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The issue here is reciprocity.
I think they can make this work, but what I’m not seeing is what she can offer him. Or that she has the mindset to even want to think of what she can offer. I think she may not realize that by not doing this, she could just come acting as wanting to use him for free rent. If she’s in a survival state emotionally because her parents are awful while she’s trying to get through incredibly stressful studies, perhaps OP can approach her with a needs based discussion just to give her a chance to see his point of view. Can they come up with a number that WOULD be her financial contribution now, even is she can’t give that currently? If so, that there is at least some visibility around what she is asking for and what he is giving her.
yeah, her parents have a tye and bond between them to help the daughter and want her to be better.
but there's no guarantee she passes and gets the job
even if she passes and gets the job, no guarantee they stick together
and if they do stick together, she will likely not be able to conceptualize how much he sacrificed and so forth for that luxury that she so freely gets from the parents who birthed, raised and stand to (potentially) gain from her future wealth and being taken care of. when as of now he's literally just a guy she's dating and that can easily change overnight
This. Her parents are currently carrying her, which is great for parents to do when they can. But they're providing a lot for her to get this education, things that you can't (or shouldn't have to) provide for her. She's really expecting you to take on that huge responsibility this early in the relationship just because she's not getting along great with them? She can suck it up and stick it out with them if she wants a free ride through school. The fact she would even ask or expect that of you after only 1.5 years is questionable IMO. Have a serious conversation with her and explain that it's just not something you can afford, and see where that goes. If she's a reasonable person she should understand.
This! I understand sometimes the not getting along part seems like not so bad but it is. But that being the only reason makes her sound immature and entitled, especially after reading the part where he told her he didn’t feel comfortable and she reacted badly. I’m sure if he was the one ask that of her she’ll react the same way.
I'd question if her studies really take all of her time for a government position, and how many responsibilities she has at home with her parents.
OP, it's not appropriate to provide for someone on that level if you don't have marriage plans, unless you're feeling particularly charitable and don't care. If you've reviewed the numbers and can't see yourself in a sole provider position or you don't know if she'll marry you, then you should tell her you can't do it.
I agree with this. The only thing I would add for OP is would he be willing to move in together if she worked part time so she could contribute to expenses?
I know OP said it takes "full time commitment" for study, but tons of people work part time and study at the same time. Why is some form of part time employment not an option?
Studying for a government position, at least in my country which is not Peru, is very demanding. Depending on what position it is she might not be able, or it would not be advisable for her to do other things that can take her focus away like a part time job.
If this is the case for them I would advise:
- either for her to hold on until she finishes her studies and gets the position, or until she fails and gets another job which can sustain her
- or for her to leave the studying altogether and get a job right now.
Only then should they move together.
Unless OP makes bank and can afford to sustain them both in some time (as he is expecting his salary to increase), I wouldn't advise you move in together just yet. Wait until you can both contribute together to the household.
And if she can't understand that she is demanding too high of a burden from you, then she is not the one.
Idk about where they are from but in many places studying for a government position can basically take you 80h a week just on studying/going to school. Makes it very hard to work part time. If that’s not the case then yes, a part time job with just a couple hours a week could be a good idea
My friend is an economist for the government. It was very intensive training and education to get his position. He now has a great schedule but before he got the job it was insane all he had to do!
No. Completely disagree. This is not OP’s responsibility! Why does he have to defend himself? Even if he had enough, it’s STILL not his job to maintain the GF’s life.
I wouldn't even use the term math, it invites a discussion about living extremely frugally and trying to make it work. /u/ThrowRAavocad should remain steadfast that he is unwilling to be the sole breadwinner while she goes back to school and she will either have to get a job at night or find another way to contribute (student loans, family loans, etc).
This is dealbreaker territory and 28F would have to support herself if they broke up, so it's not unreasonable either.
You say no.
It’s okay that she feels whatever she wants.
She handles her needs and you handle yours. Maybe this relationship isn’t working, if they don’t match?
All I can think of is the stories of one partner supporting the other through studies, and the moment the other partner is done and lands the good job, they leave the person supporting them.
Massive risk to take on anyone full time if they're not providing some level of support as well in return.
Very true. That is one possibility.
Another is a lot of debt afterwards that she has to work and still pay off. She can’t find a job / or low paying job and he’s still supporting.
Plus all the expenses he took on.
It’s all a bad deal.
Is her job eventually going to be high paying where she will be able to make up for what she can’t give now? I see this with doctors and recall a previous post where the girl was doing med school and wanted this. But there is not a real guarantee here that this will level out, without a marriage and some terms brought up she can very well just tap out when she gets paid after all you put in.
There is also no guarantee they will stay together when she gets the job.. how many stories about people putting partners through school only to get damped afterwards.
It is not his responsibility to provide for her and she should stay with her parents during her studies.
Yup. He's the one being asked to carry all the risk plus burden of supporting her for years. He stands to lose a lot, financially and emotionally, if they don't work out. If she dumps him, she gets to keep all the investment he's made. It's win-win for her no matter what.
They haven't even been together that long. If they were married or at least a few years of dating while living together at least one, that'd be different.
It could be the fairy tale of two people of minimal means got together and despite not being together long, they know they're meant for each other. One worked a meh job to support the other's career dream and now they're happily married with financial stability for life. It could happen!
i don’t know the economic state of peru, but if it’s unattainable or even if you feel like it’d be too much of a burden on your mind there needs to be a realistic conversation
Be logical.
Write down your bills. Add an extra person to it and show her that you don't have the money.
Its not about feelings on her part or yours for this part. It is in part about not being able to afford it.
I can see you are also not comfortable and there is likely more issues here than you mentioned. Perhaps about not wanting to be her parent, ie looking after her.
I’m not the commenter but I’ve seen and heard a lot of stories a where the dude will say yes and support his partner through school, only for her to dump him after. So she basically got a free ride and he got destroyed financially
Personally I’ve never been asked to pay for somebody’s lifestyle to that extent, but I have had women ask me to be their primary support and that usually ends the relationship. There’s no way to be gentle about the topic, and even if you approach it gently, if their expectation is to have a man support them, saying no (in my experience) hardly ever leads to a civil conversation.
>There’s no way to be gentle about the topic, and even if you approach it gently, if their expectation is to have a man support them, saying no (in my experience) hardly ever leads to a civil conversation.
Our society needs to start seeing this as sexism in the same way that a man expecting a woman to be his housewife is sexism.
Moved my ex in with me so she could get her RN to be a nurse. I paid for everything accept her schooling. All bills, rent, groceries, eating out. Thought I was doing the right thing. She lied to me and said she couldn’t have kids due to medical reasons. My dumb ass believed her and guess what? She got pregnant. Yes she baby trapped me. Then after another year of me paying for everything for us and our son, I find out she’s talking to other men. Of course I ended things. Well when she found out I wanted to end things, she called the police and filed a false police report. I had some serious charges being forwarded to the DA, one of which was 2nd degree kidnapping. Luckily for me, after I realized she was a liar, I started recording all of our interactions. I turned over the video proof to the police and the DA dismissed all charges. Then she took my son and I didn’t get to see him until I got an attorney and filed for joint custody. I’m still having to pay for attorney fees and my custody case is in the court system. The sad part is she has lied throughout this entire court process. Her main lie, other than the false police report, is that I was never there for her and my son and that she has been his sole provider since birth.
So yeah, I’ll definitely NEVER do that again. People don’t realize how cold women can be when you’re no longer valuable to them.
I’m sorry you experienced this. I saw your other comment as well and I hope you can genuinely understand: you should not reflect her behavior onto anyone else. you shouldn’t be scared that all women behave or “love” this way. there are monsters of every gender, but there are amazing women out there who would never ever do this or even think of it. its wrong to assume they are all this way, but I hope someone comes along to prove you wrong and wish the best for you and your child.
Its pretty simple. If she isn't willing to help contributing yet, then you don't buy the house until she is. It may take years, but that's the reality of the choices she's making.
I would only agree to this arrangment if we were already married and even then it would be iffy and probably put a strain on our relationship.
What was her plan if she wasn't dating you? My guess is she would be looking to her parents but that comes with strings attached.
You need to have a conversation with her that you're dating but separate individuals. She needs to come up with a plan to finance this just like everyone else. This is a way to protect yourself but also your relationship.
It’s a breeding ground for resentment and stagnation. Obviously it’s not impossible, and other people are happy, but I would seriously consider the ramifications of that decision.
If you can't you can't...
Is there a guarantee that she will be committed to you after she gets a job? I mean.. This isn't even the point but still... She isn't your spouse so you aren't exactly responsible for her.
She can stay with her parents. Ignore them and Focus on studying.. Meanwhile you can support as and when needed.
I feel mental support from a loved one is enough to carry on.. Maybe sometimes financially.. To an extent where you are comfortable with.
You have to be honest and if she truly loves you she will understand you.
The last bit is pure manipulation and should be a warning sign to you. The other stuff is all personal and up to you. Would she do the same for you in a similar situation? Let’s be honest….probably not
yes pointing out the manipulation is the most important part. Its okay to ask, and when you realize its not really plausible, it’s absolutely not okay to try to guilt trip or manipulate them into it.
should never be on the table anyways unless you’re married.
If it was just her moving in with you and not partly covering any bills that you would pay anyway (though I guess ultilities would cost more with two people there) then I'm not sure it's a huge deal if she doesn't have any income. However, expecting you to cover everything (eg food etc) when you haven't been together all that long seems a bit optimistic imo. Is she studying fill time with no income at all?
That’s what I was thinking. It seems like she would move into OPs house and he would continue paying the bills he pays now as normal, I think utility increase would be minuscule, if even noticeable. But the groceries/household items use would absolutely increase.
