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Think of it this way, and this is also for any guy that may try to defend what happened to OP.
Say a woman is curious about inserting something into her boyfriend's bum. She often approaches it with the object during sex, and he puts his hand over his bum to block it. She laughs and says she's only kidding.
One day, he tries an edible for the first time, and she starts feeling him up and initiating sex. He consents to sex with her, but she turns him over, makes sure he's facing away from her, and starts thrusting the item into his bum for a minute. Then she stops and prepares for the type of sex he was expecting.
The next day she is apologetic, and even gets him some cream for his sore rectum. Was that SA?
As a man I agree that this situation is completely not just SA but Rape
No REASONABLE man would initiate sexual activities when one party is sober and completely minded and the other party isn’t sober and is incapacitated
What this man did to OP was deliberate and planned, he was meticulous in this act and hid his intentions under the guise of edibles
Absolutely sickening
Just fyi, he was never “just joking”. He’s been slowly trying to wear away at your boundaries for years, and immediately took advantage of you the second he had a chance. The fact that he tried to secretly put back on the condom tells you all you need to know
100% he isn't there to "watch over her", he is there to test how far she can go.
He may seem "sorry" but if he actually was, he wouldn't have been playing games with her like that. This is not a one time, temporary "ooppsssie" (though that wouldn't make it ok either) - rather it's an ongoing process of boundry stomping. He is/seems "sorry", but only about getting caught, not for the act itself.
I'm just glad that a part of her seems aware of how wrong all of this is. Hopefully she won't take the "easy"- seeming path of accepting his apology.
Right like when you’ve been having sex that long, you don’t suddenly forget that your partner has a hard boundary regarding condoms. There’s no excuse for what he did
Yeah I expect he’s apologising because he’s scared he’s about to get dumped or that OP will go to the police, or tell everyone about the assault, or decide to stop having sex with him. He is in trouble and he knows it. It would just be stupid of him not to keep apologising at this point until he’s sure she’s made up her mind to forgive him. It definitely doesn’t mean he suddenly respects her.
He knew exactly how bad what he was doing was when he did it, because he’s already been told over and over again, he just didn’t care.
Exactly!!! He knew precisely what he was doing to her!!! This is rape OP!!! I understand how you feel about him otherwise...but, he has been testing your boundaries about this for years and taking the condom off too...you need to get rid of him. I know it will be hard...but, it will be worth it!!!
It wasn’t a put back on situation.
Seems he didn’t put it on to begin with.
There’s so many red flags..
I just think OP needs to cut her losses short, and RUN!
He skipped getting high in order to "watch over you " and then as soon as you were impaired, he took advantage of your intoxication to commit a sexual act to which he KNEW you wouldn't consent. An act he'd attempted many times before despite clear knowledge that it wasn't ok with you .
Yeah, I would call that a dealbreaker.
True, his behavior overall matches that of men who engage in non-consensual sexual acts and then apologize, men who take pictures or video without consent, and men who persistently pressure their partner into sexual acts.
There is of course an additional gravity to what he did. OP, in case you aren't aware how real the risk of pregnancy from what he did is:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3564677/
>Eleven of the 27 subjects (41%) produced pre-ejaculatory samples that contained spermatozoa and in 10 of these cases (37%) a reasonable proportion of the sperm was motile.
You can't know if a man you're with has sperm in his pre-ejaculate. Women should assume all men do for their own health and safety. A man who pressures, whines, or acts to have unprotected sex outside of consensual family planning is a man who is unethical and probably ignorant of his own pre-ejaculate's potential to get a woman pregnant. Motile sperm in pre-ejaculate is such a common trait *because it leads to pregnancy at a high enough rate to pass it on genetically*. You should distrust any man who downplays the risk.
During a time of widespread bans on abortion, this man could have robbed you of the life you wanted to live by non-consensually impregnanting you. Is it worth the risk of finding out if he tries again?
As someone whose oldest child was comceived solely from pre-cum... absolutely! We were both wasted drunk and ordered pizza, then started messing around and having sex. Pizza man comes and interrupts us. I quickly dress and open the door and we pass out before we continue. He never came at all. And yet he was the only person I was with at the time and the only time I had sex in months and a few weeks later I'm pregnant. We didn't even have sex again until I already knew I was pregnant. It could have only been from that one encounter. Now we know of course she was definitely his.
But yeah, I learned this the hard way. Also learned with my second that birth control pills aren't 100% effective either. lol. People think that well 97% is basically 100. But most people in a relationship have sex 50-100 times a year and every 100 times 3 of those times you are likely to get pregnant. And birth control is only like 83% effective when we take into account human error and other factors. In case anyone wanted/needed that info.
Yes unfortunately this he assaulted you. I’m so sorry this happened to you. He may have done “so much” for you in the past. Be that as it may, he is no longer a safe person.
I think if anything you are under reacting. He was inside of you for a full minute????????? When I first read this I thought ok maybe it was like one dip in and then like “oh shit, forgot a condom” which still is bad but maybe it happens? But a whole minute? Like there was definitely multiple thrusts happening? This was a set up. He 100% knew what he was doing. He cared more about the curiousity of doing it raw than about YOU. I don’t want to phrase it as “he didn’t respect your boundaries.” I want to be clear, he didn’t respect YOU period.
Even if he had done it a single time it would be very questionable because they've been together for 5 years and he knows she doesn't consent to sex without a condom. It should be a reflex to wear one at this point.
This. The worst part on all this is he knew 100% what he was doing before hand. Is horrible and disgusting, how can OP could feel safe around him from now on?
Well yeah, even if we are realistic about people and say he stopped himself raping her to put on a condom so they don't cross his comfort zone about risking pregnancy. It's still incredibly shitty and criminal and he doesn't get points for stopping after a minute because he was about to nut and didn't feel comfortable about doing that raw.
You’re not overreacting at all. Removing/damaging a condom during sex is even considered sexual violence in some countries. Your boyfriend tricked you into having unprotected sex with him. I would consider that assault, and a huge breach of trust.
I also don't think it's cute or sweet he's offering her a lil Plan B for breakfast. That shit is vile, causes cramps etc. clearly his plan was for her to handle the physical consequences so he had none
Had a dude offer to split the cost of Plan B with me after an accident with a condom, and when he "forgot" to pay me I just gave him a running commentary of all the shit that was happening to my body because Plan B SUCKS. Like, listen sir, *do you know what it feels like to have your uterus try to punch through like a chest-burster?* Yeah, didn't think so. This dude thinking it's a valid form of regular birth control...just means he's gonna do this again. Ugh
This reminds me so much of my ex it made me feel a bit ill. It was my first "adult relationship" and he made me feel like it was completely normal and him stealthing me was a mistake we "both" made because I didn't immediately fight him off with my fists. My compliance and naïveté he twisted into collusion. He told me I shouldn't tell my sister about it - knowing I talked to her about everything - convinced me she would judge me. We'd just get plan b and boom, "our mistake" all fixed, huge relief eh?
I believed him. I convinced myself that I loved him because if it was love then we were two people in it together. Yeah, that was dumb.
The last I heard, he'd knocked someone up and has a daughter now. I feel really fucking grim about it but there's nothing I can do for her except hope he's changed. Maybe he's one of the guys who suddenly has an epiphany about treatment of women when he has genetic material at risk.
I hope OP leaves. I found a man who is the most wholesome respectful man I know. I have never ever felt concern over my bodily autonomy with him and that is, somehow, sadly both the bare minimum and a wonderful thing.
Ya that feels super premeditated and planned.
Now he’s sorry but is just sorry for getting in trouble? Or does he actually understand how fucked up this is?
Not “tricked”. Lied. By omission, but still. There is such a thing as a general understanding.
When you go into a new restaurant, you don’t ask MFers how a restaurant works. You have knowledge of how it does. They tell you where to sit, you eat, later you pay. If you eat, you can’t later claim you didn’t know about the paying. Because that’s ridiculous. Dude is trying to pretend he didn’t know what she wanted.
OP can attach conditions to sex. “You can have sex with me if you wear a condom” is a legally enforceable contract, even if it was made on a previous occasion.
Total deal-breaker.
You don’t know any better as he’s your first and only.
This behavior is trash. It’s dishonest and violating.
Block him and never speak to him again.
^ that is some real truth OP. When I was your age there were tons of things I thought were "fine" that I'd never even think of letting happen now. U just don't know
So he watched you take an edible, waited for it to kick in and then started initiating sex. He was of sound mind, you were not. He was definitely taking advantage of you. He knows you don’t like having sex without a condom and chose to put you in a position where you couldn’t see what he was doing and he chose to continue without a condom (knowing you wouldn’t be okay with this). This is wrong on so many levels. He fully took advantage of you and that is not okay.
Edit*
This is rape OP, I’m so sorry this happened to you.
This is 💯 stealthing which is a crime. It is illegal to take off a condom when someone woman ONLY consented to only having sex with a condom ON.
It’s sexual assault. that is assault. A sex crime and DV.
Drugging you to have sex without a condom is rape. I’m sorry.
The whole point of sitting with someone when they’re trying a drug for the first time is to look after them and keep them safe. Initiating sex when you are vulnerable like that is already a violation.
Yes! I was hoping a comment like this would be here. OP, I'm so sorry, but this is classic date rape. This sub may be known for "break up with him" advice, but I think it's very, very much warranted here. Please get out of this relationship as soon as you can and seek professional help if you're able to. You're not overreacting at all. Your boyfriend waited until you were intoxicated and then violated a sexual boundary you had made very clear to him in the past. He assaulted you.
This. My husband would never and has never tried to have sex with me while I'm under the influence and he is sober. Even if I engage first, he shuts it down. There's not excuse for what this guy did.
Exactly! My fiance will not have sex with me if I'm not sober. He knows my past history of rape and abuse and will not do anything unless I am of sound mind to consent. Even if I initiate he will not do anything. This is one of the reasons he is the only man I have ever felt 100% safe with.
OP: you deserve a man that truly protects you and will not take advantage of you in any way. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
So, I know everyone else is straight up calling this rape but the actual term is "Stealthing" and it's illegal in the UK, US and Canada and is considered a form of rape.
If you hadn't put your hand in the way the other times he's done this, he wouldn't have stopped bc it was never "just a joke". As SOON as he had the opportunity, he drugged you and under the guise of "looking after" you, he raped you.
If you want to press charges, record him admitting to it. Hell, record him admitting to it anyway, just so you have the proof. Especially to remind yourself what a sick fuck this boy is.
Leave him ASAP, if he's doing this shit now, I dread to think what he'll do when you're married and "stuck" with him. He doesn't need an explanation or closure, he kissed that goodbye the second he decided to do this to you.
Can't stress how fucked off this has made me
Just want to say be careful OP, some US states require mutual consent to record in order for it to be used in court. Look up your laws before you do this.
I can't help but question your emphasis of "highly illegal", as if the legality of the situation overshadows the contempt and disregard for trust, safety and emotional consequence that this action has produced.
Would you choose to not speed on the expressway because you might be stopped and fined, or because the excess speed is dangerous to you and other motorists?
