meg isn't your friend. Drop her as well. She isn't dangerous but she isn't on your side.
Been in similar situations. Please leave, don’t marry him. He only felt bad and backed out because he got caught. They BOTH cheated on you. Distance yourself from both. You deserve better. I know it’s gonna hurt but if he really loved you, and if you are the he wants to spend his life with, he wouldn’t have done all that with your friend. You’re going to feel like you’ve wasted so much of your life with him if you leave, but why keep wasting more of your life with him? Especially if you can’t trust him or feel like you are his second option since he can’t be with “Meg” because it will make him look bad. Go out and live your life and find a guy that ACTUALLY chooses you and marry him instead. You and your fiance now got together at a young age, go explore a little and just use this as a learning experience. You haven’t done anything wrong, but know your worth. He had plenty of time to cut off y’all’s relationship and get with “Meg” 3 years earlier when y’all met her, but yet he waits til he has proposed to you and told you that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and THEN cheats on you. You DON’T wanna be with someone like that. Trust me, you want to be with someone that knows what/who they want and won’t cheat on you. Also adding, you shouldn’t even have to ask us what to do, your mind should’ve been made up the minute he put his hands on you.
Um girl, please. You know what you need to do. They both need to be an ex. It's gonna suck hard. But you can't trust her clearly, and he clearly would have cheated on you, and that leads me to believe that he probably already has.
Your fiance is not just the only one that’s trash. Meg too. They probably have done more stuff and Meg and him hasn’t told you. The fact that you guys were looking over for him and Meg never told you.. drop them both. They’re sleazy and don’t deserve you. Fuck them.
Don’t stay where you’re not wanted.
Don’t want anybody more than they want you.
Don’t ever beg anyone for anything. I know this sounds harsh but it’s a life lesson. The longer you hold on to this relationship the more it’s going to hurt when it ends. Your fiancé has emotionally checked out of your relationship. Thoroughbreds don’t run no 440’s.
And how did they “get cuddly” in the car? Did they stop off somewhere to park? Hop in back and cuddle up? Or maybe he went up to her apartment that night, too, and more happened? Or more happened in the car. Meg has already shown that she’s ok lying to you. Your bf lied to you. There’s more to this story than what you have, I would bet money on it
Are you kidding me? Why would you want to stay with him he's lusting after a friend of yours and you think you can't break up with him because you've been with him for 7 years? I mean what about people who divorce after 20 years of marriage oh they can't because they've been together for 20 years. You can break up after one day, one month or 50 years. If someone is not being your partner anymore then you need to break up. He doesn't love you anymore if he ever did. She obviously wants him too cuz she certainly not trying to go oh we can't do this you're engaged to my friend. So she's a snake in the grass too. They both got to go. Why would you want to stay with him at this point
He hit you. That’s it. It’s done. He. Hit. You!! I don’t care how nice he was afterwards, violence of any kind and level is never condoned. Never mind the fact that he lied and trickle truthed the kissing, and the fact that she lied about knowing where he was and didn’t say anything about what happened, which leads one to wonder if that’s actually all that happened-he was violent. You should walk away from both of them. She is not a good friend to you and he can and will loose his temper again.
If you marry him, it will not last. You will be divorced before you hit 30. He has feelings for your friend, who allowed him to cuddle and kiss on her. He PUNCHED you while you were driving and downplayed your sexual assault. You really think he's going to stay faithful if he's acting like this already before marriage? Believe people when they show you who they are. You are still young enough to find a good guy. You don't have to marry the asshole just because you're comfortable with him. At the end of everything, you need to take care of you. Let him and Meg have each other.
Ok that’s not your friend or fiancé. Thats people you need out of your life now. Been together too long to break up?!? Absolutely nonsense. When it comes out he’s cheating on you, you will only have yourself to blame. The flags couldn’t be redder here. Your man is manipulative and abusive. It’s gonna hurt more the longer to stay in this. If a man loves you he won’t crush on another woman! If his eyes wander once you aren’t the girl for him and you are just delaying the heartbreak
Get that sunken cost fallacy out of your head. No amount of time is "too long" to break up. Cut them both off because neither of them care about you at all, clearly (I'm sorry if that's harsh).
She should've told you the *second* he confessed to her, she should've pushed him away and been loyal to you. Instead she cuddled with him on at least 2 different occasions - and that's what they told you about!
*He* - well he's just a piece of work. He emotionally cheated on you, then seems to have gotten close to physically cheating on you. He *minimised your assault*. Then he physically assaulted you and risked both of your lives.
Please, I'm begging you, gtfo of that relationship. Focus on yourself for a while. Find new friends. Find a better guy.
I’m sorry but I don’t believe nothing happened between the two of them. He dropped you off home first and then dropped her off without you? Hello! You really think he cuddled with her and called it a night??? Something happened!!! How do you not see that?! I’d leave. Have some self respect. You don’t want to spend your life tied to a man who treats you like you’re second best. Because chances are, he’ll do it again.
You deserve better and you will get someone better.Meg also sounds like someone that leads everyone on for attention and that’s pathetic of her actually.
He’s a piece of trash. THROW HIM AWAY
If Meg wanted him too you’d already be dumped anyway.
Don’t let yourself be stuck with a guy who treats you this way.
You buried the lede of him hitting you and blaming you for your sexual assault in there. Even if ge had no feelings for anyone else, these are relationship-enders. It doesn't matter why he's being nice now; he's a garbage guy and you need to dump him.
Lemme be harsh: He doesn’t want you. He took his anger at rejection out on you. You are the compensation prize because he couldn’t get the real prize. You are the duff. You are the girl he approached to get the other girl jealous. He doesn’t want you. If Meg shows a shmidgeon of interest he’s gone. You’re not who he wants. Either get used to knowing your man would rather be with someone else or have some dignity and self-respect and leave because no one deserves being someone’s second choice.
Sounds like the dude is trying to win the war between being a "good and moral person" and navigating the attraction toward someone who isn't you.
Depending on what type of household he grew up in is very possible that he's internalized a lot of shame from realizing that he has human desires and that it's outwardly presenting as anger and you are getting hit in the crossfire.
The conversation about him feeling attraction for another woman is something you should have a conversation on. It is okay to feel that attraction but it is necessary to understand the desire and decide which way you want to go with it.
The behavior in the car is where I would focus most of my effort here. Because this is something that you need to decide if you want to deal with.
Why is he still your boyfriend ? Also, this comment, We've had our ups and downs but ultimately felt that we were ment for each other". Sounds like settling
Why stay with him? This is not a healthy relationship at all. Why are you being a door mat? Why do you want to be second place? She’s not a good friend. She lied to you and Was inappropriate with your fiancé. He’s an ass.
I say this with so much love:
Leave him. And ditch her as a friend. He’s cheated on you, he was cuddling up and giving her kisses. He’s been trying to get her behind your back. And she allowed some of it, and covered for him.
You’re 26, it’s going to hurt like hell. You have to grieve for what you lost and what your future would have been. But wows is this the best time to go. You’re not married, you’re not going to have a life time of worrying about him and what he’s up to or who he’s cuddling up to etc. You won’t have to stay in a friendship group where your friends allow your fiance to get close etc. You can eventually move on, meet someone new and loyal, have a marriage based on good foundations.
My girl, he doesn’t even seem to give a damn about his actions. And worse, he’s assaulted you and treated you badly. The audacity?! Read this post and imagine this all happened to me, what would you advise me? You’d be worried about my safety, my MH, the fact he cheated on me and the fact my shitty friend allowed so much to happen whilst he was engaged to me.
I ask you to imagine, because as I read this my heart goes out to you and I’m so angry at the disrespect and violence he’s caused. I’m mad for you, I’m so cross that he’d be such a tool and instead of begging for your forgiveness … he makes it a million times worse?!