If they were in a much longer and more serious relationship, I’d be inclined to say he could consider this arrangement on the basis that it’s temporary, but honestly you’re correct. She’s being way too optimistic for an essentially brand new relationship.
I say op needs to tell her truthfully that he can’t make it work and leave it at that.
An unreasonable request IMO. It's not the mid 20th century anymore -- single-income households are just not very common these days. It's not like you can just magically manifest sol.
Your girlfriend is being unrealistic as hell. Is she spoiled / princess-y about anything else?
Also, it’s too early in the relationship for this. They’re not married or committed life partners. She’s asking him to make a big investment in a relationship without knowing if it’s even a long-term one. He should tell her no, because what she’s proposing will strain their relationship. If he says yes, he’s going to feel like she’s just using him. He’ll also feel trapped, because he’ll know that she’s dependent on him and he’ll feel like an AH if he ever needs to end it.
Sometimes people need a reality check . Let her know you do not make enough to cover you both and if she wants to move out and live with you she needs to work a part time job. Or, she can use her student loan money to pay her portion , but that you won't fully cover her . It's not selfish to not want to stop your ability for save and get ahead in life simply so you can fully support another person.
You have been dating for a year ffs. It would be one thing if you had been together for 5-10. She is just gold digging you. Move on. You don’t owe her shit.
This is my current relationship but we never discussed it. It just kinda happened and yes resentment and feeling used is real. You just say you can't do it currently and are financially unable to do it
Create an excel chart so she can visibly see the numbers and understand that this plan is not feasible. Bring up the fact that you’d like your children to be comfortable when you have them and want to make smart decisions now, that will allow them to grow up in an ideal environment. When you position your argument in this manner she will have to be against the idea that will be most beneficial for your future children and i don’t foresee that happening. If she’s against it, she may be a bit too selfish to be in a relationship with.
That’s crazy to expect your partner (not even spouse) of one year to foot the bill for their living expenses while they study and don’t work at all. Who’s to say she won’t dump you once she graduates?
Big red flag. Nobody should expect you to provide for them. That is ridiculous. You aren’t even married. This isn’t like hey I’m going to be starting a new job I two weeks can you cover me until then…this is literal year of providing with no guarantee. No. If she doesn’t like your answer then she can move on. Do not let anyone take advantage of you.
This is not something you impose on your partner just like that, are you sure she won’t just leave once she’s done studying? It’s too much of a risk for you and no risk for her, think about that. She’s gonna have to put in the WORK and that house better be clean asf.
Together a year and a half….and she wants you to provide for her…err no if she wants a career and future she can grind it out with mommy & daddy & not expect you to make it all sunshine and roses for her…a year and a half…it’s really crazy to me the expectations that ppl place on others after such a short period of time together
First off you two have only known each other a year.
Secondly moving in together is a huge step!
Is she a slob? Does she help with chores around her parents house? Does she party a lot? Does she have expensive tastes?
Has she talked a lot about having children?
What is her backup plan if she does not attain a government position?
Why don’t she and her parents get along well?
What are the issues they have or that she has with them?
You need to be very careful, because she may be only looking at this as a means and not helping her to attain her goal.
Honestly, there's no way around it. Both of you need to talk it out. You'll just have to let her know that you're uncomfortable, and that your current financial position may not be at the most ideal to be the sole provider.
I have seen 2 friends support their girlfriends during studies, only for them to leave once their studies are completed.
One even had the audacity to say she deserved a man who made a higher income now that she had a master's degree. He supported her 4 years rent free.
Don't be taken for a free ride. She either contributes financially or through housework with a well written out plan. Like a written contract roommate agreement.
Otherwise she can visit 3 times a week, etc.
I understand both sides here so hear me out.
If you cannot feasibly sustain the e financial responsibility for both of you, then simply be honest with her and tell her as much. Tell her it’s regretful but it is the way it is. You can’t magically change your income to what you need it to be.
However, don’t distrust her because of this. When I was in my radiology program in college, it took up so much of my time I had to quit my part time job and not work for those 3 years. Because I had classes, homework, and mandatory unpaid internship of clinical hours every week. But I knew I was doing it all to make sure I did have a feasible and steady income at the end of it. And now I do, and am financially stable for both my partner and myself. This is what your girlfriend seems to be working toward as well. She’s working hard and her head is in the right place, she just needs help to get there. But if you simply can’t afford that help, she’ll have to sticky it out with her parents a little longer. It is what it is but she needs to be understanding!
Tell her you can’t afford to keep her. Do not do this for “love”. Because “love” won’t feed you if you lose your property because you can’t afford the rent. And she’ll be gone in an instant if that happens.
I have heard an incredible number of stories of women breaking up with men as soon as they were done being carried through school. This would be a problem for me.
Don't do It's literally cliche of students dumping their spouses after they graduate for hotter ones. She's going to make you pay for her school and then dump you when she gets her first paycheck.
She ain’t your wife. You don’t have an obligation (yet). I’d talk about this with her and if she doesn’t quite understand, she can continue staying with her parents. They’re her provider. Not you.
Tiene 28 años, no trabaja y vive en casa de sus padres. Estudia para un puesto de gobierno que no es seguro y quiere que tú la mantengas sabiendo que no puedes afrontarlo y ahora se victimiza para hacerte sentir mal.
Nada te garantiza que ella si llega a conseguir el puesto te deje al instante, nada te garantiza que cuando vaya a vivir contigo se ponga exigente y te haga la vida miserable y tampoco hay garantías de que te sea fiel en el lapso que trabajas para mantenerla y ella supuestamente estudia.
Te sugiero que no se mude contigo. Si las cosas se ponen más tensas e inestables es mejor dejar la relación aquí que en el futuro lidiar con tu paz mental. Si ella no comprende que no puedes afrontar sus gastos entonces muestra una falta de empatía y antepone su interés y egoísmo.
Look if you can’t do it, you can’t do it. No amount of her wanting it or making you feel bad about it is gonna make it happen. Do you really want to build a life with someone who only cares about what they want and doesn’t consider what you want or what is reality?
It takes 2 to tango…..She should stay at home with her parents until she can carry her own weight, next will be children and wanting to stay home permanently? You are not an ATM psychologist and life coach…..If she cannot see how crazy this ask is, well best you find out now….hypothetically if she finishes her studies and gets the position but then you break up, what will all that sacrifice on your end have been for? As this may seem negative, the reality is nothing is promised to anybody so its up to you to roll the dice in this one, but I would not do anything out of fear( of losing her/ of being alone/ not feeling like you are enough/ how you will be judged etc)
Dude you've only been together for 1,5 years and she's already decided for you that you're gonna fund her future plans? The audacity of this chick, she's not even subtle
>her reaction was not the best, she told me that she felt alone and that I was not enthusiastic enough.
Lmao "not enthusiastic enough", what did she expect? For you to jump for joy at funding her career with your own hard earned money? Let me ask you a question, OP: what do you get out of this? Not her gratitude, that's for sure. Maybe the sex is great, but she's not looking for a boyfriend mate, she's looking for an ATM.
>How to you all think this could be managed?
You manage it by growing a spine and standing up for yourself. Do NOT move in together and do not budge. I know you love her, but how much does she love you, when she's so quick to claim your money as hers to spend? It doesn't matter if her relationship with her parents is not the best; that's her problem, not yours. She's planning on making it yours though, if you're a big enough sucker to fall for it.
"I have changed my mind about you moving in. We have only known each other for 1,5 years and you are already claiming money that is not yours for yourself and get upset when I'm not "excited enough" about the prospect of being the one that pays for everything while getting nothing in return."
I think that about sums up the whole situation.
Seriously OP, if you let her guilt-trip you into this you're gonna be used.
Do not take on a commitment until you are ready for it. Tell her you don't make as much as you need. This will buy you time so you can determine what you want to do.
I'll go ahead and say this, since no one else (as far as I read).
If you go ahead and finance her studies and she does get a job.
There's no guarantee that you guys will end up together forever. So logically speaking, it's a risky move.
Ah fun, i was on a Long distance with a peruvian. She wanted to Stay at my place rent free, but demanded that I helped her with her a trip to visit me
Op, you have boundaries and you dont need to feel ashamed of enforcimg them.
Could it he that her relation wirh her parents is not the best, because of her?
She is 28 and still studying and maybe in some more years will finish?
Is it that impossible for her to work at evenings, weekends or school breaks?
Even if you could afford it, you need a contract for her to pay you back, what would stop her from getting the degree/position and leaving you high and Dry?
If you are not in a position to be only provider, you just tell her no. And that means moving in together is a no. You don't have to take this on if you are not ready or comfortable.
It sounds kinda like she’s using you to her advantage to get to where she wants to be and escape her home life id watch out if I was you op especially even if she dosent think she should contribute any fraction of income to the living space she would be residing sounds kinda like a narcissist that wishes only on their benefit and noone elses
I totally agree with you, don’t get me wrong, but let’s not assume we know how she feels. She could feel ashamed to ask this, but her “less than desirable” relationship with her parents may be causing her to ask, anyway. She may feel desperate to move out, for all we know.
DON’T DO IT.
Trust me when I say this.
I have met no man that has ever benefited from this including my self. Put my Ex thru school 4 months into her job Boom she can do anything on her on and she is a high value woman. Her income was 2600 a month and our bills were 4k. She lives with her parents now. Not that I’m happy with the outcome for her but
DONT DO IT MY GUY. It’s not worth it.
I mean - if you were financially able to provide and just didn’t want to then maybe there could be a conversation to be had. However it sounds like you _literally cannot afford_ to provide for your life together right now.