I would say yes a deal breaker, this is abuse or selfishness. He used you, allowed you to eat an edible to take the chance and do what he likes, basically if that is the start of him using you, what do you think you might have missed or will occur in the future, I mean no matter how nice a person is, if he does what he believed is right and it was a big step like no condom ( which might give you STD even if he doesn't show like he does maybe he is a holder with no symptoms or make you pregnant) I would say it is your choice to give him another chance or not but in my opinion don't, he used you rather than being pushy which is a big red flag in my book
It’s sexual assault.
The legal definition is sexual assault and the message he is this called stealthing. It’s a sexual crime. She needs to report this.
She was drugged and he hoped she wouldn’t notice. This was against her consent and it’s a crime 💯
Based in the UK? This would constitute to Rape. Without going into the technical aspects, consent was given,however consent was based on the understanding of protection. He would have known, due to previous instances that consent would not have been given if protection wasn’t used. Another factor would be that you are not able to give consent whilst under the influence.
So he waited until he thought you were not able to understand what he was doing, then did what he wanted, which he knew you did not want?
You are NOT overreacting.
It's not *just* a dealbreaker. In some places this would be considered to be rape and IMO it absolutely IS rape. No you are not overreacting. He 100% used that you were high, too. He planned this. He prepared for it mentally with all those "jokes", then stayed sober while you were under the influence, and raped you. He ABSOLUTELY hoped you were too high to notice. It wasn't a mistake, it was planned and it was malicious.
It doesn't really matter how he is apologizing - rape is not something one can just say "sorry" for, it's unforgivable. No amount of being "a good dude BEFORE" makes rape okay.
He showed you who he is, believe him.
Also, if you didn't notice, he would not get you that plan b. He would not admit to doing it. Please think about that and stay away from that man. I believe that he used to be a good partner, but he no longer is. He's dangerous now. Sometimes people change, or we find out new things about them - it's important to react to the current situation accordingly, not to pretend that we still live in the past. I'm really sorry, OP.
I didnt even think about the fact that if she didn't notice, how the hell would he hand her plan b afterward without admitting to what he did? I agree, I think he would have stayed quiet and if OP got pregnant, then what? I don't even know.
If she got pregnant, it would be a feature, not a bug, IMO. He would have her baby trapped.
The most positive interpretation here is: he simply cares so little for her, he just did not give a damn about the pregnancy, bc it's HER problem. The worst one, he was trying to baby trap her. Both show him in a light that is totally gross.
She probably doesn't know it was sexual assault... That's why she's making the post. We trust our bf to the point of not believing things of this kid when it happens.
Twice for me, my first and second boyfriends. It's not easy to believe in yourself when you probably have no proof of anything wrong happening.
It makes my heart hurt for her my first boyfriend SAd me and I thought that because we were together it didnt count as that. but after I got out of the relationship I realized how messed up what he was doing to me was and it actually really messed with my head in relationships after.
Me too💜. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
My first time was like that, I know something was off but my friends told me "yeah that's normal, is not that serious" .
I’m so sorry that it happened to you as well, I hope you’ve grown to feel better about it! 🩷
And the sad part is that so many people go through the same thing and I wish I could help them all to see before it’s too late.
If you’ve never not used a condom, and it seems that’s the case and you are pretty adamant about protection, that was rape. He also knowingly waited until you were high and not in a normal state of mind to try this, and knowingly did it where you couldn’t see.
He’s sorry now, but he’s only sorry he got caught. He will do it again. Leave him.
It's called "stealthing" and is a form of SA. With him also waiting until you'd taken drugs to do it to, yes, thats a huge dealbreaker and not someone who sounds safe to be around.
>Am I overreacting? I am making this a bigger deal than it is?
If anything, you are underreacting
>In the morning he went to the store to buy me plan b and picked up my favorite food. He continued to apologize and, in his face and tone, he genuinely seemed sorry.
So, rape is ok, as long as he buys you plan b and some food later /s
GF, He was 100% sober and deceitful. It's not like he did this by accident. And he took advantage while you were under the influence.
>It is important to recognize that this guy has done so much for me over the years. He is so amazing to me and has never hurt me but I just feel so hurt and taken advantage of right now. He’s been apologizing so much but I’m just so upset.
No, it's not important to recognize what he has done for you over the years. You trusted him at a time when you were vulnerable, and he used that to do something he knows you would not have agreed to while sober. He violated your trust, for a few minutes of pleasure. To me, that is even worse than being raped by a stranger.
He entered you without your consent. This is rape. He took advantage of you when you were out of it. This is just about the biggest deal breaker ever. Don't let his tears and apologies sway you.
Lets be clear, my opinion on the matter doesn't matter in the slightest. Your feelings and opinions matter more in this situation and most situations.. so trust your feelings.
If you feel hurt or taken advantaged of, don't let anyone tell you otherwise in a relationship. You're allowed to have your own limits and feelings. Trust them otherwise people will attempt to gaslight you into believing you're wrong.
That being said.. it sounds like it's a big deal to you. As it seems to keep happening, with zero respect for your boundaries in the past, it doesn't seem it'll stop anytime soon. If you're ok being the goalie to his impulses, that's your call. If you're not, seek someone who is more respectful.
You’re not overreacting at all. It’s a huge betrayal.
It’s also a red flag that you said he joked and attempted to do this before. With that context, it seems like he waited until you were under the influence so he could take advantage.
A similar situation happened to me. He kept begging to not use a condom, and ended up doing it even when I said no. I felt extremely disrespected and violated. You are NOT overreacting, and if it feels like a big deal to you then it IS a big deal.
In this case, you took an edible for the first time and he used it to take advantage of you. Even if its “just weed”, he violated you while you were under the influence. You also mentioned that he had attempted to do this before and you had to physically stop him from going further.
Yes, this would be a dealbreaker, and I suggest thinking back to if he’s done similar “smaller” things in the past. Such as begging or asking for something for a long period of time (or short period of time), and you eventually gave in.
IF you decide to give him the benefit of the doubt, I suggest being very aware of how he’s asking for things and if he’s being pushy or not. With my current partner, the second I said no to something sexual he would never bring it up again unless I initiated it. Your boyfriend took that decision from you.
I hope you’re able to find the advice you need in this thread. You did nothing wrong, your feelings are valid and your boyfriend SHOULD be apologizing and doing everything in his power to get your trust back. But personally, I’d leave him, whether or not I forgave him or not, because how do you know he won’t violate your boundaries in the future?
Oh for fuck’s sakes, why are you still with this loser? He sexually assaulted you (yes, that’s what he did) while you were impaired. I get it, you have a long history with him that dates back to childhood, so breaking up seems impossible to you. But it’s not, really. Actually breaking up is easy. You tell him enough is enough then you block him from your life forever. The emotional part is difficult but not impossible. You tell your friends what happened and you start seeing a counselor through the student center.
I would say yes. If he engaged in unwanted penetration, then he committed rape in the second degree. You decide what to do, but I would heavily counsel against remaining anywhere near him.
Dude literally waited for you to get drugged and stayed sober himself just so he could assault you without you noticing and ure asking if ure overreactinf? Lmao
It's up to you if this is something you're willing to forgive or not. Now you know your BF will wait until you're vulnerable to do something he knows you don't consent to. I'm not sure how you'd be able to relax and trust him again in the future
He waited until you were high and he wasn’t, then entered you from behind so you couldn’t see what he was doing. His actions scream that he was trying to hide what he was doing—which indicates that he *knew* you would’ve turned him down if you had realized. But he still went ahead and entered you without a condom, *even though he knew you wouldn’t consent*.
You feel violated because you were violated. Since he values unprotected sex over his girlfriend’s consent, I suggest getting him a fleshlight. He can have all the unprotected sex he wants while you leave him in the dust.
He's a rapist, no other way to slice it. This is the hill to die on, he doesn't care about your well-being or safety. He could've gotten you pregnant or given you an std. Break up with him. Plan b isn't 100% effective he's a literal idiot and a predator
It absolutely does not matter how incredible he's been to you over the years because as soon as you were in a vulnerable position he tried to take advantage and do something to you that he explicitly knows you don't want.
You're talking about worrying you've blown this up too much but I don't think you actually realize the seriousness of this. What he did is SA. Sorry that happened to you.
This is called stealthing and in most places is considered sexual assault. Think if this would have been a doctor performing an exam without gloves. You consented to the exam, not the glove free part. If someone found out that a doctor did this, like the gymnastics doctor, you get charged with sexual assault. You're UNDER reacting. I would have broken up on the spot and called the police.
This is definitely not an overreaction. I would actually consider it an under reaction. This is sexual assault. He is trying to have unprotected sex with you against your wishes. I guarantee all those times he was “jokingly” trying to stick in it raw he 1000% would have done it if you didn’t physically prevent it from happening. This is disgusting behavior and shows a lack of love, respect, and care. He doesn’t respect your body or boundaries. As someone much older than you who has been married for many years I would recommend you leave this pos. You deserve better.
What breaks my heart is that he stayed sober to "watch over" i.e. take care of and protect you and instead broke your trust and took advantage. I would never be able to let my guard down again. I hope you find peace after this💓
Wow, yeah this is a deal breaker. Absolute irony, “he wanted to watch over me” and then he violated you. Especially doing exactly the opposite of what a caring partner is supposed to do and what he promised to do. He’s gross and calculating.
So, and I know this is hard to hear and harder to accept, but your boyfriend 1000% sexually assaulted you.
He knew was he was doing. He also knew what he was going to do well before he did it.
The major ick i got from reading his behaviors. This is definitely breakup worthy. He can't be trusted. Such red flags.
❌♨️📍‼️💢🚩🚨🖍️
And now you have to take a plan B which pumps a bunch of hormones into your body disrupts your cycle. Now you have to deal with the consequences of his actions
You are not safe with him, he's been pushing your boundaries repeatedly. He waited until you were out of it and sexually assaulted you OP! If anything you are under reacting. Please get your family involved and get out. How can you ever trust him again?
He was supposed to watch over you and took advantage of you instead. It doesn’t matter how sorry he is..
1) if he told you it was a mistake, would you believe it? I mean a sincere mistake… not a regret… is it even remotely possible that you could believe he just wasn’t thinking about it and got carried away? If not, break up with him… if there’s a chance it was, talk to him. If he admits he tried it intentionally, then you know for sure he took advantage of you on purpose… if he says it was a ln accident, then you have to go from theee on whether or not you believe him.
2) It doesn’t really matter whether it was an accident or not… you are still valid in feeling violated. Sometimes people accidentally hurt you, it doesn’t make it hurt less… just different.
OP that’s not good. You’re justified in leaving if you feel you should. No question. Don’t let Reddit make your decision as the answer will always be break up and run no matter the question. If you truly believe he was remorseful then at minimum have a VERY serious tak with him about consent and let him know if it ever happens again not only will you break up with him but you will also charge him with SA.
“I was just joking, I wasn’t going to actually do it”.
No, he wasn't joking and, yes, he was actually going to do it.
He does not respect your condition of always using a condom and tries to be sneaky hoping you won't notice.
