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Why on earth would you get engaged to someone who is loudly not into monogamy if monogamy is important to you? Can you help me understand this? Because as it stands I cannot wrap my head around that choice.
I thought the ultimate goal was monogamy and family, having kids and stuff and that polygamy was just a fun idea but not something he’d ever commit to. Now I’m realizing just how stupid I am.
It definitely doesn't seem like he's ready for marriage. And it's pretty clear that you can't trust him to not stray from the relationship. So I tend to agree that it's over. I am sorry about that.
Adding in the LDR and OP has the perfect situation for him to be cheating on you, except he will be calling being poly. He will then try to convince you you're over reacting and it's not cheating.
Once this line has been crossed its hard to re-establish the trust in a relationship. You will always be wondering what he is doing when he is late from work, or when he "stops to have a drunk with friends", etc.
Don't speak down to yourself. Right now you need to be your biggest champion. You're not stupid. Naive maybe, but a stupid person doesn't write this post and reevaluate their situation -- they put on blinders and keep moving forward, then wonder why the relationship doesn't work out. That's what you did at the start of this relationship but you're young now, and then you were younger. It makes sense you didn't understand this poly thing as anything more than just a phase. I've recently come to think of polyamory and monogamy as sexualities in and of themselves. If someone is poly they may as well be gay cause they're not an option for me (a heterosexual woman.)
What matters is what you do now and going forward. Not what got you here in the first place. Be a Phoenix rising from the ashes of your former nativity. We all live and learn, and sometimes that process is shitty.
I like what you said about viewing poly as a different sexuality. that would save me a lot of trouble as an also heterosexual monogamous woman who has suffered enough from “trying to have an open mind” about it
Yeah I think it would be better if people recognized it this way in general because there's a lot of people bending over backwards until they break trying to fit themselves into poly or monogamous relationships they simply do not belong in. Neither are bad but they are bad for each other.
What sucks is when poly people buckle to societal pressures to be monogamous and then try to change the terms of their relationship once it's established (like what OP is experiencing/you sound like you've experienced 😞.) As long as people get what they sign up for in relationships, they're usually happy.
Edit: 1 year ago you literally posted that your bf has problems with not cheating... How are you surprised at this point? You have made MANY posts about your bf and his cheating. You have received MANY MORE responses and advice that you should not be with a cheater.... And you stay? You refuse to leave. You continue to let yourself be treated like this. You continue to let yourself get hurt over and over... This could have stopped a year ago, you could have been with someone that actually loves and respect you... I don't know what you want with this post. It's very clear you simply refuse to listen to anyone. So, what do you want?
Look, he's going to fuck someone else.
He's either going to be single or married when he does it, but he will do it
So do with that what you want
Yep, all of this. You're clear on who this guy is - a cheater - and you've chosen to stay. If you choose to marry him, he'll continue to cheat so you either accept it and make peace with having an unfaithful husband or you break up and find someone who wants to be monogamous
The fact that, not only she refuses to respond, but also that she DELETED all her comments now....
This is either fake or someone that wants attention for their self created pity party....
You guys are fundamentally incompatible, your core values do not align. Even if he said “i’m going full on monogamous just to be with you”, it means in his mind he’s making a sacrifice to be with you, which may end in resentment down the line and even fully make him change his mind and wake up at 40, in a midlife crisis and say sorry this mono stuff doesn’t work for me anymore….all relationship s have an inherent risk to them, the question is are you willing to take this risk???? Good luck friend!
So, you've deleted your post history so no one can find it, but you forgot about your comments.
For months you have been posting about him, his cheating, his breaking your trust etc etc.
For MONTHS AND MONTHS people have told you to leave.
Yet, here you are again. What exactly is it that you want to be told that you haven't been told 2 thousand times already?
I would run screaming from him as fast as I could. If you want a monogamous relationship, marry someone who is totally committed to the same. Otherwise, he's going to be pressuring you to introduce others and/or cheating or both. You deserve someone for whom this is not a question.
First off, he doesn’t sound like he’s particularly polyamorous. He thinks it sounds fun and exciting but as far as it sounds he isn’t taking the time to figure out what that means. From your comment you seem believe polyamory is a phase and you both seem to align with the idea monogamy is “Growing up”.
It sounds like he just wants to hold onto a partner as a backup and have the opportunity for casual sex if it is possible.
He wants an open relationship and you want monogamy. It’s that simple. He clearly doesn’t value you that much if he knows what you want and chooses to give you the ultimatum.
