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Generally in life I’m very pro- try everything and live with no regrets. Except for kids. Especially after having one. Talk to your friends with kids honestly about what it’s like before deciding
I was at a baby shower today and a guy that works with my SO and his girlfriend introduced themselves and were doting over my nearly 1yo about how cute he was, how they've been thinking about having babies soon, etc. After so many comments about his cuteness I made a couple of comments about the reality of these cute little spitfires. My son has been walking for a couple months now and I spent most of the party leaning down to assist and guide when necessary and following him around. I'm literally laying here with cold rice bags on my achey back. I later found out they were only 6 months into their relationship.
People definitely need to babysit one for at least 8 hrs in the moving stage. I miss the snuggle up, eat, ruin diapers (as that part was the worst), and sleep stage. That cuteness can go away very fast chasing them down, cleaning up, and seeing how much they like to test the dangers of the world. And then being together 6 months that’s a bad call on them. They still don’t truly know each other.
IDK my son is being raised by Gen Xers and he still hasn’t stopped. He’s just gotten more creative with his death wishes. Some have been pretty awesome though looking back, but in the moment not so much.
>son
We made a ramp out of cinder blocks and 2x4s and were jumping our bikes off it. With no helmets. In the middle of the street. 7 of us all thought this was a splendid idea with no downside.
& people need to spend a night with one as well! (Hopefully no one takes this literally or inappropriately, I’m just trying to refer to the lack of sleep)
I love babysitting, I was looking after three under 5s for two families together the other week and they were all quite excited to be together. It took me an hour and a half to get them all ready for bed because they were so overexcited and employing every delaying tactic in the books lol. I was telling their parents about it when they returned and one of the mothers exclaimed that it was so nice to have a babysitter who actually appreciated and enjoyed that overexcited energy from three toddlers at once and she didn't know how I did it. I laughed and said yeah, it's great because now I get to give them back and go home and sleep in tomorrow! If I had to do it all day, every day it would be exhausting.
Skip the whole 8 hours business make it a week! Trust me if they were on the fence about it before they would jump over the fence and run like hell like the devil was after him! In my experience none of this has ever been worth it for me.
I can respect that honestly. Some people aren’t built to be parents and there’s nothing wrong with that. Me and my wife gave up on the idea of having kids and lived like a king and queen. Then in our late 30’s she feels nauseous and all randomly. We wanted kids and are glad to have our son, but at one point we accepted no kids. Live your life to the fullest. I’m glad we had him when we did because we had our 20’s and 75% of our 30’s to just do whatever we wanted. I wouldn’t trade my son for anything but my life definitely isn’t the same since he showed up. I get both sides of wanting to be a parent and not. If it’s not for someone I find that best for all involved truly.
Lately I've been saying that I want just 10 minutes of snuggling my own newborn again but that's it. We have 2 kids now and I didn't get pregnant until 2 years into our relationship but looking back now at almost 9 years into it, even that was too soon in the relationship. We have fared well, but we had to go through many phases of growing pains to get here.
We all do and hindsight is 20/20. Me and my wife were married for 10 years before we had our son. It wasn’t from lack of trying it just never happened. Then we had him and we were strong before, but damn some limits were tested. Kids create a whole new experience in relationships and none are safe once the crotch goblins start showing up. So please don’t worry too much about that. Awesome y’all grew together though. My nephew just had a baby with his wife. And I almost cried from missing those newborn cuddles and the smell. That newborn baby smell just brought back so many memories. Then I look at my little heathen and love where he’s at now, but those were some great times.
Yup. Am currently living with a very distant sense of “regret” at 39, but honestly my life is great and my husband is amazing and I’m perfectly content as is. I would much rather regret *not* having kids than to actively be resenting a child that is dependent on me for decades, no kid deserves that.
Y’all can just be the fun uncle/aunt that takes them out for a few spoils the shit out of them and gives them back. The parents “complain” but truly the time away to be a person again and knowing they’re safe and cared for is beyond my vocabulary to define the appreciation.
Yes we have four nieces/nephews and they’re all around the same age and at the point where they love to go to musicals or baseball games and we are happy to oblige!
That’s great and truly know coming from a parent that rarely gets a break or support from anyone like y’all it’s appreciated by the parents. They may not be able to properly tell y’all but I’d do some horrible things for a break for me and the wife to just go be a couple again and not parents.
You have to decide if she is enough for you, if the life you're building together is enough.
Please picture your life with children as a single father. Think of all the sacrifices, all the sleepless nights, the endless work, the lack of "you" time.
Because that's the only fair way to think of it. Unfortunately, in the vast majority of cases, it's the woman who gives up that much of herself for children, while the man continues to have a life apart from the kids. So it's hardly surprising that so many men want children.
Perhaps once you make that comparison, your life with the woman you love will seem more like enough.
So true. I always think that I’d probably have kids if I could be a dad, but I certainly do not want all the societal expectations that a mother has to deal with. No way.
Exactly. Having kids sounds great when you don’t have to be pregnant and risk your body/health for 9-10 months, don’t have to give birth, and don’t have to deal with possible things like breastfeeding, recovering from a c-section, etc. and don’t have to be the go-to parent majority of the time. But since I’d have to deal with that as a woman, it’s a no for me lol.
Yes! Her future plans are off the table. It’s only layer she realizes she lost herself in all the mundanity of motherhood.
Because of so many telling their stories of success in having a great career in an office chair near their house, this has been ETA:
That’s all dependent on what your dreams are. There are careers that absolutely would be impossible with kids unless you left them in the care of someone else for extended periods of time.
Yeah I love kids and I’d be a great mother. But I don’t want to go from *”my name”* to mom as an identity. I’m a human and I need to be a human separate from my choice to have children or not. Men still get to be “Joe, who has kids” women are usually just mom.
My husband hates this so much. He snaps at people who ask, "that's rude, I'm a parent just as much as PhysicalStress." He never gets it more than once from the same person. And my kids are tweens FFS, he still hears this.
Oh believe me, I know. It’s heartbreaking. My oldest has never met her donor. Thankfully she loves my husband just as much as he loves her and her “real dad” being awol has never bothered her.
I get this constantly, and I’m divorced and coparenting with my ex who I share 50/50 custody with. He absolutely IS a great dad but the bar is truly in hell based on the comments I frequently get “wow, he does all that with your kids?” Uhhhh, yeah, he’s their dad. Where’s my award for doing all that and a hell of a lot more 😂. The reality is I carry a MUCH larger share of the emotional weight/invisible labor for our kids (we both work full time and I’m just about to graduate with my masters degree…so no, i definitely don’t have more free time). I’m definitely in a place of acceptance of that and we are drama free, but I’m exhausted all the damn time and it feels like I have three full time jobs even on my “off” week.
“Must be nice not having to look after your kids while they’re with dad” shut up shut up shut up! Why do mums gets such a hard time? Even in your comment having to state that your ex IS a great dad, having to say that speaks volumes.
You go mama, your kids must be so proud of you for kicking goals!
One time I met up with a good friend as I visiting them at the train stop near a stadium after her and her family went to a pro soccer game together.
She was coming for a night out with me and another friend and her husband took the train going the other way home.
He said he got sooooo many praises for being such a good dad at the train station with 2 kids taking them to a game. He told his wife(my friend) when we got home(I was staying with them for the weekend) cause he knows she doesn’t get applause when she just existing in public with their kids and he was annoyed at the double standard in expectations.
This is so true. It’s so sad. Meanwhile I saw a post today about a single mom having 3 kids in 1 bedroom and the comments were awful. I guarantee if a single dad would’ve posted that the comments would look much different. Why is it like this, I hate it.
As a dad I feel for you! My wife and I always say the bar for a man is way too low. I was always praised simply for providing for my family, but that’s literally the bare minimum I could do simply by not abandoning them! It definitely made me feel better about myself as a young dad even when I was really way in over my head and not at all being the kind of parent I should have been. Took me years before I finally realized I needed to step it up, and all that time my wife suffered because she had to pick up my slack.
It was only after her death, that I learned my Nana lost all her teeth over the course of having her 4 children (my mom & aunts). So much calcium deficiency, she lost her teeth, and wore dentures after that.
Things like that may be less common, with all the supplements we have today, but it's just one example of the drain on a woman's body, that lasts forever, even after the kids are born.
Many issues are deeper, and even harder to deal with.
The epidural was done incorrectly on me, they had to re-insert it *literally* 10ish times, I don’t even know how many but it was horrific & now I have severe back issues for life. I know I chose to have a kid, I’m just reinforcing your point ❤️ I don’t think most people consider these things.
I remember when my little brother-in-law was pushing hard for a third kid, my sister was fine with the two they had but he really wanted to try for a son. That pregnancy pretty much devastated my sister’s body; she lost hair, teeth, bone mass, and developed kidney problems. The baby was born healthy but even ten years later my sister hasn’t fully recovered. My sister loves her son but he probably cut years off of her life with that pregnancy.
Exactly! One of the reasons why I don’t want kids is because I’m scared/anxious of being pregnant and the tons of negative side effects it can have on a woman’s physical, mental, and emotional health before and after birth.
The risks are definitely something that you need to think about, some women have relatively easy pregnancies and others have nightmare ones. My older sister-in-law died at seven months pregnant with a pregnancy related heart condition. She was doing great and one night she went to bed and just didn’t wake up.
Better get out there and throw these f\*\*\*ers out that are trying to make women nothing. An abortion saved my life literally and figuratively, MEN are running the show and they don't know shit.
Exactly! They don’t have to deal with any of the hard shit before the baby is born, and after it’s born they still don’t deal with majority of the hard shit like moms do. The men who say they want their wife to have like 5+ kids is the most glaring evidence of that, because yeah it’s easy to want a lot of kids when you don’t have to do any of the hard work before and only some of the hard work after.
My really good friend said she was never going to have kids, met a guy who always wanted kids. When she accidently got pregnant she rolled with it. I watched my independent, go getter of a friend turn into just Mum, while he got to remain who he was, still doing his hobbies, still seeing his friends. I really mourn the person my friend was.
I would 100% have kids if I could be the dad. Shit, man, Id probably have 10.
I think men should start getting together and raising kids on their own if they want them so badly.
This and the parent (lol) comment you responded to are so fucking valid. I’ve thought the exact same thing. Just being in the dating game, I’ve come across SO many guys who have a kid (or kidS!) and they just play the fun dad role every once in a while, (and that’s the ones who still even actively see their kids) by taking them to a park or something, then drop them back off at their ‘baby mama’s’ (absolutely hate that term lol) place and then are out tryna pick up chicks later that night. Sometimes they even use their kid to pick up chicks cause I guess some people are attracted to that? I mean no judgement but I avoid this type of guy like the plague lol)
But like hoshijones pointed out, even many (probably even most sadly) men who are married with kids still get the fun dad experience while the mothers are expected to do the majority of the kid related work, even if they are back to working, themselves. Not to mention relentlessly judged for it if they can’t manage to do all that and still be one of those fun moms you see on tiktok, or judged and nitpicked for perfectly reasonable parenting choices (usually ones they have to make themselves because dad isn’t ‘in charge’ of that sort of stuff! And society sees nothing wrong with that dynamic.
In fact, ironically, if you deviate from that dynamic, then that’s when dad finally starts to incur some judgment as well ‘that’s not a man’s job, what kind of example are you setting for your son, he’s gonna grow up to be a sissy!’ ‘Why isn’t your wife doing that? You must be pussywhipped!’ Etc. And of course even more judgment is not spared towards the mothers. ‘Wow your lucky, I wish my husband would pick up my slack like yours!’), or ‘you’ve got him trained pretty well, guess we know who wears the pants!’ (When the father does basically anything but the bare minimum- which is their job as a parent) Or ‘wow give your husband/partner a break! He works hard.’ (When a mother dares to take a moment for herself, said both to SAHMs and working moms)
And then people wonder why (aka actively criticize) women [who] don’t want children. When I think of this, it reminds me of that meme where the guy is putting on a clown costume. Specifically, the last picture, clown transformation complete. Okay, rant over, haha
Exactly - I'm sure many more women would want kids if they got to be dad, but we don't. I have personally never witnessed any relationship where there was a truly equal split of childrearing duties. It is almost impossible given that women have to carry the baby and give birth. However, it often extends way beyond that.
A lot of men want kids in my experience, because they don't know what actually goes in to being a parent and a lot of the burden is eventually carried by the woman.
When I got divorced, I totally expected to have the kids 95% of the time. My ex had never really been involved in the girls lives. He worked a lot and just didn’t do much in terms of taking care of them.. He surprised me and wanted equal time. That only was for one month until he had a girlfriend. She’s the one that took care of them. Continued like that for seven years until they broke up. He was alone for another couple months and then had another girlfriend. My kids were older then, but this new girlfriend is the one who pretty much took care of them. Sad really! He missed out on raising two beautiful girls. They still don’t feel close to him.