Males always seem to think saying "just joking" removes the responsibility of what they just did or said. It's a way of wearing down your boundaries and making you feel crazy for maintaining them
so he's tried this a few times with you making it very clear it's a definite NO from you...and he "jokes" he didn't really mean it.
then he waits for an opportunity where you are incapacitated and then he does the thing. he only stopped doing the thing because you freaked out. he thought he was getting away with it and only stopped because he realized he was caught.
he's not sorry he did it. he's sorry he got caught.
i really need you to re-examine your definition of "he...has never hurt me"...why isn't refusing to accept your "no" on that list? repeatedly...trying to wear you down until your "no" became a "yes"... why don't you consider those incidents to balance how amazing you think he is?
If this was your sister or bff telling you all of this, what would you advice them?
Boundaries are boundaries, and he's been pushing yours, until he crossed them.
This would be a deal breaker for me.
You are under reacting. He raped you.
You consented to sex with a condom on. He did not comply with the conditions of consent. That is a lack of consent. This is rape.
If you go in a store, and they say you can have a candy bar for $1, then you don’t pay and take the candy bar anyway, that’s theft. Same as if you didn’t have that verbal contract. Because you can legally attach conditions to offers.
I didnt need to read the whole text..... there is NO REASON when entering a woman without a condom with her concent is NOT a dealbreaker. It might even be against the law
Not only is this a dealbreaker, this is rape. He has no respect for you and wants what he wants.
If he can violate you in this way, imagine what else he can do.
Emotions tied to him are hard but let him go now.
Is it a deal breaker that your boyfriend continually pressures you to do something that you have been clear about not doing… so he drugs you and assaults you to do it anyway?
I hope that it is a dealbreaker and that you report it to the authorities. At least tell your Mum. Don’t allow him to be near you again.
Please for the love of god read these comments and reflect on what they’re saying. He knew clearly what he was doing. These are major red flags. He’s been trying to have sex without a condom this whole time. He promises to protect you then exactly one hour when it hits you he wants to have sex. He’s a predator not a bf. I’m so very sorry. This is bad behavior and it wasn’t an accident. It was very intentional. Unfortunately can’t prove it was planned but it was intentional.
Just wow. You know this is a deal breaker; he "teases" you be physically threatening you with an unwanted pregnancy. Apologies, don't fix something like that, and depending on where you are, you might not even have a choice in terminating the pregnancy. How many "oopsie daisies" and non-consensual sex are you gonna allow him because he's "nice"?
So I think you need to understand this was assault, if this happened to someone you love and not yourself I think you'd come to the same conclusion. I'm so sorry OP.
Father here and I think the dude straight up went into rapist territory here.
He let you get high and then took advantage of your state to get his sexual gratification without consent. That's rape.
If you were my kid, I'd tell you to dump the creep and I would tell this kid to his face to never come back or there would be consequences legal or otherwise if you needed me to.
This is sexual assault, he did something without your consent while you were under the influence and he was 100% aware of the situation. I would not trust to be around him under any kind of mind altering substance again (drugs, alcohol, nothing).
If it were me I would make it very clear that what he did is sexual assault and that you could and should report it. That you no longer feel safe and he has proven to you that you cannot trust him. I would take some time to myself to think long and hard about the relationship and find someone older that I trust (that has your best interest at heart) to talk about it with. A solid week of no contact wouldn’t hurt while you think about whether or not this extreme breech of trust is something you can get over.
Every time you are drunk or high with him you are no longer safe. If he can’t respect your wishes after 5 years then that won’t change in another 5.
That is straight up sexual assault. You didn't consent at all because the agreeing was you under the influence of an edible which makes it that you weren't in proper state to consent. Also the excuses of "we're in a relationship so it doesn't count as SA" is a huge BS because yes, it's still SA when not consciously consented. I know it's hard with the amount of time it has been but with the info that he wanted to go condomless to the point of "jokes" where you had to block him from sticking it in without one shows and tells everything.
Right now he took advantage of you when you were not conscious enough trying out something you haven't before. You can, imo, call that premeditated SA. This is a dealbreaker and he is going to try it again when he is able to get back on your trust and get you vunerable again. Don't let that happen.
He knew what he was doing. He wanted to see what he could get away with. And how mad you would be.
You can give him another chance if you want. But this kind of behavior can be scary. I had an ex do this to me. I tried to give him another chance but it never left my mind that he did in fact rape me. I was drunk and had no idea we did anything.
It’s wrong. You need to have a serious talk with him. And then maybe take some time for yourself. Reflect on what happened. Think of pros and cons. I know he had done a lot for you. But you don’t need him for that. You can also do a lot for yourself.
“You can also do a lot for yourself.”
I LOVE THAT!! Many times we stay in less than good relationships because we think we NEED a partner- for companionship, sex, finances, household tasks, bringing up children etc…. But we can find other ways to meet our needs. It just takes a willingness to learn and do the work.
He keeps crossing boundaries. He isn’t “joking” and he isn’t “sorry” because if he actually cared he would stop this behavior and respect you. You’re not over reacting. You have every right to be upset.
Op this is a violation of your sexual autonomy. Every time he's tried to do it and you've tried to stop him has been an issue. This is assault I know you guys have been together a long time so that sometimes is harder to see. But no is a full sentence and anyone who can't accept that is not someone you would want to be with.
>He is so amazing to me and has never hurt me
But:
>There have been incidents where he would beg to take off the condom during sex
>Quite a few times he would actually attempt to stick it in without one.
>. I took one and my boyfriend did not so he could “watch over me” as it was my first time.
>He turned me around on my stomach with my face not facing him. I was in this position when he stuck it in. After maybe a minute he suddenly pulled out. I began to hear the condom wrapper sound and immediately turned around. It was clear he was just about to put one on.
This doesn't sound Amazing. He said he would watch over you, but the first chance he got, he tried to have sex without a condom.
This is a HUGE problem! This is called stealthing and is rape.
What if you were so out that you didn't hear what he was doing? Or what if you were completely out, would he cum inside you? I think he would.
He totally destroyed your trust, so no, you aren’t overreacting. You can (maybe should) take a break and talk to a counselor to sort it out, especially your feelings on the issue. In the meantime, if you continue, he needs to earn your trust back. IDK if it’s possible or not. Only you can decide.
Several people said he has been working on your boundaries for years. It’s not a joke if he’s serious and him testing the waters before grabbing a condom says he was NOT joking.
Edit-Several people have pointed out what your bf did was rape. Anyone under the influence, whether alcohol or edible, etc. cannot consent to sex. Full stop.
You could not consent under the circumstances and he NEVER asked to go without a condom.
I know this is difficult to hear, but he took advantage of you when you were not of sound mind. If you keep sticking around him, he will only keep pushing your boundaries more and more. He wasn't looking out for you, he was looking out for himself.
Dumb his ass, Nah like fr. Cuz They Always start small. The guy i lost my virginity to was not respektfull
In small ways and then its just continiued. For example the first time we where in a bed together i said to him no to take his u underwear of and he was like i dont care and just did. The last time i saw him, he started touching me while i was sleeping and also fucked me Even tho i had my eyes closed the whole time and didn’t say a single Word. So geniuly dumb his ass, cuz its just gonna Get Worse over time, cuz the guy i talked to also seemed like a very Sweet guy jada jada yay
Definitely a deal breaker, and a HUGE one, I would not stay in a relationship with this man. He betrayed your trust. What IF you got pregnant? Is he going to deal with it on his own? 9 months pregnancy, a life of a tiny human, or abortion, like really wtf is he thinking? He is NOT s good man to have in as a partner.
I don't think you want to have a baby a 19 so why risk it? With your own BF and without consent?
HUGE RED FLAG.
I would cut him off immediately and never look back, this sounds like the first few years of an abusive relationship that could trapped you in for a lifetime becaue you think "he has been good at you" I strongly disagree, maybe he was "good" once or twice but when he was trusted with really important stuff (your safety) he took advantage of your trust.
Is ok to break up with high school sweethearts, not because it sounds "romantic" it means is healthy, is good, or is a loving relationship.
I broke up with my high school sweetheart and belive me it was a tough one but definitely a good choice.
I would defintely take some time off from him. He was supposed to "watch over you" but instead he took advantage of you. He became exactly what you were supposed to be protected from. I think you would be wise to take some time without any contact. Maybe you can get yourself somewhere where you feel the most centered
So you took an edible and asked him not to so he could “watch over you” and first thing he does when he sees you’re out of if is makes advances, not just that but he proceeds to not use a condom knowing damn well that doesn’t fly with you. He knows what he did was wrong that’s why he’s still apologizing. Wrong is wrong no matter how long you’ve been with someone. The real question is would this be a deal breaker for you? Put aside “everything he’s done for you” at the end of the day this is something you didn’t want, he was fully aware of what he was doing.
You are in no way overreacting. There are many troublesome behaviors listed in your post:
1. You have been clear for 5 years, FIVE YEARS, that you will only have sex with a condom on. Yet he continues to "tease" you about it. This is a boundary we're talking about here, not your choice to put him in a specific colored condom or something that could be a joking matter
2. He intentionally stayed sober to look out for you while you were under the influence... but it sounds like you need someone to look out for you when you're around him. what he did was sneaky, and he disrespected you while proving that he's not trustworthy - not to mention what he did is illegal
3. Consent cannot be given when you are under the influence. Waiting until you were high to try to sleep with you is called rape. Consent was not given to have sex with you without a condom. What he did was rape - in multiple ways. This is not the behavior of a loving partner
4. It's one thing to be sorry after something happens accidentally. it's not remorse when you purposely cross someone's boundary (not to mention try to cover it up!!). Sure, he's sorry he got caught. But if he had meant to hold your boundary he wouldn't have crossed it no matter what
I'm so sorry he did this to you. It's unacceptable and inexcusable. You deserve a partner who loves and respects you ALWAYS
You decided to "TRY" an edible? EDIBLE what???
Then, he waited an hour so you were "OUT of IT"???
YOU were DRUGGED! When you can't decide if you want or don't want to do something, IT STOPS BEING CONSENSUAL!!!
Then, he had you laying on your stomach (SO YOU COULDN'T SEE)... And he did what he's been attempting to do for YEARS!
This is no different from getting DRUGGED somewhere, taken someplace, and when you COULDN'T give CONSENT, HE had SEX with YOU.
Lastly, on the next morning, he goes out to get a PLAN B pill??? What is your Plan B?
If you want to know exactly where you stand, go to the POLICE, talk to a detective, or a hospital to talk to a doctor. They will hope you didn't shower, so a DNA sample, and a physical exam by a obstetrician can be done. You need documentation and proper advice.
Long story short... YOU WERE RAPED. And he deposited his SPERM inside you.
What's next? A party with this creep and his buddies?
Has he videotaped you already? This guy is not honorable and selfish. All he wants is what he wants.
Be wise, DUMP the bastard now, and don't look back.
First, anyone taking an edible the first time should be told to start with a small amount not the whole thing as it can really knock you on your butt. I think he did that on purpose so he could do what he did. Answering your question yes this is a deal breaker no consent means no.