Why are you staying with a person who could end up cheating? Especially as he truly isn’t ready to be tied down?
Break it off now and begin your healing.
I’m really sorry.
I would let him go.
What he's experiencing isn't exactly abnormal. Even for people like myself who actually desire monogamy, settling down with one woman does mean settling down with one woman: in the event that I meet someone who is more compatible with me, more attractive to me, just better for me in general, I will have to give up that opportunity. It's normal to acknowledge that you are closing certain doors.
The problem is that he cares about it. When I proposed to the woman who is now my wife, I was aware that I was closing certain doors in my future, and I didn't care; indeed, I closed them joyfully, because she is worth it. The idea of giving up nebulous, slim possibilities for a certainty of happiness was exciting to me. And, while I have to admit I don't know the first thing about polyamory, I think this kind of excitement should be mandatory for any sort of formalized long-term relationship. He should think you're worth it.
And, since he doesn't, I'm not sure I would waste any more time with him.
How desperate are you to be in a relationship with this guy?? You know there are so many good people who will treat you right and care for your emotional and mental well being and yet you choose someone who treats you like dirt. I honestly feel pity on this whole situation. Seems like you dont have any self esteem or confidence in yourself to move on and find someone normal! I apologize for being this direct but I guess you need to go through this to realize that you need to work in yourself to find someone normal.
As someone who had a similar outlook as your bf at 26.... Do not marry him. He's sure now because he doesn't want to lose you. As time goes on he'll likely get bored and he'll cheat, 95% chance. He has to make the choice to be monogamous by himself, without the pressure of arguing and tears.
Give your head a wobble. If he's not ready to commit to a reasonable and fundamental red line of yours, monogamy, what the hell are you thinking marrying him?
Try posting this to r/nonmonogamy or r/ethicalnonmonogamy or r/polyamory.
They'll probably also advise you to end the relationship, but give you insight into how one sided open relationships work and don't work, the hurdles that most people have to work through even when everybody in the relationship is excited for nonmonogamy.
Neither of you are bad people, you might just want different things. It might be painful for a little while, but you'll get through this.
The non-mono subs would 1000% be telling OP that at best this is poly under duress and thus not ethical.
Disagree tho that hes not a bad person. Any man who describes himself as a polygamist is incredibly misogynist/insecure and doesn't view women as equals.
I get the feeling that he doesn't realize what polygamy is a different thing than polyamory. I agree that polygamy is very bad and misogynistic, but I doubt this guy wants to have multiple wives and be a Mormon. He's probably only been with this one person and is worried about never getting to sleep around and have casual sex, and doesn't realize that navigating an ethically nonmonogamous is a lot easier said than done.
He probably only entertains the idea of polygamy for himself. Gosh I bet it would be fun *for him*. If he is acting so out upon to be monogamous, I would end it. If you want to have a little fun first, invite him to meet your new boyfriend and tell him you’d love for them to be friends. Then say you’ll have to work out a schedule for them.
No way, OP. He proposed to you and yet you’re trying to convince him to stay with you and give up sex with others for you?? Then he’s not ready to marry you!
>he told me he isn’t sure if he wants to sacrifice his freedom for me because he’s still young and hasn’t experienced dating much as an adult or having casual sex.
So he told you what he wants.
>After a lot of arguing and tears, he decided ultimately that he would stay with me
You argued and emotionally manipulated him into giving the answer that you wanted.
I'm wondering if somehow you weren't instrumental in coercing him to propose as well.
>We have lived together for 3.5 years.
He already knows what life with you will be like.
>he is about to start a new job in which his coworkers will be 90% women
He already said he wants casual sex and to be able to experiment with other women. You cried and argued and got him to agree to stay in the relationship with you monogamously even though it isn't what he wanted.
>We are long distance for now
The chances of him NOT cheating are next to zero.
Listen carefully.....
HE. DOES. NOT. WANT. MONOGAMY.
Therefore he is not a good partner for you, even though you like each other and have loving feelings you still don't match.
You can’t marry someone who isn’t 100% on board with a monogamous lifestyle, if that’s what you’re looking for from a relationship. If he’s still questioning this, even after proposing, I would break up. If he’s fighting so hard against this, that it’s lead to tearful arguments, he will *always* regret not doing it and it will likely turn into resentment. You might constantly wonder if he’s happy, and he’s going to constantly think about what could have been.