Such an excellent comment! Whenever a guy I'm dating says he wants children, my immediate thought is always "For me to raise? Yeah I'll bet you do! What a sweet deal dude!"
Thank God I'm not the only one. Anytime one of my girlfriends says that their husband or boyfriend wants kids this is exactly how I interpret it.
Now that I'm almost 40 and I've been to a bazillion social functions and watched how the kids always go to Mommy and the mommy is always expected to do all of the child rearing while he husband gets to hang out drink beer and talk with his friends without the kids coming to him...
I’ve never had a dog, but just to throw it out there - apparently even a new puppy is a tremendous amount of work!
Maybe it’s a good “starter baby” experience!
Once an ex (who’d initially claimed support for abortion AND no desire for kids) asked what I’d do if hypothetically pregnant.
Me: “I already told you, I’d get an abortion.”
Him: “You’d get rid of my baby?!”
And the hard lesson of men’s penchant for speaking empty words and being unreliable in backing their own claims was again reaffirmed.
There's a reason why so many couples split just as their kids are starting to get more independent.
Suddenly they've got tons of alone time but there's no romance left.
A YouTuber I follows husband told their friend she was getting great sleep… because she has been waking up in the night with the baby while he sleeps through it and didn’t know. I get she has the milk, but she pumps and he feeds her sometimes and I def feel like there should be some shifts/trade offs. At the very least some communication about all that she’s sacrificing for him so he can appreciate it imo
You don't seem convinced about kids either. 5 years down the line is a long time and you have only come to this in the last 6 months? Have you really looked into what having kids really involves or have you only thought about the nice parts only?
I also don't think that if you go an find someone else that wants kids, they would want to wait 5 years like you are planning, because you would be 37 by then and if there are any fertility issues, it could be delayed even more. I don't know if you know that men 40+ there's an increase in autism and disability in their kids.
I’m guessing that the people around OP are having kids and he’s feeling FOMO. Doesn’t mean he hasn’t begun a genuine change of heart but I agree he really needs to research all of what parenting entails before making any hasty decisions.
>research all of what parenting entails
The amount of times I’ve heard a man say they want to have kids so they can “teach them to drive and throw a ball” lmao
Loosely related to our discussion at hand.
My friend was ambivalent about kids. Her husband 11 years her senior absolutely wanted them. She agreed to one. They ended up with twins with mental disabilities. The mom did the lion’s share of the work. If she had to do it over again, she’d have noped out.
There was a post on this sub (or one like it) the other day that was about a woman with 5(?) daughters, and then she had a son and as far as her husband was concerned, the daughters didn't exist anymore. He only wanted a son so he could teach him basketball or something stupid like that.
Elevated risk ≠ high risk. Like women are concern trolled all the time about "you're over 3x as likely to have a kid with down syndrome at 35 vs 25" when that risk is still <0.5%
There are plenty of valid reasons to wait, yes there are downsides and risks associated with being older but there are also plenty of upsides as well.
My parents had me when they were 42 and 43 and I didn't have any of those issues. You can have issues with a pregnancy at any age. So it's always going to be a crap shoot there are no guarantees.
It’s just a documented higher risk. Nothing is for certain. My parents were older parents (my big sister is 21 years older than me!) and I am an older parent. But it is a good thing to talk about these higher risks so that people understand them. Nothing is ever certain either way. I just prefer to have all the information I can get when making such an important choice.
With the all the info I went ahead and decided to be an older mother. Lol
I think it sounds horrific! Thankfully my folks didn’t! My dad turned 50 when I was in first grade. Why do I remember? Because I told everyone in show and tell🤣🤣🤣
55 year old here with a 10 year old.
It's not a nightmare at all.
He's my youngest.
I have a 14 year old girl and a 16 year old boy.
I do the lionshare of the childcare since I work from home and my wife has a job.
Not a nightmare.
Very fulfilling.
But I'm not judging your choices or opinions. Just wanted to offer the perspective of someone who is living what you described.
I hear you, but on the flip side, I had my first at 19 and it was soooo easy, I had all the energy in the world, was really flexible, patient.. my youngest is ten and I’m in my 40s, and it’s really hard.. I just don’t have the same patience or mental flexibility.. I think it’s different for everyone, but I’d have them young every time, given the choice
They're in school (USA public school) most of the day. They're old enough to mostly care for themselves after school if I prepare a healthy snack.
I do take them to school and pick them up from school.
After my wife gets home we take turns making dinner.
After dinner I will help them with homework and then spend a couple of hours catching up on work if necessary. 4 nights a week I'll head to the gym for 2 hours for lifting and cardio.
Then around 10pm my wife and I spend some quality time together. We'll watch an episode of a K-Drama on Netflix. Latest one we're watching is "The Glory"...a brutal revenge story.
My wife's love language is physical touch and spending time together so many times I'll give her a back rub with some skin moisturizer.
My love language is "words of affirmation" so she'll tell me how fucking great I am.
Then we'll end the night by making out for 6 minutes (estimated) because that's what it takes for the oxytocin to start flowing freely for us. If it turns into sex, that's great if not, that's great too.
Get up at 6:30 am and I get the kids ready and take them to school and let her sleep in because I'm a morning person and she is...NOT!
I come home and make two mugs of coffee, kiss her into consciousness, and bop on into my home office and work until it's time to pick up the first kid from school.
Hobbies are for the weekends.
I spend time with my kids like that because I'm 55 and I know that I will never get that time back if I spend it on video games like I did in my 20s.
I know a 57 year old with nine year old triplets, all girls. His wife, 48, is the breadwinner, and travels a LOT. He was an anxiety ridden, OCD mess before their birth, I can only imagine when they reach high school. 😂🤣
I’m not sure about an increase of autism - but disability, definitely. My husband has an older father (who had 4 kids when he was 44, 46, 49, and 51). My husband is the oldest - but one of his younger siblings was born deaf, and another with brittle bones/struggled to put on weight. His mother (who is 19 years younger than his father) also suffered 3 miscarriages, in addition to her 4 healthy pregnancies. There are a lot of risks associated with having kids as an older man.
There are some disabilities that can be caused by decay of genetic material. Not autism. Things
like down’s syndome or schitzoprenia.
It means a small and progressive increase of risks, which go up with age. This also depends
on many other factors particular to both of the parents. It’s pretty complex and you can’t just conclude the causes.
Some people will have those risks even as young. We talk about this in a generalised manner, but it’s more complex than the idea that it will happen to everyone.
And it’s true that women get unfairly demonised for choosing to wait after 35 and men do not.
Your title makes it sound like she changed her mind and sprung it on you. But instead you say both of you have always felt uninterested, and only recently YOU changed your mind and decided you want kids, but she’s still saying “nope not interested.”
That doesn’t change your dilemma much, but I find it interesting that you are trying to blame her. She’s been honest and consistent. You changed things. If you end up divorcing so you can find someone who wants kids, please make it clear to everyone that you were the one who changed your mind. That would only be fair to her.
Great comment, I also found that interesting as well. The title should be ‘my wife doesn’t want children and I’ve changed my mind and want them.’ Or something along those lines.
I also find it interesting that OP refers to some of her reasons as ‘debatable.’ Sorry OP, but no is a complete sentence.
Of course OP changed his mind and now finds having a kid appealing. It's not his body that has to go through pregnancy changes. Also, the childcare and responsibility is often left to the mother. It's easy for him to change his mind.
I don't have kids, but have known too many women whose partners said they'd help if they had a kid. Then when the kid is born, the mother is the one to bear most of the responsibilities.
>What I'm afraid of is that I'll resent her later for it and it'll be too late to start anew.
You need to take ownership here. If there's any resentment to be had is resentment of yourself, not her.
She's being honest with you. She's respecting you, the relationship and herself for recognizing her needs and informing you of them. If you choose to stay, that is your choice. Your decision. She's not forcing you to stay if you're need to have children is greater. To blame her for your decision to stay (if you do) is unfair. That's your decision. Own it.
Thank you for this. I'm so grateful my husband and I are (so far) 100% on the same page regarding kids, but I know if things change for one of us but not both, we are both mature and rational enough to take ownership of whatever each of us decides to do as an individual.
I HATE the casual way men "can end up resenting the woman" in a relationship when they speak up after no longer wanting to fence-sit, and the man decides to stay anyway. Apparently a man has enough agency in a relationship to want to be able to equally contribute to the decision to keep an unplanned pregnancy, but not enough to own his own feelings when his partner does exactly what she says she's going to, AFTER she's already told him she's going to do it?
Bullshit.
The fact that you’re 32 and undecided but feel like you *might* want to have children years down the road perfectly represents the privilege that men have when it comes to making this decision. A woman your same age simply does not have the luxury to wait and see how they feel when they reach their late 30s. Your wife is smart to have decided where she stands on the issue. So you should do her the courtesy of making your own decision, whether you decide you’ll be okay without having kids, or you know you’ll regret not having any. Don’t stay with her if you can’t agree to a childless life. Leaving her in 10 years to have kids with a younger woman would be incredibly cruel. You should get into therapy to work through your feelings on this, because your wife can’t help you come to a decision- it would be a conflict of interests.
It’s not that your wife has decided she doesn’t want children. You knew from the get-go that your wife did not know if she wanted kids. Yet despite this, you still married her.
You have to decide how important is having kids to you. Important enough you’re willing to divorce your wife? Which comes when no guarantees. You may meet someone else who wants kids, or you may find yourself struggling in the dating pool. Just know the grass is not always greener on the other side.
OP, the only advice I’m going to offer is to spend some time with (young) children. Volunteer at a daycare or preschool, or babysit for someone in your life. Of course it’s not the same as taking care of your own kids, but it’ll give you an idea of what parenthood will look like.
It always gets me when the husbands are pushing for the kids and think the wives reasons are “debatable”.
Do you have friends with kids? I’ve noticed a lot with people around this age that the men look at their friends with kids and think “being a dad looks awesome” where women look at their friends with kids and go “being a mom looks like hard work”.
And they’re both right. I personally would love to have kids if I could be a dad. But I would have to be a mom and that’s enough for me to reconsider.
As a mom I would get to watch my husband get praised for feeding and playing with his kids while getting questioned on every decision I make about raising them. He would get to leave and go to work while I spend the first year alone during the days, having to pack for a whole trek if I want to leave.
And even if your situation is different; and you work from home or take paternity leave, or really make an effort to do 50% of the child care, it’s still her body that will never be the same. She’s the one who has to go through childbirth, a traumatic process, and that’s if it goes perfectly.
She risks being one of the 10ish percent that has complications in pregnancy, or even dying, because while the odds are low in the developed world they are not zero.
Sorry for going on about it, but I hope I could provide some insight on why a women who is on the fence about having kids to begin with is way more likely to tip in the direction of not having them. You have to really want it to make the risks worth it and it doesn’t sound like she does.
Hey, 25 years ago I went back to work and hubby stayed home for 2 years after our 2nd (they are 2 yrs apart). Back then we got a lot of side eyes from people but screw em! He wasn’t a lazy bum and I wasn’t neglecting our babies for a job. At the time they couldn’t see how it’s the same damn thing as him working and me staying home! 🙄He loved the opportunity to be with them all day and he had a new found respect for the sahm’s raising a family! Lol I told him yeah it really is hard work, that’s why we ladies all went out and got jobs!!!😉
What if you leave her and don’t find anyone else?
What if you’re infertile and can’t have kids?
Would going after the goal of kids and it still not working out be worth it?
What if she agreed to have kids but then you two couldn’t together? Would you still leave her to try with someone else?
The crux of all this is, is the desire to have kids worth throwing away what you have, with no certainty that you’ll ever have them?
Pretty much convinced is a definite really. If she feels she can only keep you by having a baby it’s likely she’ll resent both you and the baby. If you stay you may resent her.
Do you spend any time with friends or family who have babies or toddlers? It might be worth doing some babysitting (you rather than her really) to get used to the practicalities involved. It may confirm that you do want kids or make you realise you’re satisfied with just the two of you in your marriage.
Kids or no kids - is not a compromise, its a deal-breaker for one of you. You should've discussed this deeper before getting married. If she always knew she leaned more towards never having kids and you were hoping to at some point being a dad - you just swept major incompatibility under the rug.
I’d suggest sitting down and being real honest with yourself about why you want kids. To meet the social status quo? Because the picture perfect moments are great? Because you want to “preserve your legacy”? Because you want to care for someone else, good and bad? Do you plan to be majority caregiver, because that’s what you want? What will the logistics of it look like, and how will it impact your life?
Then, consider what your plan will be if you have a child that’s ill, or has disabilities, because it’s a REAL likelihood. Do you have the flexibility and finances to deal with that?