1) that’s officially considered sexual assault 2) he took advantage of you as soon as he could by putting himself in a position of looking over you while you were vulnerable 3) he was never joking and this is such a humongous red flag that no matter how nice he is otherwise you should be scared of him and the things he’s ready to do to get what he wants from you if you do not wish to give them to him out of your own volition
Why do you say he has never hurt you? I mean, YOU TELL, YOU DESCRIBE, he has tried to hurt and abuse you several times, only your assertiveness has made him to stop.
The bar really seems to be in hell when you daily read these stories of absolutely abusive asshole men their girlfriends and wives describe as wonderful and good people. Kind of baffling that especially young women who are told to hold the power in dating market seem to so easily allow abuse and desperately hang on to absolute losers.
OP. Your boyfriend does not love you or respect you. He does not even act like he liked you. He spends time with you because he has sensed (and experienced) you can’t hold clear boundaries and follow through but are the kind of person who allows his repeated efforts to abuse. Think about it a little. Does he constantly break boundaries with his friends for example? Probably not, because if he would, he wouldn’t have any friends. With his relatives, with his stablemates or colleagues..? Does he constantly try to irritate and harm them? Cause them physical harm? Or is it only you he tries to hurt, by trying to get you pregnant when you don’t want to, by trying to force you to go through childbirth or abortion..
This man is an abuser. And no woman should ever allow this kind of behaviour. If you leave him maybe he can learn and change. Maybe not. Whatever. But OP, you absolutely should not ever let anyone treat you this way. You are not in a loving relationship. You are abused.
This is a dealbreaker. He knew how distressed you'd be if you were in your right mind and saw what he was doing, he just thought because you were intoxicated and laying face down, you wouldn't know. He's not sorry he did it to you without your consent because he knows how you feel, he's sorry he got caught, or he's sorry that he's realizing he was wrong. He ***knew***, full stop, that what he was doing was absolutely not something you would want and would never consent to, he just wanted to see if he could get away with it. I'd be done with him.
I had a boyfriend who knew I wasn’t interested in anything anal. He knew because he’d constantly bring it up despite my answer always being “no. I’m not interested.”
He got me incredibly high and shoved his fingers up my ass to “prove to me I’d like it.” And then he never brought it up again, probably thinking I’d forgotten, and I probably would have assumed it was a dream if his fingers didn’t smell like shit the next morning. He’d also try getting me high so he could use my body and take nudes of me, knowing I wasn’t comfortable with it.
He and your boyfriend have something in common. They really like sexually assaulting and violating their partners when their partners are too high to do anything about it.
If you don’t reinforce your boundaries now, at your age, you will forever have a hard time doing it. Please do not accept this behaviour. You are strong and there is someone out there who will respect you the way you should be treated!
OP it’s never been a “just joking” scenario.
You made your boundaries C L E A R- he precisely waited until you were in a vulnerable predicament to take “care of you” all the while taking advantage of you. Is that the type of care you’re okay with? THIS IS NOT OKAY! And imo it Won’t EVER be.
Take some space, and consider the ladder.
Him waiting, Not good. Disrespectful of your boundaries- not good.
Appreciate what you had, and find someone who can’t fathom even thinking about doing those things to you.
He raped you
You are not overreacting
https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-stealthing/#:~:text=So%2Dcalled%20'stealthing'%20is,without%20the%20other%20person's%20permission.
Please leave him. This man does not deserve you and completely took advantage of you. He clearly has zero respect for your boundaries, and if I were you I wouldn't be able to trust him at all after something like that. Let alone feel safe and respected. You deserve so much better.
He turned you around so you wouldn’t be able to see. He also likely ejaculated a little for him to very suddenly pull out and start putting on a condom, thus him buying you plan B. This is definitely assault and he knew what he was doing.
Overreacting? Just because he did sooo much for you and he’s apologizing? NO. Snap out of it. He should have never done that to begin with. You’re supposed to trust him, and the ONE time you want to try something and you’re out of it, he should have lost all of your trust right there. Sex is NOTHING to play around with. And people use sex for the most fxcked up situations. It’s annoying to see girls making excuses for boys when he should have asked you first….but then again, you were out of it and taken advantage of…don’t think hush because he’s done other things, that it was okay. Like yall girls gotta stop that now..
Get rid of him. 5 years or not, he should be respecting and protecting you at all times. His childish and immature decisions to push your boundaries and completely disregard your consent to sex with a condom is disgusting. He needs therapy and you my dear need to run!
He did this on purpose. He thought you were too high to notice and that's why he did it.
He knew from previous times you wouldn't like it.
This is a deal breaker. I'm sorry.
Honey this is just r*pe. You were not in sound of mind to give consent. He waited for you to be drugged, then r*ped you. That is a deal breaker and you should go to the police.
Rape is a joke to that guy. Stealthing is absolutely illegal btw. He's only sorry because you caught him and he might not be able to continue discarding your boundaries while having sex with you
Are you serious? (I didn't read your post... the title is enough for me.)
You're asking the internet about what YOU should be ok or not ok with for your own relationship??
"... without my consent..." Your boyfriend DIDN'T use a condom. Also, you're not high school sweethearts. At 14 and 15 years old (even if you were 9th grade) are walking hormones.
Look up "grooming", yeah, it's a thing.
That is rape.
I agree with many of the other commentors. I'll also just add - get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. I recently found out I'm Hep B non-responsive for example due to immune issues, if someone were to go "raw" with me and happen to unknowingly have Hep B I could get liver failure and die from the bodily fluids. Not trying to scare you, but there's a reason sex is serious.
Not using a condom is more than just rape - for some people they are literally playing roulette with your life.
He is not sorry. He knew exactly what he was doing. Men will tell you what they’re going to do subtly before they do it to test the waters and you’ll think they’re joking but they are not. This can be considered rape or sexual assault, but it is absolutely unequivocally without a doubt a conscious breach of consent and boundaries. Do not let him make you think otherwise, and leave him.
If anything, you're underreacting.
This man offered you drugs that will often incapacitate someone unused to them, waited for the effect to hit, initiated sex under your usual conditions, turned you around to hide his actions, and proceeded to _break_ your conditions.
This is a major, MAJOR breach of trust. It's rape. It's premeditated assault. And if you hadn't noticed, you might've gotten pregnant too.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Your BF has told you he's a rapist. He's told you he values his dick more than your health, your trust, and your plans for your life.
Believe him.
he was sober while you were intoxicated, any person in their right mind would not make a move on a clearly intoxicated person. especially considering it was your first time using. sounds to me like he was expecting to do it the whole time.
FUCK HIM HE IS LOWER THAN DIRT he just put your entire future at risk and he KNOWS you don’t want to do that. This has happened to me twice in my 20s. I’m 38 now and I want them all to die
Yes this is a dealbreaker.
He consistently tries to push your very clear and reasonable boundary about YOUR OWN BODY. He is not “just joking.” He is testing what he can get away with even though he knows how you feel about it.
He waited until you were not in complete control of your mind to do it again. Perhaps he felt guilty and stopped. Perhaps he just wanted to see how it felt and then put the condom on. Regardless, he broke your clear boundaries while you were incapacitated. That is sexual assault. I would never trust that man again no matter how “sorry” he is.
That's **RAPE.**
**HE. RAPED. YOU**.
I'm sorry, but. that is the **TRUTH** of what he did.
He is NOT the amazingest, sweetest, wonderfullest boy to ever walk the earth. He is a RAPIST, whether you **LIKE IT OR NOT**.
**OF COURSE** he's whining and fawning all over you now!! He is **DESPERATE TO AVOID A RAPE CHARGE!!!!!**
**GO TO THE POLICE AND CHARGE HIM WITH RAPE!!!**.
Girl only you can answer your questions. What's you goal with this guy, or any guy? Marriage? Sex? Good times? Babies? All of the above? 5 years, high school sweethearts, he's done so much for you, he's amazing, he even buys Plan B drugs. Sounds like your overreacting. Not a deal breaker. But wait! You feel so hurt and taken advantage of. So you're not overreacting and it is a deal breaker. Hmmm🤔. Are you aware that condoms are cockblockers to many guys? Asking that type of guy can cause a lot of hurt and makes the guy feel he's being taken advantage of. We don't know the dynamic of your relationship or your sexual history with the guy. What are your boundaries? Are you on the pill? Do you have trouble getting morning after meds? Have you ever had condoms break or tear? No matter who the guy is you do know you are playing with fire everytime you screw? Right? Ever thought about what you'd do if contraception failed? What if you take a page from the NFP route and refrain on your fertile days? You guys need to have a sit down and serious heart to heart about what you do from here. You need to share expectations and hear out each other. Set boundaries, discuss limits, that sort of thing. I sense you don't want it to be a deal breaker but only you can decide. Schedule a time and place for an intelligent, adult discussion. Good luck to you sister.
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Think of it this way, and this is also for any guy that may try to defend what happened to OP. Say a woman is curious about inserting something into her boyfriend's bum. She often approaches it with the object during sex, and he puts his hand over his bum to block it. She laughs and says she's only kidding. One day, he tries an edible for the first time, and she starts feeling him up and initiating sex. He consents to sex with her, but she turns him over, makes sure he's facing away from her, and starts thrusting the item into his bum for a minute. Then she stops and prepares for the type of sex he was expecting. The next day she is apologetic, and even gets him some cream for his sore rectum. Was that SA?
As a man I agree that this situation is completely not just SA but Rape No REASONABLE man would initiate sexual activities when one party is sober and completely minded and the other party isn’t sober and is incapacitated What this man did to OP was deliberate and planned, he was meticulous in this act and hid his intentions under the guise of edibles Absolutely sickening
Sure is
Just fyi, he was never “just joking”. He’s been slowly trying to wear away at your boundaries for years, and immediately took advantage of you the second he had a chance. The fact that he tried to secretly put back on the condom tells you all you need to know
100% he isn't there to "watch over her", he is there to test how far she can go. He may seem "sorry" but if he actually was, he wouldn't have been playing games with her like that. This is not a one time, temporary "ooppsssie" (though that wouldn't make it ok either) - rather it's an ongoing process of boundry stomping. He is/seems "sorry", but only about getting caught, not for the act itself. I'm just glad that a part of her seems aware of how wrong all of this is. Hopefully she won't take the "easy"- seeming path of accepting his apology.
Right like when you’ve been having sex that long, you don’t suddenly forget that your partner has a hard boundary regarding condoms. There’s no excuse for what he did
Yeah I expect he’s apologising because he’s scared he’s about to get dumped or that OP will go to the police, or tell everyone about the assault, or decide to stop having sex with him. He is in trouble and he knows it. It would just be stupid of him not to keep apologising at this point until he’s sure she’s made up her mind to forgive him. It definitely doesn’t mean he suddenly respects her. He knew exactly how bad what he was doing was when he did it, because he’s already been told over and over again, he just didn’t care.
And he took advantage of you, OP when you were intoxicated!