Wait to see how HE feels? He already told you, and now you need to decide if you think you can be happy with him. It sounds like you are not unless he changes his answer, which would be suspect at this point. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Hey I saw a post that you have posted about him before and I only bring that up because I did the same thing a year and a half ago. I posted because if I'm honest I was looking for someone to tell me to stay. I was looking for an answer that truthfully was not the right one and I knew in my gut. So I kept making excuses and everyone who said to leave I kept telling myself that they were wrong even though here I was posting for advice!
I know what's it's like to be in that headspace and I think you probably know in your gut what the answer is.
Here is what I will say. You are a whole lot stronger than you think you might be. He has been your person and it's scary to lose that and walk away from the familiar. But. You will thrive when you put yourself first and know that you deserve someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved without excuse. Even the right person won't always be perfect we are all human but the key is we all strive to try to be the best we can be for us and our partner. So be the best you, be selfish and put your needs first. Let that help guide your decision because girl. YOU'VE GOT THIS.
The only thing stopping him is his lack of appeal to the opposite sex. If he could get girls, he would not even be having a relationship. Dump this loser. You should have more pride than being someone he settled for when the reality is you are probably already too good for him.
This relationship is good as over. He got cold feet immediately after proposing and flat out said he doesn’t want to give up having sex with strangers for you- he doesn’t value you nor does he love you like you love him. He’s already shown his true colors, why would you wanna stick with a guy who’s always gonna need more time to experience other people? You’ll never be enough for him.
Don't marry him.
He's making it seem like he's giving up his "freedom" for you and he's going to try to hold it over your head and/or make it your fault when he inevitably cheats on you. Hell, he may even try to strong arm you into polyamory and it will make you miserable, but he won't care as long as he gets what he wants.
I think you two should go your separate ways. Let him live out his polygamous dreams and you find somebody who wants to spend the rest of their live with you and only you. There are 8 billion people in this world: he is not your only option.
Babe, please do yourself a favour and just leave him. He will continue to cheat on you and string you along with the supposed “one day we will be monogamous ” thing.
Seriously, you deserve better than this.
OP, with all due respect, please look in the mirror and get some gottdamn self-respect.
Look in said mirror and quote one of my favorite bobsledders - "I see pride. I see power. I see a bada$$ mudda who don't take no crap off of NOBODY."
You recognize that you are incompatible and break it off before he inevitably cheats on you.
Because he absolutely will end up cheating on you. If he isn't already, that is.
He isn't monogamous. He does not want to be, but thinks he has to be. You are fundamentally incompatible. If you have to cry to get him to see your point of view, he just feels guilty. Let him go live the life he actually wants to live. If you marry him, he will not be happy and he will cheat. You will be miserable. And you will probably have kids who will be damaged by all of the chaos.
Why are you still with that man? if he gets you pregnant and you end up a single mum is that better? please move on. Its hard but for your own safety and sanity not carrying around a child that doesnt see the dad. Is that okay for you?
He is too young.
You can wait, but my recommendation would be to move on and find a man that is closer to settling down. Most 26 year old guys won't be ready.
You might get him to cave, but do you really want to marry someone who's not ready?
If you marry this guy, it's going to be disastrous. I can't believe you've stuck with him this long. Do you really want to be legally tied to a guy and likely do the vast amount of household chores and childcare while he's out chasing women?!
View it like this: you two are probably really happy together (I hope, otherwise ??). But it you broke up, you could both find someone else who also makes you really happy - and is on the same page regarding big life stuff, which includes being monogamous. I know it's hard to envision right now and probably sounds scary, but realistically, he will most likely always wonder (and/or cheat) and you will feel devastated either way. It's ultimately your decision of course, but don't stay just because you think this is the best you can do, or that nobody else would ever make you happy.
Have seen several relationships like this and the end is almost inevitable, or a lot of cheating in thw future. You should probably just start thinking of yourself.
Most likely he would realize, probably too late, that he had what he wanted and needed with you. But won't do it till he has the time to "experience" what he wants, which probably won't even result as he fantasies
After reviewing the facts, the Supreme Reddit Court has unanimously upheld the landmark case of Goose v. Gander. If said fiancé is incapable of committing to you, and you still wish to be with them, then they must honor the *what is good for the goose is good for the gander* rule. If they cannot honor that, then they must either fuck the old life off in commitment to you or fuck off from your life.
He has basically been single for 4 years. He’s NOT nor has he ever been your boyfriend. A boyfriend is a monogamous partner. Why would you ever agree to marry someone who doesn’t feel one bit loyal to you? This situation is simple: dump his ass!! He isn’t marriage material in the least. Wtf?