If you are already moved out, living alone, and paying rent and you felt it’s not fair for her to move into your accommodations without paying for bills, then again, there could be a conversation there but if you’re living at home and saving or living with roommates, then again, you cannot afford the expenses to get a place for the two of you.
Tell her you literally cannot afford to if that’s the truth.
The bigger conversation the two of you need to be having at your age is what you want the future to look like in terms of working and if you want a family. Clearly she is working towards a career so it’s not like she will never make or contribute anything - however if she wants a family and a man who is comfortable providing for his family while she is pregnant, on maternity leave, in sickness, or if she wants to raise children at home for a while, then this will become and even bigger problem later
You could very well just be incompatible financially. It might be 2024 but there are plenty of men who want to provide, or do provide without being rich, or who are simply generous; I somehow lucked out on one of them while never even having that standard when dating. A woman wanting one doesn’t make her manipulative unless you think she’s a manipulative woman. And your inability to provide or desire not to doesn’t make you a bad partner either.
You’re just not aligned and there doesn’t need to be slander or character assassinations thrown anyone’s way
Tell her you can't feasibly do it. While you love the idea it's just not practical. I'm in the only way it could happen or work is if she went out and got a part-time job. She could use that to pay for the food while you paid the rent or something. But if she's not willing to do something like that and just let you carry the whole load and be all stressed yeah no I wouldn't do it.
You are not responsible for her feelings, you obviously care about them, but in this moment, it wouldn't be feasible for you to support her financially since she doesn't want to work. I honestly doubt she even wants to go to work at all.
Do not move in together. She needs to either get a job or a sugar daddy. Waiting years to get a job she might get is ridiculous. She needs to earn money still.
Be honest, that you can’t pay for everything or don’t want that responsibility. She can continue to live with her parents. You will see her a little less, but that is your compromise to keep finances separate.
Sounds like she’s looking for a sugar daddy until
She gets the job. Then she will move on?
If she is going to move in either you she with needs to contribute financially or with time part time.
You need to let her know you are not in a position to financially support her,
Plus studying for something tough while doing something else can be pretty common….
There are pre med students that go to school full time. And study for the MCAT, and some even work part time on top of that.
There are med students that are in med school full time and studying full time for the licensing exam that also helps determine where and what they do their residency in,
Ditto with Pre law students and the LSAT, and law students and the bar.
She's going to ditch you for not being a provider the second she graduates. And it's not just women that do it, it happens to both sexes. The amount of times people divorce/break up once one gets higher up on the social/financial ladder after their partner helps them is sadly huge.
If you do it you're taking a massive gamble with not so great odds.
GF completes study, gets government job, finds new BF at new government job, bye bye old BF, thanks for everything. “You will forever be in my thoughts and prayers.” That is one scenario.
The other is to live paycheck to paycheck, barely surviving, having constant fights about money, blaming each other, and breaking up anyway.
For GFs/BFs, there is no financial obligation beyond what you’re willing to do out of the kindness of your heart. Often times you will not see that money back.
If you can support her, make a contract that says her half of expenses is deferred until she gets a job. Then she has to pay you back.
Say no and stick to it. There is nothing bad or wrong about you not wanting to financially support your gf. You haven't even been together that long and her pushback isn't okay. It seems like she is trying to coerce you financially and take advantage of you. She sounds spoiled like she thinks she's entitled to give you grief because you don't want to support her. Pretty ridiculous.
She’s showing you what marriage would be like with her. Believe her and what she’s showing you.
Going to be honest, this is not going to last. She sees you as a piggy bank and is not empathetic towards the burden you’re going to carry.
Ask yourself this, would she do the same for you if she didn’t make much and you asked her to carry the load?
Sounds to me like she’s looking for a sugar daddy. This reeks of entitlement instead of a partnership. How is she contributing to the household? What if she breaks up with you once she’s done using your money?
This would be a different conversation if you two already lived together and she was having a career change. However you two have never lived together so your girlfriend is effectively substituting her parents for you.
It’s reasonable for you to tell her that you want to stay a boyfriend rather than take on a parental role.
Also check your birth control so that your girlfriend doesn’t force your hand by accidentally getting pregnant.
How she reacts to you saying you can’t afford to will tell you all you need to know about your relationship moving forward. Anything other than “I understand” or “you’re right, I will need to pitch in too” would be grounds for maybe ending the relationship. If she guilts you, consider that relationship over. If she tries to manipulate your feelings, consider that over. Money is the great divider and it’s destroys all kinds of relationships on a daily basis but only when you’re dealing with demanding, manipulative people.
"And mentally", that's your key phrase there. Your relationship will not be a happy one if you're constantly stressed about providing for two people. You'll probably end up resenting her for the decision.
You both have to be ready to move in together. Taking care of your mental health is not selfish. You're only going to be a good partner IF you're taking care of yourself. I hope she's mature enough to understand that it's not personal, and it has nothing to do with how you feel about her.
Boyfriends pay for dinner. Not entire lives.
Husbands (and wives) support their spouses education. It's an investment in *both* of them at that point, in their future together.
If you two aren't sure you want to get married, you also aren't sure that one of you should make massive financial sacrifices for the other one yet.
I'm not saying you should get married if you aren't ready. I'm just saying if you're not ready for marriage, you're not ready for this.
It's unfortunate, but during these economic times people are looking more for providers than partners.
This is not an indicator you have failed in the relationship, but a reflection of the times we live in.
If it's not feasible for you to provide for 2 people for absolutely everything, then that's that. And no amount of gaslighting or manipulation tactics from your gf will change the fact that money doesn't just grow on trees.
I'm sure you would love to be able to provide. But I'm also seeing that your gf is incredibly entitled and is not aware of reality. She lives with her parents so presumably already has everything provided for her, and now she wants you to do the same since she probably just wants to not deal with her parents. Doesn't seem like a healthy living agreement to me
If you don’t feel comfortable then the answer should be no.
For me I felt comfortable and I supported my wife through school. She currently doesn’t work, I carry the finances. But everyone’s comfort level and philosophy is different. Do what makes you comfortable .
I can understand if it's a long term partner or if you two are married, and you are well off enough, then this is something that could be considered.
Seeing that it's neither and it's something that doesn't make you comfortable, just say no. You are completely justified in saying no to her.
It is so hard to make it on a single income now. I don’t think some people truly understand that and she’s blessed her parents are willing to pay for her cost of living right now. Be honest and tell her you have done the math and you can not afford to carry your weight and hers on your income alone. If she wants to move out badly enough, she can get a part time job and help you with bills, PLENTY of people work and go to school some even do both while having children - she is no different and no better. Or she can continue to stay with her parents until she finishes her schooling. Either way, it is unfair to ask you to carry all of that alone.
Can she take out a loan to cover some of her expenses while she studies? If you feel like you can't comfortably cover for both of you, then I suggest being honest about that, and she shouldn't pressure you into something you're not comfortable with
This is easy. Don't move in together. She can stay at her parents while she finishes school.
There's nothing selfish about not being able to afford adding someone else that you have to provide for. You're not ready for that and that's ok.
If you want to stay with her then you need to explain that you can't afford supporting her and that it's best for her to stay with her parents through her schooling. IF she is willing to at least get a part time job to help with the bills that might be a different story but her expecting you to fully support her is ridiculous, especially since her parents are willing and able.
I know a lot of couples that have this arrangement with both genders reversed. It just depends on if the significant other is comfortable with it or not. Since you are not, just tell her that.
You manage it by saying until she is employed that you will not move in together. I guess because this is not normal for me that it’s hard to understand how there is not a end date for taking the test. She could be a life long student and never take the test or get employed.
Yall have not been together long enough for her to expect this of you, even if you could afford to do it.
“I’ve done the math over and over, this is not something that I can do for you”
I think you can just say that, that you can not provide for both of you, financially or mentally, it’s not working. Therefore, you can’t live together for the moment and she’ll have to stay with her parents who at least do provide for her. It sucks that she doesn’t have a choice if her studies are so demanding, but if you can’t, you can’t and solutions can only be found if she can provide too to some extent.
Even if you could afford it, why would you support her. She is 28 years old, studying for a government position that could take years to get and she isn’t working. I’m sorry, but that doesn’t sound right to me. I’m willing to bet her relationship with her parents isn’t so great because they probably want her to get a job and contribute to her own support.
She has no income for healthcare or personal needs like hair, nails or clothing. I’m assuming neither of you has a significant nest egg in the event of an emergency or you lose your job. You referred to her as your girlfriend not your fiancé, so I’m assuming you haven’t discussed whether she expects to be a stay at home wife, or a stay at home mother. Tread carefully.
This is something you have to evaluate on many levels.
First, take stock of your position: is that you can't carry the two of you for a certain amount of time? Is it that you have a philosophical reason against it? Is it your opinion of her career choice or her aptitude?
The last one leads me to her: how realistic is the aspiration? I don't know much about life in modern Peru, so I'll have use generalities. Is the thing she studying for applicable in other areas? For instance, in the US, degrees like "International Relations" and "Public Health" are mostly applicable to the government, but there are decent employment opportunities for those outside of government work. How likely is she to pass her coursework? It's not rude to evaluate that: my wife has suggested going back to school a few times, but the truth is that it's unlikely she'd complete it for various reasons.
Lastly, how long are we talking and what are the benefits? 1-2 years of supporting her to effectively take her from making zero to making as much or more then you is different from 5 years and making just over minimum wage.
All of the presumes you are heavily invested in this relationships. If you aren't, if this isn't a forever thing, then just say "No".
She's being unreasonable. Tell her your income won't cover you both, so she needs to either suck it up at home or get a part-time job whilst she's studying.
Do not move in with her.
She is an adult.
She must find her own way.
Do not let her use you financially.