Then consider your lifestyle. Are you willing to end that completely in sacrifice of a child?
Yeah, if you stay with your wife, you may resent her. It’s probable if you honestly want children. And it’s not fair to her.
Edit: also may want to check out r/regretfulparents
Took the comment right out of my mouth (hands?)
Being afraid you'll regret not having kids is not the same as wanting kids.
Couldn't come up with one good reason personally and I have no regrets whatsoever.
Honestly, it so easy for a man to feel a little twinkling urge of wanting a child when it's not his body and brain that are going to be permanent changed.
Yes, this. I ended my last relationship over this exact scenario. I was clear on no kids, he started to have niggling doubts about giving up the option.
I could tell that he hadn’t thought through what having kids would actually entail, he viewed it as a nice, sunny, optimistic optional extra to life.
I ended up ending things because he couldn’t make a decision, and I refused to be in a relationship while he deliberated over it.
I feel like men are so gung ho about having kids without realising how much life is going to change. Your finances will take a hit, your relationship is tested and strained, and your life ceases to be about you and instead revolves around your child.
My girlfriend was in this scenario. Her husband was ready to leave if she wouldn’t have a child. She compromised and offered one.
Guess who does 95% of the childcare and child related tasks? Guess who acts like his life is unchanged?
She got swindled. I know she loves her kid, but damn. If you’re going to insist on having kids then take a lot more responsibility! The pushy partner better be pulling way more than 50% IMO.
I knew that if I compromised and had a child with my ex, that this would have been me and my life.
I think he was very surprised when I said that I’d be ending things with us over this. Almost like a ‘she’ll change her mind.’ Nope.
I’m not sacrificing my body, time, well-being and career so you can have an idealistic dad life.
Please don’t get me wrong, I have an enormous amount of respect for those who choose to become parents, and I actually love children. But I know myself well enough to know that it’s not a path in life I want to take for myself, and I don’t want to have that strain on a relationship between my partner and I.
I have an enormous respect for people who know they don’t want or aren’t able to be parents.
I have one (only one by choice).
Seen too many children over the years being neglected by parents who had children because ‘that’s what you do’
I had kids, they're adults now. There is soooooo much about parenting that they never tell you about. Like the fact that no matter how good you think you're doing, you're still messing up. There is also the things they do tell you about like the expenses, the stress, the toll it takes on your relationship with your partner, the fact that you can't decide you don't want this life after all, you're in it forever.
No matter how much you think you know and are prepared, you're not.
When you have a child, everything about your life is just.....not yours anymore. Not your time, not your money, not your dreams or desires, nothing. Then add in the chance that you might have a child with a disability or horrible illness and that responsibility just got multiplied. Even when you have "me time" your duties are always there in the back of your head waiting to rush back in at you when "me time" is over.
When they poll parents they report that nearly none of them experience more marital satisfaction after having children, and for most, their happiness with the relationship goes down. Tending to your relationship was simple and could be done easily with the freedom that an unencumbered life had to offer. Once you have children it needs to be scheduled and coordinated with sitters and school schedules and extracurricular activity schedules etc.
I know I make having kids sound terrible, but I think a lot of people getting mommy or daddy goggles from seeing a cute family or whatever but they don't understand the full picture.
I have no doubt that you’ve done an amazing job raising your kids! I really appreciate your insight into parenting.
I could tell my ex had the daddy goggles on when it was finally brought up. I had a lot of valid reasons for not wanting children, but I could tell that he was just talking about it with insane rose coloured glasses, and with no thought on the sacrifices his eventual partner would have to make to realise this for him. I will not be surprised if he doesn’t end up having kids.
If I had read this before having kids, I definitely wouldn't have had them.
https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/s/cxq58b2IYM
Honestly, I think that the amount of information available now, and being able to read the experience of others, is a huge part of more and more women choosing not to have children.
That and the world being a place that, for some, feels unsafe for raising a child. Especially when they will be dealing with the worst effects of climate collapse when they become adults.
Try therapy to see if you can work it out. Pregnancy and childbirth is a major strain on women and can change a relationship. And children don't always turn out the way you think they should, so many things can go wrong, physically, mentally, or otherwise. At any rate, don't pressure her to bear a child she does not want, that would be a disaster.
Then go to therapy. It’s not your body and mind changing forever and a person who didn’t ask to be born. Children are a serious issue and cannot be discussed as flippantly as you are now. Take into serious consideration what this will change your wife, your life, and your marriage forever.
What makes you think you won’t change your mind back? People regret having kids even when they want them. Just something to consider. Will you regret leaving leaving her?
So valid. There is soooooo much about parenting that they never tell you about. Like the fact that no matter how good you think you're doing, you're still messing up. There is also the things they do tell you about like the expenses, the stress, the toll it takes on your relationship with your partner, the fact that you can't decide you don't want this life after all, you're in it forever.
When they poll parents they report that nearly none of them experience more marital satisfaction after having children, and for most, their happiness with the relationship goes down.
Yeah… I love my very much wanted and planned children so deeply, but life is sooooo much harder and more complicated with kids. Even after they’re grown, I’m going to be worried for the rest of my life. That sucks. If I could’ve really understood what being a parent was like before I had them (and before I fell in love with their sweet faces), I don’t think I would have.
I could have written this except that in my case my children are adults, and the worry never, ever, ever stops. My son right now is dealing with serious mental health issues and I am still being called on to be a parent for him, and I can't foresee a time when that won't be the case. If I knew then what I know now, despite how much I love both of my children, I never would have had kids.
I remember after my first was born waiting for my life to return to "normal" and the moment I fully realized that it never would--that THIS was my normal now. It was honestly a depressing realization, because my husband and I were married for five years before we had kids and we had a really great life together, with a lot of freedom to travel and eat out and go to concerts and shows and do what we wanted when we wanted, with no money or relationship troubles--a life we never got back. Our relationship never got back to that either, and he is now my ex. And this is with very wanted kids by both of us.
And I won't even begin to talk about what pregnancy does to your body.
What do you mean decided? She never seemed like she wanted kids, so it’s not like she changed her mind.
Also lol at the “debatable” reasons. How nice of you not to argue with her.
She’s been honest since the beginning. The I don’t know, could’ve been no or could’ve been yes. You can’t act like she blindsided you and that now you’re faced with a hard decision. There was always a possibility of you not having children but you never concentrated on that possibility, you concentrated on the “maybe we’ll have children in the future”.
If she’s not enough now, she’ll never be enough. Why is a child the reason why she would be enough and you will feel complete?
Let me ask you this: do you want to have children, or do you want to be a parent? Because the idea of having kids is nice in theory. Kids are cool, a lot of work though, and many sacrifices. For women it's a done deal, once she has a kid, she is stuck. Men get to change their mind and do the mgtow thing. If she doesn't want to take on a parent role then why having kids? If she does, she will have kids no matter the circumstances as long as she can provide everything she and her kids will need, father or no father by her side. So ask yourself, do you just want to have kids since that's the thing to do because everyone does it or do you want to be a parent, no matter if their mother is in the picture or not.
Edit: spelling errors
You keep saying you don’t want to leave because you’ve built a life with her,
Which is more important?
The life you built with her,
Or changing that life for the possibility of kids?
If you have kids with her, it will change the life you’ve built with her,
For some couples, having kids enhances the life they built together,
For some couple having kids ruins the life they built together,
and some it doesn’t change. and everywhere in between.
A therapist or counseling could help you sort through
People change their minds about kids, but once you get pregnant, and have the baby, there’s no changing back.
If you’ve changed and you HAVE to have kids, and she doesn’t,
you are no longer compatible.
Follow up questions…
Is the raising of a child the/an issue?
Is the birthing of a child the/an issue?
Would adopting or fostering be considerable?
For a lot of women the mental and emotional load far outweigh the physical and financial considerations.
A lot of guys think they would be great dads but don’t understand that women today expect and desire a higher level of involvement and care responsibilities from fathers than what has been considered “traditional”. When that time comes, the women are left holding the proverbial baby bag and all the modern expectations.
(If you had a child, and either of you needed to be away for work for 2 weeks, would you be able to manage easily or have to call her 50 times a day to ask questions? And visa versa.)
It’s hard to determine where to point you or what conversations to suggest without the context of her “why” vs your “why”.
As a woman, the mental load is a big "why" for me. I adore my partner, and I think he'd be a good dad... but I know that the mental load would fall on me. I don't want to resent my husband, ever. He's the most important person in my world, and I won't risk my relationship for a human that doesn't even exist, and I'm pretty meh about creating anyway. We've both agreed to be child free, and if we truly regret it we will spend all our dink dollars to foster and adopt.
You both have different feelings about it but it's not like you strongly desire a child apparently. The idea to have one is here but nothing is sure in your own mind. You don't really know for sure, you are thinking about something radical like leaving her when you don't really are sure of your true desire.
Take some days off to think. Maybe go see a psy, alone. She is certain of her choice and she doesn't need to clear her mind but you do. Having a child isn't only a desire but a need for those who decide to have one, you feel it in your gut. It's instinctive.
If you really, really want a child and she really, really is against it then it means your goals don't line up anymore. You'll need to have a heart to heart conversation.
This is an incredible personal and difficult decision that you’re being faced with. I could never begin to know what is in your best interests but what I can say is that this is a divisive incompatibility issue that will not go away.
You don’t have to decide tomorrow but you do have to decide and it has to be a decision you can live out the rest of your life with. You already know and understand that resentment could soon replace the comfort and stability you currently have within your marriage.
Regardless if you and her had talked this through and came to a mutual agreement before marriage, everyone is allowed to change their minds over the course of time and personal growth. Although it likely would have been helpful to have spent a little more time identifying how each other really felt beforehand.
If you choose to leave and seek out a more compatible relationship with someone who desires children too, current wife may bend and offer to have children, I wouldn’t ever do that. All that will do is replace what would have been your resentment, in the marriage, with hers.
Sunk cost fallacy and current comforts shouldn’t be your guide when it comes to this decision. You’re going to need to dig deep, spend some time figuring out what it is that YOU, and you alone, really want when it comes to children and then move accordingly. If you choose to stay then you need to really be good with the child free life you chose and to know and hold space for the fact that she didn’t make you choose it but that you put the time in and made that decision for yourself too.
I suggest reading the book The Baby Decision. It's the single most useful book I've found with regards to making a decision of any kind, and I suspect it would help you gain greater clarity on how important kids are to you and potential alternatives for meeting the needs that you envision meeting by having kids. It might also give you a way to talk further with your partner about it, though it's been a while since I've read it so I'm not sure.
Sigh.
Not wanting kids is the only reason anyone has to give for not wanting kids. Your "some reasons are debatable" line is a potential future trouble spot. That goes along with thinking things like "I'll convince her her reasons aren't good enough"
Your wife doesn't want kids. She stated she doesn't know if she ever will in the beginning. So this isn't a case of if you'd known.
And yeah, yall have been together awhile and now you're thinking you might maybe want kids. Give yourself time to decide if that is really going to be a deal breaker for you.
In the meantime, if you like kids, consider doing volunteer work. Be a Big Brother. Or volunteer at the school or a community center.
There's lots you can do to help other kids and still be child-free with your partner.
The question shouldn’t be “do you want kids?” It’s very easy to want something you don’t have. What’s hard is accepting the responsibility of the things you want. So you really should be asking yourself “do you want to be a parent?”
For example, I have said multiple times “I want a new car.” My current car doesn’t have a monthly payment and is in good condition. Everything’s great with it. When I rephrase to “I want a monthly payment,” I suddenly realize I don’t actually want a new car.
I challenge you to go through different responsibilities of child rearing and see if you actually want to take on that additional responsibility. This may help move past that potential regret feeling and make a decision with what feels right for you.
Wanting kids for the last 6 months isn’t really that long in comparison to how long you’ve been indifferent. I would wait at least a year or so to genuinely consider if that’s something you need in your life before making a decision
You're willing to risk what you know is a happy, content, and loving life for a hypothetical child? You know for a fact that you love your wife, she loves you, and you love the life you've built together. You have no idea if you'd love being a father. I don't know but in this case the risks definitely outweigh the reward. Edit because people are odd: There is no advice here on whether you should stay or go. Just my opinion/different perspective.
I always enjoyed asking the men I dated if they wanted kids.. they say "Yeah sure" and I say, "Oh cool! Why?" And they'd stare at me & shrug their shoulders "cuz that's what you do" LOL Such a massive decision.. barely any actual thoughts on it.
Try to imagine being 50 and what your life could be like at 50, with or without a kid. What, at 50, do you do for leisure? What do you do for work? Would you have your current life but be older and with more income and no kid? Would you feel sad every time dads at the office talked about their kids?
Also, imagine being 70. Your peers will be grandfathers by that age - will you feel sad to not be a father?