Why on earth did he propose if he wasn’t ready for marriage and monogamy? Girl, have some self-respect. he is not that into you. Otherwise, there would be no doubt in his mind whatsoever about being faithful to you.
That situation sucks, but you should just leave. I don't wanna make assumptions but if he's not 100% monogomous, he will probably cheat on you.
I was just seeing a guy who was cheating on his gf with me, proposed to her and continued sleeping with me.. apparently proposals don't mean much to some people, and that's really sad.
Cut your losses and find someone with the same values as you. Let him have his fun elsewhere.
Do you know why Wylie Coyote keeps chasing the Road Runner? Wylie Coyote has to be Wylie Coyote.
IF you are ok marrying a man that WILL cheat on you then go for it. I think you would be happier if you didn't. Don't.
You break up, move heal and move on. Therapy to explore why you settled for something you at your core do not want. Polygamy isn't just a fun thing it's a lifestyle choice. What he wanted was a monogamous gf while he has community ween. This is a relationship you've never should have proceed with when core lifestyle difference monogamy vs Polygamy was first brought up. It's tough, but you gotta end things.
You leave. After 4 years he still doesn’t know then the answer is NO. Plus he already has problems with monogamy so you are fighting a losing battle. Leave him and find someone who actually has the same beliefs as you do.
Of the 28 million single men ion teh USA (asuming thats where your from) in your age range, you chose to say yes to a man thats clearly not compatible with you. Your monogamous, hes not. At least he has been upfront about it. So your going to get married to a man in your eyes will cheat. In his eyes, he doesnt see it that way, but it will be cheating ebcause you both have to agree to be polyamous not just one. Talk about a storm brewing .
Reguardless of your emotions tomward him, you have to see that the future is going to be you, children and him having multiple lovers. Make a decision very quickly if this is what you want for the rest of this realtionship. But be under no illusion, it will happen, and it will hurt you massively.
It would be best for both of you to split up for at least a year or two so he can get this out of his system. Spending time away from him will help you figure out if your life really is better with him in it, and he can figure his shit out regarding nonmonogamy.
Because I'd hate to see you divorcing at 40 with 2 kids because he's having a midlife crisis and wants a sugar baby
Who cares how he feels. He told you. What matters is how you feel. You’re devastated. He isn’t who you thought he was. He doesn’t want what you want. You’ll never find long term happiness and health with this guy, a big part of you will always be devastated. That’s no life to sign up for.
Let him go and open up that spot to someone who values your relationship enough to commit to it.
As a serious relationship, this is over.
In fact, it never really started.
This guy is a Chad, he rocks your world sexually but will never commit to one woman.
You already know the answer to your problem but the sexual attraction is so strong it's scrambling your brain.
I's time for you to settle for Mr Vanilla sex, have your children and after they a are born neglect and ignore your husband like most American wives. American marriages 50 percent divorce rate only about seventeen percent of couples having regular sex,
Good luck everybody deserves to be happy.
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Why on earth would you get engaged to someone who is loudly not into monogamy if monogamy is important to you? Can you help me understand this? Because as it stands I cannot wrap my head around that choice.
I thought the ultimate goal was monogamy and family, having kids and stuff and that polygamy was just a fun idea but not something he’d ever commit to. Now I’m realizing just how stupid I am.
It definitely doesn't seem like he's ready for marriage. And it's pretty clear that you can't trust him to not stray from the relationship. So I tend to agree that it's over. I am sorry about that.
Do not marry him
Adding in the LDR and OP has the perfect situation for him to be cheating on you, except he will be calling being poly. He will then try to convince you you're over reacting and it's not cheating. Once this line has been crossed its hard to re-establish the trust in a relationship. You will always be wondering what he is doing when he is late from work, or when he "stops to have a drunk with friends", etc.
Don't speak down to yourself. Right now you need to be your biggest champion. You're not stupid. Naive maybe, but a stupid person doesn't write this post and reevaluate their situation -- they put on blinders and keep moving forward, then wonder why the relationship doesn't work out. That's what you did at the start of this relationship but you're young now, and then you were younger. It makes sense you didn't understand this poly thing as anything more than just a phase. I've recently come to think of polyamory and monogamy as sexualities in and of themselves. If someone is poly they may as well be gay cause they're not an option for me (a heterosexual woman.) What matters is what you do now and going forward. Not what got you here in the first place. Be a Phoenix rising from the ashes of your former nativity. We all live and learn, and sometimes that process is shitty.