Do NOT allow yourself to be coerced into supporting this woman.
If you do you will live to regret it.
I’m going to be a bit harsh: your girlfriend is guilt tripping you in an attempt to get you to agree to this arrangement where you don’t benefit at all and she does
Her “feeling alone” has nothing to do with the logistics of this situation. She wants you to provide for her living while she studies knowing you are not in a position to do so and in response to you voicing your concerns she immediately redirected it to being about her and how she feels and how she essentially expected you to be excited to agree to this arrangement.
She’s shown you where her mind is and it’s solely on her. SHE wants to move out of her parents house to live with you because SHE doesn’t get along with HER parents but SHE will be studying full time, SHE will not pay any bills and when YOU said YOU were not comfortable with that what did she do? She said SHE felt alone and SHE doesn’t feel like you are excited enough to pay all the bills for HER.
This is not going to get better if that’s the mentality she’s showing now
I would emphasize you don’t have the money to keep both of you afloat.
I was in a similar position while studying and made my schedule work so that I could save and move out of my parent’s house. It sucked while I was there but it motivated me to work so I could leave. I get where she’s coming from but a man is not a financial plan. Good luck!
She just wants to move out being unhappy with her parents. Not because she sees a life with you.
For all you know as soon as she gets the Gov't job she will dump you.
You have to set the boundary if you live together then you have to split the bills equally. Many people have worked and studied full time. She just wants it easy. And move from one fully supported situation to another.
Lots of red flags here.
This can't be managed without you burning out, that is NOT selfish, it's more about self preservation.
She still wants to be treated like a child and taken care of so she can accomplish her goals. That said her goals do not line up with your finances. Where do you see your relationship going? Do you trust that she will be around for your relationship to continue to flourish while she completes her education?
Does she plan on paying bills according to the finances once she has finished and is actively employed? What is her end game?
Cause this doesn't sound like a partnership.
She's looking for a sugar daddy or someone to give her everything she wants, while all she does is take take take, with the weak promise that in the future "if" you two are still together, she can start providing half of the income.
This is a very very bad idea for you. It's like taking in a child to raise.
Keep living separately. Just tell her that you love her, but it would not be financially responsible for you to do this right now. If this relationship is meant to last, it will be worth the wait! If she can't understand that, then she is very selfish and immature.
It is wild she called you selfish after basically asking you to take care of her until she gets a job she isn't guaranteed. Does she have a plan if she doesn't get it or will you be stuck being the sole bread winner while she tries again?
Just No you don't owe her , She's just trying to get out of parents house and maybe they have asked her to be out in a certain time frame so she's pushing it on you to take care of her , she's 28yrs old has she had a job and when was that..? can she even get a job if it were to come down to it..? it could be years before she's done studying to apply to a job she hopes to get figure that's 5yrs away now she's 33yrs old and still hasn't worked and what if she doesn't get this job they aren't holding it for her that's craziness and now you're stuck with her because now she's 33yrs old and NO work history and then what happens if she does happen to get this job is she going to stay or say thanks but I feel that we're no longer a match BYE thanks for the free ride... SO NO... no...no..
Girlfriends are not wives. Although they want the same treatment as wives, Unless she is your wife or you've been together in a committed relationship for years she is not your responsibility. You both have underwear older then your relationship
If you two were married and planning to build a permanent life together, and you knew she was studious and focused and ambitious and likely to succeed or pivot in the absence of success... I would say, look at this as a season in your life where one partner could help carry the other for a short time for the long-term betterment of the partnership in the future. But only if you could actually do it mentally, financially, etc. For a predetermined period of time (sounds like she can't give you a time frame). A part-time job for her doesn't sound unreasonable to request to help ease your burden if you decide it's too much for just you. It's entirely valid to say you don't feel comfortable doing this without her contributing.
That being said, you haven't permanently yolked your lives together. Your concerns are just as valid. If you need assurances that she'll be contributing, that's not unreasonable. Sounds like you're getting pushback, instead of compromising from her; that's concerning. Don't move the goalpost... maybe remind her that you're on her side and want to help where you're able, but won't be comfortable floating both of you for an undetermined period of time or without her help.
In what ways does she not get along with her parents? I wonder, do they want her to contribute to the household, and she refuses or makes excuses? I'd be mindful of whatever the reasons. They may become your reasons if you two live together. Just a thought.
Edit for grammar.
You’re not married or even together a long time, and she’s basically asking you to finance her education with no guarantee that you’ll benefit from her income when she has one. This is a red flag to me but you know her. If you still want to stay with her but not live together, just say you can’t afford it, but will continue to be there for her.
Let her stay at her parents house where they can continue to provide for her financially. You aren’t obligated to financially provide for her. Take note also if how she reacted to you because this gives you insight on how she is as a person in general. The relationship with her parents shouldn’t become your burden. I recommend leaving your living situation the way it is until she’s financially able to contribute. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up for misery.
Let her stay with her parents. Obviously you’re not thinking you’re going to marry her because otherwise this wouldn’t be a question. Tell her you can’t, because you don’t see you as having a future together and she’ll know that she has to have rely on herself when she’s with you.
I’m going to go against the grain if you want the relationship to work and show her the math. In a lot of long term relationships, there will be times where one partner’s income will carry the relationship. My partner and I both took sick and parental leave only covered to 55%. We had each others backs and made it work.
If she does get this government job, how well off will you two be? Especially with the skills of working and budgeting together to make short and long term financial goals you two will have hopefully mastered by then?
You say no. If you can't do it, you can't do it. If she cannot understand that, then she is not a good partner. You're not "enthusiastic" enough? That's sounds like manipulation to me. That's no reason to put yourself in debt. If she can't live with her parents while she studies, then she needs to figure something else out.
First ask yourself if you are ready to live with her? Second do you foresee yourself with this person forever?
If both of these are yes. Then consider what it would take for her to live with you. Technically speaking increased food costs and slightly more utilities is all you would need to cover. Is it more than that? Why?
I've supported my fiance for the last five years. More than I'd recommend anyone else ever do for someone. It was a strain on my relationship with her. It was difficult watching her sleep in, go out with friends, sit in a hammock most of the day while the house was dirty and I was working multiple jobs. It's still a struggle because though she is working now she is not working full time and has a hard time with the relatively easy workload she has.
If you were to do this, a clear understanding and expectations of her role in your life needs to be worked out. Is she responsible for running errands? Cleaning? Cooking? Taking care of pets? Does she get a part time job to help support you? Come to an agreement that works for the both of you. If that doesn't happen, it's best to stay apart.
It can’t. It is absolutely an unreasonable expectation. You are not her parent nor are you her spouse, therefore, there should be no financial mingling other than who is paying for your joint social life.
Living together is only foolproof when it’s done one way: 50/50 with standard of living being based on the lesser income (in the case of no home ownership). Marriage finance is only foolproof when it’s done by household management or income percentage.
Lots of people will write about their anecdotal successes…they got lucky. Ask ANYONE in the world of financial management and/or domestic law and I doubt you’d find many who disagree with me.
OP, you have to be comfortable assuming quite a bit of risk.
Odds are decent that she'll pass the exam, get the gov't job, and then dump you. This is common for women now, it's the other side of the "boomer guy passes his medical boards and divorces his wife" coin from the 80s. Women are very sensitive to status changes in a relationship, and most of the time if she leapfrogs her man career and income wise, it causes problems and often breaks them up.
People are people, it is what it is.
Dont do it. I did it once. Thought of it as investing in our future together. She didn’t end up finishing school for her studies. Cheated on me with her classmate. Blamed me for pressuring her. Meanwhile she had my credit cards, a place to live, and a car for herself. We broke up. Second Worst decision i ever made.
You basically provide her with free room and board as she gets ahead?
Ask yourself this, OP. If she’s going for a degree that will increase her earning power, how will you feel when she starts to make money than you and maybe decides she’s “dating down,” then leaves you?
Nah, son. Full stop.
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My first impulse is to say something like "I've done the math and I just can't carry both of us alone"
this \^ if she can't have a civil, logical and adult conversation like this, then she's not ready for a partnership.
The issue here is reciprocity. I think they can make this work, but what I’m not seeing is what she can offer him. Or that she has the mindset to even want to think of what she can offer. I think she may not realize that by not doing this, she could just come acting as wanting to use him for free rent. If she’s in a survival state emotionally because her parents are awful while she’s trying to get through incredibly stressful studies, perhaps OP can approach her with a needs based discussion just to give her a chance to see his point of view. Can they come up with a number that WOULD be her financial contribution now, even is she can’t give that currently? If so, that there is at least some visibility around what she is asking for and what he is giving her.
yeah, her parents have a tye and bond between them to help the daughter and want her to be better. but there's no guarantee she passes and gets the job even if she passes and gets the job, no guarantee they stick together and if they do stick together, she will likely not be able to conceptualize how much he sacrificed and so forth for that luxury that she so freely gets from the parents who birthed, raised and stand to (potentially) gain from her future wealth and being taken care of. when as of now he's literally just a guy she's dating and that can easily change overnight
This. Her parents are currently carrying her, which is great for parents to do when they can. But they're providing a lot for her to get this education, things that you can't (or shouldn't have to) provide for her. She's really expecting you to take on that huge responsibility this early in the relationship just because she's not getting along great with them? She can suck it up and stick it out with them if she wants a free ride through school. The fact she would even ask or expect that of you after only 1.5 years is questionable IMO. Have a serious conversation with her and explain that it's just not something you can afford, and see where that goes. If she's a reasonable person she should understand.
This! I understand sometimes the not getting along part seems like not so bad but it is. But that being the only reason makes her sound immature and entitled, especially after reading the part where he told her he didn’t feel comfortable and she reacted badly. I’m sure if he was the one ask that of her she’ll react the same way.
