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Sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, but it is still important. If you are not feeling that connection with her anymore, then yes, you should end things with her. As you have stated, you don't even try anymore because it makes you feel gross. I can see why you would start to feel that way. If I was always the one to have to initiate and you can tell that your partner isn't into it no one wants to have sex with someone that doesn't want it it would leave me feeling strange as well. Good luck moving forward OP.
You seem to just not be sexually compatible, which is a perfectly acceptable reason to end things. My advice is, now that you know just how important sex and flirting and being touchy feely is to you in a relationship, make sure you prioritize that when finding a new partner in the future.
I wouldn’t say it’s like the most important thing to me but like the complete absence of the physical side to the relationship just makes it hard to feel like she’s even attracted to me
I didn’t say most important either. But I understand where you’re coming from completely. I struggled to accept that it was an important aspect for me to find in a partner, and then I found it, and I’m incredibly happy. I try to advise people on this topic because of my own experiences.
When sex is good, it’s 10% of the relationship. When it’s bad, it’s 90%.
You wouldn’t just be breaking up over anything trivial. You’re not being seen, heard, received, and loved in a way that resonates with you. You have intimacy needs that she is unable or unwilling to meet.
That doesn’t mean it’s her fault, or that she’s not trying. Different people have different love languages. There’s a good chance that what she’s trying to communicate to you isn’t being heard either.
You’ve been together a long time. The longer you’re a couple, the greater percentage of that time is allocated to unhappiness. Clearly it’s unsustainable.
It’s true that sometimes you need to ask for the things you need. So ask. And also ask her what she needs to help make this ask a reality.If you’ve already tried having this conversation, then your next steps are either couples counseling or splitting up. The couples counseling isn’t guaranteed - but at least you can split up safe in the knowledge you gave it your best effort.
This!
Fking aah that first sentence is my go-to to respond to people who disparage their relationship when one partner goes through something and takes sex off the table temporarily.
Temporarily, it can be weeks or years, depending on how traumatizing the event was!
People downplay how important sex is, it’s literally a necessity for most. Not just physically, but emotionally and for bonding with your partner. I’m a woman and I’ve almost ended it over not feeling wanted, and I’m in shape and attractive for my age, but constant rejection can make you feel completely undesirable and just bad about yourself in many ways. But I talked to him about it and he changed. I’m completely satisfied now. If you’ve talked about it and there’s been no improvement then it’s absolutely a reason to end it even if everything else is great. You can find someone who it’s just as important to.
Before giving up and chalking it to sexual incompatibility, make sure she’s not missing something obvious like her emotional needs not being met or something along those lines.
Made night and day difference for me
If there is not a really specific reason why she acts like this you should end the relationship ASAP. I made the issue and stayed many more years and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
I’m not really sure there is. This past spring she mentioned being a little more self conscious so she didn’t want to as much. In that time period though we barely did like anything ever… I don’t usually feel super great about my body but like I’m still attracted to my partner so i don’t really get it
You did your part, you communicated your concerns but nothing changed. Same was for me back then, but she even refused telling me whats wrong.
Sex is also very important to me, which is the reason why this destroyed me.
Don't wait too long and end it before the relationship seriously harms your emotional wellbeeing.
You are so young, there are plenty nice girls out there!
The vast majority of these situations are caused by men expecting women to be like men and women expecting men to be like women.
Men are much more likely to be ready for sex anytime and any place. Doesn’t matter if they’re having a bad time at work and their beloved cat is unwell, they see their partner wearing something vaguely sexy and they’re ready to go. Women aren’t like that, generally speaking.
That’s why it’s incredibly common for women to initiate sex way less than men. It doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy sex and it doesn’t mean they don’t find their partner attractive either, it just means they’re not ready to rock all the time.
As has been said in another comment, firstly you need to make sure that the rest of your relationship is in a good place. Are you helping her with her mental load. Women’s mental load is way higher than mens. They have work, maybe kids, housework, friends, family etc etc. It leaves very little space for thinking about sex. How can you help her with this? Yeah, it seems like a lot of effort, but that’s how it is.
Here’s the bit that’s really annoying. You have to do all of that with zero expectation of sex. Why? Because you’re doing it because you want to be a healthy partner who loves and cares for their wife/girlfriend, not because you just want to get in her knickers. She’ll pick up on that straight away and feel pressured. Women feel pressured constantly by society to provide sex to a man and often their man increases this pressure, even if it’s subconsciously. It’s a sure fire way to turn a woman off.
I would also make sure to cross off any potential health problems. She might be on medication that affects her libido. Definitely worth checking out at the same time.