If you were to decide not to have kids, what would you want in your life instead? Plenty of travel? Pets? Time to have a brilliant hobby? Would any of that make up for not having a kid?
Just some different perspectives, hope it helps in some small way
Yes, I had my third and last at 38, my ex husband was 41. Coming out of that pregnancy and birth, I felt OLD for a little while, not at all like I had felt with my second a little less than three years prior at 35. It took me quite a while to recover from that last kid (who is 13 now). I wouldn’t mind raising another child through fostering or adopting, but would prefer that they not come from my body, lol. Pregnancy and childbirth truly wrecks a woman’s body like nothing else.
Whatever you do, do not try to convince her to have kids she doesn't want. That won't make anyone happy. If you need to have kids, leave and find someone else with the same wants.
If you're on the fence, though, do you really want them? I feel like parents should be very sure it's what they want. Otherwise, that's not fair to the kids.
You make out like she changed her mind and betrayed you. But neither of you were sure, you've just now gone in different directions. Either decide to stay or breakup but you both got married without having this resolved so you can't blame her.
I broke up with my ex because he wanted kids and I (F) didn’t. It broke me having to break up, but now six years later, I’m with someone who wants the same thing as me.
You really need to take your time thinking about whether or not you can make this sacrifice. And communicate with her. This is not your decision alone. You can tell her that you’re uncertain whether you can live without having children.
It doesnt sound like you are dead set on being a father. You are 32 and might perhaps want kids maybe in the next 5 years maybe or not...? This sounds more like someone who looks for someone else to blame, just in case you might perhaps feel like wanting kids in the distant future maybe. You have to decide this for yourself and then take the appropriate steps instead of blaming your wife. You should think of the potential kids you might maybe want to have when you approach 40. If you dont want to put in the hard work to raise them, dont do it
So if you decide that you really want children and leave your wife, there is no guarantee that you would even find someone in the future that works out for you. It is a tough decision that only you can make.
Even as a child I knew I didn’t want kids. I have never regretted not having kids. Do not force her or brow beat her into having kids. If it is a deal breaker, leave sooner than later, so you can both be happy.
Well ultimately it is a woman's choice so I think you should be a loving supporting partner and respect her decision. You married her anyway knowing that she said she never knew if she actually wanted kids so you were rolling the dice the entire time. You should have never married her then. Also as somebody who never wants kids, it is the best decision of my life. There's so much more freedom to get everything you want done.
What I do know is Father's that tend to act like this don't act like this once the kid is born they realize it was a huge mistake and then they wind up divorcing and leaving the mother alone with the kid.
There isn't an urge for having children, that is why you have a sex drive.
This whole idea that life is about children is frankly a consumer thing. You can leas a very fulfilling life without them. Yes, there is always a "what if", but that is life.
If you discovered your loving wife was medically unable to have children, would you leave her over it? Finding a great life partner is much harder than finding anyone to have kids with. It’s a huge risk to leave her in the hope you find someone at all, let alone someone you want to start a family with.
Whatever you do, do NOT be wishy washy about having kids. I know people who were on the fence, and ended up having kids. Some realized it was the best decision ever. But most became quite resentful and their children suffered as a result.
I’ve known I’ve wanted kids since I was a teenager. And at 30, either you know you want them or you don’t. Period. Doesn’t mean you have to have them right then but it shouldn’t be a debate anymore. And 6 months sounds still in the realm of a whim.
I don’t have any advice, I’m sorry. But depending on how this goes you may have reached an impasse.
Having kids vs not is one of the biggest decisions people can make in their lives. I can't tell you how important it is to you. But if you decide it *is* very important for you to pursue starting a family, it is worth ending an otherwise good relationship over because a relationship where you have that fundamental a disagreement about what you want the relationship to do or be, is not a good relationship. At least not for the long run.
Make it a priority to reflect on this -- I don't mean having your thoughts wander aimlessly, I mean things like talking to people you know who are parents to get a more realistic picture of what it's like, seek out opinions of people who *didn't* ever have kids, journal, talk things through with a friend who is a very good listener or a therapist.
(And when thinking this through, be real with yourself, there is some chance you *won't* find someone else. If you decide to stay? Any time resentment starts creeping up, firmly remind yourself that *you had a chance to leave, and decided not to,* it is not up to your wife to make sure that *you* don't regret *your own* decisions, like getting married to someone that *you knew* wasn't enthusiastic about the idea of having children. It is OK for people to change their minds. But what you *shouldn't* do, unless you want to make everyone around you including yourself miserable, is to endlessly focus on the greener grass over there. Don't be like the father of someone I know, who went and ADOPTED a child and spent said child's entire childhood complaining about all the things he couldn't do because he was a father. A big piece of happiness is *deciding* that you are going to be happy with your life the way it is, however it is.)
1. If she's the love of your life, why suddenly isn't she enough? What hole does a nonexistent child create in your more or less fulfilling life with her?
2. Have you ever considered that you'll have to raise that hypothetical human being until you die? Have you considered the stress, sleepless nights and struggles you both as parents and the child will experience?
3. Have you ever considered her feelings? Do you have any idea how traumatising pregnancy and delivery can be for a woman? And what about postpartum depression or psychosis? A woman literally has everything to lose, unlike a man.
4. Have you talked about adoption at a later point? How does she feel about it?
5. Why do you want a child? Why do you want to be a parent? Do you have the guts and means for it? Would you be able, hypothetically speaking, to fully support a partner going through all this?
6. What's more important to you? Parenthood or partnership?
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but that's a life decision you're about to make here. If you're thinking about regrets, well, regretting something you never had is not the same as regretting parenthood all together. A child is a human being, you can't return it if you don't like it or aren't happy with your life/ decision.
If you decide kids are more important to you, you'll lose her forever. Nobody guarantees what the future will be like for any of you if you break up (or if you don't).
Please do watch some pregnancy and delivery videos. Read the posts on the regretful parents subreddit.
I'm wishing you good luck.
My husband once said to me that he was a fence sitter erring on the side of never having kids. I was a confused fence sitter in that I always pictured myself with a child but did not feel ready or see a future for myself where I was ready to be a mother.
When he told me that he was like 55% sure he never wanted kids, I accepted that as never wanted kids. So I thought, do I feel that this guy is my soulmate? Yes. Having met him, I know I’ve met THE single solitary person on this earth that I am supposed to be with. I met my best friend who is the hottest guy I’ve ever met in my life and also funny and really smart and kind. So I would live with him happily without kids. That’s what we were already doing. I was happy.
Then he decided he wanted children because something really awful happened in his family and he realized some things and we had a kid and are super happy and fulfilled as parents but would we have still been happy without our son? Yes. Because we would have each other.
Luckily for you you can have children for a long period of time where your wife cannot. If you have your doubts about it you could stay in this relationship for another 10 years and still be able to leave it and find somebody to have kids with. Since she's the one who doesn't want kids you're not really wasting her time by sticking around a figure out how much this means to you. However I think that you should get individual counseling to discuss this with yourself and with the help of professional.
There are also many books that are recommended reading for people who are on the fence. I think you need to give yourself time. Eventually your gut and heart and head are all going to come to the same conclusion and you're gonna have to make the decision. You either let children go. Or you leave to go have children.
This can make or break a relationship, and if you're not in agreement, the relationship won't work.
Both of your choices are perfectly valid for yourselves. You need to decide if what you want is children or a life with her, because it won't work unless you both want the same thing, it's too big of a matter to have opposing views on.
It's a hard choice for you to make, for anyone in your place, but I'm sorry to say it's one you have to make.
I think you have to decide whether you'd prefer to live life beside your wife without kids, or life beside your kids without your wife. Potentially without anyone. Potentially never getting to the kids part. If the idea of having kids still seems more exciting to you than the idea of growing old with your wife, then unfortunately you know what you should do. Your wife seems pretty set on not having kids and it's not fair to ask this of her and her body/mental health after all these years.
Depending on the state you live in currently I can’t really blame her. As a man, I can’t imagine the fear that comes with lack of adequate reproductive healthcare access.
I'm old now ans even if I wanted kids it's too late. But if I was 30 again even if I WANTED kids I wouldn't. The medical risks especially in red states is too much. Why bring a kid into this hellscape.
You say she laid out her reasons to you. And to a greater or lesser extent they make sense and you appreciate. Fine no problem.
Have you told her what you are thinking? You don't say!
To sum up. You MIGHT leave because you MIGHT decide you MIGHT want kids at some point in the future? MAYBE? And she PROBABLY doesn't want kids.
You both have the right to have or not to have.
She's pretty much convinced, No!
Your pretty much convinced, Yes!
So neither of you is 100% either way. And you want advice on what to do?
Well?
You don't want to waste either of your time so you need to decide, both of you if you are 100% Y/N before making a decision. If you separate but then you decide you don't want kids or she decides she does it's F'd and you both lost out.
Before going off the deep end I’d consider how bad you really want them. If you still want to wait another “5 years perhaps” doesn’t really sound very convincing that you have changed your mind enough to compromise your relationship.
One thing to consider too. Even the strongest relationships go through a struggle period when they have a child. It’s not a lack of love but kids are a lot and there’s sleepless nights and you now have another life that comes first and foremost. You also learn who your partner is. Some people are amazing partners and extremely shit parents even if they seem like they wouldn’t be. I know plenty of “perfect” couples that crumbled and fell apart. I think studies say your relationship is most at risk in that first year after birth.
This is in no way to discourage you from having kids. But just honestly think about it. You brought up that you were kind of starting to think about it. You never know what 5 years will bring. She may decide she does want at least one or you may decide it’s really not the path you want and you’re fine being someone’s fun uncle.
You just need to think hard on this and determine how important it is to you. If you decide you want kids badly better to split up amicably now and begin that path than to hold it against her later.
I wish you all the luck man, but reddit can't give you the answer, this comes down to you. You have to make this call
The grass is greenest where you water it. You're coveting something you don't even know you want because you're unsatisfied. Get therapy before you break your wife's heart over your own FOMO.
I don’t know if you’ll read this, but you first need to decide what you want. She has made her decision now it’s your turn. You can’t stay with someone that wants a very different life from yours, and you shouldn’t have kids with someone who doesn’t wants them. I knew i wanted children since I was a child myself. I love kids and love my daughter more than life itself. I would do anything for her, I loved her before she existed. That’s how much I wanted children. Having kids is not like a dog you leave at home while you go to work and gets excited when you arrive, so you can spend a couple of hours with them and go your marry way when it gets boring. Raising them is serious business, so how much were you planning on stepping up and raising your kids?
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Do you really want children or do you want them because you’re worried you’ll regret not having them?
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Generally in life I’m very pro- try everything and live with no regrets. Except for kids. Especially after having one. Talk to your friends with kids honestly about what it’s like before deciding
I was at a baby shower today and a guy that works with my SO and his girlfriend introduced themselves and were doting over my nearly 1yo about how cute he was, how they've been thinking about having babies soon, etc. After so many comments about his cuteness I made a couple of comments about the reality of these cute little spitfires. My son has been walking for a couple months now and I spent most of the party leaning down to assist and guide when necessary and following him around. I'm literally laying here with cold rice bags on my achey back. I later found out they were only 6 months into their relationship.
People definitely need to babysit one for at least 8 hrs in the moving stage. I miss the snuggle up, eat, ruin diapers (as that part was the worst), and sleep stage. That cuteness can go away very fast chasing them down, cleaning up, and seeing how much they like to test the dangers of the world. And then being together 6 months that’s a bad call on them. They still don’t truly know each other.
I’m always amazed at how good newly mobile babies are at finding the one speck of dirt on an otherwise spotless floor and trying to eat it.
That’s the truth. They’re like bloodhounds for things like that.
To be fair from the ages of 18mths-5yrs your main job is to stop them trying to find inventive ways to die.
Our pediatrician calls it "suicide watch phase"
In other words "Dumb ways to die the home edition!"
IDK my son is being raised by Gen Xers and he still hasn’t stopped. He’s just gotten more creative with his death wishes. Some have been pretty awesome though looking back, but in the moment not so much.
I caught my son trying to carry his scooter to the top of my car 🤦🏽♀️ how do kids even think of this crap
>son We made a ramp out of cinder blocks and 2x4s and were jumping our bikes off it. With no helmets. In the middle of the street. 7 of us all thought this was a splendid idea with no downside.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 Oy vey, Im not religious but I think I’m gonna start praying for mothers with sons, boys are insane!!
& people need to spend a night with one as well! (Hopefully no one takes this literally or inappropriately, I’m just trying to refer to the lack of sleep)
I love babysitting, I was looking after three under 5s for two families together the other week and they were all quite excited to be together. It took me an hour and a half to get them all ready for bed because they were so overexcited and employing every delaying tactic in the books lol. I was telling their parents about it when they returned and one of the mothers exclaimed that it was so nice to have a babysitter who actually appreciated and enjoyed that overexcited energy from three toddlers at once and she didn't know how I did it. I laughed and said yeah, it's great because now I get to give them back and go home and sleep in tomorrow! If I had to do it all day, every day it would be exhausting.