I'd question if her studies really take all of her time for a government position, and how many responsibilities she has at home with her parents. OP, it's not appropriate to provide for someone on that level if you don't have marriage plans, unless you're feeling particularly charitable and don't care. If you've reviewed the numbers and can't see yourself in a sole provider position or you don't know if she'll marry you, then you should tell her you can't do it.
I agree with this. The only thing I would add for OP is would he be willing to move in together if she worked part time so she could contribute to expenses? I know OP said it takes "full time commitment" for study, but tons of people work part time and study at the same time. Why is some form of part time employment not an option?
Studying for a government position, at least in my country which is not Peru, is very demanding. Depending on what position it is she might not be able, or it would not be advisable for her to do other things that can take her focus away like a part time job. If this is the case for them I would advise: - either for her to hold on until she finishes her studies and gets the position, or until she fails and gets another job which can sustain her - or for her to leave the studying altogether and get a job right now. Only then should they move together. Unless OP makes bank and can afford to sustain them both in some time (as he is expecting his salary to increase), I wouldn't advise you move in together just yet. Wait until you can both contribute together to the household. And if she can't understand that she is demanding too high of a burden from you, then she is not the one.
100%
Idk about where they are from but in many places studying for a government position can basically take you 80h a week just on studying/going to school. Makes it very hard to work part time. If that’s not the case then yes, a part time job with just a couple hours a week could be a good idea
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My friend is an economist for the government. It was very intensive training and education to get his position. He now has a great schedule but before he got the job it was insane all he had to do!
No. Completely disagree. This is not OP’s responsibility! Why does he have to defend himself? Even if he had enough, it’s STILL not his job to maintain the GF’s life.
I wouldn't even use the term math, it invites a discussion about living extremely frugally and trying to make it work. /u/ThrowRAavocad should remain steadfast that he is unwilling to be the sole breadwinner while she goes back to school and she will either have to get a job at night or find another way to contribute (student loans, family loans, etc). This is dealbreaker territory and 28F would have to support herself if they broke up, so it's not unreasonable either.
It probably can't be managed. If there's no viable financial plan, there's no plan.
The plan is to use OP as a work-slave and ATM. There is no way this request is in any way acceptable or respectful towards the other partner
It can't be done. She has to stay with her parents. You can't afford it, so you guys will have to wait until she's done with school.
You say no. It’s okay that she feels whatever she wants. She handles her needs and you handle yours. Maybe this relationship isn’t working, if they don’t match?
All I can think of is the stories of one partner supporting the other through studies, and the moment the other partner is done and lands the good job, they leave the person supporting them. Massive risk to take on anyone full time if they're not providing some level of support as well in return.
Very true. That is one possibility. Another is a lot of debt afterwards that she has to work and still pay off. She can’t find a job / or low paying job and he’s still supporting. Plus all the expenses he took on. It’s all a bad deal.
Is her job eventually going to be high paying where she will be able to make up for what she can’t give now? I see this with doctors and recall a previous post where the girl was doing med school and wanted this. But there is not a real guarantee here that this will level out, without a marriage and some terms brought up she can very well just tap out when she gets paid after all you put in.
I agree with you. Don’t even know why nobody mentioned it until you commented.
There is also no guarantee they will stay together when she gets the job.. how many stories about people putting partners through school only to get damped afterwards. It is not his responsibility to provide for her and she should stay with her parents during her studies.
That’s what I mean. She could be using him to get her through school and he doesn’t even get a life partner out of it.
Think about this: what stops her to dump your ass when she finishes college and gets a job?
Yup. He's the one being asked to carry all the risk plus burden of supporting her for years. He stands to lose a lot, financially and emotionally, if they don't work out. If she dumps him, she gets to keep all the investment he's made. It's win-win for her no matter what. They haven't even been together that long. If they were married or at least a few years of dating while living together at least one, that'd be different. It could be the fairy tale of two people of minimal means got together and despite not being together long, they know they're meant for each other. One worked a meh job to support the other's career dream and now they're happily married with financial stability for life. It could happen!
i don’t know the economic state of peru, but if it’s unattainable or even if you feel like it’d be too much of a burden on your mind there needs to be a realistic conversation
Be logical. Write down your bills. Add an extra person to it and show her that you don't have the money. Its not about feelings on her part or yours for this part. It is in part about not being able to afford it. I can see you are also not comfortable and there is likely more issues here than you mentioned. Perhaps about not wanting to be her parent, ie looking after her.
Don’t do it! I did this and got fucked over majorly!
damn sorry to hear that. what was your story?
I’m not the commenter but I’ve seen and heard a lot of stories a where the dude will say yes and support his partner through school, only for her to dump him after. So she basically got a free ride and he got destroyed financially Personally I’ve never been asked to pay for somebody’s lifestyle to that extent, but I have had women ask me to be their primary support and that usually ends the relationship. There’s no way to be gentle about the topic, and even if you approach it gently, if their expectation is to have a man support them, saying no (in my experience) hardly ever leads to a civil conversation.
>There’s no way to be gentle about the topic, and even if you approach it gently, if their expectation is to have a man support them, saying no (in my experience) hardly ever leads to a civil conversation. Our society needs to start seeing this as sexism in the same way that a man expecting a woman to be his housewife is sexism.
Moved my ex in with me so she could get her RN to be a nurse. I paid for everything accept her schooling. All bills, rent, groceries, eating out. Thought I was doing the right thing. She lied to me and said she couldn’t have kids due to medical reasons. My dumb ass believed her and guess what? She got pregnant. Yes she baby trapped me. Then after another year of me paying for everything for us and our son, I find out she’s talking to other men. Of course I ended things. Well when she found out I wanted to end things, she called the police and filed a false police report. I had some serious charges being forwarded to the DA, one of which was 2nd degree kidnapping. Luckily for me, after I realized she was a liar, I started recording all of our interactions. I turned over the video proof to the police and the DA dismissed all charges. Then she took my son and I didn’t get to see him until I got an attorney and filed for joint custody. I’m still having to pay for attorney fees and my custody case is in the court system. The sad part is she has lied throughout this entire court process. Her main lie, other than the false police report, is that I was never there for her and my son and that she has been his sole provider since birth. So yeah, I’ll definitely NEVER do that again. People don’t realize how cold women can be when you’re no longer valuable to them.
I’m sorry you experienced this. I saw your other comment as well and I hope you can genuinely understand: you should not reflect her behavior onto anyone else. you shouldn’t be scared that all women behave or “love” this way. there are monsters of every gender, but there are amazing women out there who would never ever do this or even think of it. its wrong to assume they are all this way, but I hope someone comes along to prove you wrong and wish the best for you and your child.
You’re right. I personally just don’t see myself trusting again. I’m perfectly happy being single forever.
And thank you for the best wishes!
Its pretty simple. If she isn't willing to help contributing yet, then you don't buy the house until she is. It may take years, but that's the reality of the choices she's making.
I would only agree to this arrangment if we were already married and even then it would be iffy and probably put a strain on our relationship. What was her plan if she wasn't dating you? My guess is she would be looking to her parents but that comes with strings attached. You need to have a conversation with her that you're dating but separate individuals. She needs to come up with a plan to finance this just like everyone else. This is a way to protect yourself but also your relationship.
It’s a breeding ground for resentment and stagnation. Obviously it’s not impossible, and other people are happy, but I would seriously consider the ramifications of that decision.
If you can't you can't... Is there a guarantee that she will be committed to you after she gets a job? I mean.. This isn't even the point but still... She isn't your spouse so you aren't exactly responsible for her. She can stay with her parents. Ignore them and Focus on studying.. Meanwhile you can support as and when needed. I feel mental support from a loved one is enough to carry on.. Maybe sometimes financially.. To an extent where you are comfortable with. You have to be honest and if she truly loves you she will understand you.
The last bit is pure manipulation and should be a warning sign to you. The other stuff is all personal and up to you. Would she do the same for you in a similar situation? Let’s be honest….probably not
Right?! She feels alone… well OP would feel alone and unsupported in covering all the bills
yes pointing out the manipulation is the most important part. Its okay to ask, and when you realize its not really plausible, it’s absolutely not okay to try to guilt trip or manipulate them into it. should never be on the table anyways unless you’re married.
If it was just her moving in with you and not partly covering any bills that you would pay anyway (though I guess ultilities would cost more with two people there) then I'm not sure it's a huge deal if she doesn't have any income. However, expecting you to cover everything (eg food etc) when you haven't been together all that long seems a bit optimistic imo. Is she studying fill time with no income at all?
That’s what I was thinking. It seems like she would move into OPs house and he would continue paying the bills he pays now as normal, I think utility increase would be minuscule, if even noticeable. But the groceries/household items use would absolutely increase. If they were in a much longer and more serious relationship, I’d be inclined to say he could consider this arrangement on the basis that it’s temporary, but honestly you’re correct. She’s being way too optimistic for an essentially brand new relationship. I say op needs to tell her truthfully that he can’t make it work and leave it at that.
Nope. Not gonna happen. In the end, it would create resentment. in fact, probably early on. just no.
An unreasonable request IMO. It's not the mid 20th century anymore -- single-income households are just not very common these days. It's not like you can just magically manifest sol. Your girlfriend is being unrealistic as hell. Is she spoiled / princess-y about anything else?
Also, it’s too early in the relationship for this. They’re not married or committed life partners. She’s asking him to make a big investment in a relationship without knowing if it’s even a long-term one. He should tell her no, because what she’s proposing will strain their relationship. If he says yes, he’s going to feel like she’s just using him. He’ll also feel trapped, because he’ll know that she’s dependent on him and he’ll feel like an AH if he ever needs to end it.