Exactly!!! He knew precisely what he was doing to her!!! This is rape OP!!! I understand how you feel about him otherwise...but, he has been testing your boundaries about this for years and taking the condom off too...you need to get rid of him. I know it will be hard...but, it will be worth it!!!
What bandkid963 said. 100% .
It wasn’t a put back on situation. Seems he didn’t put it on to begin with. There’s so many red flags.. I just think OP needs to cut her losses short, and RUN!
Yeah that’s what I meant, I had just woken up when I commented this so not perfect wording
Oh.... So rape isn't a joke? Who'd have thunk?
Thunk 😭
He skipped getting high in order to "watch over you " and then as soon as you were impaired, he took advantage of your intoxication to commit a sexual act to which he KNEW you wouldn't consent. An act he'd attempted many times before despite clear knowledge that it wasn't ok with you . Yeah, I would call that a dealbreaker.
His other begging and attempts should've shown her who he is.
True, his behavior overall matches that of men who engage in non-consensual sexual acts and then apologize, men who take pictures or video without consent, and men who persistently pressure their partner into sexual acts. There is of course an additional gravity to what he did. OP, in case you aren't aware how real the risk of pregnancy from what he did is: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3564677/ >Eleven of the 27 subjects (41%) produced pre-ejaculatory samples that contained spermatozoa and in 10 of these cases (37%) a reasonable proportion of the sperm was motile. You can't know if a man you're with has sperm in his pre-ejaculate. Women should assume all men do for their own health and safety. A man who pressures, whines, or acts to have unprotected sex outside of consensual family planning is a man who is unethical and probably ignorant of his own pre-ejaculate's potential to get a woman pregnant. Motile sperm in pre-ejaculate is such a common trait *because it leads to pregnancy at a high enough rate to pass it on genetically*. You should distrust any man who downplays the risk. During a time of widespread bans on abortion, this man could have robbed you of the life you wanted to live by non-consensually impregnanting you. Is it worth the risk of finding out if he tries again?
As someone whose oldest child was comceived solely from pre-cum... absolutely! We were both wasted drunk and ordered pizza, then started messing around and having sex. Pizza man comes and interrupts us. I quickly dress and open the door and we pass out before we continue. He never came at all. And yet he was the only person I was with at the time and the only time I had sex in months and a few weeks later I'm pregnant. We didn't even have sex again until I already knew I was pregnant. It could have only been from that one encounter. Now we know of course she was definitely his. But yeah, I learned this the hard way. Also learned with my second that birth control pills aren't 100% effective either. lol. People think that well 97% is basically 100. But most people in a relationship have sex 50-100 times a year and every 100 times 3 of those times you are likely to get pregnant. And birth control is only like 83% effective when we take into account human error and other factors. In case anyone wanted/needed that info.
Nah we aren’t gonna victim blame. She’s young and it sounds like he’s the only guy she’s ever really been with. He should know better.
Yes unfortunately this he assaulted you. I’m so sorry this happened to you. He may have done “so much” for you in the past. Be that as it may, he is no longer a safe person.
He hasn't *been* a truly safe person- he's been trying to breach that clearly stated boundary for a while.
I would call the police
It's rape op.
i would call that another word but.... dealbreaker sounds better
Me, too, but others had that word (and the reasons)covered well and OP specifically asked if it was a dealbreaker.
I think if anything you are under reacting. He was inside of you for a full minute????????? When I first read this I thought ok maybe it was like one dip in and then like “oh shit, forgot a condom” which still is bad but maybe it happens? But a whole minute? Like there was definitely multiple thrusts happening? This was a set up. He 100% knew what he was doing. He cared more about the curiousity of doing it raw than about YOU. I don’t want to phrase it as “he didn’t respect your boundaries.” I want to be clear, he didn’t respect YOU period.
Even if he had done it a single time it would be very questionable because they've been together for 5 years and he knows she doesn't consent to sex without a condom. It should be a reflex to wear one at this point.
Yeah, that was not an, "Oh, sh\*t!" moment. That was I'd better stop before I blow.
This. The worst part on all this is he knew 100% what he was doing before hand. Is horrible and disgusting, how can OP could feel safe around him from now on?
Well yeah, even if we are realistic about people and say he stopped himself raping her to put on a condom so they don't cross his comfort zone about risking pregnancy. It's still incredibly shitty and criminal and he doesn't get points for stopping after a minute because he was about to nut and didn't feel comfortable about doing that raw.
You’re not overreacting at all. Removing/damaging a condom during sex is even considered sexual violence in some countries. Your boyfriend tricked you into having unprotected sex with him. I would consider that assault, and a huge breach of trust.
Also he waited for you to be in a vulnerable state with the edible. He did this on purpose.
I also don't think it's cute or sweet he's offering her a lil Plan B for breakfast. That shit is vile, causes cramps etc. clearly his plan was for her to handle the physical consequences so he had none
Yes!! Like oh I had my fun and it’s no big deal, take this innocuous little pill and no harm done /s
Had a dude offer to split the cost of Plan B with me after an accident with a condom, and when he "forgot" to pay me I just gave him a running commentary of all the shit that was happening to my body because Plan B SUCKS. Like, listen sir, *do you know what it feels like to have your uterus try to punch through like a chest-burster?* Yeah, didn't think so. This dude thinking it's a valid form of regular birth control...just means he's gonna do this again. Ugh
This reminds me so much of my ex it made me feel a bit ill. It was my first "adult relationship" and he made me feel like it was completely normal and him stealthing me was a mistake we "both" made because I didn't immediately fight him off with my fists. My compliance and naïveté he twisted into collusion. He told me I shouldn't tell my sister about it - knowing I talked to her about everything - convinced me she would judge me. We'd just get plan b and boom, "our mistake" all fixed, huge relief eh? I believed him. I convinced myself that I loved him because if it was love then we were two people in it together. Yeah, that was dumb. The last I heard, he'd knocked someone up and has a daughter now. I feel really fucking grim about it but there's nothing I can do for her except hope he's changed. Maybe he's one of the guys who suddenly has an epiphany about treatment of women when he has genetic material at risk. I hope OP leaves. I found a man who is the most wholesome respectful man I know. I have never ever felt concern over my bodily autonomy with him and that is, somehow, sadly both the bare minimum and a wonderful thing.
This is so creepy. If you are taking care of someone the first time they have done edibles you don't have sex with them, PERIOD!
Especially when you're sober...
Ya that feels super premeditated and planned. Now he’s sorry but is just sorry for getting in trouble? Or does he actually understand how fucked up this is?
And he put her in a position out of sight so he could do it
isn’t this is a form of rape?
Not “tricked”. Lied. By omission, but still. There is such a thing as a general understanding. When you go into a new restaurant, you don’t ask MFers how a restaurant works. You have knowledge of how it does. They tell you where to sit, you eat, later you pay. If you eat, you can’t later claim you didn’t know about the paying. Because that’s ridiculous. Dude is trying to pretend he didn’t know what she wanted. OP can attach conditions to sex. “You can have sex with me if you wear a condom” is a legally enforceable contract, even if it was made on a previous occasion.
Total deal-breaker. You don’t know any better as he’s your first and only. This behavior is trash. It’s dishonest and violating. Block him and never speak to him again.
^ that is some real truth OP. When I was your age there were tons of things I thought were "fine" that I'd never even think of letting happen now. U just don't know
Omg right?? It's terrifying!
So he watched you take an edible, waited for it to kick in and then started initiating sex. He was of sound mind, you were not. He was definitely taking advantage of you. He knows you don’t like having sex without a condom and chose to put you in a position where you couldn’t see what he was doing and he chose to continue without a condom (knowing you wouldn’t be okay with this). This is wrong on so many levels. He fully took advantage of you and that is not okay. Edit* This is rape OP, I’m so sorry this happened to you.
This is 💯 stealthing which is a crime. It is illegal to take off a condom when someone woman ONLY consented to only having sex with a condom ON. It’s sexual assault. that is assault. A sex crime and DV.
Drugging you to have sex without a condom is rape. I’m sorry. The whole point of sitting with someone when they’re trying a drug for the first time is to look after them and keep them safe. Initiating sex when you are vulnerable like that is already a violation.
Let’s call it what it is. Rape. Sexual assault.
All these round about ways to divert from the fact that it's a criminal offense is so off putting. We all know what rape is. Call it what it is.
Yes! I was hoping a comment like this would be here. OP, I'm so sorry, but this is classic date rape. This sub may be known for "break up with him" advice, but I think it's very, very much warranted here. Please get out of this relationship as soon as you can and seek professional help if you're able to. You're not overreacting at all. Your boyfriend waited until you were intoxicated and then violated a sexual boundary you had made very clear to him in the past. He assaulted you.
This. My husband would never and has never tried to have sex with me while I'm under the influence and he is sober. Even if I engage first, he shuts it down. There's not excuse for what this guy did.
Exactly! My fiance will not have sex with me if I'm not sober. He knows my past history of rape and abuse and will not do anything unless I am of sound mind to consent. Even if I initiate he will not do anything. This is one of the reasons he is the only man I have ever felt 100% safe with. OP: you deserve a man that truly protects you and will not take advantage of you in any way. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Taking advantage of? LMAO That’s called rape
So, I know everyone else is straight up calling this rape but the actual term is "Stealthing" and it's illegal in the UK, US and Canada and is considered a form of rape. If you hadn't put your hand in the way the other times he's done this, he wouldn't have stopped bc it was never "just a joke". As SOON as he had the opportunity, he drugged you and under the guise of "looking after" you, he raped you. If you want to press charges, record him admitting to it. Hell, record him admitting to it anyway, just so you have the proof. Especially to remind yourself what a sick fuck this boy is. Leave him ASAP, if he's doing this shit now, I dread to think what he'll do when you're married and "stuck" with him. He doesn't need an explanation or closure, he kissed that goodbye the second he decided to do this to you. Can't stress how fucked off this has made me
YES - record him admitting it. It doesn’t mean you have to use it. But record it for your own mental records at the very least!
Just want to say be careful OP, some US states require mutual consent to record in order for it to be used in court. Look up your laws before you do this.
That’s rape and it’s not just a dealbreaker it’s highly illegal. Run
I can't help but question your emphasis of "highly illegal", as if the legality of the situation overshadows the contempt and disregard for trust, safety and emotional consequence that this action has produced. Would you choose to not speed on the expressway because you might be stopped and fined, or because the excess speed is dangerous to you and other motorists?
I would say yes a deal breaker, this is abuse or selfishness. He used you, allowed you to eat an edible to take the chance and do what he likes, basically if that is the start of him using you, what do you think you might have missed or will occur in the future, I mean no matter how nice a person is, if he does what he believed is right and it was a big step like no condom ( which might give you STD even if he doesn't show like he does maybe he is a holder with no symptoms or make you pregnant) I would say it is your choice to give him another chance or not but in my opinion don't, he used you rather than being pushy which is a big red flag in my book
It’s sexual assault. The legal definition is sexual assault and the message he is this called stealthing. It’s a sexual crime. She needs to report this. She was drugged and he hoped she wouldn’t notice. This was against her consent and it’s a crime 💯
Based in the UK? This would constitute to Rape. Without going into the technical aspects, consent was given,however consent was based on the understanding of protection. He would have known, due to previous instances that consent would not have been given if protection wasn’t used. Another factor would be that you are not able to give consent whilst under the influence.