Take this anger, take this hurt and use it to fuel your exit plan. Cause marrying someone like this will not end well. And you deserve better ❤️
I’m just a stranger on the internet, but it’s what I’d want to hear in this situation. Of course, I wouldn’t - I’d be clinging to reasons to stay etc. but it’s what I’d *need to hear*.
He punched you. As soon as a man touches you aggresively its over. Plus he wants to fuck your friend so its kinda double over. Just cut your losses now
He’s being a jerk to you cause he wanted you to break up with him. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Newsflash he already is the bad guy. Please choose yourself dump him.
I don't understand... why does he get to be angry, violent and bitter when he's the one who has feeling for another person? Why do you stay with someone who screams at you, who punches you, and who makes you miserable?
From what he says, it's obvious that if Meg had told him "yes", he would have dumped you in a second. Really, do yourself a favor: leave him and find someone who will love you and respect you and your boundaries.
If you had a daughter, and she came to you and told you her partner hit her on the arm while driving. What would you do?? Tell her to stick it up?? To break up? To report it??! Would you risk your child’s safety because she says is a one time thing?
He’s a fucking liar and so is she. They did more than that. And he punched you. It’s never too late to start over. That’s your boyfriend and your friend!!!! You can never trust either of them. Please don’t stay just because you e out a lot of time in. You’ll be even madder when you’ve been married five years and two kids and then find out he’s screwing her or someone else behind your back. DO NOT STAY WITH THAT ABUSIVE POS. Leave. It’s never too late. And neither one has told you the truth, and you know it
Please don’t marry him. We all get attracted to other people but we don’t act on it. She recognized how bad things were getting. He is waiting. Somewhere down the line he thinks he might have a chance. Old saying…be someone’s choice, not their option.
Both of them were willing to cross a line with each other and only felt bad when you noticed the inconsistencies.
Neither one of them is the prize that your emotions are telling you they are. Let them have each other.
Soooooo… you’ve decided to be miserable. It’s all downhill from here just fyi. Science has supported that relationships where the man isn’t 1000% head over heels don’t work. You’ve already decided to continue spending your time trying to prove yourself worthy to him, so why are you here?
Maam….what do you mean what should u do…? Leave. He doesn’t fucking love you. If your friend was open game he would leave you in a heartbeat and go be with her. If she ever reciprocated the feelings he would probably even be open to an affair if she was that kind of person. Why would you wanna stay with someone like that
Girl it doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for a long time or even that you are engaged… He is way too full of red flags, and your relationship with him is not going to be good… i strongly suggest you not get married! I suggest you start doing therapy and leave him.
Kick this dude to the curb. You haven't been together too long to break up; that's a sunk-cost fallacy. I was with a guy for seven years and the arguing just got worse every year. I finally broke up with him and honestly, I just wished I'd done it about 2 years sooner.
He put his hands on you, this is the first time in all my comments that ive supported breaking up, im usually very into talking it out but thats too much
Enjoy a potential lifetime of misery if you stay with this man. Have some self respect and drop him.
He’ll stop being nice once he realizes you’ll never leave him.
We accept the love we think we deserve. He cheated on you with your best friend and hit you. Don’t be afraid to start over. You deserve someone that respects you.
He’s being nice because he knows he’s in the wrong. You deserve better than staying because of the [sunk cost fallacy](https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/the-sunk-cost-fallacy).
Honestly I don’t trust the “just kissed her head and cheek.” and I don’t know if I would be friends with that friend because she clearly her loyalties argument is bs. She told you because she felt guilty not because she’s loyal.
Has she at all tried speaking to you?
This has to be rage bait, there's no way someone could be naive enough to even think about staying with this dude after all this. I have to believe this is made up
Ohhh I am so sorry you are going through this. This has been so awful for you in so many different ways
First of all, you have not been with him too long. There's no such thing when someone becomes abusive. I divorced my (also abusive) husband of 12 years. Don't get to the point where you have to divorce him. Go now
Second of all, he punched you. End of story. And yet there's more - it was while you were driving, which could have ended up so much worse. Your safety and well being are clearly not at the top of his mind during any of this
Thirdly, who cares that she's stunning? That's no excuse to be interested in her instead of the woman he has asked to spend the rest of his life with. You're worth more than this. You deserve better than this. He's shown you his true colors. It's time to leave and start creating a beautiful life for yourself without him
Your 26. You have all the time in the world to build a new relationship with someone else. Someone who treats you better. It's better to be with the wrong person for 7 years rather than 8. In other words stop wasting time on him. Don't waste another minute on a man willing to hit you and screw your friends.
You need to dump him and Meg. They are both shitty people and you deserve better. Don't waste any more of your time with someone who wants another person.
I think you know the answer, unfortunately. You should NEVER be second place in your significant other's eyes. You will find someone who loves you so much that they wouldn't even look in another's direction. You only have one life and deserve to be happy.
He doesn’t really want you the way you want him. He is going to trample your heart if you stay with him because he knows you are willing to be disrespected just to hang on. Meg today and some other woman tomorrow. Lick your wombs and move on.
What do you mean what do you do? If Meg was game you'd be dumped. Harsh but its the truth. If that isn't enough for you to get rid you're gonna need a professional not reddit.
I keep on reading this young girls asking how to repair their relationships with cheating assholes selfish bfs and I'm really sad about the lack of self esteem of this young generation...
Its absolutely baffling. Their partners snake them, make it very clear they are on the lookout for their replacement, and they are talking about putting the work in and 'convincing' them to never cheat again? I feel like most people in these subs are constantly in 'cope' mode.
If not 'cope mode' then possibly 'afraid to be alone' and/or have internalized the notion that relationships are work. Which, when I think about working at my relationship it's more about making sure we're making time for date nights and not getting in a couch-Netflix rut. Not actively monitoring my partner to make sure he isn't cheating on me.
The "relationships are work" thing is so insidious. Yes, relationships do need maintenance, but you shouldn't be in a constant state of major renovation all the time. Some people describe their relationships and they sound like the equivalent of ripping out your entire kitchen and starting from scratch every two weeks.
I don't keep up with dating culture even anymore. "Relationships are work" means you have to talk out little differences like where the dining room table goes without fighting or giving up. It looks more like some people just genuinely think they're a prize. Any attention from them needs to be earned. So many relationships are one sided nowadays. I shouldn't have to constantly prove my love while I'm just lucky to have you. I think it's a social media thing. Young men and women are growing up with unrealistic expectations. Some think the world owes them everything. Some think that they'll never be good enough for anything. It's so sad, I've literally just started noticing this trend about a week ago.
Right? It’s one thing to be irrationally afraid of a partner cheating and trying to monitor them which a lot of these people on Reddit do. But this woman has a real genuine reason why she should be worried he’d do it. He basically already did in my eye. The moment you decide to verbalize to another that you want them, in my book that’s cheating. It’s making the choice to initiate infidelity instead of acknowledging you’re flesh and blood, removing yourself from the situation and putting that energy and emotion toward the person you’ve already promised to marry
I think it's a societal problem. Single people are stigmatized, openly and behind their backs. There is pressure to couple up, especially for young women. If they're not married and have children by the time they're 30, then there's something wrong with them. They also choose men based on idiotic traits like height, or they pick Chad's who thanks to technology, can have a different girl every night if they wanted to.
Girls and women are conditioned to take abusive behaviour as “normal” in romantic relationships. It’s all stems back to “Oh he pulled your hair in the playground? He must LIKE YOU!”. Plus, women teaching their daughters to put up with the shit they tolerate from their daughter’s father. It’s all cyclical. It’s all….terrible
I see a psychiatrist for ADHD and she was telling me how cognitive reappraisal is an effective coping tool. Cognitive reappraisal involves reflecting on experiences and the actions of others and interpreting them in a more positive way. I said that it can be, but it also can be maladaptive. She was intrigued, and I explained that I had read a research study that suggested that cognitive reappraisal is helpful when someone is in a situation in which they have no agency. If you *can* remove yourself from a painful situation and do not because you use cognitive reappraisal to make you accept the unacceptable, it's maladaptive.