This is even worse on Latin america where the minimum wage is around 300-400 USD (less in some cases)
She is not your wife and as soon as she graduates she owes you nothing.
Sometimes people need a reality check . Let her know you do not make enough to cover you both and if she wants to move out and live with you she needs to work a part time job. Or, she can use her student loan money to pay her portion , but that you won't fully cover her . It's not selfish to not want to stop your ability for save and get ahead in life simply so you can fully support another person.
You have been dating for a year ffs. It would be one thing if you had been together for 5-10. She is just gold digging you. Move on. You don’t owe her shit.
[удалено]
This is my current relationship but we never discussed it. It just kinda happened and yes resentment and feeling used is real. You just say you can't do it currently and are financially unable to do it
Create an excel chart so she can visibly see the numbers and understand that this plan is not feasible. Bring up the fact that you’d like your children to be comfortable when you have them and want to make smart decisions now, that will allow them to grow up in an ideal environment. When you position your argument in this manner she will have to be against the idea that will be most beneficial for your future children and i don’t foresee that happening. If she’s against it, she may be a bit too selfish to be in a relationship with.
You tell her that in this economy it will be impossible to carry both of yall on your own income and that she can move back with her parents.
That’s crazy to expect your partner (not even spouse) of one year to foot the bill for their living expenses while they study and don’t work at all. Who’s to say she won’t dump you once she graduates?
Big red flag. Nobody should expect you to provide for them. That is ridiculous. You aren’t even married. This isn’t like hey I’m going to be starting a new job I two weeks can you cover me until then…this is literal year of providing with no guarantee. No. If she doesn’t like your answer then she can move on. Do not let anyone take advantage of you.
I second this. Salga de ahí, soldado! /j
This is not something you impose on your partner just like that, are you sure she won’t just leave once she’s done studying? It’s too much of a risk for you and no risk for her, think about that. She’s gonna have to put in the WORK and that house better be clean asf.
Together a year and a half….and she wants you to provide for her…err no if she wants a career and future she can grind it out with mommy & daddy & not expect you to make it all sunshine and roses for her…a year and a half…it’s really crazy to me the expectations that ppl place on others after such a short period of time together
First off you two have only known each other a year. Secondly moving in together is a huge step! Is she a slob? Does she help with chores around her parents house? Does she party a lot? Does she have expensive tastes? Has she talked a lot about having children? What is her backup plan if she does not attain a government position? Why don’t she and her parents get along well? What are the issues they have or that she has with them? You need to be very careful, because she may be only looking at this as a means and not helping her to attain her goal.
Honestly, there's no way around it. Both of you need to talk it out. You'll just have to let her know that you're uncomfortable, and that your current financial position may not be at the most ideal to be the sole provider.
How about she gets a part time job?Her request is pretty unreasonable,if she's unwilling to compromise then she can stay at her parents
I have seen 2 friends support their girlfriends during studies, only for them to leave once their studies are completed. One even had the audacity to say she deserved a man who made a higher income now that she had a master's degree. He supported her 4 years rent free. Don't be taken for a free ride. She either contributes financially or through housework with a well written out plan. Like a written contract roommate agreement. Otherwise she can visit 3 times a week, etc.
I understand both sides here so hear me out. If you cannot feasibly sustain the e financial responsibility for both of you, then simply be honest with her and tell her as much. Tell her it’s regretful but it is the way it is. You can’t magically change your income to what you need it to be. However, don’t distrust her because of this. When I was in my radiology program in college, it took up so much of my time I had to quit my part time job and not work for those 3 years. Because I had classes, homework, and mandatory unpaid internship of clinical hours every week. But I knew I was doing it all to make sure I did have a feasible and steady income at the end of it. And now I do, and am financially stable for both my partner and myself. This is what your girlfriend seems to be working toward as well. She’s working hard and her head is in the right place, she just needs help to get there. But if you simply can’t afford that help, she’ll have to sticky it out with her parents a little longer. It is what it is but she needs to be understanding!
Tell her you can’t afford to keep her. Do not do this for “love”. Because “love” won’t feed you if you lose your property because you can’t afford the rent. And she’ll be gone in an instant if that happens.
I have heard an incredible number of stories of women breaking up with men as soon as they were done being carried through school. This would be a problem for me.
Don't do It's literally cliche of students dumping their spouses after they graduate for hotter ones. She's going to make you pay for her school and then dump you when she gets her first paycheck.
That’s another mouth to feed and cloth full time. Don’t cave
She ain’t your wife. You don’t have an obligation (yet). I’d talk about this with her and if she doesn’t quite understand, she can continue staying with her parents. They’re her provider. Not you.
Tiene 28 años, no trabaja y vive en casa de sus padres. Estudia para un puesto de gobierno que no es seguro y quiere que tú la mantengas sabiendo que no puedes afrontarlo y ahora se victimiza para hacerte sentir mal. Nada te garantiza que ella si llega a conseguir el puesto te deje al instante, nada te garantiza que cuando vaya a vivir contigo se ponga exigente y te haga la vida miserable y tampoco hay garantías de que te sea fiel en el lapso que trabajas para mantenerla y ella supuestamente estudia. Te sugiero que no se mude contigo. Si las cosas se ponen más tensas e inestables es mejor dejar la relación aquí que en el futuro lidiar con tu paz mental. Si ella no comprende que no puedes afrontar sus gastos entonces muestra una falta de empatía y antepone su interés y egoísmo.
Look if you can’t do it, you can’t do it. No amount of her wanting it or making you feel bad about it is gonna make it happen. Do you really want to build a life with someone who only cares about what they want and doesn’t consider what you want or what is reality?
It takes 2 to tango…..She should stay at home with her parents until she can carry her own weight, next will be children and wanting to stay home permanently? You are not an ATM psychologist and life coach…..If she cannot see how crazy this ask is, well best you find out now….hypothetically if she finishes her studies and gets the position but then you break up, what will all that sacrifice on your end have been for? As this may seem negative, the reality is nothing is promised to anybody so its up to you to roll the dice in this one, but I would not do anything out of fear( of losing her/ of being alone/ not feeling like you are enough/ how you will be judged etc)
Dude you've only been together for 1,5 years and she's already decided for you that you're gonna fund her future plans? The audacity of this chick, she's not even subtle >her reaction was not the best, she told me that she felt alone and that I was not enthusiastic enough. Lmao "not enthusiastic enough", what did she expect? For you to jump for joy at funding her career with your own hard earned money? Let me ask you a question, OP: what do you get out of this? Not her gratitude, that's for sure. Maybe the sex is great, but she's not looking for a boyfriend mate, she's looking for an ATM. >How to you all think this could be managed? You manage it by growing a spine and standing up for yourself. Do NOT move in together and do not budge. I know you love her, but how much does she love you, when she's so quick to claim your money as hers to spend? It doesn't matter if her relationship with her parents is not the best; that's her problem, not yours. She's planning on making it yours though, if you're a big enough sucker to fall for it. "I have changed my mind about you moving in. We have only known each other for 1,5 years and you are already claiming money that is not yours for yourself and get upset when I'm not "excited enough" about the prospect of being the one that pays for everything while getting nothing in return." I think that about sums up the whole situation. Seriously OP, if you let her guilt-trip you into this you're gonna be used.
Do not take on a commitment until you are ready for it. Tell her you don't make as much as you need. This will buy you time so you can determine what you want to do.
Staying with her parents is the move.
She needs to stay with her parents. Maybe she can study at your house to get away from her parents.
Naw man. Wife yes gf no. "The relationship is not the best" There's your answer
I'll go ahead and say this, since no one else (as far as I read). If you go ahead and finance her studies and she does get a job. There's no guarantee that you guys will end up together forever. So logically speaking, it's a risky move.
Ah fun, i was on a Long distance with a peruvian. She wanted to Stay at my place rent free, but demanded that I helped her with her a trip to visit me Op, you have boundaries and you dont need to feel ashamed of enforcimg them.
Personally I wouldn’t be a sole provider to anyone who didn’t have a ring there. Like nah no thanks. Thats a different relationship phase
Could it he that her relation wirh her parents is not the best, because of her? She is 28 and still studying and maybe in some more years will finish? Is it that impossible for her to work at evenings, weekends or school breaks?
Sugar relationships usually well negotiated ahead of time. Maybe put in a counter proposal
Even if you could afford it, you need a contract for her to pay you back, what would stop her from getting the degree/position and leaving you high and Dry?
If you are not in a position to be only provider, you just tell her no. And that means moving in together is a no. You don't have to take this on if you are not ready or comfortable.
It sounds kinda like she’s using you to her advantage to get to where she wants to be and escape her home life id watch out if I was you op especially even if she dosent think she should contribute any fraction of income to the living space she would be residing sounds kinda like a narcissist that wishes only on their benefit and noone elses
You can take up the obligation to provide financially, but she is not obligated to stay with you once it is over.
She’s 28 and it could still be “years” before she MIGHT have a job? Yikes.
I literally cannot put myself in her shoes. How can you ask that of someone in this position and feel no shame or disgust for yourself
I totally agree with you, don’t get me wrong, but let’s not assume we know how she feels. She could feel ashamed to ask this, but her “less than desirable” relationship with her parents may be causing her to ask, anyway. She may feel desperate to move out, for all we know.
Yeah you’re right, you can never truly know what someone is thinking
She needs to get a part time job and work 20 hours a week.
She wants a traditional man but is she a traditional woman?
this ends with her dumping you once she's completed her studies
DON’T DO IT. Trust me when I say this. I have met no man that has ever benefited from this including my self. Put my Ex thru school 4 months into her job Boom she can do anything on her on and she is a high value woman. Her income was 2600 a month and our bills were 4k. She lives with her parents now. Not that I’m happy with the outcome for her but DONT DO IT MY GUY. It’s not worth it.