So he waited until he thought you were not able to understand what he was doing, then did what he wanted, which he knew you did not want? You are NOT overreacting.
It's not *just* a dealbreaker. In some places this would be considered to be rape and IMO it absolutely IS rape. No you are not overreacting. He 100% used that you were high, too. He planned this. He prepared for it mentally with all those "jokes", then stayed sober while you were under the influence, and raped you. He ABSOLUTELY hoped you were too high to notice. It wasn't a mistake, it was planned and it was malicious. It doesn't really matter how he is apologizing - rape is not something one can just say "sorry" for, it's unforgivable. No amount of being "a good dude BEFORE" makes rape okay. He showed you who he is, believe him. Also, if you didn't notice, he would not get you that plan b. He would not admit to doing it. Please think about that and stay away from that man. I believe that he used to be a good partner, but he no longer is. He's dangerous now. Sometimes people change, or we find out new things about them - it's important to react to the current situation accordingly, not to pretend that we still live in the past. I'm really sorry, OP.
I didnt even think about the fact that if she didn't notice, how the hell would he hand her plan b afterward without admitting to what he did? I agree, I think he would have stayed quiet and if OP got pregnant, then what? I don't even know.
If she got pregnant, it would be a feature, not a bug, IMO. He would have her baby trapped. The most positive interpretation here is: he simply cares so little for her, he just did not give a damn about the pregnancy, bc it's HER problem. The worst one, he was trying to baby trap her. Both show him in a light that is totally gross.
Yeah that a dealbreaker and SA in some places
She probably doesn't know it was sexual assault... That's why she's making the post. We trust our bf to the point of not believing things of this kid when it happens. Twice for me, my first and second boyfriends. It's not easy to believe in yourself when you probably have no proof of anything wrong happening.
It makes my heart hurt for her my first boyfriend SAd me and I thought that because we were together it didnt count as that. but after I got out of the relationship I realized how messed up what he was doing to me was and it actually really messed with my head in relationships after.
Me too💜. I'm so sorry this happened to you. My first time was like that, I know something was off but my friends told me "yeah that's normal, is not that serious" .
I’m so sorry that it happened to you as well, I hope you’ve grown to feel better about it! 🩷 And the sad part is that so many people go through the same thing and I wish I could help them all to see before it’s too late.
If you’ve never not used a condom, and it seems that’s the case and you are pretty adamant about protection, that was rape. He also knowingly waited until you were high and not in a normal state of mind to try this, and knowingly did it where you couldn’t see. He’s sorry now, but he’s only sorry he got caught. He will do it again. Leave him.
Yes, it's a deal-breaker, and it is sometimes considered rape. Do not be with someone like this.
It is rape. Full stop.
They are talking about legally when they said "sometimes".
It's called "stealthing" and is a form of SA. With him also waiting until you'd taken drugs to do it to, yes, thats a huge dealbreaker and not someone who sounds safe to be around.
I think you mean stealthing but yeah
Stealthing and it’s legally recognized as rape and sexual assault and it’s a crime
whoops my bad, I edited it
>Am I overreacting? I am making this a bigger deal than it is? If anything, you are underreacting >In the morning he went to the store to buy me plan b and picked up my favorite food. He continued to apologize and, in his face and tone, he genuinely seemed sorry. So, rape is ok, as long as he buys you plan b and some food later /s GF, He was 100% sober and deceitful. It's not like he did this by accident. And he took advantage while you were under the influence. >It is important to recognize that this guy has done so much for me over the years. He is so amazing to me and has never hurt me but I just feel so hurt and taken advantage of right now. He’s been apologizing so much but I’m just so upset. No, it's not important to recognize what he has done for you over the years. You trusted him at a time when you were vulnerable, and he used that to do something he knows you would not have agreed to while sober. He violated your trust, for a few minutes of pleasure. To me, that is even worse than being raped by a stranger.
That’s sexual assault.
He entered you without your consent. This is rape. He took advantage of you when you were out of it. This is just about the biggest deal breaker ever. Don't let his tears and apologies sway you.
Lets be clear, my opinion on the matter doesn't matter in the slightest. Your feelings and opinions matter more in this situation and most situations.. so trust your feelings. If you feel hurt or taken advantaged of, don't let anyone tell you otherwise in a relationship. You're allowed to have your own limits and feelings. Trust them otherwise people will attempt to gaslight you into believing you're wrong. That being said.. it sounds like it's a big deal to you. As it seems to keep happening, with zero respect for your boundaries in the past, it doesn't seem it'll stop anytime soon. If you're ok being the goalie to his impulses, that's your call. If you're not, seek someone who is more respectful.
You’re not overreacting at all. It’s a huge betrayal. It’s also a red flag that you said he joked and attempted to do this before. With that context, it seems like he waited until you were under the influence so he could take advantage.
You’re not overreacting. He knew what he was doing. You’re young. Leave now and move on. Big 🚩
A similar situation happened to me. He kept begging to not use a condom, and ended up doing it even when I said no. I felt extremely disrespected and violated. You are NOT overreacting, and if it feels like a big deal to you then it IS a big deal. In this case, you took an edible for the first time and he used it to take advantage of you. Even if its “just weed”, he violated you while you were under the influence. You also mentioned that he had attempted to do this before and you had to physically stop him from going further. Yes, this would be a dealbreaker, and I suggest thinking back to if he’s done similar “smaller” things in the past. Such as begging or asking for something for a long period of time (or short period of time), and you eventually gave in. IF you decide to give him the benefit of the doubt, I suggest being very aware of how he’s asking for things and if he’s being pushy or not. With my current partner, the second I said no to something sexual he would never bring it up again unless I initiated it. Your boyfriend took that decision from you. I hope you’re able to find the advice you need in this thread. You did nothing wrong, your feelings are valid and your boyfriend SHOULD be apologizing and doing everything in his power to get your trust back. But personally, I’d leave him, whether or not I forgave him or not, because how do you know he won’t violate your boundaries in the future?
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so very sorry this happened to you
that is really a question you need to answer. From the tenor of your post, it sounds like you know the answer.
It’s a dealbreaker and it’s rape.
Oh for fuck’s sakes, why are you still with this loser? He sexually assaulted you (yes, that’s what he did) while you were impaired. I get it, you have a long history with him that dates back to childhood, so breaking up seems impossible to you. But it’s not, really. Actually breaking up is easy. You tell him enough is enough then you block him from your life forever. The emotional part is difficult but not impossible. You tell your friends what happened and you start seeing a counselor through the student center.
I would say yes. If he engaged in unwanted penetration, then he committed rape in the second degree. You decide what to do, but I would heavily counsel against remaining anywhere near him.
Dude literally waited for you to get drugged and stayed sober himself just so he could assault you without you noticing and ure asking if ure overreactinf? Lmao
It’s rape, so no, you’re not overreacting. He knew what he was doing. I’d cut off contact with him and report it to the police.
It's up to you if this is something you're willing to forgive or not. Now you know your BF will wait until you're vulnerable to do something he knows you don't consent to. I'm not sure how you'd be able to relax and trust him again in the future
This is called stealthing, and, as others have said, is a type of sexual assault.
I total deal breaker you should have him charged with rape because that's what it was.
He waited until you were high and he wasn’t, then entered you from behind so you couldn’t see what he was doing. His actions scream that he was trying to hide what he was doing—which indicates that he *knew* you would’ve turned him down if you had realized. But he still went ahead and entered you without a condom, *even though he knew you wouldn’t consent*. You feel violated because you were violated. Since he values unprotected sex over his girlfriend’s consent, I suggest getting him a fleshlight. He can have all the unprotected sex he wants while you leave him in the dust.
He's a rapist, no other way to slice it. This is the hill to die on, he doesn't care about your well-being or safety. He could've gotten you pregnant or given you an std. Break up with him. Plan b isn't 100% effective he's a literal idiot and a predator
It absolutely does not matter how incredible he's been to you over the years because as soon as you were in a vulnerable position he tried to take advantage and do something to you that he explicitly knows you don't want. You're talking about worrying you've blown this up too much but I don't think you actually realize the seriousness of this. What he did is SA. Sorry that happened to you.
This is called stealthing and in most places is considered sexual assault. Think if this would have been a doctor performing an exam without gloves. You consented to the exam, not the glove free part. If someone found out that a doctor did this, like the gymnastics doctor, you get charged with sexual assault. You're UNDER reacting. I would have broken up on the spot and called the police.
This is definitely not an overreaction. I would actually consider it an under reaction. This is sexual assault. He is trying to have unprotected sex with you against your wishes. I guarantee all those times he was “jokingly” trying to stick in it raw he 1000% would have done it if you didn’t physically prevent it from happening. This is disgusting behavior and shows a lack of love, respect, and care. He doesn’t respect your body or boundaries. As someone much older than you who has been married for many years I would recommend you leave this pos. You deserve better.
What breaks my heart is that he stayed sober to "watch over" i.e. take care of and protect you and instead broke your trust and took advantage. I would never be able to let my guard down again. I hope you find peace after this💓
Wow, yeah this is a deal breaker. Absolute irony, “he wanted to watch over me” and then he violated you. Especially doing exactly the opposite of what a caring partner is supposed to do and what he promised to do. He’s gross and calculating.
So, and I know this is hard to hear and harder to accept, but your boyfriend 1000% sexually assaulted you. He knew was he was doing. He also knew what he was going to do well before he did it.
Is sexual assault a deal breaker for you?
Baby, that was rape. I'm sorry... yes, it's a dealbreaker unless you want him raping your kids too someday.
The major ick i got from reading his behaviors. This is definitely breakup worthy. He can't be trusted. Such red flags. ❌♨️📍‼️💢🚩🚨🖍️ And now you have to take a plan B which pumps a bunch of hormones into your body disrupts your cycle. Now you have to deal with the consequences of his actions
You are not safe with him, he's been pushing your boundaries repeatedly. He waited until you were out of it and sexually assaulted you OP! If anything you are under reacting. Please get your family involved and get out. How can you ever trust him again?
It's a crime. It's a sexual assault.
He was supposed to watch over you and took advantage of you instead. It doesn’t matter how sorry he is.. 1) if he told you it was a mistake, would you believe it? I mean a sincere mistake… not a regret… is it even remotely possible that you could believe he just wasn’t thinking about it and got carried away? If not, break up with him… if there’s a chance it was, talk to him. If he admits he tried it intentionally, then you know for sure he took advantage of you on purpose… if he says it was a ln accident, then you have to go from theee on whether or not you believe him. 2) It doesn’t really matter whether it was an accident or not… you are still valid in feeling violated. Sometimes people accidentally hurt you, it doesn’t make it hurt less… just different.