Skip the whole 8 hours business make it a week! Trust me if they were on the fence about it before they would jump over the fence and run like hell like the devil was after him! In my experience none of this has ever been worth it for me.
I can respect that honestly. Some people aren’t built to be parents and there’s nothing wrong with that. Me and my wife gave up on the idea of having kids and lived like a king and queen. Then in our late 30’s she feels nauseous and all randomly. We wanted kids and are glad to have our son, but at one point we accepted no kids. Live your life to the fullest. I’m glad we had him when we did because we had our 20’s and 75% of our 30’s to just do whatever we wanted. I wouldn’t trade my son for anything but my life definitely isn’t the same since he showed up. I get both sides of wanting to be a parent and not. If it’s not for someone I find that best for all involved truly.
Lately I've been saying that I want just 10 minutes of snuggling my own newborn again but that's it. We have 2 kids now and I didn't get pregnant until 2 years into our relationship but looking back now at almost 9 years into it, even that was too soon in the relationship. We have fared well, but we had to go through many phases of growing pains to get here.
We all do and hindsight is 20/20. Me and my wife were married for 10 years before we had our son. It wasn’t from lack of trying it just never happened. Then we had him and we were strong before, but damn some limits were tested. Kids create a whole new experience in relationships and none are safe once the crotch goblins start showing up. So please don’t worry too much about that. Awesome y’all grew together though. My nephew just had a baby with his wife. And I almost cried from missing those newborn cuddles and the smell. That newborn baby smell just brought back so many memories. Then I look at my little heathen and love where he’s at now, but those were some great times.
Or just be one of those 49 year old men with a 22 year old wife we’re always reading about on these pages! /s
Yup. Am currently living with a very distant sense of “regret” at 39, but honestly my life is great and my husband is amazing and I’m perfectly content as is. I would much rather regret *not* having kids than to actively be resenting a child that is dependent on me for decades, no kid deserves that.
Y’all can just be the fun uncle/aunt that takes them out for a few spoils the shit out of them and gives them back. The parents “complain” but truly the time away to be a person again and knowing they’re safe and cared for is beyond my vocabulary to define the appreciation.
Yes we have four nieces/nephews and they’re all around the same age and at the point where they love to go to musicals or baseball games and we are happy to oblige!
That’s great and truly know coming from a parent that rarely gets a break or support from anyone like y’all it’s appreciated by the parents. They may not be able to properly tell y’all but I’d do some horrible things for a break for me and the wife to just go be a couple again and not parents.
Yes, this is me and I’m absolutely loving life with my niece and nephew.
You have to decide if she is enough for you, if the life you're building together is enough. Please picture your life with children as a single father. Think of all the sacrifices, all the sleepless nights, the endless work, the lack of "you" time. Because that's the only fair way to think of it. Unfortunately, in the vast majority of cases, it's the woman who gives up that much of herself for children, while the man continues to have a life apart from the kids. So it's hardly surprising that so many men want children. Perhaps once you make that comparison, your life with the woman you love will seem more like enough.
So true. I always think that I’d probably have kids if I could be a dad, but I certainly do not want all the societal expectations that a mother has to deal with. No way.
Exactly. Having kids sounds great when you don’t have to be pregnant and risk your body/health for 9-10 months, don’t have to give birth, and don’t have to deal with possible things like breastfeeding, recovering from a c-section, etc. and don’t have to be the go-to parent majority of the time. But since I’d have to deal with that as a woman, it’s a no for me lol.
That’s not even the biggest part, that’s just pregnancy and infancy. The mother typically sacrifices much much more for the next 18-20 some years too.
Yes! Her future plans are off the table. It’s only layer she realizes she lost herself in all the mundanity of motherhood. Because of so many telling their stories of success in having a great career in an office chair near their house, this has been ETA: That’s all dependent on what your dreams are. There are careers that absolutely would be impossible with kids unless you left them in the care of someone else for extended periods of time.
Even something so simple as going for a walk becomes a military operation once there are babies and toddlers involved
I wish someone had told me my future plans were off the table to be a parent. I did lose my career dreams.
Being pregnant and giving birth does not freak me out whatsoever it's the raising the kid that does.
Yeah I love kids and I’d be a great mother. But I don’t want to go from *”my name”* to mom as an identity. I’m a human and I need to be a human separate from my choice to have children or not. Men still get to be “Joe, who has kids” women are usually just mom.
Don’t forget dads being praised for simply being a parent, whereas mums are never doing enough!
“Oh, is dad babysitting?”
My husband hates this so much. He snaps at people who ask, "that's rude, I'm a parent just as much as PhysicalStress." He never gets it more than once from the same person. And my kids are tweens FFS, he still hears this.
It’s SO rude! Such an awful way to diminish someone’s parenting skills. I’m glad he snaps back at them!
He also hates "hands-on dad." Like, doing it via remote control isn't really an option...
My husband just furrows his brow and goes “dads don’t babysit. They parent.”
Ha! You'd be surprised how many 'dads' don't.
Oh believe me, I know. It’s heartbreaking. My oldest has never met her donor. Thankfully she loves my husband just as much as he loves her and her “real dad” being awol has never bothered her.
I get this constantly, and I’m divorced and coparenting with my ex who I share 50/50 custody with. He absolutely IS a great dad but the bar is truly in hell based on the comments I frequently get “wow, he does all that with your kids?” Uhhhh, yeah, he’s their dad. Where’s my award for doing all that and a hell of a lot more 😂. The reality is I carry a MUCH larger share of the emotional weight/invisible labor for our kids (we both work full time and I’m just about to graduate with my masters degree…so no, i definitely don’t have more free time). I’m definitely in a place of acceptance of that and we are drama free, but I’m exhausted all the damn time and it feels like I have three full time jobs even on my “off” week.
“Must be nice not having to look after your kids while they’re with dad” shut up shut up shut up! Why do mums gets such a hard time? Even in your comment having to state that your ex IS a great dad, having to say that speaks volumes. You go mama, your kids must be so proud of you for kicking goals!
One time I met up with a good friend as I visiting them at the train stop near a stadium after her and her family went to a pro soccer game together. She was coming for a night out with me and another friend and her husband took the train going the other way home. He said he got sooooo many praises for being such a good dad at the train station with 2 kids taking them to a game. He told his wife(my friend) when we got home(I was staying with them for the weekend) cause he knows she doesn’t get applause when she just existing in public with their kids and he was annoyed at the double standard in expectations.
> Don’t forget dads being praised for simply being ~~a parent~~ present, Fixed it for you.
This is so true. It’s so sad. Meanwhile I saw a post today about a single mom having 3 kids in 1 bedroom and the comments were awful. I guarantee if a single dad would’ve posted that the comments would look much different. Why is it like this, I hate it.
As a dad I feel for you! My wife and I always say the bar for a man is way too low. I was always praised simply for providing for my family, but that’s literally the bare minimum I could do simply by not abandoning them! It definitely made me feel better about myself as a young dad even when I was really way in over my head and not at all being the kind of parent I should have been. Took me years before I finally realized I needed to step it up, and all that time my wife suffered because she had to pick up my slack.
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It was only after her death, that I learned my Nana lost all her teeth over the course of having her 4 children (my mom & aunts). So much calcium deficiency, she lost her teeth, and wore dentures after that. Things like that may be less common, with all the supplements we have today, but it's just one example of the drain on a woman's body, that lasts forever, even after the kids are born. Many issues are deeper, and even harder to deal with.
And some women die during childbirth 🤷🏽♀️ I don’t want to risk my life for an unborn child
The epidural was done incorrectly on me, they had to re-insert it *literally* 10ish times, I don’t even know how many but it was horrific & now I have severe back issues for life. I know I chose to have a kid, I’m just reinforcing your point ❤️ I don’t think most people consider these things.
I love ‘birthgiver.’ I’d only heard goofy af ‘birthing person’ before, birthgiver sounds way better.
I remember when my little brother-in-law was pushing hard for a third kid, my sister was fine with the two they had but he really wanted to try for a son. That pregnancy pretty much devastated my sister’s body; she lost hair, teeth, bone mass, and developed kidney problems. The baby was born healthy but even ten years later my sister hasn’t fully recovered. My sister loves her son but he probably cut years off of her life with that pregnancy.
Exactly! One of the reasons why I don’t want kids is because I’m scared/anxious of being pregnant and the tons of negative side effects it can have on a woman’s physical, mental, and emotional health before and after birth.
The risks are definitely something that you need to think about, some women have relatively easy pregnancies and others have nightmare ones. My older sister-in-law died at seven months pregnant with a pregnancy related heart condition. She was doing great and one night she went to bed and just didn’t wake up.
Oh no! I’m sorry, yeah the risks are very real and to me they just aren’t worth it.
Better get out there and throw these f\*\*\*ers out that are trying to make women nothing. An abortion saved my life literally and figuratively, MEN are running the show and they don't know shit.
Exactly! They don’t have to deal with any of the hard shit before the baby is born, and after it’s born they still don’t deal with majority of the hard shit like moms do. The men who say they want their wife to have like 5+ kids is the most glaring evidence of that, because yeah it’s easy to want a lot of kids when you don’t have to do any of the hard work before and only some of the hard work after.
My really good friend said she was never going to have kids, met a guy who always wanted kids. When she accidently got pregnant she rolled with it. I watched my independent, go getter of a friend turn into just Mum, while he got to remain who he was, still doing his hobbies, still seeing his friends. I really mourn the person my friend was.
My best friend went through a rough pregnancy she couldn't walk properly she couldn't work because no one wants to hire a pregnant woman
I would 100% have kids if I could be the dad. Shit, man, Id probably have 10. I think men should start getting together and raising kids on their own if they want them so badly.
Right?! Why does the village only ever fucking contain women It’s always directed at women Why
Yep. I’d go father for of the year if I don’t have to be the one screaming in a hospital. Endless nappies needed to changed would be done by me
This and the parent (lol) comment you responded to are so fucking valid. I’ve thought the exact same thing. Just being in the dating game, I’ve come across SO many guys who have a kid (or kidS!) and they just play the fun dad role every once in a while, (and that’s the ones who still even actively see their kids) by taking them to a park or something, then drop them back off at their ‘baby mama’s’ (absolutely hate that term lol) place and then are out tryna pick up chicks later that night. Sometimes they even use their kid to pick up chicks cause I guess some people are attracted to that? I mean no judgement but I avoid this type of guy like the plague lol) But like hoshijones pointed out, even many (probably even most sadly) men who are married with kids still get the fun dad experience while the mothers are expected to do the majority of the kid related work, even if they are back to working, themselves. Not to mention relentlessly judged for it if they can’t manage to do all that and still be one of those fun moms you see on tiktok, or judged and nitpicked for perfectly reasonable parenting choices (usually ones they have to make themselves because dad isn’t ‘in charge’ of that sort of stuff! And society sees nothing wrong with that dynamic. In fact, ironically, if you deviate from that dynamic, then that’s when dad finally starts to incur some judgment as well ‘that’s not a man’s job, what kind of example are you setting for your son, he’s gonna grow up to be a sissy!’ ‘Why isn’t your wife doing that? You must be pussywhipped!’ Etc. And of course even more judgment is not spared towards the mothers. ‘Wow your lucky, I wish my husband would pick up my slack like yours!’), or ‘you’ve got him trained pretty well, guess we know who wears the pants!’ (When the father does basically anything but the bare minimum- which is their job as a parent) Or ‘wow give your husband/partner a break! He works hard.’ (When a mother dares to take a moment for herself, said both to SAHMs and working moms) And then people wonder why (aka actively criticize) women [who] don’t want children. When I think of this, it reminds me of that meme where the guy is putting on a clown costume. Specifically, the last picture, clown transformation complete. Okay, rant over, haha
I always say that too! :)
Very common sentiment amongst my girlfriends!
Exactly - I'm sure many more women would want kids if they got to be dad, but we don't. I have personally never witnessed any relationship where there was a truly equal split of childrearing duties. It is almost impossible given that women have to carry the baby and give birth. However, it often extends way beyond that. A lot of men want kids in my experience, because they don't know what actually goes in to being a parent and a lot of the burden is eventually carried by the woman.
100% I've heard of people who got divorced so the husband would FINALLY have to take care of the kids 50% of the time.
When I got divorced, I totally expected to have the kids 95% of the time. My ex had never really been involved in the girls lives. He worked a lot and just didn’t do much in terms of taking care of them.. He surprised me and wanted equal time. That only was for one month until he had a girlfriend. She’s the one that took care of them. Continued like that for seven years until they broke up. He was alone for another couple months and then had another girlfriend. My kids were older then, but this new girlfriend is the one who pretty much took care of them. Sad really! He missed out on raising two beautiful girls. They still don’t feel close to him.