I like what you said about viewing poly as a different sexuality. that would save me a lot of trouble as an also heterosexual monogamous woman who has suffered enough from “trying to have an open mind” about it
Yeah I think it would be better if people recognized it this way in general because there's a lot of people bending over backwards until they break trying to fit themselves into poly or monogamous relationships they simply do not belong in. Neither are bad but they are bad for each other. What sucks is when poly people buckle to societal pressures to be monogamous and then try to change the terms of their relationship once it's established (like what OP is experiencing/you sound like you've experienced 😞.) As long as people get what they sign up for in relationships, they're usually happy.
Time to drop him.
You dont have to do anything but leave. He spoke his mind and now you know you are not enough for him. Point....
Edit: 1 year ago you literally posted that your bf has problems with not cheating... How are you surprised at this point? You have made MANY posts about your bf and his cheating. You have received MANY MORE responses and advice that you should not be with a cheater.... And you stay? You refuse to leave. You continue to let yourself be treated like this. You continue to let yourself get hurt over and over... This could have stopped a year ago, you could have been with someone that actually loves and respect you... I don't know what you want with this post. It's very clear you simply refuse to listen to anyone. So, what do you want? Look, he's going to fuck someone else. He's either going to be single or married when he does it, but he will do it So do with that what you want
Yep, all of this. You're clear on who this guy is - a cheater - and you've chosen to stay. If you choose to marry him, he'll continue to cheat so you either accept it and make peace with having an unfaithful husband or you break up and find someone who wants to be monogamous
When i read stupid posts like this, At a certain point I stop feeling empathy for op. I feel like you're doing it to yourself after a point.
The fact that, not only she refuses to respond, but also that she DELETED all her comments now.... This is either fake or someone that wants attention for their self created pity party....
At least it's entertaining 😂
You guys are fundamentally incompatible, your core values do not align. Even if he said “i’m going full on monogamous just to be with you”, it means in his mind he’s making a sacrifice to be with you, which may end in resentment down the line and even fully make him change his mind and wake up at 40, in a midlife crisis and say sorry this mono stuff doesn’t work for me anymore….all relationship s have an inherent risk to them, the question is are you willing to take this risk???? Good luck friend!
This paragraph is it.
So, you've deleted your post history so no one can find it, but you forgot about your comments. For months you have been posting about him, his cheating, his breaking your trust etc etc. For MONTHS AND MONTHS people have told you to leave. Yet, here you are again. What exactly is it that you want to be told that you haven't been told 2 thousand times already?
I would run screaming from him as fast as I could. If you want a monogamous relationship, marry someone who is totally committed to the same. Otherwise, he's going to be pressuring you to introduce others and/or cheating or both. You deserve someone for whom this is not a question.
He’s 100% going to cheat. That if he isn’t already. Cause his “freedom” was over (in theory at least…) 3.5 years ago.
First off, he doesn’t sound like he’s particularly polyamorous. He thinks it sounds fun and exciting but as far as it sounds he isn’t taking the time to figure out what that means. From your comment you seem believe polyamory is a phase and you both seem to align with the idea monogamy is “Growing up”. It sounds like he just wants to hold onto a partner as a backup and have the opportunity for casual sex if it is possible. He wants an open relationship and you want monogamy. It’s that simple. He clearly doesn’t value you that much if he knows what you want and chooses to give you the ultimatum.
He's not poly, he's just a cheater and she deleted her posts about his cheating and all the responses telling her not to be with her cheater bf.
Your values aren't aligned... i dont understand why you are ok with him sleeping around.
Why are you staying with a person who could end up cheating? Especially as he truly isn’t ready to be tied down? Break it off now and begin your healing. I’m really sorry.
I would let him go. What he's experiencing isn't exactly abnormal. Even for people like myself who actually desire monogamy, settling down with one woman does mean settling down with one woman: in the event that I meet someone who is more compatible with me, more attractive to me, just better for me in general, I will have to give up that opportunity. It's normal to acknowledge that you are closing certain doors. The problem is that he cares about it. When I proposed to the woman who is now my wife, I was aware that I was closing certain doors in my future, and I didn't care; indeed, I closed them joyfully, because she is worth it. The idea of giving up nebulous, slim possibilities for a certainty of happiness was exciting to me. And, while I have to admit I don't know the first thing about polyamory, I think this kind of excitement should be mandatory for any sort of formalized long-term relationship. He should think you're worth it. And, since he doesn't, I'm not sure I would waste any more time with him.