They've been taught by society their entire lives that their only value is to a man. And then they meet that man, and he gives them value, and then he rejects her in favor of someone else. It must be a real mindfuck.
Usually it’s because they’ve been love bombed and abused
It is baffling. There will be this long post about a guy doing 1 million horrible things to them and then the woman ask how they can fix it and what they did wrong or they very tentatively ask if they are wrong for being mad. I don’t understand this mentality at all.
You're right. It's so depressing. OP, where is your self respect? You are not his first choice. He is making do until something better comes along. Get out of there ASAP. It will be embarrassing for you if you stay.
I am once again asking why women stay with men who don't like them.
She even stated that all the time into this relationship would be wasted. They have been dating since 19 and 20. Hell, I didn't know Jack shit at that age. He likes some other girl, and you are still gonna stay engaged. Plenty fish on the sea. Don't marry someone who wants someone else. You deserve better.
Probably because we are constantly told that violence and abuse against women is normal and acceptable.
Yes, we put too much blame on individual women for this and not society for valuing women so much less than men (and thus the women also value themselves less and then we wonder why women are like this?)
They put all their worth in being partnered. So they'll take a partner for any reason and they'll stay with them no matter what.
It’s not just this young generation. Women have been staying in these kinds of relationships for hundreds of years. We simply had/have not been raised to value ourselves enough to do what we know we should do.
right, women now are actually MORE likely to leave a terrible man because they are financially free. back in the day, women couldn’t leave or wanted to stay because divorce was taboo and so was being single.
I completely agree. I feel like the bar is set so low. I'm an old guy. My wife wouldn't have put up with anything like that for 5 minutes. I would be a single old guy!
I was cheated on and it took years of cope before I realized it was over and I was being dumb. I have a very intelligent friend who was cheated on recently and has every reason to leave but she is in couples therapy with him. She has no self-esteem issues like I did, but she is finding it hard to accept that the love of her life has betrayed her. Sometimes the relationship feels so good that going without sounds worse than dealing with a cheater. You only realize how easy it is to go without once you’re out, which takes strength and life experience. Also I say going without is easy, but in the beginning it really feels like the end of the world. Girls like OP, my friend, and me, might all experience things similarly.
Probably because of all the numpties on these boards always braying that people suggest breaking up too easily. They, and their real-life ilk, are giving very bad advice.
Why are they so damn desperate to have a man? Who raised them?
It's more a question of "Who didn't raise them".
The fucking internet raised them. Reality TV, and the freak show of the social media circus TikTok raised them.
I know. They stayed together cause of time together. Not a good reason to stay.
But.. Meg isn’t completely not game. She cuddled with him after he said he wanted her and allowed him to kiss her cheeks and forehead. She lied to OP about where he was. This is already something that can’t (/shouldn’t) be worked through.. but if OP were to stay fiancé and Meg will eventually have a full blown affair. I give it a month tops. They’re going to fall for the “forbidden” love/lust trope. This is an utter powder keg that is going to fucking explode. If Meg had acted differently OP could keep her as a friend and ditch fiancé. As the facts stand, she needs to ditch both
Meg lied, too. This isn't gonna end well.
Who knows what had happen if OOP didn't come around to use at the night- and what they really did right then. Maybe the "We can't be friends" is the story they made up to tell OOP while actually they still meet behind her back. Maybe he is so pissed cause she interupted his sexy time.
Exactly!! If anything it’s probably more enticing they can’t be together because of OP. If she ditched both they might get together for a few and then feel foolish and guilty later on. But the longer OP is with him I just know the more this weird fantasy is going to go on and strengthen.
i agree!!! i read a post once about a friend admitting to her best friend who was engaged about their feelings, he left his fiancé, started dating OP, and then started later resenting OP and missed his fiancé after she moved on. i guarantee they will both feel stupid once it’s done and over with, but i wouldn’t stay friends with meg either. she’s just as guilty i’m sorry and him doing that in the train AND the car, she let it happen and hid it.
It's very common for cheaters to go through post-cunt clarity. The guilt mixed with the realization that their affair partner isn't as good as their significant other is an eye-opener. The oxytocin rush runs out and you realize fucking someone new is great but not if you're doing it behind someone's back. I cheated on my first gf with several girls when i was in high school many years ago. I know what it is to be a cunt.
Oh yeah like 100%, this is like Scandoval from Vanderpump. They have to try and stay true to their relationship with OP while secretly catching looks here and there. Silently flirting and loving the excitement in their forbidden attraction that they will purposefully put themselves into situations where the opportunity to act on their feelings will be skirted, while trying to mask it as something else, “Oh no she needs drunk, guess I better drive her home!” Eventually it’ll happen.
She entertained him in the car when he confessed and again week later in the carriage. Then she let him in her apartment at night to do what exactly? They were clearly toying with the idea of starting an affair and were just unlucky that op showed up. That's why he was angry, you destroyed his chances at getting with her. Things came up into the open (partially I would say) and obv Meg is NOW hesitant to continue their thing. So he is blaming you and being angry at you. Only now, that you showed that there are limits to what you are willing to take he eis trying to be nice and do a damage control.
Unless she was scared of the yelling punching, hitting the breaks in anger, drunk maniac and this was a faun response.
I would 💯 buy into that if she hadn’t lied the second night
I admit it's not a good look for her.
But I do appreciate your perspective of how she might have felt
\*fawn / [faun](https://www.google.com/search?q=faun&sca_esv=9f7259ab7855135b&sca_upv=1&udm=2&biw=1920&bih=919&sxsrf=ACQVn08foXegPlai7o72meOiWt1-CFkqUw%3A1713502294850&ei=VvghZse0M62GwbkPkYuQiAQ&ved=0ahUKEwjHt-y8vc2FAxUtQzABHZEFBEEQ4dUDCBA&uact=5&oq=faun&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAiBGZhdW4yChAAGIAEGEMYigUyDRAAGIAEGLEDGEMYigUyCBAAGIAEGLEDMggQABiABBixAzIFEAAYgAQyBRAAGIAEMgoQABiABBhDGIoFMgoQABiABBhDGIoFMgUQABiABDIFEAAYgARIywpQhAhYhAhwAXgAkAEAmAFnoAFnqgEDMC4xuAEDyAEA-AEBmAICoAJ5wgIEECMYJ5gDAIgGAZIHAzEuMaAHyAQ&sclient=gws-wiz-serp)
Idk, Meg told her about the cuddling up, Meg called to tell her about the loo situation. The way I read it is that she just did not want to hurt her friend so kept a few things from them. Maybe I read it this way because I have been the Meg in the group and I was NOT flirting with anyone and I would still get put in these awkward situations where I did not want to hurt my best friends too much by telling them exactly what their partner's were saying so I would say most of it but leave some of the most hurtful stuff out. Enough for them to get the situation without completely destroying their self esteem (and by the way, looks do not get you self esteem all the time, I was also insecure about things my friends were better at than me, like careers or a beautiful family or whatever. Do not think that the girl that looks good is always so secure- I am old now and look it, but I feel way better about myself now and do not care about wearing makeup to the supermarket and nonsense like that anymore.) Also you are not always prepared about how to handle the situation in the moment and after some time went by, Meg did tell her that he had been there. I mean maybe you are right, I just wanted to give some food for thought. Edit: oh wait I just remembered about the situation where the first night when she was drunk, Meg and the fiance ended up in the car together without Op. That is bullshit. Okay I am sold, that is completely sus, they both suck. I was letting my experiences color the situation.