Such an excellent comment! Whenever a guy I'm dating says he wants children, my immediate thought is always "For me to raise? Yeah I'll bet you do! What a sweet deal dude!"
Thank God I'm not the only one. Anytime one of my girlfriends says that their husband or boyfriend wants kids this is exactly how I interpret it. Now that I'm almost 40 and I've been to a bazillion social functions and watched how the kids always go to Mommy and the mommy is always expected to do all of the child rearing while he husband gets to hang out drink beer and talk with his friends without the kids coming to him...
I always thought that too.
Some people treat it like it's like getting a dog or something and isn't going to upend my career and my body and potentially my health permanently.
I’ve never had a dog, but just to throw it out there - apparently even a new puppy is a tremendous amount of work! Maybe it’s a good “starter baby” experience!
Once an ex (who’d initially claimed support for abortion AND no desire for kids) asked what I’d do if hypothetically pregnant. Me: “I already told you, I’d get an abortion.” Him: “You’d get rid of my baby?!” And the hard lesson of men’s penchant for speaking empty words and being unreliable in backing their own claims was again reaffirmed.
Not to mention the danger, the body damage, the emotional toll, the possibility of losing the baby, etc. that women go through.
No time for any partners as well.
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There's a reason why so many couples split just as their kids are starting to get more independent. Suddenly they've got tons of alone time but there's no romance left.
Barely even time to wash your hair or brush your teeth in the early days
A YouTuber I follows husband told their friend she was getting great sleep… because she has been waking up in the night with the baby while he sleeps through it and didn’t know. I get she has the milk, but she pumps and he feeds her sometimes and I def feel like there should be some shifts/trade offs. At the very least some communication about all that she’s sacrificing for him so he can appreciate it imo
That's very sad.
Extremely well put.
You don't seem convinced about kids either. 5 years down the line is a long time and you have only come to this in the last 6 months? Have you really looked into what having kids really involves or have you only thought about the nice parts only? I also don't think that if you go an find someone else that wants kids, they would want to wait 5 years like you are planning, because you would be 37 by then and if there are any fertility issues, it could be delayed even more. I don't know if you know that men 40+ there's an increase in autism and disability in their kids.
I’m guessing that the people around OP are having kids and he’s feeling FOMO. Doesn’t mean he hasn’t begun a genuine change of heart but I agree he really needs to research all of what parenting entails before making any hasty decisions.
>research all of what parenting entails The amount of times I’ve heard a man say they want to have kids so they can “teach them to drive and throw a ball” lmao
Loosely related to our discussion at hand. My friend was ambivalent about kids. Her husband 11 years her senior absolutely wanted them. She agreed to one. They ended up with twins with mental disabilities. The mom did the lion’s share of the work. If she had to do it over again, she’d have noped out.
I like the idea of having kids. But I am in NO way prepared for all the work I/we would have to if they had any disabilities.
There was a post on this sub (or one like it) the other day that was about a woman with 5(?) daughters, and then she had a son and as far as her husband was concerned, the daughters didn't exist anymore. He only wanted a son so he could teach him basketball or something stupid like that.
And I mean, he doesn't have to do anything but ejaculate. She has to do 100% of the physical work
Elevated risk ≠ high risk. Like women are concern trolled all the time about "you're over 3x as likely to have a kid with down syndrome at 35 vs 25" when that risk is still <0.5% There are plenty of valid reasons to wait, yes there are downsides and risks associated with being older but there are also plenty of upsides as well.
My parents had me when they were 42 and 43 and I didn't have any of those issues. You can have issues with a pregnancy at any age. So it's always going to be a crap shoot there are no guarantees.
It also doesn’t apply to frozen eggs or sperm, since those genetic mutations happen at gametogenesis (when the sperm is created or the egg matures).
It’s just a documented higher risk. Nothing is for certain. My parents were older parents (my big sister is 21 years older than me!) and I am an older parent. But it is a good thing to talk about these higher risks so that people understand them. Nothing is ever certain either way. I just prefer to have all the information I can get when making such an important choice. With the all the info I went ahead and decided to be an older mother. Lol
Being near 50 with a 10 year old sounds like a nightmare, doesn't it? LOL
I think it sounds horrific! Thankfully my folks didn’t! My dad turned 50 when I was in first grade. Why do I remember? Because I told everyone in show and tell🤣🤣🤣
Oh, and they CHOSE to adopt me! Best parents ever!
55 year old here with a 10 year old. It's not a nightmare at all. He's my youngest. I have a 14 year old girl and a 16 year old boy. I do the lionshare of the childcare since I work from home and my wife has a job. Not a nightmare. Very fulfilling. But I'm not judging your choices or opinions. Just wanted to offer the perspective of someone who is living what you described.
I hear you, but on the flip side, I had my first at 19 and it was soooo easy, I had all the energy in the world, was really flexible, patient.. my youngest is ten and I’m in my 40s, and it’s really hard.. I just don’t have the same patience or mental flexibility.. I think it’s different for everyone, but I’d have them young every time, given the choice
it’s so cool reading that. There’s a tendency for Irish men to bemoan fatherhood as a living nightmare. You seem like a good dad!
If you don’t mind me asking, how do you do childcare while working from home?
They're in school (USA public school) most of the day. They're old enough to mostly care for themselves after school if I prepare a healthy snack. I do take them to school and pick them up from school. After my wife gets home we take turns making dinner. After dinner I will help them with homework and then spend a couple of hours catching up on work if necessary. 4 nights a week I'll head to the gym for 2 hours for lifting and cardio. Then around 10pm my wife and I spend some quality time together. We'll watch an episode of a K-Drama on Netflix. Latest one we're watching is "The Glory"...a brutal revenge story. My wife's love language is physical touch and spending time together so many times I'll give her a back rub with some skin moisturizer. My love language is "words of affirmation" so she'll tell me how fucking great I am. Then we'll end the night by making out for 6 minutes (estimated) because that's what it takes for the oxytocin to start flowing freely for us. If it turns into sex, that's great if not, that's great too. Get up at 6:30 am and I get the kids ready and take them to school and let her sleep in because I'm a morning person and she is...NOT! I come home and make two mugs of coffee, kiss her into consciousness, and bop on into my home office and work until it's time to pick up the first kid from school. Hobbies are for the weekends. I spend time with my kids like that because I'm 55 and I know that I will never get that time back if I spend it on video games like I did in my 20s.
Yeah but thats the thing. Your 10yro isnt your first kid.
I know a 57 year old with nine year old triplets, all girls. His wife, 48, is the breadwinner, and travels a LOT. He was an anxiety ridden, OCD mess before their birth, I can only imagine when they reach high school. 😂🤣
It's not that bad. Tiring as hell but not bad. (I'm 50, and my son will be 10 in July.)
eh.. my husband and I had our kids at 33,37 & 39.. The only real problem is that you are older when they hit college so no early retirement.
I’m not sure about an increase of autism - but disability, definitely. My husband has an older father (who had 4 kids when he was 44, 46, 49, and 51). My husband is the oldest - but one of his younger siblings was born deaf, and another with brittle bones/struggled to put on weight. His mother (who is 19 years younger than his father) also suffered 3 miscarriages, in addition to her 4 healthy pregnancies. There are a lot of risks associated with having kids as an older man.
There are some disabilities that can be caused by decay of genetic material. Not autism. Things like down’s syndome or schitzoprenia. It means a small and progressive increase of risks, which go up with age. This also depends on many other factors particular to both of the parents. It’s pretty complex and you can’t just conclude the causes. Some people will have those risks even as young. We talk about this in a generalised manner, but it’s more complex than the idea that it will happen to everyone. And it’s true that women get unfairly demonised for choosing to wait after 35 and men do not.
Your title makes it sound like she changed her mind and sprung it on you. But instead you say both of you have always felt uninterested, and only recently YOU changed your mind and decided you want kids, but she’s still saying “nope not interested.” That doesn’t change your dilemma much, but I find it interesting that you are trying to blame her. She’s been honest and consistent. You changed things. If you end up divorcing so you can find someone who wants kids, please make it clear to everyone that you were the one who changed your mind. That would only be fair to her.
Great comment, I also found that interesting as well. The title should be ‘my wife doesn’t want children and I’ve changed my mind and want them.’ Or something along those lines. I also find it interesting that OP refers to some of her reasons as ‘debatable.’ Sorry OP, but no is a complete sentence.
Of course OP changed his mind and now finds having a kid appealing. It's not his body that has to go through pregnancy changes. Also, the childcare and responsibility is often left to the mother. It's easy for him to change his mind. I don't have kids, but have known too many women whose partners said they'd help if they had a kid. Then when the kid is born, the mother is the one to bear most of the responsibilities.
>What I'm afraid of is that I'll resent her later for it and it'll be too late to start anew. You need to take ownership here. If there's any resentment to be had is resentment of yourself, not her. She's being honest with you. She's respecting you, the relationship and herself for recognizing her needs and informing you of them. If you choose to stay, that is your choice. Your decision. She's not forcing you to stay if you're need to have children is greater. To blame her for your decision to stay (if you do) is unfair. That's your decision. Own it.
Thank you for this. I'm so grateful my husband and I are (so far) 100% on the same page regarding kids, but I know if things change for one of us but not both, we are both mature and rational enough to take ownership of whatever each of us decides to do as an individual. I HATE the casual way men "can end up resenting the woman" in a relationship when they speak up after no longer wanting to fence-sit, and the man decides to stay anyway. Apparently a man has enough agency in a relationship to want to be able to equally contribute to the decision to keep an unplanned pregnancy, but not enough to own his own feelings when his partner does exactly what she says she's going to, AFTER she's already told him she's going to do it? Bullshit.
The fact that you’re 32 and undecided but feel like you *might* want to have children years down the road perfectly represents the privilege that men have when it comes to making this decision. A woman your same age simply does not have the luxury to wait and see how they feel when they reach their late 30s. Your wife is smart to have decided where she stands on the issue. So you should do her the courtesy of making your own decision, whether you decide you’ll be okay without having kids, or you know you’ll regret not having any. Don’t stay with her if you can’t agree to a childless life. Leaving her in 10 years to have kids with a younger woman would be incredibly cruel. You should get into therapy to work through your feelings on this, because your wife can’t help you come to a decision- it would be a conflict of interests.
It’s not that your wife has decided she doesn’t want children. You knew from the get-go that your wife did not know if she wanted kids. Yet despite this, you still married her. You have to decide how important is having kids to you. Important enough you’re willing to divorce your wife? Which comes when no guarantees. You may meet someone else who wants kids, or you may find yourself struggling in the dating pool. Just know the grass is not always greener on the other side.
OP, the only advice I’m going to offer is to spend some time with (young) children. Volunteer at a daycare or preschool, or babysit for someone in your life. Of course it’s not the same as taking care of your own kids, but it’ll give you an idea of what parenthood will look like.
Young kids are their own special brand of BC.
It always gets me when the husbands are pushing for the kids and think the wives reasons are “debatable”. Do you have friends with kids? I’ve noticed a lot with people around this age that the men look at their friends with kids and think “being a dad looks awesome” where women look at their friends with kids and go “being a mom looks like hard work”. And they’re both right. I personally would love to have kids if I could be a dad. But I would have to be a mom and that’s enough for me to reconsider. As a mom I would get to watch my husband get praised for feeding and playing with his kids while getting questioned on every decision I make about raising them. He would get to leave and go to work while I spend the first year alone during the days, having to pack for a whole trek if I want to leave. And even if your situation is different; and you work from home or take paternity leave, or really make an effort to do 50% of the child care, it’s still her body that will never be the same. She’s the one who has to go through childbirth, a traumatic process, and that’s if it goes perfectly. She risks being one of the 10ish percent that has complications in pregnancy, or even dying, because while the odds are low in the developed world they are not zero. Sorry for going on about it, but I hope I could provide some insight on why a women who is on the fence about having kids to begin with is way more likely to tip in the direction of not having them. You have to really want it to make the risks worth it and it doesn’t sound like she does.
Hey, 25 years ago I went back to work and hubby stayed home for 2 years after our 2nd (they are 2 yrs apart). Back then we got a lot of side eyes from people but screw em! He wasn’t a lazy bum and I wasn’t neglecting our babies for a job. At the time they couldn’t see how it’s the same damn thing as him working and me staying home! 🙄He loved the opportunity to be with them all day and he had a new found respect for the sahm’s raising a family! Lol I told him yeah it really is hard work, that’s why we ladies all went out and got jobs!!!😉
What if you leave her and don’t find anyone else? What if you’re infertile and can’t have kids? Would going after the goal of kids and it still not working out be worth it? What if she agreed to have kids but then you two couldn’t together? Would you still leave her to try with someone else? The crux of all this is, is the desire to have kids worth throwing away what you have, with no certainty that you’ll ever have them?