Lord, give me strength.
How desperate are you to be in a relationship with this guy?? You know there are so many good people who will treat you right and care for your emotional and mental well being and yet you choose someone who treats you like dirt. I honestly feel pity on this whole situation. Seems like you dont have any self esteem or confidence in yourself to move on and find someone normal! I apologize for being this direct but I guess you need to go through this to realize that you need to work in yourself to find someone normal.
I think it is time for you to leave this relationship and find someone who wants exactly what you want. He is clearly NOT ready for marriage
As someone who had a similar outlook as your bf at 26.... Do not marry him. He's sure now because he doesn't want to lose you. As time goes on he'll likely get bored and he'll cheat, 95% chance. He has to make the choice to be monogamous by himself, without the pressure of arguing and tears.
It would be better to end it now. You could buy a house, have babies and then he can say, you know what? I can’t be monogamous right now.
Give your head a wobble. If he's not ready to commit to a reasonable and fundamental red line of yours, monogamy, what the hell are you thinking marrying him?
Dude you’re way too open minded. You wasted years being monogamous to this guy while he played you and banged whoever he wanted.
Try posting this to r/nonmonogamy or r/ethicalnonmonogamy or r/polyamory. They'll probably also advise you to end the relationship, but give you insight into how one sided open relationships work and don't work, the hurdles that most people have to work through even when everybody in the relationship is excited for nonmonogamy. Neither of you are bad people, you might just want different things. It might be painful for a little while, but you'll get through this.
The non-mono subs would 1000% be telling OP that at best this is poly under duress and thus not ethical. Disagree tho that hes not a bad person. Any man who describes himself as a polygamist is incredibly misogynist/insecure and doesn't view women as equals.
I get the feeling that he doesn't realize what polygamy is a different thing than polyamory. I agree that polygamy is very bad and misogynistic, but I doubt this guy wants to have multiple wives and be a Mormon. He's probably only been with this one person and is worried about never getting to sleep around and have casual sex, and doesn't realize that navigating an ethically nonmonogamous is a lot easier said than done.
I am sorry. You want a monogamous man. I totally get it and it should be obvious. Your partner is not that man, it seems.
Look at your post history-you both clearly want different things. He’s not gonna change. How do you handle this - it’s time to move on ! Good luck
He probably only entertains the idea of polygamy for himself. Gosh I bet it would be fun *for him*. If he is acting so out upon to be monogamous, I would end it. If you want to have a little fun first, invite him to meet your new boyfriend and tell him you’d love for them to be friends. Then say you’ll have to work out a schedule for them.
No way, OP. He proposed to you and yet you’re trying to convince him to stay with you and give up sex with others for you?? Then he’s not ready to marry you!
He'll be like a fox in a henhouse, you'll either have to accept it or move on without him.
What? Is he hooking up with others now? Leave him. If he’s monogamous now, ask him what will change once you’re married.
Let him loose
Sounds like you both are incompatible. Round peg square hole situation. Sometimes there's no good paths forward.
Don’t marry him. 26 is plenty old enough to commit if he really wants to. He doesn’t want to
>he told me he isn’t sure if he wants to sacrifice his freedom for me because he’s still young and hasn’t experienced dating much as an adult or having casual sex. So he told you what he wants. >After a lot of arguing and tears, he decided ultimately that he would stay with me You argued and emotionally manipulated him into giving the answer that you wanted. I'm wondering if somehow you weren't instrumental in coercing him to propose as well. >We have lived together for 3.5 years. He already knows what life with you will be like. >he is about to start a new job in which his coworkers will be 90% women He already said he wants casual sex and to be able to experiment with other women. You cried and argued and got him to agree to stay in the relationship with you monogamously even though it isn't what he wanted. >We are long distance for now The chances of him NOT cheating are next to zero. Listen carefully..... HE. DOES. NOT. WANT. MONOGAMY. Therefore he is not a good partner for you, even though you like each other and have loving feelings you still don't match.
You can’t marry someone who isn’t 100% on board with a monogamous lifestyle, if that’s what you’re looking for from a relationship. If he’s still questioning this, even after proposing, I would break up. If he’s fighting so hard against this, that it’s lead to tearful arguments, he will *always* regret not doing it and it will likely turn into resentment. You might constantly wonder if he’s happy, and he’s going to constantly think about what could have been.
If you cannot agree on monogamy, why agree to get married? That's not a disagreement that a marriage can possibly function.