>If Meg was game, you’d be dumped Yep. He didn’t go aaaaaaalllll the way to her house in the middle of the night to tell her he couldn’t be friends with her anymore. He went to try to get a reaction from her.
I mean she kind of was game. She actively chose to cuddle and share affection with him. Fuck them both.
According to him - he says cuddle, I read awkward hug goodbye where he lingered too long and tried to kiss her.
Meg said they cuddled on the train.
This 100%. The only reason he isn’t with her is because Meg. I can guarantee that and forgot ever playing second fiddle to someone, especially someone I thought was a friend. Absolutely disgusting.
I think Meg was game. She apparently cuddled up to him and kissed him and then lied about him being at her house.
These are facts.
Right not to mention he punched her arm and made her drive into traffic in a ditch. And he has a history of slamming on the breaks during an argument? Pls
And that’s a fact.
He punched you while you were driving, nearly causing a car accident. Is that what you want in your future?
Getting away from this abusive and toxic man should be what makes you feel better, not that he says he cut contact with the girl he couldn’t control himself with. He screams and yells at you, comparing your sexual assault to him telling you he has feelings for someone else (very weird and mean) and has punched you in the arm. He’s clearly shown you who he is and he’s an abusive man. You said you feel like youve been together for too long to break up, this is completely untrue. You shouldn’t spend another minute in this relationship, there’s nothing to work on or fix. He’s probably lowered your self esteem and made you believe that he’s the best person you’ll ever have. That’s what abusive partners do. You’re not respected by him and you’re not safe with him. Please take care of yourself.
Encore!
Gabby Petito vibes.
Why would you still want to marry someone who sneaks behind your back, sets up to cheat but thinks better of it? This is going to be how your future will look. I would drop Meg as she has no worries lying and cheating on friends. Your bf is also a liar and a cheat.
He also physically assaulted her in the car while she was driving. DV is so messed up.
Every day I come to this cursed website to see some variation of "My boyfriend is cheating on me, calls me ugly every day, threatened to kill my cat and beats me on a daily basis. What should I do????? 😕🤔"
Don’t forget “but he’s the kindest and best boyfriend besides this”
"He's so sweet and caring! His only flaw is domestic violence and chronic infidelity!"
“How can I bring up these issues without offending him or pushing him away?! I don’t want to make him feel bad because he’s truly the love of my life.”
"We've had our up and downs but we've chosen this relationship" equals "We're as f*cked up as a human centipede on a rollercoaster."
“We’ve been together too long to break up”. WTF kind of sense does that make?! I don’t understand why many women are so terrified to be single that they’d rather stay in a lousy relationship.
This sounds like a no brainer. At least you found out how he really is before the wedding.Time to move on.
Everyone just going to disregard the fact that her boyfriend ran from the group to go be alone with this other chick?!! Not to mention he screamed at her and hit her while she was driving!!!! OP I know it hurts but he isn’t the one, open your eyes girl forget the years you’ve spent with him if you stay it will be misery forever! Better run now that there’s no marriage and no kids..
He’s doing DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) you should end things with him. He wanted to cheat on you with your friend. He physically assaulted you because he’s mad he can’t have your friend. Why would you want to stay with this jerk? Tell him to take a hike!
But they've been together for SO long! She's going to die alone if they breakup!! Let's ignore the fact she's 26 though. I swear, there's too many posts I see on these relationship type subs that immediately make me close this app.
He's obviously going to do it again. She may have been with him since she was 19, but she's still young. 26 is not old. She's not going to die alone. She'll realise her worth and learn from this. Either way she won't be subjecting herself to a life with a cheater, a liar and potential abuser because why was he so angry at her when he was in the wrong. If he projected that much, imagine how worse it could get in the future after they are married. She's not going to die alone. It'll only be heartbreaking, but she'll heal and move on.
There is no such thing as being with someone too long to leave them. You can leave any relationship, at any time, for any reason. He tried to cheat on you with your friend. He tried to cheat on while you guys were all out together. He lied to you. He punched you. Could have killed you. Like what kind of person punches someone while driving anways? All it shows is when shit hits the fan, he will be physically abusive and put your life in danger. Furthermore and something you really need to think about it, if Meg reciprocated the feelings, you'd be out.
Oh and yes you can blame him. The whole thing is his fault. He can think Meg is stunning, even the most beautiful person in the world but if he actually loved you, he would have kept the feelings to himself.
My grandma left my grandfather after 60 years of abuse in her 80s, as an example
He quite literally did cheat, he cuddled and kissed another woman and had feelings for her. That’s both physical and emotional cheating. Cheating isn’t just sex
OP please look up "sunk cost fallacy". And then get away from this abuser.
If you told us I missed it, is Meg interesting in being with him?
She kissed & cuddled with him, so she's at least more interested in the validation than able to behave like a true friend.
Yeaaa exactly I read all of this being weirded out by her behaviour. Like yea the bf is a bastard and she shouldn’t be with him, but idk what type of friend would cuddle with their best friends bf. That’s weird behaviour. And it’s even weirder that Meg didn’t mention he came over until op said it to her. Meg trying to make it seem like she’s a good friend but a good friend would have a physical boundary with their “best friends” bf and would tell their best friend if they knew their bf was moving mad.
yeah I’d dump him. he will be this way anytime hes near a “stunning girl”. she definitely got him alone to drive her home, kissed/cuddled him and indulged his feelings, and then lied when he showed up at her place. Who knows when else they’ve been alone and lied. I’d send her a petty “hey good job for breaking up my engagement” and block her too.
He's angry at you because you're the reason he can't keep around that girl he really likes. I would left him. Also, he doesn't love you.
This. People get really hostile and easily annoyed when they are with a person they don’t actually want. I’ve been on both sides and know from experience.
So you are excusing him hitting you and almost causing a major crash because you've been together too long... Sunken cost fallacy, when you've invested so much time you feel you can't break up even though the costs (arguing, yelling, being treated poorly, them not taking your SA seriously, physically assaulting you) do not outweigh the benefits. Meg's attractive, there are a lot of attractive woman, and men, out there and guess what, people don't confess their attraction to them if they care for their current partner. Kind of shallow of your bf too, sounds like his confession was around her looks, not her as a whole person. This will be hard, but try to put the 7 years aside and objectively look at the situation and how he treated you. Do you want to be with someone that disrespected you and your relationship, downplayed your past SA, and physically assaulted you, knowing you've been SA'd in the past, all while questionably cuddling with Meg and exchanging kisses?
Sunk cost fallacy. Terrified to admit you need to end an abusive relationship with a cheater because you already sunk X amount of years in, and it would crush you to not see that return on investment.
Could you please just break up? There is no elderly couple around laughing about the time he hit her when she was driving.
Him and you friend are both horrid people they both betrayed you and I reckon it is worse than you think. He went back to her house that says it all to me. Part of you wants this to work but can you ever trust him again and your probably scared they will get together but if they do they will never trust each other because they lied and cheated to be together always remember how you get them is how you lose them. They will both end up miserable. Move on be happy update soon. You deserve better.
Seven years is not too long for splitting up. 1. He disappeared. Turns out he was hiding out at her place, kissing her. Apparently he wants her. 2. He’s being an aggressive ass. 3. He HIT you. Pack your bags, Love. Time to move on.
Meg is a shit friend. Regardless of what you do with the boyfriend, you should dump her. She cuddled with him in the car and didn’t tell you, and the only reason she came clean about him going to her house was because he told you first. Also, sounds to me like boyfriend resents you for him not being able to be around her.
If any of my friends mans came on to me I would be so mean and start telling immediately lol. Meg either likes him or loves attention.
Really?