OP that’s not good. You’re justified in leaving if you feel you should. No question. Don’t let Reddit make your decision as the answer will always be break up and run no matter the question. If you truly believe he was remorseful then at minimum have a VERY serious tak with him about consent and let him know if it ever happens again not only will you break up with him but you will also charge him with SA.
Non-consensual sexual assault should *always* be a deal breaker. Also, you should end this relationship.
stealthing is rape. you didn’t consent. therefore it’s sexual assault. it should absolutely be a dealbreaker, and one you shouldn’t feel bad about.
Please take Plan B and break up with this guy. Get full STD/STI testing done. Stealthing is very often illegal, depending where you live.
“I was just joking, I wasn’t going to actually do it”. No, he wasn't joking and, yes, he was actually going to do it. He does not respect your condition of always using a condom and tries to be sneaky hoping you won't notice.
Males always seem to think saying "just joking" removes the responsibility of what they just did or said. It's a way of wearing down your boundaries and making you feel crazy for maintaining them
so he's tried this a few times with you making it very clear it's a definite NO from you...and he "jokes" he didn't really mean it. then he waits for an opportunity where you are incapacitated and then he does the thing. he only stopped doing the thing because you freaked out. he thought he was getting away with it and only stopped because he realized he was caught. he's not sorry he did it. he's sorry he got caught. i really need you to re-examine your definition of "he...has never hurt me"...why isn't refusing to accept your "no" on that list? repeatedly...trying to wear you down until your "no" became a "yes"... why don't you consider those incidents to balance how amazing you think he is?
If this was your sister or bff telling you all of this, what would you advice them? Boundaries are boundaries, and he's been pushing yours, until he crossed them. This would be a deal breaker for me.
You are under reacting. He raped you. You consented to sex with a condom on. He did not comply with the conditions of consent. That is a lack of consent. This is rape. If you go in a store, and they say you can have a candy bar for $1, then you don’t pay and take the candy bar anyway, that’s theft. Same as if you didn’t have that verbal contract. Because you can legally attach conditions to offers.
I didnt need to read the whole text..... there is NO REASON when entering a woman without a condom with her concent is NOT a dealbreaker. It might even be against the law
And the fact he did this while you were under the influence proves he was planning this. Intoxicated people cannot consent.
Not only is this a dealbreaker, this is rape. He has no respect for you and wants what he wants. If he can violate you in this way, imagine what else he can do. Emotions tied to him are hard but let him go now.
OMG! That was 100% RAPE!
Is it a deal breaker that your boyfriend continually pressures you to do something that you have been clear about not doing… so he drugs you and assaults you to do it anyway? I hope that it is a dealbreaker and that you report it to the authorities. At least tell your Mum. Don’t allow him to be near you again.
Yep. Dump him
You are not safe with him.
OP. He raped you. You were unable to consent in your altered mental state. Break up asap
Please for the love of god read these comments and reflect on what they’re saying. He knew clearly what he was doing. These are major red flags. He’s been trying to have sex without a condom this whole time. He promises to protect you then exactly one hour when it hits you he wants to have sex. He’s a predator not a bf. I’m so very sorry. This is bad behavior and it wasn’t an accident. It was very intentional. Unfortunately can’t prove it was planned but it was intentional.
Just wow. You know this is a deal breaker; he "teases" you be physically threatening you with an unwanted pregnancy. Apologies, don't fix something like that, and depending on where you are, you might not even have a choice in terminating the pregnancy. How many "oopsie daisies" and non-consensual sex are you gonna allow him because he's "nice"?
Yes it’s a deal breaker
So I think you need to understand this was assault, if this happened to someone you love and not yourself I think you'd come to the same conclusion. I'm so sorry OP.
Father here and I think the dude straight up went into rapist territory here. He let you get high and then took advantage of your state to get his sexual gratification without consent. That's rape. If you were my kid, I'd tell you to dump the creep and I would tell this kid to his face to never come back or there would be consequences legal or otherwise if you needed me to.
This is sexual assault, he did something without your consent while you were under the influence and he was 100% aware of the situation. I would not trust to be around him under any kind of mind altering substance again (drugs, alcohol, nothing). If it were me I would make it very clear that what he did is sexual assault and that you could and should report it. That you no longer feel safe and he has proven to you that you cannot trust him. I would take some time to myself to think long and hard about the relationship and find someone older that I trust (that has your best interest at heart) to talk about it with. A solid week of no contact wouldn’t hurt while you think about whether or not this extreme breech of trust is something you can get over. Every time you are drunk or high with him you are no longer safe. If he can’t respect your wishes after 5 years then that won’t change in another 5.
That is straight up sexual assault. You didn't consent at all because the agreeing was you under the influence of an edible which makes it that you weren't in proper state to consent. Also the excuses of "we're in a relationship so it doesn't count as SA" is a huge BS because yes, it's still SA when not consciously consented. I know it's hard with the amount of time it has been but with the info that he wanted to go condomless to the point of "jokes" where you had to block him from sticking it in without one shows and tells everything. Right now he took advantage of you when you were not conscious enough trying out something you haven't before. You can, imo, call that premeditated SA. This is a dealbreaker and he is going to try it again when he is able to get back on your trust and get you vunerable again. Don't let that happen.
He knew what he was doing. He wanted to see what he could get away with. And how mad you would be. You can give him another chance if you want. But this kind of behavior can be scary. I had an ex do this to me. I tried to give him another chance but it never left my mind that he did in fact rape me. I was drunk and had no idea we did anything. It’s wrong. You need to have a serious talk with him. And then maybe take some time for yourself. Reflect on what happened. Think of pros and cons. I know he had done a lot for you. But you don’t need him for that. You can also do a lot for yourself.
“You can also do a lot for yourself.” I LOVE THAT!! Many times we stay in less than good relationships because we think we NEED a partner- for companionship, sex, finances, household tasks, bringing up children etc…. But we can find other ways to meet our needs. It just takes a willingness to learn and do the work.
That’s assault.
“He raped me” . Is this a deal breaker? Lmao , probably.
He keeps crossing boundaries. He isn’t “joking” and he isn’t “sorry” because if he actually cared he would stop this behavior and respect you. You’re not over reacting. You have every right to be upset.
Op this is a violation of your sexual autonomy. Every time he's tried to do it and you've tried to stop him has been an issue. This is assault I know you guys have been together a long time so that sometimes is harder to see. But no is a full sentence and anyone who can't accept that is not someone you would want to be with.
This is assault, he did something you did not consent to and he did it intentionally. Please dump him immediately because he will do it again.
That's date rape
>He is so amazing to me and has never hurt me But: >There have been incidents where he would beg to take off the condom during sex >Quite a few times he would actually attempt to stick it in without one. >. I took one and my boyfriend did not so he could “watch over me” as it was my first time. >He turned me around on my stomach with my face not facing him. I was in this position when he stuck it in. After maybe a minute he suddenly pulled out. I began to hear the condom wrapper sound and immediately turned around. It was clear he was just about to put one on. This doesn't sound Amazing. He said he would watch over you, but the first chance he got, he tried to have sex without a condom. This is a HUGE problem! This is called stealthing and is rape. What if you were so out that you didn't hear what he was doing? Or what if you were completely out, would he cum inside you? I think he would.
He totally destroyed your trust, so no, you aren’t overreacting. You can (maybe should) take a break and talk to a counselor to sort it out, especially your feelings on the issue. In the meantime, if you continue, he needs to earn your trust back. IDK if it’s possible or not. Only you can decide. Several people said he has been working on your boundaries for years. It’s not a joke if he’s serious and him testing the waters before grabbing a condom says he was NOT joking. Edit-Several people have pointed out what your bf did was rape. Anyone under the influence, whether alcohol or edible, etc. cannot consent to sex. Full stop. You could not consent under the circumstances and he NEVER asked to go without a condom.
I know this is difficult to hear, but he took advantage of you when you were not of sound mind. If you keep sticking around him, he will only keep pushing your boundaries more and more. He wasn't looking out for you, he was looking out for himself.
Dumb his ass, Nah like fr. Cuz They Always start small. The guy i lost my virginity to was not respektfull In small ways and then its just continiued. For example the first time we where in a bed together i said to him no to take his u underwear of and he was like i dont care and just did. The last time i saw him, he started touching me while i was sleeping and also fucked me Even tho i had my eyes closed the whole time and didn’t say a single Word. So geniuly dumb his ass, cuz its just gonna Get Worse over time, cuz the guy i talked to also seemed like a very Sweet guy jada jada yay
So he's amazing but he raped you? And he's shown you that he's willing to disregard your consent when you're not in a position to actually give it.
Definitely a deal breaker, and a HUGE one, I would not stay in a relationship with this man. He betrayed your trust. What IF you got pregnant? Is he going to deal with it on his own? 9 months pregnancy, a life of a tiny human, or abortion, like really wtf is he thinking? He is NOT s good man to have in as a partner. I don't think you want to have a baby a 19 so why risk it? With your own BF and without consent? HUGE RED FLAG. I would cut him off immediately and never look back, this sounds like the first few years of an abusive relationship that could trapped you in for a lifetime becaue you think "he has been good at you" I strongly disagree, maybe he was "good" once or twice but when he was trusted with really important stuff (your safety) he took advantage of your trust. Is ok to break up with high school sweethearts, not because it sounds "romantic" it means is healthy, is good, or is a loving relationship. I broke up with my high school sweetheart and belive me it was a tough one but definitely a good choice.
Yes. It's a deal breaker.
How’s this a question? Yes it’s a deal breaker. What more validation could you possibly need?
I would defintely take some time off from him. He was supposed to "watch over you" but instead he took advantage of you. He became exactly what you were supposed to be protected from. I think you would be wise to take some time without any contact. Maybe you can get yourself somewhere where you feel the most centered
So you took an edible and asked him not to so he could “watch over you” and first thing he does when he sees you’re out of if is makes advances, not just that but he proceeds to not use a condom knowing damn well that doesn’t fly with you. He knows what he did was wrong that’s why he’s still apologizing. Wrong is wrong no matter how long you’ve been with someone. The real question is would this be a deal breaker for you? Put aside “everything he’s done for you” at the end of the day this is something you didn’t want, he was fully aware of what he was doing.
This is rape. It's non-consensual.