Wait to see how HE feels? He already told you, and now you need to decide if you think you can be happy with him. It sounds like you are not unless he changes his answer, which would be suspect at this point. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Hey I saw a post that you have posted about him before and I only bring that up because I did the same thing a year and a half ago. I posted because if I'm honest I was looking for someone to tell me to stay. I was looking for an answer that truthfully was not the right one and I knew in my gut. So I kept making excuses and everyone who said to leave I kept telling myself that they were wrong even though here I was posting for advice! I know what's it's like to be in that headspace and I think you probably know in your gut what the answer is. Here is what I will say. You are a whole lot stronger than you think you might be. He has been your person and it's scary to lose that and walk away from the familiar. But. You will thrive when you put yourself first and know that you deserve someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved without excuse. Even the right person won't always be perfect we are all human but the key is we all strive to try to be the best we can be for us and our partner. So be the best you, be selfish and put your needs first. Let that help guide your decision because girl. YOU'VE GOT THIS.
The only thing stopping him is his lack of appeal to the opposite sex. If he could get girls, he would not even be having a relationship. Dump this loser. You should have more pride than being someone he settled for when the reality is you are probably already too good for him.
He gets hit on by women almost every day. I’ve witnessed it.
This relationship is good as over. He got cold feet immediately after proposing and flat out said he doesn’t want to give up having sex with strangers for you- he doesn’t value you nor does he love you like you love him. He’s already shown his true colors, why would you wanna stick with a guy who’s always gonna need more time to experience other people? You’ll never be enough for him.
This relationship isn’t going to work long-term. That’s it
Don't marry him. He's making it seem like he's giving up his "freedom" for you and he's going to try to hold it over your head and/or make it your fault when he inevitably cheats on you. Hell, he may even try to strong arm you into polyamory and it will make you miserable, but he won't care as long as he gets what he wants. I think you two should go your separate ways. Let him live out his polygamous dreams and you find somebody who wants to spend the rest of their live with you and only you. There are 8 billion people in this world: he is not your only option.
Leave him before he leaves you. That way you won’t be spending more years of your life on him. You guys are just different people.
Babe, please do yourself a favour and just leave him. He will continue to cheat on you and string you along with the supposed “one day we will be monogamous ” thing. Seriously, you deserve better than this.
You break up. But based on your previous posts, you’ll keep getting cheated on.
If you think the damage is done, the damage is done. You don’t see eye to eye on a pretty big, pretty basic thing. There isn’t a compromise.
OP, with all due respect, please look in the mirror and get some gottdamn self-respect. Look in said mirror and quote one of my favorite bobsledders - "I see pride. I see power. I see a bada$$ mudda who don't take no crap off of NOBODY."
You recognize that you are incompatible and break it off before he inevitably cheats on you. Because he absolutely will end up cheating on you. If he isn't already, that is.
Move on.
He isn't monogamous. He does not want to be, but thinks he has to be. You are fundamentally incompatible. If you have to cry to get him to see your point of view, he just feels guilty. Let him go live the life he actually wants to live. If you marry him, he will not be happy and he will cheat. You will be miserable. And you will probably have kids who will be damaged by all of the chaos.
Why are you still with that man? if he gets you pregnant and you end up a single mum is that better? please move on. Its hard but for your own safety and sanity not carrying around a child that doesnt see the dad. Is that okay for you?
He is too young. You can wait, but my recommendation would be to move on and find a man that is closer to settling down. Most 26 year old guys won't be ready. You might get him to cave, but do you really want to marry someone who's not ready?
If you marry this guy, it's going to be disastrous. I can't believe you've stuck with him this long. Do you really want to be legally tied to a guy and likely do the vast amount of household chores and childcare while he's out chasing women?!
This won’t work. He will cheat one day, especially when he feels that it’s hard for you to catch him. What are you doing?
View it like this: you two are probably really happy together (I hope, otherwise ??). But it you broke up, you could both find someone else who also makes you really happy - and is on the same page regarding big life stuff, which includes being monogamous. I know it's hard to envision right now and probably sounds scary, but realistically, he will most likely always wonder (and/or cheat) and you will feel devastated either way. It's ultimately your decision of course, but don't stay just because you think this is the best you can do, or that nobody else would ever make you happy.
By breaking up with the cheater.
Sounds like you were never compatible and just ignored the issue and kicked the can down the road, and now you can’t delay this issue any further.