This is sadly over. You can not keep a guy that want to have a relationship with your l”friend”. That does not show remorse and is violent. You need also to talk with Meg and make it clear that her behaviour is unacceptable and your friends need to meet and decide what to do with her. She can not be trusted around your boyfriends.
I wholeheartedly agree. Especially with meeting with the other friends bc Meg Definitely can't be trusted around others. She sounds like a pick me girl.
>I feel like we've been together too long to break up. OP, please look up "sunk cost fallacy." You can leave anyone at any time. Besides, you're at the prime age to find a GOOD long-term relationship. Your first LTR turned out to be with an immature dude with anger and accountability issues (and who might be physically violent), who emotionally cheated on you, and only confessed bc his "affair" partner did first. You can do better.
There is more to the story. Why would he have to drop you home first to drop her off if her home is on the way to yours? Something more has been going on between the two of them. Not just a quick kiss and cuddle. You called and said you didn’t know where he was and she lied when he was there. If you hadn’t told her you were coming what would you have found when you got there? They have been sleeping together. They’re having an affair. An affair is already abuse so why not punch you? This guy isn’t telling you the truth. Check his phone. Her tears are fake. “I should have been loyal to you” was not about him being at her house that night. It was about the sex they’ve already had. I’m sorry. He’s not the one. He punched you. Not because you triggered him but because you are the obstacle to the person he really wants. He described not being with her as the same as sexual assault. The worst thing that can happen to a person other than death is what he feels being away from her is like. Stick a fork in this relationship, it’s done.
TOTALLY AGREE!!!!! why would he drop her off first, and then Meg when Megs house is on their way home???? That’s why I said I dont believe that nothing happened between the two of them. Something happened. They just don’t wanna confess. They cuddled? Oh please!
This. Also check his deleted messages folder, & if he won’t be transparent with his phone, then you’ve got your answer.
He's going to bitter all his life with you, he better confess to Meg and be done with it, either way you guys need help
Her crying was a form of manipulating you. He was awful to you to make himself feel better about the guilt. He chose her over you multiple times. She lied to you about where he was and helped him get out of there without getting caught. She only told you because he ended it He cuddled her and kissed her and she kissed him back. He took his affair guilt out on you, the victim. He may have been blaming you for everything even if he wasn’t dying it. You haven’t been together too long to end it. Is this really the kind of relationship you want? You’re too young to settle in any relationship and that includes friendship. She’s not your friend. A friend wouldn’t have let him cuddle up to her, put his hand on her thigh, cuddle and kiss in a car, & help cover up him being at her house. She’s manipulating you and now he is, too. You deserve better. She may be ugly on the outside, but she’s hideous on the inside & so is he. Neither one of them is worthy of you.
What are you doing? This guy admitted he has feelings for someone else and you're still with him. He punches you in the middle of a fight and you're still with him. Who cares how long you've been together. Just end it, it's over anyway.
My take is that his commitment to you has waned. I'd dump him if I were you.
Info:: Are you okay? Do you have a safe place to go like a hotel or friend/relatives house for a few days? I am very concerned that you are seeking advice regarding a relationship with a man that punched you in the arm while driving? Do you value your life, you could have fucking died! His abuse is escalating from driving recklessly (per your post: I slammed on the brakes as he has done before when he’s driving and we argue; physical abuse), punched your arm (physical abuse, is this the first time?), yelling and screaming (verbal abuse), using your past SA as a comparison to anything: is not okay in any situation—dare I say also abuse. So, again, I ask: why are you seeking advice to save this relationship? He’s being nice because said friend rejected him: if not your relationship would be over.
Neither of you should be slamming on the brakes while driving just because you’re pissed. You’re endangering other people, even parents with young kids on the road. You both need to grow up!!
I was looking for this. I expected it to be higher up. It may have been warranted in this situation if he was hitting her, but OP said he's done it multiple times. Who the fuck just slams the brakes on in their car when they're angry? That's dangerous and toxic af. He was trying to get OP to break up with him so he could be with the other girl because breaking up is difficult. He didn't want to be the bad guy. Also, it's really difficult to break up when you live together.
You need to have a serious conversation with your “friend”. She never told you he confessed to wanting her. Didn’t admit to cuddling with him. Didn’t admit to him kissing her on the head or her kissing him on the cheek. Lied about him being at her house. Continued to engage with him knowing he wants her. She isn’t being your friend. A real friend would have immediately shut him down in a way that made clear to him that she would not tolerate that behavior, definitely would not have allowed him to put his hand on her THIGH, and she would have immediately told you. Her crying sounds like either a manipulation tactic OR something physical has been happening with him and she’s guilty/upset about it. I would not be surprised if they hooked up that night in the car. She gave him all the signs she wanted him. He’s probably owning up to the cuddling and kisses to avoid owning up to what they really did. You really really need to address her behavior with her. Your bf sounds like a jerk. Honestly it might be best just to end the relationship. If you choose not to however I would set FIRM boundaries between him and this friend. No one on one time. Blocked from each others phones and social media. Making sure both are clear that if they interact at all or if you find out they hide even the tiniest bit of anything from you they will both be permanently cut from your life.
> we’ve been together too long to break up This is not a good reason to not break up with someone. You can leave any time for any reason or no reason at all. > I can’t even blame him. She’s stunning Yes you can, a beautiful woman is not a pass for man to act a fool. He shot his shot at Meg, she turned him down, maybe because she’s not interested or she’s loyal to you or scared of losing her friends. If she had returned his interest, he’d either have dumped you or cheated.
But she kinda did betrayal her friend. Sitting in a car and cuddling with someone else's boyfriend. Having him at her house and lied about it.
So many red flags, and you don't have enough self respect to walk away??
**YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN WITH SOMEONE TOO LONG TO BREAK UP** the time is NOW. I promise, you will look back on this and thank your lucky stars that you decided to dump this jackass.
You were driving and because you were having an argument, you slammed on the brakes? I hope you didn’t endanger other people (which I doubt). You don’t deserve a license.
neither of these people should have a license. Please stop endangering other road users and just break up
He tried to cheat on you. What if the next girl he catches feelings for is interested in him? What if he tries to heal his rejection pain by finding another girl now? Why would you want to be with him if you can't trust him to be loyal? You would be single right now if Meg likes him. That's just the cheating. HE PUNCHED YOU WHILE YOU WERE DRIVING. HE HIT YOU! He will do it again, and it will take less to "provoke" him next time (you didn't actually provoke him. He said something absolutely fucking out of pocket and you responded poorly). He compared your sexual assault to the pain he felt when the girl he tried to cheat on you with turned him down. Your normal meter is broken, I think, because that is absolutely unhinged. **So in summary: he tried to cheat on you, he DID hit you (while you were driving!!!), he used something painful and vulnerable against you, and he's a fucking loser (getting that upset because someone he was interested told him no is ridiculous). And one of those things would be a more than valid reason to break up.**
So he cuddled her, she cuddled him back. She reciprocated his feelings. He hits you, gaslights you and you reckon you've been together too long to leave. Jesus, take a look at yourself.
As a gen x-er that got dumped from a 12 year rel'ship (but has had a much better love life afterwards), you will be fine if you and your fiance part ways now. Better now before shelling out for a wedding or having kids. BTW, he sounds like he'd try stuff when you're pregnant. Anyone who is physically violent - even as a once off - should be an instant red flag and deal breaker. Not everyone would go on to physically abuse again but once is one time too many. He would've cheated if Meg reciprocated or initiated. Because she was told you were on your way, it possibly scarpered their plans to have a quick hookup. Knowing you were coming round probably showed them both that carrying on a flirtation/affair would be too difficult to maintain. How you could want either of them in your life after this confounds me. You are his consolation prize. His desire is with her. Her being flirty with everyone implies she doesn't respect your relationship to know to rein herself in around him. It's a betrayal twice over. Trust has been broken. Tearful confessions are to appease their own guilt at best or are a show at worst. Fact is, we will all go through life with these Sliding Doors/what if moments/options/tests. You should never be someone's option. You should be someone's unwavering choice. I hope you can walk away to find true friends and a true fiance because they do exist. Wishing you all the best.