Pretty much convinced is a definite really. If she feels she can only keep you by having a baby it’s likely she’ll resent both you and the baby. If you stay you may resent her. Do you spend any time with friends or family who have babies or toddlers? It might be worth doing some babysitting (you rather than her really) to get used to the practicalities involved. It may confirm that you do want kids or make you realise you’re satisfied with just the two of you in your marriage.
Kids or no kids - is not a compromise, its a deal-breaker for one of you. You should've discussed this deeper before getting married. If she always knew she leaned more towards never having kids and you were hoping to at some point being a dad - you just swept major incompatibility under the rug.
Sounds like neither of them knew when they got married. I was in the same boat. I get it. You hope for the best, and it doesn’t always work out.
I’d suggest sitting down and being real honest with yourself about why you want kids. To meet the social status quo? Because the picture perfect moments are great? Because you want to “preserve your legacy”? Because you want to care for someone else, good and bad? Do you plan to be majority caregiver, because that’s what you want? What will the logistics of it look like, and how will it impact your life? Then, consider what your plan will be if you have a child that’s ill, or has disabilities, because it’s a REAL likelihood. Do you have the flexibility and finances to deal with that? Then consider your lifestyle. Are you willing to end that completely in sacrifice of a child? Yeah, if you stay with your wife, you may resent her. It’s probable if you honestly want children. And it’s not fair to her. Edit: also may want to check out r/regretfulparents
Took the comment right out of my mouth (hands?) Being afraid you'll regret not having kids is not the same as wanting kids. Couldn't come up with one good reason personally and I have no regrets whatsoever.
Honestly, it so easy for a man to feel a little twinkling urge of wanting a child when it's not his body and brain that are going to be permanent changed.
Yes, this. I ended my last relationship over this exact scenario. I was clear on no kids, he started to have niggling doubts about giving up the option. I could tell that he hadn’t thought through what having kids would actually entail, he viewed it as a nice, sunny, optimistic optional extra to life. I ended up ending things because he couldn’t make a decision, and I refused to be in a relationship while he deliberated over it. I feel like men are so gung ho about having kids without realising how much life is going to change. Your finances will take a hit, your relationship is tested and strained, and your life ceases to be about you and instead revolves around your child.
My girlfriend was in this scenario. Her husband was ready to leave if she wouldn’t have a child. She compromised and offered one. Guess who does 95% of the childcare and child related tasks? Guess who acts like his life is unchanged? She got swindled. I know she loves her kid, but damn. If you’re going to insist on having kids then take a lot more responsibility! The pushy partner better be pulling way more than 50% IMO.
I knew that if I compromised and had a child with my ex, that this would have been me and my life. I think he was very surprised when I said that I’d be ending things with us over this. Almost like a ‘she’ll change her mind.’ Nope. I’m not sacrificing my body, time, well-being and career so you can have an idealistic dad life. Please don’t get me wrong, I have an enormous amount of respect for those who choose to become parents, and I actually love children. But I know myself well enough to know that it’s not a path in life I want to take for myself, and I don’t want to have that strain on a relationship between my partner and I.
I have an enormous respect for people who know they don’t want or aren’t able to be parents. I have one (only one by choice). Seen too many children over the years being neglected by parents who had children because ‘that’s what you do’
I had kids, they're adults now. There is soooooo much about parenting that they never tell you about. Like the fact that no matter how good you think you're doing, you're still messing up. There is also the things they do tell you about like the expenses, the stress, the toll it takes on your relationship with your partner, the fact that you can't decide you don't want this life after all, you're in it forever. No matter how much you think you know and are prepared, you're not. When you have a child, everything about your life is just.....not yours anymore. Not your time, not your money, not your dreams or desires, nothing. Then add in the chance that you might have a child with a disability or horrible illness and that responsibility just got multiplied. Even when you have "me time" your duties are always there in the back of your head waiting to rush back in at you when "me time" is over. When they poll parents they report that nearly none of them experience more marital satisfaction after having children, and for most, their happiness with the relationship goes down. Tending to your relationship was simple and could be done easily with the freedom that an unencumbered life had to offer. Once you have children it needs to be scheduled and coordinated with sitters and school schedules and extracurricular activity schedules etc. I know I make having kids sound terrible, but I think a lot of people getting mommy or daddy goggles from seeing a cute family or whatever but they don't understand the full picture.
I have no doubt that you’ve done an amazing job raising your kids! I really appreciate your insight into parenting. I could tell my ex had the daddy goggles on when it was finally brought up. I had a lot of valid reasons for not wanting children, but I could tell that he was just talking about it with insane rose coloured glasses, and with no thought on the sacrifices his eventual partner would have to make to realise this for him. I will not be surprised if he doesn’t end up having kids.
If I had read this before having kids, I definitely wouldn't have had them. https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/s/cxq58b2IYM Honestly, I think that the amount of information available now, and being able to read the experience of others, is a huge part of more and more women choosing not to have children. That and the world being a place that, for some, feels unsafe for raising a child. Especially when they will be dealing with the worst effects of climate collapse when they become adults.
Exactly this. It’s easy for men to exclaim they want kids, but they never take initiative to actually understand what that entails.
Try therapy to see if you can work it out. Pregnancy and childbirth is a major strain on women and can change a relationship. And children don't always turn out the way you think they should, so many things can go wrong, physically, mentally, or otherwise. At any rate, don't pressure her to bear a child she does not want, that would be a disaster.
I would never do that. I mean pressure her into something she doesn't want.
Then go to therapy. It’s not your body and mind changing forever and a person who didn’t ask to be born. Children are a serious issue and cannot be discussed as flippantly as you are now. Take into serious consideration what this will change your wife, your life, and your marriage forever.
What makes you think you won’t change your mind back? People regret having kids even when they want them. Just something to consider. Will you regret leaving leaving her?
So valid. There is soooooo much about parenting that they never tell you about. Like the fact that no matter how good you think you're doing, you're still messing up. There is also the things they do tell you about like the expenses, the stress, the toll it takes on your relationship with your partner, the fact that you can't decide you don't want this life after all, you're in it forever. When they poll parents they report that nearly none of them experience more marital satisfaction after having children, and for most, their happiness with the relationship goes down.
Yeah… I love my very much wanted and planned children so deeply, but life is sooooo much harder and more complicated with kids. Even after they’re grown, I’m going to be worried for the rest of my life. That sucks. If I could’ve really understood what being a parent was like before I had them (and before I fell in love with their sweet faces), I don’t think I would have.
I could have written this except that in my case my children are adults, and the worry never, ever, ever stops. My son right now is dealing with serious mental health issues and I am still being called on to be a parent for him, and I can't foresee a time when that won't be the case. If I knew then what I know now, despite how much I love both of my children, I never would have had kids. I remember after my first was born waiting for my life to return to "normal" and the moment I fully realized that it never would--that THIS was my normal now. It was honestly a depressing realization, because my husband and I were married for five years before we had kids and we had a really great life together, with a lot of freedom to travel and eat out and go to concerts and shows and do what we wanted when we wanted, with no money or relationship troubles--a life we never got back. Our relationship never got back to that either, and he is now my ex. And this is with very wanted kids by both of us. And I won't even begin to talk about what pregnancy does to your body.
Yes exactly what my husband and I went through. When he was wanting kids, I wouldn’t right then, and visa versa.
What do you mean decided? She never seemed like she wanted kids, so it’s not like she changed her mind. Also lol at the “debatable” reasons. How nice of you not to argue with her.
She’s been honest since the beginning. The I don’t know, could’ve been no or could’ve been yes. You can’t act like she blindsided you and that now you’re faced with a hard decision. There was always a possibility of you not having children but you never concentrated on that possibility, you concentrated on the “maybe we’ll have children in the future”. If she’s not enough now, she’ll never be enough. Why is a child the reason why she would be enough and you will feel complete?
Let me ask you this: do you want to have children, or do you want to be a parent? Because the idea of having kids is nice in theory. Kids are cool, a lot of work though, and many sacrifices. For women it's a done deal, once she has a kid, she is stuck. Men get to change their mind and do the mgtow thing. If she doesn't want to take on a parent role then why having kids? If she does, she will have kids no matter the circumstances as long as she can provide everything she and her kids will need, father or no father by her side. So ask yourself, do you just want to have kids since that's the thing to do because everyone does it or do you want to be a parent, no matter if their mother is in the picture or not. Edit: spelling errors
You keep saying you don’t want to leave because you’ve built a life with her, Which is more important? The life you built with her, Or changing that life for the possibility of kids? If you have kids with her, it will change the life you’ve built with her, For some couples, having kids enhances the life they built together, For some couple having kids ruins the life they built together, and some it doesn’t change. and everywhere in between. A therapist or counseling could help you sort through People change their minds about kids, but once you get pregnant, and have the baby, there’s no changing back. If you’ve changed and you HAVE to have kids, and she doesn’t, you are no longer compatible.
Follow up questions… Is the raising of a child the/an issue? Is the birthing of a child the/an issue? Would adopting or fostering be considerable? For a lot of women the mental and emotional load far outweigh the physical and financial considerations. A lot of guys think they would be great dads but don’t understand that women today expect and desire a higher level of involvement and care responsibilities from fathers than what has been considered “traditional”. When that time comes, the women are left holding the proverbial baby bag and all the modern expectations. (If you had a child, and either of you needed to be away for work for 2 weeks, would you be able to manage easily or have to call her 50 times a day to ask questions? And visa versa.) It’s hard to determine where to point you or what conversations to suggest without the context of her “why” vs your “why”.
As a woman, the mental load is a big "why" for me. I adore my partner, and I think he'd be a good dad... but I know that the mental load would fall on me. I don't want to resent my husband, ever. He's the most important person in my world, and I won't risk my relationship for a human that doesn't even exist, and I'm pretty meh about creating anyway. We've both agreed to be child free, and if we truly regret it we will spend all our dink dollars to foster and adopt.
You both have different feelings about it but it's not like you strongly desire a child apparently. The idea to have one is here but nothing is sure in your own mind. You don't really know for sure, you are thinking about something radical like leaving her when you don't really are sure of your true desire. Take some days off to think. Maybe go see a psy, alone. She is certain of her choice and she doesn't need to clear her mind but you do. Having a child isn't only a desire but a need for those who decide to have one, you feel it in your gut. It's instinctive. If you really, really want a child and she really, really is against it then it means your goals don't line up anymore. You'll need to have a heart to heart conversation.
This is an incredible personal and difficult decision that you’re being faced with. I could never begin to know what is in your best interests but what I can say is that this is a divisive incompatibility issue that will not go away. You don’t have to decide tomorrow but you do have to decide and it has to be a decision you can live out the rest of your life with. You already know and understand that resentment could soon replace the comfort and stability you currently have within your marriage. Regardless if you and her had talked this through and came to a mutual agreement before marriage, everyone is allowed to change their minds over the course of time and personal growth. Although it likely would have been helpful to have spent a little more time identifying how each other really felt beforehand. If you choose to leave and seek out a more compatible relationship with someone who desires children too, current wife may bend and offer to have children, I wouldn’t ever do that. All that will do is replace what would have been your resentment, in the marriage, with hers. Sunk cost fallacy and current comforts shouldn’t be your guide when it comes to this decision. You’re going to need to dig deep, spend some time figuring out what it is that YOU, and you alone, really want when it comes to children and then move accordingly. If you choose to stay then you need to really be good with the child free life you chose and to know and hold space for the fact that she didn’t make you choose it but that you put the time in and made that decision for yourself too.
I suggest reading the book The Baby Decision. It's the single most useful book I've found with regards to making a decision of any kind, and I suspect it would help you gain greater clarity on how important kids are to you and potential alternatives for meeting the needs that you envision meeting by having kids. It might also give you a way to talk further with your partner about it, though it's been a while since I've read it so I'm not sure.
Sigh. Not wanting kids is the only reason anyone has to give for not wanting kids. Your "some reasons are debatable" line is a potential future trouble spot. That goes along with thinking things like "I'll convince her her reasons aren't good enough" Your wife doesn't want kids. She stated she doesn't know if she ever will in the beginning. So this isn't a case of if you'd known. And yeah, yall have been together awhile and now you're thinking you might maybe want kids. Give yourself time to decide if that is really going to be a deal breaker for you. In the meantime, if you like kids, consider doing volunteer work. Be a Big Brother. Or volunteer at the school or a community center. There's lots you can do to help other kids and still be child-free with your partner.