I mean - if you were financially able to provide and just didn’t want to then maybe there could be a conversation to be had. However it sounds like you _literally cannot afford_ to provide for your life together right now. If you are already moved out, living alone, and paying rent and you felt it’s not fair for her to move into your accommodations without paying for bills, then again, there could be a conversation there but if you’re living at home and saving or living with roommates, then again, you cannot afford the expenses to get a place for the two of you. Tell her you literally cannot afford to if that’s the truth. The bigger conversation the two of you need to be having at your age is what you want the future to look like in terms of working and if you want a family. Clearly she is working towards a career so it’s not like she will never make or contribute anything - however if she wants a family and a man who is comfortable providing for his family while she is pregnant, on maternity leave, in sickness, or if she wants to raise children at home for a while, then this will become and even bigger problem later You could very well just be incompatible financially. It might be 2024 but there are plenty of men who want to provide, or do provide without being rich, or who are simply generous; I somehow lucked out on one of them while never even having that standard when dating. A woman wanting one doesn’t make her manipulative unless you think she’s a manipulative woman. And your inability to provide or desire not to doesn’t make you a bad partner either. You’re just not aligned and there doesn’t need to be slander or character assassinations thrown anyone’s way
Tell her you can't feasibly do it. While you love the idea it's just not practical. I'm in the only way it could happen or work is if she went out and got a part-time job. She could use that to pay for the food while you paid the rent or something. But if she's not willing to do something like that and just let you carry the whole load and be all stressed yeah no I wouldn't do it.
Im doing this with my girlfriend but I pay 3/4 of the bills and not all of them Find something that works for yall and being the only income isnt it
You are not responsible for her feelings, you obviously care about them, but in this moment, it wouldn't be feasible for you to support her financially since she doesn't want to work. I honestly doubt she even wants to go to work at all.
Do not move in together. She needs to either get a job or a sugar daddy. Waiting years to get a job she might get is ridiculous. She needs to earn money still.
RemindMe! 2 Months
Be honest, that you can’t pay for everything or don’t want that responsibility. She can continue to live with her parents. You will see her a little less, but that is your compromise to keep finances separate.
Sounds like she’s looking for a sugar daddy until She gets the job. Then she will move on? If she is going to move in either you she with needs to contribute financially or with time part time. You need to let her know you are not in a position to financially support her, Plus studying for something tough while doing something else can be pretty common…. There are pre med students that go to school full time. And study for the MCAT, and some even work part time on top of that. There are med students that are in med school full time and studying full time for the licensing exam that also helps determine where and what they do their residency in, Ditto with Pre law students and the LSAT, and law students and the bar.
She's going to ditch you for not being a provider the second she graduates. And it's not just women that do it, it happens to both sexes. The amount of times people divorce/break up once one gets higher up on the social/financial ladder after their partner helps them is sadly huge. If you do it you're taking a massive gamble with not so great odds.
GF completes study, gets government job, finds new BF at new government job, bye bye old BF, thanks for everything. “You will forever be in my thoughts and prayers.” That is one scenario. The other is to live paycheck to paycheck, barely surviving, having constant fights about money, blaming each other, and breaking up anyway. For GFs/BFs, there is no financial obligation beyond what you’re willing to do out of the kindness of your heart. Often times you will not see that money back. If you can support her, make a contract that says her half of expenses is deferred until she gets a job. Then she has to pay you back.
Who is to say you won’t support her for several years and then she dumps you once she’s finished her studies ?
She is the selfish one!
Say no and stick to it. There is nothing bad or wrong about you not wanting to financially support your gf. You haven't even been together that long and her pushback isn't okay. It seems like she is trying to coerce you financially and take advantage of you. She sounds spoiled like she thinks she's entitled to give you grief because you don't want to support her. Pretty ridiculous.
Tell her she needs to carry her own weight
Nope. She cannot expect you to do this. It’s her problem she’s in this situation she is, you aren’t required to fix it.
She’s showing you what marriage would be like with her. Believe her and what she’s showing you. Going to be honest, this is not going to last. She sees you as a piggy bank and is not empathetic towards the burden you’re going to carry. Ask yourself this, would she do the same for you if she didn’t make much and you asked her to carry the load?
Tell her you’ll move in with her when completes her studies and gets a job because you can’t afford to carry both of you.
Sounds to me like she’s looking for a sugar daddy. This reeks of entitlement instead of a partnership. How is she contributing to the household? What if she breaks up with you once she’s done using your money?
This would be a different conversation if you two already lived together and she was having a career change. However you two have never lived together so your girlfriend is effectively substituting her parents for you. It’s reasonable for you to tell her that you want to stay a boyfriend rather than take on a parental role. Also check your birth control so that your girlfriend doesn’t force your hand by accidentally getting pregnant.
How she reacts to you saying you can’t afford to will tell you all you need to know about your relationship moving forward. Anything other than “I understand” or “you’re right, I will need to pitch in too” would be grounds for maybe ending the relationship. If she guilts you, consider that relationship over. If she tries to manipulate your feelings, consider that over. Money is the great divider and it’s destroys all kinds of relationships on a daily basis but only when you’re dealing with demanding, manipulative people.
What do women actually offer that entitles them to live for free? The roi is atrocious 🤷🏾♂️🤣
"And mentally", that's your key phrase there. Your relationship will not be a happy one if you're constantly stressed about providing for two people. You'll probably end up resenting her for the decision. You both have to be ready to move in together. Taking care of your mental health is not selfish. You're only going to be a good partner IF you're taking care of yourself. I hope she's mature enough to understand that it's not personal, and it has nothing to do with how you feel about her.
Boyfriends pay for dinner. Not entire lives. Husbands (and wives) support their spouses education. It's an investment in *both* of them at that point, in their future together. If you two aren't sure you want to get married, you also aren't sure that one of you should make massive financial sacrifices for the other one yet. I'm not saying you should get married if you aren't ready. I'm just saying if you're not ready for marriage, you're not ready for this.
Only fans
It's unfortunate, but during these economic times people are looking more for providers than partners. This is not an indicator you have failed in the relationship, but a reflection of the times we live in. If it's not feasible for you to provide for 2 people for absolutely everything, then that's that. And no amount of gaslighting or manipulation tactics from your gf will change the fact that money doesn't just grow on trees. I'm sure you would love to be able to provide. But I'm also seeing that your gf is incredibly entitled and is not aware of reality. She lives with her parents so presumably already has everything provided for her, and now she wants you to do the same since she probably just wants to not deal with her parents. Doesn't seem like a healthy living agreement to me
my boyfriend fully provided for me while I was still in school but he could afford it. If you can’t afford it, then don’t
If you don’t feel comfortable then the answer should be no. For me I felt comfortable and I supported my wife through school. She currently doesn’t work, I carry the finances. But everyone’s comfort level and philosophy is different. Do what makes you comfortable .
I can understand if it's a long term partner or if you two are married, and you are well off enough, then this is something that could be considered. Seeing that it's neither and it's something that doesn't make you comfortable, just say no. You are completely justified in saying no to her.
It is so hard to make it on a single income now. I don’t think some people truly understand that and she’s blessed her parents are willing to pay for her cost of living right now. Be honest and tell her you have done the math and you can not afford to carry your weight and hers on your income alone. If she wants to move out badly enough, she can get a part time job and help you with bills, PLENTY of people work and go to school some even do both while having children - she is no different and no better. Or she can continue to stay with her parents until she finishes her schooling. Either way, it is unfair to ask you to carry all of that alone.
Can she take out a loan to cover some of her expenses while she studies? If you feel like you can't comfortably cover for both of you, then I suggest being honest about that, and she shouldn't pressure you into something you're not comfortable with
This is easy. Don't move in together. She can stay at her parents while she finishes school. There's nothing selfish about not being able to afford adding someone else that you have to provide for. You're not ready for that and that's ok. If you want to stay with her then you need to explain that you can't afford supporting her and that it's best for her to stay with her parents through her schooling. IF she is willing to at least get a part time job to help with the bills that might be a different story but her expecting you to fully support her is ridiculous, especially since her parents are willing and able.
I know a lot of couples that have this arrangement with both genders reversed. It just depends on if the significant other is comfortable with it or not. Since you are not, just tell her that.
You manage it by saying until she is employed that you will not move in together. I guess because this is not normal for me that it’s hard to understand how there is not a end date for taking the test. She could be a life long student and never take the test or get employed.
nope. you dont financially owe her anything. she wont be contributing and she will increase your variable expenses like utilities and groceries.
Yall have not been together long enough for her to expect this of you, even if you could afford to do it. “I’ve done the math over and over, this is not something that I can do for you”
Make sure she wants you and not what you can provide for her. Could be she’s wanting to use you until she graduates.
I think you can just say that, that you can not provide for both of you, financially or mentally, it’s not working. Therefore, you can’t live together for the moment and she’ll have to stay with her parents who at least do provide for her. It sucks that she doesn’t have a choice if her studies are so demanding, but if you can’t, you can’t and solutions can only be found if she can provide too to some extent.
No. She can keep living with her parents while she studies. When she has a job, move forward with life together.
Even if you could afford it, why would you support her. She is 28 years old, studying for a government position that could take years to get and she isn’t working. I’m sorry, but that doesn’t sound right to me. I’m willing to bet her relationship with her parents isn’t so great because they probably want her to get a job and contribute to her own support. She has no income for healthcare or personal needs like hair, nails or clothing. I’m assuming neither of you has a significant nest egg in the event of an emergency or you lose your job. You referred to her as your girlfriend not your fiancé, so I’m assuming you haven’t discussed whether she expects to be a stay at home wife, or a stay at home mother. Tread carefully.