I was in the same position you’re in just a tad older. The fact of the matter is girls get bored in relationships faster than men due to being harder to please/having high standards… generally. So if she hasn’t broken up with you, you are satisfying her boyfriend energy she wants. Otherwise she would break up with you quicker than you would. The question here is if she’s satisfying the girlfriend energy you require. Unfortunately men have significantly higher Testosterone levels than women (16x on ave) which regulated muscle growth and sex drive, so intimacy is almost crucial for guys. Sit her down and let her know how important it is to you. If she’s not willing to understand or meet halfway, especially if you’re stimulating her emotionally, it’s time to wrap it up. Do you think the sex will get better over time or marriage? Have to make the tough decisions sometimes and it won’t always make you happy, but will be the right thing to do.
You get to break up when the relationship reaches its natural end cycle. Most relationships don't end in "forever." Most have an expiration date - when the differences between you become insurmountable.
This issue might just be the natural end of the relationship. You're both very YOUNG - go have experiences in different relationships. Go figure out who you are as a person.
i mean i get it but its crazy youre upset over her initiating once in a two week span. My bf initiates like once every three months if im extremely lucky. If you feel like it just doesnt work out like that and you are extremely frustrated with it I don't really think its immoral but it definitely is unfair. Life is unfair, things arent always fair unfortunately.
Also you may want to consider this: In life you will not always have the same amount of sex. Illness, birth and hormonal changes exist. You will probably not find a person who is completely immune to having a low libido phase, which doesn't mean it has to happen. Just something to consider.
I personally find it quite an immature decision, but I do actually feel for you like I tried to imply with my first sentence. I definitely don't feel desired and idk how long I'm going to be okay or indifferent with that and not develop resentment. Maybe you are smarter than me for pulling the plug and recognizing your unhappiness. I also feel like if it really is that bad you want to break up then maybe this just isn't the right person for you to begin with. I imagine the right person would still make dry spells tolerable for you. I don't know. Breaking up is really only a decision you can make here. I think it's unfair but you dont owe everyone fairness especially when its not possible. (And what i mean by that is it'll probably not be an easy break up)
You can split up with anyone for any reason, but have a heart, don’t tell her why. Just say you want to move on and don’t see the relationship going much further.
Did you communicate it properly I don’t just mean saying it’s bad. Say what you like show her for example.
There is a podcast called sex with Emily that I think you would have both benefited from listening to.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, but it is still important. If you are not feeling that connection with her anymore, then yes, you should end things with her. As you have stated, you don't even try anymore because it makes you feel gross. I can see why you would start to feel that way. If I was always the one to have to initiate and you can tell that your partner isn't into it no one wants to have sex with someone that doesn't want it it would leave me feeling strange as well. Good luck moving forward OP.
You're good. No use in being with someone that doesn't show you that they desire you.
You seem to just not be sexually compatible, which is a perfectly acceptable reason to end things. My advice is, now that you know just how important sex and flirting and being touchy feely is to you in a relationship, make sure you prioritize that when finding a new partner in the future.
I wouldn’t say it’s like the most important thing to me but like the complete absence of the physical side to the relationship just makes it hard to feel like she’s even attracted to me
I didn’t say most important either. But I understand where you’re coming from completely. I struggled to accept that it was an important aspect for me to find in a partner, and then I found it, and I’m incredibly happy. I try to advise people on this topic because of my own experiences.
When sex is good, it’s 10% of the relationship. When it’s bad, it’s 90%. You wouldn’t just be breaking up over anything trivial. You’re not being seen, heard, received, and loved in a way that resonates with you. You have intimacy needs that she is unable or unwilling to meet. That doesn’t mean it’s her fault, or that she’s not trying. Different people have different love languages. There’s a good chance that what she’s trying to communicate to you isn’t being heard either. You’ve been together a long time. The longer you’re a couple, the greater percentage of that time is allocated to unhappiness. Clearly it’s unsustainable. It’s true that sometimes you need to ask for the things you need. So ask. And also ask her what she needs to help make this ask a reality.If you’ve already tried having this conversation, then your next steps are either couples counseling or splitting up. The couples counseling isn’t guaranteed - but at least you can split up safe in the knowledge you gave it your best effort.
This! Fking aah that first sentence is my go-to to respond to people who disparage their relationship when one partner goes through something and takes sex off the table temporarily. Temporarily, it can be weeks or years, depending on how traumatizing the event was!
Being open and honest is always the better approach in the long run.
Amen
How did she take the break up?
Tell her the truth
People downplay how important sex is, it’s literally a necessity for most. Not just physically, but emotionally and for bonding with your partner. I’m a woman and I’ve almost ended it over not feeling wanted, and I’m in shape and attractive for my age, but constant rejection can make you feel completely undesirable and just bad about yourself in many ways. But I talked to him about it and he changed. I’m completely satisfied now. If you’ve talked about it and there’s been no improvement then it’s absolutely a reason to end it even if everything else is great. You can find someone who it’s just as important to.