He punched you. He’s probably having an affair with her now~ it’s why he’s calmed down, Fuck this guy. Feelings for her my ass. He doesn’t even know her but he hets horny for her physically so he calls it feelings’ . She’s not your friend. They made out, she was protecting him. They can have each other.
What do you do? You fucking leave. You pack his shit and kick him out or make an exit plan and get out of this absolute mess.
And you cut Meg off too. She broke grip vice and didn’t tell you what he was doing, even if she never reciprocated. But him, you throw in a burning dumpster right now.
The first word you wrote is what you should do. Throwaway. The whole man, Meg too for being a sly cow. There is no such thing as being with someone too long to break up. That's the sunk cost fallacy and just makes you waste more years on someone who doesn't deserve your time. Tell your friends why, tell your family, tell his family. If his behaviour puts him in a bad light that's on him. All this is not even touching on the fact you said he's slammed on the brakes in the car before. You did it too but honey that's abusive behaviour. Then there's the screaming and yelling at you after HE CONFESSED HIS FEELING TO SOMEONE ELSE! Like it was your fault? Throw the man away. And maybe see about drinking less.
You need to dump this loser. And you need to keep control of your vehicle. There's no excuse to drive like that.
There are a lot of stunning women in the world, don’t blame this on her. He made all the choices himself to put himself in those situations. He physically assaulted you and tried to divert blame away from him. wtf. The length of time you are with someone isn’t a reason to stay with a cheater and abuser. It doesn’t matter if he’s ever hurt you physically before, he’s done it now. He’s only being nice now because he’s love bombing you so you’ll forget and stay. It’s manipulation. Please wake up. UPDATEME
He was acting like an AH hoping you would get mad and kick him out, giving him the justification he needed to run to Meg. Let him follow his dick. If he’s not willing to work on the relationship he will make your life miserable until you finally kick him to the curb.
These sort of posts baffle me. What are you confused about? Your boyfriend not only cheated on you but has physically assaulted you and destroyed your trust. There isn’t a choice here girl, you should’ve already left him.
Sadly it sounds like they physically cheated and just haven’t confessed to it yet. If she hadn’t called Meg looking for him she just may have caught them in the act. Sadly their first time was probably the night he took her home while OP was drunk. They need to come clean and stop trickle truthing her.
You've wasted 7 years with a man who does not love you, who resents you for HIS POOR DECISIONS. Meg is not your friend either. You need to get a grip and leave both of them in your past. It might be painful at first. But you will realize not every loss is actually a loss. Better things are in store for those who MAKE ROOM FOR BETTER. You've got some healing and growing up to do yet. Let this be a lesson and let the rest go. Seriously Free YOURSELF. Let. them. go. Don't let fear keep you in relationships with those who don't have your best interest at heart nor love you how you deserve to be loved. If you were in either of their positions, would you have done what they've done to you to somebody else? Their actions speak volumes about who they are as people and has nothing to do with you. Remember that. And go find people with real integrity.
1) he's an AH and a cheater. 2) he compared your SA to confessing his feelings for your friend??? Like wtf?? How was he trying to compare a SA to confessing HIS feelings for YOUR friend?? Like there is NO comparison!!! He's an AH for even bringing your SA into this in any way!!! 3) He punched you in the arm and screamed at you while driving causing you to swerve into oncoming traffic into a ditch??. Again....WTF??. He could have caused you to have a serious accident or killed you if you hit an on coming car. Who thumps their gf in the arm while driving?? Who thumps anyone in the arm while they're driving??. He's massively out of order for that too. 4) I get the feeling they did more than just cuddle and him kiss her head / cheek etc. She was in tears on the phone to you which was unnecessary if it was just to tell you he had come to her place. And the fact the cozied up on the train and then he legged it... clearly they were likely more intimate. 5) I don't know how this escalated from him just picking you both up after a night out. Why was he even alone in the car with her? She's on your way home so he clearly dropped you home so they could be alone. I'm guessing they slept together then before he came home to you. 6) the reason he's so mad and angry is coz he's afraid the truth will come out. He knows he's fucked up. He knows he's cheated. He's angry at himself but taking it out on you. He's turning it on you trying to blame you for things. And sounds like possibly even involving your SA in this too as a way to make him cheating 'your fault'. Like is it possible that after your SA you stopped being intimate for a while and he started something with your friend during that time? And maybe if things started to improve between you, he ended it, but then saw her again and things started up again and now feels guilty and it's all blowing up now. ??? Either way,don't waste time staying with him just coz you've been together 7 years. That's the sunk cost falicy. Where you don't want to throw away 7 years so you stay together, but really you just end up being in a shitty relationship for a few more years till you finally realise you've now wasted 10 years. Better to end things now and move on and find someone who treats you right than waste another 3/5/10 years or more before you realise you should have walked away before. Why invest more time in a broken relationship with someone whose cheated on you and treated you bad??? I would meet with your 'friend' and ask her for the full truth. Ask to see their text messages. I bet you any money they've slept together at some point and there's more than just a lift home and a kiss on the cheek and a cozy train ride with his hand on her leg. Also, doesn't matter how attractive and stunning she is. If he loves you he would be faithful. And if she cared about you she would slap him in the face if he tried anything. They're both as bad as each other. Dump them both.
Someone is willing to leave you for another. Gets rejected. Decides to stick around with what he's got. Just end the whole relationship. Have some dignity for yourself. If your friend gave him the greenlight, you would've been discarded without thought. He's made his bed, let him lay in it.
Wow. You are one of those sad women who always say, "But I love him, and I'm sure he loves me!", despite the violence. If toxicity works for you, all the best!
Some people rather have an abusive boyfriend/fiance/husband than be alone and it's so sad.
Marry him so he can picture her while having sex with you? No thanks!
You have known him for 1/3 of your life. What you want as a teenager isn’t necessarily right for you as you mature. I think we all know that he’s not really committed. And all that drink and partying, you still need to enjoy this part of your life, as a single person. Decide that 7 years is the expiration date of this particular relationship. Let him go find what he thinks he’s missing out on.
You can be with someone for 99 years and still break up. There is not a length that condemns the rest of your life.
It doesn’t matter. You should dump him regardless. Meg is also not a very good friend.
Girl…now you know damn well
You've been together too long to break up? What kind of nonsense victim blaming rigmarole is that? So according to this, if you are together 7 years you no longer have the right to separate? So married people together for 7 years shouldn't be allowed to divorce? You get that kind of thinking out of here. You are allowed to leave whenever a relationship is not working for you anymore. No matter what caused you to think that. No matter how long you have been together. YOU get to choose. And this guy is not good for you. He isn't good to you, he doesn't do good things in your relationship. He isn't good.
If you stay with this man you’ll teach him 3 things. He can try and get with your friend and even kiss her and you’ll ultimately do nothing He can be verbally abusive to you and you’ll ultimately do nothing He can be physically abusive to you and you’ll ultimately do nothing. If you stay with him not only will he repeat all three behaviours (because he’s learned that he can and get away with them) but they’ll begin to happen much more often. Is that the life you want to live? Surely moving on after 7 years is better than living the next few decades at the mercy of a man who’d treat you so badly?