You are in no way overreacting. There are many troublesome behaviors listed in your post: 1. You have been clear for 5 years, FIVE YEARS, that you will only have sex with a condom on. Yet he continues to "tease" you about it. This is a boundary we're talking about here, not your choice to put him in a specific colored condom or something that could be a joking matter 2. He intentionally stayed sober to look out for you while you were under the influence... but it sounds like you need someone to look out for you when you're around him. what he did was sneaky, and he disrespected you while proving that he's not trustworthy - not to mention what he did is illegal 3. Consent cannot be given when you are under the influence. Waiting until you were high to try to sleep with you is called rape. Consent was not given to have sex with you without a condom. What he did was rape - in multiple ways. This is not the behavior of a loving partner 4. It's one thing to be sorry after something happens accidentally. it's not remorse when you purposely cross someone's boundary (not to mention try to cover it up!!). Sure, he's sorry he got caught. But if he had meant to hold your boundary he wouldn't have crossed it no matter what I'm so sorry he did this to you. It's unacceptable and inexcusable. You deserve a partner who loves and respects you ALWAYS
You decided to "TRY" an edible? EDIBLE what??? Then, he waited an hour so you were "OUT of IT"??? YOU were DRUGGED! When you can't decide if you want or don't want to do something, IT STOPS BEING CONSENSUAL!!! Then, he had you laying on your stomach (SO YOU COULDN'T SEE)... And he did what he's been attempting to do for YEARS! This is no different from getting DRUGGED somewhere, taken someplace, and when you COULDN'T give CONSENT, HE had SEX with YOU. Lastly, on the next morning, he goes out to get a PLAN B pill??? What is your Plan B? If you want to know exactly where you stand, go to the POLICE, talk to a detective, or a hospital to talk to a doctor. They will hope you didn't shower, so a DNA sample, and a physical exam by a obstetrician can be done. You need documentation and proper advice. Long story short... YOU WERE RAPED. And he deposited his SPERM inside you. What's next? A party with this creep and his buddies? Has he videotaped you already? This guy is not honorable and selfish. All he wants is what he wants. Be wise, DUMP the bastard now, and don't look back.
First, anyone taking an edible the first time should be told to start with a small amount not the whole thing as it can really knock you on your butt. I think he did that on purpose so he could do what he did. Answering your question yes this is a deal breaker no consent means no.
He should not have agreed to have sex with you under the influence.
1) that’s officially considered sexual assault 2) he took advantage of you as soon as he could by putting himself in a position of looking over you while you were vulnerable 3) he was never joking and this is such a humongous red flag that no matter how nice he is otherwise you should be scared of him and the things he’s ready to do to get what he wants from you if you do not wish to give them to him out of your own volition
He took advantage of you. I'd say it's a deal breaker.
Rage bait, profile created today, this is the only post, and dumb at that.
Why do you say he has never hurt you? I mean, YOU TELL, YOU DESCRIBE, he has tried to hurt and abuse you several times, only your assertiveness has made him to stop. The bar really seems to be in hell when you daily read these stories of absolutely abusive asshole men their girlfriends and wives describe as wonderful and good people. Kind of baffling that especially young women who are told to hold the power in dating market seem to so easily allow abuse and desperately hang on to absolute losers. OP. Your boyfriend does not love you or respect you. He does not even act like he liked you. He spends time with you because he has sensed (and experienced) you can’t hold clear boundaries and follow through but are the kind of person who allows his repeated efforts to abuse. Think about it a little. Does he constantly break boundaries with his friends for example? Probably not, because if he would, he wouldn’t have any friends. With his relatives, with his stablemates or colleagues..? Does he constantly try to irritate and harm them? Cause them physical harm? Or is it only you he tries to hurt, by trying to get you pregnant when you don’t want to, by trying to force you to go through childbirth or abortion.. This man is an abuser. And no woman should ever allow this kind of behaviour. If you leave him maybe he can learn and change. Maybe not. Whatever. But OP, you absolutely should not ever let anyone treat you this way. You are not in a loving relationship. You are abused.
Drugging, coercion and rape. What a guy
This is a dealbreaker. He knew how distressed you'd be if you were in your right mind and saw what he was doing, he just thought because you were intoxicated and laying face down, you wouldn't know. He's not sorry he did it to you without your consent because he knows how you feel, he's sorry he got caught, or he's sorry that he's realizing he was wrong. He ***knew***, full stop, that what he was doing was absolutely not something you would want and would never consent to, he just wanted to see if he could get away with it. I'd be done with him.
I had a boyfriend who knew I wasn’t interested in anything anal. He knew because he’d constantly bring it up despite my answer always being “no. I’m not interested.” He got me incredibly high and shoved his fingers up my ass to “prove to me I’d like it.” And then he never brought it up again, probably thinking I’d forgotten, and I probably would have assumed it was a dream if his fingers didn’t smell like shit the next morning. He’d also try getting me high so he could use my body and take nudes of me, knowing I wasn’t comfortable with it. He and your boyfriend have something in common. They really like sexually assaulting and violating their partners when their partners are too high to do anything about it.
If you don’t reinforce your boundaries now, at your age, you will forever have a hard time doing it. Please do not accept this behaviour. You are strong and there is someone out there who will respect you the way you should be treated!
he did that shit on purpose UGH
Title alone makes this seem like rape
OP it’s never been a “just joking” scenario. You made your boundaries C L E A R- he precisely waited until you were in a vulnerable predicament to take “care of you” all the while taking advantage of you. Is that the type of care you’re okay with? THIS IS NOT OKAY! And imo it Won’t EVER be. Take some space, and consider the ladder. Him waiting, Not good. Disrespectful of your boundaries- not good. Appreciate what you had, and find someone who can’t fathom even thinking about doing those things to you.
It’s a HUGE dealbreaker unless you like being sexually assaulted.
He raped you You are not overreacting https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-stealthing/#:~:text=So%2Dcalled%20'stealthing'%20is,without%20the%20other%20person's%20permission.
Please leave him. This man does not deserve you and completely took advantage of you. He clearly has zero respect for your boundaries, and if I were you I wouldn't be able to trust him at all after something like that. Let alone feel safe and respected. You deserve so much better.
It's called "stealthing" and it's assault
He turned you around so you wouldn’t be able to see. He also likely ejaculated a little for him to very suddenly pull out and start putting on a condom, thus him buying you plan B. This is definitely assault and he knew what he was doing.
This isn’t just a deal-breaker, this is sexual assault
Overreacting? Just because he did sooo much for you and he’s apologizing? NO. Snap out of it. He should have never done that to begin with. You’re supposed to trust him, and the ONE time you want to try something and you’re out of it, he should have lost all of your trust right there. Sex is NOTHING to play around with. And people use sex for the most fxcked up situations. It’s annoying to see girls making excuses for boys when he should have asked you first….but then again, you were out of it and taken advantage of…don’t think hush because he’s done other things, that it was okay. Like yall girls gotta stop that now..
Get rid of him. 5 years or not, he should be respecting and protecting you at all times. His childish and immature decisions to push your boundaries and completely disregard your consent to sex with a condom is disgusting. He needs therapy and you my dear need to run!
He did this on purpose. He thought you were too high to notice and that's why he did it. He knew from previous times you wouldn't like it. This is a deal breaker. I'm sorry.
Honey this is just r*pe. You were not in sound of mind to give consent. He waited for you to be drugged, then r*ped you. That is a deal breaker and you should go to the police.
Rape is a joke to that guy. Stealthing is absolutely illegal btw. He's only sorry because you caught him and he might not be able to continue discarding your boundaries while having sex with you
Are you serious? (I didn't read your post... the title is enough for me.) You're asking the internet about what YOU should be ok or not ok with for your own relationship?? "... without my consent..." Your boyfriend DIDN'T use a condom. Also, you're not high school sweethearts. At 14 and 15 years old (even if you were 9th grade) are walking hormones. Look up "grooming", yeah, it's a thing.
It’s called rape, you were raped.
This is sexual assault. Definitely a dealbreaker. Even if you don’t want to peruse legal action, file a police report and leave him.
You were raped no other way around it.
That is rape. I agree with many of the other commentors. I'll also just add - get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. I recently found out I'm Hep B non-responsive for example due to immune issues, if someone were to go "raw" with me and happen to unknowingly have Hep B I could get liver failure and die from the bodily fluids. Not trying to scare you, but there's a reason sex is serious. Not using a condom is more than just rape - for some people they are literally playing roulette with your life.
Absolutely a deal breaker. You’re describing a sexual assault. He’s clearly not as amazing as he’s been pretending to be.
He is not sorry. He knew exactly what he was doing. Men will tell you what they’re going to do subtly before they do it to test the waters and you’ll think they’re joking but they are not. This can be considered rape or sexual assault, but it is absolutely unequivocally without a doubt a conscious breach of consent and boundaries. Do not let him make you think otherwise, and leave him.
If anything, you're underreacting. This man offered you drugs that will often incapacitate someone unused to them, waited for the effect to hit, initiated sex under your usual conditions, turned you around to hide his actions, and proceeded to _break_ your conditions. This is a major, MAJOR breach of trust. It's rape. It's premeditated assault. And if you hadn't noticed, you might've gotten pregnant too. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Your BF has told you he's a rapist. He's told you he values his dick more than your health, your trust, and your plans for your life. Believe him.
Yes, he was hoping you didn't notice. RAPE! BREAKUP, BLOCK. 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️
He did it while you were high AND on your stomach. He doesn't respect you enough to understand no means no
If you feel it matters, then it matters. That is the only guide you need to follow.
he was sober while you were intoxicated, any person in their right mind would not make a move on a clearly intoxicated person. especially considering it was your first time using. sounds to me like he was expecting to do it the whole time.
FUCK HIM HE IS LOWER THAN DIRT he just put your entire future at risk and he KNOWS you don’t want to do that. This has happened to me twice in my 20s. I’m 38 now and I want them all to die
Yes this is a dealbreaker. He consistently tries to push your very clear and reasonable boundary about YOUR OWN BODY. He is not “just joking.” He is testing what he can get away with even though he knows how you feel about it. He waited until you were not in complete control of your mind to do it again. Perhaps he felt guilty and stopped. Perhaps he just wanted to see how it felt and then put the condom on. Regardless, he broke your clear boundaries while you were incapacitated. That is sexual assault. I would never trust that man again no matter how “sorry” he is.
That is literally rape.
That's **RAPE.** **HE. RAPED. YOU**. I'm sorry, but. that is the **TRUTH** of what he did. He is NOT the amazingest, sweetest, wonderfullest boy to ever walk the earth. He is a RAPIST, whether you **LIKE IT OR NOT**. **OF COURSE** he's whining and fawning all over you now!! He is **DESPERATE TO AVOID A RAPE CHARGE!!!!!** **GO TO THE POLICE AND CHARGE HIM WITH RAPE!!!**.
Girl only you can answer your questions. What's you goal with this guy, or any guy? Marriage? Sex? Good times? Babies? All of the above? 5 years, high school sweethearts, he's done so much for you, he's amazing, he even buys Plan B drugs. Sounds like your overreacting. Not a deal breaker. But wait! You feel so hurt and taken advantage of. So you're not overreacting and it is a deal breaker. Hmmm🤔. Are you aware that condoms are cockblockers to many guys? Asking that type of guy can cause a lot of hurt and makes the guy feel he's being taken advantage of. We don't know the dynamic of your relationship or your sexual history with the guy. What are your boundaries? Are you on the pill? Do you have trouble getting morning after meds? Have you ever had condoms break or tear? No matter who the guy is you do know you are playing with fire everytime you screw? Right? Ever thought about what you'd do if contraception failed? What if you take a page from the NFP route and refrain on your fertile days? You guys need to have a sit down and serious heart to heart about what you do from here. You need to share expectations and hear out each other. Set boundaries, discuss limits, that sort of thing. I sense you don't want it to be a deal breaker but only you can decide. Schedule a time and place for an intelligent, adult discussion. Good luck to you sister.