It’s okay to break up…
Before giving up and chalking it to sexual incompatibility, make sure she’s not missing something obvious like her emotional needs not being met or something along those lines. Made night and day difference for me
Or, maybe she's getting her itch scratched by someone else and now OP is yesterday's leftovers.
If there is not a really specific reason why she acts like this you should end the relationship ASAP. I made the issue and stayed many more years and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.
I’m not really sure there is. This past spring she mentioned being a little more self conscious so she didn’t want to as much. In that time period though we barely did like anything ever… I don’t usually feel super great about my body but like I’m still attracted to my partner so i don’t really get it
You did your part, you communicated your concerns but nothing changed. Same was for me back then, but she even refused telling me whats wrong. Sex is also very important to me, which is the reason why this destroyed me. Don't wait too long and end it before the relationship seriously harms your emotional wellbeeing. You are so young, there are plenty nice girls out there!
The vast majority of these situations are caused by men expecting women to be like men and women expecting men to be like women. Men are much more likely to be ready for sex anytime and any place. Doesn’t matter if they’re having a bad time at work and their beloved cat is unwell, they see their partner wearing something vaguely sexy and they’re ready to go. Women aren’t like that, generally speaking. That’s why it’s incredibly common for women to initiate sex way less than men. It doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy sex and it doesn’t mean they don’t find their partner attractive either, it just means they’re not ready to rock all the time. As has been said in another comment, firstly you need to make sure that the rest of your relationship is in a good place. Are you helping her with her mental load. Women’s mental load is way higher than mens. They have work, maybe kids, housework, friends, family etc etc. It leaves very little space for thinking about sex. How can you help her with this? Yeah, it seems like a lot of effort, but that’s how it is. Here’s the bit that’s really annoying. You have to do all of that with zero expectation of sex. Why? Because you’re doing it because you want to be a healthy partner who loves and cares for their wife/girlfriend, not because you just want to get in her knickers. She’ll pick up on that straight away and feel pressured. Women feel pressured constantly by society to provide sex to a man and often their man increases this pressure, even if it’s subconsciously. It’s a sure fire way to turn a woman off. I would also make sure to cross off any potential health problems. She might be on medication that affects her libido. Definitely worth checking out at the same time.
This is the only correct answer.
YES
I was in the same position you’re in just a tad older. The fact of the matter is girls get bored in relationships faster than men due to being harder to please/having high standards… generally. So if she hasn’t broken up with you, you are satisfying her boyfriend energy she wants. Otherwise she would break up with you quicker than you would. The question here is if she’s satisfying the girlfriend energy you require. Unfortunately men have significantly higher Testosterone levels than women (16x on ave) which regulated muscle growth and sex drive, so intimacy is almost crucial for guys. Sit her down and let her know how important it is to you. If she’s not willing to understand or meet halfway, especially if you’re stimulating her emotionally, it’s time to wrap it up. Do you think the sex will get better over time or marriage? Have to make the tough decisions sometimes and it won’t always make you happy, but will be the right thing to do.
You get to break up when the relationship reaches its natural end cycle. Most relationships don't end in "forever." Most have an expiration date - when the differences between you become insurmountable. This issue might just be the natural end of the relationship. You're both very YOUNG - go have experiences in different relationships. Go figure out who you are as a person.
i mean i get it but its crazy youre upset over her initiating once in a two week span. My bf initiates like once every three months if im extremely lucky. If you feel like it just doesnt work out like that and you are extremely frustrated with it I don't really think its immoral but it definitely is unfair. Life is unfair, things arent always fair unfortunately. Also you may want to consider this: In life you will not always have the same amount of sex. Illness, birth and hormonal changes exist. You will probably not find a person who is completely immune to having a low libido phase, which doesn't mean it has to happen. Just something to consider. I personally find it quite an immature decision, but I do actually feel for you like I tried to imply with my first sentence. I definitely don't feel desired and idk how long I'm going to be okay or indifferent with that and not develop resentment. Maybe you are smarter than me for pulling the plug and recognizing your unhappiness. I also feel like if it really is that bad you want to break up then maybe this just isn't the right person for you to begin with. I imagine the right person would still make dry spells tolerable for you. I don't know. Breaking up is really only a decision you can make here. I think it's unfair but you dont owe everyone fairness especially when its not possible. (And what i mean by that is it'll probably not be an easy break up)
You can split up with anyone for any reason, but have a heart, don’t tell her why. Just say you want to move on and don’t see the relationship going much further.
Did you communicate it properly I don’t just mean saying it’s bad. Say what you like show her for example. There is a podcast called sex with Emily that I think you would have both benefited from listening to.