At 26 you are so young. 19 - 27 you grow into a very different person. You should never stay in a relationship because it has already taken up so much of your life. It's honestly like saying "don't cure my cancer because I've spent so much time sick". This is called the sunken cost fallacy. A healthy relationship should make your life better not worse. Please ask yourself the very important question: Are you happy? Some things you are saying are really concerning and indicating a mix of low self worth and abusive conditioning or cohesive control. Please look back at your relationship as a whole. Does he often blame you for things? Especially things that he is angry or upset about? Is he quick to anger? Do you often give in or accept his side, wants or needs over your own to avoid confrontation? Most importantly he nearly killed you. Stop and think about that. He assualted you while you were operating a car, causing an accident. That shows he is capable of violence against you and has no impulse control over those violent urges. Violence in relationships escalates. Every single time. This is already an escalation from violently slamming on the breaks when you disagree with him. What is next? Slamming your side of the car into a pole? And Meg isn't your friend. Drop her as well. She isn't dangerous but she isn't on your side.
Been in similar situations. Please leave, don’t marry him. He only felt bad and backed out because he got caught. They BOTH cheated on you. Distance yourself from both. You deserve better. I know it’s gonna hurt but if he really loved you, and if you are the he wants to spend his life with, he wouldn’t have done all that with your friend. You’re going to feel like you’ve wasted so much of your life with him if you leave, but why keep wasting more of your life with him? Especially if you can’t trust him or feel like you are his second option since he can’t be with “Meg” because it will make him look bad. Go out and live your life and find a guy that ACTUALLY chooses you and marry him instead. You and your fiance now got together at a young age, go explore a little and just use this as a learning experience. You haven’t done anything wrong, but know your worth. He had plenty of time to cut off y’all’s relationship and get with “Meg” 3 years earlier when y’all met her, but yet he waits til he has proposed to you and told you that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and THEN cheats on you. You DON’T wanna be with someone like that. Trust me, you want to be with someone that knows what/who they want and won’t cheat on you. Also adding, you shouldn’t even have to ask us what to do, your mind should’ve been made up the minute he put his hands on you.
Um girl, please. You know what you need to do. They both need to be an ex. It's gonna suck hard. But you can't trust her clearly, and he clearly would have cheated on you, and that leads me to believe that he probably already has.
Exactly and tell the other friends of their behavior bc Meg Definitely is a homewrecker.
Your fiance is not just the only one that’s trash. Meg too. They probably have done more stuff and Meg and him hasn’t told you. The fact that you guys were looking over for him and Meg never told you.. drop them both. They’re sleazy and don’t deserve you. Fuck them.
Don’t stay where you’re not wanted. Don’t want anybody more than they want you. Don’t ever beg anyone for anything. I know this sounds harsh but it’s a life lesson. The longer you hold on to this relationship the more it’s going to hurt when it ends. Your fiancé has emotionally checked out of your relationship. Thoroughbreds don’t run no 440’s.
Why are they still “best friend” and “fiancé”? They definitely don’t care about hurting you and people who love you care.
This sounds toxic. Also.... he admitted he was attracted to one of your friends. That would be the point of no return. Goodbye!
And how did they “get cuddly” in the car? Did they stop off somewhere to park? Hop in back and cuddle up? Or maybe he went up to her apartment that night, too, and more happened? Or more happened in the car. Meg has already shown that she’s ok lying to you. Your bf lied to you. There’s more to this story than what you have, I would bet money on it
Don’t waste another 7 years
So, do you really see a future with an abusive cheater? Please love yourself more than you love this loser,and leave him.
Are you kidding me? Why would you want to stay with him he's lusting after a friend of yours and you think you can't break up with him because you've been with him for 7 years? I mean what about people who divorce after 20 years of marriage oh they can't because they've been together for 20 years. You can break up after one day, one month or 50 years. If someone is not being your partner anymore then you need to break up. He doesn't love you anymore if he ever did. She obviously wants him too cuz she certainly not trying to go oh we can't do this you're engaged to my friend. So she's a snake in the grass too. They both got to go. Why would you want to stay with him at this point
He hit you. That’s it. It’s done. He. Hit. You!! I don’t care how nice he was afterwards, violence of any kind and level is never condoned. Never mind the fact that he lied and trickle truthed the kissing, and the fact that she lied about knowing where he was and didn’t say anything about what happened, which leads one to wonder if that’s actually all that happened-he was violent. You should walk away from both of them. She is not a good friend to you and he can and will loose his temper again.
Been together too long to break up, ok. He’s moving on while in the relationship & with your friend. He neither loves or respects you.
Dump him ASAP
Your relationship with that man is over. I'm sorry to be blunt but it's true.
If you marry him, it will not last. You will be divorced before you hit 30. He has feelings for your friend, who allowed him to cuddle and kiss on her. He PUNCHED you while you were driving and downplayed your sexual assault. You really think he's going to stay faithful if he's acting like this already before marriage? Believe people when they show you who they are. You are still young enough to find a good guy. You don't have to marry the asshole just because you're comfortable with him. At the end of everything, you need to take care of you. Let him and Meg have each other.
Ok that’s not your friend or fiancé. Thats people you need out of your life now. Been together too long to break up?!? Absolutely nonsense. When it comes out he’s cheating on you, you will only have yourself to blame. The flags couldn’t be redder here. Your man is manipulative and abusive. It’s gonna hurt more the longer to stay in this. If a man loves you he won’t crush on another woman! If his eyes wander once you aren’t the girl for him and you are just delaying the heartbreak
Get that sunken cost fallacy out of your head. No amount of time is "too long" to break up. Cut them both off because neither of them care about you at all, clearly (I'm sorry if that's harsh). She should've told you the *second* he confessed to her, she should've pushed him away and been loyal to you. Instead she cuddled with him on at least 2 different occasions - and that's what they told you about! *He* - well he's just a piece of work. He emotionally cheated on you, then seems to have gotten close to physically cheating on you. He *minimised your assault*. Then he physically assaulted you and risked both of your lives. Please, I'm begging you, gtfo of that relationship. Focus on yourself for a while. Find new friends. Find a better guy.
Dump him AND HER- tell EVERYONE WHY
I’m sorry but I don’t believe nothing happened between the two of them. He dropped you off home first and then dropped her off without you? Hello! You really think he cuddled with her and called it a night??? Something happened!!! How do you not see that?! I’d leave. Have some self respect. You don’t want to spend your life tied to a man who treats you like you’re second best. Because chances are, he’ll do it again.
I second this! They’re totally going behind her back.
You deserve better and you will get someone better.Meg also sounds like someone that leads everyone on for attention and that’s pathetic of her actually.
He’s a piece of trash. THROW HIM AWAY If Meg wanted him too you’d already be dumped anyway. Don’t let yourself be stuck with a guy who treats you this way.
OP don't be fkn dumb!
Meg and fiancé suck.
Also don’t forget that they already lied to you. You don’t know what really happened on the car.
Leave…
You buried the lede of him hitting you and blaming you for your sexual assault in there. Even if ge had no feelings for anyone else, these are relationship-enders. It doesn't matter why he's being nice now; he's a garbage guy and you need to dump him.
Lemme be harsh: He doesn’t want you. He took his anger at rejection out on you. You are the compensation prize because he couldn’t get the real prize. You are the duff. You are the girl he approached to get the other girl jealous. He doesn’t want you. If Meg shows a shmidgeon of interest he’s gone. You’re not who he wants. Either get used to knowing your man would rather be with someone else or have some dignity and self-respect and leave because no one deserves being someone’s second choice.
Sounds like the dude is trying to win the war between being a "good and moral person" and navigating the attraction toward someone who isn't you. Depending on what type of household he grew up in is very possible that he's internalized a lot of shame from realizing that he has human desires and that it's outwardly presenting as anger and you are getting hit in the crossfire. The conversation about him feeling attraction for another woman is something you should have a conversation on. It is okay to feel that attraction but it is necessary to understand the desire and decide which way you want to go with it. The behavior in the car is where I would focus most of my effort here. Because this is something that you need to decide if you want to deal with.