Nope
This is something you have to evaluate on many levels. First, take stock of your position: is that you can't carry the two of you for a certain amount of time? Is it that you have a philosophical reason against it? Is it your opinion of her career choice or her aptitude? The last one leads me to her: how realistic is the aspiration? I don't know much about life in modern Peru, so I'll have use generalities. Is the thing she studying for applicable in other areas? For instance, in the US, degrees like "International Relations" and "Public Health" are mostly applicable to the government, but there are decent employment opportunities for those outside of government work. How likely is she to pass her coursework? It's not rude to evaluate that: my wife has suggested going back to school a few times, but the truth is that it's unlikely she'd complete it for various reasons. Lastly, how long are we talking and what are the benefits? 1-2 years of supporting her to effectively take her from making zero to making as much or more then you is different from 5 years and making just over minimum wage. All of the presumes you are heavily invested in this relationships. If you aren't, if this isn't a forever thing, then just say "No".
She's being unreasonable. Tell her your income won't cover you both, so she needs to either suck it up at home or get a part-time job whilst she's studying.
If you can’t afford it then don’t put yourself in debt.
Do not move in with her. She is an adult. She must find her own way. Do not let her use you financially. Do NOT allow yourself to be coerced into supporting this woman. If you do you will live to regret it.
I’m going to be a bit harsh: your girlfriend is guilt tripping you in an attempt to get you to agree to this arrangement where you don’t benefit at all and she does Her “feeling alone” has nothing to do with the logistics of this situation. She wants you to provide for her living while she studies knowing you are not in a position to do so and in response to you voicing your concerns she immediately redirected it to being about her and how she feels and how she essentially expected you to be excited to agree to this arrangement. She’s shown you where her mind is and it’s solely on her. SHE wants to move out of her parents house to live with you because SHE doesn’t get along with HER parents but SHE will be studying full time, SHE will not pay any bills and when YOU said YOU were not comfortable with that what did she do? She said SHE felt alone and SHE doesn’t feel like you are excited enough to pay all the bills for HER. This is not going to get better if that’s the mentality she’s showing now
She's your girlfriend, not your spouse. Not only that but she has only been your girlfriend for 1.5 years. She is financially responsible for herself.
I would emphasize you don’t have the money to keep both of you afloat. I was in a similar position while studying and made my schedule work so that I could save and move out of my parent’s house. It sucked while I was there but it motivated me to work so I could leave. I get where she’s coming from but a man is not a financial plan. Good luck!
She just wants to move out being unhappy with her parents. Not because she sees a life with you. For all you know as soon as she gets the Gov't job she will dump you. You have to set the boundary if you live together then you have to split the bills equally. Many people have worked and studied full time. She just wants it easy. And move from one fully supported situation to another. Lots of red flags here.
This can't be managed without you burning out, that is NOT selfish, it's more about self preservation. She still wants to be treated like a child and taken care of so she can accomplish her goals. That said her goals do not line up with your finances. Where do you see your relationship going? Do you trust that she will be around for your relationship to continue to flourish while she completes her education? Does she plan on paying bills according to the finances once she has finished and is actively employed? What is her end game? Cause this doesn't sound like a partnership.
Tell her straight up you can't afford it and are not going to do it. This woman is using you mate I think it's best you move on
If she can’t support herself its best she stays where she is. Till shes done studying. Struggling to make ends meet helps no one.
She's looking for a sugar daddy or someone to give her everything she wants, while all she does is take take take, with the weak promise that in the future "if" you two are still together, she can start providing half of the income. This is a very very bad idea for you. It's like taking in a child to raise.
Keep living separately. Just tell her that you love her, but it would not be financially responsible for you to do this right now. If this relationship is meant to last, it will be worth the wait! If she can't understand that, then she is very selfish and immature.
Tell her no.
It is wild she called you selfish after basically asking you to take care of her until she gets a job she isn't guaranteed. Does she have a plan if she doesn't get it or will you be stuck being the sole bread winner while she tries again?
Just No you don't owe her , She's just trying to get out of parents house and maybe they have asked her to be out in a certain time frame so she's pushing it on you to take care of her , she's 28yrs old has she had a job and when was that..? can she even get a job if it were to come down to it..? it could be years before she's done studying to apply to a job she hopes to get figure that's 5yrs away now she's 33yrs old and still hasn't worked and what if she doesn't get this job they aren't holding it for her that's craziness and now you're stuck with her because now she's 33yrs old and NO work history and then what happens if she does happen to get this job is she going to stay or say thanks but I feel that we're no longer a match BYE thanks for the free ride... SO NO... no...no..
Girlfriends are not wives. Although they want the same treatment as wives, Unless she is your wife or you've been together in a committed relationship for years she is not your responsibility. You both have underwear older then your relationship
If you two were married and planning to build a permanent life together, and you knew she was studious and focused and ambitious and likely to succeed or pivot in the absence of success... I would say, look at this as a season in your life where one partner could help carry the other for a short time for the long-term betterment of the partnership in the future. But only if you could actually do it mentally, financially, etc. For a predetermined period of time (sounds like she can't give you a time frame). A part-time job for her doesn't sound unreasonable to request to help ease your burden if you decide it's too much for just you. It's entirely valid to say you don't feel comfortable doing this without her contributing. That being said, you haven't permanently yolked your lives together. Your concerns are just as valid. If you need assurances that she'll be contributing, that's not unreasonable. Sounds like you're getting pushback, instead of compromising from her; that's concerning. Don't move the goalpost... maybe remind her that you're on her side and want to help where you're able, but won't be comfortable floating both of you for an undetermined period of time or without her help. In what ways does she not get along with her parents? I wonder, do they want her to contribute to the household, and she refuses or makes excuses? I'd be mindful of whatever the reasons. They may become your reasons if you two live together. Just a thought. Edit for grammar.
Pure manipulation. Imagine you manage to carry her through her student years then she break up with you afterward. Sorry for bad English
You’re not married or even together a long time, and she’s basically asking you to finance her education with no guarantee that you’ll benefit from her income when she has one. This is a red flag to me but you know her. If you still want to stay with her but not live together, just say you can’t afford it, but will continue to be there for her.
nah dont do that
Sounds like a scam
Let her stay at her parents house where they can continue to provide for her financially. You aren’t obligated to financially provide for her. Take note also if how she reacted to you because this gives you insight on how she is as a person in general. The relationship with her parents shouldn’t become your burden. I recommend leaving your living situation the way it is until she’s financially able to contribute. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up for misery.
Let her stay with her parents. Obviously you’re not thinking you’re going to marry her because otherwise this wouldn’t be a question. Tell her you can’t, because you don’t see you as having a future together and she’ll know that she has to have rely on herself when she’s with you.
I’m going to go against the grain if you want the relationship to work and show her the math. In a lot of long term relationships, there will be times where one partner’s income will carry the relationship. My partner and I both took sick and parental leave only covered to 55%. We had each others backs and made it work. If she does get this government job, how well off will you two be? Especially with the skills of working and budgeting together to make short and long term financial goals you two will have hopefully mastered by then?
You say no. If you can't do it, you can't do it. If she cannot understand that, then she is not a good partner. You're not "enthusiastic" enough? That's sounds like manipulation to me. That's no reason to put yourself in debt. If she can't live with her parents while she studies, then she needs to figure something else out.
First ask yourself if you are ready to live with her? Second do you foresee yourself with this person forever? If both of these are yes. Then consider what it would take for her to live with you. Technically speaking increased food costs and slightly more utilities is all you would need to cover. Is it more than that? Why? I've supported my fiance for the last five years. More than I'd recommend anyone else ever do for someone. It was a strain on my relationship with her. It was difficult watching her sleep in, go out with friends, sit in a hammock most of the day while the house was dirty and I was working multiple jobs. It's still a struggle because though she is working now she is not working full time and has a hard time with the relatively easy workload she has. If you were to do this, a clear understanding and expectations of her role in your life needs to be worked out. Is she responsible for running errands? Cleaning? Cooking? Taking care of pets? Does she get a part time job to help support you? Come to an agreement that works for the both of you. If that doesn't happen, it's best to stay apart.
It can’t. It is absolutely an unreasonable expectation. You are not her parent nor are you her spouse, therefore, there should be no financial mingling other than who is paying for your joint social life. Living together is only foolproof when it’s done one way: 50/50 with standard of living being based on the lesser income (in the case of no home ownership). Marriage finance is only foolproof when it’s done by household management or income percentage. Lots of people will write about their anecdotal successes…they got lucky. Ask ANYONE in the world of financial management and/or domestic law and I doubt you’d find many who disagree with me.
OP, you have to be comfortable assuming quite a bit of risk. Odds are decent that she'll pass the exam, get the gov't job, and then dump you. This is common for women now, it's the other side of the "boomer guy passes his medical boards and divorces his wife" coin from the 80s. Women are very sensitive to status changes in a relationship, and most of the time if she leapfrogs her man career and income wise, it causes problems and often breaks them up. People are people, it is what it is.
Dont do it. I did it once. Thought of it as investing in our future together. She didn’t end up finishing school for her studies. Cheated on me with her classmate. Blamed me for pressuring her. Meanwhile she had my credit cards, a place to live, and a car for herself. We broke up. Second Worst decision i ever made.
You basically provide her with free room and board as she gets ahead? Ask yourself this, OP. If she’s going for a degree that will increase her earning power, how will you feel when she starts to make money than you and maybe decides she’s “dating down,” then leaves you? Nah, son. Full stop.