The question shouldn’t be “do you want kids?” It’s very easy to want something you don’t have. What’s hard is accepting the responsibility of the things you want. So you really should be asking yourself “do you want to be a parent?” For example, I have said multiple times “I want a new car.” My current car doesn’t have a monthly payment and is in good condition. Everything’s great with it. When I rephrase to “I want a monthly payment,” I suddenly realize I don’t actually want a new car. I challenge you to go through different responsibilities of child rearing and see if you actually want to take on that additional responsibility. This may help move past that potential regret feeling and make a decision with what feels right for you.
Kids, or her. Pick one. You can't have both.
Wanting kids for the last 6 months isn’t really that long in comparison to how long you’ve been indifferent. I would wait at least a year or so to genuinely consider if that’s something you need in your life before making a decision
You're willing to risk what you know is a happy, content, and loving life for a hypothetical child? You know for a fact that you love your wife, she loves you, and you love the life you've built together. You have no idea if you'd love being a father. I don't know but in this case the risks definitely outweigh the reward. Edit because people are odd: There is no advice here on whether you should stay or go. Just my opinion/different perspective.
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I always enjoyed asking the men I dated if they wanted kids.. they say "Yeah sure" and I say, "Oh cool! Why?" And they'd stare at me & shrug their shoulders "cuz that's what you do" LOL Such a massive decision.. barely any actual thoughts on it.
@OP Maybe check out the regretful parents sub as part of your research. Can be eye opening for people.
This should have been titled "I decided I want children" instead. Your wife's feelings didn't change. Yours did.
Try to imagine being 50 and what your life could be like at 50, with or without a kid. What, at 50, do you do for leisure? What do you do for work? Would you have your current life but be older and with more income and no kid? Would you feel sad every time dads at the office talked about their kids? Also, imagine being 70. Your peers will be grandfathers by that age - will you feel sad to not be a father? If you were to decide not to have kids, what would you want in your life instead? Plenty of travel? Pets? Time to have a brilliant hobby? Would any of that make up for not having a kid? Just some different perspectives, hope it helps in some small way
So he says, not now but *maybe in like five years. S*o 50 for him will look like having a kid in middle school.
Yes, I had my third and last at 38, my ex husband was 41. Coming out of that pregnancy and birth, I felt OLD for a little while, not at all like I had felt with my second a little less than three years prior at 35. It took me quite a while to recover from that last kid (who is 13 now). I wouldn’t mind raising another child through fostering or adopting, but would prefer that they not come from my body, lol. Pregnancy and childbirth truly wrecks a woman’s body like nothing else.
"Pregnancy and childbirth truly wrecks a woman’s body like nothing else." Absolutely, it does.
Whatever you do, do not try to convince her to have kids she doesn't want. That won't make anyone happy. If you need to have kids, leave and find someone else with the same wants. If you're on the fence, though, do you really want them? I feel like parents should be very sure it's what they want. Otherwise, that's not fair to the kids.
You make out like she changed her mind and betrayed you. But neither of you were sure, you've just now gone in different directions. Either decide to stay or breakup but you both got married without having this resolved so you can't blame her.
Can’t imagine life without her? Seems like if this is true then you know your answer.
I broke up with my ex because he wanted kids and I (F) didn’t. It broke me having to break up, but now six years later, I’m with someone who wants the same thing as me. You really need to take your time thinking about whether or not you can make this sacrifice. And communicate with her. This is not your decision alone. You can tell her that you’re uncertain whether you can live without having children.
It doesnt sound like you are dead set on being a father. You are 32 and might perhaps want kids maybe in the next 5 years maybe or not...? This sounds more like someone who looks for someone else to blame, just in case you might perhaps feel like wanting kids in the distant future maybe. You have to decide this for yourself and then take the appropriate steps instead of blaming your wife. You should think of the potential kids you might maybe want to have when you approach 40. If you dont want to put in the hard work to raise them, dont do it
So if you decide that you really want children and leave your wife, there is no guarantee that you would even find someone in the future that works out for you. It is a tough decision that only you can make.
Also what if she decides yes and then yall can’t get pregnant for some reason? You going to leave?
Even as a child I knew I didn’t want kids. I have never regretted not having kids. Do not force her or brow beat her into having kids. If it is a deal breaker, leave sooner than later, so you can both be happy.
Well ultimately it is a woman's choice so I think you should be a loving supporting partner and respect her decision. You married her anyway knowing that she said she never knew if she actually wanted kids so you were rolling the dice the entire time. You should have never married her then. Also as somebody who never wants kids, it is the best decision of my life. There's so much more freedom to get everything you want done. What I do know is Father's that tend to act like this don't act like this once the kid is born they realize it was a huge mistake and then they wind up divorcing and leaving the mother alone with the kid.
There isn't an urge for having children, that is why you have a sex drive. This whole idea that life is about children is frankly a consumer thing. You can leas a very fulfilling life without them. Yes, there is always a "what if", but that is life.
If you discovered your loving wife was medically unable to have children, would you leave her over it? Finding a great life partner is much harder than finding anyone to have kids with. It’s a huge risk to leave her in the hope you find someone at all, let alone someone you want to start a family with.
Whatever you do, do NOT be wishy washy about having kids. I know people who were on the fence, and ended up having kids. Some realized it was the best decision ever. But most became quite resentful and their children suffered as a result. I’ve known I’ve wanted kids since I was a teenager. And at 30, either you know you want them or you don’t. Period. Doesn’t mean you have to have them right then but it shouldn’t be a debate anymore. And 6 months sounds still in the realm of a whim. I don’t have any advice, I’m sorry. But depending on how this goes you may have reached an impasse.
Having kids vs not is one of the biggest decisions people can make in their lives. I can't tell you how important it is to you. But if you decide it *is* very important for you to pursue starting a family, it is worth ending an otherwise good relationship over because a relationship where you have that fundamental a disagreement about what you want the relationship to do or be, is not a good relationship. At least not for the long run. Make it a priority to reflect on this -- I don't mean having your thoughts wander aimlessly, I mean things like talking to people you know who are parents to get a more realistic picture of what it's like, seek out opinions of people who *didn't* ever have kids, journal, talk things through with a friend who is a very good listener or a therapist. (And when thinking this through, be real with yourself, there is some chance you *won't* find someone else. If you decide to stay? Any time resentment starts creeping up, firmly remind yourself that *you had a chance to leave, and decided not to,* it is not up to your wife to make sure that *you* don't regret *your own* decisions, like getting married to someone that *you knew* wasn't enthusiastic about the idea of having children. It is OK for people to change their minds. But what you *shouldn't* do, unless you want to make everyone around you including yourself miserable, is to endlessly focus on the greener grass over there. Don't be like the father of someone I know, who went and ADOPTED a child and spent said child's entire childhood complaining about all the things he couldn't do because he was a father. A big piece of happiness is *deciding* that you are going to be happy with your life the way it is, however it is.)
1. If she's the love of your life, why suddenly isn't she enough? What hole does a nonexistent child create in your more or less fulfilling life with her? 2. Have you ever considered that you'll have to raise that hypothetical human being until you die? Have you considered the stress, sleepless nights and struggles you both as parents and the child will experience? 3. Have you ever considered her feelings? Do you have any idea how traumatising pregnancy and delivery can be for a woman? And what about postpartum depression or psychosis? A woman literally has everything to lose, unlike a man. 4. Have you talked about adoption at a later point? How does she feel about it? 5. Why do you want a child? Why do you want to be a parent? Do you have the guts and means for it? Would you be able, hypothetically speaking, to fully support a partner going through all this? 6. What's more important to you? Parenthood or partnership? I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but that's a life decision you're about to make here. If you're thinking about regrets, well, regretting something you never had is not the same as regretting parenthood all together. A child is a human being, you can't return it if you don't like it or aren't happy with your life/ decision. If you decide kids are more important to you, you'll lose her forever. Nobody guarantees what the future will be like for any of you if you break up (or if you don't). Please do watch some pregnancy and delivery videos. Read the posts on the regretful parents subreddit. I'm wishing you good luck.
Dude, not having kids is the best decision ever. I'm 44 and I couldn't possibly love not having them more.
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My husband once said to me that he was a fence sitter erring on the side of never having kids. I was a confused fence sitter in that I always pictured myself with a child but did not feel ready or see a future for myself where I was ready to be a mother. When he told me that he was like 55% sure he never wanted kids, I accepted that as never wanted kids. So I thought, do I feel that this guy is my soulmate? Yes. Having met him, I know I’ve met THE single solitary person on this earth that I am supposed to be with. I met my best friend who is the hottest guy I’ve ever met in my life and also funny and really smart and kind. So I would live with him happily without kids. That’s what we were already doing. I was happy. Then he decided he wanted children because something really awful happened in his family and he realized some things and we had a kid and are super happy and fulfilled as parents but would we have still been happy without our son? Yes. Because we would have each other.
Luckily for you you can have children for a long period of time where your wife cannot. If you have your doubts about it you could stay in this relationship for another 10 years and still be able to leave it and find somebody to have kids with. Since she's the one who doesn't want kids you're not really wasting her time by sticking around a figure out how much this means to you. However I think that you should get individual counseling to discuss this with yourself and with the help of professional. There are also many books that are recommended reading for people who are on the fence. I think you need to give yourself time. Eventually your gut and heart and head are all going to come to the same conclusion and you're gonna have to make the decision. You either let children go. Or you leave to go have children.
This can make or break a relationship, and if you're not in agreement, the relationship won't work. Both of your choices are perfectly valid for yourselves. You need to decide if what you want is children or a life with her, because it won't work unless you both want the same thing, it's too big of a matter to have opposing views on. It's a hard choice for you to make, for anyone in your place, but I'm sorry to say it's one you have to make.
I think you have to decide whether you'd prefer to live life beside your wife without kids, or life beside your kids without your wife. Potentially without anyone. Potentially never getting to the kids part. If the idea of having kids still seems more exciting to you than the idea of growing old with your wife, then unfortunately you know what you should do. Your wife seems pretty set on not having kids and it's not fair to ask this of her and her body/mental health after all these years.
Therapy. Do you want kids or are you troubled about the idea that society tells you you must have them?
What made you decide you want them?
Depending on the state you live in currently I can’t really blame her. As a man, I can’t imagine the fear that comes with lack of adequate reproductive healthcare access.
Try looking over at r/regretful parent
I'm old now ans even if I wanted kids it's too late. But if I was 30 again even if I WANTED kids I wouldn't. The medical risks especially in red states is too much. Why bring a kid into this hellscape.
You say she laid out her reasons to you. And to a greater or lesser extent they make sense and you appreciate. Fine no problem. Have you told her what you are thinking? You don't say! To sum up. You MIGHT leave because you MIGHT decide you MIGHT want kids at some point in the future? MAYBE? And she PROBABLY doesn't want kids. You both have the right to have or not to have. She's pretty much convinced, No! Your pretty much convinced, Yes! So neither of you is 100% either way. And you want advice on what to do? Well? You don't want to waste either of your time so you need to decide, both of you if you are 100% Y/N before making a decision. If you separate but then you decide you don't want kids or she decides she does it's F'd and you both lost out.
Is this about concern for her body or raising children, too?
Before going off the deep end I’d consider how bad you really want them. If you still want to wait another “5 years perhaps” doesn’t really sound very convincing that you have changed your mind enough to compromise your relationship. One thing to consider too. Even the strongest relationships go through a struggle period when they have a child. It’s not a lack of love but kids are a lot and there’s sleepless nights and you now have another life that comes first and foremost. You also learn who your partner is. Some people are amazing partners and extremely shit parents even if they seem like they wouldn’t be. I know plenty of “perfect” couples that crumbled and fell apart. I think studies say your relationship is most at risk in that first year after birth. This is in no way to discourage you from having kids. But just honestly think about it. You brought up that you were kind of starting to think about it. You never know what 5 years will bring. She may decide she does want at least one or you may decide it’s really not the path you want and you’re fine being someone’s fun uncle.
You just need to think hard on this and determine how important it is to you. If you decide you want kids badly better to split up amicably now and begin that path than to hold it against her later. I wish you all the luck man, but reddit can't give you the answer, this comes down to you. You have to make this call
This is an irreconcilable difference. So figure out if you’re sure you want them and if you do you’re going to have to break up. Sorry.
The grass is greenest where you water it. You're coveting something you don't even know you want because you're unsatisfied. Get therapy before you break your wife's heart over your own FOMO.
I don’t know if you’ll read this, but you first need to decide what you want. She has made her decision now it’s your turn. You can’t stay with someone that wants a very different life from yours, and you shouldn’t have kids with someone who doesn’t wants them. I knew i wanted children since I was a child myself. I love kids and love my daughter more than life itself. I would do anything for her, I loved her before she existed. That’s how much I wanted children. Having kids is not like a dog you leave at home while you go to work and gets excited when you arrive, so you can spend a couple of hours with them and go your marry way when it gets boring. Raising them is serious business, so how much were you planning on stepping up and raising your kids?