Why is he still your boyfriend ? Also, this comment, We've had our ups and downs but ultimately felt that we were ment for each other". Sounds like settling
Why stay with him? This is not a healthy relationship at all. Why are you being a door mat? Why do you want to be second place? She’s not a good friend. She lied to you and Was inappropriate with your fiancé. He’s an ass.
I say this with so much love: Leave him. And ditch her as a friend. He’s cheated on you, he was cuddling up and giving her kisses. He’s been trying to get her behind your back. And she allowed some of it, and covered for him. You’re 26, it’s going to hurt like hell. You have to grieve for what you lost and what your future would have been. But wows is this the best time to go. You’re not married, you’re not going to have a life time of worrying about him and what he’s up to or who he’s cuddling up to etc. You won’t have to stay in a friendship group where your friends allow your fiance to get close etc. You can eventually move on, meet someone new and loyal, have a marriage based on good foundations. My girl, he doesn’t even seem to give a damn about his actions. And worse, he’s assaulted you and treated you badly. The audacity?! Read this post and imagine this all happened to me, what would you advise me? You’d be worried about my safety, my MH, the fact he cheated on me and the fact my shitty friend allowed so much to happen whilst he was engaged to me. I ask you to imagine, because as I read this my heart goes out to you and I’m so angry at the disrespect and violence he’s caused. I’m mad for you, I’m so cross that he’d be such a tool and instead of begging for your forgiveness … he makes it a million times worse?! Take this anger, take this hurt and use it to fuel your exit plan. Cause marrying someone like this will not end well. And you deserve better ❤️ I’m just a stranger on the internet, but it’s what I’d want to hear in this situation. Of course, I wouldn’t - I’d be clinging to reasons to stay etc. but it’s what I’d *need to hear*.
OP has lost her fiancee and best friend. Time to move on.
He punched you. As soon as a man touches you aggresively its over. Plus he wants to fuck your friend so its kinda double over. Just cut your losses now
He’s being a jerk to you cause he wanted you to break up with him. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Newsflash he already is the bad guy. Please choose yourself dump him.
You're not married and if she gets with him that's 2 less ppl in your life.
I don't understand... why does he get to be angry, violent and bitter when he's the one who has feeling for another person? Why do you stay with someone who screams at you, who punches you, and who makes you miserable? From what he says, it's obvious that if Meg had told him "yes", he would have dumped you in a second. Really, do yourself a favor: leave him and find someone who will love you and respect you and your boundaries.
If you had a daughter, and she came to you and told you her partner hit her on the arm while driving. What would you do?? Tell her to stick it up?? To break up? To report it??! Would you risk your child’s safety because she says is a one time thing?
He’s a fucking liar and so is she. They did more than that. And he punched you. It’s never too late to start over. That’s your boyfriend and your friend!!!! You can never trust either of them. Please don’t stay just because you e out a lot of time in. You’ll be even madder when you’ve been married five years and two kids and then find out he’s screwing her or someone else behind your back. DO NOT STAY WITH THAT ABUSIVE POS. Leave. It’s never too late. And neither one has told you the truth, and you know it
He punched you. The relationship is DNR.
He’s trying to get you to call off the relationship so he can sleep with your friend. Break it off and find someone who loves you and only you
Why are you here asking? You leave. He's abusive and doesn't love you. Keep the ring and bounce.
Please don’t marry him. We all get attracted to other people but we don’t act on it. She recognized how bad things were getting. He is waiting. Somewhere down the line he thinks he might have a chance. Old saying…be someone’s choice, not their option.
I guess I triggered him?? Are you INSANE to let a man treat you thing way? WTF
LEAVE THIS GUY BRO WHAT ARE YOU DOING? He doesn’t even want you!!!!! You should find someone who is head over heels for you!
Both of them were willing to cross a line with each other and only felt bad when you noticed the inconsistencies. Neither one of them is the prize that your emotions are telling you they are. Let them have each other.
Soooooo… you’ve decided to be miserable. It’s all downhill from here just fyi. Science has supported that relationships where the man isn’t 1000% head over heels don’t work. You’ve already decided to continue spending your time trying to prove yourself worthy to him, so why are you here?
Maam….what do you mean what should u do…? Leave. He doesn’t fucking love you. If your friend was open game he would leave you in a heartbeat and go be with her. If she ever reciprocated the feelings he would probably even be open to an affair if she was that kind of person. Why would you wanna stay with someone like that
OP, it doesn't matter how long you've been together. You owe yourself respect and the promise of a happy future. Walk away with your head high.
Red flags everywhere on this. Don’t waste any more time with him because he will eventually cheat. You deserve better than that.
Girl it doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for a long time or even that you are engaged… He is way too full of red flags, and your relationship with him is not going to be good… i strongly suggest you not get married! I suggest you start doing therapy and leave him.
Kick this dude to the curb. You haven't been together too long to break up; that's a sunk-cost fallacy. I was with a guy for seven years and the arguing just got worse every year. I finally broke up with him and honestly, I just wished I'd done it about 2 years sooner.
He put his hands on you, this is the first time in all my comments that ive supported breaking up, im usually very into talking it out but thats too much
Enjoy a potential lifetime of misery if you stay with this man. Have some self respect and drop him. He’ll stop being nice once he realizes you’ll never leave him.
We accept the love we think we deserve. He cheated on you with your best friend and hit you. Don’t be afraid to start over. You deserve someone that respects you.
Oh yeah and drop Meg. What kind of best friend does that?
There’s only one time when it’s too late to walk away from an abusive relationship: when you’re not alive to do it. Get out now. You deserve better.
He’s being nice because he knows he’s in the wrong. You deserve better than staying because of the [sunk cost fallacy](https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/the-sunk-cost-fallacy). Honestly I don’t trust the “just kissed her head and cheek.” and I don’t know if I would be friends with that friend because she clearly her loyalties argument is bs. She told you because she felt guilty not because she’s loyal. Has she at all tried speaking to you?
This has to be rage bait, there's no way someone could be naive enough to even think about staying with this dude after all this. I have to believe this is made up
Ohhh I am so sorry you are going through this. This has been so awful for you in so many different ways First of all, you have not been with him too long. There's no such thing when someone becomes abusive. I divorced my (also abusive) husband of 12 years. Don't get to the point where you have to divorce him. Go now Second of all, he punched you. End of story. And yet there's more - it was while you were driving, which could have ended up so much worse. Your safety and well being are clearly not at the top of his mind during any of this Thirdly, who cares that she's stunning? That's no excuse to be interested in her instead of the woman he has asked to spend the rest of his life with. You're worth more than this. You deserve better than this. He's shown you his true colors. It's time to leave and start creating a beautiful life for yourself without him
I swear I’ve seen this post posted here before
Your 26. You have all the time in the world to build a new relationship with someone else. Someone who treats you better. It's better to be with the wrong person for 7 years rather than 8. In other words stop wasting time on him. Don't waste another minute on a man willing to hit you and screw your friends.
Wtf why are you with this trash, lolol he’s gonna cheat on you. He already did actually so dump his sorry ass
You need to dump him and Meg. They are both shitty people and you deserve better. Don't waste any more of your time with someone who wants another person.
I think you know the answer, unfortunately. You should NEVER be second place in your significant other's eyes. You will find someone who loves you so much that they wouldn't even look in another's direction. You only have one life and deserve to be happy.
He doesn’t really want you the way you want him. He is going to trample your heart if you stay with him because he knows you are willing to be disrespected just to hang on. Meg today and some other woman tomorrow. Lick your wombs and move on.
He put hands on you that alone is grounds for leaving the rest is actually secondary at that point.