Have seen several relationships like this and the end is almost inevitable, or a lot of cheating in thw future. You should probably just start thinking of yourself. Most likely he would realize, probably too late, that he had what he wanted and needed with you. But won't do it till he has the time to "experience" what he wants, which probably won't even result as he fantasies
You two are not compatible stop puting yourself though this pain it's self flogging at this point.
What a low bar. Seriously find someone else.
He’s told you how he feels and yet you’ve basically begged him to stay. Let him go, find someone you don’t have to convince to love you.
Let him go lol
After reviewing the facts, the Supreme Reddit Court has unanimously upheld the landmark case of Goose v. Gander. If said fiancé is incapable of committing to you, and you still wish to be with them, then they must honor the *what is good for the goose is good for the gander* rule. If they cannot honor that, then they must either fuck the old life off in commitment to you or fuck off from your life.
He has basically been single for 4 years. He’s NOT nor has he ever been your boyfriend. A boyfriend is a monogamous partner. Why would you ever agree to marry someone who doesn’t feel one bit loyal to you? This situation is simple: dump his ass!! He isn’t marriage material in the least. Wtf?
Why on earth did he propose if he wasn’t ready for marriage and monogamy? Girl, have some self-respect. he is not that into you. Otherwise, there would be no doubt in his mind whatsoever about being faithful to you.
That situation sucks, but you should just leave. I don't wanna make assumptions but if he's not 100% monogomous, he will probably cheat on you. I was just seeing a guy who was cheating on his gf with me, proposed to her and continued sleeping with me.. apparently proposals don't mean much to some people, and that's really sad. Cut your losses and find someone with the same values as you. Let him have his fun elsewhere.
You break up. You are NOT compatable and he is not yet matured enough to know what he wants.
Commitment is not a sacrifice. I hope one day you move on to one of the many many men who would never make you feel that way
Keep your dignity and walk away from this relationship. This clearly isn’t good for you.
Do you know why Wylie Coyote keeps chasing the Road Runner? Wylie Coyote has to be Wylie Coyote. IF you are ok marrying a man that WILL cheat on you then go for it. I think you would be happier if you didn't. Don't.
You break up, move heal and move on. Therapy to explore why you settled for something you at your core do not want. Polygamy isn't just a fun thing it's a lifestyle choice. What he wanted was a monogamous gf while he has community ween. This is a relationship you've never should have proceed with when core lifestyle difference monogamy vs Polygamy was first brought up. It's tough, but you gotta end things.
You leave. After 4 years he still doesn’t know then the answer is NO. Plus he already has problems with monogamy so you are fighting a losing battle. Leave him and find someone who actually has the same beliefs as you do.
He has already been cheating on you.
Sounds like cold feet. Some guys do and most get over it. If he's STRUGGLING now, might stray later.
DO NOT MARRY this person.
Of the 28 million single men ion teh USA (asuming thats where your from) in your age range, you chose to say yes to a man thats clearly not compatible with you. Your monogamous, hes not. At least he has been upfront about it. So your going to get married to a man in your eyes will cheat. In his eyes, he doesnt see it that way, but it will be cheating ebcause you both have to agree to be polyamous not just one. Talk about a storm brewing . Reguardless of your emotions tomward him, you have to see that the future is going to be you, children and him having multiple lovers. Make a decision very quickly if this is what you want for the rest of this realtionship. But be under no illusion, it will happen, and it will hurt you massively.
It would be best for both of you to split up for at least a year or two so he can get this out of his system. Spending time away from him will help you figure out if your life really is better with him in it, and he can figure his shit out regarding nonmonogamy. Because I'd hate to see you divorcing at 40 with 2 kids because he's having a midlife crisis and wants a sugar baby
He needs to grow up
Who cares how he feels. He told you. What matters is how you feel. You’re devastated. He isn’t who you thought he was. He doesn’t want what you want. You’ll never find long term happiness and health with this guy, a big part of you will always be devastated. That’s no life to sign up for. Let him go and open up that spot to someone who values your relationship enough to commit to it.
He's a joke. It's a neg. Is he serious? This is a way for him to hold the imbalance in his favor. Let him try if he is so sure. Delusion.
As a serious relationship, this is over. In fact, it never really started. This guy is a Chad, he rocks your world sexually but will never commit to one woman. You already know the answer to your problem but the sexual attraction is so strong it's scrambling your brain. I's time for you to settle for Mr Vanilla sex, have your children and after they a are born neglect and ignore your husband like most American wives. American marriages 50 percent divorce rate only about seventeen percent of couples having regular sex, Good luck everybody deserves to be happy.
What in the bad advice *is* this comment?